#you guys are so willing to explore and understand so much for me my journey has been so nice here i just dont know how to describe it

[targaryensluttt]

muse on fire (chapter five)

pairing: aemond targaryen x reader

warnings: smut, fluff , light character description but still referred to as y/n, insert yourself and your features as much or as little as you'd like!

word count: over 4,500 I believe, idk

notes: I am so happy with the feedback and notes I've been getting on this. I'm so glad people understand my obsession with this man. mmmmpfh.

I honestly want to keep going for at least like five more chapters, but who knows?

I have also been debating switching from second person (you) to third, (she/her) because to me it reads smoother. I've kept it at least for this chapter because I want you guys to be able to live the fantasy like I do when I read/write this stuff. Thoughts?

Translations:

jurnegon around, ñuha jorrāelagon.  = look around, my love

chapter one

chapter two

chapter three

chapter four

You awoke to being held, his face tucked into your neck, where he had marked you days before. The slight pressure of his chin resting on the spot made it sting slightly. The sting of it caused you to let out a small groan from the ache and arousal. His arm was wrapped securely under your bosom, clasping your own forearm.This was the first time in your life that you had awoken next to someone. Everyone had been dead and gone at such a young age, and the starts of your mornings had always been spent in solitude. Your heart was beating out of your chest with joy. So, he had stayed with you, you thought. You wished you could remain like this for the rest of your years. You would give much, anything, to have the Prince in your bed like this every morn. You looked over to him, and he was softly snoring. Hmmmm, a snorer, you giggled, with unreasonable delight at the opportunity to find things out about him no one else was privileged enough to know.  You gently turned your body to face his, eager to observe him in such a peaceful state. When he was awake, Aemond always looked weighted down with worry. Even as a child, before his eye was taken (and more so after the event), his brow came to a natural furrow, and he was often seen pacing back and forth with a book in his hand, too concentrated to acknowledge the world around him, or in the training yard, practicing his swordsmanship with whatever poor fool felt brave enough that day to take him on. 

But now, he was serene, even divine. His skin glowed in the morning sun. You frowned when you noticed he had slept with the leather patch on. It couldn’t be comfortable. Still, there would be time to prove to him that he had nothing to be self conscious of, especially around you. You would convince him that he was a true Adonis, a God sent to you from the Heavens above. You couldn’t resist reaching over to lightly trace his features. The prominent bow above his relaxed lips that had fallen into a slight pucker when he slept, down the crook of his long nose, his strong brows that rested above his eye and patch, down again to the side of his face and his chiseled jaw, concluding your short journey of his face by lightly dragging your fingers down his elegant neck, coming to rest at his collarbones. You wanted to kiss him, badly. Realizing there was no reason this couldn’t be done, you softly put your lips upon his, and were surprised when you felt his mouth respond back. He must have been awakened when you were exploring his face, you thought guiltily.

 You gave him short kisses, at first. One, then two, three and four, lips meeting and lingering longer each time.  Before long, he reached to graze his fingertips through your hair, and each time you broke away, enjoying the smacking sounds your lips made together, he started chasing your mouth, unwilling to part your lips. 

“Mmmmmmmmmm” he gave a long, deep sigh when you broke apart for air. His eyes had stayed closed this whole time, letting himself savor the moments you spent exploring him. He would take whatever you were willing to give, gladly, enthusiastically, without reservation, he thought.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been woken up in such a bewitching way before.” He said, before returning his mouth to yours. 

“I’m sorry to have woken you” You said softly, and you meant it, feeling genuine regret for disturbing his deep slumber. 

He rubbed your noses together, so close you could feel his eyelashes brush yours, and replied, “An angel need not apologize for bestowing blessings from Heaven above.” Finally opening his eye to meet yours for a moment, he then closed it again when he kissed one corner of your mouth, then the other, before joining your lips once more. It was so warm, and he took his time, languidly swirling his tongue in your mouth and around yours, gliding and exploring. He reached down to grab your hip, and you responded by slinging your leg over his. The angle was perfect. You could feel his body resting against your cunt, his exposed skin from where his shirt had ridden up in sleep meeting between your legs, feeling your warmth that had increased substantially in the last few minutes. You gasped at the feeling. He was rubbing your side, feeling the dips and hills of your curves, and kissing you deeply, when you both heard the door open.

It was Millie. It had to be. You had forgotten everything that didn’t involve the man in your arms, including the fact that she would show up precisely at the same time every morning. 

You automatically moved to sit up, to free yourself from the scandalous position you had gotten in with him. As you tried to spring up, you felt Aemond grab you to pin you down, so fast your body gave a slight bounce of resistance on your soft bed, but he just moved his body over yours.

“Jurnegon around, ñuha jorrāelagon. I drew the bed curtains after you fell asleep. Be still. She cannot see us.” he whispered into your neck, giving you small kisses, until he reached the spot he’d left the bruise two days ago.

“Good morning, Y/N. Surely you are not thinking of sleeping in on such a fine morning.” Millie said, cautiously. She was not stupid, and there was something in the tone of her voice that you she knew more about your current situation than you wanted her to. 

Aemond had not stopped kissing your neck. In fact, he had only gotten more vigorous in his efforts, running his tongue over your bruise and giving you open mouth kisses down to the beginning swell of your breast. 

Blushing furiously, hands tangled in the Prince’s hair, weakly trying to pull him up, (against every natural physical instinct your body contained) you replied hastily, “No, of course not Millie, I will be up momentarily to take breakfast.”

“Miss, the Princess Helaena would like you to join her and her babes this morning. I suspect she is concerned about you after last night, and wants to make sure you are well.” 

“Very well. I will meet her in her chambers within the hour.” you replied, honestly just trying to end the conversation at that point.

You heard the door swing shut. She had taken the hint. 

Playfully, you smacked the Prince who was still on top of you. “She could have heard you! She could have seen!”

“I suspect she already knows. She is loyal to you, anyway, I don’t care.” He said candidly and forcefully, speaking into your neck, grabbing your tits, and grinding his cock into your panties that covered your cunt.��

The feeling of him covering your body like that was like nothing you ever felt before. The other night, you thought being on top of him was magnificent, and it was, but this felt the same, if not more. Your whole body was radiating pleasure. 

“Oh my gods.” you moaned.

 Feeling his thick cock lay on your cunt, you kissed him, swirling your tongue around his, biting his lip. Hard.

“Mmmmm.” He said, with a smirk on his face, and pulled himself away from you.

“Aemond! What?!” You asked him, unable to form full sentences, and tried to drag him back to you, body alight.

“It seems you have an obligation to attend to this morning, beloved, and if I do not cease now, you will not be leaving this bed in the foreseeable future.” 

Beloved, he had called you.

You could have cried out of both joy and frustration. Your brain was short circuiting. You had no reply but to sit there and look at him with a mopey expression. It was the first time in a great while you wanted to throw a fit to get your way. You could beg, you thought. Surely, he would not be cruel to you, his beloved. 

He watched you think, clearly amused, and reached for you once more, to place a gentle kiss on your forehead.

“Spend the afternoon with me.” he said, stroking your hair and holding your face, eye meeting yours to gauge your response. 

“I-” You thought about continuing to protest his departure, but relented at his suggestion of spending the day with him.

“Yes.” You said, “yes.” 

“I will come for you after breakfast.” He responded, kissing the top of your hand, and then, regretfully, standing to leave. 

You saw him adjust his hard cock in his trousers, trying to hide it, (although you suspected that would prove to be a difficult task for the Prince)  staring at you all the while with a devilish look on his face, then turned, and left.

Falling back on your bed, you took a moment to collect yourself. You felt like you were burning in the sweetest fire, and a wicked idea drifted into your mind. You had to calm yourself before breakfast anyway, you reasoned. Helaena could sense moods well, she would know even more so that something was up if you came in there tense. 

Closing your eyes, you touched your lips, which were still swollen from kissing Aemond. Reaching down lower, you lightly touched the bruise he had ran his tongue over only minutes before. It was still wet from his mouth. You reached up to grasp your breasts, wishing it was his large hands replacing yours. You remembered the way he had squeezed them, and rolled his fingers. You mimicked the action, and started breathing heavily again, open mouthed. Keeping one hand on your breast, you reached for your cunt, still noticeably wet through your underwear, and laid three fingers flat against your clit. You began rubbing at the pace Aemond had been thrusting his cock when he was humping you through his night pants. Thinking of him and the attentions he had given you this morning, and the other night, It was not long before you sped up and were writhing so hard you practically fell off the bed. Rather quickly, you had met your release, nothing but The Prince’s stare in your mind.

Coming down from the moment, you began to get dressed. Aemond was still very much on your mind. After your orgasm, though, you felt the bubble of bliss that had formed waking with him in your bed begin to deflate.

You had been at the Red Keep for now twenty years. You had grown up with the royal family. 

The Queen had all of that time to betroth you to her son, if she wanted to. 

And she had not. 

Aemond was willful, and good at getting what he wanted, yes, but you weren’t even positive what he wanted was you. At least, not like that. Not for the rest of his life. He had certainly not yet said so. 

You knew he would not dishonor you on purpose. But you found yourself wondering if he had just been caught up in the moments between you two, acting on what was a simple flirtation in his mind. The connection you had was real, surely, you felt it as much as you could feel the grass between your fingers, or the flames roaring in your fireplace. But was it enough for him, to give himself up to you, body and soul, for all your lives? Because that was what you wanted from him. For him to truly be yours, unabashedly. 

He was dashing. He was beyond intelligent, and talented at everything he set his mind towards. He was the dragon rider of the largest in the world. He could be ruthless, and there was a whole world out there, his oyster for the taking, if he wished it so. 

And you. An orphan. Not the most graceful woman around, nor a Princess, with little but gold coin to offer his family and your heart to offer him. 

What if he thought of you as he would a mistress? 

Your heart panged painfully, the thought of it made you feel nauseous. Humiliated, even. 

You frowned, the topic weighing heavily on your mind, and made your way to the Princess’s chambers. 

The walk there was a blur, as you were so lost in thought, and you almost walked right into the knight stationed outside her room. 

Nodding once at you, seeming not to notice you almost tripping over him, or at least really good at pretending he didn’t, he opened the door and announced your presence. 

Seeing you enter, Helaena put down the apple she was about to bite into, and ran towards you, enveloping you into a hug. 

“Y/N!!!” she squealed, hugging you harder. 

Momentarily, the despair that had entered your mind had vanished. The Princess always made you feel better- she was so warm, so genuinely kind, and you could tell she really did care about you a lot. 

You hugged her back, and noticed her blonde haired twins babbling in the middle of the room, laughing and playing with the many toys the Princess had spoiled them with. The sight gave you more cause to smile. You were so glad Helaena had them. Her own little family, you thought, and your heart panged with a bit of jealousy, never having had anything of the sort yourself. 

She pulled back to look at you, hands resting on your shoulders. 

“Sister, how are you? You gave me such a fight when your head hit the floor last night!”

She called you sister on and off during your lives, but lately, you noticed she was doing it even more so. It made your heart warm. It was an honor to you that she thought of you so. 

“I am fine,” you replied, blushing with embarrassment that you had worried her by fainting. 

“I will believe you, but only because I was told the Maester has cleared you!” She said, teasingly. 

“And where did you get this information, Princess?” You asked back, curious of her sources, but mostly teasing her as well. 

“Aemond told me this morning, of course.” 

“He told you?” You asked her, trying to sound casual but most likely failing miserably. 

“Of course, Y/N. I tried to show him Jaehaera‘s new tooth, and he ignored me completely! It was all he could speak about!” She said, almost indignantly. 

Your heart pounded in your eardrums. It seemed he was not doing a good job keeping your new relationship a secret.  He never was good at hiding his feelings anyway. But how far did those feelings truly stretch? Maybe he was able to talk so much about you freely because he did not take it seriously, and did not feel the weight of the situation as you did?

“Y/N, something troubles you, I can tell” Helaena said, looking at you very solemnly.

“It’s nothing, Princess. Let us eat and play with the twins! I feel like I haven’t seen them much lately.” You insisted, and she relented at the mention of her babies, letting you draw her to the middle of the room where Jaehaera and Jaehaerys played. You stopped by the breakfast table that was full of a wide variety of fruits, juices, pastries, and jams, then proceeded to pick out both of your favorites, along with some soft things specifically for the twins, that would be gentle on their developing teeth that often still pained them.

You all sat cross legged on the floor, enjoyed your breakfast, and had a delightful time, chatting with one and other and laughing with the children. They really were good babies, you thought. Attached to their mother, so much so that if she left them for too long they would endlessly wail until she returned, but could anyone really blame her for raising them like that? You definitely did not. If you ever had children, you thought, you also would want them to be your constant little companions. You did not wish to leave the raising to nannies and maids and septas. You had been so alone in that way as a child, and you feared that as a mother,  you would be hard pressed to let them out of your sight. 

Jaehaera had fallen asleep in your arms mid you trying to feed her some porridge. You stared down at her, watching her sleep peacefully in your arms, and smoothed back her hair, that was as silver as her parents, of course. 

“She was up all night. I am glad she is finally resting, her teeth were bothering her and nothing the Maesters gave me for her seemed to make her any better.”

“Poor babe” you said, still staring, enjoying the weight of a baby in your arms.

“Y/N, would you ever want children?” Helaena asked, watching you observe the sleeping baby. The subject surprisingly had not come up between you two before. The twins were very active usually, and they kept you both busy focusing on their antics to have moments of peace when you two could really talk.

“Yes, very much so.” You confessed to her, in a small tone, smiling sadly.

Helaena lightly touched your hand that rested on her baby’s head, and whispered slowly, ”four…four of them.” 

You snapped your head up to look at her when she said this to you. She had a wide eyed, unfocused look on her face. You just stared back at her in shock until she shook her head left and right, seeming to come back to the room you were in. 

“Helaena…what…” you asked, thoughts scattered, too scared to ask what she meant by that. Because you already knew, really.

She just moved her hand that was still resting on yours to the side of your face briefly, smiled, and let her hand fall. It seems she had no reply to your unformed question. Your heart pounded against your chest, and swelled with hope. Four of them, she had suggested. You wanted to put the thought of it all out of your mind. Having hope like that was dangerous, and made for a higher fall when you were torn from that high up place. You also knew Helaena’s thoughts, or prophecies, as some called them, could be interpreted in many ways. 

The rest of your breakfast was quiet, both of you trying not to disturb the now both sleeping babies. The Princess had decided she would rest along with them, as she was also unable to sleep when they were in pain the night before. You bid them all goodbye, and gently laid Jaehaera in her ornate crib, kissing her on the forehead before you turned to leave. 

Walking down the halls, you felt a combination of both sadness and content, the latter being because of the wonderful morning you’d had with two of your favorite people, and sadness at Helaena’s sudden prediction, not truly being able to  believe something so beautiful could happen to you. You had accepted being alone, without anyone really wanting to make you part of their family. You were even comfortable in the loneliness. It was safe. You could not get hurt there. 

Then, two days ago, you and your best friend had kissed in the middle of the night in his chambers, and you felt yourself changing. Desire of all kinds had been re-awakened within you, including the renewed feeling of wanting to belong somewhere, to have true kin of your own. For someone to make you their home. Preferably, someone with long blonde hair, an eyepatch, and the largest dragon in all of Westeros. But, you scolded yourself for having these feelings. You felt yourself wanting to retreat back into solitude, where it was safe and predictable. 

Lounging back in the little nook by your window, you curled up with a book you had read many times before, and wondered if The Prince really would come for you this afternoon. It was not as if he had ever ditched you intentionally before, but he was a busy man, bound to his duties. Huffing, you slammed your book shut and held your head in your hands, frustrated at yourself for caring so much. Just as you were trying to redirect your train of thought to something that didn’t involve the dashing Prince who was invading every corner of your mind, you heard something hit your window. You ignored it, at first, until you heard it again. And again. Lifting your head, you peered down, to see the same man standing below in the grass who had been occupying your thoughts.

“Y/N!” He called. 

You opened your window wider and leaned out further, so you could hear him better, with a big, stupid grin on your face at the sight of him. 

“My Prince. This is certainly an unorthodox way to get my attention. You’ve not thrown rocks at my window since we were one and three.” You said, teasing him. 

“Yes, well, that may be so…but will you still do me the honor of joining me in the garden?” He asked, hands cupping his mouth to project his voice, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. 

“Hmmmmmm,” you replied, still teasing him, and put on a thinking expression, then raised your hand to put your first finger on your cheek and your thumb under your chin. You might have puffed your chest out so your bosom was displayed for him to admire from below, but if he ever asked about that, you would adamantly deny it was on purpose. 

“Don’t make me climb up there and get you that way. You know I will, dearest.” He said, grinning wickedly. 

You shivered at the suggestion his words contained. You knew he would climb your wall and carry you down himself if he had to. He was jesting back, but also completely serious in his threat to take the drastic course of action. It was a tempting thought, and you seriously considered making him wait longer, just so he would make good on his threat. 

Relenting, you told him yes, you would, trying to keep your voice impassive but knowing your expression of pure happiness would betray your real feelings about being asked to stroll in the gardens with him.  

You practically ran down the stairs, lifting your skirts so you wouldn’t trip and avoiding colliding into servants who stood to the wall to let you pass in a hurry. You slowed yourself before reaching the main doors, wanting to appear more nonchalant before Aemond than you actually felt. When the guards went to open the large doors that led outside, you abandoned that idea, impatiently tapping your foot while the heavy doors took forever to swing open. 

He was waiting for you right past them. You smiled brightly at him,and he reached for your hand to give it a soft kiss as a greeting, keeping his eye on you all the while. He did not release your hand, rather, he intertwined your fingers together, and wordlessly led you to the inner gardens. You walked past other nobles and staff. They whispered in each others ears the moment their eyes locked on you and Aemond walking hand in hand. You looked to him for guidance, or a reaction, but he kept his face ahead, his signature sly smirk adorning his face the rest of the walk. 

He didn’t seem worried about what the hell they assumed anyway. It was not as if anyone would dare challenge him. You had to remind yourself that he was known as the most fearsome, capable, and daring Crown Prince in the castle. Violent too, to those who crossed him. He was rarely unarmed, even if he outwardly appeared to be, like today, he wore his long black coat with the silver clasps, but you’d bet ten gold dragons that he had his handsome dagger, the one he’d held to his own brother’s throat just the night before, made of valyrian steel and dragonbone, hidden in it’s black sheathe under his jacket. 

You reached the gardens, and took in the scene before you. It was like he had recreated yours and Helaena’s picnic a few days prior, but far more extravagant. There was a table low to the ground, filled with silver bowls of exotic fruits, breads, honey, fresh, creamy butters, flagons of red and white wines, and numerous books piled high capping the end. He had also had some of your drawing supplies brought down, and your sketchbook, too. A wooden flat black box with intricate gold carvings was purposely laid in the center. The ground was layered with thick quilts and furs, and a small tent had been set up in case you wished to get out of the sun. It was a nice autumn day, still cool from it being the early afternoon, but sure to warm up later. 

You looked at him, dumbstruck, with no real response in your mind, but to grab him and hug him as hard as you could. He gripped you back, and for a long moment, you two just stood there holding each other, swaying softly, his hand stroking your hair, both enjoying the moment. He spoke first, but not to you. With a quick dismissive wave of the hand that was holding your waist and a “You may leave us,” the garden’s courtyard cleared of castle staff quickly. He lifted your chin from its resting place on his chest, and said, “I wish to give something to you.”

“But Aemond, My Prince, this is already too much, I don’t even know what to say.” you replied, blushing hard but a smile still lingering on your face.

“This is nothing. For you? This is nothing, darling. I’d do anything, anything, for you, and I want to make you see. You have to know. You must know…” he said, trailing off, fingers caressing the side of your face, down your neck to the tops of your exposed shoulders. 

He released you, only to turn to the table to grab the handsomely decorated box. It had golden dragons breathing fire, two of them, intertwined.

“This made me think of you. It has been in my family for a very long time, and I wish for you to have it.” he told you, whispering in your ear from behind. You heard him unlatch the box and move your thick hair to one side of your neck. He then took what was in the box out, and you held your breath as he draped a delicate silver chain around your neck and clasped it shut. 

You felt the weighty pendant lay above your breasts, and you looked down to see what it was. 

A large, black opal. Bigger than a golden dragon coin, and it sparkled brilliantly in the sun. Aemond moved back to the table, to grab a mirror, and handed it to you, so you could have a better look at it. You gasped. It was as if it contained the essence of fire itself. Deep within the black stone, flickers of reds, orange, blue and green danced in the light. You couldn’t keep your hands off of it, even as a wealthy lady who had owned more than her fair share of jewels, you had never seen a piece so enchanting before. You shook your head in disbelief. Just as he did this morning, he rested his chin in the crook of your neck, watching your reaction closely in the mirror, and asked you tentatively, “Do you like it?” 

You laughed out loud at the absurdity of the question, and spun around. “Like it? Like it?! Aemond, I…” you paused, making sure to meet his eye, willing him to understand your feelings not only about the necklace, but hint about the ones you had for him too, and said, “I love it. I adore it. It is too much for someone like me. I cannot possibly accept.” Even though, you wanted to.  

You looked back down at the black opal, which was now glimmering orange and red in the light, and looked back up at him, gaze landing on his lips. Clicking his lips with disproval, he began, “You would deny me?,” likely to argue with your statement about the necklace being too beautiful for you, but you stopped him, laying a finger upon his lips. He silenced himself, but kissed it. Your heart swelled at the gentle gesture. You did not yet have the words you needed to show him how you felt, or even the courage to really acknowledge them. How touched you were by this moment. You wanted, needed, to show him. Tentatively, as technically you were still in a very public setting, you raised yourself up to your toes, and joined your lips with his. You kissed him deeply, and slowly. You tugged at his hair, that was done loosely half up with a silver clasp in the back, freeing it. You did not let him take a breath that was not one you shared. He responded enthusiastically, and held you tight around your waist. The birds chirped, the bees buzzed, and the trees rustled, but neither of you heard anything that wasn’t the sweet smack of your lips coming together and apart, again, and again, and again. 

Taglist:

@daddysfavoritesexkitten

@xcharlottemikaelsonx

@mrswhitethornbelikov

@joniinoj

@criesinsagitarius

@parabatai-winchester

@nomugglesallowed

@tresefitzgibbons

@landlockedmermaid77

as always, let me know if you wish to be added or removed :) <3

#aemond targaryen #aemond targaryen x you #aemond targaryen x reader #aemond one eye #aemond targaryen fanfic #aemond targaryen imagine #aemond targaryen smut #aemond targaryen x oc #aemond x reader #house of the dragon fanfiction #house of the dragon fanfic #aemond x y/n #aemond targaryen fluff #hotd imagine #hotd fanfic

[noblest-roman-of-them-all]

Hey, Patton, Happy Birthday! On time this year even, look at that. A lot has changed since I last wrote you one of these, I feel like I saw that to everyone when I write these letters, but it's true. Especially this year. I moved across the country, Patton. Like. Big changes. I've been here for a while now and there are still times where it doesn't feel real. It really has been a lot of good change though.

You know, usually when I write these things it's because I want to say thank you for some lesson I've learned from you guys or a lesson that has reminded me in some way of you, something that...we could learn together or that we both could benefit from, something kind of sentimental along those lines. And I'm finding that...that can be uncomfortable sometimes.

See, what I've learned and what I need to continue unpacking is that the faith I grew up in...wasn't everything I thought it was. I'm realizing how much of themselves the people who taught me put into sermons and lessons on the Bible. I feel like if anyone's going to understand how hard that is to get your mind around, it's going to be you.

There are pieces of my faith that I want to hold onto and there are pieces that...I'm not even sure weren't solely personal beliefs being taught as doctrine. And it's been hard. But. I see how much you're striving to learn and to grow in some of these similar areas. The conversations y'all have been having about lying and selfishness and all if the nuance that can go into those topics, those are hard topics, especially when it's making you questioning things you've been taught your whole life, and especially when those things come from some place like church. Something that should be helping and guiding you to being the best version of you that you can be, something that you were taught is supposed to be a cornerstone of your life. I see you having those conversations and I'm a little awed by you. It's been hard, I know, but you've been handling it all with such grace. You've been doing your best to grow, and I admire you for that. And I'm proud of you.

I have...a really long way to go in this journey, I know that. As much as I want to learn to reconcile with my faith, I have some alter in out system who don't want anything to do with any kind of religion and others who want to explore other faiths entirely, the idea of working with Apollo and/or Loki has been brought up. And those are things that make me feel a little uncomfortable, but I think they're still conversations worth having.

I want to do better, Patton. And seeing you learning and growing, gives me hope that I can. One step at a time. And I hope that...maybe you're proud of me too.

So on your birthday, I want to say thank you so much for being vulnerable, for being willing and wanting to grow, for setting a good example of circumnavigating some pretty messy topics. I know it hasn't been easy and I know you've haven't been perfect at it, but honestly, that makes it so much better of an example. Because you keep going. You haven't given up on yourself or any of the other Sides and that is so important to see.

Thank you for being you. I'm so proud of you, Patt. Happy Birthday.

And thank you to @thatsthat24 for sharing this wonderful character and series with us. I mean it truly when I say it's changed my life in the best way possible.

#sanders sides #patton sanders #thank you and birthday letters

[harveyyaps]

TRANSITIONING MASTER-DOC ⋆𐙚₊˚⊹♡

hello my fellow transgender and queer comrades alike! this is a re-make of a master-doc i made quite some time ago. it focuses on the super early portions of transitioning socially as a newly found / questioning trans person! i have been trans for all of my life and been outwardly trans for around four years now. i often see ‘transition guides’ that focus on later steps in one’s personal gender identity journey — so my goal is to give as much information on being transgender in the complete beginning. from questioning to fully socially transitioned, i’m your guy!

for introductory purposes!: my name is harvey (he/him/his), and i am a binary trans guy who is pretty cool! overall i’m just trying to fight for my rights in a day-by-day fashion. i’ve done my best to layout this doc in a ‘step-by-step’ fashion because i find that time and time again, linear learning is the most effective; so without further ado, enjoy this personal project of mine!

TABLE OF CONTENTS ˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ CHAPTER 1

1.0 — your egg has broken! (COMPLETED)

1.1 — questions to ask yourself about being under the transgender umbrella. (COMPLETED)

1.2 — how to accept your newly found queerness. (WIP)

1.3 — don’t rush into ANYTHING, experimenting can never hurt someone. (WIP) ---------------------------------

SO, YOUR EGG HAS BROKE!

in popular trans spaces (mainly reddit), the saying of having a 'broken / cracked egg' is extremely common. in general terms, it means that you have accepted your obvious queerness in trans spaces and that you can no longer live in denial! hooray! or really - oh no!

real talk here, this can be and will be a bit scary. for some, this news is just news, and for others this can be mind-blowing and feel like the end of the world! but don't panic, the world will not come crashing just because you allow yourself to feel joy. i find that this stage will definitely take some time to process and actually sit through. before you go on and start to question all you've ever known about how you're perceived in society, take a moment and just accept.

accept the fact that being queer is not a gross or uncommon thing, and that you being trans is not something that you should ever let interfere with your own interpersonal self worth (disregarding dysphoria in this statement.) it personally took me a long time to admit that this was reality, that I am queer and that's not negative.

once you allow yourself to process that your willing to take the time and effort into truly understanding yourself, the process will smooth itself over. pinkie promise.

---------------------------------

A SIDE OF QUESTIONS, PLEASE!

these questions are to be asked to yourself in terms of understanding your newly found identity. it’s important to understand your answers from a viewpoint of being transgender rather than being cis and vise versa.

how long have you questioned or felt different about your gender identity?

what was the first inkling or sign that made you start to question your gender identity?

do you feel distress or discomfort with the gender you were assigned at birth?

what does your ideal gender expression or presentation look like to you?

have you researched or leaned about identities such as non-binary, gender-fluid, etc.? do any of those resonate with you?

what are your biggest fears or concerns about being transgender?

once you’ve answered and pondered these questions, you can better understand yourself and where you stand with your gender identity. if you’ve come to these answers and realized you are cis — then you can stop here! you are not trans! but if your gender identity has proven to be queerful and worth exploring, you can move to the next section.

---------------------------------

QUEER IS NOT A DIRTY WORD!

so — you’re transgender. you are queer. this is a new feeling, a scary one even. but it is able to be navigated through. and this new revaluation does not need to be a negative experience. i am here to guide you through these new feelings!

1. allow yourself time to process! you do not need to rush into anything, sitting with these new revaluations is important and the best first step for acceptance. it can feel world shattering to realize you’ve been in denial or pushing down certain feelings — sometimes even leading to regression; but let yourself just feel. understand. and try and refrain from panicking. remind yourself that being queer is not shameful or something bad.

2. work on actual acceptance! self compassion and self acceptance go along with overall radical acceptance and being queer. internalized transphobia is one of the biggest issues that come with accepting yourself, due to wanting to be yourself leading to pushing down other trans people that don’t fit your personal box. however, internalized transphobia is normal! and is able to be worked through. it comes with the need to prove yourself and be the ‘right kind’ of queer — but in reality, there is no right way to be queer!

last updated: 4 / 7 / 24 :: 10:20 PM

#transgender #ftm #masterdoc #trans masterdoc #anti terf #transitioning #trans positivty #trans women are women !!!! #trans men are real men #transmasc #transfem #trans pride

[namazunomegami]

11 and 21 for the writer ask thing!!

Omg, girl, you're a blessing!

11. Books and/or authors who influenced you the most

No doubt, Frank Herbert is the one who influenced me the most. Like, he literally changed my writing style and techniques from the basics when I read Dune. I absolutely abide his rule that "if you want to be a great writer, write about what you know best" or something along the lines. Basically, write about what you're interested in and willing to put effort in it. In Herbert's case, he was interested in how environtments change people and vice versa, to me I guess it's how people have an effect on each other and I know dysfunctonial relationships like the back of my hand.

I also like subverting tropes in the way that he did with Dune and the whole "hero's journey/chosen one" thing. And using an omnipresent/omniscient narrator, constantly switching POVs in a scene.

It's so funny but I think I should thank Tarantino for influencing me when it comes to writing dialogues. You shouldn't be afraid to put some mundane stuff when your characters are talking, and you can deliver tension with a few carefully chosen words in these mundane segments. And also building your characters through conversations, because that's how real people do when they don't know each other. I always circle back to Inglourious Basterds which is understandable, it's one of my fave movies all time but this movie is the epitome of building up tension in just dialogue alone, and the setting, the character's manerism is just spice to the whole scene.

But some of the writers here on this site are great sources of inspiration too. If I want to write a fic that makes your skin crawl, I read something from @/rush-the-stars or @/banjjakz since their writing styles will never fail to amaze me.

21. Who is/are your favorite character(s) to write?

I think Geto deserves to own a fave title for the sheer amount of shit that I wrote for him. There're countless wips that yall don't know of or won't plan on sharing.

But I like morally questionable, emotionally constipated guys who act like nothing fazes them but go soft for one person. And maybe... have crazy ways to protect them from literally anything. Or not. I have fics and wips of really shitty characters who only want to hurt the reader and they're generally delighted by their pain. But hey, don't judge me, this is a dark content blog.

Characters that can give you a bit of a psychic damage if they want to. The ones that are so complex it makes me want to pull them apart to see their layers and explore them.

To talk about my wips a lil bit, writing Alastor and Asmodeus were quite the fun! I enjoyed every single sentence that I came up with for their dialouges. For you, I really want to elaborate on what I like about writing Adam but sadly I couldn't spend enough time with his fic yet.

About readers... I like the ones who are blusterous, driven, observant, stubborn and even petty to the point to make stupid decisions because that was the only way they saw it right. Shy and inherently submissive readers (even tho that my readers are submissive in sexual situations) kinda make me feel cornered and limited.

When I was thinking about how to answer this ask, an original character, Lotte came up in my mind as my fave character to write. She's the main character of my novel and recently reread the doc (that shit deserves a massive rewrite) and I just love her so much and all the time I can spend in her head. All that pain, repressed anger, petty defiance yet the rest of her emotions are dull and muted from all the suffering she experienced. And even tho she is fucked up beyond repair, her heart is still filled with love, an almost chivalrous kind of need to protect anything that's dear to her. And the arc her character leads me through is just amazing. This is the character I love to write.

#asks

[canichangemyblogname]

Before coming to understand my own dysphoria, I believed I was aro/ace. (While simultaneously knowing I wasn't. I know, it's confusing. I was, in fact, confused.) And I-- of course-- ran into the phenomenon of people not taking that identity at face value. I was "commitment-phobic," or I hadn't "really" experimented or put myself out there; anything, really, to suggest that I didn't know myself well and know well enough that I did not want a romantic or sexual relationship.

Hell, I had one guy tell me I was "too pretty" not to "experience sexual desire" (asexuality is not-- never mind) or want romance, and if that's not incredibly creepy and misogynistic--

I also remember a woman and college peer telling me that I dressed too feminine to be asexual. And that was-- confusing. Asexual people don't have a "look."

Now that I finally understand my dysphoria and have opened myself up to exploring my gender, I have also begun to slowly get comfortable with my own sexuality, which I have long suppressed. I'm not yet completely comfortable with expressing my sexuality because I do not feel completely secure in my gender yet. This is all still quite new to me. Dysphoria also makes intimacy very difficult. I am also so afraid that my sexuality will not be respected because society does not see me for who I am.

But now I am experiencing the exact opposite of what I did when I believed I was cis. I express hesitancy, and people are quick to jump to, "Are you sure you're not aro/ace?" (I am sure. I am very much sure.) Whereas before, whenever I expressed hesitancy, people told me it was because I just hadn't met the right person yet. (Also, the hesitancy I'm expressing now isn't indicative of confusion about my sexuality. It's stuff like, "I don't really think I'm in the right headspace for a relationship," or "I'm not sure I'm far enough in my personal journey to feel at home in a relationship and comfortable with that kind of intimacy" or "I'm kinda depressed right now, and I'd really like to try and get out of this rut.")

When I believed I was cis and was trying to be a fem-presenting woman, it was a lot of, "Are you sure you're not just straight?" Now that I am finally willing to admit to myself that I am gay for men, I get a lot of, "Are you sure you're not aro/ace? Maybe sex repulsed?" It reveals people's discomfort with a gender-conforming woman not having a socially acceptable sexuality. It also reveals people's discomfort with trans people having a sexuality that includes sexual desire. It's homophobic. It's aphobic. It's transphobic. It was misogynistic.

#gender journey #I don't like men in a straight way #and I don't expect you to understand that #I just want you to let me be #and let me be me

[theogfulcrum22]

Espionage | HunterxOC Story Ch.3

Chapter 3: Ryloth

No warnings this chapter! Just Widow and Howzer being best friends

Pfp by @gt13tbbart

Character art by xleintje!

It has been about a week since the whole lesson in art of seduction and tensions have been running high, mainly between Widow and Hunter. They are obviously not sure of what to do, and how to move forward with the friendship, much less professional work relationship with how things went that day. Things have been going smoothly as normal thankfully for all of them but they have been called on a mission to assist the 501st and the 212th divisions on Anaxes.

Widow knew she was not quite ready to face the 501st just yet, so she opted out of the mission to infiltrate the base with her teammates. Instead, she was assigned to oversee the outpost on Ryloth. Before she departed on her solo mission, she wanted to see her men off. She gets up from her cot in the Barracks, and is off to the main hanger to see them off before she bought her own shuttle when she arrives she finds all of them in doing various task. Wrecker and loading explosives onto the ship, Crosshair is cleaning his rifle while sitting on a crate, Tech is currently putting a panel back on to the Havoc and Hunter is making his way towards Widow.

Once he makes his way to her, he can't help but notice that Her eyes had roamed almost anywhere but his own eyes. He knows that what happened between them as intense but he wants to see what he can do to rectify the situation and to make sure that there is no awkward tension between them. "Are you sure you don't want to come along with us on this mission Widow?" He says as he makes his way towards her stopping to lean on a nearby crate. She lightly smiles looking directly at him leaning on the same crate as him with her chin resting in the palm of her hand "oh yeah I'm sure. I have issues with some of those in the 501st" Hunter nods at her in understanding, he sighs as he examines her face. "Do you want to take about it?" He ask softly. Widow glances down, looking away from Hunter for a brief moment, and looking back up to him "Maybe when you guys get back? I don't want you to go in to this mission with them already on negative mindset because of my personal feelings." She pauses and smirks "Besides they're all Regs and I already know you guys normally don't work with them so I don't want to make tensions even higher than what they will be." She chuckles lightly. Hunter smirks at her "I can respect that." He pauses as he leans away from the crate, walks towards widow and stops in front of her  as he gazes down at her "Although I'm holding you to this story between you and the 501st when we get back" he quietly says. She leans off the crate and looks up at his grayish brown eyes "Well Sergeant make sure you and the team make it back first, then I'll tell you the whole story" she grins slightly and turns away from him. Leaving a flustered Hunter behind as he walks back to the Havoc for take off to Anaxes.

As widow is making her way down to the hanger to depart she lets her mind wonder. 'I know I need to do something about the relationship between Hunter and I I'm just not sure what direction I want to go with it.' She sighs as she makes it to the hangar. ' I really do appreciate him and the welcoming I've received since joining the crew, but am I willing to compromise not only his feelings, but mine, if we were to pursue something?' She pondered more to herself as she's going in full auto pilot mode to get her shuttle ready, ' i'm not even sure if he feels the same way about trying to explore more into a different kind of personal relations with me though'  She stops what she is doing as she finishes assembling the last piece for her starfighter to make the journey to Ryloth. 'I just need to focus at the main task at hand and figure out everything later with Hunter.' Widow silently hold that being away from the bad batch for a while, will help her clear her mind and get her back to the no attachments no matter what mentality.

Her flight to Ryloth was complicated free. She was incredibly happy when landed onto the platform just to breath in some fresh air for the first time in a long time. Widow couldn't help but remember when she came to this planet with the 212th and General Kenobi, she's smiled to her self as she remembered the sweet exchange between the 212th boys and a little one who is a local looking for her family. The little Twi'leki kept yelling out to both Waxer and Boil "Nerra! Nerra!" As they were all waking away, Widow was walking next to Obi Wan as he was asked what 'Nerra' meant, She couldn't help but smile at the memory of Kenobi saying "It means brother".

"There she is!" A voice pulls her out of her memory. As she glances around the platform looking for the owner of that voice, as she's sitting in her starfighter still with the cockpit window open. Her eyes finally land on the man who owns that voice with his slick back hair, the teal markings on his armor and the scuffed up pauldron on his right shoulder. Widow smiled instantly as she climbed out of her fighter with the assistance of the man, offering his hand for her to climb down and hold onto with assistance. "Howzer! You're looking well." Widow nods and squeezes his hand before letting go affirming to him she's glad to see him, without making a big show of hugging him in the presence of the other troops.

Howzer smiles as he helps Widow unload her belongings from her cruiser and assist her with taking them back to her own area in the barracks. "So what In the galaxy did you do to get stationed here Widow?" Howzer asked as they were walking to the barracks, widow grinned and cheekily said "Had a rather intense lesson with my other crew so I've been pawned off on you" she chuckled as she glanced over to Howzer seeing a rather amused expression on his face, "why do I feel like there is a lot of truth to that remark of yours." He smiled glancing back at her. "Well" she trailed off laughing as she said it, "we did go into the art of seduction" she pauses " let's just say things have been a little bit awkward ever since then." Her smile never leaving as Howzer laughs "must have been one hell of a lesson that I missed out on" he states to her, she nods in agreement "It certainly was something" she whispers to herself as Howzer and her arrive to her cot for the next few rotations.

Once they finish getting widows belongings placed Howzer leads widow back to the main hanger he starts to relay the information of the upcoming mission, She is supposed to take a part of. "It's a simple extraction to rescue on of our lost men really" he finishes, Widow looks over to him in disbelief with a half cocked eyebrow "you're kidding right?" She folds her arms "Essentially an extraction mission to find a lost trooper and they want to send me who is proficient in espionage to extract said trooper?" She scoffs "That's very underwhelming to someone with my expertise" she then walks over to lean against the crates " but then again, I don't feel like the republic is using my expertise to the full abilities, so I should not be this surprised at the circumstances." She then pauses and looks over at Howzer who is wearing an empathetic expression " i'm more than happy to help you guys out and rescue this trooper. I'm just frustrated Is all " she said with a thinned lip smile.

Howzer walks over to widow, nudges her shoulder as he nods his head to a more discrete area in the hangar bay. Widow smiles and nods when they break apart to not look suspicious towards the others on where they are going. She sighs when she gets there looking at Howzer who is already there, they meet each other in the middle as he hugs her tightly, widow returns the hug just as tightly as Howzer did. She lets out a long sigh as she rests her chin oh his shoulder "Thank you" she simply says to the man. "Of course, you looked like you needed one." He smirks as they start to pull away from each other, she chuckles as they both sit on the floor, leaning on a nearby wall.

" I thought Rex was suppose to keep an eye on you while you were deployed with the 501st." Howzer questions as he's shifting his head to look at her with a questioning look. "He did" Widow states "But there were some complications that came up in my time being there that I just couldn't stay." She continued "I keep thinking on how big of a coward I was to demand to be reassigned away from the 501st without saying a word to any of them." She tells her friend. "You know what's sad is I bet both General Skywalker and Rex had to sign my release request." She looks down at the ground, she pulls her knees up to where they are bending right in front of her as she explains the situation, as she's talking, the captain notices, her foster change, he moves closer to her so he can rest his hand on her knee, as an act of a support and comfort for his long time friend. "Clearly you're not ready to talk about what happened." He sighs as he squeezes her knee softly, " just know you can't hold in what happened for long, it will sneak up on you and it will break your guard when you least expect it." He pauses "I don't care if it's me or someone in your new battalion you need to talk to someone soon. While I would love for it to be me, you need to bond with your other team." He sighs "that means trusting them enough for them to understand where you're coming from and it shows a form of trust that you all will share afterwards" he states matter of factly. Widow looks at him and rolls her eyes "You just had to bring my new team into this didn't you" she says laughing, after a moment she calms down "but you are right, which isn't easy for me to say. Just so you know." She smiles as she stands up offering Howzer a hand as a courtesy, he looks up at her and wears a nice shit eating grin as he takes her hand.

A/N: I have my reasons for Widow not being a part of Anaxes arc! Trust the process my friends. I really debated having this be a super long chapter, and doing the mission and less but I wanted to establish the friendship between Howzer and Widow. Their bond is very much like Hawkeye and Black widow from the MCU for a disclosure! But our favorite sergeant doesn't know that yet 😉 Until next time!

#bad batch hunter #sw tbb #star wars smut #fanfic #hunter x reader #star wars #star wars the bad batch #tbb crosshair #tbb fanart #tbb tech #tbb howzer #captain howzer

[dausy]

My review of Disneys Wish which isn't at all organized or even well thought out. I'm just spamming text at the screen and hope it makes sense. Spoilers

I went into Wish with super high hopes because the internet was already tearing it to pieces based on the character models alone. I had high hopes that just meant people were missing an artistic style choice that the trailer didn't show. I also had hoped it would be a classic Disney Princess fairy tale. I really just wanted that, the classic disney princess. I have not been a fan of the animated films that are more artsy or explorative on different types of villains that aren't just a traditional badguy. We've had a lot of puberty/growing up as the villain or generational trauma as the villain. Theres nothing wrong with those, I sometimes just want a film thats prince/princess + badguy. Heroes journey.

The last Disney movie (and I'm lumping both Disney and Pixar together) that gave me real feels was Tangled. Do I think Tangled was absolutely perfect? well no, but I was willing to ignore the magical true-loves-tear because I just loved the goofy nature of Rapunzel and Eugene together. It was perfect because its a timeless movie. It will age well.

So Wish unfortunately was a huge disappointment. It didn't so much as follow a classic fairytale recipe as obviously it was a nod to classic Disney films. I appreciated that. I didn't realize how many easter eggs were hidden within it until the movie was done actually and I saw somebody elses review. To a point this actually made me more upset.

I went in focusing on the animation primarily because everybody said it looked like something off of Disney Junior. I actually liked how they pulled the 2d/stylization off of classic films like Sleeping Beauty. People said it made it look dull and the color choices were ugly. I don't think so. I love the Sleeping Beauty style. I thought it looked very nice. The problem is that the characters didn't blend in. It was like Disney was trying to make the characters also 2d but also 3d at the same time and they didn't match. I actually thought the characters looked like they were floating around on a greenscreen rather than physically present within the environment. I understand what they were trying to do, I just think it didn't quite work and it added to the illusion that it was a low-res Disney Junior tv show instead.

I also really liked Asha and Magnificos characters designs. I even liked how the Queen matched the King. At the beginning too I thought the Queen and King had a decent healthy sounding relationship which was nice.

What I didn't like was all the rest of the characters were useless including the goat. I understand peoples complaints about Ashas personality being a quirky girl or being a combination of all the disney princesses combined and I dont think she stayed that way for long. She was a bit goofy at the beginning of the film but then wasnt. The "seven friends"..I was going to go on a long rant but now I don't feel like it anymore. Now that the movies done I understand they were supposed to represent the 7 dwarves but they were supid. None of them had a personality. None of them had enough screen time to even obtain a personality. I never would have known they were the seven dwarves until I saw somebody elses review, with the exception of the one guy "thats why they call me grumpy". That one made me do a double take, like I guess he's got a similar color scheme. They should have just been nixed. All of them were useless. The scene where they used teamwork to pull on the ropes to release the dreams. You could have given more screen time to the goat and just had him do it by himself. The movie was too crowded. The song of friendship at the end...don't even get me started. It was so stupid.

That poor goat. They were trying to use him as another animal companion silly pal but even he didn't have that much screen time to even justify his silly voice. His one liners also didn't mesh with the tone of the film. He was pushed to the side but all these other useless characters.

My biggest beef was, I didn't think the king was that bad enough of a villain to be a villain and I think he actually had a point to an extent. The monkeys paw affect. The king literally has a utopia going where everybody lives a nice life, he just offers every once in a while to grant your wish. If its too vague or dangerous he wont do it. The catch is you forget what your wish was and you carry on with your life. Asha is mad nobody gets their wishes back. In particular she's mad her 100 year old grandfather whos wish was "to inspire the young people", his wish was too vague so it couldnt be granted. So she decides to break in and release everybodies wishes and give them back. My qualm is I guess is that theres a song about "be your own star" you don't need anybody else. And technically grandpas wish came true anyway. He did technically inspire the youth, infact they formed a rebellion and overthrew the country. So if you can still accomplish your dreams, why are you overthrowing the country? It infact was actually a dangerous vague wish because the country was overthrown and yall are all happy about this. I mean I do get it but it just didn't feel like it was enough to form a movie about it. It wasn't enough to tip the villain over the edge to be the villain.

My one question is, how old is King Magnifico? if him and his wife created the country and they do a wish ceremony when kids turn 18..are they immortal? has grandpa been waiting for his wish since he was 18? or is the country like 10 years old? What I would have done (even though I'm not a story writer at all), what if Magnifico had been eating the wishes to keep himself young forever (I guess kinda like mother gothel) cause then I'd be a little mad if he wasn't giving wishes back. I think that'd be a little more understandable.

and then quickly, I cant remember any of the songs. The songs I do vaguely remember did have a very similar Encanto/hamilton vibe to them. Particularly the intro Welcome to Rosas song...I understand it was a different writer for this film but Im just not a fan of that style of music. Just the fact that I can't remember any of the tunes anyway...its just kinda..meh...

anyway, I could rant more but this is already too long and it may be full of mispellings but Im not going back to read what I just wrote. Ha.

#disney #disneyswish #wish #animatedmovie #filmreview

[dangaer]

i say it a lot but genuinely i just want to say thank you so so much to everyone who has literally supported me on both my blogs ever since i’ve come back to the rpc like ... you’ve all been so incredibly sweet and supportive no matter what decisions i’ve made or what’s been happening in your lives i honestly don’t even know how to explain how much i appreciate that ...

#❛ 𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 ⧽ — ooc. #i dont rb too many self positivity memes bc every time someone gives me positivity i cry for like an hour and then its all i think about all #day FYDVUGDUVVGYU but like! #i used an az.usa icon bc im just ... so glad to that people love my blog #and the fact i can give my portrayals smth good and special that people /do/ enjoy writing and reading and seeing them on their dash #especially dia.lovers bc lbr its one of the most problematic(tm) ones going :pensive: #u guys have supported me through bouts of just ooc posting and bouts of draft posting. running blogs like a headless chicken and literally i #come and say oh is this ok??? or when im worried people always look out for me andi just #(screams. cries. screams again.) #i do not deserve any of you but im just so thankful i dont show it enough so i say it every single day #you guys are so willing to explore and understand so much for me my journey has been so nice here i just dont know how to describe it #mutuals ( affectionate ) #so many of you follow both my blogs and rlly end up with seeing my stuff twice over and thrice before back in the day #i am just a simple oto.me writer .... you're all on the way to my best route--- YUDFVYUDFVF

[mercy-burning]

A Strange Request

Part of Mercy’s 1k Celebration: A collection of Spencer Reid x Reader requests to celebrate 1,000 followers.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Summary: Reader gets a rather strange request from Derek’s girlfriend Category: FLUFF, with discussion of sex, so still 18+ probably, just to be safe Warnings: discussions/topics of sex, one paragraph of blink and you’ll miss it female-receiving oral sex Word Count: 2k

Full Request: “...a fluff about reader is friend with Derek’s girlfriend, and she ask her if spencer (s/2 - s/3) can teach him where the clitoris is because reader had already told her that spencer is very good in bed... Baby Spencer Teaching Derek How To Make A Woman Cum is so funny to me” —anonymous

MASTERLIST | 1K MASTERLIST

NOTE: Just came here to say, first of all, thank you all so much for reading and enjoying my content, it means the world to me. I love you guys 🥰 Also, this request??? I was dying thinking about it, and I laughed pretty much the whole time I wrote it, so I hope you like it as much as I do!

I will be posting the rest of the requests I get throughout the month of March, so you have until February 28th to send one in if you’d like to! More information on that can be found HERE

It wasn't really normal for Y/N and Kelley to talk about their sex lives. They'd brought it up in conversation a few times, but it was never a regular thing.

So when Kelley came over to Y/N's apartment Friday night after a cryptic text stating that she needed to talk to her about something 'weird but important,' she had no idea that her weekend was about to get very... informative.

"Is everything alright?" she asked Kelley, handing her a glass of wine. The two of them sat on the couch and Kelley shrugged.

"I mean... Yes, everything's fine, but...I have a sort of, uh... weird request."

"Yeah, you mentioned that," Y/N chuckled, bringing the glass of wine to her lips. "What's up?"

"Well, basically... I can't orgasm."

Y/N almost spit the wine out of her mouth. Thankfully she was able to get it down, though not without choking slightly. "Huh?"

"Well, okay, I can orgasm it's just that... I can't when I'm with Derek. And at first I thought maybe it was me, but I tried on my own and I can do it just fine. It's just that when Derek and I are together, he can't... make me cum. "

"Well, I... Okay. I'm not... What do you want me to d—oh!"

"Oh! Y/N, no, I didn't mean that I wanted you to... No, um... Sorry, that's not what I meant. Look, I know you've said before that Spencer is really good in bed, and I was wondering if you could maybe ask him to talk to Derek about it, like... give him some pointers or something."

Y/N really didn't know what to say. But she tried really hard to say something that wasn't an incoherent mumble of surprise. "Wow, uh... I mean, I... Yeah, I can ask him, but why don't you just talk to Derek about it? He's a good guy, I'm sure he'd be more than willing to hear you out if you just communicate with him..."

Kelley sighed, setting her wine down. "I know, but... Well, it's just that every time I try to talk to him about it, I chicken out, and I know you said Spencer knows what he's doing, so I figured I'd ask you..."

She could tell that Kelley was embarrassed, so Y/N reached out to hold her hand. "Hey, Kel, it's okay. You know I'm happy to help. And I'll talk to Spencer about it, but I really think you should try talking to Derek yourself, too, okay?"

She nodded, a small smile adorning her face. "Okay."

***

Repeating this conversation with Spencer was going to be... well, weird, as Kelley had put it. It really was a strange request, but Y/N was more than willing to help out a friend in need, especially if it meant said friend was going to get laid like she deserved.

She just had to figure out how to bring it up. The best way was probably to just sit down and talk about it, but she didn't want to spring it on him at random.

So, she used decided that maybe some... inspiration would be good.

She studied her boyfriend as he went down on her that night, paying attention to how his fingers felt as the pushed and curled themselves into her, how his tongue explored her like a paintbrush exploring a canvas with beautiful precision.

And when it was all over, she laid beside him and stroked his hair, smiling. "You're so good at that," she mused. The praise put a smile on his face, as it always did. But he became suspicious when she took it too far, adding, "Seriously, you should teach men how to properly please a woman."

"Y/N?" Spencer asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"What?"

"You're trying to get at something, what is it?"

"Well, uh... this is probably going to sound really weird, but you have to hear me out, okay?"

"O—kay?"

Y/N sighed, a small shake of her head following. "Well, I talked to Kelley yesterday, because she had something she wanted to talk to me about, and, uh... she said that... Oh, wow, this is so fucking weird—ShewantedtoknowifyoucouldteachDerekhowtomakehercumbecausehe'sreallybadatit."

She blinked, and Spencer blinked back at her, the two of them laying together in silence for a good ten to fifteen seconds.

And then he started to laugh.

"W—What? Is that too weird? Because I told Kelley she should just try talking to him, but she really wanted me to ask you because I'd mentioned how good you are, and she just figured since you two worked together and that we're all friends that you wouldn't have a problem telling him about everything, an—"

Spencer reached out to brush the back of his hand across her cheek. "Hey, slow down, okay? Look. The idea that I have to teach Derek Morgan of all people how to make a woman cum is just... It's funny to me, and surely you understand why... And besides, how would I even bring that up? It's not like I can just walk up to him and be like Hey, Morgan, your girlfriend thinks you suck in bed and she wants me to show you how to do it right."

Y/N blinked up at him again, and he blinked back, the both of them starting to realize how that sounded.

"Yeah, maybe don't lead with that," she said, patting his arm. "Look, you guys talk about your sex lives sometimes, right? I mean, you're both guys in relationships, I'm sure it's come up at some point."

"No, Y/N, not really," he said, clearly exasperated and most decidedly not thrilled about the idea of talking sex with his co-workers.

Still, she sighed. "Spence, please? I told Kelley I'd talk to you about it, and she's really desperate here. Besides, it would be rude to let Derek Morgan of all people go around thinking he's great at sex when he's really not, don't you think?"

Spencer really seemed to think about that for a moment, before huffing a laugh. "Actually that sounds pretty funny to me."

Y/N slapped his arm.  "I'm serious! At least do it for Kelley's sake... The poor girl deserves to feel good, right?"

"If I do it, can we end this conversation?" he gave in, clearly not in the mood to talk about their friends' sex life.

"Wait really? You'll do it?"

Spencer sighed. "Yes, I'll do it. It's most likely going to be more awkward than this conversation, but I'll do it."

With a laugh and a quick kiss to the lips, Y/N pulled him closer and said, "I love you, you know."

***

He hoped he wouldn't have to do much talking at all. Which is why he brought a bag of books on female anatomy and pleasure. He tried for the entire train ride to work to figure out the best way to even bring it all up, but when he actually stepped into the bullpen, he almost froze up with nerves.

He spotted Derek from across the room and in a split second decided that it would be best to just rip the band-aid off.

So, he briskly made his way over to his friend and set the bag of books in front of him on the desk. "I want to preface this by saying it wasn't my idea. Kelley and Y/N were talking about some stuff, and they asked me to talk to you, so I'm just going to give it to you straight. These are for you."

"Whoa, kid, slow down. What did they want you to tell me?"

Spencer looked around nervously before taking a deep breath. "Well, um... Y/N and I were talking last night, and she said that Kelley had this weird request for her, and, um... I guess she wanted Y/N to ask me to talk to you about... um... how to have better sex?"

He said the last part very quietly and immediately looked down at his feet. When he looked back at Morgan, he almost looked like he'd been petrified, actually frozen in time with the blankest expression ever seen.

"What?" he asked just as blankly.

"Please don't make me say it again," Spencer signed.

"Reid, I don't know what you mean."

"Look, I know this is really weird, trust me, I know, but I, uh... I wrote out some detailed notes for you, and there are also some books in that bag, so it should help."

Derek looked down at the bag and then back to Spencer, still puzzled. "I... You're not serious... This is some kinda prank, isn't it?"

"I swear it's not, just... Look, after sex, has Kelley ever stayed in the bathroom for like ten minutes or longer?"

"Excuse me?"

"Just answer my question!" Spencer whispered harshly, still looking around to make sure no one would hear.

"Reid, I'm not— Oh... Oh... No..." The journey that Derek's face took almost Spencer feel kind of bad for him, though he'd be lying if a large part of him didn't find this whole thing absolutely hilarious.

"But like I said, I have things to help you," Spencer rushed out. "It's not... Look, maybe it would be better if you just talked to Kelley about it... In the end it's all really about you two, and if you don't have communication coinciding with your sex life then chances are it's not... very good."

"Kelley wanted you to talk to me... That's what she said?"

"Well, yeah, I guess so. Y/N told me that she said she couldn't... you know, finish when she was with you and she wanted me to talk to you about it."

"Why?" It was obvious that Derek was having a hard time believing all of this, even after having the epiphany.

"I don't know, I guess Y/N told Kelley at one point that I was good at it? Look, it's not a big deal, just... read the stuff I gave you, and it should help, and then we never have to talk about this ever again, okay?"

Still grappling with everything he'd just learned, Morgan muttered out an, "O—kay?"

"Good talk," Spencer said quickly, turning around and getting out of there as fast as he could.

***

Later that week, Y/N and Spencer were watching a movie on the couch, and things had been... fairly normal considering all that had happened the previous weekend.

A knock sounded at the door, and with neither of them expecting any company, they paused the movie and answered the door together, swinging it open to find Kelley standing in front of them with a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of wine.

Before either of them could say anything, Kelley handed the flowers to Spencer and the wine to Y/N, a smile on her face. "Sorry for stopping by on short notice, but I just, uh... I wanted to thank you guys for helping me out... You know..."

"Oh!" the couple said at the same time, a bit of heat creeping up on both their cheeks.

"Yeah, it wasn't a problem," Y/N said.

"Really," Spencer reassured.

"Yeah, I know it was, uh... a strange request but it really did wonders, and we talked over everything, so, it's, uh... It's all good now. So, thanks again. I just wanted to bring over some gifts to say thank you."

Even though the whole situation had been rather out of their comfort zones, Y/N told Kelley with earnest, "Happy to help."

She left, and Spencer and Y/N set their gifts on the coffee table.

"What did you tell Derek, exactly?" she asked curiously. "You never did tell me what happened."

"Oh, um... I just gave him some books, and I wrote out some notes for him."

With a smirk and a loving gaze, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him close. "They must have been some pretty damn good notes if it warranted presents..."

"What can I say, I'm a good note taker," he said, returning her smile.

"Well, I think I'll have to be the judge of that. Show me what you got, smarty pants..."

Let's just say that by the end of the night, Y/N knew Kelley was in good hands.

#mercy 1k celebration #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfiction

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

Hi, first off I ship Zutara and I come in peace. I was pointed your way by a friend when I asked for people who ship kataang who are nevertheless willing to hear different views. I have lurked on blog a week and finally got up my nerve to ask how you or any other Kataang can deny that the last part of book 3 was completely Zutara but then stopped abruptly with no buildup? You can finesse tone on text so I'm not being sarcastic or bitchy, it is a serious question (1/5)

In The Southern Raiders, Katara realizes she has been wrong about Zuko. In Ember Island Players, she realizes Aang is not as mature as she thought he was, and in the finale, Katara does not care a whit that Aang is gone. I am serious and as someone who is no Aang stan but likes him, I’m actually annoyed by how little anyone cared about his disappearance. It went from “Aang’s gone!” to “Okay whatever, let’s find Iroh so he can kill Ozai.” (2/5)

Katara was all over Zuko (honestly, again not being a jerk) in the finale until for whatever reason, she wasn’t. She was giving him a pep talk about Iroh, she was going with him to Azula, she was healing him and saying he saved her not the other way around. I genuinely don’t get why this isn’t seen as romantic. I will grant you that Zuko would not have allowed Azula to kill anyone but I feel the point here was Zuko realizing his life was pointless if Katara was killed. (4/5)

And then literally at the end, Mai shows up after Zuko not talking about her at all for six episodes and declares herself Zuko’s girlfriend. And Katara kisses Aang after being annoyed with and by him arguably since The Southern Raiders. I get that Kataang “won” and I’ve made peace with that, but ... I can’t understand why Kataang shippers are okay with such a crap story. I swear on my gmom [sic] if they’d done this for [Zvtara], I’d be mad as hell. So I don’t understand, I really don’t. (5/5)

As always, I shall begin with a disclaimer: anon, you do not have to agree with this post. No one has to agree with this post, as it is strictly my own thoughts on the subject matter raised here! As per usual, I will not be putting this in the main tags - much less the Zvtara tag! - because I have basic fandom decency, lmao. If you (the general you, not anon specifically) do disagree with this post, that is totally fine, I simply ask that you are polite in expressing your disagreement (if you choose to do so at all! no one is expected to, lmao. i promise).

Alright. Formalities are out of the way!

I’ll admit I giggled a little bit when you say you lurked on my blog for a week, because I’ve actually talked about this subject numerous times in the past! I just found it funny you hadn’t stumbled across any posts about it yet, lol. So, as a heads up, know that I will be providing several links in this post since - again - this subject and related subjects have been analyzed a multitude of times before. I highly recommend reading them all! Mostly because I don’t intend to spend forever restating what’s been said over and over and over lmaooo. I will provide the resources, but it is up to each individual to take advantage of them.

To begin: your ask actually contains a few logical fallacies, anon! I do not mean this as shade or to belittle you - I fall victim to this issue all the time myself. Anyone who writes analyses or participates in debates does! Humans are imperfect and often like to cut corners to reach a conclusion. It is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about because - as the existence of your ask in inbox indicates - you are willing to learn more. So kudos to you, my friend!

Alright. So what logical fallacies am I talking about here? (For the record: specific definitions of logical fallacies were taken from here.)

1. Hasty Generalization.

“A hasty generalization is a general statement without sufficient evidence to support it.” Numerous claims are made in this ask that I have absolutely no doubt you believe to be true, anon, but there really isn’t any concrete evidence to support it! I will go into more detail later, of course, but let’s quickly look at one example:

“In Ember Island Players, [Katara] realizes Aang is not as mature as she thought he was…”

For the time being, I will ask but one question: from the show itself, not fanon, how do you know this?

2. Causal Fallacy

Ah, this guy. My own worst enemy, tbh! “A causal fallacy is any logical breakdown when identifying a cause,” of which there are several types. “One causal fallacy is the false cause or non causa pro causa (‘not the-cause for a cause’) fallacy, which is when you conclude about a cause without enough evidence to do so.” In your ask, you claim:

“I will grant you that Zuko would not have allowed Azula to kill anyone but I feel the point here was Zuko realizing his life was pointless if Katara was killed.”

Again, for the time being, I will ask only one question: from the show itself, not fanon, what led you to believe this statement?

“Another kind of causal fallacy is the correlational fallacy also known as cum hoc ergo propter hoc (Lat., ‘with this therefore because of this’). This fallacy happens when you mistakenly interpret two things found together as being causally related.” In your ask, you claim:

“Katara was all over Zuko (honestly, again not being a jerk) in the finale until for whatever reason, she wasn’t. She was giving him a pep talk about Iroh, she was going with him to Azula, she was healing him and saying he saved her not the other way around. I genuinely don’t get why this isn’t seen as romantic.”

I will ask one question: from the show itself, not fanon, why would you believe these are indicative of romance? (Consider the context the show is situated in, too - e.g. the war, Katara being Azula’s only available match in skill, etc.)

The reason I bring up the issue of logical fallacies is again not at all to make you feel bad, anon!! You were simply trying to express your point to me and I greatly appreciate you taking the time to do so. See, your ask actually presents a larger fandom trend:

Misconstruing fanon as canon.

What you have offered to me, anon, are fanon conclusions. To clarify: there is absolutely nothing wrong with fanon. I adore fanon interpretations (an example I have used in the past is Kuzaang - like, I don’t care that there’s no canon basis! I do what I want lmao!), but a line has to be drawn between exploring fanon interpretations and expecting everyone to take that fanon as canon. Again, anon, this is not your fault! It is not any one person’s fault, lmao. It is an issue of fandom as a whole, and all of us fall victim to it.

With that in mind, I will break down the different components of your ask. I will also do my best to be brief - as aforementioned, I and others have analyzed this issue numerous times before, lmao. To avoid confusion, it would be best to read through each or at least most links as they are provided!

Firstly, there are two posts I have made in the past that almost directly answer your overarching question here in this ask. Please read them prior to continuing, as I will occasionally reference them:

This post explains how Zvtara was not built up from TSR/EIP-onwards, and how their supposed “canon enemies to lovers arc” is a completely fanon construction.

This post explains the issue of the “canon Zvtara” rhetoric from rabid zkers (and you, anon, are absolutely NOT one, in case you were worried).

Alrighty. With that out the way, let’s get into it!

“In The Southern Raiders, Katara realizes she has been wrong about Zuko.”

Gotta start by saying that TSR is not about Zuko. TSR is, first and foremost, about Katara. Katara does not realize she was wrong about Zuko, because here’s the truth - she wasn’t wrong about him. Zuko did horrible things to the Gaang. Katara was not wrong to hold him accountable for that. What Katara does realize is that holding such rage so close to her chest is bad for her. This rage was not solely anger against Zuko, either; it was of course about Yon Rha, too, but it was also anger towards Kya and Katara herself. Essentially, TSR is where Katara realizes she has to forgive herself. Zuko is only one part of her journey (similar to Aang’s role in the episode, if a different end of the spectrum).

This post explains how TSR was fundamentally about Katara.

Additional resources about TSR:

This post explains Aang’s comments to Katara in TSR and how Katara herself recognized their validity.

This post explains why both Aang and Zuko were important to Katara in TSR.

This post is an extensive breakdown of Aang and Katara’s relationship within TSR.

“In Ember Island Players, [Katara] realizes Aang is not as mature as she thought he was…”

You provide no context for this claim, so I’m going to work with the assumption this is about their reactions to the play itself and the infamous kiss!

There is something important we must keep in mind when discussing EIP: the play they watch is literally imperialist propaganda. It is meant to demean the entire Gaang, and indeed it does exactly that. You mention Katara and Aang specifically, so I will recap what I have explained before about their depictions in EIP: Katara, an indigenous woman, is hypersexualized and portrayed as overly emotional (and thus “irrational”). This reinforces the Fire Nation sentiment that women of the Water Tribes are less intelligent and less suited for “responsibility” than Fire Nation women. Aang, a pacifist and the sole survivor of genocide who is also canonly the male character most comfortable with femininity and spirituality, is portrayed as a flighty, airheaded woman (this is a well-known imperialist tactic meant to emasculate the target, seeing as masculinity was often equated with power in fascist regimes; thus, they effectively belittled Aang before the FN audience). This reinforces the Fire Nation sentiment that the Air Nomads were foolish, weak people who deserved to die.

In other words, of course Aang and Katara were upset about how they portrayed in the play. It is understandable that tensions would be running high and consequently that mistakes (we all know the one) would be made.

This post explains how EIP belittles each member of the Gaang (and why the play is not indicative of Zvtara).

This post talks specifically about EIP and their portrayal of Aang and Katara.

Now onto the kiss. As everyone knows and no one has ever disagreed with, Aang was wrong to kiss Katara. Point blank!

But what people do misunderstand is Katara and Aang’s feelings regarding the kiss. Given your above quote, I assume you believe Aang kissing Katara supposedly made her realize that Aang wasn’t as mature as she once thought. On the surface, this seems like a logical conclusion! But digging deeper reveals… well, there’s nothing that indicates this conclusion at all. Even jumping ahead to the finale, when Zuko has doubts over Aang’s return, Katara demonstrates her faith in Aang (although of course she’s nervous - I won’t deny the obvious, lmao) as she says, “Aang won’t lose. He’s gonna come back. He has to.”

In other words, nothing in canon suggests that Katara believes Aang is immature because of what happened in EIP. She still trusts in his return, as she did even before she knew him (and arguably is more confident in him now, given the 60~ episodes of them growing closer). Furthermore, when Aang does disappear, Katara doesn’t have an outburst about how “immature” it was for him to “run away again.” The viewers know Aang didn’t run away, of course (fans who insist he did are not worth arguing with, anon - they don’t understand the show, rip), but that is a luxury the rest of the Gaang is not afforded. And yet even though Aang has vanished off the face of the planet, Katara still believes he will save the world. If anything, that signifies the utmost confidence in his skill and maturity!

To go back to the kiss itself, this post explains the true source of Katara’s conflict in turning down Aang (hint: she says it herself in the episode! you know, the whole war going on) and why the EIP kiss did not sink Kataang’s relationship.

Additional sources about EIP:

This post explains how the EIP kiss was resolved through narrative parallels.

This post explains how the EIP kiss is so often blown out of proportion.

“… and in the finale, Katara does not care a whit that Aang is gone. I am serious and as someone who is no Aang stan but likes him, I’m actually annoyed by how little anyone cared about his disappearance. It went from ‘Aang’s gone!’ to ‘Okay whatever, let’s find Iroh so he can kill Ozai.’”

As I already touched upon, Katara didn’t need a soliloquy to emphasize her connection to Aang once he disappeared. She trusts that he will return. She says so herself. I guess I just don’t understand how you got from Point A, Katara has consistent faith in Aang, to Point B, Katara and the rest of the Gaang didn’t care about Aang’s disappearance. It’s honestly a bit more like Point A to Point Z, lmao! If you would like to expand on your logic here, I would love to hear more!!

There are a few specific aspects I want to note about your rationale, though. You argue the Gaang moves from ‘Aang disappeared’ to ‘let’s find Iroh,’ but the Gaang actually went from:

1. Aang disappeared!

2. They search the entire island for him.

3. Okay, they couldn’t find him, so they track down June and have her try to find Aang.

4. June says to them, “No, I mean he’s gone gone. He doesn’t exist.” (And she clarifies to Sokka that she doesn’t mean dead, either - she means Aang has totally blinked out of their world.)

5. Only after all of this do they decide to track down Iroh.

The Gaang cares immensely about the fact that Aang is gone, and you could actually argue they waste time by trying to track him down. They don’t give up until June essentially tells them that some Spirit World shenanigans were involved. Even if you don’t think they reached that specific conclusion, I have to ask: What else were they supposed to do? They were told Aang didn’t exist! How are they supposed to fix that?

Well, they can’t. So they do the next best thing: they find Iroh, the man who knows Ozai better than anyone and is also one of the most talented firebenders in the world. In my opinion, that’s a very logical step to take.

“Katara was all over Zuko (honestly, again not being a jerk) in the finale until for whatever reason, she wasn’t. She was giving him a pep talk about Iroh, she was going with him to Azula, she was healing him and saying he saved her not the other way around. I genuinely don’t get why this isn’t seen as romantic.”

I’ll be blunt here, lol: in my opinion, nothing of what you listed in your ask is inherently romantic.

Okay. I am going to assume you’ve read the first two posts I linked earlier (“Zvtara did not have an E-L arc” and “the ‘canon’ Zvtara of rabid zkers has issues”), because I do not intend to rehash everything they contain, lol. Consequently, I presume you realize by now that there was no canon romantic interest between Zuko and Katara.

And as I always say, just because there wasn’t a canon romance doesn’t mean people can’t take fanon routes! Of course they can! That’s the entire point of fanon! But fanon is not canon, and I am strictly referring to canon in my discussions.

You claim Katara was all over Zuko, which in itself I don’t think is an accurate assessment, because she doesn’t really do anything with Zuko outside the three points you bring up (other than the June gag, which I addressed in one of the aforementioned linked posts). So I’ll go ahead and break down each instance you provide!

1. “[Katara] was giving [Zuko] a pep talk about Iroh”

Katara asked Zuko if he was okay. She asked him if he was genuinely sorry. She reassures him that Iroh will forgive him. That’s… all. Not to diminish the significance of this conversation, but it’s not exactly an intimate, romantically-charged discussion (unless fanon-ized). But on that note, let’s tackle the canon significance of this moment!

Katara knows firsthand the challenge of forgiving Zuko. And she knows that Zuko understands how hard it was for her to forgive him (note: Katara’s anger was totally justified, and anyone who disagrees is probably a rabid Zuko stan lmao). She also recognizes that Zuko is terrified it will take Iroh the same struggle to forgive him that Katara went through. This scene is not related to romance at all. It’s about compassion. It’s about Katara and Zuko’s friendship having progressed, slowly but surely, to the point where she’s not afraid to extend empathy to him anymore (seeing as the first time, beneath Ba Sing Se, did not go so well; you know - Aang died and all). It’s about Zuko recognizing his own fallibility (and the audience recognizing how much he’s grown). He questions how he can even face his uncle after all he’s done to the man, which is a far cry from his entitled attitude in TSR, where he demanded to know why Katara didn’t trust him when everyone else had forgiven him.

To make this moment, this moment about Zuko’s relationship with his uncle who is all but a literal father to him, this moment of vulnerability, of guilt, of remorse, of growth, to claim this powerful moment is about a nonexistent romantic relationship? In my opinion, that is incredibly reductive to what this scene is supposed to signify. And again, there is nothing wrong with people exploring such a possibility in fanon, but in canon? Nah. It doesn’t track.

2. “[Katara] was going with [Zuko] to Azula”

Don’t forget that at first, Zuko planned to take on Azula alone. He doesn’t request Katara to accompany him until Iroh tells him that he’ll need help. As such, Zuko’s immediate agreement with Iroh is reflective of his personal growth (Book 1 and 2 Zuko would have argued and insisted he didn’t need any help). It also demonstrates, however, that Katara was not obsessively on Zuko’s mind. He doesn’t choose Katara until Iroh points out that Zuko will need assistance in taking Azula down. This means that Zuko’s choice of Katara to join him is a tactical decision, not an emotional one. And by all accounts, it’s a damn good decision! Zuko witnessed firsthand beneath Ba Sing Se a) how powerful Katara was (e.g. that wave after Aang died) and b) how Katara was the only one who could take on Azula*.

Of course, besides the fact that Katara was the only match for Azula, who else was Zuko going to choose? Sokka and Suki, while talented in their own right, were no competition for Azula. Toph, while the greatest earthbender in the world, was needed to metalbend the airships. Katara was the only (and the best!) option.

Also, on their trip to face Azula, the only thing they talk about within their three lines of canon conversation are Azula and Aang. Not exactly a romantic flight, lmao.

*Zuko never saw Aang fight Azula on the drill.

3. “[Katara] was healing [Zuko] and saying he saved her not the other way around”

Actually, this is what the transcript says:

Zuko: Thank you, Katara.

Katara: I think I’m the one who should be thanking you.

You’re right about how their lines refer to them saving each other, but you posit it as a romantic moment, when the lines are actually pretty straightforward. Zuko thanks Katara as she heals him from the partially-redirected lightning strike, and Katara thanks him for trying to redirect the lightning away from her and in doing so saving her life. In terms of canon, there’s nothing romantic about this, lol! (Which I talked about extensively in the E-L post, if you need to reference it again.) The reason being is that you have to take the show itself into context when you do analysis. If there was no canon romantic buildup between Zuko and Katara, why would these lines in canon (not fanon! fanon is free rein, lmao) be interpreted through a romantic lens?

Well, they wouldn’t be interpreted as such. Plain and simple.

“I genuinely don’t get why this isn’t seen as romantic.”

Because looking through a canon lens, they aren’t romantic. That’s all. You are of course welcome to view them as such through a fanon lens!! It’s just about recognizing the line between canon and fanon.

“I will grant you that Zuko would not have allowed Azula to kill anyone but I feel the point here was Zuko realizing his life was pointless if Katara was killed.”

I asked earlier what content in the show itself led you to believe. I have wracked my own mind, and I cannot think of anything that would point to this conclusion. Zuko was in Katara’s good graces for 5 episodes. That’s 8% of the show. Not exactly a lot of time for Zuko to start believing his life would be pointless if Katara was killed, is it?

This post explains the improbability of Zuko having a crush on Katara within canon.

This post explains how Zuko’s racism towards the Air Nomads in TSR and the finale is, well, exactly that - racism (and not a sign of a crush on Katara).

And, of course, as has been said a million times, Zuko taking the lightning for Katara out of romantic interest would completely undermine his redemption arc. Since it has been said over and over and over, I will be brief: Zuko taking the lightning is significant because it is a selfless act (one of his only in the series), and it directly parallels his selfish act of choosing not to intervene when Azula killed Aang with lightning beneath Ba Sing Se. This moment demonstrates Zuko’s growth, how he has learned to accept unconditional love from Iroh and the Gaang and Mai and even Ty Lee and sure, even from Appa and Momo, too. To make this moment of pure selflessness about a nonexistent romance? To force a fanon romance in replacement of canon redemption and canon platonic significance?

Such a decision speaks wonders about a person’s priorities, in my opinion, as well as how amatonormativity impacts them.

Furthermore, Zuko’s choice cements Katara’s position as his surrogate sibling, as she is Azula’s primary foil. Zuko chooses the sister who heals over the sister who harms. I won’t go too much into it here, because it has already been talked about extensively before! Thus, I offer you this post that explains how Zuko and Katara - in canon - are positioned as surrogate siblings as well as Azula’s role in this matter. I also offer this post that lays out through screencaps how Zuko and Katara - in canon - treat each other like family.

Additional sources about the final Agni Kai:

This post in part discusses fanon misinterpretation of the final Agni Kai and why such a lens is not true to canon relationships.

This post explains why the final Agni Kai is not intended to be romantic.

This post explains how the final Agni Kai is primarily about Azula and how reducing it to be a big Zvtara moment is detrimental to both her and to Zuko and Katara themselves.

“And then literally at the end, Mai shows up after Zuko not talking about her at all for six episodes and declares herself Zuko’s girlfriend.”

This point could probably get a post of its own, lol, but fortunately I and others have already written a few! I will link them below - first, however, I question your choice of “declares.” Technically, yes, Mai does say outright that it doesn’t hurt how the new Fire Lord is her boyfriend, but your phrasing implies Zuko resisted her proclamation. When… he doesn’t. In fact, he embraces it, asking if that means she doesn’t hate him anymore (read: he asks if they’re back on good terms again). Zuko clearly doesn’t have a problem with the girl he loves wanting to be with him again - so why do some parts of fandom so adamantly insist he does? (Not you, anon - I am referring to the rabid fanoners, lol.)

Also, regarding how Zuko hasn’t talked about Mai for six episodes, we’ve gotta be realistic with this assessment in terms of canon:

1. It was the crux of the war. They were either going to live or die. There was no time for romance at this point! Sokka and Suki weren’t professing their love on the battlefield, lmao, so it’s not exactly strange that Zuko didn’t bust into a monologue about how he missed Mai. I think they were just a little bit distracted by the possible end of the world, lol, and all that jazz.

2. Zuko probably thought Mai was dead. He knows what Azula is like. He knows his sister doesn’t have time for people who get in her way (Aang can testify to this, lmao). So can you blame him for not wanting to think about how the girl he loved had died (to his knowledge) to save him?

You gotta cut the kid some slack, lol. Anyways! Additional sources about Maiko:

This post breaks down the notion of Maiko and “deserve.”

This post rationalizes through a canon lens why Mai’s arrival at the palace surprised Zuko.

This post is the mother of Maiko metas, explaining in tremendous detail why their relationships works, is relevant to canon, and was well-implemented for what its role was.

“And Katara kisses Aang after being annoyed with and by him arguably since The Southern Raiders.”

What in canon has led you to the conclusion that Katara was annoyed with Aang? What specific moments from TSR to the finale made you think Katara was annoyed with Aang and remained annoyed with Aang? Are there any, or are you thinking about fanon interpretation? (Canon vs fanon strikes again!)

In TSR, Katara explicitly thanks Aang for understanding her perspective. Nothing there is indicative of annoyance (and as in the links provided earlier, she was not angry at Aang/Zuko/etc. so much as she was at herself. well, she was a little bit angry with Zuko, lmao). In EIP, Katara is understandably angry at Aang’s decision to kiss her, but Aang completely backs off, and we see in the part 1 of the finale that there are no hard feelings or weird tension between them. Katara in fact actively expresses concern for Aang after Zuko sporadically attacked him when she demands of the firebender, “What’s wrong with you? You could have hurt Aang!” Even when Aang and Katara do butt heads later in the episode as Aang tries to think of a way to defeat Ozai without killing him, Katara doesn’t stay frustrated. Like I said - when she and Zuko are flying to Azula, she demonstrates her unwavering faith in Aang through her belief that he will return. So… where is the annoyance that you feel was present?

With all this mind, i.e. looking strictly at canon, Katara wasn’t annoyed with Aang during this time. Thus, Katara kisses Aang because she loved him. Because he backed off and gave her the space she needed to make a decision about if she wanted to be with him (hence Katara being the one to initiate the kiss). Because the issue was never about if she reciprocated his feelings (they both knew they loved each other) but rather it had to do with the war. At the end of the finale, the war is over, and there is nothing that prevents them from being together. Simple.

This post explains how Katara’s feelings for Aang develop throughout the series (and were not neglected, as rabid zkers like to claim, for some reason? again - you are not one of them, anon).

This post also covers Katara’s interest in Aang throughout the series.

“I can’t understand why Kataang shippers are okay with such a crap story.”

I mean, you definitely don’t have to ship Kataang. It may not be your cup of tea, and that’s totally okay! But as the above links demonstrate, Kataang was a fantastic story. It was well-implemented into the narrative from Day 1. The soulmateism is unparalleled!

Also, it’s worth noting that A:TLA itself was essentially pre-written. The writers knew how the story would end from the get-go, including that the show would end with Kataang. A few Zvtara gags were thrown in to add a sense of “who will Katara choose?” drama as the show aired, but Zuko and Katara were never planned to end up together. One reason so many newer fans are fine with Kataang from the start is that there’s no tension of waiting a week for a new episode when you can watch all 61 episodes straight through on Netflix, lmao. It’s even more obvious now than when A:TLA was airing that Aang and Katara will end up together, if that makes sense. (Although I talked about this in the E-L post linked earlier, so you probably understand this point already, as it was explained in detail there!)

All of this is to say that Kataang is not a “crap story” in terms of writing (again, personal taste is a different matter) because it was woven in from the beginning and had powerful narrative significance! (Kataang represented numerous complementary components of the series, such as yin and yang, push and pull, air and water, Oma and Shu, etc.)

Now. If you really and truly want to understand why Kataang shippers like Kataang, anon, consider reading some Kataang fanfics or exploring some Kataang headcanons. I read fics involving Zvtara more regularly than you might think, lol, because… well, it’s just a ship. I understand the appeal of romantic Zvtara and I can actually appreciate it when it’s well-written! I’m sure if you’re willing to put in just a little legwork (you don’t need to go the whole mile, lmao - ‘tis just fandom), you’ll realize why people like Kataang, even if it isn’t exactly your thing. You have the range, anon!! You got this!

I hope I managed to answer your questions, my friend! As always, you do not have to agree with anything I have said here. It is totally fine if you and anyone else disagrees! Everything above is simply my own perspective on the matter. Thank you for taking the time to read my response and all the different links I provided! I hope it has expanded your understanding of the subject at hand!

#i spent all day writing this lmaooo #TWO WHOLE HOURS SPENT COMPILING LINKS #amy answers #anon #amy analyzes

[helena-thessaloniki]

Hi Helena! Big fan of your writing here🥺♥️ Your rivamika fics are my safe space 😭 (if you have time to answer) i’d love to know when you first started shipping them, why, and what made you continue to love this ship (or anything else to do with your journey as an RM shipper)? i love your characterisation of both levi and mikasa individually, but even more so, your portrayal of their dynamic as a couple, which is why i wanted to ask so badly ☺️ x

Hey anon! Oh woah, first of all, thank you so much. Second of all, oh god, you probably shouldn't have handed me the mic. heh 😅

I’m afraid to look at the word count of this response, I’m sure it’s much more than you bargained for, but I appreciate the question and enjoyed thinking through my response (: Most importantly, I’m so glad you find my stories as a safe space. It’s really an honor. Thank you for sharing with me 🖤🖤

TL; DR As a longtime reader, writer and lover of stories and story-telling, by being someone who pays attention to how stories are crafted and deliberately developed from beginning to end, I sincerely thought Isayama was setting up rivamika as an endgame relationship. So, I read into and interpreted meaning out of ALL their interactions and became deeply invested.

I don’t necessarily ship them cause of the parallels, age gap, enemies to lover trope, height difference, or some of those common reasons and/or kinks. I’m more basic and boring than that. I love the concept of them coming together as though it’s inevitable.

They both are unbelievably strong, selfless, and have suffered so much loss— so, no one else could truly understand them as well as they can understand each other. They both probably would have always settled for a stable, simple life, and been alone and lonely even without realizing it— instead, they find each other, and realize what it means to actually no longer be alone, to do more than just survive. It’s this understated bond, as opposed to a dramatic and passionate romance, that I envision in them and that I love so much.

Then, the passion, heat, the romantic "spark"— I think that’s an added bonus, the cherry on top, the perfect final puzzle piece. They’re both so physically capable, can speak through their actions, and don’t show much need or capacity for emotional/ verbal communication, so the ability to connect with each other through physical intimacy and mind-blowing sex seems like another given.

Still, at the end of the day, for me it comes back to their ability to fully depend on each other, to the inevitability. Not like some soulmate trope where they 'have no choice' in it, but like the stars aligned to prove it's right. How each of them have only one other person on the whole planet who could see and understand them, to be on par with them, to make them realize there’s more to life than settling and surviving, and they happen to find it in each other.

You asked, I rambled 😅 Here’s a breakdown of my thought process in my rivamika journey. For those who make it to the end or want to skip to the end, I'll finish with the excerpt of the very first rivamika scene I felt compelled to to write.

I've tried before to re-watch and remember the exact scenes, exact moments, that initially captured my full attention, but I guess it was all of them, the gradual and cumulative compilation of their earliest interactions.

Mikasa always appearing cool and indifferent, and paying no attention whatsoever to others fawning over, like Jean initially falling for her, but then her strongly reacting over Levi in the courtroom showed how uniquely capable he was at getting under her skin.

Of course, the scene in the forest chasing the Female Titan was a critical one. I think of that as the first time both Levi and Mikasa were truly able to see the other's strength, mental and physical. And for them, orphans and trauma survivors who have suffered extensive loss, I think that seeing strength in another person made them feel less alone. Less alone in a deep, quiet but cataclysm, life-altering sort of way, even if not a romantic one. Like they didn't know it was something they didn't have, something they didn't expect to get from life, but then found it with each other.

(Even when we found out Levi was an Ackerman, I was disappointed if it meant they were immediate relatives, but willing to accept it wouldn't be a romantic end to loneliness, it would be a familial end to loneliness. But... the author never explored that. Not once.)

In that forest scene, manga and anime, the way that Levi pauses to really look and see Mikasa and think about who she is, what she’s gone through, and how strong and dedicated she is now— that was a defining moment. It was also a visual demonstration of Levi breaking character, from aloof and ruthless, to considering and curious. I thought Yams was showing both of them do that on purpose.

Then, Levi getting hurt because of Mikasa in that scene felt like another clue. Sure, it was while saving Eren, and sure, it could have been meant to humanize super-soldier Levi, or sure, it could have been another aspect of how Mikasa rushing into things over Eren ends up hurting other people that later changes in her character development, but it felt like a very pointed statement about Mikasa being a vulnerability for Levi. And that's swoon-worthy, right? Most of us have been exposed to and conditioned by stories about how special and romantic it is to be the one and only girl who can make an otherwise disinterested or unattainable guy actually pay attention to her, and so admittedly I fall right for it.

I’m sure I’m forgetting plenty, but the opening of season 3 felt like confirmation. When Levi figures out Kenny's behind things and entrusts Mikasa with instructions to share with the others, instructions about fighting people instead of titans that ultimately everyone else besides her struggles with, and when Mikasa lets Levi hold her back from chasing after Eren, her most important way of trusting and having faith in Levi, I honestly took that as cues from the author that rivamika was endgame. I let myself get truly invested from then on. That’s that understated bond I was referring to. To me, that unspoken but undeniable trust is the most important dynamic.

Seeing them fight together or fight similarly has always been fun and powerful and fulfilling.

I'm newer to the snk club. I was originally an anime-only fan and started watching in fall 2019, I think. I wasn't on tumblr, twitter, or anything else to see fandom discourse. So, I didn't know that the rooftop scene of Mikasa fighting Levi over the serum was such a staple for our ship until much later. I love the scene just like many do for all the reasons we do, but I don't think the actual scene was pivotal for me, so much as it's aftermath. I thought it represented two things.

One, it was an important marker in Levi's characterization. Hands-down one of the most striking scenes to me is the one where Levi is in the alley, somber and alone, listening in on Eren, Armin, and Mikasa talking together. It artfully shows his longing for hope and connection. So, when Levi chose Armin for the serum, that represented Levi choosing hope. And when Mikasa ultimately gave up fighting Levi and didn't choose Armin, which Armin finds out about later on, I see that as an important marker in Mikasa's development. It puts a wedge between her and Armin/Eren [Armin, because he knows she would have let him die, and Eren, because Armin is too special to him and he couldn't look at her the same way after realizing she would have let him die]. That distance between her and her childhood friends is one I don't think could ever be healed completely, one of those painful lessons in growing up. By doing that, it then also puts a distance in Mikasa's own childhood self to her current self. I thought that matured her and separated her out in a way that was another clue toward eventual rivamika developments.

That's a whole other conversation on Mikasa, but I’ll stay on track. Her love for Armin was absolutely authentic and fierce, but at the end of the day, at the core of her being, she chose survival over hope. Meanwhile, Levi chose hope over survival. To me, that was soft, fertile ground for the reasons why eventually, if/when Mikasa found hope and chose hope, that could directly tie together with her inevitably in coming together with Levi. Again, less butterflies and fireworks, but more natural and in a way that was just a given.

I wrote Beyond the Walls before reading the manga from the Marley Arc and on, so that's why most of that story is her journey into embracing that hope. *manga spoilers* There's a lot of meta, criticism and talk about Mikasa's silent, off-screen and subtle style of character development in the Marley Arc and afterward. I won't go down that road, I'm still processing the end of the manga to be honest, but I think it's fair to say she does eventually end up choosing hope over survival when she lets go of Eren and saves humanity instead. I love the “Stay with Me” line and think it’s perfect; a simple but profound display of trust and their deep-rooted bond in a really understated way. *end manga spoilers*

Here's something I always wanted to talk about in full but haven't. It honestly reads to me like Yams was building toward rivamika, and didn’t do anything to stop that until too late. There are tools authors can use to ensure we stop shipping a pair or start shipping a new one; love triangles are commonly used in every artistic medium and we’ve all been persuaded by these tools. But Yams didn’t use these tools to make sure readers didn’t feel convinced by rivamika. For all the reasons I listed above, more I'm forgetting, and for the following:

If he wanted us to think they were family and it would be incest, he should have added in a conversation between them realizing they were (close) family and that they weren't the only ones left in their biological family like they thought. But he didn't.

If he wanted us to think it was completely inappropriate between a child-and-adult and student-and-teacher, then he could have done something to ensure Mikasa looked childish or Levi looked older, but no. They barely look ten years apart. I do think it's unacceptable and that there's a power imbalance between a child-and-adult relationship regardless of that, and that there can't be true consent when one is a superior and another a subordinate, so I personally age-up Mikasa in my head and try to handle his position of power responsibly in my writings... but the point being, by the end of canon, there's no inappropriate or non-consensual romance between them, yet there's a lot of history and chemistry that could naturally lead to an age-appropriate and consensual relationship. If Yams didn't want us to think so, he could have made it more clear that there were reasons it wouldn't happen.

The only thing that makes sense to me is the author planned on rivamika endgame but was shamed/pressured out of it (either internally or due to others) OR that the author somehow accidentally created such vibrant chemistry and an incredible dynamic between them. Like, he didn't put enough convincing substance of eremika in, didn't make Levi look old enough, didn’t have one of them do something unforgivable in the other’s eyes, etc. Those are some of those tools he could have used. Romance was never a key component in snk. And since we now know Yams planned or needed eremika endgame for sake of plot and the conclusion of the manga, I personally think he didn't know what to do with the riveting rivamika substance and chemistry being much more convincing to readers. Once he had them so well built-up, maybe the only option he felt he had was to just stop putting the characters together. We get little-to-no rivamika interaction, platonic or practical, after season 3 all the way up until the very end. But there was so much of it beforehand ?? So, it simply doesn't make sense. I think the author just straight-up cut any and all interactions out between them because it was too convincing and moving, more convincing and substantial than eremika. But, as the end of canon shows, we needed to have some eremika buy-in. It's messy writing and unskilled in the romance department, but considering for how long and how complicated snk has been in a creative process and how lackluster the eremika romance (the main and apparently pivotal romance) is developed, I think it’s plausible to say the author effed up.

As far as writing fanfiction goes, there's just so much room to explore them. In canon, we aren't given enough insight into their individual perspectives, let alone their dynamic together, so it feels like a blank canvas to work from. I think that's part of why I love to write them, and also why I don't necessarily read much of them. When I first started shipping them while watching the anime, I read a few of the classics that were canon-verse, but I haven’t really read much since. For me, exploring and discovering them as a writer is the most fun. (It's one of the reasons Naruto and Harry Potter have such large fanfiction collections. There's so much world-building and so many characters, but there's also so much left to the imagination.)

In general, I'm drawn to strong characters, especially women, who are multidimensional enough to be real, vulnerable and soft. Mikasa is the pinnacle of that. I don’t necessarily like to write about her love or infatuation with Eren, but I do respect and admire and consider it integral to her character and her amazing capacity to love. We can have strong, kickass women who falter when it comes to love but are still considered strong for it. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive and Mikasa is a beautiful example of that.

And Levi is strong, but real and vulnerable too; he’s honestly a fantastically developed character, from Petra explaining to Eren in the beginning how he’s not the amazing hero he’s painted to be to the public, to how Levi genuinely cares for Erwin and others and chooses hope despite all he’s suffered.

The end of the manga wrecked me a bit. Kind of like Games of Thrones. You have something that was so epic and well-done for so long, a rushed ending that isn't immediately sensical and isn't fulfilling is hard to stomach. Eventually, I'll move on from the denial of that and process what I think and feel about it. The whole reason we have fanfiction is to expand on canon, but it's made me put rivamika on the back burner until I figure it out. So I'm a little less hyper-fixated on the pairing right now even though interacting with you all and asks like this remind me what brought me here in the first place. 😊

To conclude, I’ll share that the very first rivamika content I wrote was a compilation of moments I thought could be inserted into season 3. These are still moments I plan to edit and publish one day. For anyone that actually read this far, I’ll put a rough and unedited excerpt of the first scene I ever wrote about them.

Thank you again anon 🖤😊

BEGIN EXCERPT [after the rooftop fight for the serum, immediately following the ceremony where Eren touched Historia by kissing her hand]:

Part of her was embarrassed at such a flagrant act of disobedience to a superior, especially to one who saved her and countless others' lives in the past. But mostly, she was anguished by the situation Captain Levi put her in once he revoked the serum meant to save Armin and planned to use it on Commander Erwin instead. Her current ostracization and self-loathing was not entirely her own fault. Anger she felt toward herself was just as easy to wield against him.

It must have shown in the grit of her teeth or defiant tone, because he turned to look at her, more aloof than curious.

Like a flint struck to steel, it ignited the fury she felt toward him.

“I shouldn’t have hesitated. I should have just killed you,” she answered him at last, piercing him with eyes darker than the night.

He wasn’t concerned. “You’re good, but not that good.”

Her hands fell to her side, fists clenched as she stood with a single, fluid movement. Before she could let loose a threat, he sighed.

“What’s the problem, Ackerman?” He was dismissive, his shoulders relaxed and posture loose.

The fire too furious to contain, she went sailing for him with the same speed from the battlefield. Her fingers already curled, she tightened her grasp as she swung her fist into his gods-damned apathetic face.

Levi wasn’t unprepared. He easily side-stepped her, then snatched her wrist to steal her momentum. Though he tried to toss her aside, she was no less fast; Mikasa dug her heel in and spun, her other arm shoving hard into his chest.

Too graceful to stumble, Levi used the chance to hook her second arm too. He caged both her wrists in a grip so strong, she was sure it bruised her bones. Still, he only looked at her warily, almost bored.

“Shouldn’t you be grateful? I chose Armin.” If his reminder was meant to ease her anger, it had the opposite effect.

Fury and desperation gifted her additional strength. She shoved into his chest hard. Levi shifted backward, nearly forced into loosening his grip; within that split second of an opening, Mikasa slammed her elbow into his chin, rocking his head backward.

“You did,” she seethed, but as fast as the fire inside her exploded, it was doused. Her next words came out broken and damp. “But I didn’t.”

Levi remained stern and otherwise unmoving as he attempted to flex his jaw through the spasm of pain. As the momentum of the fight died down, he loosened his hold on her wrists and evaluated her distraught frame.

Mikasa immediately released her own hands and turned away from him, eyes stinging from tears she refused to shed as she focused on the stars ahead. Admitting the harsh words aloud hurt her far more than any injury she could inflict onto him.

Not only was Armin one of the only friends she had, but he’d been a steadfast one throughout almost all she could remember of her life. After the trauma of her childhood, it was Eren and Armin who embraced her, whom she learned to love. Now, though, there was a wedge between her and Armin she was not sure could ever be removed. What was worse, as deplorable and selfish as she knew it proved her to be, was the painful wedge it now put between her and Eren too.

Once again, she found Levi standing at the peripheral of her sight, close enough to see but far enough to be a blur at the edge of her watery vision.

“You almost killed me.” Levi repeated his earlier words, but he said them with an odd bite, torn between frustration and patience. “You would have killed me to save him.”

Too late, Mikasa realized he hadn’t meant these words as an accusation, but an odd form of validation. She bit her bottom lip, teeth puncturing too hard; the tang of metal was sharp on her tongue when she swallowed blood.

“You thought about letting your closest friend die,” Levi said quietly, tiredly. “But I did let mine die. I left him for dead, when I could have saved him.”

Mikasa was startled from her selfish reverie, for the first time acknowledging the sacrifice he made on that fateful afternoon. She’d been too absorbed in her own relief, and then, her own regrets to consider what the decision had done to him.

For a brief moment, she considered turning to face him, but the stark reality of the matter made her refrain. How could she feel pity for his loss, when his loss enabled her gain? An uncomfortable knot tightened in her stomach.

“Tch,” Levi sighed. He was only one notch less taciturn, but for him, that was soft. “You’ll live with your guilt, and I’ll live with mine.”

His words granted Mikasa’s tears the permission to spill. She buried her face further into her scarf, both hands trembling at the worn threads. As quietly as he arrived onto the roof, Levi disappeared from it.

.

.

It was rare for him to indulge in alcohol or celebrations, but Erwin’s absence felt more tangible than his presence ever did. Levi distracted himself with the chaos of the few remaining Scouts that Erwin had died entrusting his legacy to, and attempted to drown the pain with whatever drink Connie Springer shoved into his hands.

He found Hanji with their ale long-forgotten about on the table as they half-stood from their seat, frantic while explaining some morbid experiment in great, vivid detail to an unsuspecting and slightly horrified MP officer.

Though Levi wordlessly took the seat beside them, Hanji paused their rant to slap him hard on the back, an enthusiastic greeting flying from their drunken lips. The MP took this chance to excuse himself, a pathetic attempt at politeness, but Hanji either didn’t care or didn’t notice.

“Ah, Levi,” they smiled at his drink, though it didn’t entirely reach their one eye. “Where you been?”

Levi didn’t answer. “You know, shitty-glasses, you’re even more unbearable about your experiments when you’re drunk.”

Hanji waved dismissively and reached for their ale. Years spent in battle and command together had gifted both of them with an eased familiarity, and sometimes, genuine friendship. In the same manner he ignored their question, Hanji ignored his lack of response and went on with their original inquiry.

“Careful, Captain,” Hanji warned lightly. “Now that there’s far fewer Scouts, you having a favorite might cause some division.”

Even though Hanji meant the words, there was a glint of mischief that twinkled in their remaining eye.

“It’s not favoritism,” Levi countered bluntly, turning his vision toward the young man on the far side of the room. “Eren is simply the best chance that we have in this war.”

Hanji laughed as if he’d made a joke and Levi looked back to stare at them, unable to be surprised at their quirks or oddities any longer, but still a touch curious about what spurned this current demonstration.

“I wasn’t talking about Eren,” Hanji said at last, a pointed nod toward his injured chin.

Levi blinked. He didn’t realize he was nursing his injury with the hand not on his drink. As though it were too hot to touch, Levi dropped his hand.

Hanji was not judgmental, nor inquisitive. In a war-torn life of losing too many cadets entrusted to him, the fact that Levi found a soldier with the strength and skill to remain safe was not only rare, but worth special attention. Still, it made him too lenient.

“Sometimes I think you’d let her get away with murder,” Hanji chided halfheartedly.

When he thought of Erwin dead in his grasp, sometimes he wasn’t sure if he already had.

#my asks #my thoughts #rivamika #rivamika fanfic #lena writes

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

alright. [claps hands together and rubs them] time to be positive for you guys!

specifically, i want to talk about one sweet conversation from e121: between yasha and jester during their nighttime watch.

to preface, i see yasha as the biggest caleb stan in the party who actually understands his internal conflicts and turmoil (and caleb feels similarly for yasha). veth loves the man and has supported him in just about every endeavour as the most enthusiastic and confident, but one journey she has never been able to accompany him on is the violent guilt, depression, and trauma of being a now-repentant war criminal lol. yasha and caleb’s conversation in e92 illustrated quite plainly that this shared understanding would be the foundation of their friendship. the ending of e106, when caleb tells yasha to “let herself some happiness” and she hugs him, cements this deeply.

to reflect on their conversation in e92, though: yasha knows that caleb is in love with someone, and that they’re a woman. ashley made some gestures to obfuscate at the time, reminding everyone that neither of them elaborated on who they were thinking of.

but i believe she knows caleb is in love with jester. the timing of e92 is conspicuous when it’s directly after e91, when caleb took jester aside before they went to bed and reassured her about travelercon/the traveler. while it followed the scene of nott’s kiss with caleb as well, what’s notable is how little of that scene had to do with caleb’s potential feelings. a major image of lollipops and hamster-unicorns and saying you’ve been working on it for weeks, then stuttering on “you have done so much for m—all of us” (as if about to say ‘me’ instead) is a little different.

but prim, yasha wasn’t there for that scene, you might say. how does this matter? well, caleb and jester's conversation wasn’t that private. he caught her in a hallway, where nott had been as well before excusing herself. my suspicion has to do with the fact that yasha peeking out of her room and accidentally overhearing and/or seeing some of that conversation is very much in the realm of possibility.

anyway, to my point!

let’s assume yasha knows that caleb is in love with jester. the curious dilemma is that caleb very clearly does not want to address it. his reaction to her question in e92 alarmed her—and she apologized. the fact that she has yet to bring it up again, either to him or to anyone else, suggests that she’s trying to recognize and respect his boundaries here.

in this context, yasha’s responses to jester re: her burgeoning relationship with fjord are intriguing. some relevant quotes (transcribed to the best of my ability):

YASHA: How do you feel about him [Fjord]?

JESTER: I mean... [She pauses to think, smiling.] He... It—it kind of feels different than I thought it would? After all of the books that I read, you know? Like it feels like... like we know each other really well. In all those books that I read, it’s two strangers coming together and forging this passionate affair! And it—[with laughter] it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like... like it feels comfortable instead?

YASHA: Hm...

JESTER: But in a good way?

YASHA: Well, from my experience—which is not a lot—I’ve found that... that passion and the love for somebody sort of is stronger the more you know them and the more you love them and... you know, I read—I read books, but I don’t feel like it’s ever really like that. It’s better.

[...]

YASHA: Well, I’m excited for you. No pressure, whatever happens. But... how beautiful, to explore those things.

compared to jester’s own excitement about yasha and beau, yasha does not express any similar excitement for fjord. her side of the conversation is instead focused on jester's experience.

this deliberate omission of any expectations on yasha’s side can be taken in a few ways. yasha clearly understands that this is a dynamic jester is excited to explore and is doing so for the first time. to emphasize that there’s “no pressure” is almost certainly because she wants to reassure jester that she’s willing to support her no matter what.

through a widojest lens, though—mine specifically—this also reads as yasha hedging her support of jester in a relationship with fjord specifically. although she won’t out caleb, so to speak, or betray what he told her in confidence, she is trying to maintain her support of him by being reserved on fjord and jester’s developing relationship.

to push this further, her response to jester’s assessment of a lack of ‘passion’ in their relationship so far is curious for how hesitant it is. to requote:

YASHA: Well, from my experience—which is not a lot—I’ve found that... that passion and the love for somebody sort of is stronger the more you know them and the more you love them and... you know, I read—I read books, but I don’t feel like it’s ever really like that. It’s better.

again, this can be understood in multiple ways. from one angle, this could be interpreted as both a reassurance and promise of things to come should they continue. the implication is that jester and fjord’s relationship has only just begun, so perhaps things will change as time passes and they grow closer.

from a widojest perspective, yasha’s hesitant response reads like a subtle warning. it suggests that if jester and fjord really do know each other so well already, then the passion should be there. if it isn’t, then how much does jester really romantically love fjord?

personally, i’m sitting here with a bag of popcorn eager to discover how jester grows into the kind of woman she wants to be. i adore yasha for being in the same boat, and i’m excited to find out if my widojest bias is in the right too.

#cr spoilers #cr meta #widojest #widojest meta #fjorester critical #anti fjorester #(it isn't really but i respect anyone with a blocklist who would not want to see posts like this) #prim says some things #prim post #long post

[xiaotopia]

Longing For You

Pairing: Fem reader x Aether

Words: 10k+ I lost count

Genre: one-shot, platonic relationship, fuff, angst, slight crack if you squint

Cw // mentions of character death, blood

Hi! It's my first time writing on here and I just write what's on my mind I'm sorry if this is bad since english is not my first language ㅠㅠ I promise I will get better with my writing! Enjoy ^^

Lonely.

That's what you are feeling. It's been 3 days you got stuck in this unknown land. You thought it was beautiful, it really was. But will you be ready to face what's in front of you?

You manage to survive with fruits like apples and cashews, at least that's what you thought the name was, because in your world they called it cashews. Even though it doesn't really give you enough nutritions, as long as you get to live you're okay with it. Heck there were almost nothing here. You wanted to explore the place more but there are monsters everywhere, and you- with no weapon, could only run and hide in hopes of not getting spotted by them. Will you ever survive?

Sighing, "just another day like this I guess"

you said before drifting to dreamland under a tree in a secluded area of the unknown land.

----

"She's still breathing"

"Paimon! What are you doing?!"

You could hear someone whispering- half screaming to be exact, at someone but you are more bothered at someone poking your arm with a stick. Groaning, you woke up and realized someone invaded your place. Ready to fight whoever that was, your actions suddenly come to a halt when you meet a pair of golden eyes and his tiny little companion. They were as shocked as you, well... I guess you are more shocked to see a floating kid beside the blonde boy.

Quickly, you hide behind a tree. Since you don't have any weapon to defend yourself what else can defend you other than a tree?

"w-who are you?! And why you can float?!"

you shrieked, the little floating kid crossed her arms and scoffed at your question. Why would she scoffed at you?

"excuse me young lady but we're the one who should ask you that!".

You just meet her now but god knows how much her high-pitched voice started to annoy you. The blonde boy beside her started to speak up before his companion could even say a word,

"I'm sorry she bothered you. I'm Aether, and this is my travel companion, Paimon. We found a group of hilichurls around here and we already fight them off before it could reach your campsite. May we know what is your name?" he asks as his pair golden orbs stares straight into you.

"Uh.. My name is y/n..."

He smiles, assuring you that they're safe and can be trusted, you slowly got out behind the tree when he stretches out his hand for a handshake. You grab his hand, reciprocating his action. "it's nice to meet you y/n".

----

"No"

"Aether c'mon please?"

"ugh fine"

It's been a month you had stayed in Monstadt, The Land of Freedom, and a month since your encounter with Aether and Paimon. She still annoys you though, but you're really grateful that she can keep the conversation going because it always turns awkward whenever you tried to initiate a conversation with people. You learned that Aether didn't come from this world too, separated from his sister by the unknown god and now is looking for her in Teyvat. Hopefully, you can go back home too.

You missed your family of course but you're also happy that there are people who willing to take care of you, especially Barbara. She treated you like her own sister, beside Jean. You learned everything here from Lisa and learned how to fight from the cavalry captain Knights of the Favonious, Kaeya. And Diluc? He's hot, but cold as ice at the same time and you went to the Tavern once, only to see him talking to a bard named Venti, about how the bard needs to stop drinking all of his dandelion wine before he runs out of it because of him.

Now, Aether is in front of you as you manage to persuade him to bring you to one of his adventures. He never let you tag along because he told you it's dangerous outside. Both of you are no vision holders, but he has the power of Anemo. It's still a mystery to you but he's an outlander so it would probably make sense why he can have such powers even without a vision blessed by the Archons.

"But! You only have to fight the hilichurls only while I take down those mitachurls, got it?" he says. Nodding your head aggressively, you started your journey with him as an adventurer.

"Let's go to Liyue!" Paimon says excitedly.

---

"That was close, thank you y/n"

Aether pants heavily, letting out a sigh of relief as you kick off the last hilichurl with your sword. Turning around to face him, you tell him it's nothing.

You three bumped into a hilichurl camp in the middle of the road of Bishui Plans. Unfortunately, those group of monsters noticed you before you three could even hide.

You were about to follow Paimon but Aether called you, you look at him as his face expressed shocked. You asked him what's wrong only him to point at your hips. You were confused so you look down where he's pointing at. Well now you're equally as shocked as him, if not because of the shining crystal blue orb hanging on your belt.

"What... I-I swear it wasn't there before?"

You whispered, questioning yourself because how did it get there? How did you even got a vision? What did you do? You know it's a vision because Lisa has taught you at the library back in Mondstadt. How? That was all in your mind.

You hear Paimon gasped, putting her hands on her mouth, "you got a vision! Let me see!". She flew to look at your vision before touching it to get a better look. "You got a cryo vision!" she exclaimed.

"Cryo? You mean I get the power of ice?" You question her. She nodded her, "Yes! Now you can help Aether to fight enemies!". Looking down at your feet, sighing. Aether asked you what's wrong and you simply said you don't know how to fight. Like actually fighting enemies with your own power, how to use it and how to handle it. What if you unintentionally hurt people around you? Aether chuckled at your response. You look up at him, tilting your head in confusion.

"Don't worry, I'll teach you"

----

"I wish kaeya was here"

"You don't like it when I teach you?!"

Chuckling at your friend, you said it's not that you don't like it when he teaches you. It's because "it would be easier if a cryo vision holder teaches me how to control the element", you says.

He let out a puff, while you were stroking Paimon's hair on your lap. She snores softly and you swear you could hear her mumbling sticky honey roast in her sleep. Giggling at her, you wonder how can she be cute and annoying at the same time. It's unfair you think. You turned your head to look at Aether and he was zoned out, as always.

"Mind telling me what's in your mind?"

You picked up his habits quite quickly, since you both attached to the hips all the time. You would notice he always does this when he's deep in thought. The same goes for him. You both can read each other like an open book.

He looks at you, smiling. Shaking his head and tells you he always thinks the same, about his sister. You smiled back at him, you assured him that you will meet her soon. And now, you both enjoy the calm breeze as you both watched the sun set over the blue horizon at the nearby cliff in Liyue.

"S-sticky honey roast... "

----

Annoyed.

That's how you feel right now.

This guy just keeps pestering you for 20 minutes now. You got separated with Aether as he got something to do with Zhongli, the Wangsheng Parlor Funeral Consultant. Aether wanted to let Paimon stay with you but you said you're fine on your own and you would enjoy alone time in the time being while waiting for them.

But you didn't expect this.

"Can you stop following me now?"

"Why would I?"

Rolling your eyes, you bump into his shoulder, or Childe as he call himself.

"Oh don't be like that girlie-" " I have a name shut up" you sigh for the nth time. You need to avoid this man, because he's one of the Fatui, you don't want to involve yourself and Aether with them. That's why you've been running and avoiding him at all cost.

"Well you never tell me your name girlie-"

"It's y/n okay? Now go you're getting on my nerve..."

you mumbled the last sentence. He only chuckles at your reaction as he enjoys it. You were buying some street food from the food stall and before you could give your mora to the seller, someone beats you to pay for the food. You were not complaining though, you didn't thank him either.

"Okay then but can I ask you one last question, y/n?" he smiles widely while you only look at him, chewing your spicy fish cake, unamused. His question however, almost send you to you death as you were choking on your food.

"W-what did you say?!" "I want to get to know about you"

Aether is not going to like this...

----

As expected, he was mad. No, he was furious.

"Why did you talk to him?!"

"I tried not to talk to him Aether, he kept following me when I tried to avoid him! To the point he creeps me out..."

Aether sighs, rubbing his forehead as Paimon watched you two arguing. Was this the only time Paimon shuts her mouth? Excluding the time she's asleep. She knows when to silent herself because this time, Aether is different in Paimon's eyes.

"So.. Did you agree?" he questioned, not giving you a glance. You shake your head, "No, of course I didn't. He's dangerous and he could hurt us if he has the opportunity..." Which is true. Childe is a harbinger, and you, just a mortal from another world who just got dumped to Teyvat out of nowhere.

Aether engulfs you in a hug, which surprised you. You could feel your cheeks burning from the physical contact. His arm wraps around your shoulder while the other strokes your hair, calming you.

"I won't let that happen to you, Paimon and me. I won't let him hurt us, I will promise you that I will protect you both from any danger. I don't want to lose another friend..." he says and the last sentence sounds more like a whisper to you but you understand him.

You also promised to yourself that you will protect paimon and him. Because you love them.

----

"Well traveller, you're quite stronger than I thought"

"Stay away from him!"

You yelled at the harbinger, keeping yourself from falling as you struggled to stand up. Paimon tried her best to keep Aether awake while you were guarding them, ready to attack him anytime.

Childe let out a loud laugh, as if he was mocking you and your companion. Shaking his head, he came closer to you.

"You know what, you're lucky that you didn't fall for my tricks" he chuckles. You were getting antsy everytime he take a step closer to you, "no one is fool enough to fall for a harbinger, Tartaglia" you sneered.

He was about to attack you with his hydro sword but you managed to dodged it with your power and turning it into an ice. You both fight for a while and fortunately, Aether came to help you.

After hours of fighting, that's what you think, you feel drained out. Slumping on the floor, you take a glance at Aether he was panting hard, Paimon at his side to support him. And Childe, he looks better than both you and Aether combined but he's still in a good shape.

As you were trying to stand up, you saw a glimpse of a woman at the corner of your eye. You widen your eyes and tried to push Aether away as you saw the woman was about to attack him with her sharp ice.

Signora.

You made a wall of ice to protect Aether and Paimon from her attacks. However, you didn't do it for you. You didn't protect yourself and got hit by the ice. The ice wall from you melts, so does Aether's world when he saw you, bleeding from your own element.

Childe was as shocked too, he thought you were a genuine person, he really do. Is this what it feels when you know someone personally got hurt? He can't imagine what Aether feels now.

You fell, you felt dizzy as you hit your head on the solid ground.

"Y/n!" Aether and Paimon yelled your name, but why do they sound like they're miles away?

"Y/n! Keep your eyes open! Don't you very dare to close your eyes!" Your friend screamed. Paimon is holding your hand while sobbing on you. "Y/n you can't leave us! Paimon still want to have fun with you!"

All you can do is cry. You don't want to leave them. You still haven't find your way back home, you can't. But you were losing so much blood and all you could do is remembering your moments with your friends.

Aether and Paimon.

Aether holds you on his lap, you could feel his tears falling on your cheek. He cups your cheek as he stares into your (e/c) orbs. To him, it resembles the stars on the night sky. He wish he could look at them like this before.

Not when you're dying.

He put his forehead on yours as he keeps repeating "please don't leave" to you. You promised him that you will protect him, but not stay with him. Did you regret it? Yes. You wish you could stay but you knew at the end, both of you will leave eventually.

But you didn't expect that you would leave them like this.

With all your might, you hover your hand over his that was on your cheek, rubbing it softly. "Promise me, we will meet someday, wether it be in our next life or in different universe, promise me we will meet again" you said, voice getting hoarse and staring to his golden eyes. You want to remember his eyes, his nose, his lips, his everything.

"Paimon doesn't want you to leave!" your little friend cried, you let out a loud sob as you pull her to your chest, soaking your bloody shirt with her tears. You three tried to cherish your last moment together, even though it was a tragic one, like now.

Aether tighten his hold on you, Paimon cries harder when she saw the colour of your vision starting to fade, knowing you couldn't make it.

"Paimon loves you, y/n", all you can do is cry, before your last breathe you hear Aether says "I promise you, we will meet again.. I love you"

Your vision faded, you fall into a deep sleep and everything turns dark.

----

"She's awake!"

"Call the doctor!"

You slowly opened your eyes, the bright light hurting your eyes, still adjusting to the surrounding. You could feel your tears were falling. Why did you cry? Then it hit you.

You were in the hospital.

You remember what happened, was that all just a dream? It feels real, way too real for your liking.

"Thank god, you're finally awake!" your mom sobs. Wait, your mom is here? You're finally back? You were supposed to be happy but why did you feel sad?

"H-how long did I... Sleep?" you asked, voice raspy as your throat lacks of hydration. Your mom gave you a glass of water and you gladly drink it, your throat still hurt.

"2 months now, you got hit by a car and the guy felt bad. He even insisted to pay for your bills", your mom says as she hold your hand. It's been a few minutes but you missed them. Aether and your little friend Paimon.

"Oh.." that's all you can say. You really don't know what to respond. You were happy that you're finally awake but you also missed people you met in Teyvat. Are they real or just your imagination?

"I forgot to tell you, the person who pays for your hospital bill will visit you. He always visits you when me and your dad is busy with work", you nodded your head, didn't have the energy to reply your mom back.

Suddenly, the door opens, revealing a tall man. You face him, only to widen your eyes as you were shocked to see the person in your dream.

"Childe?"

----

It's been a month since you got discharged from the hospital and been recovering well. You still struggle to walk on your own though, but nothing serious. Ever since you met childe, you both got along very well, not like the one in your dream.

"So... What I dreamed of during my coma was real?" You asked him, walking through the flowery path as the cherry blossom falls on the ground beside him arms clinging to his.

"Yeah. In fact, I'm still the same Childe in your dream!"

"Yeah as you wish. The only same thing is you keep paying things for me.. And being annoying"

You remarked. He only laughs and told you the reason why he keeps doing that is that it's the only kind action he could do, even now. But in reality, he felt guilty. He

"By the way, I want you to meet an old friend of mine. You won't mind right?"

"What's the point of asking me if you're going to introduce your friend to me now?"

"Geez woman, you're still the same"

you could only laugh at him. To you, he's a good friend but no one could replace Aether. If you met Childe, there's a possibility of you to meet Aether and Paimon right?

"Oi blondie! We're here!" Childe yelled, getting you out from your deep thoughts. You look up only to meet a pair of golden eyes that you've missed so much.

It feels like the time has stopped. He walked towards you and slowly, engulfed you in a hug. You were stunned, you meet him. You both found each other. You hugged him back, tightly. You let out tears of joy, he was relieved he found you that he also cried.

"You didn't forget me don't you?" You hear a feminine voice behind Aether, only to find Paimon crossing her arms, just like when you meet her for the first time. But what amazes you that she's in a different form. She looks... Like you. A woman.

Your eyes got teary again and went straight to her, giving her a big hug which she reciprocated. "I miss you so much Paimon" you burried your head into her neck. Paimon was happy she could meet her.

Childe and Aether could only look both of you with adoration. Aether cleared his throat, without looking at the man beside him, eyes still on you. "Thank you, if it wasn't for you, we wouldn't find her"

The red haired man could only smile, "it's no problem. I couldn't face anyone after what happened in Teyvat. Think of this as my way to apologize". Aether couldn't answer, he only nodded his head to let him know he's listening.

You went to him only get a hug from you. You missed him so much. And you noticed Aether doesn't have his long braided hair anymore, which saddens you because you always play and braid his hair.

"I noticed that you finally got rid of your annoyingly long hair", you teased him. You hear him chuckled as he tightened his grip around you. "Can't let the annoyingly long hair distract people sweetie. People found it weird here"

"But I like it though..." you blushed at the pet name he gave you. You both just couldn't let go of each other now. He strokes your hair, enjoying each others presence. "I'm so glad that I found you", "me too, I'm glad you're here".

The other two friend only watched you two reunited again, hugging each other and won't let each other go because you missed each other so much that you both are afraid one of you vanished anytime. But it's real.

"Childe can we get some sticky honey roast?"

"Good grief, paimon.."

#genshin impact x reader #genshin impact imagine #genshin impact #aether x reader #genshin imagines #childe #emergency food #this is my first time writing please be nice constructive criticism is allowed 😔 #tw blood

[the-seas-song]

Richard Armitage and Astrology

Hi! I find astrology fascinating, and am an armchair expert on it myself, so I found Richard's comments in his recent Total Film Magazine interview very interesting. This is what he said:

I’ve been incredibly lucky. I’ve dabbled with having my celestial chart looked at every couple of years, just for a little tune-up. Every time, the guy sighs, and goes, “What can I say? You’ve just got a sprinkle of luck.” And I say, “That’s good, because I don’t have the talent, so I really need the luck!”

[cut]

There is a naughty, dark side to me. I am quite strongly affected by the moon. So if there’s a full moon I’ll go a bit crazy. (source)

This isn't the first time Richard's mentioned astrology – he's mentioned being a Leo, reading his daily horoscope, and finding out he was born in the Chinese Year of the Pig; but these were all informal twitter comments. He has also mentioned the effect the moon has on him before, in February 2020:

“Everyone has cycles of positive mental and emotional feelings and negative mental and emotional feelings and I know that I am profoundly affected on a monthly cycle. I always look at the calendar when I'm feeling particularly low and check the lunar cycle to see if it's a full or new moon.” (source)

However, what prompted me to write this is that Richard's personal put-downs were even more direct here than usual; and the connection that has to his natal, or birth, chart.

A little disclaimer: Personally, I think general horoscopes (like the ones you find in magazines) do far more harm than good. They are based solely on the twelve sun signs, and your sun sign is just one puzzle piece out of 25+ pieces that make up your natal chart. This is why many people don't relate to their horoscope or it's personality description.

Your natal chart, however, is a whole different animal. It's an intricate puzzle created by the exact date, time, and location you were born; which is why most people find their natal charts to be scarily accurate.

Back during the Hobbit days, a fan blog reported that Richard told a NZ fan that his birth time was just after 4 a.m. I used 4:05 for this post, and being off by a few minutes doesn't really make a difference.

Richard and self-esteem

I really feel for and relate to Richard's self-esteem struggles, because our charts mirror each other. We are both Leo suns; but I have my moon in Aries with my MC and Chiron conjunct each other in Virgo and sextile my North Node; while Richard has his moon in Virgo with his MC and Chiron conjunct each other in Aries and sextile his North Node.

What on earth does that mean?

Each planet represents a different part of you. The sun represents your ego/conscious self; the moon your emotions, mercury your mind/intellect, venus love and beauty/aesthetics, mars passion and drive, etc.

On top of the twelve planets, there are specific points and asteroids that are also important. Your MC, or Midheaven, represents your career and public persona. Your North Node describes your inner journey and life purpose. The asteroid Chiron describes your major soul wound, that you will be forced to deal with throughout your life.

A conjunction and a sextile are two of several different kinds of aspects. The different kinds of aspects are the different ways your respective puzzle pieces can interact with each other. Some are 'easy/positive' and some 'difficult/negative'. A sextile is considered easy/positive. A conjunction means two things are next to each other and overlap with one another, and is usually considered positive.

Leo and Aries are both fire signs. Fire signs are generally playful, warm, passionate, confident, and optimistic. Virgo is an earth sign. Earth signs are generally practical, grounded, sensual, and logical.

Richard's personality is dominated by an almost equal amount of Leo and Virgo influence, with both his sun (core self) and venus (love and beauty) in Leo and his moon (emotions) and mercury (mind) in Virgo.

Aries and Virgo are said to be the most difficult Chiron signs, because they are the wounds tied directly to your self-worth (Aries is the wound of Self and Virgo is the wound of Perfection). With Aries Chiron you feel a core sense of worthlessness, like you're missing a fundamental piece of your core self. This deeply felt lack of self-worth leads people to be people pleasers and have issues with confrontation and conflict.

Aries rules the planet mars. It is the warrior planet of passion, drive, and combat. A conventional Aries is confident, outgoing, impulsive, and strong willed. Aries and mars are definitely the rowdiest sign and planet in the zodiac. However, with Chiron here the traits are inverted, and so someone like Richard is much more likely to be scared of his inner passion, confidence, and willpower – depending, of course, on what the rest of his chart is like.

That leads us to Virgo. Chiron Virgo feels impure, like there is something fundamentally wrong with them. This kind of low self-esteem makes you feel like you have to constantly try to 'fix' yourself so people will love and accept you. It's an OCD type of perfectionism that only ends in failure and heartbreak.

A good example of how this works is when I talked to my therapist recently. I hadn't quite succeeded in meeting my goals, and so my automatic response was to condemn myself for failing. My therapists immediate response was to congratulate me on how much progress I had made.

Ironically, unlike with Aries, this isn't an inversion of the conventional Virgo. Conventional Virgo is meticulous, detail-oriented, focused, patient, efficient, practical, perfectionistic, systematic, and pessimistic with high expectations. If Aries is the official warrior of the zodiac, Virgo is the official nit-picker.

This means that Richard's subconscious intellectually (mercury) and emotionally (moon) expects and demands perfection, whilst simultaneously feeling fundamentally worthless. In short: ouch.

Interestingly, a significant number of celebrities have their Chiron conjunct their MC. Personally, I think Richard hit the nail on the head as to why in his essay on the Human Condition for Cybersmile:

The answer in my humble opinion, (and believe me it is humble, to a point of taking 43 years to be shared) is actually something which applies to my work as an actor. It’s why sometimes actors are called in to work with therapists, in large corporations, in schools. It’s why drama therapy is fantastic to understand what we do, how we do it and what the outcome might be, and in an improvisation where we aren’t playing ourselves sometimes we explore avenues that are too frightening or unacceptable in our own lives.

[cut]

So going back to my very first point, the “social media society” in which we’d all like to feel safe, supported, excited, creative, spontaneous, innovative, courageous, is really in our own hands. And back to acting, it’s taken me a long time to shake off the effects of bullying in school. That people were always laughing behind my back. I was always looking out of the corner of my eye. I now have incredible peripheral vision which is so useful, (as is Kinesthetic sense…Google it) but try being a brave, experimental, uninhibited actor with all of those hang ups. Wasn’t happening.

So here is the thing, and it’s key to my work and I think ours as a community. When we speak or write, we ultimately desire to ‘affect’. If we aren’t watching the destination of that affect, then how do we know our words have landed and the ‘effect’ they have caused?

[cut]

If I have a strong opinion about something which I want to express I really task myself with backing it up with the ‘why do I feel that?’

Again it’s part of my work building a believable character, and actually part of building a believable ‘me’ outside of my work. Just.. “because that’s what I feel” is a bit of a cop out.

[cut]

As for Bullying, it’s like the moment the pot boils over, or it’s the poisoned stream that can’t be cleansed, so why bother. Well I think that’s what art is for. It’s can support the best and the worst of ourselves. We can ‘attack’ a canvas with black angry paint, we can ‘savage’ a piano keyboard, we can dance until we drop, we can read about a Puritan society who executed elders, we can explore the psychology of a serial killer, and when we can’t do this ourselves we can experience it, and witness it through others.

It’s more than being nice. Edward Munch’s “The Scream” is far from nice. Francisco Goya’s “Saturn” is horrific, Metallica, Die Antwoort etc etc. But then there is Monet, Faure, Renée Fleming, Peter Jackson, Ariana Grande (ok it’s getting a bit eclectic I admit) but when we look, listen and empathize, we tune in to the Human Condition.

We are all part of The Human Condition, whether we like it or not. Social Media. Expression. The Human Condition.

Us human beings are wired for emotion and connection. For actors, their career gives them a way to safely process and explore their personal wounds through the characters they play. For Richard in particular, his mars is conjunct his North Node. So, his mars and North Node are sextile his Chiron and MC.

Remember, Aries (the sign of Richard's Chiron and MC) is ruled by mars. Mars is the warrior planet, like Aries is the warrior sign. This means that Richard's spiritual journey/life's purpose (North Node) deals directly with healing his soul wound so he can accept and embrace his inner confidence and willpower. This explains why he ends up playing a lot of ultra-masculine characters – mars/Aries are the most macho of them all.

This isn't to say I think Richard should change who he is! I wouldn't be interested in him if he was ultra-masculine or macho. However, for his own sake, I would be overjoyed to see him gain more self-esteem and inner confidence.

Extrapolating from my own personal experiences, the constant criticism and judgement I received during my adolescence from my peers and various authority figures (like family members and teachers) for being unconventional and 'over the top' caused me to turn on myself and repress my passion and will-power for several years. I think it's highly likely that Richard experienced this too.

Here are some quotes from Richard that illustrate everything I've been talking about (emphasis is mine):

Armitage is still notably handsome, but, within minutes of meeting him, it’s apparent how incongruous it is that this bookish, sensitive, self-described ‘melancholic, philosophically-minded softie’ and ardent fan of The Great British Bake Off was cast as beefcake killer totty for a considerable part of his career. ‘It’s ridiculous. It’s the complete opposite to who I am. I’m such a pacifist,’ he laughs. ‘But then, part of me always felt: “Well, isn’t that why we’re actors?”

[cut]

'I think the turning point was losing my mum,” he says. “Up until that point, I felt like I mustn’t put a foot wrong, that if I said the wrong thing or revealed too much about my personal life, it could all come crashing down, and it would come down on my parents, and they wouldn’t be proud of me anymore.” He shrugs. “Now that I’m past that I’m actually much more carefree about the choices I make.” (source)

Richard Armitage puts his head in his hands and emits a noise that's somewhere between a sigh, a laugh and a groan. “Oh no! Why would you want to pin this up?” he says with a horrified whisper.

[cut]

Never has a man seemed more ill at ease with the heartthrob label. He squirms with embarrassment in his chair every time the subject comes up. He is grateful for the loyalty of his fans, he says, but worries that “there is this thing of, 'Is he just totty?' Because the industry will sometimes write you off as a serious actor if they think that. I have always been conscious of that and fought against it, because I don't really see myself like that at all.”

[cut]

This brings us back to Astrov, who looks so relentless towards the future that he can't see the truth in front of his eyes. “It's interesting that he's an outsider in the play. I've often felt like that myself in life. I'm quite a solitary person. I enjoy my time with me, and sometimes it's not necessarily healthy, because I can talk myself into quite a dark place.

I'm an optimist, but at the same time, there's a discipline in me that will attack me for not working hard enough, not achieving enough, not being good enough. You always think, 'I'll grow out of that. With success, those voices will disappear.' But they don't, they get louder. I suppose I'm learning a bit about myself through Astrov.” (source)

The answer in my humble opinion, (and believe me it is humble, to a point of taking 43 years to be shared) is actually something which applies to my work as an actor. … And back to acting, it’s taken me a long time to shake off the effects of bullying in school. That people were always laughing behind my back. I was always looking out of the corner of my eye. I now have incredible peripheral vision which is so useful, (as is Kinesthetic sense…Google it) but try being a brave, experimental, uninhibited actor with all of those hang ups. Wasn’t happening. (Human Condition essay)

So I kind of travelled on that line for a while, and I was bullied for it as well. The problem with me is that as soon as you try to push me down or say “you can’t do this” and “I don’t think you should do that”, I immediately push back. So I did – I’d decided really young that I was going to try to make a career out of it.

[cut]

Actually, there was something I wanted to add to what Shaun said, about inclusivity, is that um, no matter how – how much confidence you have or how, in my case, lack. Y’know, I always felt like a misfit, or an oddball, or that I didn’t belong. But I always – I always told myself that ‘you exist in the world, so therefore there’s a place for you in this industry’. I think anybody who feels like, “I can’t become an actor because…” – you exist. And, y’know, the job of filmmakers is to write about our life and society, and if you are a part of that, then there’s a place for you in the industry. (source)

I'm a bit of a brooder. I don't like confrontation, so I think I suppress things. When my temper does come out, it goes all the way – the kind of temper you can't apologize for. Yep, the chair getting thrown out of the window. Those emotions are scary, but hey, they come in useful when you're acting. (source)

Armitage is a noticeably calm presence but he talks with passion.

[cut]

In the past, he has described himself as a shy person. “Not any more,” he says forcefully. “I mean… if I’m very, very honest, I’m a big guy, I think I’m at times quite a frightening person.”

In what way?

“I think I’m quite uncompromising. I can’t bear bulls---. And in a way the shyness is me protecting other people from that. I can feel that there’s an intimidation that can happen if I own my full height, and speak at my full volume. So I’ve learned over the years to just tone it all down a bit.” (source)

I've become one of those actors who find it difficult to say no when things are offered. I think if I had come out of drama school and been an instant Hollywood superstar I would be taking long, leisurely holidays. But I always feel somehow it's going to be taken away from me so I work when I can. When you struggled with work as I did when I left drama school you make hay when the sun shines. There was a time when I thought, and my agent thought, it wasn't going to happen for me. We both sat down and I actually said I don't know if I can stay in this state. The interesting roles have only come since I got into my 30s. But I didn't know that was going to happen. I'm a bit of an all or nothing kind of guy. To be honest, I had no blind faith in myself. I don't think I could have stayed around as a jobbing actor. I would probably have quit. Who knows? I think I would have found that too frustrating. But at the moment when I thought I was going to quit, something happened and it all changed again. (source)

[talking about being cast in the Hobbit]

There was a little bit of guidance as to what they were looking for. I felt that I was too young for the character, too tall for that character, so I thought, you know, ‘I’ll just look at the scene they’ve written’. And then I realised the essence of the character that they were aiming for. So I went to meet Peter and Phillipa and we read some of the scenes. I think we spent an hour-and-a-half talking about the character and what their vision was, and I sort of explained who I thought he was, and that was it.

[cut]

Yeah, my first instinct, whenever that kind of thing happens, is to say, 'Well what's wrong with the part? Why did nobody else want it'? Which is kind of the story of my life really. When I get offered something, I'm like, 'Well there must be something wrong with it if they're offering it to me!'

[cut]

But you know, the thing is, you talk about all of this: ‘How did you get the role? And how did it feel when you got the role?’ And once all that’s died down you start to think, ‘I’ve actually got to go and play this now’. They’ve trusted me. Everyone’s happy, everyone’s celebrated, the phones have gone down and the deal’s been done. Now it’s over to me to make the role work. And that’s the scariest moment, because you do have that elation and then the work begins and you think, ‘How the hell am I going to do this?’ (source)

How was it for you taking on this beloved role, this character that has such a huge responsibilty on his back? Could you relate in some ways?

Richard Armitage: Yeah. There is always building within him this paranoia that he’s not a good enough leader, and that weighs him down. I have experienced that same feeling as an actor in this role. And I was aware of taking on the responsibility of that character, so there was something I could latch onto there, as one of the people who loved ‘The Hobbit’ book and had envisioned that character. It took me a while to be convinced that I could do it, it wasn’t until I saw some sketches, this one particular pencil sketch….there was something about this characters eyes and the way that his hands are crossed, I thought, “I think I can do this, I can pull this off.” (source)

Q: I wanted to ask you about what your Arkenstone is. For you personally.

A: Me personally?

Q: And I meant for this to be materialistic. What's the thing that you covet so much that it makes you mad that you don't have it?

A: Well, it's actually not material. It's not material, and it's – (laughs) You want a comedy answer, don't you? But it's respect. It's the thing that always eludes you, you know. You have to fight for it and when you get it, your arkenstone, the thing that crowns you, is respect.

Q: And also a sweater.

A: And a sweater. I do have this little natty number.

Q: It's a good one man.

A: Tom Ford made this personally. But hey, he can have it back. I don't covet wealth and material. (source)

Q6: You’ve done a variety of different roles, I wonder what influences you to pursue those roles?

R: More often than not, you go where you’re wanted. So getting hired is still kind of a revelation to me, a shock and a surprise. Sometimes you have very flat periods, where I don’t really care what comes next, I just want to work on something. I feel like I’ve got a little cloud of luck over my head so the right thing always seems to come along. But again, I’m easily excited about literature and stories, so I’ve always said I don’t really pursue glory, I’d happily do acting for two people in my living room if it was a role that I really enjoyed with a story I’d really like to tell. So it’s chance, I would say.

[cut]

Q8: Once in an interview about Thorin, you were asked what your arkenstone was and your answer was respect. I like this answer a lot. So I was wondering what’s your red dragon? As you said yesterday he’s a character who sheds his skin, improves, and becomes something. I was wondering if there was something you’d like to improve, become?

R: I guess the antithesis of that is disrespect. Do you mean in myself?

Q8: Yes.

R: Yeah I try not to be too disrespectful. I guess I value the truth. I think we’re living at a time at the moment where the truth is warped and there’s a word that’s been in my head for a long time, and particularly recently it’s come to the surface. When I was studying Macbeth, at the RSC, I read a long thesis about the gunpowder plot, which was one of the things they thought that Shakespeare (or whoever Shakespeare was) was stimulated by to write Macbeth. And the word equivocation was used in this thesis, it was actually about equivocation and what equivocation is. And if you look it up in the dictionary, at the moment most politicians are equivocating. When you don’t answer a question, or you bend the truth to make it seem like you are answering the question, and in fact you’re telling a lie. So I would say my red dragon would be equivocation.

[cut]

Then there was the physical form that I was studying and observing, but also, I do sometimes enjoy locking myself away in a room and reading a book or just doing something alone, and you sometimes can go a couple of days without speaking to anybody. I don’t know whether anyone else experiences this or whether I’m just a weirdo. But I find that when that happens my voice changes, and I always forget how to make a noise, I have to do a warm-up before I go into the world and start speaking again.

[cut]

Q15: I was wondering if you ever had to pull out of a project because it felt wrong or something, and what is the point where you say “nope I can’t do this”?

R: Um, no. But that’s partly to do with the fact that I have a lot of loyalty, probably too much loyalty for my own good, really, and there’ve been moment when I’ve been on board a project, and actually it happened this year with The Lodge, I was already on board that project and something else came along which was bigger and better and brighter and more money, and your agent says “look we can pull you out of The Lodge, they can probably recast it,” and here I think “I’ve already started this process, I don’t want to let people down,” and I don’t have a problem with that at all, I never have any regrets over the things that you miss or the things that you decide not to do, I think there’s a strong enough reason why you’ve decided not to do it, but in general no I haven’t ever pulled out of something. There was one television show I remember, I’m not going to say what it is, but after the first readthrough, I did call my agent and asked, “can I get out of this?” And then he quickly got back to me and said, “don’t do it. Don’t build a reputation built on disloyalty.” So I try not to.

[cut]

Q18: I think you are very handsome, but your character Francis hated the way he looked, how did that make you feel?

R: Francis hated the way he looked? Yeah. I guess there is something we relate to in that. Without getting too personal, I don’t always enjoy looking at myself in the mirror. I don’t do it very often, to be honest. I do it just to be sure I don’t have food on my face. I do it in character, actually. I do spend a bit of time studying my own face when I’m playing a character, which is interesting because your face does change. (source)

He cannot see the handsomeness: “I think I am odd-looking. I have big lines on my forehead.” I squint, looking for them, but he is talking over me, sounding slightly panicked. “I shouldn’t draw attention to it, because then everyone else will see the oddness.”

[cut]

Laziness is what makes him angry: “Laziness in myself. Laziness in other people. And dishonesty. All things I feel capable of myself. I have a propensity to be lazy and lie about it. Fear makes me rageful. There are words in The Crucible I actually find it quite hard to say.” I beg for an example — The Crucible is in the public domain. “No,” he says, “you’ll see it in the play.” I tell him it will make no sense in print if he will not tell me. But he won’t. So I change the subject. It works. “OK, I will give you a line.” He inflates a little and says: “Is there no good penitence but it be public?” And then: “Were I stone I would have cracked for shame this seven month.” (source)

Q: How would you describe your evolution as an actor since you started?

A: I think everything has to do with the fact that today I’m not afraid anymore. At first, I was embarrassed to do something wrong or do things badly or make myself ridiculous. Today, I am almost looking for opportunities to be ridiculous or vulnerable or to make as much of a mistake as possible. In a sense, it’s now the opposite of being undercover.

Q: Are you the actor you dreamed of being when you started?

A: Not yet. I am not yet fearless enough. It’s in waves, actually. But I have already approached this dream. There were moments, especially during Arthur Miller’s The Crucible, which I performed on stage, where I felt I had no control over things. That’s what I’m looking for: to lose control.

Q: You often play bad guys. What do you like in these characters?

A: I like disobedience. I like the fact that you can be disobedient thanks to your creativity. As a person, I must always be polite in life, be careful and correct so as not to hurt anyone. In a fantasy world, I can be as offensive as I want. It’s an outlet. (Laughter)

[cut]

Q: Many actors are moving to directing. Is this also your goal?

A: I would like to, but I do not think I’m smart enough. I am good when it comes to working with another’s vision. I do not think I have that creative spontaneity that creates a vision from scratch. But the future will tell. (source)

I applaud Richard for being so open and direct about his fears and insecurities. It takes a lot of bravery to do so. And while I've seen some fans get annoyed with his continual self-deprecation, I think his honesty and openness is much more significant, and shows his inner strength. He doesn't try to pretend to be someone he's not.

He recently described himself as “patient, obsessive, and silly” (source). The patient part is classic Virgo, and the obsessive part comes from an element of his natal chart that I have not mentioned.

The silly part, however, is classic Leo. Like I said above, he has an almost equal amount of Leo and Virgo in his personality. Personally, I'm proud to be a Leo, but I also know we get misunderstood a lot of the time. I wrote the following for an essay of mine on Leos in Disney:

Your sun sign represents your core identity. Just like the physical sun is the center of the solar system and its energy creates life, the astrological sun is our consciousness and life force. Each of the twelve sun signs are ruled by a different planet and element.

Since Leo is the fixed fire sign, we don't inherit the reckless and impulsive nature of fire, but instead are a steady flame. No sign is more reckless and impulsive than Aries, because they have the double combination of being a cardinal sign and a fire sign. Meanwhile, all four of the fixed signs struggle with stubbornness and admitting when their wrong.

Leo's are well known to be natural leaders and the rulers of the zodiac. We are ruled by the sun and our animal is the lion. We dream big and are born with big personalities, and we can't help but be theatrical and dramatic. This means we are always self-centered in the sense of being strong-willed and having a strong sense of self. It does not mean all Leos are egotistical.

Unhealthy Leo traits all revolve around the ego: attention-seeking, egotistical, selfish, bossy, controlling, pushy, jealous, possessive, lazy, vain, arrogant, aggressive, and obstinate.

Healthy Leos, however, are known for our fire-based traits – being animated, theatrical, happy, outgoing, independent, competitive, charismatic, creative, open-minded, open-hearted, confident, assertive, playful, warm, social, courageous, idealistic, affectionate, romantic, optimistic, and adventurous.

What isn't often talked about is our steadiness, our fixed-based traits. Leos are authentic, steadfast, fiercely loyal and protective, consistent, persistent, full-hearted, dedicated, need to do their best, generous and selfless, honorable and moral, genuine and direct, extremely supportive, hard-working and responsible, dignified, strong-willed, and ambitious and determined.

Something that is often mentioned but highly misunderstood is our trait of courage. Having courage doesn't mean you're fearless or reckless. The definition of courage is “the power or quality of dealing with or facing danger, fear, pain, etc.” It means that instead of running away from our problems or denying our emotions; healthy Leos face them and be genuine and direct with ourselves, embracing our vulnerability.

Having a big personality doesn't necessarily mean someone has a big ego. C.S. Lewis once said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.” Leos have huge hearts and are incredibly generous. The sun never goes retrograde, always shines, and gives life and energy to all living beings – it isn't selective or discriminatory. Healthy Leos are like mini suns; which is why we are also irrepressibly upbeat, optimistic, and fun-loving.

We're not pushovers. We are like roses – we have both flower petals and thorns. If you mess with someone we love you're going down. We're too loyal and protective to let major things slide; and even if we forgive, we never forget. Little things? We'll try to work them out with you.

Being naturally strong-willed and assertive is healthy – it just means we usually make horrible subordinates and yes people. There's nothing wrong with having high standards and being open about them. In fact, in relationships it's far better in the long run to open and frank about what you need and what you consider a dealbreaker from the beginning.

And oh yes are we ambitious and competitive – but most often with ourselves. We're natural leaders who always dream and think big. For a healthy Leo it's not about being the best, but doing your best. We have to be grand and intense, we're ruled by the sun. It's all or nothing for us. Settling is not something a Leo does. We need to be the best leader, the best friend, the best partner, etc. that we possibly can.

Also, in astrology each sign rules a different body part, and Leo rules the heart and upper back.

Adding to this, Leos are known as the Kings/Queens of the zodiac not because we're egotistical, but because our sun sign is the sun. It's like a double amount sun. I could go into significantly more detail about this, but it involves a lot of technical astrological details; so if anyone wants to know more just message me!

Going back to Richard, having his core self (sun) and love/beauty (venus) in Leo explains why he is an actor and artist; and why he is often warm, silly, and dramatic when he feels comfortable – his long interview with The Anglophile Channel (and it's deleted scenes) does a great job of showing the synergy between his Leo and Virgo sides.

We see Richard express the heartfelt, generous, sincere, and honorable side of Leo all the time. This is why I'm sure he has the inner-confidence and strength hidden within him to overcome the deep pain his Chiron causes him (like it does to us all). I hope he continues to find projects and people that help him on his journey to heal.

Thank you for reading this, I'm wishing him and you all the best. Take care!

#Richard #Richard Armitage #Astrology #Mine

[pastelideas]

A Big Thank You and Happy New Year

It’s that time of year where I look back at all that was accomplished and all that I hope to accomplish. And it’s around this time of year I like to look back on my personal growth as an artist and this blog.

In 2017 I made a New Years resolution to start an art blog and begin posting my art online. I did this as a way to encourage myself to spend more time working on digital art as I was struggling with switching from traditional art to digital.

Now, 5 years later, I’ve done much more then just improve my digital art skills. This blog as 640 followers,I have social media accounts on Twitter and Instagram, I’ve opened a store, and have a wonderful community who has been continuously supporting my work through commissions.

And, as this blog hit’s its 5 year anniversary, I want to share with all of you a little bit about this 5 year journey because I don’t think I’ve ever expresses how blown away I am by everyone’s willingness to support my work. This is going to be a bit long, but something I’d like to share. So I’ll take a page out of reddit’s book- TLDR: I’ve always doubted what I could accomplish with my art but all of you have continuously proved me wrong in the best ways. I’m blown away and humbled by this support. I hope you have a good New Year and 2022 is a win for everyone.

I want to start with my first unexpected accomplishment with my blog; my first commission. At the end of 2017, I got my first commission. I was in disbelief when I got a message about it. The idea that someone wanted to spend their hard earned money on my art was insane and I stressed so hard about it. Full blown imposter syndrome, I was convinced I fooled them into thinking I was a good artist and whatever I delivered to them was going to be a disappointment. But I powered through and they loved it and I kept going. Then more people stared coming to me and I was convinced I fooled them! But I kept going. And then when I had so many people asking, I knew I had to start a wait list, it was unavoidable. I did not think people would be willing to wait weeks on end for a commissioned piece by me. 

I was wrong, they didn’t mind the wait at all. Many even expressed positivity to hearing I’d been getting more work. I was shocked.

And this game of doubt and surprise has not stopped over these 5 years. Just a couple months ago I had to raise the prices of my commissions. I stressed really hard about it. I didn’t want to disappoint people, over price something they didn’t love, give a product they didn’t think was worth the cost, and so on. I thought so hard about making an entire post about why I was raising the prices. My justification why I couldn’t work at the old prices anymore so people would understand this wasn’t an flippant decision. Ultimately, I decided not to. I figured I’d raise them and if no one commissioned me anymore, then I’d just keep drawing for me. And, again, I was wrong. People who have commissioned me in the past have been coming to me, no complaints about the new prices. New people have been coming to me, not a word about my rates. And it was so overwhelming and relieving at the same time. I can not stress this enough, I never thought anyone would love my art beyond my love for it (which changes by the day). My art and I have always had a love hate relationship but it’s because of all of you that I’m pushing myself to improve and exploring boundaries I never thought possible. The improvements I’ve seen over the years is because I’ve had an audiences that had giving it so much love and inspired me to keep creating. Guys, I read all your comments, all the tags. If you’re continuously interacting with my post, I know who you are! I recolonize your icons. I track the notes and hear the feedback and I can’t thank you enough. I don’t know what 2022 has in store for my art or this blog, but I want to express how much it means to me the love it has received this far. I’m just some person sitting in her room drawing and to know there are so many people out there enjoying what I do makes me enjoy what I do so much more. Thank you all so much, I hope you all have a wonderful 2022!

#perosnal #this tag got banned on ios #so #sorry to the ios fam #I just don't want people who blocked this sappy tag to have to see it #rip ios fam you will me missed

[teamfreewill2pointo]

Sam’s Emotional Arc 1/3

I hated the finale immediately, but I’ve spent some time with it and talked to friends who loved it. I can see now what it was about, and I’ve come to appreciate the story they were trying to tell, even if I think it didn’t land right.

I’ve been told that my meta on this has helped other people come to terms with the finale, so I thought I’d compile it in one place from across various discord channels and twitter posts. If you are struggling with the finale, I hope it helps you.

Part of this actually started with a shit post. I was making a joke about Sam being psychic since he was scared of clowns when Dean died by one. I realized that may have been deliberate. I dug into the story more and now I’m convinced it was. Then I came across some excellent meta that fit with the themes I was finding and opened up the series even more for me.

Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.

Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it. First, Sam’s journey. 

Clowns pop up in s15 before the barn scene. In 15.01, which was written by Dabb, Sam is injured by a clown. Castiel is able to save Sam and heal his injury. The clown keeps coming after Sam, with Sam having fight scenes with the clown, while others attack the other ghosts. The clown is kicking the shit out of Sam again, and Castiel saves him once more. Sam is unable to fight off the clown on his own both times.

They run until they are able to escape outside a magical barrier. Sam turns to the clown and says, “shut up”. 

This is literally Sam running from his fears. On top of that, this isn’t just any clown, but the ghost of John Wayne Gacy, from an episode also written by Dabb.

Dean: A serial killer clown. I mean, this is, like, the best/worst thing that’s ever happened to you, you know, ‘cause you love serial killers, but – but you hate clowns.

Sam gets nervous and struggles with the lighter before he’s able to get rid of the clown, for now.

I believe this is a metaphor for hunting in general: it’s both the best of Sam’s life and also the worst. The clowns symbolize his relationship with Dean.

Plucky Pennywhistle's Magical Menagerie was co-written by Dabb (see the pattern?). Sam’s fear of clowns was known since season 2. In season 7, Dabb explored where this fear came from.

On the surface, Sam’s fear is just because he found them creepy, but the episode explains that they actually come from Sam’s fear of being left behind by Dean.

This episode comes directly after an episode where Sam worried that Dean would get himself killed

Sam: Look... Dean, the thing is, tonight... It almost got you killed. Now, I don't care how you deal. I really, really don't. But just don't – don't get killed. Dean: I'll do what I can. Sam: Well, what's that supposed to mean? Dean: It means I'll do what I can. All right? You can shut up about it.

Sam is dealing with Hallucifer at this moment, but Hallucifer doesn’t really scare him. Losing Dean does.

Sam has a conversation with an employee about greatest fears.

Recognize the actress? She came back for s15 in 15.06. I don’t believe this was a coincidence. 15.06 featured Castiel helping a parent find their lost child in a season that features Castiel worried about losing Jack. Through his experience with her, Castiel confronts his fears and doubts and then returns to join in the fight against God. [I’ll touch on Castiel’s journey more in his chapter]

Sam’s greatest fear is losing Dean. There’s a lot in the series about how Sam felt lonely and abandoned for much of his childhood. A whole episode, Just My Imagination, centers around this. Sam hated when Dean went off on hunts without him.

source In The Chitters, Sam tells Dean how his fear of losing his family paralyzed him as child. It’s a story where an older brother dies and the younger brother never recovers from it until he’s able to lay him to rest (sound familiar???)

Sam: You know, whenever you and Dad used to leave me to go hunting, and I-and I wouldn’t hear from y’all for a while, I, um, I was always sure that some vamp or rugaru, or take your pick, I always figured one of them finally got ya. I tried to think what to do, you know, the next step to take. I was just lost. Dean: We came back, though, every time.

You might naturally think, “Wait a minute! Sam left Dean multiple times!” Honestly, this was something I had a huge issue with when watching through the show the first time. I didn’t understand Sam and hated him leaving Dean in s8. I was completely on Dean’s side at first. But, on multiple rewatches and talking to others, I’ve realized that when Sam left Dean, he was running from his fear. In this TV Guide interview, Jared perfectly sums up why Sam left in season 1; he couldn’t stand to see his family die. Dabb wrote Dark Side of the Moon along with a comic that explains why Sam left in detail. While the comic isn’t official canon, it shows Dabb’s thought process. In it, Sam sees his family as running towards a horrible end and can’t handle dealing with that.

Dean: So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna live some normal, apple pie life? Is that it? Sam: No. Not normal. Safe.

There are many more points in the series where we learn about Sam’s fear of Dean dying. This would be 3948573945 pages long if I wrote them all out, so I’m going to focus on the key moments that loop back to this ending, but there’s so much more there.

If you are struggling with this and need more, please let me know and I can do a deeper dive into that subject. We first see Sam’s inability to let Dean go in season 1 when Sam refuses to let Dean die in Faith.

Dean: You're not gonna let me die in peace, are you? Sam: I'm not gonna let you die, period. We're going.

Sam’s whole arc in s3 is him being unable to handle Dean dying. He wants to save Dean, but Dean won’t let himself be saved. This was what Gabriel was trying to teach him in Mystery Spot.

Trickster: This obsession to save Dean? The way you two keep sacrificing yourselves for each other? Nothing good comes out of it. Just blood and pain. Dean's your weakness. And the bad guys know it, too. It's gonna be the death of you, Sam. Sometimes you just gotta let people go.

This is how Ruby gets under Sam’s skin and what gets him to start working with her. Everything Sam did was to save Dean. In s4, Sam’s arc is about him sacrificing himself in order to save Dean. He’s gutted from being unable to save Dean. In 4.12, Sam decides to drink demon blood in order to save Dean

Dean: [says that they will die early] Sam: Maybe we'll be different, Dean. Dean: What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man? Sammy, it ends bloody or sad. That's just the life. Sam: What if we could win?Dean: "Win"?Sam: If there was a way we could just...put an end to all of it.

When Sam breaks out of the panic room, he’s suicidal. He’s determined to save Dean with his life as the cost he’s willing to pay. He didn’t think he would survive killing Lilith. He was committing suicide in that moment. The reason why Sam is so willing to sacrifice himself in s5 is because he has low self esteem. He blames himself for everything that goes wrong. In Sam, Interrupted 5.11, also by Dabb, Sam has a breakdown under the weight of his guilt. He hates himself and he feels his rage is out of control. In season 6, we see soulless Sam and, unlike souled Sam, he has no rage. Yes, he’ll kill when necessary, but he’s not angry. It was Sam’s fear driving his rage. He felt out of control of his life and let it lead him down a dark path. In season 7, he sees Dean heading down a dark path and he feels helpless to stop it. He worries about dragging Dean down and tells Dean to let him go. But, at the same time, he’s developing coping techniques. He’s starting to face his fears. 

And then Dean disappears and Sam completely falls apart. Sam didn’t have a healthy relationship with Amelia. They were two broken people clinging to each other. Sam and Dean struggle to reconnect after their time apart. There’s a lot of text addressing the horror of a partner dying and people trying to escape from it.

Mrs Holmes: He could see the end of my days were at hand, and... He had lived centuries all alone, but I don't think he could bear the thought of life without me. That's why he drove off that bridge. You must think I'm a monster.

In Hunteri Heroica written by GUESS WHO!?!? Sam finally acknowledges that he was living in a dream world with Amelia. He was running from his past. We see a flash back with Sam pressing on his scar, which he did to help himself distinguish fantasy from reality.

The episode is about a man refusing to engage in reality and harming those around him. Sam has a big confrontation with him

Sam: Look, it can be nice living in a dream world. It can be great. I know that. And you can hide, and you can pretend... all the crap out there doesn't exist, but you can't do it forever because... eventually, whatever it is you're running from – it'll find you. [CASTIEL appears to be taking Sam’s words to heart.] It'll come along, and it'll punch you in the gut. And then... then you got to wake up, because if you don't, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you! It'll destroy everything!

Likewise, when Sam was with Jessica, he wasn’t honest about himself. He was hiding from his family and his past. Running to avoid pain. Sam is avoidant in general. Not just in his relationship with Dean. When he talks with Rowena in 13.12 Various & Sundry Villains about his fears of Lucifer, he admits that he could talk about it with Dean, but he can’t bring himself to.

Sam: I’ve seen it too. What he really looks like behind – behind whatever vessel. It… Yeah, still keeps me up at night. Rowena: How do you deal with it? Sam: I guess I don’t deal with it. Not really. I mean, I pushed it down and, um, the world kept almost ending, so I keep pushing it down, and I don’t know. [stammering] I really don’t talk about it, not even with Dean. I mean, I could. You know, he’d listen, but… That’s not something I really know how to share.

In 15.20, Sam’s past is front and center. Literally. I know a lot of people found the Winchester family portrait odd and upsetting, but it symbolizes something I’ll get to in a bit. Instead of trying to avoid his grief, Sam has moments where he lets it wash over him. He goes and sits in the car. He’s no longer avoidant. He’s no longer running away. He’s letting his grief move through him. He’s literally sitting with it.

Soulless Puppy pointed out that the characters emotional arcs is similar to DBT. Please look through their awesome meta here.

Personally, I see them as similar to the therapy I do called ACT. Both are forms of therapy where instead of fighting against them, you accept painful emotions and allow yourself to feel them. If you don’t do that work, then you can’t stop feeling them and your fears/ghosts will always haunt you.  In Swan Song, Chuck tells us that “Dean didn't want Cas to save him. Every part of him, every fiber he's got, wants to die, or find a way to bring Sam back. But he isn't gonna do either. Because he made a promise.”  In 15.20, Sam initially didn’t want to let Dean go. He’s been refusing to do this since season 1. When he’s separated from Dean he lives a fake life or destroys himself/the world trying to get Dean back. There’s a moment in 15.20 where Sam looks at Dean’s guns. He wants to commit suicide, but he makes the choice to live. For the time in Sam’s life, he let Dean go and lived with his pain. He no longer ran from it. After Swan Song, Dean was unable to let Sam go. He wanted him back. After Carry On, Sam is able to do what Dean couldn’t do. He lives a life outside of Dean. What’s more, Sam has reconciled himself with his past and his family. It’s clumsy and I wish it were better shown, but having the family portrait and their parents in heaven isn’t meant to excuse the way Sam and Dean were raised. In order to move past the trauma of his relationship with his parents, Sam fully integrates them into his life. In Lebanon, Sam was able to confront and forgive his father. In doing so, he can also forgive himself. Mary asks for forgiveness too, and he grants it to her. He doesn’t forget what happened, but he’s able to move forward and leave the intergenerational cycle of violence. He’s able to raise his son, Dean, the way his brother should have been raised.

Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.

Cas said it. Dean accepted it. Sam lived it.

I can see why people see Sam’s life after Dean as unhappy. I hated it so much because I saw it as horrible and sad the first time through. I had to sit with myself and my emotions first. I think it’s because we’ve been told by society that we have to get rid of our grief in order to be happy. The finale was showing us that it’s possible to do the opposite. [Personally I think it would’ve been better had they showed more overtly happy memories, but many of my friends saw this straight away] When I began therapy, one of the first things I learned was that there aren’t “negative” emotions. When working with our kids, we call them Big emotions. In DBT/ACT, all emotions are treated as normal and natural. Grief, anger, sadness, etc, these are all normal parts of the human existence. We don’t need to run from them in order to have happiness. We can live with them. As interstitial said in our chats, “you can't change the past, you can only change your relationship to it. To accept that your past contained both love and heartache, to miss it, but also know you can do better; that's actual recovery, as good as it gets.” As Soulless-Puppy explained to me, Sam lived in duality. Dean was dead, but Sam lived. Sam was happy, but he grieved. Dean was with him in the watch and the car and his son, but Dean also waited for him in heaven. I hated the finale the first time I saw it, then next watched it with my boyfriend who loved it. As we were watching together and discussing it, I realized that Dean’s death scene wasn’t just about him, but about the show itself. 

Dean promising Sam that he will be with Sam in Sam’s heart is also the show promising us that they will never leave it. That’s why Alex kept posting “The end has no end.” Just as Sam carried Dean with him in his heart, we will carry the show with us. I hope this helps. It’s a terrible thing to feel upset about an ending and thinking of the show this way, recognizing these patterns, is bringing me peace. I still have issues with how it was written, but now that I see what they were doing, I wish all the more that they had the chance to do it right. Please share your thoughts and experiences. I love hearing different opinions. Next up, Dean. Then Castiel.

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