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crystal-the-axolotl · 1 year

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So apparently i've returned to yell about the ending of Tokyo Revengers...

(Warnings: Spoilers and a sligtly less mad Axolotl below the cut)

The one thing that annoys me most about this ending, is the fact that it could have been great, should have been great, but no, wakui messed it up royaly, and here's why in my humble dumbass opinion:

Yes, i'm still happy that they got an happy ending, BUT, the one thing that bothers me most in this, is the whole errasure of trauma that happened.

I'm sorry but hOW EXACTLY DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT TWO TWELVE YEARS OLD FIXED EVERYONE'S ISSUES, DEFECTIVE FAMILLIES AND MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEM, HOW THE FUCK???

I might actually believe the whole Kazutora stuff (in the extend that if Shin didn't die, then obviously his mental health would be greatly improved or clearly did not spiral down as it had before) and so the Baji not dying stuff as well, but no i will NOT accept any fixing of broken families, that is NOT something two kids who're not even part of them can do, this DOES NOT happen in real life. And okay, sure Tokrev asks you a lot of the time to suspend credibility (or whatever it's called in english, sorry i'm a mess) like no, Chifuyu and Mitsuya technicaly shouldn't be alive in a universe where half of the Sanos can get one shot by blunt force head trauma. But fine, i'll buy it.

I won't buy the whole happy bullshit though, because a real happy ending in Tokrev should have been these kids learning how to be happy and functional again after all the hurt, not wakui errasing all wrong that ever happened (i will never forgive him for making Kokonupi basically canon, having them finally come clean to one another, ready to finally have a healthy relationship and then pull this cheap trick and they're not even toghether in the happy ending, what the fuck)

What i also won't buy, is Mikey.

Second biggest problem to me, the entire last few chapters (basically the entire final battle arc after the Mikey/Takemichi faceoff and all of Shin's fucking flashbacks, who by the way, don't make any fucking sense but that's for a whole different issue)

Mikey snapped, completely, so no, i don't give a fuck about any of this, it makes no sense to me that simply going back in time is sufficient to fix his entire FUCKING STATE OF MIND.

We honestly know nothing of time travel, but as far as i gathered, Takemichi's mind, and all his difficulties stayed the same as his adult self when he went back in time. So why doesn't Mikey kept all his issues? Why does traveling back to 1998 somehow fixes everything?

So here's how i believe the time travel should have realisticaly went:

–Takemichi goes back in time alone (if Mikey follows it would be a mess because he's just the same as he was in 2008 and i don't believe that Takemichi's death was a miracle healing (by the way Mikey went completely nuts by the end of Tokrev and i don't mean his sanity, there was literally no need for the fucking final battle execpt the fact that Draken was dead and even then fuck the whole concept of his dark impulses that is absolute bullshit)) he tries to fix things with now the insight of all that happened and maybe prevents:

•Shinichiro's death because of the obvious

•Baji's death as well (should have been prevented in the first place, unfortunately Takemichi is a moron and forgot the whole Kazutora is gonna kill Baji plot two seconds in the Bloody Halloween battle for some reason...)

•Maybe the whole Black Dragon's arc goes even more smoothly

•If he befriends Kisaki the whole killing Hinata and ruining Mikey's life thing could be avoided, and by extention most deaths and issues of the actual entire fucking story (which is why i think it feels like such a cheap ending too, like what was the point of all this suffering if it could all be fixed in less than one chapter?)

–What he can't fix though is the fire (even if he somehow could help save Akane, the fire would still happen because man doens't have godlike powers and can't control unatural dissasters) as well as evey disfunctional relationship there is

–Even if the whole smile Haruchiyo doesn't happen for some reason, the Akashis will have to deal with their mess on their own, a kid can only do so much

–Same for the Shibas and even the Sanos (i believe it would still get to be better for Izana though because if Kisaki isn't on a world domination incel-induced trip and Shin isn't dead then there is no reason for the whole Tenjiku arc to happen the way it did)

–And last but not least, fuck Takehina, in this timeline she ends up with Kisaki because he learns how to actually asks someone on a date (sorry Hankisa stans)

(a spiteful part of me almost wish the story ended at Takemichi's death, that would have made more fucking sense)

Which brings me to my third point, fuck Takehina.

This ship is so fucking toxic (yes more than Kokonupi could ever be, i'm serious) and the age difference in the past is the least of its problems, trust me

First of all, the reason Hinata kept dying most likely was because she wouldn't get over a guy who dumped her twelve years ago and was stuck on him (at least after Takemichi went back in time, for all we know the original reason of her death could not even be related to Toman, especially Kisaki) and we even see Kisaki asking her in marriage (in the Tenjiku arc i believe) but girl still wants Takemichi

And it wouldn't be an issue in itself if she wasn't so stuck on the wrong Takemichi (like everyone else, in a way, you could argue) as in, future Takemichi.

She doens't give a shit about past Takemichi (who by the way is a terrible boyfriend so i can't blame her for that part) but she saw how he could actualy become, and then proceeded to spend twelve fucking years waiting for that guy. Not. Healthy.

Hinata started as a strong character, and then became stuck on one guy, completely throwing away her growth, making her stagnate as a person and loose her independence. And i don't think that's what love should be like.

So Takemichi isn't healthy for Hinata, he's basically the reason she kept dying. What about Hinata for Takemichi you might ask.

Well i don't think Takemichi actually gives a fuck about her (at least not in a romantic way)

I don't know if it's just that wakui can't write romance or that he really meant it this way but i have a similar issue with Drakema. There is no alchemy between these two and that is a huge problem considering they were intended as a romantic pairing. And such a shame really because it could have been a cute couple, and you can tell Draken genuienely cares for Emma, but god, where are the romantic feels?

Like, you might not agree with this (and i honeslty don't give a damn cause they are my favorite ship, yes i'm aware i'm problematic don't worry) but to me there is more alchemy between Draken and Mikey than Draken and Emma! Or even Draken and Mitsuya! I find it crazy that the only two canon straight ships are so bland and tasteless or even borderline toxic (because toxic doesn't just mean physical or mental abuse, it can also mean stopping the other from evolving and being their best version instead of ecouraging them to be better and being a good influnence on them) like take any not canon ship for example, like Mitsuya and Hakkai.

There are some elements that can be toxic (mostly Hakkai's endless admiration for Mitsuya who could turn out to be a problem i think) but these elements are actually pointed out in the story, as potentialy bad for their relationship (during the church fight Mitsuya acknowledges that his expectations of Hakkai might have put unnecessary pressure on him) and they actually evolve and progress individually, become more independent of the other (at least that's the impression this gave me) and grow together as well

Drakema only shows through character dialogue like ninety percent of the time (as in characters talking about how much they love each other but they almost never have any romantic interraction) and maybe i'm being of bad faith with this one because it might be mostly due to the fact that Draken is an idiot who never confesses and Emma is cleary shown multiple times to love him (though i'm still unconvinced about Draken, a lot of this feels like JK saying Dumbledore is gay and then people trying to grasp at strands only to realize there ins't gay Dumbledore in story, thank u and fuck off JK)

So back to Takehina (sorry for the sidetracking, my mind is a fucking maze and this is me trying to practice selfcontrol) worse than Drakema who's just bland to me, the ship is also so fucking problematic to me, like people yell all the time about the Akane thing, but how about that gal who is willing to wait twelve fucking years because this isn't the right Takemichi, what about tHAT GAL HUH?

And what about the guy who agrees to a fucking weddding but actually has feelings for another dude (because as much as Maitake is also so fucking problematic at least i can see why people ship it, there is the fucking alchemy Takehina apparently ate or something)

Also, let's talk about Shinichiro for like two seconds here. What. The. Actual. Fuck?

I know we basically knew nothing of him and that made it unfortunatelly very easy for wakui to come up with this mess that is Shin being a time traveler (okay, not a super bad idea, where you going with this?) Mikey having an accident (oh, more angst, sure feed me some) and then it goes to hell.

The whole old man thing (not really in character for what we knew of Shin, damn) Mikey's dark impulses as a form of punishment (good idea terrible execution in the way it was lost among alk the chaos of the last twenty/thirty chaps) Shin not giving a fuck about Haru murdering people (honorbale mention, because ableism is despicable, but Haru plz don't slash people with ur katana okay?) and probably the biggest crap, Shin passing down his power to Takemichi (like, it makes no sense in story because Shin was never at the scen at that time, and also why would u do that Shin? Why? He's just a kid, didn't u already traumatize Haru enough with ur bullshit?)

Like now i 100% blame Shin for everything that when wrong with Haru, like how is a kid supposed to be fine with all of this (i can only see two reasons for Haru to have known about the time traveling bullshit and that's either Shin telling him everything or him actually being og timeline Haru, in either cases, his head is screwed and that's Shin's fault)

I will share a maybe unpopular opinion right here, but hear me out first. I would have almost (and i can't stress this almost enough) prefered Shin to be revealed as the bad guy, than this entire flashback debacle and this fucking ending.

In all honesty, the final battle wasn't so bad (like the Kokonui reunion was so good, maybe the only good thing about it) but Mikey has been feeling so out of character for the entire final arc, that it kinda made no sense after the whole flashback thing started anymore (which is why, again, fuck traveling back to 1998 fixing Mikey's entire life AND mental health issues, fuck this so much)

So yeah, fuck the Takehina wedding, fuck this so called happy ending and fuck no Kokonupi content (which makes no sense, even if the fire didn't happen, they should still be close, even closer since the entire Akane situation is the reason the drifted away!! Goddamnit!) and fuck Mikey and Shin not making any sense for the entire final battle!

All in all, the concept for the ending could have worked, if wakui just had made an actual effort with this. Inupi isn't Inupi without his burn. Kazutora ins't Kazutora without his tiger tattoo. Haruchiyo isn't Haruchiyo without his scars (even though i'm glad he doesn't get them because fuck Mikey for this so much). This somehow feels disrespectful for the characters to take away all the trama like this (and i mean the ones that happened before 2005, i very much love that my fanged man is alive, that is one of the only good things about this ending really (and also Kakucho, but he should have never died in the firt place))

I think the timing with this was also an issue, one chapter before the end and everything is solved felt very forced. And it's weird because i know stories with this kind of miracle ending sometimes work, but they usually make the entire situation return to what it was like in the begining, whereas here, everything is infinetly better than it was at the start of the story and less than one chapter before it was a total mess. This was a terrible deux ex machina (more importantly, where the fuck was Takeomi, and why couln't he be the deus ex machina instead, that would have been infinitely more funny if nothing else)

Once again, i believe wakui should have ended his manga after the Tenjiku arc, or at least with the Bonten one, or just generaly, fuck the final arc.

I still persist in saying that people have made better fics with a similar concept, or even entire rewritings, overall saying fuck the bonten/final arc and going wild with it, and it actually worked!! This though, didn't, and i think there was many reason why; what i ranted i mean talked about here were just some of the things that annoyed me with the ending or that i felt were problematic to the story and weren't resolved at all even in this so called good ending (like, as much as i bitched about Takehina, i would be less salty about it if their relationship had developed into something more healthy, and also not a romantic one as well!! fuck the Takehina wedding seriously)

Well, i think i'm done here, don't forget that this is only ever my own opinion, based on my own interpretation of the story (i still ptetend that the final arc never happened because the end of it messed with so much theories and interpretations, that is almost funny in itself) and you're allowed to disagree with me (like i love cheese but i won't force feed people fourme de Montbrison just because i like it) just like i might disagree with you. I find it stupid to fight about a manga when there are other topics that are much more important and significant to daily life with opposing opinions that could use actual arguing to make things better (because actions are nice but it starts with talking about it)

I went a little serious here, but that's because i'm aware that what i just did (i.e. this entire post) is a huge waste of my time (it's okay it's the night and i have nothing else to do) and i could maybe spend it talking about more serious and impactful topics than the end of bloody Tokyo Revengers. But that will be for a day when i feel like actually getting defensive about something (i won't force feed you cheese but if you asume that i'm a girl, i will scream behid my computer/phone like a madman)

Have a nice day/night/evening, and stay safe– Mika

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firespirited · 1 year

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Station Eleven

I very nearly tapped out - at the end of episode 1, I was dissociating heavily, remembering [redacted paragraphs on paragraphs of stream of consciousness trauma-dumping].

So you know by now that I was burned out on the post apocalyptic genre by my teens due to the ableism, misogyny and really bungled racial metaphors... but reviewers that I trust said this was different. Even so, I was going to drop this... but... uh since I was mentally spiralling thought maybe I could break it by pressing "next" and getting engrossed in whatever comes up... and boom: there was a disabled person front and center, not a skilled killer or doctor or anything superskilled, a disabled actor playing a disabled actor thriving in the future. If that had been in episode 1, it would have had me at hello. If there hadn't been an episode 2 on my hard drive, I was going to watch Dark City.

It's a hard sell, ten hours of people working through the wreckage of a pandemic with multiple timelines and puzzle pieces? But it's done in a way that keeps you hooked and not with cliffhangers and 'this is going somewhere eventually' mystery boxes.

I'm not going to lie, I was ready to drop it again by the middle, the type of person these kids had become due to their circumstances was reverting to the classic imaginary dystopia "primal state" (once supposed to critique the present state of affairs but has become a lazy trope). And then in episode 7, they turn that on its head. Our protag finds a way to forgive the child she was and we realize there is going to be real growth. Not just compounded trauma: healthy dealing with past, present and future fears.

The final episodes were amazing. And worth the 6 first hours which are not a slog because the pacing's good but still quite the emotional toil. You will probably cry at least 10–20 minutes of the finale if not a full 30-40 like me.

Miranda's arc and art is the backbone and heart of this show, she's already seen the end of her world, a pandemic is just the latest mess. That resonated with me and I suspect will for many of you, the ones for whom the pandemic was a huge deal but also at least your third time on the merry-go-round of human apathy to outright cruelty, getting your heart broken by losing people you trusted and facing bureaucracies designed to break you. I relied not just on art but seeing people who'd already felt like their world had ended before and gone through it who took this seriously with compassion not individualism guiding their actions and words. "Little apocalypses" like betrayal or poverty or a body falling apart.

And that's the story really, the art of people who've felt the world collapse and managed to put that into words and metaphors, it carries us. Shakespeare is used to heal multiple people's emotional wounds in this story but so does Miranda and her graphic novel.

This is the part where you go to YOURNAME.tumblr.com/archive/2020/12/ and look to see if you talked about any media that helped you during lockdown.

I recommend Station Eleven if you're looking for a twist on the dystopia genre, if you're ready to do a little exorcism on things you might not have dealt with yet (because it's ongoing *shakes fist*) and like stories written by women about women that also have a wide diversity of scope. A post apocalypse with no rape threats, no coercive pregnancies, no religious compounds with harems, no selling sex for food or shelter.

If you'd like to imagine TLOU's Ellie finds family with a travelling music and theatre group, deals with her attachment issues, is friends with her ex-girlfriends, learns enough emotional maturity to help others in crisis. This might be for you.

As always check doesthedogdie as there is violence, there is pandemic imagery, there is emotional violence and mental illness, there is a cult of traumatized children and teens who've grown up without parents and ethical frameworks and they're completely unfazed by death: that's some tough subject matter.

#saf #movie reviews #and also tv #station eleven #long post

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pogueswrld · 2 years

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*•.¸♡ perpetual booms ♡¸.•*

pairing: jj maybank x fem!muslim!Arab! reader

summary: moving out of New York seemed to be a good idea to y/n's parents, thinking that moving to a small island was much better and safer after the incident. She was proven wrong anyway.

warnings: language, school shooting, death, unresolved trauma, spiraling mental health, mentions of a hot shower (I think that categorizes under self harm?? Idk), fear of loud noises, panic attack, mutual pinning, jj likes reader and he's not ashamed to admit it, 'I wish you were sober' moment, 'who did this to you' trope, the pouges being completely oblivious to reader's trauma and jj apologizing for triggering her. unedited :)

note: okay so I made this with an incredibly detailed idea of the reader but please feel free to adjust it to whichever way you want, it can also be poc!reader cuz I never mentioned reader looks but don't pm me telling me that you don't like the idea or the writing of it or the concept overall I really dgaf what you think :) anyway!! this was kinda intense 🧍‍♀️ HELP I WROTE SOME SCENES THEN I GOT A BIT CARRIED AWAY.... smfh

This whole thing was inspired by the movie 'the fallout' I 100% recommend watching.I am grateful to have never experiencing a school shooting seeing that I am not American but if I portray anything wrongfully please tell me, I would love to be educated on the matter :)

The weather was the first indicator of how the day would go, with the sun completely gone from the sky are massive clouds floating about carrying forming water droplets, y/n knew she was going to have her mood bummed out.

First of all, it was windy. Which meant she was going to have to wear a cotton hijab and a shitton of bobby pins to secure it in place. Secondly, she's probably going to have to walk to school, which is awful as it is.

With a sigh, she walks away from the window in her bedroom, making sure the curtains cover the glass before changing into her outfit for the day.

She was wearing a long-sleeved black turtle neck and matching cargo pants, an ivy green button-up over the long-sleeve shirt to cover her chest and she made sure to tuck the ends of her hijab into the shirt and use bobby pins to secure it to her clothes just to make sure it doesn't get in the way── or so people don't try to tug it off her head.

She wears silver jewelry to add a simple touch to her look before grabbing her bag and making it down the stairs to meet up with her parents in the kitchen.

They seemed to be in a rush, and that was all the confirmation she needed about walking to school.

"Morning," Her mother greeted her, she too was in her hijab, and she looked like an older version of y/n. She sips on her coffee as y/n father smiles at his daughter, "Ready to go?"

y/n hums, grabbing a vegan energy bar from the cabinet before stashing it in her bag. "Will one of you be driving me?" she already knew the answer, but she didn't want them to worry.

Her mother tilts her head apologetically, "I'm so sorry sweetheart, I got this deal with a landlord on a house off the coast and let's just hope everything goes smoothly." she rolls her eyes, y/n had no doubt it's the same guy that claimed her mother tried to 'burn down the house' he had put up for sale, ridiculous.

"Dad?" she tried not to sound too hopeful, but her voice betrays her. "Sorry kid, I gotta drive your mom to her office and get to work, we're already running late 'cause she doesn't want to finish the damn coffee."

Y/n shakes her head and giggles at their banter, then she's pressing a kiss to their cheeks before heading out the door. "Do you have your pepper spray on you?" Her mother calls out just as she reaches the door, "Yes, I also have my teaser. I'm gonna be fine mom, I promise. Love you!"

"Love you too! Be careful."

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y/n was scared shitless. It was like all the civilians of New York choose today to go out and about like it's not six am on a damned Tuesday.

One of the main things the hijabi girl dispised about living in America, in general, was the fact that she's unable to walk down the street without feeling a stranger's eyes pour into her figure, either in curious stares or hateful glares, it didn't matter.

She manages to keep to herself though, her eyes never making eye contact and always looking sharp. She never stopped for anything and didn't check her phone as it dings with notifications from her friends. She couldn't afford the luxury of walking freely like everyone else.

Another thing y/n hated was school. She genuinely believed that she was better off without and the only reason she was attending in the first place is just to see her friends. That's kind of sad but it's the truth, she's never been allowed to see them anywhere other than school. It's one of her parents' many, many rules.

Her shoulders relax when the educational building comes to view and she hurries towards the entrance, eager to get off the dangerous New York streets.

She's twenty minutes early to the first class bell, so she makes it to her locker and pulls out the notebooks and textbooks she would need for her first three classes, it makes it a lot easier for her this way, she gets to spend more time with her friends and less time roaming the halls by herself.

When she closes her locker a familiar friendly face meets her with a grin and she had to gasp to bite down a squeal of surprise. Her best friend, Viola, laughs loudly and shamelessly at her and y/n rolls her eyes at her. "How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that!"

"You still make that face!" the brunette girl cackles and y/n breathes a light chuckle, her hand slightly nudging Viola's shoulder in a teasing matter.

"So, what are you doing later today?" Viola asks as she pulls on her bag's straps and y/n sends her an exaggerated stare, "Really?" Viola purses her lips and holds back another laugh, "Right. Okay well, how about this? I come over tonight and we can study for that chemistry quiz coming up next Friday, yeah?"

y/n only shrugs, "Sure, why not?" the girls share a brief hug before separating ways to their assigned classes, promising to meet in between classes to walk to their next shared class.

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y/n hated it when classes dragged on, and she hated it even more when the teacher kept repeating the same part of the lesson over and over again. She felt like her head was about to explode from boredom.

With a deep silent sigh, the girl pressed on her black pen and sketched a little spider web to the top corner of the textbook's page, she was so focused on it that when the paper that rested on her table came into view, it took her completely by surprise.

Her head shot up to the general direction it came from and her eyes met those of Avron Blake, the captain of the athlete team, and he smiles at her with a slight wave of his hand. She doesn't respond, only glances back down to the paper and sees her name written on it in awful handwriting.

Her hand clutches around the piece of paper, crumbling it into her fists and she brings it below the table, she quickly opens it and her eyes scan the words and then she's quickly crumbling it back into a ball and stashing it within the drawer in her desk.

You got my homework?

She doesn't meet his eyes for the rest of the period, and when the bell rings she's bolting out of the class before he manages to corner her or catch up with her.

Y/n had no recollection of ever agreeing to do Avron Blake's homework for him, so she guesses that Viola got in trouble with him again and she promised him that y/n would do his homework for him. Even though Viola never told her about that.

she sees her best friend by her locker and she's pursing her lips at her with a mean glare, "You told Avron I'd be doing his homework for him?" realization quickly flashes behind Viola's eyes followed by guilt, "Oh my God, did he talk to you? Y/n I am so sorry-"

"You can't keep doing this Viola!" y/n groaned, her eyes repeatedly glancing down the corridor to see if Avron or his group of jocks would chase her down or not. "I know, I'm sorry! I didn't tell you about it because I did his homework, I just wasn't expecting him to actually talk to you about it." Viola holds up a stack of four or so pages in her hand as she smiles apologetically at her best friend.

Still pouting, y/n shakes her head at the girl. "Whatever, give it to him before he comes back hunting my ass down for this shit."

"Yes ma'am."

Viola walks down the corridor and y/n rolls her eyes, then she's going through her bag as she heads for her second class of the day.

She pauses outside the cafeteria door when she realizes her physics notebook is not in her bag and y/n squeezes her eyes shut in annoyance before sending a silent curse in Viola's name. Throwing her head back in an exaggerated sigh, the girl looks into the cafeteria to catch glimpses of kids who are already in their spare classes. A slight twinge of jealousy erupts through her and y/n presses her lips together into a thin line.

Then she hears it, right from within the room, she was looking into right now. A loud bang echoes through the halls and everyone freezes for a moment, "What the fuck was that?" it was a simple question passed between them, and then another bang erupts and someone starts screaming somewhere.

The confusion that filled her was quick to wash off when y/n realizes just exactly what it was. There was a guy in the cafeteria, and he was holding up a gun. He repeatedly pulled at the trigger and she could see the kids flying out the doors as some others bled on the floor. Her mind raced and her body froze, but as the kids pushed out of the door in front of her, she was encouraged to run down the same corridor she just came through.

Remembering that Viola was also walking down this exact hall, y/n's face paled. She frantically looks around and calls out for her best friend, but then another bang comes from somewhere nearer. Except for the ones at the cafeteria never stopped.

Her heart stops when she realizes; there was more than one guy.

The reality of the situation was extremely difficult to grasp, and y/n struggled to breathe as an injured kid crawled back to the hall she stood in in hopes of hiding from his murderer. Tears roll down her face as her entire body trembled and a soft clank from the door beside her made her jump.

The shots from the hallway grow closer and y/n was certain this was her end. She was going to die here, in school, in the hallway, at the hands of a boy that couldn't possibly be any older than she was. But her body moves quickly as it jitters, and it pulls open the door to the room before pulling it closed behind her. She made sure to close it as quietly as possible and then click the lock on it.

Whoever she was stuck with now was going to have to bare her broken-down presence.

When she looks behind her at her hiding spot companion, y/n almost wishes she never came in. But then the thought disappears as quickly as it forms because a choked sob makes it out of her throat and she muffles it with her hand.

It was Viola, on the floor, with tears running down her face and her hands holding onto her torso, her clothes and floor and body covered with the crimson liquid that once gave her life, now draining her of it.

"Oh, my God? oh my God. Oh God- Viola?" Her voice represents the state of her mind and body, it felt like the whole building was shaking, but it was actually just y/n's entire body. From her wobbling legs to her heaving gasping chest, the teenager swallows whatever noise threatens to come out of her throat as she kneels beside her best friend, the girl that stood beside her through thick and thin, her best friend. Her only friend.

She has no idea what to do. As her mind blanks out and every rational thought escapes her, y/n is left to cradle the girl and whisper sweet lies into her forehead as the shots ceased and the screams quieten, until sirens fill the air and orders were given.

y/n keeps a hold on Viola as they get pulled out of the room and into safety, she keeps a hold on her best friend as people in blue try to talk to her, as the warm welcome embrace of her mother and father engulfs her and tries to soothe her, but it didn't matter.

It didn't matter because y/n had witnessed the life in her best friend's eyes disappear as she lay in her arms, her ears still ringing from the gunfire and horrifying screams of kids dying or being shot at left and right, of the gasps and cries of Viola as she took her last breathes.

y/n got so overwhelmed that nothing mattered anymore.

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Whatever happened after she was pulled out of the janitor's closet was a complete blur to y/n, she doesn't remember being separated from Viola, she doesn't remember anyone trying to talk to her, she doesn't remember her mother's relieved cries or her father's thankful's embrace. She doesn't remember making it home or getting clean off the blood that was stuck to her like a second skin, but she does remember laying in bed, staring at the ceiling of her bedroom as everything came crashing down onto her like waves of anguish, one furious roll after another pushing her under.

Her chest clenches and she wants to scream, she wants to cry and hyperventilate and tear out her hair, she wants to cut through his throat and pull the gun's trigger, making him feel exactly what her best friend felt in her last moments of this earth beside her, in her arms.

Instead, she lays awake at night, the familiarity of her sheets itching disgustingly at her skin but she doesn't move, she lets the uncomfortableness sink within her as a single tear rolls down the side of her face.

Her mind was hazy, still unable to completely process the traumatic events inflicted upon her when Viola's mother came knocking at their door two weeks later. She was broken. An absolute wreck as she did her best to put words together that meant an invitation for her family to attend Viola's funeral and memorial.

When her mother told her about it, y/n blinked at her. And it was the first emotion she's seen in her daughter in three days. Her mother almost burst into tears right there, but the quiver of y/n lip told her that this wasn't the time for her feelings, it was a chance for her daughter to display some of her own.

"Y/N? Sweetheart, are you alright?"

Suddenly realizing that Viola, —sweet, radiant, lively, lovely Viola— is dead had y/n glancing down at her hands. It's like she can still feel the dried blood on her hands, damping her clothes, she can still hear her silent cries and dying gasps, she can feel her warmth disappear and her heart freezing.

y/n's chest is heaving and her mother is near tears again, she sits beside her daughter and pulls her closer to her chest as she cries and sobs through the night.

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y/n wishes she could say that attending Viola's funeral gave her some sort of closure, but if anything it fueled her already distraught state.

She stood beside Viola's mother, giving hugs to condolence women and shaking the hands of absolute strangers, people sympathizing with the family and sending pitty stares to the girl in the hijab after learning that the girl in the coffin died in her arms.

It was hell, absolute torture, and when she was offered the chance to leave and go home, y/n didn't hesitate.

Sitting at the dinner table with her parents couldn't be more awkward, not like she even noticed. They share worrisome glances with each other as y/n pushes her food around her plate absentmindedly, and when she was tired of it, she gets up to seclude herself in her room.

They don't move, they don't speak, they just hold hands and pray that their daughter will find a way to come back to them somehow, someday.

The shower water was burning, steam flowing in the bathroom and fogging up the mirror, y/n doesn't seem to notice, or maybe she does but she chooses to ignore it. She's sitting on the ground, her knees pressed to her chest as best as she could, the hot droplets meeting her bare back causing her skin to turn a painful red, but she doesn't mind it.

She's grown accustomed to the emptiness within her, within her chest and her mind, the four walls of her bedroom are all she's comfortable with and she realizes that every time she leaves the front door of her house, there's a silent prayer leaving her lips, one that she repeats at least five times a day with each Salah.

She's fully aware that this isn't something praying would fix, it's not something she can manifest away, so she was stuck in this repetitive loop of feeling everything, crying, then immediately going numb.

It was better than feeling absolutely nothing all of the time.

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A few days later, y/n knew something was up with her parents when all they did was share glances and drink their coffee in silence.

They were generous enough to allow her to not go back to school immediately, but she knew it was coming up eventually. It had already almost been a month and the only time she ever left the house was when she was taking out the trash or for Viola's funeral. Every day other than that was spent in her bedroom.

She puts down her mug of fresh juice and folds her arms, "What is it?" she asks, her arm movement causing the hijab thrown carelessly over her head to expose a bit of her tied-up hair. She pulls the fabric over her head again and keeps a steady stare at her parents, her face completely emotionless.

Her mother was the first to open her mouth then close it, then open it again. "Your dad and I have been thinking—"

"No. I'm not going back to school."

Her dad shakes his head, "No of course not honey, that's not what we wanted to talk to you about." He glances at her mother and gives her a meaningful stare and she sighs, placing her mug on the table.

"Your father and I wanted to tell you that we... Are moving."

The news didn't seem to faze her, she simply blinked and furrowed her eyebrows, "To where?"

y/n's mother holds her daughter's shoulders and smiles softly at her, "Remember that deal I told you about? With the mean landlord?"

The teenager hums and her mother grins, "I got it and we bought it, it's a little house, perfect for the three of us, away from New York. What do you think?"

The girl shrugs, "Okay but where?"

"On a little island in North Carolina, Outer Banks. Life seems to be pretty cheap there and you get to be away from... All of this mess." his finger carelessly points at their house.

Very aware of the fact that she doesn't really have much of a choice as they've already made up their minds and started preparing for the move, y/n nods. She tries to pass it off as a happy nod, but truly she feels nothing, she just wants to give them a bit of peace of mind.

She had another nightmare that night, except it was one of the shootings instead of Viola this time. Her heart hammered within her chest as her lungs begged her to breathe, her hand slamming against her mouth to muffle whatever screams wanted to escape her to not wake up her parents as tears pricked at the corner of her eyes.

Nightmares were a reoccurring event but it was completely out of y/n's control, so all she could be go to bed and pray that she makes it through the night without having to scream or better yet, not have to wake up at all.

At least in this dream, she wasn't the one left to the very end to die.

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Outer Banks was so much different than New York, y/n's first giveaway was the humid weather that caused her to wheeze with each step she took further into the island.

The house her mother managed to get for them was small, it was built more like a cabinet, with three bedrooms and a bathroom, a kitchen, and a small living room. It was very different than the large two-story house she's lived in New York, but it'll have to do.

The bedroom her parents assigned for her was already furnished, with a soft earth colors theme and a white bed, y/n presses her lips together when she realizes that it doesn't make a difference to her.

It's truly upsetting, she wished she was more excited, she wished she was at least a bit upset that her desk wasn't the same color as the shelves on her wall, she wished she was embarrassed about the stuffed animals decorating her bed, but she really felt nothing at all.

Putting on a forced, fake smile, the girl walks back out to her parents and gives them the most enthusiastic thumbs-up she could master.

Another thing she's been so off about is hugging or touching anyone, especially those she cares about. She hasn't been able to bring herself to hug or leave a kiss to either one of her parents so she settled on distant approval.

"Can I check out the beach?" It was right in front of the house, y/n counts it as a perk. New York didn't have beaches, and this gives her the perfect opportunity to wear a silk hijab and a head cover underneath it.

The request took her parents by surprise and they were nodding at her, almost pleadingly, and she smiles at them.

She doesn't bother to change out of her clothes, simply pulling on her shoes before walking out and heading towards the warm sand and massive waves heading towards the shore before her house.

It was beautiful. The sun was out and about, sending waves of warmth and calm to everyone it came across, the waves of the ocean gathered as it neared the shore and then crashed down onto the sand, rising towards the girl but barely touching her bare toes.

She takes a deep breath and the scent of salty water and beach floods her senses, for the first time in weeks, an emotion passes through her. It makes her gasp and snaps her closed eyes open, then she's taking another deep breath and letting it come back.

Calm. She was calm and stress-free exactly where she was. In here there was no shooting, and there was no death. In here she can pretend that she's on the phone with Viola and the girl was talking about her newest obsession, she can pretend that her life wasn't so plain and that she wasn't so trauma inflicted.

But then there's the anxiously loud sound of laughter, and her happy little bubble is bursting. She opens her eyes and glares at the group of teenagers that walk past her. Three boys, one girl. They're all shirtless, and the girl is in a bikini. Suddenly y/n is reminded that she doesn't belong here, or anywhere for that matter.

Her oversized clothing looked like they were about to devour her, and still clad in black she was. Nothing colorful felt right at the moment, so she settled into whatever called for her. Black.

Her eyes snap away from them when the blonde boy catches her staring at them. He mutters something to his friends and they all laugh, they all turn towards her and she wishes she could disappear.

They don't approach her, but they're fully aware of the fact that she was still watching them. They talk harshly to one another for a minute, then the boys are rushing into the water to chase a wave with their boards.

She doesn't pay them much attention as her eyes are diverted toward a little crab walking the length of the beach.

She's almost tempted to reach out for the sea creature, letting its club at her hand, but she pulls her feet towards her when he passes by her and she watches it walk away.

"Hey," a voice calls out and y/n looks up to the source, it's the brunette girl. She presses her lips together and gives her a short, quick wave. She wasn't in the mood to talk.

The girl doesn't seem to get that as she approaches her, her eyes squinting against the sunlight and her skin glows a golden brown. "I'm Kie."

Feeling extremely awkward, the hijabi girl smiles at her. "y/n."

"It's nice to meet you, y/n." with furrowed eyebrows, y/n tries not to make this interaction any weirder than it has to be. "Nice to meet you too?"

Finally picking up on the uncomfortableness in the air, Kie points at the boys in the water. "They saw you staring earlier and wanted to impress you," She laughs and y/n's cheeks flush, suddenly her neck and ear heat up and she chokes on a forced laugh, "Um- okay? I'm sorry, I'm not really interested. They seem good though."

Kie nods and takes a seat beside the girl but purposefully giving her space, she glances at the blonde boy riding a wave and points at him with her chin. "That's JJ, he's the best surfer in Outer Banks."

y/n follows her eyes sight and finds the boy with the golden locks on the water, he's bent over as he balances himself on his board and rides out a large wave.

"He's pretty." Kie laughs, "Yeah he thinks he's pretty too." and y/n chuckles.

She doesn't notice, but this is the first time she's laughed since the shooting, and it makes her heart warm.

Kie keeps her eyes on the girl, then she's tilting her head. "Are you new around here? I don't think I've ever seen you around these parts before."

y/n nods, her bottom lip caught between her teeth nervously, "Yeah, my family and I moved her just this morning."

"Really? Where from?"

"New York." y/n cringes and Kie's eyes widen, "New York?! That's awesome. I've never seen a New Yorker before, that must be so cool."

A hesitant chuckle escapes y/n, "I'm not- I'm not from New York, I just moved here from there."

A soft 'oh' leaves Kie, "Where are you from?"

"Uhh, Middle East. It's somewhere between Europe, Asia, and Africa. Like right in the middle." Kie grins at the girl, suddenly a million times interested in her. "That's so cool, why'd you move to America? It's not the best country in the world."

y/n shrugs, "Parents got job offers, it be like that sometimes."

It was silent for a moment, then Kie scrambles off and y/n pressed her lips together, frustrated with herself. Great, she thinks to herself, can't even make friends anymore.

"Dr. Pepper or Pepsi?"

her head shoots up to meet the curly-haired girl's eyes and she smiles a genuine smile, her chest warms and her shoulder relax.

Maybe moving out of New York wasn't a bad idea after all.

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The temperature outside was hot as hell, so y/n was forced into some light-colored clothes to relieve her of the heat. She wore a short-sleeved beige t-shirt with a brown striped flannel on top and beige pants that tightened her waist and ankles. She matched her silk brown hijab with them and pulled on her vans.

She would have successfully managed to leave the house without getting yelled at had she not tried to grab her purse from the living room.

"y/n?!" her mother's voice called for her from deep in the living room, she walks in with wide unreadable eyes, and y/n cringed into herself, "Yes?"

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To meet up with a friend?" she would hardly call Kiara a friend, more like the only person she knows on this whole island, but she'd do whatever just to leave these confining walls.

Her mother hesitates for a moment, "You've made a friend already?"

With raised eyebrows and pursed lips, y/n nods. "Mhm, we met just the other day. On the beach. She's invited me for lunch so," She points a thumb at the door behind her as she slowly steps towards it, sneakily trying to leave her mother's grasp before she tells her that she's not allowed to leave at all but what she does surprises her.

Her mother asks her to wait then she's rushing into her room, then she comes back a few minutes later with her wallet. y/n's eyebrows almost hide in her hijab from how high they've risen as her mother places a hundred-dollar bill in her hand. "Have fun and please be careful."

She doesn't reply, only turns around and rushes out the door. She feared if she stayed a moment longer she might break down and cancel leaving altogether.

Kiara didn't actually invite her for lunch, but she told her to meet up with her in a seafood restaurant. y/n didn't question her, seizing whatever opportunity thrown at her to leave her house.

It wasn't difficult to find Heyward's, seeing as it is literally the only restaurant on the island that provided seafood to the people. The smell of fish, both raw and cooking, invaded her nose and she almost gagged.

Her eyes scanned the crowd and settled on the head of tied-up curls, Kiara notices her presence and calls out for her to join her. Except she wasn't alone.

y/n walks over to her table, both her hands clutching to the strap of her purse as she pressed her lips together and gave a short-lived awkward wave to the boys manspreading on their chairs. She wasn't comfortable, not even a little bit.

Kiara stands up, "Hey, uhh— these are my friends! You know JJ," she points slightly at the shagged haired blonde boy who raised his eyebrows in surprise at his friend's statement, then she points to the other two. "That's John B and Pope."

John B had a backward cap on his head and an overused shirt on his body, and Pope wore a navy blue shirt with a light blue flannel on top. He sends her a soft wave with a welcoming smile and it puts her at ease, just for a moment.

"What's with the..." JJ trails off as he points to her hijab, his eyebrows furrowed in genuine confusion and Kiara widens her eyes at him dramatically, "JJ!" she turns to y/n, "I am so sorry, please ignore him."

y/n chuckles silently, "It's okay, it's my hijab, does it bother you?"

JJ shrugs carelessly and shakes his head, "No it's just weird."

"You're weird." she turns to her friend, "I told my mom I'm having lunch with you so I guess you're stuck with me for the rest of the day." she smiles sheepishly and Kiara, "That's totally fine, my parents are at work today so it's just gonna be the two of us."

"Can I join?" JJ pipes up and both girls turn to him with sharp eyes, "No." he jumps back slightly and blinks at them once, "Jeez, fine. No need to be so aggressive about it."

y/n rolls her eyes at him and grabs a chair from a nearby table and sets it right next to Kiara, making sure to put a noticeable distance between herself and Pope.

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Being friends with Kiara and her 'pogue' friends was so much fun y/n realized, she's been spending a lot less time at home huddled by her parents and more with Kiara, either by the beach or near John B's house.

y/n made it crystal clear she wasn't going to his house with them under any circumstances, no matter how hard they tried to sway her, she had her feet planted.

They respected that enough to spend time with her by the lake where their boat was. The pouges spent most of their time drinking beer and getting high while y/n sat a bit away with her favorite soda and a bag of fries. It was the next best thing.

She couldn't mingle with them, and she couldn't risk the smell of alcohol and weed getting stuck on her which would eventually lead to her parents believing that she was going down the wrong road and hanging out around the wrong crowd.

She was getting better mentally, her desire to spend all day in bed was slimming as her need to disappear was barely making an appearance in her head. She didn't want to face her parents, and the idea of going back to school kept her awake at night, but at least her nightmares weren't as intense as they used to be.

It's been weeks and school ended, summer break gracing everyone with its presence but it was passing rather quickly. y/n had managed to spend a few days in the beach water while the rest of her days were spent in Kara's house or by John B's.

The light difference about tonight is the fact that she was, indeed, in John B's backyard. How'd she ended up here? Kiara dragged her.

The boys told them that the drinks container was broken which meant that their beers and her sodas were going to be hot by the time they get to the lake, so they were forced to go to John B's Cheatu.

"Ayyee," the tanned brunette greeted the girls with a wide grin, "Bienvenido a mi casa!"

y/n pretended to cringe at him, "Your Spanish is horrible," she let out a breathy giggle, leaning on the door frame as they settled in the living room. "Where's the soda you dragged me all the way over here for?"

John B's house was an absolute mess, the living room was trashed with clothes, cans, beer bottles, and leftover food packages.

Not wanting to be rude, y/n diverted her gaze to the boys taking up all the space around the room; JJ lay on the couch, leaving zero room for anyone else, Kiara sat on an armchair while John B and Pope shared the other couch.

John B raised his arms exaggeratedly, "Oh come on y/n! Stay a little while, would it really hurt?"

She raises her eyebrows, "The fact that I'm in a dude's house without an adult's supervision? Yeah actually, it would."

Kara's shoulders dropped at her gloomy mood, "Oh y/n, please? We'll tell your parents you've been with me the entire time and that you're safe."

"That won't bring them peace of mind, Kie. They will hunt me down and keep me in the house for the rest of my life, are you ready for that?"

She shares a look with JJ and he sends her a pointed glance, a silent conversation passing between them. "That will happen if they find out, which they don't have to." The mere suggestion almost made y/n turn around and leave altogether, "You want me to lie to my parents?"

It was JJ the turned to her with surprise, "You don't lie to your parents?"

"No! Of course not, because if I do they won't trust me, and if they don't trust me then I'm grounded for the rest of my life over inconvenient shit."

Pope was nodding in understanding and Kiara walked up to her, holding her hands, "I promise you won't be grounded. I promise you, okay? I'll beg your parents if I have to but stay a while, y/n. You're so hard on yourself with these things, it's literally nothing."

She had her reasons, but they wouldn't understand because they weren't raised the same way she was, she knew that. And she knew she should plant her feet and turn around and walk home, but as she glanced outside and noticed the setting sun, a shiver ran down her spine. y/n faced Kiara and nodded hesitantly.

She'd have to call her dad to pick her up in an hour's time.

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It wasn't as bad as she thought she'd be, they gathered in the Cheatu's backyard when she agreed to stay, and that's where they lit a fire and shared jokes and tales. John B opened up to her about his missing father and Pope talked to her about his desired academic future which she related to on many levels.

It's funny, she really wanted to have a bright future but the mere thought of going back to school made everything that would come after it ridiculous and totally not worth it.

She never told him that of course, she didn't tell any of them anything, and maybe she should've, but she really couldn't bring herself to even think about that day nor care enough to let them know about it.

Maybe she should've focused more on her surroundings but after the long conversation with Pope, y/n started feeling tired so she pulled out her phone and texted her parents if they were free to pick her up from a 'friend's gathering', her father was the one to reply and ask her for the location.

When she looked up from her phone, trying to seem unsuspecting, she noticed just how close JJ sat to her, his blue eyes unblinking as he stared at her, his beer long forgotten but she can still smell it on him.

Her relationship with JJ was a strange one, although she kept her distance most of the time, it didn't stop her from joining their conversation or flirting with him specifically.

And even though he flirted back with her, she always made sure to let him know that they were all simply just friends and they could never be anything more.

It never stopped him from trying though.

She raises a single brow at him with a smirk pulling at her lips, she sinks deeper into her chair and leans her head on the edge of the chair, "Whatcha starin' at Maybank?"

He shrugs, "You." She hums, "Do you like what you see?" He nods shamelessly and heat rises up her neck to her cheeks, she prays it's dark enough to cover it. She removes her eyes from his, too busy trying to bite back a smile to keep eye contact with him.

"I like you, y/n." the words caused her to bark a laugh, "Woah there, you don't even know me JJ." He shrugs, "I know some things about you, and I'd like to get to know you better if you'd let me."

"And if I don't let you?" He shrugs again, "I'd still try to get to know you." y/n fakes a gasp, "Without my consent? That says a lot about JJ." He almost rolls his eyes but smiles at her, "I like the way you say my name."

Not saying a word, y/n realizes that this isn't really him, that's the alcohol boost in him. She presses her lips together and sighs as she gets up, her hand almost reaches out for him but she holds back, eventually, she lets her fingertips brush against his shoulder as she walks away.

"Get some sleep JJ."

Her words, along with feeling her touch for the first time, sober him enough to stare after her retreating figure, JJ furrows his eyebrows with parted lips at the realization of his fast-beating heart. He blinks once, twice, three times then turns to his friends. They're all busy chatter between them about something he couldn't bring himself to get invested in so instead he sinks into his chair and rests his head on the edge of it, repeating the girl in the hijab's actions, he releases a breath into the night.

"Holy shit y/n."

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She almost did get grounded for staying at the Cheatu but when she brought up Kiara's presence, all was forgiven. Her father told her that if she ever did want to go back there, Kiara would have to be with her at all times.

She agreed of course, which is how she ended up at the Cheatu this afternoon. It was a few days after her interaction with JJ and the blonde boy doesn't seem to even remember it happening, it stung just a but what was she really expecting? A seemingly perfect American blonde boy to be actually interested in her? A dream. Nothing more nothing less.

She called Kiara and told her that she was at the Cheatu, waiting for them. Kiara informed her that she, Pope, and John B would be running just a bit late because Pope's father insisted that he finishes his chores before tagging along. She let them be, of course, telling her that she'll be waiting for them when they get back.

She wanders around the Cheatu, checking every room, and admiring the mess. John B's was a bit more put together than the guest room she'd grown to learn that it belonged to JJ most of the time. She never really knew why JJ spent most of his time at the Cheatu and she didn't bother to think too much about it, instead, she continues on her way and pauses in front of Big John's office door. Not wanting to invade her friend's privacy, y/n turns around and walks out to the backyard.

She hears the roar of an engine and her head shoots up in surprise and worry, Kiara said they'd be home late so there shouldn't be anyone here yet.

She gets up and walks towards the house but hides beside the door, glancing inside, y/n holds back a gasp at the sight of JJ walking in with a limp in his step and groans spilling off his lips as he lays on his couch. One of his hands rests on his ribs while the other slightly caress his bruising cheekbone.

Recognizing that she is in no danger, y/n opens the screen door and stares at JJ with concern, "JJ what the hell?"

At the sound of her voice, JJ jumps. He looks at her with surprise and then groans when another wave of pain washes over him. She's quick to react, her hands reaching out to him and gently pushing him back down on the couch.

He's beyond surprised, and he keeps glancing between her hands on his skin and her face confused, concerned face. "Who did this to you, Jay? Did you get in a fight with someone?" He doesn't reply, he can't, not with the way she pulls up his shirt and inspects the damage done to his ribs. Her fingertips trace the blueish-purple bruising and he hisses, she goes to pull away her hand but he's quick to hold it.

She gulped when she realizes he was holding her hand, then she meets his eyes and he was smiling at her ever so slightly, "You touched me," he stated matter-of-factly, "Because you're hurt, why are you hurt JJ?"

He ignores her question completely and repeats himself. With a sigh, y/n pushes herself away from him and walks deeper into the house. For a moment JJ thinks he might have fucked up and scared her away, but then she walks back in with a first aid kit and his heart runs with the wind.

She's cursing under her breath in a language he doesn't understand, and she forces him to stay still as she cleans off the blood of the cuts on his lips and forehead, then she proceeds to put a bandaid on them and try her best to ease the pain in his bruises, but she was no nurse and all she could offer was pain killers and pray he didn't break anything.

He sits up beside her and she's got her arms folded, still staring at him with a stoic face. "You're gonna tell me what caused this?"

He shrugs then winces, "My dad." he says simply and she presses her lips together, she doesn't need any more explanations, this was more than enough. Then she feels bad about asking in the first place and she's apologizing. "It's fine, you didn't know."

It was silent for a moment, then he's grinning at her like a fool, "You touched me." knowing she was never going to hear the end of it, y/n gets out of the couch and sits in the armchair across from him, "Don't flatter yourself Maybank."

He leans back and keeps his grin in place, "I meant what I said, you know," her heart almost skips a beat but she keeps her stare steady on him, "When I said I like you, I meant it. I do like you, and I would love to get to know you."

She shakes her head, "To what end?"

"What?" He asks, confused.

"To what end? I let you get to know me, and then what?"

He takes a moment to think about it, "What do you want?"

"I can't have what I want, not with you at least." It hurt the both of them, for her to say that and for him to hear it, but it was necessary. She knew he needed to hear this before he got any ideas before he got bolder with her before he thought about doing anything.

But what y/n didn't know about JJ, is that he's one stubborn man. "Why not?"

She scoffs, "Because, we're different, we're too different. Knowing guys like you, you wouldn't dare try to change yourself for me JJ, and I wouldn't ask you to because I wouldn't change myself for you either. That in itself should be enough."

He stares at her, unmoving and without a word, and when the engine of John B's car rings in their ears, JJ shrugs, "You don't know that."

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The school was less than a month away and y/n was trying to come up with multiple different excuses to not attend the first week but so far she's come up empty, she knows her parents know she's going to try to talk them into not letting her go but they have their reasons ready too.

You've been doing so good, I think you'll be alright, you're being dramatic, it won't happen again, and you'll be fine.

She wasn't going to be alright, and she wasn't doing fine. She's been ignoring the dulling ache by making new friendships and filling her time with pointless tasks to not think about anything from before Outer Banks.

It was Viola's eighteenth birthday and y/n couldn't bring herself to leave her bed, not after receiving her first notification for the day saying 'it's Viola's s birthday! Make sure to say hello <3', the reminder she made a couple years ago making her curse her entire existence and wish it to go away.

Kiara tried calling her but she simply asked her to leave her alone, politely telling her that she hasn't been feeling well and that she will be spending her day indoors today. Kie understood of course, and she let the hijabi girl have her space.

JJ thought it was his fault, that what he said had pushed her away and it was his doings that causes her to not hang out with them today, especially since she's been looking forward to this boat ride for a while now.

By noon, y/n was barely holding it together. She sat on her bed with her knees pressed to her chest and her phone was across from her, her eyes glaring at it like it might go up in flames and it will save her the pain of going into Viola's contact and risk scrolling through their conversations.

She almost tears up at the idea, she's forgotten the last text she sent to her best friend before she died. It was the day of the shooting and y/n couldn't bring herself to open the app for days after, not until she received a text from Kie.

She almost burst into tears at the thought of texting her dead best friend happy birthday but she doesn't, instead, she rolls to the side and buries herself under her covers. For now, that's the best she could do.

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Kiara called her later that evening inviting her to a keg party on the beach that John B was hosting, pulling the 'you're gonna be with me and the boys and I promise it's gonna make you feel so much better' card, she couldn't deny her because she needed something to get her mind off of today, so she dresses up in black jeans, short-sleeved navy t-shirt, and a black leather jacket, matching her black hijab with them.

The location of the party was close, so y/n had no trouble walking to it. By now she's learned all there is to know about living in Outer Banks, how she and the pogues lived on Th Cut side of the island while the richer people were living on the other side, Figure Eight.

She was able to hear the loud music playing up ahead, but then she pauses when the party comes to view. She didn't expect it to bother her so much, but seeing the huge amount of teenagers at the place, made her skin crawl with the urge to turn around and run.

And maybe she would've done exactly that, had it not been for Kiara and John B to call out for her. She groans silently and smiles at them, Kiara was quick to hug her and the smell of beer and alcohol overflowed her nose making her almost gag, "I'm so glad you were able to make it! I'm so sorry about the alcohol, do you want a Dr. Pepper? JJ got you some."

Another wave of the urge to run out of there washes over her at his name and her eyes immediately meet his, he shows her the red drink in his hand and she smiles at him gently. "Thanks."

She was restless, from sipping at her drink to keeping her eyes on all the people around her, making sure to not stand too close to drunken boys and walk away when a girl with a joint walked her way and she jumped every time the kids around her cheered 'drink! drink! drink! drink!' at some guy that wanted to get wasted.

Kie notices and pulls her away from the crowd, "Hey, are you sure you're okay?" y/n chews at her bottom lip and nods, "Mhm, like I said, haven't really been feeling myself." Kie didn't believe her, but she frowns anyway. "Do you want me to walk you back home? You can totally leave if you want."

"No it's fine, I'll leave when I'm ready to go, don't worry."

Before she gets to reply, loud cheers wave through the crowd and they've pulled away from their conversation, their attention focusing back on the party they both gasp when some rich dude had John B by his head in the water, drowning him.

Kiara was quick to run towards them, yelling and begging Topper to let John B go, then she was trying to yell at his girlfriend to let him go, y/n just stood aside as her chest tightened and her body started to shiver, her eyes watered and her body froze.

Suddenly she's not at the beach in Outer Banks anymore, she's standing in the hallway. The cheers around her weren't shouts of encouragement to finish a fight, they were screams of horror and fear.

Her chest closes up her throat and tears prick at her eyes, her vision glosses over and her hearing fades. For a moment, she thinks she might faint, but then a loud, painfully familiar bang goes out and she gasps. One gasp and she's falling apart.

A scream tips off her lips and she's scrambling to get away from the violence, if it was in her head or in front of her she didn't know, she couldn't tell. But all she saw was JJ with a gun pointed somewhere and his fingers repeatedly pulling at the trigger.

Her throat was raw, scratched from her screams of absolute terror and deeply struck trauma. She tries to get away from him, from everyone, tries to crawl away unsuccessfully and then a pair of slender arms pull around her and keep her close, Kie's voice asking her what's wrong and telling her that it was alright barely makes it through the fog around her mind.

Her screams stop, but her trembling and tears don't. Kie helps her up to her feet, barely, and walks her towards the Twinkie. She helps her settle in the very back of it as her chest heaves and gasps leave her, her chest tightens on her and she tries to tell the brunette that she can't breathe.

But then JJ comes in view and she almost screams again, almost tries to crawl away from him, the image of him with a gun burning very vividly in her mind but her throat is too raw, in too much pain to allow her to do that so she whimpers and cries some more.

"What the hell happened back there?" Kie was shouting at JJ, scolding him as Pope tried to drive reasonably fast to the Cheatu, trying to keep their friend alive and well. "What's happening to her?" JJ completely ignores Kie and asks about y/n.

"She's having a panic attack because some fucking dumbass shot a fucking gun right next to her!"

Another whimper and Kiara wraps her arms around her, her tight hold brings her enough comfort to calm down as Pope and JJ make sure that John B was alive and well and warm within the walls of his home.

When her breathing got back to normal, when she felt like her heart wasn't seizing within her chest, y/n told Kiara to go check on John B as she is unsure if she was even able to walk right now. Kie hesitated, not certain y/n was even in the right mindset to be left alone, but then JJ comes into the van and tells her that he will be looking after the girl.

When Kiara leaves, y/n almost calls out for her and begs her to stay, but she doesn't. Instead, she pulls her legs closer to her body and avoids eye contact with the blonde boy across from her, she's fully aware of the horrible state her hijab is in and how it's probably showing a few strands of hair, but she couldn't bring herself to care at the moment.

"Are you okay?"

She breaks down at the question, tears immediately pool in her eyes and she couldn't help the single broken sob that left her, JJ doesn't hesitate in his action. He takes Kiara's place beside her and wraps an arm around her shoulders, gently bringing her closer to his body for a hug and allowing her to cry on his shoulder.

She knows she shouldn't do this, she knows she shouldn't let him touch her, but his arm was only on her shoulders, he didn't dare rub her back, he didn't dare try to remove her hijab, he just kept a gentle hold on her as she cried onto his shoulders. He gave her the chance to pull away if she wanted to, and she didn't.

Her hands gripped his t-shirt, she tried to calm down and not cry too much, thinking it might make her look like a child or a whiny crybaby. She pulls away after pulling herself together and covers her face with her hands, "Can you please turn around for a minute?" her voice is hoarse and dry, he nods and quickly gives her his back, giving her all the privacy she needed to undo her hijab and redo it.

"Thank you." he took it as his cue to turn back around, he also copied her position by pulling his knees up to his chest and he didn't even have to ask for her to know what was roaming his mind.

She sees the question in his eyes and she asks him one of her own, "Why did you—" she choked on words, then she takes a deep breath and tries again, but he's already replying. "We found a sunk boat this morning, we found a hotel key inside and we checked out the room. There was a safe with some money inside and the gun, I took them."

His trust in her was eerie, but she appreciated it. "Why did you have it on you at the party?"

He glances down, almost ashamed, "I couldn't just leave it at the Cheatu, I didn't mean to actually use it, I'm so sorry for scaring you."

The reality of the situation almost drowns her, "You had a gun, at a party full of teenagers. JJ what- what did you even want to do with that?!" she almost starts crying again, but she brushes away a stray tear frustratingly.

"I know you think this is bad—"

"Think?! It is bad! It's horrible and terrifying and heartbreaking," she snaps, "And it's even worse because you've probably never held a firearm a day in your life and you just went swinging it at a high school party!"

JJ knows better than to reply, he knows her frustration and panic at his actions from deeper within so he stays quiet and listens to every word she has to say.

"What if—" she cuts herself off, the image of a dying Viola in her arms invades her mind and attacks her, causing another wave of tears to pool at her lashline. "What if you accidentally shot someone? You know you could go to jail for that right?"

His jaw clenches, "Topper was drowning John B, what did you expect me to do?"

"Tackle him to the ground or something! Don't fucking shoot a gun at kids!"

JJ remains silent, and the silence almost kills her. A few minutes pass and he sighs, "Why did you move to Outer Banks, y/n?"

"What?"

"We asked you once why'd you move to Outer Banks and you said 'circumstances led us here', why did you move to Outer Banks?"

She stares at him, blinking repeatedly, wondering if he was playing tricks on her or if he was actually genuine with his question. She decides that it doesn't actually matter, "There was a shooting at my school," JJ was taken aback, he wasn't really sure what to expect, but it wasn't that. "I lost my best friend," remembering what day it was caused a tear to roll down her cheek, "She died in my arms because a guy with a gun decided to shoot at some kids."

He was apologizing before she even finished her sentence, JJ couldn't believe something so horrible happened to the girl that laughed at his sex jokes and helped patch him up after a fight with his dad. She seemed too pure to see such darkness, and he was beyond sorry for being the reason that darkness came loaming over her again.

He was tempted to hold her again, but the way she cradled herself told him that she wouldn't let him, so he settled on sitting across from her, continuous apologies tumbling off his rosy lips.

"JJ," his name with her voice pauses him, and he looks up at her with those gorgeous icy eyes. She sees it in his orbs, how truly sorry he was, how awful he felt, and it makes her feel bad for the way she reacted, although she's fully aware that it wasn't something she was able to control at the moment. "You didn't know, it wasn't your fault. I just hope you don't carry a gun around where you went."

He nods quickly, "I won't." y/n stares at him, trying to read his face or his body language, then she notices him hesitating. She tilts her head in confusion and he raises a hand facing her, his fingers parted and almost aching to feel her touch once again. She glances at his face and sees the pleading look in his eyes and then she's doing the same, the tips of her fingers meeting his own large ones and JJ lets out a breath.

He glances between her and their touching hands and she almost melts at the hearty eyes pouring out of him, "Thank you." She doesn't ask for what, she doesn't say a word. Just rests her chin on her arm as her hand fights the urge to intertwine her fingers with his.

#jj maybank fanfiction #jj maybank fic #jj obx fic #jj obx #jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x oc #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank angst #jj maybank fluff #jj maybank smut #obx jj #obx

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strawberiitea · 3 years

Text

What The Fuck Was That: A very spiteful attempt at analyzing "Meet the latest resurrected gentleman of L'manburg" because god is dead and I killed him

—

A lot of people like myself have been left very very confused by this recent stream.

Truth be told, watching it live was nerve wracking as fuck my dudes!

It felt like everything I thought I knew about this absolute bastard of a man who haunts my silly little analysist dreams was completely thrown out of the window in favor of either confusion, panic, rage, or somehow all of the above!

But never fear! After rewatching the vod a total of three times fueled with nothing but the burning rage and spite I have in my silly little Wilbur sympathizer heart – I now somewhat have my shit together!!

BASICALLY!

Today, I will be sitting down and trying to pick apart and analyze whatever the fuck that shitshow of a stream was for your absolute entertainment value.

So if you're still reading this god awful introduction and are ready to subject yourself to the horrid sights of Tea Using Her Brain™ —

Be my guest :)

—

This rage essay will consist of a total of four sections.

Our first point being,

1. Someone's a little TOO mentally ill

I think as a general consensus for not only this analysis, but for the entire stream itself – is that it's important to remember that Wilbur is still very very mentally ill.

And while he may not be nearly as self destructive or suicidal as he was back in Pogtopia –

Wilbur is still dealing with those effects.

Shit like extreme cases of paranoia, depression, self loathing, and the odd phenomenom of viewing your reality as a fucked up narrative designed to twist your suffering into a literary tragedy doesn't dissapear out of thin air!

Not only are those effects completely untreated – but he also has the added trauma of being stuck in a dingy death train station in complete and utter isolation devoid of any stimuli for a good 13 years of his life!

This Man Is Not Okay!

And despite how much he claims he's better and generally seems happier – It's pretty likely he's still riding the euphoria of being alive, and is possibly dependant on it.

Wilbur seems to be in somewhat of a state of denial – such as by pretending he's perfectly fine and dandy, creating yet another persona to hide from his crushing amount of baggage, avoiding confronting his issues and instead making apologies he himself doesn't fully understand, or, i dunno—

Baring second hand witness to the abuse and manipulation his younger brother went through by the hands of the man he now views as his hero, and dismissing it in favor for his ideals? perhaps choosing not to look into it?

Or is it the apathy and desensitization to not only his own – or his brother's – but everyone's trauma?

or maybe it's the refusal to see past his own theatrical ideology?

Say, remember how he said not to think too hard about things?

This newfound euphoria won't last forever! It's only a matter of time until Wilbur has that wonderful slap of reality where it all comes crashing down!!!!! :D

2. He's a mushy mother fucker

Moving onto our next point!

Now, you might be a bit confused by the title. Allow me to elaborate!

Essentially, Wilbur is straight out of Literal Hell, right? To paint a picture for you – imagine being stuck in your own personal limbo for 13 years in complete isolation and darkness, left with nothing but your own spiralling thoughts as company.

Sounds fucking lovely, I know.

Now, imagine you are suddenly pulled straight out of that limbo and back into the real world more than a decade later on your end, in a fucking blink of an eye. Needless to say, it must've been jarring as shit.

What I'm trying to say is —

Wilbur's still adjusting to Being Fucking Alive.

Not only that, but he's desperately trying to find any sort of direction in life – trying to get back on his feet seemingly as quickly as he can.

He's like the fucking equivalent of a baby giraffe trying to walk for the first time in life – only managing to consistently trip and stumble over like the utter fool he is.

And despite having a strict ideology – his thoughts and worldviews are still underveloped and have yet to inevitably change the more he adjusts to his new environment.

As of now, though? His mind is most likely just as fucked up and scrambled as it was on his final days.

His brain is just mfin scrambled eggs man.

3. Theatre kid morality: gone wrong

It's pretty apparent that Wilbur still holds a very very black and white mentality.

Comparing it to season 1, it was normal for the setting they were in! Everyone held those views, everyone played their roles of "good guy" and "bad guy"!

But comparing it to season 3? It's... tragically out of place.

Wilbur believes that true power is gained from violence. He recognizes the existence of meaningless decorative power, and he recognizes how broken and meaningless "government" on the server actually is – and yet, he is not self aware enough to realize that there are other forms of gaining power on the smp – such as charisma – and that his ideals are inherently flawed.

Not only is his moral compass incredibly skewed – but his entire perception of reality is.

To him, life is some sort of "Narrative" he and the people around him have to live up to. He views the world in fancy archetypes and literary titles – He is a villain, Dream is a hero, Eret is a traitor, Quackity is his rival. L'manburg is his unfinished symphony, he has to obey his Chekov's Gun, and he needs to tell a story.

It's not only his entire ideology, but it's also a coping mechanism.

Why accept that you're broken and in pain, when you can turn your anguish into a performance no one will ever forget?

4. Funky ass contradictions

Hoh boy, here's what you've all been waiting for.

Essentially, Wilbur's been constantly contradicting himself throughout the entire stream.

He's been making consistent contradicting statements all in the same confident tone, thus making it incredibly difficult to analyze and understand.

There's a lot of different opinions regarding his contradictions – ranging from bullshit like "manipulation" and the possibility that he was straight up lying.

Allow me to throw my own two cents in –

To put it simply, Wilbur is very conflicted as of now.

The biggest example of this is his conflicting feelings about Dream. Logically, Wilbur should and would hate Dream for what he did to Tommy during exile – even so far as to expressing wanting to disembowel him.

However, that hate towards clashes against how he views him. It's possible Wilbur could feel like he owes Dream some sort of gratitude. I mean, why wouldn't you be eternally grateful towards the person who saved you from your personal hell? Not only that, but while Wilbur may not necessarily like Dream – it's evident that he respects Dream.

Remember how I said Wilbur's headspace was equivalent to scrambled eggs? That heavily applies regarding his contradictions. If his thoughts are scrambled, his speech wouldn't be any better now, would it?

Revivedbur tends to think out loud. He says whatever is on his mind, generally has a bad brain to mouth filter, and has difficulty properly articulating himself and what he means, thus resulting in something completely different in what he says.

A big example of this is the comments regarding L'manburg;

“Tommy, I’ve made an oath of not lying now that I’m alive again. So I’m gonna come clean to you with the truth. Uh…one thing, I didn’t actually care about L’manburg, I just cared about – you know, sticking it to the man. Actually, I cared about L’manburg for the sole reason that I could use it to stick it to the man. You ever sticked it to the man, Tommy?”

While I wasn't able to find all of the transcriptions, I found the most important one.

Wilbur never cared about L'manburg? Absolute bullshit. Wilbur loved that nation with every fiber of his being! he cried for that nation! He bled for that nation!

Truth be told I had to think about this quote for days, despite having the answer all along.

Wilbur never cared about L'manburg's land, he cared about the people and what it stood for.

He never cared about the van, he cared about the fond memories of his brother tied to it. He never cared about the walls, he cared about the effort of a friend joining a cause. He never cared about the land, he cared about the people who built that land.

It didn't matter what land it stood on, its name, or even its flag – it was the people who put their heart into it.

Wilbur never blew up L'manburg, Wilbur only blew up its remains.

So this is where I come back to – "Revivedbur has difficulty properly articulating himself and what he means, thus resulting in something completely different in what he says." –

“Uh…one thing, I didn’t actually care about L’manburg, I just cared about – you know, sticking it to the man. Actually, I cared about L’manburg for the sole reason that I could use it to stick it to the man. You ever sticked it to the man, Tommy?”

"I never cared for the land L'manburg was on, I cared about the ideals it stood for. I cared about challenging an oppressive authority for our rightful and deserved freedom. Actually, I cared about L'manburg for the sole reason it was a revolution."

Take that with a grain of salt. But I think this is closer to what he actually meant.

“L’manburg was a tool. It was a great tool, it worked, you know. It divided so many people, man (. . .)”

I'm bringing this quote as another example of Wilbur's silly little scrambled eggs brain. But this. This was the one that stumped me.

L'manburg was a tool, huh? Tool for what? "Sticking it to the man"? Well, we all know what that's supposed to entail.

It divided so many people? Well, Wilbur created a side in the first place – his side – or perhaps he is referring to the electoral fallout?

I think this line specifically is an example of not only his poor wording, but his tendency to speak out loud and say whatever he has on his conflicted mind through his awful filter.

I think this line might be from a place where he was negatively thinking about L'manburg in the moment.

It's no secret Wilbur lost hope and declared L'manburg dead in his eyes down along the line – who's to say he wouldn't switch back to a similar mindset with his jumbled headspace?

“I’ve seen it all, you’ve had your little strifes – this isn’t the first, right, Tommy. Tommy, do you remember when you got sent into exile? Yeah, I remember. I was there, Tommy. I was there. I was there – I was in the cage of that little ghost’s fucking head. Every single step you and me took – look at me, Tommy, look me in the eyes – every single step me and you took, I was there – I was there! I had no control of what was happening, I’ve no idea what was being said, but Tommy – I’ll tell you what – if I was there, and it wasn’t that stupid shell of a ghost instead of me…I would’ve struck down Dream right where he stood. We would’ve disemboweled him. We would’ve disemboweled him together.”

“Tommy, I’m not – I wasn’t blind, I saw what he was doing to you, Tommy. I saw. I saw what he was doing to Tubbo – I saw what he was doing to me. (. . .)”

So I'm gonna be going back to his views on Dream for a moment.

These lines strike me as genuine. Not only because it was confirmed that Wilbur really was angry at Dream's treatment of Tommy – But there's also something I haven't mentioned regarding this;

Tone.

Y'all ever notice how Wilbur switches his tone – actually, his entire demeanor – depending on his genuinity?

A big example of this is the contrast of how Wilbur acted around Tommy most of the stream – with a loud, cocky and confident persona. But the moment he was alone, he switched into a quiet, somber, burdened man.

"He's a good kid. He's a good kid."

It's about the little things, innit.

“But you know what, Tommy? I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there, was I. We had Ghostbur. Ghostbur was there instead, right. And you know what the issue is, you know what the issue is? After seeing Ghostbur interact with Dream, I realized that no, Dream is not the enemy – Dream is not the enemy!”

“This world was not supposed to be inhabited by a people of this caliber – Dream is the hero! Dream needs to be let out of here! Dream’s not in prison for being a horrible person, Dream’s in prison because he dared to try and stop you all. He dared to try and stop you all from gaining all this power, because the minute I was gone, there was a vacuum, there was opening, and everyone just seeked to get in there! And Dream was the only one who stood up to them and told them not to, Dream was the only one who held my seat for me. He held my – he kept it warm! He kept my throne warm, and you guys didn’t like that, so you threw him in prison! And if Dream died instead of me, I would be in there right now.”

“So Tommy, you should thank that I wasn’t alive to attack Dream when we got exiled! You should be glad we had little, passive Ghostbur, because now Dream’s in there, and I’m out here, baby.”

And this is where he switches again, and the contradiction occurs. I've already went through this above, but I'll point out that Wilbur seems to have a very flawed thought pattern here.

This is where his flawed ideals of literary titles kick in once more. Wilbur seems to believe that Dream took his place as the story's villain – therefore "keeping his throne warm."

He also makes incorrect assumptions he genuinely believes are true. Such as his belief that by some logic, he was supposed to end up in the prison; and that the events that occurred he deemed as necessary and ultimately "the best route" – as he's out, and Dream's in. Or the insistance that he and Tommy would've been exiled together.

It's just another example of his flawed thought process and how jumbled up that silly little mentally ill noggin of his is.

And while I can sit here all day trying to rationalize and pick apart quote after quote like a madman, I'm pretty sure you've got the gist of it.

—

Wait. Holy shit you read all of that? Damn. Poggers.

Take this with a grain of salt!! This is just my silly little interpretations of this god damn nightmare of a stream. I'm open to any add ons!!!

That being said. I am going to lie down. Holy shit. Holy shit it's done I can rest.

You've come far, dear traveller – take a them as a reward.

#LIES DOWN #dream smp #mcyt #wilbur soot #dream smp analysis #wilbur soot analysis #revivedbur #teanalysis #tea posts

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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years

Note

Hey, Steph! Any spare good big brother Mycroft fics floating about?

Hey Lovely!

I DO!! And I've a few more fics I can add to the lists, so check these out!!

BIG BROTHER MYCROFT Pt. 3

See also:

Big-Brother Mycroft

Big Brother Mycroft Pt 2

Holmes Brothers’ Relationship

Yorkshire Gold by Tammany Tiger (K, 1,467 w., 1 Ch. || Friendship, Holmes Brothers, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Angst, Open Ending, Grief, Implied Bondlock) – Mycroft may not mourn Sherlock's death-but even if he knows his brother lives, he's not without his own grief. It ain't easy being The British Government. But at least he's got good help. Set between the Fall and the Return.

When Your Belly's in the Trench by Morgan_Stuart (T, 4,743 w., 1 Ch. || PTSD, Character Study, Rescue, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Torture, Trauma, Danger, Drama, Kidnapping/Captivity) – The next time that door opens, John Watson will kill the person on the other side.

Deck the Halls by itsalwaysyou_jw (T, 31,018 w., 24 Ch. || Advent Fic / Multiple One-Shots, Assorted Tags) – One Johnlock ficlet for every day leading up to Christmas. Who is ready for pining, first kisses, established Johnlock, and everything in between? This collection of stand-alone ficlets will have it all.

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love, Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."

Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU || BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by ShirleyCarlton (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic / Meta Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Demisexual Sherlock, Holmes Family, John Whump, Gay Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Drug Addiction, Parenting, TFP is a Nightmare, Virgin Sherlock, Slow Burn, Minor Character Death, Switchlock, John’s Past, Sherlock’s Past, Eurus, Love Confessions) – Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own.

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

#steph replies #johnlock fic recs #big brother mycroft #my fic recs

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softpascalito · 9 months

Text

⋆ Softpascalitos Masterlist ⋆

This is a regularly updated masterlist of all my works, posted on tumblr + ao3! They're sorted by character with warnings/tags, please still read the full descriptions before reading! My entire blog is 18+ / MDNI.

⭐ - my personal favorites ⛓️ - smut 🍂 - hurt/comfort 💌 - fluff

i write for: javier peña, pedro pascal, agent ortega, joel miller, oberyn martell, dieter bravo, silva, frankie morales, din djarin, agent whiskey, javi g, tim rockford

last update: 6th march 2024 If you have requests/questions/feedback or just want to say hi, feel free to pop into my asks! ✮

I do not give permission to have my work copied, translated, rewritten, put into any AI programs, or reposted without my direct agreement.

Specials Kinktober 2023 31 pieces of (mostly smut) - read on AO3 / Tumblr Advent Calendar 2023 25 Pieces including moodboards, hcs and fics - read on AO3 / Tumblr

✮⋆˙ Javier Peña ˙⋆✮

We got your back - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂

Summary: You work as a new DEA agent alongside Peña and Murphy. A not-so-kind colleague reveals more about you than you would like. Peña takes you under his wing. Tags/Warnings: Main fic, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn WC: 6700+

Pregnancy Sex with Javier Peña - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️

Summary: You're pregnant, Javier is overprotective. The problem: You're also really fucking horny. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Aftercare, Pregnancy, Established Relationship, PWP WC: 2600

Beyond Saving - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂

Summary: Javier is on office duty when he learns that someone close to you has passed, causing both of you to spiral. Tags/Warnings: ❗ Dead Dove: Do not Eat ❗, Mention of Suicide, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Minor Character Death, Trauma, Crying, Mental Breakdowns WC: 1300

Kinktober Day Three - Hate Sex - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: When a raid goes wrong, Javier Peña gets pissed. You expect him to take it out on you. You dont expect him to fuck you so good. Aka a steamy office romance with a side of hate sex. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Hate Sex, Unsafe Sex, Rough Sex, Spanking WC: 2300

Kinktober Day Eleven - Humiliation - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: Javier takes you home after a night out. You worry about waking Steve who lives upstairs- until Javier notices the way you are staring at his gun. (Thats not code for his dick, Im talking about his actual gun). Aka Agent Peña fucks you on his couch using something other than his dick. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Gun Kink, Rough Sex, Praise Kink, Spanking, Dirty Talk WC: 2200

Kinktober Day Twentysix - Tying a tie - Tumblr / AO3 🍂

Summary: Javier resigns from the DEA. You both reflect on your life in Colombia while you help him get ready. You also discuss what is about to follow. Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Trauma, Anxiety, Established Relationship, Crying, Sad Javier Peña WC: 1600

Peluda - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐💌

Summary: A snowstorm hits Bogotá and you bring back a surprise visitor. Javi is not amused. But, it leads to a realization about himself- and about you. Tags/Warnings: Fluff, Nicknames, Soft Javi, Snow, Established Relationship WC: 1700

✮⋆˙ Pedro Pascal ˙⋆✮

Here with me - Tumblr / AO3 🍂💌

Summary: During his time in Morrocco, Pedro finds himself in need of reassurance. You are happy to help. Tags/Warnings: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Insecurities, Age Difference WC: 1200

I'll look after you - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂💌

Summary: Pedro is sick (but of course he doesn't admit it). You look after him. Hurt/Comfort (but the twist is that you're the one doing the comforting). Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, Emotional, Established Relationship WC: 2000

✮⋆˙ Agent Ortega ˙⋆✮

Agents don't have favorites - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂

Summary: Agent Ortega visits the Emerald Palace, but finds the woman tending to the horses more interesting than those tending to the men. After he leaves for a while, he comes back to an unwanted surprise. Aka its emotional but also they fuck. Tags/Warnings: Explicit, Referenced Non-Con Elements, Hurt/Comfort, Smut WC: 2600

Kinktober Day Ten - Shoe Shining + NTR (Cheating) - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️🍂

Summary: Ortega returns to Brimstone. When he gets a shoe shine from a past flame, who is now married, things get complicated. Tags/Warnings: Explicit, Hurt/Comfort, Smut, Cheating, Rough Sex, Spanking, Aftercare, Creampie, Dirty Talk WC: 2200

✮⋆˙ Joel Miller ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day One - Pegging - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️

Summary: You and Joel run into a sex store on patrol. They have everything one needs to give their older, grumpy partner a good pregging. Aka Joel Miller gets his ass fucked for the first time in his life. Tags/Warnings: Explicit, Smut, Pegging, First Time, Aftercare WC: 3000

Kinktober Day Four - Nonsexual Ageplay - Tumblr / AO3 🍂💌

Summary: When Joel brings back a book on trauma from patrol, something catches your eye. Having had too much of your childhood taken away by the outbreak, you find a way to get some of it back. Aka a soft Joel Miller making his partner feel safe enough to try nonsexual ageplay. Tags/Warnings: SFW, Past Trauma, Age Difference, Nonsexual Ageplay WC: 2000

Kinktober Day Seven - Wax Play - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂

Summary: Joel and you are paired up for patrol. There are a lot of things unsaid, a snowstorm rolling in and some candles. Go figure (or go read i guess). Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Hurt/Comfort, Snowed in WC: 1900

Kinktober Day Twelve - Somnophilia - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: In 2003, Joel Miller is busy with dishes, paperwork and raising a child, leaving little time for his relationship. When he gets restless and sneaks over to her house, finding his girl asleep, he remembers a conversation they had about consent. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Explicit Consent, Age Difference, Established Relationship, Secret Relationship, Aftercare, Crempie, Pre-Outbreak WC: 2000

Kinktober Day Thirteen - Playing with hair - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂 💌

Summary: Joel works in construction in Jackson. During his lunch breaks, he always comes home to you. When you notice a talent of his you hadn't known about, he opens up about the past. Tags/Warnings: Jackson Era, Established Relationship, Bathing/Washing, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Joel play guitar, Good Parent Joel WC: 1000

Kinktober Day Fifteen - Massaging - Tumblr / AO3 🍂

Summary: When Joel comes home after a long day of work, you crave nothing more than him. Until you're both reminded of his age. Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Age difference, Massage, Kissing, Healthy relationships WC: 2200

Kinktober Day Sixteen - Familiar Scents - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: Over the span of many years, Joel Millers scent always stays the same. It starts when he takes you for a hike before the Outbreak- and continues for long after. Tags/Warnings: Friends to lovers, Age difference, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Fingering, P in V Sex WC: 2400+

Kinktober Day Nineteen - Tooth Brushing - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂

Summary: Grief is cruel and just because you and Joel live in the safe haven that is the Jackson community it does not mean you're immune to it. Possibly the saddest (but also kinda best) thing I have written so far. Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Character Death, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Protective Joel, Survivors Guilt WC: 2400

Kinktober Day Twentyfour - Crossdressing - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️💌

Summary: Joel Miller has been wanting to try a different piece of clothing for a long time. It's not until you that he feels supported enough to do so. Turns out, you both really fucking like it. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Fluff, Insecurity, Soft Joel, Slight Mommy Kink, Jackson Era, Sub Joel Miller WC: 2000

Kinktober Day Twentyseven - (Public) Help with button - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: What happens in a dimly lit corner on the lap of Joel Miller at the town dance, stays at the town dance. Almost. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Dirty Talk, Vaginal Fingering, Public Sex, Teasing, Established Relationship, Age difference, Jackson Era WC: 2400

Kinktober Day Twentyeight - Daddy - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂

Summary: Joel has been noticing a few things about your relationship that make him wonder about your feelings regarding your father. As you open up about your issues, he's sweet, supportive and makes you feel better in the way only he can. Tags/Warnings: 2003!Joel Miller, Pre-Outbreak, Smut, Explicit, Hurt/Comfort, Daddy Kink, Daddy Issues, Crying, Fingering, Cock Warming, P in V Sex, Secret Relationship WC: 2600

Kinktober Day Thirty - Free Use - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: Joel comes home urgently needing some relief. Its a good thing youre there- and the first time Joel makes use of an ... interesting agreement. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Free Use, Rough Sex, Light Dom/Sub, Dirty Talk, Andry Sex, Shower Sex, Baking, Female Reader, Established relationship WC: 1900

Snowy Surprise - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️💌

Summary: Joel takes advantage of your lunch break on patrol for ... other activities. Afterwards, a promise he made about christmas decorations comes back to haunt him. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Fluff, Soft Joel, Established Relationship, Fingering, Dirty Talk, Semi-Public Sex WC: 2200

Here cums Santa Claus - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️💌

Summary: Jackson needs a Santa Claus - and Joel is the perfect fit. Getting to have you on his lap is just a bonus. Aka the one where Joel is dressed up as Santa Claus and you get to ride him. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Fluff, Soft Joel, Established Relationship, Fingering, Dirty Talk, P in V Sex, Costume Kink, Riding, Creampie WC: 1800

✮⋆˙ Oberyn Martell ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Five - Collaring - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂

Summary: Oberyn gets you a special present, one that both of you will enjoy. But things dont always go as planned. Tags/Warnings: Explicit, Smut, Established Relationship, Safeword Use, Hurt/Comfort WC: 2050

Kinktober Day Eight - Breeding - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️🍂

Summary: Oberyn and her have been trying for a baby to no avail. Ever the loving viper, he comes up with an idea. Tags/Warnings: Explicit, Smut, Established Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Breeding, Dirty Talk, Praise Kink WC: 2050

Kinktober Day Seventeen - Threesome - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: You are in charge of serving wine to the dornish folk at the kings wedding. A couple catches your eye and it may not be as one-sided as you thought at first. Aka the steaming hot threesome with Oberyn and Ellaria we all need. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Creampie, Threesome (FFM), Servant Reader, Aftercare, Porn with Plot WC: 4400

Kinktober Day Twentytwo - Washing hair - Tumblr / AO3 🍂

Summary: A few weeks after you and Oberyn begin to try conceiving and days before he leaves for Kings Landing, he finds you cooling down in the baths during a hot day. Tags/Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Mild Smut, Bathing/Washing, Pregnancy, Established Relationship WC: 1700

Kinktober Day Thirtyone - Pregnancy - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂

Summary: Oberyn has been more cautious around her now that the due date is near. He has to realize it's not what she wants. And who can deny the wishes of a pregnant woman? Tags/Warnings: Smut, Pregnancy Sex, P in V Sex, Oral Sex, Romance, Fluff, Domestic, Established Relationship, Female Reader WC: 1400

✮⋆˙ Dieter Bravo ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Two - Titfucking - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️🍂

Summary: Dieter is alone in quarantine and begs you to come join him. Even with a few obstacles, you treat him the way he deserves. Tags/Warnings: Explicit, Smut, Titfucking, Emotional Hurt/Comfort WC: 1700

Kinktober Day Twenty - Watersports - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: Dieter is on edge because of an upcoming premiere and as his personal assistant, you try to keep him calm as well as sober. There is one thing that may help. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Established Relationship, Semi-Public, Assistant Reader, Alcohol, Watersports, Dom/Sub Undertones WC: 1700

✮⋆˙ Silva ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Fourteen - Armpit + Orgasm Denial - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: When Silva comes home after a long day on the ranch, he smells amazing. He also distracts you from cooking in a quite special way. Tags/Warnings: Explicit, Smut, Sweat, Praise Kink, Established Relationship, Oral Sex, P in V Sex WC: 1600

Kinktober Day Twentyfive - Dancing together - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐🍂

Summary: When a particularly hard rain hits your little ranch, so does the sadness. Luckily Silva is there to make it better.(This fills a few gaps in Silvas life in a way that ties in with the movie.) Tags/Warnings: Established Relationship, Domestic, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Parent Silva, Romance, Kissing in the rain, Slow dancing WC: 1400

✮⋆˙ Frankie Morales ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Six - Frottage - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: After a flying lesson, you find yourself drawn to the man in the pilot seat. Luckily for you, Frankie knows exactly what you need. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Dirty Talk, Established Relationship WC: 1400

✮⋆˙ Din Djarin ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Nine - Gloryhole - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: Din just wants some quick pleasure. You just want to enjoy your job for once. Both of you get more than you bargained for. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Prostitution, Oral Sex, Strangers, Semi-Public WC: 1600

✮⋆˙ Jack Daniels ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Eighteen - Spanking + Whipping - Tumblr / AO3 ⭐⛓️

Summary: When you mess up during a mission, Jack doesn't want to have to report his own girlfriend. Since he is your higher-up, you work out an agreement- a punishment by Whiskey himself. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Spanking, Whipping, Dirty Talk, Praise Kink, Crying, Established Relationship, Rough Sex, Dom/Sub Undertones WC: 2200

Kinktober Day Twentythree - Deepthroating + Facesitting - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: You've never deepthroated anyone in your life- but you're eager to make your man feel as good as possible. You receive a proper thank you as well. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Dirty Talk, Praise Kink, Deepthroating, Facesitting, Rough Sex, Oral Sex, Aftercare, Established Relationship WC: 1900

✮⋆˙ Javi Gutierrez ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Twentyone - Lingerie - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️💌

Summary: Javi usually gets the movie memorabilia he loves so much for his birthday. This year, he gets something infinitely better. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Established Relationship, Birthday Sex, Lingerie, Kissing, Fluff, Praise Kink, Dirty Talk, Vaginal Fingering, P in V Sex WC: 2100

✮⋆˙ Tim Rockford ˙⋆✮

Kinktober Day Twentynine - Breathplay - Tumblr / AO3 ⛓️

Summary: After a successful case, everyone goes out to celebrate. Everyone except your boss, Tim Rockford. But, with an empty office to make use of, you both find your own way to celebrate. Tags/Warnings: Smut, Explicit, Established Relationship, Choking, Coworker Reader, Female Reader, Office Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Secret Relationship WC: 2100

162 notes · View notes

shirophantomvox · 3 years

Text

Ging Freecss Character Analysis

Hisoka Analysis| Illumi Analysis| Killua Analysis| Chrollo Analysis

What’s up, y’all? I am back again with another analysis. Today, I will be talking about Ging Freecss and I am glad that this was requested by @dukinaxael. I’ve been wanting to talk about Ging for a while and now is my time to shine. PS, I’ll be doing Leorio’s character next. I’m sorry that this is so short! I haven’t been able to watch the last seasons because Netflix will not upload them. Enjoy anyway!

We all know that Ging is considered to be a dead-beat father to his son Gon. He is the reason why Gon wants to become a hunter in the first place and will do ANYTHING to achieve that goal. As the story is told, Ging left his home when he was 12 years old to take the Hunter’s exam. After passing, he never returned home, at some point met Gon’s mom, and saved a lot of felons/criminal’s lives. Now he is apart of the Hunter’s association (I think?) and apart of the Zodiacs (I think). Some of these next statements are assumptions because I haven’t seen anything past season 4. From that little bit of information, it seems like Gon gets his “over achiever” mentality from his dad. Who would have thought that a young man who had just obtained his hunter’s license would use it to help out criminals instead of busting them? Aunt Mito has expressed how she felt once her brother left and didn’t return, that is why she stressed that Gon should return home once he gets his license. She even stated that she cried for the longest when she realized he wasn’t coming back.

The whole mystery about why Ging abandoned Gon is very fuzzy. According to Aunt Mito, Ging dropped Gon at his house, said that he isn’t with Gon’s mom anymore, and left while some people say that Mito took Gon from Ging because she felt that he was too immature to take care of him. Some even say that he lost a custody case to her. I can’t tell you if this is true or not because I don’t know and I haven’t seen any seasons after 4.

Judging from YouTube Clips, Ging seems to be a selfish dad and doesn’t care about how his son basically cried like fuck for feeling guilty about what happened to Kite.

Leorio asked why he hadn’t seen Gon in the hospital and he acted like he didn’t care. If you think about it, Gon is the type of child that doesn’t want things handed to him, so maybe Ging was implying that he didn’t want to see Gon until he continued to push and work towards finding him. Still, that’s a horrible way to reacted once you’ve found out that your son is about to die. Here are some questions that I’m sure most of you have:

Why did Hisoka want to talk to Ging? Does he know that Ging is related to Gon?

Why does he refuse to go anywhere near Gon?

Why does he only talk to Gon on a high tree and not on the ground where everyone else is?

Why did he send his son on a goose chase just to find him?

I don’t want to say that I hate Ging but I strongly dislike him. (If he did do this) Why would you abandoned your child and leave him with your sister for her to raise? Then you send your 12 year old son, who had endured so much emotional pain/trauma from beasts he had to fight along the way, BTW, just to meet you and then you only talk to him once your high off the ground? Ging, not the best guy in the world and certainly doesn’t deserve the #1 Dad mug.

Did Ging do all of this so he could make his son stronger while he was away?

In regards to question 1, I’ve seen some rumors on YouTube implying that Hisoka had an agreement with Ging to watch over Gon until he returns. I’m assuming this was after Gon left home. Ging said that once Gon returns home safely he and Hisoka will fight until the death.

Do you all remember when Hisoka told Gon something along these lines at the end of their fight at Heaven’s arena?

Many people have suggested that Hisoka had been protecting Gon and Killua from fighting opponents they wouldn't win against and it makes sense. He wouldn’t let them pass until they learned about Nen and beat the crap out of them hoping that the pain would cause them to quit fighting and never receive their Hunter’s License or take on strong opponents. Now if that last part is true, why would Ging set up an entire game to lead Gon to him? That's still twisted no matter how you look at it. Like I said, this manga is twisted in ways that I can't understand, lol.

Hisoka and Gon consistently fighting reminds me of Danny Phantom and Vlad Plasmius.

Another person implied that Hisoka and Kite were people directed by Ging and along the way included Bisky (just by coincidence).

I would like to make a note. Pictures that were taken of young Ging portrayed him to be a happy and proud man but present day Ging looks angry, unhappy, and always ready to fight. Could this be due to the horrific nature of the Hunter's exam and other opponents that turned his innocence and humanity into something worse? We see the same thing happen to Gon. He was a happy bright kid that allows his anger to spiral out of control...and always wants to fight.

Well, you know what they say: Like father like son.

Ging and Gon finally have a talk as father and son.

Apparently, Ging is on his way to the Dark Continent and forbids Gon to follow him. Overall, Ging has a toxic love for his son by consistently pushing his away until the very last second. I don’t know what is up but this anime is the definition of toxic love.

I can definitely say that Ging is a much better father than Zarkon. At least he acknowledges Gon unlike Zarkon who thinks his son is weak because he is half Altean. Damn, anime/manga’s; what’s up with the toxic father trope? Is this supposed to be the driving force to marketing these male characters stronger? Not going to lie, the toxic or sexist father trope is old and annoying .

This part of the analysis is based form what I’ve heard about Ging, YouTube clips, and what has been said about him. Of course I’m probably leaving out a lot of information but that’s because I haven’t seen the rest of the seasons.

Judging from photos kept around the house, Ging always wore his hat over his eye. I guess he was going for the Emo look when he was younger. His hat has hairs stick out from it which probably implies a certain type of cloth the hat is made from. In other instances, He has his hair sticking up like Gon’s but has a cloth wrapped around the edges. He wants them to be on fleek you know? Other times he just has his hair out with no hat or cloth. He usually wears white pants, shirt, and a blue cloth over his front and back side.

I hope you all enjoyed this. I did try my best and I am so sorry that it is short.

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general-light · 3 years

Text

As much as I stand that Fundy has the right to be angry at Wilbur’s honestly awful parental skills, I do take issue with some perceptions of his relationship with Fundy. [Or: the blame isn’t one sided, and can we stop seeing situations as black and white, please?]

A lot of people place full blame on Wilbur for leaving Fundy in Manberg, when he needed his father most, and place further blame for turning his spy diary down so harshly. But, come on guys, let’s see some of the common arguments from his corner.

• Wilbur was exiled very forcefully.

• Upon first return to the territory, he watched Fundy tear down the walls (an act of betrayal - would you go rescuing a son who has spat in your face? I would have come to the conclusion that he doesn’t want rescuing as well.)

• Upon an actual infiltration to potentially help supporters, Wilbur watched Fundy eagerly put up the new flag (unprompted, if I remember rightly).

• Later, he listened to Fundy DISOWN him while simultaneously sucking up to Schlatt (yes, an act, but if Wilbur doesn’t know that, how does that make it better?)

• By the time Fundy came clean it was too late, and his actions’ effects had taken hold - his father had completely broken down, and was nearing the end of his arc. You can’t expect sudden forgiveness from a man you have helped ruin the trust of.

• He wasn’t in a good mental state for a long time. It’s kinda not poggers to blame someone for self-detonating after being one of the strongest causes for it, and I’ll be honest, he really needed help more than he needed to be yelled at. (Most ‘Stop Wilbur’ schemes focused on stopping his detonation and never went further.)

• After death, his memories are lost due to trauma - not poggers to blame him for it (and not poggers to call it a willing deflection of consequences), when it’s literally a trauma response.

• Also, referring to or thinking of Wilbur’s self-detonation/suicide (because that’s what his death was, it was just assisted by Phil) as ‘taking the easy way out of his own consequences’ is... bad vibes.

• He is trying the best he can with his deteriorating memory. When it comes to deflection of consequences, yeah - backing out isn’t a great thing to do, but let’s be honest, Ghostbur is in a permanently volatile state. He’s not ready for the discussion yet, and Fundy probably isn’t either.

It should be recognised that BOTH parties are in the wrong in this familial situation - a mutual case of lack of communication. Both parties need to apologise. Wilbur needs closure for his memory, and then, they need to have an honest to god talk about how they have wronged each other.

• Wilbur needs to address and apologise for not being a good father before exile and trusting him too little as President, for coddling his son and ignoring his actual wants and needs, and for acting dismissive in order to defend himself.

• Fundy needs to address and apologise for neglecting to inform Wilbur of his act, sending his father into a spiral due to his betrayal, and then for angrily expecting his father not to be impossibly traumatised from being exiled and betrayed (seriously, don’t blame a man for his involuntary coping mechanisms). (Fundy was an adult all through the canon storyline, remember.)

#dream smp #mcyt #wilbur soot #itsfundy #fundy #I have had many thoughts about the weighted blame in the fandom.#i ramble #yeah i’m a wilbur apologist.#suicide tw #mcytblr

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buckys-old-habits · 3 years

Text

Line Without A Hook (Spencer Reid x Reader)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader (platonic)

Summary: Spencer is a broken man and sometimes he needs help facing his demons and doubts. Is it all really worth it?

Word Count: 1.9k

Genre: Hurt / Comfort

Inspiration: Line Without A Hook by Ricky Montgomery

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“There never can be a man so lost as one who is lost in the vast and intricate corridors of his own lonely mind, where none may reach and none may save.”

― Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky

Working for the FBI is a challenge, office hours are horrible and the world never sleeps in the sense of the bad it can produce.

The BAU is a special department that is necessary, saving people, catching bad guys, and being all and all nearly invisible in the back. Delving deep into the twisted and poisoned thoughts of people, formed by death, trauma, and snapped minds. Getting to know the horrible truth of what a broken childhood or a rejected mind can make people push to do.

Day in and day out, watching, analyzing, staring death and danger in the face, pureness getting swallowed by the darkness of the world. Emotions and people’s lives getting lost and twisted. Seeing the aftermath of a person tortured, mutilated, traumatized, killed in the worst sense. Dead inside but staying alive for the outside world.

Happy endings get swallowed by the next bad case, paperwork making you all relieve the horror you will carry into your sleep and dreams. Making you lock your door twice as secure as normally, work sneaking itself into your daily life.

This work does things to all the members of the BAU, things that they try to hide and don’t want to remember any time soon.

Kidnappings, drug uses, bullet wounds, mental and physical torture, loss through unsubs, the nagging feeling of doing the right thing and still not saving everyone, the downfall of your psyche because you were too slow and finally the reality that the bad in the world won’t just go away.

In the years you were a part of the BAU you saw and experienced a lot of loss and trauma, on yourself or your trusted friends. You saw people come and go, happy at the start and broken in the end, smiles replaced by frowns.

Gideon, Elle, Emily, Strauss, Alex, Kate, Aaron, Derek, and many more left because the job got in the way and too much. Trauma and resignment making them change their view on life and considering another way.

You understand them and wish them all the best in the world, a life away from all the terrors that plague the daily world.

But one person isn’t leaving, is still suffering in silence and putting on a strong face. A boy forced by trauma to grow into a man, a man that went through so much, alone and broken.

Dr. Spencer Reid is the textbook example of the way this job with the BAU can form and bend you. He suffered through kidnappings, forced drug use, bullet wounds, near-death experiences, loss of his lover, betrayal, prison, family issues and so much more. And he never even said a word when the world was showing him its darkest side.

People noticed and tried to help, but Spencer is a stubborn man, pushing his needs and emotions into the background and giving his all for others and the cases. His genius mind can’t handle the thought of burdening someone else with his problems. He rode himself into them, so he has to find a way out.

Sadly you saw the downfall of that thinking a few times. The secretive drug use while everybody knew, him shutting down after Maeve’s death, the way he grew harder to face the terror of the world.

The way the soft and sweet boy from the start was forced to hide under a strong and colder man to protect himself from the jobs’ impact on the psyche.

It’s not unusual for Spencer to disappear after some cases, just touched down with the jet and he is off, his head filled with dark and confusing thoughts. You watch him every time he rushes off the plane, throwing tight-lipped smiles to your coworkers.

These are the moments where you realize that the young boy inside him is breaking through, threatening to drown under the darkness he accumulated over the years.

You say your goodbyes to the others and follow the man out of the building, trying to catch up to him. Being one of his best friends sadly grants you the knowledge of how deep his thoughts can spiral and the way he tries to sift through them by himself.

The way he will self sabotage himself until he is broken and doesn’t see the good in himself anymore. Breaking him out of that spiral is nearly impossible, but you can slow the fall if you coax him out of his mind, which is your goal for this day. Further help will come when he accepts it.

It’s late in the afternoon, the sun slowly setting and dipping the world into some fiery oranges and reds, a stark contrast to the green under your feet. When Spencer spirals he hides away from the world, trying to find comfort in the calm and quiet. While that was his apartment once, it holds too much sorrow and other words now for his mind to form its own.

A soft smile settles on your lips when you see the familiar tall figure slumped under a weeping willow, the irony of the name not passing you by. It would have been amusing if you didn’t know the depths the tree already saw coming from Spencer. The many tears and dark thoughts that flow all around the dark bark.

The lake was a resort of calm for Spencer, becoming his new safe haven. Not many bad things happen here and it’s secluded enough to let his thoughts wander, allowing him to break apart under the green leaves and the protective shield of the hanging branches. Maybe he specifically sought out this tree because of the name. It’s a place for him to weep and feel his emotions.

Slowly, to not startle the man, you settle on the soft grass, keeping some distance between your folded legs. Spencer doesn’t deal well with touch and when his mind is occupied it's even more unwelcome. His body will reach out when it needs the comfort of another person.

Calm and silence encase you, only the warm wind rustling through the heavy branches and the soft whispering of the water in the lake, reminding you of the life in nature.

The first time you found Spencer here, through the help of an app on his phone, the calm stifled you and made you worry a lot more about his mental health. But now you can see the way it is the opposite of the job, the cases, the horror, the darkness.

Spencer shifts beside you, his leg nudging yours and you smile, keeping your eyes on the water. Many visits here made him realize he can open up to you, but he still feels like a burden, so you learned to wait.

Wait for him to speak, to settle his thoughts, and open himself up to another person. Sometimes it only takes minutes, sometimes hours and sometimes the dark of the night will leave you with no words from him at all.

Quietly you turn your hand so the grass tickles the back of it, opening yourself up for his touch. It takes a bit but then you feel the warmth of his fingers close around yours, hesitant and then stronger and nearly desperate. You stroke his skin and he finally looks at you, mustering you with deep brown eyes, questions lingering just under the surface.

Meeting his gaze, you stay quiet and wait, not breaking eye contact while he tries to sort his thoughts to convey them to you. Because this is the time he wants to share, share his doubts, his dreams, his ideas, and his desperations.

“Is it worth it?”

It’s a whispered and choked question coming from him, his voice shaking at the end, making your heart clench in your chest. It’s a loaded question, one that would make or break him. Squeezing his hand, you take a deep breath and settle your view back onto the lake. To be honest, you asked yourself the same question a lot already. Every bad case lingers for days and the fact that you were too slow, too unknowing, too helpless, settles heavily on you.

Could you have done more? Would the victim still be alive if you were just… better? Faster? More? But this is what breaks you, makes you spiral, and lets you forget the light in life. The good side that challenges the dark.

You look back at Spencer and meet his teary eyes, ready to spill the sorrow and pain he holds.

“I don’t know, Spencer. I won’t lie to you. I don’t know if this job is worth the pain and suffering. But I know that the result will only be the same when you let it dictate you. I once thought that going would be the best course of action, just leave and let it behind you. All the death and blood and horror. But I can’t”, you laugh dryly, the thought heavy on your heart.

“I can’t let the darkness win. I can’t just ignore the way that bad people will win when nobody is fighting for the light anymore. So no, it might not be worth it, but I can’t live with myself when I don’t try. I will lose myself when I let them win.”

You sigh, a deep and heavy sound, making you realize that you aren’t that black and white either. Not as deeply traumatized as Spencer, but still scarred by the job you handle. It seems unavoidable when you stare at the darkest emotions and twisted minds daily.

Spencer’s grip on your hand tightens and his knee settles heavily on yours, desperate for the warmth and the solidity that is your body, your presence.

He is quiet, but you can hear his thoughts running around his brilliant mind, racing to catch his attention. Trying to process your words and applying the meaning to himself, adding to his own beliefs or changing it.

Slowly you lift your hand and touch his cheek, wet with spilled tears, and he watches you, his whole attention on you. You smile, amused by the fact how quickly you dust his mind with a touch.

“Spencer, I would take it all. All the pain, if I could. But I can’t.”

He nods slowly, unknowingly leaning into your touch while you stroke his skin, wiping away the tears and wishing you could heal his broken soul.

“What I can do is give you my promise. I promise you that I will be there to pull you from the depths of your mind. You don’t deserve the darkness that plagues you and I will do my best to make you realize that there is still so much light inside you.”

Spencer takes your hand from his cheek and pushes forward, crushing into your body and clutching onto you. Sobs wrack him and wet tears soak into your shoulder, all his emotions rushing out and leaving him a scared boy, the same one that saw his dad leave.

With a heavy heart, you hold onto him, arms secure around him, shielding him and his vulnerability from the world.

“There's a sorrow and pain in everyone's life, but every now and then there's a ray of light that melts the loneliness in your heart and brings comfort like hot soup and a soft bed.”

― Hubert Selby Jr., Requiem for a Dream

#spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #spencer x reader #reader insert #franca-writes

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jazy3 · 3 years

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Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X13

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Oh my gosh! Wow! There’s so much to say about this episode. I'm so glad that Meredith woke up and appears to be on the mend. As much as I loved the beach, I am ready for Meredith to rejoin society and the land of the living and get back to doing what she does best! I'm glad that Meredith got closure and that we as fans got closure too not just with Derek but with George as well. The beach wedding scene was perfect and the dialogue throughout was great.

I laughed out loud multiple times and Meredith and Derek’s scenes were both funny and bittersweet. I particularly liked Meredith and Derek's lines about how Meredith hates weddings, but Ellis hates the Post It Note story and wishes they had a big wedding. That she would give her that big wedding if she could. I felt like she was also saying she would give Derek that big wedding if she could. I also loved their conversation about Amelia. Derek told her what she needed to hear. Sometimes losing someone close to you at a young age makes you stronger and sometimes it turns you into Amelia.

Amelia has grown so much, but she spent most of her life a mentally unstable drug and alcohol addicted mess spiralling out of control in large part because she witnessed the brutal murder of her father at the age of five. And that’s not to say that Derek wasn’t just as screwed up by what happened to their Dad. He like Amelia became a neurosurgeon always chasing the high. He stayed in a loveless marriage he hated and when Addison cheated on him with Mark he moved to Seattle where he pretended to be single and pursued a relationship with Meredith.

Even after he and Meredith got together, he lied and cheated and repeated that pattern over and over again. First with Nurse Rose and then with Renee his research fellow in D.C. Derek could be selfish, cruel, hypocritical, and jealous. While Amelia’s scars and trauma were more obvious and blatant Derek was just as affected as she was it just showed up differently. Derek makes it clear he does not want that for Zola, Bailey, and Ellis and after talking to him Meredith realizes that she doesn’t either.

I loved seeing Meredith talk about how well Amelia is doing and Derek saying, “I know!” From the moment Derek on the beach I had a feeling they were going to talk about Amelia and the kids and all of that and I’m glad they did. One of my favourite moments of the episode was when Meredith told Derek that Ellis hates the Post It Note story and wishes they had a big wedding and Derek said, "She gets that from my mother!" I loved that they showed Ellis’ drawing on the fridge when Maggie is talking to Winston on the phone.

I love that Meredith and Derek got their beach wedding like Derek talked about in Season 5 when he made Meredith a bed in front of the fireplace. She went from never wanting to get married to marrying Derek on a Post It Note, getting legally married at the court house so that they could adopt Zola, and then marrying him on the beach in her COVID dream and giving Derek and Ellis the big wedding he always wanted and the one Ellis dreams of. So beautiful. I’m glad that they got closure and that Meredith decided to go back and that she knows Derek will be waiting for her when she’s ready, when it’s her time. When she’s old and senile and smelly just like they promised.

But now is not that time. She has kids to raise. Patients to treat. Sisters, friends, and family that need her. And a certain Irish doctor who would very much like to take her for a drink once she’s feeling better. I loved that Meredith realized through talking to Derek that even though her body was tired her soul was still fighting and that she needed to go back to her life. I loved her scene with Zola when she woke up and said, "We love you so much," meaning both her and Derek. That Mommy and Daddy love her so much and that’s why Meredith came back. She gave up on an afterlife with Derek to be with her children, friends, and family in the real world. That was so beautiful.

I loved Maggie's talk with Zola. I love that she took what Catherine gave her about screaming out your feelings and used it to help Zola who has been through so much express her emotions in a healthy way. I really felt Zola's heartbreak and how much she missed her Mom and Dad. I'm glad that Maggie decided to take Zola to visit Meredith. It was risky, but it paid off. The set department did a great job with Zola’s room. When she’s sitting on her bed crying you can see the photo of Meredith and Derek holding her at her first birthday party. You can also see a sock monkey that she had at the dream house.

The slop of the roof indicates that her room is in the attic. At last we saw it Lexie was living in there and Mark was visiting her while they were sneaking around, and it was an unfinished space with wood panelling. It appears that since that time as her family expanded Meredith had the attic finished and turned into a proper bedroom for Zola. We don’t know how big the attic is so it’s possible that there are more rooms up there or that there are more rooms upstairs than what we’ve seen.

I'm glad that Derek was there for Meredith in her time of need and helped her find the will to fight even though she was exhausted. I'm interested to see what's next for Meredith. If we'll see her being discharged in the coming weeks or if they will do a time jump. Will we see her at home with the kids first or back at work? Will her and Hayes finally have that drink? If so, how soon? I want to know more! I’m excited to see Maggie tell her about her engagement to Winston and see her meet Winston properly and get to know him. I’m also excited for what I’m sure will be an emotional scene when she thanks Amelia and Link for taking care of her kids while she’s been sick.

I’m also expecting some very emotional scenes with Richard and Bailey. I’m interested to see how they will address DeLuca’s death. I’d also like to see Jackson’s reaction when he returns from his most recent quest and finds out that Meredith has woken up and is doing better. I’d also like to see someone notify Cristina, Alex, Arizona, Callie, and April that Meredith is doing better. I can’t wait to see Hayes’ reaction to finding out that Meredith is on the mend! My heart!

Now let us turn our attention to the other shenanigans that were going on at Grey Sloan Memorial this week while Meredith was busying getting closure with Derek and waking up. We saw Teddy back at work trying her best to move forward. I was glad to see that she found a therapist that works for her even though it has to be virtual due to the pandemic. I'm glad that Owen was there for her. She really needs a friend right now and as Owen said previously, he's well placed to be that person. I like that he backed her up, but also pointed out that she would be destroyed if something went wrong with Meredith. That lead to her paging Winston to scrub in with her which I think was the right call.

I think Owen did the right thing by rejecting her kiss but choosing to stay with her and let her cry and breakdown. She needs the support right now and while I’m not usually an Owen fan I think he did a good job supporting her this episode. I also really felt for him when he lost a patient he thought they were going to be able to discharge and struggled to tell the family. As he says to Teddy, they did this all the time during the way, but this is different. They are losing patients on a level that they’ve never experienced before, and they can’t even take a moment to catch their breath because they have more patients to treat and pronounce.

My heart breaks for the real life doctors and nurses who are dealing with stuff on a daily basis. It’s so hard. On a lighter note, I really loved Amelia and Link's patient storyline this week. It was funny and interesting, and it was great to see Amelia back in the OR. While it was wrong of Amelia to steal Link’s patient and I think she did overstep I understand why she was so eager to get back into the OR and she was right about what was wrong with the guy.

I understood Link’s anger and frustration, but I also appreciated that he understood Amelia and was there to support her and build her up. I like that he brought in Tom and had him on standby, but also showed complete confidence in Amelia. His line about how Amelia always likes to raise the stakes was hilarious and accurate. Another scene I loved was when Amelia and Link were leaving the hospital and Link thought she was using sexual innuendo and then she clarified that she needed to get home because her boobs felt like they were going to burst, and she needed to either pump or breastfeed. That one cracked me up!

We also saw some amazing acting by Caterina Scorsone when upon arriving home and finding Link’s parents looking after Bailey and Ellis, they rushed to the hospital thinking something was wrong with Meredith. Amelia was riding high from the surgery that day and when she thought Meredith had gotten worse, she panicked only to realize that Meredith’s condition hadn’t changed. Her sobbing and desperation as she said over and over again that she really needed Meredith to live were gut wrenching. Caterina did an amazing job.

I also really liked Bailey and Levi’s patient storyline. The peanut butter brittle woman who took up roller skating was the best! She was funny and helped Bailey see that you need to rest and also follow your joy. The scenes where the woman gave Levi the brittle and then he was smelling it made me laugh! As a result of treating that patient Bailey decided to reverse her earlier decision and let Jo switch specialities. While I’m not on board with that storyline I'm glad that Bailey decided to support Jo in following her joy. Making someone stay in a role they don't like will only make them resent you and make everyone involved unhappy.

That being said, I hate this career switching storyline. It’s so dumb. I've realized with this episode that my opinion on this storyline isn't ever going to change. If they use it as a segue for Jo adopting Luna that could be interesting, but watching Jo leave general surgery behind and re-specialize in OBGYN so she can stand on the sidelines while all the other characters do ground breaking work and cool procedures just seems dumb to me. I am not invested in this storyline at all.

Levi and Jo have great comedic timing which was on full display in this episode. Jackson was MIA this episode because he went roaring off on another one of his quests leaving the person he’s dating in the lurch and telling them about it after the fact. He took a leave of absence from work and then left Maggie a voicemail back in Season 15 telling her he needed some time to think and then went camping in the woods to look at trees which lead to him talking to April and texting a woman he met on this trip behind Maggie’s back. He then left her in the fog on a dark road in an area with bears at the end of Season 15.

Now he’s left Jo to go on an unknown quest that’s 11 hours away. When did Jackson become the guy that just vanishes at random to go do whatever the heck he wants? I was surprised that Nico asked Levi to move in with him at the end of the episode. That was not at all the answer that Levi was expecting so I understand why he ran off and said he promised Jo he'd do a movie night with her. Levi wanted to move in with Nico last season and Nico didn't want that, but instead of just saying that outright he dodged the topic and was a real jerk about it. That resulted in them breaking up and Levi moving in with Jo.

They only got back together because of the pandemic and in the intervening time Levi has grown as a person and no longer wants that kind of a relationship with Nico. When he told him that him leaving his bathroom bag at his place didn't mean he was going to move in with him he was being sincere. He just didn't want to have to keep carting his toothbrush back and forth all the time. In response Nico realized he's always running away from what scares him and pushing people away when they get too close and he wants to fix that, so he asked Levi to move in with him.

Therein lies their problem. They're never on the same page. When Levi wanted to move forward and take that next step Nico didn't want to. Now that Nico wants to move forward and take the next step Levi is no longer interested. What a dilemma. I also noticed that Jo and Levi had very similar outfits at the beginning of this episode. You know you’re becoming good friends with someone when you start unconsciously matching outfits.

Onto the next episode’s promo! We see Jackson driving in the rain, showing up on someone’s doorstep talking to himself about how his appearance might seem impulsive, but he has thought it through. The door opens to reveal April who is holding Harriet in between clips of his and April’s relationship. I have a few theories about this. First off, I think they are faking us out. If there was trouble in paradise and things weren’t going well with April and Matthew, they wouldn’t have had Jackson make a comment in the first half of the season about how Matthew is spending more time with Harriet then he and April are because they are taking more COVID shifts.

April is a deeply religious Christian woman whose faith is really important to her. She was vehemently opposed to getting a divorce even though her relationship with Jackson was clearly over because of her faith. Marriage is not something she takes lightly so I have a hard time seeing her divorce Matthew out of the blue because Jackson shows back up and is in crisis when her and Matthew have been together for the past three seasons and have been married for two.

Also, they are raising two children together and co-parenting one of those kids with Jackson. A lot of court services were shut down in the first few months of the pandemic for safety reasons which made it difficult to get a divorce and this episode takes place in June of 2020. So even if April and Matthew split up they couldn’t legally get a divorce very easily at this time and if April and Jackson got back together they would still have to interact with Matthew on a regular basis because they are co-parenting kids together and there’s no way that April would walk away from Ruby.

The only way I could see April and Jackson getting back together is if Matthew has died or fallen ill somehow. Otherwise I just don’t see it. I think they’re faking us out. I think the clips in the promo are there to entice japril fans and play into that because logistically I don’t see how a storyline in which April and Matthew suddenly divorce and April and Jackson get back together in one episode is possible.

Until next time!

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siarven · 3 years

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Hello everyone!

I managed to finish the fourth version of my main WIP about a week ago and would love to see what other people think! <3 So below there’s an intro, and a mini excerpt from the start of the story can be found under the cut <3

DREAM’S SHADOW|

Book 1 in a series; Version 4.1

LENGTH | 132,166 words (according to scrivener)

GENRE | dark fantasy set in another world, hopepunk, creepy/horror elements, small scope that will transition into epic fantasy later on in the series

POV | first & third person limited, present tense

THEMES & TROPES | hopepunk, sibling dynamics, dysfunctional family, power of kindness & love, platonic love, queer characters, queer-embracing worldbuilding, mental & physical trauma, light & dark, secrets, tragedy, lies, betrayal, loss of innocence, holding on & letting go, cute creatures, (in)humanity, trees, religion & belief, growing up, monsters, dreams, nightmares.

CONTENT WARNINGS | angst, depression, anxiety, manipulation, terrible self-esteem/no self-worth/self-hatred, suicidal ideation, nyctophobia, panic attacks, nightmares, surreality/unreality, spiralling thoughts, body horror (esp eye related), scopophobia, blood, injury, violence, torture, character death (but it’s not what you think,,,)

SYNOPSIS |

When Ava and her parents arrive at the hospital, they find her older brother Ben in a deeply unnatural coma—and nobody can tell them what happened. Despite the magical abilities of the Asim Healers, there seems to be no way to save him. But then, why do they still keep him alive? As Ava slowly learns the magnitude of how terrible Ben’s situation (and impossible his future) truly are, she finds herself embroiled in a larger conflict, ready to hook its claws into her as well. And the one person she cares about most—who always had her back—is gone. So despite everything, there’s only really one choice. Find out how to save him and try anyways.

CHARACTERS |

AVA, 10. She/her/they/them. The Smol Angery Bean. Animal (dragon :3) person, doesn’t get along with people most of the time. Basically got raised by Ben and thinks he can do no wrong.

BEN, 18. He/him. The Responsible One. Good in school, takes care of his dysfunctional family, keeps everything from falling apart. Everyone thinks he’s perfect. Is selfless to a fault. It’s a problem. No self-esteem.

ELINOR, 16. She/her. The Wayward Daughter. Got taken by the Asim as a child because of her inherent magic potential.

... and a few side characters <3

SCHEDULE ETC. |

I don’t really have a schedule during which you’d have to read anything because I’m going to be working on other stuff for the next few months (and let’s face it, we’re all busy anyways). My current time frame is “within the next 4 months would be nice” :)

I’d give you the story in ~15k chunks so it’s not all at once, I can see what you think while you’re reading it, and it doesn’t become too much (and ofc you can stop at any time if you don’t end up vibing <3).

I have a list of questions or you can just tell me what you think as you read, I am not at the point of line edits, this is more "does everything make sense” and pacing-related. <3

If you’re interested, please shoot me a message/ an ask/ email me at [email protected] <33

I’ll also love you forever if you reblogged this post so it can reach more people <3

(Taglist & short excerpt below the cut)

EXCERPT |

He knows he is dreaming because he always does—and he can feel that she shouldn’t be part of this dream even before he sees her.

“Who are you?”

She’s sitting cross-legged on the ground, head tilted in a slightly unnerving fashion. A lazy smile lifts the corners of her mouth, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

“Yes, indeed… a good question. But what you should be asking yourself instead is this: why am I here?” She smiles. Her face is soft and round. Her eyes reflect the sky.

He does not dare look away, even as he swallows. “Then… why are you here?”

“Why, that is a good question!” She laughs. He shivers.

“I am here because it’s beginning, Dreamling. And you are the pivot. The chink.”

His heart-rate picks up at that. Her eyes are sharper now, and there’s something vicious in the way she’s staring at him, in the way her lips curl around that smile.

He turns away and hates himself for it. From the corner of his eye he can see her smile widening. The fear burns like ice in his veins.

It’s getting dark, the sky turning purple and pink and gold even though there’s no sun. A thousand small lights drift sleepily through the air, some close, some further away.

Somehow they make him sad.

“What does that mean?“ he asks, heart in his throat.

She doesn’t reply. Her smile turns cruel.

He shivers.

“Why?” he asks. “I don’t—I don’t...” He trails off when he meets her gaze. Her eyes seem larger than before.

He’s never been looked at like that.

“You don’t get a choice,” she tells him, all traces of playfulness gone from her voice.

“Your kind never does.”

DREAM’S SHADOW TAG LIST | (ask to be added/removed)

#dreamshadow #wip intro #beta call #beta reader #writers on tumblr #long post #<333 thank you for all your support over the past few years #i wouldn't be here without you #feeling very emotional in this chili's tonight

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orsuliya · 3 years

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Dear General, just talk to your wife!

Let it be said: any male hero who interferes in his partner’s reproductive ability without her permission and/or knowledge is usually immediately cancelled in my eyes. That is certainly the case for any piece of media set in modern times. Fantasy/historical heroes get a bit of leeway depending on the cultural context, although not always. But the thing is, just as there are no blanket excuses, there are also no blanket condemnations. And you know what?

I do have to give Xiao Qi a get-out-of-immediate-cancellation card in this case! But not before examining his motivations and all mitigating circumstances. To be clear, I’m up to episode 37 at the moment.

So prepare yourself for Five Reasons Xiao Qi Is Very Much Not Cancelled (But He Certainly Deserves A Very Stern Talking To And Then Maybe A Hug).

To recap: Xiao Qi was told that Awu’s health is fragile and while she is able to get pregnant, any pregnancy is very risky and a considerable danger to her life. Upon hearing this he is visibly moved; three months later, when Awu comes back from the temple, there is a re-do wedding at the Yuzhang Manor, during which Xiao Qi announces that Wang Xuan is going to be the only woman in his life. At some point – either at the temple or after the wedding – Awu starts taking medicine prescribed by the Imperial Physician. The medicine, as Auntie Xu later discovers, is actually a tonic, which can be used to prevent conception. Eventually, though, after a year or two of continuous use, it will render a woman infertile for life. As of episode 37 (41 if I choose to trust the raws) Awu does not know what is going on.

And now onto the list!

1. The man is probably the most panicked he has ever been in his life and his mental state is not that great at the moment.

The first thing to remember is that this whole ‘let’s make Awu infertile’ decision is not taken in a void. It is not a case of an isolated event; the choice comes at an end of a veritable Trauma Conga Line. The exact timeline is very muddled, but in the last few months (up to a year) Awu has been: kidnapped, rescued, attacked by assasins, forced to deal with a rebelling city and then a siege, sent straight into a murderous conspiracy and then recruited to deal with a coup… and only then she was put in the very centre of a second coup courtesy of Daddy Wang. Which caused her to lose her child and her mother on the same day. And let’s not forget all the broken illusions about her family and her first love. That’s a lot to deal with and she is pure steel with a spine of titanium, there is no doubt as to that. But she is not the only one who’s had a really hard year.

From the kidnapping onwards Xiao Qi has been with Awu on this road; more often that not away from her physically, true, but from the moment he declared her his wife who will share his life and death…? He’s been in 100%. And being the strong, dependable, ride or die guy has taken its toll, one way or another.

It is quite noticeable that with every Big Damn Heroes moment he pulls off he gets more and more affected. The bridge rescue and its aftermath? Cool as a cucumber; the guilt and responsibility is certainly there, no fear though. Breaking of Huizhou siege? He’s proud as hell of her accomplishments, but he really came at the very last moment – she was getting ready to be killed rather than taken hostage. And there is this noticeable undertone of relief there. The Red Wedding? By then he is panicking. Hard. Which he readily admits, so it’s not pure conjecture. This man, who has never been afraid of attacking armies and not really afraid of death either, is scared as f***. Mind you, it’s not like he’s ever had anyone to be really scared for before; his soldiers are a different case altogether. And this time he was late, which makes for a really fertile soil for various ‘what-ifs’ during those two days when Awu is unconscious. He was late despite basically pulling off a miracle and risking entering the capital with only 10 000 troops.

And then and only then Daddy Wang pulls out all the stops. Two days of watching his unconscious wife is nothing compared to what happens then. First she runs into the middle of opposing forces, completely disregarding any danger to herself. For him (and her father, but that is beside the point)! I am sure that Song Huaien relayed her words to Xiao Qi once the dust settled. Then... Princess Jinmin dies and Awu starts bleeding.

After… After he claims responsibility for Princess Jinmin’s death. There is no doubt he is feeling doubly, triply responsible for the miscarriage. He can’t really help his wife. And he is grieving for their child. Not only for Awu’s sake, but for his own too.

It all culminates with the Imperial Physician telling Xiao Qi that there is another battle to be fought, one which Awu will probably enter with minimal hesitation and in which he is not going to be able to pull a Big Damn Heroes rescue. So in that moment he clutches at his heart… And – at least I think that’s the moment - takes a split-second decision: NOT AGAIN. Everything after that? He’s only holding to a chosen course.

2. He is feeling guilty as all hell and is overcompensating hard.

Xiao Qi is the epitome of a hyper-responsible hero. And not in the ‘Woe is me, everything is my fault!’ way that brooding heroes tend to veer to. No empty anguish or dramatic self-flagellation there! He is very matter of fact about both his responsibility and perceived guilt. Soldiers die under his command? He will honour their memory and take care of their families. Awu gets kidnapped by his personal enemy? He will admit his guilt without any excuses and offer recompense. Princess Jinmin becomes a victim of a stand-off that he did not even provoke? He will take the blame and then redeem himself by swearing an oath that he will not fail to protect Awu. And he takes his oaths very, very seriously, otherwise the Ma family would have a Really Big Problem.

All that responsibility comes from both his own character and the force of habit. Nobody ever worries about me, he says. To his soldiers he is the strong, infallible one and so he keeps this facade intact despite knowing it’s a load of bull.

So this hyper-responsible man has unwittingly sent his wife into danger, into battle (!) three times already (kidnapping, rebellion in Huizhou, Zilu’s coup) and was part of the reason she entered the fourth one. And while she has acquitted herself brilliantly every time, she paid a very steep price for saving him/the Empire. In his mind, he owes it to her and to Princess Jinmin for it to never ever happen again. And so he is not going to send her into the battle of childbirth for anything under the sun! The thing is, Awu is brave as hell and would enter it willingly in a blink of an eye. So he is arranging things so that she can never do that in the first place.

3. Xiao Qi is trying to spare Awu from mental and emotional anguish. It’s a pattern and one wildly spiraling out of control.

It’s really, really starting to show that Xiao Qi is used to being regarded as the infallible one, the one who must always find a solution and save as many people as he can. And while it is not a problem in Ningshuo, when he needs to tell Awu the truth about her father (and still he hesitates!), it tends to come through quite strongly in moments of stress and/or danger. Which is understandable, I think. In Ningshuo the stakes are not as high, everybody is safe and they are in the middle of Xiao Qi’s fortress, the very centre of his power. If there is any place he feels safe and at home, it’s right there. The capital is a wholly different kettle of fish; even on his first visit Xiao Qi is – quite reasonably – wary and on guard. For him the capital is behind enemy lines. So he reverts to his Infallible General mindset more and more: he keeps telling Awu things, but not all of them (money) and not always immediately (Hulans asking for a bride). Which is really stupid of him since Awu is in many areas just as smart - if not smarter - than him.

It’s not only the Infallible General mindset, though. In fact, that is the least of the problems there. By this point the panic is really setting in and so is the guilt. There is one more thing, though. Xiao Qi has this tendency towards self-deprecation. He does not wallow in it, but the undercurrent of his perceived social inferiority emerges from time to time, moreso in the capital. And it does factor in his behaviour; I sense that he has this need to keep deserving her. Coupled with devotion, it pushes him into a very touching, but also potentially dangerous single-mindedness.

Saving Daddy Wang by kneeling all night long clearly shows that Xiao Qi will stop at nothing to spare Awu’s heart, life and health. Personal pride? Enmity towards Daddy Wang? Political expedience? Disregarded completely. So what’s a year or two of lying if it means Awu lives? He’s set himself a Goal: protect Awu, just as he promised before Princess Jinmin’s grave. And it’s really been blinding him since.

Notice that he did not tell her about saving Daddy Wang either. She had to find out from His Imperial Spudness! True, it all worked out fine then, but whatever his reasons, he still did not tell her. And yes, I get that his reasons were really noble, but! But it is still a pattern, one that I hope she will break him out of rather sooner than later.

4. He is making a great sacrifice too; hear me out! And he does not leave himself an out.

This is the kind of argument that launches a flaming discussion, so please, be gentle. Anyway, we are not going to speak of whether any man has the right to make unilateral decisions about his wife’s body, that’s neither here nor there in this case, since it does not really enter into consideration in the drama itself.

What is clearly very important in the drama is the idea of family lines. The Wang and Xie families are all about this idea of legacy and bloodlines. Bloodlines are Important: propagating the bloodline is Wang Su’s main duty and both families fight over whose blood will sit on the throne. This clan mentality is clearly a Very Serious Business. Admittedly, Xiao Qi is an outsider to the clan-based society of upper classes. But even though his primary social group consists of his brothers-in-arms, he is very acutely attuned to the idea of family being the most important thing. It shows in many aspects of his life: in the care he gives to his soldiers’ families, in the consideration he gives Awu when she encounters another heartbreaking truth about her relatives and in the way he seems to take for granted that she will not stop caring for Daddy Wang no matter what. Also, he clearly likes kids, the mysterious shadow child gave us this much.

So it is not out of the realm of possibility that he would really like to have a child of his own. And why wouldn’t he? Awu may have trouble bearing him children, but there is nothing stopping him from taking a concubine or a dozen for this very purpose. Any other man in this drama would have (maybe except Zilu…?). And the society would not judge him, especially if the truth about Awu’s condition came out. It really is not a monogamistic society. Moreover, since Daddy Wang is not in the picture any more, nobody can even try to force Xiao Qi to keep to one bed (or poison his concubine…), not with his current position and power.

And what is the very first thing he does after Awu comes home? He declares – in public and with great pomp! - that Awu will be his only woman, thus staking his honor and reputation on all his children being hers. Which with the tonic in play means that there will be no children. It is a decision he takes very deliberately and in direct response to the previous events and the Wangs’ fall from grace. In fact, I wager this whole monogamy clause is a way not only to quell the rumours and stop any scheming families in their tracks, but also to keep things fair as much as it is even possible. Awu will not have children, well, neither will he.

5. He is setting himself up and preemptively hogging all the guilt and blame.

The short yet very poignant exchange with Pang Gui in episode 37 makes it clear that Xiao Qi knows quite well he is going to be found out sooner or later. Sure, he would rather that Pang Gui kept mum about everything, but in reality he leaves it wholly up to his judgment. Which tells me that Xiao Qi is not willing to ‘kill’ for this secret. In fact, it might suit his plans if it were to come out… though not at the moment. Maybe after the requisite year or two, once Awu is no longer in any danger. Relying on what we know about his character, I think he is wholly prepared for the truth to eventually come out and then to take all the blame. And I mean ALL the blame. As in: Awu will have no reason to blame herself for her fragile health and thus inability to bear children, if it’s actually Xiao Qi’s fault. He will have gotten her infertile, so her actual ability to give birth safely will be immaterial. She will put all her anger on him and not on herself, and anger he can take, it’s her getting quiet that he can’t cope with. And to hell with what it does to their marriage, she will be alive. Is it stupid, stupid thinking? Sure. But quite probable when you’re dealing with a man this hyper-responsible and clearly unused to family dynamics.

And that’s that. Do I think he is being a single-minded fool? Sure. The man is not perfect after all! Does he need to talk to Awu? Of course, but I get where his unwillingness to do just that comes from. Is it going to bite him in the ass really, really hard? Oooooh, is it! But Xiao Qi is not cancelled and if Awu forgives him, then so should we all.

#this rant may be long and unneeded #but so very satisfying #XIAO QI IS VERY MUCH NOT CANCELLED #why? because I say so #feel free to disagree #the rebel princess #monarch industry #rebel princess meta

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