#part of me fucking prays for it cause I don't know if I'll be able to cope with her grieving for 2 years

[dirtytransmasc]

I hope we get a scene of Alicent with Aegon's body. If her son is damned to die, if she is damned to spiral into insanity, if she is to lose her life too the grief, let me see her with his body.

let her hold her baby in her arms one more time. let her wipe the blood that poured from his mouth and nose as he died. let her run her fingers over the viscous burns that adorn his skin. let her fix his hair. let her bathe him with a cloth as she had when he was a babe. let her kiss his cheek, his forehead, his hair, his hands. let her lay her head against him, hugging him like she had failed to do for years.

he was her firstborn and yet, her heart was still beating and his was not, she was not yet cold in her grave, no, no her son was cold, her flesh was warm, too warm. he was her baby, her son, the boy she tried so hard to protect, who had loved even when it hurt, who she had stood in front of a dragon for. she loved him, the very bones of him, and now he was dead.

let her lose her mind right there, in that room, still clinging to her body, one that's too cold, too still, too quiet. let her scream out to the gods, damning them, cursing them for taking her eldest son, amongst everything else in her life.

I want her to drive away anyone who tries to take him from her, forcing the silent sisters or whoever would be left to deal with his body at that point. let her curse and spit and claw at anyone who comes too close.

she would stay there for hours, reflecting on her memories of him. maybe she talks to him or hums a lullaby until she finally loses her battle with what remains of her consciousness and sanity, falling still against the table.

she dreams of Aegon, she dreams of the life she wish she could have provided, the life she had tried so hard to give him. a life where he was safe, a life where she had been a better mother, a life where she didn't need to live in and impose fear up on her children. maybe if she had tried hard enough he would still be alive, she'll think as she floats in the space between consciousness and unconsciousness.

she'll wake in plain chambers she only partly recognizes, she'll learn of her sons lackluster and sparsly accompanied burning, she'll learn her son was gone and she was alone. there won't be much of her left to care. she just continues dreaming, dreaming of her dead children and spiraling to madness until her broken heart finally gives out.

[my previous post inspired this, cause all I can think about now is Alicent mourning her son and its gonna put me in an early grave]

#[I know she isn't with him in the book but shhhhhh enoughs already changed let me be delusional] #I don't want to see this happen. my girl need a goddamn break. but if its gonna happen just demolish my heart in one foul swoop #all or nothing #cause if I watch a slow decent into madness I'm going with her #let her break quick and fast for my sake #I haven't read the book (as i've said a trillion times before. I'll get to it eventually) so take this with a grain of salt #I don't think book alicent didn't love her children #I do think the love she held for them and the love show alicent held for them is very different simply due to circumstance #and I don't think show alicent is lasting very long after Aegon's death #i wouldn't be surprised if she died of a broken heart shortly after him #part of me fucking prays for it cause I don't know if I'll be able to cope with her grieving for 2 years #my heart just can't #and she doesn't deserve it #just let her reunite with her children and be at peace #don't make her suffer #let her say goodbye to her baby. give her closure. let her go #I beg #alicent hightower #pro alicent hightower #aegon ii #aegon ii targaryen #aegon targaryen #pro team green #hotd #house of the dragon #its fine. I'm fine. I totally like my emotions.

[cambrinkisbae]

✧.*Not Friends pt 1*.✧

Paige Bueckers x reader

summary- Paige has a new secret admirer that she can't help but love.

word count- 2.2k

themes:

-drinking

-slight angst ig?

A/N- I'M SO EXCITED FOR THIS FIC BRO. i have really high hopes for this so I'm praying that people enjoy it. I'm gonna try and make a masterlist soon so that its easy to find the different parts to this but we'll see. (i did not spell check btw m lazy)

I usually wasn't head over heels easily but it was very hard to not fall in love with the girl everyone wanted. Especially when you see her at the same party everyone said she wouldn't be at.

It was a couple months after i transferred to UConn and i had already gotten super close with some the girls off of the volleyball team and this girl Nika, who was on the basketball team.

It was a late night after one of Nika's games and she invited me back to her place that she shared with her team. Of course I said yes i mean Nika was practically my best friend. But this was going to be the first time that i meet her entire team other than Azzi and Inês.

While Nika was introducing me to the girls on the team i couldn't help but stare at a certain blonde that was lurking in the corner. Nika held onto my wrist and led me to her.

"Paaigeee, this is the new transfer!" Nika introduced me to the now more noticeably tall blonde.

"Hey i'm Paige" her attention was now on me. The way she held eye contact almost made me fold right on the spot. Her eyes were making me come out so hard i didn't even notice that she was holding her hand out for me to shake.

That night, Nika was going out with everyone to celebrate theyre win and everyone was begging me to at least tag along. Before i could think of an answer i pulled nika to the side and yanked her closer to me.

"Nika i cannot go with tonight. I think i like paige" Nikas eyes widened at my confession. "I don't think i'll be able to go to any parties if she'll be there. you know what'll end up happening if i get drunk around someone i have feelings for"

Nika may not have known me for long but she knew me long enough for me to tell her about what happened with my ex boyfriend at my old college. For a quick summary, i got drunk at a party while i was with my current boyfriend and there was a girl that my eyes couldn't stop staring at. We danced, we made out blah blah blah one thing led to another. My boyfriend dumped me and may have told the college that i was drinking underage so i got kicked out! anyways fuck him i needed to stay away from Paige if she was in the same room as alcohol if i wanted to keep my sanity and reputation clean.

Every time the girls went out i would want to go with but of course i had to ask if Paige would be there. Yes maybe i was taking things a little far but i didn't want anything crazy to happen and ruin my chances with her.

I was resting on my bed when someone knocked on my door. It was a Monday night and i was alone in my dorm so i it would be absurd for someone to come over this late at night. I stood up and opened the door to see Azzi Fudd, Paige's best friend, standing in front of me.

"K I'm gonna make this really quick cause i have to go soon, but don't be mad at Nika or anything Ok?" Azzi said with an enormous about of speed in her words.

I nodded before she continued on.

"Nika told me about the whole situation with Paige and she really wants you to come to the party tonight and Paige wont be there so could you get ready and go with please?"

I was a bit caught off guard, not mad but shocked. It only took me a couple seconds to decide that i would go.

"Sure ill go." i say dragging out my words with annoyance. I shut the door and Azzi leaves. As soon as she left, I started picking out an outfit and putting on some light but noticeable makeup.

Once i was ready, my hair was thrown into a messy sort of no effort but with effort look. I tossed on my jordans along with a tank top and some baggy jeans before leaving my dorm and pulling out my phone for directions.

I unlocked my car and headed towards the address, which was thankfully only 6 minutes away. After i pulled into the driveway i called Nika to let her know that i was there. She quickly ran out of the party and ran up to me. Her arms wrapped around me, hugging me tightly. I laughed a bit at her, clearly tipsy, hug. Finally after she let go of me she grabbed me by the waist and dragged me in. The first thing i could notice were the flashing light and loud music that was playing.

A sick feeling grew upon my stomach seeing and hearing everyone be so comfortable. I knew that it would be hard to go to a party with this many people and this much energy after so long but not this hard. Nika tugged on my waist trying to bring some sense of comfort for me. I quickly forced a smile on my lips and took the drink that was being shoved in my face by Aaliyah. Instead of dancing with most of the girls i decided to sit down at the booth that Caroline and Ice were sitting at. Caroline's mouth shaped into a soft smile as she patted the leather next to her, gesturing for me to sit next to her and Ice. I quickly sat myself next to the girls and tried to start small talk.

I noticed them glancing at each other while the three of us talked. It felt sort of like they felt off about me. I clenched my palms together under the table and blinked for longer periods of time. A deep sigh escaped my lips as they're conversation trailed off onto they're own topic. I quickly took down my drink and set he cup down before leaving the booth to find Nika.

"Nika? Can i go home?" i tried talking to Nika but she was too out of it to even process tat i was next to her. I took a couple more panicked breaths and walked around for a little searching for some other girl to give me a ride until i felt a strong grip against my hips. I didn't even care who it was but i knew they were trying to get something out of me and they weren't getting that.

My hands quickly pushed the hands off of my hips before i turned around to find a random girl standing above me. I thought she looked familiar but i couldn't tell who she was.

"I missed you" she whispered to me, loud enough for me to hear but quiet enough to be hidden by the music.

what. the. fuck. who on earth is this girl? a confused expression was plastered on my face as i slowly backed away. still trying to forget about whatever that was, i made my way back over to Nika and continued to stay with her until i saw Caroline calling me back over to the booth.

"Hey, I got someone to come over and pick you up so don't worry about getting a ride from one of us. your gonna be fine Ok?" She could tell that i was stressed out. She helped me take a couple breaths before i even realized that she probably called someone that was a complete stranger to me. My breath began to pick up a bit more until she pointed to the door.

"Oh there she is." her hand was pointing to the direction of the same basketball player i did not want to be under the influence with. Paige Bueckers. My eyes widened at the sight of her tall figure. I tried to convince myself that Caroline was not pointing to the blonde that i was slowly falling in love with. I took a couple breaths and gave Caroline a quick 'thanks' glance and stood up. There were already a couple drinks in my system so i stumbled a bit walking over to Paige.

"You good there?" she held her arm out for me to grab onto. We walked back out to her car and she helped me in. i tried to stay quiet for the drive but i couldn't resist from making a little bit of conversation.

"so....why did Caroline call you to pick me up? we barely know each other" Paige kept her eyes on the road but it felt like everything was still.

"i don't know ask Caroline? i guess i was just the only person that wasn't drunk ya know?" she laughed a little then turns her head towards me for a second. I set down my purse on the floor of her car. I glance to the side and find a pair of lashes.

I made not have know Paige very well but i knew for a fact that she is not the girl to wear fake lashes. Which meant there was probably another girl in her car. It could've been recent or she could've just forgot about it before. Either way i started to think that i had a chance with her.

It was silent for a little bit until Paige turned on some music. It sounded like The Weeknd but i honestly couldn't tell the difference between the music and the conclusions i was jumping to in my head.

As the music filled up all the silence that was in the car i tried to distract myself by counting every time Abel said 'yeah' in one of his songs. Next thing i knew i was day dreaming about Paige while she was right next to me. The image of her making moves on me couldn't get out of my head. That's when i realized that we were finally at our destination. Except it wasn't the college campus. It was her apartment that she shared with the entire team. As far as i knew, the whole team was at the party so the entire apartment was empty until me and Paige walked in.

The entire place was pretty much clean except for a couple dishes and papers here and there. the only other time I've been in here was to meet the entire team and now here i was alone with the one girl i wanted to kiss since i met her. A couple chills ran down my spine as Paige tapped my back to get me to walk through the door. I guess i couldn't notice that i was just standing int he doorway staring at the living room.

The blonde put her keys on a little hook that was attached to the wall. I carried my purse around not knowing where to sit. I really thought i was being taken back to my own dorm. Guess not. Paige put a couple dishes in the sink to try and clean up a bit. As i stood there obliviously, she went down the hallway into her own room that im guessing she shared with Azzi.

"You coming?" paige called out from the hallway. I quickly rushed to her and went into her room. It was honestly messy but i kinda liked that she wasnt a clean freak. She sat down on her bed and kicked off her shoes. I couldnt help but stare at her features. Her blazing eyes. The way her nose hooked up. Her cheeks which were flushed with a light pink color, but i think thats because it was so hot in the car. And her lips were a brighter pink color. God how i wanted her lips against mine. It was hard to pull my eyes off her but when we looked at mine i quickly looked away.

Paige chuckled and leaned back on her bed. "come sit down" she motioned her hand next to her. I sat down on the empty space beside her. This was so awkward. I felt so out of place like Paige was forced to have me there. As i kept getting lost in my feelings i felt her hand push against my chest, dragging me to lay down in the same position as her. A gasp escaped my lips as she pushed me down but i kind of liked it. Now that we were right next to each other i felt a bit better and more comfortable.

There was only silence for a little while before Paige broke it. "do you like me?" It went silent again. I couldn't even process an answer let alone a reaction.

"what?no why would you think that?what?" i panicked and sat up quickly looking down at her. there was a smirk on her lips as she watched me panic. i guess i was making it obvious then.

Paige laughed a little and held onto my shoulder, pushing me down on the bed again. "its fine i swear. just try to keep this a secret k?" what did she mean by that?

I nodded and turned away to face the wall. "hey." Paige said softly. i turned back around to find her lips on mine.

#lesbian #paige bueckers #wbb #uconnwbb #uconhuskies #paige #basketball #angst #paigexreader #paigebueckersxreader

[zushikiss]

may I request a scara college au, with him as our secret admirer, being sweet in the letters he sends us but irl being really rude and mean. He one day catches someone messing with us and then stands up for us and confesses everything in panic after that<3

summary ; scaramouche drops his "i don't care about you" facade to protect you from this annoying boy who just won't stop trying to get your number, he reveals his identity afterwards too ;)

warnings ; red for kazuha, orange for hu tao, green for alb*rt, scara threatens your admirer but none of the actual violence, just him saying he'll break a few bones if albert comes near again, cursing

pairings ; scaramouche x gn!reader

notes ; ahhh i love this idea sm, thank you anon! also i made the letters pictures so that it's easier to read <3

you showed off your dozens of letters to your friends, though they were disinterested since this wasn't exactly your first time ranting about your oh so dear secret admirer, in fact it probably was your nth time talking about him in that week alone, your friend kazuha takes a closer look at the letters before letting a small smile take place on his lips.

"The handwriting looks familliar."

"Huh? Really?"

"Yeah, looks like Scara's handwriting to me."

Ah yes, Scaramouche. The person who you were sure only existed to make your college life a living hell, he pestered you daily, borrowing simple stuff like pens and when you ask for it back he shrugs you off with a "i forgot it at home" or a "i lost it."

"That gremlin? Pfft no way, he hates me with his whole being."

"That's not a lot of hate now, is it?"

And with that your group errupts in laughter, you couldn't help but join in, but kazuha's comment made you think, what if it really was scaramouche writing to you? nahh it can't be, your secret admirer is so sweet, they even bought you your favorite snacks and drinks the other day, comparing them to that evil goblin is truly offensive.

And when you parted with your friends to go to your respective classes you kept thinking about kazuha's comment, I mean scaramouche is attractive yes, but you just can't imagine him doing all the things your secret admirer has done.

On your way to your class you bumped into albert, this creep who just can't seem to read the room, you've rejected him plenty times and you've ignored him for plenty more but he just can't seem to get the hint.

"Name! Oh yeah by the way, are you free tonight? Wanna have dinner with me?"

"Oh albert, I'm sorry but I have to go uhh study for a quiz.."

"Aww c'mon, it'll be quick i promise! Or an even better idea is why don't you give me your number? So we can make plans for when you're finally free."

At this point your back hit the wall behind you since albert just keeps getting closer, you're clearly uncomfortable and you pray to archons above that someone passes by and helps you.

"I really gotta go, I'll be late-"

"Class doesn't start for another 5 minutes, name. What do you say we-"

"Finish that sentence and i'll crush your skull."

Out of nowhere a familiar tuff of indigo hair appeared, his hands were wrapped around albert's collar as he pulls him away from you.

"Hey man?! What the fuck is wrong with you??"

"Name said they're gonna be late. If I hear that you ever come near them again, I won't hesitate to break both your legs so you won't be able to go anywhere."

And with that albert ran off, scaramouche looked at you, his eyes no longer holding the dark aura that they possesed not even a minute ago.

"You okay?"

"Yeah.. Why'd you do that?"

"..do what?"

"Save me? You kinda don't give off that knight in shining armor energy you know?"

"Cause what kinda sick fucker let's the person they like be harassed like that? I spent so much time asking around to know what your favorite foods are so I can get them for you and you think I won't punch a bitch for you?"

And when it finally sets in that he basically just confessed to you his first instinct was to run away, and so he did. He turned his back to you as he started walking away, you grabbed his wrist as a way to stop him before he looks at you, he looked adorable, his cheeks stained red while he averted his eyes, trying to avoid your gaze.

"Are you really?"

"Yeah, look just reject me and let's get this over with."

"Reject? No! You owe me ice cream since you finally introduced yourself."

"What."

"I'd like to go out with you, Scaramouche."

#genshin scenarios #genshin fluff #genshin kazuha #genshin hu tao #genshin imagines #genshin x reader #genshin impact #genshin x you #genshin x gn reader #genshin scaramouche #scaramouche x reader #scaramouche x gender neutral reader #scaramouche x you #scaramouche x gn reader

[blueicequeen19]

Innocent Pt. 7

I show up at the stupid party after closing my family's store once again, to look for my stupid drunk friend who called me for a ride home. It's been a week since I told Rafe to leave me alone and I all I could do was hope and pray I didn't run into him at this party. I only needed five minutes to find Leah and get the hell out of here.

I wander through the impressive Kook's house until I end up on the second floor. It only takes me a moment to realize she's not up here as I catch a glimpse of white lines being snorted off a coffee table. I spin around and run right into a hard body almost falling on my ass if he didn't catch my waist. I blink back at Rafe, trying to step out of his hold but he won't let go.

"The fuck are you doing here, Pogue?" Topper says from behind Rafe. Rafe releases me and I step back.

"I'm looking for someone." I say softly, not tearing my eyes from Rafe's. He looks pissed. Like I'm not supposed to be here.

"I doubt you know anyone here." Topper sneers. I move my eyes to him and open my mouth to argue but Rafe cuts me off with a firm grip to my elbow.

"I'll get rid of her." Rafe doesn't wait for a response and pulls me down the stairs with him.

"Rafe, let go. I'm looking for my friend." I snap but he ignores me. He drags me through the party and we end up in a completely different part of the house and up more stairs. This is the biggest house I've ever been in. We end up in a loft above the owner's garage and it's almost completely blocking out the sound from the party. "Rafe." I snap and yank my wrist free from his grasp. He runs his hand through his hair and flips the ceiling fan on. A gust of cold air causes me to shiver but Rafe seems to be burning up. He's sweating and fanning himself with his hand as he pants.

"Why did you come here?" Rafe asks. I open my mouth to smart off but stop apruptly when he yanks his shirt over his head and I see the glow of sweat on his skin. God, he looks even better without clothes. Better than I could ever imagine. Rafe stops pacing when he catches my wandering eyes. "Stop that." There's a warning in his tone and I cock my head.

"Stop what?" I ask, not entirely sure what he's talking about but I still feel the blush creep up my back and to my neck and up my cheeks. Now I'm burning up.

"Stop looking at me like that. You shouldn't look at me like that." Rafe glares, tousling his hair again.

"Like what?" I demand, furious suddenly that he is getting so hostile with me. A growl slips from his lips and he advances on me. I rush backwards only to trip over my own feet but he catches my arm before I go down and he yanks me against his body. My hands smack against his chest and he grunts at the impact. His body is so warm everywhere. I just want to run my hands over the whole thing.

"Like you want me to throw you down on the bed and ruin you. I'm not good for you. I'm a terrible person, Em. I ruin everything and I will ruin you too." I feel like the wind was knocked out of me at his confession.

"I want you to ruin me, Rafe." The words leave my mouth before I can stop them and I feel him tremble against me.

His lips find mine in an instant causing us both to groan into each other. My arms instantly wrap around his neck and he scoops me up, sitting down on the bed with me in his lap. We kiss until all I can taste is Rafe. He grips my ass over my shorts causing me to dig my nails into his back, fueling him to only kiss me harder. I break away first, unable to breathe, but his lips move to my neck. I moan and his body tenses, his hands grip my ass almost painfully as his lips move to my throat.

"Rafe." I breathe but his hand suddenly clamps down on my mouth. There's a fire burning between my legs yet I'm sitting in a pool of my own wetness. I just need more.. friction.

"Don't say my name. I'm barely hanging on. I won't be able to stop myself if we go there." Rafe warns, his tongue tracing up my throat and I whimper, my hips roll on their own and he freezes. "Em, please." Rafe begs. Rafe Cameron is begging. Begging me.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. I didn't mean to do that." I whimper, the pulsing between my legs is getting so bad it hurts. My hips roll again, seeking relief and Rafe growls, instantly lifting me off his lap so I'm standing. I spot a wet spot on his lap but I don't know if it's from him or me.

"Why can't you listen?" Rafe demands, dropping to his knees in front of me and his fingers slide past my cotton shorts with ease. I gasp when his fingers stroke over my bundle of nerves, forcing me to grip his shoulders for support. "Answer me." Rafe snaps and I whine when his fingers still.

"I-I'm sorry. My body is doing it on it's own." I whimper, rolling into his fingers again and I hear a chuckle.

"You're so fucking wet, Em." Rafe circles my clit with his finger and I practically lift up on my toes.

"Please, Rafe. It's hurts." Now I'm begging. I need more. I need so much more.

"Needy little thing." Rafe teases but before I can react, he slips a finger inside me and my knees almost buckle. His free arm wraps around me in an attempt to hold me up. "Do you want me to make you feel good, Em? Do you want me to take the pain away?" Rafe lifts my shirt slightly and kisses along my stomach while keeping his finger inside me. The urge to move is clouding my brain. I can hardly think as I roll my hips again. "Answer me or I'll stop." Rafe demands and I nod.

"Please, Rafe. Make it stop. Make me feel good." The words barely leave my mouth and he starts thrusting his finger inside me. A loud moan leaves my lips at the intense pleasure.

"You're so tight. I can barely move." Rafe chuckles, kissing my stomach as his finger works me. I dig my nails into his neck as he keeps going. I'm so close. So so close. My legs start to shake and Rafe jumps to his feet, switching our positions so he's sitting on the bed with me sitting between his legs, my back to his chest. His finger barely strokes over my sensitive skin and I'm arching my back into him. His lips trace over my neck as his finger sinks back inside me.

"Does this feel good?" Rafe growls in my ear and I whimper, rolling my hips against his hand. I gasp when he withdraws his finger and enters again with two, stretching me to the max. I throw my head back against his shoulder, my nails digging into his thighs as I become desperate to hang on.

"Don't stop." I plead and he works faster. The tightness in my body works its way down to my toes and I open my mouth in a silent scream as I'm thrown off the cliff. His free hand clamps my mouth while he tears sounds from me I didn't know I could make.

"Yes, yes, keep cumming baby." Rafe chants in my ear. I'm at his mercy as his lips find every inch of skin on my neck and his fingers don't let up. I'm going to cum again, tears in my eyes as his palm gives me just the right amount of friction to unravel me again. I cry out against his hand as I feel the gush between my legs. My whole body shakes against his and my mind in pieces as I come down. His fingers slip from me with an embarrassing wet sound and I gasp when I see them tinted pink with blood.

"I bled on you?" I pant, my body lax against his chest and he only chuckles before wiping his fingers off on a towel on the floor.

"It's okay. You were just a little tight. It happens." Rafe reassures me, kissing my neck again as I fight to catch my breath. There's a long pause as I try to calm down my racing heart but it only gets harder as he starts to run his warm hands up and down my thighs like he's trying to soothe me. "Did you like that? Did it hurt at all?" Rafe whispers into my ear. The sound of his lust filled voice has my eyes almost rolling back, giving me the urge to go again.

"It was good. Amazing." I breathe then realization sits in. I gasp and jump to my feet. Rafe looks at me like I'm crazy and I frantically scroll through my phone for any messages from Leah. I type out a quick message that I'm here and head for the door.

"Where are you going?" Rafe demands, catching me before I get the door open.

"I'm here to pick up my friend. You distracted me." I pull at his arms around my waist but it's no use. Rafe spins me around and kisses me hard. I moan into his mouth and thread my fingers through his hair. My phone vibrating draws my attention back. I shove him away and dig my phone out panting.

"You can't wander this party alone." Rafe warns but I ignore him. I've dealt with worse than drunk frat boys. Leah's text says she's by the pool.

"I don't need you to protect me, Rafe." I snap and I push him away then duck out the door. I half expect him to stop me but he doesn't. I really need to use the bathroom but I've already spent enough time not looking for Leah.

Every girl I pass is wearing sexy bikinis and it only makes me feel self conscious in my cotton shorts and tank top. When did I begin to worry about fitting in? A majority of the people here were Kooks anyway. They'd hate me regardless of what I wear.

I spot Leah on a lounger by the pool, laughing with a few guys as she sips her drink. The guys narrow their eyes as I approach, obviously interrupting their plans. Guilt racks me as I think about getting distracted by Rafe. Leah follows their gaze and smiles when she sees me. The glassy look in her eyes and the big grin tell me she's gone.

"Guys this is my best friend, Emmy! She's my ride!" Leah announces, not resisting as I take the drink from her hands. I turn to sit it on the side table and look up to see Rafe on the second floor balcony, not hiding his disapproval. I roll my eyes and turn back to Leah.

"I can give her a ride. It's no problem." One of the guys chimes in and I wave him off, helping Leah to her feet. A hand grabs my elbow and I turn to see one of the other guys towering over me.

"Stay awhile. Have a drink." He insists, the smile on his face not reaching his eyes. I pull my elbow free with a yank and his eyes darken.

"Pass." I snap and pull Leah along with me.

"Slut." One of them growls and I freeze. The anger inside raising to the surface. All I can hear in my head is all the times my dad called me a slut. And after what I just let Rafe Cameron do to me, maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. I turn back around, my face flushed with anger.

"Fuck you, shrimp dick." I shout and a bunch of people gasp. Including Leah. Jesus, what's wrong with me? Why would I say that? But why shouldn't I? This guy is obviously a predator. Fuck his feelings.

"What did you say, bitch?" He demands, stepping towards me but I don't step back. I'm tired of cowering and being afraid of abusive men.

"I didn't stutter." I snap. The guy throws his head back with angry laughter and a chill creeps down my spine. Everyone is watching. I'm going to throw up. What if this guys tries to hurt me?

"Alright, enough guys." Rafe's voice draws my attention and he steps between us, clapping the guy on the back. "Let it go, man. She's not worth it." Rafe says and my heart sinks a little. The guy shakes his head angrily but listens to Rafe as he goes back to his friends.

Rafe gives me a warning look and I quickly pull Leah along with me, willing tears to fall. I should've known Rafe Cameron cared more about appearances than me. I don't realize he's following after us until I start to put Leah in my passenger seat half a block from the damn party. There's no parking anywhere. Her head slumps once her back hits the seat and I know she's passed out. I slam the door and attempt to avoid Rafe's reaching hands. His touch will break me. I know it will.

"Don't." I cry, shoving his hands away and scurrying to the drivers side. Rafe follows after me, wrapping his arms around my waist and a sob breaks free.

"Em, stop. I had to say that. You know how these things are." Rafe pleads but I shove him away angrily. I feel the heat in my cheeks and the burning in my eyes from the tears but I can't let him see me cry. I keep my back to him as I throw the door open.

"You're right. I know exactly how these things are so go away, Kook." My voice doesn't break even though I am and I slam the door, avoiding his gaze. I speed off without so much as a look back at Rafe Cameron in the middle of the road.

[morp43]

Morp. You think you're above it all. I know you do, that's why I didn't ask. Lemme ask you this instead Morp. If thats even yout real name. Have you ever heard a Muslim praying? I just did. He was really going at it. They like, I don't know what to call it but it's like singing they do a singing type prayer. It was pretty interesting I just sorta sat off in the corner of the next room cause I didn't wanna bother him. I just thought it's one of those things you prefer to not be disturbed while doing but I was listening. It goes on for a while ya know like probably at least fifteen minutes if not longer, I don't know. Probably something I should look up. You always kind of stumble into things like that ya know, cultural differences in places you don't expect to find them. I felt for a long time that I didn't really have a culture, or even an accent but as I was exposed to more of the world and more of other people's beliefs, the more I was able to learn about my own culture and beliefs, while maybe even integrating parts of theirs. At the same time, you will find that despite our differences, many of us really truly are the same deep down, it doesn't matter where you go in the world because nothing really changes that much. I think that sometimes maybe that's what people mean when they that traveling the world was eye opening for them, and the crazy thing is, you can experience it right at home if you keep a keen eye and take the road less traveled. It's actually kinda astounding. You know what else is astounding? My mom. Wooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaah. Haha nah I kid she's great and all I love her but she's a lot ya know? Probably not, not at least her particular brand of a lot but I'll tell ya, if you say bazinga, you won't regret it. And if you dont. You will. You will be sitting on your death bed, waiting for the end to finally draw the curtains shut on your pitiful human existence and the last thoughts you ever have will be of me, my rambling monologue and your incessant refusal to say bazinga, instead of your last moments being filled with comfort surrounded by friends and family alike it will be me tormenting you for the those last infinitley stretched moments of your dying psyche. Don't toy with those forces morp. Don't toy with them.

What the fuck are you talking about? Are you ok?

…

Bazinga lol

[joficeandwind]

You probably will know who this is as I write this, but I'll still be on anon mod for personal reasons

It has been such a blessing to get to know you, J. I wish you nothing but the best for your birthday. You may not be able to celebrate or feel happy, due to your circumstances and mental health problems, but I really hope that you are happy during your special day, even more a few minutes. You matter so much to me, to a lot of people here, and you don't need to live up to anyone's standards. Being who you are is enough for us, and even if you do not feel it, it's true for us. You're an amazing person that made a lot of people happy, me included. Never did I think I would be comfortable ranting to someone, especially if they had their own problems. But you made an effort and practically didn't let it go until I talked about my feelings towards you. And that was absolutely amazing. You have no idea how comfortable you make me feel and whenever I speak with you, I get so excited. I think the reason I'm so attached to you is because you remind me of my younger brother, who's turning 16 himself in December. Whenever I talk to you, all I can see is my irl younger brother and I knew it would be hard to let you go. If I never had that 11 pm urge to ask if you wanted to be mutuals, I have no idea if I would ever be friends with such an amazing person. But I'm so glad I did. I'm so happy our paths have crossed and I got to be your mom. I pray for you to have a great birthday and for nice things to happen to you, even if it's only for a short while, please enjoy any good thing that might happen. Even if nothing does, I still give you my full love and affection. I don't have the mental health to continue this message, nor idk what else to say, or I might just sound like a fool repeating happy birthdays and how blessed I am to have you in my life (which is true, but still wanna get this through). But your f/o's also asked me to give you these messages from them

Um....h-hi J. I'm sorry if I'm wasting your time. Please forgive me. I.....I hope it's okay that I'm wishing you happy birthday. If I'm annoying you, you can write mean words on me. Or I can take off my clothes for you! I'm so sorry! I....I really wish you a great day. I asked Teruteru to make you a cake. I asked him to make it with stevia and vegetable oil instead of sugar and butter. I....want you to be healthy. I don't think it's good to eat fast food a lot, J.....o-of course! That's just my worthless opinion compared to you! I-It's your birthday, we can do whatever you want! Anything you want, just ask and I'll do it. cause I love you I hope you like the cake. And my time with you

From,

Mikan Tsumiki

Yo, J! Glad I was able to get time to write this to you. Listen, I ain't good with deep or sappy stuff like this, so I'll get straight to the point. I wish you a great birthday and an awesome day! I called out training with Nekomaru just to make time for ya. A party means food, yeah? We having a party for you? Of course, if you wanna just chill at my place and watch movies or whatever, that works. But....there's still gonna be food, yeah? Ah hell. No matter what, anything will do. It's your day after all

See ya soon, babe!

Akane Owari

Oi! Peabrain, listen up! The great Miu fucking Iruma has something to say, and she's only gonna say it once, so get your head outta your ass! Happy fucking birthday, you bastard! E-Eh?! W-Why are you making that face? I wished you a happy birthday and was going to say a bunch of lovey dovey shit. W-What did I do.....? Eh, what the hell?! I'll go all out! Don't think I give this special treatment to anyone, and don't get all cocky on me thinking I'm getting soft and mushy for ya. It's your special day after all. Anyways, the gorgeous girl genius is gonna cuddle with you as we watch movies. I baked a bunch of sweets for ya. Hope you like the cake. I mean, of course you will, I made it. It.....It has my blood in it. So a part of me will always be inside of you. I always wanted a hot guy to consume me. It's....always been a romantic dream of mine, ahhh~!!! I also made cookies with my hair, brownies with my fingernails, anything for you. And don't you think that's the end. Be honored I'm getting you my genius inventions as presents. I also got.....something else planned. You're gonna love what I have in store at the end of your day. Ahahah!!!! The great Miu Iruma strikes again with her awesomeness! I'm the best, aren't I?

Til then!

Miu Iruma

Nyahaha!!! My beloved J, hello hello!!! I bring a message from Atua wishing you a happy birthday. He sends his best wishes, as do I. I'll pray for your birthday to be nothing but the best! But but....you will spend the day with me, right? I have so many paintings to give you. I can't take all the credit. It was Atua's work that merely used me as a vessel to produce such divine artwork. He was thinking about how to please you on your special day. Atua knows you mean so much to me, he was generous enough to think of all the pleasent things you love and spend hours upon hours painting. Please come by soon, my love. I'll be waiting with open arms

Praise be Atua

Angie Yonaga

Hey J, you got a minute? I wanna stop by and wish you a happy birthday. I also wanted to ask if you wanted do to something together. This is what couple's do on special occasions like this, right? Go on dates? I was thinking the amusement park. If you want me to win ya something, just ask! Or maybe just go out to eat? My treat! I'd be happy to listen to your ideas too. You're the birthday boy after all. So what'cha say? And don't worry, I already asked Akane, she's baking a cake for you as we speak. Hehe....I was trying to make one myself, but I kinda burned the kitchen. Really shouldn't do my makeup while cooking, horrible decision. Sheesh, you look away from the oven for one minute to change cosmetics. Anyways, just tell me what you want, babe!

See you then!

Kiyoka Maki

H-Hello, J. I hope that you have a great birthday. I want to wish you nothing but the best day with me! We'll do all kind of fun things I have planned for you. I hope it's okay that I went out of my way to make sure you have a great day. I know how much you don't really like big plans, so how does us hanging out at home, playing video games, cuddles, and takeout sound? Sounds like an ideal date, right? Sorry if it's lame, I know. I'm not very good with planning, Hibiki is more strong with organizing stuff than I am. But I also prepared a song for you. I want to play my guitar for you later that night. And....the cake I made for you. I put a lot of time on it. Sorry if it's not very good, but I tried my best for you! Cause I love you a lot, darling.

I'll be with you til the very end, love

Kanade Otonokoji

I was trying to go to sleep, but, I just decided to check tumblr one last time, since I was bored. Jeez, did I pick the right time to check it.

I... Seriously don't know what to say, mom. I appreciate you, too. You mean so, so much to me, and stuff like this is why. I'm glad I was able to meet you, too. You're an amazing person. I'm sorry, I'm not really good with stuff like this, so, that's all I can say to you. But, really, I love you, you're the best mom I could ever ask for!

And, to all my F/O's, thank you, too. You've all helped me through rough times, and loved me when I needed it most. I'll be sure to have the best birthday with you all, <3

#j rambles #anon #i really don't know what else to say but thanks <3

[system-of-a-feather]

Fuck studying Imma ramble cause I'm over it. The first midterm for birds class and ID is supposed to be relatively easy and if it is fuck it I don't need to study, if its not, then fuck it this was the "hardest part of birds" for me so I'll just do better on the next one. My levels of shits has gone down so much with how over school I am and since working with the subsystem and realizing everyone is really over it. I have ONE last class and I can not be asked (technically two but I'm taking the other P/NP so I don't have to worry about the grade so long as I get a C- which is easy)

But honestly, our system has spent the first twenty-two years of our life being put on high pressure to keep everything perfect of the capitalistic grindset with a metaphorical knife to our throat if we so much as slip up. And this is not meant to be a brag, because I say this with exhaustion due to just how much mental illness, splitting, and pain we put into this, but we have actually managed to keep a REALLY clean and perfect track record. We have over a year of formal research experience, two years worth between two seperate labs. We have a year of clinical experience. We've maintained a perfectly clean record in terms of legal shit. We've maintained off of all addictive substances (save for caffeine). We've "gotten a good grade in healing and recovery". We've built so many skills and properly learned to self care some. We make money. We have a really good healthy long term relationship. We have some really strong healthy stable friends. We have healthy positively fulfilling hobbies. We are on our way to a career path we love and we are a very strong candidate for our ideal career.

We have worked so fucking endlessly and tore ourselves apart regularly (literally I guess) to keep this up because we could never get ourselves to fucking stop and we are so so so close to what our whole system thinks is the first time in our entire lives that we can actually take a breather and fucking just LIVE.

Running the mid to late December we are finally graduated with our Bachelors degree and we can join the work force and spend two years just fucking living before going into gradschool. I've had some classmates give me a weird look and judge cause my "gap year" is still me fully working a full time job and that is "self care" but it really really really fucking is for us.

Now that I'm writing this I'm definitely blurred, possibly temp-fused with Data - actually almost certainly temp-fused with Data. But we are so so so so so fucking just hoping that we are right that this is finally fucking live and not be in this fucking hellhole of a miserable life.

Like I (Data side) would be so fucking happy to just let this all fucking go and just fuse into the rest of the subsystem properly because we really really don't need to be holding onto our life with as tight of a grip as I / we do but until we finish this last quarter, this last year, it was absolutely non negotiable. I'm praying to whatever god I don't believe in that I am right and that my brain will let us just have two fucking seconds of life.

I don't really even know what that would look like - WE don't even know what that would look like. Having two years where the only thing on our "progress list" is just working and not having to worry about tests or skill building. There's even a chance we might end up moving across the country and live near our best bro and bring our fiance over when he can make it.

It's so incomprehensible to actually be able to just do things without it having to be a check mark in a grand miserable scheme of making sure everything is perfect and done right and that we have entire control and awareness over our progress win life. It's so incomprehensible to have so few variables to keep track of to make sure we won't be miserable the rest of our lives. It's so incomprehensible to actually be able to live and ugh.

I'm so fucking tired and burnt out on living like this. It's been 22 years. We've given enough and once we secure a job for those two years, we have officially reached the bare minimum stability that our brain can finally permit us to have the first breather we had since we came out of the fucking womb right?

My "book" says in theory yes and I pray that it is not a false hope and a lie. I've been trudging through this past month or two with the energy given from the idea that if I get this last bit done right, I can theoretically be fucking free because I succeeded. If I do, then I will cry and be more than glad to fuse which is hopefully the plan.

("also lol Riku -> Data-Riku temp-fuse -> Data caught live in ramble" -Riku back there)

I'm exhausted as shit but currently it's optimistic and hopeful positive exhaustion. I hope in the next half year that I'm not an isolated part and our system has healed enough that I don't have to be a seperate part and we (as a whole) do not have to feel the need to have someone as chronically obsessive-compulsive driven. I'd love that, both for myself (since I would have achieved the ability to let some of it go) and for the whole.

Crossing my fingers.

-Data / Riku / Data-Riku Fusion

#alter: data #alter: riku #alter: data riku #temp fusion #vent #vent tw #you can comment but do not reblog #of course you wont though cause I can turn that off

[aroace-cat-lady]

Being AroAce

Absolutely no one asked for this, but it's pride month and I don't give a fuck. I want some possitibity on the aroace tag for once

Hi, I don't know you and you don't know me. But there is something you have to know about me: I'm asexual, wich means I don't feel the urge of put my mounth on people if they look like pizza. It also mean that I have the best sex jokes around here. I have know about this since I'm 13yo, and I didn't have a crisis about it 'cause I was 13 and at 13 you are wiser that everyone else in the room.

Other thing you should know!! I'm aromantic. Wich means I smell great and that I don't feel romantic attraction. And I'm gonna stop you right there. I know what you are thinking But miss!! How can a person so cool as you don't feel one of the things that make us human!! And let me tell you my friend, that is arophobe. No, I'm not trying to call you out. It's just a fact: you were being arophobe at thinking that a person without love is lest human. I'm not recriminating you. And I'll tell you why: when the idea of being aromantic first came to me, I refused to accept it. 'Cause what would that mean?? Did I was broken?? Was I a monster?? What was wrong with me??

Yeah, I'm not proud about that. I was a victim of one of the seven knights of apocalypsis: amatonormativity. Yeah, quite a word, I know. The amatonormativity is a bitch. And not in the cool way. It is the idea of society that everyone wants a romantic monogamous relationship. It's that voice in your head that make you nervous for being single. It's the way we think people is lying when they say they don't have a crush on anyone. It's the fear of being alone, 'cause what is life if you live it on your own??

Aka, Bullshit™️

You can see it, right?? You know what, it doesn't matter if you can't. I of all people understand how hard is get out of the amatonormativity.

Anyways, another fun fact: I am aroace. Lemme tell ya smth: it's not the same being alloaro at being alloace at being aroace. We all have a lack of attraction but we are not the same. We have different communities, even if we have a few things in common. It's a mess. I love it. (If you think this is very complex, you haven't see anything my friend. Someday i'm gonna talk to you about loveless aro, orientated aroaces, aplatonic fellas and a lot of cool people i've had the honor of meet)

Going back to being aroace: I have no idea were my aromanticism ends and were the asexuality starts. I used to think they go hand and hand for everyone, but it turns out they don't. Diversity wins again.

I've never dated. I've never wanted to have sex. I'm kind of a hopeless romantic and I've read books I pray my mom never finds out. I scream break up songs as if I had my heart on pieces. Non of this things make me more or least aroace. They just make me me.

I used to hate a lot of things (like romance or unnecessary sex scenes on media) because I didn't understand them. So I get if you feel weird with the idea of being aro, ace or aroace. Just don't be a dick about it with people inside the spectrum.

Not gonna lie: being inside the aro and the ace spectrum can be an insolating experience. You start to see things since a different perspective, and start to understand yourself a lot better in ways most people never try to understand themself.

But, being honest, I wouldn't change it even if I could. It's a beutiful part of who I am and who I've been.

I'm aroace and I'm so proud of it. Not because I think I'm above of all the normativity or anything like that. But because it was a formative experience, sometimes painfull and lonely, but full of self acceptance.

Oh, and plot twist: you still can have a significan relationship if you are in these spectrums. A lot of aros and aces are on romantics relationships. And you also can have sex. Action it's not the same than attraction.

And even if you think you wouldn't be able of being on a romantic relationship, don't worry, queer platonic relationships exist!! As long as you want one. Have you seen the there is not heterosexual explanation for this jokes? Well, it turns out those are aroacephobic as well, 'cause there is a heterosexual explanation, and it's called platonic and/or queerplatonic attraction.

Queerplatonic attraction it's kind of a spectrum that englobes intense feelings that aren't exactly romantic.

And, I, being who I am, ended up in a open polyamorous queerplatonic relationship by accident. I love my someones very much and they love me. I'm a really insecure person, but they are one of the few things in my life I feel permanent.

So yeah. I'm aro. I'm ace. I'm aroace. It wasn't easy learn to adore it. Society is ruthless with people like me. Aphobia is everywere. Amatonormativity and allonormativity chase me even in my sleep. I'm not alone, even if sometimes it feels like it.

#im aroace and im gonna make it everyones problem #aroace #aro ace #aroace positivity #aroacespec #aroace pride #aromantic #asexual #aromantic asexual #asexual aromantic

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 237

Days pass and it seems shit doesn't get better. In fact, it might even get worse. Also, I love how I randomly remember this account.

First things first, my mom has been in the psych ward for a week now. It stops her ED from getting too out of hand, but the real problem is her body image issues. That's what's causing the ED and it REALLY doesn't feel like the ooddles of doctors, psychiatrists, therapists and so on at the hospital seem to realize, or care, somehow. They also prescribed her with new antidepressants which she's having an allergic reaction to, but they say it's "normal" and are going to increase the dose. I hate them. I hate them so much and that's why I'd never want to go to the psych ward. They do the bare fucking minimum like feeding you and cleaning your room which are things you often can't do yourself anymore when you end up there, but they don't actually help you get better so when you go back into the world you can look after yourself again. Maybe I'm too harsh on them, and I'm sorry.

For my part, things are really shitty. I haven't gotten out of bed in 6 days now. I have had a pretty bad cold for a week too, so that'll justify it. Seriously, the truth is I'm going through a really bad depressive episode. It started about a week after I quit my job (so around the 25th of September I guess) and it hasn't left me since (we're the 3 of November right now). Most of the times I got out of bed were because I was seeing my relatives (I spent a week at my grandparents's and at my mom's, I saw my godmother a couple of times). My uni "friends" have completely given up on me and have straight up stopped inviting me to all their little parties and hangouts. I decided I didn't want to celebrate my "uni best friend" 's birthday anymore and came up with an excuse. I'm really disappointed in them. Or maybe I'm disappointed in myself because I should have been the one trying to organize stuff with them. But when you know they've created a groupchat with just the three of them, for some reason, and that was about as soon as I dropped out, you know you're not really part of the team anymore. I wonder if when my "best friend" doesn't walk fast enough compared to the two other girls, they just leave her behind like they did when we hung out the 4 of us, except I'd always slow down and wait for my "best friend" so she wouldn't be alone. I wonder.

These past 6 days, I don't really know what I've been doing except binge watch the last 3 or 4 seasons of BoJack Horseman. I absolutely ADORED this show. It's beyond what words can express. I've also started to develop a strange interest for dolls, specially the new Monster High dolls and Rainbow High/Shadow High dolls. It's okay, I'm going through a little phase and it brings me some comfort. I've also started reading Macbeth since I'm seeing the play in London in December.

All I pray for is winning the lottery. Whenever I don't forget, I play. I usually don't win much, but I play and I pray. Because I don't see how else I could get out of the deep. Just thinking about getting a job makes me feel an even greater amount of crippling anxiety and depression than I already have to bear every day. I've sort of convinced myself I deserved to have this little miracle happen to me because with all the shit I've been through, there is no one that could save me, not even myself, not doctors, not family. All that could save me would be becoming a millionaire and never having to worry about finding a job and losing my freedom, all of that to barely earn anything anyway. If I were a millionaire I could finally be sure I'll always have a roof above my head.

Lately I've lost the will to do things. I don't wanna celebrate my birthday. What is there to celebrate? It's gotten so bad that, although for a few months getting ready to see BTR tour in Europe was my top one priority in life, it's something I can barely find interest in anymore. When I think I probably won't be able to afford doing the whole tour I think "whatever", even though a couple of weeks ago I would have cried at the mere thought of not doing the whole tour. Things are changing quick. I'm losing interest in everything, nothing gets me excited. The BTR side of Twitter is hella toxic, you'll get cancelled over anything by a bunch of hypocrites.

I'd like to go back to the gym but I don't have the money, nor the will anymore. I've been asking for social aids (which I have the right to) but they're not giving me anything.

I don't have much else to say. I hope next time I write here things are a little better. I doubt they'll be, but I hope, still.

See you later :)

"Mr Blue I told you that I loved you

Please believe me..."

[fallinghorizontally]

The cause of your anxiety is your mother

Mine is, that's for sure. I've been having panic attacks almost every other day for the past 5 weeks now. They happen because my body randomly shoots out a physical symptoms like fast heart rate, chest discomfort, a feeling of dread, or weird spasms in my neck. It's so hard because I can never know if it's something serious or not. It's hard trying not to completely freak the fuck out in the middle of a symptom and most of the time I will. Sometimes I'm able to get ahold of myself but sometimes even if I do, for a moment, I'm stuck with nothing but dread that will turn into anxiety again and I'll feel another symptom again. It's so hard to be brave and tell myself that I'm fine in the moment when part of my brain tells me its serious and to top it off the fight or flight just makes everything seem so much more dire.

Whenever I have a panic attack and my moms around, I run to her for help and perhaps comfort. I wonder why I do this. It's almost like an instinct. I know she will be of no help so why do I keep running to her. Before shit hit, I would get anxious and it was a direct cause of my environment, I think. I think that if I am constantly under stress and emotional hardship it will manifest itself as anxiety and physical symptoms. Of course, I haven't been normal for a while. I constantly check my pulse and do other shit that "helps" my symptoms or anxiety. But that was manageable. I could live my life peacefully and still do those things even if I knew it was not normal. Ever since I moved back home, my anxiety has increased so much and maybe that's why I'm now in this fucking cycle of panic and anxiety. My mom is is too fucking much. I play many roles in her fucking house. I am an assistant, translator, baby sitter, therapist, accountant, DOCTOR, advisor, and so much more. It is too fucking much and the worst part is that all that shit is expected. I can't even get a sincere fucking thank you. I barely ask for anything, just empathy and it seems like I'm asking for the deed to the world. She's religious and she tells her church friends all of my ailments and according to them my mental illness is because of evil. That my anxiety is caused by problems that go beyond the physical and my mom thinks that I am constantly thinking about my past traumas. I mean sure maybe but it disregards the fact that hypochondria and mental illness in general is very fucking real and I feel like she does not fucking listen. I feel so lost and lonely. To her and her fucking church friends, I am empowered by the devil and if I don't submit to their religion then I'm going to hell. Like why the fuck would you tell that to someone who's already going through so much mental anguish not to mention the fact that I am not even religious. I simply don't believe in the white mans religion which they've been indoctrinated into believing. I don't need my mental problems to be pushed aside and labeled as "evil spirits." I want to ask all those old hags to stop taking their fucking diabetes and dementia treatments and to trust God with their sickness. That little plastic box with Sunday through Saturday labeled on it? Yeah toss those the fuck out, God has your back sister! Just because mental illness is something they can't ever understand, it is treated as something other worldly and it pains me so much because I am simply not heard and threatened with eviction if I don't submit to my moms religion. And I don't do it because I simply don't believe nor do I trust those people. They simply would not understand what I am going through and they would tell me to pray it away. It is such hypocrisy. I wish you could see my mothers medication cabinet as well as the boxes of diabetes injections in the fridge. I just wish someone would listen and actually understand what it is I am going through. Instead, I just get more shit, threats, stress, and terrible advice from people who don't understand this kind of disease.

And it just makes me more anxious.

Oh and I mention their medications because I am currently taking lexapro (just started) and my mom is so against it. She says I'm just gonna be a fucking addict and all fucking stupid and that it's a clutch or whatever. Basically she's against modern medicine when it comes to mental health, something she doesn't understand, hence the hypocrisy.

#anxitey #deppresion #mental illness #hypochondria #religious trauma #emotional incest

[carronpatrick]

Y'all I just. I'm gonna post the chaos here cause why the fuck not, they can kiss my ass if they don't like it. 😘 But unlike FB and IG, I can blissfully put a read more! 😂

So basically, I've had one shit thing on top of the other and I'm literally dealing with my poor mom needing brain surgery and I just. I finally broke down to the lowest I can go before I'm in the ground and stayed there for weeks and something added on top today and uh, yeah, absolutely the fuck not.

----- This was the public post, lmao. Enjoy I guess? Idk. I have friends here who I don't have on other socials and y'all all deserve to know what's been happening... For my entire fucking life tbh. 💀 -----

❗Access to my presence is a privilege. I accept the apologies you'll never give for my own peace, even the ones that are falsely given and full of excuses and lies and blame shifting to make yourselves feel better, but your access is still denied. ✌🏼

Perhaps if me expressing my feelings feels like an attack, you should reflect on why you feel guilty and why you refuse to accept and take responsibility for your actions. Y'all always told me to grow up - maybe you should do the same.

If you have a problem with me, don't call my mother to make her cry. (Not just the one person who called today because I reacted to a crappy behavior which excuses given aren't technologically possible, this goes for all of y'all who have done that since I was a child.) You've placed family members my age and in my same relation to you on your peer level, you can do the same for me. Come to me. I'll see messages in my requests box and will gladly give my phone number.

But also don't expect the same little girl who would keep the truth hidden to keep the peace. My peace isn't worth any less than yours. The little girl who was yelled at at age 5, taken off the will, and told I was not wanted, but my half sister was so she should stay. The broken teenager who cried and cried and begged God, please, I'd do anything, take years off my life, please just to change me into someone who y'all would deem worthy of love and attention and basic human decency.

I won't air y'alls dirty laundry, and unlike you, I won't make up lies or talk behind backs in refusal of my errors and imperfections - I am a human, I am flawed. I have made plenty of mistakes and God willing, I will live to make many more! But I also accept responsibility for them and learn from them. I simply won't accept being treated like an unwanted bug anymore. And that's truly how all of you have made me feel, every day of my 30 years so far.

You took enough, you destroyed enough, you have hurt me enough. I deserve better. And the saddest thing is you don't even see that. People who I should NEVER have had to EARN LOVE FROM. People I gave ALL my love to, unconditionally, endlessly. People who I will still love until I die, and still cry and mourn the possible relationship I should have had with. I will cry when you die, but sadly only because of the missed opportunity to be a real family and the apologies I learned to forgive but never received.

I will continue to pray for all of you every night, in hopes one day you take a look in the mirror and realize how far off the path you've gotten. I truly hope you are able to fix the poisonous parts of yourselves before you have to face God. I hope in Heaven, you'll be better, and maybe we can finally have the relationship you so easily gave everyone else but refused me.

I am finished with people who refuse to even care enough to ask my side of the story. For 30 years, I've accepted that I was the ONE person who you all deemed unworthy and unwanted and not good enough and I was doing something wrong, maybe I really didn't deserve to be alive. People who would rather coddle the person who physically abused me and taught me how to sink a blade into my skin and told me to kill myself and never has nor ever will apologize or even acknowledge it happened. Maybe you all are just stupid and honestly believe it, I'm not sure. But as adults, you damn well should know better and behave better.

You almost took my life from me at 16, you have destroyed as much as you possibly could for the past 30 years - I refuse to allow you to take and destroy the rest.

I hope your lives will be as joyful and Godly and fulfilling and wonderful as mine will be, but at this point there is literally not a thing you could say to be allowed back in my life. And sadly the actions that would allow it will never be done because you guys don't have the balls to stand up and ask questions and make waves.

✌🏼

----- and then I sat here listening to Look What You Made Me Do by TSwift and wrote this 😂😂😂😂 -----

I'm finally just... not sitting here, forced (just to clarify, not by Mom, but by her shitty family and most of Dad's as well) to stay silent and let the horrible attacks build up internally until I go off grid for 3 weeks in a dissociation zombie state because I have to go numb to survive and I cry myself to sleep and cry when I wake up and question if they're right and I'm useless and have no talent or intelligence and shouldn't be alive.

Nah, fuck that, I absolutely do. I deserve to thrive, not just survive in fear of the next bad thing they will drop. I'm not useless. I have plenty of intelligence and I think at least a little bit of talent. Not as much as my friends and Mom think I have, but. 🤭 LOOK, I have plenty of my own demons tearing me down, I don't deserve to have them become new ones on top of the old traumas they caused.

Oh my God, I never realized how suffocating it was to be an adult with my own social media and be unable to say even 50% of what I think or how I feel for fear of 'family' causing drama and fights and fear of not being the better person. I'll be the better person tomorrow, I deserve to vent to the few people who DO give a fuck about me. (Or just vent to myself, which is also fine tbh.) I knew it was stifling and damaging but like. I guess I just pretended it wasn't as bad as it truly was.

Like, I have Tumblr - which has been the one safe place for me for the past, oh, 15 years at least - but shit, dude, I deserve to have peace all over. No more secret 'close friends' posts, I can just.... Post.... And anyone who doesn't like it can just.... Not like it or delete me or whatever... 🤷🏻‍♀️ I can sing again with the normal fears that people won't like it, not that my song choice will create a power point discussion on what I did wrong by posting it at their family vacations to the lake or whatever.

Won't cause an entire war (which, FYI, they do NOT want to wage a war with me because all my skeletons are at my table in plain view and I accept and learned from them and know I'm not less for being honest, but theirs are buried so deep it'd basically ruin their lives. Never underestimate the quiet ones you abused for years, honey. We learn to become wallflowers and we remember every dirty secret.)

But, yeah. I can just... Be myself... Don't have to defend myself or Mom (or Dad, yeah, the dead man who can't defend himself now? Yeah.) against anyone because I said 'fuck' (the HORROR! A FULLY GROWN ADULT! 30 YEAR OLD WOMAN! USING A NAUGHTY WORD! THE SHAME!), cause none of them will ever see my posts again. I can post my songs/lyrics because I don't have to worry about the bullshit guilt trip over being hurt when someone hurt me. I can post just, songs I hear and like and want to share! Funny memes! Cute animal videos! Or nothing at all! Even my silence won't be dissected!!?! 😱

I can feel my feelings and like, y'all can disagree but you won't tell me I'm wrong for feeling that? And tbh if you do, you'll be deleted cause you can disagree with my feelings or thoughts or whatever, but you have no place telling me how I involuntarily feel or think is wrong. ((Not like, I don't have all the information and have a bad take on something important like politics or something. I absolutely welcome y'all educating me, just not for my personal stuff. I'm sure the whole 2 people still reading understand what I'm saying, lmfao.))

How wild, bruh. 💀

Freedom from 'family' feels weird, lmfao. Very very good but I'm just still expecting someone to screenshot my posts and send them to the family group chat I've never been in and talk shit about me and call Mom to yell and make her upset just to injure me. I'm like a rabbit just scared to death of every twig snap still, but I'll hopefully get over it.

Nothing like righteous anger to create spite to knock you out of a depression breakdown, right? 😂

#2023 #self #I may delete it but probably not

[babygirlsthoughtsexactly]

Its 3:12 am and really I'm back to fucking tired. These days all I ever want to do is sleep. Seems in serious bouts of depression my dreams are a much more enjoyable place for me to be. At least only while I'm in active addiction, because when I am not self medicating and l the trauma catches up to me sleep is a never ending nightmare. Literally. I must remember. I chose this, AGAIN. I am 100% positive my LO will not like this at all, but I guess I am going to enjoy my outlet until I have to stop. Really I just want to be heard, I am also important after all. Life is hard. I miss my mamaw and even more all the guilt that I chose to get high instead of visiting her to say goodbye or attend her funeral. I'm sure this is something I will regret for the rest of my life. So inevitability I've been struggling with her death and not having someone to talk to when things get hard. I have my mental health problems (bipolar, anxiety, PTSD) but the situation I am in sometimes seems like I'm drowning and I'll never get out cause I just keep jumping into the fucking pool DAMN WELL knowing I don't know how to swim. I already feel a little better. There are so many things I miss, my kids, my family, coke, sugar, a home, stability, affection, feeling like I'm worth absolutely anything. This time is different. Last time I was done fighting trying to get out and this time it literally feels like life or death mostly. My life is definitely unmanageable and I am without a doubt absolutely miserable, so why do I always want to get high? So much so that I willingly and knowingly put myself in such an environment because all I care about at the time is getting high. I don't even recognize who I am anymore. I used to be so full of life, so confident. All I prayer for the vast majority of my life was to be a mom. Years actually I had spent in tears wondering why h first husband and I couldn't get pregnant. Now , I have three absolutely beautiful children who live in separate homes because I can't seem to get my shit together long enough to build a better life for them. And damn when the numbness wears off I FUCKING moss them. Recently I was told to choose because if I wanted to be with him, then I was not able to have them on my life as well. Gut wrenching guilt whenever I'm not numb so I consistently chase that.. Even though every single time I get clean and start over I am absolutely happy.. Or am I? Definitely medicated. Christmas was the first time I had all 3 of my babies together in 2 years and I wasn't able to be completely present because all I could think about was getting high. I really need to call them, but shame is fucking real. I pray that one day I'll be able to be a permanent part of their life, but I still undoubtedly do not want to bring them through any part of the HELL that I am going through. Hell every single day I have to worry about whether or not I will be able to stay where I am obviously unwanted. WHY? Ending now my attention is needed elsewhere.

[bubblegum---bitch]

Stolas x reader: Breakup

Your phone has been ringing like crazy for half an hour, sooner or later they'll get the hint that you didn't want to talk to or see anyone.

It wasn't enough that you just came down from the first mental breakdown you've had in years, but now your fake ass friends were trying to talk to you, as if it would fix anything.

You should have seen it coming anyways. Anything so mind numbingly perfect and wonderful always turns out to be bullshit.

Stolas was suppose to be different. Yes he was married and a prince of hell, but you atleast thought he cared about you as much as he said he did.

All you ever wanted from anyone was honesty and trust, was that too much to ask for even in hell?

Moxxie and Millie were everything you ever wanted. Someone you can go to when things got rough, who would never betray or hurt you no matter what.

They had it all, so why was it so hard for you to have that too? Maybe you loved too hard, maybe you were too clingy or you were just not as satisfying as you though you were to him.

Maybe that's why he ran to Blitzø in the first place, because he had more to offer Stolas than you did.

Just thinking about how you caught them together made you cover your head with the blanket you were curled up in. You could still hear them in your head moaning and calling eachother's name while you stood outside Blitzø's office door.

You couldn't seem to move even when Moxxie and Millie walked into the room and saw you by the door totally paralyzed.

"Y/n honey what are you doing here? Blitz said you weren't coming today." Millie had asked innocently but soon realized what was going on right behind the door.

"How long has this been going on? Did you two know about..this?" You asked with hot tears rolling down your face.

"Y/n.. it's not what you think.. he.. they..we.. we didn't want you to find out like this hun."

"So you knew that they've been fucking eachother behind my back? That all this time I've been played for a complete fool while the rest of you said nothing?!!!" The anger inside you that had been dormant had boiled over and the only thing you could remember doing was kicking the door off of it's hinges.

And just as it sounded, your so called bestfriend and boyfriend were on the table top naked doing only Satan knows.

You're sure you cursed at all of them and almost killed someone, but you'll always remember the look of guilt and shame on each of their faces.

The ones you considered family and the love of your life had all stabbed you in your back and left their knives in while you bled out.

You couldn't stand being in the same room as them anymore so you ran. Ran through the pouring rain to the only place you felt safe anymore.

When you got home, you destroyed everything in sight and burned anything that was given to you from your former friends and lover and anything that remotely reminded you of them.

Thunder was rumbling in the sky now but you hardly noticed. It was nothing compared to the emptiness you were feeling now.

You suddenly heard loud banging from your front door. A voice was calling out your name but the rain drowned the noise out enough for you to ignore them.

Did they honestly expect you to get up and greet them? Were they that selfish that they couldn't leave you to die inside in peace?

"Y/n darling, I know you're in there please open up!"

That was definitely Stolas' voice.

"I need to explain it's not what you think! I mean, it was but I never wanted to hurt you like this."

"I know this is all my fault and I can't begin to apologize but I promise you I'll tell you anything you want to know. Please just say something. I can't loose you. Not like this." He slid down the door, he clutched his head in his hands.

The look of betrayal he saw on your face had broken his heart in ways even he couldn't understand. He loved you with every part of his being, but somehow he let himself be lost in the pleasure he and Blitzø have. He couldn't even remember when it all started but he knew that he wasn't doing it after all of this.

"I don't expect you to forgive me, but please understand that I never meant for this to happen." But it did, and now he was outside your door crying while you laid on your destroyed floor with no tears left to cry.

Hours had seemed to pass. The thunder had subsided but it was still raining and the room had become colder.

You found the strength to uncurl yourself from the floor and approach the front door. You knew he was still there, waiting for you.

"Do you love him?" You asked softly at the door.

"I.. I don't know. I wanted to figure it out but I never wanted to hurt you. But please know that I do love you Y/n, from the moment we met I've loved you, I'd do anything to fix this."

He actually sounded genuinely sad, for having been caught or the thought of losing you, you didn't know.

"Do you mean that?"

"Yes I'll do anything you wish."

"Then don't ever come back here. You broke my heart and this relationship is over. Whatever you feel or think you feel for Blitzø figure it out but don't you dare think I'll be here when you do. That is what I want, and I'm not accepting anything else."

"Please, don't do this we can fix this. I'll do anything else you want Y/n but I can't loose you!"

"STOP BEING SO FUCKING SELFISH STOLAS! You did this, you are the cause for all of this and this is what I want. If you claim to love me so much stay the fuck away from me. You and the rest of them at I.M.P can go fuck yourselves and I mean it. I am done with them and I'm done with you. So get the fuck away from my apartment and you better pray to Satan I don't kill you the next time I see you."

It was dead silent on the other side but you knew he was still there. He couldn't seem to speak after your outburst just now. Was he truly that selfish to not want you to go? Was it better for you to hate him but he'd still be able to keep you close?

He was use to having his cake and eat it too, so what you were asking of him was not only against his very nature as a prince, but as a man that loved you.

"If.. that is what you wish, I will grant it. I know I've made a mess of things, but I wouldn't stop trying to fix this, somehow I'll make things right Y/n I promise you." His voice was choked up now, he sounded like a wounded animal that was begging for help, but you didn't have the energy or motivation to comfort him.

"Goodbye Stolas."

You left him there and went into your room to escape his presence. He wasn't going to stop you knew that, but you were going to show him that you meant what you said.

There was no forgiveness for anyone to get and there was nothing that could change what happened. Not even Satan himself.

#stolas #helluvaboss #stolas x reader #breakup #Cheating #betrayl #Ep.6 is giving me motivation!!!

[rinstars]

pool party

pairing: suna x reader

genre: smut

word count: 2k+

tags: fingering, penetration, public sex, dacryphilia, size kink, a tiny bit of praise, degradation/humiliation, mention of toys, strangers/neighbors sex, overstimulation, multiple use of different names, kind of dubcon

description: when you decided to go for a swim in the middle of the night on the private pool of your apartment complex to relax and things took a different turn.

after getting through a whole week filled with nothing but paperworks, meetings, and deadlines – you need a good swim. that's what you tell yourself as you shuffle around your room to search for your phone and towel, setting it on the bed as you pick out a good bathing suit to wear for your little relaxing swim on the pool of your building.

it's close to midnight. surely, you would be the only one in the space, giving you the alone time you've been praying for the whole week. speeding along the hallways and into the elevator with your robe wrapped around your body, you feel excitement bubble through your stomach at the thought of finally getting rest.

you wait patiently, tapping your foot on the marble until the elevator opened, presenting you with a sight you did not expect to see. standing shirtless in the pool, with half of his body submerged into the water, is your neighbor suna rintaro.

the gasp that escaped your lips was unavoidable as you looked at the hard muscle of his abdomen littered with water droplets, his wet long hair pushed back from his face with a bored, nonchalant look. wetness started pooling on the bikini you're wearing, making you curse yourself in the head. truthfully, you haven't been able to release your frustrations for a whole week, so one could only guess how much you're aching to be touched.

refusing to look like a fool in front of suna, you decided against hopping back in the elevator and dismissing the idea of a swim. your nimble fingers reach the knot of your robe, undoing it before shrugging it off your shoulders and onto the floor. you didn't miss the way he watches you shamelessly, following your every move with a sharp gaze.

when you eventually dipped in the pool, you stayed as far from him as possible, scared if you were within close proximity, you would do something regrettable.

barely any light illuminates the pool, your bodies below the water almost invisible to the eye. an idea pops into your head, admittedly a stupid idea, but you couldn't ignore the throb between your legs. turning your back against suna, you let your fingers run from your stomach to the band of your bikini, slipping your fingers in and parting your folds open. you let out an inaudible gasp at the cold water enveloping your twitching bud.

you didn't move for a while, just letting yourself feel the cold water wash away the heat of your warm cunt. lost in the mild feeling of euphoria, you didn't hear the movement of someone getting close to you, the ripples he created in the water unnoticed. it wasn't until you felt someone grip your wrist from behind did you jump at the realization that suna must have noticed what you were trying to do.

wordlessly, he pulled your fingers away from inside your panties, tugging on the wrist he caught earlier. you let him, face flushed from combined embarrassment and arousal. his hard chest is pressed on your back, making you almost want to throw your head back and lean to him. he shifted a little, causing a hard muscle to bump in the middle of your thighs, making you to let out a disgruntled groan.

in your head, you thought fuck it and started to slowly push your behind to him, so your ass is resting on his hardening cock. however, cold and wrinkled fingers suddenly pressed on your clit, making you scream out. he slapped a hand on your mouth, pulling you closer to him as his fingers circle your clit with such ferocity.

"even the water can't wash away how fucking wet you are." he growls in your ear, nibbling on the lobe as he continues his torture on your twitching clit. you spread your legs father, allowing him to slip his fingers further in you. the pads of his calloused fingers reached your slit, pushing two fingers in it with warning.

"s-suna." you throw your head back, clenching your walls around him as he assaults your pussy with the repeated, harsh pumps of his digits. his tongue is latched on your neck, sucking bruises on the skin with his teeth.

"if you wanted me that bad, you should've just said so from the beginning, baby." he whispered with a teasing smile before inserting a third finger in you and stretching you out with his scissoring. you feel your legs tremble, losing the strength to stay still and standing, but the way he's ramming his fingers upwards keep you upright.

"you didn't know the walls separating us our thin?" he spoke with a teasing tone but you weren't able to catch on, until he continued. "you think i don't hear you moaning my name out as you pump toys in and out of your cunt, you fucking slut?"

you gasp, both at shock from the statement and the way he's fingering you knuckles deep now, with the addition of his thumb rubbing digits on your sensitive clit. you didn't know what to say at the statement. there's no point in denying something that's real.

instead, you rock on his finger, almost as if you're riding his fingers to orgasm. his other hand gripped your jaw, turning your face to him. you were going to close the distance for a kiss when he denied you and instead pushed your mouth open before spitting on it.

"swallow it, bunny." he instructs, watching you with animalistic eyes. arousal spreads through you even more as you swallow, eyes rolling to the back of your head in pleasure. he turns you on so much. you've been imagining his fingers in you since the moment he moved next door, the feeling of his beautiful athlete fingers splitting you apart.

you were about to release a large moan when he shushed you again, turning the both of you around. shock replaced the confusion written on your face as you heard approaching voices, eyes widening at the possibility of being caught.

"oh, you like that?" he laughed in your ear as his fingers started moving even faster than before (if that was even possible). "clenching at the thought of being caught, huh? what a dumb little slut you are."

it was all just too much – his dirty talk and long fingers fuelling your desire. your hips bucked for the last time as you cum around his fingers, coating his hand with your slick.

he retracted his hands away from your pussy but remained his hold around your body, facing the two other boys now swimming in the very same pool you're both in. you felt him nod in greeting as the others smiled back at both of you, noticing the way one of them stares at your breast a little longer than necessary.

they both swim a little closer to you and suna, starting a small talk you couldn't care to join in. not when all of your strength has been reduced to nothing just a few minutes ago.

you were nodding along to the conversation when you felt your panties being pushed aside, making you gasp when you realize that it is, in fact, suna's throbbing cock.

the guys snapped their attention to you when they heard you make the noise, asking you if you're fine. with a hard nod and a tight smile, you assure them it's nothing. with much effort, you feel the tip of his cock slip inside your tightening cunt, making you bite your lip to prevent a sound from escaping. in your head, you curse at the boys in front of you for making it way too difficult to act, but then you knew that this is exactly what suna wanted.

your harsh glare on the duo never faltered, not once, until one of them noticed and hurriedly tried to pull the other way, whispering something about how they're taking up too much of your time. a flood of relief washes over you, and the moment they're a good distance away, suna once again turns your back to where the audience are.

"what a good girl." his fingers brush the damp hair falling on your face. he angled his hips better before slowly continuing to ease in your little cunny.

you have always imagined suna was a big guy, from the way he's built and how ridiculously tall he looks. but what you didn't expect is that he was this huge. you have never failed to accommodate something when you're being penetrated, but half way in with suna and you're already overstimulated. by the time he's all the way in, you gasp as your fingers fly to your lower abdomen, feeling his tip all the way there.

"fuck, you're so – ahh, s-so big." you grip his forearms as he began slowly pushing his length balls deep. the coil in your stomach tightening by the minute as he continuously tortures you with the lazy buckles of his hips.

"please move faster, suna, p-please please." you beg him, tears lining the edge of your eyes and a broken sob makes its way out of your throat.

suna felt his cock twitching and hardening at the sight of your face, tears moistening your eyes with a pout etched on your lips. "when you imagine me fucking you do i go slow like this or do i split you apart with my cock, hmm?"

humiliation fills you at the thought of him hearing you get off to his name every night but you certainly can't stop now, not with his cock wrapped in your tightness at a public pool where people are also swimming. with a choke, "y-you split me apart your cock."

he didn't even need to reply after that as he pulls his cock all the way back before slamming all of him into you again. his tip repeatedly kissing the opening of your cervix, making you let out a rather loud moan. he pinched your clit at that, the other hand wrapped around your throat.

"do you want a show? make a sound again, baby, and i'll show them what kind of slut you are." he threatens, kissing your cheeks and temples as tears keep falling – from the pain of having to keep your voice down to escape humiliation.

the water below you is moving so rapidly that it's creating ripples and bubbles to the surface, paired with the squelching sounds from where your bodies meet each other. he fucks your cunt deep and hard, making you feel every protruding vein along with every inch of his skin.

"does this compare? to the toys you stuff your cunt with?" he taunts you, groaning as he feels you clamp down on him even tighter. when you refuse to open your mouth in fear of making a sound, suna pulls your bra down from your breast, exposing your nipples to the harsh cold air. you immediately trembled at the feeling, head falling down as your face contorts in bliss. you were sure if suna wasn't holding you by the neck, you would have submerged into the water already.

with a strained sound, you managed to say. "nothing c-compares. your cock is so fat, so g-good — a-ahh suna.. 'm so stuffed."

when his fingers swirl your nipples, pinching both sides as he pumps himself into you along with his whispered degradation in your ear, it was all just too much. you feel your vision turning white as orgasm bubbles through your body.

suna curses a string of fuck as he feels you squeeze the seed out of him, almost as if you're telling him to cum with you but refusing to let him go at the same time. "want to be my little cumdump, bunny? want me painting your insides white?"

you nod at him with eagerness, chin touching the knuckles of the hand on your throat as you cream around him one last time, releasing your sticky juice into his cock. soon after, he fills you up too. you feel the sticky liquid gushing and dancing inside you, trailing down your thighs as it overflows.

"no no no no, clench, my angel. don't let a single drop out." he hums in your ear before pulling away from you and placing your panties back in place after your bra.

you nod, clenching your walls before eventually collapsing in his arms from exhaustion. he wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head, "are we taking this to your house or mine?"

#suna rintarou smut #suna rintarou x you #suna rintarou x reader #suna smut #suna x reader #suna x you #haikyuu smut #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #tw dubcon

[genshingarbage]

Don’t Say Goodbye. || One-Shots ||

I am just in a mood to create broken hearts right now it would appear, this is just a few one-shots on a couple of the boys and my take on how they would act with there s/o dying in their arms due to various reasons based on the character i am writing for. - Mod Diluc

Diluc

The sound of yells grew distant as the vision began to blur from your eyes. The only sensation you could still feel was the tight grasp of your hand in the larger one wrapped round it squeezing it. Diluc was holding you as you laid there on the muddy dirt, resting your bloody and broken body on his legs. Cradling you like a new born while shaking back and forth, trembling in traumatic disbelief over what was taking place before him.

His eyes were swelling with tears threatening to break out and spill down his cheeks, he kept kissing your weak hand gently, each kiss being dragged out longer than the one before, shaky shushes passing his lips in a frail attempt to soothe your weakening body. You'd been adventuring alone again for several weeks away from Mondstat and The Dawn Winery.

You didn't think much of it as you often left for long adventuring trips, bringing back goofy and silly souvenirs for your beloved Diluc, you just didn't realise this time around you'd be ambushed by the Fatui on your long trek back to his winery. Having been unbeknownst to you fatally wounded, you managed to break free and escape, bleeding heavily from your right side, shakily sprinting to the only place you knew could be a safe haven, Dilucs winery.

You'd fallen to the ground in a crumpled heap not barely a few seconds after Diluc spotting you running down the dusty and dirty road. He sprinted to you eyes wide yelling as loud as his vocal chords would physically let him. "Y/N! No!" He skidded and slumped down into the dirt himself, tugging you carefully but quickly into his lap muttering 'No' over and over in rapid breaths. And now you were where you were at, the life slowly but surely leaving you while all you could feel was Dilucs gentle kissing lips and warming embrace.

Does he know how much you love him? Did ever know how much he meant to you? Oh no... the souvenir you'd found for him... you dropped it back when you was ambushed... he would've loved it so much... however likewise with him to you, did you know how much you meant to him? How truly happy he was that he'd finally found someone he could trust and give his life to. Had he ever even said he loves you back? All these questions that were going to be left unanswered to the both of you.

Still trembling he watched as your light dimmed in your eyes, leaning his head down he softly placed a kiss against your unresponsive lips, parting ever so slightly to rest his forehead against yours and whimpering in a broken tone. "I love you, Y/N" When he lifted his head back up he felt the air being squeezed out of his lungs to see your eyes were now closed and there was no longer movement in your body.

He looked up at the night sky, the stars twinkling so beautifully over such a devastating and tragic moment. Closing his eyes he silently prayed the gods take good care of you up there till he can finally be there with you. Lifting up slowly with your now lifeless body bridal style in his arms he began to walk back to his winery, his expression stern and showing no pain. But it was all a facade for inside he was crying and screaming to the heavens and hell for having let this happen to you.

"They will pay Y/N, I promise you. I'll see you again soon; someday."

Childe

The rain was pouring heavily, hitting angrily against the cold hard concrete, the drops splashing up and back down as they landed with such impact. You were wet and cold, but your body had been going numb for minutes now as the blood was leaving your body so quickly. You shakily looked round to see the last attacker being cut down to the floor by your one and only love, Ajax.

The unknown man's body hadn't even hit the floor by the time Ajax had thrown his weapons down and rushed to your side. "Oi oi, come on now, look alive. More will be coming soon." He let out a nervous laugh not wanting to believe what he was seeing in front of him right now. You'd only gone out for a little drink and joke about in the beautiful rainy day, you both enjoyed running around in the rain so much after all. He tapped your cheek gently trying to keep you conscious as he could see your focus leaving you as fast as your blood was.

He pressed his hand against the open wound in your chest; a pitiful attempt to try slow the bleeding. You cursed yourself for not being more alert of your surroundings when that man crept up behind you and ambushed you by surprise. He shook his head vigorously side to side. His mask hiding most of the unbearable pain behind it. He should've known better than to think it was safe to come back to Liyue so soon after having caused such chaos.

Why the fuck did they have to go for you both though, you were innocent from all this it was him they wanted so why, why?! Why you?! He made a soft 'Tsk' sound from his mouth as he choked back the tears while looking at you. You had little vision left, little time too, but with what little strength you had remaining you lifted your hand up gently and pulled his mask off. Wanting to see his face one last time before you're gone from this world.

Exposing his damp cheeks and red eyes to you, you were able to form the smallest smile at him. "Don't... d-don't leave me Y/N, please..." his voice was barely a whisper now as he remained stiff by your side. "I won't..." You coughed back gently, you didn't even try to sound believable with that; you both knew it was a lie and you were on your way out with only seconds to spare.

You were his everything, he knew you was too good for him from the very beginning, yet you was determined to always be by his side. He knew he was a bad guy, a villain, but with you by his side he was able to feel like someone's hero. You meant fucking everything to him so why did someone so pure have to be taken so soon. You coughed gently once more before choosing your last words carefully, knowing they were to be your last.

"Childe- Ajax, you're not a bad guy. I have and will always love you..." Your voice faded into a whisper and then... nothing. Your eyes closed and your hand that had been against his cheek was now limp, the only reason it was still in its prior place was because Childe himself had been applying slight pressure to keep it there. You were gone now, at rest and probably somewhere much better and further away from this hell.

He looked at your resting face just wishing you'd open your eyes again and say it was all just a big terrible joke. But that wasn't the case, however his broken and torn expression immediately dissolved when he heard the rapid steps growing louder. "There he is! Apprehend him now!" One of the guards shouted to the several others. He quietly apologised to your resting form, letting your hand leave his face and finally rest with the rest of your body, he was also sorry as he wasn't gonna be able to give you the burial you deserved, he wasn't gonna be able to use that ring he'd bought you to propose with, and unknowing to him, you wasn't gonna be able to tell him the good news that he would've been a dad.

He lifted up slowly, hair now soaked and water droplets falling from all over his body. The blood leaving your body had began to swirl and dance with the water pooling against the concrete as the heavy rain showed no signs of slowing down. His mask back in his hand before it found its way back on his face, turning and stepping over to his slung down blades and kicking them up into the air grabbing them. Parting his knees swiftly and getting into his battle ready stance. The mask made him look like the bad guy every one claimed him to be, but underneath was the most broken and tormented boy that they'll never know.

"I'll always love you too Y/N, I am sorry but you're wrong, I've always been a bad guy, I just... I tried to be a better one for you."

Xiao

The sky was ablaze, organe and yellow flickering all over, ember floating up and down softly. It was so hot; unbearably so as you were laying on the wooden floor of the top balcony at the Wangshu Inn, blood spilling out of you and soaking the wood all around you. The fire was growing dangerously closer, but did it matter now? You would be dead in a couple more minutes away.

Had everyone escaped the Inn at least? Was everyone safe? You hoped they were. But it was then you felt an instant gust of cold wind wail past you like a roaring monster and die down the flames that had been encircling you and drawing ever so closer. Your vision was nearly gone and it was hard to make out anything except the smoke and fire, but those blue oni mask eyes were unmistakable, Xiao was above you right now.

His hand was hovering over your cheek, still scared that even now he may cause you more pain than comfort in your fleeting moments. "Y/N wake up. Don't be defeated so easily, this is truly pathetic, even for your standards." Harsh words as always, you knew he was sad and just lashing out, his words were cracking and his voice was wavering in its tone. Was that a sniffle? It was hard to make out among the crackling fire destroying the walls and wood around you and his mask muttering and muffling his already quiet words.

Why did they go for you? They wanted him to become nothing anymore, to just slip away and leave the entire history of Liyue to them. Leave the nation built under Rex Lapis to the incapable feeble hands of mortals. He couldn't ever allow that, he refused to back down so easily. But this? Surprise attacking the Inn and burning it down while taking the only mortal who held something to him away? How sick and lowly of them.

You went to speak but all you could muster was a cough as blood spat out your mouth across your bottom lip, your time was fading fast. He swallowed down and removed his mask, a shake in his hand as he did so, resting his proper gaze on your form one last time, allowing you to see him in his first ever vulnerable state, tears slowly falling from his face, letting his hand slide across your cheek gently, swiping the blood off your soft delicate lip. Why did it hurt him so bad? Why was this reaching so deep within him?

All those times he'd sighed and disappeared to get away from you, all those eye-rolls to your silly jokes and huffs to your tedious and pointless tasks. Why did he feel an ache in his throat when he thought about how he won't ever get to experience those annoying moments again? What was this? It couldn't be. Had he truly fallen in love with a mortal? Impossible, but what else could explain this gut wrenching feeling he had swirling inside him.

Everything was crumbling apart around him but his focus remained on you as you looked at him with those eyes, those same eyes that often stared at him with hope and admiration, now they stared with soft kindness and fleeting wishes. If this was love then he wasn't ready to have it taken from him so soon, but what could he do except watch as you left this world. He gritted his teeth together and his hand clenched tightly round his blood stained spear. This was truly unforgivable. If only he had killed those monsters sooner, got to you quicker... maybe then he could've saved you.

"I..." he began to stutter gentle words out while stroking his thumb delicately across your cheek, why hadn't he just swallowed his pride and touched you sooner? Why hadn't he just admitted this to himself quicker and embraced you. You had always been there for him despite his many harsh rejections, you were nothing but kind and truthful, loyal and honest to him and now? He resented himself for not having taken the chance to love that he had had in his grip for so long. Your vision was gone now and your ears were following quickly behind. "I... Y/N..."

Just spit it out already, before the time runs out for you- "Y/N I love you..." he looked at your face searching for a response but you were gone now. The gods had given you all the time they could spare and unfortunately it wasn't long enough to Xiao. It wasn't fair. He couldn't even let you know how he truly felt before you were ripped from him. Tears rolled down his face faster now, but the sorrow and pain he felt quickly welded into anger and inner rage boiling at the highest temperature.

He frowned deeply, lifting up from your body, hiding his broken expression behind his oni mask once again, shakily breathing in with a deep sigh, the shake in his hands slowly dissolving as his mind set itself onto a new mission, he turned and walked to the banister of the balcony and swiftly lifted up onto the top, looking over the landscape around him as the only place he'd truly ever known as home was burning to ash around him. He turned round taking one last longing look at your lifeless form and then leapt high into the air soaring through the skies, straight for Liyue.

You never wanted this, he knew that, you'd never want him to cause a war over your death, but you wasn't here to talk reason into him anymore. He was never gonna see your annoyingly beautiful face again, and this was all Liyues fault. They had to pay, and if that meant causing a war between humans and Adepti... then so be it.

"Forgive me Y/N, but without you here now, I see no reason to keep caring for these monsters. I'll hope you'll understand when I see you again one day."

#SoundCloud #diluc #diluc oneshot #oneshot #fanfic #genshin fanfic #genshin #genshin oneshot #childe #childe oneshot #xiao oneshot #xiao #xiao fanfic #diluc fanfic #childe fanfic #angst #fanfic angst #diluc angst #xiao angst #childe angst #genshin angst #character x reader #character x you #sad stories #genshin impact #tartaglia #tartaglia oneshot

[bemylord]

do as you're told

「ᴏɴᴇꜱʜᴏᴛ ʟᴇᴠɪ ᴀᴄᴋᴇʀᴍᴀɴ」

warnings: bad!levi, unprotected sex, swearing, choking, gagging, degrade, daddy kink [captain kink], nsfw, smut.

word counter: 1.9 words.

ｃａｐｔａｉｎ ａｃｋｅｒｍａｎ

it has been a long day since you woke up. assignments from the captain levi were impracticable before surrender: disassemble a paper bale, sort 'em into letters, trash, requests and again trash. you didn't knew exactly what for levi the word trash mean to him. but you know that he has never read bullshit from the court. yes, he's respecting it, but again - his office is full of paper bale.

then you need to clean the windows and at the end of the day, when he'll be back you've to help him. levi didn't say it either what kind of help he's expecting you to do.

'brat, you've to be here at eight or else i'll make you to clean my shoes with your tongue'

he wasn't joking; you knew he can do that. a quarter to eight and you're spinning near his office, waiting for him. barely standing on your feet, falling asleep.

'i was certain you won't be able to fulfill my instructions, but you did, fortunate brat'

he sat down on the chair, staring at you sullenly. your blood runs cold, you stopped in the middle of the office, staring at your shoes. it's been an exhausting day, you're been doing the tasks since dawn and now it's almost sunset. you were ready to sit on the chair in front of levi, when he gave you a warning sign.

'did i allow you to sit down? you still have an assignments to be done' you're speechless of his rudeness. you just sighed, getting ready for new not less exhausting duty. you've got a feeling that you won't be able to training tomorrow, due to today's responsibilities.

captain showed you a gesture with his index finger: 'come here' and did without a word. approaching towards levi, your legs with difficulties moving, dreaming to feel your soft and warm bed underneath your body - one second, and you'll be asleep.

'yes, captain levi' you said, standing in front of him. ackerman unrolled the chair with him, putting hands on his knees.

'bend over closer to my face, idiot' your cheeks are covered with a pink blush, after levi pronounced that. it's the basic order: being relatively close to him. 'calm down', you mind said, 'he won't kiss you, relax'. when you did you, he brought his lips to your ear, scorching the earlobe with hot breath.

'undress me'

you're dazed, trying to reproduce his words in your head. udress? only shirt or totally naked? you've never see him naked. you've seen the outlines of muscular body in all of the years of his persistent and sometimes brutal training. but, will that means you're gonna touch his skin, his scars and smell his skin?

'did you not hear me unless you wanna get a punishment?'

he said that louder, waking you up from your thoughts.

'yes, sir'

carefully removing from him neckerchief; you slowly unbutton the buttons of his white shirt, feeling his chest rise. unbuttoning the last button, you were praying to god that it'd end, 'cause even doing it, just undressing him, it's compulsion you to think about the lower part of levi's body. when you finished, he took off his shirt, putting it on the table. you straightened your back, trying not to stare at his bulge.

'i said, undress me, cadet. i'm starting to think to give you another punishment'

before you touched the belt, swallowed nervously; your hands are almost shaking, oh how hot is he. the heat of his body is maddening, you can't deny it.

'how you're gonna take off my pants, when i still in my shoes?'

levi is rude as fuck now. he's always acting and being rough with everybody, but now he's too rude to you. you did every task, every fucking task and now he is still not satisfied? you wanted to say chill out captain, there's no need to rush, but the fear of having another task after depleted day, stopped you.

you got down on your knees, taking off his shoes. 'i'm only undressing him, please, i can't get arousal of doing it'. standing on your knees, you looked straight into the eye, with a mute supplication in your eyes, beg him to stop this.

'now my pants, y/n. take them down'

he said it with his deep and husky voice. you're done right now: wanna escape, run away from him, but you blatantly wanna know what'll be next.

to tease him? yes.

to run your fingers from his knees to the bulge? definitely yes.

you sighed, touches the belt, unbuckling the belt, faltering to touch the zip. you felt it. felt the bulge under his pants. unzipped the pants, looked up.

levi is relishing every second of this torture. he knows you're wanna more and he'll give it to you. he got up from the chair, still gazing at you with lust in his eyes, waiting for you to take off his pants.

slowly you put them down; your heart beats faster than always. maybe it's because you've been doing intimity things. it's so aroused. finally, it's over.

'i've a long day, brat, i wanna take a bath'

'you want me to make a bath for you, captain?'

'no', you mentally sighed, expecting that captain finally allow you to leave the office. 'wash me, i'm dirty'

you thought. wait, huh, what? seriously? he's certain? levi can do it by himself, he's no that tired as you're. you were reluctant to do his duties, when there were other people he could asked for.

'what if someone sees us in the bath?'

'i gave 'em an order to be in the bedrooms until the sunrise, no one wouldn't sneak out'

you got up off your knees, following the captain. you made him out to be your captain, your mentor, not a beast. he must be a mentor. when you both got in the bath, he locked the door for credibility.

'now take off the last thing'

it's necessary to be done by you? but, he's the leader, so you need to reckoned with him. you took the edges of the boxers, taking them off. you're trying to look everywhere but not at his growing dick. yes, you wanna see at levi, but, fuck, his cock.

you took the towel, soak it in warm water, rubbing over his body. it's hard not to look down there. you went behind his back, rubbing his back, ogling at him: muscular, strong body with littles scars from the past battles. light emanating from candles, showing his curves perfectly.

it's a curse - look but don't touch levi's body. only staring and choking from the pleasure.

'my lower body is dirty too, brat, hurry up'

so you back face-to-face with ackerman. you bited your lower lips, restlessly rubbing his stomack.

'are you scared to look at my dick, cadet?'

no, you aren't. you're taking precautions. you are cadet. you killed titans and you're still alive, and here it goes: you are scared to watch at yours captain dick.

no you aren't.

'on your knees, y/n, and with every rub you're gonna call me captain'

the hell. it's getting hotter here.

but, anyways, you want it too. wanna touch it and suck his dick. lick the balls and go back to the tip of his cock.

'captain', he's mesmerized by you: the way you gentle rub the towel over his body, washing him, staring straight into his eyes.

'i bet your tongue will clean my dick better'

you finally look at his cock. the tip is pink from your careless, your gentle touches.

'captain', you whispered, slightly blowing on his dick.

you knew that'll happened. you're gonna be on your knees, insatiably sucking the dick so levi will come in your mouth, breeding you. and every soldier needs to release the desire. especially the sexual desire. both craving to each other, but up to this moment you were just a team.

now you're standing on your knees, so your teammates will ask you what happened with you. what will you say? but, it'll be tomorrow, now you're sucking his dick like it's the last time you see him. unquenchably up and down, using your tongue, strocking the base of the cock with one hand.

when you reached down, unzipped your pants, thinking about rubbing you clit.

'have you had my permission to touch yourself, brat? i'm gonna gag you on my cock'

levi put his hands on your nape, gagging you, practically chocking, giving no breaks. humanity's strongest is rough everywhere, you were well-aware about it. tears begin to accumulate in the corner of the eyes: getting a bang out of pain and pleasure. it won't stop, you don't wanna it to stop, playing this moment in your head, scorching this in your mind to the day you'll die.

'i wanna fuck you raw, tonight, y/n, you should be dripping or else it'll hurts as fuck'

not it won't. you're acking for it, hungry for ackerman's cock. there is something in the ackerman's blood; you don't know exactly what, but he's certainly beckoning you: his smell, his manhood, his willingness to kill titans. it all in conjunction is maddening you. he quickly take off your clothes, started to kiss to greedily, biting your lips.

he hoisted you up by the waist, making you wrap your legs around his torso. the next second you felt like you were pressed against a cold wall.

'i knew it, brat. you've been craving for me, i'm happy it's mutually'

you didn't hear the last words, moaning to feel the tip inside you. one second and he completely entered you. huge, thicc cock. he increased the pace right after the first push. you're leaving the red patterns on his wide back, whining on levi's ear, kissing his neck, leaving a wet path from one shoulder to the other.

'you squeeze my dick so hard, my brat, you wanna cum already?'

'it's just so good'

'hold it, i wanna to cum concurrent with you'

you do as you're told. hold your orgasm. he won't last long, he endured too long, yes, he's strong. but when it comes to the person he loves - he will be weak only for them.

his cock is pounding right in the g-spot, making you melt. you've been a feverish french kissing since he went inside you. fat dick in the tight pussy, kissing the person you love - isn't it lovely?

couldn't be better.

'i'm cumming levi, can't no more'

you wrapped your legs tighter around your captain, cumming with him. he came with a little groan, leaved a dozen nail marks on your hips. he put his forehead on your shoulder, catching his breath. he let you out of his arms, kissed you on the forehead.

'tomorrow i'll go for a small expedition and when i'll return, i'm expercting you to be on all fours and naked'

'you're smug as fuck, levi'

'are you talking back to me?'

'i'll do it, captain'

///~~~///

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