#you really did have all the evidence that i value good faith and take stuff like this as learning experiences and tools.

[eccentricwearsgoggles]

about to open up about some personal stuff briefly. the purpose of doing so, is so that others who feel similarly have a positive reminder or just like, idk not feel alone about it. but I guess it's also cuz I don't always talk about it, but it's on my mind at times.

anyway. Growing up into my teens and even after, I had low self esteem and thus, didn't think I'd ever have like...any kind of steady relationship that would build up into marriage and it gave me a lot of bad and negative emotions. (Which, idk I'm pretty sure my parental issues were super evident, especially once I really figured things out later.) Thoughts like, "I'm never enough. No one's going to love me like the way I'd love them. I'm no good, I don't deserve it. What's wrong with me?"

Those are all some pretty self-deprecating thoughts. Especially when you look around and feel like everyone's got it figured out more than you do- which to say, might not always be the case as much as you think it is. Which, sometimes can be hard for me a lot of my acquaintances and friends, either younger or older are in serious relationships or married.

That's some of the difficult stuff, because you're wondering why you don't have that. I've mostly kind of come to terms with being single currently, it's not what I envisioned for my age. But like, there's probably reasons why it's this way, and not necessarily for negative reasons. I now understand there's nothing wrong with me, I choose to remain this way. Maybe we don't always feel like we choose that. But frankly I'm not settling for anyone who doesn't take me seriously or share important values/goals as I do.

There's underlying reasons as to why I wanted companionship while I was depressed. A lot. self worth and esteem issues, problems with home life, work, and perspective on life and circumstances. The main thing I was missing was the foundation I've found through my faith, as well as having the help to understand /why/ I was feeling how I did. I've needed true friendship in my life. I've started really building on that in the last couple of years and it's helped me a lot.

NGL I doubt it's going to go away entirely, cuz it's natural. I still would like to marry, but I'm a lot more accepting of the fact if it doesn't happen. But now that things are more stable in my life, and I've got a clearer head... I do want that. And that's okay. But doesn't mean there's something wrong with me if it doesn't happen. We just have expectations because of perspective and when we look at what others have or don't have. Everyone reaches goals or attain things at different paces, and when you do, hopefully you're able to look back and appreciate the growth you've made.

so like, hope you find strength and support in your family and friends that you have.

#idk what this all is #but im a happier person even tho there are things i havent experienced yet #im hoping to keep on that track #especially cuz life always does the unexpected and you are likely not prepared for change lol #but yeah idk like i said it's just personal experience thoughts and feels #just thought id share you dont gotta read 😂 #we're such social creatures we just wanna be around people we love and dont exhaust us #glad im single tho. i tend to overthink all my interactions or conversations when im first getting to know someone #and as much as that's cool to have #im like really happy to not have to worry and get butterflies about someone LOLLL ok well this statement is partially true

[pub-lius]

ACTUALLY Hardcore Facts About Alexander Hamilton

Alright, take two.

I've already typed this entire thing out once, so this is likely going to be a lot more lazy than anything else I will ever post, so :).

Sources: Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow; John Laurens and the American Revolution by Gregory D. Massy; The Federalist by Alexander Hamilton; George Washington's Indispensible Men by Authur S. Lefkowitz; Lafayette by Harlow Giles Unger; Who Was Alexander Hamilton? by Pam Pollack and Meg Belviso

Hamilton wished for a war when he was like a baby. So if you know Hamilton, you know that one line where Hamilton says "As a kid of the Carribean, I wished for a war, I knew that I was poor, I knew it was the only way to rISE UP-" in Right Hand Man. Well, that line is based off of a letter Hamilton sent to his childhood bestie, Edward Stevens: "...Ned, my ambition is [so] prevalent that I... would willingly risk my life, tho' not my character, to exalt my station... I'm no philosopher, you see, and may be jus[t]ly said to build castles in the air... I shall conclude by saying I wish there was a war. Alex. Hamilton." Okay, dude, calm down, you're like two years old. I think he was actually like 14-16, but for dramatic purposes we'll say he was an actual infant (do I sound like Chernow?). But I hate how much this letter foreshadows. It's like he jinxed himself, its almost embarrassing.

Hamilton ran a business at 14. Now if you've ever been fourteen and you were like "i think i feel like running a business" literally shut up no one asked. I think this is impressive. When Hamilton was at least 14, the guys the owned Beekman and Cruger (it had a different name by this time but this one sounds cooler) just dipped and left Hamilton in charge. This was actually a pretty good decision, since Hamilton managed it well. There was also this one time where Hamilton told a whole captain of a ship who didn't perform up to standard, "Reflect continually on the unfortunate voyage you have just made and endeavor to make up for the considerable loss therefrom accruing to your owners." This man was so arrogant I wish I had his confidence. Yeah that was cool ig, but if I met teenage-Hamilton, I'd literally hate him.

Hamilton saved the president of his college. Ever the dramatic, Hamilton had a thing for suppressing mobs (though he was pretty much never successful). There was this one time at King's College where a mob formed to "talk" with the president of the university, Dr. Myles Cooper (by "talk" i mean make him into a tory bird). And, according to Who Was Alexander Hamilton? (this book gives me so much joy), "Alexander vowed to protect him [aww]... He stood up to the crowd, telling them that violence would only hurt their cause. He couldn't stop the crowd, but he delayed them long enough for Dr. Myles Cooper to escape in his nightgown," (Pollack and Belviso 27-29). This is a really sweet description of it, but Hamilton was probably calling the mob a bunch of insults and stuff, judging by how he later handled riots. Also, Cooper thought Hamilton was rallying the mob, so he was a complete jerk to Hamilton, but rightfully. Everyone, bully Hamilton. He's short and dead like an idiot.

Hamilton was really cool on the battlefield, don't @ me. Now, despite being a clumsy little gremlin and an absolute dork, Hamilton was a pretty good leader, and I guess veterans deserve to be recognized for their victories or whatever. At the battle of Princeton, one of my favorites, Hamilton had very big, cool guns, and did some cool stuff. "Returning to the final phase of the battle of Princeton, British infantry took refuge inside Nassau Hall, the building that housed the College of New Jersey. American artillery commanded by Capt. Alexander Hamilton [ya boy] was brought to bear on the college building... Washington was on the scene and noticed this young artillery officer who skillfully commanded his gun battery. The general would soon invite Hamilton to become one of his aides-de-camp," (Lefkowitz 92). Wow so cool moving on to Yorktown.

When the Americans were building their fortifications, two British fortifications were in the way. So rude. Consequently, Washington sent The Gay Trio, Lafayette, Laurens, and Hamilton, to uh, silence them. Hamilton pulled off a successful sneak attack, and won the battle swiftly, leading to the American victory in the battle of Yorktown, and therefore the war. "...Colonel Hamilton['s] well known talents and gallantry were on this occasion most conspicuous and serviceable. Our obligations to him, to Colonel Gimat [stan], to Colonel Laurens, and to each and all the officers are above expression..." -Major General Marquis de Lafayette. Lafayette is so nice I would marry him if he was alive and single and legal and not old as hell. Like omg he gave credit to everyone but himself that's so nice I'm such a simp for Lafayette. Anyway, Hamilton was cool too ig.

Hamilton caused the evacuation of Philadelphia like an iDIOT. So, after Brandywine (British victory), Washington sent Hamilton on a foraging mission in Vally Forge to get flour, horseshoes, and tomahawks (not quite as exciting as Yorktown). Well, our clumsy ginger rat got caught, and wrote to the president of Congress, John Hancock, "If Congress have not yet left Philadelphia, they ought to do it immediately without fail, for the enemy have the means of throwing a party [party rockers in the house tonight] this night into the city. I have just now crossed the valley-ford [Valley Forge], in doing which a party of the enemy came down & fired upon us."

Surprise, this turned out not to be the entire goddamn British army, it was just a few scouts sooo... let's just say Philadelphia wasn't happy. "Our Removal from Philad. Was owning to information that General Howe was crossing Schuylkill [River]... However tho' this Intelligence was from one of the General's family (Alexander Hamilton) it was not well founded & we wish we had not left Philad.," -James Duane. Yeeeaaahhh, that's awkward. Not the best way to get your name known in the capital, I must say.

Hamilton was possibly bisexual, and this is hardcore because I say so. Now, I'll add more quotes to this later, but basically heres my interpretation of the historical evidence and whatnot. Basically, Hamilton was a really closed off, cynical guy, since like everyone he ever loved died or left him pretty much, and he wasn't really the type to make and keep close friends; "...how little dependence is to be placed on treaties, which have no other sanction than the obligations of good faith, and which oppose general considerations of peace and justice to the impulse of any immediate interest or passion," (Federalist 64); It is a known fact in human nature, that its affections are commonly weak in proportion to the distance or diffusiveness of the object," (Federalist 73). Um, Mr. Hamilton? You're projecting your trauma on the government again.

Also, despite working with him for like twenty years, Hamilton really never got close to Washington, like at all. He even said to Laurens, "I have no friendship for him and have professed none," in regards to Washington, which is kind of mean. But he ALSO told Laurens:

"Cold in my professions, warm in my friendships, I wish, my dear Laurens, it m[ight] be in my power by action rather than words [to] convince you that I love you. I shall only tell you that till you bade us adieu, I hardly knew the value you had taught my heart to set upon you. Indeed, my friend, it was not well done. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments and to keep my happiness independent of the caprice of others. You s[hould] not have taken advantage of my sensibility to ste[al] into my affections without my consent."

*mocking Hamilton* its YOUR fault that i love you and it was RUDE that you FORCED me to love you how DARE you you SUCK i love you uwu.

Also, at the top of that letter, someone mysterious (probably Hamilton's son) wrote, "I must not publish the whole of this," and Massey still thinks Hamilton was straight.

But yeah, that's about it. I had originally written more at the beginning, but I unfortunately lost the original draft, so I'll just settle for this. I hope you enjoyed, though, and maybe learned something or found a quote you needed or something. I did more research than I wanted to in one sitting for this, so appreciate it or I'll cry. Thanks love you <3

#alexander hamilton #hamilton #hamilton the musical #hamilton the movie #lin manuel miranda #ron chernow #aaron burr #weird history #george washington #amrev #amrev history #american history #american colonies #american revolution #the american revolution #the american war of independence #colonial america #stupid clumsy ginger gremlin #dorkface loser baby man #stupid litte idiot i hate him #he had his moments tho #this post hurt me financially #need a national bank now ig :/

[hologramcowboy]

I'm really happy you mentioned Elta portraying herself as religious, because most of the fandom don't remember that she claimed to be very religious and they don't remember the cheating. Jensen's family especially his dad is always the villain around certain parts of the fandom because of his religion, but they don't remember that Elta and Jensen claimed to be religious too. Both changed their image so much, and I think she dragged Jensen down to her level. Not saying he himself is innocent.

I noticed people love vilifying Jensen's parents over religion based on unfounded rumors. What's up with that? The Ackles are good-natured, classy people so why on earth do people imagine they would ever limit their son in any way? Not all religious people are extreme or judgemental and there is no evidence the Ackles ever limited their son. There's one real bad influence around Jensen and we all know who that is, there's a track-record of evidence to prove it so why do people end up shifting that blame on Jensen's parents? None one is innocent, as human beings we are complex but there's a disparaging difference between reality and certain projected images. Especially when it comes to Jensen and Danneel, who like to promote themselves as an epic love story, have zero chemistry and a connection born out of cheating on both their faithful partners while proclaiming values and religion. Elta used to promote herself even in the papers as a religious girl (The Eunice News had a couple of blurbs), especially around the time she was leeching off of, I mean dating her fiancee Riley. Riley clearly bought into her religious persona and later lived to regret it and so did his mom who began and supported Elta's career. Elta and Riley living together and set to marry, one day she just dropped him (because she had been cheating on him with Jensen), he returned home to find her stuff was gone. To me that story tells so much about Danneel and her facade.

I just wonder how long it will take for Jensen to wake up to her real nature, he's either completely blind or complicit because he's been 'married' to her for quite some time now. I'm just sorry her trashy brand his affecting his own brand, she's dragging him down to her level so I wish he had someone in his life who elevated and inspired him, you know, true love. (that's what I dream for him) His marriage to Elta is a joke and has been perceived so since the beginning and she knows it, that's why she gets so mad when people speculate because she knows all those points just reinforce the weak profile of her 'marriage'. lol

#anti danneel #anti elta #anti elta graul #anti danneel ackles

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

Life was good to me. America was one of the friendliest countries I've ever been to.

But then college was like, you know, it taught Critical Theory, it taught Critical Race Theory when it came to like, sociology and stuff like that. It was dark.

The trouble is when you learn from that lens, and that's really kind of what some classes took - it wasn't like, oh “this is a theory” or “this is a school of thought.” It was this is how you have to look at life, these are the tools and that's it, this is actually what reality is.

I had that framework kind of begin to get embedded in me but - pay attention to the feeling - I didn't feel good about it.

I remember the one day, it was raining outside, it was almost Halloween, I think it was 2014, and we were learning about symbolism [..] and it just felt dark. I literally felt like my heart was opening and darkness was coming inside. From that moment, it was dark.

As I adopted that lens through college, my outlook of the world was dark and hopeless. Little did I know my outlook of the world would then come back to affect my look and the way I saw myself, who I was, the value that I brought, how people saw me, all just deteriorated, because it was like I had to take all these factors into consideration.

I came out of college with that worldview. I came out of college thinking, as a black woman, opportunities for me are so much less likely to happen or be given because of my blackness. That I was very much so hyper-aware of microaggressions.

I was very aware of just the way the world is, the way you're taught that the world is. So it's like everything's working against you. Literally, you walk out of the door and everyone is conspiring against you. So whereas from the beginning, I would just kind of walk down the street and say hi to people, if they didn't say hi back I was like whatever. It was like every look that I got was it was racist. It was just racist. And it was also racist-sexist, it was more than just one thing. It was everything you are is everything someone else hates.

Like literally, walk down to the store and I'll not pay attention to all the people who walked by me and who were just normal. I would walk by, say, 10 people, and if one person gave me a bad look, or you know they didn't move out of the way, like they're walking and then, you know, it's oh what do you do and they just keep going... I interpreted that as it's an act it's a microaggression. Like, that is an act of racism.

So, regardless of all the other interactions that was fine, that one thing would ruin my day. I remember I felt like I would have a dagger in my heart. But it wasn't just that, see that's just going to the store.

Now you have to go through the whole day, and if you ever get anything of someone treating you like crap, or if you ever get someone who like, opens the door right, for maybe their family and then like, you're far away off and they don't open the door for you... actions like that I would interpret all of that as microaggressions against me.

So that would make me so fragile that by the end of the day, I'm literally, I'm filled with so much darkness, I'm filled with so much anxiety, I'm filled with so much stress, that I can't even do my normal work.

I can't live my life like that right. I can't live and actually work and give a hundred percent of the task because I'm kind of under stress and duress. So yeah, that's what life was like, honestly that's what life was like when you are hyper-aware of all these kind of Critical Theory notions and ideas, especially the neo-Marxism stuff.

[..]

Wokeness was literally crippling me. Literally crippling me.

==

For reference, the above mentality is called “Critical Consciousness,” and it’s an explicit goal of Critical Theory. The intent is what you could think of as “seeing the code of the Matrix”; finding and identifying the carefully hidden power dynamics CRT mythology declares - on faith, not evidence, naturally - exist within every human interaction, and are the “normal science” upon which reality itself is socially constructed.

It looks a lot like neurosis and paranoia.

This is why Woke and the doctrines of Critical Theory, particularly Critical Race Theory, are sometimes called Reverse Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. All the worst unhealthy thinking styles - catastrophizing, mind reading, disqualifying the positive, emotional reasoning, over-generalizing - that CBT helps you overcome are all not just present, but encouraged, in the pursuit of Critical Consciousness. Download the card and tick them off as you watch the video, because they’re identifiable in Kimi’s description of her day under the cloud of Woke ideology and dogma.

Critical Race Theory isn’t just profoundly racist, it’s extremely bad for mental health.

#Kimi Katiti #critical theory #critical race theory #neo marxism #neoracism #microaggressions #religion #wokeness as religion #cult of woke #woke activism #wokeism #woke #mental health #mental health issues #religion is a mental illness #woke fragility

[ashandboneca]

Racism, abuse, and why I don’t consider myself a part of the ‘community’

I’d like to talk about the event that pushed me away from the idea of a pagan community, and forced me inwards to further develop my own practice - and about the events of the last few years in regards to continued abuses in the pagan community. About 6 years ago, I started to look into the Norse pantheon. I had worked with Thor in the past, and about 6 or 7 prior to that I did an experiment where I worked with the Aesir for a month. At that point in my life, I didn't connect with them. I don't know why I didn't, I partially blame the terrible book I had for guidance, and the fact that the person who initially agreed to guide me flaked out. However, this time around I endeavoured to learn as much as I could from a reputable source, because the last time I had no idea what I was doing. I approached my friend, who is a practicing forn sidr heathen, and they agreed to teach me what they knew. We spent a number of sessions discussing cosmology and theology. I felt confident going forward, armed with book recommendations and a passion to learn further. I wrote a bit about my experiences openly on my previous blog with Odinn. Interactions with him were not sought after, but something that merely happened. When gods or spirits or ancestors come calling, you answer in some way out of respect. I wrote more about my experiences, and different techniques I utilized to connect with him. None of them were specifically Heathen - but I don't soley identify as Heathen, so I figured if that was an issue, Odinn wouldn't have shown up in the first place.

Some time later, my friend had messaged me to let me know they had gotten some hate mail about me via Witchvox (which no longer exists, but used to be a connection board for finding pagans and witches in your area, as well as open groups, etc). I was initially gobsmacked. Why the hell is someone emailing her in regards to something I did? Wouldn't have been more productive to email or message me to resolve whatever issue? I found it who it was. This person was, at that time, a member of a well recognized organization locally who put on events and rituals - an organization whose first mandate is "We hold that each one of us has their own path to follow to truth and spirit." To be honest, I had never really interacted with this person beyond being paid to do so in my former job at a pagan bookshop. We attended a few of the same events, but never really interacted. There was no real beef. I wasn't particularly fond of said person, but I had no real issues with them - so this came sort of out of left field. I sat on it for a bit.  I did not reply to the sender. Instead, I decided to post the initial email on my previous blog. Inevitably, someone is going to disagree with how you practice or what you do, even if you're not doing anything wrong. The  point I think is important to underline is that you do not need to stand for other people trying to tear you down, assert some kind of moral superiority over you, or telling you how and when you should be practicing, unless your practice is appropriative - in which case you should be taking a long, hard look at yourself. As heathenry is an open tradition, I had no concerns. I also think transparency is very important, and when people behave badly they often do so to gain something from it. Whether it is attention, drama, or they feel they are in a safe space to do so due to anonymity.  So, by posting the email (albeit in edited format - I removed all identifying information about said person, because I wanted to focus on the behaviour, not the person), I felt I was addressing something that more people should have been addressing. Afterwards, my friend received a few more emails about how I was 'pissing on their ancestors' and etc. My friend told them, in no uncertain terms, that the emails were unwelcome, the issue was none of their business, and to fuck off. I also got a few emails, a few messages on Witchvox, a few comments, and a lovely comment from a sockpuppet account here on tumblr, as well as finding out my writing was posted to be mocked because I wasn't 'heathen' enough - with screenshots! I did not respond to anything, just kept record of everything in case it was needed. I disagree with the idea of bringing in some third party who is uninvolved to do one's dirty work. If someone has an issue with how someone else is practicing, they need to question whether it's something to address. Bringing in someone uninvolved is both cowardly and childish. They did not ask to be involved, and I'm not sure what involving another person serves to carry a point. Fight your own battles, or say nothing.

There were a few other instances. A series of screencaps of this person’s continued racist, sexist, and abusive behaviour was provided to a few of us. A known leader was accused of racism and verbal abuse by other members of the community with credible evidence. This leader had a pattern of setting up multiple Facebook accounts and when one was found they would set up a new one with a new name. They talked at length about their feelings on immigration, POC in the Heathen community, and interfaith. They advocated violence and celebrated terrorist acts. Some really troubling, disgusting stuff.

We did what we thought was right - we emailed the organization to tell them and offer proof via said screencaps. In the response, we were told, and I am not bullshitting, that this person was a valued member of the community, that they are 'proud' of their heritage (uh, so am I, but I don't run my mouth off about diversity being white genocide), and that we could essentially go pound sand. I quote "own personal outlook on (their) culture and (their) path. (They are) entitled to (their) own practice as much as anyone of us are, and (they) cares deeply for (their) culture.  (They) makes a significant contribution to the Pagan community with (their) efforts through (group). (They are) a hard worker and has accomplished a great many things in (their) time on the board, a commitment that is not to be taken lightly. (They) fulfill (their) duties as a board member admirably."

Do I agree with their hot take on this? No. I think if someone comes to you with an accusation of that kind of wrongdoing, you have a duty to do some manner of preliminary investigation, because if you are in a position where you are teaching people and have authority, those students need to feel safe. You need to determine if the accusations have any truth, and if they are found to be false, feel free to stand behind and assert your belief in the accused. I truly believe the harasser/abuser showed their group the email, and they spun it in some way to discredit us.

Complicity via ignorance is still complicity - it's enough to tarnish an organization's good name. In the working world, business owners have been hung out to dry because of their racist, homophobic, or sexist employee's actions. The whole Kenny Klein situation happened for years because people excused his behaviour and allowed other people to be abused.  We are all finger-wagging and clucking when people try to bring up this behaviour  - don't be starting drama, oh that's just how (name) is, oh that's just rumours. Look, everyone - assholes, creeps, criminals, and predators exist in every faith, every organization. We are so quick to sweep it under the rug, so rushed to prevent judgement, that we always forget that one important fact. While I think it's important not to jump on every bad thing you hear about people, I do think it's important to have an open and frank discussion about proper behaviour while in a position of power. Especially if proof of misdeeds are being offered.

This group, and their lack of action, stood complicit in this person's bad behaviour. If they made the choice to stand behind a racist, bigoted person who spends their time trying to harass people online (I am not the only one, I have been told - there have been multiple people, including some of their own family members), that is their choice. They have made that choice, and they have chosen to accept any repercussions going along with it. They chose to stand behind an abuser.

Sarah Lawless, back in 2018, named a number of known abusers in the wider PNW community. The flack she received for being brave to stand up and call that shit out was disgusting.

Abusers are coddled and protected in pagan communities. They are viewed as elders, as productive members of the community,  as local heroes. While I have been fortunate to encounter very little sexual harassment in the pagan community, I have suffered other abuses and harassment that has shown me that, just like the priests and cardinals in the Vatican, pagans protect and believe only those in their clique. And there are cliques in the community, have no doubt about that.

Sarah pointed out that the ideal community is a fantasy - I agree. Stories I have heard from others about their own experiences in the 'safe and welcoming' pagan community would break your heart. One person I spoke with said 'it's scary to even fathom trying to approach anyone, because it's hard to know who to trust, who might lure you in and take advantange of you'. That is a sad statement, and one I know too well. I have a tendency to keep abuse like this close to the chest because I have been burned by people in the past. There is no spiritual support for people who get abused - no chaplains, no pastoral care, no therapists.

These were people who were putting everything on the line to be heard, and the vitriol and hatred and lies I had seen made my blood boil. This is precisely why people do not come forward. They could put everything on the line - in Sarah's case, the safety of her partner at the time and children - and people will still find a way to claim the survivors are lying. Why? What do the survivors get out of lying about their abuse? What person would come forward, knowing they will be attacked, confronted, slandered, and encounter more abuse, if they weren't telling the truth? Why would any survivor put themselves through that unless there is truth? The most stalwart defenders claim 'they couldn't have done it, I've never seen them do anything to me!' Humans are complicated and complex beings, with many facets and many faces. The face you see may not be the same face others see. The John Doe you know and the John Doe I know may be the same person, but very different relationships. 

It comes down to this: You can't 'believe survivors' if you're supporting abusers.

You can't support survivors if you're sheltering abusers.

You can't help survivors if you're siding with abusers.

You can't call it a safe community if you don't protect it's members.

Standing up for myself and others lost me “friends” who ditched me about the ‘drama’, and my community.  Something needs to change. It is inevitable that change will befall the community, and those denizens had better wise up quickly. There are a lot of young, vulnerable people looking for guidance and safety, and the community better fucking step up and prove they are willing to protect their members, or they have become no better than the Christian groups who continue to enable their abuse. We need willing leaders to push forward to make the community better. We need dedicated, smart, and savvy people to navigate a new and better future for paganism, because it's got a death rattle going on and it needs the kiss of a new life.

Burn the whole of the modern pagan community down. Burn down the groups that perpetuate abuse, that enable abusers, and grow something better and safe from the ashes. Dismantle the sexist, enabling, racist, oversexed community with it's abusive elders, cleanse it with fire, and create a place where people can come together without having to fear predators.

The only I have learned from watching my and other’s experiences is that we shouldn't call out wrongdoing in the community, because I have gotten abuse hurled at me for it and I have seen others who have done the same get more and worse abuse. People get mad, they accuse those who come forward of 'causing drama' or 'rocking the boat'.

That is a terrible lesson. A witch is sovereign unto themselves.

Bitches, this boat is rocking. Grab on, or drown.

This is my own story. I have posted links for further review down below.

Further reading:

Dealing With Toxic People in the Pagan Community

Sarah Lawless’ post about her suffered abuse, via the Wayback Machine

Abuse, the Pagan Community, and Our Commitments

Abuse Within Paganism - a taboo topic?

A Crisis of Faith

Authenticity and Racism in Contempory Paganism

This is not a new issue - via livejournal, 2006

Cultural Appropriation in Neopaganism

#Ash and Bone #ashandbone.ca #witchcraft #traditional witchcraft #heathenry #The Crooked Path #tw abuse #tw racism #pagan #paganism #yes i wrote a whole damn paper

[sepublic]

...Look. If you’re legit coming to me and others looking for genuine help, then please be upfront and straightforward about it, in a way that we can work with, I’m willing to look past things and forgive, even admit fault! I wanna help, I really do, it’s just...

TW: Accusations

Don’t go into my inbox and make heavy accusations towards another blog without any context nor proof besides your own personal words, which alone I can’t take seriously; Especially if, again, you refuse to provide any sources or links to back yourself up. And don’t go making these claims with this needlessly passive-aggressive tone at me, as if it’s my personal fault for not knowing about whatever accusations you’re making, which; I’m someone with a lot of stuff in my life. My schedule has a bit going on and my interactions on the internet and varied. There’s a lot I’m not intimately aware of, such as in fandom interaction, so if there’s something I don’t seem to be aware of; Just inform me politely, there’s no need to pursue this resentful tone about it!

Don’t go dropping into my inbox, on anon no less, and make these claims; I assume you want to inform me, but given the nature of what you’re saying, I need actual, genuine proof to make my own conclusions. I’m not your personal arbiter or attack dog, where you just point me in the direction of someone and tell me to bark; I’m an actual person, and I can’t just automatically take some things at face value without being given a reason to believe them, especially if this is done with the intent of canceling someone. It’s not a good look to provide no context, links, or screenshots to back yourself up- And if you want to politely inform me, go ahead! But there’s no reason to take a condescending, guilt-tripping tone with me for not already knowing and intimately keeping track of what goes on with each person in a fandom. Why are you holding this against me?

Frankly I think it’s insulting to make these incredibly serious claims against another person towards me, as if you’re expecting me to rally everyone for you. Which, if you’re legitimately afraid of backlash, then I’m fine with anon- But again, the tone that’s being applied here, the intense nature of these accusations, and the lack of context and evidence, it all just makes the anon guise look very suspicious to me, VS if you were actually polite and forthcoming about the whole thing, instead of vaguely accusatory towards me as well by proxy, for not already knowing something that might not even be true, and/or is exaggerated/taken out of context.

You’re asking a lot of me to immediately cancel someone, to believe such drastic claims on your word alone, and I don’t appreciate that; Again, it seems like you can’t trust me to make my own conclusions and to evaluate the original context for myself, and at that point it feels like I’m being spoon fed this specific narrative and asked to accept it blindly, without question. That is an overtly personal and intimate kind of demand with the aim of devaluing someone else, potentially publicly given the nature of this ask; And I don’t think I can respond in good faith if it feels like you’re not approaching me on that same principle.

If you’re going to build a claim and a case to me, don’t expect me to go out and do all of the detective research on my own for you, because apparently you’re unwilling to provide anything for me. And if you can’t do that, then it just makes the whole thing look sus and this alone is your grounds for condemning a whole-ass person. What the hell do you want from me; Be straightforward here, and don’t be such a condescending asshole about it. If what you’re saying is true, then I’d probably give you the benefit of the doubt... But until then, I need something.

And if you didn’t mean to come across this way, then that’s okay; Just tell me! If you genuinely didn’t know any better, then that’s fine! If I actually misunderstood your tone and you meant things unironically, please inform! But I can’t condone this kind of handling of a situation that I don’t even know actually happened or not. If you want to redo this, by all means go ahead... But for now, I have nothing substantial to go off of, no leads or clues or anything, and I don’t intend to go up to some random blog and say “So this person told me you did these VERY messed-up things and I need you to confess if you did or not.” I’m not the goddamn inquisition nor FBI, and I’m not a psychic who can automatically figure everything out at once by reading your mind, and have all I need to know just from this prompt of an accusation; You need to communicate with me, here.

This doesn’t feel like a confession where you’re coming forth about something that hurt you and/or someone you knew, this feels like an accusation that’s pointing fingers and expecting others to blindly follow. Even if you do end up right, I don’t think I can be blamed for being skeptical with how all of this is being conducted. And of course, in the event that you’re telling the truth, then of course I’m going to want to take this as seriously as possible, which is WHY I invite actual context and evidence, even if I’m not looking to cancel someone; I just want to get down the exact truth of the situation and what happened, I can’t make a case to others nor myself on just claims without evidence. If you’re right, then I’ll owe a deep apology and unconditional support.

Just... don’t expect me to cancel someone for you. At least, not without actual evidence, because with the accusations involved, this kind of thing needs to be taken as seriously and carefully as possible. Ya gotta work with me, not lash out at me, a stranger who knows nothing. I’m sorry if I’m being too harsh, I just feel like I need to set boundaries, and if anyone disagrees, please provide feedback; I’m open to criticism!

#Anyone else who got that ask is invited to provide input and tell me if I’m being too harsh #I WANT to take this seriously but you need to communicate with me if that’s the case #I can’t figure everything out on my own you gotta work with me and also don’t be so passive aggressive at me for something I just found out #because the fact that you’re informing me implies you think this is my first time hearing this information #ramblings #vent #vent tw #Hey so don’t reblog this btw #discourse #discourse tw

[omniswords]

Chronicles of a Parisian Dumbass 9

pictured: me crawling out of the rubble after yet another set of wisdom tooth extractions

STILL ALIVE, SOMEHOW

anyway, enjoy this update! things have been a bit slow going between this and another project that i haven't started posting yet (along with a brainworm for a different fandom entirely orz), but i'm committed to seeing these stories to the end, don't worry 💙🎶💖

she’s… gone? CBG is gone?

wait hold up, we’re going on a pre-other-job adventure. if you could even call it an adventure.

No, it’s no mistake. Marinette’s not the one standing at the counter this morning. In fact—judging from how much he can see from peering through the window in a totally-not-creepy way—she’s nowhere to be found. Mr. Dupain is there, as faithful to the shop as his apron and his hands are covered in flour. But this time it’s Mrs. Cheng at the register, kissing the top of her husband’s head when he bends it to her and inviting Luka in with a single gesture when she meets his eyes.

Well, now he has to go in.

He tries with every fiber in him to mask his disappointment while he locks up his bike and slips into the bakery-patisserie, and he hangs by the door until she’s finished with a customer and beckons him closer. “Good morning, Luka!” she chirps, and it’s in that moment that he sees all the traces of her daughter in her. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Can I get you the usual?”

Luka gives her a mute smile and a nod, and he awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. “Yeah, I guess it has.” Three weeks? Has it really been three weeks? “I heard you went out of the country? How was it?”

“It was nice,” Mrs. Cheng says with her usual warm smile. She’s already busy with a small pastry box and a pair of metal tongs. “Just what I needed for a while, but only for a while. You always have to come back home, after all.”

He nods, despite the fact that his home could be… literally anywhere. Could go literally anywhere. Maybe it’s for that reason alone that he’s had the distinct feeling that home is made up of people and not places.

Mrs. Cheng slides the box toward him, trades it for his card, but she doesn’t let him go just yet. She disappears into the back, and returns with a thick paper cup cradled in both hands, its contents so piping hot that there’s steam rising from the little hole in the lid. “You look like you could use a good cup of tea,” she says, kind as ever—and then, as he takes out his card once more, “It’s on the house, chou. Your constant patronage is payment enough.”

“Wow, that’s…” Luka’s speechless for a moment. “That’s really kind of you. Thank you.”

She smiles at him, and he didn’t really realize how much he’s missed seeing it until now. Maybe it’s not so bad that she came back. (Of course it’s not so bad; what is he thinking?) “The leaves are fresh,” is all she says. Probably because she doesn’t think it’s something she needs to be thanked for. “Think of it as a souvenir.”

Before Luka lets himself out, he stops by the door and tosses a glance back. “Hey, Mrs. Cheng?”

“What is it, Luka?” She had to pause humming as she wiped down the counter and the tongs, but she doesn’t seem disturbed by it. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen her disturbed by… anything, really.

His hands are too full to do anything fidgety with them, so he has to settle for scuffing the floor with his heel. “They took real good care of the shop while you were gone. Don’t have to worry about a thing.”

Mrs. Cheng’s expression goes soft. “That’s good,” is all she says, and it’s like she knows what he’s really trying to say—and honestly, he wouldn’t be surprised if she did. She’s a mother. She’s Marinette’s mother. Surely there have been plenty of boys, maybe even girls, who’ve spent their fair share of time here, fawning and pining. He wouldn’t be offended if he were just a drop in the bucket.

He doesn’t know why he hasn’t considered, until now as he’s hip-checking the door, the fact that Marinette Dupain-Cheng, with the ocean name and the ocean eyes, might already be taken.

Yeah, he has to tie down the pastry box to the back of his bike, and yeah, he has to walk his bike part of the way to the Champ de Mars and ignore the buzz of every notification in his back pocket. But it’s worth taking the extra time to enjoy the tea; he doesn’t know much about all the intricacies of the stuff the way Mrs. Cheng probably does, but it’s fruity and it smells kind of like flowers and it warms his insides, the way he thinks most tea is supposed to. And it perks him right up. He knows he’s going to need that today.

Not to mention there is, admittedly, a part of him that keeps looking around the city as he walks, and then bikes. A part of him that keeps wondering if he might catch Marinette lingering around the city. Living in it the way he does—forgetting, perhaps for a while, that other people exist. It’s the sort of thing that seeps in at the edges of his mind instead of plaguing his every waking moment. It comes to him the same way he might look at some old sheet music and remember his sister, or the way he might find an unattended mess and think, ah, that’s Ma.

At least that makes him feel… a little less like a creep.

When he gets to the park, he has to pick his spot strategically. Getting time off deliveries hardly ever means it’s time to rest; it’s either time to practice, or compose, or—his favorite—busk in parks, or metro stations, or the Trocadero plaza if he’s feeling particularly fancy. It’s not so lucrative that he can quit his other job and focus just on music, even if that would be the ultimate dream. But it gets some extra cash in his pocket, and he’d be either deaf or stupid if he ever tried to claim that his ma never taught him the value of a euro.

He decides on a bench nearby, where there are plenty of people scattered across the grass, picnicking and laughing and reading under the early summer sun. Sometimes he wonders what it might be like to belong to one of those groups, instead of half-being part of them online, but all it takes is the pop of his case and his fingers on the strings and knobs to remind him that everything he has is right here.

Still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t take a moment or two after he’s eaten, with his permit clipped to the belt loop of his pants and his guitar in his lap, to fish his phone out of his pocket and scroll through his notifications one last time. It’s funny; when he started up this account, it was mostly to have a corner of the internet to himself, where he could share a few unbridled thoughts and a few more composed ones, maybe throw in a Kitty Section promotion or a clip of his latest project. Now, with a handful of new followers and likes and reposts in the double digits, he kind of has to wonder if this is his brand. Awkward musician mini-posts about a girl he’s not so scared to talk to but can’t get up the nerve to Talk To, just because it’s “wholesome.” Complete with that emoji that looks kind of like the pair of puppy dog eyes Juleka gives him when she tries to paint his nails a color that isn’t black.

And then he has to wonder, yet again, why so many people would be so invested in something like that. Why they’re so bent on following a saga about his…

Well, it’s not really a crush…

Is it a crush?

Oh, Jesus, no. Of course not. It’s not as though he spends every waking hour what it might be like to hold her hand, touch it beyond the occasional brush when they exchange boxes and cards. What it might be like not to have to apologize for bumping into her, or holding her attention for too long. It’s not as though he’s constantly imagined an evening moment that belongs to just the two of them, his guitar soothing her away from the pendulum swing of utter chaos and mind-numbing boredom that lives behind the register. And it’s not as though he’s felt the phantom bumps of her knees against his, or the quiet but intentional stroke of her fingers over his knuckles, or the solid feeling of their heads pressed together just before she tilts her own.

…Well. Not all the time.

Luka stuffs his phone in his pocket before he can think any more about what this is and what this isn’t and what he feels and what he doesn’t. He plucks out a few scales and takes a deep breath or two—sometimes he needs to do that to remind himself that he’s a performer, a musician, he’s doing his job and he can claim this space as much as he likes. And then he starts to play.

That’s all it takes. A few bars is all it ever takes for anyone to get as closee as they can to knowing him.

Within seconds, his fingers are dancing along the fretboard of his guitar, playing fanned-out tunes, drippy arpeggios pinpricks that demand to be heard among the background echo of notes gone by. Every chord with its own texture. Every song with its own color, following the ebb and flow of choked strings. He barely realizes he’s swaying and tapping his heel to his own craft, mouthing the lyrics to songs everyone here must know, until the first person approaches and drops a bill in his case. The patrons trickle in after that: some pass by and pause to spare him the courtesy of a removed earbud; some look up from their books and start to dig around in their pockets or their bags. One girl even kicks off her shoes and pulls her boyfriend up to dance with her, and maybe that doesn’t put food in his belly, but it’s something he can carry with him like the blessed photo of his sister that he kept in his worn-out wallet.

He doesn’t look up or open his eyes often—only to nod in thanks to those who are kind enough to pay him. The one time he looks up of his own volition, he lands on a boy and two girls, seated on a pink plaid picnic blanket and chatting excitedly. One of the girls, who has dark hair in a braid and her back turned to him, suddenly swells and sits up on her knees, all animated gestures as she gets to her feet and rounds her friends, evidently to demonstrate something.

His body remembers to keep playing, but the rest of him stops.

Marinette.

The other girl clicks for him then—the reddish hair and the glasses from his delivery to the bakery—just in time for her to make eye contact with him and for a sly smile to spread across her face. She looks up toward Marinette, says something he’s grateful he can’t make out, and when Marinette looks his way with a dove’s eyes and a deer’s stance, he only winks at her and goes back to his playing and swaying.

GOD, he screams to himself. WHY DID HE DO THAT?

He doesn’t dare look up again at least until the end of the song, and it’s a miracle that he plays even better than before he noticed her. When he does, Marinette is still watching him—has she been the whole time? Eventually, and out of the corner of her eye she kneels to gather up her friends’ trash, and she tosses them into the bin nearby. Very, very nearby. And then she kneels down again—very, very down— and drops a couple of bills into his case. It takes the rest of his bravery to lift his gaze toward her.

“First you ‘tip’ me,” he says, one hand on the guitar and the other making air quotes. “Now this?”

“Oh, come on,” she shoots back, smoothing out her skirt as she sits beside him, in spite of how her friend ribs the boy and nods their way. “This doesn’t even come close to how you’ve basically helped keep my parents’ business in the black. Besides…” She nods toward his case. “Now you can’t say you didn’t work for it.”

“Trust me.” Luka pats the body of his guitar, biting back a told you so and the urge to wonder why he feels so sure of himself. What witchcraft the guitar is working to make him feel this way, or if it’s the guitar at all, or whether all it does is make him look like a total douchebag. “I’ve been working.”

“So you can play.” Marinette crosses her legs and her arms, which accentuates the new jade pendant resting in the hollow of her throat. Probably a souvenir from Mrs. Cheng, or a gift from family she’s never met. “That’s not the same as being in a band.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still in one. I’ll prove it to you, if you want me to so badly.”

She grins, and it makes every hair stand on end under the heat of the sun. “Oh, yeah? And how are you gonna do that?”

“Come on—a musician never reveals his secrets.”

“That’s a magician, Luka.”

This time it’s his turn to smile, just as he fights back the flare of adrenaline. “Who says I don’t make magic?”

Yeah. It’s definitely the guitar.

“So,” Marinette says. She gives a passerby an admiring look when they stop to drop a few coins in his case, and Luka can’t tell if she’s doing it to thank his patrons or lure them in. “Do you take requests?”

“What’s the matter?” Luka strums a chord, wiggles the fingers that aren’t pinching his pick. “Don’t like my take on popular songs?”

“It’s not that.” She sits back on the bench like she really intends to stay awhile. Like she doesn’t have two friends who are staring at her so intently, either because they’re waiting for her to come back or because all they’re missing is a bucket of popcorn to split. “I guess you just always gave off the vibe that you had some kind of… angle, you know? Like, you’re the type of guy who hears colors, so people can give you a color and…” She shrugs. “You could play it.”

Luka tilts his head. “I can hear colors.” And moods. And hearts. And I’ve been stuck on yours, exactly how you think I mean it, for days. “I just never thought of it as an angle. Just an inspiration.”

Marinette blinks a couple of times in surprise, the sort that only says she wasn’t expecting his answer and thankfully not the sort that might imply that she knows what he’s thinking. “Oh. Well. Um. Sorry, I didn’t mean to—”

“You have something in mind?” He nods toward his case; might as well spare her the awkwardness he knows too well. “You know. So I can work for it.”

She takes a moment to think, seemingly grateful to be relieved of an apology, and she sits up straight only when she meets eyes with her best friend. “Something blue,” she murmurs after a while. “I wouldn’t mind hearing that.”

She says it, and Luka thinks of her without having to look at her. He smiles to himself, adjusting his guitar in his lap and pressing his fingers to the fretboard in the almost-right way. “There’s a saying about that, where my family’s from,” he replies, just loud enough for her to hear, and he begins to play as close to her eyes as he can manage. Pulls her into his world, this place between thoughts where he can get most things just right without having to say anything, where he’s the only person that anything makes sense to—him, and anyone willing to listen.

It feels like Marinette’s willing to listen.

The notes trail off once he reaches the part he hasn’t quite figured out, the sparkle in her eyes he hasn’t , and he’s felt her gaze on him long before he cuts the music and looks her way. “Something like that?” he says. It’s only then that he notices the extra money in his case, and judging from the look on Marinette’s face, she wasn’t the one who put it all there.

But she smiles at him all the same, gets to her feet and dusts off her skirt. “Something like that,” she replies. And then, before she returns to her friends. “I guess this is where I can find you now, huh?”

Like that’s supposed to mean something.

Is it supposed to mean something?

“I mean,” he says. “You could order something again.”

“I mean,” Marinette says back, “I could pick up a couple more shifts at the bakery.”

Luka doesn’t bother with his phone, or any technology, until he gets home—long after he’s settled below deck. It’s only then—because of course it’s right then—that inspiration sparks like a match. Only then that he scrambles for cables and plugs and the laptop he and Juleka used to share until they gifted her a new one for university.

song update. better quality than my phone, even. hit that play button, pals. and thanks for the likes.

#miraculous ladybug #lukanette #luka couffaine #marinette dupain cheng #fic: chronicles of a parisian dumbass #chinhands

[aconstantache]

MY FAVOURITE ROMANCE NOVELS OF 2020

HM: The Minute I Saw You by Paige Toon; Fair As A Star by Mimi Matthews; You Deserve Each Other by Sarah Hogle 

10. Take A Hint, Dani Brown by Talia Hibbert - loved, loved, loved these MCs. They were both so well-realised and multi-faceted. Zafir may be one of my favourite heroes ever and the depiction of a South Asian family here is also an all-time fave?? No boring, tired, sad diaspora vibes? No overused tropes re: Muslims? MIRACULOUS. So Zaf is a romance novel-reading lover of love and Dani is Not About Relationships. Unstoppable force meets immovable object etc etc.

9. Two Rogues Make A Right by Cat Sebastian - the ultimate in hurt/comfort decadence. Literally the entire plot is one person is really sick and the other person spends the entire rest of the book looking after them. LIKE, MAYBE THAT IS THE ONLY THING THAT HAPPENS?  It takes a bit to get into it but also the sick one is kinda villainous and the one looking after him believes there’s good in him despite all evidence to the contrary. V good dynamic! 

8.  Wild At Heart by K.A. Tucker - I read and LOVED The Simple Wild last year and was so happy the author decided to write a sequel. I would read ALL the books about these two characters just living their life in this universe. I know Tucker is branching out and writing about other characters in the ‘verse and: eh. I only want to read about Calla riding snowmobiles and Jonah telling her how competent she is I’m sorry!!! Wild At Heart focuses less on romance and more on Calla getting used to Alaska but it’s still satisfying seeing them work out how to compromise and start a new life together. 

7. Beach Read by Emily Henry - I love when a romance novel has a lot of hype and it lives up to expectations (see The Roommate for the opposite, ugh that book was bad.) Honestly I get off just on the blurb of this book: he writes pretentious literary fiction! she’s a bestselling romance author! they help each other write and slowly fall in love at the same time! It also deals with slightly heavier themes and there is focus on a recent death and some other stuff which I know a few people struggled with but there’s plenty of humour and light-heartedness so it all works imo

6.  A Dangerous Kind of Lady by Mia Vincy - It is so rare for me to like every book in a Historical Romance series but Mia Vincy’s Longhope Abbey is 3/3 atm. I loved the first two (as mentioned last year) and this one is an A+ addition (ngl I have qualms about the fourth book but I think MV has won some trust at this point so.) We originally met these MCs in the first book when they were introduced as very happily married and devoted so rewinding to them being conflict-stricken and angst-ridden youths was great.

5. You Say It First by Katie Cotugno - So I simultaneously adored this and also found it irritating. This book focuses on ‘liberal’ Meg who has progressive values and is very involved in things like voter registration phonebanks. She ends up on the phone with Colby who is her age and struggling with his family’s lack of money, his dead-end job, etc and has no time to discuss how the electoral system could help him. From a political point this had the potential to be really interesting but I think it’s pretty mishandled by the author. I think she could have done a much better job at writing a character who has no faith in the political system for valid reaons but like, some of Colby’s opinions are just nonsensical? Also Meg often feels ‘liberal’ in a way that is twee and annoying and superficial. Why did I place this so high when I have such a list of complaints??? Despite all this, the relationship between Meg and Colby is so sweet and satisfying and well-built. Most it it takes place over the phone and I love that liminal space that exists just for the two of them. It managed to outweight my negatives!!!

4.  If We Were Us by K.L. Walther - I know people have had qualms with this book but I still loved it. The boarding school vibes; the friendships; the siblings. Quintessential YA things done well! Sage and Charlie are best friends and would be perfect together (valedictorian types) except Sage is far more into Charlie’s twin brother (v not valedictorian type) and Charlie isn’t into girls at all. Two good, satisfying romantic relationships found here folks!

3. Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall - FAKE DATING EXCELLENCE. I think every year I need something new to fill this particular category and Boyfriend Material is a really stellar entry. That being said, I don’t think there’s much actual fake dating going on in this book apart from premise-wise but we move! Luc and Oliver have a good mix of awareness and conflict so you get the Good Stuff TM of them being together and sweet and wonderful while still having to wait for their climactic Get Together.

2. Today Tonight Tomorrow by Rachel Lynn Solomon - I’m obsessed with “I’ve hated you all along! Wait... have I?” narratives and it’s executed so perfectly here. Rowan and Neil are two massive nerds and competitive rivals who end up spending their last hours of school together. There is very little plot to this book - it is almost 100% relationship development and hangout time - which is almost always all I ever want from romance.

1. Mix Tape by Jane Sanderson - I read this all the way back in January (what a completely different time in the world!) so it’s a testament to how good it is that I still feel strongly enough about it to give it pride of first place. This is the kind of book - because it’s not reeeeally genre fiction - that seems destined for a sad or, at the very least, ambigious ending but (HA!) it provides a warm, wholly satisfying happily ever after. Anyway if you’re into second chances after decades and decades apart and people communicating through songs and yearning and never being able to Let Go - this is for you!

#romance novels #romance recs

[improving-the-truth]

Gloves

Mush forgets his gloves.

“It’s okay, Kid,” Mush amended. He stuffed the hand that wasn't carrying his papes into the pocket of his jacket. It was seasonably cold out, the gloomy sort of December weather that came angrily with biting air and a wretched grey sky to hang drearily over them, combating the cheerful music playing in the streets and bountiful Christmas colors hung up on every bench, lamp post and storefront. None of that stuff did much of anything to accentuate the beauty of New York, not that there was much there to begin with, in Blink’s eyes. “I’ll get on just fine without ‘em. Hey, it could be colder out.”

“Wouldn’t do you much good even if you didn’t forget them. They’re all worn through the fingertips, anyway,” Blink said.

Mush nodded, frowning for a moment, then he brightened. “Maybe it’ll snow soon, and we can make snow angels and things.”

“Or lose all our buttons and catch the grip.”

Blink didn’t like winter. It was his very least favorite season, in fact. At least in the summer you could play ball and jacks on the sidewalk without catching cold. Jack liked winter a lot, and Blink just couldn’t see why. Cowboys weren’t even supposed to be suited to the cold, so Blink heard. They didn't have snow out west, and Blink would be damned if that weren't the only thing that could even remotely entice him to pack up and ride off with Jack to the desert. He supposed Jack more liked the 'keeping warm' part of it all, but there wasn't much keeping warm for the likes of them.

Blink never had a wood stove to sit around while it burned up sticks, no boots without holes or coats thick enough to keep out spring's blooming chill--that was, until he came to the lodging house all those years ago. One of the good things about living in the dorm was that the Children's Aid Society gave out amenities every winter to the kids who needed them. The clothes weren't fancy or new or anything; much of it was donated. But a forlorn old jacket with faded cotton lining was better than freezing. If you didn't want to freeze, you'd wear what they gave you without raising a peep of complaint about it.

“Say,” Blink piped up, bumping Mush’s shoulder with his. “What do you say we hurry up and sell out so’s we can go and get you a brand new pair of gloves, huh?”

Mush smiled, liking the thought of possessing something new. That didn't happen very often. “Yeah?”

“Sure. I’ll even buy ‘em for you. Think of it as an early Christmas present.”

“No, thanks, Kid. I don’t wanna take your money or nothin'.”

“You ain’t. I’m giving it to you, free of charge.”

“I wouldn’t feel too good about that.”

Blink thought that was a funny thing to say. Whenever he thought of giving Mush something, he always felt wonderful. It was different for Mush probably, because he was the one receiving the gifts and not giving them.

There wasn't ever a time when Blink considered that maybe he should stop being that way with Mush, on account of how it somehow made him feel indebted like he had to pay Blink back. Could be because of his faith, how he thought he had to pay everyone back for every little thing he took or borrowed or used or even a second because they were nice enough to lend it in the first place. That was a nice sentiment. Even though Mush insisting he had to pay Blink back for borrowing a couple pennies got old fast, Blink didn't mind Mush's values. In fact, he liked them a lot. They were just another piece of refined evidence to help prove to himself he wasn't going crazy. Mush really was an angel after all. Blink never met another guy who cared about the lifespan of snowflakes and that they should be sure to avoid as many as they could so they wouldn't be lonely when they melted.

Blink didn't care if Mush felt like he was misplacing his money, he was just going to have to like it. It would make Blink feel a lot better to know he wasn't going to freeze his fingers off if he left him alone for too long. Mush wasn't the complaining type. Blink knew for a fact he'd had that old pair of gloves for at least three years without once mentioning how they didn't even make a difference to the cold anymore. He had an uncanny ability to see the good in everything. He could turn a lousy, grey-skied day where the air was so frigid Blink couldn't feel his face in a matter of minutes upon stepping out the door into a good one, where they could stop by the chestnut stand on Beekman on their way back to pick up something warm to eat.

“That's a real shame,” Blink said. Mush looked like he was going to say something else, closing his mouth a second later and falling back into easy step beside his friend.

Blink studied the way Mush’s fingers curled around his papes for longer than he should have before an idea struck him. Grabbing Mush's sleeve, he led him off the cobbles and around the corner into the mouth of an alleyway.

Blink brought Mush closer until they were standing face to face. Blink leaned his shoulder against the bricks, tucking his elbow into his side to hold his papes as he took off one of his own gloves.

“A compromise.” Blink reached for Mush's hand, and he gave it. He put the glove on for him, noting without a word that Mush was shivering. "You can give it back when I get you your present. How about that?"

Mush waited for Blink to let go of his hand. When he didn't, Mush looked up. Blink was watching him with his sharp blue eye, counting on a response.

Mush didn't think he even needed new gloves anymore. He was warm all over, like how he got when he was coming down with something. He didn't feel particularly ill though, and if he had, he would have told Blink. He felt kind of woozy, almost, like he might fall over but in a good way. Rightfully, he was a little confused.

“Any better?”

Surely Blink knew it was far too soon to notice a change, but with Blink's thumb gently running over the back of his palm, that didn't even come to Mush's mind. Mush nodded anyway. He did feel better, after all.

#mush meyers #kid blink #blush newsies #newsies #newsies 1992 #1992sies #92sies #short fic #fanfic #newsies fanfic #newsies fanfiction #it's nowhere near christmas but rewatching little women makes me soft.

[panharmonium]

why are you being like this?

people i’ve met - they’re not like you.  they don’t care.  i don’t matter.

don’t ever think that.  we all matter.

just some meandering thoughts on where the thematic center of merlin bbc lies for me, and how it weaves itself in and out of my fandom experience.

under a cut because this is a) sort of long and b) not really directed anywhere but my own brain, as i keep thinking about and creating for this show.

[as always, before i get rolling, a reminder: when i write about how i engage with this show, it’s just me talking about what gives me, personally, the most satisfaction or enjoyment, not the way i think everybody should do things.  if this isn’t your particular read, please feel free to scroll past.  i am not ever going to bother anybody for engaging with this show in their own way, so please don’t worry about it if we are not on the same page.]

that post about kilgharrah really got me feeling things.  

i struggle a lot with the sort of...non-nuanced ‘fuck kilgharrah/fuck gaius/fuck arthur/fuck whoever’ mode of engagement that i sometimes run across in fandom.  (and i’m not saying there’s anything intrinsically wrong with it; if you have the most fun engaging with the show in that way, please continue to have fun.  i’m just writing, on my own blog and in my own space, about what i personally do or don’t find compelling.)

i struggle with this mode for the same reason that i struggle with the whole ‘fuck yoda!’ narrative that pops up sometimes in tumblr’s star wars fandom.  because it’s not the narrative that the story is actually trying to create, and though this fact doesn’t mean you can’t twist things that way if it gives you more enjoyment, for me, there’s nothing about it that feels good.

writing fictional characters off like this, when the narrative is clearly not asking us to do so, feels...frustratingly false, and externally-imposed, as if characters are being evaluated based on the exacting standards of a universe in which they never lived, in a context where they were never intended to exist.  doing so requires you to willfully ignore what the story is actually trying to say, and it’s fine to go ahead and do that if you want, but for me it strips away so much of what makes the story meaningful.

bbc merlin’s core plotline is about believing in someone’s better nature.  the central storyline is that merlin commits himself to someone who doesn’t always give merlin reason to believe that this commitment is worth it, and yet still there’s always this hope and faith and belief that one day arthur will make it right.  

and this is presented as a worthy choice.  are there problems with it?  of course.  the show knows that, and it gives us places to think about that.  but even with this being the case, the ultimate message of the show is still never that this commitment was useless, worthless, or foolish.  the message of the show is that under the right conditions, people grow.  this show says that when we are given deep love, care, and companionship, we can change for the better.  it says that people, under the right conditions, can learn how to be better than they were before, and that everyone deserves the opportunity to grow into the person they were meant to be.

bbc merlin is not asking us to cancel any of its characters, ever.  that is never the show’s intention.  i won’t try to stop anybody from doing that, if that’s how they have more fun watching the show, but i am still going to contemplate, in my own space, how small that makes the story feel for me.

sometimes i see things like ...‘morgana/gwen/whoever is the only valid character in merlin bbc,’ and i just...first of all, neither of them are perfect, okay, and second of all, it doesn’t MATTER, because that has never been the point of the story.  this story is not asking us to rank characters on a scale of how righteous/unproblematic we think they are.  it’s asking us to CARE about the characters - ALL of the characters - and to root for them (yes, ALL of them), in the fullness of their imperfection.

when i explore the wider fandom, i typically bump up against one of two mindsets.  there’s the shipping mindset, where everybody loves arthur and he’s helplessly in love with merlin.  but i don’t want that mindset (because i don’t ship that pairing), so i look elsewhere.  but the other mindset is an attitude that dislikes arthur, full stop.  and i don’t want that either!

this ‘either/or’ divide is the opposite of what bbc merlin is asking us to do with its characters.  i criticize arthur all the time, but i still don’t think the story is asking me to reject him.  and i don’t WANT to reject him, either - why would i even watch this show, if i didn’t think it was important to see him become who he was meant to be, if i weren’t invested in his growth, if i didn’t ultimately believe in his possibility?  if i didn’t think the show was asking me to root for him - not uncritically, of course; the show is never asking me to do that - but with the core understanding that arthur is somebody worth caring about?

the same goes for morgana.  the show never asks us to write her off.  up until the very end, the show wants us to care about her.  the show wants us to root for her.  the show never asks us to forget that she and the other characters used to love each other; it never tells us to stop wanting morgana to get what she needs.  

gaius, too - the show never wants us to kick him to the curb.  it knows he’s not perfect.  he knows he’s not perfect.  he tells merlin, when talking about his own life, “there has, for the most part, been very little purpose to it.”  but the show doesn’t want us to fixate solely on his failures, or to dump him for his more cowardly moments.  the show wants us to know that he still has value.  it wants us to know that he is doing more good in the world now than he did before, which is all we can ask of a person, in the end.  it wants us to know that he cares, and that he is trying.

and kilgharrah - the show is never asking us to hate him, either!  yes, i get that it’s funny to joke about how “unhelpful” he is; i think that stuff is funny, too - but i also think it matters to understand that in canon, in the show, we are not meant to read kilgharrah as a malevolent figure.  we are not supposed to read him as a villain.  we are supposed to care about him.  we are supposed to understand that he, too, is working, ultimately, for the triumph of Good.  even though his version of this may feel convoluted to us, because kilgharrah isn’t human and can’t possibly be evaluated by human standards, we are supposed to understand that he, too, is trying.  we are supposed to be moved when merlin asks him, “what will i do without you?”

we are supposed to care about all of them.  we are supposed to find all of them worthy.  we are not supposed to evaluate them (and then discard them) according to inflexible, merciless, decontextualized standards imported from a non-merlin-bbc world.

and this doesn’t mean people aren’t still allowed to do that, if it’s fun for them, but for me, analyzing this show outside of its context doesn’t bring me any satisfaction.  we can go ahead and say things like ‘arthur should get his head chopped off’ and like, okay, that’s funny as a joke.  but as an actual analysis of the show - as a sincere interpretation of the story - it fails.  it’s devoid of all context.  we aren’t supposed to be evaluating this story from the perspective of ‘let’s overthrow the monarchy, kings should die, etc etc.’  the context of merlin bbc is that albion is waiting for a righteous monarch, and that this is a desirable, acceptable, correct thing, in the context of that world.  we are supposed to understand that arthur IS the once and future king, and that this IS a good thing, in this universe, and that the journey we are on here is one where he becomes worthy of his seat on the throne and then ushers in a time of peace and justice for all of albion’s people.

(and as i’ve said before - this is why the merlin bbc finale is so stunningly bad.  it’s not that the show subverts our expectations, it’s that it annihilates its own story, which it has been consistently telling for sixty-three episodes.)

that aside, though - this same overlooking of contextual nuance is the reason why i don’t connect to takes that consider ‘oh no, merlin kills people!’ to be evidence that he’s “changed,” “gone dark,” or “lost his soul.”  merlin does go through a dramatic (and tragic) change by the time we hit season 5, but what happens to him has nothing to do with the fact that he’s killed people.  the context of this show isn’t one where killing is a universal evil.  killing in battle or for the purpose of self-defense is not a morally problematic choice, in this world.  merlin, like everyone else in this show’s context, understands this, and killing a group of enemy soldiers to protect his own life is not something the show intends for us to interpret as an erosion of his humanity. 

what IS framed as an evil act, in the context of merlin bbc, is when someone chooses to kill despite the fact that mercy is an option.  if arthur had killed odin when he could have instead made peace with him, if arthur had executed annis’s champion or vivian’s father when he had already defeated them in single combat, if merlin had killed kilgharrah whilst having absolute power over him - those are morally bankrupt choices, in merlin bbc’s context.

we’re not supposed to see things like merlin killing agravaine as evil decisions.  in the context of the show’s world, killing agravaine is a necessary, morally uncomplicated act.  it isn’t something merlin wants to do, certainly, and he tries to avoid it, and he doesn’t strike back until agravaine tries to kill him first, but ultimately this moment is not supposed to be illustrative of merlin turning down a dark path.  it’s grim, sure, but in the context of the show - in the context of the era - it’s nothing more than the justified wages of aggression.  agravaine brings this fate down upon his own head.  merlin is not a pacifist, and neither he nor anyone else would expect himself to just stand there and let a group of enemy soldiers murder him when he could instead kill the soldiers and get away.  that’s nonsensical and utterly decontextualized.  it’s not an expectation that anyone in-story would have, nor a standard that merlin (or anyone else) would hold himself to.

all that aside, though -

the issue, for me, in summary, is just that i think sometimes we...evaluate this show in ways that it really isn’t meant to be interpreted, without considering the story’s context or thinking about what the story’s actual intent is.  and i think that these decontextualized interpretations are often less generous than what the show is actually trying to say to us, and that sometimes we write characters off when the show absolutely is not asking us to do that.  

and of course, nobody has to listen to what the show is trying to say if they don’t want to.  if it brings someone more enjoyment to pick one character to stan and say ‘the rest of these characters are Bad People and i’m not interested in them,’ then that’s fine!  whatever floats your boat.  

it just doesn’t float mine.

the point of this show, for me, is that everybody deserves a chance.  the point of this show is exactly what merlin says to daegal in the woods, even as daegal is leading merlin into a trap: we all matter.  the theme at the heart of this story is that it is possible to love someone who doesn’t deserve it, and that this can be a worthy choice, a transformative choice, a powerful choice - not necessarily a perfect choice, or even the right choice, maybe, for the person making it, but still a choice that holds value, a choice that creates something good in this world, even at cost.

listen to me, clotpole.  i don't care if you die, there are plenty of other princes.  you're not the only pompous, supercilious, condescending, royal imbecile i could work for; the world is full of them.  but I'm going to give you one more chance.

should merlin have done that?

we can debate that forever.  i am critical enough of arthur pendragon myself, when it comes to merlin’s well-being, and i could easily argue that no, merlin shouldn’t have given arthur as many chances as he did; he shouldn’t have stuck around; he shouldn’t have offered so much of his life to someone who continued to make arthur’s kind of mistakes.

but i think it matters to remember that in canon, thematically, the story’s answer to this question is yes.  mercy, in this story, is the most noble gift a person can bestow on someone else, and i think we are asked to bestow this same kind of mercy on the show’s characters, heroes and villains alike.  we aren’t ever told, in this show, that some of these characters “weren’t good enough” to deserve their chances.  we are told that in this world, compassion is always worthwhile.  love is never wasteful.  it is never foolish to care for people, even and especially when they aren’t yet their best selves.  giving someone a chance does matter.  choosing to care does make a difference, in the end.  

people don’t have to import these themes into their own personal analysis, by any means.  but i am still committed to remembering, in my own work, in my own space, that when we raise the question “was it worth it” in reference to whether these characters truly deserved to be loved, or trusted, or given a chance to grow - the story’s answer is unequivocally yes.

#the once and future slowburn #meta #i don't know what this even IS #i'm just feeling so emotional about this show right now #i love it so much #and i can't love it piecemeal #i can't #i has to be everything #or the message doesn't hold #the show doesn't want us to pick our faves and toss out everybody who doesn't measure up #it wants us to listen when merlin says 'we all matter.'

[spidercakes]

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

Warnings: Peter is underaged (17), mentions of abusive relationships/ abuse, feminization (Peter).

*

Peter looks at his phone because Quentin won’t stop textinghim and this is getting annoying. Its been like four months, he didn’t think he’d have to tell him to take a damn hint given that his lack of response to anything Quent has done in that time frame should be clear enough. Of course its not, why would that be enough for Quent to fuck off? He’s never been good at taking a hint. Liz looks worried and he’s pretty sure Ned has drawn up actual murder plans not that he’d ever follow through and Peter’s mostly just annoyed with this.

“Maybe you should like… talk to someone about that,” Liz says and Peter shakes his head.

“Cops can’t actually do anything unless he hurts me so what’s the point?” Its not like he hasn’t looked it up and he doesn’t really have much faith in police anyway, they kind of suck at any kind of omega relations. And also relations with most other groups but that’s a whole other thing.

Liz goes to open her mouth to speak but MJ cuts her off. “He’s right, best he can get is a retraining order and you think Quentin’s going to listen to a piece of paper? Probably not,” she says.

“Well I don’t think he should do nothing, he keeps following Peter around like a lost dog,” she says.

“He stopped following me home after May yelled at him so there’s that,” Peter says hopefully. MJ looks vaguely disgusted and Liz doesn’t look less worried.

“Maybe May should yell at the school to do something too,” Ned says. “I miss having normal Quentin free lunch breaks.”

Peter frowns, “you haven’t had Quentin free lunch breaks since like, last year.” When they started dating, really. And at first it was nice that Quent wanted to spend time with him, but then it got annoying because Quent wouldn’t leave him alone about where he was every god damn hour of the day he wasn’twith him. That’d been weird with Tony, who really only seems to ask if he wants to know more about Peter’s day. Which he actually asks about because he isn’t a jackass.

“Yeah, exactly. He’s like a barnacle and it’s the worst,” Ned says.

Peter’s phone buzzes again and he gives it an annoyed huff. “I swear to godif that’s Quent,” he mumbles, picking it up and finding a text from Tony. Predictably like seven more come in right after each other because he had a bad habit of not sticking what he wants to say in one message. He claims it ruins the dramatic effect.

Lol saw your ex

Told him he looked like compliments Jake Gyllenhaal

He was PISSED

Tried to claim you were cheating on me

Which is ridiculous

But also his proof was worse lmao

I was literally with you the day he chose

And also the picture he tried to pass off as evidence was old

Does he think I’m stupid?

No, he doesn’t think Tony is stupid he thinks everyone else is as much of a reactive dickhead as him. Still though, Peter’s stomach squeezes because he knowshe kind of cheated on Quent a little bit. A couple of pictures isn’t much but its still something so he figures he’s given Tony a reason to be suspicious.

I’m not cheating on youhe sends back, hoping that Tony believes him because he’s not, he wouldn’t. Tony is… well, soft, compassionate, smart, funny, and Peter likes the way he feels when he’s with Tony. Like he’s the most special person on the planet. Tony always gives him these looks, and he’s always giving him these small touches like he can’t stand to be away for too long, and he always compliments Peter’s outfits. And he knows Tony keeps his pictures too and not just because he thinks they’re sexy, he actually pays attention to the composition and Peter likesthat Tony actually cares about things that are important to him. Ned tells him that’s normal stuff and MJ told him that he should have higher standards than that. They’re not wrongbut Peter hasn’t had anything like that before so its nice, compared to Quent.

His phone buzzes and thankfully its Tony again.

Lol yeah I know

You wouldn’t do that

Also Rhodey has banned me from sexiling him again

So I guess we need to follow his schedule

I don’t like when he whines and cries

Its annoying

And a little sad

Peter snorts, shaking his head. On one hand he feels bad for accidentally forcing Rhodey out of his shared space with Tony but on the other hand he honestly can’t believe Tony has such a hard time remembering Rhodey’s schedule. For a genius he’s got the memory of a sieve.

“If we just throat punched Quentin this wouldn’t be a problem,” MJ says, drawing him back into the conversation with his friends.

“We’re not throat punching Quentin, MJ, we’ll go to jail,” Peter says.

Liz snorts, “not, we’llgo to jail. You’ll be a cute little white omega waif the judge lets off with a slap on the wrist and I don’t think throat punching Quentin will solve anything but it would make us all feel better. Take one for the team, Parker,” she tells him and he can’t believe Lizsaid that. It’s the kind of thing he expects out of MJ for sure but Liz is the normal one, the voice of reason, the one who points out when they’re all acting like fools. And Quentin has pissed heroff enough to want him to get punched in the throat.

“You gunna punch him or not?” MJ asks.

“Can I film it?” Ned adds, leaning forward in interest.

“We’re not throat punching Quent guys, he’ll get bored and move on,” Peter tells them. “Hopefully anyway because now apparently he’s trying to convince Tony I’m cheating on him,” he mumbles, sulking.

Liz looks like someone has just slapped a puppy, Ned rolls his eyes so hard it’s a wonder they don’t roll out of his head and out the door, and MJ looks more annoyed. “Throat. Punch,” she says with emphasis.

*

Tony doesn’t really gethow he got so lucky considering Peter came out of literally nowhere but he’s also not complaining when he’s got Peter in his arms kissing him like that. Godhis ex is such an idiot and not just because of all the sketchy shit he does either, he’s stupid for giving Peter up let alone all his other kind of fucked up behaviors. Peter pulls away and Tony pulls him back, giving him a soft kiss before letting him pull away again. Peter’s cheeks are a little red and he’s grinning wide, “godI missed you,” he murmurs.

He tightens his arms around Tony’s neck as he pulls Peter closer. He’s got one hand settled on the back of Peter’s thigh toying with the garter belt he finds there and the other on Peter’s ass because fuck being appropriate. “Missed you too,” he murmurs, leaning back in and kissing him again.

“Yeah, as adorable as you two are can you not look so ridiculously lewd on fancy cars?” someone asks and Tony pulls away to find MJ standing there looking as unimpressed as usual.

He grins, “you’re just mad its not yourcar,” he says because he knows she has a thing for fancy sports cars. She denies it but she knows too much about them to have a passing interest.

“Uh huh. Mind giving me a ride home, I missed the bus because Liz is a hoe and I had to win that bet,” she says.

“Sure. We can try and convince Peter there’s value to movies that aren’t animated,” he says and she tries her best, she does, but she can’t help the loud snort she lets out.

“Oh that is a losing battle but you bet your ass I’m going to try anyway. What’s first on your list?” she asks.

“Don’t judge me, but V for Vendetta but not the way fuckboys think its good,” he says, trying and he thinks mostly succeeding in abating her fears about him being one of those jackasses who apparently missed the point of the movie.

She nods, “not a bad choice. I was thinking Sorry To Bother You,” she says.

Tony wrinkles his nose, “aw come on, give him something normal before you jump in with capitalism criticizing sci-fi flicks, we gotta ease him into it, not scare him back to Snow fucking White.” Not that he doesn’t appreciate a good Disney film but damn, thatone? He’d been happy when Ned and Liz started ripping on Peter about it first so he didn’t feel bad in affirming that his friends have better taste than he does.

“I watch live action guys, I like Star Wars and like, a couple other things,” Peter says in his defense.

MJ shakes her head, “sometimes I think he’s got more beauty than brains,” she says.

“Oh, he’s definitely got brains but he selectively uses them,” Tony says. Something in that must appease her because she nods to herself before pulling her backpack off her shoulder.

“So, can I drive?” she asks and Tony snorts.

“Absolutely not.” It’s athingwith him and Peter knows its because his parents died in a car accident but its not exactly something he advertises.

MJ looks disappointed, “and here I was, ready to approve of you,” she says and he thinksshe’s joking so he looks at Peter. He looks amused so she must be but that’s not what really catches his attention.

“You painted your nails,” he says, looking at the dark red nail polish Peter had chosen. Not his favorite shade of red but it does look nice against Peter’s pale skin.

He looks down at them and then to Tony before he grins and Tony already regrets mentioning it because Peter has a habit of being a total tease, not that Tony would ever call him that. Turns out that’s yet another thing his shitty ex did, except Tony doesn’t actually mind the teasing, he just pretends to be put out about it.

*

Peter has discovered that Tony has a thingfor Peter in his lap in any capacity but he seemed to take a special kind of delight in the way Peter straddles him now, body weight pinning him down as he kisses Tony feverishly. Its not just that he’s had a shit day, and its not just that May won’t be home for another two hours, its also that Tony responds so damn well and Peter likesfeeling wanted. He feels like its been forever and Tony is never short on any kind of praise so Peter soaks it up as he presses Tony into his mattress.

“So pretty,” Tony murmurs into his mouth, “gorgeous.” Peter smiles as he noses at Tony’s jawline, not pushing his limits but Tony tilts his head to the side a little so he considers it. The last time he tried anything like this it was with Quent, who hadn’t taken at allkindly to Peter trying to scent him. Didn’t seem to stop him from expecting Peterto be fine with being scented, but he doesn’t really want to repeat the scene. But Tony isn’t Quent either, and hedidtilt his head a little, almost like a silent invitation and Peter has always wanted to do this. Well, maybe not alwaysbut since he figured out what scenting wasanyway. Even if apparently omegas aren’t supposed to be interested in that type of thing. Which he thinks is total bullshit but whatever.

After a few moments of deliberation he noses the space just under Tony’s jaw, testing his limits. Tony tilts his head further to the side as his breath hitches up and Peter lets out a soft moan at Tony’s pliability. This time he doesn’t hesitate as he kisses his way down Tony’s neck, gasping a little when Tony moans loudly, arching into Peter as he slips a hand up his skirt, grabbing his ass tightly. “You like this?” Peter murmurs, nipping at Tony’s neck and he shivers at that too. It gives Peter a little thrill, the almost role reversal in the action, and he finds that he likes it, likes Tony under him with his neck bared panting as Peter scents him.

“Yes,” Tony tells him, near whining when Peter pulls away some. “Peter,” he says, dark eyes almost pleading and Peter grins, shifting on Tony’s lap just a little so he can watch the way his head tilts back a little as his mouth falls open. “Peter,” he says again, with more meaning this time.

“Yeah?” Peter asks, lips barely brushing over Tony’s. Tony tries to press into it but Peter is already gone. He lets out a soft sigh of disappointment at the loss and pouts. Tony looks adorable when he pouts.

“Kiss me,” Tony tells him, unafraid to ask for what he wants.

Peter sits back in his lap, hands on Tony’s chest and he likes the way that looks, his pale hands against Tony’s dark shirt with the dark red of his nails to break it up a little. It’s a pretty picture. The hand Tony has on his ass squeezes a little as the other comes to settle on his thigh. “Baby,” Tony murmurs, going back to pouting. He trails his fingers up Tony’s arm, covering the hand he’s got on Peter’s thigh with his own.

“You want me to kiss you?” he murmurs, weaving their fingers together.

Tony nods, “yeah baby, I want you to kiss me,” he says softly. “Scent me, tell me I’m yours,” he adds and Peter bites his lip hard to hold in his moan.

He leans forward again, taking Tony’s hand with him and pinning it over his head. Tony lets out a sharp gasp as his hips tilt up a little so Peter figures he can safely assume Tony likes that. He looks down at Tony for a moment, leaning in close before pulling away at the last second as inspiration strikes. He presses forward, putting more of his weight into pinning Tony’s wrist. “You want all that, hmm?” Peter murmurs and Tony nods. “Then beg for it,” Peter tells him, almost willing to ignore his own request because Tony looks so damn hot like this, spread out under him with Peter pinning him down.

“Please baby, want you to kiss me you’re so god damn stunning. Want you all over me, please,” Tony says, arching into him again and Peter kisses him hard, moaning into it becausewowthat’s hot and he didn’t expect the sharp flush of arousal at that and he wants to fuck Tony nowbut he thinks he might be able to get a little more fun out of him first, even if the rest of him is ready to go.

He pulls away again and Tony straight up whines. Peter bites his lip again because its hot, watching Tony whine for him, wanting him thatbad. He’s about to open his mouth when the door to his room bursts open and he jumps. Underneath him Tony does too, clearly as surprised as he is but he doesn’t quite think anyone is as surprised as May.

“Get your hand out of my nephew’s skirt!” she tells Tony, who promptly pulls his hand away in horror. She turns to face him and Peter is sure he’s a shade of red no human was meant to be. “Peter, what the fuck?”

#tony stark x peter parker #starker #alternate universe #fanfiction #alpha beta omega

[acrianswashere]

A real Occultist Debunks “Selling Your Soul”

Hot take this was ripped from my Wordpress, and Magick Journal I highly recommend checking out at the links above.

You ever read something so fuking asinine you want to claw your eyes out? Not everybody is Christian. Not every religion is Christianity. not all magick and holy sacred power comes from your Jesus. Selling your soul isn’t real. That’s not how this works beyond your feeble religious understanding. Today we’re going to be debunking Robert Johnson and how he “sold his soul” at the crossroads. Hot take: he didn’t.

For starters who is Robert Johnson? He’s a famous blues singer. He’s infamous for the before statement. Robert Johnson as a person doesn’t matter to much. I’m not really into blues and while I respect it as a genre with a history I could care less. What matters is this myth surrounding him and his music. Lots of people think he “sold his soul” for some kind of skill with the guitar. That, because he pledged himself to Satan he got his ability. Let’s get one thing out of the way. That doesn’t happen.

If you are familiar with this blog (I’m assuming you’re not) you’ll know I do magick. The real kind. Not that harry potter bullshit you see in movies. I am a left handed sorcerer who works frequently with demons. With the dark. Magick some people would consider to be black or inherently evil given the subject matter. Stuff drenched in what you stereo-typically view as the “occult”.

I promise you that the black man at the crossroads ain’t a demon but now we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Point is I do this shit for real. Solomonic tradition and the like. I’ve read my fair share of goetic based texts and fancy golden rimmed grimoires. I know demons well.

So why do I think as someone embedded in this that this is horseshit? Cus it is. When you work with spirits for any long period of time you’ll eventually have to pay them for their work. Nobody does any kind of labor for anyone for free whether you’re a human or a ghost. Spirits can be paid in a lot of ways from them asking you to write a song or throwing a rock in a pond, to giving them cake. Spirits can be paid with tasks or offerings. But your soul is worth nothing to them.

Your soul isn’t worth anything on the astral plane. It’s not something you can pay somebody with. It’s nontransferable. No one wants it and nobody will take it. You can promise your essence in devotion to someone, you can promise service, you can be a sword and a shield sure. But your soul is worth nothing. Nobody cares about it.

When it comes to dealing with the devil the myth arises from actuality. When it comes to demons or even other spirits like fae, you can bargain and barter with them. You can sign contracts with entities where they promise you something in exchange for something else. This something has to be something you can give them. Such as food, incense, art that sort of thing. You can’t really give anyone your soul it doesn’t work that way. 

Spirits do want stuff from you but they don’t want your soul. You can sign contracts with demons but they’re not gona ask for that in return. They may ask for something big but never that. It’s just not of value to them. They may ask for big metaphorical concepts like your divinity, your fame, or your loyalty but not your soul. Anything that’s asks you for your soul, chances are is trying to fuck with your head and only wants to parasitically feed off you. But we’re not gona get into Jellyfish here.

So yeah you can make an agreement with a demon, sign a contract with one also. But your not gona go to hell for it, and your certainly not giving them your soul.

Also Robert Johnson? Wasn’t a left handed guy. He was someone who practiced Hoodoo (not demons) which is a kind of African folk magick that comes from a variety of influences. Dollies are European In origin and while they made their way in some Hoodoo practices and even Voodoo it doesn’t change the fact that they are originally European.

[Barber, Chad. Infernal Conjure Craft. HADEAN PRESS, 2011. 1 vols.]

Hot take: it’s not cultural appropriation to work with dollies in that form. But that’s another misunderstanding and issue for another day.

So I mean reflecting did Robert Johnson do magick? Yes he did. He did Hoodoo. He references Mojo hands and other practices in his music. Those are Hoodoo things. Hoodoo ain’t evil. Just because it’s magick doesn’t make it “of the devil” and in retrospect that’s a super naive way to think of things. Especially given Hoodoo’s blend of cultures and origins which I’m not gona touch here because I am far from and authority on that matter.

 The world doesn’t revolve around Christianity and regardless of whether you practice Christianity or not you can’t really filter it all through that lens if you want a proper perspective. Other religions, other practices exist it doesn't mean its YOUR devil in disguise tempting people to sin via their belief.

[Yronwode, Catherine. “http://www.luckymojo.com/crossroads.html.&#8221; Luky Mojo Curio Co,

   www.luckymojo.com/crossroads.html.]

Hell, Christian Magick exists and the miracles Yeshua himself performed were inherently of a divine supernatural presence (you know the big guy). That’s magick whether holy or not. But now we’re detracting.

Point is regarding Robert Johnson, the dude did do magick. He did Hoodoo. That doesn’t mean that he sold his soul. Also the whole crossroads thing? Yeah there is a ritual you can do to achieve a skill set that is known as “that one crossroads ritual everybody talks about whenever the crossroads in magick are even briefly mentioned”. You enter in to an agreement with an entity known as The Black Man by going to the crossroads for a set time frame. Then he then aids you in your attempts to learn whatever the skill you asked for afterwords. 

It’s a Hoodoo ritual and I know so because I’ve done it. (See my magical journal entries night 1 through night 7) Certain pantheons have certain vibes and this one was African in nature. The exact origin or creator of it I can not tell you but it has a vibe that doesn’t scream to me demon. Plus some of my demons don’t get along well with him which wouldn’t of have happened the way it did for me had he been one of them.

We don’t really have any historical evidence that Robert Johnson himself even bothered to do this ritual. You can speculate but it doesn’t change the fact that we simply don’t know and what we do know we can’t pinpoint. We only have second hand sources from other people rather than statements made by the man. Crossroads are just a thing in Hoodoo. They are a thing in a lot of magick and religions. I mean the Greeks had Hekate. who is wonderful and that was/still is her thing. The heathens have Wodin. Crossroad deities are everywhere. They are not regulated to one specific faith or practice alone. Nor should they be.

So him singing a song about the crossroads or rituals related to it means absolutely nothing. Did he wake up good at guitar? It’s possible. Was a ritual involved? Yeah I’ll give you that. Did he sell his soul to do it? No. He didn't. The reason this association is even here in the first place is because of his friend Tommy Johnson. No before you ask they weren’t related. Tommy Johnson did this ritual. He painted it for whatever reason as a satanic thing and marketed himself accordingly. He also did Hoodoo so take that as you will. He wasn’t really as well known even if his guitar playing was better than Roberts. This was later adapted into a published fictional book where the myth of Robert doing it arose in popculture.

So that’s the truth it’s not as exciting as a conspiracy theory drenched in Christianity.  The ritual is real. I talk about it in my oddly titled book “how to sell your soul and other nifty things. A beginners guide to black magick.” which has yet to come out despite it’s misnomer of a title. if you want guides on that ritual I can’t really help you but earlier in this article I linked my journal experience of me doing the ritual which is the only deviation out there from the standard fair you find online. But it’s really best performed at an abandoned location for as long as possible, with information regarding it gathered from places outside the internet. (The internet won’t properly prepare you for this ritual you need to go buy some books).

So yeah you can do Hoodoo and a crossroads ritual to achieve a skill. You can sign pacts with demons. You can use magick to get famous even though we didn’t discuss that here. But you can’t sell your soul. It’s worth nothing. The crossroads ritual has nothing to do with the christian devil and you don’t go to any sort of hell for performing it. It’s possible that Robert didn't even do the ritual though that really is a matter of opinion at this point. Tommy did the ritual. Tommy marketed himself poorly. So maybe before you perpetrate a myth like this do a sting of research and discover that life is way more interesting and elaborate and magick is far more detailed than some industry based conspiracy theory about getting famous and good at shit with no effort.

My name is Acrians Locket. I’m snarky and bitter. My blog is currently aimed at beginners who have an interest in the real versions of this sort of stuff outside of hogwarts ridden movies. I hope you enjoyed and check me out. Chow

-Acrians Locket

Further Reading:

Baby’s first demons:

Best Book For Beginners

Companion to the keys of Solomon

Demon Dictionary

This Youtube Channel [e.a koetting]

This Youtube Channel [Orlee Stewart]

Other magick (not my forte though I’m exploring it right now so forgive the lack of links)

This Youtube Channel [Arziana EverDark]

This Author [Taylor Ellwood]

This Site [More traditional based shit, legit and good]

[I’m not linking any crossroads stuff it’s linked previously if you actually click the hyperlinks I included within my article.]

MY magickal Blog

MY magickal Youtube

My Magickal Journal

#demonkin #demonology #magick #witchblr #hell #demons #how to sell your soul

[lazywhaler]

Serious actual Dishonored 2 Thoughts

I played through Dishonored 2 completely for a second time and paid a lot more attention this time around and as promised here are some thoughts under the cut (some 1700+ words of thoughts). This post is primarily meant to be like a journal-type thing for my thoughts, but I’ve tried to organize it as best I can with my minimal writing skills:

I was initially disappointed by Dishonored 2: I didn’t play this game at launch in 2016 because at that point I had a laptop that could only run Dishonored on low graphics in low chaos. I watched a bunch of walkthroughs on Youtube, read people’s thoughts on the comments in the wiki and all the meta here. I thought, and continue to think that mechanically, and gameplay-wise it’s vastly superior to the first game. 

I was disappointed by the story which was basically a retread of the first but somehow even more simplified. (which even though I love with all my heart, come on, Dishonored doesn’t have a groundbreaking story). The Daud DLCs were so much better in that regard, that I blindly trusted that Arkane would continue to move in that direction.

The characters in this game felt a little more one-dimensional. It felt like almost all the targets were expies of characters from the first game in one way or another, and the Clockwork Mansion level seemed to say that they didn’t care.

Apologies to Stephen Russel, but Corvo’s voice acting is not good at all. Corvo just sounds like he’s staring down a long Monday at the office with a hangover. I might said that maybe that grizzled raspy voice just doesn’t work for Dishonored but Michael Madsen’s performance of Daud pretty much assassinates that argument.

Don’t like what they did with the Void or characterising the Outsider, but this one’s just a personal preference. I can see why people would like it or not care, even if I don’t. 

The story also felt much much lower-stakes than the first one. Dunwall really felt if you pushed it with a feather, it would fall over the edge. Karnaca, in contrast felt like a vibrant, ascendant city being held back by gangs and corruption. Even the bloodflies aren’t that much of a calamity.

Having paid closer attention to the story, and other peoples’ readings of this game, I’ve realised that the ‘low stakes-ness’ of Dishonored 2 is intentional.

Arkane could have chosen to show Karnaca as a city on the brink of utter collapse. The bloodfly epidemic could have been bad enough that instead of buildings, entire streets or districts had to be blocked off. I haven’t done a high chaos run, but in my playthroughs, I’ve never seen Nest Keepers in groups of more than two, in stark contrast to the pant-shitting Weeper hordes from the first game.  Dunwall was literally blockaded, so there was no escaping your fate. The docks at Karnaca are wide open for anyone who wants to arrive. This is all intentional. 

So, the stakes are low. But why would Arkane intentionally make that choice? I think they intentionally lowered the stakes so that all the instances of corruption that you encounter or hear about are thrown into starker relief

In the first game, against the backdrop of a cataclysmic plague that made life very hard for non-aristocrats, it’s pretty easy to see why the City Watch would turn to crime. The plague if not excused, at least justified, a lot of shady behaviour from characters up to and including Sokolov experimenting on healthy people. In contrast, without the threat of the city descending into utter chaos hanging over everyone’s heads, when you try and pull the same shady crap that people did in the first game, now you just look greedy. And I think this game tries to bring that theme right to your doorstep, by letting Corvo/Emily participate in making things worse.

Robbing people’s houses in this game feels a lot worse than it did in the first one. The majority of the apartments that you rob don’t belong to people who are outrageously wealthy and haven’t been abandoned. These are people who are already getting screwed over and you can help make it worse. In Lower Aventa, you get a whole cutscene with the Lady Gaga Black Market woman being threatened by the Howlers and you have the choice to rob her (very likely) after witnessing that. 

Dishonored 2 focuses more on repairing damage done rather than avenging it

A bulk of the problems that happen in this game can be attributed to Corvo and Emily not being good at their jobs and more importantly, not being a good rulers. The game highlights the moral failures of Corvo and Emily to turn a blind eye to Luca Abele’s antics and the problems in Karnaca. They fucked up and they can’t really take revenge because they played a part in it too. That’s why instead of the poetic justice fate-worse-than-death types of nonlethal eliminations from the first game, we have more, for lack of a better word, corrective, options. The Crown Killer is cured. Breanna Ashworth can’t do witch stuff anymore. Knocking out Stilton improves so much stuff and literally heals Billie Lurk. Even Delilah gets an ending that kind of rewards her for all the crap she’s been through, without letting her hurt other people. Kirin Jindosh’s elimination comes across like this, but it’s emphasized that we’re taking him out purely so that we can stop him from mass-producing clockwork soldiers, not out of revenge, For my money, the only poetic justice-type nonlethal elimination is Luca’s even if he’s not really going to be in a situation where he’s better off dead. 

But here’s the thing: even though I ‘get’ Dishonored 2 a little better now, I still think they did a terrible job of trying to convey a lot of this!

I said that I think the low stakes nature was intentional and I think there’s reasonable evidence to support that claim. But there’s also evidence to contradict it. The Outsider keeps talking about Karnaca being on the brink of collapse. So do a lot of NPCs (I’m looking at you, beggar near the Aventa District Black Market). Am I supposed to take that at face value, ignoring what’s being shown to me in favour of what’s being told? Am I supposed to be like ‘Classic emo drama queen Outsider’ and slap my knee, and marvel at humanity’s propensity to make things out to be worse than they seem? I don’t know????

People being squeezed dry by the Grand Guard on the left and the Howlers on the right, with a light garnish of Overseer harassment? Definitely something in the game. When you rob them, and especially the Black Market shopkeepers? It’s Bad. But I guess a twinge of guilt and judgement from me is all you get, because the game isn’t going to punish you. They could have really committed and made robbing the Black Markets an action that increase chaos, even if you don’t kill anyone, but that Did Not Happen.

What about Emily (and let’s not even pretend anymore that this story holds together with Corvo as the protagonist) confronting her failures as a leader, realising she’s Not So Different from Luca Abele? Well, she gets called out on it a grand total of, maybe, 3 times by Billie and Sokolov, who immediately go ‘Well anyway, here’s the next thing I want to say’ and then at the end of the game, she’s like “My time here living as a Poor has given me Perspective. I deserve to be Empress now because I Want it”. Combined with how low-stakes this game is, it feels a lot like Emily took a gap year to find herself, except that the whole thing evidently took two months. I don’t think they executed any of this stuff well. The fact that I have to question these decisions were intentional or not doesn’t bode well.

Emily kind of faces some reckoning for her moral failings, turning a blind eye to the crap going down in Karnaca, but what about her incompetence and utter lack of interest in being a ruler? Or Corvo’s failings as a Spymaster (like seriously dude, how did you not know how any of this shit was going on, so much of it was an open secret). But she barely gets called out on her disinterest in ruling and IIRC Corvo pretty much gets away scot-free with not doing his job. 

Or maybe I’ve just gotten it wrong. I study computer science. Media criticism is way outside my wheelhouse and so maybe I’ve grossly misinterpreted what this game was going for. But the one thing I’m absolutely, 100% certain about is that this game shouldn’t have been about Corvo and Emily.

Even back when we started getting details about Corvo and Emily, I was a bit...iffy about the whole thing. Their stories wrapped up pretty nicely in the first game. “Emily lived to be a wise, just ruler and things were good” or “Emily is a Murder Empress”. The end. And now suddenly it’s not. I hate it when sequels override the endings to previous concluded arcs, and I think there needs to be good justification for doing it. Arkane didn’t do a good job of it and after the wet hork of spit they lobbed at Daud’s arc in Death of the Outsider it seems to be a problem they have. Their story was completely concluded in the first game. No sequel hooks. This game shouldn’t have been about them.

I feel like Arkane were trying to tell a story about corruption and the decay and damage caused by simple human greed, but felt like they had to shoehorn in Corvo and Emily or we’d lose interest. I think the game would have made way more sense with someone from Karnaca’s underclass as the protagonist, maybe a Mindy Blanchard type. Maybe her plan to craft the Mark works, or maybe the Outsider gives her a little push and then she foils the conspiracy to bring Delilah back, kind of like The Brigmore Witches, except Delilah doesn’t actually come back. The main villian in this game could just be people’s appetite for corruption and Emily’s apathy. 

I don’t know. It’s too late for any of that kind of speculation. My faith in Arkane took a huge hit with the one-two of Dishonored 2 and DOTO. It makes me optimistic that Dishonored 3 would have a completely different protagonist, but I’m not going to be blindly trusting, like I was after Brigmore.

#dishonored meta #dishonored 2 #i have never expressed so many thoughts about a thing in one place #and i have a few more thoughts too but i feel like theyre even more subjective than these

[feralhogs]

Questions 1, 2, skip a few, 99 100! ANSWER THEM ALL!!!!!!

LETS DO THIS

99 gay-ish asks

how tall are you?5 SOMETHING

what is your body type?SLENDERMAN

what is your favorite part about your body?THE T

is your current hair color your natural hair color?YES

are you more outgoing or more shy?SHY

are you more femme or butch?ITS COMPLICATED, BUT, BUTCH

are you tol or smol?APPARENTLY IM TWINK. NOT SURE WHERE THAT IS ON THIS SCALE

wine mom or vodka aunt?NO

weird habit?I EAT BREAKFAST FOOD AT ANY HOUR

favorite meme?VIBE CHECK, IM SMUG ABOUT MY URL

do you sing in the shower?NO BUT I USED TO. JUST SHY ABOUT ROOMMATES. I DO IN MY CAR

ever used a bow and arrow?NO, BUT MY BROTHER DESIGNED AND BUILT ONE, GOT IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING A WEAPON

are/were you a theatre kid?IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN EGO, YES

have you ever seen a broadway musical?NO

do you think musicals are cheesy?NO I THINK THEYRE JUST A MEDIUM OF ART

have you ever been a part of a protest or a march?NO WEIRDLY

favorite Cards Against Humanity Card?IDK THEM

last movie you watched?PROBABLY MEGEAMIND

behind the camera or in front of it?BEHIND. BUT BOTH IS GOOD

favorite tv show?AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

meaning behind your urlTHE ACTUAL REASON IS IT REMINDS ME I CAN TRUST MY INTUITION

reason you joined tumblrA CRUSH WROTE IN MY YEARBOOK I SHOULD GET IT. DONT WRITE THAT IN PEOPLES YEARBOOKS

who’s your closest tumblr friend?THE PERSON ASKING ME 99 QUESTIONS

what’s something most people love that you hate?TACOS AT WORK. THEYRE POPULAR OF COURSE. I MAY NOT KNOW MY TACOS, BUT PLAIN RAW CABBAGE ON THEM MAKES ME DOUBT

have you ever taken narcotics?NO

have you had sex?NO

have you ever gotten caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?I DONT GET CAUGHT!!!! IM SO SNEAKY… AND TRAUMATIZED. I ONLY GOT CAUGHT WHEN PEOPLE WERE LIKE, HUNTING ME. NOT FAIR. ALSO HOW DO YOU “GET CAUGHT” FOR DOING NORMAL THINGS LIKE READING AND HAVING CLOTHES

worst/funniest lie you’ve ever told?PROBABLY THE REASSURING CHRISTIAN VALUES THINGS I TOLD MY PARENTS TO GET MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST BECAUSE FOR SOMEONE INCONVENIENTLY TRUTHFUL, THAT WAS SOME PRETTY HARDCORE LYING IN A RIDICULOUS SITUATION, AND THE WORST BECAUSE WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAVE TO DO. IT WAS HORRIBLE BECAUSE I WAS SO CONVINCING BECAUSE I MIXED IT WITH THE TRUTH I COULD SINCERELY EXPRESS

describe your passion without mentioning it.HEY GUYS IM WRITING CHAPTER 1 AGAIN I THINK I FIGURED IT OUT THIS TIME

describe your best friend.WARM STRONG RESILIENT UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING KINDLY HONEST CREATIVE TALENTED BRAVE HARDWORKING BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL NURTURING SELF CONFIDENT

give us one thing about you that no one knows.NO ONE KNOWS THE GRITTY DETAILS OF SOME SAD MOMENTS IN MY PAST. DID YOU KNOW I HATE THE SMELL OF HOSPITAL FOOD FROM WHEN I VISITED A FAMILY MEMBER IN A PSYCH WARD

how do you feel right now?GOOD, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO BED THOUGH

what is your biggest fear?BREAKING SELF HARM STREAK

what’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?SING A SONG EARTH WIND AND FIRE

what is the best decision you’ve made in your life so far?LEAVING MY PARENTS. ITS TAKEN ME AGES TO UNLEARN SO MUCH SELF-DEFEATING STUFF

have you ever tried your hardest and then been disappointed in the end?MOSTLY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE BUT IM CHILL

something you fantasize about.ACTUALLY DANCING TO MUSIC I LIKE. I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO DANCE BUT I WANT TO SFM

last time you cried and whyTHAT PREACHER GUY IN LUCIFER. IT SUCKED BUT IM SO BLOWN AWAY BY LUCIFERS ANGRY YELLING AT THE SKY. WHAT A GIANT MOOD

what was the last thing that made you laugh?MY SISTER ASKING ME WHAT DILF MEANT

do you really, truly miss someone right now?NO. IF I MISS SOMEONE, ITS A SIGN THEY WERE A BAG OF DICKS TO ME AND MESSED UP MY INNER CLARITY

who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?YOU

the last time you felt broken?WHEN MY TWO FRIENDS AT THE TIME GANGED UP ON ME AND ABANDONED ME AT A NOT PRETTY TIME IN MY LIFE. I COULDNT EAT WHICH AND I STILL STRUGGLE WITH EATING, I NEVER USED TO

are you starting to realize anything?THAT IF I RELY ON MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, ILL EXPECT TO FAIL AND SABOTAGE MYSELF, AND INSTEAD I NEED TO TAKE RISKS AND PUT FAITH IN MY FUTURE.

are you more dominant or more submissive?THERES EVIDENCE FOR BOTH, BUT I THINK THE LATTER IS JUST FROM ABUSE AND GIRL RULES

i’ll only date you if _____. (fill in the blank)WASH YOUR HANDS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

do you prefer to date people the same age as you, younger, or older?AROUND MY AGE THERE IS SOME UNDERSTANDING

describe the person you’re in love with/have a crush on in great detail.IM NOT IN LOVE I DONT EVEN HAVE A CRUSH. I MAY HAVE A SQUISH

do you have any kinks?MAYBE SO

first thing you notice in a person?HOW THEY HANDLE STRESS AND PROBLEMS, IF THEY BLAME/GET ANGRY, OR IF THEY ARE COMPASSIONATE AND PATIENT. LOOKING FOR RED FLAGS

how can someone win your heart?FOOD. CHEESECAKE WAS A POWER MOVE. BONDING… OVER FOOD. I HAVE HAPPY MEMORIES ATTACHED TO BEVERAGES.

been rejected by a crush?YES

have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?YES

would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?NO

is trust a big issue for you?YES

did you hang out with the person you like recently?NO

is confidence cute?YES, SELF LOVE LOOKS GOOD ON PEOPLE

what would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?GOOD FOR THEM. I DONT LIKE ANYONE RIGHT NOW

would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?NO. GIGGLING LIKE A LUNATIC IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY LIFE AND YOU NEED TO KEEP UP

does the person you have feelings for right now know you do?IF THEYRE FEELINGS, PROBABLY, BECAUSE IM TRANSPARENT

ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?IVE HAD MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED FOR MY FTM TRANSITION

do you want to get marriedYEAH WHEN IM FIFTY THEN ILL GET A BUNCH OF DOGS AND CATS AND CHICKENS

worst thing you’ve ever done?APPARENTLY IVE BORROWED BOOKS AND NEVER RETURNED THEM

three things that turn you on.IM GOING THRU PUBERTY 2, TEENAGE BOY EDITION, IT DOESNT TAKE MUCH

who do you hate?I DONT LIKE SUCH SIMPLE CATEGORIES, BUT I START TO FEEL HATRED WITH REPEATED CRUELTY/WHEN SOMEONE REFUSES TO HEAR ME

favorite term of endearment?MY FRIEND

who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?I DIDNT REALLY HAVE TVS/POP CULTURE GROWING UP LIKE MOST PEOPLE, PROBABLY FOUND IT IN CREATIVE WRITING

intimidating girls or kind girls?KIND

what do you look for in a possible partner?EQUALITY

do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?YES

are you good at flirting?PERHAPS. WHEN IM NOT THINKING ABOUT IT

who was the first person you came out to?I DONT ACTUALLY REMEMBER. A HIGH SCHOOL FRIEND. IT WAS A STRESSFUL COMPLICATED TIME, MY WORLD WAS UPSIDE DOWN, IT WAS GRADUAL

do you have any friends who are wlw?PROBABLY

is your crush wlw?IDK

last person to make you reconsider your sexuality?A DOUCHE CANOE UNFORTUNATELY

write a short love poem to your crush/self?DEAR PERSON,THANK YOU FOR THE CHEESECAKEIT WAS SO GOODBUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WAS FROM YOU

do you fall in love easily?NO. I WISH I DID. I COULD USE THE HIGH TO GET STUFF DONE

is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?I HATE TALKING ABOUT THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL HUMILIATED AND ASHAMED, SO I JUST DONT. I ALSO HATE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW HOW. AM I GOING TO TRIGGER PEOPLE? AND IT IS SHROUDED IN SHAME AND FEAR.

are you good at hiding your feelings?YES, WHEN I CONSCIOUSLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO

are you a forgiving person?NO. I USED TO BE ALL ABOUT FORGIVENESS, AND GREW UP FORGIVING ABUSIVE CYCLES, IT WAS SO UNHEALTHY. NOW I FEEL LIKE A CROW HOLDING GRUDGES FOR CENTURIES, AND I DONT WANT TO BE BITTER EITHER – I OFTEN FEEL BAD FOR NOT FORGIVING, EVEN IF ITS JUST FORGIVENESS FOR MY OWN SAKE. BUT ITS A NEW DEVELOPMENT THAT IM ALLOWING MYSELF TO FEEL ANGRY, BE TRUTHFUL ABOUT BEING WRONGED, WANT JUSTICE FOR MYSELF. AND MAYBE SOME THINGS SHOULDNT BE FORGIVEN.

what is your “type?”I DONT KNOW. I RECENTLY STARTED GROWING SOME SELF WORTH, AND I DONT THINK THE PEOPLE IVE SOUGHT OUT TO RELIVE MY PAIN COUNTS

fall asleep in her arms or rub her back until she falls asleep in yours?LAST ONE

tall girls or short girls?BOTH IS GOOD

hugs or kisses?HUGS

twirl her around or get twirled?I WANNA TWIRL PEOPLE

tummy kisses or thigh kisses?BOTH

hairline kisses or neck kisses?NECK

play with her hair or stroke her tummy?PLAYING WITH HAIR

making out or soft kisses?MAKING OUT

hugs around the neck or hugs around the waist?WAIST

how confident are you in your sexuality?I THINK PEOPLE WOULD ASSUME IM NOT. IM SHY, AND MY NERDY CHRISTIAN VIBE ISNT GOING ANYWHERE. IM ALSO JUST BEGINNING TO LIVE AS MYSELF AND IM RELEARNING EVERYTHING. BUT WHEN IT COMES TO REALLY KNOWING MYSELF IM CONFIDENT

when you like someone do you blush or get butterflies in your stomach?NO. I WILL START CRANKING OUT ART AND FOCUS LESS THAN USUAL

have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them?YES

how old were you when you realized you were into girls?20ISH BUT THE SIGNS WERE THERE LONG BEFORE

most embarrassing thing you’ve done in front of a cute girl?I GOT MY EMBARRASSMENT GLANDS REMOVED REMEMBER

do you have a favorite lesbian ship? is it canon?I DONT KNOW MANY BUT IM HAPPY FOR THE CANON MARCELINE AND BUBBLEGUM

what is the most aggravating thing someone has said to you about your sexuality?MY SISTER PROJECTING ABOUT HER LIFE. WE HAVE CONSERVATIVE MISOGYNIST PARENTS BUT WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT PEOPLE AND IT DID NOT AFFECT US IN THE SAME WAY

when was the last time a girl made your heart flutter?I FEEL LIKE IM FORGETTING SOMETHING NICE A STRANGER SAID ONCE

what is love to you?NOT SOMETHING YOU DISPENSE AT YOUR CONVENIENCE. ITS A WAY OF LIVING – IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF, YOU LOVE OTHER PEOPLE, AND YOU LOVE THE WORLD AROUND YOU AND TAKE CARE OF IT. ITS NEITHER FAWNING NOR CONTROL – ITS ACCEPTANCE

ask me anything.YOU DIDNT ASK ME ANYTHING SO IM JUST GOING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. IVE BEEN EATING POPCORN CHICKEN WITH HONEY

#zee5tarbug #asks #chatty tag #I DID IT

[msbeccieboo]

Arrow 7x17 brain dump

So, this week’s episode was ok. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. I had expected to not really be fussed by this week’s offering and as such wasn’t deeply disappointed. I really missed my Olicity babies in this episode though. The upside of the episode being a bit meh, is that this review didn’t take me 57 years to write, which whilst sick, was a bonus haha!!

Olicity

Olicity weren’t the focus of this episode, but we still managed to get some cute little moments and touches thrown in there. Felicity’s praise when Oliver came back to the lair looking like a prize fighter, was too cute! I love how smitten she still is with him even after all this time, and how bashful and blushing and gorgeous he gets in response is just 😍😍

Source: olicitygifs

We also got a lovely little comfort scene once Oliver realised that Emiko was in fact evil (shocker, I know). Felicity cupping Oliver’s face whilst stroking her baby belly was so damned adorable!!

Source: oliverxfelicity

Continued under the cut

Oliver

Oliver being so open and trusting and just happy to be training with Emiko was so lovely and so heartbreaking because you just knew she would let him down. He mentioned Thea (yay!) and said that she’d always wanted a sister 😭😭 Why does this leave me feeling like Thea is gonna come back and try and kill Emiko??

I also loved seeing Oliver telling people the truth straight up, when asked how he knew about Emiko, listening to Dig’s advice (if not his wife’s) and just being an all-round hopeful bean!!  The growth he shows is amazing, it’s just a shame that his hope and faith in his sister didn’t pay off. He so badly wants to be in her life, to help her be good, and in turn redeem the Queen family name in her eyes. His line “If I abandon her now I’m no better than my father” just made me so sad. His parents were so important to him he wants them redeemed, so in turn it can redeem him too (not that he needs it). I don’t think he does, or will, find out just how much of a shitty Dad Robert was to Emiko, which is a shame, as I think it would give him some peace that some things just cannot be redeemed and that it isn’t a reflection on him. He had such faith in Emiko being good, he still didn’t think of her at first when he found the signal jammer in the lair. Even now I think he will continue trying to bring her back, despite Dig’s advice and reminder that sometimes evil siblings are just evil siblings 😂 I hope this isn’t foreshadowing Oliver having to kill Emiko like Dig did with Andy?

Bonus: Oliver shooting all the drones was so damn hot 🔥🔥

Source: legends-of-today

Felicity

Our girl didn’t have a huge role this week, but what we did get was fabulous! Felicity’s little pep talk to herself at the beginning of the episode about having it all was too adorable for words! 

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

We got to see the beginnings of Smoak Technologies, along with the first name drop of the company I think? I love that she brought Alena in to be CTO, she gets to have a friend in her company that won’t try and mansplain everything to her at last!! Alena’s reaction is all of us!

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

It was so nice to see her back as Overwatch on the comms, and just generally people being back in the lair! We even got a couple of OTA moments! I loved her “computers will never replace people” line too!

Bonus: Felicity being cute in the lair gives me life!

Source: ebett

Emiko/Robert

This was really Emiko’s villain origin episode. We saw her as a child being evicted and abandoned by Robert, who yet again, proves to be the scum of the earth, and the true villain of the entire series. Upon overhearing that Robert was kicking them out of their home and would no longer support them, the only words of comfort he had for her were “Life isn’t fair, we don’t always get what we want”…Robert Queen was a prize dick!! His reasons for abandoning his family? Moira will take his company, money and kids if he doesn’t. GTFO you philandering old bastard, you made your bed…lie in it! Ugh he was the actual worst!

So as a penniless and possibly homeless 11 year old in Starling City, Emiko naturally turns to a life of crime in order to support her and her mother when she meets Dante. (For the record, I found the younger Emiko far more compelling to watch than the adult version 😬) Dante evidently enrols her into the Ninth Circle, who present her with a gift, as her final induction…the plans to blow up the Queen’s Gambit. She goes back to Robert with a business plan for a new subsidiary of Queen Consolidated, a chance to prove herself to her family and earn some money, and despite the solid plan, Robert wants nothing to do with it, telling her that QC is Oliver’s legacy and that she needs to remain a secret, before leaving her again for his trip on the Gambit. Crestfallen and angry, she doesn’t show him the plans and lets him leave to meet his fate.  The horrible irony here is that Emiko would have failed the Ninth Circle’s ‘test’ and saved Robert/Oliver/Sara, had Robert not been such a massive douchenozzle.

I like that they managed to link everything with Emiko back to the Gambit, and they did so without retconning. Malcolm still had the yacht sabotaged, but it looks like he did it via the Ninth Circle.  The big ‘twist’ we see at the end of the episode is that Emiko is now, in fact, the leader of the Ninth Circle, not Dante, and as such appears to be the season’s Big Bad. Part of me is like yaaaasss female Big Bad woohoo! But then the way it has come about has been lacklustre to say the least, and we weren’t given the time (or the writing) to get to like Emiko in order to actually care or feel the impact or shock value of her turning on Oliver. Instead we’re just all left feeling a bit meh.

Emiko still seems to have a soft spot for Rene (someone has to I guess) and with both of them being Oliver/Team Arrow traitors, they make a good fit 😜  We also found out that she still hasn’t found her mother’s killer. Maybe if Oliver could help her solve her mother’s murder and Rene keeps making eyes at her she will come back round to the good side??? Doubtful haha, but just a suggestion. The season’s theme is redemption after all!

Black Siren

Whilst Oliver is at home, preparing dinner for wifey (adorbs), he gets a visit from an injured Laurel, looking for Felicity. Instead, she tells Oliver about Emiko killing Diaz, and not being as squeaky clean as he thinks. This, as to be expected, leads to a confrontation between the two, which is interesting, because we all know that Laurel is telling the truth. When accused of having a blind spot for his family, Oliver hits back with “it’s called loyalty, I know that’s a concept you don’t totally understand”. Burn. Their scenes are so much better when they are open in their dislike for each other! Much as I have enjoyed Felicity and BS friendship this season, the petty bitch in me still laughs at Oliver’s clear disdain for her…he didn’t even help her with her wound, just gave her some supplies and left her to it 😂😂 He ‘helps’ her here purely for Felicity’s sake, which is lovely though!

Next, Dinah gets on her arse about doing things by the book, which ordinarily I would agree with, but Dinah is a vigilante herself! And although they are now sanctioned by the SCPD, Dinah has herself coerced witnesses, stolen evidence and violated the law in about a dozen other ways in her pursuit of justice.  This is the premise of the show people! The hypocrisy is real! BS is just a little further behind on her journey than Dinah. Dinah later accuses BS of killing the gangster guy (I wasn’t really paying attention to who he was), bringing up her killing Vinnie, which immediately gets her back up. BS says that she has earned the benefit of the doubt, which I agree with to an extent. Dinah then effectively washes her hands of her.

I can empathise with BS for trying to do the right thing, and not being believed/trusted by anyone. I think it was intentional to not see a scene with her and Felicity this week, so as to keep her feeling isolated, whereas Felicity would have believed/reassured her. Felicity even defended her in the bunker to Rene. The episode finishes up with Emiko ‘outing’ her to the press, and ‘setting her free’ to be evil again. This will all set up her apparent return to her evil roots next week. I think she will ultimately end up being redeemed. We know (I think we know?) she is leaving for good after next week’s episode, so hopefully she will go back off to Earth 2 or something like that to become Black Canary there, and she can take all her little comic book friends with her, and everyone will be happy!

Other stuff

The drone attack in this episode was a practice run. Is this sarin gas attack going to be the thing that brings down the city, and causes it to turn on Oliver and the team?

Was the episode synopsis written whilst on crack?? I know we all laughed a little bit when we first saw how it was worded, but after watching the episode it was literally nothing like what actually happened??

Why on earth did they bring in Highlander, just for him to end up being Emiko’s lackey?? It’s like Cayden James/Michael Emerson being usurped by Diaz all over again!

Source: arrowdaily

I miss the flash-forwards!! I need me some Mia/William/Felicity goodness now please!!!

Anyway thank you as always to the gifmakers. Fabulous work as ever! 💗

#Arrow #Arrow 7x17 #arrow season 7 #Olicity #beccie's brain

[mallorytaylorblog]

How to manifest like a boss.

I’m a big believer in manifestation. In all areas of life we have the ability to call in what we so desire. The catch of this is, due to our natural inclination to be self critical, judgemental, and all round bullies to ourselves (thanks, social conditioning!) we have become masters at calling in the things which we don’t desire, and most of us are completely unaware. I want to share with you the three things I think are the keys to powerful manifestation.

First of all have you ever heard the phrase ‘what you focus on, expands’? I’d wager if you haven’t been living under a rock you probably have. Well, this phrase is one I like to keep in the front of my mind because if I’ve learned anything about manifestation, ‘The Secret”, and the Law of Attraction, is that it’s absolutely true. What we focus on is exactly what we bring about in our lives - in both the perceived negative and positive senses.

Manifestation is a skill we can all harness and it can be used across every facet of our lives. Let me give you an anecdote from my relationships. Before I got together with my current partner Nick (for the second time actually) I dated so many people who were emotionally unavailable. They were passionate flings that started off fast and ended just as rapidly, full of magnetism and bursting with chemistry. I kept meeting the same type of emotionally distant, non committal, no-strings-attached kind of guy, and deep down I thought I could “win them over”, woo them with everything amazing about me and suddenly they’d be keen as a bean to commit - right what I wanted! - but every single one of these passionate encounters fizzled out by way of ghosting or in an angry, tear stained crying mess. I persisted through so much resistance and at the end of it all I’d be left feeling lonely and pretty sorry for myself - as every fling ended I found myself asking “WHY DOESN’T ANYONE WANT TO BE WITH ME?!” Totally desperate stuff.

Let me tell you the truth. And this was a crappy lesson for me to learn. I was actively repelling the amazing qualities I craved in others because I had not yet owned them in myself. I’d been single for years but sat with this belief that dudes only wanted sex from me and that no one really valued me enough to consider a relationship with me. What do you think I attracted? Yep, you guessed it. Desperation is a stinky cologne.

One of the keys to manifestation is loving yourself first. Our relationships are our biggest cosmic assignments and are mirrors to show us what we need to address within ourselves. And we will keep encountering the same assignment (in my case the same type of doo doo flings) until we learn the lesson it’s trying to teach us.

I wanted deep love. But was I deeply loving myself first? I wanted loyalty and commitment. But was I being loyal to my Truth and wholly committed to myself? I wanted someone to honour me and love me for exactly who I was. But was I willingly to love others exactly as they were, without judgement?

The answer to all those questions was a firm NO.

Was I setting firm boundaries on what acceptable love was, or was I letting whoever was willing to get close to me dictate the way the relationship ran its course? You bet I was willing to throw myself at the first dude that gave me puppy dog eyes because I was so desperate for this idea of a dream relationship I created for myself that I was unable to set myself firm boundaries on healthy love. I hadn’t owned any of those amazing partner qualities in myself first so honestly I didn’t even know what healthy love looked like, and in addition to that I was looking externally for someone to fill the gaps I felt in myself. I was emotionally unavailable, so naturally that’s the only type of person I was able to manifest. It was a massive mirror that took me way too long to notice, and I did NOT like what I saw once I did. Does any of this sound familiar?

When it comes to manifesting the universe (or source, God, our higher power, the Divine, whatever you want to call it) needs to know you’re safe and reliable to work with. Have you ever tried to work on a project or complete a task with a Debby Downer or Negative Nancy? It’s painful and can feel like you’re dragging a dead weight - no thank you! Someone who is clear on what they want and is willing to take action towards achieving that goal with a positive mindset is SO much easier to work with! And the universe wants to work with you, she absolutely has your back. But make no mistake, manifesting does require some level of work - the universe needs to see you’re willing to make the effort for the things you desire. Once I committed to myself and put in the work the universe had my back and presented me my Nick - he mirrored all the qualities I wanted in a relationship because I’d worked hard to own them in myself first. I think a lot of people, especially when the Law of Attraction and “The Secret” became popular, seemed to gloss over this fact; it’s not as easy as simply wishing, praying and visualising something into existence, you have to put in the work too.

So that’s the second key to manifestation; putting in the work. Yep, sorry. You’ll have to do more than just say ‘yes!’ and hope you get what you want, some level of effort is required. When it comes to things like money and career we can absolutely manifest our dream job, our dream salary, or perhaps become a successful entrepreneur if that’s what our soul desires. But I’m not going to become a doctor just by doing my nightly meditation and hoping that someone will hand me a PhD. I need to do the work required to reach my dream career. In my relationships the effort required to attract my partner came down to me taking a massive interest in my own self care and working HARD on finding ways to truly love myself. It required a mammoth amount of effort. But the love we give is equal to the love we receive, and let me tell you it was absolutely worth all the discomfort.

The last key to epic manifestation is believing. This takes a certain amount of trust, which can feel very “fake it until you make it”. I mean, you have to trust that something is going to occur or show up for you without any tangible evidence that it will be so? Massive leap of faith, especially when dealing with matters of great importance. But if you really want to get the things you desire, absolute surrender and a knowing that everything you want is at your fingertips is what it takes. That knowing is a whole body feeling and this too requires practice. One way you can measure that feeling is to take a good hard look at the things you currently focus on. Are your thoughts and belief systems negatively or positively geared? Do you subscribe to the shitty and unhelpful stories your past experiences have told you about money, relationships, and your self worth, or have you recognised the beliefs you grew up with may not necessarily be yours and can be changed to support the narrative you want to engage in? Our emotions are messages to and from the universe, and tapping into this whole body feeling will tell you how supportive of your soul truths those belief systems really are.

When it comes to relationships, what do you hinge your self worth on? Do you believe all women are gold diggers, or men are only in it for the sex? What were the relationships you observed like when you were growing up? When it comes to the self, what is your inner dialogue like? Are you compassionate, loving and kind with yourself? Do you practice self care? What’s your relationship with food and exercise like? What media/books/music/news do you consume? How’s your ego? When it comes to money and career, what are the stories you tell yourself about money? Do you have an abundance or a scarcity mindset? Are you doing work that fulfills you or drains you of your energy? Do you feel passionate going to work every day? Are you taking steps towards living your dream career? Do you hoard money, have good investing habits, or do you spend it when you get it?

The things we believe and assign value to provide the guidelines the universe works with in order to bring about what we focus on. Surrendering to belief systems that don’t serve you is like trying to travel cross country while looking at a map without your glasses on - taking charge of your values and beliefs brings you the 20/20 vision needed so you can follow the path you’re destined to be on.

Being crystal clear on the things you want, believing wholeheartedly you’re destined to achieve them, and taking action towards making it a reality is what it takes to manifest your dream life. If there’s one important thing to remember in addition to all of this, it’s that you must let go of how you think it’s all going to turn out. Being firm on the way you want things to go will limit opportunities for it to happen in other, perhaps quicker and more beautiful, unexpected ways, and will only lead to disappointment when it doesn’t go exactly how you planned. The parable of the drowning man is an example of this - a man was stranded on his roof after a tidal wave crashed through and flooded his village. Soon a man in a rowboat came by and shouted to the man on the roof, “Jump in, I can save you.” The man shouted back, “No, it’s okay, I’m praying to God and he’s going to save me.” So the rowboat went on. Then a motorboat came by. The man in the motorboat shouted, “Jump in, I can save you.” To this the stranded man said, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the motorboat went on. Then a helicopter came by and the pilot shouted down, "Grab this rope and I will lift you to safety.” To this the stranded man again replied, “No thanks, I’m praying to God and he is going to save me. I have faith.” So the helicopter reluctantly flew away. Soon the water rose above the rooftop and the man drowned. When he went to Heaven he finally got his chance to discuss this whole situation with God, at which point he exclaimed, “I had faith in you but you didn’t save me, you let me drown. I don’t understand why!” To this God replied, “I sent you a rowboat and a motorboat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?”

The man was so firm in the ways he expected his saving to happen that he missed every other opportunity to be saved. Be fluid in the way you allow things to happen and enjoy the journey.

Going after the things you want in life requires balls and it requires practice. Let’s have a conversation. If you’d like to talk about epic manifestation and ways you can start to implement the three keys message me on my socials and let’s chat about it. I want to hear what you’re all striving for and if I can support, you bet your butts I want to help in any way that’s meaningful to you.

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#manifest #manifestation #spirituality #personal development #self development #gratitude #blogger #blog post #conscious living #the m word blog