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cherriesradio · 3 years

Text

I could never be ready.

Warnings: angst, abuse mentions

Gn!reader x Todoroki (they/them)

Fluff / angst

I could never be

Todoroki has liked you forever. You were bright, radiant, happy. Everything that he could never quite process, but was still amazed by. And here you were, just out of high school and going, holding his hand and kissing his cheek every morning on your way to work. Safe and sound.

“Sho,” you sleepily said, moving your head to look at him. His left half was against your right, warming you under the blankets you stole (politely asked for) from Deku.

“Yes, dear?” He asked, leaning his head onto your shoulder. You were warm, like always. He made sure of that.

You chuckled. “Remember how awkward you were when we first started dating?”

“Back in middle school?” You silently added after Shouto didn’t respond.

“Your such a bully sometimes, Y/n.”

I could never be

“Y/n, wait up!” Shouto shouted over the many voices, running out of the building to catch up to you.

“Hm? Yeah Todoroki?” You said once he caught up. He was panting like a dog. “Something important, I’m assuming? You sure look tired.”

“Yeah… yeah I’m fine, just-just let me catch my breath…” Shouto panted, slowing down and standing right beside you. The whole school was out by now, he was lucky.

“So uh… I’m just gonna get straight to the point, I like you.” Shouto said, quickly as possible.

You blushed and rises your hand to your mouth, trying to cover your small gasp. “… I like you too.”

I could never be ready for this

“You really don’t have to hold my hand if you don’t want to, Shouto. I was joking earlier.” You chuckled, hand in hand with Shouto.

“No, I want to.” Shouto muttered back, holding your hand just slightly tighter. It was with his right side, since it was such a hot day.

“Are you sure? You seem really uncomfortable.” You said, pulling your hand back a bit, the hot air instantly hitting it.

You pulled your hand back, concerning that yes, he wants to hold your hand. You sighed queitly and accepted that it wasn’t just you jabbing at him a bit, in a playful way, that made him hold your hand.

You stole a glance at him, ignoring the mall of people you prayed didn’t go to your school, and took a metal note to compliment how good he seemingly always looks.

I could never be

“Shouto.” You said under you breath, staring down at the textbook on your desk. Shouto moved his head towards you from your bed, he was reading.

“Yes?” He gently asked. His voice had grown softer over the last few weeks, getting more and more comfortable with you.

“Oh- sorry. I just, god this is gonna sound stupid, but I just really like how your name sounds.” You chuckled, scratching your neck.

Shouto blushed crimson, and turned his head back to his book.

“I really like your name, too.”

“You do?”

“… a lot.”

I could never be

“Y/n?” Shouto whispered, creaking your door open. He had tear streaks on his face, and was holding a plushie you got him the other day to his chest.

He was sleeping over at your place for the night, since he was meant to be staying with his grandparents. They were always more open (aka not trying to take control of his whole life) then his father. Though, he wanted to stay in another room to sleep.

“…Shouto?” You responded, rubbing your eyes as you sat up on the side of your bed. “What happened?”

“I… I had a nightmare. It’s stupid, I know.” He hid his face with the plushie.

“Hm. Come ‘er, Sho.” You said softly, comforting. You gently patted the place next to you.

He sat next to you with hesitation, still holding on to the plush. You sighed and motioned for him to move back, just a bit onto the middle of the bed.

You sat right beside him and hugged him from the side. He turned around to face you and buried his face in your neck, letting his tears spill all over again.

I could never be ready

“Why do you have so many nightmares?” You asked, forehead against Shouto’s. This was one of the countless sleepovers you kept secret from his father, even though you didn’t know why.

Almost every night he would come into your room, on the edge of crying, holding onto a plush for dear life, muttering about another nightmare.

“Hm. I uh… you remember how I told you my fathers really strict?”

Things start and things end, and

You kept your hand to your mouth, trying to not interrupt your beloved Shouto. Your beloved Shouto, who had been getting burned out and abused since day one, you being complete unaware.

Tears were already forming warm streams down his face, flowing over the scar he got from his own mother. His oh so missed mother.

He was finally done. Already three am, your parent surely asleep. The whole world sleeping peacefully as you let your lover sob into your neck as you held back screaming why he never deserved any of that, and how much you loved him.

Isn't it lovely in theory, but

“Shouto.” You muttered, cupping his face in your hands, forehead against his.

“Yes?” Shouto gently responded, hugging you slightly tighter.

“You make me happy.”

“I’m glad.”

“I hope you know that. I find that important.” You muttered once again, kissing his nose.

“…I’ll make sure to remember that.”

I could never be

“Y/n!” Shouto laughed, dragging the end half. “Come on, come on, come on!”

He ran down the hill at full speed, small bits of grass and dandelions being pulled from the ground with his bare feet, having ripped off his socks to feel the grass. To feel free.

“I’m coming, hon! Your fast as shit!” You snickered, running down not quite as fast, watching wish flowers crumble under your feet.

I could never be

“Your the best I can get, love.” He giggled, laying on his stomach, watching your favorite show with you.

I could never be ready

“… ya know, when I think about it, I was a little more awkward.” You said, nudging Shouto’s shoulder with your finger.

“Eh. Your still a bully.”

#tw cursing #tw angst #tw past trauma #mha x reader #bnha x reader #todoroki shouto #todoroki x reader #shouto x reader #shouto x you #tw nightmares

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boop-le-snoot · 4 years

Text

PARTY FAVOURS | CHAPTER 3

Rating: Explicit.

‼️TW: Reader is EIGHTEEN! Recreational drug use, smoking and alcohol consumption, deeply internalised self-loathing, very questionable moral standards. Daddy kink taken half-seriously. BDSM themes in later chapters - explicit content will come with it’s own TWs. FIRST PERSON POV.

Summary: You’re Peter’s classmate, a child of rich and famous but uncaring parents. Getting paired up for a lengthy project with the boy was an interesting turn of events and you don’t know whether to feel blessed or cursed when you develop, seemingly, a perfectly normal, harmless crush on Tony Stark. Fueled by feelings of inadequacy and boredom, your life spirals out of control - and you’re lucky your newfound friends are there to pick up the pieces even if you cannot find it in yourself to believe these amazing human (and not so human) beings voluntarily give you more than a fleeting glance and an offhanded thought. And they brought cake!

A/N: Peter always unapologetically stealing all the uwus. It’s the MCU law, sorry, didn’t make it. Tony Stark can ✨rail me✨. Enjoy, deviants.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub @mostly-marvel-musings @vozit @littlegasps @pilloclock @shereadsinquiet

Beta read by the lovely and patient @miscmarvelwritings ! She deserves THE WORLD! I’m not kidding. Please visit her and show her some love, my homegirl is stressed 💖✨

I didn’t see Bruce nor Tony for a week. The doctor was away on some science conference (he sent me one dorky selfie next to a whiteboard full of barely intelligible equations as proof), Tony was in California, having some sort of a board meeting. How do I know? Peter, out of lack of better things to do, constantly texted me updates on his science patron’s whereabouts and what-abouts.

In times like these, it took me for a loop - I was on a first name basis with Tony Stark and Bruce Banner. In the beginning, I was intimidated - I avoided them both like the plague and tinkered in the lab with headphones on whenever I could, until Tony made a comment so snarky I couldn’t resist joking back. That’s not to say Bruce was a social butterfly, but even he gave into my tomfoolery after seeing me stand calmly throughout several of Tony’s hissy fits.

What amazed me even more so was that despite Tony being literally an insufferable little brat, I still longed after him. Sure, the man was hot as hell - but his physical traits were much less significant when it came to my feelings towards him than the amount of sheer drive and willpower he possessed. He was stubborn - that’s another trait we shared - and unapologetically himself in every damn situation.

I could write poetry about the million expressions in his face, about the shine in his eyes.

But I won’t. He’s a technical guru. Ever since I started hanging around the tower, I became much more conscious about what I posted online. Not to say I had a Stark fan blog or anything, but I’d stopped scrolling through the tag, even if I didn’t actually click on any articles. I dutifully reblogged pictures of Tom Ellis instead - while he was a very fine, distinguished man, he wasn’t Tony Stark. I enjoyed looking at the first and enjoyed being around the other. And even though my feed still had the occasional “I love arm” shitpost, I focused on aesthetic pictures and quotes instead - things I had an active internet presence for.

My personal life wasn’t very interesting. I didn’t have any close friends and any and all sex I’ve had was just a bunch of one night stands, fueled by alcohol, selfish lust and the occasional joint. Despite having a fair share of kind, generous lovers, the morning after left me feeling a little bit emptier every time. I thought about getting a boyfriend or something… But quickly became totally clueless as to where I could find one. Men under twenty-five could barely hold my interest long enough to have a casual chat and I wasn’t naive enough to think there were a lot of honest, well-intentioned thirty-somethings that wanted to date my high school ass.

Peter had a crush on me, I knew that. The boy developed one or another kind of feelings for anybody who showed him the tiniest bit of kindness and it alarmed me. In any other case I would have bailed on him, gently, of course, to spare him the disappointment but my selfishness got in the way. I regretted it every day. A wave of desperation rose in me every time I thought about moving on without seeing Tony or Bruce, without Peter shyly smiling at me as he explained how the things he created worked. A faint hope that one day, his schoolboy puppy love will grow into a brotherly kind of regard was the only thing that kept me afloat in my sea of guilt.

As the Fall rolled around, so did my gloomy mood. It was hard to be sad when the sun was shining and the birds were chirping outside, but with clouds hanging over the city like a lead curtain, the bottled up negativity rose to the surface uninvited. Mother had returned from her business trip, adding an uncomfortable, hollow sort of chill to the house wherever she stood. I don’t know what was worse - the hours we spent in one room ignoring each other or the immaculately structured questions she asked me about my studies and extra-curriculars. Mother didn’t ask me about my friends, or my feelings or any of the other things a mother was supposed to give a damn about.

I was an asset to her company and that was that. If you would have asked her, she would tell you I’m old enough for her to mind her own business - which was technically true. Yet according to her, I’ve been old enough since seventh grade. My dad answered his messages sporadically, sometimes with a two-word answer and sometimes with a cocaine and booze fueled rant eleven texts long. I felt sorry for him. I really did.

My phone was blowing up. Party invitations, likes from people I saw once or twice (“oh my god, you’re, like, so hot, what’s your Insta”), DMs from guys looking to score an easy piece of ass. I never answered. If I wanted to party, I just sort of showed up and everybody went along with it. I took care of my appearance and it showed - never once was I turned away from a party. Everyone wanted to dance, to share their drinks, to light up and get faded together and fade into the city, into the cold air and grey sky.

Skirt swaying and top clinging to my chest, I danced. The sweaty, heated bodies around me did the same. Not one of us cared, it was a Tuesday night and the place packed way too many people. An arm snaked around my waist, startling me. I had to begrudgingly crack open an eye to see the bastard in the dimly lit room.

“I saw you at the bar, you looked bored. Maybe you need something to cheer you up?”

So not a creepy rapist. Just your friendly neighborhood drug dealer. At house parties like these, there was always The Guy. He never danced, he sipped on the same drink all night yet always looked like he was having the time of his life. I was no stranger to the occasional joint, or even something more stimulating…

“I got the good stuff, sweetums, you’ll be fine and dandy in no time.”

Eh, what the hell. I inconspicuously danced with the guy to the middle of the crowd, exchanging a few crumpled dollar notes for a baggie of two pills. In no time, I chased one down with a hastily poured Jack.

The world did become better, as the drug dealer promised. People were nicer, friendlier and I almost didn’t believe mother was a useless, stone cold bitch. I almost didn’t care that I was deeply, madly in love with a man as unreachable as Olympus. If I squinted, the guy sitting at the bar looked kind of like Tony, tan, dark hair, worn jeans and a band tee.

So I danced. I danced and I stared right at him and then we danced some more. I closed my eyes, letting his arms grab me and pull me, I let his beard scratch my neck where he sucked a mark on me, I let his rough palms choke me against a wall in one of the bedrooms on the second floor of the house. It felt good to be wanted. It felt great to be needed as he rutted inside of me, hitting that sweet spot with every twitch of his hips.

It felt lonely when he left, pressing a kiss to my forehead and saying something dumb like “Be good, kid.”. I don’t remember what exactly it was, only that I had to turn my face away from his breath that reeked like weed and vodka.

To shake off the void that made home inside of my chest, I went to the roof to get some fresh air. The house had a nice patio on it - I actually knew the owner - that hosted more plants than I’d care to count. There was an ashtray and an abandoned pack of cigarettes. I greeted the faintly blooming sunrise surrounded by a cloud of smoke, shivering in the autumn mist.

Sounds of the party became less prominent with every passing minute as people geared up to go home and get a few winks of sleep before going to work. New Yorkers weren’t really thoughtful partying on a Tuesday, but then again, neither was I. The city always was busy - even then, at the crack of dawn, the dull throb of a bassline was rudely interrupted by a blaring car alarm followed by dogs barking in aggravation.

The more I sat there, the bleaker everything became. I had enough common sense to know I was just coming off the drug but for once, I had been happy and content for several hours without a care in the world. It had been too long since I felt that way and what’s a little low after a good high?

Mother left for her early conference at five AM sharp, I entered my house at five-thirty, making a beeline in the shower and immediately dumping my alcohol and cigarette soaked clothes into the wash with the smelliest detergent I could find. I gave similar treatment to my body and my hair, using the chemically-smelling products on my body and on my hair, brushing my teeth multiple times.

By the time I was leaving for school, only a faint smell lingered in the air where I’d previously entered, so I set the air freshener to automatically spray the obnoxious mist every ten minutes. Mother gets home at twelve for lunch, that should be more than enough time for any remnants of my partying to disappear into the lilac and lavender fumes.

The Valium I’d popped to deal with the aftermath of Molly made my brain sluggish. One look in the mirror and I hastily put my sunglasses on - the ashen colour of my face and the slightly crazed look wasn’t very complimentary to my complexion. The teacher didn’t give a damn. I stared blankly ahead of me for most part of first period.

“What happened to you? You look like hell!” Peter’s exclamation, while usually would’ve alarmed me, barely made a dent in my stupor.

“I feel like shit, too,” Admit what you can’t deny. Deny what you can’t admit. “I didn’t get any sleep. Like, at all.”

Peter frowned, the crease between his eyebrows growing deeper with every passing second. I flinched when his hand tentatively touched my forehead - the pounding in my temples slowed to a dull throbbing but it was still unpleasant when someone was all up in my space.

“Jesus, you’re as cold as a corpse. Maybe you should go see the nurse,” His worry bled into me too. Like hell I was going to the school nurse! They were specifically trained to recognize the signs of substance abuse.

“I’ll head home straight after school, I think we’ll have to skip our sciencing,” No way also I’d be letting Tony and Bruce see me like this. Oh my God, I was a mess. “Mother’s home.” I added. Even the emotional frostbite I’d get from being around her was more tolerable than being a downer for Peter and Tony.

Peter’s face immediately softened in sympathy. He knew almost everything about my relationship with my family, including him actually seeing my mother that one time. He told me she gave him the creeps and I don’t blame him at all. The stoicism that was required for her work made my mother an unbearable person to exist around outside of her fancy office on the top floor of a glass high-rise building.

“Okay, but promise to text me if it gets worse. You might have caught the autumn bug that’s been going around,” He obviously said the last part to calm himself down. Sweet little Peter, naïve child. I solemnly nodded nonetheless.

When I got home, I went straight to bed. Tony was being Tony, as usual, but in a strangely kind way. I suppose it should’ve made me feel better and it kind of did, but then it went downhill from there. I couldn’t explain why I started crying. I bawled my eyes out at how unfair this god-damned world was and when the doorbell rang… Let’s say, the delivery boy hightailed it out of there once the bag of takeout was deposited into my arms. I looked and felt ghastly.

I ate as much as I could and dropped into a restless nap, drifting in and out of sleep with exhausted exasperation. There had not been a time where I felt so low after popping a pill and I was equal parts alarmed and satisfied. For one, the drug dealer didn’t lie like they usually do - the stuff was good and I still had the other pill hidden away in a bottle of painkillers, inconspicuously mixed with other white pills but shape distinctive enough for me to recognize should I have need in taking it again.

The thought of well, taking it again, was fleeting. I had school tomorrow and a missed science bender to make up for. A few buzzes of my phone later, I felt happier. Better. Not so down anymore. I meant every word that I said - Bruce was very precious, kind and gentle. And so, warm and soft. And totally kissable.

Well, fuck. What do I do now?

#bun writes #party favours #tony stark x reader #tony stark x y/n #bruce banner x y/n #bruce banner x reader #stephen strange x reader #Stephen Strange x y/n #I've already got a room in Hell y'all welcome to book one nearby

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p-artsypants · 3 years

Text

I Do...I Guess (2)

Mushroom Rock

Ao3 | FF.net

The chocobo eater was a great team building exercise, though Yuna’s new Aeon did a lot of the leg work.

What was the name again? Ifeert? Oh well, Hot Dog it would be to Tidus.

Zanarkand was really missing out on those Chocobos though. They were fun to ride, and pretty easy to handle...though they were a little smelly.

Of course, Tidus tried to imagine riding one around back home, among the motorcycles and the cars...and thought that maybe the chocobos were fine here in Spira.

The birds allowed for much quicker travel of the High Road, and they made it to the crusaders blockade before lunch.

“A blockade?” Wakka wondered aloud. “But how else are we supposed to get to Djose?”

“I’m sorry folks,” one of the nearby crusaders explained. “The road will be closed off during our operation. We’re very sorry for the inconvenience.”

“We have to get through,” argued Lulu. “This is Summoner Yuna, and you are hindering her pilgrimage.”

“I’m sorry. Summoner or not, I have strict orders not to let anyone pass.”

It was then that Wakka made the startling discovery. “Hey, there’s Al Bhed here.”

“The Al Bhed and the Crusaders are teaming up?” Asked Yuna.

Wakka frowned. “What kind of operation needs the Al Bhed a part of it?”

“I find myself asking the same question.” A wispy voice interrupted.

The party turned to see Maester Seymour joining the fray. He seemed none too bothered by the presence of those so-called heathens.

He almost looked excited.

“Lady Yuna? Is there something the matter?”

Tidus felt an uncomfortable crawling sensation in his veins. This blue haired clown really made his skin crawl. Jealousy, the others might say. But no, he could read those sleazy bedroom eyes from a mile away.

How old was this dude anyway? Should he be allowed to look at Yuna like that?

Why did he care? He wondered. He was a guardian now, so obviously he was watching out for her.

And a pending marriage proposal, his subconscious reminded him politely. He had managed to forget about that all morning.

“We need to get through to continue my pilgrimage,” Yuna said simply.

Tidus really admired that she didn’t try any persuasion at that moment. No beating her enchanting mismatched eyes, or pitching her voice up like so many girls had done to him.

She didn’t even say please.

“I’ll take care of it.” Seymour smiled.

Tidus mimed a gagging motion at Kimahri, but the joke was wasted on the stoic ronso.

Miraculously, Seymour did take care of it. They were waved on almost immediately, much to the chagrin of Dona, who was asked to stay back.

They were prompted forward, down the Mushroom Rock trail, to the beach and the command post, where everything was going down.

The Mi’ihen Highroad was lush with greens. A perfect day with ideal blue skies, with happy chocobos fluttering around.

But the closer they got to the operation, the grayer the sky, the drier the ground, and the more fierce the fiends.

Yuna shivered slightly as they entered a valley.

“You okay, Yuna?” Tidus asked.

“Oh, yes. Just got a chill up my spine.” She came a little closer to him and admitted. “I don’t know why, but I got a sense of dread all of a sudden.”

“What’s the operation all about, anyway?”

“I’m not sure. But I suppose we’ll find out more when we reach the command post.”

They found out plenty when they crested the hill and found a half a dozen machina canons all lined up and pointed out to sea.

The horror on his teammates faces proved that whatever was going on was likely very heretical.

“What are all these Machina doing here?” Asked Wakka.

A crusader answered. “We Crusaders and Al Bhed share the same dream. To be rid of Sin forever! And if we can take the burden away from the summoners, we’re going to try!”

It was a noble cause, Tidus thought. He had seen the devastation that Sin was capable of. Were these little canons good enough?”

They were explained the situation. A huge canon sat on the cliff side, easily big enough to wipe out a city if they weren’t careful. And there was an army on the beach, ready to fight and distract with swords.

He hoped this would all work, maybe then Yuna could stop her journey.

Maybe Sin would come to shore and he would go home, and then he wouldn’t have to come up with an answer for Yuna’s marriage proposal.

He felt like maybe all these things were unlikely, and that only the worst was to come.

The army was still preparing, and there was no sign of Sin, though the bait was set and waiting.

Tidus spotted a familiar merchant standing back, behind the cliff wall.

“O’aka, right?”

“Ah, so my name is catching on, eh?”

“Well...maybe. We rode in the boat over from Kilika, remember?”

“Oh yes. I never forget a face! You lent me a pretty penny, and for that, I’m grateful. Are you after anything? I have a special rate because of the operation.”

“Do you...have any rings?”

“Rings? Ah yes, all sorts of magic wards. And they’re pretty too!”

Tidus had been given an allowance for such an occasion.

O’aka displayed his tray of jewelry, with about a dozen different choices on it. Golds and silvers, with all sorts of jewels.

“What about this one?” He pointed to a silver and blue one, with a very intricate design.

“Excellent choice! A real heavy hitter! Stone, water, fire, and lightning proof, and it's blessed!”

“How much?”

“For you my friend, only 9999!”

Tidus opened and closed his mouth in shock. “Uhhh...”

“What are you doing?” Auron asked, coming up behind him.

He yelped in surprise, and then tried to school his expression into something that didn’t look like he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “Uhh...just looking at rings.”

“For Yuna?”

O’aka’s eyes widened. “For Lady Summoner Yuna? My my, how interesting!”

“Mind your own business!” Tidus scolded with a blush.

“So you decided to say yes?” Auron asked.

“Not...completely. I’m still thinking things through...I just want to be prepared. You know? I thought, maybe having it would help me think.”

“A wise decision.” Auron took out a sack of Gil and handed it to O’aka, then took the ring, and a thicker, plainer band. “You get one too.”

“Oh. Right.” For now, Tidus just pocketed them, and decided to concentrate on the mission.

A mission that was doomed to fail, according to Maester Seymour and Kinoc.

“Let them keep dreaming.” They said. It was almost an admission to a genocide.

Everybody here, crusaders, Al Bhed, and a few Yevonites, they were all fighting for peace. For calm.

And yet, these ‘Holy Men’ had laughed behind their backs.

Tidus had nothing against the temples. Faith and prayer were vital in keeping hope in such a dismal world. But these Maesters smelled heavily of nepotism and flagrant thirst for power.

In Zanarkand, such men would find places of power. In government, in business, on boards and councils. But of the religions back home, he thought of them as pious and self sacrificing.

Not whatever these two men were.

How many others were like this? How many others were willing to sacrifice people?

Why wasn’t anyone speaking up?

They shouldn’t have come. They should have stayed at the blockade, or gone back to stay another night at the Travel Agency.

But no. Now Tidus was in the water, rapidly chasing down his old man. The beach was littered with bodies and shrapnel of destroyed Machina. The operation had failed catastrophically, and yet, all he could do was swim on, chasing.

He wouldn’t let this opportunity pass him by.

But Sin was gone. Just as Jecht had vanished from his life, so had the beast once again. Giving no answers, leaving more questions, and leaving oblivion it's wake.

How long had he been passed out for? Minutes? Hours? He wasn’t sure. The wet sand pressed against his back as he washed ashore. All his chasing and he was back.

“There you are! You good, brudda?” Wakka hurried to him and pulled him to his feet.

“Yeah. Just...I just fell.”

And he had. He had been up top fighting that Sinspawn before he fell below. So it wasn’t a complete lie. He just didn’t want to explain to Wakka that he had tried to chase down the biggest menace on Spira because of a childhood grudge.

“Where’s Yuna?” He asked instead.

“Talking to Maester Seymour.” He pointed up towards the ridge. Yuna stood there, head bowed as Maester Seymour stood too close, speaking to her.

“I gotta go.”

“I don’t know man, seems like a private conversation.”

“Like I care!” Tidus staggered to his feet and hurried over to her. He stood below the ridge, just out of sight, but not out of earshot.

“…so you mustn’t cry.” Seymour preached. “You must be a beacon of light to Spira, you must be strong for these survivors.”

“I know,” Yuna said, in a tender voice. “But some of these people were my friends, and I want to grieve their loss.”

“Yuna, being a summoner means removing your emotions from those around you. You can care, but not too much. You know that, right?”

Tidus wanted to grab that cretin by the robes and push him into the sea. Maybe Sin would come back and swallow him. Was that too much to ask?

“I understand. Thank you, Maester Seymour.”

The man patted her head, like she was a dog, and moved on.

Yuna stood there for a moment, just staring at the ground.

“Yuna?” Tidus spoke behind her.

She turned, and saw him just below her on the ridge. She nodded with resolve and sat down on the edge. “Will you help me down?”

He held his arms up for her, and she took hold of his shoulders. She slid down, to stand with him, keeping her eyes locked with his. “Thank you.”

“Anytime. You okay?”

She just nodded. Then added, “I have a sending to do.”

So he let her go, and watched as she began her dance.

A dance devoid of joy, of fun, of merriment. It was still graceful, and haunting, but the tightness in her face contrasted with the fluid movement in her body.

Sobs and wailing filled the air, as survivors of the massacre witnessed their friends and family rise as Pyreflies into the air.

If it was up to him, she’d stop dancing. So she could stop hiding her sorrows.

Her strength did amaze him, though. He watched as she danced up and down that beach, long after the sun had set. She wouldn’t allow one soul to not be sent. They already suffered, they didn’t need to remain as fiends.

Long after Seymour and Kinoc left, long after the other guardians set up camp, Tidus still followed Yuna down the beach. All the way to the other end, before she collapsed in exhaustion.

“Yuna?” He asked softly.

“I just need a moment,” she breathed.

She sprawled out on the sand, and Tidus wondered if she cared about it getting in her hair.

She looked exhausted. Her lips pulled into a tight line, and her eyes were shut hard.

“Why did this have to happen?” She asked aloud, mostly hypothetical, but loud enough for him to hear.

“Because people were sick of Sin. And death was a better alternative to sitting and twiddling their thumbs.”

She sighed. “My mind knows that, but my heart...”

He sat in the sand beside her, just a hands length away. “You know, it’s okay to cry.”

She shook her head.

“Even I let out a few tears back there, and most of these people were complete strangers. You knew some of them.”

“I have to be strong. Summoners are a pillar of strength to the people of Spira.”

“So I heard,” he shrugged. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t ever cry.”

“I don’t want to.” She protested. “I want my journey to be full of laughter, and you’ve been so good about helping with that. Don’t tell me to cry.”

“Fine. I’m not going to make you cry. Just...sometimes, being happy isn’t possible. Then it’s the best to just be less sad.”

Yuna turned to look at him, but didn’t say anything.

“Maybe I don’t know anything about Yevon, or hardly anything about life. But I think grief is when you love too much, and you can’t give it. I think if I saw a summoner cry from loss, I would feel better. My future, my world, is in the hands of someone who loves.”

Yuna hummed softly, garnering his attention. She had streaks on her cheeks, but he politely chose not to mention it. “What happened here was a tragedy, but for a moment, everyone was United and working together, and I thought it was really beautiful. So maybe it was bad...but not all bad.”

“Feel better?”

“Yeah...not happy, but less sad.” She sat up, dusting the sand from her clothes. She admired the stars above and the crashing of waves before pushing to stand. “We should get back soon, before they worry.”

“We will,” Tidus assured. “But I want to ask you something first.”

“Alright?”

With resolve he hadn’t felt in a while, he took the ring out of his pocket, and got down on one knee. “You know, it might feel like weird timing, but I want to help.”

“Tidus?”

He held the ring up to her. “Yuna, will you marry me?”

She just stared at him for a long time.

“I know you asked me, but back home, it’s kind of tradition for the guy to ask. Hope you don’t mind?”

“So...you’re accepting my proposal?”

“Only if you accept mine.”

She laughed, a genuine smile breaking out on her face. “Alright. I accept!”

He smiled too, and pushed to his feet. Then he held out for her hand and slipped the ring on for her.

“I never thought I’d propose to a girl I wasn’t dating.” He joked.

“Already getting cold feet?”

He shook his head, before gathering her into a hug.

Yuna was startled for only a moment, before snuggling into his arms.

“Whatever you need, you come to me, okay?” He asked. “If you need to laugh, or cry, or a hug. I’m your man.”

Yuna smiled into the embrace. “Yes, you are my man.”

#Final Fantasy #Final Fantasy X #FFX #tidus x yuna #tidus #final fantasy tidus #yuna #I Do...I guess?#Fanfiction

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phanlight · 3 years

Text

Imagine Living Like A King Someday

prompt: Southview Boarding School isn’t a castle and Phil Lester isn’t royalty, but he has everything. His father owns the school, he’s popular, has the best room, gets all the best treatment – there are very few things that aren’t handed to him on a platter. Dan is a cleaner/Phil’s personal maid there, and he isn’t as lucky. Everyone seems to take an aversion to the outsider, including Phil (at first).

[CHAPTER MASTERPOST]

theres something so funny to me abt having written all of this over a matter of months and then picking it up 4 entire years later like nothing happened

still thinking of the enormous steaming mess past left future me to clear up in terms of plot but i think we're finally there THANKS 2016 SHELLEY

[AO3 LINK]

Twenty-Three (fINALLY)

By far the best thing about this job, Dan decides, is the Thursday afternoons. They allow for a lull in the week, a window wherein Phil is enveloped in a research project and Noah equally as swallowed up in rehearsals. December being only a breath away had made for a sudden increase in workload for both of them; it seems leaving the holiday season for an actual holiday is far too big an ask for the education system. Dan feels sorry for them. He remembers his burning resentment toward academic responsibilities; how much he’d loathed being made to study while the sky loses its light. He’d taken pity on the pair of them and stocked up on various study supplies – all edible and a few drinkable, much to their delight. He’d left them with all the Kit-Kats, Doritos and Jaffa Cakes they’d possibly be able to cram into a four-hour session. He’s becoming something of a mother figure, he giggles when he tells Lawrence.

There’s something about conversations with someone as wise as the head caretaker, the nicest boss he’s ever had, that jolts everything back into perspective again. Sometimes, when anxiety gnaws and every breath feels uneasy, the only thing that helps is a few words of wisdom. Of true compassion. And as caring and as gentle as Phil is, sometimes it’s worth listening to someone over triple his age; with triple his life experience.

And way over triple his collection of mugs. They stand in rows in a cabinet next to the desk, a glass door keeping them on proud display (there’s no way he doesn’t polish that regularly). He can’t count the teas they’ve had together, but he’s never had the same mug twice. It makes the overall experience just that little bit more enjoyable; a guaranteed smile no matter how bleak the day.

“Wallace, or Gromit?” is the first thing Lawrence says when Dan creaks open the door.

He frowns. Bit of an odd way to say hello, but he’s had weirder.

“Sorry?”

“If you had to pick?”

Dan chuckles, his frown melting away. Months of this place has made him warmly familiar with Lawrence’s eccentricities and quick-fire questions upon entering. The only one who works here with a personality, Phil often calls him, before quickly adding Below fifty, of course.

“Gromit,” he says decidedly. “He’s cute.”

“Gromit it is,” he whips around, presenting Dan with a steaming ceramic version of the dog, his left ear protruding into a handle.

“How did I not see that coming?” Dan chuckles, taking the mug and nearly burning his fingertips. “Thanks,” he sips a little too quickly. “Let me guess; you have a Wallace one too?”

“A-ha!” Lawrence spins around again holding with an identically sized mug, the other character still grinning despite having a head full of boiling hot liquid.

“You never cease to amaze me,” Dan grins, shaking his head in disbelief. He plops himself down on Lawrence’s enormous armchair, shifting a jacket off of the seat. Despite his repeated insistence that he really doesn’t mind and the stool looks really comfy, actually; Lawrence insists he takes his chair every single time he comes over.

‘It’s just lovely to have a chat with you, kid,’ he’d say. ‘I don’t get many visitors.’

The whole thing swamps Dan’s small frame, the upholstery devouring most of him, but the comfort is unbeatable. He could fall asleep here.

“Look at his nose! His- look at that! Hey- you’re missing it!”

Dan’s eyes dart around the room. “Wait- what?”

“The mug!” he urges.

Dan frowns, peering at the steaming Wallace. His grin looks like the taste of Brie.

“It’s-…” he squints. “Big?”

“Not mine you daft thing- yours!” he points.

“Mine?” Dan looks down. Gromit stares forward, his black button now a cherry red. “Oh!”

“Clever, that, ain’t it?” Lawrence enthuses, his eyes shimmering. “Must be a heat detector! I don’t know how they do it, these things,” he beams. “It’s like they’re finding something new every day.”

Dan’s heart glows. It would come as no surprise if he’d been waiting all week to show him that.

“I’ll keep an eye out for it next time,” Dan smiles, looking down. “I used to have a Pac-Man mug that did a similar thing, actually.”

“Pac-Man, eh?” Lawrence says as if it’s the eleventh Grand Theft Auto. “What used to happen? Did he do his little routine?”

“Not quite,” Dan giggles, assuming his ‘little routine’ constituted flying around a maze uncontrollably. “The ghosts just appeared. Nothing moved, though.”

“That’ll be the next step, I tell you,” Lawrence says. “Goodness knows what they’ll be able to do even one year from now. Come next Christmas you’ll be buying me a mug that can sing.”

Dan’s grin doesn’t stop. How someone so many times his age can still bear such child-like enthusiasm for the small things really is something treasurable. The gem of Southview, he decides as he takes another sip and studies the bottle opener collection beside him. Lawrence makes this job bearable. Worthwhile.

He doesn’t tell him such mugs actually exist; doesn’t let on the Cherusker stein is a particular favourite of his. The cabinet full of them was in fact possibly the only tolerable aspect of the May Fair experience; – he’d forever spend lounge duty dusting them, lifting every one and smiling as gentle lullabies spilled out until barked at to ‘stop wasting time’. He makes a mental note to make another addition to his Christmas shopping list. He’s certain Lawrence is aware of their existence, but he’s sure he wouldn’t be expecting to unwrap one only three weeks from now. Seeing those eyes crinkle with joy under years of laughter lines is a gift in itself.

He only realizes he’s smiling when Lawrence matches his grin.

“You’re at a funny age,” he sighs, clinking the spoon against the china. He places it on an Abbey Road coaster. “That’s what my mother used to say,” he pauses, forehead lined with thought. “Mind you, she’s been saying that at every age I’ve been,” there’s a silence. “Even now.”

Dan grins, imagining a woman twenty-odd years older but about a metre shorter. It warms his heart to hear she’s still with him, with them. Here.

“What does that say, eh?” he continues. “There’s never an age you’re going to look back and everything around you will have fallen into place. Never a moment you’ll dust off your hands and think ‘well, that was easy’. Because that isn’t life.”

The final sentence resounds all around the hemisphere of his consciousness. What absolute truth there is to be found in that.

This is precisely what he loves about his conversations with Lawrence. It isn’t just the tea. Not even the comfort both physical and emotional alike; the guarantee that whatever he confesses to doing won’t go any further than the office walls. It isn’t even the advice- which he’d go so far as to admit is more beneficial than Phil’s, at certain times (there’s just something about hearing it from someone who’s double their combined age).

It’s the lack of judgement. The listening ear. The only person he can truly guarantee is without a single trace of bias or underlying ulterior motive. The ‘I’ve experienced, lived, truly knocked down but bounced back every time’ tone that resonates through every pebble of advice, each wise word he gifts away.

And he feels safe, talking to him. He feels comfortable. It’s everything every single past job wasn’t, and even now, when Dan drags a scalding sip to his lips and listens to Lawrence’s stories, his pellets of wisdom and anecdote after anecdote involving life in the Sixties, he realizes he’s truly safe here. Happy, almost.

“How old is she? Your mother?” The question escapes his lips before he can exercise any control over what he’s asking. Shit, he hopes that wasn’t too personal. Not a lot of things are off-limits when it comes to conversations with Lawrence, but boundaries are still unclear.

Lawrence remains unfazed, his expression still thoughtfully soft.

“She’ll be ninety-eight this June.”

“Eighty-eight?” Dan frowns. He must have heard that wrong.

Lawrence points a finger to the ceiling. “Up ten.”

His jaw drops.

“Wow.”

“Yep,” Lawrence contradicts with a warm head nod. “She’s lived through a lot, has our Maggie.”

“I can imagine,” Dan breathes, leaning against the desk. His respective lifespan has already thrown enough in his direction. He can’t imagine what four times that would be.

“Lived through two world wars, bless her,” he sighs, his eyes studying the windowsill. “Lord alone knows what the woman must have witnessed,” his eyes flicker to Dan. “Then bringing up three kids on top of that,” he shakes his head, slurping the steam. “I don’t know how she does it. Still going strong, mind. She’s an angel.”

“Truly,” Dan sighs, his gaze leaning further and further out of the window. A crow comes to a soaring descent onto one of the branches, leaving a flutter of yellow leaves in its wake. If he narrows his eyes he can make out the very outline of a nest somewhere further in. “You’re lucky to have her,” he says before his thoughts can catch up.

Lawrence huffs out a chuckle. “You sound almost as old as I do, kid,” he hesitates. “Though you’re right. I am. I love her.” There’s a silence. “And I make sure I tell her every single day.”

Something tightens in the back of Dan’s throat. He blinks a couple of times, sipping carefully. “That’s lovely,” he mumbles into the mug, masking the crack he knew was going to appear in his voice.

“It’s important to say it as often as you can, you know,” he says, tearing open a box of Leibniz and giving Dan the first pick. They’re orange – his favourite. Last week’s rant over the white chocolate ones had clearly been taken on board. “However you say it. In whichever respect you mean it. You have to tell them how much they mean to you. You have to tell them you love them.”

A crumb goes down the wrong way.

“Careful, kid,” Lawrence gives him a firm thump on the back. Dan erupts into coughs, pausing to choke on his own breath a handful of times.

“You okay?”

It’s an amusing question given he’s a shade of scarlet and can only gasp in response, but he nods anyway, reaching for the tea.

All good, he mouths.

A couple of scalding sips later his lungs finally begin to recalibrate.

“Fuck-…” he huffs out a sigh. “I don’t know where that came from- I-…” he chokes again. “You’re right, though, about the-” another cough interrupts him.

“You’re meant to eat it, not inhale it,” Lawrence chuckles. “You donut. Here-“ he pulls out a drawer, scrabbling through loose sheets of kitchen roll and various CDs (without cases, much to Dan’s anxiety) before thrusting a half-opened packet of Soothers into his hand. “Finish them off, kid.”

“Oh, Lawrence,” Dan’s heart all but melts. “Thank you.”

He only takes one, but Lawrence insists he keeps them.

“Just in case you inhale your dinner tonight,” he chuckles, before adding, “Don’t you go choking on that, for God’s sake.”

“The irony of choking on a Soother,” Dan giggles. his speech a little indistinct. They’re a little on the sticky side but they still taste good. The peach ones have always been his favourite.

“Remember what I said,” he reminds him as Dan chews.

“Thank you,” he says again.

“Not at all, pet,” he smiles. “They need eating up.”

Dan chuckles. “I meant for the-…” he trails off when he spots the gleam in the older man’s eye. He doesn’t even need to finish his sentence to know he knows.

“It’s my pleasure. As long as I can be useful for something,” he raises his chipped mug to his lips as if it’s a champagne glass. “Always remember to give your energy to the right things. And the right people.”

Dan smiles, twining a loose thread around his pinkie. Another pellet of wisdom to come back to when he feels his mind darkening.

“I never used to be much good at that,” he admits. “The right people were always the wrong.”

“Ah, but never forget how far you’ve come,” Lawrence says. “You’re telling me things you wouldn’t have even been able to even think about months ago.”

Dan looks up. “Seriously?” Shit, he hadn’t even noticed.

“Would I be joking?” Lawrence simply says, furrowing a large silver eyebrow. Dan looks down at his tea, sipping carefully. It’s reached a perfect temperature, the liquid hugging his lips. “You tend not to be able to see your own progress, but others can. Others do,” he insists, grey eyes promising.

Dan feels like he’s going to cry.

“Thank you,” he breathes, disguising his mouth with the mug again.

“You don’t need to thank me, kid,” he chuckles.

“It’s unbelievably hard not to,” Dan admits, chuckling too. His eyes threaten tears but he can’t stop grinning.

“If anything, I should be thanking you,” he says.

Dan stares at him.

“Me? What for?”

“Oh, kid,” Lawrence sighs, his eyes glittering. “You have no idea how much I appreciate you. We’ve had some real characters in and out of here, I’m telling you – between you and me, and don’t even let this get to Phil, but-…” he shakes his head, his eyes following another crow headed in the same direction. He’s probably watching the same tree; Dan briefly thinks before he continues. “Some were okay,” he says almost as if to convince himself if anyone. “Mary, she was lovely. But some,” he closes his eyes, shaking his head. “Look- I really shouldn’t be telling you this- Lord alone knows how unprofessional it is to be-“

“I wouldn’t worry,” Dan interjects, immediately apologizing for interrupting. “Workplaces harbor all manner of dark secrets. I’m sure a little venting about a couple of difficult colleagues doesn’t even come close.”

Lawrence chuckles, dusting biscuit crumbs off of the desk. “That I can’t argue with, kid,” he continues wiping, as if to process his next thought. “I’m not one to speak ill of people- of anyone, but-…’ he shakes his head. ‘You have no idea how much easier a time you give me, kid. It’s a joy to have you here,” he lowers his voice. “Some of them didn’t even turn up.”

Dan feels his face burn a little. Something warm floods through his veins. Shit, he’s never been told anything like that before. Never anything even remotely close. There’s also something particularly wholesome about Lawrence giving a recount of lousy employees like it’s a business-shattering affair, all hushed tones and closed doors.

“It’s great to be here,” he says quickly, his heart thumping. “It really is. It-…” he stops himself, interrupted by the abundance of possible phrases. Saved me, is the only one that adheres.

“I know,” Lawrence says before he can even open his mouth. He reaches forward and gives his knee a quick pat, and Dan wonders how such a small motion can harbour such reassurance. He doesn’t even need to finish his sentences he’s this understanding. “You’re a delight of an employee, I hope you realize,” he grins. “Everything you do is so appreciated here, kid. I ought to tell you that more often,” he pauses. “Sometimes the advice we give is advice we need to take ourselves, eh?

“And vice-versa,” Dan smiles, before hesitating. “Maybe I ought to express myself more.”

“Oh, you already do, kid,” Lawrence says. “We know.”

Dan’s grinning at his tea when he catches the end of his sentence.

“Especially Phil, did you say?”

“Oh, tell me about it. He can’t speak too highly of you, can our Phil. He can’t stop talking about you altogether, mind. ‘The Dan Button’, we call it.”

This conversation isn’t doing Dan’s sensitive blush reflex any favours whatsoever, but he’s past caring. He’s something of an open book to Lawrence anyway.

He stares at the row of vintage Cadbury mugs lining the top shelf of the cabinet (the 1970s Caramel edition is his favourite – there’s just something about the golden writing) as he continues. He wonders if he has a Phil Button. Does he talk about him a lot? Fuck, he hasn’t even thought about it. Usually there’s so much to say; whether it be an anecdote from the passing day or a conversation they’d had or something they’d watched or witnessed or read. It’s difficult to keep track of his own train of thought whenever anyone mentions him. The topic usually leads itself, his own mouth merely a guide. He’ll have to ask Noah if it’s getting excessive.

His eyes stay with the branch. The two crows huddle around the nest-like cluster. By the time this conversation is over the tree will probably be completely leaf-less, he notices as more fall.

“I don’t have a Phil Button, do I?” he says before he can stop himself. Fuck. He just couldn’t resist.

Lawrence only smiles. An eyebrow thinks about twitching upward.

Dan smirks at the silence. Okay. Enough said.

“You kids,” he sighs, swallowing the remains of his tea. “Look out for each other, won’t you? Remember what I said. Tell people how much they mean to you. They aren’t mind-readers.”

Dan smiles, and promises.

“Always.”

Lawrence grins. “I’m glad you ended up here. Doctor Lester is particularly fond of you, y’know.”

Dan stares at him. Surely not. He’s never even seen the man talk, let alone crack anything close to a smile. Any communication between the two had always been by proxy – usually through Lawrence but Phil a lot of the time too. It’s eerily easy to forget they’re even related at all, let alone father and son.

“Oh yes,” he continues, reading his expression. “I shan’t embarrass you with the details, but he says it’s simply a delight to have you on board.”

Dan stares out of the window. Another crow had joined whom he had presumed to be the mother (how can you even tell with birds like that?), both fluttering close to their respective nest. More leaves fall with every judder.

“Well, that-…” he giggles, already feeling his face flush again. He’s going to have to invest in some makeup at this point. “That means a lot. To say the very least, I guess,” he widens his eyes, staring into space. “Wow. God, that’s-…” disbelief silences him. He shakes his head. “That’s the first time like-…” his eyes flicker wider. “Ever.”

“Yeah,” Lawrence remains tactfully quiet. Any allusions toward past jobs are always met with nothing other than gentle sympathy – never questions, never any further comments. Dan can’t thank him enough for that – the past is to be referred to, not relived. If its only reflective purpose is to one day be used as a comparison, something highlighting the incline of quality of life thereafter, then so be it. “You’re appreciated here, kid. By all of us,” he leans forward. “Between you and me, I think he can see how happy you’re making Phil. Y’didn’t hear that from me though, alright?” he nudges his foot with his own and throws him a quick wink.

Dan goes from pink to peony. He makes sure to chew his biscuit properly this time, dunking it in the remains of the tea. Another choking fit at his point would probably send him head-first into the recovery position. He doesn’t reckon being carried out of Mr. Headforth’s office on a stretcher would be his finest hour. Not when he’s finally made it onto the good side of the school, of the staff and communities therein; unusually tight-knit for such a vast population.

He looks up. He smiles.

“No, I didn’t.”

Lawrence’s eyes flicker down to his cheeks. He doesn’t need to say anything.

And I make sure I tell her every single day.

It resides with him for the rest of the afternoon, the phrase burning itself into his consciousness like a tattoo behind the eyes. He can’t let it go, not when he’s studying that pineapple streak the sunset left behind, Phil a breezy nuzzle to the cheek. Not when they’re pacing through the corridors somewhere in the evening, somewhere between the fall of the sun and the rise of the moon. Not even when their hair becomes a confusion of two shades and every breath is shared.

However you say it. In whichever respect you mean it.

He wonders how Lawrence tells her; his mother. When. Where. Does it depend on the day? The hour? Circumstance? He knows there are more than eight letters involved in the action, more than three words to its weight. Does the meaning bleed through his everyday phrases? When he asks her about her day? Whether she’s eaten?

He gulps, his heart thudding.

“Have you had lunch?” was how he’d greeted Phil this noon. “I have loads of pasta in the fridge. I made too much again.”

He stares at the ceiling.

“Text me when you get there,” was how he’d said goodbye this evening. It had started as a joke between the three of them – the campus, although spanning acre-upon-acre of land is still nothing but a speck when compared to the rest of the outside world – but had quickly become something of a tradition (to the extent Dan would often find himself receiving ‘i’m ok <3’ texts from someone in the next room as him).

“Take care,” is how he punctuates most ending conversations with the other boy in hindsight. Still eight letters. A different combination of such, albeit, but a mirrored meaning.

Oh god. He’s fucked.

You’re at a funny age, grey eyes remind him.

Every cell in his body agrees with that, and apparently it’s something they’ll have to get used to. It looks like that’ll never stop, not even after ninety-eight trips around the Sun.

Remember what I said.

Dan does.

#phanfic #phanfiction #phan au #dan and phil #mywriting #writing #chaptered #im still refamiliarising myself w this so it might take a couple chapters to properly settle in #but i hope this is ok omg

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ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years

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Your new OC is amazing and I love him. Do you write fantasy settings a lot? Does he have any more story than that?

Well, I have a half-written novel and some outline and blocking ideas for another and those are both fantasy setting, but generally speaking not really! My writing lately has been very much modern in setting even if it still has fantastical elements.

Killan doesn't have much more to him than the piece I posted today and a conversation with @wildfaewhump where he popped in and made himself 100% babey right away, but...

Here:

CW: Referenced whipping, welts, starvation, a guy being cruel to someone weaker for personal amusement, debt slavery, abusive language/behavior

Killan felt uneasy in towns. He'd grown up in a village of just ten families, and large towns with all their bustle made him nervous. He stuck close to Beron, who was in one of his nice moods and kept a warm hand on Killan's back.

It rubbed against the welts from last week when he'd done the trap up wrong and a good-sized doe had run right through it. Ren had whipped him until his arm hurt too much to keep going and Killan had stayed in his bedroll for two days after, unable to stand.

Got added to his debt, that deer. He hated her now.

Killan'd been allowed no food but porridge once a day since, just a bit of grain wet down with water. No taste and left him hungry and hollow, but at least that didn't get added to his debt, too.

Ren would've been a real cruel man if he did that, he said. The whipping and the porridge and the deer put to his tally was enough.

In town everything smelled good on top of the deeper unpleasant smells of sewage and Killan's empty stomach twisted and gnawed him from the inside.

Beron seemed to see it in his pale face. The big man glanced down at him and gave him a smile. "Reckon you've been punished enough for an honest mistake, eh, Matti?"

Killan perked up. Hope, soft and feathered, brushed against his thoughts and was pushed back down again. "I, I think so, Beron."

"Yes, me, too. C'mon, Matti."

Killan didn't even mind the wrong name, he let Beron lead him up to a stall where the scent of cooking meat made his knees buckle and he would've fallen if not for Beron gripping him by the arm to keep him standing. Beron picked out a big turkey leg from a half-dozen turning slowly on a spit over a fire and paid a few coins to the man standing nearby.

When he handed the turkey leg to Killan it was still hot, dripped a little fat onto his hand. At first he only stared. "For... For me?"

"Go on, Matti. Eat." Beron grinned.

Killan hesitated. Dread filtered into his initial ecstasy and he knew what Beron was going to do. But he set himself to smiling up at him anyway. The smile came easily now - he'd been practicing looking grateful all the time for months. "Th-thank... Thank you, Beron."

"Welcome, kiddo."

Killan tore into the turkey leg and could have cried at the burst of hot flavor against teeth and tongue. He ate too fast and he knew it, ate with desperation borne of too many hungry nights, but he knew it was too good to be true and he knew what would happen soon enough.

Beron watched him, content at the way the boy looked like a slavering animal, inhuman, like a dog chewing on a bone to get everything it could. Happy with the way the boy got the occasional disgusted look from anyone who happened to look their way. He looked like a beggar next to Beron, in his threadbare too-big clothes and with his face all smeared in dirt.

Beron and the others had had a good cleaning before going to market, but Killan had been too slow getting the water heater, no time for a bath for him.

Killan didn't notice anyone looking. He was too focused on the meat, on eating as much as he could before-

Beron reached out and grabbed the half-eaten turkey leg from his hands, dangled it just high enough Killan couldn't grab for it - just long enough to watch him try - and then threw it to some stray dogs sniffing around the edges of the street.

Killan let out a soft, sad cry as he watched it arc through the air.

The dogs alighted on it in a pack, shredding it in seconds, and Killan stared with real despair.

He would have thrown himself into the pack if he'd thought he had a chance to get a few shreds back.

Beron burst out laughing, his great big booming laugh, and clapped Killan on the back. The still-healing welts from the whip lit up in a sudden burst of fiery pain and Killan bit back a cry, dug his teeth into his lip until the urge to curse Beron for his meanness left.

"Your face! Look at you, acting like we don't feed you plenty. Silly boy."

Beron laughed again, and Killan forced a faded smile onto his face.

"Silly," He agreed, in a voice faint and nearly formless. "Silly me."

But he couldn't look away from the dogs fighting over the last scraps of skin clinging to the turkey bone.

#whump #referenced whipping #scars #welts #wounded #fantasy setting #wildfaewhump's world #wildfaeworld #killan is babey and saddest boy #touch starvation #abusive behavior #food control #controlling food as abuse

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makeste · 5 years

Text

BnHA Chapter 243: Happy New Year

Previously on BnHA: The government was all “shit what are we going to do about Shigaraki Tomura and his Actual Fucking Army of villains, oh I know, why don’t we draft some child soldiers” and so they brought back internships and made them mandatory. Class 1-A had the Christmas party to end all Christmas parties, featuring 20 unique custom-tailored Santa costumes, enough chicken to feed Tomura’s entire Actual Fucking Army, and one (1) giant sword that somehow made its way into the hands of Eri, First of Her Name. Tidings of comfort and joy were had by all, and to cap things off, Shouto invited Bakugou (who by the way was having a lot of thoughts about how Best Jeanist asked him to reveal his new hero name the next time they met, because Horikoshi knows what kind of angst I like) and Deku to come intern with him at the motherfucking Endeavor Hero Agency and make everyone’s OT3 dreams come true.

Today on BnHA: Deku visits his mom on New Year’s Eve and the two of them ball out at the Make Me Cry Olympics. There is a whole plotline all about Hawks getting coffee, and I’m trying to figure out if it’s really just coffee or if THE ENTIRE SERIES SECRETLY HINGES ON THIS ONE SCENE omg. The next day at the Endeavor Hero Agency, Endeavor is all, “welcome! fuck you,” which may or may not be setting the tone for this whole arc. There’s a brief flashback to All Might congratulating his sons on their internship and saying foreshadowing things like “your new quirks probably won’t go fucking apeshit again” and “you’re a lot like Endeavor, this internship will be good for you!” Back in the present, Endeavor dramatically leaps over a railing and blasts off to go fight Monk Gyatso with the disaster trio hot on his heels. Hawks then shows up out of nowhere and the text is literally all, “WHAT’S HAWKS DOING HERE?” and seriously though. What are any of us even doing here. This arc has only just started and I already have no idea what’s going on and I fucking love it.

(All comments are my unspoiled reactions from my initial readthrough of the chapter. I did a quick edit for grammar and clarity immediately afterward, and added a few ETAs in the process, but aside from that there are no changes.)

loooool

is she going to be all right

-- also! WE’RE GOING TO SEE THE PARENTS AGAIN HOMG YES. HORIKOSHI YOU’RE ON FIRE WEEK AFTER WEEK YOU MAD DOG

(ETA: literally the only way he could end his streak was by going on fucking hiatus. son of a.)

oh shit I forgot that they had the cover and a color page this week! this is great

by the light (ba da dum ba da dum) of the silvery moon (ba da dum ba da dum) I want to spoon -- holy shit, what. do you ever look up the lyrics to a song you vaguely remember from your childhood twenty-five years later in order to make a bizarre joke in a manga recap and you’re like “!!?!?” lol what the fuck. this shit is from 1909. old timey pervs

anyways this may be my favorite Jump cover ever. colors are amazing, art is super cute, it’s the whole package. Aoyama and Iida are killing me. I need that Iida ball in real life, I would seriously pay real money

and now the color spread!

where can I buy that U.A. hoodie. I’m not kidding, I need it in my life. the U.A. logo is great because it doesn’t scream “LOOK AT ME I’M AN ANIME FAN” unless the other person also watches said anime, in which case that’s awesome because the two of you can become best friends and bond over how you’re both nerds with impeccable taste

Kacchan out here holding a fucking root beer like we don’t all know the truth. yeah tough guy you go to bed at eight-thirty and you’re third in your class at the top high school in Japan. but you keep on trying to preserve that image. also this kid is singlehandedly making wifebeaters high fashion I swear to god. it’s a talent

Kirishima looks so good in v-neck shirts yes you go Kiri!

Mina is here!! Mina is part of the main character squad now, everyone! that’s right!! Iida Tenya was booted out after he refused to partake in this photo shoot due to moral outrage over the fact that they’re shooting this at what appears to be a crime scene. a vacuum cleaner was murdered in cold blood omg

Ochako not smiling is such an unusual look for her (and Mina and Kirishima too for that matter) but holy shit. I like it

TODOROKI I’M TRYING TO REACH THROUGH THE COMPUTER SCREEN AND UNBUTTON YOUR TOP BUTTON. HOLY SHIT HOW CAN YOU EVEN BREATHE. RELAX

so the new character book is out October 4, eh? I think we knew this already, but maybe this time the date will actually stick in my mind. anyways, so doing the math, that leaves Kacchan three more chapters (including this one) to reveal his hero name. boy you have a deadline get to work!

YESSSSSSSSSSS

MY NEW YEAR’S ARC MAY NOT BE HAPPENING, BUT AT LEAST WE STILL GET TO SEE THEM RING IN 2217 HOORAY

damn that’s a lot of narration in the first panel

“while accompanied by guards” oh shit. and yet, I get it. I like how they refer to it as “the chain of events that led us to move into the dorms” rather than “that time Bakugou got fucking kidnapped.” they are not letting that happen again. good

IZUMAMA YESSSS

at least he’s being open with her about it! come on Inko, push through this. he’s already got 240 other things he’s still not telling you, don’t give him any more reason to keep being secretive

oh my god now Deku is like “anyways do you remember Eri?” and he’s reaching into his pocket now, holy shit?? WHATEVER HE’S PULLING OUT IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING CUTE, ISN’T IT

oH MY GOD!!!!!

THIS SON OF A BITCH IS JUST GONNA KEEP ON AMASSING A COLLECTION OF ADORABLE AND HILARIOUS LITTLE KID LETTERS, ISN’T HE. LISTEN HERE DEKU YOU MOTHERFUCKER!! THAT PIC OF “MISTER DEKU” IS -- I’M -- !!!!

“I was hardly able to do anything for her” ?? you SAVED HER LIFE?? you BODYSLAMMED OVERHAUL INTO THE GROUND?? YOU GOT US ALL OUT OF THAT ACCURSED BASEMENT? listen here you modest little shit you need to stop doing this. you even taught her the true meaning of quirks for crying out loud. you are the actual best

god the way he is staring at this letter is giving me too many feels for a Thursday afternoon. these are like Saturday night feels. this manga never goes easy on me

same Inko same

oh my god now Inko is launching into a speech about Deku’s sad childhood I can’t with this, MA’AM PLEASE

“covered in bruises” oh my problematic ship. oh this nuanced manga with its intricate layers of feels. this is the lasagna of mangas

hello page 3 is just one big assault on all my emotions and I would like to report this to someone help I am being besieged

oh my fucking god Midoriya family. I’m trying to process all of this and just!!

like. she’s known all this time how big his heart is and that he doesn’t care about himself and just wants to protect others. but for the longest time he was powerless to do it. but still he kept dreaming and she kept looking on waiting for that day he’d finally give up, ready for his heart to break, bracing herself. and then this miracle happened and he got a quirk and all his hopes came true and he got to go to his dream school, and now he’s training to become a hero just like he always wanted

and everything special she always saw about her boy is shining so brightly now, and everyone can see it, and he’s become so strong. but also he’s growing up so fast. he’s gone from being someone she had to protect to someone who’s strong enough to protect not only her, but everyone. strong enough to carry the world on his shoulders

just. can you even imagine. how much pride she must feel, in addition to the relief she’s expressing now. but also the loneliness of knowing she can’t hold on to her baby boy forever and he’s on the verge of going out into the world and leaving her. in fact he basically already has. anyways I came here today for some Three Musketeers antics and now I’m sitting her with Izumama empty nest feels, what is this

-- yo, what?? he’s starting the internship on New Year’s Fucking Day? U.A. doesn’t fuck around, goddamn

(ETA: seriously, no rest for the weary here. both Endeavor and Hawks are as busy as ever too. poor Hawks, who never wanted to be a hero to begin with, spent New Year’s Eve undercover trying to drown his sorrows in sugary coffee. of course, Jeanist is spending his New Year’s either in hiding or dead, so.)

anyways so he’s bidding his mom goodbye and getting onto a bus, and he’s all bundled up in a scarf but can’t be assed to wear a jacket, apparently. whatever Deku

AHHHH WHAT IS THIS NOW

AND OH MY GOD LOOK WHERE HE IS

THE LEAGUE OF PLIFF’S HEADQUARTERS AT THE OL’ OVERLOOK HOTEL. watch out for the elevators. Toga probably really likes them though

“where did you run off to number 2” um, he’s still a top ranked pro hero? what, do they just expect him to never do his job ever again? even if they think he’s on their side, they must realize that he needs to maintain his so-called cover

anyways, fucking Slidin’ Go is back, guys. when is someone going to punch this slippery bitch in the face

wow he’s seriously chewing Hawks out for flying off without permission. can someone please just deck this mouthbreather already

oh my god

this motherfucker really truly believes he is Hawks’s senpai. imagine having the same power as a fucking banana peel, and being so deluded you actually think you outrank a double agent of indispensable value, who also just so happens to be Dabi’s best friend, and oh yes, THE NUMBER TWO FUCKING HERO. I don’t even know where to begin with you, Slidin’ Go

oh snap but he’s immediately being called out on his BS lol this is great

twenty microdevices?? holy shit. that’s gonna make it really difficult for him to actually report back to the heroes

maybe if the PSC gives him twenty of their own little spy cams. then the only challenge is for him to try and remember which are which

lmao look at this little metaphorical drawing

isn’t this the Hyrule Castle level from Breath of the Wild

anyways don’t mind me, I’m just sitting here trying to figure out if there’s a double meaning to these two panels

is Skeptic just really bad at making small talk, or is there something here that I’m totally missing?? did he witness something during Hawks’s coffee run?

(ETA: this seriously reads to me as some kind of coded threat, but it makes no sense given the rest of the conversation. he goes on and on about how useful Hawks will be in helping them spy on the heroes, but then calls attention to him sneaking out to buy a single can of coffee. in conclusion I am probably overthinking this way too much, but it’s odd. maybe he really is just trying to be nice and coming off as weird and creepy.)

now we’re flashing back to Hawks’s last report to the PSC

if this is after he met up with Dabi then why does he still have the bag? WHEN WILL THIS STOP HAUNTING ME. I’M SO TIRED OF WAKING UP AT NIGHT IN A COLD SWEAT ONLY TO SEE HAWK’S BACKPACK STANDING THERE RIGHT NEXT TO MY BED, WATCHING

-- SDLKGHSLDKHFL

lmao this scared the shit out of me. Enji what the fuck

yesssss it’s mah boisssss

wow, he’s pretty weirdly enthused about the whole thing, huh? I expected him to bitch about it more. since Shouto basically offered his friends the gig all on his own without any consultation whatsoever. that’s called nepotism Shouto but it’s okay I forgive you

anyways. so are the Endeavor offices located in THE FUTURE. or what. is this Epcot

DKFJWELKFJL

LOL THAT’S MORE LIKE IT. FOR A MOMENT I THOUGHT WE HAD SLIPPED INTO SOME WEIRD ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

hahaha exactly

well I’m glad I’m not going crazy, at any rate. anyways though, Endeavor trying his best to be a good dad and caving in to his son’s ridiculous demands because he’s trying to make up for TWO DECADES OF BEING COMPLETE GARBAGE is pleasing to me as always. deal with it Endeav

HE SAID DEAL WITH IT!!

oh my god Katsuki is saying something holy shit, the next few panels will set the stage for what could be the sleeper hit character dynamic of the year. ghghkghhhhhh

( ⁰ o ⁰ )

oh my god

(ETA: Katsuki I have written whole essays about how perceptive you are and then you just. sob. now that he’s finally starting to ease up on the whole Angry Asshole thing, his inner dumbass is really shining through.)

YES HE IS AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO, YOUR BOURGEOIS SON HAS FALLEN IN WITH THIS CHURLISH ROUGHNECK FROM THE HOOD, DIE MAD ABOUT IT!!

lmaooo

that mental image omfg. HE WILL PUT UP WITH THIS SUFFERING IN ORDER TO GET CLOSER TO HIS GOAL. what a sacrifice. the pros outweighed the cons. it’s logic. I can’t, I

and Endeavor being so fucking mad that Shouto picked this asshole to be his new best friend sob. YOU CAN’T STOP THEIR BROMANCE IT IS UNFOLDING BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES

anyways I love everything and I’m all set for the mentoring to begin. bring it onnnn

so now Deku is being surprisingly earnest and thanking Endeavor for accepting them into his agency

and we’re getting our first glimpse of Deku’s Upgraded Feelings About Endeavor oooooh juicy

Deku is so good at seeing into people’s hearts. and so forgiving. we already knew he was -- the inciting event that led to the whole fucking series wouldn’t have even happened if he wasn’t -- but I’m honestly still so impressed every time I see it

(ETA: and also, this means that he still went and told him off during the sports festival even though he was scared of him. kid is the fucking role model to end all role models.)

also I’m already sensing that this chapter (and indeed, this entire arc) is going to prompt more Discourse up in the ol’ fandom. that’s going to be fun. anyways, I’ve already essayed more than once regarding Endeavor’s redemption arc, so I’m not going to spend too much time hashing out the same old points. but basically my stance is I’m fine with it. I think it’s good to show that people can change no matter how far they’ve gone down the wrong path. it may not be easy, but if they’re genuinely remorseful, and if the desire is there, then why not? I’m not gonna get up in arms because someone is trying to become a better person. the alternative is that they stay terrible, and that doesn’t help anyone

anyway, so now we’re flashing back to what appears to be a conversation with All Might, and oh my god

but you guys. listen. Katsuki is there, again. they’re not even discussing OFA this time and he’s still there! elbowed his way into this mentorship like the determined little shit he is, and now he’s not leaving and you all just have to deal with it. oh my god it’s everything I ever wanted, someone please pinch me is this real??

lol and now they are discussing OFA, but that’s okay. it’s only natural that would also be on the agenda

really, All Might?

you consider that “just fine”? that bloop? just as planned?? I know you love your son, but maybe consider raising the bar for him just a little bit. he is capable of so much more, and now of all times is not the time to go easy on him

and he’s still talking about the SIXQUIRKS as though unlocking more of them right now would be a bad thing. I really think this is the wrong approach. maybe I just want to see Deku go buck wild and fucking lose it though, idk

Katsuki has no patience for this either

“I don’t doubt it.” please Deku we’re not worthy of you and your wholesomeness. and he’s so sincere, too?? how does Kacchan continuously absorb all of this shameless admiration and affection day after day, week after week. how is he not humbled by it

anyways time to shut up about that though because All Might is now mentoring Bakugou directly and this requires my full fucking attention

yessss let the character development commence! I’m so excited ddhkshl

and now we’re back in the present and the conversation is taking a very interesting turn!

YES! HE DID! DO YOU REMEMBER? YOU WEREN’T REALLY PAYING ATTENTION BEFORE BECAUSE YOU WERE STILL IN ASSHOLE MODE. what do you have to say about it now?

...

mysterious

what

(ETA: “is he always like this?”)

lol what

hahaha. this arc is off to a fucking hysterical start

oh snap y’all look at this

100% chance Deku is right fucking behind him lol. probably they all are

YEP

BITCH, WHO THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DEALING WITH. YOU THOUGHT THESE WERE JUST ANY OLD INTERNS?? FUCK YOU, THESE ARE PREMIUM, CLUB-LEVEL, OCEAN VIEW INTERNS, YOU UNAPPRECIATIVE LOUT. YOU INGRATE

lol but he’s not missing a beat though, and he’s ordering them to stay behind and watch him oh shit. what is even going on

now we’re cutting to some fucking yogi bobbing around town in a lotus position screaming about a divine revelation he received from fucking space. okay

AHHH WHAT

HAWKS IS ALREADY GETTING IN ON THE ACTION, JESUS CHRIST. DOES THIS FUCKER EVER PUT ON THE BRAKES?? THIS ARC IS LIKE TWELVE DIFFERENT PLOTLINES INTERSECTING ALL AT ONCE AND I CAN BARELY KEEP UP. THIS SHIT IS A TRAINWRECK WAITING TO HAPPEN AND I’M STANDING HERE MESMERIZED

BUT!!!

cue Celine Dion’s “All by Myself” while I fall down dramatically nooooo. the lord giveth and he taketh away. YOU OPENED A DOOR AND CLOSED THE WINDOW YOU BASTARD sob why

well shit. and that means that Katsuki has only one chapter left to reveal his hero name, too. (ETA: keeping track of the important things here lol.) and somehow I don’t see that happening unless the focus of the next chapter takes a very dramatic shift, since we seem to be launching into full plot mode before any of us even have our seatbelts on. not that I’m complaining about that because sdkljk

anyways. see y’all in two weeks I guess. the My Plots Academia arc sure is off to a crazy fucking start

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surveys-at-your-service · 6 years

Text

Survey #112

“i’m like a jesus crisis.”

Have you ever kissed someone who was drunk? He wasn't wasted or anything, but I'm pretty sure he was drunk with how ungodly talkative he was, and was way more expressive of emotions than he naturally was. Do you like going to weddings? I do again now. Although I haven't been to one since recovery, I'm sure I'd handle it fine and actually be happy this time. I need to get more comfortable in that setting since I'd actually really like a big part of my hopeful photography career to be weddings. Such a big celebration of love is something I adore. I already just like taking pictures of couples. Who was the last person you know who became pregnant? BECAME pregnant, uh, I think a person I'm actually doing pictures for in January. Beach, city, or mountains? M O U N T A I N S. DAMMIT they're so beautiful. You get a call at 2:00 a.m. - your first thought is: My instinctive answer to this question is, "is something wrong with Sara?" I live with my mom and sister, so it wouldn't be them, and it's not like Ashley calls me if there's trouble, she'd call Mom. Dad would call Ashley. She's pretty much the only thing that would come to mind if someone called me at 2:00 A.M. Future names of your children: I'm not having kids, but I'd absolutely name my daughter Alessandra and my son probably Luther, Vincent, or Victor. How much does your mother know about your sex life (or lack thereof)? She's aware I'm a virgin but have "done things." Are any of your siblings married? What are their spouses’ names? Nick and very recently Joshua. I don't know if one's married or anything whatsoever, two are in relationships, idk about my brother. Do you think age matters in relationships? In romantic relationships, yes. What brand of face wash do you use? Biore. What’s the last letter of your last name? S Did your parents give you an allowance as a kid? No, we couldn't afford to do that. Would you ever consider moving to another country for your career? No, and that's the reason I'm not pursuing being a meerkat biologist. Do you have any lingerie? Lol no, no one wants to see me in that. What was the shortest amount of time you knew someone before dating them? A few weeks. Maybe a little less than a month. What is your favorite app on your phone? Fuckin' thanks Sara, DragonVale. I love Pinterest more when I actually go on it, but I don't use it a lot. Which of your pets were you closest to in your lifetime? The dog I have now, Teddy. Who are you most proud of? Myself. I don't mean that in an arrogant way, but seriously. I don't over-exaggerate what I've been through, but I don't make it sound lesser than what it was, either. I know I should be proud. When you’re eating pizza do you add anything like crushed peppers, parmesan cheese or hot sauce to it? No. Jason got me into adding hot sauce to jalapeno pizza (we wanted death, I know), but I don't do it now. Loved it, but I think it being slightly less hot was more enjoyable. When was the last time that you plucked your eyebrows? I've never plucked them; I used to get them waxed, but no longer do. Don't see the point- they're just going to grow back, and quickly, and I'm not wasting money on that maintenance. It's not like normal eyebrows are hideous anyway. Do you ever argue or debate with people about your beliefs? I will avoid this at all costs. I hate it. When’s the last time you had Sunny D? Holy moly, I couldn't tell you. But it used to sometimes give me heartburn, so I could only fucking imagine drinking it now if I hadn't taken my heartburn medication. Would you turn a family member in if you see them commit murder? Duh. Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? A total stranger, honestly, no. I don't know anything about that person. Could be a piece of shit. Have you ever embarrassed someone intentionally in public? I don't remember ever doing so, and I never could now. As someone with AvPD, I know how fucking awful embarrassment can be. Plus it's just rude to try to make someone uncomfortable like that. Are you more likely to believe a man or woman? I'm perfectly aware this is wrong, but a woman. I'm afraid of and don't trust men. Are you satisfied with the picture on your ID card? Hell no. Thank God I look like a totally different person now. What fruit did you last eat? Hmmm, maybe strawberries? What font do you use most? I prefer Garamond for basic things. Are you allergic to anything? Pollen, big time, and silver. Where is your dad from? Ohio. ... Or maybe he was born in Michigan but grew up in Ohio. Idk. Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into? Ashley's co-worker's. What was the first thing you learned how to cook? Scrambled eggs. And it's still the only thing I know how to cook lmao. What are some wild animals commonly found where you live? Squirrels and birds are the only things you commonly see. But you'll see a deer sometimes, too, and more rarely a rabbit. I think I've seen a fox once in my entire life. Oh yeah, you'll see possums and raccoons sometimes at night. Does it take a lot to make you cry? Noooope. Well, yes to physical pain. What’s the longest hospital stay you’ve had? For what? Uhhh I think I was there for two weeks. Mental stuff. Do you know any same-sex married couples? Hm... I actually don't think I personally do. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex? There was a point where we dated, Jason was like my only real life friend lol, so he was. Now I call my girlfriend my best friend, but if you don't include s/os, then my current one would be a guy. Skim, 1%, 2% or whole milk? Eh, probably 2%. Was the last person you kissed physically attractive? Personally, I wasn't physically attracted to him. But he's definitely not an ugly guy or anything. Do you prefer to say “haha” or “lol?” I'd say I use them just about the same amount... maybe "lol" more? How many stories does your house have? One. Were you dreams very vivid as a child? Yes. Do you eat meat? If you do, what is your justification for it? Yes. One, the human diet is meant to contain meat. It's much easier for our bodies to receive the nutrients it needs with meat. Two, it's part of population control. Yes, I know, you could argue the exact same for humans, but it's not like a sane person's gonna start eating humans. Three, it's just the food chain. Humans are on top of it. The process of killing an animal for food seems horrible and cruel, I know, and I doubt I personally could do it unless it was a survival situation, but I don't see it as morally wrong. Do you think that time travel is a possibility? I don't think it's possible, really. And if it ever happened, you can bet we'd fuck shit up. Do you enjoy night or day better? I've actually gotten to where I enjoy day. I strangely have a much higher chance of experiencing anxiety at night, which has kinda turned me away from it. Plus I have more energy and am generally in a better mood over all in the early day. Have you ever been to a protest? No. But the more and more passionate I get about gay rights, I'd absolutely partake in a *peaceful* protest regarding that subject now if one was nearby. Worst decision you ever made? Let a heavily flawed person essentially become God to me. Do you like to hang out with friends one-on-one or in groups? Eh, depends on the mood of those who would be involved, including myself. Bambi or Nemo? Nemo. I've actually never seen Bambi, but I love Nemo. Lil cutie. Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Don and Aaron, yeah. Well wait, Juan too, but I barely even consider him an ex. Has your partner ever accused you of cheating, when you actually didn’t? No. If your hair is long, would you ever think about having it cut short? Or, if it’s short, would you like to grow it long? I have a short portion on the left and then the rest is shoulder-length. After seeing myself with a bit of short hair, I'm thinking of getting a purely short haircut eventually. Built my confidence up when Mom said she thought I'd probably look nice with a short hairstyle after seeing my new haircut. It'd be something different. What area of science interests you the most? Genetics. Have you ever been in an inflatable bouncy house? Yeah. Do you think there will be a WWIII? Yes, eventually. I don't think humanity's going anywhere too soon, and there's too many militant people. What are things you’re exceptionally good at? Uh. Going into full-blown panic mode over stupid shit?? That's my specialty. Do you have any good book ideas? I think a ton of the stories within my friend group's RP would make amazing novels, but I highly doubt any of us will ever actually make books about it. In all honesty, can a person be too nice? Mixed feelings. I just don't think some people deserve being nice to, but a part of me says you should treat everyone with kindness regardless, all the while not letting people get away with shit. Is mental abuse really as bad as physical abuse? Fuck yes it can be. Some people will take one worse than the other, but both are fucking awful. Both can ruin someone's life. Zelda Twilight Princess or Ocarina of Time? I have zero interest in Zelda. Do you own a rosary? I'm sure I have one somewhere. I was raised Roman Catholic, and essentially every Catholic has one. What's the hardest game you've ever played? Fucking Dark Souls. I gave it a good effort, but did nooot get that far. The difficulty honestly drained all the fun out of it. The hardest game I've ever beaten, uhhh... omg. Maybe it was just my age/when I played it, but "The Legend of Spyro: The Eternal Night" was so. Fucking. Hard. It literally took me a year or so playing it on-and-off to beat it. Fantastic game, but my god it was hard. "Parasite Eve" was also pretty damn hard (mostly thanks to the last boss, jc), but I definitely beat it faster. Would you ever try Fear Factor for one million dollars? Why or why not? No, wouldn't see the point in wasting the time. I KNOW I would never get past the second day where you eat some crazy shit. Nope. Couldn't do most things they do due to me being a germaphobe, either. If you have a camera, when do you use flash? I never do because I hate the lighting personally, plus the red eyes are just no. I'd need to learn more about properly using it. What do you call your grandparents? Grammy and Grandpa. What color do you usually paint your nails? I don't paint my nails. Do you look better with red lipstick or black lipstick? I personally think black. It fits me better. How many times have you actually been in love? Once. I'm not to that point in my current relationship, but I most certainly love her. There's a difference. How many pills do you take a day? Five. Have you ever been around someone who was high? Yeah. Do you want a church wedding? Definitely not, that's way too traditional for my taste. Have you ever met any celebrities? Lol you don't meet celebrities among my interests in NC. One day. Have you ever tried archery? No, but I was interested in it once. Favorite foreign food? Hm. I'm not sure. Were your ancestors royalty? I only know of Queen Victoria. Does your house have air conditioning throughout, or do you have one that sits in your window? Throughout. Would you ever move to Canada? Sure. I mean it wouldn't be my first pick for sure, but there's beautiful landscapes, and it at least seems to have way less drama than here. What about Kansas? Tornado Alley? Fuck that shit. When you go swimming, do you put your hair up or down? I keep it down. What do you think is the coolest piercing on someone else? Ohhh. This really depends on the person. Coolest... probably collarbone dermals. If mine were actually prominent and dermals didn't make me nervous, I'd probably have them. They're beautiful, but seem super painful. And risky. Are you attracted to girls? I've pretty quickly realized I'm more attracted to them than men both physically and emotionally. Growing up what were your favorite cartoon characters? I loved both Pikachu and Ash. Do you know anyone in a wheelchair? I don't believe so. If heaven or hell didn’t exist and wasn’t a reward would you still make an effort in being a good person? Duh. Do you want your kids to go to church, synagogue, temple, mosque? Why? If I had kids, I wouldn't force them to go. I don't even go. Do you think starting a gofundme is begging or helpful? It can be either depending on the reason and person's honest intentions. Could you put your dreams on hold to support your bf/gf pursuing theirs? On hold? Yes. How long should sex last? It depends on the couple and how they're feeling. But once one person wants to stop, you stop. Five year plan? Go! Move out and have a stable job. Those are the main two things. Other things will fall into place. Can you be content if you are physically uncomfortable? I couldn't be. Do you have pictures of your friends, and family in your bedroom? No. How old were you when you went on your first date? That was like 7th grade, don't know age. Me, Aaron, and I think two other friends went to a roller rink. It was enough of a date for middle schoolers lol. Have you ever had surgery, if so for what? Tubes put in ears when I was 2, pilonidal cyst surgery July this year. Have you ever seen a shark, and if so, were you scared? Never in the wild, just in aquariums. They never scared me. Such majestic creatures. Now if I saw one in the ocean, yeah, I'd be scared. Have you ever gone fishing, or is that totally yucky? Fishing with Dad may just hold my all-time favorite childhood memories. One of my most cherished memories is this time Dad, Nicole, and I woke up really early to go out on the boat at the nearby river to fish 'til around noon, when activity slows down. So peaceful and beautiful out there, I'd love to fish there again with him. I remember it so clearly that I can recall I packed those tiny 3 Musketeers chocolates and Nicole brought Snickers, lol. Didn't have breakfast since we left so early. Man... so many good memories related to fishing. Do you enjoy museums, or think they are totally boring? I. LOVE. Museums. Do you think illegally downloading things is wrong? My conscience says yes. You're stealing. Yet I still download music. Oops. Have you and your friend ever liked the same guy/girl? Not that I know of. Do you tell your best friend everything? I tell Sara just about every little thing. Ever taken any lessons for anything? Guitar lessons, yeah. Do you call it pop, soda, or fizzy drink? Soda. Do you like french fries, cheese and gravy mixed together? Uh, that sounds horrid, even without the fact I hate gravy. Do you live in a house, apartment, or what? House. How hot does the temperature get in the summer where you live? Mid-high 90s, low 100s. Sometimes high 80s. When was the last time you had a headache? What about stomachache? Headache, a couple days ago or so. I get them a lot. Stomachache, not since I got sick two or so months back. Where is your second home? Uh. I guess my dad's? Honestly, could you live without your computer? Honestly, after being exposed to one for so long, I couldn't live happily, no. Not unless I just adjusted to not having one after a very, very long time, but I don't even know if that would happen. What is more annoying, people who take forever to reply to texts or when they only say ‘K’? I stg do not reply to me with just "k." Is family the most important thing in your life? If not, what is? My definition of family is different than the traditional. Just like friends, for me, you pick "real" family. Say I'm related to an absolute asshole; by actual definition, they'd be family, but to me, nope. I can put other people above "actual" family, so to answer the question, not necessarily. After taking a shower, do you change in the bathroom or the bedroom? Bathroom. Are you completely over your last relationship? There was nothing to get over. I never got to where I loved him and doubt I ever could. It was just awkward. Last 3 movies you watched? "Monster House," "Corpse Bride," and uhhh... pretty sure "Coraline." Do you get stage fright? Well, when I used to dance, it wasn't that bad since I was with others. Now, I'm not so sure how I'd be. When was the last time you read a whole book, to the last page exactly? February. Did you ever actually have a rubber duck? Pretty sure yes. Do you love your computer? MY laptop, yes. The one I currently have to use, ew. Is there an outdoor movie theater where you live? No. Have you ever seen your mom or dad drunk? Both. Mom claimed she wasn't, but I think she was. Do your parents vote? Mom does, idk about Dad. What’s your favorite thing to eat during a movie? Popcorn. Do you like cherry Pepsi? I like cherry Coke. Would you rather live without your Facebook or Tumblr? Facebook. What Lisa Frank character is your favorite? Ohhh, the angelic cat. If you inherited a large sum of money what is the first thing you’d buy? A train ticket. What did you do with your baby teeth when they fell out? Mom kept them. What is the last thing you took a photograph of? My snake. <3 Do you have a bookshelf? If so, just one or how many? It's technically a bookshelf I think, but we store our DVDs there. If you answered yes to the above, are your books ordered in a special way? The DVDs are in alphabetical order. If dinosaurs could be tamed, would you want one as a pet? If they were guaranteed to not attack their owners/be docile and I could care for it appropriately, sure, I'd keep a smaller raptor. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? It's not consistent. If you could choose only one thing from Walmart, what would it be? Hot fries or Takis, depending on my mood. Would you rather get highlights or dye your whole head? Dye everything.

#survey #quiz #questions

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twistednuns · 5 years

Text

June 2019

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.”

A (very) sunny day in London. Seeing a seal in the Thames, right under the Tower Bridge. Walking through St. James’s Park, eating ice-cream. Taking a beautiful picture of Laura in Covent Garden. Finally getting out of the underground. A tiny rainbow reflection in the sky over Greenwich.

Playing badminton in the evening with Frank. Sitting by the river, making new friends (duckies).

Micha. Meeting in Thalkirchen after I had just seen a half dead mouse. Walking along the river, finding a nice spot across from the zoo with a bunch of musical hippies playing the drums on the other bank. We got drunk on Toro Loco and Grasovka in ice hockey cups until he kissed me in the middle of a sentence. It took quite a while until I noticed I was just kissing my first man with a tongue piercing. At some point I re-erected a knocked over portable toilet (does drunk me have superhuman powers?) and we walked to the subway together. Such a gentle weirdo.

Making breakfast for someone other than me. Sharing an apple. Eating out of the same bowl.

IKEA has veggie hot dogs now. Excellent. I also got a new cutting board. And that’s ALL I got. I’m virtually patting myself on the shoulder right now.

Christoph and Lauren’s wedding was pretty chill. We squeezed into a car, went up a very steep hill to attend the ceremony and spent the rest of the day around a camp fire drinking gin and tonics or dancing to very bad music. I loved getting to know Michael’s boyfriend of 4 years. I always received gay vibes from him… good to know that my gaydar isn’t broken.

Taking polaroid pictures in the beautiful afternoon light. I also loved Christian’s outtakes of the theme music quiz. One of them honestly looks as if I’d just won a beauty pageant - we have a host, two ladies with jealous side glances and me, all excited, open mouth, in front of the mic, waiting for her tiara…

Spending a few hours in my mum’s garden. Doing dangerous yoga exercises in the grass. Walking barefoot. Marveling at the lush roses everywhere. Watching a blackbird taking a bath under the cherry tree. Very entertaining.

I want to learn Spanish and this video gives me hope - apparently I can heavily rely on my French vocabulary.

Why the men I like usually look the same.

Hanging out with Martina, Tobi and Diego the dog at the Thalkirchen campsite. Watching the rafts go by (horrible music), driving them home with their car right before the apocalyptic thunderstorm.

The perfect dessert: berries or peaches with fresh cream. The perfect dinner: Truffle pasta.

The concept of eclecticism.

Spending the afternoon with Franzi at Maria Einsiedel. Meeting baby Elise for the first time. Hopping into the Eiskanal, turning my body into a freezer for five minutes. Eating tiny lemon ice-cream and galia melon.

Meeting Catrin and Andreas at Brillengalerie in Altheim. Really good cappuccino (he’s an optician AND a latte artist). I loved trying on those gorgeous glasses and talking to Catrin about the Latte Art championships and rude customers.

Our trip to the Bavarian Forest to make a cake tree for the wedding. We visited Lena’s uncle who turned a tree trunk into a three-tiered cake stand with his chainsaw. We helped. I really want to get a chainsaw license now.

Once again: roses. They are incredibly lush this year. I don’t know why exactly but climate change seems to have one tiny upside.

Drawing. Portrait practice. Filling my sketchbook from idee. Polychromos coloured pencils.

Using Instagram’s story feature for the first time. I love editing pictures and adding gifs and colours. Immature and tacky but fun.

Looking trough old analogue pictures. Finding lots of my dad looking like the perfect Millennial. 90s fashion really IS back. I still loathe fanny packs though.

I found someone who’s coming to India with me!! I’m going to travel with Bibi this summer. So excited!

Unfortunately: the Solitaire app on my phone. Unhealthy obsession. You know you’ve got a problem when you’re getting REALLY good…

The smell of dill pickles reminds evokes vivid memories of my grandma. She used to make them herself, in heavy stoneware next to the wash room in the cellar.

Spending the evening with Bibi at Kulturdachgarten (having Ginger Spritz as a sundowner in the late afternoon sun), eating Israeli mezze at NANA in Haidhausen and seeing Rocketman at Rio cinema. My colleague works there so we got discount tickets and free ice-cream. Taron Egerton is a fabulous actor. If I had to describe the film in one word it’d be flamboyant. Also, I’d have loved to be the costume designer for this.

Iglo veggie love frozen meals. With Hela curry ketchup. Nom.

Extremely cute new rockery plants (who will have to do with regular potting soil I’m afraid).

Meeting Andre at Thalkirchen. Spending the evening on an Isar gravel bank, drinking the beer Martina brought from Croatia. Joining the… eh, what’s the Mile High Club for people who prefer water to air travel? Catching the last train home. Taking dinky photobooth pictures because we still had ten minutes to spare. That fake photo strip makes me happy instantly whenever I look at it.

Getting better at asking for what I want.

The character Moe in the Netflix series Trinkets. To me, she’s so much more attractive than Tabitha. And I love her attitude. And her hookup in episode seven. What a pretty man.

Manu making me realise how much I look like my dad. “At least jawwise!”

Spending the evening with Tom. Pre-theatre Spritz, Melancholia at Kammerspiele, Isar-beer near Müllersches Volksbad. Talking about our insights and issues.

It’s fascinating to see the lupin in front of my balcony door open it’s blossoms gradually from bottom to top. This plant has such an interesting structure and geometry.

Salad season. Somehow I only like salads in the summer but then I eat them passionately. With strawberries, Black Forest tofu, peaches, blueberries, mangoes, olives. Those nice, firm Roma tomatoes you only get during the summer months. I made a huge bowl of Tabouleh the other day and had it for breakfast, lunch an dinner.

Going home in the morning, smelling of another person.

Booking flights to India. 5 weeks. I’ve never been gone for so long and then I chose India of all places… I feel a mild panic attack coming but I’m also super excited.

Artificial cherry flavour.

A day trip with Lexi. She brought crisps and a fun Mexican dice game which we played on the train. Spending the whole afternoon soaking in the warm water at Therme Bad Aibling. Discovering the amazing acoustics in the various domes. Making a new duckie friend. Weird mirror selfies with hairdryers. Dinner at a Bavarian restaurant in Rosenheim. Teaching le Sash some obscure Bavarian words.

The word obscure, come to think of it. Uncanny is a close second.

Jupiter being so bright in the night sky. I always notice it first as soon as it’s dark.

Librarians are secretly the funnest people alive.

So many things, really. I’m feeling quite happy at the moment. My only problem is that I keep gaining weight. Somehow enjoying myself is adverse to the strict regime I need in order to stay perfectly healthy.

Random things: Schweppes Fruity citrus and orange lemonade. Tomato sandwiches with fresh basil on olive ciabatta. That squirrel running over the garage roof in the morning. Dreaming of ferry rides through US rivers. And intercourse with a panther. The Garner Ambre Soleil natural bronzer spray with coconut oil. Nice colour, good smell, minimal chipmunk effect. And of course me regular Garnier sun oil. It’s the bottled essence of summer.

Filling in for someone in the Natural 20s pub quiz team. Being invited to a pen and paper round with feline characters only. Meeting Sophia who, I realised later, played Rosencrantz (or Guildenstern?) at Entity Theatre’s production of Hamlet last year.

My complete and utter obsession with Phil Collins’ version of You Can’t Hurry Love. I think it’s going to be my next karaoke song.

A desire and drive to be creative. Making collages out of dried leftover paint. Drawing on the window panes. Getting out gouache, pastel chalks, oil pastels, those weird 3-in-1 coloured pencils which create such a nice texture. Drawing first thing in the morning. Spending hours drawing owls for the coffee roasters. Using coloured pencils to draw portraits of all the cool girls of Instagram.

Oh, speaking of art. I don’t want to jinx it but I might get the chance to write a book soon! I met an editor who works at a publishing house for lifestyle books and needs someone to make a book about portrait drawing/painting for her. So. Excited. They’re also looking for a trainee in the graphic design department. I really hope I get to collaborate with them in one way or another.

Cute summer outfits. Good colour combinations. Accessorizing. Wearing pretty clothes with a creative twist. Actually putting some thought into putting together an outfit can be a lot of fun. After all it’s just another way of making a collage.

Polarized sunglasses providing me with the bluest skies and rainbow-tinted tram windows.

The Croatian man who sat down next to a visibly pregnant Bavarian woman on the subway and started telling her about his daughter Persephone and the abduction myth connected with her. I keep reading and hearing about Demeter and Persephone lately, for example about Baubo and the vulva presentations / Demeter worship.

Carmen Rohrbach’s Unterwegs sein ist mein Leben. I was very impressed by how much she has seen and experienced. How much she knows about nature and animals. I mean, she’s a biologist, too. Reading this book made my days a little more special because it gave me a sense of how much more there is to discover on this planet.

Eating vegan ice-cream (pumpkin seed and ginger-turmeric) with Micha. Sitting on the balustrade in front of the Art Academy. Staring into these insanely pretty blue eyes all the time. Looking for the toilets, roaming through the hallways. I love the architecture of that building.

A ladybug escaping the subway train through an open door. Freedom!

I love how the characters resemble each other so much in the different generations in the TV-series Dark. Uncanny. And they feature very nice colour contrasts, too. I guess I like their production designer / cinematographer.

Late-night Isar strolls. Drinking red wine, lying down, watching the stars surrounded by fireflies! (which are quite rare where I live so I was lucky - the strangest thing is that I had drawn a firefly into my sketchbook earlier that day, feels like I manifested it)

Tollwood gin and tonics, forgetting to go home, ending up in a gay club at 3am. Nice Thursday.

Making up for the lack of sleep on Friday afternoon. Waking up late. Releasing my inner Julia Child at 2am by making sushi rolls, taboulé and Bergsteigerbrot, something like super tasty vegan granola bars with lots of nuts and honey.

A little bike tour with Frank along the river. Pseudo-meditating on a log, eating some snacks I brought. Floating with the current. His alliterations (“further fodder for future followers”).

#personal #present perfect #things i love #june #2019 #june 2019

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matthewxdavidson · 5 years

Text

May I Have This Dance?

Tagging: Matthew Davidson & Mercedes Jones

When: May 18, 2019

Where: Castle Isla in Linlithgow, Scotland

Notes: They share a dance and spend quiet time together in private during Alex and Chloe’s wedding reception.

Matt

Matt been away from everyone for some days, finding solace or something close to it at the cabin he rented with Steve some time back. Now, amongst people again in a place he didn’t expect to see, Matt drank wine and ate food off a plate while he chatted with random people. He didn’t know everyone here but he’d been laughing and having a good time, which attracted people to him. For the most part he seemed like his old self, but there were moments; especially when words were shared about Ellie’s passing, that made it tough. But now he wanted to do his best and enjoy life. And that second glass of wine he just finished definitely help. “Well goddam.” He said as he went up to Mercedes, grinning handsomely. “Hard to keep my eyes off you with a dress like that. You look fucking fantastic.”

Mercy

Being away from Lima, was just what she needed. Scotland was beautiful and she was enjoying everything about this trip. Faith looked like a little Princess and Chloe and Alex looked like they belonged together. The wedding was amazing. beautiful and perfect and now at the reception, Mercedes was just enjoying being among her family and friends. She had just finished dancing with Jackson when she walked over to grab a glass of wine. Hearing someone speak to her she smiled softly seeing Matt. She hadn't spoken to him since he left her hospital room, so she didn't know how he was doing. He seemed okay. His comment made her shake her head. "Compared to the bride I look like a hag."

Matt

“Nope. You don’t. That lady over there.” He said as he leaned in close, almost as if they were conspiring something. “The one with that feather in her hair. I mean. Come on. She has evil stepmother written all over her. That’s more of the hag. I think you look hot. Could also be because I can’t stop thinking about things.” He leaned away and returned his attention to his wine. “How you doing since I last saw you? I saw Jackson’s back to cutting a rug or whatever it is kids do these days.”

Mercy

When he leaned into her she bust out laughing, shaking her head at his comment. "Oh God stop! She has a resting evil face for sure but still be nice." she said. "What can't you stop thinking about?" She asked watching him retreat from her. Placing her hair behind her ears she shrugged. "Nothing much, Jack moved in for a few days so I could help him out. Living with him and three dogs, very intersted I won't lie." she said with a sigh. "And yeah hes a good dancer it was fun. How are you doing?"

Matt

“Come on. Really? You must have some idea when it comes to the way my always in the gutter to the point I might as well live with the Ninja Turtles mind works, Mercedes.” Matt pulled something off a passing platter, not sure what it is, and ate it. “How was it like having a full house and playing husband and wife those days?” He sipped and went for another bite. “Eh. Feels good to be around people again. I thought I was going to turn into Tom Hanks in Castaway if I stayed in that cabin an extra day.”

Mercy

Mercedes shook her head. "So which one of your loves were you fantasizing about since your mind was in the gutter?" She asked. She feared that once he got over Ellie's passing he would go back to sleeping with everything that smiled at him. "It was interesting. I mean I love his dogs. They are so much fun and he really is stubborn but he also let go a little. I dunno still figuring things out." She glanced at him and his outfit. "Well I mean at least you came here very presentable. I am loving the kilt, it suits you."

Matt

Matt eyed her and shook his head slowly before adding, “Guess that’s something I’ll keep to myself.” He thought it was obvious but he knew better than getting right into it in the middle of the reception. “That’s saying something right there. Maybe there’s hope for you and him once you tie the knot.” Matt wanted to sound optimistic but it came out tired instead, thinking about how El told him all of these arrangements are a joke. “Figured when in Scotland. Got a whole new appreciation for women wearing dresses. You feel pretty good in them. But I have to be careful with bending over. I’m pretty sure people want to take a peek.”

Mercy

Mercedes raised an eyebrow. "Soo you do have your eyes on someone?" She didn't mean to sound jealous or upset, she knew his feelings were far gone but she couldn't help herself. Downing her wine she shrugged. "Who knows right?" She wanted to sound optimistic, but the unknown of everything it hurt her soul. She bent down looking at his legs. "I mean give the world a show, everyone would appreciative of it." A slow song came on and she held out her hand. "Come dance with me, show off those legs."

Matt

“Jesus Christ, woman. I was talking about you.” He said as he moved closer to her. “I know you keep speaking to me about my feelings and how I feel about you and how I felt that Ellie was the love of my life. I’m not even sure why you so this. If it’s some means to protect yourself after what happened earlier this year. And I’m going to say this again, I loved her. I’m not denying that. But I wasn’t in love with her. But...” he looked at Jackson and sighed as he eventually looked back at her, “I’m not good enough. Not compared to him and I know he can give you something I’m not able to.” After they spoke he laughed. “Do you still want to dance with me after all of that?”

Mercy

Her hand dropped as he spoke, she didn't want to hear this, not from him. She shook her head walking away from him. "Stop." She said looking at him. "Just." Why was he doing this? "No, nope." She said shaking her head and walked out the reception hall needing to get away from the happy and dancing, needing to breathe. But the place was so big she could easily get lost. He loved Ellie and not her, that was what she told herself to deal, that is what helped her try and let go and this, no she couldn't let it get to her and yet it did. Matt did. He always did.

Matt

Matt, who thoughts she might say something or tell him that he was wrong watched as she hauled ass away. “Fucking hell. Guess she does want that dance now.” He was tipsy and feeling....he wasn’t sure what he was feeling. But he knew he needed to catch up to her somehow because this was just how things went when it came to their relationship. Matt set the glass down next to hers and went in the same direction. He didn’t know where he was exactly but the music wasn’t as loud and he had to act a bloodhound pretty much with trying to pick up the perfume she usually wore. He figured she might have gone up or down some stairs but found her on the other side of the castle where there weren’t too many people around. “Come on, Merce.” He said slowly as he approached her. “Nothing I said then is new information. And it’s not like we can do anything about it. We have the next five years of our lives mapped out by the HC.”

Mercy

It was easier, not having someone in love with her, not having someone share her feelings it was easier to be focused on Jackson. Yes when he told her he moved on she was devastated but it was easier and now, now she felt like second best. Ellie isn't here so lets go back to Mercedes. When Matt found her she turned to him, she may have had tears in her eyes but she was more angry than anything. "Nothing is new? Its the same cycle Matt. You tell me you love me you want to be with me. I asked you to marry me and you, you told me no. Then we get together but then we stop being together. Then you tell me that you and Ellie want to be together that you love her and want her. and I let go. I let go of the thought of me and you. And then, then you sit there and say you guys weren't together but I saw you!" She wiped her eyes, thankful for her water proof mascara. "Now that she's not here you want to say you love me? I wasn't good enough for you then and I am not now. How am I supposed to believe you actually want me? And you just aren't mourning?"

Matt

This is the scene he wanted to avoid and if it wasn’t for the music then people definitely would have heard it. “I never said no to your proposal because I don’t love you. You keep bringing that up but it’s because we are tied to these damn arrangements. When I got with Ellie it was....” No. she was only gone for two weeks and he didn’t want yo say what had been on his mind every since it happened. “It was because I thought I was doing she right thing. I thought there must be something about Jackson that he can give you that stability and not be all kinds of fucked in the head that I am.” He didn’t move closer to her but he did keep his eyes locked with hers. “Even before El died. Long before she died. I told you this. I’ve told you all of this but you keep acting like I’ve never said a word about it.”

Mercy

She didn't say anything, she tuned him out on purpose when he said he loved her before because it was hard to trust he wouldn't hurt her again. Excuses, lies and pain, that is what was associated with Matt and love and yet, she still loved him. Still thought about him and a part of her wanted to move over to him and kiss him, hold him and beg him to stay with her, but she couldn't because that would just complicate things, that would confuse things and she didn't want to hurt him or herself. "Matt." was all she could say. She couldn't really say anything else because the next words out her mouth threatened to be how much she missed him and loved him.

Matt

“I know things with us are fucked up because of everything that’s happened. That I do things without thinking through and maybe we couldn’t avoid the complications because of where we live and who our families are. Which sucks. I wish I could have said yes to your proposal and left this place to never see our family and friends again. Because you know they would have fined us so hard and thrown us in jail as an example.” He did get near her now and lowered his hand to take hers. “But we should see this as our chance to just be completely open with each other. You know all of my fears and worries. You know how I thought about killing myself or my plan to kill that worthless piece of shit that comes out of prison in September. You now know that with everything that’s happened you’re not just my first love but the love of my life. And you know that with all of this I will always want you here with me. If not as my love but as my best friend. Because you are.”

Mercy

She shook her head as he moved closer to her, he took her hand and she looked down to the ground. He was right he was honest with her and she had to be honest with him. "I think i have always known I loved you, but I saw you with all those people how you slept with them and I turned it off, protected my heart. So I just....just believed we were only friends and what I felt for you was friendship. Then the night of the Carnival when we made love, it was the happiest I have ever felt. Because finally I wasn't able to deny it." She wiped her eyes. "So I asked you to marry me and you said no and I felt like you just said things to make me want you. And so I let it go, let go of wanting you and it was fine until you made me love you harder than I ever thought possible. So when you hurt me again I locked those feelings away again. Because I don't ever want to feel that pain again. I can't feel that pain again. I wanted to die Matt. I left Ohio because I wanted to die, and I invited Jackson because he wouldn't ask questions and I couldn't kill myself."

Matt

His hands went up the sides of her body and he cupped her cheeks. This was the first he’s heard of her wanting to die. Not as an expression but to actually die. Matt looked into her soft brown eyes and leaned in but he didn’t kiss her. Instead his arms went around her body and Matt held her against his. “I’m going to ask you this,” he said, his voice strained but in need to get this question out. “Do you want me to leave you alone? I’ll transfer to another station in one of those cities right outside of Lima and get a place there. I’ll figure things out.”

Mercy

The truth was out and she couldn't take it back, it was her shame that she didn't want anyone to know. His hands went up her body and she shivered at the feel, remembering how things were between them. His strong arms wrapped around her body and he held her. But she didn't know how to answer his question. Didn't know if he should leave or stay. She pulled back to look up to him. "Lima is your home Matt." was all she could say.

Matt

He shook his head, arms still around her. “It’s your home, too. And it’s easier for me to uproot and move.” His lips pinched a moment and soon he looked down. If times were different he would have started to kiss at all of her skin. “I think I must be the worst thing to have happened to you.” To know he caused her that much grief...how could he not be?

Mercy

Mercedes closed her eyes, tears falling. "You aren't the worst thing to happen to me Matt. Things were just... when you love someone and they hurt you like that it makes you crazy I guess. But at the end of the day, you are my best friend. And that is important to me. You are important to me."

Matt

In the middle of her words Matt brought his forehead to hers and pressed them together. He didn't speak immediatly. Only stood there and felt their breathing eventually sync after some time. "That day at the grocery store. When I had that panic attack. There was a lot going on with me around that time. A fuckton, really. But a giant part of me falling apart is because all my choices kept hurting you. I've always wanted for you and me to have something like what Alex and Chlo got but- but I ruined that for us. And now I know that anything that happens now will be seen with apprehension and distrust. And that's not what makes for a healthy relationship. And I can apologize until I'm blue in the face and mean it every single time but it doesn't erase what's been done." He stopped speaking pulled just enough to look at her. "But you are the most important person in my life, Mercedes Jones."

Mercy

Looking in his eyes she knew he was being truthful, but that didn't take away from the fact that she was still hurting and that she was scared. What would admitting her feelings do? She was about to marry Jackson and Matt was supposed to marry Bri. They were supposed to both marry at the same time, divorce and then be together but that seemed so far away from where they were now. "I will always love you Matt, nothing will ever change that." Her eyes stared up to his and she leaned him kissing him softly. "Best friends forever."

Matt

As soon as he felt her feather soft lips against his own Matt returned the kiss and held her closer to him as he brought his hand up and laid it against her neck, knowing not to touch her hair because it looked as if she put a lot of work into it. Matt brought her cheek to rest against his chest and he kissed the side of her head a few times. "Most best friends give each other bracelets or those necklaces. Instead I gave you heartache and torment..." He tried to laugh but it was hard. "Do you still want that dance?"

Mercy

Mercedes sighed, "You make my life enjoyable thats worth something." she said sighing. She nodded. "Yes I would, but can we dance here I kinda like it being just you and me right now." she said holding out her hand to him.

Matt

At sight of her hand he took it and brought it to his lips, taking that moment to kiss the delicate skin of her wrist. "Admit it," he said as he moved himself into a better position for them to dance to a slow song he barley recognized, some 90s R&B song he hadn't heard in years. "you're too embarrassed by my dance moves. That's why you want to keep me hidden."

Mercy

He kissed her hand and she shuttered at the action. They started dancing and she shook her head. "No that is the other reason I don't want to share you. The main reason is because I am afraid your skirt is gonna fly up and everyone is gonna see all your bits and pieces." she teased, but truthfully she needed a moment with just him where they could be lost in each other.

Matt

"What makes you think I'm not wearing any underwear?" He moved her around the small area, humming along to the slow jam and enjoying how it was only them. There were other stressors, and maybe there'll always be, but for these next however many minutes they had together, it was just them and the song and their playful banter.

Mercy

She shook her head. "If you are then I am shocked." she said with a smirk. As the music played, her heart raced. Her feelings that she kept bottled up it just started to bubble over and if she was smart she would leave. But she didn't know how much time they had, didn't know when the next time they would be together was and she wanted to enjoy it. She lifted her head up to his face and leaned into him. "You have gotten better at dancing."

Matt

Matt laughed. It was an honest and much needed one and he shook his head. "You know, I guess I must have done a great job when it comes to making people expect the unexpected with me. But nah, I was good and wore actual underwear. There was a part of me that didn't want to but that was only to moon Blaine later. Since I'm clearly an adult." He grinned and stepped back to spin her but instead of spinning her completely he brought Mercedes' back to his chest and Matt held her there. "Have I? Guess I have and didn't notice."

Mercy

Mercedes sighed in his arms. "Well what is life without some fun Matt times?" She asked. She laid her head on his chest and sighed. "Full disclosure, I am surprised you aren't wearing just the Kilt and nothing else." She sighed heavily, a part of her wanting to reach up and kiss him, but the other part knowing it wasn't right.

Matt

"Now, you know if I were to do that there'd be an absolute sex riot and as wild as Chloe seems to me, I don't think she wants one of those at their wedding." Matt's mouth ghosted along the crook of her neck and he moved them to the music but it wasn't as much as before as he was distracted now. "But you're more than welcome to think of me in only in kilt whenever you fantasize about me again."(edited)

Mercy

Mercedes laughed. "Yeah Chlo is small but fierce and she might hurt you if you up stage her." His lips ghosted her neck and she swallowed hard, closing her eyes. "Mmmm I might." she said moving against him even slower, holding him closer.

Matt

Here was that territory they could easily slip into. Both knew they were arranged to people they cared for but to be actually married to? Then there was everything that happened with Ellie and all of his and Mercedes' history and how he'd fucked with her head and heart too much. Matt's hand held hers tighter and he pressed his lips to her skin but didn't actually kiss it. This was hard. Fucking hard. "When do you head back home?" lips moved against her neck before he peeled away from it.

Mercy

Without even realizing it her head moved tot he side, allowing him better access to her neck, she sighed at his question. "Monday. When do you head back?" She asked lightly.

Matt

"Monday." he answered as his chin settled on her shoulder. The song changed, to a fast paced one, but he didn't move from her or keep from the sway which didn't at all go with this current song. "I didn't take a private jet or anything. Came in coach." Matt didn't have as much money as everyone else he knows and he heard that that he'll be getting money from Ellie's estate but that wasn't anything he intended to keep. "Want to get lunch of dinner with me tomorrow? Go explore some of this place?"

Mercy

Mercedes nodded. "If you want a better ride home, you can always come with us." She said still rocking with him. "We can, just depends on what time, I wanted to check on Mac, this has got to be hard on him."(edited)

Matt

“Not sure time wise. Guess we’ll see just how bad of a hangover I wake up with.” Matt moved from her but took hold of Mercedes’ hand and brought her to a stone bench. “I’m surprised he showed. Same with Quinn. Do you know if she’s here for emotional support? If she’s capable of providing emotional support? Figured with that big bomb about Marcus and Chloe she’d be too uppity to show.”

Mercy

Following him to the bench she sighed. "Mac is amazing, he loves Chloe so that means that he will always do what he feels is right, he knew Chloe wouldn't be able to fully stand up there if he wasn't there. As for Quinn, she may be an ice queen but I have seen the kind side of her, and James said she is a big softy too so maybe she really is trying to support things." She intertwined their hands together. "I guess I should get back to my date and you back to all the men and women wanting to be with you huh?"

Matt

He went ahead and bent down to help get her legs onto his lap. Matt pulled a heel off and started to massage. “Nah. I want to be here and talk about how the Quinn Fabray is a softie. I didn’t think such a thing is possible.” Matt worked his magic on the ball of her foot. “Heard she and James had some alone time in the manor. One of my buddies spotted them climbing out a window.”

Mercy

Mercedes watched as he massaged her foot and leaned back onto the stone bench. "Mmmm that feels oh so good." she moaned slightly closing her eyes. "Hey she and I may have our differences, but she isn't that bad. As for her and James heard he was a hero and she actually let him save her." She said softly. "Why are you always so good to me, even just rubbing my foot like this?"

Matt

Matt chuckled. “I like that part where she let him. It’s hard to help people who don’t want it. A lot of our trainings with people say not to stick around if someone is being difficult. James should get some type of recognition for handing that and getting them both out.” Matt’s rubbing got more into it and he smiled as he looked at her foot. “Oh, you know. This is just me getting my rocks off. Me and my foot fetish and all.” Me pretended he was about to kiss her foot but stopped. “It’s what I want to do. I like having these nice moments with you. Where it feels almost domestic.”

Mercy

"It is hard, you have your pride, you have your no how and all you want is to make things better for people. But from what he said, it was crazy, he said she first crawled away from him, thats how she cut her hand. Then she tried to leave again. He said she was stubborn the whole way but she let him do it." She laughed at him. "Well enjoy your foot fetish, but know you just can't hit that spot that causes me some...issues." She sat back on the bench just enjoying their moment together.

@heiressmercyjones

#para: mercedes #//posted this out of order. whoops!#suicide mention tw #death mention tw

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the-river-dream-shore · 7 years

Text

@burtonesquevincent tagged me, thanks! :)

Rules: answer all the questions, add one of your own and tag as many people as there are questions i mean you can tag other people then :)

1. coke or pepsi?

lemon pepsi? idk

2. disney or dreamworks?

Dreamworks!

3. coffee or tea?

herbal/fruit/light green tea. I don’t like bitter taste.

4. books or movies?

both

5. windows or mac?

Windows? I used to want Mac, but today it just seems like an overpriced product that prefers design over functionality. Once game developers start including Linux I’ll switch to Linux.

6. dc or marvel?

I feel like it’s more about the writers, as I just don’t like big corporations much. I really liked Young Avengers and Journey into Mystery. And Agent of Asgard, but it broke my heart so idk if I can recommend it (yes I can), I’ve also read some Robin stuff (mostly Nightwing and Red Robin), where the quality differed as it was written by numerous authors. I want to read Ms Marvel. I started to read Wicked and Divine (Image comics) but there was too much pop-culture references that said nothing to me (not sure, if i’m too eastern Europe, too young, or too abstinent for it. but I might revisit it later because the plot was interesting)

7. xbox or playstation?

PC. Only game console I like is a good ol’ gameboy. (read as: i’m broke and i’ve never owned either)

8. dragon age or mass effect?

Dragon Age, the plots seem more interesting and I love fantasy more than military sci-fi. I don’t like the design of either. I would say I’m picky, when it comes to 3D games, but then... I like WoW, Minecraft, Don’t Starve, Pokémon, Undertale, point ‘n’ click text-heavy adventures and Subnautica and not much more. So idk :D I prefer isometrics and 2D, exploring landscapes, gathering resources, getting to know characters, uncovering mysteries. Romance, timed missions and teambuilding? Nah. 1st person shooters? EVIL.

9. night owl or early riser?

hoo hoo, it’s currently after 1AM and since I don’t have work tommorow, I’m not getting out of bed before the lunch :D

10. cards or chess?

cards. chess are too depressive (idk why, it just makes me sad even if I don’t lose)

11. chocolate or vanilla?

vanilla. I rarely eat chocolate and I used to like the white one the best before I started eating vegan. i got used to the chocolate flavour and sometimes actually crave it a lot, but i still mostly prefer vanilla flavour.

12.vans or converse?

never had any of them, but I would really like to have converse style shoes that go mid-calf length.

13. fluff or angst?

hurt comfort with happy, even unrealisticaly sweet ending. shut up.

14. beach or forest?

calm beach near a calm forrest where there are no dangerous or annoying insects (my skin is delicate and insects tend to be inconsiderate :D)

15. dogs or cats?

generally? cats, i just too often can’t share the dog enthusiasm and being a good team player exhausts me. but animals have different personalities that doesn’t have to match the stereotypes, so I keep an open mind.

16. clear skies or rain?

both is nice, as long as it changes in few days

17. cooking or eating out?

Eating out, probably. I’m not a terrific cook and I hate doing the dishes.

18. spicy food or mild food?

Spicy!

19. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas?

Halloween. But I like both :)

20. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot?

eh, probably the first one, but both sounds shit

21. if you could have a superpower, what would it be?

Telekinesis and flying. Aka I wouldn’t have to get up for snacks and I could avoid all obstacles and people when running late somewhere. Also discovering abandoned roofs and towers :3 Oh, and it would be nice if I actually could remember stuff and stay motivated :D

22. animation or live action?

unfair! but if I had to choose, 2D animation.

23. baths or showers?

baths aren’t an option mostly, not enough hot water or bad bath tub. I love baths, but only when it’s perfect temperature and a nice bath tub. otherwise, showers.

24. team cap or team ironman?

MCU? Steve. Comics? Idk, neither.

25. fantasy or sci-fi?

my favourite setting is when it mixes

26. do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so, what are they?

All that is gold does not glitter/Not all those who wander are lost (LotR)

Everybody want’s to change the world but no one wants to die (MCR)

27. youtube or netflix?

youtube

28. harry potter or percy jackson?

Harry Potter. I didn’t read PJ.

29. when do you feel accomplished?

when I can make the brave decision.

30. star wars or star trek?

really?? both, ofc.

31. paperback or hardback books?

hardback, except for the Terry Pratchett books.

32. horror or rom-com?

Hm. How about a horror setting, but it’s funny in an un-american way?

33. tv shows or movies?

eeeeeh, probably movies, i don’t have much time lately so it’s more accesible medium for me

34. favourite animal?

cats, water turtles, parrots, elephants, monkeys...

35. favourite genre of music?

rock, country, rock ‘n’ roll... I like quick beat and catchy melody. I don’t like recitals/hip hop/rap, baladas and whiny pop.

36. least favourite book?

I tend not to remember books I dislike. Serves them good.

37. favourite season?

Late spring, not too hot summer days and early autumn. Temperature is everything.

38. song that’s currently stuck in your head?

Nothing in particular. But I’m always in mood to sing good ol’ MCR at shower :D

39. what kind of pyjamas do you wear?

sweatpants/shorts and a tank top/shirt. zero shoes.

40. how many existential crises do you have on an average day?

Lately, not that much? It’s like twice a week usually, but nothing devastating.

41. if you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be?

i don’t think I’ve actually thought about my funeral before? I wouldn’t choose anything with words, just some calm but uplifting melody. Maybe Undertale (from Undertale :).

42. favourite theme song to a TV show?

dun dun dun... go go naruto! :D idek, I don’t even atch TV shows that much...

43. harry potter movies or books?

I liked the books more, but I can’t remember when I read them the last time. The movies are cool too though :)

44. you can make your OTP become canon but you’ll forget that tumblr exists. will you do it?

I’m not giving up this site up! It has it’s problems and bugs, but most of the time it encourages me and puts nice pictures on my dash, so I feel better.

45. do you play an instrument and if so, what is it?

I play the piano badly and I have a basic knowledge how most of the instruments work, does it count? :D

46. what is the worst way to die?

hopeless

47. if you could be entirely invisible for a day, what would you do?

I would use it to make a political statement or action - I would try to find dirt on openly bigoted and hateful famous people and politicians, and maybe sabbotage some neonazis.

48. If you could have personally witnessed anything in history what would it be?

I’d be fascined to find out what was there before the Big Bang. I don’t think I’d be able to comprehend it by just human senses alone though...

49. If you could understand animals but you could never understand humans again, would you?

No. I worked hard to understand at least a little about humans. And I don’t think understanding animals (at least to some extent) is impossible for humans.

50. What is your most favourite album currently?

I don’t do albums.

51. What is your favourite word/phrase/colloquiallism? Name one (or more) per language you speak c:

We’ll burn that bridge when we get there. (eng)

Wanderlust (de) - longing to travel and explore (ok, saying i speak german would be a bit of an overstatement, but i like this word and i vagely understand german, so...)

Kdo si hraje, nezlobí (cz) - [playing prevents mischief] used in situations where the playing leads directly to mischief

52. What mythical creature would you like to be able to transform into?

And now, the tags! I tag everybody who:

- likes doing long tag games

- is willing to tag me in ther post so i can read your answers

( @kaimaciel? @kitikara? @gentianablue? :)

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orionsangel86 · 7 years

Text

12x12 Episode Review - Still Screeching...this time about the colour “Peach”.

I gave my 12x10 episode review the title “Pterodactyl Screeching into the Void” because I was so happy about it I couldn’t help but scream with glee at practically every moment. I also said this: “I feel like there is so much to talk about in this episode that fandom will be chewing on it for months if not years to come.” I still believe this, I just didn’t expect that two episodes later I would be reliving this exact same thoughts and feelings. I considered 12x10 to be a one off, a glorious gift to fandom wrapped in a big destielicious bow. Clearly, we celebrate our fandom birthday only two weeks before fandom Christmas because we just got ANOTHER gift wrapped in an even BIGGER destielicious bow and I can hardly contain my glee. (baring in mind fandom Christmas falls on the tenth anniversary of tumblr and close to valentines day I can’t help but feel this was planned - PRESENTS ALL AROUND)

But anyway. Lets talk meta. Once again I am very late to the party as I doubt I will be posting this any earlier than Saturday evening when you have probably all been talking this to death for the past two days. But eh, I’m gonna do my thing and hope you all agree, or aren’t bored by now if everything I talk about is stuff already gone over by my fellow very talented meta writers.

Starting with the obvious, Director Dick Speight Jr and Writer Davy Perez made this episode an homage to Tarantino movies. Specifically Reservoir Dogs which has so many ties to this episode both visually and subtextually that it is kind of difficult to keep track of my thoughts on it. I have to confess, I hadn’t ever watched Reservoir Dogs all the way through prior to watching the episode because it never really interested me. However, after watching the episode for the first time Friday lunch time I decided that it was in my best interests as a meta writer to give it a go. I watched it and tried to take in everything Tarantino was saying and doing with this movie…

Being a meta writing, destiel shipper with heteronormative goggles permanently removed since watching this show guess what the first thing I picked up on was? That’s right Mr White and Mr Orange… what WAS going on there anyway? Because these guys didn’t know each other very long but they became VERY close by the time of the heist. Poor Freddie and Larry. Such doomed tragic lovers... do we have a ship name for them yet? Frarry? Leddie? Or maybe just “peach” (hence my title)

I believe that when Perez was writing this episode he had a SPN character in mind for each character in RD (mostly anyway). Cas is obviously Mr Orange (the bleeding out from the stomach thing gives it away as does Davy’s tweet here. Here is who I think the rest of the characters are supposed to be:

Dean – Mr White (duh)

Mary – Mr Pink

Wally – Mr Brown

Sam – Nice Guy Eddie maybe? I struggled here

Crowley – I wanna say Joe. (though I also kinda think Ketch would be Joe here… its not too obvious)

Remiel – Mr Blonde (“yellow” hair)

Explanations and various meta under the cut. This gets long:

THE TRAGIC LOVERS/ THE WOUNDED ANGEL

How amazing was this episode for Dean and Cas? I know people were getting upset about the diner scene being Dean trying to set Cas up but this was all posturing on Dean’s part partly for Wally and partly because he was bristled with jealousy. Someone needs to get Dean’s face when the waitress first calls Cas “handsome” and use the “conceal don’t feel” moment from Frozen because that is EXACTLY what was going on there.

(gif source @godshipsit)

“My Devastatingly handsome friend here” Really Dean? Mandy had already called Cas handsome you don’t need to talk him up to her now she has already shown her interest. Your crush is showing Dean.

But lets skip past the diner scene because there is SO MUCH more to talk about. A big part of this very busy story is about Cas getting injured and the Winchesters reaction to that. It seems like the writers are going out of their way right now to show the audience that Cas is SUPER IMPORTANT SO SHUT THE HELL UP SAYING HE ISNT. THANK YOU ANDREW DABB. THANK YOU DAVY PEREZ, THANK YOU DICK SPEIGHT JR. THIS IS EVERYTHING TO US! I meant it when I said I was *sipping Cas hater tears* right now. I get so happy when justice is served.

We never do find out if anything happened between Cas and the waitress… I suppose you could say it was added as a “no homo” to the “I love you” from later on in the episode, but I think it was completely non relevant. They immediately leave the diner to go after the demon. So no hot sex with random waitress for Cas Though honestly, he showed no interest at all. Dean did all the work for him and all Cas did was give her a sniff to see if the whole “smells like food”thing was true. Its kinda hilarious.

Anway, cue Cas getting stabbed by the Lance.

This is such a beautiful shot. I just wanted to say that. Also, this is a demon with a weird hobby for night fishing who happens to make Cas his “catch” on this particular night. This is the second time Cas has been the “fish” in this show, and well:

(gif source @winchester-reload)

(sorry couldn’t resist).

As soon as Dean realises Cas is hurt, he takes on Mr Whites role of being the one to inspect the wound, to reassure Cas that he will be okay, to just plain deny his dying. Its beautiful to watch Dean get so upset about this. Once again his reaction is so very different from Sam and Mary’s – both of whom are incredibly upset don’t get me wrong – but Dean’s reactions, and Deans emotions, are where the camera focuses the most. Why? Why do you all bloody think? (Remember that our Director this episode calls himself “the Prophet of Destiel” so I think we are in good company here guys).

“you look like hammered crap”

“Yeah that sounds about right”

Still being the husband Dean. “I’ve had worse” “Oh yeah? When” Urgh the whole exchange is so touching really. Dean covers the wound up to stop Cas from looking at it, tries to reassure him. The LIP QUIVER thank you Jensen for those small but exceptionally well thought out motions.

(gif source @subcas)

His actual face is terrified, every one of these tiny reactions is Jensen at his best and I have to send Dick Speight Jr a fruit basket for capturing each and every one.

Besides you know things are bad when he calls out for “Sammy”

“no, no theres a cure. Theres always a cure” so desperate

Dean’s reaction to Crowleys “hey, I was quite fond of the choir boy too” with his “shut up, shut up” because he is showing his anger. He is in denial, and is handling it with anger against Crowley. Because Crowley knows how he feels about Cas. Hence his response. It was another subtle but beautiful moment highlighting how Dean reacts differently when Cas is in danger.

And then we have CAS’S SPEECH. I know we have all been flailing about this since the episode aired as lets be honest it is THE BEST thing about this episode. I have watched it so many times, picked it apart and just cried over it enough times in the past few days to know that this beautiful moment means EVERYTHING.

“Thank you, thank you, knowing you, its been the best part of my life. And the things that we’ve shared together, they have changed me.”

Notice how Mary looks at Dean here. She doesn’t know their history, but at this point in the season I do think that Mary suspects something is between Dean and Cas. Her reactions speak far louder than words (just like her stubborn son).

As the camera then cuts to Dean’s reaction:

(gif source @godshipsit)

Because of course it does. Dean’s face here is so very perfect for the emotional turmoil going on inside him. Cas says that the things they have shared together have “changed him” as in for the better, Mary looks at Dean and Dean looks BROKEN because yes he has changed Cas “The very touch of you corrupts” and I doubt that Dean has forgotten that somehow, especially when we had a reminder of it just two episodes ago. Dean thinks he has ruined Cas and this moment was very telling of that.

(gif source @ahoyspn)

“you’re my family,” FINALLY HE KNOWS. How long has it taken him to get here?

ASHJFHEGFEWAHFUEHFUH!!!

CUT TO DEAN AND DEAN ALONE!! (Thank you editing department for making that FUCKING CLEAR! (Gif source for both the above @godshipsit)

“I love all of you.”

DISTINCTION. TO CLARIFY MEANS THE FIRST IS AMBIGUOUS. Also the reaction shots here are amazing.

Dean’s face is just pure pain. I can’t bare it. This is the best fucking thing SPN has EVER given us.

AND THEN AND THEN

WE GET OUR CONFIRMATION. CAS GETS HIS CONFIRMATION THAT HE IS IMPORTANT. HE IS NOT EXPENDABLE. THEY WOULD GIVE THEIR LIVES FOR HIM. THIS IS ALL WE HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR.

“Cas No.” Dean says. Just no. I will not leave you here.

“Yes, you need to keep fighting”

“We are fighting. We’re fighting for you Cas” OH SAMMY HOW I LOVE YOU.

“And like you said we’re family, and we don’t leave family behind” OH DEAN NO YOU ARE BEAKING MY HEART

LOOK AT THIS POOR SWEETHEARTS FACE

(gif source @godshipsit)

THIS IS THE MOMENT HE REALISES. THE MOMENT IT HAS BEEN LEADING UP TO. THE MOMENT WE HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR. THIS IS IT. THIS FACE IS WHAT I HAVE WEIGHED MY HEART ON SINCE WATCHING 10x22 AND GAMBLING ON WHETHER TO STICK WITH THIS FUCKING SHOW OR NOT.

I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY ABOUT THIS. I WROTE ABOUT CAS’S ARC AND WHAT WAS COMING FOR HIM AND THIS IS FUCKING IT YOU GUYS THIS IS SO SO SO IMPORTANT I AM CRYING.

I am probably gonna devote a separate post just to this tbh because I can hardly stand it.

Look, I have decided I am not going to debate the “I love you” here. It is ambiguous, on second, third, forth and fifth viewing I will admit that, but I have two asks in my inbox both speaking kinda negatively about this confession so I will address this separately there. At the end of the day, with everything else we have been told about Cas up until this point, it can easily be read as a romantic “I love you” to Dean just as it can be read as a platonic one. I have chosen to see the romantic interpretation, because Dean’s reaction was first.

Anyway, the fact is that the way Dean reacts to the whole Cas dying thing is different to the way Sam and Mary react. There is a distinction, just like there is a distinction between “I love you” and “I love all of you”.

When Cas is spewing up black goo (and baby why are you always vomiting black goo you poor thing – love the season 6/7 call backs though)

compared to:

and:

(gif sources all @godshipsit)

See, Sam is able to remain calm “hang in there alright. What do we do?” and Dean? Dean can’t talk. He is close to tears, he just looks BROKEN and looks down. He can’t even watch Cas die. This is once again further proof (that we have been getting since 11x10 btw) that the brothers view Cas differently. To Sam, Cas is a friend, a brother, he loves him, but he isn’t so very emotionally compromised when Cas is in danger. Dean? Oh Dean breaks. Every. Time. This is why we keep going on about these things. See we don’t think Sam thinks less of Cas, its just that he is not in love with Cas like Dean is. When you are in love with someone, it hurts more. This distinction has constantly been thrown at us in the show. It is important.

Then the HANDS urgh I love anything Handsy in this show… so much symbolism.

(gif source @weallneedcastiel)

Blablabla hands blablabla profound bonds… oh but THIS:

(thanks to @elizabethrobertajones for giffing this in zoomed in slow motion because she is trying to KILL ME)

This kills me. Sam lets go, Dean clings on for as long as he can. TELL ME THAT ISN’T TRUE LOVE?!?

And then as if they haven’t ALREADY KILLED US ENOUGH THEY GIVE US THIS:

(gif source @godshipsit)

Guys. GUYS. What was it Bob Singer said? “Cas is a nomad, he doesn’t have a home.”

WELL THANKS BOB SINGER BUT I GUESS YOU HAD A CHANGE OF HEART OR DABB TOTALLY OVERRULED YOU! We know for 100% certain that Cas’s home is the bunker. He lives there. He belongs there. This is such a far cry from 9x03 I am so so happy. It is undeniable. Cas lives at the Bunker.

Then at the end, as if I didn’t need my freaking heart:

“I almost lost one of my boys”

MARY HAS ONLY BEEN AROUND FOR A FEW MONTHS AND CAS IS ONE OF HER BOYS! SHE SEES HIM AS ONE OF HER BOYS! IS THIS FANFICTION? WHO SOLD THEIR SOUL FOR THIS? This is proof enough that Cas is part of the family. This episode is the gift that keeps on giving.

Now that I have screeched about all of that, I just want to quickly talk about the mirrors in Reservoir Dogs. Because as I said earlier, Dean and Cas are our Mr White and Mr Orange. Why is this? Because if you watch the scene where Mr White comforts Mr Orange in the warehouse you will find some similarities between that and Dean and Cas’s exchange in this episode.

Look I will admit I watched this film once (and then watched these few scenes a couple of extra times) so I am no expert on it, but as far as I am concerned, this is quite obvious subtext. The film starts and ends with these two guys wrapped in each others arms, dying, bloody, and very close. Larry (Mr White) stands up for Freddie (Mr Orange) the whole way through the movie. He is the only one who doesn’t doubt him. Everyone else is suspicious of Mr Orange being the cop and it all builds up to the moment where they all point their guns at each other because Mr White risks his life to save Mr Orange from Joe’s gun. He goes against his friends for this guy he barely knows… the big question is WHY? Well, it makes a hell of a lot more sense if maybe Mr White had fallen in LOVE with Mr Orange… because love makes you go against logic. So it obviously makes the film all the more tragic to know that Mr Orange WAS the undercover cop and basically breaks Mr Whites heart in that final scene (because he doesn’t want to die in the arms of the guy he clearly loves knowing there is still one big lie between them.)

How does this relate to Dean and Cas? Because even though Davy Perez only wrote very loose connections between the other SPN character and the Res Dogs cast, (except Mary blatantly being Mr Pink and getting away with the loot at the end) he very CLEARLY wrote parallels for White and Orange in Dean and Cas. The guys with the homoerotic subtext in Res Dogs, get the homoerotic subtext in SPN as well. Both sadly remain subtextual, but the parallels are blatantly obvious.

This episode has given us enough to write about in terms of destiel for the next YEAR let along the next week. I can hardly keep up with it all. And this isn’t even the rest of this beautiful episode which after 6 re-watches I still haven’t tired of yet.

MR KETCH/ MOTHER MARY

“Tell me a story”

Honestly my first thought was Metatron. But then this makes sense since I think the British Men of Letters are Dabb’s self-insert character. Like Metatron was Carver’s self-insert character and Chuck was Kripke’s self-insert character. Did Gamble have a self-insert character? Because we are getting so many call backs to season 6 this season that I feel like it should be acknowledged. Anyway, we don’t actually know that he is talking to Mary at this point, but a lot of this episode takes place from Mary’s POV. Mary is incredibly conflicted at this point, but I do think that she believes they are doing good. I also feel like the line “asking the wrong questions” is important. This season is all about communication, miscommunication and a lack of communication. If only they would all TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Excellent use of the Pulp Fiction mystery brief case glow (WHAT COULD IT BE?)

One of the most shocking things in this episode was how Mary refused to reveal that she had stolen from Ramiel to save Cas’s life. She sneaked around behind the boys’ backs, wouldn’t tell them that she is working with the BMOL, stole the mystery item and lied to her sons about it. This is all very Cas in season 6. Mary knows that what she is doing is wrong, she must do, otherwise she would have spoken to her sons about it (lack of communication). We keep talking about how this is a season 6 rewrite, but this time Mary is in Cas’s place, this couldn’t have been more obvious come the end of the episode with this outfit:

Also this line:

“Anything happens like that again, anything, and I will burn you down”

Made me think of this line:

“If you touch a hair on their heads, I will tear it all down. Our arrangement. I’m still an angel, and I will bury you.” Said to Crowley by Cas in 6x20.

We have ourselves a very interesting little parallel here. Mary is betraying her boys and it is not gonna go well for her, if season 6 is anything to go on. What could possibly happen? Well, the BMOL want to rid the world of all Supernatural beings for a start, and Mary seems to share that mentality. The fact that she wouldn’t give up the Colt to save Cas’s life also makes me rather concerned… but she did call him “one of my boys” so I dunno what to think. Is Cas potentially in danger here? We have speculated this before, after seeing the way both Ketch and Mick seem to hungrily eye Cas up all the time. Whilst its funny to think that they both just wanna jump his bones, the truth of the matter is that they probably wanna string him in a display cabinet like Catrina’s butterflies in 12x11. Could Mary’s refusal to hand over the Colt at that point be foreshadowing for her using Cas as a bargaining tool later in the season? Could she betray him to the BMOL? I don’t want to think that Mary would be capable of such a thing, but like my Evil!Mary anon keeps saying, something isn’t right with her, and she doesn’t have the Winchester’s long history with Cas (or the Colt) to truly understand what they mean to each other. Mary’s reactions to Cas’s confession seemed more like surprise than anything else, especially the way she turns to look back at her sons when Cas talks about the “things they have shared”.

If there is one thing I have been completely unable to predict with this season it is where the mytharc plot is going. There are so many elements at play, and now we have the return of the Colt and Mary’s betrayal to deal with as well. This is only going to escalate into something very bad, and Sam and Dean are going to be royally burned at the end of it. Could it come down to a choice? Cas vs Mary? So far this season Dabb has gone out of his way to prove that Cas is one of the family, and now we finally have got to a point where Cas himself believes this. Could this all have been to put him on equal grounds with Mary only to have the Winchester’s make a Schindler’s List style decision later down the line? How horrifying a thought. I hope it doesn’t come to that, but this whole situation with Mary has got me very worried.

THE PRINCE/ MR CROWLEY

Oh boy was this awesome. Firstly, I love the character of Ramiel. He was straight out of a Tarantino movie with his “couldn’t give a damn” attitude and his constantly calm manner. He was a cold psychopath and I loved it. Also he was our “Mr Blonde” with his yellow eyes. (I am glad that no one lost an ear in this episode – though I am suddenly very much aware that this already happened in SPN previously… honestly we will soon get to a point where everything has been done on SPN. This show is insane.) The whistling, the fishing, the spear, the “you mind explaining why you broke into my house!?” so smoothly after being shot. I think he was one of the best villains we have had in a while. I would have liked to see more of him. Interestingly, when I watched the promo shots of him I was reminded of Alistair. I am not sure why other than I saw similarities between the actors, but the fact that he was actually a “prince of hell” and a call back to Azazel was amazing.

NEW LORE! Good new lore too rather than retcons that don’t make much sense! Finding out some origin stories about Azazel (also HOW AWESOME was that yellow eyes reveal to Mary!) The first demons after Lilith created by Lucifer had yellow eyes. HOW LONG have we been speculating about the colour of demon eyes and what it means?

“Asmodeus has his hobbies, Dagon has her toys” TWO NEW SCARY DEMONS who we will totally be seeing in the coming episodes now… probably to avenge their dear departed brother. We know that Dagon has taken an interest in Kelly Kline and Lucifer’s baby so we will probably be seeing her next episode - for some reason I totally picture her as an Ellie Driver character… probably because eye patches are suddenly “a thing” in this show and also nurses outfit/protecting the baby mama… yeah… This is my Dagon currently:

Anyway, we are back to “yellow eyed demon” levels of bad and I love all the call backs to the previous seasons. Season 6 is predominantly the season we are rewriting in season 12, but there have also been major callbacks to season 4 and to the early seasons now to the point that I partly think this is Dabbs rewrite of the entire first half of the show.

Lets talk about Crowley, because OMG CROWLEY in this episode! Crowley is like the epitome of “I don’t care” (actually cares a lot) bless him. First of all, we get a CROWLEY ORIGIN STORY (bless you Davy Perez) because how long have we all been wondering how he managed to claim the throne? He was given it by the rightful heir.

What is the most amazing part of this, which gives such a HUGE insight into Crowley’s character is this:

(gif source @godshipsit)

Which is his reaction to finding out that Cas was stabbed with the lance. The subtle shock, and sorrow on his face, before he composes himself. I just… CROWLEY! Where is that feelings gif?

I know we joke about the Crowley x dean x cas love triangle, but with this season calling back to season 6 and Cas and Crowley’s original partnership, with all the history between Crowley and Dean and now THIS? Evidence that Crowley cares. A lot. What makes it even better is that while everyone else was sitting around helplessly watching Cas die, Crowley DID SOMETHING. He BROKE THE LANCE…. Seemingly one of the most powerful weapons in creation, a weapon that he could have used to KILL LUCIFER and he BROKE IT FOR CAS. CROWLEY SAVED CAS’S LIFE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO PERSONAL GAIN WHATSOEVER. CROWLEY CARES ABOUT CAS.

This is just wonderful. What does this mean for Crowley now? He clearly cares about them, but they still reject him mostly. Will this act of compassion mean that the Winchesters accept Crowley as a part of their group from now on? Or will Lucifer’s words poison his mind?

Because lets talk about that for a moment. We all knew that Lucifer wasn’t in the cage… Crowley has him locked up in a small cage in his throne room. This will not end well. Lucifer is the master of deception, he uses his words to manipulate people and with Crowley’s weakness being the Winchesters (including Cas) Lucifer could easily use this against him.

“I know that look. Sam and Dean have got you down. I still can’t believe you’re working for the dukes of haphazard. Do you really think they care about you? Think about it Crowley, they kill your kind. It’s in their blood. You know, you know. Its only a matter of time before they come for yoooouuu”.

This is Lucifer already working his magic. His forked tongue whispering things into Crowley’s ear that will slowly poison his mind and turn him against the Winchesters again. I don’t know what is coming up for Crowley, but like with Mary, I can’t see it going well for him. I am so excited to find out what happens next.

OVERALL

This episode is one of my favourites. I mean in the WHOLE SERIES. It was wonderful. I enjoyed every minute. The writing, the direction, the editing, the music cues were spot on. Richard Speight Jr NAILED IT. I hope he directs again. This season just keeps getting better and better. There is so much going on I can hardly get my thoughts in order, but to summarise:

We have two new yellow eyed demons who are gonna be PISSED when they realise their brother has been killed.

We have Lucifer trapped in a cage poisoning Crowley’s mind.

The BMOL have the Colt. THE COLT.

Mary is the betrayer in the midst. She is working for the BMOL behind her son’s backs.

Kelly Kline is still missing with Lucifer’s baby. Dagon has “taken an interest”.

The “cosmic consequences” are still outstanding.

Cas loves his family. His family is canonically the Winchesters. He is no longer an “angel of the lord/heaven”.

The Winchesters love Cas. Canonically. They would die for him.

Crowley puts the Winchesters and Castiel above his own need for power and personal gain.

Destiel is canon

Okay so I may have added the last point in as a joke, but we are so not far off guys. We have the building blocks in place. Slowly but surely we are getting there and we are already so much further along than I would have hoped. I do think that we will get an undeniable confession of romantic love from Cas’s side at least this season. If not by him directly, then by someone else (my money is on Crowley or Mary) pointing it out to him and him not denying it. Basically, we are in a really positive place. Dabb is doing a brilliant job of answering all our questions, questions we have had for YEARS about plot holes and mystery points left open to interpretation. I am convinced that this will only get better. God I love him. I always knew Andrew Dabb would do an amazing job when he first took over as showrunner, but in my wildest dreams I didn’t think he would give us so much so soon. We are truly blessed right now. This series has majorly improved since the atrocity of season 10. they seem to have LEARNT from that . This is wonderful. I couldn’t be happier.

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fyx-ation · 7 years

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So, uh... that FFXV was a thing, wasn’t it?

It sure was, Bill... it sure as shit was.

So, yeah, I finally played and, just a moment ago, beat Final Fantasy XV.

I’m about to sum up my feelings on the game, many of which are shared with the general gaming community, so I might have nothing new to add at this point... But I feel strongly enough to keep writing, anyhow.

If you’re bothered by that sort of thing, scroll on.

Sometimes, in grade schools across the world, teachers feel the need to give every single child an award. Usually there’s nothing to it. Some might spring for a ribbon, others might give out trophies, and even fewer might elect to have other students create rewards for the recipients. The latter was my personal case in middle school. A boy, whose name escapes me because the entire affair was almost forgettable except for the reward, gave me the Most Potential award. Every other student made small bundles of candy or bought some small token for their reward recipient. I got... A small piece of notebook paper cut into the shape of a ribbon.

Most Potential.

I’m not sure if a more insulting award exists in the entire world.

What does this have to do with anything? I think you’re smart enough to see where I’m going.

Final Fantasy is quite possibly the franchise that made me a gamer. I played the first one the NES when I was a child, and I’m certain it was one of the first RPGs I had ever played. By middle school, when I was playing FF3 (really VI), I was knee deep in love with the genre and carving my path with a shovel made out of Blockbuster rental cases.

What I’m getting at is that my opinion on the franchise carries weight because I’m getting to be an old fart. I’ve seen the good, the bad, the ugly. I started out as Relm, and now I am becoming Cid (pick one).

When the game loads, the screen tells you that XV is for fans and first timers. My gut reaction to this was a big, fat, pessimistic, “Yeah, we’ll see.” XIII left me feeling like someone clipped my purse strings and ran off cackling into the night. Must stay on subject.... must... not... rant...

Well, I saw. I came, I saw, I conquered.

I didn’t hate it.

I didn’t love it, either. And here’s where the award comes in.

You, Final Fantasy XV, are the proud recipient of the Most Potential award. I’m even going the extra mile and writing this in a digital format rather than on notebook paper, so you can cherish it forever... as long as you have electricity.

What a hot-ass mess. Here are my beefs in broad strokes:

The combat feels sloppy. I know SE is trying desperately to get into the action RPG thing with FF because they feel like turn-based games are archaic and no one wants to play them. Fine. Whatever. That’s what made you a thing... but whatever. The problem is that they didn’t do a very good job with this. Kingdom Hearts does it amazingly well. Any Tales game puts it to shame.

Can I tell you a secret? You can laugh at me; it’s okay. I didn’t know you could just hold O to fight until I already had 80 hours on the game. Yep. I played that much just mashing O and square and warping. I spent untold minutes grinding my teeth during the Leviathan fight because nothing was happening. I kept missing an invisible quick-time event, apparently. IDK. (I researched it and others had the same problem? No clue.)

As a whole, the combat just felt very clunky and almost as if the AI was too smart. Maybe I should have played all the tutorials at the beginning. Who knows!

And magic sucked. So much suck. Friendly fire? REALLY? REALLY? THAT’S THE ROAD YOU CHOSE?

Hmm. what else.

Oh, you know how in some console RPGs, you can change the tactics in the menu to control the behavior of other characters in your party? Or you can switch who you want to play? None of that here. The other bros forget they have a spell equipped most of the time. But when they remember, you can be sure it’s when you’re in the thick of things so you can take that friendly fire. MMM Mmm. Good stuff.

Speaking of bros... the male gaze stuff was gross. They changed Ignis’ outfit so hit butt wasn’t hanging out, sure. But Cindy... the mechanic... boobs. Does not compute. Girl, get you some damn overalls so you don’t get burned.

I guess this Fantasy includes spark free machines.

So, then there’s the story. I won’t spoil what little story there is for folks that haven’t played it. I might spoil your urge to play it if you haven’t been able to yet. Sorry.

The game has some pretty amazing world-building. That’s not the same as the story, so don’t get excited. You get a general sense of history and a little bit of mythos. But it needed so much more to aid the story. People are so damned thirsty for lore that they’re theorycrafting THE FUCKING STORY for XV. It’s not in the game. They’re pulling shit out of thin air. Check Youtube, and you’ll get lost in a sea of “Ardyn’s TRUE name,” “The meaning of the true ending,” or “Eos Explained!” Yeah, okay, reeeeeeach for it.

And let’s not forget Kingsglaive and Brotherhood. Kingsglaive is a CG movie that accompanies the game. I enjoyed it. I watched it before I played the game (months before oops), because I was gifted both as a package deal. Problem is, Kingsglaive has some precious story that the game so desperately needed, it should have been IN THE GAME. And Brotherhood, the anime, should have been in the game as well. Maybe as flashbacks while camping. Yet even with both of these optional purchases, it’s still missing a truckload of substance.

Sadly, I think they tried to make up for it by putting a pace car in the game. That’s not even a cute metaphor; they really physically put in crap to slow you down. There’s a stamina bar for running, there’s a stamina bar on chocobos, and the Regalia has a set speed it cannot exceed (unless you get parts like the turbocharger several hours into the game). You can fast travel to your car, and you can get in your car and sometimes fast travel to quests or destinations (which, after chapter 13 seemed to be much more frequent unless I’m imagining it). However, sometimes you are forced to sit through minutes and minutes of scenic driving. And even that gets interrupted by a certain bro with a camera fetish. It felt very forced, and I fast traveled everywhere when given the opportunity. I somehow still wound up with 100+ hours on the game. Curse you, gambling and fishing.

The DLC episodes for each bro could have provided the game with a little more substance, too, but SE decided to nickel and dime their patrons for those. It’s becoming a trend that I hate. It’s like selling a jigsaw puzzle and then charging extra for 2-3 pieces that would complete the picture. Fuck a bunch of that.

Another thing that I felt was intentionally annoying stretched out: maps. Lestallam, or however you spell it, was laid out like a street gang’s fantasy. Lots of dead ends, terrible mini-map... just... please.. where’s my car... why is the big market tucked into the ass end of of Satan’s colon instead of on the main circuit WHERE A MARKET BELONGS?

My final Final Fantasy XV beef: TIME TRAVELING! choo choo all aboard the-woops-we-can’t-fix-this-shit train. No, there isn’t actual time-traveling in the game. Not really. Beyond a certain chapter, there is no way to return to Altissia or Lucis. SE handled this the way a dog does when it has a dingleberry. They dragged their ass on the floor until... no, no, I kid. They put in a menu that let’s you zip back to those two places without any explanation. You can do quests and hunts and get exp and items. Then, you can zip back to the “present” with all of those rewards. Hahahaha makes perfect sense, right? Riiiiiight? lolno.

It’s not part of the canon. You’re not dreaming or having a flashback or pulling an Assassin’s creed. They just added it in because otherwise you could plow through several chapters with no way of going back. It would be impossible to go back to those places (for lolstory reasons). They put in a point of no return and then were like, “Just kidding?”

Imagine if in VI you could play all the way to Kefka’s Tower and then, with zero explanation, a save point gives you the option to return to the World of Balance. Bit of a head-scratcher, eh?

They had to do it, though. Remember that substance thing? A lot of it comes from the sparse side quests, fishing, hunting, optional junk-getting. If you’re not interested in any of that, you could skip returning to the “past” altogether.

It had a lot of potential. Unlike a person getting that award, it doesn’t get a chance to better itself. They continue to drop patches on it but nothing that can fix the story.

I’m not sorry I played it. I did put 100+ hours on it, after all. I liked the characters (even if Noctis appears to grow into a Caucasian man and his eyes change color... um... what?). I liked the world. It needed a lot more fine-tuning and character development, though. As I said to a few people already: it felt like a love letter to Final Fantasy rather than an actual Final Fantasy game.

It sort of suffered that same thing XIII did with FF mythos being tacked on but not nearly as badly. Throw in some chocobos. Bitches love chocobos. And a moogle. Just the one; don’t get carried away.

Bravely Default was a damn good Final Fantasy game (if you can get over the repetition) and it wasn’t even a FINAL FANTASY GAME.

Yeah, I’ll shutup now.

#FFXV #final fantasy XV #final fantasy 15 #I write too much

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ventisquear · 7 years

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A Handful of Fine Flower

I posted this on FFN, but never here. It’s about Air’s attempt at birthday surprise for Zev, but it fits Valentine, too, so I decided to post it here anyway, slightly edited.

The weight on the bed shifted, and there was a soft creak of wood followed by the barely audible tap of bare feet on the stone floor. There was a moment of tense silence, during which Zevran continued to breathe calmly and evenly as if he was still fast asleep. He must have been convincing because soon there was a rustle of clothes – Airam was pulling on his shirt and trousers, he guessed – followed by wary steps across the room. They paused by the door. Knowing Airam would get suspicious if he didn’t react at all, Zevran sighed and rolled over, pulling the blanket around him. He more sensed than heard the door opening and closing again.

It was charming how Airam still thought he could sneak past him. After a few minutes, he got up as well and pulled on his shirt. No need to wear pants; if things went as he planned, they would only get in the way. Boots, on the other hand, were a must; nothing looked hotter than black leather on tanned skin. He peeked out of the room. As far as he could see in the ambient light of the sconces, the corridor was empty, and the doors of the other Wardens’ bedrooms were all closed.

He headed right to the library. Where else could his crazy mage go at this time of night? Maybe he’d woke up and suddenly realized he knew the solution to some insanely abstract – and completely useless, in Zevran’s opinion – magical theory.

As expected, the door to the library was ajar. There was no light coming from it, but that didn’t mean much; Airam was probably sitting in one of the aisles, the light of his wisp blocked by the rows of shelves. He tiptoed to the door and slipped in, ready to jump out of the shadows at the sight of Airam poring over his books; he grinned as he imagined the alarm on Airam’s face quickly being replaced by delight at seeing his sexy lover.

“Ssssssrrrroow!”

Zevran dashed behind the nearest bookcase. Thank the Maker he’d put on his boots – he always carried an extra dagger in them. He reached for it now and sneaked back to kill whatever beast or demon had made that horrible noise.

There! Two bright yellow eyes glared at him from the armchair Airam usually snuggled in during the winter nights when he was reading ‘for pleasure’, a pile of books and a mug of hot chocolate sitting next to him. The current occupant was far less cuddly. Zevran cursed as he recognized the huge tabby cat that belonged to one of the new Wardens.

“Do that again, and I’ll feed you to Rask,” he muttered, annoyed.

“Mrooow!” it snapped back in the same tone.

Maybe he should assassinate it himself. It was lucky he had more pressing matters on his mind – specifically, the disappointing lack of purple-haired mages in the library. Think, Zevran. If not here, where else could he be? Where else would a Warden go in the middle of the night?

His lips curled into an amused smirk as he realised the answer. He returned his dagger to its place and hurried to the larder.

Zevran frowned at the lone strawberry that lay next to the door. This night was getting more and more mysterious. Someone was here, that much was obvious – someone who hadn’t bothered to cover their tracks, close the sacks and boxes they had opened, or pick up the strawberries they had dropped. And there was only one person in the whole fortress who could’ve done that without having to worry about facing the wrath of Serah Goraidh, their short but fierce cook. But why in the Void would Airam care about eggs or ginger, while ignoring the tin with his favourite cinnamon cookies?

Zevran picked up the strawberry and thoughtfully popped it in his mouth. Time to find out what was going on.

Airam was bent over an old, tattered notebook, surrounded by pots and pans and mixing bowls of all shapes and kinds. Fully absorbed by the notebook, he hadn’t even noticed he wasn’t alone anymore. “How dare he say it’s like potion making,” he muttered in a frustrated voice.

Zevran chuckled. “I fully agree, amore. Whoever he is.”

With a start, Airam looked up at him and closed the notebook. “You’re not supposed to be here,” he said accusingly, but Zevran didn’t miss the way his gaze heated up as he took in his figure leaning against the doorframe in a way that accentuated the curve of his hip, his crossed arms ‘accidentally’ pulling his shirt up a little higher so it just barely covered his naughty bits. He was gratified to see Airam’s mouth open a little at the sight.

“Oh? Am I not supposed to be at your side?” he asked, peeling himself from the doorframe and sauntering over to him.

“Not tonight,” Airam said, but he put the notebook on the desk and wrapped his arms around Zevran’s waist. “You should be sleeping. Next time I’ll poke you to be sure you’re not pretending.”

“Mmmm… I’d like that.” Zevran cupped Airam’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss, but their lips had barely touched when Airam pushed him away.

“With a fire stick.”

“Ah, harsh words and a rejection! You are cruel, amore.”

“You are a distraction,” Airam retorted. “And you may stop with those puppy dog eyes and pouting. It won’t work on me, not tonight. I need to do other things.”

“What other things?”

“You’ll find out tomorrow. Now, shoo.” There was the most intriguing little smile on Airam’s lips.

“And what if I have business here, too, hm? Maybe I assumed you were in the library and decided to use this chance to do something.”

“Like what?”

“Like…” Zevran glanced at the bowls neatly stacked on the table – one with eggs, the other with butter, flour, strawberries… “A strawberry cake?” he said, as it all clicked together.

Airam laughed. “You’re incorrigible. When will you learn that sticking that pretty nose of yours into everything isn’t good for you? Especially around holidays and birthdays.”

“… oh.” When Airam had come to pick him up in Antiva, he’d visited all the places from Zevran’s past – including the whorehouse. Most of the whores from his childhood were either dead or long gone, but the Matron was still there, and when she realized who they were, she was very willing to talk. Based on her memories, Airam calculated the probable date of Zevran’s birthday – July 31st. Tomorrow. “And you decided to bake a strawberry cake for me?” he asked incredulously. “By yourself?”

“A tart,” Airam corrected. “Yes. I’ve been wanting to try it for a long time – Goraidh makes it sound like a lot of simple fun. You just need to follow the instructions on the recipe, he said, like when you’re doing potions. So I thought this might be a good opportunity to try it, but….” He picked up the notebook and flipped through the pages. “Here. See for yourself. Is this how the Crows write their poison recipes?”

“Strawberry Tarte” was inscribed at the top of the page in ornamental handwriting. The recipe itself was far less pretty, scribbled down by someone too busy to care about loops and swirls.

Take two or three handfuls of fine flower and a little saffron and mingle together & cut a disshe of swete butter and crumble with flower & put in yolkes of two or three egges & and a curtesy of faire water & make it thin and tender as ye maie.

Take strawberries and washe them and cut them & spread them on your Tarte & season them with cynamon, suger and Ginger & put a little red wine or rosewater into them & bake it.

Zevran arched his brow. “Well, it is a recipe. The Crows would be slightly more precise. They would at least specify which type of fine flower they meant – a rose? An orchid?”

Airam waved his hand. “Eh, who cares about typos! It was written by Goraidh’s grandma, I think it’s amazing a simple peasant could write at all. But where are the measures? How much is a curtesy of water? Or how many strawberries should I use?” He shook his head in frustration. “If the healers made their potions and poultices like this, no one would survive them.”

“I agree.” Zevran’s couldn’t help grinning at Airam’s righteous indignation. “It is good then, that I joined you, no? We will make two cakes, and take detailed notes as we go and make a proper recipe. What say you, hm?”

“It was meant to be a surprise,” Airam said with a sigh. “But since that obviously failed – yes, you can join me.”

“I am honoured to stand by your side in this challenge,” Zevran said with a deep bow. “Allow me to prepare myself first, however.” He pulled off his shirt, then took a pair of aprons that were near the oven and put one on. “I heard the stains from strawberries are terribly difficult to wash out,” he explained nonchalantly, as he handed the other one to Airam.

“How’s your dough?” Zevran peeked over Airam’s shoulder to see how he was doing. “Did it improve when you added water?”

“It’s not a heap of crumbles anymore. Now it’s a semiliquid sticky goo.” Airam lifted his hands, covered in a thick mass and slowly dripping back into the bowl. “I guess one cup of water was too much. Yours?”

“I added two more handfuls of flour, and it’s getting better. I think. Do you think I should another extra egg?” Zevran lifted his ball of dough closer to Airam. His lover dutifully glanced at it and shrugged.

“How many extra eggs did you put in it? It looks much bigger than mine. And much more yellow.”

“Let me see…” Zevran checked the paper with his notes. “By now, I’ve used five handfuls of flour, five eggs, a tablespoon of saffron, two dishes of butter and about half cup of water.”

Airam frowned. “You basically doubled everything in the recipe. And you used half the water I did. Which means…”

“Which means we will have not two but at least six strawberry cakes.”

They burst into laughter.

Airam grabbed a dishcloth and wiped his hands on it. “Ewww. I hate to admit it, but baking apparently isn’t one of my strong points. I suggest using yours and starting on the filling.”

“You’re the chef,” Zevran said with a wink. He divided the ball in two and handed one to Airam. “Make it thin and tender as you may.”

“Right.” Airam took the bowl with his failed attempt at dough and looked around. The whole table was full of bowls and glasses, spoons and spatulas, packs with flour and sugar and other ingredients and at least seven dishcloths in various degrees of dirtiness. “Wow. I never knew baking was this messy,” he said with a chuckle, as he finally put the bowl with the dough on one of the chairs. “Now, the rolling pins… I think I saw them over there.” He opened one of the cupboards and scanned the surprisingly few dishes that still remained in there. “Yes, here they are.”

Zevran pushed all the currently unnecessary things to one side of the table to give them a little space. This at least should be easy – what could go wrong rolling a ball of dough into a thin circle?

“I think something’s wrong with this dough,” Airam said after a moment. “Look.” He lifted his rolling pin, the dough sticking to it like a tattered flag of defeat.

He wanted to reply that his was fine, but when he tried to lift the rolling pin, half of the dough followed, while the other half remained glued to the table. “It’s the wood,” he said sagely, as he scraped it with his knife. “It’s too sticky, yes? Let’s put some flour on it, maybe it will help.”

Three handfuls later, and the dough was finally rolled into two thin circles that didn’t stick at all. Victory! But they should’ve used more saffron, because the dough wasn’t such a pretty yellow anymore. Oh well. That was an unimportant detail, yes?

After a few tries, they transferred the circles of dough into the pans. They had to press it in with their hands, and after some discussion, they decided to cut off the extra bit that was sticking out. Ha! Baking wasn’t so difficult at all they agreed, as they cut the strawberries. The recipe didn’t mention it, but they decided to season them first, before putting them into the pans. Since they couldn’t agree on seasonings – except for sugar - each was preparing his own version. They’d vote on which tart tasted better.

There was no doubt in Zevran’s mind which one would win: surely his combination of ginger and red wine would be far more delicious than Airam’s sweet, childishly innocent combination of rosewater and cinnamon.

Finally all was ready, and they poured their mixtures into the prepared pans. Airam opened the oven – and cursed.

“We forgot to light the fire!”

He looked so miserable, Zevran pulled him into a hug and kissed him. Rosewater and cinnamon… not bad, he had to admit, as he kissed him again. Not bad at all.

“Don’t worry, amore,” he said when they broke the kiss. “That is something we can easily fix, no? Give me just a moment and I will light a fire that would make an Archdemon proud.”

“It will take forever till the oven is hot enough,” Airam said, unconvinced.

“Ah, but we could use the time for… other activities.”

“Yes, we should.” Airam sighed. “All right, then. I’ll do the dishes. You clean the floor.”

Brasca.

“Done,” Zevran declared as he wrung out the rag and threw it aside in disgust. The next time Airam decided to get up in the middle of the night, he decided, as he stretched his back, he’d roll over and let him go. Let his crazy mage have these night adventures without him, yes?

“Me too,” Airam replied weakly. “Maker’s breath. You know, there were ten of us in the camp – twelve, if you count Bodahn and Sandal – and we didn’t have the luxury of barrels with water-heating glyphs, but I don’t remember ever being so tired after washing up.”

“I don’t remember ever having this many dishes,” Zevran pointed out. “I must say, amore, I don’t see how this is simple or fun.”

“But it will be delicious,” Airam said with a little smile. “The cakes should be ready soon. I hope. The book only says to bake them until they smell good, and they smelled good to me even before we put them in.”

Zevran wasn’t sure he still cared about the cakes, to be honest, but he’d rather be racked than to admit it to Airam. “I am sure-”

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeek!”

They both startled at the high-pitched shriek and turned their heads to the door.

A chubby woman was standing there, eyes and mouth wide open, staring right at Zevran’s posterior.

“I-I-I – I’m sorry, ser!” she yelled, as she turned on her heel and ran out of the kitchen.

“Who was that?” Zevran asked.

“Why, it’s Emily, Goraidh’s assistant; don’t you recognize her?” Airam handed him his shirt. “Better put it on. But, why she would be here in the middle of the night, I have no idea.”

“She was here because it’s four-thirty,” a rather furious voice said.

Fereldans. Never bothered with knocking. Just because the door was wide open, it didn’t mean they could simply enter the room, no? Zevran crossed his arms and glared at the short redhead in the doorframe. Goraidh glared right back.

“She always bakes fresh bread and buns for your breakfast at this time,” the chef continued. “But why you are parading around half-naked in here, I don’t understand. Why – Maker’s breath.” His eyes widened as he noticed something on the wall. “Is that blood? What were you doing in here?”

Blood? What was the fool blabbering about? Zevran followed his gaze. There, on the wall near the oven, was a wide, bright red smear. How in the Void had it gotten there?!

“No, it’s just strawberries,” Airam said, shuffling his feet.

“Strawberries?”

“Yes, we – it’s Zevran’s birthday, so I wanted to make him a cake – it’s all my fault,” Airam explained. ��But now that you’re here, I think it’s best to leave the rest to you. All right?” He took Zevran’s hand and led him to the door. “And, um, I’d appreciate if you kept this between us…. Oh. I guess not, then.”

Emily was back, followed by what looked like every maid in the fortress, blushing and giggling. Zevran chuckled and sent them an air kiss, which caused more giggling – and a sharp nudge in the ribs from Airam.

They missed breakfast. They got up just in time for the midmorning snack, but decided to miss that too. Airam thought it was better to let the Wardens gossip and laugh first before they walked down. Zevran didn’t mind gossip – but he didn’t mind having Airam all for himself, either. Mornings off were rather rare for his Warden Commander and the Arl, and Zevran was determined to use every moment of it. What better birthday present could he wish for?

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. With a frustrated sigh, he got up, put on a robe, and opened the door. A blushing maid was standing there, holding a huge tray with a covered dish.

“Your brunch, ser,” she squealed when she saw him, and pushed the tray into his arms. “Happy Birthday, ser!” And without waiting for thanks, she bolted down the corridor.

Zevran laid the tray on the desk and removed the lid. There was a strawberry tart with whipped cream, and a note.

“Happy Birthday,” it read.

P.S. Next time you bake, grease and flour the pan. It will allow you to actually serve the tarte when it’s done.

P.S.2 Saffron. Spice. Pinches. You get it?

P.S.3 Never again enter my kitchen without my supervision.

Yours faithfully,

Goraidh Mair

Chef of the Grey

#DAO #Zevran Arainai #Airam Surana #Ice&Leather #venti's writing

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