#(unfortunately because it also applies to real men and boy is it a lot more annoying when it’s not a blorbo)

[queenofbooknerds]

Me @ my blorbos: There is something deeply wrong with you but unfortunately I find that attractive

#blorbos #this post in particular is because of Childe #but honestly I have a type #unfortunately my type in men is pathetic and deeply fucked up #(unfortunately because it also applies to real men and boy is it a lot more annoying when it’s not a blorbo) #genshin childe #hsr blade #hsr dan heng #jiang cheng #wwx *and* lwj #wwx may have been the one who did necromancy and medical malpractice #but people don’t give enough credit to LWJ for confessing so badly to WWX so badly everyone thought he hated him #if you’re wondering why there was no women #it’s because my type in women is competent and capable of murder #admittedly. it does still include a lot of fucked up women #Wen qing #hsr kafka #Kaul Shae #(from Jade City by Fonda Lee if anyone got this far and is wondering) #Camilla Hect #ianthe tridentarius #yes both of them. I have range

[dekusleftsock]

I have to say that your post on Deku peddling a lot of casual homophobia and toxic masculinity across the manga, was really interesting and eye-opening. I mostly agree with you, except the part about bkdk supposedly being the endgame for this particular arc. I've had similar thoughts about how gender and sexuality is portrayed in MHA, for quite a while, but the conclusion I always came to, was more along the lines of "Reject Masculinity; Embrace Lesbianism". As I've just stumbled upon this blog, I must therefore ask: how do you feel about transbian Deku hcs?

Oh it’s so fun! Trans lesbian deku is awesome, I love all trans hc’s so much.

Unfortunately though, I am also a bkdk shipper and my opinions in that post are about my genuine thoughts that, yes, deku is a cisgender gay man, and there’s no real problem with that. Welcome to my blog though!

A lot of my posts do focus on bkdk and togachako (while mainly togachako for the past couple of months), so that’s just your fair warning! If you aren’t into that it’s like… kind of impossible to avoid that shipping on my blog. I often post fanart and metas/shitposts that focus on those two ships solely.

And I will say, I feel like the notion of “rejecting masculinity”, especially as a trans masculine person myself, does often fall down anti trans rhetoric and spaces, as lesbianism and masculinity aren’t even necessarily contrasting things to be. NB is an identity that can be stretched so far into so many spaces that it’s kind of hard to reject masculinity OR femininity without well… falling into exclusion.

I’m not sure if that’s what you mean though, however I do enjoy most if not all trans hc’s because they are amazing and so interesting when people really dive into a characters internalized issues having to do with that identity. Transgenderism is so maleable and can easily apply to so many different types of characters, even giving them a deeper sense of depth.

Canonically though, I think I like Izuku how he is. Because everyone has issues, and while cis men have obviously had a lot of stories where they are the center of attention, told from their perspective, Izuku is unique in his own right; because how often do we really see a short, androgynous, emotionally expressive, cis male character deal with things like the insecurity of crying, the unknown of if your identity (if it really is your identity) will be accepted in spaces where you have been pushed to be with, from your perspective, a platonic female friend? Because yes, izuku WAS bullied—rather indirectly with Katsuki sure—but the little comments made about being a crybaby, being creepy, being weak, they all build up. They build and build until, hey, the bully isn’t there anymore. In fact, the bully is you.

And really, I see why people don’t necessarily pick up on Izuku of all people having masculinity issues. When the viewer sees a momma’s boy who’s relatively soft and empathetic, they register someone who vaguely understands themself. They see him be self sacrificial and think, “that’s a man who goes against masculine stereotypes, so obviously he doesn’t struggle with fitting into the stereotype himself!” Because it’s not what we’re usually shown in our every day media.

A man with masculinity issues is someone who is SUPER masculine—he’s super buff, he screams a lot, he has anger issues, he—oh wait I’m describing Katsuki.

Yet, in reality, Katsuki actually DOESNT! Not as much as Izuku does anyway. In middle school? Sure, most definitely. He registered weakness and refused to accept himself, therefore his masculinity. The anger issues build and build on each other… except for the fact that we’re forgetting the key here.

Katsuki grew up.

Katsuki HAD to grow up because the way he expressed these anger issues (that I will say, izuku also shares, the crying is literally a symptom of that in a lot of cases) was much more prevalent. It stopped him from truly growing, and when he was humbled he was able to see all the mistakes he was making. And slowly but surely, he apologized. He sacrificed. He started to really, truly, care.

He always cared of course, seeing as he cared enough to try to stop deku from getting into UA, because he thought he was a threat. Hell, after the entrance exam at their first day of UA, he genuinely thought Izuku had enough heroics in him to make it past the entrance exam! He didn’t think Izuku even NEEDED a quirk to get in. He’s always believed in him.

Was that expressed through his insecurities? Yes, because he was a dumb 15 year old.

But now that he knows he cares, that’s allowed him to reflect on himself, and on Izuku.

Izuku ofc will change, he will grow up, he will get that character development, but he has to have that realization that, oh, Katsuki really won’t hate him for anything. Ever.

Whether Izuku has internalized homophobia simply because Katsuki isn’t a girl, or because he’s afraid of Katsuki’s rejection at Izuku’s weirdness, well, I guess that’s up to your interpretation.

Mine is personally on the second side though.

#and like. Katsuki is such an Integral part to WHY Izuku expresses his feelings the way he does #because again #izuku is a circus #and Katsuki is the audience #there’s no reading Izuku’s character and especially not this aspect without. well. reading his feelings about Katsuki as well. #they’re kind of two sides of the same coin #if you want to know WHY I believe the things I do then I think I have some metas labeled for that reason #bkdk

[crisalidaseason]

what headcanons you have of the scouts that you strongly believe or/and really like?

Oh no you said the magic word

Sorry about that, I have no shame

Okay, let's go. Some of those headcannons apply for Alternative Universe and also Canonverse, some of them are specific for canon or alternative.

Scouts headcanons I strongly (and obsessively) believe

Mikasa

She seems tough and "I need nobody" type of person but that's NOT true! She actually craves a lot of affection and attention. She gives too much and doesn't get that much back and I think it makes her feel a little undeserving. Her friendship with Sasha helped a lot, since Sasha is very willing to care for her.

Mikasa is so stealthy and discreet that she finds out a lot of tea and gossip without looking for it. She isn't a gossiper at all, but bruh she knows everything! EVERY DIRTY SECRET.

She is a little petty. Don't cross her because you will become a target in a very silent game of death glares and intimidating aura.

Emotionally stunted, like, really stunted. She doesn't know how to express anything she's feeling unless is a very stressfull situation. Which gives her a lot of commitment issues that drives Armin and Sasha completely crazy because they just want her to be happy.

Armin

An extremely functional anxious person, which is why he is constantly exhausted and overwhelmed. It's really dificult for him to slow down his thoughts.

Honestly, a wolf in sheeps clothing in many ways. First, he is really shy and insecure, but don't underestimate his ability to be sassy af, specially as he gets older. Although he can be a little nasty sometimes, he makes it very subtle to not cause many problems.

I think he would be a wonderfull storyteller and author, the kind of writer that loves exploring many themes and is very open to any form of reading. He would be an amazing teacher too!

Cries whenever someone asks him for "one more quick favor" but does it anyway because he's a people pleaser. Mikasa is the one who usually rescues him when she feels his anxiety go through the roof.

Eren

Severe ADHD.

Honestly, annoying as f*ck. I don't mean it in a manchild way, but he is spoiled rotten by his mother so he IS ANNOYING and clingy. Can be a little self-centered but also very caring and helpful if well oriented.

Would try to solve bullying with violence and get bullied in the process. He genuinely tries, but Mikasa is the one who actually stops the bullying with violence and he just accepts it.

Needs serious anger issues treatment and is in fact working on it quite well. Unfortunately he has a lot of imposter syndrome and thinks he is just a bad person seeking attention. He needs a little hug sometimes.

Does not like Zeke at all. I don't think Eren would feel any attachment towards Zeke, specially if they met as adults or late teens. Maybe if they were introduced as kids it could work out.

tries to give a stoner vibes in college but hates smoking weed so he only eats the spicy gummies and brownies. He is a garbage disposal, eats everything wihtout a single thought.

Jean

An artist, a full blown artist. He is good in every art field he tries and everything turns out beautifull. He gets mad if he isn't good at it immediatly though and that can be quite annoying.

He seems like a heartbreaker but it's actually a clueless guy that is looking for real love. Even if he's oblivious as a baby pidgeon. I also headcannon him as TERRIFIED of dating men because of daddy issues (look at me and tell me he doesn't have daddy issues, I dare you)

Honestly, probably a mama's boy, but a very sweet and responsible one. I see him as being a super helpful son to a very hardworking mother. He cooks, cleans, fixes stuff, makes sure his momma has medical care and entertainment. I like to think he would be into soap opera because it used to be his bonding time with his mother.

Doesn't really remember why he is still Eren's rival, they just keep it for reputation. If they get drunk together you'll find them cuddling and crying together.

Connie

Unhinged but also good vibes. He is a comedian because of insecurity and low self-esteem and people rarely notice that. Sasha has helped him a lot with those issues.

The stoner vibes Eren tries to imitate Connie does it perfectly. And he's super chill, no forcing anyone to smoke or eat anything with drugs, will guide and help anyone who might wanna try it.

I feel he likes anime a little too much and ends up spending a lot of money on merch and figures. But the good part is that everyone is obssessed with his anime collection. Even if he is getting completely broke, he loves adding more.

Probably has a reptile as a pet and knows a lot about exotic animal care. I picture him having a snake or a bearded dragon (maybe both), some frogs because he likes the dumb face. I also think he would name them weird shit like "eustacius" "cornelius" or "tibaultus".

Ugly cried when Sasha started to date Nicollo because he couldn't go on their date nights. He wants to be a supportive bestie but sometimes he is a little too much and Jean has to intervene.

Sasha

The chillest person ever, a sweetheart in many many ways. BUT she is Connie's friend and being unhinged is also a thing (honestly, Jean is the only "normal" one, which explains why he seems the mom of the trio). She takes no shit and will humiliate any mean person with freaking class. One time a bully cried like a baby because he got roasted by Sasha.

She is a super extrovert and is the one who actually brings people to the friend group because she is the easiest and most adorable person to meet. She is known by many people because of that.

Loves food but, on the contrary belief, has a perfect relationship with food and doesn't feel bad about anything she eats. She will recomend the best places to eat (and affordable!!) and some of them are so hidden that you wonder if she spends her free time wandering around and trying food.

She is a food lover but doesn't like to cook at all! (that's how Nicollo actually got her, he cooked for her once and boom she was in love).

Will blast music anytime for any reason, she doesn't do a single activity without music.

She is the best big sister, the best. Her siblings all love her so much.

Marco

A prince, a perfect and sweet prince. The kindest soul you'll ever meet. He is also a classic literature and music lover, but in a super inclusive and non-judgmental way. He loves arts, much like jean, but he is more inclined to music and writing.

Marco is the worried mom of the group. He is also asking about everyone's health and moods. He makes sure to pay attention to every person and include them in the conversation.

In my mind he was raised by two lesbians, idk why but he seems like a boy who was raised by super alt lesbians and I'm here for that.

Has two cats despite having allergies. Will play with stray cats and dogs and baby talk with them.

He is also a little cupid and love advisor even if he never dated himself. It's funny how people follow his tips so strongly even if he has no real experience.

Historia

Impatient af. She seems sweet and cute because of her looks but she low-key is super impatient and IDGAF vibes. She uses her looks as an advantage and plays sweet girl so she can get what she needs. She isn't unpleasant though, she loves and protects her friends very much.

In my head she would be a power lawyer (much like Camille Vasquez from the Dep and Heard trial) and be extremely intimidating in knowledge. I just know Historia is a very smart person.

She hates being a leader, but people often put her on leading roles because of how well she communicates. She is extremely eloquent and well spoken, sometimes even a little too formal.

Eren became her bestie because those two have a very similar dark humor, although she used to absolutely hate Eren during pre-teen years.

Ymir

If historia has IDGAF vibes, Ymir is the worst of them. Not only she doesn't care, but also is a little unpleasant. Ymir can be a little too mean and unecessarily snarky. Which explains why she doesn't have a lot of friends.

I think Ymir is scared of intimacy or love, probably because of how neglected she was. But I like to think she would eventually warm up and become more open to people in her life. Once she considers them friends, she would be very helpfull and understanding.

HORRIBLE driver, do not let her drive in any circunstances. She drives like a maniac even when traffic is calm. Poor historia almost had a heart attack.

People associate Ymir with drugs but I think she would despise them. She wouls be a "no drugs allowed" kind of person. But she doesn't mind the ones that consume drugs, just don't offer it to her.

Erwin

Honestly, dad vibes, but not in a seggsual way. He would be a dad in the embarassing way.

Old man that doesn't understand modern social cues. The kind of person to post a tweet or send a message and ALWAYS sign it with "From Erwin Smith". He also doesn't understand slangs but ends up using them at random times and Levi just wants to punch him so hard.

Very patient, almost annoyingly patient. Would be into cross words or diorama building because of how long it takes. Would not loose his cool so easily but can get mad without expressing it.

He likes fancy sweets. You know those super fancy cakes, deserts? He would die to try them. I feel his favorite would be a blueberry flavored thing.

He is a gossiper, and Levi is always the one he tells the gossip first even if he BEGS for Erwin to stop.

Levi

Just wants some peace tbh. This man wants a quiet house in the middle of nowhere where he grows herbs and small vegetables. He wants to spend his miserable remaining lifespan drinking tea and relaxing in the porch.

BUT NO. He has to be babysitting a bunch of hormonal teenagers. People just trust him with a bunch of young kids as if he's not gonna snap and murder them all. But I think that deep down he has fun with the younger ones, specially when they get themselves in trouble and he just watches.

Erwin is the bane of his existence. He might be loyal to the blond man, but he also wants to break his nose on a daily basis. Don't even get me started on Hange, they are Levi's nightmare. He loves them both though.

Also an old man who likes gossip but pretends not to.

Hange

Nothing, I said NOTHING about Hange is conventional. They are the most chaotic and unhinged creature I've ever seen.

Social cues? Doesn't know them. Hange will do and say weird things in the middle of a serious conversation. If you mention Hange's special interest be ready to listen to hours and hours of very detailed facts about titans or science in general.

I have this weird headcanon that Hange would become a mortician and open a funeral home. I know it's weird but I really think Hange would be obsessed with the human body but not in a doctor way.

Has tarantulas, like many of them. Levi absolutely hates visiting them.

Will bother Levi, but also Erwin. Hange doesn't give a single f*ck if Erwin is their boss, they will interrupt and be inconvenient.

#aot #snk #attack on titan #aot headcanons #snk headcanons #attack on titan headcanons #eren jaeger #armin arlert #mikasa ackerman #jean #connie #sasha #levi ackerman #erwin smith #hange zoe #hanji #levi aot #hange aot #eren aot #armin aot #jean aot #aot men #aot women

[sxugaryx]

The Talk (Fanfic)

New chapter from my main series 🩷

Pinocchio is sitting down with a smile on his face and Geppetto feels like he is going to corrupt his precious boy.

First, he needs to set a few things straight, after hearing how his conversation with Sophia went.

Hearing from Sophia about what happened made him realize that Pinocchio isn’t mature enough to be in a relationship with someone but regardless, this is a talk he must have with him.

“Pinocchio, unfortunately, love and relationships aren’t like the ones in stories”

Geppetto proceeds to explain to Pinocchio how you meet someone and get to know them, and over time you start to develop feelings for them and if they like you back you can start a relationship, he explains how relationships work, real relationships, it’s always good to love, care and always be there for your partner but there are boundaries that all relationships have, just because someone loves you that means that they get to mistreat you and vise versa.

His son was managing to follow along well, Geppetto spoke a little about marriage, he gave a few examples of what the relationship between him and his wife was like.

Pinocchio nodded along, but it was now time to start explaining what Geppetto didn’t want to explain in the first place, he didn’t know where to start, Pinocchio had never been in love with someone that much is obvious by how his interaction with Sophia went.

“Son, when you are in relationships you start to get… intimate with your loved one, you know how um,” He needs to start with something small, “Couples kiss each other all the time right? Eventually when you fall in love with someone you are going to have your first kiss”

Geppetto saw that his son looked uncomfortable, looking away and grasping the seat of the couch he was sitting in.

“Pinocchio have you kissed someone?”

“Um well,” Pinocchio said, “Dorian Gray kissed me”

Geppetto saw red, he was furious, at that moment he wanted to die and go to hell so that he could beat up that bastard.

“I’m sorry”

“What? No no no, son you did nothing wrong” Geppetto reassured Pinocchio that he wasn’t angry at him. Dammit, he had told him before that such things weren’t okay for strangers to do, why did he never tell him that it also applies to others you know?!

He sat down next to his son and hugged him, Geppetto felt as if he had failed him but the only thing he could do now was to keep having this talk and hopefully resolve his doubts and prevent things like this from happening again.

And Hopefully, that demon tortures Dorian Gray for all eternity and doesn’t let his soul have a moment of peace.

After the atmosphere calmed, they talked some more and that’s when Pinocchio finally asked the question.

“Father, what does all of this have to do with knowing where babies come from?”

Well, it’s time to ruin his innocence.

“Well son you see when two people really love each other they start to-“

——

Pinocchio was quiet.

Geppetto had expected him to ask a lot of questions as he usually does when he is taught something; when he gave Carlo the talk he asked a lot of questions.

But Pinocchio was VERY quiet.

Is he just bad at explaining it? Maybe he should have read books on parenting long ago, but it’s too late now.

The silence was becoming awkward, “Son are you okay?”

“So um father, does that mean you have had-

“Yes, next question” Geppetto’s face is red with embarrassment.

“You said that not only men and women can do it, a woman and a woman can do it, and that men and men can do it, and since you are a man well, have you ever-“

“Yes and son please don’t ask me anymore about my private life” That boy is just like Carlo, Alexander would probably be laughing if he could hear this conversation, thank God he isn’t here.

“People do that but, can puppets do that? I mean, I know I’m special and not fully a puppet but-“

Why is he asking him that?! He doesn’t want to even think about it.

“Technically you can but you to have to wait for someone special”

Pinocchio began to open his mouth.

“AND WHEN YOU ARE OLDER!” Geppetto was shouting, “You can’t do it now, don’t even think about it, you are too young”

By the look of Pinocchio’s face, Geppetto could tell that he was asking out of curiosity more than anything and he was glad about that, even more so because after that Pinocchio’s questions stopped.

Pinocchio was quiet again, clearly thinking over and over about what he heard, his face becoming pale.

Oh God, he traumatized him.

—-

The next time that Pinocchio went to see Antonia for a piano lesson, Geppetto pulled her aside for a moment.

“You want me to teach him what?!” Antonia was baffled, “You are his father, you need to teach him about that!”

“And you, are his mother,” If Antonia wants to hold that title she is also going to do some of those duties, “Look I already gave him the basics, and as for anatomy…I just need you to teach him about you know, woman stuff”

Antonia looked at Pinocchio and she could tell that his quiet demeanor wasn’t him being shy, the boy was sitting and looking at the floor, staying too still.

“What did you do?”

“Nothing, I swear”

“So you are just bad at explaining?”

Geppetto knows now that he is in fact, bad at explaining.

#lies of p #lop #liesofp #lies of p game #lies of p fanfic #lies of p pinocchio #lies of p geppetto #this is in ao3 too #ao3 link

[aimlessgeology]

Speculative Othering Final

Lost (2004-2010) is remembered for being a sometimes confusing but almost always sexy adventure show. The show follows the aftermath of a plane crash on a mysterious Pacific island, when a group of strangers must figure out how to survive in the face of no rescue and a sinister group that already inhabits the tropical rock. Lost is unique for its time in that it featured many characters of color from a variety of backgrounds and identities. Its inclusion of diverse characters was a conscious break from norms in TV. Unfortunately, a lot of the screen time was taken up by white characters, but the characters of color are not passive tokens signaling diversity.

In their critical media book Unthinking Eurocentrism (Shohat and Stam, 1994), Ella Shohat and Robert Stam include a chapter titled “Stereotype Realism and the Struggle Over Representation”. In this chapter, they state: “Filmic fictions inevitably bring into play real-life assumptions not only about space and time but also about social and cultural relationships” (178). This applies doubly to television, because TV is more flexible in its production: you can see cultural changes play out over time through one TV series in a way you can’t do with one film because TV is produced is produced continuously, sometimes for decades at a time (The Simpsons, General Hospital, Sesame Street). They continue, “film is [representation], [but] it is also an act of contextualized interlocution between socially situated producers and receivers. [To say art is constructed] is not enough...We have to ask: Constructed for whom? [W]ith which ideologies and discourses' in mind? (180). I think that Lost was made with a wide range of audiences in mind. It has action, mystery, and romance. It has moments of levity and extreme anxiety. It arrived at a tense time; the pilot came out in 2004, a mere three years after the 9/11 tragedy, when America was waging war in Afghanistan and Iraq. Ultimately it was a show about community and teamwork, and sought to unite those through their differences instead of dividing them. Lost was set in the present at the time of its release and its universe mimicked our own in many ways, including with the U.S.-led wars in the Middle East. Sayid (Naveen Andrews), a supporting protagonist, is an Iraqi national and former soldier. Sayid has a complicated and sorrowful backstory, like most of the characters on the show, but his position is unique in that his character embodies a personality that America, writ-large, was extremely suspicious of; an Arab man aligned with the government of his home country. 

The character Sawyer (Josh Holloway) is a country bad-boy who represents this suspicion. In the second part of a two-part pilot, he accuses Sayid of being a terrorist and being responsible for the plane going down. This leads to an altercation between the two men, shown in the clip below. (S01E1-2, LOST clip - Sayid and Sawyer Fight). 

The accusation is blatantly racially motivated and it is only the first of many aggressions Sawyer inflicts on Sayid because of his ethnicity. With his love of guns, sex, booze and cigarettes, Sawyer is a specific American stereotype–the hypermasculine, violent, and bigoted man. Surely there were people watching Lost whose identities at least partially aligned with these qualities; through Sawyer, they see themselves represented, perhaps in an exaggerated light, or maybe turned down a notch. Despite Sawyer’s bias and bouts of cruelty, he is an important character who grows and learns to treat people better. As Shohat and Stam write, “spectators… can accept, question, or even subvert” a work of media. Further, “the cultural preparation of a particular audience can generate counter-pressure to a racist or prejudicial discourse” (182). Lost offers a critique of Sawyer-like ideology without totally alienating those who share it, as well as giving voice to the group which they vilify. 

Since Sayid is not a one-dimensional token character, his reaction to Sawyer’s racism towards him gets its due. In the clip above, Sayid is shown to be the instigator of the fight, but he is not represented as acting unreasonably. A common racist stereotype about Arab men is that they are hot-tempered and aggressive. Lost does not try to fight this false notion by making sure Sayid is non-violent. Instead, his anger and aggression is represented with more nuance than a simple ‘Violent Arab Man’ trope. He’s responding to an attack on his character and nationality, and in the circumstances of the show, his violent response is understandable. It represents both identities in a forgiving light. 

Though Sayid’s character is an important part in the progression of Arab representation on screen, it’s not perfect. Naveen Andrews is a British man with Indian heritage, but he plays an Iraqi. This relates to Shohat and Stam’s points about representation. Those authors are concerned with white actors performing in roles meant for people of color, and they reference the satirical work How to Make an Indian Movie: ”Import a Greek to be an Indian princess. Introduce a white man to become an ‘Indian’ hero. Make the white man compassionate, brave and understanding ... Pocket the profits in Hollywood” (181). There is another layer to this that has emerged in the modern age where people of color are made into a generalized ‘other’ where they play nationalities that are not their own.  I don’t think it should be taboo for people to play across national lines; an American should be able to play a Brit, so why should a Brit not be able to play an Iraqi? But there is a line where it becomes racially offensive, or at least controversial. For many producers of media at this time, it comes down to looks; few are interested in making sure the actor who plays a guy from Iraq is actually from Iraq, as long as he ‘looks like’ he could be from Iraq. For white audiences, there is not always a lot that distinguishes one brown person from another. 

There are other times in Lost where white audiences are not the sole focus of the show. There are detailed storylines that don’t involve white characters. The first example of Lost de-centering white voices is when there is tension between two men of the group of survivors, Jin (Daniel Dae Kim) and Michael (Harold Perrineu). S01E06, “House of the Rising Sun” the opening scene is Jin brutally attacking Michael at the water in front of Michael’s son, Walt. Jin seems to intend to kill him, or at least injure him severely. Walt cries for help and Sawyer and Sayid sprint to Michael’s rescue. The following clip is the conversation that occurs after the attack. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-fS679Ui1U

Sayid becomes the mediator of the disagreement with Sawyer playing a secondary role, mostly as a taunt (did you catch the ‘Omar’ comment he made to Sayid?). Jin does not speak English, but is obviously very angry. Michael is wounded and angry as well. Sayid demands to know what happened and Michael insists that the reason Jin attacked him was because he’s black. Michael says to Sayid that he ‘doesn’t know what it’s like in Iraq, but in America, Korean people don’t like Black people’. Jin does not have the language to defend his actions. Not that they were really defensible; he tackled this guy and tried to drown him because a misunderstanding over a lost watch. The racial component was self-evident and then mentioned explicitly. The conversation is almost entirely between people of color, except for Sawyer making snide remarks.

This is something remarkable, especially for a show at this time. That the white characters, identities and narratives are not the core of this scene is unfortunately kind of surprising. If there are white people around, why aren’t they getting centered? Because Lost is making a conscious attempt here to show experiences that are not normative to white americans. It is also making an attempt to show intricacies, contradictions, and irony in racial conversation. As far as a TV show like this can reasonably be, it’s realistic. Sayid would not necessarily know the background of racial tension in the US between black and asian people (Lee, 2023). Jin also would not necessarily be aware of this, because he himself is a Korean national, and also has the language barrier keeping him from understanding this particular point of tension. Lastly, Michael has reason to accuse him of racism, because as an American Black man, he’s no doubt experienced it in his life, from multiple sources. Lost presents context for the characters’ actions (it’s known for flashbacks, too) and also is understanding of multiple perspectives and not adhering to a binary view of race or experience. Despite its imperfections, Lost gave screen time and narrative depth to people who have not been historically represented in television, specifically in the action genre. Lost’s setting lends itself well to this breakdown of tradition, because once your plane crashes, the old world doesn’t really exist anymore.

References:

Lee, Carolyn. 2023. “Media Misrepresentation of the LA Race Riots from a Korean American Perspective.” 2023. https://www.dartmouth.edu/~hist32/History/S21%20-%20Media%20Misrepresentations%20of%20the%20LA%20Riot.htm.

Shohat, Ella, and Robert Stam. 1994. “Stereotype Realism and the Struggle Over Representation.” In Unthinking Eurocentrism. https://moodle.oxy.edu/pluginfile.php/1045121/mod_page/content/6/Shohat%20and%20Stam_Stereotype%20Realism%20and%20the%20Struggle%20Over%20Representation.pdf.

@theuncannyprofessoro

#oxyspeculativetv #speculativetvanalysis #Youtube

[mamamittens]

Hi! i'm a avid reader of fanfic and I recently saw some post about purity culture. What is purity culture?

This is a bit... Of an odd ask for me, but I'll try my best as someone who has grown up in the Bible Belt of America where purity culture is thick.

Uh, content warning for purity culture, rape, rape culture, and sex. It's complicated and quite unpleasant to get into, but I'll try not to drag down the conversation too much. It'll be a bit messy though, because it is a very large topic and I likely won't be able to cover a lot of it here without it being unwieldy or heavy to read.

Purity culture is in reference to... Well, it's a bit complicated and expansive, but at its root it's at least associated with Abrahamic faith practices based on sex and virginity.

Depending on where you live, you've likely already seen or experienced instances of it. Typically applied almost exclusively to girls and women, in fact.

Where it's viewed as an inherent value of a person based on their sexual activity (even perceived sexual activity). Wherein any 'sexual' act devalues someone, even if they don't quite say it so openly.

Like girls who have had a lot of boyfriends or are rumored to 'put out' a lot or are 'easy'. They're usually looked down on more than, say, the pious good girl that waits till marriage for sex. Depending on the extent, even kissing or thinking about romantic/sexual relationships are seen as sinful and requiring penance to 'earn back' their once 'pristine' purity.

This standard is rarely, if ever, applied to men and boys by the way.

An example would be the weird conference my school took us on at the end of elementary. It had a few seminars about self defense, the D.A.R.E program (say no to drugs thing), and the ending was a big speech about abstinence. Which is the most common way to perpetuate purity culture instead of education about sex, safe sex, and pregnancy.

There, there was what I believe to be a pastor, who gave a demonstration about why it was important to save yourself for marriage.

His chosen metaphor was a bar of chocolate (others include chewing gum or even cars), where the point he was trying to get across was that you wouldn't want a chocolate bar a lot of people have handled. That it gets gross and melts and is generally unappealing--he hilariously had to lick it cause the boy he chose to help demonstrate didn't give a shit about bare hands touching the chocolate bar.

There was also some weird part about how things get boring the more you do them and you naturally want to eventually get further and further. From holding hands until, before you know it, you're having sex cause you just can't get that rush from holding hands anymore.

I don't know. It was weird all around.

Anyway, my mom was horrified when I told her and that was all I needed to know it was bullshit.

In hindsight, the obvious conclusion is that the pastor was implying that people will think you're gross and won't want to be around you if you sleep with someone you're not married to.

On the surface it doesn't seem so bad, but the toxicity only grows when you realize things are rarely ever so simple.

Because there aren't exceptions in purity culture for abuse or rape. Or for the very real case where a relationship you thought was forever turns into just... A few years. If that. You're not suddenly lesser because you were sexually abused or thought you'd be with someone for the rest of your life.

But purity culture insists you must be. You, typically in this case, being a girl or woman because "boys will be boys" and "men have needs". Because your body, your purity and virginity, was supposed to be a "gift" to your husband, not something to be passed around lightly. Your body was, in the eyes of purity culture, never really yours to do with as you please.

For the unfortunate, purity culture is a toxic downward spiral you won't ever be viewed compassionately through. And for those that play along, they turn into commodities and vilified for not giving into their partners "urges" in many cases. Being called a prude, frigid, or uptight.

It's contradicting and unfair, toxic even for the men that barely need to worry about it to start with. Because sex in purity culture is a hot commodity and a need which mystifies a very common aspect of human relationships. Leading to unwise decisions or unfortunate circumstances such as teen pregnancy, rape, and sexual abuse in extreme cases.

Because purity culture also doesn't like to... Talk about sex in even the basic terms. "Leads to sin" as it were, but if you don't know anything about sex, how do you know you've had it? How are you supposed to realize you can get pregnant or contract an STD? If all you know is that sex is "something for husbands and wives to share" involving "special parts" how can you know when your naivete is being taken advantage of? How can you ask for help if you only know to call your parts (dick, vagina, whatever equipment you're working with) vague pleasantries like "butterfly" and "fishing pole" or whatever? So saying someone touched your "butterfly" or "fishing pole" sounds so innocuous, why would they be alarmed?

And it doesn't have to be just sex, by the way. Clothing and style choices also can be judged harshly in purity culture. I've seen girls be called whores for using tampons, dying their hair, reading romance novels, having guy friends, or wearing tank tops. Anything viewed as "promiscuous" or even vaguely "sexually appealing" can be used as an excuse to denounce your value under purity culture. Depending on how uh... Conservative in their belief they are. Hell, some girls are considered whores just for who their family is.

Or even your sexual attraction/orientation but that's like, an even bigger and more complicated can of worms based on where/when/and what type you're talking about.

I hope this helps and I absolutely encourage you to research more on the topic because I am only one person from a fairly laid back household on the topic of religion and sex. I know there are at least TedTalks on the matter, and even documentaries but fair warning, it can get pretty dark pretty quick.

#mittens answers #mittens rambles #tw: rape #tw: religious trauma #tw: purity culture #purity culture

[claratrevisanreanima]

on ‘why are americans afraid of dragons’

notes on the essay ‘why are americans afraid of dragons’ (1974), by ursula k. le guin

-‘Oh, we keep that only in the adult collection; we don’t feel that escapism is good for children.’ / “Fairy stories are for kids. I live in the real world.”

- “many Americans are not only antifantasy, but altogether antifiction. We tend, as a people, to look upon all works of the imagination either as suspect or as contemptible.”

- “To read War and Peace or The Lord of the Rings plainly is not “work” – you do it for pleasure. And if it cannot be justified as “educational” or as “self-improvement,” then, in the Puritan value system, it can only be selfindulgence or escapism. For pleasure is not a value, to the Puritan; on the contrary, it is a sin if an act does not bring in an immediate, tangible profit, it has no justification at all”

I think this text has so many good points. But I wondered if it was still current, since it was written in the 70s, and also if I felt it applied to outside the US and to animation specifically. I came to the conclusion it is still very current, haha. Applying this quotes to animation or to the brazilian scenery also seem to make a lot of sense. I feel like in the animation industry, even though it still suffers from a ‘declassification’ in the film universe, considered ‘less serious’, the films that talk about reality in a more direct way are still more respected. Maybe considered more ‘useful’..

- “But our businessman might allow himself to read a bestseller now and then: not because it is a good book, but because it is a bestseller – it is a success, it has made money. To the strangely mystical mind of the money-changer, this justifies its existence; and by reading it he may participate, a little, in the power and mana of its success. If this is not magic, by the way, I don’t know what it is;”

- “The American boy and man is very commonly forced to define his maleness by rejecting certain traits, certain human gifts and potentialities, which our culture defines as “womanish” or “childish.” And one of these traits or potentialities is, in cold sober fact, the absolutely essential human faculty of imagination;”

- “Fake realism is the escapist literature of our time. And probably the ultimate escapist reading is that masterpiece of total unreality, the daily stock market report;”

- “There is an inverse correlation between fantasy and money.”

Love this point, where she states the wanting to profit from a best-seller is also a magical belief - such as capitalism is a belief. Reading the stock market report is a sort of a ritual. Escapism is not to create and imagine dragon worlds, but holding on to fake representations of what some say reality should look like. As a way of maybe reassuring you are doing ‘the right thing’. Fantasy is less respected because it doesn’t play (explicitly) by the rules of what should make you more integrated in the general ‘success’ narrative. An animation where you don’t get any ‘useful’ perspectives or you don’t get explicit ‘self-growth’ seems to be considered automatically less important.

-“By “imagination,” then, I personally mean the free play of the mind, both intellectual and sensory. By “play” I mean recreation, re-creation, the recombination of what is known into what is new. By “free” I mean that the action is done without an immediate object of profit – spontaneously. That does not mean, however, that there may not be a purpose behind the free play of the mind, a goal; and the goal may be a very serious object. They have learned to repress their imagination, to reject it as something childish or effeminate, unprofitable, and probably sinful.’ They have learned to fear it. But they have never learned to discipline it at all.

- “Dragons and hobbits and little green men – what’s the use of it?” The truest answer, unfortunately, he won’t even listen to. He won’t hear it. The truest answer is, “The use of it is to give you pleasure and delight.”

Learning to discipline your imagination is the opposite of repressing it and trying to stick to a fake sterile ‘reality’. Imagination is real, imagination is what drives art and science. To imagine something is to play with it’s possibilities. Feeling pleasure out of ‘escaping’ our immediate surroundings, out of imagining other possibilities, shouldn’t be seen as a problem, but the start of the solutions. It allows a deeper understanding. But it also imagination doesn’t have to be a tool to solve things either. It could only be a joy, why not? we are all human, imagination is one of the essencial human traits - and pleasure is necessary to stay alive.

- “For fantasy is true, of course. It isn’t factual, but it is true. Children know that. Adults know it too, and that is precisely why many of them are afraid of fantasy. They know that its truth challenges, even threatens, all that is false, all that is phony, unnecessary, and trivial in the life they have let themselves be forced into living. They are afraid of dragons, because they are afraid of freedom.”

#writing #research

[marzipanandminutiae]

If you ever want to rant (I think you have in the past??) about the specific issues surrounding language in history when describing queer romance (aka Chopin's friend issue) I know I would love to hear it at least

Oh boy. It's. It's a lot.

So, first of all, in case anyone didn't read my blog description or is very very new here, I'm a gay woman. And a big history geek. Which means I really do get how frustrating- even infuriating -the erasure of queer people from history can be. It has been, and unfortunately continues to be, a massive stumbling-block in society's recognition of LGBT identities as an inherent, universal part of humanity.

Moreover, it just makes you feel really, really alone. To think there was never anyone like you before the 1960s...yes, that's incredibly disheartening.

However. I'm also a museum professional. So I also get how careful we have to be when talking about the past.

The terms people use for queer identities have a history of shifting around a lot. And, for a large chunk of at least western history, same-sex attraction in particular was less an identity and more a behavior. Something you did, not something you were. So in expressing these feelings, people might be less likely to label themselves than to just talk about what they were doing. Which means we don't even have preferred labels for them during their lifetimes, much less within the modern framework of queer identity.

Complicating things still further, the old Straight 1950s Historian rallying cry of "FRIENDS WERE MORE AFFECTIONATE BACK THEN!!!" is actually true. I mean, yeah, in some contexts it's a silencing tactic used to erase obviously queer relationships. But it's also just a real fact about western platonic friendships, for a long time. I have seen a lot of 19th-century primary sources to indicate that, yes, a woman could kiss her literal platonic female BFF on the lips and not have it mean anything sexual or romantic. In some eras and places, that applied to men, too. Pointing that out in the proper context is not erasing queer lives, because there are no known queer people involved.

And let's talk about "friend." The r/sapphoandherfriend crowd gets VERY torqued about this one. Let anybody with any hint of same-gender romance/sexuality be called the "friend" of someone they had a relationship with, and the gates of hell are flung wide. Again, this is another one that CAN be erasure, but definitely isn't always.

Straight married couples used to refer to each other as "my friend" or "my dearest friend" or whatever, all the time. Obviously society wouldn't use that term for them, except in poetic descriptions. But if you have a culture where "friend" can have connotations beyond "platonic bestie," you just might get queer couples also applying it to each other. And at that point, it might well be the only term we know for sure a given couple used. So what are we supposed to do but use their terms, describe what they did, and let the reader interpret that information?

"But you can tell what they'd call themselves today!" Sometimes. Sometimes we can't.

Anne Lister, for example, clearly and exclusively loved women. She also incorporated masculine elements into her gender presentation, sometimes used "male" nicknames, and felt strongly about that. We use she/her pronouns for her now, and call her a woman, because that's how she referred to herself. But given the modern spectrum of available terms and identities, would she still think of herself the same way? We don't know. All we can do is use the information these people give us, and their chosen self-descriptors, unless it's EXTREMELY clear-cut.

Finally, as a queer person working in the historical sector, it's incredibly depressing to me to see other queer people talking about how "historians erase queer identity" as a blanket statement. Because we're here! We're real! We're trying our best to uncover and amplify the stories of our ancestors, because we know how awful erasure feels! Don't minimize our work like that.

And don't say you want acknowledgment of queer people in history, then turn around and shit on it because it doesn't always fit into neat, modern Identity Boxes.

#academic erasure #queer history #ask #anon #rant #queer erasure #half the examples on r/sapphoandherfriend are scholarly articles #that make the subject's queerness PERFECTLY PLAIN #they just don't use modern terminology. so it must be erasure!!!!!!!

[cinnamonest]

Heya!!!

I suddenly had this idea of papa zhongli or younger brother xiao in ancient au, you know the dark history of china forcing women into lotus foot that kinda thing?? Anyway imagine being forced starting from your birth to foot binding because not only it shows your status, it only makes you attractive too to potential suitors... But it could apply too to forced femalization??(idk if this right)

Papa zhongli is always strict and stern with you looking good both in public and private but that's because ever since his wife died you become his light in life and while growing up, his feelings for syart to astray from familial to sexual desire?? (Idk what to name it...

Maybe he denied it at first although as time goes by he's get turned on to the idea of you being cute and small compared to him and masturbate to your voice calling him daddy... So because of his love to his baby girl/boy he shoos their suitors and maybe tell them lies about no one wanting them because their feet isn't smaller (5ft is the silver - few to none suitors, 4 bronze and 3 is gold which have more suitors than the other two)

(help my mind isn't working anymore 😭😭)

Zhongli can also take them as his wife afterall marrying your family and relatives is a common thing back then, and it's not like they're going to runaway right?

(I watched a past few days about this and it blown me away from how much pain these girls endure all their whole life and men being fine with it because it means a working housewife slave

I'm sorry my mind gave up on me while i write this 😅😅

Ahh yeah I've learned more about that in my major classes, it's one of those historical enforced beauty standards, similar to how they forced extremely tight corsets onto women in western Europe -- both caused long-term disfigurement and potentially posed a risk to the woman, and there's lots of similar practices across history in virtually every culture unfortunately. In real life obviously they were awful, but yeah they were all part of an effort to force women into a narrow standard of femininity, even if that meant causing them harm.

BUT moving away from depressing realities, the whole idea of narrow boxes to shove girls into also did apply to dress codes -- you had to constantly dress correctly, many eras/cultures even had strict standards on hair, you essentially had to look nice all the time, be a good little trophy wife. This also meant that reputation could be easily ruined if you were perceived as not feminine enough. Not to mention, you couldn't be seen associating with men, often times (depending on the culture/era) even talking to a man who wasn't family could be seen as distasteful. Of course, his lil girl would have to uphold the perfect standard of femininity and follow the dress codes, and if she should not do that... well, it should be obvious, he tells her, why she has no marriage offers, she's ruined her reputation. Sigh. But maybe it's for the better. She's so forgetful, so clumsy about it, that even if she did get married, her husband would end up upset with her over her inability to meet the standards... he scares her with the notion that she might be written off as a bad wife. But maybe it's better for her this way, he will always forgive her, and finds her failures endearing, even. He will always love her in a way no one else will.

#lena's asks #q #tw: incest #tw: misogyny #lmk if this needs any additional tw #tw: ff

[mypoisonedvine]

Can u pls write something like dark!reader x steve rogers high school AU , where R is rich spoil brat & she always had a crush on steve but she always bully him by calling him skinny and all and Then yrs later, time changes her family discarded her from will and she becomes poor and need job, got hired for PA by dark ceo!steve rogers who she bullied her all school lifee😈😈

okay this is a lot for a headcanon but I don’t have time to do a whole oneshot BUT I also really like it so we’re gonna just make a longass headcanon here we gooooo

warnings for heavy dub con, choking, slapping, degradation (by steve), bullying (by the reader), abortion mention, brief mention of/implied assault.

“heyo pipsqueak” you called out to get steve’s attention, laughing when he frowned.  “looks like you grew a whole inch over summer, be sure to have your mom draw a line in pencil on the doorframe.”

he just rolled his eyes and got back to chatting with his friend.  not friends, friend, cause he only had one: bucky, who snarled at you as well.

“pick on someone your own size, if you can find somebody with as big a head as you,” bucky shot back, making you scoff.

“you know, it’s a shame you hang out with this deformed freak, you could’ve been popular.  you’ve got the looks for it.”

“I’d rather keep my brains, thanks,” bucky explained as you walked away with your posse of fellow popular kids.

you didn’t used to be so mean to steve.  it was sort of a comedy of errors, really.  you two had been friends in elementary school-- you, him, and bucky were the rambunctious trio up until middle school.  

things change for boys and girls in middle school.  guys just get along with each other and don’t think about it much.  girls, though... girls need to be sharp.  it’s eat or be eaten.  and you wanted to eat.

you were lucky that you developed early.  it meant that girls respected you and boys feared you-- not just for your attractive features but for the fact that you loomed a foot over most of them.

you started to take advantage of it.  and by the time you realized you had feelings for your best friend steve, it was already too late-- he was at the bottom of the food chain and you were at the top.  

you told your new girl friends that you wanted to take steve to the sadie hawkins.  they laughed at you.  for a moment, you felt what it was like to be outcast and you never wanted to feel it again.  so, you told steve and bucky that you’d grown apart.  and you were happy to just be former friends...

it was steve that started it.  he called you out.  he told you that you were nothing like who he used to know-- you had become vapid and cold and narcissistic.

“you’re so busy worrying about what other people think, you never take the time to think for yourself.”  that was what he said.  and it fucking hurt.

“saw you talking to your boyfriend steve the dweeb,” your friend tanya announced at lunch just a few minutes after that conversation.  and you were angry, and hurt, and truly friendless despite being surrounded by other popular girls.  so you said some things you could never take back.

“steve?  as if.  did you know he still sleeps with a security blanket?  and he has his friend bucky fight for him every week cause if he took a punch he’d crumble to dust?”

and so, mortal enemies were formed.  it only got worse in high school, as you fought to secure your title at the top while steve and bucky’s presence filled your heart with guilt and your gut with anger.

if only you’d known how quickly you could fall from your high horse.

it started when you dated tanya’s ex, brock.  she was made so she spread a rumor that you would fuck any guy on the football team, even all of them at once.

apparently, a lot of people believed it since tanya had been your sidekick since 6th grade.

two football players believed it.  and when you wouldn’t follow through on it, you got yourself a black eye.

that meant you missed school for a week because you couldn’t possibly show up looking like that.  tanya told everyone it was because you got grounded and sent away to church camp after your parents caught you in bed with one of the neighbors.  so now your reputation was ‘sleeps with football players and old men.’

only brock had been there for you.... but it turned out he had motives of his own.  you had originally planned to wait until college, but brock was clearly wanting something in return for putting up with dating pariah #1... so you let him take your virginity.

the condom broke.  when you dashed to the trash can to hurl in the middle of history class, you knew something was wrong.  (and lost that many more social points in the process.)

brock dumped you the second he found out you were pregnant.  didn’t even help you pay for the abortion.  he got back together with tanya and told her the real reason for your ‘medical absence’.  and that was the last straw for the former homecoming queen.

the humiliation drove you to some.... poor choices, for the next few years.  you tried not to think about them now, but it was hard not to when their consequences were staring you right in the face: no money, no job, nearly homeless, and desperate.

over a hundred job applications later, only one had called you back and scheduled an interview.  and you only needed one.

so there you were, waiting in the chilly lobby area while the receptionist typed away and chomped her gum, tapping your toes and glancing out the window occasionally.

you were surprised when you had been told your interview would be on the 51st floor.  you sort of assumed it would just be some random manager interviewing you, not somebody important enough to have a waiting room like this, or a view like this.

when a man stepped out from the nearby hallway, your eyes went wide.  he was tall, and handsome, and obviously muscular underneath the exquisite suit.  you suddenly felt underdressed in your hand-me-down business clothes.

then he called your name.  and you realized he was going to interview you.

you stood up and nodded.  “you can follow me to my office,” he instructed with a smile, leading you down the hall to the corner office.  you were in awe of the grandiosity of it all.  you were dumbfounded when you saw CEO on the door.

“there must have been a mistake,” you explained as he shut the door behind you.  “I... I’m just interviewing for an entry-level position.”

“no, there’s no mistake,” he shook his head, “I have you exactly where I want you.  take a seat.”

he circled his desk and sat on the other side of it, resting his elbows on the desk and giving you an oddly smug smile.  an awkward silence was finally broken when he realized, “you must not remember me.”

“I... have we met?” 

“I don’t blame you, I look pretty different,” he shrugged.  “I must’ve grown a whole inch this summer.”

you gave him a confused look before realization dawned on you, along with shame, and fear.

“oh... oh my god, Steve?!” you squawked.  he just grinned.  “you look... you look...”

“taller?”

sexy.

“you look great!” you said aloud instead.

“yeah,” he agreed, “wish I could say the same for you.”

you swallowed dryly.  “so that’s what you want,” you sighed, “to get back at me.  I understand.  I deserve it...”

“I don’t want revenge,” he denied.  “I’m just sorry to see you haven’t been... thriving, since high school.  your job history--” he scanned your resume briefly-- “well, you don’t have one.  have you been slumming it all this time?”

“without my parents’ money?  yeah,” you admitted.  

“surprised you applied here, instead of turning tricks on 5th and Columbus.”

your back straightened and your eyes went wide at that comment.

“I mean, you’re already dressed for it,” he smirked.

you stood up and crossed your arms.  “if you’re just going to insult me, then I’ll leave now.  I’m sorry for everything I did to you, steve,” you announced, voice shaky with oncoming tears.

“can you really afford to leave?” he pressed.  “if you have a chance at a job?”

that, unfortunately, got your attention.  “you... you might actually offer me something?”

“I will offer you something,” he corrected, “if you just sit down and listen.”

you relented, returning to your seat.  you could stand a lot more insults if there was money on the line.

“to be honest, there’s no way I can hire you for the position you applied for,” he sighed.  “you’re just underqualified.  but I think I can create a position for you.”

you liked the sound of that.  “what kind of position?”

“well, that’s tricky, seeing as you don’t have any skills,” he frowned, “except one.  so that’s the one I plan on using.”

the look in his eyes made it all too clear what he was referring to, but as you shrunk into the leather chair he went ahead and clarified.

“I’ll pay you whatever salary you saw in the ad.  but you won’t be doing data analysis or office management or anything like that.  all you’ll be doing is spreading your legs for me whenever I fucking want.”

fear shot up your spine; his eyes were devouring you, pinning you to the chair, and you tried to process that.  “I--”

“before you say anything,” he interrupted immediately, “let’s just be perfectly clear that this might be your only shot at a real job.  what I’m offering has better pay than stripping, and better benefits than hooking.  and unless you have any education or experience I don’t know about, you’re totally fucked.”

“seems like I’m fucked either way,” you mumbled, making him laugh.

“see, you’ve still got that sharp tongue,” he grinned.  “can’t wait to put it to better use.”

maybe it was just desperation for cash.  maybe it was because he was good-looking and you could do a lot worse.  maybe it was because, on some level, you felt like you deserved his punishment after how horribly you’d treated him.

“I’ll do it,” you sighed.  “when do I start?”

he stood up and reached across the desk to grab your neck, glaring at you.  “right now.”

his free hand was already fumbling with his belt, the one on your throat guiding you downwards.  “on your knees,” he instructed, and you slipped out of the chair and onto the floor.

he let go of your neck and you figured he was going to come to you, but instead he stood still and demanded: “crawl.”

debasing as it was, you crawled on your knees to his side of the desk, and he laughed at you bitterly.  when you reached his feet and popped back up, you gasped at the sight of his hard cock right in front of your face. it was bigger than your face.  and it was dripping precum.

“don’t get so bug-eyed, you can handle it,” he grinned.  “if your mouth’s as big as I remember...”

you didn’t want to hear any more.  you just wanted to get this over with, so you quickly took his head between your lips and started to suck.  you were shocked when he slapped you, hard enough to knock his length from your mouth and to make you reach up and clutch your stinging cheek.

“fucking whore,” he grimaced, “did I say you could put it in your mouth?  god, you’re so fucking desperate.  just open your fucking mouth and I’ll show you what I want, okay?”

you nodded and stammered an apology, looking up at him with watery eyes and an open mouth.  he swiped the latest drop of precum on your tongue before gliding his cock over it, grabbing your hair to keep you steady as he pushed himself to the back of your throat.

“fuck, that’s better,” he sighed.  “so much better when you just do what you’re told.  I remember how you used to be so cruel with this mouth.  now you’re being so welcoming...”

you just sat there and let him use your mouth, trying not to gag when he hit your throat.

“look up at me,” he instructed, “yeah, that’s it.  can’t have you forgetting who’s doing this to you, now can we?”

that went on for a bit longer until mascara-stained tears streaked your face, which he seemed rather proud of.

“damn, wouldn’t mind having you swallow my come right now,” he admitted, “but I have bigger plans.  get up, bend over my desk.”

you coughed briefly when he pulled out, but did as you were told.  he instantly yanked your skirt up over your ass and spanked you several times roughly, making you sob and whine.

“wanna see this ass all bruised up in the shape of my hand,” he explained.  “so we can both remember how hard I fucked you.”

he tore your panties like they were paper, chuckling when he found you already wet.

“dripping already, just from choking on my cock?  poor baby...”

you spread your legs slightly, though you were sure nothing was going to adequately prepare you for his size.

“you figured out how to use birth control since graduating, right?” he asked, and you nodded quickly.  “good.  cause I’m not using a condom,” he continued as he let his cock glide over your folds, groaning slightly, “and there’s no way in hell I’m pulling out.”

he pushed forward in one brutal stroke, making you cry out loudly.  you really hoped these rooms were mostly soundproof.

“shit, you’re tight,” he hissed, already pulling back and thrusting back in.  “clearly you recovered from your years of slutting it up in high school.”

“that-- that wasn’t true,” you defended.

“oh, just shut up,” he growled.

he fucked you fast and deep, his hips pushing yours into the edge of his desk with each thrust.  his hands pinned you down at your shoulders, another reminder that you were entirely at his mercy.

“fuck, this is just what you needed... somebody to put you in your place.  makes sense that it should be me, since you hated me so much.”

“I didn’t h-hate you,” you hiccuped. 

“yeah, you wanted me, didn’t you?”

“always,” you admitted.

“wanted my fat fuckin’ cock to tear up your pussy?  is that it?”

“yes,” you moaned, “yes, steve, wanted to be yours.”

“even when I was skinny and short?”

“even when you hated me,” you added.

he growled slightly and you felt your walls tighten around him suddenly.  he chuckled, clearly aware that you were enjoying this.

“you want more, baby?  want me to fuck you harder?”

“whatever you want,” you answered instead.  “just use me however you want.”

he moaned and leaned down to cage your body in with his.  “fuck, baby... you’re taking this better than I thought you would.  such a good girl for me, huh?  such a good little slut.  want me to use you, baby?  take all my anger out on you?”

“yes,” you whispered, sobbing when he began to fuck you more brutally than you thought possible.  but it felt good.  so good that your legs were shaking, so good that you felt even better when he tugged your hair.

“yeah, gonna come on my cock, aren’t you?” 

you nodded and bit your lip.

“m’ close too,” he admitted, “you’re gonna be so full of my come, it’s gonna be dripping down your legs when you walk out of here...”

your orgasm made your body shake and your eyes roll back.

“fuck, I can feel you coming,” he groaned, “fuck, just like that-- fuck!”

you felt his warmth fill you as his cock flexed against your walls.  you were busy trying to catch your breath when he slumped down on top of you and pushed the air from your lungs.

“damn... didn’t think I was gonna come that fast,” he sighed.  “see what you do to me?  fuck, I knew this was a good idea.”

sure, it felt good, but you were sure he was only going to get rougher and meaner the longer this went on.  you couldn’t imagine how you were going to get out of here without somebody noticing your wrinkled clothes, messed-up hair and, as he’d pointed out himself, come all over your thighs.

“guess I’ll see you at 8am tomorrow, huh?” he chuckled, giving you an unexpected peck on the cheek.  you couldn’t answer, though, interrupted by the phone on his desk ringing.  “oh, sorry, gotta get this.”

he reached for the phone and picked it up, bringing to his ear all without pulling out of you or even lifting his body from on top of yours.

“bucky, hey,” steve grinned as he spoke into the phone, looking down at you and stroking your hair, “you’re not gonna believe who I ran into today...”

#dark!steve rogers x reader #ceo!steve rogers x reader #dark!steve rogers hc #dark!steve rogers smut #Anonymous

[stydiaeverafter]

Ch2: Hidden Nightmares

Summary: Heather helps Ray through his nightmares but also worries about her own—her future.

Rated: T

Warnings: PTSD from the challenges of Panic

A/N: Thank you for all the kind words! I'm excited to continue this story between Nillhall. As much as I love writing from Ray's POV, I will be switching back and forth as the story goes on. I hope you all enjoy it!

Read on ao3

***

"I'm scared I'm falling in love with you." Heather could not get those words out of her head. They were floating alongside so many feelings that she couldn't ignore, even if she wanted to.

"I'm scared, too." It was the truth. Ray had been right. Since the challenge, everything frightened Heather. Sometimes she didn't know which way was up from down.

After she received the money from the Bagman, Heather was living in a constant state of anxiety. It didn't help that someone had thrown a scarecrow dummy at her car—a warning that Panic wasn't through with her, that she was being watched.

Though, she had been the fool and hadn't told anybody about it. Heather had wanted to wait to see if anything else would happen. Plus, she knew that Ray would freak, and she didn't want him going off the deep end, primarily because of her.

Besides worrying if someone wasn't through with her yet, the money would be stolen. The challenge was just beginning. Heather also thought about the relationship with Ray.

They were in the beginning stages of figuring out what this all meant between them. Heather had joked, saying, "We don't have to fall in love, Ray,"  but she realized soon after that the falling was inevitable.

Heather had been falling in love with him since he finally had opened up to her at the Player's Ball. Even though she had tried to push anything serious from her mind, fate had a different path for her.

Ray brought out a wild, not-so-sheltered side of her. It was fun, exciting, and new. Natalie, before leaving Carp, had warned her for the millionth time, saying men like Ray don't always change. But the problem was that many people didn't actually know the real Ray Hall. They saw what was surface deep—not the man behind the iron mask.

She was taking the time to really get to know Ray after so many years of witnessing the facade.

It had been almost a month since the game and surrounding herself around Ray Hall. Heather tried to keep digging to get to know him, even though they had difficulty keeping their hands off each other. There was a chemistry between them that was electrifying. She knew he felt it, too, as he would often tremble when they kissed.

They had hooked up a few times, still not having sex, and she was grateful he was willing to take it slow after what had happened at Graybill Manor.

However, Heather couldn't stop thinking about that. This part Natalie didn't have to warn her about. It was only the truth that Ray had hooked up with many girls and had since their freshman year. As she replayed Graybill Manor often in her mind, Heather still couldn't figure out why he had gotten so upset. Part of her whispered that it was because what was going on between them had been different for him, special,  and when she had said, "What's the big deal," it had stuck him in the heart. But was that the real reason? Maybe so, now that she knew he was falling for her. But would it last? In her mind, she was sometimes scared she was one of the many on his list, and when he was bored, he'd throw her to the side. However, her heart would beat, saying that was a lie. This man loves you. He'll wait.

Heather had fumbled a lie saying she wasn't a virgin, but the truth was, she very much was. She had wanted to wait for the right person and always thought it would be with Bishop. But they had failed romantically, and that was okay. Sometimes just being best friends was enough.

Being around Ray, her thoughts shifted, and more and more did she want her first time to be with him. But how could she tell him that? Unless he already knew. That man was perceptive.

She looked over at him, sleeping in the sun on his boat as she wrote ideas for her stories that would probably never be published. The way he encouraged her to write was as beautiful as watching the sun touch his face in the light.

His arms were folded, and his eyes were closed in a peaceful way. He looked younger this way, not the troubled adolescent who had been forced to grow up too soon, even though she knew exactly how that felt.

Ray truly was gorgeous, and she resisted the urge to run her fingers down his cheek. Instead, she gripped her pen tightly and continued to write.

Writing gave her purpose. The inner words, too scared to speak, found their escape into the world. Heather wanted so desperately to take her writing a step further. But to do that, college was a must. She had more than enough money, but part of her was scared to use it, and the other part didn't want to leave Lily or Ray. This hadn't been the first time Heather considered taking her sister with her, but could she give her the life she deserved? It sure would be a hell of a lot better than what their mom was giving them. But it was a custody battle she didn't want to play, even though she was 18 now.

That didn't stop Heather from still applying to the University of Austin, the place she always saw herself going. She looked back down at Ray, wondering how he would take the news that she had applied. Heather knew he had changed a lot from the boy before Panic, but would he be willing to do long-distance?

Her thoughts evaporated as Ray started thrashing around, whimpering in his sleep. She closed her notebook and made her way over to him.

"No...don't...don't leave me. Heather..." She froze at his words, wondering if he knew exactly what she had been thinking only seconds before. "No, help. No...."

Heather knew Ray spoke in his sleep, especially with his nightmares—the unfortunate pleasure of having a traumatic past—but this seemed unusual. Worse in numerous ways, especially given how Ray was shaking like a scared child.

"Ray! Ray, wake up." Heather shook his bare arms as he tossed around the small boat. "Ray!"

Finally, his eyes shot open, and he gazed up at her as Heather attempted to block the sun from his eyes.

"Heather?" Ray asked after a moment, sitting up slightly, his body covered in sweat.

"It's me. I'm here," Heather replied, bending down to gently kiss his forehead. "Are you okay? You were having another nightmare."

Instead of answering right away, he just gazed into her eyes as if he were getting lost in something that only he could see. Then all of a sudden, Ray shook his head and ran a hand through his already messy curls. "I'm fine. Sorry to worry you."

"How often are you getting them?"

"Nah," Ray shrugged, "it's not a big deal. Just my fucked up brain." He ran his fingers gently through her hair, a habit that had formed since spending so much time together. "No worries, babe."

"Ray, stop it." Heather gripped his hand tightly, and he froze, "Don't do that! Please don't push me away. It's a big deal to me if it's hurting you." She placed her palm against his warm cheek, and the facade disappeared instantly as Ray closed his beautiful blue eyes.

It still took a lot for Ray to be vulnerable, but he would for her. Sometimes though, it took a bit of convincing. Old habits die hard. She was working on letting someone in as well.   In her past, Heather had to be a closed-off box inside her own comfort zone—being with Ray expanded everything she knew. It was scary but worth it.

"I'm sorry," Ray responded, opening his eyes. "I don't mean to be an asshole, especially not to you. I appreciate that you want to be there for me. Guess I'm still getting used to it, though." Heather nodded with a smile, confirming that she understood the journey and making positive changes. He sighed deeply as he took her hands into his lap. "The dreams?" Heather bit her lip, waiting for when he was ready. "You. Lately, so many of them are about you."

"Me?" He nodded. Heather squeezed his hand, "Can you tell me what this one was about?"

Ray glanced up at her, with a crestfallen expression, "You left me again."

Her heart stopped in her chest—Ray must've known. Heather cleared her throat, "Left you how exactly?"

"It was the fire this time. I could see your lifeless body on the ground as we tried to do CPR. But...it didn't work. Just a reminder that even when I ran in to help you, I was the one who couldn't save you."

Heather gasped and held her breath, "You ran into Graybill?" He nodded with a sad defeated grin. "I had no idea. No one told me. Why didn't you?"

"Explain how I couldn't find you?" Ray shuttered, gripping her hands tightly. "You almost died, Heather; I felt like a failure."

Heather couldn't explain what that meant to her. He had tried to get to her, even if he hadn't found her. Ray had searched for her, even after their argument and him calling what had happened between them a mistake. They weren't a mistake; they never would be.

"It means the world to me that you tried, though. I hope you know that." He didn't answer her, so Heather went back to the dream, remembering to focus on the issue at hand. "But damn, I'm sorry you keep reliving it," she whispered. Heather scooted closer to him in the small space. "It was a close call, but I'm okay."

"I never know which one is worse. They're all fucking horrible." Ray let go over her hands and covered his eyes with a groan, "Last night's dream, you fell off the plank, right through my damn fingers."

"The challenge is over, Ray. We both made it out in one piece." Now was definitely not the time to tell him about the weird dummy being thrown at her car. She really didn't want to send him into a nervous breakdown.

"Maybe that's what Panic does to you, though, screws with your mind even after it's over."

Heather sighed, "But the nightmares are only of me?"

"Yeah, and I fuckin' hate it. I'd rather it be me."

She shook her head rapidly—Heather wouldn't want that...never. "No, don't say that. Listen, I know they're probably terrifying as all hell, but I'm okay. See?"

He nodded but didn't look at her. Heather could tell that Ray was still far away in that mind of his. "Ray, I'm here." Heather took his hands and placed them firmly on her shoulders. "Feel me. I'm not leaving you."

Ray finally peered at her. The look reminded her of the day he told her he was scared he was falling in love with her. "Promise?"

It was a double-edged sword making the promise to Ray. If she got accepted into UT, Heather would be leaving him unless he came with her, which she doubted he would. But she had to do something to alleviate his worries, at least for a little while. "I promise, sweetheart."

His lips were on hers before she realized Ray had moved. "I love it when you call me that."

She smiled at his words spoken against her mouth, feeling a small dose of relief. But as he kissed her softly, Heather felt like she could cry at the desperation behind it. As much as she yearned to leave Carp, she was terrified to say goodbye to Ray Hall—the man she loved.

#nillhall #nillhall fic #heather x ray #heather nill #ray hall #panic fic #panic amazon #panic tv series #post-canon #tw: ptsd #*my fic

[swagless-talks-alot]

Memories

Middle school. 

Rusty benches, rotting lockers, and prepubescent children. 

8th period is when I learned that he would be moving away. He would get to move out of this hell hole and move to a brand new country. 

"Are you ever going to come back?" I had asked as I unpacked my History notebook from my bag. But before he could answer, his loud ass friends entered the room.  Mark was the type of guy who wasn't immensely popular himself, but people knew him and he knew people. Most were either jealous of him, or loved him, no in between. 

I would say I was more on the jealous side. Not only was he on the dance team, my friends wouldn't shut about how "nice he is" or "how adorable he is" or "how good he is at math". 

"Have you read his poems? Apparently he has a poem book."

It's not just my friends either, it's my parents too. Unfortunately for me, Mark's parents and my parents are part of the same friend circle. Which means constant comparison. Ever since elementary school. 

But it's not like they were wrong. And it didn't help that I liked him either. It may have been my 13 year old hormones, or the fact that his smile seemed to light up the world around him, but despite how sickly jealous I was, I was so entranced. I remember crying after hearing a rumour that he liked someone one day. A weird occurrence as I never cried over anything. The rumour turned out to be false because I asked him about it the next day and he said "No, who is that?". 

We were what I would call acquaintances. One of my friends dated one of his friends in 6th grade for a week before breaking up in the most dramatic way possible. 

"You know, I heard they kissed once," I remember telling Mark. 

He replied with a grimace and said, "Eww that's gross, why would you kiss someone?" 

I remember laughing and telling him that it wasn't a big deal. 

After that, we talked once in a while. If we were in the same class, we would ask each other about homework or make basic small talk if none of his friends were around. 

And so, as History class ended, the 13-year-old boy came up to me. "Sorry for ignoring your question earlier, uhh I don't know if I'm coming back or not actually. I think I'm going to be living in Korea for a while," he smiled. "Don't tell anyone about it okay?" He said playfully. "Shhh". 

He giggled, put on his backpack, and ran up to catch up with his friends. 

And that was the last time I ever saw him. 

Honestly, I was glad. I thought that the source of my insecurities was gone and that my crush on him would disappear. I was a progressive child, so I got over him quickly, but unfortunately I still had my insecurities. I thought I would never cross paths with him again and as bittersweet as it sounds, I preferred it over the constant conflict in my heart whenever I saw him. I got over my insecurities slowly, throughout high school. My life without Mark Lee, was great, wonderful even. So then why, at the thought of seeing him again, run at the chance to intern at his company? My desperate ass didn't even search him up on google because I didn't want to know what he looked like now. My view of him is still of a 5'4 teenager boy, with a high pitched voice and braces. So when I was met with a guy who looked too handsome to be real, you could expect that I was taken aback. 

Mark, who I wasn't sure was Mark, was wearing a plain black shirt and some khakis. He also had light blue hair that looked really soft but also looked slightly fried, perhaps from the dye. 

"This is Mark Lee right, I heard you were the one who was supposed to show me to the intern manager or something."

"Uhh yeah! I'm Mark, nice to meet you. What's your name?" He said enthusiastically. 

He didn't remember me. Or he just wasn't sure. I didn't want to seem insane by saying I went to his old school so I kept quiet. 

"I'm Hannah Wang, I'm from Vancouver", I shifted my weight onto my other leg nervously. 

"Wait, Hannah Wang? Did you ever go to Westwood Middle?" Mark asked, his eyes lighting up. 

He remembered. Holy shit, Mark Lee remembered me. "Yeah, I was waiting for you to say something." I said as we walked into the recording room. "You uh, glew up a lot, I could barely recognize you." 

"Ah really? You glew up a lot too- not that you weren't pretty back then- I mean not like that-" Mark panicked.

"So you didn't think I was pretty?" I chuckled. 

We began walking inside the building, and the recording rooms became visible.

"No I mean you were, and still are- ahh" Mark's face was now 3x redder than it was before. 

“You’re bold, calling me pretty and all” I laughed as I scanned the posters on the wall. “Who are they?” I pointed to a poster of 10 men who looked around my age. I noticed that Mark was on it. He was wearing a race car? jacket and had black hair with blonde highlights. 

Mark, who was noticeably all flustered, took a moment to respond. “Ahh that’s the group I’m in… one of them at least.” 

I looked at him. “You’re in another group?” 

He nervously laughed, “Yeah it’s no big deal. I’m in this one, NCT 127, SuperM and NCT Dream.” 

“Well wow…” After all of these years, he was still out here doing the most. “I expected nothing less haha” I joked. “It must be hard.” 

“Yeah.. well I like being busy so it’s honestly very fun.” He said with a smile. “Wait, you’re interning at SM but you don’t know the groups?”

“Dude, I’ve been so busy I haven’t kept up with anything. My friend told me to apply for an internship here and I accepted it as a joke because I didn’t think I’d get in. I didn’t know you became a k-pop idol until like a month ago.” 

“Oooh” Mark nodded understandingly. He started walking to some of the other rooms. “Uhh I think I’m supposed to show you to Mr. Kim? He told me to tell you that he was sorry he couldn’t meet with you in person. There’s a slight chance he might be infected..” Mark frowned. “I’ll escort you to a room where you can meet with him. You came kind of early so I need to get the other two interns as well.” He turned to look at me.  “Does that sound good?” 

I honestly didn’t hear half of what he said because I was staring at his face. “Yeah yeah sounds good!” I centered myself again. 

We went to an auditorium which was quite huge but empty. I assumed press conferences were held here. There was also a huge projector screen at the front of it which had Zoom open. 

“You can just sit at any of the tables,” Mark said. “Oh yeah Mr.Kim asked me if you were vaccinated yet?” 

I nodded. “Yep all good and immune to the virus.” I smiled. 

And then he left and I was all alone in an empty black room. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I exhaled. (Yes and the floor is made up of floor.) I also didn’t realize how fast my heart was beating. Honestly, he hadn’t changed at all. Looking at him unlocked so much nostalgia of my younger days and I blushed to myself at the thought of the journal entries I wrote about him as a child. I wanted to talk to him about so much and I wondered why I didn’t reach out to him sooner. It had been an insanely long time since I last thought about my old “rival”, and I only started pondering it when I realized I would be interning at his company. Him becoming an idol wasn’t actually too surprising, my journal entries told me that he was into dancing a lot and I do recall him performing a Shinee song at one of our “family meetups”. I don’t have a lot of memories from middle school but that’s one that I can recall pretty vividly. He was doing it with 2 of his other friends and the performance was really funny because one of the kids fell and hit his nose on the edge of the sofa. I wonder if he remembered all of this. 

I was taken out of my thoughts when two other people, accompanied by Mark, walked into the room. They were a guy and a girl who both looked a little older than me and they didn’t look like they knew each other. They both took seats at separate tables. Mark on the other hand walked up to me. 

“I think the meeting will start in a bit.” He smiled. “I have to go but good luck with everything! It’s insane how we met again after like… 7 years? Dude, I miss Vancouver so much I really hope we can talk later and catch up on everything y'know?” 

I laughed a little, glad that he felt the same way as me. “Yeah definitely! So many things changed after you left, I swear to god it’s like a completely different place.”

“Yeah I visited once on tour-” his phone started ringing. “Shoot, they’re gonna kill me. I have to go, Hannah. Uhhh I’ll see you around?” 

I smiled. “Yeah I’ll see you around.”

#marklee #mark lee #mark #nct #mark x reader #mark fanfic #mark oneshot #fluff #nct 127 #nct dream #nct u #super m #oneshot #lee minhyung #leeminhyung #lee mark #mark x y/n #mark lee x y/n

[does-it-really-matter]

Demonising Femininity

🤍 Disclaimer- In this article, we are mostly talking about femininity in the aspect of make-up, fashion, etc. Stereotypically feminine and masculine things are a social construct, and it is okay for anyone of any gender to engage in their preferred form of expression.

“You run like a girl.”

“Man up.”

These two sentences both talk about behaving like a certain gender, yet one is uplifting, while the other is an insult. It’s not hard to guess which is which.

We know that misogyny exists, and being a woman in itself comes with a lot of challenges. But it’s even worse when one is traditionally feminine.

So, what is femininity?

The concept of femininity varies across cultures, but it is generally the various characteristics and traits that are attributed to women. However, as these are personality traits, they can be exhibited by anybody regardless of gender. According to popular belief, it includes sensitivity, tenderness, kindness, passiveness, etc. In the modern world, it is also equated with the combination of wearing make-up, being concerned about their physical appearance, and ambition. But there isn’t a real definition of femininity as it is pretty much a spectrum encompassing certain traits. These certain personality traits and characteristics got gendered because society had a specific role for each gender, and they evolved these traits to better adapt to those particular roles. While both masculine and feminine traits can be found in everyone in various combinations, society expects men to show more masculinity, and women to show more femininity.

When and how did it get demonised?

Misogyny can be traced all the way back to ancient Greece, with the myth of Pandora’s box, where Pandora opened the box and unleashed misery upon mankind. Therefore the blame for all of man’s problems was placed upon the shoulders of a woman, and it all went downhill from there. As the original colonizers, the Greek spread this tale into the places they conquered, and misogyny took root in all the cultures around. This idea of women being inferior was also propagated by the tale of Adam and Eve in the Old Testament, where Eve made Adam eat the forbidden apple, which led to the downfall of man.

In the 1950s in the USA, women who had taken up civilian jobs during world war 2, were now expected to go back to being housewives, or taking up more ‘feminine’ jobs which would ultimately pay less. Due to this, in the second wave of feminism that started in the early 1960s, women rioted and started dressing and acting more ‘masculine’ in the hopes of being taken seriously by their male counterparts, and getting the jobs they needed. This meant that they denounced make-up and high heels and other such ‘feminine’ things.

So presenting as more masculine in that era was unfortunately required for women to empower themselves. But why do we still look down on those who present themselves in a feminine fashion today? We see it everyday; women who wear more make-up are considered shallow, women who like to dress in pink and have blonde hair are considered to be stupid and childish, and those who conform to this kind of femininity and are ambitious are chalked up to be mean and selfish, especially in the media.

In common teenage coming-of-age movies, and young adult fiction, the antagonist is generally a stereotypically feminine and preppy girl, while the protagonist is more of a tomboy and an outcast. The antagonist is made to be a villain with only their own motives in mind, with no other personality traits whatsoever. Though this does not embody what femininity means, it still depicts the appearance of hyper femininity as something that should be shunned. This is common even in movies targeted towards other audiences, such as Dreamworks' 'Shark Tale', where one female fish is strongly ambitious, while being concerned about her physical appearance. However, she is given the role of the villain, while the female love interest is, to be frank, bland and more passive, with her whole personality being just the love interest.

This kind of stereotyping women into two very strict boxes damages us more than we think. People knowingly or unknowingly absorb a lot of concepts from the media, and when we are presented with the idea that being ambitious and rocking a pink outfit = bad, while being passive and dressing down makes them more interesting, we apply this in our day to day life as well. But this narrative is absolutely wrong, because women cannot be pushed into such strong stereotypes. People are complex beings, and with each person's personality being so drastically different, it goes without saying that the same applies to women.

Studies have found that women who wear more make-up in their workplace are less likely to be given a promotion, solely because of their make-up. It is commonly viewed that women who wear heavy make-up are considered to be less competent than the other female workers. But this is a misconception, as the productivity of a person is in no way related to the amount of make-up they wear, or the way they choose to dress.

Another way this is expressed is that parents allow their daughters to play with ‘boy’s’ toys and games, but the same is not applicable the other way around. Sons are rarely given dolls and Barbies to play with, for the reason that it will somehow make them less masculine. What scares people so much about femininity?

Demonising femininity affects the mentality of almost everyone. It pits women against women, and pushes back the feminism movement as well. In the end, only the patriarchy benefits from this. Femininity being labelled as something that is evil has given rise to the ‘not like other girls’ and ‘pick-me girls’ trope.

The ‘not like other girls’ trope is basically when a girl, typically a pre-teen or teenager, believes that she is different from other girls because she is not into mainstream pop music, or doesn’t wear make-up and dresses.

Okay, she believes that she’s different. What’s wrong with that?

The problem is that when this phrase is used, it’s usually in the context that the girl being referred to is better than other girls just because she doesn’t wear make-up. The phrase puts down the entire gender, while trying to compliment one girl in a back-handed way. Dressing in a different way isn’t a reason to put a person on a pedestal, and it builds up a superiority complex for something that is pretty much inane. The phrase doesn’t even bring into consideration the personality of the girl in question as well as the personalities of the other girls.

This also results in internalised misogyny, since the girl believes she is better than other girls because she is being as masculine as possible, hence leading to the conclusion that being a girl in itself is bad. Internalised sexism, according to Wikipedia, is when an individual enacts sexist actions and attitudes towards themselves and people of their own sex. They further propagate the ideals and behaviour imposed upon them by their oppressors. This causes a bigger divide within women, as they subconsciously put down other women who do not conform to the patriarchy, and they tend to believe gender biases in favour of men.

This kind of mentality is hard to shake out, and it is damaging in both the short and the long run. Embracing your ‘feminine’ side is something that’s not only fun to do, but it also makes us human. Being feminine is not something to be ashamed of, or something to be demonized. The whole idea plays into the patriarchy. The ideology of ‘live and let live’ is very important in this aspect. We shouldn’t put down women just because of the way they dress. Many aspects of femininity help make us better people, and that is something we should celebrate.

We should no longer have to be apologetic or embarrassed for our femininity. We deserve to be respected for all our femaleness.

#we r back!! #blog #blogging #personal blog #bloggers #feminine #feminism #misogyny #women deserve to get good rep whilst being feminine #the media rep for women and poc and lgbtqia+ sucks man #feminist #the media needs to stop demonising femininity esp ultra femininity

[rosewould]

*･༓☾ bloodshot // johnny ☽༓･*

chapter i // masterlist

*pairing* you x johnny + jungwoo

*chapter rating* mature

*warnings* gore (I'll put a marker up to where it starts and ends for the squeamish), explicit sexual content, mentions of slurs and sexism

*word count* 2.4k

*disclaimer(s)* I obviously don't think johnny or any other members would act this way. Please don't take anything I write seriously as it is just for fun. I in no way view idols differently and inappropriately in real life because of my smuts or any of their contents!

((TW: you “injure yourself” in this chapter but it’s not driven by any mental health circumstances))

♥　♡　♥　♡　♥　♡　♥

Well, everyone thinks you're crazy now. You really didn't think kicking a toothpick under your toenail would catch this many headlines. Or maybe it was the reason you did it that has everyone's panties in a twist.

"Popular Streamer _____ Injures Herself After Altercation with Fellow Streamer jonssuh"

You had to prove your point. You had no desire to be cordial with that son of a bitch.

"Come on, ___. You love me, right?" Johnny taps on his cheek with his index finger. The gesture was seemingly in slow motion as your blood boiled. You wanted to knock that stupid grin off his face. You balled your fists tightly as the men- no, boys laughed at his joke. Or lack thereof.

"You're so overdramatic." Lucas rolls his eyes at your stubbornness. You felt triumphant as you felt the boys getting upset. Finally their smug acts were over. It was suffocating. You glared at the two massive men as they leaned on the kitchen island, glaring back at you.

"You actually hate Johnny?" You turn to see Mark on the sofa, pushing himself forward a little so he can see beyond the other men on the sofa. His face read of concern. Good. He should be concerned.

"That's what I've been trying to fucking tell everyone. My viewers, you guys, the commentary youtubers, your viewers, everyone! I'm not joking, I was never joking, I could sleep easy knowing I'd never see Johnny again." You turn your gaze back at Johnny who had that amused smirk back on his face.

"You're so full of shit, you know that?"

"And why is that?" You maneuver around the island to stand firmly in front of the human skyscraper. You felt your adrenaline pumping as the air grew more tense.

"Okay guys this is getting stupid. Stop before you do something dumb." Taeyong piped up, you could hear the annoyance in his voice. You stayed put, awaiting Johnny's response. He tilts his head upward and crosses his arms, feigning deep thought.

"Well I don't know, you always seem to be around me. And hm... I don't know... the fact that I did nothing to you." The venom in Johnny's voice made you shift in place with glee. It was very difficult to not smile. You were successfully getting under his skin.

Finally a man among your mutual streamer friends was the one someone made squirm for someone else's amusement. No more sexism and just flat out being a jerk for shock value. Or to just solely make you feel like shit while everyone else laughed. Now you were laughing while Johnny gritted his teeth.

"You see, you did do something and you know you did. Look it's just my personal opinion that you're a piece of dog shit." You finally let a smile stretch across your features as you let one of his signature lines rip.

"Ah, so that's what this is about?" Johnny scoffed, shifting his weight.

"Those are just jokes. You always take them way too seriously."

You feel the power dynamic shifting again. No, you weren't going to let him use this idiotic defense to gain his position back.

"If those are jokes then you're a shitty comedian." You walk closer to him, looking straight into his eyes as you over-enunciate each letter in your insult.

"Everyone else seems to like them." Johnny shrugs, keeping his composure. The dynamic was shifting once more. You snort at his reply.

"Who's "everyone"? The little boys in this room?" You hear the boys grumble in protest around you.

"Or your 12 year old fans who think saying the N word is a punchline. Very impressive audience, Kevin Hart." You chuckle. Johnny stayed quiet for a while nodding as he shifted back and forth. You could feel how no one was on your side, but you muscled forward, trying to ignore it.

"So you're telling me you hate me, because of some stupid jokes-"

You laugh loudly.

"Of course you take two steps back when you're backed into a corner."

"We're not stupid, ____. I get it, I'm a popular streamer and beef with me would get you some decent numbers. But keep it on stream, babe." He pats your shoulder and attempts to move past you.

"I would rather kick a toothpick under my toenail than be forced to coexist with you. I promise it's not a publicity stunt." You cross your arms tightly.

"Oh yeah?" Johnny's footsteps thunder past you as he reaches for a package of toothpicks. He brings them to the island, dumping them onto the countertop. Countless toothpicks clatter onto the granite, some spilling over onto the linoleum tiles. The guys groan and protest in the background, most notably, Taeyong.

"See- This is what the fuck I'm talking about, man. You guys are so fucking ridiculous."

(gore marker)

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

It was the anger that Taeyong didn't understand why you loathed this man. It was the way Johnny's nostrils flared at you as he gestured to the toothpicks that egged you on. Your movements are theatrical as you take two fingers to lift a single toothpick from the countertop.

"No fucking way?!" Lucas cackled in disbelief. Everyone watched in awe as you saunter to the nearest wall, placing the toothpick under your right big toenail.

"____ cut it out! What the fuck?" Taeyong shot up from the couch, attempting to stop you but it was too late. The mixture of searing pain and screeches of disbelief and disgust overwhelmed your senses. The room spun as your eyesight faded in and out. You stumbled backwards but Taeyong caught you before you could fall. Your toe was burning hot while blood ran down from the wound in various directions. You didn't want to look at it. Taeyong scoops you up and quickly whisks you away to the bathroom.

The maddening discourse was just blurred background noise as Taeyong sat you on the toilet. Your vision was going blurry, hearing going in and out as Taeyong reprimanded you. You couldn't decipher a word he was saying.

"Could you shut up and take it out please." Hot tears poured down your cheeks. Taeyong paused, shutting the bathroom door. The decrease in volume brought you back down to earth. Unfortunately, this meant the pain was clear as well. You inhale sharply before exhaling shakily. Your foot shook violently as you finally saw the viscera. You whimpered worriedly, in disbelief at yourself. Your hands shook as well as you grabbed for something, anything. One hand landed on Taeyong's arm. The other tugged a towel off a bar, the poorly assembled bar coming down as well with a loud clang.

You began to sob, not knowing how to deal with the excruciating pain. You choked, looking away as Taeyong finally removed the toothpick. Your lips tremble as you attempt to stifle your sobs. You squeeze Taeyong's arm but your body never stops shaking.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

"I'm sorry... I didn't know you were serious."

"You still laughed." Your voice quivered. The words came out louder than you anticipated. Johnny probably heard that. Great.

You hiss loudly as Taeyong applies peroxide.

"You need to go to the hospital, this is worse than I thought."

"Yeah, whatever." You stay turned away from him and the wound. You hear him sigh.

You gave permission to Lucas to tell the story on his stream. You wanted people to know that you will not just sit pretty and giggle while a greasy man talks down to you. You do not associate with Johnny Suh. And now the world finally understood this fact.

Except, your plan backfired. People think you're insane. For good reason. The more days go by, the more idiotic you feel. Of course if backfired. Also, "jonssuh" was bigger than you. Of course people would side with him no matter what.

"People hate me now." You see the opportunity to steal Jisoo's knight, so quickly you do so.

"Checkmate." Jisoo utters as you realize your king is fucked from all directions.

"Fuck."

"You always take the bait so fast. Also, who cares if a bunch of racist white boys hate you. They're all probably 13 anyways." Jisoo starts to put the pieces away but you stop her.

"One more round. Also, that's what I said. But let's be real, they're not all 13. Full grown adults are calling me over-sensitive. Some of them are female as well. That shit hurts." You set up your side with a pout.

"Even so, their opinions still don't matter. They have horrible senses of humor. If "go make me a sandwich" makes them laugh, their opinion is no longer valid." You make you first move.

"I guess."

Even so, the comments and tweets still stuck in your brain. Some of the boys defend you over social media which made you feel a lot better. At the same time, however, it made you feel worse. Your mind flashes back to that night, the things the guys screamed were finally clear.

Mark was just repeating "oh my god" over and over while gagging. Lucas obnoxiously screamed "YOOO!". Typical. While Johnny... well he pressed both hands to either side of his head, repeating,

"You were serious?"

Yes you dipshit. How could he be so dense?

How are men this influential over you?

-

You wished Jungwoo streamed. He's so funny and sweet. Not to mention he would stick up for you with no hesitation when you were with the other streamers.

"I would've just slapped him as soon as he said you take his "jokes" too seriously."

"I know." You melted into Jungwoo as he traced shapes into your arm. Your cheek squished against his bare chest as his other hand smoothed over your hair. Your legs tangled together under the covers. Jungwoo kicks them away, muttering something about being hot. The motion causes his legs to brush firmly against your panty clad core. You whimper, digging your nails into the flesh of his bicep.

"Are you needy, princess?"

You nod sheepishly, humping lightly against his leg. He climbs on top of you, spreading your legs apart with his own. He grinds his bulge against your mound, sending shots of electricity up your legs. You look up into his dark eyes. His dark hair messy and half wet. His mouth hung open as he looked at your half naked figure with want.

You twitch, trying desperately to get as much friction as possible. His motions deepen as he grinds against you. You wrap your legs around his waist, pulling him closer. His thrusts get shorter, brushing perfectly against your hardened clit. Your lips brush against his, both breathing heavily. Your moans become audible as your legs quiver slightly.

He pulls away before freeing his newly erect penis. He jerks it a few times before pushing your panties aside and entering your sopping hole. Strangled noises escape your throat as he bottoms out. You use your legs to pull him even closer. You whimper loudly at how deep his tip burrowed into you.

His hips are poetic as they sway back and forth. His cock was warm and hard as a rock as it moved in and out of you. Your noses bump against each other as he bites your bottom lip. His moans whine and tempt as they twist into your ears. He bites the lobe of your left ear as his love noises increase in volume. You dig your heels into his ass as you let out shallow open-mouthed breaths.

Jungwoo slides his hands underneath your ass to give it a firm squeeze. While doing so he pushes himself even deeper than you imagined he could go. You curse and writhe, raking his back with your fingernails. You bite his shoulder, tears threatening to spill as your stomach tightens. Your wetness spread all over both of your upper thighs. His cock was nearly lost in a sea of your juices as it plummeted deep inside you.

Getting closer, you start bucking upwards. You chased your high feverishly, encouraged by the passion behind your hatred for Johnny Suh. You thought of him. You thought of him as you snapped your hips towards Jungwoo's. You grunt hungrily, thighs quaking as you blindly chased your high.

"I'm so fucking close-" You breathe out as you grind your hips up to meet his. He snaps his hips against yours, movements more erratic and moans more determined. Your pelvis feels hot, stomach tightly wound, and legs going increasingly numb as his cock barreling into you sends you over the edge. Your moans border on a scream as you tug at Jungwoo's hair.

You trail your nails down his neck and back as he continues to thrust sloppily. His hips snap violently a few more times as he ribbons sperm into you. Your chests heave against each other, skin searing hot to the touch.

"Is all that pent up frustration gone now?" He nuzzles his head into the crook of your neck as he laughs. You just nod breathlessly. Your stomach flutters as he peppers soft kisses all over your neck and shoulder.

"I could tell that guy really pissed you off."

"Well it was more than just Johnny."

You were both silent for a moment.

“Taeyong too?” He lifts his head to look at you cautiously. You just nod wordlessly.

“It’s also the constant losing fight. I think it may be better to just separate myself from them completely.”

Jungwoo slides off of you, snuggling into your side.

“It must be really difficult.”

You pout slightly, tears pricking at your eyes. You were being such a baby.

“Yeah.”

“Especially with Taeyong not siding with you before the toothpick intervened. I honestly thought you and Taeyong would be an item.”

“Me too.” You chuckled, it seemed so stupid now.

“But he’s in a relationship now, with someone he knows I’ve hated for years now.” Saying it out loud, you couldn’t chuckle anymore.

“This is just a shitty situation, huh?” You force a smile, looking over at Jungwoo. He was far from smiling, however. It almost looked like he was going to cry for you.

“I’m so sorry you have to go through this, ___.” Jungwoo snuggled even closer to you, nuzzling his head into your shoulder again.

“Yeah, me too.” You replied numbly. You didn't know if you regretted Lucas telling his stream or... the entire thing.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚　끝　˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

#nct #kpop #johnny #johnny suh #johnny seo #nct johnny #kpop johnny #nct kpop johnny #kpop nct johnny #jungwoo #kim jungwoo #nct jungwoo #nct u #nct 127 #smut #nct smut #kpop smut #johnny smut #johnny suh smut #johnny seo smut #nct johnny smut #kpop johnny smut #nct kpop johnny smut #kpop nct johnny smut #jungwoo smut #kim jungwoo smut #nct jungwoo smut #nct u smut #nct 127 smut #seo

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Morality-Focused Frameworks Of Discussion As Acts of Control

This is a post in response to a larger conversation I’ve been having with @eshusplayground. I have a perspective that I think would be really relevant to the conversation but I also don’t want to derail the specific focus of the following posts she’s been making recently.

(Trigger Warning For Abuse Discussion and Brief Mentions of Rape)

---

So I’m in the Hellraiser fandom. More specifically, I’m a Pinhead/Kirsty shipper.

For those of you that don’t know, Pinhead is a demonic torturer from hell who’s design is inspired by the BDSM community. Characters who open a magical puzzle box have unknowingly given themselves away to his violent underworld community of eternal torment and depravity. Hellraiser is a film about romantic and sexual horror, and there’s quite a lot in there about abuse and trauma. Kirsty is a traumatized person, and in my personal opinion, very likely a CSA victim.

And I ship these two characters together.

So the subject matter of my particular fandom is extremely intense and niche and complicated to navigate, although YMMV (I have no trouble with this franchise, but I cannot really handle GOT or American Horror Story, for example). After I grew interested in Hellraiser and integrated into it’s fandom, my perspectives about the way we have conversations about villainous characters started to have a major shift.

I often see people have these intense conversations (and arguments) about where a particular character exists on a moral scale, with the subtext (or outright text) that if they tip too far one way or another, they can be rendered unworthy of their own subgroup of fans within their own fandom. People who love those characters or find them shippable are then subject to moral judgements.

So how does one apply such logic to a psychosexual torture demon?

The answer is you can’t.

The frameworks people online use to have these discussions do not make any sense when talking about my fandom. Hellraiser is a dark horror fairytale presenting disturbing, surreal images and behaviors in order to discuss complex and difficult experiences and perspectives. The monsters within it, like Pinhead, are more metaphor than anything.

Now, my follower count is too low and my fandom is too niche for me to really be on the receiving end of a lot of the cruelty that manifests online about the moral validity of the fiction I enjoy. That said, between the anti-kink TERFS and the younger folks involved in purity culture on this site, I can imagine exactly what it would look like. You know what they would look like.

“You’re an Abuse Apologist!”

“You’re an Abuse Fetishist!”

“You’re reinforcing sexism!”

“he’s an irredeemable torturer, you’re probably okay with literal real world rape lmao uwu”

“This is bad kink representation and you’re complicit in the abuse real men do to women because you like this!”

Now, setting aside the fact that the canon lore context of Pinhead involves him having a human soul brainwashed by a monster god to become what he is, and is also in a roundabout sense “redeemed” in canon, I think most people utilizing this kind of framework would assume that I believe Pinhead can be redeemed in the way online Discourse (tm) means it, because that’s how we talk in fandom about the villains we really like.

I do not want to redeem Pinhead. I don’t think he even needs redeeming. I don’t even see value in that conversation at all. Redemption is not a concept that makes sense for what he is, or what he could become as a character. The framework of Pinhead as a Real-World-Equivalent Human Male Abuser who Cannot Be Redeemed From His Actions would inevitably dominate all conversation, regardless of the fact that it is inherently incorrect and detrimental to real, robust literary analysis of the narrative he exists within and how brilliantly it actually interacts with male on female abuse as a subject. By nature of it’s gross oversimplification and misrepresentation, It ruins the potential for greater, more nuanced and complex conversations.

And that’s the thing: my engagement with this particular story and it’s characters has a lot to do with the potential in the narrative to examine how trauma interacts with love, desire and gender politics. Hellraiser has a very unique way of exploring that kind of subject through a storytelling aesthetic that appeals to me (horror/fairytale, gothic romance, etc).

This is about to get personal, so strap the fuck in.

I am the victim of gendered abuse, in that I had an emotionally abusive step father and sexism was absolutely a factor in why that manifested the way it did. I am also a second hand victim of gendered abuse, in that my biological father was a serial stalker and rapist, and other male abusers (or just self-centered family members) caused severe emotional destabilization in my childhood. I grew up viewing adult men as unstable, selfish children. My family endured a lot, and I came to resent the men in my mother’ life for not taking on the role of protector and nurturer when she needed them most. I had discovered the great lie of traditional masculinity: in the face of real crisis, grown men were not protectors. They did not hold together the domestic space. They abused or faltered and abandoned us. This was a repeated pattern among several men in different roles. I was often left picking up all the pieces, taking on roles as a child that these men could not. I had to have strength they did not.

My experience of desire for romantic intimacy with men and men in roles of stable, nurturing authority now inherently involves a jumbled emotional soup of fear, pain, and a deep longing that comes from a place of feminine vulnerability, a desire to be taken care of instead of being the caretaker.

The narrative of Hellraiser pushes a lot of buttons for me. It speaks to my own trauma experiences in a very specific way. In an effort to further that conversation, I’m trying to create a piece of art (a fic) inspired by the deeply personal feelings this film gives me.

For me, Pinhead represents the Jungian shadow masculine, a simultaneous mix of fear and desire, the potential for suffering and pleasure, and everything in between. These experiences are inherently intertwined for me. And Kirsty’s experiences mirror many of my own.

In other words, in order for me to get out of Hellraiser what I get out of Hellraiser, Pinhead has to be exactly what he is, and everything that he is. Which includes monstrosity. Which includes the potential for change. His place in the narrative must fully, truly embody this conversation I need to have with masculinity, which inherently involves painful, scary things.

Anybody demanding that I either denounce my interest in him as morally offensive because he’s a monster in the full sense of the word (and not just the aesthetic one like what is currently trending in Monster Boyfriend fandom), or force a traditional redemption arc upon him as if he were a real life human person who must repent for his real life sins, are essentially saying that I am not allowed to engage with this work of fiction in a way that is transformative for me. And that’s very unfortunate, because honestly, I think my perspective is so much more dynamic and has so much more to offer.

This is not just about basic catharsis. This is not even a power fantasy about emotionally transforming a powerful (white) dude, or “bad boy” fantasies, both standard arguments for villain stanning that feels like it has never truly represented me or the complexity of my experiences and interests. This is a full-on conversation and act of self expression I want to have through art about the experience of fear and trauma when dealing with men as a woman who desires men.

And I don’t think a person has to be traumatized in order to want to engage with this type of fiction. I want to be clear that my experience is not a justification for my interest (I do not need to justify myself), it is an example of a perspective that gets erased by the framework of these conversations.

To me, the framework of moral validity for enjoying fictional villains and monsters and whatever you please feels incredibly stifling to the complex, dynamic ideas and analysis that I want to engage in, because I, and many people I know, are consistently pressured to structure their thoughts with this framework as the only acceptable baseline of discussion. This is so ubiquitous that when people I’ve known have tried to engage in ways that diverge from that framework, the responses they get are outright confused or direct the conversation right back to the original framework they tried to avoid. Complex conversation gets steamrolled.

Somewhere in the conversation we were all having about acknowledging and discussing abuse and oppression, and acknowledging troubling patterns in media which reinforce the normalization of abuse and opression, some people decided that there was a very serious moral discussion to be had regarding the mere act of liking things which involve dark subject matter and complex, or even monstrous characters. They now argue that there are very clear cut, simple moral frameworks for A) telling stories and B) enjoying stories, and most importantly, that this moral framework is a valid justification for the social treatment and silencing of certain people.

A framework, by the way, which I think is actually not functionally a framework, because like the toxic American fundamentalist christian groups it’s thinking is structured from, it does not account for the vastly diverse moral landscape within it’s own space. There is no objectively consistent body of knowledge anybody is working from, because morals are derived from the human experience, which is inherently subjective.

Interestingly, no where does this have more of an impact than with marginalized people, and people like me, who want to express something deeper and more meaningful in the conversation about abuse and oppression than what this framework really offers us. To be honest, The more I see this kind of conversation making the rounds, the clearer it becomes that it’s a means of control and power game playing. It’s not about morality, but about how morality can be leveraged in order to silence truly diverse and nuanced perspectives and uphold people’s sense of self-comfort. It is a means of supplanting more convenient and easily digestible understandings of these highly complex subjects that require more intensive, thoughtful engagement, especially when it gets challenging. This kind of rhetoric absolves people of making room for complex and diverse experiences, and reinforces an (at face-value) easy to follow set of moral rules of how we are all allowed to think and feel.

The implication of all of this is that if we all adhere to the One True (alleged) Moral Framework of Fandom Engagement, then we will somehow come out on the other side with all the Good People having a Great Time having Squeaky Clean Fun. And I don’t think I should have to tell you at this point how stifling and disturbing the implications of that kind of mentality really are.

 Quite frankly, I think a lot of us are very tired of constantly speaking on other people’s terms.

#abuse tw #rape tw #Fandom #Hellraiser

[dreamersleeps]

Hey, have been reading your blog and it is the kind of goldmine I’d brave the dangers of the Klondike for. It is SO GOOD. But I’m also curious on your thoughts on Endeavor playing god, but not understanding the science behind his creations? He seems to think Shouto has an Icyhot Quirk when it’s more likely Shouto is a Chimera. He has two phenotypes, thus one side can only use Icy and the other can only use Fire. Shouto like has TWO Quirks instead of a combination of both. And Enji seems to think Touya inherited Rei’s constitution, yet that might not be the case as according to the Singularity Theory, humans’ Quirks are evolving at a faster pace than the body can keep up with. So Touya might not even HAVE his mother’s constitution but Endeavor just THINKS he does. Also, there is his rivalry with All Might that is completely one-sided. Allmight as All For One which is the Quirk of not a single person but more eight Quirks in one. Endeavor thinks he’s going up against a single man when in reality he’s facing eight men in one.

Hello! First of all I’d like to give a huge apology for how late my response is. Due to the start of the spring semester and some other unexpected life events, this took way longer than expected. 

Thank you so much for your kind comments! 😩💕 It really did put a huge smile on my face and it made my day! It makes me feel very giddy~ When I first started posting on Tumblr, I wasn’t expecting people to actually like or even read the stuff I was writing about or send messages to my inbox since most of my posts kind of make me look like the guy in this meme here: 

I very much appreciate all the comments and asks I receive in my inbox, so thank you for sending yours in. 

Anyways, I’d like to address this from the beginning but, unfortunately when it comes to quirks and how they work, I’m not too sure if I will be able to answer your questions properly. For example I am aware of the Quirk Singularity Theory but I don’t know if I have a good enough understanding of it to form a response I am confident in.. That being said, I will try to answer your other questions and comments the best I can. 

Endeavor Playing God

So, what are my thoughts on Endeavor playing god, but not understanding the science behind his creations? Back when we had the Touya reveal and we got more information about the Todoroki household from the perspective of Todoroki Enji, there were a lot of differing thoughts and opinions about the flashbacks that were floating around Tumblr. I think if I were to give a simple answer to your question, I’d say it was Endeavor’s youth and stubbornness. Looking back at Chapter 291, we can see that Endeavor looks quite young in the flashbacks with Touya, but I’m going to attempt to do the math. 

Seeing that we know that Fuyumi is currently 23, and that Dabi is older than her (I suck at guessing ages) and I’m guessing here that he’s going to be four years or older, since quirks normally manifest around four years of age. That being stated the youngest age Dabi may be currently is 27? Maybe 26.

Keep in mind that I may be off with the “math” I’m doing here but let’s guestimate Dabi’s age as being 26 or 27. Endeavor is currently 46 years old so that means he was 19 or 20 years old when he had Touya. For comparison, Natsuo is currently 19 years old as well. 

At that young of an age, he already had his eyes set on wanting to surpass All Might. His hero name, Endeavor, summarizes his career pretty well: an attempt to achieve a goal. 

With the hellflame quirk he has, and the wealth and power that came with his family name, he really was given a position to act as a “god.” For the sake of his ambitions, Touya, Fuyumi, Natsuo and Shouto were born, as his “creations.” 

Touya’s “Weak Constitution” and Shouto’s Quirk 

I’m not going to say that his youth was the main factor for why things happened the way they did because the answer is more complex, but I do think that a combination of his youth and stubbornness fueled Endeavor’s recklessness. He essentially bought his marriage with Rei in order to pass down some sort of combination of the hellflame quirk and Rei’s ice quirk to his children. I think when it comes to the question of whether he understood the science behind what he was doing, I think I can confidently say that he didn’t know in the beginning, or at least it was not something he really looked in to. I think he just saw it as hellflame + ice quirk = child with both quirks as we kind of see in the panel below. 

As you state, Endeavor does see the combination of the two quirks as one. We can see below that he refers to it as, “the ideal quirk.” 

I think that it is also important to point out that Endeavor was, I guess you could say, content when Touya was born even though he only had the hellflame quirk. From the first panel, Endeavor states, “the fire power he possessed was greater  than my own.” 

He continues to say, “He didn’t have a way to overcome the inescapable downside of overheating but... I nevertheless sought to raise the boy to be a hero.” 

That was until it was revealed that Touya’s body could not handle the extreme heat which came with the hellflame quirk. This is when Endeavor began to refer to Touya’s “weakness” as inheriting Rei’s weak constitution. 

Now, the Quirk Singularity Theory and just the genetic science behind quirks has always been kind of difficult for me to wrap my mind around so because of that I do not think that I will be able to give an opinion on it that I would be confident in. However, @/redphlox has a post which has some opinions that I agree with that have to do with Endeavor’s belief that Touya had “a weak constitution and Shouto’s quirk. I will link it here. 

As for Shouto’s quirk, unless the actual meaning and its nuances was lost in translation, his quirk is referred to as “Half-Cold Half Hot” in the English official translation which I think further reinforces the idea that it is not really a singular quirk but a combination of two separate quirks. I agree that Shouto is most likely a Chimera. 

According to Britannica, a chimera is: 

In genetics, an organism or tissue that contains at least two different sets of DNA, most often originating from the fusion of a many different zygotes. 

The term is derived from the chimera of Greek mythology: a fire-breathing monster that was part lion, part goat, and part dragon. 

As seen below we can see the white hair, gray eye and ice quirk on his right side (our left) that he inherited from his mother Rei, and then on his left side (our right), the red hair, teal blue eye and hellflame quirk he inherited from his father Enji. He can only use his ice quirk on his right side and his fire quirk on his right side. 

Shouto’s appearance reminds me of a particular tortoiseshell cat named Venus from a while back. You may have seen her back when photos of her went viral. Tortoiseshell cats are usually chimeras, however Venus was nicknamed the “Chimera Kitten” or “Chimera Cat” even though it is most likely that the chimera mutation isn’t the cause behind her unique (and cute!) appearance. 

Another definition of a chimera is: 

“A chimera... is a composite individual that was made up of cells from at least two different original embryos. If they fuse together early enough, they will become a single organism whose genetic input is from two completely different individuals. In a mosaic, there’s only one individual and it just happens to have different genetic components active in its cells. A chimera would be a much more unusual and unlikely event. - Columbia University Professor of Genetics and Development Virginia Papaioannaou 

The image above depicts Venus the cat however the original source of the photo is unknown. 

Considering that in real life, a chimera is an individual made up of cells from at least two different embryos I think we could kind of apply that sort of argument to Shouto although this is all speculation. To our knowledge, the other Todoroki children were born with only one of their parents’ quirks while Shouto was born with both. 

On Shouto’s fan wiki page, it states: 

If he overuses one element without utilizing the other, then his own body temperature will suffer; the ice half will cause frostbite and the fire half will cause heatstroke, Until his bodily limit is reached however, neither has any visible effect on his body. Shouto can easily negate his weakness by alternating between ice and fire. 

Endeavor had been training Shouto to use his fireside and I think he mostly saw the ice quirk as something that could be used for temperature regulation however, as you suggest Shouto has two separate quirks, both equally strong in their own right. If he used his ice quirk too much, he may have to rely on the hellflame quirk to regulate his body temperature. Both quirks have very high potential on their own and with the aid of the other. 

Anyways going back to the Chimera stuff, I think that although the movie, Heroes Rising isn’t canon, I do think that the inclusion of the villain, Kon Chojuro going by the name of “Chimera” with the quirk of the same name was interesting. He also fits the second definition of the Greek mythological chimera that we had above. 

Even more interesting was that it was with the team of Tenya, Kirishima, Asui and Shouto that took Chimera on, with Shouto making the last blow using his ice quirk. He takes his ice quirk to the extreme and we see his body covered in ice (frostbite?) as a result before he passes out. 

All Might and Endeavor’s One-Sided Rivalry 

Whenever I write about this particular character I feel that I must include a little note like this but everything you see above is not an excuse for what Endeavor has done but a little exploration in to the complexity that is Todoroki Enji. I personally think that he is a very interesting character to look in to.

As you mention, the rivalry between Endeavor and All Might was completely one-sided. I think a large part behind it had to do with their differing ideas of what it means to be a hero. It is from All Might where we tended to see the more ideal-focused concepts of a hero. He was the symbol of peace, the light of hope and an inspiration for children and people all across Japan. In simple terms, a hero is someone who saves, kind of like how we saw Midoriya throughout most of the series. 

As for Endeavor, he fits more in the role of the concept of a hero being an occupation. He had a hard time trying to figure out how to portray himself to the public after All Might retires and even asks him for some advice of what it means to be the number one. Endeavor wanted to be the number one because that meant he is the strongest man/person in Japan. He was constantly training and he was so focused on wanting to achieve his goal that if he was not able to then he wanted to make sure that his own blood would surpass All Might. For him, simple terms a hero meant someone who surpasses and wins. This is kind of like how we saw Bakugo throughout most of the series until recently. 

(I’m not going to go too deep in to this as many other blogs have written amazing analysis and meta posts on Tumblr already but the adults they are often compared to Midoriya and Bakugo’s storylines have been slowly changing to incorporate both saving and winning in to what it means to be a hero.) 

With this one-sided rivalry came Endeavor’s recklessness. I do not think that before and early stages after Touya was born that he really considered the science behind his “creation.” However as soon as it was revealed that Touya could easily get harmed by his quirk, Endeavor definitely should have recognized the consequences of his actions. 

As his hero name suggests, one of his main goals and purposes of being a hero was to accomplish his greatest endeavor, to surpass All Might, which he calls his “eternal goal.” There is an implication here that at the age of 19 Endeavor already believed that there was a good chance that he may not be able to surpass All Might with his own quirk and strength. That is why he sought out a Quirk marriage. 

“Because Toya had more potential than me... I placed my ambitions on his shoulders.” 

Endeavor has a bias towards his own quirk as he wanted an heir with his quirk and blood to become number one. Fuyumi was born and she had inherited Rei’s ice quirk but unless we get some sort of explanation, I think we can assume that Endeavor did not bother trying to training her. I think the same can be said about Natsuo. 

Then Shouto was born and this changed a lot of things. It seems that there was a highly likely chance that Endeavor either greatly diminished his focus on or halted Touya’s training and turned his attention towards Shouto. After all, he was born with what Endeavor believed to be “the ideal quirk.” He probably saw more potential in Shouto carrying his legacy than he did in Touya to become number one. It is likely that it was during this time that Touya “perished” in the fire. 

Now that Endeavor had lost Touya, he was only left with Shouto. Driven by grief and desperation he put everything he had now onto Shouto. Looking back to Chapter 252, Endeavor tells Natsuo:

“Believe it or not... I was never trying to neglect any of you. But... all I could do was blame others and dodge responsibility.” 

His actions and the past state otherwise however if we take his word, then I kind of visualize a man who was aware of the consequences and hurt caused by his actions and cruelty but had refused to actually acknowledge it: whether it was because he was afraid to confront reality, a mix of his stubbornness and desperation, the desire to become number one surpassing every other desire or a combination of all of this.

I always got a feeling from his character that he was someone who chose to believe that “the end would justify the means” as he “lost more” if that makes sense. “Everything that happened could not be all in vain” (although I’d like to point out that acting in this way is very selfish of him) which is why he continued to keep his eyes on the horizon at his goal instead of towards his family. 

As you state, Endeavor was going up against All Might, the carrier of the One for All quirk, and yes, it is interesting that kind of like All for One, it is the carrier of multiple quirks. One of the main differences between how the two quirks function is that one has the ability to pass on quirks and power while the other is the ability to take other quirks and powers. Unfortunately, unless the secret of AFO and OFA come to be known to the public, Endeavor would have never known what he was truly up against and in a nihilistic view, one can say that everything he was and did ended in vain. 

Although I would argue otherwise as this implies the assumption that the birth and existence of the Todoroki children would then had also been “in vain.” This is not true. This would imply that they would only be an extension of his legacy. We see the struggle to separate ones’ identity from their parent and their “destiny” through the contrasting stories of Shouto and Touya. 

In the end, Endeavor did become the number one hero although it was not in the way he envisioned it to be: it was given to him as he was the next in line as the number two hero due to All Might’s retirement. He didn’t win the position by surpassing All Might hence the embarrassment and anger he may have felt when the news was announced. Now that he is (ehhh maybe was? considering where we are in the manga) the number one hero, it seems like that everything he’s been doing and thinking keeps going back to the thought of “because I am the number one hero.” The position he worked hard for, trained hard for and hurt his family for across the decades of his life, forfeited to him by the previous symbol of peace. 

I always return back to the High End vs Endeavor fight whenever I talk about him but that is because there are great symbolic and narrative points that are made during it. Again, it is what establishes him as the number one hero but this is also where he acknowledges the past (however to what extent is debatable). 

I remember when the episode first came out back in 2020, anime watchers were going crazy. It felt like with some viewers, they focused more on the action than the narrative that was taking place. The reason why Endeavor flies so high and captures the hearts and support of the people of Japan in BNHA and a wide majority of us, the watching audience, is so that we can feel the blow later on when he plummets down. Even when I was watching it, I couldn’t help getting goosebumps while listening to the ost and seeing the way the manga panels were interpreted and animated. 

While I had been reading the chapters which I did first, I did not even really care about what was going on. I just kind of brushed Endeavor off to the side at the time. However when I was watching it I even got a little emotional, although I’d like to blame that on the fact that I had just finished a really difficult semester and watching the episodes felt like a cathartic release of stress (hahaha). It was only afterwards I went back to actually re-read and look at what was going on in the manga.  

I hope that I gave the answers, thoughts and opinions that you were looking for. Again, huge apology for answering your questions and comments really late. Thank you @thewilderstorm for sending your thoughts in, I truly appreciate it and loved responding to them!

#todoroki enji #endeavor #todoroki shouto #bnha analysis #bnha meta #mha meta #luna answers