#whatever happens first and we all know it won't be getting better so therapy's gonna be fun on wednesday | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

trashlie · 5 months

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it's good to see you around again, I missed reading your long ILY posts, hope you're doing better too :) if you ever share your thoughts on the latest couple of episodes (including fp) here, I'd be super excited to read them! I'm really curious how you think the timeline is gonna go from here - especially relating to Shin-Ae and Nolan since it feels like they are the last pieces that need to fall into place so everything is ready for the post-timeskip story to go down. like you, I was so sure Nol and Shin-Ae were going to have some kind of reconciliation before he goes to jail but WELP rip 3 day extension. Poor guy though, Yui showing up in his hospital room must have been extremely triggering, it made sense that he did everything to get outta there ASAP. It's worrying me that this series of negative interactions (Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui) could've undone everything positive Shin-Ae Dieter Soushi Nana did, and now therapy during jail time could either have a positive or negative effect, so Nol is a Schroedinger's cat for now.... At least some things got cleared up and Shin-Ae is now starting to understand the root of the problem (= Yui) (and it actually really makes sense that she had to figure it out herself instead of Nol telling her - the boy obviously isn't ready to talk) so we made some progress.... But istg with this upcoming separation arc 2.0 it feels so much like we're gonna be back at ground zero after the first time skip. Fingers crossed they reconcile in whatever way before the big time skip though. we need a somewhat positive conclusion to this arc before season 1 ends, because if not then what was all this build up for, and why now? What about the realizations? the "convince me"? What about "if you won't let me have you"? If their reconciliation is only going to happen after multiple years of "conflict" between them that would be so cruel....

AND SHIN-AE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN HER BANDANA BACK and now he's stealing her lines too SDGDADSF;SDF

Waaaahhhhh thank you, friend!!! As you can probably tell, I'm still trying to get myself back here fully and figure out how to balance everything, which has always been a struggle ;~; I really may resort to telling my friends to ignore me and yell at me until I get certain posts written up so I'll stop procrastinating because there are SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO WRITE ABOUT EPISODES I WANT TO RECAP AND TALK ABOUT!!!! BUT THE ORGANIZING MYSELF!!!! IS THE PART THAT'S SO DIFFICULT!!!!!!!!

One of the great things about the ILY discord server is that we have this very constant, active conversation going on at all times so it's SO easy to be very present and active, but I also find that it means it's more difficult for me to regulate myself, or I'll have that feeling that I JUST talked about something and so when I try to write about it over here, it feels like a hollow echo and I know that's just because I was just having the conversation so that's just something I need to work on dealing with lol

But I want to answer this before we move so far away from when you asked this!!!!! As expected, there are FP spoilers ahead for eps 246 through 249!!!!!

I!!!! DO NOT KNOW!!!!!!! LMAO Like. GOD. I feel like quimchee has thrown us curveball after curveball and when we sit down and think about how long this period of December 21 and the post December 21 arc has been, how much the story has weaved around?! There are so many things that have occurred that I NEVER expected and, like you, it's just everything I thought has clearly gone out the window. Part of it, I think, is the result of quimchee having to change the arrangement of her story, and god I would love to pick her brain about the things that changed, since Nol's injury was supposed to happen at the formal itself, we never would have had this extended period of hospital time, and it seems like everything about Nol and Shinae coming to realization with their feelings would have played out in a wholly different way than what we ended up getting, so on some level I think this is partly that quimchee, too, is sort of throwing herself cureveballs in that there are things she knows needs to happen and she isn't sure where or how to fit the other elements in? But that's just my guess.

On the one hand, I do feel very "WHAT WAS THE EXTENSION FOR IF NOT FOR RECONCILIATION?!" but beyond Stalkyoo, we have gotten a LOT of good stuff out of this period of time. We see Kousuke facing his cognitive dissonance for, perhaps, the first time, and the revelation that Yui has been drugging him (and likely for a long time, given the way Hansuke describe the dosage Kousuke had and that it merely knocked him out), and more than that, making those connections between Nol and Yui and tea, and wanting to face him. I'm STILL proud of him for wanting to go back and see Nol again, even after he couldn't face him, even after Hansuke found him on the floor of a public bathroom hugging a toilet from the remorse and guilt and perhaps shame of the realization of the ways he has hurt people - has hurt Nol! - who didn't deserve it. We have seen that Rand and Yujing are, in fact, working on something behind the scenes, that Rand is facing Yui as a real adversary now, not just someone who has been resigned to endure her for so many years now, but to actually fight against her. The entirety of Nol's birthday celebration could not have happened the way it did had he not been in the hospital, since he would have had to turn himself in, and while maybe the original plan was that they celebrated his birthday with Minhyuk's coming home party, I'm.... not sure if that would have been the case?

But at at any rate, I do acknowledge that despite the fact that it feels like Nol might be back at square one, that he and Shinae are back where they started in 151, such significant events HAVE taken place that I think will still affect the narrative future of ILY. I still feel strongly that part of Nol's trajectory is coming to terms with the fact that he does, indeed, belong here. That he isn't someone who wasn't meant to be, that he doesn't belong here. He belongs, and he deserves love. He is someone, not nothing. I still think one of his greater arcs will involve coming to embrace this, and while the negative events - Kousuke, Alyssa, Yui - feel like they could be setting him back, he is now equipped with knowledge and feelings he wasn't before. It can't hurt him the same. In fact, I think part of why his confrontation with Alyssa went the way it did was because he had had this experience with Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi, it illuminated everything that was so wrong with his relationship with Alyssa, how neither of them really know each other. It's that sense of foiling that allows him to put his foot down and say enough is enough. Even before it was revealed that Alyssa had come with Yui, it was clear that Nol was over the visit. Don't get me wrong - I understand why he couldn't see that Alyssa clearly was not well, that she was uncomfortable, that she had come to him with no one else to go to, much as he'd gone to Kousuke in the past when he lost his mom, and I also understand why he did the same thing Kousuke did and turned her away. But the point I'm getting at is, it feels like there was a shift. That birthday celebration illuminated something for Nol.

So it's kind of like, while it feels like this might have undone the progress Nol made, it can't undone the revelations he's had, and in that same way, it cannot cast shadow on his enlightenment. He is not the same Nol he was a week ago. Too much has changed, he's become aware of too much, and as such, he is going to respond differently to what comes his way, and while he may continue to try what he had originally intended, I think the difference is that he's now been made aware of things that impact the choices he makes.

But largely I don't really know what I expect just yet. I think it's very pointed that the lawyer reminded Shinae that she has his phone number; I don't think that would be called out if it wasn't going to be important in some way, but in terms of how are we going from here to there? Unsure lol. I think there HAS to be a resolution of some kind, whether it's a reconciliation or not, because Shinae is on this momentum swing that isn't going to stop until she crashes into something or she comes into a force of nature that stops her. Nothing, no one, has been able to reach her or get through to her, and I know it's just because of how much she's hurting, but she's lashing out at people and hurting THEM like a street cat swiping at people trying to help her. She's so terrified of losing Nol, especially now that he came back, especially now that she gave him the option to leave and he didn't and it rekindled that hope she gave him an opening to leave when it would have been easier and he didn't which just made it worse, because so much more was at stake. She can't stop fighting she can't stop trying because she cannot bear what it means to lose him for real this time, not when she finally had him back, not when that realization has come to her even if she won't admit it. She needs him, so what's going to make her give up?

Something has to transpire, whether it's a reconciliation or Nol pushing her away and really shattering her heart or something awful like that, to bring her to a halt, because I can't imagine how we would move into our mini time skip to spring/graduation with Shinae like this, right? So I think there must be some kind of resolution. My foolish, hopeless self wants so badly to hope for reconciliation but esp after 249 I am SO torn. I have two thoughts.

a. they reconcile. She can reach him, and convince him, and even though he is so afraid, he is also someone who folds in front of her, he struggles to resist her. He told her to convince him and boy she can convince him and even though he tells himself he isn't sure if these feelings are real because what if it's just because she's NICE to him I think hearing her confess her feelings would tell him how he feels and give him the answer.

b. But the alternative feels like a parallel to Nessa and Rand, because Nessa, too, was hurt over and over by someone who kept getting her hopes up and getting hurt by him. Shinae gave Nol the opportunity to leave and he didn't, he stayed and doing so sparked her hope, made her feel things, they shared these tender, intimate moments together and forced that realization to come to mind, but for him to push her away again, for her safety, to make choices on her behalf even though she's told him she hates that and she doesn't want him to. Imagine her pulling a Nessa and calling him scum lfkjajkfkjfjkfaj ;A;!!!!! Imagine her so angry and hurt and resentful and saying awful things she doesn't mean and GOD I feel like it can go only one of these ways because what ELSE is going to stop her in her tracks?!

And I really want a reconciliation because parting like this sets them up for SO. MUCH. STRIFE. Because we know one way or another Shinae is going to end up taking Yui's offer and if Nol leaves on these terms, he would end up thinking she's following in Alyssa's footsteps doing so, not understanding WHY she's doing, not understanding that this is Shinae's only way of protecting herself, learning to speak Yui's language and play her game.

and idk I know I'm a hopeful optimist reading a webtoon that proves to me over and over that I cannot be a hopeful optimist but LMAO GOD I WANT SHINAE TO CONVINCE THAT DUMBO

I've said it before that convincing him doesn't mean they have to get into a relationship. Just. Reconcile. She's so afraid of LOSING HIM, thinking that once he slips away he's out of her grasp, her sight, for good, that she will lose the best thing that happened to her and I WANT THAT RECONCILATION. I want her to convince him, for both their sakes. So that he knows he has someone he can go back to. So that she knows he's not just throwing her away. So that she doesn't have to fear losing something so precious and important.

Am I foolish and hopeful for hoping for that outcome? Maybe, but it won't stop me LMAO because as delicious and angsty as Shinae and Nol following in Ressa's footsteps with Nol hurting her again and leaving her so hurt and angry is, I want to see them on that same page. I want to see Shinae convince him - convince him why he is so important to her, and that his feelings are real. That's the thing, right, like.... you can tell yourself that your feelings aren't real, but if the person you like confesses to you, your heart will inevitably betray you and respond to the confession. Nol fears for Shinae's safety but important puzzle pieces are falling into place. She has figured what he fears the most - and if she thinks hard enough she'll realize how she can use that to her "advantage", in that Rand has told her Yui will never let her go, that it doesn't matter if Nol leaves or not. It goes back to my oft repeated sentiment of them needing to be on the same page, to be a team, because his absence will not protect her. And between what Rand told her, plus her anecdotes about Kousuke's birthday and how Yui treated her even before the formal, and what Yujing told Nol about Kousuke being drugged by Yui, maybe, just MAYBE that conclusion that wasn't only him all along will finally hit him. I know he can't change over night, that he has so many deeply ingrained fears that won't be easily assuaged, but I have to hope that a confession from Shinae can convince him that the alternative is worse. Convince him to fight along side her ;A;

I go back and forth on this thought but I think this is strongly what I feel right now. That reconciliation could still be around the corner, even if it's just an admission and a promise to not push her away. Shinae is tired of people acting on her behalf, tired of not getting a say, and especially in something that involves her heart, her feelings?

Go fight girl and maybe bite him if that's what it takes ;A;

STEALING HER BANDANA. HER LINES. HERT HEART. THIS MAN DESERVES TO BE LOCKED AWAY

ALFJLFJLFKJLAFKJLKFJALKFJ

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY Ask #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #Shinae Yoo #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Stalkyoo #Aegi #oh you know just me wailing into the night about stalkyoo nbd alkfjjkafjkafjkajfkajfjaf lmao #I PLANNED TO ANSWER THIS AND BE CHILL BUT I DON'T HAVE CHILL and then when i was wailing about Shinae giving Nol the chance to leave and ho #part of why she is so desperate is she can't lose him again not when she almost did not when he came back not when she gave him the chance #to leave and he chose to stay and saw the parallel to Nessa and Rand and it was just ALL DOWNHILL FROM THERE LMAO #AGONY #ANGUISH #PLS PLS PLS LET ME GET WHAT I WANT #lmao #plssssssssssssssssssssss #can you imagine how awful it would be if they didn't reconcile until post time skip?!#jesus christ HOW do you even reconcile after that?!#HOWLS FOREVER

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butmakeitgayblog · 11 months

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Do you have any advice for fan fiction writers who aren't getting many readers etc? I feel like giving up some days but I love writing and find fan fiction my personal therapy if that makes sense. I'd love any advice you can give or any suggestions. 💕

Well, honestly I'm not any kind of authority so take whatever I say with a grain of salt. Because honestly, I never really thought I'd get any kind of following to begin with 😕 this surprised me, and still does to this day, more than anyone. When I started posting my first fic (very nervously and through the feeling like I was going to throw up) I thought "well, I'll just write a few chapters and probably no one will ever read it and I'll get bored and it'll be out of my system." And now here we are, and I have no idea how that happened 😳

What advice I can give is, you can't write for the sake of other people. I know that sounds cheap as hell because the whole point of sharing fic is to get feedback and interact with others in the fandom, but really at the heart of it you have to just write stories that you like and you want to read above everything else. Keep writing. Keep growing. Keep refining your work and your style so no matter what the view count is, you know you're becoming a better writer regardless. And truth be told, you never know what idea or fic will hit with readers and what won't. You may write something and think oh no one is gonna gaf about this and then out of nowhere, that's what people love. It happens more than you know.

Another thing is - and this is going to sound harsh at first but bear with me please - in this day and age sadly you have to manage your expectations. Not because you don't deserve more readers or comments or because your work isn't good, but because the culture of fandom and fanfic/fanart is changing, and not for the better. There's dozens of posts that make the rounds on here passively warning people about how a lot of writers and artists are getting burned out and fed up with the lack of reciprocal community from their audience. Tiktok and IG and all that shit has kind of ruined the landscape of fandom because now everything is seen as just consumption based. More and more people read a fic and move on, binge a show and move on, burn through a fandom's entire AO3 content in 3 months and move on, and it sucks. I mean when you look at fandoms of old, the days of Xena and Buffy for example, a lot of those fans are still around and still participating and still creating work even though the show/fandom/ships are long gone. You don't really see that loyalty much anymore, and it becomes a cycle of the fandom shrinking and then the feedback and comments and support grinds to a halt, and then creators stop feeling like wasting hours of their life to pour themselves into work that gets maybe a handful of comments even though they see hundreds or thousands of people have read it. It just sucks all around. So expecting to see the numbers that a fic did even 3-5 years ago, sadly, just isn't going to happen.

BUT

I do also know this, the Clexa fandom has been one of the best fandoms I've ever been in, both as just a fan on the outskirts and someone who tries to contribute. I've found Clexas to be funny and welcoming and we have a core group of fucking awesome and loyal, supportive readers, but the thing is you have to keep going. Sometimes building an audience and a regular group of readers takes time. Name recognition matters. Yes there are writers out there that are just synonymous with the fandom, but there's other writers (hi yes hello me, I mean me lol) who came late to the party and it's taken some time to get people to see their work. Tagging things and reblogging, talking in tags, reaching out to other people in the fandom and making friends who want to help you with your work because you help support theirs. All that stuff. It makes a difference. Damn near every week or so I get a new reader saying "wow idk how I hadn't heard of you before/read your stuff before but I'm glad I found it, keep going!" And that 100% will never have even the possibility of happening if you stop writing!

In the end, you just have to decide what's best for you. If this feels incredibly unhelpful I truly am sorry, I wish I had better advice to give you but I'm as clueless to this all as you are. But 2 things I do know for sure without a doubt? One, there is a place for you in any fandom, and your work does matter. There is an audience out there who want to read what you have to write and they'll love it. And two, in the end just be kind to yourself. Love yourself and be proud of yourself for trying, and for being creative and growing your work. Fanfic is supposed to be fun, writing about your favorite blorbos is meant to be fun, even if more often than not it feels like the equivalent of just dancing alone in your kitchen. Ya get what I mean?

#anon #writing

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anonymousewrites · 2 years

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Adolescent Antichrist (Book 2) Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten: I Won't Call You Grandma

“You want me to…skip school?” asked (Y/N). They deadpanned. “What’s happening? If you wanted me to rebel, you’d want me to just do it myself. Ordering me around would defeat the purpose.”

“Well…” said Lucifer hesitantly.

“Lucifer, you should tell them,” said Amenadiel, whose presence had clued (Y/N) in to the fact that something serious was going on.

“It could affect them,” agreed Emeranne.

“Seriously, does everyone else know?” muttered (Y/N). They crossed their arms. “Come on. A few days ago, an angel tried to kill me. I don’t think it’ll surprise me.”

Lucifer took a sip of his alcohol before responding. “Well, Uriel had Azrael, the Angel of Death’s, sword, and I buried it. But some idiot has dug it up and given it to the human masses to cause chaos, and now we’re on a trip to stabby town.”

Okay, I admit I was wrong. (Y/N) looked in confusion to Emeranne. “I feel like I’m still missing something.”

“Humans get crazy angry when they have the sword, so they’re gonna kill anyone who annoys them.” Emeranne shrugged. “We’d all prefer for you to not get anywhere near that knife.”

Lucifer nodded. “So, while we figure out where it is, my mother will be making sure you’re.”

“I’ve been fired,” muttered Emeranne.

“No offense, but your mother can be worse torture than being stabbed,” said (Y/N) frankly.

“She’s been…improving,” said Lucifer with, honestly, not much hope in his voice.

“Fine, but I have one of my last therapy appointments today,” said (Y/N), resigning themself to their fate of being cuddled and fawned over all day (some people would love it. (Y/N) would not). “So I’ll behave as long as she takes me there.”

“Have no fear, with two demons, the devil, and an angel on the hunt, we’ll find Azrael’s Blade in no time,” said Lucifer confidently.

Well, that was a total lie, thought (Y/N) grumpily.

“God, Charlotte’s children are so young and…human,” said Missy, brushing their hair as (Y/N) deadpanned. “They’re always making messes!”

“They are…children,” said (Y/N). “You’re a mom, you know what kids are like.”

“My children were lovely and well behaved,” said Missy primly.

(Y/N) deadpanned. “Have you met Lucifer?”

“Teenage rebellion is a completely different thing,” said Missy. She turned and looked at the different outfits she had picked out. “Now…I think this one would look darling on you.”

She was holding a red dress, (Y/N)’s color, yes, but the frills weren’t their style. More simplistic with less layering would work better for them. In fact, (Y/N) had been doing designs for their own dress, but since they hadn’t mastered sewing something so complicated, they were going to go shopping for one first and then study its construction to learn to replicate it.

“Yeah, no…” said (Y/N). Missy pouted, and they sighed. “Okay, okay, how about this? We can go shopping together next week, but I get to have more say.”

Missy grinned. “Well, I’ve always wanted a grandchild. It was the only thing about humans that I…” her pride didn’t want her to admit it “envied.”

A small smile appeared on (Y/N)’s face. “I won’t call you Grandma,” they said, even if their smile suggested more care than their words. They cleared their throat and glanced at the clock. “I’ve got to go to my therapy appointment.” They ran a hand through their soft hair. “Thanks for the hair. I usually just roll out of bed and go with whatever it decides.”

Missy smiled. “It was no problem. I’ll see when Charlotte’s schedule is clear next week. Even if I have to steal you from school, we’re going shopping.”

“Fine with me, you’d be saving me from hell on earth,” said (Y/N). Missy is a little on the dramatic side, but I can see why Lucifer cares about her. She tries to be a good person. I guess she turned out to not be so bad.

“I’m here to see Dr. Wilson,” said (Y/N) to the secretary of the therapy office.

“She’s in her office. Her previous client should be leaving in a few minutes. You can go wait in the hall,” said the secretary.

(Y/N) nodded and walked to the door. Hearing some people speaking inside, they leaned on the wall to wait. Inside, they could hear some sobs, but since therapy often involved tears, it wasn’t a huge problem. However, (Y/N) froze as the sound was abruptly cut off, not by Dr. Wilson’s words, but a slicing sound. It sounded sickeningly like a knife sinking into meat. Or a person.

Part of them knew they should run, but a deeper part of them wanted to act immediately. And that part one out as shadows lifted pushed them forward to the door. (Y/N) opened the door and found exactly what they didn’t want to see, least of all in their therapist’s office:

Their therapist pulling a bloody knife from a man’s dead body.

“Oh, (Y/N),” said Dr. Wilson, a crazed look in her eyes. “My troublesome client. You’re right on time.”

Well, shit.

Taglist:

@repostingmyfavs

@sammyscreencaps-13

@grippleback-galaxy-galaxy

#adolescent antichrist #netflix lucifer #lucifer x reader #lucifer fic #lucifer #lucifer netflix #nb reader #gn reader #found family trope #found family #oc x reader #lucifer morningstar #lucifer x teen!reader #x teen reader #x teen!reader #teen reader

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mothlegs · 9 months

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today Sucks.

starts with stupid convo with R, basically just about how i'll be sad and lonely and miserable forever till i die, and how i'm not sick enough to get the help i need but i'm too sick to survive on my own. just bad everything. it sucked.

being at my mom's was mostly ok. she woke me up later than we agreed which was Unhappy but whatever, then my nurse calls and says they aren't doing as they said they would, and that since i was re-evaluated (can you really call it that when i was 8 at my first evaluation?) 3 whole years ago (3 years where so much has happened and i've experienced so much trauma and change) they won't re-evaluate me now, even though i had already told i'd be re-evaluated within a year.

my mom also tells me that my government lady still doesn't know anything about therapy cause the meeting keeps getting re-scheduled.

i just fucking want help but that's not an option. i don't get help. it'll never get better, no one is ever going to help me and i'll die like this

and this is so fucking stupid but someone (mom or R i genuinely dont remember which, i talked language with them both today) said something about not liking russian, and when i said that i really like russian she just said No. like. idk it feels stupid and silly but it really bothers me cause i really like russian!! i just hate hate hate the concept of disliking entire languages. languages are so cool and interesting and important and i love love love languages, all languages, so much, just all the tiny details and differences and histories and everythings i love so so much.

idunno. everything feels bad and stupid and it all hurts and it's never gonna get better. it still feels like july

#moth having a bad time #mothicaws

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wired-migraine · 1 year

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look i know i dont vent as often on here anymore just cause im really trying to get out of this habit where i reread and rethink the same bad thought process over and over

but every time and i do mean EVERY time i bring up something my friend doesn't exactly know or i guess care about he just doesn't bother showing interest. or shits on it without going into detail why.

like today i brought up detroit become human. its whatever! not my favorite but i liked the story of Alice and Kara and also Hank and Conner. but i really LOVEd the story of sentience and coming to be. not really gameplay oriented or even really story oriented. i just brought it up and said i liked it.

my god i've heard nothing but "game didn't know what it wanted to be, the stories and characters are trash, i only liked hank cause he's the fuckin poster badass" so of course i shut up i stop talking about it cause clearly he doesn't want to talk about it. back to this fuckin streamer named destiny.

but this has happened so many times. only with things i bring up. even when i express interest in the first half (oh its not so bad i actually liked-!) it doesn't go well. we somehow always circle back to things he wants to talk about. one time i tried to talk about pokemon and he just shut that conversation down the same way, said magic was better and more strategic. fuck off i dont care about magic i want to talk about anything else for five seconds!! i'd give more direct examples but honestly i think i blocked out most of what he says and just go to the "uh huh, yeah, they did what now?" cyclical talking points

and im not gonna lie i'm getting pretty tired of it! i made fuckin vent art of me like a pull string doll just talking away! hanging on a lil back string. thats all im good for is an echo.

but i think the worst part about any of this is how GUILTY he makes me feel about it. im fr talking puppy dog eyes but i dont actually look at his face when he does it. he just makes the sound and lip thing you know the one. its gross tbh and it SUCKS because i skip my fucking break so he won't be so whiny about it. TO TALK ABOUT THE THINGS HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT

i hate it i really do. i know he's using me for therapy because he told me he wanted a female therapist. (also haven't talked about THAT either, i think we're only friends because i'm afab and a bit of a weirdo so that makes it like same league or something?? idk idc) he talks TOO much about sex and sexual activities to the point where regular conversations go back into lol i saw this anime... god i can't stand it i can tell im getting looks by the other people there because the room is too quiet i desperately need to leave this job.

he's also physical, mostly just by poking and prodding. he does hit me with a stack of papers as a joke but the jokes getting less funny. he's getting angry with how i respond. i know i can tell him to stop and he will but it'll just cycle back around to making me feel guilty that i should've told him sooner so he doesn't feel like an ass. like i guess yeah? but don't forget that you're the one that did this and i didn't feel safe telling you.

idk i just feel like as much as "good" friends we are he's desperate for attention and its really getting into my work. like i can tell when he looks at me and i hate it i hate having him just LOOK at me because and HE has told me that he had a dream of me naked. i hate it i hate it i want to burn off my skin it makes me feel so unbelievably small and worthless to be reduced to just my body and echos i hate this.

i really hate this and god forbid i tell ANYONE about it cause it comes on and off in passing and nothing will happen with it. i know i choose to sit in that fucking corner but what other option is there? because if i change if i so much as MOVE people will notice and they know we sit together and haha its so cute they're sitting NEXT to each other.

it honestly feels like i've been masking for three months and it only took the middle guy being fired to direct all this energy towards me and i hate it. i hate how i cant say no and can't talk about the things i like without feeling like a freak. i hate how he looks and straight up stares at me. i told him i can't look people in the eyes and talk at the same time and he took that as a challenge to stretch my comfort so thin that spider silk can't sew it shut.

thank god i still listen to music so i can at least focus on that (for the most part) but i can't even find respite in that because he keeps wanting that cyclical conversation that he knows i don't care about. i'm just playing the tape and hoping it wasn't a genuine question about my thoughts (it usually isn't)

#huh #vent #sorry its work related

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syubub · 3 years

Text

2021 Reading for BTS and the collective!!

Wow wow wow! I didn't disappear or get dragged away by a demon. No no, I just got thrust into unexpected shadow work and I now have an unhealthy obsession with sea shanties and a love of pasta.

I had this idea planned to be early in January but that didn't pan out so I'm doing it now. I have another yoongi reading in the works and another fun thing coming soon as well!!

I promise I won't bore you to death any longer but I hope you've all been doing well!!

Disclaimer: This is for entertainment purposes only and not to be taken as fact.

If this message doesn't apply, let it fly!

Cool cool cool.

Let's get it.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Oki. I first want to say that this I gonna be long lol. I did a meditation and gathered some little pieces of things y'all might need to hear and then I pulled cards for every month. The fountain tarot deck is the cards for us, the collective, and the rider-waite cards are for bts. It'll make more sense when I add picks and stuff. I did a little extra card pull for yoongi for the month of May too :) I'll make sure to type out all the cards in text so you know what they are (the pics are kinda wack.) I also used my pendulum to ask if there was a bts related event for every month and that's at the bottom. It's just to take in the possible energy for the month and something that could result from that energy!

LETTUCE BEGIN (hehe)

Starting with the section for the channeled messages. I want to reiterate that this was collective so if it doesn't resonate with you, the message might not be for you! Use your intuition.

(Enough talking. Damn)

So. As I said this was through meditation and connecting to the big column tree thing (I told my cousin about the tree/pillar and they were like,, "so basically a big energy dildo in the æther?" .... I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. h e l p m e) and asking if there was any messages or advice that needed to be delivered and it was... intresting?

Things came fragmented. So there was little messages like, "Its gonna be okay" and "things are changing for everyone" and "open your eyes if you want to see" (that's sassy.) There was one particular thing that was confusing me though. Straight up it was just "flower" on repeat and like a really bad picture of a flower? Like you could tell what it was but it was bad quality. Anyway, I was like "okay. Kindly shut the fuck up. Pls." And I wrote down flower, pink flower and rose. Sooo.... idk but there you go.

More messages were things like, "the block isn't in your head", "try calling forth that which you seek" and... February. Possibly there is specific (very very very loose) connection to the 10th-19th? I'm not to sure what or why but I'd say maybe look out for opportunities on these days and also maybe external events.

Continuing with dates. In the last this 21 and January 21 came up. It came up again but with 2 messages. So first, either 21st is a day where something is put into motion (possibly private or public) or announced and the second was "add them together dumbass" that's not very kind but 3. Again this has been discussed too but but but... maybe a signal of a third mixtape 👀 (not necessarily on the 21st per say but possibly in March? I'm really not sure).

Oki. I got side tracked like I always do and started thinking about tattoos and stuff and I really want koo to have a peony tattoo. I feel it in my BONES. It would suit him so well. and as I was thinking about tattoos I heard, "don't be surprised if yoongi gets/shows a tattoo this year" ??? What the fuck? I think maybe they messing with me but now I have hopes and I don't want them to be crushed and thrown to the wind :(

Back to normal stuff, "the theme is growth" I think that fits very well with the reading. "Blue might be a lucky color" self explanatory. It might be lucky. "Start practicing grounding and centering" this was LOUD. This will help you in how you react to events in the future. Really do practice this if you haven't.

This is where it gets a little weird. So, I got a message that said "start living as if you never existed." I am not a 100% sure what this means but I think I have a pretty good guess. I hate to make it sound weird like this but by sort of focusing on something that is so hard to comprehend (because our brains can't comprehend not existing very well) you kinda break the 4th wall? Like in Deadpool when he addresses the audience and is aware that he is a character played by Ryan Reynolds? anyway, focusing on something that seemingly impossible you kind of accidentally open up the floodgates for a lot of other things. I would say if you are not in the right headspace to do this don't do it but it can be a powerful way to break up the monotony of reality. The theory that everything happens simultaneously bc time isn't a linear progression events blah blah we are energy blah blah the multiverse blah blah.. Theres so so so so so so so so so much about this and how it applies to things that I could probably write you 10+ dictionaries worth of material but for the sake of simplicity and not wanting to write a novel right now, I will continue. The main lesson is to start challenging your perception of the world around you. Ask why and why and why and why. Essentially seeing cracks in the matrix. Pulling your head out of your cosmic ass, realizing that rose you're smelling is actually daffodil ect. It's not supposed to bring you fear but just kinda encouraging you to question all the things that you perceive as given truths.

I tried to make that sound cohesive but really it's such a big concept that I can't really wrap it up all nice and neat.

Oki. May and March are also important times.

Listen to your intuition and try not to take everything so seriously. I'm not saying to check out and go squat in the Himalayas but it's important to find joy in the now. Life is already tough enough so don't forget to watch a silly show that you like or change your hair to a style you've never tried, wear makeup in a very loud way. Just have fun and don't worry so much about things that you can't control. Listen to yourself and your intuition.

Well that was all over the place. Let's get on to the actual tarot part now.

For the record, the pictures are right to left.

January for the collective

We have the empress, the sun, 7 of swords and a fortune that says "act well your part; there the honor lies"

Hmm. Ngl I was a little confused to see the empress and the sun for January... I mean it hasn't been great. So I pulled clarity card 7 of swords. The 7 of swords is all about betrayal. It's about the deception and and actively getting away with things. This is people lying, cheating, sneaking and the works.

This makes much more sense!! The Sun card is usually about joy and success and happiness but in this case I see it as illuminating the betrayal. It's shining light on the deception and keeps the spotlight there. Its also an energetic card so I think that shows passion for uncovering the truth.

With the empress card too I think January is all about getting creative in all forms. Creative ways to protest, to mourn, to celebrate, to connect. Also taking in the abundance that we DO have. The beauty that surrounds us. I like to think of aphrodite energy for this. Its not just love and passion and creativity but is also asserting yourself and having strong passion for what you love and fighting for it. Did you know aphrodite was also called upon in ancient Greece in times of war? She was honored as a goddess of war but still a goddess of love, the sea, fertility ect. What I'm trying to say is that being a creative and "feminine" energy is in no way weak. Sometimes the most powerful things come from this energy. Love aggressively with good intentions. The point is that you should take whatever you're feeling and translate it into something creative or something you care about. The fact that covid is still a thing really sucks but take any rage, hurt, sadness, joy, love whatever and use that shit to make something amazing. Bake bread and punch the fuck out of it, paint your frustration, play hopscotch in higheels while you listen to heavy metal. You get the point.

Now January for BTS!!

We have the death card. (I only pulled one card bc I have things planned from this)

January has been... strange? To say the least.

This card can be a lot of things for them. I think this points to more maturity in their music? Like they've finally ditched the "shiny kpop boy band" label and are being taken seriously in the west. I also think that they're going through a musical/concept transformation~ I think it also signified the change in plans bc of the Grammys perhaps they had things planned an that fell through so they were forced to rapidly change plan/course.

For January: possible mixtape or announcement.

February for the collective

We have 8 of coins reverse and hanged man reverse.

The 8 of pentacles reverse talks a lot about self improvement. Doing that good good inner work and self care. Working on developing parts of you that you've maybe neglected. It's also learning how to work with how you are instead of wishing you weren't the way you are. If you have a therapist its a great time to maybe ask for any extra tips that you can practice daily to help you even more. Maybe exploring more into insecurities relating to finance or jobs or your passions. If you don't have a therapist but you have the means to get one I always highly recommend. You don't have to have "problems" to see a therapist. Everyone could use a non biased point of view that is literally trained to help you be you best self. If you can't get therapy, I get it. Shits tough rn but there's still things we can do to better ourselves like Journaling and reading therapy blogs or self help books (not the taky shit) or trying a hobby you fell out of touch with. There's also a lot of places where you can get therapy promise on the internet. Most importantly, better yourself in the way that you need. Take time in February to take notice of what you want to improve upon. The 8 of coins reversed does come with the warning not to get stuck in perfectionism. Go easy on yourself and if you find yourself getting frustrated when working on projects, try to take a step back and practice whatever it is in a fun way and then come back to it later

Hanged man reverse talks about knowing that you need to chill but you don't. You'll need too. Maybe you'll find yourself swept up in work and tasks and you're over whelmed and know you need to stop and catch your breath but you resist. Why? Well, perhaps you're trying to ignore reality by filling the empty spaces with things and stuff so you don't have to face what's bothering you. Not wise. Take time for yourself. There's also the flips side where people are just kinda stuck.. creative block. Maybe you want something to turn out one way and it just isn't, so your stuck and frustrated and can't move past it. Let go of your expectation of how it should be and let it be what it is. Go with the flow and maybe you'll see a new way to overcome your problem. You'll eventually get that break through that you need! The theme of February is about self improvement. Listen to yourself.

February for BTS

We have judgment.

Hehe yeah. This card is about rebirth and the inner calling. Letting go of the old to step into the new version of you. This is also a very spiritual card lol. This can talk about a new decision that you have to trust your gut on. This is a very significant card that screams comeback to me. It also can talk about sharing your struggles with a group of people and that to me sounds comeback ish. Maybe this will be an announcement in February, maybe they'll be working on it idk but this is ultimate comeback energy so I hope they utilize this for a big group project!!

February: possible BTS comeback (even my pendulum knows)

March for the collective

The chariot and justice

This plays directly off of February! With the chariot you're taking the self improvement that you've done and putting it to action! Now is the time to act on the dreams and passions that you have don't wait and hope for the best. March is about action and standing in your power.

Justice card is cause and effect and truth. What you do will have consequences good or bad. Not doing anything also has consequences. Cease the moment and make the best of it. You'll be taking responsibility for what you do. You start a business? Now you have the responsibility of running it and you get the credit. Stuff like that. Stand by your decisions with conviction and trust yourself.

There's also the side of justice that talks about bringing justice. If you've been wronged, you'll be brought justice if you stand up for yourself.

We also carry the continuous lesson of learning what we truly believe and challenge those beliefs!

March for BTS

Oki we have the hermit and the 6 of pentacles reverse.

Well... let's start with the 6 of pentacles reverse. This can really talk about being so generous and giving to everyone else that you forget about yourself. I think that maybe they might be over exerting themselves and giving so much that they're exhausted physically and emotionally as well. I think too, they take on so much of our pain like its their own? Idk but this would be a good time to do a large scale fan project to show them a little extra love!

With the hermit card it talks about a self introspection so they could be looking inward as a team and kinda evaluating their bond.

I also see this as maybe being alone as in they maybe can't physically go to the grammys? Or maybe they had been planning the rescheduled concerts and they had to be pushed back even further? Things like that. Regardless this signals re thinking/reevaluating the goals that they have and considering what direction to go in!

March: possible mixtape or solo project?

April for the collective

We have 6 of coins and 3 of cups reverse.

Let's start with the 6 of coins. It's about sharing. It can be about charity so sharing money via donation but also giving time, effort, energy to people as well. Giving knowledge is good too! It's an all round exchange. Maybe someone lends you money or you lend money to someone. It's give and take. It's a two way street. It's also a card of balanced finance. So money stuff should be looking promising around this time (for you U.S people this could point to more stimulus help as well)

And for the 3 of cups reversed... I see this as reopening of places and people struggling to find the balance. So think people who've been in lockdown celebrating by throwing a big party... yikes. This card reminds that we should be mindful of the long-term consequences that come with our actions.. maybe also people that are experiencing fear of being in public places now. This is only one facet though. Bc I think this also means in general, missing being with friends and having a renewed relationship because you've really realized how important it is to have these people that mean so much to you in your life. Don't forget that you have people that love you and want the best for you. Call them when you feel alone.

April for BTS

The heirophant

Mhmm. This one kinda gives me vibes that they'll be mentoring people? Idk but I see them more as the heirophant teaching what they've learned/ know to help guide others. HOWEVER this could also be them taking a new task under their belt. Learning something new. Since this is as a group reading I assume that this talks about the group as a whole. This card is also very tradition oriented so maybe they are taking lessons that are connected to traditional Korean culture? Maybe its for RUN or maybe its to incorporate into music and preformance. Think bts mma preformance but all of them learning together? Idk, it's just a thought (maybe wishful thinking). It also talks about seeking counseling so maybe they'll do yoongis idea from the most recent RUN.

This can also be them embracing this kind of leadership/ status.

April: I got nothing. It does feel like something though

May for the collective

Five of cups and queen of cups reversed

Five of cups is disappointment, regret and self pity. Now honestly this to me looks like possibly a tightening of restrictions yet again. Regardless of the situation that this is talking about, the best thing you can do is not wallow in the bullshit. You scrape yourself off the pavement and move foward. You'll need forgiveness of yourself and others and that if shit isn't going your way, you need to pull your head out of your ass and look around bc there's options out there. It's like drowning in a kiddie pool. Just stand up, dude. The water is like 5 inches.

Queen of cups reversed talks about self love and self care. It's more of that look inwards energy. Think about really taking care of yourself. May might be emotionally draining so you need to be ready to take care of you! Part of self care is making sure that your boundaries are well enforced.

Be on the look out for codependent behaviors. Check in with yourself.

The queen of cups is very intuitive and having it in reverse can talk about you not taking enough time to listen to it. Make an effort to meditate for like 5 minutes a day at least. Do something to let yourself connect to your intuition and higher self.

May for BTS

9 of pentacles

This about enjoying the fruits of your labor and absolute abundance and luxury. This could talk about them rolling in the dough after signing a new partnership or having a concert or something if the sort. This could also be a time where we see them buying new things like houses, cars and rings (lol) but also this could be them doing a very high production value project! Also namjoon and his bonsai army are thriving in this time!

May: possible concert or scheduled concert event. Activity of some kind.

Yoongi interlude

I asked for one card to give me an idea of what the mystical May 13th really is. I got: the star, 2 of cups, 4 of wands, the world and the sun.

Guys. I can't with this. 2 of cups is a card of union, romance, soulmate. 4 of wands is celebration, joy, homecoming, bliss. The world is completion and the sun is happiness, joy, marriage, enlightenment.

I've said it a billion times but that's some soulmate shit. So soft so cute and May will be eventful for his personal life.

June for the collective

Death and the heirophant reversed.

Wow wow wow death is transformation and a new chapter so a new way of life and something new/ different that changes how we see things. Again this could be relating to new covid things and new policies and stuff like that but also new as in new to all of us. Groundbreaking perhaps?

The heirophant reversed talks about teaching yourself. Being your own teacher and making your own path. This might be spiritual or otherwise. Challange what the world wants from you and instead listen to what you truly want bc you don't need anyone's approval. Continue to ask questions about why things are the way that they are.

June for BTS

Page of pentacles

Oki oki page of pentacles means a new creative venture and manifestation. Maybe something that they've been wanting for a while finally comes to fruition. This might be the start of a new project that they haven't done before or something cross genre? Idk but its a really good sign of being motivated for a new endeavor and manifesting any projects that they've ever wanted to do. Love this promising energy!!

June: idk

July for the collective

10 of swords and 9 of cups reversed.

10 of swords signals a painful ending. Also deceit. Its a necessary end to a long battle. The only thing you can do is control how you react in these situations. You just kinda gotta surrender into the pain and know that it's temporary. Take time to reflect on what happened and why and how it will help you grow.

The 9 of cups reversed talks about valuing stuff and material things over emotions and spiritual things. This can be talking about society in general, that we are becoming more aware to the fact that there is often more value placed on ephemeral items rather than humanity as a whole. This also can be talking about coming to the realization that we've been working so hard towards... something we don't really care about simply because we were told that it's what you do.

If you want something different to happen you have to put in effort. You can't be sitting in front of a water fountain being like, "damn. I'm thirsty. I really really want water so why isn't it in my mouth yet?" Like?? Hello? You have to take the first step, my dude.

Certainly don't try to do anything that would cost you finatial security or health.

You have the potential to find happiness within yourself. So try looking inside instead of looking outward.

July for BTS

4 of swords.

This is about rest and relaxation!

Taking time to meditate and take some time to look at what you've done objectively. Ots like the hermit in a way but much more focused on resting and relaxing so you can come back stronger and with better direction. Maybe they'll take a break for a couple days but I really see it as them reassessing options. Especially if July goes how I think it will. Maybe they'll film something like In The Soop again? Maybe we'll see bon voyage type thing? Idk. But it could be something kinda out of the spotlight? Maybe something more healing?

July: maybe something?? I'm not sure but it seems like something might be in store.

August for the collective

5 of coins and the wheel of fortune

Well let's see. 5 of pentacles talks about isolation and a negative mindset. This talks about falling on hard times but its a temporary set back. This energy can be talking about falling on hard times emotionally as well. In the card it shows a woman outside of a church shivering and cold but she's too busy thinking about all that she's lost that she doesn't notice the warm church that she could step into for shelter.

But then with he wheel of fortune that talks about fate/destiny, opportunity and luck so maybe this is a necessary loss so that a new door can open. This does kinda tie in with July as well. The end of something is painful but it's often a necessary thing. Might be a bit uncomfy but that's how things change. Again I see this maybe hinting more towards society but none the less it's definitely a theme for August to have doors closing and new ones opening so be on the lookout for that.

August for BTS

The devil.

Now don't fret. The devil talks a lot about choice. Most notably the choice between instant gratification and and something more substantial and the devil leans towards indulgence. It also has a lot to do with the shadow side. This could talk about ~scandal~ sure, but I think its more of a time where you become aware of negative patterns and you shine a light on that part you've ignored. On a much lighter note this card talks also about an incredible bond between people. It can be unhealthy if not given space or boundaries. Listen to pied piper and come back to me.

I also REALLY REALLY REALLY hope that this card points to this: sexuality. The boys have always been pretty pg when it comes to the topic of sex and embracing sexuality so I really do hope to see something more daring and grown up and exploring a tastefully sexy concept. On the same vain as sexuality this card also talks about kinks and stuff like that so don't be surprised if we get more outfits like fake love Era bondage harnesses.

August: ???

September for the collective

We have the world and 10 of wands reversed.

The 10 of wands reversed talks about carrying burden. Doing extra work and taking on more responsibility. Doing everything by yourself and carrying this heavy load alone will get you burnt out quicker than anything. You might be taking on too much and you'll need to prioritize what you really need to focus on. I also think there will just be a lot happening in September for a lot of people. It's a lot of working hard because you know it's good work or because it's what's right. This could be social responsibility that's placed on you or work responsibility. For whatever reason this burden isn't something you want to share with others because you think its yours alone to deal with. It's not though bc you'll figure out eventually that if it hurts so much you'll find a way to lessen the burden. 10 in tarot is all about the completion of a cycle and going through the wands cycle is hard work because for anything to be made of passion, you need to put the work behind it. The burden isn't forever, the heavy work load will lighten but this is you seeing things out. It's a good thing!

Especially considering this is paired with with world. The world is all about completion and that's what you're doing here is finding completion. You are seeing things out until the end but you just need to learn to give up some responsibility, lessen your burden.

This also talks about hard work being put into wider social spheres as well. Things like the vaccines becoming more widespread through the whole globe or at least better planing and infrastructures not related to covid. Things are looking up!

September for BTS

Knight of swords reverse

This bad boi is restless energy. It's being so pent up that you're ready to burst and you really want to take action but you can't because something is keeping you from taking that action. Again I do think this is kinda covid related in regards to touring bc if they do tour in 2021 its gonna look a lot different. This energy can be a bit impulsive and directionless so I think maybe they'll channel this into album material something? I'm not really sure tbh. I'm suprised this energy didn't show up earlier because it almost seems inevitable.

September: no clue

October for the collective

Ten of coins and the star reverse.

Welp let's start with the 10 of coins. Its about wealth, financial security, and long term success so this is a pretty prosperous time. This talks about the obvious monetary wealth and material wealth but also an abundance of opportunities. So this is definitely a good time to enjoy whatever consistency you have. This energy is really really abundant in the career space as well. So October could be very prosperous in the job field and you'll have likely found what it is you really want and could be successful at. This could be the actual act or just the idea. This is could also talk about investing in something for your future, this could be time or money.

With the star reversed it can talk about a loss of faith and a disconnection. This often points to feeling like you've just been forgotten or left out. Like the universe doesn't give a shit about you and left you out to die. Things might seem unfair but always try to look for the lesson that you can take from the experience. Seeing the 10 of coins and the star makes me think that a lot of people have kinda lost faith in their manifestations and also just in the concept of not living in a state of need. Especially if you see other people doing well and you've been trying so fucking hard but you haven't gotten a break. I know we hate to hear it but this can serve as a test of faith. Or rather an opportunity to get your shit in line and take a second to breath. Do something good for yourself and then continue on. This star in reverse serves to show you what no longer sparks joy and helps you find what does and what that initial spark was in the first place. Helps you get back to the original vision/ spark.

October for BTS

5 of pentacles reverse.

This signals the end of difficult times and getting that groove back. The last month was restless energy with no where to go but this month that energy is certainly put to good use. They might be figuring out what has been missing In their lives and starting to rectify that. They are definitely reminded that material wealth doesn't bring spiritual or emotional wealth. Might be also feeling a bit alienated too.

October: something is likely but idk

November for collective

Six of swords reversed and the moon.

Transition and change is prevalent. The 6 of swords is about leaving behind the familiar. Maune this is leaving a job, a new change in the status quo, leaving a relationship ect. The thing you have to keep in mind is just how amazing this is in terms of what it will do. It will alow growth!! And bring clarity!! Thos can also be societal as well, something being left behind in favor of something new. It's letting go and reflecting so that you can move foward.

This is strengthened by the moon card. The moon card is the subconscious and all the things that come with it. The anxiety, the illusion, the uncertainty. You'll want to deal with whatever emotions come up. The moon can signify a confusing time where things aren't what they seem to be. That's the illusions so you'll have rely more on intuition at a time like this. Your dreams might hold significance in this time as well. Listen to your guides and your own guidance because it will help you understand more than you did before this journey began. Using moon cycles to your advantage in November might really help you!!

November for BTS

7 of wands

Challenge and competition. People are envious of bts. We know this. But people will be challenging them for what they've gained: music industry domination. This might co.e in the way that people will spread vicious rumors in attempt to disenfanchise or possibly it will be a fair fight. It could also be a challenge/ battle for some other aspect that involves legal matters.

My best guess though is good old competition. Bts has proven again and again that they will continue to do what they do how they do but they will not be trampled over. In the best way this could renew some of that spirit in friendly competition. They will tear eachothers throats out for a pack of ramen so maybe a bit of competition will be good for them. It keeps life intresting.

November: nothin

December for the collective

Two of cups and the emperor!

Let's start off with the emperor card talks about stability and order. It can also signify being the "breadwinner" so its a good sign that you'll kinda be on top of your shit. The emperor is also an amazing leader so you might find yourself taking on a leadership role too! This is very organized energy that works very smoothly!

two of cups is such a lovely way to end out the year! It's love and partnership and attraction so if you aren't in a relationship by this time you might meet someone who strikes your fancy!! On a none romantic relationship note though, this card is also great for business partnership bc it signifies that you're on the same page and have the same goals in mind!

It's harmonious relationships and trust between them!! Love love love this energy so much! Cups are the suit of emotions and this card is so promising.

If you are in a relationship, this can talk about "falling in love all over again" like you're just reminded of how good they are.

December for BTS

Queen of cups

Intuition, creativity and emotional stability. They're using intuition to guide their moves foward with emotional maturity. They are in a place of knowing what they want and why. This would be a good time to work on an album or a book or to release them. The queen of cups is like the friend that you can tell absolutely anything and somehow they have a helpful answer. This card is really calm and it can also talk about subconscious thoughts.

I think that bts is maybe making more of a conscious effort to make sure that what they do is just as emotionally fulfilling for them as it is for us! They might be kinda pondering the future at this time and considering if this is what fills their emotional cup!

December: possibly a thing?

Now these cards are the vibe of the year and some advice.

For the collective (on the left)

Three of swords and judgment reverse.

The fortune says "accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory"

The 3 of swords is about disappointment and hurt and heartbreak. It's about the emotional release that we all need when shit gets tough. Don't pretend to be strong. If you need to cry, fucking cry. This year is about letting go of expectations and do what you have to do to release so you can move foward and not have these things pile up.

You have to make an effort to not let yourself take on what other people think of you. You aren't defined by what some asshole says. You define yourself.

Judgment reverse is about self doubt and ignoring your path. It's being stagnant and being harsh on yourself. This year has a focus on building yourself up and noticing when you are not. Bring light to the things that are holding you back without harsh judgment for yourself. You can't beat yourself up. If you make a bad decision you know not to make it again. Take accountability and move on.

The oracle card is inner temple.

Seriously all the focus of this year is in self improvement and dear god, please take time to work on yourself spiritually!!! Everything you want to know is there if you take the time to listen. This should be a place where you feel safe and welcome. It definitely should not feel like something you HAVE to do.

For BTS

10 of swords and page of swords

The fortune says "you create your own stage. The audience is waiting" (how tje fuck?? This is the perfect fortune)

The 10 of swords is a painful but necessary end. This is accepting the current situation. They maintain focus for 2021 for them is adapting and keeping their spirits up.

With the page of swords it talks about new ideas and that kind of creativity. It's also a lot about communication so I really think that they'll be figuring out new ways to connect and new projects that will be prosperous.

The oracle card is Pleiades

This is what we talk about all the time. Bts has helped so many people want to be better and do better. They are uplifting humanity and giving people a sense if belonging. Bts finds you when you need them most 💜💜💜

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Wow I had to write this up over 2 days bc this was so fucking long. I need a nap. Idk if I'll proof read this before I post it so don't hate me for the mistakes (honestly, there's like 10,000 spelling and grammar mistakes in my other posts too 🙃)

I hope you guys enjoyed it and maybe this will be helpful to to have a forecast of some possible energy for you to look out for!!

Also bts bc I love them. I have another bts 2021 reading I'll do soon too!

Hope you guys are happy and well 💜

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that-bajan-kid · 3 years

Text

Boku No Hero Academia Chapter 292 SPOILERS

(Pogchamp)

Imagine staying away from Tumblr, Instagram and Twitter to avoid spoilers, only to get spoiled by a fUCKING WHATSAPP GROUP CHAT I'M SO MAD RN

Y'all better believe I freaked out when I saw this. I've seen lots of theories about this too. Mostly traitor!Kirishima since Bakugou's doing his pose and the other two are posing like villains. Also fan art. So. Much. Fan art. Now on to the chapter.

We see Jeanist in the plane getting ready to jump out while the latest episode of Keeping Up With The Todorokis plays in the background and he's not too happy about Dabi using his and his family's trauma to destroy hero society. I get that Dabi shouldn't have exposed Endeavour in the most damaging way possible for everyone involved but in his defence 1) it's not his fault Enji was a peice of shit to his family and 2) Dabi's a Todoroki, being dramatic is ingrained in their DNA.

YAS JEANIST FUCK EM UP. Bakugou you really should not be standing right now, I can see the pain it's causing you all over your face. So was it really a dead body in that bag? And Dabi, didn't you also not believe it was actually Jeanist or did the months of him missing convince you it was actually him?

Dabi is glowing like the sun and smoking like a Colorado wild fire which can't possibly be healthy for him. Dabi is all "Whatever bitch, the Todoroki family drama is to strong to be defeated by mere steel wires. Right, Shouto?" as Todoroki charges towards his previously-thought-to-be-dead older brother with some fire of his own. Compress and Spinner are talking about how Jeanist actually managed to subdue Machia and Spinner is all "Doesn't Machia have super strength tho?" and I'm here sitting in my seat wondering if the anaesthetic finally kicked in as Jeanist tightens the wire around Machia.

Spinner realises that Machia has been panting ever since they arrive, aka when his orders were full filled. So now he's disparately trying to wake Shiggy up so he can give Machia a reason to stay awake but then a wild Nejire-chan appears out of no where and she looks fucking pissed the fuck off and I am here for it.

FOR FUCK SAKE DABI GOD DAMNIT FUCK

Istg if she's dead I'm gonna fucking riot. Man Shouto is not having a good time. Midoriya better has sit his ass down. The fuck are you gonna do? Cry at them?? You ain't got no arms bitch.

Oh look a new background for my phone.

(Edit: I like how the heat from his flames are warping the panels)

Izuku you are physically incapable of doing anything rn. Yeah Shouto is in pain but at least his bones weren't turn to liquid. Is Jeanist talking about Endeavour or himself? Cause Hawks is down for the count and I'd be pretty pissed if Hori let Enji keep his hero licence after this.

There was a house. I think it might have been Tenko's, I'm not sure. So anyway, Shiggy woke up and he's thinking to himself "Damn I'm itchy but I can't move. Lemme fix that." and then orders Machia to break free. So Machia is doing that and now Jeanist with his one (1) lung are having a hard time keeping up.

It's been like six months since I last visited duolingo but I'm pretty sure those sound effects say "Aaaaa" which I find hilarious. I also completely forgot this was happening. Is Shiggy calling back the NHE? Cause the others are fucked if that's what's happening.

I had the ending of this chapter spoiled for me so I already know who that is which sucks all the fun out of it but I'll act like I don't know who it is out of respect for their character.

Oh my god Burnin was save at the last second who could it possibly be????????

This panel looks really cool also Shouto's flames?

So Dabi and Shouto are battling it out final agnikai style and Shouto is all "So your the one who sent that villain to our house!!?! NATSUO ALMOST DIED YOU ASSHOLE!!! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR FAVOURITE BROTHER?!!!!?!!!" And Dabi's stone cold response is "But Endeavour would have suffered" so Shouto has the natural response of "HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND" to which Dabi responds with "YOUR GODDAMN RIGHT I DID." and how he no longer has the ability to care about anything anymore which is very sad but damnit this panel would look godly animated.

So Dabi is like "Now I can finally kill you" as he gets ready to kill Shouto and the NHE are showing up and Jeanist is completely out in the open now. Whatever shall happen now???? Oh dearist me. If only the heroes had another secret ace up their sleeve that was not in anyone's plans because of how unlikely it was to happen. I wonder.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT WHEN PAST TRAUMA AND CURRENT TRAUMA MIX IN THE MOST TOXIC, SELF DEPRICATING WAY POSSIBLE???? Izuku, who has done literally everything in his power to keep everyone from a groosome desintergrating demise, the one who is physically incapable of moving, is really sitting here calling himself a useless hero because his body's natural instinct to not die, which he still has apparently, is preventing him from floating head first into the arms of Death. BOI YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE CONCIOUS RIGHT NOW WHAT DO YOU MEAN!??!!?

I swear if these kids don't get some therapy after this.

Oh my god it's lemillion what a surprise. Also, did he really just say "Pogchamp" lmfao. I'm still salty about being spoiled but that was really funny. How long has he had his quirk back? We know Aizawa has been training Eri's quirk but when did she get enough control to be able to fix him? I'm so glad she can control her quirk now cause it means she won't be scare of accidentally uno reversing someone out of existence.

Still very disappointed the Mirio reveal was spoiled for me. Pogchamp was hilarious but still. I'm sure the official translation will have him saying something boring like "POWERRRRRRRRR". Sigh. Welp time to commit verbal assassination.

Until next time.

#UGH #I CANT BELEIVE I GOT SPOILED LIKE THAT #I MEAN #WHATSAPP SERIOUSLY THATS SO EMBARASSING #FUCK #boku no hero academia #boku no hero academia spoilers #bnha #bnha spoilers #bnha manga #bnha manga spoilers #bnha 292

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xxisxxisxxis · 3 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Ninety-Three [PT.2]

Words: 4.2k

Warning(s): explicit language, violence, mentions of drug abuse

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It's incredibly quiet and filled with tension as Amber looks at Nikki and I, curiously.

We haven't been to therapy in over a week.

Nikki hasn't come back to fucking rehab until yesterday and it took me threatening divorce again.

"Well," Amber starts, smiling at us. "How was your time together?"

"Good." We both lie simultaneously and Amber raises her brows.

"Really?"

"Yep." Nikki says, flatly.

"Like we're dating for the first time all over again." I add, unenthusiastically. "Exactly how it was when we first started dating. Just minus the sex."

Nikki huffs out a breath.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Vivian--"

"--Don't bring Jesus into this. Jesus isn't anywhere to be found in this situation."

"It was one night, Viv, cut me a goddamn break."

"I've been cutting you a break for the last six years, Nikki, I'm done cutting people breaks. You need to cut me some respect--"

"--Some respect? After the shit you pulled, are you fucking me right now?"

"No, I'm not fucking you right now, no more than you've fucked me the entire time you've been home."

"Oh, my God."

I slowly start being pulled from my sleep when I feel a tickle up the side of my foot, my ankle, up the back of my calf then my thigh, my hip, up my spine...I feel my body jolt awake only to be trapped under someone for a moment.

"Shh, shh, it's just me." Nikki assures me in a whisper, looming over me.

"Oh," I mumble, sighing when he kisses my shoulder blade.

I try to go back to sleep but my eyes force themselves open, and I look over my shoulder.

"Why the hell aren't you in rehab, Nikki?!" I ask him, sharply, confused. "How the fuck did you even get in here?! How did you even know where I live?!"

"I checked out for a few days so I could see you." He explains. "And Sharise let me borrow her key and gave me directions. I wanted to surprise you."

"You what?!"

"Wanted to surprise you?"

I sit up and he falls beside me, stretching out over the bed.

"You checked out of rehab?!"

"I missed you and Tommy and Vince missed their girls so we just decided to check out for a few days and visit and then we're going back Monday...like a four month long weekend." He explains.

"You can't do that!"

"It was highly advised against it by our counselors but let us leave." He shrugs. "And you know what? I've been back in L.A. for an hour and I don't feel the itch to go party like I used to. I think rehab's working." He tells me.

"...You checked out of rehab…to come home...and you're going back?"

"Yep."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"Like you won't be tempted to do anything you're not supposed to do?"

"I won't be because I'm gonna be with you the whole time." He shrugs.

"You do realize how arrogant you sound right now, right?"

"I'm not interested in drugs or anything anymore, Viv. I've gotten past that." He states.

"Nikki," I start.

"Don't say it like that."

"How else am I suppose to say it?" I ask, raising my brows, looking at him, pointedly.

He just rubs his lips together and smirks.

"I know a few ways you can say it." He runs his hand up and down the side of my leg and I raise a brow.

"You left rehab to get your dick wet." I tell him, knocking his hand off of me, laying back down.

"No, I didn't." He denies.

"Okay, then go sleep on the couch." I suggest.

"No." He argues. "I wanna hold you."

"Oh, please, Nikki, we both know what that turns into."

"What does it turn into?" He asks, knowingly.

"You know what it's gonna turn into." I state.

"Vivian, baby," he slides his hand over my hip bone, squeezing it for a second, making my skin prickle and heat up.

"Don't, 'baby,' me." I can't bring myself to push his hand away this time, I just turn my back to him.

It's quiet for a moment and I feel him shift beside me, before his lips press to my bare shoulder, then my jaw, then my temple, and I'm rolling to my back, my lips brushing against his, my fingers going to his soft hair, a smile coming to my lips as I say, "couch," and push him away from me, turning back over to face away from him and snuggling into my covers.

He mumbles under his breath and grabs the pillow from that side of the bed, leaving me alone.

After a moment of trying to go to sleep, I can't bring myself to.

I feel like a kid on Christmas morning.

I pull my blankets off and drag a throw with me as I go to the living room.

He's taking up the entire couch, and his eyes are closed but I know he's not asleep.

I crawl on him and he groans, looking at me with furrowed brows.

"Your knee is in my thigh." He grumbles as I try to pull my blanket around myself.

I just blink down at him.

"Fine." He winces, sitting up as best as he can, helping me pull the blanket up around my shoulders before he's sliding his hands to my waist and we both lay down.

I lay my head on his chest and he rubs at my scalp with his fingers.

"I've missed you, too." I say to him quietly.

"I know." He replies. "The Sixxter tends to have that effect on chick--ow!" He hisses, tensing up.

"Oh, sorry, didn't realize your junk was there." I lie, playing off me digging my nails into his crotch was an accident.

I knew him leaving rehab, even for a few days, posed a threat to his road to recovery. My biggest fear was his dealers hearing he was back. They'd sniff him out and lure him in and I'd lose him again. I couldn't let that happen, and it terrified me to think that it could. But it also made me feel better to see him in a setting that didn't involve stail coffee, therapists, and other recovery patients near by. There wasn't any privacy in rehab--not that we really needed any.

The next morning I'm waking up to the smell of food, good food. Being that I burn most anything I try to cook now (I blame my pregnancy brain), it's nice to be able to smell breakfast without the heavy blanket of charr attached to it.

I stretch where I've been left on the couch under the fluffy blanket I brought in last night, sitting up and pulling it off of me before going to the bathroom and making myself look somewhat presentable with a toothbrush and a hair brush, hoping and praying that whatever he's cooking up doesn't make me sick.

I get in the kitchen and see him in front of the stove, and I wrap my arms around him, pressing my cheek to his shoulder blade, and I feel him rub at my arms that are tightly around him, chuckling.

"Good morning," he says, looking at me over his shoulder.

I stand on my toes and kiss his cheek.

"Good morning." I reply, pulling away, grabbing a glass and getting some water.

I take advantage of him not paying attention to examine any changes.

I noticed the other day he'd been working out. I see now exactly how much alcohol bloat he's lost, and how much muscle he's built back up.

His hair and skin even looks healthier, he's gotten his "glow" back to his once pale, sallow looking appearance.

I reign in my hormones, chugging my water and getting another glass full.

When he turns around to get the sausage out of the pan and onto a plate, I eye his crotch area, seeing that he's obviously not wearing underwear under his shorts and I'd be lying if I said I don't stare.

"I hope you still like sausage." He comments, oblivious to my eyes on his goods, not even looking in my direction, too busy with trying to get breakfast done.

"Oh, I do." I comment, taking another few gulps of water, letting my eyes trail down his thighs for a moment.

Sweet Jesus.

He is certainly fearfully and wonderfully made.

"Ahem," he clears his throat and I flick my gaze to his face.

I've been caught.

"Whatcha looking at?" He asks me and I shake my head a little.

"I like those shorts." I lie, shrugging it off.

"Mmhmm." He doesn't buy it for a second.

"I do!" I defend myself.

"I'm sure it's the shorts you like." He comments.

"Well...I like what's inside the shorts." I blatantly correct myself and he squeezes his eyes closed and laughs.

"Welcome home, Nikki." He says to himself and I finish my water as he turns the stove off. "It's ready if you wanna make a plate." He offers.

"Maybe we should give it a few minutes to cool off." I suggest, slowly getting closer to him.

"Um, I think it's okay." He brushes it off, shrugging, not paying attention.

"I think we should let it cool off." I state again, my fingers teasing at the top of his shorts, and he looks at me.

"Get away from me, you freak." He laughs out, shooing my hands off of him.

"Oh, I'm the freak?"

"You were trying to blow me before therapy the other day and now you're trying to get it in while I'm trying to eat." He points out, still laughing. "I know I'm a lot to handle but just chill out." He smiles, raising his brows.

"I don't know if you're being serious right now or not."

"I'm being serious." He points at me. "Now get a plate and let's eat." He adds.

"You don't want to mess around?"

"I didn't say that." He states.

"Okay, then food can wait, c'mon," I grab his hand and try to tug him out of the kitchen.

"Viv," he says as I plant my feet on the floor and use both hands to try to tug at him, my socks sliding against the tile but I try my hardest to get him to move.

He waits patiently before I'm falling on my ass after slipping, still holding his hand, letting out a breath.

I let his hand go and lay on the floor, groaning.

"Are you done?" He asks me, raising a brow.

"I'm horny." I say it flatly, staring at the ceiling.

"I can see that." He says, looking between my legs where I feel a wet spot in my panties.

Great.

"Nikki, you're being difficult."

"How?"

"I wanna fool around, you wanna fool around, we should just fool around. But you don't want to, even though you just said you do."

"Viv--"

"I haven't gotten thrown around and fucked into a coma in over six months." I blurt, crossing my arms, looking up at him from my place on the floor.

"...He couldn't scratch that itch after all, huh?" He asks, amused, smirking, and I cut my eyes at him.

"Because he has morals." I reply.

"Interesting." He replies.

We sit in silence for a second, and he nudges me with his foot.

"Are you gonna survive without jumping my bones?" He asks and I sigh, sitting up.

"I guess."

He helps me up and we get our food and sit on the couch while we watch cartoons and eat.

I notice him staring at me every once in awhile, but I don't pay any attention to him.

My feelings are hurt, as childish as that sounds.

It usually doesn't take much to get Nikki into bed, and he's always been up for it whenever I hinted at anything...or blatantly told him I was horny.

But now things are different.

A part of me thinks its because he sat down and really thought about the fact I cheated on him.

Maybe that makes me disgusting in his eyes.

Maybe it's because I'm pregnant--even though I'm only starting to show.

Maybe it's because I'm pregnant with the dude's baby that I cheated on him with.

I can see that ruining his libido.

I just try not to pay much attention to it, but it's nagging me slowly.

After I finish eating I'm taking my empty plate to the kitchen and heading to my bedroom.

"Where you going?" He asks me as he puts his plate in the sink, too.

"Back to bed." I tell him. "I'm really sleepy."

"Oh," He replies, not looking all that convinced.

"See you when I wake up." I add.

"Yeah, I'll see you then." He says back.

I shut the door and crawl into bed, wiping the growing tears from my eyes before they even hit my cheeks.

I wake up a little later and stretch out, hearing the shower running in my bathroom.

I just lay in bed for a few minutes until I hear it turn off and in a couple minutes, he's coming in the room with a towel wrapped around him, his hair wet.

He notices I'm awake and grins, coming over to the bed.

"Hey," he leans over me, pecking me on the lips.

"Hey." I reply, my voice still tired, his hand running over my side. "What time is it?"

"Like, one o'clock, maybe," he replies, about to move away from me.

"Wait, c'mere," I grab his hand and he furrows his brows.

"What is it?" He asks me.

I don't say anything, just looking at him, and he chuckles.

He reads my mind and leans down, lips catching mine before his tongue slips into my mouth.

I softly hum, my hand going to his hair, his hand fumbling through the covers to find my hip and dig his fingers into it.

My hands soon go to his towel, about to tug it off but he pulls away and catches his breath.

"I'm gonna go get some clothes on and head to the store to get some things for dinner tonight...you want anything?"

Yeah. Sex with my husband.

"No, thanks." I reply, calmly.

"Alright, I'll see you later." He kisses me one last time and leaves the room and I rub my hands over my face.

"There's nothing to get so pissed off about, Vivian, it's not a big deal."

"For once in his life Nikki Sixx doesn't want to hump something, even when his own wife tries to start something, so yeah, to me it is a big deal." I argue.

"No, it's not, it's not that serious."

"Do you not understand what it's like to be pregnant and hormonal and just wanting to have a good time with the person you love and they don't want anything to do with it?"

"Oh, c'mon, Vivian. Me not wanting to have sex with you doesn't have anything to do with you in particular."

"Pretty sure it does since you've had no problem screwing other women behind my back when I couldn't do a good enough job." I throw at him.

"Woah, woah, woah, that was fucking months ago, Vivian, and I was fucked up and sick." He snaps. "And it wasn't because you couldn't do a good enough job, it was because you wouldn't even try to do a job at all. You'd just lay there and be uninterested, like you were just waiting for me to get the fuck off of you. Matter of fact, I distinctly remember you actually saying, 'are you finished yet? I'm getting sleepy.' And I get that you were depressed and in a funk but shit like that happened multiple times, sometimes for weeks, over the course of our marriage. You know how that made me feel, thinking I couldn't even please my own wife?"

"Oh, God, Nikki, I can't even imagine that pain. Thinking, 'why am I not good enough? Why am I not attractive to my spouse? Why am I not still desired'," I start, sarcastically. "Oh, shit, actually, yeah. Yeah, I fucking can imagine it because I tortured myself with the same questions anytime you chose going out with your buddies over a night in with me, anytime you chose hiding in your closet with drugs over coming to bed, and not to mention the time, gee, I don't know--I found out you had a mistress, who I was friends with, that you would fuck in our house!"

"Think you got pretty even with me on that being that I found a couple used condoms that didn't belong to me, under our bed!"

"That can't possibly be my fault being that me and him never used condoms!"

"You don't fucking say!" He motions to my stomach.

"Fuck this." I state, harshly, standing up and grabbing my purse.

"Vivian," Amber starts.

"No. No. No. Fuck you, fuck him, fuck this. I'm fucking done. We tried rehab, we tried therapy, obviously it's not working or he wouldn't have come home and fallen off the wagon!"

"Ever considered maybe I fell off the wagon so early on because you kept nagging me for days on end?!" He stands up.

"You didn't want anything to do with me fucking sober, but as soon as you were under the influence of something, I'm suddenly so fucking beautiful and you're wanting to 'fuck the shit outta me'?! Do you not realize how fucked it is that you only want me when you're fucking on something?!"

The next few days consists of me being unable to keep my...urges...barely at bay, all while Nikki has no problem ignoring my hints--more so blunt statements at times--that I'm in the mood.

He just laughs it off or teases me about it or pretends he doesn't know altogether.

I just do what I've been doing: being my own lover.

But there's just some things he can do to me that I can't and it's hard to accept that reality.

I raise my brows when I peek my head into my bathroom, seeing Nikki fixing his hair, only wearing boxers.

"Where you getting dolled up to go?" I ask, crossing my arms.

"Me and Tommy are going out." He tells me and I raise my brows.

"Oh." I reply, rubbing my lips together.

I don't know how to tell him I'm having my surgery tomorrow to have my uterine abnormality taken care of...I've been meaning to tell him but just can't.

I was hoping he'd still be in rehab and wouldn't even really have to know I got it done until later.

I don't want him to worry.

"You wanna come with us?" He asks next, grinning at me in the mirror.

I don't know if that's a good idea." I mumble, that article written about that open letter from those anonymous roadies flashing through my mind.

"C'mon, baby, it'll be fun."

"I don't feel good enough to go out on the town right now." I admit. "What are you guys gonna do while you're out?"

"Probably go to the Tropicana or something." He shrugs and I raise my brows.

"...Oh."

"Like I said, Viv, you can come with us." He turns and looks down at me and I just smile as best as I can and shake my head.

"No, I'm okay." I assure him.

He looks a little disappointed but brushes it off, leaning down and kissing me, wrapping his arms around my waist, his hands smoothing over my ass, and I giggle as he pulls me up to snake my legs around him, kissing my cheek and my neck before hugging me to him, making me squeeze him to me tightly.

"I love you, Nikki." I tell him, closing my eyes. "I really do."

"I know, Viv." He says back. "I love you more."

"And like always, it's Vivian's fault Nikki's a fucking addict! It's Vivian's fault Nikki's drinking so much! It's Vivian's fault Nikki's so unbearable to be around! It's all that slut's fault because she's a fucking crazy snake-cunt, she-satan that steals, kills, and destroys, and he's left with no choice but to try to numb himself to get outta her grasp! It's all her fucking fault, even when she's pregnant!"

I storm out and slam the door behind me, stomping down the hall.

"Vivian Sixx, don't you fucking walk away from me!" He shouts after me, following me.

"Vivian Kinston! I don't wanna be a fucking Sixx anymore--I don't wanna be associated with you, you fucked up prick!" I scream back. "Matter of fact, I'm glad I didn't have any of those goddamn kids of your's or else I'd be fucking answering to you the rest of my fucking life!"

I wake up when I hear the front door open, my eyes shifting to my clock.

2:00a.m.

"Fuck," I hear him whisper to himself, dragging his feet to the kitchen…

The sink turns on, a cabinet slams open, a glass shatters on the floor.

"Fuck." He repeats, cutting the sink off.

I furrow my brows and sit up in the bed, slowly slipping off the mattress, tip-toeing out to see what he's up to.

"Nikki?"

"Do you--do you have a broom?" He asks in a slur, motioning to the broken glass on the floor.

"Yeah, I do." I tell him.

"Okay, I um, I…" he trails off, eyes on me, drifting down my bare legs, holding his gaze on my lace panties. "...I need it." He finishes, hand reaching down to readjust himself.

"Have you been drinking?" I ask him, leaning against the doorway.

"A couple shots, nothing I couldn't handle." He replies, walking closer to me. "Something else I can handle, too." He says more so to himself and I take in a breath when his hands grasp at my hips.

"You smell like tequila." I tell him.

"It was just a couple drinks." He insists, leaning down, pressing his lips to mine.

"Just a couple?" I ask when I pull away, and he nods, pulling me back to him, kissing me again, our tongues meeting.

His hands are tugging at my tank top, pulling it over my head.

"You're so beautiful." He tells me, licking up my neck and I let out a soft sigh, running my hands down his back, tears in my eyes…

I close my eyes and my mind flashes back. All those times he'd come in drunk or high or both...either telling me how wonderful I am, or wanting to fight…

"Nikki, wait," I force myself to pull away from him as he trails kisses over my breast.

"What is it?" He asks me, trying to get me close again.

"You're drunk, Nikki, alright? I don't want to do anything while you're like this." I admit and he just stares at me.

"Excuse me?"

"You're drunk. I don't want you to--"

"--You bitch at me all fucking week about your fucking sexual frustration but as soon as I wanna piece of ass you're suddenly too good for me?"

"Nikki, you're drunk." I state. "I'm not too good for you, but I'm not just gonna be the cumrag you get off on and pass out in a drunken stupor."

"You never complained about it before." He states. "All the other times you were on your knees with your mouth wide open begging me for it like a cock-starved whore." He adds.

"That was before. You aren't even supposed to be drunk, Nikki." I sneer.

"Well, I am,Vivian, you wanna fucking crucify me over it? Huh?!"

"All of your hard work the past weeks...gone." I remind him.

"Fuck off." He shoves past me. "If you're not gonna give me any pussy--"

"--Maybe I would if you were sober, asshole, ever consider that?" I snap.

"I wanna fuck the shit out of you, I've considered that." He states and I feel my face heat up.

"You're being a pig, right now." I ignore him, turning to go back to bed, pissed and tired.

"C'mon, baby," he complains from outside my locked door and I roll my eyes. "Baby, seriously, can't we talk about this?" He asks next. "Baby!" He calls.

I open the door and bitterly mock his voice, "'oh, baby, I'm so sorry, oh, baby, you're so beautiful, oh, baby, just gimme a blow job and it'll completely wipe away the fact that I'm a fucking drunk, ridiculous, asshole, oh, baby, baby, baby, baby'!" I slam the door back in his face.

"...Well, I never said I was fucking sorry!" He says next.

"Fuck off, Nikki!"

He snatches me by my wrist, and I see him raise his fist from the corner of my eye as I turn to face him, and I tense up and expect him to hit me but his fist collides with the wall by my head, my hand coming up to my mouth to keep from being too loud in my hysteria, tears rolling down my cheeks as he gives three solid punches to the painted cement bricks.

He's crying, too, and his hand loosening around my wrist, his face red, his body shaking as he lets out a pained noise and heaves out breaths, his eyes closed.

#gateway drug #nikki sixx #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction

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adashofniallandasprinkleoflunacy · 3 years

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Idk if I've already shared this w you but just in case I didn't

I can't reread ch11. I took my sweet time reading it the first time knowing there'd be a chance it would hit too close to home. Idk if you meant for it all to be that way, but vampire!H allowing himself to be happy even though he thinks he doesn't deserve it and knowing it won't work out in the long run but fuck it, he deserves to have some form of happiness in his life and she makes him happy and he seems to make her happy so he allowed himself to be happy even though he knows it's not gonna end up perfectly... Being in therapy for a year and suffering from a lot of things 2 years prior to that and having worked on myself for 2 years now, letting yourself feel whatever good things you're feeling and are happening around you is the most insufferable and difficult and annoying and insane parts of recovery. And you wrote it so beautifully and precisely that it hurts. It hurts because for the longest time, I thought there was something wrong with me because I couldn't let myself accept the good things life has to offer. And then you two come along and create a character that is basically me and I can see myself in him and then I read that he's trying to be better, trying to let himself feel good, despite his brain telling him he's not worthy.

He's a supernatural creature with decades of trauma. I get that he can't be an exactly accurate representation of my journey. But he is. Again, idk if you had mental health and recovery in mind when you created his character in the first place. In case you didn't, I need you both to know that your story is touching people in ways you can't even comprehend and ch11 felt like being wrapped in the most comfortable blankie sipping a warm cup of coffee, looking out the window and smelling and feeling the first drops of rain. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

(Please make sure leyla reads this as well)

Wow I’m truly so speechless, thank you so much!! Ch11 definitely gets a bit more into a lot of Harry’s issues, where they stem from, and how he deals with them now, which is definitely an emotional journey because the story is starting to unpack all of his problems on a deeper level now that he’s allowed himself to become vulnerable.

The book is obviously fiction and it’s based off fantasy with the monsters and all, but I feel like every good story needs to have a bit of truth in it to be impactful and meaningful, and I think that’s very well what Leyla and I intended for Harry’s character. I personally think it’s really important for novels to address mental health, because realistic characters just can’t be cookie-cutter perfect, since no person ever is. The fic has been pretty humorous thus far, with a few serious moments here and there that gave a peek into all of Harry’s inner turmoil with himself, and as the story will progress, you guys will see all of his baggage be unpacked and all of his battles laid out bare, which will include a lot of psychological things like depression, anxiety, guilt, self-loathing, trust and abandonment issues, emotional manipulation, etc (which will all have adequate warnings beforehand, don’t worry!!). It’s a made up person in a made up world, but he has his own versions of the problems a lot of real people deal with every day, and it’s good to have them represented and addressed so others know they’re not alone, that their struggles are valid, and that recovery is possible! It’s what gives him substance and makes him relatable!!

I’m really happy those specific parts of the fic resonated with you, it means we’re doing something right. Thank you for sharing your views on it and for letting us know that we made you feel seen in any way. It’s all we could hope for 🥺

#ysijwa!ask

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girlmounter · 3 years

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URGENT QUESTION TO ALL MY FOLLOWERS, I NEED YOUR FEEBACK!

Okay so here's the situation. I am asking you all to please please read this through and like, maybe tell me if I made the right decision... because I feel terrible about this. I would love it if someone told me if this is correct or wrong and I should've done something else. I'm not a popular blog, so whoever this post might reach (which is not going to be a lot of people) please please take some time out to read this through. I know it's a really long post, but I really really need your opinion on this. If you don't have the time right now, maybe just reblog it and save it for later. It would also help this post reach more people. Also please check the tags for the trigger warnings.

I have been going to a therapist for about 5 months now. My mom, as you probably know by now, is narcissistic and my dad enables her, along with my mom's parents who we live with. I have no siblings, and I just turned 17. Since we live in Asia, all you desi people know how hard society is on us when we go against our parents, who are supposed to be godly figures.

So all along, my therapist, (for confidentiality's sake we'll call him Sam, 21), has been bent on making me talk to them. I dont know why. I've tried explaining so many times that talking to my mom is not an option because 1) NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE DON'T EVER CHANGE and 2) my mom WILL use all my words against me and twist them into whatever she wants and later bring them up to bring me down. You guys with narcissistic parents know this shit too well.

It's not like I haven't ever even tried talking to them, I have! I've done it so many times, with a calm tone, in the most diplomatic way possible. There were times I tried to get the point across by crying and being desperate too. There were also times where I thought anger might work out.

It never did. It doesn't. It won't, because she is not looking for solutions or for mending the bond between us. All she wants is to infantilize me and keep me under her control forever. Mom and dad both want this. They don't ever want to let me out of their sights. They don't let me out of their sights.

A very long story short, I am supervised 24/7, I don't have much of a phone, I don't have friends, I don't have any family members who would support me, I don't have much of a family either tbh. I am monitored like crazy, gaslighted every single day, lied to, manipulated like hell, and babied to the point where it's just narcissistic infantilization and not concern anymore. To them, I'm a baby when it suits them, and I'm an adult when it suits them better that way. She doesn't care about what I think because apparently I'm a liar and to all those people out there who know the smear campaigning and the flying monkeys and the triangulation....yeah. All of that happens on a regular basis. I know I'm not providing any concrete proof and situations but please believe me. Please believe me. My memory is so shot I can't remember anything and i know it doesn't work out in my favor but please please believe me I'm telling the truth...

I have made three suicide attempts, I used to cut and was very badly addicted to it, and now I don't cut, but yeah I'll be sharing the reason in a little bit. Please hold on, this means a huge deal to me. Please don't scroll past this.

So Sam never really even had a smidge of doubt that my mom might be narcissistic, and I wasn't given the benefit of doubt either. After months of research when I myself figured that it might be narcissism, I told him and he went along with it. He does believe me now. But somehow I don't feel very understood. I dont feel better after I talk to him. I feel like my problems are trivial and that I'm just not working hard enough. I feel misunderstood and I never feel satisfied. I asked him for tips to deal with crushing loneliness and panic attacks and stuff like that, but I never receive real answers. When I asked for help with my suicidal thoughts, he just said that it's never an option and that's it. That's the only answer I got. When I asked for help with cutting, the only answer I got was that if I even tried to cut again, I'd lose him.

Like. Is that really how therapy is supposed to work?

Half of the time we just while time away, talking as if we're friends and I mean, it's a paid session. We're not very financially well off right now, what with the pandemic and everything, and we're paying him 2000 INR a week. It's a lot for us because we ain't exactly rich. That's like 10,000 INR a month.

I try to talk, I'm told that I don't stop talking and don't let him speak. When I don't speak, I'm not speaking enough. I dont feel comfortable anymore in a way that I think I should be with a therapist. I have recieved more helpful advice from actual PhD psychologists who are making videos on dealing with narcissism on YouTube. I feel more understood by them than I ever have with him. So many times I have left the session crying and hours later I'd still be stifling tears. So many times I don't feel heard and I feel like if I told him something he'd be angry. Sometimes he snaps and is like way too straightforward and it just doesn't do well with me. He doesn't support a lot of stuff that I support, like anti body shaming, especially for overweight people and stuff like LGBTQIA+ too, really. I'm mocked in an underhand way if I express that I support stuff that he doesn't really like. It's not straightforward but... I can't shake the feeling.

I do sometimes look forward to the sessions, if only because I'll have someone to talk to...but that's pretty much it. I'm not getting anything out of this. He claims that no one will understand me the way he does, and he keeps comparing my life to his, which I don't like. He says that in a way he and I both very similar and he relates to me and then proceeds to tell me about events in his life. He says that I'm his favorite client and now a good friend too, but I feel like that's not how it should be. And I do make an effort to listen to him tell me stuff about his life but...shouldn't it be the other way round?

Now I'm not saying that he is a bad person. I have loads of my own issues too; severe depression, crippling anxiety, overthinking every freaking thing, I'm like 100% sure I have complex PTSD from this childhood trauma, constant pain everywhere, crazy headaches, flashbacks, nightmares, hallucinations sometimes, and major emotion repression. I'm dealing with a million and one things right now and yes that might be causing me to feel worse about this situation than I should. I admit that I'm not exactly thinking about this in a diplomatic way...but somehow it doesn't feel right, and hence this really long post.

If you're still here, thank you so much. Your reading this is doing something that means a lot to me. Truly.

He exercises a lot, and he gave me a whole schedule to follow with the meals I should eat and the exercise I should do and somehow I never feel like I'm doing enough. If I miss out I can't tell him because he always reprimands me for messing up. I dont feel comfortable about opening up and then he forces me to do that and then when I do I don't feel better.

Lately, we'd been talking about how I need to tell my parents to their face what I feel is wrong with their actions, and how without that happening there's no point to our sessions anymore. Straight up went that if I don't talk to them on this Sunday, then we're not going to have sessions anymore.

I tried explaining to him many times how my mom will never change, how I don't want to enrage them further, how I don't want to give her more information on my life that she can use against me again...but no use.

He insisted over and over again on how she has no idea what she's doing to me, and if we just talked it out, my whole situation will be fine. This is just a huge misunderstanding.

I tried so hard to make him understand that that's not how it works for her, she doesn't want to resolve things and she'll just jump at the first chance she gets to use all my information against me, but no. I tried telling him that I have talked to her before and that I also used to think that if I just told her what they were doing wrong, then they would understand and mend their ways, I mean it took me YEARS to convince myself that it was never gonna happen! I tried it so many times and everytime I fell for this trap and everytime I regretted it but he doesn't get that! At all! That they're never gonna change!

Instead of helping me get over them, instead of telling me how to move on, instead of helping me grieve over my entire childhood... he was forcing me to talk things out with them, because if I didn't tell them I would be keeping it inside me and letting that fester would be bad.

I agree that it's not healthy for me to keep things to myself, which is why I talked to him right? And the things which are troubling me cannot be resolved with them because they refuse to change their ways!

The only thing that would come out of that family discussion is me at a disadvantage and them at an advantage by having all the latest scoop on my life and then have my mom (who is a doctor who has also done a course on CBT) psychoanalyse me even more than she does now. I'd be tailed harder. It will get worse and I know it. I've seen it and I promised myself that I would never make the same mistake of opening up to them honestly ever again. And here Sam wanted me to that very thing.

And I agreed initially, I tried convincing myself that maybe it'll work out and after all, Sam will be defending me and everything (even though he did say he would support them if he found them correct) but I didn't feel good about it. I remembered that a therapist is supposed to make you feel more at ease and let you take your own time to process through things and never force a client to do something if they had doubts about it.

And so I texted him today, and I refused. He said we won't have any more sessions, but I said it's fine. Because I don't want to go to him anymore anyway. I think I would rather have no one to talk to, than have someone belittle my experiences and just overall make me feel worse than I did when I first entered the session.

There's more stuff that was related to this, and if you guys want to know something before making your judgement of this situation, please please please ask me, message me, but please just have a bird's eye view on this whole thing and tell me if I made the right decision...please.

I would really appreciate some feedback right now.

Thank you so,so much for sticking with me till the end of this post. It means the world to me, honestly. I couldn't thank you more.

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

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Ali & Ronnie

Ali: [The day of but later] Ali: I convinced that man not to press charges or anything, the one that got involved Ali: so you don't need to worry about that Ronnie: wasnt Ronnie: tell someone who is Ali: 'course Ali: talking isn't the most useful thing for me to do right now so I'll pass Ronnie: go be useful then little girl Ali: I'm sorry he brought you Ali: that's fucked up Ronnie: course you are Ronnie: youre all well sorry now like Ali: For you, not myself, or ourselves Ronnie: no shit pity works with the rest of your brothers and sisters Ronnie: youre fucked up Ali: How so? Ronnie: show and tells over Ali: I hope it made you feel better Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: none of you give a fuck how I feel Ali: yeah I do Ronnie: wheres it been Ali: you're meant to wait for the kid to make the first move, that's rule #1 Ronnie: if you wanna play by the rules Ali: so I've lost points, that's fine Ali: you don't want us to care, right? Ronnie: the way your family is im almost old enough to be your ma Ronnie: bit fucking late yeah Ali: You do have a solid decade on her, yeah Ali: I'm a late bloomer, clearly Ronnie: ill leave it to her to be proud Ali: a big ask, but I'll survive without Ronnie: like I said Ronnie: fucked Ali: Yeah, a fair bit Ali: nothing to shout about, or that hasn't been now Ronnie: you wanted a first move Ali: It was a choice Ronnie: nah Ronnie: a reaction Ali: That too Ali: like I said, hope it was what you needed it to be? Ronnie: ask him Ali: you just did it for Joe? Ronnie: why else Ronnie: none of you mean shit to me Ali: but he does, yeah Ronnie: connect the dots Ronnie: I bothered to carve each one out Ali: I can tell he loves you Ali: do you love him Ronnie: hes that fucking soft Ali: you do Ali: alright, that's something Ronnie: fuck you youve known him all your life and you dont Ronnie: theres no telling me how I feel Ali: I don't know him or I don't love him? Ronnie: have it both ways Ronnie: he tells it either way Ali: I probably don't know him now Ali: I'll allow that Ali: that's how he wants it so you don't have to defend him like I'm saying I do Ali: or that I'll force it, when he's been so clear Ronnie: hes the last person I can be arsed to defend Ronnie: but no shit he gets everything he wants Ali: What were you after Ali: we disown him Ali: or strongarm him into rehab and therapy Ronnie: yeah Ive got everything crossed for sobriety Ronnie: fucks sake Ali: disowning then, he's done it to us Ali: it won't happen the other way 'round, sorry to say Ronnie: give him your fucking sorry Ronnie: he was the one begging me to ruin it all Ali: close enough that he should still be happy Ali: I'm not sorry for him Ali: I already said, he shouldn't have used you like that Ronnie: thats what happens theres no fucking 💘 and 🥀 Ali: no one deserves that Ronnie: I am no one Ali: You aren't Ali: don't have to be Ronnie: people like their junkies part time or useful or repentant Ronnie: fuck that Ali: that's not your whole gig Ronnie: you don't know shit Ronnie: youre not under my skin or in my head Ali: I know enough to know that's bullshit Ali: if anyone was just their addictions and vices, you wouldn't need them Ronnie: yeah youre the smart one Ronnie: he told me Ali: He's the one at the fancy arts school Ali: how does he reconcile that with being the junkie one Ronnie: youre 16 theres no uni thatd take you yet Ronnie: happy birthday for whenever the fuck it was Ali: Thanks Ali: about a month ago Ali: extend the invite next time Ronnie: dont Ronnie: I wont show Ali: you haven't heard how great my parties are yet Ronnie: I aint a childrens entertainer Ali: be cool if you were Ali: have a heart attack when you showed up Ronnie: next time I need a few quid ill try and remember Ronnie: make you proud of me Ali: probably leave that to Joe, and your friends and fam Ali: but I know how to make balloon animals so hmu Ronnie: course you do Ronnie: youre the target market for hippy crack Ali: awh Ali: how true Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: how long you been in the youngest ones adhd meds Ali: not really my thing Ali: need to calm my brain, not stimulate it harder Ronnie: 💔 Ali: how'd you know about that Ali: doesn't seem like the sort of pillowtalk he'd be about Ronnie: i was in care i know what an kid with adhd looks like Ronnie: and theyve tried to diagnose me as everything but a west little bastard Ali: he's shit scared right now Ronnie: be fucked if he werent Ali: yeah Ali: he doesn't really know Joe Ali: was like 4 when he went to Uni so Ali: proper boogeyman shit Ronnie: mckenna will love that Ronnie: real boner for the misery Ali: someone should get something out of it Ali: he can pay for his therapy later Ali: more meds, whatever Ronnie: ill tell him to put in his will Ali: try not to die Ronnie: itd be the ultimate misery boner Ronnie: why should he stop getting what he wants now Ali: yeah, you do love him Ali: but hate him too Ronnie: 💘🥀 Ali: Is he worth it? Ronnie: youre describing freckles and the princess you know that yeah Ronnie: me and her dont share every dysfunction Ali: Nah, they don't hate each other Ali: loads of other stuff, people Ali: very them vs everyone Ronnie: she hates that she needs him Ronnie: that he makes her soft Ronnie: close enough Ali: You reckon? Ali: Hmm Ronnie: first rule of tortured kids club Ali: it's why she loves him too Ali: you'd understand if her sister had been there Ali: she's got no one to make her soft, I tried but Ronnie: gutted she werent there then Ali: you wouldn't like her any more than she'd like you Ali: it'd be fitting, but no fun Ronnie: thats the fun Ronnie: I hate you all Ali: I see the appeal Ronnie: have a go Ronnie: hate me Ali: I see your appeal Ali: why would I hate you? Ali: Fraze does and he's having the least fun of all Ronnie: you see what you fucking wanna Ronnie: youd have to know me to know if I had any appeal Ali: Then I'm a spoilt hippy brat, as you like it Ali: you'd have to do worse for me to hate you Ali: not my MO Ronnie: not wasting another flight on it Ronnie: kill your own ma Ali: then I'm good for it Ali: sorry again Ali: you did what you set out to do, making me 💔 wasn't part of it Ronnie: stop fucking apologising Ali: it offends you? Ronnie: I did what mckenna cant do for his fucking self being a useless pussy from cradle to grave Ronnie: he is under my skin and in my veins like it or not Ali: yeah, and my apology is worth a damn when you've got problems that big Ali: alright, I won't say it no more Ronnie: if it was for me Id have done it at 10 14 fucking 18 even Ali: 'course, you got fucked over at birth Ali: no other straws needed Ali: his is more of a slowburn of bullshit Ronnie: yeah Ali: I don't know what he's told you, or how much you care about it Ali: but they've always been like it, Fraze too Ali: we have no idea and they went through so much more Ali: but Joe's only got 5 on me, so that says all you really need to know Ronnie: thats lads for you Ronnie: cant handle any pain unless they glorify it Ali: or co-opt it Ali: if you don't wanna be like them, tell him to get his own Ronnie: Im not like them thats why he likes me Ronnie: it aint my winning smile Ronnie: helps that I look like you and your ma course hes that sick Ali: He's hated them both ever since Bea came around, then when we moved her, like it was for her Ali: he's spoilt, like you said Ali: but I really think he is sick, too Ronnie: no shit Ronnie: were both sick Ali: yeah Ali: maybe you'll wanna get help someday Ronnie: for what Ronnie: theres no happy ever after here Ali: to not be sick Ronnie: nice try little girl Ronnie: not gonna get cured Ali: yeah, well has to seem better than sick Ali: that's a big ask Ali: I can't imagine not getting to do the drugs I do, and that's everyone Ronnie: it's like being in a relationship yeah sometimes it makes you feel good sometimes it dont Ronnie: cant fix shit though Ronnie: the rots too deep and its already set in Ronnie: long before I took a hit Ali: That's medication for you Ronnie: thats pain for you Ali: Yeah Ronnie: if I cant cut it out Ill cut her out of me Ronnie: her face outta mine Ali: It's DNA Ali: everything and nothing Ronnie: if she's in my blood ill spill it all Ronnie: theres fuck all point keeping it on the inside Ali: It's a waste of you Ali: the you that ain't her Ronnie: I am the waste Ronnie: ive had enough kids scraped out of me it aint hard Ali: She believed in the happily ever after you don't Ali: more fool her Ronnie: she got it Ali: she wanted it with you Ronnie: bullshit Ali: She did, she loved your biological dad, basically as many years as she'd been about Ali: she didn't just not get an abortion because she was scared Ronnie: she wanted it with him then Ronnie: I was along for the ride til I got dumped out Ronnie: if she wanted me id fucking be there Ali: she could've tried Ali: yeah Ali: you would've got taken away though Ronnie: so what Ali: just that, she wasn't allowed to keep you, she was a 14 year old with no parent, they'd have separated you and put you into different care homes Ali: happened to her friend Ronnie: I was a 14 year old with no parents either Ronnie: and a 4 year old Ronnie: 4 months Ronnie: however the fuck far back you wanna go Ronnie: I still found ways to get shit that I wanted Ali: Yeah, I know Ali: you had enough to eat and a bed with a roof over your head Ali: you wouldn't have if you'd had her, if that was even possible, somehow Ronnie: no I fucking didnt Ronnie: not always Ali: if you were in a home Ali: more than a squat where no fucker pays the bills or gets groceries over smack, you know the situation Ronnie: I know it helps her sleep at night Ronnie: this story Ali: you don't have to add it to your narrative if it fucks with your peace Ali: ask Joe Ali: if he reckons he remembers everything back in Liverpool, he'll remember Ronnie: I dont need to ask him cos his story is that she blinked and her life was so fucking sorted that she pushed a shit ton more kids out Ronnie: where the fuck was I Ronnie: nowhere Ronnie: youre my fucking replacement is why Ali: she could've got you when she got Bea and Ro Ali: I don't know how old you were then, 13? Ali: they might've said she was sorted enough, maybe Ali: it was more, this girl has been abused and you're a friend she trusts who is willing to foster her so let's shove her at you and get her out, it wasn't happy families Ronnie: no need when theres already loads of shiny white kids to mother and 2 less shiny to play saviour too Ali: I could ask Ali: I was a toddler, and it wasn't my bedtime story too, believe it or nah Ronnie: luck of the irish Ali: I'll take 50% Ronnie: her sob story is as fucking useless to me as mckennas misery boners are Ali: 💔 Ali: very convincing performance in that case Ronnie: fuck you Ali: why Ronnie: if you have to ask youre not listening Ali: I meant the part where you necked on with him Ronnie: why not Ali: 'cos his boners are a letdown, obvs Ronnie: I dont need him to make me feel good Ronnie: and he fucking wishes he could do as good of a job as the shit that does Ali: thank God Ronnie: he wanted the shock factor thats me baby Ali: assumed that was his intention Ali: he stopped showing up as himself ages ago though, that was, not more shocking but impactful, let's say Ali: if he wasn't so obviously out of it, he might've known that we knew Ronnie: he wanted to stop showing up full stop Ronnie: til he gets shipped back in a ⚰ Ronnie: and reckoned thatd be the final nail for you all us fucking Ali: and us younger ones are dramatic, hilarious Ali: who doesn't want to get away from home? Ali: Tommy has been since he was 11, Bea went to Cambridge, Ro will too, Fraze only didn't because Bea told him he wasn't allowed to follow her Ali: I'm planning on Singapore, myself Ronnie: hes too pussy to handle being away from me Ronnie: or what I get like when he isnt in my fucking face Ronnie: that bit wasnt about you lot as much like Ali: it's how it goes Ali: that's why people get knocked up, get married, get fabulous careers, so you can have an excuse for why you can't make this weekend, will try to pop in for this event but end up just sending a card Ali: it's weird it's you, of course, you're both sick, duh, but look at it objectively Ali: it's your version of 2.4 kids and a dog Ronnie: he dont want me to slit my own throat or anyone elses but his more fool him Ronnie: cant knock me up or marry me thank christ Ronnie: I like that the dog is smack thats well poetic Ali: I'll have a go at writing it Ali: if you want a null and void illegal wedding too, I'll write those vows and all Ronnie: ill stick it in a song if you want better than happy birthday Ronnie: fuck that i belong to no one Ronnie: theres loads more fun illegal shit to do Ali: you write songs too? Ali: just don't let Joe play cello on it Ali: if depression had a 🎵 Ronnie: id lose money if i begged with him Ronnie: fucking hell Ronnie: looks pathetic enough but thats all Ali: very child actor vibes, or rockstar's kid Ali: you had it all and you pissed it all the wall Ali: not here's a couple of quid for a warm cup of coffee and a sarnie, no Ronnie: i can see his face hearing that Ronnie: id have to take a brick to it Ali: yeah, he probably hates me Ali: not as much as Fraze, didn't have the toddler clout to make us move to Dublin, bit rude Ronnie: you're in his way Ali: of what Ronnie: 💉 Ali: that's his hangup Ali: like I said, no one is forcing him to do shit here Ali: guilt's part and parcel of 💚 and 💉 ain't it Ronnie: youre not telling me shit I dont know Ronnie: hes the one shitting himself hes gonna get chucked in rehab Ronnie: nobodys coming to take me nowhere Ali: I get it Ali: she's shit at turning up Ali: tell her to work on it Ronnie: do what you want Ronnie: far as sisterly advice what ive got is dont ask me for a shot unless youre after a habit Ali: lecturing ain't my gig rn, she loves a bit of it so honestly no need when her 🧠 will be full of the 💔 Ali: cheers, I'll stick to the just saying no of it all Ronnie: get the money up front when you are gigging Ronnie: and take care of the kid when you aint Ali: I will, I do Ali: he's got a few years to grow before I'm going anywhere Ronnie: yeah Ali: and my wife might stay and they're best friends Ronnie: she was the one trying to rival us for most high Ali: ✌💚💉 Ali: it was a party before you walked in Ali: which I'm aware was very much the idea Ali: can I give you a tattoo I'm good Ronnie: go ahead Ronnie: not gonna be here long like Ali: where do you wanna meet, my rig is way portable Ronnie: [a place nearby wherever they are cos god knows but I doubt Joe wants to see Ali and she aint gonna tell him that's where she's going LOL] Ali: 👍 Ali: about 25 on my 🚲 Ronnie: reckon i can stay alive til then

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rayinpixels · 5 years

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Hey I'm the person from Aaron stealthboy's ask and I'm in a really conflicting time. Im a 1.5 months in and the changes are starting to pick up and I'm worried I won't be able to handle them. I feel like they should feel more natural than this but I can't get over the fact I'm doing this to myself. Really the only thing that's bugging me is the hair growth and voice deepening because so any other people notice them. I feel like I can't talk about my concerns.

there’s a lot to talk about here, and it’s gonna be a pretty long read, i hope that’s okay, anon.

i will say that from my own experience and from what i’ve noticed in watching others’ transitions, the first 3 months on T are when some of the most drastic changes occur. after that, changes do continue to happen, but they’re just building/continuing the changes that have already started.

as far as this being something you’re doing to yourself, there’s a couple different ways you can try to re-frame it in you mind:

you could try to own it and find power in the fact that you are giving yourself these changes, but i think from the information you’ve given me, i think this may work better:

separate the act of taking T from the changes it causes. i personally do this, and it’s kind of a sub-conscious thing for me. i look at T is just another medication i take. on conscious level, i know it’s what causes these changes, but for whatever reason i’ve just kind of.. separated them in my mind. i just kind of think of it as second puberty, and i may have kick-started it but i look it as my body has more control over what it does what the testosterone than i do, i’m just administering it.

i just went off T to have top surgery for 3 weeks, and during those 3 weeks, nothing has felt different. no changes, at all.

i remember when i was going to these group therapy session for transgender adults, there was a lady there who at some point lost her job and couldn’t afford to keep taking estrogen, she’d be off it for almost a year, but none of us could’ve ever guessed. i wish i could remember her exact quote but, it was something like “even if you stop (taking hormones) for a while, your body will pick up the slack.”

i guess what i’m trying to get at is, don’t put so much of this pressure on yourself. yes, you did start the process and these changes wouldn’t be possible without your intervention, but, your body is ultimately the one in control here.

that being said, it’s pretty understandable if it feels like everything is happening too fast and you want to take it slower. T is pretty damn potent. it might be worthwhile to ask your doctor about lowering your dosage. from my experience, they’re more likely to be okay with lowering your dosage than asking for a higher dosage. i’m on a pretty low dosage myself, and several of the changes i went through felt really slow. like, my voice dropped really quick, but it took forever for me to get facial hair.

i’m glad i transitioned, and i can’t imagine not having done it. but it wasn’t an easy process and i felt pressured to be happy and excited every step of the way even when i felt unsure. for the first year, i felt.. just alien. i didn’t look masculine enough, not feminine enough to look pretty either though, so i just felt like.. this weird vaguely human shaped blob. it just kinda sucked to take such a big step towards being who you want to be and then feel like you can’t even see yourself when you look in the mirror.

it just sucks that we feel like we have to be ecstatic about every step through transition and can’t talk about the difficult parts of transition, lest we get people telling us we should’ve stayed as we were.

i hope this helps some, this part of your transition is one of the most difficult and i’m glad your asking for help.

you can keep messaging me on anon if you like, but if you want to discuss this more privately don’t be afraid to message me off anon either! wishing for the best for you!

#Anonymous

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stickywitchphilosopher · 4 years

Text

EVERY BODY STAY BACK I'M GOING TO VENT!

TW: ugh... Just be careful

I'm sure my parents know I smoke weed...

Mom already saw me and I always stink, I'm not worried too much about it, what can they do as punishment? I'm a broke ass 22y/o public college student with no social life, or many ways of entertainment, I live with my parents in a bunk bed with my 25y/o sister, It's quarantine and we just moved to a smaller apartment, Dad brought his 11 cats so it's a nightmare of crap, furr, vomiting, and Mom goes nuts.

I'm sure she told my Dad I smoke and he is too ashamed to talk about it with me, I hope he hits me as hard as when you found out my sister was caught shoplifting at Wal.mart, I'm trying to remain calm between panic atacks and ripping my hair off, super extreme mood swings, the fact that I'm almost out of Venlafaxine...

Oh dear stars! I'm gonna be so fucked when they decide it's time for me to shut up and listen to the shit they say about me, I'm trying to be careless about it, but Damm words hit hard.

I'm a whore because I had a boyfriend I want that word on a t-shirt to piss you off...

Yes I'm worse because at least whores charge money

Yes I was 13 when I first had sex, probably it's not all my fault?

Yes I was just trying to get out of you...

Yes I remember that time I left the GPS on and I was at a bar at 3 am with some girls from my class, I wanted to make you think I was popular (I have never been there again, tho) it was on my first semester IT'S BEEN THREE YEARS

Can't we speak like adults? with no insulting? No?

Oh, yea! it's because you're superior to me! So you and my teachers and boss can disrespect me, and I just have to take it.

You know what? FINE, disrespect me! I don't care

tell me what to do and I'll do it,

I won't use too much space

I'll be gentle and kind

I'll kill myself studying

I won't sleep when you're not sleeping

I won't ask for favors

I won't eat too much food

BUT I NEED WEED

Just because you bottle up your feelings doesn't mean I have to be the toilet you shit on! You keep looking for every single mistake I make...

But you never hug me, not tell me that you love me, because you don't

You can't love me because I'm just like you AND YOU HATE YOURSELF THE MOST and I "loved" you, or the idea I had about you, because you got rid of me since I was 8months old and I was TOO CLINGY... I cried a lot, your solution was punishment

Then we moved when I was 4

I was raised by the TV, like many dad worked all day and got home twice a week at 11pm the other days we wouldn't even come back, mom started going to therapy (I think she also wanted to get away from us I don't blame her

I wouldn't want to be with me either

Was everything going to be better? Will she stop hitting us every

Welp I'm just gonna tell you my anxiety atacks happen at 6 o'clock in the afternoon when we were left alone.

I know my mom tried to kill herself when she was younger and she was sexually abused by her older brother as a child

I know my grandmother was a fucking monster, and broke all her children souls

I know my mom was forced to mary an abusive husband at 16yo...

I know both my grandfathers hitted my grandmothers, I know every one of my sexually abused cousins,

I know my father's dad killed his brother in law, I know he was an alcoholic, I know they rather spend Christmas at my youngest aunt house rather than ours, even though we pay their rent...

But I'm a weak ass cry baby for going to a psychiatrist and taking meds...I know I don't deserve shit, but

And my undiagnosed-asperger sister? She can do whatever she wants? They hate her at job, her boyfriend just uses her, she has a seriously bad Eating disorder,

And if she keeps hitting my cat I'm gonna hit her, because that's how you taught me to solve problems with my older sister,

When she bullied me, hit me, killed my pets, hated me to death and broke my spirit every single day starting at 6o'clock in the afternoon... until I grew big enough to beat the shit out of her.

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years

Text

Grace & Ava

Grace: ive been doing my best distracting for literally EVER, when are you gonna run off to meet your mystery married man??! Ava: Change of plan Ava: no need Grace: he had to cancel? ugh that's the WORST Ava: yeah Ava: to be expected Grace: thank god 🙏 you've got me here to cheer you up, yeah? 💜 Ava: deffo 💙 Grace: sooo what do you wanna do? literally anything obvs Ava: you can choose Grace: 👌👌🤔🤔🤔 Grace: SOMETHING on King's Road will definitely get you smiling again, babes I know it! Grace: retail therapy legit has therapy in the name, like that's not a coincidence, thank you Ava: Sounds perfect Grace: & it was a good party too like Grace: all things considered Ava: I don't throw any other kind Grace: well duh! but I was throwing the spotlight onto myself & all the cringe things I thankfully didn't do 🥂🤞 Ava: You were cool Ava: from what I recall Grace: idk but if that boy wants to hit me up again before I leave I'm not gonna be mad about it Ava: Teddy? Grace: as if that's his name though 🧸💖 how cute Ava: Yeah, he's pretty sweet Grace: don't even cos I didn't pack a gym look & I will have to 🏃 Ava: 😏🙄 Ava: make up your mind, like Grace: excuse me for not checking his nice boy credentials before we 💋 Grace: at the party he was more like 😈😈 Ava: You're crazy Ava: Fine, he's a bit of a prick, better? Grace: is he though?? Ava: He's just a typical lad, idk Ava: he's a mate but not like a best friend Grace: okay Ava: sorry Grace: ??! I'm the one who's being mental Ava: You're so fine Ava: I'm just hanging so hard Ava: gimme a sec to get myself together and sorted, yeah Grace: obvs Grace: did you hit him up last night? Ava: yeah we talked for a bit Grace: is that when he cancelled or did you get to wake up to that? Ava: no, he told me last night Grace: but you're gonna see him on Monday still, yeah? & that'll be so worth the wait Ava: Yeah, totally Ava: I didn't think we'd make the weekend anyway Grace: his 👰💍 is probs so in his face like !! nightmare Ava: exactly, who doesn't do family stuff at the weekend Ava: I'm not fussed Grace: you're so chill Grace: I totally need some of that vibe Ava: 🤷 Ava: There's no point stressing on things I can't change Grace: yeah but just cos you KNOW that doesn't mean you can just DO it Grace: I so can't anyway Ava: Shopping will help Grace: we gotta get you something so cute 😍😘😈 to wow your boyfriend Ava: He's not my boyfriend, first-off Ava: 🤵💍 remember Ava: but secondly, duh Grace: 😂 Grace: I hope that call was a facetime btw babes cos you looked AMAZING Grace: & I'm taking SO MUCH credit Ava: It was and yes 😘 Ava: drink definitely did not do me favours but it was not mortifyingly bad Grace: the awkward moment when your boyfriend is a sober dad Ava: ignoring you Grace: oh please Grace: you're so into him Ava: like you said, it's obviously not a longterm thing Grace: honey NEVER take dating advice from me! 😱😱😱 Ava: it wasn't advice, it was realistic Ava: like what, I'm gonna be his mistress? Ava: it's just fun Grace: 👌👌 like that's never happened, you could totally be his mistress Grace: he'd be so lucky tbh Ava: yeah, he would Ava: too much aggro though Grace: I feel that Grace: his wifey could try & 🔪🔪 you Ava: Right? Ava: I'm good Ava: she can lose him herself Grace: 👏👑 Ava: Saint was much less annoying when he couldn't talk as much Grace: IKR?! Grace: ugh boys they never know when to shh Ava: thank god that one can't talk yet Grace: 😂 she's sassy with it already though 🤷💅 Ava: yeah that's a word for it Grace: OMG how old is your man's 👶 cos you know that's OBVS the last time they hooked up Ava: I'm not sure Ava: about the same, maybe a bit younger? Grace: & did you ever find out if he was getting with any of the other girls when you did the uni thing? Ava: Nah he wasn't trying to get on anyone else Ava: not claiming I'm the first or anything ridiculous, he's cheated on her plenty but that week specifically Grace: why does he sound so PURE?! like 🥺💖 Ava: 😂 Grace, he's a serial cheater Grace: yeah but who isn't babes Ava: I've never Ava: 'til now, obviously Grace: you aren't even now there's no 💍 on your finger, girl Grace: & same but I'd need a boyfriend for that sooo Ava: I am 'cos I know he's in a relationship Ava: 💍 and all Ava: can't be pleading any fake ignorance Grace: but you also know she's a psychotic bitch & he's 💔 yeah? Ava: yeah Ava: but that's his excuse, reason, whatever Ava: what's mine Grace: he's hot but also adorable & you like him Grace: duh Ava: 'course Ava: I don't think that clears my good name though 😏 Ava: but idc Grace: join me over here with my bad rep Ava: 👌👌 Ava: draw the line at going out like this though Ava: I need a bath Grace: I won't stage a hoe intervention like I got but yeah true you don't need to be looking like you're doing a walk of shame Ava: I doubt you could be more convincing than I am, no offense Grace: rude! Ava: you've been so blatantly pro this entire situation it'd be disingenuous by default to change sides now, nothing personal Grace: can you NOT throw big words at me rn you're not the only one who partied too hard like Ava: 😘😘 okay truce Grace: 💜 Grace: I have to figure out which boy I want to be blowing my phone up, so excuse you Ava: Enjoy 💙 Grace: mhmm 🙄🙄 Grace: so not fml Ava: how do you cope Grace: idk babes idk Ava: 🥇 Grace: 👑

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

Text

Grace & Janis

Grace: is that you or has one of the others beat me to your room? Janis: what the hell where you gonna do in my room Grace: just have more getting ready space Janis: yeah, basement lighting is 🔥 Grace: & I don't want them looking better than me duh Grace: whatever are you okay?? Janis: sure Janis: well they won't be if they try and come in here Janis: why wouldn't I be Grace: obvs 🙄 Grace: not gonna send them in now Grace: is your boyfriend?? did his dad freak out? Janis: I'm not telling you so you can tell everyone Grace: um excuse you Grace: I wouldn't Grace: I'm asking cos you said his dad was like Grace: 😱😱😱 Janis: Well he's fine Janis: but he's staying so can you all try not to be so loud Grace: 👌👌👌👌 Janis: how many of them are coming back here Grace: I'll make them go to Mia's Janis: alright Janis: tah Grace: ew don't thank me Grace: are you coming to the party tonight babes? Janis: don't be a dick Janis: yeah Janis: who's is it again Grace: RUDE Grace: Leah's?? is that her name? Grace: 🤔🤔 Grace: oh Asia says her name's Lara Grace: whatever Janis: 😏 Janis: yeah, whatever Janis: are you making dad take you or what Grace: ugh don't remind me so cringe Grace: I think we're gonna order a lift so I don't die of embarrassment Janis: you're way too pissed the feel shame Grace: I AM NOT Grace: but maybe I will ask him cos Mia isn't here Grace: none of the other girls will be THAT RUDE Janis: may as well Janis: he's a pushover Grace: are you coming with? Janis: nah Janis: wouldn't be room anyway would there Grace: not like safely but they've fitted way more of us in than that when we were little OMG Grace: how are you gonna get there? Janis: well we ain't and you ain't sitting on his lap Janis: walk, easiest Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: you could Grace: OMG no it's like REALLY far Janis: Not really Janis: we'll be fine Grace: you just wanna walk so you can be alone 💕 Grace: sooo cute Janis: it's more about avoiding yous but go off Grace: well that's mean Grace: so glad you don't mean it & are 😍😍 Janis: 😏🖕 whatever you say Grace: OMG don't be horrible to me Janis: Why Janis: that's what I do, yeah Grace: cos Mia's being 😈😈😈 Grace: & I can't even Janis: Quelle suprise Janis: what's new??? Grace: ugh I know okay Grace: she came over today to get her tattoo touched up like that's a sorry NO BITCH Grace: so then all the other girls HAD TO 🙄🙄🙄 obvs Grace: but like?? I didn't want to so Grace: Like excuse you it hurts every time & you're being THE WORST Janis: she wants you to suffer Janis: again, shocker Grace: this date needs to happen even though EWW Grace: thank god he's not gonna be at this party Janis: not slumming it Grace: IKR 🙄🙄 Grace: like this girl doesn't live in a really nice house Grace: & is really pretty Grace: UGH Janis: what a bitch Janis: 🙄 Grace: you're still coming on the date, yeah? Grace: even though barista boy is ex barista now Janis: Weren't in it for the iced coffees Janis: yeah, said I would Grace: what even happened? Grace: you weren't but he was better than that other boy the CG has Janis: 💔 Janis: glad to know news doesn't travel that fast Grace: OMG are you really not gonna tell me??! Janis: so you can be the first to know Janis: oddly enough, no, I ain't Grace: UGH Grace: I hate you Grace: fine 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: exactly Janis: so why would i tell you literally anything Grace: Whatever Grace: I'm over it Janis: 👍 for you babes Grace: hopefully won't see you later, babes Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: so convincing Janis: well done Grace: thanks Grace: I'd have given it my full attention but getting ready already has it sadly Janis: you need it Janis: I understand Janis: oh wait, no I don't Janis: right Grace: mhmm Janis: 😂 Grace: 🙄 Grace: stop talking to me Janis: why Janis: can't multitask Grace: I just told you no Grace: ugh Janis: 😂 Janis: it's all the hairspray Grace: why do you have to be such a bitch? Grace: your boyfriend is literally there, annoy him Janis: funny Janis: and don't worry 'bout him, I can multitask Grace: 👍 for you babes Grace: sure he loves that about you Janis: amongst other things Janis: no doubt Grace: EW Grace: you don't wanna tell me anything but you HAD to say that Janis: alright now it's not you being OTT you don't wanna know Janis: this is how it is, bitch, stop Grace: I don't wanna hear all your humble brags Grace: excuse me Janis: I ain't tryna be humble so don't worry Grace: obvs Grace: so hush Grace: I'm over giving you this much credit Janis: don't need you to Janis: he's right here, like you said 😘 Grace: I haven't been defending you to him, duh Grace: just everyone else Janis: again, no need Janis: literally do not and have never cared what your mates reckon Grace: again, obvs Janis: not like any of them were there Janis: weirdly Grace: I know Grace: like you said, nobody's talking about that Grace: neither was I Janis: just how much you all hate me as standard Janis: cool Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: yeah that's why I said I have to defend you 24 7 Grace: sure Grace: go away I'm too busy for your bitchery rn okay Janis: sounds like a you problem not a me Janis: full-time occupation with your own no doubt babes Grace: shut up Grace: sooo annoying Janis: not the one adding extra letters for emphasis here Grace: if you ever listened I wouldn't need to Janis: to what? Janis: you never saying anything Grace: I literally said, leave me alone Grace: ugh Grace: it's not like you wanna talk to me so just don't Janis: and I said no Janis: keep up Grace: um HELLO!? I can't Grace: I have a million other things to do Janis: like what Grace: oh sure I'm gonna waste my time telling you them all Grace: I don't need to give you more things to make fun of me about thanks Janis: something we can agree on Grace: hilarious hun Janis: bit tragic Janis: if we're being honest, hun Grace: well since when are we? Janis: I don't lie Janis: just you Grace: sure Jan Janis: I'd say try me but you'd have to be real for at least as long as it takes to ask a question and you're incapable Grace: why would I want to? Grace: so get over it Janis: why would you wanna be real Janis: no idea Janis: probably 'cos you're shite at this whole act Grace: why would I want to with YOU Grace: I don't so I'm not Janis: Acting like you ain't begged now Janis: 👌 Grace: UM excuse you Grace: I have not Grace: don't flatter yourself babes Grace: 👌 Janis: 😂 Janis: you know your lies don't work here, like Janis: if anywhere Grace: Literally could care less what you think works for me Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: Oh babes Janis: if you cared anymore you'd implode Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: you wish, honey Janis: nah Janis: not that bitch Janis: not that bothered Grace: then stop trying to keep a convo going Grace: get a life Janis: 💔 Janis: middle school insults still alive and well Janis: that's cute Grace: Like I've said numerous times, you're not getting my best Janis: Like we all know, this is it Janis: but go off saving it for that someone special Janis: love that for you Grace: oh please Janis: begging ain't gonna help, I told you Grace: if you think that's begging you need the help Janis: if you think you don't reek of desperation, the reality check is long overdue Grace: what I think is none of your business so Janis: you think? Janis: babes! so proud 💕 Grace: literally kill me Janis: would but you know Janis: funerals are expensive Janis: give us another year I reckon Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: saving cos your got your man fired, love that Grace: v romantic Janis: bitch i ain't paying for you Janis: put you out with the bin if it was down to me Grace: so glad nothing's up to you Janis: so glad you're not my burden Grace: likewise bitch Grace: 💕💕💕 Janis: oh I'm not today? Janis: how nice for you Grace: I meant I'm glad I'm not yours Grace: you're always mine Janis: 😂 Janis: so predictable Janis: any chance to be a whiny lil bitch Grace: so predictable Grace: any chance to be a HUGE bitch for no reason Grace: 🙄 Janis: no reason Janis: i know you looking at it right now in the mirror Grace: I know I've literally done NOTHING to you Grace: except ask how you are, HOW DARE I, like Grace: but sure Janis: Sure Janis: just existing is enough, you know that's how it is so don't play the victim when you set the rules Grace: whatever Grace: I can't do this with you all night if I'm setting rules Grace: fun as it is 💋 Janis: You ain't Grace: typo or?? Grace: cos you literally just said I did babe Janis: you ain't doing it all night Janis: literally no stamina Grace: 😂😂😂 Janis: 🤡 Grace: 💔 Janis: thank god Grace: if you wanna break hearts do your bfs Grace: way easier & more fun Janis: what would you know about that Janis: come on now Grace: obvs nothing Grace: go with that Grace: then I don't have to talk to you Janis: you admitted it Janis: or have you blocked out your changing room trauma Janis: probably owe that poor girl therapy Grace: I said I haven't had a boyfriend, it doesn't mean I haven't ever hurt a lad Grace: like I said, it's easy Grace: you don't even have to mean to Janis: 😂😂😂 Janis: ooh Janis: bad bitch coming thru Janis: where's your mug with the affirmation on so we really buy it Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: & you wonder why I'm never honest with you Janis: Who's wondering Janis: pointing out fact ain't asking you to Grace: just go away Janis: no Grace: if you're really this bored you need a new boyfriend Janis: if you're really this incapable of ignoring me you need to assess your life Grace: obvs Grace: I'll add to my to-do list Janis: what is actually wrong with you grace Janis: serious Janis: work it out, keep us posted Grace: I've already told you, why should I go into it with you? Grace: you don't care Grace: I don't need to give you the ammunition Janis: nice to put a name to a problem Janis: lay it to rest Janis: don't be selfish Grace: I'm not your problem Grace: make up your own if you're that fussed Janis: sadly untrue Janis: i got theories Janis: not a professional, 'less you're paying but let's help it ain't that dire Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: Dad said he'd take us so you two can take him up on it if you like Grace: I don't need to Janis: getting the uber black is it Grace: no Grace: can't you hear them leaving? they are loud enough Janis: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: really Grace: IKR Grace: learn to walk in heels Grace: embarrassing at this point Janis: what are you doing Grace: the same thing I've been trying to do this entire convo Grace: duh Janis: you're not ready Grace: obvs not Grace: some of us take longer than your 10 mins babe Janis: jesus Grace: he's not gonna be v helpful with my hair Grace: his is natural Janis: how is that you're so slow you've pissed off the most annoying girls in the world Janis: sort it out Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: you think they're ready? so cute Grace: Mia clicked her fingers so they left Grace: she has 💔boy drama💔 she needs to scheme to solve Grace: can't do it alone, she'd have to have an independent thought, duh Janis: ha Janis: even worse Grace: if you say so Janis: you don't? Janis: love having such cunts for friends who'll drop you like a sack of shit, naturally Grace: love being able to concentrate Grace: & hear myself think Grace: & now I don't have to go to the party so Janis: why are you still perming your fucking pubes then Grace: EW Janis: seriously Grace: You are seriously GROSS Janis: grow up Grace: no Grace: See how annoying that is? Janis: you're teaching me? Janis: you started that lesson fresh out the womb don't be acting like this is revolutionary doll Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: here come the hieroglyphics Grace: I'm ignoring you now Grace: so boring Janis: 💔💔💔 Janis: how will I go on Janis: wonderbread doesn't think I'm interesting Grace: fine by me if you don't Janis: 😱😱😱 Grace: [doesn't reply cos ignoring] Janis: 💀💀💀 Janis: 👻👻👻 Grace: [still doesn't cos actually trying to get ready] Janis: Grace Janis: grace Janis: grace Janis: gracieeeeeeeeee Grace: OMG SHUT UP Janis: 😂 Grace: [goes back to ignoring] Janis: know you're checking these Janis: case it's one of your pals Janis: ain't though Janis: just me Janis: unlucky Grace: [still ignoring cos she is capable sometimes] Janis: 😭😭😭 Grace: [probably is crying knowing her so not gonna answer] Janis: the selfie you'll get gonna be so worth all this effort Janis: so many ❤s Grace: if it was for that, I would, thanks Grace: so supportive Janis: you said you ain't going Janis: no need to 🤡 to mope around your room Grace: I'm not going or moping Grace: not that it's your buisiness Janis: making another video doesn't count Janis: sad times Grace: I'm not doing that either Grace: but there's plenty of cat videos for you to watch, babes Grace: don't be too sad Janis: it's so hard though Janis: you get it Janis: you live with all Janis: that Grace: mhmm Janis: i'm over how mysterious you're tryna be now and my 10 minutes is up Janis: i hope someone cares 💕 Grace: It's not mysterious that it's none of your business what I do Grace: but I'm glad you're finally at my boredom level with this convo Grace: 👋 Janis: loving the convo Janis: you're such a natural you should really like Janis: sit in your room and film yourself talking to yourself Janis: that'd be so sick Janis: only half your comments will be asking when you're getting your tits out like Ri 👌 Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: leave me one babes I'll be so sure to get back to you Janis: must be so hard Janis: with your 14 followers and a comined IQ of 32 Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: 💔 Grace: 💋 Janis: you wish Grace: not even Janis: 👌 Janis: God bless Grace: bye Janis: no Grace: awh you gonna talk to me all through the party? Grace: so cute Janis: ikr Janis: i'm adorable Grace: tell it to your boyfriend Grace: see if you can't make him believe it Janis: you know all your putdowns only work if you're deeply insecure? Janis: again, more of a you problem Janis: 😬 awkies Grace: it's not a putdown Grace: genuinely hoping you two go the distance Grace: I already said so Janis: 😂 Janis: ew Grace: 💕💕💕 Grace: hopefully you'll get stronger words from Mia when she finds you at the party Grace: she's really 💔 over that boy if not Janis: gotta have one to break it, kid Grace: a fake one works well enough for her purposes Grace: & it's fake 💔 Janis: you always chat as if everyone doesn't know Janis: you're the only ones tonguing her hole, love Grace: ew Grace: & you wish obvs Janis: wow Janis: back at it with the gay jokes Janis: hit all 3, well done Grace: excuse you for wanting me to be in love with her or something Janis: you are Janis: and it's like Janis: well Janis: casual battered wife, want me to get you a place in a hostel Grace: I told you, girls don't do it for me, sorry to burst that bubble for you Grace: nobody's more devastated than me, trust Janis: no shit Janis: no self-respecting dyke is touching your shit with a bargepole Janis: your issues make the boys uncomfortable imagine someone capable of empathy, christ Grace: 💔 Janis: you mentioned Janis: the nation mourns, kid Grace: sure Janis: toodle-oo Grace: 👋

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