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#I've been putting in effort and now I'm seeing the results! And I deserve to celebrate that!

ironstrange1991 · 7 months

Text

Careful What You Wish For

Pairing: Doctor!Strange x Fem!Reader

Synopsis: The reader and Stephen are students at Kamar Taj and when she needs his help with her exams, Stephen makes her an indecent offer.

Word Count: 6,5k

Warnings: SMUT: Dubcon, hate sex (at least in the beggining), handjob, oral sex with male receiving, forced (?) deep throat, umprotected p n v, lost of virginity, mentions of pain and blood, forced (?) creampie.

A/N: It took me a while to finish this fic, but I'm very happy with the result. Hope you like it.

You had been a student at Kamar Taj for no more than a few months when the new guy arrived. You were in the hall and even served him tea at the time, then you left letting the Ancient One and Master Mordo speak to him. However, of course you were peeking behind the curtains listening to the entire conversation. You saw the disrespectful and absurd way in which he addressed the Ancient One and you also saw how she, with all her power and somewhat sadistic humor, put him in his place.

You spent that day studying the old books that Wong had recommended for you and as you did so you heard the incessant knocking on the door and the shouts of "Let me in" or "I have nowhere to go." The situation was funny at first because like the Ancient One, you also had a certain sadistic side, but after hours of that incessant whining you started to feel sorry for the man. He was kinda cute.

When he was allowed to join you and become a student of the mystic arts you decided that you would not make his life easy. Whenever you could, you teased him for being the new guy, for being the guy whose hands could barely conjure mere sparks. During training in the courtyard, The Ancient One always had the two of you train together and you didn't take it easy on him. You might be small, but you were agile. He on the other hand was tall, had a well defined body, not too thin, very muscular, but was extremely slow. Apparently all the years of being an arrogant rich guy had made him soft and you liked seeing him lying on the floor whenever you got the chance.

"Y/n, no messing around. Grab your relics and get into fighting stance." Master Mordo instructed in one of the training afternoons and you chose one of the relics, but when the new guy went to get his, you slapped his hand making him look at you with a mixture of surprise and irritation. He was very handsome when he was angry, his blue eyes darkening with the fury he tried to contain. Wounded pride showing in every line of his furrowed brow.

"You don't deserve a relic yet, old man."

He ran his tongue across the corner of his cheek, clearly annoyed, but decided to play along. "I already told you my name is Stephen Strange."

You shrugged, getting into a fighting stance. "And I already said I don't care. Now be less miserable and conjure a weapon, so I'll feel less bad when I hit you."

He chuckled nervously, making a valiant effort to conjure something that could barely be described as a weapon, but it would have to do because you quickly went in for a blow that he reasonably defended himself from.

You smiled mischievously "You're getting better. I've always believed it's possible to learn through pain."

He clearly didn't like your comment, because he struck a blow at you that you barely have time to defend yourself by creating a shield.

"You don't know anything about my pain." He spat out the words.

Apparently you had hit a nerve. Excellent.

Your relationship with Strange didn't changed much beyond that for a long time, but you liked to think that somehow you were growing inside him, because he was always close even when you didn't necessarily need to be together. Like in the library.

It was as if he always knew the exact time you were in the library and would go there and steal books that were clearly not allowed for someone of his level. Not even at your level.

"You're going to end up with your head in a bucket over this." You said one of those nights while reading under the light of a single candle at the farthest desk in the library.

"Only if you tell on me." He responded, bringing the book under his arm and coming towards you. He threw the heavy book on the table and smiled arrogantly at you. When you looked at the book your eyes widened in complete amazement.

"This book belongs to the Ancient One's collection, are you crazy?"

He pulled out a chair and sat at the desk with you. "Wong said no knowledge is prohibited at Kamar Taj."

You rolled your eyes "Yes, I know that speech, it was exactly that that led Kaecilius to perdition."

Strange stared at you and then at the book. "So this is the book that was stolen."

"If it's in your hand, it's obvious that it wasn't stolen. Only a spell was removed from it. An evil spell that neither you nor I have the slightest idea of what it does."

But it was useless, every word of warning seemed to instigate the man even more. You had been around Strange long enough to know that he was hard-headed and when he put something in his head no one could take it away.

You closed the book you were reading and levitated it to the shelf by moving little more than your fingertips.

"Show off." He scolded as he flipped through the forbidden book.

"If you allow me, I will leave before you do something that’ll get us killed, or worse, expelled."

With that he smiled widely, that must have been the first time you saw him smiling, at least for you.

"Did you just quote Harry Potter? How old are you, twelve?"

You shrugged. "I'm 21 in two weeks, I'll take a gift." You said walking down the hall.

As days went by, it became increasingly clear to you that all that provocation had a much deeper meaning than you wanted to admit. You've never been with a man, in fact you've never even been interested in a man. Your life has always been studying and after you were orphaned after a car accident that killed your parents and almost killed you, you felt lost in the world and found out about Kamar Taj and dedicated yourself one hundred percent to it. That's what you always do, you find a source of interest, become completely obsessed and devote yourself to it until you learn everything you can from it and then move on to another obsession. At that point you were already recognizing the pattern and wondering how far you could go with that obsession with Strange when teasing or pestering him during training seemed to not be enough anymore.

You started teasing him in other ways, wearing robes that were tighter than necessary, shorts and tank tops that were smaller and shorter than allowed, all so he could get a good look at what he was missing. That is, of course, if he had any interest in you in the same way that you had in him. To be honest, you had no idea what you were doing. Provoking him was easy, but seducing wasn't exactly an area you had mastered.

The day before your birthday you were in the kitchen stealing what was left of your cake frosting when Strange caught you in the act. You were only wearing skimpy pajama shorts and a top that barely covered your breasts and bent over as you were, half of your body inside the fridge, you could imagine the image Stephen had of your ass.

"You should be embarrassed." His baritone voice came from behind you and in shock you hit your head on the top of the fridge which made him laugh. That laugh was something new and the way it made your stomach flutter was new too.

You took the pot out of the fridge, but left the door open, illuminating the dark kitchen with a beam of yellow light.

"It's my cake, my birthday, I have the right." You responded by sticking your index finger into the bowl and scooping out a little more of the icing and sticking it in your mouth teasingly taking it out with a loud pop.

You could see him swallowing thickly, his eyes getting darker with what you didn't quite know what it was.

"I'm referring to walking around the Kamar Taj dressed like that."

You shrugged "It's hot in Kathmandu." You made sure to smile mischievously at him. "After all, what are you doing walking around the Kamar Taj at this hour, Strange?" You questioned as if you had any right to it.

He pulled out a chair and sat down. "I can't sleep. My hands are hurting more than usual."

You looked at him for a second, still leaning against the sink with the glass bowl in your hand, trying to think of what to say to him, but ended up opting for the easiest answer.

"You don't expect me to take pity on you and offer to massage your hands or something, right?" You tried to sound sarcastic, but since there was some truth in your suggestion, your voice sounded softer than you would have liked.

"I don't want pity, but a massage would be nice."

“Fuck off” You replied, turning around to put the bowl in the sink and wash your hands, but mostly to hide how red your cheeks had gotten.

He sighed, getting up and mumbling a good night and leaving the kitchen and you stood there wondering if he was really serious or not. In any case, that was absurd, you both didn't have that kind of intimacy.

You ended up as usual in the library, finishing the last chapters of the book that you needed to finish for the end of the year exams. When you joined Kamar Taj, you didn't realize how much theory you would have to learn, you always thought it would be more practice than books and exams, but things weren't exactly as you imagined and you weren't as good at theory as you were in practice. Your memory wasn't like Strange's. The bastard could memorize an entire book in that deranged brain of his, you could barely memorize your own notes. Clearly there was a bargaining chip there, you thought ironically. I massage his hands and he help me study.

You chuckled to yourself thinking how absurd the idea was, but as you read the endless pages of the book that confused you more than clarified the subject, the more tempted you became to actually make the offer to Strange. The best you could get for an answer was no, right?

Finally, you gave up on your studies and put the books back on the shelves and left the library towards the dorms, you were still deciding between going straight to your dorm or knocking on Strange's door when you heard a sound coming from his room. You stopped in front of the door, your hand on the doorknob waiting and then you heard it again, a groan. He must have really been in a lot of pain to be groaning like that. You even felt bad about the way you spoke to him in the kitchen earlier.

You gave up knocking and simply turned the handle and to your surprise the door opened. It was dark inside, but the little light coming from the window made it clear as day what he was actually doing or trying to do and before he noticed your presence another groan escaped his lips followed by a curse "Damn hands. "

You swallowed heavily and closed the door behind you and only then did he notice your presence.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" He asked completely defensively, adjusting himself in the small chair at the desk that could barely contain his entire size in it. At the same time he removed his hand from inside his boxers, but there was an erection there so obvious that the white fabric did little to hide.

"I came to make you an offer, but since you're busy I can come back another time." You answered turning around to leave.

He groaned and in that sound you could feel a little frustration, a little irritation and also some curiosity. “Wait.”

He snapped his fingers and some light bulbs came on. "If you tell anyone what you saw here, I swear I'll kill you." He threatened.

You smirked, "Threatening to kill me isn't the best thing you can do to keep my mouth shut. It's actually the worst thing, since we both know you're no match for me in combat."

He raised an eyebrow challenging you. "I've evolved a lot since I got here, Y/n, don't underestimate me."

You shrugged. "I'm not here to fight, Strange. I came to ask for help with my studies. You know my exams are coming up and I'm not as good in theory as I am in practice. If I do poorly in the exams, The Ancient One won't let me participate in the advanced spell training and I'm really excited to get started...”

"Let me get this straight. You're asking for my help? Is that right?"

You walked over to him and sat on the bed, crossing your arms dramatically. "Unfortunately it's my only option."

He shifted again in his chair and you couldn't help but notice that thing between his legs.

"So... what do you say?"

"I could help you. The question is whether I want to or not. Let's think about it for a minute. Since I got here you have dedicated yourself to make my life really hard. You are an insufferable brat, you are rude... "

"Okay, I understand. Where are you going with this? Are you going to help me or not?"

Strange smiled mischievously as if suddenly some brilliant idea had crossed his mind. "It will depend on what you’ll give me in return."

Something about that smile made the heat rise to your cheeks again and you swallowed thickly.

"You mentioned early in the kitchen that your hands were hurting. I thought… maybe you wanted a massage or something." Your voice became lower and lower and by the end of the sentence it was almost a whisper.

He hummed, "Something like that." He replied and then sighed heavily.

"Do you know what the big problem with my hands is? I can't jerk off"

You looked at him, completely shocked that he was saying that to you, but you supposed that after teasing him for all that time, he didn't exactly have much respect for you, especially because he must have already noticed that you maintained a certain interest in him.

"And tonight, after you were showing off that ass of yours for me in the kitchen I really needed to jerk off."

You opened your mouth to respond, but nothing came out.

"You tease me and tease me, but you don't offer anything in return. You keep wearing these indecent clothes and I know it's not because of the heat, but because you want me to look at you. You call me an old man, but I know you love how old I am. So spare me that innocent face of yours because I know you're not innocent."

Actually, you were, but you didn't tell him that. You had never been with a man. Some heated kisses, yes, some touching and teasing, but nothing more than that. The problem was that you played your role too well.

"Are you going to help me or not?" You mumbled.

"Come here." He asked and you hesitated for a moment, but then you gave in and slowly walked towards him, stopping in front of him, waiting for what he would say next.

"I don't want a massage. I need your hands to jerk off. In other words, I want a handjob. A really good handjob and depending on how good it is I might be good and help you pass those exams."

You chewed on your lip. There was a part of you that liked the idea of being intimate with him like that, but another much more conscious part knew how wrong it was. You weren't comfortable with that situation.

"And how exactly is a really good handjob? I need to know my chances here if I'm going to do this."

He smirked. "Let me see your hands. Palms up."

You obeyed.

"They're small, which means you'll have to use both at the same time because, as you can see..." He brought his hands to the sides of his boxers and in a quick movement they were on his knee, freeing his huge dick. "It's very big."

"You're an arrogant idiot, you know that?" You mumbled, unable to hold your tongue in your mouth.

He grabbed one of your hands and brought it to his cock and instinctively you wrapped it around him and it felt so warm and so hard, you didn't imagine it was that hard.

"Come on, you know what to do!" He said, closing his eyes and sighing heavily.

You knelt down to his height and moved your hand up and down, but clearly something was wrong. "Shouldn't it be wet?" You asked innocently, to which he let out a small chuckle.

"Yeah, I don't have lube. You'll need to use your own spit."

You looked at him in surprise, but he clearly understood your reaction as disgust.

He sighed dramatically, held his own cock by the base and spat on it and then moved his trembling hand spreading the saliva over the entire length. "There. It's wet now."

You grabbed him, determined to end it once and for all. From what you knew, he hadn't had sex for a long time and if you did it right he wouldn't last long.

You started to pump him up and down quickly, but contrary to your plans, he held your hand "Slow down, I want to enjoy myself for a bit."

You sighed doing what he wanted, you used both hands to stroke him slowly making sure to rotate your hands on the way down and making sure to touch his head on the way up. It was your first time doing that, but you weren't a saint, you had already watched porn and remembered some things and by the way he started to squirm, barely able to stay still in the chair, you could tell you were doing something right.

He started to moan too, at first low and then louder and soon some words began to escape his lips as if he was unable to contain them.

"Fuck Y/n, you really know what you're doing, don't you? Oh I missed this, it's been so long!"

You couldn't hide from yourself that his words seemed to move you, it was almost as if you could feel a warmth in your chest, a surge of pride at being praised by him and more than that, you felt your panties getting wet.

There was no point trying to hide that you were enjoying this. Deep down you always imagined yourself in some kind of erotic scenario with Strange. Alone in your small room, you found yourself thinking about him and he was right, you teased him to try to get some reaction from him. You just never imagined things would happen this way, but you were too involved in it to care.

You watched in delight as how much of that sticky liquid came out of his tip the more you stimulated him, and you also realized that you liked the noises that your hands jerking him made, not to mention his moans that got louder and louder. The next thing you knew, you were squeezing your thighs together and he only didn't notice because he had leaned his head back and kept his eyes closed, but when an involuntary moan escaped your lips he looked at you intently with a grin in his lips.

"You're enjoying this, aren't you? You dirty little brat!"

You couldn't maintain eye contact with him, so you kept your eyes on his cock, noticing every vein, every detail of that cock that was the first one you had the chance to see up close.

You spat on his cock and continued your work without responding to his provocation, but he wasn't willing to let it go.

"Look at me."

You did what he asked somewhat reluctantly.

"I want your mouth, sweetheart."

You looked at him in surprise, not because of what he asked, but because of the way he referred to you and especially because of how it made you feel.

"I... I don't know how to do it." You replied and he smirked.

"I find that hard to believe."

You looked away feeling your face even hotter. Was it really possible that you had played your role so well that you managed to make the man you were interested in believe you were a whore? You were not. You weren't even close to that, but now it was too late to try to change his opinion about you.

"Tell me how you like it." You asked, disguising your inexperience.

"Deep in the throat. That's how I like it. But I'll take what you give me. Just use this mouth of yours for something more productive than talking shit."

You were slightly offended and bothered by the way he was treating you. Despite everything, in your fantasies he was always kind, but you tried not to let that show and opened your mouth as much as you could and he stuck his head in and instinctively reached his hand up to your head and grabbed a handful of your hair. "Use your tongue, swirl it in the head."

You did exactly as he asked and felt his hold on your hair tighten. He started to push your head down, forcing you to take him deeper and deeper until you gagged and tears ran down your face.

"That's how I like it." He took his cock out of your mouth and held your chin making you look at him. "There's nothing like a good cock to tame a brat, right sweetheart?"

You swallowed the saliva you had gathered in your mouth and nodded obediently.

"You can take a little more, can't you?"

You nodded.

"Good girl. Open your mouth really wide, I'm going to go deeper this time, okay?"

You just nodded again, apparently that was all you could do, obey his commands even if you didn't agree with them. You felt as he pushed his cock deeper and deeper into your mouth, entering your throat until you could no longer breathe. Automatically you grabbed his thighs and started pushing to try to get away from him, but he didn't let you go.

"It's okay. Just breathe through your nose" He cooed. You had never heard that tone of voice from him, at least not when he was talking to you, but a part of you liked it.

You did as he ordered, but the sensation was no less uncomfortable when you felt him going down your throat. Your gag reflex was horrible and soon you were crying profusely as streams of saliva ran down your mouth as he continued thrusting against your throat.

"Look at you, you're crying on my dick, sweetheart. Do you have any idea how beautiful this is?"

You pushed his thigh again and tried to lift your head and this time he allowed it.

He continued holding your hair though and wiped the tears from your cheeks.

"Not such a bully now, are you?"

You were feeling overwhelmed, your voice refused to come out and there was a secret part inside you that was loving the feeling of being used, even when you knew deep down that it was wrong.

He stood up and pulled you up too. "Let's make a deal. I'll touch you now and if you're dry I'll let you finish with the handjob and we'll stop here..."

You stared at him, fully aware of the mess that was between your legs.

He smirked, pleased with your reaction and continued explaining "...but if you're wet... Oh sweetheart, if you're wet, I'll fucking ruin you."

When his hand slipped into your shorts and panties your legs were shaking and could barely support you standing. You knew you should tell him the truth, that you should stop it while there was still time, but you couldn't. You were paralyzed. Physically your body was having positive reactions, you were soaking wet between your legs, you were ready to take him. But mentally you were a mess. This wasn't what you imagined for your first time. It wasn't how it should be.

"Oh I knew it! I could smell it on you. Your arousal... such a sweet smell."

You placed your hand over his hand "Strange... I don't know..."

"Shhh, it's okay. I think you can call me Stephen now."

He moved his middle finger through your folds and circled your clit making your hips move involuntarily against his hand. He brought his face closer to yours and for a minute you thought he was going to kiss you, but instead he whispered in your ear. "You always wanted this, right? All the teasing was because you wanted me. I bet you've already touch yourself thinking about me, haven't you?"

You didn't respond, but when he took two fingers inside you, you winced feeling a sting deep inside. He didn't seem to notice.

"Tell me." He insisted.

"Yes."

"Yes what?"

"I always wanted you." You whined.

He hummed "I'm here now. I'm going to give you what you've always wanted."

With that he bent you over the desk and pulled your shorts and panties down to your knees and you could hear him spitting into his hand.

"Stephen...w-wait..."

He spread his saliva at your entrance and you clung as best you could to the edges of the small wooden desk bracing yourself for what was to come.

He didn't say anything, he just buried himself inside of you with a strong, firm thrust and it was done. All the fantasies, all the expectations around it disappeared in a second, giving way to pain, a tearing sting that brought tears to your eyes, but you didn't make a sound.

He groaned in pleasure, but in confusion too and then stopped altogether. When he spoke again his voice sounded low and slightly nervous.

"Were you a fucking virgin? Really?"

You let out the breath you were holding in small puffs, "I t-tried to tell you."

He pulled out and turned you around to face him. "You didn't tell me shit. How was I supposed to know?!"

You wiped the tears from your eyes "It's no big deal okay? I should have resolved this a long time ago, I just never found..." You bit your tongue before you said too much. You had already given him too much power over you that night.

Stephen ran a hand nervously through his mouth. "We'd better stop this here." He stated, but you held his hand.

"Stephen... it's no big deal. I want this. Just... do it."

He held your face between his huge, shaking hands and stared into your eyes and you could see all the certainty in him slipping away but you had to keep going. If you stopped now it would be too humiliating.

"Stephen, please." You whispered.

"You stupid little brat!" Stephen said with a heavy sigh and then kissed you. An angry and desperate kiss. A clash of lips, tongues and teeth mixed with the hums that escaped your throats.

In one quick movement he picked you up, bride style, eliciting a gasp from your lips.

"What are you doing?"

He walked over to his bed and laid you carefully on the pillows.

"If we're going to do this, sweetheart, let's do it right."

You watched as he got rid of his tee and found yourself analyzing every inch of his body. He was so beautiful, his defined chest and abdomen, his strong arms, his hands... you lost count of how many times you stared at his hands while your mind conjured up the dirtiest scenarios possible.

"Like what you see?" He asked arrogantly and you couldn't help but roll your eyes, it was stronger than you. "If I didn't like it I wouldn't be here."

"I thought you were here to offer me a deal." He smirked grabbing your shorts and panties that were still tangled around your knees and pulling them off. He threw them on the floor, staring at you with a damn arrogant smile on his lips. "Give up being a brat, this behavior doesn't suit virgins."

You felt the heat returning to your cheeks, but you didn't have time to think of a response because he climbed onto the bed and came on top of you, your legs parted so he could settle between them and before you could understand what he was doing, his lips were on your belly as he lifted the tank top you were wearing and continued his assault on your skin. He kissed and bit you while lifting your top exposing your breasts. He caught your nipple in his mouth, sucking it with newfound passion. A low moan escaped your lips while he did it and you moved your hips up involuntarily. He hummed pleased with your response.

"Stephen...please."

He moved his lips up to your neck, sucking a bruise on your sensitive skin. The touch of his goatee making your entire body shiver. He continued moving his mouth up, nibbling on your earlobe, breathing heavily into your ear on purpose while grinding his hard dick against your uncovered pussy.

"Tell me what you want." He whispered.

But instead of answering him, you surrendered to your fear and asked. "Will it hurt more?"

He cupped your face. "The worst part is over, but I'll take it slow now, I promise."

You shook your head. "No. Just do whatever you have to do until you make me feel good."

He grabbed your chin with more force than you would expect and used his other hand to direct his cock to your entrance and kissed you as he entered you again, going all the way in. You felt the same sting deep in your belly, but it hurt less this time, however the discomfort of having him inside you was something you still needed to get used to. He was big and even though he wasn’t moving you could feel his dick pulsing inside you. It was an strange sensation.

"Now move with me." He asked, grabbing your thigh and wrapping your leg around his waist and with that going even deeper. The movements began, he thrusted slowly but hard and you clung to him, your arms wrapped around his torso, nails biting against the skin of his back as you tried to imitate his movements.

The whole time his lips didn't leave your lips, your chin, your neck. He kissed and bit everywhere he could reach and in between his kisses he let out moans and groans and little praises.

"Oh fuck, this little virgin pussy feels so good... so tight."

You didn't imagined how much of the sexual response was much more physiological than a conscious thing. Before you even knew it your body was moving beneath his with much more desire and the pain and discomfort were replaced by a type of pleasure that was much stronger than the one you got when touching yourself in your room. Each thrust from Stephen triggered a new wave of desire and suddenly what he was giving you didn't seem to be enough, you wanted him all inside you, you wanted him to merge with you until it was no longer possible to know where one ended and the other began.

"Oh my god... it feels so good." You moaned against his lips as you wrapped both legs around his waist, crossing your feet behind his back and trapping him there.

"Yeah? My cock feels good inside you. Isn't that right, sweetie?"

“Uh hum” was all you could respond, but it was enough to inflate Stephen’s ego even more and he groaned loudly in response, gripping the headboard and you couldn’t tell how, but you knew he was close. There was something about the way his eyes were fixed on yours, his breathing became faster, his movements more irregular and in the midst of your bliss you were still able to reason "Stephen... I'm not taking anything."

But your words didn't have the effect you expected, on the contrary, he seemed to become even more determined to finish. His mouth fell open, loud moans and grunts escaping straight from his throat and his thrusts became even harder and faster.

"You're being such a good girl for me. Letting me fuck your pussy raw. I think I'll make it up to you." He rested his forehead on yours and continued. "I'm going to fill you with my cum and you're going to take all of it, won't you?"

You shook your head, but he shushed you.

"Of course you will. I'll leave you leaking my cum for days so you remember what you get for being a good girl. Who knows, maybe you'll come back for more?"

"But... we can't..."

He thrusted even harder against you and your mouth went agape with the feeling forming in the pit of your stomach. You knew you were close, but at the same time it was unlike anything you had ever felt. I was stronger and it seemed to come from much deeper inside you.

"Of course we can. Going to fuck a baby inside you, sweetheart. I know you will look beautiful carrying my baby."

Your pussy fluttered at those words. How was it possible for you to feel that way? You knew you couldn't let him do that, but you didn't have the strength to fight him when your body was against you. The tension inside your stomach increased and you were so close, all you needed was a small push to fall and surrender to your climax.

"S-Stephen... I'm gonna cum. Oh my... shit."

He kept his pace holding on to the headboard to put more strength into his thrusts while with his other hand he grabbed your chin making you look at him.

"Look at me, Y/n. I want to see it happening. Show me how good my cook is making you feel."

"So good... cock feels so good inside me. I am so lucky." You muttered, barely aware of your own words. "I need to cum. Let me cum... Please..."

He smirked, surely satisfied with your total submission. "You can cum, sweetheart. Do it now."

The tension exploded within you with an intensity you had never experienced before. Unlike every time you came, the sensation was not concentrated in your clit, but came from the inside out, making your entire body shake and tears accumulate at your waterline.

"There you go." Stephen stopped thrusting, watching you with a victorious smile on his lips and then kissed you, a wet kiss, full of lust and desire. Fuck, he was such a good kisser. You felt yourself melting on his lips.

He groaned at your lips and, against your will, you felt him spilling inside you. You knew you should fight it, but in your state of pure bliss you couldn't find the strength within yourself to even try.

He broke the kiss only to lower his lips to your neck where he sucked a bruise too visible for you to hide with your robes. But you knew that was exactly his intention. He wanted to claim you. Showing you that from that moment on you were his and no matter how absurd it might seem, you liked the idea. In fact, that was exactly what you wanted.

He rolled to the side when he was finished, his breathing slowly returning to normal and you lay there feeling the weight of everything that had happened, disbelief and shame finally taking over you. You were suddenly terribly self conscious about lying naked on Strange's bed while his cum dripped from your violated pussy.

In the middle of your internal debate you decided to get up, but you were interrupted by Strange who held your arm and asked with some disbelief. "Where do you think you're going?"

"To my room. I... I think I need a shower."

He cupped your face smirking "Wait here. I'll clean you up."

You waited for him motionless on the bed, your heart beating so hard you could hear it pounding in your ears. You heard the sounds coming from the bathroom, he had left the door open and the room was too small so you couldn't hear him. He peed and wash himself and then came back a few minutes later with a towel in his hands and went back to bed. He cleaned you gently, the towel was wet with warm water and it felt good although the whole situation was extremely embarrassing.

"I'll help you with your studies." He said when he finished what he was doing. "You can wait for me in the library after dinner, but you can't rely on that alone to pass your exams. You need to read. That's what works for me. Hours of reading."

You sat on the bed and stared in disbelief at the small stain of blood on the white sheet. Your face blushed so hard you needed to look the other way.

"I shouldn't have done what I did, Y/n. I had no idea you were a virgin. I'm so sorry. I imagine it wasn't what you expected your first time to be."

You shook your head. "I always wanted it to be you." You confessed, staring at your hands. "You're right. I have feelings for you. That's why I tease you... so you'll notice me."

He sighed, but there was a certain tenderness in his eyes that you had never seen before.

"And do you want this to continue, or it’ll be a one-time thing?" Stephen asked and for a second you could see expectation in his eyes, as if he was waiting a long time for the answer he wanted to hear.

"I don't know, Strange. Do you want it to continue?"

He smirked looking away and then he nodded. "Yes. I want to do it again. And you can keep calling me Stephen. I think it's the most normal thing after I took your virginity."

You felt the heat running down from your cheeks to your neck.

"You look beautiful all red like that." He smiled at you. "I always thought you were beautiful, Y/n."

He came closer and cupped your face and kissed you. Soft and calm for the first time. Your lips moved in sync and somehow this kiss felt even more intimate than the others. When he broke the kiss there was a passionate smile on his lips.

He sighed getting up. "Feel free to use the bathroom. I'll change the sheets so we can sleep."

You did as he suggested, hiding in the bathroom while he disappeared with the evidence of your lost innocence. You took the opportunity to wash your face with clean water and went back to the room. He was already lying down and patted the mattress for you to join him. You picked up his tee that was on the floor and put it on and then lay down on the bed next to him. He pulled you into his arms and you both fell silent.

I need to know that you're okay, Y/n" He said.

You nodded. "I'm fine. Really." You glanced at him for a moment and then smiled. "You can call me sweetheart whenever you want. It's terribly cute." You teased.

He pinched your cheek "As you wish, sweetheart. Now let's try to sleep. We need to wake up early for training tomorrow. Promise you'll be good to me."

Your smirked “I’ll try.”

Reblog please! Leave a comment if you liked it. Interact! I will love to read all of your comments and opinions. It inspires me to keep writing!

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dwyntwo · 3 days

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Okay, so... as a collective fandom, we can agree that bullying Kaz is fun, yeah? There's just something about seeing the guy down at his lowest and then prodding him with a stick and going "Come on, do something."

But I'm going to stand in his corner for a bit in this post.

Something that never really sat right with me is the collective implication that Kaz isn't good enough for Inej (and never will be).

I'm totally with you: he didn't deserve Inej in the first book and maybe not even yet in the second because he didn't give her anything to work with. He didn't even visit her after she was stabbed, or show her how relieved he was when she recovered. And this is just the thing: he didn't deserve her because of his BEHAVIOUR, not because he's inherently less important or less valuable or less of a person than her.

However I've read so many post-CK fanfictions where Kaz has been working on himself, is openly communicating with her, basically kisses the ground she walks on, treats her as his equal and goes above and beyond to make her as comfortable as possible, and still everyone INCLUDING Inej (and Kaz) goes "I/she deserve/s so much better than me/him". And THAT implicates that the reason Kaz wasn't good enough for her was not his behaviour towards her, but the fact that he as a whole human being is just "not enough" and "less valuable" than her, and that viewpoint has always made me super uncomfortable, especially considering his trauma.

Now I know what you're going to say, and I absolutely agree: trauma never excuses abhorrent behaviour. But there's just something icky to me about looking at a traumatized person who has not only been making an EXTREME effort to overcome their issues, but also shown amazing results, and going "They don't deserve X", "They're less than X" etc. just because they haven't fully healed yet or might never fully heal. It gives "Traumatized people are damaged goods"-vibes, which is especially weird considering my next point: INEJ IS TRAUMATIZED TOO AND HER TRAUMA GETS IN THE WAY OF A GOOD AND LOVING RELATIONSHIP JUST AS MUCH AS HIS.

She literally admits to herself that she wears as much armor as Kaz does and was being kind of hypocritical when she told him to remove his. Inej is a flawed character (which somehow seems to be a controversial take in the fandom), and to put her on a pedestal because of how virtuous and "better" she is than Kaz takes all the nuance out of her. There are definitely some parts in the books where I felt like she was in the wrong or toeing the line, but the others never really call out her behaviour the way they do with Kaz, not even in their internal monologue, so we're left with this image of an Inej who can do no wrong and a Kaz who simply got lucky.

The fact that in aforementioned fanfictions (that I still absolutely adore btw) Inej too thinks he isn't good enough for her despite everything he does for her and for himself, and despite how far he's come also turns her acknowledgment of her own self worth into something ugly and vain in my eyes. She loves herself, but she also loves Kaz, so I don't think she, or any good partner, would look at her boyfriend who clearly already thinks very little of himself and go "Yep, this fucker isn't good enough".

So often people will look at a healthy happy couple and go "He/she could do so much better than her/him". Like that's a whole person you're putting in a competition of "Who's more worthy?" as if they were some object that is of better or worse quality.

I don't think I articulated this too well and there's a lot more to be said about this, but I hope you understand the gist of it. Post CK-Kaz who works on himself and openly communicates ABSOLUTELY deserves Inej, and I will ROT on this hill.

Now I've been nice to him for long enough I think *whacks him with a crow bar*

#wtf is wrong with me omg #kaz brekker #six of crows #soc #inej ghafa #ck #crooked kingdom

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2hiit · 7 months

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hello again, dashboard.

my name is jenga, and you might recognize me from @2hiit, @mikucaptor, @spellbookbindings, @oberonnie, @goodnatured, @uzufoxy, and @autochaton. if you do, you may have also noticed my various absences from the tumblrsphere in the last year or so. although i've been trying to stay as uninvolved from this as i can, i've reached my breaking point. this is in part due to the newest of the false allegations sunnie has lobbied against me, and in part due to the health of my wife, who was supposed to be wearing a heart monitor this month to track some irregular beating, but whose results have most definitely been skewed due to the repeated stress sunnie has been putting our family through this past week.

this post will include every shred of evidence i have against sunnie (@sunniehub), with the hope that once i've said everything i can, i never have to address this again. i deserve peace. my family deserves peace. i have been forced to accept we will not get any if i continue to just wait for this to blow over.

sunnie runs the following blogs:

sunniehub / carcins / softdweller / 8ad / goresports / paiinball / w2f / stuckyfanfiction / w33dgod69 / diqqiebitch / hissassin / dowwn / eredan / hotdoxxed / apedshit / acabemy / mistaklen

xe has been relentlessly block evading and stalking my various blogs, as well as attempting to tarnish my online reputation beyond repair with false accusations in an effort to drive me off of this site. i have been dealing with sunnie and xer inexcusable behavior ever since i blocked xem on january 2nd, 2023 for the sake of my mental health. i made a response post once before addressing these false allegations against me, but i now realize that will no longer be sufficient, as sunnie seems to be content with making up new and worse accusations when the previous ones fail to stick.

content warnings for this document include: mentions of r/pe, mentions of CSA, stalking, harassment, emotional abuse, gaslighting, guilt tripping, suicidal thoughts, and mentions of transphobia. there are also descriptions of physical stalking, as well as graphic descriptions of violence, but these things are warned for before they occur, and are skippable if need be.

over the course of THIS DOCUMENT, i’ll be showing you chat logs, screenshots, and data supporting the claims i’ve made about sunnie, as well as offering you some context as to how this situation came to be. this is quite an extensive log and i'm aware it may be hard to follow, and some of you may want to skip to the parts that are most striking to you. i have taken the liberty to include an outline in the sidebar for the ease of moving around the document at your own pace, and i’ll be using formatting to make it as neurodivergent friendly as i possibly can. please bear with me.

i truly believe sunnie is a danger to this community, most especially those xe interacts with on a regular basis, just like i once did.

[as a disclaimer: while i have censored sunnie's previous name, i will not be altering any outdated pronouns as they appear in our chat logs. this is to maintain the integrity of the logs and readability. i no longer use xer former pronouns or name, and there are plenty of people who can vouch for this fact.]

i will be temporarily disabling anonymous asks, because i will not be addressing this matter publicly any longer. when i do eventually re-able them, any asks pertaining to this post, or the events this post addresses, will be promptly deleted. replies, reblogs, and DMs are fine, but otherwise, i am considering this matter closed until further notice.

furthermore, i do not want to see any commentary, speculation, or prodding for details whatsoever regarding the individuals in this document whose identities i have censored. this is a stalking accusation. they are censored for their protection.

they are not the focus of this document, sunnie is.

#unfortunately 99% of my interactions with sunnie were verbal so i was only able to provide 100 pages of receipts.#.ooc #rape ment /#csa ment /#stalking /#harassment /#emotional abuse /#gaslighting /#guilt tripping /#suicidal thoughts /#transphobia ment /#i have chosen not to ping sunnie directly as i am confident xe will find this of xer own accord.#rbs ok /#replies ok /#i may not respond for a while #im gonna need to let this one air out

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kelseytheballerina · 1 year

Note

Based on your blog I'm sure you've been asked this a million times, but do you have any practical advice for bettering yourself when you're starting at a really low point?

I've always WANTED to be better but I never follow through. I don't do anything impressive (I get up, go to work for 8 hours, come home, rest and try to recover from the day, sleep, repeat) but I'm so exhausted all the time anyway that adding extra effort to my routine feels impossible. In my free time I do basically nothing, I don't really enjoy anything except sleeping and I usually feel brain-dead tbh. I hate myself but even when I try to use that as motivation I flop every time.

I see all these people who do so much all the time and I want to be like you, but I can't imagine being able to do it. Where does your discipline come from and how do you maintain it when it's so difficult?

Keep in mind that the more you do, the more time it requires of you. Definitely don’t compare yourself to unemployed people like me or those who make a living being productive for social media. You work 8 hours, not to mention the commute, not to mention getting dressed and undressed, not to mention feeding yourself and taking care of all the things required to keep the house running and lights on. Add in dating, family, friends, grief, hard times, yeah it’s understandable why you are exhausted. You may see others in the same boat as you who also manage to muster up the energy to work on a degree and take care of their kids but not everyone can do the same things. We all have our limits. Our limits may change over time, but as of now your limit isn’t theirs and that’s okay.

What I think would be best is to not attempt to overload yourself if you don’t have to. Pick literally just one thing to put your remaining energy into for the time being. Let’s say that’s hitting the gym. Make that your thing for a while and ignore other stuff. Who knows, 6 months from now you may find that you can also squeeze in a cooking class once a week.

Obviously I’m someone who loves productivity and trying to maximize the days with all things learning and skill building. But I don’t think that everyone needs to live like that. Take care of your responsibilities first and have even just one thing on the side. You’ll feel better about yourself and you won’t be forcing yourself to be the biggest productivity slave. Bc if you aren’t even enjoying it, then what’s the point?

As for where my discipline comes from, I’d say that my mom instilled good habits in me when I was young (no tv until xyz is done, if you do it wrong I’ll wake you up and make you redo it so you might as well do it properly the first time, do these things bc you deserve to look good/live in a nice environment/reach your potential instead of just bc you “have to”) but also bc I went though a phase of uncertainty and unstructured living that made my life very difficult and I felt no pride in the way I was conducting myself, so I made changes to never feel that way again. I’ve seen what life is like when I don’t ‘parent’ myself and instead just run amuck and it’s not fulfilling, it’s not high quality, it’s not a life I am in love with. So in order to avoid that, I do the work and I absolutely positively love the results. That’s a priceless feeling.

#ask

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xiaolumi-love · 1 year

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IMPORTANT UPDATE! FREE BASE READING, PAID TIERS

hello everyone! i've decided i need to rework how i do readings. 🥹

i'm going to be completely transparent about it. this is because i'm not getting the results i need. the thing is, this really actually deserves to be a paid service. when i give readings, i give my all. i put 100% of my time, energy and empathy into making sure my responses are genuine, joyful and good. when you were asking for a reading from me, you were asking for messages from Spirit and advice from me. this advice comes from my learnings over time; it's hardwon and it takes effort and time to accumulate this knowledge and wisdom.

and so now, it's that wisdom that you're going to pay for.

because realistically, anyone can read for you. anyone can give you advice based on the cards, too. but if you've seen my general readings here on my blog, or been lucky enough to have received a full free reading already, then you'll know i'm highly skilled in what i do. because i genuinely wish to serve people, protect people and love people. i'm a reader who believes in the pay-it-forward methodology of karma; meaning, i will give over and over in order to receive tenfold.

but sometimes you need to set boundaries. you can rely on the Universe, but the Universe won't do everything for you.

i love helping people, but i need to make my service work for me. i haven't received a single tip out of 10+ readings yet, and some people don't even stick around after the reading to thank me. i'm afraid that isn't what i'm all about. to avoid being used until i burn out again, i need to put my foot down and i need to advocate for my needs.

so going forward, here's how things are going to work.

TO RECEIVE A BASE TAROT READING - FREE:

use an actual blog that includes posts, icon, banner, etc (so i know you're not a bot)

like + reblog this post (helps me gain exposure)

follow me (to keep updated)

dm me with any request your heart desires! (so i can see what i can do for you)

TIER TWO - USD$30 UPFRONT:

you will receive advice based on the tarot reading from yours truly! this is important if you want to get the full use out of your personalised base reading.

TIER TWO - USD$50 UPFRONT:

you will receive an oracle reading, which is basically advice from the Universe as divined by me, using my beloved Sacred Forest oracle deck! i highly recommend this one because it feels fun and exciting to divine and receive messages from the Universe.

i really hope you'll consider my services, everyone. i really want to help, but i want it to feel rewarding and good. money isn't everything, but people don't always know how to express heartfelt thanks in words either and this is an easy way to do that. it's how i want to make a living!

i'll be redirecting everyone who has already dm'd me about my previous free tarot reading post to this one. i know i'll lose some requests, but i know the ones who need me enough and want to show genuine love and light right back to me will stay.

thank you for your consideration. i love you all! 🩵🍃✨

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superaznchick · 15 days

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life update #16

ive been meaning to sit down and rant for the past few days so im finally just doing it now

idk how to best articulate this but i think what im feeling right now is maybe some sadness that i've grown up.

i realized this at work this week, where everything's been piling up with multiple things going on at the same time, and me being in the center of it with little support. i was definitely stressed at first but in the moment i felt so serene navigating the whole thing. like, i remained relaxed and not anxious, most of my moodiness was just from being annoyed that the deadlines were coming up so soon instead of properly spread out

and i think this is what's triggering my weird lingering sadness. even rereading some of my previous life updates my brain has always been soaked in anxiety, sometimes for no reason. but i'm so different now. if this were my situation just 2 years ago i'd probably be having panic attacks

i think growing up is a bittersweet thing, because you see that things aren't so bad. but then, you also see, like yeah. things were never that bad. they were only bad for reasons irrelevant to your higher purpose. but then that makes me feel sad for all that time lost, like oh, i could have been living like this the entire time, so all those past years spent bumbling around with all my anxiety and missing all those opportunities were just years scattered in the wind i guess

when you grow up you also lose a bit of magic i suppose. you've been around long enough to see how most things work, and will unfortunately start to be right a lot more of the time just due to sheer experience of watching things play out. you can still be wrong, but if you're aware and reflect often, things don't come as much of a surprise anymore. hence less anxiety, but also less magic

magic can be created though. it's just a lot more intentional, and requires conscious effort. like yes, i will be spending 3 hours tonight consciously putting effort into my hobbies and getting the magical result i desire. sometimes i succeed and sometimes i fail. magic is a choice, and i have to choose to participate in it every day

i have mixed feelings about all of this, but overall i think it leans towards the positive. being in the driver seat of your life is exhausting and sometimes gives little reward, but the times that you are rewarded feels so just and deserved. and it humbles you. like yes i found great success, but i've also found great failure. sometimes success is predictable because you're doing the calculations, not leaving the result to fate. you are backstage handling the props now, not on the other side watching the show. you wrote the script, and you know how it ends.

#personal #life update

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kim-ruzek · 3 months

Note

Any headcanons about your fave characters and ships you want to share? 🙂🙂

Why is it ALWAYS the way that whenever I get asked this, I seem to immediately forget all my headcanons? I love talking about my headcanons and I always want to have the opportunity to share them, but each and every time my mind panics and forgets them.

I've thought this over for a couple days and been casually writing up my answer but I don't think I'm going to remember much else that I've already written, or that I don't want to share because I hate feeling like people are Judging me (those headcanons are for Cíara's ears only apparently lol).

I've spent an awful amount of time thinking about Kim, so all of these will be around her. And some of these are ones that are shared/developed with Cíara.

Because I've always got a soft spot for lingess' friendship: Erin and Kim are still friends, and still keep in touch. If they ever see each other in person, it has to be Kim visiting her in New York, which she has, albeit not very much due to both of their works. Kim hasn't managed to go to see her since at least 2019, though. I have more headcanons about this but I'll keep it just as this.

I've talked about this one before and to my ire canon keeps trying to make this seem less and less likely for me to pretend is canon lol - Sylvie and Kim are close friends. They try to have a girls night and they originally bonded over having failed engagements. As an extension of this, which is one that came from Cíara, girls' night usually consists of Sylvie, Kim and Severide.

Zoe, Kim's niece, was born when Kim was 17. As per canon, Kim was kind of a nightmare as a teen, so I headcanon that Zoe's birth is what grounded her more, because Zoe deserved an aunt.

These ones changes occasionally depending how I feel and what works best for my fic usually, but Kim graduated at 17, not 18 and/or for a year or so, she primarily actually lived with her sister and her husband because she didn't want to be at home. Her BIL was never much a fan of this.

Kim knew she wanted to be a cop from when she was at least in her teens, but she then got some doubts when she was waiting to be of the age requirement - and she had always loved flying and being a flight attendant, she really fell in love with it. She had applied for the academy but while she was waiting to get in, she had doubts about whether or not she'll actually do it. Then one day at work, there was trouble and she helped in taking down the troublemaker and the rush she got convinced her being a cop was her calling.

Some of her pilot friends were sort of disappointed at this because they were trying to convince her to become a pilot/go back to uni and do something in aviation.

Her flight attendant friends never really understood why she wanted to be a cop, and especially after the (first) shooting, they drifted apart because they just weren't the same people.

Kim and her mom no longer talk, and while their relationship had always been rocky, Kim stopped putting in the effort after the engagement fell apart because even though Adam didn't meet her, Kim couldn't get over that her mom only being in town one night made the situation that much worse. Her mother's opinions on the failed engagement, then especially when she made intelligence sealed that.

Kim hates being beholden to her family's money so she, since getting into adulthood, has steadfastly refused to accept any and all money from them.

She had cousins in another state who while didn't have as much money as Kim's side did, had loving parents and Kim growing up was always very envious.

Kim hates talking about her past, even with Adam. As a result, especially now she's more open with him, they'll be little, relatively minor, bits of information that she forgets she never told Adam and some of these will be things she has told Kev and she'll bring these information up around Adam only to learn, no he didn't know that. Kev finds it amusing.

Kim paints.

Kim dreads the day Mack will one day ask about Kim's own parents, especially her father who, after her parents' divorce, none of Kim's family speak to.

Trudy and Kim has bonded together over trashy romance novels and will routinely recommend each other ones. This started after the first engagement fell through.

Kim still keeps somewhat in touch with Meredith and Michelle.

Adam's sister doesn't like Kim, and never has. His mom feels similarly but less confrontational.

Kim feels similar towards them, although she is always a little sad because growing up, she dreamt that one day she'll get the family she wanted in the form of her in-laws.

I think that's all I have for now, but I hope you enjoyed reading them. I have a lot more when they came from!

Thank you for asking! :)

#ree's asks #kim burgess #chicago pd #burzek #thank you for asking #ree's meta

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hyunsuks-beanie · 2 years

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Proud of You

Pairing: Heeseung × gn! reader

Genre: Super adorable fluff

Content Warnings: Just exams and related stress

Part of: Mellow's You've Got A Letter Event

Mellow speaks: I'm sobbing Heeseung would be the best boyfriend ever. Also, to the nonnie who had requested this, I totally feel you, because I too, am juggling a lot of stuff at the moment, and trying to do well in all of them.

Tagging: @ivyvesisi @sweethyuka @yedammi @enhacolor @yunhorights @axartia @yogurteume

Good morning my lovely bean,

Did you have a good night's sleep? I hope you did, because you're going to need all the energy you can get so that you can ace that exam today. Speaking of which, I've made you your breakfast (no, it's not ramen) and kept it in the microwave. Just heat it up and eat it, I don't want any leftovers to greet me when we come back home.

I had to rush to the office for practice, but I'm gonna make it up to you by being there to pick you up in the evening. And you can bet I'm going to treat you real well tonight, because you deserve it, because I know how hard you've been pushing yourself just for this day. Now, don't go ranting about how the exam "50% of my final grade," because yeah, I remember.

And that's exactly why I feel even more proud of you for remembering what actually matters to you, and putting in so much effort into achieving that. I'm sure you're going to nail it, and I'm sure even your teachers will be proud proud they see you passing with flying colors. I have my complete faith in you, and while I know I don't need to wish you luck, I'm gonna wish you anyway, just to make you smile that pretty smile of yours.

But at the same time, I also wanna remind you that even if things don't go as planned, even if it seems like your efforts didn't pay off in the end, it's all gonna work out. I'm gonna be here for you no matter the result, and I know (you do too, I'm sure of it) that it'll all be fine. It might sound cliché, but it's the truth. One single exam isn't gonna determine your fate, no matter how hard anyone tries to tell you otherwise.

You're the smartest, most hardworking person I know of, and it always amazes me how you manage to do so well despite juggling your internship and your studies. You manage to do justice to them both, and that's proof enough that you're one hell of a strong, determined soul. So stop fretting, and take a deep breath. Then take another, and another, until you feel calm enough and until you're smiling.

And then I want you to eat your breakfast, and get ready with a calm mind. I'd rather you don't look at your books now, because it's just gonna make you worry again. But it's totally up to you, because I know you're gonna worry anyway.

Call me up right before you enter the exam hall, I wanna be the last person who's voice you hear before stepping foot into the room. I want you to hear me tell you that I love you, and that I'm proud of you, always.

Now go and break a leg, and I'll see you later.

Love,

Your dork, Heeseung

#heeseung #heeseung fluff #enhypen #enhypen fluff #heeseung x reader #sunghoon #sunghoon fluff #jay #jay fluff #Jake #Jake fluff #sunoo #sunoo fluff #jungwon #jungwon fluff #niki #niki fluff

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cherryslyce · 1 year

Note

Oh Cherry lovely you made me cry!!! I can’t believe it’s actually over, what are we all going to do with ourselves now?

I was so happy reading every word, I’m glad that everyone go the happy ending that they deserved. Including the Slytherins! They’re unfairly left out in a lot of fics so it’s really nice to see them get their happy ending, especially with how integral they were to the story.

The reader getting postcards from Anders is so sweet omg, and when the reader dedicated their research to the Fiskes it was so nice. Remembering how mad I was when Anders wanted to take all the credit for the findings to them refusing to be mentioned- that’s character growth! They definitely deserved that dedication note.

It’s also so sweet seeing Sirius living his domestic life of losing his mind over wardrobe instruction manuals, after all he’s been through he deserves a life where that’s his only problem! And the lion table cracked me up he is SUCH a Gryffindor.

And of course my babies! Reader and Regulus living the dream life! If Reggie deserves anything it’s to live a quiet life in a beach house with a pretty flower garden, and I’m glad he gets that! I’m also happy to see that the two are still so sickly in love with each other, we love to see it!

And oh- oh my god- Cherry you simultaneously broke and healed my heart in one go with that note. I remember having to stop reading for a few minutes when I first read Reggie’s diary entry asking what love felt like because I needed to cry but then he gets to fall in love! And he gets to tell his younger self ‘hey! It’s gonna be okay! You’ll get there one day!’ He’s just achieved so much and I’m so proud of him and omg I’m so in love with this fic.

I’ve said it a few times lately but I really do hope you’re proud of yourself for this fic, the time, effort and care that you put into it shines through every word you write and it’s created a truly beautiful and distinctive story that I and a lot of others will remember for a long time to come. Thank you for bringing us this incredible story and I really look forward to what you bring us next! <3

My dear!! My love!!

Thank you so much for everything <33. I can't believe that it's over either, and it is so strange that I no longer have to sit down and write a new chapter ! I really have such a soft spot for the Slytherin group, and they truly deserved their happy ending !

And yesss, the postcard!! I honestly was really debating on where I wanted the Fiske's to be, and somehow settled for the states LOL. Anders‘ character arc is something to behold, and I'm feeling a bit sad that we have to say goodbye to our grumpy mentor.

Sirius is kind of a mess, but at least he's trying!! Harry is definitely in charge of sifting through Sirius‘ questionable furniture choices, and he's right, where would they put a lion table??

Reggie and reader deserve their little beach home so much <333. They definitely lived happily ever after, and I perhaps am guilty of making their property a reflection of what I desire for myself. Sigh, I am going to miss those lovesick fools </3

Reggie's diary entry was heartbreaking to write, so I could not imagine how it must have felt to read it! I know it hurt everyone, so of course I had to make the ending super sweet with a sprinkle of poet!Regulus. Regulus‘ inner child is healing with every passing day, and I am going to pretend that this happy ending is canon for the actual HP universe.

You have truly been one of my greatest motivators on this blog, so I just want to thank YOU, because you are truly so amazing!! I am so happy with the final result of the story, but I am even more overjoyed with the connections and interactions I've had throughout the journey here! It has been my honor to write this story, and it has been the greatest gift to have you shower me with kind words. I hope that you will enjoy what's to come, lovely <333. Thank you!

#owl <3 #custard<3

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datturtle · 1 year

Text

For as long as I can remember, there's been a voice in the back of my head that's constantly telling me what I'm doing wrong, and what I should be doing instead.

It feels like I have a permanent Filipino mom installed in my subconscious. Whenever I have something that I know I need to do, the voice in the back of my head tells me I should stop what I'm doing right now and just do that thing instead, stop wasting time.

Even when I'm just trying to relax and do some thing W that I enjoy, that voice in the back of my head gets even louder. It tells me I don't deserve to enjoy myself. Why haven't I done X, Y, or Z yet? How can I even live with myself like this?

So I go ahead and try to do X. But when I do, I'm constantly distracted. I'm second-guessing my ability to do it properly, and overanalyzing my every attempt at doing X. Then I ultimately fail to do X. The voice in my head tells me I shouldn't be having this much trouble with this at this point, am I really 28 years old? What a sorry fucking excuse for an adult. I keep making such stupid mistakes, and REPEATING these same mistakes. I don't think I'll ever learn how to do this properly.

I have put off doing Y for a long while, and the voice in the back of my head gets even louder.

Why have you been putting off doing something so simple? Just go fucking do it, you idiot. This is why you never get anything done, because you take so long thinking about doing Y without actually doing it. What are you preparing for? You're gonna fail anyway, so why even bother planning so much? You're hopeless.

So I finally do Y, and I feel momentary relief. But then the voice gets smug.

Wow, that took you long enough. See, you could do it after all. If only you just listened to me earlier, then this wouldn't have been such a big deal. Why don't you just do what I tell you to do, when I tell you to do it? You're so difficult. You already know I'm right.

My mood is sour. I don't even feel like doing Z anymore. I'm not even confident in my ability to do it, and now I'm exhausted just thinking about it. It's better that I don't even try, and wait till I'm in the right mindset to tackle it.

And the voice goes,

Wow, you're really gonna use that excuse again? You're tired? What have you even done? You've failed at doing X, barely accomplished doing Y, and you're not even gonna start on Z? You're gonna wait for the right mindset? Okay, so when is that happening? Because it sure as hell has managed to escape you for the longest fucking time. You don't have the right to take it easy right now. You'll never catch up at this rate. You're just a fucking waste of oxygen, you know that? Other people don't even struggle this hard doing such a simple task. Look at the people you know. Do you think they struggle with doing Z? No, because they've all grown up. They learned to do that on their own so long ago. But you? You're nothing but a fucking child in a man's body. You let your fear of failure control your whole life. You're just a loser who refuses to look reality in the face, who ignores his own problems and keeps finding all sorts of excuses not to do the things you know you have to learn how to do on your own. You're not a victim, you're just a coward. You're fucking cringy. You're embarrassing. You're disgusting. I hate that I have to live in such a shitty, half-assed life. You're just wasting your time. You never get anything done. You always let people down. Especially those close to you, who just want you to get better. What results do you have to show for all that effort you told them you were putting in? Huh? Why do you keep letting them down? Do you actually not care about them? You're really gonna make excuses when so many people are counting on you to get better? You even started to make a list of all the things you have to do, so you wouldn't forget. So you can't even use that excuse anymore. So what is it, huh? Tell me, why won't you just fucking do what you're SUPPOSED TO DO?

I've had it with this voice. So I just choose to ignore it, and do whatever I want to do. But the more I try and ignore it, the louder it comes roaring back, when I least want to hear it.

I decide to try and finally enjoy W. But it's different this time. That guilt in the back of my mind has grown 10x larger, and it's only getting worse. Now I hear the voice in the back of my head judge me at the games I'm playing.

Wow, this is something you're doing for fun, right? Why are you so bad at it? If you can't even get good at the things you're trying to enjoy, why even bother? You're wasting your time. If you're gonna spend time getting better at something, at least spend it on learning to do something that will actually improve your life.

Okay, there goes my relaxation. But maybe I have a point there. So I decide to channel some of that energy into getting good at journaling. After all, it's something that I've been wanting to do for a while anyway.

But I have slip-ups from time to time. Whoops, voice is back.

You're so inconsistent with your journaling, are you even trying? It takes 30 days to establish a habit, but you've failed half a month into the new year. It's like you don't even care about getting better. This clearly isn't working out for you, so why don't you just give up and save yourself the trouble? Hey, with all this time you spent on getting better at journaling, why didn't you spend that time and energy on Z? You could've been done with it by now.

It's like I can never win with this voice. It's an endless hate machine, that does nothing but cast judgment. It never acknowledges what I do right, and it has a seemingly endless amount of energy to point out what I do wrong. Whenever I accomplish anything I set out to do, instead of feeling a sense of satisfaction, I just feel relief. Relief that I don't have to worry about doing that thing. And then go on to doing the next thing.

It's an endless cycle with no mental reward, that I think has ultimately led to me burning out. I want to change it. But whenever I do try to change it, I end up thinking I just want to rip that part of me out entirely. And that never ends well. It ends up coming right back, manifesting in ways that I least expect--sometimes even externally, directed towards the people I care about. I hate that the most.

I've come to understand that I don't need to necessarily discard this voice. It can be useful at times. I just need to learn that I will always have these types of thoughts, they're a part of me that I just need to accept. I don't have to let these thoughts inform my actions. But that's much, much easier said than done.

Yeah, considering how much trouble you had just doing Z, good luck trying to get rid of me. I'm the voice that's gotten you this far, after all. You're nothing without me.

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sack-thing · 11 months

Text

I said I had this thought of Luu Kah cutting his hair with one of Ramsey's dagger (reference used is definitely FFIX Dagger for the first pic lol).

And I made up some non-canon scene with it. End of year 4, back at home, Ramsey's been saved and the both of them have been reunited for a few weeks or maybe months etc. Luu Kah is happy and all of that. Sometimes Ramsey's a bit down and Luu Kah's here for support. Anyway here goes. (Made little effort to make this well written sorry, but there are other things on my plate that deserve more time and energy.)

- - -

"You know... You've changed."

Ramsey's words made Luu Kah raise an eyebrow before he glanced at him. "How so?"

"I think you're more open with your feelings. I mean, you show that you care... More than before, I feel," Ramsey replied.

Luu Kah frowned at him and smirked, feeling the embarrassment grow. Ramsey took a look at him and seemed to notice.

"I'm not saying it's wrong," Ramsey resumed. "I wasn't expecting the change, but I appreciate it. And I appreciate your support."

Luu Kah looked away and scratched his head. "Well, that's... That must be because of what happened to you." He lowered his arm and and grabbed both of his knees with his hands. "But I'm still the same as ever, you know. Except maybe I've built up a little more muscles."

Luu Kah flexed his arm, which made Ramsey laugh. "Well, can't deny it," the latter said.

Luu Kah glanced at him again before his lips turned into a flustered smile. As he looked away, a breeze ruffled his untied hair and he wiped some strands away from his face.

"Have I really changed?" Luu Kah wondered, just before a stronger blow resulted in his hair covering all of his face, making him growl. Ramsey looked at him and snorted. Luu Kah blowed on the strand of hair covering his mouth.

"Damn, I need to do something about that. I've been thinking about cutting my hair for a while..." he said.

"Really?" Ramsey asked.

Luu Kah had been putting off the task out of laziness. If he was going to do it, he wanted it to be fast. Just thinking of taking a pair of scissors and struggling to cut the hair from the back of his head was annoying. If he could just be done in the blink of an eye with something more efficient...

Luu Kah glanced at the small sheath tied to Ramsey's leg. Here was his solution.

"Hey, can I borrow one of those daggers I gave you?" Luu Kah asked.

"Uh, sure." Ramsey pulled a dagger from its case and handed it to Luu Kah. "But tell me, you're not going to..."

Luu Kah took the dagger, got up from the bench and made a few steps away from Ramsey. He stood in front of the water stream and looked at the sun reflections on the surface before gathering his hair in a ponytail with one hand. He raised the dagger with the other and placed the cutting edge just below the ponytail.

"Time for another little change," Luu Kah announced.

With a swift move upward, he cut through his hair with the blade. Once again, the wind blowed and ruffled his now short hair strands. Luu Kah lowered his arms, holding his cut hair in his left hand. He turned on his feet to look at Ramsey with a grin and gestured at his hair with the tip of the dagger.

"So? How is it?"

Ramsey stood up in the meantime and was staring at him with his mouth open, until he smirked eventually.

"It's pretty uneven, but it doesn't look bad considering how you got that done," Ramsey replied.

"Heh, I'll just ask Gan Noo to take care of the details."

Ramsey laughed and Luu Kah stared at him for a moment before walking in his direction.

It was so good to see Ramsey's smile and to hear his laugh again. Luu Kah handed the dagger over to him and their hands brushed when Ramsey took it.

It was so good to feel his touch, too.

Right. Now he was sure that the way he felt about Ramsey had changed, too.

#luuram #hahaha just a cheesy thing bc i can #luu kah does have a haircut at the end of y4 in canon but his brother is in charge of it from the start lol #also wanted to draw ramsey but i'm out of practice and he's too hard to draw lmao #actually i have a thing for long haired luu kah these days #and i want to draw stuff but time is lacking

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mirrorballwhoistrying · 7 months

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I Made It Out of September (01.10.23)

We're really in the end game now. Can't believe it's already the last quarter of 2023. I don't know where to start. I thought I could have a breakthrough every month but life isn't like that.

At the start of this month, I started posting about Studio Ghibli posts. I can't believe it took me this long. The engagement was okay but I'm not sure how followers feel seeing my posts are just so random.

I also attended the Berk Chet Exhibition and P delivered the news that he was selected for AAS. I mean hearing the efforts he put into making it happen, I guess he well deserves it, but for real every time I hear about people's achievements, there is always a tiny bit of me feeling like I'm not good enough. Why can't I recognize that we all have different timelines and paths to live?

The closing ceremony of the YSEALI SUMMIT 2022 small grant catalyst also happened. Nothing much was going on. I just made it through without making any remarks, unlike a certain senior.

I also attended the training camp writing for Erasmus+ and met B Sakal, Virak, Bank... Funny how my life is really a joke. 2 of the 3 courses I wanted to apply, to were out of funds this year.

YSEALI AFP and Chevening also opened their applications. It's like deja vu like last year. The funny thing I feel like it's the first time ever that I was not motivated to apply to AFP. Or maybe that's what I tried to tell myself? Until the result is out and I beat myself up again?

The 2nd half of September went astray. I helped b KL organize the workshop. It was so messy and was kind of expected, but what can I do? I wasn't available enough either. At least it was over. I also declined to go to Prosob fashion. I guess the Relief of Missing Out? I'm just not in the mood to stress about my clothes to go to a public event for 2 hours.

My plans for the videos on my page also went astray. I had to shift my focus to work on m4i work as we're on the final project. Having a freeriding, irresponsible teammate didn't help either. I was so frustrated. I broke the information to the team of m4i about the crack inside the team as well.

I finally decided to resign in the next 6 months. I'm going to break the news this week. The mental health fellowship was also going great. The public speaking I couldn't forget about it. I finally put my skills to use.

The last 2 weeks have been really hectic for real. I've been staying up past midnight for a couple days to finish the applications. Is it what I'm supposed to do forever?

The past 2 weeks, I've felt better physically as well. I cut down my sugar intake in my coffee and cut down my fatique. Did I really lose 5 Kg out of nowhere?

If there's one phrase I wanna carry on into this last quarter is, I'm not my feeling, I'm not my thought, I am my action.

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theartblockcentral · 8 months

Text

He's proposing in October to his girlfriend

He's proposing to his girlfriend in October.

Genuinely, I've had such big feelings for this man since I met him. I KNEW he had a girlfriend, I was incredibly delusional because he was everything I ever wanted in a guy, he's smart, caring, handsome as ever, and he was NEVER mine.

This is the thing, until yesterday, I was struggling to even commit to a job application. I am going into my final year at uni, and I have to get a job, and the opportunity has come up for me to be an assistant at a famous artist's studio. It'd be my big break- I finally did apply, but it took me almost a full week to send it in. I was so sure I could've been doing it to impress my parents that I was afraid to commit. I was afraid of even committing to my own big break in my career, and yet, I seemed to be so sure about my feelings about this guy I only knew for 6 months.

I know my life is starting to go somewhere: this isn't even the first engagement announcement today! A friend (ish) from year 7 has gotten engaged. How is everyone so sure about everything? I know I'm not meant to be looking for commitment right now. In fact, I don't even want to, but once it gets to this point where people are able to find joy and achieve what they want in life at the same time, it makes me wonder where my balance is. I wish to be single, become a great artist, or actress, or something of note, and settle in mayyyybe late twenties to thirties. I'm at the point in my life where I don't feel pressure to be in a relationship, and I feel validated by my own single life. The only problem is having moments that hit my core like this and remind me that people have their own stories and lives. I'm not going to stop them. The memories I've made for them are just memories, and I'm not a part of their present. I spent all this time on exchange making my feelings known, and it felt like a massive breath of fresh air, but now it's as though the things I want are just so far off from me that I can't picture them. I could picture him, I could see him, he seemed like an achievable something.

In the end, I guess it's like this: I need to commit to myself. Let things go and keep moving. I'm in a new place, I'm ready to work for myself, and I am the most important thing in my life. I deserve lovely people, and I need to learn that I can love people and not have to be in love with them.

Currently listening to Speak Now by Taylor Swift, whisper-screaming. I'm a whole different level of delusional! But it's okay, From my last relationship ending, I know now that, if I learn to put that level of emotional effort in for others into myself, the results are great.

Still a bit heartbroken though. Ha, ha, haaaaaaa.....

#blog #artists on tumblr #i feel sick

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diaryoftheunidropout · 1 year

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THE BEGINNING

I have been fantasizing about making this post for days now. Perhaps, subconsciously, for years.

I will be dropping out of university. It's very likely that in a couple of hours I'll be sending the administration an email saying "it's over".

I still speak as if all of this was hypothetical because I am scared. Scared of making such a life-changing decision, and scared of making a mistake. I feel like an impostor for dropping out. It is quite simple: the second I decided to drop out, I felt immense relief. Except that, since, my brain has been trying to convince me that this "relief" only proves I am well enough to keep going to university. When really, this very relief comes from not going to university any longer. Weird, I know. Are you still following?

Maybe you deserve to know a little more about me, after all. Hi. I'm 18 and I moved to Paris, well, today. Literally today. I used to live in a town very close to Paris, to which I moved in September 2022, so, 6 months ago. Before that, I lived in the French countryside, where I grew up. I came to Paris because 1) it was one of my biggest dreams considering I love this city with my whole heart, and 2) for my studies at university. I'd chosen a degree I was sure I was going to love, something that would be a perfect balance between my two favorite school subjects: foreign languages, and economics. I knew with deep certainty I was finally going to be happy, after spending two out of my three high school years deep in depression and struggling almost every single day.

At first, I loved going to uni. I woke up happy every single day, the days were passing by so fast because of how interested I was in all of my classes. And after a month, in the span of 24 hours, it's like these first few weeks had been some kind of dream or hallucination, and I was left seeing a very grim and dark reality: I really wasn't happy. I could be a lot happier. This wasn't my path.

I dismissed the feeling at first, hoping it would pass. But it never did. Instead, it just got worse and worse. The semester ended and soon enough, I found out that I was top of my class. I spent my entire days on my phone, not paying any attention to the classes. And still, I got better grades than all of the hard-working students around me. I have no idea how I did it. And I know most would think that "it's such a shame" if putting so little effort into uni has still given me such good results.

But is all of this worth suffering and feeling miserable almost non-stop? Do I not deserve to listen to my own voice and put my health before my studies for the first time in my life? These past few weeks, I've been sinking deeper and deeper. I skipped a whole week of university, while in high school I hadn't skipped a single day (if you don't count the part of the story where my father dies, and that one time the government made me go to some kind of compulsory patriotic class, of course).

I know I'm progressively losing myself. I can't bear to remain in a situation where I harm myself in all kinds of ways and where I never give myself a chance to just be happy.

I want to believe I deserve some peace. Maybe even some happiness. But right now, all I feel is a terrible guilt for putting myself first. And perhaps some fear too.

Today, I want to save myself. I want to be my own savior.

"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not in the branch, but in its own wings."

#university #drop out

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zhifiri · 1 year

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Semester 7! (and many other things that happened)

Can't believe I leave tumblr for three semesters! Still remembers the last time I wrote on this page was during the fourth semester, now I'm in my final year of uni!

So, three semesters have passed...

What was happening back then?

Well, I must say, a lot! A lot of things were happening back then.

I had my undergraduate thesis proposal seminar in May. Not a very exciting experience but still, my proposal was accepted! It wasn't tough to work on my proposal because my lecturer was setting a target each week so I must work on that regularly. I was (and am) pretty satisfied with my thesis, I brought up an excellent topic about Marxism! What a challenge for someone who never gives a damn about economics! But well, I wrote it as a tribute to my people, the working class, cheers!

Then I delayed my proposal progress because I went to KKN (as a requirement to graduate) in my hometown, Pekalongan. To summarize, KKN was pretty fun. Met many new people from different majors and cities, lived together for nearly two months with those people and got into a bit of drama (what's life without drama anyway!) Creating a bond with the locals has never been so fun. I had the chance to connect and help the people with their needs, the kids were also lovely, I made a friend with this one kid named Reza, how I miss him :(

Those were the two major events that happened while I'm away from tumblr (accidentally excluding the Bali holiday just because it deserves a special tribute, later) and I'm excited to be back!

After leaving my thesis dying for almost three months, I finally started to work on my thesis in September. And I moved to Jogja again! For the sake of my thesis, I moved to Jogja in September because I need the resources and the focus to work on this. I thought that working on my thesis at home is hard because there are a lot of distractions that slow me down.

Moving to Jogja added pressure on me, in a good way, because I don't really have anything else to do but work on my thesis. Seeing my friends also work on their thesis also motivates me (and makes me jealous), and as a result, I work harder on mine. And Jogja is always a home to me so I really love my life in Jogja<3

So how do I feel about skripsi (thesis)??

Mixed feelings, honestly. I am excited to graduate yet sad to think that I only come back to uni again just to leave it :( Really, the pandemic sucks. I waste my two years of uni for NOTHING :(

I always had the fear of skripsi in my mind even before I started working on it, and I guess that mindset really influences me in now. Sometimes I feel burdened by skripsi but other times I enjoy myself doing skripsi. I am trying hard to have discipline in doing my skripsi, I try to make a progress every single day.

Thinking about it, I realize that doing skripsi is actually not that hard if you're not taking it as a burden. I'm working on implementing the mentality that, skripsi is just like the other papers I've done throughout my uni years, what's the difference? The only difference is that I put more effort to skripsi because it is my final masterpiece, the result of my four years of studying. I really wish this skripsi of mine really turns out to be my masterpiece of mind.

Please wish me much much much good luck, I hope I can graduate next semester. Ciao!

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