#only to grow up & find out what autism is & go “oh im actually just like millions of other people who are not famous at all. yay!” | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elasticitymudflap · 5 months

Note

If Betty returns in season two, what kind of plot lines and character arcs would you like to see for her? Which characters do you want to see her interact with?

oh man. okay buckle up because you are about to endure my full frontal autism.

first you're going to have to go into this post knowing that i am insane about betty grof. i am aware of this. but they also called me crazy back in 2012 when i said simon and betty probably loved each other very much despite the fact she disappeared, and that she was probably a huge chaotic badass, AND I WAS RIGHT so.

all of this aside, here are a couple things i think would be epic and sexy of them to address:

~betty's past~

GIRL WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.

no, seriously. i hate that the cut content from the storyboards revealed so much about her that didn't make the final 'jerry' cut. betty is passionate, intense, and liked simon's work because he was this weird little guy who proudly had all these "out there" theories. she even stated that "ancient magic" was once her major, so it's no fucking wonder she was so jazzed to find the one other guy who studied and believed in the strange things she did.

how did betty come to have these strange beliefs, and to the point of pursuing it in fucking grad school? was she just always like this? did her interests and beliefs put her at odds with others when she was growing up, little miss dig-her-way-down-to-the-devil, and that's part of the reason she wanted all the more to support simon?

reading that scene in temple of mars where magic betty laments "what remains" of her original self after spending so long dedicated to simon, even if you take into account the way MMS is warping her perspectives and cranking her obsessive tendencies to 11, i find it hard to believe betty didn't grow up with some kind of instability or trauma that made her more prone to throw herself completely at someone who showed her genuine love and kindness. this isn't necessarily a fault on simon's part, he probably didn't even clock it because he was so caught up with trying not to fuck things up with her (he's got his own issues). but it definitely seems like this is something deeply coded into her being, especially when you consider she was willing to leave everything she knew behind in an instant for him.

and i NEED to know more about the wacky shit she was up to in ooo, before and after becoming magic betty. did she ever go to wizard city? did other wizards even know about her? what does she think about her time as magic betty? moreover, how the hell did king man even get betty to agree to his weird idea of cognitive behavioural therapy?? how did she actually go from literally willing to kill herself via time travel to actually accepting that she needed help getting over simon?? did prismo and the cosmic owl get involved?? what is their connection to king man and mars anyway, i mean we know grob gob glob grod hung out with them?? do you think betty knew at any point about simon's head holding the fionna and cake universe?? SO MANY QUESTIONS RAAARRGHGHHGHH

also, not to get super sappy, but i want to see the enchiridion expedition from her perspective!! i want to see her progression from 'hell yeah im going on an adventure with that guy whose research i admire' to 'oh my god i love his stupid ass help????'.

~betty's guilt (feat. regrets)~

i don't care what the alternate bus stop scene said, you will never convince me betty grof has "no regrets". i think she has 'no regrets' in terms of loving simon, and she would never want him to think that she regrets their relationship because of what it "did" to her (turned her into a kaiju). i think this scene was betty trying to give simon a modicum of closure by reassuring him of that fact, and trying to help him reckon with the fact that there's no going back and changing how things ended up for the two of them; from here on out they can only move forward.

that being said, we know that betty will often push simon into doing things she thinks are best for him, whether he wants these things or not, such as not getting held up by snakes or not dying. she's a quick thinker and a risk taker who doesn't like looking at the 'big picture', and these are things she's probably very aware about herself.

i think, in the 12 years that they were apart, betty probably had a lot of time to reflect on her decisions after the crown came into their lives. how her hubris in trying to study magic ended up in her becoming "magic betty", how magic betty nearly ended/condoned the end of the world multiple times, how she ultimately did cure simon but almost killed him in the process. most of all, you cannot convince me betty wouldn't agonize over how her split-second decision to jump into the future affected simon. you really think betty fucking grof would've have been totally unaffected by the revelation that simon spent nearly ten human lifetimes agonizing over driving her away?

in her last interaction with him, magic betty's recklessness cured them... only to then be grotesquely crushed to death inside of golb. but he didn't get upset with her, he didn't panic, he didn't even fight it, he just... gave in. there's this air of acceptance to him, an acceptance that comes after prolonged and complicated grief, that i'd argue, wasn't the culmination of being cured, but the culmination of his long and painful battle over losing her; he was content to die as long as he was with her. that must have been... really something for her to mull over.

i could easily see her developing a bit of a complex over it. i think it would be fascinating to see a betty who now, after all the dust as settled, has looked at their history and concluded that she was the common denominator in all of this, that she is bad for simon, that in a way she is a "curse" to him. and that it would be the perfect justification for her staying away from him all these years, thinking without her influence he could finally move on from her and live the rest of his human life happily with his new magic future friends.

i don't think betty has necessarily "moved on" from simon, i think she still loves him dearly... but as i said, thoroughly convinced she'll only damage him further if she keeps trying to pursue him, and that simon's breakdown during season 1 was only more evidence to that fact.

i think she's trying to lead him to get over her 'for his own good', and that she's purposefully being vague and simplifying conclusions about their relationship so he doesn't try to fight her on it like he always does when she makes these huge decisions for them. she's not bringing any of the stuff she actually regrets up with him because only betty sees it as a problem. simon is so enamoured with her he probably wouldn't even entertain the possibility that she had negative effect on him, but he would believe the reverse in a heartbeat.

this isn't me saying they're ""toxic"" at all, i'm saying that these are two very damaged people who would benefit from multiple types of therapy. and that, as they are, they currently are more likely to keep going in loops with unhealthy behaviours and blaming themselves ad infinitum rather than try to reckon with how they can change, and how it is a problem that they'll always do it for the other, but never for themselves.

even if all of my above ramblings turn out to be bunk: betty grof needs some kind of therapy for her pre-existing self sacrificial tendencies and self worth issues, a space for her to process and work through all of the things that happened to her in ooo, couple's counselling, and the biggest blunt known to man.

you might be wondering "emery, why are you talking about her like she isn't beyond such things? she's golb now, the embodiment of chaos! her ""arc"" is over."

~golbetty conspiracy theory time~

i'm not entirely convinced betty is golbetty as we've come to understand her. i stand by this with my crumbs of a conspiracy theory in that when simon first did the ritual, it was ORIGINAL golb's face that flashed over the scene (not golbetty or even the statue's face), and how golbetty seemed to transform back into Golb Classic after she blew simon away into the void. there's also this weird thing where golbetty had these holes or rips on her leg when she rotated; i thought it was an animation error but then it was also in the storyboards so idk what to believe...

plus the boards ive seen seem to only refer to them as "GOLB", never 'GOLBetty', which i just find... interesting

and i keep thinking about simon info-dumping about golb to betty in the 'come along with me' flashback and the specific wording that was used: "imagine if we could somehow harness all that dank energy..." and then comparing it to the specific wording of betty's wish "... however it has to happen, I wish for the power to keep Simon safe"

there's a couple lines in 'you forgot your floaties' regarding betty's work before becoming magic betty that i feel often get overlooked, one being how tiny manticore describes the situation as "she thinks she can save her BF, Simon, by finding the source of magic," and in betty's own words: "studying [magic madness and sadness] could lead me to their underlying cause, and then I'll control the forces that hold sway over Simon"

i've always wondered if part of the reason betty's wishes to "banish golb from this world/for golb to disappear" didn't work was not just because they didn't tap into her heart's deepest wish (keeping simon safe), but because a wish like that would also require some kind of fundamental change to the laws of the universe first in order for it to work. magic betty even references golb as "the most powerful force in the universe," so how would the crown ever hope to compete with that? according the ancient candy elemental, wish magic has the potential to cause "irreversible damage to the very structure of existence". maybe the crown itself couldn't banish golb with a simple wish, but it could restructure the world to create someone who was powerful enough to control even golb, if only it were structured through the correct wishing language.

and it would make total sense for betty to become that person.

i've been thinking about the way the candy elemental tries to warn evergreen from using the crown: "this wish may see things in you you cannot see yourself, can you truly say you know your heart's truest desire?"

i wonder if there may have been two elements to betty's wish, and the part of it that betty "didn't see in herself" was her worded in the language of "power"; betty's desire to gain control over forces of the universe no human could ever hope to fight against, let alone win.

she spent her human life fascinated by ancient magic, fighting to get her's and simon's work recognized as valid and worthwhile. then, she's suddenly in the future, fighting to stop simon from dying, physically fighting at times, and fighting to find a way to gain control over these "forces" that held him prisoner. she essentially is fighting to become the conqueror of magic, madness, and sadness... and she fails, becomes a victim of it. and it all goes downhill from there, the loss of control over herself, over her mind, over her goals, yet the most 'betty' thing about her is that she's still fighting, albeit a bit crooked and to the detriment of all else. in the end, she's even fighting with herself, fighting to remember who she even is without the fight, not even sure if that person exists anymore.

and then she's freed, suddenly, from the confines of MMS to the literal confines of a quickly shrinking prison. when you watch the two of them in that scene, she isn't fighting to escape the same way finn is literally fighting the wall, but you can tell she's not giving up. part of her is still fighting to think of a way out, even when it feels like there's absolutely no hope left.

her desire "for the power" could mean, in a sense, to have the ability to be in control of all that she couldn't at one time or another: time, fate, magic, life, death, chaos... but this was articulated through her love for simon, because it's the only way she probably even recognizes it within herself.

this is why i don't entirely think betty and golb are fused, or that betty is solely "golbetty". i think being "fused" with no possibility of escape would be antithetical to the language and possible wider implications of her wish. this is why i think she's something above even golb, like a being with the ability to possess/harness the power of other deities. and i think she does this specifically in scenarios where simon is in immediate danger and she needs to control them or harness their power in order to protect him.

i'm ready to be proven wrong, and i probably will be. still, i rotate these thoughts in my head at a dangerous velocity, and none of you can stop me.

~ok i'm done ill stop being insane now (lying)~

so to... actually answer your question, i REALLY want betty to meet fionna and cake, because it sounds to me like they remind simon a lot of her. i would just love to see the absolute fucking tornado they'd be when put in a room together.

also, obviously first and foremost, I NEED BETTY TO TALK TO MARCELINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, as far as season 2 goes, something is definitely up with prismo. and since he's guardian/creator of multiverse entities, who the fuck knows what that means for the fabric of existence if he's glitching out.

all im saying is, i wouldn't be surprised if our main trio end up having to save the multiverse and have to do so with help from other... entities. bettities, even. (hehe. bettity)

#here i am; 27 and writing 7 page essays about betty grof #just as nature intended

91 notes · View notes

catgirlbussy · 8 months

Text

holy shit i just realised im autistic

i know this seems like a shitpost, and tbf i am laughing at myself pretty hard rn. it's dawning on me at 6 AM after being awake all night, but (if you care, and if you don't feel free to ignore too, have a nice day!) hear me out, cause this genuinely feels meaningful and insightful for me with how my life has gone so far. I spent an hour writing this post in hopes someone might find it helpful too :3c

If you don't wanna read my post pls enjoy this picture of our famous friend autism baby stackin those cans before you go~♪

(source: wikipedia)

like i already /knew/ I was before this moment, but i was thinkin about what i used to do as a kid and wow i am so autistic how the fuck did i not realise sooner. It straight up wasn't until I was already well into my 20's that I started to meet other autistic people online and learned about their experiences and difficulties from talking with them that I realised a lot of things they described matched for me too.

I live in assfuck nowhere so most of my life the only few times that I had met autistic people were like, folks who were nonverbal or whatever, just generally needing direct assistive care, and I never bothered to look things up on my own because I was already inundated with the pressures of growing up, school, mental health, etc. I remember one of the first times I had built up the courage to ask anyone about it, I was in the hospital because of mental health issues. This was in my second year uni, and when one of the doctors assessing me was asking me questions, I said I thought maybe I was autistic. He promptly and with a fair amount of snark told me that if I was autistic I wouldn't have gotten into university.

Thinking back, he was probably just an exhausted, fresh outta school resident with no special interest in psychiatric care (and also just seemed to suck in general), but it was enough that I shelved the idea for another 5 years.

Lo and behold, now I am lying here in bed, just absolutely gobsmacked by the VERY REAL idea that im autistic and like holy shit I feel so vindicated.

I've been on tumblr for just a bit, but I see a lot of folks talking in various neurodivergent circles about their experiences and that's been so wonderful for me. I also have a few good friend groups w/ a lot of neurodivergent folks, and that's been really exciting too.

Like, I'm still processing this cognitively as I'm writing, so please pardon this ill patterned post, but this feels like such a beneficial thing for me. Over time I've adapted a few strategies here and there to help myself accomplish various tasks, but now I feel so empowered to, like... actually figure stuff out.

Even after feeling confident I was autistic, it was this nebulous, floating concept in my head for so long of, "oh yeah im autistic or something idk," that I never really dedicated much effort to finding healthier ways to do things that didn't irk me or whatever. I don't feel like the label /itself/ is what is important to me here, but rather the awareness around why I do so many things in the ways that I do and that it's /okay/ that I do.

I don't want this post to go on too much longer, but I feel it's worth noting that I've fought for years with my family because they didn't understand why I was going about things the way I did. Again, remember, they all grew up in this cloistered hellhole too. But, surprise surprise, the times in my life that I have been doing better than any other are when I felt confident enough to ignore what everyone was trying to get me to go along with and instead just fashioned my own best methods (which also sometimes included informing said overbearing individual(s) to go fuck themselves cause I'm busy doing shit. It's hard for them to argue with me telling them as much when I would be completing X objective well, which is what they wanted in the first place).

I don't want to make this sound like I'm trying to be overconfident, but I mention as much instead as a sign of support for other neurodivergent folks to feel similarly empowered to drum to their own beat. Thinking back, I went from almost failing high school and ultimately retaking a grade to excelling in all my classes. Every single one. I know that's a relative assessment, you got variable difficulty levels, etc., and the grade score isn't important in and of itself, least of all because the school systems here (Canada) are a mess it seems, but just that alone as an idea, within the parameters of a particular system, I went from initial abject failure to thorough and lauded success.

Just think of what so many people could do if they weren't being pigeonholed into formats that absolutely aren't working for them.

I already have a boatload of (genuinely helpful by way of enabling access to proper education and treatment) diagnoses from my history of working with my (very wonderful and genuinely caring and helpful) psychiatrist that match with what I know about the neurodivergence term umbrella like ADHD, OCD, and bipolar, so it seems |autism| will feel quite at home in the group ^w^. I'll ask her about it at my next appointment to see if an official diagnosis has any value versus me just continuing to figure things out on my own.

Either way, I am thrilled right now thinking about the next time I get to shout

"FUCK YOU IM DOING AUTISTIC SHIT"

while an electric guitar squeals and lightning strikes all around me and I make cool stuff happen :3c.

74 notes · View notes

creativeusernamerighthere · 1 year

Text

more will solace hcs

he’s deaf in one ear and hard of hearing in the other so he uses hearing aids

people started wanting to learn asl to accommodate him and he ended up teaching a class for those interested. almost everyone at camp goes

hes an outgoing introvert: he loves being around people but sometimes he needs to recharge by himself

he has autism spectrum disorder, undiagnosed until he gets to camp and one of his older siblings tells him he might be autistic. they send him to chiron and they were right, though he still doesn’t have a diagnosis in the mortal world

hes pretty good at masking but during his time at camp has gotten better at being ok with not having his mask up

he does the flappy hands stimming when he’s excited and he’ll jump up and down but only in front of people he trusts

otherwise for stimming he fingerspells (basically spelling out words in asl) either the alphabet or a long word that he hears, and he fidgets with his jewelry. he likes beaded jewelry like his camp necklace for this purpose

he wears tons of elastic beaded bracelets, like covering half his forearms, so he can play with them but also because he likes all the different colors and patterns. elastic specifically so he can easily push them up or take them off for when he needs to heal people

he doesn’t like healing bc it means people are hurt. yes he’s glad that he can help, but he would much prefer he didn’t have to be a healer at all

along those lines, he wants to be a tattoo artist when he grows up. he’s ok with being a doctor bc he thinks that’s what he’s supposed to do (eldest child syndrome and being raised as a healer). he’d feel guilty for not helping as many people as possible if he didn’t become a doctor, but especially after all the wars, he’d much rather just be doing art, especially tattoos bc he can make them heal quicker. working as a doctor will be taxing on his mental health as an adult

on that note, i think he’ll go to med school, drop out after a couple semesters and start his work as a tattoo artist after realizing just how bad his mental health can get from healing (the trauma of all the injuries and deaths he has seen is too much, especially since when they’re covering a type of injury in his med school classes, often times he associates a friend with said injury)

he could never decide on a favorite color as a kid, but now if you ask him it’s sunset orange and twilight

he was obsessed with yu gi oh or pokemon or magic the gathering when he was younger

he wasn’t into warrior cats but all the other kids at camp were. he didn’t often interact with annabeth bc she was a cool older kid, but during his first school year at camp, the year before percy got to camp, she begged him to be their medicine cat

he listens to audiobooks. especially when doing arts and crafts or doing menial tasks

he (and a lot of battle of manhattan vets) has trauma and flashbacks from the song staying alive

unironically listens to country music, everyone makes fun of him for it

also secretly loves taylor swift

definitely listens to a lot of classic rock too

he and leo tried dating once, went on a singular date and decided that was that. they didn’t actually like each other, it was really just peer pressure

definitely in the same school year as that, but whether it was before or after is up for grabs (im leaning towards after), he dated connor stoll. it wasn’t very serious and they both knew that, so no hard feelings when they broke up, they kept being close friends. both have physical touch as a huge love language, so you could always find them with their arms around each other. while will and nico probably do a lot of casual touches that are less noticeable like a hand on the others knee, connor and will are both big personalities and so they were all over each other. talk about pda. the amount of times their friends and siblings found them making out wasn’t even funny, not to mention they were always sitting on each others laps and hugging each other from behind, etc

they broke up after two or three months when they both decided they needed to focus more on the war with the romans and on spending all their time with their siblings and friends, just in case

the apollo cabin runs a tattoo parlor (under the radar). it’s been running for who knows how long, at least decades, a secret that each head counselor passes down to the next generation before they go off to college. now will runs it, as the lead healer of the cabin. this was his first exposure to tattoos and what led him to his aforementioned dream of being a tattoo artist

speaking of tattoos, after getting the sun on his chest and realizing it didn’t hurt too bad, he let his siblings experiment on him. he doesn’t mind having a couple of small tattoos in odd places, so long as he agrees to the design beforehand. so what if he has a ghost on one wrist and a frog on the other? it’s cute, he likes it, but he never would have thought of it if he didn’t give his siblings some creative freedom

he loves doodling and drawing. no painting or any other media than pencil, charcoal, or one color pen, but he does some awesome drawings

#will solace #percy jackson #percy jackon and the olympians #nico di angelo #connor stoll #heroes of olympus #leo valdez #tattoos #cabin 7 #trials of apollo #pjo series #pjo fandom #pjo hoo toa #headcanon

69 notes · View notes

remade-c18r0 · 2 years

Text

The Great Judistelle Manifesto

Judith parallels Yuri and Estelle parallels Flynn.

"Oh, where?" I'm glad you asked.

CONTAINS HEAVY VESPERIA SPOILERS!

Rita treats blastia like people. This is important. Judith destroying blastia is constantly treated akin to murdering a person. In Rita's case, it's because of her isolated childhood experiences with having blastia as her only company. She's feared and ignored in Aspio despite being the smartest mage there because she is so eccentric. Autism. Anyway. But the story outside of Rita also treats the destruction of blastia (before you learn they're literally destroying the world) as a terrible thing that has to be hidden not only from Rita but from everyone since blastia are something people depend on and allegedly can't live without. You see where im going with this. (By the way, with Yuri, Karol, instead of Rita, is the 3rd party who has to think about Yuri's actions as right and just.)

I think it's fairly obvious the way the game sets up the Yuri | Judith parallels and their moral struggles with doing the things they do. Judith knows this is the right thing regardless even if Yuri visibly has a harder time given murder is actual human lives... though blastia is still distantly human life as it is what protects the humans. Judith has no other way to do this, though, just as Yuri found using himself to save others the only way to punish people the law would not. It's also interesting to note how it's not shown that Judith ever especially likes destroying blastia. It's just... her only purpose in life - to clean up the mess the empire made of her father's inventions.

Later in the story you see her grow. Not wavering on destroying blastia, but she definitely is more conscious of how the others are viewing it. On the Fiertia after they ran out of Nordopolica, she was reluctant to leave her newfound family though she knew the blastia on the ship was more bane than boon, even if not in the short run. The world is more important, right? ...............Right. Even what she says as she leaves on Ba'ul drips with reluctance. She knows her purpose, but she wavers because she has family, now, and doesn't want to lose it. Yuri also stops with his stupid "I'll do it on my own" bullshit when he remembers he's not alone. If you want real analysis on this its not happening in my lesbian parallel manifesto but you can see it happen ingame.

Judith knew all along that Estelle was a natural aer conductor of massive proportion and throughout the acts she grows not indifferent to but fond of her. Though she scolds Estelle for indecision, it was the right thing to do. Estelle was still finding her own path. She knew she wanted to help the world and explore and learn about herself… but she didn't know how. Judith defends Estelle from the very first time Pharoah found her. Judith wants her to find her path because she knows what Estelle is. She wants Estelle to find out what exactly she is so she can see how Estelle reacts and her plan to fix what she seemingly cannot help, though it's too early ingame for Judith to express this given how secretive and closed off she is. She wants Estelle to have a plan so she doesn't have to kill her. Yes, it's Flynn parallel time. I do believe it is important to note that Flynn has a plan, yes, but what matters is that it kind of sucks unless you truly think in raw ideal. Bear with me.

Just as Estelle is born as this existence that damages the world just by living and she has to find a way to fix it because she's hurting others in a way she never wanted to, Flynn joined the knights to fix the empire and instead became a pawn (!!!) doing exactly what Alexei wanted in ways that he (!) never (!!) wanted (!!!) to (!!!!). Flynn wants to be a good knight and get high enough in status to have the means to protect the people, Estelle wants to find out who she is and subsequently put a stop to the damage she's doing unintentionally so she can help people. You see.

While the Yuri | Judith parallels are right at your face, I think the Flynn | Estelle one is much more subtle, even if their roles are very aligned. Estelles power, without even trying to, uses ungodly amounts of aer that is poisoning the world and making it wither, even if all she uses it for is healing. Flynns method of climbing to the top inherently has to let a lot of bad things slide so he isn't shunted aside and he can, instead, make the world a better place, but… later. Estelle accidentally killing Belius isn't equivalent to Nordopolica, no. It's equivalent to Flynn letting Ragou go, because he didn't have a choice not to. Estelle's arc is just Flynn's but in-the-moment. Estelle's actions have direct consequences that you see immediately. The consequences to Flynn's actions are more implied than anything else, except when Yuri shoves them right into his face. The implication is what makes everyone insist Flynn doesn't have any blood on his hands, even though if Yuri wasn't there to make quick (and deadly) amends, his actions definitely would have hurt a lot of people even though we are all aware that Flynn's goal is only to help people. As is Estelle's.

Flynn becoming Alexei's pawn to find Apatheia (a weapon used for war)= Estelle becoming Alexei's pawn to shoot off the “weapon” at Zaude. I'm… not sure how much clearer that can get.

Though there's nothing either of them want more than to help people, they are forced into positions (due to outside forces on both sides: Flynn by constant pressure on all sides to be a “perfect” knight and obey orders due to his trauma against disobeying, and Raven [for his own backstory I'm not going to unpack here] delivering Estelle to Alexei for his plan as was his plan generally from the start) where they are hurting both people and the world against their will and for Alexei's. While Yuri was the wakeup point for both of them, (Thank you king for your service) I must reiterate what I say every 3 seconds = Yuri and Estelle are treated narratively explicitly as siblings. This is entirely unmissable. Yuris equal is always Flynn. Again, not analyzing this in the middle of the other lesbians. Moving on.

Judith and Estelle's moment is when the party goes to meet Pharaoh. Judith defends Estelle's existence against what she considers to be her own brethren, given how the Krityans and the Entelexia interact and Judith's own bond with Ba’ul. Just… look.

This also mirrors Nordopolica in a way differently from the slapping-out-of-trance - Judith says she’ll kill Estelle if they can't fix the problem. She doesn't want to, but she means it, if it's for the world.

…………...The parallel is clear here.

“Are you gonna follow Ragou and Cumore’s examples?!” “If I did, would you just kill me as well? Would you do away with me like you did Ragou and Cumore?” “If you go and become a villain, you won’t be giving me much choice.” = “I understand that I’m a threat to the Entelexia. But you said I am a poison to this world… If it is true that my existence cannot be tolerated... Then it’s okay if I have to die.” “And if… if the effects of Estelle’s power reach their absolute limit… I will kill her as promised.”

== “If I continue hurting people, will I be stopped?” “I will stop you myself.” Judith and Estelle are a little less dramatic about it, but hey. Flynn and Yuri are just like that. Parallels don't have to be exact.

This ..is how i have to end this document because the ps4 doesn't want to connect to the TV so I can see my screenshots. They flirt a lot and its cute. but generally it goes that their relationship gets better as the game progresses after this; Judith becomes more open with the rest of Brave Vesperia and lets them in a little more from her closed off state, and Estelle becomes more decisive in what she wants to do. They grow to trust each other fully instead of how it was before. UNLIKE Flynn and Yuri this is the climax of their relationship arc, but it's better that way, because holy shit, Flynn and Yuri are really just like that all the time.

Tl;dr:

Judistelle is Fluri with a more fantastical spin on their arcs

They are actual equals around the same age

I think they're neat

Do I think if there's Fluri theres Judistelle? Yes. Do I think that if there wasn't there wouldn't be? No. If Flynn and Yuri weren't already friends before the story, they probably would not have gotten to where they are at the end of it. Nor do I believe they would have survived it, either, given that their relationship (whatever you believe it to be) is the foundation of Vesperia. If you don't know what that means… please replay the game. Their ideals have always been the same, but the way they go about them is so drastically different that they never would have seen eye to eye had they not already known the goodness inside each other. But Judith and Estelle have the same development within the span of the story without the history needed to back it up. So . They're pretty good.

#tales of vesperia #tov #vesperia spoilers #judistelle #fluri #judith vesperia #estellise sidos heurassein #estelle vesperia #mine #.txt

10 notes · View notes

nexus-nebulae · 2 years

Text

doctor: why do you think you have autism? You speak aloud so well

me:

me: *is considered the "weird one" in pretty much every social group i am in*

me: *knows way too many facts about plants that grow in funny ways and foodstuffs that are mistakenly labeled as vegetable when they're actually a fruit and hey did you know that watermelon is considered the state vegetable of the state of Oklahoma?*

me: *sits for hours arbitrarily sorting my button collection in more ways than a normal person would think possible*

me: *spent about ten minutes in the bathroom earlier literally just hopping in place and flapping my hands and going 'mm!' out loud because Brain Said So*

me: *accidentally talks over my friends constantly because i get carried away infodumping and then they can't shut me up (guys im so sorry)*

me: *has about ten articles of clothing that i wear on loop because no clothing stores sell clothes that aren't Texture Suck so i can never find good clothes*

me: *eats the same meal every single day because it's the only food in the house that isn't Illegal™ this month apparently*

me: *literally dropped out of school (and physically cannot get a job) because the bright fluorescent lighting giving me migraines constantly mixed with the constant loud sounds of like a hundred students overstimming me every day mixed with the stress of being pressured to complete work i didn't understand because classrooms are built specifically for only neurotypicals mixed with the social stress of never really being able to connect with other students and being alienated for being 'weird' even though they never tell me what i did wrong mixed with the physical pain of masking all the fucking time drove me to the point of literal daily meltdowns and panic attacks and one day i decided i just wasn't going to fucking deal with this shit anymore and refused to so much as leave my room and i got in trouble for truancy before they decided to let me go as long as i went to counseling*

me: oh i dunno. just a hunch

#echos #vent #ok this got. this got more venty than i meant it to #but it's true. so.#literally probably the only reason they refuse to diagnose me is because I'm able to speak out loud to them without assistance #it's just that I've been around doctors my ENTIRE life #I'm constantly sick and I've been this way my whole life #so i got used to it #it became normal #and i figured out how that social environment works SO much quicker than say chatting with my peers #especially with my mother being completely deaf. most of the time i would do the talking #(partially because some doctors just absolutely refused to be accessible and let my mother enter the conversation)#(which. really isn't a good sign for a medical professional)#but. I would talk for myself #and i got used to it #and before appointments i always write down lists of what i need to say and i rehearse to make sure i cover all the bases #and. i just. i have all this evidence to back me up #but they turn me away at the door because i 'speak well'#fuckin hell. anyway. I'm going to sleep soon. goodnight #oh i should also add #tw ableism #cause. yeah.

3 notes · View notes

luque-moreau · 3 years

Text

y'know i think its about time ive refurbished my psychonauts headcanons/theories

what??? me??? rewriting my psychonauts headcanons in a more comprehensible and informed way???

alright, i think everyone knows what im talking about, by headcanons i mean headcanon as in singular, and as singular, i mean my "raz is somewhere on the spectrum of adhd".

so lets just get into it:

what is adhd actually?

adhd by definition stands for attention deficit hyperactive/hyperfocus disorder (yes, let me get into the details in just a sec). it is a nerodevelopmental disorder that is almost completely reliant on genetic factors, however conditions during pregnancy can sometimes contribute to certain aspects of how adhd manifests itself.

long story short, people with adhd have a smaller frontal lobe, and therefore less dopamine in general (even though yes, it is more complicated than that).

theres also a little bit of "chicken or the egg first" goin on here, certain behaviors or personality tendencies can also affect how adhd is presented in one individual to the next, however its still not clear if that is because it is an accommodating for a certain thought process or if someones experiences and personality shape their symptoms of adhd entirely. its a very blurry line, and the answer is different for everybody.

hyperactive type

hyperactive type is probably the closest to most stereotypical depictions of adhd, think the 5 year old whos parents brush off their child’s hyperactivity as something that will “go with age”. however, this isn’t only present in children, adults with adhd have to deal with a constant need for stimuli to make up for the lack of dopamine their current activity is providing them. this results in someone fidgeting frequently in repetitive or predictable motions, unable to hold attention to a specific task for long periods of time, or many other of the symptoms associated with adhd.(i sadly cannot provide more information in this area, i am not knowledgeable enough to...)

hyperfocus type

hyperfocus type is a tricky one, it can look like the complete opposite of adhd in theory. hyperfocus can look similar to special interests or hyperfixation, a great deal of time and knowledge dedicated to a very particular thing (although it is important to note that even though hyperfixations and special interests are incredibly similar, special interests is a term more typically used within autistic-circles, and isnt really the best word to use if you happen to be neurotypical). Think of maybe that kid who knows all the cool animal facts and won’t shut up about them. Its because certain trains of thought or activities might release more dopamine then others, so to get more of that dopamine, someone of hyperfocus type will be mentally unable to stop thinking or doing a very specific task or topic. this results in someone seemingly always spacing out, unable to change subjects or changing subjects too fast or with little to no correlation, or being completely unable to have enough motivation to do simple things.

personally i tend to fall under the category of hyperfocus myself rather than hyperactive, however the two are not mutually exclusive, its more common to find people with both types rather than just one. even myself, i might exhibit more tendencies to place me under the label of hyperfocus, but that doesn’t mean i don’t have any symptoms of the hyperactive type. its my personality that affects my mannerisms, which then makes certain aspects of my symptoms more or less apparent. Thats because im an INTP-T, i just tend to be more to myself and constantly in a state of thinking abstractly. I have trouble communicating and even sometimes recognizing my needs, and get to a point where im unable to do the simplest of things without feeling emotionally drained. Thats just my experience though, everybodys different.

so what the fuck does this have to do with raz then?

well lets think about it, rather than have it just be me projecting myself onto a comfort character:

raz finds issue with connecting to kids his age

lets be honest. none of the campers really like raz that much. or at least some do the bare minimum to be try and be polite. it doesn’t seem like any of the other campers besides dogen, whos also socially outcasted, are really fond of raz. lili might like him, but that can definitely be interpreted as curiosity in someone new and different from the norm. It might not be that the kids despise him, but nobodys opinionated enough to care whether he is around or not.

social isolation is one of the most damning things i had to experience from an early age and still feel even today. there is a sense of feeling that you are different among your peers, whether that is a good thing or bad thing. it feels difficult to interact with other people you are not familiar with, and can really stunt you emotionally and socially. from a really early age, theres somethin in you that knows something is very different between the experiences of your peers compared to your own, and it can feel incredibly isolating.

raz and his borderline stupidity

time to get real again. raz is a fucking idiot. at least in the sense that sometimes his decisions seem incredibly spontaneous and not really thought through. he runs from home to attend a summer camp, not really thinking about the logistics of how he will get there, how the staff will react, how long its gonna take for his parent to find him, and so on. it doesn’t seem like he over or underestimates his abilities, he just goes for it without considering. that doesnt seem like the smartest thing to do, even though we know hes incredibly intelligent when it comes to larger, abstract situations. its the little details that he misses, small minuet things that seem unimportant that he overlooks, which can sometimes make things harder for him in the end.

i think its obvious that impulsivity is one symptom of adhd. however i cannot stress how difficult it is to think at supersonic speed and still feel incredibly stupid. i mean, thinking faster doesn’t inherently mean you will have better ideas, you can always be stupider faster, but being able to realize stupid mistakes or inconsistencies in your own thought process is annoying as hell. it feels like every time you try to recognize the issue, fix it, and move forward, you only end up not paying attention to another issue that gets bigger and more annoying than the first. Its always two steps forward, one step back, constantly making the same mistakes even though you try everything in your power to avoid them or grow as a person. The simplest of facts, ideas, or just things to remember end up being forgotten, and once youre reminded of them you remember them and feel like an idiot. however, arbitrary things and complex issues are much easier to digest and remember for me, things like history and the whole blame game charade of it all, biology and how every minuet thing has a greater impact on others and intertwines with every single factor of its environment, philosophy and theorizing why we think the way we do and what can be changed. but oh shit, im a dumbass i forgot to do my laundry. shit. god fuckin dammit.

empathy over sympathy

one of the basic themes of psychonauts is empathy. simple as that. raz goes around into other peoples brains, and tries to help them as much as he can, even if his efforts are not always successful in the way he intended. he never demonizes anyone to the point of unredeemability, and can empathize and understand other peoples perspectives. hes open to new ideas and

although some studies out there theorize that empathy is impaired due to adhd, from my perspective i feel like that is simply not true. if anything, i would say the sensitivity that comes with adhd (hypersensitivity) only enhances that empathy. i could definitely see social disconnection being one of the reasons it might appear that someone with adhd is less empathetic, however i would doubt that adhd would impair a persons empathy. adhd tends to also entail heightened emotions, this doesn’t necessarily mean a more outwardly emotional person, however it definitely shifts a persons perspective of their own emotions as well as others. the concept of hypersensitivity also completely contradicts the idea of people with adhd be less empathetic.

miscommunication and disconnect

sigh, the dad thing. yup. raz has that very iffy relationship with his dad at the beginning of the game which is eventually resolved. very abruptly, might i add. but thats not what this is about, thats a topic for another day. miscommunication seemed to be the root of the issue, however we only get razs side of the story. not to mention the severity of his claims and willingness to seemingly drop everything afterwards. kinda sus, ngl.

alright this ones a doosey. this, i feel, cements my theory pretty well. like i mentioned before, social disconnect and hypersensitivity are side effects of the symptoms of adhd. this means people with adhd are highly more likely to either misinterpret someones words or actions if those in question are not completely transparent, its because they tend to overthink and interpenetrate responses with too much thinkin n such. the social disconnect makes a whole lot of it worse, it can just pile on top of already established feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and oversharing as a poor coping mechanism isnt an exclusively adhd related thing, it tends to be shared within similar neruodevelopmental disorders such as autism or even ptsd. i find it incredibly easy to disconnect myself from my own emotions at times and think critically at what i feel and how it affects me. which is a bad thing. if i dont acknowledge my emotions like they are my own for too long, everything falls apart. its not fun. but, that disconnect can make talking about certain more traumatic experiences or instances that had deep personal effects on my life and development as a person much easier to just share. and not always in an appropriate manner, comedic opportunity can be v e r y enticing. this also explains why raz might have been able to drop everything about his dad after he apologized. he didn’t really, he probably still suffers just as much afterwards as he did before. but he probably wont realize that for awhile, since logically, the issue has been resolved. long story short, he has not had the time to cope, and to put that off he detaches himself from those feelings. w a c k

of course i have other reasons why i feel like raz could potentially have adhd, or at least be accurately represented in headcanon with adhd, some minor mentions being:

he uses his camp map as a journal to track his in-game progress, list of goals, and notes/snip-its of information. writing down information on some form of notepad or book is a common tool used by kids and even adults with adhd to help them keep track of minuet, individual tasks. its just using a planner, but with a bit more information.

just from my personal perspective, the lengths raz goes to pursue his dream of being a psychonaut feel more like a special interest/hyper fixation sort of thing. he can jump between having genuine conversations with his fellow campers and just exploring the campground, to investing himself entirely in obtaining his goal, even when it seems almost impossible. thats some serious dedication to one very specific thing, y’know?

this one isnt as solid as the other but: m̶̖̰̯̫̍͝o̵̦͖̟͈̹̤̥̝͐̿̄̀̀̎̓ņ̶̛̭̠̐̊̆̍͝ķ̸̝͈̺̙̰̊e̶͉͚̼̅̔͗̂͐̍̕͝͝y̶̦̖̼͖̪͎̝̖̠̐̑͋̾̔̑́͐͘ ̵̢̲̘͎͉̔̀͒̄͌͊̀͌̀m̴̲̫̮̪̖̍̐͆̕͜͝ͅả̶͙͚͗n̶̗̳̩̙̘̼̦̦͇͝ ̷̡̨̡͔̗͕̘͍̥̑͒̎̐̃g̴͔̔̈̅̐̏́̌̔̈́́o̶̥̱̽̆̂͌̀͗ ̶̝̩͙͕͛́s̴̛͓̥̲̜͓͚̣̠̆̓̌͌p̶̜̹̯̦̫̯̣̎͐̽̉̾ḙ̴͇̬͑̈́̐̈́͘͠ͅȅ̶̡̗̞̩͔̫̪͈͑̓͗d̵̠͇͎̜͔͇͒̈́́̀̅̈́̒͘y̸̡̦̠̻̖̥̿ͅ. yeah, its the most generalizing reason but look, hes moving nonstop the entire game, climbing and running around the entire goddamn place wrecking havoc. a bit of imp can be found in most people with adhd if you look hard enough.

so thanks for reading this far i guess? im oversharing even right now with this, like an i d i o t but yknow what i dont want to read the great gatsby rn, so ive got nothin better to do. who knows, maybe the second game will give us more info to either support/discredit this theory? gotta wait for pn2 i guess

:^)

#psychonauts #psychonauts 2 #theory #headcanon #razputin aquato #this is real biased #isnt it

35 notes · View notes

ayankun · 3 years

Text

Got a lot done today, rewarding self with hsmtmts S1 (who am I kidding, this was going to happen regardless) just starting ep 3, thoughts that contain S2 spoilers below

It's not as awkwardly zany as I feared! I think its mockumentary style is certainly more stylized than it's become, but the jokes still land. Even though some of said jokes are based on their characters' archetypes rather than the people they're going to grow into. What can you do, it's only been an hour of runtime, everything's gonna be different by hour 10.

Gosh the kids are so young! But they're all doing so so so well. I've also now seen an hour or two of cast interviews, and the age differences of the actors is pretty wild. Like I think Frankie is one of the older ones, but for the first time I paid attention and found out Carlos is supposed to be a sophomore like Gina (but now it makes more sense that he's only just turning 16 lolololol)

I'm feeling really bad for Ricky, remembering that his home life troubles are specifically what are causing him to react and over-react and generally be a drama-maker on behalf of the plot. Like on one hand, it's such an interesting choice to have your leading man be the anti-hero of his own story, 'cause he hecks up ALL the time and is sometimes hard to root for, but taking a step back to observe that this is a fiction and everything is designed with intent, Ricky's character isn't really a hero or villain, he's a personification of a message, which is that sometimes you gotta dig deep and identify the root of your problems first before you can start applying beneficial solutions. And you might just keep hecking up until you get there. The stuff with his mom in 2x09 is sosososososo important and a long time coming, the character's going to have to be a different person going forward because he's finally been able to address some of his issues that have been festering since 1x01.

Semi-related, I'll always show up for a good redemption arc. Ricky, the hero, is going to need one! Nini might even get one (1000% I don't believe she needs one, keep self-actualizing, queen!), but anyway the S1 antagonist trio of EJ, Gina, and Mr. Mazzara is so fun/frustrating to watch, knowing that in S2 they're literally all going to become not just protagonists but also my favorite ones.

ALSO seeing evil!Gina and villainous!EJ interact keeps giving me chills. Those poor kids have NO IDEA what they're in for!!!!!

Similarly, Matt Cornett has grown on me a lot. Even first time through, I thought he was the weakest of the cast (lol he's the oldest, he's ridiculously old for that baby face) and just now in One Billion Sorrys I was like, isn't EJ supposed to be leading man material? Why is his performance so bad for comedy reasons? Oh... it's less comedy reasons and more Matt Cornett doing his best? Also why is he so white-washed this season! The makeup they've caked on him makes him look sickly. ANYWAY he's really come a long way, and especially with the stuff they've been giving him in S2, his scenes where EJ's successfully engaging with Gina as a human being are sosososo effective and I'm looking forward to getting back to that point.

Clocking some callbacks S2 has made to S1, like Kourtney talking to Nini about how she's avoiding talking to Ricky about something important and then Ricky comes up, or Nini needing to keep her phone out of the hands of her insecure clingy boyfriends so they don't jealously delete things. EDIT: just finished S1 and there was another major parallel I noticed but since noticing I have somehow forgotten :<<<<< OH COULD IT HAVE BEEN 1x08 is where Ricky and Nini rekindle things and 2x08 is where they call it quits????? (also Ricky getting earth-shattering home & family news on holidays and having to bottle it up b/c someone's on his doorstep and he has to perform Emotional Stability) (found another one, Miss Jenn's "Trust the process" vs Dean Patel's "Trust the outcome.") (Miss Jenn giving Nini a voice and YAC literally taking it away)

I guess also Ricky's mom problem and Nini's decision to put her dreams first were the inciting incidents for these two characters' arcs -- like, the narrative's inciting incident is "I think I kinda you know," and it plays out in the spaces where the Ricky/Nini romance storyline provides conflict for the success-of-the-show storyline, and vice versa, but the CHARACTERS' STORIES are about the mom thing and the dream thing, and are actually the root of all the interpersonal drama.

Not sure that I have a point, it's more of a comment of appreciation.

Another good thing about S2 is that it opens up to include more stories for the supporting cast, kinda like how HSM2 does and makes Ryan your favorite character. So even in retrospect, in S1 my faves are Gina and Mazzara and Seb & Carlos and Ashlyn, and Nini and Ricky are just Also There.

Different thought: my singular major complaint when I watched this the first time was that the show (accidentally? Due to unyielding adherence to the conventions of the genre?) uniformly conflates personal success with romantic success. As in, you know you've finally achieved your dream when you are handed a SO as a trophy. The sole SOLE exception to this in S1 is Kourtney, and look how that's played out in S2. :/ especially since one of my favorite favorite things was Start of Something New recast as Nini's romance-free self-actualization ballad, I really thought that was a premise that would make an appearance s o m e w h e r e in the show. SO IM SO HAPPY THAT'S FINALLY PAID OFF FOR NINI. LIKE IN 2x09 WHERE RICKY'S DROWNING IN HIS UNSHED TEARS AND THEN IT CUTS TO NINI SCROLLING COMMENTS IN HER INSTAGRAM HOLY SHIT. There's a read where she's the bitch or whatever for not being as broken up as Ricky is, but gurrrrrrl this has been her true character aim since day one!!! Her story is not! About! RICKY!!!!!

(I wanted my ace!Taylor HC to magically transfer into Kourtney, whose canon feminist self-affirming character core might prevent her from getting roped into a romance storyline. Like I don't want to begrudge a character a romance plot if that's what the character wants, but GOSH wouldn't it have been cool if this rom-com genre could find room to accommodate aspec stories. ALSO where my trans teens at!!! Fingers crossed, S3.)

In conclusion, I identify with Mazzara what with his autism and his robots and his AV club and his green gingham button-up that I also have; I love love love his look of consternation with himself when he sends that email. 10/10. But also, if we were in high school, I'd have been a grade ahead of his actor sooooo guess that means I'm just a crusty old grandpa

(Started writing this going into ep 3, now I'm headed into ep 6 lololol. HOMECOMING SEBLOS AND DONT WANT NO SCRUBS KOURTNEY CASTLES IN THE SKY MY BELOVEDS)

#hsmtmts #aya's hyperfixated

3 notes · View notes

elliot-orion · 3 years

Note

1-5! :)

Pretty sure this was from the deep dive asks a while back., sorry for it taking so long! i just didn't have a project to work on, but I do now!! I’ll be answering for the White Lake (temp title) characters, Logan, Nellie, and Charlie. Thank you so much!

1. Who are two characters that don’t like each other? What do they reveal about each other to the readers? Will they ever learn to put aside their differences?

Logan and Nellie have a bunch of tension at first, honestly. Logan is stubborn, but Nellie is more so, and both want opposite things. They also have a weird initial dynamic of “we were like... friend adjacent in high school, haven't talked to each other since, so we feel like we know the other but we’ve really barely exchanged a few words outside of class projects.” They were both the school weirdos and stuck together out of necessity, not real friendship, even tho both consider the other a friend even tho they really aren’t, so it leads to a lot of ‘i think you are this way but you arent behaving this way, why the hell wont you behave this way??” bc of the other like... placing what they want the other to be like onto them. if that makes even a lick of sense. I guess it all reveals what they want in a friend to the reader, bc they assume the other to be their Ideal Friend since they have nothing to confirm nor deny that. But its more of a ‘what you want versus what you need’ thing. Nellie wants someone who will listen to her and let her protect them without asking questions bc not listening and asking too many questions that nell couldn't answer got her one actual friend killed. Logan wants someone who just accepts his weirdness and doesn't try to push him. But Nell is pushy when she thinks she’s right (and tbh she usually is), and Logan is curious, and its a mess at first. They do put aside their differences tho. Nell is determined as hell and she realized at some point that she needs to work with Logan to keep him safe, and Logan learns that he needs to teach Nell how to accommodate his autism (that he doesn't know is autism because his parents suck) because she has no idea and just thinks he’s being difficult and has to meet her halfway too. Its messy but they work it out and become way way better friends because of it.

2. What do you hope readers will take away from your WIP? Is there an intentional theme (or themes) to the story?

I mean there’s not an intentional theme to it. I definitely want people to be unsettled and a little freaked out, I am intending it to be like... romantic era horror level horror book, if that makes sense. more atmospheric and eerie then ‘im actually going scream I'm so afraid’ horror. But also themes of friendship maybe? idk I haven't decided if there will be romance yet but definitely friendship and found family stuff.

3. What do you love most about your protagonist? (It can be something you’d admire in them if they were real, or something interesting about them as a character.)

Oh jeez. I love how determined Nell is to protect Logan. She doesn't always do it right, because misunderstandings and her idea of safe is different than his idea of happy and she needs to learn that he might be safer with her way but he’d be miserable. She just loves her people so much and she’s determined not to fail again, but its all coming from a place of deep love and I really admire how much she’s willing to put into keeping her family together. For Logan I admire how strong he is honestly. He lives in a really conservative, ableist town with parents who think he's just being difficult when its not his fault he's neurodivergent, but he knows who he is and what he needs and even when Nell is trying to push her beliefs about him onto him he stands strong in who he is. He knows he’s not wrong. He’s just lonely because no one else knows that. Its really admirable in my opinion (maybe because I've never been able to do that with my neurodivergencies and I'm definitely projecting but whateverrrrrrr). He’s also a really good friend, he’s just not given many chances to be that. As for Charlie I just love how happy they are. They try so hard to get Nell and Logan to get along, and they are always smiling even when they are the one who has the most reasons to be miserable (considering they did you know. die horrifically and are now trapped by an eldrich lake)They are always pushing themself to make others happy, even at their own expense, and while its not a trait I admire, it is one that I love in characters because I just love the hurt comfort when they break :3 also they are just fun as hell and I love my little extrovert cinnamon roll (who is way more devious than they seem but thats what happens when you basically grow up and then spend about 130 years with a ghost circus)

4. Is there anything in the story that is implied, but not directly stated? Will this become more relevant later on? How perceptive would a reader have to be to pick up on this?

A lot of the lake stuff is implied at first, and there's a big misdirect, but it gets cleared up after just a bit so I don't think it counts. Um... idk ok I haven't even written draft one yet so idk what will be implied vs told I'm a pantser I've got about 6 plot point checkpoints and a vague idea of progression here most of this is being bs-ed. Im not even sure yet if I'm making Logan a trans guy or if there will be romance or anyone’s sexualities besides Nellie (who is v much a lesbian) I’ll get back to you on this. Although wait actually - Logan never gets his autism diagnosed, I know that, so that is implied but it's like. heavily implied so you won't have to be super perceptive to figure it out. I’m not doing any -coded stuff, he is, he just lives in a shitty town with no therapists for anyone to talk to. kinda hard to go to a therapist not from town and go ‘yea my best friends are ghosts, my town is actively trying to kill me, sorry im late the road disappeared how are you today?’ you feel? no one in this town gets any goddamn therapy. But its not explicit no.

5. Which character has the most intricate backstory? Is this backstory common knowledge from the start, or is it revealed later on? How does this backstory affect the narrative?

Oh man uh... I guess Charlie has the most intricate backstory? definitely, the longest since they did die in the 1890s. In a fire. While they were trapped in a tiny ass box. in the middle of said fire. and burned alive. .... What i said it was horror didn't i?? Charlie has some SERIOUS claustrophobia my guys. It’s common knowledge to the circus folks how Charlie died, they sorta agree its the worst of them all. Everyone died from the fire but only Charlie was trapped in such a small space unable to get out. They are the contortionist of the circus, it was a combo act with the magician who locked them in this way-too-small box and was going to make them disappear when the fire started and he ran off to help people and forgot them in the box. He’s super apologetic and Charlie only sorta still blames him. Logan and Nellie know that Charlie died in the fire but they don't find out until later exactly how. Idk how much it affects the narrative yet, but it does affect how Charlie interacts with the other circus performers since they tend to be mother hen-y around them, tho that also has to do with, again, charlie basically being raised by the whole crew. they ran away at like 11-12 or so to join, so yea, especially the people who have been there forever tend to view them as their kid in a way. It takes a village after all. But whether it affects the whole story, idk, again haven't started it yet.

thanks again for the asks, and im sorry it took so long!

#white lake #asks #charlie #logan #nellie

2 notes · View notes

swampgallows · 3 years

Text

twitter and tumblr et al are all so self-congratulatory for ‘having conversations’ about mental illness and neurodiversity and trauma but it all seems like it’s only for the sake of self-diagnosis instead of recovery. which like obviously im not the first person to bring up the anti-recovery mindset on social media (and i sure better not be the last) but like im not really fuckin interested in how many of my eight billion idiosyncrasies are actually ‘symptoms’ of ptsd or anxiety or adhd or whatever the fuck. i wanna know what you expect people to fuckin do about it. what’s the step AFTER diagnosis? just being able to reblog/retweet Posts and go “OMG this is SO me”???? a diagnosis is not just an answer, but meant to be a new step. ‘i have this, so now how to do i manage it?’

i recently watched a lecture from a pediatrician about how severe the overlap is between ptsd symptoms and adhd symptoms, how the two are comorbid, how they are exacerbated and/or misdiagnosed in children of color, and how, ultimately, the two can be so similar in their behavioral symptoms to the point of being indistinguishable. which is why dr. brown later suggests that it is more important than ever to begin screening for trauma in childhood, as well as screening for adhd more for girls and children of color. why? because the root cause affects the treatment. e.g. hyperactivity due to trauma (hypervigilance) is not physically manifested in the same way as with autism or adhd even though behaviorally it is quite similar. therefore medication administered to patients for hyperactivity from adhd can have a drastically negative affect on patients with ptsd, even though they are meant to treat the same issue. it is in treatment that diagnosis matters most, not just the merit of diagnosis in and of itself.

a diagnosis itself is not a treatment. getting a diagnosis (or self-dxing) just to make zero alterations to your life or behavior and instead rest on the laurels of “having an answer” (or excuse!) is not treatment. it is your first step to treatment. this is also why diagnoses can change or sometimes, as our understanding of treatment and science and psychology grows and develops, they can be eliminated entirely (see: all subsets of schizophrenia pre-DSM5, “ADD”, etc.).

mostly im just fuckin mad seeing these posts over and over or hearing from my peers about trauma but nobody can seem to tell me a single fucking thing i can do about it, including my therapist (who offered oh-so-helpful suggestions like “picture yourself as someone doing something other than what youre doing right now, just believe it's possible” [direct from my therapy notes]). if i hadnt done my own research to discover treatments like EMDR or even fringe controversial experimental shit like mdma and ketamine therapy and had to rely on social networks and shit therapists, id be stuck in a goddamn loop of meditation and yoga and pity party posting online. it’s just so fucking frustrating that this information is so hard to find and that trying to recover, even among peers who are also suffering from the same thing, feels like a solitary burden. it is very annoying when people say ‘you’re not alone’, but they only mean in diagnosis and not in recovery.

i keep trying to tell my therapists that i am done discovering “why” i have trauma. i understand acutely that i have it, and i want to know how to move on and grow from it. but all they keep telling me over and over is to just sit with my feelings, or imagine myself being different than how i am now, offering no tangible way for me to bridge that gap. things like red flags for avoiding the trappings of abusive relationships, or recognizing ‘green flags’ for healthy relationships, or figuring out how to establish proper emotional boundaries (and why boundaries are necessary, and that having boundaries is not selfish or greedy) are all things i learned on my own from my own research. i have had to be my own advocate through everything and it is FUCKING EXHAUSTING. throughout three different therapists i have taught them more about what i am going through than they taught me. and so it becomes very hard to trust in these people when they still believe shit studies from 20 years ago like “ecstasy puts holes in your brain and you can become permanently psychotic after doing it JUST ONCE!!111″ i know humans arent perfect but jesus fucking christ.

#blathering

5 notes · View notes

bbygirldahyun · 4 years

Note

sorry i keep talking about this i don’t think anyone else would understand these thoughts but kids need more education on neurodiversity and mental disorders bc so many people have them. i honestly can’t blame kids for using the r slur or making fun of things they don’t understand. if their parents and educators aren’t teaching them these things it isn’t their fault. some don’t even know the meaning and history behind the r slur they just hear their friends using it as “dumb” and go with it. /1

if that last anon had known what stims and autism was it could’ve been different but im glad she understands now. but then again people just love being ableist, freshman year my teacher taught us about the doctor who faked the studies on vaccines causing autism and showed us protesters holding signs that said “vaccines gave my kid autism” and so on. she asked us after the lesson how many of us would not vaccinate our kids and so many people raised their hands. /2 she was so shocked like she just taught us it was fake and they still didn’t get it. i was the only one who said something about the studies being unreliable. it’s traumatizing knowing peoples are against u no matter how much education they get. a large number of nurses are even anti vaccine. they would rather have a dead kid than an autistic one. so many neurotypical people want to find a cure because they’re ashamed of us. /3 but if they’d talk to us they would know we don’t want one. it makes us who we are, our entire brain and movements and experiences are shaped by autism. imagine how different u and i would be if we got “cured.” we’d be way different people but of course that’s what they want. /4 there’s little to no research on autism, all people talk about when they bring it up is the cure. i’d like to know things about us like why we’re more likely to have joint problems, gastrointestinal problems, sleep disorders. i want to know how men and women present it differently, what the cause is. but i don’t think we’ll ever get that. (sorry this is so depressing thank u for listening😆) -🦦 /5

no don’t apologize at all! i love talking about this kind of stuff with people who understand, it’s so hard to talk about it with neurotypical people sometimes. there is so much misinformation about autism and what it actually is which is what leads to all of the confusion and misunderstanding and eventual ableism. people think autism is a disease or a mental illness, which it isn’t. it’s a developmental disability, we can’t be cured, most of don’t WANT to be cured. this is who we are. if we got “cured” we wouldn’t even be ourselves anymore.

i have a really good friend whose mom is anti vaccine because she thinks they cause autism and my friend doesn’t have any of her vaccines. everytime i go over to this friends house i’m always so uncomfortable and so baffled by how her mom, who is a healthcare professional, buys into a study that has been debunked multiple times and one of the doctors who did it lost their medical license i believe.

since i’m studying to be a teacher, i have to take courses on how to teach kids with disabilities, which i was actually super excited for, until i met my professor. he is one of the most outwardly ableist people i’ve ever met, i feel so bad for any disabled child he’s ever worked with. he talked to us like it was impossible any of us could actually be disabled, he said that autistic people are “manipulative and egocentric”, and when talking about possible causes of autism he listed vaccines and gluten genuinely as possible causes. he also acknowledged that saying the r word is wrong and then continued to say it multiple times. i was mind blown. i couldn’t even speak to this man without my blood boiling. i still am appalled someone who works daily with disabled children could be so ableist, and that he was so positive nobody in our class was autistic he felt like he could say those things. i was so angry i cried sometimes after class.

you’re entirely right though, some people just love being ableist. some people are insistent on being ignorant. i think i mentioned my friend growing up who is also autistic, he has higher support needs and his mom is one those moms who totes him around to get like brownie points for being a decent parent or something. he’s a great person, like he is incredible and an awesome friend and we had so much fun together as kids. but she treats him like this huge burden and loves to play the “autism mommy” card for sympathy like, just stop. you have an amazing kid. go appreciate that.

don’t even get me started on autism speaks. oh boy, i could go for hours. the fact some people out there still don’t know autism speaks is essentially a hate group baffles me. they have no autistic people on their board, they actively advocate for things most of us autistic people are against (i.e. a cure, person first language, etc). the whole puzzle piece mentality too, it’s so gross to me. i don’t have a piece missing, i’m a whole person who just happens to think and act a little differently. i much prefer the rainbow infinity symbol and the red instead movement. because it was coined by autistic people.

i especially hate that so much of research done about us is without us. i would love to know more about the nuances of autism, i’m always trying to research more but sadly most of the information online you have to be incredibly careful what you believe because so many people, even healthcare professionals, spread misinformation. one of the places that actually best helped me understand my autism more was the actuallyautistic tag on here, and i follow some autistic info twitters run by autistic people who discuss our issues.

thank you again so much for talking to me about all this and for sparking this discussion, it’s so nice to get to chat with people who understand about these kind of things! i wish you best, have a good day/night 🥺🧡

#ask #🦦anon

14 notes · View notes

shhhhyoursister · 4 years

Text

uh hi so i wrote that first autistic matteo thing and it felt really good and i want to write more so im gonna write this one thats less sweet and is also maybe me just?? completely projecting??? but thats not new!!!!!

***

Matteo flipped through the shirts and sweaters hanging in his closet, and he frowned, and stared flicking his fingers on the hand that had been resting calmly at his side. He started looking through them again, the other way, wondering if he had missed the sweater he was looking for. Once he had gone through them again, and then again, and he realized that the sweater he wanted definitely wasn’t there, his frown deepened, and he started bouncing on his toes a little.

“What time were we supposed to be leaving again?” David said from the bed, where he was lazily scrolling on his phone, already dressed, and Matteo couldn’t focus enough to remember, so he stayed silent.

They were going to hang out with Jonas and Hanna, and Matteo knew that they were probably running late, but he was still standing in front of his closet, bouncing, his fingers twitching at his sides, completely dressed except for his bare torso.

He went over to his hamper and started searching through it, trying to remember the last time he had worn his cream-colored sweater with the red pattern. It had to have been recently, as it was one of specific clothing items that Matteo wore often, usually for multiple days in a row. Once he had dug through, and still couldn’t find it, he felt his stomach clench with a familiar feeling.

Some days, Matteo didn’t give a fuck what he wore. He would grab random shit out of his drawers and closet and end up with an outfit that barely matched, but he didn’t care as long as he was clothed. David would usually fondly tease him for the interesting combinations of patterns and fabrics that Matteo would manage to pull on.

And then there were the days where he wanted to wear specific things. Needed to. Like, actually, legitimately needed to. His gray sweatpants, his weird purple jacket, his blue sweatshirt, and lots more, even including some things that he had stolen from David (he hadn’t stolen it, David was more than happy to give up a sweater and a couple of shirts in exchange for a few of Matteo’s). And, his cream-colored sweater with the red pattern, the one he was looking for, and couldn’t find.

“Matteo?” he heard David say as he moved on to dig through a drawer in his dresser, rocking a little as he frantically pushed aside a bunch of shirts and sweatshirts and other things that weren't his sweater. Again, he didn’t answer.

His hands started twitching as his sides as his eyes flit around the room, trying to think if there was anywhere else it could be, and he got an idea. Without saying anything he left the room, ignoring David calling his name, and started searching through the rest of the flat. He couldn’t find it in the kitchen, and by the time he had moved onto the next room David had followed him.

“Matteo, what’s going on? We need to go soon.” He looked annoyed, in a way that David almost never did, and Matteo bit his lip as he felt a wave of shame and panic wash down his spine.

“Have you seen that sweater i have with the red...whatever on it?” He was too focused on looking around the room to explain more, and he hoped David knew what he meant.

“I don’t know? I think you wore it a few days ago, I don’t remember. Can you get dressed so we can leave?”

Matteo stopped for a second to look over at David, who was standing with his arms crossed over his chest, and a smile on his face that seemed a little forced.

He knew that David had been going a little stir crazy being stuck in the flat with a Matteo who was coming down from an intense sensory overload that had happened a few days prior, but no matter how many times Matteo told him that he was okay to be alone for a little while, David refused to leave. It was the third day, and David had been showing obvious signs of restlessness.

“I want to wear it.” Matteo said back, hoping that David would understand. He was feeling a weird embarrassment that he only felt around David when he was doing something like this, something that was annoying and inconvenient because of his autism. He started flicking his fingers again, his nails digging in a little more, when David frowned.

“I don’t want to be late, Matteo, can you wear something else?“

Matteo froze. He knew that David knew that he preferred wearing certain items, that it made him feel good and calm, and could probably even name the clothes that Matteo wore the most. But he didn’t understand the feeling that was twisting Matteo’s insides up and made him grab onto his arm, and start scratching his nails under the sleeve at even just the suggestion of wearing something else.

“I- I,” Matteo stuttered for a moment, not able to get the words out through the mixture of shame and anxiety and whatever that other thing was that was filling him up, and he slid his hands into his own hair and started tugging a little as he finally got out, “No. I can’t.”

He was kind of hoping that he looked desperate enough, and was sure that he did, with the way that he was grabbing his own hair and bouncing on his toes, and he had no idea what expression was on his face but it was enough to make the annoyed look on David’s face turn into his concerned one, and Matteo made a small sound out of relief.

“Okay, hey, that’s okay,” David said, as he took a few steps closer, leaving about a foot of space between him and Matteo as he reached his hand out and asked, “can I touch you?”

Matteo nodded his head jerkily, and David smiled before stepping forward and loosening Matteo’s grip, and let Matteo squeeze his hands instead. Matteo took another step forward and dropped his head to David’s shoulder, and took in a deep, shaky breath,

“Do you want me to help you look? I can text Jonas and say that we’re going to be a little late.” David said,and when Matteo moved his arms to squeeze around his waist, he started stroking his hand down Matteo’s back, pressing a little harder then he might have usually, but the pressure felt amazing and even slightly helped loosen the feeling in his gut.

Matteo nodded, and pulled away so he could grab David’s hand to lead him to his room. He started looking through his closet again, searching through the stuff on the floor, while David texted Jonas and started looking through his dresser. They searched silently for a few minutes, Matteo feeling less of the shame but still all of the thing that made him want to call Jonas and cancel their plans so he didn’t have to think about the possibility of having to wear something else.

“Found it!” he heard David call from the dresser, and he whipped around, a grin growing on his face as David held the sweater up with a grin of his own. He walked over and slid it on over his head, and hummed as he pushed his arms in, and then let the sleeves flop over his hands so he could rub the fabric on his face.

“Feel better?” David said, sliding his hands onto Matteo’s hips and pulling him a little closer. Matteo took a few steps and collapsed onto David, and smiled when he heard him chuckle.

“Yeah, way better,” Matteo sighed into David’s shoulder, and then turned his head a little and bit his lip before saying, “I’m sorry I made us late.”

“No, don’t apologize, I should be the one apologizing,” David said, pulling away a little so he could look Matteo in the eyes (who tried to return the gaze, he really did, but ended up looking at David’s nose after a second), “I was being a dick, i didn’t realize that it was something you needed. I’m just glad we found it.”

“You found it,” Matteo said, pulling David in again, getting a hand in his hair, “and you weren’t being a dick.”

They hugged for a moment, Matteo feeling almost overwhelmed but in a good way with the feeling of David squeezing him tight, finally wearing the sweater, his fingers sliding through David’s hair, and he was even a little more excited to hang out with their friends.

David only pulled away when his phone buzzed, and Matteo whined before grabbing onto the back of his shirt and clenching his hand in the fabric, and followed when David didn’t stop. He wasn’t ready to give up the feel of David pressed against him so he draped himself on David’s back, his arms winding around his waist and squeezing a little.

“Oh, shit,” David said, and laughed a little, before dropping his head back onto Matteo’s shoulder and saying, “they just cancelled on us.”

“Oh no,” Matteo said, in an exaggerated sarcastic tone, “I guess that means we need to stay here and cuddle.”

David snorted as Matteo pulled away to tug him onto the bed, and pushed David onto his back so he could curl up on his chest. He rubbed his cheek against the fabric of David’s shirt and smiled when he heard just as sarcastically from above him, “Oh no, how terrible!”

“It really is,” Matteo said, feeling more relaxed and content than he had in days, that feeling growing as David slid his arms around Matteo’s waist and held him tight, “truly the greatest tragedy of the decade.”

#davenzi fic #davenzi fanfic #druck fic #druck fanfic #davenzi #matteo florenzi #david schreibner #matteo x david #autistic matteo #noggins #haha catch me almost having a meltdown over not fiinding something earlier #i wish i had a boyfriend like david damn #at least i had harri to whine at thanks harri youre the real mvp

108 notes · View notes

of-faunsandyellowflowers · 4 years

Text

Personal post...again

Tw: rape, eating disorder

And I'm sorry this is long but I need to get this out.

I think the biggest thing that hurts me with my mother is the fact she disregards what I tell her as exaggeration, or that I do it for attention.

It goes back to my teen years.

Middle school was awful for me. Honestly, all school was. Growing up autistic but not knowing you're autistic is....hard. it's even harder when you've got a shit load of trauma and other issues to deal with to.

When my mom found out I cut myself, instead of trying to understand why I did it, she lectured me on how she coulsnt understand why I did that because shes never felt that way. Now, I'm not saying she couldnt be upset by it....but it wasnt somethibg I was proud of. And when she told me I must be doing it for attention, I knew I probably wasnt going to be able to tell her about the things that happen in my life that are hard kater on...even though I really needed someone. It's not like she wasnt EVER there, but the really really big things....it wasnt talked about. And when it wasnt talked about, it wasnt believed.

The time I told her I was raped, barely 15, and then a few years later finding out she didnt believe me. Her reasoning? Because right after we went to dinner i was 'happy'. And that the years after I was 'sexual' with guys. Because people who are raped are supposed to be sex repulsed and numb.

I was incredibly numb. However, I've learned how to mask. Much like I've learned how to mask my autism.

Instead of taking the time to ask my counselor what coping looks like for trauma, she assumed that it wasnt that bad and determined I just wanted it and that the guy never called me back. She assumed rhat since I said I didnt want dad to know, that I didnt want anyone to know....that it must not have happened because you 'tell' a parent these things.

She only figured out I wasnt lying after having a heart to heart with my aunt and my aunt chewing out my mother for not doing more.

Then got mad I never wanted to go to the cops.

I still, dont think I would have wanted to go to the cops.

The emo kid (me) vs the star mormon football player? In a very mormon town with mormon cops? Yeah. I dont think they would have believed me.

And look, I understand that it's hard for a parent to hear that, but the lack of support I received due to my mom always deflecting it to 'it cant possibly be that bad' on top of me not even knowing I was autistic so it was incredibly hard for me to express things.....I'd say that the person going through trauma, twice in the same 15th year...is worse. And the years to come with me battling my own turmoil, keeping things in, her butting into my life to 'help' in ways that didnt help. It was based on what she believed was correct, and not what I felt I wanted in order to express myself.

Years following I developed an eating disorder which caused me to binge large amounts of junk food, hate myself after, and starve myself. I still struggle with it, but now I just dont really eat.

Instead of asking WHY I did this to myself, I got shouted at, scolded and accused of stealing money, or using hers to get things.. Instead of understanding I had an eating disorder, it was determined by my own mother that I probably was just a liar and manipulator.

The money stealing is funny too, because I hid my tattoos from her for that very reason. By that I mean, the accusation that I stole money for it when I actually saved up to get them.

I deflected whenever someone would ask me about my eating habits and would say I wasnt doing that because 1. I was terribly ashamed of the fact I was binge eating. 2. The sheer mention reminded me of my trauma and the lack of support I had in that. 3. Because if I talked about it, I remembered why I did it, and that wasn't something I wanted to talk about at all

I became incredibly hypersexual after my trauma as well. The reasonings for this are complex, but the main two being that I didnt understand the context of how to get someone to like me, beyond sex. It was basically a way for me to control the situation I didnt have control of before. Much like...trying to redo losing my virginity by just saying yes. Becayse if you say yes, it cant possibly be rape right? On top of still not understanding social things as well.

Not all people who experience this form of trauma are sex repulsed.

And like my now therapist said, me being happy right after was a way my brain coped. When something like that happens, your brain tries the best it can to cope. And that's how I coped. By faking. Which I was already good at with my masking.

Then, I got mono. This turned into a chronic thing. I already had all this mental stuff to deal with. This turned into chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia. My immune system is shit. I do not rest. No support on that. The years to follow have been me figuring out what the hell's wrong with me, and my mom being wishy washy on what's real and what's not because 'if you really had that then the first doctor we went to would know'...without realizing that for many people it takes years to get diagnosed with things.

To this day, it's the same.

My mom brought up my trauma yesterday. I told her that there was more than just 2, but I wasnt going to talk about it because I didnt feel comfortable. She reiterated that I couldnt be mad at her for not believing me at 15 because 'it was hard for me to hear that abd you were happy and very promiscuous after and manipulated my emotions a lot'.

I think I have every right to be upset when someone doesnt believe me at 15 that I was raped. I think I have every right to be upset at the sheer accusation that I would LIE about a traumatic experience....that my way of coping god forbid be different than your own standards.

Beyond that though, I'm just tired.

I'm so tired of the constant wishy washyness. The constant arguments we have because she wants to make everything about her, and while I love my mother, its incredibly invalidating to state that I'm chronically ill and to be told 'you're only 26, I'm 63, get over it', then the next day be understanding. Theres so much I could get into with all this but the AMOUNT is overwhelming.

Hell, for a solid month I didnt talk to her because she stated the reason I came out as non binary was for attention. And she sidnt get why I wouldnt talk to her.

Can you just pick a fucking side? I need you to just support me instead of throwing things like 'well I have a hard time believing you because you manipulated me as a teen' when I never did that.

Theres so much I could go into. I'm just tired. The constant wishy washy, the constant blame on me and then to turn it into 'oh then it's all my fault' when I never said that.

Just fucking accept that my life isnt going to be how you pictured it. And I'm sorry that im not an easy person to understand, but it just feels like you never tried. It was always let's do it my way, and when I finally sidnt want to do that, I get punished

Im tired. I just want it to end.

And no, I cannot move out. I have no where to go. I have no money. I cannot work as much as I'd need to get enough for my own place.

The best I can do is to try to cope with the constant invalidation. Cling onto the good times. My mom isnt a bad person, and I dont think she really UNDERSTANDS how much shit affects me. I just wish shed put aside her own emotions and face reality.

#personal #rape mention #eating disorder #autism

7 notes · View notes

alwaysahiccupandastrid · 5 years

Text

I just got home from the HTTYD trilogy marathon at the cinema and I started sobbing again, and I really need to talk about it. Im sorry if I’m bumming anyone out but it’s not necessarily a negative thing, I just need to talk and for someone to maybe just humor me and my emotional day.

There’s nothing triggering in this post, but putting it under a read-more just to be safe, and so I don’t bother anyone.

I’ve mentioned before that I didn’t get into HTTYD until very recently - February of this year, actually. So I’m aware that my emotions/feelings surrounding the Dragons franchise are nowhere near as valid or whatever as those who have been fans for years, essentially growing up with it. I know I sound like I’m being overdramatic but I’m really not.

I didn’t see the first or second movies in the cinema - I only ever got to see the third. It was because the third movie was out that I even watched the first two, actually. For months, I’ve felt regret over the fact that I would never get to experience the first two movies in the cinema, and I managed to come to terms with that.

But today I did because an independent cinema was showing the whole trilogy as a marathon. Until a week ago, I had no idea it was happening - it was only by chance that I was on their website looking to see if they were doing another Potter all-nighter-marathon that I saw it.

Seeing the first two movies on the big screen, followed by the third...it’s been a long afternoon. There was perhaps five minutes between each film to get food/drink and go to the bathroom (and that’s including the end of the credits). It wasn’t particularly comfortable because it was in the downstairs screen, which for some reason has the seats sloping down and then up again, so I was doing a bit of musical chairs before the marathon started to try and find a seat where I could see properly and not have my view blocked by someone in front. When you’re sat in the same seat for five and a half hours, you get very sore and uncomfortable.

But it was worth it. Oh so worth it.

I managed to get right to the end of the third movie with minimal tears, despite being aware that people around me were openly crying. It was only when the credits started to roll, “Together From Afar”, that it fully hit me - and then I started to sob. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. There’s so many feelings and emotions and thoughts that I feel overwhelmed, and I feel stupid and silly because I’m a 21 year old woman crying over a trilogy about dragons, but I can’t help it. I didn’t even cry this hard over Fantastic Beasts - there, I said it.

I feel regret for not watching the movies sooner, not watching the first film when it came out and I would have been the right-ish age. I feel upset and emotional because I’m never going to have this experience of watching the three movies again - I’ve requested already that the PCC do the marathon again in the future on their request board, but who knows if they will. I can only request and hope. I feel embarrassment for being a fully grown adult and so obsessive, so dependent, on these films but I can’t help it. These movies have made me so happy that I’ve stopped self-harming for good now (there was one incident a while back but it’s in the past), that I’ve wanted to keep living. I feel regret that my late grandmother never got to watch these movies, at least not with me. I think she would have at least liked them. She’d have understood.

I’m really scared that the HTTYD fandom is going to die out now that the last movie is released - that I’ll be the only one obsessing and loving it.

It’s not all bad; I feel thankful that I got to see these movies in the cinema today as a marathon. I feel happy that I have my collection of dragons and other merchandise. I’m happy that these movies exist at all, that in all the time in the world that I could exist in, I exist in a time where these movies exist too.

I feel very grateful for the cast and crew behind these movies. For Cressida Cowell, for Dean DeBlois, Chris Sanders, Bonnie Arnold, Gerard Butler, Craig Ferguson, Kristen Wiig, TJ Miller, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Kit Harrington, Cate Blanchett, Jonah Hill, for Dreamworks in general. Most especially I feel grateful for America Ferrera - and for Jay Baruchel most of all. God damn it, I’m tearing up again just thinking about how he is well and truly Hiccup, how the character would be different without him, how he’s managed to carry these films and the TV shows as the lead even when he’s had a shit time in his personal life, even when he’s overworked and exhausted. I think about how much he loves the character, just as much - if not more so - then we do, and how he’s always seemed to be so grateful and supportive of the fans.

I feel so much right now that it’s unbearable.

Even though I’m 21, in a sense I feel like I am still growing up. Inside, I feel like I’m far younger than I am sometimes - maybe it’s something that’s happened as a consequence of years of mental health problems, maybe it’s something else, but I feel like while I know I’m 21 and accept that, inside I feel like I haven’t matured beyond a much younger age. Weirdly, I look at 15 year old Hiccup and see myself in him; I look at 21 year old Hiccup too, and I see myself in him. Same goes for Astrid, it feels like I’m still growing and that I’ve grown with them even though I haven’t. I know that makes no sense but that’s how I’m feeling.

Maybe I’m still sobbing because I’m tired - it’s a long way to Leicester Square and back, plus watching the movies - maybe it’s just because I feel lost and distraught. I’ve been looking so forward to this trilogy marathon, and now it’s over...I don’t know what to do. Wait and see if it happens again? Ignore it and go back to being an adult?

I don’t know. I feel like I need to talk to someone who won’t judge how I feel, someone who loves Dragons just as much as I do, someone who can understand what I’m going through maybe. Maybe I just need to try counselling again (which I don’t really want to since all my counselors have been terrible, the last one ended up screaming at me so...), maybe I just need to wait until I get a call from the Aspergers people to see if they’ll diagnose me with it or autism (the waiting list is ridiculously long)

I don’t know, guys. Replies/DMs would be very kind, but I don’t want to force people. Just some thoughts.

#httyd #how to train your dragon #httyd 2 #httyd 3 #how to train your dragon 2 #how to train your dragon 3 #toothless #hiccup horrendous haddock iii #astrid hofferson #hiccup haddock #hiccstrid #dreamworks

46 notes · View notes

roggling · 6 years

Note

if you are still taking fic suggestions, what about Griffinsdottir during pregnancy? ive seen depictions of autistic people but i dont think ive seen one of an autistic mother which is why im sending this ask

I am so late with this… it’s just shameful… Welp, better late than never, huh? Read below the cut!

Ina sat cross-legged on her bed with a laptop on her legs, her eyes eating up every word on the webpage. Her fingers are playing with the ring on her finger as she reads all she can on how pregnancy works and what exactly is going on in her body.

According to most of the articles she has read, she wasn’t supposed to be feeling the child inside her kicking so much at this point in pregnancy yet. She feels everything and it was freaking her out. Is her baby abnormal? Is she abnormal? She knows she has autism; she was diagnosed when she was just a kid and it was something she considered before taking this step with James.

However, she wasn’t taking into account how it would affect her. It freaked her out when she started feeling the bumps at 13 weeks and she immediately grabbed her laptop to do some research. Sadly, there wasn’t much for her to read. All the articles were on how to prevent autism instead of articles that guide autistic mothers through their pregnancy.

It was only until she stumbled upon an article written by an autistic mother that she finally felt at ease. The mother spoke of the very same symptoms she was feeling. Her senses seemed to act stronger than ever and they seemed to overwhelm her with different scents all at once. Her touch senses seemed to be exaggerated and the little bumps of the little one in her belly seemed to be growing and growing over time.

As she was finishing the article, twirling the silver band on her ring finger as she did so, she hears the door to their dorm open and she hears the light crackles of plastic bags before she hears the clang of plastics and metal hitting the counter of their kitchen. She then hears the familiar voice of her husband call out to her, “Leif? Babe, you awake yet?”

Ina closes the screen of her laptop and swings her feet off the side of the bed to make her way to the kitchen. She pads into the kitchen and sees James putting away the groceries. Ina sneaks up behind James and wraps her arms around her abdomen, trapping him in a hug as he reaches to put away a box of cereal into the cupboard.

At the feel of her arms wrapping around him, James chuckles and closes the cupboard. He turns around to face Ina and dips down to kiss her forehead and then moves lower to kiss her lips softly.

Ina smiles and lets go of him to let him finish putting the rest of the groceries away. “Why didn’t you wake me?” She asked, sitting down on the barstool on the island of the kitchen and she leaned on her elbows.

“You looked so peaceful sleeping. Also, you probably fell asleep late, right? Your pregnancy book was open in your hands while you were sleeping on me,” James answered, his back turned towards her, but his smiled evident in his voice.

“You’re not wrong,” Ina responded.

The two fell in a comfortable silence as James finished putting the groceries away, showing her a few of her favorite snacks that he bought for her and some of her sudden cravings.

“You know, I bumped into Keith and Allura with Lukeia in the grocery store? That little girl inherited Allura’s face, but she sure inherited her attitude from her father.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Ina responded, her voice slightly amused as she watched her husband’s offended expression deepen as he remembered the encounter with the first offspring of their class.

“She was rude and mean. I said hi and she refused to look at me! She’s just like him!” James complained as he put away the eggs. Ina shook her head affectionately at her husband’s ridiculousness.

When he was done, James approached his wife, standing in between her legs and wrapping her up in his arms. He gave her another kiss on her forehead and asked, “What’s wrong, Leif?”

Ina laid her head down on his shoulder and mumbled, “I can feel them moving.”

James pulled away slightly and his eyes lit up in excitement, “Wait, really?! Already?”

Ina nodded, “But I’m only supposed to start feeling it when I’m about 16 weeks into the pregnancy.”

James furrowed his brows, “Then why are you feeling it at 13 weeks?”

“It’s because of my autism. My sensory issues just allowed me to feel the baby earlier on than usual,” Ina explained.

James pondered for a bit before smiling. Ina rose a confused brow, “Why are you smiling like that?”

“Oh,” James began, “Just that I have a super sensing wife who can feel even the tiniest movements of our child.”

In furrowed her brows, “I don’t understand.”

James chuckled and kissed her forehead, “Just that you have an awesome super power.”

Ina blinked, “The ability to sense a baby inside my womb is-“

“-Is an awesome super power. Now you can watch over our baby even while it isn’t born yet,” James interrupted.

Ina stood frozen as her doting husband cuddled into her, his hand laying atop her growing baby bump.

Ina blinked again and asked, “Why are you being so affectionate lately?”

James scoffed, “What? I can’t be affectionate towards my wife? It’s just… on the ride here. I was thinking about how drastically our grocery list was going to change. Then I started thinking about how it would feel to return home to a baby giggling and mumbling and… I don’t know. It just felt so surreal to me. Then, when I returned home and saw your baby bump it was like a slap back to reality.”

James kissed her softly again and joined their foreheads, “This is actually happening, Leif. We’re having a baby.”

Ina nodded, finding it in herself to smile for her husband’s excitement and passion. A tear dribbled down her freckled cheek and she whispered, “We’re having a baby.”

#leiffin #griffinsdottir #ina leifsdottir #james griffin #ina x james #leifsdottir x griffin

30 notes · View notes

rontra · 7 years

Note

Hey Rontra. Sorry is this is too personal, but I was recently diagnosed with autism (high functioning) and even though it didn't tell me anything new per se, I've been trying to wrap my mind around it. Do you have any tips for getting through the transition period?

Hi there friend!Omg yeah getting th diagnosis can be super weird even if it’s not necessarily new information, I totally get what you mean lmao

Even tho it’s personal I don’t rly mind talking about it at all; just remember that this is a suuuuper individual experience and you might not relate to my thoughts on it at all–and that’s okay! I’m happy that you decided to ask for advice, but if mine doesn’t apply to you, that’s okay–and I’m sure there’s other posts out there that can add to this you might relate to more (but I’m on mobile so sadly can’t help much there djfhshs sorry). This kind of advice is hard because everyone’s so different xD ahhhhSpoilers: my tips are very mushy and sentimental ;9

But this DID get long so I’m gonna cut the post fbdbdhdhhs I’m very chatty ;v;

So for context’s sake: I was also diagnosed with autism relatively recently–at 20 years old (am 21 now). While I don’t know how old you are, I’ll assume that you’re an adult or close to it as well–which to me made the diagnosis feel really weird and time-displaced! Like I wasn’t “supposed” to be diagnosed so late, bc it’s “supposed” to be noticed in childhood and thus I’m somehow not “allowed” to relate with other autistic people (obviously, that’s not a correct line of thinking). I felt like, even though it totally makes sense and it’s def the appropriate diagnosis for me, it was weird–definitely difficult to sort of keep up and get my head around it. Everything in hindsight of my life makes 100% sense through this lens, and yet, it felt surreal. Not WRONG; but it was complex.

I think a lot of that stemmed from those two decades of suppressing the traits associated with my autism; things like downplaying or ignoring hypo- and hypersensitive sensory experiences, actively suppressing stims, and expending 90% of my day-to-day energy on just trying to slip “under the radar” in social interaction(let alone do well at it, God forbid). It wasn’t something I did out of conscious self loathing or anything like that; I actually assumed everyone grew up this way, and the world was just supposed to be a fuckin incomprehensible mess of unpleasant sounds and obscure subliminal social cues that people drop just for fun and sometimes things just swirl together into a big mess and you can’t focus and you can’t talk and this is just how the world IS. That we all grow up feeling like aliens and we’re all just pretending. That specific feeling wore off as I grew older and more prone to feeling directly isolated (so now IM the only alien), but the idea that “the world just Is Like This” stuck. It was HUGE to me when I realized that neurotypical people don’t usually relate to that mess. And, more importantly, that all this time-and-energy-consuming self-discipline was suddenly unnecessary, because those things had a reason and they had a meaning and they were mine. That’s weird. It’s good but it’s weird. To take in that those things have patterns and explanations and other people feel them too is overwhelming and beautiful and weird.

It’s weird as hell to feel like some kind of spy in a foreign country trying to blend in with a culture you don’t understand for 20 years, or some kinda alien, an animal in a cage doing tricks for a faceless crowd, only to have that moment where–it’s OKAY and things MAKE SENSE. It’s mine and it’s good and i don’t have to work so hard to be “like them” because I’m not. I can’t be.

I can’t be! Even when people call me (and you) things like “high functioning” it’s measuring my ability to be “like them”–which is something I can’t be. It’s measuring how I function compared to a neurotypical person, and it feels moot, because I’m NOT. It’s a measure of how good I am at pretending to be neurotypical. And guess what: after 20 years, I’m pretty damn good at it! :p

It makes sense, but it’s scary. Because I can finally get to know me, the autistic person–the person I’ve been subconsciously smothering for 20 years. That’s scary, and exciting, and comforting, all at once.

So after all that rambling, here’s one tip: lean into that. Hard. Indulge in something that makes you go “wow, this is pretty autistic” (whatever that might entail for YOU; I get really into obnoxiously elaborate organization systems for my hobby supplies, as one example) and just…let yourself enjoy it. Try a bunch of stim toys if you haven’t had the chance. Find a friend who has an hour or five to spare and tell them about your special interest, if you have one. Explore how you feel when you’re treating yourself to this kind of thing. Feel it all the way through. Take your time to get to know it.

I didn’t really go out and do research and look up more than I already knew–I focused way more on what I was feeling and how this new set of facts interwove with that, that it all made sense and for the first time I was in control of that and could indulge it consciously in a very pleasant way. I am more at peace than I have been in a long time because I’m expending less energy suppressing myself, while simultaneously spending more time being gentle to myself and indulging those autistic traits to bring an overall soothing. I think reviewing your own history and figuring out what makes your autism tick is super helpful in making you comfortable with it–finding what things appeal to you and utilizing those tools fully with the “armor” of your diagnosis. Before, I was often worried because “other people don’t do this” or “doing that is weird”–now, I do these things (stimming, accommodating for my sensory needs, etc) without feeling as bashful about it, because I know now that this is part of my experience with autism. I have that word, I have this diagnosis, and I can use that as my shield against those 20 years of pressure and shame. And if someone thinks my stim or my avoidance of certain touch IS weird–well, that’s their problem, lmfao. I spent 20 years suffering; I’m going to take full advantage of this new flourishing beauty.

To me, this experience isn’t about learning something new (as you said; it’s not new information)–but leaning into it and embracing what was there from the start. If you’re like me and have spent most of your life suppressing these things, indulging them may help you transition through the “whoa” into the “this is good” :p leaning into it HARD was def one of the best things I did hahahaha

another thing I did a lot was just reflection–I’ve spent a lot of time going over my own behaviors, reflecting on the past through this new lens, that kind of thing. I’ve been exploring my own mindset and how my brain works all over again, and connecting the dots to my diagnosis like some huge constellation chart, and it’s one of the most soothing things I’ve ever done. Maybe it’s because I’m big on organization :p Just kind of training myself to apply this new sexy word to it was important to me. To be able to say “oh, I do this thing because autism” or “hey I’m autistic too” and use these terms in a real way helped make the diagnosis and how it applies to me “real” to me as well.

People (neurotypical people, that is) talk to me about “acceptance” and “coming to terms with” and such–and they’re saying the right words but they don’t mean the right thing. They say it like I feel bad about autism. They’re saying it like autism is bad. It’s not. This wasn’t a difficult diagnosis to get–its not really one i struggled to cope with receiving. But they’re right that it is about acceptance, and it is about coming to terms–it’s just a far gentler thing with a different emotional starting point. I was learning from scratch how to take care of myself, with a whole new box of tools and terms to help me; it was flourishing, it was thriving. It was not a scary new disease or some threatening Autism $peaks rhetoric; it was merely understanding, and accepting, and giving myself positive things I’ve been keeping away for too many years.

Step 1 to managing my difficulties is understanding them. Step 2 is being kind.

Upon receiving this diagnosis, things may simply seem to make a lot of sense. Maybe you don’t really feel like it’s a “big deal” the way people around you seem to. It might just be that perfect moment when a puzzle piece clicks into place and it was always meant to be there. That dissonance between other people’s behavior and how you feel might be confusing too (I had this!).

Now, you probably understand things in a new light. It’s a good thing to become closer with yourself. Be nice to yourself and explore your experience of the world with a new light–you don’t necessarily have to do anything huge with that new info, but acknowledging it and naming its root and learning to use it to be kind to yourself in the future is cool. Don’t pretend like it isn’t there; name it, in your head, when you notice a trait in yourself that stems from it. Let yourself know what those things are and what they come from, and make adjustments where necessary to accommodate them. Be kind to yourself and don’t worry.

It’s good. You are good. You have always been good. Thank you.

17 notes · View notes