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sakurayumekun · 10 days

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PRO-ANA GUIDE HANDBOOK

An anorexic mind

First of all, let's work on the psychology first. Be sure to fuck up your relationship with food from the start. You want to make yourself as neurotic as possible about food, eating, kitchens, cutlery, refrigerators, restaurants, and hey, why not stretch this out even further and start hating the actual source of foods, in other words the actual animals and plants. I myself am utterly opposed to factories. Any kind of factory. Even pillow factories, hell they're all the same. But you! Spread those bad thoughts! Hate that chicken!!! Unless of course, you're going for the sympathetic, oh the poor animals, vegan slant. That's a good one too. Firstly, reaffirm your mission. Immortalise it. Buy a fat, blank notebook, this will become your own personal anorexic sanctuary of sorts. Write down WHY you want to lose weight. Be sure to include things like how you will feel when you're 10lbs lighter, the glorious clothes you will fit into, an occasion that you would like to be thinner for like your sixteenth birthday, etc. Give yourself a final goal, and break it up into several, smaller, goalpoints. For example, if you weigh 140lbs and would like to eventually be 90lbs, list points along the way which signify a victory for you. For example, 130lbs, and then 115lbs, then 110lbs, then 100lbs, and so on. Re-read this again and again for inspiration. You will be using this notebook later to create tackytown anorexia-inspired collages and other paraphernalia.

Visualisation. Following the same strain as NLP, or Neuro Linguistic Programming, we must use the principles of association to retrain your consciousness, and sub-consciousness, to turn food into one of the greater evils of the world. (Read: the greatest evil!!) Start by associating food with disgusting things. For your first ever fast, it may be helpful to draw pictures of juicy red apples, somehow morphing into giant dead rotting pigs. Plaster these all around your house, preferably on the food itself. Never underestimate the power of images. Put pictures of fat girls on your fridge, or better yet, pictures of yourself; you're pretty fat. Conversely, stick pictures of rakish models everywhere you can see them, for inspiration, and a bit of productive self-loathing. Also, practise writing things like "I'm fat" over and over. You want to drill this into your brain. "I will be thin" is a good one, as well as other "I will" affirmations. These are positive statements and very conducive to big time weight loss. Now create a list of suitable punishments either for thinking of food, or for caving in and eating food itself. A good one to try is to keep a rubber band on your hand and flick your skin whenever you think of eating. Eventually you will have a swollen hand, and a shrunken body; you will have ceased thinking of food so much. Other punishments include ridiculous amounts of exercise, purging, self-mutilation, isolation, basic denial of necessary comforts such as blankets on a cold night, or shelter when it is raining... Or simply menial, disgusting tasks such as cleaning the bathroom. Remember, you need discipline. Invent pain and hassles for yourself. Trick yourself into believing your life sucks. Be mean to people so that they instigate fights, just to make you constantly on edge, or nervous, so you cant eat. After all, you'll be light-headed and dizzy, and irritable from not eating, so you have an excuse. I used to love when dad got mad at me because it meant I was so upset I could not eat. Become an angst ridden teenager. You'll be making yourself nauseous from worry and self hatred in no time. Find another anorexic to consort with. Whether this be in real life, or on the internet. You can swap tips and indulge in your little sordid anorexia world together, force each other to exercise, pat each other on the back when you reach goals, etc. You want to completely surround yourself with all thoughts of anorexia. Find pro-anorexia websites, or create your own. Sign up for one of the dozens of pro-anorexic mailing lists at Yahoo! and you'll be bombarded daily with like minded individuals. Now, immerse yourself further in anorexia propaganda, read anorexia or otherwise 'thin' inspired literature, listen to anorexic music, watch as many triggering films as you can get your delicate little mitts on, look up to very thin hollywood stars and supermodels. Also, visit as many of the aforementioned pro-anorexia sites as you can to get a bunch of quotes and mantras to write in your anorexia notebook, and repeat inside your head daily. I have compiled a list of such sources of thinspiration.

Thinspiration

Triggering music

This is essential. You must familiarise yourself with the very teenage and angstyartists and be sure to play the music over and over to thoroughly depress yourself. Ones to keep in mind are:

Fiona Apple - "Paper Bag" ... Hunger hurts but starving works...

Silverchair - "Ana's Song (Open Fire)" ... And I need you now somehow, and I need you now somehow ... On my knees for you... In my head the flesh seems thicker...

Juliana Hatfield - "Feed Me"... Oh baby if only you knew, I'm down to 102...

Tori Amos - "Jackie's Strength" ... You're only popular with anorexia, so I turn myself inside out, in hopes someone will see...

Anorexic mantras

You must collect as many of these as possible. Write them in your anorexia notebook, memorise them, let them comfort you. Some examples are:

"An imperfect body reflects an imperfect person."

"You will be tempted quite frequently, and you will have to choose whether you will enjoy yourself hugely in the 20 minutes or so that you will be consuming the excess calories, or whether you will dislike youself cordially for 2 or 3 days for your lack of willpower."

"I'm not starving myself...I'm perfecting my emptiness."

"I can get thinner. I can cut it all off. I can wear low slung Levi's and crop tops and long straight dresses like willowy models, and I gasp with the breathlessness of being airborne. I can fly and be free. Jesus! I never realised how easy it was!"

"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."

"The greasy fry, it cannot lie, its truth is written on your thigh,"

Devour literature, not food

Words and text are very very triggering when it comes to not eating. For one thing, it gives you a world to inhabit, your very own private, magnificent anorexia world which nobody else around you can touch, and you shall have characters to understand you. You will be so riveted that you will not need to eat. Books to check out include:

The best little girl in the world by Steven Levenkron

Wasted by Marya Hornbacher

The fountainhead by Ayn Rand - not about anorexia per se, but Dominique

Francon is the fucking epitome of ethereal, insubstantial, bony grace.

I am an artichoke by Lucy Frank

Starving for attention by Cherry Boone O'Neill

Hunger scream by Ivy Ruckman

Diary of an eating disorder by Chelsea Smith and Beverly Runyon

My sister's Bones by Cathi Hanauer

Stick figure by Lori Gottlieb

Eve's apple by Jonathan Rosen

Thinspiring films and TV shows

These might be about anorexia itself, or it might simply be glamorous and include very thin beautiful people. Movies and television programmes I know others find thinspiring are:

Girl, Interrupted

For The Love Of Nancy

Ally McBeal

Role models

You need somebody to idolise. You must research him or her to the bones and become as close to her as possible. Become obsessed. Some suitable examples include those in the following list, who are either very skinny, or have, or have had anorexia:

Kate Moss - 90's waif

Angelina Jolie - skinny sexy actress, e.g. Girl, Interrupted and Gia

Christina Ricci - actress, had anorexia

Calista Flockhart - Ally McBeal

Lara Flynn Boyle - glamorous and snobby, never eats

Tracey Gold - actress who suffered from anorexia

Karen Carpenter - musician and classic anorexic

Portia de Rossi - actress on Ally McBeal who went through a stage of dangerous dieting

Geri Halliwell - formerly Ginger Spice, engaged in a 'thin war' with:

Victoria Beckham - formerly Posh Spice

Courtney Cox - actress on Friends, bony and gaunt

Twiggy - iconoclastic model

Mary Kate - had anorexia... perfection

Jodie Kidd - impossibly thin model

Nicole Richie - Thin thin thin

Audrey Hepburn - quintessential class, very petite

This should be enough to sufficiently fuck up and cloud your perceptions. Above all, convince yourself you are above others, a hero, owing to your spectacular powers of restraint. Feel elitist. Feel as though you are somehow super-human for resisting the urge to eat. Feel better than the other mere mortals who dig in to their cereal and their donuts. Believe in the power of starving as though it were a religion.

Extreme dieting

Now we can move on to the actual act of excessive dieting itself. First off we should establish clear limits. Make up rules you cannot deviate from. Only eat yellow foods on Monday, and brown foods on Tuesday. Or only eat every other day. Or only eat at night. Or only eat on days with the letter "u" in them. Or become a vegan. Or a fruitarian. Or follow your own version of a well known diet, such as the ever popular low carb diets, e.g., the Zone Diet, Atkin's Diet. Use your imagination. I knew a model who swore her secret was living on sushi, candy, oranges, cigarettes, and water. Another tip to try is to only allow yourself one food a day. You will get sick of the taste and therefore eat less due to boredom.

Now, compile a list of safe foods. Here is a fairly comprehensive list:

Low Cal Jelly (or Jello, for you Americans)

Celery - it is composed highly of water, it is crunchy, which is said to cause you to eat less, owing to the amount you have to chew it, it is considered acatabolic food

Carrots are also another safe vegetable (although most vegetables can be on your safe list, these are merely the safest of the safe)

Salsa and mustard - dieting staples. You can dip vegetables in them, they are fat free and low cal, and salsa brings cravings to an abrupt halt.

Spicy foodsare also thought to fire up your metabolism

Vinegar - thought to thoroughly reduce your appetite. It is suggested you drink a tablespoon or two before each meal.

Lemons dipped in a sugar substitute such as Splenda or Nutrasweet. (note: In some anorexia circles, even fruit is no good, besides oranges, which are a 50cal food)

Broth (only 5 calories per cube!!)

Egg white - much needed protein

Pickles

Lettuce - an absolute 'nothing' food

Cucumbers - very very low cal

Soup

Safe foods are merely foods that are safe to eat if you are craving foods outside your set meals. They are extremely low cal, or no cal. As for your actual daily intake of food, most wannabe anorexics tend to stick within the 500 - 1000 calorie range depending on how much exercise they do. Never be shy when it comes to considering taking certain drugs to reduce or diminish appetite. Some antidepressant medication such as Wellbutrin have this effect, as well as Topamax, which is originally an anti-convulsive but has been and can be prescribed for things such as ADD and bipolar disorder. Steal your little brother's ADD medication. Dexedrine is gold when it comes to killing appetite. Just ignore the paranoia and nervousness that comes with it. Think about diet pills and supplements such as Metabolife and Ephedra.

Day to day

Now we move on to the ever important area of ritual and habits, tips & tricks, to get down to a science.

Graze constantly throughout the day so that your metabolism never gets the chance to rest and become sluggish. Eating 100 calories five times a day is better than eating one meal consisting of 500 calories.

Fool your metabolism by constantly changing the number of calories you consume daily. This will prevent your body going into starvation mode, meaning that lesser amounts of calories will make you gain weight. For instance, eat 500 calories on Monday, 100 on Tuesday, 800 on Wednesday, no calories on Thursday, and 400 calories on Friday.

Get a full night's sleep, at least eight hours. Although staying up late does make you burn more calories, don't become sleep-deprived or your metabolism will become sleepy. Your appetite will even increase by 15%.

Record everything you eat in your anorexia notebook. This serves to motivate you, as well as to be aware of all the extra calories you may not be aware you are consuming. It may also let you identify emotional or environmental triggers, such as boredom or sadness.

Take vitamin pills frequently so your body doesn't crave nutrients, causing binges.

Diet coke and other diet sodas cause that bubbly, full feeling in your stomach, for about 1 calorie per glass.

Brush your teeth and tongue all the time. The feeling in your mouth will ease cravings and additionally, food will taste yukky with toothpaste, so whats the point of eating it?

Drink water like a fish. Drink a glass of water, or a diet soda, every hour on the hour. Drink water every time you have the urge to snack. Ice water is better because your body will burn more calories to heat it up. Drink water with meals to prevent overeating. Bear in mind that often we mistake thirst for hunger.

Caffeine will speed up your metabolism. Have two or three servings a day, in the form of black sugarless coffee, or caffeine pills, or guarana. If stacked with ephedra and aspirin, a synergistic effect will occur that imitates the effects of speed or other amphetamines. Do be aware that this practice can be rather dangerous.

Exercise. Not only will you burn off the calories you consume when you do eat, but it will increase your metabolism for some time afterwards. As well, the consequential muscle mass will increase the calories you burn at rest. It also suppresses appetite. Try running, or buy yourself a skipping rope.

Stand up and move about constantly. Compulsively fidget. It does add up to an estimated extra 500 calories burned a day. Twitch your leg while studying, for example. Also, sit up straight - you'll burn more calories.

Have a very busy and active schedule. It will burn more calories than sitting in your room thinking about not eating, and make sure you don't have enough time to binge.

Find a something other than food to satisfy your oral fixation. Choices include things like smoking, chewing gum, water, iced tea, sugarless mints, and diet coke.

Put a small coin in a jar every time you resist a craving, or exercise when majorly exhausted, etc. This will motivate you, build up confidence in your starving abilities, and keep track of your successes. As well as give you extra cash to splurge on some fantastical treat when you reach your first major weight loss goal.

The type of music you listen to while you eat affects how much and how quickly you consume. The faster the music, the more you eat. Try to listen to nice slow music when you eat.

Eat sweets and the foods you crave early on in the day. This will give you more time to burn them off and it will eliminate cravings later.

Eat while in the front of the mirror naked. You will be completely repulsed, and repelled from the food. This is a good thing.

Feel your hunger..don't try to suppress it. If you're hungry that means you're losing weight; you WANT to be hungry. If you're not then you're not doing it right. In time you will get a wonderful high off of being hungry and thoroughly enjoy the sensation. Hunger is not your enemy! The sooner this is understood, the sooner you will reach your goals.

Did you know that there are 2 pounds of dead skin on you right now!!?! Thats right! 2 POUNDS! ...if you're underweight or in starvation mode your body does not "shed" its skin the way it should. It holds on to it. Use an exfoliator for your face, and a loofah brush or scrub for your body. Make a stack of magazines that weighs the amount you want to lose. As you lose, take off the appropriate amount of magazines. Seeing the weight like that may help you realise what a difference it will make when it is all off. When you're feeling weak Here are some things which will help when your willpower is very feeble, to ward off the urge to eat, or worse, binge!

Pinch your thigh and see how you don't need food, because you should be eating your own flesh all away from the inside first, before you are deserving of actual legitimate sustenance.

Go to the library. You can research dieting or whatever, or you can read the classics, or some of the aforementioned listerature. Or you can do homework, or write letters, but the beauty of it is, since no food or drink is allowed, you'll have no choice but to abstain from a meal.

Buy some baby teething gel and rub it on your tongue, to numb your tastebuds.

If you're even considering eating, just hold your breath and count to 100. Chances are that you'll convince youself not to eat whatever it is you're craving in that time.

The scent of coffee has been proven to lessen ones appetite.

Chew the food but don't swallow it. Spit it in the bin.

If you're feeling dangerous, plan out the next few hours so that you're occupied for every single minute. Write a list of things to do for every 15 minutes. eg. exercise, surf the internet, email your friends, clean a room, read a book.

If you're feeling brave enough to face the kitchen, go there and throw out any potential binge foods. If you must, pour bleach/disinfectant/dishwashing detergent on the food, and then throw it away! (Anorexics are known for retrieving food from bins, or stealing food from strange places).

Pinch your ear! Apply pressure to the front of the ear, one at a time. The front of the ear is apparently a pressure point, in the area that controls hunger.

Let perfume replace chocolate. Every time you have a craving, or pass a bakery, sniff some Chanel no. 5. Apply it to a tissue and carry it with you.

Smell has a powerful effect on appetite.

Clean something. Cleaning something dirty can make you lose your appetite. The toilet, the litter box, under the kitchen sink, scrubbing out the garbage bin, anything grimy or smelly. The mess, along with the smell of the cleaner, can put you off food for a while.

Become a teenage artist. Write anorexic poetry, tragic little verses about bones and stomachs and evil evil capsicums. Anorexics are ever so creative.

Collect pictures of skinny girls. Stick them all in your notebook. Draw pictures of painful bony girls with tear stained faces and their head in their hands (their spines sticking out). This will take up most of your time.

Hiding it

Anorexia is supposed to be a private and tortured place, dontcha know. Deny it at all costs. Pretend you have not noticed the pounds dropping off you. Don't be suspicious. Here are some relevant tips:

Spend time making yourself look healthy.

Drink lots of water and apply a fake tan.

Wear makeup so that you have some colour, and keep your hair looking nice and shiny, take vitamins.

Smile.

Whenever you do decide to eat, do it in the company of others.

That way they can't say they never see you touch food.

On your way out, heat up a slice of pizza or prepare a snack to 'eat on the run'.

Of course, you will dispose of the food at your first convenience.

Leave a dirty plate lying around every so often for your parents to yell at you about.

Drink out of opaque cups, and spit your food into it whilst preteding to drink. They'll never know.

Eat really slowly because if everybody else is on their third slice of pizza, they'll assume you are too, even if you're still finishing your first.

Sign out of Hotmail and clear the history before you get off of the Internet. This will eliminate autofill being ever so helpful while your mum is researching aardvarks, and coming up with www.anorexicsanonymous.com for her. In short, don't leave traces lying around for others to find.

I trust that this guide to becoming a better anorexic will serve you well on your quest to being emaciated and ahem, gorgeous.

Remember, think thin, and try not to faint too often or die.

#an@rexi@

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fuck-your-proana-blog · 5 months

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I'm so sick of pro anas glorifying anorexia by saying how "wonderful" and "lovely" it is to feel empty. This feeling does not last.. there might be a very short "honeymoon phase" with your restrictive ED where you think you're being "strong" and "pure" by starving when you first start losing weight, but it ends.. QUICK. I spent 13 years feeling what they described should make me feel "pure" and "lovely" and I HATED EVERY MOMENT. I was miserable, I developed organ damage, osteopenia, lost a good portion of my hair, my joints and ligaments are destroyed, my face was covered in lanugo, my gums recessed so bad my skull was exposed- clearly that would be painful, and it was- it got so bad I needed expensive, not covered by insurance surgery, which was the beginning of my recovery. Starving is never worth it. Now that I'm in recovery sure I gained weight, but I also gained satiety from food every day multiple times a day (which I can confirm feels better than starving), holidays don't scare me so much anymore, I eat more and exercise less than I have in 13 years and life is so much better. Weight is the least of what I've gained in recovery- I've gained the ability to eat at restaurants, not always know the calories of what I'm eating, a sense of humor (now that I'm not constantly angry/irritable that I feel like shit 24/7), a better relationship with my husband, and all the little joys that food, especially holidays surrounding food, can bring to our lives. If you reach your "ugw" and get diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, it is not an accomplishment. It is a sickness that will destroy your family, other relationships, body, and mind. Recovery or death are the only ways out of anorexia, and as I've recently learned through trial and error, I do not, in fact, want to die. I want to live- to wake up next to the love of my life and my cats, to have at least 3 meals a day so I'm never running on empty; it's amazing. Recovery is worth it, always- anorexia never is. So stop promoting it as some sort of badge of honor; it's not. Recover while you can, because 1/5 of anorexics die- either by starvation or suicide. I've been closer than anyone ever should be to dying of both. Being thin is not the most important thing in life, it really doesn't matter as much as the sickness in your mind convinces you it does. So get better, before your body and mind are so ravaged by your ED that there's no way out anymore.

#anti pro ana #pro ana #pro ed #anorexia #anorexia nervosa #Recovery #pro recovery #anorexia recovery

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olderthannetfic · 5 months

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I do think the disclaimers from authors about NOT ENDORSING!!!! certain behaviors in fics is pretty funny, but I’ll admit I do it too. Oddly I only put warnings for abuse of the self, not the abuse of others. I write a fair bit of fic that “romanticizes” (or seems like it does) suicide/self harm/eating disorders to the point where it can almost be a tutorial of how to do it if I’m graphic enough. So in those I normally just add dead dove tags and put a disclaimer about how the trigger warning is no joke and you shouldn’t do the things that the characters do in the fic. It’s not like a Lifetime Movie end credits where the authors note is filled with hotlines and stuff, just a quick little note that, hey, yeah, if you’re considering this, don’t do it.

Oddly, I don’t think that behavior comes from fandom itself but rather from a completely different corner of the internet — when I struggled with the same stuff that I write about, it was pretty common for everyone’s bio to say that they “don’t promote” or they’re “not pro” and I guess old habits die hard. (Whether or not certain types of depression/SH/ana blogs etc really DONT promote or those words are just a please-don’t-ban-me card is a completely different discussion.)

It’s pretty ironic actually because when I’m on the other side of things (as the reader), reading about it is really cathartic in fic, but triggering (not in a fun way) in “real” books. Like there’s several books I had to DNF or shelf because it got to be too much, but oddly enough fic actually helps me a lot.

WOW that was all way heavier than I intended to get when I first started typing this ask! But yeah, that’s my own personal relationship to “I do not endorse” and I didn’t realize how odd it actually is until I started reading some of these other asks! I don’t think any type of “this is bad, actually” authors note is ever necessary honestly, but I also don’t think they’re that big of a deal — if a note from the writer about how they’re ~totally against the “bad” thing they’re writing about~ really takes you out of the fic that much, I don’t understand that either…it’d be one thing if they rambled on and on but even then I don’t think it’s that big of a deal 🤣 Annoying maybe but no one is required to read the AN.

My general threshold is “would a movie/podcast/real™️ book have a similar Viewer Discretion Adviced notice? If so, your A/N is likely fine and not virtual signal-ly or OTT at all.”

Heh. I think you're assuming a very different type of PSA from what other people are.

From what I've read, self-harm, suicide, and disordered eating are some of the topics that are a bit Monkey See, Monkey Do. Even support group discussions may increase the desire to cut, for example. It's still not 1:1, and we should be able to make art about serious topics, but a PSA doesn't feel totally absurd here. There are plenty of scientific studies showing measurable increases in people hurting themselves IRL after consuming certain material. Even if you did include a hotline, most people's objection is like "That number isn't valid for where I live", not "No one should ever do this".

I think if you polled people, you'd find that many of the PSA-haters are actually totally fine with "Hey, this fic contains serious depictions of mental illness. Make sure you're up for that today." and similar warnings.

But what people are actually talking about in 99% of "PSAs suck" discussions is rape fantasies.

Some clown writes a fic that is blatant fap material for people who like bodice ripper ravishment, and then they plaster it with "Rape Fantasies Bad" commentary that shows that they're judging themselves and their readers in a puritanical way that's a mega-buzzkill, completely out of keeping with the tone of the fic, and completely out of keeping with the actual scientific evidence.

Rape fantasies are commonplace and not a big deal, and to the extent that any depictions are demonstrably harmful, it's things like mainstream Hollywood movies reinforcing very standard cultural narratives, not somebody's sex pollen fic that's probably full of "It's so wrong, so why is it so hot???" anyway.

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thelaundrybitch · 1 year

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Shattered Dreams

TURTLE DOVES!!!

Y'all getting a special treat tonight.

@sharpwindow and I decided to do a writing exercise, and we wrote something together.

We're bringing you some BLURPLE 💙💜

AND if you aren't already following them, you are absolutely missing out. They're a brilliant writer 🙌

PART 2 HERE!!!

18+ content - for mature audiences only!

Reblogs only, please!

Shattered Dreams

"You know, you can come visit whenever you want, right?" The blue bara whispered gently, dropping you off at your bedroom window. You could have managed the climb up the fire escape, he didn’t have to drop you off, but he always did.

"Thanks, Leo," you said with half of a sad smile, trying to be polite while keeping your face turned away from him. You were never a fan of crying in front of others, and it was taking everything you had not to dissolve into tears.

"Everything will turn out alright," he comforted you, giving you half of a side hug before helping you into your room.

Always a gentleman.

Despite your tears, you were grateful for the hug. You felt a stab of guilt that he was being so kind while you were just longing for some time alone.

"Thanks," you said quietly, "see you around, Leo."

"Sooner than later, I hope," he commented with a look of concern that you missed, face still turned away.

"Bye, Leo," you repeated, hinting a little more strongly for him to go.

"See ya," he said sadly, a bittersweet smile on his face as he left.

You sat down on your bed and covered your face as tears streamed down your cheeks like rain on a window during a hurricane. Your mind was full of what happened earlier in the lair, and the pain washed over you anew.

🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

You had been at the lair with the guys for movie night like you always were when Don came in with a girl.

You didn’t miss it as Leo and Mike shared a look as they glanced across the room at one another, then looked back at Raph in case he seemed to have any ideas. All while taking note that all three were looking confused and worried, it didn’t escape your notice that no one seemed to be looking at you either.

"Hey, I want you guys to meet Ana Leigh," said Donnie warmly, smiling shyly as he introduced the woman behind him. "She's the one I've been talking about. We met online through that forum for WoW."

Your stomach dropped as you saw the blue-eyed beauty walk into the room from behind Don. She was gorgeous, and there was no way you could lie to yourself about it. Tall and toned, with naturally banana-curled blonde hair that fell a little below her shoulders. You could practically hear Mikey’s heart rate speed up despite the fact that you were sitting on the smaller sofa next to Leo.

She was wearing a cute, figure-hugging little green sundress with yellow sunflowers all over it, that matched her blonde hair and complimented her eyes. The fact she was wearing open-laced combat boots and a small backpack, did little to detract from the image of a walking goddess, smiling at all of you.

"Hi, everyone! It's really nice to meet you all, finally!" She practically sang. Her voice sounded like it belonged to an angel. “Donnie has told me so much about you, I feel like I know you all already.”

You had no idea Don was even talking to someone, and inside, you felt your heart starting to shatter into a million sharp pieces. It’s all you could do to stay on the sofa beside Leo, legs covered by the throw from the back of the sofa, having tucked yourself against him while you waited for Donnie to join them all.

“Are you gonna be joining us for movie night?” Mikey asked excitedly, grinning widely and causing Raph to scowl at him.

“She’s probably here to see Donnie, bro. Don’t go making it weird by asking her to hang out with us,” scolded the red-clad turtle, cuffing Mikey on the back of the head. Turning his attention to Donnie and Ana Leigh, he flipped a hand dismissively, “go do whatever ya doing, bro. We’re gonna carry on an’ start the movie.”

Donnie had smiled warmly at the room as a whole and proceeded to lead the new guest towards his lab, already talking expansively about his computer rig. What made bile really stir in your stomach was that she was nodding along, asking questions about processor power and graphics cards.

Leo, with an arm already curled around you, gave you a small shake, “you okay there?”

Looking around aimlessly, you felt like your mind was full of static, and everything sounded like it was far away. You nodded wordlessly, and Mikey started the movie, shimmying back into his seat next to Raph and propping his feet up on the coffee table.

You may as well not be there.

Your mind had already checked out, going through your regrets and worries. The old “Shudda-wudda-cudda” routine that always filled your mind when you realized you had made a mistake. Should I have? Could I have? Would I have?

It was useless, and when Mikey called a bathroom break after only forty minutes - with much complaining from his brothers - you called it too.

“Look, I’m not in the right mind for this,” you admitted as you pushed the blanket off of your legs and climbed off of the sofa.

You were so focused on putting your shoes back on that you missed the flash of pain in watching blue eyes. Leo had hoped that you might have been cuddled up to him for a reason, but it seems it had just been for warmth, little else. You’d not said anything when he’d curled his arm around you from the back of the sofa, nor when he’d started casually stroking your arm.

But, it wasn’t like there wouldn’t be other chances to get you to notice him.

“Do you want me to take you home?” He asked hopefully, smiling kindly at you as you stood up.

“Yes, please,” you agreed with a tired smile. “I think I might just be coming down with something. I’ve been feeling a bit rough all day.”

Even a coffee-deprived Donnie would have been able to see through that lie, but he didn’t call you out. Raph just watched wordlessly from his seat on the sofa, looking at something on his phone while Mikey shouted from the kitchen about bringing in more snacks. He spoke up before you went, wishing you a quick journey home and that he hoped you would feel better soon.

Leo, ever the perfect gentleman, walked beside you through the tunnels, and then once you were on the surface, he offered to carry you the few streets to your apartment block. You had agreed because by then, you really were starting to feel rough, heartbroken, and mind blank.

Now, as you sat on your bed in the dark and cried your heart out, you had forgotten to close your curtains and didn’t realize you were being watched. Leo hadn’t left; he’d merely gone to the opposite rooftop to make sure you got to your bed okay.

He’d not expected the tears.

His chest tightened in sympathy, and he wanted nothing more than to go back to you, to wrap you in his arms and dry your eyes. Comfort you and tell you that it would get better, that he loved you and his brother was a blind jerk.

But he wouldn’t.

He couldn’t.

Maybe one day soon, he could, but not yet.

🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

It was your turn to have the brothers over at your apartment for movie night. It was probably pure luck that you’d inherited the place and weren’t renting it -there was no way you’d be able to rent a two-bed place for the prices they asked for in your block.

There was still an hour until the official ‘movie start time,’ and despite the guys arriving early, you’d slipped off for a quick shower. You’d gotten back from work to find your apartment infested with turtles, but you’d smiled warmly at the welcomed company.

Now, stepping out of the bathroom, dressed in your pajamas and towel-drying your hair, you nearly jumped out of your skin to see Donnie standing there.

"Hey," he said quietly to you as you looked at him in mute shock.

"Hey," you echoed, tone uncertain as you furrow your brow in confusion, "I thought you were watching another movie with everyone? Do you need to go?"

He swallowed and looked down at his hands, almost as if he were nervous, while his fingers moved around each other.

"I was. Am. But I was getting cold with the seat next to me being empty," he replied, sheepishly.

You furrowed your brow even further, trying to understand the nonsense he was talking about. He’d not come to the movie night alone, but then neither had Raph. Donnie had brought Ana Leigh, and Raph had invited Casey. Mikey had tried to invite April, but she’d been called out for something last minute to do with work.

"Did Ana Leigh go home?"

It's Donnie's turn for a furrowed brow ridge, "no?"

"Did she move seats?"

"No?" He responded, still seeming confused.

"Then, shouldn't you still be warm if she's still there?" You replied tartly, moving past him to your vanity table and picking up your hairbrush.

You don’t want him to see your annoyed expression, since it wasn’t Ana Leigh’s fault that she was amazing and a perfect match for the man you loved.

Donnie stood there for several long moments as if he wasn’t a certified genius, letting you turn around and look at him as you damp brushed your hair out. Finally, he appeared to realize something, and he walked up to you. Seeming to understand the confusion, he moved a strand of your hair behind your ear before his hand cupped your face in his one strong hand.

You froze up, feeling his thumb brushing over your cheek for a moment. Your heart was pounding in your chest as he leaned down, and you couldn't breathe… As he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, hazel eyes looking into yours, over his glasses. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner. I must have hurt you with my ignorance.”

Your heart broke.

It shattered, and each piece seemed to dig into you, making you bleed.

Pulling in a shaky breath, you stepped away from him, shaking your head while fighting back the tears.

“Get out.” You whispered, knowing you were being irrational, but you couldn’t help yourself.

Anger and pain and heartbreak and sorrow and humiliation and… and you couldn’t take any more.

“Please, I-”

Donnie tried, but your hands were balled into fists at your sides, and you didn’t want to cause a scene. You just want him to go!

“Stop!” You hissed, interrupting him as you glared. “Get out. Of my. Room!”

Licking his lips nervously, Donnie opened his mouth to say something but seemed to think better of it. Closing his mouth, he nodded to himself and turned to leave, moving as silently as a true ninja.

Feeling yourself breathing hard, you didn’t want to stay there a moment longer. Thankfully your boots were still in your room, and you grabbed a thick jumper from your wardrobe, as you jumped onto the fire escape and scurried up to the roof, pausing only long enough to pull on your boots as you climbed.

You hadn’t grabbed your phone, you’d just run.

You weren’t foolish enough to run any further than the roof, despite the temptation to slip out of the building via the main stairwell inside. You didn’t have any money on you, and you were dressed in your fleece pajamas with little lollipops on them, it was basically a walking advertisement for sexual assault.

So, you didn’t know how long you were up there on the roof, curled up next to one of the warm units on the roof, and out of the wind. It wasn’t a cold night since it was the start of summer, but you felt cold inside.

You only realized that you weren’t alone when you felt the sense of space filled near you. It was the only way you could think to describe the feeling of one of the brothers silently coming near you. It was an awareness that had grown in the time that you had known them.

“Donnie said that you didn’t want to watch the movie,” said Leo in a quiet voice as he sat down on the warm unit. “He didn’t say that you weren’t in your room.”

You didn’t say anything, staring emptily out at the city.

“You damn near gave me a heart attack,” Leo continued, seemingly speaking to the air around him as you continued to ignore him. “It was probably lucky that I was heading to the bathroom and not one of the others. Mikey would have lost his mind, and Raph would have panicked.”

There’s a worm of guilt there now.

You hadn’t wanted to worry your friends like that.

“Can I ask what’s wrong?”

Swallowing thickly, you finally moved and glanced up at him.

When you looked up at him, it felt as if, for the first time ever, you were finally seeing him.

Sitting there, with only the lights of the city to illuminate him, Leo looked like something from a dream. His blue eyes were bright but full of hurt and love as he looked down at you. His soft lips were pulled into a smirk, trying to cheer you up, but you could see that his heart was bleeding as badly as yours.

Oh god, you thought to yourself as fresh tears welled up in your eyes. I’m no better than Donnie. How did I not realize?

“I’m sorry,” you managed to whisper out past the lump in your throat.

That got his attention, and Leo shifted so he could kneel in front of your curled-up figure. You were hugging your knees to your chest, arms wrapped around your legs with your chin resting on your knees.

A gentle hand reached out and wiped away your tears, and suddenly your heart felt like it was aching all over again. Now you were hurting, thinking of all the times that Leo had listened to you talk about his brother. He had been your go-to man when you’d worked out how you had felt about Donnie, and not once had you ever guessed that he had felt anything more than friendship towards you.

“Shh, shh, what do you have to be sorry about?” He asked kindly, cupping your face as the tears slowly stopped. “Come on, tell me what’s wrong. What can I do to help you?”

Oh god.

You must be the worst person in the world.

With a whimper, you launched yourself at him, wrapping your arms around his neck, burying your face in the curve of his neck and shoulder. He didn’t even hesitate to wrap his arms around you, not moving an inch for suddenly taking your weight as well as his own while balancing only on the balls of his feet.

“Hang on, let me shift us, so we’re sitting down,” he said quietly, moving as he spoke. “I want you to be comfortable while you explain this to me.”

🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

It had been a month since the night on the rooftop.

You had poured your heart out to Leo, and in turn, you’d also apologized, for hurting him and being blind to how he had felt all along. You actually had to hold your hand over his mouth to stop him from interrupting you as you stammered out your apology, tears dripping off of your chin.

He’d forgiven you.

Of course, he would have forgiven you, even if you hadn’t just had your heart broken by his brother.

His brothers were his world, but they weren’t teenagers anymore.

Life moves on.

Now, you were about to go on your first official date with Leo. He’d asked you to meet him at the lair beforehand, and you skipped in, humming happily just as Mikey was shouting about something.

“-April’s pissed off!”

“What’s going on?” You asked innocently, having no idea what had gotten the orange-masked ninja so agitated.

“April an’ Casey are fightin’ again,” Raph explained with a sigh while Mikey fidgeted around him. “She says he’s cheating on her, but he says that he has no idea what’s going on.”

“Where did she get that idea from?” You asked, surprised. “I thought those two were solid?”

“Seems that Donnie's friend, Ana Leigh, tried to kiss Casey last night,” Mikey explained, blue eyes wide with the dramatic scandal of it all. “She didn’t even try an be subtle about it either. Casey said he nearly jumped out the window trying to get away from her, an’ April was just standing there all like, ‘whaaaaat?’”

You winced at the explanation while Raph rolled his eyes at Mikey’s dramatics, smirking despite the seriousness of the conversation. But then a thought occurred to you, and you frowned, “Wait, I thought Ana Leigh was Donnie’s girl?”

Mikey and Raph shared a look, too much being exchanged in that small moment for you to even try and understand what was going on, before they both looked over at the Lab door.

“Yeah, best to just give the guy some space for now,” Raph rumbled before turning away and heading toward the garage. “Mikey, you wanna help me change the oil in the bike?”

You saw the youngest brother open his mouth to complain that he should do that with Donnie before he realized what he was about to say and closed it again. “Alright, bro, but you owe me.”

The pair started to bicker playfully as they headed off to the garage, and you felt a warm pair of hands settle on your shoulders. A kiss was planted on the back of your neck, making you shiver and giggle.

Turning around, Leo smiled warmly down at you.

“Are you ready, Love?”

“Of course. Why did you want me to meet you down here?”

“Because I want to show you something secret, and I only know one way to get to it,” Leo explained honestly, taking your hand as he started to tug you towards one of the exits of the lair.

Giggling, you let yourself be pulled from the lair, not seeing the eyes that are watching you from the lab doorway.

🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢🐢

It's only once you've gone, while the sound of your voice faded away, that Donnie shut the door to his lab. Turning slowly around, he moved almost mechanically to his bed and sat down on the edge of it. He didn't have any of his gear on, not even his mask. He even took his glasses off, placing them carefully on the bedside table before he let himself go.

The tall tech-turtle folded in on himself, arms wrapped around his chest as his head flops down, tears falling in silent grief.

It hurt.

Oh, gods, it hurt.

But… he was being a good brother.

He was doing what Leo had asked him to do, all those many months ago when you’d started coming down to the lair. Leo had loved you since you’d first met, but it was only as you had become more involved in their lives that the blue-masked ninja had started to think he had a chance.

Donnie had thought nothing of it when he’d agreed to help Leo get the girl he loved.

Then, it started to become obvious who you had feelings for. In the beginning, he’d been flattered and it had taken all he could, not to respond to your compliments and gentle flirting.

He’d told himself that he didn’t care about you like that, and for a while, it had worked.

Until… until it wasn’t working.

Until he realized that… he really did love you.

Just as much as you had still loved him at that moment.

But he had promised, and despite it all, family came first.

So he had wiped away his tears, locked away his heart, and helped his brother get the girl he’d secretly loved for nearly two years.

Donnie shuddered as tears dripped off of his chin, and he tried not to make a sound.

Oh gods, did it hurt.

If you enjoyed it, Please reblog for others to enjoy🤩💕

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self-dx-culture-is · 5 months

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Welcome Post

This blog is inclusive of everyone who has a self-dx! All submissions should start with "Self dx/diagnosed culture is" (or a more specific version, such as "self dx autistic culture is").

I will ignore any posts asking me to diagnose them (as I'm not qualified), and I request that no one ask for help in self-diagnosis either. If I can find reliable resources, I will link them below, under the cut.

Feel free to vent, but let me now so I can tag it appropriately. If you would like, you may also request that reblogs and/or comments be turned off for that post.

Anons are welcome!

Claimed Anons may be found here(link)!

My Extensive DNI (/sarc)

NSFW content and blog followers (this makes us very uncomfortable)

If you come here just to spread hate or fakeclaiming, including anyone who uses "narc/histrionic/antisocial/borderline abuse" or uses "[all Cluster B terms]", "delusional", "insane", etc. as insults or otherwise misuses them.

Anyone who encourages harm relating to any disorder (e.g. pro ana, pro contact)

Transid (Transabled, transage, transrace, etc.). People with BIID are not included in this and are welcomed to interact.

(More may be added if incidents arise.)

About the Blog Owner:

We are an endogenic system and may be collectively called (the) Werewolf Pack. Our collective pronouns are She/They.

We have professionally diagnosed Amblyopia, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, and Avoidant Personality Disorder. We have self-diagnosed Synesthesia and Visual Snow Syndrome, and are questioning Schizotypal Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, Autism, and ADHD.

Base Account: @kpopwerewolf(link)

Tagging System:

All posts will either be tagged as either "self dx culture is" or "not culture is"

All triggers are tagged as: "tw [trigger]"

Vents are tagged as both: "tw vent" & "vent"

Positivity posts are tagged as: "positivity"

Negative posts are tagged as both: "negative" & "negativity"

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Tagging for promo: @paranoia-culture-is, @abnormalcultureis, @ndcultureis, @adhd-culture-is, @adhd-culture--is, @autism-culture-is. @autistic-culture-is, @depression-culture-is, @disabled-culture-is, @dyslexia-culture-is, @dyscalculia-culture-is, @no-empathy-culture-is, @ocd-culture-is, @posic-culture, @tourettes-culture-is, @schizospec-culture-is, @schizotypalpd-culture-is, @schizoid-culture-is, @schizopositivity, @synesthete-culture-is, @cluster-a-pds, @cluster-c-pds-culture-is, @cluster-b-culture-is, @ppd-culture-is, @aspd-culture, @bpd-culture-is, @hpdcultureis, @narcissisticpdcultureis, @avpdcultureis, @dpdcultureis

(If you want your link removed let me know!)

Resources:

DSM-5.pdf - Google Drive(link)

(Plurality:)

https://morethanone.info/(link)

What Is Plurality? – Plurality Resource(link)

powertotheplurals.com | Resource & articles for everymany - Dissociative identity disorder and other forms of plurality.(link)

More will be added as found! Feel free to suggest resources you've found helpful yourself!

#culture is #culture is blog #self dx #self dx culture is #inclusive #intro post #not culture is

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fisshbones · 2 months

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Who would the obey me characters main in overwatch?

Summary: what rank would they be and who would they main? (Head canons)

Characters: (Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan, simeon, thirteen.) Gn!reader (Only referred to as you) cw: just cursing i think.

a/n: Firt time writing for obey me. Also I have only started playing both of these games again after like a 1-3 year break so inaccuracies may have occurred 😬

Lucifer - Reinhardt + Sigma

- rank ~ Master

- He does not find video games appealing at all. But for you he’s willing to give it a try. He learns pretty fast, and after a while in his very little free time he ranks up to Master.

- For some reason he can’t manage to get to grandmaster or higher, and it HURTS his pride so much 😭

- He’s a Reinhardt main, a true classic. But he frequently also plays Sigma! The tank role is his favorite. It’s the most important role in his eyes, so it makes sense that he takes control and shields the team.

- Is pretty good callouts wise, slightly toxic if you go against the plan though. 💀

Mammon - Baptiste

- rank ~ Gold

- I KNOW Baptiste is a support but Mammon DOES NOT use him as one. Maybe that’s why he’s hard stuck gold (and the fact that he rarely gets a kill) 💀 The only person he’s supporting is himself (and maybe you too if you praise him a lil)

-Gives terrible callouts too, that is if he even joins voice chat 😒

- He’s spent days trying to get to at least diamond but he just can’t. Levi makes fun of him hardcore for it too. Please reassure him that it’s okay for him to be in gold ☹️

Leviathan - Dva + Genji

- rank ~ GM/top 500

- I could see him rank 1 but I can’t decide for what role. 🧐

- Levi is a flex role. He prefers tank or dps, but he has no issues with playing support either. If you give him puppy dog eyes he’ll be your pocket Mercy.

- He is the only Genji main in 2024 history to get a team wipe with dragon blade 💀 He also really likes Dva because she’s fun and a gamer like him 🥹

- SO GOOD WITH CALLOUTS A LITERAL PRO

- does Overwatch League take applications from hell?

- He isn’t too toxic but if anyone is toxic towards you he’ll be as mean as possible. Also challenges assholes in 1v1s and makes you a spectator. Just so you can watch him kick their ass 😎

Satan - Kiriko + Brigitte

- rank ~ platinum

- Satan could easily be higher if he really wanted to but he doesn’t really care.

- Cat girls enough said. Okayyyyy I know Kiriko ultimate is a kitsune but close enough.

- You’re probably sitting here like “vee brig isn’t a cat girl though?” Yes you’re technically right but she has a cat and that’s all that matters.

- Satan is a toxic brigitte/kiriko main, how iconic of him 🤩

- He’s good with callouts, but his account has been suspended multiple times for roasting the hell outta his “incompetent” teammates.

Simeon - Mercy

- rank ~ bronze

- This man is TERRIBLE with technology. Did you really expect him to be anything higher than the lowest rank?

- Yes he mains Mercy cause she’s a “guardian angel.” Also because as an angel he believes it is his duty to protect you. He is 100% your pocket mercy, even if you’re also a support.

- Callouts? What are callouts? Someone help this man. Even if you’re giving out the best callouts it doesn’t matter because he will still die. He does NOT understand a single thing you’ve said. Poor guy 😭

Thirteen - Ashe + Widowmaker

- rank ~ diamond

- Why those characters you may be asking? Because they serve cunt and so does Thirteen. It only makes sense for her to play the baddest bitches in the whole game 🥰

- She did not intend to get so high rank wise, she barely even plays the game 😭

- If you’re a Mercy main she expects you to pocket her. What about your other teammates? Nah don’t worry she’s got head shots for days. Your Ana can handle the rest of the team.

- She really doesn’t gaf about rank, she prefers quick play honestly. Her being a reaper takes up a lot of time so quick play is better for her time wise.

- She does pretty good callouts, sometimes she’ll make a passive aggressive remark to one of her teammates. But nothing too toxic.

Likes and reblogs appreciated! <3

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reveseke · 1 year

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Thought about a what if reader was insomniac and was found sleeping with Jack by Jessica?

PT. Thought about a what if reader was insomniac and was found sleeping with Jack by Jessica? PT end

Trope ... Mainly fluff

Feature ... Aaron Hotch Hotchner | Derek Morgan | Jessica (Hotch's SIL) | Jack Hotchner | Masc! Reader (he him)

CW ... Talks of insomnia | a fear of death/ not waking up anymore mentioned | also me swearing lol

Disc ... I'm not suffering from insomnia myself, i hope i didn't get something so fucking wrong lol. I know something off of insomnia, some little research I've done in past that stuck with me and I'm using some of my own sleeping problem experience on this but that's minor.

Edit ... I'm not actually sure her name was Veronica? For some reason I have a small itch it was lmao. Ok new edit, it was Jessica not Veronica and I'm editing it out lol

DNI - Fudanashis/fujodashis, women & fem-aligned, profic/proship, anti - LGBTQ+ folk & exclusionists, anti-antis, Necro- Zoo- Pedophiles + (NO)Maps(and other terms), basic DNI criteria, kink/nude/nsfw/sh/vent/pro-ana/ed/18+ blogs

So i got a thought of insomniac Reader who may as well stay awake for who knows how long being somewhat terrified of sleeping.

He may be plagued by nightmares of some kind, having a fear of not simply waking up anymore or possibly just too many thought that run rampant and he can't keep them still enough.

Just lying in bed with both the men as they either sleep or one or both are still awake and try to help him. But they have a little time window sometimes which means Reader may be alone most of the time and left with his own thought more than they'd like to let him.

Thinking how he'll greet them when they wake up to a case and come back just working as normally as he can manage both of them seeing how the lack of sleep is dripping off if the man.

I think both of them be dragging the poor man to bed one at a time if he starts wandering bc he's restless as fuck.

The one time they actually hear about him sleeping when on a case is when Jessica, Hotch's Sister-in-law (is it ex?-sister-in-law bc Hayley's dead? Idk may be), comes to pick up Jack.

The silence in the house was uncanny, it felt displaced as Jack wandered around the house he called home. It was usual for him to see one of his dad's wondering around mumbling to himself about something he never could catch as Aaron and Derek had left for another case.

The boy knew it wasn't exactly normal for him to be in a house of silence. Wandering to the master bedroom door, he slowly and lightly opened the door with a creek.

It didn't do anything to alert the man inside as all the boy heard were soft snores. Otherwise the room was completely silent, sun pouring in and dappling spots on the bed and the covers where he could see a imprint of a person splayed on the bed, spotting strands of (h/c) hair on the head that was slightly tucked under the covers.

The morning was silent as Jessica opened the door, looking around lightly and calling out to Jack and Reader. Nothing came of it as no answer was heard, wandering inside the house for a little bit she found the master bedroom's door ajar.

The view of seeing her nephew hugging a body of one of the lovers of Aaron was adorable, just laying besides him and making a shushing motion towards her as she called out Jack's name. The boy understood that R had difficulties sleeping and he didn't want him to wake up yet, it was unknown go R if that was the reason Jack staid with him or not. Just guarding, bc he had heard Jessica tell about a fly that the boy was trying to slap out of the air when it came too close at least once.

Except that yet turned into sleeping three days with R regretting everything. At least he could have been blessed with some pictures of the scene or a possible stuffed animal or two besides him bc Jack didn't want him to be alone when he woke up.

I really think the boys all of them would do something small for R to try to help him. Doing subtly things that would not irritate him if he was known to be really easy to be irritated when lacking a lot of sleep.

Jack would absolutely share his studies with him, saying they'd scare off the nightmares or thoughts if R had ever answered a question from the boy on why he was up. Not that R would take them, he'd give them back at the end of the day saying it's important that they're protecting Jack instead of him and stressing about it to the boy. But he does not hear it.

I think R would be doing things out of boredom at night when he's restless and doesn't feel comfortable cuddling with Aaron and Derek for the moment. Were it baking, maybe crocheting, crafting or doing something else if R is handy enough and there's something to fix he could do it, he would do it to pass time.

#derek morgan x male reader #aaron hotchner x male reader #derek morgan x aaron hotchner x reader #male reader #insomniac reader #criminal minds x masc reader #criminal minds x male reader #🔮.headcanon #🔮.masc reader

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