#and I've tried EVERYTHING that it is possible to try but this feeling of loss and loneliness and sadness and grief? I guess? you can grieve | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aloesarchives · 3 months

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Two for the Price of One (JJK Oneshot)

TW/Warnings: Profanity, NOT POLY SATOSUGU X READER, Fem Reader and She/Her pronouns, ANGST, Angst for Satoru and Reader, Bittersweet ending for Suguru and Reader, HIGHKEY MISCOMMUNICATION, Possible OOC Satoru, abandonment issues if you squint really hard, Reader slowly losing herself, Reader feeling depression/hopeless(implicit), Reader's has a healthy dynamic with her clan

Series: Jujutsu Kaisen

Pairing: Satoru Gojo x Fem!Reader/Suguru Geto x Fem!Reader

AU: Canon

Pronouns: She/Her(Reader's clan has a unrealistic healthy and understanding relationship with her)

Word Count: 6.1k words

Summary: Gojo's lack of coping caused you to drift away and eventually depart after Suguru's defection from Jujutsu Society.

(A/N): I know it doesn't make sense and will make many frustrated with how dumb this is. I just wanted to write my emotions out with this one, okay? I know this wouldn't slide but I'm a sucker for these scenarios. Edit: Since I've been getting positive reactions from you guys, I decided to take out the cringe/unrealistic out of the warning/tws lists. I truly love and appreciate you, loves!❤️

[!!Semi-edited & Proofread!!! 2/8/2024 4:04pm CST]

It was hard on all of you.

More so for you and Satoru.

Ever since Geto’s massacre and defection, the higher-ups and Jujutsu society have been scrambling to get the chaos under control. Having a special grade user become a curse user was sounding red alarms as there was an immediate threat to present-day Jujutsu sorcery.

You knew something was up with Suguru. You did; your observation wouldn’t allow things to go unnoticed. It was a bit here and there, but never a significant concern. You tried coaxing him gradually to open up to you, but your efforts were fruitless. No bells were ringing until the post-Plasma Star Vessel incident. You felt the shift in Suguru’s aura; you noticed his lifeless stare—the growing dark circles around his eyes surrounding the tiny flicker of life left inside.

You tried being there for Suguru. You did anything and everything to accompany him and not leave him alone. It was selfish of you. To be desperate for your best friend to lean on you for support and not to go down a destructive path. You became even more worried when Haibara returned cold with a frustrated and traumatized Nanami. It was becoming more evident of Suguru’s deteriorating condition, you to confide in Shoko and even Yaga-sensei.

Grief is like love, a twisted parasitic curse. Even though a year has passed, your grief was a malevolent spirit that latched itself onto your shoulders with a vice grip. A bitter reminder of how Suguru never said goodbye to you. He technically did with Satoru. But it was more of him telling Satoru that he was severing ties with Jujutsu Society by questioning him with his newfound powers. All you got from Suguru was a simple letter Shoko gave you at your dorm. She was with you as you read it. Tear droplets stained the paper, words smeared, and became unreadable. Out of pure frustration, you ripped the paper in half—the tearing of paper cut through the sickening silence. Shoko hugged you as you sobbed in the aftermath. While you were mourning the loss of your friend and your lives together, you were also mourning your life after this would never be the same. It would only get worse from here.

Satoru is tossed onto multiple missions left and right, never catching a break.

And there was you, trying to return to your regular school life. Or how every day can it be now? One of your best friends just murdered an entire village and his parents, and the other one is overworking himself to the very bone. Shoko being there for you was a surprising one, but at the same time, it wasn’t. Given that she was the first one Suguru said goodbye to, she understood his actions.

The problem was trying to tell Satoru about it, but he would brush it off, saying that maybe it was the change in weather or sickness. When you tried to explain there was more to it, Satoru would wave his hand at you, saying,

“You’re overthinking too much, (Y/N)-chan! I’m sure Suguru is fine. We just have to give him some time.”

Though the tone was light-hearted, it provided no comfort. You know Satoru was suffering as well. Individuals process trauma differently, after all. You were seeing this first hand.

Satoru was overcompensating to the world of Jujutsu with his enlightenment, overworking himself and burying his pain through that charismatic mask he now dons. Suguru is the most common one: Insomnia, isolation, and depression. He slowly became a lifeless husk. On the other hand, you were coping by trying to move forward while acting like a rock for them. Despite the hard transition, you didn’t deny your trauma as you slowly worked to process and navigate through it. You had the support of Shoko, your teacher, and even your clan/family stepped in to support your mental health endeavors. They went as far as providing you with a therapist, who was also a sorcerer.

But you all were suffering in silence.

A year has passed since Suguru left, and you were getting by. You, Shoko, and Satoru would graduate in the third year and officially become Jujutsu Sorcerers. Yet, at this point, it felt more like only you and Shoko. Satoru still attended class and hung out, but missions mainly preoccupied his school life. He recently returned from Hokkaido, only to be sent out again. This time, however, it was somewhere in Western Europe. That’s on the other side of the world. It would only be for a week, but still. You wanted him to rest or take a break, as he never did– not since the incident.

He wouldn’t be leaving for another seven days, so you had enough time to be with him. Yet it was challenging because Satoru didn’t let up. The ravine he created kept opening, the distance stretching far and deep, pushing you away.

Just like Suguru.

You didn’t want to lose Satoru. You almost did, becoming a grim reminder of how much you cared for Satoru Suguru. To fall for your best friend was a betrayal. You didn’t mean it, but Satoru did things that made your heart warm and fluttered. Suguru was the first to catch on; he saw your crush a mile away. Confiding in Suguru about it, you found solace in his words– feeding into an enviable delusion.

Unbeknownst to you, Suguru's eyes were able to hide his longing for you as you rambled about Satoru and your latest hangout together. Suguru always thought you and Satoru had a special connection—your two powerful chemistry and how you bounce off each other. He presumed Satoru had mutual feelings, but nothing was said. Once he left, he knew you had his heart. There was no space for anyone else to fill it but you. And Suguru was more than willing to live with reality. If the girl who gave his life light is with his best friend, so be it. He would settle with the heartache as long as you were happy.

But you weren’t happy at all.

Over time, you started questioning whether the life of a Jujutsu Sorcerer was worth it. Yes, you were born into the world of Jujutsu, and it has been your whole life. But the last two years radically changed that. You were already exposed to this life's dangers and cruelty; prepare to face it head-on no matter what. Yet second thoughts became third thoughts. Then, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh. The more you challenge your initial mindset, the more doubts seep into its cracks.

Why should I continue when I am nothing more than a placeholder in this world?

How can I save everyone if I can’t save one person?

Where is the meaning in all of this if I’ll just die alone and be replaced and forgotten?

Was this endless cycle of Jujutsu Sorcery even worth it?

You wondered if Suguru shared the same thoughts to push him to his decision. Now, you don’t blame him for leaving at all. It was grime. It was depravity. It was futile. You only stayed because you had your clan. You had Yaga-sensei and Shoko. But most of all, you had Satoru to shoulder the burdens of the Jujutsu world.

That’s. . .what you thought. . .

You decided to go to Satoru’s dorm to check up on him. Maybe squeeze a hangout in there. Gently knocking, you hope he was there since you couldn’t sense him around the campus. There was faint shuffling on the other side, signaling he was. You softly call out to him as you knock again. Once opened, Satoru greeted you in his school uniform. You found it odd since he’d switched to his comfortable clothes after school hours.

“Hi, Toru! I just came by to see how you’re doing. The mochi store we always go to releases its seasonal flavors today! Why don’t you come with me? I heard one of your favorites returned, so I didn’t want you to miss it.”

“I appreciate the thought, (Y/N). But not today, I’m sorry.” Satoru said with a smile.

You couldn’t pinpoint his smile, tittering on, sad and strained. A tinge of uneasiness settled inside your heart, but you still wore your smile to not let it surface.

“C’mon, Toru! You don’t know if they will sell out today. Plus, the weather is great. I heard some festivals with food stands are opening up because of that. It wouldn’t hurt to go out just this once, Satoru.”

Satoru’s smile disappears at your insistence, replacing it with a fine line. His mood change didn’t sit well with you. You had previous attempts to get Satoru to care for himself. However, this is different from all your others because the band that holds your desperation began to wane itself thin. Your solid composure falters in bits. Your bright aura slowly dimmed as your now chapped lips twitched.

“Satoru, I know that you’re busy. Always on missions, meeting the higher-ups, your clan needing you more than ever, you have your hands tied. But it wouldn’t be too much just to enjoy yourself. Just come with me today before you go to Europe next week. It’s been a while since we hung out together.”

“Look (Y/N), I don’t really have time for this. I need to head out now, or it will get dark. Maybe another time–”

Then something inside of you snaps. You didn’t know whether it was your desperation or uneasiness, but assumed both because your facade crumbles to reveal your emotions.

“You always say later, Satoru, but never do! You haven’t taken a break in months! You’ve gotten paler, and your under-eyes are darker than before! You’re pushing yourself too hard and beginning to neglect yourself. Toru, Please! I’m worried about you! You know I can always help you–”

“For the love of God, (Y/N)! Can you STOP TALKING?! GOD, YOUR VOICE MAKES MY EARS BLEED! LIKE HELL YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND MY RESPONSIBILITIES!”

It was never your intention to snap. But the way Satoru was acting paralleled Suguru. Eat, sleep, and go on missions. It was always those three, the same ones Suguru was subjected to that became a factor in his defection. Satoru was caught in the vicious cycle that pushed Suguru over the edge.

On top of your crippling fear of Satoru sharing the same fate as Suguru, Déjà vu struck you. Desperation emerged from within as you didn’t want to lose him, breaking your resolve before him. Desperation was fear in another form.

You weren’t the only one to reach a breaking point. Satoru snapped as well and at you, of all people. You guessed it was from all the stress and emotions he bottled up that exploded there. What Satoru was experiencing was valid and understandable; you knew this. Yet to blow up at you was uncalled for as you made it clear you’re only helping. Your eyes sting as you feel the formation of tears ready themselves, biting the inside of your bottom lip to keep your voice from breaking.

“B-but. . .Satoru. . .I w-was only trying to–” You stuttered out, forcibly pushing out words to fill the silence.

“Help? You were trying to help, (Y/N)?”

Once saying that Satoru let out a sarcastic laughter that could be mistaken for madness. Horror took over your face. Pain-filled eyes were glossed over, showing your tears could spill at any moment. His laughter abruptly stopped, making it so quiet that only your staggered breathing could be heard. He meets his eyes with yours with the most disdain you have ever seen.

“Do you think you could help when you’re just dead weight? You thought you were on par with Suguru and me. Get that out of your stupid little head of yours (Y/N). You were never strong like us.”

“You don’t mean that, right, Satoru?” You said incredulity as you reached out for him. Only for your hand to freeze before him, not going any further. A chill flashed over you, adding to the aching that enveloped your soul.

Did he– Did he just use his infinity on you?

“Oh, but I do. Now, I need to be somewhere. Do yourself a favor, (Y/N), and don’t bother me with your weak presence.”

And before you knew it, Satoru was already gone. He had used his teleportation to get to where he was needed. Leaving you alone with the door to his dorm wide open. The sounds of the crickets took over. They were paired with your small sniffles, furiously wiping away your nonstop tears.

Were you weak to him?

Have you really been holding everyone back?

Were you that much of a nuisance to him?

Is this how Satoru really felt about you?

Has he always felt this way?

You never saw utter detest and contempt from Satoru. Your previous interactions had him irritated or annoyed, but never like this. This was the first time Satoru had blown up on you, let alone given you such a reaction. Before, you’d repeatedly remind him of your support and help. But it always ends the same way, pushing you away. After what happened, this will be the last time you’d do this for him.

You were once told that you can’t help someone if they aren’t reaching out for help. And this was a bitter example of it. Your efforts in having Satoru lean on you bore nothing. What’s the point in continuing this if nothing changes after multiple attempts?

You were tired, drained, and indifferent. Your tears keep falling as you enter your dorm, not even stopping as the sound of nature lulls you to sleep.

You let two days pass to let Satoru calm down and give him space. No interactions or anything to pass some time. You would try to contact him for the next four days after that. But your texts were left unanswered and on read. When you tried calling, your call went straight to voicemail. He blocked your phone number, too.

The weight of your doubts and Satoru’s words the other day are fueling your impulsivity. If Satoru called you weak and dead weight, other sorcerers would think so, too. If you become a thorn in their side, you’re doing them a favor by pulling yourself out for them. Even if Satoru didn’t mean it, you knew there was some truth to it because he kept his infinity up. You could never forget how his blue eyes lit through his pitch-dark glasses as he spoke down at you. Giving away that he was conscious and level-headed when he said those words.

You were losing the war against your intrusive mind. Your doubts and thoughts gradually solidified in your consciousness. In the course of time, they won and consumed your psyche.

If becoming a jujutsu sorcerer would get in the way of others, then being a sorcerer wasn’t for you.

With your last attempts to contact Satoru, you have made your decision. A day before Satoru departs for Europe, you decide to pay your clan head a visit. It was sudden and unannounced; nonetheless, they allowed an audience with you.

They let you speak your mind, allowing whatever you need to be released and run free without judgment. Thus, you confided in them about everything.

This was too much; all of it was too much for you to bear any longer. You couldn’t see yourself as a sorcerer any longer after dealing with what you had experienced. Every day was a battle for you, and you lost every single one. You admitted you didn’t have what’s left of you it in you to shoulder the responsibilities of the Jujutsu world. You didn’t want the life of a jujutsu sorcerer anymore. You wanted one of peace, not having to fight every day. To enjoy the rest of your days as a regular civilian.

Confiding also in missing Suguru dearly and how his departure left a hole in your heart that could never be healed. You weren’t strong enough to face the horrors and hardships anymore and wish to live a peaceful life.

Although your clan head was shocked at your confession, they were understanding and asked if this was something you truly wanted. An unwavering ‘Yes’ left you, and your clan head nodded. They gave you a choice: to go after graduation in a few weeks or leave now. If you leave now, they will deal with the rest as you finish the important schoolwork. It was just a waiting game with missions sprinkled throughout.

You could wait before leaving, but that’s wasting time. If you weren’t going to continue your life here, you might as well get a headstart now in your new one. You finalize your decision with the head. They said they would have some members pick up your stuff from your dorms tomorrow morning, but you said it wouldn’t be much. As you took your leave, you told them you would keep in touch with the clan.

“What are your plans for what happens next, (Y/N)?” They curiously asked with your back facing them.

“Hmm, I don’t know exactly. But I have an idea, (Clan Head’s Name). Thank you for everything that you’ve done.”

With a reassuring voice, you turn to respectfully bow before leaving their room. Though they never said it out loud, they saw how your eyes were soft, like tremendous pressure was relieved from your body.

Thinking about it as you leave the estate, you never mentioned your fight with Satoru. Though it wouldn’t change anything. That night, you packed your dorm in your suitcase. Only leave your bedsheets, a pillow, and a few desk appliances behind. Your closet and drawers were empty of any clothes you had. By 10 a.m. tomorrow, any trace left of you would be gone. As you write a letter to whoever finds it about your whereabouts, your thoughts return to Suguru. To playfully think he did the exact same thing before his defection.

You looked at your school uniform as it hung on your door. You contemplated taking it with you but decided against it. You wanted no strings left attached when you leave the world of Jujutsu Sorcery.

Morning came as you stared at the room you once called your own. The remainder of your things are packed in cardboard boxes for your clan members to get later. You glance back over to your desk as your school uniform is neatly folded on top of it. Your lips are graced with a sentimental smile as you close the door one last time.

As you walked along the campus, fleeting memories of your days here flooded your mind. You reminisced on the areas and places you spent your youth with your friends and classmates. Now you’re leaving Jujutsu Tech and the Jujutsu World forever. Never to come back. You get to the main entrance of the school.

Before taking another step, you sensed someone behind you.

“So you're leaving, too, (Y/N)?”

It was Shoko.

“Yeah. . . Shoko. I’m going. . .”

She blows out a large smoke cloud from her cigarette, giving you a blank look before sending you a smile.

“At least say goodbye to me. . .I don’t blame you for going. . .” Shoko adds as she holds out her arms. You chuckle at her gesture and give her a hug. By the slight firm grip you felt, she didn’t want you to go, but she couldn’t stop you either.

Once you break away from the hug, you remember something and fish out a folded paper in your bag. You handed it to Shoko, and she eyed it curiously.

“I was going to leave it in my dorm for someone to find, but I thought it would work better if I gave this to you if I ran into it on my way out. My clan is sending members to get the last of my things, so I won’t return to my dorm. Sorry I had to make you the messenger again, Shoko.” You bittersweetly said.

You find it ironic that your departure is similar to Suguru’s. Shoko is the first to see you two go while giving her a letter for the others to read. You laugh as you think this over.

Oh, how history repeats itself.

Shoko tucks away your letter before taking a drag from her smoke.

“Does he know about this?”

You knew she was referring to Satoru. You shook your head no, still have a small smile.

“No, unfortunately. Satoru and I got into a arg– disagreement a few days ago. I don’t know if he’s okay with me to begin with, as cowardly to say. The only ones that know are you and my clan head.”

She hums at your response before going for another drag.

“Your phone number still the same?”

“I don’t really plan on changing my phone number. Even if I do, I’ll text you the new number so you can give it to the others.”

“I see. . .See you around, (Y/N). Keep in touch, will ya?”

“I will. I’ll see you around then. Bye, Shoko.”

Giving Shoko one last hug, you wave goodbye as you leave Jujutsu’s High entrance, disappearing from view. Not daring to look back because regret might come if you did.

Shoko watches from afar, her cigarette being halfway done. She takes one last puff before extinguishing it with the bottom of her shoe. She looks at your letter. The paper was crisp with no wrinkles like it had been fresh from the printer. From this, Shoko knew you had written it recently, no hesitation evident on the page itself. Unlike Suguru’s, her fingers tighten on your letter as she sighs while entering the school.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

“What brings you here? He’s a busy man.”

“I’m just an old acquaintance of his. Just a simple chat. It won’t take long, I promise.”

The pretty attendant raises a brow at you as she guides you to one of the rooms. She looks you up and down before facing forward again.

“You have a substantial amount of curse energy. You have a curse technique then; aren’t you a jujutsu sorcerer?”

“I…used to be…but not anymore…I chose to leave that life. I’m just a civilian that has a curse technique.”

You see the attendant smile out of the corner of your eye at your answer.

“I see. Geto-sama will be happy to take audience with you then.”

You shouldn’t be here. You knew that. Walking in taboo territory could get you hunted down by the very society you were born into. It’s not a secret of Suguru’s position as both a curse user and a cult leader. You remember hearing about him reforming a cult that worshiped Tengan but dissolved after the incident. You found it interesting he hasn’t done collateral damage yet. No incidents or missions revolving around curses terrorizing civilians. Perhaps he was going for something on a larger scale, you thought.

But you missed Suguru dearly. Not in a sentimental reminiscing way. More as in yearning for him entirely. Everyone tells you it’s not the same with Suguru gone, obviously. Yeah, but Suguru plagued your mind after his defection. You want nothing more than to see him again. Yes, things couldn’t go back to the way they were. But you didn’t like the prospects of what your future would hold if you stayed.

You disagreed with Suguru ridding the world of non-sorcerers. But you also understand and agree the current Jujutsu system is a dumpster fire that will never work. At the end of the day, only those the higher-ups favor will get to stay while the rest are sent off to die. You didn’t want to take part in that. You valued your life to know it shouldn’t be tossed around so easily by some dementia geezers who can’t even fight. And yet, you felt a tinge of regret for not staying to fix or break the system. Your only option was to leave and not involve yourself anymore.

The attendant takes you to the room, saying he will arrive shortly. Leaving you alone, you felt your heart race. You hope Suguru doesn’t kill you because he can sense your curse energy. Yet his letter was heartfelt and raw. His apology and the paragraphs after them were for you and you alone, like a confession. Even though you ripped the letter, you keep the two halves. Strangely enough, there was an address and a few words at the bottom of the page.

‘You know where to find me.’

Here you are, waiting for him with the same letter he sent. As you wait, you can feel his energy get closer. You stare down, kneeling, the letter shaking like a leaf in your hands.

Then the door opens.

You let out a small gasp, not daring to look up as the footsteps approach his seat. A soft chuckle fills the room as you keep your head low.

“I thought I was mistaken when I felt your curse energy. But I now know my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. Please, lift your head so I can see you (Y/N).”

Your gaze meets Suguru’s soft eyes and warm smile. Both genuine and kind. His eyes widen before returning back to soft when he sees the tears trickling down for your lovely eyes he could get lost in. You stumble to stand, practically pouncing at Suguru. His embrace was like gates opening for you and closing once you entered. You softly sob into his robes as he holds you tightly. Comforting you by gently rubbing your back and hair, giving a soft kiss to the top of your head.

“I missed you so much, Suguru!” was all you said before you continued to sniffle and hiccup into him.

Suguru hums as he pulls away to better view your face. You felt self-conscious as he lovingly gazed at you. Your nose and cheeks were raw from crying, and your eyes became an irritated red. Suguru smiles, wiping away your endless tears with his thumb.

“Oh, (Y/N). I’m sorry for leaving you behind. You understand, don’t you? From my letter?”

You nodded to respond. Holding the paper in front of Suguru. He notices the tear stains and ink smudges from the words he wrote down.

“I would’ve told you in person, (Y/N). Believe me. But I couldn't once they announced my charges. You would’ve been questioned as a possible accomplice. I didn’t want that for you. Do you know what it means for you to see me now?”

“Yes, I’m aware. But I left of my own accord; it wasn’t just for you, Suguru. I wouldn’t be able to last long if I stayed. So I decided to go, leaving it behind, all of it.”

He was a bit puzzled by what you meant. But it didn’t take long for him to piece it himself. Suguru figured something happened between you and Satoru but decided to stay silent out of respect. You both stare with relief and tenderness. Suguru gingerly takes your hand and places a light kiss on your knuckles. You set your unoccupied hand on his cheek, quietly giggling as Suguru leans into your delicate touch. He sighed in contentment. Bring your hand up again to kiss it as he wraps his free arm around your waist. His sincere smile radiates down onto you.

“I guess we have some catching up to do then, (Y/N).”

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Satoru was in a better mood today than before.

Satoru cooled off his head after a couple of days from when he made that outburst at you. He was stressed and tired of being continuously sent out on missions, and you did make a point that he hasn’t taken a break in months. He remembered what he said to you that evening, which made him feel guilty.

He knows he hasn’t been around because the higher-ups have sent him out like a work dog. It was now you and Shoko with him. The stabilization you two had on him once Suguru left.

You’ve been only trying to help him for a long time. Being there for him in your own way while coaxing him to hang out. Yet he took it for granted and said some vile things because his bucket decided to overflow then out of all the times it shouldn’t. You didn’t deserve that. You also didn’t deserve the silent treatment he gave you. He saw your text messages and listened to the voicemails you left. He did not answer because he was too prideful and stubborn to admit he was stressed and hurt you like that.

But sitting with his emotions and reflecting on how stupid he is for prioritizing his ego, he decided to cut down his pride and make it up to you. He unblocked your number and was going to call you. But he chose to just surprise you instead he chickened out. Satoru knew the European mission was a nuisance to his plans, so he had already taken care of it. By that, Satoru somehow teleported himself to where he needed to be in Europe, slayed the high-level curses, retrieved some curse objects, reported what he did, and teleported back to Japan in four hours.

He did all this at the last minute on the sixth day before Satoru was supposed to leave. He did this to stay and spend the whole week with you, make up for lost time, and give a proper apology.

Now, Satoru was strolling through Jujutsu Tech. He whistles as he holds a bouquet of (favorite flowers), a box with a (favorite color) bracelet with (favorite designs/charms), and a bag of mochi and daifuku for you two to share together. He walks around the grounds, trying to search you. He was told no classes today, so he went to your favorite spots. You weren’t anywhere.

‘Huh, that’s strange. (Y/N) would usually be in those places when class is not in session. I wonder where she could be.’

Satoru thought about dropping by your dorm but figured you were with Shoko. On the other hand, he couldn’t sense Shoko around either until Satoru felt it alongside Yaga-sensei. He sensed them in Yaga’s building, so he headed there.

Blissfully unaware of what would await him.

Satoru clutches your gifts to one side as he opens the door to enter. His six eyes hadn’t kicked in yet, but something in the air felt off. His sun smile hasn’t dropped yet as he scans around, wondering why the two were quiet when he entered.

“Yo, Yaga-sensei, Shoko! I’ve been trying to look for you guys. By any chance know where (Y/N) is so I can give these to her?”

He looks at his teacher, and Satoru’s demeanor instantly changes. There, Yaga stood with his glasses off, clutching a piece of paper with a stern frown. Satoru turns to Shoko, a somber expression replacing her lighthearted one. Satoru just looked back and forth between the two before his eyes settled on the paper in his teacher’s hand. Satoru stands stunned, hearing his heartbeat in his ears grow louder and louder. The air from his lungs disappeared as realization dawned on him.

Satoru clenched his teeth as he teleported to your dorm room, the clap resonating throughout the hall. He burst open your dorm door, and to his horror, your room was empty. The room was stripped of everything that made it yours. The closet and drawers were emptied, and your desk and bed were bare of anything from you. What used to be your dorm is now an empty dorm room, ready for the next person to claim it. He frantically looks around in hopes of finding any reminds of you.

Then, he spotted your old Jujutsu High uniform, laying neatly on top of your old desk. Satoru just stares, not daring to pick it up. Because if he did, he would’ve broken down. He can’t stay there anymore, to which he teleports back. He bears his pearly white teeth as he closes in on his teacher.

“Where the hell is (Y/N)?” Satoru lowly said.

“Gone, Satoru–”

“I know she’s gone! But where?! Why the hell is all her stuff gone?! Her room is completely empty!”

“Satoru,” Yaga tried calmly speaking, but he was clearly frustrated. “I know this is so sudden. But the (L/N)’s clan head said something came up with (Y/N), and they retrieved all her things. Her clan said they were going to deal with everything else.”

Satoru's breathing became staggered. He could hear it growing louder. He tried his best not to let his voice crack, but that made him angrier.

“Everything else? The hell does that mean, sensei? Why would the (L/N) clan withdraw (Y/N) from school?! School ends in a few weeks! She could have graduated with us!”

“It…wasn’t their decision, Satoru…It was (Y/N)’s…”

Suddenly, Satoru became flabbergasted. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This gotta be some twisted, cruel joke that was playing on him. His curse energy was flaring up, and his cerulean eyes lit lightly. The flowers from the bouquet were losing their petals, and his bag full of treats was getting smushed from his intense grip.

“What…?”

“The clan head said it themselves.”

“No…”

“She decided not to be a Jujutsu Sorcerer and leave Jujutsu society.”

“LIKE HELL SHE WOULD!!!” Just like that, everything came crashing down for Satoru. Not being in your usual spots on campus, the empty dorm; hell, he noticed your curse residuals becoming faint. The traces of them becoming weaker and weaker. Your presence here in Jujutsu High was fading faster than he could notice. The anger he built up showed itself as it was on full display. Honestly, Yaga and Shoko don’t blame him for his outburst. Satoru held you close, after all.

“Satoru, please.” Yaga pinches the bridge of his nose as he clenches his teeth. “I’m just as lost as you are. This came out of the blue…Her clan confirmed it, and she said it herself.”

Satoru slightly flinches when Yaga holds the paper out towards him. Gesturing for Satoru to take it.

“I didn’t read far into this because it felt like (Y/N) wanted someone else to read it.”

Satoru’s long fingers snatched the paper out of his teacher’s hands. His hands shake as he opens the paper up to see its contents.

It was a letter–from you.

His eyes slowly followed the words of your neatly written goodbye. His heart rips itself piece by piece as he continues reading. The guilt and shaming grew. He could feel the fatigue and jadedness from your thoughts. But the last paragraph makes Satoru’s heart hurt the worst. Your frustration was transformed into desperation for a new life, a fresh start. Away from the endless curses and scrutiny of the higher-ups, away from the pain and hopelessness, away from it all. You didn’t want to throw your life away. You just wanted to live. Then, you end the letter with an apology. Saying sorry because you couldn’t tell them your honest thoughts, for not facing them in your departure, for not trying hard enough for everyone when it was needed. Then, the last line of your apology made Satoru’s blood run cold.

‘Most of all, I’m sorry for being weak.’

He knew that line was for him 100 percent. You wouldn’t have written it down if he didn’t tell you. To Satoru, you weren’t supposed to be the one apologizing. It should be him. He was the one who yelled at you and said those cruel and discouraging things to you. The one who pushed you away and didn’t allow you a chance to help. Fuck, he had the audacity to use his infinity against you. How dare he do that to you, his best friend the girl he fell in love with. His teeth clenched so hard out of pure anger they could crack. The anger he felt for himself was tremendous. He was angry at Suguru, the higher-ups, and Jujutsu Society. Angry at himself for being so stubborn and prideful, for waiting too long to act and apologize. But above all else, he was angry at what had become of the situation. Fully knowing he could do nothing to change anything as already was set in stone.

If he hadn’t been so prideful, he would’ve apologized to you sooner. If he didn’t blow up at you, you wouldn't become broken and hurt. If only he didn’t push you away, maybe you would have stayed– stayed by his side. But ‘if onlys’ are regrets from the past of the current reality. Now, he is living in it with the consequences of his own actions.

This is the price Satoru had to pay. He lost the only remnant that got him through this world by pushing you away. He lost his only two best friends in the world with no way of fixing it.

The price of becoming the strongest came at the expense of two of his most dearest friends.

Suguru was gone.

You were gone.

Forever with no signs of ever coming back to him.

In the end, Satoru Gojo was, truly, alone.

365 notes · View notes

crosshairlovebot · 28 days

Text

enclosed intentions / crosshair gn!reader

pairing: crosshair x gn!reader (no y/n). reader has a nickname.

description: amid your growing feelings for the silver-haired sniper, you and crosshair are paired together on a mission that goes awry, which brings to light intentions you've been aching to know.

word count: 9,934 (pHEW!!)

warnings: near-death experience (everyone lives). landslide. heavy storms. enclosed spaces. minor injury. minor injury description. making out. light angst.

been wanting to write another crosshair fic for a while bc he's my GUY and i love him!!! season 3 is only fuelling the burning fire he stokes in my chest. i hope you enjoy this! strap in! it's a long one! (sorry if there are any errors, i've edited this but it's so long it's entirely possible that i missed some <3)

also posted this on ao3. feedback is welcomed, reblogs are appreciated.

More often than not, Clone Force 99 was sent on dangerous missions – missions too specialised for the regular battalions and squads that filled the Grand Army of the Republic. The missions that troubled Jedi Generals regarding the potential loss of men. But Clone Force 99 and their specialised skills took on those missions with ease, enthusiasm even.

You were about to embark on another one of those missions.

When you’d first joined the GAR as a medic, you’d heard rumours about the squad of defective clones and their enhanced skills, and you would be lying if you said you weren’t impressed by their reportedly unbroken mission success.

When Echo walked into your medbay after he’d been rescued from Skako Minor and you were the first to check over him – making him feel comfortable after years of prodding and inhumane treatment – it only made sense for you to join the team as a field medic to continue to treat him and the other members of the squad.

Though they were initially dubious of the idea of a nat-born joining their ranks, they had always been a misfit crew – you were only another addition to that, and it wasn’t long before your presence with the squad felt like being at home.

You got on with each of the members well, even if they grumbled and complained about your regularly scheduled medical check-ups after missions.

Tech was a great help in collating the medical files he’d made from when he acted as the informal medic. You joked along with Wrecker, who often used you as an alternate barbell, lifting you over his head to warm up before a mission. Hunter often conferred with you before mission briefings to go over any hazards that could harm them. Echo was probably your strongest bond, the trust that existed between you both created a level of closeness not shared with the other members of the squad.

But Crosshair…

You’d soon discovered that Crosshair was weary of anyone who wasn’t part of his immediate family, and you joining Clone Force 99 – and in such constant close quarters, meant your relationship with the sharpshooter was a little more distant than the others.

You tried not to let it bother you so much, but it was hard when you were joking with Wrecker, and you could feel Crosshair’s discerning enhanced eyes on you. You often ignored his gaze as best you could, but sometimes you would look over at him, and hold his eyes for a moment before he got up and walked away.

You wish you knew what those looks meant. You would lay in your bunk at night, and think about it, trying to piece together any patterns and figure out why Crosshair’s eyes never seemed to truly leave you.

Despite the distance between you both, it didn’t deter your intrigue about him. There was something about him that drew your attentions towards him.

If you didn’t feel his eyes on you, your eyes would find him. He was so fascinating to watch. Everything he did, he did with purpose; intention. Nothing about Crosshair was insignificant. Every word, every gesture, every look held meaning. You liked trying to figure it out, but you had yet to decipher much of it – especially when it was directed at you. He was like a puzzle that didn’t want to be solved, hiding all his answers in disappearing ink, you had to hold him up to the light to try and unravel him. You wished he would let you, but his terse demeanour kept you at bay - not wanting to disturb what balance you had.

So you were content to watch him from a distance. He was methodical about everything. Cleaning his rifle the same way after every mission, never missing a step, always performing each of them in the same order. His armour went on the same way. You would watch how his toothpicks would always dangle from his lips as he cleaned his prized weapon, and you would almost be hypnotised by the way he moved the wooden stick between his teeth. You spent so much time staring at his mouth, that you could probably draw it from memory.

He was magnetising.

Whenever you needed to perform a medical check on him, you would do so quietly and draw it out, as if trying to soak up every moment of the closeness to him, catalogue it all.

When it came to checking his hands, you would gently hold them in your palms and gently massage the joints that could get cramped from holding the rifle tightly. You would check the nerves with a light prick on each fingertip and around the palm. Those examinations were so tense, his eyes on you the entire time watching your every move in the tiny medbay on the Marauder. You could barely focus in that room, there was nowhere to hide from his sharp eyes. And when you dared meet his gaze, his eyes would hold yours in a way that left you breathless and you were never able to look him in the eyes for very long. They’d look right into yours, an expression dancing in them you could never place.

But he never said anything to you – not unless you asked him a question about pain. But you’d think about each interaction for days afterwards.

Your silent exchanges filled your head at night, spilling over into your dreams. Dreams where those hands you’d just inspected in the waking world would be holding you tightly, that mouth you’d stared at brushing against your cheek and neck, whispering things you pretended not to remember once you woke. You’d wake up from those dreams confused, still feeling the ghost of his touches on you. It didn’t hit you until several dreams later that that initial intrigue had given way to feelings much deeper; to an intense crush that only seemed to build the longer you spent with Clone Force 99.

If anyone else noticed, they never said anything. You carried on as normal and hoped Hunter’s heightened senses didn’t pick up on the way your face heated or your heartbeat increased when Crosshair was near.

Except the silence between you broke a few days ago.

After the last mission, you were scheduled to do the weekly checks on the squad. You always left Crosshair until last, knowing he liked to clean his rifle as soon as the mission debrief was over. When you called him into the tiny room, he sat down on the bench, and you completed the first part of the check-up smoothly.

It was when you were massaging one of his hands, loosening the stiffness with your own fingers, that you felt his close around yours.

You had stilled and slowly looked up at him. His brown-eyed gaze met yours and you felt the air get sucked out of your lungs. You watched his eyes flick between yours, his throat working as his fingers were warm around yours. He was holding your hand, and it was warm and strong despite its slenderness. It was such an innocent gesture, and yet the sensation of his touch made your face burn and heat unfurl in your chest as your feelings for the sniper were unleashed in full force. You didn’t know what to do, but you would be lying if you didn’t like the feel of his fingers around yours. But this was Crosshair – the Crosshair who barely spoke to you, who watched you like he was analysing your every move.

“A-am I hurting you?” you managed to stammer out.

Crosshair blinked, seemingly jolting himself out of a trance and pulled his hands away roughly, frowning. “No.” His voice was like gravel, and he stood up and quickly left the room, check-up unfinished.

You had no idea what had happened, what you had done, what he had done, but you stood in that room trying to quell your racing heart for ages before you worked up the nerve to emerge. You spent that night thinking about the warmth of his fingers around yours and the way his throat bobbed like he wanted to tell you something.

What was it that he wanted to say? You knew Crosshair was always intentional in everything he did, so what was his intention with holding your hand like that?

Now, as the Marauder flew into a planet you couldn’t remember the name of, you felt those brown eyes on you from where Crosshair sat in one of the seats in the cockpit, his arms crossed and toothpick between his lips. Echo helped Tech guide the ship as Wrecker bench-pressed Gonky in the corridor. Hunter stood nearby as you held onto the back of Tech’s pilot seat as the ship flew into the planet’s atmosphere.

Since joining the squad a mere two months ago, you had been to more planets than you ever thought you would visit in your entire lifetime, but you had never seen anything like this.

The sky was full of enormous floating rocks, with thick greenery on top. You didn’t know how they stayed floating like this.

“This place is unbelievable,” you murmured. “How is this possible?”

“The rocks are held up by the planet’s unique gravity, creating a balanced pull that tethers the rock to its place. Think of them as miniature planets that exist within the atmosphere,” Tech explained.

You hummed in amazement as Tech flew past them all and steered towards the planet’s surface, which lay beneath a thick bank of dark clouds. The clouds gave way to rocky terrain, with a mountain range that jutted up from the ground haphazardly, not unlike their floating counterparts, as well as canyons and valleys. The whole planet seems to be rocks in various states. Tech landed the ship in a clear area and then everyone turned to Hunter.

“So, what’s the plan, Hunter?” Wrecker called out, finally giving Gonky a rest and placing him back on the ground.

Everyone gathered around a holomap Hunter had brought up. You felt Crosshair slide in next to you, his crossed arms grazing yours. Heat prickled your skin, the memory of the warmth of his fingers coming to life again, and you shifted slightly, drawing your arms closer to your body. You looked up at him but for once, his gaze wasn’t on you, but on the blue graphics in front of him. Your face burned. It was embarrassing how much of an effect he had on you, and even more so now after that moment in the medbay. He seemed to have completely forgotten about it, and here you were still having phantom feelings of the way his fingers wrapped around yours.

“We divide our squad,” Hunter begins. “Break off into pairs. The mineral we’ve been sent to recover is located across this entire sector, but according to Tech, not all of it will be viable.”

“There is a very narrow window in which the mineral is usable, and it will be difficult to find. But we will need to be cautious. The viable mineral is highly volatile when handled. And there’s an incoming storm headed this way, and due to the unique gravitational field on this planet, the storms here are quite lethal,” Tech tapped on his datapad.

You took a deep breath in. It appeared there was a lot that could go wrong.

Hunter nodded. “I can feel it. We’ll need to move fast, so let’s get going. Echo, you’re with me in the Badlands. Tech and Wrecker, you head west for the Valley. And that leaves Crosshair with N’edee up in the Mountains. Comm if you find any viable mineral and triangulate your position as best you can for reference before extracting as much as possible. Then head back to the Marauder where we’ll reconvene. Questions?”

Everyone shook their head. “The terrain is tough out there, so let’s try to avoid N’edee having to patch up any injuries,” Hunter added, sending you a smile. Everyone nodded before Hunter signalled everyone to move out.

N’edee was the little Mando’a nickname they’d appointed you. It meant ‘no bite’. After you’d first joined, you’d witnessed your first ever disagreement between Crosshair and Hunter and, not used to their scuffles yet, tried to mediate between them. They were so amused it stopped the argument and earned you the name – since you’d rather try to keep the peace instead of letting them fight it out.

Now, you knew better, but the name stuck. You wished you hated it, but Crosshair’s smirk as he called you it the first time was the first time he ever sort of smiled at you.

And the last.

The squad grabbed their gear, and you strapped your med pack to your back and holstered a blaster you barely ever used. You felt your whole body go into overdrive, not only because of the risk of the mission but also because you were paired off with Crosshair. The thought of being so close; just the two of you sent nerves running through you. If it was anyone else, you wouldn’t hesitate to ask what happened in the medbay, and try and sort it out and move forward, but you didn’t have that kind of closeness with Crosshair. There was no way you felt comfortable bringing up the way he held your hand – this was an important mission, and you didn’t want to risk ruining it by making Crosshair uncomfortable and clam up so tight you’d lose the modicum of trust you had.

Whenever intention he’d had, you weren’t destined to ever know what it was. So, you’d just have to take a page out of his book and pretend it never happened.

You made your way down the Marauder’s gangplank to find Crosshair waiting for you, helmet under his arm and holding the barrel of the sniper with his free hand as the hilt rested on the ground. He was the only one there, the others had already started their treks. You quickened your steps down as he looked over at you, heat blooming up your neck.

“Sorry,” you told him. Crosshair shook his head, either dismissing the apology or disappointed in your slowness to get ready – you couldn’t tell.

“Let’s go, the storm’s moving quickly,” he informed in that way of his. He placed his helmet on and started walking. You watched him walk away, not looking back at you as his long legs carried him quickly through the rocky ground in the direction of the mountain range.

“Try and keep up,” he called back, and you huffed, adjusting your med pack and jogging after him.

Crosshair kept a quick pace as you both walked, and his height didn’t help. The rhythmic beeping of the scanner Tech provided you with and your footsteps were the only sound between you both. You tried to keep up as best you could as you approached the base of the mountain range, but you were still lagging a couple of metres behind him.

You had been worried about the awkwardness a conversation about what happened in the medbay would bring, and yet you were not even close enough to have one.

You huffed, a light sheen of sweat covering your brow, as you stepped over a bunch of rocks, moving between them as best you could, looking down at your feet to ensure you didn’t fall. The weather was beginning to change, and you knew the storm was getting closer as the wind picked up and nearly knocked you off balance a few times. But you had still to find any viable mineral. You looked at the scanner and saw it was indeed picking up signs of the mineral, but none of it was suitable – either too old or too young a sample. You sighed. This was going to take longer than you thought, and you only hoped you had more luck once you reached the mountains, and that the storm would hold off.

“Watch your step,” Crosshair called back to you. You looked up to watch him as he stepped on a boulder and jumped down into what must’ve been a small ditch at the foot of the mountain range. You frowned and kept walking. As you got closer, you were surprised as you realised he was waiting for you. His helmet was trained on you as you reached the rock and you tried to pretend like it wasn’t a big deal to you. You stepped on top of the boulder, the wind whipping around you as his gaze tilted up at you. For once, you towered over him. You couldn’t help but smile playfully at him.

“So, this is what the world must look like for you,” you joked, trying to ease the tension that was still thick between you.

Crosshair let out a small scoff at your joke before holding out his hand. “Hurry up.”

You widened your eyes at his extended hand, your eyes flicking to it and then back to his visor. After the medbay, you hardly imagined he’d be offering a hand to you again in a clinical setting, let alone to help you descend a boulder. You looked at his outstretched hand, letting a moment pass as you waited for him to retract it, but he didn’t.

This gesture was intentional.

You slowly placed your hand in his. His hand was as warm and strong as it was several days ago, and the familiarity of it made your insides jolt as you felt it wrap around your palm. The nerve endings in your hand tingled in excitement as they ignited from his touch. Heat coiled its warmth through your whole body as you crouched down to a sitting position, doing your best not to topple over not only from the wind. He helped you slide off the edge down to where he was standing, his hand steadying you.

You wobbled on your feet slightly as you landed, and you looked up at him, wishing he wasn’t wearing his helmet right now so you could discern his steely gaze. Though you had a feeling his bare face still would not betray anything of what was going on in his head.

Was he acknowledging what happened? Or was he just being considerate of the terrain?

Before you could open your mouth with a ‘thank you’, he let go of your hand and started walking up a pathway that seemed to wind up the mountain.

You guessed it was not the former.

You took in a shaky breath, body tingling with the remnants of his touch as you felt its cold absence and started after him; scanner poised as you walked.

The pathway up the mountain was wide enough to walk on, but too narrow to walk side by side comfortably without worry of falling over the edge. So, you trailed behind Crosshair once again, who had now slowed down that the route had grown more precarious. You clenched your jaw as you followed his steps carefully, avoiding any loose rocks as you walked. You tried not to think about the increasing ascension of the mountain, the ground below getting smaller and smaller the higher you both trekked as you continued to scan the side of the mountain for any trace of a viable source of the mineral, but still, there was nothing.

The higher you moved the wind that whipped around both your bodies increased as the clouds rolled in. You had to move your hand alongside the mountain as you waked, too afraid you’d blow away as the gusts of wind threatened to knock you over.

You’d been walking for a few hours by now and with the weather getting worse, the constant pace was starting to wear on you; arms and legs sore and feet aching, face stinging. You looked out over the cliff and saw you were almost halfway up, and the sky was getting darker as the storm continued to draw closer. Every time you looked, it seemed to be moving towards you quicker, so as much as you wanted to stop and rest, you knew that you couldn’t – especially when you looked ahead at Crosshair and saw he didn’t seem to show any signs of exhaustion.

Though you knew clones had been engineered to withstand increased levels of physical exertion, you still felt inadequate not being able to keep up. Even after two months with the squad, you still weren’t used to the physicality of the missions. You weren’t initially trained as a field medic, but you still didn’t want to look like you couldn’t handle this simple mission – even if it was more gruelling than you anticipated. So, you gritted your teeth and kept walking, despite the way your body protested with each step.

Crosshair began to slow before he stopped and turned to look at you. “Picking up anything?”

You shook your head and hoped you didn’t sound as puffed out as you felt. “Nothing viable. Not even a false read.”

Crosshair grumbled. “Another wild bantha chase.”

You tried to sound upbeat, but you weren’t fooling anyone. “Maybe the others have had more luck?”

“Maybe,” Crosshair said, his helmeted face drifting from you to the sky. He removed his helmet and scowled as the storm drew closer and closer to your position on the mountain. It was close enough now that you began to see flashes of lightning strike within the clouds, and you jolted when a crack of thunder sounded like it was almost on top of you.

“The storm is too close,” he said, shaking his head in concern.

“I know. Should we head back to the Marauder?”

“There’s no time. We need a pickup,” Crosshair sighed and placed his helmet back on, pressing the side of his helmet. “Hunter, do you copy?”

You watched him, hand gripping the mountain as the wind grew stronger with each passing second. You were starting to feel spits of rain hit your skin as more thunder and lightning struck. Your body was shaking with exhaustion and all you wanted to do was lie down in a safe place and fall asleep.

“Wrecker? Do you copy? Tech? Echo? Hunter, are you there?” Crosshair spoke into his comm, his voice getting harder with every word. He let out a frustrated sigh.

“I can’t reach them. There’s too much atmospheric interference with the storm, maybe even the gravity too.”

You looked at him and tried not to sound panicked, but you knew your face betrayed you anyway. “What do we do?”

A crack of thunder sounded, and it was like the sky was splitting open. The mountain shook under your feet, and you fell to your knees, yelping. You felt Crosshair crouch next to you, a hand on your back to steady you. You looked up at him as the rain started to pelt down heavily on you both. You tried to shield your face, but the rain was so heavy it felt like knives cutting as it hit the skin of your face.

Crosshair hooked a hand under your arm and hauled you up. “We have to move.”

“We need to get off this mountain!” You shouted over the rain.

“We need to find shelter. Come on,” Crosshair skirted you in front of him and you both started to run up the path in the pouring rain. You held a hand against your brow to try and see, but the rain and wind intensified more than you thought possible, blurring your vision.

“Crosshair, I can’t—”

You slipped on a rock loosened by the wet ground. You cried out and fell forward, landing on your hands harshly. You felt your palms sting as you tried to get to your feet, but Crosshair slid his hands under your armpits and lifted you just as there was a flash of bright light, and the mountain shook again, this time more violently. It felt like the lightning had hit the mountain this time, and when you tried to look up to check, your worst fears were confirmed as the sound of rocks tumbling began to get louder over the heavy rain. Panic coursed through your veins.

“Go!” Crosshair yelled, hand steady on your arm as you both ran, him pulling you forward. You could feel rocks landing behind you and you tried to run faster, skin numb from the rain.

“There’s a cave up ahead! Hurry!” Crosshair shouted as he led you towards the mouth of the cave. Your thighs and calves burned, and Crosshair pulled you inside just as rocks fell and covered the entrance of the cave, trapping you both inside.

You fell to your knees, catching your breath as you looked around and realised how dark it was. You’re eyes hadn’t adjusted yet, so could barely see anything, but you heard Crosshair’s body hit the ground nearby as he sat down, grunting as he took his helmet off. His breath moved quickly too as you blinked and tried reaching out to see where he was.

“Crosshair?” you said, patting the hard ground next to you until you found his knee.

“I’m here,” he said, placing a hand over yours. You sucked in a breath as his fingers curled around yours. “You okay?” He asked, his voice raspy.

Your heartbeat which had only just started to slow, picked up again as he held your hand again. How many more times was this going to happen? Would you ever not freak out when he touched you now? Was that his intention?

You swallowed. “Yeah, I’m okay. Are you?”

You felt the muscles in his hand flex. “Yeah.”

You took in a shaky breath and let him hold your hand again, relishing in the feel of his fingers wrapped around yours for a moment, so warm and solid. The feel of his knee under your palm, a part of the body you had originally thought completely savoury until this very moment. After a moment too long of no sound except the roaring rain on the other side of the rock, you cleared your throat before you felt around you with your other hand. “I can’t see.”

“I can.”

You blushed profusely and hoped to the Force you didn’t look as bewildered as you felt. “Right. Of course.”

Crosshair slowly let go of your hand but made a point of keeping your empty palm on his knee, like he knew you needed to feel him close by.

The word intentional flashed in your mind.

Your stomach turned over at the gesture and you wiped your face with your other hand, shoulders beginning to shake. You heard Crosshair take off his pack and scramble through it, pulling out a small light that he usually placed on the end of his rifle. He clicked it on, and you shielded your eyes, before blinking your vision clear. Now you could see Crosshair’s face half illuminated, his brow was creased as he held out the light to you.

“Thanks,” you said, taking it from him. You pointed it around the cave and realised it was not so much a cave, but an oversized cavity in the side of the mountain. It wasn’t very deep, and it looked like its width was only a little bigger than Crosshair was tall. But it had saved your lives. You looked behind you, at the rocks that had fallen there.

“How are we going to get out of here?” you asked, running the light over the edge of the cave to see if there were any openings, but there were none substantial enough for you to try and get leverage to move the rocks that blocked you both in. Some rain fell through the cracks, the water landing on the rock as the storm carried on outside. That was good – at least you had some airflow.

“We need to wait for the storm to pass before we can see if comms will work to call the others,” Crosshair explained. “If we can’t contact them, we’ll have to wait for them to find us.”

The thought of being trapped in here for an undetermined amount of time made your heartbeat begin to race. “And if they can’t find us?”

“They will.” Crosshair’s conviction was comforting. You’d learnt that his belief in his brothers was unwavering, and never misplaced. If he believed that they would find them, then you did too.

You looked at him, careful not to shine the light in his sensitive eyes. His gaze was on you, and this might’ve been the first time you didn’t feel the need to avert your eyes. As intense as his gaze was, it was soft, and the brown of his eyes shined in the low light. Your hand was still on his knee and your eyes flicked down to it. You didn’t know if removing it would make it more awkward, or if leaving it there would. In the split-second moment, you were debating it in your head, with your body still shaking when Crosshair interrupted your thoughts.

“You’re shivering,” Crosshair said. “You need to get dry.”

You looked up at him and realised just how much you were shivering, now that the adrenaline had worn off. Your clothes were soaked through from the downpour, and the chill was sinking into your bones. You knew that if you didn’t get dry, you would get hypothermic.

You held out the light to Crosshair to take, which he did wordlessly. With shaky hands, you pulled your med pack off your back and placed it in front of you. Crosshair shined the light where you needed it as you searched through the items for a reflective blanket and when you found it, you pulled it out, the light bouncing off the shiny fabric. You looked at Crosshair, heat crawling up your neck.

“Um, I need to…”

Crosshair turned his head immediately but kept the light pointed in your direction. As quickly as you could, embarrassment flooding your trembling frame, you removed the layers of clothes you had on. You kept on the black GAR issue bodysuit you wore under all your clothes, even if it was slightly damp – you weren’t going to be completely bare with just a blanket between you and Crosshair. As you stripped everything off, you noticed the palms of your hands were grazed from the fall, and it hurt to move them as the skin stretched. You would deal with it once you weren’t shivering anymore, but the priority right now was to get warm.

Once you piled all your clothes together – there was no hope in everything drying whilst you were stuck in here, you pulled your knees to your chest and wrapped the reflective blanket around you tightly.

“Okay.” You said and Crosshair looked over and he squinted as the light bounced off the blanket, gaze searching your frame.

“What about your hands?”

“My hands?”

“You fell. I saw your palms are grazed.”

He was so perceptive, you wondered what else he saw that he never acknowledged. “I’ll patch them up after I stop shaking,” you told him, wrapping the blanket tighter.

Crosshair shook his head. “Aren’t you always telling us that injuries should be treated as soon as possible? Give me this—” he pulled the med pack in front of him and pointed the light inside.

“Crosshair—” You said as he dug around your pack, pulling out some antibac wipes and bacta patches. “You don’t have to. It’s not your job.”

Crosshair sent you a withering look before he placed the light between his teeth and gestured for you to show him your hands. You sighed and pulled your hands out of the blanket as best you could without it slipping off your shoulders. You turned your palms up, still slightly tremoring. They weren’t bleeding, but they were red and rubbed raw from the gravel you landed on. And they stung, but you were trying to be brave about it.

They were easily treatable, but your hands didn’t look pretty, that’s for sure.

Crosshair looked at them, adjusting the light in his mouth so they were completely illuminated before he shook his head with a frown, ripped open an antibac wipe, and cradled one of your hands in his.

He met your eyes, a silent question in their gentle expression as his hand was poised, wipe ready to be drawn across your palms. You’d never seen him look at you like this before; this softly. It was so easy for your crush to bloom when he looked at you like this. You looked into his brown-eyed gaze, cheeks heated, and you nodded.

Crosshair gently placed the wipe on your palms, and you sucked in a breath as it stung the exposed skin. You felt the hand that cradled yours tighten and then he slowly began to clean the wound. With his attention on your hand, you could watch him unabashedly. The roles between you had now reversed. He was treating your hands as attentively as you treated his. The way he held your hand in his large palm was so gentle that your heart fluttered. You could feel the heat permeate from under his gloves into your skin, and you felt your hand slowly begin to still, the warmth returning to you with his touch. You were so touched at the way he was doing this for you, without you even asking. The way he insisted upon it. You hadn’t expected it after the medbay, and you ignored the little voice in the back of your head that asked what his intention was and simply savoured this moment of kindness from the man you were hopelessly crushing on.

He was as methodical as he was when cleaning his rifle, wiping the wound on one hand in even strokes that coated all the raw skin twice before he moved to the other hand, a new wipe this time.

You watched the way the light was poised between his teeth, and when his eyes flicked to yours for a moment, you averted your gaze back to your hands reflexively. You heard him breathe out through his nose harshly as he discarded the wipe and grabbed a bacta patch, pressing it between his palms to warm the liquid. You watched him, your eyes meeting his tattooed gaze once again as your hands remained suspended between you.

You thought back to the medbay, at how his fingers had curled around yours so naturally like it was instinctual; at the way he pulled his hands away so quickly and so forcefully it was like your hands had been burnt; at how fast he’d left you standing there, reeling from his actions. You tried to think of what his intention had been, and what you had done that had made him retreat.

“I’m sorry…for the other day.” Your voice was quiet in the small space. The storm continued to rage outside, but there was no way he hadn’t heard you. Crosshair looked at you, knowing exactly what it was you were referring to, and placed the bacta patches in one hand before removing the light from his mouth to talk, confusion etched into his brow.

“Why?”

You brought your lips between your teeth as your eyes flicked between his. “Because I upset you.”

Crosshair looked at you for a moment, an undiscernible expression passed over his half-shadowed face as your eyes stayed locked on each other. What you would give to know what he was thinking, what thoughts swirled in his head. Two months of watching him had barely scratched the surface – you wanted to know everything, to be privy to the innermost workings of his mind.

Crosshair was the first to break his gaze, shaking his head.

“You didn’t upset me.”

You frowned at him, but before you could ask him what he meant, he had placed the end of the light back between his teeth and started applying the bacta patches to your palms, activating the adhesive and smoothing them down over your hands with his thumbs. He held one of your hands in both of his, his fingertips touching the back of your hand as he ran his thumbs along the edges of the bacta patch. He pressed them gently down, and you could already feel the bacta doing its job. He did the same thing to the other side.

You watched him and you realised you’d never felt so cared for before. Never had you been held so gently, treated with such practised methodical hands that were also so soft and caring. Your heart swelled.

He took the light out of his mouth. “Bandages?”

You cleared your throat. “They’re in the side pocket.”

Crosshair took some out and started wrapping your hands up so the bacta patch would be more secure. He was so good at this. With the light dangling from his teeth, he circled the bandage around one hand, before he tied it off and tucked the end, and then the same on the other side.

When he was done, he dropped his hands from yours and removed the light from his teeth for the final time.

You looked at your hands. You couldn’t have treated them better if you had done it yourself. You hadn’t even had to coach him through what to do, and that impressed you. It only made the warmth in your chest grow, that hopeless crush in full bloom and only growing more hopeless by the minute.

“Thank you,” you told him and pulled your hands back underneath the blanket.

Crosshair hummed and then placed the light up on its base between you both and leaned it against the rocks behind you, so the beam of light shined upwards and illuminated where you at. You watched him then sit back against the rock, stretching his long legs out in front of him and closing his eyes, sighing. You sat facing him and brought the blanket around you tighter. You no longer shivered, but you still wanted to be warmer than you were. You stared at the side of his face, Crosshair’s profile half-lit in the light. You gazed at the brown of his skin, the sliver of his hair, the slope of his nose, the purse of his lips. You noted the stubble lining his angled jawline, and wondered what it would feel like against your lips. He was beautiful.

“Crosshair?”

He only hummed again in response.

You tightened your hold on the blanket as you worked up the courage to ask the question that was burning inside you. You couldn’t sit here anymore and not know.

“If I didn’t upset you…what happened?”

Crosshair opened his eyes, but he didn’t speak straight away. It was like he was searching for the right words, the best way to explain what had happened. You waited patiently for him to answer, your anxiety only building in anticipation.

Crosshair scraped the sole of his foot on the floor of the cavity as he brought one of his knees to his chest, resting his elbow on it. You swore you saw the tips of his ears turn pink, but you weren’t sure in this light. “I…crossed a boundary, and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry for acting the way I did.”

You blinked at him, confused. That was the last thing you expected him to say, especially his apology. “Boundary? What boundary?”

“Does it matter?” Crosshair grumbled, his voice scratching.

“It does to me,” you told him gently.

He turned quiet again. He avoided your eyes, instead choosing to focus on a spot on his knee, frown etching deeper into his brow. You wished he would look at you. All those times you caught him watching you, now you willed him to meet your gaze. If he looked at you, you would be able to tell him with your eyes that he could trust you with whatever it was he was having a hard time verbalising. That you wouldn’t judge him the way you knew so many people did. That you saw him, how underneath all that surly exterior was a kind heart who’d been wounded too many times. But he pointedly didn’t look at you, and all you wished to say would remain your secret.

Crosshair sighed, breaking the silence. “You’re our medic, that’s more important.”

That only puzzled you more. “More important than what?”

Quiet descended again, and after several moments, you tentatively reached out and placed a bandaged hand on his shoulder pauldron. His eyes darted to you, wide like they were before in that medbay, and he shrugged you off, his voice hard and frustrated, and his cheeks tinted pink.

“Just forget it. It won’t happen again.”

You watched him, and the way his hands were clenched on his knees. The way he wasn’t looking at you anymore. You recalled the panic in his eyes that you saw in the medbay when he allowed himself the comfort of holding your hand, and how he’d had that same expression just before. You thought back to all the times you caught him looking at you, the way his eyes never left you – even when it was just the two of you during check-ups. The way he brushed up next to you when standing in mission briefings. The way he didn’t hesitate to touch you when he was helping you or keeping you safe – because it was easier to hide behind those gestures than the curling of his fingers around yours alone in the medbay.

Intentional. Intentional. Intentional.

Oh. Oh.

You felt your heartbeat increase as heat rushed through your body, your stomach flipping over at the realisation. You bit the insides of your mouth to stop yourself from smiling before taking a breath. It all made sense now.

Crosshair wasn’t upset at you, he was embarrassed. The man who was so careful about everything he said and did, had one moment where he allowed himself to do something on a whim, and it had made him vulnerable. The impulse had revealed a secret part of himself he had always intended to keep hidden, and now it was out there, and he was embarrassed about it.

He was embarrassed because he thought you didn’t feel the same.

What a fool. A beautiful stupid fool.

Nerves rattled through your body, but you couldn’t sit here any longer and not let him know how you felt too. “Crosshair…” you said his name softly, barely above a whisper.

Crosshair didn’t move, his eyes stayed glued to the middle distance, his hands still clenched into fists. You let out a breath and held out your bandaged hands. At the movement in his periphery, his eyes slid towards your hands and then up to your face. You flexed your fingers, a silent signal to place his hands in yours. His mouth turned into a line and just when you thought he wouldn’t, he slowly placed one of his tight fists in your palms.

You cradled his hand, the back of it resting in your bandaged palm. As best you could with your other bandaged hand, you began to manually unfurl his fingers, spreading them out slowly against yours. He let you, his hand as pliable as it usually was when you did this – there was no apprehension in this moment, only trust. You began to slowly massage his hand, pressing and kneading the joints of his knuckles and the centre of his palm. Neither of you spoke, and the storm continued its fury on the other side of the rock, but it very well could’ve been a parsec away with how intimate this moment was. All you could focus on was him. You could feel him watching you, wondering what you were doing, but you didn’t let his intense gaze pull you away. Not anymore.

Once you reached the end of the massage, you slid your palm over his, fingers lined up. You moved your hand slowly like he was a baby tooka you had to coax into your lap, you were giving him time to pull away. You let your fingers fall between the gaps of his and then curled your fingers down, so you held his hand.

You felt him tense as he realised what was happening, and you looked at him, but his eyes were locked on your intertwined hands. You waited to see if he pulled away, but he didn’t. His hand stayed firmly in yours, his fingers still splayed out – but his palm stayed pressed into yours. You heard him take in a shaky breath as he finally looked at you.

His eyes had softened on the edges, but his shoulders were still tense, and he had an expression that looked like he was pleading with you; begging you not to play with him like this.

You wouldn’t dream of it.

“Is…is this the boundary?” you asked. You felt Crosshair shift, and his voice came out in a rasp and his ears were definitely pink in this dim light.

“Yes.”

You looked down at your intertwined hands and squeezed his gently. “And me being your medic is more important than this?”

His reply came a second and a half later, all strained and breathy. “Yes.”

You looked at him, his tattooed gaze boring into your face. Ever the perceptive one, you could see he was trying to figure out what you were doing, and why you were doing it. You offered him a smile as you gave him the answer.

“This…this isn’t a boundary for me. Me being your medic has never mattered when it comes to this with you, and never will.”

You watched his eyes widen minutely, and if you didn’t know his face so well, you wouldn’t have noticed anything. But other than that almost indiscernible change in expression, Crosshair remained unmoving, his shoulders still rigid and his fingers still splayed out, not touching the back of your hand.

You searched his face and suddenly felt like you had completely misjudged his actions. Maybe he didn’t have the same crush on you, you did him. Maybe he had just held your hand by mistake, that what you thought had all been intentional, wasn’t actually intentional at all.

Your face burned and embarrassment flooded your body. You started to pull your hand away from him.

“But if it’s a boundary for you—”

But Crosshair’s fingers came down before you could rip your hand away, and he held your hand to his tightly, stopping your palm from leaving his. His hold was secure, warm and purposeful. There was nothing to hide behind anymore.

“It’s not,” he told you, his voice as soft as you’d ever heard it. He looked at you, and he was more vulnerable than you’d ever seen him. You felt your heartbeat flutter. You knew this was hard for him, vulnerability of any kind wasn’t Crosshair’s comfort zone. You smiled at him as reassuringly as you could.

“Good.”

You felt his shoulders drop as his whole body relaxed. Your heart almost burst when you saw the corner of his mouth turn up at you – a smile that was yours and yours alone. You smiled at him, that warmth in your chest glowing brightly, making you feel so at home, you almost didn’t mind you were trapped in this space. You were with Crosshair, and that was enough.

You both sat there, holding hands in the torchlight. It was such an innocent kind of intimacy, but for you both, it held so much. So many unspoken feelings now known through the feel of your palms against each other. You never wanted to let go, and you suspected he didn’t either. You felt his finger muscles flex and you squeezed his hand. He lifted his thumb and placed it on top of yours, stroking it gently in a ministration so comforting you could’ve sobbed. You smiled at him, and he returned it.

A genuine Crosshair smile was a rare gift so few received. He kept them, saving them for the people he trusted and loved. To get one now, to see the corners of his eyes crinkle and the smile lines in his cheeks stretch in a closed-mouth smile, you felt honoured. You never imagined you would ever see Crosshair smile at you like this, to let you close like this – to let you close at all. The dim light of the cave had revealed the disappearing ink of his feelings, and it was extraordinary. You would tell him the full extent of what you felt for him in time, but for now, your feelings were wordlessly exchanged with just you two for witnesses.

You watched as Crosshair tentatively and wordlessly brought the back of your hand to his lips. With his tattooed gaze on you the whole time, he placed a lingering kiss there. You inhaled sharply at the gesture and the skin tingled under the bandage where he kissed you. The rain outside was heavy, but your heart felt light – like if you weren’t trapped in this space, you float away and join those rocks in the sky. You watched him pull away, brushing his lips on the spot for a moment before he let your hands drop between you.

“Was that okay?” he asked, his husky voice asked softly.

You chuckled, a grin stretching across your face. “Yes. More than okay.”

Crosshair hummed, his eyes smiling. “Good.”

The mountain shook again, and you looked around you frantically as dust from the cavity began to fall on you both. Crosshair pulled you against him, arms going around you as he shielded you to his chest. You held onto the edge of his chest plate so tight it dug into your fingers, your face pressed into his chest as he held you tightly. You squeezed your eyes shut and tried to focus on the mixed smell of soap and wood of Crosshair instead of the panic that coursed through you. When the tremor stopped, you looked up at him, and him at you.

“You okay?” he asked

“Yeah,” you lifted your head but didn’t dare untangle yourself from Crosshair’s arms.

Crosshair adjusted the blanket on your shoulders, pulling it tighter around you. “The longer this storm goes on, the more danger we’re in.”

“Should we try the comms again?”

Crosshair let go of you briefly to grab his helmet and put it on. “Hunter, come in. Tech? Wrecker? Echo? Do you read?”

You waited. Crosshair’s arm tightened on you, but he let out a frustrated sigh and pulled the helmet off roughly, setting it down next to him. “Still nothing.”

You let your head rest on his shoulder as you sighed. “What do we do?”

“Wait.”

You groaned. Crosshair chuckled and you felt his hand run up and down your back soothingly. It was a simple gesture, but one that conveyed how much he cared for you. A man of few words, he let his actions show his feelings for you. And you had no doubts about it.

After a minute, you lifted your head to find him looking down at you intensely. You felt his arms tighten on you as this hand travelled down to your waist and stayed there. You blinked up at him, drawing your eyes across his face before they landed on his lips.

They had been so soft when they touched the back of your hand, what would they feel like pressed against your own? You’d dreamt about it, but you had a feeling that it would be nothing to the reality of it.

“N’edee?” His voice was quiet, but you feel the weight on them in your stomach.

“Hmm?” you hummed innocently, but there was nothing innocent about what was running through your mind right now.

“Can I test another boundary?” His tone was hesitant, careful as he leaned in a little closer to you.

Your voice came out in a whisper. “Which one?”

“This one.”

Crosshair slowly closed the distance between you and pressed his lips to yours. It was like your whole body lit up inside, igniting you so completely you were aware of every nerve ending you had. Your fingers tightened on his armour just as Crosshair languidly pulled away after too brief a moment. You stared at him, dazed with your mouth parted slightly, and in need of more.

“Well?” he asked, his voice like silk.

You were breathless. “Not a boundary. Kiss me as much as you like.”

“If you insist,” he smirked and pressed his lips to yours again.

Kissing Crosshair was an all-consuming kind of feeling. That magnetic pull he already had on you only seemed to intensify the minute his lips descended on yours. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he hoisted you onto his lap, your thighs falling on either side of his as you straddled him, and the blanket slipped off your shoulders – not that you needed it anymore with the heat that thrummed through you.

You melted into the kiss, and you were right – your dreams of his lips were nothing compared to the real thing. You felt the tickle of his breath on your cheek as you arched yourself closer to him. With just your body suit on, you could feel every hard ridge of his armour against you. His arms moved across your back, and you could feel his fingertips searing along your shoulder blades. His hot mouth moved against yours and you allowed yourself to nip at his lips. You felt him flinch before his lips stretched into a smile against yours, a chuckle vibrating his chest.

“Guess you do have some bite, N’edee,” he mumbled against your lips.

“Just for you,” you breathed, and he groaned into your mouth, kissing you deeper.

He was just as starved for you as you were for him, and you wondered how long exactly he’d been feeling like this towards you, but you’d ask such questions later. His mouth was heavenly, his lips like a caress against yours. Your lips parted and he took the chance to deepen the kiss as you dragged your hands up into his buzzed hair, feeling the short strands against your fingernails. And you felt just how skilled he was his tongue as it slid against yours, and you silently thanked his toothpicks for giving him the practice.

You’d never been kissed with such passion before, with such intention. Now, he was no longer embarrassed, he did not hold back his kisses and touches. That knowledge made it all the more thrilling as Crosshair pressed you into him, pulling your hips against his with hands that you knew to be tender, but now held with you with such desire you felt dizzy.

He moved his lips down your jawline to just below your ear, and you panted as you tightened your arms around him, rocking into him. He sucked the skin there, his tongue darting out and wetting the area. It made you moan so loudly you were glad no one else could hear how desperate you sounded.

“Crosshair,” you moaned.

You felt him smirk against your skin before he made his way back to your lips. Groaning into your mouth again, you felt his hands move from your hips to your ass and back up again, and you felt your body go into overdrive, pulsing with a wanting need. Where did he learn to kiss like this? You wanted to thank whatever Kaminaon training module taught him, or the illicit holos you knew Tech had stashed on the locked-down data drive you found a week after you joined them – whichever it was.

You were so lost in his kisses, the way they grew in fervour with each press against your skin, you almost didn’t hear the beeping of Crosshair’s comm in his helmet.

“Crosshair,” you said when you finally heard it, pulling away, but his mouth just found your neck instead. You patted his shoulder. “Crosshair, the comm.”

“What?” he said raggedly. His lips ceased their attentions, and he pulled back. His lips were all swollen and you smiled at the knowledge that was all you. You stayed perched in his lap and he grabbed his helmet and put it on. You could hear the other voice when you were this close to him.

“Crosshair, come in.” It was Hunter.

“Copy, Hunter,” Crosshair said, and you mentally applauded him for not sounding as breathless as you would’ve.

“Are you and N’edee okay?”

Crosshair’s hand squeezed your thigh, and you squirmed on top of him, smiling. “For the moment. We’re trapped on the mountain. The storm caused a cave-in, and we can't get out.”

“We’ll lock in on your signal and fly to your location. Stand by.” You realised then the rain and thunder had stopped, and that the storm had now passed.

“Copy,” Crosshair said before he removed his helmet and placed it next to him again, and you both looked at each other. He gripped your hips. “They’re on their way in the Marauder. Wrecker will be able to push the rocks out of the way, and we’ll be free.”

You breathed in, relieved help was coming. “I didn’t even realise the storm had passed,”

“Well, we were busy,” Crosshair snided.

“Right,” you laughed lightly.

Crosshair looked away from you for the first time since everything changed between you, and his hands on your hips loosened. You frowned as you watched his once open expression, slowly begin to close off again in the dim light. He looked uncertain, all in his own head again and you realised that he was worried – worried that this moment together was but a brief interlude in which you got caught up in the danger of the situation. You wanted to shake his shoulders and tell him he was being absurd, how he could think such a thing after all you just said and did. But you didn’t, because like baby tooka, Crosshair needed gentle reassurance; that his vulnerability and his feelings were not being played with.

Later, when you had more time and were back on the Marauder and tucked away in the medbay just the two of you again, you would tell him just how much he had nestled his way into your heart. That your crush was much more than that, that you saw all of him, and though you were still learning to decipher the riddles he was made of, you never wanted to stop. That you saw all his intentions, and now yours was to hold his heart in your bandaged hands the way he held yours.

But for now, in your final moments alone with him before his brothers rescued you both, you locked your eyes on him and gently grabbed the hands that had slackened on your hips, linking your fingers together once more. You watched his eyes find yours, his brows slanted at the ends as he looked at you with all this apprehension. You brought his knuckles to your lips and kissed them, lips lingering there as you let the gesture convey wordlessly your intention to keep nurturing what was between you for as long as he let you. That this didn’t end once you were both bathed in sunlight again.

“I hope we’ll be busy again later? And many laters after that too?”

Crosshair’s shoulder relaxed and you smiled as the corner of his mouth twitched into a smirk, his eyes smiling as he squeezed your hands once more. “Oh, I’m counting on it.”

banner art by @vimse thank you reading! if you made it this far, thank you! i appreciate it so much! this is the longest standalone fic i've ever written!

🏷️ @starrylothcat @sinfulsalutations @moodymisty @nahoney22 @freesia-writes @nobody-expects-the-inquisitorius @bobaprint @crosshairsnose @jesseeka @thegalaxys-edge @chopper-base @shredderwest @leavingkamino @r2d2staser @beckbucket @pb-jellybeans @mylifeisactuallyamess @padawancat97 @littlecrowtime @jedipoodoo @ezras-left-thumb @lovelycurls @fruitsaladtree @literallydontlook @burningfieldof-clover @queencousland101 @clonethirstingisreal @skellymom @hopelessromantic727

TAGLIST FORM

#larissa writes #crosshair x reader #crosshair x reader fic #crosshair fluff #crosshair angst #soft crosshair #tbb x reader #the bad batch crosshair #tbb crosshair fic #the bad batch fic #bad batch crosshair x reader #tbb crosshair x you

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raivenantcravings · 26 days

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Round 6 Reaction/Analysis

SDFFSDHFLSDHF ROUND 6 FSDHKFDSH ROUND 6 FSDKFSDHFDS ROUND 6

I woke up to twitter analysis saying that Till never even looked at Ivan until his final moments. And I made pre round 6 fanart titled "look at me." Couldn't manifest it. He never looked at him in the end,,,

broo dont look so happy. oh my god you lovesick fool.

reaction and analysis under the cut

First detail I noticed was that are the mics clear because both Ivan and Till are being vulnerable? They have nothing to hide anymore, so they'll show the world their whole being.

Anyways, to my main point,,

My interpretation of the ending was that Ivan was really trying to "cure" Till.

Till opens up with wanting to feel pain, to feel hurt.

"Please, leave me scars"

"Please, hurt me so that not a single drop of me remains"

Which, I realize he's talking to Mizi, but it's a cry for "help" either way.

Ivan's part goes:

"Notice my pain and mend me right now"

Again, he's talking about himself, but I think it could apply to what he does to Till.

So they kiss.

And, I've seen a lot of other people already say this, but I also do feel the kiss was not only meant to be for Ivan to selfishly show his love for Till.

Like bro don't go nonconsensually kissing your crush, what are you doing!?

When the scores came out, Ivan was much lower than Till than I expected. I thought it'd be a Mizi-Sua situation where the scores were close, but Mizi barely edged it out.

But Till almost had 20 points over Ivan.

And I know it's because Till is a rising star. And his new image change would really garner the attention of everyone. But it's not like Ivan is a nobody either. I didn't expect the scores to be so different.

I do think its because Ivan kissed Till. As a final nail in the coffin that guarantees his loss.

Alien Stage is commentary on the idol industry. One of the most prevalent issues in the idol industry is the romantic lives of the idols. Idols are not supposed to be in relationships, at least not outwardly. Their whole image is for the fans. Nothing they do should ruin that public image as an idol.

Much less in a in a queer relationship.

Now I don't believe the universe of Alien Stage cares about LGBTQ+ issues because there's bigger issues surrounding their human pets. But I think that it is an issue that Vivinos is trying to address because they certainly never shy away from queer issues in their other works.

And I feel the idea that idols/pets should not be swayed by their romantic emotions is still prevalent in their society.

So for the audience to see Ivan kiss Till, in one of the most outrageous and public displays possible, further pushes the votes in Till's favor.

And yeah, I also do believe that he kissed Till for him to finally look at him, but I also feel that it was a self-sacrifice too.

And then Ivan violently chokes Till.

Possibly, as another way to give Till votes. Since when Mizi started punching Luka, the audience was outraged at her actions.

Violence is definitely frowned upon on the stage.

More on the choking scene,,

I also saw some people saying that it's because Ivan wanted Till to die with him, which may be part of it. I don't think everything Ivan did was completely selfless.

But

Till accepts it. Earlier when he is at the bar (party? venue? the private show either way), he fights the alien who tries to punch him.

He did show him Mizi's missing image, so he is enraged in this moment, but he does have fight left in him even then.

He doesn't resist when Ivan chokes him just closes his eyes and awaits death. Perhaps if Mizi was already dead, he can just join her in the afterlife since he had no way of knowing she was still alive.

In this way, Ivan is his savior. The one who is finally freeing him from all this pain he felt after losing Mizi. This is his "cure."

And for Ivan, he sorta wants to be a savior to Till. He has freed him on multiple accounts from his shackles. Even helping him run away with him, so they can experience freedom together.

They both get what they want, but,,

Ivan lets go of Till and Till, with an expression that feels like shock, finally looks at Ivan.

Killing him would not give him the freedom that Till needs

that Ivan wants Till to have.

So, like the countless times Till has been chained around his neck, Ivan gives him his chains:

hurting him like he desires.

A scar around his neck.

(Where the scar from his name is)

And mending him,

by taking away the final chain that Ivan could release from Till.

His "cure."

It felt like his final desire was to get Till to snap out of it, to realize that he needs to find true freedom, to not get apathetic at the situation, to keep on going and to live.

He really, truly loves Till even if Till does and never will understand it.

Also final thoughts, is it not strange that Ivan is able to release Till's bindings so easily?

No one else is shown releasing the bindings, so maybe it is just as easy as a press of the button. Yet, I don't feel like it's just poorly designed if that's the case. Because you literally have a person like Ivan releasing a dangerous human like Till. Shouldn't a cautious society like the world of Alien Stage made sure it wouldn't be super easy to get out of.

If there is more to it, I wonder if that'll be a plot point later on. With Ivan leaving behind the secret to getting out of the bindings for Till. So, when a character maybe Till or even Hyuna or Mizi have been captured, they're able to escape since they know how to remove them.

Maybe, I'm just being delulu

And final final thoughts, the kiss was great and definitely made me almost scream. But the way Ivan nuzzled Till has got me acting up.

Like, it's just so soft and sweet and not a big show of it like when Ivan kisses Till on stage.

It feels so intimate, so personal, so full of love.

I just, I just can't. They'll be the death of me.

#alien stage #alnst #에이스테 #alnst ivan #alnst till #alien stage analysis #alnst analysis #rai's ramblings #ivantill #alien stage round 6 #alien stage cure #thinking about the one person who tagged my last art as they need to make out right now #glad you got your wish :')))))#i want to make fanart so bad #but ill be busy all day today #this is the best i can do for you ivantill #god they make me sick

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euseokz · 1 month

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@ anton — i've never felt this way before . . i hope it never ends ! . cws : virginity loss . oral (f) . wc : 0.6k+ . genre : smut + fluff

a/n : happy (belated) anton day !! decided to finish up this wip for our sweet boy’s day hehe 🫶🏻🫶🏻

FIRST LOVE! ANTON who is in complete awe of you, so enamored he can barely hold it in.

he has never felt this way for someone, how he always wants to be close to you, how he always seems to smile more around you, how your touch always is so warm and comforting, how being away from you leaves him with a weird feeling of longing. he can’t quite describe it, but he wonders if this what love feels like, if it is this giddy feeling he feels bubbling inside his chest whenever your name is mentioned or when he sees you. maybe he does love you, and thankfully, you love him too, feeling everything he feels perfectly the same, your first time experiencing all of this too.

maybe what led you two to take so long to fully find your ways to each other was the fact you were so inexperienced in this department, but regardless, eventually, you found yourselves in each other’s arms, every kiss leaving you filled with more glee than the last, perky smiles always making their way to your lips whenever you were together. all you needed was to take the next step, completely devote yourselves to one another, wanting more than just the make out sessions and daring touches. you wanted each other badly, drawn to one another like a moth to a flame — and anton hoped it would always be like this, that he’d always want you like he did the first time.

his touches were soft, tender, each layer of clothing getting peeled off of you with a sort of gentleness only anton could give you. he gazed at your naked body with wonder, already imagining all the things he wanted to do with you — and the feeling was mutual, as soon as he too was completely bare your eyes gluing themselves to his wide frame, looking curiously, expectantly waiting for what would come next.

anton left small kisses down your neck, each one fleeting but hotter than any other one he had ever given you, making you squirm under him, a sort of fire burning in your middle, begging to be put out by anton’s plump lips. he left his last pecks on your inner thigh, then moving to press them over your folds, anxiously gulping before peeking his tongue out, licking a strip up your pussy, attentive to your reaction. you whined, arching your back ever so slightly, already desperate for more, anton’s arms wrapping around your upper thighs while your hands held them, trying to find solace in touching him. experimentally, and almost curiously, anton continued, trying to flick over your clit, the swollen bud twitching at his touch, your unintentional reactions to him something that made anton smile, only adding fuel to make him want to keep going.

he sucked on your clit, continued pressing his tongue over it, kissed your pussy and even tried pushing his tongue into your hole. anton did anything he could think of that’d possibly make you feel good, all of his guesses right enough because sooner than later you were cumming against him, your walls clenching around nothing as he continued stimulating your sensitive clit, slowing down when you started whining that it was too much, until he eventually stopped, coming up from between your legs with a satisfied grin, his lips and chin glistening with a mixture of his saliva and your slick. anton’s eyes shined, glossy arousal covering them — much like your own, so without wasting more time he moved up to kiss you again, ready to keep going with you, his first love.

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yanderes-galore · 6 months

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Romantic yandere concept for Stephen Strange from the MCU, please? Thank you! :>

Okay! It's been awhile since I've seen Doctor Strange's movies so I utilized the wiki to help me out. Hope you enjoy :)

This is me letting brainrot run wild with random HCs, no real plot exists.

Yandere! Stephen Strange Concept

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Trauma, Overprotective behavior, Manipulation, Isolation/Kidnapping, Fear of loss, Paranoia, Stalking, Slight jealousy, Dubious/Forced relationship.

Strange used to be a very selfish and egotistical man, yet overtime he improves to be quite the hero.

I imagine he'd be a very powerful yandere.

Strange would want to make sure you're kept safe as he's scared of loss due to his past trauma.

His fear of loss is what drives his yandere behavior.

It makes him controlling and paranoid.

He is also shown to be emotional at times and doesn't want to hurt others.

Strange is a pacifist and tries not to hurt or kill others.

However, he is one to go to great lengths to protect you.

He's willing to break his morals to do what he feels is right and would be a yandere hard to get away from.

He'd never want to hurt you and would feel bad if he did.

Strange may be a yandere who's jealous at times but tries not to show it.

Yet you can tell by the stern look in his eyes he's annoyed.

Speaking of being annoyed, Strange would definitely express frustration if others kept trying to be close to you or you kept ignoring/fighting him.

This concept is less about how you met and more how he acts.

Strange would definitely be one to keep you with him in the New York Sanctum.

It's there where he feels it's the safest to keep you.

Strange would struggle with telling you why he's scared about your safety.

He won't tell you until later on in his "perceived relationship" that he'll confide in you with his worries.

In the start of his obsession he would allow you to be your own person.

Strange is able to check in on you anywhere and that's how he often visits.

With one simple portal he can check to make sure you're okay, it eases his fears.

Using portals keeps him at bay for the most part.

You most likely see Strange as a friend and hero.

You probably often visit him at the Sanctum to chat.

Strange is always happy to see you... he may not even think his feelings are romantic until later on.

That or he fears the fact they may be romantic.

Strange is one of the Marvel yanderes that would probably keep his darling the safest.

If you're in danger it takes one call and he's opening a portal and dragging you through.

Sometimes you don't even have to call... he just seems to know. (He's stalking you through portals)

Strange is indeed controlling at times.

Even before he moves you to the Sanctum he still feels like he should have a say in what you do.

It often causes arguments and Strange tries to give you space.

Strange used to not be caring... but when he meets you, he is.

I imagine this would be because he meets you sometime after the first movie.

When he meets up with you he'll offer you your favorite drink and tries to be accommodating and affectionate.

For the most part he isn't violent due to his wish to stay a pacifist.

Strange wouldn't "kidnap" you... at first.

Yet if you were in danger and about to be hurt or injured... Strange feels that's okay to use fatal force.

He'll try to make it quick though as he holds no joy in doing it.

At first he'd try to convince you that the Sanctum is the safest place for you.

It's when you refuse that Strange feels he may have to be more forceful to keep you safe.

The idea of losing you and failing to save you is his biggest fear.

You can tell it affects him as sometimes he'll sit and pull you into his lap... only to not let go.

It almost seems like he's shaking.

You are probably the most precious person to him.

He'd give up everything to keep you safe and beside him.

Each kiss and touch is passionate... he apologizes deeply if he hurts you with what he does.

He knows you may be unhappy stuck in the Sanctum.

Yet he always tries to be near you, he may even take you on dates around the world with his portals.

Strange wants you to know he cares.

He does what he does because he loves you.

Every sacrifice is just to keep you both safe if not happy.

Strange is happy he's become a more selfless person when he met you.

He feels he's changed for the better, that he's happy to be your hero and guardian.

However... in ways he's still selfish.

He's determined that he's the one for you.

Strange doesn't think you'll be happier with anyone else.

Why wouldn't you be happy with him?

He understands he used to be a bad person.

Yet now... isn't he better?

He can protect you and the universe.

Could anyone else do that as well as he can?

Strange would isolate you.

Deep down he's still selfish enough to be possessive of the one he loves.

He already keeps you locked away in the Sanctum, of course he doesn't like others around you.

Strange is like this due to trauma, both from childhood and maybe even due to Thanos if this takes place after that time.

This is what makes him controlling and overly protective.

Strange would rather go through anything else but losing you.

If he lost you like he did his sister, mentor, and friends... he may not handle it.

As a result he prefers to prevent such a reality from ever happening.

Anytime he sees you he reassures you it's the only way to keep you alive and happy.

He kisses your lips and skin while holding you... telling you how much he loves you.

Yet you never seem to be happy due to the lack of freedom.

If you tried to escape he can track you down with ease before dragging you back.

Strange is dedicated and determined to fulfill his goals.

If he feels this is the right way to keep you unharmed...

He's going to stubbornly stick to it until he kicks the bucket.

#yandere marvel #yandere mcu #yandere stephen strange #yandere doctor strange

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eroguron0nsense · 23 days

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Doflamingo, Love, and Arrested Development

This is mostly just me paraphrasing other Doffy metas and comments I've made but I kinda feel like the real tragedy behind Doflamingo's warped psychology kind of gets missed by people who focus more on his trauma in and of itself and get lost in discourses about having sympathy for characters despite their complete lack of morality and disregard for everyone (perfectly possible), or whether Doflamingo has any redeeming characteristics or genuine concern for anyone or anything outside of himself (he doesn't).

Doffy's story is fundamentally a tragedy, but not because of his childhood traumas or how drastic and painful they are; plenty of One Piece characters experience severe abuses or incomprehensible loss, but they're ultimately stories of how to find hope in the face of the incomprehensibly traumatic, or the salvation/redemptive power of love. Even characters who don't necessarily see their goals fulfilled (see Fisher Tiger, Pedro, Ashura Doji, EGGHEAD SPOILERS etc) aren't fundamentally tragic ones in the way that, say, Ace is in that they die having fulfilled their goals to the best of their ability and knowing that people will carry on where they left off, even if they don't get to see the liberation they hoped for. Rosinante's story isn't a tragedy because he dies satisfied that he's given hope to someone he loves deeply (and to some extent tried to make amends for some of the guilt he clearly feels for participating in an institution that ruined that child's life).

Doffy, on the other hand, is a never-ending downward spiral from day 1. He was indoctrinated by evil people from birth and never has it addressed (his parents, for all their talk about living more simply than the Celestial Dragons, NEVER actually say "slavery is bad" to Doffy when he asks them why they don't own people any more and I have my own theory on why), who then suffers unbelievable trauma and has his sense of loss–both of his "birthright" and his innocence/ childhood–weaponized for evil. And he spends the rest of his life in this semi-permanent state of arrested development and violent entitlement. He can't have the station and privilege of the Celestial Dragons to... own slaves and live in luxury, so he builds a kingdom where HE reigns supreme and everyone who crosses him is killed or enslaved as a toy. His mother dies and he kills his father, so he assembles a cult-like "family" to try and compensate for the one he's lost/destroyed, but he doesn't and likely doesn't know how to love them in any meaningful way beyond being possessive of them and seeing them as extensions of himself (e.g. he's willing to kill anyone who makes fun of Pica because no one's allowed to antagonize his "family", but he also orders Monet to do a suicide bombing in Punk Hazard, and he's willing to sacrifice one of them for the eternal life surgery, etc). I think that might be why, even though he should know Corazon has every reason to hate and fear him, he's still so eager to take his brother in when they reunite as adults–he shouldn't trust him, and he eventually comes to suspect him of treason, but he's desperate to have a family and Corazon is emblematic of something he wants but can never have because he's a cruel stunted person who knows nothing but entitlement and violence and cannot process the idea that anything has value or merits selflessness and sacrifice.

Everything Doflamingo does is defined by trying to replace or compensate for the family and privilege he was "supposed" to have, but he doesn't love anyone or even understand how real love works because he's been taught to have no regard for human life and all he knows is that love = absolute servitude, that his interests are ultimately more important than the wellbeing of his "family" members, and that betrayal means death. And far be it from me to sympathize with a fallen aristocrat's deranged revenge power fantasies, or argue that him never having had a meaningful alternative that may have given him the tools to find meaning or love makes him worthy of sympathy, but it'd also be reductive to say that it doesn't raise painful questions of how oppressive institutions inevitably deprive their own participants of some of their humanity, and consequently fuck them for life, and that there's something abusive and heartbreaking in that. Doffy craves affection and has had his capacity for it permanently stunted by virtue of his former class station and indoctrination.

This craving for love combined with an inability to actually feel it in any meaningful way factors into why he's so obsessed with Law, who he kept hardcore projecting onto in the flashbacks and who he expected to turn out just like him. His brother chose Law over Doflamingo and even his undercover mission out of love, and for all his traumas and hangups, Law can find his own crew and friends who he cares about, and he's able to live on and find meaning even after losing EVERYTHING because Corazon genuinely loved him enough to die protecting him, whereas Doffy's doomed to a loveless, misanthropic, cruel existence where he tortures countless people to compensate, but he can't replace what he's lost and he'll never find real love or real happiness. It's not what Corazon would have wanted for him, but Law fighting for and honouring Corazon's memory in everything he does enrages Doffy, who will never be able to understand why they cared for each other so deeply, and both of them are integral to his downfall.

#one piece #trafalgar law #straw hat pirates #donquixote doflamingo #donquixote rosinante #corazon #one piece meta #dressrossa

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istoleyoursk1n · 4 months

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A Wretched Love

A Gn!Durge X Gortash short fic.

Featuring Angst 💀

An alternative outcome to the Gortash boss fight.

The first fic I’ve done in years so let's see how this goes :)!

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Bloodied and heavy is all this cursed body of yours felt as you clambered your way up another flight of steps, steps that felt…oddly familiar. Trailing behind you were your exhausted companions who had ever so generously lent their strength to aid you in every way they saw fit. They meant everything to you, such precious souls that you've fought to keep alive, not just from the enemies that dare stand in your path… but from this profound urge that leaves you ever so restless.

You've done so much just to get to this pivotal point, you've slaughtered his men, his noble warriors, and his onslaught of soldiers, all to get to Lord Enver Gortash. Strange how such a name fills a sweetness in your bitter tongue, a sweetness you can't help but wince at. Regardless, you shook the familiarity and strangeness aside, rushing forth to the final flight of steps. You're so close to victory, a victory that could put an end to the Absolute and the chaos it had wrecked in its path. Enraged and pumped to the bones with a blissful rush of sweet sweet adrenaline, you were ready to slice this man into pieces and revel in his blood.

And there he was.

Standing a few feet away from your bloodied hands.

For a moment your eyes widened, a strange pull tugging at your darkened heart that was enough to make you hurl if it weren't for the sheer stubborn will you carry. You froze as you gazed upon him, a tired visage you can't help but feel utterly fixated by. You've seen this face before… somewhere lost in the sea of forgotten memories, you've met those same tired eyes dozens of times. Still, you pressed on. You were this city's last hope were you not? This is what everything you've done has led, right?

“Gortash! Step forth and face me so! Allow my blade to pierce through your godforsaken body, let these walls be coated with the color of your damned crimson blood!” Your words were violent, a rumbling growl of malice directed toward the man before you, and yet in you stirred a barrage of emotions you couldn't possibly understand. You were angered, frustrated, hurt, and perhaps even confused. But he sensed it too. No, he did not confront you with a scowl or a prepared speech over breaking your shortly-formed alliance, the man was smiling. A horrid smile you wish you could just tear off his face.

“Ah. It’s been far too long since I've seen that fiery look in your eyes… that darkened urge to maul whoever was unlucky enough to meet your striking gaze. Oh, how I miss it.” He uttered ever so sweetly, his phrases akin to a soothing remedy that only seemed to cause you to choke on your own words. How dare he say such things? How dare he leave you so clueless, so lost, helpless to the loss of a forgotten past… a past that certainly involved him. You tried to still your frustrations, and your confusion, stepping closer with an unsheathed blade.

“Whatever I was to you. Whatever we were. It means nothing to me now! I will be put an end to this, I will do what I know must be right!” your words of conviction sounded more like a plea than anything else, a desperate cry that longs to put aside all these familiar feelings this man had placed upon you. No, you can't recall what you two had done or were… but everything about him sent you into a craze. You wanted to rip him apart, to curse him for all that he’s done to the city and your dearest friends but... Your hands, bloodied as they are they long to touch him. Still, you shake those cursed feelings rush through you, snarling at the sensation.

“Tell yourself whatever you wish, my dearest assassin. Lie to yourself. Blind yourself, try your hardest to claw your way out but we have shared far too much for you to truly forget… for your body to forget.” His whispers were sickening, sickening in ways that bewitched your entire being. Out of desperation, you lunged at him, slicing a cut through his luxurious robes, though he managed to save his own skin by missing just in time. His guards were all too ready to attack, moving to their master's aid and yet, he signaled for them all to halt.

Still, you were persistent, refusing to falter now. You've come too far to fall at the hands of a man whose tyranny couid have ruined this entire city. You drew your sword against him again, attempting to slice and tear pieces of his flesh just as you always do to your every foe and yet you couldn't hit him. It was as if he memorized your every move, exactly how you fought, exactly how your body would strike. It was a glorious dance of death. Your companions were left to stand back as they attempted to attack the guards who circled around their tyrannical Lord, allowing you and Gortash to focus on one another in a rather familiar proximity.

“Just as I remembered. Just as how I dreamed. You are as dreadful as the day I first met you. Just how many have you slain without me? Don’t tell me you've replaced me now.” He chimed, even laughing as he fought against you. A low growl found its way out of your lips, followed by the swing of your blade which Gortash could have so easily avoided yet again… but he did not. Blood began to drip down his chest as you finally were able to cut through his skin, his blood being the most beautiful kind you've ever seen. You shook at the thought of finding his blood beautiful, of finding him beautiful.

“Stop! Whatever it is you’re pouring into my mind! Stop this madness! I’ll cut your throat and dine on your bones like the worthless thing you are.” the words roared out your throat like a violent threat, enough to make anyone cower, anyone but Gortash himself. Instead, his smile only seemed to widen, his eyes brightening in ways you couldn't understand. That wasn't a look of hatred, that was a look of admiration, of enhancement, of desperate longing. Pure unrivaled longing. You couldn't stand it, you couldn't stand feeling so helpless around a man you swore to kill. With another swing of your blade, you continued to cut through his skin, your composure shattering bit by bit as cry after cry left your lips.

“And that would be the most magnificent thing you could ever give me. To have such an ethereal monstrosity such as you rip through my very heart once more…if I could only have you once more, if only you could cry out for me once more..” His words… so soft, words that were meant for you. He was smitten by your every move even if each strike was meant to hurt him. He was drawn to those bloodshot eyes and the trembling little growls that would leave your lips as if by nature. You felt as if you wanted to scream, to cry out, to pull out these confusing sensations you feel for the man who’s been happily bleeding out for you. It almost feels as if you've done this before as if you've made him bleed a dozen times and more…

For a moment, your eyes darted all about, finally taking in the massive room you and your companions stood within as you all fought and bled. A room that felt all too familiar to you. These stone walls and these blood-stained carpets… stained by your hands somehow if only you could remember. Those disgusting paintings you could have sworn you've passed by many times before and in the corner of your eye a soft bed whose bed frame is etched with deep claw marks of… are those yours?

All too suddenly, you were shoved up against those stoned walls by clawed fingers, snarling at the man who dared do such a thing to you. Writhing and clawing beneath his hands, you struggled to push him away from you. He was bleeding, bruised, and bloodied from your onslaught of attacks, and yet his smile never once disappeared. He was getting closer... Close enough to make your skin crawl. His scent was enough to drive you mad, an all too familiar scent that made you want to skin him in hopes of keeping such a precious scent to yourself.

“Oh, love. My wretched love. We could have been so good together. We could have moved mountains, we could have ruled this world, we could have been… us.” As charming as his words were you could feel a deep pain stir within him. He was smirking and yet pain was nestled within those dark eyes. He knew all too well that you wouldn't recall a thing, that all memories you may have had with this man were long gone, and yet… you could feel it. Like a cold haunting whisper that caressed your skin, your body, and perhaps even your heart could remember just how much this man meant to you, how much he once completed you. And the way he calls you his… the way that once upon a time perhaps you two were beyond mere allies or enemies.

You opened your lips to protest, to bark out every threat and insult that you could muster but they were silenced by a sudden tug of your hair and sharpened claws against your throat leaving nothing but a growl to rumble out your mouth. “We were unstoppable! We were a team! Through the hells and back we were by each other’s side. We were magnificent! We were above it all! Two Kings atop a golden throne! We waltzed through foul piles of rotting flesh and built towers out of our sheer brilliance! We were everything we could ever…” and for a brief moment, he hesitated to continue, not when both of your Gods looked down upon their chosen with weary eyes. He couldn't say such a thing… yet still, he pressed himself closer, clawing deep sweet cuts at your skin which only caused you to shriek. Even so, it all felt too good, such a wonderous feeling of chaotic bliss that you hadn't felt in so long. Both of you bleeding together, your breaths so close together. Somewhere deep within your heart no matter how much you deny it, you've been through this before. You’ve basked in each other’s unholy blood before.

“Enver. What was I to you?” You choked out through heavy sighs, the name rolling out the tip of your tongue like a forbidden pleasure. You've said this name a hundred times or even more, a name that even now despite all the memories you lack, leaves your body shuddering head to toe. Your blade was still pressed against his skin like a warning, a warning that if he came closer, close enough to reach your bloodied lips, he’d die. You couldn't let him get that close no matter how much you seemed to ache for it.

“You were mine. As I was yours.”

A sudden shiver ran up your spine at his confession, a confession so sweet it made you sick. You've come so far, and done so much to get here and it was taking everything within you to not drop your blade and fall into the arms of a man from your dreaded forgotten past. There was no denying it, both of you were pained beyond belief, lost in a flurry of sensations that left both of you breathless. Perhaps, in another life, things could have been better… perhaps you two could have been rulers of a rotting world, but not this one. Not anymore. The struggles you’ve gone through to resist The Dark Urge you felt coursing through your wicked blood were nothing compared to how insanely difficult it was to resist the treacherous embrace of Gortash. Your Enver.

In a final moment of sheer desperation, you finally mustered up the strength to pierce your blade through his body, heaving at the realization that you had just taken a life that at a certain point meant everything to you. His blood felt glorious against your skin, the life from his eyes slowly flickering as he gazed upon you with nothing but utter awe. Even in his final moments, hatred was something he never could have felt for you. You shook in fear for the first time in decades, grasping onto the man whose roughened hand gently began to graze the skin of your cheek. You did what had to be done… and yet you could not help but feel utterly broken. Shattered by the fact that even now, you’ll never understand just why your heart beats so intensely for him.

A sharp angered cry left you the moment the fondness buried deep within his eyes began to drain, a loss you couldn't possibly comprehend. All the people you've slaughtered and tormented throughout your life but why is it he that you cry for? All you wish to do now is claw at your own flesh and curse yourself for once again bloodying those sinful hands of yours with a sweet visage that long ago you used to long for. This battle was doomed from the start, you may have come one step closer to saving the world but would it ever be enough to fill the sudden void in your heart?

Gods above all, what has this man done to you?

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#bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 x reader #durge #gortash #enver gortash #gortash x durge #durge x gortash #durgetash

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ausp-ice · 3 months

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Devastation. It can be a terrible thing. It can be a beautiful thing. It can be despair. It can be love. It can be a revelation. It can be the moment you understand that everything has changed, that there is no way back in any true way. Devastation is profound, inescapable change. Will you, too, experience it one day? Perhaps you'll see it coming; perhaps you'll try to outrun it. Perhaps it will strike swiftly, so suddenly a thing that you never expected it at all. No matter. Devastation simply is. It shall come when it comes.

Devastation (they/any), Edeia of Devastation.

An Edeia I've been thinking about for a while! Their main story exists in the Calamity Continuity, a different timeline of the Ideation universe where physical reality collapsed, leaving only Abstractions for all beings to exist in.

Edeia Site | Edeia Discord | Personal Website

Name: Devastation Idea: Devastation Gender: None Pronouns: they/any Masterlist: #445

About

Devastation — Vast for short — is, perhaps surprisingly, gentle. They enjoy the little happenings of existence: flowers growing out of the cracks, rain on a sunny day. They enjoy the "present" and whatever delights it can give, but at the same time believe in the transience of it. They experience the world with the thought that anything and everything could be lost in a single moment. When they do experience loss, they do not quite mourn; they simply accept it, and continue moving onward. So it is the same with friendships and other connections: they love, and truly can love wonderfully, but do so without attachment.

They give "cold comfort" not infrequently. They might offer to one who has or will experience devastation a gentle caress, a hug, a little song, someone to talk to. They might say such things as, "Time washes all things away, good and terrible;" "All shall return to dust, in the end;" "The future is unknown, and shall become what you make of it." For those who have yet to experience devastation, their company may be both a blessing and a curse: an omen of impending, inescapable change, yet also a reassurance that they will make it to the other side. Some have attacked them in rage, some have wailed in grief, some cling to them in denial and fear of what shall come. Devastation will give their cold comfort, and devastation will come, in the end.

Each moment of devastation they are able to experience or witness is profound for them. They see them as beautifully terrible, terribly beautiful things. The emotions they feel might compare to religious ecstasy, and they cherish and commit to memory each moment they know. At the same time, they are in no hurry to rush these moments — they are content to watch them come as they will. If another Edeia or powerful being tries to interfere in these moments, however, then Devastation may try to shield the sequence of events leading up to them from other influence.

Abilities

The Impending

A form of prescience. Devastation can sense potential devastating events all across the universe, with the sense having a stronger intensity the closer it is physically and the more definite its likelihood of occurring. As Devastation focuses, they can begin to perceive the threads of possibility to see how events might unfold, leading up to, during, and after the moment of devastation.

The Inescapable

Devastation can "plant" a dream consciousness within an individual who is likely to experience devastation in the future. This dream consciousness is a temporarily independent, parallel entity that can observe and interact with that individual, both in their dreams and as waking "hallucinations." The dream consciousness can remain with the individual throughout crossing time, dimensions, etc., and after the moment of devastation passes, the dream consciousness can disperse. Any memories experienced by the dream consciousnesses become part of Devastation's subconscious or deeper memory — if they think about it, they can access the memories, but otherwise, they are not affected from moment to moment. The closer the event of devastation, the more powerful the dream consciousness becomes.

Depending on the individual, they may or may not be aware of having Devastation's presence in their mind. This ability can work on Edeia, though Edeia can banish the dream consciousness if they try.

Prior to the Calamity, Devastation needed to be in proximity to an individual to use this ability. After the Calamity, their powers grew to become able to transcend the borders of Abstractions, though in that case they can only plant a dream consciousness if the devastating event is nearly certain to occur, and not too far off in the future.

The Inexorable

Devastation can protect certain threads of possibility from interference from other Edeia and supernatural beings, in order to ensure certain events unfold the way they expect. The extent of the protection may vary and may only be partially effective against other Edeia.

The Profound

Devastation can grant abilities, augmentations, and other magical influences to those who have experienced devastation. The more intense the emotion, the more powerful the effect.

History

Before Actualization

Devastation's home is in the Calamity Continuity of Ideation. They were born of a human and a demon from another dimension around the 1600s, though their birth parent did not know the other was possessed. They were given the name Vena, and were raised as a human child. As magic was part of the world, when Vena started to show inhuman characteristics, their birth parent thought that they were manifestations of the potential to become an Edeia. However, Vena showed no sign of learning any particular kind of magic, and Sam — their birth parent — questioned their father, who simply suggested that it was a more subtle manifestation.

Vena grew rapidly, having the appearance and mentality of a teenager when they were around ten years old. Eventually, conflict came to their door, and their father revealed his true form to fight off the threat. Sam by then had put together some guesses, and asked what their father truly was. For a moment, he hesitated, and then he braced himself and told Vena's mother his origins: though his body was called Alba, he was truly a demon who went by Katasa.

Here, Vena witnessed a moment of devastation for the first time. Sam's face crumpled, and he demanded to know if everything was a lie. Katasa denied this, stating that he truly does care for him and their child. That Sam was the one who taught him how to love — that it had changed him. And Vena realized — that must have been a powerful moment, despite happening so long ago. This was the moment that Vena's Idea began to take form.

Their parents sorted things out, and things went well for a time. However, the world was not a gentle one, and one day some ill-willed members of their village decided to try attacking Vena for their strange appearance — which had grown ever stranger so as to be entirely and obviously inhuman. Vena struck back, and accidentally killed several of their attackers. The remaining fled, at first, and Vena rushed home with a heavy feeling in their heart, telling their parents what happened. Their parents decided that they needed to leave, and so they fled.

"We can find a Sanctuary," Katasa said. "I've heard about them. We'll be completely safe there."

Unfortunately, it was not to be. An Edeia who sought to balance the scales of justice and death found them before they could find a Sanctuary. Katasa defended them, but could not effectively defend against the Edeia's idea magic. Vena stepped forward, drawing up the power they had felt growing in them, only — they didn't actually know how to wield their power in battle, and Sam jumped in front of them to take a hit for them. Katasa fell into despair as he watched Sam perish, his wail of grief reverberating in the air. And, oh, oh, how horrible. Devastation struck Vena deeply as they suddenly understood: one of their parents was dead, and the other was likely to soon follow. What a powerful feeling, in themself and their father. The feeling seemed to grow and pour out of them; by instinct, their magic reached for Katasa and augmented his power immensely. He struck back at the Edeia, and was able to disperse them. However, his body took far too much damage, and he settled beside Sam's body to weep.

When Vena approached him, Katasa screamed at them with the force of his demonic power — blaming them for Sam's death, demanding to know why they couldn't save him, too. He wailed and cried, and Vena simply reached over to rub his back — to which Katasa only cried harder. Eventually, Katasa calmed down some, and he turned to Vena and hugged them. "It's not your fault," he said. "I didn't mean that. We should have left before. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Then, his body began to fall apart. Katasa continued to apologize, saying that he didn't know what would become of him from here — for his species of demon, to possess nothing is to have no ego. He would disappear, and did not know if he would remember them in his next host.

Vena shed a tear for him, and for Sam. "I understand," they said. "Goodbye."

Katasa's body crumbled away, leaving only Vena with Sam's body. They closed their eyes and felt that crushing weight of devastation. Everything has changed, and there is no going back. How terrible. How beautiful. They felt something shift within them, and with one breath in and one breath out, Vena Actualized into Devastation.

After Actualization

Devastation gave Sam and what remained of Katasa a burial, observing the funerary rites they knew of before letting them go, departing without a backwards glance. They began to seek out moments of devastation, using their power to sense the potential of one occurring. For centuries, they sought these moments, meeting and parting with countless others along the way.

Then, they began to sense the potential of a profoundly devastating event, potentially affecting almost all denizens of the universe. It was strange — what could possibly affect so many individuals to such an intense degree? Devastation looked deeper as time went on, and soon foresaw the end of the world. They shook with something like anticipation. What could come of the end of the world? Where would all these lives go? How would they adjust to such a profound change of reality? Devastation began to seek out those who would be most involved and most affected (in an emotional sense, mostly) by such an event, planting their dream consciousnesses all across the universe.

Devastation foretold the apocalypse in dreams and "hallucinations" — less of a warning and more of a promise. They comforted those who would accept their cold comfort; they told the harsh truth to those who would listen. Many did not believe Devastation, whether they knew Devastation was an Edeia or they thought they had started hallucinating. Still, the Calamity was inexorable; Devastation barely even touched those threads of possibility, as they were converging upon the end of the world on their own.

When the moment came, Devastation stayed to watch. They lifted their hands to the collapsing sky, witnessing everything falling apart and burning it into their memory. The end of the world. How beautiful. How devastating. They wept tears of light, though they were not of sorrow — only of the profundity of such devastation.

After the Calamity

Many people and some Edeia remember their dreams and visions of Devastation; some thought they were at fault, while others understood that it was a complicated process of various factors that led to the Calamity. Devastation did not particularly care. They simply opened up their Abstraction to any who would come, and would wander to others' Abstractions wherever they were welcome.

#creature #my species #original species #art #my art #procreate #edeia #spirit #ideation #scheduled

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maissafespace · 1 year

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But I want you.

Ayato Kirishima x Reader

Synopsis: when the princess acts on her attraction for her royal knight, the only thing she can do is hope for all to go well.

Request: hello i will sell my soul for any sort of ayato kirishima content you can think of, im starving and i have consumed everything to be found on tumblr its unhealthy

Warnings: forbidden relatiosnhip. knight!ayato, princess!reader. nsfw. brat!reader, experienced!ayato, loss of virginity, fingering, oral (male receiving), scratching, degradation kink, manhandling, unprotected sex, creampie. light angst.

A/n: I don't know what this is, but I've never read Ayato outside of canon so I wanted to try, maybe make this an AU of which I will do other stories about just because lol but i agree i was starving for Ayato content as well anon, so i hope you like it really! I tried my best lol XD

Masterlist - Masterpost

As the princess of the kingdom who just reached legal age, your coming of age ball would occur soon for all guests to arrive and so would the different amount of wealthy men asking for your hand in marriage in order to also better their status and position in society.

You weren't really consulted on the proposals, it was up to your parents, mostly your mother to look over the most convenient proposal.

So, you had given up on it for quite a while, your caretaker and ladies in waiting had started to explained the duties you would need to satisfy as a wife and while it was a bit embarrassing at first, those deeds soon were pestering your mind day and night.

For a single man that was always near you.

Ayato Kirishima had entered and trained for the knighthood for his entire life, he was under the responsibility of your family's butler so he entered the palace quite young, only two years your senior.

It had started years ago as a mere crush on the boy, a blessing upon you since the window of your room would face the training grounds, your young self would look out for hours to see the boy train, drenched in sweat and panting with a flushed body.

You tried to stay away for some time, never look at him by your window anymore, occupying yourself in activities that would have you on the complete opposite sides of the palace. But he never left entirely, he would send those smiles that had your heart flutter, he'd help you around and more than once was assigned as your knight during trips, leaving him closer than ever.

With time that crush instead of fading became heavier, deeper and in some way worse when he seemed to exchange the interest positively. He’d talk to you, help you, touch you and made you laugh, he was always close.

That is why, right now, you found yourself in your room during the night trying to keep your composure and not touch yourself with all the knowledge that was bestowed upon you and think about your future husband being him.

It had to fade away as soon as possible, as a heir you knew the possibility of him ever being a match was below zero, unfortunately.

Your infatuation had to disappear.

Asking friends for advice was the next step, how to get a man out of your head, or a desire as you told them, and probably the worse advice was given to you. One that made you doubt the friendships you had.

To have him and throw away, experience the desire to finally having the curiosity satisfied and never think about it anymore.

For a week that thought never left your mind, you would pass by him, he would bow but the only thought you had was to savor those lips, feel them on your skin, while your bodies united as one.

As your body submerged under the hot tub, feeling that warmth and crave deep in you, it wasn't something you could ignore anymore, it was a years in the building love you had for him, his abilties, his beauty and his personality.

Standing up from the tub, water drenched down your body and hair, now wet and shining with the oils your skin was washed with. Hinami, helped you with your robe and was going to do the same for your hair before you stepped away from her, back to the same window you stayed at a lot in your youth.

"Hinami." You called her attention abruptly.

"Yes, my lady."

"Call Ayato Kirishima, I need to discuss something urgent with him." You said, and as Hinami nodded and exited the room, a bit of uneasiness and excitement built up in your core.

Your current robe was discarded for a new one, a sheer transparent robe that left nothing to the imagination. Your nipples were peeking against the fabric as well, your bosom stuck out barely covered by the hair falling on the front.

Minutes passed slow, spent on looking yourself in the mirror to make sure everything was as good as it was seducing somehow. Your heart stopped for a moment when the door was knocked at and Hinami's voice was faintly heard.

"Let Ayato in and leave us, Hinami, I'll call for you later if needed." You yelled from the bathroom with composure.

The door clicked open and close, the sound of boots gracing your ears as you finally let go of your agitation and moved towards your room once again.

"Princess, Hinami told me I was needed for an urgent matter but I was not aware of any- " When his eyes fell upon you, his face hardened in a way, his jaw was prominent and his eyes seemed to glare at you rather than be pleased by the sight.

It didn't diminish the thrill in you. Walking up to him at mere centimeters of distance with an innocent smile that contradicted the rest of your body.

"It is indeed something urgent. You see, recently I've been informed time and time again of certain duties- sigh- for my imminent marriage. Though, these were referred to me by women, I was quite curious on a male perspective. Who would be better than you, my loyal knight?" You smiled at him, hands behind your back, popping your chest out a little.

His eyes slightly widened at the implications of your words. Going back to their stoic and neutral gaze seconds later. "I am sure you were already told enough, my lady. I cannot cross more lines than I already am by being here."

"I invited you here. You're not crossing any line that I did not ask you to. But if I am of incovenience, I will find someone else to help me out-"

"What is it that you need?" His voice was harsher and colder, your thighs clenched together at the tone and his eyes seem to register it after all.

"I need to learn the ways to properly pleasure a man, if you could teach me, I know you're experienced in women, it shouldn't be different to take me-" Your jaw hurt as his fingers pressed against it, lifitng you towards him, close to his face where your noses would almost touch.

"You are the princess, my lady, what you are asking is for me to treat you like a common whore, is that what you want?" Your head moved on its own, nodding for him, to have him as soon as possible, to let your desire flow out freely without hiding.

His lips crashed against yours right after, he held you hardly as his mouth moved roughly, a kiss that was reciprocated, sloppy and messy at the amount of need behind the both of you.

Your body and his felt burning against one another, your back arched, and your sounds began to echo in the room along the smacking of your lips, your chest pressed against his, heat pooled in you both at the skin contact separated with only two layers of clothing.

Nipples could be felt through the sheer robe, they hardened, hands started to fall around the hems of the fabrics, the robe being the first hitting the ground and his cotton training shirt following behind, letting you get a close up of the body you eyed every day for years, the body you wanted to feel the warmth of.

Hands roamed around, your on his chest, back and shoulders while his grabbed onto your every flesh possessively, gripping on your waist, hips, neck, nape, ass… he seemed like he wanted to memorize everything about it.

“Ayato-“ Whispering his name let you hear his groans out loud. You wanted to know for how long he wanted you as well, how he fantasized about you just as you did for him to react this way to your touch, to your voice…

His bulge was evident against your lower stomach, founding the courage and guided by your lust, your hand rubbed it, he pulled away from you hissing, squeezing a bit when the burning sensation of your scalp came as he pulled you from your hair.

It wasn’t pain, not at all that came with the action, but instead your thighs were squeezing together, trying to alleviate the need of him.

He noticed it, he noticed you, just like he always did all these years. A small smirk came onto his face, your flushed face, red and pink, with the glossy look in your eyes made him feel power over the member of royalty before him, let his ego being inflated.

“Down to your knees.” He pushed you down, his fingers going to the string of his pants, your mouth watered for him. “You asked for this, my princess. How to pleasure a man, how to be pleasured as a whore…” He leaned to kiss your lips once more before pushing into your mouth.

The taste passed any importance, your head felt dizzy as his hands guided your head back and forth down his length, your tongue moved around him, your moans mixing with his hisses and groans.

Millions of thoughts went through his mind, how did the sheltered princess that never touched a man, suck him off like a professional woman from the brothels. How did she lose all her innocence in his eyes with a single sight of her body.

As his hands cupped your face, he made you look up at him, your eyes close to tearing up but he had to stop to keep himself on edge at least. He groaned loudly, caressing your cheeks with his thumbs almost gently before his hips thrusted forward.

You couldn’t help but gag, the tears threatening to fall down, were now rolling down your cheeks, your fingers dug into his legs for you to have something to latch on.

The roughness was arousing, he could do anything to you right now, your head wasn’t registering much. You just wanted him, as your first and maybe as your only one.

When he pulled out of your mouth, you were gasping for hair, your hands falling on the ground, essentially in a doggy position, your mouth hung open waiting for him, he couldn’t help but want to see your body trembling from an orgasm, have you under his complete control.

He kneeled in front of you, kissing your lips that still tasted of him with a devilish smile, lifting you up from your jaw and walking to your bed, bodies climbing and falling onto the silky sheets. Expensive fabrics that would now be tainted of you two.

His body hovered yours, lips connecting with his again, muffling down the moans that now escaped you as his fingers found their way to your intimacy.

Your legs tried to squeeze together at first, but were roughly opened up, shamefully spread on for anyone that could enter the room to look at you and how his fingers started to pump in and out of you.

One of your hand was gripping on the bed, moaning at the cold but pleasant feeling of his fingers inside of you, his thumb circling and pressing against your clit wonderfully, mixed with the squelching sound of your juices. “Ayato, Ayato, please-“ You whimpered against his lips.

“Wet like a slut, moaning like a bitch for me, is this what you did every day when looking at me from afar…” His voice was rough against your ear, lips against the lobe sending shivers down your spine. “Don’t think I’ve never noticed you. Did you touch yourself thinking of me? Calling for me? Just like you are doing now.” You could feel the smirk at his lips.

But you couldn’t do much, with his words and his actions he was sending you into a blurry minded state. You just nodded, whimpering as you felt the knot sensation in your core, arching your back a little, you knew he knew. He pressured more, pumping faster and deeper, rubbing down till you cried out his name.

You were scratching his back as he continued through your orgasm, your legs were spasming, but he chuckled. Pulling his fingers out of you and spreading your cum on your lower stomach and then leading them to your mouth to suck on.

That arousal heightened once again, your eyes were still full of lust and love. You reached out for his face, kissing him gently contrarily to all previous actions, he countered with the same gentleness, his tongue played with yours, his hand caressed your skin.

“Are you sure of this now?” He whispered asked you, there was a hint of concern in his eyes.

“Please, Ayato, I want it to be you.” Your voice cracked at the confession. He kissed you then, deeply and passionately. Spreading your legs apart once again as he positioned himself between them.

The tip of his cock slapped against your still sensitive clit, whining against his mouth you felt him rub himself around, picking up the natural lube. “It may hurt a little-“ He said lowly, you barely heard him as he thrusted in slowly.

Your arms wrapped around him tightly, as your legs caged him with you as he sunk himself into you slowly. He groaned at the tightness and you let a few moans out of slight pain and pleasure. Feeling stretched open was a bit of a vague statement, it was not describable, even less when he started moving.

He pulled away from you, sitting up, looking down at your body, covered in love bites, hickeys and marks, he admired the disheveled form of you, it was perfect, he wanted to be the only one allowed to see this but it wasn’t something practical so he would just memorize it and enjoy this single time he’d have with you.

His arm wrapped around your under thigh, his other hand going to wrap itself around your neck as he accelerated his thrusts, smashing deeper and louder, noises bounced around the room, for everyone to probably hear the slapping of your skin to one another.

“My little whore is about to cum… already, I can feel you around me. Fuck, fuck-“ your walls were doing things to him. He let go of your leg, leaning over you still holding you around your throat.

Taking the chance your legs wrapped around his waist, you didn’t want him to ever separate from you and he held much of the same thought but it was far more complicated.

With his thrusts mere seconds passed before you came, he was close now as well as he fucked you through it, pussy that tried to milk him. He gritted his teeth in frustration. “Let go, princess.” He said with a mean tone. “Y/N. Let go, I’m going to cum.” He warned, he was stern trying to pull away, but your conscious state of mind and your fucked out state of mind wouldn’t let him. You wanted all of him, your eyes screamed it and instead of stopping his hips continued.

“I-Inside-“ Your mouth was shut by his, wrapping your arms around him, pulling him down against your body as he finally went sloppier till he pushed deep, grunting against your mouth as he emptied himself in you while your third orgasm hit.

You felt like puddle, never in your life had you felt such pleasure.

The knight on the other hand was pushing down the voice that was telling him how much he had fucked up right then. But nothing felt this satisfying in a long time, this was a huge risk that made the thrill even more exciting and arousing.

He pulled out, he chuckled at your face distraught at the thought of him just leaving. Thoughts that disappeared as he turned you around, getting on your hands and knees, ass up and back arched as he pushed back in.

Holding you at your waist and hips, thrusting as if it wasn’t your first night, it felt like he was using your body, stuffing you with him. He was treating you like he said he would, and as you moved your hips back into his hungry for more, he continued spouting filth about you.

Grabbing at your shoulders to thrust deeper.

A few more orgasms happened till late at night, only once it was him cumming somewhere that wasn’t in you. Positions after positions, rough with breaks of gentleness, where you’d just hold each other and kiss. Making up for all the time you didn’t let yourself act on your attraction for him.

Falling into your slumber wasn’t something you were surprised but waking up without him was. You sat up abruptly when you couldn’t feel him beside you anymore, looking around the room till relaxing at the sight of him in front of the chimney.

The ache everywhere in your body didn’t matter, your feet tapped rapidly till your body only covered by his shirt hugged the back of his.

“I was scared you had left.” You mumbled against his skin.

He remained silent for a while. “You know we fucked up, right?” His voice was a big emotionless, you flinched a little but tightened your hold around him. “Doesn’t matter if I wanted it or you did.. fuck.”

He sighed, a hand going through his hair while your heart was clenching in fear of his words, not because of the risk but because he could distance himself from you. Tears were close to falling from your eyes.

“I’m sorry… Ayato, I’m sorry.” You could say the only thing that could repair things, that could have him stay.

“Apologies won’t do much, princess.”

You rounded him, getting in front of him, not letting his eyes move from yours, you looked up at him, his hand automatically moved to your cheek, he was comforting you when it should’ve been the other way around.

Millions of feelings were flashing through both of your eyes, consequences would come and it could be in a form of a tiny human being or harsh punishment or maybe luck would be on your side and nothing would happen.

He leaned in, kissing you once more. “You will be arranged to marry in no time. This stunt was avoidable for both of us but you couldn’t help yourself, so you’re dragging me down with you.” He continued to peck your lips, hands holding around your waist.

“Stay with me.” You whispered to him.

“Is that an order?” Your stomach dropped looking at empty eyes, feeling the disappointment and guilt pooling up, a one night stand or a forceful relationship wasn’t what you wanted.

Your arms fell from his body, walking away from him, you threw his shirt back, leaving you bare without any care of it, climbing back into your bed. You said a single word out loud. “Leave.”

He stood there, hair covering his face, sighing heavily as he retrieved his shirt. He contemplated but went to you, laying a kiss on the top of your head as you hid under the sheets.

He didn’t say anything, he would suppress his feelings, the adrenaline was gone, reality sunk back in and too many things were at stake, it wasn’t too late to just stop it before it could go even deeper.

The door opened and closed behind him, that was when you could let the little whimpers out, muffling the cries, now it was on you to explain the marks on your body to the maids, it was on you to look after your heart as it was crashed and broken for the man that just left after showing all his emotions all night and taking the innocence you were allowing him to take.

You didn’t close your eyes till the morning after in hopes for him to come back to you and hold you.

#tokyo ghoul x reader #tokyo ghoul smut #tokyo ghoul #ayato x reader #ayato kirishima #ayato kirishima x reader #kirishima ayato #ayato smut

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kanansdume · 1 year

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I've seen a lot of discussion on why Andor DOESN'T feel like Star Wars up until this point, why that's good or bad or what have you, why it's unique and different and special, but I want to talk about why Andor DOES feel like Star Wars still to me.

Cassian wants to save everyone, he wants to just be able to find some small place he can lay low and live a normal life with his mother, wherever that may be and whatever it takes to achieve it. He doesn't truly want anything fundamental about his life to change (for example, he's willing to move off of Ferrix but he wants to take Maarva with him). But what he's not willing to accept that that life is no longer possible. The Empire is here already, it's not going away, and it'll never let him live a normal life. Even if he WEREN'T being actively hunted, the Empire won't let him live a normal life the way he wants. It doesn't matter how far he runs, what name he chooses, what clothes he wears, the life he wants isn't going to happen.

When he tries to get Maarva to run away with him, to ignore her failing health and dismiss her growing desires to fight the Imperial presence on Ferrix, Maarva tells him that his inability to stop worrying over her is just love, and nothing he can do about that. The love isn't the problem, it never was. She's not trying to get him to stop caring about her, just to convince him to accept her choice and let go, to accept that things are changing, including their relationship to each other.

And Cassian leaves. But when he does, he hasn't fully accepted Maarva's choice. He doesn't understand it until he lands in Narkina 5 and starts to feel what she's been feeling and then tries to talk to her and she's already gone. He goes back to Ferrix, hears her final words, and the last time we hear him speak about Maarva is when he sees Bix for the first time after she's been tortured.

Bix: Maarva was here. Cassian: Wasn't she great?

He's let go. He's accepted Maarva's fate, her choice, and made his peace with that loss, knowing there was nothing he could do about it, knowing that nothing he could've done would've changed this outcome. And only once Cassian has truly let go of Maarva and his past is he truly able to step into the role we all know he will take up. Only then can he go to Luthen and ask to be taken into the Rebellion. It's perhaps not the life he WANTS, but it is the life available to him. He either spends the rest of his life being hunted, or he turns around and becomes the hunter himself, even if it means sacrificing a life with the people he loves. He chooses to protect those he loves, to fight for their ability to live in peace, even when it requires giving up his own.

In The Phantom Menace, Anakin is offered a choice to follow his dream, but it requires leaving his planet and his mother behind. He ultimately makes the choice to leave, but we see throughout the rest of his storyline that he's never managed to let go of the desire to have the life he WANTS, a life with Shmi still in it, a life where he gets to have his cake and eat it too. He didn't want the fundamentals of his life to change, but he also wanted to be a Jedi and never quite accepted what that was going to mean.

This inability to let go of his past, to let go of the fantasy life he dreamt up for himself, ultimately has a cascading effect of instability and darkness on his life. Because he loses Shmi anyway, despite everything he has now learned, he loses the one thing he truly wants in his life. And that loss, that inability to keep change from happening, causes him to cling even more to what he has, it makes him incapable of letting go of anything or anyone that he has deemed fundamental to his life now.

Cassian's ultimate ability to recognize that he has to accept change, that his worry for the people he loves is part and parcel of loving people, allows him to rise.

Anakin's inability to recognize any of this forces him to fall, and he brings the entire galaxy down with him.

Much like Anakin, Cassian's major arc in this show was about LETTING GO. He had to learn to accept the world as it was, how to accept himself and the people he loved as they are, and only then could he move forward to become the revolutionary rebel we always knew him to be.

Cassian is morally gray, yes. He kills people pretty quickly, he's not always compassionate, he can be selfish and unkind. But he still lives by the rules that govern the Star Wars universe, and so he cannot become a hero until he learns these specific lessons

We're getting the same basic message about attachment, letting go, and accepting change as we've always gotten in Star Wars. This is the same message we got through Luke and Anakin, the same theme we saw explored in the recent Obi-Wan Kenobi show, the same concept we saw brought up a few times in places like Rebels and The Clone Wars.

Andor is looking at the world of Star Wars through a very specific lens that we haven't looked at it through before, and it brings a lot of wonderful new things to light about this world, but it also stays true to the ultimate message of Star Wars, and that's what made it feel so incredibly special to me.

#star wars #andor #star wars andor #andor show #andor series #sw andor #cassian andor #anakin skywalker

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kay-elle-cee · 7 months

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I would love to know about James' feelings that time they first meet eyes years later. Directors take OR a James POV 😍

HELLO Athena! Thank you for your patience since I've saved this in my inbox to answer after the final chapter of i'll be fine, i'll be good went live. Answer below the cut! (And a reminder that anyone can ask me for thoughts/Director’s Cut for any of my fics at any time!)

(sorry I tried to refine this but it still ended up a bit word vomity!)

ALRIGHT so we learn in chapter six that James was, in fact, really broken up about Lily for awhile (I mean....that's not particularly a spoiler, is it?). I like to think that by the time James sees Lily—like walking into the shop and having face-to-face interaction with her for the first time since he told her he loved her all those years ago (oh my god ow)—he's really processed everything and made peace with it all. He's had his eyes opened a little bit more by his work with the Order to just how difficult and dangerous it was for her. He's forgiven her, and he understands (to an extent) her actions, but he also knows that because of this he can't really be mad at her, and he just...is trying to be as normal as he can (even though a part of him misses her). So he has to be careful.

He's known she's worked at that apothecary for years. Remus absolutely told him immediately (well, maybe not immediately, but definitely within that first month). And he's likely agonized time and time again on if he should go in, how bad would it be to look through the window, maybe one of us should just, like, make sure she's okay...But then you have Sirius (and to a lesser extent Remus and Peter) reminding James of what kind of toll Lily took on him last time, reminding him that if she wanted to see him, she could reach out, reminding him how far he's come and fuck Evans because she hurt you. And James, even if he doesn't feel Sirius' anger at the whole situation, maybe listens to this, lets it bolster him to keep his resolve hardened and his guard up.

But then he gets paired up with Sam for the potions run. And he definitely panics and feeds her some BS line about him needing to wait outside so they're not ambushed in the shop and she's like whatever you weirdo I'm going to go see this really interesting girl I met and could definitely be friends with YOUR LOSS. And then she's chatting and he's out there just getting so nervous because what if Sam lets it spill to Lily that he's out here and then they get to talking, what would Lily say would Lily be mad would she want to say hi why do I care so much about what Lily thinks? He's done so well at living his life in a post-Lily world but suddenly everytime he's around this shop she's just there on his mind. So he gets a little overwhelmed and opens that little door and tells Sam to hurry up without ever looking in because he knows there's a real possibility that the second he sees Lily (really sees her) this resolve he has might crumble.*

*And I think it's important to note here that I'm not suggesting James would fall to her feet and confess his love with one glance, but he'd be James. He'd be kind (maybe too kind), and he suspects that somewhere in his heart he still loves her and is worried that it'd be too easy to fall back into that pattern after all the work he's done.

But yeah so he and Sam leave and he's in the all clear but then he gets injured in the field and Sam has to leave and suddenly he's in charge of the potions supply runs and he has no other choice—he has to SEE HER. He spends the whole morning fretting, trying to remain calm, trying not to run scenarios through his head and telling himself he can do it, that it's no big deal—he's just a patron and she's just a shopkeep. (He's definitely not looking forward to it, even if he had all of those musings about dipping in and seeing her over the last few years—that's idealistic James and this is practical James.) I think he goes so far as to even try to remember some of the anger he had felt towards her at one point of time—really grasping for anything to make sure and keep that distance between them. But it's this weird thing because Remus told him about the Snape encounter so he's also a little worried about her and it's this tightrope of keeping things professional. Not concerned, not angry, but something neutral in between.

And then he sees her. And he thought he was prepared, and he was so, so wrong. There's pain, when their eyes meet. The last time he looked into them echoes in his mind and there's pain and a little bit of that anger comes back and maybe it's anger at her but maybe it's also a little bit of anger for himself—for not understanding her as well as he feels he should have. But he leans on the anger, only giving her the shortest of answers, and he leaves. And he thinks: I can do this.

And when he gets sent again, he holds onto that anger a bit tighter and tries to ignore the undeniable way his heart beats faster when that bell over the door rings.

Listen I might do a James POV of some scenes one day, if the urge strikes and people are interested, who knows?

#asked and answered #ibfibg spoilers #ibfibg extras #athenasparrow

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lumosatnight · 1 year

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22 FIC RECS 2022!

There have been some fantastic fics this year. Out of the hundreds that I've read (yes, hundreds) here are some of my favorites! These are all fics that I've read and loved in 2022, although some of them are quite a few years older. Here's to another year in the wonderful HP fandom! 22 fics ordered by ship!

🌼 - fluff | 💔 - angst | 🔥 - smut

—

💫 Drarry 💫

1. help yourself and refuse to be buried by Ingi [Drarry, G, 3k] 💔 🍰 A heartfelt story about food and magical cooking! Master of Death Harry connects with his family and his Indian heritage after the war (and also with Draco ahem).

2. Romp and Circumstance by @wolfpants [Drarry, E, 36k] 🌼 🔥 If you enjoy slag Harry with a heart of gold trying to woo his way into Draco's pants, then this fic is for you. Did I mention it's regency era?

3. facedown on my bed (thinking of you) by @onbeinganangel [fem!Drarry, M, 10k] 🌼 💅 A super sweet college AU fic in which Drarry end up being unlikely roommates. They still remain in character while being genderswapped!

4. Good Boy by @lqtraintracks [Drarry, E, 15k] 🔥 🐺 HOT WEREWOLF SMUT!!! Everything you could possibly want with a fic like this. Size kink, breeding kink, scenting, knotting.... um, hell yeah!!

5. An Emerald In The Sky by @corvuscrowned [Drarry, M, 7k] 💔 ⏳ Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. Time travel fuck buddies to lovers with Unspeakable Harry. A love story for the ages. Crow, you continue to amaze me with your fics.

—

💫 Common Ships 💫

6. Industry by charlolwut [Wolfstar, G, 22k] 🌼 📷 Sirius Black is a Muggle TV producer. Remus is his editor. Secrets, misunderstandings, and hilarity ensue!

7. oops I did it again by Anonymous [Jily, E, 16k] 🌼 🔥 College AU where James and Lily are accidental fuck buddies and Lily is confused about it. Their dynamic is flirty and combative! I love James so much in this.

8. The funny thing about grief and time by @etalice [Snarry, E, 44k] 💔 🫂 This fic is flipping fantastic! The angst is glorious, the setting is gorgeous, the interactions are beautiful. Time travel and loneliness wrapped into one amazing story!

9. a mass of fools and knaves by @displayheartcode [slash!Romione, T, 2.6k] 🌼 📖 Short but sweet. Male Hermione is instantly drawn to Ron and how they grow together throughout the years. You'll be rooting for them the whole time!

—

💫 Rare Pairs 💫

10. Growing Teeth by @earlybloomingparentheses [Flonks, E, 2.6k] 💔 🔥 This is a story about growth and recovery and fucking. This is also a story about hair and cutting it all off to finally feel free. Fantastic characterization!

11. Crown Enterprises by @storyof-eden [Cissamione, E, 3k] 💔 🔥 I cannot get over this fic!! Mob boss Narcissa and assassin Hermione are the murder lesbians of my dreams.

12. Little Old Witch by @anxiousgoat-blog [Aragusta, G, 12k] 🌼 👶 This is an AU I can get behind 1000%! Augusta Longbottom finds out Harry is being abused and raises him herself. With the help of the friendly neighborhood squib :)

13. Extraordinarily Ordinary by starstruck1986 [Sirron, E, 9k] 💔 🔥 This ship came out of nowhere, but once I read this fic I couldn't unsee it. Ron is just the right amount of innocent and insecure to be taken in by Sirius's charms.

14. Courtship Rituals by @impishtubist [Cedrarry, T, 4k] 🌼 🌹 Cedric tries to court Harry, but of course he's oblivious. This is cute and hilarious!

15. Yes, Minister by iamisaac [Kingco, E, 1.5k] 🔥 👔 This is pure filthy smut between Draco and his minister boyfriend. Hop aboard the Kingsley/Draco ship where there's mind-blowing sex and that sweet sweet age difference!

16. Gyre and Gimble by eldritcher [Drarity, M, 3k] 💔 ☀️ A stunning fic from one of my hands-down favorite authors! Draco is drawn to the prisoner in the manor's basement. Charity is perhaps a little mad.

—

💫 Poly Ships 💫

17. A Life Worth Remembering by @writcraft [Snarryaco, E, 23k] 💔 🔥 Memory loss, de-aged Severus Snape, and established Drarry pulling him into the fold. This fic is such a wonderful dive into polyamory and relationships.

18. Terms and Conditions by @maraudersaffair [Linnansy, E, 8k] 🌼 🔥 Pansy can't get over her ex (Ginny) and is stuck on a trip with Ginny's new girlfriend (Luna). This fic made me laugh, swear, and sweat all in one sitting.

19. Slice of Pleasure by @misdemeanor1331 [Bleonsy, E, 5k] 🔥 🔪 Theo is obsessed with knives, Pansy is obsessed with Theo, and Blaise is just there for a good time. Knife kink and hot smut. Like very hot. Very very hot. But also sweet.

—

💫 Gen 💫

20. Nine Hundred and Twelve by @cannibalschism [Fred & George, T, 5k] 💔 🧑‍🤝‍🧑 This fic is filled to the brim with metaphors, friendship, and life lessons. I absolutely loved this take on time travel and the journey that George takes. Percy is the real MVP!

21. Where You Belong by blue_string_pudding [Severus, T, 6k] 💔 🐀 This is probably the creepiest, most unsettling thing I've ever read. I completely ADORE it. But I was definitely checking around corners after reading it.

22. Family Legacy by @thistlecatfics [The Tonks, T, 2k] 🌼 💔 Following Ted, Nymphadora, and Teddy as they navigate life and queer identity. This is a fic that is so wonderfully poignant, it leaves you in awe of all that it accomplished.

—

💫 Bonus fics! 💫

Here's a WIP I'm excited about for 2023!

One More to Love by @krethes, @theresthesnitch [Wolfstarbucks, E, 94k, WIP] 🌼 🔥 Omegaverse and surprise pregnancy! The sexual chemistry between the three is off the charts! I'm not usually into WIPs, but for this I am (im)patiently waiting for every update.

Also a cheeky self-rec because why not?

What is this, fucking Jeopardy? by @lumosatnight [Drarry, E, 20k] 🌼 ❓Cursed Draco meets Curse-Breaker Harry. Lots of misunderstandings, humor, oblivious boys in love, and talking in circles. Will Draco ever be cured? Was the author in hysterics while writing this?

—

Want more fics to read?

Try my rec tag: #lumosinthelibrary

My 2021 list, b-day oneshots, WLW Library

#2022 fic recs #year in reading #hp rec list #drarry #wolfstar #jily #snarry #romione #flonks #cissamione #cedrarry #lumosinthelibrary #2022

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butterflydm · 8 months

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wot deeper dive 2x1: a taste of solitude

Today is all about 2x1 for me! I am going to go scene by scene, talk up some thoughts about where we're starting with all our lovely characters in this first episode of season 2.

This specific post I am going to avoid any spoilers from the books! I will be doing another post later today that includes those spoilers and related thoughts.

Our first scene is the meeting that Our Friend From the Eye is having with his buddies, which I've talked about before since it was one of the released teasers but I really do love how it sets up some themes that I'm sure we'll follow over the course of the season -- what is evil? How can you tell if something or someone is evil? I really get the vibe that we're going to do a deep interrogation of Why People Become Darkfriends and I am here for it. I love him setting up his own philosophical view on the world here.

What the Man is arguing here is essentially that the Trollocs (and, by extension, the Shadow) aren't immoral but are amoral instead. "Hungry" rather than "malicious".

2. I do mourn the loss of our lovely little title sequence. I guess they wanted to squeeze every last possible second that they could for content!

3. I love the sort of bait-and-switch here where Moiraine is working her ass off... in order to fill a bath for herself. But this whole sequence is so touching and heartbreaking. When she tries to heat the water but fails to reach the Source. Heartbreaking! And when she's all alone, you can really see how she's despairing over her situation and her helplessness. She can't hold in her tears when she's alone.

4. And Lan is feeling his own sense of despair here. Equally heartbreaking. Going from a feeling so deeply connected to someone to them just being gone, and not as a temporary thing but, as far as you know, a forever thing.

5. Verin and Adeleas (and Tomas) are a fun set of characters. I just found their entire setup very charming and I enjoyed everything with them. Poor Adeleas is so thirsty though, lol.

6. It really is hard to see Moiraine staying at such an emotional distance from Lan! She didn't even look at him.

7. Egwene's Journey Through The White Tower did a good job setting the new expectations for her current situation and her role here as a novice -- cleaning the Amrylin's room, enjoying the view, the little bow she gives Leane, trying not to watch Alanna having fun with Maksim and Ihvon, passing by the Warder sparring area, and ending in the kitchens. We learn here that the Amrylin is off traveling. Hmm. I wonder where she went (I mean, it's likely an excuse to not have the actress for this set of episode -- I'm guessing we'll only get Sophie for one episode, maybe two, for this season).

8. Nynaeve telling Egwene to stop smiling over doing her chores, lol. I don't think we get a 'time-stamp' yet in this part -- I think it's Perrin who first lets us know how long it's been since they parted at Fal Dara. I'm guessing that they didn't leave Fal Dara right away and needed to take time to recover before heading to Tar Valon -- I even wonder if maybe Perrin & co actually traveled with Nynaeve and Egwene to Tar Valon as an escort? Because they all celebrate Bel Tine later in this episode, so it's been one year since 1x1, but Perrin notes that he's been hunting the Horn with the boys for "five months". This would also mean that Loial could have gotten some Aes Sedai healing at the Tower. I don't think that the show will go back and address it because we are barreling forward but... things that make me go 'hmm'.

9. Nynaeve is SO ANNOYED and feels so bait-and-switched by Siuan's promises, lol. "I have enough character". Amazing, perfect, no notes.

10. I love so much how Alanna's lesson is folded into the chores! She's teaching them but also showing them useful things (purifying water is a VERY useful skill!) while also giving them an incentive to get better as quickly as possible lol. Alanna as the Charming Green is such an interesting contrast to Liandrin the Bitter Red, especially since they're both getting explored as full, rich characters.

11. Egwene takes lessons wherever she can find them -- here, we see her avoiding using her hands because she doesn't want to be helpless if someone ties her hands up again, like Valda did. Ah, we do get the "five months" timestamp here too -- five months "in this Tower", so that's not including the travel time it took to get there. That matches what Perrin is saying, so I feel like there is an implication there that Perrin & co escorted Egwene & Nynaeve to the Tower. Five months is a long time for Nynaeve to have completely failed to channel again despite being surrounded by teachers, so I understand why she's so frustrated.

12. Nynaeve drinking the glass of filthy water is just so disgusting but also perfect. And Alanna just going ??? what is wrong with that girl???

13. So... holy shit, a novice died under Liandrin's teachings. Wild that she was given permission to 'talk' to Nynaeve. I'm with Alanna on that, 100%. Liandrin should not have been allowed anywhere near Nynaeve.

14. Liandrin gives us some world updates: Hunt for the Horn declared in Illian; Trollocs raiding Arafel; and a new false Dragon is Saldaea. Thank you for the world info update, Liandrin! I appreciate it!

15. Perrin writing letters to his friends really gets to me. It makes me very emotional. I love that sense of connection getting to still be present. And Perrin has been writing them regular letters!! And Perrin is also writing letters home and asking if Mat has found his way back!!

16. Oh, hello, Mysterious Golden-eyed Tracker. Nice to meet you, Elyas.

And the way they're doing everything with Perrin is interesting. I feel like given the audience something to experience is important, rather than it being Perrin narrating what he sees/smells, especially since he hasn't talked about any of what he's been going through with anyone on-screen, really.

17. Padan Fain killing a young woman and helping slaughter an entire caravan of people who follow the path of non-violence. What was that about not being able to tell if someone's actions are evil or not, Man from The Eye of the World?

18. One of the children escaped, and one of the Tuatha'an dogs killed one of the Darkfriend soldiers protecting the young girl's escape but died protecting her.

19. Moiraine is very successfully sneaky here with Doman, making him believe she's after one thing but getting him to haggle down on the thing that she's truly interested in. And I think she realizes that Doman has something real because of his mention that he's being followed and then the whole, you know, "Old Tongue written in blood" thing. She plays him good. But then when she realizes how much danger he might be in, she gives him another ten marks to help him out.

Lan's thoughts on the bond are very poetic. I love him getting to talk these things over with another Warder. And Lan is very aware that Moiraine is trying to push him away and is determined not to let her freeze him out, but it's hard!

20. Nynaeve finding so much more comradery with the Warders than with the Aes Sedai (but then also that moment when she insults Alanna and they make it clear that she's gone too far). We also get a bit of a look into the Alanna-Maksim-Ihvon poly dynamics. Nynaeve does try to reach out to Egwene but Egwene is never in her room!

21. It is so funny that Alanna thought that Egwene came to her for advice on poly relationships. Egwene trying to mirror Alanna with how she leans against the cushions: also hilarious. (who does Alanna think that Egwene is having sex with, I gotta wonder, lol) Poor Egwene. Once Alanna realizes what Egwene is actually asking, though, she gives her some solid advice.

22. Nynaeve practicing Alanna's lesson on her own because she DOES want to learn but she doesn't want to fail in front of other people. And Liandrin's entire scene with her was so well done but also: wow, yikes ouch. Nynaeve's reaction to being shielded by Liandrin (getting teary; looking at her hands afterwards) reminds me of Moiraine's reaction to what happened to her at the Eye. Liandrin is also really good at getting under people's skins. Hearing the official Red policy on Warders is really a sad way to look at things, but does explain a lot (but she's also trying to get Nynaeve to react). "You saw that weave only once but you were able to copy it" - Nynaeve's a quick learner, when she can touch the Power. Such an intense scene!

23. Really liked the funeral scene. Elyas buries the brave dog who protected the little girl. Ingtar and Perrin talk about Darkfriends and revenge and grace. "All men deserve a proper burial". Perrin talking about being worried that the rage will overwhelm him (which is directly what led to him accidentally killing his wife in the premiere). "Anger won't bring my men back." But Perrin can't stop thinking about how open and warm his people were to Fain, and then Fain betrayed them all (with a smile!).

24. Lan telling Moiraine not to smile at him while they're in a terrible situation like this, and she's pushing him away. Getting two flashbacks from that -- a. Nynaeve telling Egwene not to smile about doing her chores earlier in this episode and b. Siuan telling Moiraine not to smile back in episode 1x6. This does hurt and I think it hurts Lan that he knows what she's doing, trying to drive him away, and it's still working anyway because he doesn't feel that intimate connection that they've shared for the last twenty years.

25. Us getting that lovely moment of Perrin writing the letter, and Egwene and Nynaeve receiving it, and Rand all on his own, thinking of his friends, and then poor Mat, getting tormented by Liandrin by her only reading part of the letter, making him believe that his friends don't care about him anymore. The way Egwene and Nynaeve are able to connect for a moment, and how all five of them are thinking about each other on Bel Tine (which tells us that it's officially been a year since 1x1). Perrin is a wonderful correspondent, with a very nice way with words.

26. "A dozen letters now, and not a single mention of Mat Cauthon." Liandrin is very very good at knife-twisting. Also, Perrin has sent them a dozen letters in only five months. He is a very faithful correspondent. Ugh, I was immediately gutted by the look on Mat's face. And this is confirmation that Mat has heard that Rand is dead (and from Liandrin, probably the worst person to hear it from!). Ah, we have a "six months" timestamp from Mat here, so it took Egwene & Nynaeve roughly a month or so to get to Tar Valon from Fal Dara, since they've been in the Tower for five months. Ugh, Liandrin has been picking and picking at him for six months. My poor darling. And I bet he's especially emotional over it right now because it's Bel Tine.

27. Mat can't afford a lantern this year either, and he doesn't have any other ways of getting one. Perrin almost says goodbye to Laila here but can't quite do it (that's how I'm interpreting the moment with the ring), which means that this lantern is only for Rand. And Nynaeve and Egwene also put out a lantern for Rand, to say goodbye. Then we see Rand with a lantern, all by himself in a city. We only get this one glimpse of Rand in the whole episode but it's still very emotional.

28. Love the reveal that Mat is secretly trying to work on an escape plan. Great moment to end his little scene here on.

29. Also love Lan getting some Warder therapy from Adeleas, Verin, and Tomas. Also, lol, Adeleas just wants to eat her meal. I love Verin and Adeleas's relationship. This is such a good scene.

30. Apologies to my dearest Moiraine & Lan, but I never have much to say about fight scenes. That scene sure did... fight. Good fighting in that scene. Their hands touching at the end got to me though. I liked getting to see Verin channel Tomas's sword to be on fire. That was pretty cool.

#butterfly watches wot #wot #wheel of time #wot on prime #wot show spoilers #wot prime spoilers #wot 2x1 spoilers #wot s2 spoilers #wheel of time s2 spoilers

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