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gayleafpool · 8 months

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Give me some Varian and/or Hugo related angst

Just rip my skin off with it

Go hard bestie

FUCK YEAH

-i think all interpretations of donella are fun, she’s not real so ppl can imagine her in any way they’d like. however my interpretation of her is that shes. kind of awful. she’s cold and distant and imagine she likely had a rough upbringing but she’s the type to think it made her stronger SOOOO she subjects hugo to the same things she went through to try to make him stronger. perpetuating the cycle type shit. i think he got his eyebrow scar from her. i think as he grows older is capable of physically overpowering her but he is so afraid of her that he would never be able to do it because she has so firmly cemented herself in his mind as someone he needs to fear and respect. i also think that donella does actually care about him but she’s so awful at showing it that it doesn’t matter. and when hugo finally is able to leave her behind she’s kind of shocked and it prompts her to try to make things right but it’s just too late there’s nothing to salvage

-building off what i just said i think donella would be very adamant about hiding weakness and pain n stuff. so when hugo gets injured on a mission he learns he has to hide it or she’ll yell at him for showing weakness. so he learns to either take care of his wounds by himself if they’re bad enough or just try to pretend they’re not there. fast forward to him meeting varian and he gets injured one day idk stabbed or something and nobody sees bc he hides it but he can’t get access to stitches or anything to clean it for a lil while so it gets infected and he gets ill and then of course varian finds out and helps him clean the wound (his hemophobia ran away for the day idk. or maybe the wound isn’t bleeding anymore so it’s fine. or he’s not looking too close) and hugo is like. pissed tf off because he hates that he needs help and hates how it makes him feel and varian is just so kind and gentle with treating his wounds and it makes him feel WEIRD and i think after that he has a bit of a moment bc being cared for after so long of not being able to show pain just kinda makes him realize how sick of this he really is

-when varian finds out how badly hugo had been treated by donella i think it would help him forgive hugo fairly fast bc varian understands how it feels to be used and manipulated by someone who has power over u. i think i’ve said it before but i think he had a real bad time in prison. why did they put him in a cell with a grown man. that was such a bad idea. i will not go too in depth abt it but i think he endured a number of types of abuse while there and i also think he would struggle to understand that it was a bad thing. he just lost all of his friends and his father he’s got nobody i think he would be so desperate for someone to care about him that it doesn’t hit him how fucked up the things he went through were until a little bit after getting out of prison. i think he ends having major issues with dissociation after prison bc of what happened to him and he’ll just kinda space out. i have soooo many feelings about this actually this is something very personal 2 me i could go on and on and on damn maybe i should write a fic. alexa play hard times by ethel cain but heed the content warnings

-hugo has major issues w food insecurity. he spent most of his life having to struggle to steal his own food bc donella couldn’t be bothered to take care of him. adjusting to a life where food is always readily available and free would be hard for him. i think it would make him angry. it’s just been this easy this whole time for all these people? why did he almost starve so many times back when he was just a kid? why did he watch the same thing happen to other kids around him? actually just in general i think hugo harbors a lot of anger and frustration towards royalty which again. makes living in the palace very tough. i think it’s at a level where he’s not even annoying and antagonistic towards most people in the castle it’s just like this quiet hatred bc it’s a wound that cuts so deep for him. he doesn’t even really wanna speak to them. doesn’t wanna be around them. i don’t think he really ever gets over this and i think the only person he ever really truly grows to trust (besides varian) is cassandra actually bc she very much understands how he feels

-varian varian varian my bpd king i think he is so talented at forming unhealthy attachments. he’s a weird little guy who spends all his time in his lab so he did not have any friends as a kid and probably got bullied tbh i mean he’s a tiny little nerd and basically for the longest time his dad was his only friend thus u have his first unhealthy attachment there which would explain him going off the deep end when quirin gets nerfed. i also think he got extremely attached to rapunzel eugene and cass as soon as they were nice to him bc again. no friends +ough the disorders. and he puts them on a pedestal. i think this also happened w andrew while he was in prison. and this habit of his makes him miserable bc he gets upset when he can’t be the center of their universe or when other people take priority over him or when he’s not getting the attention he wants but it also makes him more likely to endure being treated badly bc he can have a hard time differentiating between good and bad attention

-i think hugo is scared of becoming anything like donella and he’ll often catch himself doing things to other people that she used to do to him the cycle she perpetuated is so aggressively trying to suck him back in bc she’s literally all he ever knew. he had nobody else to look up to and all she ever taught him was how to be cruel and how to use others and hurt them when they didn’t behave the way you wanted to and it sucks bc he has seen that it WORKS. it’s awful and it’s cruel but it works. and sometimes his brain will tell him that it would be so much easier to just scare someone into doing what he wants but then he remembers that’s what donella would do to him and he just kinda. spirals because he can’t take the idea that someone who caused him so much pain is becoming a part of who is he and he can’t stop it because it’ll happen almost unconsciously sometimes

#asks #OUGH I EXPLODED SORRY #they have soooooo many issues #abuse #<- just in case #also there probably so many typos in this #varian

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oleanderblume · 2 years

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Catastrophizing a lot recently.

Specially cause I just got done filling out top surgery consult forms.

So I'm thinking about like, how having top surgery is gonna change my experiences in day to day.

I'll pass better, which is fantastic. Conversely, I'm am still deathly terrified of using the men's room 100% of the time and when I'm feeling particularly scared (usually when someone is right in front or behind me when I'm going into the restroom) I don't my mask and use the ladies. Totally relying on the fact that I just have massive honkers.

Or the very uncomfortable idea of basically outting myself everything I show my license. And as a commercial driver, I do that quite a lot.

But like, I think that's something I can handle.

Right now, my brain is going mostly to worries about hippa, roe v wade and stuff because I'm terrified that if it gets overturned and my medical records are able to be viewed, it would be ridiculously easy to point at me and say "trans" and that is, to say the least, terrifying.

Cause I'm of the mind that if something doesn't change and change fast, I'm gonna be on a train to the nearest ghetto along with every other "undesireable" in the US.

And then, in the corner of my brain, on a completely different note, I am fucking terrified of the idea of spending a month post on at my parents. Cause that's the only place I can be realistically, since I don't have my own house and my sister has a toddler.

My parents aren't...very accepting. My mom had a big breakdown over me simply mentioning top surgery, and I legit asked my sister to take the consult pictures for me cause my mom is weird and really likes to talk about my breasts. Like, in a very strange "I'm jealous of your titles even though mine are cosmetically perfect in comparison" and she's done that since I started growing them.

So I just know that she is going to be "mourning" the loss of my boobs or some weird and frankly posessive shit like that.

And my dad, well. I fucking hate my dad. He beat my brother on more than one occasion and he's a chronically narcissistic abusive jackass. He gets violent when he's angry and I have had a consistent terror of him physically harming me in some way purely because I'm not what he wants.

He's blown up at my nephew (the toddler) over my name. Because my nephew corrected him, as taught by his momma (my sister is fucking awesome)

So it's not like I'm not hyper aware of his behavior.

The worst fucking thing though is this fear is mixing with my trauma and a very very deep seated fear that I deliberately shove down and ignore on a consistent basis.

Being a survivor of csa and all. I'm legitimately horrified by the prospect that my dad had anything to do with that abuse.

So of course, my brain immediately goes to "when you're recovering and less mobile and hopped up on drugs he could do something awful to you"

The awful thing ranges from strangling me to death (yay) to taking advantage of me because I'm loopy and can't easily move around.

And it's great because it's all on the basis of him really fucking hating me being trans. Like. He doesn't like me as it I because I was the first one to go to therapy, come back and call him out on his bullshit.

And he's constantly under the impression that I can somehow hurt him or put him in jail (wonder why that is, dad...what did you do??)

On top of me being the family tranny and openly lgbt+ person who doesn't take his shit anymore, AND makes more money than him.

He harbors a lot of resentment for me to say the least. And the idea of being as vulnerable as post op for at least 3 weeks, in a house with a disingenuous mother and a downright abusive father, and the only means of separation being my scrawny ass brother and a thin, hollow door...is really fucking scary.

I know I'm probably freaking out like, 10 times more about it than the actual threat of the situation. Doesn't help that I have 11+ hours a day to have vivid imagined scenarios of whatever could possibly happen.

Mostly this is me just venting and putting the fear out into the void cause if I don't I'm worried it will make me hesitant to get the procedure in the first place. Which is put of the question, I've saved up for 4 years to do this I'm not fucking backing out now.

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thegeminisage · 3 years

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john abused both dean AND sam, just differently. in this essay i will

prove that the abuse manifested in different ways for each of them because that’s how abuse works in real life. this is based on the fact that john saw dean as mary’s surrogate but once he found out about the deal and sam having demon blood he blamed sam for her death. ok let’s fucking go

dean as mary’s surrogate

there are loads of parallels made between dean and mary in early season spn and late season spn. in season 12 dean directly calls himself sam’s mother, but even earlier than that we see him doing the cooking and child rearing. compare that to all the parallels made between sam and john (both of them losing their blonde woman significant others in a ceiling fire) and it’s clear that dean was meant to more resemble mary. it’s not a stretch to say that if we can see it as viewers this is how john saw it in his actual life. i do think john loves dean for being dean but he loves him more for being mary.

sam as the reason behind mary’s death

i think once john learned that sam had demon blood, some part of him must have always been waiting for the other shoe to drop with sam, not ever fully believing this kid was human, and maybe not even knowing if this kid was HIS. a popular theory back in the day was that YED fathered sam (something they had to actually address in season 4 to stop the speculation), and if WE speculated that hard, surely john must have too. i’m sure he loves sam as an extension of mary, and keeps and raises and protects him BECAUSE he’s mary’s, but similarly (or maybe inverse) to dean, i don’t know if he ever fully gave himself permission to love sam for being sam. in fact, i imagine john harbors a lot of self-loathing for failing to save mary. if we directly parallel john and sam, that means by some extent he would also hate sam.

john trusted dean with far too much, and sam with far too little

dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. dean had memories of their mother and the night she died, and shared that trauma of watching her die with john; sam didn’t. dean knew when john was supposed to be home and who to call if he wasn’t; sam didn’t. dean was given the money and the guns and the CAR ITSELF; sam wasn’t. dean was taught to drive; SAM WASN’T.

dean was expected to do everything john was supposed to have been doing in his absence - he was to be a mother and father to sam, he was supposed to protect sam from evil, he was supposed to see to sam’s meals and homework and getting to school on time. and he was put under an EXTRAORDINARY amount of pressure not to screw this up even a little bit, despite the fact that he was only a kid. sam on the other hand was kept on a strict need-to-know basis for his entire life, right up until season 1 when they reunite at last. john didn’t trust sam with ANYTHING, and sam knew it. this contributed to his lifelong anger issues because he didn’t DO anything to warrant that kind of mistrust and probably got gaslit about it a lot of times either by john himself or dean (unknowingly, by parroting/believing the things john said). even in the pilot sam says very casually of his mother “she’s gone,” because her memory doesn’t hold the same place of reverence for him - best guess is that john didn’t talk about her much to sam because he didn’t trust sam with emotional stuff either. in s14 we learn that dean was the one who told sam stories about mary, including her terrible casserole - and their attempt at recreating it infuriated john to the point of him throwing the entire concoction in the trash.

john relied on dean for everything, and refused to rely on sam for anything

canonically dean was the one who comforted john after a bad hunt, looked after and fed his brother when john wasn’t around. dean knew how to use a shotgun; sam didn’t. dean knew who to call in an emergency; sam didn’t. dean knew about monsters; sam didn’t. this was done under the guise of “protection for sammy” but turn it around and it’s also protection FROM sammy. think of how angry john gets when he learns sam has been having psychic visions. he’s not just angry that dean didn’t report it to him, he’s angry that the demon’s plans for sam are coming to pass, and that sam is becoming less human. again, he can’t TRUST sam if sam’s not human, and it proves to john that he was right all along to keep sam in the dark as much as possible.

john gave dean too much freedom, and sam no freedom at all

“watch out for sammy.” sam was under constant supervision by either dean or john; john made sure of it. again, it’s protection FOR sam but also protection FROM him, in case he did something inhuman or evil. dean on the other hand was left alone without any supervision at all for days or even weeks at a time - he resorts to stealing bread and peanut butter and (according to jackles) turning tricks for money. he had to make it work and got up to whatever the fuck he wanted when john wasn’t looking. sam had to LITERALLY run away from home before he got the simple pleasure of eating pizza and having a dog by himself, independently. dean was given too much independence and freedom but sam was kept on such a short leash he had none at all.

john made dean feel unworthy, and he made sam feel unclean

when dean fails to protect sam from the shtriga in the season 1 flashbacks, he says his dad looked at him differently after. he also implies that john physically beat him when sam ran away in flagstaff. whether he meant to or not, john made it abundantly clear that his love for dean was not unconditional; it depended very much on how well dean performed the multitude of tasks john assigned him. dean grew up believing that his only worth was in what he could do for other people. he demonstrates this an an adult over and over and over, from letting his possessed family members beat him up to refusing to take care of his own needs, emotional and otherwise, and snapping at people who try to talk to him about his own feelings.

on the other hand, sam talks in season 8 about how even at a very young age he felt impure and unclean, even before he knew that he had demon blood, even before he knew that there was any such thing as monsters. kids aren’t stupid, and sam picked up on the vibes john was putting off - that john didn’t trust him, might not have loved him, and might not have considered him human or even his own child. without even knowing why, he spent his entire life feeling unclean and inhuman, not worth of being loved by his own family. even dean, who we all know loves sam unconditionally, admits in season 14 that he often took dad’s side on arguments because he had “his own stuff,” further leading to the alienation that was sam’s constant companion growing up.

AND, MOST IMPORTANTLY:

JOHN’S ABUSE PITTED SAM AND DEAN AGAINST EACH OTHER

john saved dean after their shared trauma of mary’s death. dean says in season 1 that the reason he stopped talking was that he was scared. iirc john’s journal implies he was mute for over a year, and dean in season 2 says that when he was 6 or 7 his dad took him shooting for the first time. if mary died just before dean’s fifth birthday, the timeline works out to dean talking again because john took him shooting. i believe that dean hero worships his father because after mary’s death, and dealing with the terror that something like that could come in and take his family away by killing them horribly at any time without any warning, john learning to fight back against the darkness - and teaching dean to do the same - is what gave dean his voice again. BOTH of them saw and carried the memory of mary burning on the ceiling for the rest of their lives. “watch out for sammy” and “get the thing that killed mom” were dean’s reasons to get up in the morning, because they were john’s reasons to get up in the morning. these things were LITERALLY his reasons for living. john gave dean a way to fight back against fear and gave him a cause to keep him going. abuse or not, dean never stopped being grateful for that, and he was the only other person in the whole world who understood the unique horror of what john went through that night. even all the way into season 10, he tells other people that john did right by him. it’s borderline brainwashing. part of dean’s self-worth will always be based on how good of a son he was to john.

on the other hand, knowingly or not, john did everything possible to alienate sam. he kept him on a short leash while also keeping him at arm’s distance. he didn’t trust sam with emotional things like the memory of mary, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about monsters and what they did for a living, he didn’t trust sam with his plans, he didn’t trust sam with the truth about demon blood. canon STRONGLY suggests john knew YED bled in sam’s mouth as a baby, but instead of telling sam or even dean about that, sam had to learn about it in a horrible flashback recreated by YED himself. when sam wanted to go to school, john told him no, and when he left anyway, john told him not to come back.

this is an equal but opposite kind of abuse. john totally fucked up BOTH his kids in complete inversions to each other.

which means that, no matter what john did, it caused sam and dean to fight. this isn’t an interpretation. this is straight up canon.

again, dean says in s14 that he frequently took dad’s side in arguments because he had his own stuff to deal with, and he was trying to keep the peace. dean, a victim of emotional (and implied sometimes physical) abuse himself, was not able to shield sam from all of john’s bullshit. he could stop sam from getting hit and having to see john during the worst of his drunken rages, but he couldn’t trick sam into thinking john loved him unconditionally, because john didn’t love either of his kids unconditionally.

when john acted in a way that was not befitting of a parent, sam rightfully took exception, which forced dean (who was ALSO BEING ABUSED, almost brainwashed) to jump to his defense. that led to john getting to do whatever the hell he wanted and sam and dean arguing about the effects. when sam ran away in flagstaff, DEAN was punished, leading dean to resenting sam for that incursion, even though sam was perfectly right to want to get away from an abusive household. when sam did a normal thing wanting to leave for college at age 18, he left, and dean resented him for that because that meant he was alone to bear the brunt of john’s anger.

sam repeatedly made logical, emotionally healthy choices in attempting to break the family dynamic, but because of JOHN’S BEHAVIOR, not sam’s, those choices wound up causing dean harm. JOHN HIMSELF was the ultimate wedge between sam and dean growing up and beyond.

and let’s not forget the biggest sin - john spent 22 years impressing upon dean that taking care of sammy was EVERYTHING, and then without any explanation at all, he asked dean to kill him, and then he DIED, which meant dean had to carry that weight by himself (because again, he’s been trained not to trust sam with things). like of COURSE sam got angry when he found out - that’s fucking fucked up! once again sam is being treated like a ticking time bomb for absolutely no reason - he didn’t ask to have demon blood or psychic visions or a dead mom or an abusive father. nor did dean ask to be saddled with the upbringing of an entire human at four years old who he then might have to kill. because dean will always feel gratitude towards john, and sam will always feel resentment, and because based on john’s treatment of them BOTH OF THESE FEELINGS ARE JUSTIFIED, john continues to cause fights between sam and dean long after he’s dead and gone, and that will never change.

on a final note: i’d like to bring this around to season 13.

after cas, mary, kelly, and crowley all die (or are presumed dead in mary’s case) in the season 12 finale, season 13 opens with nobody but sam and dean and jack. dean directly blames jack for these deaths. he says so multiple times. he says where jack can hear him that he knows jack is evil and impure and cannot be saved and calls jack a freak. when jack tries repeatedly to kill himself dean says to jack’s face not to bother, because WHEN jack does go bad, dean will be the one to kill him. dean does NOT see jack as castiel’s child - he sees jack as someone who brainwashed cas and kelly both and got them killed. dean does not even see jack as a human person worthy of life. from the get-go, all he wants is to put jack down. jack is born into a world shaped by pain and grief and anger, where people hate him simply for what he is and who died to get him here.

and again, sam identifies hard with jack. he justifiably protests dean’s treatment of him. jack is a kid and didn’t ask for any of this. jack is terrified of dean. sam reminds dean that john said all these things about sam that dean is saying about jack. john is still causing a rift between his sons over a decade after his death.

eventually, after jack uses his powers and brings back cas from the empty, dean pulls his head out of his ass and admits that he was wrong. he calls jack his kid more than once, and jack refers to dean as one of his dads. but the damage has already been done. jack struggles multiple times with his powers, accidentally hurting people and then wishing himself dead after. he also struggles without them; even when using his powers means using up pieces of his soul, he does it, because dean taught him that he’s only worthy of being loved and trusted if he’s “good.” even when he has NO SOUL, when jack does something bad he panics about it and seeks to undo it at any cost. that’s how deep the damage runs.

i see a lot of people remarking that in the arc of 13.01-13.05, dean became john, and i agree that he did. but dean didn’t do to jack what john did to him. dean did to jack what john did to SAM.

[spn masterpost]

#supernatural #dean winchester #sam winchester #john winchester #jack kline #liz watches spn #liz's meta #liz's spn stuff #YES YOU CAN REBLOG THIS PLS DO I WORKED HARD ON IT.#WHEW. glad i got that off my chest #this is why u can't call it the widow arc #sam revisited a WHOLE childhood of trauma here #the arc is about all of them!!!!!#backtagging to add #broken road #brcu

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silkling · 3 years

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This is part two of an ask box fic. For part one, click below.

Part 1

———————————————————————————————————

Cody had been expecting to see Blades sitting in front of the TV when he and the others returned. He had not been expecting to see the large bot the team had rescued holding the copter while said copter made a sharp, painful sounding noise. When he, his siblings, and the other three bots had returned to the firehouse, they’d been chatting and teasing Heatwave about his increasing frustration with his difficulty at contacting Optimus. Then when they’d gotten down to the bunker, the three Cybertronians had abruptly stopped talking, before they’d looked concerned and panicked and rushed ahead. The humans had followed as quickly as they could, and the group arrived to see Blades in the large bot’s grasp, making that noise that Cody didn’t know the meaning behind.

The large bot noticed the, first, and a sharp, red gaze snapped to the group. “More younglings, little one? I suppose I should not be surprised, the Rescue Force did tend to match teams within the same age bracket.” he remarked.

Cody didn’t know what a “youngling” was by Cybertronian standards, but to human ears it sounded like the new bot was calling Sigma-17 kids. Or at the very least, younger than adults.

Heatwave clearly didn’t care about what the bot had to say. “You let Blades go!” he snarled, stepping forward and looking ready to tackle the larger bot.

Blades had startled and gone silent when the bigger flyer spoke, but at Heatwave’s words he jumped and pulled himself free, gathering his pedes under him and standing between his team and the larger bot. “Wait!” he protested. “He wasn’t hurting me. I was kinda…collapsing, and he kept me front falling.”

Cody frowned. “Why were you collapsing?”

“He told me something that Optimus should have told us a long time ago. Something very bad.”

“And what was that?” Kade snipped, eyes narrowed.

“I’d be curious to know too.” Dad’s voice came from behind them. Cody turned to see his father stepping out of the elevator. “But first, maybe we should sit down. Something tells me this news isn’t going to be pretty.”

“You are a clever human.” The stranger rumbled. “I believe that would indeed be best.”

Heatwave growled, but nodded stiffly. “This way.”

He led them to the lounge area, where everyone got settled and comfortable. The stranger sat on the floor, Blades and Boulder took the couch, and Dani and Graham sat beside their respective partners. Heatwave sat leaning against the couch, and Kade sat leaning against him. Chase pulled over a Cybertronian sized beanbag Graham and Boulder had made, and Dad squished in next to him. Cody, after a moment of consideration, stepped in and sat in front of the newcomer. The large bot shot him an arched brow, and the human just smiled and waved in response.

“So.” Heatwave grunted. “What’s this news?”

“We’re the last Rescue Bots.” Blades cut in, voice quiet.

Chase was frowning. “That is not entirely news. Optimus implied as much when we asked him about the rest of the Rescue Force. I assume the rest of the Rescue Teams were folded into the Autobot ranks when the War began.”

Boulder frowned. “That would make sense, though I have a hard time believing the others would just….abandon in the oaths of neutrality we all took.”

“They did not.” The stranger cut in. “When the War began, the Rescue Force remained neutral. They aided and rescued mechs from both factions. Megatron offered them the chance to join the Decepticons, and they refused. They wished to hold true to their oaths to serve and protect all who needed it. Megatron did not take kindly to the refusal. In order to make an example of them, and also to remove a faction that would aid his enemies, he destroyed the Rescue Force Headquarters and offlined every Rescue Team there. Survivors of the initial attack, as well as those who were simply not present, were subsequently hunted down and slaughtered.” he said bluntly.

There was dead silence in the bunker, with horror growing palpable in the air.

“Dreadwing.” Blades’s voice was weak. “Maybe that was a bit blunt.” He glanced at his teammates. “I think he’s right. I found a mention of the “end of the Rescue Force” in one of High Tide’s data pads. Plus…remember what Optimus said when he first saw us? “I was not aware Rescue Teams were still active.” That’s what he told us.”

Dreadwing. So that was the stranger’s name. Still, he was more worried about the bots. Boulder looked horrified and increasingly sick. Heatwave looked stunned and angry and grief-stricken all at once. Chase looked disbelieving. None of them seemed to be able to protest what they’d been told.

“Dreadwing, is it?” Dad’s voice rose in the silence. “You seem to know a lot about the topic.”

“Any Cybertronian who was alive at the time knows about the Fall of the Rescue Force. It was a great tragedy.”

“That’s why Optimus is so adamant about keeping us here.” Blades whispered. “He knew. He probably thought we’d be in danger if any other bot knew what we are.”

“You would be.” Dreadwing agreed. “If Lord Megatron were to discover your existence, he would send his forces to see you slain, even if it meant razing this island to the ground to do so. Perhaps he would even keep you alive long enough to force Optimus Prime and his team watch your destruction.” He stated, blunt and hard.

Everyone collectively flinched at that, looking sick and horrified at the prospect. Cody could relate. The way Dreadwing discussed such violence and such horrors…it was so casual. He didn’t know what to make of it. The Rescue Bots didn’t speak so bluntly about that sort of thing, but he knew that was due to lack of exposure to that level of violence. Optimus and High Tide were both also very…sanitized, in the way they spoke of the War. It wasn’t necessarily bad that Dreadwing didn’t care to censor himself, but Cody certainly wasn’t used to it. Just the idea of his friends being stolen away and killed to make a point made him sick.

Graham’s voice broke the silence. “Lord Megatron.” he sound, sounding strained. “You called him “Lord Megatron”. I can’t imagine any Autobot calling the leader of their enemy something like “lord”. Which means you’re not an Autobot. You’re a Decepticon.”

There was a second of silence, and then Heatwave surged forward and yanked Cody away from Dreadwing. As one, the Rescue Bots, baring Blades for some reason, lowered the windshields in their chests to let their partners climb in to safety. As for Blades…he just stood, carefully maneuvering Dani out of range of danger and stepping forward before anyone else could do anything. Cody, still dazed and now strapped into Heatwave’s passenger seat, could only watch in confusion.

“Everybody stop and calm down!” The copter snapped, his rotors rattling against his back. The other bots were still, and Dreadwing hadn’t moved from his seat on the floor.

The large bot shifted his gaze to Boulder, or rather, Boulder’s chest where Graham was tucked away. “You are correct.” he said, voice somber. “I am a Decepticon. Or rather, I was. It was Megatron himself who gave me the wound that nearly offlined me.” He paused. “I am afraid I am still teaching myself to shed the loyalty that once bound me to him. I spent many millennia calling him my Lord, and it is a habit that is very difficult to break.” He tilted his head. “Regardless, I assure you I have no desire to return to the Decepticons. I would be destroyed if I were to return.”

That seemed to calm the bots down, and Dani frowned from where Blades had stashed her. “You knew, didn’t you partner?”

Blades sighed. “I suspected.” he admitted. “I read in the data pads that Optimus left for us that after the fall of Vos, most Seekers joined the Deceptions. Dreadwing is a Seeker. I put the pieces together.”

Dreadwing bristled at the mention of “Vos”, though Cody didn’t know what that was. “Vos was destroyed and razed to the ground by Autobot forces, little flyer.” he rumbled. “Seekers did not join the Autobots when the War began because most of those who did were the same who had spent generations abusing and ostracizing any and all flight-frames.” he said bluntly. “It is why most flyers joined the Deceptions. They did not wish to be treated as lesser simply because of a different vehicle mode.”

Dani blinked. “Huh. So bigots exist on all planets, then.” she sighed. “The War…are you saying it started as a social revolution?”

“Just so.” Dreadwing nodded at her. “In the beginning, it was not Optimus Prime who led the Autobots. It was his predecessor, a mech called Sentinel. Sentinel was backed by the Senate. The same Senate that had created laws to force mechs to live only by the function of their frame types, and the same Senate that allowed flight-frames to be treated as filth. When Megatron rose up initially, it was to fight for justice and put an end to the caste system.”

This was news to all the humans. They’d heard about the War, of course, but hearing about how it started and why it had began put new context on things.

“The Senate refused to listen, and thus the War began. Megatron initially led as non-violently as possible, but then any who harbored even slight anti-Senate mentalities began to be culled by Autobot Enforcers. Flyers were confined to the ground by force when not in Vos, and in Vos they were not permitted to leave the city.” The Seeker continued. “What started as a fight for equality turned into Decepticons fighting for their right simply to live. And then the Senate was assassinated, and Sentinel destroyed, and Optimus Prime took his place. By then, it was too late for things to return to peace. Too many Decepticons feared they would be killed for the crime of wanting a better life and fighting for it, and too many Autobots were bitter and angry towards the chaos the Decepticon had wrought. And so, the War continued.” he sighed.

There was silence for a long moment, and the Rescue Bots finally returned to their previous positions, though they didn’t let the humans out just yet. Blades sat on the couch, and Dani shifted over to perch on his shoulder. Everyone present was silent for a moment, taking in what they had been told. This…changed things. Certainly, the Decepticons had done horrible things. The fact that they had slaughtered the Rescue Bots was a prime example. But to learn why they had risen and where they had come from…it put a lot into perspective.

“Blades.” Dani spoke up. “You’re a flyer. Did you run into any of that sort of thing Dreadwing was talking about, before your stasis nap?” she asked.

Blades sputtered. “Well, no.” he seemed embarrassed. “You know I wasn’t always a flyer. I was a ground-frame, on Cybertron. Sure, I’d heard about the anti-flyer and anti-Seeker stuff but I never experienced it. Dreadwing is telling the truth, though. Cybertron…didn’t have the best social system. I did know about the civil unrest, thought it hadn’t grown to a revolution quite yet the last time I was on Cybertron.” he said, sheepish.

Before one of the humans could ask for an elaboration, Dreadwing was straightening up. “Youngling. You mean to tell me you were able to shift from a ground-frame to a flight-frame by scanning a new vehicle mode?”

Blades paused. “Yes?”

Dreadwing was quiet, before uttering what Cody was very sure was a curse. “You do realize that is an extraordinarily rare ability? Even triple changers are more common than that.”

“Really?” Blades, and even all the other bots, seemed stunned by this revelation.

“Yes.” Dreadwing was frowning. “Most Cybertronian t-cogs will only allow for scanning and transformation into a vehicle mode that is compatible with your root mode. To be able to change from a grounder to a flyer by simply scanning a new vehicle mode…it speaks of a highly malleable and adaptable base frame type. The kind one expects from the tales of the Shifters of old.”

That made the Bots perk up, and Cody made a note to ask about that later. For now, he opted to stay quiet and let the Cybertronians figure this out. And it seemed his family had the same idea. Even Kade, for once.

“Are you saying I’m a Shifter?” Blades seemed frantic at the idea.

“No.” Dreadwing shook his head. “But perhaps you have coding descended from them.” He sighed. “Your ability, little one, is one I have only ever heard of on Cybertron. Many would be jealous of you. I know many flyers would not give up their flight for anything, but I know of many more who would have wanted your ability desperately in order to change to a ground-frame and escape the derision.”

Blades blinked, then looked down. “Oh.” he whispered.

Heatwave growled. “Look, it’s all well and good that we’ve figured this out, but now what? You were a Decepticon! You could hurt us or someone else on the island!”

Dreadwing looked unimpressed. “I have no intentions of doing any such thing, though I will leave if you prefer.”

“But won’t Megatron kill you?” Boulder asked.

“He will try. I will simply have to avoid him.”

“Then why not join the Autobots?” Chase asked.

The Seeker’s expression went dark. “No. While Optimus Prime is honorable, the Autobots have not always been such. I have lost too much to their regime to submit myself to the brand, even if it is different now.”

No one seemed to know what to say to that. After a long moment, the humans were finally let out of the cabs of their respective partners, and Cody saw an odd look in his Dad’s eye.

“Hoe about this, then.” Dad said. “We don’t feel right about sending you off where you might be killed. You don’t want to fight the Autobots, you don’t want to fight for the Decepticons. Am I right so far?”

Dreadwing simply bowed his head.

“Do you even want to fight in the War at all, anymore?”

Dreadwing paused. “The Decepticons committed a crime which I must put right. But other than that, no.” There was a pause. “Even with my end goal, it is not the Decepticons at large I wish to see defeated. It is only one mech among their ranks.”

Dad hummed slowly, then nodded. “I’m guessing you’re not ready to tell us the details, so I won’t even ask.” he said. “Here’s what I propose: you stay here on Griffin Rock. You don’t let yourself be seen by the humans here, we do have a cover to maintain after all. You can think and plan your next steps here. That lets us keep an eye on you, and keeps our minds at ease that you’re not out there running for your life from a tyrant. You just can’t destroy anything or hurt anyone or cause trouble.”

Cody was surprised by the offer, and clearly Dreadwing was too. What did his Dad see in this large bot that was making him take a chance like this? Cody wasn’t against it, but it was a little unusual.

Dreadwing seemed to think over the offer, before he nodded. “I will accept your terms.”

Dad relaxed, and before Kade could protest he waved his children along. “Now come on, everyone. It’s late and we humans need our rest.” he said. “Kade, not here. We can discuss this more later. Let’s go, everyone.”

Cody hopped off Heatwave’s knee, and followed his siblings and father to the lift. The last thing he saw before the doors closed was the Rescue Bots turning to their newest addition, and heard the start of a question before the doors shutting cut it off.

“So what else do you know that Optimus isn’t-“

——————————

Everything came to a head a week after Dreadwing had settled into the bunker. The Seeker had taken over one back corner of the large room, converting it into a small space for himself. None of the other bots or humans had raised a fuss at that. But Kade was getting increasingly agitated. It was clear that he didn’t understand why Blades and his team were so calm about letting a Decepticon live peacefully with them. Personally, the copter bot attributed that to the fact that the firefighter was human, so he probably didn’t understand the Cybertronian cultural or societal intricacies that had allowed the five bots to come to an understanding. That day, Kade had been particularly snarly. Even Boulder was starting to get put off by it.

They had gathered in the bunker. Blades was watching TV with Dreadwing and Chase, trying to explain the allure of his favorite show to the two bots. Boulder was painting, and Heatwave was on his little sparring platform. The humans had come down in time to see Dreadwing pinch one of Blade’s finials when the little copter bot’s rotors had straightened and extended, threatening to start spinning right there on his back due to his excitement. It had pulled Blades back to himself, and he’d sheepishly tucked his rotors back along his spinal strut while shooting the older mech an apologetic grin.

To a Cybertronian, such a gesture from an older mech to a youngling would not have raised any attention. The gentle tweak hadn’t even hurt his sensitive finials. But to a human, especially one who didn’t have or understand the context of Cybertronian culture, the gesture and lack of reaction from the bots could easily be misunderstood.

So really, Blades wasn’t surprised that Kade had finally snapped. As soon as he’d seen the interaction, he’d roared a demand to know what was going on, questioning how the bots could live with someone who had been part of the same team that had wiped out all the other Rescue Bots. That was when Chief Burns had sighed and suggested they all get settled in the lounge to talk again. They had, taking up the same positions as the previous time, though this time Boulder also dragged over a large beanbag for himself and Graham, while Dani perched on Blade’s shoulder and Dreadwing took the free spot on the couch. Which was where they were now.

“Alright.” Kade spat. “So I’m not getting something here, obviously. Why are you four so comfortable around him? He literally admitted that he used to be a Decepticon! The same guys that destroyed your Rescue Force!”

“But he wasn’t there.” Blades chimed in. “We talked when you went to bed that night. He joined the ‘Cons after the Autobots destroyed Vos, which happened after the fall of the Rescue Force.”

“And that changes anything?” Kade sputtered.

“It changes everything.” Heatwave grunted. “He wasn’t part of the group that destroyed the Rescue Force. And even though he joined them later, it wasn’t to inflict violence, it was in response to his home and people being destroyed. That may be hard to understand, based on what I know of your human culture, but for us Cybertronians that’s enough.”

Kade crossed his arms, scowling fiercely. “Fine. I guess I can accept that, even if I don’t get it. What I don’t get is why you’d defect.” he directed the last part at Dreadwing. “You hinted last time we talked that you served Megatron for thousands and thousands of years, and joined him because he was fighting for a just cause, one you believed in. What changed?”

Dreadwing frowned, staring hard at the human. “You are correct, Skyquake and I did originally join Megatron because we believed him to be honorable and just.” he tilted his head. “As the War progressed and left Cybertron, Megatron gradually became more…mad. However, we still followed him because we had sworn an oath of loyalty, and to break that oath would be dishonorable.” he rumbled. “And we did not fully agree with the Autobots either, even after Optimus Prime took command.”

“Hold on.” Graham cut in. “Skyquake?”

Dreadwing blinked, and something odd entered his gaze. Blades felt the flash of grief in his EM afield before it abruptly cut off. “Yes. Skyquake. He was my brother. We were split spark twins.”

“I thought you said you guys don’t have families like humans!” Kade said to Heatwave, eyes narrowed.

The fire truck scowled. “We don’t! Not usually! There’s only really one exception, and that’s so rare I didn’t think it mattered!”

“Two exceptions.” Blades intervened quickly. “There’s actually two exceptions, two ways for Cybertronians to have siblings.”

Looks were directed at him, and he squirmed under the attention. Slag, he hadn’t meant to say that. They’d want to know how he knew and that was something he wanted to keep to himself. It was his burden to bare.

Dreadwing sensed his discomfort, cutting in before the questions could start and drawing the attention back to himself. “Yes. The first exception is that of split spark twins.” He glanced at the humans. “We Cybertronians are not created like you organics. On Cybertron, our source of life is called the Well of All Sparks. It is where all sparks are created, and where all sparks return upon deactivation.”

“A spark is like…your soul, right? It’s what gives you guys life and makes you who you are.” Dani questioned.

Dreadwing dipped his helm towards her. “Indeed. When a new Cybertronian comes into be, their spark is created in the Well. It goes through several layers of the Well’s energy, the spark refining and becoming more defined as it progresses to the edge of the Well from the center. Often, the sparks will not maintain their form in this process, and their energy will dissipate and return to the Well.” Noting the human’s looks, he shook his head. “The spark has no life or sentience at that time, it is merely a small collection of energy. It is if the spark holds its form past the final layer of shaping that it gains sentience and life. At that point, the energy of the Well pulls resources from Cybertron itself to create a protoform, a physical body, around the spark. Then, the protoform is pushed from the Well, and thus a new Cybertronian is created.” the Seeker explained.

“That doesn’t explain how you guys can have siblings.” Graham pointed out.

Dreadwing dipped his head. “Twins like myself are a rarity. They occur when, just before a protoform is formed around the spark, a surge of energy from the Well causes the spark to split into two. When that happens, most sparks to not survive and dissipate. If they do survive, the Well forms two protoforms around the two halves. The two halves of the spark can function on their own, and are fully formed in their own right, but due to the fact they were one a singular spark those two halves are forever bound.” he explained it carefully.

“Two halves, one whole.” Graham said, eyes lighting up with understanding.

Dreadwing nodded. “Yes. That is how split spark twins are created. Due to the bond, twins are very close to one another. A spark bond is a precious thing, little human.” His optics went distant, and Blades’s own spark ached with painful remembrance. “Through a spark bond, you are always and forever aware of the one who you share the bond with. You know what they feel, how they think, you know them in every way that they in turn know you. You can talk and communicate using the bond, and it can never be detected or listened in on. Distance can dampen a bond, and the further one gets from those they are bonded to the more muted it becomes. At one point, the bond becomes too muted to talk in words, and you can share only base thoughts and emotions.” he rumbled. “But even so, the bond persists, and it allows you to know your bonded is still living.”

“And…this Skyquake. He’s your twin? Where is he?” Kade asked.

“Gone.” Dreadwing said, his EM field flaring with that sharp agony, and even the humans could hear the grief in his tone. “Offlined before I even arrived on Earth.”

“How did it happen?” Chief asked, voice somber.

Dreadwing stared at him for a long moment, and Blades could see the grief in the angle at which he held his wings, even if he had reigned in his EM field. “Centuries ago, Megatron stationed my brother here in stasis in order to guard over Deception energon deposits. I was aware of his mission, but I was sent to far off star systems to fight in the War.” he sighed. “Recently, Skyquake was awoken, and in an ensuing confrontation with the Autobots he was slain by Optimus Prime and his scout.”

Blades flinched, optics wide. Bumblebee had killed Dreadwing’s twin? He supposed he couldn’t really judge a situation in which he didn’t have all the information, but he still had a hard time imagining the friendly yellow bit he knew actually killing someone else.

“How did you survive?” he blurted out. Looks were directed to him again, confused, but Dreadwing understood.

“Distance.” he rumbled. “I was so far away at from my brother at the time of his death that the bond was too strained for me to even feel his strongest emotions. I could only barely tell he was still living, and even then only when I focused on the link between our shared spark.” His gaze went sad. “I felt his death. The surge of energy that came from the bond breaking did reach me, but by the time it did it had had to travel so great a distance that it had dulled too much to overwhelm and gutter out my own spark. All I felt was a very faint sting. It didn’t even hurt to feel him perish.” he said, and he sounded bitter at it.

Blades could understand. “I’m sorry.” he said honestly.

Dreadwing sighed. “He died an honorable death. For that much, I am grateful.”

Kade cleared his throat, frowning. “Okay.” he said carefully. “But that doesn’t explain why you left the ‘Cons. Shouldn’t you have more reason to stay with the, if the Autobots killed your twin?”

Dreadwing growled lowly here. “No.” he denied. “The Autobots gave my brother a good death, a death I know Skyquake would not have been ashamed of. For all I resent the Autobots from taking my brother from me, it is War, and I cannot find fault in them removing an enemy from the battlefield.” He turned a sharp look to Kade. “It was the Starscream, however, who is a Decepticon, who desecrated my brother’s rest by defiling his corpse and turning him into a Terrorcon.”

Blades inhaled sharply, rage clouding his processor. He seethed, his rotors clamping tight to his spinal strut, his optics going dark and angry, and his hands curling into fists. Dani was the only one to notice, and she didn’t want to draw attention to him just yet.

“Terrorcon? Cody asked.

“A zombie.” Boulder offered, looking sick. Actually, all the bots look sick. “Or the closest equivalent to it there is for Cybertronians.”

And now the humans all looked sick. “Oh.” Kade said. “That’s why you left.”

“Yes.” Dreadwing said darkly. “I learned the truth, and when I attempted to avenge my bother Megatron attempted to destroy me. It did not matter to him that Starscream had attempted to assassinate and betray him on countless occasions. He sought my death in order to protect a known traitor.” he growled. “Starscream turned my brother into something twisted and abhorrent. That is why I left.” he finished.

“I’m surprised you didn’t rip his spark out.” Blades hissed. Stunned gazes turned to the copter, and everyone was alarmed to see just how angry he looked. “I’d have tried to, in your place.”

The only one who wasn’t surprised was Dreadwing. “I did try, and I was almost killed for it. I will avenge Skyquake one day, little one. But for now, calm yourself.”

Blades actually snarled at that. His rotors rattled aggressively, the smaller ones in his pedes whirling to life with a loud buzzing, and his engine all but roared with fury. “Just the idea of someone doing that-!” he cut himself off, snarling again. Dreadwing was quick to pick Dani off the youngling’s shoulder and set her down.

“Blades.” he snapped. The others were too frozen in shock at the sight of the usually bubbly copter so aggressive.

“No!” Blades snapped. “If someone did that to ‘Aid, or Groove, or Streetwise, or Hot Spot, or any of them, I’d rip them apart myself!”

Dreadwing narrowed his optics, his processor working quickly. There was no reason for the youngling to get so upset at the idea of a spark sibling being so badly defiled, no reason for him to take it so personally. And those names…

“You are gestalt, aren’t you, little one?”

That was enough to snap Blades out of his angry haze, and his optics shot wide. Fear swamped his field, and his rotors abruptly silenced and clamped back against his spine while the rotors in his pedes cut off with a sharp grinding noise. “What?”

“Given your reaction, and those names you said….it is the only conclusion that makes sense.”

“Wait, Blades…you’re part of a gestalt?” Boulder asked, his own optics blown wide.

“That…would explain your reaction.” Chase offered hesitantly.

“Blades.” Heatwave prompted at the copter’s continued silence.

“Uh, hello? Clueless humans here!” Dani called. “Blades, put me back up. Also, what’s a gestalt?”

The youngling bent down, allowing his partner to climb her way back up to his shoulder before he sat up. He sagged, looking defeated,

“A gestalt is the other way Cybertronians can have siblings.” he said quietly. “It happens in the Well. Most of the time, the Well creates on spark at a time. Creating a living spark is a complex process, so it can’t afford to create too many at once. Every once in a while though, the Well has an excess of energy, undetectable to any technology. When that happens, it creates multiple sparks at once. If all those sparks survive to the edge of the Well, then the excess energy pulls them together into one large, massive spark. Many sparks, becoming one. They remain combined until the energy stabilizes, and then split into the original number again and that’s when the protoforms are created around the sparks.” He sighed. “When that happens, all the bots in that group are linked. They were created by the Well together, and they were merged together by the Well to bind their sparks. That’s a gestalt. Because of the spark merge that occurred in the Well, gestalt can actually merge themselves again outside of it. They can push together their sparks and processors and very beings to become a singular bot. Gestalt frames are even adapted to that they can physically combine, each member becoming a different body part, in order to form the body of a new, larger mech while their sparks combine to form the mech’s own spark. Many, becoming one.” Blades looked down. “My brothers and I are that. We can combine to form Defensor. I’m the arm.” he said weakly.

——————————

Part 3

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manie-sans-delire-x · 3 years

Text

My thoughts/analysis of We Need to talk about Kevin

From abnormal psych class paper:

The character I chose to analyze and diagnose is Kevin Khatchadourian from the 2011 film, We Need to Talk about Kevin. Brilliantly depicted by star Ezra Miller and various other child actors, Kevin is an angry, emotionally detached boy who struggles in his complex relationship with his mother. We see the unhealthy relationship develop between the two through-out the film as Kevin grows from a baby to a young man, ending in tragedy as Kevin achieves his ultimate revenge against his mother by massacring the rest of their family as well as several classmates in a school shooting.

After carefully noting Kevin’s behavior and the way he and his mother Eva interact when he is a young child, I have decided to diagnose Kevin with reactive attachment disorder (RAD). The diagnostic criteria from the current Diagnostic and Statistical manual (DSM-5) for RAD reads as follows:

A. A consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward adult caregivers, manifested by both of the following:

1. The child rarely or minimally seeks comfort when distressed.

2. The child rarely or minimally responds to comfort when distressed.

B. A persistent social or emotional disturbance characterized by at least two of the following:

Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others

Limited positive affect

Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during nonthreatening interactions with adult caregivers.

C. The child has experienced a pattern of extremes of insufficient care as evidenced by at least one of the following:

Social neglect or deprivation in the form of persistent lack of having basic emotional needs for comfort, stimulation, and affection met by caring adults

Repeated changes of primary caregivers that limit opportunities to form stable attachments (e.g., frequent changes in foster care)

Rearing in unusual settings that severely limit opportunities to form selective attachments (e.g., institutions with high child to caregiver ratios)

D. The care in Criterion C is presumed to be responsible for the disturbed behavior in Criterion A (e.g., the disturbances in Criterion A began following the lack of adequate care in Criterion C).

E. The criteria are not met for autism spectrum disorder.

F. The disturbance is evident before age 5 years.

G. The child has a developmental age of at least nine months.

Specify if Persistent: The disorder has been present for more than 12 months.

Specify current severity: Reactive Attachment Disorder is specified as severe when a child exhibits all symptoms of the disorder, with each symptom manifesting at relatively high levels.

Kevin displays behavior that meets both criteria A and B. As a baby he cried constantly, reportedly even when held, showing an inability or unwillingness to be soothed. As a toddler he shows defiance, disinterest in social interaction, and a refusal to engage in play, such as when his mother is attempting to play with a ball with him and he refuses to roll the ball back or respond in any way, instead staring at her with a sullen expression. Kevin also refuses his mother’s pleas to say the word “Mommy”. As a slightly older child, Kevin continues to act defiantly and shows anger, ripping up the paper when his mother attempts to school him, immediately soiling his newly changed diapers on purpose, throwing food against the wall and onto tables, breaking his crayons, making nonsensical noises to irritate his mother, and destroying his mother’s artfully decorated room. When he is taken to the doctor to be examined, he shows no expression, does not speak, and stiffens his body. When his baby sister is born, he purposefully sprinkles water onto the newborn, causing her to cry. It should be noted however that in one instance Kevin seems to relax his cold exterior and accept comfort from his mother, shown by the scene in which he falls ill and cuddles with his mother while she reads him a story. He even apologizes for her having to clean up his throw-up. Unfortunately, as soon as he is feeling well again he is back to being rude and rejecting any attempt of hers to take care of him, refusing her help to change his clothes.

As for criteria C, although Kevin has not experienced extreme abuse or neglect, I believe Kevin suffered from a traumatic birth as it was mentioned that his mother was resisting. His mother Eva did not desire a child, especially not one as difficult as Kevin, so she emotionally neglects him and is cold to him. Eva makes it very clear to him that he is unwanted, telling him straight to his face that she was happy before she gave birth to him and not correcting him when Kevin mentions that Eva does not like him. In one instance, she is accidentally too rough with him and breaks his arm, which Kevin later refers to as being the most honest thing she ever did. Kevin also meets the criteria of D through G, and his symptoms are persistent. I would say Kevin has moderate to severe symptoms as he does exhibit all listed symptoms quite regularly.

I believe Kevin’s psychological problems may also have developed into conduct disorder (CD) as an adolescent and then antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) or psychopathy in adulthood, especially after taking into consideration the mutilation of his sister’s eye and the killing of his sister’s guinea pig, his father, his sister, and several classmates. He shows no guilt or empathy, appears to have shallow emotions besides anger, and shows no evidence of having affection or emotional bonds to anyone. He is also very manipulative; putting on a fake act of normalcy for his father, turning his parents against each other, and navigating the legal system to get his best outcome. However, I know that children with RAD can also be violent and if not treated, behave in a way very similar to conduct disorder in adolescence and ASPD or psychopathy in adulthood. The main reason I chose to focus on RAD over CD or ASPD is because I believe the root of Kevin’s problem is immense pain at being rejected and unloved as a child and that he harbors a deep desire to have that connection but is unable to accept affection. He is so focused on and consumed by his anger towards his mother, while someone with true psychopathy may be more detached and indifferent. I also leaned more towards RAD given that he showed symptoms from such a young age and did not seem to have any problems outside of his issues with his mother, such as acting out in school or engaging in petty, impulsive crime. I do wish that the film showed more of his interaction with his peers. Lastly, I felt RAD was a more accurate choice because of the subtle signs of it that are associated more with RAD than CD, such as stiffening his body when others try to hug him, making nonsensical sounds, and not making eye contact as an infant, although that may not have been intentionally put in the film. Either way, his parents certainly needed to talk to professionals about Kevin when he was a child. Had they done so, perhaps they could have prevented the tragedy of both his life and the pain he inflicted on others.

Response to tumblr ask:

I agree! I would have loved to see how he interacts at school, what he does when he’s alone and has spare time, and more of his childhood.

I think he had multiple reasons:

1- To make his mother suffer since he obviously has a lot of anger and resentment towards her

2- Because he doesn’t feel much positive emotion and gave up on ever feeling pleasure or enjoyment from regular life. Normal life is incredibly boring for him. He wanted to DO something- real, meaningful, make something happen. He wanted to Live. I very much relate.

3- He enjoys the attention he gets from it.

We talked about this in my forensic psych club- whether we should give interviews and all this attention to violent criminals. Our society is fascinated by them to the point where we make movies and books. People sell and collect memorabilia. They have fan-girls writing love letters and showing up to their court sessions, even fighting each other over them. It’s pretty crazy. But on the other hand, it’s important that we study them. Or is it? There’s a debate about everything.

4- His philosophy and world view.

He is very nihilistic, he doesn’t believe life “means” anything and right/wrong doesn’t exist/is just a matter of opinion or viewpoint. His actions don’t really matter either, nothing does. I used to think exactly like he did when I was a teen, and I still do in a way.

As for your last question, it’s easy to forget one way of thinking when you’re in another. It’s hard to remember how one state was when you’re in a different one. Also, as shitty as outside life can be, life in prison is even shittier. Makes you appreciate the ability of choice and being able to do things, even just to walk around outside or buy an icecream cone. He was also only 15 at the time of the crime, and in the last scene he’s 18. A lot of chemical changes and neural development happens in that time. He matured- his way of thinking about himself, the world, and the others around him changed.

#we need to talk about kevin #analysis #op #forensic psychology

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whitherliliesbloom · 3 years

Photo

A young man who goes by the alias ‘Kaye’, he is an elusive mercenary known for his mastery over a wide range of weapons. His name is highly feared in the battlefield. He’s been given many titles.

Headcanons under the cut. [may or may not be changed ;w;]

Basic Info

Real Name: Lazala Tatozala (Laz for short, but only close loved ones will be allowed to call him by that.) Age: 24 mid-ARR Race: Plainsfolk lalafell Sexuality: Bisexual Guardian Deity: Rhalgr, the Destroyer Main classes: GNB, DRG, NIN DOL/DOH: BSM, CUL, FSH, MIN Voice Claim: Nakamura Yuuichi (JP) who voiced characters like Gray Fullbuster , Oreki Houtarou, Gojou Satoru ....and wait a minute... THANCRED? I swear I didn’t know he voiced thancred before picking him.

Personality

MBTI: ISTJ (The Logistician ) Enneagram: Type 6 Wing 5 (The Loyalist) Temperament: Phlegmatic Alignment: Neutral Good

At first glance, Laz appears extremely stoic and deadpan, a man of few words who reserves his thoughts and feelings only to those closest to him. This isn’t out of any inherent shyness but rather just a general introversion and inexperience in making friends. He can be painfully blunt in his words, and his sense of humor is often dry and sarcastic. It can be hard to tell whenever he’s being genuine and serious or joking. His facial expressions rarely ever change.

Though modest and down-to-earth, he isn’t self-deprecating either - he carries himself with a self-assuredness and charisma that often attract people to him despite his stoic demeanor.

When it comes to emotions however, he can be rather awkward to talk to. He’s woefully clueless when it comes to romance and though he has his fair share of admirers, he’s often completely oblivious to the feelings people harbor for him. He can also sometimes be dense when it comes to social cues and doesn’t know how to comfort others or give advice very well. One can be assured however, that when he does say something from his heart, he’s very likely sincere about it.

He resents the idea of having to rely on his father’s wealth in order to get by, and is thus very frugal when it comes to spending, even after he’s earned a steady income from being a well-respected and feared mercenary. That said, his appetite is ravenous and he sometimes cannot help but to give in to his cravings and ends up buying twenty servings of pudding, which he’d later end up regretting.

Backstory

Laz was born the illegitimate son of a wealthy businessman and his mistress, a peasant. Laz’s mother died of childbirth, and with nowhere to go, Laz lived with his father and his wife. The wife was herself the daughter of a noble family, but was unable to conceive children. Bitter and angry about her husband’s affair, she saw Laz as a lesser being and mistreated him. A combination of neglect from his father and abuse from his father’s wife caused Laz to resent his family from a young age.

The only other person he had to depend on was his uncle, his birthmother’s elder brother who lived in the slums, working a job as a mercenary for hire. Laz often left home to visit his uncle. His uncle wasn’t exactly very good at taking care of a child, either... but at the very least, he cared for Laz and at the boy’s request, he begun to teach and train the boy on how to use various weapons.

On the day Laz turned of age, he immediately left his home and begun his life as an adventurer and mercenary. Even though he is the rightful heir to his father’s wealth, being his only child, Laz has repeatedly expressed his disinterest in the inheritance.

He still keeps in touch with the housekeeper, a kindly old man who was the only other person besides his uncle to have treated him well as a child. The housekeeper sends Laz money from time to time, even against Laz’s insistence.

As time goes on, Laz’s father would begin attempting to urge his son to return home in order to fulfill his role as a successor.

Stats

Strength: 8/10 Offense: 10/10 Defense: 4/10 Speed: 9/10 Durability: 8/10 Accuracy: 5/10 Agility: 10/10 Stamina: 7/10 Teamwork: 2/10 Stealth: 6/10 Magic: 2/10 Healing: Incapable

Kaye is an extremely strong fighter who relies mostly on his speed and agility to overwhelm his opponents. Though he’s mastered a wide range of weapons, his favorites to use are anything with a sharp edge like a knife or spear. He’s weaker in using ranged weapons and recently picked up a gunblade in order to practice his aim while not sacrificing his terrifying effectiveness in melee range.

While capable of basic magic spells in order to aetherically imbue his own cartridges, he cannot wrap his head around healing spells and thus is incapable of healing himself in the battlefield. He often resorts to relying on potions and has even had to conduct haphazard self-surgery. Thus, he’s capable in giving physical first-aid but not much else.

Other headcanons

Major sweet tooth and glutton. He loves desserts and food is really the only thing he’d splurge large amounts of money on. Salted caramel and chocolate are a particular favorite of his but they’re typically expensive so he doesn’t have them too often.

Higher than average alcohol tolerance but doesn’t like the taste of them.

Is a dog person, but doesn’t mind cats either.

He’s generally intelligent and educated, but not exactly a genius either. He frequently has bouts of ‘head empty’ and ‘only one working braincell’.

Can actually cook quite well. Despite growing up in his father’s household, he often had to cook for himself as his father’s wife would order the chefs to not bother ‘wasting food on a dirty peasant’s son’.

His favorite color is black... because black clothing hides stains well.

Really likes the ocean and loves to go swimming. He’d often just stand out at the beach to stare at the sea, lost in his own thoughts.

Wears reading glasses while in casual clothing but switches them out for contacts while he’s working / in combat.

Regularly trims his hair to keep it short. He’s prone to getting bedhead but strangely still looks attractive with messy hair.

Good at fishing... when he has the time to at least.

GENSHIN IMPACT AU??? He’d probably be an electro sword user.

Aesthetics

Scents: Salty sea breeze, mint, gunpowder, chocolate, campfire Colors: blue, black, dark violet, silver Animals: Dogs, wolves, ravens Clothing: Dark colors, boots, fingerless gloves, masks that obscure his nose and lips, rolled up sleeves, jackets and loose pants Others: Midnight hours, clouds barely obscuring a full moon, distant howls of wolves, a flicker of light in an almost all encompassing darkness, blue flames, sound of distant thunder, the warmth of a campfire in the midst of a snowstorm, bandaged knuckles, fireworks

#ffxiv #final fantasy xiv #kaye #lalafell #gpose #mine #headcanons #oh yeah this took me a good several hours to write out #is this an oc / a self insert / my ideal self or what #i'm not sure if i want him to be a WOL yet #either way i like him please validate me

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sumsmasterpiece · 4 years

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The Lesson I Learned From The Todoroki Family

WARNING: long rant about my personal life on the bottom. Super long post!

The Lesson of Today = Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a very interesting emotion that I feel is very misrepresented most of the time in the media. Horikoshi has brilliantly shown the many different faces that forgiveness can take form.

Shouto

Shouto’s journey to forgiveness is very believable for someone who is young and had gone through the trials of abuse and neglect. He started off in the series as very fearful and grew to be very petty and angry towards his father. His anger blinded him to the only good thing in his life to be forgotten until it took someone (Midoriya) to remind him of his past and to take a new perspective on how to live his life. He is also a great character because he doesn’t just magically accept Endeavor after he accepts his fireside and even admits that he probably will never fully forgive his father. He also held his hatred for his father that he never blamed his mother for scaring him. Later in the manga, it took some again making him see how he views his dad (Midoriya again) that he was already taking strides towards forgiving his father and wasn’t even realizing that he was.

Fuyumi

Fuyumi represents the hopeful family member. Now this will be speculation because we haven’t really seen her side of the story much but from the short scenes that she is present you can see a girl who wasn’t accepted into the family and was forced to grow up really fast for her family. I don’t know if she fully forgives Endeavor but we can safely say she wants her family to move in the direction of coming together again.

Natsuo

This character will probably hold on to his hatred for his father until the day he dies. Again much like Fuyumi, we don’t know much about his childhood and what he experienced growing up, but from what little information that has been given it safe to say that he at least heard of what was happening with Touya and Shouto and then the “death” of Touya he forced onto Endeavor. Natsuo shows that he loves his family so much, but he can’t just forgive and forget like how he sees Fuyumi doing because he is just ties those negative emotions to the man Endeavor himself. So much so that he won’t even acknowledge Endeavor as a father but as his hero name. He even tells Endeavor that he can’t forgive him.

Rei

Rei can be seen in one of three ways.

1. There is the lense of a domestic abuse victim where they forgive their abuser because they feel they were the cause of the change in them and not the other way around. (mental manipulation and torture)

2. Self-forgiveness for what she did to Shouto not only as a person but also as a mother. That fear of never being forgiven by your own child the one that a mother loves unconditionally.

3. Forced forgiveness (this falls a little in my headcanon of Rei) I feel that Rei was raised in a household where the process of marriage was permanent and divorce was seen as being a failure and basically not an option. As a wife, it was her duty to do what she can for the family system and be strong and I think she felt like a failure for breaking down (even though that totally not true but the brain and abuse does crazy shit).

Dabi/Touya

Dabi is the example of physically doing everything in your power to separate yourself from what you hate so much. His story can go many different directions because until the reveal is made we have either an actual death sibling that Endeavor pushed too far or pushed him too far to the point that his way of forgiveness is to kill it and be rid of the feelings of resentment all together.

Endeavor

The process of being forgiven is a process that I would not enjoy going through. It’s one of the story elements in the My Hero that I appreciate. Endeavor became one of my favorite characters because he is taking steps to realize he messed up and is doing right by his family (better late than ever...? God I’m going to get so many hate comments). But he wouldn’t have been my favorite character, in fact I hated him when he first was introduced in the anime, it only took me reading the manga and seeing the development where I started to see why this character was important and how he is necessary to the plot of My Hero. It’s smart writing to have so many different ideologies and people to represent them but it’s also is even better writing when you have a character with an established ideology and starts to question it and begins to change. Because people in the real world are not stagnant or just one thing or one representation because that's what humans are, complicated. If Horikoshi just wrote it where magically all of the Todoroki family magically forgave Endeavor for becoming the Number One Hero and then he gets a scare on his face and declares he going to change, I would absolutely have hated it, but now he is showing that people (even if they are in the same family) can forgive and move on with their lives at different paces than others. And no matter how much one family member or person tells you that you need to just forgive them so you can move on with your life or vice versa you don’t have to do that either.

---

Personal Life Story

Let me start by saying that I had nowhere near the horrid childhood that Shouto or his siblings had ever gone through. However, I know that all people's trauma and pain are all relative and no one's sorrows or pains are worse off than others. That being said, I have a very strain relationship with my biological father (or how I like to refer to him as the sperm donor). He (in my eyes) is why a person should never be a parent when they are emotionally not invested in the lives of their children. My parents got a divorce when I was 2 and I never learned the true reason behind the divorce until I turned eighteen. My mother did her damnest to keep the truth of what really happened and to make sure I had a relationship with my father and things were okay with my dad until I turned 15. Up until that point, it was a decent relationship with my seeing him every Tuesday and staying with him every other weekend but I automatically could tell the difference between him and my mom. He would tell me lies and bash my mother, blaming her and her family for the entire problem in the marriage and why it ended. Growing up, I believed that I was part of the reason that they got divorced, that I was too much of a strain and just tipped things too far. But my feelings started to change about my dad was with my first stepmom. I literally turned into Cinderella whenever I would go over on those weekends and I would beg my mother not to let me go because she was so mean and vindictive and my father just never did anything about it. He never protected me or stood up for me and I think that was when my resentment for him began. Eventually, they got a divorce and things were decent until he started dating again. He would date women with baggage and need to be taken care of with children. The worst was when he’d have them move in and when they break up they’d take stuff of his. The final straw that caused me to final say I had enough was when one weekend I went over with his almost wife number 3 and she had two children who were significantly younger than me. Now there was an unspoken rule in his house that no one was allowed to go into my room because that was my space and I’m not there all the time to keep an eye on it. But for some up godly reason, he let these kids use my toys and let them defile and destroy and mark up my toys and then telling me that I should let it go because they’d just wanted to have fun. It wasn’t even that my toys were ruined (or that I’m just super picky and particular with how my things are and should be) but it just felt like a disrespect on me as a person but worst of all me as his daughter.

I should probably mention now that my father suffers from bipolar depression and I know that sometimes that it is a horrible thing to go through, I also know that he doesn’t get help and doesn’t want help. He hated being on medication some stopped taking them and never went back on them. He is also a very sad man. He is the type of guy who is trying to find love for himself through someone else.

It’s been 6 years since I last spoke or seen my father. In the beginning, he’d try to contact me through Facebook then contacting my friends through Facebook to force them to tell me to contact him. The worst was when he was on wife number 3 she messaged me a nasty message saying that I needed to grow up and to talk to my father. Sometimes I find it laughable that I can act more adult than him. Ever since then I have just been harboring this anger and hatred and wrath and grief and guilt over this man that is my father.

The reason this ties back to the Todoroki Family is that my mother has been preaching to me about how I need to forgive him and that I would feel so much better with my life if I just forgive him. But I don’t know how to go about doing that. A part of me has just felt this way for so long that I don’t know how else to feel. Another part of me feels that he doesn’t deserve forgiveness because in my mind if I forgive him than it excuses all that he did to me and that he can go through the rest of his life feeling that I was wrong and he was right. There was a point where I felt such resentment and anger that I didn’t care if he was already dead and I’d never known about it. I felt like I would be glad to be rid of him from my life.

I’m at the point now that I have thought about forgiveness and honestly, that is the most that I can do up to this point. I am afraid that I’ll become like him someday. I have his depressive tendencies as well as his anger and I am so afraid that I will treat people the same way he treated me. I’m afraid to become the monster that he is.

Basically, what I’m saying is that I’m kind of in a Natsuo and Shouto place in my life. And honestly, that’s okay. Forgiveness is something that needs to be done at a person’s own pace and it has to be something that you truly believe with your whole heart and being. Because if it isn’t, then the break of those emotions won’t be clean and you will be in a weird limbo.

---

Thank you for reading my Ted Talk. I hope this made sense.

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thexfather · 4 years

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MEET THE FATHER....

have i not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the lord your god is with you wherever you go.

ever since bobby was brought to this world, he was surrounded by secrets.

his birth was a whisper and a shameful one at that for he was born the bastard son of an immigrant woman and an american citizen. his mother’s husband didn’t notice at first and for the first years of his life, he was treated as his own. paul wasn’t a good man yet he served as a good father up until bobby became eleven. he was elated to be able to have a son and he taught bobby all about being a man like him. martha appreciated this less and she was all but trying to repair her son’s crooked view of life through her forced smiles and tender hands.

trigger warnings: abuse, domestic violence, guns, stalking, stealing, gambling.

everything changed when bobby was less than a boy and more of a man. his features started growing sharper and unmistakable and he looked nothing like paul. bobby lived in purgatory while his mother was slowly dragged through hell as her story started falling into place. it didn’t take long for his mother to grab his ankle however, and soon enough, the comfortable life they once knew became dust.

paul wouldn’t look at bobby anymore if not to slap him across the face. bobby quickly decided that he preferred that than to hear his mother’s cries. while bobby felt resentment and anger towards his mother, he couldn’t help but get nauseated by the way paul started to treat her. the man who used to be his father picked up a nasty liquor habit and a nastier habit of taking on his frustrations onto martha. angry words would roll with spit and the nightly sound of fists colliding with flesh soon would be too much.

he was only fifteen when he took his mother out of that house. they moved in with a friend of his mother, all the way across town, and hoped that the harassment would stop. it didn’t, not quite. paul would make rounds around the house and it became bad enough that his mother couldn’t even go to work without the devil on her tail. martha was eventually locked into her friend’s house, unable to go on with her life.

part of him reckoned that his mother deserved this but a greater part of him heard a calling to be a hero — or at least, some sort of guardian. he started working some and stealing some, everything he could do to get some money on the side. the first thing he did with his hard earned money was buying himself a gun off the streets. the next plan was to save enough to buy him and his mother a one way out of that town, as far away from paul as possible.

it went less smoothly than bobby ever wanted to. his mother and him run away after an altercation. bobby believed himself an adult at eighteen but couldn’t ever face the consequences of anything. so after shooting paul on the leg one night, bobby and his mother flee. they take bus after bus until bobby thinks that nobody should be able to track them down. the both of them end up in the small town of wheeler, indiana with barely money to go by and no roof over their heads.

no temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. god is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

when every other person turned their backs to them, it’s the church that invited and sheltered them. it came with strings attached but bobby could never see it, nor could martha. they received more help than ever before to be able to restart their lives. bobby and martha agreed on never talking about their past lives: instead of two people on the run, his mother was now a widow and bobby just her faithful son helping her to get by.

bobby was baptized at twenty years old and promised to be a man of god and work in his plans. except that life became hard when he finally had to earn an honest living. he would find a way to work in whatever field was needed and he was exhausted and frustrated to have little money and no property to his name. though he should be humble, bobby always dreamed of greatness and luxury. he fought the temptation fiercely but god should know better than to make him this weak.

he went to neighbor cities – bigger and less scrutinizing than wheeler. bobby had a very good excuse to be an electrician apprentice and that was well true. except, he harbored new secrets to keep. he started stealing again. always small amounts and forgettable items so he could save enough but avoid people noticing. he started wasting nights at games when he became pretty good at cheating and he would always switch crowds when people started growing suspicious of him.

by twenty-eight, bobby had enough money to buy him and his mother a house. instead of being grateful, however, martha censored him and exposed him to shame. even worse – martha didn’t need him anymore. she found herself a new, shiny, god-fearing husband. granted, she never told him that. bobby, however, felt it so and felt it hard, like a dagger through his heart. so, for a year, he left himself be taken to his vices while being a fierce attendee to the sunday sermons.

so now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

though there were many women who would love to take on a dedicated christian as their husband, bobby overlooked them all. he took no girlfriends in wheeler either, telling everyone he would only date the woman who he was to marry. it was a boastful lie, another of his secrets, but it made women regard him highly and bobby was always delighted by feminine attention.

paula was the first one in wheeler to really catch his attention. he was a man with a house to fill so he fell hard and purposely, asking her hand in marriage after a short time dating. bobby swore right when he put the ring onto paula’s finger that his bad habits would be a thing of the past and now he would be the best husband god could allow him to be. afterwards, when paula announced that they had a little one on the way, bobby promised to their unborn child he would be the best father god could allow him to be.

nothing prepared him to the hardships of being a father, however. he felt lonely oftentimes as paula’s attention was all cassie’s and he felt guilty and wrong when he wasn’t good enough. bobby did love his little girl, though. she wasn’t a boy, which was disappointing at first, but bobby fell in love with her at first sight and his eyes filled with tears as he held her on his arms. he felt again like a protector and a guardian and now it soon became a burden.

his savings from the game were emptying fast and he had to work a lot to earn his honest life again. cassie was wonderful and he wanted to shower her with all the prettiest things on the world, but all the prettiest things on the world are expensive. bobby found himself panicking as his savings account became humbler by the month and he needed to do something. how else could they save enough to send cassie to a good school and later to a good college? how else could they keep her safe and give her a nice life?

so behind paula’s back, he invested the money. a friend of his was buying out the old ice house and reforming it into something new and lucrative. bobby knew his name couldn’t be associated with it, but once confident that it wouldn’t, he was all in. it took some time, but soon enough money started streaming in and he asked god forgiveness before getting into bed with paula at night.

blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

bobby is well aware how one can pull you further into hell. he thought he was out of the purgatory and finally into heaven’s gates until that fateful morning. he grunted something to paula as he went to check on cassie and decided to stay in bed for a moment more. the screams from cassie’s bedroom are chilling and he stumbles towards it to find it….. empty. painfully so.

he froze. he tried to comfort paula in some way as the absence of cassie started carving a hole on his chest. he didn’t believe it at first. he went on searches. he exploded on the chief of police once. he tried to punch a hole on his basement’s walls. bobby tried to realize — cassie is gone. but she couldn’t be gone and he spent that whole night and so many nights following trying to fix it. he is a handyman and he thought he could fix it and reveal the secrets behind his dear cassie being gone.

after a month or so, he went back to the church and he went back to work. he didn’t think he could face paula after failing her and failing their cassie. so he made face. he apologized for paula — she isn’t quite herself, forgive us. he prayed so much and became convinced god punished him through cassie and the unfairness of it all made him angry at god himself.

a year after, his vices call to him as he comes home to cold house and for once, bobby wishes for secrets to not surround him anymore.

#ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ sᴛᴜᴅʏ ( about ) ;

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blxckdamask · 5 years

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Trashcan’s Fic Rec: July ‘19

i know this is really late but i was busy so i couldnt really get this done. an yway,,, yall know the drill by now,, this has a bunch of bnha (mostly bkdk) and some rairpairs aswell as some drarry, odaat and b99.

BNHA Fics:

{bakudeku}

When Izuku's insecurities about his scarred body hit him full throttle, Katsuki is there to show Izuku just how beautiful scars can be.

Katsuki's reflection above the sink stared back. Eyes still drowsy with a hint of a shadow beneath them. Hair more of a mess than he would prefer, but he was plenty awake now.

All because of Deku.

Katsuki reflects at 4 am.

Pride has always had a special place in Midoriya Izuku's heart.

"I trusted you and you had me murdered!” Midoriya wailed, anguished. Bakugou twitched focusing on the spell that made him capture Midoriya's soul.

“Shut up! You got yourself killed!”

“I didn't! You said you had my back and I thought you had it! But you didn't! Kacchan! My body!” Midoriya cried as he watched Bakugou lug his limp body through the forest.

This is what happens when Bakugou tries to become best friends with Midoriya again.

Katsuki doesn't know what's wrong with Izuku. Is he mad? What is he mad about? What did Katsuki do!? All he knows is that he can't let Izuku break up with him. Not while they're still keeping their relationship a secret.

Izuku forces Katsuki to apologize for everything he's ever done to hurt him.

Bakugou and Midoriya have been best friends since... well, since either of them could remember. But both harbor unspoken feelings for the other, will this be an end to their friendship?

Izuku, a dog hybrid, has lived with his owner Toshinori, a retired hybrid psychologist, his whole life. He takes on some of the shelter’s most difficult cases as fosters, and so Izuku has learned to be the best foster-mate possible for scared and abused hybrids. At first, Katsuki, a cat hybrid who’s been kept in a tiny apartment nearly his whole life, seems just like any of the other awful cases they’ve seen, but somehow, Izuku and him grow a lot closer than usual over the course of his stay. Eventually, the question becomes: could he stay forever?

“Izuku knows what the Hanahaki does. He knows what his options are, and sure, they aren’t great. In fact, they’re pretty horrible. The list is short and daunting. There are still flower petals on his pillow."

In which Izuku has Hanahaki Disease, and Katsuki's furious.

And you're crushing on him, and he's just so cute, and the baby's cute, and what's a guy to do, anyway?

Ever since they were little, Izuku and Katsuki’s families have had family dinners. It’s just them and their parents, and that’s fine. Until more people get dragged in. (And try to set Izuku and Katsuki up.)

for twinstars week day four - family

{todobaku}

It started from a normal evening to a small argument that made them go on vacation that made Katsuki realize that he wanted something more from Shouto.

Bakugou, Denki, Midoriya, Momo and Todoroki all end up in a McDonald's one early morning. A suggestion of a movie and a credit card reveal later and the teens are off to spend the day together.

They all know that it's Todoroki's father's credit card, but none of them care.

Bakugo and Todoroki both find themselves living together with disabilities, helping each other get by. In doing so, they fall in love.

{rairpairs & other ships}

“You haven’t changed at all, have ya?” he observed, pinching her cheek affectionately.

Ochako batted his hand away from her cheeks for the second time that morning, wondering if he had a thing for them. “That doesn’t even make any sense, Bakugou. I’m from the past. Of course I haven’t changed.”

“Makes perfect sense,” Bakugou countered, closing his teeth around a bite of eggs. “You were doing this same shit yesterday morning.”

My entry for the day 2 prompt of Kacchako week: otherworldly.

Bakugou watches with something akin to affection when Shinsou starts playing with his dog until she jumps all around him and is barking excitedly. He has never seen the both of them so content before. The Sergeant is always so concentrated at College grounds, either that or she’s calm but still looking out for him. Bakugou has seen them during lectures, at lunch at their usual table, during their ways to Bakugou’s dorm and to Shinsou’s apartment off campus, he has seen them through their late-night-skyping sessions and in countless pictures on Sergeant Barkowitz’ Instagram. He has seen their best but not their worst, and that makes Bakugou wonder if he’ll ever be such a great companion to Shinsou like the Sergeant is.

"Shouta could have never imagined reaching this point in his life. He honestly expected to die at some point when he was younger, alone somewhere in an alleyway, killed in action during his hero work maybe."

Instead he's in a warm hospital bed and surrounded by some of the people he cares most about.

Shinsou Hitoshi had never had a family before, and he refuses to screw it up. But when a villain attacks him and his new little sister, he may have lost the only family he's ever had.

Bakugou never wanted to be mated. Especially not to a villain but it didn't look like he had any choice in the matter. The only question now was: will he ever escape?

OR,

The author loves Bakugou and loves to make him suffer so Dabi kidnaps him and forces our favourite blasty boy to become his mate. It goes from bad to good to bad and back to good.

While working together as pro heroes, Iida, Bakugou and Todoroki are taken captive. The situation is strange: none of their Quirks work, and they aren’t tortured or killed – in fact, they never see their captors. There is nothing to do but wait.

Things are tense between the three of them, but Iida finds the situation bringing him closer to Bakugou than he thought possible. But who knows how this will change things between when they get out…

Quirk: Infatuation - The user of this quirk affects two people by touching them at the same time, they then fall into a state of infatuation with each other; they could be affected by this for up to a week.

Iida and Bakugou get affected by an infatuation quirk that makes them be sweet to each other. So sweet, that it could give you cavities. Warning: This story will contain an excessive amount of pet names, hence the title.

Other Fandoms Fics:

Recently married, Harry and Draco are tasked with raising a four-year old Teddy, whose emerging gender identity brings up an array of questions, fears, and revelations for them when they realise that Teddy might be transgender.

When Draco learns he's pregnant again, he blames his husband. Harry, however, couldn't be happier.

Jake dated two guys in college, but doesn't realise until he introduces one of them to Amy.

The family learns a secret about Schneider

alex said the far scarier sentence that at the same time was more comforting than anything the teenager had ever heard before. “she,” alex mumbled under his- no, her- breath, voice beginning to choke up, “was sitting on her bed, in her room. her,” he- she, she- sighed and spoke just a little louder, just a little surer. “her name is alex, and she’s a girl.” alex smiled to herself, so small it was probably barely considered one. she didn’t care; she finally felt whole.

or: in another world, elena isn't the only alvarez daughter (but it takes alex some time to figure that out)

#monthly fic rec #fic rec #bnha #bkdk #tdbk #kacchako #bakushin #bakuiida #bakudabi #erasermic #Harry Potter #drarry #odaat #b99 #peraltiago

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knowthyselfrp · 6 years

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AGE: 26 // OCCUPATION: BONDSWOMAN // PRONOUNS : She/Her

You used to be a romantic, you used to love all the cheesy romantic comedies where the happy couple gets together in the end because of some grand gesture. But when you met someone who you thought was the love of your life, you learned love was not all that simple. They were a troubled person from the start, and when they got themselves in a legal bind, you asked for help. As soon as you saved your love, they were caught with someone else and left you heart broken. Now, you have a debt to pay. This debt has left you bitter, sarcastic, and a little tougher than you ever thought yourself to be. You don’t mind tricking men into thinking that you love them because then you get to do the hurting for once, you get to unveil the mask and and show how you are the wolf in sheep’s clothing. You’re a damsel, you’re in distress, but you can handle this. For now, that is.

Hades- You asked Hades to help you knowing how they have pull in the legal world but now you’re indebted to them. Essentially, you’re their assistant bondswoman. The tell you of some people who they think is going to expose them, and it’s your job to ruin their spirit before sending them over to them. Hades is irritatingly biting, perhaps even more sarcastic than you are. But while you know deep down you have a big heart, you fear that Hades perhaps really is just evil and their only job now is dragging you down to their level. Still, you feel a strange closeness to them. Perhaps it is because you both have been wronged in the past or because they do understand your need for revenge but whatever this strange kinship is, you hope it can soon end so you can get your life back. That is, if you even have one after they’re done with you.

Hercules- Your newest mission, but you’re wary of them. They seem to harbor resentment towards you for a kiss in university that you barely remember. You aren’t sure what exactly they’ve done to get on Hades’s radar, and you aren’t sure you want to know. You promise them sweet nothings, but it’s all an act to keep them far from Hades. The last thing either of you needs is a child pretending to play detective, and that’s what you think Hercules to be. Sure, they can be sweet and they seem willing to play along, but you find their naivety to be grating. You wonder how much longer it’ll take before Hades finally knocks him away as well.

It seems like you only get dished with more heartache any time you try to better yourself, so you stopped trying. But the Creator doesn’t care for that, He admires your strength but He wants the drama to keep unfolding. It wouldn’t be fair to Him if he just made a dud, hence why you feel the need to constantly destroy things around you. You try not to think about Him, but whenever you are in tremendous trouble, He does throw you a bone. So you guess you should be gracious for that.

Troian Bellisario

murder tw, abuse tw, implied rape tw (very vague)

DAY DREAM NUMBER ONE:

They’re always tinted lavender, you’ve noticed. Always a haze to make sure you understand that not everything is as perfect as you wish. You created a whole different world in these daydreams, one with adventure and romance, magic and suspense. It was your proudest creation. In this daydream, you’re a princess, on your way to rescue the fair maiden who needed your help. You’re an enchanting witchy princess, a mystery to the entire kingdom and beloved by everyone around you. In your kingdom, you are fair and kind, a gentle reminder that not everyone like you are a violent lot. In your daydreams, you have never known heartbreak.

REALITY:

Despite the ups, there were the downs. You remember the mark left on your cheek when you misbehaved and your mother didn’t know how else to discipline you. You remember the anger flaring up inside you when your father left you alone with her and didn’t take you. You are the product of generational trauma, from your mother to hers and the mothers before yours. Where the only thing these women knew how to do were to destroy their daughters before the world could. In reality, you are met with violence and you drip resentment. In reality, you are only a child with no way to defend yourself but with sarcasm and petty theft. In reality, you grow without love. In reality, you are not sure what you’re supposed be.

DAYDREAM NUMBER TWO:

In this daydream, the boy likes you back for no other reason other than he likes you. In this daydream, the teachers think you’re a lovely person to have in class. In this daydream, you were actually adopted and the eerie resemblances you have to your mother are only by chance. They are only an accident. In this daydream, your real mother and father are going out of their minds searching for you, doing everything they can for you. In your daydream, you marry a prince and run away from home forever, never to be seen again. Here is your safest, most intrusive thought. In your daydream, you kill your mother. Her blood is coating your lilac skin, and you just keep going until she no longer exists.

REALITY:

In truth, your mother will probably outlive you and spit on your grave. In truth, she made up half of you, or more. In truth, you hate her and everything around you. The boys never wanted just you, they wanted more. They took more if you didn’t give it to them. They don’t care about you. In reality, you are nothing more than a sad girl who bites back at anyone who tries to give you a hard time. You choose to use people around you, as a payback. They made you this bitter girl, they ruined your spirit. You can’t lash out at your mother, but you can break the hearts of everyone around you. You can use them and spit them out. You can hurt them like she hurts you, and you don’t need to feel bad about it. They were going to do the same to you anyway, right? They were going to beat you down harder than you bite. It’s all their fault.

DAYDREAM NUMBER THREE:

You are in a healthy relationship. He treats you kindly, and you have decided that maybe you can be more than the angry, bitter girl, with no mother. No, she’s gone now from your life forever. How? It doesn’t matter, nothing matters. People don’t say your fixation on this boy is unhealthy, they say your love for Luke is healthy and liberating because you had no idea you could love yourself, let alone someone else. In your daydreams, you wedding gown and pure white and there is no hint of corruption from your mother or anyone else. In this daydream, you are desirable, you are worthy of love. In this daydream, no one tries to hurt you. There are no other demons to confront, there is only you and Luke, happily ever after.

REALITY:

Luke was a bad man, with a habit of stealing just like you. He got caught however, and you begged Hades for help. He had the reputation of helping, but not without a price. He got Luke out, but you were indebted to him and would have to pay him back eventually. Luke, however, was not the prince you were looking for. Luke was a cheater and a liar, and when you rightfully killed him, the pure white snow was tarnished with his blood. Blood that Hades now has to clean up. Blood that now belongs to Hades. Now, you are his bondswoman. Now you go around breaking hearts and throw them at Hades. Now you are corruption, and you do not revel in your crimes. No, you are waiting for your absolution. You are waiting for the day you can rest, but you do not wait for anyone no longer. You take, you take, and you do not feel guilt anymore. You no longer see your mother, you no longer need anyone. You are a damsel, you are in distress, but this time? You can handle it.

Pressed lavender flowers, the same color as your daydreams. When you were a child, you picked them out yourself and for some reason kept them with you for so long. Perhaps the soothing smell calms you or perhaps it was the first time you thought of doing something nice for yourself that led you to where you are now. Nevertheless, the lavender represents much more than the flower but the comforting daydreams you escaped to.

#disney rpg #lsrpg #skeleton rpg #new lsrp #lsrp #takenskel #taken #Megara #hercules #implied rape tw #murder tw #abuse tw #megaraskel

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hellogreenweb · 7 years

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Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice

There was a time in my life when I felt defined by how others treated me. I carried around what had happened to me, which continued to hurt me and also limit my progress. But it wasn’t who I really was. The thing that made a difference in how I felt about myself was realizing my own power to choose. The scriptures call this freedom the “agency” of man, or the ability to “act” and not merely “to be acted upon.” The Declaration of Independence describes it as part of an unalienable endowment from our Creator. But how can this be true? We all experience times when other people’s choices “act upon” us, when our freedom is restricted or altogether taken away.

I have come to learn that God’s plan helps us to be free from the inside out, making us powerful agents in our own story. In other words, our very souls have sovereignty. His is not a plan of “freedom from” something else, but of “freedom to act in the dignity of our own choice.” I would like to share several experiences that helped me to declare my independence. The first was to forgive and the second was to actively accept responsibility for my own actions.

Image: @kyleledeboer

My growing-up years were blessed by loving, devoted parents, but they were also pockmarked by the sadness and division of divorce, the confusion and anguish of sexual abuse, and the defensive posture resulting from conflict I could not control. Even after I left home, I felt trapped by the effects of my experiences, long after the direct harm was past. I went away to college, attended counseling, and began to get some perspective on my situation. With perspective came a great deal of anger. I could sense that my Heavenly Father was leading and teaching me, but I didn’t know where to put all the hurt and blame.

During a church mission to The Netherlands, I met and served many people, both the Dutch and the refugees they hosted, who were recovering from the effects of war. The broader the world became to me, the more I saw that my struggles were not unique; they were but a drop in the vast ocean of human suffering. It all felt so overwhelming at times. Where was God in all of this? Didn’t He care how His children were hurting each other?

It came to a head one day when I was looking out the window from a city bus. I saw a frustrated and tired mom yell fiercely at her son for doing something. When she turned her back to keep walking, the boy turned to his younger brother and hit him in the face. Such a small moment. Such an insignificant, mundane occurrence, but I sat there and cried. The smallest boy was so confused and hurt. I just wanted to jump off the bus and hug him.

The things is, these were not bad people. They seemed representative to me of how we are all hurting, plagued by insecurities, failing energies, and unmet needs. But our response to these deficits can trickle down and have terrible consequences in the lives of others. How can we ever be truly free if all we do is react to the triggers of conflict, selfishness and competition all around us?

This experience helped me to see that things are more complex than the “good guy” and the “bad guy.” I began to think about the mom and the older brother. Surely the mom wasn’t a bad mom. Just an ordinary one at the end of a long day. And the older brother seemed to be trying to find power in his life, perhaps the only way he knew how. Maybe those who had hurt me when I was young had been hurt somehow, too. I know that there is no excuse for the abuse of another person. (And please don’t read anything I write today to lead you to believe that you should stay in or enable an abusive relationship!) But with the gradations of human experience playing out before my eyes, I began to feel an ounce of compassion for the “bad guys” in my story.

Image: @kyleledeboer

When I got home from my mission, I had the opportunity to share my feelings with my mom on a quiet day before Christmas. Hugging me, she told me how sorry she was. I realized that I had craved an apology. I had wanted someone to recognize my pain and make amends. But it also wasn’t what I really needed. An apology could never change what had happened or restore what I had lost. It would never be enough.

As I had that thought, the story of Jacob and Esau came to my mind. I had just been reading in my scriptures of how Esau runs to meet Jacob, and embraces him, and falls on his neck, and kisses him after years apart. And whereas both had been struggling with the heart-breaking deficits and wounds in their relationship, they both take the opportunity to say, “I have enough.”

I suddenly felt how very true those words were. Things would never be the same as they were before I was hurt, but I had enough to move forward. As with Jacob and Esau, the grace of Christ had played out over a number of years, mending wounds and opening up a space for compassion and forgiveness. I thought of my heartache in context of all I had seen and learned on my mission and felt a kind of crossroads open up in my heart. I could either continue to harbor anger and bitterness from my past or I could try to find a way to let it completely go.

All in the space of that hug, I chose to believe in Christ’s ability to heal, restore, and execute fair judgment in this whole mess of a mortal life. I gave up the fight for restitution and my demand for an explanation. I took a breath and I leaned into my mom’s neck, as I had wanted to so many times as a little girl, and I let the tears go. I made my choice. I wanted peace more than payment.

Image: @kyleledeboer

When I returned to college a few weeks later, I began dating a really cute guy (whom I would eventually marry). I really liked him, so I was devastated when we started to have conflict over a silly wedding date. It seemed so trivial, but it eventually took us to the brink of how much we trusted each other. My fiancé broke up with me and said something like: “Don’t worry. I don’t blame you. I know you come from a rough past.” And then left. The state. I was so mad! Who was this self-righteous guy that thought he could condescend from his perch of a perfect past to tell me that he didn’t blame me?!

After I took some time to cool down and cry a little (okay, a lot), I realized that the reason it bugged me so badly was because I didn’t want to be held hostage by my past. I wasn’t actually mad at him – just angry that my past had followed me this far and had the power to steal more joy. I had taken some pretty major steps to move forward, but I was still considered broken. And then it occurred to me that I had been carrying my past around like a badge. It had been my identity. But I did not actually want to be defined by what had happened in my life or by what others thought of me. I would rather be defined by my own choices.

When my boyfriend came back to town, we had a lot to work through. Paramount on my list was having a conversation about my accountability. I told him that he should expect me to be responsible for the mistakes I had made, so we could work through and learn from them the way we would work through his mistakes. In order to step out of the shadow of my past, I needed to be accountable for my actions. Said George Bernard Shaw: “Liberty means responsibility.” And in gospel terms, responsibility means repentance. I knew that I was not responsible for the abuse and conflict I had suffered when I was young. But I also knew that it would require humility and sensitivity to the Spirit to avoid repeating some of the destructive patterns I had seen modeled in my childhood home.

I sit at my desk now, having just gotten off the phone, laughing with my mom, and having kissed my husband as he went back to his office for a late night of work. I am truly amazed at how free I feel from all of the trauma I carried around for so long. I have released my claim on payment and have instead laid claim to my own future. In some ways, carrying the resentment and blame for my past was like wearing an old, worn-out coat. It never really kept me warm, but it was familiar. Casting it off left me feeling vulnerable and uncertain. But I also felt free. Free to leave behind the confusion, fear, and anger and move toward a life that is now full of a great deal of joy. I’m sure I still have a lot to learn, but I think God might look at me and think, “She’s finally beginning to see.”

Image: @kyleledeboer

Earlier I asked the question: Where was God in all of this? Now I can see Him in all of it. As painful as it often was, He didn’t pluck me out of the world and hold me in His arms, like I so badly wanted. He didn’t strike down the “bad guys” or force an apology. He didn’t deliver mercy or justice when I demanded them. But He did – He does – deliver. Through the years, He gave me the ability to administer mercy and justice in my own life, although it was the reverse of what I thought I wanted. He enlivened my soul with compassion (forgiveness) and a sense of my own strength (accountability). This ability – this power – was the freedom I was looking for. He didn’t change the way the world works, but He did change me.

I feel grateful for the difficulties I have gone through, because they have helped me to realize my own power to choose. True freedom is power within myself, an active “independence of mind.” It is the freedom of self-determination, the freedom inherent in my soul, no matter my circumstances. It is the ability to “stand fast,” to recognize the gradations in light and dark and to choose the light, regardless of the choices of others.

I realize that not all of you may be able to identify with my experiences when I was growing up. But we all reach similar crossroads as I have. In our interactions with others, as bumpy as they sometimes may be, it is given unto us to choose. No one can compel us to forgive. No one can force a change of heart. But in these acts, we are truly free. Forgiveness and repentance seem now to be two sides of the same coin – to release what we cannot control with grace and to claim what we must control with humility. Both are acts of freedom. And both are possible because of Christ, the One who has made us free.

Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice posted first on http://ift.tt/2ulDYg7

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hellogreenweb · 7 years

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Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice

Image: @kyleledeboer

Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice posted first on http://ift.tt/2ulDYg7

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hellogreenweb · 7 years

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Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice

Image: @kyleledeboer

Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice posted first on http://ift.tt/2ulDYg7

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hellogreenweb · 7 years

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Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice

Image: @kyleledeboer

Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice posted first on http://ift.tt/2ulDYg7

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hellogreenweb · 7 years

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Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice

Image: @kyleledeboer

Freedom: The Dignity of our Own Choice posted first on http://ift.tt/2ulDYg7

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