#this completely From An Outsiders Pov still. its uncomfortable to look at. especially remembering being a child shortly after our street was | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

marypsue · 1 year

Note

Old if you’re still doing the trope rating but if so! Outside POV and found family! Also this is not tied to the trip rating but I’m honor of curse reverse being almost done (ahhh!!!!!!!!!) do you have any deleted scenes or directors commentary you want to share?

Hello, anon, hello! I’ll still do this trope rating meme, absolutely!

Outside(r?) POV:

Hello, Mary-nip. There is much that delights me, in the world of fanfiction, but there’s very little that delights me so much and so consistently as a work that focuses on somebody who is peripheral to or completely disconnected from The Plot and The Main Characters, and their experience of the world/canon events.

Love it when the outsider has no idea what’s going on and spends the entire time reacting with shock. Love it when the outsider manages somehow to miss the importance of (or just plain miss) all of the canon events as they unfold around that outsider. Love it when the outsider is just trying to live their life around whatever bullshit is happening in canon. Love it when the outsider is actually, secretly, an insider, has managed to put together, through dint of observation, deduction, and not being a complete fucking idiot, at least the broad strokes of what is actually going on. And has been taking bets with other outsiders-who-are-secretly-insiders on what dumb thing The Main Characters are going to do about The Plot this time, and how long it’ll take The Main Characters to notice that they’re doing a really bad job of keeping their Big Important Secret...secret. Just. Love love love love love it.

Found family:

I’ve seen this done badly, but more often I’ve seen it done well. I’m a big ol’ sucker for characters being important to each other. (Hate it when authors try to slot the characters in a ‘found family’ situation into nuclear family roles, though, especially when the characters in question already have biological/nuclear families with whom we are never shown they do anything but get along with and love.)

Also, speaking of deleted scenes, I’ve got a couple! The first one was from when I thought I was going to go in a slightly different direction with put your curse in reverse from much earlier on. And the second one is one that I couldn’t find a good place for, but might still find its way into the AU, in a slightly different form.

...

“What did you think we were talking about?” she snaps back at Robin, and is rewarded with another of those oh-god-I’m-gonna-puke looks.

“Nothing. Nothing. None of your business.”

“Are you kidding? What, do you not trust me now? You’ve got my secret. If it gets out, I’ll be a laughingstock. Or worse.” Barb shakes her head, leaning into the corner by the door. Somebody else must have sat here, like this, sometime. There are initials scratched into the paint of the door. “I know you don’t believe me. You don’t have to. Just don’t – tell anybody. Please.”

Robin still sounds disbelieving, but also a little curious, as she says, “’Or worse’?”

Barb can’t look at her. “If the wrong people hear about this – last November. Remember Will Byers went missing? And they found his body? And then he came back?”

“I thought that had something to do with how decomposed -”

Barb presses on. “They faked his death. And they nearly did the same for the rest of us. They still could.”

Robin’s quiet, for a while. Barb can’t bring herself to say anything else.

“You…really are scared, huh,” Robin says, at last.

Barb shrugs one shoulder. When she looks over at Robin, Robin’s biting her bottom lip, giving Barb a long, considering look. “So…what can you do? What kind of -” She chokes on a laugh. “Psychic powers do you have?”

Barb turns her face back toward the door before she mumbles, “I know the future sometimes.” She’s uncomfortably aware that Robin’s going to ask her to demonstrate. She’s equally uncomfortably aware that she won’t be able to. Not with this freezing darkness lying over all the possibilities and pushing her out.

“The future,” Robin repeats. She doesn’t sound convinced. She also doesn’t sound totally unconvinced, though, either. Barb dares to raise her head, a little. “What about Nancy?”

“Nancy? Oh, she blows stuff up.”

“She what?”

“Okay, blows holes in stuff. It’s very violent. Very Carrie.”

“That is -”

“Not what you would’ve expected from her?” Barb risks another look over in Robin’s direction. “Trust me, if you know her, it makes perfect sense.”

Robin leans forward, folding her hands on her bent knee and resting her chin on top of them. “Would she be willing to demonstrate?” She must catch the meaning in the look Barb’s shooting her, because she puts on a flippant smile. “No offence, but knowing the future sometimes is a little vague. Blowing holes in stuff is a little harder to deny.”

She still doesn’t sound like she believes Barb. But at least she’s willing to try. That’s a start.

“And harder to fake, right?” Barb nods. “I might be able to persuade her.” She pauses, thinking, before she asks, “So, you really don’t have any – odd talents that nobody else can quite seem to do? Never done anything, known anything, that you couldn’t really explain?”

Robin shrugs, without unfolding from her curled-up pose. Her smile goes a little wry, for a second, and then she just looks sad. But all she says is, “I can twist my tongue over so the front part’s upside down?”

“Really? How? I mean, that’s not really the kind of thing I was thinking of, but -”

Robin opens her mouth and demonstrates. It is weirdly unsettling.

“Okay, stop it, stop it!” Barb has to begrudgingly admit, “Very impressive, though.”

Robin shuts her mouth again, with a smug little smile.

“So is that what all that out on the soccer field was about?” she asks. “You – what, had a premonition of that kid getting electrocuted?”

“He didn’t get electrocuted,” Barb says. “And I wish I’d known that was coming. No. What happened out there is – kind of a long story.”

Robin shrugs, again, and settles back against the wall. “Well, it sure sounds more interesting than trying to solve for x. Take all the time you need.”

Robin doesn’t skip class any more than Barb does. Barb knows an olive branch when she sees one.

“Okay,” she says, unwedging herself from the corner and sitting up so she can get comfortable. “Okay. So it started last November…”

...

“So, tell me. When the Brain says ‘if you need anything at all’, does that include help digging up a pumpkin patch by hand?”

Joyce sighs, jabbing the point of her shovel into the dirt and leaning heavily against the handle. “Why do you have such a problem with him? And don’t try to tell me it’s just that he’s too good to be true, again.”

Whatever answer she’s hoping for – and even she’s not sure – she doesn’t get it. Hopper just goes back to throwing shovelsful of dirt out of the steadily-growing hole at their feet and doesn’t meet her eyes.

“I worry about you,” he says, finally, to the dirt.

“Worry about - ! Hop, he’s the biggest sweetheart I’ve ever met. Nothing at all like -” Joyce bites off her own sentence. “Honestly, sometimes I wonder what it would even take to make him get really angry.” Honestly, sometimes, some perverse part of her wants to push. Wants to be cruel enough to find out.

Even thinking it, trying to put it into words, just makes it sound crazy even to Joyce. God, what is wrong with her. Bob’s seemingly endless reserves of calm patience should be reassuring, not anxiety-inducing.

Joyce just – she doesn’t know where his limits are. Doesn’t know if maybe she’s already found them. She’s fallen for one lying, manipulative sonuvabitch already. The more helpful and understanding Bob tries to be with each new thing Joyce has to put him through, the worse the nagging worry gets. That maybe he’s putting on a friendly face to get something out of her. Or quietly stewing over the best way to hurt her back for something Joyce didn’t even realise she’d done. That maybe it’s all about to blow up in her face –

That sounds paranoid. It sounds paranoid, and Joyce knows that’s not what Bob’s like. She trusts him, he’s never given any sign that he’s anything other than exactly what he seems to be, anything other than genuinely kind. It’s just –

Sometimes, she just doesn’t know what he’s thinking.

If only he’d blow his top every once in a while, draw a hard line of how much more he’ll put up with, maybe then Joyce would be able to tell where she stands.

“That wasn’t what -” Hopper huffs out a sigh, resting a foot on the head of the shovel and leaning against the handle as he looks Joyce in the face. “You got him right in the middle of everything. Keeping him in the dark’s gotta be a full-time job. Especially right now.”

“That’s why I don’t want to, anymore,” Joyce says. That’s part of the truth, anyway. “He’s part of my life, now. I – I want him to be a part of my life.”

...

(Oh, and also this:)

“Seriously, Karen, you must remember being a teenager. Doing stupid things is baked in.”

#chatter #this is mary's fic tag #the hawkins indiana psychic baby boom

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fullmetalscullyy · 3 years

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if you're still accepting prompts, could you do "shh, it’s okay. it was just a dream"?

always, anon <3 and it's funny u should suggest that prompt bc i just wrote something for it a few weeks ago! and you can find it here, already on ao3

so now, u have two for the price of one :') that fic was a young!riza pov, so how about a post-canon roy pov this time? tysm for the prompt and the ask!!!

rated: t | words: 1819 | tags: nightmares, angst, hurt/comfort, post-canon, royai, promised day memories

read on ao3

Roy’s body jerked violently in his bed. His legs kicked outwards, shifting the sheet off of his searing skin and knocking it onto the floor. The cool night air blanketed his body instantly, trying, but ultimately failing, to ease his distress. His dream continued to linger painfully, jolting him upright into a seated position, causing both hands to land flat by his sides to maintain some semblance of balance while his head swung from left to right, searching the inky black stretching out before him. Roy saw nothing, which only made him panic even more.

Am I blind again?

The thought appeared unbidden in his mind. A part of him knew he wasn’t, but he was so disorientated and startled by his nightmare that he seriously considered it. He couldn’t go through that again, though. The dream couldn’t have been real. No, he couldn’t be blind. This couldn’t be happening again –

A light flicked on inside the room, making him pause for a second. He blinked, seeing his legs and the rest of his bed stretched out before him, reaching towards the pale blue wall.

He was in his bedroom, not sitting on cold, brown bricks, devoid of any comfort or warmth.

A dream… It was just a dream.

Roy exhaled sharply and took another deep breath, gulping down the air as reality slowly started to trickle back to him. The second exhale left him at a slower pace, but it still rattled passed his lips as he tried to stop terror from constricting his heart painfully. Heat flashed across his brow and chest and that’s when Roy noticed the sweat. He was drenched in it, courtesy of the fear that still lingered inside of him.

“Roy?”

The voice was quiet and thick with sleep as she called to him. At first it was surprised, but then instantly alert. Not that Roy could focus on anything outside of the horrifying images – and also memories – still in his mind’s eye, but if he could, he’d have noticed the mattress shift next to him and dip as she sat up immediately, eyeing him with concern.

She had surely caught onto what had happened. To what had made him react so badly in the middle of the night. Roy knew he must have looked a state, and that was what had probably given him away, but he didn’t care, because she was okay. She hadn’t been hurt. She wasn’t dead. They were both safe in his apartment together, out of harm’s way and far away from any kind of danger.

Roy slumped back against his pillows and draped an arm across his eyes. His chest was still heaving with his breath while he struggled to get it under control and wetness seeped out from beneath his lids, dampening the skin of his forearm and wrist. The tears had followed him from his dream to a conscious state and Roy clamped his eyelids closed tightly, willing them to stop so he could try and get a handle on his emotions.

Shame flushed through him. Not because someone was there to witness his struggle, for he would lay himself bare for her without question. It was because he’d fallen for a trap. It had been a trick by the enemy. Even if it was a dream, it had cost him dearly, and his Lieutenant had paid the price for his failings. It had caused turmoil and upset to follow him to his waking sate, affecting him so deeply that when he awoke, he still couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. The vividness of it had left him completely stricken.

His Lieutenant had almost died on him before, all those years ago, and his mind had decided to make him relive it, out of the blue, exaggerating all that happened and making it so much worse.

Nightmares were like old friends to Roy, but they were still a struggle. They never really got any easier to deal with or experience. Especially when they were as intense as this one had been. Especially when they involved her dying, either in his arms because he was too late, or while he was restrained by the enemy, unable to comfort her, get help for her, or save her.

Those were the worst ones.

A palm was placed gently atop his head. He flinched at the unexpected contact and his body tensed. Then, fingers came to rest upon his scalp gently and a thumb stroked over his forehead, right between his eyebrows. It moved repeatedly in a calming motion, relaxing his tightly wound muscles, and causing his mind to falter and trip at its racing speed once or twice.

Her touch brought him back down to earth.

“Shh,” she soothed him, “it's okay. It was just a dream.”

Her comfort was incredibly welcoming as her hands combed through his damp hair without protest or complaint. He could feel it clinging uncomfortably to his face and the back of his neck, but Riza freed him from it. The wet strands were pushed away from his cheeks and ears, making him sigh quietly as he started to feel some relief. Her voice was heaven-sent in that moment of strife for him. A buoy in raging waves; something to cling on to so he could survive and get his bearings. It was like a light rain falling over embers of pain of sorrow, washing them away like a salve being applied atop the charred ground.

She was his rescuer from the darkest confines of his own mind.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Her question was incredibly quiet, so she didn’t startle him.

Always so incredibly perceptive and considerate of others.

Roy shook his head and let out a shaky breath. If he opened his mouth his voice would break. He wasn’t ready to reveal all. He would happily tell Riza Hawkeye everything, but he couldn’t just yet. Not when he’d failed her. Again. Not when his mind was happily reminding him of that fact.

Shame flushed through him once more like an unforgiving storm surge.

“Take your time,” she announced emphatically. “I’m right here.”

And that’s all Roy ever needed.

He rolled onto his side and wrapped his arms around her waist. Riza had sat up in bed and remained there, watching over him as he tried to calm himself. His face was buried into her stomach as desperate hands clung to the shirt on her back. Riza placed both hands atop his head and stilled, letting him get comfortable before she moved them again. They continued to comb through his hair soothingly, offering a comfort only she could ever give him.

“It was a nightmare,” he mumbled against her. “Promised Day.”

Riza’s hands stilled for a second after his reveal, then continued their ministrations.

“I see.”

Roy nodded against her. They were well aware of how each other had struggled while sleeping in the aftermath of that day.

“It was…” He took a deep breath. “You,” he exhaled, as if that would answer all of her questions at once. And Roy knew it would. “What happened to you that day. And I… I was stuck. I couldn’t do anything –” Roy snapped his mouth shut, remembering seeing the light leave her eyes so clearly inside his nightmare, like a safety beacon that had winked out, leaving only darkness, despair, and horror in its wake.

“It’s okay,” she reassured. Her tone said it all. She sounded pained, knowing exactly how he’d suffered because his poor, broken, explanation had been enough for her to conclude what he’d seen in his dream.

“I was too late,” he whispered. It sounded deafening in the quiet of his bedroom.

Riza was silent as she continued to run her hands through his hair. She didn’t comment, but in some way that was worse. Roy scrunched his eyes up tightly for a few seconds before relaxing, pulling away from her.

He’d failed her again.

He didn’t get to retreat far, though. Riza’s hands followed his movements to the letter, anticipating them perfectly, moving from being buried within his hair to cupping his cheeks. She gently guided his face upwards, so it was finally facing her. Finally looking her in the eye. Fear licked around his stomach, twisting it, suddenly afraid of judgement for his lack of support. It was irrational – Riza Hawkeye would never do such a thing – but he was still shaken and distraught.

What Roy found made his breath catch. Her smile was small and soft. It was so her – nothing too flashy, but reserved and fiercely loving, just like the look in her eyes. It was a smile she saved only for him.

His breath hitched again.

“You weren’t too late, remember?” Her head shook from side to side slowly as she attempted to dispel his anxiety. Her hands dropped and latched onto one of his, guiding it upwards so it now rested over her beating heart.

The feeling was strong beneath his scarred palms, thumping inside of her with such strength – the same attitude she embodied every day in everything she did. Steady, dependable, and courageous.

“Like always, I’m right here. I’m never going anywhere.”

Roy leaned forwards quickly, overcome with impulse, and claimed her lips with his own. A hand buried into her short hair, cupping the back of her neck tenderly as he kissed her with such reverence and adoration.

“Thank you,” he breathed. His hand shifted on her chest to become more comfortable when his fingers bumped into and grazed over something solid and misshapen underneath her shirt.

Roy blinked, then slowly smiled knowingly. Riza returned it, realising what he’d discovered, but she also looked pleased his heartache had been banished and eased for a brief second.

It was the wedding ring he’d given her years ago, attached to her dog tags. The one that was identical to his own.

It was a reminder that they were tied together completely, and always would be. They’d set themselves on a path they could not deviate from, it was absolute, and they must succeed, but they’d do it together. They would remain as one throughout it all.

Their foreheads tipped together, coming to rest quietly against one another and Roy focussed on the sound of her breathing and the feeling of the ring. He tethered himself to them both, slowing his own breaths to match hers.

She was right there by his side, like she always was and had promised she'd be, so long ago. The odds had almost pulled them apart once before but hadn’t succeeded. Roy wouldn’t let his dreams get the better of him either. There were always demons to fight, but Roy was thankful he had her watching over him, and vice versa. There was no one else in the world he’d trust to watch his back. And they’d fight them all together, side by side. Unyielding and relentless.

#royai #royai fic #royai fanfic #royai oneshot #fic request #emma writes #ask #anon

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palmett-hoes · 4 years

Text

this was originally meant to be a response/follow-up to @i-did 's post about race in the aftg fandom (that you should read). i ran it by him first and asked permission to add, but then we decided it was too long so i should make it its own post

---

i want to talk about fandom's take on the twins' race because it's rather glaring in the fandom that andrew (and then aaron by necessity) are often portrayed as the only white characters on the team and i have to question why?

there's nothing in the backstories that would mean writing them as POC would fling them headlong into offensive stereotypes that the fandom hasn't bypassed over to make another fox a POC.

they have a history of addiction? but it's okay for matt and seth to be addicts and be brown.

they're violent? but it's okay for renee to be non-white and a former gang member.

they're blond and 'pale'¹? but allison can be a WOC and bleach her hair without saying it explicitly? renee can have white rainbow hair no matter the AU? neil can be a blue-eyed redhead and still be drawn darker skinned half the time?

'pale' in and of itself is a very vague word that's only brought up in the context of comparison to notably dark skinned nicky. it's completely relative, and multi-racial families where people look wildly different from each other exist (pretty commonly). or if you're prescriptivist how about the multiple ways a POC can still be a natural blond including but not limited to pigmentation conditions or being mixed race? similarly, i think less than a quarter of the FCs i've seen for andrew over the years have been natural blonds themselves.

so if our holdups aren't about racial stereotyping and they aren't about the incredibly vague character descriptions, then why are the twins always white when it's approached as a good thing that no one else is? when i've seen multiple different posts lauding the fandom for adding diversity where nora didn't write it, except for here?

to be completely, bluntly honest, it's because we as a majority-white fandom are uncomfortable when we are not the central characters. or maybe we are uncomfortable when people of color ARE the central characters. i don't think there's much of a difference.

we are comfortable writing and drawing nicky, the upperclassmen, then kevin (in that order) as poc because, simply, we use them as background characters. they are rarely the main characters of fics, or have their own storylines in them; it all revolves around andreil.

additionally, while i've used neil up to now as an example of the fandom being OKAY with writing POC, let's also admit that it's an,, imperfect representation, as he will often be racially ambiguous with no explicit ethnicity, he will be the lightest skinned of the foxes of color, and he will still have eurocentric features. also it's genuinely a toss up as to whether he's drawn brown or not, there are still plenty of white neils, much more than there are white dans and matts and renees (not an attack on anyone who draws white neils, simply a statement) and FCs and edits of him still tend to be white people.

he's a bit of a schrödinger's person of color, not really any one thing or another, very few people being willing to take a hard stance on him and do the work of taking that decision under consideration when writing and drawing him.

(quick shout-out here to @hi-raethia for making content about an explicitly chinese interpretation of neil).

(additionally, to be as clear about my intended message as possible, this isn't a statement on the politics of passing or undermining the ethnicities of lightskinned poc, this is about a lack of detail being put into making a character a character of color in any thoughtful, meaningful, or significant way)

so when i talk about the centralization of white people in fandom, neil gets to be included, perhaps with a footnote indicating that this is somewhat of a more complicated statement than it is with lily-white andrew minyard.

nevertheless, i feel comfortable saying that 75% of fandom content revolves around andrew and neil, major exceptions only being jerejean which are often stand-alone from the foxes, and the rising branch of kevaaron shippers. however both of those ships are actually subject to this exact same criticism, as ships between a a flat-out white character and a dubiously "non-white" character who can also be white sometimes. it varies.

conspicuously, content about the UPPERCLASSMEN tends to revolve around andrew and neil.

fics where the upperclassmen are the pov character are often outside-perspective fics on andreil.

HC posts about the upperclassmen, especially matt, will devote major portions to his time spent helping, hanging with, and thinking about andrew and/or neil.

secondary ships like danmatt or renison tend to be just that, secondary ships moving in the background of andreil-focused works. they get more of a,,, scenic shout-out than a storyline

it is only comfortable for us to write these characters as characters of color if they revolve entirely around white characters

so after all that? what should we do, as a white-majority fandom? what should YOU, specifically, as a white person, do?

i hate to talk about a problem without also talking about solutions, and i try not to carp on something i don't want to be an active part of fixing. public criticism without an action plan only leads to hurt feelings and guilt, and that's never my intention when bringing this up. my goal is to address a general problem, not anyone specific's personal failings.

in all honesty leaning completely into all of the foxes being people of color, though i think neat and i certainly support, is not the best solution, and would be more of a hollow action than anything else without addressing the underlying problems that lead to the development of this dynamic.

i think the best thing to do would be to 1. do some research on writing poc, usually by following some writing-specific blogs like @writingwithcolor or @pocinmymedia . look up the 'black best friend' trope and really spend some time tjinking about it. spend an hour seeking out a random assortment of blogs that interest you that are also run by people of color. checking through tags like drawingwhileblack or blacktober may be good kickoff points.

tumblr is great because with an hour of active work to find these blogs, you can then go months passively seeing content from them. try not to interact, actually, simply watch and listen and become familiar with general trends and concerns in different communities. remember that every blog is run by an individual person, not an elected representative of their race, and always keep this in mind.

you are teaching YOURSELF that people of color are individuals, they have interests and inner lives that don't revolve around whiteness, that don't revolve around YOU

at the same time, 2. challenge yourself as a creator to make more content about the upperclassmen, specifically. make art about them doing stuff as a group separate from neil and andrew's group. find a compilation of 'draw the squad' memes and draw/tag the upperclassmen only. make jokes where they talk to each other. write some meta about their character motivations. write a fic where andreil isn't even mentioned, it can be super short, you can even use a prompt generator.

as a reader, reread their backstories in the extra content. reread son nefes. use ao3's filtering system to read some fics about JUST the upperclassmen, few and far apart though they may be.

if we've decided that the upperclassmen are people of color then lean into that, and learn to CARE about them on their own merit, because they are the most underutilized characters in the fandom. we need to make content centralized around them to combat the fact that fandom centralizes whiteness

#txt #fandom #the foxes #dan wilds #matt boyd #renee walker #seth gordon #allison reynolds #my posts

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ohnobjyx · 4 years

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Would it be that impossible for dd and gg to come out as a couple (provided they respected censorship and didn't talk about it with the media)? I read the other day that homosexuality is not illegal in China, just talking about it and showing in the media, so could not someone as brave and crazy as dd attempt to come out outside of the media? after all they are the first 3 shipped real couples in china, they do have support. Coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..

Hi, anon! (*this blogger cracks her neck and gets ready*) Let’s get into it!

Disclaimer: fake fake fake. Why would you think that we believe in bjyx?

Preface: this post might not be exactly a controversial opinion, since I think many will have the same one. However, it’s alright to disagree: we all have our own perception of the matter, which is coloured by our own experiences (let’s just say that an absolute objective view is difficult). I present here with the most objective post (at least in terms of data and facts) I could write.

Oh, and you all might have noticed, but being concise is not my forte. I tend to digress.

First of all, I assume that the concept of “coming out outside of the media” means that they could have told just close friends and family, without announcing it to the media.

But how would we know that they have done it? (and I don’t mean we should know for sure, ofc). For all we know, they may have already done this, and, from my pov, they probably have. Without entering in “fake” rumours:

TTXS bros know something (repeating myself for the nth time). From the way DZW jumps in whenever it remotely looks like dd is slipping up, how WH poses his questions, how QF teases him. It all seems references to a real, tangible thing, instead of baseless friendly teasing. It’s also very interesting that they have stopped their matchmaking mission and have instead started to defend why dd is “single”.

Their parents are their cover. Even if dd parents didn’t watch TTXS, wouldn’t someone else watch it and ask them about it? Wouldn’t they wonder about the supposed clothes that dd sends home, the medicine, the market stroll? Maybe I’m just projecting, but I wouldn’t use my parents as a shield if they weren’t aware of the situation behind it, because I’d be subjected to their questioning later. That’s why, unless I wanted to tell them or I had already told them, I wouldn’t use my parents as an excuse. So, once is alright, but dd has done it several times, and that, for me, means that his parents know.

That’s what I would consider “coming outside the media”. Of course, this doesn’t involve us fans, and it’s their decision, of which we probably will never hear about (or, at least, not soon, and that’s fine!).

In my opinion, it’s also the best course of action, especially with all the rumours that are always circulating about them. It wouldn’t be a “brave and crazy” course of action, but rather the most sensible and rational, since it’s the best way to avoid misunderstandings with your friends and family. It’s also considerate for his friends at work, just so they know what to expect when they are on stage and it allows them to understand dd’s reactions.

(Again, we are talking about dd because that’s who anon asked about. I think gg’s circle is less close to him, so it may not be the case with him, but I don’t know enough to say what would happen).

Just let’s suppose his TTXS bros didn’t know anything and just kept trying to act as matchmakers for dd. That’s the kind of situation that’s bound to be uncomfortable for everyone because dd isn’t the kind of person who’d lie (and he doesn’t fast enough to improptu questions).

The second thing I wanted to talk about is their fans’ support. I want to talk about numbers.

I’m going to explain why I only take the c-fans data as reference. We int fans don’t really count, because we don’t affect their careers directly, as c-fans do. Of course, our support is very useful in showing how many people are rooting for them, like what happened when Roseonly’s livestream with gg was live. And I like to think that they would feel better knowing that there are a lot of people in Chn and overseas that support them and whatever there is between them.

So int-fans do contribute to give more views and likes to their Roseonly livestream (if they can access it, which isn’t always the case), but they won’t buy the roses and impact with real money, so to say.

We don’t really participate in their endorsements, many won’t stay long enough to watch more dramas from them (and I do understand that the lack of eng subs is the main problem), and many don’t/can’t/don’t know how to push them up in the charts. We’ve talked before about how the c-ent industry doesn’t really need the int audience to make a lot of money, and to be highly profitable, and it still applies in a smaller case, like a single idol.

That’s why I think that in matters of real, tangible fan support, c-fans still make a bigger percentage (around 80-90%) of their support.

So, as of now, there are 3 supertopics in w/ibo that features gg/dd (let’s leave the difference in supertopics for another day, but I don’t support the discussion about people’s sex life, thanks for your understanding):

BJYX. The largest supertopic (top 1) with a wide margin from the others. It has 2.570.000 fans.

ZSWW. It’s the number 5 in the CP supertopics, with 910.000 fans.

LXFY. The number 23 in the CP supertopics with 590.000 fans.

All of them added make 4.070.000 fans. But we have to take into account the overlapping in these three supertopics: many people (like me) are following the three supertopics at the same time. That’s why, in a not scientific way, I’m guessing that those 4.070.000 come to around 4.000.000 once you take out the people that are following the three at the same time.

Even 4 million people is still a huge number of people: that’s more people than the population of the capital of my country, and one tenth of the total census here.

Yet, in China, it means 4 out of every 1400, which translates into 0′003%. It’s also from a very specific demographic (mainly female and young). Of course, it doesn’t mean that they won’t get support from other people if it ever got out, but they can’t know what would happen then for sure.

It means that, in actual 3D world, there are a lot of people who don’t know about their CP. I read the other day some tumblr blogger saying that “we bxg are in our own little bubble, not that many people know about their cp” (was that you, @jcisthebestfightme?) which I agree a lot with. I mean, my w/ibo account and tumblr is filled with bjyx/yizhan, so much that it’s easy to forget that I arranged it to be like this, but that the majority of the people don’t receive so much info about them, nor they analyze their every move like we do.

The only thing they can know for sure is what general population thinks about same sex relationships.

In a recent poll I saw, with thousands of answers about what netizens thought of the legalization of same sex marriage in Taiwan, the supporting votes didn’t get to 50%. In Taiwan, public opinion was like this around the time same sex marriage was legalized:

An opinion poll conducted in November 2016 by the Kuomintang found that 52% of the Taiwanese population supported same-sex marriage, while 43% were opposed. Another poll commissioned that same month found similar numbers: 55% in support, and 45% in opposition. Support was higher among 20–29-year-olds (80%), but decreased significantly with age. (Wikipedia)

(I just want to say, I can’t wait for the younger generations to take over).

More data: the public stance in China could be described as: “no approval, no disapproval, no promotion”, and the public opinion is becoming more and more tolerant, but there’s still a deep-set homophobia, as in only 5% of the lgbt people comes out completely (around 20% comes out to their family), and around 80% of gay men are married to women due to social and family pressure (ofc, these data is from a few years ago, and new polls and surveys are needed, but don’t expect them to carry out a wide-range survey about this nor I think the situation has changed drastically).

In my opinion, society is slowly taking more steps towards tolerance first and acceptance second. One of their best achievement was the lgbt community and many netizens’ refusal to allow w/ibo to instate a ban on content related to homosexuality, which led to w/ibo actually reversing its decision and stop banning that content in less than 3 days.

However, the fact that a lot of people express their support doesn’t take away the truth of a lot of people openly opposing it (let’s remember that there weren’t so many antis to start with in 2/27, but its effects were undeniably large and unjust).

(If any of you read more data about lgbt rights in China, please remember that Hong Kong receives a lot more Western influence, and that public opinion in HK does not represent the actual situation in mainland Chn. Ofc, because they’re more open to lgbt, there are also more data and polls carried out in HK, so a lot of info is HK based).

Leaving this kind of data aside, let’s take another matter of numbers. While they have in total 4 million fans in the supertopics, dd has as of now 35,400,000 fans following him on w/ibo and gg has 26,690,000 fans.

One thing I’m sure they are aware of is the discussion that arises from time to time between the solo fans and the bxg. Another thing they must be aware of, specially dd, is that their fanbase has a lot of females who are their fans, not just because of their talent, but also because they’re single and therefore they can fantasize about being with them.

All in all, even though a lot of people support them, there would be also quite a number of “disappointed” people, with the danger of them becoming antis.

So while I do think they appreciate it, and leave clues specifically for us, and dd goes as far as interacting with bxg, I also feel that gg and dd might not see widespread support, enough so they’d feel comfortable coming out completely with the current public stance on homosexual relationships in Chn.

(And again, from my pov, they aren’t in the closet with their family and friends).

And last, but not least, does “coming out respecting the censorship and not talking about it with the media” mean that it would be known by the general public, or, at least, their fans (in a very hypothetic case, since I don’t know how this could be achieved)? Because then, even if they didn’t talk about it with the media, it would be as good as coming out publicly.

In an idol’s life there’s no “private” and “public”. There’s only “public” and “secret” (and by secret I mean things they “hide” in public/don’t talk about, even though people next to them might know about it). The line between public and private is very very blurred in the c-ent industry.

I always remember the case of an actor who had an affair. Because of his affair (he was married and had a son), he lost endorsements, he was taken out of tv programs and literally erased from filmed episodes. The things he did in private affected very directly his job (I don’t approve of the affair, but the consequences it had surprised me a lot).

So, while I do think that gg and dd are getting bolder with time, when they were both very startled by the “you’d lose your job if you were in a relationship” phrase, the fear was real and palpable. However, I’m aware that that was their stance a year ago, and that a lot of things have changed (heck, we’ve gone through a pandemic, something I couldn’t have imagined a year ago), so I’m going to observe how they act from now.

That’s why, “coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..” is true, but it’s also true that it would push them into a storm I’m not sure they’d come out completely unscathed. And it may be selfish, but I don’t want them to be the ones who test the public’s tolerance to gay idols.

I think I’m missing my point, so I’ll spell it out: if they want to come out, I’ll support them with everything I have, as I think many fans will do. If they ever prove us wrong dating another person, be it male or female, I’ll support them as a fan too. But I would like any action they take to be decided by them, instead of pressed by fans who just want a confirmation at any cost.

I’ve seen people saying that if they were really together, they should be “honest” with themselves and the audience and come out publicly. In my opinion, it’s easy to judge when you’re not the one who might lose something if you take a step in the wrong direction, and it’s not your income and your job in the line.

I’m sure (reminding you all that I believe that bjyxszd) that they’d come out completely if possible. I’m also sure that they have consulted with managers and public relations experts (and their team would have talked with them about it even if gg and dd didn’t bring it up). Therefore, I strongly believe they are doing what they think is better at the time being.

To sum up: I’ll support whatever they do, but I don’t want others to push them to do things they don’t want/aren’t prepared to do. They are already between a rock and a hard place, so whatever they do with their relationship is absolutely their call.

So, anon, I hope I have answered you, but I leave here a short summary for you in the case the info was too scattered for you:

They might have come out to friends and family, and, based on dd’s interactions with the people around him and the words he has said, I do believe he has. Because gg is also an honest, sensible person, I think he might have done the same.

after all they are the first 3 shipped real couples in china, they do have support

Chn is a big country. That means that in terms of public support, sometimes numbers that would be astronomically high in other countries, is not so much in Chn. Translating numbers into percentage, a 1% means 14 million people.

So it’s true that they have a lot of people supporting them, of course. 2 million people is a lot of people, especially considering that many don’t know about them. But when you have to take into account the general public (because it’d be a scandal), since their fans aren’t the only ones interacting with them, it’s still a low number.

Coming out willingly would also save them from being eventually outed..

That’s true in the case of family and friends. But if you’re talking about being outed in the media, that’s not possible. Known by the fans = Public.

And remember that in this case, the media wouldn’t talk about them, since talking about homosexuality in the media is prohibited. The problem would come from within the industry and the antis.

#yizhan #bjyx #ask #my post #coming out

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writingfandomfeels · 3 years

Text

Santa Fe Part 4

Dreams Turned to Desert Dust

Part 4 of the Santa Fe Series Summary: You move back in with your parents in Santa Fe for support during the remainder of your pregnancy; But unbeknownst to Jack, small town life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Lots and lots of angst.

The sky had began to glow a light orange as the sun slowly made its descent to the horizon. Jack was staring in awe out of the dirty train car window as you grew closer and closer to Santa Fe. Lifting your head off his shoulder, you rubbed your eyes. The rhythmic beat of the train tracks had lulled you to sleep for a good portion of the journey. Luckily you were nearly there, already getting glimpses of the city. Once he realized you were awake, Jack could hardly keep quiet, his excitement pelting you in forms of questions about what it’s like and his expectations based off his dreams. When the train came to a stop he nearly ran out, leaving you behind with the luggage.

“Jack! A little help?” You called after him and he immediately came running back.

“Sorry, sorry!” He apologized, grabbing the bags and unable to quit grinning.

You smiled, shaking your head at the boy.

Outside the station your parents met you with the family carriage. It wasn’t fancy like the ones you’d seen in the city and it had been in the family for… you weren’t actually sure how long. But it got you from point A to point B and that’s all that mattered.

Your parents approached the two of you.

“Mom, Dad, this is my husband and your new son in law, Jack.” You introduced.

Stiffly, Jack stood with his shoulders back, sticking his hand out to shake your father’s in a manner clearly influenced by his nerves and desire to make a good impression on the man.

“Welcome home son,” your father shook his hand before pulling him into a hug, “welcome home to Santa Fe.”

Jack could hardly believe it. When he pulled away from the embrace he met the man’s smile with a shaky smile of his own, his emotions unable to keep up. It was just like he’d always dreamed it would be. A family. Sure it may be through marriage, but he had a family. And of course not to dismiss the newsies, they had been family to him too, but these were real live parents. Parents he could have a relationship with and make proud. That is… if he stopped making things weird by emotionally smiling at the man.

Jack cleared his throat and got himself together. “Uhh, good to meet you sir.” He didn’t know yet what to call the couple so decided a respectful ‘sir’ was probably the safest bet.

The carriage ride to your parents’ farm was far from quiet. Your mother was busy pestering you with pregnancy related questions and advice while Jack was getting along with your father. He was asking him all kinds of questions about what it’s like to run a farm and your father was happy to answer them.

After dinner, your father had made a fire outside which you and a few of the neighbors all gathered around, roasting marshmallows.

“So Y/N, how far along are you?” One neighbor asked, a wife and mother of a rather large family. They didn’t even need hired farm hands with all of their children.

“Seven months.” You answered.

“Oh, isn’t that darling. Why I just loved being pregnant with all of my children. It’s the most magical time in a woman’s life you know! Well, aside from childbirth that is.” She continued.

“Yeeuuuhp,” the wife from the farm on the other side of your family’s began to pipe up now, “then once you’ve had em’ and you hear the crying, you’ll wish they’d crawl back up into your womb.” She snickered.

“Gladys!” The other neighbor scolded as the husbands chuckled. She huffed out her frustration in a quick breath before gaining her composure again. “Nevertheless, the miracle of childbirth that grants us the duties of motherhood is the most sacred blessing our Lord has provided for us women. There is no higher call than to be a mother, and Y/N dear, I am so thrilled you have been gifted that blessing.” She smiled at you while gripping your hand tightly.

You gave her a tight lipped smile in return and slowly slid your hand away. “Umm, thank you…” you shifted uncomfortably in your seat. The glamorous image of you onstage with your own show as a successful singer slowly burned away in your memory like a photograph thrown in the fire in front of you.

Your mother began telling a story (though you understood it as more of a parenting lesson you had no intention of following) about you as a baby, which Jack was especially interested in. He poked at your arm during the particularly embarrassing parts to tease you but your mind was still elsewhere.

Later that week you were shopping in town for a bit as your mother needed a few more ingredients for dinner. Jack was familiarizing himself with the town and being the outgoing person he is, introducing himself to everyone. And I do mean everyone. The boy was so over the moon he hadn’t noticed for a moment the hushed whispers and gossip behind his back.

You stood outside a store front, picking up different fruits to test their ripeness. Around the corner of the store, out of view, you overheard one of your neighbors. The one with the glorious speech on motherhood.

“Did you see Y/N and her… husband?” The way she said the word was with such disdain you would have thought it meant something entirely different.

“No, not yet. Though I hear he’s been off galivanting through town like some delusional mad man.” Another woman’s voice responded. You couldn’t quite place her voice but odds were you likely knew them from somewhere.

“I’ve already met him.” The neighbor bragged.

“You did?”

“Mmhm. Oh it’s just so awful. He’s an artist for Pete’s sake! Our clever Y/N with an artist! Can you believe it?” She scoffed. “Oh out of all the girls in town I tell you, she’s the one I had pegged for greatness. I have never been so disappointed in her. Marrying a doctor or a teacher or, heck, even a successful store owner. Anything but an artist!”

“Is he any good?” The other woman asked.

“Pffft! How would I know? Probably only does lewd drawings. He is from New York you know. Oh and boy does he sound like it. You can just hear the lack of intelligence in his voice.”

“I had a cousin who went up to New York once.” The other woman made a dramatic pause. “Terrible. Said there were bums on every corner and the streets were so filthy you couldn’t wash them with holy water. I hear none of them know a thing of respect either.”

“I believe that. You think for even a second that Y/N would have married this stranger had she not been knocked up? No, she’d never deprive her family of a beautiful ceremony. A proper ceremony.”

“Well at least the child won’t be a bastard.”

“Oh sure, thank heavens for that! Let’s not forget the poor thing will still have those horrid genes. You can’t make money from manure that’s for certain.” The neighbor concluded.

“Hey doll, you picking out the fruit for the pie?” Jack said, suddenly coming up from behind and wrapping his arms around you.

“Uhh, yeah.” You quickly grabbed what you needed and took his hand, pulling him away before he could overhear the women too. Yet another thing you missed about New York, no small town gossip.

***

The two of you continued to settle in to your new lives. Your mother had you knitting baby clothing while your father taught Jack the ways of the farm. Never before had anyone seen a man so eager to learn to plant crops or split rails. But while Jack was living his dream, you felt yourself slipping into a nightmare.

Waking up one night from the baby kicking, you overheard your parents arguing in the other room.

“She’s back now. Isn’t that all that matters?!” Your father argued.

“I just wanted to see my little girl get married!” You heard your mother sobbing. “She left us! And now I don’t know how to connect with her anymore! She was gone so long and I just, I feel like I missed out on so much of her life already!”

“I know, I know… I do too. But you’ll learn to connect again. She’s so young. She’s going to need your guidance to be a mother.” He replied with a slightly softer tone now.

A frustrated scoff echoed from your mother. “She shouldn’t have to at this age.”

“What do you want from me, huh?!” Your father returned to yelling. “You want me to drive him out of town?! Force him to abandon Y/N?! Is that what you want?!”

“Of course not!” She returned to crying again.

“Look, I don’t like the situation any more than you do but try to remember that it’s what brought her back to us. He’s a hard worker and a good man. She could do a lot worse.” He stated in a firm voice.

The house grew quiet, just the faint sounds of your mother still crying, the wind howling against the house, and the creak of the floorboards as your father left the room they’d been arguing in.

You scooted closer in bed to Jack who was completely knocked out and missed every word of the fight.

***

Jack’s POV

Jack surveyed the wide landscape of fields from atop the horse that was slowly becoming his, based on the amount of time he spent with him. He let out a happy sigh as he took it all in. The farm. The fields. The trees. The adorable little town. His amazing new family. Yeah, this was the life. Everything was going perfect for him now.

Another person on a horse quickly came galloping over to him. Jack soon recognized it as his father in law. He looked distressed.

“Jack, you’ve got to come quickly! The baby is coming!” He informed.

“That’s great!” Jack replied, confused by the man’s demeanor.

Hesitant, he wasn’t sure how to continue. “No, Jack… there… there’s something wrong…”

#jack kelly x reader #my writing

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kneamet · 3 years

Note

Tom Hiddleston is dating a younger(with a 10-12 year age difference) actress and he finds out that she cheated on him with an actor nearer her age. He locked her in his house. She will never go to outside. She belongs to him.

Trigger Warning: obsession, yandere, angst

Word Count: 1584

Character: Tom Hiddleston/reader

Summary: You and Thomas have been in a relationship for a long time, but he only now finds out about the cheated.

POV Your

Saturday. Day off. You stretched out on the soft wool sofa that was covered with a small blanket and stretched out on it like a cat that was tired of its worries.

But since today is a day off, not a working day, you can relax and enjoy a cozy morning and watch Netflix. Yes, that's what you needed right now. TV shows and food. The two most compatible concepts.

"Thomas!" you shouted across the room, wanting your fiance to bring you something to eat. I didn't really want to get up.

But why doesn't he answer? You exhaled sharply.

Thomas Hiddleston, or simply Tom, was your fiance. He was probably the best, most charming, and most awkward person he could be. You weren't intimidated or particularly bothered by your huge age difference. Being twelve years older than you, it didn't seem like something that bothered him or you.

After all, for love, all ages are submissive, aren't they? All people can love each other, regardless of age.

And although many people, even Thomas ' parents, have decried your relationship, saying that you are too young for him, and he is too old for you, that when you are forty, he will be fifty-two, and all that. And you were really angry about it.

What's their business? What does it matter to people who their favorite actor has a relationship with? And why do they wish death to all those who do not suit them?

After the announcement of your engagement to Tom, you often began to receive messages or letters from Thomas ' fans or from your wishes for death and that you will soon be separated. That he'll break your heart, you'll break his heart.

But no, it was all nonsense. You loved him, he loved you. Well, at least for a while, until you met Scott.

***

"Stupid script! It's the fifth time I've read the same line and I can't learn it! Damn it! " you swore on the set, being in a very crappy mood already. And how can you be in a good mood when you and Thomas had a little fight and he, without telling you anything, flew to America to continue shooting the series "Loki"? That's right, nothing.

You growled angrily, trying to make small but struggling tears. I didn't want to cry because something wasn't learning. At the moment, you just wanted to rest, but you knew you didn't need to take a break.

"Hey, are you okay?" a shy and very soft voice asked from behind you. The owner of the voice seemed very shy to you.

You let out a loud sigh, trying not to show the man your anger. Maybe he was just a fan of yours and nothing more. Turning to him with your whole body, you realized that you shouldn't have thought of him like that before.

There was a very handsome man standing right in front of you. His hair was black, and his eyes were as deep as they could possibly be. There was a feeling that there were no pupils in them, and they were just black. He licked his lips, which must have been soft, and spoke with them again. I wanted to kiss him...

So stop! You already have Tom! And he's much better than some unknown man. However, he was still attractive. Perhaps even stronger than your fiance.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he made sure softly, lowering his eyes and biting his lower lip with his teeth. However, suddenly something revived him, so he just held out his hand to you, adding: "I'm Scott, nice to meet you."

You just smiled at his awkwardness.

"Y/N."

***

Scott was the man who helped you out when you had a fight with Tom. Not the fact that he just sensibly ignored you without even calling, unlike your now-loved one.

Your then-friend helped you. He gave you candy, flowers, helped you out, and you watched TV shows together, lying on the couch and choking on a large abundance of Coca-Cola and chips. It was an unforgettable night.

You will remember that night for a long time, because after Thomas came back to you, trying to act as if nothing had happened and not even trying to settle the past conflict, he never allowed you to throw parties.

Yes, it is the parties. Pajama parties, if you please. Tom has always been quite strict in this regard, not allowing you to sometimes even do simple things, such as pay for the apartment. Although this apartment was yours.

But with Scott, it was the opposite. He often allowed you to do whatever you wanted, and even though he was worried about your well-being, unlike Thomas, he took part in your adventures himself.

Your brow furrowed. It's been a couple of minutes, and Tom still doesn't respond. Okay, I guess I'll have to get up and get my food in the living room. There's no other choice, though I wonder why Tom doesn't answer you. Really just ignores or teaches the script.

With a sigh and a roll to the vertical, you got up from the soft sofa, which you so did not want to leave, and pressed the stop button, walked to the kitchen.

In fact, a lot has changed since Thomas came into your life. And especially this constant monitoring, which never stopped and was very annoying to you. Not that it's overt, but you've always noticed that Tom wants to be in charge of your relationship.

Which you naturally didn't like.

Maybe it was some kind of protest when you got back together with Scott?

Yes, then it is quite possible to attribute it to this. Otherwise, there could be no other way out. Who can't get tired of constant monitoring, and the fact that all your conflicts are forgotten?

Whistling a tune from the TV series, you calmly and relaxed gait, slightly swaying your hips in different directions, went to the kitchen.

You raised an eyebrow. What's happening? Right in front of you, in a very cheeky uniform, with a bottle of beer, sat Thomas at the table. His hair was disheveled, and the blue eyes you once loved so much were looking down at the phone, where the news line was open.

You frowned. What's it? You stepped on the border that separated the corridor from the kitchen, being at a loss, approached Thomas, who seemed to be far from reality. Leaning over the man, you clung to him, reading the headline of the page with your eyes.

"It seems that the novel, which was predicted by a happy relationship, is over: Y/N meets Scott Evans."

I think your sweet water sandwiches and chips are off.

***

POV Tom

He couldn't believe it. It was unreal. No, she couldn't do that to him. Could not. I just couldn't. After all, they loved each other with a pure love, in which there were no problems and no doubts. They trusted each other and everything in their relationship was fine.

But to see it... To see that you — his favorite star, his sweet angel, his favorite-had cheated on him with some loser was simply unbearable. He thought you were serious.

And to see such headlines, in which you kiss near a small cafe-it was just disgusting. Why, why, why?

And at the moment, he didn't care that his beloved was calling him. Apparently she wants him to bring her something to eat. Thomas clenched his hand into a tight fist, fighting back tears.

He didn't like to show signs of weakness, but there was no way out now. It was such a disappointment that it was impossible.

Firmly and very obsessively clutching at the red hair, pulling it down hard. His peripheral vision saw his beloved walking slowly towards him. I wonder, what are you trying to achieve? Do you want to finish him off completely?

"What is it, darling?" Tom asked in a very painful tone, feeling his heart beat painfully in his head without stopping the rapid rhythm.

"Thomas, I can really explain everything..." he heard your voice. Your voice is so hesitant, but a little cheeky. He used to always like that about you. Even in the most difficult moments, answer very cheekily, while maintaining all their honor. However, what kind of honor can we talk about at the moment?

A man with the speed of an eagle, raised his drooping head to you, his beloved, and clenched his teeth together, exposing them.

"Explain? Jumping up from the table's uncomfortable and cruel chair, I shouted in response to your calm speech.

He knew he wouldn't be able to restrain himself properly right now. However, I wanted to lie about my anger on someone.

"Are you sure, my darling? Are you sure? But I'm not!"the man wrapped his arms tightly around your frail shoulders, squeezing you out. There might even be some redness left, but he didn't care. In extreme cases, he will apologize later, or maybe not ask for forgiveness at all. "You're mine! You belong to me!" his eye was twitching, but he didn't stop screaming.

"Thomas, honey, I can really explain everything. But come on, maybe a little later. Now I'll go somewhere and leave you alone until you calm down and... " The man didn't let you finish, interrupting and feeling his eye twitch.

"You're not going anywhere! And I am absolutely calm, dear!"

"Tom..."

"I said you'd stay home!"

#tom hiddleston x reader #tom hiddleston x you #tom hiddleston smut #tom hiddleston gif #tom hiddleston #yandere tom hiddleston #loki x reader #loki x you #dark loki #loki #yandere loki #obsessive tom hiddleston #obsession

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diavolodigitale · 3 years

Text

L’appel Du Vide: 00 Despicable Him

It took me a whole goddamn year to finally win the fight I fought against myself and start posting this story. I have 7 complete chapters written already but now cannot seem to find the strength to continue, so I was hoping releasing it into the world would give me a nice boost. Anyway, my friends enjoyed the story so if in reality it turns out to be bad, it’s obviously their fault, not mine ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Rhys is the CEO of Atlas and Jack's AI is back, surprise, surprise! Now Rhys is dismayed, Jack doesn't care much, and the events of Borderlands 3 are just beginning to unravel. Is there any way to fix the plot of this game? Would it be any better if Rhys had to cooperate with Jack this whole time? Well, this is your chance to find out!

Spoiler: yes, dammit, it would. Everything's better with a bit of Handsome Jack in it.

Genres: Fix-It, Developing Relationship, Alternate Canon, POV Third Person, Humor, Drama, Plot-driven (kind of? well, it has plot)

Pairing: Handsome Jack’s AI/Rhys (this is only the 1st chapter so don’t expect much yet)

Characters: Handsome Jack’s AI, Rhys

Rating: M for Mature but not in this chapter lol

Size: around 2500 words (chapter 1/11)

Rhys’s office was great. He liked to sit in his big executive’s chair and dreamily look outside instead of doing the paper work. The view was also great. Well, kind of.

What did not seem so great, however, was the war he had been recently dragged into by the Maliwan corporation. He didn’t like being involuntarily involved into global affairs, especially those that had something to do with fusions or takeovers. The situation his company was in was bothering him at the moment, so he took a deep thoughtful breath and continued staring into the window.

“Hey, kiddo,” said the voice of somebody who definitely could not be in Rhys’s office neither at this given moment nor at any other time. Rhys was almost sure in his sanity so he proceeded to ignore the not-uttered words, although he, for some unknown reason, became visibly shaken.

“He-e-ey,” said the voice with those familiar little notes of annoyance that would let the hearer know that the person speaking clearly didn’t like being ignored.

A half-transparent blue hand waved in front of Rhys’s face, and he totally lost it.

Still somehow managing to remain seated in his chair, Rhys jerked back and rolled right through the blue figure formerly standing behind him.

“Wha…” muttered Rhys, barely able to speak at all, “Jack? What are you… I mean, how… I mean, is that really you?”

“Calm down, Rhysie,” said Jack with the same smug expression on his face – perhaps, the only thing that was unchangeable apart from his self-confidence, principles, self-esteem, disrespect for the others, sly nature, and, well, many, many other things really. “I get it, you’re happy to see me, but gosh, have some self-respect!”

Rhys was still confused, so after a few seconds of silence Jack felt the need to add, “Of course, it’s me”.

“But I thought you’re…”

“Dead? Gone? Dead and gone?” Jack clicked his tongue three times. “I thought, you knew me better, Rhysie. I thought, you’d welcome me with your arms wide open. Are you not happy to see me?”

“I am,” Rhys started nodding zealously and clenched his fists tight, hoping that Jack wouldn’t notice he was shaken. “But I don’t understand. What happened…”

“What happened was a mistake. I was gone for a while, but now I’m here to stay.” Jack leaned towards Rhys’s face and smiled. It was in no way an amiable smile. His glowing eyes reminded those of a vulture watching his prey. He already started to smell fear in the air.

“And where exactly is here?” asked Rhys with the last glimmer of hope fading from his voice. More than anything now he wished for the story not to repeat itself, but it was not like he had a choice or something.

Jack only tapped on Rhys’s temple with his index finger and leaned back. Rhys didn’t feel the touch but the gesture itself made him uncomfortable. He knew what it meant, unfortunately.

Jack jumped onto the table of the CEO of Atlas and crossed his legs and arms, waiting.

Rhys swallowed loudly. This was not great at all. He was sure his head was clear from this phantom and there was nothing to worry about. He was sure he would never again be convinced to go against his nature and pursue the world domination. Or any kind of domination. He was sure, but whenever it came to Jack, he was a defeatist.

“This can’t be true. I don’t believe you came back. I must’ve hit my head or I’m just seeing things…” Rhys’s voice quavered in disbelief when he spoke.

“Now-now, honey, no need to worry so much. You know I don’t like it when you wince, it makes you look older. Seeing me here must make you feel sorry for what you’ve done, but you should know that I don’t hold any grudge. Actually, I’m kida proud of you, you know. It only proves I was right all along,” said Jack roguishly. His manner of speech made his words sound benign, as if he was forgiving sins during the confession. Rhys was still not buying it.

“I did what I had to, what you made me do! If anything, it was YOUR fault, YOU betrayed me, so don’t you try making ME responsible for everything! I don’t know what kind of mind game this is, but I know you can’t be here.”

As Jack opened his mouth to yet again say something pricky, Rhys, still sitting in his chair and tightly gripping its arms, yelled at top of his lungs, “Begone! Begone, foul apparition!”.

The apparition sat on the table, sandbagged and with a dropped jaw, for a few moments and then uttered “Wow. Just wow. I’ve always known you’re weird, but this is just… wow. Are you on drugs or something? I’m not judging, you just seem really… deranged? I wanna say deranged, but I’m not sure it’s the right word.”

Rhys snuffled resentfully and looked at Jack with a brooding expression on his face. “You won’t go?” he asked, not really hoping anymore.

“Nope, kiddo. Everything’s gonna be just like the good old times – me as a hero and you as a… as a… I dunno, a less attractive sidekick?” Rhys quietly sighed, holding his head in his hands. “We’re gonna hang out, kill bandits, save the world, and I will always, always be at your side. I’ll make sure of that.”

“I killed you, Jack. I destroyed you. I ripped you out of my body, tore you apart and threw you away from my memory. Nothing’s gonna be the same anymore, you know that.”

“No, Rhys, I was killed by some OTHER goddamn crappy bags of… ugh, I’m not even gonna bother with that. You and me just had a misunderstanding. Often happens between two forceful promising personalities, like between me and the previous Hyperion CEO. Oh, wait, no,”–Jack scratched his head and furrowed his eyebrows–“no, I killed him, that’s a bad example. Anyway, you know what I mean.”

“I smashed my fucking arm to get rid of you! You,”–Rhys pointed his cybernetic finger at Jack–“are the only one who is insane here if you think that’s nothing. We both know what we did, Jack. Whatever you want, I’m not helping you. The last time I tried, you took control of me and tried to end my life.”

Jack’s expression turned from stolid to menacing as fast as gray clouds cover the sun and it starts raining in summer. He wanted to be good, he really believed that he did.

“Why do you always have to be so stubborn?” he hissed at Rhys. “I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t want me to. No matter how much I don’t want to admit it, I’m dependent on you, you little whiny coward, so do me a favor – be a good boy and listen to what daddy has to say. You kept your eye implant, didn’t you? Don’t even try arguing with me, I know you did. It was your decision to leave it be, so it’s you who brought me here. I’m grateful for that and I promise not to be nasty. No taking over bodies and no homicidal tendencies. Well, at least when it comes to you, pumpkin.”

“…Okay,” fumbled Rhys. Even though he didn’t believe this was really the case, he knew disputing with Jack never solved anything anyway. “Although… I didn’t really use the chip afterwards. I don’t know how you’ve found out I had kept it, but I surely wasn’t that stupid so as to put it back into my head after what you had done. I really want to know how you’ve managed to–”

“We all have our secrets, Rhysie. But enough about me, let’s talk about you.” Jack gave Rhys a wink. “How’ve ya been? Must admit, I fell out of the loop and now need an update,” he said petulantly. Now he was idly looking around as if he had lost all interest in what was happening.

Rhys decided to let go of his worries for now. If he couldn’t make Jack talk, his only option was to gain his trust once again and find out how he survived. Or if he did at all. Just be composed, not the worst scenario you’ve ever been in, he said to himself.

“Um, actually, I’m great. This is my office and… We’re doing fantastically if you disregard the fact that we’re at war with Maliwan and currently I am occupied with this new–”

“Yeah-yeah, okay, what was there about a war? I don’t remember Maliwan scum being at least somehow dangerous. How did you even manage to mess this up?”

Rhys stood up from his huge chair, arms akimbo, eyes disdainfully narrowed, and went on with his story, affronted and even a little peevish.

“As I was saying, I’m working on a new plan right now. At this point I’m pretty fed up with Katagawa, this new CEO of Maliwan,”–definitely peevish right now–“Oh, in fact, I just hate him so much!”–now even irate–“The day he murdered all his siblings, he just mobilized his fleet and went straight to my planet! Who in the right mind does that? Could’ve sent a message at least. Anyway,”–Rhys hid his hands into his pockets and sunk back into his chair, having lost all his righteous anger–“he wants our corporations to merge, to fuse, as he says, to become one.” The irritation on Jack’s face was becoming more distinct with every word Rhys said. “He wants me to sign the deal and share my developments with him, can you believe it? That greedy bastard!”

“Proposals like that don’t just come out of nowhere. Seems like he’s been watching you. This Katagawa guy, what does he offer you in return? Money, contacts, tech?”

“Himself, I guess,” said Rhys without any second thought.

“What?” asked Jack contemptuously. He was already close to seeing red. Rhys forgot how it worked with him.

“He said we would become partners, but I think it’s all lies to make it seem pretty. I suspect he will simply take control of Atlas and our new shiny guns, and all my work will be wasted.”

“I see, no one can trick our Rhysie,” said Jack, grinning. “Thank god, at least some good news.”

“That’s right!” said Rhys, perhaps, more enthusiastically than he should have. “No one,” he added more quietly. Except for you, you snake, muttered the inner voice inside his head.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something this whole time. Funny how I really haven’t been here for long, but you know. May I?”

Jack’s incisive manner of speech was absent, so Rhys took his guard down for a moment, getting the feeling that this conversation was like one of those they used to have before – unbraced and at times even innocuous.

“I know what’s on your mind, Jack,” he said, heartfelt and certain.

“You do?” Jack undoubtfully seemed surprised at his interlocutor’s insight.

“Yes. I’ve noticed how you look at me and I know exactly what you want to ask.” Rhys made himself more comfortable in the chair, crossed his legs and sat straight, in a more business-like manner. “This,”–he made a vague hand gesture around the area of his mouth–“is a siege mustache. Shh, let me finish, you can’t say anything I haven’t heard about it before. My troops love it, and as a good commander, I do what I can to boost morale on the battlefield. Of course, I don’t go out there, but they are happy enough when they see my hologram. A-a-and, now you can talk. I guess. If you want to. By the way, I don’t care if you hate it, it’s my face so–”

“You know what? I love it. Love it. Never thought I would say that, but I am saying it right now, so here you are. The second rule of a successful boss – do what the fuck you wanna do with your face. The first one is murder the previous boss, of course.”

“Really?” gingerly asked Rhys, who, in reality, had never heard anything good about his poor moustache.

“Really. But I must upset you, Rhysie. This is not what was bothering me. You see, there’s this other little thing, pretty close in its significance to your moustache.”

“Oh,” uttered Rhys nonchalantly, “what is it?”

“Hyperion. What’s with it? What’s with MY Hyperion, Rhysie?”

At the sound of that very word Rhys hunched in his chair and felt as if he was reducing in size under Jack’s cold gaze.

“After what had happened… the Helios was destroyed and everything collapsed and…”

Rhys sat silent, not able to go on, and this was the last thing he should’ve done. Jack was not in the mood for such a behavior.

“Look me square in my fucking translucent eyes, Rhys, and tell me – what is with my Hyperion?” yelled Jack.

He still sat on the table quite far from Rhys, but it seemed like the room suddenly shrunk and he was right in front of him. Jack was a ghost, a phantom, not able to do anything, not able to inflict any damage or even touch him, but Rhys sensed the danger. No matter in what form, Handsome Jack was still Handsome Jack.

“I don’t know. I guess, somebody took control of it after I left. The weapons are still being manufactured, but I didn’t bother to find out who was the next in line after Helios was… after I destroyed Helios.”

Rhys exhaled loudly and averted his eyes from Jack. Oh, yes, making Jack angry is much easier than making him proud, how could I forget, he thought.

“I see. I didn’t doubt for a second you would do that to infuriate me. Believe it or not, this is the first time I’d rather be disappointed. But you know what? It doesn’t matter now. Now we’re bonding,” Jack sucked the air through his teeth, “now we’re rebuilding what was destroyed like a family we are. Isn’t that great? Look at us, two best buddies exchanging the latest news.”

“And you promised not to be nasty this time...?” Rhys made a feeble attempt to save himself and remind Jack about the terms under which he was allowed to accompany him.

“Yes, Rhysie, and you know damn well I keep my promises.”

And he did. But only when he promised to kill somebody.

#Borderlands #Borderlands 3 #Tales from the Borderlands #Handsome Jack #Handsome Jack's AI #Rhys #rhys strongfork #Handsome Jack x Rhys #fiction #fanfiction #fix-it #alternate canon #drama #humor #romance #L’appel Du Vide story

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ithinkthingsaboutstuff · 4 years

Text

Well I am bored and can’t get back to sleep. So it’s time for a supergirl s5 rant no one asked for.

Now every season has its issues and there were some outside “issues” this season (COVID-19 and Melissa being pregnant) so I will keep that in mind.

That being said.

This season had problems from the word jump. This was for a few reasons.

1- The plot was all over the place

And I don’t mean, ‘oh there was not enough of [blank character] so it was bad.’ No, I mean it was literally jumping between to many elements. Like what was this season about really?

Was it about a new tech environment taking over people’s lives? Was it about an ancient occult power coming out of the shadows to “take” the earth? Was it about adjusting to a post crisis world? Was it about the Luther siblings joining forces to achieve common goal and brainy is a secret inside man?

Now I understand that most tv shows have multiple plot points to follow that’s normal and expected. However, you need to have them meet up in away that is rewarding to the viewer and makes sense for the story that you are trying to tell. And there is an old writing trick called “one step at a time” Basically it boils down to, The audience will only believe one thing at a time.

Eg. You tell the audience this character can only do something in a certain way, (like the sups and the yellow sun,) but then you say that actually never mind this is another way to do it,(like Kara can keep her speed and only her speed under a red sun). This is bad writing as there is no set up or pay off and you cheated your audience by just changing the rules you made for no reason. (Think that kid on the playground that does that “unbeatable force field” thing in a game of tag.)

This can also apply to story concepts this is called a “conflicting narrative” in season 5 this apples to leviathan.

At the start of the season (ep 1 -8) we are told that they are ancient and magical based villains, all good.

and their big plan is to therefor, of course *checks notes* to use advice sci fi tech to achieve their goals and do something? with the people inside, yeah that makes sense what else would they use? Magic? that thing the super family is vulnerable to? Nah.....sarcastic’s aside, if you establish one thing you can’t turn in round with no explanation.

They actually have a good example of this concept working in this season, in ep 10 with Brainy and his changing physical appearance.

It was set up in the ep early on that our brainy was ‘off’ compared to the other Brainy’s, we get an explanation in the bar scene with the Rath siblings and then it is built upon with a Kara and Brainy scene, then after a build up and a reason (a character based one I might add) it is then and only then that it gets revealed and guess what.... that is hands down the best ep of the season.

I literally have re-watched that ep so many times cause it’s that good. It is great self contained episodes and builds on per established character moments and plot points (brainy’s character inconsistency and the crisis plot aftermath) it’s the gold standard of what I’m talking about.

it sets up and pays off what it is trying to do and give character base reason for the story.

But the season as a whole don’t do this effectively because

2- They focus on making the plot the compliment characters, and not the characters complimenting the plot.

the blanket term for this is, this is called “build up and release” this is used to drag out tension effectively. there are 2 ways to do this but basically

1- answer one thing, then that answer leads to another question

2- give partial answers through out a space of time, to keep attention but not make it the only focus of any given moment.

but anyway,

season 5 has this issue where they bring up a point then either don’t carry it through or don’t ‘step it out’ in a way that leads well to the story.

remember what i said about accepting one thing at a time? now let me ask.

If Leviathan is secret why did they reveal themselves now?

I don’t know and guess what, I don’t care, because the show didn’t care either. they never set up why they came out of the shadows or why that even mattered? so why would anyone care outside of “season’s bad guys”.

you know what this season did care about the Luther siblings. there is nothing wrong with that per say, I just don’t see why they needed Leviathan if they didn’t actually want to develop them in anyway. If the post crisis season was just about taking down the Luther’s then fine nothing wrong with that.

but here is why they NEEDED the Leviathan ‘plot’ (and i use that loosely) is that they needed it to justify Lena working with Lex and not have her come off as “too evil” that way she can say

“i’m only working with you because I want to get rid of Leviathan”

instead of

“i’m working with you because i have the same motives as you”

which would not play well in her “redemption” (and i use that term even looser) they kept an aspect to the story purely to complaint a character they wanted a particular outcome, so they kept a plot element around regardless of how well it actually worked with the story.

and then there’s the bitch himself LEX (John did a great job tho tbh)

he is the biggest example of ‘plot fitting character’, Lex didn’t fail ONCE the whole season, no problems or surprises and it was “oh so easy for him” like that is just frustrating for everyone, i’m not saying “the hero’s should win all the time” No, but the villains need to earn their wins to. here is why that is an issue if you make it to easy.

1- the audience wants to see every character have their problems with achieving their goals and how they go about solving the problems as it is and hear me out...entertaining

2- when a character always has things “go to plan” it feels super forced, the Human error, is built into us (the audience) as people, so to see it not come into play at all, at any point, feels fake as we all know life don’t work that way for anyone. especially if there are people actively trying to stop you.

overall you shouldn’t force a plot to fit a character, you should write a character to fit the plot their in (or in other words have them adapted to new situations they don’t even have to do it well)

Ironically a good example of this in s5 was William

they built up that he was a journalist and that he was hiding something, fast froward and it turned out that he was trying to uncover Leviathan (unknowingly to him) and not apart of them.

this is a good way for a character to compliment the plot.

they said here is a new journalist and he doesn’t even know the depths of what he is looking into and that’s a smart move.

i’m just going to leave this clip here...

youtube

this tied in character and plot really well it exampled character and now after this scene they can shift his behaviour and have a reason for it. not just ‘oh actually he was never a jerk and he is nice now’. no it was “he is trying to achieve a goal using this method and now he has been exposed”. This gives a plot based obstacle and character reaction (that failed to work) and it works actually quiet well for a network conspiracy plot.

character completing plot.

and finally

3- Rushed endings

now this one is actually treaty to talk about, cause of well the COVID- 19 problems so i can’t be to judgemental about it cause that is a dick move. And on top of that the lead actress (of an action show) was pageant so they had to use he a little less (in fight scenes anyway) so again I’m not going to be a dick about it, and you know i don’t want anyone being forced to work during a pandemic if its not at all necessary. So, i will keep this brief.

There are still things that fell flat due to being to rushed.

1- the tech/ VR take down.

It was built up for at least 10 eps and they took it down in 5 mins with a pep talk from Kara, like um ok that was easy i guess, don’t know why y’all were worried if you could fix it in an afternoon. this is not a bad plot line in theory, but it was given to much attention for the solution it was given.

2- Leviathan lady (don’t know and don’t care what her name is) being a robot alien thing.

this one is not too bad? but it was shown way to late in the game and again they didn’t focus enough on Leviathan for this to be of any real audience value outside of a surprise/ shock value. So why should i care now? they barely did anything interesting this season but then you give me something cool 2 mins after it doesn’t matter anymore (with the others bottled). why was this not done earlier in the season? but anyway.

3- Lena’s “redemption”

I could write a whole separate rant about this, but for time and my sanity i won’t. but basically, my main issue is that the whole season Lena was spiralling downward and doing worse and worse things to people, and that’s fine from a story pov, but after at least 15 to 17 eps of this and countless bad decisions and judgements she dose ONE good thing and, well that’s all your needed to do, all is forgiven.

now i am all for redemption arcs but one of the main words there is ARC!!!

there needs to be a reflection, apologies, rejections and making mistakes and then truly changing for the better, and still making mistakes!!

it was disgustingly quick and it honestly made me a little uncomfortable. I want to see people grow and learn but people have to earn their own way there. and another thing redemption is not something another person should be reasonable for giving you. (*cough* Kara *cough*) redemption is something you give yourself through hard choices, personal loses and hard work. and guess what you can do all that and still NEVER get back what you messed up, that was real change and growth is as,

redemption, real redemption

comes in the moments when you don’t benefit from it, Lena loses nothing in helping Kara in the end and gains everything she throw away in a minute flat. So, yeah i think it was rushed in a way that made my jaw drop in disbelief because of how badly rushed it was.

But getting out of that head space.

I like trying to end on a positive note the only part of the ending that was not rushed was Brainy’s bottling of Leviathan,

it was set up as a thing that be could do (ep 10),it was a hard choice to make (as it was going to kill him) and was given time to feel the full weight of the choice, the Rath sibling hand hold, then Lex taunting him and taking the bottle, and then Brainy being left there alone, Then a bit of hope with Nia’s vision. it was the best part of the ending this season and i want to see more. that is how you don’t rush an ending let the audience feel the consequences for the character choices with the character.

anyway season 5 rant over.

#brainiac 5 #supergirl #legion of super heroes #supergirl season 5 #long post #lena luther #lex luther #supergirl cw #nia nal #rant #brainy #querl dox #kara danvers #alex danvers #no editing we die like men

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gold-and-rubies · 3 years

Text

In It For The Long Haul - Chapter 6

Slight Violence. Claudia POV.

Claudia watched as the sun rose over the Commonwealth. The horizon took on shades of gold and orange. The sky going west to east was a gradient of deep shades of indigo to bright blue. The clouds going out toward the ocean were bright pink. The sunrise made the wasteland look beautiful. It was almost enough to put her mind at ease. Almost.

Her mind lingered on the night before. She knew she would have to deal with what happened at the vault. She just was not sure when she would be ready. She felt like she was not now, but she knew it had been for the best. She felt guilty for putting it off for so long. It was not like she was just trying to bury her own trauma. Another’s life was on the line. Even though it was true that she could have already been too late the moment she woke up, it still was not right to put it off for so long. She had to do something now. Her Minutemen duties were important, but she needed to do this, besides, maybe she could help others along the way.

“Mornin’ Boss,” MacCready said groggily from behind her. She jumped slightly. She had not realized how lost in thought she was.

“Morning,” she said, turning to him. She had already eaten and packed her things, so she simply kept watch as he took care of his things.

“So, where are we headed to now, Boss?” he asked.

“We’re going to head to Sanctuary, so we can drop all this stuff off,” she said, gesturing to the suits of power armor and various weapons, “Then we need to go to Diamond City.”

He gave her a surprised look.

“Why are we heading there? Didn’t think they would need help from us.”

“They don’t. Remember what I told you about the vault? ...What happened?”

“Yeah?” he asked. His curiosity obviously piqued.

“The people at Sanctuary told me that’s where I should go to start looking for the kid, and that asshole who took him.”

“Sounds like a good plan to me. I’m not very fond of the place, but even I have to admit that it’s a damn good place to start.”

She nodded distractedly. She was trying to focus on what was coming, and not the past.

MacCready got ready quickly. It was dangerous to stay in one place for too long that was not a farm or settlement.They climbed into the suits of power armor, and started to head to Sanctuary.

They followed the freeway north, making their way over the hills below it. Their armor made a decent amount of noise, but luckily for them most raiders and Gunners would be able to recognize the noise. Normally, small bits of banter passed between them, but their heavy footfalls discouraged them.

About an hour or so into their journey, she heard the distinct growling and hissing sounds of ferals. Claudia stilled. A chill ran up her back. Ferals freaked her out. Normal ghouls were perfectly fine. They just looked like injured people. Ferals on the other hand were incredibly disfigured. Their spines were bent out of shape. Their hands and feet would sometimes not even resemble what they were meant to be. Their faces would resemble high quality zombie masks, looking completely ruined. And that was not even mentioning how they moved or worse, smelled. She was not sure how she had managed to keep it together the first time she saw a feral.

“Did you hear that?” MacCready asked, bringing his rifle up to position.

“Yeah,” she replied, quietly. She readied the minigun. She did not want to waste bullets on the ferals, but using her pistol would call for too much effort.

They stared down the broken street they were on. Sure enough a group of six ferals wandered onto the cracked pavement. They remained still as can be in their power armor, waiting to see if the ferals would notice them. One of the shamblers turned and looked directly at them. She could hear her heart beating in her ears. She knew that they would have no trouble taking them down, but that did not take away from the horror of the situation. She could sense MacCready go completely stiff next to her. He had absolutely no issues with normal ghouls, but ferals for whatever reason got to him.

Suddenly it let out some sort of growl like noise, and the charged forward. She pulled the trigger on the minigun, and let it do its job. Just as she had predicted they had not stood a chance, but it was hard to shake the fear from her bones. Ferals sat uncomfortable in the uncanny valley for her.

“Fu- freaking ferals,” he muttered beside her. His voice was slightly shaky. She wondered why they affected him so much. Even the mirelurk queen had not affected him like this.

They started making their way north again. The shakiness melted back to its original warriness.

***

It was almost sundown by the time they got back to Sanctuary. The wildlife and super mutants seemed to be particularly active that day.

She sighed as she stepped out of the power armor. Her muscles were stiff from not being able to move properly. MacCready stepped out of his, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’m going to go find Preston and Sturges. Why don’t you head back to the house? We’ll be leaving for Diamond City first thing in the morning,” she said.

“Yes, Ma’am,” he joked.

She scoffed in response as she watched him head over to their shared house. She wandered over to the low, shack-like building in the heart of the cul de sac. It was constantly undergoing construction, looking better and less shackish every day. It was the Minuteman base for Sanctuary.

She poked her head through the door. Inside Preston and Sturges were inside talking about building and sending turrets to the Castle.

“Hey, guys,” she said, stepping completely into the building. It was essentially one big room at this point.

“General, you’re back,” Preston said.

“Hey, Boss,” Sturges greeted.

“Did I miss anything while I was gone?”

“Nothing we could not easily deal with. How did it go with the Gunners? You made it sound like it was a big deal,” Preston said.

“It went well. We took down one of their captains. Oh, and we grabbed a suit of power armor as well.”

“Oh damn, that’s a find!” Sturges said.

“We left it with the other one.”

“Do you want me to work on it?”

“If you want to. For the time being I don’t think we’ll need either, though,” she explained.

Sturges nodded in response.

She turned to Preston, “Do you know of anyone that needs help near Diamond City? MacCready and I are heading there tomorrow. I… I need to deal with what happened in the vault.”

“I was going to go over with who you wanted to send to a place called Hangman’s Alley that’s near there, but if you want to do it go for it. It’s your call, General,” Preston responded.

“What’s needed to do there?”

“Clear and set up.”

“If Diamond City is as important as I’ve heard, then that’s a great idea. MacCready and I will take care of it. Do you know what’s there?”

“Raiders,” he said simply.

“Then there shouldn’t be any complaints from him then.”

“Yer lookin’ for people right?” Sturges interjected.

“Yeah?”

“I suggest you take Dogmeat with ya in case ya need to track anythin’.”

“Thanks for the suggestion.”

“I don’t mean to derail anything, but there are some things we need to talk about, Ma’am.”

“Of course, and you know you don’t have to call me that, right?”

***

Claudia sat on the edge of the foot of her bed shivering. Her head rested in her hands and her elbows on her knees. She stared at the old safe in the corner of the room. There was something inside it she needed, but she did not want to stare at the relics of the past. She had just finally opened up about the kidnapping and the murder. She was not sure if she was ready to come to terms with what she had lost yet. Eventually the need for what was inside won the argument.

She slid off of the bed to her knees. She knelt in front of the safe. Her hand raised to open it, but her hand stopped mid-air, hesitant. She shook her head, pushing away any thoughts holding her back. She opened the safe, and stared at its contents. Inside was her vault suit, old pictures and books that had managed to survive, jewelry, silverware, and various other metal trinkets. She gingerly picked up the bright blue suit, careful not to disturb the other items. She looked at everything one last time before she sealed the safe again. She was not sure when, or if, she would open it again.

She got redressed, this time with the vault suit underneath her other clothing. She needed it for its warmth. She was not used to the cold. The collar was visible, as well as part of the sleeve on her left arm, where the other layers were pushed up to make room for her Pip-Boy.

She stepped outside of the house where MacCready and Dogmeat were waiting. He leaned against the house smoking a cigarette while Dogmeat sat on the old sidewalk. She wondered how he did not seem to be too cold, especially since his ratty duster was missing a sleeve.

He turned his attention to her. She could tell he noticed the suit by the way his eyes narrowed briefly, but he did not say anything about it.

“Ready, Boss?” he asked.

“If you are, but there’s been a slight change of plans.”

“What?” he groaned.

“There’s some raider territory we have to clear out. According to Preston it’s pretty close to Diamond City.”

“Can I see where it is?”

She nodded, and fiddled with her Pip-Boy to pull up the map. She held out her arm for him to see.

“That’s not too bad. Let’s go then.”

She turned to Dogmeat, and called, “Come on, boy. Let’s go!”

They walked in relative silence as they made their way over the bridge and into Concord. She wondered if Sanctuary or Starlight would ever grow large enough for them to have to properly claim the town.

“Hey, I have a question,” she asked suddenly.

“Uh, yeah?”

“Diamond City, is it in an old baseball stadium?”

“I think that’s what it was, why?” he asked curiously.

“I actually know where that is for once. I’ve been there before. Well, before the bombs that is….” her voice trailed off.

“Oh… uh, are you sure you still want to do this, Boss?”

“I have to. I can’t keep running from this,” she sighed.

“Well, whatever you decide, I’ve got your back.”

“Thanks, Mac.”

***

“Damn rain,” MacCready cursed, as he closed the door to the old apartment complex.

Dogmeat shook, sending dirty water and the smell of wet dog everywhere.

“At least we weren’t out in the middle of nowhere,” Claudia sighed. She Shivered slightly from the cold water. She was thankful They had only been in the rain for a few moments, and it had not been too heavy. There were a few wet patches on her clothes, but it was nothing horrible.

He grumbled something, but she did not hear him. She checked the time on her Pip-Boy. It was only mid-afternoon. She cursed lightly to herself. They had made good time that day, and would have been able to make it to Diamond City by sundown.

“Do you think we’re going to have to stay here for the night?” she asked.

“Probably. We probably won’t make it to that raider camp or Diamond City before sunset. Besides, this place seems relatively safe.”

She nodded, “Alright. We should search the place before we settle down, and we should probably stay in the same room or apartment at the very least. This isn’t Goodneighbor.”

He nodded before wandering off further into the building, and Dogmeat followed him. Other than having signs of being inhabited by radroaches at one point, the place looked like it had not been touched in a very long time. It took far longer than they had anticipated to search the building, but there was no such thing as being too cautious. They ended up settling for the night in an apartment on the first floor. They cracked a window, and created a small and insulated fire in a trash can. They spread their bed rolls over the ratty couches before heating up their dinner. Dogmeat curled up next to her.

MacCready looked like he was lost in thought as they quietly ate. This alone was not out of the ordinary, but something about the exact look on his face made her think twice.

“Something on your mind?” she asked.

He was silent for a moment, like he was debating with himself, then he asked, “You lived here before the war, right? How do you not know your way around?”

He spoke gently, not in his usual accusatory voice when he thought someone was completely clueless.

“I… I had only moved here about a month before the bombs dropped to live with my grandmother. I’m not from here,” she said lowly. She was surprised her voice did not shake.

“Fair enough,” not a hint of judgement in his voice, “You know, I’m not from the Commonwealth either.”

“You’re not?” she asked.

“Grew up in the Capital Wasteland. You think it’s bad here? Shoulda been there ten years ago. It’s still pretty fu- freaking bad at times, but it is better.”

“I can’t imagine how hard it must have been,” she said quietly. It was not like him to talk about himself like this. She wondered if there was something he needed to get off of his chest just like she did.

“Could’ve been worse. At least I had a place to live. Grew up in a place called Little Lamplight with a bunch of other kids. Left there when I was about sixteen. We kind of had a policy there. No adults. When you were sixteen you packed up and left. I… I know how it sounds.”

“How could a bunch of kids survive like that?” she asked. Almost every story she read about kids living by themselves with no adult supervision tended to end badly.

“Everyone pulled their own weight. Just like a colony you’d find anywhere, he said nonchalantly, “Can you believe I was the mayor for a while?”

“What?” she laughed. Mayor MacCready, she supposed it had a little bit of a ring to it.

He laughed in return, “Crazy I know.”

“I guess if it worked…” she said. She did not really think it was a great idea, but she did not want to scare him off.

“I don’t know… I think we were just lucky,” he shook his head, “Any way when I hit sixteen I ended up wandering the Capital Wasteland for a while. Things were pretty hot with the Brotherhood of Steel there, and I didn’t want any part of that, so I headed north and ended up here. Made a decent name for myself, then I heard the Gunners were looking for sharpshooters. Biggest mistake of my life…”

“Yeah, but that’s behind you now,” she said.

“Which brings us to now. Thanks to you, I’m finally rid of their garbage smell. I haven’t been able to depend on anyone like this in a while, so I wanted you to know who you were traveling with better. Especially after the other night.”

She thought for a moment. It was nice to know he trusted her as much as she trusted him. He was the closest thing she had to a friend now. He was her friend.

“Sounds like the world can be a lonely place, until you find someone you trust enough to share it with.”

His face reddened and his eyes widened slightly.

“I, uh, never thought about it that way,” he laughed.

In turn her face had reddened slightly too. She figured she had just misspoke. She did not mean what she said in any way other than platonic.

He cleared his throat, “But maybe that’s why I feel so comfortable telling you all of this. Look… I know I tend to be a pain in the a- erugh, I mean, I know I tend to be arrogant, and come off like I want to be alone. Nothing could be further from the truth. Being alone scares the heck out of me…” he paused to take a deep breath, “So, now that we’ve been traveling together for awhile, and after what happened with the Gunners, I’m beginning to realize how much I missed having someone I could depend on. So, thank you for being there for me.”

“Of course, MacCready. That’s what friends are for.”

“‘Friends,’” he laughed, “might take me awhile to get used to that.”

“I’m sure you’ll manage,” she smiled.

She could feel some tension fall from her shoulders. It was nice to know how much he trusted her. Parts of how he acted made sense to her now. The occasional child at heart that would typically show up when they found old comic books. His dislike of authority that was not her or that mayor in Goodneighbor… Hancock, she believed his name was. Those things made sense to her now.

***

Claudia glanced over her shoulder one last time at the newly acquired Hangman’s Alley. The raiders that had resided were dead. They did the dirty work, so that whoever Sturges was sending to set up the radio beacon would not have to worry about that.

She closed the door behind her. Then she wound her way through the broken city closer and closer to the old stadium, taking point for once. Once they were right up against the wall she marveled at the state of it. It was in surprisingly good condition. The people inside were taking good care of it from what she could see. At least Fenway Park will stand the test of time she thought.

At the gate a woman in what looked like a reporter costume was arguing with an intercom. Her red, leather duster was in good condition save the holes at the bottom. Her cap had a piece of paper that said ‘press’ sticking out of it.

“What do you mean can’t open the gate? Danny, I’m standin’ out here in the open here for crying out loud!” the woman demanded.

“I got orders to not let you in Miss Piper. I’m sorry, I’m just doing my job,” the intercom relayed back.

“Protecting Diamond City means keeping me out, huh? Oh look! It’s the scary reporter, BOO!” she said sarcastically. She spoke with her hands in a very animated way.

Next to Claudia, MacCready groaned, “Of course the gate is closed when we show up.”

“I’m sure everything will work out.”

Suddenly the woman in front of them whipped around to face them.

“Hey, you, you want into Diamond City, right?”

“Uh, yeah?” Claudia asked. She glanced at MacCready who seemed to be equally confused.

“Play along,” the woman whispered. She turned to the intercom again, and started the act, “What’s that? You’re a trader up from Quicy? You have enough supplies to keep the general store stocked for a whole month! You hear that Danny? You gonna let us in, or are you going to be the one to tell Crazy Myrna about losing out on all this supply?”

“Uh…” Claudia glanced at MacCready again. He just shrugged at her.

“Fine. Give me a minute,” the man grumbled through the intercom. Then the gate started to lift.

“We should head inside before ol’ Danny catches on to the bluff,” the woman said.

“Hey, Boss, you sure about this?” MacCready asked as the woman started to walk to the entrance.

“Not like we have much of a choice,” she said following the woman.

A man in a patched suit was waiting for them. He looked furious as he addressed the woman, “Piper! Who let you back inside? I thought I told Sullivan to keep that gate shut! You devious, rabble-rousing slanderer! The level of dishonesty in that paper! I’ll have that printer scrapped for parts.”

“Ooo, is that a statement Mr. McDonough?” Piper interjected, “‘Tyrant Mayor Shuts Down the Press.’ Why don’t we ask the newcomer? You support the news? ‘Cause the mayor is threatening to throw free speech in the dumpster.”

Claudia was caught off guard by the sudden inclusion into the argument. She looked between Piper and the mayor. She was unsure about what to think about Piper, but there was something deeply off about the mayor. She could not quite put her finger on it. She knew which side to choose, besides she knew the importance of the press.

“Always believed in freedom of the press,” she offered.

MacCready scoffed behind her.

The mayor turned to Claudia.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to bring into this argument, Miss. No,no… you look like Diamond City material. Don’t let this muckraker taint your idea of our lovely city,” he tired, and failed to convince her.

“This hasn’t been the friendliest welcome,” Claudia said.

“She’s got you there McDonough. Guess not everyone’s won over by that shark smile of yours,” Piper scoffed.

“Ignore her. Was there anything in particular you came to our city for?”

She glanced back to MacCready, who had a very wary look on his face. Something was wrong here, and she had a feeling it was McDonough’s fault.

“Missing person. An infant,” she said simply.

“An infant is missing? Are you and the security just going to stand by while these two search for a baby?” Piper demanded.

“Don’t listen to her. While I’m afraid the security team cannot follow every case, I’m sure you can find help here,” he smiled. A chill ran up Claudia’s spine.

“I hope so,” she said coolly. She had a feeling it would be best to get involved as little as possible with this man.

“This is ridiculous! Diamond City security can’t offer one person to help?” Piper interjected.

“That is enough out of you, Piper. Consider you and that little sister of yours on notice.”

“Keep talking, McDonough! It’s all you're good for!” she shouted at his retreating back.

She sighed, “You feel honored yet? Look, I got to get settled in, but you should stop by my place later. I have an idea for an article that you would be perfect for, Miss.”

Claudia turned to MacCready. He looked just like she felt. Completely bewildered.

“The hell was that?” she asked.

“I have no idea. But are you really going to do that ‘story’?”

“If there is something in it for us,” she sighed.

She looked towards the entrance. Anticipation of what might have become of one of the most famous baseball stadiums filled her. She wondered what other information she might find, and how much more confusing things could get.

#violence warning #fallout #fallout 4 #fo4 #maccready #piper wright #claudia flynn #preston garvey #fallout sturges #fanfic #fanfiction

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ladyherenya · 4 years

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Books read in July

With one or two exceptions, these were books were sources of FEELINGS.

Favourite cover: The Enigma Game, nut most of these covers are a good fit for the stories they represent.

Reread: “The Marriage of Mary Russell” by Laurie R. King, “Something Worth Doing” by Elizabeth and I also listened to quite a bit of Code Name Verity (by the same).

Also read: “Monster” by Naomi Kritzer.

Still reading: A Wizard’s Guide to Defensive Baking by T. Kingfisher.

Next up: Stars Above by Marissa Meyer.

(Longer reviews on LibraryThing and Dreamwidth.)

Descendant of the Crane by Joan He (narrated by Nancy Wu): Princess Hesina of Yan, believing her father to be murdered, opens an investigation into his death. She’s driven by her aching grief and by her fierce desire for truth and justice -- for all her people, as well as in this matter of her father’s death. But the truth is much harder than she expects. I thought this was incredible, but sometimes stressful! Compelling characters, complex family dynamics (I especially liked the sibling relationships), intricate prose and worldbuilding, and startling twists that turned out to slot neatly in with the other puzzle pieces.

Riviera Gold by Laurie R. King: This takes place in July 1925, immediately after Island of the Mad. Mary Russell leaves Venice for Monaco, hoping to see her former housekeeper -- and discovers that Mrs Hudson has been accused of murder. As always, I love Russell's first person narration and her observations of the world around her. The historical scenery is particularly vivid: cliffs and ocean views, the Monte Carlo casino, expats with questionable pasts and connections, smugglers, Jazz Age artists, bronze casting. Moreover, it’s all relevant to the mystery Russell is unravelling. I also liked the indications that Russell and Holmes’ unconventional marriage works for them.

Fireweed by Jill Paton Walsh: A short bittersweet novel from 1969 about two runaway evacuees living on the streets of London during the Blitz. It’s very vivid, particularly the details about wartime London -- but there’s also a thread of ambiguity, because the narrator is looking back on a time he doesn’t fully remember and didn’t always understand. In the end, that becomes a bit unsatisfying, yet I like how the story allows one to fill in some of the gaps for oneself. I wish I had discovered this at thirteen -- I’d have appreciated it even more and been fascinated by the experience of fending for oneself.

Aurora Burning by Amie Kaufman and Jay Kristoff: After everything that happened in Aurora Rising, Squad 312 have been labelled traitors but they are not going to let that stop them from saving the world. This is fast-paced, with some excellent twists and frustrating developments. Sometimes the action was engaging; other times my eyes glazed over. Sometimes the multiple POV was a strength; other times I felt it hindered me from becoming really attached to anyone. Sometimes I was amused by the characters, and other times the qualities which make them amusing became irritating. I think the things I liked outweighed the things I didn’t care for?

The A.I. Who Loved Me by Alyssa Cole: Trinity is working from home after a traumatic accident when she meets her neighbour’s strange nephew, Li Wei. This science-fiction romance has mystery, humour and moments of very pointed commentary. I enjoyed Li Wei working out how to act like a human again, and the interactions with Penny, the Home AI assistant. There is more going on here than either Trinity or Li Wei initially realises, which is great --- but that reveal indicates that some important, interesting parts of this story have been glossed over. I might have liked this more if the flashbacks had been expanded.

“Monster” by Naomi Kritzer (from Clarkesworld Magazine, issue 160): This alternates between Cecily’s time in China, looking for an old school friend, and the history of that particular friendship. I don’t regret reading (well, listening to) this, but I don’t know if I liked it. It is tense and uneasy, and left me wishing I had someone with whom I could discuss interpretations of the ending’s implications.

Gravity is the Thing by Jaclyn Moriarty (narrated by Aimee Horne): This grew on me. In the end, I loved it. For twenty years, Abigail’s been sent chapters of a mysterious self-help book. The story alternates between the present, as Abigail learns more about The Guidebook, and her reflections about her past -- particularly her brother, her marriage, being a single mother. At times this story is uncomfortable but the way everything is drawn together -- and seeing Abigail make sense of her life -- was unexpectedly satisfying. Compelling. I also liked the Australian setting, the Aussie audiobook narrator, some of the whimsical parts and how Maybe The Real Treasure Was the Friends We Made Along the Way.

The Enigma Game by Elizabeth Wein: Like The Pearl Thief, this is a prequel/companion novel to Code Name Verity. In late 1940, nineteen year old Jamie is an RAF pilot in northern Scotland. His friend Ellen, a driver for the aerodrome, is staying at the same pub as Louisa (newly-orphaned, half-Jamaican), who is caring for an elderly German woman. Together they discover a way to keep Jamie’s squadron ahead of the Germans. I loved this. A powerful exploration of identity, secrets and the problems of prejudice. I was delighted (and also devastated) by how this story fits in with Code Name Verity. The bits about flying are lovely.

Hamster Princess: Giant Trouble by Ursula Vernon (aka T. Kingfisher): After Ratpunzel, Harriet’s next adventure involves magic beans, a giant bunny and a hamster who wants to form a band. There is something very soothing about making tea. You have to concentrate on the whole process, and then you have tea. Even someone as decisive as Harriet had to make tea sometimes and think things through.

Kind of Cursed by Stephanie Fournet: Millie has been dealing with a lot -- losing her parents, gaining guardianship of her younger siblings, a miscarriage and a relationship break-up. She’s decided to avoid men for the next decade. But it’s hard to avoid Luc, who is overseeing the renovation of Millie’s kitchen. Watching Millie find the support, comfort and happiness she so desperately needs gave me warm fuzzy feelings. This has the right I-need-a-hug-vibe, the right ratio of emotional hurt/comfort, for me. In another story, I might have had issues with how quickly the romance becomes a serious relationship, but the characters’ choices made sense in context.

Fall Semester by Stephanie Fournet: This romance between a depressed literature professor and a graduate student with a terminally-ill father was an interesting experience because I was aware of its weaknesses and yet it was such a compelling dose of FEELINGS that I really enjoyed reading it. I also have something of a soft spot for stories about universities -- and perhaps was feeling tolerant, knowing it was the author’s first novel. (Weaknesses included: the prose style is serviceable but bland, an odd fit for protagonists with backgrounds in literature/poetry; their serious issues deserved more focus; and some of Malcolm’s reactions have uncomfortable overtones of entitlement.)

You First by Stephanie Fournet: More compelling feelings, which kept me reading, but in hindsight, didn’t completely sell me on the age-gap or the short time-frame. If only it hadn’t largely skipped over showing the characters navigating an interesting challenge introduced in the final act in favour of an epilogue which picks up some time later! Seriously, if you’re going to throw in that particular complication, then I at least want to watch them deal with it. I’m not grumbling too much. I cared enough about seeing the characters’ situations improve, which counts for something. And what did I expect, reading three romance novels in a row?

Like No Other by Una LaMarche: Two teenagers meet in a New York hospital elevator during a blackout. Devorah is a Hasidic Jew, Jaxon is black. Devorah is not allowed to socialise with boys outside of her family, let alone anyone outside her community, but she and Jaxon keep finding ways to see each other. This was fascinating, but also frustrating -- I was frustrated with Devorah’s culture for making her feel like she would be disowned if she put a foot wrong, and also frustrated, perhaps unfairly, with Jaxon for not fully appreciating the risks Devorah faces. However I liked the ending a lot.

#Herenya reviews books #Joan He #Laurie R. King #Jill Paton Walsh #Amie Kaufman #Jaclyn Moriarty #Elizabeth Wein #Ursula Vernon #Stephanie Fournet #Una LaMarche

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unluckyxse7en-moving · 4 years

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Can I ask a question? I have been wondering stuff about myself and in the panel where it says "before 'me' disappeared." it stuck out to me. I've never had a good grip on who I am and figured I had to build it. Idk hat that is. Nor do I expect you to answer that. My question is, could you explain it more?

Yes, absolutely, you’re totally welcome to ask! and idk how well I can explain it but I’ll do my best based on my current personal understanding and experience! obligatory disclaimer, many systems have unique experiences and it’s not always consistent or cut and dry from system to system, but if something about this does hit home I encourage you to look into researching it more as you feel comfortable! Also a heads up, I’m going to probably overexplain terms and concepts since I’m not sure what you do know, plus if someone else reading this isn’t familiar I figure that may help them too, so bear with me! ^^ (this got incredibly long and incredibly personal, I hope that’s ok! We’ve found hearing about personal experiences from others always helped give us a way to compare our experience better in ways that medical definitions don’t help with, so we got detailed in hopes it’ll be helpful to someone. heads up, there’s some references to feelings of unreality.)

Gonna try to put this under a cut since it got so long, let’s hope tumblr cooperates!

So admittedly, I was intrigued when you sent this line in, because while I’ve reread this comic a couple times before posting it, I didn’t remember writing a line exactly like that. As it turns out, the writing was meant to say “when ‘He’ disappeared” but it’s really oddly unclear whether it’s an H or an M at first glance compared to the rest of the script? If I’m honest I actually prefer your interpretation better, especially because the ambiguity lends more to the comic’s meaning in retrospect. I’m not gonna say something like ‘oh one of my alters must’ve done that on purpose’ because back then our handwriting was just an inconsistent mess in general and the most involvement we could probably credit to the alters was just one person tried to write that H in their handwriting when someone else was supposed to be writing it. But I thought that was an interesting case of serendipity so I couldn’t help pointing it out lmao

That said, I think your reading actually makes just as much sense in the context of the comic, and is a phenomenon I think I can readily explain that I have had a little experience with. Currently, my system setup is a little bit like an archeological dig. The alters that have surfaced the most, who have been the ones in charge of actions/words/emotional responses/etc, aka ‘fronted’, are all the ones who have formed in more recent years. The ones from years past are further back, and harder to access because we’ve developed a protective setup where the newer alters act as barricades to keep the older ones from being more exposed to trauma, or anything else they can’t handle. At its core, that’s what the function of a system is - to develop other alters who can handle situations more vulnerable parts can’t - but not all systems are built with an onion-layer setup like mine either, so just keep that in mind.

That said, since I’m built with an onion-layer setup, that means most of my system experience is based upon those older alters being shielded and walled up. When you add enough layers, we can’t dig them out again and for us that’s where most of our ‘disappearance’ comes in that we know of. There’s another phenomenon that could cause the ‘disappearance’ effect but we’ll touch on that in a moment. In our case, we just eventually feel so distanced from who “I” was supposed to be, whoever that is. Very few of the ones who have been out in recent months are from older times. We’ve had a small handful who are from our high school years (we’re 25 now), and maybe caught a glimpse of alters older than that once or twice. We very rarely remember much of the time from that far back, and what we do remember feels incredibly detached. Almost more like we saw it in a first person pov movie rather than actually been there. We’ve gone through name changes a couple times by now, and I highly suspect that those name changes are further reflective of our archeological layers and who we decided to try to model our collective behavior around, to try to seem like one whole person.

“Erika” was a girl who behaved one way. “Erin” was someone who behaved another way. and “Cleo” has been our current blueprint for who we’re supposed to be on the outside when being incognito. And what’s interesting is that you mentioned feeling like you had to ‘build’ yourself, because while it’s not so precise or in our control, we’ve approached it much the same way. For each name change it was like different models. out with the old model and in with the new, now introducing Cleo v2.0, with these personality patches and old bugs fixed. Around the time we changed to Erin, we had firmly decided we wanted to put our ‘old self’ behind us and improve ourselves. We had come out of toxic experiences eyes open, and we were terrified of reflecting that internalized toxicity outward. So we took ourselves to the metaphorical workshop, and spent many many years scrutinizing who ‘Erika’ was under a microscope for our faults, our flaws, what made us work that way, so that we could iron out the kinks when introducing ‘Erin’. As we took ‘Erin’ for test runs in college, we would find different flaws and faults that needed fixing, so once we’d accumulated a comprehensive list of those we took Erin in for workshopping and shortly after we dropped out of college, out came Cleo. Our entire life experience from the outside has been a long-running fixer-upper project, and for a while we were proud of ourselves to see the long strides in improvements we’d made upon “myself”, for being so quick to see our flaws and find ways to manage them.

But what was really happening under the hood was, we weren’t actually changing as an individual, cohesive person. We were adapting and forming new alters, or at the very least reassigning them based on who handled what better - so if we had become sick of our short temper, we swapped that alter out so that what normally caused them to respond, would instead elicit someone less volatile and slower to anger. If one of us froze up at the sight of blood, they would be swapped out of the front for someone who had no problems with it. This is why we ended up onion-layering ultimately, to lower the risk of the other alters being in front at poorly timed moments.

So tl;dr for us, a lot of our ‘Disappearance’ of our selves was us trading them out or hiding them away, and most likely encouraging a state of alter dormancy - when alters become inactive for long periods of time. (for some of us we describe it like sleeping - I think it tires us out on a physical level if one alter is active too long, it probably works certain parts of the brain more depending on the alter, but that’s all speculation.)

Backtracking a little - there is another experience that would cause a more definite and permanent ‘Disappearance’ effect. We haven’t experienced it since coming out as a system to ourselves. But we’re pretty sure we experienced it once, or twice, way back when. It’s formally known as Fusion. Fusion is what happens when two or more alters end up “physically” (for lack of a better word) merging together. They cannot separate, and they become an entirely different alter. The new alter often has some elements of their components in terms of personality traits and memories, but also isn’t a complete merging of everything. Memories and emotional attachments can often get lost in the process. This is where the other Disappearance can occur.

We know it happened to us at least once. Somewhere around middle or high school, for no apparent reason, we had developed an acute awareness and fear of Amnesia, and the identity death that would inevitably come with it. We were always scared, what if we hit our head and lost our memory? What would we remember, if anything? Would we get it back? Media always dramatizes amnesia, where amnesiac characters have some twinge, some spark, where they get drawn to things super important to them from before the memory loss. Would that happen to us? What if it didn’t? What if we never remembered the things that mattered so dearly to us? Would we even be the same person anymore?

If you compare that to the concept of fusion, it’s almost uncomfortably spot on. But we had no idea about systems or fusion back then. Which can only mean we had experienced a fusion, and somehow that caused a disturbance in the system that led to that latent fear to hang over our heads, along with the constant feelings of unreality and dreaming that followed us all through high school.

But somewhere along the line, just as suddenly as that fear developed, it just. Dissipated. It’s still a terrifying concept for us. But we no longer obsess over it like we did back then. We also suspect that’s probably related to another fusion of sorts. We have no clue who they were, or who they are now though.

So to tie it all back in, in the comic the ‘Me/He’ disappearing would be parallel to an alter going dormant, or possibly fusing. The characters the protagonist and Tormenter are built around were originally part of a storyline of two separate identities that ended up ‘fusing’ to form a different whole, and while I can’t say the comic is faithful to the scientific or actual experience in a system, since I didn’t know about it at the time, I’m pretty sure it was based on what I had picked up on in my subconscious, so that’s the implications there, inaccurate representation though they may be. I have heard from a few sources that fusion is often the result of a necessary function, to help protect or help an alter that can no longer function or cope the way they have been by creating a new alter that can cope better, so with this understanding, and the direction of the comic, it makes a sort of sense.

These are my thoughts in regards to your question about ‘disappearance’ in the context of the comic based on my personal experiences, I hope it helped! Feel free to ask more or send in followup questions or statements, hopefully now that I’ve given a lot of context I won’t be quite so long-winded haha

#long post #personal #blablablah #osdd #actuallyosdd #actuallyplural #did #anon #versus #gonna make that my tag for the comic and q's related to it!#ask and ye shall receive #ps - sorry i took so long to respond! I've been off all day trying to pack for something fjdgndj

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coeurvrai · 5 years

Text

Nadya couldn’t stop her hands from shaking.

Her prayer beads were safely in her pocket, so she clutched at the necklace Kostya had given her. What would Kostya say if he saw her now? Caught up in a plan forged by a group of potentially mad teenagers, a mask on her face made of leather painted white and stamped with impressions of thorns.

What necklace? I don’t remember any mention of Kostya giving you a necklace, either during the first chapter or any exposition.

Also I’m pretty sure Kostya would be upset with his apparent best friend flirting with and not murdering their so-called enemy, especially someone apparently as dangerous and as abhorrent as Malachiasz, him being a powerful blood mage and “former” Vulture and all of that. And Kostya doesn’t even have a death goddess as a patron as further motivation. If, y’know, Kostya had any character consistency concerning their mutual hatred and fear of Tranavia. Like she should have with Anna.

He would tease her, scold her, tell her she was getting in over her head. She missed him.

Okay, whatever you say, Nadya. Also you are in over your head because you’ve basically never been outside of your monastery and decided to shack up with Malachiasz, Parijahan and Rashid and their assassination plans for the sake of plot, while literally admitting there was still a lot that you didn’t know.

Also, sure you do lol

Anyways, they are in the city now and Nadya’s like “oh shit, the signal on this Channel Gods is very weak here”, and it’d be very hard for her to do her magic shenanigans. Which annoys me a little, because that means less situations for Nadya’s magic to be established with any rules or showing her using it as a crutch that the lack of it is debilitating - which could’ve made her further realise what taking away blood magic would mean to the people of Tranavia.

The closer they got to the palace grounds, the more agitated Malachiasz became. Nadya could feel her own nervousness feeding off his. She grabbed his wrist when they were near the palace gates, pressing down hard at the base.

She lifted her eyebrows when he shot her a questioning look. The magic they had cast on each other was all that would keep them safe; they had to trust in it. Nadya had anchored her safety to him and he would have to do the same for her. It was clear he didn’t want to return to a place so near the Vultures, but he had to trust her spell would not falter. Finally he let out a long breath, the tension bleeding out of him. She let go of his wrist.

As much as I shit talk Malachiasz because I do not like him, it’s kind of rich to ask him to trust you when you don’t want to trust him yourself. Especially if I make the effort to believe you’re telling the truth and actually mean it when you said earlier that you want to murder him. Like, why should HE trust YOU when you have to pretend you don’t want to murder him?

Like come on, Nadya. Have a tiny bit of self-awareness.

The guards at the palace gates went over Nadya’s paperwork so meticulously that she convinced herself they were going to be arrested on the spot. A bead of sweat dripped down her spine. Rashid didn’t appear concerned, but Nadya had learned the boy had a knack for calm in a similar way Parijahan did. She wondered what it was that allowed the Akolans to stare headlong into potential disaster without flinching.

After ten agonizing minutes, the guards waved her through the gates. Nadya wanted to collapse against Parijahan in relief, but she merely took the papers back from the guard and stepped past them.

When did they get the time to acquire and/or forge these papers?! How did Rashid know which papers to forge and what to do for them? What these are these papers that were so necessary. I’m supposed to believe that it just happened? Even though this was one big huge thing that needed to be done and we’re just brushing over it like “yeah, they have them” like???

Everything is happening without a hitch! And there’s no tension in it, no real tangible stakes in the possibility of them getting caught and the subsequent relief in them not being caught. Like, compared to the Dregs breaking into the Ice Court in SOC, there’s none of that here.

Nadya is separated from Malachiasz and Rashid, only with Parijahan for company as she spends time with this attendant man, talking about how Łaszczów is far away but for the Rawalyk, they’ll make the trip. Nadya’s accent is apparently so good now after the days spent on the road that it’s convincing enough that no comment is made about it.

Nadya had only been wearing her mask for a day and already she was fantasizing about ripping it off. It was hot and uncomfortable and she didn’t want it on anymore.

I mean, would you rather wear the Vulture-inspired masks like you’re a member of the Spring Court in ACOTAR or would you rather further commit “heresy” by doing actual blood magic? If I had the alleged scruples you had, I know which one I’d rather pick.

We get extra details about the royal palace:

The exterior of the palace was striking, with golden columns lining the entrance. Aged oak doors opened into the massive foyer. Marble floors were checkered in pale violets and blacks. Paintings of women in flowing gowns and soldiers in crisp military uniforms stretched across the vaulted ceilings.

As they wound their way through the palace, the paintings became darker in tone. The hallways closed in as the colors grew increasingly oppressive. Vultures—the birds and their human counterparts—their claws, and blood magic symbols scrawled by an artist whose frenzy could be felt.

Altogether opulent and terrifying, it was like a nightmare had bled its way into a nobleman’s dreams.

That writing in the second paragraph is so awkwardly phrased, even though I basically get what it’s saying. Editor dropped the ball on that one. Also I still don’t get what the blood magic symbols are for. Malachiasz used them at the Alena church and they were mentioned before around the palace in Serefin’s POV. Like what is the significance of them, compared to the book pages and their inherent magic?

Speaking of Serefin, Nadya is walking with the attendant and Parijahan around the palace when you’ll NEVER guess who shows up.

“Feeling left out happens when someone goes drinking without you, Ostyia, not when someone visits a mad—oh.” The droll voice that echoed down the hallway stopped.

A spike of adrenaline raced through Nadya. This was the defining moment, where this plan could succeed or burn to the ground and leave them all at the end of a noose.

The High Prince cut a completely different figure than he had that day at the monastery. His brown hair was shorter now, swept carefully back from his forehead. In this light, his pale eyes were less eerie, though the scar that cut across his face was still intimidating. But in the gilded halls of his palace he looked more like a prince than a monster.

He was trailed by the short one-eyed girl. She had been in the middle of pulling on his sleeve and cajoling him when he’d stopped abruptly.

If you guessed our too young to be a general and resident general dumbass prince Serefin, pat yourselves on the back! He is with Ostyia and they seem to be talking about Pelageya, which is something that for some reason he never told her about before the assassination attempt. If this is before the assassination attempt, I’m not sure.

Again, the difference in time between the two POVs isn’t made clear at all, or whether there is a difference at all, or if time travels at the same time between the two. Which is a very important thing to differentiate, like I mentioned in Serefin’s previous chapter.

Also I’m amused by the fact that Nadya says in this situation “he looks more like a prince than a monster”, because I get what she’s saying but also, duh. He’s the High Prince. Not shit he looks like a prince, because he is one lmao

#sarah reads ws

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forestwater87 · 5 years

Text

A big box o’Gwenvid AU ideas: A is for "Aww” and “Angst” and “AAAH”

This post is fucking rad as balls, and I started thinking of fun AU ideas . . . until I remembered that I already have approximately 2 billion WIPs already and don’t necessarily know if any of these have legs as actual fics. But it was fun to think about, so here we are! This is the first of . . . presumably 26 of these? Who knows, but this post we have:

Accidental Marriage AU

In which Campbell convinces incredibly wealthy investors known for their focus on “family values” that the Camp is a sweet family business run by a husband-and-wife team of counselors. The problem, of course, is that it isn’t sweet and its head counselors aren’t married. Campbell only has enough booze to fix one of those situations.

He’ll figure the rest out in the morning. He thinks better with a hangover, anyway.

(Yes I think this one would be awesome in Campbell’s POV. You cannot change my mind on this.)

Actor AU

Okay, real talk this would just be @whiskyarts‘s gameshow AU. Because I kinda love the idea of Jerk!David who just pretends to be a sweetheart for the cameras. Except I would cover it with my filthy Gwenvid hands and make it shippy in that antagonistic-hatemance-eventually-turns-into-something-resembling-feelings. There would be lots of angst and snark and sparkly clothes and I would love it and probably no one else would.

Alien AU

An Interplanetary Anthropologist, Gwen, manages to land a position on the Campbell after years of education and networking and plain old hard work. She is an employee of the most impressive warship in the galaxy -- sure, it’s gone to seed a little bit in the last few decades, but it still has its shine if you look at it sideways and squint a little -- and more importantly, it’s work experience! Paid work experience . . . as a janitor.

When the Campbell picks up a POW that the ship’s commander plans to (illegally) sell to the highest bidder, Gwen decides to treat it as an opportunity to build a real-life case study on one of the universe’s rarer life forms while it’s within arm’s reach. But the more she learns about the strange, sunny alien who was his platoon’s only survivor, the more uncomfortable she is with letting him disappear into her captain’s nefarious dealings and --

Oh fuck, this is The Shape of Water, isn’t it? I mean, I’ve never seen The Shape of Water but I’m pretty sure that’s what this is. Fuck. Goddamn it. Fuck.

Amnesia AU

David takes a rogue bus to the . . . well, everything -- something that’s more or less routine by now -- and hits his head hard enough to knock him out for almost a full day. When he wakes up, he’s the same cheerful David the camp is used to . . . except for three strange new things:

He doesn’t know where he is or what he’s doing -- doesn’t, in fact, remember anything after some vague memories of childhood.

He’s completely terrified of the forest, and especially of Spooky Island.

He has no idea who Cameron Campbell is, but he’s quite positive he hates him.

Android AU

Actually @ciphernetics and I put this idea together a little while ago! Basically Camp Campbell has a state-of-the-art off-brand helper android named David, who is a perfect camp counselor, childcare provider, and comes equipped with the finest Forest Survival software Cameron Campbell could find for free online in half an hour.

Gwen, the new (requisite human) hire, hasn’t ever really interacted with androids, and doesn’t especially want to now. David is used to the distrust, even outright hostility -- very few of the campers seem to like him, and he knows that his presence can be unsettling to humans, and look, it isn’t a D:BH AU okay? It just looks like one, and acts like one. And is one.

Angel/Demon AU

Um the perfect Angel/Demon AU literally already exists, but they only wrote one chapter back in 2017 and never updated, and that makes me absurdly sad. Regardless, David being very bad at being a demon and Gwen being very bad at being an angel is the ideal setup for this kind of AU, in my humble opinion.

However, David being an angel trying to reform his fallen ABFEL (angel buddy for eternal life!), who probably became a demon over something stupid and probably horny, also sounds extremely cute. They’re still friends, even though that is against literally all of the rules, and they secretly meet and hang out. David is convinced he can bring her around, and Gwen insists that she hates having him hanging off her nonexistent wings all the time.

Honestly, probably neither of those things are true. Gwen wasn’t cut out for heaven -- and probably, neither is David.

Apocalypse AU

Cameron Campbell was probably doing something dangerously stupid in the hopes it could make him money. That, or the Quartermaster was doing something dangerous for reasons only he could ever understand. Hell, maybe that’s what that weird Daniel guy’s cult was trying to do. Whoever was doing what, they ripped a hole in their dimension at the bottom of Lake Lilac, and all sorts of awful things start creeping through.

There were signs, of course -- that weird fish-monster certainly didn’t come in through customs -- but an inopportune explosion, or wayward firework, or the rumblings of Sleepy Peak Peak, or something ripped a hole in the fabric of reality big enough for Lovecraftian monsters to start crawling through. There’s no stopping it. Really, there’s no chance of even fighting it.

The second the rift opens, the story becomes one of just trying to stay out from under the Elder Gods’ feet.

Arranged Marriage AU

I think the easiest way to make this one work is by making either David or Gwen Campbell’s actual biological child -- maybe an heir, albeit to a highly illegal fortune and a mountain of credit card debt. But Campbell gets in trouble, the kind of trouble where he’s gambled everything and the only collateral he has left is a kid he got saddled with because their mother had better lawyers. A kid he’s been more than happy to put to work for the last 20-something years, who happens to have caught the eye of a ludicrously wealthy magnate -- not for her own sake (though Campbell would’ve been open to that too) -- but for her child, one she loves more than anything and keeps carefully shut away until the Right Person comes along.

His kid isn’t necessarily the right person, but for the first time in his life Cameron Campbell has a genuine treasure on his hands.

And, like all the fake treasures he’s passed off over the years, he just has to find a way to shine them up and make him a fortune.

Artist AU

Gwen is a starving artist living in a rat-infested hovel in the city, scraping by on a series of uninspired landscapes she paints on postcards and the goodwill of friends, family, and significant others. One day, a bright young man bounces up to her “studio” (it’s a cardboard box outside the park) and tells her excitedly that he’s been looking for her for weeks; he thinks her postcards are the most beautiful things he’s ever seen, and he would like to know if she’d be interested in moving down to a cabin by the lake. He runs a summer camp, he explains, and he knows they’d all be honored if she would teach them art lessons -- and of course paint in her spare time! The views are indescribable, and he’s sure she’ll have no shortage of inspiration.

She weighs the cost of what little artistic dignity she has remaining against room, board, and a steady paycheck for three months, and takes the job immediately.

Art Student AU

Put them in an art college -- maybe condense the ages so that the campers are like, younger students? -- and have Gwen as the Serious Art Student who cares a lot about theory and form and doing things right, and she’s constantly irritated by her classmate David, who sits at the same table as her and has declared them art buddies, and is convinced that the point of art is just to have fun and do your best! Maybe force them to do a group project together and really see them clash.

(Alternatively, there is the infinitely more shameless route of one being an art student and the other being a newd model for figure drawing. I am obviously much too classy to ever insinuate such a thing, but if someone was really looking for a way to write smuht . . . it’s sitting right there. On a table. nekkid. I HAVE TO CHANGE THE SPELLING TO MAKE THIS GO IN THE TAGS ARE YOU KIDDING ME)

Athlete AU

There are 4 major ways this one can go, I feel like:

Basically HSM: Gwen is a small part in her school’s musical (techie, maybe, or the orchestra) and lanky jock David -- which is the most hilarious phrase ever but he’s probably a runner or tennis player, something light on muscles and heavy on speed and springiness -- who’s well-mannered and cheerful but not the brightest, is put into the show as an extra-credit way to bump up his GPA so he can keep sporting his sports, and it turns out he’s both very good at and super enthusiastic about it.

A little like HSM, but as grown-ups: Gwen is the head of the drama/art department, which has just faced heavy cuts to support the superstar sports program, and she furiously storms over to the head coach’s office to let him know exactly what she thinks about him and his stupid meathead jocks. Of course, when the man who opens the door is a sweetheart beanpole with big eyes who already knows her name, she finds it hard to keep up her righteous indignation. And when it turns out that he was completely ignorant of the hit her department took from the budget cuts (or maybe not ignorant, just terminally oblivious) and is almost as upset as she is to hear about it, she’s forced to reconsider everything she’d assumed about Coach Greenwood; maybe he’s not the enemy after all, but someone with whom she can formulate a new battle plan.

Reporter/Famous Athlete AU: Either Gwen is a professional sportsball person and David is the shy, bumbling photographer eager to prove himself, or she’s the plucky, intrepid reporter and David is a good-natured professional athlete who she’s determined to interview.

Teammates AU: Professional or amateur sports team, and they’re just trying to scrape their way out of the bottom of the league without killing each other.

Author AU

There are a lot of potential interpretations of this AU, but my personal favorite is Gwen as a novelist with two distinctly differing careers: as G. E. Santos, the high-concept writer whose books are critical darlings in the maybe 3 publications that care about such things but whose sales can’t quite crack the triple digits; and as Annabelle Elizabeth, whose steamy erotica regularly tops the bestseller lists and is reviled by all of G. E.’s colleagues as “populist genre trash.”

The only person alive who knows about her Jekyll-and-Hyde author personas (besides her older sister Audree, who plays the part of charismatic and sensual Annabelle flawlessly) is her editor, David. He’s an odd choice, as her colleagues in both fields have pointed out -- reading her romance novels with his pen in one hand and the other covering his eyes, peeking through his fingers to write tremulous notes in the margins; stumbling through her ponderous literary works with a dictionary in his lap and his tongue between his teeth, poring through them like he’s learning a new language -- but he’s the only person Gwen will allow to touch her writing.

Maybe it’s because he always seems like her biggest fan. Maybe it’s because she’s known him since they were at a summer camp together years ago. Maybe it’s because he believes in her in a way no one else does -- in a way she absolutely doesn’t believe in herself.

David is, for reasons she’s not entirely sure how to explain even to herself, the only person she trusts.

Avian (Bird People) AU

Centuries ago, it was said, avians were a rarity, an aberrant mutation to be locked up and intently studied but never trusted. Some people thought they were antichrists, a sign of the end times, when all normal humans would be destroyed and only the strange bird-people would remain.

In a way, maybe they were. Because when the earth’s crust ripped open and flooded the planet with magma and boiling water miles deep, avians were the only ones who could take to the sky.

Not all of them, certainly. In fact, most were locked up in detention centers and laboratories when the Swamp formed, and were unable to escape in time. Considering the people who could get to high enough elevations to escape the deluge, there were decades afterwards where the decimated human population outnumbered the avian one. Those were periods of tension, outright war and tentative alliances -- even romances, the kinds of great love stories that dragged both avian and human populations a few generations along when one or both of them should’ve died out.

That was over two hundred years ago, however. Now the Swamp is a murky expanse of scalding water and the boiled remains of civilization transformed into unrecognizable muck, with islands of “land” cobbled out of what remains. This is where the avians live, now. And humans don’t live anywhere, not anymore.

At least . . . that was what they thought.

#campcamp #camp camp roosterteeth #cc david #cc gwen #cc campbell #gwenvid #forestwriting #big box o'gwenvid aus #this was absurdly fun #the fun thing about the last one is it could be either avian!Gwen and human!David or vice versa #or avian!Gwenvid and human!insert-camper-of-your-choice (it's max. it's always max)#there are some cool ways to work with it #humans could be the bad guys #there could be no bad guys #i actually really like this au idea even though i doubt i'll write it

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horansqueen · 5 years

Text

BabyGirl 7.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.4k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ idk how i feel about this chapter? only his POV btw, was easier this way. please tell me if youre still interested in this story? i feel like its dying slowly lol ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate.

♥ PART 1 // PART 2 // PART 3 // PART 4 // PART 5 // PART 6

7.0 NEW MUSIC AND IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

HIM

Maybe It's time you go home.

Her words resonated in my head over and over as I drove back to my house and I couldn't help but wonder if I was really going to kiss her out of pity. I've been flooded with so many intense feelings in the past days that it was sometimes hard to unscramble. I barely understood myself, so I couldn't expect her to understand me at all.

The only thing I was sure of, is that I loved Chelsea. If I could have created the perfect child for me, I wouldn't even have came close to that perfection. She was turning me into a different man, a better one I believed, and I was so proud to be her dad it almost hurt. Still, if I wanted to be honest with myself, I shat my pants just thinking about her reaction to finding out I was her father. I could live easily with what the rest of the world would think, but if Chelsea didn't want me as a dad, I had no idea how I would take it.

I threw my keys on the counter and locked the door behind me, taking my coat off and leaving it on the couch, along with my beanie and my scarf. I walked slowly to the kitchen and opened my fridge, staring way too long at the inside of it. I was not exactly sure of what I wanted, and it made me think of her. I also was not really sure what I wanted when it came to my ex girlfriend. Did I want her to be my ex ex girlfriend? Or was I attracted to her simply because of the vestige of feelings that were once really fucking strong?

I couldn't blame her for moving away when I decided to kiss her but when I brushed my thumb on her bottom lip, I realized that even if I was not sure of the feelings we truly had for each other, I was well aware of how my body vibrated when she was near and it brought an other question in my head. Was it simply lust? Would we finally succumb to the temptation in weeks from now only to find out that it was only physical attraction? That thought made me grimace and I bent down to quickly grab a beer.

The last thing she told me was to leave and I felt like it ended things very badly. I didn't want to hurt her, and my instinct really told me to kiss her. My head, however, kept reminding me of all the wrongs she did me and it made me sigh.

I grabbed my phone and turned it on again. I had only brought it in case of an emergency but I was not going to let myself be distracted by it when I was spending time with my daughter. It turned on slowly and I sighed for the second time when all the notifications popped up. One made me frown though and I opened it, only to see an amazing picture of Chelsea on my shoulders with fireworks in the background. It was a great photo, and even if I knew it was her job as a photographer, I was still impressed by the quality of the picture. She hadn't written anything but the date and I quickly changed the background of my phone for this photo.

'Thank you for the picture Xx' i typed quickly before hitting 'send'.

I stared at the words I sent, my thumb still hovering over the keyboard of my phone, wondering if I should type anything else.

'I didn't want to hurt you. I'm happy we spent the day together,'

I debated whether or not I should try to comfort her, but no matter what I would send her couldn't be the completely truth. I couldn't tell her it wasn't a pity kiss I wanted to give her because I had no idea if it was. I couldn't tell her I wanted to try again with her since I was not even sure of my feelings. All I could do was tell her what I knew and was a hundred percent sure of.

I waited way too long for her answer, standing motionless in the middle of my kitchen, and finally gave up. I sighed, closing my eyes and sliding my phone on the isle next to me, and finally walked to my room, deciding that I needed a shower.

She hadn't texted me in a few days and although I was well aware that I had to wait for her to show signs of life, I was getting impatient. It's only on the morning of the third day without any news from her or my daughter that I got a text message from her.

'Niall I need you.'

I felt my heart jump in my chest, questioning the signification of her words but a few seconds later, I got an other text from her, clearing my doubts.

'I have to work today and I have no one to babysit Chelsea."

Her first text was not declaring her love for me in a short text message, she just needed someone to take care of our daughter while she was at work. I thought I would feel relieved but what invaded my whole body seemed more like disappointment. I shook my head slightly and finally, a smile appeared on my lips. Not only was I going to spend the whole day with my daughter but now I knew that my ex girlfriend trusted me enough to let me stay with Chelsea by myself.

'I'm on my way."

It only took me a few seconds to grab a coat and jump in my car and when she opened the door to let me in, she quickly left it open and continued getting ready.

"Thank you so much, Niall!" she expressed from an other room before coming back. "They called me last minute."

She had traded her sweatpants for a skirt and did all she could not to look into my eyes. I could understand that the last time we saw each other was awkward and emotional but I felt awful thinking things would be cold between us from now on.

"A photoshoot?" I asked, closing the door behind me and taking my shoes off.

"Oh, I wish, no." she admitted with a sigh, rolling her eyes as she ran around, trying to put her earrings on at the same time. "Being a photographer is not what I would call 'profitable', especially when you're a freelancer. I had to take a second job to pay the bills, you know how it is."

I kept quiet because I had no idea what it was. I did work my ass off all the time, doing something I adored, but not knowing if i'll have enough money to eat next week isn't something that ever happened to me.

I couldn't pretend it didn't break my heart to find out she was struggling so much and i was tempted to propose her a few solutions that I thought about. I decided against it, remembering we weren't on the best terms at the moment, but took a mental note to have a discussion with her later.

"I work in a hotel, at the restaurant during the day, and at the bar in the evening." she told me, raising her nose in a grimace. "I know, not really glamorous, but some clients pay very well."

I pressed my lips together, keeping my comments to myself, and let my eyes roam around.

"Where's Chelsea?"

"She's getting ready. She's very excited to spend the day with you. Be prepared, your day is going to be extremely long."

With a chuckle, she looked up and our eyes met, making her smile falter but mine grow. She breathed in and sighed as I took a step closer, keeping my eyes into hers.

"I'm sorry for the other day." i apologized in a very low tone. "I didn't want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you."

Without thinking, I brought my hand to her cheek and she held her breath as my fingertips brushed against her skin. I could feel my heart throb all over my body until she took a step back and looked away, bending down to grab a toy and throw it in the hall.

"It's okay Niall." she let out, grabbing her purse and opening it to look for something in it, once again not looking at me. "We both made mistakes and now it's over, let's move on."

I didn't know if she wanted to move on from this uncomfortable situation between us, or if she wanted us to give up on the feelings we weren't sure we had, but I didn't like it. I didn't really have time to ask her to elaborate.

"Okay so I'm gonna leave you a key of the apartment, but I thought you'd want to babysit her at your place. Either way I don't mind. Don't turn off you phone, leave the sound on, and if you have any problem, just call Louis, he will know what to do."

I nodded as she kept talking, grabbing her coat and putting it on. I couldn't help but think it was too cold outside for the outfit she wore but I kept quiet.

"Chelsea! Baby! I'm leaving!" she yelled loud enough for our daughter to hear before lowering her tone. "No junk food, no chocolate or trust me she'll make you regret it. Fruits, yogurt, ice cream, it's all good. She hates fish, too, and don't let her boss you around."

I had no idea how I was supposed to remember all of this but I just nodded, trying to engrave her recommendations in my brain, although I was pretty sure I was going to forget half of them.

"I'll text you when I'm done so you can tell me where you are and I'll just pick Chelsea up, okay?" she didn't wait for my answer and handed me a key. "There, lock behind you will you?"

Without thinking, she moved closer and I held my breath but she quickly stopped herself and turned around just as Chelsea entered the room. The dynamic they had together and that intense connection was something that fascinated me, especially since it seemed like they didn't even see it. She bent down and Chelsea let herself fall in her arms. They hugged for a while, and I noticed she was whispering something in her ear. My daughter nodded a few times and pulled away as they smiled to each other before moving closer again and brushing their noses against each other's. it made me chuckle low and my ex girlfriend finally got up, caressing her face gently.

"I really need to go, good luck, Niall."

She pressed her hand gently on my shoulder and it took me by surprise, accelerating my heartbeats for a few seconds but when I heard the door close behind her, I turned to Chelsea and sent her a smile, raising my eyebrows.

"Happy to spend the day with me?"

"Are you gonna show me where you live?" she asked with a frown, ignoring my question.

"Mmhm, if you want to!"

She clapped her hands a few times, a large smile on her lips, and grabbed her pink backpack, throwing it over her shoulders

"I'm ready!"

"Woa, Chels, you may need a coat and something to put on your head too, don't you think?"

She giggled but nodded as I started searching for her stuff but when I looked back at her, she was already dressing up. She struggled a bit but I bent down to help her with the sleeves of her coat before grabbing the beanie and pulling it on her head, over her eyes. She laughed more but stayed that way until I moved the beanie up slightly, allowing her to see. I took the scarf and put it around her neck and finally, I tilted my head, asking her if she was ready. She nodded frenetically and I laughed, getting back up and grabbing the bag her mother prepared.

I locked and we walked to my car. I was nervous and excited but I didn't know if I was going to succeed this test, because that's exactly how it felt like : a test. One that I was making myself try to pass, at least.

I made sure her seat belt was tied correctly and couldn't help but glance back at her through the mirror as we drove in silence. When we walked in my house, I turned the lights on and her eyes roamed all over the living room. Her lips parted and after a few seconds, she turned to me and grinned.

"This is where you live?" I nodded and she turned again to look at my Christmas tree. "Why don't you use lights of all colors?"

She quickly turned to me and frowned as I chuckled.

"I don't know, do you prefer multicolored lights?" I asked, glancing at the soft white lights in my tree.

Without even thinking, she nodded firmly and I bent down again, unzipping her coat and helping her getting undressed.

"I'll remember that, then."

I put our coats away and we both sat on the couch. She put her backpack between her legs and quickly opened it, placing books, movies and a few toys between us.

"What do you want to do today, Chelsea?"

"You're gonna read me stories, and we will watch movies, and we will play with my favorite barbies, and we will eat, too."

"Are you hungry?"

She nodded and I told her to leave her stuff on the couch and to follow me to the kitchen. I ended up making grilled cheese for both of us and we ate quickly in silence until she just looked up at me to stare. I sent her a smile and raised my eyebrows, watching her take a sip of her glass of milk before putting it back on the table, now looking at me with a milk mustache. I tried to keep my laughter inside and just licked my lips.

"Is everything okay, Chelsea?"

Without answering my question, she tilted her head. I grabbed my water bottle and she waited until I was literally drinking from it to talk again.

"Are you my new daddy?"

I choked on my water, trying not to spill it everywhere, and coughed a few time.

"What?"

"I saw you and mommy kissing the other day after the fireworks."

She was probably half asleep and had imagined it but who could blame her? I remembered holding her mom's face so close to mine that our lips brushed. I remembered being so close to kiss her that my heartbeats were erratic. I remembered feeling her warm breath against my lips. These thoughts made me shiver and I cleared my throat, trying to find a good answer. We hadn't kissed, but my daughter couldn't understand the complexity of the relationship her mother and I were in.

"Would you want me to be your new daddy, Chelsea?"

The answer was important for me, but she just shrugged and looked down at her plate. I waited a few seconds and she finally looked up.

"I want my daddy to come back."

I felt my heart jump so high in my chest that I had to swallow, as if it went close to escape by my throat. I could read sadness in her eyes and I felt extremely bad. She was only four and was already suffering from not having a father in her life.

"Where do you think your dad is, Chels?"

She tilted her head and squinted, lost in her thoughts.

"I think he's busy being a princess."

This time, I was glad I wasn't drinking water because I would have definitely choked on it for good.

"A princess?"

"Yes." she nodded. "He can't be here with me because he has to take care of a whooooole kingdom."

"That makes sense, but why a princess? Why not a king or a prince?"

"Princesses have more fun, and they can wear nice dresses like the ones mommy buys for me." she explained, making my lips curl. "I'm sure my daddy prefers to be a princess."

Her mind was intriguing but also incredible, and that made me realize I had never really been close to a little girl. No one close to me had a daughter I really interacted with, and the fact that Chelsea was my daughter suddenly made me extremely proud.

"No matter where your father is, Chelsea, he loves you, he cares for you, and he's thinking about you. And I know he would give anything to be with you, if he could."

She nodded and sent me a warm smile that made me hold my breath. I desperately wanted to tell her it was me, that there was nothing I wanted more than to be her father, but I kept it inside and brought our plates to the counter.

"You remember that shirt you wear to bed?" I asked her as we walked back to the living room. "Would you like to hear some of their songs?"

Her eyes opened wide and she looked up at me, her chin raised up.

"Do you think my daddy likes that band?"

"No doubt."

I put my spotify on the television to make sure the music would invade the room and when I turned around, Chelsea was sitting on the couch. She looked extremely tiny on my gigantic couch and it made me chuckle. She leaned her head on it to look at the ceiling as I started the first song.

I started with "Can't get you outta my mind" and sat next to her, leaning my head exactly the way she was. She waited about a minute after the song was over and I turned my head to look at her.

"What did you think?"

She stared at me and frowned slightly.

"I want to hear an other one."

Her attitude made me laugh and I started "She's a sensation". I closed my eyes and when the song was over, I let the next one play on random and felt my heart twist when "I won't let it happen" started. For some reason, the lyrics really hit me and I tried to keep my feelings in, turning to Chelsea again.

"So?"

"I like them." she just expressed, nodding slowly.

"Yea, me too."

My phone beeped and I grabbed it, to check the notifications.

'I heard you were babysitting. Freddie and I are coming over!'

I grimaced at Louis' message but decided to ask Chelsea what she wanted. I was not against seeing Louis, but at the same time, it was going on so well and easily with my daughter that I was not sure I really needed him.

"Louis and Freddie want to come over, what do you say?"

"YESSSSS!!!"

I watched her throw her tiny arms in the air and it made me laugh as I answered Louis' message. I was ready to give her anything she wanted, and although I knew it could be dangerous, seeing Chelsea happy was pretty much my only motivation for... everything.

"Maybe we could order a pizza for dinner?" I proposed. "What do you prefer on yours?"

"Cheese and mushrooms!"

"Mushrooms?" I asked with a chuckle. "Really?"

She nodded quickly and I decided to put on a movie she had brought while I would order. She sat better on the couch to watch what I thought was 'Open Season" and I walked to my room, sitting on it as I ordered pizza with my phone. As soon as I hung up, my phone beeped again.

'Order pizza, Neil. We're hungry!'

His message made me laugh and I shook my head, only sending him the emoji of a thumb up. For the first time since I found out Chelsea was my daughter, I felt at peace. I knew I would have to tell her who I really was at some point, but I didn't want to focus on that. I wanted to focus on spending time with her, getting to know her, and allowing her to get to know me too. I wanted to be a part of her life and it seemed like we got off to a good start, and I didn't want it to end.

#niall horan #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan writing #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan fan fic #niall horan daddy #niall #niall fluff #niall story #niall writing #niall fanfic #niall fan fic #niall fanfiction #daddy!niall #my fanfics #ehh idk man is it remotely ok?

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fae-fucker · 5 years

Text

Review: Cinder

by Marissa Meyer

A forbidden romance.

A deadly plague.

Earth’s fate hinges on one girl . . .

CINDER, a gifted mechanic in New Beijing, is also a cyborg. She’s reviled by her stepmother and blamed for her stepsister’s sudden illness. But when her life becomes entwined with the handsome Prince Kai’s, she finds herself at the centre of a violent struggle between the desires of an evil queen – and a dangerous temptation.

Cinder is caught between duty and freedom, loyalty and betrayal. Now she must uncover secrets about her mysterious past in order to protect Earth’s future.

This is not the fairytale you remember. But it’s one you won’t forget.

I DNF’d this book several years ago, probably soon after it came out. I thought the intro was super boring and ended up forgetting this book for literal years.

But, through peer pressure and hype, I decided to give it another shot.

And I’m glad I did! Once I got past the very dull first chapters, I was quickly pulled into the plot and found myself staying up late to finish the book.

A positive review? From ME? I know: wild:

The Writing

I’ve always been open about the fact that I don’t enjoy “pretty” prose. I find it very distracting and unimportant, personally. Which means that I, for the most part, enjoyed Meyer’s writing! It wasn’t usually in the way, and didn’t distract from the plot while still being well-crafted enough to convey the characters’ personalities.

I did find myself skimming a lot of the longer descriptions and action sequences, however. They often felt a bit confusing and sometimes unecessary as I knew the outcome of each, and in the case of descriptions, didn’t feel like I needed more than I picked up from the context clues within the scene.

Overall, I can’t remember a single gorgeous nor a single terrible quote, which is, like, pretty neat, I think.

The Characters

I honestly don’t have much to say in this department, I think the main cast were all well-written and developed for their respective roles.

Cinder was by far my favorite, with Dr. Erland a close second. Cinder was spunky and strong while still feeling like a person with insecurities and weaknesses, instead of being a 24/7 snark-machine. I found myself especially charmed by her massive crush on Kai, usually I think that shit is obnoxious in YA, but here it felt innocent and sweet, and the fact that Cinder herself acknowledged it and accepted it was refreshing.

Iko and Peony and the rest of the family all serve their purposes well. Even Adri, whom I found to be comically evil at times, still showed some depth every now and then. Pearl was probably the most boring of all the family members, I definitely think she could’ve used some more depth, but oh well, this is just the first book in a series and she’s a minor character, so I’m not too disappointed.

My biggest disappointment is probably Kai himself. I found him to be … very generic. I do like how kind and sweet and obvious he is with his feelings for Cinder, it’s so unheard of in YA where everyone’s brooding and obtuse at all times, so that was defo a plus, but other than that, I think he could’ve used more flaws. Or more good qualities. Or … any qualities, really. Even now I can’t really pinpoint any particular personality trait that guy has.

The Story

So, first things first: this isn’t really a Cinderella retelling. Which is fine! But I was expecting something more faithful, and that’s not what I got.

Cinder makes use of the iconic imagery of Cinderella, but it’s so awkward and inconsequential that it sticks out like a sore thumb. They’re introduced as subtly as shining a spotlight on a nuclear explosion (one character directly compares Cinder’s orange car to a pumpkin) and then discarded in one final scene, and after that the book has nothing to do with the fairytale at all. I get that it doesn’t have to be 100% faithful, but the marketing suggested more than what amounted to a bunch of shallow references.

But, despite that, I still think the story is probably this book’s strongest asset. It introduces new complications and escalates the conflict smoothly while skillfully juggling Cinder’s inner struggles as well as her blooming romance with Kai. Honestly, the best thing I can say about the romance is how restrained it was. There wasn’t any pretense about the depth of their LUURV, they were just two sweet teenagers with crushes, and I loved reading their interactions. One thing I would’ve liked to see is Kai’s POV when he interacted with Cinder, because I never really got why he’s into her. I mean, I can guess, because she’s pretty neat, but it would’ve been nice to see her from his eyes.

(I know usually seeing the protag from the love interest’s perspective means lots of worthless wank, but I’d trust Meyer to do it right.)

I don’t really want to spoil any more of the plot, so I’ll end it there, but I will say that if you’re older than 15, you’ll probably see the twist coming the moment the first hint is dropped, which I suppose it comes with the genre. There was a minor twist that did surprise me, mostly because it was also an organic part of the previous worldbuilding and had a natural explanation outside of the twist, so clearly Meyer is capable of writing decent twists, which makes me wonder why the main twist wasn’t hidden better.

The Worldbuilding

This book suffers from Selectionitis, aka All Countries On Earth Have Glooped Together In The Future For Some Reason. Except here it’s worse as now the continents ??? have Glooped Together??? Luckily it’s not as relevant here than it was in The Selection, so it’s not dwelled on long enough to get Uncomfortable beyond the initial implications. I’m not wholly comfy with this choice, but other people with more knowledge have talked about it already, so I’ll just leave it at that.

(Diversireads has a breakdown of all the racist and orientalist issues in the worldbuilding of Cinder.)

There’s also a new race of people introduced called Lunars, who have Space Magic, and the book sort of jokes that it’s space magic but also tries to explain it using mumbo jumbo science-y terms that does it no favors.

Tbh, I’m perplexed as to why Meyer decided to set this on earth in the first place. There are few references to the real world outside of place names, and it’s far enough into the future that there’s been more world wars (but Cinder’s car is still somehow functional, alright), and the aforementioned Glooping, I wonder why she didn’t just make up a planet. I suppose it’s easier for a younger YA audience to absorb familiar concepts instead of having to introduce a completely new world.

BUT, whatever. It serves its purpose and has an internal consistency, and I didn’t find myself questioning everything as I read, so tbh, it could’ve been much, much worse.

The Conclusion

Cinder is a breath of fresh air and a total surprise! I can see now why it’s as popular as it is. It definitely has flaws, as does any book, but I think I can recommend this to people with a good conscience. It’s a fun read that you don’t have to turn your brain off to enjoy but doesn’t require too much effort to get through. The writing is breezy, the characters are charming, the plot is intense (once you get past the first 5 chapters), and the worldbuilding is solid, if problematic.

I look forward to Scarlet, so do let me know if you want me to review that one as well once I’ve read it.

Also, do send in suggestions for what you want me to review next!

#book review #repost #cinder

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