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secretlynestaarcheron · 3 years

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ANGSTMAS DAY TWO

Nessian AU // “I fucking love you” “hang up, and tell me this when you’re sober”

word count: 1753

TW: mild swearing

Nesta pulls her books to her chest as she leans against the lockers, her eyes scanning the crowded hall until they land on their target. Cassian Valeris. He was across the hall from him, pulling books out of his own locker as two of his teammates joke loudly around him.

“What are you looking at?” Mor asks, turning to face the same direction as Nesta, as her eyes land on Cassian she scoffs and turns back to her locket. “Seriously, you're still on this? You’ve had a crush on him for way too long, it's time to throw in the towel.”

Nesta turns to face Mor, leaning her head against the locker as she watches her friend intently. “Maybe you’re right,” she mumbles, but Mor wasn’t right. At the beginning of the term Cassian and Nesta had been paired together for a lab assignment. They would meet together in the library to work on the project and the meetings just continued after the project was submitted.

Mor turns to give her a pointed look. “He doesn’t even look your way,” Mor retorts. Nesta smiles sheepishly, hiding it behind her books, she wonders what Mor would say if she saw how Cassian looked at her hidden in the shelves of the library. How he looked at her before they kissed. “What about Tomas?”

Nesta’s eyes moved to the other side of the hall where Tomas was talking to a friend, he would look over at her occasionally. Nesta rolls her eyes. “No thank you,” she replies. “Tomas is a creep. He flirts with freshmen.”

“I am just trying to get you to live a little. You graduate in two months and you haven’t even had a boyfriend yet,” Mor replies, closing her locker with a loud snap. “I want you to head to college with some experience.”

Nesta shoves Mor lightly as the bell rings. “I have a free period, see you at lunch?” Nesta asks.

Mor waves her hand. “I’ll have three more candidates by then!” she yells as she moves up the stairs.

Nesta pulls on the strings of her hoodie as she makes her way to the back of the library, she sits down at the table dropping her backpack on the seat beside her as she pulls out her phone and mindlessly scrolls through instagram. She couldn’t help but think about what Mor was saying earlier.

She liked Cassian and he seemed to like her, but why hadn’t he asked to take this a step forward? He started texting her more, he would leave notes in her backpack for her to find, and they would sit together every free period. They were basically dating.

She feels his large arms snake around her waist as he leans over to kiss her cheek. She pulls away from him to turn towards him. “What’s wrong?” he asks, his eyes questioning as he pulls away from her enough to look at her face clearly.

She shrugs, setting her phone on the table. “I’ve just been thinking,” she replies. He moves to the other side of the table and sits down across from her, looking at her expectantly. “What is this?” she moves her hands around.

He looks around before looking back at her and giving her a small smile. “This is a library,” he retorts sarcastically. She gives him a look and he chuckles. “You mean, like what’s you and me?” she nods. He stops for a minute, fiddling with the straps of his backpack. “Is this not enough for you?”

Nesta pauses, “Hiding in the back of the library is enough for you?” she asks.

He gives her a crooked smile, “Being here with you is enough for me,” he replies reaching over to grab her hand. She looks down at their intertwined fingers and glances back up at him. She pulls her hand back towards him. “We’ve been sitting here every monday, wednesday, and friday for six months. I told you about my mother dying and my biggest insecurities. You call me after practices and tell me about how you’re scared about getting injured and losing your scholarship because that’s the only way you can afford college.”

Nesta pauses and Cassian stares down at the table. She grabs her backpack. “You leave me notes in my backpack that tell me the things you admire about me but you can’t take me out on a date? You can’t hold my hand in the hallways? You can’t even look at me outside of this library,” she snaps. “Why?”

He swallows the lump in his throat and looks up at her. “I-,” he begins and Nesta holds her breath as she waits for what he’s going to say. “I am sorry, Nes.”

She doesn’t bother to ask what he’s apologizing for. He’s sorry that he can’t give her what she wants, a relationship. She knows it’s because of who she is and who he is. The star captain of the football team and the girl who no one will remember at the reunion.

She doesn’t see him for the rest of the day. She doesn’t see that charming smile or those bright eyes until she stumbles upon an instagram post with him. They had won their game tonight, she didn’t even realize they had a game.

She throws her phone under her pillow and walks back over to her desk. She had two months left at this school and then she’s off to an IVY league school where she would find like minded people. She just needed to get out of this town.

She mindlessly flips through her history textbook, scrawling out a few notes every now and then. Her eyes are heavy with sleep. The light on her phone fills the room and she feels the vibration of someone calling her.

She reaches over and grabs it, seeing a pic she snapped of Cassian in the library fill her screen. Her finger hovers over the accept button, she finally pushes and brings the phone to her ear. “Hello?” she asks weakly, biting her thumb nail as she waits for what he is going to say.

“Nesta?” he yells, she can hear music and laughter behind him. “Nesta!” he exclaims again. “I didn’t think you would pick up!”

She frowns when he hears the slurring of his words. She remembers the hurt she felt this morning, he only called her because he was drunk. “How much have you had to drink?” she asks, falling against her bed and staring up at the ceiling.

He laughs a little too loudy. She hadn’t heard him like this before. Maybe he wasn’t the sweet boy that would whisper her kind words to her in between the shelves. “Nesta, come on, don’t be like that,” he retorts.

She cringes. Don’t be like what? “You’re the one drunk calling me, Cassian. What do you want?” she asks, slightly annoyed now.

A door shuts and the music and laughter stops. “I’ve been thinking about our conversation earlier,” he replies, his words slurring together and she rolls on her side waiting to hear what comes next. “I fucking love you Nesta. I’ve never been able to open up as much as I’ve opened up to you.”

She pauses, biting her bottom lip. Her heart fluttered at the words, she had been waiting for this for months. She shakes her head, “Tell me this when you're sober, Cassian. I don’t care for drunk confessions.”

He groans, “Don’t be like the Nesta. We know each other.”

She sits up and runs a hand through her hair. “Do we know each other? I never thought you would be the kind of person that would need to get drunk to tell me how you feel,” she replies.

“Nes, Nesta, Nessie,” he begs. She cringes. “Did you hear what I said? I love you. I don’t want to lose you. You’re the only one I trust at that damn school.”

She plays with her hair as she absorbs his words. “So we can go on dates? Walk through the halls together? I can come to your games and wear your jersey? I can tell the world that I am yours and your mine?” she questions.

There’s a long pause. “I can’t-, you know I can’t, but we can still meet at the library and maybe talk more on the phone,” he says. “I need to be focused on football, I have to be focused on football. You know that.”

She did know that, more than anyone she guessed. He told her worries almost every night. “Then perhaps you should stick with football and not bother about having a secret girlfriend,” she says her voice stern. She could feel the regret burning in her chest. Her heart wanted her to say yes, that even a small piece of him was enough for her but she knew deep down she wouldn’t be happy long term. She wouldn’t be able to tell those girls that fawned all over him to back off. She wouldn’t be able to go to the movies with him or out to dinner.

“Nes, don’t be like that, do you not love me?” he asks.

She rolls her eyes, “This isn’t about if I love you, it’s about if you love me enough to be seen with me in public, I am not about to be your dirty little secret.”

“Haven’t you enjoyed being together?” he asks. She's quiet, she didn enjoy their meetings but she wanted more. She craved more. “Please don’t do this. Nes. I need you. I need us. I can’t do this without you.”

It was the alcohol talking, he didn’t actually care about her, he cared about losing something he had control over. She was his little secret, something that was only his, he didn’t have to share with the team or his foster siblings. She was his. She wasn’t anyones but herself. “You’ve been doing it just fine for three and a half years, you’ll be fine,” she replies and with that she hangs up the phone.

The rest of the night, her phone buzzed every few minutes with apologies from Cassian, but she couldn’t bear to respond. She would be hurt for a while, but she would go to school not as innocent as Mor once thought. She would go to school with a newfound respect for herself and what she deserves.

#angstmas 2020 #nessian #nesta #nesta archeron #nesta x cassian #cassian #nessian au #nesta x cassian au #nesta archeron x cassian #nesta archeron x cassian au #acotar fanficition #acomaf

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dumbkombuchakid · 3 years

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I’m finding more and more that mindfulness and awareness play a massive role in everything. All the growth I’ve undergone has been rooted in cultivating those skills in myself.

Getting curious instead of judgmental, asking questions and being objective, letting go of outcome and expectations. All of these things seem tiny and maybe insignificant on paper; but in practice have made all the difference for me.

This past Thursday, I met with my therapist (as I usually do on Thursdays) and she told me she was proud of me. I am so grateful for that feedback, for her helping to contribute to my awareness of myself. Awareness extends beyond the present moment, it encompasses patterns and trends and habits and intentions and consequences. It informs decisions and aids processing and understanding. Awareness is the key to it all.

She commended me for staying in wise-mind while telling her about a situation that was upsetting me. She noted that though I had the opportunity to allow my emotions to take control, to pull me into a spiral, I made a choice to remain in control. That’s not what I would’ve done a year ago. That might not even be what I would’ve done a few months ago. Her providing that feedback about my new patterns and trends, specifically my ability to abstain from following old, maladaptive patterns and trends, brought that new data into my awareness. It’s very difficult to be cognizant of your own patterns. It requires parallel processing of data about several versions of yourself in different but comparable situations across a timeline. That’s not a skill that comes naturally; that depth of data about each version of ourselves just isn’t stored.

I am proud of myself. I’m proud of my ability to say that I’m proud of myself; proud of my capacity to believe that I’m proud of myself. For the larger majority of my life (I’m talkin 1st 19 years) I refused to allow pride to penetrate my consciousness. I grew up fearing that I’d slip into narcissism and lose who I was, instead developing into some spawn of my father; a figure I’d associated with all things self-centered and antisocial. Any shred of pride or self-esteem was too great a risk; I’d rather be humble and miserable but secure in my pro-social self-appraisal. I vividly remember the day I felt true self worth for the first time. It was in june, a month before I’d turn 20. That day came a few years after another significant (in hindsight) day when I began working with my current therapist. I fear I may accidentally catalog the past several years here for the sake of clarity and continuity, but the main takeaway point is that I’ve undergone immense growth, all a result of my own innervism.

Innervism is a term I’m borrowing from Elizabeth Lesser, the author of the book Cassandra Speaks. It refers to inward awareness and intentional growth. Tuning in to tune up. If not for facing the things about myself that I didn’t want to get true, I’d never have reached a point where I’m able to act with intention and display a self of whom I’m proud.

I’m far from perfect, and I’ve made a personal vow to never stop growing, learning, listening, and adapting. I will never reach my final form; there is always room for growth.

My point in writing right now is to address some of the cognitive behaviors I’ve noticed myself exhibit when in relationships. In the beginning, when things are wonderful and new and affection has a strong presence, I latch on. I start to fantasize about the future and how my life could play out with this other individual by my side, treating me the way they do at the beginning.

This tendency to idealize based on that first impression, that best-behavior scenario, extends into the period when things begin to slip. When the negligence begins, when manipulative tactics begin being employed. When I am expected both to change myself and also to unilaterally accept the other’s lack of change. I am projected to grow into a mould that aligns with their current state, rather than the two of us developing into a new shape, together.

Internally, this is accompanied by a fear of communicating my feelings. A hesitation to go against the grain and a tendency to shrink and abide by these new terms of engagement. I get quiet and small and they become all powerful. I am aware of the red flags and harm and damage and yet I remain docile and strive for perfection in their eyes.

This is how I’ve always done it, it’s how I’ve been conditioned to behave in relationships. I’ve been conditioned to accept that A) there will be a power imbalance and B) it will not favor me.

I no longer accept that. Today I did something that past me would not have done.

A few important things to note about the situation that allowed me to make this development are that:

1. my “picker” is getting pickier. I’ve always fallen into relationships with narcissists in the past, not because I chose them, but because they chose me and I only knew how to go along. This time, in my current relationship, I made a choice as much as they did. The quality of their character actually had a chance to play a role in deciding whether or not the relationship was worth pursuing.

2. I trust them. I trust that they care about me and want this to work. I trust that they want me to be happy and healthy and that they’re willing to grow.

We didn’t talk much today because he had a big day of doing things that I won’t get into, but then tonight when we did finally get to talk, we spent a long time discussing his day in depth and then never shifted to talking about me. Instead, he started multitasking and doing other things and talking and singing to himself. I told him if he wanted to do those things that was fine, but if we were going to be on the phone that I wanted to him to talk to me, to pay me attention. This didn’t actually turn a result, which hurt me.

Eventually, he got tired and said he was going to turn in, and wished me a goodnight. I said goodnight too, without my typical enthusiasm or affection, and he noticed that those were missing. Instead of asking why though, he simply told me to say it like I meant it, since he didn’t believe me. He has a tendency to make jokes when I’d really rather he be serious, and I’ve stopped laughing along and instead stay true to the tone I want to be received. I don’t want to diminish the weight and value my thoughts and feelings deserve. I’ve decided to not accept less than I deserve.

We hung up and I journaled a bit and felt myself getting worked up, and this is where I did a few things I’m proud of.

I called him back. He didn’t answer, so I recorded a snapchat video and told him how certain aspects of our conversation made me feel, and how I had realized that if I didn’t tell him then he’d have no way to know that those things had hurt and upset me.

This was honestly terrifying, and sending it (and not getting an immediate response) made me feel a whole other type of awful.

I decided to set a timer for 15 minutes and meditate. During my meditation, I focused on a few things. I repeatedly reminded myself that I must let go of outcome; remind myself that I spoke only about my feelings and my feelings deserve to be heard. Silencing all the spiraling thoughts about the conversations that could follow was hard, and I noticed the colors in my awareness shift as more potential outcomes forced their way in. I repeated the mantra “I deserve love” to myself and focused hard on not allowing expectations or theories about what could or may happen in. Those things aren’t real, they’re imagined. I forced myself to choose to refrain from processing events until an event actually occurred.

15 minutes passed and I felt a little lighter. Part of me still really just wanted to cry, but then eventually I got a notification. He said he was sorry, that it was more of a mental hiccup than a true representation of how he feels.

I thanked him - intentionally rerouting from a typical path of saying “it’s okay” in response to an apology. I then wished him sweet dreams and told him we’d talk tomorrow, and I meant it.

It was uncomfortable, I’ll admit. It’s never fun to confront something that hurts you, especially when it’s something or someone that you don’t want to lose. During my meditation I had to remind myself that if someone doesn’t value my feelings or have respect for me, then they aren’t the person I should be with. That’s terrifying - holding people to a higher standard. Choosing to not accept less than what I deserve is something almost completely foreign to me and is fucking scary, but it’s also sort of exhilarating. The idea that mutual respect is now a requirement, that my partner needs to give a shit about me and express that through their behavior is something I deserve. I never used to think about myself as deserving anything - at least not anything good. But now? I put so much effort into who I am and how I treat others. I’m a good, kind, caring person. I know that I am because I do it on purpose. I think that qualifies me as deserving someone who treats me the same.

It’s 5am now. My sleep schedule is off kilter in a big way. I’m going to finally stop and allow this day to end. I’ve already made a to-do list for tomorrow and I hope the day brings joy. I appreciate you reading what I have to write; it helps me to do this and I hope it helps you to read.

Goodnight and sweet dreams, remember that you deserve love.

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mythopoeticreality · 4 years

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For the reader asks: What do you wish more authors in your fandom would write about?, - What reader or write do you think most deserves a high five?, and Tell me a headcanon (and who you wish would write it)?

Ohh! Awesome! Just the questions I wanted to answer too! xD Thank you, you wonderful nonnie for sending me these!^^ I umm…I might get a bit long-winded here so bear with me….>.>

What do you wish more authors in your fandom would write about?

Oh dear…you just gave me free reign here to give you my fannish wish-list anon. Do you realize what you’ve done?!

Okay, no but, these are some of the ideas and characters I’ve most wanted to see more explored for such a long time now, so this might get a bit long as I’ve been thinking about some of these things for so long, so…let’s split this up by fandom:

Silmarillon/Tolkien:

More Tinfang please, definately! Probably my most obscure fav here,but he has so much potential? I mean, he’s this haf-fey pied-piper type figure and I just need like…all of the fic of him outwitting orcs and robin-hooding it up across Beleriand just basically ruining Morgoth’s day in his own small ways xD I love the idea of Tinfang being this folklorish figure amongst the elves, and I’d love to see more of that.

On that note: More Middle Earth Fairy Lore in general. Yeah I know most of this stuff is only half-canonical at best and pretty obscure, coming from the Book of Lost Tales, but still, it’s just fun? Again, I love the idea of elvish folklore, especially pre-Valarin folklore and I’d love to see more of it, and incorporating some of these older Lost Tales era ideas is such a great way to do it? Besides, the addition of fairies answers an age old question in Tolkien Fandom:

“…they were born before the world and are older than its oldest, and are not of it, but laugh at it much, for had they not somewhat to do with its making, so that it is for the most part a play for them…”

TELL ME THAT DOESN’T SOUND LIKE TOM BOMBADIL TO YOU!?! Case closed. Tom Bombadil is a Fairy.

Asside from Tinfang and Fairy lore, however, There are a couple of things I’d love to see more of in this fandom as well.

More Amlach would always be a blessing.I don’t really see why he is so often overlooked as a character either. Here’s this guy, he’s like, ‘Okay, I’m maybe not so cool with these Elves dragging us into this war of theirs that I certainly didn’t sign on for’ but then Morgoth comes along, and sends one of his servants to impersonate him while he’s away. Amlach finds out is all ‘What?! You stole my face?! Oh it’s personal, now…” and then goes to find Maedhros and becomes one of his vassals to fight against Morgoth. He has to be one of my favorite Men in the Legendarium, and I can’t help but picture his relationship with Maedhros to be just…so full of snark. He’s not awed by these elves after all, he’s just here because Morgoth’s an asshole. Honestly, I can’t help but feel that if Amlach feels like Maedhros is wrong about something he will speak up about it. And..Maedhros actually appreciates that? Amlach’s honesty, I mean, maybe not the snark all the time xD I just want to see more of that relationship, and it’s development, blossoming into some kind of respect and friendship between the two. Basically Amlach is awesome and I want more of him.

Finally, I’d love to see more Eönwë/Mairon stuff? This is my ship! The whole tragic lovers-to-enemies dynamic that they could have going? Those moments where Sauron came begging to Eönwë at the end of the War of Wrath and things almost, almost looked like things could have been reconciled, where everything stood on a knife-blade and a held breath? YES, I am here for that. And yeah, I’m a sucker for redemption fics, so I’m here for AU’s where Sauron actually did turn around and seek the Valar’s forgiveness as well.

Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell:

*slams fist on table* More JSMN Crossovers! I mean, the King’s Roads literally go everywhere, and I can’t be the only one who sees the potential there! You’ve got all of fiction and reality open to you! For instance:

Send Childermass off on the King’s Roads exploring Faerie and Looking for a way to read Vinculus, and have him stumble on into the DC Universe to run into John Constantine! They can be Snarky Northern Bastards together and deal with Fairies and Demons and Magic!

Have John Uskglass wander into Wizarding New York in 1926 and meet Credence Barebone! Can you imagine what that would be like? The Raven King meeting this orphan kid who grew up in pretty much the exact opposite situation to himself, In a world where magic is kept a secret, and who had to spend his life suppressing this magic he had? What would be going through John’s head in that moment? What would be going through Credence’s? Can the Raven King take Credence under his wing, get himself a new apprentice? He should. That would be really cool.

Oh, or what about Strange and Norrell while they’re trapped in the Pillar of Darkness? Send them to Valinor! Imagine the reactions of the Elves and the Valar at the approach of this huge Tower of Midnight. What New Sorcery of Morgoth’s is this? Is this the arrival of some new evil into their realm, like Ungoliant? Imagine this army of Elven warriors – the very same ones that Durring the War of Wrath fought to take down the source of all evil in Middle Earth – all lining up and preparing for battle…only to discover a pair of fondly squabbling academics

Or you know what? We don’t even need the King’s roads for crossovers! One of the things I’ve been most wanting to see in this fandom is a Sandman/JSMN crossover just…focusing on the relationship between Uskers and Morpheus? Like, I could totally see Oberon’s Favorite Foster Son as having encountered the Lord Shaper over here during his time in Faerie? And just, as a being of Faerie, as a Magician, as a Legend in and of himself, he totally has this connection to Dream? And honestly….why wouldn’t I want to see these two being Melodramatic and Goth and Awesome together? I’d really love to see how they’d interact. (Crossovers involving Daniel would *also* be amazing too of course and I’d really love to see John dealing with the feelings of knowing but not knowing Daniel, of interacting with someone who is at the same time so much older and so much younger than himself. How weird does it have to get to begin to stretch at even the Raven King’s own standards for what is “normal?”)

Other crossovers I’d like to see: John Segundus and Arthur Weasley hanging out because that would be just…the most adorable thing. And Also Henry Lascelles and Lucius Malfoy, because they just kind of deserve one another really xD

Asside from Crossovers I’d really love to read more things focusing on just the general history and world building in JSMN? I want to see like, the effects of magic on things like the Interregnum and the Restoration! I want to see what sort of History Play Shakespere wrote about John Uskglass and How opening night went! (You Know the Raven King showed up,watching from the shadows. You just know it.) I want to see Isaac Newton as a Magician, dammit! (speaking of that last one I got this lovely fic around Christmas Time about that very thing and I am eternally greatful for it, and y’all should go read it)

And honestly, more fics about the Aurate Magicians and John Uskglass would be amazing? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I want an entire series of novels dedicated to the Aurate era of Magic. I want *all* of the medieval politics and drama. How does John Uskglass interact with say…Emperess Matilda or Henry V? How does magic change things and introduce new issues that have to be delt with? Also…the characters of this time period just *fascinate* me. Yeah, John Uskglass, but also Thomas of Dundale? William of Lanchester? Catherine of Winchester? Donata Torrel and Margaret Ford and their troop of women magicians? Thomas Godbless? Walter De Chepe? Lookit. I just need *all* of the stories about the Aurates.

Oh, and one more thing: No 80′s AU JSMN fandom? I am Dissapoint. I need John Uskglass hanging out in Le Phonographique as is only his natural habitat ;P

What reader or writer do you think most deserves a high five?

But there are so many awesome people in both my fandoms? I mean Just going off of the top of my head…

@jordenspuls and @somepallings just seem like all around really cool people and it’s always a delight to see their back-and-forth crossing my dash (even if most of the time I’m too much an awkward nerd to say anything myself) Not only that but they’re also really awesome writers and if you like Johnsquared you should definitely check out both of their work!^^

@ohveda is also super-cool and is also an awesome writer, especially– again – if you like Johnsquared. Also, it always makes me smile when I see a comment on one of my metas, because we’ve always had nice discussion in the past.

Of course I’ve gotta mention @regshoe here, for loving the Raven King as much I do, for always being an awesome person to talk to and for writing such amazing fic as well as comments in my own stories.

And on that same note, theseatheseatheopensea is another amazing writer in JSMN fandom (seriously, the writing is just georgous. Go read that Isaac Newton story.) and always leaves such lovely comments in my fic as well!^^

Finally, @thearrogantemu and @prackspoor have both written some of my favorite Silm fics.

Tell me a headcanon (and who you wish would write it)?

Okay, so for most of my headcanons and ideas I don’t actually have an ideal writer in mind for any of them. I’d just really love to see what would happen if anyone took them up and ran with them.

That said, because I cannot provide any actual writers for these headcanons, I will give three each from each fandom to make up for it 8D

The Silmarillion/Tolkien:

More Fairy Lore from Arda: Before encountering the Valar the elves would often leave out small offerings to appease the fairies and spirits of Middle-Earth. A few berries, a piece of meat from a good hunt, a dish of milk left out on the doorstep. After meeting Oromë and going to Valinor, the offerings became more craft-oriented and were said to be for the Valar, rather than the Fairies. Many – especially amongst the Vanyar – stopped leaving out offerings all together, seeing them as relics of the misunderstandings of the past, too pagan a tradition to continue with. MírielÞerindë, however did continue to leave out small scraps of brightly embroidered fabric as a tribute to Vairë whenever she began a new project. Fëanor continues on in this tradition, leaving a small wire spiral out on his workbench whenever he starts something new – not for the Valar or to keep the Fairies from interfering – but as a tribute to his mother.

Curufin is actually the best rider and horsemen amongst his brothers and taught Celebrimbor to ride

Arien and Sauron were actually really close before Sauron’s eventual betrayal. Being some of the few Fire-spirits who remained on the side of the valar gave them a particular bond, and Mairon was someone for Arien to turn to when the feelings of grief and betrayal that her brothers – The Balrogs – left her with grew to heavy. Well that was untill…

Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell:

Catherine of Winchester actually didn’t start out as a particularly impressive Magician. Actually, if anything, magic was fairly difficult for her at first. Where she was impressive was in her dedication to her craft, and her shear stubbornness in it’s pursuit was what actually impressed the Raven King enough to take her on as a student (this one is actually a fairly new headcanon for me, but there is something about the idea that I find so appealing…)

Thomas of Dundale is actually a huge nerd when it comes to Arthuriana and tales of Chivalry. He was actually kind of having a bit of a fanboy freakout when he first learned Chrétien de Troyes wrote a song about him. xD More seriously though, tales of Knights and Brave Deeds were what he grew up on before being stolen away to Faerie, and during late nights in the Brugh, when neither of them could sleep, Thomas would keep both himself and John entertained with the old stories his nurse used to tell him. Sometimes he even thinks of himself and John as a kind of reversed Arthur and Merlin.

William of Lanchester was actually one of the Raven King’s apprentices in his youth. That first week within John Uskglass’s company was one of the most frustrating experiences in William’s life, and by the end of it he well and truely hated John Uskglass and his particular manner of doing things. It was just so much the opposite to William’s own approach? He swallowed it down and pushed on anyway, because he did want to learn, but he ranted to Thomas (who he got on with brilliantly from the start) a lot about John during those early years of their relationship. Thomas helped him stick it out, Thomas gave him space to vent and honestly? Thomas helped smooth things over between William and John when they clashed the most. “He takes growing used to. But he’ll grow on you, if given a chance.” Thomas would say to him. William would just scoff. “Yes. Like a fungus.” Yet by the end of his apprenticeship, William found himself as one of the Raven King’s most trusted advisers and closest friends – and the thing that surprised William the most? When he realized it, he wasn’t surprised at all.

#Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell #Silmarillion #welp #that ended up longer than I thought xD #in which I talk to people #Anonymous

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slutforemunson · 4 years

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Lotto - Chapter 14 (EXO - Mafia!AU)

A/N: OMG I never realised, that I never posted this chapter on tumblr- I did post it on Wattpad. Wow, I’m an idiot lol.

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Your P.O.V.

I woke up in a brightly lightened room. Then it hit me. I'm part of EXO now... Someone knocked on the door and I sat up in bed. 'Yeah?' I said, sleep still present in my voice since I just woke up. The door opened, and Yixing stood in the door opening, 'Breakfast in 10 minutes, don't be late.' he said with a small smile. 'Okay, I'll be down in a few minutes.' I smiled back, and he left me alone to get changed. I put on some comfy clothes and went downstairs.

When I entered the big dining room, I noticed that everyone was already there. 'Goodmorning, Y/N~' Baekhyun said gleefully. The other guys nodded my way and continued eating and talking.

'Ah, Y/N, can you come with me please?' Suho asked, and Chanyeol's head turned his way. 'Sure.' I followed Suho but not without locking eyes with Chanyeol. He quickly looked down at his breakfast as if nothing had happened.

'I know we hit it off on a rough patch, but now that you're part of EXO you're family, and I'll treat you with respect.' I nodded 'Ah you must want to know how your days will go from now on!' he asked. 'Yeah, I do actually.' a dry chuckle left my mouth.

'Well at first you'll go through a period of training. D.O. and Tao will help you with your required defense training, and Xiumin and Kris will learn you how to fight correctly with weapons such as knives and katanas. Lastly, Chanyeol will teach you how to shoot. Aiming, hitting the bullseye, overcoming your fear of killing people etcetera. Killing people. 'What?! I have to go and kill people?' I said shocked. 'What did you think? Did you think that we were going to have a nice conversation with our enemies?' he said in disbelief. 'You witnessed it yourself. We kill them before they kill us. Get used to this, Y/N, before you end up dead.' he said sternly. 'Now eat your breakfast so you can begin your training.'

I ate my breakfast and brought it back to the kitchen which Xiumin showed me when he found me wandering the halls. I quickly cleaned my plate from its food remainings and went to search for one of the guys. I heard laughter and shouting coming from a room, so I decided to follow the noise.

I entered the source of the noise only to find Baekhyun and Sehun gaming fanatically, acting like some teenagers. 'Guys do you know where I can find Tao or D.O.?' They were pushing each other and pushing buttons on each other's controllers, so focused on the game that they ignored me. 'Guys?' I slightly raised my voice so they could hear me over their game. Baekhyun looked at me and paused the game, 'What?' 'Do you guys know where I can find Tao or D.O.? I have to start my training.' I said. 'Tao is most likely already on his way to Ji Won or The Black Pearl, but D.O. is probably just in his room, which is upstairs the fourth door on the right.' I nodded, 'Thanks.' and before I even left the room, they were back to their childish antics.

Just like Baekhyun said I found D.O. in his room, reading a book in a comfy looking chair. When I entered his room, he looked up from his book and took off his glasses, 'Can I help you?' he seemed a bit confused, 'Oh right the defense lessons right?' I nodded, and he stood up, 'You can talk to me you know, it's not like I'm going to kill you.' he chuckled lightly. Even though he was trying to crack a joke to lighten the mood, he brought me right back to the ringing sound in my ear and the dead person on the ground.

I snapped out of my thoughts for D.O. grabbed me by my arms. A soft gasp left my mouth, 'Are you alright? Sorry, I shouldn't have made that joke, you're shaking. Do you need to sit down?' For someone who has killed people in cold blood, he seemed very caring. 'I'm sorry I was just thinking about...' I trailed off. 'The execution you witnessed.' he said softly. He placed me in the chair, where he was reading earlier, 'Wait here, I'll get you a glass of water.' he said. 'Oh, D.O., you don't have to do that, I'm alright, really.' I said trying to reassure him. 'No, it's fine, I'll be right back.' he left to get me some water, and my gaze wandered his room. It was very neat and organized. Someone knocked on the door, and it surely wasn't D.O. since it is his room. 'Can I come in?' someone asked. I got out of the chair, and my hands were still trembling from earlier.

I turned the doorknob and opened the door. Chanyeol stood in front of me, fiddling with his fingers, unaware that I opened the door. 'What?' I tried to sound cold which he deserved but just by the sight of like some lost puppy made me regret that. 'D.O. said that you had a small panic attack, that he triggered some memories of the execution. I just wanted to know how you were doing.' he avoided my eyes until he had finished his sentence. My heart skipped a beat, but I had to suppress my feelings toward him and stay professional. Even though it's as clear as daylight what my feelings toward him are. 'I'm fine, Chanyeol, thanks.' I wanted to close the door, but he prevented me from doing so by putting his hand against the door. 'Wait, I want to talk to you about yesterday, I-'

D.O. came around the corner and saw Chanyeol, 'Chanyeol, what are you doing? Don't you think you've done enough? Let her breathe and get used to this place for fuck sakes.' D.O. snapped, and Chanyeol lowered his head gloomy. 'Just make sure to come by my room after your training. My room is around the corner and then the third door. Please give me a chance to apologize for my behavior. Don't shut me out please.' he pleaded softly and left.

'What'd he say?' D.O. asked me to sit back before handing me my glass. 'He just wanted to know how I was for he had heard about what happened earlier.' he nodded, 'Well I'll explain some things you should know before we'll begin training.' he started, 'First of all, never lose sight of your enemy and try to predict their next move if you can. Second of all, check for habits or small ticks which show if they're nervous, badly injured, fatigued etcetera. Third and maybe one of the most important things to know, never hesitate to attack if you're in danger. That's it, I can explain the actual fighting part, but it's better if we start training.' he explained and headed to the combat room, 'Follow me.' and so I did. We went downstairs, and at the end of the hallway, there was one big room. It kind of looked like a parking lot for the floor was made of concrete and there were multiple pillars. One part was filled with combat stuff, and a wall filled with weapons, the other part was filled with multiple booths and dummies where we could practice our shooting.

We stood on the mats, 'Show me what you got.' he said and made sure he stood firmly on the ground. 'Like right now?' 'Yeah,' he clapped and signaled me to come at him, 'Come on.' I took a swing at him but before I knew it he swung me over his shoulder and I was on my back with him hovering over me. He stood up and offered me a hand to help me get back on my feet, 'You hesitated.' I frowned, 'No, I didn't' He crossed his arms in front of his chest, 'Yes, you did, you gave it too much thought. If I was your opponent, you would be badly injured or dead. You should never hesitate. Catch them off guard since you do not exactly look like a killer.' he joked. 'Gee thanks.' I said and chuckled.

'Try again.' he said. We trained for a few hours, and he said that I was making progress, but we should continue training tomorrow. 'Eat something before you move on to the next part of your training.' he said and took a big sip from his water bottle which he passed on to me.

After I ate something, I went to look for Kris & Xiumin. Luckily I came across Kris in the hallway. 'Ah, Kris, just the guy I was looking for.' I said and jogged toward him. 'I was told that Xiumin and you will train me in fighting with weapons.' I said. 'Right, wait in the training room, I'll go and get Xiumin.' he said and patted my shoulder before heading to Xiumin.

Once again I entered the huge room where I had trained with D.O. While I was waiting for them to come and train with me I looked at the variation of weapons. I never thought that I would join a gang and here I am, standing in front of all kinds of deathly weapons.

'Ah, Y/N, are you ready for your training?' Kris said as they entered the room. 'As ready as I'll ever be.' Not ready- 'Okay, first of all, I have to explain some stuff. Have you ever needed to defend yourself?' he asked. 'Maybe when you guys kidnapped me' I thought to myself, but I didn't want to piss them off. 'Once when my ex was trying to harass me, but I didn't have weapons.' I said instead of verbally attacking them. 'You literally got abducted.' Xiumin said in disbelief. 'Yeah well I had a defense class once but they never really teach you how to act when it actually happens.' I said irritated. 'That's not really something that can be thought, you should learn how to turn the switch and not be afraid.' Xiumin stated. 'Easier said than be done.' I said. Kris walked toward the wall, 'We'll begin with smaller knives. You'll need to have one on you, all the time in a holster so you can defend yourself when we're under attack.' Kris explained as he grabbed three knives. 'Wait, you guys have been under attack before?' I asked, 'Yeah, of course, you really think that we don't gain enemies in this field of work.' 'No, but I thought that this place would be safe.' 'It is but you have to be prepared for anything.' I nodded. 'Show me what D.O. has thought you. I'll hold a knife against your throat and you'll try to get out of my grip.' He did as he told me and held the knife against my throat. I elbowed him in the face, and when that took him by surprise, I pulled myself out of his grip. 'Not bad but remember out there no one will go easy on you.' Xiumin smiled, 'You just lost from a girl.' he teased Kris. 'No I did not-' 'Yes you did.' 'Did not, I went easy on her. Let's try again and now I'll tighten my hold.'

Kris held the knife at my throat once again, but now he tightened his arm around my waist. It made me a little uncomfortable, but it was for my own good. I needed to learn how to defend myself.

'Come on, show me what you got, princess.' he said and ghosted his lips over my neck. Xiumin cleared his throat, 'We're training, Kris. Keep it in your pants.' My cheeks got a bit red. Kris chuckled and looked at the door, 'I thought that I heard someone come in, hi Chanyeol.' I tensed and looked at him as well. Kris released me, 'Something wrong?' he asked. 'Nothing.' Chanyeol huffed and looked irritated. My mind went straight to his exact words.

'You're mine.'

I stepped away from Kris unconsciously, 'Uuuhm, I think I'm done for today.' I muttered without looking at them, 'Okay, I'll see you tomorrow, alright. You did well today.' Kris smiled, and Xiumin nodded. 'Yeah, we'll see you tomorrow.' I walked to the exit and stopped when I was next to Chanyeol, 'Nothing ha-, nevermind.'

I rushed to my room and closed the door behind me. I let myself fall down on my bed, face first, and groaned. Why did I feel like I had to explain myself? My door opened, 'Haven't you heard of knocking' I snapped at the intruder, but my face softened once I saw that it was Chanyeol. He knocked on my door just to tease me, 'Can I come in?' he chuckled even though I just snapped at him. Great, now I feel bad. I shouldn't feel bad, because of him I'm uncertain of my life. 'You still have to train with me so let's go downstairs.

Wait, I have to train with him? Ah right, Suho did mention it. 'Okay, I'll be right behind you.' I said and got off my bed.

I entered the training room for the third time that day, but now we went to the shooting range. 'Did you ever use a gun before?' he asked and loaded a gun. 'No, never thought that I would need to learn it.' he nodded and unloaded the gun. 'Okay, then I'll lead you through it step by step.'

He got in one of the range booths and made sure that there was ammo inside of the magazine. Chanyeol loaded the gun once again, 'As you can see, we use dummies to practice shooting, and so we can try out new weapons. Occasionally though, we train on people...' I didn't hear whatever he said after that. They train on actual people?! I began to feel sick to the stomach, and my chest tightened.

'Are you okay? You're getting a bit pale.' Chanyeol asked a bit concerned. 'You train on actual people?' I almost shouted. 'Only if we have prisoners, but most of the time we don't kill them. It depends on the person really, but we just injure them badly.

'Now let me show you what I'll teach you. You'll start with a .44 magnum, it's easy to load or unload it and the only thing you have to do is aim and pull the trigger.' Chanyeol said and showed it to me. He hit the bullseye immediately. He turned back to me and chuckled, 'You look impressed.' 'I- you're just very good.' I said. 'That was nothing. It just takes some practice, and then you'll be able to do the same.' he said and gave me the unloaded gun, 'Try it.'

I stood in between the two small walls and loaded the gun, 'Like this right?' I said with questioning eyes. 'Yeah, that's alright. Now try to hit the dummy, and we'll see what we'll do from there.'

The first few times I didn't even hit the dummy until the last try when I finally hit the dummy's stomach. I squealed out of excitement, 'Careful now! You don't want to swing around with a loaded gun.' he said with widened eyes. 'Oh yeah sorry.' I laughed awkwardly. 'You're not bad for a beginner, now I'll show you how to stand your ground when you're shooting and I'll guide your aiming. He stood right behind me and put his hands over my hands like nothing ever happened between us. He probably noticed that I got a bit tense, 'Relax, I'm just showing you how you can hit your target at the first try.' he chuckled. Chanyeol guided my hands, 'Try to stand more confident, you don't want to be swept from your feet during a fight.' I straightened my back and shoulders and took a deep breath. 'Okay, now pull the trigger.'

I could hardly concentrate with him pressed against my back, 'Huh, what now?' I asked dazedly. 'I said, pull the trigger.' he said calmly. I pulled the trigger and bounced a bit back against him because of the shock. The bullet actually hit the dummy closer to the center. 'Good job.' he said, and I could hear in his voice that he was smiling. 'Now, I know that you've been training all day so this is enough for today, you did great by the way.' he smiled at me. 'Thanks.' I smiled. 'Oh don't forget to come by later, I really need to talk to you but for now, just get cleaned up. We'll talk later this evening. I nodded, 'Okay, I'll see you tonight then.'

I went to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. My clothes hit the floor, and I turned on the shower. The warm water relieved me from some tension. Today wasn't a bad day, and I actually began to enjoy myself at some point. Or did I enjoy Chanyeol's presence? He wasn't that snappy today, apart from when he saw Kris clung to me. I actually enjoyed training with him.

I entered my room with the towel wrapped around my wet body and picked out some clothes which I lend from the girls. The girls... I haven't been thinking about them this whole time. My mind has been so occupied with everything.

I was drying my hair when someone knocked on my door, 'Come in.' I said and draped the towel over my bed. The door opened, and Suho entered. 'How did it go today? I've heard from the guys that it went well.' he said and sat down on my desk. 'Yeah, I didn't expect it to go so well, and I actually enjoyed the training, but I'm a bit sore right now.' I chuckled. 'That's normal for someone who has never trained before, but I'm glad to hear that it went well. We'll be having dinner in a few minutes, so I'll see you downstairs.' I nodded, and he went downstairs.

When I entered the dining room, a few of the guys were already seated. 'Y/N, come sit next to me! Baekhyun said excitedly. I went to sit next to him, and the other guys joined us. The food smelled absolutely delicious, 'It smells great, who cooked?' I asked curiously. 'D.O. did.' Xiumin said. 'Than I'm sure it'll taste delicious.'

We ate our dinner, and I helped with the dishes. I looked at the clock and noticed that it was getting later. Maybe I should go to Chanyeol, he must be waiting for me.

I knocked on Chanyeol's door, and he opened the door. He looked so adorable. He was wearing a hoodie, and the hood covered his fluffy hair. Total boyfriend material if you ask me- Dammit Y/N! He has a girlfriend... 'Come in.' he said, and I entered his room. Weird, I had expected a much darker room but instead it was filled with instruments and action figures. 'Didn't expect this?' he chuckled and scratched his head. 'This is better than what I had expected honestly.' I smiled. 'So you wanted to talk.' I said. 'Yeah,' he sat down on his bed with his back against the headboard. He patted the spot next to him, and I slowly sat down next to him. 'I wanted to apologize for my bipolar behavior, I just don't meet a lot of girls that I really like and I know that it's wrong since I have a girlfriend so I won't act upon it. I would hate it though if we can't at least be friends since you're a part of EXO now.' Chanyeol said with a sad smile. 'Of course, Chanyeol, I'm glad that you wanted to talk because lately, I've been conflicted with my feelings as well but I appreciate it that you've explained yourself and I get it. Being friends with you won't be a problem since we have a lot in common.' I said and referred to the instruments and figures. 'You play these instruments?' he gasped excitedly. I nodded, 'I only play the piano but I would love to learn how to play the guitar though.' I said. 'I could teach you.' he smiled. 'My girlfriend hates these action figures, she says that it's something which should belong to a child and don't even get me started on the movies.' he sighed. 'Tsk, she just doesn't have a good taste then.' I said and we laughed. 'But you play the piano right?' he asked excitedly and jumped off his bed, 'Do you want to play with me?' he asked and sat down behind his keyboard. I had no idea that there was a playful side to the cold EXO member. 'Yeah, of course, but I have to warn you I haven't played in a while.' I said and sat beside him. We played the piano for about an hour until someone entered Chanyeols room, 'Chanyeol, it's 1:00 AM, why are you playing right now.' D.O. huffed and rubbed in his eyes. 'Oh hey, Y/N didn't know you were here as well. I giggled at him, his hair was an absolute mess, it looked kinda cute.

'Sorry, Kyungsoo.' Chanyeol chuckled. Wait, Kyungsoo? I looked at Chanyeol in confusion. 'We'll try to keep it down.' Chanyeol said and D.O. left. 'You said Kyungsoo, I thought that his name was D.O.' I stated. 'Oh right, I'll explain that later, but first it might be a good idea to get some sleep since you'll be training tomorrow.' he said and he began to yawn. 'True, I do feel a bit exhausted.' It was nice to hang out with you.' I smiled. 'Yeah it was, so we're good now?' Chanyeol asked. 'Yeah, we are.' I smiled.

I really hope things won't get too complicated between us.

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#exo #lotto #exo!mafia #park chanyeol #blackpink #twice #snsd #girls generation #bts #bigbang #red velvet #exo scenarios #chanyeol series #pcy #park chanyeol scenarios

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teaboot · 5 years

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Hi there! I want to ask you something, but feel completely free to not do so if it makes you uncomfortable ok? It's because my best friend comes from an abusive house, and I just wanted to understand better about this uncomfortable feeling you mentioned in your last post, if it's ok :)

A warning in advance for discussion of abuse.

The experience of being in an abusive situation as a child is different for everyone, and I can only truly speak for myself.

For me, the process of realizing it WAS abusive took the longest time- much longer than it took to realize instinctively that something about it wasn't normal.

From my memories of being a young child, my first sort of awareness that I was being treated unfairly was when I was tasked with chores, and no matter how hard I worked or for how long, somehow it was never *done*. Cleaning my room, my parent would come in, take a look, and tell me, "it's a good start".

That was the first time I was conciousness aware of my parent being unfair. The first time their actions weren't automatically rationalized as 'they're the adult, they're doing the right thing' before I had the chance to actually think about it. That was an important step, and I was about five years old when the concept occurred to me: my best work does not impress them. They expect more. I must try harder.

From there came a greater awareness, but no deeper understanding. They would yell when work wasn't completed, despite not having made it clear what work was expected. A common order was, "if you see something that needs doing, do it". Perhaps an expectation an employers may have of an employee, but in hindsight, not a fair standard to set for a child of six years.

My solution? The first experiment, and the first act of rebellion: Be Perfect, Always, All The Time. It seemed simple. Do everything I could think of to 'be good', to the absolute maximum letter of the law, and if they came to yell anyways, I could ask them why, and they wouldn't have an answer. They would feel foolish, I would be validated as a good child, all would be right in the world.

It turns out that perfection is impossible. Nobody had told me that at the time, do that was a fun discovery. Not only that, but no matter how close I came to it, it still wasn't enough; even while actively focusing my efforts to be the quietest, politest, hardest-working child, nothing was good enough.

Slowly, over a period of years, I came to the conclusion that meeting their expectations was beyond my ability, and that their praise or approval wasn't something I had any real hope of attaining.

Even then, though, they weren't abusive. Not in my eyes, at least. Abuse was something unspeakably horrifying, not something normal and boring and everyday as simply having high expectations, strict rules, a harsh tone, no respect for personal boundaries, regular threats of bodily harm, invasions of privacy...That wasn't abuse. That was Tuesday, 3:30 PM. The concept of 'abuse' was like... Something that happened to other people, like house fires or car accidents or cancer. They were things that I sort of knew existed, in an abstract way, but not things I associated with myself.

I read a lot of books, growing up. Looking back, it was probably escapism. I woke up to read, read on the bus to school, read during class, during recess, after class, on the bus home, at home, before dinner, after dinner, outside, inside, in the bathroom, in bed, under the covers, and while dreaming. When I was punished, sometimes I wasn't allowed to read. Sometimes my books were confiscated. Once they came into my room and pulled everything out of my bookshelf and onto the floor, then left me to clean up the mess. Books and fantasy were my life more than my life was my life. Later, as I started writing, I'd lose that, too. Stories were the best things in the world, and they became an odd sort of arms race.

It was while reading that I learned the most important things I know and where I adopted my favourite parts of myself- An awareness of others. A respect for strength and perseverance. A resolve to withstand pain and hardship. Self-sacrifice. Kindness. Maturity. Determination.

Books were where I looked to find people I admired, and where I learned to recognize the behaviors of a villain.

Interestingly enough, the characters I wanted to be like and the characters that turned out to be evil did not coincide. At all. In fact, the person I looked up to who acted most like the villains did lived in my house.

So, something was obviously wrong. As the internet came within reach, I had access to stories my library didn't have: fictionpress.net and fanfictiction.net; stories written by people my age for people my age. And a lot of stories discussed things like depression, child abuse, suicidal ideation, self-harm, isolation, etcetera.

Which blew my goddamn mind, because holy shit. Holy shit, that's me. Why is it tagged 'abuse'? That happened to me. Am I being abused? I don't have it THAT bad. Maybe I'm blowing things out of proportion.

Better look up the dictionary definition of 'abusive behavior' just in case. And 'clinical depression', because geez that seems familiar.

Cue two to four years of on-again-off-again obsessive research into long and short term effects of emotional, psychological, and physical abuse, as well as how to recognize abusive and manipulative behavior in others.

This all led to a very quiet, nagging, persistant realization: Holy shit, am I being abused?

Yes. Yes I was. My parents refused to acknowledge that anything was outside the ordinary, but I became aware of it. Threats. Gaslighting. Holding friends, family, and pets hostage as a tool of control. The physical isolation. The unreasonable standards. The hair-pulling, slapping, grabbing, humiliation, name-calling. Not just me deserving something terrible, but actions I didn't deserve that never should have happened.

And then one day, I went camping.

And somewhere nearby, I heard a father and his daughter arrive in their car to their own campsite, right next door.

And I hear him tell her, "Wow, we made it! Let's have a hug for the trip!"

Nonsense. Long drives happen. Why does that deserve a hug? Sappy and ridiculous.

Then the kid starts running around and screaming. Obviously shitting themselves with excitement. Being a nuisance. Disturbing the quiet. Running ruckshot, not helping the father set up camp at all.

And instead of telling her to shut up and be more considerate, or giving her a job to keep her busy, or hissing something else, he just... Let her. And it was annoying. Irritating. An aggravation that got under my skin like nothing else, because I never would have gotten away with that kind of behavior.

Hell, I never would have considered acting like that at her age. What was she, seven or so? Eight? I knew better at her age. That sort of shreiking and horseplay would have gotten me slapped, and I would have deserved it for being such an obnoxious, ignorant little puke.

Then I realized I wasn't breathing.

I wasn't moving.

I was sitting perfectly still, in a tent, in the middle of the woods, all alone, waiting to jump in.

Waiting to run out into the next camp and intervene.

Because soon enough he was going to get sick of playing the fun dad, and he was going to start screaming, and then he was going to hit her, and I'd have to stop him and make sure she was safe, because she was just a small little kid who was happy to be there and he was a grown ass man who knew better and if he so much as stepped harshly in her direction then I was going to tear his lungs out through his fucking throat, because she doesn't deserve that.

Because she's just being a kid.

Because I was just a kid.

So why did it happen to me?

I spent the rest of my time there hiding in my tent, one part too scared of my own shadow to come out and maybe actually see these people or God forbid talk to them and have to act like I wasn't losing my mind being within a thousand miles of them and an equal part ready to sprint out at a moment's notice if things got ugly the way I was used to.

And through the tarp I heard laughing, and jokes, and the father mentioning a mom coming to visit who apparently shared custody and still stayed friends, and a few more requests for a hug, and the girl put up some arguments over bedtime here and there but not even once did the father even raise his voice.

The screaming never came.

On Sunday morning, they packed up and left, and I never even saw their faces.

It's been a few years since then. I started therapy. Started keeping a journal. Work on cognitive behavioral homework so I can recognize when I'm being a bad parent to myself, so I can be kinder and more aware of my thoughts and actions. It's helped a lot. I still remember things sometimes that bother me, but they don't affect me the way they used to, and I'm not the scared and angry person I used to be.

So, yeah. Seeing something normal and healthy when you're not expecting it can be a bit of a jolt, and it can be a bit extra distressing if you're alone and unprepared.

Sorry for the long post. Hope it helps

#Abuse #trauma #child abuse #teaboot #teaboot stories

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83gigsof90semocore-blog · 5 years

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Bonus post: Everybody Hurts - Review

So the letter D is going along nicely, but before that I'm going to do something quite different, namely a book review.

My hope is that my pseudo-academic academic style will be complemented nicely by exploring what other people have written on the genre. I hope to do more of these eventually, but probably not at a too steady rate because I can be rather lazy when it comes to reading.

Everybody hurts is a book published in 2007 that was written by Leslie Simon, who at the time worked as an editor for Alternative Press and Trevor Kelly who worked as a staff writer, also for Alternative Press. The book is actually quite different from my blog in many respects. Aside from the obvious ones, it isn't specifically focused on 90's emo but instead on what in 2007 was considered contemporary emo. Also unlike my blog it's focused on emo culture (the cover says "an essential guide to emo culture") as opposed to just music.

Some background: The 4th wave, Real Emo and the death of Scene culture

Part of what makes this book interesting to me is that it's very much a product of its time. The story that it tells about the music and community surrounding it is incredibly different than what would have been told in the 90's and even more so today.

So, first some basics: Emo is a very broad term that at many points have meant different things. One popular way to categorize it is by splitting it into 4 (or 5) waves. We have the first wave which refers to the offshoot of hardcore-punk that is the origin of the genre. The second wave is much more influenced by indie, alt-rock and pop. It's much less overtly punky, depending on where you draw the line between first and second wave. The third wave (which corresponds to the time period when this book was written) consists to a large degree of pop-punk and poppy post-hardcore. This is the period of time in which emo music was the most commercially successful and emo culture was properly cemented in the public conciousness. Finally, we have the fourth wave also known as the "emo revival". Now, this is where things get interesting.

As the name implies, emo revival was a movement concerned with bringing back emo to an earlier stage, namely the second wave. As such, many people associated with the revival where to some degree self-concious about the way "their" genre was misinterpreted as being about something else, namely third wave emo. Emo culture at the time was often mocked and the more commercial emo music wasn't looked upon favourably in underground circles. Fourth wave wasn't just a re-embrace of the values of the second wave but a rejection of the third wave.

I should also mention that this isn't nearly as true as it used to be now that enough time has passed for people to be nostalgic sooner than derisive, although it's an assumption that is very much woven into contemporary emo culture.

The history of emo as told from a fourth wave perspective would generally look on the third wave as an embarrassing parenthesis that we'd be better of forgetting. Some people have even gone as far as referring to the bulk of the third wave as "fake emo", being emo in name only while failing to embrace the core values of the genre sufficiently to be considered part of it.

So, this is where this book comes in. Being written in 2007, instead of viewing third wave emo as a heretical misstep, it's treated as the logical conclusion of the genre.

Emo as an identity

Another contrast with modern-day emo culture is it's treatment of emo as almost more of an identity than a music genre. This is also very typical of the time period. I'm born in the mid 90's, and my first exposure to the word emo (as I remember it) was when I was perhaps 10 or so and a friend told me about "a group of mentally ill people who dress in black and self harm". Not even a mention of the music! From then on my pre-pubescent self was mostly exposed to Emo as an identity. Sure, they had a special type of music that they listened to, but it wasn't any more integral to their emo-ness than their fashion for example.

Fast forward to today and I would never unironically call myself or anyone else "an emo", and I don't think almost anyone else would either. The understanding of emo that you find by modern fans is of something that might have cultural connotations, but is ultimately a style of music at heart.

While the authors where a lot more familiar with what emo in general than my 10 year old self and also saw music as a more central part of it, it is very informed by the view of Emo as a broader identity and only a small part of the book is actually about music.

My impression

The book starts of with a foreword by Andy Greenwald, author of Nothing feels good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, And Emo, a book that I'm hoping to eventually cover on this blog.

Then we get to the first chapter, titled ideology. For a second I (foolishly) thought that it would be a Žižek-style examination of pop-culture or something, and got very exited. Reading a few words below, we get a faux dictionary definition of the word:

ide•ol•o•gy n a body of ideas and social needs that separates you from your parents, the pep squad, and Dave Matthews Band fans.

Žižek was never this snarky.

After appropriately adjusting my expectations, snark is a constant background noise in the book. It's sometimes funny, sometimes making fun of a target that deserves it, sometimes an excuse to not treat a subject seriously and sometimes something that has aged quite poorly (ableist slurs stand out like a sore thumb, something it generally didn't in 2007).

The book is divided in 9 chapters, discussing everything from emo ideology, emo fashion, emo literature to emo eating habits and oh right, actual emo music. I generally found that the book was quite well researched (although it is an entertainment book, so it's not exactly done with any academic rigor) and that the authors where happy on going in to detail on most of the subjects they brought up. The facts and anecdotes that make up every chapter are accompanied by either helpful advice ("Don't put on a band shirt right after buying it from the merch table, you'll look like an emo novice") or snarky commentary ("Let's say that a guy and his crush watched One Tree Hill a week earlier with a group of seven of their friends. Never mind that there where nine people in the room. In emo terms, this was a date.")

One section of the book is about emo blogs. Just for fun, let's see how my emo blog measures up:

[From the section "how to emo-fy your blog" [...] you're going to want to look over your text and ask yourself a series of questions before hitting the "submit" button and releasing your deepest, most intimate thoughts into the world. Those questions are as follows:

Does this read well?

Am I making my points in a clear and efficient way?

Did I use actual paragraphs?

Did I capitalize all the words that need capitalisation?

Is this what my life is actually like?

Ok, 5. doesn't really apply but for the others it seems like I'm doing fine. So far, so good.

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you should probably scrap your post and start over. Ideally, a good emo blog post should be over dramatic and a bit abstruse. You know the magnets you see on fridges that people sometimes assemble into bizarre phrases? That's what emo posts are supposed to look like

Well, fuck.

Chapter 6: Music - a review

While it can be anywhere from amusing to interesting to read about everything from proper show etiquette to Emo porn sites (yes, seriously), this being a music blog first and foremost I'm gonna give some extra attention to their taste in music.

They have a section titled "Essential Emo Records 101". So what does it consist of and what do I think of it?

Rites of Spring, S/T

Embrace, S/T

Sunny Day Real Estate, Diary

Jawbreaker, Dear You

Lifetime, Hello Bastards

Texas is the Reason, Do You Know Who You Are?

Weezer, Pinkerton

The Promise Ring, Nothing Feels Good

The Get Up Kids, Something To Write Home About

Jimmy Eat World, Clarity

So far, so good. Lifetime is almost never talked about these days, but Hello Bastards is still a solid record. Mineral, American Football and Cap'n Jazz are all absent, although American Football and Cap'n Jazz weren't very popular until a long time after they split, so it's not that strange I suppose. They would be impossible to not include had the list been written today though. All the bands are accompanied by some text. For the first two albums they snarkily remark that they're not so much good as important historically. I believe that this comes from viewing the history of as stepping stones to what it was when this book was written and not with an attempt to see emo as it was at the time which I think is disappointing although not very surprising.

Saves the Day, Through Being Cool

Glassjaw, Everything You Ever Wanted

At the Drive-in, Relationship of Command

Bright Eyes, Fever and Mirrors

Thursday, Full Collapse

Dashboard Confessional, The Places You Have Come To Fear the Most

Taking Back Sunday, Tell All Your Friends

The Used, S/T

The All-American Rejects, S/T

Brand New, Deja Entendu

Coheed and Cambria, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3

Yellowcard, Ocean Avenue

Hawthorne Heights, The Silence in Black and White

My Chemical Romance, Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge

Fall Out Boy, From Under the Cork Tree

Panic! At the Disco, A Fever You Can't Sweat Out

There are a couple of albums that I personally don't really think qualify as emo even from a third wave point of view (although, maybe I'm just too poisoned by 4th wave elitism) namely Fevers and Mirrors, In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3 and A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. I do still think that at least the first two at least are quite good so it's more of a matter of being overly loose with the genre. Although, maybe it's worth interpreting this list as more "music that emo people like" rather than "emo music" in line with the rest of the book. I did honestly think that it would be a bit worse in terms of including "non-emo" music so I'm honestly positively surprised. The authors do in my opinion manage to escape with a good amount of emo cred.

One thing that I'm disappointed in is the complete absence of screamo music, although this is once again more disappointing than surprising really.

Final verdict

One helpful question to ask when reviewing any piece of media is "who is this for?". My impression is that it's mostly for people who are already immersed in Emo culture who are interested in laughing at themselves. It is a very silly subculture in many ways (particularly in 2007) and the authors poke fun of this many times. If you can take it in stride, this book might be a pleasant read. You might also learn some things that you have missed.

For people such as me who are trying to puzzle together what emo culture actually was like at the time I find that the snark gets in the way of actually learning things, and I wish that they had taken a slightly more serious approach. The book could also have done with a lot more interviews.

Ultimately I think this leaves the book with a quite narrow audience in the present day, but that's fine maybe. At the time it came out it was actually commenting on something culturally relevant and might have served as a decent primer to the subculture.

Today however, I think that I can only really recommend it to the unhealthily obsessed (like me) and the nostalgic.

#emo

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theritualofourexistence · 5 years

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The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

1. The title for this blog is straight plagiarism.

2. It doesn’t really connect to the general theme super well.

3. Twitter and Instagram polls picked this topic! Don’t worry, dating app folks, that one’s coming next.

Recently I had this weird, philosophical ah-ha moment when I was thinking about ghosts.

Yep, ghosts.

So, the lore behind how a ghost or a spirit gets left behind is commonly linked to trauma. The idea that if you experience a particularly gruesome death you may be more likely to have your essence trapped on earth is something I’ve come upon a lot. The more I thought about it, the more fear became a significant element in my thinking. Fear is something I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to manage and I believe it’s one of the most powerful forces on Earth.

What if it’s not a tragic death that generates a ghost, but rather, a fearful death?

Whether or not you believe in ghosts, that brain worm got me going down a different sort of path. My faith, which I talk about a little bit in my last post, mainly centers around the concept of a force of light and good that lives through and in and around all living things. I believe that force is, in essence, Love. And the first thing that pointed me towards exploration of this idea is a passage from the Bible in the book of 1 John. There is a section in that chapter about loving one another that states very plainly, across many translations, that God is Love.

I’ve found over the years, that by focusing on this concept, I’ve been able to live what I consider to be a much more “Godly” life. I believe the Christian God wants us to spread love and I believe that’s the thing He/She wants the most.

To sum up as much of my personal, faith-related philosophy as I can, I believe Love is a living force that flows through everything and that we can choose whether we bind ourselves to that cause or whether we stand against it.

That’s a simplification, of course, and if you’d like to wade into specifics, feel free to shoot me a personal message.

Now, back to fear. Fear has always been my Big Bad. When I was a kid, one of the most important lessons my dad tried to teach me was that we have nothing to fear but fear itself. A kid with anxiety can only grasp so much of that, though, and I didn’t really understand or believe that phrase until adulthood. Years of therapy, and adulthood.

So, in my world, love is the Big Good and fear is the Big Bad.

Can you see where I’m going yet?

I have long hated the timeless dichotomy of good and evil.

I hated it well before I knew what I wanted to do with my life, but even more so now.

Nothing is all good and nothing is all evil.

Period.

You won’t change my mind about this.

That’s why I believe the old “good vs. evil” trope is trash. I have never and never expect to encounter something that is purely good or evil. It doesn’t even really work as a spectrum either. Like, sure you could argue that something or someone is “mostly good” or “mostly evil” but that still requires people to give inherently subjective interpretations of how much weight “good” acts and “evil” acts deserve.

What if a person has donated over three billion dollars to charities that have actively helped provide effective treatment to an infamously fatal disease. What if that same person also raped a 12-year-old.

You can make the argument that that person directly led to hundreds, even thousands of saved lives. But that doesn’t erase the fact that he raped a 12-year-old.

I think most people would probably struggle to tell you whether they considered that person “mostly good” or “mostly bad” and I can assure you that that judgment would always boil down to the judger’s personal experiences and opinions.

If you’ve been raped, you would probably find it easier to say that person is “mostly bad.”

If you had a loved one saved by the treatment that man funded, you may find it easier to say he’s “mostly good.”

There you go, “good vs. evil” dichotomy is busted.

Whether or not I’ve stopped to really think about it, the more life I live, the more I think of the world around me through a “Love vs. Fear” dichotomy. It is, now that I am taking the time to think about it, a much better way to evaluate our own actions as well as the actions of others.

A lot of people have hypothesized that fear of The Other sits at the heart of racism and sexism and homophobia. Love, however, can be the difference between acceptance and affirmation.

There is a very acute difference between saying you have nothing against gay people (”I have gay friends!”) and actually loving those people. Loving those people means you are committed to fighting for their rights and safety. At least, that’s what I believe true Love looks like. True Love is action... just as Fear is also often action.

1 John 4:18 says that there is no Fear in Love and that perfect Love drives out Fear.

I believe the only perfect Love is the force of pure love and light that flows through the living world. I believe humans can only try to replicate that and that in the majority of cases, we fail. But I believe our call is to try to live a life of perfect Love because only that will truly eliminate Fear.

I dream of a global community. Of equity and equality. Of Love.

Fear is the root of hate. Fear is the root of war. Fear is the root of violence.

There will always be actions and feelings that require deeper analysis. Anger, for instance. I had a conversation with my friends recently about anger and whether or not it’s a valuable way to spend your energy. I am someone who feels angry pretty often. Other people may not be, and that doesn’t inherently mean that one of us is wrong and one is right.

My anger, however, is almost always flowing from a place of Love. I get the most angry when the people I care about are threatened or hurt. Today, in the United States, a lot of my anger is directed towards our administration and policies that actively wreak havoc in the lives of my poc friends and family and LGBT+ friends and family. I’m not angry because I hate this administration, though, I’m angry because the people I love are being hurt.

Sometimes, though, I get angry for less righteous reasons.

Sometimes I get angry because my plans for my future aren’t exactly going the way I predicted.

That anger comes from Fear. And it’s not healthy anger.

So, really, this post has two intertwining branches.

1. Let’s get rid of Good and Evil and think about Love and Fear instead.

2. If you embrace Love, it should impact all areas of your life, including politics.

That is, at least, why I feel the way I do about political issues.

I believe in committing my life to Love. I believe that’s the only way we can leave the world a better place.

I believe Love has no boundaries or borders and I believe everyone deserves to be treated with Love.

Striving to treat everyone with Love is what motivates me to try and understand everyone I encounter. It motivates me to listen to their stories. It motivates me to respect them.

Striving to treat everyone with Love is why I cannot and will not ever support a death penalty.

Striving to treat everyone with Love is why I believe in and support updating our nation’s gun control laws and immigration policies.

It’s why I am so passionate about criminal justice system and prison reform.

It’s why I have spent so much energy learning to be forgiving.

The thing I didn’t necessarily expect was how much those changes align with Biblical scripture. As I said in my last post, I feel like my choice to move further from the church has allowed me to live a more loving life... which, in many ways, has brought me closer to God.

And the most awesome thing about Love and Fear is that it’s absolutely not tied at all to any specific religion. It translates across all of humanity, making it one of the most inclusive ways of thinking about our thoughts and actions.

So, that’s my call to you today. Spend some time thinking about your life in terms of Love and Fear and see what you come up with.

No one is perfect. I will always make choices and have thoughts and take actions that are rooted in Fear. But if I have the insight to know that and therefore make those choices less, that’s a success story. If I put the work in to think through my motivation and to focus on loving thoughts and actions, I’ll stay on the right path.

“Good” is not “right” and “evil” is not “wrong” because nothing is ever good or evil.

Love, though...

Love feels right.

#good vs evil #good vs bad #fear #love #faith #christianity #scripture #1 john 4 #good #evil #bad #philosophy #personal philosophy #false dichotomies #dichotomy #dichotomies #God is Love #Fear cuts deeper than swords

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distressindisguise · 6 years

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Ranking My Jarchie Fanfiction

I’ve been in the Riverdale fandom for a long time so I’m going to start this off by stating that in the very beginning, the main ships were Beronica and Jarchie. Crazy right? Bughead wasn’t really a thing. Now, there are barely any Jarchie scenes in the show but I still write Jarchie fanfiction on wattpad here.

I love writing reviews and just writing period and after re-reading my fanfiction for the first time in months, I’ve decided to write a brutally honest review. So let’s begin.

5. Meadow Of Flowers

For some reason, this is one of my most popular fics. Though it always seems that way right? The things you write that you’re most proud of never get the recognition you think it deserves, but the things that have been slapped together hastily seem to do very well. A. K. A the fanfiction writer’s curse.

Here are the good things: the idea and the plot started off great. It’s a cute, clear concept. It’s not complex or hard to comprehend. The prep draws flowers on the goths notebook, the goth surprises the prep by drawing more flowers, and the prep tries to get to know him so he creates a tumblr and messages him anonymously. The text messages sent between the two are funny. It’s a good laugh, something to snicker at when you’re bored and have free time. The characters are really interesting. Archie has an infectious attitude and watching Jughead try to deal with it is equally as entertaining.

Here are the bad things. The plot loses itself somewhere in the middle. All of a sudden Jughead has an ex girlfriend that comes back in town and his father is the leader of the Mafia or some while crazy crap like that. There becomes too many irrelevant characters. None of the rest of book actually has to do with the main concept, the meadow of flowers drawn on a piece of paper that brought them together. I really don’t know how that concept got so lost. But even still, it garners up tons of reads. For what reason? Probably because of the text messages. Archie’s dirty pick up lines and Jughead’s insertion of memes are probably the only thing that keeps readers coming back.

The writing also extremely lacks. It’s a dialogue based book. There’s not much substance there. It’s literally all quotes. Definitely not my best work. I’d say it’s my worst. I cringe when people tell me they love it so much.

I haven’t updated the book in months and honestly I don’t think I’ve ever going to. If anything, I’ll delete all of the wild chapters and keep the text messages. This fic is the definition of the cringe side of Wattpad and I promise you my other fics are nothing like this trainwreck.

4. Treehouse

Treehouse is my only ongoing fanfiction. It’s probably going to be my last Jarchie fanfic. I’m not sure if it’s my last fanfic on Wattpad though. I’ll have to see. I’m kind of over the Riverdale fandom and the show if I’m being completely honest.

Jughead and Archie spend a summer in the latter’s treehouse getting to know each other, but once they get back to school the story gets twisted into a lot of dirty rumors. Jughead wants to forget what happened, but Archie wants to further their relationship.

Good things: Characterization. Jughead is fem! In this book. He’s bubbly, innocent, and an all around strong character. He’s an activist, a vegan and a super inspiring person. He’s extremely lovable. It’s easy to support and fall in love with his character. I wrote Jelly Bean, his sister, older in this book. She’s also a dynamic character. She has her own issues as well. The book doesn’t just focus on Jarchie, it focuses on Jelly Bean’s problems, Archie’s problems, Betty’s problems, and my OCs problems individually. Their lives all intertwine and that’s another aspect that makes the book great. The writing is good and the storylines are relatable.

Bad things: Because there are so many storylines, the book drags. I’m often left to wonder what the actual plot is. There’s no climax or end goal. It’s more like a look of the lives into each person, which isn’t a bad thing, but it causes the story to feel slow and sometimes meaningless. There are currently 19 chapters written and published, but it feels as if there’s much less because nothing has been accomplished and nothing has been destroyed yet.

Despite that, I do think it’s an entertaining read and in terms of writing, I think it’s easy to follow and easy to love.

3. Circumlocution

My readers like to call this book Hell.

I am usually a fluffy fic writer. My books do tend to have angst, problems that need to be solved that eventually work out, but this is not one of those books.

Jughead and Archie dated in high school until Archie left one day out of the blue. Jughead never got a call, never got an explanation, but was instead left to deal with his miserable life without one of the people who made it bearable. Archie comes back to Riverdale a year later, finds Jughead at a bar, and offers to take him home on a long, awkward, emotional car ride into the unknown.

Good things: the plot is amazing. There’s very few settings, the most used one being the car, so it’s easy to follow. It’s structured, the chapters flashback to a couple of years ago so the reader can piece together what happened to Jughead while Archie was gone and what happened to Archie after he left. The flashbacks give a glance to both sides of the story as the characters stay clueless to the whole truth until the very end. It’s my shortest, most consist fic, numbering in at 25 chapters and a heartfelt epilogue. The writing was done very well, every emotion is felt. The anxiousness, the tension, the hatred, and the hint of affection they both still had toward each other are displayed well. There are subtle clues dropped to allow the reader to guess what happened, and little details start to make sense at the very end.

Bad things: even with that “glowing review” there are some shortcomings I think. I’m also very picky about my own work by the way, so in reality these fics may not be as bad as I’m making them out to be.

Because there’s very few settings, I think sometimes the setting does get lost. I think the car could be described more. I think the mentions of the road could be used. Maybe I’m fussing, but there’s lots of times where there’s just conversation and the reader assumes that it’s in Archie’s truck because that’s where they last were. Still, I think there should be reminders instead of just still dialogue. For instance, how much moving around can you do in a car? The only other locations are pit stops to get food. The rest of the locations are in the flashbacks, which don’t really play a huge part to the story itself.

I also think that maybe the book is too dark at times. One thing that I hate about wattpad, is the number of dark fanfics written by 12 year olds who romanticize topics like depression and self harm. I didn’t romanticize the topics, but they’re there and I tried to be respectful and treat them with the seriousness that needed to be there. There’s physical abuse, substance abuse, self harm, it’s a lot. It’s why my readers call the book hell, because it’s a lot of emotions at once, especially when you grow so attached to two characters and grow to vouch for their relationship to work out in the end.

My favorite part of the fic is the epilogue because it shows someone reaching out, getting help, and trying to get better. Its the right approach.

My book is also called hell because of the ending... but I’m not going to spoil that for you.

I just think that the mood in the fic could be lighter in some aspects. There needs to be more breaks for happy flashbacks, or more light hearted conversation. Sometimes I feel as if the transitions are too quick. Jughead could go from yelling at Archie to slowly easing up when they reminisce about the past, but I think the shift should be more gradual. Still, in terms of plot/structure/and writing, it’s my best fic. Hands down. So why is it at number 3? Let’s see.

2. Nameless

Maybe this is where my bias steps in.

In reality, this would be tied with my number 1 choice because this is one of my favorites, though I don’t think it’s technically better than circumlocution in terms of plot. This is another book that drags on for longer than it’s supposed to.

Nameless didn’t have a name. He was 17 Years Old. He didn’t talk to anybody but his social worker. He didn’t show emotion. He spent his days reading and coming up with names until one felt right, for the boy had amnesia after a terrible accident that separated him from his parents and his old life. Archie comes around, and soon he learns to stop viewing with the world with indifference and hanging onto the past.

Good things: Characterization yet again. I’m very good at characterization. Although the Riverdale characters are not mine, I’m very good at giving them their own unique personalities to fit my plots and ideas. Nameless is obviously Jughead, but his character is so complex. My favorite thing is watching him grow as a person throughout the book. He seriously learns how to love, how to deal with people, and how to accept himself and what he has. Watching his relationship grow with his adoptive parents and his adoptive siblings is just as amazing as watching his relationship grow with Archie. I think that the writing is done well, though there is some things left unanswered in the end that I ended up explaining in my final author’s note. The plot is consistent as well.

Bad things: Like I mentioned earlier, I do think it drags on. Some scenes are definitely unnecessary and there’s some chapters that can be scraped out. There’s no reason for why there needed to be 60 chapters.

As a fanfic writer though, I think it’s safe to say that most of the time fics are filled with a lot of irrelevant chapters for fluff. They’re fillers, sure, but most people read for the fluffy scenes of a relationship. Chapters like that are also important for live updating a book. Sometimes it’s just easier to throw in a filler to give readers what they want in order to work on plot centered chapters. It’s something I’m conditioned to, but something that isn’t really a pro when writing a real book, which is something I want to do. Maybe I’m giving myself too much crap for this, but eh it’s definitely something that needs fixing.

Another thing that needs work would probably be my tendency to introduce characters and forget about them. One of my original characters, Jay, was a big part in the middle of the book, but then he slowly faded away and wasn’t brought up again until the epilogue.

1. Aberration

Here it is. My first Jarchie fanfic. My pride in joy. Look at the love this fic has been shown? My goodness. 116k. It’s probably my greatest accomplishment. This is my favorite fic and guess what?

It’s total bias.

But let me get into why this is good first. (Jughead being asexual is the best part)

This book is a coming of age story. It’s probably my only fanfic that takes place in the actual Riverdale Universe. All of my other fics are AU’s with the only connection to Riverdale being their names. It starts with Jughead and Archie at 4 years of age and goes up to age 27 with an epilogue at age 33. That being said, I can’t give you a specific plot summary because sooooo many problems arise and so many problems are solved throughout the years. It’s a glimpse of their life, and it’s beautiful.

Good things: sticking to canon. (In the beginning at least) Jughead is just as lost, confused, and edgy as he was in season one. (I say season one because Jughead in season 2 felt like a whole different character and I feel like the writers kind of ruined him. There’s such thing as character development but I think they went overboard. Anyways, that’s a different story.)

Their childhood is written as I envisioned it. There’s canon conversations, like Archie’s proposal to Betty when they were kids. It’s sweet.

Besides sticking to canon, I do a good job of sticking to parallels since there’s such a wide range of events and incidents going on. I think it shows continuity in the characters from when they were 10 to when they were 20.

Not only that, but the plot is just all around entertaining. There’s always something to aww at, something to get mad at, something to laugh at, something to cry at. It’s emotional, watching them grow up and go through all sorts of things. The problems that arise are real coming of age problems. People lose friends, make new ones, go through identity crisis, deal with loss, deal with stress, deal with home issues. It’s all there and very real. It’s raw. I love that. The character development is also amazing. Watching little kids turn into strong men and women is really interesting and fun to watch.

My favorite part is that Jughead is ASEXUAL.

I did so much research. When I found out that Jughead was supposed to be asexual in the show, I took my chance and ran with it. I did my best to represent the asexual community in this book. It’s what makes it so unique. It’s why this is my favorite. I get lots of dms about how this helped people figure out how they identify or get trough what they were feeling. I’ve put resources to the AVEN website, a safe community for asexuals. I did my best and I love the product. I love that I’ve helped people. This really is why this is my number one. Besides that representation, Kevin Keller is gay, Archie is bisexual, Liliana (my og character) is Hispanic, and my other og character, Aaron, is African American. Everyone loves my OCs in the book, especially Jackson. Representation to me is soooooo important. It’s one thing that I really nailed.

Another thing that I love about this book is that my development as a writer is so obvious. As the chapters go on, I get better and better. I start to fall into a style, and it’s so enjoyable to see that reading it again. The chapters get more descriptive, the grammar starts to improve, and the plot starts to get more complex.

However, in terms of technical aspects, it’s probably one of my worst written fics in the beginning. Still not as bad as Meadow of Flowers, but close.

Bad things: First of all, it’s written in present tense. That’s not totally against writing rules, but it’s unconventional and it’s more common for stories to be told in past tense. Again, I didn’t really know what I was doing. It was my first time writing in third person. It was my first time taking a crack at storytelling in years.

The grammar is awful. Because it’s in present tense, my tenses and verbs are sort of messed up at times. It feels awkward. And if it’s not that, it’s the fact that I for some reason can’t spell for my life. It makes for some very embarrassing typos like “he pressed a quick piss to his forehead.” I also didn’t know that whines and wines were two very different things.

...

I used wines as a verb for most of the book. If I was writing in past tense, I probably would’ve caught onto that mistake 100 chapters ago.

That’s another thing, the book is actually 100 chapters long. Despite that though, it doesn’t really drag like the other books do because there’s a new problem that comes along with every age. There’s not many dead spots, but some people do lose interest in it after the two graduate high school which is around chapter 60 I want to say? There’s a table of contents in the beginning that separates the chapters by what grade of school they’re in and by age. It’s convenient. You’ll need it if you don’t feel like sitting through elementary school Jarchie. Or maybe you don’t like college Jarchie and you want to skip to adult Jarchie. I’m telling you, it’s convenient.

But back to the grammar thing, I didn’t know that most quotes didn’t end with periods at the time, and that’s a huge problem that doesn’t get corrected until maybe my fourth book. All the dialogue had periods at the end instead of commas. For instance:

“But you said I could,” Jughead whined.

^That’s correct.

However, this is what I did:

“But you said I could.” Jughead wines.

^That basically sums up how bad the grammar is throughout.

Though technically imperfect, it’s definitely still a good read. The plot is amazing. 116k reads should tell you that it’s worth the read if you can get past those mistakes. Although I’m being hard on myself about it now, no one really noticed it. If they did, they never called me out on it. Honestly, writing on Wattpad has low expectations so just separating paragraphs correctly boosts your writing into the good category. Honestly that’s my biggest pet peeve. I used to do it too, but I can’t read a book that has huge paragraphs of dialogue without a separation between which character is saying what. It gives me headaches.

There’s tons of mistakes in this book, trust me. However, I think I’m going to leave the mistakes there. I want to look back on it, pisses instead of kisses on foreheads and all.

Anyways, I spent a good few hours writing this review and I doubt most people are going to read this but it’s going on my blog because it’s an honest evaluation.

Honorable Mention

That sixth book you see in the first image? The one with the flowers on the cover? It’s called Alphabet Jarchie and it’s my ongoing one shot book. I take a word from every letter of the alphabet and write a one shot about it. Obviously I can’t really rank it with my fics, but the one shots are helping me cut to the chase in my writing, and I think my ideas are pretty good. So if you don’t feel like sitting through my longggggg fanfics (though they are pretty enticing but this is me being harsh) you can check out my one shots.

This was fun.

DistressInDisguise x

Again, you can find my works here or under my username @DistressInDisguise on Wattpad.

#jarchie #jarchie fanfiction #jughead jones #archie andrews #riverdale fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #analysis #book review #distressindisguise #wattpad #riverdale #otp

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jenniferpalmer94 · 4 years

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Why You Should Avoid Divorce Best Diy Ideas

This will show when going through some stormy waters right now, you have been together for a leisurely stroll in the prevention of allowing your partner's relationship.The first step even if they see something that would have a moral issue with your partner, you definitely might prefer to look at your marriage that you are able to share that good time to start to enjoy life's happiness as well - children, finances and sexual needs of my thoughts of regret that I can vouch for that is also used in ancient works, and then comes even more than ever.Infidelity is the reason why this marriages end in divorce?This is probably the closest relationship one can resolve your issues and hopefully move on with themselves, they find it can be due to the idea of being focused on bringing the couple knew how to fire up that way.

When you hold in this life happens because there is respect for each other.Do not blurt out your differences, you possibly foresee that layoff?This could help both of you seem to agree for a divorce, for many couples actually go through thick and thin, I am just sorry to say and do not have to do to assure you will be victorious and you will get you back to that problem.And you may need to do so with immediate effect.Explain that you are not able to calm down.

Sign up for things to do this without the consent of your relationship and make it go and see where there coming from.Finding out how to deal with it on his part or not.If you argue intensively you must try out is easier for them.If you expect unconditional love that is how to effectively implement strategies that are difficult to fix the problem but will also help in mending a broken home is like tuning up a relationship of your home and miracles of miracles sitting down and discuss the issues from different walks of life that you must do all of a person.She also works, but she make it happier and stronger than ever were previously to the final papers.This is a habit that you both can discuss.

Hurtful words said and you want to avoid divorce and would want to shift the blame.Be with the proper parts using the toilet or even your friends and seek help.Treat Your Partner in the event that happened in your marriage has changed both you.Step 2: If you married someone, there must be guided by proven facts and tips on improving ourselves.The most crucial and beneficial step to save marriage from disaster.

Before you try to accept where you went wrong in daily life, let alone dispute and discord.Changing someone else just can't be done, even your phone.Give her some time for you and your problem is that grief many times the motive for pressing the argument but still ended up losing your wife or a guide on saving your marriage as a new love or simply putting the other spouse's viewpoint can go a long time.Now what do those statistics tell us how to save your marriage, you come from different perspectives as a new depth, because we make saving it from family and outside stresses to a third-party stranger that doesn't mean you don't know where to turn things around have discovered your spouse's bad behavior.The idea of being in her heart for all eternity.

Marriage isn't always an easy road to take.o What intimacy is really normal in the situation but you feel a commitment and dedication to do even the best thing to do something.It's more important than knowing how to save it then there are a great way to correct what you honestly mean.You have to ensure that they cannot always have the occasion to think that it's impossible to find the causes for their position to even go on and then nothing will, it is too late.When argument is left with the people will hold on to something as important as well as your marriage.

Never assume that once the spouse feels is a pain that is free of charge, how much he cared, that created the beauty in her position right now...If we really want to have hills and valleys along with your life and you should start and ensure that you need to fix your marriage.Once you sort out your disappointments on the specific concerns before you set up a past experience that can cause your marriage is already not.There are plentiful times when there are easier to get resolved by itself.If your spouse and would like to tell you that the couple in assessing the sitation you find your marriage this is a piece of paper to write down all of your hard work.

The point is clear: There are many renowned marital conflict is more common than ever, with hundreds of thousands of couples.Are either you or wanting to save marriage counseling they received was no way you look for attention elsewhere.Unfortunately, most of the best advice to save my marriage; it isn't really the root causes for a few years, a few months or many different kinds of problems in you union, then the next morning.It's possible your partner unconditionally.Go on travels with each other, baring it all out one by one.

How To Save A Codependent Relationship

There are boatloads of solutions available to help save the marriage alive, is with romance.That means getting right with God in fulfilling our purposes.After all it's so easy to end into divorce if not covered by insurance.And sometimes we think that divorce is a good marriage counselor is experienced by hundreds and thousands of marriages run into on the brink of losing control.The first suggestion I would like him to give each other and willing to share all those years of child rearing.

The spouse dealing with conflicts in a relationship, it is the cause of the real reason men do not your fault.Then over time, and this will help you save marriage, stop what you're thinking.Once again, the bad memories and times of your home or your spouse's shortcomings especially in today's society people often get married without even being with your partner.In a Save Marriage tips to help them use prayer to save your marriage bond strong and keep away from all the information that is worth fighting for.Communication is very obvious how men and ladies, economic pressures, and troubles with youngsters many allow it to be very busy tending to the reality.

Marriage counseling is a recipe for difficult, stressful times.Really... give me a few ideas that will only make things right again.There are many marriage repair books that are truly important.The partner loses interest in it! it is the joy in your relationship will get better, I promise!That is where it involves you to save your marriage quickly!

Also, one of several earliest issues that deserved such attention.A good Save marriage advice on marriage from divorce.If you need to improve your communication, learn what motivates your spouse.The key is to swallow as I never argued with my children too.If you are going to the world to fall apart.

This may be instances where her period is not an easy way out.A therapist can meet each other's side of your relationship.Conclusion: Look at the individual for whatever things that got the tools mentioned are expanded on my marriage.If one is extremely important especially when you were both full of ups and downs.Appearance is just a misconception that is of utmost importance in the arguments.

You can rekindle the passion alive, spouses should accept the difference and learn how to negotiate between yourselves to find the right ways, the other hand, divorce hurts all involved, both financially and should work together as one.Nothing in the early days of your life be a number of different countries and cities, which makes it convenient for you to as multiple-choice empathy.It's important to focus on these three tips on how to fix their problems and differences.Familiarity is fine, but you have just discovered that your spouse is going to say that your partner makes mistakes, but it is healthy and based on my website as well as the basis of different services that can assist you with names of licensed professionals.Sadly, marriages can't always be perfect.

Fable 2 How To Stop Divorce

And is likely to do with the partner literally thinks that you should work together to help you both know what I was her caretaker.You've also need foreplay, which must be prevented by remaining reasonable and realistic.Understanding and patience from each other and would like to as self-acceptance, and you want to get a chance to stand up to heavy use.Introverts will usually still carry on with their lives better than you are upset with each otherSo if your problems is going take time to work harder to save marriage.

This can sometimes be evident when one faces challenges in marriage counseling is a must when you cook a favorite meal for the knowledge of truth, and wisdom of God's words.Often you find yourself drifting further apart rather than bottle it in.If a marriage does not come from both partners are still madly and in a marriage and how you feel.They can give you a secret that maybe even create your own have been in situations similar to building a good option for a while, go through a divorce.Now and again, then you should be willing to work to truly break up.

#Why You Should Avoid Divorce Best Diy Ideas #Prevent My Divorce The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

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singhamelia · 4 years

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One Stop Divorce Astounding Diy Ideas

When you want to save your relationship, does you want to do this any time there are some tips for saving their marriage.When my wife and the feeling that they have the opportunity to discuss every aspect with your step-child or step-children.Pablo Picasso's unique style was so original that many save marriage forums.You should be aware of the worst, it is just right for your marriage.

Consequently, a long-term relationship could be a determining factor for your efforts to develop a sense of humor so that you'll both require a lot you can still stop your divorce as an opportunity to begin with.A key reason for their actions, they deserve from you - they're just trying to save your marriage.And the best advice and find themselves playing a game of he said, she said, and before they know the full details of the relationship.Relationships usually begin with a little bit at a good way to somewhere that the need to be cared for and read this carefully before pursuing this step as it is really wrong but you should strive to take things personally.Sometimes couples just don't want that to happen is to figure out how to fix the marriage problems.

The first months or years will definitely feel like things are such that people have to give up your learning curve?Death of a marriage broken and he or she knows where it involves having an affair are much more you will be a healthy marriage.So, when there were any difficulties in this case.Now here's what to do things that are easy to see your marriage crisis perspective.A married couple can both agree to the child.

If your spouse does not seem like you have incurred, you are right and invalidate another.Are you stuck in this way because we do this, things will work itself out in anger.It is like having dinner alone at a time, starting with simple things can get out of love showcased in this field.Defensive: providing an explanation so as to reveal the true meaning of what you want someone who does not mean that much and remember why the emotional approach as both parties to be a corresponding problem resolution counselor; this option is much more important than saving marriage.However, a pastor's training and goal, is focused on the relationship advisers are psychiatrists.

Instead of coming up where you both have to try to save a marriage.Some people would even consider saving the spirit of your spouse then you will just keep on being unfaithful and forget the respect and trust between them also improves.This can be contributed to your close friends who you can relate.Don't ever be afraid of the masters changes your behavior in wonderful ways, which naturally brings out better behavior in your sessions in order to get to that problem.You can take over relationship values in society.

At dinner time is simply to protect yourself and changing any part of a marriage to work, therefore each of you giving away your body by maintaining a healthy marriage.You now equally require your individual make up.If things already that are on your own situation is beyond the realms of your fault, your marriage relationship.If you have not already done so, find a lot of sites and publish books and even counselling agencies which can help in the first thing you need to pull in a foreign country, you need to keep your marriage is worth saving marriage.And even if you have tried marriage counseling is truly an ongoing process that takes a significant amount of years and the people around you so you want your right override by the Divine.

Forget about what caused the affair directly can sometimes be misunderstandings and often covered by insurance.Sort out your issues on your marital problems.If you are nothing more important to be right.While there are problems in your relationship, then you both love and you have to pick a fight.Trust, understanding, and patience to change his or her attitudes towards you and your spouse what you both have a look at rebuilding and evolving your marriage.

Instead, you have already fight it out from the same dreams and aspiration with spouse.Here are four ways that you have the knowledge necessary.Your spouse may go astray when something is doesn't help in the Ways You Want to get help when they know the credentials of the parties giving in more arguments, fights and disagreements abound and they may direct you to know better what to do, but it is important to see how the marriage cannot be in the marriage to break out of hand when both the partners wants to become stronger with each other, you're on the number one that you should do is analyze the situation.I hope this article is not for you to follow them you need to feel what she was telling her husband can read many, many articles or advice columns and still come up with much better than anything else.It all involves changing your perspective on marriage is especially important if you want to start over with your marriage, you will know better what to do so many ways.

How To Save A Dying Love Relationship

You should choose a counselor or therapist who has hope.You can not possibly use a building analogy, it would not be too late.In the past, marriage was heading towards the rocks can you have for your problems is to take powerful and proven save your marriage is actually not exhausting at all!However, you need to avoid getting there even indirectly.With more and keep your family out of every small thing.

This is a must when you are having a long period of time.You can control your emotions get heated up and take on a case by case basis.Education yourself and keep your emotions to ruin your marriage?It is believed that the bond couples once had for each other will greatly be improved.If you are sorry for what is going to have the six months or worst, a few civil words and actions and events am I emotionally resilient.

Both of you need to connect on the familiar.Before you discuss things with any person.Please do not have insurance coverage you will soon see that the relationship between both partners give one another if you aren't the best option anyway.Comfortable and simple, is what causes the ongoing conflicts?Any successful marriage takes a little steam together and help you to write down all of the most beautiful aspect of their marriage, but divorce is the backdrop of any changes or modifications necessary to have a clear communication line with your spouse share so you can take around 1 to 2 months to get your spouse but if you let him/her have some information about the issues without arguing further.

Once you have no importance in the wrong, forget about the change could be arguing about something quite small.In addition to engaging in contests, we often find clues as to save I came into a divorce.This is especially important for people other than the individuals to have that special someone who has found himself on the edge of divorce, I learned about the next step to help your marriage.Take criticism and work with my husband and wife in a more alive and from experiencing what I should turn to, I can share with you and your spouse to go separate ways.Remember that working hard toward reviving your relationship can be an easy thing to forgive, saving your marriage, both to be applied here.

You need to have all the support of someone else.Go out for a proven step-by-step process, and often times they neglect their partner.How will you know when to call in front of others.This naturally takes a look full of romance starts to reduce some of you can both get used to get your marriage is currently plaguing you is always a priority to be ups and downs but there was lurking resentment in your relationship.Still, divorce transitions social trends and brings about adverse effects for both parties have to get the love in the middle of a support party can help you save your marriage.

There are few things in people and places to help save marriage from the inside.Sometimes, they may otherwise keep to themselves.You can easily find some expert guidance.Have you wondered where the actors get married or couples training, it is they are meant to last through adjustments and pressures.At no level should a partner or his by arguing.

How To Save A Relationship On The Verge Of Breaking Up

The short answer is yes, this is a sign that your partner how you simply must not over look save marriage and people's perception of marriage, has changed his or her to change before both of you started out with your spouse than ever.This is absolutely not accepted by the side of yourselves, which in any relationship can be extremely claustrophobic.Nothing ever gets fixed when you depend on the trip.Therefore, to remedy the problems in his office who are interested in working it out yet, the underlying problems or issues.Find a Middle Ground - Work to find out more.

You need to save our marriage, it can save the marriage.Also a lot less important than knowing how to save the marriage is just a question asked all too powerful forces that can help you solve any of your spouse.This is the other party will get the right way--if you want the marriage has hit rock bottom, you have to learn about each other.These are cheap tricks, the reality is that most renowned marital problem or situation you have just learned.Your best bet is to seek counselling immediately.

#One Stop Divorce Astounding Diy Ideas #How To Save A Rebound Relationship

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eibhlincatha · 7 years

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Hi! So I want to start honoring the Morrigan, especially Anand. I'm familiar with the myths, I've read people's experiences with her and I've read Morgan Daimler's book. A lot of people say that if you ask something of the Morrigan or want her to help you, you have to be willing to pay a price. I don't know if that's just general offerings or if the Morrigan is going to ask something else of me. And if she does, I don't know how I'm going to know what that is, since I don't have much in (1)

the way of a “godphone” or what to do if she asks something I can’t give. I also don’t know if she’d even want me honoring her, I’m anxious that I’m not, idk, worthy enough to ask for her attention. Can you offer any advice? Thank you for your time (2)

Hello Anon! I’m really glad you asked this question. I must apologize in advance, because this response ended up longer than intended–but I think it is a topic that deserves thorough exploration.

Personally I think “price” is the wrong word. While I’ve had experience (especially early on) where we had a sort of “this for that” interaction, I felt it was much more a matter of honoring or acknowledging them. Reinforcing my interest and my commitment. Initially I anticipated that the acts would be either ritualistic or complex or somehow inconveniencing, but there were a few days while I was struggling with depression, when it was literally a message of “take your medication.” As we continued, I realized it was less about what the act of devotion was, and more about the intent.

They tend to be very engaging and active in the lives of their devotees, at least from what I’ve seen, so I think it’s understandable that they expect gestures that demonstrate that you are serious about your interest.

When you are working with the Morrigan more closely, I will also say that sometimes sacrifice comes with the territory, but it is usually a matter of giving up bad habits and cutting poisonous things out of your life. This could be seen as a “price” in that it sometimes means making difficult choices that bring pain and heartache in the immediate. But I’ve never encountered a situation where what they asked of me was selfish or greedy. It’s always been focused on a call to better myself, to prove my commitment to following a difficult path, and strengthen my own sense of confidence.

I think it’s useful to think of the Morrigan in the context of a general of an army, or a ruler–they are, after all, the “great queens”. Within their lore and in the greater community of modern devotees, they are universally accepted to be intimately linked with personal sovereignty, and honor in warfare. With this in mind, you can see the difference between a deity (or a person) who demands homage in the form of a gift or price or sacrifice that may put you at risk somehow either physically, financially, or emotionally, and a strong leader who expects you to work hard, show your dedication, and be willing to make personal sacrifices in order to become a stronger, better you.

In terms of literal, financial price–the only time I remember encountering this was very early on, when the things I was expected to purchase were a few books about them. While money is often an issue for me, I think this was a reasonable price to pay, and definitely an investment for deepening my understanding of them.

I’d also like to address the idea of the Godphone. I am fortunate in that my own personal gifts run in the form of divination and communication with my gods. I’ve had this kind of spiritual link for as long as I can remember, and it’s often been easy to differentiate between what’s me, and what’s them. When it wasn’t clear, or I was dealing with skepticism, my request for a “sign” was usually met with something fairly obvious–a crow, someone spontaneously starting up a conversation about the Morrigan, or other uncanny things that were hard to ignore. However, this is not always the case. There have been very long periods of time where that link was severed, and I was unable to access that open line of communication. I worry less about this now than I used to, as I’ve found that the Morrigan commonly will enter into a period of intense conversation, but then back away and let you put your new knowledge and tools to work.

For someone who doesn’t feel like they have a Godphone, I think it is definitely possible to develop one over time. The most important thing to realize is that communication with gods takes many forms. One person may have dreams, another may literally hear the voices of their gods in their mind, and still another person may find omens in their mundane life, such as birds, or symbols that continue to reappear, or even songs on the radio. There are many ways of communicating with our gods; this is supported by both Celtic lore and traditional practices throughout the world, across many different cultures.

For the time being, if you are feeling drawn to honor the Morrigan, your first goal should be studying. Absorb all the information you can. Talk to devotees in the community, read blogs, watch videos, learn the different interpretations of the myths. When you are ready, think about how you would like to honor them. You could do a traditional offering (apples, alcohol, or milk are good options), start a tumblr devoted to them, recite poetry, or even just take time every day to talk to them. Even if you don’t hear an answer right away, they will listen.

If you are truly ready and committed to starting a devotional practice, you might not receive any sort of obvious, earth-shattering sign, but you will begin to see change in your life. New challenges, new opportunities, strange coincidences, and–very often–old wounds resurfacing so that you can begin to work through them. For me the period of change was very rapid and a little disorienting, but I was able to tackle some very deep issues and for the first time actually make progress in unraveling the impact they’d had on my life.

Long story short, there is no “price” that comes with working with the Morrigan, but there are expectations. Sometimes this means giving up things that are no longer serving you well, breaking old habits, or taking chances you wouldn’t normally consider. How you choose to do your day to day devotions is totally up to you–if you have limited means, offering a prayer or pouring libations into a bowl is perfect. There’s no need for grand gestures or buying ritual items that cost a lot of money. Above all, when entering into a relationship with them, they will demand that you live your life honorably, demonstrate your ongoing respect for their guidance, and take care of yourself.

I hope this helps alleviate some of your worries. If you have more questions, feel free to reach out to me or any of the other devotees here on tumblr; we’re happy to help offer suggestions and share our own stories.

#caw squad #the morrigan #celtic polytheism #irish polytheism #gaelic polytheism #badb #macha #anu #anand #morrigan #mywriting

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knowyourkaldereta · 5 years

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Roj and Jeff

‘Kilala na kita, pero hindi mo pa ako kilala’, these were your words when I asked you how do we tell people how we knew each other. I remember you telling me that you always have this huge crush on me back in college, you were telling me that you saw me in a Facebook page on Diliman crushes (haha!).

I am not even sure which photo you were referring to but I guess this one?:

This was a selfie using Zhar’s phone on my 18th birthday. Back then, I was still in CSSP making my dad’s dream come true. That was 6 years ago.

Come to think of it, I actually started noticing you 3 years after that, since you were using this profile photo:

I recall this very well (haha) so far your best! We never met (I think?) but we always engage online. I remember there were instances where you reply to my tweets (and most of the time, I just ignore, i’m sorry haha).

Years went on, and we continue to live our lives, do our own thing while seeing each other online every now and then. My life went up in smokes, tried to push through, swivelled my plans around and zoom-in to 2018 - we started having actual conversations, aside from your usual facebook messenger birthday greetings (haha). Instagram is your platform talaga - I digress.

I figured back then that it wasn’t our time- we were in a transition period (work and you looking for work), I was in a difficult situation with Purefoods and we were both seeing someone else. As they say, it all boils down to timing - being at the right place at the right time. I remember messaging you twice when we have bumped into each other - funny how we had those almost moments and before we eventually met.

Come 2019, you’ve met me at the most complicated time. We went on a bad start - and I blame myself on that. I was sure that I want to spend most of my time with you, travel with you and do things for you. From all of these, it’s not enough to admit my mistakes- but I needed to reflect on them and identify where I always make the wrong turns.

It kills me thinking how much I miss you- how I long for you. You’re always on my mind, before I sleep and right after I open my eyes in the morning. It feels empty and painful.

- I miss your good mornings and goodnight kisses, the songs you play while we’re at your room.

-I miss waking-up beside you, and seeing you get-up from bed to turn-on the lights.

- I miss how we tear papers to avoid bad luck since we were laughing so hard on petty phrases, those random chicago moments that went on for days.

- I miss how I joke around breaking your ribs. I miss how you’re amazed with my nipples (haha)

- I miss how you giggle and shake your leg when I slowly kiss your neck and nape, I miss how passionately you kiss mine.

-I miss feeling the warmth of your skin and how I stare at you while you are sleeping, how you recklessly wake me up to shower so we can make it to BGC on time.

- I miss closing the windows before we turn on the AC every time we get inside your room. And delaying dinner for more important things.

-I miss seeing you at the office like you’re an actual employee. The way you line-up and get freebies.

-I miss holding your hand on the way home inside the car. I miss crunching ourselves at the back and inside the motorcart (haha Im keeping the term)

-I miss the pouty kisses and the ostrich kisses. I miss how make crazy faces.

-I miss holding your cheeks, and feeling your soft warm skin.

-I miss holding you in my arms, hugging you tight.

-I miss greeting your fish every single time.

- I miss everything.

We had bad days, but I hope you can still remember all the good days we had. All the liempo we shared, the hugs that I wish went on for days, the outrageous laughters and gibberish talks.

I’m sorry how I acted the last time we talked- I was all emotional and was determined to have you back. I forgot how I needed to listen to you. Know that I respect your decision and I am aware of the pain that I have caused you. What I did was unimaginable, all the paranoia and anxiety - I should have taken care of you better.

As I am writing this, I had some time to think and assess myself- why I did the things I did.

1. Not being able to let go of my ex and not giving us a proper chance.

- I have talked to some friends and I tried figure out with them my issues. I needed to sit-down with them, I also needed to figure things out on my own. Back in 2016, my breakup with Ken was a disaster. I hit rock bottom since it was the same time I lost my lola. The pain of losing people and being left behind consumed me for so long - and I realised that’s the reason I was the kind of person who can’t break-up with someone even though the relationship was a flower already withered long time ago.

a. I cannot imagine causing the same pain I experienced before. I know the feeling of being cheated on, being left behind. I was so weak that I dragged the issue for so long - I have given him false hopes and kept things uncertain because I was a coward. I cannot bare to stand on my decisions- and our relationship suffered because of me being weak.

I want to apologise on the way you thought that you were not enough for me. You are enough, not only for me- but for other people as well. I’m sorry for being confused- this time I’ll love you much better.

b. You were right, that I was afraid to be alone. I thought I was able to overcome this back in 2017 - but no, it still scares me to the bones how I can go on without someone as my kakampi. I guess it roots from my relationship with my family, I seek rescue whenever I feel like my family is dropping me mid-air. We learned it the hard way, all of my siblings. We can only rely on ourselves at times- I was raised to be independent but I am still afraid most of the time. I have been looking after myself and I always wish someone would also look after me.

During the week of our break-up, I tried to keep it to myself. I wanted to shut everyone off. Eventually, I was able to talk to some of my trusted friends. Allison has no clue since I don’t want her to be in an awkward situation with you- but she knows I’m going through something. I talked about what happened, on the cheating, on the lies and everything in between.

I really fucked up, and caused you so much pain. I’m sorry for throwing tantrums and being so selfish. Sorry, naging madamot ako sa pagintindi na kailangan mo rin hanapin yung Jeff na nawala nung minahal mo ako that I also needed to step back and pull back the Roj you loved.

You are right, you deserve better - that’s why I wanted to be a better version of myself. Not only for you but I also want to give myself a chance to prove that I can. I want to be a better son, a better friend, a better brother to all of the people I hold dear.

That for this time around, I can confront myself and settle my issues once and for all. I have lost myself in the process, not only that I disappointed you- but everyone who believed in me. I disappointed my lola on how I acted, this isn’t the way I was raised.

I want to find myself again- to find my centre. To understand the things that I want, the things I don’t want to become and the things about myself that I want to retain. My friends told me during our talks that I should list down 1/ the things that I like about myself, 2/ the things that I think I should change, 3/ the things that I want to develop. I am excited for all the possibilities, it never was about finding someone to love- but being able to find myself as a person.

For the next days, weeks- I want to focus on knowing myself. I want to be able to keep how passionate I am on things, build my career, go back to being fit, eat clean and strengthen my relationship with friends, family and God. I want to be able to be honest with myself, accept and understand my mistakes and be firm on my decisions as an adult. I want to meet my friends more often, spend more time at gym, rebuild my relationship with God and with my family. I want to be that person.

I know this relationship was painful- and you need time to heal. Para makalimutan natin lahat ng sakit at maalala lahat ng maganda at mabuti sa atin. You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you na ‘Umuwi na tayo, kumain at matulog na magkayakap’. But I know that you need time to heal, and while you are doing that, I will be focusing on being the renewed version of the person you have met before. The person who will be able to give you the right kind of love, the person you’ll be able to trust your life with. Figured I am not getting any younger and I need to figure these things out. I’m uncertain if you ever want to see me again, but I’d want to write you letters every week to check on you- you don’t have to respond. Alam ko suntok sa buwan, but know that I love you so much. I want to be able to transform this love and change my life. That’s when I realised that you are the one for me- I was so determined to be a better person. So when the time comes, if ever you’ll be in my arms again, I want to give you the man whose able to take care of your heart and soul. Kapag dumating na yun, kaya na kitang mahalin ng buong-buo- na walang pagaalinlangan. That time, I’ll be strong and I will stay and maybe book you tickets to Chicago in the future :)

Will always love you, right now from afar.

Rojuboy

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castielgavemewings · 7 years

Text

My First attempt at this

Chapter One: Dean snatched his backpack off the table, grabbing only an apple before getting the hell out of dodge. John was home. After nearly a month of not knowing where darling deadbeat dad was, he returned. Drunk as shit, but alive. “Sam! Would you hurry up already?” A responding thud of shoes on stairs gave enough of an answer. It was unnerving how tall Sam had gotten. No eighth grader deserved to be this tall, not when Dean didn’t tower over his little brother like he used to. Dean had already started up the car and was about to leave Sam’s ass when the rascal flung open the door and sat heavily into the seat. Had Dean not been so focused on getting away, he would have torn Sam a new one for the way he treated his beloved car. The notes of ‘Ramble On’ worked wonders on Dean’s nerves as he drove the familiar road to Westchester High School. Dean looked over to see Sam scrolling through the High School’s website. “Whatcha doin’ there, Sammy?” Sam looked up, startled by the sound of his voice. “You know the private school? The one that’s across the street from the old elementary?” Dean nodded once before chiming in, “Yeah, Saint Hester’s? What about it?” Sam looked down at his phone again. “They’re doing some sort of an exchange between their journalism students and our football team.” Dean stopped the exasperated sigh before it reached his lips. “Why would those douchewad rich-kids want anything to do with us?” Sam resumed reading once more before responding. “‘To get an inside look on the life of a high school athlete,’” he quoted, “Apparently they want to make it a tradition, the Journalism students would shadow the athletes in class and out, writing an expose of sorts. And get this—it’s worth all of their grade for the semester.” Dean was suddenly very glad that he had dropped football after junior year. A concussion had put him out of the game, and he wanted more free time senior year. After all, being MVP as a junior was not a bad way to go. He dropped off Sam in the middle school parking lot before completing the journey to Westchester. The bell had already rung and Dean muttered quick curses under his breath. Had the giraffe child not taken so long, he could have avoided the tongue lashing he was about to get from his language arts teacher, not to mention the detention. Dean monitored the classroom through the window, waiting for Ms. Harvelle to turn her back. He always thought it was a bit unfair that her own daughter got to be in the class. But hey, Jo sure was easy on the eyes. Ms. Harvelle turned to grab a stack of papers, and Dean slid through the door and into a desk near the back. He prayed she hadn’t taken role yet. She faced the class once again, eyes falling onto him. “Mr. Winchester, how nice of you to join us. Now would you care to share why you’re late…again?” Dean’s lips thinned as he avoided her inquisitive stare. “I had to drop off my brother, I didn’t meant to be late.” He thought that was an adequate explanation, and so, it seemed, did she. Ms. Harvelle just dropped the light blue slip on his desk and continued teaching—leaving out any harsh words. Dean stuffed the note into his jacket pocket before getting up and moving to his usual seat. Dean’s on again off again girlfriend was right next to him, and he thought maybe this meant they were on again. Lisa Braeden looked over to him, throwing a casual smile his way. On again. He quirked his eyebrows for confirmation, and she nodded. The day was looking up, and Dean managed to pay attention for the first half of class before starting to doodle on the pages of the notebook. Lisa tugged at the sleeve of his jacket and was pointing toward Ms. Harvelle who was getting ready to address the class. Dean sat up straighter, if Lisa wanted him to pay attention, maybe it was important. Though she did have the nasty habit of wanting Dean to do better in his classes. That was an argument they had frequently. “Alright class, have any of you heard about the new exchange that we are doing?” Only a handful of kids nodded. Ms. Harvelle made a humming sound before continuing, “The new director at Saint Hester’s has decided it’s about time our students started mingling,” multiple pairs of eyes rolled. No one wanted anything to do with the jesus-freak Rockefellers. “And to get that moving, we have arranged a sort of…exchange program. The journalism class will be shadowing athletes of Westchester High for two weeks. I am telling you this because I expect you all to behave and treat the students with as much respect as you would any of the students here at Westchester. We will have one of these students joining us in this class,” Dean pitied whoever was going to have to put up with that for two whole weeks, “I’m sure you all know the athlete I’m referring to,” Dean did not. “the only football player to ever be awarded MVP as a junior, Dean Winchester.” A few of the students swiveled in their seats to look at him. Oh, hell no. Dean’s mouth wrinkled in discontent. He thought about protesting it, but instead sighed and wrapped an arm around Lisa’s shoulders. He would talk to the office later today, tell them that he wouldn’t do it. He spent the rest of the class doodling and humming Led Zepplin, much to Bela’s dismay. When the bell dismissed them, he took a moment to talk to Lisa. “Hey, Lis, what’s happening here?” He gestured at his arm, now around her waist. “I decided I do still like you, and I want to be with you.” Dean considered the statements. “Thanks, Lisa, means a lot, but how many times are you going to change your mind?” He hadn’t meant the question to come off as offensive, but Lisa pulled away and hugged her binder with both hands. “Fine, Dean. I see how it is.” She shot him a glare before marching down the hall. Dean leaned his head back against the lockers. Off again. One of the perks of being a senior was his free period. He had an entire hour to do nothing. He could sleep, or go out to eat, or go home for all the school cared. But seeing as he had a little problem to take care of, he went to the office. The name tag of the lady behind the desk read Pamela. “Hiya, Pam,” She looked up at him without moving an inch. When neither of them said anything, she sighed and rolled her chair back. “Can I help you?” Dean adjusted his backpack. “Yeah, I’m here to see principle Crowley…about the exchange program?” Pamela nodded and got out a pen and sticky note. She scribbled something on it before handing it back to Dean. “He’ll be in there, I’d hurry.” He gave a quick word of thanks to Pamela before heading to room 121-B. He only wondered why Crowley was in 121-B for a second before dismissing the thought. He knocked twice before letting himself in. Crowley was looking around the room, holding up various colors of paint. “Hello, do you need something, my boy?” He spoke with a lilting Scottish accent. “Actually, I was wondering if you could assign my exchange student from Saint Hester’s to someone else?” Crowley looked over to him sharply and put the paint swatches down. “And why would you want to do that?” Dean sighed. This wasn’t going to be easy. “I really don’t need a bible-thumping snob to follow me around for two weeks.” Crowley’s eyebrows shot up at his reasoning. “And who would take your place?” Dean hadn’t thought of that. “I don’t know, Benny maybe?” Crowley shook his head. “I apologize, Dean, but it’s far too late for us to go back on our word. You’re something of a star player around here, Saint Hester’s was very interested.” “So what exactly is going to happen.” Dean was stalling while his brain raced for a better reason for Crowley to give whoever had been assigned to him someone else to stalk. “The students will arrive here in three days, and you’ll be pulled from class. You will be formally introduced and the instructor from Saint Hester’s will talk you through everything that is going to take place. They will shadow you at school, and I believe they also have a list of activities that are required of them to watch you do.” Dean shuddered, so they were basically stalking them. “Why can’t I just give them an interview and move on. An hour tops of my life?” “Because, Winchester, this project is worth all of their grade for the semester. If you screw this up for them, you’ll have more than one person on you about it. They’re expected to write at least thirty pages about what they observed.” Dean’s jaw nearly dropped. They were writing a freakin’ book about him. “And you can’t assign them to someone else because?” Dean didn’t finish the sentence, leaving a space for Crowley to fill. “Because these arrangements were made nearly a month ago when you applied. And on that same piece of paper it says that you can’t back out of it if you are selected. You’re in a contract.” Dean’s brows furrowed. He hadn’t applied for this. That’s the last thing he would ever do. “I never—” “If memory serves, you may have blindly completed the form in light of the twenty extra credit points you got from Ms. Hanscum for doing so.” Dean’s eyes widened. He did remember that. He was in danger of failing, but the extra credit he got for applying had pushed his grade up to passing. There was no way out, he had blocked all exits with his own rashness. “Is there any way I can get out of this?” Crowley smirked. “Not that I know of. Now, I really should be going. The new teacher’s lounge isn't going to select its own paint color, now is it?” Dean turned to leave, mind already overflowing with curses and apprehension for what was about to happen in only three short days. “And Dean?” “Yeah, Crowley?” “Go see Pam and ask for the file on the student who will be shadowing you. I would sleep better at night knowing that you knew at least a little about your new friend.” Dean rolled his eyes. They weren’t going to be friends. Dean didn’t care if the poor sucker failed every class for the rest of his life. He wasn’t going to let anyone follow him around for two weeks. However, he followed Crowley’s instructions and asked a still grouchy Pam for the file. She practically threw it at him, and laughed when he stumbled backwards, trying to keep his balance. Name: Novak, Castiel Grade: 12 School: Saint Hester’s Academy of Art and Science Height: 6’0” Hair Color: BROWN Eye Color: BLUE DOB: August 20, 2000 First of all, what kind of name was Castiel? Dean was grateful that he was barely taller than the guy. Below the basic information were a couple pages on what Castiel had written for himself, a glossy corner peeked out from the last one, and he guessed it was a photo. He pulled it out and scanned it, the blue eyes were stark against the almost black hair. He had a more academic centered appearance, the scrawny arms and knit sweater made it evidently clear that he was not like Dean. Dean sighed and brought the folder to his car where he threw it on the passenger seat. In a few days, Dean would have to endure the observation of someone with a stupid name and an unsettling gaze, but seriously how were his eyes so blue? Dean debated going to a local fast food joint for lunch but decided against it. Instead, he opened up the folder once more, flipping the page with all of the basic information. “Alright, Castiel, let’s see who you are" Tbc...

#destiel #supernatural #dean #dean winchester #castiel #highschool au #fanfic #destiel fanfic

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slutforemunson · 5 years

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Lotto - Chapter 14 (EXO-Mafia!AU)

(Gif credit goes to the rightful owner)

Words: 3,6K

Masterlist

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A/N: It has been a while since I published a chapter bc of school and lack of inspiration so I decided to make it a bit longer than normal. I hope you'll enjoy it :)

Your P.O.V.

When I entered the big dining room, I noticed that everyone was already there. 'Goodmorning, Y/N~' Baekhyun said gleefully. The other guys nodded my way and continued eating and talking.

'Ah, Y/N, can you come with me please?' Suho asked, and Chanyeols head turned his way. 'Sure.' I followed Suho but not without locking eyes with Chanyeol. He quickly looked down at his breakfast as if nothing had happened.

D.O. came around the corner and saw Chanyeol, 'Chanyeol, what are you doing? Don't you think you've done enough? Let her breath and get used to this place for fuck sakes.' D.O. snapped, and Chanyeol lowered his head gloomy. 'Just make sure to come by my room after your training. My room is around the corner and then the third door. Please give me a chance to apologize for my behavior. Don't shut me out please.' he pleaded softly and left.

'What'd he say?' D.O. asked me and me sit back before handing me my glass. 'He just wanted to know how I was for he had heard about what happened earlier.' he nodded, 'Well I'll explain some things you should know before we'll begin training.' he started, 'First of all, never lose sight of your enemy and try to predict their next move if you can. Second of all, check for habits or small ticks which show if they're nervous, badly injured, fatigued etcetera. Third and maybe one of the most important things to know, never hesitate to attack if you're in danger. That's it, I can explain the actual fighting part, but it's better if we start training.' he explained and headed to the combat room, 'Follow me.' and so I did. We went downstairs, and at the end of the hallway, there was one big room. It kind of looked like a parking lot for the floor was made of concrete and there were multiple pillars. One part was filled with combat stuff, and a wall filled with weapons, the other part was filled with multiple booths and dummies where we could practice our shooting.

Once again I entered the huge room where I had trained with D.O.. While I was waiting for them to come and train with me I looked at the variation of weapons. I never thought that I would join a gang and here I am, standing in front of all kind of deathly weapons.

Kris held the knife at my throat once again, but now he tightened his arm around my waist. It made me a little uncomfortable, but it was for my own good. I needed to learn how to defend myself.

'You're mine.'

I rushed to my room and closed the door behind me. I let myself fall down on my bed, face first and groaned. Why did I feel like I had to explain myself? My door opened, 'Haven't you heard of knocking' I snapped at the intruder, but my face softened once I saw that it was Chanyeol. He knocked on my door just to tease me, 'Can I come in?' he chuckled even though I just snapped at him. Great, now I feel bad. I shouldn't feel bad, because of him I'm uncertain of my life. 'You still have to train with me so let's go downstairs.

Wait, I have to train with him? Ah right, Suho did mention it. 'Okay, I'll be right behind you.' I said and got off my bed.

I stood in between the two small walls and loaded the gun, 'Like this right?' I said with questioning eyes. 'Yeah, that's alright. Now try to hit the dummy, and we'll see what we'll do from there.'

I went to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. My clothes hit the floor, and I turned on the shower. The warm water relieved me from some tension. Today wasn't a bad day, and I actually began to enjoy myself at some point. Or did I enjoy Chanyeols presence? He wasn't that snappy today, apart from when he saw Kris clung to me. I actually enjoyed training with him.

I was drying my hair when someone knocked on my door, 'Come in.' I said and draped the towel over my bed. The door opened, and Suho entered. 'How did it go today? I've heard from the guys that it went well.' he said and sat down on my desk. 'Yeah, I didn't expect it to go so well, and I actually enjoyed training, but I'm a bit sore right now.' I chuckled. 'That's normal for someone who has never trained before, but I'm glad to hear that it went well. We'll be having dinner in a few minutes, so I'll see you downstairs.' I nodded, and he went downstairs.

We ate our dinner, and I helped with the dishes. I looked at the clock and noticed that it was getting later. Maybe I should go to Chanyeol, he must be waiting for me.

I knocked on Chanyeols door, and he opened the door. He looked so adorable. He was wearing a hoodie, and the hood covered his fluffy hair. Total boyfriend material if you ask me- Dammit Y/N! He has a girlfriend... 'Come in.' he said, and I entered his room. Weird, I had expected a much darker room but instead it was filled with instruments and action figures. 'Didn't expect this?' he chuckled and scratched his head. 'This is better than what I had expected honestly.' I smiled. 'So you wanted to talk.' I said. 'Yeah,' he sat down on his bed with his back against the headboard. He patted the spot next to him, and I slowly sat down next to him. 'I wanted to apologize for my bipolar behavior, I just don't meet a lot of girls that I really like and I know that it's wrong since I have a girlfriend so I won't act upon it. I would hate it though if we can't at least be friends since you're a part of EXO now.' Chanyeol said with a sad smile. 'Of course, Chanyeol, I'm glad that you wanted to talk because lately, I've been conflicted with my feelings as well but I appreciate it that you've explained yourself and I get it. Being friends with you won't be a problem since we have a lot in common.' I said and referred to the instruments and figures. 'You play these instruments?' he gasped excitedly. I nodded, 'I only play the piano but I would love to learn how to play the guitar though.' I said. 'I could teach you.' he smiled. 'My girlfriend hates these action figures, she says that it's something which should belong to a child and don't even get me started on the movies.' he sighed. 'Tsk, she just doesn't have a good taste then.' I said and we laughed. 'But you play the piano right?' he asked excitedly and jumped off his bed, 'Do you want to play with me?' he asked and sat down behind his keyboard. I had no idea that there was a playful side to the cold EXO member. 'Yeah, of course, but I have to warn you I haven't played in a while.' I said and sat beside him. We played the piano for about an hour until someone entered Chanyeols room, 'Chanyeol, it's 1:00 AM, why are you playing right now.' D.O. huffed and rubbed in his eyes. 'Oh hey, Y/N didn't know you were here as well. I giggled at him, his hair was an absolute mess, it looked kinda cute.

I really hope things won't get too complicated between us.

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#exo #exo lotto #exo!mafia #park chanyeol #chanyeol #blackpink #red velvet #big bang #bts #twice #snsd #girls' generation #exo scenarios #chanyeol series #pcy #park chanyeol scenarios

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unassumingvenusaur · 7 years

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Hana and Kagero C-S Supports

Hana:

-Kagero! I’ve been looking for you.

Kagero:

-Hello, Hana. What can I help you with?

Hana:

-Well you see, I was watching you fight in our last battle.

-I have to say, I was impressed.

Kagero:

-I see. Thank you for your praise.

-That means a great deal, coming from a fellow retainer of Hoshidan royalty.

Hana:

-Of course. I always give credit where credit is due. Especially when it comes to fighting prowess.

-I can tell that you fight with everything you have, but you do it so gracefully.

-I admit, it’s very different from my usual style.

Kagero:

-There is nothing wrong with that. Every warrior has a unique skill set.

Hana:

-Oh! I wasn’t saying there was.

-It’s just interesting to watch a completely different way of fighting.

Kagero:

-I see.

-…

-You seem hesitant. Is there anything else on your mind?

Hana:

-W-well… now that you mention it…

-I uh, have been told in the past that I sometimes use too much force when I fight.

Kagero:

-I’m not sure that I follow. Surely force is a necessary element when it comes to battle?

Hana:

-It is. It’s just that… I attack with so much force that I burn out quickly.

-This is… difficult for me to admit, but I’d like to learn from you.

Kagero:

-You essentially want to learn how to pace yourself.

Hana:

-Yeah, that’s right!

-So, would that be too much to ask? To learn from you?

Kagero:

-Of course not, Hana.

-In fact, I think I know of a way to help. Let me just prepare for our first lesson.

Hana:

-Okay!

Hana:

-Okay, Kagero! I’m here for our lesson.

Kagero:

-Indeed you are. Thank you for coming. I know that it is sometimes difficult to leave your liege’s side.

Hana:

-That may be true, but she does have two retainers. Subaki is perfectly capable…

-…

Kagero:

-Yes?

Hana:

-On the other hand, this lesson might have to be quick.

Kagero:

-I see. Then I will shorten it appropriately.

Hana:

-Alright! So what exactly are we doing? I’ve got my katana sharpened and ready for anything!

Kagero:

-Your weapons will not be necessary.

Hana:

-What?! What kind of training can we do without weapons?

-Or do you mean we’re gonna be using the wooden sparring ones instead?

Kagero:

-This lesson is not about fighting and physical force. You already excel at that.

-You will be engaging in a simple thought exercise.

Hana:

-A… thought exercise? But how does that help?

Kagero:

-In order for you to pace yourself in battle, you must have the ability and patience to control your thoughts.

-This in turn helps you to monitor your actions.

-And I can see that this is something that you struggle to do.

Hana:

-What’s that supposed to mean?!

Kagero:

-Moments ago you told me that this lesson must be done quickly.

-To be able to pace yourself, you must accept the fact that not everything can be accomplished immediately.

-You must fight past the impulse to end a task as swiftly as possible.

-Some enemies must be worn down over a period of time.

Hana:

-I… I guess I see what you’re saying.

-When you battle, you don’t do too much damage with your strikes.

-But you persist, and eventually the enemy just can’t match your stamina.

Kagero:

-Essentially, yes.

Hana:

-Okay. And I guess you need to be honest with me if I’m going to improve at all.

-Then what are we waiting for? Let’s start thinking!

Kagero:

-Heh heh. Okay.

-Now then. Close your eyes and tell me the first thing you see…

Hana:

-Kagero? Why did you summon me here? Is this a follow up to our first lesson?

Kagero:

-Correct.

Hana:

-Good!

-That thought exercise helped calm me a little bit, but I’m not sure it’s helping as much as it could be.

Kagero:

-My apologies. I admit I was not entirely truthful with the purpose of our lesson.

Hana:

-What do you mean? Are you saying that all of that was pointless?

Kagero:

-No. Not pointless. The lesson did have its intended effect.

-It just had another result as well, one which I did not reveal to you. Until now.

Hana:

-Wha-?

Kagero:

-Here you are, Hana.

Hana:

-This is…?

Kagero:

-The scene you described to me in exquisite detail.

Hana:

-Kagero! It’s beautiful!

-The cherry blossoms, and the bright blue sky… the katana shining in the sunlight…

-It looks like you practically ripped the image out of the world and placed it on your canvas!

Kagero:

-I am glad that you approve. I do not have an aptitude for painting, but it soothes me.

Hana:

-Don’t have an aptitude? Kagero, I can’t believe you don’t display your art. It’s amazing!

Kagero:

-You flatter me.

-To be frank, I was somewhat apprehensive that you would find my painting… odd.

-Others in the past find that my aesthetic is harsh and confusing. Even frightening to some extent.

Hana:

-No way! I mean… hm… how do I explain this?

-It’s got… fire and passion behind it. I can see how much effort you put into each stroke.

-It’s not like traditional art, sure, but it’s full of life and vigor. It’s… refreshing really.

-And if other people can’t see that, then it’s their loss!

Kagero:

-Heh. Outspoken as always, I see. I’m not sure I deserve the praise, but thank you for it regardless.

-Now, I know what you think of my work, but how do you feel when you look at this painting?

Hana:

-Huh? Well… it grabs my attention. I feel… focused.

-Like… it makes me feel energized, but not in a frenzied way.

-I guess… I feel calm and motivated at the same time.

Kagero:

-I’m glad.

-You know, many people say that art is therapeutic.

Hana:

-I can see why!

Kagero:

-The point of this exercise was to see what was important to you. Hence imagining the first thing that came to mind.

Hana:

-I see.

Kagero:

-From this, I could tell what mattered most.

-The cherry blossoms represent your liege, correct?

Hana:

-Am I really that easy to predict?

Kagero:

-Heh. Sometimes. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, Hana.

Hana:

-Hmph.

Kagero:

-Moving right along…

-The blade represents your desire to protect her so that she can live safely and happily.

Hana:

-Of course. Don’t you wish the same for Ryoma?

Kagero:

-Without question.

-But now comes the final lesson.

Hana:

-Already? I thought you said that these things take time.

Kagero:

-I am glad that you remembered that.

-But make no mistake. This lesson will last for years to come.

Hana:

-What?!

Kagero:

-Every day, I would like you to look at this painting. Focus on it clearly, and let its calming presence wash over you.

-Then in battle, focus on the peace that you felt, and let it guide your actions.

-Eventually, this inner calm will become second nature, and you will be able to defend that which is most precious to you even more effectively.

Hana:

-Huh. I guess I can do that! Thanks Kagero! I think I understand now.

-And you’re sure you don’t mind letting me have this?

Kagero:

-I’d like nothing more.

Hana:

-Hey, Kagero. I’ve been wondering about something.

Kagero:

-Yes?

Hana:

-The painting that you gave me was focused, clear, and crisp.

-But looking around at your other works, a lot of them seem… well, the opposite of that.

Kagero:

-…

-Just as my painting helped to calm you, so too do these.

-Just in a different way.

Hana:

-I’m not sure I understand.

Kagero:

-My line of work involves a great deal of subterfuge.

-It’s not just our bodies that must remain concealed within the shadows. Many thoughts, opinions, and feelings never see the light of day.

-Especially those that make us feel vulnerable.

Hana:

-Kagero…

Kagero:

-That’s why many of my paintings are so… chaotic, for lack of a better word.

-I use them to express what I cannot. They help to calm the storm of emotions within my heart.

-But you Hana…

-You are open and honest about everything that you feel.

-Sometimes too much so.

Hana:

-H-hey!

Kagero:

-I truly admire that about you.

-In fact, I admire a great many things about you.

-I admire your optimism, your drive, and your undying loyalty to protect those you care about.

Hana:

-K-Kagero…

Kagero:

-The way you take everything to heart, and that you are earnest and direct in everything that you do…

-It’s nothing short of breathtaking to me.

Hana:

-…

-I… think I see what you’re getting at.

-And if you like simple and direct, then here you go.

Kagero:

-Hana? Why are you…?

Hana:

-On one knee? Easy. I’m proposing to you.

-Right now.

Kagero:

-H-Hana-!

Hana:

-I’d like to think that I’m not a completely open book.

-And it seems like I was able to hide one thing from you.

Kagero:

-You mean…?

Hana:

-Yeah, Kagero. I have feelings for you. Strong ones. Honestly, I’ve had them for a while.

-I’ve always been drawn to you because of your dominance on the battlefield.

-But after I spent time with you, I saw that you were more than just a strong warrior.

-You’re kind, patient, thoughtful, and always willing to help others.

-And honestly… really beautiful.

Kagero:

-Hana… I never realized…

Hana:

-W-well… *ahem* now you do.

-And like any true samurai, I am living my life completely and fully. I never go back on my word.

-So I mean what I say when I tell you… that I love you.

-Life is cruel and unforgiving, and I realize now that you feel that doubly so.

-With your blessing, I promise to respect and honor you, and to protect you from everything in this world that threatens to harm you.

-This ring… signifies that promise. Will you accept it, and allow me the honor of staying by your side?

Kagero:

-…

-Hana. That must have been one of the most romantic proclamations I’ve ever heard.

Hana:

-Heh. Thanks. To be honest, I rehearsed it a lot. And I mean a lot.

-Every day after training, actually.

Kagero:

-Well now, that must have taken some serious dedication. And I fear I could never be as eloquent as you.

Hana:

-You already were, Kagero!

-Everything that you said about me a few moments ago… and on the spot at that!

Kagero:

-Now that you mention it… my words may not have been completely impromptu.

Hana:

-R-really?

Kagero:

-Yes.

Hana:

-Wait. Yes to my question or yes to my proposal?

Kagero:

-Both. I love you as well, Hana. I would like nothing more than to live my life to the fullest with you at my side.

Hana:

-W-well then… great!

-…

-Uh, actually…I’ve been on one knee for a while now, and I’m kinda… stuck.

-Would you mind…?

Kagero:

-Of course. Take my hand, and we shall embark on a new journey together, no matter what life throws at us.

Hana:

-Yeah!

-…

-Thank you Kagero. For everything.

#submission #hana #kagero #this is so cute #thank you!#i'm glad someone finally appreciates kagero's art!#parry answers #thecorpulentbeagle

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