onceuponatimealittlekid

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

Letter to my younger self

Dear Myself,

It's been a while since you've been on Tumblr. Years actually. I just want to make you know some things that happened in your life, 'cause after finding again your credential to tumblr and after reading some of our post of 5 years ago I felt the need to write this letter to you.

I cried reading those post. I felt pain, a new kind of pain.

I remember very well how it used to feel when depression and anxiety and selfharm were such a big part of our life. Yes, I used the past sense. Let me tell you some things that happened in last few years.

You kept on going to therapy but eventually on 2020 you stopped 'cause your salary got littler. What happened to the job at the hotel in the office? Well, they changed position for you from reservation clerk to receptionist on night shifts of 12 hours. Oh and all of that 'cause at the beginning of 2020 a pandemic started. Yeah, hard to believe...right?

In the mean time three important things happened: -your roomates left to go back to italy. -you moved in another house where another friend was living and you had a good time with him. -You adopted a cat, excluding out the idea to go back to therapy. But yes, you adopted a little cute black kitten and his name is Angel.

You changed house twice more before quitting your job and Malta and going back to Italy with that friend.

in 2021 you moved to Messina and you found a flat with your best friend and with Angel and also her cat. You started University again! You started studying for a postgraduate degree in journalism.

You found another job and it helped you financially (you started therapy again) for 10 months so you studied and worked for 10 months on your own. (After getting fired you had to give up on therapy one more time).

You got fired last march moved back to your hometown living with your toxic parents ( who gots worse somehow with all that disinformations on vaccines during Covid-19 and p.s they still don't know you are fully vaccineted lol).

Right now you're focusing all your energy on studying journalism.

I have to say that it's been tough. You're gonna still face toughs times. New depressive episodes, new panick attacks for all different reasons and yes, you will relapse on self harm too from time to time. You will lose friends, some forever, some you will find them back. You will lose to death a few others important people too during 2021 . You will try to see Green Day again but, for the first time ever, you will give up on them selling your ticket. 'cause of financial problems.

But... in all honesty, those money you spent on yourself in therapy both in Malta and Messina, were the best spent ever. That and deciding to adopt a kitty, which is now your main reason to live.

You will find new friends, you will learn from your mistakes, you will smile more, laugh more, enjoy life more and thinkin lesser and lesser about depression and ending your life. You will fall in love more with life day by day. So.. it DOES get better.

You're not healed. I think we can never be completaly healed when it's about a mental disorder but you know now how to copy with it better. It's still a struggle and it's hard and we're are a work in progress and that's okay. You will learn how to be kinder to yourself.

You will fall in love with new songs, new series and you will never stop writing and actually you will open an instagram account (@writishpenlife) where you're gonna share your new poems. Writing will always be the solutions for you and that's never gonna change.

Dear younger self, I'm so happy you didn't give up on your wrost moments and I was there, I know how tempted you were. I know how dark and scary was that place we were in and sometimes I'm so scared to go back in there but then I think that if we did it once, twice, we can do it a third time till forever and ever.

The future is still uncertain and I must confess, I still have no idea what our dream job will be and I confess that I'm going where my heart is taking us to. I'm taking life day by day and right now it is working. I want us to be happy. So, I don't know where our future self will be but I'm sure it will be somewhere happy. Maybe... to that place we will call home with our little kitten. (Which by the way...he's now two years old, can you believe that?? Time pass freaking fast).

Thank you once again for not giving up on life.

With love,

your future self.

#mental disorder #mental illness #mentalwellness #mentalhealth #recovery #therapy #boundaries #letter to myself #depression #self harm #self love #self destruction #self improvement #anxiety #panick attack #my writing #my words #green day #my life #hope #hopeful #existence #mentalhealthawereness

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

The countdown to the new year makes me always so anxious.

2018 is been well... Okay (?). Overall I mean. I've been through so much that I'm surprised I actually made it to 2019.

Moving out at the end 2017 was the biggest challenge of my life. It followed a 2018 full of depression episodes, bad self harm, loneliness, panick attacks and big fights against my family. But the wrost is been seeing my grandmother dying. One of the person I loved most in my life.

I still think I didn't fully recover from her death. Too busy coming back to Malta and moving out again from my toxic brother and living with one of my best friends.

So, good stuff? I made it. I survived. No members of my family under the same roof. I live with one of my best friend ( and her boyfriend apparently but still a better situation compared to what I had before ). I started therapy. I published a short stories in a queer anthology. I read two of my poems if front of a public with a great success. I made a few new friends but the most beautiful thing happened last year is been me travelling to Amsterdam and seeing Dan&Phil in interactive introverts. And still Van Gogh museum and the cat cabinet and that beautiful city.

Dan&Phil have been my constantly font of happiness during 2018 and I cannot be more greatfull.

I'm not sure what 2019 will bring to me. I'm kinda afraid as always of the unknown but I want more writing, more happiness in my life. It will be hard, I still have some depressive episodes and it still feels like nothing is worth it but if I look back in the right moment, I can see by myself that everything I did last year was great. It was a big change for the better.

And as years pass by I still follow the same philosophy Green Day taught me: being myself. The same encouragement Dan keep telling us: get better, change what you don't like and be happy.

Everything with a touch of Phil's philosophy: try new things.

Because it's trying new things that you can understand what's better for you.

And I hope my grandma will watch me and guide me from above.

Happy 2019 to everyone who will read this post and especially to myself 'cause I Deserve it.

#mental health #mental illness #depression #dystimia #anxiety disorders #panic attack #selfharm #2018 recap #new year #happy new year #ace spectrum #writing #poems #my life #green day #dan howell #danisnotonfire #phil lester #amazingphil #ii #interactive introverts #amsterdam #travelling #goodbye #loss #loss of a loved one #grandma i loved you so much and i still do #thanks for coming to my ted talk #thanks for reading

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

So much going on lately. I'm not sure I can do it, I'm not sure I can handle vthe consequences of this change. Why my parents have to make things more complicated?

So much going on. I can't let myself think about all the bad stuff happened and all the bad stuff that will happen in the next few weeks. How much can I still hold on?

My mind goes in dark places and I'm afraid to go back in that black hole of deep depression and desire of selfarm. I can't take care of myself. I'm so bad at it.

I just wish to have someone who can help me taking care of myself here. Someone who actually truly cares. Someone who loves me. I just wish I could feel something for someone as well. Like.. falling in love for the first time. I'm 26. I never fell in love and I think i'm missing something big in my life. Not actually the sexual acts itself but more the feeling, the heart racing, the blushing, the wthdoihavetodo/say...

I know I'm in the ace spectrum. And I'm okay with it. I just want to fall in love and being loved according to what I feel comfortable.

#personal #depression #selfharm #mental health #mental illness #mental disorder #ace #asexuality #asexual #greysexual #ace spectrum #love #life

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

Looking for Freedom

The sound of silence

Echoing in my heart,

A silent melody

Which embrace this emptiness.

Weak beating of my heart,

Sweating to achieve something

To free myself and trasforming

In a butterfly;

The freedom I seek

Is the freedom of being myself,

And I sit here,

Behind a screen,

With a mask, surrounded

By the music of different

Languages around,

All people I don't know

And whom they don't know me.

I'm searching with my eyes

Some help that doesn't arrive,

A pleading stare

To people who don't

See and recognize

The prison I'm inside.

#poetry #poem #my writing #writers #my writings #writing #my works #art #bad art #my art #searching for freedom #freedom #life #trapped #help #suffering #mental health

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

I’m not sure I want to go through all the stuff happened yesterday with this post. But I think somehow I need it. 

My mother knows about my mental illness. She knows about depression and selfharm. I told her the reason I want to move out from my brother is because I feel like shit everyday. 

Was she supportive? No, not at all. She started to say I am fake, I’ve been lying to her this whole time. She told me that if I was open about then she would have done something different, like yelling to me less and what the fuck. She told me it’s not a good reason to leave my brother and that these kind of things need to be solved in the family. She told me I’m not seeing a good therapist because my therapist says that I need to move out from my brother. She told me I’m killing her right now and I’m destroying the family. She basically said everything is my fault.

Probably she told me something else but I dont remember right now. 

The thing that pops to my mind most is that “If I only knew I could have done something differently”

I just want to talk about this. She told me she didn’t have a clue what was going on in my mind all these years. Not. A. Clue. When all the signs where just there in front of her, anger, me crying, me being sad most of the rime when I was at home. Me not having the interest in doing something, anything. Me using series tv like escapism from reality. 

She said to me “yeah, but a lot of teens are angry and stuff like that. I thought it was because you were going through that phase in life” 

Well, I moved out from that house last october. I was 25. Teens are till 19/20, I’m not a teen anymore and still all the signs, even worse lately, were there. 

When I told her if she remember that the doctor said I was suffering from anxiety disorder, she acted like it was nothing. She replied with “I didn’t think it was so serious. I’m going through a lot I never went to a therapist”

And do you really expect from me to tell you all the stuff in my mind after that?

She acted like she was the only one hurting again. When I reminded her all those time she actually said that depression doesnt’ exist and anxiety is overrecting she denied all of that. Wow, NOW you’re denying everything. 

My point is: Stop blaming the victim from mental illness for NOT reaching out to you when you’ve been acting like shit and instead open your fucking eyes when all the signs are in front of you. Because, you know what? Stop saying people don’t know about it so how they could possible know. It’s not like that. We have internet if you’re smart enough you can easly notice that some things about a person are off. EDUCATE YOURSELF. If you see a person crying most of the time, or being angry most of the time, or you see they’re not doing anything instead of yelling at them ask yourself first if there’s something going on in their mind. 

STOP BLAMING THE VICTIM. 

AND STOP SAYING “I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING DIFFERENTLY IF I ONLY KNEW” ‘CAUSE YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT IN THE FIRST PLACE. MENTAL ILLNESS OR NOT. 

I don’t need to being yelled less or shit like that. I need someone supportive and I can truly trust when my depression takes over. And my family is NEVER been like that. 

And also, She asked me if my friends know about all of this. Of course they fucking know, but I only told her one of them knows. She started saying she was hurt because I chose to tell my friend instead of her. That things like this needs to be solved in the family first. Family comes first. She said my friend isn’t a good friend because she never told my bg brother ( ‘cause they know each other ) etc. 

Well mum ALL THE INTERNET, or at least all the poeple who will read this post, AND other friends know about it. IT’S THANKS TO THEM I REACHED OUT FOR HELP. THEY’VE BEEN THERE FOR ME ALL THESE YEARS WHEN I COULDN ‘T SEE THE LIGHT. SUPPORTING ME LIKE YOU NEVER DID,

Don’t be fucking surpirse if I chose to tell them and not you. 

STOP BLAMING THEM AND STOP BLAMING ME. 

#personal #depression #mental health #mental illness #mental disorder #selfharm #anxiety #dysthymia #Suicide #Suicidal Thoughts #family #life #death #i'm tired #fucking life #fuck everything

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

Anguish Moments

Help me, help me

I'm not breathing today,

This urge feeling

To cry is crushing me

From the inside.

Another day in this office,

Other smile to fake,

I'm fine, I'm good

I will lose myself

In an ocean of tears,

Anguish moments

Of my life awaits me

In the future as I can barely

Breath today, I don't worry

About them, 'cause I know

Deep inside they will kill me first.

#poem #poetry #my writing #my work #my life #my art #bad art #art #mental health #mental disorder #mental illness #anxiety disorders #anxiety #depressive #depressione #depression #yana #please seeek help

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

My brother telling me "where did you have been? Do you even live in this house? There are stuff to do and I did it" it makes me laugh so hard.

You know dear brother, i don't think you've noticed but i've been in my room crying myself to sleep and cutting myself.

So, stop asking me where i've been when I find the strength to actually go out, only because I don't do something. It's true. I didn't and NOT because I'm lazy but because I couldn't bring myself to care even in simple task like eating. It's not just the flat. It's everything.

#depression #personal #self harm #living with mental illness

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

One thing i'm realizing this year is that I can't live alone. With my brother is kinda living alone, besides he doesn't know hot to take care of others and I can't take care of myself. Or when I do it it's for a short period of time.

But here I am again. In bed on weekend, not even caring to get up and eat some food and cutting myself.

#personal #depression #selfharm

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

So, the moment when you don't take a shower in the hot summer, don't brush your teeth, Don't wash your face after a long day with make up, skip dinner and don't take any kind of meds you're supposed to take, well, in that moment you know it's bad again.

#persobal #depression

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

This week it feels like i’m living through a nightmare or something. On Monday I had a fight with my brother and i told him i’m gonna move out when my friend will be here in Malta in September. 

He said to me “I’m so disappointed” by me of course. And of course he had to tell my mother. So My mother called me the other day and told me, and I will quote, “you’re gonna move out when you’ll find a boyfriend”

I was so miserable that I cried in the office the other day and two of my bosses saw me. They insisted in me going to the bar and drink something but I told them i really didn’t want to see anyone, 

Today I felt a crisis again and I ran out of the office before I started crying again with my boss there. As soon as I stepped inside my room I immediately went to bed and crying. Laughing in desperation and crying. I cutted myself, I guess it was more to feel something than distract myself. but of course it didn’t help. I felt nothing. Maybe I should cut deeper, who knows? Maybe after this post? 

I contacted one of my best friend after and she asked me why I didn’t call her before cutting myself. She was pissed off and started to tell me “then all of this it’s of no use” etc and I felt horrible and above all angry. She knows how mental illness work and yet she texted all those stuff. I couldn’t take anymore and I just texted her with a “Listen, fuck off” and I feel terrible. 

I didn’t went to her to stop the crisis and the cutting, it was clear to me that tonight I was gonna fall apart and I didn’t mind the consequences, I was looking for some comfort, someone who could actually say “hey, it’s okay. next time will be better”

Instead, I only found an angry person yelling at me for something she clearly understands. And somehow it piss me more off. But.. despite all of this, I know it’s been wrong from my side telling her to fuck off. I never EVER told any of my friends to fuck off even when I was kinda angry at them. I only told to fuck off to my mother once and I still feel guilty, But, even then, it was out of an act of anger. 

I feel like I should apologize but a part of me still feels so hurt, It’s too much right now,

#person #depression #mental health #mental illness #mental disorder #selfharm #dealing with mental illness #life #kinda suicidal today #i'm sorry everyone

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

depression is weird because like. things are actually going well for you but you get so freakin sad for no reason so you have to think of a reason to be sad??? also i just cried for exactly seven seconds and now im fine so who knows anything anymore

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

“Can You Hear Me?”

Please can you just take me to a place where I can disappear,

Where fear and pain are no longer near,

Where my soul may stand a chance at gaining rest,

Instead of being stuck in this shell of everlasting distress.

But who am I kidding,

This is exactly what they said it would be,

Warned it would be from the very beginning,

A false oasis with chilled blood as it’s liquid,

Turning misfits into pieces.

But this is merely just my thesis for me, myself, and I,

Not a guide for the next body my spirit occupies,

Just a taste of what it feels like to live alone in the dark,

Feeling invisible claws litter my skin with marks.

And this is just the start,

Oh goddess don’t let it be so,

Please tell me I can turn around,

I plead,

But she says no,

I am doomed to remain as I am and always will be,

A beast born of sorrow and insanity.

By: wolfjillyjill

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

Mama I think I am depressed again. The sleep I find does not rest me. The morning sun that greets me does not warm me. Getting out of my bed feels like falling to my knees. Crawling back into it feels like climbing into a grave. Coffee does not wake me, food has lost its taste. I am disinterested in sustaining myself. Work gives me a reason to walk out of that door but I struggle to find my way home. I am seeing yellow lights  as more a challenge than a warning sign. I forget to look both ways when I cross the street. These are little things, mama. If they are in pieces then I can carry them, I can keep the strength in my spine. But today, mama, and lately they are everything and all at once and all consuming and I am drowning.

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

Today it bad and know what to do

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

“My Dear Theo”

A letter from Vincent Van Gogh to his brother Theo Van Gogh (written between Monday, 11 and Thursday, 14 August 1879)

It’s mainly to tell you that I’m grateful for your visit that I’m writing to you. It was quite a long time ago that we saw each other or wrote to each other as we used to. All the same, it’s better that we feel something for each other rather than behave like corpses towards one another, the more so because as long as one has no real right to be called a corpse by being legally dead, it smacks of hypocrisy or at least childishness to pose as such. Childish in the manner of a young man of 14 years who thinks that his dignity and social standing actually oblige him to wear a top hat. The hours we spent together in this way have at least assured us that we’re both still in the land of the living. When I saw you again and took a walk with you, I had the same feeling I used to have more than I do now, as though life were something good and precious that one should cherish, and I felt more cheerful and alive than I had been for a long time, because in spite of myself life has gradually become or has seemed much less precious to me, much more unimportant and indifferent. When one lives with others and is bound by a feeling of affection one is aware that one has a reason for being, that one might not be entirely worthless and superfluous but perhaps good for one thing or another, considering that we need one another and are making the same journey as travelling companions. Proper self-respect, however, is also very dependent on relations with others.

A prisoner who’s kept in isolation, who’s prevented from working, would in the long run, especially if this were to last too long, suffer the consequences just as surely as one who went hungry for too long. Like everyone else, I have need of relationships of friendship or affection or trusting companionship, and am not like a street pump or lamp-post, whether of stone or iron, so that I can’t do without them without perceiving an emptiness and feeling their lack, like any other generally civilized and highly respectable man — and I tell you these things to let you know what a salutary effect your visit had on me.

And just as I wished that we not drift apart, this is also the case with regard to those at home. Even so, at the moment I really dread going there and am strongly inclined to stay here. It could, however, be my fault, and you could be right in thinking that I don’t see things straight, which is why it may be that, despite my great reluctance and notwithstanding that it’s a hard journey, I’m going to Etten for at least a few days.

As I think back on your visit with thankfulness, our talks naturally come to mind. I’ve heard such talks before, many, in fact, and often. Plans for improvement and change and raising the spirits — and yet, don’t let it anger you, I’m a little afraid of them — also because I sometimes acted upon them and ended up rather disappointed. How much has been well thought out that is, however, impracticable.

The time spent at Amsterdam is still so fresh in my memory. You were there yourself, and so you know how the pros and cons were weighed, considered and deliberated upon, reasoned with wisdom, how it was well meant — and yet how pitiful the result, how daft the whole business, how grossly stupid. I still shudder at the thought. It was the worst time I’ve ever gone through. How desirable and appealing the rather difficult and troubled days here in this poor country, in these primitive surroundings, seem to me compared with then. Something similar, I fear, will be the result of following wise counsel given with the best of intentions.

For such experiences are pretty drastic for me. The damage, the sorrow, the heart’s regretfulness is too great for both of us not to have learned the hard way. If we don’t learn from this, what shall we then learn from? A striving such as reaching the goal set before me, as it was put then, truly that is an ambition that won’t easily take hold of me again, the desire to achieve it has cooled considerably, and I now look at things from a different perspective, even though it may sound and look attractive, and even though it’s unacceptable to think about it as experience taught me to think about it. Unacceptable, yes, just as, for example, Francq the Evangelist finds it unacceptable that I declared the sermons given by the Rev. Jean Andry to be only slightly more evangelical than the sermons of a priest. I would rather die a natural death than be prepared for it by the academy, and have occasionally had a lesson from a grass-mower4 that seemed to me more useful than one in Greek.

Improvement in my life — should I not desire it or should I not be in need of improvement? I really want to improve. But it’s precisely because I yearn for it that I’m afraid of remedies that are worse than the disease. Can you blame a sick person if he looks the doctor straight in the eye and prefers not to be treated wrongly or by a quack?

Does someone who has consumption or typhus do wrong by maintaining that a stronger remedy than barley water might be useful or even necessary, or, finding that barley water in itself can do no harm, nevertheless doubts its efficacy and potency in his particular case?

The doctor who prescribed barley water mustn’t say, this patient is a stubborn person who is set upon his own ruin because he doesn’t want to take medicine — no, because the man is not unwilling, but the so-called medicine was unsuitable, because it was indeed ‘it’ but still not yet ‘it’ at all.

Do you blame someone if he fails to be moved by a painting which is recorded in the catalogue as a Memling but which has nothing to do with Memling other than that it’s a similar subject from the Gothic period but without artistic value?

And if you should now assume from what I’ve said that I intended to say you were a quack because of your advice then you will have completely misunderstood me, since I have no such idea or opinion of you.

If, on the other hand, you think that I thought I would do well to take your advice literally and become a lithographer of invoice headings and visiting cards, or a bookkeeper or a carpenter’s apprentice — likewise that of my very dear sister Anna to devote myself to the baker’s trade or many other things of that kind (quite remarkably diverse and mutually exclusive) — which it was suggested I pursue, you would also be mistaken.

But, you say, I’m not giving you this advice for you to follow to the letter, but because I thought you had a taste for idling and because I was of the opinion that you should put an end to it.

Might I be allowed to point out to you that such idling is really a rather strange sort of idling. It’s rather difficult for me to defend myself on this score, but I would be sorry if you couldn’t eventually see this in a different light. I also don’t know if I would do well to counter such accusations by following the advice to become a baker, for example. That would really be a sufficient answer (supposing it were possible for us to assume the guise of a baker or hair-cutter or librarian with lightning speed) and yet actually a foolish response, rather like the way the man acted who, when accused of heartlessness because he was sitting on a donkey, immediately dismounted and continued on his way with the donkey on his shoulders.

And, joking apart, I honestly think it would be better if the relationship between us were more trusting on both sides. If I must seriously feel that I’m annoying or burdensome to you or those at home, useful for neither one thing nor another, and were to go on being forced to feel like an intruder or a fifth wheel in your presence, so that it would be better I weren’t there, and if I should have to continue trying to keep further and further out of other people’s way — if I think that indeed it would be so and cannot be otherwise, then I’m overcome by a feeling of sorrow and I must struggle against despair.

It’s difficult for me to bear these thoughts and more difficult still to bear the thought that so much discord, misery and sorrow, in our midst and in our family, has been caused by me.

If it were indeed so, then I’d truly wish that it be granted me not to have to go on living too long. Yet whenever this depresses me beyond measure, all too deeply, after a long time the thought also occurs to me: it’s perhaps only a bad, terrible dream, and later we’ll perhaps learn to understand and comprehend it better. But is it not, after all, reality, and won’t it one day become better rather than worse? To many it would no doubt appear foolish and superstitious to believe in any improvement for the better. Sometimes in winter it’s so bitterly cold that one says, it’s simply too cold, what do I care whether summer comes, the bad outweighs the good. But whether we like it or not, an end finally comes to the hard frost, and one fine morning the wind has turned and we have a thaw. Comparing the natural state of the weather with our state of mind and our circumstances, subject to variableness and change, I still have some hope that it can improve.

If you write, soon perhaps, you will make me happy. Just in case, address your letter care of J.Bte Denis, rue du Petit-Wasmes à Wasmes (Hainaut)

Walked to Wasmes after your departure that evening. Have since drawn a portrait.

Adieu, accept in thought a handshake, and believe me

Yours truly,

Vincent

Original Letter below

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

the wrost thing is not feeling good and safe at home but at the same time you really don’t have anywhere else to go 

#personal

[onceuponatimealittlekid]

The Moment I Fear

I fear the moment 

when I will tell you the truth,

when I will stand up 

for myself and all of you

will try to push me down

to the edge of sufference

and beyond. 

I fear you will never 

understand how I feel

and my need to break free

from this emotional chains

who keep me tied up 

to this barely safe existence.

Will you all ever let me go?

Will I have the courage to move on?

Say goodbye to the people i love

still, they same people who hurt me

so much. Love, hate, anger

all inside, in my heart, in my mind.

I want to break free, 

I need to break free. 

#peom #poetry #writing #my writing #my words #my work #art #bad art #my art #depression #toxic family #love #life #mental health #mental illness #mental disorder #trying so hard #give me back my life