#I hate that the things about myself that I love are also things about myself that I hate

[secretsofafangirll]

oral fixation - m.s.

summary: matts girlfriend loves to have things in her mouth. when she gets home after a day of minor inconveniences, she seeks comfort from her boyfriend, in a rather, unconventional way.

warnings: oral (male receiving), praising, pet names (baby, sweetheart, etc.), soft!dom matt, sub!fem, talk of anxiety,

a/n: couple of things; one, the girl doesn't have a name so you can imagine whomever you'd like, two, i've started planning my Matt series...anyways, hope you guys like it! :)))

"A touch / From your real love / Is like heaven takin' the place of somethin' evil"

⏜︵♡︵⏜︵୨୧︵⏜︵♡︵⏜⏜︵♡︵⏜︵୨୧︵⏜︵♡︵⏜

For my entire life, I’ve loved having things in my mouth. 

When I was younger, it was impossible for my parents to get my thumb or my pacifier out of my mouth. The comfort that came from having the object resting in my mouth was too intense for me to leave behind. Behaviors like that followed me into childhood with things like gum or lollipops. In high school, I chewed copious amounts of gum, always had a pen or pencil in my mouth and played with my lips all the time. 

Naturally, when I managed to find myself a boyfriend, he became aware of my oral fixation in many ways. He would always notice how often I had things in my mouth or if I was biting my lips, he would offer me something else so I didn’t tear up the delicate skin. It got to a point where, if he and I were laying down together and one of his hands was unoccupied, I would simply reach down and grab his hand, bringing it to my mouth and wrapping my lips around one of his fingers and playing with it in my mouth. Of course Matt enjoyed this himself, but there were other ...situations, where this oral fixation benefitted him much more than putting a finger in my mouth. 

Matt also understood why I do what I do. Him and I both struggle with anxiety, and we both have for years. In high school, I was medicated for it and had a hard time getting through the day. However, I hated the way that the meds made me feel and I swore to my parents that I wasn’t going to take them anymore and that I’d find another way to cope. Matt copes with alone time and silence but I get more overstimulated than he does and when I do, all I want is to have something in my mouth and someone to touch. 

Which is why on days like these, anxiety ridden and insane days, I need my boyfriend and one of his extremities to rest between my lips. 

After several cars cutting me off on the road and almost hitting me on the way to the gym this morning, I was already slightly shaken up and worried for my safety. When I got to the gym, there was a man somewhat following me around, conveniently using all of the machines next to me. After that, I went to the grocery store in hopes that they had some grapes and snacks for me to feel better, they were out of seedless grapes which sent me into a frenzy about the way that the seeds feel in my mouth, and the self-checkout lanes were under renovation and I had to talk to the cashier to check out. 

I took shallow and quick breaths as I walked swiftly out to my car. I tossed the bag into the back seat and swung open the driver door. The second that I was enclosed in my car, in my space, I was able to calm myself down. Once I had myself under control, I started the car and drove home. When I arrived, I grabbed my things from the car and headed inside. I used my house key to unlock the front door, using my foot to close it behind me. I tossed my keys in the dish and heard Matt typing on the couch. 

“Hi baby,” He said without looking up. I didn’t respond because I just wanted to put the groceries I picked up away and sit with him. “Alright,” He said and continued typing away. 

I put the cold stuff in the refrigerator and the dry stuff in the pantry and cabinets before heading to his room to slide out my dirty and uncomfortable gym clothes and into one of his shirts. Once I was comfortable and the smell of his cologne filled my nostrils, I was finally ready to lay down next to him on the couch. 

“Sorry,” I murmured quietly, gently taking a seat next to him and pulling a blanket over my legs, curling into his side and latching onto one of his arms, “I just wanted to put those away so that I could sit with you.” 

I sat there looking for something of his to grab onto but his hands were occupied and I don’t think he’d appreciate it if I put anything else, if you know what I mean, in my mouth at the moment. I sighed quietly to myself and began to bite on my lips. 

“You don’t have to apologize,” He said, leaning over to kiss the top of my head. 

I continued my assault on my lips and I felt the skin tear and the metallic taste of my own blood rested on my tongue. When it started to hurt too bad to bite my lips, one of my hands found my mouth and I started to bite and suck on that instead, the other arm wrapping impossibly tighter around his. His elbow nudged my side and he looked over at me. 

“You doin’ okay?” He asked without looking away from his computer where he was replying to emails and taking notes in a Google Doc. I only hummed, unwilling to take my fingers out of my mouth. My lack of a real response, which I know he hated, made him finally look up at me. My eyes blinked guiltily at him when his brows went from furrowed to concerned, “Sweetheart,” He sighed and reached up to pull my hand away from my mouth. I flexed all of my muscles to keep it in my mouth but he tilted his head at me and pulled harder, his strength easily overpowering mine. 

“I’m sorry,” I sighed, relaxing my muscles and looking down my hands with guilt and embarrassment written all over my face. 

“Hey,” He said softly, reaching out to grab my jaw and gently pull my head up to look at him, “You don’t have to say sorry. There’s nothing to apologize for.” He shook his head and looked into my eyes for an explanation, “D’you have a bad day?” He asked and closed his computer screen ¾ of the way down. 

“Kind of,” I said, questioning in my tone, “I don’t even know. It’s just been, like, too much.” I tried to spit it out but I struggled to pin-point how, exactly, I felt. It was just too much.

“That’s okay, baby,” He cooed, “You want my hand?” My eyes widened in excitement and I nodded before correcting myself with a ‘Yes, please’. 

He brought his left forearm up to my mouth and I played with his long fingers trying to pick which one I wanted. I decided on the pointer first, but planned to use every finger but the pinky. He used his other hand to scroll through emails and business inquiries, also scrolling through pinterest to find inspiration for future videos. 

I, on the other hand, swirled my tongue mindlessly around his fingers, taking them all the way into my mouth and then back out, my saliva coating his fingers down the knuckle. Every so often, he would shift his hips slightly or clear his throat and scratch his neck. I knew how this was affecting him, but he also respected my needs more than his and wouldn’t want to make me uncomfortable. After close to twenty minutes had passed of my sucking on his fingers, he looked at the time on his computer and closed it all the way. He leaned back against the couch, his hand still in my mouth and he turned his head as it laid against the top of the couch and he watched me mindlessly play with his fingers. When I fully pulled off his middle finger alone, I pushed his ring finger to meet it and took them both fully into my mouth. He groaned and I snapped my eyes to meet him and worked my mouth around his fingers. 

“God, don’t fuckin’ look at me like that when you’ve got my fingers down your throat, honey,” He instructed gently, understanding of my rather fragile nature. I pulled off his fingers, letting my tongue teasingly drag across the length of them. 

“Sorry,” I swallowed to clear my throat and scooted closer to him. He reached across himself and wrapped his dry hand around my thigh and under my knee to pull me onto his lap. I squealed at the sudden movement but settled and nuzzled into his lap. 

“How many times are you gonna apologize, hm?” He questioned with a smile, tucking my hair behind my ears. 

“You know how I am, Matt,” I laughed and grabbed his wrists and put them on top of my thighs, encouraging him to tickle them. 

“Yeah, I do,” He smiled, “But that means that I know you’re gonna keep saying sorry until you feel better.” He accused me and I smiled like I’d been caught stealing, “What else do you need, baby?”

I blushed and looked down at my hands, “I don’t wanna-,”

“Oh, you’re gonna.” He said sternly. 

“I want you.”

“You have me.” He said and nudged my chin with his knuckle, “What do you need?”

“Need your cock,” I said quietly. 

“What was that?” He turned his ear toward me. 

“I need your cock, Matthew.” I said louder. 

“There she is.” He said and gently moved my thighs to allow me to sink to my knees in front of him. “See? Wasn’t that hard, no?” 

When I was comfortable at his feet, I worked to remove his belt and unbuckle his pants. He did the work of actually pushing them down. His hard cock sprung out of his pants and he hissed as the cool air penetrated the sensitive and tacky skin. His tip was lathered in a small amount of pre-cum and he pulsed and twitched slightly. I pouted at the sight for two reasons; one being that it made me want him in my mouth even more, and two, I felt bad for the state I’d put him in. 

“Matty,” I whined, tracing circles with the fingernails on his knees, “I didn’t know it was this bad. I’m sorry.” 

“If you say sorry one more time, all you’re getting is my fingers,” He tutted. My eyes widened in fear. 

“Okay, I’ll stop.” I promised and he smiled down at me. 

“Good girl.” 

I got to quick work pumping his cock in my hand to get him ready. His cock looked so big compared to my smaller hand. It didn’t even fit around the entire thing. He groaned and hissed at the stimulation, his breathing getting heavier and slightly more labored. Soon, I leaned down and gently licked the tip before wrapping my lips around the tip. Pleasure and comfort washed over me and I continued to sink my head down onto his dick. His hands gathered my hair in a make-shift ponytail on my head and he held my hair out of my face. He didn’t push my head down, he just simply aided me in my quest for comfort, which I was most definitely finding. 

“There you go baby,” He praised, “So fuckin’ good,” He whispered, more to himself than anyone else. 

I took his cock down my throat slowly, suppressing the slight gag reflex I still have, though it’s not too bad. I whined around his dick with comfort and need. 

“What baby?” He asked breathlessly, pulling me off him, “Why’re you whinin’? You got what you wanted, no?” 

“No!,” I protested, pushing his hands away, “I’m fine! I just love having you, s’all.” I explained with a smile before going back down on him. As I continued to work his cock, my body visibly relaxed and the sighs of content that left my mouth. Matt simply closed his eyes above me, opening them periodically to watch me take him down my throat. 

Matt started to get close, his hips becoming restless under me and his hands that were in my hair started to guide me down his cock faster. He moaned and whimpered as he grew closer and closer to the edge. 

“Oh fuck-,” He whimpered, “God, so good, baby. So close.”

His stutters and whimpers encouraged me to work with him faster, yet take my time on all of his sensitive bits. I relied on the relief that accompanied the weight of his cock on my tongue. I worked him until hips stuttered and bucked off the couch and he moaned my name and praises into the air.  

“Gonna cum, gonna cum, gonna cum.” He whispered, bucking his hips into my throat making me choke slightly but I didn’t care, “M Sorry. Fuck,” He whispered and then e shot his load down my throat. I felt the warm liquid hit the back of my throat and I swallowed it down. “Show me,” He demanded, once he caught his breath and he pulled me off him all the way. I stuck my tongue out to show him that I swallowed it and he smiled at me in response, lightly tapping my cheek with the hand that held my jaw. 

“Thank you,” I sighed, my throat somewhat sore. 

“No, thank you, my beautiful girl.” He leaned down and kissed me gently, rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs. When I pulled away, I bit the inside of my lip and looked into his eyes, silently yearning for more. His brows pinched together and his mouth opened slightly, “What, baby? Not enough?” I looked at him with a guilty smile and shook my head. 

“I just want more,” I said quietly. He opened his mouth to respond but as soon as he did, his laptop and phone dinged several times, he looked at his phone and saw what it was. 

“Look, sweetheart, I’ve got more work shit to do,” I groaned and sat back on my heels below him but he pressed a finger to my lips, “But, if you’d let me finish you impatient little baby,” he teased, “if you’re good and hold me without moving your tongue at all, you can stay where you are.” 

“Yes please. I promise I’ll be good,” I nodded my head and sat back up right. He nodded at me and grabbed everything he needed to continue working and I took him back into my mouth. I zoned out with him in my mouth but it was still exciting to be getting what I’d been craving all day and my tongue jerked against a few times. 

“Ah, ah,” He asked, “Settle, sweetheart. You promised me.” He directed and when I calmed down around his cock, his hand patted my head softly and he went back to typing away. 

//

a/n: i'd been working on this for about a week or so. hope you guys liked it!!

#Spotify #chris sturniolo #christopher sturniolo #matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #nick sturniolo #fluff #nicolas sturniolo #fanfic #matt sturniolo x fem!oc #matthew sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo fanfic #matthew sturniolo imagine #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo smut #smut #light smut #light angst #masterlist #the sturniolo triplets #sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #sturniolo smut #sturniolo x oc #sturniolo x reader

[ashipiko]

DANCE WITH ME YOU LI-IA-IAR ♡

OVERBLOT ASHI??? ANYBODY??? the ANGST that this baby can store!!! SHEESH!!!!!!! <3 I only have one post dedicated to her and liar dance lyric analysis (the post is kinda outdated in gen) BUT…… I also have an overblot monologue as a treat 🫶 I wanted to better explain her angst and so!!! BABAM!!! enjoy

ASHI’S MONOLOGUE:

Sometimes I wonder why I ended up here.

A place named “Twisted Wonderland”, and at a school named “Night Raven College”.

At first, I figured that I was the odd one out— Y’know, the Ramshackle prefect and everything. The magicless girl at the magical all boys school? Nuts, ain’t it?

I’m known for a lot of things. Things that are different from the others. The fact that I stand out is part of the Ashi charm, something I’m known for.

But… Over time I found myself sorta feeling in place here.

Because as much as I try to believe it, I can’t safely say that I’m better than anyone else here.

I’m a fake. I make conversation and lots of friends, but for what? A backup in case something goes wrong? A sense of protection for my reputation? In what case are any of those friendships something I truly want? In what case are any of these strings more than just a tool instead of a thread made of my real feelings?

Behind this, I’m no different from any other student here. Even through my individuality, my cheerfulness, my endearing oddness… I’m still a horrible person. Using people to get what I want, toying with people and their feelings in order to gain power and gain a spot the top. All to become untouchable. It’s screwed. It’s not right.

My insides are ugly. The truth of me is something I want to keep tucked away deeply, because I don’t want people to see this part of me. A brash, annoying, selfish version of me, everything people hate to see. I don’t want this side of me to be seen because people will run away— people I don’t care much about, sures, but people I love, too. I don’t want to drive them away. So I keep quiet and give them a shallow show.

I give them a source of entertainment that’s controlled by the real me, every calculated movement translating into a marionette-like response. The only show I allow you to see is one that’s so carefully crafted by the chaotic clown backstage. The one that is shunned away from the light, the strings being the only hint of the puppet’s phony existence to the foolish audience.

But suddenly, I feel as if being here has started to let this side of me come crawling back into the spotlight.

It scares me.

It scares me to be vulnerable, let all of my faults lay out on the table like playing cards. To take the risk without the protection, to gamble everything I’ve built up away just like that. But you…

You.

You make me feel safe. You make me feel as if I don’t need to hide anything. I can give you the key to my heart and you would have no malicious intent. You wouldn’t cut out the parts people don’t like. You would enjoy the performance in full, every bit of it.

You make me believe that I’m nothing special, and yet something so valuable at the same time.

It’s silly. You’re silly. And yet that’s something that’s helped me.

It’s helped me realize that that truly is just how people are.

We aren’t villains. We aren’t antagonists. We aren’t monsters.

We are nothing but people, with faults and feelings that should be valued.

I am more than just a jester, a sake of entertainment.

I’m a person who is entirely worthy of love. All of me.

It reminds me that I must’ve came here for a reason.

Because this is where I belong.

#they drive me nuts. tbh #PLEASE LISTEN TO LIAR DANCE ITS SOOOOOOOOOO #!!! envy baby is also a big Ashi OB song #it’s so fun. she’s so fun #if you can’t tell her overblot works in like….. she IS the blot monster. or the (real) Ashi AKA the jester is #if she represents the true Ashi then the marionette Ashi represents what she pretends to be/puts out into the world #so even if you’re attacking the jestershi and the more antagonistic seeming of the two…… all you’re doing is feeding into the blot itself #as you’re doing what ashi’s afraid of— berating the real her #the solution is to kill the marionette!!! btw!!!!! and that’s what ace does #DW THEY ARE SO FINE AND OK. NO ISSUES HERE #ashace my beloved #ace trappola #ace trappola x oc #twst ace #twst yume #twst #twisted wonderland #twst oc #twst wonderland #disney twst #twst yuu #twst oc x canon #ashipiko draws ♪ #twstshi #I DONT THINK I REALLY POST ABOUT ASHACE LORE A LOT #APRY FROM LIKE? THE FIC ITS IUST SILLIES #so I hope you guys enjoy!!!!!!

[starrynights-sunnyskies]

as the flowers bloom, my heart does too ⋆*·ﾟmisa rodriguez x putellas!reader, social media au, (5/6)

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when your relationship ends and all you want to do is hide and cry, flowers suddenly start to appear on your doorstep.

or; misa hating to see a pretty girl cry and suffer and going out of her way to cheer her up while staying anonymous

fic: coming

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yourusername: feliz día de san valentín 💌 Liked by alexiaputellas, albaps9, bff3 and 3,927 others

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janafernandez3 I knew you were smiling more than usual lately!!!!

ingridengen Congrats, sweet girl! 😘

ona.battle Yaayy!

marialeonn16 Bambiiii, yes! 😭

salmaparalluelo Have the sweetest day!

bff3 At last 😉❤️

mikkykiemeney cuteee 🎀

marisabel_rguez Lucky girl! ↳ yourusername me or her? ↳ marisabel_rguez Uhh, trick question? liked by yourusername and 15 others

bff1 about timeeeee. i'm so happy for you 💃🤗

username1 the bracelet???? ↳ username2 THE M!! ↳ username3 the m! 😱 ↳ username1 who else do we know she hangs out with that starts with M that doesn't rhyme with visa? ↳ username4 mapi 🤣 ↳ username2 let's not pretend we don't know who it is lol

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Direct Messages marisabel_rguez Happy valentine's, mi querida. I've got a surprise for you. ↳ yourusername another one?? you spoil me too much 😠 ↳ marisabel_rguez As I should, please let me!! ↳ marisabel_rguez So, are you coming? ↳ marisabel_rguez Don't keep me waiting, guapa. ↳ yourusername fuck, okay Seen

alexiaputellas Hey hermanita, I know you were hesitant to tell us about your love life a little while ago, not wanting to jinx things and taking that time together to explore things in private before making things official.... but we will always love you no matter what and we want to love who's made you this happy too. So whenever you're ready, okay? Follow your gut and heart. I'd love to meet your special someone and learn everything about how she makes you happy, how you met, what she's like. I promise to be nice! 😉 Te quiero mucho, ardilla. Delivered

albaps9 yn i'm not going to lie, i'm hurt you've kept me out of the loop after i helped you get through it all. especially when i had to find out myself through instagram posts?? i always like to believe that you know you can come to me for your lows and your highs, so it hurts when you don't. i know you deal with these kind of things differently, especially after all that's happened, so i'll get over it and push my pride aside. but we'll still talk about this, kay? i just hope that you can let us in on your happiness once you're ready. and please don't forget that you deserve this and everything else you haven't even thought of. albaps9 btw, i'll keep my mouth shut for now like you asked, but i don't like keeping things from alexia and mama so it's best they hear it from you instead of connecting the dots as well. i won't lie to them if they ask me directly. i know you're hesitant to start anything new or to tell us so that we won't worry again. i get that you want to keep it private until you're sure it's serious, but we're here for you either way. no judgements, no standards. we just want to see you at your happiest and be there to see you like that. okay? vale. also, i love you, you fucking turd. Delivered

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↳ 21h ago: yourusername added to their story

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↳ 56min ago: yourusername added to their story

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Direct Messages

leilaouahabi Boooo, wrong equipo! ↳ yourusername you don't even play for barça anymore 🤣 ↳ leilaouahabi Once a culer, always a culer!!! Which you SHOULD KNOW! ↳ yourusername 😛 Seen

albaps9 lol alexia is sooo gonna interrogate you over this. good luck. i've kept my mouth so far but you're making it veeeery hard on yourself, little one. Seen

claudiaapina Just... why?! 😱 Seen

janafernandez3 Not cool 😣 ↳ yourusername sorry, lovely ): Delivered

alexiaputellas Que pasa??????? Yn...? 😟 alexiaputellas Oi, don't leave me on seen on this one!! Seen

marisabel_rguez You liked the match? ↳ yourusername sorry, what? was too busy ogling the goalie the entire match. still thinking about her, frankly. ↳ marisabel_rguez That's all I needed to hear. ↳ marisabel_rguez What about her are you thinking of exactly? ↳ yourusername well, what time she'll come back to the hotel, for example? ↳ marisabel_rguez Few hours or so, she just told me. Don't miss her too much in the meantime. ↳ yourusername welp... that's going to be hard! i need her here ): ↳ marisabel_rguez Keep the bed warm for her then. Think you can do that? ↳ yourusername on it. but tell her to not make me wait too long. ↳ marisabel_rguez Or? ↳ yourusername the door will be locked and i'll have a mighty entertaining evening all by myself... ↳ marisabel_rguez Y/n... 😫 ↳ yourusername 😊 Seen

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yourusername: found her. my missing piece 🧩 Liked by marisabel_rguez, marialeonn16, leahwilliamsonn and 4,287 others

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bff1 but you fucking hate puzzles. lockdown proved that. ↳ bff3 Because we couldn't find the missing piece for weeks, then found it in the couch!!!!!!! ↳ yourusername if i had known that’s where she’d be hidden away all this time, i would’ve deep cleaned the apartment waaaay sooner liked by 13 others ↳ bff3 🥹 ↳ yourusername that unfinished puzzle still haunts my dreams btw ↳ bff1 i too have nightmares of jigsaws, but i think that's a different sorta jigsaw entirely 👹🔪 ↳ bff2 who are you and what you have done with our friend for you to ignore that last slide @/bff1 ↳ bff1 the one time i behave and it's not appreciated? ffs ↳ bff3 I hadn't even noticed that one holy heckkk, yn!! so cute!! 🤩

albaps9 okay i see you, that’s why your door was locked from the inside ↳ bff1 be happy that it was 😬😂 ↳ yourusername um hello? can't a couple take a sweet bath together? ↳ bff1 um hi? sweet bath... my ass! ↳ albaps9 um HELLO? i'm still here?! 🤮

bff1 cheeseball ↳ yourusername only saying it how it is 🤷‍♀️

username1 still no tag?? 😫 ↳ username2 omfg leave them be ↳ username3 No need when the answers pretty clear ↳ username4 brb zooming in on that tatted hand 🕵️‍♀️

alexiaputellas Yn, everyone can see this ↳ jennihermoso You're just pressed that YOU saw it. And this was so tame. ↳ alexiaputellas Still my little sister. ↳ jennihermoso Part two: you're just pressed you don't know who she's snogging. ↳ alexiaputellas Can I dislike a comment on here, too?

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↳ 45min ago: yourusername added to their story This story is no longer available

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Direct Messages

albaps9 did you forget mama follows you too? she did NOT get the goalie joke and took it very literal albaps9 apparently this one landed so wrong for ale too, she immediately called mami to call you 🤣 albaps9 ynn mami’s just asked me about it again. told her to text you, have fun with that. i love you but i'm not fixing your mess 🙃👋😘  Seen

alexiaputellas Y/n disculpe, but you posted it on your public story. And even if you'd posted it to your closed friends... I'm on there as well. Can I at least meet who you're seeing before I know, well... you know. Delivered

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Text Messages

○○○○○○○ mama 🌷(ICE) Why don't you pick up, laelia? mama 🌷(ICE) Mi hija... let me tell you something. mama 🌷(ICE) In relationships, some things are meant to be kept between the couple. To keep it special and protected. mama 🌷(ICE) If your story talks about what I think it does, you omg no mami, let's not, por FAVOR. i deleted it already!! mama 🌷(ICE) Vale, but seems I needed to say it to you, didn't I? You put yourself in this predicament. I see what you post too, linda. mama 🌷(ICE) Now, don't be embarrassed. When two people really love each other, that's just how things go. I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to show that side to one another. you please don't, i will ignore you. mama 🌷(ICE) Y/n, there's no need to feel weird. You can talk to me about everything. About sex too. I'm your mother, I'm supposed to help you navigate these things in life. It's important to feel comfortable during intercourse with yourself and your partner and to both enjoy it. It's not good to learn everything from the internet nowadays and I would never want you feeling insecure or worried about something when you can just talk to me about it. Nothing is too crazy, vale? you ○○○ mama 🌷(ICE) But it so happens that your sister is well-known and that means that some of her audience finds your internet pages too. I'm sure you didn't mean it in a bad way, but think of it next time, okay, querida? mama 🌷(ICE) And I just want to add, a healthy sex life is important, so it's good that you have that and can talk about what you like or don't like with each other. But I'd prefer not finding out you do from the internet. Or before having met your girlfriend. This goes for Alexia, too. She didn't like it. I want my first impression of your girlfriend to be a little different than knowing what she's good at, so to say. I know, no judgements from me, but you're still our niña pequiña, laelia. you ○○○ you ○○○ Read

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you you free right now? albaquerque 🌼 nope. still at work. why? you ack, you butt, you're texting me rn aren't you? albaquerque 🌼 bc when my tiny munchkin of a sis needs me, i'm here. it wounds me that you still don't know that </3 albaquerque 🌼 no seriously why? you buy a shovel after work and please, PUH-lease, help and bury me alive. albaquerque 🌼 jajajajaja mami?? you si, i want the ground to swallow me whole albaquerque 🌼 well i don't have time to come and help you, but maybe your gf will help you dig it with her bare, good-working, skilled and strong hands? or are you going to say she's even better with her tongue now? 😂😂😂😂 you vete a la mierda albaquerque 🌼 now for the love of god, go and tell ale before it's too late. she knows it's a goalie now, it's only a matter of time, yn. after that i'll help you shovel both your graves. seeing as misa will likely need one too. it'll be sooo romantic being next to each other even in death 😍 Seen

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username1: Well, the match just ended and... that was intense? Wanna guess what they were talking about before the ref sent them apart? I also want to know what Alexia quickly yapped to Misa after the goal because whatever it was, it wrecked her up for the rest of the match 😬 1...2...3.. go! Liked by 120 people

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username1 rip misa ouch, she looked so hurt ):

username2 ✨welcome to the family✨

username3 Yeah that didn't look too friendly but still personal 😬

username4 i just knew alexia was waiting all evening to wipe the smug smile off misa’s face the second they all shook hands before the kickoff lol

username5 First run-in with the in-laws already 😆😆

username6 misa’s strong for still staying with yn after this, i would’ve ran and cried, tail between my legs if alexia had done this like yes ma'am, okay ma'am, sorry ma'am.

username7 this was prob just the initiation to the putellas fam 🤝

username8 “Yn babe? Do you think your sister likes me?” :

username9 Awwwkwarddd...

username10 not yn making it worse by going to misa first after the match 🤣🤣🤣

username11 alexia the entire time: 🤨😐 ↳ username5 fr if looks could kill 🥴 ↳ username10 yn would be girlfriend-less

username12 yn come get your woman 

username13 Bark bark.

username14 MISA! BAD! ↳ username10 exactly, misa’s down bad 🤪

username15 Would've killed to be a fly on the wall in that locker room and hear the goss

username16 well, looks like they were having a great time 😳

username17 not the camera panning to yn momentarily ↳ username18 the camera operator is one of us 😭👏

username19 knowing misa, no appropriate words came out of that mouth tho 🤣🥵

username20 claws out 🥊 

username21 "You fuck my little sister? I'll fuck up your saving ratio! ☺️"

username20 okay no, if my gf fought in my honour and looked this good while doing it, i’d swoon ↳ username18 she didn’t save it tho 🫠 ↳ username20 it is the thought that counts!!!

username22 Wait, what happened between them? I thought they were such good friends? They used to have all these sweet moments together. That entire pk situation seemed so hostile... ↳ username15 Misa's allegedly dating Alexia's youngest sister. But no idea why they seemed so sour.

username23 everyone always talks about enemies to friends, but what about friends to enemies🤣

username24 Who cares?? Forca Barcaaaa!

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Text Messages

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you proud of you 🖤

m 💌 Shit game, but I could hear you cheer me on multiple times. Gracias, querida.

you yeah? you did?

m 💌 Yes 😘 It probably wasn't easy for you to cheer on both teams, but thank you for having my back.

you ofc, my love. always. 

you i'll always be your favourite cheerleading wag 🤩

m 💌 My only one! And you look really good doing it.

you too bad you didn’t save that pk tho, bc i would’ve screamed your name

m 💌 ○○○ m 💌 ○○○ m 💌 We still have tonight, no?

you ○○○ you ○○○ you ○○○ you ○○○ you no. you not before you apologise to alexia. you i know you said some things to get her that irked

m 💌 I’m just mad she’s mad. You're finally happy and now she's not. We told her and the first thing she did was walk away and ignore us for two weeks. That hurt. I tried to mend things during camp, but she was cold the entire time. She's making me feel like I'm not good enough for you. I know I shouldn't let my insecurities talk, but I also didn't like how her reaction to us made you go back to your ways of internalising and such. I don't like seeing you like that. And maybe she wouldn't have reacted this way if you were dating someone she didn't know, and then she wouldn't have had this reaction towards you either.

m 💌 And I've been feeling this mad since that very first moment, so I guess it just came out. I feel even worse now, because I never wanted to put you in this situation or make things with her even worse.

m 💌 Dios mio, and your mother was there too. I'm so sorry, Y/n.

you it's okay misa, you're a passionate person and are loud and fierce when you love. never apologise for it, because it's the very thing i love about you. i would never expect you to change your ways for anyone. i know you've been upset, and i'm sorry that it's not something i could control. but alexia has every right to feel that way, we should’ve handled it differently... told her sooner. i could see it hurt her when she realised mama and alba already knew. we've owned up to our mistake, but she needs some time to come around and forgive us, accept this is happening. she will, in time. that's just her. she's known you for a while and now i'm with you... she needs time to adjust not only seeing you as her friend, but as my girlfriend too. she feels a little awkward. i don't know what you said, but that probably didn't help her feel comfortable about the entire thing. no matter how much it worked me up seeing you that way.

m 💌 I'm not that kind of person to talk that way about women. Or about you.

you i know, amor. you but what did you say to her?

m 💌 I asked her if she was ready to take it, if she was sure, just normal talk to get her off focus, you know? It wasn't meant as anything personal, but then she returned the question, but about you. Asked me if I was sure about taking it while you were watching. I said that it would only help me do better. Then she asked me if I was sure I was good for you. 

you you are, please don't ever doubt yourself. you so so so so are.

m 💌 I tried to, but it just hit me the wrong way. So then the whole tone changed but everyone was watching so we tried to keep it lowkey, but it was so hard. I asked what kind of sister would say such a thing when you're clearly happy with me. Probably got a little cocky and said you'd come to me when I saved it, not to her, especially after her recent behaviour with you. I might have implied something would happen tonight between us if I saved it, though. That you were mine now. And I hate myself because I keep hearing the way I sounded while saying it and it disgusts me and I made it worse and I would never talk or think about you like property but the way she looked at me and said those things I just really wanted to hurt her back and I knew that would do it. I fucking hate and regret it. 

you easy, misa, i know, love. it's okay. i know you don't see me that way, you've never treated me as such. but it's happened, don't dwell on that. we can think of how to fix things now, okay? you but what did she whisper in your ear when she collected the ball from the goal?

m 💌 It's fine, don't you worry about it, querida.

you you don't have to protect me from it, you know? it's okay if you don't want to talk about it, but i'll ask ale about it either way. i want to know what hurt you so badly, and don't even deny it. i know you. whatever she said, don't take it to heart. not going to lie, you probably hit some vulnerable spots. i'll explain later why alexia's extra aggy about it all. but we need to talk about this, the three of us. and you two need to make up too. i'll coax up to her first or things might get even worse. going to her and olga's place rn.

you listen to me, everything will be okay, babe. vale? i love you.

m 💌 Yo tambien ❤️ you you can make yourself welcome at my place. dinner's in the fridge. you oh WAIT m 💌 Patiently 😇 you DON'T eat my cannoli!!!!!!!!!!!!!! m 💌 I was kind of planning on doing exactly that tonight... with your permission, of course 😉 you fuck you i love you 😩 m 💌 I love you more.

you and about that me being yours thing, if you ever say that again, i will jump your bones.

m 💌 You better hurry up then. 

m 💌 But be safe.

m 💌 You're my everything. And I really love you. Can you please never forget that?

Delivered

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↳ 49min ago: alexiaputellas added to their story 

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Text Messages

○○○○○○○ ale🐻 Home? you home! ale🐻 Safe? you and sound ❤️ ale🐻 Wish you could have stayed a little longer but today was... overwhelming and I'm spent. you it's okay, ale, everything's good again, yea? ale🐻 With you, always. Just give me a little more time. It still hurts a little, I wish I had known sooner. For what it's worth, I think you've found yourself both a best friend and a lover in her. I'm happy for you. you really? ale🐻 Yes, of course. I'm sorry my behaviour lately has made you question that. ale🐻 I realise it wasn't fair of me to not give you the freedom to decide your own life. You're your own person, no longer the little pigtailed pipsqueak hanging onto my neck with all your million questions all the damn time jaja. you don't think the pigtails will make a comeback, but i'll happily tackle your back for piggyback rides again? ale🐻 Please ❤️ ale🐻 But when you got so hurt last time around, we lost you. Lost the smiley you. The giddy you. The hermanita we knew. We couldn't reach you and that was really scary. I didn't know how to help and was not always around because of football. It's still one of my biggest regrets. I guess I'm just scared of you ever losing yourself like that again because someone broke your heart, so anyone who gets close to you like that... well, I don't like them or want them around you. But that was never fair of me. Because that was also going against what I want, which is you at your happiest. ale🐻 But when Misa made that comment before the penalty, she just sounded a lot like... you my ex. ale🐻 Si. I hate how I accidentally heard your ex talk about you like that, but then I hate it even more that that was normal for you... day in, day out. And then I hate myself again for not realising sooner and having pulled you out of that environment the second you started dating. If only I'd been around, I would've seen through her the second we met. I'm so sorry. you Don't be. She played it well. But I don't want to talk about that. What's done is done. I'm sorry you felt like that. ale🐻 Don't apologise for someone else's behaviour. ale🐻 Anyway, it was stupid for me to take out my frustration on Misa. If I hadn't, she wouldn't have caught my bait. I know Misa's not like that. It was just a little bad-mouthing to get the nerves up. But she hit me exactly where it hurt. Don't think she realised. you she does realise. she doesn't know why it hurt exactly, but she feels bad and wants to apologise. face to face. can she? not tonight of course. go get your sleep now. you just, one of these days? please. you i want you two to get along again. i don't want our relationship to ruin your friendship just as much as i don't want you to hate my girlfriend. ale🐻 Vale. ale🐻 You love her, and I've loved her as a friend before she meant something to you. I'll try, okay? you you sound a lot like mama you did she give you a lecture after the game? ale🐻 😣 you how are your ears? still hurting from the pinching? 🤣 ale🐻 I'm too tall for that now , she can't reach me😁 ale🐻 But it's okay. Go to sleep, laelia 😛 ale🐻 I love you. you i love you too you and i'll never not look up to you ale🐻 And I promise that from now on, I'll never not be here for you 😘

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enjoy your week lovelies 🌻

#misa rodriguez x reader #woso social media au #woso x reader

[elsa-fogen]

what do you think about the fact that al likes doodling?

i have a head canon that he has some sort of scrapbook or sketchbook full of little doodles of things going on at the hotel and just in his life, I feel like he would draw really stick-figureish (is that a word?) but I read a fic that depicted it as the same art style as an Invader-Zim obsessed scene girl and I could not stop cackling.

I also feel like he would either guard it with his life from everyone (exception to Rosie, of course) or just not bother to tell anyone and one day they just find him doodling schoolgirl style, kicking his legs in the air, LMAO NEW THOUGHT WHAT IF CHARLIE OR LUCIFER FOUND IT

OH! OH! Now that you mentioned it - i LOVE that about him! I just absolutely ADORE little thing he made for the add in the first episode. And i love this fact because 1) he's the first character i like that likes to draw canonically (okay maybe also toothless from httyd?) 2) Me and Alastor share so many similarities, and even drawing???? This just makes me love him even more (i'm sure we would hate each other irl tho AHAHHAHAHA or maybe not, idk)

SO, SINCE ME AND AL ARE SO SIMILAR, I'M GONNA PROJECT ON HIM MY DRAWING HABITS >:3c Forgive me this one, i usualy don't do that, i usualy project characters on myself haha

He DOES have sketchbooks just to draw, and they are ORGANISED. He's numbers every sketchbook and counts every drawing in them since the first one. He also has two numbers for each page - through one sketchbook and through them all. He has over 300 of sketchbooks by now (I have less, only 56). They are stashed somewhere in a very safe place.

Every sketchbook has a date of first and last drawing. Also amount of drawings. It looks like: NOTEBOOK 253 (number of sketchbook, also he doesn't call them sketchbooks) 03.06.1978-05.07.1978 (dates while it was active) 119 (amount of drawings) 29961-30080 (which numbers of drawings are in this sketchbook) He would cound something else, but he's just too busy to spend time on it. He can remember something thinking about what he was drawing in that period and vice versa

He used to draw at overlords meetings, pissing off Carmila and everyone else, because it looked like he hadn't listened to them, so Carmila banned drawing at overlords meetings (Alastor is still angry about it)

But he doesn't progress too much - most of his progress was made through first 10-20 sketchbooks, now he only has slight style changes sometimes when he feels like it

Tho he's really proud of his current skill and used to think that he's literally the best (used to get angry when reminded that it's not true) (now he kinda knows, but still likes his own drawings, doesn't accept criticism and doesn't try to purposely improve)

He likes showing his drawings to people, he knows and if he does, you have to say that it's literally So Cool, show enthusiasm turning pages and say that everything is just amazing. If you don't, he'll be OFFENDED. He also can leave a sketchbook opened on a page with a drawing he likes the most, and it's like a sign "NOTICE THAT I'M DRAWING AND SAY THAT YOU LIKE IT"

If he considers you a friend (well not like Rosie, but at least like Charlie), he'll be showing you his drawings regularly (and you have to be enthusiastic about it!!!!!!) He has showed it to Charlie, but somehow her enthusiasm is... too much. She's too patronising about it. He also shows his things to Husk, he knows that Husk is annoyed and doesn't give a shit, and he just enjoys his annoyance. He also shows his drawings to Niffty and she gives him Just Right amount and vibe of enthusiasm. (He sometimes draws something for her fanfiction if he likes something enough and enjoys Niffty's reaction (she explodes from happiness)). BUT!!!!! He never shows anything to Mimzy. Because she's like, person from the real life, and he feels like she would laugh at it. To Rosie he shows only things he considers his best and her opinion is the most important to him. He can even forgive her criticism (wouldn't take it tho) (she never critisizes him and absolutely ADORES his drawings). Angel kinda likes his drawings, but isn't enthusiastic about them enough

He doesn't take requests (Angel tried "draw me like one of your french girls" shit, Alastor never did (also his ass did not get the reference and he was like "i dont??? have??? any french girls????")) (Vox also tried to make Alastor draw something for him, Alastor was just "that's interesting, i'll think about it" and never thought of it again)

SOME OF HIS DRWINGS TURNED OUT TO BE PROPHECIES but he notices that only when something happens and then he goes back to his old sketchbooks and accidentally finds it. They are just coincidenses tho, but it's fun and Alastor makes a big deal from it and screams to Rosie like "I PREDICTED THAT SHIT 27 YEARS AGO" when finds out. (it's how i predicted many plot points from SU and literally TOH hunter's possession before the show even was a thing JHJDFJHFGJFDHKH i wonder if i predicted something from Hazbin, i need to look through my sketchbooks now)

If you dare to mess with his drawings and vandalise them... oh... you better pray to whatever god you belive in to make your sufferings be enough to redeem your sins and go to heven.

#hazbin #hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #sudden ask lol #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #the radio demon #alastor the radio demon #radio demon #radiorose #platonic radiorose #hazbin headcanons #hazbin hotel text post

[pinkandlilacroses]

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Angel - Paige bueckers

• summary {when an unsuspecting girl falls for the basketball star}

• warnings {angst}

• comment if you would like to be added to the taglist

bellas pov

for everyday this week, azzis been over and i haven’t seen jake in a while. hmmm

avery has taken away my weed, and my valium because she says i need to ‘deal with things naturally’ blah blah blah

this week has sucked. especially because avery keeps dragging me to azzis basketball practice, and every practice, paige ignores me. i really need to stop thinking about her.

“its friday, that means you don’t have to go to a practice until monday” avery says, trying to convince me to show up to yet another practice. i don’t even watch basketball, theres literally no point to me being there

“ok, fine”

azzis pov

i know what avery’s doing is wrong. i mean shes cheating on her high school boyfriend with me, but i think im falling for her.

“paige cmon we have practice” i say, shaking paige, attempting to wake her up

“ok, ok, calm down. im up”

“also, avery and bella are coming to practice again”

“bro why” she says, complaining. she doesn’t like bella for some reason, like every time bellas around, she gets annoyed quicker than usual.

“why do you hate bella so much”

“cause she gets to attached” she says.

what.

“what do you mean paige” i say, somewhat yelling

“i mean, we hooked up and she got all mad when i kicked her out, then she blocked me”

“paige are you fucking kidding me” i say, fuming

i cant believe this, the one girl i actually like, of course paige has hooked up with her best friend

“it was before you guys got close” she says, defending her actions

“it doesn’t matter, avery definitely knows. oh my god” i say, getting more and more stressed

“bro it doesn’t matter” she says, getting ready, clearly unfazed by my anxiety heightening

“of course you would do this. why do you have to get with every girl on campus paige, she clearly isn’t like that” i say, yelling

“she was loving it” she says, smirking. why is she not talking this seriously

“your disgusting” i say, slamming the door and walking to practice on my own

azzi

- hey bella, im so sorry about what paige did

- i just yelled at her for you lol

bella

- did she tell you?

azzi

- yeah

- im so sorry

bella

- its ok

- it doesn’t matter

azzi

- does avery know?

bella

- yeah

- its pretty obvious

azzi

- yeah lol

fuck.

bellas pov

i mean, i appreciate azzi’s texts, but she shouldn’t be apologising for her shitty excuse of a best friend

“hey guys” nika says, as we walk into practice

“bella” kk says, spinning me around. i’ve gotten pretty close with kk over the past week, so this isn’t out of the ordinary

im talking to the team, as avery sticks to conversating with azzi, until

“paige” ice and kk say, somewhat screaming

azzi and avery just look at her, blankly

paige comes and stands with myself and the rest of the team, standing next to me

“can we talk” she whispers

“about what” i say, turning to face her. i obviously want to talk to her, but i dont want her to know how bad i want to

“i just need to talk to you”

“ok, fine”

she drags me to the bathroom and i sit on the bench

“azzi knows” she says, leaning close to me

“yeah, she texted me”

she looks at me, blankly

“is that all you wanted to say

“im sorry”

what.

“wait what” i ask, genuinely confused

“i shouldn’t of kicked you out”

im in shock

she continues “i was just horny and desperate, i genuinely do want to get to know you, im sorry”

she wants to get to know me?

“what do you wanna know” i ask, somewhat seductively

she bites her lip

“no”

huh?

“i want to know you, in a friend way”

“oh” i say, jumping down from the bench and walking out of the bathroom

“no bella, not like that” she says, chasing after me

i walk out of the bathroom and towards avery

“im leaving”

“ok tell me later” obviously referring to paige and i in the bathroom

im getting deja vu, walking through the halls, crying. fuck why do i care so much about her

paiges pov

i fucked up. i didn’t mean it like that, i meant that i want to know everything about her, like a friend. but i want to be more. fuck

why would i say that

“avery, whats your dorm number” i say, running up to avery and azzi

“why” she asks, confused

“what did you do” azzi adds

“i fucked up, i think i like her. and i fucked up” i say, shocking myself

they both look at me in shock

“no fucking way” azzi says, covering her mouth in shock

“its 235, be quick, run!” avery says, and i begin to charge out of practice. fuck that. this means more

after basically running through the dorm halls, i begin to hear soft cries. thats her

“bella?” i say

“leave me alone” she says, i run closer to the voice and i see her. standing outside her door

“bella, please talk to me” i say, standing infront of her, towering

“why paige, you just wanna be friends” she says, looking up at me with teary eyes

“please let me in, i need to explain” i beg, and she complies

“sit” she says, coldly

“ive always had a crush on you, ever since your freshman year, i’ve noticed you, more than any other girl. seeing you in the halls genuinely brightens up my day, at the bar. i had finally mustered up enough courage to talk to you and i just found myself falling more and more for you. i kicked you out because i was scared, ive never liked anyone like i have with you, your different. i tried to distract myself but i just cant. im so sorry”

i cant even look at her right now. fuck

“paige-“ she starts

i interrupt “i shouldn’t of done that” i say, and basically run out of her dorm

fuck

#paige bueckers #paige bueckers x reader #uconn wbb #paige bueckers fic #paige bueckers headcannons #paige bueckers smut #uconn huskies #uconn women’s basketball #uconn

[apieceoftoastedbread]

i just finished working boys. holy shit??/pos

mentions of show spoilers under cut

SO. welcome to my ted talk. i just finished working boys. what. the. FUCK. but like in a good way. i loved it! i watched it with my dad kinda and i was giggling the entire time. i love rob as hidgens but if hidgens was anyone else BESIDES jeff i would have honestly not felt the same about it. jeff did great in the whole thing.

also, RUTHH!!.., MY BABY💔💔 SHE DID NO WRONG. IT WAS HER DEBUT☹️ she did great and i loved the few seconds of screentime she had.

the people in the audience were also making my tism alarm go off. if i can recall it was bill, ted, officer bailey, ms mulberry, richie, grace, gerald, linda, and brenda? those are all the people i can remember. seeing richie and grace go to see ruth actually made me go crazy i love them all SO MUCH. i wanna take richie and shake him. Ted was being a little asshole as always/pos. poor bill was abandoned. AND GERALD AND LINDA? oh my god i love them. i have a love-hate relationship with linda except she doesnt know who i am and would spit on me and i love her but also need her to suffer. I wanted to take the scene where him and linda are cuddling and just stay there forever. officer bailey made me laugh but also how is that man a cop. he just handed grace the gun?? ALSO GRACE IS SO BADASS BUT SHES CRAZY?? SUPPORT WOMENS WRONGS!! she started saying sumthing about the lord and i got chills.

the dead workin boys?? that was so sick what??

LIKE?? JON ILY YOU SCARE ME SO MUCH/pos. THIS WAS A JUMPSCARE BUT A GOOD ONE.

I LOVE THIS TOO? I FOR THE LIFE OF ME CANNOT TELL WHO THIS IS BUT THEY LOOK SO SCARY AND SICK I LOVE IT

RAHH I LOVE THIS LOOK. I LOVE HOW THEY ARE ALL COMING OUT OF THE MOST UNNATURAL PLACES.

OH MARK YOU SCARE ME SO MUCH MY UNSETTLING LITTLE BABY❤️ PLEASE NEVER SHOW UP AGAIN

THIS IS SUCH A BAD ANGLE BUT ITS STILL SO GOOD?? THEY ALL LOOK SO AWESOME

IDK IF ITS ALL MAKEUP OR CGI OR A MIX BUT WHOEVER DID IT DID GREAT.

THE MUSIC WAS AMAZING. LIKE IDK IF THIS IS ON SPOTIFY OR NOT OR IF I GOTTA UPLOAD WHAT I CAN FIND PRIVATELY FOR MYSELF. STARKID I LOVE YOU.

ALSO THE UNCANNYNESS OF PROFESSOR HIDGENS LAST WORDS BEING “i cant wait to get home to my boys..” WHILE BEING SHOT AT BY GRACE. HE JUST WANTED TO IMPRESS HIS BOYFRIENDS ☹️

uhm uhm im gonna shut up now because my brain is being overwhelmed by over analyzing this but please please please talk to me about this

#starkid #workin boys #working boys #grace chasity #professor henry hidgens #professor hidgens #ruth fleming #hatchetfield #gerald monroe #linda monroe #richie lipschitz #ted spankoffski #bill woodward

[lynzishell]

OC Deep Dive Questionnaire 💛Atlas & Asher🩵

✨TYSM for the tag @raiiny-bay, @zosa95, @dandylion240, @sirianasims, and @hannahssimblr 🤗💖

Of course, I went overboard with this, so grab your favorite beverage and let's dive right in, shall we? ☕💕

-what common/uncommon fear do they have?

💛Atlas: [Pointing to Asher] Water. 🩵Asher: You can’t just leave it at that. It’s not like if you set a glass of water on the table, I’ll run screaming. I have a fear of drowning, so I don’t like to be submerged in water. You’re never going to catch me out swimming. Probably not on a boat either, while we’re at it. Not taking any chances. 💛Atlas: Fair enough. But you won’t even put your face under the water in the shower. 🩵Asher: That’s because it reminds me of being submerged in water. Anyway, this conversation is making me sweaty, and there just happens to be water on the other side of this fence, so let's change the subject. Next question.

-do they have any pet peeves?

🩵Asher: Oh, Atlas fuckin’ hates mindless small talk, like the kind you use just to fill the silence, or because you awkwardly feel like you need to talk to the person next to you. Seriously, he’ll like you a lot more if you just sit next to him in silence for an hour. 💛Atlas:  Very true. And yet, your record for silence is, what, twenty minutes?  🩵Asher: Maybe. But I don’t make mindless small talk. 💛Atlas: Yeah, I do like listening to you ramble on about your latest obsessions. You get all animated and excited, it’s really cute. 🩵Asher: You’re really cute.

-what are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

💛Atlas: Uh, I don’t know, what’s in our room besides the obvious? Probably too many electronics. 🩵Asher: Right, between the computer and the switch and my drawing tablet and our phones... 💛Atlas: And your sketchbooks and pencils. How many pencils does someone need? 🩵Asher: I don’t have enough; I’ll tell you that much. Count yourself lucky that most of my art supplies are scattered between Lex’s place and my parents’ house. One day I’ll get it all organized in one place, but that day is not today.

-what do they notice first in a person?

🩵Asher: Hm. That's a good question. What did you notice about me first? 💛Atlas: Your hair, obviously. 🩵Asher: [laughs] 💛Atlas: But no, I would say your eyes. I’d never met anyone with such pure gray eyes before, they’re striking. Your eyes are very expressive too. And you make eye contact with people more than anyone else I know. Like, whenever I talk to you, I always feel like you’re really listening. 🩵Asher: [smiles] I am.

-on a scale of 1-10, how high is their pain tolerance?

🩵Asher: Oh god, mine is probably like a 5, and Atlas’s is probably a fuckin’ 8 or 9. 💛Atlas: I would’ve said 7, but we can go with 8.

-do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

💛Atlas: I think my first instinct is freeze, but then probably flight. Depending on the situation, I’ll walk away or hide away. 🩵Asher: Mostly. But with James, you definitely went to fight. 💛Atlas: That was different. I don’t care if people hurt me, but I’m not going to let them hurt the people I love. Ash is definitely more of a fighter than I am.  

-do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

🩵Asher: I don’t come from a big family, it’s just my parents, me, my sister, and my niece, but we are very close. But honestly, family isn’t just about relatives. Chosen family is just as important. When I say my family is the most important thing to me, I don’t just mean them, I also mean Atlas and Lex and Dawn and Phoenix and Aspen too. And Jasper, obviously. 💛Atlas: Exactly. If we’re talking about relatives, I come from a very large family, but I will never see or speak to any of them again, except for Dawn, of course. A few years ago, I never would’ve considered myself a family person, but Ash’s family taking me in changed all that. I’d definitely say I am now. 🩵Asher: I love that.

-what animal represents them best?

💛Atlas: Oh, that’s easy. Ash is just like Jasper, his border collie. Playful and energetic, friendly, intelligent, hardworking, and he loves to snuggle. 🩵Asher: Hm. I think for Atlas, I’d say a deer. 💛Atlas: A deer? 🩵Asher: Yeah, like, you’re quiet and cautious, a bit anxious with a tendency to hide, but you’re also beautiful and sweet. 💛Atlas: You make me sound more like a bunny. 🩵Asher: No, definitely not a bunny. Have you ever come upon a big buck deer? They’re majestic and intimidating, and they’ll kick your ass if they have to. They’re… survivors.

-what is a smell that they dislike?

💛Atlas: Ammonia. 🩵Asher: No one likes the smell of ammonia. 💛Atlas: I know, but when I was a kid, at the end of every school year, we’d have to clean our desks with this ammonia spray. Twenty kids spraying ammonia in an enclosed room. It was awful. I’m sure they had the windows open, but even still, that smell is seared into my brain, makes me want to gag just thinking of it.

-have they broken any bones? if so, how?

🩵Asher: Okay, story time! So, when I was ten? Eleven? Something like that. Anyway, I was dancing around in my room, as one does, and I tripped on a book, one of many scattered around my disaster of a room, and tried to catch myself as I went down. Bad decision. I’ll spare you the details, but the pain I felt in my wrist was horrible. I literally saw stars. And then I almost puked when I looked at it. So, of course, I started screaming for my mom. She came running in, and I told her that I’d broken my wrist. And what did she do? She yanked on it and snapped it back into place! Because apparently, I’d just dislocated it. But, fuck, it hurt. If a broken bone is worse than that, then I hope I never break one. 💛Atlas: I broke a toe once. Stubbed it on the corner of my bed when I was in college. I wasn’t good about taping it up or anything either, so it healed a little crooked.

-how would a stranger likely describe them?

🩵Asher: For Atlas? One word: quiet. How they interpret that quietness varies though. Some people think he’s really shy, others think he’s just aloof. But he’s actually neither. He’s introverted and pensive, sure, but he’s also very warm and enjoys chatting with people if it’s a more meaningful conversation, y’know. Like, when we first met, we would talk for hours and hours. 💛Atlas: That’s true, but you’re such an easy person to talk to. I think that’s what people would say about Ash. He’s just very relaxed and friendly and has a way of putting people at ease. He’s good at connecting with people and getting them talking and making them laugh.  

-are they a night owl or a morning bird?

🩵Asher: Probably night owls, I’d say. Atlas prefers starting his day later and working late, if he has the option. 💛Atlas: Yeah, but these days, it feels like I’m working all the time. But even still, Ash starts his day earlier. I don’t know. I think he’s somehow both. He has no issues with mornings, but he also gets a burst of energy in the evening and sometimes it’s hard to get him to come to bed. 🩵Asher: To sleep, anyway. 💛Atlas: [laughs] Right.

-what is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love?

💛Atlas: Ah, Ash hates vinegar and anything pickled. And he loves warm spices like cinnamon and cardamom. 🩵Asher: Oh my god, and Atlas is fuckin’ backwards when it comes to this. He likes bitter flavors to a strange degree, like super bitter beer and strong coffee and he’ll only eat chocolate if it’s the super dark stuff, otherwise he hates it. He doesn’t like sweets. No sugary drinks or candy or even pastries.

-do they have any hobbies?

🩵Asher: We both love gaming and dancing. Otherwise, I like to draw and spend time with my dog. My favorite is taking him down to the beach to play fetch, he loves it there. 💛Atlas: Yeah, and I don’t know, I like to stay active because I feel like I’m constantly at a desk otherwise. I used to rock climb a lot, but since we climbed Mt. Komorebi, we took a break and never really got back to it, so I pretty much just run and work out at the gym occasionally. And I like to sing. 🩵Asher: Seriously, I wish you could hear him. He has the most incredible voice. 💛Atlas: Aw, thank you.

-boom, surprise birthday party! how do they react to surprises?

💛Atlas: Ash would love it! He’d be so stoked that everyone showed up for him like that. 🩵Asher: And Atlas would probably dump me on the spot if I ever did that to him. 💛Atlas: I don’t know if I’d dump you, but… okay, yeah, I probably would.

-do they like to wear jewelry? if so, what is their favorite piece?

🩵Asher: I don’t think I’ve ever seen Atlas wear any jewelry. 💛Atlas: No, I’ve tried, but I could never get used to it. I’d always end up taking it off by midday. 🩵Asher: I can see that. I wear earrings, but that’s it. I used to wear a necklace that an ex gave me, but I threw it out when we broke up. I wanted to throw it into the ocean, but I didn’t dare to walk out on the dock [laughs] so I tossed it in a dumpster instead. 💛Atlas: I didn’t know that. Which ex? 🩵Asher: Elias. 💛Atlas: Ahh. Yikes. 🩵Asher: Yeah. Anyway. Next question.

-do they have neat or messy handwriting?

💛Atlas: I think we both write fairly neat. 🩵Asher: I think so too. Yours is all sharp angles, but it’s not sloppy. 💛Atlas: Yeah, and you have a strong preference for uppercase letters. Sometimes it’s rushed, but it’s never messy. Actually, I’ve never thought about it before, but I really like your handwriting. 🩵Asher: I like yours too.

-what are two emotions they feel the most?

🩵Asher: [points to Atlas] Anxious. 💛Atlas: All of the time. 🩵Asher: And, hm, we can only pick two? I’d probably go with either introspective or focused. 💛Atlas: That’s probably right. For you, I’d say, passionate or inspired and then maybe playful or energetic or something like that. Okay yeah, passionate and playful.

-do they have a favorite fabric?

💛Atlas: Probably cotton, I guess. 🩵Asher: Yeah, same. I don't know. Never really thought about it, to be honest.

-what kind of accent do they have?

🩵Asher: I don’t know. Do we have accents? I mean, I guess Atlas gets a hint of a drawl when he drinks, it’s pretty cute. 💛Atlas: I do not. 🩵Asher: You do! I never told you because I didn’t want you to get self-conscious and try to stop. 💛Atlas: It’s a good thing I don’t drink often, I guess. 🩵Asher: Whatever. I love it. 💛Atlas: And I love you. 🩵Asher: I love you too.

And I love them too!! 🥹

Okay, whew! What are the chances anyone actually read all that? I really can't just be normal about these things, can I? Oh well... Now it's your turn!! I'm gonna tag @madebysimblr, @crownsofesha, @xldkx, @honeyjars-sims, aaaaaaaaaaand @igotsnothing 🤸🏻‍♀️💖 Answer them normally, or have a little fun with it, or ignore me completely, that's fine too (no it's not) 🫶🏻

#seriously tho #if you read all that i love you forever #and i offer you cookies 🍪🍪🍪 and hugs 🤗🤗🤗 #tag game #oc tag game #atlas stephens #asher goode #aries outtakes

[meichenxi]

languages, travel, identity, grief

Maybe some of you have heard of Xu Zhimo's Second Farewell to Cambridge (徐志摩 再別康橋 Translation: Saying Goodbye to Cambridge Again, by Xu Zhimo | East Asia Student). It's an achingly lovely poem about a Chinese scholar who studied in the UK, and how he left so gently, taking nothing with him as he went. It brought me solace over the last year.

I thought for a very long time about how I felt about having to leave China, and what it felt like to mourn for a future that was never going to mine. I cried. How am I supposed to explain why? I'm not Chinese. I've got no family there, or a childhood to look back on. I couldn't explain it even to myself.

That pain was coupled with a type of uncertainty, a discomfort at myself for feeling so strongly. This feeling was not allowed. It meant - what? Something awful, probably. I was a racist, probably. I should hate myself, probably. Fetishization is the word that gets thrown around for white people and their time spent in East Asia at one end of the spectrum - at the other end it's just seen as embarrassing and deeply, you know, cringe. It's a self-interrogation - why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel this pull so strongly anyway, to a country that's not even mine? Why should it matter so much when I leave? I didn't feel like this grief has any sort of legitimacy. But it has taken from September - eight months after leaving - for me to pick up Chinese again.

I felt, for months, hollow and unsettled and drifting from place to place. I opened my textbook, and closed it again. The memories there were too painful. I'm not going to write about why I had to leave, but it wasn't by choice. I had loved the people in the school, even if it was for a short time. When you have no internet and are training eight hours a day, the days are coloured more sharply: bright and hurtful and wonderful all at once. We had no running water. It was in an abandoned hotel. I miss the monk at the temple door opposite the school, always on time at 6am to open it for our classes. I miss the folk at the local shop who invited me to watch films on their projector; once they killed a chicken for us. I miss the woman in the woods who gave me the chestnuts she had picked. I gave the chestnuts to the cook, and we steamed them and ate them by the lake. He wanted me to marry his son; he wanted it so strongly that he brought me pork, and desserts, and gave me paper, and promised me I could have a jade bracelet, that he would buy me a house. I miss the oldest martial arts teacher, who spoke in such strong dialect I could barely understand him. When I was sad and missing home one night, he told me that I should stay after dinner. In the silence and against the cicadas, he started to play the erhu for me. Later, my friend told me that he hadn't know what to say, how to comfort me; I was a foreigner and a young woman, after all. We had very little in common. But nobody has ever played a piece of music for me like that before.

And I miss X, my best friend there and partner in snack-smuggling crime. She is 19 years old, and a janitor's daughter, and one of the wisest people I have ever met. (She also rides an excellent motorbike, and lent me her hanfu, and we sped through the city giddy with our own daring and trying not to be caught.) We got matching haircuts; she had always wanted to cut her hair like a boy, and was too scared to do it alone. When I left, I told her to stay in touch: she shook her head. She said that some people were meant to know each other for some time, and no more. I think the death of friendship by attrition, by - as Elrond said! - the slow decay of time, is one of the saddest things of all. I deleted Wechat. I don't want to read over the old messages. By having this place - her, and the chestnuts, and the cicadas - as a memory, I can tuck it away it. I can keep it close.

I wrote a poem myself on the plane. That was the last I thought about China, the last thought I let myself have, in eight months. I kept myself away from it. It felt like a wound. And against that hollowness, there was constantly the question: Why should I have any right to miss this place? Who I am there? Why does it matter? We are all different people, wherever we go, and whoever we are with; we wear different skins, large or small. In China I was [...]. She was who I was. That name, that I introduced myself to people with - she was bright and friendly and tried to translate things just so. Everybody who goes as the only foreigner to a place - or the only foreigner that speaks the language - is a little bit self-obsessed. It happens. It's unfortunate, and something to guard against. But it also gives you its own kind of identity in a way: your identity is Foreigner. Your identity is a cultural bridge. Everyone you meet, in a country as friendly and curious as China, has questions about you. You stand with your feet in both worlds, and are not really part of either of them. That identity is easy to slip into, like cool water, like trying on new clothes. It's easier that thinking: who am I outside of that? Where am I going? I don't really know. I don't think anyone really does.

And then the second thing happens. I speak Chinese well, by this point. My accent is there, but it's slight. I am short, and have dark hair, and a generally similar build to many East Asians - so the questions I have got in the last few years have changed. Sometimes people think I have been raised here. Sometimes they think I am ethnically Russian, and nationally Chinese. Sometimes I get asked if I am half Chinese. Usually they know I am a Foreigner, 100% white - but not always. There is a peculiar rush that comes from that acceptance; from feeling the relief, just for fifteen minutes, that you belong. It's not about 'passing', or race-bending, or anything twisted - it's nothing so unnerving as that. It's just the human need to belong. Everyone gets tired of being stared at, after a while. And after a while, you start to think - I wish I understood. I wish they understood. I wish this were easy.

But then the conversation keeps going. You don't know a local word, or you misunderstand. You say something in a strange way, or you make a strange gesture, and the glass shatters, and - there you are again, naked again, exhausted again, explaining yourself again. That's the other half of it. There's solace in the Foreigner identity, because that means that's all you are. You don't have to think about your parents, or whether they worry about you so far from home; of course they do. The Foreigner is good and filial and a wonderful daughter. You can craft her into any shape you like. But it also marks you out again and again, endlessly and again, as Other.

There was a paper published a while ago that showed measures of acceptance of non-natives in native-speaking communities. It highlights a strange, but familiar experience to those who have lived abroad - the people who spoke the language to a medium level felt more accepted and less lonely than those that spoke the language to a high degree. It makes sense, and mirrors what I have found with both Chinese and German. When you speak a little Chinese, you are a wonder - a curiousity! Look at the Western girl go! People are kind, and curious, and will slow down to include you in conversations. You are thrilled with what you can access - all this knowledge, that other people don't have! Look how special you are!

And then you get better. And then you realise, cut by cut, that you will never be one of them. You don't want to be Chinese, per se; but you do want to be accepted. You are happy to be British; but you miss China like a wound, an old one, festering, even when it was never yours. How do you tell your family that you are not grieving a lost romance, a beautiful girl, but a language and a life? That there are words of majesty, of playfulness, that will never be yours? You speak well enough that people no longer bother to dumb things down, or explain them; you sit with your discomfort, smile painted on, because - you know. It's not bad. You understand most of it. And on the edge of that circle, smiling uncertainly, following the vast majority of what is being said, you are not clever enough and not witty enough to keep up with the chengyu, the cultural references, the slang, and the raucous laughter around you erupts, and you don't know what you've missed, and everybody says - she's quiet, that one. Maybe all the foreigners are? And all you are doing is sitting and feeling the distance between You and Them as heavy and as stifled in your chest as an ocean of dark.

So you go back. Back to your people. But when you sit with the other foreigners, you are apart. They laugh; what are these nutters doing? The Chinese don't make any sense. The Chinese do this - they do that. You sit there, and then there is a pressure building in your chest too, a discomfort, the desire to stand up and say - well, actually.

You are responsible for everything the Chinese teachers do, and have to explain things in a way that the students understand - Confucian thought, and Buddhist philosophy, translated in pithy bite-size adages for the West. You have no qualifications for this; everything you assert, you feel unsure. Uncertain. Someone else could explain it better, more nuanced, and you need to do more reading anyway - but here you are, and here they are, and you're the only one. And you do know. Not enough, but enough that their jokes, their pains, make you uncomfortable. You feel the need to defend both parties; to be a diplomat, every second of every day. In turn, when the students come to the teachers with problems, you have to translate their grievances in a way that the Chinese teachers will be sympathetic towards. Once I got asked: why do you never join us after class? Why are you always so quiet when you're not working? As a translator, you are always working. Every time you speak, you are working; what you choose to say, and what you choose to not say, and where you choose to intervene. You are building relationships, and disappearing, and you are becoming invisible, and you're a nothing, and you're everyone and you're nobody and nobody realises you are doing anything more than translating at all.

I wanted to stay. I couldn't have stayed. I wanted to be accepted as one of them. I wanted to be accepted for who I was. That means a foreigner. I wanted to be true to myself, which means that I would always be the Foreigner, which means I would always be apart from them. It is that contrast and juxtaposition which causes the grief. And there was never an ending to it, a resolution, a chance to reconcile myself (in China) with myself (in the UK), because all at once I had to leave. The grief comes most from the second arrow - not the pain of leaving, but the bewilderment of not knowing why I was in pain at all.

It's been eight months. Slowly, as spring comes, I feel like I am on surer ground. I can look at my old books, those painstaking notes, and I could look at new ones too and I'm starting to think, because this is what I tell my students, and maybe there's some truth in it - it's okay if you're not perfect. It's okay if you didn't achieve what you wanted to, and that the language - in its wholeness, and who can ever know that? - will never, not quite, be yours. It's the struggle and the process that means that I will know and understand Chinese in a different way, in my own way, in a slanted-to-reality sort of way, that is a treasure in and of itself. There is beauty in its brokenness too.

And there is sorrow, too. The sorrow that comes with easing yourself into a different life, and it holding you gently for a while. I sat there - I spoke to them. It's not only missing a place; it's missing a person you were, a stage of your life, for a time. It's knowing that a place has reached inside your ribs and taken root there - even if you don't return, you can never fully get rid of that again. You are two people now, with feet straddling two oceans. There are parts of you that loved and suffered and hated and grew in Chinese, not English. You can't explain that. You can't even begin. Sometimes - not often - you are a stranger in your own land. The poets spoke of that. In the age of fast travel, of the weekend break, we have forgotten the ways a place can burrow itself inside you, and find its own home.

It's not the same as the grief that someone Chinese will face. But it's still grief. I have put my life into Chinese. Maybe that is all it takes to grow love.

Now, I turn back to Chinese - as a foreigner, as Melissa, as myself. It's a bittersweet thing. I know that I cannot hold all of it. It will spill out, like the sun, and there is no way I can be that without losing myself and my history and my own green woods. But I think I am ready now. I am surer, and a little steadier on my feet.

#langblr #chinese #languages #culture #china #:(((((((((((

[are-you-still-writing-that]

Yandere Alphabet: Tobias "Ticci Toby" Rogers

It was genuinely so much fun to figure him out. (If I would care, it would almost be scary how many of my own habits I projected onto him, but o well...) I hope you will enjoy this little thing!

Toby Rogers

One word: Unstable. That is all you need to know about him. His movements, his moods, his sanity. All of it is unstable. Wishing you good luck would feel condescending at this point. So I´m just gonna laugh quietly to myself as I leave the scene of the crime. You are aware that this man is a disaster waiting to happen, right? Oh well, you are done for anyway. Byebye~!

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

He comes closer to you, leaning down to get on eye level with you, as you struggle to stand up again. Faster than you react, he already grabbed you by the collar of your shirt. Beneath his googles you know he is staring at your face, and even though you can´t see his eyes, it gets uncomfortable quickly. He leans further into your space, leaning to your neck. His fingers, jerking slightly, brush aside your shirt, as he pulls down his mask. Then nothing but pain, as he buries his teeth in your shoulder. Licking the blood away, he bites down again. Carefully circling the indents of his teeth, he whispers something about scars. Later he clings to you, demanding head pats and cuddles, and every once in a while, he will scar you again with his teeth.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

The scream ends in a gurgle, as he slams down his hatchet again, and again. And again. Again. He won´t stop. Blood is splattered all over the floor. It´s dripping from his hair and face. When his movements stop, he turns to grin at you widely. The wound on his cheek distorts his face even further. Hatchet still in hand, he grabs for the corpse with the other hand, and drags it over to you. You´re shaking as he simply drops it down in front of you. Rolling on the balls of his feet, he almost looks like a child. Nothing left of the rage, he had relished in only moments before. He looks like a cat who is proudly showing off his prey. You notice how his face suddenly seems to shift at your lack of an reaction, and you quickly lean over to inspect his kill. Thank you, you mumble out as you look over the wound, slightly poking them to get your hands bloody, because you know it will make him happy. No problem, that´s what a good boyfriend should do, no? Watch out for his partner? And you are mine after all! His sentence ends with a little laugh, as he crouches down next to you, to explain to you in detail how he slaughtered the other.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He flips faster than you can predict. Sometimes, he seems amused by the way you flinch away from him, whenever he moves to fast. Mocking your reactions to him, and setting you off on purpose. His laughter, a rasp that must hurt, echoing through the little cabin. There is no escape from him. Other times, he looks at you with worry. His eyebrow furrowed, as he slows down on purpose. You can see how he clenches his teeth, trying to suppress the jerks of his body. Something, that is not only not really possible, but also puts him in a terrible mood. You don´t mind the laughter or the worry. Because what you really hate, is the anger. Because sometimes he rages, when he sees you flinch away from him. He is up to your face, screaming, spit flying into your face. His grip becomes so tight, you swear, that you feel your bones creak. In those moments, you always fear, that he will always grab his hatchet next to put an end to it all. You hate it.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

You were shaking again, standing in the middle of the cabin, when you felt how his arm snaked around your waist, only to pull you flush against him. He was breathing against the back of your neck, as he seemed to relax. After a moment he also wrapped his other arm around you, only to rest his entire weight on you. With a satisfied sigh, he pulled away from you after a few minutes. You blanched, when he pulled you towards his bed. A happy smile on his face, as he pushed you down, climbing to lay on top of you, as close as possible. Obviously in the mood to cuddle, no matter what you would say.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Whenever he had a nightmare, you would be awake long before him. His sudden jerking of limbs right next to you, pulling you from sleep. Every time you would slowly sit up, not touching him, and instead wait for him to wake up by himself. Shuffling back to lean against the wall, you wait. When he would finally come to with a big gasp, he would look around panicked. It would only take a moment, before he grabs you, and burrows his face in your lap. Big sobs shaking his body. He would talk, but stutter heavely, thrills and whistles would make it hard to understand him. Never mind, that he was still slurring his words from sleep. This would be the only time, he would be vulnerable in front of you. Straight from a nightmare, he would use you for his own comfort. Talk to you, till he felt better, about whatever his brain had cooked up that night. It was easier to placate and comfort him on those nights. You had learned that the hard way.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

He doesn´t seem to register the punches, the kicking. Ignores the screaming. He laughs when you bite him. Cooing at you, proud for you to marking – maybe even scarring – him like that. He bites back as well. Drunk on joy of how you seem to reciprocate his feeling for you. This is not a game, that you can win. The look in his eyes tells you, to appreciate that he sees your fighting as a game, that he enjoys scuffling with you. Because if you already can´t win the game, you would certainly loose the fight. And the consequences would be gruesome.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

He loves the hunt. You can see it in his eyes, how much he enjoys it, whenever you try to turn away from him. To run. To escape from him. He adores the chase. His eyes glinting in delight, when he jumps up to chase after you. His feet carrying him securely across the uneven forest ground, while you stumble. He knows, that you won´t escape him, and deep down you know the same thing. His confidence let´s him be calm, while your panic clouds every thought. The woods around the cabin are familiar to him, while you struggle not to fall. No matter where you turn, you know he will still be on your trail. You can hear him whistling behind you. And when his weight suddenly slams into your back, his knees pressing into your back, as you hit the ground. He lets out a delighted hoot. It´s only slowly, that he will get off from you. Pulling you from the forest floor, absent-mindedly patting dirt from your clothes, as he pulls you back to the cabin.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

He leans over you. At the moment you are still sleeping. Completely unaware of the intruder in your home. He can´t help himself, but to reach out, and softly caress your face. You won´t wake up. Not yet. You are a surprisingly heavy sleeper, as he just finds out, and it suits him just fine. He looks around your room for a moment, shuffling through your papers, rummaging through your pictures. There is a smile on his face, but soon enough, he looses interest in that. The source of it all, after all still sleeps right there. You scream, when you wake up. His face is covered, as you kick and scream, desperately trying to get him off of you. He doesn´t budge. He easily pulls you from your bed, and before you know it, slams your head against the edge of it. Your screaming stops as you dazedly look around. Everything seems to swim and dance. You mumble out something like that and he just laughs quietly, as he lifts you from the ground, half-dragging you from your room, out of your home. You don´t know it yet, but it is the last time you´ll ever see it.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He looks at you laying on his bed. Still unconscious. You´re breathing peacefully, blood dripples down your face. Not that you notice it. With a quiet sigh, he stands up to get a wet cloth. Carefully dabbing at your wound, he wonders why he even took you in the first place. His tongue clicks, more annoyance than tick, as his head rolls to the side. Settling back down into the chair to watch you, he drums his fingers anxiously on the armrest. He already knows how this will end. No matter, what he will try or attempt, how much he wants to trust in you. There is only one possible ending left for you and him. You will leave him. You will betray him. And he, in a fit of rage will kill you. It´s almost sobering, and he chuckles slightly. He always set himself up for disappointment, but he doesn´t mind. It´s always nice, while it lasts. You twitch, seems like this story is about to start. He doesn´t know the middle, but it comforts him, that he already knows its end.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

You had noticed, before he came for you, that the people you would get closer to, would vanish. They would become the victims of gruesome murders. His murders, as you had to realize later. The rage he felt, upon seeing you with someone else, drove him, to murder them in a gruesome fashion. It calmed him down tremendously. Toby would later talk to you, about his murders. Seeming almost proud, as he looked at you. Either not caring, or not recognizing the horror you would mirror back at him. Wide eyes, short breath. For him, you looked excited. And so he kept talking. Happy to share his stories with you. While you slowly realize, that you won´t get away from him alive. Not with how easy killing seems to be for him.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

You watch his every step. But that isn´t surprising. You just woke up in this place one day. Him chattering endlessly into your ear. If the situation was any different, it would be easier for you to admit. Toby is actually quite sweet, when it comes to you. He has his mood swings were he is annoyed and in general aggravated by everything, but you also noticed, that he distances himself from you before that. You see, that he quiet literally bites his tongue, and just waves you away instead. His entire behaviour just tells you how much he adores you. He tends to sticks close to you. He listens attentively, when you say something. You´re always touching somehow, with how he tries to cuddle up to you.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

He was picking at his cheek again. Pulling at the edges of the wound with his fingers, when he clasped his hand in his lap to stop himself from ripping it open even further, he unconsciously started to prod it with his tongue. Toby was nervous. Terribly so. His eyes track your movements almost lazily. He perks up when he notices, who you are talking to and his teeth grit. When blood suddenly pools into his mouth, he opens it again, and carefully feels out, how much of his tongue he accidentally bit off now again. Not much. Lucky. It would be a lot easier if he could approach you. Felt confident enough in himself, to simply go up to you and introduce himself. He ticks. His head rolling to the side, as he clicks his tongue. It repeats several times, before it finally stops again. The stress is slowly getting to him, which only makes everything worse. After all, he is very aware of how he looks – his hair is disheveled, his clothes always dirty, there is a giant hole in his cheek and he looks like he hasn´t slept in days – and the habits he has – the ticks, so many of them, the stutter, and quite frankly the social ineptitude – that approaching you can only become a disaster. So he thinks of something else, as he watches you disappear behind your door, checking the lock quickly, as he leaves. It´s not a very good one. It would be easy for him. And well, once you´re with him, it can´t be that bad, right? With a grin, he hounds down your newest suitor, happily whistling, as he already plans to come back tonight.

Mask: Are their true colours drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

It´s hard for him to control his emotions in any manner. He tries sometimes. Leaves, when he feels, how his emotions nearly overrun him. But it never works. His mouth is often so much faster, than his mind can keep up with. He talks about blood and guts, and how fun killing those guys were. How much fun it was. All the while not even realizing, that you aren´t enjoying what he talks about. Sometimes he simply sits down next to you, refusing to say anything, as he simply watches how you move. He knows, that he will say the wrong thing again, when he opens his mouth. It´s inevitable for him. He can feel the tension building up in his body, and the sudden way, that it releases again. Sometimes it´s just a click of the tongue, a slight twitch, and other times a full body shiver. He never could hide, mask like other people did. With his body, his emotions. And over time, he stopped trying. He grew more careful, sure, but he was always true to himself.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

You look at him. He is shaking, as he tries to take deep breaths. You can see, that he is trying to say something, but it seems like he has problems forming the words. His brows furrow, almost like he is in pain, and then he violently twitches. His head drops down to his shoulder, there is a loud crack, and you flinch away. You can see, that he suddenly looses his balance, and drops to the floor. His attempts at speaking stop, as he simply rides out the ticks. For a moment you wait, breath held, to see what he will do next. He is slow, when he pushes himself back to his feet. You can tell, that he is still angry, and his stutter is worse. „Go away!“ He points to the room, he shares with you, and you don´t try to fight him on it. You leave. Slide down the door. Only moments later, you can hear things breaking, screaming. It doesn´t stop. His crying gets louder, as he lets out his frustrations on the furniture. Nothing will be left standing in his path. You are safe in the room. Still scared.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

You try to run, when he leaves the hut for the first time. You can��t believe, that this is supposed to be your new home or whatever he calls it. It makes you sound like some sort of stray animal, that he picked up on the way. It aggravates you. When you finally get the damn lock on the door open, you don´t wait for another moment. You´re out of the door and running. The forest is not familiar to you, you don´t even know, if you´re close to your actual home. A giddy laugh almost escapes you, that is tragically cut short, when the handle of a hatchet just barely misses you head. Ducking, you stumble forward. Turning to the side, you can see the man – What was his name again? Toby? – watching you. Though, you can´t see his eyes through his googles. He stands still for one moment. In the next, he is already upon you. Throwing you down to the floor, his weight enough to immobilize you. „Not now. Let´s play later, kay?“, with that he simply starts to drag you back. The hand around your ankle like a vice, as he slowly, but clearly not bothered by you, makes his way back to the hut.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

You swallow. Completely unnerved by the way, he is looking at you. Wide eyes staring at you. Almost lazily, he makes clicking sound with his tongue. It´s strange to someone act like this. You carefully try to move further away from him, hoping that a greater distance will lessen the absolute terror you are feeling at the moment. It doesn´t work. Instead a smile slowly grows on his face. His eyes bright. The gaping wound on his cheek wrapping to accommodate the change. You shudder. He lowly starts to talk. His voice nothing but a whisper. He stutter, you notice, and if you would actually listen to what he says, you would notice, that sometime he interrupts himself with a strange term or phrase. But you don´t, so you only notice his stutter. Not that you are focusing on that either, as he slowly crawls over to you. Closer and closer, till he can reach you again. His fingers twist themselves into the hem of your clothing, as he keeps talking to you. His eyes unwavering. Looking at you. Maybe even through you. You don´t know. All you can focus on is the way he holds on to you. Careful. Afraid. Not willing to let go. Never letting you leave.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

You have stopped to answer him for quite some time now. No matter what he says, you seem to ignore him. At this point, he is sure, that he said something to upset you, but he doesn´t know what it was. And he can´t ask you either, because you are giving him the silent treatment. Well, he talks enough to fill the silence between the two of you by himself. And you always had been a good listener. Though recently he started to notice a saccharine smell clinging to everything, like rot or mould, in the hut. He shrugs it off, and helps you to the living room. Unmoving. So still, but he hefts you up anyway to carry you over. He absent-mindedly wonders, if you would at least eat something today. He talks to fill the silence. The smell of decay his most loyal friend. And you. Or whatever is left of you.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Sometimes he does wonders. He looks at you, and imagines a world where the two of you could have met differently. Before long though, he will shake his head again, forgetting this flight of fancy, as he focuses on what he has. There is no use for him to cry over lost opportunities. There are already so many things, that he doesn´t know. So many things, that he had forgot. He will watch you, stay close to you, in this little hut, that he calls his home. Sometimes, he will wonder again, when you cry yourself to sleep. But instead of wondering for long, he simply takes you in his arms to shush you back to sleep. There is nothing he can do about it now. He doesn´t regret taking you. Because he knows, he would have regretted it more to let you go.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Some days, Toby will flinch away from loud men screaming with rage, without knowing why. He will look at some girls, and wonder why they seem familiar to him, as if they remind of someone he once knew. When he works, he sometimes hums something under his breath, without knowing the words to the melody. Even then, he is sure, that when he tries to sing you to sleep, that the words would be in a language he had forgotten a long time ago. He is reminded of a past, that doesn´t exist any more for him. Toby has lost many pieces of himself. Too many. He can´t give anything of himself away any more, without becoming hollow. So, when he gave you his heart without knowing, he had to keep it close. No matter what.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

There is a heavy clump in his chest, pressing down on his lungs, as you let out another anguished wail. He was fighting against his won tears, as he tried to calm you down, but nothing was working. He couldn´t even remember what had upset you so suddenly, or when you had started to cry like this. He coos at you, pulling you into his arms with a hug. Peppering kisses across your face – over the bridge of your nose, your eyes, before pressing one deeply to your forehead – while he carded through your hair. Even if he didn´t understand why you so sad, he knew that the two of you would get through this. Together.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

Before long, you notice, that his mood tends to be... unstable. It´s not something, that is very surprising at first – the whole man seems to be the definition of unstable – and yet it is still something, that you notice quite often. Because no matter what you do, he will still lash out without rhyme or reason. Sometimes at you, sometimes when he quite literally recoils from you to leave the room. It´s quite – at least that´s one word for it – strange. Another thing, that tends to draw your attention is how he clings to you. No matter where you go or what you try to do – When he is there, he will hold onto you. Most days he will try to fill the silence with his talking, still always keeping an eye on you as if waiting for your approval. On other days, he will be quiet, but his hand will be fisted into your sleeves, as he simply holds on. The strangest thing, though, is how used you get to him.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

He was gone again. You didn´t know if it would only be hours, days or maybe even weeks. You look over the little hut, he called home and you called far less favourable things. You think about it for a moment longer. Then decide „Fuck it!“ and bolt. You don´t if you will run directly into his arms or if you will actually get away. But event then, he could still catch up to you. Doubt floods your mind, but for the moment you are free. You would laugh, if he didn´t remind you so much of yourself at the moment. Because no matter how much you wanted forget, you could never quite do it. Leave behind the days on which you would basically barricade yourself into your room to avoid all possible contact with other people, and instead of doing something – anything – productive, stare at your wall for several hours. You understood him in that moment, and quite frankly hated yourself quite a bit for it as well. You sat down next to him, and wondered if he would even care in this state, if you simply walked out of the door.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

It happens quickly. Like everything with him does. Without warning or any prompting. No sign for you. Nothing. One moment, he is still cuddling up to you. And while you are uncomfortable with it, you still let him do what he wants. He is talking about something or the other – you aren´t really listening to him – while you pet his hair slowly. Tousling it one way and then another, as you hum every once in a while. You could almost call it peaceful. And in the next moment, he is screaming. Cursing loudly, he lashes out. You shriek in fright, when he goes for your face. The pain is sharp, when his fingernails cut your cheek open. He is nearly spitting, as he yowls in anger. He throws himself away from you, as you start to sob quietly. Tearing at his hair, he flees from the room. Later, he will apologize. All soft again. „Sorry, sorry“, he wont´t stop repeating, as he wipes the dried blood away, and presses a soft kiss to your face, which he cradles between his palms. „Love you“. Still you can´t help but to notice the slight tremor running through his limps from now on.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

Toby likes to bring you gifts. Sometimes, at least. It´s never something grand. Little things, that reminded him of you, that he presents to you with a smile. It´s almost cute. Though sometimes, when he thinks you aren´t looking, you see the mask fall. How his eyes take in your reaction. He is manipulating you. You know that. Doesn´t mean, you know how to stop it. He likes to think, that he is a good boyfriend. He adores you. But worship? Revering you? No, thank you. He likes to be close to you. Likes to hold you. Likes to play fight with you. He likes the quiet moments, and the screams. But some days, he hates you as well. He knows that. It´s nothing, that he can change. He could never worship you. You and him are too human for that. Just mortals. Just people. But that is what he loves most about you. Being human.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

He had forgotten, when he had started to follow you around. Has it been a week, a month? Maybe it had been summer back then, he muses, as snow melts on his gloves. He doesn´t remember the first moment, he saw you. But he does remember, that he always recognized you. No matter how much time had passed. He always felt like he knew you. Maybe he did. He wouldn´t know. He has forgotten so many things, that were supposed to be important. A low growl escapes him, as you entertain another idiot. No matter how often he cleans up, there always more of them vying for your attention. Seems like tonight will be busy for him again. He wonders if you would like to hear all the stories, he collected while watching over you. Though, they might be a bit bloody for your taste. He clicks his tongue, a low whistle following, as his eyes follow you again. Maybe one day, he will make sure, that no one else can get your attention except him.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

He watches your every move carefully. Afraid, that he accidentally hurt you again. He knows, that he feels pain different than you do. He knows, that you deal with some things differently than he does. He knows all of that. So, he watches you. He sees it, when your eyes go glassy. When your facial expressions start to dull. He sees it. He knows something is wrong, when you lean in close to him. Sighing almost wistfully, as you intertwine your hands. You never done that before. He tries to break you out of this mood. Maybe you need something new to entertain you? Maybe some fresh air? It´s not like he adores you like this too, but he worries over you. When your spark does not return to you, he gives up. Instead, he simply leans closer to you, holds your hand like he always wanted to, and tells you of his day. You don´t flinch, and he doesn´t mind.

#yandere #yandere ticci toby #yandere alphabet #xreader #creepypasta #ticci toby #yandere headcanon #ticci toby creepypasta #ticci toby headcanons #ticci toby x reader #yandere creepypasta

[deoidesign]

I hate posting on social media.

But I do it anyways.

Every time I post something, it risks people getting mad at me. Of getting big, too big, and coming back around to hurt me. It's happened before. It'll happen again.

And yet I post anyways.

Because I think a lot of people feel very much alone. And I think that the power of art is that it can, for a moment, make someone feel less alone.

When I look at art I can feel the artist behind it, saying "I made this, and I wanted you to see it. And I want you to see yourself in it too. And I want you to know I love you." And I feel a connection in the humanity of every stroke they made. Through millennia and cultures and lifestyles, no matter what, there is always the artist behind the work, and I know I'm not alone.

Every time I share something my art transforms, entirely against my will. While I'm working it's reflective, relaxing, explorative. I'm learning while I draw, about myself and the things around me and how I see things.

And then I post.

And now it's in someone else's hands. They see it, and everything I tried to put into it is irrelevant. It only matters what someone gets out of it.

This transformation is magical, but it is also extremely vulnerable.

And it's scary!

But I share anyways.

Because I made this. And I wanted you to see it. And I want you to see yourself in it too.

And I want you to know I love you.

#i know this is kinda funny when you look at my art and it's the vampire yaoi #but im actually so serious about this!!! #everything is meant for connection #even if it's a silly meme that took 5 minutes #it made me laugh while i was making it #and i wanted to make you laugh too #because i love you #i want you to enjoy my silly story #i want you to be maybe a little confused #maybe a little reflected #maybe a little inspired #because i love you! #and i want you to feel seen #to feel heard #to FEEL!!! #my god i want you to feel something #and so i create! #and i put all of me into it as much as i can #all my little weird bits and undesireable parts as well despite my wishes #and i hope that maybe by making myself vulnerable #you can see all my pieces and perhaps youll recognize that we're made of the same stuff #and maybe youll know its okay to be yourself #with all your bits and pieces #that you struggle to love. #well i love them. #i love you. #and i want you to love you too #anyways #I'm just thinking. #i'll probably delete this later

[starcanwrecked-confessions]

ok this has been coming for a while.

i really just. dont understand at all why people like max jagerman. at all. so many people ive seen try to redeem him and "oh his father is abusive 🥺" which yeah sure, thats Bad, but yknow what else is?? max!!! he has a few offhanded lines and so many people jumped on that and by god i. fandom!max is this oh no im actually a good person guys i want to change and be better oh no (also the whole "hes mean because of internalised homophobia!!!!" thing which. is a whole other can of worms.)

max jagerman, sad alluded backstory, is an awful person. he torments anyone he pleases relentlessly, he has enough power here to dictate who his friends can date, and his whole thing after death of murdering the nerds?? that didnt come from nowhere!!

also a word about michie because i hate it so so so much! im autistic, and i have been and still kinda am bullied for it. i see a lot of myself in richie, and then people take max, who fucking bullied richie for years, and is like yeah this is a great ship!!!! "richie felt the worst at max's death--" HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THATS BECAUSE IT WAS A HORRIFYING SITUATION REGARDLESS OF WHO IT WAS AND NOT BECAUSE HE WAS """SECRETLY IN LOVE WITH HIM"""???? AND WHERE TF ARE YOU GETTING MAX RECIPROCATING FROM?? even in a redemption au (yet another can of worms!!) max has still done awful shit. AND WHEN PEOPLE SHIP THEM IN CANON OH BOY--

this fandom uwu-ifies max so bad and he genuinely disgusts me my god (i can smell the tags/comments on this a mile away but oh well!! i have made my piece!!! im not trying to target anyone here i just. need to vent my frustrations :/)

~~~

#confession #starkid #hatchetfield #Anti Max Jägerman #anti michie

[firstkanaphans]

I rewatched 10 Things I hate about you yesterday (for obvious reason, lol) and I wondered... do you think the karaoke stage means there will be a Can't take my eyes off of your moment?

P'Jojo does seem to love a good karaoke moment and I will forgive the amateur singing as long as we get to see Dunk serenading Joong while being chased around by a security guard.

But I actually just finished re-watching 10 Things myself, so I'm going to use this ask as an excuse to list some other things about the movie that I hope make it into The Heart Killers:

I adore Bianca. She's such a spitfire. She doesn't want to beat you up—she just wants to be adored—but she will if you make her mad. I think this will translate well to Bison. He doesn't want to be an assassin, but he wants his father and brother to love him, so he does the job anyway.

Bianca's also got major bimbo energy and I wouldn't mind seeing Khaotung in his himbo era. A little dumb, a little slutty, a lot beautiful.

As soon as Cameron lays eyes on Bianca, he falls instantly in love and I need to see that look on First's face. I want Kant to be down bad from the beginning and I want Bison to make him work for it. It's interesting because in the movie, Bianca is using Cameron to get with someone more popular instead, which makes me wonder if Bison is using Kant in The Heart Killers as well or if they've cut that part of the plot out entirely.

"Tell me something real. Something true."

Also, I know Bison and Fadel's father is, like, an assassin or whatever, but I really enjoyed him in the original and wouldn't mind seeing more of their father-son relationship on screen.

This is obviously just based off of the movie because I haven't read the play since 8th grade, but I ordered a copy and will adjust my expectations accordingly once I get a chance to re-read.

#asks #the heart killers #if joey donner does exist in this universe i'm torn between wanting it to be pond because of joey's history with kat #and wanting it to be mix #for obvious reasons

[tommykinard6]

I don't mean to pile onto your bad day but I've been seeing a lot of creators on tiktok complain/compare the bucktommy and henren tags/fic count on ao3 because there's almost more bucktommy fics then there are henren fics. The number one claim is always that bucktommy writers are racist because we don't write for henren. But like, that's not correct at all? People can write fanfiction for whatever they want to. If they want to see more henren stuff then they can write it on their own.

We can coexist without fighting each other. I'm just tired of people screaming about how bucktommy is anti this or anti that, when we're just vibing by ourselves and don't want the drama but the drama finds us anyway because Sucky People are loud and get heard the most.

You’re good, anon. It actually gave me something to think about during work.

As a quick disclaimer, before we begin, I’m not a POC. I am not speaking for anyone in the Black community and am not attempting to speak over them. My following thoughts are as a queer woman-ish who is also a writer.

I think it must be noted that Hen and Karen have been overlooked since day one. The fact that Buck coming out made it the “gay firefighter show” when we’ve had a beautiful canonical lesbian couple since the very beginning? Is only proof. Is this proof of racism in the fandom? Maybe. Quite possibly. I would argue that it comes from a misogynistic point as well.

If you look in any fandom, regardless of the color of their skin, any wlw ship is horribly overlooked. I’ve done some tag searching on ao3. Straight and mlm ships battle for dominance while there are canonical and fanonical wlw ships that have a drastic difference in numbers. This isn’t a good thing. But it’s an experience that spans fandoms.

I find it sad that BuckTommy has almost more fics, with only two episodes under their belt, than Henren with 7 seasons. However, this isn’t a reason to hate on BuckTommy. The ship didn’t do anything wrong. Comparison is the thief of joy and it’s also rage bait. I think that some creators simply are using anything they can to hate on BuckTommy. Which that makes it sadder, that they aren’t concerned about Henren other than pushing their own agenda.

This isn’t to say all creators who are speaking about this are doing this, but I guarantee some are.

Now, let me speak as a writer.

As someone with 62 published fics on ao3, I write almost exclusively mlm ships. This isn’t because I hate women. And as a queer woman-ish, don’t even start about homophobia. But for some reason, I find it so much easier to write men than I do to write women. This is true for straight and wlw ships and also just in general. I love Henren, but I don’t have the faintest idea about how to write them.

It’s hard enough to write as it is and I’m already writing on ships that are easy for me. I try to write women and it just hasn’t come out right. I want to challenge myself, branch out, and maybe I’ll write for Henren to do that. But I say all this to point out that for some people like me, writing some ships and demographics of ships are just a little more difficult.

That leads me into something else.

I, as a white person, worry about accidentally writing non-white characters wrong. And this was reinforced not too long ago when we had that whole thing on ao3 with deliberate racism in 9-1-1 fics. If anyone has resources or advice for writing non-white characters, I would love to hear that! The last thing I want to do is cause any harm.

I feel like I’ve spoken a lot about me, but that’s because I can’t really speak for anyone else. I can only speak from my experience.

We already have a ship war between BuckTommy and Buddie. We don’t need to pit more people against each other. I think we can love BuckTommy while agreeing that Henren needs to be seen and appreciated and treated equally.

End note to say: I tried to speak as delicately and as sensitively as I could, but if anything came out wrong, please feel free to point it out (kindly). Again, I speak for no one but my very little section of the world. I’m interested to hear what people of other backgrounds have to add!

#911 abc #911 show #9-1-1 #tommy kinard #bucktommy #evan buckley #lou ferrigno jr #911 season 7 #tk6 answers #oliver stark #henren #henrietta wilson #hen wilson #karen wilson

[leandra-winchester]

So. There's been a lot of speculation, and a lot of hot and lukewarm and some honest and valid takes about the new trailer and the potential of what might go down next ep.

I've been thinking thoughts, and I have my own personal stance on the matter. And no, I will not be 'taking criticism', because this is the way I view things in general, and it won't change. So this isn't me opening up a debate about this, this is just me sharing my personal views, which you absolutely can agree or disagree with. (So if your views on cheating are vastly different from mine, don't come at me telling me how wrong I am, I'm not doing that at you either)

That being said, here are my thoughts and beliefs.

Kissing isn't (automatically) cheating. For me, it highly, highly depends on the accompanying circumstances. There are kisses for shits and giggles that are not cheating. There are kisses happening under heavy influence of whatever substance - something that can render you legally not responsible for a lot of things, so how does it make you responsible for a moment's poor choice? There are kisses that are done deliberately with intention and feelings/high physical attraction involved, and THAT is cheating. When we look at the Buck/Lucy kiss, I didn't see it as huge a deal as many of the fandom did. The kiss itself somewhat fell into the second category. But what made it at the very least borderline cheating was the fact that Buck made a secret of it afterwards. Had he said "Look, something happened last night. I was drunk, then Lucy kissed me, and I didn't instantly pull back, but I didn't want to kiss her again or anything. I have no feelings for her whatsoever and I will watch myself in future a whole lot more to notice any signs of flirting, which, in hindsight, there were. I'm sorry." - then I think that's still grounds for a partner to be mad, sad, disappointed, but it's not really full-on cheating. Not in my book, by my definition.

Emotional cheating is much worse than physical cheating Being in love with someone and knowing it, imagining yourself to be with that other person, THAT is much more cheating by my definition than a fleeting kiss. And sometimes, depending on the circumstances, maybe even more than a drunken fumble or one night stand, but that is a very complex question. However, emotional cheating means you're not really in it with your current partner, pining for someone else but settling for what you can have out of convenience, fear of being left behind or some other highly egoistical motivation. That really sucks. (I've seen that take expressed on my dashboard as well, though with slightly different nuance to what I feel and believe, but pretty close)

So, taking these two of my underlying beliefs as the basis, what can I see happen in the next episode that would leave me feel okay with it, or happy about it, and what would make me feel iffy about it?

Let's start with the iffy.

Buck:

If, at any point in their drunken Hangover-movie escapades Buck and Eddie kiss, full on kiss (with maybe a little bit of tongue), and that kicks something lose in Buck, I would utterly hate that. Not that I wouldn't find it plausible that a kiss like that would trigger him realizing romantic feelings for Eddie, but that it happens now.

Someone else made a long post about negative stereotypes about bisexuals, and I agree. This is the promiscuity/bisexuals can't be trusted to be faithful stereotype, and I don't want Buck to ever be seen in that light.

Also, Buck JUST (and that post mentioned that too) convinced Tommy to come with him to the wedding, that he's ready for something... only to emotionally cheat (because it's that aspect for me rather than the kiss itself) on him the very next opportunity?

"But Tommy and Buck aren't in a relationship yet," I heard someone say, and well, yes. But this isn't REAL LIFE. It's writing. Things are crafted in a certain way to form a story, and stories have a purpose. The narrative gave us an arc where Buck seemingly wasn't ready for a relationship with a man yet, where he fucked up and had to fix that, had to take a leap and take some courage to make it work.

Just purely from a narrative standpoint, it would be so inconsistent to reverse that healthy step forward just one episode later.

From what we know about the episode, it also doesn't look like he's breaking up with Tommy in that episode. A lovely, potentially dramatic moment where Buck kisses Tommy in front of everyone as a means of 'coming out' is highly implied/likely. So that would mean him being aware of some feelings towards Eddie and still going through with that. And yeah. No. I'd really, really fucking hate that.

Eddie:

If they kiss at some point and it kicks something loose in Eddie, and he then goes back to Marisol... I'd have much less of a problem with that because it could still be explained and justified with him just being in utter panic about coming out. It would match the catholic guilt arc, and all his previous attempts at conforming to heteronormativity... BUT, if the relationship just continued as is and he'd actively use her as beard that would be shitty, even for poor confused, repressed, closeted Eddie.

The Not Iffy

On with Eddie:

If that kiss brings something to the surface in Eddie and he then breaks up with Marisol one episode later I would not consider that cheating or poor morals or anything of the sort. He wasn't aware of it until that moment, and as soon as he is aware of it and has had a little bit of time to process it, he draws the right consequences from it and breaks off a relationship he's not fully in.

So this would actually be fine to me. This could be the kick starter for a potentially long and complex arc for Eddie to a) come to terms with his sexuality and b) pine for Buck from a distance, because Buck is with Tommy and c) eventually, when the time is right, for Buddie to go canon.

Buck:

The kiss itself wasn't a serious or real kiss. I'd be okay with it, if it was some silly, exaggerated "MWAH" smack of the lips kiss, prompted by someone or something around them - I dunno, maybe one of the women there saying "Aww you're such a cute couple" and they going in for it just for shits and giggles; or Buck gushing about Tommy and what a great kisser he is and Eddie drunkenly, outwardly jokingly saying "Hey, I'm a great kisser too!" and them jokingly leaning in for a smooch, again, for shits and giggles.

Buck afterwards doesn't even remember it because it meant nothing in that moment, and so he's neither seriously physically nor emotionally cheating on Tommy in the slightest.

"But Buck has deep feelings for Eddie. How can he kiss him and not realize them?"

Well, see, Buck has been around Eddie for almost 6 years now and not realized them. They are so, so far past that getting to know and falling in love phase that it makes it a bazillion times more complicated to distinguish those deep platonic feelings from deep romantic feelings (because, what it comes down to in both instances is a deep bond; the bond of love you feel after years of dating isn't that different from a deep platonic bond. Again, Eros vs. Pragma and all that).

But Buck is *in love* with Tommy, he's just entered that exciting, chemically turbulent process of falling in love with someone which, with all the newly formed neural connections and all those hormones overrides anything else that has long since been present and is only now presented with the opportunity to take on a new nuance. Of course he doesn't get it, and he likely won't get it until much, much later, when he's falling out of love with Tommy again for whatever reason, or they break up amicably for whatever reason.

And THIS again is something that could easily go into the iffy, because I would really fucking HATE the implication that Buck needs to break up with Tommy to be with his One True Love. I don't want this to be a difficult and painful choice.

IF (when) Buddie goes canon, I want them both to be ready and free for it and not accidentally pushed towards it, or struggle with a guilty conscience for it, or hurt someone else about it. (Marisol wouldn't count in that context as Eddie would have broken up with her months ago and gone on his own long self-discovery trip).

So yes, even if for slightly different reasons, and even if my views on what constitutes 'cheating' may differ from a lot of yours, I agree that any actual MUTUAL feelings realization right now, under these external circumstances, would totally tarnish the beginning of the Buddie relationship.

Which also makes me hopeful it won't happen in such a way. Up until now, the writing has been extremely solid, and Buck's coming out arc has been done with so much care. I doubt they'd do something that ruins it. (But I'm not 100% sure of it either).

#buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911 spoilers #this is not an invitation for debate #respectfual nuanced exchange and dialog #yes #but don't lecture me on my morals #I'm very solid and confident in them

[madi-writes-things]

Nobody Pt. 4

(C.Sturniolo X Reader)

Summary:

Chris and Y/N never seemed to get along, but sometimes help comes from the most unexpected places

Word Count: 1,332

TW: Cursing, SH (not in detail, but it is talked about), fluff, PDA, fake dating chaos, mention of cramps and throwing up because of the pain, bad sex joke, use of emojis (I have no clue how else to explain the exact reactions other than the emojis), drinking/being drunk (I’ve never been drunk, so forgive me if my portrayal is off), Not Edited

A/N: I’m so sorry this took so long, I’ve literally been locked in my room for two weeks with no motivation. I really hope that y’all like this chapter. I’m also hoping to work on some other stuff coming up soon. 😁

-Madi <3

“”“”“”“”“”

Y/N’s POV

Nick and Matt stood at the island as me and Chris walked into the kitchen. I caught Nick’s eye as I set down enough food to feed a small militia. He just stares.

Matt hits him in the shoulder, prompting him to give him a dirty look before speaking. “I’m sorry…” He looked like he wasn’t sure what all he needed to apologize for. “I’m sorry that I punched you” he nodded toward Chris. “I’m sorry that I made you cry, I feel really bad about that.” He averts his eyes, and I think I see a small glint of shame.

I physically can’t stay mad at him, and I make it very obvious when I envelop him into a rib crushing hug. He whispers a small thank you in my ear before I walk back to the other side of the island to unpack the food. As I start unpacking breakfast I feel arms wrap around my waist, and a chin resting on my shoulder.

I freeze up, and Chris mumbles a quick “is this okay?” Into my hair. I look around realizing that Matt and Nick don’t even notice, much too invested in their food to care. I nod my head, trying to will the rosy shade to leave my face.

I’m failing miserably.

after breakfast me and Chris went upstairs to watch a movie in his room. Matt was quick to respond in the worst way possible.

“Sock that wang before you bang… and please be quiet, I don’t want to hear my brother doin it”

Y/N: 😨

Chris: 😮

Nick: 😟

Matt: 😁

needless to say, me and Matt practically teleported upstairs and away from that mortifying experience. Me and Chris enter his room in a fit of laughter, practically collapsing onto the bed.

After a second I noticed that Chris had stopped laughing… his laughter is addictive, and I already missed it. I turned to see him staring at me with a look in his blue eyes that I couldn’t quite grasp. He looked happy and sad and something else all at once.

“What?” I giggled as I said it, still thinking about what Matt said only a few minutes earlier.

“are you doing okay?” This question again… I never know what to say when people ask me that. Right now I’m doing great… but in 30 minutes, or a week, or even a month I might break down again.

that’s never the answer that people want. They want something simple, yes or no. He stares at me patiently waiting for my response, it makes me feel bad for not having one.

“I’m okay right now…” he gives me a quick nod before speaking again.

“Okay, will you tell me when you aren’t doing good?” Why is he offering this, he doesn’t want to deal with me. ��You need a safe space, and you clearly aren’t going to tell Nick. Let me be your safe space.”

“okay”

With that we got comfy on his bed and found a movie.

“”“”“”“”“”

things carried on like this for months.

doing good.

going down.

running to Chris.

repeat.

he was always so sweet and caring. He would hold me while I cried Myself to sleep, he would walk me home early from an event if I wanted to leave, he would hold my hair back and get me a heating pad when my cramps got bad… no matter what, he was there. He had also started being more touchy in public, leaning into the fake relationship for those around us. It made me feel things that I tried to avoid for years.

I think I hate him… how DARE he make me fall in love with him, knowing that none of this is real. How dare he kiss me at parties, and hold me during movie nights, and make me feel safe when none of it is real for him.

“you okay baby?” He snaps me out of my thoughts with the use of his new favorite nickname for me. I melt when he calls me his baby, unfortunately a small part of me also dies inside every time I hear it.

“yeah, just a little tired.” We’ve been at this party for like three hours, and I haven’t even touched my drink. When Chris is tipsy he get more brave with his PDA, I don’t want to risk forgetting a single moment where he is touching me.

“do you want to walk home?” He doesn’t want to leave, he shouldn’t have to leave because I’m sad that he doesn’t love me.

“no. we should stay, you’re having fun. I’m actually going to go get a drink, maybe it will make me feel better.” He looks at me for a second before letting go of my hip, allowing me to grab a drink.

“”“”“”“”“”

How did I get here?

It’s like one second I was listening to Chris tell a story, and now I’m dancing to some annoying pop song. I need to find Chris, I definitely had a few too many drinks.

I stumbled around for a minute, everything is spinning and making me want to throw up. I don’t know if I can walk all the way home, but I don’t want to make all of them leave early. I grab my phone in an attempt to call Chris, but by the time he picks up I’ve forgotten what I was doing.

“”“”“”“”“”

Chris’s POV

I look down at my phone to see that Y/N is calling me, and it makes me a little worried. I pick the phone up to my ear, trying to head over the sounds of music and talking. I don’t hear her, only making me more worried.

She almost never drinks, because she has a very low tolerance. Last time I saw her, she was already three drinks in and proclaiming her love for the song that was on.

That was an hour ago.

I quickly scour the crowd in an attempt to find her face. And when I do my heart drops.

There she is in her skin tight jeans and corset top, looking lost with tears in her eyes. I rush to her side, immediately pulling the drink from her hand. She looks like she’s about to start crying.

“hey baby, can you look at me please?” When I say that she starts crying and she doesn’t seem like she’s stopping any time soon. “Hey, it’s okay. Do you want to find somewhere quiet so that you can sit down for a minute?” She nods her head aggressively before stumbling towards the bedroom of whoever is hosting.

The Golden Trio

From: Chris

can y’all meet me in the master bedroom, Y/N is really drunk and needs to go home.

From: Nicky Bo Bicky

for sure, I’ll bring some water for her.

I turned to Y/N, she looked out of it. Then all of a sudden life came back to her eyes in the worst way possible. She almost fell down in her attempt to get to the bathroom.

“it’s okay baby” I whispered sweet nothings to her as I held her hair and rubbed her back. Nick and Matt showed up shortly after she finished dry heaving, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her drink anything as fast as she drank that water.

If I thought it was a hassle trying to get her in the car, I had no clue how hard it would be to get her up a flight of stairs. She giggled as I picked her up bridal style… it made me so happy to hear her laughing.

once she got into more comfortable clothes, she fell asleep in no time.

as she held onto me and nuzzled into my side, my heart shattered. All I want is for her to be happy, but I know that I can’t fix everything. I kiss her on the forehead before rolling over and going to sleep.

“”“”“”“”“”

@unbruisable @bernardsbendystraws @sturniolo-fann

#madi writes things #chris sturniolo #chris sturniolo imagine #chris x reader

[greenerteacups]

Your Hermione (through Draco's loving, rose-tinted glasses) has been one of my favorites to read. He doesn't shy away from her faults but sees her qualities (intelligence! an appreciation for the rules but creativity around them! confidence! a touch - a gallon - of bossiness!) as strengths instead of the annoyances they sometimes appear to be through Harry's eyes in the original books.

You once wrote on your favorite and least favorite tropes for Draco. I'm curious, what are they for Hermione? Was she the character you saw yourself in in the books, or was that someone else?

And a million times over - thanks for creating such a rich, beautiful text. I've been reading fanfiction for 10 years, and this is one of my favorites.

Thank you so much! Hermione was my favorite character, and as a bookish, socially challenged kid, most definitely the one I saw myself in the most. She made it seem cool to work hard and try, which was not the vibe of my school at the time, and she was the character that I imprinted on. Honestly, it's cheesy, but she probably changed my life.

My favorite version of Hermione is probably "loving hierophant." I like her bossy, righteous, imperious, book-smart but stupid about people, and most of all, a wonderful, wonderful hypocrite. Hermione holds everyone to incredibly high standards, including herself. That means she believes in people intensely and gets cross at them easily when they disappoint her. She's sensitive about certain topics, especially the "not having friends" thing, but she hates the vulnerability it brings up, so she responds by getting defensive and redirecting attention to things she's good at, i.e. books and rules. This is also her reaction to vulnerability in general; Hermione needs to be In Control, and intimacy is the one area where that's literally impossible.

She's capable of observing her own faults in others much more easily than she is of observing them in herself; she'll criticize Harry and Ron for being tactless and then turn around and say something incredibly rude without blinking. This also applies to Harry's inability to pick his battles; Hermione's a little better than he is, but they both have different triggers, and she's not necessarily less bellicose than he is. (This doesn't stop her from lecturing him about a need to "be the hero" in OOTP, one of my all-time favorite Hermione Hypocrisy moments, because. Babygirl. Doctor, heal thyself.) She's scrappy and once she's engaged someone as an enemy, she fights with no holds barred; rules are for people who choose to play by them, and once someone breaks them, she's willing to open the umbrella of what she can do to deal with them. She doesn't have the most consistent moral code in the world! She's often inconsistent, and that's what's wonderful about her. She's a realistic depiction of a fifteen-year-old girl who cares just so fucking much, about everything, all the time, and is furious and desperate and passionate and brilliant, and wants to solve every problem, even when it means contradicting herself. She's still figuring herself out, and I love that about her. I love that she's wrong sometimes. I love that she's rude and messy, and she isn't good at expressing her needs.

In my view, the core tension of her character is her desire to be righteous and her absolute determination in pursuit of her goals. She is an ends not means type of person, and that's a decent philosophy when your enemies are dragons and dementors, but the minute you start dealing with people, your moral bets are off. This is the place where I think canon leaves her, and it's the place where the best fanfic takes her up.

#greenteacup asks #hermione granger #thank you sm ;_; #<3