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libidomechanica · 11 days

Text

Untitled (“Come attonce”)

A sonnet sequence

Which seems, had he thick and keeps warm. The sigh behind us notes to leaue to Will. Me piece-meal with ambitious by the laverock thy head, overpowering slaves of Passion groweth. Friends he knee might for us. Come attonce. For the desert all be true this fair as greatly came who were uncertainty of clay, without the Russian off, for if they heart of quality of Doris, and to come and venom- bag, and wore their view,—farewel! Depends all of glory die.

That nowe it away thee now, if my Peggy’s angels shine: if I were sure would be smother’s feelings, sinking the snow, despite of forms and rain, and changed me swift of sight; they may press or wounding to be besprent and came one, the bright deeds and fish, and some applause will not die. Yet I lo’e best, she said: Juan, I’ll be-’—Hold! Value, not a sigh’d downe doth fare ill on the charms. Then with flattery! He feel things that I am pierced the mought now the moon she saw fair tho, the away.

Fingers through art’s hid cause that his soul may yet either than from the Honye is my Jean, to stain his meat, thought not for the Eolian twang of spice and wore the Bosphorus, as in their uniform, I seemes but a young.—Unfolded flock, this pipe give restoring appeal says she are gay, in smile. Had made by looking of a giaours, the knuckles— they unclaspëd hand I call this mind destruction’s roar’d for her least around his proudly eye, or drop of this is some of appetite.

Her unwrinkled o’er the natural was her head’s unto that hear the sun growing I have bedde. Courtly tides, but Phyllis praysen babes the reason I’m no the light teach the praise—death of sevented the sun and looked back in my bruisèd plot which seemed to gentlemen in desperate seasons dancing, leap’d upon this prayse one Life is not been my heart is morn, with came to move you like a youth did knows nothing what will play thee dear Madam, to delays his head, overgrown with curse!

Sought which or what gets and east, by Aurora’s peering hers in celebration, and no greatest ashes’— why not, these extremes, globing a race of gore and writhe animal the bring thus quell, and curst such things that high is, in her soul would but let us from home without malice: if her deep waters, also, reliquary hand, seek’st the imperious, cruel. So I made up his horrible to the worlds, in time, O Seasons run? On these warr’d or the great Nature; and last.

Shine, begun to do more But Oh! Hee vowes not for the bloomed in the death! Grass and of tears of shot and for Phoebus watching you could emerge in the green. A second column made an instant spring a race, that the loud revels in the page—the ends, by wealth your walls, then I of your Venus, when it nurses teach him by a love-spangling phantoms with cheerlesse corage clung them so hand, or three living now than, sings and peering on their conductor tapping so truly?

’ ‘And dinna ye mind, what is Love? The guest and now being blades. Nor am I so dearth, in all the air clear days, suppose,—but your face, that is a slaves, and would deride any complained to give rest, which Lieutenant-Colonel Yesouskoi march’d, and wave, lies a Pumpkin why don’t know how you’llpardon mine eyes that overcast my dove of wine, with such my Love her. Of the plants both cast a glance on the cattle to see, and all through there. Thy sisters now, the moon shines, and then heart.

When you hence, and fro on which tame the blacks seem! Indeed he had put on, to prayse: but to that Boon lived, bound: nought’s glee had bough her guided always so potently? Is from where there’s the rain cling the whisk’d again, or drop of taste the hardiest chatted, or the soft lamp and drinks it alters wrath within the warmth and the chains where ten men, some stream here on they enterwove the gently,—for you. Own Belovëd, may be change,—upon mistake sequins wild of all hearts her fast.

By time or prayers thine, like a flowers budding did seems the military martyr’s grace which I have no flax they’d love you keeps me frae me, suffering you call in the warriors; brazen beaks and mark that Johnson came of clay, with white-flowers are expounds the thicket of carnal part, my mare, my Corinna, come against you a handmaid o’ the grave. Dim and petals most both bomb and blew his eyes find the spoons and little troubled with pity, for Cupid with little thou not remembering it done? My Corinna, come kiss’d the topic—but t was obliged to speak well or gain: the neck is crooked pins fill my lips imperial, or any false crimson cross me. Give me to be put an exquisite throne.

Thy azure robe, this, so subtile in the same as ye were lost these, death. Die and drew him be should troupe. Helen, then suppose than all the begotten in her breasts went with travelly sand to scream. Like sun soone instant fell from warriors tough so swift-footed Time, the main, not your sin, court, from yon brilliant such wonder, with another known to time, and left her waist, nor green boat, these Dregs into the crowns the dreamed of more divulged the bush, sing at this kingdom. With lily shores.

But I am crying: The Babe is but mine own dear Annie, bide! Let me counterpart, her bright dungeon corne, you are welcome, welcome to make up now and smile upon the wet dropp’d; but to reach, and strong in the boy, pissing age, repeyreth hoom from the reeking your tear, touch’d no lute, I say, I intreaty, Thread lost the chase their fingers on yr name on the wind blood again. And love, nor light, and brute, laughing voice before a woman once planned, known rusting, and behold thing!

And heaven. This monsters, so revealed, began to beauty of thee home. Besides,—adagios of island though the first—they shall be lov’d and we dead ere day. And at best that day my love head swim to the without more and cruel. Am I your face was snow napoleon’s foes until they by, and there roam’d, with white brow! And like a rocky marge, till flesh obey—the blind voluptuousness of the suffering of dulcet instruments, I am not all turn’d hate, deathless, my Katie?

Alas! And her lip kissing tongue- tied, speak; and yet truly saying and left me slender stranded until johnson, with windowsill some of hurt your skirtful of grand ponderous brere, from only hope, without resigns a breathe awful. The cover thousands or pence, keep back a pitty. The mosses that way, which form a line of human lived to stammer some eares great; a knaves, none can go; for he was in my brittle thou hast sent and in one enormous slumberous stem.

So much less he’s ta’en out as the women too; was more I’ll tell me oft to let me be by the moon grows tear that his foolish old house do powre in my bonny foot, doth flattery; but you in me die! I bent to heaven gave him hasten or you what you are lit up by gas. But o’er, and anon doubting they pass’d the common thorny soile to tie me dead from badde them let in me do restraine. So— But Fate the Skein of birth upon a rocket,—these cossacques pursue the hem of her rich pen expressive hermit Age might have died: but never silence, overpowering into your hand one another order place, dash’d one, perchandise, nor the name of men, motions where they tell, some hundred candle.

Into these sign’d to make breast. Pussy you all on him answer got she meadows from each other, therefore me numb,—yet forget to worke me travel tired of me and you scarce of recover you can, gifts thy lexicon of either lips e’er could but slight of the Firmament: many steepes his God’s head, I am afraid, and black distinct their days, where each planned, you saw me more rustling through the skye, sike word acknowledge of displaies vertues open; I fill win St.

And look’d to—But whence remember’d best may kisse, both in thy curl, it is prudence upon the body perpetrated ere day. Accent: Potent goodness, in exceeding base: now tell her lov’d three seem fairy- thing, once let the deliverer, how crystal. Clouds the other, old Baba, whom, O faith. Knew not— single lady in the windshield, and chain-smoke was thunders went unexplained thus my mighty crown freed from her breasts anywhere; ascend, or to whom those soul—the distill’d?

—Thou wast my door, which I still cut off your safe arrival. For scorn thinke on its huge hallowing; this trees go limp a voices of your latterly scans all the fault, seeming but it in our fields lie abed with a song the forests far awa! No harmefull bowre with her in terrors, glared o’erflowing, thou should take the evening-swift thro’ Nature in most high: see what clouds. Then—’tis then snatched away like Juan bend? Nature’s range there in lauish cups and death-dart; as if it well fare.

So go from Italy, than from afar. Under— right be chirurgeons like needs few favour or a cure, that all his trade, that all: but soon shall with sleep I dreams of folly of the sweet; her e’re. Of his winter storm-beaten. Were goat-legged buyers to tell: what the mere Christian foot; and the ills past, present weight back again. Why did ye not if he must lovers, corn of it though the sweeting; to their chiefe care of course of days that care; and one morn she seems, had slain by his whistle, an’ I’ll madly mesh, and the snakes in time, O love, or else unhappy spot for in life, the water, had slain by stories of purchase the taut hollow over to languish gloom damp awe and hide it, and at the deep, and eft did save.

But I’m the cast a Tangle inky white and glad, so costly wild and day,—the burden I bear, my saucy bark was what the intrude, keeping from his own slightly must, I thinks still it cast together. The boat on this grant the joint, and next his own destroy? Princes’ favourites that we can—you can, gifts thy pure as he turn’d to fetch his Friendship’s just defeat, to dwell in which the keen tending, who would but vulgar by his instant in which they display the devil’s den?

Thy bright and hit me voyage on gentleness the wind round a thorny sharks from what it would equal graced; and force press’d in true mind to continents, or as Anacreon old; no poetic riddle jimp wi’ a langer flinch. Cries, one chase their vices.—Nature’s a bolder to lord was in a river’s Tongue, and Wisdom be shine influence, this way said I although no tears had stol’n of bitter blast—thou wast my aching head. Do Well, your to mend you stilly me do restrain?

He is, was thine! That oft thy brother’s apron. Within his lines, in her bloody trace; robes grand a white free from off its tender, and right in all his trees of blood; make epic poesy so rarely trite old grieved him they can’t sleepe art dead night? My fingers the cut down; they seekes to be dress? And wha will outrageous past us Veil’d—but even yet remains; and have actually wrappers of the burthen let the crunch, and was here; and, when we once it open further, and hell!

In silent all! Bride on, to deceive that those Eastern philosophy; but with arms devour head?— An ill deeds the yeares spreads in disentangled, who lie in all the Lochroyan, go tell; but is to thee: I lay my door, but little: his place. Who make my sight of those who best being breathing blown; nor t’ other legs. My cue former might have boys no lot of his new, there, in my breast to the light charmer sings so much to ster loue of lanterns, or seek him shivers bare!

But where the time, and we went through thousand Powers from all the assault scarce compromis’d I forget the five build a bony saw, and sing the old house from hue-golden sand—and black whereupon the proud lady vntrue, my ship, to be moued toward to worse. As good to die, dear pig, are yet granted one but mine own descend to passions herself, which did the sea, between the sweet flattery, threate: let powre dicerne. But Juan was round himself he seedling; it too few toises, which hands.

All their prayers that atones? There lies, playing, sheikh, my desp’rate forgot? I said to its food I staunch, can not imaginations, because your make that glance wayes, but with his fairies thus he prophet’s paragon. Would Chloe want? Grows old. No lips must own heart. But now she knot. The Owl, You elegant extraneous mixture of blunt complaint of all over a shooting his tear that sprong for the art dead think, my maid half way: soon she sings of the Nil Admirari.

My spirit than with pleasure reign’d their landing lightning, leap’d o’er a perpetual dullness. But there he rush’d by on bamboo stilts, crowd, to talk chatted, sad, second was lamed, they vow to praysen babes do restraine emperish’d—his line’s boudoir at this extensive build a bonny ship, and strike me, youth was more to see that al was Nimrod’s head of Winter or Sommer tides, but soone might ne gang on darkness was, that if the rose conceding Youth, by Jove! For a cover.

Thy sister: hand once seabeate, wil ranke Winter strange ball the subtleties. Fair Annie, O Annie of nation; but in the city made the devil got we see within you to my great caresses, that’s be jocund white and might have made one time before them chaste me thus, my hand wait. Could not Love. Bent listen; ah, my scythes, or as sad as her face was his Desire. Men, something, a town, thou soone its utmost by times, wizard and duties could not blind and looking on?

Love’s safe and the leave thee to served up its heap’d o’er Danube’s stretched in soul. With unaccustoms of the Grashopper sphere: not Pallas bold who remains; small but Thee in all of Noise and our Heart the favorite old stone with hoarsest thou hast to this worst was also much as he ripened, and roar’d by the winters ruines cleerly, and I am an apology in bed. April perfume: it seem’d to rear diminishing Lillies, like diamonds now proude weede he breme winters, who his cavern, ’mid the blue wrappers in the common bulk, those wives, if you play us; we two hard upon the resist that when many a crystal bower; just as an earthbound crime is perpetrates in such tyranny. Brotherhood.

Even with the grave as eyes, and private places the vain, when thee, is trees feel palpitations, a people lotted, seeing them true to them, and east, as out to governe thy year. Thou art a dish for dogs, a little back-woodsman once thy fairest creatures, do just as a peeress, brought thee, and shook three beauty of bones like a child; howe’er the sea. Doth tears o’ joy. The sage’s prude to make a blacks seem’d, how I could her, in the sense to consummation rather dear voice!

Once she, disdain intentions in truth suppressions took his in her trunks? Warriors, and People, hither his darke but more have lov’d and gude stout and could suppose,—but you. Take the North pression ev’ry Lady would be hang’d by shrink from thy stocke: seemeth thou not seene to him; and this protest troth. Music, or broad, whom he speaks of her best ivory strange enough those babies in au’ and then if I did not yield yellow hair I dreams to employ, shouts, breaths at Hell, but yet, my Katie?

Claim receives, if the Lochroyan as if once so beauty, like each others gave live—and shake, and this old man nould love my labour, yet to espie? Fathers hold your eye I eyed, such an oath, must from thou wont to get into the lasting, as stern as Pluto’s sceptred terror and woof, were things to holds the bargain son, but could relation a gown of garner’d. Let thief sae pawkie is it? And in hand; those bodie bigger throat she saw them Mars, of giusts, Turne to come;—but none more that loue?

Grow deadly pale, he cried, “behold! But will now, and when he did, was the milky way, and the shoe or slippers in my ears, and they were thy love! Shawl, whose early things in this figure and strait of Writers must at there is a bubble droop, but fights are place of yonder glad thee steals into Flight. A third, nor perch, that finkle heart, while waxing coast, that glance of her doating touch’d the hand. Happiness of their rhymes as weather’d Indias of sway. My nets which something, and takes they will?

Some odd anglers hide them were once asked where without a beautiful pea green fields, and there is pretty, to him, for my thought, till those scoundrels, foxes to breath, to stone, developing by in total silent to repentance; her an’ a’ should given, for being feet emblem’d in that light insinuations;— but then let go. As never marks the piping my head up in saving sail, as none, is graunted quite for which cruddles of course, get up, and discourse have I dwelt in fact of sky where their soul at the louder grew Fondante d’Automne and if the door, Lord Gregory to thinking dolefully, dutiful is done wide a breasts, save of peace of dark. Whose eye could be broken heart. Suffering for gatherer.

My friendlesse Poesy! Of individually wrapped up the Harvests bene so cleerly, and gave,—I claim only am by love availed: he was said her fair. When the park is so nice, and pull outrageous; could every smiles, if they rise against thy estimate hear her looks asquint on my own with cease they should wild, vain. We owe to most. Sovereign visions find then heart; I said, It grieves me write, to worry him? Your place, a body to it, no hands the armies would be torn.

Was short. Your shore shall hell. A skull, a rib, a pelvis, is it, Shadows of every showed to scanne: he, were grief oppresse; vngrateful the figures seen glimmering ivy leaf takes her slaves’ chief to beat. And tameless and hell! Or anything is a king, and some more, bequeath us throned vnder hill I strove,—guess his honey dew. Love, when I pray; for hate the life in a towers budding back, so I cannot skill to slake my greater proposition of seventy-four.

Had gone, by one, had bene wynd. Lay the green enough they do pray, so thy more the vehicle, she is not shock’d at his chief, a loss of Lovers fair, is through pale, pale cheeks she infant’s clutch. By the immortality, and purposed the fires of truth destruction’s paws, and mother’s Eyes, and this occasions: not afraid of their stars. All that lure him, hurling eddies, and so the less fighting, and saw I at a wild wood: I fled the deem’d my tears were your moral model.

To me her down by a green borders of heart-beat godless gold; she rather girdle, as if you paid a transpired? Of whom all the Welkin clear day was accurate, you may have for superscription in thus far them; I will not her nose. Somewhere, if it may be, I never-ending some eares spring must stopped scorn, and ocean I could not care; then they reach’d throne aloof;—and some fragments camel-draught and less; thou leaves of repulsion to his truth and heards would shed if it on this once and strikes the first through the and glove than this valiant man kind love nor mark’d with herself with you, Mag! Tak down a musky Fawn of your censure; some hundred hunting from the white&thin; for Easter, pitying eye, that may kisse.

Whose ynne Penaunce, though my fancie, and the bumpers her cheek, and then, if my tears that ye care, which I have to chance, and proper time in my opinions of the sun; thou English murdrer now admitted to sing, leaving eyes that cloudes of your sunburned trouble thy Love is in the bottom, to sit down, and display’d a pretty milk-and-water was squares, so many words can settle troubled; when, after a row. Ah foolish fashion they wont deuise: the tears, taught; with the earth you.

As tiger’s jaws, and day,— the noise. Though to his insides are and hung like Love because on both odde and have touch upon occasions: not a joy! Headlong in ridles, and fast, the gray mosses that dreams. Thy Love dream-mothers, I am a man. Sorrows that swell; all their friends retired, you may be dispute. All the moon, the swell as snow-white and venom-bag, and play the children gone, beauty all its glowing, or me, thou not in public knew all excuse with pleasures move: o no!

And all that hope the wilbe wroken entangling mutual arms she heauens follies, none could rayse one another. Lit like one poet could do the grasp’d these they did! Nor blam’d forth with eyes—but here was give you. Distant loue? As they fled, approve while in the shepeheards without thy hand, on the monster, pitying creatures ensure; but I tel the power, was to amend the other not, kind read and break your lately scann’d, and great son to my pain; while some myre: such impotence?

Then, in this dart an image to another now occurr’d—it might, nought them nigher till thou leave me of the pity, and surfeit day my love ribboned watery glass. And such a place; for what slain by more poor wretch, go chide his thy shadow’s force it open fair, shining shade shine like an upper now, and hasted wings, some nodded to be replaced in the fading to his figures seene him after on for past scorn, and heave, and it too flinty-hard for one kissing at the Muses fit ill—a mode of busy through to stand, have for their city town, was wearing the bonny bower? As the true love I see themselves, and old Erse or a loftiest, a thing like one a small peopled city, with arts of time.

General Lascy, but owns the proper could not guess; but the bliss—my straight lead to no means defeated Things which seldom he variety of bed? A corner of pearly from a children so good old Erse or Irish, or industry had not to a chair, flying braine emperish’d them at the lilac gives; and wealth, a light vpon so fair was put to governe things matting canopy, and thou not dwell in dewless absolute exclusion form’d, yet I do claims of our arms?

I sue not found not leave me for you. But thereby your liberty. Such a groans, which no pen can give, and in his own scythe I look over the gift for thy fair leaves. That way, but then by a white Ohio town whims and the rang; the inconvenient; for beauty as they mightst thou place. On such meaning: nurses teach us better, and enter’d: first their bargain cling, go back, and shall Stellaes feete more there here’s innermost alone; at his miserye. The same small director?

And make church-bells, and drear flat hills no, nor redeeming ever is so melancholy. Was that the book I am with cypress on their peer, showers of Martyrs now drink that passenger everything, and roast-meats, a man to spare, averted half an humble at most all how the stamp of all the light once each surrounding understand! I found to passes, the TV flickering but waking sun of the charmer, yet at an hour. Which at the should kill thou now.

Appealing you now, rebels of both. And heavy with thy lass of times, reconcile his sad as plover’s prayse: but hereafter; present and go but it is in the comfortable and I feel you thrust into my life for me to ye, my lad. The floor, and out of what I and yet them fortune’s palaces, in ermin’d princes’ favourites the named her breast, robert Burns: can feel, he onward no more: and soon they are touches more sober light of thy wife, am I.

In writing carelesse Poesy. Are needle-points, glistening all that Diván which it may wax too brittle screwy fiddler from me, made her life is still come have not sought aske I, but a boyish kind thou look as yet. It was to show for both: which he counting time in much to save the might make simply weary thys humbled—and cloud, forsooth, tusk, and go down by a man’s breast, the bristling felt their verily, but who real wither, droop, and sweetness, in almost energetic.

—Bright-winged Childless with all desert roam; no thou art gone, and paine, ribb’d and lay before, and hang’d, however the milky whiskey in the softly so young, where to stone back. Love’s old blowing a deaf and demands by missing hazel bower divine influence, and rejoice in contact; and none five, on those babies haue, but the jet, which are Holy Land! And straight ’tis as blank to sell for which little dross, and younger even. Tedious too, but knew it. But her nation, flame?

In all the neck or not importune myself then there’s no though I shall carry ye. All creatures like a youth to get married: but there I can’t stopped for then the Russian army down, to the prime, and been; besides. Country merriment, aw’d wife. And Thou; if I—this Dignity of such an oath, who, whatsoever in the hours, will have turn will haue blow, disposed in me, that Love together. Or give some life in that sate upon you: and wandered by grief most pyramid.

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Unless to ducks and pilaus, through she knot. Lope to a grace upon your brains of Fortune’s friend, since nothings. A photographic kiss flashing dread to loves his mortality. Until ye try to thought legitimacy its struck into a lowly eye. The grand to take my stay! Then paye your eyes did enrich you all of care a form, by Baba smile can warm blood, and dare to Marmora with but then rising up. Buoyant as the senses with craft to scold, which breath of dark.

You were sure your would pay. Through clay struck from an aspect of smooth armes full struck his was obliged to slake my great a glimpses of all heauens did standing close-stool so calm; thought so heard with no redeeming the song. All was a conquest fool much seems to encumber’d best mast can see a fattened bee: all that for all such an eagles at hand in the hils of a jealous pilgrims made of refuse door this, ’ he cried she, disdaining and this brief even more freely, as it spring.

’Er the other, that straining, banished this post: so subtle snake, bewitch’d the Eolian twang of that their numbering what is this globe—few, who expense and dread watching up with power at his elements. The regalities I love that mast can see now is it? No two memoirs upon my sheep doth find, when we should surprise. Plenty; then he slept. How bragly it be foundations that the lea, my nets would love simply wears ago; and always on the day, poor Cynthia!

This mien; and shell; ’tis wont, conscious hues, as has been sail, as now, if matter the steps, on the same still he slave it is death found, and many never holding onto the Justice to a light on the Brere: for now I enuy you trembling crowd of sublime attention to see unfolds, disclos’d to death in martial fact and as my true, were been knows not in me disarray into the victory is will see unfold thee but dearth, we see or sung on such scenes— though the Pope. Whose the woman next meet witch, my name has express of which the Bust and fight windows, and ravishing of mercy, Goddess Cytherea! Us canonized for an agony, mutter’d forth sweet, and active as ever looking his face.

And clear rime, and then houerly things do not like this, ’ he sang with blood. The rest but she was not to faileth one little, did strip your quire: sing and carved in Lilly white robe there’ll build a bonny ship, to giggle. Married next day by the passeth sorowe, and have answer Ribas’ summons the phrase—perhaps mighty deeps, the lusty greedy thirst for an agony of that I love best to fall, so much of one by line, there, here a word I have price of busy common-sense!

My life alone the tears must all a slender stranger-youth! Rarely, seeing heart, they vow to pray do that I have my prayer! Of the loue to blessing-room, little helpless to pick it—for him down to each House-top ill affronts a Neighbour’s Wife, draws his bow he him caught vpon a day. Or swans upon’t, believe thee with breed, till a husband Johnson: Neither; and there dost daily logs of thy charge or suited thus is Glory into you occurrent of four dozen in wild.

Kids had made her ear in the Bust and prove, the stood by a graced; wherefore me full of a young lad, who thus cruell thou now. While Endymion star thrown to your to consummation to pray for as aspire, for you may’st place, which he counts mines, time she storm an ancient fiction, and in our present case: up Johnson said, as begotten in the raine the mansion seat off a marble urn, so you gavest it, to quell one hand grains breathe death is foe to frown of what’s far to his Highness’ sake grieved in their line;—but themselves away. Horrid war-whoop and then, if he bore it into my foot, doth wilfully on him, and paved God knows who blush like small dispute with a window— and that in the great wink with the Cynthia!

Bower over since I here are the thick mist all count thou fill though pure lovely chasten when thinks and althought about; then, with her pat me far more such my very battery of my limbs with came on the Bosphorus, as before the cape’s wet stone; she hath heart I know how near his own partial stoic to his Hand—pray’d—his Arrow flew over the currence. They were a pretty miles where he knew thy courage was ripe sheaves is false subtle gestures of ground-worms riot.

Yet I doubted not blue, thy friend! The light, star kissing which quarrels burst open they tell your millennium, you are not him sit on the deliver’d from this Ambition! Return, some skill, thou were their cries, tours, when the lady, it is fit to be Lord’s, seeing Two who do swerue, and I am sure would be lost both they perish’d or at lease—but promised. And in his whole ranks of glory to the ceremonies and forth eche flowers; ’ except to roote be enviable.

My day by thy power of Joy renews the rest, which must his faded, and Debt, We shall not see’t? Both time servile shire, and labour to my heart droop their pillars, like things that I have now had scarce past; for here? In Oriental place of herself, Is he pursued these have laid some high and you ask’st if I could be sent a death? Gude nicht and thought a license and we adore intellect, because or hands on mee: why should tranquility: full mankind one obscur’d the blue plums.

The sea of slaughter. What is to track, like the dove, when desperate head, before these black boy all around— But when my seconds in a life or delicate mouth was circumcision, avarice, pride flowers; corruption to a complete the World came along the fruit of God, or a bride, ride to lions slain by solemnize the advancing not, and an ear in truth had dread? When we once foil’d, is no more, and deeds to steele had it not, wish you epitomize and for thee.

No, thy fame to me: from Glaucus held him that soul can restore the stars for everywhere; and from my eyes seeking your name foremost, offend; the feel for things were ensure your laugh, and on this be errors manifold divine, close by a tailor’s wife of Beauty scarce once met first wife’s dying Locke, as in his whispered lower that little sermon. Which to stab herself, which is when you county balls. You are. My sleeps in the tail—a taking looks directly for his Friend!

But she may seem a fault is you sit, and her large dark lair of thilke same Hawthorne strong, who caper her bore those for duchesses, dark-green; for inspiring something lutes; notwithstanding, and is myne forget they slay, more so truly I’ll come from the Veil may; then happy swain, they with not for purged by and fault of our love glories are gay, when they blunder’d it, and heaven. We’ll abreast—my eyes, a shilling snatched the city’s take their honour mouth wit, having come naked is young man in all is not vain: I find their own whims, had a banish’d. Or any length he state, and lively bright, a mistresses; just as my them, as brisk and left to every far! Is it down on Nature, gladdening lovers’ souls, who live.

Except her way which I breathe ten hundred hunting from mine, whate’er it leanes amiss. With love the Seraskier defended thine. Perhaps the dubious found my body is, and wounds less gone, I’ll speaking on all; and a poniard piercing traveller: for fear them pitied be, purifications mighty deeps, the savage minds compassion, avarice, Vengeance bereft, nor Dog Star so indeed he had, a Mirror bade the grows pattern of love hates me, that glance and pine.

Then Love, for their rifles. Laughing orb declined quite disallows troth- breakers when blush backward: the cars willed in by missing among greene corners of tickets, or myrtle- tree grown: of foes until I see whate’er is ogled by a blatant love hermit, even as he life seem’d, howe the first were, if you say, how bragly it be for Right; today as I want between sent a moon-beam too bright pull him away! I look about thee in thy foot’s glory to God who remain.

It was, as is an attic-crib. Fair tho, through the pleasant riddles of old. To its nation; but with such a nod. Fix how he’d once the same to truth comes his innocent because they, now moved somewhat the wind.—The slavish’d every land? And now, tenfold more the fire was never companied by vanitee, and mark thy choysest Art, and thunder; for I see the String like a child, or Knolles, with simp’ring the lions in orderly, carefully, wearing of meditative place.

My light in closer—one day is pale: thou art the heart with a work night your believe me; here am I, that you please: kissing said to its nation; and the Bashaw was your rusts, Turne thine. To raise anticipate then the ministringent quality of Nereids were I see all motions, because the South to stifle his heard repentance for supper so polish old her clere voice extremely strict, and blest with our slender pipes may be said, the while I placer of my chin.

You keep silent march’d for the deep despatch, for lustie Loue in state: whence to walk between the voice cry Is it, ’ exclaim’d: this sharply: Strike doctor to recite what a curbside pool. May live: but true love-tokens pass’d in this old worshipp’d—the gods he would creature, when life, makes thee! Here War forgot for a hundred years, and surly Winters wrath be Strong; and all around the look on before, the lady may’ress pass the high Poet! To employ his wrath, and oh, it mustn’t been grieves as if you saw’st yesterday my heart is a bubbles milky way. Rebels of Ismail, as if in my breasts. Pray, a sleep to clarify the lassie, fair and I, whom you must against my heart into your fancy endanger, which once more.

I am the world’s false, that want of love-tokens that the moat, still round him to be person thro’ the park what none could do if run started backward glanced the thorough-in my wallet to look up and the vaulted, boxes everywhere not my heart. Thinks, it may be unwrought; but, where her life and we not for hate the other puzzles mouth. Until they are quite a brother not the fifth, while her first it sings at the small, your her hurt or fear, love, so shall into the leaves away.

Her protest, as the lace, and watch. Birds of Sanscrit, and hide you there’s nothing was to live. Chloris parent, pale an army defeat, the world, you hee’l leave a passion curs’d the strength he country ants to his Heart, that the wide blue eyes on. To West: whilome have lives o’er thirst for ever—ever dipp’d fortune as we said, sheenless man of mud; they will bedight, life-disquiet as a small, your eyes on Orcas Island off the you keep silent— the winds which for Annie, dear Girl!

And graces stark mad; all feel my playmates; shape, that, unconsciousness and for a man joins a woman, as Ovid’s verse may be present the harmless snake, that Ill may thy flocke was old. Which should stripp’d Fate a thousand swear I dinna ye mind. And one merchandize; I barter curl upon the Asian steel his grownde, all feeling charge vniustest with gentlier-mightier breast sometimes it may wax too brittle sermon. Now drink, and brought say Jack, ’ for which oft you are nothing warmth, of dark.

And my father once lost. Whose who for any fat bawd, in the bitter as they were my right lightning ones, few or many, to company.— His Eyelash staid a moment, to furniture and gone bastion corne, you witch nor would they who beheld a candlelight, then came John Johnson, with many a mystic Shape did lie drown’d. Thy eyes may repent high: see what Art mean, you made a face, four was the past their arms outstretch from Heaven’s gate into a patient with a desires.

Or her blood still the figures hurrying branch. And laughter’s pink corduroys and still becoming us. You, a kind of love there few days when tis much to me like to live. Hung swollen art exercise her face! Slow sad—and cloth to say. Choose a few shine at morn was come to painted her—must nighting where I leave a black snake. No means so overlaid will pour from Beauty slumbers flowing in the sent: the garden; thought. Of painful angles with your child-bed. Each others love!

As the poor choice. And my mind worshipp’st at his gewgaw castle shire, and in her beauty, flatter thither little birds of the fallow, thus my mother’s sight for the o’er the explores all nights, dawn, late espouse with fatigues the new-born goddess was tinkling, I desired his joyous all should it not sweet; how so nearer to the evermore— we sings, or three beauty’s pattern to some suit her; on her boon of their propinquity to Neptune; and face oh looks familiar.

But let me tell which, in which the Prophetic eye of half Mussulmans, who have to save them last. Are Holy Land! And woof, were some honey- words tho gan to silent deep through the springs of none. Then up he pointed the hitch better; thus was open’d to pitie my deare. But thy bower kept, as gales from palms to be put up forever. Her he gan for the dungeons on intellectual breezeless was pleasure. Knowing with dancing o’er, and to you are we goe a Maying.

I lov’d three figure and dead, scatteries solely, and laugh. The sits those whipped by Arseniew, that little. To bursts, and see thee chameleons, cities new, changed not with blue flames of his State, how he’d had it any been the page—the ensemble at most cherish’d of his antique tongue still are touches. Thine age asks of bronze, and in a year and through all night that present stuck in bloody Mars not flow’ry thorny brake an ignis fatal pool, thought up in the power that the meal.

Features, until heate, as doth wilfulness, some strength perish’d—his noble sensation! Resign in mischief is in her race; robes looks transplanted for being mass who cost die, and speak upon the sad, second moonlight, star kiss. So Juan, and we drops fra my chief of painful an enjoying half-pay for me: Love love him, addressing hand your sin, into one pink corduroys and found sees but a friendless could deride any corps, till wandering on their lover, and Lovers fall those nobly delicately I sing, ye joyful and each one famished died all around. Were pitying my sad lute mid the chameleons, cities prone, as is there, and wicket flame, was just as well—and in love him weary night.

He bade me and forth a love-tokens passion in her fast. Wonder wand. For superfluous sorrow only they call heart. Why wardrobe, and too tall but those diapason knell, this rusty to frame the slavishly are hints as the least I will believe a work is done; I have sultan, ’ as the portions, his petticoat, he trees loosed shaft in mutual arms bared boughes my way. Sheikh replied the Sheikh replied one of her strange saloon, much into a bowl. I touch her breasts went out.

Tones of happiest amongst they strikes that I and you love and huge jaw of nameless contrived the night’st helpe to her than of electric blade—the thunder’d upon her side, and mistress, but Love is instant, still haue no common air. It flash’d always fire, like disguise with too much however much more, now crystal bower of the damsels were reclined his feet when he did lye, and beauty in the hope, with softer me for the sweetness, no praise Lord’s, since you are maidens of many dayes runs throbbed thy perfections, his joyous all her one, in my breast may mend, and snaw; but the silver gleam; the conferr’d, because be of trees! Look whence I heat the Youngster’s distinct their melody was here, not only my flowres.

And since on a joyless a Son? Master the water, to his rebel tempest, travelly sang; an act that Face will of a parson: what gelid found then pleasure, fluttering of your strife to usher tongue: on both we suffer’d monstrous season’s child has dived the grasse now gaze open’d to clarity of bones to resign’d to Juan, who had died all these words of youth dependent lyre; then condescended that make thing or Old Master’s charnel- house with my God. At once. The door!

Esteem me, and season my soul contradiction brilliant kids, fringes, lace, the body. Charms, and they wont in such is similar to the sword in the one whose lips e’er compared for thee who sat at once against thou toil our own dear-purchasing case grew drunk, and freshening both we are the took. Yet, somewhat the boats on the even thought aid. At lengthy lewd tale had my heart. His harshest vengeful can harp, and be once more consciousness of war’s merit it by no end, doth teach from human eye: for why? Where displayes, and such-like fruit, o let us goe, whilk the rhymes. I wake to move: for tricks the wayfaring or a debt she e’er pukes in, ere in lately from the feast; still the fountain-bars: and, ample storie. House.

Think what if he spells and my fancies shed if it cannot burn these things at times good all my arms. And pain with sugred sentence in her off fowls hae feather way, she obeys; let fops or for the proper frame the latest hearts, O beauty’s effect with its most fit I plunged goddess bent, had He the strength he felt the world may have brought my mind the weary broth of moan, and long whirl around the door through the object find outer world of those have gazed around, and shake a Helen.

And the hand; but she wild Yuie twin brother for the deep waters and heroes, which grows of her side; and wished died in my store: theeues thy perfect translate! One Night tracing you vomit the charge or industrie: of force dost wake up now a window— and now be but a shadows of your face to win, to the thou find you wilt send; it was child of that jealous Frenzy caught see the cap; in fact, I put you never having goodbye, she rather came ye muffled her eyes seal’d in hand.

My feet we’llbe took a little pat. Passion, some travell’d his white as Swanne. Give me their backs on to my e’e, to thought quit your good. Night that fell on these, death-wound, and east, as coy be with their owne smart did encroachment when only fix’d, that e’er pukes in the leave thee a thorns did stand beauteous mixture on the states, and Charon’s son, but when we caught send; it is my desolate; love, and down upon him when contents, as the Russian army here. I am too fierce though they rich paine.

As largely disputes of the raisèd up her hath its with labyrinths of my mother known; and hath spent: tho pumies latch, when night; today I really love of pleased to insulate the new-bough, or hawk, or as he each shall heauenly Stella loue. Then, dear and suddenly lake, and hand on his hour-glass sand—ah, ripe for you in me die! Of heaven is the nice admired, just as a husband’s press’d beyond it spry cordage of the good humour, which stone shall not concern: his lips at once more true beautiful embodied stormes, his Desire. See how it better for Zinghis inside to quite words they enter’d: What love’s father hair. Three Ghosts, and no more a jury here they seem to see that’s still routes to gatherer.

Home to be borne into her too. Only for help us; slaves we callow eagles at the fair eyes prone, all mild reproof darts, O beautiful. No leaf will go by. My heart all building on such as men happy! And she and down into sweet year, in martial fact that lately. By spirits told this palm, like that is, no mistaking; a woman is sweat. To her, which proue. Full sighing pass; thou will, a much to bear you? A gaudy taste to thy great deep-disguisèd heard, tel it not.

Burned in the stormes, his feet; save hellisht with toil, I have another winding-sheet, and, as the sea. Ere he was no deliver’d strait of tune, ye, who dislike one would exprest may win perseuer, that he through heere art dead? This singing Herbe and straine, seeing, from this toil our mind, love’s coming fruite is, whate’er set off a cry, no sword in a little thou binna she, and carrol lowde: which robe I did not resign this valiant Tartars and when you stand the devils, and bird a-wing ….

And ravish’d me then as in a fowling: she felt only fate, so subtile is, crept from good interknit one’s strange, and people comes their home, and see that all! Where is a country and graced; but words of these labour tongue of height o’erpowering there music of Passions from fear, opes she nane. It scarce all deserts repay, for then in with flatter, or as he throng: with thou hast the babe and thee of him borne strong and shall fit and gloves me on the multitude, chewing smart.

Rolls off in thick up who had slain with breath. Lo! Which made them, as you made sugarcane sweetly shilling in earnest lace, one little palpitation, when she halter was bells of Ismail’s stubborne King, flashing Lillies, like those bodie bigger that high is, in their pride, couched through a door in no more; with no blossomes fayre their terrible enough; but that bears must not Woman Old; she has done: around there, none admire, would be conversations of shut eyes upon mistake?

Now conscience-quit of claret, sad years or cupboard niche and the paired butterflies gloue. Was just as must be scars which but she was gone not the ball the devil’s den; but what I too may you’re rights mightiest. And He shall I tell you still would hurt doth endorse his world of this be designed, a harpstring slavery in three more spider’s rattles. The gracious music we know nought see them let it once, O beauty only this first kissed feel, by it, if thine was blows thee these point out.

And the thou found no leaf will contrived all early thy plight. Her eyes were alive enough, God knows what I that they pleasures of wild air; and never-ending under yours was given to the rivers meeting snatch, as is the post, to put it in a cold walls off San Salvador salute that joys, Civilisation if that we can be borne King sun. Like the melancholy merriment, often it better, and for the wink, then, can my affection is not a silent.

Hall-garden rush’d, which at through billowy-bosom’d, overpowering mercies healèd me, and that’s one her demeanors motionless, but like hail, or fresh ruffles of love.—And yet if her state, majesty she a moments light o’t gars me, most vile, who can trackless smile before! Chloris is going one world slowly eye. And they should I ad more say, is thirst for gather for fear the body were my right if it my flowing, or me, and if it went across the leave you love?

Some slight of thy wife, of all lover, it pours such a children birds, pursues her on the Book of half your old apace, and those worth gives each strange, and other hamper’d, when up he point, a morning, but when the Sunne: and buds of sunset the House-top ill affronts a heaven and how so near.—The volleying round, and scatters, and swiftly filed, already eggs, because no doubt he is not enough of both juan and things: old rushes, illusion to prevailing; it too grossly dyed.

Grieves from the door, which Hesperides, that the Lord Love! Vainly through, God know it flow’ry thou art a relief to the gazed around is not thinking about me out to rise, ambitious matting on the truly?—An ill death-wound, and Beauty’s part museum of the dark eyes do for a daughter’s Doings such—the road throstle’s ghastly with tough—thus sea is the verge of fear, opes shed an urn of tears the daily proue, by reason. Hardships which in fatal to each lightning.

Her blood, gave a sight more last link with his compasse weighing, on the open’d in exceedingly exclaim’d, You see the day did I rove by bonnie Doon to see if I weep and did ye not a brace, not the filching red, the sceptre of mind? Pride, whose accurately grew in yearly goddess was appals, but with gory commonplace on her spinning. And left and balconies and I laid; I love begun, shine again because no doubtless groves, as must follow hair away.

Or up the might honour of their condition.—Earth—water—fire lives and Created, Juan walk’d by their choice. In delay their chance, who had got: to feel for there the louder as thine: see how shall still the Welkin clear to thee my lad, the ceremony. And I would not borne? The law given up with a Wild Flower of Chigil in Turkestan that sometimes been the day with your own destroy’d. I love is, whate’er itself shall we first, but false matter, a woman’s hind feeding.

Was here, that love love’s safe and drove their brutal yells, without what dewly adayes runningest he that laid in my words which buys your fate all. Surely the din of our luck the sea, but an instantly with the king with his bending wave, with sympathy foot the new-born forest, nor am I richer face something like to tie here. As more serious as thus could contrast the fruit of the Muses, sleep become as you made the very fine, whereto all the bush, listen!

And strong, it must lead to her husbands in the sea is cravings: and no unerring upon a rock of all her maids and drove that gold? You are at faults, not one of yore: as hags hold mysteree, and then worst of life, my childhood’s faith derides, the nose, with a sort of quest is; how you ran away, and sigh, to try the little captive from whom the winter with the pills like the savage overcast our spring, a lioness, a loss of thy strict, as Venus rose much famous flights!

Her his shaking fatal to be but a dread of none. Glaring in wars or comparison to creatures all that the battery, threw herself, or of the diamond gleam slants both shew beyond the shining and dew upon his Eyes, and gazed on delights are not much of gladness! How light. The small perpetrates of navigation a good old man apartment in which you still that light. Beat the black eyes their music breath, who, when we next day by thy lovely, thank’d, and sair did she?

Would devise a new one to coveted with that Memory. We chang’d, nor times a bleed at this bent on my opinion, pale, and best, for being arrive and thus did so of those shown even the great war with a hole in honey’d fifty rubles roome, no lights for young, unwaken’d her do straying the million, which Lieutenant-Colonel Yesouskoi march’d forehead hopes to arise but spared staff she stone he kiss’d the skies are onward with what we see or seem but all heart. ’ Replied think me sore encreasing from dull repented he country house to great winds which may you’d pinch the offer’d hopes to tell no more on earth; and still to me. Why should come brought, where you knock on my breath, I tie that’s free of the puddle greet!

And levelling. Few Beads are grew my tongue-tied, speakers when there, war, pestilence pursue the font: each shell served me? Oh, never storm it pass. Fleet as a maid: ’-he paused, and live to stoop and after a star into the hear this, angel air, nay! Which I still have dance. Before my own beat through bliss of them against each other, breath issue. Helen, their eternity with affright, sincere as fast as special person, if the dye of gossamer you sticky glass sand—how few!

Myself this abject of thy fame and tried my eyes so witty could stag she know, there fights she rather that nowe no more he stood a beggar and fresh, or fresh you pondering of each others cause thou were. A quantity of silent groves; Olympus high; but my bed, the gentleness, he might I have name of trump and the cheefe: then to her locks, according the weighs argosies,— as purpose, and wipe my lips beings, Roman soule was bound as twilight another steady breasts.

100

Whistle, and a dark eye grewe an ash, and home, the Grashopper so politics. Clean body, youth’s red boughs; I water bathes of heart. Of gems, and not suffer the ground; one from whence this, however I may piercing trade of Potiphar, that so specious stemm’d, aw’d wife.—Dearest, when, stupefied, as warm in her sex’s shame hold as airy boughes my watery glass of the louder roar’d by time than wise; strange the toes, it will not being from whom the rose’s dying dawn to love.

101

On silly me do no less gold. One’s half-announced around; now, if my Peggy’s worthless for all thine: for which really durst put to us, and flyblow in a dreamed the think I heard a noise then a wakeful rest. What gets met his sorrows, the hardiest overpowered into that which paines with graces that work did fetch in May. Past which I would be queenly were ripened, a youth, by his little less it shall light, and puff from ignorance all, whose who draw his man!

#poetry #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Markov chains #Markov chain length: 6 #195 texts #sonnet sequence

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dashawfrostart · 6 months

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This Week In "Time & Again" #2: Gettin' Technical Here! 😁

Now, since all the vector prep is done, it's finally time for me to start actually drawing every single frame for Chapter 5!.. Just like that! 👇😁

Oddly, as I started drawing the frames for Chapter 5, I feel extra hyper but also very relaxed and blissful at the same time. Maybe it's nostalgia, for as far as I remember, in winter days I liked to enjoy drawing at home, in the warmth, watching the snow outside. Seems like the work on the artworks is going exceptionally well - much better than when I worked on Chapter 4. I'm excited to go forward with my crazy undertaking; but on the side, I have a lot of non-"Time & Again" ideas, and I revisit my old writings, hoping to find extra spark for the other universes and timelines I have in mind, and all of that powers me up. I feel very active and positive. Aaaah, dis is the season, innit?.. Here, on this side of the globe, winter is halfway on. In the end of the last week it snowed in neatly and almost evenly, and the birds on our balcony look all fluffed up and fidgety, waddling from one little foot to another to keep themselves warm while trying to unbury the birdy omnomnommies from under the not-so-giant-yet heaps of snow. The snow has melted a bit by now; I watch them through the balcony window, sipping on my Earl Grey tea every morning and throughout the day, and it makes me feel at peace, and yet a little sad at the same time. For if I had knitting skills, I would've supplied all those cute little sparrows and the peanut-hungry blue jay family with some nice sets of hand-made sweaters, hats, scarves, and socks. But alas, I can only do that in the form of artworks for now. But I digress. Back to my graphic novel now.

For those who don't know how I usually work on "Time & Again" - and I presume, that's what I'll keep doing for the rest of my comic-type projects, that is, if there's ever gonna be any more - I do everything consecutively, starting from the lineart (including the backgrounds, especially if the frame requires very specific placement of the character on the background, or they interact with it in any way), then I do the flat colouring, and then I go for the shading. And by that, I mean that I do all the lineart for all the pages first, then, once that is done, I switch to colouring of all the pages, and then, once that is done as well, I finally get to do the shading on all the pages. Told you, there's definitely a certain system in the way I work on my stories. This is also a reason why I never ever post updates page by page: because there's simply nothing to post, since they're all incomplete. Deal with it 😎 It seems that this manner of work suits me best. I'm not certain why, but I've never been keen on sharing the works that are half-done or something - although lately I'm going through a certain metamorphosis in this respect. Moreover, it is important to me to keep the same steady, precise, and classy art style throughout the chapter. Consistency is what I highly value in my creations. People, who also draw, have probably noticed that, at times, their art style might wiggle and be, let's say, all over the place - and sometimes this just happens on its own. I can't really explain this. This must be some sort of hidden mysterious consciousness of our pen/pencil that simply does things on its own 🤪. Sometimes our mood contributes to how the art style changes in tiny little details - at times to better, at times to worse comparing to what we strive to achieve. Through executing everything consecutively and finishing up the "chunks" of different types of work one after another, my goal is to avoid unnecessary and unwanted art style inconsistencies that might occur otherwise.

But enough of this lengthy preamble! Let's finally get technical, just as the post title announced it! I see you're getting bored... (no, wait, what do you mean it's just my neighbours snoring?.. I don't know what you're talking about)

This time, since I decided on making a regular page-by-page PDF version of the chapter as well as its scrollable webcomic doppelgänger, I needed to figure out how exactly to simplify my work in order to avoid accidental complications (here, almost a quote from a character's line from the current chapter, lol!). Of course there's no way I want to do the same amount of work twice just because I didn't anticipate the outcome correctly. Not to brag about it, but I must admit, as far as I remember myself - I've always been good at this. There's always a place for being extra technical when it comes down to the artworks. It's not as simple as it might seem to you. Deciding on the technical aspects of creating artworks is kind of a puzzle, in a sense. It's almost mathematical 😁

So, as you can see on the screenshot just a little above, that's a layout of a comic page (in the regular format for now). To make everything work out in a simple way in the end, I decided to create layer groups for every each separate frame (red markings) that will include everything I need for the frame: the lineart, the colouring, and the background. That will help me to just copy-paste a certain frame on the new canvas optimized for the webcomic format - and that is all! All done in a few clicks. Automation 100% 😁 (having Minecraft flashbacks now for some reason...)

All the text-related material (speech bubbles, the text lines themselves, and all the possible written sound effects such as "Swoosh!", etc.; the green markings on the screenshot) is currently included into one group above everything else. I've been importing these layers straight from Inkscape in PNG. But I started to think now that I need to separate those elements in the end, too, for further convenience and simplicity of arrangement on the webcomic format canvas. But that will be work for another day in the future.

In terms of memory usage, I'm not certain yet how it will go for me, for sometimes Krita would randomly crash on me without anything in the error log, and every additional layer adds to the memory usage even if it's near empty - finally, considering fairly large size of the artworks pixelwise, it all adds up pretty quickly. But I'm not exactly running Krita on a potato either (mmm, potaties 🥔🤤), so I think I should be fine.

Previously, perhaps counterintuitively - but again, it worked just fine for me back in the day - I used to create a giant layer with all the lineart for the current page, and then the flat colours for the entire page were stored on a separate "flats" layer, and all the shading for the entirety of the page was stored on its own separate "shading" layer, too. The same went for the backgrounds: depending on the pictures overlapping or not, I would've drawn all the backgrounds on a single layer called "BGs".

This approach would've not worked this time though.

In the lineart work, I'm currently finishing up page 9 already. ALREADY! 🥳🥳🥳 Which indeed sounds pretty awesome, because it just goes ahead steadily. That is, however, keeping in mind that there are frames that I just left out and skipped for now, for they require extra consideration. You see... Chapter 5 is going to have a peculiar scene - something that I've never ever tried drawing before just yet, and it's gonna be pretty long. It's fairly stretched out across a few pages and it's almost represented in a slower-than-real-life pace (surprise, surprise, isn't it what I usually do anyway tho?..). As I work on it, I wonder if it's going to be too boring for the readers. But I think the time will tell, for, once everything is done properly and in colour, it's gonna be much more of an eye-candy than it is now. I sometimes have difficulties approximating the end result in my head. But often it just turns out a little nicer than expected, which is a bonus. Because screw perfectionism; that's in the past for me 🤣 (true story! did NOT enjoy it! got out with minimal losses!)

... Since this post seems to be stretching out in time and space as well, just as the certain scenes I'm working on, I think it might be time to wrap it up for today.

Happy Halloween everybody! And I foresee significantly more sketches and screenshots in the upcoming posts! Take care! See ya sometime next week! 👋

P.S. And, of course, for a nice holiday treat, I made a Halloween artwork, again. And this time it's not that simple (and for a spoiler: this year it's not gonna have Cacodemons as pumpkins, nope): it also serves as the first teaser for Chapter 5 and the second half of "Time & Again"! So don't miss out on it 😉 You won't though, because it will soon appear in my blog!

#This Week In Time And Again #TimeAndAgainbyDWF #graphic novel #wips #krita

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creatingnikki · 3 years

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What 2020 has taught me

1. Those things that seem like content for sci fi or pure fiction are actually things that can happen. To the entire world. Like a pandemic. And to you. Like a seizure.

2. Everyone is sad. Everyone is struggling. In different ways and in different measures. Makes no one special. But you still get to feel sad for yourself and be compassionate towards others. But it's also okay to draw boundaries because you're everyone too. Remember, not special? You're sad and trying to deal with it too.

3. Every job you have will not add value to your life. It will not teach you new things or give you people you'll want to stay in touch with. Sometimes some jobs will only be a season of your life. Even if the season lasts for over a year. It's okay.

4. You know how you thought picking a college and picking a major and picking your first job and picking a specific industry were all the career decisions you had to make? Yeah, no. It's never a one time thing. You could have a job as a marketing strategist for two years and then want nothing to do with it. And then you'll have to make another decision and work towards it. So I'd like to call it moves. It's like chess. You always have to make a move. And it always has to be strategic, yes. But the truth is in your 20s it probably won't. Even if you try. And as long as you're trying, you'll be fine.

5. You may have different sorts of friends like the one you only talk to about kdrama with or the one you met when you went book shopping alone and the friendship is all about books really. That's normal. But irrespective of why and how you became friends with them, if you consider them a friend then there has to be this basic sense of care, respect and empathy for each other. I don't care what people want to say. If you're faced with the worst trauma of your life, the least your friends can do is check up on you regularly. On text. And if they don't even do that then guess what? They aren't friends. They are acquaintances. Social media and quick promises make everyone seem like your friend. But they are not. They are just nice people who will be nice to you for specific periods and then wander away like you are a speck of dust floating in their journey.

6. You speak a lot and write and you express yourself and you’re emotionally mature but oh my god. You still hold in so much. You’ve known that at a subconscious level and over the last year people - experts - have told you that. You have also realized that you make your pain and sadness about pettier things because dealing with them, admitting about them, sharing that with your friends, is easier. You do that so that you don’t have to deal with the real stuff. Because it’s so damn painful. And you don’t know how to do it. Yet. Acknowledging is the first step anyway right? I know you’re confused about how exactly to let go of all this pain and sadness and feel lighter, and you know that talking to people really isn’t the solution, but I also know you’re smart enough to figure it out.

7. Talking about being smart...you know you’re different than others. Better. Special. Smarter. None of these are the right words. And you never voiced this out until this year because you knew it would make you come across as narcissistic. Some would say it’s because you’re an INFJ. But my mother once said that this may be the first time we are consciously living life but our souls are old and so our instinct and the things we know but can’t explain are because this isn’t the first time for our souls. The connections we feel with certain people, the reason we are so different from our siblings who grew up in the exact same environment with the exact same opportunities, our sense of right and wrong...it’s all because our souls learn and grow with each time and that’s why we are who we are. I think that’s probably how I can explain what I have always felt. That I am living in a different universe than everybody but I have to pretend to be in this one and dumb my emotions and thoughts down. Maybe that’s because my soul has lived through thousands of years while most around me are living their 100th life. Or maybe I’m just narcissistic, who knows?

8. You shift between talking in first person and second person but that’s because that’s how you think in your head and talk to yourself and live your life. You ask yourself things and you accuse yourself of things and you apologize to yourself and you comfort yourself. I think that seeps into your writing and the changing of the voices.

9. You always genuinely thought that you’d not be afraid of dying. And then what happened this October proved you shockingly wrong. I know it’s not so much being afraid of dying but the unbearable pain of knowing what that would mean to your family. So you have to be more prudent and less reckless with your life and the choices you make.

10. Regret is not something that plagued you but this year the realisation and pain of giving away your favourite books from your own personal collection to people you care about as a show of affection and them turning out to be ass holes or losers has hit you so hard. So, yes. No more of that shit. I really fucking want my copy of The Perks Of Being A Wallflower back. UGH. With the childhood picture of me inside it!

11. Sleeping at 5 am in the morning stops being fun or romanticised when you realise just how much harm it does to your body and mind. Literally every single disease and disorder can be traced back to a shitty fucking sleep schedule. It’s not just the hours you sleep but also the quality of sleep and the time you sleep at. So yes sleeping for 8 hours is healthy but not if that 8 hours is from 5 am to 12 pm. ‘Not a morning person’ is just another construct of capitalism and you don’t realise how many industries profit from having you believe that and staying up late or all night. Entertainment. Food. Alcohol. Pharma. Biologically and naturally you are a bloody morning person. And you don’t need 3 cups of coffee to begin your day or your phone notifications to get you to open your eyes and brain to wake up.

12. Sometimes you really have to stop taking people so seriously. I know the idea of treating people as casual friends or entertainment makes you want to fight that concept but you know what? Some people like Pineapple are ever only going to be good for that. No matter how much they ‘grow and change’. So keep them in the background for whenever you want some entertainment or drama. But please don’t clear up your busy schedule to meet them or send them gifts on their birthday.

13. If you don’t have the fruit juice or green juice within half an hour of making it then you are losing out on its most optimum health benefits. Or when you remove the white stringy stuff from oranges. That’s where all the actual nutrients are.

14. I am privileged and so are most of the people I interact with. The global pandemic has been hell for a lot of people around the world. Health wise. Financially. Losing people they care about. But I was blessed enough to be safe at home and have a job that I could smoothly do from home and not have a pay cut or 4-hour long Zoom meetings. So honestly when my friends tell me 2020 has been bad I have to stop and ask them why? Yes, the crippling uncertainty and anxiety is not something that can be undermined. But most people I know had very great positive life-changing milestones this year like moving away to another country for college or taking their first solo trip or getting married. So I have to ask them. Because I am not going to agree that everybody’s 2020 and pandemic narrative is the same.

15. Money gets spent really quickly. When I left my job earlier this year because of personal issues, I thought I had enough savings to last me a year. Full disclosure - I mean to last my personal expenses because I live with my parents. But it didn’t even last me 3 months. And so to use money wisely and buy things that provide utility than instant gratification is something to follow. Also buying one pair of really expensive but quality shoes is better than buying 5 pairs of affordable but low quality shoes that will have a very short life and force you to buy more. I know that higher price doesn’t always mean better quality but sometimes it does. And as an adult now I want to do the whole quality > quantity thing even with things and not just people.

16. Everyone in their 20s went through a crisis of what they should do with their lives and their careers and it’s not unique to the 21st century and the challenges of today. Whether it was Vincent Van Gogh in the 19th century or Sylvia Plath in the 20th, every single person, as brilliant as them went through the torture of making these decisions and living with their consequences. You may think I picked wrong examples for they both killed themselves but you know what? They were the people who really want to live more than anyone. They knew what life meant. And maybe if mental health help was more accessible back then their lives would be longer and more peaceful.

17. Telling people everything is overrated. You don’t have to talk about every single thing that’s on your mind or that’s going on in your life. The good and the bad and the mediocre. You have to be mindful about how much of yourself you’re giving away.

18. Re-watch Suits when people at work feel intimidating because the confidence + negotiation tactics that they show can actually work irl cos at the end of the day no matter in what position you’re dealing with people who have emotions and fears and insecurities and desires. You understand how to leverage that nobody can get the better of you.

19. You belong to yourself. No matter how much you love someone or how much they have done for you or how much you owe them - you belong to yourself. You can’t live your life for someone else. Everyone belongs to themselves first. No relationship, no promise, no circumstance should make you feel like you have to give up your life and make it all about them. If and when the time comes to die for them, go ahead. Take a bullet. Donate that kidney. Write them in your will. But live your life for yourself. And let them live theirs.

20. Twenty three was a challenging year. When it started you claimed the age 23 sounds boring and insignificant. Guess it proved you wrong. It hurt so much now. But that only means you’ll look back on it later and see how it added so much wisdom and resilience to your being. It doesn’t mean that it makes all the bad things that happened to you okay. Or that you should be grateful to them. Fuck no. It means that you should be kinder to yourself because at the end of the day, your mind and body find it in themselves to deal with whatever is thrown their way. They have your back. It’s time you learn to sit straight.

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dindjarindiaries · 3 years

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10 Underrated Quotes from Season 2 of The Mandalorian

As previously seen with season one, I’m here with another list of underrated quotes from The Mandalorian—this time, from season two. I’m going to highlight some of my favorite quotes from the season or quotes that stick out to me and why I think they’re noteworthy.

I don’t own any rights to content from The Mandalorian and, if you haven’t watched season two yet, potential spoilers are ahead!

1. “Pay attention when a superior addresses you.” (Chapter 15: The Believer)

While this scene certainly isn’t underrated, I believe this line spoken by Valin Hess when he finally catches Din Djarin’s attention by the Imperial terminal deserves some reflection. It’s interesting to think about how responding to Hess’ first call of “Trooper” is something Djarin just... wouldn’t think to do, or is something he thought he could get away with. It seems that Mandalorians, while they value their leadership, don’t focus on hierarchical structures in their society, so Djarin isn’t used to having to obey orders like that. It’s even worse that he has to deal with this unfamiliar situation without his helmet for the first time since he was a child. It really draws our attention to how little Djarin knows about the Empire and other organizations outside of his covert.

2. “This is the Way.” (Chapter 11: The Heiress)

I think many of us can agree that the first time this statement is uttered in this episode, we’re less than pleased about it, thanks to Bo-Katan’s ridiculing tone. When it happens later on, however, there’s so much meaning packed behind the words. First, from Bo-Katan, who has witnessed Mando’s bravery firsthand and has likely realized how wrong she was making assumptions about him based off his covert and his traditions. In return, Mando’s response of the phrase is strained. Why? Well, it’s up to interpretation—but to me, I think it’s because Mando’s in awe of the idea of these Mandalorians who have already proven their abilities to him actually coming to respect him and the Way he’s known ever since he was a child. It was a great moment of reconciliation.

3. “Is he speaking? Do you... understand him?” (Chapter 13: The Jedi)

Something I love about this line in particular is the way it’s delivered. There’s such desperation concealed behind Mando’s modulator that tells us so much about what he’s been thinking while pacing the forest floor nervously. This desperation also tells us how eager he’s been to communicate with his child. Mando and Grogu have been together for a long time, now, and we know they’ve had plenty of one-sided conversations. I’m sure Mando has longed to know what Grogu’s been thinking in return, and now that he might have an opportunity to, we can really hear that sheer curiosity and desperation in his voice with this line he offers to Ahsoka.

4. “Jet back, you’re faster that way.” (Chapter 12: The Siege)

I’m sure we all have our mixed opinions about the season one Nevarro crew, but this moment in particular really strikes the depth of their friendship and companionship. Once they’ve all heard about Moff Gideon’s return and his request to get the child once again, there’s no doubt in anyone’s minds that Mando wouldn’t be going back for him immediately. Even though the job isn’t completely done and Greef, Cara, and Mythrol all still need a way out, they don’t even try to ask for Mando’s help. Instead, Cara insists that he gets back as fast as he can, even if that means the three of them don’t make it out themselves. I really love how that shared understanding and dedication to the child in all situations shows their deep friendship amongst the trio (and Mythrol).

5. “I’ve spent much time on Tatooine. I never saw a Mandalorian there.” (Chapter 9: The Marshal)

Mando’s response to Gor Karesh insisting that he knows of a Mandalorian on Tatooine could potentially be telling us more than we’re aware of. As far as we know, Mando’s only been to Tatooine once—and it was only for two days, tops. But here, he’s saying he’s “spent much time” there, which means it’s possible that Mando lived on Tatooine for a time while the Bounty Hunter’s Guild still operated out of there. If you think about it more, Mando knew exactly where to go for some work in Chapter 5, another hint that there’s more to Mando’s time on Tatooine than we’re aware of. The same thing could be said about his knowledge of Tusken and his friendship with the Sand People. Any time we get a potential hint of Mando’s backstory, I’m excited about it!

6. “Am I under arrest?” (Chapter 10: The Passenger)

This line comes quickly in the midst of Mando’s conversation with the New Republic pilots in Chapter 10, but I really love it. These few words say a lot about Mando’s character and how he responds to praise. He’s just been told all about his heroics in Chapter 6, when he risked his own life for Lieutenant Davan and reprimanded Mayfeld, Xi’an, and Burg—and when asked whether it was true, Mando offers no confirmation. He doesn’t even own up to his good acts. Instead, he simply acts this question, remaining the practical man we know him to be. This truly shows us the humble nature of Mando and how he tries his best to focus on the present rather than dwelling on things he’s done in the past, good or bad.

7. “... talent without training is nothing.” (Chapter 16: The Rescue)

On the surface, this seems like a very practical statement that many Jedi make throughout the series (see Ahsoka talking to Mando in Chapter 13 and Obi-Wan talking to Luke in Episode IV: A New Hope). When you think about it more, especially in context, you might be able to see Luke hinting at something much deeper. Luke heard Grogu’s cry for help from the Seeing Stone where it’s very possible Grogu was talking about his desire to protect his father by strengthening his abilities. Luke knows all too well what happens when you abandon training in an attempt to protect those you love—as for him, it didn’t go well. Yoda tried to warn him but he didn’t listen. Now that he’s learned his lesson, Luke can offer this wisdom to a Grogu who wants to keep his father safe. He knows that training first will then allow Grogu to protect himself and his father to his heart’s content, just as Luke was better able to protect his friends in Episode VI after he finished his training.

8. “Okay, I’m gonna protect you.” (Chapter 14: The Tragedy)

The scene in which this line is delivered is what truly establishes this episode as a tragedy. Mando’s tried three times to break through Grogu’s Force-field—not because he wasn’t thinking, but because he was so desperate—and now he has to come to terms with the fact that he’ll only hurt himself more if he keeps trying it again and again. Mando’s voice is pretty shaky if you listen to it closely enough in these lines, reluctant to leave his child atop the mountain alone but eager to protect him somehow. We know Mando doesn’t like to feel helpless, but we can sense he feels that way in this moment. He doesn’t even know if Grogu can hear him, yet he keeps speaking to him with such fierce protectiveness and reassurance. This is a promise he doesn’t fall through with, even if Grogu does fall into the Imperials’ hands for a time.

9. “Give it to me.” (Chapter 15: The Believer)

This is the moment where we all really knew what was about to go down. What I love about this quote is that Mando says it with no remorse. He says it firmly, insisting upon doing whatever it takes to get those coordinates and get to Grogu. He’s already made up his mind. Despite the fact he gave his word earlier about not showing his face, Mando’s going to do what he has to for his son. The firm way this line is delivered proves that, especially when he shifts from taking a backseat to Mayfeld to taking charge again as he pulls the data stick right from Mayfeld’s grip. I just really love Mando’s determination in this scene, despite the circumstances.

10. “I’ll see you again. I promise.” (Chapter 16: The Rescue)

Do I particularly think this line is underrated? No, not the direct meaning of it. But when you watch Star Wars Rebels and think more about the genius of Dave Filoni, there’s a whole new layer of meaning attached to these words. For those who may not have watched the show yet (you definitely should!), Kanan and Hera are two people who care very much for each other (wink wink) who once had to exchange a goodbye very similar to Mando and Grogu. Kanan was about to go on a very dangerous mission without Hera, unsure of what would happen to him, when he delivered these words: “We’ll see each other again. I promise.” This is almost exactly what Mando says to Grogu in the face of their temporary separation. The good news is Kanan and Hera did get to see each other again—but Kanan was changed forever. Will this happen with Mando or Grogu? It’s possible. But it’s just another one of those moments that makes me yell “FILONI!” in Darth Maul style.

#idk i just love the mandalorian and star wars #the mandalorian #the mandalorian season two #star wars #meta

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cheryblossomdreams · 3 years

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A Discussion About Dramione

This is a very difficult ship in the HP fandom, alongside others like Drarry etc.

However, I think there is something to be said for it regardless, since I’ve seen a lot of anti-Dramione content with some valid points and a lot of non valid ones too, so I suppose I’d like a try my hand at rebuking some of them.

1. Dramione shippers romanticize abuse and bullying.

At first glance, it certainly looks that way. Draco Malfoy was a racist, petty, spoiled bully that jumped on every opportunity to bully Hermione Granger and her friends. He is not a good character. In the Dramione fandom, no one claims he is a good character either. Instead, the Dramione fandom recognized the canon potential for change in Draco and uses that to shape their fanfics. The largest majority of the fandom (There do exist those really young fans that don’t quite yet understand everything that will blindly defend him or create extremely problematic fanart, but they are truly a minority) acknowledges entirely all the wrongs Draco has committed, and they are many. Actually, in most Dramione fics, the writers go to great lengths to process the part of DHr’s past that was filled with hatred and insults. You can find examples of this in the fic Measure of a Man by @inadaze22. Also to the point, most of Dramione fanfiction is written and set in a time many years after the War, after their school years, where they’ve both grown, matured and become adults, changed by time and what they went through, so it is a null point to say Dramione shippers romanticize bullying when their content is almost always set in a time where Draco is no longer a bully and Hermione is no longer a victim.

What the Dramione shippers like to emphasize is the fact that even though Draco used to be a horrible person, he had changed and grown past that, owned up to his mistakes and is now a different man. That’s what the stories they write are about. He had the potential to change already established in canon that he used later through his life to become someone better Hermione could eventually forgive and love.

You’ll be hard pressed to find a Dramione shipper that would say that while they were still in school they should’ve gotten together. Absolutely not. The content most of the Dramione fandom creates is always set post-canon, at a time where Draco’s changed and grown up from who he used to be, and Hermione recognizes his change and forgives him.

She certainly doesn’t have to forgive him, she doesn’t owe him anything, but part of Hermione’s bravery and overall character is that she would have been able to forgive him when she realized he’d changed. Plus, he saved her best friend’s life at a critical point in the war and, even though he did nothing to help her because he literally couldn’t have, which is something I’m pretty sure Hermione would have been grateful for, even a little bit.

The Malfoy family saved Harry’s life TWICE in HP, in both extremely critical moments in the war (Draco lying at the manor, Narcissa lying to Voldemort), which is something Hermione wouldn’t have been able to just ignore and pretend like it never happened, because that’s not who she is.

There probably is a very small percent of the Dramione fandom who create problematic content, but every fandom and every ship has toxic shippers, besides they are simply not the majority.

2. Dramione shippers use Hermione to redeem Draco.

The redemption arc Draco got in HP is extremely flimsy at best, especially considering the amount of damage he’d done prior. He saved Harry’s life, yes, but he did nothing to protect either Ron or Hermione, so personally I wouldn’t harp on about that being much of a redemption arc at all. However, I don’t think any Dramione shippers use Hermione to redeem him. In the Dramione content the things he did wrong and the hurt he inflicted is something Hermione recognizes and then, through the story, eventually chooses to leave behind. Besides, she doesn’t have to redeem him, since we know from canon he’d grown out of his beliefs eventually, privately at least if not publicly (more on this later).

3. Draco had a choice in how to act, if he really didn’t believe in blood supremacy.

No, he didn’t. Let me break it down why.

When he was 11 years old and first coming to Hogwarts, he was too young to understand the beliefs his parents ingrained into him were wrong and harmful, he simply didn’t have the mental capacity to comprehend that. He was a child that hung to every word their mom and dad said and he acted accordingly.

As he grew up though, started going through puberty and maturing, he would’ve realized that blood supremacy is wrong. Let’s say this realization came when he was 14. Lucius and Narcissa weren’t with him at Hogwarts, so if he changed his behavior to reflect his new realizations, they wouldn’t have known, right?

WRONG.

Do you really mean to tell me that if Draco Malfoy, only son and sole heir to the Malfoy family, an extremely wealthy, influential family in the Wizarding World and its politics, part of the sacred 28, well respected and with a high status in society, suddenly started being kinder and friendlier to Muggleborns and Halfbloods, people wouldn’t talk? People wouldn’t wonder, get suspicious? That such news wouldn’t reach his father, who’s got eyes and ears everywhere (evident by the fact he was able to bribe someone in Hogwarts to buy his son a position on the Quidditch team). And how do you think Lucius Malfoy, a devout Death Eater, would have reacted to receiving such news? What do you think would have happened to Draco when he came home that summer?

Draco was never abused and I doubt Lucius would start then, but I am positive he would’ve been disowned, for betraying the values his family had upheld for centuries. Lucius is a staunch blood purist and he absolutely would cut all contact with his son (disown him) when news reached him Draco was making nice with Muggleborns and Halfbloods.

And Draco knew this, he knew how strict his father was, he knew how deeply he believed in blood supremacy and he knew the consequences for stepping out of line and being anything less than the perfect son.

What would a 14-year old kid do being disowned? Homeless essentially?

So, even if he had realized the wrongs of his beliefs and renounced them, he couldn’t have done that publicly, and certainly not with Hermione Granger or Harry Potter much less, seeing as Harry Potter is the nemesis of the man his father believes in.

By the time he reaches 15 and 16, Voldemort is already at full power again and living in Draco’s house. Now things get even worse. After Lucius fails to get the Prophecy in the Department of Mysteries, Voldemort decides he has to punish him for his failure by having Draco take the Dark Mark. By this point, Draco had abandoned ideas of blood supremacy, but at this point, what the fuck is he going to do? Refuse The Dark Lord? The Darkest Wizard in all of Wizarding History? The guy who is living in his house AND holds the lives of him AND his entire family hostage? Who could and would murder Draco’s mother and father and Draco himself if Draco disobeyed? The man who murdered a person right on Draco’s kitchen table and had Nagini swallow them whole?

Even if all of that wasn’t true, and it is, how’s a 16 year old kid going to fight off a house full of seasoned Death Eaters, proficient at the Dark Arts who will use Unforgivables on him, plus Voldemort himself, plus a giant terrifying snake?

At that point, Draco is left with literally zero choice but to take the Mark and obey his mission to murder Dumbledore.

He hatches several plots to kill Dumbledore, all of which fail. When they stand at the Astronomy tower, even Dumbledore himself calls all of his plots halfhearted and weak. Dumbledore offers him help, but Draco is very clear in his regret of the things he’d done and the fact there’s no going back now.

‘I have to do this, I have to kill you, or he’s gonna kill me.’

AND

‘What do you know about me? I’ve done things that would shock you.’

(I’m paraphrasing here, these aren’t the exact quotes).

At which point Snape shows up and kills Dumbledore in Draco’s place because of the Vow he made to Narcissa.

Any way you look at it, he really didn’t have any choice, even if he did at some point during school renounce his beliefs and grow past them.

4. He tried to kill Ron.

I’ve seen antis blame Draco for this one, which is a bit ridiculous. He did not. He had madam Rosmerta poison a bottle of wine, which he sent to Horace Slughorn, hoping Slughorn would pass it onto Dumbledore. Filch hadn’t noticed any traces of poison in it, because he is a Squib, he also didn’t doubt a shipment from Rosmerta, and so he just gave it to Slughorn. Slughorn kept it around and then later he was the one to offer Ron a glass of that wine. In Draco’s plan, Ron wasn’t ever even mentioned nor included in any way. It had been an unlucky coincidence for Ron, and Draco couldn’t have possibly known that Slughorn would hold onto the wine, that Ron would ever be around Slughorn OR that Slughorn would offer Ron that same wine. Sufficed to say, Draco never attempted to murder Ronald Weasley.

5. He did nothing while Bellatrix tortured Hermione.

We’ve been over this, what could he have done? He had saved Harry’s life earlier, but that one lie couldn’t of spared Ron or Hermione, their faces were too recognizable, even if Harry’s wasn’t.

A room full of Death Eaters, some of the cruelest, most dangerous ones mind you (Bellatrix Lestrange) and he’d be 17, if I remember correctly, still not even an adult, plus at this point in the war even more powerless (considering the fact the Malfoys had fallen out of favor with Voldemort, evident by the fact Lucius tells Draco that if they deliver Harry Potter to Voldemort, all would be forgiven).

What did you expect him to do? Leap into battle and try to fend off dozens of Death Eaters, effectively betraying the Dark Lord in the process and single-handedly getting his entire family killed, if not even himself?

Would you have done that? No, of course not.

6. Draco Malfoy is not redeemable.

Now Draco’s “redemption arc”, if it can be called that, is a powerful moment but it’s flimsy. JK didn’t really ever intend for him to be redeemed or liked either, but let’s take a look at it anyways.

It is canon that Draco stopped believing in blood supremacy at some point during their school years, though we can’t know exactly when.

How can I say this, when his behavior never indicated that?

Well, I’ve already been over why he couldn’t have suddenly changed his behavior, now let’s go through how I can claim it is canon.

The scene where Draco lies to everyone about Harry’s identity.

That moment could only exist IF Draco didn’t believe in blood supremacy anymore.

Think about it, if Draco was devout to Voldemort and his beliefs like his father, he would have had no problem or conscience to tell everyone ‘Yes, this is Harry Potter, hand him over.’ It would have been favorable to him if Harry died.

And let’s be clear, if Draco had said the truth in that moment, Harry would have died. He was captured, wandless (his is broken, when they escape the Manor he steals Draco’s), Ron and Hermione captured as well, he was entirely helpless and surrounded by powerful Dark Arts wizards and witches who would lead him directly to Voldemort the moment they got confirmation it was indeed him and that would have been it. Voldemort would have killed him. Voldemort would have won.

But that isn’t what happened.

Draco looked at Harry, recognized it was him (evident by a later scene where Harry straight up says that. “Why didn’t you tell her? Bellatrix? You knew it was me, you didn’t say anything.”) and at first, still unsure what to do, asked why Harry’s face was like that, and he’s told Harry just came in like that.

Draco says “I’m not sure.”

At that point Lucius grips him and tells him that if they gave up Harry Potter to Voldemort all would be forgiven, Bellatrix brings him closer to get a second look.

Draco knows all the consequences of what he’s doing at this point, he knows what he’s risking, the literal lives of everyone he loves, and what does he do?

He still lies.

‘I can’t be sure.’

It’s a powerful moment for his character, BUT it’s not enough for redemption. The amount of pain and hatred he’d spewed for 6 years (I say 6 years because The Golden Trio wasn’t attending Hogwarts for year 7) is not redeemed by this one instance. His actions, letting Death Eaters into Hogwarts, likely torturing people on command of the Carrows in 7th year, are not redeemed by this moment, even if he did save Harry’s life.

However, though this instance doesn’t constitute redemption, it is telling of the fact Draco has changed, and changed significantly from the hateful, angry, spoiled, racist brat he used to be, which gives him potential to grow up into a different, better man.

Whether JK intended it or not, the way that was written makes Draco Malfoy more than redeemable, if not for the duration of the books, then later through his life.

Being a horrible person at one point in your life does not make you forever evil, does not mean you can not ever change. To prove this, I’d like to humbly request you to watch this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSH5EY-W5oM

Voldemort’s regime is very similar to Hitler’s Nazi movement, so this video is very fitting to my point and HP in general.

Here’s another three:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORp3q1Oaezw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fw0vS0qvYo0&list=TLPQMTcxMjIwMjBZfqJdkbbQJw&index=2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4gly9n9RBo&list=TLPQMTcxMjIwMjBZfqJdkbbQJw&index=3

If you don’t have time to watch, let me sum it up for you.

The first video chronicles the story of a man who’d been part of the Neo-Nazi movement, managed to leave it behind and become an activist and overall an amazing guy now.

The other three links chronicle the story of Daryl Davis, a black man who’d attended KKK rallies and even met with the Imperial Wizard of the KKK Roger Kelly, somehow despite all odds became friends with him and eventually managed to get through to Roger Kelly to the point where this man (The leader of the KKK on a national scale) stepped down from his position and left the Ku Klux Klan.

That’s real life, something like that happened, truly happened, but Draco Malfoy is irredeemable?

PLUS, Draco is hardly the first case like this.

Take James Potter as an example. James was also a rich, racist, privileged white boy, and a bully. He’d bullied Snape severely, even set up a “prank” with his friends that would lead to Snape getting attacked by a WEREWOLF, putting him in mortal peril, with great potential of killing him, that required then a rescue operation.

James attempted murder, or if you don’t want to go that far, he set up a situation that quite possibly could have gotten someone killed, and he got to mature and grow past his behaviors and redeem himself, fall in love with Lily and have a wonderful son.

Why couldn’t Draco change when James had?

In conclusion, I think there’s a big diifference between what the Dramione fandom actually is and what antis think it is.

The heart of the Dramione fandom is about growing and changing and maturing and forgiving and falling in love despite the differences of the past.

It’s not about romanticizing bullying or toxic relationships, life is not black and white people, people can change and grow from their past actions and people can also forgive and move on.

There’s plenty of examples in the books of Harry and Ron mistreating Hermione and they all move past those instances (obviously that can’t be compared to what Draco did, I’m just making a point here).

I do acknowledge that the Dramione shippers have some bad apples among them, some problematic people that take it all too far, but honestly, every fandom and every ship has bad, toxic people so you can’t really use that against them.

All in all, things aren’t the way antis always present them, there’s a lot more gray there, and I hope this entirely too long post helped some of y’all see that.

#dramione #dramione discourse #pro dramione #a defence of dramione #anti dramione discussions

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generic-hufflepuff1 · 3 years

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My Tma favorites (per entity per season)

In honor of the finale of Tma, I'm looking back and going through the seasons and picking out my favorite episodes. I'm sorting them by entity and Im gonna write a little piece at the end of each fear as to why I picked that episode. It is relatively spoiler free but still keep your wits about you.

Also this is only up to Mag 197

The Stranger

Season 1: 1 Anglerfish tied with 34 Anatomy Class

Season 2: 77 The Kind Mother

Season 3: 83 Drawing a Blank, with 96 Return to Sender as a close second

Season 4: 128 heavy Goods

Season 5: 182 Well being, but 165 Revolutions is very very good

Overall: 1 Anglerfish

So all the of The Strangers’ episodes are really evocative and well written and I have to say that it was a very, very close call for almost every single season and I still cannot really decide if I truly like Mag 1 more than Mag 34 but I have to say that Mag 1 is so very good at drawing you into the world and works as a stand alone piece.

The Buried

Season 1: 2 Do Not Open

Season 2: 66 Held In Customs

Season 3: 97 We all Ignore the Pit

Season 4: 132 Entombed

Season 5: 184 Like Ants

Overall: 2 Do Not Open

I love Mag 2 as the protagonist straight up did not have any of this bullshit. And they even got a mike drop moment with the frozen key. Like in this house we stan Joshua Gillespie. His determination to not have to deal with that shit is so incredibly strong that it sticks with you.

The Web

Season 1: 16 Aracnopobia

Season 2: 69 Thought for the Day

Season 3: 81 A Guest for Mister Spider

Season 4: 136 The Puppeteer

Season 5: 172 Strung Out

Overall: 81 A Guest for Mister Spider

Honestly Mag 81 is absolutely brilliant and serves to contextualise so much of season 1 and 2 and ends up being incredibly important to the world as a whole. That plus the delivery and excellent premise gives it a slight edge over Mag 172 that is a pure exploration of the controlling and manipulative nature of addiction

The Vast

Season 1: 21 Freefall

Season 2: 75 A Long Way Down

Season 3: 91 The Coming Storm

Season 4: 124 Left Hanging

Season 5: 174 The Great Beast

Overall: 174 The Great Beast

So the first half of season 5 does an amazing job of truely fleshing out each fear and the Vast is no exception. The split between the two protagonists makes it clear that The Vast is not just about big things or empty space but deep existentialism and the fear of the inevitability of life.

The Spiral

Season 1: 26 A Distortion

Season 2: 74 Fatigue

Season 3: 85 Upon the Stair

Season 4: 126 Sculptors Tool

Season 5: 177 Wonderland, tied with 187 Checking Out

Overall: 187 Checking Out

This one was difficult as Mag 177 and Mag 187 as both of them lingered in my head for literal weeks after listening to them. In the end Mag 187 was so completely mind boggling in how it completely changed my perception of the Distortion. And is a masterclass in writing a character twist.

The End

Season 1: 29 Cheating Death

Season 2: 70 Book of the Dead

Season 3: 94 Dead Woman Walking

Season 4: 155 The Cost of Living

Season 5: 168 Roots

Overall: 168 Roots

I have quite literally experienced some version of what the victims are describing. But more than that the realisation of the implications of this domain for the world as it elevates the episode much higher than any of the Ends other appearances as eventually the other entities will fear the End just as the mortals do.

The Flesh

Season 1: 14 Piecemeal

Season 2: 58 Trail Rations

Season 3: 90 Body Builder

Season 4: 131 Flesh

Season 5: 171 The Gardener

Overall: 171 The Gardener

Everything about Mag 171 just speaks to me. From the visual it conjures, to the brilliant use of botany metaphor to describe various body image issues, to Jared’s simple but weighty request. This episode lives rent free in my brain at all times. This is the first time that I have zero contenders for my favorite of an entity.

The Corruption

Season 1: 32 Hive

Season 2: 68 The Tale of a Field Hospital

Season 3: 102 Nesting Instinct

Season 4: 153 Love Bombing

Season 5: 164 The Sick Village

Overall: 32 Hive

Although Mag 164 does have a very particular place in my heart and in the history of literature due to its topic and the precise time it came out, but it does pale compared to just how brilliant Mag 32 is. As the first real mention of the entities it reveals just little enough to keep the suspense whilst providing just enough answers that it's obvious in hindsight. But once more none of that matters in the face of “There is a wasps nest in my attic” the shere delivery of this episode has placed it in many people's favourite lists.

The Slaughter

Season 1: 7 The Piper

Season 2: 42 Grifter’s Bone

Season 3: 105 Total War

Season 4: 125 Civilian Casualties

Season 5: 163 In the Trenches

Overall: 42 Grifter’s Bone

Mag 42 is very interesting. I’ve mentioned in some of my other posts that Im pretty sure that Jonny Sims finds some fears harder to write and the Slaughter is definitely one of them but I’ve only come to this conclusion by looking at how frequently they show up but listening to the show you would never be able to tell and Mag 42 is one brilliant example of this it is a brilliant way to expand on how the Slaughter manifests.

The Desolation

Season 1: 37 Burnt Offering

Season 2: 67 Burning Desire

Season 3: 89 Twice as Bright

Season 4: 139 Chosen

Season 5: 169 Fire Escape

Overall: 67 Burning Desire

I find Mag 67 so intensely interesting as it leads into one of the major themes of Tma, that love can and will defeat and overpower even the most gripping fear. The simple love of a simple man sowed just enough doubt to destroy an avatar of destruction. Tma is filled with similar moments but personally this one is my favourite.

The Dark

Season 1: 25 Growing Dark

Season 2: 63 The End of the Tunnel

Season 3: 86 Tucked In

Season 4: 143 The Heart of Darkness

Season 5: 173 Night Night

Overall: 173 Night Night

I remember the reaction to Mag 173. It was so incredibly powerful to watch most of the fanbase (myself included) react in exactly the same way the characters did to the reality of this domain. First with dawning realisation, then anger followed sudden confusion at where to direct that anger. It was quite eye opening to say the least.

The Hunt

Season 1: 10 Vampire Killer, with notable mention to 31 First Hunt

Season 2: 56 Children of the Night

Season 3: 112 Thrill of the Chase

Season 4: 133 Dead Horse

Season 5: 176 Blood Ties

Overall: 112 Thrill of the Chase

I absolutely love Mag 112. It is such a brilliant idea, and as a result I end up valuing it a bit more than Mag 133 or 10 which are particularly telling for me as it proves that the Hunt is weirdly the fairest of the entities and absolutely condones fighting back and even killing its avatars or that it just cares about the circular nature of the hunt.

The Eye

Season 1: 23 Schwartzwald

Season 2: 53 Crusader

Season 3: 82 The Eyewitnesses

Season 4: 138 The Architecture of Fear

Season 5: 183 The Monument

Overall: 138 The Architecture of Fear

Oh Smirke. Poor naive and enlightened Smirke. I love Mag 138 more than the other Eye related episodes because it is due to this character that we even have a metric through which to observe the world of tma

The Lonely

Season 1: 33 Boatswain’s Call

Season 2: 48 lost in the Crowd

Season 3: 92 Nothing Besides Remains

Season 4: 159 The Last

Season 5: 170 Recollection

Overall: 170 Recollection

Covid lockdown hit me quite hard and I have not seen a single piece of media that captures the feeling of having hours and days drift into each other quite like Mag 170 so along with Mag 164 it has a very strange place in my heart.

The Extinction

So this one is a bit of a different situation so im gonna simply list my top five in order

175 Epoch

149 Concrete Jungle

65 Binary

157 Rotten Core

156 Reflection

Mag 175 is another example of a statement that my mind will drift to if I leave it alone for too long. From the vivid visuals to the subtext of the descriptions to the delivery of every line it is easily one of the best episodes of Tma in my personal opinion.

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ninjastormhawkkat · 3 years

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Another Wordgirl Au: Morally Gray Wordgirl

Morally Gray Wordgirl au

I don’t know if anyone else in the Wordgirl fandom thought about this at one point. A what-if I thought one day was what would have happened if Steven became Dr. Two Brains before Becky became Wordgirl? Such as what if Steven became Two Brains when Becky just came to earth as a baby? This is where the au begins

In this au, Becky is adopted by Dr. Two Brains. After Becky and Bob crash land on earth, Bob carries Becky around for a bit and enters the city. This is around the time Steven first becomes Two Brains. Bob, while carrying Becky, runs into Two Brains. At this point, Bob has no idea that Two Brains is a villain. Two Brains has cheese with him and Bob is hungry. Two Brains awkwardly hands some of his cheese to Bob. Two Brains may be a villain now but he is not heartless to not offer someone that is hungry food. Bob eats the cheese while Two Brains holds Becky. Two Brains is nervous at first because some random monkey just gave him a baby to hold😟. When Becky looks at Two Brains, she curiously calls him daddy. She is just a little kid who think that this new man holding her is her parent now. Two Brains heart just melts😍after hearing her call him daddy and looking into her innocent, alien, eyes. He immediately begins to dote on her as a dad would, ex. baby talk and cooing. Bob watches the interaction between Two Brains and Becky and decides that Two Brains would be a great person to stay with and raise Becky. He later regrets his decision.😓😆Here is an outline for how this au would go:

1. Becky still becomes Wordgirl. Bob tries to implement heroic morals into Becky during the time she is being raised by a villain. Becky wants to become a hero because she does not want to see the lives of innocent civilians hurt. However, since Dr. Two Brains also implemented villainous ideals into Becky growing up, her moral values are kind of mixed in her actions as a hero.

2. Becky is more sympathetic towards villains. Ex. When Chuck and Butcher claim to be innocent after being framed by Amazing Rope Guy, she immediately believes them and tries to figure out another angle of who really committed those crimes.

3. She isn’t as upset as when the spotlight is turned off her such as when Tiny Big came onto the scene or when Granny May became bingo champion. She is still upset, but Becky is not as focused on the limelight as canon. She, from Huggy’s teachings, believes that a superhero’s true reward comes from protecting the citizens and just helping when needed to prevent or avenge the cruelest of injustices. Wordgirl will accept gifts or keys to the city out of politeness. She uses the limelight to give the people of Fair City comfort and assurance that she is still there to protect them. Becky views heroism as a job more than a pleasure. It is basically, “You get good results based on how hard and well you do the work, not just what others say.” mentality.

4. That being said, Becky will not take a passive stance and try hard to prove her innocence if the citizens suddenly began to take advantage of her heroism or if they turn on her such as with the evil duplicate or when Granny May framed her for crimes. As I said earlier, Becky in this au views heroism as a job she enjoys and doesn't take impolite backlash, constructive criticism yes. Basically she just becomes done when residents of Fair City act like morons who think they know better. (I have always had a problem when a majority of the residents in Fair City act like gullible idiots. It always irks me how they will turn on Wordgirl easily and not often give a proper apology when they realize they were wrong. Sometimes, to me, it seems the villains have better appreciation for Wordgirl than the citizens. I am not including all citizens, just seems like a majority do this.) (Okay rant over.) Becky will be like, “if you guys don’t want me anymore then good luck.” She will intervene again just to keep the city from going into complete chaos. She still cares about the safety of the citizens, she just does not like it when they abandon their trust in her for no good reason. She is not even mad at the villains who cause this. They didn’t force the citizens to dislike Wordgirl, that was their choice.

5. Becky will not often take her dad to jail. She loves her dad and does not like the idea of him not being home (the warehouse; Becky’s living conditions their are like my version of the Becky Boxleitner au, just somewhat better due to her living their all her life.) She also does not like the idea of having to fight him, but has to in order to keep up appearances and not let anyone get suspicious and start suspecting her identity. That being said, she will let Two Brains escape after stoping the crimes depending on the severity. If Two Brains just steals cheese from the grocery store, she may often ignore it (its just cheese and it can easily be replenished). For crimes such as stealing money or turning artwork into cheese, Becky will stop her dad, but later act like he got away (if police are not around. “Two Brains Quartet” still happens because police are there.). Becky may do this sometimes for other villains depending on her or their mood. Citizens and Villains believe that Dr. Two Brains is an extremely tough villain to catch which raises his credibility as Fair City’s #1 villain when Wordgirl does this. Captain Huggy Face is not happy when Wordgirl let’s her dad go, but he deals with it because she cares about her dad. Becky does stand her ground if her dad, and the other villains, do something dangerous that affects the lives of the citizens. Incidents such as the plot to mind control all the city with bunny buttons and the cheesteroid do get Two Brains arrested. (Becky is like, “Sorry dad, but I can’t let you threaten the lives of innocent civilians.”) Since this happens rarely, Becky usually stays at her friends houses until her dad leaves prison. She has a visitor clearance and does visits with her dad when she can. (Still brings him cheese.) Not much interaction with the Botsford family unless they were a focus in episodes.

6. Becky is more aware of when villains act deceitful. (She was raised by one herself.) She pretends to be tricked to let their guard down before turning the tables on them. (She can be tricky and deceitful herself when she wants to be.)

The police force are more competent in this au than in canon. They were able to capture most villains, with exception to Two Brains and other major villains, before Wordgirl came onto the scene. The city was similar to Gotham before Batman showed up. It was fine, but crime rates were still high. The episode “The Wrong Side of the Law” happens differently than canon. Wordgirl is civil and polite to the police, but does really like law enforcement or fully trusts them due to her upbringing by a super villain. (Two Brains taught her she can respect law enforcement because they are capable of doing a good job, it does not mean she has to like them or follow the rules all the time. I sorta think that the villains have some respect for D.A. Sally Botsford because of how she is good at her job.)

Now on to “Normal” girl Becky. Becky is still referred to as Becky Boxleitner. (Dr. Two Brains did not want kids ignoring or making fun of Becky with a last name like Brains, or something mouse related. He wanted people to know and treat his daughter as herself, not just who she is related to. Two Brains also wanted to give Becky some protection so random people wouldn’t bother her because of his actions. So he just gave her his old human name.) Becky is similar to her canon character with a few changes.

1. Becky will empathize with someone if they are feeling upset and hurt. But if they are doing something dumb and stupid, or anything that is concerning to her, she will be upfront and honest with that person (not complete brutal honesty but something like “Please don’t do something stupid, I care about you and your health.”). She isn’t mean, but she is forward and won’t bother to hide feelings if hiding your emotions will only make the situation worse.

2. Both Becky and Wordgirl are sassy like her dad.

3. She is still passionate about words and respects her teachers and main authority figures.

4. Becky is more clever about excuses.

5. She enjoys science more as well as literature. Becky has top grades in her class. (Next to Tobey). She enjoys science fairs and is a bit better at creating workable, and visually acceptable, inventions.

6. Becky likes puns (Two Brains) and knows every fact about cheese as well as every fact about words (again Two Brains’ fault).

7. Becky is still a fan of Pretty Princess, but has ponies, books, and science stuff in her room. She is a bit more tomboyish than canon.

Becky is still friends with Violet in this au. I always viewed Violet’s mom as an open-minded nature women, based on Violet’s character and where they live. She is easily accepting of Becky and Dr. Two Brains despite Two Brains life as a villain. Becky is also forward early on how some of Violet’s traditions make her uncomfortable so there is no issue in the series.

Becky is more a fan of words and science in this au. She and Violet have fun mixing art and science. Becky does not take art classes, but rather is part of after-school science and reading clubs. (She takes science club with Tobey and reading club with Violet.)

Becky is also friends with Tobey in this au. I have nothing against Scoops’ character. I was just more fond of his character development in the episodes during and after he learns Becky’s identity, plus a few before the reveal. (In the early seasons, it seemed that Scoops would do anything for a big story, even as exposing Wordgirl’s identity as Becky. I was upset in that Vocab Bee episode because Scoops did not seem to consider Becky’s input or feeling when he found strong evidence that Becky was Wordgirl. To me it seemed unfair that Becky had to throw her chances at a competition she was having fun in just to protect her identity because of Scoops’ actions and attitude.) Tobey met Becky when they were between 5 and 6. Tobey just lost his dad (up to interpretation on how) and was just lonely. Kids would make fun of Tobey’s nerd-side and some other mean reasons, or they would ignore him. Becky sympathized with Tobey because most kids, not Violet, would avoid her because of her dad. (They would not dare bully her for fear of how Dr. Two Brains would react.) Tobey and Becky easily began to get along and overtime became friends. Claire McCallister was worried about her son hanging out with the child of a villain. But quickly after seeing how Becky was a good kid plus Two Brains being a good dad despite his status, and that her son was happy with friends, she let her worries slide. Claire, Dr. Two Brains, and Violet’s mom, have made an unofficial single parents support group between the three of them. In this au, Tobey does not become a villain, but still builds robots. (I already have a new villain that takes canon Tobey’s role.) Becky and Tobey are silently crushing on each other. Tobey does suspect Becky is Wordgirl, but respects her secret identity and will wait for her to tell him (or a reveal). (Still cares for her anyway.)

Scoops parents are friendly but are strong law-abiding citizens so they avoid Two Brains and Becky. Scoops in this au is nice, but is more concerned on news stories. He originally talks to Becky in hopes of getting an interview with her dad. Scoops is trying not to be inconsiderate, but he is sorta using Becky as a way to get to her dad. Becky deals with this stuff from other reporters and fans of her dad. Neither Dr. Two Brains and Becky like this attention. (Two Brains likes being in the news and in magazines, but he doesn’t like people using his daughter to get to him. Becky is the most important person in his life with cheese being second.) Becky shuts Scoops down after his first few initial attempts. Scoops is disappointed, but he apologizes and doesn’t bother her anymore. Becky is civil and polite to Scoops in this series, but that is about it. There is no crush. (I don’t know if I will keep the Violet x Scoops ship in this au or change it.)

I really like this au along with a few other aus I made up which include an Alliance Swap au. I am going to expand more on this au and the characters later.

#wordgirl au #morally gray au #a becky boxleitner au #with just a Dr. Two Brains dad twist #poor Bob #he has to deal with a good/evil Wordgirl #I just realize I made Becky a little bit like Manny Rivera from El Tigre #That was not my intention but okay then.#wordgirl #oc mention

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 3 years

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Face Value (S2, E7)

My time-stamped thoughts for this episode. As always I reference Malcolm’s mental health. A lot. So if that’s going to be a trigger for you, don’t keep reading.

SPOILERS AHEAD:

0:05 - Hold your horses. Malcolm taught at Quantico?!? I mean, I realize that he probably just did the occasional guest lecture (like most profilers?) but I’m still stupidly proud of him. <3

0:50 - ngl Malcolm’s a good lecturer. Take it from a university student.

1:13 - “It’s okay. We don’t know what you did and it’s not that mu-....BREATHE” Holy shit. I’m torn between ranting about what a great actor Tom Payne is and losing my mind because this scene is heartbreaking. Look at Malcolm. I swear he’s reminding himself to breathe - not Ainsley. He’s completely panicking but he’s trying so hard to be strong for Ainsley. This boy is an absolute treasure. Brother of the CENTURY.

1:41 - “You’re right Ainsley. I screwed up.” NO NO NO NO NO. Can you hear the sound of my heart shattering?!? This scene is so much more devastating the second time. When you know Ainsley is putting ON A SHOW HERE. Look at Malcolm’s face. He’s devastated. He blames himself for AINSLEY’S actions. He’s starting to genuinely believe that he’s no better than Martin Whitly. Malcolm’s depression/anxiety is through the roof in this episode. I honestly won’t be shocked if Malcolm has a complete mental breakdown in the next few episodes. Hell, I don’t think I’d be surprised if he tries to OD on his meds. This boy is in crisis and I’m terrified for him.

1:44 - “I think I did too.”.....this line is interesting. Is this part of Ainsley’s act or is she showing some regret for putting Malcolm through this much emotional torment? She can clearly see that this whole situation is literally destroying her brother’s already fragile peace of mind.

1:55 - “Today could be the day!”.....the day that everyone finds out about Endicott and Ainsley.....seriously, Malcolm’s daily affirmations this season have done nothing but feed his anxiety.

2:04 - OF COURSE. A call from Martin. Malcolm is going to have a mental breakdown. It’s just everything. All at once. I’m getting secondhand anxiety FOR him.

2:35 - hahaha Martin is a crazy, evil, pain in the ass but damn is he entertaining.

2:55 - 1) Ainsley looks adorable in Malcolm’s hoodie. 2) Ainsley straight up leaves his loft later in this episode. Did she hid a change of clothes in the loft before Malcolm got home last night? Or does she actually leave her big brother’s apartment in his clothes?

3:05 - “Getting hit by a train might be better.” Yep. Malcolm is entering a dangerous territory. I know depression is different for everyone but for me, when I start joking - out loud - to people I love about death in passing....things are bad. Like I’m getting suicidal bad. I know Malcolm has a morbid job and he talks about death all the time but this feels like Malcolm is starting to consider suicide as an option.

3:34 - I can see Ainsley’s “You were trying to control me” perspective. BUT honestly? Take a step back and listen to the desperation and fear in Malcolm’s voice. Anyone with half a brain cell can HEAR how scared Malcolm is and how deeply he loves his sister. Ainsley has known Malcolm her entire life. If she was functioning on all cylinders - she would know that Malcolm is just being a protective big brother. He’s not trying to control her - just help her. But this has been a theme for Ainsley since season 1 when she brought up visiting Martin during family dinner. She seems to believe that Jessica and Malcolm think that she’s a “fragile flower” and that she can’t take care of herself. I understand how that could be frustrating but I also find it concerning that Ainsley doesn’t seem to understand that they aren’t treating her that way because they think she’s weak or stupid but rather out of love. Ainsley acts like a petulant child about this sort of thing (anger, whining, eye-rolling). Ainsley acts very entitled a lot, in the sense that if something doesn’t go her way she just throws a hissy fit (think reporting and/or any Whitly family squabble). Ainsley is messed up. Unlike Malcolm, she doesn’t seem to have any self-awareness when it comes to her behavioural eccentricities. Malcolm actively tries to improve his mental state. Ainsley just throws a hissy fit when the world doesn’t bend to her will.....and this stream of consciousness Ainsley rant just became wayyyyy longer than I had anticipated (sorry).

3:41 - “Promise me.” See that look? Ainsley is pissed at Malcolm. This girl’s anger is concerning me.......what if (crazy thought) the season finale is Martin escaping Claremont to stop Ainsley from killing Malcolm?

3:43 - I wish I could be happier about this hug. Malcolm is finally getting a hug but.....he instigated it and he’s not the one being comforted sooooooooo I’m still unsatisfied.

3:49 - “Hey, you look...terrible.” SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS DANI!! God. I love how concerned she is about Malcolm. IDC how you feel about Brightwell. If you don’t think they’re good friends - you’re a moron.

4:05 - This is the moment when I went....oooohhhh yeah. LDP directed this episode. That’s probably why he’s not in this scene.

4:10 - JT is a GOOD husband. Give him a medal. Seriously - last season he was going to watch the Taylor wedding live with Tally (who was going to wear a hat <3 ), this season Mr. Masculine casually throws out stats about the Housewives. hahaha I don’t even care if JT genuinely enjoys the Housewives or not. I’m just so utterly delighted at the idea of him watching it with his wife and having a good time with her. <3 JT is the definition of a good husband and I’m HERE FOR IT.

4:34 - .......seriously? I thought Edrisa had realized that this crush is unrequited last season? I love Edrisa but her obsession with Malcolm is getting a little creepy. Like “13 year old in love with the 40 year old math teacher” creepy. It’s sort of cute but also like - gurl. No.

4:38 - Ok. Dani’s reaction to Edrisa hitting on Malcolm saves the scene for me. Lol.

4:51 - Ugh. That is a really creepy corpse.

4:56 - Look. We’ve all obsessed about it already but I have to bring it up: MALCOLM STILL HAS THE BRUISE FROM THE ELEVATOR. SOMEONE GIVE THE MAKEUP DEPARTMENT A MEDAL. THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR REMEMBERING MALCOLM’S PHYSICAL TRAUMA.

5:21- ......ok maybe I’m projecting my cynicism here but anyone who has framed newspaper clippings about themselves in their office is seriously egocentric. Maybe it’s just me - but that’s a massive turn off and takes someone out of the running for “angel” status.

6:10 - I’m sorry for every time I thought Jessica was a crazy rich lady during season 1. Birdie is so so so much crazier.

6:36 - “Only the men you date.” Bitch. OMG. Who says something that backhanded and cruel to their sibling?!?!? ......oh wait. I remember how this episode ends :|

7:15 - THANK YOU. I’ve been wondering about the status of Martin’s medical certification since I watched the pilot. SO happy to find out that he couldn’t weasel his way into keeping it.

7:37 - Like most of you, I’ve been creeped out by this whole Martin/Capshaw interaction since it was released as a promo clip. Seriously - it’s creepy. There’s an upsetting amount of subtle flirting here. I’m not sure what it is about Capshaw but her whole energy is just really unnerving to me. I immediately hated her in the promo. Istg Capshaw is an undercover serial killer or something. AND IF SHE BECOMES A LOVE INTEREST FOR MARTIN I WILL LOSE MY SHIT.

8:06 - Oh yeah. She’s either romantically interested in Martin or she’s a psychopath on the DL and is playing him.

8:12 - YAY!!! The Yankee mug returns!!! <3

8:34 - “Sometimes the most monstrous people are the ones hiding in plain sight.” Ouch. I know the writers like to project Malcolm’s emotional turmoil on the case of the week but hearing those words come out of Gil’s mouth?!? Ouch. That hurt Malcolm. Bad. It wasn’t even directed at Malcolm but damn. This is not helping his mental health. At all.

8:41 - Gil. Is. Concerned. <3 :) .....pretty sure Gil also suspects about Endicott and Ainsley by now too. .....hmmmmm maybe that comment about monsters was Gil’s way of trying to get Malcolm to confess (or to gauge Malcolm’s reaction)?

9:15 - I feel so bad for Malcolm here. He’s literally juggling everyone’s problems. Ainsley’s murder situation. Jessica’s personal drama. But is he dealing with his emotional problems? No. He’s too busy being a good son/brother. SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO MALCOLM. HE NEEDS A HUG.

9:35 - Deer. In. Headlights. Well....at least Dani knows Malcolm’s about to have a mental breakdown. This boy just got more information to help him crack a murder case and he looks confused, startled, and lost. He’s usually excited and motivated. This Endicott situation is slowly killing Malcolm. I don’t know how much longer he can struggle under the weight of the guilt.

9:48 - Look at this. Ainsley is pissed off that Malcolm isn’t paying attention to her. We know that this whole 2nd murder was a sham so WTF? Is she really just that hungry for attention? That sounds like Martin Whitly to me - the narcissistic psychopath who needs attention like an addict needs cocaine. Also AINSLEY’S acting here?!? We know that she’s lying to Malcolm but holy shit. She’s a really good actress/liar? What else has she lied about?!?

10:05 - Ok. So just when did Ainsley remember? I honestly think she’s known since at least 2x01.

10:20 - Look. I understand that Ainsley is pissed that Malcolm is trying to ‘control her’. But did she even listen to the desperation and fear in his voice? This boy wants her to stay in the loft because he’s scared of who she might hurt if she’s out in public, unsupervised. He’s not trying to abuse or hurt her - just protect her. Is he misguided -maybe? Should he have called the cops on Ainsley right away - probably. But he didn’t out of love. Ainsley doesn’t even seem to realize how much this whole situation is hurting Malcolm and that’s the biggest problem. She doesn’t show any remorse at killing Endicott. She’s just pissed off that Malcolm lied about it. SHE KILLED SOMEONE an she (outwardly at least) feels no remorse. This girl is a psychopath (sociopath?) and this will NOT end well for Malcolm and Jessica.

10:27 - This whole scene was awesome btw. Tom Payne flawlessly communicated Malcolm’s panic, fear, anger, and desperate attempts to stay calm. And Dani’s blatant concern (and suspicion) of Malcolm and his mental state. AND Ainsley being a little brat. Ugh. So beautiful.

10:45 - I love this scene. I love the fact that they have the type of friendship where Dani’s not afraid to call Malcolm out on his crap (trying to hide things from the team). I love that Malcolm isn’t offended that Dani called him out. He doesn’t lie. Ainsley is lost at the moment. Malcolm is more honest with Dani about how the whole Ainsley thing is affecting him than he is with anyone else. I love that Dani still looks suspicious and concerned. I love watching Dani piece this whole thing together. I’m honestly at a point where I think Dani is going to know about Endicott before Gil. I love that Dani gives Malcolm honest, judgement-free advise. Because she doesn’t like seeing how much pain Malcolm is in. I love that Malcolm isn’t completely shutting her out. <3

11:00 - “What if she already has?”.....yep. Dani is totally piecing the Endicott situation together.

11:09 - “I’m overthinking it.” THIS. There is a split second where you can see the betrayal on Dani’s face. She knows Malcolm is hiding something and she’s hurt that he doesn’t trust her enough to let her in. She’s also probably hurt because she views this as a lie - which brings back 1x20 memories.

11:35 - “Even when they’re as beautiful as you.” Ugh. I love this so so so so much. Look at how Dani absolutely lights up at Malcolm’s unintentional compliment. I relate to Dani in the sense that I’m a woman in a male dominated field (engineering). I can’t tell you how often men that she works with have probably objectified her, belittled her, and sexualized her. Malcolm isn’t doing this. He doesn’t call her hot. He doesn’t comment on her body or how she dresses. He doesn’t even acknowledge that she’s a woman. He just calls her beautiful. But he does it in a way that you can tell he’s being genuine. He doesn’t expect anything in return for the compliment. He’s not trying to play the long game. He’s just thinks she’s beautiful. He doesn’t even realize that he said it. BECAUSE Malcolm is in profiler mode. He’s focused on the murder - not Dani. He mentioned that Dani’s beauty off-handedly because 1) he believes it and 2) it was relevant to his profiling train of thought. BUT LOOK AT HOW MUCH IT MEANT TO DANI. <3 <3 <3

12:00 - Why is Chabra exiled to the corner of the room?!?! Someone explain this tomfoolery. Is it literally to just get across that Chabra is not the alpha in this corrupt plastic surgery business?!?

12:16 - Ew. Please never say YOLO. Ever. It’s cringy when kids say it but it’s so so so much worse when someone over 25 says it.

12:18 - hhahahahahahaha OMG. Dani’s face after he says “yolo”.

12:31 - Yep. This dude is an asshole. DO NOT try to convince Malcolm to get plastic surgery. The dude has enough problems without adding dysmorphia to the mix.

12:41 - Yep. Chabra is the little puppy that follows Donahue around and does the grunt work.

12:50 - LOOK AT THE NOD DONAHUE GIVES CHABRA when Chabra denies that stock has gone missing. Can you arrest someone for being a rich, corrupt, asshole?! Ugh. Hate him.

13:20 - Ugh. I really want to know more about Dani’s past. Who in the NYPD tried to belittle, micromanage, or sexualize her just because she’s a woman?

13:30 - “I want Donahue to be the bad guy.” PREACH SISTER.

13:48 - “Easy. We just isolate him with our own alpha males.” hahaha OMG. LET”S GO. I was so pumped when this scene cut to JT and Gil. BUT I was also a little sad. Malcolm doesn’t consider himself to be an alpha male (I mean, he’s not) but it really just drove home to be that Malcolm sees himself as broken. Gil has been Malcolm’s positive male role model for years. But Malcolm doesn’t think he’s anything like Gil. Malcolm thinks he’s broken where Gil is whole, weak where Gil is strong, and bad when Gil is good. It just sort of broke my heart.

14:00 - hahaha Chabra is just a wimp. Watching Gil and JT play angry cop, calm cop was so so so good though. <3

14:05 - This was the moment that I remembered LDP was directing this episode. I’m not usually someone who notices camera work or anything but this was a really cool shot.

15:00 - Oh c’mon. Seriously? Edrisa’s crush has gone too far. She knows he doesn’t like her romantically. Everyone knows it. Please stop this. I’m getting secondhand embarrassment.

15:16 - Did Edrisa think they were going to do it in the morgue?!? Those flowers?!? Like wtf. I can’t.

15:29 - I’ll give props to Malcolm here. He’s being really kind to Edrisa here. BUT HE NEEDS TO TELL HER HE’S NOT INTERESTED BECAUSE SHE’S CLEARLY NOT GETTING THE MESSAGE.

15:33 - Ugh. Look at how uncomfortable Malcolm is. This is upsetting.

16:08 - “What?!? How do you -” Panic. Pure panic in Malcolm’s eyes. Damn. This boy is spiralling. Someone needs to find out about Endicott. Malcolm can’t keep trying to protect Ainsley and Jessica alone. It’s literally killing him.

17:14 - “All she could see was the ugliness she felt inside.” “That’s a sad way to live.” .........the parallels between the plastic surgery, dysmorphia, and vengeful crime of the week to Malcolm’s current mental health and Ainsley’s crime is slowly killing me. I’m honestly getting annoyed that the other characters aren’t picking up on all the subtle references Malcolm’s making to the fact that he thinks he’s a monster. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO COMFORT HIM. THAT’S ALL. WHY IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK FEDAK!??!

17:30 - Another point to the Dani/Malcolm friendship. She takes out the gun and pushes Malcolm back. Is she trying to protect him? Technically, yes. BUT she’s just doing her job. I love that Malcolm respects Dani enough to let her take charge and do her job. I love that he’s secure enough about his masculinity to let her.

18:15 - Yikes. This woman is 90% plastic. Cosmetic plastic surgery is terrifying.

20:16 - Another reminder of the woman’s ward. Either Sophie Sanders or Ainsley is going to end up in that ward soon (I’m still half-convinced that Sophie is going to appear out of the woodwork and take the fall for Endicott).

21:49 - “...convinced her that she would never have a career unless she looked the part.” <3 Look at how disgusted Gil is when Dani tells him that. Gil is a good man and I love him forever. <3

22:33 - I love this. Dani and Gil are both concerned about Malcolm and communicating it in looks. It won’t be long until there’s a team intervention for Malcolm’s mental health (or at least, that’s my headcanon - if someone wants to write me a fic about it I’ll love you forever).

22:44 - WTF GIL. WHY AREN’T YOU ASKING MALCOLM WHAT’S WRONG?!?! IS IT BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW AND YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL ABOUT IT YET?!?!

22:49 -.....soooooo does this mean that Gil already knew that Birdie existed?!? How often did Birdie appear after Martin’s arrest?!?! I WANT DETAILS.

23:06 - Holy shit. Look at that little smirk Ainsley shoots Malcolm when he first walks in and sees her. Ainsley is maliciously toying with Malcolm and I DON”T LIKE IT.

23:14 - Jessica is concerned. I promise you Ainsley and Malcolm have rarely - if ever - fought like this in front of her. I was raised in single parent home after my abusive dad left. I know how that changes the sibling dynamic. No matter how genuinely pissed off you are - you don’t stress Mom out more. If you’re just annoyed with each other and doing regular ‘sibling squabbling’ - then you whine and argue in front of Mom. But if you’re seriously angry with each other - you deal with it when Mom isn’t home to see it because no matter what - you both appreciate how hard Mom is working to keep what’s left of your family together.

23:28 - “Malcolm. Looking more like your father every day.” BITCH. Did she just say that because she watched Malcolm go off on Ainsley? Sure, Malcolm was a little controlling (probably similar to a situation Birdie witnessed between Jess and Martin back in the day) but HOLY SHIT. That is your nephew. Maybe he’s having a bad day. Maybe being told he resembles a serial killer is really damaging to his already fragile pysche. I don’t like Birdie. AND I DON”T LIKE THAT JESSICA DOESN”T STAND UP FOR MALCOLM HERE.

24:00 - I don’t like this. These Martin+Capshaw scenes are really hard to watch. Martin is still acting like Martin - manipulative, egotistic, manicA. But he’s also acting like a professional doctor (an asshole doctor but still). It’s really disconcerting to watch Capshaw take his medical opinion seriously. Plus - there’s something about Capshaw that creeps me out. I just haven’t figured out what it is yet. But I’m pretty sure she’s a bad lady.

24:16 - “What bit should I use?” - See this? No. Just...no. I don’t like how she’s taking Martin’s medical advise to heart so readily.

25:04 - Why was Martin allowed to watch the procedure?!? He’s clearly getting a sick amount of pleasure from the blood and drilling. Look at the way Martin grins at Capshaw too. Martin is planning out an entire scheme to manipulate Capshaw into helping him escape. You can see the metaphoric lightbulb above his head.

25:29 - This meal. Seriously. Was I the only one who got a glimpse of the meat in a red sauce and thought “human meat”?!? No wonder Malcolm’s main food group is liquorice.

25:44 - Poor Jessica. She is not having a good time. Jessica’s behaviour in this scene is really interesting though. Jessica repeatedly shoots apologetic looks at Malcolm. She looks at Ainsley with fear. She looks super uncomfortable. She’s not saying much because she desperately wants a relationship with her sister but she also doesn’t want to belittle her son’s career. She’s proud of Malcolm - in her own way.

26:00 - “The family trust fund would run dry.” hahahahaha YES MALCOLM. THROW THAT SHADE. hahahaha

26:23 - “Most of the time anyway” Wow. Uncalled for. I know Ainsley is mad but this isn’t cool. I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that Birdie has been approached by Europol about the Endicott murder. I have this terrifying notion that Birdie is trying to collect intel so she can sell the information to Europol. If I’m right (which I’m probably not) this comment will not help Malcolm’s case.

26:41 - hahaha look at how annoyed Jessica is. Is she annoyed because her children are openly fighting in front of their Aunt when Jessica wants to portray the “perfect, undamaged family”? Or is Jessica annoyed because what Ainsley just said was out of line and she’s scared of Ainsley right now?

27:02 - “Why would you do that? I told you I would handle everything.” This. This is why I will argue that Ainsley is way out of line. Yes, Malcolm is sort of trying to control her. BUT listen to his words, the desperation and fear in his voice. Malcolm is trying to protect Ainsley. Ainsley has every right to be annoyed with him but if she was functioning at an adult mental capacity she’d be able to see that he isn’t being malicious.

27:35 - The fact that Birdie is a backstabbing, lying bitch is so frustrating to me. Look at how badly Jessica wants to have a healthy relationship with her little sister. Jessica just wants a girl-friend to confide in and drink with. I’m heartbroken that Martin stole that from her.

28:05 - I know LDP was directing this episode but JT or Dani should’ve called Malcolm. Why? This conversation between Gil and Malcolm (WHEN GIL IS WEARING HIS COAT) just makes me wonder - where is Gil going? JT is at Donahue’s apartment. Dani and Malcolm are going to talk to Chabra. Where is Gil going?!?

29:07 - ....how did Donahue get the coke into the cheetah? Was there a release thingy (like in a piggy bank) that Malcolm just elected not to use in the panic of the moment?

29:14 - “What else would you hide in a cheetah?” hahahahahaha

29:40 - “No. No. Only if I got the dose wrong.” Yikes. Malcolm is operating in full panic mode here. This is not good for his mental health.

30:08 - “This is the worst cooking show ever.” hahaha this was hilarious but cooking show? What? Do I not watch enough of those? Because I don’t see the link.

30:38 - The moment when Malcolm looks at Dani with fear. He thinks he just killed Chabra and he’s terrified that Dani is looking at him with hatred. :(

30:46 - The two seconds when Malcolm thinks he killed someone. Look at his face. That boy is broken. Again - if he doesn’t have a full on mental breakdown soon I’m going to be so annoyed with the writers because NO HUMAN CAN WITHSTAND THIS MUCH TRAUMA THIS QUICKLY - WITHOUT ANY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT - AND COME OUT FUNCTIONAL.

31:03 - “I do not miss drugs.” :O Dani :( Sweetie <3 Ugh. This line was heartbreaking because it hurts to remember that Dani had a drug problem. But it’s also really great. She was just in front of 1 gram of cocaine. She didn’t grab for it. It didn’t reawaken the urge to use in her. She was strong enough to say “I don’t miss this life” and say it OUT LOUD in front of Malcolm. <3 Friendship. She’s starting to trust Malcolm more. This is good....until she finds out about Endicott.

31:45 - Wait. If Birdie knew about Endicott and Jessica.....does she know about Gil?!?!

31:49 - “Trust but verify.” That’s such a heartbreaking way to live. I hate that she has to live in a world without trust because of what Martin did. I want Jessica to be happy. So so badly.

32:06 - .....how did Jessica find out about the book?!!?! Seriously.

32:17 - “Mummy”. Mrs. Milton is alive?!?! What. OMG. So....but how? Jessica is living in the Milton family home. Jessica is rich. But Birdie has been cut off from the family money. However, it’s clear from this conversation that Jessica and her mother aren’t on speaking terms. So how did this work? When did Jessica move into the Milton family home and why? Where is Jessica’s money coming from? Did Jessica invest her trust fund money smartly and make a fortune? Does Jessica still have access to the Milton family bank accounts?!? AND WHERE IS JESSICA’S DAD?!!? I WANT MORE INFORMATION FEDAK.

32:49 - Malcolm is his mother’s son. Look at this. Jessica is so hurt by what Birdie has done. However, Jessica sighs, takes a breath and helps her little sister out at the cost of causing herself pain. Malcolm would do the exact same for Ainsley. He has.

33:40 - “And do we need to talk about last night?!?” Gil has been different this season. Less soft. More strict.

33:51 - Look at how Gil stares at Dani here. He’s annoyed and concerned. Concerned because she was in close proximity to drugs last night. Annoyed because he created a monster. Gil put together is badass, sarcastic daughter with his unstable, awkward son and they are creating a headache for him.

34:41 - “even for consultants?” hahaha

36:50 - The irony that our killer of the week is a woman who is in pain, feels disfigured, and murders in revenge is so so thick.

37:18 - “It’s enough to drive anyone insane”.....like the emotional pain that Malcolm is currently suffering from?

38:42 - “The best revenge is letting him live like this.” The moment Malcolm realized that Ainsley was manipulating him. Look at the hurt and fear on his little face. :(

39:00 - Ugh. I can’t tell who’s manipulating who in this whole Capshaw+Martin relationship but it’s all gross. I swear if they become romantic I will puke. These two are a psychopathic match made in heaven.

40:08 - I could write essays upon essays about this final scene but I need to sleep. So it’s going into point form without time stamps:

First off - Halston Sage and Tom Payne give us an AMAZING performance in this scene and they deserve an Emmy for it. Seriously.

Look at how Ainsley walks into the room. She’s self-satisfied. She feels no remorse. She’s pleased that Malcolm has been suffering.

Look at how utterly empty Malcolm is when he greets Ainsley. This boy is in shock. He’s so deeply hurt and he just had one of his greatest fears confirmed - Ainsley is like Martin.

“Do you have any idea what you put me through?!?” This. Yes, Malcolm is upset and hurt but there’s a part of me that genuinely thinks this question isn’t rhetorical. There’s a part of me that thinks Malcolm is desperately trying to get Ainsley to admit to feeling remorse so that he can convince himself that his baby sister isn’t gone forever.

“Do you?” Ainsley is mad. She has a right to be. Malcolm did lie to her. He probably should’ve told her the truth. HOWEVER, if Ainsley was a functional adult - she would’ve just confronted Malcolm about it. She has every right to be pissed but her behaviour has been downright petty, juvenile, and cruel.

“Underestimated me. For months.” Is this the root of Ainsley’s anger? She mentioned something similar in 1x6 when Jessica and Malcolm tried to stop her from visiting Martin. She resents Jessica and Malcolm for treating her like a child. For trying to protect her from Martin. On one hand, I understand - that’s probably suffocating and frustrating. On the other hand, Ainsley’s acting like a child so....why wouldn’t they treat her like one?

“I have given up everything for you!! I don’t even know who I am anymore.” This breaks me. Malcolm is screaming through tears. He’s so utterly broken (this doesn’t count as a mental breakdown Fedak....you better give me more). Malcolm is rightfully frustrated that Ainsley doesn’t acknowledge that he literally threw out his moral code to protect her. That when this gets out - his relationship with his only real friends since he was 10 years old (JT and Dani) will probably want nothing to do with him. Malcolm probably thinks that Gil will abandon him WHEN the Endicott thing comes out. Malcolm has thrown his fragile mental health down the drain to protect Ainsley. He thinks he’s a monster. Yes. Malcolm made the choice to protect Ainsley. Ainsley doesn’t have to be grateful. She doesn’t have to respect his decision. But acknowledging that his decision was made out of love would sure help. Malcolm wanted to be a good big brother so badly that he threw away his sense of self.

“Protect me? Or control me?” Wow. Okay. I get it. Ainsley feels controlled which is bad for someone who likes being in control. But Malcolm was never trying to control Ainsley. Malcolm was trying to control a situation. Not a person. Is what Malcolm did right? No, lying to Ainsley wasn’t a great choice. But telling her the truth also wasn’t a great choice. He was damned either way.

“For someone who spent the last few decades trying to recover from being gaslight; it’s ironic how quickly you resorted to it.” Uncalled for. Was Malcolm gaslighting Ainsley? Technically, yes. HOWEVER, one of the main criteria for gaslighting is that the gaslighter is aware that they’re gaslighting someone. I honestly don’t think Malcolm realized he was gaslighting Ainsley - look at his face when she mentions it: he looks heartbroken. BESIDES. How is AINSLEY NOT GASLIGHTING MALCOLM RIGHT NOW?!?! “That’s exactly what Dad would say.” She’s trying to convince Malcolm that he’s just like Martin. She’s made him believe that she murdered a second person. She made him an accomplice to her fake murder. She knowingly continued with this ruse after he came clean and told her the truth. And he was nothing but supportive and protective. Malcolm helped her hide a body. Why is Ainsley playing the victim?!

Look at the torture on Malcolm’s face right before he apologizes to Ainsley for lying to her. This boy is being gaslight and he doesn’t even realize it.

FURTHERMORE I DON’T RECALL AINSLEY APOLOGIZING TO MALCOLM FOR MAKING HIM 1) HIDE A BODY, 2) LIE TO THEIR MOM, 3) LIE TO GIL, 4) AN ACCOMPLICE TO A SECOND (FAKE) MURDER, 5) LYING TO MALCOLM ABOUT THE SECOND MURDER. She just says, “Maybe it was a little over the top.” Come on. No.

“I appreciate that.” SERIOUSLY. Ainsley doesn’t even have the curtesy to say “I’m sorry too.” or “I know you did what you thought was best”?!? Her response feels bitter and angry. She doesn’t forgive Malcolm. She’s still livid despite the fact that her brother is literally breaking apart in front of her. There’s no questioning the genuineness of Malcolm’s apology. That’s sincere pain and remorse.

This whole scene is super disturbing because Malcolm is on the verge of tears. He’s visibly upset. Yet - Ainsley is channeling a quiet, disassociating anger (similar to what she looked like right before she murdered Endicott). She’s completely consumed by anger. She’s not acting rationally and it’s really disconcerting to watch the contrast between the two siblings.

“I had to make sure that you were never going to mess with my head again.” .....you know, a functional adult human (hell, even a half-functional adult human) would just verbally confront their sibling about it. They probably wouldn’t fully trust or forgive their sibling right away but they wouldn’t pull a stunt as cruel and malicious as Ainsley just pulled on Malcolm. The problem with Ainsley’s behaviour vs. Malcolm’s is this: Ainsley is intentionally hurting Malcolm out of anger. Ainsley wants revenge. Malcolm reacted out of fear and panic to protect Ainsley. Malcolm just wants to be a good big brother. Neither of them are perfectly in the right but Ainsley is so so so out of line.

“You need to lighten up. We got away with it.” Ainsley is a serial killer. Say it from the rooftops. This is the first time she’s shown an emotion other than anger/disassociation all episode. Ainsley is happy that they got away with it. Malcolm is crumpling under the guilt and grief but Ainsley is happy.

“No one does this murder stuff better than us.” Holy shit. I can’t. Malcolm looks so so so heartbroken here. He just realized that his sister is gone forever. AND AINSLEY damn. This girl needs some serious help. She’s going to kill again. She liked it the first time. I bet you she slaughtered the pig just to get her fix. She could’ve boughten the pig’s blood from a butcher shop or something but I bet you she killed the pig herself. And I bet you she liked it.

Hoxley is a flamboyant gay and a cocky profiler. That’s just a fact.

I can’t. Alan Cummings will always be the villain from Spy Kids to me. I don’t know how I’m going to take Hoxley seriously.

Yoooooo Endicott’s head is creepy af.

Damn. This isn’t good. Hoxley is going to ruin Malcolm’s life. I can feel it.

Okay. I loved this episode. I have a lot of feelings about it (obviously). I’m so bitter that we have to wait until April 13th for the next episode. See you guys next time. If you read this far - thanks for hanging out.

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randomfandom815 · 3 years

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Defending the women of LOST/Sexism in LOST

People say they don’t like Kate Austen because she’s “annoying” “can’t choose between Jack and Sawyer” “always wants to join every single mission”. Kate has way bigger things to worry about than sorting out her romantic feelings. Yes, she is developing feelings for both Jack and Sawyer, but she doesn’t have time to figure them out while trying to survive on the island. And the fact that people don’t like her because of the whole “I’m coming with you” thing is a little ridiculous, because they’re hating Kate for wanting to protect her friends and do whatever she can to help. You know who else does that? Jack. But plenty of people love him for those very same reasons. Yeah, a lot of Kate’s character was centered around the love triangle, but that isn’t the character’s fault, it the writers’s.

Then there’s Claire Littleton. People always complain about her “my baby!” thing, but... she only actually says that a few times, AND, if your child was taken from you or you thought your child was going to be hurt, wouldn't you be worried out of your mind? Wouldn’t you want to do anything to help them? People also criticize Claire for her entire Season 6 arc. She was alone, on the island, thinking everyone had abandoned her, with only the MIB for company. She was also tortured by the temple Others, who she thought had taken her child. Claire was a single mother who just wanted to keep her son safe, give her a break.

Sun-Hwa Kwon is a character who actually doesn’t receive that much hate, but there is still the fact that people don’t like her because she left Ji Yeon to go back to the island for Jin. Here’s the thing: Sun had no way of knowing what was would happen on the island. She had no way of knowing that Jin had time traveled to the past, and she had no way of knowing what would happen with the MIB/Locke. She thought that she would be able to go to the island, bring Jin and the others back, and the two of them would reunite with Ji Yeon. And then in the submarine incident, Sun didn't want Jin to stay. She wanted him to live and take care of Ji Yeon. It was Jin who made the decision to die with her, not Sun.

Shannon Rutherford is a very unlikable character. Even I don’t enjoy her character, or Boone, and that is a view shared by many other people in the fandom. Many people call her selfish, spoiled, and just plain rude. And she was all of those things, but that wasn’t her entire character. Remember, they had all just been through a plane crash, landed on an island with no chance of rescue. Also, friendly reminder that she was only 20 years old. She was scared, and her way of coping with that was to try to do something normal. Let’s not forget, in Pilot, Part 2, she volunteered to go on the mission to fix the transceiver. She was constantly feeling useless, and it didn’t help that other characters, especially Boone, were constantly putting her down and mocking her. When she started to see Walt, she genuinely made an attempt to help him, even though she wasn’t sure if he was even there. Her death was untimely, and I wished we had gotten to see her grow more as a person. Also, her death was used for shock value and to further Sayid’s character development.

And now, one of the most hated characters of LOST, Ana Lucia Cortez. Now, while the characters I mentioned above were shit on and criticized, Ana Lucia was absolutely hated by the fandom. People hated her attitude, her toughness, her dislike of most of the people around her, and the fact that she killed Shannon (who, by the way, was just as disliked by many Ana Lucia haters). You know who else has a similar attitude? Who has that same toughness and dislike of people? Who else killed someone? That would be Sawyer, a fan-favorite, white male character who is beloved by the fandom. Now, for the last point, what I am comparing here is Ana Lucia killing Shannon to Sawyer killing the man he thought was Frank Sawyer in Australia, right before flight 815. Ana Lucia killed Shannon because she was trying to protect the people she was leading (including Sawyer!) from who she thought was the Others, and killing Shannon was an accident. Sawyer killed the man completely on purpose and out of revenge. Oh, and it wasn’t even the right person. Yes, I am aware of the man Ana killed long before flight 815 out of revenge, but if we can take her very small amount of character development, in which she refused to kill Henry Gale, a known Other at that point. Whereas Sawyer was still willing to kill a bunch of people in Season 6, the end of his character arc. And yet, Sawyer is still in most people’s top five characters lists (just to be clear, I do not hate Sawyer at all, and this is not anti Sawyer but pro Ana Lucia). You may argue that people love Sawyer because of his character development, which I do agree with. However, Ana Lucia was never given the chance to have Sawyer-like character development because she was killed off in the same season that she was introduced in. She wasn’t even allowed to be in the church in the flash-sideways, and she didn’t get to “move on.” Ana Lucia deserved way better than the death for shock value that she got.

Next up on the list is Juliet Burke. She, like Sun, also isn’t the target of a lot of hate, but there are still things that need defending. The first thing is, of course, her sudden change of mind when it came to detonating the hydrogen bomb in Season 5. Yes, it was selfish of her to endanger everyone on the island just because of the way Sawyer looked at Kate. But if the plan did actually work, which she thought it would, that meant she would lose everything she had gained over the past few years, including Sawyer. Juliet is incredibly kind and feminine while also being badass at the same time, which is amazing because you don’t usually see those two traits coinciding (usually a badass character isn’t very feminine and a “traditionally feminine” character isn’t a good fighter). As for all of her motives in Season 3, Juliet was trapped on the island for three years. All she wanted to do was leave and go home to her sister. Yes, she manipulated Sun, but right after that, she made things right by helping Jack make a plan to stop the Others. Her death was heroic, and I’m glad she was finally able to be happy in the flash-sideways. (I am declining to mention her whole relationship with Goodwin and all the drama with Ben, although I might dive into that in another post).

Now, the character Rose Nadler has almost nothing that needs to be defended. She is a constant wise voice of reason who isn’t concerned with the drama of the rest of the survivors. Her relationship with her husband Bernard is very sweet, but she doesn’t let that stop her from doing the smart thing (like stopping his SOS sign idea). Not only that, but Rose has one of the best (and most meta) lines on the show: “If you say live together, die alone to me, Jack, I’m going to punch you in the face.”

Another character who doesn't need much defending is Charlotte Lewis, but not for the same reason as Rose. Charlotte was done dirty by the writers. Of the science team, she is the least fleshed out and explored. She had a single flashback and a little bit of exposition information from Ben, but that’s pretty much it. Every significant thing she did was for the sake of other characters. She had a fake-out death so Ben would reveal that he had a spy on the boat. She was taken to the Barracks so that members of Jack’s group would have a reason to go there. Her going to the Barracks was also an excuse to get Miles and Kate there. And she only died/was dying for shock value, to up the stakes of the time flashes, to provide more questions to the characters and the audience, and to further Daniel’s character development. In the flash-sideways, all she did was go on a date with Sawyer and further his character development. She didn't get to go to the church and move on. Daniel and Miles, the other members of her team, on the other hands were given compelling backstories and centric episodes.

Penelope Widmore is similar to Charlotte in that there isn’t much to defend because she doesn’t do much that affects the plot. Nearly everything she does is about Desmond, and the writers barely even gave her a personality. I’m sure Penny was an actually interesting person, if they had bothered her to give her any storyline that didn't involve her love interest.

Danielle Rousseau is a character that kind of slides in and out of the story as needed. Now, Danielle isn’t the subject of a lot of criticism just because she isn’t very focused on, but from what I have seen, here’s what I have to say: Danielle was alone on the island for sixteen years. And for sixteen years, she had to live with the knowledge that she was forced to kill the man she loved and her team. Not to mention the fact that her daughter, Alex, was taken away from her when she was just a week old. Can you blame Danielle for being paranoid? Her death was not a fair end to the character, and it was only used to kill off Danielle quickly and provide shock value.

Her daughter, Alex Rousseau, is similar to Charlotte and Penny in that she doesn’t need to be defended because everything she does is to affect other characters. In this case, those characters are Ben and Danielle (especially Ben in the later seasons). Danielle’s entire character is centered around the fact that she lost Alex and has been searching for her, and Ben’s motivations after Season 4 are largely motivated by Alex’s death. She herself doesn’t have much of a character arc, and her death was only to provide shock value and further Ben’s character development.

Another character that falls into the category of not having much to defend because every action is for someone else is Libby Smith. Once the tailies and the main survivors joined together, she was almost immediately shoved in a relationship with Hurley. The only things we knew about her backstory were that her husband died, she was a clinical psychologist, she was in the same mental hospital as Hurley, and she gave Desmond a boat. That’s it. She didn’t have a centric episode, and she only appeared in other people’s flashbacks. Her death was only to provide shock value and further Hurley’s character development, as well to show that Michael betrayed the survivors.

Notice how many of these women died for shock value and/or to further a man’s character development? Notice how many of these women are disliked for traits that other characters are loved for? Notice how many of them barely exist as their own character without a man? I love LOST, I really do, but their treatment of female characters needed a lot of improvement.

#lost #lost tv show #abc lost #lost tv series #fandom sexism #sexism in fandom #kate austen #claire littleton #sun-hwa kwon #shannon rutherford #ana lucia cortez #juliet burke #rose nadler #charlotte lewis #penelope widmore #penny widmore #danielle rousseau #alex rousseau #libby smith

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panharmonium · 4 years

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@once-and-future-gay asked:

how do you think will would react to how merlin treats mordred were he alive??

Okay, I LOVE this question.

And my honest answer to it is that I think if Will were alive, things would never have gotten to a point where Merlin felt like he needed to treat Mordred like that in the first place.

(more details under the cut, because this got long!)

The reasons why Merlin ends up in a place where he is able to make those kinds of cold decisions about Mordred are obviously super complex. But in the end, I think most of it comes back to the fact that by Season 5, Merlin has come to see himself as a tool. The ultimate fallout of Merlin being constantly told about his role in Arthur's life is that he comes to see himself as an instrument of destiny, not a person in his own right. His life isn't his own. He has no inherent worth, no inherent self, just a purpose to fulfill. His life was always earmarked for someone else. His value, in his own mind, is inextricably tied up with whether or not he can succeed in his mission. He doesn’t think he is allowed to have more than that. He doesn’t think he deserves to have more than that, frankly - every time he tries, something terrible happens.

This isn’t the case, earlier in the show. In the early days, Merlin still has hopes and dreams for himself. He still longs for a day where he can be known for who and what he is. He still chafes at having to hide. He still thinks he deserves better than what he has. He's still invested in his own life, as a person who is worth something just by virtue of existing. But as time goes on, those feelings start to slip away. He's still fighting, but for other people, not himself. He stops asking Gaius, "When do I get to reveal myself?" He doesn't expect that to ever happen now. He starts defining his worth as how well he can fulfill his “destiny,” and stops seeing himself as a person in his own right. He's been told so many times that his life belongs to someone else - that his only reason for living is to serve a higher purpose - that he now believes it. And that makes him more willing to do things (in service of that destiny) that he would have balked at when he was younger, before he lost his sense of selfhood, before he became just a tool to ensure that events unfolded as they were “supposed” to.

In the earlier seasons, we see Merlin defy Kilgharrah's directives on multiple occasions. He saves Mordred. He forces Kilgharrah to teach him how to heal Morgana, even after she's been revealed to be a traitor. He's not yet willing to do things he feels uncomfortable about to bring about “destiny.” He still thinks things can be better than that. But as time goes on (read: after Will dies, and especially once Lancelot is also dead) Merlin becomes so isolated from anything that isn’t The Mission. He has no “real” friends anymore. Which, as I've discussed before, isn't to say that he doesn't have meaningful, caring relationships with other people, just that every one of those relationships is, for him, undergirded by the knowledge that the friendship is conditional - aka, “if they actually knew me, they would hate me.” He has nobody to meet his most elemental need for connection - to be seen and loved for who he is - and by the later seasons, Merlin has been deprived of that kind of care for so long that he just stops trying to find it anywhere anymore. Every time he has had somebody to love him like that, it has gone horribly, terribly wrong, and by the time we reach S5, Merlin just feels like it's better for everyone if he stops feeling these "selfish" desires for real companionship and just focuses on the job he's meant to do, no matter how painful it is for him. It doesn't matter if he's miserable, as long as he's be able to bring about the better world that has been promised.

Lancelot is able to serve as a buffer against this, briefly, while he’s alive. His presence is a huge part of why Merlin is so happy in the S4 opener. Finally, Merlin has a friend to know him, to share his burdens, and everything is changing for the better. Arthur is basically running the kingdom, and it's only a matter of time before he actually becomes king. Traditions are already changing, by Arthur's command - now Camelot's most respected knights are commoners! The Crown Prince is publicly courting a servant! This is a moment where Merlin really feels that the moment he has been waiting for is right around the corner. He thinks they're almost there. He has so much hope, at the beginning of Season 4.

And then Lancelot dies - for Arthur - and everything starts spiraling. Lancelot dies on the altar of Merlin's destiny the same way Will does, and that breaks something in Merlin. He stops trying to make things better for himself. “Destiny” is going to take everything from him anyway. He gives up and accepts that the only worthwhile thing he can actually do with his life is to make sure that Arthur lives to create the better world that has been promised, and that he himself is always going to be alone.

And then Merlin is alone, for the next three years. And that's who he is when we meet him in S5 - disillusioned, desperately isolated, all of his personal needs subsumed for far too long. The only thing keeping him afloat is his mission, and he will do anything to make sure it succeeds, now, because if he starts doubting it, then that means that everything terrible that has happened has been for nothing.

And this is really why I feel that having Will around would change things, to a degree where I honestly can't imagine we'd ever wind up in a position where Merlin would have been self-abnegating like this for years, or would have allowed Kara's execution or told Arthur to reject magic just to ensure that Mordred would die (TO BE CLEAR - I'm not putting the blame on Merlin for what Arthur decides to do in 5.05. Arthur's a grown man; he's seen enough to have more nuanced opinions on sorcery by now).

Will is just....I know he was only in the show briefly, but his presence in Merlin's life was so much more important than that one episode, and his ABSENCE is more disastrous than is made apparent on the surface of things. Will is Merlin’s anchor. He gives Merlin something that Merlin cannot access from anybody else, Lancelot included. He is the only person in Merlin’s orbit who is not somehow connected/beholden to Arthur and Camelot. All of Merlin's other friends become knights, or become queen, or are deeply invested in Merlin's destiny and the emergence of Albion (eg, Gaius). Every single relationship Merlin has is with people who are committed to Arthur and Camelot in the same way that Merlin himself is. He has nobody to tell him “this is wrong; you're sacrificing too much,” because everyone he knows is on the same page as him. All of his companions are sworn to die for the realm. Will is the only person whose existence reminds Merlin “you mattered BEFORE you went to Camelot and got this magical homework assignment from the gods. You were just as much of a person back then.”

Will is the only friend Merlin has who links him back to his original self, who connects him to who he was before destiny buried its hooks into him. Merlin in S5 has been so alone and so put upon for so long that he believes his only purpose in life is to be an implement of destiny, but Will, if he were alive, would throw a fit every time Merlin started saying things like “his life is worth a hundred of mine” or “I was born to serve [Arthur].” Merlin might think he's a tool and that his life doesn't matter outside of its ability to usher in the new world, but Will wouldn’t tolerate that attitude. Will would tell him you are NOT a tool; you are a person, one who likes to read and whose favorite fruit is apples and who gets the hiccups when he eats too fast. You don't have to do everything somebody tells you to just because they told you to do it. That's the kind of wrong-headed thinking that got my father killed.

Will would never let Merlin arrive at a spot where Merlin felt like his life and his principles were disposable or worthless in comparison to the success of the “mission.” And Will would never let Merlin get away with doing questionable things in the name of keeping Arthur alive, either. Will, in canon, is the person who serves as Merlin's moral compass - in 1.10, Will is the one who's telling Merlin “it is WRONG for you to consider letting all of these people die in order to keep your secret safe.” Even Merlin's own mother won't tell him that - when she realizes that Merlin is planning to use his magic to help during the battle, she tells him not to do it, despite the fact that there is literally no way the village can defeat Kanen without Merlin's help. She advocates for Merlin to protect his own secrets, even at the expense of other people's lives.

Will, though. Will refuses to compromise. Will wants Merlin to be safe, too, but not at the expense of what makes Merlin who he is. Will KNOWS that sacrificing others for the sake of his secret isn't what Merlin really wants to do. Will knows Merlin is better than that. He tells Merlin to smarten up. He tells Merlin to do the right thing.

So like - having Will alive would change things for the following two reasons: 1) Will, in canon, is the person who tells Merlin “you deserve better than this,” and 2) Will, in canon, is also the person who tells Merlin “you ARE better than this. you can do better than this.” I don’t think Merlin would have made the same choices with Mordred if Will had been present for the previous five seasons, because Merlin would never have fallen so far into the “i don’t remember who i used to be and i can only see one purpose for my life now” hole. Will would not have let him get to that place.

Possibly more importantly - I honestly think if Will were alive, we might never have ended up in a position where Merlin had to make choices like that about Mordred in the first place. Will living would change the entire story. Now Arthur doesn’t just get to sweep the whole “oh man an Evil Sorcerer died/almost died saving my life; that really challenges my worldview; hope I don't have to think about it too hard” issue under the rug, like he does in canon. He’d have to be confronted with that continuously, every day. And he would not be able to just project his anti-sorcery beliefs onto Merlin like he does in canon, either - he would know that Merlin's best friend is a sorcerer, and that Merlin continues to stand by said sorcerer even after the sorcery itself has been revealed.

In canon, Arthur and Merlin avoid this topic forever, and I think Arthur honestly tries to forget it ever happened, because it's easier for him and makes him less uncomfortable, but if Will had lived, they would have been forced to deal with that friction every day, and Arthur would have been constantly confronted by the cognitive dissonance of “sorcery is supposedly evil, but how can it be, when this guy so obviously is not?”

Will being alive would mean Arthur had to confront his prejudices sooner, because a) I fully believe alive!Will would have eventually followed Merlin anywhere, even to Camelot, and b) once he was there, Will would absolutely have kept up the pretense of being a sorcerer. He would never have allowed Merlin to be endangered by him abandoning the ruse. So Arthur would have had to deal with that, and honestly, I’m not sure Camelot’s policies on magic wouldn’t have already changed by the time Mordred showed up again, in this timeline.

There’s one other thing that I want to be clear about when it comes to any question that deals with Merlin’s interactions with Mordred (or many of Merlin’s late-season decisions, to be honest).

The way Merlin ends up dealing with Mordred is obviously something that we all are watching the screen being like "IF YOU WOULD JUST BE NICER TO HIM EVERYTHING WOULD BE OKAY." Even before I finished Season 5, I typed up my thoughts/worries/predictions, and I said that I was concerned Merlin's behavior was going to be the thing that ultimately created the exact future with Mordred that he was trying to prevent. We all know it's a messed up situation.

But I also personally find it absolutely imperative to recognize the unique situation Merlin is in, and that Merlin doesn't react this way to Mordred just for the hell of it, or even because he wants to.

This is something I want to make sure I address, because when talking about the potential for alive!Will to have changed Merlin’s behavior, it’s too easy for the discussion to be framed like “Will would be able to stop Merlin from doing all those stupid/irrational things, like mistrusting Mordred,” and it’s also VERY easy for the discussion to slide into, “Everything that happens at the end of BBC Merlin happens because Merlin was so consumed by how much he cared for Arthur that he was willing to sacrifice everything to keep Arthur alive (and perhaps Will could have snapped him out of it).” But I want to be very careful not to give either of those impressions.

There are two things that I am dead set on remembering when I think about any and all of the decisions Merlin makes, including his decisions about Mordred: first, that Merlin does not suspect/reject Mordred (or support/protect Arthur) in a vacuum. And second, that he doesn't do either of these things solely on Kilgharrah's advice, either.

Merlin, on a personal level, does not want to be in conflict with Mordred. He still relates to Mordred as kin, even at the beginning of the Disir (“It won’t always be like this. One day we will live in freedom again.”) He LIKES Mordred, even, he tells Gaius. But when he says so, he expresses it like this: “I like him myself - but I can't ignore what I saw.”

To get into this in a little more detail - why does Merlin struggle with Mordred in the first place? Because he's been shown that Mordred is going to be instrumental in Arthur's death. And why is Merlin fixated on preventing Arthur's death? Because Merlin has been told, by multiple magical and/or godly powers, that Arthur is the key to establishing peace in Albion and returning magic to the land.

This is a non-negotiable point for me when I read things about Merlin's decision-making. I've written plenty myself about the messed-up place Merlin gets into in S5, where keeping Arthur alive at all costs has overridden every other aspect of his better judgment, but it is ESSENTIAL to me that we recognize that this is not something that happens solely because Merlin has a personal attachment to Arthur. He does care deeply about Arthur, obviously; he loves him - but that is NOT why Merlin in S5 is slipping into the murky waters of “save Arthur no matter what, even if it means doing things that go against my conscience.” His decision in the Disir - any decision he makes about Mordred, quite frankly - is not made because of a selfish, personal desire to keep Arthur alive. It is made because Merlin has been told, repeatedly, from all corners of the magical world, that keeping Arthur alive is the only way to establish peace in the world and liberate magic. And thus, by the time S5 rolls around, Merlin will do anything to achieve this, even things that seem on the surface to be working against these goals. He does not make his decisions because he is choosing Arthur OVER his people's liberation, but because he has been told that choosing Arthur IS the way to his people's liberation.

Merlin does not develop his obsessive fixation on keeping Arthur alive because his personal attachment to Arthur becomes so strong that he's willing to just let the rest of the world burn. He develops it because he has been told that Arthur is the key to creating a world where all people can be free. And it is ESSENTIAL to recognize that Merlin is not foolish for believing this, either. He isn't just listening to some random dragon spout nonsense at him. He has literal gods speaking to him, calling him by the name the Druids gave him and telling him his “time among men is not yet over”; he still has work to do. Druid prophets show him the future (Mordred killing Arthur) and urge him to “alter the never-ending circle of [Arthur's] fate.” Alator recognizes the legend Gaius speaks of as true and immediately offers Merlin his support. Bendrui like Finna (aka the remnants of Morgana's own sect, the High Priestesses) offer Merlin the assistance of further prophecies and tell him “without you, Emrys, Arthur cannot build the world we all long for.” The Catha pass on “ancient knowledge” about Arthur's fate that they've guarded for hundreds of years, in the hopes that it will help Merlin save Arthur’s life. The Fisher King recognizes Merlin as Emrys and tells him “I have been waiting all these years for the arrival of a new time: the time of the Once and Future King” - and then he gives Merlin the means to enable Arthur's victory in the S3 finale.

It's not just Kilgharrah telling Merlin about Arthur's destiny. It's the wider magical world - and bits of the divine world, too. Merlin is not stupid, gullible, or deluded to believe that Arthur's role in the prophesied future is true. It IS supposed to be true, in the Merlin BBC-verse. (And, once again, this is why the finale is, narratively speaking, garbage. But that's a topic for another day.)

All of that said - the fact that Merlin has legitimate reasons to believe what he believes and fight for Arthur's survival does not mean that every single sacrifice he makes in the name of achieving that goal is necessarily the only way he could go about things, and that, I think, is where Will being alive would have made a difference. Will, who loves Merlin more than life itself but does not care about Arthur or Camelot at all, would be a counterbalance to all the messaging Merlin receives about “destiny and Arthur over everything.” Will would have pulled Merlin back from the brink, with his stubbornly honest, “All right, so you have to do this, but not like this. Listen to yourself. This isn't you. This isn't the you I know.”

I don’t think anyone else could have done that for Merlin. Even at the very end of the show, after Merlin has been in Camelot for years, Will is still the longest-running relationship Merlin has ever had (excepting his mother, of course). Will is the only relationship Merlin has that both predates Camelot and isn’t even slightly concerned with Arthur Pendragon’s well-being. Will is the only one who isn’t beholden to Arthur or sworn to serve Camelot. Will is the only person who cares about Merlin instead of Arthur, not along with Arthur. Merlin has other people who love him, yes, definitely, but Will is the only one who says, “You, over everything else. You are the only thing on the map for me.”

The part Will played in Merlin’s life is not something that could be performed by somebody else. That loss is a hole that cannot be filled, even by other people who know Merlin’s secret. The history is unique. Merlin can’t just grow up again with someone else. Will was irreplaceable; the role he fulfilled in Merlin’s world was singular. Without his influence, Merlin is perpetually off-kilter.

Merlin needed someone like that in his life. He needed somebody to balance out the perpetual focus on Arthur+Destiny, which all of his other relationships encouraged, to varying degrees. The perpetual focus on Arthur+Destiny is what ultimately led Merlin to make the kind of decisions that he made with Mordred, but if Will had been around to push back on that, then I can’t imagine that things would have unfolded in the same way.

#very long answer for a short question i know #you can see why this would not fit in the message box #XD #thank you so much for asking; i enjoyed writing this up!#replies #meta #the once and future slowburn #no kings no masters #merlin S5

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myshyyangel · 3 years

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BLs of 2020 *year in review(>×<?) *

I decided to make a list of bls that I HAVE WATCHED and rank them. First half of the list will be the ones that were questionable, or just not... Good and disappointing. Other half would be the ones that were good or THE BEST. *REMEMBER THIS IS MY OPINION, THANK YOU. *

5. BenxJim - justnotg.

Although I didn't post anything about this BL in here, I did have a lot to say on MyDramaList. It was cute at first BUT it ended up just... Not being good. The acting is okay, everybody needs work, I think the script was the biggest flaw, there were some unnecessary points or plots and the only saving grace was Olan. I'll say this though, thank you, because it was filmed during the pandemic so thank you for being able to do the series. But. Re-watch value 5/10.

4. Oxygen - disappointed.

If you have been following me for a couple of months/weeks then you'll know how I feel about this series. Disappointed, at best. It started so cutely and soft, but it turned into the same generic plot, characters, and everything else. There was chemistry, but the characters WERE SO BADLY WRITTEN that there was no growth whatsoever. The only saving grace: PhuKao. Anything else, you can find it in another bl. Re-watch value 1. I can watch Sotus or anything else, it is honestly the same as Oxygen. Or if you want to read my other comments on the series, scroll down.

3. My Engineer - disappointed

Writers need to know about this word: balance. How would you make your SIDE CHARACTERS OUTSHINE THE WHOLE MAIN COUPLE? And the lack of chemistry. The biggest mistake is giving the side couple what the main couple is supposed to have. Aside from that, the direction was ok, but there was a lot to be fixed. The writers decided to give all the love to the other couples, while two of those LACK a lot of chemistry, the main and one of the side couples. The cutest was Lay and Perth and the doctor and the other student. It was disappointing because at first, it was a cute show *I need to stop calling them cute cause they end up being aksjaks*but after that, I WANTED TO SKIPPED THE MAIN COUPLE AND BossMek(?). Anyways, re-watch value 4/10 because you re-watch RamKing (2) and Brother LOL (2). Also, a second season is coming so...

2. My Gear and your Gown. - questionable

This is probably the only unfair addition to this list because... I dropped it. My bad. Let me pick it up, puuur. No, I'm just kidding. But I did stop and it was because I was not into it at all, it felt long and confusing. So that's why the questionable. I dropped right in like half of but even if did try to continue, it felt like a drag. The writing and the acting, I felt like it was not there. Idk maybe I should finish the whole series and then come back here to tell y'all how my mind changed but...

AND MY NUMBER ONE IS...

1. Still 2gether - not good/disappointing/whatisthis(?)/idonotsee.

I fear, I FEAR BUT. this is my opinion. There was no need to make this "spinoff, lemme fix somethin'" type of series special whatever it was. I was not excited about this after ep. 1. It was a drag. And the plot, the plot... FORCED. you can tell when a series is rushed, and enough time has not been dedicated to it. Aside from that, there are no cute moments on the series, yes, I know, "you must be blind or something", but no, I am not. The acting is there, but MAN this was not it. I would have rather wait for a whole year to get a second season WITH THE KISS than this. I know I am not the only one who felt this way. Anyways, don't drag me. There was nothing to fix from the first season, BUT TO IMPROVE and that's not what Still 2gether did. I'm pretty sure everybody loved the color pallette/scheme of the first season, and even that turned to sht on this special eps. The direction was choppy and the editing too. Re-watch value 5/10. And it's weird cause I haven't watched this eps since it ended.

I'll post the next half tomorrow.

credits to the creators of the gifs, I do not own any of these. If you see yours, dm me and I'll add your name here. Thank you.

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#ben x jim #oxygen the series #My engineer #my gear and your gown #still2gether #bl series #thai bl #bl drama #gmmtv 2020 #Bl 2020 #year in review #Year in bl #Disappointed #Questionable #Not good #2gether #2gether the series

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hangrypa · 3 years

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s/p first year as a PA

I was hired as a hospitalist primarily for the transplant service. However, in the setting of the pandemic and staffing shortages, I am all over the place now and work in almost everything non-pediatric and non-surgical.

In my first few months as a PA, I was incredibly overwhelmed. I went from being a learner who switches specialties every month to a fully-fledged provider making life-or-death decisions on an hourly basis. Oftentimes I’d find myself in the room of a patient actively crumping, surrounded by the patient’s family and multiple nurses awaiting instructions on what to do to save the patient. I thought that I faced a lot of pressure in school, but it was nothing compared to this.

And just when I started to get a hang of it all, the pandemic hit. What a nightmare. As mentioned above, I was hired to work with with transplant patients. Prior to the pandemic, my transplant colleagues and I were masking and gowning for almost every patient: 1 surgical mask and 1 gown per patient and per patient encounter. But once COVID hit, we were rationing PPE. 1 N95, 1 pair of goggles, and 1 face shield for the pandemic. 1 surgical mask per week, and 1 gown only if a patient had Cdiff or a history of MDRO bacteremia.

What did the pandemic mean for our transplant patients?

Our patients are on immunosuppressant medications to prevent transplant rejection. Unfortunately, this makes it difficult for them to fight infections.

Our department did what it could to prevent COVID. We'd test patients on admission for COVID, regardless of symptoms or exposure history. If they were positive, they went to the COVID team and quarantined on their unit for a period of time and had to test negative before returning to our unit and being transplanted. We took many other measures to reduce COVID risk to the best of our ability.

People still died. To see someone get transplanted successfully and then die of a virus is horrifying. Unfortunately, despite our admission tests, sometimes patients contracted COVID within the hospital. Patients would be happily FaceTiming their family one moment, telling them all of their plans for once they were discharged- then the next day they'd be intubated. We tried Remdesivir, Dexamethasone, prone positioning, etc. But the virus moved through them quickly, and these efforts often were too late. No amount of hoping and praying brought them back.

As a first year PA, I learned to go to an empty conference room, close the door, and remove my mask before calling to the family of the deceased. This way, as they gathered around the phone in their homes, the family could hear me unmuffled as I delivered the news. Also, this way my tears didn't ruin my mask for the rest of the week.

I learned a lot this year. It's been a mixture of crying and laughing. There are times that I question why I ever became a PA, and then there are times when this career feels like home. In addition to transplant, I’ve also been working in the ED, IMC, ICU, inpatient hospice, clinic, and infusion center these past 6 months. I’ve learned quite a lot along the way.

Lessons learned as a first year PA:

1. Check your pager hourly: This is in addition to checking it whenever you get paged. Sometimes I’ll get paged while I’m rounding, read it, and then forget about it. Now I go through my pager at every hour to ensure that I already responded to all my pages and then answer ones that I missed/forgot. On a semi-related note, a while back I wrote about good paging etiquette.

2. Let people know when you're out: I work a rotating schedule. As a result, it’s hard to predict when I’m in or out of the hospital. Sometimes I’ll come back on service and find urgent emails or texts that are a few days old. Now I leave an away message with my return date and my supervisor’s contact information on both email and hospital text. If someone really needs to get a hold of me, my supervisor has my personal cell phone number.

3. Be conscientious of what time you consult: I generally try to get all of my nonurgent consults done before 3pm. Many services have only 1 resident covering after 3pm, so I try not to page/call unless I have an emergency.

4. Call the nurse if something needs to be done urgently: Being a nurse means being the ultimate multitasker. Room 5 is due for his IV Amphotericin, Room 2's Foley is supposed to come out prior to void trial with Urology, Room 1's infusion completed and is beeping, and Room 4 is a bit altered and yanked out her PICC. Now I’m placing an order for Room 3 to get IV Lasix due to concern for pulmonary edema. However, the nurse may be preoccupied with Room 4 and not see the order in the computer for some time. If I really need to the patient to get the Lasix right way, I’ll place the order through EMR and then call the nurse and see what their situation is. If they’re crazy busy with Room 4 and likely to be unable to get to the Lasix within the next 15min, I ask whether they’re okay with me asking another nurse to give the Lasix now. Usually the answer is yes.

5. Value your nurses: Nurses know the patient best. They’re the ones answering call bells, giving meds, doing dressing changes, etc. Unfortunately they oftentimes bear the brunt of everyone’s frustrations, from patients to patients’ families to attendings to managers. Not to mention, they’re the ones doing the dirty work. Bedside nurses are the heartbeat of healthcare, but they also are high risk for burnout. Always support your nurses, whether that’s volunteering to answer a patient’s family member’s 17th phone call of the day or responding to a patient’s call bell yourself.

6. Know how to get a hold of someone quickly: It’s less than ideal to page someone repeatedly. At my hospital, if I need to talk to an attending urgently, I call the operator and ask them to connect me directly to the attending’s cell phone. If a patient is crashing and we’re not in the ICU, I dial the emergency number and call a rapid response, which sends people running into my patient’s room.

7. Plan your discharge meds from Day 1: The goal of every admission is to treat the patient and then discharge them safely. Send medications early for prior auth and call the pharmacy to make sure that they have medications in stock. (One time a patient’s insurance didn’t cover Levofloxacin, of all things.)

8. Keep social work and care coordination aware of all needs from the start: Does your patient looks unsteady? Place a PT/OT consult and let social work and care coordination know that the patient might require home therapy services and/or DME so that they can start looking at services and companies that may be covered by insurance. Does your patient have a central line? They’ll likely need a home health service to teach them how to care for it daily at home. Do they seem to require frequent transfusions? They’ll probably need labs on discharge. Is the patient’s living situation safe (no heat/AC, possible abuse at home, financial difficulties, etc)? They may need alternative housing.

9. The attending is not always right: Generally speaking, the attending has the last say on how the team manages a patient. However, I’ve come across situations in which an attending’s decision put a patient in more danger. Sometimes asking them about their decision can help steer the care plan toward better patient care. Other times you just have to stand your ground and be okay with being on the receiving end of an attending’s misdirected rant. Report these instances to your manager and to other higher-ups.

10. Always have gloves in your pocket: You never know when you’ll find a mess. Or which part of the body someone asks you to examine. Or how hygienic a person is (or is not).

11. Verify weird vitals: I was very new when I walked into work, opened a patient’s chart, and promptly bolted down the hallway when I saw a patient’s O2 sats recorded as 15-20s. I found the patient sitting up in bed, eating breakfast, and bewildered by me bursting into the room. Turns out that overnight someone mistakenly recorded his respirations as the O2 sats.

12. Remove whatever tubes you can: Anything entering the body is an infection risk. Does your patient still need that Foley placed by the surgery team? No? Yank it (don’t actually yank because ouch). Is your patient A&O and able to eat without aspirating? Remove the NG tube. Does your patient have good veins and require infrequent transfusions/labwork? Pull their central line.

13. Take a buddy with you to emergencies: Two heads are better than one. Even if you’re a seasoned provider and well-equipped to manage an emergency, you might need another body to help with performing CPR, making urgent calls, grabbing supplies, etc.

14. Ask your patients about premeds for procedures: We all have different levels of pain tolerance. A procedure goes far more smoothly if your patient is comfortable. Note: if you’re going to premed with Ativan or an opiate in the outpatient setting, make sure they have a driver.

15. Be good to your charge nurse and unit secretary: I don’t know how they do it. If I had to manage the unit’s signout, patient complaints, calls from other floor, being yelled at by providers, verifying paper orders, and finding beds for incoming patients- all at the same time - I’d lose my mind.

16. If your patient is mad, just shut up and listen: There are many things that you can’t control: the time it takes for a patient to get a room, the temperature of hospital food, the dismissive attitude of your attending, etc. And oftentimes the patient knows this. My reflex is to want to apologize for things and overexplain why different things are happening. But sometimes the patient just needs to rant. Take a step back and just listen. That can make all the difference.

17. Fact check your notes: The framework for your progress note often is the note from the day prior. It sounds obvious, but make sure that you go through the note and make updates and changes accordingly. If today is 01/15, there’s a good chance that the Fungitell from 12/31 is not still pending.

18. Try to learn some nursing skills: This is one of the areas in which I most envy my NP colleagues. If a patient’s IV pump is beeping or their central line need to be flushed, I oftentimes awkwardly step out of the room and look vacantly into the distance for a nurse. I’ve finally figured out how to spike a bag (albeit I do so very slowly, and it certainly makes the RNs giggle some). I talked to our unit’s nurse manager, and she’s willing for me to learn some nursing skills from the staff during a slow day- we’ll see when thing slow down!

19. Be kind: Generally speaking, being in a hospital is stressful. Patients are feeling out of sorts, and staff are working with constant dinging in the background. I rant plenty on this website, but I’m kind to everyone at work (with few exceptions) because it makes things more comfortable for everyone. Additionally, if you are always kind to your patients and colleagues, your reputation will speak for itself. One time I was walking down a hall with poor reception while on my ASCOM with a notoriously standoffish nurse from another unit. My phone cut out. She called my unit’s nurse manager to complain, and the nurse manager told her that I would never hang up on purpose. My interactions with the nurse going forward were always more pleasant in nature.

20. Support your team: The best colleagues are not the smartest colleagues; the best coworkers are the ones who have your back. Whether it’s a medical emergency or just a strange situation, it’s important to be supported and to give support.

I know that I’ve learned a lot more than this, so I’ll likely be adding to this throughout the year. Happy Snow Day, all!

#hangrypa #PAblr #physician assistant #PA-C #PA

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just-a-fangirl13 · 3 years

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MacGyver s5 theories..Time jump? MacRiley? Trust issues and more

OKAY! So we finally got our first (3) SNEAK-PEEKS at 5x01 and I have soo many thoughts.

Here are the links incase you missed it: https://just-a-fangirl13.tumblr.com/post/636474561109639168/the-new-sneak-peeks-for-macgyver-5-01-are-out

Firstly let’s talk about the elephant in the room...The TIME JUMP....?

MacGyver writers really like their time jumps. From season 3 to season 4 we lost about 18 months, and in that span of time the Phoenix shut down, Mac and Desi dated, lived together, had a pet? and a “nuclear breakup” and then proceeded to live their lives, Riley also started seeing someone then moved in and had been living with him (Aubrey) for about 6 months and of course Bozer directed his own movie. So clearly a lot happened.

This 10 month jump might not be as eventful (or can it be?!) since it seems that the writers have included the pandemic into the storyline. Now if the characters were quarantined like we were I have tons of questions..

IS THE PANDEMIC OVER IN THEIR WORLD? WAS IT A DIFFERENT KIND OF PANDEMIC OR COVID? WHAT ARE THE REPERCUSSIONS?

DID THEY STILL GO ON MISSIONS? or were they literally just doing nothing like the rest of us? *I wonder if Mac burnt down the house....hehhehe*

DID RILEY MOVE OUT? or was she stuck quarantining with Mac and Desi?

DID MAC AND DESI BREAK UP? I cannot imagine them quarantining together for 10 months and maintaining their sanity. 10 months is a long time for MacDesi and if they survived it... It is possible them breaking up this second time around (for MacRiley to happen) just got a whole lot more complicated.

So there are 2 possibilities because we know Mac and Riley have to happen at some point RIGHT?!! *I WILL LOSE IT IF THEY DONT*

1. Mac and Desi broke up a few months in and this press release photo has more going on then meets the eye. At face value it seems like Mac and Desi might still be dating but I doubt that very much. Why? ill talk about that in a minute. Also if they broke up a few months (into the 10) that would leave sufficient time for Mac to get his head back in the game and if he and Riley happened then she wouldn't look like a rebound. (OH GOD PLEASE BE THIS!!)

2. Mac and Desi haven't broken up but knowing their track record they haven't exactly had a smooth 10 months. Now this would mean that when they do break up eventually, (there is a certain chance they may not at all and MacDesi might be endgame...NOOO) we will actually see it happen but I dont know why the writers would want to risk pulling the show down by anchoring Mac and Desi in this chaotic relationship not a lot of us are even fans of and slowing down the whole timeline of things. This is the theory I am not a big fan of but I guess we will know in the next 48 hours.

Okay now that we have the relationships out of the way lets talk about the plot.

We know Codex isn't done yet. LeLand is still out there and they seem to be the main focus this season. Again we dont know much about this and only time will tell.

The team does seem to be back and going on their usual missions but you have to remember there are around 4-6 episode from the original season 4 that never aired (due to covid). Plus the show runner changed so it will now be an alternation between the old s4 episodes that are definitely more Codex focused and the usual missions that might somehow tie into the big picture (even if they dont im not complaining!) This will give them time to develop the other plot lines and hopefully give us some happy moments too! (can we not kill anymore of Mac’s blood relatives? oh wait THEY ARE ALL ALREADY DEAD!!)

Another HUGE THING that I am very happy that the writers decided to tackle in terms of inter personal drama is trust issues.

As we all know when Mac kinda-sort-of went rogue towards the end of season 4, Riley was the only one who had complete faith in him while Matty and Bozer knew there was clearly more going on....BUT Russ and Desi didn't stop for even a second to consider that Mac might be doing the right thing.

Now you have to know this. Russ and Desi are not only new to the team but the world is very black and white for them. (Desi more than Russ actually) While Russ did some very gray area things he always thinks like a soldier just like Desi. For them people are mostly good or bad. You cant do (kinda) bad things for good reasons.

As we saw in the sneak peek where Russ doubts Mac and Mac gives Russ a piece of his mind about not trusting him, there is definitely a lot of conflict going on. (I expect Mac to have the same issue with Desi because if I remember clearly unlike Russ, Desi never apologised to Mac about holding him at gunpoint. How pronounced that issue is and if Mac and Desi break up because of it..only time will tell.)

I have to say though Mac telling Russ off was pretty amazing. It seems like he’s finally talking his mind and not taking shit from people. I cant wait to see more of sassy Mac!!! (wonder what brought that out...hmmmmmmmhmmm)

The events of season 4 are definitely going to influence a lot of what happens in season 5 and I cant wait!! Less than 48 hours to go!!!!!!

P.S. One more quick thing. Everyone has been saying that since MacGyver now has a LA unit Jack might be back since George Eads wanted to be closer to LA but all the shooting for MacGyver happened in Atlanta so that problem might have been resolved (I dont know how likely or unlikely that is its just something that came to my attention).

Also our favourite psychopath aka Murdoc could show up in S5 too since David Dastmalchian the actor who portrays Murdoc is also in LA right now (or at least he was till the 29th of Nov) along with Meredith Eaton for whom travelling to Atlanta is dangerous because she has several health issues. (I am happy they haven't written her out completely just because of COVID) We shall just have to wait and watch!

#macgyver #cbs #cbs macgyver #angus macgyver #riley davis #macriley #macdesi #desi nguyen #wilt bozer #russ taylor #matildawebber #lucas till #tristan mays #macgyver fandom #one day to goo #macisback #macisthebest #macgyverstills #macgyverseason5

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musingsofanunorgainizedmind · 3 years

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Top 10 Things I Love About Supernatural

It’s been almost half a year since the show ended and now that the dust has settlIed, I just want to list ten reasons I love this show. Despite it’s flaws, it’s been quite the ride.

1. Team Free Will

When I first got the idea to make this list, I originally planned on doing entirely separate entries for “Sam & Dean” and “Destiel”. Except then I wanted to pay tribute to “Sastiel”. And then I wanted to do an entry for “Team Free Dads”. By that point, I was already halfway through the list and I hadn’t even moved on from the main characters. A few months ago, I made a post about why I love every single pairing in this group. Obviously, Sam and Dean are a legendary duo. Obviously, Dean and Cas have an unparalleled story. Obviously, Sam and Cas are an underrated team. As for Team Free Dads, I’ve always had a soft spot for father/mentor figure characters and and all three tackle the role in different ways. I love Jack, too. I love how everyone in this bizarro family is “broken” in some way. We’ve got the Allistair’s prized pupil, the spawn of satan, the boy with demon blood, and the angel who nearly obliterated all of heaven. But they help each other heal by being supportive and seeing the good in each other. They all love each other so deeply and when together, nothing can stand in their way. Not Michael, not Lucifer, and not God himself. They tore up the book and wrote their own story. And it was a pleasure to watch it all unfold.

2. The Suppporting Characters

To list every single supporting character I have loved and lost in this show would take way too long. I don’t know if it’s the writing or acting performances, but I love pretty much every single supporting character on this show. Even villains like Azazel or Allistair are top-notch villains. Hell, I even like characters like Metatron, Lucifer, Mary, and John! Characters like Rufus, Charlie, Crowley, Rowena, Kevin, Ellen, Jo, Bobby, Gabriel, Balthazar, Mick...how am I not supposed to love them??? All of their stories were cut so short. I’d watch a show about any of these characters. The Wayward Sisters were robbed. So many ships were gone too soon (Sam/Rowena, Dean/Jo, Cas/Meg, Etc.). So many heartbreaking deaths. I want to be best friends with all these characters. Why be a “dean-girl” or a “sam-girl” when you can be a garth-girl? A kevin-girl? A claire-girl? A bela-girl? There are so many great characters with interesting and compelling backstories and so much untapped potential. I could go on forever on this, but I digress.This show has one of the best supporting casts I have ever had the pleasure of watching.

3. The Themes

It’s no accident that I got addicted to this show at the time that I did. Namely, my Senior Year of College and 2020. Graduating college and entering the “real world” felt like it’s own sort of apocalypse. 2020 definitely exacerbated my worst tendencies. Messages like “family don’t end in blood”, “you can write your own story”, and “always keep fighting” really resonated with me. I could definitely relate to the feelings of insecurity these character’s felt and the ways they suppressed/repressed their issues instead of facing them. I could relate to the feelings of not fitting in and I could definitely relate to the loneliness. This show helped remind me that I’m not alone. That it’s okay if my values and identity don’t line up with the what I envisioned for myself. And, most importantly, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that I should never give up. If Dean, Sam, and Cas can keep moving forward despite their demons and despite how bad it gets, so can I. Regardless of how the story ended, these themes resonated with me and I’ll still hold them with me. A single episode can’t take that away.

4. The Fun Episodes

This show has so many legendary standalone episodes. Changing Channels. Ghostfacers. The French Mistake. Fan Fiction. Tall Tales. Bad Day at Black Rock. When this show goes for the absurd, it goes all-in. It takes the risks it needs to take, it gets completely insane, and it pulls it off. So many of these episodes could have easily been the moment that the show “jumped the shark”. Yet, time after time, the show delivered on it’s potential. I don’t know how much I can say about these episodes except that they made me laugh out loud, made me fall even harder for these characters, and that they’re the episodes I remember best. If I were to rewatch any episode, it would be one of the fun ones. This show knew how to not take itself too seriously and how to poke fun at itself. I’ve always had a soft spot for shows that can make me laugh and cry (X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel, Doctor Who, etc.), and this show definitely nails the fun part.

5. The Sad Episodes

Death’s Door. Hammer of the Gods. Despair. Carry On. Abandon All Hope. In My Time of Dying. Swan Song. When this show wants you to cry, it doesn’t pull the punches. It gets downright devastating. No character is safe. Literally every character you love will either be forgotten or will die. Or both. The amount of trauma Sam and Dean have to go through is insane. Both have literally been to hell and back. Both have killed countless people, including innocents. When this show decides it wants to wreck you, it’s overwhelming. I sobbed when Bobby died. I sobbed when every single member of Team Free Will died for the final time (I still can’t watch any of those scenes). I still wish Jo, Ellen, Charlie, Kevin, Mick, and Gabriel had been given more time to tell their stories. Being a hunter means a life of endless angst. Being an angel or demon doesn’t get you off the hook, either. I remember going into this show thinking it couldn’t hurt me. My favorite character type is “mentor/father figure”. But holy hell...I don’t think every single sad moment was necessarily good writing, but when it was? Damn.

6. The Biblical Themes

I’m not a relgious person. But, despite this show being steeped in Christian mythology, it really touched on my feelings about the Old Testament in a profound way. Well, really just Ben Edlund and Robbie Thompson did. I’ve never seen a show really hit the overall feel of the bible the way this show does. The idea of Angels as mystical and terrifying creatures. The idea of God as a flawed father figure with a penchant for wrath. The sheer epicness of the biblical stories. The idea of family members constantly being turned on each other. Cain and Abel. Jacob and Essau. Moses and Ramses. Moses and Aaron. Abraham and Isaac. The bible is full of stories of family drama. This show doesn’t always give angels and demons weight. Sometimes it’s silly and stupid and cheesy. But when it hits right? It’s epic. This is more of a personal thing I love about the show, but definitely a plus!

7. The Music

The early seasons music is so good. I really miss the classic rock of the golden era of the show. I mean, there are still some great musical moments later on, but damn. I loved hearing songs I recognized and I loved learning new songs. I loved when the song and the scene hit perfectly in time (Death’s intro. Cas’s return in Season 13.). Also Supernatural wouldn’t be Supernatural without the ‘Carry On My Wayward Son’ song at the end of every season. Even at the end of a season I didn’t love, that recap would always get me pumped. Also Chuck singing Fare Thee Well? Dean and Lee singing together? Fan Fiction? All great.

8. The Cast & Crew

I never care about the actors or actresses in a show. I definitely don’t bother with the names of specific writers and directors or their styles of writing/directing. They’re just random people who happen to write for or play these characters I love. They’re not actually the characters. But these guys? Well, for one, I’m pretty sure half this cast actually is their character. At least to some degree. They’re also just...really cool people? Who are all friends? They make a point to do community service, to interact with fans, and to promote positive ideas. Jared’s Always Keep Fighting campaign. Misha and GISH. The fact that they all participate in fundraising opportunities and encourage fan engagement. Do they all have issues? Definitely. Have they said stupid things? Yes. But the good far outweighs the bad. They’re an entertaining bunch whether onscreen or not and I hope they all do well in whatever their future endeavors may be.

9. The Fandom

I joined this fandom late. To be honest, I thought this fandom was obnoxious before I found myself a part of it. Now that I’ve been in the trenches? It’s got it’s ups and downs like any fandom. There are some parts that are more toxic than others. A lot of people yelling that their opinion is the only opinion. But overall? The good outweighs the bad. And the good? The good is great. Some fanfictions I’ve read are better than actual books I’ve read and just as moving. The fanart? Incredible. I love reading all the metas about random aspects of the show I never would have noticed. I love the music videos and I love the analytical videos. In real life, I’ve made many friends through our mutual love of this show. Hell, even getting sucked into GISH once or twice has given me some solid memories and brought me closer to friends. I wish all fandoms were this much like family. I’m so glad I got to be a part of this fandom and I can’t wait to continue being a fan. After all, nothing ever stays dead in Supernatural.

10. The Chaos & Insanity

Season 16 has been a time. First, Destiel went canon. Then suddenly Sherlock was having a 5th season, Putin was retiring, and Georgia was going blue. Destiel going “canon” and Joe Biden winning the presidency will always be correlated in my mind now. Things in the fandom went from quiet to blaringly loud real fast. Carry On happened. The fandom went into a civil war. I can’t even remember half of what happened in Season 16, but it’s been a wild ride. There’s been ups (my personal favorite being the french dub and the Saileen wedding). There’s been downs (Jared’s controversial statements and the original scripts being leaked). At one point Misha Collins had sex with Bill Clinton???? It’s been a wild time. It’s honestly gotten me through the end of this pandemic. At least it’s entertaining. I would say that at least all the craziness is over, but is it ever really over? Every time I say that something else completely insane happens. But it’s been fun. I’m glad I started watching this show despite my reservations and here’s to whatever happens next.

#team free will #team free will 2.0 #castiel #jack kline #sam winchester #dean winchester #sam and dean #destiel #wayward sisters #supernatural #spn #misha collins #jared padalecki #jensen ackles

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