#when i get the brainpower back to think of tags

[capn-twitchery]

i lost track when my body attacked me last night--if you reblogged an ask meme last night & didn't get an ask from me, like/reply to this post & i'll send you one >:3

#body and brain very uncooperative this week i'm gonna have a hell of a queue going #when i get the brainpower back to think of tags #rn tho time to send asks and try to go draw #and maybe answer some of the asks i got (thank you if you sent one!!!♥︎) #fredspeaks

[trblsvt]

in this life | choi seungcheol

summary | honestly, you didn’t really care what choi seungcheol did anymore. but, when his mom called you saying there was an accident, you found yourself at the foot of his bed. genre | fluff, angst, hurt/comfort; exes!au warnings | swearing, mentions of hospitals, injuries from an accident (not life threatening), mentions of drinking, suggestive… for like a flashback, nudity (non-sexual and not descriptive), miscommunication possibly…, jealousy…, insecurities/self-doubt word count | 13.47k words pairing | choi seungcheol x fem!reader minli | lowercase intended i literally have nothing to say about this. sort of a monster to write. i had so many ideas for this, yet little brainpower to execute! it was a fun concept and the longest fic i’ve written for this blog… italics mean flashback or past event… update | i forgot a few things to tag under warnings, sorry :( they have been added

you were doing great, just great. it started raining when you left your umbrella back at your apartment. you were late to work, and you spilled your coffee on the way out of the door. things were great, and it had been seven months since you and your boyfriend called it quits.

you’d like to say it ended in a big blaze of glory, something movie-like, but it was just the opposite. you had sat down with seungcheol and told him that you were unhappy. he was always too busy and refused to make time for anything other than his work. as for you, well you were tired. when you told him, he sort of just looked at you blankly and just shrugged.

he fucking shrugged. great. so that was it. you just stared at him blankly. he wasn’t even going to put up a fight. two years down the drain.

“so that’s it?” you had asked before you left.

“yeah, i guess so,” he had replied.

and that’s how it ended, you packed up your stuff and went back to your apartment. you technically weren’t living with seungcheol, you still had your lease and whatever, but you spent a lot of time at seungcheol’s.

you finally made it to the office and clocked in. nothing important was going on today which was nice, but also this meant your day was going to be endlessly boring. at least it was friday. 

you sat down and logged into your computer. “shouldn’t you change your home screen?” a voice startled you out of your thoughts of the hours to come. you spun around in your chair and stared at your friend minjeong. you looked between her and your computer screen. you knew what she was talking about, but you decided to play dumb. “what are you talking about?” you asked. minjeong sort of glared at you.

“that’s from your vacation to jeju,” she frowned.

the same vacation seungcheol took you on.

“yeah, it’s a sunset for jeju. what about it?” you huffed. she didn’t respond, just gave you a look. you knew that look. it was the “i know better than you, why aren’t you listening to me?” look. “seungcheol isn’t even in this picture,” you defended your screensaver.

“but seungcheol was there. that’s a memory with seungcheol,” she countered. she was right. you probably should’ve changed it, but whether it was with seungcheol or not, it was a nice picture. “yeah, it is, but we’re on good terms so what’s the big deal?” you blurted out.

there was the “you’re such a liar” look. “really? when’s the last time you talked to seungcheol since you broke up?” she entertained you even though you both knew you hadn’t contacted seungcheol once since you broke up. “well, it’s not like i keep track or anything, that would be weird,” you brushed her off. you could practically hear her rolling her eyes. “seriously, ___, i don’t think this is healthy for you to still keep remnants of your relationship with him around. it’s going to prevent you from moving on,” she explained.

“i know, just- just give me a little time,” you sighed.

“time? it’s been seven months! how about we go out tonight? you can get your sights on some new man. i think i overheard that changkyun is going out tonight at that new bar.”

“now why would i be interested in where changkyun is going tonight?” you scoffed. minjeong had a theory that changkyun had been crushing on you since he first joined the company, but you were too “lovesick” with seungcheol to see. “he’s so into you! i’m not saying to marry the guy, just take your mind off seungcheol. it’s his loss anyway,” minjeong laughed. 

you wanted to believe that, you really did.

you had every intention of going out with minjeong, but the day was going on so momentously, you weren’t sure if you could stand up straight for another second. you both had to unexpectedly stay longer and work overtime, and it might have been the death of you. you heard minjeong’s cheery humming coming around the corner. “are you ready to get absolutely wasted?” she smiled.

“i was going for more of a buzzed thing,” you yawned.

“oh no, don’t do that. you get so quiet when you’re tired before you drink,” she whined. you looked at her, but she was right. you had about three different moods when you were drunk. one, loud. two, quiet. three, insane. and most of the time, the way you ended up correlated to how you were feeling before you drank. you couldn’t explain it, but it just happened.

you were about to offer a clever rebuttal when your phone started ringing. “one second,” you didn’t even bother to check the caller id. “hello?” you replied.

“ah, ___ thank you for answering,” a familiar voice floated through the phone. you paused. you pulled your phone away from your ear and looked at the name on the call.

mrs. choi.

“mrs. choi, hello, i wasn’t expecting you to call me,” you said almost breathlessly. you glanced over at minjeong and she stared at you, wide-eyed. “___, dear. i’m so glad you picked up. i need you to come over,” she sighed. she sounded tired like she had been crying. wait. she wanted you to come over? for what? “come over? what’s going on? is everyone okay?” you asked, logging off your computer and placing the few things you took out of your bag, back into the bag.

“i have hope that it will be. seungcheol was in a car accident.”

you apologized profusely to minjeong and left the office rushing to the seungcheol’s apartment. you knew the way to his apartment, to him, like the back of your hand. you punched the code in that bypassed the need to be buzzed in, and made your way to the elevator.

after you pressed the button to the fifth floor of the complex you felt your hands become inexplicably sweaty. why did you rush over here like a lovesick fool? you weren’t even dating him anymore. why did his mom call you? what was going on? the elevator dinged, alerting you that it was time to get out.

you made your way down to his apartment. 5-12. it looked the same since the last time you were there. you stared at the door. it had been so long since you had been there. your heart was beating so fast, you didn’t know what to do. so, you just knocked.

the door flew open almost instantly. “___, my dear, come in,” mrs. choi welcomed you warmly. you smiled and bowed slightly. when you stepped through the doorway your first instinct was to run away, but you couldn’t. you kicked your shoes off and followed mrs. choi in the direction of seungcheol’s bedroom.

she lightly grasped at your arm. “the car crash happened a couple days ago. we just got out of the hospital. he broke his right leg. it was jammed against the dash and steering wheel. he also has a bruised lung from the airbag, and a mild concussion from the collision,” she explained. you nodded. that sounded awful. where did he crash? did someone crash into him, or did he crash into someone else?

almost reading your mind, she added, “he didn’t hurt anyone else. it was raining the other day. it was dark and his car hydroplaned into a barrier. the cops thought it might’ve been a drunk driving incident since they found newly bought alcohol in the back of his car, but there wasn’t any in his system.”

you were still rendered speechless. seungcheol was the safest driver you knew. he always warned you about hydroplaning and what to do if it happened. why didn’t he do what he always told you?

you realized you were spaced out when mrs. choi rested a hand on your shoulder. “i was surprised that you didn’t come the other day, but seungcheol insisted that you were away on a trip of some sort. he didn’t want me to call you, but you’re his girlfriend! i had to tell you at some point, and you’re obviously back in town,” she exclaimed. “thank you so much for coming, ___. i don’t know where seungcheol would be without you.”

you’re his girlfriend.

what the fuck?

you certainly were not his girlfriend anymore. why did she think you were together? it had been seven months. mrs. choi was sharp, she wouldn’t accidentally slip and say you were his girlfriend unless that is if…

then it dawned on you. 

for whatever reason, seungcheol never told his mom the two of you broke up.

fuck.

seungcheol was sick. he was more than sick. he was hurt, physically. and his mom only wanted what was best for her son. she brought you here for something. you weren’t about to make this poor woman’s day worse by telling her you weren’t dating seungcheol anymore, so you played along. “yes, i just got back from a business trip. i always tell seungcheol to call me if something’s the matter. i’m so glad you called me, i wasn’t going to come over for another day or two because of his work schedule,” you pretended. she looked at you fondly. “i always knew you were a good one, ___,” she smiled. it pained you to lie to her, but it seemed like the best option for now.

“we just got back from the hospital a few hours ago. he’s all set up in there. i’m not sure if he’s awake now, but do you want to see him?” she asked. you nodded quietly. you didn’t know what you were going to do in front of seungcheol. you preferred not to think about it.

“before you go in, i have a large favor to ask you. i understand you’re a busy person, but if you could, oh my i feel so embarrassed to ask this. if you could stay with him for a while. take some time off and take care of him because i really cannot stay. my father is ill and i must return home to care for him,” she laughed bitterly. “i would stay, and i would never dream of dumping this sort of responsibility on just anyone, but you’re his girlfriend. not saying girlfriends and wives are only meant for taking care of husbands and boyfriends, but i know you care about seungcheol. i just thought it-”

“yes, i can do that,” you cut her off. why did you say that? “i can contact my manager and work remotely.” why do you keep saying things like this? suddenly mrs. choi’s arms were around you. “thank you, thank you, thank you, dear. i am so grateful for you, and i know my son is too. thank you! i must get going, but i already stocked the fridge. you can go in. once again, thank you so much. our family owes you so much,” she cried. you rubbed her back. “oh, don’t say that. you don’t owe me anything. i’m just happy he’s alright,” you whispered.

that was the first truthful thing you said in that entire interaction.

when you entered the room, mrs. choi accompanied you. seungcheol was awake. he stared longingly out the window on the opposite side of the room away from the door. “honey, there’s someone here to see you,” mrs. choi called gently. you wanted to hide, so you tried to. partially behind her and you looked over her shoulder. seungcheol tried to adjust himself and he slowly turned over to look at his mother. “mom, i really didn’t want to see anyone-” he began, but his eyes met yours and he froze.

“oh come on, darling, it’s ___. she’s agreed to help out some. she cares about you,” she cooed. seungcheol looked like a child who got caught going through the cookie jar.

due to the dim light, you couldn’t really see that well, but you noticed the large soft cast that he had on his right leg. it looked like he was having a hard time breathing, that was the bruised lung. he had some cuts on his face that had already scabbed over, but you noticed some dark spots on his pillow, maybe he had been picking at them. he had a habit of picking at his scabs.

but the most striking thing to you was how pale he was. he looked like a ghost, which was strange since seungcheol loved to go outside to read or watch people. what had changed since you left? you noticed a wheelchair and a pair of crutches.

“mom, i- why did you call, ___? i told you she was busy,” seungcheol asked weakly. before his mom could nag him, you decided that you could save this entire situation from becoming more awkward than it needed to be. “cheol, don’t you remember? i came back yesterday, but i knew you were going to be busy with work,” you forced a smile. you thought you were going to throw up his mother grinned and squeezed your hand. she made her way over to seungcheol’s closet and started rummaging through it looking for something.

you looked back at seungcheol and it looked like he might cry. his eyes yelled at you, what are you doing here?

if you were honest you weren’t sure.

you saw mrs. choi out while she continued to thank you profusely for looking about for seungcheol. “of course, no need to worry. seungcheol is safe with me,” you assured.

“what would i do without you, ___? i hope someday you can join the family officially. i mean you’ve been dating seungcheol for over two years now,” she grinned hugging you.

yeah, i did too, you thought.

she left and instructed you to just heat something up that she left in the fridge. you locked the door behind you and made your way into the kitchen. you pulled out a tray of noodles and plated them. she left you a few tips about seungcheol so you decided to look at it.

he has work off, so no need to worry about driving him to work. once he is better and the doctors clear his concussion can start working from home.

please make sure he is eating three meals a day. he’s been acting differently and hasn’t been eating as much.

for showers, there’s a cover for the cast because he can’t get it wet.  i set up a chair in his shower, so he should need minimal help in that area. maybe just changing.

pain medications are in the cabinet next to the fridge. dosage is two tablets every six hours. but, if he isn’t hurting that much give him one, or if he isn’t in any pain don’t worry about it. 

he has a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks to see how his leg is healing is progressing.

thank you so much <3 call me if you need anything

you frowned at the second one. not eating well? seungcheol always ate well. this seemed pretty manageable. you had already called your supervisor, who approved your request to work remotely. you did have to lie and say you were taking care of a family member, but otherwise, it was a mostly truthful story.

when you put the sheet down, the microwave had finished and you brought the plate into seungcheol’s room. he wasn’t looking in your direction, instead, he was looking out the window. “seungcheol, i brought you dinner. your mom made it,” you announced. no response. you huffed and looked around the room. you didn’t want to push him, but you needed him to eat. “i know you’re not sleeping. you’ll heal faster if you eat. your mom needs you to eat,” you continued. yet, to no avail, he still stared out the window, body closed off to you. you sighed, you wished it didn’t have to come to this. “seungcheol, i need you to eat. please, for me,” you pleaded. there was a slight shift, but still no response. “well, i’ll just leave it here, but eat it soon. it’ll get cold,” you sighed, placing the plate on the nightstand where he could reach it.

why did you sign up for this? it wasn’t like you owed him anything. why didn’t you just tell his mom you were broken up? so many questions were flooding your mind, so you almost missed his whispered question. “what, did you say? i’m sorry, i missed it,” you asked, turning around from the door.

“do you- do you have something to eat?” he asked, breath labored.

something in your heart stuttered.

you silently nodded.

“that’s good,” was all he said.

it was almost 9:00 pm. you had your plate of food, and you thought it would be best to run over to your apartment to pick up some clothes and belongings, especially since you were supposed to live here for a while. you would run in and check with seungcheol and let him know you were leaving and then you’d be back in thirty minutes.

you knocked on the door, but no response. you hoped that it wasn’t going to be like this for the rest of his recovery. “i’m coming in, seungcheol,” you called opening the door.

but when you entered you were met with an empty bed. your eyebrows furrowed. you noticed the empty plate of his dinner. then you noticed his wheelchair was gone, and the faint glow of light from under the bathroom door.

you didn’t hear the shower running, so maybe he was just using the bathroom. yet, something in your gut told you otherwise. you made your way over to the bathroom door and pressed your ear against it. you heard quiet sniffling.

oh.

“seungcheol? are you in there?” you asked. dumb question, but you didn’t know what else to lead with. no response. “seungcheol, are you okay?” obviously not. “seungcheol, if you don’t answer me, i’m coming in.”

“no, please. please don’t come in,” he responded finally. “i’m fine.”

“no you’re not. i can help, seungcheol. let me help. what’s going on?” you called. there was a hesitation before he spoke, “i- i don’t know how to do this.”

“what is this?” you asked again for clarification.

“cleaning. i don’t know to do it with this thing on my leg.” that made sense. you already knew he was going to need help with that. you just wished he would’ve come to you first. “can i come in?” you hoped he would say yes.

“no,” he said.

“why not?”

“i don’t want you to see me like this.”

“this isn’t the time to act modest. i’m here to help.” there was a deep sigh on the other side of the door. finally, you heard some shuffling and the door was open. you walked in and took in your surroundings. seungcheol was without a shirt and pants. he sat slumped in his wheelchair as he quickly tried to wipe his tears.  you saw some bruises that covered his abdomen. you also noticed how he looked skinnier. that must be why his mom wanted to make sure he was eating. the cover for his cast was sitting on the counter, so you grabbed it.

you knelt down next to him, he wasn’t looking at you. you looked into the shower and noticed the shower chair. “seungcheol, i’m gonna put a towel under you right now, so can you lift yourself up a little?” you said grabbing a towel to put onto the seat of the wheelchair. he did, and you tried your best to arrange it. “can you stand at all?” you asked. he huffed and pushed himself up, and used you as a brace. 

you guided him into his walk-in shower and helped him sit down. you paused and looked at him closely. he looked so tired, which was expected, but there was something else there. you just couldn’t put your finger on it. “i need you to take off your underwear, unless you want to shower in them,” you directed. he glared at you and mumbled something. “what was that?” you asked.

“i don’t-” he began.

“now is not the time to be modest,” you chided. 

“no! i don’t want you to see me like this! i don’t want you to see me all broken and bruised! it’s not right that my mother asked you to do this! just leave! i know you don’t want to be here, so just go. it’s already humiliating enough,” he heaved. you felt your jaw tighten and your fingers clawed at your sides. you didn’t want to respond to that, at least not at that moment. “take off your underwear, seungcheol,” you ordered, crossing your arms. he finally looked at you in your eyes, and he pushed his underwear off. you had to help him get it over his cast, but otherwise, it was seamless. next, you grabbed the cast cover which was essentially a glorified plastic bag, and slid it over his bandaged leg. 

seungcheol’s eyes were downcast again, and he refused to acknowledge you. his shower head was detachable and handheld, so you took it down and placed it closer to him. he still wasn’t looking at you. although you really needed to get some stuff from your apartment, you could stay. when you started rolling up your sleeves on your work blouse and slipping out of your house slippers, seungcheol stared at you incredulously. you stepped into the shower and turned on the water. you made sure the head was facing the ground as you waited for it to warm up. “what are you doing?” he asked. he almost sounded angry, but that could be addressed later. you snatched the washcloth that was hanging on a hook inside the shower and found his shampoo and conditioner. he leaned over and grabbed your wrist, it wasn’t harsh or forceful, just him. “what are you doing?” he repeated.

“taking care of you,” you said shortly. “now close your eyes. tell me if it’s too hot.” he released your wrist and there was that look again. you had to figure out what that was about. you raised the shower head and soaked his hair, and promptly began to lather his shampoo into his hair. he seemed to relax at that. you ran your hands through his hair like you used to. he liked it when you tugged at his strands. it brought him a comfort he couldn’t describe. yet, his hair was shorter now, not the longer strands that you were used to. you wondered what made him cut it, but you knew now wasn’t the time to ask about it. 

the rest of the shower went without any hitch. your hands running over the broad expanse of his back. something about that moment was so domestic, intimate, yet you knew you couldn’t have it the way you wanted it. the way you wanted him. so, you pushed it down, just like the way you did when you noticed him distancing himself from you and drowning himself in his work. 

you helped him get into some clean clothes and bed after he brushed his teeth and dried his body. after you brought him his pain medication with a glass of water to stick next to his bed, you were about to go out and run to your apartment. he saw you rustling around in your bag that you left in his room. “what are you doing?” he asked.

“looking for my keys,” you replied.

“why?”

“so i can go home and grab some things. i’ll be working from home, i mean, i’ll be working here while i help you.” god, why did you call his apartment home? it hadn’t been your home for so long. “i’ll be back soon. i’ll be quiet when i come back so just sleep.”

“no, don’t go.”

“pardon?”

“don’t go.” he stared at you like a petulant child. was this a symptom of a concussion? “seungcheol, i have to go get some of my things. i don’t really want to sleep in my work clothes,” you tried to reason with the pouting man. 

“you left some of your clothes. t-shirts and stuff. sweatpants. just wear that. it’s too late for you to leave now. it wouldn’t be safe,” he shrugged but winced. that was the bruised lung. you didn’t know you left your things over, if you did you would’ve made one more trip to pick them up. 

but…

seungcheol didn’t throw out the clothes you left behind. was he stashing them in case he had another girl come over that needed to borrow clothes? was he saving them for a special time to burn them? why did he keep your clothes? 

no matter, it was no use arguing with seungcheol, and you were tired. you hadn’t even had time to process the fact he had been in an accident, to begin with. “where?” you asked turning back around.

“in my closet, where your clothes usually are.” he looked at you like it was obvious. why would it be obvious? you wanted to scream. a normal person after a breakup usually burns the things their ex left behind, or they maybe just throw them out on the street. they don’t keep it in the same place in the closet. you breathed deeply to calm your mind. now was not the time to address the elephant in the room. “i’ll be getting a shower then,” you said, eyeing him suspiciously. he just nodded and turned to face the window. 

the shower was uneventful other than the thousands of thoughts flowing through your mind. you hoped that they would leave you and flow down the drain. when you finally got out of the shower, you realized you would have to walk through seungcheol’s bedroom to get to the couch. hopefully, he was knocked out. you slid on the clothes that you had left there. it was an old sweatshirt and pajama bottoms, but it would get the job done for the night. the smelled like they were cleaned with his detergent, and you weren’t sure if you loved it or if you wanted it off of your body forever. you tried the best you could to open the door as quietly as possible, and it seemed to work. you were basically out the door without seungcheol waking up or noticing you. that is until he did. “where are you going?” he asked. you hung your head, your hand leaving the doorknob. “to the couch,” you replied.

“why?”

now, there was something seriously wrong with him. you glanced around the room, searching for an answer. “because i’m going to sleep on the couch,” you scrutinized him a bit further. he stared at you with the same confusion. he seemingly picked up on the mutual tension and confusion in the air, “i’ll sleep on the couch, you sleep here,” he clarified. you choked on air. he must have more than a concussion, he had amnesia of some sort because you don’t just let your ex sleep in your bed, especially after you had been in a serious accident. 

you had to snap yourself out of the trance you were in before seungcheol could even attempt to get out of bed, which he was already in the process of trying. rushing over to him and pushing him back under the covers was more of a feat than you thought it was going to be. he seemed adamant about having you stay in his bed while he went to the couch. you were getting deja vu or something to the fights leading up to the end of your relationship. 

“no, i’ll take the couch,” he had insisted.

“no, this is your home and your bed. i’ll just stay on the couch since you don’t want me to go to my apartment,” you had refused. “talk in the morning?”

“yeah sure.”

“no, you’re the guest here, i’ll take the couch,” he shrugged, once again trying to push himself up. you placed a hand on his shoulder. “seungcheol, i wasn’t the one in a car accident,” you reasoned. “you won’t be comfortable on the couch.”

“just- just let me do something for you,” he muttered under his breath. you don’t think you were supposed to hear it, but you did. 

“the best thing you can do for me is to sleep in your own bed and heal.” his gaze lifted and looked at yours. he looked utterly exhausted, and to be honest, you probably looked the same. he inhaled deeply and sat back against his headrest in concession. you smiled at him and before you could stop yourself, you ran your hand through his hair which he happily accepted. “good night, seungcheol,” you said.

“good night,” he replied sounding more at ease. in another lifetime, there would be more to this than a simple good night, but in this lifetime it was different. so much different than you ever hoped for.

“i love you, cheol.”

“i love you too, ___.”

the crick in your back was going to be the death of you, but oh well, you already called into work and took the next week off before you started working remotely. minjeong was surprised that you even agreed to this in the first place. “___, he was an asshole to you,” she pointed out over the phone. you were currently lugging your stuff down the hall to seungcheol’s apartment, phone dangerously stuck between your shoulder and cheek. “he wasn’t an asshole,” you argued. for some reason, the need to defend seungcheol still ran through your veins. 

“he was, ___. he was,” minjeong sighed. you knew that she was right, but you needed to believe that the breakup was caused all just a big misunderstanding and move on. “i’ve got to go, minnie,” you sighed reaching seungcheol’s doorway.

“___, don’t- ugh, don’t do anything you’ll regret. he didn’t treat you right. he wasn’t toxic, but he was definitely neglectful to you,” she groaned.

“it’s not like i’m going to crawl back to him. i’m just helping him.”

“but why should you?”

seungcheol had some bad habits, and it didn’t always end up well for you.  

“cheol, what are you-” you were promptly cut off when seungcheol pressed his lips against yours with an energy that felt unfamiliar. it was just the average evening, so you didn’t understand why he was kissing you like that. not that he had to have a reason to kiss you, it’s just that it hadn’t happened in so long. you had been with him long enough to know how passionate he was about, well, everything. but, this felt different. not saying it was bad. you craved him being this close for weeks, and he was finally in your grasp.  his hands were planted firmly on your waist and he moved you to where he pleased. “come on, baby, just let me feel you,” he smiled against your lips. 

call you touch-starved (which you were), but you couldn’t help melting into him. this was the most attention you had felt from him in so long. “cheol, please,” you gasped as his lips traveled down your neck. he pulled you infinitely closer and you let him. yet, something was nagging at you. your stomach began to drop as his hands began to slide under your shirt. sinking suspicions started to bubble up through your heart. “cheol, kiss me,” you begged, not wanting your thoughts to be true. he hummed and obliged. he pressed his lips against yours in this new fervor. the heat between you was becoming unbearable as your suspicion was correct. 

beer.

the faint taste of it lingered on his tongue, and it made you want to throw up. for the first time in who knows how long, he touches you like he’s never done before but only because he’s intoxicated. great. you pushed him away. “did you drive home by yourself?” you asked gazing into his tired eyes. 

“no, i had joshua drop me off,” he murmured, hands still not leaving your skin, but that’s all you wanted him to do. just get off of me, is what you wanted to yell. how dare you come here drunk and treat me better than you ever have sober for the past months, is what you wanted to scream. “i think it’s time for you to go to bed, cheol,” you opted for instead. he shook his head still grasping at you. “don’t touch me anymore, seungcheol,” you hissed, swatting his hand away and pulling him to his bathroom.

she didn’t sound angry, just exasperated. she had a point. there was no reason why you should offer your help to him. seungcheol never made time for you when you were together, why were you making time for him yet again? it was major deja vu. “look, he wasn’t nice to me, yes. i hated him for a long time, maybe i still do. but, his mom called me, so i feel like i’m doing it for her. not for him,” you attempted to justify. minjeong scoffed. it was a deserved scoff, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. minjeong was there when things ended with seungcheol, so she would know the entire situation from the most unbiased, well sort of unbiased, outside position. she was your friend, and it was only natural for her to want to protect you. you couldn’t fault her for that. “i just want what’s best for you, and i’m not convinced helping him through recovery is the best plan,” she sighed.

“i know. you know he hurt me, i won’t let it happen again. i have no intention of getting back with him. you’re right. he was an asshole. i’ve got to go. talk later?” you asked carefully reaching for the spare set of keys his mom gave you.

“let me kick his ass if he hurts you again.”

“i will.”

“talk later! i’m going to miss you at work. love you!”

“love you too.”

after you successfully hung up without dropping your bags, phone, or keys, you opened the door to the kitchen light on. that’s weird. you were pretty sure you left it off when you went to get your stuff. you kicked off your shoes and made your way into to kitchen, your luggage bag dragging behind you. 

you were greeted by seungcheol attempting to push himself up from his wheelchair to wash some fruit in the sink. “seungcheol! what are you doing?” you rushed to his side. he glanced over his shoulder at you. he sort of gave you some dumb look like he didn’t know what was wrong. “you shouldn’t be pushing yourself like this,” you chided. “i can wash these. you need to go back to bed. you should rest.”

“i think i can handle washing some fruit,” he scoffed slumping down in a chair. you rolled your eyes. “it’s not about washing fruit, i know you’re perfectly capable of washing fruit. you were in a car accident a few days ago. you shouldn’t be pushing yourself to get up,” you explained. he just mumbled something under his breath and tried to maneuver his way out of the kitchen. you watched him carefully as he made his way back into his room, and you heard him sigh when he shut the door behind him. 

you had a sinking feeling that this was going to be a long recovery process, for the both of you.

it once again time for seungcheol to go to the doctor. the past few weeks had been back and forth to doctor’s appointments. his concussion was going down. to say things were going well would be a stretch. seungcheol barely spoke to you. you didn’t necessarily expect him to be buddy-buddy with you, but it was strange. he always tried to avoid looking at you. you weren’t sure what you did to deserve this treatment, after all, he was the one who broke up with you.

sleeping on the couch for the past weeks was not ideal. working from seungcheol’s home office was not ideal either. it was weird getting on video calls when you were so used to walking to meetings with minjeong. seungcheol tried his best to not disturb you, but sometimes he would knock on the door and sheepishly ask you for help with something.

the drive to the doctor’s and the check-up itself were uneventful. his leg was healing nicely, and they even decided it was time for a boot, which was great because you could tell he was getting sick of sitting down all the time. “well, mr. choi, it looks like your lung is looking a lot better based off of the scans, and according to your…” dr. hwang paused looking in your direction. seungcheol looked at you briefly like was afraid of what you were going to say. 

you weren’t necessarily worried about getting kicked out because you weren’t immediate family, but for some reason, you chose against saying you were his friend. “i’m his girlfriend,” you bit the bullet. you hoped it didn’t seem too unnatural when you said it. you saw seungcheol’s ears perk up, but he still didn’t address you. 

dr. hwang looked between the two of you seemingly wanting to say something but didn’t. “ah, i see. well you’ve been taking amazing care of mr. choi. according to your girlfriend, you seem to have an easier time breathing. she also said you’re reporting less pain in your head. this is good, since we usually expect swelling and inflammation from a concussion goes down pretty quickly. your concussion should be largely gone by next week, but i would advise against going back to work for some time. you can start walking on this as soon as you feel comfortable, until then use crutches. but, don’t drive until i give you the okay,” dr. hwang rambled, turning back to his computer. 

you could tell seungcheol was excited, maybe he was excited that you would be leaving soon. your stomach sank at the thought, but you didn’t know why. seungcheol barely spoke to you, he couldn’t even look you in the eye most of the time. so, why did you feel bad about the thought of leaving him? you were snapped out of your thoughts when you realized dr. hwang had asked you a question. “um, if you could give me a moment alone with mr. choi, that would be great. i can take him out front once we’re done,” dr. hwang fiddled with his pen as he addressed you. 

“yeah, of course. i’ll uh, i’ll just be in the waiting room. 

after what seemed like an eternity, the two of them came out. dr. hwang smiled at you, and seungcheol looked nervous, finally putting a little weight on his foot with the help of some crutches. “thank you so much, dr. hwang. you’ve been so helpful,” you smiled at him. dr. hwang reciprocated it and patted seungcheol on the back. “mr. choi, look out for yourself. i’ll see you in a few weeks,” he said. seungcheol nodded. 

the ride home was quiet, as always. by now you had grown used to it. when you arrived at seungcheol’s apartment and parked the car, he grabbed your hand before you could leave. “do you want to watch a movie tonight?” he asked. hold on, what? “we can order some take out or something.” maybe dr. hwang was wrong. maybe the swelling in his brain was actually worse. 

your lack of response must’ve freaked seungcheol out. “we don’t have to! i was just thinking it could be a celebratory thing,” he tried to backtrack. 

“no! i’d love- no, i mean, i’d like to watch a movie tonight. that would be nice,” you rushed to cut him off. your heart fluttered at the notion of watching a movie with seungcheol. maybe you could pretend just a little longer…

“what?” minjeong exclaimed. she was not happy with the current situation. 

“minnie, when he asked me if i wanted to watch a movie with him my heart fluttered. what’s wrong with me?” you cried, flopping against the couch, turning down the volume on speaker phone. seungcheol had left to get showered and changed. luckily, you didn’t have to help him much with that anymore. “you’re still in love with him, ___,” minjeong sighed. “i feared this would happen. you cannot let him get in your head! remember how he treated you before! just yesterday he wasn’t even speaking with you, he’s probably just manipulating you or something.” 

you couldn’t fathom him doing that. sure, he neglected you in your relationship, but he was never manipulative. “i don’t-” you began, but you were promptly cut off.

“you don’t get it, ___! you’re in a vulnerable state because you still love him and you’ve been waiting hand and foot to him, so he sees this as an opportunity to make something out of nothing.”

“if i love him, how is it nothing?”

“because you’re going to make it nothing. you can’t just let yourself fall back into his lap because he decided he wanted a movie night!”

“i don’t think it’s that easy.”

“you’re right, it’s not. that’s why you need to wrap up business there and get back to your life. your life where you can be free and meet whoever you want. where you don’t have to worry about the asshole who treated you like shit.”

“he didn’t treat me like shit.”

“he treated you like you barely even existed.”

you knew she wasn’t trying to be mean, but it did feel like she was opening an old wound. 

so much for that dinner you made. the time you wasted was eating at you as you picked through the remnants of your food. it was your first day off in a while and you hoped to spend some of it with your boyfriend before having to go back to work the next day.

 it was your bad to even think seungcheol would be home at the time he had said. you stared at seungcheol’s now cold meal. for the fifth time, you flipped your phone over to see what time it was. 11:47 pm and no word from him. you sighed and went to clear your plate. you wrapped up seungcheol’s meal and put it in the fridge. after all, he would be hungry when he got home. 

“hello? ___, are you still with me?” minjeong snapped you out of your thoughts.

“yeah, sorry,” you rushed out. “look, i think seungcheol is almost out of the shower. i’ve got to go. i’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“i’m sorry if i come off too cold.” she sounded like she was regretting what she said earlier. she knew how to read you like a book even if it was just over a phone call. “it’s alright. you’re my best friend, i know you wouldn’t do anything to intentionally hurt me. now, i have to go now, for real this time,” you chuckled and hung up after you said goodbye to her. 

you jumped a mile when you heard a clanking noise behind you. when you whipped around you saw seungcheol standing there, eyes wide, you felt something stir in your chest. he was leaning on a crutch with his leg wrapped in the bandages. he told dr. hwang that he wouldn’t wear the boot to bed. dr. hwang was reluctant but relented since the break was healing nicely and the boot wasn’t needed at night. his hair was damp, a plain white t-shirt clung to his body, and pajama pants hung loosely off his hips. something about this image looked so familiar, yet so distant.“sorry,” he mumbled leaning over to pick up the bowl he dropped, surprisingly it didn’t shatter on the hardwood floor. “no, wait, i’ll get it,” you said, pushing forward, frowning at the precarious nature of his stance. he straightened up and watched you pick up the bowl. “how long were you standing there? i could’ve helped,” you asked turning to go place the bowl in the sink.

“not long,” he rubbed the back of his neck, averting his eyes. “do you still want to watch a movie with me?” you nodded quietly and made your way to the couch. he followed behind and landed on the couch with a thud. “what do you want to watch?” you asked flipping the tv on.

“um, i’m not sure. i haven’t watched a lot of movies lately.” he shrugged. this was going to be harder than expected. instead of attempting to engage in this painful discussion, you opted to start scrolling through one of seungcheol’s million streaming apps. 

you scrolled through movie after movie with varying enthusiasm levels from seungcheol. “stop, let’s just watch this one,” he suddenly said. if you were being honest, you stopped paying attention to the movie titles a long time ago. so when you saw “the notebook” as the selected movie, your jaw slackened. “you want to watch this?” you asked, making sure he meant that. 

“i mean, i remembered when you showed me it, and i rewatched it recently. i really like it nowadays,” he said nonchalantly. you had shown him “the notebook” a long time ago. you had to beg him to watch it, and you remembered how he ended up crying by the conclusion. but now, it was strange to hear that he enjoyed the movie. not only that, but he remembered that you showed him the film. it was years ago, and he remembered. “okay, yeah, let’s watch it,” you said pressing play. 

you were getting major deja vu while you watched it. seungcheol was curled up next to you, and somehow you found yourself curled up next to him. this hardly happened when you were together, and it made your heart hurt that it was happening after you had broken up. was a car accident what you needed to be close to him? you didn’t need to think about it now, not when you could smell his shampoo and fabric softener. it was so familiar, but you knew you couldn’t get too comfortable. after all, you weren’t his anymore, and he wasn’t interested. yet, something was scratching at the back of your throat. an urge. a desire. a feeling you thought was better to push down.

 the movie was long over, but seungcheol had drifted off to sleep about twenty minutes before the movie ended. you didn’t have the heart to wake him, so you let him rest for a while before you lightly shook him awake. his eyes fluttered open and held your gaze with an expression you couldn’t pinpoint. “alright, sleeping beauty, time to get you into bed,” you smiled softly involuntarily running a hand through his hair. he seemingly leaned into your touch while looking around. “is the movie over? why didn’t you wake me?” he asked. you just shushed him quietly and helped him up. he held onto your shoulders and let you guide him to his bed. after a bit of work, you got him under the covers and on his pillow. when you moved to get up, his hand shot out and grasped your wrist. your neck whipped back at him. “what’s wrong?” you quizzed. 

“stay,” is all he said, eyes closing. 

you sighed. you couldn’t give in to him. you had set your boundaries, you were here to help that’s all. but, the longer you were with him, you realized the reasons why you hated him melted away within hours of being around him more. minjeong needed to be here to snap you out of it. “of course, he’s being nice to you now. don’t forget why you broke up in the first place,” she would’ve said. yet, she wasn’t here, and you were weak for him. as much as you would like to deny it, you knew you’d always crawl back to him. in this life and the next. 

there couldn’t be any harm in staying with him, right? it was just one night. he wouldn’t try anything. he wasn’t like that. he didn’t even feel that way for you anymore. he definitely didn’t seem too bothered when you gave in and slid under the covers with him. to your surprise when you started to situate yourself, you felt his arms wrap under your body and pull you to the opposite side of the bed. just like old times. he always insisted to sleep closest to the door. he had told you it was a win-win for the both of you. he could have the comfort of feeling like he was protecting you, and you got the nice view out of his window on the opposite side of the room. you assured him back then that you didn’t need protection, but you never fought with him to switch positions. 

you had grown used to his arm around your waist each night, and after you broke up you longed for his presence. you had cuddled your pillows and called minjeong. everything and anything to keep your mind off the empty space in your bed. so, now when you felt his arm wrap around you and his body pressed against yours, you froze. why did the thing you wanted for the past seven months cause you so much discomfort? being this close to him was like stepping into the salty waves at the beach with a cut you thought healed. your eyes began to sting, and you pleaded with your heart to not start shaking your body. you naturally moved closer to him when his grip became tighter around your waist, but your heart cried for the rest of the night.

when you woke up, you surprised yourself realizing you had a dreamless night. your chest hurt, but your eyes were dry. you turned over and noticed seungcheol’s side of the bed was empty. his boot was gone, so he must’ve put it on. you didn’t hear anything coming from the kitchen right outside the room, albeit his apartment was quite small and his living room was right there too. you slid on a hoodie and made your way out of his room to find where he went. maybe he was just as freaked out as you were, so maybe he just left to get some air. if you were him, you probably would’ve done to same. you wanted to kick yourself for falling into his lap again. maybe he regretted inviting you to stay, and now he was disgusted with himself for letting his ex sleep in the same bed as him again. your rational mind told you that wasn’t true. he wasn’t like that. yet, that’s what you told yourself when he show up late to numerous dates or just forget to message you. 

you heard quiet arguing as soon as you stepped out of his room. you looked down to the front door and saw seungcheol leaning against the doorframe. his body wedged between the door and doorframe, effectively blocking your view of who was there. you quietly shuffled forward, trying not to startle him. “i just don’t understand why you’re here?” seungcheol asked, almost sounding stern.

“i’m just dropping off some paperwork,” the person on the other side of the door said. the voice sounded familiar, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. “how’d you know where she was?” seungcheol grilled, sounding more frustrated with every passing second. 

“look, dude, i’m just here to drop off some stuff from work. minjeong told me,” the guy tried again to reason with seungcheol. you recognized seungcheol’s tone, he got like that whenever he was jealous, but you couldn’t fathom why he would be jealous. you looked past seungcheol and saw changkyun standing there with a case file in hand. “oh my god, seungcheol, stop it. this is changkyun from work,” you nudged seungcheol to the side trying not to surprise him, but you were still upset he was berating your work friend. 

“oh, hey, ___. minjeong sent me with these files. let me or minjeong know if you need anything else,” changkyun smiled at you. “i’ll let you go, you seem- um- preoccupied. but, we miss you at the office,” he glanced at seungcheol who was scowling at the ground. 

“yeah, sorry about that. thank you for bringing this around. this is super helpful. i was getting tired of reading pdfs,” you laughed. “i’ll see you later.” changkyun nodded and left without another word. you shut the door and brushed past seungcheol. you heard an audible huff behind you but ignored it. after you dropped off the case of files in the office, breakfast was seemingly the best option for you. 

seungcheol was already in the kitchen leaning against the fridge. it was highly inconvenient given you needed to get in there for some fruit. however, he wasn’t moving. “what are you doing?” you asked crossing your arms. he didn’t respond, just looking anywhere but at you. “what’s going on with you? what was with that attitude with changkyun?” you grilled, but you were only met with a scoff. now, that was weird. he sounded jealous, but there was nothing to be jealous of. “what’s wrong with you?” you frowned. 

“why does it matter?” he mocked. you squinted your eyes at him. compared to last night’s situation, this was an entirely different person. “why does it matter? it’s just weird that he’d show up here unannounced,” seungcheol shrugged. 

“he was here because minjeong sent him,” you stared him down.

“why couldn’t she come then? just seems like it’s a cover for him to see you. you didn’t tell me you were talking with someone else.”

“because i’m not talking to changkyun. i’m not talking to anyone. but, why does this matter so much to you? it’s not like he came in the house and started wrecking anything. he just dropped some stuff off.”

“we miss you at the office.”

“what?”

“that’s what he said.”

“i’m not following.” 

seungcheol sighed and pushed himself off the fridge and over to his chair, groaning and stretching his leg once he was sitting. “god, ___, don’t be blind. he’s obviously into you,” he laughed humorlessly. now you were even more confused. “so what if he is? i’m not,” you shrugged, opening the fridge to get your fruit and yogurt. 

“yeah, sure. whatever, that’s not the point,” seungcheol huffed again.

“then what is the point?” 

“that he tried to come here and flirt with you when i’m right here!” he finally snapped. “it’s embarrassing! he looked at me with all this pity when i opened the door. i don’t want his pity. then you come around the corner, and he’s smiling ear to ear.” seungcheol looked like he was about to cry. you wanted to say something, but all you could was look at him, confused. “you pity me too. everyone does!” he rambled. “it’s so humiliating. and, and, i’m sure that you’d be happier at the office where he is. he’s more handsome than i am, and i’m sure he’s smarter and kinder than me. you deserve to go out and just leave me here. you don’t even want to be here. i see the way you look at me. it’s not the same way i look at you, so i couldn’t possibly as you to stay. why don’t you just go date a guy like that? i’m sure he can treat you better than- than me.”

you stood there dumbfounded. your heart ached for seungcheol, but you couldn’t stop the boiling anger in your stomach. how could he possibly think so lowly of himself? did he not see how you were still so infatuated with him? did he not realize the reason why you hadn’t talked to anyone new was because of him? and for him to accuse you of pitying him, after all the care you put into helping him get better. to accuse you of not wanting to be there, with him. you wouldn’t haven’t been here if you didn’t care. you knew you cared too much for seungcheol, for someone who you knew didn’t even care about you. what made him any different from back when you were dating? 

“you’re so cruel,” you whispered, grabbing your food and heading to the office. 

there was radio silence for the next few hours. you would occasionally hear something, but seungcheol never knocked or tried to come in. the tip-toeing around each other was killing you. it felt awfully familiar to when seungcheol became distant from you before the two of you broke up. work was monotonous and nothing was holding your attention. all you could think about was what seungcheol said. you didn’t realize he felt that way about himself, or you for that matter. it hurt, and it hurt even more to wallow in it when he was right on the other side of the door. 

you couldn’t be the same person you were seven months ago. pushing down your concerns, hoping they would pass. they wouldn’t, you knew that, unless you talked to him. he would be getting better soon, and you could put this in the past. you could leave again once this was all over, never to look back. you couldn’t take another heartbreak because of him again. 

so your resolve broke and you pushed yourself out of the office chair and went to find seungcheol. 

he remembered the day you left like it was yesterday. he heard you gather some things from your room and left without another word. “yeah, i guess so,” he muttered to himself angrily. “you’re such an idiot,” he continued. he didn’t even understand why he said that to you. it was uncalled for, especially given you wanted to talk about your strained relationship. he knew he was distant, but he didn’t know what else to do. so, he pushed it down until he couldn’t take it anymore, well, until you couldn’t take it anymore. 

not having you around the apartment for the first few weeks felt like torture. he had drafted and re-written several messages to you and even considered calling, but he never pulled through with any of it. his mind was constantly unfocused on his work. the work he sacrificed everything for. the work he tried so hard to keep up to help you, help the both of you. he couldn’t bring himself to eat as much as he usually did, when the pit of his stomach was killing him from the inside out.

now that you were gone he constantly tried to take his mind off of you. he couldn’t let a breakup disorient him like this. he had broken up with other people before, but never like this. he couldn’t stop replaying everything that went wrong in his mind, everything he could’ve done to stop it. maybe if he put up a fight you would’ve stayed. but, he didn’t fight at all. he cowered at the suggestion of breaking up, and instead of facing it, he fled and accepted fate. waves of uncertainty lapped at his feet and eventually, the waters rose until it was unbearable. if you wanted to break up with him then that’s what would happen, no matter what ran through his mind and heart. 

no matter the fact he had a little velvet box in the bottom of his sock drawer. 

he was going to a party. he said he would buy alcohol, so he did. while he was driving he felt something shift within him. he thought about all the parties he had taken you to, and how all parties with you there were so much more bearable. all he could think about was how bored he would be. he loved his friends, but something was missing if you weren’t also there sharing a drink or discussion with him. yet, he let joshua convince him to come out. joshua had told him not to drown in any more work. joshua saw how the work was wearing down his friend, and he couldn’t take it anymore. so, seungcheol was going to a party he didn’t particularly want to attend, but he was getting there, even if he felt himself push the accelerator down more than he should.

but something stopped him from going to the party, and now he felt like he was floating above his body. he felt waves wash over him, and when they retreated he felt cold and vulnerable. he felt dazed and had a throbbing pain in his head, leg, and heart. he remembered the beating rain against his windshield and feeling the tires give out on him. he remembered your smile and your fingers running through his then-long hair. you told him everything was going to be alright, and he believed you. then, there was a rhythmic beeping next to him, some rustling by him, and your voice was gone. his head hurt too much, but he forced his eyes open.

in some sort of last-ditch effort of hope, he thought it could be you. you could be there fixing some magazines in the room or adjusting the blinds. yet, he opened his eyes and he didn’t see you there, just a nurse organizing some of the tubes next to him. seungcheol tried turning his head around, groaning. the nurse noticed and left to go get someone. maybe it could be you. no, that wouldn’t make sense. it couldn’t be you, and it wasn’t. it was his mother. she cried and asked him if he was alright. she asked where you were and what he was doing, but he didn’t have a good response to any of her questions. when she started to pry about you, he realized he had forgotten to mention the fact you were broken up. she had called soon after it ended because it was time for her to call her son, but he went into auto-pilot and told her you were fine, and he just never got around to telling her the truth. she loved you, and he knew that.

he definitely couldn’t do it then. it would break her, just like it broke him.

when he saw you standing at the door behind his mother, he wanted to burst into tears, but it would probably hurt his lung. besides, he didn’t need you to see how broken up about it he was. everything hurt, but it only hurt more when he saw you. you looked gorgeous, and your voice was like music to his ears. what if you had a boyfriend? the thought flashed through his mind. any person would be lucky to date you, but the idea caused his stomach to roll. 

your hair looked so pretty too, but your clothes looked like a mess. he hoped he didn’t cause you too much worry.  yet, he was worried now. his lie was going to be exposed. he saw the way you looked at him, helpless and injured. you wouldn’t spare him, not after what he did. his mom was talking to you just like everything was normal, but he saw the look on your face. you were confused and probably angry. he knew you, and he knew you would correct his mom as soon as you could. so when she backed away and went to get something from the closet, he couldn’t tell what you were thinking, and that scared him. 

the last thing he expected was for you to agree and help. he also expected you to correct his mother when she went on and on about how you were his girlfriend and how she knew how much you loved each other. he could sense your discomfort anytime he was around, so he made himself scarce and tried not to be a bother. what you were doing was already such a help to him, and he had no idea how he was ever going to repay you. 

he recalled when you pushed him around in his wheelchair at the supermarket, and all he wanted to do was disappear. it was his first visit to the store for a while, and there was something especially embarrassing about having your ex push you around the market, even if they didn’t know he had broken your heart. he didn’t know why he agreed to come. he would feel your hands brush past his shoulders as you would reach to grab something before dropping it in the shopping basket sitting in his lap. the tiny bit of contact from you had him going insane. he wanted to apologize for having you here, for his mom calling, for lying, for breaking your heart. he was scared, that if he opened his mouth, his heart would betray him and he’d say something that would make you run away again. but, he knew it wasn’t the time for that, so whenever your fingers graze his shoulder he swallowed whatever apology or confession (whichever came out first) down until it reached the bottom of his heart. 

you were wheeling him past the bakery and he saw the sweet milk bread he would always get as a treat on weekends. maybe you could share it again like you used to, but he doubted it. though, before he could process it, he was clearing his throat. you paused and he sensed you looking at him. “uh-,” he paused, coughing. “can, can we get the milk bread over there?” he asked. you looked around to where he was motioning. you saw it. he felt you pause. maybe he shouldn’t have asked. “it’s no big deal, actually. it was a dumb request. never-” he rambled but all of a sudden your hands brushed over his shoulders and you walked over to the table where the freshly baked bread was packaged. you inspected one and brought it back, placing it gently on the top of seungcheol’s basket. “do you need anything else?” you asked, quietly standing behind him again. he shook his head. 

for the first few weeks, it was awkward and humiliating. he couldn’t bear you at his beck and call. he could barely even talk to you, too embarrassed. he needed to get out of the wheelchair as soon as possible. he willed his body to heal faster, so then maybe the pain that festered in his chest would go away. one night, he woke up and he was parched. he had run out of water, he must’ve forgotten to get more before he went to bed. he also noticed his stomach was growling. he had refused to eat anything for dinner. once again, his bad. it reminded him of the time when he would come home late to a dark home. he was starving, but he knew you had eaten. you had long gone to bed, but he smelled the food you cooked. he looked in the fridge and saw his helping there. he sighed. he knew it was your day off that day, but he couldn’t seem to draw himself away from his work. got too distracted.

so, he needed water and food, but to get there he would have to get out of his room and into the kitchen. specifically, he needed to get past you on the couch without waking you. pushing himself out of bed, he reached for his crutches. he got them secured under his arms and made his way out of his open door. you had insisted on keeping it open, so you could hear him if he needed anything. but, he saw the way you walked into his room deflated, leaving his dinner on his bedside table, cleaning the barely touched food an hour later, and retreating to the couch to sleep after a presumably hard day at work. he wouldn’t be able to bear it if he woke you up now. 

he stepped as lightly as he could given his situation, but you were out like a light. he contained a chuckle seeing you all curled up on his couch. though, he did feel bad. the couch was no place to sleep for a long time. if only he could share his bed with you and not make it weird… he quietly ate a protein bar and got a glass of milk. he watched from the kitchen how smooth your breathing was. he frowned when you began to toss and turn. he wiped his mouth and moved over to you. after resting his crutches on the floor, he sat on the ottoman in from of the couch, closest to your head. he leaned forward and watched your troubled expression. sometimes he would press a kiss on your forehead, but that would be entirely inappropriate. yet, he couldn’t do anything while he watched this perfect person in front of him suffer.

so, his hand was reaching forward and caressing your cheek before he knew it. your skin felt amazing under his fingertips. he missed holding your hand, hugging you from behind, and kissing your lips. he wondered how he could’ve messed up this horribly. he felt your breath even out, and he noticed how your brow un-furrowed. gently pulling back his hand, he smiled and made his way back to his room. it was only then after he crossed the doorway, he realized what he had done. the clear boundary he had tried to maintain melted within those twenty minutes of him getting a midnight snack. he didn’t deserve the treatment he was getting from you. he wished you would yell and scream at him for what he did. resentment. he yearned for you to resent him, but no, you had to come and be the amazing person you were. he couldn’t let himself feel this close to you again.

but, he broke his promise. just like he always did. he invited you to sleep in his bed after a movie night he suggested. after offering, he realized he probably shouldn’t have offered the movie in the first place, but hindsight is 20-20. it felt too inappropriate, unspeakable even. especially, after he caught what minjeong was saying to you before you turned on the movie. he shouldn’t have eavesdropped, but minjeong was yelling on the other side of the phone and no matter how much you could turned down the volume, he still would’ve heard it. 

“he treated you like you barely even existed,” minjeong had said.

now, he didn’t want to believe that, but he knew it was true. working longer hours, barely seeing you, and coming home at odd hours of the night were all factors which were purely his fault. he could’ve requested time off, but he didn’t. it was his ambition that blinded him. the thought that if he worked hard enough now, he could be with you more later. but, he had forgotten he wasn’t the only person in the equation, and you only had so much patience. the patience he had wrongfully wasted. 

your back was turned to him. he didn’t know why it hurt so much given the situation. being face-to-face in bed would be too intimate. too dangerous. yet, that’s all he wanted. he longed to feel your body next to his, to know that what was once shared between you was still there. so, he took a risk. he reached forward and pressed his chest against your back, his arm wrapped securely around your waist. 

he waited and waited for you to pull away, and much to his surprise, you never did. you stayed in his arms like old times, but he knew it couldn’t be like that. he didn’t know if he could ever have you like this again. the recovery period of you taking care of him was painful on a multitude of levels. he was giving you space since he already felt like a burden, and it appeared to him like he was the plague. it was for the best, but he still wanted to hold you and kiss you to show his thanks. all he could do was say thank you and quietly retreat back into his mind. so, he held you like it was the last time, which it likely was, and he fell into a deeper, quieter sleep for the first time in weeks. the waves retreated and did not come back for the rest of the night. 

who was this guy standing at his door? why were you smiling so widely at this guy? why was this guy smiling so widely back at you? did he just sleep in the same bed with you when you had a boyfriend? so many questions, and so little patience left on his end. this guy was so handsome, with a sharp nose and intense eyes. he could see how you could go to someone like that, someone completely opposite of him. any hope of last night not being a one-off thing leaving his mind. the guy glanced over at him and gave him a look he was all too familiar with. the old ladies at the supermarket gave him this look. his mother gave him this look. even you sometimes. he was broken and mangled and people loved to look. so, to hide their nosiness, they concealed it with concern and pity. he hated that. sometimes you would do it, and he wanted to rip his hair out. he hated it when you would generate idle conversation or say his name like some sort of swear word. what ever happened to being your cheol? 

the doubt came flooding back into his mind, and he was lost in the sea of his own thoughts again. the waves were back, and he didn’t know how to keep them at bay. the tide was coming in stronger, and he could feel every brick he had built crumble under the pressure. when could this conversation be over?

he didn’t mean to lash out at you and your work friend. it was the waves. the waves that splashed into his face. the water that fell into his throat and choked him. he had to spit it out or it was going to drown him. every little thing he had hidden away came out. the confessions, insecurities, and everything else that held him back now and back then. he just needed to get it out before the waves came crashing in on him again when you would inevitably leave. 

“you’re so cruel,” you had said, and you were right. he was. how could he be so cruel to one of the only people who ever showed him unconditional kindness? it was over, and he knew it. 

all of his memories felt disjointed. almost as if someone had glued them together into a scrapbook. you were trying so hard to follow what he was telling you. the entire time he refused to look at you. his hands were clasped together, face flushed. “i suppose that was a long winded way to say i’m sorry,” he said finally looking at you for the first time. “i’m sorry for treating you so horribly when we were together, and even now. i’m sorry for standing you up and coming home drunk. you’re right, i am cruel, and i will never forgive myself for how i treated you,” he sighed, rubbing his eyes. 

you knew he had problems with anxiety and doubt, but you never thought it was this bad. you were mad at him, but you wished he had told you. told you about how he felt like he was drowning everywhere he went. “seungcheol, i-” you began but he cut you off.

“i understand if you want to leave. i can just have joshua take me to physical therapy and my appointments. i’ve asked you to stay for too long. it wasn’t right of me. if anything, i owe you so much. you shouldn’t have to be forced to be anywhere you don’t want to be,” he said. 

you stared at him. you had never seen him so defeated. when you came to talk to him, you didn’t expect him to be the one prepared with an apology. you just wanted to talk, but now that you began piecing together the things he told you. you realized how much he did care. he saw the food you made for him. he saw the effort you put in. for some reason, that just made you feel a little better. you always felt like he didn’t see you, but he did. this entire time. “what if i want to be here?” you asked, meeting his gaze. his eyes flickered between your eyes and your lips. “then, i would ask you to stay. i would promise to treat you the way you deserve. i would make every wrong i made right with you,” he confessed, moving closer to you on the couch. he reached forward and grabbed your hand. “i'm sorry for being such an asshole to you. i would apologize every second of every day.anything to get you to trust me again,” he continued. “anything so i can be yours.”

your heart felt full. it was healing. for some reason, you believed him. minjeong would probably yell at you for “falling for his trap,” but you had a feeling he was telling the truth, that he wasn’t going to mess it up again. “then, let’s start over,” you smiled, eyes welling up. he lifted a hand and gently wiped the tears that threatened to fall with his thumb. “gladly,” he smiled. you pulled your hand away from the one he was grasping at, and extended it to him. “i’m ___, nice to meet you,” you smiled. he grinned, glancing between your face and your outstretched hand. “nice to meet you too. i’m seungcheol,” he said clasping your hands together. he felt the waves were receding, and by the look on your face, you felt it too. 

you were out shopping for what felt like the fourth time this week. you just kept forgetting something on your list that honestly couldn’t wait until the next week. then your phone began to ring. you slid it out of your pocket and answered it. “what am i forgetting?” you asked as soon as the line connected. 

“nothing, i was just wondering if you could get some milk bread,” the voice on the other side of the phone asked. you laughed quietly to yourself. “what’s the occasion?” you joked.

“it’s the weekend, and i love you,” seungcheol said. you felt your heart soar. you sighed happily and made your way over to the milk bread. you were still on the line with him, and you could hear him humming. maybe now was the time you brought it up. “so, you want the same kind from the bakery, right?” you asked, stalling. 

“of course,” he scoffed. “the fresh ones from the bakery are obviously superior to the ones that one brand makes.” it was funny since he said it like it was obvious. you hummed and placed one of the loaves in your cart. “is there anything else?” you asked. you heard seungcheol shifting around. “nope, that should be all for me,” he replied. 

“everything i’m getting is for you,” you rolled your eyes. he chuckled. you continued to chat with him as you walked through the store, picking up a few leftover things. you decided it would be a good time to end the call when you got to the register, but not before you brought it up. “look, cheol, i’m at the register, so i’ll have to go,” you said, getting in line. 

“oh, okay, sounds good. i’ll see you at home?” he asked to confirm.

“yes, after i get back, though, can we talk about that red velvet box in your sock drawer?” you smirked. 

“yeah, sure of co- wait! how do you know about that?” seungcheol took a second to process what you had told him. he sounded frantic on the other side of the phone, and it made you laugh. “oh, looks like the line is moving, i’ve got to go! we’ll talk more when i get back, right?” you smiled.

“yes, for sure, yes! we will be talking because you weren’t supposed to see that!” seungcheol exclaimed. “see you soon, i love you, ___.”

“i love you too, cheol,” you replied easily. because, in this life, you loved him, and he loved you back.  

minli | sort of proofread! working on it… i think the plot makes sense… right… please say it does. this has sort of been my child for the past month or so… i actually used the max amount of pictures in this LOL ASLDKJ. please leave some feedback if you want :) likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated :)

tagging | @a-wandering-stay @cinnamoroxie @wonwoosthetic

#seventeen #choi seungcheol #scoups #seventeen fluff #seventeen imagines #seventeen x reader #seventeen scenarios #svt x reader #seungcheol x reader #seventeen angst #scoups x reader #seungcheol fluff #scoups fluff #scoups angst #seungcheol angst #scoups smut #seventeen smut #seungcheol smut #scoups scenarios #seungcheol imagines

[ceruleancattail]

hi!! I've been a fan of your works for the longest time!! could i request an airheaded yuu who doesn't know what they're doing half the time but they can say something randomly philosophical once in a blue moon that keeps you up at night with Riddle, Ace and Deuce? gender-neutral reader please! i thought of this one while going to bed last night so apologies if it's incomprehensible skdjksdfjkfksd

thank you!

🍭anon

Omg this was so silly… thank you so much for your request, 🍭anon! I Hope you like this!!!

Riddle, Ace and Deuce with an air-headed s/o that keeps them up at night…. (With questions)

Riddle x reader, Ace x reader, Deuce x reader

Riddle

A pair of crimson eyes tend to linger on your every step , whenever you stroll by the Heartsabyul dorm. The careful, watchful eyes of your schoolmate, Riddle Rosehearts. He is no stranger to the antics you pull, no matter if they were intended or not.

Riddle finds his reaction time improving by leaps and bounds whenever he hears your surprise. Immediately rushing to your side, ready to extract you out of whatever trouble you saw fit to land yourself in this time.

Both of his hands have long mastered the art of sliding around your waist, yanking in one smooth, fluid motion. Sometimes, the momentum gets the better of both of you, and you end up tumbling straight into his arms.

Clutching onto his shoulders, you hold him tight. Standing there in each other’s embrace, you two strike the perfect image of star-crossed lovers.

Riddle can’t help the way his lips slip upwards. A smile as sweet as ruby-red strawberry tarts. Honestly, prefect. You do enjoy having him on the edge, don’t you?

He still fusses quite a bit, though. Don’t expect to escape without a lecture. However, for all the words that fall from his lips, yours seem to have the most impact.

Odd, queer questions that would have never crossed his mind. You seem to have a knack for thinking of things people wouldn’t normally. Sometimes, he finds himself up at night pondering your queries.

Always full of surprises, aren’t you, darling?

“Hey, Riddle. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?”

“I… honestly can’t say. Perhaps it would be the peacefulness and tranquility they sleep with… no matter how brief.”

Ace

You’ll soon grow used to a weight pressing onto your shoulders. Slinging an arm around you, Ace tends to lean into you quite a bit. He tags along wherever you go, that insufferable smirk never far from his lips.

Of course, it drops as quickly as it appears whenever he has to run to wherever you’ve wandered off this time. Ace has heard of air-minded people, but this is the first time he had to deal with one. There ain’t nothing but fluff and feathers up there, huh?

For all his teasing, Ace always is there to yank you out of whatever trouble you’ve stirred up. His arm stretching out, wrapping tightly around your torso. You could feel every pulse beating through his skin as Ace pulls you close. Out of harm’s reach.

Man, have you never heard? Curiosity killed the cat. You’re so lucky he was around to help you out. So how about a kiss, for all that effort?

Speaking of effort, you’ve made Ace burn more brainpower then the entire Night Raven curriculum has in an entire year. You had a weird fondness for weird questions that keep him tossing and turning in his sleep. Do you enjoy causing him sleepless nights?

There’s really no need for the questions, then.

He’s already thinking about you all the time.

“If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?”

“You have no idea how bad I want to kiss you right now.”

Deuce

For most of his misguided youth, Deuce was always the one charging forth, headstrong. Never stopping to think about the consequences. He would have called it courage, back then.

Now watching you leap mindlessly into mess after mess, he’s changed his mind. Deuce trails after you like a lost puppy, following your every step. His curiosity often aligns with yours, although Deuce has to admire your… bravery for just going straight in. Whenever someone catches your interest, off you go! Without a care in the world.

Sometimes, that curiosity takes you too far. Then, Deuce springs into action. Honestly, he should start timing his sprinting towards you. Deuce swears he never runs this fast on the track.

He isn’t one for niceties whenever you’re under the slightest hint of danger. Arms stretched out, he’s tackling you straight out of the hit-zone. Mid-air, Deuce’s arms snake around your torso, clutching you in an tight embrace. His own back, your shield keeping you from all harm.

Both of you end up on the floor, a panting Deuce above of you. His hands pat your face frantically, words coming out in broken, jerky stammers. You have to assure him that you’re alright before his shoulders even think about starting to relax.

He’s just happy you’re ok.

Well, Deuce would be a bit lonely at night if you got hurt. He tends to call you from his dorm for homework help, although the conversations tend to drift elsewhere most of the time. Specifically, your odd questions.

Deuce’s drawing out entire diagrams, and both of you spend hours over the phone, discussing various fantastic theories. Each one more weirder then the last.

Deuce never thought he’ll have so much fun just talking.

You’re just special, aren’t you?

“Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?”

“Hold up, I’m opening my laptop right now-“

#twisted wonderland #twst #disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #deuce spade x reader #deuce x reader #deuce spade #deuce #ace trappola x reader #ace x reader #ace trappola #twst ace #riddle rosehearts #riddle #riddle rosehearts x reader #riddle x reader #lucky charm🔷

[yuwuta]

Nsfw // Remember the itfs talk?? Cause I was thinking, I was thinking so hard about what to answer cause like yesss!!!

I want to focus on the latter tags cause.... Wow thats what I'm talking about!! Whenever I read itafushi I like top yuuji and bottom (and more often than not sub) megumi. So it makes so much sense that you'd want to take revenge for that cause he liked you but chose to ask yuuji out before asking you?? Or, yuuji knew megs liked you and still choose to ask him out?? So, in the first scenario it would be more than fair to dom him! Maybe you were all just talking about how you all ended up together and yuuji just lets that slip. maybe you're feeling like being a bit (or maybe a lot) mean to megumi, get him on his knees, sucking, deepthroating really, yuuji with you controlling his movements absolutely forcing him to take all of yuus length down his throat and gag like crazy with an obscene amount of spit oozing out of the corner of his lips. It was definitely personal too, they way you were treating megumi. Yuuji is not innocent in all of this ofc, but I'll let that slide for the sake of the moment. To continue punishing megs you would have your way with yuuji while he just sits there and... watch. It would end with yuuji giving you a huge creampie, it was such a lewd sight too, his dick was already shining cause of megumis spit, and even more after he entered you cause you were soaked. So there you are, full of your bfs cum seeping out and you ask megumi to clean you, cause that wouldn't be the first nor last time that he'd taste yuuji. Your revenge on yuuji is definitely happening another day too

gnaws on a steel plate… godddddddd okokokok yuuji has such an effortless dominate aura about him that’s a little scary once he hones in on it. most of the time, it’s purely his outgoing, charming nature and physical strength that lures other people into submission by will or force, whichever comes first, and he’s sort of naive to it. but when he chooses to exercise that strength, when he chooses to be stronger than you, than megumi, when he chooses to seduce, it’s mind-numbing, it’s boyish, but there’s still a distinct power struggle that it’s dizzying… insane… 

anyway… you said two very important things in here and i only have the space (brainpower) to bring attention to one right now, and i will below, but just know we need to come back to the point about letting yuuji creampie you while megumi’s there bc i am firm believer that that’s actually one of megumi’s biggest fantasies. in general, seeing you and yuuji together does very bad things for his brain but not bad enough for him to deny that… also megumi king of safe sex until it comes to watching yuuji cum inside of you goddddd

yuuji is the one who instigates your revenge in the first place (and he will also do the opposite, will convince megumi that he deserves to take some frustration out on you, that you were sooo oblivious while he pined for you for all those years, how you weren’t very observant as his best friend and now he’s got the chance to show you exactly how badly he’s wanted you… but that’s for another time…)—but right now, yuuji’s getting into your head, he’s deceptively charming, not at all innocent, and far too calculated when he stops making out with megumi and turns to you, not too far away, sitting up against the headboard with wide eyes. yuuji thinks you look awfully cute—you always do when you three are together, you have this wide-eyed awe about you; not shy, but definitely still timid about the fact that you’re now dating your childhood best friend and his boyfriend. yuuji loves that look, but he thinks he’d like to ruin it more. 

and he takes the opportunity to do so, much to megumi’s surprised and distaste—ignoring megumi’s pawing at the hem of his shirt, impatient, yuuji looks over his shoulder to you and poses, “can i ask you something?” 

your eyebrows raise in surprise. megumi’s raise in suspicion, petulantly coming down from the high of making out with yuuji, and craning his head back to look at you. your eyes shift to his briefly, and then back to yuuji’s, almost embarrassed, and when he looks at megumi, there’s a slight blush at the tips of his ears. cute. you two are very cute, and yuuji likes it a lot. it confirms to him exactly what he wants to happen tonight. 

“you remember how i told you about yuuta-senpai? and how he’s my best friend, but when he started dating inumaki-senpai, i kinda hated him because they spent so much time together?” yuuji recounts casually, biting back a grin when megumi huffs. you nod, evidently confused, but yuuji continues, slowly reaching a hand up megumi’s arm, over his shoulder, up his jaw, until he reaches the shell of his ear, then asks, “did you ever feel that way about me?”

he can see the shock on your face, hear it from megumi when he gasps a bit and pulls away from yuuji’s touch, “what kind of a—”  

but yuuji doesn’t want to hear his side of the story right now. in fact, if all goes his way, he won’t be hearing much of anything from megumi tonight—he reaches his hand back up to pinch at megumi’s ear, and hushes him, “i’m just asking her, meg. she’s my girlfriend now, too. don’t i get to know these things?” 

your mouth is slightly ajar, and yuuji chuckles. you’re so quiet, he’s beginning to think he’s scared you, but soon, you smile, sweet, and gentle, and he can’t even blame megumi for fawning over you since middle school. “i—i didn’t hate you yuuji,” you reply, “i thought—think—you’re good for megumi. i just wanted him to be happy, and you make him happy.” 

yuuji hums. no wonder you two never got together before. “so you’re the self-sacrificing type, too, huh?” he smiles, far less innocently than you might think, “maybe i should have gotten you and yuuta-senpai together, instead.” 

you look like you’re about to refute, but megumi pulls back again, throughly annoyed when he interjects, “what the hell are you—”

but yuuji is quick to move his hand from his ear to his throat, pinching his fingers around his neck with just enough pressure to stutter and silence him. 

“i’m still not talking to you,” he reminds megumi, eyes sharp. he squeezes around megumi’s neck a bit tighter, before turning his attention back to you, “was he always like this? always biting before you can bark? must have been kind of annoying to deal with, huh?” 

your eyes widen, bambi-like and yuuji almost coos. from where you’re sitting against the headboard, you can’t see megumi’s face completely, just a sliver of his cheek, but you can probably tell by the reddening skin around his neck and ears that yuuji’s not just choking him for show. 

“i—uh… it’s not like that, it’s just… yuuji you’re gonna hurt him…”

but, you should also be able to tell that megumi’s not fighting it either. 

“you’re always so worried about him,” yuuji pushes megumi back against the pillows, paying no mind to his panting, simply ordering, “stay down.” 

yuuji then reaches out for you instead, gently pulling your body towards in him stark contrast to how he’d treated megumi a moment ago—twirling you as best he can while you’re kneeling on the mattress, maneuvering your body so that you’re straddling megumi and yuuji’s back is pressed against yours. 

yuuji hears you gasp, ever so lightly, when you inadvertently press your crotch against megumi’s. he almost wants to watch you two do that instead, but right now he’s a man on a mission, so instead, he puts his hands on his hips to keep you still, “see—he can take it. he even likes it.” 

you raise a hand to reach out to megumi, but yuuji stops you, forcing your back flush against his front, and caging you in with his arms and resting his chin against your shoulder. he turns his head to kiss you on the cheek, slow, once, and then again, and then against your earlobe, “you wanna try?” 

“try—what, choking him?” you ask, trying to turn your head to face yuuji, but he keeps it steady, keeps you facing megumi. 

“it’s not like you’re gonna hurt him,” yuuji hums against your skin, trails open-mouthed kisses along your neck. “it’ll feel good, i promise.”  

“well, uh... megumi, do you—”  

but yuuji raises a hand to squish your cheeks together before you can finish, turns your head to him and tuts, “i’m telling you it’s okay. megumi didn’t ask you before he asked me out, right? you don’t need his permission for everything, princess.” 

yuuji’s not just leveraging your feelings against each other now—now it’s sexual knowledge too, all the fantasies megumi has indulged him in about you, all the kinks he has that you’re clueless to. yuuji knows that despite the history you and megumi have, he’s the bridge between you now—and right now, yuuji wants you on his side.

“must bother you a little bit, right?” yuuji coos, releasing his grasp on your cheeks and using his hand to tilt your chin upwards to face him, “that he asked me out when he still had a crush on you. it still bothers me sometimes—and yet he had the nerve to get upset when i asked you about it. kinda selfish, no?” 

“i’m just saying, i think you should teach him a lesson,” yuuji continues, using his other hand to help your body rock against megumi’s, drinking in the sight of your pliant lips and the sound of his strained sighs. 

megumi’s probably not far from cumming in his boxers at this point, and you’re not far from helping yuuji make him do worse. 

“come on, princess,” yuuji smiles, pressing a kiss to your cheek before looking at megumi, “you gonna help me put a leash on him?” 

it’s an invitation and a threat, this you seem to understand. you can say yes to yuuji, say yes to having megumi between you two tonight, say yes and have a little bit of power; or you can say no, and be on the receiving end of punishment. 

yuuji almost thinks you’ll choose the latter out of loyalty, out of devotion to your best friend, out of shyness and inexperience in taking what you want, but you’re not just megumi’s anymore—your his girl now, too, and you make it known when your soft hand crawls up megumi chest and to his neck, and hesitantly wraps around his throat. 

tonight, megumi’s yours and yuuji’s. 

“good girl,” yuuji grins, wicked with intent when he presses a kiss to the back of your neck, “now lets have some fun with him.” 

#.........immense intense brain rot i didn't even put into words right how yuuji has so much inadvertent power and [blacks out] #GODDDDDDD #tumblr user yuwuta ever stop using dog analogies when writing about megumi level impossible #HNNNNNNN i need to BITE him #yuuji is so effortless seductive it's crazy it's crazy it's CRAZYYYY #the twist of using your and megumi's feelings for each other to get you three together #to then using it to tear you two apart for his own devices............. yuuji itadori when i catch you............. #this reminds me i have more itfs asks to answer i just need to relax and be coherent.... #itafushi #itafushi x reader #yuuji x reader #megumi x reader #yuuji smut #megumi smut #itafushi smut #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk smut #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen smut

[just-another-author-i-guess]

omg if you write smut you NEED to write judd birch smut

I literally cannot stop writing smut for the guy— he’s just so 🥰😋😳🥵

Tags: fem! Reader, porn, literally and without plot, Judd doesn’t know what ‘soft sex’ means fr, he also curses and calls you a variety of fun swear words, very unprotected sex, use protection pls! author wrote this at 1 am and was sleep deprived

Summary: you and Judd fuck.

Author’s note: I was laying on the couch and just,, got this idea. It’s super short, but sometimes all we need is a short lil Judd smut to get us through the day, right? God I love him so much,,

Judd smut drabble

Word count; 1,3K

You couldn’t hear Connie anymore, barely had the brainpower to register that she indeed still was somewhere in the room— you couldn’t think because all you could feel was Judd.

He had been fucking you for hours. You were so sore and puffy and sensitive, so worn out that you couldn’t even hold yourself up anymore.

His hand was in your hair, large fingers roughly gripping the back of your head and pressing your face so far down into the mattress you could barely breathe. He made sure you couldn’t look at him, couldn’t touch him as he covered you entirely with his own body, holding you up with an arm under your hips and thrusting into you with a speed most would deem inhuman.

Drooling, whimpering and crying, you clawed at the pillows, they were close to ripping under your tight grip. You could feel him so deep— his mushroom-like tip pressing against and bruising your g-spot each time he moved.

You had taken his cock plenty before, in this particular position too, but you never seemed to get used to his size. The stretch burned so pleasurably in your lower belly, you could feel him there too, slightly bulging and turning your brain to absolute mush.

“You’re crying, bitch?” He drawled, feeling your body wreck with sobs. You were so wet, and it felt so good, what else could you do than cry?

In response, you wiggled your hips, trying (and failing) to match his rapid thrusts. His grip on your hair tightened, and his speed picked up. It hurt, but you liked it. Loved it even. It only served to make you more wet, slick running from your puffy hole and coating everything underneath and besides you— including Judd. His thighs were wet with your slick, you could feel it as he leaned further over you and smeared some of it on your ass.

He pressed your face further into the mattress, mushing your cheeks together. “You got what you asked for— take it.” He grunted. It was true, you were completely at fault for getting yourself into this predicament. Earlier, while he was trying to concentrate on his training, you had been all over him— you begged and pleaded and told him he could fuck you as a form of exercise, and he generously took you up on that offer.

But that also meant he wouldn’t stop until he grew tired— it didn’t matter if you could handle it or not.

Only a few times, when you first got together had he fucked you so roughly. He could go, and go, and go, till you passed out still on his cock. So no. He wouldn’t stop till he was tired.

“Jwudd— jwuud, I can’t—“ You sniffled, makeup and drool bleeding out into Judd’s pillows.

He cackled sinisterly, lifting your head slightly. “You can and you will. Just one more time and you can pass out, alright, baby?”

Then he was moving his arm down from your waist— long fingers coming to rub harsh circles into your neglected clit. You gaped, pussy clenching wildly around Judd as he finally played with your puffy, aching bud. You moaned loudly, so loudly that it bordered on a shriek that the whole house would be able to hear.

“So now you want everyone to hear? What happened to being quiet?” He teased you, the corners of his mouth perking up just the slightest. Both his brows were furrowed— sweat dripping between them, he was also getting close to yet another release himself and he had to concentrate to not blow his load.

You knew his family was home, anyone could walk up to the second floor of the house and hear the two of you clear as day.

Your eyes rolled to the back of your head, in time with Judd’s harsh pull on your hair. “Y-yes! I don’t care— please, J-Judd..” You babbled, too drunk on dick to come up with anything coherent.

His thrusts increased again, your already loud squelching gaining sound. “If you wanna sound like a fucking whore, let everyone know who’s making you cum. Who owns you, huh? You and your wet fucking pussy,” Judd spat.

You mewled. “You— Judd..!”

“Not good enough.” He growled. “Again, slut.”

Fat, wet tears rolled slowly down your cheeks and you wailed; “Judd! I’m yours— you own me and my wet pussy!”

Suddenly, he was harshly shoving your head back into the mattress— then letting go of your hair. He flipped you around, cock leaving you for barley a second before he shoved it inside again, all the way in one thrust.

You gasped as he held both your thighs to your chest, bending your knees over his shoulders and supporting himself with an arm on each side of your head. He looked directly into your face and your cunt clenched at just the sight of him— his tightly set jaw, rosy cheeks and furrowed brows. If you didn’t know better, you’d have mistaken his concentration for a scowl.

“So big. S’big,” You babbled— his cue to spread a large hand over your stomach.

His cock bulged through you, he pressed down, right when he thrusted into you and that’s when you had enough.

You came with a sob of his name, mouth hanging open in a silent scream as you creamed on his cock. He groaned, loudly and hid his face in your shoulder to conceal the way he bit his lip. Judd was only a few, very rough thrusts behind you. His balls slapped against you with each thrust, he pressed down a bit harder, feeling himself through you and then he came.

Your hole clenched pathetically around him as he filled you with thick, warm spend— he bit down on your neck and jaw. He peppered you with small bites, your neck was already so completely covered that he had to bite in already sore and tender marks. You moaned and found his hair with your hands, holding him tightly to you.

You felt your belly expand slightly— so full with both his dick and cum. It was hard to stay awake, with his warm body covering you, your eyes crossed slightly as you concentrated on staying awake.

Judd nosed your collarbone. “You can sleep, pretty girl. I’ll clean you up,” he muttered, softly pulling your legs down and slipping out of you.

You whined, at both the feeling of loss when he slipped out and when he started to move away. You reached for him and he clicked his tongue. “You wanna fuck again already? You’re such a little slut,”

“Mhm..” His words didn’t register in your brain, all you felt was his warm cum in your pussy and something that felt suspiciously like an old t-shirt being rubbed against you to clean you up.

Then you were out, softly breathing and hiccuping in your sleep. Judd looked down at you with a crooked grin. “Pretty little bitch.” He muttered, eyes raking your sleeping form.

Even though he literally fucked you to sleep, you looked completely innocent to him. He gently covered you with his blanket— fingers softly digging into your skin to feel you as he did so. You were so warm and soft, his chest swelled with pride as he looked at the work he did on your neck, shoulders and thighs. Bloody teeth indents and bruises covered your smooth skin, his teeth indents and bruises.

‘Fuck her while she’s sleeping.’ Maury clapped him on the shoulder. He shook the monster off, fixing him a dark glare.

“Fuck off, I’m going to sleep.” He was getting tired himself, going for so long did use up quite a bit of his stamina.

The monster laughed hoarsely. ‘I was kidding! You did a great job, kid. She’s knocked the fuck out,’

Judd barely bothered acknowledging his praise, grunting but otherwise keeping quiet as he rose from the bed to search for a pair of boxers. His muscles were sore and he groaned as he stood up, stretching before pulling a pair of boxers from the drawers.

Maury bid him goodbye, spraying nonsense about visiting a nearby restaurant before disappearing. Judd fell back into bed, narrowly avoiding falling onto you. He pulled your sleeping form to him, nuzzling his face into your hair as he drifted off to the land of dreams.

Omg I need to go to bed 🫣 I genuinely hope you enjoyed this, though

Also, three fics in one week?!?!? Can we talk about that??? Y’all are eating so well lol. And look at me somewhat consistently uploading 😎 wowie

Tags: @dlfvrr , @bxbyyyjocelyn (lemme know if you want to be tagged!)

#big mouth #judd birch x reader #judd birch #big mouth x reader #judd birch smut #x reader smut #smut

[yua-nism]

I saw your tags and I’m now very intrigued like what do you mean yuhan has the SHORTEST TRAGIC BACKSTORY?!?! JUST WHAT IS GOING ON?? like granted I should have known a game about devil cat butlers would have some angst and tragic backstories but god damn 😭😭

there was a miscalculation on my part and yuuhan's is in fact, not the one with the shortest backstory! however that's only because the others have yet to have their backstories be revealed. sorry for the late answer btw, exams have made me pretty tired.

ok so ill briefly explain a bit. this ties in to the requirement to become a devil butler that is, having felt so much despair that one feels like dying. normal people will be swallowed up by the devils they contract with. the despair essentially acts like chains for the devil. so to talk about their pasts in the Briefest Way Possible (lie):

miyaji has beef with lucas on the surface but really it's because he still can't get over the fact that lucas decided to save him from the verge of death instead of someone else he thought was more capable than him while lucas simply chose to save miyaji because he had higher chances of living.

lucas was basically a child prodigy/genius. since young, he's always loved reading books, and even read thick books that even adults struggled to understand. even though he was lonely and had no one to talk to, he still endured it, skipped grades, and became a doctor at the age of 10+. at first he was looked down on for being young, but an older doctor stood up for him. eventually he became the leader of the doctors, but due to his lack of social skills, he struggled to communicate well, which resulted in the doctors hating him. in the end, all the doctors except lucas quit their job. and the group collapsed. (tbf id quit too... imagine being said you didn't work as hard as him and don't have as much brainpower compared to him as well)

ammon has only had his mom since birth and lived with her, selling flowers for a living. ammon would always make sure the flowers would be sold out at the end of the day for his sickly mother, but if he doesn't manage to sell all of them it's heavily implied his mom whips him like he does to himself even now. they were like super poor but ammon still loved his mom because he only had her

berrien has like this super mysterious past but rn it's starting to unravel in chapter 4. he's an orphan and got adopted into a church backed by the grovanas or whatever nobel family to nurture warriors who could fight angels, but surprisingly the church is actually full of love and was ran by someone who fighted angels named Goetia. berrien also met his soon-to-be older brother figure named Beren/Belen. btw all of the kids go by the last name Cliane because goetia wants everyone to become true family.

when berrien was 26 (Beren 29), goetia died from a chronic disease and Beren had to take on goetia's responsibilities. berrien became the one running the church, however shit happened, Beren got demonized, and berrien used his powers to keep Beren alive after forming a contract with his current devil. he's still residing in berrien's basement as of current, but in a coma. berrien still thinks he himself has no rights to be a butler and really does not believe that he's the one keeping the damn thing running

also the church got destroyed like 2400 years ago and yes berrien is 2000+ years old

haures was born into some wack ass family, his dad ran away with some other woman and his mom projected her rage and stuff like that onto haures, and his newborn younger sister Tricia. haures is 10 years older than Tricia. when he was that age, he ran away from home with Tricia (literal baby) because he no longer trusted his mom to take good care of them. after that, when haures was 18, he trained hard to become a soldier under the grovanas nobles so he could afford to let Tricia get treatment for her worsening vision. one heartbreaking scene was when haures showed off his red uniform to Tricia and she said the blue uniform looked good on him... but 5 years later, haures managed to get Tricia's eyes healed!!! surely nothing bad could happen!!!!

sike. haures caught one of the grovanas nobles illegally trafficking humans with some dealer, and arrested him. however that led to the seller getting revenge, and he decided to capture tricia. he stabbed her and threw her into the woods. when haures found her, she only managed to call out to haures before she died after a few breaths. haures was really really really devastated. he sought revenge on the noble, and while the noble didn't die, he was jailed 5 years for harming the noble (not death sentence because he was determined mentally unstable after losing Tricia.). after he got out of jail, he found the noble again and wanted to kill him, but he was reminded of how Tricia admired him for protecting the people and helping those in need, which stopped him. after that, he became a devil butler because of his proficient fighting skills.

lamli was forced to work at a circus by his mom at the age of 10, while starting up with simple duties, he decided to train to become a circus troupe performer so he'd earn more money for his complaining mother. its heavily implied he's abandoned by her and becomes a devil butler because of his nimble body. btw his mom said she never wanted to have lamli right in front of him. jesus.

fennesz was born into a wealthy happy family, and had an older sister. however his war general father lost a war against nobles, and the economy went into shambles. his mom remarried but even though their stepdad was nice, fennesz and his sister ended up strays on the street due to some reasons i forgot of. fennesz would get bullied by kids on the street because of his father's loss in the war, but his sister would always protect him, and they relied on each other for survival. she's very smart, as shown in the story. she also loves history, as she said, it can help people learn from the past. its heavily implied she is dead.

ok flure! flure grew up with his older sister and mother who both did ballet (can one of you have an actual dad for once?), and he also followed in their footsteps. however when he was a child he was bullied for liking stereotypical girly things, like playing with his sister's dolls, doing ballet and having long hair. even though he was laughed at for doing it, he still underwent strict training guided bg his sister and mother. he never found the courage to tell his sister or mom even though his sister could tell something was wrong (heard him crying at night). he still thinks he should be more courageous to this day and thinks he's pathetic. we don't know what happened to his family but they probably died.

i wanted to talk about boschi but i realized idk much about him apart from the fact that he only had his grandmother (who's actually a great caretaker for once!) and he was bullied for being a bookworm/nerd at school and had no friends. though he did actually beat those bullies up later for mocking his grandma when she wanted to take him back home. she didn't want boschi to fight but she said herself she was actually rooting for him when he was fighting LMAOOO love her for that

lono. ok so lono was really poor and had no parents, and he acted as the older brother for the younger kids living on the streets with him. he'd work as someone who'd clean up rubble from battling angels, which was a job that had unstable income since no one knows when angels are gonna appear. they were family basically. lono would rather starve than let his siblings eat less, and his love of cooking originated here because he loved seeing them happy from his cooking. we don't know what happened to them, but they're probably dead

nac was born into a rich family, and has a father, not sure if he has a mother, never mentioned at least. apparently the stein family was great at sales or trading or smth??? they're just some very rich and well-known name. however on his 12th birthday, his butler led him to the forest near the stein mansion, and revealed himself to be someone the stein family harmed. just as he was about to kill lil nac in shock, nac retaliated in defense. and when he realized, he already stabbed the man at his vital point. his dad appears out of nowhere and reveals that he knew this all along, and that the stein family is actually a long line of assassins with sales as their front personas. nac was trained to kill since then, and thought he'd never feel positive emotions again before he became a devil butler. he also has scars all around his body, probably from the assassin work he did.

lato and his non-blood related brother, Aleks I think? were kidnapped by people who wanted to train people to become angel fighters. however unlike berrien, this time it's just pure cruelness and literal torture. they were 8 when this experiment started. not only that, all the children were sold by their caretakers to this place, including lato and aleks' "mother", the head of their orphanage, who they deeply loved and believed in. when lato finally found a way to escape, almost half the children were dead.

and when he told the others, they told lato that they already gave up on escaping, including aleks. from, i suppose, all the suppressed anger and trauma, he burned the experiment facility down, leaving the other kids to die because he hallucinated that they wanted them to be burned so they could be free. after that, lato returned to the orphanage even though he knew the "mother" sold him in the first place. guess what the mother did! that's right she ran back into the orphanage when she saw him, locked the fucking door and told him to get the fuck away from her. and lato burned the orphanage down.

now onto the new butler trio!

teddy is the one with the most details in his backstory so far. when he was young, he Had a twin brother, and teddy was a far cry from who he is now. he was negative and gloomy compared to his brother, who was positive and talented, and people always favored teddy's brother more. but one day, his brother died protecting him from an angel, but since they were so alike people didn't know whether the one that died was teddy or his brother. and after grieving his brother, teddy decided to become him, and used his brother's name to live on as him so people wouldn't be sad, because "teddy" was the one that died. and that led to teddy forming his personality today. teddy is his actual name though, he started using it after he became a knight. he became a knight because he wanted to protect people from angels.

but during an attack by an intelligent angel, namely seraphim, one of the angels that appeared at the end of chapter 1 and also the major antagonist of the story, teddy's entire unit got killed. at the start of chapter 2.5, he recuperated in a hospital, however he kept terrible nightmares (reliving the massacre, and hearing the voices of his comrades asking him why he abandoned them and why he got to survive) and so didn't sleep at all. he eventually snuck out of the hospital to visit their graves, and then started wondering what the point of him still being alive is. he almost threw himself off a cliff before haures and aruji reached him.

hanamaru. ten years before the story, hanamaru was fleeing from something- he walked all the way from the east to the central, and collapsed in a forest. a nun found him and took him back to a church that doubled as an orphanage. however the nun soon fell ill and died, so hanamaru began taking care of the kids in the church after he was saved by her.

but 5 years later, the church was attacked by angels. he was away from the church when the attack happened, and when he came back, all he saw were angels flying away from the ruined church. only 4 kids survived. hanamaru had a breakdown, and kept kneeling and pressing his head against the ground, saying things like "i couldn't protect them", "i swear ill keep them safe next time", implying this is not the first time something like this has happened. he swore vengeance against the angels that day, that he would never forgive them, and himself. so berrien suspects that the 4 kids that survived were the people that kept hanamaru around. who knows what could've happened if they passed as well...

lastly (finally), yuuhan. at the age of 9, he trained to become a soldier of the sardeis family so he could protect his hometown, and made it after 3 years. he quickly rose up in the ranks, being a prodigy. in the main story, he started doubting his loyalty to the family after they attempted an assassination on the devil butlers. and he betrayed the sardeis family and fell into their trap when investigating forbidden records. he got thrown into jail by the head, and the head decided for his punishment, yuuhan's whole village and everyone he knew there will be burned and killed. he could only despair in jail. in the story, after his prison guard left after serving him food, yuuhan started crying. he called out to his father, his mother, everyone from his hometown, apologizing again and again, believing that it's his fault that they died.

after that, the head, fubuki, paid him a visit. fubuki beat yuuhan up, pushed him to the verge of death, but not grave enough injuries to die. yuuhan asked fubuki to kill him, but fubuki refused. he even says he'll force feed yuuhan till the day of his death execution if necessary. however, yuuhan was rescued by the butlers during his execution. (it took place in a forest with tigers. basically the death penalty is getting eaten by tigers) he became a devil butler after that.

holy shit. also im not typing Bastien's since you can read his backstory from the tls available here.

#akuneko #SUMMARIZING MY ASS. #when i said i took one hour to type all this i am not joking... #yua receives a question #devil butler with black cat #berrien cliane #lono fontaine #nac stein #flure garcia #lato bacca #hanamaru kawakami #haures clifford #fennesz oswald #boschi arenas #ammon lead #teddy brown #ohhh my god. how many of these mfs do i have to tag #lucas thompscie #miyaji oldia #lamli bennett #shinonome yuhan #shinonome yuuhan

[poisoned-pearls]

PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FANKIDS THEY ARE SO CUTE.... do they have unique magic?? what are their family dynamics (with their parents, grandparents, etc.)???

AH OKAY SOOO- I have quite a few (I’ll tag them all so you can scroll through their tags- despite not having an organized blog I do have it organized for them) BUT I shall focus on Nami, Enzi, Faraja and Viv because. I’m in a mood for my girls rn-/lh

Nami is an only child, spoiled to hell and back by Azul because look at that man. He was made to be a girl dad spoiling them. She can do no wrong to them and they will defend her and her actions until the end of time. BUT she is the more generous kind of spoiled (if she likes you. If she doesn’t then get slapped by octopus tentacle motherfucker-) where she will give you something like that because she’d always just get another one

she’s the only one to have a fully thought out um (because god why do they take so much brainpower to think of)- Sirens Song. If she wills it, she can use her voice as a tool of mass hypnotism. This ability goes as far as her voice does, so as long as you are in earshot of her voice, you are susceptible. (Which sucks for beastmen with good hearing)

in general though she is very close with both of her dads and admires both of them to an absurd degree. She wants to be just like them, if not better. She is ADORED on Azul’s side (because in my lore, octo babies are RARE. You will only ever probably have one, or maybe two if you are insanely lucky. It ties into their magical prowess) but on Jamil’s side it’s basically just Najma and Jaddah, but she barely sees her (in my lore Jamil’s mom isn’t a bad person, she just was stuck in a bad situation and was very mentally unwell. Jamil and Najma were both ripped from her arms right after she gave birth and it messed her up. Jamil let her hold baby Nami and she cried)

(Design wise she pulls from Ariel and Vanessa. And a bit of jasmine)

Enzi is also technically an only child, but it’s only ever been her and ruggie. She was quite literally plucked off of the street and she’s been with him ever since. She grew up side by side with Faraja, constantly having play dates and such. But overall, she just, loves her dad. They’re a lot more like friends then a normal parent kid dynamic because ruggie understands that as she gets older she wants more respect (and hyena gender roles come in a bit). He taught her things from his culture though (HISPANIC RUGGIEEEE-) and she is fully considered apart of their community. Even if she’s a grey hyena in a sea of blonde and brown.

Faraja is… oh god she is my angst baby. I’m so sorry girl- she is an only child as well. I swear I didn’t mean for this to happen- her other parent.. isn’t in the picture. One day she was at Leona’s doorstep with a note saying she was his, and a week later, after the tests went through, she was. Cursed with being a bastard in a royal family (despite how fucking upset about it Leona was and how much he fought her treatment) she was basically ostracized from the rest of the family except for farena’s wife and Cheka. Leona loves her though. She never got a royal budget so he works as a local magical history professor and gives her his budget instead. Her hair is used throughout her storyline to express her feelings and I have a post detailing some of her angst

Vivienne is Not an only child, she has her brother, Emil- and she’s a musician (a la Taylor swift- said somewhat jokingly) but she only started performed when she was 16, because Vil was absolutely not going to have her have the same childhood he did. Instead she was tossed over to rook and taken out hunting. She has a crossbow in her skirt enchanted to compress at all times. She’s close with her little brother (tho he is annoying. Like all siblings) and she’s pretty close with both of her parents. (She also loves her gf Faraja which was a uh. Shock for Vil, at first.)

#AUAGH OKAY #Faraja kingscholar #Nami ashengrotto #vivienne schoenheit #Emil schoenheit #Enzi bucchi #Malick draconia #Mallerie draconia #Neo shroud #Ellie felmier #Samir Al asim #Tamaki leech #There is also my florid twins but they are uh. UNNAMED

[inquisimer]

15 lines of dialogue

Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!

tagged by @shivunin and @greypetrel for this one - thank you friends! <3 no context, because that would require more brainpower from me, ehehehe :3 perhaps I will do more for my other OCs later? remains to be seen lol

tagging forward to @dreadfutures | @rosella-writes | @dragon--sage | @oxygenforthewicked | and @kiastirling-fanfic

Siobhan Hawke

dialogue featured from: hold my hope by the throat after all this survival in lieu of flowers lift with your knees, atlas whatever sins you've committed Rum on a Fire

“Is it my brother’s fate or his skill that you find to be a joke, serrah?”

"They are dead and no amount of pride and indignation will bring them back! Hate him all you want—dying on a soapbox is no way to honor their sacrifice."

“This city gave me everything and I paid it back ten times over. My time and coin, my family and friends, every little piece of myself—“

“I think there’s something in our trade agreement—or possibly my vows—that prohibits me from actively disparaging the city’s history.”

“Oh, fuck the Inquisition.”

"It’s impossible and insane and something straight out of the worst parts of the Chant but—It happened. It happened and we—Seb, we didn’t all make it out.”

“What about me stuck living in a world without him?”

“I didn’t know where else to go,” she admitted. “I’m not sure if that’s exactly the same thing.”

“I just…I—there is so much. It would be easier, perhaps, if I was not a mage, or not in Kirkwall, or not important.”

“I’m not in love with you, Sebastian. I don’t know that I will ever be. I would not ask you to share your throne with someone who cannot give you her heart.”

“What I have done—whatever good I rendered or peace I wrought—what does it matter?”

“If I’m going to be awake and worrying, I might as well get some work done.”

“What is one life, in exchange for a whole city? For peace? There’s no comparison.” She brought her gaze back to him. “If blood could save this city, I would sharpen myself on a blade. But it is people and words and effort that will keep Kirkwall whole. And those things take more of me than a well-placed fireball. But it is worth it.”

“Kirkwall comes first. It always has. You knew that when you gave me this.”

“Take it out on me. Your ire and anger, and the rage of every person in this city. I deserve it."

#oc: siobhan hawke #tag game #fun to realize that some of the most poignant dialogue about siobhan #is not said by her #lol

[lostcol]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

tagged by @eusuntgratie 😘

How many works do you have on ao3? 24

What's your total ao3 word count? 195,342

What fandoms do you write for? primarily men's hockey rpf and queer as folk, but I've also written for teen wolf, 911, and cmbyn.

Top five fics by kudos: Catalepsis (britin, qaf) Sick Day (buddie, 911) Open Your Fucking Eyes, Justin (britin, qaf) A Knight in Shining... Clubwear? (britin, qaf) The Great Poxing of 2013 (sterek, teen wolf) okay this is making me sad for my hockey fic 🥲

Do you respond to comments? always! but I don't get many, comparatively, and i produce like two one-shots a year, so it's not hard 😂

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? probably Confrontation (britin, qaf). It's a short, dialogue-only fic of an argument, and there's no resolution.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? oof I don't know, I tend to write happy endings, so there's a lot of choose from. I have a couple tknp fics that are about them getting together, which always makes for a happy ending, but I'll go with Wildflour (tknp, men's hockey rpf) because it ends mid-hookup, and that's always fun.

Do you get hate on fics? not yet 🙏

Do you write smut? yes! it's not my strong suit and it always takes me forfuckingever to write, but it's in there.

Craziest crossover: I haven't done any. Although a friend and I have (briefly) discussed the possibility of a tknp/firefly crossover, which I think would be amazing if I could wrap my head around the scope of it.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? not that i know of.

Have you ever had a fic translated? nope, but that would be so cool.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? nope. writing is a very *very* casual hobby for me, and I know that it would stress me out to feel like I constantly had to keep with a deadline and/or that i was letting my co-author down.

All time favorite ship? christ, sophie's choice much? Even though it's not the fandom I'm currently writing and reading the most right now, I've got to say britin from qaf. They're so formative for me, and I always come back to them. They're like, the foundational sunshine/grump ship in my world. With tknp a close close second. Currently I'm mostly reading firstprince.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i'm not really a wip person, I only have the brainpower to have one fic in my head at a time, so i tend to write, finish, post before i start something else (no matter how long it takes goddammit). but I do have some slightly more fleshed out qaf ideas that I may or may not come back to... but since most of them are pretty similar (something bad happens to justin, brian helps him out), I definitely won't write them all. I also have some ideas for fandoms i'll probably never write for again, but then again, never say never.

What are your writing strengths? dialogue. I like writing it probably more than any other part of my fics, and I feel like I'm good at it. Humor, which surprised me when I started writing because I started in the qaf fandom and almost all of my fics there skewed angsty, but I love adding humor in when the situation calls for it and I feel like I can be funny? I hope? 😂

What are your writing weaknesses? oh smut for sure. it takes me FOREVER to write it because I just... I don't know, get bored? I think I just find writing action sequences difficult generally, and what is smut if not action. Also world-building, which is why I tend to stick to very canon or canon-adjacent writing.

Thoughts on dialogue in another language? sure, if it fits the character and situation. I haven't had reason to do it, but I could throw some basic Spanish in or like, single words in other languages, but I'd hate not getting it right so that would hold me back. I do find it annoying as a reader when there's a lot of foreign language dialogue in an english language fic and there's no translation.

First fandom you wrote in? first ever was technically buffy back when I was 14, but that was me writing it with the intent to change the names and pass it off as original fiction for my freshman english class. And I got an A! The first straight-up fic I wrote was for one tree hill. First fandom i was *involved* in and wrote for was qaf.

Favorite fic you've written? oh god why. I can narrow it down to two IF I MUST. First, Catalepsis (britin, qaf), it's my only true multi-chapter fic and at 82k it's my longest fic by like 70k. It took me literal years to finish, I'm super proud of it, and even though it's long I've had multiple comments about people rereading, which is always amazing. And The Great Poxing of 2013 (sterek, teen wolf). I just love it, it's funny and sweet and flirty and the only teen wolf fic I've written. It wasn't planned, I had a flash of inspiration and banged it out in two nights in front of the tv.

tagging @bigassbowlingballhead @madsworld15 @winderlylandchime and anybody else who wants to do it! (sorry if you guys already did it and I missed it, this week's been crazy) 💚

#tag games #fic games

[greetings-humans]

this has already been said a million times but ig some people never got the memo so here I am.

when a fic updates and it's been a while (be that a month, a semester, a year, multiple years, a fucking decade or maybe several of those) YOU DON'T SUDDENLY GET A FREE PASS TO BE AN ASSHOLE TO THE AUTHOR

some things for your consideration:

the fic author is not paid for this creative effort and also needs to spend time actually supporting themselves financial

the fic author is not a robot that cranks out creative material. breaks are needed, sometimes people leave fandoms and come back much later. it is human and it is natural. some people can't completely obsess over one single fic consistently and also write stuff for it, and thus cannot consistently give you chapters. sometimes, "consistently" also means not as soon as you'd like. please find your brain from the lost and found and realize that if someone is updating and has not abandoned their fic, that is an absolute win and definitely not a given

the fic author is a human being that just so might wanna engage in hobbies and relationships (platonic and/or romantic), which takes time

you should keep in mind that it takes a lot of fucking brainpower to have an idea, like the idea, decide to write the idea, find the time to write the idea, find the inspiration to continue said idea, ACTUALLY FUCKING WRITE THE IDEA, and find it in yourself to publish it

you are entitled to nothing. actually, since I'm a nice, empathetic person, I'll ammend that. the only thing you might be entitled to is an edit at the tags saying 'fyi next chapter is gonna take a while'. you deserve no explanation. I deserve no explanation. if the author comes back after years to update I will go to the comments and tell them how surprised and happy I am and then talk about the fic. be a bit more like that please

if you don't like the updating frequency, consider DOING IT YOUR FUCKING SELF (and talking about it with the fic author if you got inspired by said fic, and definitely giving credit).

if you don't like the updating frequency, consider NOT READING OR COMMENTING ON THE FIC or just maybe READING A DIFFERENT FIC (don't like don't read is always in effect babes, this is fanfiction, if i started saying shit under every fic with a premise that made me grimace I'd have made so many people and myself so upset)

this is not one of those cases where you can make it other people's problem. the author has every right to take as much time as they fucking want. I don't see you writing this exact fic in their exact circumstances, so kindly shut up

okay, for real, though. you can't know. the author could be going through anything, including but not limited to childbirth, divorce, grief, mental health issues, physical health issues, schoolwork (not everyone is an academic genius samantha, let people take their time), friendship/romance drama. they could also, fyi, just wanna take a break. nothing wrong with that. it's actually the recommended course of action to avoid burnout in case you hadn't heard. literally who do you think you are to take an issue with that? their fucking publisher? do you have a deadline to meet harold? is your pay based on this? what was that? no? okay cool then shut it.

how fucking dare you complain about how fast a literal human being with an entire life outside of fanfiction can write literally so many words about something new.

btw this is what inspired all of this

one of my favorite fics updated after... well three months maybe? and I spot this in the comment section as I go to drop my own comment. literally how dare you. do you understand how discouraging and infuriating it is to see some random person say this about your brainchild?? im glad you're liking the fic berryl but if you have an issue with the time between updates, keep it to yourself, read another fic, or write your own fic.

#ao3 #ao3 etiquette #fanfiction #fanfic #fic #fan fiction #fic etiquette #fandom #deelay words #(i have a lot of those on this subject as you can see) #rant post #ranting #long post

[never-ending-fanfic]

I'm in the middle of a twenty-show-weekend and I don't have any brainpower left to choose anything, so you wanna just tell me all the questions for The Fall Of Fulcrum?

Oh God, you're serious.

ABSOLUTELY!

1. Of the fics you've written, which is your favourite and why?

Since we're talking about The Fall of Fulcrum... No but seriously, it is. It'll always have a special place in my heart ♥️

2. Which scene was your favourite to write?

It's a hard tie between the rescue, the panic attack and the hand holding scene, I loved writing these so much!

3. Which part of it was the hardest to write?

So far I think the therapy sessions. I really enjoy adding them in, but because I study psychology, I have that impulse to make everything as accurate as possible and it's difficult to enjoy writing it (nevertheless I love these scenes)

4. If you could change anything in it, what would it be?

I would add a few filler scenes before the rescue and maybe during medbay stay, but overall I think I like the outcome so far

5. Did you make an outline for it? Did you stick to it?

I did only for the first 3 chapters and I stuck to it enough. The rest I write as I go, which sometimes kicks me in the ass

6. Which scenes did you cut and which were added?

I know for a fact I cut out at least one torture scene (I wrote too many) but I might still use it as maybe a flashback or a nightmare in the future 🙃

I also needed to get rid of one deep conversation between Kallus and Zeb but I might find a good time to add it in

I changed a conversation between Zeb and Hera about Kallus not wanting to stay with them and- in the fic he's having that talk with Ezra. Same for Kanera being parents and discovering the kids have the transmissions- Hera was originally the one who got up at night and joined Sabine in the common room, not Kanan.

As for the added scenes, I can assure you I did not in fact intend to have Kallus and Zeb irritated before the hand holding in chapter 12 (as in Kal was irritated at therapy and everything because trauma and Zeb at being helpless). I also come up with scenes with Kanan on the spot. I didn't plan the stuffed tooka, but I don't regret writing it ♥️

7. Who was your favourite character to write in it?

Kallus is a treat to write as always, but I absolutely love writing Zeb, Hera and Chopper. I also very much enjoyed the scenes with my OCs (so far we have Oasay, D'alier, Faddis & ✨the boys✨), I love coming up with characters

8. Which came first, the title or the fic?

Definitely the fic. In fact it didn't have the title until the day I decided to overcome my huge fear and publish the first chapter, because AO3 wouldn't let me do that wuthout naming the fic (ridiculous)

9. Which idea came to you first?

Definitely the rescue. To be honest I wrote the entire pre-rescue part just to reach it. I also straight up knew I wanted to include a major panic attack scene and one that is yet to come

10. What are some facts readers might not know about?

Oh buckle up

I like, totally forgot to add Rex into the story at the beginning, that's why he only shows up when they go to rescue Kallus (and it's thanks to @probablynot-john that he's actually in the fic at all 💕)

similarly to the above, Pryce was gonna be one of Kallus' captors responsible for his torture, she was even in the tags, but then I totally forgot to add her in (a bit because she's a bitch and I can't write her)

I explicitly changed my plans of sleeping late, to go to an extra lecture on Values and Growth after Trauma I found out about like 2 hours before it started, because it sounded like it would help me write Kallus' trauma (and it does, so be thankful)

I planned to write a scene of burning the Fulcrum symbol onto Kallus' back but I didn't believe in myself enough to do it (I thought it would be a little too graphic) but I might change my mind someday, because that plot will have a comeback

I originally planned to make Kallus not talk after the rescue, but it was too difficult to add to the plot, so I dropped the idea

the reaction to hearing the word 'Fulcrum' is actually a real thing and I believe it's connected to classical conditioning- Thrawn always used that name right before torturing Kallus, so now Kallus associates that name with pain

it'll be mentioned and explained in the future so heads up: ‼️spoilers‼️ but one of Kallus' coping mechanisms during torture was dissociation- it activates when someone withstands situations too heavy for their mind and body to handle and also can cause partial amnesia- that's why Kallus doesn't remember getting rescued (Kanan and Rex called it 'catatonia' in the fic, the actual name is dissociation but again, my guys are not psychologists so forgive them. However Ninna Faddis will use that name sometime in the future I think)

Thank you so much for asking! I had a blast responding! ♥️♥️♥️

#star wars rebels #star wars #alexsandr kallus #kallus #agent kallus #alex kallus #zeb orrelios #garazeb orrelios #hera syndulla #kanan jarrus #ezra bridger #sabine #captain rex #chopper #thrawn #my ocs my beloved #the fall of fulcrum

[andtheirmoonlight]

The new ‘strategy’ is depressing, but I’d have accepted it for lack of anything better — if only the new desktop version wasn't there. The new desktop interface is unusable and anxiety-inducing, and I don’t think we’re getting the old one back. I’d be happy to be wrong about it, but.

For now, I open tumblr and I want to leave right away. It’s unusable for a multitude of reasons. It looks like twitter. So the question is ... is there anywhere left to go? To go, as in, one’s populated social media of choice. People from twitter and reddit did a go to here. Tumblr was the last. Everything else had already succumbed to capitalism and The Algorithm, but even if I looked past The Algorithm for a second; facebook sucks, and the Parents are there and they’re eldritch; I avoid instagram like the plague, among other things I prefer to eat my food asap and I don’t want to share any pictures publicly; twitter is nothing but pointless hatred, one can’t be social there without suicidal thoughts creeping up in minutes; mastodon is a wasteland etc etc. Where do I go where it’s okay, where there’s a lot of people, where I don’t need to show my real face or real name, where an app is not a must, where the things that people share are in chronological order, where there’s no pressure and no clout-chaser-induced crap..?

Popularity is conformity, and I thought that tumblr existed specifically for people who aren’t interested in conforming, yet now there’s this ‘update’ that directly states: psych, lol!

You might say, go be social on discord, but I’m fandomless. I’m fandomless, but I do want to see what my mutuals are obsessing over and be like ‘wohoo! good for you!’ on occasion. I want to have mutuals, so to speak. I want to have the means to find more mutuals. I want to be social. With people who live on the other side of the world, and I can check how they’re doing and how their various niche interests are doing. And I want to be able to poke random strangers with reblogs and ask ‘r u fren?’. I want to post my sad little jokes too. I want to be able to curate my own experiences. I also want to have something to just scroll and read and poke hearts on, yes — when I have no energy and brainpower to read books (although I read at every opportunity). But uuh, do you read books in doctors’ waiting rooms or under IVs? I doubt it. I bet you, too, read through odd tags of odd things. So where do I go?

If your answer is ‘outside lol’ — joke’s on you, I go there every day, and not even/only for vexing things, but just on walks and for game nights and date nights and falafel. We go on aimless walks every day. Atm we live in a very walkable country with a lot of nice touchable grass, and that’s not what I mean. Yes, I get that it’s healthy and all, but I am not exactly a healthy or particularly outgoing person, and outside is definitely not somewhere I can go to poke random people who are happy about being poked, or to potentially befriend someone from the other side of the world— and I want to. So where do I go?

I’m pretty sure that it’s a rhetorical question, and that the only place left for me to go is gooseberry grove (which is code for ‘my head’).

The internet has gotten so lonely.

#we're going to go where everybody knows everybody #tumblr desktop #tumblr update #immigration adjacent #tumblr problems #tumblr changes #atmposts

[atheliasnotebook]

Congratulations on one year!!! 😊 Can I pls request Childe no. 25 (playing video games with him), Thank you!!!

game night

childe "ajax" x gn reader fluff

tags: fluffy

author's note: i actually tried to use a lot more brainpower than normal to try something new -- thanks anon <3

“hmm? you want to play a game of mario kart?” ajax would ask with a sly grin, cocking an eyebrow as he flashed you as a smile. “sure! just don’t expect me to go down without a fight!”

and immediately, falling into his trap and feeding into his addiction to adrenaline, said: “loser has to cook dinner tonight.”

he’d laugh, raising his fist as though he would have been spinning a blade in his hands. “bring it on!”

are you good at mario kart? ✦ yes! ✦ no...

✧ you answered: yes!

pressing your middle finger firmly on the top switch nestled behind the very peak of the controller, you drift and watch as magenta-purple streaks of spark fly to commemorate your speeding victory past the line on yoshi valley.

"oh come on—i was blue-shelled! let's go for one more!" the ginger furrows his eyebrows, determined to win. you shrug. yeah, you'll humor him, and you know you're just going to win again.

"out of five, then," you chuckle, looking at your determined boyfriend's focused countenance.

...

"how are you so good?!" ajax exclaims, placing down the controller and rolling over to take you into his arms as soon as he crosses the finish line.

"practice, i guess," you reply, giggling as the man peppers kisses all over your face and down your neck.

"well..." he pulls away, pretending to pout. "jokes on you, I lost intentionally just so I could cook dinner for you!" he remarks, teasing you with a wink while he sticks the tip of his tongue out. nonetheless, clinging to him, you insist that you help—after all, no matter how much you win at Mario Kart... it doesn't change the fact that you want to feel the way that he wraps his arms around you from behind while you're stirring the pot.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

✧ you answered: no...

you finish last place. or close to it. it doesn't matter, you're not in the top five—so royally: you think you suck. god, how does the 11th chairman of Fatui Enterprises do it? but ajax ruffles his fingers through your hair and kisses you on the forehead.

"don't be so hard on yourself! here, let's go another round—this time, i'll teach you how to play."

...

it's improvement. 12th to 8th—that's pretty good. although... you could argue that you got lucky with that bullet bill.

you just put down the controller and curl up, just a little upset. you thought pressing buttons and selecting karts and wheels and gliders that looked cool would work out, and just selecting whatever character. but... the moment you saw ajax's side pull up a drop down menu of stats, and watching as his eyes glazed over how the stats changed (and how he maxed out his traction while using toad), you knew that you were... in fact: donezo.

"awh, don't be upset... look, it's just a game. and when it comes to actual racing, you're pretty good with remote control cars! racing games aren't for everyone..." he says, placing the controllers on the edge of the bed before falling back, beckoning you to nestle up in his arms against his navy short-sleeve.

still sulking (just a bit), you embrace the warmth of the champion, slowly mustering a smile as you hear him chuckle and giggle at your gentle and ticklish touch. it's his way of asking for your forgiveness—blatant by the way he tangles his legs with yours when he cuddles with you.

"i'll cook dinner with you when you feel like getting up. i hope that you do get up—because I've been dying to try and learn the secrets to how you make your stews taste so good~"

interested in my 1 year anniversary event? head to the event landing page to learn more and feel free to request! interested in reading another part of this piece? request it!

#childe x reader #ajax x reader #genshin childe #genshin x gn reader #genshin x reader #genshin fluff #genshin impact fluff

[a-certain-romance]

Lmao does anyone else brainrot over team dynamics? Ik this is an xreader blog but sometimes I look at my genshin party (Beidou, Bennett, Ningguang & Shenhe) and think ‘damn this has enough potential to write a fic for’ like,

- Bennett constantly apologizing for his bad luck and Beidou always reassuring him because she knows how he feels since she was labeled as being bad luck charm in her past

- Ningguang introducing Shenhe to more modern items and customs from all over Liyue. Being up in the mountains for so long she’d probably get curious about the world around her, to which then Ning would talk about customs from other nations and Beidou would overhear and talk about her travels to them

- Shenhe would be introduced to Beidou’s crew and at first she’d be overwhelmed with the amount of people present but their friendliness makes her feel more at ease. Latest lantern rite has me thinking that some members of the crew would teach her sea shanties when Beidou’s not around

- Shenhe sees Bennett as another nephew

- Benny thinks Ningguang’s job is really cool & he really admires her. (Against the better wishes of her secretaries) she’d invite him to occasionally tag along with her to meetings & events. Doesn’t really believe in his so-called bad luck, and if anything were to happen she’d dismiss the superstition and pay to fix it

- (As a Beiguang/Beigguang shipper) the more time they spend together the more fondness they have for one another. They open up more and are a lot more vulnerable later on. When they’re in a fight against enemies they can count on one another to have their back yet will still have the ability to tease one another. If one of them gets hurt they’ll scold the other but they both know it comes from a place of love

- Shenhe is protective of everyone to a degree

- Anyone so much as raises a voice against Bennett Shenhe has her polarm out, Beidou will need to be held back and Ningguang would use her status against them

- haha

- The entirety of my 2nd spiral party is another story but open-world wise, depending on circumstance, Yae Miko & Raiden will get switched into my current party and that can probably bring about so many more dynamics

- I could probably think of more but I’m tired & I don’t have the brainpower rn to think of any more

Honestly I’d learn how to draw just so I can draw some of these scenarios…but I can’t draw so writing it might be.

#genshin impact #beidou #ningguang #bennett #shenhe #yae miko #raiden shogun #ei #🤡

[braxiatel]

I always get so excited whenever you reblog one of my posts you always leave such nice comments😭❤️

Just wanted to say that I rlly appreciate it, and that whenever I see you in my notifications I audibly say „Yess Brax yessss..“ like Dr Doofenschmirtz with the voice and everything

ANYWAYS

youre awsome and I appreciate you very much❤️❤️ all the love in the world to you❤️

Bongus 🥹🥹🥹 thank you so much!

When I see a piece of fanart I really like, to the point that I know it will leave a lasting impression on me, I always try my best to tell the artist/writer/creator not just that I like their work, but why I like it as well. As an artist and a writer myself, I know that the comments that stick the most with me are the ones that mention specifics, so I always try to do so myself when I love a piece of art! I think that if we want our fandom to be a community, we shouldn’t take the hard work artists of all kinds put into their crafts.

(Also on the note, if anyone ever sees me like their art/fic/etc and not reblog please know it’s because i use my likes to save posts I want to come back to when I have the brainpower to articulate just how excited I am about them!)

It honestly makes me so happy whenever you mention that you’ve noticed my tags <3 my whole goal here is to recognise the artists whose works I enjoy, so knowing that it’s working always makes me feel extra happy when I have the time to leave specific compliments in your work!!

Your art style is just such a delight to me. It has a whimsical feel to it that always brings a smile to my face, and I honestly wish I knew more about art history so that I could compare it analyse your works with that in mind.

Your characters are all so distinctive, your understanding of what shapes to use and exaggerate is absolutely phenomenal, and also yours is probably the only skinny mumbo design I really truly enjoy and wish to see more of (sorry skinny mumbo enjoyers I love you but to me he will always be a bear)

#thank you so much <3 I hope you know that this has made a huge positive impact on my day #also hope you feel better soon! #wishing ​much rest much tea and much redscape upon you in these trying times #ask #blitheringbongus #the void collection

[covenofthearticulate]

Tagged by @desertfangs and @hekateinhell to talk about fic/art concepts that are on my mind but haven't officially made it to the wip stage yet! 

I’ve always wanted to write something where Lestat and Louis just get to wrestle LMAO I think about that Bayou Mud Wresting scene in iwtv a lot like asdfghjsjbng not only is that lowkey super hot, but idk I just think Lestat’s love language is so heavily rooted in physical affection, I’d love to do a study where I get to write about him getting so overwhelmed with affection he just has to tackle Louis to the ground. I want the boys to be boys!!!!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately of what a follow up would look like to this drabble I wrote a while back, discussing Louis and Lestat’s sexuality. I do think Louis is genuinely kinda fascinated with Lestat’s bisexuality, so I always wonder how he would react if Lestat ever did get around to staging a “demonstration.” It’s not his particular cup of tea, but I want Louis to get turned on watching Lestat get turned on from eating out Bianca (or someone else, but tbh I think Bianca would be the most fun, and the most game for it). 

I wasn’t joking when I said I wanted a low-stakes fluff piece about Armand at the aquarium okay. He needs the enrichment. I want him to look at weird ugly fish and infodump to his boyfriend.

Okay, so. Even though I KNOW trinity gate and auvergne are where most of the vamps spend their time post-canon, when I imagine loustat in my head, even contemporary, 2023 loustat, I can’t see them anywhere else but New Orleans. I want to write about them settling back in NOLA for good one day. I’ve had this one scene tableau stuck in my head for a long time, about Louis living with Lestat in court and just getting so incredibly anxious and depressed and Lestat catches him crying one night and Louis confesses that he just wants to go home. Their Rue Royale apartment has been through so many eras, idk I’m always so interested in people’s relationships to the concept of home, and especially how Louis and Lestat feel about the way they share this space with so much baggage

To end on a lighter note, I also want to write a full-length smut fic around Louis and Lestat having an intellectual debate while also having sex LOL i don’t have the brainpower for it these days (Louis is so much smarter than me lmfao rip) but I mean. Louis and Lestat’s petty quarrels are some of my favorite things to write. they are so ridiculous

I think I’m late to the game on this one so most folks are already tagged but please if you want to participate, go ahead and consider yourself tagged!!! <3

#tagging game #my writing #thanks for the tags y'all!!! <3 #this fandom is so fucking TALENTED i can't