#I hate people who thrive off making me feel irrelevant

[jujutsu-headcanons]

Gojo Satoru general headcanons

Let's get one thing clear: this man is absolutely chaotic. He is always full of energy. His energy levels never reach below 50%. He is loud and proud, always running, and never takes a minute to relax.

Do not give him Monster. Shoko did that once and it took her forever to get him off the ceiling. Also, avoid caffeine. Shoko replaces his normal coffee with decaf and he still hasn't noticed the difference. Keep it that way.

He was the class clown when he was younger. He wasn't exactly a trouble maker, but he may as well be. I cannot word that sentence and I am sorry. Next.

All of his teachers assumed he never listened in class, so they always called in him when they thought he wasn't paying attention. It still shocked them every time he rattled off the correct answer.

Not only did he answer the question correctly, but he could also explain his reasoning behind the answer, and if it was multiple choice, explain why the other answers were wrong. 

This tall man child would march up to the board and absolutely fill it to the brim with work, turn around, drop the chalk-like a mic drop and walk back to his desk with the smuggest look on his face.

That doesn't mean he did the work tho

Idk how schools in japan work but we all know schools in America only care about the amount of work you do and not what you actually know so we'll use that for the sake of the headcanon: he had straight D's bc he never turned in his work

Despite not doing the work snd goofing off, teachers actually really liked him

A lot of people liked him and he was super popular, but he still felt alone

Fake friends, you know how that works, he didn't meet any real friends until he became a shaman

Clean freak. This dude actually makes his bed. He scrubs his bathroom twice a week. His desk can get cluttered but he straightens up once a week. He's not exactly a germaphobe because

He cannot respect your personal space and that's actually canon but let me take it a step further 

He's a slapper. Especially when he laughs. It doesn't hurt, it's playful dw. He hugs you from behind especially when he's cold. He picks you up and carries you around. He will grab your wrist, arm, or hand and lead you around even if you're following him. He lays his legs across you or lays across your lap. Puts his head on your shoulder. Platonic cuddling between friends is mandatory. He's just so hands-on it's ridiculous.

Unless you explicitly tell him you're uncomfortable he won't stop

Don't worry, if you aren't in that type of relationship, your no-no square is safe. Except, if you seem chill, he will slap your ass regardless of friendship status. His ass is also slappable. You can't tell me Geto and Gojo didn't run around slapping each other asses, okay

He was weird and scrawny as a child. He didn't start beefing out until he started training to be a shaman and he's still kinda smaller than most beefy boys

He can pick you up and throw you around easily. He carried around a 170 pound Yuji like a sack of potatoes and can easily carry around three times that weight

It's amazing he's so tiny because you remember 2014 Shane Dawson making all of those wack ass desserts that was just s pile of chaos wrapped in chocolate?

He can eat every last bite of one of those monstrosities without getting a stomach ache, gaining weight, or dying basically

He knows bc Yuji dared him to do it

He has really cold hands and feet

He sounds old. Let me elaborate. He's constantly cracking his joints. They also creak when he moves. He complains about body pains like he's 80 y/o

He also shares wisdom with the kids as if he's actually 80 y/o

It's irrelevant advice that doesn't make sense but is also useful. Megumi can't count the number of times he's asked Gojo for feedback on his technique but had been told to remember to chew 40 times or never go to bed angry

Starts off sentences with "now son" and "when I was your age"

He uses his blindfold as a headband when he wants his hair out of his face. He also uses headbands as... Headbands... When he wants to wear sunglasses but get his hair out of his face

He owns so many pairs of sunglasses but he always wears the same pair

He's only bought a handful of them himself, most of them are gifts

No one knows what to get him for Christmas or his birthday bc he has everything, so they resort to sunglasses

His favorite pair is a pair that Shoko and Geto bought him as a gag. He thought they were dead serious, though, so he wore them around for a month

They were heart-shaped, rose-tinted glasses

Can you believe this man doesn't use any gel or anything to keep his hair spiky with the blindfold on? It just naturally defies gravity when the blindfold is on

Tell this man he's pretty because he already knows. He's narcissistic but not the cringy kind

Photogenic as hell. Takes great pictures from any angle. 

He gives everyone a different story as to why he covers his eyes. Sometimes he says it's because his eyes are too pretty and are a distraction. Sometimes he says it's because the sunglasses/bandages/blindfold look cooler than his eyes. Sometimes he says it's to protect the six eyes from seeing things he doesn't want to see. The world may never know

He's tried covering his whole face before, but he thinks he's too pretty for that. He at least wants one of his many amazing features to be shown at all times.

So about his driver's license;

He knows how to drive. He can be a good driver. When he wants to be. He just doesn't have a driver's license.

Now he TELLS people he just never got around to getting one, however, there's a rumor he lost it due to too many parking tickets

It's amazing the only tickets he's ever gotten have been from that and once he got caught without a seatbelt; he would have gotten out of that one if he hadn't been flirting with the police officer so bad

This doesn't stop Gojo from driving places though

He steals Ijichi's car a LOT and Ijichi DOESN'T KNOW HOW like??? The windows are never broken and it doesn't look hotwired-

Gojo has a key

You're not even supposed to be able to duplicate car keys but Gojo did 

Also; none of the first-year trio knows he doesn't have a driver's license, though that much should be painfully obvious

He whips around corners, speeds up at yellow lights, goes "watch this" and does a donut, it's just a mess

The poor students have to sit in the backseat too. Just imagine Megumi with all three seatbelts around him like that one meme.

He thrives off of Nobara and Yuji screaming from the backseat, and he can see Megumi being smooshed because he thought the middle seat was the safest through the rearview mirror

Which he doesn't even need because of the six eyes

Despite being such a reckless driver, he knows when danger will happen, so he's never once gotten in a wreck

He blasts the radio, which makes up for the driving.

Has a habit of getting in a car and ending up in the McDonalds drive-thru

Steals other people's fries and keeps the fullest one for himself.

He was rebellious as a kid and teenager, but hey, at least his juvie record is sealed 

He's been detained and in the back of a cop car many times, but the reason was never really bad enough for him to be arrested. Mostly he's just being mouthy. And the time he got caught spray painting on the side of a building. And that one time he and Getou hopped the fence to get into the local pool. And that other time-

It got worse after Getou wasn't around to get him out of trouble. Suddenly, breaking the rules wasn't fun anymore and he mellowed out. 

Tried alcohol and cigarettes before he was legal. Decided neither was his thing, however, he did start drinking occasionally when he was legal.

He's a fucking chaotic drunk. Oh my god he's absolutely feral

Most bars in the vicinity know him by name and they sigh whenever he walks in

Shoko is his emergency contact. She hates it

Shoko has to drag drunk Gojo home at least twice a month and is not happy about it

Once she left him in an alley. He made it home okay so she guesses it's fine

Once he got so drunk he spilled beer on his sock. The thought the fastest way to dry them was by sticking them in the microwave. Forgot about it until someone asked, "Who the fuck is cooking socks???"

I feel it important he was in the break room of the local grocery store and no one knows how he got there

As he was escorted out he stole a grocery cart and rode away in it while singing Don't Threaten Me (With A Good Time) by Panic! At The Disco

He has no alcohol tolerance at all what so ever

He will literally just stare at you and giggle

It's funny he's really flirty but also doesn't seal the deal. Literally, every woman in that bar is willing to get in his bed but he declines every offer. No one knows why

Its because he respects women

He helps his students break the rules as long as they're within reason. Once night Yuji was really hungry and after having a temper tantrum he couldn't order Uber eats bc the school is supposed to be secret Gojo helped sneak him out to get food. Who needs curfew anyway.

The shirts in his closet range from like twenty bucks to the iconic rich bitch shirt the kids ruined in that one chapter we all know the one 

He still wears that by the way, he calls it "art" 

When he was younger, Megumi drew a picture of Gojo being eaten by his shadow dogs. Gojo found it and now it's framed in his room.

He keeps up with current trends and memes like no one's business. This is how he bonds with his kids.

Don't call him old, but also, he'll tell you to respect your elders it's a mess

He has a lot of games on his phone. You can usually find him holding his phone sideways playing some RPG game he probably spent too much money on 

He did hop on the Pokemon Go hype train but after becoming overpowered he got bored

This happens to a lot of games. He pays way too much money, gets to be the strongest in the server, and gets bored

He likes games where you can kill other people's troops and likes to watch as they lose all their power

I canon him as being borderline sadistic

This is why he's Sakata Gintoki reincarnated

White hair, sweet tooth, black leather clothes, dad vibes, never takes anything seriously bc when he does he's scary as fuck, the works.

He is Sakata Gintoki

He liked Gintama growing up. He watched a lot of iconic shows as they aired. He considers himself an og

He's hella bilingual

Because he's the strongest he goes overseas for missions a lot. Because of this he speaks a lot of languages and knows a lot about international cuisine 

He takes pictures of himself eating disgusting foods like snails. He never likes them but he loves the idea of Nobara gagging back in japan

Has paperwork sitting untouched on his desk from three months ago that he will not touch for at least another three months

Does the crossword puzzles in the newspaper every week

Uses humor as a coping mechanism and it honestly just became a personality

Constantly popping his joints. I'm sorry if you find this gross I too find it gross.

Probably brought home every stray animal he ever met ever until he was at least like 22 y/o

Tags: @wasabito @kittaliapenn

#jjk #jjk spoilers #jjk headcanons #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen headcanons #jujutsu kaisen spoilers #gojo satoru #satoru gojo #jjk gojo #jjk satoru #gojo headcanons #gojo satoru headcanons

[hopeshoodie]

why dont you like Harry?

Lmao I JUST had this rant at Aly, and I feel like I’ve made this list before but can’t find the post.

So I’ll preface by saying I think Harry is the third most attractive boy in S3 (Tai and then Nicky taking the first and second spots respectively), and I originally paired with him before leaving for AJ then Yasmin then Lily. So I didn’t come in a hater. But he sure made me one.

So here are the reasons I Hate Harry More Than Any Other LITG Character (and I’ll exclude headcanons and only address his canon storylines)

From the jump, Harry makes a poorly executed sex joke as his very first exchange with MC. If she doesn’t laugh, he bristles as if MC’s the one who made it awkward. I totally would’ve forgiven him for it if he’d blushed and been like ‘that did not land as well as I thought it would’ or ‘oof, sounded better in my head’ (tbh that’s why I don’t hold any of Miles’ bad jokes against him, because he recognizes they’re bad). But he didn’t, and that gave me the immediate ick.

He talks about college like it’s an inconvenience, which makes me so mad because it’s such a PRIVILEGE to be able to attend university. This is coming from someone who nearly dropped out and HATED uni, but I still recognize the important of it and respect the hell out of other students. Harry instead uses it as an excuse, the thing stopping him from making money right now, but like… If that’s what it is for you then drop out and make your money. Lily’s a student too, and you can see the passion and respect she talks about her studies with. I just think it’s a shitty perspective to have, and super tone deaf of Harry to voice when he’s surrounded by some people who couldn’t/didn’t go to school.

My BIGGEST issue with Harry is that at multiple points, he talks about different business ideas he has, but he makes it very clear that he’s not 100% into any specific business and isn’t passionate about the thing itself. I hate that so much, the type of Business Boy grifter who just latches onto whatever industry he thinks can make him money. Like he has no passion for the underlying product or service, he just wants to be in charge of it. I think it’s a dumb business move because it always ends in overselling and not representing the product well, and I think it’s an annoying personality trait because I want to hear about THINGS not the ‘big picture strategy’. Like if Harry had been like ‘I’m into marketing psychology, it doesn’t really matter what I’m selling’ I would’ve respected that, but he’s not. It just sounds like he has no skills and no plans other than step 1 ???? step 2 profit.

He's the most vocal about the prize money of all the LIs. I thought this was setting him up for a player!bobby esque storyline, but honestly the fact that it wasn’t makes it more irritating. If he was going to steal the money I’d respect it, but instead he just brings it up multiples times in earnest and then is genuinely upset if MC also says the prize money is important to her. He does that at multiple points, like if MC pretends to sell him to the *gagging sound* shiny demon. He’s super capitalist, but if MC is too he thinks she’s a gold digger. Why are broke men always concerned about gold diggers.

Similar to Miles/Jasper, Bill and Harry get into dumb arguments about irrelevant things. This is minor, but still a knock against Harry because he SEES that Bill thrives off of 'debates' and has clearly researched topics ahead of time, but still has the arrogance to think that he knows better and takes the bait to argue.

The shirt he gives to MC, his favorite T-shirt, says ‘comfort is the enemy of progress’. Which a) is such a hustle culture thing to say, which I am personally diametrically opposed to b) is LAUGHABLE considering Harry constantly talks about being rich and partying and gaming, like bro you think you’re not leading a comfortable life? It’s just such a privileged position to be like ‘you have to be UNCOMFORTABLE to be innovative’ as if all the people in poverty and struggling are able to innovate instead of just trying to survive. Very Of Walden for Harry to say. And c) is his FAVORITE?! TSHIRT?!!! Like I could get a shirt that he likes, but he could’ve picked a shirt with sentimental value, or one with a logo with a backstory, but no his FAVORITE SHIRT is one you can get from any mall kiosk. Granted the other boys (I’ll give Camilo and AJ a pass because at least theirs are sweet/goofy) did the same, but mixed with points A and B I can’t forgive Harry for this.

In Boat Party, all of the other Lis have pretty legitimate arguments with MC that center around personality or communication conflicts. Harry’s conflict, and I’m not exaggerating, is literally this: MC says she feels like he’s not spending enough time with her. He says he’s busy with school and networking. She points out that’s not true because he spend all his free time gaming (which, relatable, but I don’t have a significant other to answer to like he does). He retorts that the online gaming he’s playing is ranked online with friends, so it’s a priority. And that’s it. He’s willing to completely ignore his girlfriend’s emotional needs because the game he’s playing is ranked. That’s just… So incredibly selfish and not at all self-aware. Granted I didn’t play the rest of Boat Party with him, so maybe there’s a moment when he says ‘I’m sorry, gaming just is an escape for me and I didn’t realize how much it took over my life’, but anything short of that is Shitty.

#final trash dump

[colorisbyshe]

Tbh I’ve only seen jjk and I don’t know anything about Yuta but I think Yuuji is the weakest link in the series. Hell, even in the shonen genre, which isn’t exactly known for its complex characters and moral nuance. Comparing him to other protagonists, he’s bland, one-dimensional and unremarkable, which is Bad because he’s THE MAIN CHARACTER, he should be the most interesting of the bunch and yet most characters overshadow him.

Ehhhhhhhh.

I think he's an extremely likeable character.

But I think he shares issues that a lot of shounen protags (or even protags outside of manga) have: he's meant to be a likeable vessel to show a bigger story.

Lots of stories effectively make protagonists as idealized self inserts that are meant to sort of just be receiving the story and showing off the "unique" worldbuilding. Where even when they're actively participating and making choices, they're just there to lead you to and from other characters backstories, major events, and other people's machinations.

And because they are these sort of bumbling "If you were great but also deeply relatable to this audience" leads, they aren't allowed to have real flaws or controversial convictions. So the issues end up being much broader than the protag--the story lacks themes.

Like... so much of the themes (at least in early JJK, idk about later on) in this series are just "Killing is bad... unless you have to do it to save people" (not controversial), "Protecting your friends is good" (fucking duh), and "Clan systems can be a place of exploitation and alienation" (can be good but is largely irrelevant to Itadori himself, so he's not saying anything that could alienate the viewers).

And a lot of the surrounding cast ends up also being self inserts for those who may not relate to Yuuji, so there's a major piece of the cast full of people with convictions that are not controversial or thought provoking and then some villains who MAY say something thought provoking but they do them so evilly that it becomes a bit of a moot point. People who hate what they say will be vindicated by how evil they are. And people who like it/have their thoughts provoked by it can go, "Yeah, maybe they're right about some things, but the protag isn't wrong to go against them." There's no rocking the boat.

SOoooo, in JJK's case, Yuuji's EXTREMELY likeability with some quirky flaws (he's stupid but that's relatable to a teen boy audience who might also feel they're stupid) is part of a larger problem where nothing about hte story really... has any real life symbolic value. It's just likeable and unlikable people fighting. Without saying anything that fucking matters.

If you replace Yuuji with Megumi or Yuta or Maki or even fucking Mai or Panda or even more (within the context of JJK) "thoughtful" cahrcaters like Gojo... the end product is always gonna be an empty protag. Because the real issue is this series is afraid of saying anything besides like "Annihilating all humans is bad actually" and "Maybe the clan systems aren't great but also all the great bloodlines sure do produce great students," so you'd just end up with Emo Protag or ~Crazy protag instead of Happy Protag.

While the plot wheels just keep spinnin.

And on some level that's fine. JJK takes itself both too seriosuly and not seriously enough but it's clear it's not really meant to be that profound. I won't call it an obvious cash grab or wholly unoriginal but it's quite, quite clear to me that it has no pretense about just being entertainment with like... slightly darker themes and visuals.

It's PG 13 content. That's meant to be serialized until it's not profitable anymore. It was never gonna be allowed to thrive iwth depth so it never really tried in the first place.

It's the asme reason why 90% o f the Naruto cast ended up being more interesting than Naruto outside of his derangedness. He was allowed to be an interesting protag for like 200 chapters until that would've gotten int he way of serialization. JJK is just skipping hte 200 chapters of pretending to be anything else.

See also: Both series are the consequences of aping content without fully understanding why the content was good to begin with.

#jjk blogging

[nostuntmanneeded]

The tip that was sent a few weeks ago about their teams giving up at selling and making this relationship look real and the purpose of this all is to simply give her what she wants and get that exposure she was --and still is-- so desperate for. The recent posts was so sloppy, it was obvious that they either got the idea from blogs talking about Spain and how they haven't been active lately and it was posted on yet again, a weekend, same old pattern and people have caught on to it and they don't seem to care. It's like they just want to gey this over with and give her what she wanted all along, the attention and exposure which people are willingly giving her, most of the time without even being prompted. I'm not trying to shade anyone or anything like that, people say she's irrelevant and all that and yet you're making her relevant by dissecting everything and blowing everything out of proportion.

I understand wanting to discuss about the things related to PR but I seriously don't get the need to make a fuss about everything like the whole theory about the car from the P&T set. I don't even get it sometimes how people come up with these theories like 'Omg she's in a car, and there was a car on the set too..she was on set!!' 'Woah she posted a selfie with a book on the table and a polaroid picture (you can barely see unless you zoom real good and even then you still can't see what'a exactly in the picture) yikes she's making us believe it's Seb!!!!!'. I just don't get the logic sometimes, I am fully aware that she baits a lot and is attention seeker, but I just feel like people go overboard sometimes to the extent that it's starting to seem obssessive, just like the whole mess about the photographer. She's so irrelevant and some nobody to me, I'm here in this blog for other things so I really don't care about what she eats and her poor excuse of a career, you're only making her more relevant with the attention you're giving her. The way i see it, a photographer whom she did a shoot with, talked to her and decided to post a throwback. People do it all the time not even just photographers lol, sometimes people bumps into an old friend while on a walk, recalls memories with that person and post pictures pn social media, so really, don't sweat it. No need to waste such time and energy on an attention seeking nobody, let her stay that way. Don't engage, it'll only stress you out and mess with your mind. Take a walk, read a book, take a breather, minimize your stress and avoid the things that cause you stress and prioritize your well being.

This, all of this!

I'm not hating on people who have been stressed about these things, because again, it's normal and valid to feel this way.

But as I've said before, it's important to know that teams feed off of public reaction and they thrive when people are in a vulnerable, worried or super curious state. Too much speculation results in these kinds of things.

[nanagoswife]

For You? Always.

Chapter Three

Summary: You see an old family friend and some old memories are brought up.

W/C: 2.5k

Warnings: Mention of cheating

<<Previous, Next>>

As you had hoped, Ben had not come to work. That meant he had stayed with his mother.

Siara, like you predicted, was perfectly fine on her own. She joked around that being on her own was actually better.

That would be true if she wasn't such a social butterfly. This meant she wasn't able to work alone for too long of a time. Even during those few days, she would come up to your office. Rarely to do actual work. 

It was the third day, and you knew that it was going to be a day. The day where you would find out whether he’s coming back, or needing some more time.

Your question was about to be answered as you looked up to see Ben, lightly knocking on your door frame.

Getting up, you prepared for any news that was about to be said.

“So?”

“She’s cancer free. It was just a bacterial growth, thank the stars.” He said this with a big smile. 

Not only did his smile make you happy, but the news was great.

“That’s fantastic news! Go enjoy the rest of your day. It’s the end of the week, so start your weekend early. Siara was going to leave early anyways.”

He nodded and started to walk away before he paused.

“Would you like to come to dinner tonight? My mom and I are celebrating before she gets the removal surgery. Also, it’s my way of saying thank you. For... that night.” He said this almost shyly, his smile mirroring this.

Even though you weren’t expecting the question, you weren’t very surprised, either. Joy filled you at the thought of it. 

“Of course. Where shall I meet you?”

“There’s a small restaurant not far from here. A couple of blocks over.”

“Are you talking about Rick’s?”

Ben smiled and nodded.

“I haven’t been there in so long. I wonder how Rick and his family are doing," you said, partially to yourself.

“Wait, wait. You know Rick?” He looked at you with astonishment. “My mom and I have always wanted to meet him but we never have the time.” His eyes lit up at that.

“Yeah. My father is close friends with him. I basically grew up knowing him. I can introduce you two to him tonight if you’d like.”

Excitement filled Ben’s eyes as he nodded quickly, a big smile on his face. He looked almost like a kid who found out they were going to Disneyland. There was something about it that made you feel fondness toward him.

Before he left, you set a time to be there.

-

To your delight, the rest of the day went by quickly, though you still worked a bit later.

You only stopped at your house to drop off your work bag before heading over to Rick's.

Not only were you excited to see Rick again, but you were excited to meet Ben’s mom too. Though you hadn’t known him, properly, for long, you considered Ben to be a close friend. 

Coming up to the front of the restaurant, you were greeted by the familiar face of Ben, who was waiting outside for you.

You waved hello to the waiter at the front who was one of Rick's sons, and followed Ben to their table. There you saw his mother who grew a smile as you walked towards her.

“Momma, meet, I guess, one of my bosses,” he said followed with a little laugh.

Extending your hand for a shake, she took it and obliged but held it for a moment, bringing her other hand over it.

“It’s very nice to meet you, dear. I’m Amelia. Obi failed to mention your beautiful looks.” Your cheeks flushed red at the compliment.

Not only did you think the nickname was adorable, but you found you were right about his accent. His mother had a very prominent English accent.

Looking at Ben, he looked very embarrassed, rubbing the back of his head with his own blush spreading his cheeks.

“Oh Obi calm down. You can’t tell me that I’m wrong. Anyways, dear, come sit.” Amelia had a tone that was hard to say no to.

Before any servers came over, the three of you talked. Amelia had fascinating stories, most from when she still lived in London, England. Some were also from Scotland, where she met Ben's father.

Listening to her, you were filled with awe and wonder as she told stories about her childhood and how she met Ben’s father. Her description of everything in London was all you ever hoped it could be. Seeing pictures was never enough. 

Breaking your attention, you heard a familiar voice, “Rosebud!”

A smile grew on your face when you looked to see Rick in his usual dress clothing with only an apron over top. Quickly, you got up and hugged him.

Growing up, he was like your uncle, or your third parent. So seeing him now was like being reunited with a close family member that you hadn’t seen in months.

“How’ve you been, Rick? How’s the family?”

He laughed, "Oh you know us. Great as always. The wife was a little worried when we didn't hear anything from you these last months."

“I’m sorry I haven’t even been able to get here. It’s been pretty busy.”

“No need for an apology, kiddo. You’re a busy woman who’s always welcome to our home any time, like always.” You smiled at each other as you were once again greeted by a familiar face.

Then, you remembered the reason you were here in the first place.

Turning, you made a small gesture towards the other two.“Rick, this is my friend, Ben and his mom Amelia.”

They stood up and Rick greeted them both with a warm, friendly introduction and handshake.

In all your life, you have never heard of Rick being anything but friendly. Like most people you knew, he was a people person. If he didn’t have anybody to tell stories to, no one knows what he’d do. Not even his wife. This restaurant was the perfect outlet for him and it thrived because of him.

After taking our orders, Rick pulled up a chair and told some stories. Some were from when you were very young, and the worst of them were embarrassing stories from when you were a teenager.

It was relatively fine until he told the story about your prom night, when you had been ditched by your then boyfriend, who you caught with another girl in the hallway that night. He told them how you had nowhere else to go, so you went to him for support. 

This story would be fine being told to any almost anyone else. Not necessarily when it was the man that you, what you recently realized, harboured a crush on and his mother who you had just met.

Well, this was one way for Ben to learn what he had missed so many years ago.

That day changed a lot. It not only brought you closer to Rick, but it broke you so badly that you hadn’t dated since. You had always thought he was the one. Well, it started to waver due to something a month before prom, but that was irrelevant.

You didn't know that you were lost in thought until you were broken out of your trance when you felt a hand on your shoulder. You also hadn’t realized that your eyes started to well up with tears when Rick comforted you.

“Yes. That night was not easy for anybody, especially her. But look at you now, Rosebud. Ever since the day I first saw you with your rosy cheeks, trying to grab a rose from my rose bush, I saw you going somewhere. And you blew that thought away, becoming greater than your parents and I would have ever expected. And you still do.”

Those words made your tears go from sadness, to happiness as you hugged Rick tightly with a large smile.

“Though you were a family friend, to me, you were like a third parent. Always being there to turn to when my parents weren’t an option.” You said this, still in a tight hug with Rick.

After a few moments, you sat back properly in your seat. You wiped the tears from your face. Shifting your gaze over to Ben, he showed a comforting smile. Sitting beside him, you thought, was one of the best scenarios at this moment.

“I hate to break up a party, but I see your food and I should make sure they don’t burn down the building,” Rick said sarcastically, giving you a hug goodbye after handing you a napkin to dry your tears.

He said bye to the other two and when he walked away, you felt a bit awkward. He had just told so much about you that you never thought would be brought up ever again. Not for a while, anyways.

Ben looked over at you and saw your bittersweet smile and rested a hand on your arm for comfort. Almost like a few nights ago.

Though you tensed up at first, you relaxed at his gentle touch. There was something about it that just felt right.

Finally, you were saved by the sight of food being carried to the table. Ben pulled his hand away quickly, and you saw a flush of red fill his cheeks. Amelia chuckled quietly.

During the meal, you carried a few conversations that helped you forget the awkwardness. On more than one front.

When you were done, the waiter, another of Rick’s sons, Jacob, told you that the meal was on the house. Thanking him and giving him a hug, you all got up and walked out of the restaurant. Though the night air was quite cool, it was refreshing.

“Well, Obi," Amelia started after walking a little down the street, "thank you for tonight. And thank you for delighting us with your company. It was a pleasure meeting you.” Amelia said this all with a smile. “I’ll leave you two alone.”

Before Ben could offer to walk her home she waved him off and walked away.

"I am perfectly able to walk myself home," she called out with her back turned.

Ben sighed in either annoyance or nervousness. You couldn't tell which, but you chuckled. This brought his attention to you, eyebrow raised in question.

“Your mom is an amazing woman. Very strong,” he met your gaze when you said that. Staring into your eyes he smiled, making you feel slightly weak at the sight.

“Would you mind if we went back to the park? I don’t know what it is about that place, but it’s overly peaceful and I quite enjoyed it.”

You couldn’t help but smile and nod.

Seeing a small glint in his eyes, he offered you his arm. Without thinking, you wrapped your arm around his and you started down the road together, heading towards the park. 

The feeling of your arm wrapped through his made you smile to yourself. You loved how comfortable it made you feel.

"I- I'm sorry to hear about what- about everything that happened," Ben said as the two of you drew closer to the park.

You looked at the ground, "Yes, well, those last couple of months weren't the best. Classes were boring without you always quizzing our teachers." Both of you laughed as you lightly poked your elbow into his side.

"It was fun seeing them stumble to find the answers, wasn't it?"

You chuckled, "You really gave them a run for their money."

The two of you laughed the rest of the way to the park. You weren't going to mention the cafe yet.

Walking down the dirt path always filled you with a sense of comfort. Now, with Ben at your side, you felt it even more. Not only did you feel comfort, but he gave you a sense of security as well. Almost as if he would never let you fall, and if you did, he’d catch you.

Reaching the patch of grass, he guided you down, which was unnecessary but still appreciated. The two of you sat and watched the last of the daylight as it faded to darkness, filling the time with conversation. 

“May I ask something?” Ben said after a few moments of silence.

“Sure,” you answered while also nodding.

“Your last boyfriend, before the day of prom, how long were you two together for? I never really knew.”

Although the topic was sensitive to you, you didn’t want to keep anything from him. “Four years. We started dating four years before that day.”

Ben’s reaction was one of shock.

“I thought he was the one. When I looked back, I noticed how he had started distancing himself in the last year of that. Everyone in school, even the girl I caught him with, was shocked that he did that. To everyone, we were high school sweethearts.”

Ben looked almost like he had been finding out in the same moment it had happened.

He glanced over at you and smiled, making you feel the small bit of pain wash away. Then, he looked up to the sky, taking in a deep breath and stayed silent for another few moments.

“Can I tell you something that I just need to get off of my chest.” he suddenly said.

You looked over at him, watching as he gathered himself before meeting your eyes.

“I’m just going to be straight up. I like you. And you have no idea how much of a child I feel like saying this but I like you more than just normal friends.” He quickly looked down at the grass, afraid of what the answer might be.

“Ben-”

“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, I just-”

“Ben! It’s okay.” He looked back up at you as you continued, “I like you too.” You said softly.

Instantly, his eyes lit up, a smile spreading across his face. He breathed an exaggerated sigh of relief, causing you both to laugh. 

What you didn't know was that this was a moment years in the making.

As you both laid down on the grass, you slowly moved your hand to his. Without hesitation, the two of you interlaced your fingers as you held hands. You both looked at each other with smiles on your faces. 

Hating to break the moment, you had to ask the time. He looked at his watch and told you.

“I really am sorry to leave like this, Ben, but I have to go.”

“Before you go, would you like to go to dinner on Monday? Just you and I? I would say tomorrow but I told my mom I’d stay with her.”

You smiled and nodded. A new excitement filled you at the thought.

“I’m going to be working a bit later on Monday, so you’ll have to wait until I’m done.”

Then he came back with something you didn’t expect but it made you feel, something you had never felt. Almost giddy. He said, “For you? Always.” It made your heart skyrocket, leaving the last image of you, for him, smiling from his words.

Next>>

@stardancerluv @jaydenwoo @madmax2003

#obi wan x reader #obi wan kenobi #obi wan x you #obi wan x y/n #fanfic #x reader #ewan mcgregor #modern au #ben kenobi #fluff #obi wan #obi wan fanfiction #obi wan fic #obi wan fluff #obi wan imagine #obi wan kenobi imagine #obi wan kenobi x reader #obi wan kenobi x you #For You? Always.

[aelysianmuse]

SUMMARY: Canon-divergence post-Purgatory fic where Benny decides to meddle, make Cas feel appreciated and Dean jealous enough for them to pull their heads out of their asses and get together once and for all. AO3 LINK.

On the first morning back from Purgatory, Benny learns that comfort zones are where Dean fails to thrive.

Without any imminent threat to Castiel, Dean is quick to leave addressing him as his ‘angel’ behind. Instead, he slips right back into the authoritative ‘Cas’. Lingering touches shift into brief pats, and intense stare-offs turn into avoidant glances when the other one’s not looking.

Right at the very end, before the three of them had found the portal, the tensions between Dean and Castiel were so high that, if he’d left them alone for longer than ten minutes, Benny had half-expected to return to them fucking in a tent.

How they’d gone from that to this, in just a matter of days, beats him.

Either way, if he’s learned anything about them throughout these past couple of months, it’s that both of them are idiots in love. They’re wasting their time pining for each other, when they could be spending it together. It’s only Dean who seems to engage these in self-sabotaging behaviors, and right when he’s at the cusp of having everything that he’s ever wanted.

As he watches the two bicker over unwashed dishes, like a married couple does, Benny takes a sip of his coffee and smirks into the mug. He knows he ain’t much, but he’s a solid meddler. If he can get Dean back to feeling like Castiel being here’s not a guaranteed thing, he thinks he can get him to act on his feelings.

“Game on, brotha.”

1. Benny.

Benny’s in the kitchen when he hears them come back from the case.

Sam’s still unhappy that he’s allowed to stay in the Bunker, even if it’s for a couple of days, but Dean was very firm about it not being up for negotiations. They’ve found a compromise in not letting Benny join them on the hunts. Sam doesn’t trust a vamp, and Benny’s alright with that.

“Benny!” Dean’s voice cuts through the Bunker, loud and clear. “We’re back.”

“Yeah, yeah.” He responds from the other room, taking a couple of minutes to join them by the map table.

He’s carrying two cups of hot tea with him, and he walks over to Castiel’s right, placing one cup in front of himself and the other in front of the angel.

Both Dean and Cas seem to be confused at the gesture, and they’re sporting a matching frown to prove it. Okay, so maybe he’s decided to go a bit bold right at the start, but he’s only got a week so he has to skip a couple of steps.

“Dean said somethin’ about you likin’ honey. I found this guy who’s willin’ to deliver me some top-notch raw one, straight from the honeycomb.” Benny explains. “I reckon it should be good.”

The atmosphere in the room feels awkward for a couple of more seconds. Not a sound is to be heard, but for Castiel’s uncertain “Um.” The angel picks up the cup to taste the honey-laced tea, and all eyes seem to be at him.

Benny can sense Dean brimming with nervous energy.

“I know you don’t drink tea, so I figured you wouldn’t want any. But if ya want—“

“No, no. That’s…it’s fine.” Dean finishes instead of him.

“This is very good, Benny. Thank you.” Castiel offers, once he’s done with the tasting.

“Good. That’s good.” Benny responds with a soft smile. “I know nothin’ about honey, but I wanted to do somethin’ nice. Despite our differences, you had my back in there. So. Thank you.” He finishes, making sure that the expressed gratitude holds enough gravity.

Dean shifts uncomfortably from across the table and Castiel gives him one of those soft smiles he’s only ever seen Dean receive, so he counts it a win. Dean takes notice of it as well so he counts it as a double win.

“Anyway—“ Benny goes on to change the subject. Go easy on him, he thinks. He wants to shake Dean up a bit, but has to be careful not to frighten him completely away. “—Did you take care of that vamps’ nest?”

“It was challenging to track them down at first, but once we found them they didn’t put up much of a fight. I don’t expect for any remains of the nest to not taken care of.” Castiel explains, lowering the cup down to the table.

“Nice.” Benny takes a glance at Dean’s disheveled appearance. A cut here and a blooming bruise there, and then he looks at the angel. Castiel looks like he hasn’t even broken a sweat, taking on those vamps. “You look great for someone who’s just taken down a nest.” He points out, directing the observation at Castiel in particular.

It’s quite entertaining, if you ask him, watching the angel squirm. Castiel clears his throat, clearly picking up from Dean that something’s odd about this exchange, and Benny can almost see the gears shifting in his head as he tries to figure out what a proper response to this situation would be. They haven’t been exactly friendly in Purgatory, and Benny’s mostly used whatever time off from killing they had to tease him mercilessly. He figures this newfound gratitude and exchange of pleasantries between them must be weird as heck.

“Ooo-kay.” Dean is the first one to point it out. “I think I’m gonna go get a shower, now.”

“Yeah, alright, man. Cas here can tell me the rest of the details.”

“Cas?” Dean quirks a brow, not addressing the angel, but rather Benny’s usage of the nickname. Instead of acknowledging that there’s something odd about it and responding, Benny dives straight into questioning Castiel about the case until he hears Dean disappear in the background.

2. Dean.

On his way from the shower, Dean feels off. He knows well enough that it’s got something to do with Benny and Cas, but when he tries to rationalize his feelings, he doesn’t really have a reason to feel wrong about their exchange.

Two of his best friends are getting along, Benny’s given up on the teasing, he’s engaging with Cas, they’re having civil conversations and being nice with each other. It’s good. It’s what he wanted all along, right?

He runs the towel through his hair and enters the room, only to find Cas and Benny leaning into each other and laughing over something they’re discussing.

“I don’t remember there being anything that funny about the case.” He blurts out thoughtlessly, and where the hell did that come from? “Unless you’re talking about decapitation. Then I kinda get it.” Dean attempts to recover.

“Nah, brotha. Cas was just telling me his buddy up there –“ Benny points up with his face. “Benjamin, right?” Cas nods to that. “Here I was, thinking the angels are uptight, but turns out they just have a different social custom there. Once you get into it, they actually have a solid sense of humor.”

“It is true, Dean.” Castiel deadpans and Dean finds him endearing for being as socially inept as ever.

“Alright, you two. Wanna share and elaborate, maybe?” Dean asks, hating the way light annoyance tints his voice. Why does he sound like that? Like a—jealous…thing. Person. Whatever.

“It’s not of import.” Cas says. “I never would have brought it up if Benny hadn’t asked what my favorite things about Heaven are.”

Dean feels something squeeze tight around his heart. He’s never even thought of asking him that. He didn’t even know about this Benjamin, who was apparently among Cas’s favorite people. Hell, he’s been so self-centered that he assumed Cas didn’t even have anyone besides them.

He wants to say that Cas’s favorite things can’t be irrelevant, and they aren’t to him, and that he wants to know. Benny’s faster on the draw.

“I beg to differ. If it’s making you smile like that, it’s important.” Benny drawls, and for a good measure presses a brief touch against Cas’s forearm. Dean feels his stomach lurch at the sight.

It’s even worse that Cas looks all shy and grateful for that declaration, and it makes Dean want to jump out of his skin and put at least five feet of distance between them.

Dean must’ve been glaring daggers, because there’s a sudden shift in the way Cas holds himself. Like a reprimanded child, he moves back from where he was leaning into Benny, and looks worriedly at Dean.

Dean pretends not to notice.

“Sam arrived while you were showering. He said he’ll go sort through the archive. I should go and help him.” Cas gets up from the chair and leaves the room somewhat abruptly. Benny doesn’t seem to find anything odd about it. If he does, he’s as good at pretending as Dean.

When they’re left alone, Dean somehow musters up the courage to ask.

“What was that?” he tries to sound casual.

“What was what?” Benny asks, playing dumb. Or maybe he really doesn’t have any idea what Dean’s talking about, and Dean’s embarrassing himself by being paranoid.

“You, being like that. With Cas.”

“Like what, Dean?” Benny asks and leans back into his chair.

“Like…suddenly interested in anecdotes about his life, all thoughtful and appreciative.” Nice, Dean. If it sounded bad in his brain, it sounds even worse coming straight out of his mouth

“You don’t think Cas deserves someone to be thoughtful and appreciate to him?”

“I didn’t say that.” Dean snaps defensively. “You know what, nevermind. I’m gonna go get some rest, my back’s killing me.” Suddenly, he feels twice as tired, his bones twice as weary.

“Sure thing, man.” Benny responds, not pushing. Dean appreciates that, at least.

When he gets into bed, sleep doesn’t come easy.

3. Dean.

When Benny tells him he’s leaving for Louisiana on Sunday, Dean hates himself for feeling relief. He tells himself it’s because his relationship with Sam has become strained due to Dean’s willingness to fraternize with a vampire.

Five more days doesn’t seem that long, until Benny makes sure that it does.

He and Cas seem to be inseparable, and they’re always smiling and doing things.

Benny seems to be right there, all the time. Whatever Cas is doing, he’s itching to offer a hand. Throughout the week, Dean sees them baking together, playing scrabble, discussing lore, watching Our Planet on Netflix…one day he even sees them doing crafts together. Just for fun, Cas says.

On Friday, there’s a Wendigo in Topeka and Cas doesn’t offer to go with him and Sam.

Instead, he asks “Do you need me to join you?” And he phrases it in a way that Dean reads as ‘if it’s not necessary, I’d prefer to stay here, with Benny”.

So, naturally, Dean says “No.” He makes sure not to linger, so he wouldn’t see Cas’s joy upon hearing the words.

It’s nighttime by the time they return to the Bunker, and Benny and Cas are nowhere to be found. Dean makes sure to check the whole place, and if it takes him too long to knock on the doors of either of their bedrooms, no one has to know. No one answers anyway.

He considers texting one of them, and spends at least two hours mulling over the idea, which turns out to be long enough for the pair to come back from wherever they were. Dean hears them speaking in gentle, hushed tones and though a part of him wants to remain hidden behind the wall, so he can listen in on their conversation without being exposed – a stronger part of him propels him forward to interrupt.

“Hey.” He announces himself, and Cas takes a step back from Benny, stopping mid-sentence when he sees him. Dean’s nails dig into his palm. “I was worried about you-” comes right out of his mouth, the honesty and vulnerability of the admission scaring him. “-you didn’t say where you went.”

“Benny wanted to see the planetarium, so he asked if I’d like to come along.” Cas explains, sounding apologetic.

“I happen to know a thing or two about the stars.” Benny chimes in. “Me and my buddies from old nest used to be pirates.”

“You’re a vampirate?” Dean asks, stunned. Benny chuckles.

“Sure, brotha. If that’s how you wanna call it.”

“I learned a lot about the constellations.” Cas joins in and he seems genuinely excited to share this piece of information. Dean thought he already knew everything that’s to know about this universe, so he finds Cas’s claim that he’s learned something new from Benny odd. What if he wants to stroke his ego, what if—

“So you had fun.” Dean clears his throat, barely managing to tear his gaze away from Cas’s. He looks at Benny instead and shuffles his hands around the pockets somewhat awkwardly. He wishes he could be anywhere but here, but also, he thinks if he’s to leave now, something horrible could happen.

Not the ‘someone might die’ kind of horrible, no. Benny wouldn’t hurt Cas, that much he knows. But Benny could…

It’s a different kind of horrible.

“I’m actually pretty wiped.” Benny says instead of responding to Dean’s question, or well, more of a statement. “You two can catch up – I’m gonna go to my room now. And Cas—“

“Yes.” Cas turns to face him.

“Think about my offer. I mean, take your time but…lemme know.” Benny says and leaves it at that.

Cas doesn’t sleep, and that night neither does Dean.

4. Dean.

When Benny leaves, he decides to take the guns out and clean them. Cas decides to keep him company, in silence.

It probably would’ve been a polite thing of Dean to ask more about their little…date, but Dean doesn’t want to know. So he doesn’t ask. And Cas doesn’t tell.

For thirty minutes of muscle memory work, Dean lets this feeling stir within and gnaw at him. It takes him precisely thirty minutes to ask.

“So. Benny made you an offer?”

“He did.” Cas responds, matter-of-factly. He doesn’t seem too keen to elaborate, at least not without Dean’s further prompting. Dean’s far too curious, so he caves in.

“Can I ask what it is?” He sounds vulnerable, even to himself, and he doesn’t like that Cas picks up on it right away.

“He asked me to go with him to Louisiana, on Sunday.”

Dean doesn’t mean to, but he stops dead in his tracks and lowers the gun he’s holding on the table.

“Like…to visit?” Dean asks, unable to form any coherent thought at the moment.

“No.” Cas responds, gaze avoidant, looking down at his lap. He parts his lips, seemingly to offer further explanation, but ultimately decides against it.

The words he doesn’t say speak louder than the ones he does.

Dean swallows the lump in his throat, and he can feel the fear creep up and take roots in his lungs.

“Well, what did you decide?” he dares to ask. He feels anchored to his seat, paralyzed, and at the same time like he’s floating above and looking down at two of them.

“I told him I’d think about it.” Cas admits and Dean wishes he could refrain from reacting, but he flinches at the admission. When Cas does look up at him, he seems to be looking for Dean to say or do something.

But Dean’s left speechless. Because Cas has to think about it. He’s not sure about whether he wants to stay with Dean or leave, and Dean thinks back to ‘I always come when you call. I do everything that you ask.’

He thinks where along the way he’s screwed up so epically that he hasn’t given Cas reason enough to stay, but made him doubt whether this is where he belongs.

And then he looks back at the past week. At how Benny’s greeted Cas in the mornings, made him breakfast and coffee, and asked him about his life; learned things about him that Dean’s never bothered to in all these years. How Benny’s taken time to spend with him, out of the context of their jobs, and made it all about Cas – and how Dean’s never done that.

Of course, Cas thought about leaving. Of course.

“Well.” Dean swallows. “If you think that’s gonna make you happy…then I’m happy for you.”

Dean’s been selfish enough for a lifetime. With Sam, particularly, but everyone else that he’s ever cared about too. He wasn’t going to do that to Cas.

“Thank you, Dean.” Cas says, and Dean sees his shoulders sag. Whether in defeat or relief, because Dean’s green-lighted the decision, he can’t tell.

They don’t talk for the rest of the night.

5. Dean.

After hours of tossing and turning, Dean gives up on trying to fall asleep.

He gets up and gets into the car. He drives to the nearest open store to pick up stuff for an apple pie. It’s 4 AM and he’s baking, because it’s the only way to distract himself from the anxiety settling low in his belly.

Dean recognizes Cas’s steps when he hears them, and realizes then that he’s been making the pie with him in mind. The fact that Cas will be gone tomorrow makes it that much harder to face him, so Dean’s quick to scribble ‘For you. Hope you like it.’ on a sticky note. He leaves it by the baked good before Cas can find him.

When he comes back to the Bunker, he’s that much more certain that Cas has decided to leave. He doesn’t run into him until much later into the day, but finds a matching sticky note right where he’s left one.

‘Thank you, Dean. It was wonderful. I appreciate it.’ It reads, and Dean takes a sharp inhale to hold in, certain that if he allows himself to exhale right away he’ll crumble into pieces.

By the time sun goes down, it hits Dean that in less than twelve hours Cas will be gone and that he’s wasted what last precious moments he’s had with him on running. Panic settles deep in his bones when Cas joins him in the room, for the first time of the day.

“Hey, stranger.” He decides to speak up first. “Haven’t seen much of you today.” Or Benny, he thinks.

“Yeah.” Cas makes an attempt at a smile, but it falls flat.

“Were you out with Benny?” Dean tries not to make a big deal out of it.

“No. I don’t really know where he is. I just thought you would want some space, so I took a walk.”

“Why would I need space?” Dean frowns.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Cas puts it right out there, raw and unfiltered. Should’ve seen that one coming.

“I wasn’t—“ he starts but fails to defend himself because that’s exactly what he’s been doing. Although, not because he needed space. What Dean needed was to come to terms with what was about to happen. He needed to prepare himself because this time he was given an actual notice. A chance to see it coming and get accustomed to it. Other times, when Cas would disappear for days, he usually did so without any warning or explanation, leaving Dean to wonder what had happened. This time, he at least knew. And understood.

“It’s okay, Dean. I know that things are different here than down there.” Cas finishes for him, and he sounds so understanding, so empathetic, and without holding a single grudge against Dean. It’s like he’d take whatever Dean will throw his way, and Dean feels sick.

“What does that mean?” he asks, and sounds defensive about it, but he knows. He may not fully comprehend all that he’s feeling, but he knows some—enough of it, despite having tried so hard and for so long to push it all down.

“I’m not trying to accuse you of anything, Dean. I’m just saying it’s different when we don’t have all kinds of monsters breathing down our necks, and we don’t know if today will be our last day on Earth.”

“What are you talking about? This gig, this life…we never know—“

“You know what I mean.”

Dean’s lips press together, preventing him from speaking any further.

He feels cornered. Cas hasn’t said anything, nothing’s really out there yet, but it kind of is. It’s like they finally acknowledged this elephant in the room between them, with as few words as they could, and Dean doesn’t know how to take a step back from here.

But more importantly, Dean feels ungrateful and he feels like a coward because Cas is right – and he shouldn’t be. It shouldn’t make any difference, this thing.

“I’m going to—“

“Yeah.” Dean gives him a quick nod, seeing Cas drift towards his room after a long moment of shared silence.

6. Cas

Although he doesn’t always understand humans, the things they do, and why they do them, Cas thinks he knows what’s going on here.

When Dean asked him about the answer he’s given to Benny’s offer, Cas doesn’t think he lied when he said he’s thinking about it. ‘Cause he is. He’s been thinking about whether he should stay here, more so than whether he should leave with Benny, ever since the topic came up.

He just failed to mention that when Benny offered, Cas immediately turned him down.

“That’s very generous of you, but I’ll have to politely decline.” He’d said.

“Thought so. Still, I’d like you to think about it for a couple of more days. The offer will stand.” Benny insisted, and Cas listened.

He’s not dumb. He knows what Dean thinks of them. He also knows that’s not what Benny wants from him.

Cas figured that, while initially it was all about pushing Dean to a breaking point and getting him to speak up about his desires, Benny’s intentions transformed. After a while, because he has spent a considerable amount of time with Benny and not all of it was pretending for the sake of provoking Dean, he and Benny did get closer. Although not in a way that Dean thinks, Benny has grown to respect and even like Cas, and he believed that’s at least a part of the reason why he’s asked him to come along.

There’s nothing respectful about the way Cas lets himself be treated, and he knows that.

He sits on the bed of his room in the Bunker, and he thinks how messed up he has to be to know that nothing’s ever going to change, and yet he chooses to stay – hoping that it will. Isn’t that the definition of stupidity?

He considers what it’d be like to allow himself, for once, to seek some finality. To ditch the hope in entirety and make peace with his truth.

If he left, it’d mean that he’s giving himself a chance to move on. He wouldn’t have to wonder anymore/ Wouldn’t feel so helpless, insecure, and stripped down to his very grace every time he’s around Dean. He’d just…know.

He’d make a choice and live with the consequences, whatever they are. It sounds as close to free will as he’ll ever get, and it’s tempting, but it doesn’t feel right.

And if he decides to stray, then what? Does he give himself a time constraint, for how much longer he gets to hope and wait? Or does he accept that regardless of him staying, everything else will remain the same and he’s going to be fine with that?

A knock grips him out of his thoughts, and he pushes himself up from the mattress to open the doors to the bedroom. On the other side, he finds Dean.

“Hey.” Dean says, and Cas doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to the way he gets weaker in the knees when he sees him. Once he started falling, he never stopped. Anna was right – all of these feelings that have found their way into every crevice of his being, they were massively beyond those first human experiences he’s had. Nothing could have warned or prepared him for the sheer intensity of loving Dean.

It was a different kind of pain. One as sweet as tempting, and although one didn’t want to be experiencing it, one was too weak to stop. After having heard about enough human experiences, he thought it was comparable to getting rehabilitation for drug addiction.

“Hello Dean.” He manages, unable to look anywhere but at Dean.

Dean doesn’t say anything after that, and Cas doesn’t really know what this is about, so he waits. And he waits.

And then asks.

“Is there something—“

“Stay.” Dean jumps in, and there’s urgency in the way he lets that word spill over.

“What.”

Cas can see him straighten and push his shoulders back. Dean reels in, the same way that he does when he’s expecting a punch.

Dean licks his lips, taking time to draws a sharp inhale before continuing.

“Look, man—“ he stops, then corrects himself. “—Cas.”

“If leaving…if going with Benny’s what you want, then I’m not going to stop you. But…”

Dean looks like he’s struggling to find the words, and Cas has no intent to rush him. He does feel instinctively drawn to lay a gentle touch on him, to offer comfort and reassurance, but he doesn’t.

He waits.

“If you’re looking for a reason to stay, if you need one – I want you to know that I want you to stay.” Dean says, and he looks like he has so much more to add, and he wants to, but this is as far as he can go. For now.

“Okay.” Cas manages after a while.

“Okay.” Dean nods and lets himself exhale as his shoulders sag further down. “That’s…that’s all I wanted to say.”

They both take one long look at each other after that, and then Dean leaves down the hallway and goes to his room.

7. Dean.

Dean doesn’t want to, but he sleeps soundly through the night. The exhaustion from not having rested properly these past couple of days runs him over. He dreams of nothing.

He wakes up abruptly to the clock reading 10:00 AM. That’s two hours after Benny’s planned departure.

He’s up on his feet before he knows it, running to the common room, as though he could catch up with them if he runs fast enough. There’s nothing rational about the way he’s thinking, but he can’t stop moving, can’t stop—

He gets to the map table and Sam and Cas are there, going through the lore, working on a case.

“Morning.” Sam greets him, brows furrowed in response to Dean’s disheveled looks and panicked appearance. Cas just stands there, trenchcoat on as always, nothing odd about him.

“Where’s Benny?” he asks, heart thundering loud against his chest as he grapples to reach full, sane awareness.

“He left.” Cas is the one to respond this time around, and Dean feels lighter than he has in a while.

“He left?” Dean repeats, dumbfounded. “Why didn’t you wake me up to say goodbye?”

“He said he hasn’t seen you sleep this long from the day he’s met you. Quite frankly, neither have we.” Sam offers. “We decided to let you rest. Besides, he said to tell you it’s not a goodbye – it’s just a see you later.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

“I’ll try to be.” Sam offers.

He’s finally awake enough to make further steps towards the table, and join the two of them in going through the papers scattered across.

“So.” He takes a look at Cas, not yet taking a seat next to them. “You decided to stay.”

“I did. Benny’s offer was nice but this is my home.” Cas pauses for a moment, before adding “It’s where I want to be.”

Dean sees a smile tug on Cas’s lips, and he allows for a matching one to bloom across his own.

“Good. That’s good. I’m glad.” He swallows and breaks the gaze, sitting down to look at the case.

“So get this.” Sam begins. “We have reports of witnesses seeing someone leave the house of the vic, thought they saw pitch-black eyes. Victim is a young male; pathologists say the corpse looks like someone had been gnawing at it…”

“So we’re thinking rugaru?” Dean asks, feeling himself slip into sense of normalcy that he hasn’t even realized to have been missing.

He lets the voices of Sam and Cas carry him through the rest of the case as everything falls back into its place.

#destiel #dean winchester #castiel #benny lafitte #supernatural #destiel fic

[dutifullybitchypeach]

My two cents worth for the first six chapters and some reasoning around IC and Nesta. All my own personal opinion. Read if you want but it's just my general thoughts. Please, please don't flip if you disagree. I love Nesta and the darkness she is in right now and her behaviour is taking over this sassy no nonsense Queen and it needs to change.

THIS INCLUDES SPOILERS.

....................

Is the House of Wind a prison...technically no. Nesta just does not have the ability to fly or winnow. And no one is on standby to be her taxi. She can leave by walking. Amren threw her that challenge on purpose. She's not alone, Az and Cassian live there. And the Priestesses. Yes it has dark memories. Yes. I know that and I take it on board.

On a side note, it's irritating to hear 'I'm not your prisoner" from Nesta (who I like!!!!) I think of Azriel, Feyre, all the Fae Under the Mountain, even Elide 💗. Then again everyone's idea of prison is different. But the fact remains. She CAN leave. It's just bollocks hard. For a reason

But we know it's what she needs. We know that. We don't have to like it. Not one likes the reality. The ultimatum is uncomfortable and harsh. Our way or fuck off. They are not suggesting manual labour or degrading her. They suggest training, food, working in a library, purpose, being part of something. This doesn't sound bad to me. It just sucks it comeing across as an order. But this is Nesta's POV and she doesn't do requests or pretty please. The fact I got riled up reading it is a compliment to Mass. I had to take a major step back and reassess. Nesta sees everything as an attack. And no that is not her fault. Stay with me! I agree people enjoy provoking Nesta ( Rhys, Morrigan, Cassian) and then get affronted when she bites back. At some point I'd enjoy her retaliation akin to her ripping their head off :) And their vow to never go there again.

The IC 'review' is what annoys me. The "we" will decide where you go from here if you play ball. My hope 🤞 is that Nesta will TELL THEM where she will go/what she will do with sass. But right now sitting on a rock instead of trying to train is fucking juvenile (Again I stress I like Nesta). She hates her power as far as I can tell. But she is so low she can't see the wood from the trees. Or the hand that is been given to her.

Does Feyre have a right to be embarrassed. Yes. I'd die of shame if my sister (I have 3 btw) kept at that again and again and again all on my families dime. Without even being polite or respectful to anyone. She's only ever provided for Nesta. Period. Not to mention being a high lady with all the responsibilities that entails. Living her own life (well earned) and well life in general! I mean Jesus, Nesta is not her only priority. She maybe ours lol! But Feyre has 101 things going on. Give her credit. She tried with Nesta several times. Gave her space and time which Nesta wanted while still making the effort to reach out. Nesta needs to acknowledge that. Feyre was bankrolling her self destructive lifestyle and it had to stop.

The whole "your behaviour reflects badly on us". Well yes it does. Nesta doesn't get a free pass. The whole of Pyrithian is rebuilding and our girl is pissing away money. That's not even hers! Her behaviour does undermine the Court, folks must eye roll when IC lay down the law when your sister/ sister in law is prancing around being a with a big fuck you. Everyone is broken and rebuilding. And it's a slap in the face. Is the saving face irrelevant to Nestas issues, yes! But is Feyre allowed to feel fucked over, yes! Sisters say shit when they fight. Arguments are not flawless debates. Their emotive and bring out the worst in people. Feyre darling is feeling the pressure of being high lady and it came out all wrong. Especially when it's your sister acting up.

And Nesta never tried (as far as Feyre can tell) WE know Nesta IS trying, and surviving every day is a battle. But Feyre doesn't. Why would she. Nesta doesn't speak to her. But their relationship is so toxic that it's beyond Feyre to get it. And that is not her fault. NO ONE is perfect. There is only so much responsibility Feyre can CONTINUALLY take.

Rhys being there. I have a feeling that a male will not let his pregnant mate anywhere near someone he is afraid of. It's instinctive. Someone who hasn't trained to control their powers especially. He is on High Lord mode cause guess what he is a High Lord. This is his court and the people in it his responsibility. Not to mention the oncoming drama with the queens on the horizon and general court bullshit. Does he abuse his position of power.... well in this world the HL have the power. Everyone is answerable to one. Even Amren obeys the rules. Nesta doesn't/won't recognize that. Which is rare. They tricked and lied to get her "consent" surprise surprise a dick move from Rhysand/Feyre. We know they will do that for the "greater good". Lie, steal etc all in the name of saving the day. He screwed Morrigan over in front of her ass Father for flip sake! My point is the NC stability is his priority now more than ever if impending fatherhood is on the way. It's no surprise he wants Cassian to take on more responsibility. Nesta is a liability cause she is AWOL. It's worth noting he had this plan for months but Feyre refused preferring to give Nesta space and the opportunity to decide for herself what she wanted. So we could assume if Rhys had his way Amren and Nesta would have still been friends and it would have been far different. Amren would have been by her side. Do I condone his domineering behaviour, no not in a million years. And neither did Feyre. Will he apologise? Probably not he's an arrogant ass. And wanted to control the room. Fact. He wants/needs Nesta on board the team to bolster his ranks. She is that powerful. We KNOW he will do anything to protect his family (baby on the way).

Morrigan and her nasty comment on sending Nesta to The Court of Nightmares. Cassian acknowledges it's an insult but also the truth. That's a harsh fact on how Nesta is percieved right now. But I believe she wouldn't just thrive there, she would CONQUER ;) I don't know if Morrigan is referring to the people that abused her or the "type" of people that live in Hewn City...? Will we give HER the benefit of the doubt... hmmm.

Morrigan and that comment on good people giving Nesta the benefit of the doubt...that's Morrigans issue. She never gave Eris the benefit of the doubt and yet he proved her wrong with Keir. She's all over the place as a result . And she's been lying for 5 centuries. To her family. Cassian said he values the raw honesty that he has with Morrigan. Wow is he going to get a shock some day. Nesta may be a bitch but at least she's an honest one. And Morrigan knows it which must rattle her to no end. Point is Mor isn't supposed to be in this story very much and Nesta never really cared for her opinion anyway. So neither should we. I've checked out of Mor. Knowing she won't give Azriel closure or honesty just makes me not consider her opinion. It suits her to keep Nesta down in the gutter so her lie can continue.

Amren - her behaviour. I have to remind myself Amren is OLD, a stint in the Dungeon is probably a standard response! Her idea after the Summer Court fiasco and the jewels was to go there and crush them. Amren is by nature harsh. Which is why she gets on with Nesta the most. Cassian tells us she cares. Nesta can't see this. Her comment on Nestas sex life in ACOFAS. People ran with that. Fae lifestyles always kind of disgusted her. She wasn't Fae so bodily functions were an alien concept. Now she's Fae she's slightly horrified. Also no one else has much to say on Nesta's bedroom antics. Cause it's a non issue Mass doesn't do slut shaming. So neither should we. Speaking as a woman also here.

Elaine - we know Elaine craves peace and quiet. Confrontation is not her thing. Being there would mean Nesta would use her as a crutch, and I'm not sure Elaine wouldn't cave. Nesta pushed her away on purpose and Elaine choose to try and find some sort of contentment. That's her right and choice. Agree or disagree. She walked away or decided she can't deal with Nestas difficult behaviour. I don't know. Or is she oblivious to the situation ?! Who knows. Elaine is an enigma! It's the first 6 chapters! Right now they are two different people and have been drifting apart since ACOWR. Nesta is a dichotomy of pushing people away and hurt when they stop trying. It's exhausting for the people that have to deal with it. Who are not perfect and have their own issues and lives. Elaine has stepped back from this situation. Because either she recognizes it needs to happen or cannot sway the majority. Though I think Elaine did say something to Feyre, cause when Nesta pressed her she refused to say what Elaine thought. Just that she wasn't there and not part of the issue. Feyre is high handed when it comes to her sisters. Because that's the role they allowed her. Nesta is fighting back. And Feyre takes it personally. Which is only natural. They're sisters.

Cassian! Ah Cassian. He was spectacularly rejected and being around Nesta is a constant reminder. That's enough to make me cringe in a corner. He acknowledges he stayed away cause it hurt too much. He's a soldier and has serious self discipline. He has no idea how his behaviour/comments hurt her until she confronts him. Deliver him a few home truths. Another well deserved kick in the balls. Flirting with Mor, not sure his behaviour there has ever changed. He keeps it normal cause being around Nesta gives him the shakes!! Lol. He is slack jawed after Nesta and wants her badly, passion we know is big thing for them. It ignites them. Raw and real. Recognising Morrigan is aesthetically beautiful is just a fact. We know she's a looker. So what. Meh to this issue some people have.

We know from spoilers they start training and communicating and Mass is a Nessain ship so I'm excited to see this grow and flourish! I've read spoilers here on these two so I've no qualms.

Cassian for me is right. He and others have been through similar situations before so can empathise. But until she answers him back without snapping he won't be able to be that shoulder to lean on or turn too. He's not going to be her Prince though. Nesta is her own Queen!

I've read some spoilers on her friendships and I'm so happy. I've no idea how it will go but it says to me that the IC have a block when it comes to Nesta and don't see her the way others do and Nesta opens up to people who don't have a predisposed prejudice.

Also the IC have no idea how Nesta is going to react at any stage. It's like walking around on eggshells. Why would anyone actively choose to be around someone like that. That and very obvious fact they are BUSY AF. They don't have time to have a daily bollicking from Nesta. Yet all fall in when the plan is announced. Make what you will of that.

Some further musings:

Nesta being reminded she has to be respectful to Clotho and the priestesses is sobering. Like wow, people can't trust you will have basic manners. Again I know this is Feyre saying it but Christ to worry about that. Will be interesting with Gwyn and that friendship and a nice reality check for the IC.

I spent 4 God damn books understanding Rhys motives. He's a prick yes. Which I enjoy. But the bastard people are making him out to be I don't agree. Half of Pyrethian hates/hated him, Nesta hating him won't stress him. Or her for that matter. They have a 2 people they both care about in common and will just have to deal.

Training in Illyria, well Nesta is powerful, training in the mountains is probably damage control if she explodes. And a change of scenery from her prison!

Rhys was controlled for 50 years, Amren escaped worlds to be free. I don't believe they want to control Nesta.

Families are messy and fucked up. The intervention is a perfect example of how arseways it can get.

Azriel being Azriel I'm not sure about anything with him right now. I've read the snippets and spoilers and I'm all over the place. He is one of my favourites. FYI when I say IC I never mean Azriel I don't know why but I always imagine he finds it just plain drama and avoids it at all costs. Nesta is drinking and gambling away her life. Okay! Nesta is now training and we are all on board to help. Okay! Nesta is a powerful Queen and we are all afraid. Okay! Nesta has turned Cassian into a drooling mess and hes ass is hers. Excellent ;)

Sisters! They need to deal and respect each others independence. They are all in the wrong. It's just annoying at this stage. Personally I'll rip into my sisters when I need to but usually get a red mist when anyone else does. Even if they are in the wrong. I have a habit of always defending them.

So overall the angst killed me in the first 6 chapters. Did Rhys dominant shite irritate me? Yes. Do I want Nesta to make it clear she's not a pawn in his/their world? Yes. In spectacular fashion please.

Did Feyre handle it well? No. Does she ever deal with Nesta well? No. Perhaps only when Nesta is more inclined to talk. Which is rare. The ultimatum we know from Cassian sickened Feyre she recognizes it for what it is it but really cannot see any other option. Her fault or a combination of factors you decide. It was hyper tense situation we all just wanted to get through.

Would we be so angry if this was a soft approach headed by Elaine/Feyre/Amren? Would Nesta even react?

Cassian compared Nesta to a sleeping dragon who has just been woken up. Nesta needed a kick in teeth. A major reality check. Life in Pyrethian is hard. This a fae world. She is angry and incensed they have dared to 'interfere' and 'assume' she will be controlled. I want her to tackle her demons, confront her fears her issues with herself and others and live! Live! I've no idea what she wants and can't wait to find out.

***I've read some spoilers on the end. The rumours and the actual basic plot ending. I'm like Mass I love a HEA. And am hopeful I'll be satisfied. I had a similar theory when I heard the pregnancy rumour. A move by Nesta that would never have anyone doubt her.

#acosf spoilers #a court of silver flames #acofs #nessian #nesta archeron #nesta and azriel brotp

[delicate-daisyyy]

TRIGGER WARNING -SEXUAL ASSAULT. ED. SH

Im overweight and i hate it.

I hate myself. Everything about myself. I blame my medication for my weight, well, at least thats what i tell people.

I never just gained all this weight in one night in one month, sure ive packed it on but its never that easy.

Im fat bc i choose to be.

Bc i fear to be skinny again no matter how much i wanna be.

No matter how much i crave it. No matter how much i hate what i see when i look down or in the mirror, or when my skin shows my jiggly bits.

Im scared to become skinny again so i eat.

I disgust myself so i eat.

When i was skinny i was sick. I were weak. I were broken.

I liked the way my body looked when i looked in the mirror, i hated what i was doing to do it but i couldnt survive without it.

My body was the only thing i had control over, and i was destroying it.

I liked my size being skinny. The way clothing hugged me nicely, i never felt ashamed nor foolish in anything i wore. I liked the way my body looked and the way i looked, even though i was selfharming underneath.

I had control over my body while selfharm and destruction had control over me.

When i was sexually assaulted i lost all control of my body. It was no longer mine anymore.

Their hands grabbing upon my body like i wasnt even there. Their eyes casing it up and down. Their breath on the neck of my body and their fingertips doing as they pleased.

I was stunned, drunk and irrelevant.

People starring at my body in disgrace and disgust. At MY body.

I wasnt even there.

Violated by their eyes after their body had violated me.

I was nothing. My body wasnt even mine anymore.

No matter how much i try shower off their touch

im stained.

However more i cry tears of painful sorrow, it never deafens the music or their moans of that night.

Whichever clothes i decide to wear never covers the body they chose to strip bare.

Every scent of deoderant and perfume will never hide the scent of shame they shoved upon me.

I liked my body bc it was mine and i controlled every inch, I never intended they would too.

Everyday, every hour, every second since i have never been unable to not think upon that night.

I was irrelevant. I was weak. I was broken.

I thought every second of what i could have done to stop them. What i could have done different. What i should have said. What i should have drank. Who i should have drank with. Where i should have been. What i should of worn. Who i should have trusted.

I try never to be weak agin. I try never to be naive. Never to selfharm. Be broken, or to trust.

I started to destroy the way my body looked. The same way they destroyed me.

I figured if i liked the way i looked then they would too.

They claimed my body from me , and i didnt want it back.

I never wanted to be looked at. To be touched. Held. I didnt want my body near anyone else, to be made irrelevant and helpless ever again.

I didnt trust anyone. I didnt trust myself. I didnt trust that my body was ever mine. I didnt want it. I didnt want another person near it. I started to give up on everything, it wasnt me anymore. I was distant. I would cry and never stop. I would shake uncontrolably as if my body were having a fit while im fully aware its happening. I would tremble at the thought of stepping outside my room. I would cry or yell when i had to speak to someone bc i couldnt talk, i couldnt move , this was not my body anymore.

Through iscolations and breakdowns and suicide attempts i would fight and argue with my parents and friends, it was never over much, i just didnt wanna talk. I didnt wanna tell them. I didnt wanna be.

The moment that i did i shook so intensely i thought i was going to die.

I cried so dramatically til i couldnt see, nor feel.

This wasnt my body anymore.

I grew more and more weaker, and more and more frustrated and fed up. I wasnt eating. I wasnt sleeping. I was barely breathing. I couldnt take it anymore.

As things went by i had to face them.

Through rumors at school. Through friends. Through stares. Through the police. Through medical examinationa. On the streets in their cars. Through music.  Through dressing myself .

Every day had violated me all over again.

I wasnt coping, and i wasnt me anymore.

Im still not, But i remembered control.

Years dragged by as i began to eat. Binging , purging, starving and stuffing. Til i finally managed to see myself as a different person. The weight i gained made my body grow plump and jiggly, and i began to realise thay i can control what i see in the mirror.

Everything i gained i did to not feel weak. I didnt wanna see anything i liked. I didnt wanna see clothes looking nice. I didnt wanna look good.

I hated my body and i hated myself , but i gained back my control.

Stretch marks stared to grow.

Clothes didnt fit.

Cellulite. Pimples. Sweat. - i thrived of it.

My body is disgusting. Ive taken it back.

Well so i thought.

Nothing ive ever done has taken that night away from me and it never will. Its always with me.

Time will heal nothing and i cant heal myself, nor could you help me.

But being fixated on this for so long has made me realise how controlled i have been by them.

My body is still theirs no matter how many guys i lay with in hopes to make me feel any less.

How many friends i listen to to make me less loud.

No matter which way i try to destroy myself they will never leave me.

I can drink, smoke, eat, fuck, cry, listen, love, hide, bleed and write til the end of time.

It will never be enough. I will never be enough. But i will never let that night be enough for them.

Time heals nothing but we fight, not for the destination but for the journey along the way. We are what we are and we cant chage that  but we can and we will live to love it.

I am destructive but i am still here, still hurting and probably still hurting you. But our journeys are alive and one day we WILL see just how beautiful we are.

That one day needs to be today and that needs to start everyday. Whether its in nature, the sky, a loved one, a pet or in the mirror,

Something somewhere is beautiful. Whether its a thing or a place or a soul, emmerse yourself in its beauty, and you will see it everywhere

Dont allow your past or your pain to define you.

#trigger warning #bpd #TW SUICIDE #TW ED #TW SH #TW weight #tw sex assault #Me too #my story #story time #mental health #healing #beauty #borderline feels #living with borderline

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

could you please help type me? im 22 and most everything i will mention will be recent. i am a slow learner where i need the entirety of information for anything to make sense at all. ie i didn't understand fe-fi for a year before i saw one single sentence on your blog and i heard a clicking sound in my head. before that i was on point 0 no matter what. problem is the opposite is also correct where i am convinced i know something but i read one sentence and go 'i didn't know anything at all apparently' when i read that one sentence on your blog i started studying everything from scratch.(1)

it actually gave me a weird anxiety where i genuinly shut off for a while and couldn't concentrate on anything but trying to understand the functions. the more i couldn't understand it, the more i ignored everything else. i pretty much stopped sleeping at some point. but when i decide on something somehow everything feels related to that and i'm like 'ah finally i will know some peace'. this is a very bad explanation but yeah. certain things i think genuinly feel like an attempt of me finding 'relevant things' so i can convince myself, which is why i came to you for help because at this point i have no idea, and the confusion is angering me.(2)

one of my worst qualities is scolding people, specifically for how they behave. i do this a lot where i think you have to behave a certain way in certain situations, you must. i'm trying to work on myself but i genuinly feel like certain things are just inappropriate to the point where i Must interfere, which is something everyone around me hates. i have a tendency to believe that I just know how it must be, so i explain to people how they must be acting. 'you do this which makes people feel like this, which will result in this'is a constant in my life. i also feel second hand embarassment from pretty much anything.(3)

i think my sensing function is last because it genuinly feels like i cannot see. feels kind of dissociative sometimes, like i'm not there. i am completely seperate from the outside world and to some extent, from myself. moreso environment tho. although i cannot always understand that i actually have a body. that has needs. i don't ever realize i'm cold, for example, until someone tells me my hands are freezing. even then its more a fact then me actually realizing im cold. people also ask me if i'm ok a lot because i just straigh up look like i'm not there at all. (4)

i'm completely lost on the n function, i thought i had ne because i explain things as other things a lot, so that to me was ne. i just cannot explain something without giving an example of something else that is completely irrelevant, which sounds like absolute gibberish apparently. like, feathers? protection. enneagram 3? rafiki and simba, for some fucking reason. and i honest to god wouldn't have understood ennea 3 if it wasn't for 'rafiki holding simba up is 3s inferiority complex. the zebras bowing is the superiority complex. they will do anything to avoid simba, the inferiority feelings, so they bow down, as in whatever simba says goes just so they can live. the shadow simba cannot go is their denied shame.' otherwise i cannot understand it.(5)

more things: i am a massive hoarder of things i don't want. books are the number one things tho i hoard pretty much anything. i love reading but most i read is things i dont care about. i have over 800 books and most is things i buy because i see sth and my immidiate reaction is 'some random stranger on the street will question me on this 4 years later' so i buy books. i think, 'if i do not know this, i will straight up die.' i do not interact with people unless i know for sure i can like, talk about Anything that has ever existed, ever.(6)

im prone to many identity crisises and i overthink. i also am constantly swayed from actual interests i have. i make long lists of what to read or where to go and 0 percent of it is based on what i want. it's just me thinking i don't know much history so i should visit every museum and i don't know science so i should read every book etc. i decided to learn guitar and i have barely touched it because i'm learning music theory first aswell as the entire history of rock music and i have to memorize every chord before i am allowed to touch the guitar itself. same thing happened with drawing. with violin. even when im dressing i'm like 'what if someone asks me if i know enough about this band and i dont so then i have to move countries???' so i do not wear it. i get actual stomachaces lol. (7)

i am not competitive but also feel embarassed a lot. i won't put myself forth and usually want to not be seen but i also get offended if someone is better then me, specifically in a field of my knowledge. if i meet someone who has similar interests/knowledge as me i ignore them or the topic for fear that they might know more then me. i hate change unless it is controlled. like sudden news or travel plans are a nightmare and they cause a lot of anxiety but i also am okay with changing things up if i am in complete control of how it will go. that seems to be it. thanks. (8)

--------------------------

Hi anon,

So this isn’t limited to you but whenever people are like “my anxiety over typing myself has genuinely impacted my quality of life” it is something that makes me want to stop typing that person. It feels like I’m enabling a habit that is explicitly not good for them, and it shows up to an extent that is frankly alarming and I really, really hope it is exaggeration and that me saying this will shut it the fuck down in questions that I get. Based on some of the other things you’ve said, if you have not gotten assessed for anxiety you probably should have someone check that out (and if you have, I would spend time working on it and take a break from typology in the meantime), and that makes it pretty much impossible for me to type your enneagram, but I can still do MBTI although the anxiety makes it difficult to determine extroversion and introversion.

With that out of the way, probably one of the xNFJs:

Scolding people is often high Fe behavior, and especially in the way you describe it (as based in how other people will feel about the behavior). It’s difficult to assess beyond that without explanations; scolding people over something like racism is hopefully something a decent person of any type can get behind, whereas scolding people over many other things is just Fe. Based on what you said about needing to be control over changes and this idea of needing total understanding of anything before engaging with it also really does not sound in line with perceiving, which often thrives when jumping in without total preparation.

Either of the intuition functions would see things as other things and tend to engage via metaphor and theme, and the other things you mention as evidence of low sensing seem appropriate for high Ni as well.

#mbti #infj #enfj #Anonymous

[ginnyzero]

6 Reasons Why Kidnapping is  Terrible Opening for a Series/Debut Book

A reader’s perspective.

I’ve taken up doing a review booktube for indie SFF books, and have decided only to do 4 or 5 star reviews due to some social pressures being an indie author and also being a reviewer. This means I’ve been SLUSH reading. (You can get lots of indie books free if you trawl twitter and start an amazon wishlist and wait.)

My follow up to 8 Reasons Why Prologues Don’t Work. Kidnapping, as an opening to a story, is the 2nd most common thing I’ve come across. They don’t work as an opening for a debut book or series in my opinion, so here are 6 reasons why in author terms b/c I also happen to be an author.

1) It’s not where the story begins

Figuring out where your story begins as an author is one of the trickiest parts of writing a book. This goes double for a first book in a series or your first book as an author. The common advice is to open up in media res, in the middle of things.

The problem being with a kidnapping is the kidnapping is not the middle of things. It is usually the end result of something else. And the story really begins long before the kidnapping ever happened. (Why are they being kidnapped is not a question you want to open your story with really.) Or the story begins after the kidnapping has taken place and they’re wherever the kidnapper wanted them to be.

So, either the author needs to write the book(s) before the kidnapping. Or, the author needs to frame the kidnapping as a flashback from the past to explain later in the story when it relevant why they are where they are. Because the kidnapping might be irrelevant to the story you’re trying to tell.

2) The Reader Doesn’t Care about the Character (Yet.)

First impressions about a character mean a lot. A character being kidnapped isn’t really a great first impression because there aren’t a lot of things a kidnapped character can do in that situation. Kidnapping someone puts them in mortal peril the first thing. And the thing about putting someone in mortal peril, for us to want them to get out of it, we have to care about them as a person. We have to know them as a character. And we don’t if it’s the opening chapter of the book.

We don’t care. We don’t know this person. We don’t know how they react to normal stimuli. We don’t know about their lives. We don’t know, well, anything about them to care about why they’re being pulled into a black van.

There’s a reason why most, say television shows, leave kidnappings to several seasons into the show’s running time. Or if the show is really dark, uses flashbacks throughout the series to show their kidnapping as they struggle in the aftermath. (I’m looking at you Handmaid’s Tale.) By the time the entire story comes out, the viewer/reader is invested into the character and wants them to get out of their situation. The reader cares about the character’s well-being. It provides tension.

Putting a kidnapping first thing doesn’t give us any tension at all. Stories thrive off tension. Tension is what keeps us turning the page. So, leave the kidnapping for once we care about the character.

From here on out I’m talking about what happens after a person is kidnapped so CW for talk rape/sexual assault, physical violence.

3) Tells us nothing about the Character

Kidnapping a character tells us nothing about the character as a person. You’d think it would given the way people act under pressure. However, there are only a limited set of options to what happens next after you’re kidnapped. Most of them end in beatings or sexual assault/rape or death.

When you put it first thing, we don’t know this character well enough (see point one) to know if the actions they’re taking after being kidnapped are consistent with who they are as people! So, again, we don’t care and it doesn’t matter if they get out of it or not.

4) Strips away the Character’s Power

Kidnapping is a plot driven story device. Someone comes in and takes the character’s power of choice away from them. Your character is the one we’re trying to connect to as readers. If you take the character’s power away from them right off the bat and other people are making their choices for them, we have nothing really to connect to as readers. Because the character who has been kidnapped isn’t the one really driving the story along. It’s the kidnappers.

If you put it first thing, we don’t know the reason they’ve been kidnapped. Once again, killing the tension of the story. You, as an author may tell us, but telling isn’t as powerful as showing us and building up the story over time.

Readers like to see characters doing something and taking charge or control. That’s the reason they’re the main character right, it’s their story. They’re the ones who should be leading it.

5) It’s Dehumanizing

Kidnapping turns people into objects. Kidnapping, like rape, is a violation of a human’s rights and autonomy of their own body. When you’re writing a book, the first thing you’re trying to do is to make the characters human.

So, when you put a kidnapping first thing in your book, you’re doing the opposite of what you need to do as an author. They are just another piece on the chessboard you’re moving about and not real people at all. The actions of the characters doing the kidnapping usually reflect this as they leer or try to sexually assault or hit or rape the victim of the kidnapping. Which leads to me feeling very disturbed and uncomfortable and that’s not what I want to feel when I first open a book. I want to be entertained and enthralled and curious as to what happens next. Kidnapping doesn’t make me want to continue because I know what happens next and it is not good.

Instead of making your characters strong and empowering or at least normal right off the bat, you’ve made them helpless and without power at all.

As a reader, violence against woman in books makes me uncomfortable due to the pervasive violence against women in real life. I read books to be entertained. Not to see violence against women (and it is almost always women being kidnapped) being normalized in my happy fantasy/future where this isn’t actually necessary, especially not right off the bat!

And this leads us to…

6) Potentially Triggering/Harmful

Kidnapping is sensitive issue. It’s not one we talk about as much as say, rape, or domestic violence. The thing is kidnapping happens a lot more than you’d believe often by relatives rather than strangers but we hear about strangers more and what happens after a person is kidnapped by strangers is often physical abuse, sexual assault/rape, and death.

Like rape, using kidnapping as a plot device in order to make a character stronger, or whatever you as an author are trying to do, without a lot of thought and care put into whether or not it’s appropriate or even necessary for your story as a whole, much less as the opening chapter, can be really harmful to survivors of kidnapping, physical violence, and sexual assault/rape.

Before you misunderstand me, I’m not saying you can’t use kidnapping, physical abuse, or sexual assault/rape in your books. I am questioning why it is necessary to put your character in dire peril the very first paragraph of the story without any build up.

And no, in media res, is not the proper answer. Because, the stories I’ve read with this, actually didn’t start at the kidnapping. See point one.

By using a kidnapping first thing, you’ve given your readers no build up or ability to be able to go “I don’t like where this story is going” and shut the book for their own emotional and mental health if necessary.

As a reader, I don’t want to be exposed to something dark right off the bat. That is my preference as a reader! It makes me feel the author has gone for this dark plot for the shock value and think it will keep me reading. In fact, I hate shock value in books and I will most likely put it down unless you are someone I know personally.

Well, we have to go all the way back to point two. If you’re going to drag me to a dark place with your characters, then I need to care about the characters and trust you as an author before I head into that dark tunnel. If you put your kidnapping first thing, I don’t care about the characters and we’ve established no trust between us as a reader and author.

So, here it is, 6 Reasons I feel kidnappings make terrible openings for your book. Figure out where your story really starts, so we can feel connected to this character and care about them being kidnapped and have a choice on whether or not we go into the dark and potentially harmful place with you as a reader. Thanks!

#writing tumblr #writing advice #writrblr #kidnapping #opening scenes #opening chapters #writing tips #content warning

[parniarazi]

realignment + growth

I haven’t wrote here or in general much lately, as school and worked have picked up and kept me busy, even with doing it all from home! Pandemic aside, the world is moving quickly and it’s hard to keep up sometimes. Especially when big moments happen (like RBG passing), it can feel overwhelming and like nothing we can do matters. What helps me when I feel in over my head is just purging it all with a deep self-reflection that helps anchor me down to what I’m doing towards on a daily basis and how that’s working for me in the big picture. Going back through this blog, I briefly looked over what I wrote at the turn of the year, as 2020 was beginning. Even though things have felt very different and stagnant this year, I realized I’ve actually grown so much and come so far even in this short time!

A year ago right now, I was going through one of the most difficult times of my life, as major shifts were happening in all areas of my life. I had breezed through most of my undergrad, always feeling like school came rather easily to me and academia was an area I wanted to pursue because of this. I didn’t know what to do after graduation, reconciling between wanting to find a “good paying” job with my degree/interests, and wanting to do something that aligns with what I’m passionate about and can bring me a deeper sense of fulfillment. Since I was doing well in school and professors encouraged me when I told them I wanted to go to grad school‚ I figured pursing my PhD and becoming a professor was the way to go. I idolized my professors and loved my campus, so it wasn’t hard to envision myself doing this...at least until I actually started my grad program in political science. Last fall, I was failing and withdrew from a class for the first time, was concerned about having to pay back my scholarship for the semester, and had no idea what I would do if I left my program. I was desperately searching for a way out because I knew I could not thrive (or even survive) in the environment of my grad department— it was revealing some ugly realities and turned out be the opposite of everything I wanted in a career!

Fortunately, being on campus, I was able to talk to other people and departments and eventually found my home in the Communications grad program. I had a cross-listed class, and the Comm students were friendly and inviting, so I began talking to them and found out more about their program. They still seemed to have a soul unlike my own peers— so that was already a good sign! I definitely wanted to keep my soul and work in a field that would respect and pay me for my work. Keep in mind, while all this school/career crisis of wondering what I should do with my life was happening, it was also my first few months being moved out my parents house and living with my boyfriend for the first time. I was missing my family constantly, and adjusting to my new home/life while struggling with horrible anxiety that weighed me down like bricks on my chest. 

It got to be too much sometimes— especially because on top of that, my income was tied to my school because I had just started as a graduate assistant in an office on campus. This was also my first real “job,” outside of what I considered to be my “fun college job” teaching swim lessons. Not only did school suck at this time for me, but I also hated this job and the people in my office. It worsened my anxiety, and I ended up going to the school clinic and getting a formal diagnosis (and medication) for anxiety for the first time in my life, even though I’ve dealt with it for as long as I can remember. This was a big step and turning point, because I refused to compromise my mental health and wellbeing for anything. A career that comes at such a cost is not for me— having balance and self-care are far too important to me. 

While all of this was happening, I kept pushing my political science advisors to help me and connected with the Communications department about getting into their program instead. I had to advocate for myself harder than ever and push other people to help me, but in the end it was worth it! I finished the semester with the 2 courses I kept, managed to keep getting paid even though my position required full-time enrollment, and I ended up getting accepted into the Comm program by transferring instead of having to wait until the next fall to reapply. With my anxiety, and just being a more a shy/introverted person who was so scared I’d hardly ever speak up in class, I had to find my voice, create my own boundaries, and talk to adults I felt really uncomfortable talking to at first. Big lesson: you have to advocate and speak up for yourself until people see and hear you! It is always worth it, regardless of if you get what you want or not.

I started off the spring in my new program and settled in so much better from the start! I also kept my campus job I hated, but was searching desperately for internships and opportunities to get some actual Comm experience under my belt, as I was entering a new field I had zero experience in. I applied for everything I could and I got a little side gig working as a part-time student organizer for an intersectional feminist non-profit based out of Austin. I was super stoked to just get to do something I’m passionate about and get paid for it, even it was small. Little did I know, this would lead me to big things! Even with the pandemic hitting in the spring, I managed to finish my courses with A’s, work from home with my campus job (no more depressing office vibes!), and apply for dozens of internships. I ended up getting two remote internships over the summer that paid me— one with the same non-profit I was working with as a Digital Intern and another similar position with a different non-profit. I was finally gaining some of the experience and skills I really needed to start a career in this field. Even though the non-profit route was not what I had in mind, I loved my internships and the teams I worked with, and it was so rewarding. 

It wasn’t easy working long hours from my laptop on my dining table, but it did have its own perks. No bras or dress pants or waking up early to get ready and drive in traffic— it’s a hell yes from your fave introvert! Another pandemic-inspired moment was finally getting a dog! Even through this seems irrelevant it actually was really in perfect alignment with what I wanted and timing. I’ve wanted a dog for as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved animals and with my anxiety it was something I hoped would help at least a little bit. My parents never wanted us to have a dog and I grew up with them telling me it was a huge responsibility so even after I moved out I hesitated and wanted to give myself time to adjust and make money before taking on that responsibility. This summer, I started pushing my boyfriend to look into fostering programs to help me adjust to having a dog at home, and we did but had no luck. One day, I saw a friend posting about a lost dog they found who needed a home. She was cute and I wanted to go see her just to scope it out, and of course the universe brought the most perfect little dog into my life at the most perfect time!

I was just finishing up my internship and had a few weeks of down time before the semester started, so it was the perfect time to adjust to having my new dog, Sage, around. Since then, we’ve bonded so much and I love just having another little creature around the house! She really does bring warmth and light into my life. She pushes me to get outside more even when I feel shitty, she makes me have a more consistent routine, and just helps alleviate my stress while connecting me with my inner child and inner caretaker at the same time. During the latter half of this quarantine, my boyfriend and I also had our share of struggles and fights we had to work through. Like anything worth having, it took effort to work through some rough patches, but at the end of the day I believe in the power of love and its ability to persevere and heal, even in the most difficult times. Not to mention, having our little Sage around even helped us through it! This taught me to trust that the right things will happen in the right timing, and the right people will make an effort to stick it out with you. 

I was incredible lucky and blessed that several things I was manifesting and working hard towards happened in perfect alignment. First, I got a scholarship from my grad school that allowed me go back full-time and only have to pay half of my tuition (big plus since I was paying this myself). Secondly, one of the ladies I had worked with during my Digital internship found another position and was leaving the non-profit I had worked with, and she recommended me for a part-time version of her position. They extended me this offer shortly before my semester started for school. I planned to keep my campus job, since it was staying remote too, and I wanted to stack up some savings after the COVID-life lessons I’d been learning. I knew it was going to be a challenge to maintain the personal/self-care balance I need in life with my now full-time class load and 2 part-time jobs. However, I felt so fortunate to have these opportunities while so many people across the country are struggling to keep normalcy going or even stay afloat during this time. Especially not being able to travel, go out much, or do other things, I figured what better time than now to just buckle down to work hard and make major moves towards what I want. 

The universe is blessing me with this alignment and opportunity right now— it’s giving me everything I worked for in this past year. Especially with my new job at the non-profit, the team is incredibly kind but also puts serious support behind their staff. They’re paying me pretty well, but also want to transition me to a full-time staff member at their Austin office after I graduate! They’re mentoring me and teaching me so much, plus I’m getting to know a network of professionals who work in organizing, advocacy, and other important work that directly helps people! Like I literally could not have asked for anything better and more me! Life lesson: It’s worth struggling for a bit and diving into the unknown as long as you feel like it’s the right thing to do for you. 

My parents had wanted me to stay in the PhD program. I knew in my gut and heart that it wasn’t going to work for me though, so I split the second I could. I trusted myself, advocated for myself, and worked through the scary uncertainties about if I would ever find a job I liked and that paid me well. I knew changing career paths would give me a chance to open myself up to new things that align better with who I am and what I desire in life and work. Here I am a year later, and I wouldn’t have gotten any of these amazing opportunities if I hadn’t trusted myself and worked hard to forge my path. Although this year turned out to be nothing like what any of us had planned, I’m so privileged and lucky that it turned out to be a year of incredible milestones and growth for me nonetheless! 

Today, with this new moon energy and the powerful seasonal shift of fall on the verge of unfolding, I felt the need to make these reflections as a reminder to myself that hard work pays off. Doing what’s right pays off. Doing work that matters really fucking pays off. Fall is a special season that allows us to harvest the seeds we’ve sown all year. It’s cheesy, but I’m a sucker for being in tune with nature and the seasons, trusting each season will bring its own negatives and positives that foster growth or death in the right places, restoring a greater balance in the ways that we need. 

With each season, I am growing into a stronger, wiser, more beautiful version of myself. I am deeply grateful for everything, both the good and bad in my life, because every detail is a puzzle piece that allows for the big picture of my path and place in the world to unfold. I’ve also been fostering patience and maturity, as I navigate this pandemic world and knowing (unlike many other people my age) that as much as I miss the “normal world” too, it’s not worth risking my own health or the health of anyone else to have “fun.” I can reinvent the ways in which I bring joy and fun into my life, while staying safe and trusting that those moments and activities will make their way back in my life eventually as things get better. It’s all temporary. 

I am unshakable in my roots and focused on what is important. My vibe is so strong and beautiful, it’s no surprise that I’m not for everyone! Of course, there are areas like friendships and my social life that I’ve put on the back burner for now, but I know as I’m working on myself and just being authentic in putting myself out there, the right people will make their way into my life at the right time! Growing up is strange anytime but especially in this moment, and in some ways I’ve grown apart from who I thought I was, but I also feel more connected to myself than ever. I am healing each day with the light and love in my life— I don’t need anyone’s approval and have nothing to prove to anyone but myself! 

My value and my place in the world doesn’t require anyone’s approval and is not tied to down to any single thing. It comes through in the love I give and receive, it comes through in the way my soul feels when I wake up, it comes through in the literal beauty I get to experience in the world. I went through a negative slump in the late summer and my anxiety was majorly triggered these past several weeks as I re-adjusted to full-time school and my work. This new moon has brought great clarity, a sense of deeper renewal, and turning a new leaf as I return home to myself. To my positive outlook and perseverance that has brought me to this point. Life is nothing without the little moments of joy and love— again, just let me corny and say that aligning back to being present and enjoying those little things is really all that matters. 

My past self would be so proud of me and where I am today. I worked for and earned every beautiful moment that comes my way, and I intend on giving that back to others. Every ray of light that enters me, every penny of abundance I receive, I intend on reflecting right back, because nothing is meant to just be absorbed. It’s nothing unless it’s reflected back into the world in meaningful ways, whether those are tangible or not. I trust that I am making my mark by simply being me and being that reflection. This is how history changes course, and patterns are broken with new ones created. I’ll end with a few manifestations and mantras for this fall-winter season we’re entering!

M A N I F E S T A T I O N S

☽ The people will win, because our power truly is greater than that of those in power. We all deserve better, and so many people are putting in tireless work to make that better world a reality. Thing may not be perfect, now or ever, but making progress and supporting those who need it the most is always a win and it is coming our way because there is a shift happening that the world will have to keep up with.

☽ I will reconnect with my more creative side, allowing my potential to shine through even more. Whether it’s for work or for my own hobbies, I will continue finding outlets for myself to create things that feel authentic and important to who I am, but to also fill in gaps where I feel like others need it. 

☽ I will stay rooted and grounded in my spiritual practices, even when they’re the easiest things to give up when life gets busy, that just means they’re even more necessary to stay connected with! I will make time for journaling, playing, meditating, yoga, cooking, and other activities that bring me in tune with my natural state as a human. 

☽ I will connect and find community. Through being my most authentic self and working through my scars, my negative patterns, and my own blocks, I will find a sense of community with others and find people on my same wavelength who I can connect with. No expectations in mind or idealized version of friendship in mind, just pure desire to connect with others and mutually contribute to each others’ lives in positive ways

☽ Love will persevere and heal as its meant to, in both my relationship and family. Everything will be okay and work out just fine, if not better, than I expect. Pavel and I will be okay and keep growing together, and my family will be okay in staying healthy and strong through this time as something better arises for my dad’s work situation. 

M A N T R A S

☽ I am focused on what matters right now.

☽ I am strong, powerful, and capable of doing what I set my mind to. 

☽ I have a kind and beautiful energy that anyone would be lucky to have.

☽ I can find presence and joy in the little moments.

☽ I can find patience and trust that everything will happen as its meant to. 

#reflection #2020 life #words #personal #new moon

[veroniicaflores]

task 001: character introduction.

(admin tangerine, 21, est) ☼ who’s that hottie, standing outside the love hotel? it’s VERONICA FLORES, a BISEXUAL CIS FEMALE, who looks a lot like NATHALIE KELLEY! NIKKI’s insta bio says SHE is a STYLIST and is looking for a fun time this summer. SHE is into DADDY KINK & GROUP SEX, but not into SCAT & BLOOD PLAY. by the way, SHE reminds me of ORANGE POPSICLES & COLORFUL SUNSETS.

quick infos:

full name: veronica eleanor rosemary flores (i swear i have never watched dynasty EVER and i was told this is the last name of nat’s character.... too late)

dob: august 23rd 1988 (she’ll turn 31 this year)

pob: las vegas, nevada.

kinks: daddy***/mommy kink, mild roughness,  group sex, public sex, receiving oral (eat her out good and she’ll marry you... too soon) although she enjoys giving oral to girls and/or strap-ons/dildos, mutual masturbation, nipple play, hair pulling squirting, spanking, consensual somnophilia.

anti kinks: blood play, wax play, electric stimulation, bondage, very rough sex, scat, foot play, humiliation & extreme anal (fingering and butt plugs are fine, but there will be very rare anal sex).

3 favorite things: dancing naked at 2am to some electronic music or old rock songs, italian gelato (she’d give you a handjob for a raspberry gelato) & puppies videos on instagram.

3 things she hates: spiders or bugs of any sorts (excluding spider man or ant man or black widow wink wink), people who lack of respect & compassion, bad hair days.

+2 positive traits: easygoing & compassionate

-2 negative traits: gullible & jealous

wanted connections:

ex-husband: idk where i’m going with this, but i have a feeling this would be so interesting if he’d come back to the hotel and they’d reconnect after a few years of being apart and not speaking. bonus points for high sexual tension and cute stuff! 

daddy and/or mommy: just that “caring, loving but also can please all your needs” vibe. spoiler alert, she won’t be the mommy, she’s too much of a sub for that.

femme fatale: just a woman, preferably younger whom nikki just can’t resist. someone with dominant tendencies. or someone around her age too! 

friends with benefits: GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS 

sexual tension: it says it all. 

headcanons

childhood + teenage years + early twenties:

only child of a loving family of restaurant owners, veronica inherited the best conditions to become a traditional girl from a just as typical and traditional family. she was loved by her parents, she loved them. she learned to cook at a very young age and had a noticeable talent. she was the preppy girl from the picture perfect family. she had a dog, alfredo, that she rescued from the streets and who became her only friend for most of her childhood.

in high school, she bonded with a pair of twin siblings who came from a completely different background. from what she knew, their parents were big gamblers and lost most of their savings in casino nights. these people had that edge and gave that down to earth vibe nikki admired yet could not completely comprehend. they were a dynamic trio that balanced one another perfectly. jack (npc) was a total artist who encouraged nikki to express herself, valerie (npc) was very analytical and had a talent at reading through nikki while nikki herself was that sweet figure who was easy to please and could easily please everyone.

when they graduated, valerie confessed she had no idea what she would be doing with her future with no money at all. they were sitting in nikki’s family restaurant and drinking beer in cask with nostalgia and a part of sadness. jack had big plans, he found an apartment in san francisco and wanted to become a graphic designer. nikki, however, was torn between taking over the family business or making a living of her own. that was when valerie drunkenly suggested to work at one of the newly opened strip clubs nearby their neighborhood.

so she did.

she turned 18 when she realized she had lost so many years to living in a mold she no longer fit in. she was more than just preppy church outfits and cooking sundays with her mother, she was more than a daddy’s girl who washed tables when the restaurant was closed. what did adults always say? a good education promised a good future, so, veronica applied to the college of southern nevada for a degree in communications with a minor in women’s studies. she had no idea where she was heading, but it was a start.

her parents contributed by driving from class to home every day, they paid her more adult looking clothing and they finally gave her the freedom she never knew she needed until she reached majority.

although jack disappeared from her life, valerie remained very present. they did as they agreed and found a job at a high end strip club in vegas. they made good money instantly without having to do nasty stuff nikki had never been introduced to. within a few months, they saved enough to get matching tattoos, new jewelry and pay for valerie’s apartment. the club provided a living area a few blocks away, but valerie felt better living on her own. nikki tried to mingle and fit in with the other girls, but they were too different. maybe it was the education, maybe it was the background, but the trashy side of this job did not interest the italian girl more than that.

veronica worked as a stripper during college until she graduated with a degree that would soon become irrelevant and useless. with contribution from her parents who never even judged her for her job (it was true nikki did tell them it was just a dancing studio) and with her savings, veronica moved out of nevada and headed to california.

now

she worked in clothing stores, in malls and eventually in expensive boutiques. the other sellers and all the clients noticed she had a talent for matching outfits, accessories and every details making sure the person who wore them would be at their best. eventually, she started doing this as a side line. she promoted her skills on social media and got quite the hype. she worked for magazines and influencers. she became a private stylist as well. no rest for the wicked! 

along the way, she met the man who would become her husband. they really had a perfect marriage. being career driven and uncertain of being able to meet her parents’ expectations, she could not lie to herself. the marriage ended in a peaceful and respectful divorce. she is still convinced he is the love of her life. 

at 26, she started a youtube channel when she became a bit bored of her casual job. on her channel (youtube.com/user/floralpatternslover), she does a lot of hauls, diy accessories, storytimes, recipe tutorials and various challenges. she has 2 millions subscribers and just as many instagram followers. nikki lives off of that more nowadays. she tries to post at least once a week on youtube to keep the ad revenue coming. 

she makes a lot of money, but she really doesn’t act like it. she thrives on late night trips to 7/11 or on dollar store snacks and stuff. she gives a lot of money back to charity, and clothes back to other organizations as well. similar to chris klemens, 

headcanons

BIGGEST SUB AND BABY ENERGY YOU HAVE EVER MET. she’s just... so willing and vulnerable, it’s crazy. make sure your muse can handle that!

she will never take the lead, or, well, almost never. if she feels really needy, she might initiate things and suggest certain positions and actions, but otherwise, you choose and she obeys.

she works with clothes all the time, love clothes, sleeps on her bed covered with clothes because she’s too lazy to put them back in her walk-in closert... yet she would live naked 24/7 if she could. she goes from 0 to 100 real quick when it comes to exhibitionism!

she LOVES sex. passionate sex. sex for sex. group sex. watching sex. she’s really into it. it takes her mind off everything else. 

once again i repeat i have never watched dynasty and now i’m playing two fcs from the show TALK ABOUT A COINCIDENCE i’m sorry about the last name thing, i just thought it fit 

alsoooooo i was very attached to lea as a fc generally, but especially for nikki. it was hard choosing someone else :( i hope nathalie can fit!

#lvhtl.intros #about nikki. #lvhtl.tasks

[aalt-ctrl-del]

there is a lot of information regarding how to regulate yourself if you suspect you come down with covid-19. But we lack so many facts and factors. Below is a whole rant about how trump is assisting the virus in killing uneducated and frightened people. I don’t really care, because like I said, I’ll jump off a bridge if he tells me not to.

basically the gist, hydroxychloroquine is an anti-inflammatory agent doctors pretty much hate right now. Like bayer, advil, and other anti-flame agents, it can impede the bodies chances of surviving an encounter with the Covid/Coronavirus - because the body is left vulnerable, and unable to keep the virus in check. The only way the body recovers from Covid, is through the successful production of anti-bodies engineered to fight the virus and destroy it in the body. The body runs a fever and endures the inflammation, because there is a problem - inflammation bad. Fever bad. But they are essential for telling the body there is a problem - the fever is the body killing off virus, until the anti-bodies are produced. Without the fever, the body is overrun by the virus, the more virus that is produced, the higher and more dangerous the fever, the longer the fever is set - this leads to brain death. Inflammation leads to damage lungs, which leads to brain death.

Hydroxychloroquine might make you feel okay for a while, but you’re not recovering. The symptoms are being treated, but not the cause. You’re not doing what is supposed to be done, if the body feels fine, then why should it produce the antibodies? We can delve into sudden decline and death. Which is the case for many people who “feel fine” under Covid19, and then go into sudden death. But these matters are very precarious, because hydroxychloroquine can be utilized as a last effort to keep the lungs working, under duress of the viral invasion; 

BUT HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE IS A LAST GO TO FOR THOSE WHO ARE CERTAINLY GOING TO DIE OTHERWISE WITHOUT INTERVENTION.

trump promotes this hydroxychloroquine, which even in the correct form and not the fish tank cleaner, is very-very dangerous. Doctors DO NOT want to utilize hydroxychloroquine, they want to stay away from it if at all possible. But we know trump has stock and business with hydroxychloroquine, why? I dunno. Its a big name he can pronounce, and a few people that were administered it, recovered from Covid 19. BUT the concept of a supposed outcome, given information, does not make it correct.

Example - People are buying toilet paper because there is a shortage. This fact is not correct nor true. The fact is, supplies of toilet paper are limited, and there is a shortage. That is the fact to why there is no toilet paper. And I have information regarding the TP topic, but that’s irrelevant.

Doctors want to administer hydroxychloroquine to patients with Covid, about as much as they want to put people on ventilators. Ventilators are the last ditch effort, you’re chances of survival of Covid is very dire if you go onto a ventilator (or generator, if you’re tump). Likewise, a ventilator will not cure you of covid 19.

trump promotes the worst medical treatment of them all - arguably more detrimental than chlorine or bleach drinking - because he does not understand medicine, science, or facts. Hydroxychloroquine is the ABSOLUTE AND POSITIVELY WORSE MEDICINE TO TAKE IF YOU SUSPECT YOU HAVE COVID 19.

trump is essentially telling everyone to snort advil, or bayer. Hydroxychloroquine is an inflammatory agent, which is why it is prescribed to those with Lupus. We do not want people hyped up on inflammatory agents if they have Covid 19. YOU HAVE A HIGH CHANCE OF MINIMIZING YOUR CHANCE OF RECOVERY. YOU WILL PRIME YOURSELF FOR A FAST PASS FOR DEATH.

The anti-viral agents doctors are administering, are showing effectiveness, because those treatments are designed to kill virus cells, or lessen the impact. At this point we need a vaccine to insure our immunity, but the viral treatments cannot kill the virus because they are not engineered for that specific scalawag. This is why it’s experimental, but the results are promising. Many other factors regarding health and past treatments, age, inherited conditions, will have weight on viral treatments effectiveness - but the viral treatments are what doctors will lean on. That is the go to for assured victory and safe recovery.

BUT AALT!?!?!? HOW PEOPLE RECOVER WITH HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, THEY NO DYE?!?!?! FACXS CUNFOOSING!!!!

When doctors place a person on a ventilator, it is the last ditched effort to keep that individual alive while the body produces the essential anti-bodies. The only way to survive the virus, is build your immune system to match the naughty infectious boi. The fever is natural. WE ABSOLUTELY DO WANT A TASTY FEVER. But this is dangerous, when the fever exceeds 101 degrees F 38 C, FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. We want a good fever, we want SOME inflammation - these are essential things the body does to KEEP THE VIRAL NAUGHTIEST IN CHECK SO THEY DON’T KILL A BITCH.  WE ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE THAT FEVER.

This is the exact reasons why doctors HATE hydroxychloroquine. They won’t use it. BUT BUT AND BUT if the body is overrun by virus, and out of control with fever - if the person has medical issues which go bankrupt with the SUPER FEVER AND INFLAMMATION, then hydroxychloroquine will be administered. Not because it’s a good idea, but because that fever and inflammation is killing the person. The body and person are losing a battle and dying, they go onto the ventilator and maybe hydroxychloroquine to keep them STABLE until THE ESSENTIAL ANTIBODIES ARE PRODUCED.

NO ONE EVER GOES TO THE DOCTOR FOR COVID 19, AND THE DOCTOR GOES “SHOOT THEM FULL OF HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE. THAT’LL NIP IT RIGHT IN THE BUTT” 

Hydroxychloroquine and ventilators are utilized, when the person is going to die. You can’t do worse with these two things, it is essentially the last effort to keep a person living longer. Ventilators and hydroxychloroquine are used to extend the persons life, while the antibodies are produced. I know I keep repeating this, but some of ya’ll don’t look at medicine and it SHOWS. The ventilators don’t cure a person of Covid, hydroxychloroquine won’t cure a person. Not even the viral agents currently used, will cure the person. The difference between the viral agents, like the malaria drug and I think the HIV treatment, is that these cells are killing- THESE ARE THE DRUGS ACTIVELY ENGINEERED FOR VIRAL NAUGHTY BOIS, AND ARE KILLING THE VIRAL COVID. But Covid is not the intended target of the viral agents, thus it has resistance, or recovery to the viral medication - but the viral medication keeps the Covid naughties in check, while the body produces the anti-bodies we really want. Like the fever, and the inflammation - keeping the virus in check until the anti-bodies can go to town, is our jam right now. Fever and Inflammation are devastating if they are not monitored by a medical professional, the body can go overboard when the virus takes hold - but that is why it is super essential not to stop off at hydroxychloroquine vile, until your condition is evaluated.

trump is essentially prescribing a substance to his gullible followers, that will KILL THEM. I mean, fine, I don’t care. Im still planning on jumping off the Bridge. When trump is telling people to take hydroxychloroquine, he’s telling them to take the drug which will weaken the bodies initial capacity for keeping the virus in check - it’s like, giving the virus steroids, or tossing gasoline onto the house fire. Really. Which is why doctors WONT USE HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE, unless as a last effort to keep the body stable. Hydroxychloroquine is for the dying patient, who may not recover, because the body is killing itself in its effort to kill SOME of the virus. But when a person takes hydroxychloroquine prematurely - as a precaution - it’s giving the virus a head start; because that person is treating symptoms, not the cause. But that’s trumps tendency, avoid the problem.

IT WILL KILL YOU IF YOU GET COVID 19. YOU WILL DIE. YOU WON’T HAVE A CHANCE. THERE IS NO DEBATE AND NO DOUBT.

REcap - viral agents doctors are working with kill the virus, so the body will have THE TIME TO MAKE ANTIBODIES WHICH WILL LEAD TO THE PERSON’S RECOVERY. viral agents in effect perform the same function as hydroxychloroquine, but because they are treating the cause - infectious naughty bois - the fever is kept in check. The body does not need to work as hard to kill a virus that is being taken care of, and the antibodies will be issued shortly. Hopefully. 

BUT! trump wants people to take hydroxychloroquine, which will protect the virus, nurture it, keep it safe, and insure it thrives in that person. This is actively aiding the invisible enemy. That is what is going on here. This is why doctors avoid hydroxychloroquine; yes, it can save the person, but initially it will safeguard the virus. This is why they hate it. Or, so I would gather. 

But there are factors you need to understand, if you do run the best fever. Because our information is so limited of Covid, it is hard to gather what sort of fevers and inflammation are acceptable. A fever is good, inflammation is good - you can’t have one without the other, it’s physically impossible. But too much of a good thing is really fucking bad. And people have felt fine with Covid-19, gone to take a nap, and just don’t wake up. This has happened numerous times. But we don’t have all the stories, because the dead can’t talk. You’re body can pitch into decline SO FAST. It has been difficult for people to estimate where they are in the danger territory, because American society is in the “this is Fine” mode. We don’t have reliable healthcare. We don’t go to the doctor when we need to, and that there is killing people too. How can a doctor treat a person effectively, when they don’t know that person’s health state in the first place?

and here we have a delusional, sociopath prescribing the one thing that will insure a virus’ victory. 

I am so sorry Louis and Emily

#im not a doctor btw #trump #covid 19 #corona virus #coronavirus #hydroxychloroquine #fever #inflammation #virus #viral agents #malaria #hiv #you can decline fast in covid town #pneumonia #admittedly there is some information here because im not a chemist #i tried to explain the situation #but please go to the doctor if you suspect you may not survive covid #its like really hard to say IS IT SAFE TO GO TO DOCTORS? #like in new york is it safe?

[jpat82]

Nameless

Chapter 7

     Drip.. drip.. drip.

     It seemed like ages had passed since the creature had left you, the stench still filled the cave. The slow throbbing in your head wouldn't go away, the rolling nausea was ever present, and your shoulders were beginning to ache from being pulled back for so long.

    You kept testing the chains trying to pull them apart but you couldn't gain any leverage. Anger fueled you, you had tried more then once to stand but found your arms had not only been looped multiple times but also shackled to the rock wall behind you. You needed to get home, needed to protect your family, and hell or high water that bastard wouldn't lay a single hair on any of their heads if you had anything to do with it, especially Luca.

———

    "What is it Bucky?" Steve asked, wincing as he stood to his full height looking in the same direction that his friend did. The corner of Bucky's mouth pulled up as the dust cloud continued to get bigger and the figure dead center became larger.

     "My Silver lining." Bucky smirked, Steve watched as figure really began to take shape. It was a man, running faster then any other man he had ever seen, except one. His hair, dark at the root faded to silver, whipped lightly around the back of his back from the speed he was going. Steve's eyes widen, realizing who it was.

     "Great, another vampire." Loki muttered under his breath as he rolled his eyes.

     "Pietro." Bucky stated as the man slowed down to a leisurely walk.

     "Hey Buck." He replied taking Bucky's out stretched hand. "Steve. So good news and bad news."

     "Let me guess, you remembered that you have purpose in your bleak existence and you forgot to put antiperspirant on?" Loki jabbed as he walked around looking at foot prints in attempt to find which way the offending beasts had went.

     Pietro shot the wolf a look, his teeth started to descend. His pale eyes slowly turned red, every muscle tightened.

    "Loki, if you must make comments please keep them to yourself." Bucky snapped, the wolf rolled his eyes again and let out a dramatic sigh.

    "As I was about to tell you, you sent me to find out if there were any other hunters. Good news is there is none in any of the surrounding towns or the ones over." Pietro relayed, his light accent catching on some of the words. "However a lot of the towns have turned into.. hang on, what happened here?"

     "Oh, just the wolves decided to lay out an entire building." Steve told him as he pulled up his shirt, the wound had healed leaving a small red scratch behind.

     "Oh, I do believe you help." Loki snarled, Thor ignoring everyone as he kept his nose to the ground, his coat catching the beginning rays of moonlight shining lightly.

     "I wasn't the one that went through the supporting wall of the building." Steve shot back.

     "No, you threw one of the stench filled vile creatures into a support beam taking down the second level." Loki retorted, his eyes taking on an emerald color as he squared up to the man.

     "Enough!" Bucky commanded.

      "That wasn't what I meant. This town was thriving when I came through here months back. Filled with people and children playing in the street, now it's a ghost town like the rest." Pietro explained walking between Steve and Loki, ignoring the angered looks between them.

      "I've got them!" Thor snarled, his head snapping up, looking off towards the plains before him.

     "Good, find y/n and decimate them!" Bucky all but snarled, anger filled his voice.

     Loki grinned at Steve as his bones and muscle began to move, shifting before the vampire to the wolf he was. Eyes bright green locking onto Steve's red before turning and sprinting to his brother. Steve's lips curled up in disgust, Loki knew how much Steve hated seeing the transformation.

     "Bucky, is it possible? This stench, Wanda and I encounter it before, long before we met you. I thought they were gone." Pietro said, worrying undertones came through in his voice.

    "I'm afraid it is." Bucky replied, as he started to walk in the direction the wolves had taken. "Pietro, follow the wolves."

    "What is it then?" Steve asked, following, watching as the man rushed out.

     Bucky took a deep breath, not really wanting to say what they were out loud. He watched as Pietro caught up to the wolves passing them with ease.

     "What can't you keep up?" He heard the silver haired vampire call out. No doubt Loki thinking about ripping him to pieces.

——

     "Wanda, what's the matter?" Clint asked as he held Luca for moment after readying himself to go with the others to find Bucky like he had asked of them.

     "I just have this really bad feeling, like death." She replied, staring out the windows that looked over the forest. The moonlight turning the leaves silver, everything looking calm and serene out there but she couldn't shake this feeling.

     "Oh, don't curse me now." Clint laughed lightly as he handed her back the child.

     "Clint, you and the others be careful." She told him with earnest, she looked back at her family.

    Each one ready, for what battle they didn't know but the fact y/n and Steve had missing for two nights and Bucky and the wolves had yet to return meant there would be a battle. Vision walked over to her and kissed her forehead gently, he smiled down at her. Usually he had a calming effect on her but tonight it made the uneasiness in her stomach worse.

      "We'll be back soon, I promise." He told her.

      "Vis." She sighed as he stepped away and walked back to the rest.

     The family left without another word, taking off into the night. She knew they would be able to catch up Bucky and the rest fairly easily as Bucky would of left a trail for them to find. It wasn't that she was worried they wouldn't be able to find a place to hunker down before daylight hit. No, it was the sense of pure dread.

    She could felt the tightening in her chest, one she hadn't felt in years.

    Shadows, wraiths, pure evil. Ones that killed adult humans for fun if they didn't find them useful, they stole children, brainwashed them so they could turn them into more of their kind. Wanda held Luca a bit tighter as his finger curled around her auburn hair.

——-

     You screamed at the top of your lungs as you pulled as hard you could against the chains feeling the small bones in your hands begin to snap and dislocate. The chains slowly, centimeter by centimeter began to slide down your injured hands. Tears trickled down your cheeks as the pain began to become almost unbearable but you didn't relent. You kept pulling your body forward, away from the chains that were tethered to the wall of the cave.

     You heard the metal of the last loop ring against the floor as the last chain slid down and you brought your arms in front of your body and pulled you broken hands to your chest. It would take them a bit but they heal.

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[purplesurveys]

692

How old were you when you had your first crush? The first crush I had that wasn’t a celebrity or a teacher was when I was 12. If you're a girl, how old were you when you started your period? It was a month after I turned 10. By that time I was just entering Grade 4 and when we were asked who had already gotten theirs, only a handful of hands shot up haha. I was an early bird for sure. What is your worst period story? Pretty obvious TMI warning here. Happened last December. I was visiting a photo studio to test if they were going to be suitable for my college batch’s grad shoot and unfortunately my period started in the middle of the trip. Even more unfortunately the trip was all the way in fucking BINANGONAN, which meant I couldn’t have access to napkins for the entire drive. I had to cross my legs real tight to avoid any leakage but at the time we got to the studio, my crotch area was soaked nonetheless. I had to ask for napkins from the studio staff, but thank god they were the nicest people ever and didn’t hesitate to hand me one. Does anyone else know who your first crush was besides you? Gabie knows. I think she’s the only one who knows, but I also think Pia asked me at one point too, so maybe her as well. What was your most embarrassing moment? I have at least one everyday.

What are your worst cramps like? Leg cramps that wake me up at 4 AM, without a doubt. Those always end me in tears no matter how old I am. What is the most physically painful thing you have ever experienced? Either my foot infection back in ‘09 or the toothache I had a few months back. I had no idea a TOOTH could send me crying almost every night or wake me up in the middle of the night just from being so painful. Oh and the time I ripped my ear piercing off. What are you allergic to? I’m not allergic to anything... at least I haven’t encountered anything I turned out to be allergic to. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? I’ve never seriously wanted to be a particular person, but I’ve found myself fantasizing about if I were richer. Have you ever been jealous of someone? Sure. Have you ever been jealous of a friend? Yeah. Just mostly high school stuff though, like the time Erk kept getting Gabie away from me and I got super fed up about it at one point that I stopped talking to Gab for like a month lmao. Do you feel shy around someone when you are first getting to know them? Yeah of course. Aren’t most of us? Do you feel shy around a crush? I get both shy and distant. What color hair did your first crush have? Black. Do you ever cry in public unwillingly, or are you able to hold it in? I’m able to hold it in because I hate making a scene. I just keep swallowing the lump in my throat and try to blink less. Do you throw up involuntarily when you have to, or can you swallow it down? I also can swallow it down as long as I have to. But if I really need to throw up I run to the nearest toilet. What's one near-embarrassing moment you had? Uhh idk. If I can tell something is going to be embarrassing I usually already feel pretty embarrassed about it, regardless if I’m saved from the embarrassment or not. Do you ever call yourself stupid? Yeah. Just yesterday BoJack Horseman’s “You’re a stupid piece of shit" kept replaying in my head all afternoon and evening. What was the name of your first imaginary friend? Katrina. She was my first and last. What's one weird habit you have? When I get my usual drink at Starbucks, my first sip has to be a long one and I usually savor it by closing my eyes and letting out a contented sigh haha. Only then can I start working.  Are you more of an open or a private person? I’m a bit of both, if that makes sense? I keep my shit private when they aren’t being raised, but when someone asks me about them I have no problem being an open book. Do you wish you could be more open with others? No, I already am. Do you feel ashamed? Not permanently lmao, but I feel it every now and then. Do you get embarrassed easily? Yes. Do you have regrets? Some. Have you ever fallen asleep in class? Never. I feel like – aside from being disrespectful – it’s an embarrassing thing to happen, especially if you’re caught and get scolded for it, so I make it a point not to let it happen to me. What was the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive? [Big trigger warning: Domestic violence] The day my grandpa said sorry to each of us in the family for beating up my baby cousin in a drunken stupor. After that he left the house for the week, presumably out of shame, then he came back to ask for forgiveness from each of us. I was desensitized to all of the violence I’ve seen at that point, so my 9 year old self gave him a shrug. Is there anyone you hate? No, not hate. Is there anything or anyone you're angry at, that you haven't forgiven yet? I don’t plan on forgiving my deadbeat uncle or my brother anytime soon. List five of your biggest bullies. A lot of people bullied me for my name and looks when I was younger, but they’re all irrelevant in my life now and I’ve forgotten all of them save for two – Kaira (who’s my friend now) and Sophia (who I don’t like just as much as when I was 4). Have you ever plotted revenge against someone? I’ve fantasized about revenge but never plotted anything. Have you ever done anything to get revenge against someone? Nope. ^If so, do you regret it, and did you apologize later? Have you ever had a friend crush (i.e., you really wanted to be their friend)? Yeah I remember being like this with Macy. She’s changed quite a bit these days and we don’t talk anymore, which I find sad considering what we’ve gone through in the last couple of years. What is the greatest longing of your heart? Money. The rest of my desires - happiness, contentment, the material things I want - comes after I have money lol. Who was your first love? Gabie. What was the last thing someone said that warmed your heart? Chesca said something very sweet to me and it was something I needed to hear, but explaining it would need too much background context so suffice it to say, she reassured me when I needed it most. Do you pray regularly? Nope. ^If so, to whom? Do you love Jesus? What church do you go to? I’m not religious but my mom is, and she drags the entire family to church every Sunday. That said we go to a specific parish within our area, because that’s what we’re a part of. What denomination is your church (if you go)? Catholic. What was the first year you voted in a presidential election? 2016. How old were you when the year changed to 2000? At exactly January 1? I was a year old, but I was turning 2 that year. Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? Not really, but it certainly has felt like the end of the world these days. This is the kind of shit you only ever get to read about in textbooks, so it’s feeling a little surreal. Do you enjoy public speaking? If I’m prepared for it and/or I enjoy what it is I have to talk about. What food makes you gag? Pineapple, raisins, or ice cream with nuts. Who was your first celebrity crush? Ashley Tisdale when she was Maddie in Suite Life of Zack & Cody. I also lowkey liked the mom, hahaha. What show did you want to be on when you were younger? Hi-5 when I was extremely younger; the kiddie crowds looked so lit 😩 Hahaha but when I got a bit older, I wanted to be in Legends of the Hidden Temple or be one of the people splashed with slime at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Looking at my answer I could now tell I was definitely a Nickelodeon kid. What was your childhood dream? To be an astronaut, to be a wrestler, and to have a big house with a swimming pool. Did you ever fulfill your childhood dream? I have 0/3 achieved, but it’s okay. My wants have mostly changed. What is your dream now? I still want a big house with a pool for sure lmao, but I mostly just dream of having enough money all my life and never having to worry about finances or having to ask people. What is your passion? History has always been my biggest one. Are you living your dream? Not yet. Do you receive insults or compliments more? Compliments, but that’s because I don’t let myself thrive in an environment where I’d get insults more because yanno, self-care? Lol. What is unfair about your life? Bad past presidents and how it’s led our country to be in the miserable state it’s in today, whereas I have to see other countries flourish in their unbelievably competent governments and see how these countries have public parks, libraries, playgrounds, etc. I don’t know what I did in my past life to have to end up in the Philippines hahahahaha, but here we are today. What about your life would you change? I wish my dog can stay with me forever. Did you write love poems when you were younger? Nope. Who are you jealous of and why? I’m not really feeling jealousy at the moment. When someone hurts you, do you start to feel jealous of them? No? Why would that happen? Name five people you know who have everything handed to them. Idkkkkk. I don’t wanna namedrop anyone for something like this lol. Name one person you know who is spoiled rotten. Boomers? Name one person you know who seems stuck-up. I know someone but I’m not naming him on here lmao. Name a church that just wants money. All of them? LOL at least all the Catholic ones, I can’t speak for the other denominations. What is your least favorite chore? I really hate folding clothes. Have you ever had an account of yours hacked? Yeah but like by a virus or something, not a person. Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? Nah. But traffic enforcers have been incredibly rude to me before. Do you keep a diary? This one. What color is the diary you are currently using? It doesn’t really come with a color... Do you actually write "Dear Diary"? Only in the diaries I kept as a kid, because it’s what I saw in cartoons. When was the last time you wrote and sent someone a letter? December. I included a handwritten letter in my Christmas gifts for Gab. Do you write in cursive or print more? Print. Have you ever self-harmed? Duh.

#survey #surveys

[ryuukia]

[Translation] Tsukiuta. -if- Black Rabbits Kingdom Booklet Novel: Noon

This took a bit more than I was expecting (I caught one hell of a cold so I’m slow, sorry) but finally here’s the second chapter from the black booklet. This was really a rollercoaster. Going from rabbits kooking to d’aaaaaw-ing over Aoi and Hajime.

Assisting translators and proofreaders: @ryota-kunstranslations and @moonlit-manifesto (thank you so much again!!)

Please don’t repost/reuse my translations.

A yawn could be heard, subtly breaking the ordinary humdrum.

He just laughed the moment he got caught.

“You woke up just a while ago, but you’re sleepy already?”

“Nn…… I guess.”

The fact that he didn’t even deny it made me smile even more.

The sight of him smiling and chuckling softly just gives off that “as expected of the prince” impression.

It’s hard to imagine that this face was covered in mud and playing in the back alleys 10 years ago.

However, that is also true.

——In this world, no [royal family] was born.

On a certain day and at a certain time, the one to take over as the leader of our species, our [king], was suddenly elected through a revelation from heaven.

There was no prior notice, and things like birthplace, breed, age, gender were irrelevant.

That guy next door whom you considered to be your equal could suddenly become the [king] overnight. All in all, this world’s structure is unusual and surprising.

That is the way our world has continued to exist for a long time.

How is the [king] chosen by heaven?

At what time will the [king] be appointed?

What is this “heaven” in the first place?

It seems that this topic has been investigated by higher-ups and scholars for a long time, though in the end no clear answer has been offered.

But even so, people know.

Normally, in one person’s lifetime, it’s possible for a number of people to suddenly hear the voice of heaven at least three times.

“Aah, our king was born just now,” was what they’d say excitedly as they looked up at the sky.

The [king] and the [prime minister].

Those two are the pillars of the country, the people who create the foundation.

They will be born no matter what time period, they have no imperfections, and they are one with the world.

[Prince]

An individual so rare and unusual that he is born once every few hundreds of years.

During the period when a [prince] exists, the country flourishes, nature thrives, and due to the grandeurs he brings, he’s considered a symbol of happiness by many.

One theory says that the [prince] is born when the [king]’s power is too great, in order to take over some of that overflowing power, or something along those lines…… Although the theory exists, the real truth is still unknown.

The only thing I need to know is that my childhood friend, Aoi, is this country’s [prince], the one considered by everyone a symbol of happiness.

“The [prince], huh?”

“Hm? What’s with you all of a sudden, Arata?”

“No…...I was wondering, if I stay by Aoi-kun’s side, who is a lucky symbol, I might experience a very lucky ‘encounter’ with someone of the opposite gender or something.

I opened my mouth without any particular thought in my mind and I was already saying something stupid.

But as I was doing so I started to think (hey, that’s not that bad).

On the other hand, Aoi’s shoulders stiffened, and soon after he showed a tight-lipped smile.

(Oh, good grief)

For the longest time, this guy has been especially popular and yet when it comes to topics like these he really can’t handle them.

“......Uhm……That kind of complex… thing… happening that might be lucky for some people is out of range for my power, I think...... probably...”

“Eeh~......”

Whoops, the voice I let out sounded more dissatisfied than I intended it to be.

Ah, look, Aoi’s eyes became colder.

“…...Arata. If you have spare time, please peel those apples over there.”

“Apples? Oh, these ones? Roger, roger.”

It’s not a good idea to anger Aoi who, despite being kind to everyone, doesn’t really go easy on me.

I went to the basket of deep red apples and picked one up from the pile, proceeding to help out as I was told.

A refreshing fragrance tickles my nose.

And without realizing, I snorted. The fruit looked delicious.

‘I want you to bake an apple pie for the king! Ah, but I also want some too! As many as you can make!’

When Kakerun begged Aoi for his share in such an admirable and imploring manner, it was impossible to refuse.

Aoi and Kakeru are on good terms with each other.

When the words ‘for the king’ are attached to a request, its completion is prone to be expedited more so than before.

Well, that’s not only true for Aoi, but everyone born in this country would have almost the same reaction.

As expected from Aoi, he answered ‘with pleasure’ almost immediately as he placed all the supposedly important documents to his left side.

It’s unusual for someone as serious as Aoi to postpone work, despite having enough time left until the deadlines.

However, nobody could blame him.

Prime Minister Haru-san was with us when the discussion took place, and after five minutes he returned with these apples and big expectations for the execution of that pie.

And so have I.

Aoi’s homemade sweets are delicious.

I took out a knife from behind as I hummed a song and picked up an apple with the other hand. After that, I suddenly noticed something.

“Hm? Don’t you usually boil them first when you make apple pie?

“Eh? Ah, yes. That’s right. Today is special.”

Before I realized it, Aoi, who was right beside me, was already kneading the dough with a technique he’s so used to as he explained to me:

“Haru-san will use the peeled skin to make apple tea. We can have that together with the pie.”

“Eeh. Apple tea……. It’s the first time I've heard about something like that, but it sounds delicious.”

“Right? Today’s tea time will be filled with apples.”

Aoi’s humour and laughter is completely as usual.

He’s never angry, irritated, or holds any sort of similar unpleasant feelings for a long time, and he can improve his mood immediately. For that, I consider Aoi a really good guy - always looking at what’s around him, always thinking about those around him and always moving.

“It must be tiring~” is what I’d like to think but really, it’s more of a “Well, that’s his personality. It’d be troublesome if he weren’t like that.”

(That’s how things are, huh?)

I wonder if that’s true.

That’s why Aoi is the prince.

(Ah, but there are times when Aoi’s surroundings make me worry too. It’s always so lively.)

I won’t forget.

One week after Aoi moved to the castle, I was suddenly summoned.

——The castle is situated in the center of the country, a literal centerpoint.

For the members of the general public, the ordinary people, it’s also pretty much a disconnected area.

I was brought to such a place by the older brother of the envoy who was accepted under the ‘king’s imperial command’, and entered in secret through the backdoor.  

As the child I was, deep inside I was impatient to find out what important things might be there (even though my expression didn’t look anything like that). When I saw Aoi sleeping soundly as he clung closely to Hajime-san, it finally occurred to me that this was a fairly serious situation and that they were both very exhausted.

Nevertheless, Hajime-san told me something back then.

“He’s always crying at night.”

“Eh?”

“I’m sure he must be lonely. …...It’s my fault. This power was originally the burden of a single person, though I couldn’t prevent it from overflowing and a [prince] was born. He’s still a child.”

Aoi and I are the same age. Hajime-san is one year older (something I got to know afterwards).

Honestly, both of them are still [children].

However, Hajime-san, who considered Aoi to still be a ‘child’, seemed very strange to me at the time. Really, to me it felt a bit confusing that he was so mature in everything, save for his appearance.

While I was still bewildered, I said frankly.

“......If that’s the case, aren’t you, the king, also a child?”

Hajime-san opened his eyes a little.

And then, despite being faint and lasting only a few moments, he smiled.

“.......Maybe you’re right.”

After that, Hajime-san ignored the fact that I entered through the backdoor. When Aoi appeared and asked me why I was there with a face only he could make, I answered “It’s troublesome so I’ll live here.”

Hajime-san was surprised, but my reason was simple enough.

I didn’t want to see Aoi crying again, and the king also seemed to be interesting. I think I admired a little that envoy’s older brother who brought me here.

I thought that I wanted to look like that, too and that I wanted to have this job.

‘The envoy that was accepted under ‘the king’s imperial command’ …… sounded pretty good.

I’ve never told this to anyone, but at that time and even now, I aspire to be a ‘messenger of justice’.

So just like that, I started to live in the castle.

“Aoi……?”

“Yes?”

“Do you hate the fact that you became the [prince]?”

“...... You’re pretty direct, huh…”

“How would you like me to phrase it then?”

“Yeah, I get it. That’s so like Arata, huh.”

Aoi laughed out loud and raised his face from looking down at the bowl.

While looking straight into my eyes, he said.

“Not even once have I thought it to be something unpleasant. I am proud to be the [prince].”

I wonder why I felt relieved when I heard Aoi’s answer.

“Really?”

“Really.”

As soon as Aoi said that, his ears moved as if startled.

It’s become a habit of his when he’s searching for what to say.

It’s a habit of his when he’s serious.

That’s why I also showed my most serious expression (although apparently, it’s impossible to tell), and I waited for Aoi’s words.

“...... Perhaps, no matter what my heart might have wanted, I still would have accepted what the revelation declared. Even so, I’m definitely proud I was the one bestowed with this role. Someone has to do it, and I feel grateful for being chosen to do so.”

That fixed gaze Aoi displayed during our talk reminded me a bit of the king’s.

It might be because the [king] and the [prince] have an unusual bond, unbeknownst to any other person.

No, it might be because they resemble each other so much that those two became [king] and, respectively, [prince].

“It might sound like an excuse, but the reason why I cried when I was younger wasn’t because I disliked being the [prince]. I was…...just a little lonely.”

“You were lonely……?”

“Yes. I was lonely and scared because I had been suddenly separated from all the various things I had up until that point. It was a strange feeling. When I was closing my eyes, it was like I could see any corner of the world…… Being able to view to such a large extent was scary. It looked as if I was abandoned in that vast world…...”

“Really? …… A large visual field, huh?”

I was honestly impressed to find out the [king] and the [prince] have such powers.

I probably just heard a story that normally cannot be told so recklessly.

“However, now I know that’s not true. I can feel it. I was not abandoned by myself and I’m not a part of that wide world. We’re all together in this, everyone is supporting the world together with Hajime-san. That makes me happy. Happy and proud.”

Aoi said all that in one breath, then suddenly looked back at me.

His ears were fidgeting.

He has that habit when he’s restless.

“Uhm, well…. I got fired up because of this talk, but that’s how things are. I’m sorry I dragged you into this, though I am going to give my all for many years to come. That is my resolution.”

“What? I don’t think I was dragged in~. Rather than that…… Ah,”

The fact that I decided this by myself is a secret that I hadn’t revealed to Aoi until this very day.

So I shut my mouth in panic.

“?”

If I have to describe aloud being able to accomplish my dream job and my inner satisfaction, I could at least reduce the amount of teasing material.

So I decided to twist the story from the start.

“Hmm, actually, entering this place requires so many important things like procedures and appointments, but leaving is so simple. I only have to report that I’m going out, right?”

“Ah, yes. I was surprised by that too. It’s thanks to that fact that I can return home once in a while.”

That’s because you’re escorted (by me or someone else).

However, I’m certain when I say that the Kingdom of Black Rabbits is extremely peaceful.

People from other countries are envious of us, we have a good government managed by Hajime-san, and I can say that there’s no one here who’d ever think of attacking the prince, who’s like a friend to everyone.

The guard is only an artifice, and as soon as he’s near his family’s house, Aoi becomes carefree.

“It’s disappointing. I also can go home only once per week. Even someone as lazy as me can be of service to the castle. When the Uduki family found out I made it to a place that offers three meals a day and a nap at noon, they shed tears of joy.”

“That’s an exaggeration. Also…… that noon nap is probably not included?”

“That one is well, more like an option.”

“You’re doing it without permission.”

Just as he laughed, Aoi took out the dough from the bowl.

He places it on the table and picks up the rolling pin.

I instinctively leaned forward.

“D-do you want to stretch it? Do you want to be the one to do it instead?”

“Arata, you sure do like watching me stretch the dough.”

“It seems fun. Stretching it, putting it back, then stretching it again. It reminds me of clay.”

“Aah……, Arata certainly liked playing with clay and mud, didn’t you? There was a time when you kept on making mud balls en mass by yourself. Though you made too many and I got angry.”

“You’re wrong, You didn’t get angry because I made too many. I encircled the entrance door’s perimeter with 5 layers of mud balls. My elder sister couldn’t get out.”

“Ahaha.”

Aoi uses the rolling pin skillfully and the dough grows thinner and wider.

(Wide…… huh? Maybe the world spreads out just like this.)

It becomes bigger, wider, and changes its shape, but something remained the same.

Hajime-san became the king, but he’s still Hajime-san.

Aoi became the prince, but he’s still Aoi.

#tsukiuta #tsukino production #six gravity #rabbits kingdom #Black Rabbits Kingdom Novel #english translation #uduki arata #satsuki aoi #mutsuki hajime #yayoi haru #haru is only mentioned again #someone protect hajime and aoi please #they're too precious #hajime was elected as king at 6 and aoi is one year younger and this also takes place in arata's childhood #you can figure out just how young they are when that crying scene takes place #waaaaah #tissues box my best friend