#That's what's truly important here after all

[salaimoi]

first story from my new, ongoing series: talk to me nice. feel free to leave any constructive criticism! (I can handle it, unlike Gojo)

"Look, I didn't ask for your stupid advice, so don't pretend like you know everything."

Gojo hissed at you, nearly popping a vein from how smug you were being right now.

The only thing you suggested was that he stop dressing like somebody’s grandpa all the time – he had a physique carved by the gods themselves, why not put it to use? Such a waste, honestly.

"Mm~ whatever. So sassy," you replied, followed by an eye roll violent enough to nearly cause your eyes to fall clean off your skull. “Ever heard of constructive criticism?”

"Yeah, yeah. You know, instead of just giving me advice all the time, why don't you compliment me for once? You know, say something nice about me — it's not that hard. "

"Me? Compliment you? Gojo please. Unless you wire me every single yen in your bank account, you won't hear a single praise come out of this mouth.”

Even though he himself felt very frustrated right now, he couldn't stop himself from enjoying the banter – so much so that he would begin to grin as he tried to control himself from bursting out laughing. You were playing a dangerous game here because he could actually make this deal happen, and you were perfectly aware of that — but despite that, you were still trying to push his buttons and he’d make you eat your words because of it.

"You know what, I think I will actually do just that. So let me ask you, what happens when I send over every yen in my bank account, will you genuinely compliment yours truly?" he smirks in that usual arrogant manner, growing more and more interested by the second. "I better get my money’s worth, you know."

Still thinking he was bluffing, you replied, "Obviously. But you only get one compliment."

"Humm~ fine, and it better be the most heart shattering compliment in the history of compliments — soul crushing even. Now, I'll go ahead and transfer you the money," he paused for a moment before remembering something rather important. 

"I need your bank account number to wire the money."

"W-wait … you're not serious are you?”

"Why would I lie? I’m serious about this and you'll also be serious about your part, got it? So I need that bank account number now."

"Are you insane!? I was only kidding, genius!"

"Maybe I am, but I'm doing this because I really want your compliment. So don't try to discourage me because for every minute we spend arguing here, I'm losing my patience.”

And it wasn’t like he needed your flattery; he just wanted to hear you sing his praises as a contrast to your usual behavior. You were always so cold and apathetic around him, but he knew that wasn’t the real you — and he took it upon himself to reveal the side you buried under that stoic facade. 

“So just tell me your bank account number and I'm going to transfer the money to your account right now — the full 59 billion."

Your body froze in utter shock as you realized he was dead serious. Straightening yourself on the mattress, your mouth hung wide open — staring at him in disbelief. The realization of it all was enough to cause one of your eyes to twitch in perplexity.

"Gojo you must've lost your mind if you think I'm gonna accept that,” you scoffed at how insufferable he really was, but secretly loving every second of it. "Who in their right mind would spend ¥59 billion on one compliment?"

"Only people who can afford it, of course,” he smirks cynically, tossing his phone up into the air just for it to land right back onto his palm. “If you ask me, ¥59 billion is too small a price for a compliment directly out of that pretty mouth of yours.” 

“You’re insufferable. For fucks sake, you should have a mental disorder named after you.”

“But you can't actually deny that I'm pretty charming, can you? You might not show a hint of  affection, but I think it's pretty obvious that you like my insufferable attitude. Or are you gonna deny that you don't?"

He unlocked his phone, opening the banking app and going into the transfer section.

You didn’t hesitate to smack the phone out of his hand, causing it to fall down on the bed. 

"Satoru, are you even listening to me!!??"

"Heh~ you're actually quite impressive when you finally get serious. You were really quick there with that tiny hand of yours.”

“This tiny hand of mine will be enclosing around your neck until you’re out of oxygen if you continue to act like an unsupervised child with access to money.”

His expression was thoughtful for a few seconds before he pointed at you, flashing his pearly whites.

"You know, you're actually pretty attractive when you get all aggressive like that. It really looks cute on you. I don't know if I can actually handle someone who's this much of a pain in the ass but still has a cute side to her."

He chortles, leaning back on the headboard before continuing, "See? That’s how you compliment someone, wasn’t that hard now was it? Now you do it.”

Your eyes narrow, two fingers rubbing at your temples as you contemplate the situation.

"You know what. Fine. If you want to recklessly spend your money like this, I'll give you what you want. No comment until I see that money in my bank account, though."

This reply made him burst out laughing, his grin becoming a bit bigger and he began to speak with a playful tone.

"Alright, if you say so. But just remember, it'll be too late to back out after I've already sent the money…”

[One new notification: direct deposit from Gojo Satoru received. New balance: ¥59,000,000,000.024.]

"..."

“Don’t you have anything to say?”

"...you have nice eyes?"

"..."

"..."

“I want a refund right this instant, y/n.”

#talk to me nice 𐙚🧸ྀི #ALSO FIRST TIME USING Y/N I FEEL SO WEIRD #help idk how to feel about the dialogue colors😭😭 #for some reason I feel like it’s overwhelming?! #what do we think?? #gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x y/n #gojo satoru fluff #jujutsu kaisen satoru #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #satorugojo #satoru gojo

[pit-and-the-pen]

I'll Crawl Home to Her- Chapter 1

A/ N:I’m horrible at exposition so bare with me through this one. It feels a little clunky to me but this sets up a lot for the rest of the series. This is also the longest thing I’ve written outside of my senior thesis so… I have this series fully planned out and now that I’m back from vacation I should be able to work on it a lot more. 

Anyways, let me know if you want to be added to the taglist for it! 

Warnings: Spring court slander (implied trauma), nightmares. Drinking. I think that’s all but feel free to let me know if I should add anything! 

Wc- ~10k

Previous part: here

We’re coming home. 

I ran up to my brother. Desperately pulling on Rhys’ arm and I felt him stumble back into me. He remained frozen, eyes locked on the female in front of him. Her and Rhys were clearly in the middle of a very intense conversation. But I wanted to go home. When I shouted Rhys’ name, his head flickered to me before looking back at Feyre. I saw his body tense, eyes going wide and it was instinct that had me grabbing his arm and winnowing us to Velaris.

The smell instantly calms me in a way I haven't felt in fifty years. Once my vision had fully focused, 

“She’s my mate”, nothing above a whisper. My head snapped over to him. Mate. That explained his reaction. I felt the guilt in my stomach at pulling him away from Feyre. My arms are already reaching to pull Rhys towards me into a hug. As my arms wrapped around him, he sobbed into my shoulder.

This wasn’t the Rhys I had come to know under the mountain. Sob after sob left his mouth and his precious wings dropped to the ground. I knew this was more than the reaction of a male who had his mate taken from him. This was my brother who had to watch his mate be in love with someone else after years of suffering. The cauldron had finally granted him a mate only to have her ripped away from him.

“I’m sorry” was all I could think to say. So many reasons for being sorry. Sorry for all he went through. Sorry for not being strong enough to stop it. Sorry that the female the mother had chosen for him was in love with the High Lord of Spring, and had willingly died for him. Sorry that I stole away what little time he had spent with her. 

Rhys let out another sob against my shoulder and it shook me to my core. I have heard him cry over Amarantha many times but seeing him break over Feyre was enough for me to want to march to spring and drag her to Velaris. But she wouldn’t want that. I know Rhys would have my head on a spike if I even offered. 

We both turned around at the sound of the door opening. Mor stood in silence, eyes scanning over us. Noticing our embrace. She stepped up to us and a soft smile crossed her face. 

“Tell me about your mate, Rhys.”

That was all it took for the flood gates to open. We did more than recall the details about the last few months. Rhys and I cherry picking only the most vital and important details. We kept a few things close to our chests. Those would stay our nightmares alone, Mor didn’t need to be haunted with our ghosts as well. 

Mor sat patiently before she finally interrupted. “She’s really dead?” Rhy freezed at the mention of Amarantha. I lightly placed a hand on his shoulder and answered for him. “Yes. But I don’t think this is over.” Mor just nodded sharply, looking at I both before she launched herself at both of I, arms coming up to wrap around my brother and myself. 

“If either of you ever do something that stupid again, I’ll kill you myself.” Her voice didn’t hold any malice, instead it shook with tears. My heart jumped as I left the weight of her emotions wash over me. The pain in my chest tightened as I realized how much our absence has truly shaken our family. I knew, of course, but seeing it was entirely different. 

The three of us began to settle and I finally had time to get my bearings in the house. As I let the glow of the house wrap around I. A familiar scent caught my attention, and my whole body sang. My head whipped around, looking for the source of that pine and night air, looking for Azriel.  Cas too of course but Azriel was on the front of my mind.  

Mor’s smile tilted slightly. “They should be back soon.” She sighed “They just went to the camps to check on all of them” She paused, stumbling over words  “ when we got that message from you, someone thought the most important thing was letting the camp leaders know that they had a high lord to answer to again.” This didn’t surprise me at all. Of course they would want, need, to fill in the Illyrian warriors that were now back under Rhys command with his return, Cassian having to take over that helm by nature of his position. It would be a fight, but one for a different day. 

         I wanted nothing more than to see the rest of my family and responsibilities be damned. I wanted to see them now. It had already been almost 50 years and in theory another day wouldn’t hurt but the house felt empty without the loudness of Cassian’s voice booming. It felt cold without Azriel’s shadows stirring around. 

As if Mor could sense my unease, she lightly grabbed my wrist and started pulling me deeper into the house. “I have so many books I need to show you.” That was all it took for me to laugh. Mind reeling as I tried to remember the last time I had truly laughed. 

The library was just as I had remembered it. The smell of old parchment and leather filled the space. Fires kept the room warm and light and I wanted that feeling to sink down into my bones. 

Mor gave me the space to just absorb my favorite room in the house. Rhys had given me full reign over how it was decorated. Comfy chairs that could accommodate wings and backless chairs tufted with fabric that looked like they were made of stardust were spread over the large room. The heavy wooden desk I had put in was covered in stacks of books. 

“I put all the ones I knew you would like over there.” Mor spoke up when she saw my eyes lock on the countless books. I felt my throat tighten up with tears at the thought she must have put behind the seemingly small action. It wasn’t uncommon for Mor and I to swap books as we finished them. Mostly so we could sit and talk about them for hours together. Mor and I spent many nights on the couches I had put in, falling asleep with our respective books still clutched in our hands. 

Looking at the stacks, a rough count told me there had to be over a hundred books, easily. 

“Looks like I have some serious reading to do.” I laughed. She beamed a smile at me. 

“Those are just the ones I knew you would like,” She walked over to one of the bookcases in front of the desk. “These are all the others that I need you to read so I can scream about them.”

Three whole shelves in total. It would take me gods know how long to get through them. I voiced that much. Mor waved me off. 

“You have all the time in the world to read them. It doesn’t have to happen all at once, but I’m not letting anything happen to you again. You’ll have time to read them all.” Her voice was uncharacteristically soft. I turned to look at her and I saw the pink speckling her cheeks and right above her lips, the tell-tale signs that she was trying not to cry. I placed the book I had just picked up and threw my arms around her, squeezing her as tight as I possibly could. She nuzzled her head against my shoulder and all I could do was try to hold her tighter. 

By the time we pulled away from the hug, we were both a crying, giggling mess. I forgot how much I loved spending time with Mor. Regardless of how much I cared for my brothers, Mor and I were two sides of the same coin. Plus the boys wouldn’t sit and discuss the pure filth that tended to grace the pages of the books I devoured. 

“So, what one should I start with?” 

She all but squealed as she started flipping through the piles with me. We organized as we went. Placing them in piles of order that I should read them in. A few of the series I had been following had new installments that would most likely require a reread so those got placed on the back burner for the, now older, favorites she was dying to talk about. From there we were able to pick out one of her more recent favorites that had me itching to crack open immediately. She picked out one from her own pile across the room and the both of us settled into silence, the only sound was the fireplace cracking and pages turning. 

I don’t know how late it was when Rhys softly opened the door to sneak into the room. My eyes were starting to get dry from how little I was blinking, desperate to get through one more chapter before I called it a night. Something I had voiced to Mor about ten chapters ago. Mor who now was asleep on her own couch, her hair pooling over the edge almost touching the floor from the uncomfortable angel her head had fallen into. 

“The books will still be here after you’ve gotten some sleep,” Rhys said in a gentle mocking tone. Mor stirred slightly at his voice but remained sleeping. “Come on, I’d be an awful High Lord, and an even worse brother, if I let you fall asleep in the library on your first night home.” I nodded at his words. Truthfully, I couldn’t care less where I slept but for some reason, I could tell it mattered to Rhys. It would honestly be more normal for me to fall asleep anywhere but my room. Whether it be in the library or the large sectional in the living room or the comfy chairs on the rooftop, I rarely ever slept in my own bed. Rhys had ensured that every surface of the house was as comfortable as possible to account for this but I didn’t push or argue with him as I untucked my legs from underneath me and stood up. I debated leaving Mor to sleep but didn’t want her to wake up all alone. Reaching out a hand, I placed it on her shoulder and gave her a small shake. She groaned but opened her eyes anyway. 

“We’re being banished to our rooms.” I joked and pointed over the Rhys. She let out an even louder groan. 

“Overprotective bat.” Even Rhys laughed at her words. 

“Come on, before he carries us himself.” I held out a hand and I could see Mor contemplating just rolling back over and going back to sleep but she grabbed my hand. Pulling slightly, I helped her to her feet and she rolled her neck slowly. No doubt trying to work out whatever kink was starting to develop due to half of her head hanging off the thin couch. The three of us walked down the hallway to our rooms. Sleepily stumbling to doors. We reached Mor’s first and before she slipped in, she gave me another tiny hug and another to Rhys. 

“I love you guys,” Sleep was evident in the way she almost drunkenly stumbled over her words. I returned the sentiment and she was slipping into her bedroom, the door clicking shut behind her. 

Rhys and I stood outside her bedroom for a little longer, until we saw the light from under the door flicker out. Eventually, we continued walking until we got to my door. There was a slight pause as I turned the handle. Rhys and I would normally be curled up in my bed under the mountain by now. I vaguely thought about asking him to stay the night. Not that I think either of us were truly going to be able to sleep. As tired as I felt, I was afraid that if I closed my eyes for too long I was going to wake up and this was all going  to be a cruel dream.    

Rhys seemed to pick up on my hesitancy. “I can walk in with you. If you’re…”:

“Please.” I interrupted him. He gave me a soft smile and gestured for me to open the door. 

Nothing was out of place. The room smelt like my favorite perfume and when I looked around, there was no dust to be found. Someone had spent the time still cleaning the room while I was gone. I don’t know why that touched me as much as it did but as I looked around I felt all the unshed tears finally starting to take its toll. A sob ripped its way from my chest and Rhys’ arms were around me in an instant. 

He shushed me softly, rocking me slightly. “We made it. We’re free. We’re back home.” He repeated over and over until I had cried myself out. I pulled out of his embrace and wiped away the stray tears. Shaking my head at my outburst I muttered a thank you to my brother. 

“Try to get some sleep. I’ll be just across the hall if you need anything,” He says, placing a hand on my shoulder. I nodded and he gave me a sad smile as he walked out of the room. 

I wandered over to my dresser, fished around until I pulled out the first pair of pajamas I came across. I hastily pulled my clothes off and as I went to pull the nightgown over my head, I realized the layer of grim that was clinging to my skin. A bath was definitely needed before I climbed into my warm bed.        

The tub was already full and scalding hot by the time I had finished pouring in an obscene amount of oils and bath salts. Sinking in, I sighed out in relief as the heat enveloped me. Muscles in my neck and back released as I leaned my head against the edge of the tub. I picked up the sponge on the edge and started to wash myself off. After countless minutes of scrubbing, despite my raw skin I still didn’t feel clean. Huffing, I threw the sponge across the bathroom and pulled my knees up to my chest. I just sat curled up around myself until the water started to cool down. And it was still another handful of minutes before I could manage to pull myself upright and step out of the bath. I shivered at the temperature difference. Hugging my towel closer to my body, I quickly ran bacon into my room and threw the nightgown over my head. I burrowed underneath my comforter and tried to close my eyes. 

I tossed and turned until I started pleading with the mother, the cauldron, anyone that would listen to let me go to sleep. I was bone tired but everytime I closed my eyes something made me snap them open a few moments later. Every creek of the house had my ears prickling. Has the house always been this loud? I wondered how I never noticed it before. How I ever slept with all the noise. It was then I remembered that, if my room truly haven't been messed with since I had left, that I still had a sleeping tonic from when I had cracked a few ribs. Fae healing or not, ribs always were a pain to heal. Majda had given me a tonic to make me sleep so I could actually heal without Cassian making me laugh them out of place. I flung myself out of bed and padded over to my vanity. The small bottle of purple liquid still sat , half drank/ Uncorking it, I prayed that sleeping potions didn’t go bad and took a tentative sip. Fighting back a gag at the foul taste, I put the cork back on the top and walked back to my bed. The medicine had its desired effect. Not a minute later I felt my eyelids flutter close and  this time they stayed closed until I could sense the sun high in the air signaling the next day had come. 

Knocking on my door made me finally crawl out of bed. Goraning at having to leave the warmth, I flung open the door and was staring a slightly startled Rhys in the face. He held a small tray in front of him, stacked high with various foods. 

“I didn’t want to wake you up. You slept through breakfast and lunch and I  didn’t know what you would want so I brought a little of everything.” He spoke the words so fast that in my half awake state I struggled to keep up with them. I gestured for him to come in so he could place the tray on my bed. 

“Have you eaten?” I raised an eyebrow at him as I picked up a large strawberry.. His look told me that he had, in fact, not eaten. I pointed to my bed. “Sit and eat.” I barked, mouth full of strawberries. He laughed at some silent joke and picked up a piece of toast covered in some fruit jam. We were quiet as we ate, picking apart the platter he had brought in. Truly too much for one person to eat. Once we were both full, I wiped off my hands on my comforter and finished swallowing my last bite before I asked Rhys. “What do you have on the agenda for today?” He stilled and picked at a piece of lint on his sweater. 

“Not a lot. I’m trying to organize a meeting with the High Lords of the other courts to just debrief after everything.” He shrugged like that wasn’t going to be the hardest meeting to organize. “There are some young high lords and with all the aftermath of this…We just need to all talk this out.” I nodded along with him. The courts would need some time to bounce back after this but from the way things had seemed under the mountain, we didn’t have that time. As much as I prayed to be wrong about this, war was on the horizon and we would need to have the courts functioning as much as possible if we were going to stand a chance against Hyberns forces. Amarantha was just a taste of the power that he had, an experiment of sorts. 

Mor knocked on the open door before she walked in and plopped down next to Rhys. She took note of our stern faces but didn’t say anything. Instead, she swiped one of the sandwiches off of the tray and shoved half of it in her mouth in one bite. “You, me, library.” Was all she said before she turned on her heel and walked out of the room. 

“Well I know what you’re doing for the rest of the day.” Rhys laughed as I started to scramble to get dressed. I was about to start changing when I noticed he hadn't moved from his perch on my bed. “Get out!” I scratched at him and all but pushed him out of the door, slamming it shut behind him. His laugh echoed off the empty halls outside my door. 

In record time, I was running down the halls to the library. Mor was already sitting, her book curled against her chest. She didn’t look up from  her book as she pointed to the one I had abandoned last night. “Butt in chair, book in hand.” She said and I laughed at her tone. I walked over to my couch and picked up the book,  the spine slightly cracked from laying face down most of the day. 

I must have finally gotten to the juicy part of the book because I felt Mor Peering over the edge of her own book. My poker face was completely gone as I sunk in every word. “No. Absolutely not!” I screamed, rereading the last few pages to make sure I was seeing it correctly. 

“Did you finally get to..” I held up my hand to shush her. She laughed and threw one of the throw pillows at my head. I only put my book down long enough to catch the pillow, using it to now prop up my arms. Once I had confirmed I had not actually gone crazy, Mor and I started discussing the plot twist that had been the source of my outburst. She accidentally let a detail slip that had me scrambling back for the book, desperate to catch up to the point she had been talking about. This went on for hours until I saw her perk up. She turned to face me.

.

“They’re back.” Was all Mor said, still flipping through the book perched on her knees. I didn’t say anything else before I put my own book to the side and all but ran from the room. Her laugh bouncing off the walls behind me. 

I could smell him before I saw him. That deep cedar and cold rain smell that I could wrap myself in. Rhys tried to say something to him but stopped when he realized he no longer held his audience's full attention. Azriel’s shadows ripping across the room and curling around my feet like a small cat. I could have purred at the feeling, tears started to peek along the corners of my eyes at the familiar feeling. 

When I felt movement next to me, I felt momentary disappointment at the fact that Azriel was not standing in front of me. Strong arms wrapped around my middle and started to swing me in a circle, I felt joy so strong it almost hurt. Cassian sat me back down on my feet and when he went to speak, I wrapped my arms around him in return. We stood embracing each other, slowly rocking from foot to foot. 

“Missed you, Princess.” He muttered into my head. I just nodded, my cheek too squished against his chest to say anything. “I think Mor was going to kill us if she had to be the only girl living in the house. Amren can only handle so much damage control and the coward spent most nights at her apartment.” He nudged my shoulder as he spoke, pulling a laugh from me. It felt good to laugh again. My cheeks hurt in the perfect way at the smile that stretched over my face. 

A throat being cleared from across the room pulled my attention from Cassian. I could have melted into a puddle right then and there. Azriel stood in front of me, a true smile gracing his face. I squealed and rushed over into his arms. He didn’t swing me around like Cassian did, but he held me just as tight. It would have felt so right to crash my lips against his and he released me from his arms, but that wasn’t my relationship with Azriel. Those thoughts were nothing more than what I needed to make it through the events of the last fifty years. Azriel looked at me like I was a sister, nothing more. Rhys’ little sister on top of that. His high lord's little sister. He was the one who had coined my nickname centuries ago. When the trio first formed their own little band of brothers. I had gotten pulled in by proximity, Azriel said it one day and it had stuck ever since. “Hi Princess.” He said, tone polite but I could hear the joy behind them. I tried not to blush as I heard his voice. Shaking the things I had imagined that voice saying to me out of my head out, I mustered up a pathetic, “Hi, Az.” 

It had never felt this awkward around him. Cursing myself mentally for thinking of all the things I would say to him when I finally saw him again. None of those words made their way out of me as the two of us stared at each other. “I’m glad you’re home.” Was all he said his words short but I felt the sincerity leaking from them. Biting down the flutter in my heart,  I gave a short nod and wrapped my arms around myself. His eyes tracked the movement but didn’t say anything. 

Cass clapped a hand on his brother's shoulder, breaking the tension that I felt take over the room. “We’ll see you at training tomorrow,” I raised an eyebrow to him. “Don’t give me that look, I’m guessing you didn’t have time to… while you were gone. I can’t have my sister not able to defend herself. We would be the laughing stock of Pyrthian.” He smiled as I made a big show of rolling my eyes . 

So I joined them for training the next morning. And the next. Cassian slowly ran through the basics until I was nothing more than a mile of sore bones and sweat by the end of our sessions. I would shower and hang out with Mor. Rhys was suddenly very busy as he tried to catch up on all the events he missed in his court over the last fifty years. He made more and more trips to Hewn City, leaving Mor free to run around with me. Before I knew it a month had passed and all of us were sitting around the table for one of our family dinners. 

Jokes were flung around the table and no one noticed  the way Rhys and I sat back, sinking it all in. More than once I caught his eyes from across the table and all we could do was smile at each other. Is it bad to say that I missed this? I spoke into his head as Mor and Cassian had started raising their voices at each other, getting into a slight argument over some random events of the day. I did too. Even when we both flinched at the volume Cassian’s voice had risen too. Even Azriel had started to chime in before Mor shot him down with a withering look. I laughed despite myself at his expression. I shut up when that look was turned to me. 

The conversation fell into a natural lull and everyone was happily eating. Rhys hissed at something, shaking his arm that bore the bargain mark. Something must have prickled down the weird connection. 

“I still can’t believe you let her go with Tamlin.” Cassian said, stabbing something on his plate with a little more force than necessary. Rhys bared his teeth at his brother. 

“I didn't have much of a choice, now did I?” He slumped back into his chair, still rubbing his hand. “She already hated me because of this stupid bargain but if I had stolen away from the male she was willing to die for…”

“But Rhys. It’s Tamlin. No one would have slighted you, not after…” Cassian’s gaze flickered to me. As hard as I was trying to tune out the conversation, I still felt my chest tighten at their words. Rhys would have never taken Feyre without her permission, well at least outside of the bargain but we both knew that was simply a means to an end. Regardless of how much it must hurt to have another person he cared about over in spring, Rhys wouldn’t take that choice away from her, no matter how concerned he might be for  her safety. 

“How  was it seeing the brute again?” Amren asked and the table silenced. I froze and kept my gaze locked down at my plate. Suddenly losing my appetite completely.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I itched at my wrist, tugging at the fabric that felt too tight around my wrist. Azriel placed a comforting hand over mine. I flashed him a thankful smile.

“You haven’t wanted to talk about it for over a century.” She prodded. 

“And she shouldn’t have to if she doesn’t want to,” She took a breath like she was about to press the issue. “Why does it matter to you anyways?” Azriel hissed at her. Amren had the decency to take a hint and held up her hands in surrender, a smirk plastered on her face. 

We all sat in silence for the rest of dinner. Even Cassian knew better than to make any comments due to the tension in the air. Everytime he would go to say something, Rhys would shoot daggers at him. Eventually I got sick of it and threw my napkin down. 

“Fine. You want to know what it felt like?” I shouted at Amren. Everyone flinched. “I am terrified for that girl. Because I know what loving Tamlin does to someone. Seeing him felt just like you whenever someone mentions the prison.” She paled at my words and I didn’t spare her another look as I pushed away from the table, storming out. I know I would regret my words later but sometimes Amren needed a taste of her own medicine. She just loved to push everyone buttons because we were all too scared to really piss her off. 

I flung myself into my bed, still fully dressed. I groaned into my pillow. Apologies could wait until tomorrow. A knock from the door had me fighting back swears. Stomping over to the door, I ripped it open and a very startled Rhys was standing in the hallway, hand raised like he was about to knock again. 

“I wanted to check on you.” The high lord said.

“I’m fine” I gritted out and he raised an eyebrow at me. I let out a heavy sigh. 

“I know I shouldn’t have taken the bait but I don’t want to talk about him, right now or ever, if I can avoid it.” Rhys’ eyes held sympathy and he just contuined standing in the hallway, letting me rant. “I mean it’s been so long. I didn’t want to talk about it then. No one’s asking how you feel about Tamlin.” I paused and Rhys just shrugged. 

“If she’s happy with him, then it’s not my place to try to save her. If she wants to come here, then I’ll happily let her do that too.” 

I stared at him like he had gone crazy. “What about the bargain?” He shrugged again

“It was necessary at the time. I don’t actually plan on cashing in on it. She’d only hate me. More.” I could feel his despair. The self loathing held behind those words. 

“Rhys.” He shook his head.

“I’ll never take away her choice in this. Just because she’s my mate doesn’t mean I have a claim to her. Regardless of every nerve in my body screaming otherwise. It’s her life. She’s given more than enough to deserve whatever, whoever, makes her happy.” I went to hug him and he stepped out of my reach. “As much as I appreciate it, I don’t need your sympathy for making the right decision.” He tried to play it off as a joke but I knew he truly meant it. 

“Well if you ever want to talk about it…”

“Like how you want to talk about Tamlin.” He cut me off. My mouth set into a thin line and I took that as a dismissal of the conversation. Fine. I just wanted to crawl into bed anyway. 

“Well now that we’ve established that. Anything else you want to say, oh mighty High Lord.” 

“No.” 

“Good. Good night.” I said and swiftly shut the door in his face. I love my brother but he really knows how to get under my skin sometimes. I know deep down I’m mad because he called me out. I can’t expect him to pour his heart out to me when I won’t do the same thing. 

I threw the covered back and crawled in, still fully dressed. Mind reeling. I wouldn’t even know where to start with talking to anyone about Tamlin. And what good would it do? All of that was in the past and talking about it would only piss everyone off all over again. We had just barely avoided attacking the spring court when I came home. I don’t want to drag Feyre into this now that she’s there. 

I managed to finally fall asleep, tossing and turning. Dreams filled with deep swirling greens and the sound of growls. 

When I woke up in the morning I could tell it was later than normal. The sun is slightly higher in the air. Snapping out of my sleepy haze I cursed as I jumped out of bed. I was late for training and Cassian wasn’t going to let me forget that. 

Throwing on my clothes, mentally screaming at all the buckles on my training leathers. I knew not eating was going to come back to bite me in the ass but I simply didn’t have time as I sprinted through the house. In my haste, I passed a grinning Rhys. The events from last night seemingly forgiven as he taunted me. 

“Maybe he’ll consider this your warm up today.” I held up a crude gesture and he only laughed harder.  

I made it to the training rink in record time. My hands were on my knees as I panted. The stitch in my side was already screaming at me but I forced myself to stand up straight as Cassian sauntered over to me. The split in his lip told me Him and Azriel had gotten started without me. 

“You’re late, princess.” I flinched at his tone. He surveyed me. “I think double drills should be enough to make sure that doesn’t happen again. I cursed, I couldn’t get through the routine once without limping back to the house. Two would kill me and he knew it. 

“What are you waiting for? An invitation?” He held out his hand “Consider this it.” He stepped away from me, going back over to Azriel. I know Cassian wasn’t actually mad at me. He also knew that if he went easy on me, I wouldn’t take training seriously. I appreciated the routine of it all and I really did need it. So sighing I got started. 

I was halfway through my second set when Cas called me over. 

“Lesson learned?” He simply asked. I nodded. Still trying to take in breath. My muscles are screaming at me for still being vertical. 

“Good because Cas and I decided it’s finally time to step this up a notch. You’re almost the same as you were before. Now it’s time to get your powers involved. Relearn how to fight with those.” Azriel spoke. My stomach sank. This was something I hadn't considered. It was a stupid oversight on my part and I didn’t know how to get myself out of this so I responded with the truth. 

“I don’t have my powers.” 

“Okay, nice joke” Cassian cut in.

“I’m not joking. I can’t use them anymore.”

“What do you mean you can’t?” 

“I can’t use my powers” I grumble. “They’re still in there but it’s like I’m fighting against a wall.” Azriel raised an eyebrow at that revelation. 

“How do you know?” 

“I don’t know but all I know is I tried to use them… you know… And they wouldn’t come. Everyone had theirs back so I know it wasn’t the curse. So for whatever reason I couldn’t make them work.” It was embarrassing to admit. My powers had been the only truly useful thing I could rely on in the training ring. 

“Have you tried since then?” I nodded. Not so much of a glimmer of them since I came home. I told Cassian that much and he swore under his breath. 

“We could always take you to see Helion.” I shook my head at his words. 

“I don’t want to burden him with more problems. He has enough to do in his own court. I’ll figure it out, but for now I’ll just have to fight the old fashioned way.” 

Neither of the males in front of me seemed to be happy with my response but Cassian jumped right back in.

“Fine. But that means that you have a lot more training to do. If you had your powers you would be fine. But in just plain hand to hand combat, you’d get your ass kicked by anyone with any skill.” 

I glared at him but I knew he was telling the truth. Grabbing his arm, I pulled him into the center of the ring and tossed him one of the training swords. Heavy but they wouldn’t do nearly as much damage when he hit me. 

“Do your worst then.” Was all I said before he charged at me. 

“You’re sloppy.” Cassian barked as he knocked the sword out of hand again, again. I held my wrist as it twisted at a weird angel. My cheeks heated with anger and I went to wipe the sweat that had formed on my brow with my other, only to find it just as damp. I recoiled in disgust and Cassian laughed again. 

“You try getting your shit kicked in for fifty years and see how you bounce back.” I spoke and I saw his face pale. Shit. “Joking Cas, it’s okay.” 

I shook my head. “I am sloppy. And that’s why I’m still training with your annoying ass. You’ll have me back in tip top shape.” He relaxed slightly, but his shoulders still wouldn’t lower. 

I sighed and did the only thing I could think of as he turned away from me. I jumped onto his back, being mindful of his wings and pulled him down to the ground. The air left his lungs in a whoosh as I took us both onto our sides, I quickly bounded to my feet, ignoring the sting in my side from the impact. 

“Come on you big Illyrian baby.” I raised my arms slightly in front of me and a flicker of something crossed Cassian's face and I saw him make the decision to play along. To pretend that this was just a normal day of training. He leapt to his feet with a surprising amount of grace. 

“If you want a fight, you got it princess” He said with a smirk. We both stood in the middle of the training ring, circling each other, waiting  for the other to make the first move. Swords forgotten off to the side. I saw the slight twitch of his left side and I made the choice to ignore the fake out, and went to block my right side. It was the right choice, the blow aimed toward my right side bounded off my forearm, it still stung but at least it didn’t put me on my ass like it would have had it made contact. I grabbed his wrist and twisted his arm back, pulling him closer towards me and pushing on his back. He only stumbled for a second before he regained his footing. That kick had put me off balance more than I anticipated and it was easy for Cassian to grab the leg that lowered too slowly, grabbing my ankle and yanking me to my stomach. I yelped at the contact. He laughed loudly as I held my hand up in surrender. I rolled over onto my back with a groan. 

“Give me a few days back in training and I’ll have you on your ass, General.” He laughed even harder.

“In case you forgot, princess, you could barely do that even on your best days. Give yourself more time.” 

“A week.” I responded with my own laugh. Whatever I had done, it worked. Cassian’s shoulders had fully relaxed and I noticed the smile gracing his face finally reached his eyes. I noticed Azriel starting a few feet away. I sat back on my elbows, propping myself up. “Want a round, Az?” I teased and was rewarded by him rolling those big hazel eyes. 

“I think you’ve hurt yourself enough for today.” Was all he said before he turned to stalk away  from the ring. I laid back down in the dirt of the ring at his retreating figure, sighing heavily. Cas comes to stand over me, offering me a hand up. I grab it, pulling myself up. 

“Give him some more time to come around. This was harder for him than the rest of us.” He was suddenly serious. “He’ll get there, but you know him. Broody as they come.” He nudged me with his wing and I couldn’t help but chuckle at the gesture. I nodded in understanding and the pair of us walked back up to the house. 

This was harder for him than the rest of us. The words bounced around my head for the rest of the day. It makes sense. Azriel would have seen this as him failing. Not only failing me but his High Lord. Regardless of how hard everyone must have tried to comfort him, he would always blame himself, and only himself, for Rhys and I going under the mountain.  

It also explained why Azriel seemed to be avoiding me. Besides that first awkward meeting, he always managed to find an excuse to not be in the same room as me if he could avoid it. I’ve been home for almost a month now and I had hardly seen him. The few times I ran into him in the hall, he would quickly and politely brush me. Not saying anymore than a few words in greeting or response to a question I might have asked him. Be patient. I could do that. But it was hard to ignore the sting in my chest every time he brushed me off. We were practically joined at the hip before I left. I fit seamlessly into the fold of the trio but now Azriel felt like a stranger again. 

My mind was too full of thoughts to begin to try to settle down, so after I bathed the dirt and sweat off, I changed into a loose nightgown that almost went to the ground and padded off for the library. When I got to the door, it was slightly cracked, light from the fireplace filling even the hallway with its warmth. It was like the room itself was calling to me and as I stepped in. Above the crackle of the fire, I made out the sound of pages turning, of fabric rustling as someone shifted on one of the couches in the room. I searched for the source of the sound and found none other than Azriel lounging with a book propped open on his lap. He didn’t seem to notice me until one of his shadows snuck off his lap and slithered over to my feet, wrapping around them like they always did. 

He closed his book and glanced over to where I stood in the doorway. Something flashed across his eyes that I couldn’t decipher before it faded away. He cleared his throat and said a generic greeting. My heart sank as I saw him mark the page he was on in his book, and place it on the end table to his right. I tried not to pout as I said. “Don’t leave on my account.” I said, keeping my tone light to hide the oily feeling pooling in my stomach. The shadow at my feet seemed to curl in tighter to me as Azriel went to stand. 

“I was just finishing up anyways.” He couldn’t seem to meet my eyes. “The rooms all yours.” 

“Azriel…” I don’t know what I was going to stay. Maybe beg him to stay with me, maybe start shouting at him but I know none of that would help, would only make both of us feel worse. Be patient with him. So I bit back all the words I wanted to say to him and simply said. “Good night.” He called to me as he headed out of the room, his shoulder just barely brushing mine as he passed by me. The room suddenly felt too cold so I willed the house to put the fire out and walked out, heading back to my own room suddenly feeling very tired. 

I crawled under my covers and tried to push the thought of Azriel’s eyes out of my mind as I drifted off into a fitful sleep. 

 I sensed it. I was back under the mountain. Nonono. This can’t be happening but I saw it all out in front of me. Rhys was in front of me, standing on the dais with Amarantha standing next to him. I almost broke down, knees buckling, when I saw that all-too-familiar mask of indifference grace my brother's face. I tried to call out but my voice wouldn’t come out, feet locked in place as I stood and helplessly watched as the red haired female reached a finger under Rhys chin. Bile raised in my throat as I saw her whisper something to him, something I couldn’t make out. When I tried to reach out for his mind, I was met with nothing more than those iron thick walls he built up. Amarantha’s eyes locked on mine and it was like she set me on fire. My skin burned, the string of her breaking my bones, of the attors smacking me down everytime I said something out of place. Finally I seemed to find my voice, but only a scream ripped from my throat at the phantom pain. Her red lips curled into a cold smile. “Welcome back pet.” another scream made its way from my throat. 

I flung myself into a sitting position, jolting awake from the nightmare. My lungs ached as I gulped down air. My skin still burned and I threw off my blanket, pulling my knees to my chest. I almost screamed again as I realized the presence of something, someone, in my room. 

Azriel’s soft voice said my name. “I heard you scream, I thought…” My eyes finally adjusted and I could make out his frame. “I’m sorry. I'll go.” 

“No.” I rasped, throat raw. I must have actually been screaming. That explains his presence in my room, kind of. My hand went up to my neck attempting to rub away the pain in my chest. The pain didn't stop the request that bubbled over my lips. “Please. Stay.” I saw him go still, turning back around to me. Even in the dark, I was able to find his eyes, wide open as they locked on mine. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried not to sniffle. 

He whispered my name again. “Just go back to sleep.” He was starting to turn around again. My body reacted faster than my mind, I reached over the large bed, reached for his arm. “Please.” It was all I could get out. Please stay. Please talk to me. Please can we pretend that all of this didn’t happen and please be my best friend again. So many things tied into that one word. It’s almost like he sensed it and he sighed, relaxing into my touch. 

“Only until you fall back asleep.” He sounded exhausted and his tone made me feel heavy all over again. He still shuffled in behind me. I tried not to think about the fact that when I went to tuck myself into his chest that I was met with bare skin. Resisted the urge to trail my hand down along those perfect abs, to the deep vee that I knew laid beneath them. I just buried myself deeper into his side and I felt his wings wrap around me, shielding me from the world around us as I drifted back to sleep. The smell of cedar lulling me into a dreamless sleep. 

I woke up feeling more rested than I had since I’ve been back home. I knew he wouldn’t still be here but my hand still reached out to the side of the bed he’d been in, still warm. He had stayed. That explains why I slept so well. His scent lingered in the room and not caring how desperate it might have seemed, I buried my face into the pillow he had been laying on. I let his scent surround me and calm me down. A knock on the door had me groaning but sitting up anyways. 

‘You didn’t come to breakfast so I wanted to check on you…” More said as she opened the door, she looked around as she spoke and her face fell slightly before continuing. “I had Nuala make you a tray in case you were hungry when you woke up.” She held a small wooden tray in her hand and I beamed at her, touched by the small gesture from my cousin. 

“Thank you.” Was all I could get out, tears threatening to fall at the kindness in her action. 

“I heard you last night.” She spoke quietly as she walked to the edge of my bed, sitting down at my feet. “I know I wasn’t there, but if you ever need to talk, or just someone to listen to. I’ll always be here.”

“You don’t need that stuff in your head too. It’s bad enough it's mine.” 

She said my name in a concerned tone and I waved her off. “Don’t we have some books you need me to finish?” I said, deflect. She sighed sensing she wouldn’t win this one.

“Maybe we should take a break from the library today.” My face dropped as I thought of what I could possibly do with my day if it wasn’t reading with Mor. “I need to go shopping for some stuff, start looking around for Solstice presents and I haven't had a proper shopping buddy…” She trailed off, giving me a full megawatt smile. 

“Alright let's go, before you start batting your eyelashes at me.” I playfully rutted her in the ribs and she threw her arm over my shoulder.

I haven't gone out to the shops in Velaris since I’d been back home. A part of me had forgotten how beautiful my home truly was. I tried not to stare in awe at the new vendors, the smell of food lingering in the air. People walked to and fro, running errands for the day. Mor and I had found one of my favorite dress shops and all but pulled me into the shop. 

The designer was known for her slightly scandalous fashion. Floor length gowns with cut outs that left little to the imagination but were still heartbreakingly gorgeous. By the time Mor and I left, our arms were full of bags and I still had a few more dresses to pick up that needed to be altered. 

We flitted in and out of more stores until the sun was starting to sink behind the horizon. When I noticed where we were I almost suggested we stopped by Rita’s but my shoulders were starting to hurt from the weight of the bags and Mor wouldn’t be able to winnow us into the house if we did have a few drinks nor did I even want to think of carrying them back. 

So when we finally checked out from the last store, Mor having purchased a honestly hideous printed shirt for Cassian, we joined arms and started the walk back to the townhouse. 

After dropping off all of my new things in my room, I knew I had to go apologize to Rhys. Armen could wait, if I ever bothered to say sorry to her. She wouldn’t hold it against me either way. Our relationship was more antagonist than anything else anyways. So I put the clothes into my closet and padded off to find Rhys.

Eventually I found him in his study. He didn’t look up as I closed the door behind me. I called his name. Still nothing. So I walked over to his desk. I noticed he was clutching a letter in his hand, holding it so tightly that it was starting to crinkle. I went beside him and soothed the letter out of his hand. My face paled as I read carefully over the words.

Feyre was marrying Tamlin. 

The letter wasn’t an invitation. Just a simple announcement that would be extended to all high lords when one of them married. I dropped the piece of paper like it had burned me. I grasped for the right words to say to my brother, but when he looked up at me they all faded away. Agony I had never quite seen in them before knocked the breath from my lungs. 

“I know I have no reason to be upset. I should just be happy that she’s  happy. But I can’t find it in me.” He stared at the tattoo on his hand. “I’ll never see her again. Not after she marries him. I might get glimpses at balls but I’ll never really be able to see her.” Never be able to see her because we both know how Tamlin treats the people he loves. The gilded cage Feyre will be locked in the moment she says “I do”. I gave myself a moment to mourn for the girl. But I know there was nothing either of us could do in this situation. So I did the only thing I could think of. I strolled over to the bar cart in the corner of the room and poured both of us a few fingers of whiskey. He eyed it carefully as I passed him the glass. He took it out of my hands and knocked it back in one fluid motion. I did the same with mine. Holding out the glass for more, I poured him another. We just sat drinking until the familiar flush started to creep onto my face. Rhys hasn't said much, neither of us have. Content with drinking away the pit in both of our stomachs. 

“I love her.” He said after he finished his third glass. He didn’t sound. In fact this was  the most sober I think I had ever heard him

“I think I’ve loved her since I first saw her in the spring court. But I know I loved her when she offered herself in place of Tamlin. This brave human offering to save our entire world, who before that moment would have let her tear her to shreds.” He grimaced, as if the very thought disgusted him. 

“So tell her.” I said with a shrug. He glared at me. 

“You know it’s not that easy.” I did know. But I wanted him to be happy. I didn’t want him to have to sit here and drown out his sorrow while Tamlin got to play hero. Tamlin, who sat around while my brother risked his neck time and time again to save Feyre. He slumped down into his chair and laughed at the ceiling. 

“The mother can be a real bitch sometimes. I don’t know what I did to deserve all this good fortune.” His voice was bitter and truly didn’t know how to respond. I went to pour him another glass but he put a hand over his glass. 

“As much as I appreciate what you’re doing. I think I need to go to sleep before I march into the Spring Court and drag her out. Regardless of if she’ll hate me or not.”  His eyes soften as he looks at me. “You should head to bed soon too. I don’t need to look into your mind to know you’re going a million miles a minute right now.” 

He wasn’t wrong. My thoughts had been roaring around in my head since I read that letter. It wasn’t hard to put myself back into Feyre’s shoes. My heart panged for this selfless girl. How long until the cracks in the foundation started show and she would be pulled into the storm that is Tamlin. I nodded in acknowledgement of his words. Putting the cork back onto the glass bottle. I rose from my chair, rolling my stiff shoulders. Rhys and I both returned to our respective rooms. 

Hard as I tried, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned but couldn’t get comfortable. I had run out of the sleeping tonic a few nights before so I just accepted that sleep wasn’t going to come. I made no move to get out of bed though. I just curled my covers tighter over me. When the sun peeked through my curtain. I didn’t get up. I didn’t go to training. I didn’t even get up from my bed until mid afternoon, just going far enough to use the bathroom. Immediately crawling back into the warmth of my bed. 

Someone had knocked on the door and I pretended to be asleep when I heard the door click open. I ignored the smell of cedar until I felt a shadow sweep across my bed, settling by my face. If it knew I was asleep, it didn’t respond to its master. But it also didn’t leave when my door softly shut. I just turned to face away from the ripple of blackness. Not wanting to deal with the comfort the small action granted me. 

When I finally left my bedroom the next day, I learned Rhys had behaved similarly yesterday. The two of us floating around the house. We were bad enough that the others cleared out of whatever room we were in. I couldn’t find it in myself to really care enough to knock it off. 

This continued for the remainder of the week leading up to the date of the wedding. I expected the same behavior as I woke up the morning of the big day. But when I walked into the kitchen, Rhys was sitting around the table with Cassian and Azriel, head thrown back in laughter. He turned his head to me as I walked in and smiled at me.

“Glad to see you’re feeling better.” I grunted at him. Walking to the fridge I pulled out a bowl of fruit and swiped a couple pieces of sliced strawberry. He hummed in response and Cassian spoke up.

“We’re going to the cabin later, if you want to come with us. We’ll need someone to help us finish all this booze.” He gestured to three large boxes that were occupying the floor of the kitchen. I raised an eyebrow to Rhys and he shook his head. Drop it. He spoke in my head. I shoved him out and when I looked back at him, he looked hurt. 

“Boys, can I speak to my brother alone?” The two looked confused but stood up from the table regardless. 

“You don’t approve?” Rhy asked plainly. I scoffed.

“They might not know what today is, but I do,” I snatched the unopened bottle from his hand. “If you want to drink yourself stupid, I won’t stop you but that doesn’t prevent all of this from happening.” He made a lunge for the bottle and I was somehow able to keep it out of his grasp. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between two fingers. 

“What do you want me to say? That I would rather her marry anyone else than him? That I wish I was the one that she was happy to see. That I wished she would change her mind…” He trailed off. Eyes seemingly far away.  Horror washed over his face. 

“Rhys?” I spoke softly, wondering if I pushed him too hard. 

“I have to go.” Was all he said and before I could catch him, he had winnowed away. 

I had been on edge since Rhys disappeared with no sign of where he was going to. It hasn't been more than an hour but I was about to wear a hole through the rugs in the hallway with my pacing. Suddenly, I heard Rhys in my head. Grab Mor and meet me at the big house. I didn’t respond. Just went to find Mor, she must have received a similar message because when I got to her room she was already waiting for me. She didn;t ask any questions, merely grabbing my arm and winnowing us to the house we rarely ever used. When we arrived to the house I nearly gasped as I saw why Rhys had disappeared so suddenly. I just had time to make out a satin slipper as it was chucked with deadly precision right at Rhys’ head. She had barely launched the other one at him before she stormed off up the stairs. Rhys was all but growling as he stalked over to us. “That went well.” Mor snorted at him and this time Rhys actually growled at her before stalking over to his own room. 

We didn't see or hear from Feyre for the rest of the night, the three of us eating in silence. I felt the tension rolling off of Rhys when Nuala and Cerridwen informed us that Feyre hadn't eaten the dinner they had left for her. My stomach sank and I avoided the stare from my brother. He had asked me to go check on her. Saying that I could offer her some company. I didn’t have it in me to talk to her yet. Didn’t want to make this day, this decision, about me. And I know going into that room I would see a younger version of myself I wasn’t ready to face. 

The next day, Rhys had insisted on her joining us for breakfast. She came stomping down the stairs. “I’m not a dog.” She sneered at him before taking a tentative seat at the table. 

She looked around and her eyes locked onto mine, recognition sparkling in them,

“I remember you. You were under the mountain. What are you doing here?” Her tone was surprisingly pleasant, a stark contrast from every word she had said to my brother. 

I introduced myself. “I’m his sister.” She laughed at that. 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” It was hard to bite back my comment while I looked at her. It was like looking into an old memory, the dark circle around her eyes, the way the light had completely vanished behind them. She didn’t even look like this under the mountain. Tamlin had broken her completely. I’m sorry for you. I didn’t say that though, instead just responding with a simple. 

“You get used to it.” 

“I doubt that.” She snorted and started picking at the food in front of her.

#acomaf #acosf #acotar fanfiction #azriel acotar #acotar #acotar series #acowar #azriel angst #azriel x reader #azriel x you #azriel shadowsinger #azriel spymaster #rhys!sister #feyre archeron #feyre x rhysand #rhys acotar #rhysand #cassian #cassian acotar #a court of thorns and roses #a court of silver flames #a court of mist and fury #a court of wings and ruin

[kfedup]

Regretsy no more

Hey, y'all. It's the lurker here.

I've been in the funkiest of funkless funks for the past few months and over the past few weeks, I've been unpacking why. Seeing how much I'm isolating because of a constellation of health-related issues and generalized depression. Have been considering trying meds. But one thing keeps coming to the surface and I finally decided it's time to deal with it.

The one thing is the only thing in my life that I regret. That thing is never having finished my bachelor's degree.

I'm twice divorced, have lost several important friendships, and moved more times than I can count to places I didn't really want to live to maintain relationships I should have never entered in the first place, but I wouldn't trade any of those things. I don't feel regret about them. Why would I? I discovered who I am and who I am not because I experienced those things. Each of them allowed me to learn how to repair what's possible and how to let go of that which is complete.

I'm very good at this marketing copywriting work but I'm bored senseless. I want to challenge myself and taking online workshops is fine but it's just more interacting through a screen and lord love a duck, my spirit needs more. Plus, I am not using my gifts of communication, empathy, mirroring, and holding space for others in the way I know I am meant to use them. For two years I've felt like I'm wasting what's left of my life.

I am so afraid I will die full of this regret.

The cost has kept me from pulling the trigger on this dream for several years. I wish I started sooner, but clearly, I wasn't miserable enough yet. I'm well and truly stuck in the muck at the bottom of the lake about it now. There's nothing left to do but swim to the surface, so here I go.

Today I applied as a transfer student to the Psychology program at Kent State University to start classes this summer. It will probably take me 3 years to finish the 2 years I have left because I'm a single-income household and will have to work. I'm terrified I won't be able to manage both, but I hope I can rally.

I'm not sure if I'll continue on to get the Psych MA at KSU or go elsewhere to get an MA in Art Therapy after I finish the BA. I also want to get certified in Internal Family Systems therapy, so I'll be 63ish or older starting a new career as a therapist and I feel excited about my future for the first time in... well... I don't even know. A very long time.

I want a career that feels meaningful to me, helps people instead of businesses, and lets me use my gifts. One I can do until I'm dead because I'mma need to work until they're spreading my ashes.

I plan to take a class this summer to dip my toes in.

Holy shit, y'all. Lila will be a senior and I will be a junior on the same campus. She's so supportive and I've been crying happy-scared-overwhelmed-curious-excited tears all day.

Kelly's going back to college. Holy shit.

#it's been 35 years #that's a hell of a gap #my student loan debt can fucking die with me #no more thinking about it #time to grab it by the balls and swing

[terriblepersongreatseamonster]

I want to start this off by stating that I was a $5 Patreon patron for Watcher. For years, I watched the guys make content, and I couldn't afford to give any kind of support. Towards the end of last year I reached a point where I could just manage the $5 tier. As someone who is a creative, I know how important it is to be able to have the finances to make the things you want to make. And while $5 might not be much for some, it's still $5. Money is money.

I was absolutely stunned by the way Watcher handled things this past weekend. And while I am willing to continue watching them after seeing their apology video, I will be hesitant to give them any financial support in the future.

There has been quite a bit of discourse regarding things that were said in the "Goodbye YouTube" video, and since others discuss those things far better than I am able, I'm not going to cover most of the things I found myself questioning. However, there is one point I do want to tackle.

Watcher's claims of making TV quality content.

Do the guys make quality videos? Yes. For YouTube, their videos are excellent. Do I think that they are TV quality? No. Just because you have enough staff to fill out a TV show's credits, doesn't mean your content is TV quality. What they make are shows that I would expect to find on YouTube.

The show I keep coming back to regarding this claim is Puppet History. I adore that show. Puppet History is clever and endearing. I sense that Shane truly loves making it. That said, Shane is not a TV quality puppeteer.

I started learning to be a puppeteer when I was 5. From ages 5-34 I was involved with puppetry in some way, shape, or form for all but four of those years (that's 25 years of experience). I performed, I directed, and I taught basic puppetry. At my best, I was an average puppeteer, but I have helped train kids who were excellent at puppetry.

I say all this, because I want to make it clear I'm not just picking on Shane. He is a talented and smart man. I believe that if he had some training and practice, he could be a TV quality puppeteer, but right now he is not.

I would love to see the guys be able to make TV quality programming, but I think they need to pull back on some of the bells and whistles and focus on what actually works and make an effort to improve that.

Edit: I haven't done any puppetry since 2018, but here are a few photos of a couple of my puppets and myself.

#watcher entertainment #watcher #shane madej #puppet history #puppetry #ryan bergara #steven lim

[family-tree-of-ships]

So, I’ve been thinking.

Buck has some seriously bad taste in girlfriends over the course of these glorious 6 seasons, before he decides to see if the other side can bring some light in. I mean, all of the women he has seriously dated had some strong likable qualities to them and they all wanted what’s best for Buck (I’m trying at my own share of optimism here). I think, from all of them, Abby was his most successful one (before it obviously crashed and burned and shattered his big wonderful heart). It had something none of the other ones had. Acceptance and honesty. Abby accepted his job, listened when Buck was caught up into his head about the stresses of the job. Buck accepted her problems with her mother and helped her through while she was alive and for a good time after she passed. Buck was honest with her, as she was with him. They had been through their fair share of trials and tribulations. Up until she left for Europe, I honestly liked them together.

Once they’re officially over, all the other relationships he has either miss one or the other.

Ali couldn’t get over the dangers Buck was open to while on the job.

Taylor fully accepted his job, even was honest and genuine with him at some point. Buck didn’t reciprocate either. He couldn’t get over her intense ambition for every new story she could use to her benefit (to which she obtained by breaching his trust, both when they first met and when they were well into their relationship). He wasn’t open with her, again, in many circumstances. Even cheated on her with Lucy, for whom he didn’t have any sort of feelings other than attraction. When you get drunk, the truth comes out. There’s no devil, just a complete lack of self-restraint. If Buck truly loved her, which we know he didn’t, since her answer to her confession was literally “Good.”, getting drunk should’ve confirmed his affections, not completely contradict them. Buck, seems like an affectionate and happy drunk, since that’s who he is. If he loved Taylor, we should’ve gotten a sequence in which he calls her and starts spitting dramatic declarations or even comes home to her because when you love someone, they’re your home. Your instinct is to go them, not kiss the next person you see. Then, he lies, once he gets to his apartment, after this ‘mistake’. And asks her to move in. Because he got nervous. He couldn’t be honest with her. When they found out, they brushed it off quickly, never to be mentioned again. As if they wore both scared. They break it off, eventually, after a story that should’ve remained private made the headlines. It was an important breach in trust, but it shouldn’t have been enough for Buck, considering how loyal he is (just look at how much he waited for Abby). But it didn’t need to be too much, since there wasn’t anything too significant or tethering between them to begin with.

Natalia was fascinated by his death, which was an instant message that this wasn’t going to last in any way, shape or form. Buck is also dishonest with her, about Lucy and his history with her, again. We can understand this, it shines a bad light on him if he confesses he has cheated before, but didn’t he say she sees him? Shouldn’t that bring out at least some kind of easiness into ending up saying the truth? Apparently not.

We can see why the majority dislike Buck’s choices in the women he dates long-term. Ali and Natalia never get fleshed out. Abby and Taylor do and you, as a watcher, can even sympathize with them, but they both end up really hurting Buck. So, what can you do? Settle for what the show gives you? Fandoms don’t do that, especially when they aren’t satisfied.

Okay, so who reaches those two requirements and is constantly present in Buck’s life, who is properly fleshed out? You guessed it.

Drumrolls, please.

Eddie.

Do we even have to talk about acceptance? Come on.

Eddie has been here since season 2. Through a near death experience, then another one, then a lawsuit and then another one (there’s a lot, enough to fill a whole card-based game). Buck has also had to suffer through two of those near-death meetings with Death that Eddie has had. They’ve fully had each other’s backs within the first 48 hours of meeting one another. Honesty between them is natural and that is expressed in a lot of scenes. To list a few, we have Eddie having panic attacks when he thinks of committing to Ana. He goes and talks about it with Buck and Bobby and then breaks it off with her. Secondly, when Eddie finds about the fates of his army friends and destroys his bedroom through a fit of rage brought on by helplessness and fear. A very vulnerable state to be in (let’s be honest, how many damn people have seen Eddie cry his eyes out?). Buck goes in, listens to him, gives him advice and we later see them both patching up his wrecked bedroom walls. Thirdly, we have Buck going to his house to get some reprieve from the constant worry his friends have for him, knowing that he won’t be pushed here, but comfortably accompanied. He falls asleep immediately (let’s ignore couch theory before I go bonkers). That’s both of them expressing vulnerability and raw honesty. More than they’ve done with any lover, no matter how fleshed out.

There’s clearly an answer here. We’re going to wait until they find it.

#911 #911 show #911 abc #buddie #eddie diaz #evan buck buckely #taylor kelly #Abby #they’re in love your honor #I quite fucking literally don’t make the rules #I’m given facts #I analyze #I come to a conclusion #this is what the show is giving me] #911 what’s your emergency #911 fox #911 season 6 #the brainrot is real #buddie brainrot

[majorproblems77]

Sacred Realm updated! :D

New chapter new ramble here I am!

Sacred realm has returned with Chapter 4, named The hearald and the gorons, (Considering we start by climbing death mountain this brings me joy.

I'll get the important stuff done, This is done with permission from @zelda-the-sacred-realm, and all art from the comics belongs to the comic artist.

The link to the comic can be found here! Go give it some love it's expertly done! :D

Now, grab some popcorn and a drink, sit down someplace comfortable and have fun!

Lets go!

It absolutely must be said the backgrounds of this comic never cease to amaze me at how detailed they are. I low key almost feel as cold as it looks there. It's damn incredible.

Oh man i love him so much he's so sweet

He's just a curious little bab

Time really do be >:(

Name drop! :D Huzzah!

Link you innocent bean

Is that who i think it is?

checks notes

IT IS

Okay okay okay Time to do my research. I'll go into it more when we get through the panels with him in.

This is so sweet, Interesting that he knew Twi when he was alive. (Note the lack of fun yellow glow that the other spirits have)

Calling him master. Considering what we know from twilight princess and the hero of time and the hero of twilight this makes a bunch of sense.

Oh he's so pretty

So from my understanding of Twilight's lore, He sees time as a mentor (Hence calling him master.) Twilight seems to be alive here, so i would say that this is either during his actual adventure or just after it, meaning that the area we see around them must be Twilight's time.

(Also Epona beloved)

OH MY GOD HE DID IT THE HERO

WE GOT A TIME BOOP IN COMIC IT IS CANON NOW

link will 100% do it again, maybe even Twilight will get involved.

Trying to decipher what Sky was saying here was fun, also Sky being protective of Link gives me life okay

Sky truly is the best

God these enemies are so cool!

The cinnamon roll needs assistance, is that why he's in orange? Cause he's a little cinnamon roll?

(New headcanon you can't stop me)

Save him

SKYYYYYY

Protective Sky is the best Sky alright

He's so cool!

But the lines I assume are from the spirit barrier from before. Like he's fighting the barrier to be here? Is this gonna hurt Sky to do this? It looks like he's struggling.

I'm going to assume he can't keep this up forever and this is a last resort move.

And Time knowing Sky?! Hello? Makes me wonder if the spirits have been in contact like this.

But I've got a theory about this

I think Time may have not been the only one to aid Twilight. Hence why he knows Sky.

I dont have much to base this on right now but I'm hoping we will see more about this in the next chapter so I can elaborate on this further.

Also look at Link grabbing Time's scarf like he's a toddler, the little question marks are just so adorable and I love this man okay.

Okay, I think thats everything! Thank you so much for hanging out with me as I go through this comic and yell about my faves and the cinnamon roll that is this iteration of link.

And thanks again to the artist for letting me do this!

Hope you have a wonderful day! :D

#comic analysis with major #ramble corner with major #zelda sacred realm #zeldathesacredrealm #sacred realm #sr twilight #loz sr #sr realms #sr time #sr sky #i love this comic #Writing these brings me almost as much joy as Sky does #And that's saying something #because in every iteration dear god does he bring me joy #ztsr #hero of time #hero of sky #hero of realms #sacred realm analysis #:D #hero of twilight #cause we all know thats the boy himself #i am once again rambling at how much i love Sky #cinamon roll link #clearly the orange is to indicate that he is a cinamon roll you cant change my mind on this matter #i dont think there are any tags i forgot #i hope you enjoyed!

[minweber]

Musings on Custodes: Aging and Generational Divide

How many living custodians who remember the Emperor in the flesh are there? The precise answer doesn't matter quite as much as the existence of the question.

Custodians got their shit rocked pretty hard during the War Within the Webway at the end of the Horus Heresy. As traditional for warhammer there is some numbers fuckery going on: it is unclear how many custodians there even was initially, the famous monicker of "The Ten Thousand" possibly being intentionally misleading, and there is no precise information about how many of them were committed to the Webway, and therefore what percentage of the total number did their losses there make, and what then were their losses during the Siege of Terra... But once again, the specifics aren't that important here. What's important is the idea that after the dust had settled, Horus lay slain and the Emperor entombed - Custodes stood as a pale shadow of their former might, their numbers seemingly reduced to a fraction of the original.

What became of these veterans then? It is presumed that by the 42nd millennium Custodes numbers were generally replenished (just in time to get their teeth massively kicked in at the Battle of the Lion's Gate) - though we also don't know to what extent. Do those few-hundreds-to-a-thousand original Custodians still stand among them? Custodians supposedly don't age, and no upper limit to their natural lifespans is known, but there is the whole The Eyes of the Emperor retirement plan for them. Custodians who have, after aeons of service, their reflexes slow down even by a ridiculous degree of a millisecond, supposedly lay down their armor and go out into the galaxy to play spies. So time does affect them? Or is it something else that eventually slows down their bodies? Just how universal is this process for them? Because surely if it's caused by passage of time and at least one of them has gone this road over the last ten thousand years, then most, if not all, of the old guard must either have done so too or be on their way out?

Whatever the answer, the implications for Adeptus Custodes dynamics as a group and organization are fascinating. Because what does it even mean to become a Custodian after the Emperor's "death"? The shame of the failure you never partook in? The hole where the maypole of your entire identity should be? The expectation of being one of humanity's last links to some glorious past which was over thousands of years before you were even born? The Emperor sought counsel of his custodians from time to time, and supposedly made them specifically so that they would be able to give it - do the "young ones" feel the pull of this duty they can never fulfill?

And there are different potential flavors of delicious tragedy here.

If there are none or next to none original guardians left, then it kinda uproots the whole image of Adeptus Custodes, doesn’t it? The mysterious golden demigods are just as lost as anyone else. They may be thousands of years old, but none of them were there. None of them spoke to him, none of them bear any sacral foundational truths of humanity, or even of just the Imperium. All of their deeds and even they themselves are a desperate attempt to recapture something lost, not a defiant effort to carry something forward.

And if the old guard remains as a sizeable minority, then there must be an unseen divide between them and the new generations, right? With the Emperor being so integral to their identity and purpose, surely there was something important that they gained from interacting with him? Can they now pass this something down? Is it even physically possible? Can you truly be a custodian without it? Imagine looking at the new generation of, essentially, your people and realizing that there is a critical piece of your group's identity that they, through no fault of their own, will always be missing. That something important has been irrevocably lost, and they will never even truly now that it had been there? That's chilling stuff. Any real-world analogies for it that I can think of feel like they would be in poor taste to bring up in a rant about warhammer lore. Do they - consciously or not - hold it against them? Do they separate themselves physically and organizationally? Can one who has never seen the living light of the Emperor lead those who have? Are there enough heroic deeds in the galaxy to make up for not being there in time?

The theme of degradation and things being lost to the passage of time is very prominent in warhammer lore. In 40k, the small cadre of characters who physically bridge the divide between 31st and 42nd millennium have always been awarded with a certain aura of awe, but Custodes get to enjoy this situation from the position of someone for whom time itself should never have been a problem. It doesn't really matter how many of the "original" custodians are left - what will forever hang above them is that there even are the "original" ones.

#musings on custodes #adeptus custodes #warhammer 40000

[wystericwoes]

Doomed pt. 5

Warnings: Cursing, fighting and descriptions of gore + violence.

(Sorry this took so long)

Sukuna watched intensely through the window, a fist under his chin and robes loosely adjourned.

He stared As you picked a flower up and took it from the vine, sliding it into your loose hanging sleeve. Looking around making sure no one saw as a child would after stealing candy. 

He wondered what you were going to do with it. Put in your hair? A vase? His mind wondered. Why act as if it’s a deceitful act that one could get in trouble for when you could do whatever you wanted? 

“Lord Sukuna?”

Uraume approached him from behind, head lowered. His gaze was unwavering as he continued to stare at you. 

He grunted in response. 

“The councilmans here to see you.”

“Tell him I'm busy.”

“It's important.”

“He can wait.”

She gulped. Hating that she had to be the news bearer.

“He… demands an audience.”

He tightened his fist. 

“I'm afraid word got out. And now all your allies are beginning to talk. Not attending this meeting would only make things worse.”

“Tch.”

He turned around to face her, her head remained bowed.

“Where is he?”

That night dinner was quieter than usual. 

He didn't eat, you hardly saw him eat anymore. He simply watched atop pillows, one fist under his jaw as you indulged. You were no longer intimidated by him when he was like this, pissed. 

“What happened?”

You asked. 

“Nothing.”

“Don’t do that with me Sukuna.”

You said as you lifted a bite of food to your mouth. 

He scoffed and turned his head away pouting like a kid. 

“Something political?”

He was never able to lie to you. 

"Snotty pissboys who call themselves leaders who I have to upkeep diplomatic relations with."

His jaw ticked and fists tightened, the air growing thicker with tension. You decided not to press any further.

“Are you going to be okay or would like some help?”

He looked back at you, you had slid down your robe revealing your shoulder. 

He grinned. 

“I always want your help.”

Before Ryomen Sukuna was what he is today, he was a man. 

A man who had made a mistake, falling in love. 

He was a few things actually. 

A man, a sorcerer, a killer, and a ruler. 

But you held him back from his true potential. There were certain lines he would not cross as he progressed his reign of terror. 

He maintained an air of ruthlessness and a reputation of brutality. It's how he amassed power, no one threatened to cross his merciless path. Rumors of him killing a handmaid for bringing him his tea late, or killing a high-ranking nobleman with a hairpin because his footman offended him. These tales were what kept him on his throne.

But as long as you lived, he would never be able to cross the threshold of true power. Because you gave him morals, and morals were limitations. 

As of right now he was simply a king among men, a powerful sorcerer. 

He desired to be a god, but that simply wasn't possible.

For what god cares for a human?

That human was what he lived for, and what he worked for. 

Uraume and Sukunas inner circle despised you. They watched as the man who was on the rise to godhood was stumped by a non-sorcerer of no exceptional lineage or wealth. But they knew that you held more power over them than any of them combined- Killing you was not an option. You were untouchable, and an unmovable obstacle.

Even with your kindness you were a hindrance to them. They saw what you truly were. 

An inconvenience, A weakness. 

They had to stand by as he gawked at you and adorned you with jewels and silks, hand fed you grapes like a servant. Like he couldn’t snap your throat in an instant. 

Disgusting. 

And all the sex? fucking annoying. 

He would have a warlord waiting in the conference room as you were shamelessly copulating in the springs. 

People started to talk. About the ruthless leader Ryomen Sukuna and his only concubine. 

The one that he spoiled, the one that he daunted around and let speak freely at his side during important meetings and gatherings. 

Concubine. You could never forget that's what you are to most people, and you didn't. But it doesn't matter, because at the end of the day, you're the one who he’ll kill for. You knew that everyone either hated you or loved you, was either jealous or resentful. 

Now usually, fellow people in power wouldn’t care about any usual whore. But you seemed to linger. Always be by his side and be the only one he had- and while the servants of his residence didn’t dare to say anything in fear of his retaliation, his allies and their servants had no such obligation. And once they left his grand estate, people talked.

You walked with an air of power, after a while you stopped caring about all the talk and rumors- because that's all it was. Talk. At the end of the day, they would treat you kindly with a warm smile as you walked by. 

To a few who liked you, they admired you as the olive branch and as the light in his life. the one who stepped in with a moral objection before he killed or punished someone who likely didn't deserve his wrathful hand.

A sweet love story, and the last shred of his humanity. But to most, a mistake. To his inner Jujutsu circle, a hindrance. 

Some nights you could touch him in all the right ways to get him to open up, you were on top, you left the hickeys. 

Your face was buried in his neck, he never made any noise. Just moved. Maybe a grunt. You felt his hips rut against you as you traced the outline of his hard cock through his thin white robes. 

Times like this at his most vulnerable was when you pried.

“Sukuna?”

He hummed against your head. 

You placed your chin on his chest and looked up at him. 

“Why don’t you marry me?”

His breath hitched slightly. But his face remained unmoving.

“You know I'd say yes.”

You pouted into him 

“You’re cute.” He growled. 

“I'm sexy. Not cute. And would be excellent as a spouse.”

You pressed yourself against him, slouching down as if in defeat.

“You are. We’re already together though, is this not enough?”

You sighed and turned around, facing upwards next to him. 

“I just want it to be official. I'm tired of hiding behind doors. You're the strongest right? So why do you worry?”

He could lie and say politics. But he always found himself physically unable to.

“I've never been married before.”

“Neither have I, that's why we should do it together!” You whined as you nuzzled into his neck and threw an arm across his broad chest. One of his stronger ones wrapping around your back.

He chuckled into you. The truth was, a lot of reasons. He didn't want you to have the pressure that came as the married person to a powerful lord such as Sukuna when you were so young, and he also didn't want people to know about you. If he becomes married you become more of a target. Rather than your existence outside his home being whispers of a side piece, the ring on his finger would be an immediate show of “I have a weakness.”

 You could get kidnapped, enslaved, assaulted, killed- 

His fists tightened. 

But also rather selfishly, he couldn't bare the thought of accepting himself as a romantic. A wedding ceremony and honeymoon is all too intimate for one such as himself, he's supposed to be revered and invoke terror. 

You placed a soft hand across his own, easing the tension. 

“I just want everyone to know you’re mine.”

“That I'm yours? What about you?”

“They already know who I belong to”. You said with a sly smile, moving down your kimono donning several hickeys and bites. 

You moved so you were sitting on his lap, he sat up and looked up at you with half-lidded eyes. 

“I want you to do what it takes to become the strongest so we can get married and you won't worry.”

You placed your hands on his chest and rubbed circles across his toned muscles. 

He wasn't just scared of the enemy though; he was scared of losing himself. If he had no restraints, if he was away from his chain of reason and humanity- he couldn't hide the monster you suppressed. and the thought of him losing himself to madness didn't scare him- rather it stressed him out. The uncertainty of it all, the darkness he had been able to hide behind your shining light.

You laid down on him again and his arms instinctively found solace around you.

“Do you know what it would take for me to do this?” 

“I do.” 

“I’d be gone more. I might change.” 

“Life is short, don’t waste it all on me.” 

“It’s not a waste if it’s with you.”

You hummed in contentment as you nuzzled into his neck and closed your eyes. 

"I know you'll never hurt me."

He exhaled a long sigh unfurrowing his brows. You were his humanity, so as long as he had you, it would be fine. 

Right?

To gain power he needed to fight, which meant longer trips. But with your blessing he persisted, even if time away from you was torture. 

“Protect them with your life or I'll ruin yours.”

Was the threat he gave to everyone as he left you alone. 

He hated it. Absolutely fucking despised it Whether he was gone for two days or two months. 

And he quickly learned how to take that rage and loneliness and warp it into his new growing obsession- power.

A name had begun to spring around Japan, as the man who never lost. 

Rumors sprung of a monster terrorizing the region in which he reigned, and the ones outside of it.

Each time he came back to you he had to remind himself who he was, with your saccharine kisses, delicate touches, and careless whispers. Such a stark contrast to the pure filth and violence he was subjugating himself to. 

But each time he left you, a piece of him stayed behind. 

You never cared for the details of what he was doing, ignorance was bliss after all. 

Until he came home with blood on his hands. 

“Sukuna…”

You had gone in to kiss him, and you brought his hand up to your face. But that was when you noticed it. 

“It’s not mine, don’t worry.” he said reassuringly, as if that was somehow better. 

You stuffed it down. He’s a good man who loves you- he would never hurt you. 

It was like a raging fire inching closer to you, but so long as you couldn't feel it, you could keep looking away.

You were looking around for him, trying to find his company as you carried your feet across the estate. 

“Sukunaa!” You sang. 

He came out from a corridor and closed it behind him. 

“I was just thinking about…!”

Scarlet was scattered across his body as if he had been painted like a fine canvas.

You froze. A surge of fresh anxiety hit your veins as your eyes wandered down to the bottom of the door, what was behind it?

“Y/n”

He grabbed you by the waist and pulled you into him- his eyes were dead. 

This was not your Sukuna. 

You tried pushing him away, but he didn't let up. Instead his grip tightened. 

“Did you know that your handmaid liked you? They were going to confess to you.”

He whispered. 

“Stop…”

“To think that i’ve let myself fall from such grace that everyone has forgotten who you belong too.”

“Sukuna…”

You were not unfamiliar with bouts of jealousy. Of rough nights of fucking and hands on your neck. But in his eyes, there was always love, always sensual and caring underneath those layers of grit and abrasion. Extensive and precise control over his actions so as to not truly irreparably damage you. An air of caution and attention to detail to see if you were okay.

His grip was bruising, nails piercing the skin as rivulets of blood graced your skin. 

He feverishly kissed you, shoving his tongue past your teeth in an aggressive movement. 

You whimpered into him trying to leave, but each time you resisted he squeezed harder. He clogged your airways with his persistence and left you in shock. Pain began to violently spread where his grip was held.

He eventually pulled away as you stayed breathless and panting. 

“Sukuna you're scaring m-”

“Don’t go in there. I can’t help you if you do.”

He cut you off as he released you and signaled for the nearest servant for them to clean the mess. Then he walked away. 

Your eyes flickered to the cracked door behind him, terror coursing through your veins as you wondered what was inside.

The bruise on your hip blossomed shades of yellow and purple sharing an eerie resemblance to the blue lotuses in the garden.

You sat as hot tears glazed your face as the nurse dabbed your wound clean.

Small crescent-shaped abrasions graced across your hues of painted skin, artistic in a way.

The maid cleaning your wounds said nothing as you cried. too scared of what would happen if she dared utter a word.

She wrapped your wound in a cotton bandage, and instructed you to rest. 

You leaned back admiring the hardwood walls and paintings, tears eventually ceasing as you lay alone, and cried alone.

The next few months it only got worse. He would be gone for even longer periods, and he limited your access to the outside world. At first, you could go with an escort, but now only him. And he was never there.

You started to write letters. To him, while he was gone, but you never gave them to him. Writing helped you clear your head.

But who you were writing to wasn't the man who was alive today, it was the one who you knew before you sent him off to become the strongest. 

Sukuna, 

I hope this letter finds you well. Because I, selfishly, am not. I am scared. I am irrefutably alone. Things are dimming and becoming gray, I find myself terrified in your presence, and terribly lonesome in your absence. I am in purgatory. Unable to move, or breathe, I can't even find the words to…

You sniffled as you dipped the pen back into its ink holder and slid into a cold bed. 

You spent that night sobbing. At first quietly, but then you could no longer hold back the choked sobs that echoed through your shared bedroom. 

You had to make a decision. 

And so, you hid the final letter and packed your things.

And left within the dead of night. 

A monstrous roar echoed through the decorated walls.

He violently worked his way through the entire estate, ripping doors and dropping ceramics. 

“What did I say?!”

His voice almost echoed, filling the halls and invoking terror. 

Anyone unfortunate enough to be met in his path was either yelled at, mauled, or both. 

A trail of corpses and pools of crimson met his feet as he stormed through the halls. 

“I gave everyone ONE job. And none of you know where they went?!”

Uraume ran up behind him and hovered a hand over his shoulder.

“Lord Sukuna! Perhaps this is a good thing.”

He turned around to face her, and with his silence, she continued. 

“Now we can focus on your reign! You can inst-”

She was knocked to the ground. 

“Mind your place.”

She put a hand over her face as blood gushed from her nose, 

“I'll deal with you later.”

His words were toxic, malicious and deep, 

“L-Lord sukuna!”

A lady wearing nurses' robes bowed on the ground. 

“I may have information!" her voice shook.

“Well? Tell me!” He shouted

She got up and shuffled over to your room. Sukuna following close behind. 

She slid the door open and the sight shocked him. 

Your clothes were strewn across the floor, as well as papers, ink, and personal belongings. 

You must've left distressed.

Without hesitation she went over to the corner where your writing station was, and popped open a loose floorboard, revealing dozens of letters. All were addressed to Sukuna. 

She handed them over to him as she bowed her head to the ground. 

He grabbed them and began rampantly flipping through as his face fell. He sat down on the shared bed, and he hung onto every word, every affirmation, and every syllable. 

He brought his head up, a fury in his eyes. 

“Pack my things.” 

The nurse nodded and scurried away. 

He had a death induced grip on the papers, crinkling and tearing under his hold. 

He set off at night, alone. 

“I will find you even if I must sacrifice each living soul and cast myself to hell.” 

He made a vow to himself. 

He stormed through each village and town slaughtering every person he saw after he asked his question. 

No one knew what he was talking about, even after he killed their families. Some people would lie, but he could tell- resulting in their death as well. 

His newfound senses and strength had allowed him to know the general direction in which you went, but not specifically where you were.

He pillaged through Japan on a vicious spree of mass genocide. Bodies strewn out like constellations across what was once green grass. 

Men, women, children, babies. All were just sacks of useless weak flesh that stood in the way. 

He would cross the occasional Jujutsu sorcerer, but he didn’t even care. 

They all bleed the same. 

He had worked his way through the night, until it was sunrise. And he didn’t sleep, he continued his rampage. 

Throughout the next two days, an utter massacre as one of the most tragic events befell Japan. The countryside's peaceful silence was marked with grotesque screams, crop fields and farms now watered by blood. Corpses stacked into mounds of death. 

Until he finally reached his destination. It had been days, but he knew he was there. 

He could smell you. 

A small clearing in the forest, with a small village no larger a population than 40 people. 

He had warped into a beast, not quite physically yet, but the toll of murder to this degree puts a mark on one’s soul. 

A specific hut with smoke arising from it similar to your cooking, the door creaked open. 

You were sipping on tea, and talking with a member of the family that had offered you shelter, tending to the food- when the door creaked open. 

The shaded figure bore dead soulless eyes, blood of varying stages of exposure, sharp teeth, and a cruel face. 

“I found you.” 

Your eyes shot open, and your heart began to beat faster as he approached. 

“Excuse me! Sir? You ca-“ 

The sentence was interrupted and followed by a brief momentary silence, carried out by his body collapsing, missing a head. 

Some of the blood splattered on your cheek. 

“S..sukuna….” 

You squeaked out with bloodshot eyes. 

You backed yourself against the wall as he drew closer. 

“Stop it please…” 

He loomed over you, casting a deep shadow until he got down on his knees to be closer to you. 

“You’ve got blood on your face.” 

He brought a stained thumb to your cheek and wiped the blood from your soft skin. 

“Let’s go home. I’ll discipline you later.” 

He tried pulling you up by your wrist but you resisted. 

“I’m not going!” 

He picked you up with a fluid movement and threw you over his shoulder. You kicked, but it was for nothing. You had no effect on him. 

He started walking out of the house as you saw the remains of the one who once offered you headless at your captors feet. 

Tears began to form in your eyes as you saw the form get smaller and smaller. 

You really did try and resist, you did. You pushed and shoved and clawed, but he ignored you as if you weren’t even there. 

“Why are you doing this...?” 

Your voice was weak.

He stayed quiet. Simply looking forward as he walked. 

“I don’t like who you are anymore... I don’t feel safe.” 

He stopped. 

“Who’s idea was it for me to travel and get stronger?” 

You jumped

“I didn’t know that it meant this!” 

“Oh please. What did you think I was doing? Dancing? How else does one become powerful? You aren’t that stupid are you?” 

He was right. You knew he was a killer, you had just denied it to yourself to live in your happy bubble. Tears continued to stream down your face. 

You eventually fell limp and tired from the energy and exhaust, giving up for now. 

He set you down at a tree as he began collecting firewood.

“Stay.” 

Sukuna stayed close as he gathered sticks and logs nearby. 

You shivered as night fell. Leaning against a lonesome tree and hugging yourself tightly, trying to choke back your sobs. Your situation dawning on you cruelly like a whip.

Hearing the sounds of footsteps approaching you, you turned around to see Sukuna shirtless as he held his robe over you. 

“Take it.” 

With a shaky hand you held onto it, and he helped drape it over you. 

He put the final sticks in the pile, and you watched as he created a fire from his own hand, you were much too tired to even question how he could do that. And lit the log.

He made himself comfortable in the grass as his eyes met yours. You flinched upon the contact. 

“I thought you died.” 

He said in a gravelly voice. One that resonates through your entire body. 

“I- I’m sorry…” 

He tilted his head to the side. 

“You’re not allowed outside again after this understand?” 

You furrowed your brows and frowned, looking away.

You didn’t understand how he was remaining so casual, talking to you as if he didn’t just kidnap you and murder people.

You buried yourself in the familiar scent of his clothes. They were musty, but it was all you had. 

Comforting yourself with him from him. 

“Answer me.” 

“Okay…” 

“Okay what?” 

“I understand.” 

“Now go to sleep.” 

“I can’t when you’re watching me.”

You wiped your eyes and sniffled, trying not to think about the situation. 

“I don’t care.” 

You desperately tried to sleep. To close your eyes and forget the day. But then you would feel the monstrous breathing behind you. 

You swear he's a little taller than the last time you saw him. 

Eventually as the night passed, the crackle of the fire lulled you into something close enough to sleep. When your breaths were slowed, he inched closer to you, laying down behind you. 

The blaze of the dying fire dwindled and failed to distract you from your own thoughts. You slowly turned to face the beast behind you to see him asleep, audibly letting out a breath you didn't know you were holding. 

The warmth he emitted was solace. And his peaceful face hid the killer within. 

Maybe you could lie to yourself long enough to make this work, maybe you could pretend it was all okay. 

You clenched your eyes and shook the thought away. 

It’ll all be better in the morning. 

His eyelids fluttered open, rays of light peeking behind the blinds to reveal your sleeping form breathing rhythmically in short paces. 

He knew he shouldn’t be indulging in this. 

But something about the attention filled a hole in him he never thought he needed filled.

He was always enough for himself. 

It was only temporary he thought, as he sat up and eased out of bed. 

Walking to the bathroom to brush his teeth and shower, as quietly as he could. 

This really wasn’t like him. But he had just gotten so used to your unfamiliarity, to your sporadic actions and intangible remarks. 

Even after over a month of living together, he still hadn’t aired out the mystery of you. He decided for the first time to just let it be for a while, let it sit- because things were too good the way they were right now. 

One of you would start cooking or making tea and coffee, then twenty minutes later like clockwork the other would begrudgingly dredge in the kitchen with tired eyes and messy hair, sitting in a chair and accepting whatever plate of food or beverage was slid their way. 

This morning, he was feeling particularly lazy and decided to order food. Something he knew you would have no objection to, considering the last time he cooked you called it “the nastiest tasting excuse for shit food” you had ever tasted. 

Truth was it wasn’t terrible. And your attempts at cooking weren’t much better. But it felt nice practicing together.

He pulled out his phone and began putting in the food as he plopped himself down on the couch. kicking his feet up on the coffee table. 

He could hear your disinclined footsteps from the other side of the big yet humble house make its way over to you. 

“For someone so rich I really wish you had a guest bedroom. You snore.” 

“That’s a pretty interesting way of thanking me for letting you live here for free.” 

You drank a glass of water and made your way over to the couch, sitting down next to him before abruptly collapsing and falling your head into his lap. 

“I can't live in my apartment remember?” 

“What are you feeling for breakfast, sugary or savory?” 

“Sugary.” 

You rolled over to be facing upwards, staring at the bleak and perfectly eggshell white ceiling. 

“A person after my own heart.” 

He finished sending in the order as he set his phone down and also kicked his head up. 

“Why is your house so boring? It wouldn’t kill you to paint it pink or something.” 

“Pink? Really?” 

“Sorry, blue.” 

You looked over at his upwards facing chin, admiring his features until he looked down at you, causing you to avert your gaze. 

“It’s rude to stare.” 

You simply huffed and sat upright. 

“You’re insufferable.” 

“You love it.” 

“I’m gonna go take a shower.” 

You stood up and scampered away avoiding his remark as he shouted at you. 

“Don’t slip and fall!” 

You really shouldn’t be getting used to it. But this routine was so comfortable to you now. And for both of you, served a purpose outside yourselves. A selfishly selfless act. 

For you, the safety and regiment you so desperately needed to ground yourself after all the change and trauma you had witnessed in the last month. Being with Gojo was a slow addiction. you tell yourself you can quit anytime, but realize too late that you can’t live without it. 

For him, the wild and crazy circumstances of the whole thing made it too delicious to quit. The sheer absurdity of it all for him- you being an exception. It was a stronger but fleeting high. 

You had been making impeccable progress, as far as he was concerned. Which was good, because there was so much banking on your success. So much more than you knew. 

You dreamt about him again. All these memories keep resurfacing that you never had. You suddenly developed an interest in ancient Japan and Jujutsu society, taking in any history about it that you could. 

Physically, you still had a long way to go before you reached your full potential, but you were trying. 

You hadn’t been on a mission in several weeks, learning only the basics such as how to wield a weapon and concentrating cursed energy at will. But seemingly everyday it gets a little easier.

You let the hot water roll over your body, an act almost cleansing in the physical and spiritual sense. The steam awakens your senses, and you rest easy knowing when you get out food will be waiting for you in the kitchen. That all things are as they should be for the time being. 

The weather is slowly getting colder, as fall creeps its way over summer. Leading you to wear warmer clothing, a long sleeve and pants. You step out into the kitchen drying the remnants of water in your hair using your mostly damp towel, the smell of food hitting your nose. 

“This is the real reason why I stick around Satoru.” 

“Really? Nothing else?”

You didn't even entertain him as you ripped open the bags filled with stacks of delectable goodness. 

Adjacent to you he got two plates out and utensils, the both of you began setting your plates. 

“Oh and also, you have a mission tomorrow.”

You halted your movements abruptly, slowly turning your head to his unbothered disposition. 

“And you just thought to tell me?”

Venom laced your words.

“I didn't want you to be mad at me! you get scary.”

You took a deep breath and spoke behind gritted teeth. 

“Okay. Care to tell me more?”  

Aggressively shoving food on your plate, he stepped a couple paces farther from you.

“There's been reports of a higher ranked curse going around, weird stuff keeps happening, people dying, mutilation, blah blah. You’ll be accompanied by a pro this time rather than just babysitting.”

“Alright. And will my life be in danger? Are you hiding the details from me again, so I have no idea what I'm walking into?”

“Nope! Not this time.”

  He walked away with his plate of food and sat on the couch. 

“Are there any other details you'd like to disclose before I find out the truth?”

“Not particularly.”

He said before a big bite.

You very annoyingly sat down as far away from him as possible. 

“I better not find out you're lying to me.”

“Just watch a pro at work, that���s all you gotta do.” 

“Do I at least get a weapon?” 

The first thing you notice about Nanami is his deliberate ability to make any situation feel more or less stressful. 

His face bore little to no reactions, his posture stiff and correct, his voice commanding. 

He made a lasting impression. 

The second thing you noticed was that he was also handsome. Not pretty like Gojo or cute like Yuuji, but handsome. 

You trudged through the tunnel of a dark sewer. You had to remain strong. As difficult as it had been to accept over the last weeks, this was going to be your life now. 

You honestly didn’t know what to expect. 

“You’ve been misinformed I assume.” 

He broke the silence. 

“Probably. I have a terrible teacher.” 

“Sounds in character for him. What all do you know of the situation?” 

“Basically nothing.” 

You felt that feeling again, of being in the dark. Quite literally and metaphorically. 

“Itadori and I have done most of the leg work already, the hunt for this transfigurer and tracking its location.” 

“Transfigurer?” 

“I suppose I should prepare your for what you are about to see. If at all it becomes stressful I understand if you want to leave.” 

He took your affirming nod and silence as a means to continue his explanation. 

“This curse can alter one’s physical shape into anything it desires. It’s a truly grotesque and disgusting power. Which is why I take urgency to exorcise it.” 

“By ones physical shape do you mean…?” 

“Humans.” 

You felt a tightness well in your throat. 

“You’re new to this, and if I’m being frank this assignment was not the best to be one of your first. But I suppose this is a good way to throw you into the field and begin developing your tolerance.” 

Tolerance? You wondered what he meant. 

As honest as he was, you knew he was hiding information from you. 

“Nanami, I have a question.” 

He continued in silence, your sign to continue. 

“Is Satoru hiding something from me?” 

He pushed his glasses up and came to a stop. 

“It’s not my place to say.” 

That made your stomach drop. 

“I will tell you this, no single functional mind could comprehend that man’s intentions.” 

He continued walking. A shared silence as you felt torn between not wanting to pry, and desperately needing to know more. 

“Whenever we find what we’re looking for, I want you to stay a consistent 20 paces behind me at all time. If you get in the way it could compromise your safety as well as mine.” 

You simply nodded. Far too on edge to properly respond. 

You weren’t going to question his authority, especially when his confidence made you feel at ease. Usually being commanded on what to would have made you livid, but now you could do nothing but listen. It was mostly silence. 

You just kept trudging the seemingly endless tunnel on edge until something happened.

“H-e…lp m…e…” 

A distorted and raspy voice was heard beyond in the darkness.

You froze. Immediately following Nanami’s rule and slowly easing yourself several feet behind him. 

And you’re glad you did, when what you saw made you feel dizzy. 

A creature with four legs and deep purple skin, eyes on opposite side of its head an no neck. 

Without any hesitation or time to process, Nanami sliced across its chest and with a single blow, killed it. It’s body falling limp at his feet as he continued walking. 

You attempted to remain calm. Seeing as how he was, you were scared of what he may think if you freaked out, you couldn’t imagine burdening him during a serious moment and messing things up. 

“Those are what I was talking about, transfigured bodies.” 

“That was once a…” 

You walked by it, footing unsteady, giving one last fleeting glance at the cadaver. 

“Now you see why we need to eliminate this curse.” 

Sudden emotion over took you as you continued walking, remembering its eyes. Human eyes. 

You shook your head. Choosing to not care in the moment. 

That cycle repeated. A monster crosses your path, Nanami slashes it, and you continue down the endless paths of dim tunnels. 

You weren’t exactly a master at this or anything relating, but it didn’t take a genius to notice your comrades growing irritation. 

“Are you okay?” You muttered

“I only wish this curse would show itself. Even if these are disfigured and beyond help, killing humans leaves a bad taste in my mouth.” 

“Oh Good Good!” 

A different voice approached from the darkness; a sudden gut-wrenching feeling overcame.

“I was really worried someone strong would show up. But you two should be easy to experiment on!” 

Nanami seemed unbothered. Pushing his glasses upwards. They stood in an uneasy silence for a moment. Just a moment.

And before you knew it a series of blows were exchanged faster than your eyes could keep up with. You didn’t even see who attacked first.

All you could do was try and stay out of his way. 

The curse suddenly slid back several feet. Wide eyed. 

“Was that some kind of cursed technique? I should’ve blocked it.” 

“What do you mean some kind? I don’t appreciate questions that are left to interpretation” 

“Oh good, seems you don’t mind talking!” 

“That depends on who I’m talking to.” 

“Guess I’m special then huh?” 

This curse oozed a certain arrogance which reminded you eerily of Gojo. 

You stopped breathing when he pointed to you.

“And who’s that then?” 

Nanami stepped further in front of you to block his view. You were honestly shocked he could see you; you were so far back in the darkness that you could barely even tell what was going on. 

“That doesn’t concern you.”

“Emotional support? I guess your job does get pretty tricky huh? Humans can’t handle much.” 

“They're my colleague.” 

He tapped his foot on the ground, seemingly thinking something. 

“Hey what do you think came first? The body, or the soul?” 

You both had a confused look. 

“Y’know like chicken and the egg? Is the soul inside the body, or is the body outside the soul?”

“The former.” 

He was tense. You didn’t like the air around you; the whole situation was awkward. You had been looking at curses as non-human things to ease the guilt and trauma, but to know that they could talk and be coherent, sent you someplace dark. 

“Wrong. The soul always exists before the body.” 

Nanami looked like he could care less. 

“It’s the source of my power. I transform the shape of my soul; it’s not healing or shapeshifting like many believe.” 

Out of nowhere a creature summoned at his hand.

“I make humans small and store them, it’s pretty hard Y’know?” 

You watched as Nanami checked his watch and muttered something under his breath.

“An ordinary person dies after being transfigured. I wonder what will happen to you jujutsu sorcerers…” 

So much had happened you struggled to make sense of any of it. You no longer knew how much time had passed. You would have guessed fifteen minutes- but knew it was probably longer. 

They were ruthless. The punches, the kicks, the blocking and dodging. You felt too appalled to do anything and too interested to look away. 

Somehow this felt familiar to you. Watching it all was like replaying a movie you had seen when you were a young child. Details blurred and specifics unknown, but a certain naturalness came with it once you saw it again. 

“I'm now officially working overtime.” 

Nanami eased his tie, and a sudden shift was felt in the air. 

“So, you have a way to get stronger from fighting past a certain time huh? You’re not half bad.” 

He sported a sickening smile through the entire ordeal. One that made your insides curl.

You watched as the ground beneath Nanami shifted beneath him and lifting him up, another deformed body had been conjured and was serving as an impromptu ledge. He crouched and wiped his thumb across a crying face. 

“I’ve mastered transfiguring souls without killing them. Try not to feel too bad.” 

“I don’t let personal feelings affect my work.” 

It all suddenly hit you. He changes the shape of people into grotesque… things. And all the while they stay fully conscious and feeling. 

“You’re such a terrible liar! About this and your ‘colleague’.” 

A strong sense of justice took over you. 

“So, you just transform people into whatever you want? Just because you look like a freak doesn’t mean everyone else does too!” 

A sudden sense of Deja Vu came over you, remembering when your fear left your body in place of anger when you were fighting that special grade curse. You were no longer yourself, just your emotions. 

Nanami looked back at you shocked, and judging by the curses face, he was as well. 

“Well I’ll be damned. The cheer section has some voice. What rank are you? I hardly defected any cursed energy from you before. I thought you weren’t even a sorcerer!” 

“I don’t have a rank.” 

Nanami sighed. Clearly annoyed at the fighting and provoking. 

“You should get one soon so we can have a proper fight. I’m really looking forward to seeing what would happen to that deformed soul of yours once I get a hold of it.” 

You went to open your mouth.

“That’s enough.” 

Nanami butted in before you two could insult each other again. 

“And what about you my blonde-haired friend? What’s your rank.” 

“Grade 1.” 

“So, you’re strong huh? Perfect for experimentation. Both of you make a fine pair. First, I just have to get rid of the bodyguard!” 

Suddenly, the hand of the curse slammed against Nanami's stomach, flat-palmed. They stood still for a brief moment. 

It felt like time stopped. 

Did he kill him? Was something going to happen? What would happen if Nanami died? You can’t fight this guy by yourself! 

Panic started to set in, and you had to fight every natural instinct telling you to run away. 

“Looks like your soul is being subconsciously protected by cursed energy. But that’s no worry, another 2-3 times you’ll no longer be human!” 

As much as you hated this helpless feeling, you were learning a lot. 

Learning how weak and ignorant you were, and how strong you could be. Nanami was inspiring, unlike Gojo who flaunted strength and barely delivered, Nanami showed and didn’t boast. He simply acted, strength just coming to him, and it suited him well. 

“Y’know you’re getting kind of boring.” 

He looked back to you. 

You felt a breeze hit your face, followed by a hand on your shoulder. 

He was behind you. 

“You’re much more interesting.” 

Nanami gritted his teeth and ran back to you quickly, with a face that could only be described as something between concern and fear. He aimed a critical hit, but his blade was met with nothing, causing him to stumble forward but gracefully compose himself.

The curse was far behind him.

Your knees buckled. You didn’t even see him move, he was well over thirty feet away and he suddenly appeared behind you- you felt your throat tighten and your lungs fail to collect air as the shock subsided.

Your heart started racing, your hands clenched, and face flushed. 

“Well I’ll be damned! Nothing happened when I touched you either!” 

Suddenly, Nanami lunged at the curse, swinging his weapon to which the curse dodged. 

He shouted at you. 

“Hey! Are you aware of your unique soul?” 

You figured it was best to not engage at all. Swallowing a nervous lump in your throat. 

“Your fight is with me, leave them alone.” 

“Why bring them along then? It doesn’t have anything to do with the fact that their soul is in a different shape, does it?” 

“A different shape?” 

You muttered out. 

“Yeah! I’ve never seen anything like it. You two are sure an unforgettable pair. I really wonder what would happen if my cursed technique worked on you.” 

“Y/n.” 

Nanami's voice cleared the space of your spiraling thoughts. 

“Leave.” 

You hesitated for a second, before turning around and letting your feet carry out as fast as you could, back where you came in from. You heard fighting and struggling behind you as you disappeared into the dark, not daring to turn around. 

When you reached the entrance, you nearly vomited.

You held your stomach and doubled over, supporting yourself on some near railing, the events finally settling in. 

Everything seemed to be delayed in these slowly turning familiar terrifying circumstances. 

You were panting and shaking- trying desperately to compose yourself. 

“Y/n?” 

You slowly turned your head up trying not to hurl as the images and phrases repeated in your head. 

It was Yuuji, accompanied by a black-haired teen you hadn’t seen before. 

“Are you okay?” 

He looked so concerned.  

“Y-yeah. Just…” 

You felt bile build up in your throat, moving a hand over your mouth and the other to hold up your pointer finger in a ‘one second’ motion. 

The boys looked at each other awkwardly. 

“Just... adapting.” 

“I get it. It was hard for me too, in the beginning.” 

A still silence sat for a moment. 

“Wanna come with us? we could sit down somewhere and maybe get you a drink or something?” 

You slowly nodded your head yes. 

The darker-haired boy didn’t seem to talk at all as you and a Yuuji conversed, maybe he was just shy. You didn't care enough at the moment to ask questions though.

The three of you sat on concrete steps overlooking a river, holding sodas. 

“They were people once. And when I finally found that out, I just couldn’t hold back this feeling of dread.” 

“Yeah. I felt the same way.” 

“How do you do it? Keep it together? You both lived normal lives then suddenly had to throw it all away for monsters and magic.” 

“You don’t have a choice. These things, they’re true evil. They’re not people, and they only exist to kill. And I guess, knowing that they exist and that I can do something about it is better than not doing anything at all.” 

You sat on that. This was a chance for you to better the world, to make a change.

“I guess I never thought about it like that.” 

“And Y’know, you don’t get any awards or medals or credit or anything. No ordinary person will ever know what you do for them, but you have a community to share that with. It’s not like Spider-Man where he goes home every day and has to pretend everything is normal. You have friends who are like you!"

“Did you just compare Jujutsu society to Spider-man?” 

“It works doesn’t it!” He flashed you a smile that made you feel better.

It does.

“I just don’t think I’m ready. Ready to fight… monsters or anything.” 

“Not many people are. I guess I’m an exception because I want to help people more than anything. You just got to find that motivation!” 

What motivates you? 

You wanted to help people. But not as passionately as Yuuji did. You weren’t angry enough to take it out on curses like Gojo suggested, and you weren’t calculated like Nanami where you could treat this like a day-to-day job. 

So why even do this? Self-defense? 

Your head perked up. 

“Answers.” 

Yuuji turned his head over at you in confusion. 

“Huh?” 

“I want answers.” Your fist tightened. 

“I have to go, thank you.” 

Yuuji and the other boy stared at you as you walked off. 

You stormed inside the home after unlocking the front door. 

You took off your shoes and walked past Gojo on the couch. You didn’t utter a single word to him. 

“So, how’d it go?” 

“Tell me the truth.” 

“I asked you a question first.” 

He joked, but quickly his smile dropped as he saw the seething expression on your face. 

“I want answers, Satoru. No more half truths or bullshit.”  

With a blank expression he stood up, walking over to you. 

“What do you want to know?” 

#jjk #jjk fanfic #jujutsu kaisen #fanfic #jjk x reader #jujutsukaisen fanfiction #sukuna #sukuna x reader #ryomen x reader #ryomen sukuna #sukuna ryomen #jujutsu kaisen sukuna #gojo satoru #gojo x reader #jjk imagines

[spread-the-influence]

// hopping in again because 2 am is in the timeframe where i become so hyper on accidentally finding vibes like a nocturnal predator

. https://youtu.be/8Gopg80VXwc?si=j_vS5a5xUWvgiBRC

somehow sounds like t.i

// ASHES ASHES DUST TO DUST THE DEVIL'S AFTER THE BOTH OF US //

#[ ooc ] #i have Never heard of this song until now and now i'm obsessed holy fuck holy shit #“tell me i am good enough” me when i am a random doll who wants to please everyone to the point it's a source of manipulation #from the parasites in my brain #by making me think i'm being useful when i do things for them while also not hesitating to put me down when i fail #( i easily accept these words because i truly believe that everyone else's wellbeing is more important than mine #and do not like being seen as a failure or useless because it makes me do feel worthless #as i lack internal validation for myself #so everything is a personal failure on my part even when it isn't ) #i hollow out my being for the people that only serves to take and take and i fully let them do it #it's what is 'good' for me after all - at least that's what they tell me #... yeah here's some psychology

[watchandyoullsee]

Ariel Takes the Wheel

Scene 1: Ariel "Just Forgot"

King Triton (1989): "I just don't know what we're going to do with you, young lady."

Ariel (1989): "Daddy, I'm sorry, I just forgot, I--"

King Triton (2023): "It's irresponsible. Your sisters are only here for one phase of the Coral Moon. Can you imagine any one of them missing the gathering?"

Ariel (2023): "No, you're right. I'm sorry." (Excuse the watermark; I don't know where else to find images.) Of course, Flounder comes to her defense in the LA just like the 1989 version, saying it wasn't her fault, but Ariel realizes her mistake and takes full responsibility.

Scene 2: Blaming Sebastian

Ariel never blames anyone but herself in the 2023 version. She knows it's wrong to make the deal with Ursula in both versions, but the Live Action Ariel does not do it just for herself, but for both worlds -- after all, humans and merpeople may be different, but that doesn't make them enemies. Shipwrecks are alarmingly frequent, taking the lives of humans and damaging the seafloor below. Were the relations between the two peoples mended, perhaps their respective worlds could mend as well.

Thus, the stakes are higher. Had Triton been willing to listen while she had her voice (and it is understandable why he wasn't), she would never have had to give it up to be heard. 2023 Ariel not only rebels against her father because he made her upset (and she's obsessed with a human prince), but because she is doing what she believes is right for herself and her people. Since she heard Eric express a similar desire to bridge the gap between their kingdoms and the rest of the world (a desire she has never heard expressed by anyone else), it is only natural that she forms an immediate attachment to him. His beautiful face is not a motivating factor, but a nice bonus, and proof that humans are not all monsters.

Scene 3: Ariel "Didn't Mean To"

Ariel (1989): "Daddy, I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to! I didn't know!"

Ariel (2023): "I'm sorry, Father, this was all my fault."

The point of this comparison is to highlight how important it was that Ariel took the wheel of the ship at the end. These are two very different characters, and thus their character arcs are different. Ariel in 1989 was curious, naïve, stubborn, rebellious in the typical adolescent fashion, and innocent as an infant. Her arc wasn't the noblest for a princess, as notwithstanding her mistakes and lack of character growth, she managed to receive all that she desired in the end. She didn't need to kill Ursula because Eric was there to do it for her, just as Scuttle was there to stall the wedding and retrieve her voice, and Sebastian was there all the way along to get her closer to Eric. Animated Ariel did not take responsibility for her actions. How could she, when she didn't know any better? Every movement she made was in her own self-interest (though I think by the end she really did love Eric as a person and not just a pretty face). Still, we love her because she is the picture of wide-eyed, adventurous youth, and there is much room for her yet to grow up, even after she's married. Because of her carefree innocence, it's nigh impossible to hate her.

Live Action Ariel is also carefree to a point, but the weight of her title and responsibilities shines through in her character. She is ignorant about the Above World (by no means from lack of effort), but clearly educated as a princess should be regarding her own. She is less stubborn in her naivety and more secure in her sense of right and wrong. There is an important distinction to be made between knowing what is right and remaining steadfast in that knowledge, versus remaining immovable in one's obliviousness.

So why was it important that Ariel took the wheel in the climax? Because she had taken the wheel all along. Had she been trapped in a vortex like in the cartoon, a damsel in distress, it would have been a disservice to her particular character arc -- that of a girl who took responsibility for her actions at every turn. "Those sacrifices you made were a choice that you can't undo," she sings in 'For the First Time.' This thread of action->consequence->action would have been left dangling, unresolved if she had suddenly lost all power.

Does this in any way diminish Eric's character? Not at all. He was willing to sacrifice his life to be with Ariel through the storm. He did everything in his power to save her. He still threw the spear, which undoubtedly saved her life in that moment (and, might I say, was a display of incredible competence to have an aim underwater like that). In that way, he repays her in kind, after she'd rescued him from drowning.

As an aside, she mimics his exact movement when he had steered the ship earlier in the film. Had she not observed what he did in that storm, she might not have known what to do in the final battle.

Ariel still needed help -- she still needed the support and aid of her animal companions, Eric, the castle staff, and her father. BUT she also took plenty of action to satisfy her arc, avenged her father's death, and she gave credit where it was due:

Ariel (2023): "You gave your life for me."

King Triton (2023): "And you fought to get my life back."

Ariel (2023): "I didn't fight alone, Father. Eric was with me."

I hope this post makes it a little clearer why robbing Ariel of her ability to act in the climax of the film would have been a poor choice, specifically in the Live Action. And, by the way, you can still prefer one or the other, or neither. While I don't dislike the cartoon, I obviously prefer the more mature and responsible Ariel.

#the little mermaid 2023 #the little mermaid #ariel #prince eric #i am sorry for the watermarks #i don't know how to photoshop or anything #one day i will replace these images when we have access to better quality #also it might be worth mentioning that she saves flounder from the shark by pure ingenuity #after putting him in danger #which is another time she corrects a mistake so someone she loves doesn't suffer the consequences of her actions #i think she's a much better role model in the 2023 version ngl #i realize this post is going to offend some people but what Doesn't offend people these days? #please relax - we're talking about disney films here #i'm not forcing you to share my opinions #text #my thoughts #btw it's not important that eric “repays” ariel for saving his life #because she did so out of love #both parties in a truly loving relationship must be willing to give their All for the other #and they both gave 100% #in fact #eric's life was more at risk during the climax (after the spear-throwing) than ariel's was #she didn't risk her life for his until she grabbed ursula to redirect her fire at the eels #and ariel climbing aboard the ship and steering it was a risk to her life in favor of eric's as well #so i'd say you can call it Even despite the fact that romance is never 50/50

[stormyoceans]

episode 7 of vice versa truly the most deranged piece of media in television history you literally have:

talay being ready to sacrifice his own happiness and pushing puen towards pang because losing puen to someone else is better than the possibility of losing him to death

puen wearing talay's shirt and saying that he sleeps so well in it because it smells like talay

TALAY MANHANDLING PUEN OUT OF THE SHIRT AND PUEN SAYING HE LIKED IT

PUEN ASKING TALAY TO GIVE HIM A BATH

TALAY ACTUALLY DOING IT (THIS IS WHERE YOU JUST KNOW THEY BELONG TOGETHER THEY'RE BOTH INSANE)

THE LITTLE HEAD SCRATCH!!!!!!!

talay going through all of tess' perfumes just to find the one puen liked and dressing up as if he were going on a date (TALAY STAND UP MY GUY STAND YOURSELF UPPPPPP)

THE BEST JOKE EVER MADE AKA CARBO-NARAK

talay calling puen 'kitten'!!!!!!!!!!

puen making only one wish which turns out to be a confession to talay

THE ALMOST KISS WHICH I CAN'T TALK ABOUT WITHOUT A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS INTERVENTION TEAM IN THE ROOM WITH ME TO KEEP ME SEDATED

"because talay's smile is your smile, puen"

THE ENTIRE RECONCILIATION SCENE AT THE END ESPECIALLY THE FOREHEAD KISS FOLLOWED BY THE FOREHEAD TOUCH

#just as a clarification all of vice versa episodes are insane but episode 7 is truly just hit after hit #also most underrated episode EVER so what if it has a lot of product placements!!!!! there's more important stuff happening here!!!!!! #i may be a bit bitter about it ;;;;;; #vice versa #m: txt #love escaping the horrors by rewatching vice versa why isn't vice versa enjoyer an acceptable career path

[solarisgod]

WE DID IT GUYS!!! WE ALL FINALLY FINISHED THE FIRST SAGA SEASON ONE OF THE STARWAKE SYSTEM'S SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

#𓁹 ༑ ࿐ྂ ⩇⩇ : ⩇⩇ ⚠︎ [ 𝙴𝚇𝙸(𝚂)𝚃 : 𝙶𝙾𝙳 ] * ‹ OOC . › #[ ✨ : THREE MONTHS ROLEPLAYING THIS SYSTEM OF STARS AND FINALLY WE GOT OVER SEASON ONE 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨 ] #[ us cluster still have a lot to write / roleplay over in the beginning of season one bUUTTTT MOST PARTS GOT COVERED AND AAAAHHHHHHHHH ] #[ AGAIN THANK YOU SO SO SO MUCH TO THOSE WHO HAD BEEN KEEPING TRACK ON THE FESTIVAL EVENT ] #[ AND PARTICIPATING WITH THE POLLS!!!!!!!!!!!!! ] #[ now the YOU / THE AUDIENCE can finally interact with Micah / Starwake Sys... DO EXPECT MORE CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE THREADS W/ THEM!! ] #[ it's gonna be SO fucking cool just you all WA I T!!!!!!! ] #[ no one talk to me about the fact that Adoniram is alive still it'S SOJZbhgfI)(U*GY*YYGHSJJFBLMKNFJ ] #[ MAN MAN MAN........ HEAD IN HANDS ] #[ SO VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO WRITE THIS STORY OUT MORE WITH YOU ALL ] #[ we will write an important psa regarding what's happening with Micah / the Starwake System now after the festival event ] #[ BUT ONCE MORE thank you so dearly much everyone for the continuous interest and participation!!! ] #[ this is truly one of few greatest experiences we got to do on here and rhgrhrgrhrg thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 ]

[meatmensch]

.

#thinking again abt the horrible things he said to me bc some of them were so stupid and mean i will never truly get over it until i go to #his house with the hammer!! #'why are you interested in the yiddish language' 'well first of all most yiddish speakers are dead it's a dying language it's a fucking #murdered language and i think it's important to preserve plus it's cool' 'well by that logic most english speakers are dead too' here's #what i should have done in that scenario. get up grab my things grab my keys and leave. versus what i did. continued to try to explain to #him why i'm passionate about the culture for hours and he never truly got it. #and it was so funny because the next day HE was all mopey. i was like 'what's your problem' he was like 'i think i feel bad about some of #the stuff i said last night...' here's what i should've said. 'yeah you rat bastard you should feel really bad you suck i hate you beg on #your knees for forgiveness.' versus what i did. a simple dose of the silent treatment #i will never get over this i will never get over this because no one i have cared so much about and thought was so kind and understanding #has been so stupid he's just an antisemite. i was like he's not a nazi he's just dumb. girl when u gotta ask urself 'is he a nazi' get out #of there pronto. and of course i feel stupid for still having feelings about this a year later. but i don't need to feel that way it's ok. #ok i'm tired. goodnight #personal log #back again. reread the texts i sent to my best friend immediately after that conversation like righttt i'm not crazy that WAS mean. thank #you melanie from a year ago!

[goldentigerfestival]

boy does Fluri make me feel things. a lot of things. i love. them.

#GTF Things #sometimes I wanna just write like. this gigantic post abt them. and why their relationship is perfected in context #but with the context of all the side material too? like drama CDs and the movie and the novel #bc plot/story inconsistencies aside it all really adds up in a straight line and creates an amazing story of their relationship #and for the life of me I cannot stop thinking about how all of it adds up into this super deeply realistic relationship #like it's not idealized. it's not perfect. it's not a shiny happy little ship where everything goes perfectly #it has all the bad moments where they still love each other through it but they DO hurt each other without truly meaning to #it's just that sometimes i wanna talk abt the depth of their relationship and how it goes so much deeper than #just what we got in the game but how all of it cumulates into what we have in the game from beginning to end #and how everything in the game (JP bc the dub removed a LOT of important tone between them vocally) #does also have a full progression of their relationship that ends in their favor and probably wouldn't EVER be rocky again after that #like I think by the end of the game they've come out on top of any possibility of ever letting that happen again #the unfortunate part is really just. idk who cares abt reading ship essays or who cares abt Fluri #except like idk five people LMAO. I know I'm kinda new here and don't know many ppl but #I legitimately don't know many ppl who care abt the ship at least particularly deeply as an OTP #but narratively speaking they are literally one of my favorite ships ever bc of how deep the content for them goes

[phantastragoria]

Watched B-Mask's video essays on the Sly games trilogy for the millionth time (you should watch them too btw) and I can't stop thinking of the similarities between Vol. 3 and Honor Among Thieves specifically in both dealing with the characters having to decide what comes next in their lives seperate from each other because they just can't do the same job forever, but what the Sly games do that the GotG films don't is build up to that being a main plot point from the second game up to the ending of the third. Vol. 3 really makes the odd choice to have that become a background plot point and then expects the audience to just be okay with them all suddenly deciding to part ways within ten minutes at the very end.

I can't stress this enough, but my problem isn't that everyone goes to do their own thing. My problem is that suddenly being the end goal of Vol. 3 after two films + a holiday special where that was never a possibility or a problem in the first place. The only reason everyone stopped progressing (and even then mainly just Rocket and Peter. You can say Mantis got held back but even she had character development to realize what she wanted during her time with them so she wasn't literally held back like she was with Ego) was because both of their lives only came to a screeching halt after what happened outside of the core films (IW+EG) But the film itself didn't even bother to address any of that stuff aside from only Peter being depressed about Gamora. So it comes off rather moot to me, personally.

#lex thoughts #gotg thoughts #guardians of the galaxy spoilers #gotg spoilers #vol 3 spoilers #universe: mcu #i know im in the minority because everyone else on the planet thinks the ending is perfect #i just dont see it. if this was really the goal then they shouldve dissolved the guardians as a team completely #because i just don't see how being together was this rock holding EVERYONE down lol #no it wasnt a perfect life but regardless they did things that bettered themselves and helped others (mantis. nebula. etc) #so i just. i dont know. everyone outside of drax and nebula's choices just felt like face value happy endings #not what they actually truly needed especially if they needed to move on from each other #and by the iw/eg stuff especially being moot aside from all the gamora crap (which im not getting into here) is like #you're really telling me it wasnt important enough to mention at least once? #you're telling me rocket wouldn't be upset that they wanted to immediately leave after all the horrible shit he experienced? #and even after only having them back for a short while after the five years everyone was gone? insanity #truly im just peeved they didnt buy and go live on a moon

[cheekblush]

today was so much better at work now that i'm back at my regular pharmacy

#i'm not even exhausted after my 10 hour shift #bc i don't have to be standing the whole time and talk to customers & the working environment is just so much more comfortable #i'm so glad i'm not in that other pharmacy anymore i was so drained after each shift #i even got to talk to a woman from hr today & tell her about my horrible experience there #the working environment is truly so important like i worked just as long today but i don't feel absolutely worn out #gonna make myself overnight oats now! #things are looking up i just need to take it day by day and be kind to myself #just like the anon said i can be proud of myself i just need to unlearn all this shame about my past #i'm a worthy lovable and valuable person regardless of what i achieve in life #i'm trying and i'm still here and that's all that matters! #☁️