#I havent played this game for more than six years and when I got back I still dk how to play it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

wujico · 4 months

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first post.. wow hello void. this is a little more awkward than i thought. i know i should treat this like im writing on paper again in my little taco journal i got from my friend back in elementary, but... idk maybe its the thought that somebody might read this that puts me off. and also the fact that i just.... havent written anything in any sort of journal since i was 16 and making goodbye letters (ToT) what a life

anyway today is a saturday... well its sunday morning at 5am but im riddled with anxiety and cant sleep so :,) im trying to keep my thoughts busy. i work again tomorrow, only six hours which is usual for me, but its fucking -50⁰ where i live rn and I REALLY dont wanna force myself out of bed..... ugh

but ive been really good at never skipping work unless im throwing up all over the place so :,) speaking of that, i just got done being sick with the flu for the SECOND TIME within two months !!!!! i have a horrid immune system.. most of the time when im sick i spend hours rotting away in my bed and on the bathroom floor... these two times were no different

i genuinely was up at like 5am unable to sleep sobbing in my bed because it hurt so much !!! i gen wanted to die lmfao i hate being sick

but its whatever... at least i got to talk to 🍀 while i was high on meds and a 39.8⁰ fever... i said some funny shit but he just entertained me... i love looking back at our messsages.. he really seems to care for me.... crazy

neway yes saturday.. today.. what did i do- well i had work. i was stressing the entire day over being able to get my hw done for uni classes on time but then i just.. decided not to work on it at all. idk.. work was okay. i love working. even though its a a gross fast food restaurant with shady people coming and making a mess 24/7. all that bad cancels out when it comes to my cowokers. ive had so... so so so many people ive loved at this job. people ive loved more than i should and who have left me (WHATS NEW) BUTTT thats a story for another day

well anyway i got to see one of my besties who is always talking about her boy troubles ... i think everyone still thinks im a lesbian there since im not out to them as trans and have a gf 🙃 its kinda funny.. especially with all my male coworkers

who can just goof off and be close to me without the added stress of thinking its going to go anywhere (for the two of us).

wow this is already becoming so long shksjjsskjslk i have a feeling each post is gonna be like this... just a ramble about my life

anyway. i went home and immediately one of my headmates made himself know... his names nikki and hes... newish? hes been around since august 2023 but just recently showed himself. well we played sky together for a while, just the two of us. i sorta.. soft called out 🍀 on my discord status saying something like "chill cr w/ nikki!! anyone can join!" hoping theyd join my game LOL

well it was a call out to any one of my sky friends on disc (my new friend mochi actually ended up seeing it and we got to talk propery on sky for one of the first times... i was so happy)

i felt bad for 🍀 at first because he couldnt see mochis chat messages while we were having a whole ass conversation with 🍀 piggy on my shoulders... but they added each other a little later and i think the convo went well :)

🍀 's sky friend actually joined us as well.. i dont know her... nor do i really care that 🍀 seemed so close with her (well that was definitely a lie i told myself)

im so jealous LMFAOOOO definitely problems related to being stuck in a toxic friend group for 12 years BUT AGAIN thats a story for another day

anyway i was a bit sad at first because there are just things you cant say in a chat with your queer platonic partner when theres a random who you sort of know but have never personally talked to... so i shut off a bit... nikki tho bless him wtf was like- urging me to stop being so closed off towards sky friends sjhdksjsk especially because this person was really nice and even asked if she could tag along (which i said was fine because i cant say no to anything, no matter how hard i try)

it got better tho, when mochi joined

i really am a horrible person, because i felt i finally had equal grounds on 🍀 by being able to talk to mochi while they couldnt

curse being literally delusionally attached to 🍀 because he is my o n l y true friend !!!

i really am selfish for wanting to have all his attention. i am such a shitty human being

anyway... we went to eden (i lead everyone) and then sat and talked for a bit. being on equal ground with mochi about our interest in skz was super refreshing. its been a while since ive talked to anybody... but i recently joined the sky server and mochi and a few others dmed me

half way through i saw me and 🍀 's mutal friend come online.... ill call him 🌟 on here.... i only recently got to know him because i was online on sky alone and decided to join him.. he was doing quests by himself so i got some 1 on 1 time with him and omg hes so cool

i always have this habit of putting everyone else in an "untouchable" catergory, because everyone compared to me is just so much better. i guess i idolized 🌟 in a way because i never got to talk to him... he was only mutals to me through our sky friend group

anyway after that 1 on 1 i immediately felt so amazing and i wanted to talk to him every chance i get... so after mochi left and he hadnt joined our game (which was suprising because i was with 🍀 and the other person who are close to 🌟 and he likes them a lot better than me so i thought hed join one of them.... but he didnt) so i just went and joined his game immediately

i kinda ditched 🍀 but its whatever, i was still in a bad mood from earlier

i was kinda upset and sad all day so.... i was distant in my head and wasnt talking to anyone.. but that wore off the moment i got the chance to talk to 🍀 again

which was when my dad suprised me with mcdonalds !!! i really felt gross after eating it- and still do- but it helps sometimes. to eat that garbage.. ive always been a binge eater

where the hell even was i

yea i teleported to 🌟 to hang out with him and 🍀 warped to me... i didnt really mind because theyre both super cool and my idols but i got a dry ass greeting from 🌟 wheres as 🍀 got a enthusiastic one !! so yeah immediately i was like aight i see how it is

but 🍀 left to do a cr so i got more 1 on 1 time with 🌟 WHICH WAS SO NICE!! i feel like we are getting closer and closer everyday... anyway he was playing some music and i offered to stay and listen and it was gen so nice... i wanted to fall asleep just listening to him play hehe and after every song id complement him and we'd talk about what hed just played (if it was from a game or a movie) .... and well he seemed gen grateful for the compliments which made me fill up with pride

eventually 🍀 came back but i didnt really mind since i got my 1 on 1 time and i enjoy talking to both of them anyway

we had a nice convo going then 🌟 left

i always feel so prideful when i can make people laugh, even though it might even just be a lol or hahaha

then me and 🍀 had one on one time... which is what brings me to writing this

he mentioned he had a secret tumblr diary. this isnt the first time he mentioned it- back when we met irl he said if i could find it i could read it.... i tried to find it lol but couldnt so i just gave up

i didnt even think about it again until tonight.... i thought about trying to find it again but then i was like- yk what would be a better idea !!! make my own !!

so yeah i got the idea from him... a little secret vent diary place that i hope nobody can find (especially him, but if you do find it, im sorry LOL)

really i kinda wanna go looking for his but.... idk after making my own im just like how fucking awkward would it be for him to find mine and read it 😀😀 LIKE THAT WOULD BE SO BAD

so ive given up again

im gonna wait until he shares it with me.. idk when that'll be, but maybe when he does ill have wrote a lot on here and can share this with him as well

after all, i am kinda crazy. ill tell him every little secret about me if he asked.

i have so much to say but no brain power left. oh well

- ji

(1 / 13/ 2024)

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fizzingwizard · 1 year

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my cousin who I havent talked to in years randomly messaged me to ask if I play/know people in Japan who play Pokemon Go

I assume it's something to do with exclusive regional pokemon? I think I remember that was a thing way back in 2016

I played Pokemon Go when it first came out, but I had an old iPhone 5C because it's all I could afford, and they stopped supporting older iPhones. Because of how expensive they are I never bothered getting a new one. I have Android now. It's an old Android too now because I've had it for six years x'D but both it and the iPhone 5C still work decently (although the latter has charging issues which I'm not sure if it's due to the cable or the phone itself, I haven't bothered to look into it bc android and all). like why do I have to shell out the pennies I earn teaching pre-K for the newest and expensivest just because it's the bestest (for one year until the next newest expensivest and bestest comes out)?

*ahem* anywaaay... I stopped playing Pokemon Go because it wasn't supported on my phone. By the time I got the Android phone, I had completely forgotten about the game, and never even checked to see if it's supported on Android. It looks like it is, so now that my cousin's reminded me it exists, I'm kinda tempted to get it...

But I have a 2 gb plan because I'm cheap as hell and I don't want to pay more x'D my data is always used up by the end of the month anyway and I don't even know what is eating up all of my storage. So to get Pokemon Go I'd definitely need a better plan or a new provider (which I kind of do want, a coworker told me of a provider recently which sounds like it has better plans than mine. it's just that canceling phone contracts is such a bitch and I don't want to pay cancellation fee)

Normally I wouldn't pay more just to play a game on my phone which I recall only mildly liking anyway (it was so tough to find Pokemon that weren't Rattata. The only interesting catches I made happened when I went to the airport). But lately every single company is (in my opinion) wasting its money and time making its own tailored app and demanding we all download it to our phones. Bank and gas and stuff I don't mind, but restaurants - stores - etc etc. It is honestly so annoying. Even work tried to make me download an app to do my taxes, even though the tax program was already installed on the computers and we only need it once a year...

I really hate the app craze but it seems impossible to avoid. Sooo. Maybe time for a new plan with more data and storage. Ahh if only salaries ever went up like the prices of everything else. Guess I shoud apply for a job at Uniqlo buhahaha.

#fizz's life

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maschotch · 2 years

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spencer for the character ask game if you 're still doing it/ havent already done it. also, opinion on the "i almost went back on dilaudid" scene in 7x02 because i've seen a lot of people say that's reid's most toxic moment

spencer reid

first impression: oh god the white girls are gonna be freaks about this one for sure

impression now: they sure are!! they sure are!! wow they went exactly where i thought they were going with this character, guess i cant be too disappointed bc idk what else i expected

favorite moment: when he gets shot in 5x01 and he's lyin there bleeding on the ground talking about anything other than himself askjdhalsd GIRL GET HELP

idea for a story: i would love for him to leave the bau the same way gideon did.

unpopular opinion: he's not my favorite?? he never has been?? his whole character archetype (white, skinny, austistic-coded-but-we're-not-gonna-talk-about-it-but-still-call-it-representation-and-pat-ourselves-on-the-back-for-it) is really just not something i'm really interested in, especially when done poorly. i liked him more in the early seasons, before they started dumping as much shit on him as they possibly could just for the sake of it. i still like the character, but i don't understand the hype

favorite relationship: three way tie between morgan, garcia, and elle. currently garcia's edging ahead of the others bc im thinkin of when he got her a blueberry muffin or smth.. they're just so cute in that scene akdjshla okay but for realsies i love that they're both undoubtedly the smartest on the team, and i love that it's constantly brought up that one isn't necessarily smarter than the other? it's hard to quantify bc they're intelligent in different ways, but i like that it's something they don't just ignore: she's just as smart as him. and i love their "two youngest siblings" dynamic when they're forced to work together

favorite headcanon:

i did not know that this was a popular opinion?? i think that's... really fucking stupid actually asdkjhglas like im not even gonna pretend to be nice about it

this guy has been dealing with his addiction for years. that's not something that you solve once, move on, and it's never a problem again. this is one of the very few times that we see him bring up that it has been a continued struggle: just because you haven't relapsed doesn't mean it's not a battle you deal with constantly. so of course it's understandable that losing a close friend for the first time would make the issue flare up again.

im not saying reid wasn't bitchy that episode lmao he was definitely an ass. so i understand people saying that the way he acted was childish and petty. but the moment where he talks about his addiction? that's the most adult he's acted the whole ep. that was him talking about what the heart of the issue was: jj knew he was hurting and struggling and continued to lie anyway. no more games, no more underhanded comments. he's getting straight to the point. this is how serious the issue was. this is why the betrayal stings so much.

im not saying jj was in the wrong for making that decision either: she did what she had to do--what hotch told her to do--to keep emily safe. but that doesn't erase the pain it caused, even if she had a valid reason for it. i also have a lot of personal thoughts on how jj really doesnt like taking responsibility for things and how just expecting him to automatically forgive her is ridiculous but thats irrelevant rn.

reid was extremely close with emily. she was the one he felt comfortable opening up to; her stability and support played a big role in reid not relapsing when gideon left. it makes sense that his addiction would resurface with her death. i don't think he's blaming jj for it, but he's upset with jj for knowing the kind of pain he was in and not bothering to do anything about it. he came to her house crying for six weeks. it's already hard enough for reid to be vulnerable around anyone, so to have that trust shattered like that was just salt on the wound. i think he's entitled to be upset about that

i understand people saying that the way he acted in the rest of that ep was ~toxic~ ig , but that particular moment? he's expressing the gravity of that situation. reid is an addict, it's not like he's making this up just to hurt jj's feelings. but he's not toxic for bringing it up: he's saying what he's feeling, why her actions caused him so much pain, and why it's not easy to forgive her for it.

idk i think that people have started to use the word "toxic" very flippantly. it's not when someone's being a big meanie :( or when someone makes you feel bad :( confrontation is not toxic. it's just a part of life, and a healthy part of a relationship. otherwise reid would've internalized that hurt and things would've gotten much worse between the two of them: addressing it was the healthy thing to do. maybe he didn't go about it in the nicest way, but that doesn't make him toxic for it lmao

#this turned into a rant askjdhgl and idk how much of it makes sense #but thats just?? some of the craziest shit ive heard???#and yall know im not just saying it bc i dont like jj or bc i think reid is precious uwu baby #bc 1. idgaf ab reid fuckin who cares 2. i think jj was justified!! emily's life was on the line!!!#but that doesnt mean that automatically means reid has to immediately forgive her for it #talking ab ur issues and the way someones actions affect you isnt toxic #for ME his most toxic moment is all the shit he does with his mom in the later seasons lmao he's just a fucking ass ab that whole thing #asks #spencer reid #jennifer jareau #endgame spoilers #oh my god my icon scared me kajdhlk THIS is why i dont change icons ever

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ohhmyheart5678 · 3 years

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When in the streets of seoul (5)

*warning* this mentions death, murder, suicide, guns, and other gruesome and dark content if you are sensitive to these kinds of things do not read it

Pairing: Chan x female reader

Word count 2.1k

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*****

It's been six days, six day fucking days since I've been trapped here. I absolutely hate it. I spent the first three days not speaking to anyone and the other three finally excepting the fact that this is going to be my life now.

It's such a nice place. I get fed the best foods, I sleep in the most comfortable king sized bed with silk sheets, I have the best clothes, and I'm still miserable.

I went to the speaker and pressed 1. "Kinely ! You need something?" Chan sounded quite concerned. He believed that I had everything I needed but he forgot one thing. "I need to go to the store" I say sharply. Even though the deal was that I wasn’t able to go in public he haven't let me out of this room yet.

He says I'm not cooperating and so I have to wait. "What do you need from the store that I can't get for you?" I could hear the slight annoyance in his voice but he could never be as annoyed as I am right now. I mean he is keeping me hostage for Christ sake. "Just take me to the store you dickhead" I was honestly so done with him.

I needed to get out this room and I needed to go to the store ASAP. "I'm not going to the store because you won't tell me what it is" Chris was trying to put his foot down but little did he know I was far better at this game than he was. "Look I need pads either you take me to get them, or you can suffer the consequences of trying to find the perfect pads for me which I guarantee that you won't and then you'll have to take me to pick them out anyways, or we can always go with the option of me bleeding everywhere" there was a long pause before he finally responded.

"Fine I'll take you to the store" was all he said before it went completely silent. I waited patiently by the door until a boy comes in. "Hey seugmin did Chris send you for me" he just gives a simple nod. "Felix and I" he simply says while fully opening the door that he was standing in just enough to show his body. Once he swung open the door it revealed Felix. The orange haired boy waved at me.

Since staying here Chris has sent the boys at least once so that they could introduce themselves since I'm gonna be seeing a lot more of them. I've learned about what these boys do. Since I had nothing better to do the least I could do was steal information on the guys I'm going to be living with from now on.

For instance Chris is the oldest and the leader. He calls the shots, he looks over the plans, and makes sure everything runs smoothly he does need to do much work but Felix says Chris is the last resort and that he’s feel bad for anyone if Chris was called in. Then there's Minho. He is one of the main men on the field he's the look out and distraction, and supposedly from what I heard he does a damn good job at it. Plus Minho has a medical background so if anyone gets hurt he’s the man everyone goes to.

There's also changbin he's got quite the temper so they use him when there's need for extreme measures you know if they need .. a mess. I heard he can get pretty creative with that stuff.

Hyunjin, who often checks on me throughout the day is the sniper. He knows weapons like the back of his hands and could handle them blindfolded. Then it's Jisung, they call him Han. He is the best fighter in the house. You can have a gun in the fight and he could still win.

Felix known as the second Aussie of the house does the interrogations. He can get anyone to talk, his deep voice scares mostly anyone , but for the ones that are harder to get through. Let's just say they can either come out alive while missing some part of their body. Or they can come out in a body bag.

Seugmin is the hacker, he can hack into litterally anything. You name it, he can hack it. He's the one who got the information on my dad.

Last but definitely not least there's jeongin they all him I.N . He is silent but deadly. The red hair boy is like a ninja. They use him when they want to get the job done quickly but quietly.

We arrived downstairs where Chris was waiting for us at the door. I figured he was already handling business downstairs so he fetched the two boys to get me. "Thanks gentleman I got it from here" it was his nice easy of telling them to go away.

We got into his car and he drives us to a nearby store. I looks around searching for the right ones as he stands behind me trying to figure how the whole process works. I saw the pack I wanted and grabbed two of them. "Ahh now I know for next time" he says as if he has just been enlightened. "Next time?" I wanted to know what he meant by next time.

"Next time its you know... that time, I'll be able to pick out the right ones for you" that’s so aggravating! My only reason to get out the house was once again taken from me. Chan probably could tell that I was slightly disappointed by his statement so he changed it a little , I mean seeing that he’s talking to a hormonal women who’s not necessarily in the best mood at the moment. "I mean unless you'd like to do it for yourself" A small smile slightly appeared on my face as I handed the cashier the goods to ring up. "Is there anything else you want or need from here before we leave" Chris wanted to hurry out of here because this was time he could be spending working at home. "Nope" I was completely content with having what I needed so far.

Once we arrived back home I was instantly sent back to my room. Sitting there in boredom I looked around for some form of entertainment. There was absolutely nothing to do in this room and I was just now realizing it. For the past few days all I've been doing was sleeping and eating , so I didn't stop to think about it . I was too busy being sad about being locked up in a room by a bunch of psychos.

I looked over at the speaker not wanting to bother Chris because I rarely want to even speak to him. I walked over pushing the number 5 on the speaker and hoped this man was in his room.

"Hey kinely are you doing ok?" He genuinely sounded concerned. "Can you come over here please" I knew I didn't have to really ask him because he doesn't mind coming and checking on me anyways but I thought to ask just in case . "Sure just give me a sec" Hyunjin was always in here and even though Chris comes in often to talk to me he's always busy it's only for a few seconds before he goes back to "work".

Hyunjin came within fifteen minutes. He knocks making sure I'm not naked or anything. I think that it was pretty nice of him to do considering the other boys just come in as they please. I mean I know it's your home and all but a girl needs privacy.

"Come in" I yelled from my closet, I had just put on sweats and a hoodie to get a little comfortable. "You sent for me?" He walked in and closed the door behind him. "I was wondering if you could stay in here for a little longer than you normally do? I think I'm gonna go insane in here by myself" he chuckled at me being immensely dramatic. I put the back of my hand on my forehead pretending to be a damsel in distress.

He walked over to my bed and sat on it and patted on it which was his way of telling me to sit down. "Maybe you don't have to stay in here all the time" he seemed like he was getting somewhere but I was yet to follow. "What do you mean?" Was he gonna take me out this house or was I reading this wrong? "Its not much but maybe you could come to my room. There's tons of things to do in there. We just can't let Chan know I'm taking you out considering he wants you in the room." He fidgets a little wondering how I was going to respond to his offer.

Hell yeah I was gonna take this opportunity to leave the room! I had nothing else to do in the looney house. "Why not?" I shrug not wanting him to know just how excited I was. He grabs my head and leads me to his room all the way in the other side of the house.

My jaw dropped once he opened his room door to let me inside. He had arcade games like ddr, those ones when you race on the motorcycle, street fighter and pac man. He had a giant tv mounted on his wall in front of his bed and a wii console which I havent seen in years. "Told ya" he crossed his arms leaning against doorframe while admiring the dumb look of shock on my face.

"Where do we even start?" I was still looking around trying to pinpoint the first thing I wanted to do. "Doesn't matter where we start all you need to know is I'll kick your ass at any game in this room" his cockiness shines through, a side of him I haven't seen since I first met him.

What he didn't know was how competitive I can get "You're gonna be very disappointed when you realize how much you suck compared to me, especially when I beat you in dance revolution" It was on now. I can see a gleam in his eyes and knew he was almost if not just as competitive as I am.

Twelve rounds, six wins , and six loses later. We decided to watch a movie. "How's it feel to loose to someone as amazing as I?" I stood on his bed placing my hand on my hips. I'm sure he's yet to meet someone as dramatic as me. "We both won and lost the same amount of time so I'd say we're equally as amazing if you ask me" hes right about that but this his room and his games that he plays all the time if he didn’t win then it would be embarrassing. Hyunjin pulls my right leg causing me to fall on his bed. "You asshole!" My body had no control over itself. It was bouncing up and down on its own and I couldn't even stop it.

"You were to one who wanted to watch a movie and you can't even sit still" Hyunjin teases while I finally get myself together and sit up all the way in the bed. "Plus you weren't calling me a asshole when I took you out of your room." I gasped while holding my chest. "Oh how dare you?" I squinted my eyes at him and he laughed at me.

I must admit I haven't felt this good in a few days. I almost forgot that I was being held against my will but the thought is always in the back of my mind. I finally settle down and Hyunjin was nice enough to let me choose the movie I wanted. So here we were, on the bed watching a movie. For comfort I lay my head on his shoulder and her wraps his wraps around me.

I felt relaxed and almost safe. Soon I fell asleep with the movie playing in the background. Hyunjin was staying still trying not to wake me up. In fact so still that he ended up falling asleep himself.

I just needed to wake up on time before Chris realizes that I'm gone.

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beetleboo · 3 years

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long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked.

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

#beetleposts #miserytag

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bruh-haikyuu · 4 years

Note

A miya osamu scenario where he’s having a quality time together with fem s/o in a quiet little coffee shop 💕💕💕 Thaaaaanks

A/N: miya osamu. your hand in marriage. now. ALSO SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT READ UP TO CHAPTER 378 OF THE MANGA.

apricate. | miya osamu

word count: 2040

warnings: MANGA SPOILERS, slight hints of sexual content

(v.) to bask in the sun

The silver band wrapped around your left ring finger glittered warmly at the amber beam of light streaming from the tiny shop’s window. From behind the mosaic counter adorning the back of the cafe, the aroma of caffeine and freshly baked fruit tarts poured between the tables in the room. At this hour of the day, the establishment was unusually quiet, but you weren’t exactly complaining about that—

“Osamu, I wanna go home.”

You were almost apologetic that your husband was into his third sigh of the day. At some point of time, you would be the reason behind his slowly settling wrinkles. “Y/N, it’s only been 5 minutes since we’ve sat down.”

It wasn’t like he could blame you for it. You weren’t just upset, you were distressed. A parent to three rambunctious children, and you had left them with the family shop on their own. Though it was only for the day—and seeing that they had demanded that the both of you “go and enjoy your day off”—you didn’t get much of a wink of leisure.

“A-Are you sure it’s alright to leave Setsuko to take care of her younger siblings?” you rattled, a soft image of your precious ten-year old daughter forming in your head. “Oooh… what if Eiji causes her too much trouble and insists that he keeps workin’ instead of eatin’ ? And ‘Samu, did you remember to tell her where Kaori’s diapers are kept? M-maybe, I should call her just to check…”

As you unclasped your purse to look for your cell phone, your face paled at its obvious absence from where it should’ve been. When you looked up to meet Osamu’s lax face, his expression had said it all.

Raising your “missing” phone in his hand, he crossed his arms and shot you a smirk that said: I took precautions.

“Y’know, if Secchan’s been pesterin’ us to get out of the house for so long, she knows exactly what you’d do to her if we came back to the house up in flames. Plus, Eiji and I had a talk the other day about over-workin’ himself, so rest assured, he ain’t going to be doing that for a loooong, long time… And yes. I did tell Setsuko that Kao-chan’s nappies are on the bottom drawer of her room. ‘S all good. Anything else, Miya Y/N-san?”

Now it was your turn to sigh. “They’re my children, ‘Samu. Can’t help it.”

“Hey, I’m also a part of the family. Why ain’t I stuck on your mind all the time too, huh?” he said gruffly, a tone reserved to cheer you up whenever you needed it.

That’s right, you could never help it. They were your babies, the angels that were growing up too fast for your liking. It felt like it was just yesterday that your firstborn Setsuko, now at a double-digit age, was curled in your arms. Practically attached at your hip 24/7. The moment she’d bashfully asked you to stop plaiting her hair for her, you swore you could hear your heart shatter.

Moreover, it didn’t help that eight-year old Eiji (despite still being pegged as a “Mama’s boy”) was becoming more and more of a carbon copy of his father—too hard-working, but too oblivious. You weren’t one to scold your children about their grades, but with Eiji’s frightful progress at school, the lingering thought of your son saying that he’d consider dropping out of school to “be an adult” so Osamu would let him work full-time at the shop hindered you from any good night’s sleep.

But Kaori… Oh, your darling treasure Miya Kaori. Just a year old, fresh from your womb. Like so, “Kao-chan” was the apple of your older children’s eyes and the jewel of her father’s heart. The lone salvation of your livelihood was her innocent youth and you were desperately begging the gods to keep it that way. As soon as Kaori would start tying her own shoelaces and everything, you were sure you were going to turn into stone.

Your knees bumping under the picturesque, wrought iron table, Osamu gave you an endearing smile. “Relax. We have Fuji-san to keep an eye on ‘em in the shop, right? That guy’s got more nerves than his own body. If we’re worried about anythin’, it’s that the kids would get bored with him telling them to sit still.”

Your mind drifted to the thought of the young but unusually high-strung college student who’d been working part-time at the onigiri shop for two years. Osamu did make a point though. The bespectacled Fujiwara Chiaki was probably more dedicated to working than your own husband—a trait that he had likely passed on to your only son Eiji. The idea was concerning, but not to the extent where your head throbbed from it.

“They say if you think too much, you’ll grow old faster,” Osamu poked teasingly, while pushing a plate of a fragrant confectionary towards you. “You didn’t even notice that I’d brought back your favorite cheesecake.”

At the mention of the dessert, your eyes shot downwards to the platter. It looked just as sweet and luscious as it always did. From the first time you had it in high school as a “thank-you gift” from Osamu for helping him study for his exams, down to your wedding party where your friends had surprised you with an entire tower of it. You were sure Osamu would’ve been sick of tasting the velvety cream for 20 years and counting, but there was another suspicion you had that he’d feel gratified whenever he got it for you.

Holding out a forkful of cake, he said smugly at your twinkling gaze. “Open sesame, Y/N-chan.”

You didn’t hesitate for a second. When was the last time you got to enjoy yourself without any sniffles or pleading demands from your children? They’d inherited you and their father’s affinity for eating after all; a meal would never go untouched when it came to the Miya household. And if you’d brought this cake home, you know they’d bulldoze it down before you could grab a slice for yourself.

“So good…” you murmured, savoring the lightness of the dessert. Tangy and tethering on the border of being sweet and too sweet, this was indefinitely your next favorite thing after your family.

Osamu chuckled as you ate, tucking the loose strands of hair behind your ear. “Ain’t this getting too sugary for you? Y’know, I only gave you this the first time because I’d felt my teeth would fall out if I ate a bite of it.”

“You practically bribed me with it so I’d date you. If you think about it, you used this to bribe me into a lot of things!” your pout did not mask your amusement at all.

“Like how I used this so you’d finally catch a break from coddlin’ Secchan and have a better ‘time’ with your lovin’ husband? I’d say that it was a profitable compromise, my dear.”

You scoffed. “Profitable until you learn that having a second child was harder that you’d thought. How’d it feel tryin’ to feed Eiji the first time, huh?”

“It was a coincidence that Eiji just had to be a picky child growing up,” he shrugged. “Should I point out that you made it harder with spoilin’ him rotten, Mama Miya?”

You gave him your best, dramatized expression of offense. Oh, two could play this game. “Excuse you, Papa Miya. But who was the one who bought Setsuko an entire 50,000 yen-pretend kitchen as soon as she gave them one small tug on the sleeve?”

“C’mon, Y/N, you knew if I could afford it I’d buy it for her, no questions asked! The face she pulled when we brought it home could add ten years to my lifespan. There’s no way I would want to miss it,” his cheeks flared a vivid crimson. Hiding a snicker, you wondered how long it had been since you’d last seen that look on him.

“Miya Setsuko, the heiress of Onigiri Miya, already interested in the way of the stove at four years old! I couldn’t believe it. Ain’t she pretty darn cute in that apron we got in the set? Nah… that’s probably because Secchan’s pretty darn cute herself…” He was rambling now, eyes glossed over at the image of his daughter. Six years ago, she’d happily hopped into his lap when he’d finished tying up the frilly, daffodil-yellow apron, and gave him a hug that nearly pushed him to tears. Oh, how you wished you were there to see it.

“Osamu… Your gap moe* is showin’.”

“Oh, hush!” he spat, averting his gaze from yours as your leaned back on your chair, nearly doubling over in laughter. Though part of his face was covered by the large, ornate coffee mug, you knew he was smiling through and through.

The soft tinkling of the fake crystal chandeliers in your wake, your insides felt tingly in a way you haven’t felt for so long. What felt like hours, you spent talking with your husband about your little family, the shop, his brother (though this was quickly interrupted by another conversation about what Kaori’s first word would be), and all the things you’d never had the time to talk about since you were both so busy. It was just like high school all over again, only less melodramatic and more… wrinkly. But just as colorful as it always had been.

However, when Osamu fell silent, you knew something had gone terribly wrong. Setting down your fork, you leaned over the small table to observe his wallowing features.

“Osamu, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

As if he was being forced to shove an entire rock down his throat, he whispered, “… I miss ‘em.”

You stared at him, then did a double take. “S-sorry, say that again? Didn’t hear you.”

With reddened cheeks, he repeated himself anyway. “ I miss ‘em! All this talk about the kids… I know it’s only been a couple of hours but I miss Secchan already! M-my baby. My princess. Y-you know what it’s like, right, Y/N?”

You felt like a colossal force had lifted from your back. Grabbing your husband’s shoulders from across the table, you shook him while exclaiming, “Me too! I miss ‘em too! God, the entire time I was wishing I was feedin’ this cake to Eiji instead of myself. The way his cheeks puff up when he chews something… I have to see it…! And especially—”

“Kao-chan.”

“Kaori.”

And just as the planets aligned, your cell phone that had been sitting in Osamu’s coat the entire time rang. Taking it out of his pocket, he showed you the screen, displaying the name of the caller. Fujiwara Chiaki.

With your husband pressed close to your side, both cramped on one dainty seat of the cafe’s chair, you listened closely to the other side of the phone. “Hello? Fujiwara-kun?”

Chiaki’s meek but strangely jovial voice responded through the speakers. “Ah, Y/N-san, you picked up. The children wanted to speak with you about something. I think you’ll like this—”

“Chiakiii! You’re takin’ too long on the phone~ Hi, Mama! Can Papa hear me too?!”

Looking at your husband, you exchanged a smile. Eiji. Leaning his head on your shoulder, he cooed at your son. “I’m right here, Eiji.”

“Great! Because we have some ultra, big, super, important news to tell you—!”

A pop, a crackle and Eiji’s exuberant voice turned into Setsuko’s huffy, light one. “Eiji, Mama and Papa put me in charge so I’m gonna tell ‘em! …Mama, Mama, Mama, you won’t believe what happened!”

“Oh? What happened, Setsuko?” you giggled, heart softening at the lilt of your daughter’s voice.

“Kao-chan said her first word today!”

Literally swiping the phone from your grasps, Osamu, practically gleaming from the announcement, excitedly quivered as he spoke. “R-really? She did that, Secchan? What did she say? Was it ‘Papa’ or ‘Mama’?”

“Hmm… I think it was—”

“Second thought, don’t tell us. I want to see and hear it for myself.”

That was your cue. Unravelling your right arm into the air, you shot the waitress your biggest smile. “Check, please!”

══════ ⋆★⋆ ══════

Glossary:

gap moe - when someone does something that is the complete opposite of their habits

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #miya osamu #miya osamu x reader #miya osamu imagine #miya osamu scenario #inarizaki x reader #sfw #osamu x reader #bruh haikyuu writing

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haikyuuwaifu · 4 years

Text

Broken Promise

MASTERLIST

PART IV:

warning: ANGST; MILD SWEARING

A/N: THIS PART IS A TOUCH LONGER THAN THE REST

*18 Years old*

Your third and final year at Fukurodani was probably the hardest. You never really cared much for test taking or academics. More often than not you coasted on the seat of your pants; however, your parents wanted you to do well and get into a good college. Getting into a good college meant studying and preparing for entrance exams. For Akaashi, third year meant captaining the volleyball team and preparing for the entrance exams to the only school he wanted to attend. Between volleyball and studying the two of you spent less and less time together. Walking to school in the mornings was non-existent because he always had morning practice. Akaashi ended up walking home alone because you were caught up in the library or helping one of the art students with their modeling assignments. You found that you enjoyed being in front of a camera, and you enjoyed standing in a room and watching art students paint how they perceived you.

The slight distance didn’t deter you, you always made sure you texted him good morning and good night. You checked up on him during the day and when you remembered you always packed an extra bento. For all you knew, everything was fine.

Three months into the school year, you finally had your schedule down! You finally had time to spend time with your Kaashi-chan, and to celebrate that; you packed an extra bento and onigiri to split with him at lunchtime. When the lunch bell rang you made your way to your boyfriends class, sliding the door open you greet your classmates and make your way over to your boyfriend's desk. “Kaashi-chan!” you grin enthusiastically pulling the bento out of your bag; “I brought an extra bento and onigiri I thought we could have lunch together; I finally have the hang of my schedule down so we can spend more time together.” you ramble digging for your chopsticks. “Who is this jiji-chan?” you hear and snap your head in the direction of the new voice. Akaashi waves his hand in your direction. “This is [name]-chan, she’s my girlfriend, [name]-chan this is Michi-san she’s the new volleyball club manager.” “Thanks for bringing extra lunch, but Michi-san already offered because she accidentally made extra.” he states stroking your hand. You smile tightly; “It’s fine Kaashi-chan; do you want to walk home together today?” you ask sitting down picking at your lunch. He scratches his neck and sighs. “I really would, but I have longer practice to get ready for Prelims; and I don’t want you to wait for me.” “We can spend time together this weekend okay?” he asks patting your hand and resuming his conversation with the girl sitting next to him.

That weekend was the first of many weekends Akaashi broke with you.

The turning point of your relationship was six months later when Fukurodani went to nationals. Things with you and Akaashi were tenuous at best. You saw each other twice a week at this point and one of those times was for weekly family dinners. Every time you tried to spend time with him, he always managed to have plans. He was studying with Michi. He was helping her learn how to play volleyball. From the time you met her to the present she has been nothing but a stain on a relationship that spanned 11 years. You and Akaashi have never really fought throughout the entirety of your relationship. You knew each other so well there was no need to argue, because your communication was top tier. You brought up a number of times the fact that you two never saw each other anymore. You brought up the fact that all of his free time was spent with someone else. And he listened...everytime you brought it up he would coax you into his arms with kisses and soft words. He’d whisper in your hair that he was sorry and he would do better. He did do better for a day or two; and he was right back at it again, dipping out and already having plans. But you loved him...deep down you knew he was your Kaashi-chan, and you loved him with every fiber of your being.

The night before nationals you and Akaashi had a rare moment alone together. Your parents invited his family over for dinner. You both laid in the grass in your backyard pinkies touching staring up at the stars scattered across the sky. “Kaashi-chan” you whispered softly. He grunted in acknowledgement. “You still love me right?” you asked, turning to your side to look him in the eye. “Of course I love you [name]-chan” he scoffed turning to face you. “Why would you question that?” you shifted slightly. “We haven’t spent a lot of time together and before you know it we’ll be out of school and moving forward...I had to make sure you still loved me.” you whispered softly picking at the grass. He gripped your hands in his and tilted your chin up. “Of course I love you, and when we graduate we’ll both go to Tokyo University and pursue our dreams together.” he grinned stroking your cheek. You sighed into his hand. “Kaashi, I...I’m not going to Tokyo University...I’ve already talked to my parents and they said the would help cover the cost of my headshots; but I’m going to become a model.” you whispered looking him in the eye. He pulled his hand back slightly. “ How can you choose something with no stability [name]-chan, haven’t you learned nothing over the years?” he huffed sitting up. “It’s not that I havent learned anything Kaashi...I just want to do what makes me happy...and modeling makes me happy.” you state tugging him closer to you. “I don’t want to fight with you tonight, especially when you have a big match tomorrow, so can we put this on the back burner?” He nods pulling you into his arms. “I love you” you whispered. “I love you too” he mumbled as you interlocked your pinkies once more.

~Nationals~

You spent the whole of nationals in the Fukurodani cheering section supporting Akaashi. You met up with Bokuto and some old friends from Gym 3 before the games started. You laughed, you cried, and you were on the edge of your seat watching Fukurodani dominate. The last day Fukurodani was in the final match against Inarizaki. You attempted to get Akaashi’s attention so you could blow him a kiss for good luck, but he was too busy talking to Michi. You couldn’t let it get to you though; this was his big moment! You watched on the edge of your seat as Fukurodani and Inarizaki played a full 5 sets never taking your eyes off Akaashi. With great anticipation you watched as Akaashi did a setter dump scoring the winning point! You were so happy you were screaming and crying;jumping up and down with Bokuto and Kuroo. You made your way down the steps trying to get to Akaashi only to stop in your tracks at the edge of the court as you watched your boyfriend of five years swing Michi around and pull her in for a kiss. His arms around her waist and her arms around his neck pulling him impossibly closer. You watched it unfold with a sick gut wrenching feeling. Your breathing heavy as your eyes filled with tears waiting to spill. You turned and ran bumping into fans waiting to congratulate the team. You ran as far as you could stopping at a park bench; heaving over as loud sobs wracked your body.

You didn’t know how long you were there. In the moment all you cared about was the numbness of your heart as you thought back to the last five years and how it all changed in the blink of an eye. A gentle hand prodded your side, “You alright?” they asked. You shook your head curling further into yourself. You felt them wrap their arms around your back and under your legs. Picking you up they started walking in the direction they came. “It’s gonna start raining soon, and I don't think ya should be out. Ya could get sick or somethin.” You nodded along with the stranger that found you. “ Ya don’t look like ya wanna talk much, but I don’t know where I’m going” he declares glancing down at you. You sigh softly and whisper, “just take me to the closest bus stop...I’m sorry for the trouble.” and that’s the last thing you say as the two of you walk to the nearest bus stop.

Hours later you're in your bed curled up. You’ve already shut your phone off and closed your curtains. You can’t find it in you to move from the position you put yourself in when you got home. Luckily enough, your parents were out so you didn’t have to face their inquisitions. As you lay there staring into darkness you hear a tap on your window. The tapping gets louder but you don’t move. You hear a click and your window is slid open. Standing in your bedroom is the one man you don’t think you can stomach seeing. Akaashi stares at you reaching his hand out to touch you. You flinch as you try to make yourself as small as possible. He sighs and sits in your desk chair. Raking his hands through his hair he says, “[name]...it was an accident. It didn’t mean anything and it was in the heat of the moment.” he claims folding his hands together. “I've spent the last number of hours looking for you, and you have everyone worried sick.” he scolds running his fingers through his hair. You take note of how jittery he is and the fact that he can’t seem to sit still. “Why Akaashi...why would you do something like that” you ask, peeking out of your blanket. “It was an accident, like i t-”; “Bullshit!” you scream ripping the blanket off. “I saw you grab and kiss another fucking woman!” you rage squeezing your fists together. “I've been watching you for months! Making plans with her, eating her lunches, giving her your jacket...it’s like I don’t exist to you anymore Akaashi!” you scream falling to your knees tears streaming down your cheeks. He stares as you break down, shaking his head. “[name]...I don’t think I can do this anymore.” he declares as your whimpering turns into soft sobbing. “I’m going to Tokyo University, that’s always been my plan and you know that...and I can’t...Michi is the kind of woman who understands me...she understands my life plan and instead of going against it...she wants to be a part of it.” he continues as you continue to shake. “What happened to pinky promise Akaashi?” you ask between sobs. “What happened to love and be loved Keiji Akaashi!” you scream at him. He scoffs, shaking his head. “We aren’t little kids anymore [name], this is the real world now and there's no room for nonsense like that.” he pats your head. “I’ll give you a few weeks and then we can resume our normal friendship.” he states climbing back out the window. You grab the nearest object to you and throw at him screaming into the night.

PART III|PART V

#akaashi keiji #akaashi x reader #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x reader #osamu miya #osamu x reader #osamu scenarios

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deeeelightfuldee · 3 years

Text

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets? baking definitely. I want to get more comfortable cooking.

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? yes. I used to be pretty good at doing my brothers hair-- even the fading. But I’m sure I’ve forgotten it all by now.

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? probably my sister or my nephews.

How many long term relationships have you been in? blegh. not many. Whenever I’d know that it didnt have long term potential, id drop it. no sense dragging out the inevitable.

Do you sleep with all the lights out, or do you leave a lamp or even the television on? so for the longest time I kept my room super dark. I slept well. once miller died and kile broke my heart, I couldn’t sleep without the tv playing. I needed to hear something calming and voices talking so I wouldn’t be left with my thoughts. I still can’t turn it off.

Who is one person you have forgiven, but still have not “forgotten” what they have done? i think its easy to say “forgive and forget” but the reality is that once we have endured trauma we don’t easily forget. I think its kind of unrealistic. I’m trying to forgive kile but thats going to take.. i dont know how long. As for what it was... it was just betrayal.. lying. for six+ years. lots of laughing at me.

Are you a fan of Lana Del Rey? I like some of her songs.

Do you know your blood type? o+

Do you know your mother’s birthday? Yes. its coming up.

Have you ever been pregnant? I dont think so. I was really late after my assault but who knows.

How old were you when you first went on a plane? like 7ish

Have you ever had to take out a loan for anything? Yeah, student loans. 15k feels so daunting right now.

Are both of your blood parents still in your life? One is. My mom.

When was the last time you went apple picking? highschool maybe?

Someone asked you what you wanted, what would you say? money.. or a trip.

Have you ever been drunk at school or work? definitely not.

How many bedrooms are in your house? four.

Are you smart about computers? I know some stuff.

Have you ever played Just Dance for Wii? oh heck’n yeah

Do you own a Xbox 360? I had one from my brother for a little while but I traded it for the gamecube since Kile was going to send me one of the 15 he had lol. That didn’t end up happening, but its OK i really dont need more gaming.

Would you ever do a sex tape for a million dollars? oooooooo.. probably not.

So, do you need a nap? all day is full of naps to try and get over this.

What would you rather be doing? school

What sport are you the best at? maybe volleyball or swimming

Do you have a little sister? What’s her name? Nope, im the baby.

Do you complain a lot? no, i try not to. I find complaining to be the most unattractive and yet common human trait and while there are definitely situations worthy of complaining, most of the time it just makes a situation worse than it actually was.

Would you rather go to an authentic haunted house or an ancient temple? temple

Do you like fruity or minty gum? definitely minty

Are you looking forward to any day of this month? i was really looking forward to Kile’s birthday on monday, but since we arent talking anymore then there is no joy in that. all the other special dates have been ruined by covid.

Have you ever gotten detention? Nope. homeschoolers and detention arent a thing.

Is there a traumatic event that you’ve experienced that’s changed your life? oh sure. heartbreak, deaths, assaults, etc.

Do you buy a majority of your clothes from a certain store, or do you just pick out items of clothing you could see yourself wearing, not caring about the store it came from? no, i can’t be super picky because not every store carries clothing long enough for me.

Have any of the artists you’re fond of released new albums recently? i havent got a clue

Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I mean I’m very fond of cats & dogs

Ever cried so much you threw up? this is what happened the whole 2-3 weeks following finding out about Kile.

Who is your best guy friend? I suppose now that would be Nathan

What do you two do when you hang out? drives, game nights, get food/drinks, or just talk.

What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Her

Do you even like horror movies? not particularly. I’ll watch them if someone else wants to but its not my preference.

Do you live in the country? i live in the suburbs i suppose.

What is your favorite accent? Some southern and British accents. <same ... i have no idea how I made the font like this.

Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? Not that I can think of.

Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? diet coke

What do you plan to do on your 21st birthday? my family celebrated during the day and then I think nathan took me out on the town

Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? nope.

Do you take a lot of pictures? man. this question is hard. I used to love taking pictures of myself. I had much more self confidence and some of it was because kile LOVED my selfies -- or so he said. and I just had so much fun doing that. Since the heartbreak, I’ve maybe taken 10 selfies. I just don’t have any self confidence in my looks anymore. its so different now. most of my pictures now are of other people or scenery.

What kind of face wash do you use? cerave when I want to. otherwise i use water and a very particular type of fabric.

Does drama always seem to follow you? No, i dont think so.

Does anybody in your family race? like cars? running? no.

Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom.

How much money did you used to get from the ”tooth fairy?” I think i got it like 2x and it was a dollar.

Do you have a laptop or desktop? Laptop.

Do you like your parents? i love my mom.

Do you secretly like someone? No.

Would you ever date your best male friend? I don’t see any romantic feelings developing between nathan and I

What are you currently listening to? I have gilmore girls on.

Do you want to be single? oooof. Um. I am torn on this subject. On the one hand, i really am ready to be loved, held, protected, cared for, etc. I love the idea of building a life together with someone and us both protecting our unit. I miss supporting, cherishing, loving on someone. Yet on the other hand, im fine being single. I have so much insecurity about myself lately that I dk that anyone else needs to deal with that baggage. Idk

Did you go out or stay in last night? I stayed in. ill be staying in for some time.

Have you pretended to like someone? romantically, no. professionally, yes.

How is your heart lately? Sad. heavy.

Are you wearing socks? not at the moment.

What do people call you? Di, diana, dee, ana, di-nan-na, dine-uh, deenah.

Do you get stressed out easily? no, I really dont

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance? yes

What is wrong with you right now? im sick. im heartbroken.

Do you own something from Hot Topic? not that I know of. if I do, it’d be from like middle school. I never shopped there but people tended to give gifts from there.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Alone. maybe I havent found the right sort of person to share a bed with.

Do you still talk to the person you last made out with? No.

Have you ever seen your best friend cry? Yes, several times.

Did you get any compliments today? No.

Have you ever gone to a beach? many many many times.

What would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? not my thing. at all.

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes.

Have you ever done volunteer work just because you wanted to? Yes.

Do you have long nails? they are healthy length. I want to grow them out a bit more.

Do you like the gender you are? Yeah.

Do you generally look nice in photos? Not anymore

Have you ever had a stick insect as a pet? no haha

What colour are your father’s eyes? Blue.

If I handed you a concert ticket right now, who would you want to be the performer? uhhhhm, blue october

Would you ever get into a long distance relationship? maybe not anymore.

What’s your favorite hot beverage? hot chocolate from dunkin

Did you ever play an instrument? If so what? i did. no comment.

Would you rather carve pumpkins or wrap presents? oooooohhhhhhhhh man i love both.

Do you think you’re important? I mean i offer some importance to this world but eh.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received? Hmm no idea.

Have you been diagnosed with any mental disorders? no

Have you ever moved to another state or country? If so, how did it feel to be new? No.

Do you know how to properly eat food with chopsticks? Nope.

What was the first thing you ate today? I haven’t eaten since breakfast yesterday

If you could spend the day, doing absolutely anything, with anyone, anywhere, what would it be like? for the longest time it was to spend the day driving aimlessly and getting food and talking about everything and nothing with Kile. now, its just.. idunno. blank.

If I were to ask you how you are doing, and you were only able to answer completely honestly, what would come out? I’m not doing well.

What is the one thing that you have been avoiding that you should do? There’s a few things related to school.

Is there anything that you wish you could take back? not really, no.

What, in your mind, could make you truly happy? this whole covid nonsense going away, heartbreak to soothe, and my miller back.

If you could change one conversation in your life, what would you say differently? Would it have REALLY made any difference? i dont know.

When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I just changed it up so itll be a bit.

Do people normally say you’re a fast typist, or are you rather slow? Fast.

Have you ever been considered the ‘smartest person in school?’ yes. several times.

How many drugs are in your system? lol lots of meds rn to kick this. usually none.

What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? the same as today.

Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. i dont like the idea of bite marks but hickeys were fun for a time. in not visible areas tho.

Do you call anyone baby? Not anymore.

What’s your current mood? Bleh.

What were you doing before filling out this survey? Watching gilmore girls

How late did you stay up last night? I took PM meds at i wanna say 8? maybe 7? I don’t remember.

When was the last time you cried really hard? its been a few weeks since ive cried about Kile. I’m in the numb stage.

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? hahahahahahah

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dontcallmecarrie · 4 years

Note

Are you planing on ever making By Dawns Early Light into a full blown story? ... And is Thanos an issue in this AU? I think you havent mentioned him in it so well, I wondered?

UMM. *looks over what I’ve got in that tag, and winces*

geez this thing’s longer than some of my actual fics, when did that happen?

Here’s the thing, though: this AU’s meant to be a writer’s-block-buster. Which, if the current evidence is anything to go by, has been a resounding success.

However.

As of right now it’s just that, a thought-and-snippet-writing exercise, because there’s a lot of things that’d need tweaking before I’d even consider posting it on AO3 [aka my inner perfectionist strikes again].

Again, this is mostly just me messing around with a fluffy tumblr-exclusive [for now, anyway] AU because this feels smaller stakes than if I were to round this up and make it into a full-out fic.

Also, in regards to the second part of your ask: not exactly. By Dawn’s Early Light is, at its core, a fairly fluffy self-indulgent AU, which for me is also code for ‘nobody dies if I can help it’ and ‘if the MCU can have a Gary Stu villain then I can do what I want, Deus Ex Machina-levels of fixits included’.

How? Simple. By nerfing the heck out of him, while also unfridging as many other moms as I can, with a side of I-have-yet-to-forgive-the-writers-for-pulling-this-bs-seriously-what-kind-of-writing-was-that.

Here’s how the entire Thanos situation would go down, in By Dawn’s Early Light (spoilers for a fic I have yet to write):

First, let’s take a step back, shall we? This is, among other things, a timeline-crunch AU. There’s a lot going down in a very compressed time frame [originally just because I wanted Howard to still be around just for Tony to be able to punch him, but now I’m invested in this so time go the full nine yards, buckle up everyone].

So. The entire situation around Maria Stark and Tony and Bucky’s been covered fairly well, but to sum up: when Howard turns out to be an abusive asshole of a husband, his wife smiles at him and promptly turns around and burns both SHIELD and Stark Industries, revealing HYDRA and Obadiah Stane’s double-dealing ahead of schedule [unintentional fixits ftw]. In the chaos, Bucky manages to escape and joins up with Maria and Tony as they go in hiding.

Ripple effect that didn’t get mentioned: Hank Pym sees this shit going down, realizes that the most famous missing child in the country is about the same age as his daughter, and decides to not aim to be Absentee Father of the Year. He ends up being a tad overprotective, sure, but is way more involved in his kid’s life and Hope Van Dyne grows up with at least one (1) parental figure in her life, so…there’s that.

Things happen, and the timeline for bringing Janet back gets moved up somehow, right around when the Avengers assemble.

Note to self: adjust part of Scott Lang’s origin story in this? Compare whistleblower laws of that time era, alt. entrance for him could be him somehow helping Tony hide because BDEL!Howard’s the type of petty and vindictive asshole who’d pull some strings if he found out this rando interfered with his search somehow.

Bonus for giving Scott and Hank something to commiserate about, later on, and would also have Tony and Co. feeling indebted to him [which would result in a lot of shiny prototypes and records being expunged, later on, probably]

…though that might be a bit much. Hmm.

Reason to bring Janet back: I do what I want also I think the MCU fridged moms because otherwise they’d be too powerful

Ripple effect that didn’t get mentioned, the second: since this is also the AU where moms get unfridged, Frigga’s going to be derailing the plot from her corner of the galaxy.

Also, since I finally watched Ragnarok but was a mythology nerd as a kid and have a passing knowledge of the comics, time to revamp how Hela fits into this universe.

Okay, she’s still murderous and powerful and ruthless.

Only, turns out there’s a very good reason for it: she was one of Loki’s students [iirc she’s his daughter in the myths, that’s the best I can come up with atm] before Odin saddled her with the thankless duty of being the watchkeeper of Asgard’s enemies and prisoners. As in, Odin just straight-up went ‘hey you look pretty talented, here, I now hold you responsible for this entire goddamn realm of assholes and creeps, if any get out we’re all screwed’.

Which is something Hela absolutely did not sign up for, but she’s now just about the only thing standing between said realm of undesirables and her home so she stays put […also maybe Odin sealed the only way back? Maybe? Idk].

It didn’t help that in the early days, these ruffians thought they could overpower her and escape to wreak havoc. So she had to kick everyone’s ass six ways to Sunday, until they finally accepted her as the head honcho of this dump and as someone Not To Be Fucked With.

Thus, why Hela’s known as the goddess of death and ruler of Helheim.

…and it’s also why she accidentally came to Thanos’ attention.

(Because why the hell not, as if her day wasn’t bad enough Odin you owe her big time—)

Thanos, of course, is in love with her carnage and seems to be the kind of guy who doesn’t take no for an answer. Hela just wants to be left the alone but can’t tell him to fuck off because if she did, she’d risk leaving her home open to attack from enemy agents, which is how we get the story behind why Thanos is known as the madman who courted death.

[Hela: fuck you and the horse you rode in on shoo you bastard and take your stupid flowers with you—]

Thanos was on one of his especially annoying ‘let me woo you with the ashes of this one civilization!’ kicks [Hela: ashes. How romantic. Not. Leave me alone already.] when some of the Dark Elves snuck out and killed Odin.

Hela…is only pissed she couldn’t have done it with her own two hands. Also slightly embarrassed that the Dark Elves escaped in the first place, and relieved that it was only Odin who’d kicked it because his wife had seemed pretty nice, the one time Hela’d seen the lady before she’d been drop-kicked to this hellhole.

Also— apparently she now can leave this place? Sayonara, bitches.

Thanos is very displeased when he doesn’t find her standing guard over Helheim when he returns.

Displeased enough to get creative, as far as courting gifts go, and think that if she didn’t like rings or jewelry, well, maybe this Lady Death would appreciate a shiny, fully-assembled Infinity Gauntlet instead.

well…let’s be honest, if it weren’t for his ‘don’t take no for an answer’ thing, you’d have to give the guy props for trying. Nothing says ‘I love you’ more than ‘here have this item of absolute cosmic power’, amirite? [just kidding]

Hela now has mixed feelings about Asgard. Before she was crowned Queen of This Dump, she’d been a student of magic, had been used to certain things. There’s quite an element of culture shock to be had, now that she’s back. It’s the first time she’s seen sunlight in thousands of years, and also there’s a lot of systemic changes going on now that some of Odin’s dirty secrets are coming out at last. Turns out she’s not the only one who’d been pressed into duty: some of Loki’s other students[/children in the myths] came back with stories of the same. Fenrir was apparently voluntold to be the guardian of the Reality Stone, Jormungandr had apparently been busy on Midgard […which now had a school of Mystic Arts? Pfft. Overachiever], and the more Hela thought about it the angrier she got.

Especially when it turns out that her teacher had been mocked for suffering a breakdown and was also tortured by the creep who’d been flirting with her for millennia [Everyone: wait what Hela: I am going to KILL THAT BASTARD NEXT TIME I SEE HIM].

However, thanks to Frigga being Frigga and having a crazy-high charisma stat, Hela is still mostly willing to play ball with everyone else on Asgard. Despite her not being happy with how ungrateful the general populace acted [oh, magic’s just ‘tricks’? Here, have a fireball TO THE FACE I FOUGHT MONSTERS WITH THESE TRICKS FOR MILLENNIA].

So when Thanos shows up again, he gets one-shotted by Hela, who’s very very pissy about her vacation being interrupted.

Because this planet has sunlight and hot chocolate and punk rock and she’s got centuries’ worth of time off and she is damn well going to enjoy it.

…aka why Thanos is a bit of a non-entity in this one. Again, fixits are the name of the game for this AU.

#I got an ask!#replies #Naught replies #By Dawn's Early Light #thinking aloud #My writing #behind the scenes mini fic #in which fixits happen #canon went screwy years back here's my attempt to fix it

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insertdisc5 · 5 years

Text

Yet Another Zelda Roleswap (the masterpost)

✨what's this AU?

Check THIS POST I DID that started it all and also the AU’s tag

✨in this au, the previous legends about the triforce are the same, aka “zeldas are princesses links are heroes and ganon/ganondorf is always the same guy and the big bad”! BUT THIS TIME DESTINY DID AN OOPSIE and ganondorf forgot all about his previous lives while link is the one who remembers them all!!! zelda just wants to travel and read cool legends and didnt expect to be part of one

✨ZELDA STUFF

-trans girl, found the name zelda in very very very old royal records

-she's like 16 or something

-seventh heir to the throne who wants to prove herself, so she goes on an adventure to save the world!!!!

-adventurous and impulsive and naive

-main weapon is bows, she also knows magic and sheikah techniques

-has six siblings who dont really pay attention to her. shes probably the youngest

-her point of view is very black and white at first

-even when she gets in the middle of link and ganon’s story she still doesn’t believe she is The Zelda of legend

-how could she she’s just a zelda, one among many, just a kid playing at being a princess

-(she IS the zelda)

-she gets a bird AND a white horse!!!!

-if she sees a weird cave she WILL go into it

-would probably eat moss if dared

✨LINK STUFF

-genderfluid, uses he/they

-hes in his early twenties

-a man zelda meets during her travels, who seems to know a lot about old legends

-he can see koroks and fairies, who can’t be seen by most people

-gets all his past lives' memories after he gets the master sword, over a period of a day or two

-maybe link does remember his past deaths along with his past lives, but past deaths are maybe more muted…. less like he experienced them and more like someone told him about it. still fucks him up tho

-i feel like he’d be pretty nice and sleepy all the time, until you mention something that has to do with his memories (aka, ganondorf, but also like “oh ive heard some hero in the legends went back to being a kid to save the world or whatever) and he’d get this super serious, focused look… something like that, little things that would make zelda go :^?

-he just really wants to kill ganondorf ya dig

-SO MANY BOSS FORMS probably one per main title (kinda like xant’s battle in TP) (strongest/hardest to fight is majora’s mask link), and final form is definitely some twisted looking fierce deity

-as for his past selves he has all of their memories and its kind of… they’re not him, he’s him, they’re just memories that he has, but when he is very very stressed its “memories become actual personalities for a sec” time. 99% of the time its just him and then ganondorf is there and its like WILL EVERYONE SHUT UP IM TRYING TO MAKE A MURDER HERE

-he’s not controlled by malice or anything because it would feel like a deus ex machina to me

-in the end he doesnt die and he gets redemption because he didnt hurt anyone he just tried to kill ganondorf a few times hes good, and also zelda is his friend and an heir to the throne he’s got immunity. poor guy just needs help processing all those lives and needs a cabin in the woods with some fairies!!!

-re: his past lives, oot link SUPER HATES ganondorf while ww link is more sympathetic. links who havent fought ganondorf are ambivalent about him

-endgame ship is either with ganondorf OR beedle. beedle is the secret ending

-will eat moss

✨GANONDORF STUFF

-he's in his twenties i promise he just has resting old man face

-zelda’s old childhood friend

-doesn’t remember anything about his past lives

-gerudo king, very serious but fairly well loved

-lets not talk about malice it either doesnt exist/this ganondorf doesnt have any/this ganondorf knows how to control it. either way its not gonna affect the story

-”what are you wearing today king” “oh, just whatever” (its not whatever he spent hours finding the day’s outfit)

-found out about his past lives while reading a very very very old book, probably read it and stayed in his room for a week and then promised himself to never ever ever turn out like that

-genuinely a good person

-would never eat moss

✨RELATIONSHIPS STUFF

-zelda and ganondorf actually knew each other as kids! Both being royalty and all. legends do talk about a hero a princess a beast or whatever but don’t use link or ganondorf’s names since it’s been so long- it takes zelda and ganondorf both finding old, old books on their own to be like “AH OOPS”!!! Ganondorf learns about his past lives much earlier than zelda, who finds out during her adventures, and she goes from seeing ganondorf as a dear friend to being like “…but what if he’s really bad though”

they’re old childhood friends, you know, the kind that were best friends before and then grew up and saw each other less often (different kingdoms and all) so they kinda grew apart, and then zelda starting her quest made them reconnect again! Ganondorf is a little older than zelda so he always saw her more as his little sister who just jumps into mud because she totally saw a sword there i promise, and zelda sees ganondorf as her cool older brother who actually pays attention to her, unlike her actual siblings

-when link and zelda meet, zelda’s like “weird dude but probably harmless” and link is like “weird girl but probably harmless” and then she’s like “oh my name is zelda” and link goes “ah just likeWAIT” and he kinda observes her to… gauge her abilities? My Zeldas Were Better kinda thing. i guess during their final battle he’s like “you’re really a zelda, after all” and its bittersweet

the second zelda figures out link is also part of those legends she goes full hero worship mode, which makes link’s fall from grace… really… hard on her. ive been admiring you and wanting to be a hero like you all this time, turns out you’re not a hero and also Not Okay

-re ganondorf and link, after everything that happened uuuh

human brain: it probably takes them both a long while to get used to each other, given that one was almost killed by the other and the other has vivid memories of having their world(s) destroyed by the one, but after a while they probably bond over their shared uuuuh memories i guess. link visits gerudo city once in a while and they catch up and become friends and

lizard brain: after 100k words they DATE

no i wont write how it happens you will NOT make me embarrass myself in front of everyone because i earnestly wrote about how link visits ganondorf every time he’s in gerudo country and at first link just passes by to give ganondorf news about how zelda is faring as queen and news about the world, and as time goes and years go by they start talking about their lives and struggles and just taking walks across the desert together and having sand seal races and everyone in ganondorf’s court is like “so when’s that little voe coming back” and ganondorf is like “i neither know nor care that its been three months since his last visit” and everyone’s like (smirk) “okay” and when has he even started to look forward to link’s visits anyway how did this happen and then link comes back and smiles gently and shows ganondorf this cool rock he found that looks like ganondorf’s face and ganondorf is smitten

takes them both Y E A R S to realize their feelings and then date tho. slow burn or bust

✨WORLD STUFF

-takes place in a time where the games’ adventures are only known as legends where they didnt even write down ganondorf’s and link’s names

-now that im thinking about it it wouldnt happen like THOUSANDS OF YEARS after any game because then ganon and link wouldnt be that worried about their destiny??? so maybe like 100-200 years after a game??? and the ppl writing down the legends were just terrible bookkeepers who couldnt even think write down link and ganon’s name

-(smash voice) EVERYONE IS HERE!!!!!!!! tingle and agitha the bug princess and sidon and especially groose who is uuuuum zelda’s rival who is totally not in love with her

-i think in botw its implied koroks are only seen by people like link and zelda??? so id say only people with uuuuh magical power??? can see them???? so koroks are just doin their thing, playing pranks, helping people without them knowing, and, in the case of makar, playing romantic music around couples

#Yet Another Zelda Roleswap AU #zelda #ref #im gonna put most questions ive answered on private so this tumblr remains pretty much art #but i might as well do a post with all the stuff ive said!!!!#i LOVE your questions and i still have some to answer but i usually put ask tags on private after a few days so #PLEASE SEND ME MORE QUESTIONS IF YOUD LIKE!!!#will update this post as time goes on

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scige-archive · 4 years

Text

welcome 2 my twisted mind ex dee ?

PREFERRED NAME — james uwu

PRONOUNS — she/they

AGE — 20

TIMEZONE — est

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU ONLINE? — everyday all day usually hjfdnkmg

HOW DID YOU HEAR OF WATERSHED? — i actually first found lockwood while going through the recommended blogs on mobile when you search up things via it (i think it was ‘new rp’ tht i searched) n then the next i checked they’d gone ovr to watershed n then there were Other Things bt i didnt end up joining until a few weeks or like a month later impulsively n now its been many months n im still here BJDNSKFMG love u guys

DISCORD — sniff #3644 where im also always online

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — musing @svrgcnts n my pinterest is ‘big tid’ or offbrandsodapop uuuhh i dont think theres anything else!

MYER-BRIGGS — infp turned istp we call tht character growth

HP HOUSE — i honestly dont know anymore ive gotten all of the houses before bt ive just taken a test n i got slytherin so like :///

ZODIAC — aquarius!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — not to the point where it dictates who i like / dislike

DO YOU ENJOY ASTROLOGY? — ya im a slut for when things tell me what im supposed to be like bc i dont have a sense of identity

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — uh like 19 bt ive been rping since i was 10

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — early 2018 so actually i might’ve been 18 for a lil bit DJNKFLG

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — listen i’ve had many, many good experiences bt for some reason what came to mind first was a weird owner/slave smut rp tht i stumbled across (never joined bc im ... not like that) n i was just rly baffled by the concept even tho ik its a Thing bc i thought smut rps died out like in 2017 BJDNFKMG

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — i want a fucking capybara

WHAT PET DO YOU GENUINELY CONSIDER GETTING SOMEDAY? — i want a cat even though im rly allergic to them

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — the apocalypse made me brave by girlfriends

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — um probably like ,,, the crucible ,,,

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — god i dont know i’m not hard to please bt i wont lie i also like ... didn’t finish half the books i was supposed to read in high school. of mice & men maybe ... i hated books that didn’t do much n just wrote a whole bunch of nothing even tho i like those books now ... i think bc they were for school ... outside of school i hated the hazelwood n i think that the grisha trilogy is a bit. weak. bt i love six of crows. n also the um. theres this one YA series tht i never read bt i can tell i dont like NJKSMDFFDG

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — schitt’s creek DSJKNFDGF um i’ve also been watching gossip girl a lot & also asoue & also also i just started watching um end of the f***ing world n its very good so ?? i watched the first episode of his dark materials n i liked it n i havent finished looking for alaska bt its also very good

WHAT FILM DID YOU LAST WATCH? DID YOU LIKE IT? — uuuhh i think it was scream tbh ??? and ya it was p swell

FAVOURITE QUOTE — im a slut for anne carson bt i cant name any quotes directly rn i have rocks for brains

LINK TO A VINE / TIK TOK / VIDEO THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this immediately came to mind

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — i used to write outside of rp bt i havent in ages bt when i do its usually like modern magic / urban fantasy / whatevr those kinda elements n abt faeries bc i like faeries

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL LOVE & TRUST — jenna marbles, micarah tewers, and uh ,,, claire frm bon apetit

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — cary elwes ... andrew scott ... anne hathaway ... first three tht came to mind

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — no bt david dobrik was in miami and i was NOT and im UPSET bc i want his MONEY

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am not in pain. thats it thats all

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — jeffrey epstein was murdered haha jk thats not a conspiracy theory thats FACTS

ARE ALIENS REAL? — ya sure why not

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — lily’s garden please play im level 1241

PLAY ANY OTHER GAMES? WHICH ONES? — i played all the bioshock games n rly enjoyed them ... deponia the entire series which is still my favorite video game 2 this day

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — i never finished my rewatch of the golden compass bt thats just bc i didnt feel like finishing it uuuh ... i dont know i enjoy things too easily

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — buttons n seashells and rocks and flowers until theyre dead and then i collect dead flowers and then empty glass bottles that look kinda cool and jewelry boxes or tin containers and i used to kiss an index card every time i wore lipstick and kept it, i had over 100 filed away for no reason at all bt i lost them & then i also collect condoms :/

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — i wna learn how 2 make jewelry n like ,,, embroidery bt i know how to embroider i just wanna get back into it n i wna learn like. knowledge. academic stuff too bt im also too lazy and im just a dumb old horse so :/

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian n french n ig spanish too

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — shrek ? austin powers ? princess diaries / elle enchanted ?? halloweentown n all the sequels ??

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — shawn spencer frm psych, veronica mars, penelope garcia frm criminal minds, mike myers’ cat in the hat, dr. evil frm austin powers bt also his son scott evil, scooby doo probably, daria ??? i relate to my dog bodhi :/ puddles the clown

IS THERE ANY MEDIA (BOOK/MOVIE/GAME/TV SHOW) YOU FEEL CHANGED YOU IN SOME WAY? — six of crows / fleabag / deponia theyve all made me cry before bt like. continuously cry.

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no.

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — um. redacted

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — big fish directed by tim burton go stare at danny devito’s bare ass do it do it do it i never even finished the movie i dont think BJNSKDMLFG

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? (IF NOT APPLICABLE, WHO DO YOU LIKE MOST IN THE TWILIGHT SERIES) — edward

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — um thts rly hard bc i dont know bt i have a ticket so let me just check ,,, the joker i went n saw the joker

DO YOU STILL READ FOR FUN? — occasionally bt i dont have motivation so

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — n/a BDKFJ

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 5 bt thats just bc im not feeling gr8 today

#wshtask #wshtask001

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shikastemari · 5 years

Text

spy - n. u.

pairing naruto uzumaki x yamanaka!reader

request

word count 4,895

when it happens after Pain destroyed the Village

warnings THE ANGSTIEST SHIT I’VE WRITTEN IN MY LIFE

a/n this is actually one of the first stories i’ve ever thought about. i wrote it months ago but just now i decided to give it a chance and post it and yeah, i gor a little carried away while writing it.

btw i’m witnessing the biggest writer’s block i’ve been through and that’s why i haven’t posted anything lately. hopefully it’ll be gone soon enough and i’ll be back to write as easily as i used to.

masterlist on my profile bio

Naruto Uzumaki.

The first time you heard his name was in one of your missions. You were spying some old guy who was owing bad people money, and you had heard Naruto's story by accident. The guy who defeated the leader of the Akatsuki all by himself, even someone as the legendary Sannin Jiraiya couldn't. During the time, you have heard a lot of girls sigh in desire for the boy, as also heard a lot of man being inspired by him - to become even stronger than people said he was.

So, when you finished your mission, it was no surprise for you someone decided to hire you to dig some dirty on Naruto. You have never accepted a mission on Konoha before, keeping your boundaries up since you know your uncle and his family still lived there, and you would never do anything to hurt your blood. But the offer was too good to decline.

Last time you have seen your uncle and cousin, you were six. Your mother was a foreign and her pregnancy had so many complications. The day you were born, she made a promise, she would take you back to her country, to become a ninja there. Your father, the brother of the Yamanaka clan leader, was madly in love with her and never said a single no at her direction. When the time came, not only he didn't fight against your mother taking you away, as he decided to leave the village himself. Uncle Inoichi helped him, knowing it was the only thing he could do to help his brother achieve happiness, but in the process, your father ended up being labeled as a rogue ninja.

The Bamboo Village was a nice place to live, and your parents were always happy there, even though you missed your old life and family deeply. You had a cousin, who also had the same age as you, so you two had grown up together and she was basically a sister to you. Leaving her behind was the hardest thing you wish you had encountered in your life, but it wasn't.

Your mother died a year after you moved country. Her disease was unknown, the doctors said they couldn't do anything but to ease her pain until the time comes. That was what you and your father did. Took care of her, stood by her side, until she was gone. To these days, you still missed her deeply. As honoring your mother wishes, you and your father didn't go back to Konoha after her death. Instead, your father taught you everything he could about the family jutsus, and it made your heart melt every time he told you how good you could become. Maybe better than him. Or even Uncle Inoichi.

He passed away five years after that, on a battle against the Land of Lightning. Even though you wanted to stay in Bamboo Village, you knew you wouldn't survive there. So that when you started to use your jutsus in espionage. You went city from city, village from village, country from country, learning from the best. The requests came right after. In your line of work, you kept your name hidden. You didn't want to drag the Yamanaka name to the mud, or even give something to your enemy to use as an advantage against you, wishing you could always keep your reminiscent family safe.

So, when your feet took you back to Konoha's, you couldn't help but feel sick. Regret and worry filled your whole body, since you counted with your family accepting you with open arms, but you knew it was a shot in the dark. Since Pain's attack which destroyed the entire village, you didn't exactly know where the Yamanaka clan was staying, so you followed your plan and walked around the village, asking if someone knew where Ino Yamanaka was.

It didn't take long, actually. Apparently, she was a recognized and respected kunoichi and you couldn't stop feeling a little jealous. What would they think about me if I have stayed? The thought flooding your head as you walked towards the place a girl told you Ino would be.

She was sitting on a pile of wood, with seven ninjas surrounding her. They were laughing and talking about how stupid what someone named Rock Lee have done to an old lady. When your eyes laid on her, you felt your heart skipping a beat. She looked exactly like before, the only thing which was different was her hair, it was so long.

A guy with the Byakugan was the first to notice you, which didn't actually surprise you at all. You have heard about what those eyes could do. Looking around them, you could see there was also a girl who could use it. This group look like they would be a pain in your ass if you didn't pay close attention at them.

"Can we help you?" A pink haired girl asked, and your eyes widened for a second. That was Sakura? No way.

As your eyes passed through their faces, you started to recognize some of them. Shikamaru was standing next to Ino, with Choji by his side. You also recognized Kiba, who you remember having an innocent crush on, because of Akamaru, which was huge now. Your heart was literally shrinking inside you by that view, already pondering the pros and cons about ignoring the mission you had been given. But you could not give up now, there was too much involved.

"Staring is creepy, have your family never taught you that?" Ino questioned, her eyes narrowed at you.

You shook your head, smiling. "You would know, Ino-nee-chan, still a bitch, I see?"

Ino's eyes popped up as she gasped, taking her hands to cover her mouth. Everyone else were just shocked by the way you talked to her, but you were sure she recognized you. Once she got up from the wood she was sitting and ran in your direction, giving you one hell of a tight hug, you felt your body relax for the first time in a long time.

"Nee-chan!" she said between the tears, it took every strength in your body not to do the same. It was still a mission, the hardest one you have been to, but still a mission. "I thought I would never see you again!"

"Wait, is that y/n-chan?" Kiba asked out loud. "Holy shit, you got hot!"

Ino and you laughed as Sakura punched the poor guy, sending him meters away from where he originally was standing. So, Sakura had a monstrous strength, just like you heard Tsunade-sama having.

"Daddy will be so happy when he sees you! Where is y/f/n-ojisan? I've missed him so bad too!" she exclaimed.

You swallowed hard, knowing too well there was no way to dodge this moment. "Mhm," you shifted your weight from one leg to the other. "My dad died when I was 12, during a battle."

"Oh," she said, the air getting heavier around you. "And why you haven't contacted us after that, y/n-nee-chan?" she asked, her tone clearly hurt. "We could have helped you."

Another question you predicted. "I tried to honor my mother's wish for as long as I could but..." you trailed off, breathing deeply to keep going. "I just wanted to be with my family again."

She hugged you again, crying her eyes out. Shikamaru came closer and pushed the girl from you.

"Ino, what a drag, let her breathe for a second," Shikamaru eyed you, from head to toe. You remember him being very - very - smart when you were kids. His eyes stopped on your lips, and you noticed his cheek blushing. Pressing your lips together to repress a smile, you couldn't push away the memory of you accidentally kissing him while playing one of Ino's idiot games. It was your first kiss, and probably his too. "Eh, welcome back, y/n-chan," he scratched the back of his head.

"Thank you, Shikamaru-kun," you grinned back at him as you were wrapped in someone's arms.

"Y/N-CHAN, YOU WERE DEEPLY MISSED!" Choji screamed as he hugged you, a little stronger than you wish, the air escaping from your lungs.

"Choji, I can't breat-" you said, but it seemed more like a whisper. Happily, he understood and let you go, being embarrassed.

"Sorry, I jus-" you caught him off guard wrapping your arms around his neck, bringing him closer. He smiled, hugging you back, but this time, not as strong as before.

"Ino-Shika-Cho," you said, looking at the three of them once Choji put you on the ground. "I certainly missed this formation."

"So, who is this girl?" A blond guy said from behind them. His blue eyes were locked on yours and you could see a little bit of distrust there.

"This is y/n, Naruto, Ino's cousin," Sakura answered, walking towards you to embrace you. "Getting on Ino's nerves were never the same after you left."

"Well, we did know how to do it, right?" you smiled at her, but your eyes were still locked on Naruto's. There was your target, right in front of you. You kept talking and catching up with your old friends, as well getting to know the others you didn't. The boy with the Byakugan was called Neji, and the girl Hinata. Apparently, they were cousins. There was also Rock Lee, Tenten and Shino - who you slightly remember running away from when you were little because of his insects.

Ino grabbed your hand, saying you two had to go. The first part of your plan was going good so far, but you couldn't stop feeling like shit the whole time. You knew you had to shake those feelings away, or you wouldn't be able to see your uncle Inoichi. He surely wouldn't trust you at first, and would search for something suspicious as talking. Your father always said he was by far the best Yamanaka shinobi that ever existed.

Well, you were about to prove him wrong.

As expected, Inoichi didn't recognized you. Once Ino said who you were, his eyes almost popped out from his face in shook, it was a good thing for you, strong emotions were used to prejudice the jutsu. He asked you a million questions, and you were honest in all of them, because you were sure he would enter in your head soon or later. Even that he seemed happy to see you, you could see he was holding himself back to ask you to see inside your head, and not because of you, but because of Ino.

So, once she was asleep on her bedroom, you went to find him on the kitchen. You knew he would be expecting the right moment to tell you, and what moment was better than late at night?

"Go ahead," you told him.

He pressed his palm gently against your head as he began to scour your mind. You made sure the first images he was going to see was you playing with Ino as children, you leaving the village with your parents. He also saw your mom dying, how miserable your dad was but his strength and love for you keeping him on track, your trainings - but not all of them -, the days he mentioned and talked about Inoichi and Ino, the times he wanted to give up everything to come back to them but he couldn't because he wanted to honor your mother memories.

Inoichi's jutsu on your head were getting more and more weak, you could literally feel it. Even though he was a master to find others people secret, he could still be manipulated to see what you wanted him to see. You knew all it would take was one more scene and he would be done with it.

So, you showed the day your dad put on his fighting clothes, saying he would be back soon enough and went to the war. You showed him the endless hours expecting for him to come home, as you stood there alone in the dark. The times you heard a noise outside and thought it was him but it was wind or some rotten bamboo which fell on the roof, and then, the time you decided to look for him, going straight to the war field. You showed him as you found your father's body in the middle of the others endless bodies there. How you cried over him, tried what you knew about medic ninjutsu - which it was so little. You literally showed Inoichi how your heart broke that day and he couldn't take it, breaking the jutsu so he could wipe away his own tears.

You remembered something you father told you long time ago.

"Inoichi is the best in searching for information in someone's head," he said during one practice. "But growing up with a brother like that, I had to find out some tricks so I could keep some things as secret from him. I didn't want my brother to know everything about my life."

And just like that you knew, Inoichi could be the best at searching for information, but your father was the best at hiding it. Your life goal was to become even better than your father, and you completely manage to do it.

After that day, Inoichi never tried to get inside your head again, you knew it was too painful for him. So, he took you under his wing, taking care of you just like he used to when you were little. Every day was getting harder to separate your feelings from the mission, as you trained with them, eat with them and everything else. Inoichi even wanted you to become a Konoha's ninja, and he was going to ask the Hokage - who apparently was in a coma - if it was possible.

"So, I heard you are making a huge success in the Village," Ino said one day, after practice. "Naruto and Kiba are fighting to see who is going to ask you out. Today I even caught Shikamaru staring at you a little too long, which by the way, it's kind of shocking. I have seen him showing interest in one girl in my life, and if I am correct, which I am, she really likes him. So, you should stay away from him a bit."

You laughed at her. "Naruto, huh?" you asked, happy because your mission would be easier than you thought. Going out with him would help you to extract information from him without being suspicious.

"So, he is a favorite. I will make sure to tell him that," Ino said, confusing your happiness like you actually wanted to go out with Naruto because you liked him. "He is so popular with girls now, it's kind of weird. Actually, the fact he wants to go out with you is weird too, because he used to like Sakura a lot."

You were grateful you had someone as chatty as Ino as your cousin. She herself had given you tons of infos, in Naruto and the rest of their friends. She was also making everything easier for you, but every time you thought about leaving after finishing your mission, your heart broke into two. She would never forgive you after finding out what you were about to do.

The hang out with Ino's friends were a good part of your day, because it was the only part of the day you let yourself to be the teenager you were supposed to be.

This time, you all went to eat barbecue. During the whole night, you guys laughed and told stories about life, trainings and missions. Stories were by far your favorite things to hear, and those guys have tons of them. But your favorite one by far was when Naruto defeated Nagato - the real Pain. Even you, after a short time, could see how big Naruto's heart was.

At the end of the evening, everyone said goodbye. When Ino said she had to do something with Choji, things got a little suspicious.

"But Naruto will walk you until my house, right, Naruto?" Ino asked him, directly.

"But your house is really far..." He trailed off as Sakura elbowed him, realization hitting him right away.

"I suppose I could go wit-" Kiba got interrupted by a screaming Naruto.

"No way, dattebayo! I will do it, I need to lose all the calories I got from this barbecue anyway. Y/n-chan, do you mind?" His smile was genuine, and you couldn't help but to smile back.

"Not at all, Naruto. I would really appreciate it," you answered in return, making his smile even bigger - if it was possible.

It didn’t take much until you realized Naruto was someone easy to be around. He always tried to mask his insecurities with cocky jokes and wide smiles, and you found to be strangely found of him. Walking side by side, it was almost shocking that the person next to you managed to defeat someone so strong as Pain. You crossed paths with Akatsuki once in a while on your missions, and you knew better than anyone how lucky you were for being alive.

“Y/n-chan, would you like to hang out sometime?” Naruto blurted out, his cheeks tinted with a light pink.

“Isn’t that what we are doing?” You smiled at him, poking his side with your elbow.

“Yes, but I mean, like a date.” He scratched the back of his neck, his eyes focused on the road ahead.

“I would love to.” You shrugged, but inside, your heart was flipping around. The worst part was when you realized it wasn’t because your mission was finally working, but because you wanted to go out with him.

“How about tomorrow?” He questioned, as soon as you arrived at the Yamanaka’s house.

“That would be perfect. Until then.”

Things followed. The first date, the connection between you two was undeniable, but you still tried to keep your mind on the prize. You analyzed every single word that came out of his mouth, but your heart couldn’t stop but beat faster every time he would smile or say something sweet about you.

You accepted his invitation for a second date, a third, a fourth, until Naruto became a constant on your routine. There were days where you would see him more than you would see your own cousin Ino, and you lived with the girl.

For many times, you wanted badly to let it go of this mission and just live. A normal relationship with someone you were crazy about, a nice family who loved you and supported you, loyal friends, out of the chart teachers… It was everything so tempting, but something buried inside your head didn’t make you give up completely for it, so every night, you wrote down on a parchment the new discovers from Naruto and everyone around him.

The last drop of resistance on your body melted the day he asked you to be his girlfriend.

You choked on the ramen you were about to swallow, staring in disbelief at the blond guy sitting across the table, his cheeks tinted by a nice shade of red.

“I know I surprised you, but it would be nice if you said something.” Naruto pointed out, scratching the back of his head, nervously.

A movie played on your head, those ones that you would figure that they passed when you were about to die. Everything you could remember since you left Konoha marked you in a way you would never recover, that for sure, but did that mean you could never find happiness? For the first time, you felt what it was like. For the first time, sorrow and hurt wasn’t the feelings that you went to the whole day through, fighting them to the back of your mind.

Naruto was there, offering everything you have ever wanted, and you had the guts to say yes.

So, you did.

His face lightened as someone had just told him he had won a whole year of free ramen. His happiness was by far the favorite thing you had witnessed in your life, along with the kiss that followed after it. For once, you forgot about your former jobs, your former past and mostly, your former pain.

During months, everything was just fine. Both of you had to deal with some difficulties on your way, but nothing that would damage your relationship. You ended up finding out about Sasuke and how badly Naruto wanted to recover him back, how deep Naruto and Sakura relationship was, strong as a brotherhood. Ino also loved to have you around, and even though you didn’t have a team, InoShikaCho didn’t hesitate to take you under their wings.

One day before the big war, you and Naruto were packing the stuff you would need to take to reunite the Alliance force. He was going through your draws, as you were going through your closet, as you heard his breathing getting faster.

“y/n, what is this?”

You turned to face your boyfriend with your old parchments on his hands. By the looks of it, he had read a couple of them, and the confusion on his face broke your heart as you didn’t know what to say.

Every single day you told yourself you should get rid of those things, but you never remembered. The guy who hired you never went after you because he didn’t even pay you, at first, so he didn’t lose anything by you not doing it.

“Naruto, I can explain.”

“So do it, because from where I’m standing, it seems like a parchment with a lot of private information of mine.” Naruto threw the paper and it ended up in front of your feet.

“You have to understand, Naruto. There were a few things I have done to survive that I am not proud of.” You took a step forward, but Naruto raised his hand as signing for you to stop.

“What you were going to do with those, y/n?” He demanded, his eyes turning red for a second before coming back to the usual blue.

“I was hired to spy on you, that was the motive that made me come back to Konoha.” The tears started to pool on the corner of your eyes. “But that was before. I didn’t give them anything about you. I couldn’t, I love you too much to do it.”

“You came to Konoha decided to betray your own family?” His tone mirrored the despise on his eyes.

“I would never do anything to hurt them.”

“But me, it was okay?”

“You don’t understand, Naruto. Spying was everything I knew before I came to Konoha. I was hurt and alone, needing money to survive. I wanted to honor my mother wishes but I couldn’t.”

“Do you really think I don’t understand the concept of being alone?” He hissed, turning his gaze away from your face. “I’ve been alone for the most part of my life, y/n. I grew up with people running away from me out of fear and you came here to tell me that I simply don’t understand? What is there to understand now?”

“That I’m crazy about you. You changed me, made me see things in a point of view I didn’t even know it was possible. You were gentle, kind and I believe you can change the whole world just by being in it, Naruto. I am sorry that I didn’t come here with the best intentions, but I am a totally different person from before.”

“I think we should take a break.”

“A break? We are going to a war tomorrow!”

“It’ll be better for both of us if we are focused on the battle ahead. We’ll talk when we are back.”

“Except that you can’t be sure that both of us are coming back alive.”

That hit him, hard. You noticed how shallow his breath became, how he had to swallow hard before opening his mouth again. “Come back alive.” He said, for last, before leaving you on the empty room.

The next few days, you had barely seen Naruto. He didn’t tell anyone about your former plans, which just made harder to explain people why you two weren’t together anymore. You ended up being designed to the same battalion as your cousin and her team. Even though you knew it was a war to protect Naruto and the bijuu inside him, every second of your day was filled with worried by him, and the constant lack of news was even worse than the nonstop fighting.

After finishing the coast, your whole group were designed to assist Naruto on his battle. Of course, you were the one running as faster as you can, so you could reach him faster. No words were needed in this case, all you want were to lay your eyes on him to make sure he was alive.

The moment your heart skipped a beat was exactly when he entered on your sight. The blond guy that you loved with all your body cells was standing there, he seemed hurt and tired, but not even as near to give up. That being the trait which you loved the most on him.

The whole battle was a long one and the adrenaline never stopped running through people’s vein, yours mostly. When Naruto decided to divide his nine tail chakra with everyone, was the first time he realized you were there. He hesitated before touching your hand, and you pressed your lips into a thin line when he jerked back to keep a whine that threatened to escape from your lips inside.

Before moving to the next person, he shot you a sad grin. “I’m glad you alive.”

As fast as he came, he disappeared on the crowd. You didn’t even have the chance to check if it was a shadow clone, just his dust from the run near you now. Despite it, it seemed you couldn’t look away. Following Naruto and paying attention to his surroundings was basically your task. So, the moment you saw one of the ten tailed monsters going straight at his direction, you didn’t think twice before jumping in between them, avoiding Naruto to get a hit on his back.

But you got the hit right below your chest, taking away all the air from your lungs.

Naruto just was fast enough to end the creature as you fell against the cold ground. You fell the warm blood spreading through all your clothes, your conscience slightly fading away.

As soon as Naruto reached you, the tears were already pooling in the corner of his eyes. “No, no, no. Stay with me, y/n. I told you not to die, damn it.” He looked around, looking for someone. “SAKURA, HELP ME.” He screamed, his voice cracking at the end.

“Naruto, it’s okay. You’re okay. That’s what matters.” You managed to say and honestly, you wanted to speak even more, but the pain running through your body was unbearable, every breath feeling like someone was stabbing you.

“SAKURA! WHERE IS SHE?” Naruto yelled at someone near, you couldn’t see who it was. “Do you know anything about medic ninjutsu? Can you help me?”

Someone bent near to your body, sobbing. “You stupid! What did you do?”

A weak smile crossed your lips, in relief. “You should be used by now, cousin. I’ll always protect those I love.”

A green chakra was leaking from her hands, pressed on your wound. But it wouldn’t work. You could feel your organs shutting down, one at time.

“Ino, talk to me.” Naruto hissed.

“I can’t, the damage, I can’t.” The blond said, crying.

“It’s okay. Both pay attention at me. Ino, thank you for everything.” You managed to say, but she cut you off.

“I just lost my father, please. Please. I can’t lose you too!” She leaned in over your body, and you had to cough a little. A warm feeling appeared running down your cheek and you weren’t sure if it was blood or tears.

“Ino.” You said a little bit stronger. “Take care of yourself, and the boys too. They need you. I love you, sister.”

“I love you!” She yelled, before Shikamaru pulled her back from your body.

A small part of you still wanted to laugh, they were still on a battlefield on a fucking war and here they were, acting like they had all the time in the world.

“Naruto.” You used the last strength on your body to look at him. “Hi baby.”

He was crying silently; his hand was holding yours so strongly and you didn’t even feel it. “Please.”

“I am sorry for not staying alive. Don’t you ever forget how much I loved you. Thank you for teaching me what love really meant.” You swallowed hard. “Take care of Ino for me, and please, stay alive.”

“I will. I love you too. I love you so much.” He hugged your body and you noticed the pain was smaller, as almost not existent. You smiled to the sky and closed your eyes, just waiting. Far from there, the sound of a someone crying harder reached your ears, and then, everything went black.

#naruto #naruto fic #naruto fanfic #naruto oneshot #naruto imagine #naruto uzumaki #naruto uzumaki imagines #naruto uzumaki oneshot #naruto uzumaki imagine #naruto x reader #naruto uzumaki x reader #naruto uzumaki and reader #naruto x ooc #naruto x s/o #naruto angst #naruto fluff #naruto uzumaki angst

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imagining-sio · 5 years

Text

Escapism IV

Rising Tides

“You’re a vet?” I asked as I took off my helmet. We had just arrived in his driveway from the trip back to the auto-shop, which I was beginning to suspect was merely a ploy to get me to interact with him more.

“Yeah, 107th, where I met Wilson.” He hooked the bottom of his helmet on the handlebar of the Matt black cafe racer.

“And Steve?” I asked again.

“Nah, that pain in ass has stuck with me since we were kids,” he chuckled run his hand through his hair.

“What position were you?” I inquired whilst we strolled down to my inhabitance. His grip tighten on the small box, and he moved his other hand into his pocket.

“I was a scout sniper,” I watched as his chiseled jaw clenched tightly.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, you know?” I told him, setting my hand upon his arm. He stopped as I walked up to the bronco, propping up the hood again. I looked back at him, and he had an odd expression on his face. He looked as if he was contemplating on actually telling me. He stood unmoving, unflinching, yet his expression travel as if it were a million miles a minute. And just like that, the walls went up; and the charming smile came back.

“Yeah, but I don’t wanna dampen your sunny mood.” He nudged me.

“Yes, because I have such a bright disposition around you.” I deadpanned, eyebrows raised. I crossed my arms over my chest, rubbing my arms.

As I did, a weight fell upon my shoulders. I peered over to find Barnes had placed his jacket on me. It would seem it wasn’t up for a debate let alone a conversation as he went right to work, as if it was completely normal.

“Uh, Bucky?” I asked.

“You looked cold, so hang on to it while I get this in.” He took on a serious more mature tone. He was headfirst into the engine, his tattooed limb about halfway down in the machine. He was in his work mode, and I knew that he wasn’t coming out of it until he was done.

Doesn’t mean I couldn’t have fun with it.

“So Barnes? Who was she?”

“Rumlow’s ex-girlfriend.” He answered, pulling the malfunctioning device out.

“Are you telling me all this fighting between you two has been over a girl?” I scoffed, pulling the jacket on through the sleeves.

“Ha! He wished, then it would make me look like the asshole of the community,” he laughed, unscrewing the wires where it was connected; “They broke up six months ago and she’s been trying to get back at him by flirting with me. Though she keeps saying that he’s had some new interest in someone new in town. Care to guess who that is?” He looked straight me, clearly aware of the game I was playing. I paled, making a disgusted face.

“If he has interest in me, I’m afraid it’s not your concern,” I gave him an expectant expression. I watched with satisfaction as he clenched his jaw and continued working.

“Well, if he tries anything; lemme know.”

“And what qualifies and ‘trying’.”

“You know, anything that makes you uncomfortable.”

“What if you make me uncomfortable.” I smiled as I asked. To which my neighbor promptly shot up, banging his head upon the underside of the hood. I started cackling so hard I doubled over.

“That’s not funny.” He rubbed the top of his head.

“You’re right; it hilarious!” I held my stomach with one arm, pointing at him and laughing even more.

“You’ve been spending too much time with Wilson,” he grumbled, turning back to the project at hand. i had to force myself to stifle the copius amount of giggling from my lips, opting to merely hold my hand in front of my mouth.

“You haven’t been spending enough time with Wilson,” I raised a brow. he glared at me, before his expression changed again. It softened as he held my gaze.

“You’re smiling.” he stated blankly.

“Yeah, I can do that Barnes,” I chuckled, a slight tin of pink oainting my cheeks.

“It nice.” he responded; “I haven’t really been able to see it until now.”

“T-thank you.”

“The jacket makes you look lke a scrawny kid,” he gestured to all of me. Finally completing the operation, he slammed the hood shut.

“Gee thanks,” I deadpanned, though the smile upon my face had a different view.

“No really its cute,” he chuckled, ducking nhis head down and shaking his head. We both started laughing together, trying to get each other to stop before bursting into giggles as soon as we looked at each other.

My phone going off broke us out of the endless cycle. I dug the rectangle out of my pocket, seeing the contact on my screen, paling at the name.

“One second, I gotta take this.” I said solemly, clearing my throat as I walked to the end of my own driveway. I took a deep breath before my thumb hit the green button on the right side.

“Hello,” I said into the device.

“Hey, this is Detective Danvers, not sure if you remember me but I gave you my number before you left town.” The voice explained.

“No I do, I didn’t expect to hear from you so soon.”

“It’s been almost a whole year,” she stated; “We’ve made progress. We have enough to indite him on charges.”

“Why do I hear a ‘but’ at the end of that sentence,” I sighed, looking down at my feet.

“You will have to testify for us if we want to go ahead on the charges.” she sighed as well, I could hear the faint sound of bustling noise in the background of the audio.

“Look I’m not here for a direct answer right now, we havent brought the case to the DA yet. but I just wanted to let you know before we offically come across the country to ask you. I want to give you time to think about it, you can call me when you made your decision anytime, I know how hard it is for you.”

“Thank you detective.” I said; “I appreciate it.”

“So hows life in the middle of nowhere.” she asked. I snorted through my nose, a fond smile appearing on my lips.

“Not terrible.”

“That’s great! OH- I gotta jet kid, take care,” she ended the call before I could say a word. I placed the phone back in my pocket. I inhaled a deep breath, the weight I commonly felt somehow appeared back upon my shoulders. I could never escape it, I honestly don’t know why I would bother to try sometimes.

“Who was it?” my neighbor strode into my peripheral vision.

“No one important,” I started shrugging the jacket off, folding it over my arm.

“Lemme buy you lunch,” he stated, declining my extended offering of his jacket.

“Wait, I should be paying you for what you just did,” I protested.

“How many times do we have to go over this, it’s on the house,” He laughed, returning to his driveway.

“I’m buying then!” I yelled across the street.

“Like hell you are!” he shouted from his garage, although I could not see him.

“Really? Got a problem with a woman paying for you?” I tried inciting him, only to have the hum of the motorcycle echoing through the street. I watched as Steve, Thor, and Clint pulled up on their respective motorcycles. Steve barely kicked the stand out before he hopped off and ran toward the garage where Bucky was pullign out the bike.

I trotted across the street, my cocern amplifying with each step.

“What’s wrong?” I asked the large bearded man.

“WHAT!” Bucky shouted from the garage.

“There’s a problem at the Witch’s Covent,” Clint said simply, a tight expression on his face.

“What happened?” I pressed them, but they didn’t have time to answer as my neighbor was storming out of the garage with his motorcycle in tow.

“What’s going on!” I asked, my tone sounde slightly frantic. Steve approached his bike, starpping his helmet on.

“No time to explain,” was all the blonde said as he sat on his bike, making me back away a few steps. I locked eyes with my neighbor as he revved the engine of his vehicle. I could only back into his driveway as they all drove out of sight in mere seconds. The cold breeze a stark reminder of the loneliness that becme oh so present. The only thing I had to cling to was his leather jacket.

In the coming days, they became more and more solemn in nature. No one came into work to order coffee. I was too busy to try and see what was going on at the shop. Enda and Thomas only said that something had happened at the Witch’s Covent. No one was saying anything, it was getting aggravating at this point.

It was either I had to accept I would’nt find out or I had to start finding out for myself.

I stared out the window, gazing at the sunset of my backyard, the lake was still as the sun glistened over its surface. Everything was still, secure, stable. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I missed my neighbor. I missed him greatly.

I chuckled at the thought of how he would respond to me admitting it. He’d probably make it his ringtone, constantly replaying it over and over at my expence. To my own dismay, I wouldn;t be objected if he did. Annoyed maybe, but in a sentimental way.

I couldnt take it anymore, I had to find out if he was ok. I grabbed his jacket, to which I had been wearing a lot more often than one should; especially when they accidentally stole the item that doesn’t belong to them. I snatched my keys off of the counter, making sure I had a few twenties in cash before I hopped into the newly revived Oliver.

The turning of his engine had never sounded better. It was refreshing to not have to worry about his health since Bucky had fixed his temporary illness. I backed out of the driveway, shifting the gear to drive down the road.

It wasn’t hard to find the place, Edna was right in that I drove by it coming home from work. The place looked like every biker bar would, given the fact that a line of motorcycles were placed out in the parking lot alongside the byway. I pulled into the dirt lot, careful to give enough room from the line of motorcycles. The last thing I wanted to do as anger anyone of the owners, even if I knew them or not. There were some cars strewn in the lot, but not many.

I took the jacket off, setting it in the passenger seat before I hopped out of the driver’s side. I adjusted the grey sweatshirt over my ripped black pants. I strode toward the entrave with a purpose, the dirt chrunching beneath my bright red sneakers. the wooden board creaked as I ascended the steps, the distorted music growing louder. I could easily recognise the sound of glasses slamming to a wooden surface. The rattle of balls breaking over a felt surface. The melodic sounds of laughter and light. A classic dive bar full of locals who had gone there for years.

Upon entering, it only confirmed my suspicions. They were all there, everyone from the auto-shop, wether they were seated at the one large booth in the corner, or playing pool, even throwing darts. They hadn’t noticed me by the looks of it, though the woman behind the bar had looked up from the mug she was cleaning.

“Welcome to the Witch’s Covent, I don’t think I’ve seen you before,” her accent was eastern European from the soudns of it; although not as thick as most. I’ve heard Natasha talking to her mother over the phone and that woman’s words are indecipherable even when she is speaking english.

“I new around here; even though its been quite a while since I’ve been here.” I shrugged.

“So you’re the one I’ve been hearing so much about.” she lit up like a light bulb. Her long brown hair bouncing slightly at the movement.

“Whose been talking about me?” I could chuckle awkwardly in response.

“Oh please, the whole town has been a buzz. Ever since you stood up to Rumlow, no one has been able to get enough.”

“Are you sure it’s not from those idiots,” I gestured to Sam and Scott trying to play pool while giggling like drunken school kids.

“Actually it’s you neighbor who won’t shut up about you.” She slid out glass, preparing to pour a dark liquid in its contents.

“I’ll have whiskey if you don’t mind,” I said before a drop cold pour out. She tilted her head back, eyeing me with a smile.

“I see why he likes you,” she said with a sly smile as she went to grab a bottle of whiskey.

“Wait, he likes me?” I snorted.

“Given from what his friends tell me; yes he does. I heard he let you ride with him last week.” she poured the desired drink. I gratefully took in in my hands, tracing my thumb over the rim.

“I did, though he didn’t really give me much choice.” I nodded my head to the side; “When we got there Steve looked paler than a ghost.”

“That’s because Bucky never lets anyone on his bike.” she said, returning to her taks of cleaning the glasses. My head shot up, eyes wide.

“Really, cause he doesn’t have a car.”

“No he does. He never uses it though.” she chided.

“It’s not in his garage.”

“No, he keeps it in his backyard. One of his continous projects.”

“You know him?”

“Everyone here pretty much grew up together. We’ve all known each ohter since we were kids. The only acceptions are Sam, Scott, and Thor. Sam was in Bucky’s squad. Scott moved here to be closer to his daughter, and Thor? Well, no one really knows with him.” She shrugged.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but did anything happen last week?”

“Its a roadside bar, you will have to be more specific,” Wanda gave me a mischevious look.

“Look, after Bucky fixed my truck; Steve and the others pulled up. All I got out of them was that there was a problem over here.” I gaged her reaction, watching as she stopped cleaning the glass in her hand.

“There was a fight,” she shrugged, “One of Brock’s buddies sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong.” she set the glass back with its companions.

“Is that all you’re going to tell me,” I sighed, knowing she was still hiding quite a bit.

“It’s best if they tell you yourself,” she smiled, going back to some other customers who sat at the bar. I recognized one of them from when Brock tried to intimidate me back at the coffee shop. I gave him a hard glare before sipping on my whiskey.

“Well, well, if it isn’t the mysterious new girl,” Speak of the devil. Mr. Local pulled up a stool on the other side of me, effectively blocking me from moving away from his croney.

“Rumlow,” I heard Wanda ground her teeth, “You know the rules. This is neutral territory.” she said sternly.

“I know, Salem, calm down. I’m here to have some fun.” he slung his arm over the back of my stool, causing to move awkwardly in order to avoid it.

“That remains to be seen,” she poured a low grade beer for the man and slammed it down on the counter infront of him.

“How’s your brother? Do you still use a oiuja board to talk to him?” He arched a brow as he brought the mug up to his lips. I exchanging glances between the two, watching as Wanda’s nostrils flared up before she walked away, muttering something in her native tongue under her breathe.

I could only hunch my shoulders, keeping a firm grip on my glass of whiskey, carefully eying either man beside me.

“So, not so defiant out in public are you. What’s on your mind sweetheart,” Rumlow asked, his voicemaking my skin crawl.

“Wether or not I should punch you into next week.” I sipped my whiskey, my gaze burning into the shelves of alcohol before me.

I heard the door open, well, slam was more like it. The light casting my shadow over the numerous bottles. I looked over my shoulder, finding my neighbor heaving for air as his hand was upon the door.

“So, you got the message I take it,” Rumlow swivled around in his chair, a smug expression on his features. I looked over my shoulder again, utterly terrified at the murderous glare my neighbor sent him.

“You got some fucking nerve Brock. If you wanted your ass kicked you sure got one,” Barnes began marching toward him. The burly man on my left, the croney, stood up ubruptly, his chair falling to the floor with a loud thud. As a couter, everyone from the shop stood up, their chairs schreeching loudly.

“Ah, ah- this is neutral territory, Barnes.” Rumlow scolded the man mockingly. The arm across the back of my stool suddenly pulled hard. Yanking me around to face my neighbor.

“Wouldn’t wanna ruin the neighborhood now would we?” Rumlow asked. I could only stare wide eyed at my neighbor as his nostrils flared.

“She has no part in this Rumlow, leave her alone.” Steve said from behind his friend.

“Oh, really? Last I checked Rogers, your hand ain’t up his ass so stop speaking for him.”

I watched as the two men glared at each other. The tension was like gasoline, itching for a match. Any reason to fight was a good reason, no matter how stupid it was in concept. I was not about to be that cause.

I smacked Rumlow’s hand off my shoulder, standing up from my chair. I paid Wanda for the drink, even though she said it was on the house.

“You won’t mind if I do something stupid would you?” I whispered to her.

“Please do,” She smiled, as if she already knew what I was about to do. I smiled, with my hand still on the glass. I looked to the side, seeing that Rumlow was still glaring at Barnes.

“Hey Rumlow,” I called him, making the man turn around. I threw the whiskey directly at his face, watching in satisfaction as fell out of his chair in pain.

“You fucking bitch!” He writhed on the floor, flailing as he tried to get the alcohol out of his eyes.

“I’ve had enough of this,” I muttered, brushing past my neighbor, delibrately ignoring the look he was giving me. I walked out the door, grumbling as I went toward my vehicle.

“Hey, Y/N! Wait up!” I heard my neighbor call after me.

“Oh, so now you wanna talk to me!” I said, not bothering to turn around as I continued toward Oliver.

“Hey, hey, hey,” His footsteps grew louder and I felt his hand grasp my arm. I yanked myself out of my grip, finally turning to face him.

Why the hell did this man have to be so good looking.

“What!” I said, the anger boiling throuhgh my veins.

“What do you want, Bucky! One minute you are being all nice and neighborly, and the next you don’t even give me the time of day. I don’t care how you and Rumlow started fighting, I really don’t. But don’t drag me into your bullshit!” I ferociously poked my finger into his chest to annunciate my point.

I was snapped out of my reverie when his iron clad grip encomassed my wrist. The dull pain from loss of circulation was growing, sure to leave a bruise tomorrow morning. His expression was turning dark, and he had yet to say a word.

“Barnes, let me go.” I said, desperately trying to keep all of the memories from flooding through my head.

“No,” he said; “You need to listen to me.”

“Let. Me. Go.” I tried to pry out of his grip, but to no avail. He trudged through the heavy wind back toward the bar. I dug my heels into the earth, creating evident drag marks in the gravel lot.

“Bucky,” my tone turned desperate as he slung me around him. My back hitting the wall of the building that was cast in shadow.

“No! You listen to me.” His palms slammed on either side of my head; “Brock is dangerous, I don’t like his interest in you, and you need to stay away from him. I know you don’t like being told what to do, but for once in your stubborn life; just do this one thing.”

“What happened last week.” It was more of a statement than a question.

“He was here when I got there; bragging about how he had you wrapped around his finger. He was very explicit on what he wanted to do to you.” he ducked his head down, the light showcasing the faint yellow and greens of his bruised chin.

“I don’t care, you were with me the whole day practically. Why the hell were you marching off to war with him that day.”

“He was rubbing salt on an open wound.”

“Bucky,” my hands cupped his chin, guiding his line of sight back to me; “You don’t have to talk about it.”

His bright blue eyes locked with my own. They glistening in the fading sunlight. He released a sigh through his nostrils, his gaze still turned downwards to his feet.

“Well aren’t you two sweet.” Sam’s voice made both of us jolt. Bucky clamored away from me, his chest heaving.

“We tossed Rumlow out, by the way. Not sure if you saw it while you were lost in each other.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Any reason why you wanted to tell us?” Bucky grumbled, hands upon his hips. Sam shrugged in response.

“Not at all, just nice to get the jump on you for a change.”

“You’re a dick.”

“So are you.”

“I’m gonna head home,” I decided to make my exit. I walked toward Oliver, pulling out Bucky’s jacket. Even a few feet away I could still here the two bickering.

“Shut up Samuel!”

“You first James!”

Thankfully, my footsteps caused the two to cease as I walked toward them. As soon as Wilson saw what I had in my hand, he smirked at Bucky.

“I hadn’t had the chance to give this back to you.” I handed the leather item to Barnes, who only gazed at me earnestly.

“T-thanks,” was all he could muster.

“I’ll see you round,” I hugged Sam goodbye. I turned back to my neighbor, giving him a small peck on his bruise. I pulled back to find him wide eyed and turning red as a tomato.

I smiled as I walked backwards, “See you around, neighbor.” I waved, getting into my vehicle.

#Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes x reader #biker!bucky #biker!au #james buchanan barnes #oof #sio #marvel imagines #I'm seeing endgame friday OOF #marvel x reader #whee #I'm alive #escapism IV

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The car trunk sounds too final to Elijah's ears as he closes it, the last of his bags tucked in haphazard amongst his books, music. Sean stands nearby, shifting his weight from foot to foot. He's followed Elijah around like a lost puppy all night, and now that Elijah's packed, seems at a loss.

"I'm sorry--"

Elijah holds up a hand, shakes his head. "Spare me the bullshit, all right? Just..." He looks around the parking lot, at the apartment he couldn't've afforded if it weren't for Sean's income, anywhere but at Sean. "You had plenty of chances to show you gave a shit about me."

A time in the past, Elijah doesn't doubt Sean did care; you don't spend this long with someone, six years of your life, without getting a little attached. Just... he has a shitty way of showing it, and Elijah's really not interested in hearing scripted apologies from a guy that's been cheating on him for the better part of a year.

"I'll be in touch for the rest of my things."

And that's that. Sean doesn't look upset; just... resigned. Like he's been waiting for this.

Fucker. Rage boils under his skin, and Elijah grips his keys in hand. Steps to the driver's door, wrenches it open, and, as Sean says, "Elijah--", his voice edged with desperation, slams the door behind him.

The drive home is a good fifteen hours, but Elijah straight shots it, running on iced coffee and espresso shots from gas stations. His bank account's barely prepared for the trip, and for the last stretch of a hundred miles he watches his gas gauge with anxiety gnawing at a pot in his stomach, but when Elijah sees the rusted EASTHALLOW, POPULATION: 203 sign swinging from it's pole off the road, tension ebbs from his every nerve.

Fog, thick and mystical, covers the entire town, and the chill to the air has him turning up his heat for the first time all trip. Trees have already shed their leaves for the season, and the place looks entirely too fucking barren. He thinks about the bustling city he just came from, the constant chatter and noise, but if he opened his window right now, he's certain the engine of his car would be the only sound for miles.

Peaceful. Fuck, Elijah didn't know he'd missed it this much. His chest feels tight, his throat dry, as he drives through the city towards his parent's home.

The farm hasn't changed, besides a fresh coat of off-white paint and a few new shrubs lining the wrap around porch. The roof needs work, some of the shutters flap in the wind, but it's home. Sturdy and stable and standing, and Elijah, suddenly exhausted, shuts his car off, rubs his hands against his face, and just... is.

Thoughts and memories of the last six years surface in Elijah's head. How many times did he call his parents to tell them he couldn't come home for the holidays? How many times did he put Sean before his family, and for what? For Sean to bring some twink home and throw it all away, proving everyone in Elijah's life right that Sean never was going to settle down.

He pounds his fist on the wheel, honking the horn in passing, and sighs when he sees his mother standing out on the porch, no hesitation.

She waves, tugs her robe tighter around her, and rushes out across the muddied grass to his car. She bounces on her heels while he unbuckles, and launches herself into his arms, her embrace tight and loving, once he stands.

The air crushed from his lungs makes him grunt, but he says nothing, just reaches around his mother's shoulders for a hug, resting his head on top of hers.

He'd missed her. So much. "Hi, Mama," he says.

Amanda's voice is tight when she says, "Don't 'Hi, Mama,' me, Elijah Andrew. You haven't been home in five years, and you show up out of the blue like this..." She pulls back. Her eyes water as she takes him in. "Oh, you're too thin. Have you even been eating? What's city life done to you?"

Elijah offers a tight smile. "Been busy. I'm sorry I haven't been home sooner."

With a smack to his arm, she says, "That's right. You're gonna make it up to me, too." Then, she peers around him, into the car, and raises an eyebrow. Elijah's heart speeds up in his chest. "And the boy?"

He knew he'd have to tell her when he got here, but... shit, he'd rather not. The longer he can avoid the pity, the better. "About that..."

But before he can continue, movement out of the corner of his eye catches his attention. He grips his mother's arm in hand and tugs her close, starts to say, "Someone's over there," because he doesn't recognize them--not his father, not one of the farmhands--when his mother gives a little wave to the figure limping around the side of the house.

"Josh," she says, calling to the figure, and Elijah's not sure if he feels too hot with rage or too cold with dread, "come say hello!"

"Mama," he says, under his breath as Josh makes his way across the yard, "you didn't tell me Josh was here."

Raising an eyebrow, Amanda says, "And you didn't tell me you were coming home. Don't play games with me. I'm your mother. I'll always win."

While the rest of the town stayed the same, Josh is nothing like Elijah remembers. He's changed his hair, a bright, platinum blond so unlike the black hair of his parents. His eyes are bruised, his face gaunt. His jacket looks like it went twelve rounds with a box cutter, and Josh is, inexplicably, taller. How is he taller?

Still, he steps forward, into Elijah's space, and rests a hand on Elijah's shoulder, grips him tight, and Elijah wants nothing more than to jerk out of his grasp and punch him.

A crow caws in the distance, and Josh offers a smile--not enough and too late and Elijah shakes under the weight, the expectation of it--and Josh says, "Welcome home, bro."

///

“Is it broken?” Josh asks, his voice thick and nasally, as Amanda pokes and prods at his nose. Blood oozes down the front of his shirt.

Behind them, Elijah opens the freezer, digs out a bag of peas, and rests it against his knuckles. Amanda scowls at him.

“What a nice fucking way to greet your brother,” Josh says. “Haven’t seen you in ten years. Least you could do is not punch me in the face.”

Still, Elijah says nothing. Flexes his fingers under the peas, shaking, and exhales with relief. Not broken. It’s been a while since he last decked someone. He definitely made some fucking mistakes. “Rich, coming from you.”

“Will you two stop it?”

Josh points Elijah’s way, then says, his voice taking on an amusing whine as he says, “He started it!”

Opening his mouth to retort, Elijah pauses as he hears the back screen door creak open. “Thought I heard yelling,” someone says, and—

Oh. Elijah drops his gaze to the floor, because—he’d meant to call his father. Text him, something. But the farther west he got, the more anxiety that pooled in his stomach at the idea of his father’s disappointed gaze.

Elijah’s not good with disappointment.

“Get into another fight with a bull, Josh?” his father asks; he still hasn’t noticed Elijah, leaning against the counter next to the fridge, shrinking in on himself. Amanda, at least, called. Elijah hasn’t spoken to his father since the day he left.

Josh scoffs. “Yeah fucking right,” and silence falls over the room. Elijah’s heart thumps in his throat, his ears, and he lifts his gaze, looks right into his father’s eyes.

“I’ll be damned,” Allan says, his voice soft as he shrugs his jacket off at the dining table. “Elijah."

His mouth opens on an apology, but Allan steps forward, with such intensity that Elijah'd back up, if he had anywhere to go. His tongue trips on words he should've said years ago, his fingers twitch, and he can see Josh and Amanda watching with wide eyes. Allan isn't scary, and there's no reason to be, but Elijah still shakes in his sneakers like he's bracing for impact.

But when Allan touches him, it's not with a fist, how Elijah had greeted his estranged brother, but with arms around his shoulders. Allan holds him tighter than Amanda had, and the bag of peas clatter to the floor as Elijah reaches up to grab at his father's overshirt.

Behind them, Josh mutters, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Dad welcomes him home with open arms?"

"You came home sick with withdrawal, Joshua," Amanda says, finally stepping back from her son. Quiet, Allan pulls away, wipes his eyes with the careful practice of a man who cries, and tries not to show it, and claps a hand on Elijah's shoulder before stepping back to the entry way to take his boots off.

He can't know, but Elijah's not convinced he doesn't know, somehow. Why he's here. Why he didn't call.

While Amanda and Josh argue, Elijah pocks the peas up and sets them back in the freezer, and heads upstairs.

His room sits at the end of the hall--or it did, when he left for the city. The floorboards creak under his feet, and the joints in his hand protest as he carries his bag, but he goes through, admiring the photographs on the wall as he goes. The year his soccer team made it to semi-finals. The year he and Josh were in boy scouts. Josh and his junior prom date.

They still looked identical, then, before Josh hit heroin hard, before he got his girlfriend pregnant and skipped town. Before he started bleaching his hair, before the piercings and the scars from tattoos and laser removal. Before rehab, and relapse.

The years have been kinder to Elijah that they've been to Josh. Elijah might've worked ten hour shifts on his feet four nights a week, but stress found ways to gain weight where being a druggie turned Josh into skin and bones.

He rubs his forehead. Things used to be so much fucking easier.

"Walk down memory lane?" Josh says, grinning, as he meets Elijah at the end of the hallway. A nice, purple bruise grows on the bridge of his nose. Pride swells in Elijah's chest, seeing his handiwork. Another punch might break it. Elijah's got the muscle memory for it fresh in his mind, now.

"Fuck off," Elijah says, his voice more tired than he'd intended. If luck sides with him, Allan will save grilling him for tomorrow morning, and Elijah can spend the night tossing and turning, anxious about it.

"You don't have to be so mean," Josh says.

Elijah pushes past him, into his bedroom, and...

It's different. Not entirely, but his once overly-large room has been crammed to one side, his twin bed sitting against one wall, his desk at the end of it. Across the room, under the window, there's another bed. Messy, clothes piled on it from the closet, and--

"No." Elijah's voice goes hard, edged with anger. He just wants to sleep, and if Josh is doing fuck all across the room, there's no way he'll get any rest. He'd rather sleep in his car. "No fucking way."

"Come on, bro," Josh says, but his eyes are twinkling. Bastard knows just how to get under Elijah's skin. "It'll be just like old times. We can stay up all night watching horror movies and eating junk food!"

Elijah rubs his free hand over his face. Contemplates actually sleeping in his car, just for a second, before his neck starts to ache. Sharing his childhood room with his twin--honestly. "I'll sleep on the couch."

"You wanna explain that to mom?"

"Mom already knows we hate each other," Elijah says, surprised to see the quick flinch that passes Josh's face. "Would she really be so surprised to hear I can't stand to look at you, much less sleep in the same room?"

A beat passes, and Elijah knows he should apologize, but Josh shrugs and backs into his room. "Fine, little brother," he says, and oh, fuck him. "Sleep well."

The lock clicks into place as he shuts the door, and Elijah means to make his way back downstairs when a chill runs down his arms, either side. A quick glance at the window shows it's open, but--

There's... something out there. Elijah squints down at it, opens his mouth and takes a deep breath. He means to call for his father, let him know one of the cattle got loose, when he looks closer, and--

It's not cattle. It's not--hell, Elijah doesn't know what it is. He blinks his eyes a few times, watching the black figure make its way across the yard, slow, slow step by slow step. It pauses, about halfway to the treeline, and peers around the yard, but Elijah ducks back into the shadows to watch, and it continues on its way in short, jerky, inhuman movements towards the trees. Twice the size of a human, hunched over, and Elijah can't make out features, not well, but...

What the fuck? He blinks, once, twice, three times. Closes his eyes tight and opens them and--oh.

It's gone. No trace of it. Elijah turns the crank on the window, presses his ear to the screen, but... not a sound. Just the wind rustling leaves across the ground.

A chill spreads across Elijah's back. He's exhausted. He's got seventeen hours of car on him, and ten hours of packing before then, interspersed with arguing with Sean, and..

"Shut the window, Elijah, what're you thinking?"

Amanda stands at the top of the stairs, her head cocked to the side. Elijah closes and locks the crank, clearing his throat.

"Sorry, just..." He makes a vague gesture. How does he even begin to explain what he saw? "Thought I saw one of the cows wandering the yard."

Scowling, Amanda starts to head back downstairs. "I told your father he needed to repair that fence. We'll go out and check on it, make sure. You just get some rest."

Elijah's arm shoots out, though, and grabs her wrist. She raises her eyebrows and says, "Elijah, what has gotten into you?"

"Sorry, Mama," he says, and turns back to the window. Still clear. "Just... my eyes playing tricks on me, is all."

"You sure you don't want Dad to check?"

Elijah shakes his head. No. Fuck no. Assuming, for a second, that thing was real, Elijah doesn't want his father anywhere near it.

His mother's gaze is piercing, right through his soul, and for the first time, Elijah's relief at being home turns sour. "No. Look, Mama, I'm sure it's the drive. I'm just tired, is all." He presses a quick kiss to the side of her head. Ice crawls down his neck, with his back to the window, but he can't do much about it. He says, "Josh has my room?"

"Oh, right. Sorry, sweetie. We turned the other into a craft room." She at least looks a little ashamed. "You're welcome to the air mattress."

It sounds pretty good, but the idea of a couch, ready to go, sounds even better. So much for sleeping in his car--he'd rather not awaken with nightmares of that... thing scraping at his window.

His car. That's what he should've done. Hit the panic button on his keys, scare the thing. Elijah could've really found out if he was just making shit up.

"Can I sleep on the couch?" He shrugs, tries not to crumple under his mother's gaze. "Just... prefer sleeping alone."

The moment Amanda finally rolls her eyes seems to come too slow, and Elijah exhales a shaky breath. "Fine. Don't come crying to me when Josh wakes you up at five in the morning to go running, though." Her expression softens, and she reaches out to brush her fingers against Elijah's cheek. "I'm so glad you're home."

He smiles, small and sad, and grabs her wrist in hand. "Me too, Mama."

"How long will you be staying?"

With a laugh, Elijah says, "How long will you have me?"

"You weren't laid off, were you?"

Ouch. It shouldn't hurt, but it does. "No, no, I just had to cash in on some PTO before year end." The lie burns his tongue, a sharp spark against his teeth. If Amanda catches him, she doesn't show it.

"Hm. Maybe through the holidays, then."

He nods. "Yeah, 'course."

She stands on her tiptoes to plant a kiss on the top of his head. "I missed you so much, Elijah. It's just not the same without you here." Her voice is sad, but when she pulls back, she's smiling. "Farmer's market in the morning. Eight thirty."

He grimaces. Knows he should agree, but what comes out of his mouth is, "Mom, I hate farmer's markets. Isn't there--"

"No buts about it, Elijah. You owe your mother how many years of day trips and quality time?" She turns on her heel. "Eight thirty. Good night."

His father's asleep in the front room, downstairs, the television blaring late night talk shows. A low rumble sounds from the chair, probably the massage function, and there are ice packs on Allan's shoulder. Still, he looks comfortable, so Elijah only turns down the television a few notches, drapes a blanket over his father's lap, and makes his way toward the family room.

The family room houses the biggest window in the house, too. Elijah makes up the couch with blankets from the storage trunk, one eye on the window, but all he can see are dog slobbers on the outside. No dog, either, no bed, no bowl.

The neighbor's then, or his father's insistence on no animals in the house still applies to man's best friend.

His joints crack as he crawls onto the couch and buries his head into the pillows. Exhaustion burrows into his bones and he sighs, pulling the blanket up around his shoulders. His clothes smell like the fried food he'd picked up on his trip home, like gasoline from when he'd spilled it, and Amanda had been kind enough not to mention it.

Twenty four hours ago, he was sleeping curled up under Sean's arm, stressed but happy, and look at him now. Homeless, unemployed.

Hell. If that thing out there wanted to eat him, Elijah'd welcome it with open arms.

#easthallow #my writing #excited vibrating #sorry mobile

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