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eideticallys · 1 year

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You Think I'm Delicious?

pairing: spencer reid x reader

summary: all your dreams and hopes of getting cuddly with spencer were shattered when he uttered those six words.

“i don’t like your new perfume.”

genre: fluff & crack

word count: 1.9k

author's notes: here's a spencer reid fluff without plot, just crack (i tried so i hope you'll laugh while reading this). anyway, enjoy reading this one! also posted on ao3 (spencereids).

THE THING ABOUT DR. SPENCER REID IS THAT HE’S A VERY SENSITIVE PERSON. He's very particular about stuff like his dislikes for certain textures and not knowing about something—making him a good researcher by the way, because if he doesn't know something, you'll find him poring through books—and even certain smells aren't an exception. One might think that this is normal with his job because, of course, he does. He has probably smelled dead bodies more than he has smelled fresh flowers. Of course, he hates smells like rotten flesh. Disgusting, honestly. But, what can he do? That is part of his job.

So, when he suddenly tugged you to his side one day to hug you, you were excited for him to take note of your new perfume and love it. No, you were certain he’d love it just as much as you did when you first took a whiff at the store. You just had to buy it because you were sure he’d go crazy over your smell. He’d tuck his face into your neck and shower you with pecks. Because despite what everyone else thinks they know about Spencer having an aversion to touch, he was quite the cuddler when he was in love. And yes, you were the lucky recipient of his comforting hugs 24/7.

However, all your dreams and hopes of getting cuddly with Spencer were shattered when he uttered those six words.

“I don’t like your new perfume.”

Your jaw dropped as soon as he said that distressing sentence. Meanwhile, Spencer was quick to move away from you and continue what he was doing previously—playing chess by himself. Sometimes, if only you didn’t love your boyfriend and didn’t have to face charges, you would strangle him for a lot of things. One of which was being nonchalant after just dropping a bomb like that. What does he mean by you smell bad? You bought a citrus-scented perfume that hurt your pockets; you’ll have to give up your afternoon snacks at the cafe near the FBI headquarters. So, like any good partner out there, you just had to instigate a little argument over your new perfume.

“Excuse me?”

Your boyfriend looked up at your incredulous tone, merely raising a brow at you as if to ask, “What’s up?” This almost got your eye twitching, but you refrained. Taking a breath, you plastered a sickly sweet smile on your face and clarified your previous question.

“What do you mean you don’t like my new perfume?”

Spencer started reddening at your accusatory tone and shrugged halfheartedly, which made you raise one perfectly formed brow at your boyfriend. Now, you’re curious why your boyfriend blushed at your question.

He may be quite shy, but Spencer wasn’t the best when it came to social cues. He rarely gets embarrassed about something unless you blatantly point it out. You could probably count on one hand the number of times he flushed pink. A funny memory you have of him reddening like a tomato was when the BAU were out interviewing streetwalkers. Despite his social awkwardness, Spencer was propositioned by all the women he talked to. You could still remember the exact look he had on his face when he had to pull his tie away from the woman, who was busy rolling it on her fingers.

God, he’s so precious, you’d keep him in your pocket if you could. But right now, he isn’t your favorite person, and you’d love nothing more than to figure out why he was blushing. You were sure there was something behind all those burning cheeks.

“Spencer,” you slowly enunciated the syllables of his name, making him look at you once again. He tilted his head in question as you sighed dramatically, “Out with it.”

“What?”

“You’re flushed pink. You’re picking at your nails, and your right knee just started bouncing.” You pointed it out, and Spencer tried to remedy every single thing you mentioned. “Baby, for a profiler, you’re not doing great at hiding stuff. Tell me what’s going on.”

He scowled and crossed his arms like a petulant child, definitely wishing you weren’t a profiler, and a damn good one at that, like him. You merely chuckled at his antics and crossed your arms in retaliation. No, you weren’t backing away from this one. You spent money on perfume, hoping your boyfriend would love it. But no, he hated it, and now, you have to know why.

You could hear the ticking of the wall clock—if you focused hard enough—with the way not a single sound could be heard from the both of you waiting for the other to cave—not even a phone call from Garcia telling you that you have a case and, you have to be in the office in fifteen minutes could disrupt your focus right now. You could say the same about your boyfriend right now, who is intently staring at your phones on the table. He was probably hoping a work call would come through to save his ass from getting interrogated by you. It’s kind of sick that one would want to hear a new body was found, but at least you’d be out there catching another bad guy and locking them up, never to see the light of day until their last breath. He would rather have a face-off with a murderer than his girlfriend, whom he’s pretty sure is close to resorting to violence for borderline calling her stinky—not really, you’re just dramatic like that.

“Well, for starters, I think it’s strong like I’m drowning in it,” Spencer emphasized the word strong, making your brows furrow. He didn’t have that problem with your previous perfume, and it was stronger—he’s hiding something. You stared pointedly at your boyfriend now, who was fidgeting like crazy under your scrutiny.

“Are you sure that’s it? You didn’t have that problem with my previous perfume, which I’m pretty sure is much stronger than this one.” You clarified, tilting your head to the side as you explained further. “Garcia loved the smell of flowers, but she told me she sneezed every time I passed by. She had to ask me to change the scents immediately. And despite the complaints, you loved it so much that you would tuck your face into my neck.”

At this point, Spencer looked like he was about to burst from an aneurysm with how red he had gotten. You couldn’t help but feel a little bit sorry, but you also had to make him suffer.

“Tell me, Spencer. Or else, I might just have to resort to other tactics.” You almost cackled at the way your boyfriend looked like he’d rather start digging a hole for him to bury himself in. “And you know, I’m a great profiler. I always get what I want.”

However, as soon as you said those words, you noticed Spencer’s eyes drifting towards a half-full bottle sitting on his little desk filled with heaps of paperwork.

Oh. That’s the problem.

“Baby, I think I know what the problem is here.”

Spencer quickly leaped off your couch to avoid getting teased by you—which wasn’t your plan at all, by the way—and was about to run into your bedroom, but you were quick on your feet and were able to catch his arm and pull him towards you. Yep, unfortunately for your boyfriend, you were better when it came to physical activities.

Although you were better at that angle, you still weren’t able to properly estimate the way you pulled him into you because both of you ended up toppling over on your couch. Luckily, it was the couch, because you’re sure Hotch would have your heads served on a platter if both of his agents were injured and there was a sudden case.

You both landed unceremoniously, with Spencer squeaking as he ended up face-first into your chest, and you groaned as you cushioned his fall. Choosing to pause for a moment, you ran your hands through his brown curls as you both tried to catch your breath. Spencer seemed to agree with that idea as he started inhaling your scent, which made you smile a bit.

“You know, it’s not that I hate your perfume because it smells bad.” Spencer started explaining in a hushed tone, “I just liked it better when you smelled like me.”

Your eyes widened at his confession. This was the first time Spencer had ever said something possessive. Despite not being the usual alpha male girls go for, Spencer had enough confidence in himself that you chose him out of all the guys out there you could’ve gone for. At the start of your relationship, you made it clear to him that he was the one you wanted to be with. Not someone as domineering as Hotch or someone as bold as Morgan.

No, you wanted Spencer.

You wanted to be with Spencer.

So, you were shocked at your boyfriend’s display of possessiveness, but at the same time, you found it cute that he wanted you to smell like him. It wasn’t every day that he wanted to engage in a public display of affection. And just like any other girlfriend out there who enjoyed the attention you got from your boyfriend, you laughed as you tried to pull Spencer’s face towards yours.

“God, you’re so adorable, Dr. Reid,” you exclaimed as you peppered his face with pecks and pinched his cheeks as he tried to dodge, embarrassed after saying he wanted you to use his perfume, “I could eat your face!”

“We don’t want that." Spencer said, "The BAU would lose two of their best agents with me inside your gastrointestinal tract and you in jail for cannibalism.”

You rolled your eyes at him as he blinked at you innocently. Sometimes, you hate his brain.

“Stop taking things literally!" You exclaimed to your boyfriend, "You know what I’m talking about!”

“I don’t.” Spencer frowned. You could hear the cogs in his brain start working, meaning he was about to spew out some facts. “Actually, our senses of smell and taste are directly related. They both use the same types of receptors, so if you smell something that you think is delicious, this triggers the same area of the brain that activates our salivary glands. Wait, you think I’m delicious?”

You facepalmed yourself. For a guy with an IQ of 187, your boyfriend could be an idiot.

“You’re an idiot.”

“No, I’m not!” Spencer protested and explained some more, “Seeing an object, food, or even a person that is pleasing to the eye can cause people to salivate. Pleasant smells such as your favorite food, your partner’s natural scent, or smelling perfume on your partner can stimulate the production of saliva more than looking at that person. This process can initiate feelings of wanting to eat or bite.”

Despite his protests, you simply clucked and pinched his nose. Wanting to retaliate, Spencer continued spilling his tangents.

“Aha! You like me so much, my smell makes you want to bite me!”

“You know what, Spence?” You asked sweetly at your boyfriend, who was now listening intently to you. He’ll never know what hit him. “I love you so much, but I preferred it when you got embarrassed about wanting me to smell like you.”

By your admission, Spencer started blushing profusely again as he tried to bury his face in your neck.

“Shut up!”

“I love you too, Spence.”

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criminalmindsfanantic · 6 months

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Penelope *entering the bullpen in a festive outfit*: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?!

JJ: Merry fucking crisis.

Derek: Hoe *points at Emily* hoe *points at Reid* hoe *points at JJ*.

Reid: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way.

Emily: Fuck the snow! Fuck the snow! Fuck the snow!

Penelope: Guys, please.

#chaoticbau #criminal minds #emily prentiss #jennifer jareau #derek morgan #spencer reid #penelope garcia #jemily #cm #incorrect criminal minds #incorrect cm #incorrect criminal minds quotes #christmas #cm crack

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fr3sh-c0rn · 3 months

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Rossi: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!

Emily: And here we have a capitalist.

Spencer: Did you just-

JJ: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.

#criminal minds #Cm #cm incorrect quotes #incorrect criminal minds quotes #Criminal minds incorrect quotes #Spencer Reid #jj jareau #jennifer jareau #david rossi #criminal minds crack #criminal minds memes

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regiawrites · 8 months

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Spencer Reid- Packing Heat

Warning(s): male masturbation, caffeine-induced idiocy

Word Count: 783

Notes: This is so fucking stupid

Summary: Garcia walks in on Reid part-taking in some self-care. Embarrassment ensues.

Penelope Garcia had a tendency to unceremoniously burst into rooms. It was truly the habit of an excitable child that grew into an equally excitable adult.

Ordinarily, it wasn’t much of an issue. By and large, people were used to her high energy and, aside from her occasionally barrelling into a person or knocking something over, this habit rarely had any immediate consequences.

Until New York.

The BAU was tackling a high-profile case involving cyber terrorism and had decided that Garcia would be a better asset in person than over the phone. As always, she gushed over the jet on the way there before arriving. Within half an hour of landing, she was corralled in a computer room that she promptly decorated with trinkets she brought with her.

26 long, coffee-fuelled hours later, the case was closed, multiple members of a domestic terrorist cell were in the custody of the NYPD, and The BAU was scattered across a cheap hotel. A cheap hotel with very poor room security and rickety doors.

After what probably amassed to 2 litres of coffee, Garcia couldn’t sleep, even after the stressful more-than-a-day she’d had. In her opinion, the best thing to do about this would be to go to Reid’s room and binge-watch Doctor Who until she fell asleep.

Pyjama-clad and nearly vibrating with excess energy, she hurried from her room to Reid’s, practically flinging herself through his door (that gave out and swung open with very little effort) and received… more than an eyeful.

Reid was sprawled on the lumpy hotel bed, shirt unbuttoned, and slacks gathered at his ankles. His head was thrown back, and his hand was wrapped around his-

“It’s huge!” Garcia shrieked. Reid yelped, head snapping up to look at her before he squealed and covered himself with a pillow.

“Garcia!” he screeched, face burning a bright red. “What the hell are you doing?!”

“I’m sorry!” she squeaked, clumsily falling back out of the room and slamming the door behind her.

She stumbled towards her room for a few steps before crashing into something.

“Woah there, baby girl,” a smooth voice drawled. “What’s the hurry?” Garcia looked up to see Morgan looking down at her, a concerned angle to his brow.

“It’s huge!” she choked out, eyes wide.

“What is huge?” he asked. “What happened?”

“It’s like a baseball bat!”

“What’s like a baseball bat?”

“What’s going on?” a tired Emily asked, coming out of her hotel room.

“I have no idea,” Morgan told her as they both watched Garcia try to gather her words.

“IsawReidjerkingoffandohmygod- “

“Woah, woah, woah,” he cut her off, holding his hands up slightly. “I can’t hear that fast, Mama, slow down.”

“I saw Reid jerking off and- “

“What?!” Emily gasped.

“-Oh my God, it’s the size of my forearm!”

Morgan and Emily blinked at her for a few seconds, processing her words.

“’It’ being…?” Emily encouraged with a raised eyebrow.

“Reid’s di-?” Morgan tried to finish but Garcia slapped a hand over his mouth.

“YES!” she yelped. “You don’t have to say it!”

At that unfortunate moment, Reid- now fully dressed- burst out of his room into the hallway, looking remarkably dishevelled. Immediately, three pairs of wide eyes dropped to his crotch, and he hurried to cover himself with his hands.

“Why are you looking there?” he demanded, voice breaking more than once.

Garcia and Emily had the decency to look embarrassed and look away, but Morgan burst into peals of hearty laughter.

“Daaamn, Pretty Boy,” he said, teasingly. “Apparently you’re packing some serious heat!”

“Stop!” Reid wailed, curling in on himself. “Why didn't you knock?!”

“I don’t know!” Garcia cried. “The door kind of just opened!”

“This hotel does have terrible security,” Emily added, still standing in her doorway, leaning against the frame. “It doesn’t take much force to open them, and you know how Garcia gets.”

“Especially with how much coffee she’s had today,” Morgan said.

“That’s why I was going to your room! I wanted to watch Doctor Who!”

With an irritated Reid pinched the bridge of his nose with one hand, the other still shielding his crotch from view.

“You know that hand really isn’t doing much,” Emily pointed out. “We can still see it.”

“Well, stop looking at it!”

“We can’t!” Garcia whined. “It’s like right freaking there.”

“And apparently the size of Garcia’s forearm,” Morgan snorted. Reid made a guttural sound of embarrassment before fleeing into his room, closing the door harshly behind himself.

Morgan, Garcia and Emily shared a brief, awkward look before dissolving into giggles and snorts.

In his room, Reid groaned and rolled his eyes, knowing the jokes would be endless.

#spencer reid smut #Spencer Reid #Crack Fic #this is stupid #don't take this seriously

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multifandomlover01 · 3 months

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[This is total crack. It's cringe (intentionally). It's awful. Please don’t take this seriously like at all]

WC: 280

Fem!Reader has a pussy, no actual smut but...oral sex is mentioned

You made cookies for the team. You had placed them on the snack/coffee table in the kitchen area.

“Whoever made these cookies needs their pussy ate.” Emily joked as she took a bite of a cookie, not realizing that you had made them.

“Ok, I’ll tell Spencer.” You say, completely seriously.

Derek almost choked on his cookie, not realizing Spencer was a total munch or that you two were even together. “I’m sorry…what?”

“Somebody say pussy eating?” Spencer asks as he appears beside you like he’d been summoned by the words. “Ooh, cookies!”

He grabs a cookie to eat. He can’t stop (and doesn’t want to stop or doesn’t even try to stop) the moan that escaped his mouth when he takes a bite. He looks you dead in the eyes (he knew you’d baked the cookies because he saw you bring them in/helped you bake them or watched you bake them) and says. “You need your pussy ate, like right now.”

Derek’s mouth hung open. He thought Spencer exploded if he used that kind of language.

Rossi resigns on the spot, he turns his badge and gun in and just leaves. He’ll send someone for his stuff later. He just needs to be anywhere but here right now and he never wants to come back.

“Your pussy drove Rossi away.” Penelope frowns. “Some pussy.”

"I think that's the opposite of what Missy Elliot said." JJ points out.

"Ooh, maybe Rossi was intimidated by her WAP." Penelope says.

"Can we stop talking about my pussy, please?!" Your face is red as a tomato.

"Why? It got that gorilla glue grip." Spencer pouts.

You launch your tomato self into the sun.

[who let me write this? I feel like I should be in jail for this]

#spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid imagine #criminal minds #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x reader #spencer reid #crack #crack fic

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mggsv · 5 months

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Hope you're having a good day/night

I was wondering if I could request a headcannon of the BAU team x Gender Neutral reader who is super tall like 7 foot?

This is so funny of course (i’m 5’2)

sorry if these suck too😭

I feel like everyone, and i mean everyone would have to adjust to your height.

With the ladies of the team it’s a fever dream, especially for Penelope. She likes to walk with you arm in arm just for the ride, although she absolutely despises looking up at you, It makes her laugh when you bend down just to talk to her.

Morgan comments about how you have the height but he still has the guns to drive ladies crazy. You have frequent arm wrestling matches just for him to prove his strength. However, you always smile at him while (quite literally) looking over his frame. It gets him every time..

When the Ladies hang out they always invite you, especially when they go shopping. They need someone to reach the shoes on the top shelf after all. It’s also always a treat having you with them, they can always come to you for things.

With Hotch is another story. You’re more with Jack than anything. He likes to “touch the clouds” which you have no problem with. You carry him like he’s an airplane everytime you see each other.

Rossi absolutely- absolutely hates it. He dislikes having to look up at you when he speaks. When he does talk to you directly, it’s with him standing up by Hotch’s office and you below deck. Each time you can’t help but laugh.

With Reid it’s another session about your height every time. Even during work hours he’s telling you facts about genetics, family traits and most importantly how your height is truly extraordinary.

#cm #i’m going crazy #criminal minds #aaron hotch headcannons #head cannons #criminal minds headcanons #rossi #david rossi #penelope garcia #emily prentiss #aaron hotchner #spencer reid #crack criminal minds #cm crack #im very tired

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