#and guess what! my parents called me BRAVE!!! and a lot has changed for me! could not have done it without facing my fears.

[campinfirmary]

nico coming out to camp may not have worked for other readers, but it was personal to me, resonated with me, and i appreciated that nico felt brave enough to assert himself, to demand that his home be a safe place for himself - even if other people have been insisting that fact to him beforehand!

#have you ever considered mark may have written this because sometimes people need a little bravery even when theyve been hurt in the past… #i had family telling me to reach out to my parents for months. i didnt. u know what i did? #came out as trans to all of them at once before saying LITERALLY anything else. #to my transphobic ass parents! #and guess what! my parents called me BRAVE!!! and a lot has changed for me! could not have done it without facing my fears. #i went home for the first time in 7 years! i dont regret it! my sister & my friends DOUBTED THIS CHOICE. #its ok to be brave when youve been hurt in the past its ok to move past what hurt you #idk. not gonna tag lol

[schrijverr]

I Found Myself a Cheerleader 6

Chapter 6 out of 28

Bumped to the lowest step on the social ladder after his fight with Billy, Steve gets roped in with the cheer team. What starts as a favor to help them out when one member breaks her leg in turn for protection from the brunt of the bullying, sets the universe on a different path.

In this chapter, Steve runs into Eddie at the quarry and they share a moment, before Steve is found by Hopper, who takes him to the Byers house.

On AO3.

Ships: eventual steddie & buckingham

Warnings: f-slur, homophobia mention, child abuse mention, internalized homophobia

~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 6: The Night

“What am I doing out here?” Eddie repeats. “I’m ignoring everyone who did graduate while I am still stuck in this hellhole. A more curious question is: what are you doing out here?”

He seems unconcerned with the fact that he has to do senior year for the third time as he scrambles up onto the car to sit next to Steve. Though there is a little edge to his voice that is definitely dulled by the joint that is hanging from his lips.

Steve lets out a deep sigh and looks back over the quarry. Eddie already knows him better than almost anyone, despite the fact that they have barely spoken. So he just replies honestly: “My parents kicked me out for being a fag.”

Eddie’s nonchalant pose changes as he turns to look at Steve with big eyes. In a soft voice he says: “Shit, dude. Are you okay?”

“Not really,” Steve answers, looking Eddie in the eye, which reveals the shiner he has on his face. It is clear Eddie sees, because he sucks in a shocked breath of air.

Carefully Eddie reaches out and cups his cheek. Steve lets him, because he’s been craving some sort of kind contact ever since it happened and Eddie is on the top of the list of people he wants touching him. Not that he’ll ever tell Eddie that. Especially not after tonight.

“What happened?” Eddie asks, those sweet brown eyes boring into Steve’s own.

“Billy called me a fag, my dad heard,” Steve explains. “He found out about the cheerleading and hit me before throwing me out. Said I can come back if I have a wife and a son. I’m no longer their son until then.”

“He sounds like a fucking asshole,” Eddie tells him.

The blunt statements gets a laugh out of Steve, who agrees: “Yeah, he is.”

There is a moment of silence between the two where they look at the stars. Then Eddie asks: “So, what are you going to do now?”

Steve doesn’t want anyone to know he’s homeless, not even Eddie. He shrugs: “Going to find a wife, I guess. But a job first. Not like I got into college.”

“What?” Eddie exclaims in a bewildered tone. “You’re gonna try and get back in their good graces after that?”

“Yeah,” Steve says. “What else can I fucking do, Eddie? Frolic around and find a boyfriend to live happily ever after? That’s not going to happen. We both know that. The best I can hope for is that no one finds out I got kicked out and find a girl willing to date me after that spectacle. He landed the first hit right there in the parking lot. Everyone saw!”

The words must feel like a slap in the face for Eddie, because he rears back, the hand that had fallen from his cheek to his shoulder leaving all together. Steve tries not to miss the warmth.

“Well, fuck you, dude,” Eddie frowns. “You don’t know what can happen. There’s a whole world out there.”

Steve crosses his arms and says: “Well, I’m stuck here, aren’t I?”

“And that means you have to conform to what they want?” Eddie argues back. “Just say fuck them and be whoever you want to be. They can leave if they don’t like it.”

“What, like you do?” Steve shoots back. “I can’t live like that, Eddie. I’m not that kind of person. I’m not like you.”

Eddie looks even more hurt and says: “Like me? A freak, you mean? Someone who won’t settle down with a girl I won’t love?”

“No,” Steve says, realizing his mistake. “I’m not brave like you.”

It looks like Eddie is about to argue, snap back, when the words hit. He looks a little stunned, as if what Steve is saying is ludicrous. “What? Stevie, you are so brave. What are you on about?”

Warmth explodes in Steve’s chest at the words. He wants to lean into them, bask in Eddie’s attention and kindness. But he can’t. He meant what he said. He is going to try and find a girlfriend to settle down with. He’s too scared to try and be gay. He’s not ready to be out there. So, he shakes his head and says: “I’m not. I hide. I run away.”

“You know how fucking brave it was to join the cheer team?” Eddie argues. “I couldn't believe it when I first heard. That takes some balls. You did that. You didn’t care. That was fucking badass, man.”

“I guess,” Steve sighs. “But that bravery only lasts until someone looks at me.”

“Your parents don’t seem like they deserve your efforts, sweetheart,” Eddie tells him. “You don’t need to make them proud if you don’t want to.”

“But it’s not just them,” Steve says. “It’s this whole fucking town. It’s everyone, who looks, who talks, who knows, who judges. It’s- It’s like I can feel their eyes on me. I could ignore them for a bit, but not like this. I don’t want them seeing me like that.”

“Not everyone sees you like that,” Eddie says quietly. “I don’t.”

Steve looks at him, there seems to be a layer to the statement that he can’t quite get. He could read into it, but he’s not going to. It’s not going to happen between them. They’re too different. Eddie is too out there and Steve can’t deal with that.

“I know,” Steve answers anyway, equally soft. “I know.”

They fall quiet, looking out of the silent quarry together. Eddie relights his joint and takes a deep drag. Steve tries not to stare as Eddie’s lips suck on the filter and how the smoke slowly falls out of his mouth.

Eddie catches him looking and grins. Steve blushes and looks away. Eddie makes a soft noise at that and Steve looks back with a confused look to find Eddie offering him the joint. His brain short circuits at the idea of putting the joint that had been in Eddie’s mouth in his own.

He nearly takes him up on the offer just because of that, but in the end he refuses. He isn’t in the mood to get high, he gets emotional when he gets high and the last thing he wants is to cry all over Eddie.

When he does Eddie shrugs as if to say ‘your choice’ before taking another hit. He looks relaxed like this, leaning back on the roof of Steve’s car. The moonlight illuminates his face beautifully, almost ethereally.

Steve lets his mind drift off in the silence, until it is broken by Eddie, who says: “There is no shame in hiding.”

“What?” Steve replies, more as a prompt to elaborate than a question.

“I don’t want to make it seem like you need to be out and proud,” Eddie explains. “God knows I’m not either. It’s okay to hide that you’re queer. I just meant that you don’t have to try and strive for that heterosexual dream that your parents want for you. You don’t have to force yourself to change. It’s okay to just be you.”

No one has ever told Steve it’s okay to be him. He has never been good enough for his parents and all the choices he has made for himself have been judged by his peers. Just Steve has never been okay. Except with Chrissy, but even she doesn’t know he’s gay.

The fact that Eddie, who barely knows Steve, who should hate Steve for who he used to be, thinks he’s okay just by himself makes something comforting curl up into his chest. Steve can feel the blush on his cheek as he whispers: “Thank you.”

“Course,” Eddie smiles back, almost a little shy.

They break eye contact and fall quiet again. This time it’s Steve who breaks it by saying: “I would, you know, not try.”

“But?”

“But I can’t.” Steve doesn’t know why he feels the need to explain to Eddie, to get some sense of understanding from the other boy, but he does. “Everyone saw the fight with my father. If I don’t show that it wasn’t true, I’ll be the town pariah.”

“That’s already my job,” Eddie protests, though it falls flat seeing the circumstances. So, he sighs and says: “Yeah, I get it. That sucks, man.”

“Tell me about it,” Steve smiles, feeling that understanding and camaraderie he was craving.

“I won’t tell anyone about you getting kicked out,” Eddie promises suddenly.

It honestly hadn’t crossed Steve’s mind that he would. Eddie doesn’t seem the type to do that, especially not with what they share, but he’s glad nonetheless. “Thanks.”

“No need to thank me for not being a dick,” Eddie says. Then he offers: “You can crash at mine for the night if you need. It won’t be the most comfortable, but a roof is nice.”

For a moment Steve considers taking him up on the offer. However, he knows it’s not smart to get closer to this boy. This boy that he likes, who is sweet to him, who makes him laugh, who he can have a chance with if he lets himself get close. This boy, who could break his heart.

And the part he hates himself for, the practical part that assesses risks and thinks strategically, warns of the rumors that will go around if people find out he spend the night at Eddie’s. It would be smarter to keep his distance.

So, he shakes his head and politely lies: “Thanks, but it’s okay. I have a friend to crash at.”

“Alright,” Eddie shrugs. “Just know my door is always open. Me and my uncle Wayne both have a habit of taking in strays.” His face splits open in a cheeky grin as he winks.

Steve remembers the day in the cafeteria when Eddie stood up to Billy for him, when he told Steve he was under his jurisdiction now. That it was Eddie’s task to protect him. He doesn’t bring that up, however, instead saying: “You’re a fucking dork, Munson.”

“Oh it’s Munson now?” Eddie laughs. “Well alright then, Harrington.”

“I take it back, I take it back,” Steve laughs too, not wanting to loose the bit of closeness with Eddie, even if he knows it’s stupid to get close.

“Okay, okay, you’re forgiven, sweetheart,” Eddie smiles, taking another hit, before stubbing the joint out on the sole of his shoe, which shouldn’t be as hot as it is.

After that conversation drifts to less serious topics. They talk about all sorts of things. At one point Steve goes off on a tangent about why cheerleading is way harder than it looks and why this girl from another team was a total bitch during the competition. Meanwhile, Eddie explains DnD to Steve, when he can’t follow his new campaign idea.

It’s fun, Steve is pretty sure he hasn’t laughed this much in ages. They share dumb shit their friends did, like Gareth’s pants ripping on stage and Chrissy tripping over air. And just talk about stuff without having to hide.

They sit there for hours until Eddie breaks a natural lull in the conversation by saying: “I should probably get home. I want to catch a bit of sleep before my uncle gets home. And you shouldn’t show up at this friend’s place too late either.”

Steve’s mood drops at the reminder that this moment isn’t going to last forever and that he’ll have to sleep in his car tonight. It’s already a bit too late to be socially acceptable to show at some house and Steve suspects that Eddie doesn’t believe him, but he is glad the other doesn’t push.

“Course, I should get going too,” Steve nods. “Your car close to here?”

“Yeah, big boy, don’t worry your pretty little head about me,” Eddie tells him. After that he hesitates, making Steve wonder what he’s about to do. Then Eddie pulls him into a quick hug, before he skips off into the darkness with a wave and a: “See you around, Stevie.”

And just like that Steve is alone again.

He sits on his car for a little while longer and looks up at the sky as if it will give him better answers than the ones he has now.

The stars don’t grant him any further wisdom, so he sighs and gets into the backseat of his car, locking all his doors. He’s glad it isn’t winter, because he would have frozen his balls off. But tonight the temperature is comfortable.

Still, he tosses and turns for quite a bit, not really managing to fall asleep, but managing to doze off at least.

A knock on his window startles him for his sleep-awake limbo. He rubs his eyes, before he realizes what that knock means. Someone has found him. Someone knows he isn’t sleeping at home. He wonders if he can spin it as having had sex when he looks up and meets Hoppers eyes on the other side of the window.

Hopper might be more sympathetic, he hopes, but it will also make this a thousand time more awkward. They’ve been the two protectors of the group during all the Upside Down shit, which created a bit of a bond. However, this isn’t Upside Down shit, this is real world shit and Steve has no clue where Hopper stands in all of this.

Reluctantly he opens the backdoor and scoots so he’s sitting on the edge of the seat. He doesn’t look up yet, hoping Hopper hasn’t seen the bruise on his face. He greets: “Hi, Chief.”

“Hey, kid,” Hopper greets back. “So this is where you’ve been hiding. You’re not easy to find, you know.”

Hopper makes it sound like he’s been looking for him specifically instead of stumbling upon his car in a bout of bad luck. In his confusion, Steve forgets why he’s looking down, so he looks up and frowns: “What do you mean?”

He has a front row seat to how Hopper’s face morphs from amused exasperation to anger when he sees the bruise. Steve ducks his head again, as if that will undo it being seen, and says: “It’s nothing, it was just an accident.”

“Jesus, kid,” Hopper breathes. “No need to lie to me. Jonathan said you got into it with your father, but that looks worse than just a slap. What happened?”

“Jonathan?” Steve repeats, unsure if he heard correctly.

“Yeah, Jonathan,” Hopper confirms. “He was taking pictures at the graduation, saw it happen and told Joyce. She called me in a worry. I’ve been looking all over town for you.”

Of course, Jonathan. Steve now remembers Will over the radio talking about it. He hadn’t thought that Will worrying would be because Joyce was worrying, but now he also remembers Will in the arcade telling him that Joyce asked her boys to keep an eye on him.

Joyce has been worrying about him. She probably knows why he and his father fought, has heard all about it from fucking Jonathan. But still she’s worried. She called Hop. She send him out to look for Steve, because she’s worried.

He can barely believe anyone would care this much for him. His own parents have just tossed him aside like he is nothing, but Joyce, who he barely knows, whose son he insulted and fought, who’s only interaction with Steve has been through the Upside Down, just cares about him.

Without his permission tears start to slide down his face and sobs wrack through his body, bruised ribs aching with the movement.

“Hey, hey, now, come on, it’s okay,” he hears Hopper say, sounding a bit panicked at the sudden crying.

Steve wants to explain that he’s okay, just overwhelmed and tired, that he also doesn’t want to cry, but he can’t. All he can do is make a gesture with his hand, a vague waving motion, before more sobs overtake him.

A hesitant hand rests on his shoulder, heavy and comforting. Unconsciously Steve leans into it, which makes Hopper step forwards, until Steve can bury his face into Hopper’s stomach. Together they stand there until Steve is done crying about the unfairness of today, the unfairness of the world, for himself and for the parts of himself he has lost.

When the crying finally slows down, Hopper squats down with a groan so he can look Steve in the eyes. Steve doesn’t want to look him in the eyes, aware of the wetness on his cheek and the bruise that resides there, but Hopper cradles his face like he imagines a good father would and forces Steve to look at him.

“Kid,” he starts. “It’s gonna be okay. Just tell me what happened. Why are you all the way out here? What did he do to you? You can tell me, I promise.”

“I- I-” Steve says, stumbling over what he wants to say. He doesn’t want Hopper to hate him too, but he’s scrambling to find a good lie to explain it all. In the end he chokes out: “I tried to tell him it wasn’t true.”

“It’s okay, Steve,” Hopper soothes him. “Just tell me what happened.”

“I- I kept trying to tell him, but he wouldn't listen and then- and then he punched me again,” Steve hiccups. “And I went down and my- my mom, she just st- stood there. And he- he kicked me. He threw me out, Hop. He threw me out.”

Steve is near hysterical again as he remembers all he has suppressed throughout the night. The moment he has deliberately not thought about.

“Oh, kid,” Hopper says in sympathy, pulling Steve into a hug as he sobs without tears. He holds Steve tightly and angrily says: “We’ll get the bastard. Don’t worry.”

“No!” Steve exclaims, before he can think about it, pulling away from the embrace.

“No?” Hopper frowns, confused by the reaction.

“No,” Steve shakes his head, confirming what he said. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to press charges. I just want everyone to forget about it. He’s probably already gone by now anyway. Don’t bother.”

“Are you sure, kid?” Hopper checks, looking into Steve’s eyes as he does. “I can make sure he never sets foot in Hawkins again.”

“I’m sure,” Steve tells him.

“Alright,” Hopper nods, letting it go. He sets a step back and says: “But Joyce is going to want to know what happened when you get there. She’s probably blowing up my radio about if I found you yet. Don’t think you’re getting out of that one.”

Steve had almost managed to forget about Joyce and having to leave the safety of the quarry. He pleads: “Do I have to go?”

“What was your plan?” Hopper asks, with the air of someone that knows there wasn’t a better alternative plan.

“Uhm, stay here?” Steve offers anyway.

“No,” Hopper shuts it down without remorse. “I’m not letting you sleep in your car. Now you can pick, leave it here and drive with me or drive to Joyce yourself.”

“I’ll drive myself,” Steve gives in, wanting to have his car should he have to escape a second house tonight.

“Good choice,” Hopper nods. “I’ll see you there. No funny business.”

“Yes, Chief,” Steve says dully as he gets behind the wheel of his own car. Hopper stands there and waits until he turns on the ignition, before he turns to leave for his own car, parked a bit off from Steve’s.

Hopper drives behind him the entire way, ready to set chase should Steve try anything he doesn’t like. Steve almost hates how well Hopper has estimated his character. Because while he knows Joyce loves her boys, Steve isn’t one of them and it is harder to accept someone, who isn’t close to you like that.

And yeah, Steve is aware that she has had Jonathan and Will keep an eye on him and hounded Hopper to go find him when he went missing after the fight with his father, but still… A part of him is terrified of what he’ll come to face.

He already knows that he’ll deny it all if asked. He doesn’t care if they will accept it or not. He wants to ignore it exists. He wants to forget about it.

He meant what he told Eddie, he’s going to find a girl willing to date him. He’s going to make the town forget that there was ever any doubt about his sexuality. He’s been the target of this vitriol for only a few months, but that has been enough for him. He isn’t brave enough to face more of that, despite what Eddie might think.

So he can’t help, but feel like a man preparing for the gallows when he parks in front of Joyce’s house. Hopper must have radioed, because she is waiting for him under the porch light, looking relieved as he pulls up to the house.

Steve stays seated behind the wheel of his car, unable to make himself leave the safety of it until Hopper is standing next to the door.

Slightly unwilling, Steve opens the door and follows after Hopper, able to admit to himself that he hides behind the older man. He doesn’t know why the small, unassuming figure of Joyce scares him so much. Maybe because he knows her rejection will hurt almost more badly than that of his own mother.

Shyly he greets her: “Hey, Joyce.”

“Oh, Steve,” she sighs in a sympathetic yet unpitying way, as she steps forwards. Without thinking Steve sets a step backwards. With Hopper he’d been too out of it, but now he can’t help but think about all the ways he can get hurt again. A small frown appears between Joyce’s brows that she quickly wipes away, instead asking: “Can I hug you, Steve?”

That has him fighting tears again. He didn’t know a human could produce that many tears in one evening. Fortunately he manages to fight them off as he nods.

Immediately Joyce hugs him. It’s a bit awkward, because she has to bring his head down to let him hide in the crook of his neck, because she is so much shorter than him. However, once he’s situated, he can tell that this is one of the most comforting hugs he has ever had.

He takes a shuddering breath, but doesn’t break down again. Instead, he just clutches to Joyce and lets himself be held.

Joyce doesn’t let go for a good long while. When she finally steps away, it’s to inspect his face under the light hanging on the porch. She asks: “Do you want some ice for that, honey?”

“It’s okay. Barely feel it anymore,” he lies with a small smile. He doesn’t care that he’s lying, he can live with the dull ache. It feels like a deserved punishment, like the concussion Jonathan gave him back in junior year.

“Are you hurt anywhere else?” she asks.

Steve bites his lips and chances a look at Hopper, whom he told about the kicks. Hopper raises a brow, which sends a clear message. Still, Steve doesn’t want to admit the extend of it and he tries to rationalize it because it could have been worse. “Just some scrapes and bruises.”

“Alright,” Joyce lets it go for now. Steve doesn’t know if she believes him, but he is glad she changes the subject. “I’ve got two curious boys in there. Before we go in, do you want to talk about it with me? What do you want me to say to them?”

Indeed, behind her Jonathan and Will are trying to watch the three people on the porch through the window, while also trying to be stealthy about it. It reminds him a bit of the time with Billy and he has to swallow at the thought.

Then the question hits him and the feeling of getting watched creeps over him again. His shoulders tense as he says: “Not much to say. Nothing happened.”

That is a lie to all of them, but the message comes across anyway. Steve doesn’t want to talk about it. Not with Joyce and Hopper and definitely not with Jonathan and Will. He knows Will must have questions and he should probably assure the kid that he’s fine and it’s not all bad, that Will will be okay too. But he’s not in the mood for that now. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be.

“Okay,” Joyce says, easily. Steve is sure she’ll get Hopper to tell her everything Steve told him, but he tries to ignore that. Just like the two adults are doing. “Jonathan can sleep with Will tonight and you can take his room. I’m sure you can use the rest.”

When she mentions it, he can feel the exhaustion hit him with full force and he nods tiredly.

She leads him into the house, sending Jonathan and Will a look that has them stay right there and not say a thing. Steve is grateful for it. Joyce shows him to Jonathan’s room, where she lends him a pair of pajamas, something he has forgotten in his haste.

Before she leaves him to change and sleep, she says: “We’ll probably need to talk about it a little more in the morning. Just some schematics, nothing to worry about. Try to get some sleep now, okay?”

“Okay,” Steve agrees. Though he would have agreed to anything if it meant getting to sleep and letting oblivion take him. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Joyce smiles.

She goes to leave the room, but Steve stops her before she can. “Joyce?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“No problem,” she smiles. “You never are.” And with those earth shattering words, she leaves him alone.

He stands there for a few seconds, trying to comprehend the words, before he gives up. He’s too exhausted for any more emotions. So, he changes and crawls into the bed. Sleep taking him before his head can hit the pillow.

When he wakes up the next morning, his head is pounding and his eyelids feel like they weigh a thousand ton. He lets out a groan and curls into himself, in doing so falling off the bed.

“Wha?” he mumbles, blinking his eyes open, an unfamiliar room coming into view. Jonathan’s room, he realizes. Fuck.

All that had happened the day before comes flooding back. It hits him in the chest and leaves him breathless for a second. He still can’t quite believe yesterday is real and he is actually at the Byers house instead of his own. It seems like he always ends up here when something life changing happens, he wonders if the house is cursed. If the Byers are. Or he is.

Steve sits on the floor, staring at the ground. He should get up and drink something to negate the crying headache, but when he leaves he’ll have to face Joyce, maybe even Hopper. And Jonathan and Will. He can’t face Jonathan and Will.

Jonathan, who had seen it all. Who had witnessed his shame, his humiliation and who told Joyce it happened. After all they had been through together, the names Steve had called him, it had to be Jonathan, who saw.

And Will? How can he face Will? Will always looks at him with those eyes that are half awe, half desperate reaching for the connection they share. Steve has never confirmed it and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to now. What can he tell Will, who knows what happened? How can he explain, when he doesn’t want to understand himself?

With that he isn’t even thinking about Hopper, who found him sleeping in his car, because Steve is homeless now. Or Joyce, who told Hopper to find him, because she wants him at her house for some reason.

It’s all too much.

So, he sits on the floor of Jonathan’s room and hugs his knees to his chest and stares. He doesn’t really think about it – he doesn’t want to think about it – he just looks at the ground.

A soft knock snaps him out of his revelry and he looks up. Steve isn’t sure how long he’s been sitting there, but apparently is has been long enough that he can’t keep ignoring the outside world anymore.

“Steve? Are you okay?” Joyce’s voice comes through the door. “There is breakfast if you’re interested.” Steve can’t bring himself to answer her, feeling frozen. Joyce speaks up again: “Can I come in?”

He can hear the worry in her voice and instantly feels bad about his silence, when she has been there for him. Still, his mouth doesn’t cooperate beyond a humming sound.

Joyce must take the sound to be an okay, because the door gets pushed open and she poked her head in. Her eyes lock onto Steve, still curled up on the floor, and her expressions softens into something sympathetic that makes Steve’s skin crawl.

Quickly he uncurls into a normal seating position, acting as if his location is a very normal one. He croaks: “Good morning,” voice rough with disuse.

“Good morning,” Joyce greets softly, entering the door and sitting down on the desk chair, before turning to Steve, who has gotten up and now sits on the bed, legs folded. She asks: “How are you feeling, honey?”

“I’m fine,” he says, the reply an ingrained reaction. To make it more believable, he adds: “Just- you know- It hasn’t landed yet, I guess.”

“That’s totally understandable, Steve,” Joyce tells him. “Can you tell me what happened? I heard some of it, but I want to hear it from you.”

“My father got the wrong idea about me and kicked me out,” Steve shrugs. He is determined to keep up the facade as long as he can. He isn’t confirming shit to anyone. That only gets him hurt and he is tired of hurting.

“You know,” Joyce offers tentatively, “it would be okay if it was the right idea. I won’t judge you, if it is.”

“Well, it isn’t,” Steve snaps, not in the mood and feeling cornered.

“Okay, okay,” Joyce immediately backs off, her hands in the air in a disarming manner. “Just in case, honey.”

Steve still doesn’t fully trust it, but he needs as many people as he can get in his corner right now, so he is a little more forgiving than he wants. So, he huffs: “Thanks, but not necessary.”

The hiccup creates a small silence between them. It’s clear that Joyce has been preparing to have a very different conversation. If Steve has to guess she expected tears and a confession, worries she could soothe and support she could offer. But that’s not what’s happening.

It is admirable how she bounces back after a moment, saying: “Hopper mentioned you were sleeping in you car?”

“Of course he did,” Steve sighs.

“We’re just worried about you,” Joyce responds to that, pointing to the one thing Steve still doesn’t understand.

“Why?” he asks. Too curious not to. When Joyce looks confused, he explains: “I was a dick to Jonathan in junior year and you barely know me. Why do you even care that my father thinks I’m a fag and kicked me out? Just why? I don’t get it.”

“We don’t say that word here,” she snaps with a force that has Steve blinking.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Joyce smiles. “Just don’t do that again.” Then she lets out a breath and says: “You saved my boy’s life. Jonathan told me what happened here. How you came back. I owe you so much, Steve.”

At the words, a lump appears in Steve’s throat. He has never really thought about how he saved Nancy and Jonathan. It was just something he felt like he had to do, to make it right. He never expected to be thanked for it. He looks away, slightly bashful.

“And last fall, you held down the fort, you kept those kids safe,” she goes on. “You’re still so young, honey, but you were the third adult here. I know I can count on you. You did so much for my family. Of course I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Oh,” Steve says, stumped for anything else to say.

Joyce luckily doesn’t push him, instead she repeats: “There is breakfast if you want. I can also come bring you a plate.”

Steve is tempted the moment he hears the offer. He’s not quite ready to be looked at yet. So, he softly says: “I’d like to say here, if that’s okay with Jonathan.”

“I’ll talk to him,” Joyce says. “Should I bring you some breakfast?”

“Yes, please.”

She leaves with a squeeze to his leg. He’s still reeling from what she said, he never thought he would have impact on anyone, not anything positive. And he’s never been trusted. But apparently Joyce has him higher than he ever thought possible.

When Joyce comes back with a plate with eggs and toast, it hasn’t fully landed yet. So, he just takes the plate a small: “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Joyce smiles. “It’s fine to stay here for a little. Jonathan is off to his internship for most of the day. We’ll look later about a more permanent sleeping arrangement. You can stay as long as you like.”

The lump from before comes back in full force. It’s an odd feeling to be wanted. He has only experienced it with the cheer squad. And Eddie.

He remembers Chrissy’s look at graduation. She might be worried. He can’t face her yet, doesn’t want her to know what happened between him and his father, but he does want her to know that he is okay.

“Can I call someone?” he asks.

“Of course, honey,” Joyce assures him. “I’ll ask Will to go play at Mike’s today, so you can have some peace. I have to go to work soon, but feel free to anything in the house.”

Fuck, she’s so nice and Steve isn’t sure he deserves it. However, her words remind him of the others, who might have heard Will over the radio last night. How they might know. With fear he asks: “Who knows I’m here? Who knows what happened?”

“No one, except for us and Hopper,” Joyce assures him.

“But the radio?” Steve asks.

“Will used a private frequency to contact you. No one heard,” Joyce explains. “It’s okay. I’ll ask them not to tell.”

“And Jonathan?” Steve presses, needing to be sure that Jonathan won’t tell Nancy. They work together if he remembers right and she’s his girlfriend. He really doesn’t want Nancy to know.

“Jonathan knows not to say,” Joyce tells him, a grimness in her voice that has Steve remembering Lonnie.

He doesn’t want to prod as to how Jonathan would know, but he realizes the Byers might have more reasons than Steve’s saving their life to be worried about him. It aches that this family has to go through so much. And he feels a bit bad that Joyce is comparing, because his father never hit him before yesterday, he mostly just left.

However, he doesn’t say anything about that and just nods. He takes a bite of his breakfast and thanks Joyce again. She assures him once more that it’s fine, then goes to get ready for work. Steve listens to her going around the house, hears how she ushers Will out of the house as well, before he is blessedly alone.

He creeps into the living room and calls the Cunningham house. Mrs. Cunningham picks up: “This is the Cunningham household, to whom am I speaking?”

Steve freezes. He doesn’t know who’ll have heard about what happened at graduation and he doesn’t want Mrs. Cunningham to forbade her daughter from seeing him. He lilts his voice up slightly and says: “Hi, ma’am, I’m in Chrissy class. I’m Stttt-an? Stan. She helped me with English this year, I- I have to take the summer classes. I wanted to ask her something before I have to go today. Can I speak with her?”

Mrs. Cunningham tuts a little as Steve holds his breath, then she says: “This stays over the phone,” in a threatening manner, before calling Chrissy’s name.

There are some noises over the phone, before Chrissy’s confused voice asks: “Stan?”

“You actually know a Stan?” Steve asks.

“It’s you,” Chrissy smiles. “Great cover.” Then her voice dims again. “Are you okay? What happened? Should I come get you?”

“No, no, I’m fine,” Steve says. “I’m staying at a friend’s house until my parents leave town again. Let him cool down for a bit. Just wanted to let you know I’m okay.”

“I’m glad,” Chrissy says, sounding a bit relieved. “They’re saying all sorts of horrible things about you. I was worried.”

“Don’t listen to them,” Steve assures her, with a dull pain in his chest. “It’s just stupid lies by rumor hungry people. It was a misunderstanding. We’re cool now. I do need to find a job. I’ll call you when I have one and you can come by. How’s that sound?”

“Sounds good,” Chrissy answers. She sounds a lot happier than she did earlier and Steve is glad for that. He hates when she’s sad. “Oh, my mom is glaring at me. I’m gonna have to hang up. Please call me when you can, okay?”

“Sure, will do,” Steve promises, before he hangs up.

He’s going to have to lie a lot more, to a lot more people and it fucking sucks. But he doesn’t want to deal with the alternative. And it’ll only be temporary, he promises himself, just until people forget what they used to say about him and move onto new rumors.

It’s not like he has many people, who want to come by his house. He still has to figure out what to do about the kids, but Dustin will be off to camp soon and the others have a summer break to spend with each other. He has dealt with Chrissy and he knows Lisa is off on a big vacation, because her parents want to spend as much time with her before she is off to college.

Maybe he can do this. Yeah, he can totally do this. Just find a job, get enough money that he can pretend that he just moved out of his parent’s instead of being kicked out. Find a girl, convince everyone he’s straight.

Easy peasy.

~~

A/N:

I'm not gonna be able to make the next two upload moments, but i'll be back before you know it with the next chapter :D

#rr writing #stranger things #steve harrington #eddie munson #steddie #jonathan byers #parental joyce byers #joyce byers #parental jim hopper #jim hopper #chrissy cunningham #steve harrington & chrissy cunningham #st post season 2 #will byers #tw: child abuse mention #tw: homophobia mention #tw: internalized homophobia #tw: f slur #cheerleader steve harrington au #buckingham

[thesketchyheartist]

01/31

Tomino- Mobile Suit Gundam Episodes 1, 2, 8; Lamarre- Introduction My reactions immediately after the episode:

Post episode 1: The characters' eyes instantly remind me of that Korean YouTube video "Guess who?". I can't remember the creator, but the way the eyes have those reflection orbs in a solid color eyes (no pupils). I did not have subtitles, but looking at the fandom's wiki, I am displeased to find out the female lead's real name is not a playful nickname, insult name, or a name to play with words; It's Fraw Bow but I thought it said "frow brow" or "frow bow" which sounds awfully loke "frown brow" to imply her nagging attitude. Something inside me can't help but cringe when she cried and the main character and male lead has to literally slap her out of her trauma. Like, okay man, if you had your parents and grandparents killed in front of you, just a nice little b**ch slap is what you need. Overall, nice way to introduce the characters and their background. Although the enemies' reason for war sounds too similar to America's (actually any colony's) war for independence. The narrator said people were shocked, but it was not like America did not have a lot of street fights and actual battles, too. Not to justify the violence and the need to make battle suits, but they put too much praise for Amoro to step up and fight at a young age. I should say, I would not be surprised if someone else had a different reaction.

Post episode 2: So, another small detail I noticed is the shape or rather the rendition of noses. The shading underneath the nostrils is like a shading in manga or in comics. As these are animated faces, the details are simple, and the younger characters have a rounder face. Also, I don't think they blink, which is funny considering how detailed their eyes are. An important thing I noticed: a side character, wiki calls "Kai", runs back to the White Base by himself. Sayla criticizes him for being a "coward". While I know there must be more to the story, I can't help but wonder is it truly a cowardly move to escape with your life or a clever strategy to survive. At the same time, this is the first time we also meet Sayla, so perhaps it speaks more about her own character than Kai's.

Post episode 8; We were not assigned episodes 3-7, so my reaction may lack context. Spoilers permitted at your own expense: Kai in the span of 4 episodes became part of the military. I think it's because of the low supply of personnel as mentioned in episode 2. Also, you notice how his eyes are more of the "cunning" type to imply he is like Amaro's foil. In the WWI/WWII times, Kai would be the opposite of the ideal soldier, but during this episode he comes out as someone who is brave. I hope he does get some character development (when he goes into puberty and/or trauma, his eye shape might change). Also, Char calling Garma as someone who is too privileged makes fun of past Japanese leaderships during WWII.

These episodes altogether reflect the post-WWII sentiments Japan had. While weapons of unsurmountable force can and does tip the balance of a stalemate in their favor, the sheer power of these weapons compare to the power the atomic bomb had when it was first used. Japan recognized that if Japan ever came up with a power that outranks even Western weapons, they will use it for good because they were once the victims of a power that was used for the greater good...of America. While some may see this as humiliation, and they would not be wrong to frustrated veterans and civilians, it is also important to see this as equally humbling as humility for the silenced and hidden.

The animation and art style reminds me of the first Pokemon anime. While fictional creatures and fictional mechs are not alike at all, the animation reminds me of stopmotion, smooth but patterned to make a fluid-like movement.

also yesterday my birthday. this anime older than my parents.

-01/30/2024

[salemssimblr]

15 Questions for 15 Mutuals

Thank you for the tag @ethelgodehel!

Are you named after anyone?

No, my parents chose between Ashley & Amber so I guess they perused the As in the baby book and got bored 😅 I'm getting married next month though and in the process of changing my surname I'll be changing my first to either Ash or Ashe, I haven't decided which yet.

When was the last time you cried?

Uhhh, a few weeks ago? Depression is a bitch

Do you have kids?

I do not and I don't want them.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Too often lmao it's my love language. And also my regular language. And also a hobby.

What sports do you play/have you played?

No mainstream sports, but I was in marching band in high school and let me tell you it counts.

What’s the first thing you notice about other people?

Idk, their eyes I think? Or how they talk? Or their general demeanor? Definitely not their name I'm terrible at remembering names I forget immediately.

Eye colour?

Brown (:

Scary movies or happy endings?

Both! Obviously not at the same time. But everything has its place and time and I can appreciate both.

Any special talents?

Uhhh, art I guess.

Where were you born?

A little town called Marrero, south of New Orleans, Louisiana.

What are your hobbies?

Writing, digital art, music, etc.

Do you have any pets?

Yes! A sweet lil doggo named Loki Lou

How tall are you?

My license says 5'2" but that's bullshit. 5'0". I'd have been 4'11" but I had corrective surgery for my scoliosis at 12 and gained 2" (:

Fave subject in school?

I was/am an English girlie. It was my fave subject throughout school, and in my senior AP class especially. We were a small class of 11 students and shirked the normal lesson plans in favor of more fun things, like acting out Macbeth in the school's auditorium instead of just reading it in the classroom. The teacher also brought in a coffee pot for us (on my request) so we had fresh brewed coffee every day.

Dream job?

An author, that would be ideal. I've got a lot of ideas rolling around in my brain but haven't been brave enough to put them to paper (screen?) yet despite having a literal bachelor's degree in writing. One day I'll be less afraid of failure enough to actually try. 😢 If not an author, I'd be more than happy just to work in a publishing role of some kind. (:

I'm tagging @olya-occult-lover, @m0n0lithical, @druidberries, @lucidicer, @reality-refuge, @0-nouke-0, @saltyrunawaysalad, @simlishpiadina, @buttertrait, @cozyacres, @nata1997, @slfj-creative, @isthisdesire98, @helltrait, & @gothoffspring (sorry if yall have done it already!)

#15 questions #nonsims

[38sr]

Who was your inspiration to getting into industry

Can you explain briefly about how did you study before getting into the animation industry

Oooh, hmmmmm. It's not so much a who but what inspired me to work in animation. This is a bit of a story so I guess sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy my incoherent thoughts. So for as long as I remember, animation has always been there in my life in the sense that I watched a lot cartoons and animated films. Also, I was always drawing as a kid already (according to my mom since age 2, credible source). But even then I never had any aspirations or an inkling of a thought to pursue animation.

Drawing was just fun, cartoons were just fun, animated films were just fun and was just....an escape from the reality that my parents were divorced and going through custody court meetings over me and my siblings. But even then it wasn't a perfect escape 'cause it was the early 2000s and media was pushing the "perfect nuclear family" concept that just wasn't my reality. So what was the thing that changed my mind? In April 2007, my aunt took me and my siblings to a film festival in NYC where we watched a Japanese animated film called Brave Story. This was at the height of the Pokemon craze and my aunt thought the movie was a Pokemon movie so you could see why she took us there haha. And I'll never forget this moment 'cause this movie quite literally changed my life.

Brave Story was the first ever piece of media I ever watched where the main character's parents are separating and it was shown through the perspective of the child. Thinking about it always makes me a bit emotional because up until that point....it felt like no one understood or saw what me and my siblings were going through. Adults who were around us and knew of our situation had presumptions about us, media that had a character with divorced parents always portrayed them as mean, angry or bullies to the main characters of a perfect nuclear family because those kids' homes were "broken" therefore we were too. Was I angry? Yeah, but it stemmed from confusion and lack of articulation skills to express myself as a 10 year old. I really wanted to escape from the reality because I didn't know how to handle it as a child...nor was there anything I could look at to help guide me.

Until I watched Brave Story and saw the main character go on an adventure that taught him how to cope and navigate his new reality. And it was an animated film! For the first time time I had thought, "I could be the main character too? I can go on adventures and not have to have the perfect family? I don't have to be certain type of person in order for stories to be written about me?" It just BOOM! Blew my mind! And....I can't quite explain the feeling but there was just this thing growing inside me that made realize, "This is what I have to do. I need to do this. I'm going to do this." And from there, the rest is history. Since I was like 10 I just, never looked back and whole heartedly poured myself into doing whatever I could to work in animation.

After that, geez I feel bad about answering this question because I didn't learn how to animate until I was in college. But yeah, I just remember drawing A LOT. I didn't have the resources to study animation so I just drew a lot of comics, watch even more animation (including anime), try to replicate the things I liked, made flip books in my Five Star notebooks, anything I could do that was close enough to animation. It wasn't until high school that I finally got to take an art class that taught me drawing fundamentals (figure drawing, composition, perspective, color theory, etc.) and I was neck deep in textbooks to keep my grades as high as possible for college applications. I knew that my family didn't have the money to send me to the CalArts, SVA, and what not unless I had the grades to get scholarships. And in the end, I never went to any of those schools haha. The school I went to was a private art school and the animation program....let's just say wasn't the best and I ended up doing more on my own than the school did. But that's a story for another day if anyone is interested in knowing my art school experience haha. But yeah, that is 1) a very long explanation on what got me into animation and 2) a brief summary of what I studied before getting into an animation program and learning to animate (primarily drawing fundamentals). I hope that answered your questions!

#ask #ask me questions #animation #animation industry #industryqs

[batboyblog]

thank you so much. your words are so sweet and thoughtful, you are a very lovely person for taking your time to talk to a stranger online when you had no obligation to. you're incredibly kind.

it's incredibly funny that you mention challah specifically, because one of the things i did after learning about grandma's story was researching a lot more about jewish customs in eastern europe. in doing so, i learned about babka. it's a bread with chocolate rolled into the dough, something i grew up eating - mostly my mom's version, but when we visited my grandparent's house grandma would make it for us with crushed walnuts. i loved it so much as a kid one of my first worries when my teeth started changing was 'how am i gonna eat grandma's chocolate bread now'. We called it chocolate bread, because up until the point of my research I had no idea it was called babka, or that it was a jewish desert from eastern europe. i keep catching these little things our family does that i thought nothing of until now, and that i keep learning are jewish customs. i have no idea how grandma managed to keep the recipe for it, she was so young when she migrated. maybe it was her sister, she was 4 years or so older. and to think that it survived to me and my cousin is striking. grandma is very old now, so i dont want to talk to her about this and risk upsetting her or making her sad, and i wish id had their brother to talk to - from what our aunt says, he was a lot more open about being jewish, albeit not about having fled Poland. So this has been a unique conversation for me. Thank you for letting me open up.

What you say about learning touches me. I want to learn more, to keep learning about this and to do so before Grandma passes on. She and her siblings were so brave, it's an honor to even think of having that story with me.

i hope you know deep in your heart that your words have given me a warmth like none other. thank you.

I love babka! and it is amazing they kept the recipe (and wonderful)

if you like cooking/baking I'd recommend picking up King Solomon's Table, Honey Cake & Latkes: Recipes from the Old World by the Auschwitz-Birkenau Survivors, The Book of Jewish Food, Modern Jewish Baker by Shannon Sarna, Jew-ish by Jake Cohen

any ways on your grandmother, in the last few years my 3 living grandparents passed away in their 90s and I miss them very much. I found each of them much more interested in telling their stories, talking about people who died before my parents were born. This was particularly true after my grandfather's older brother passed and my grandmother's sister. I think we as people have a need to share and an obligation to speak of the dead. I don't know her, but I hope you get to talk about this or at least some part of it, ask whose babka recipe it is, did her mother teach them both? or just her older sister who showed her? or was it their big brother? were they bakers in the old country? I know it gave my grandmother a great deal of comfort when she got Alzheimer's to share photos of her parents with us and tell their story before it was too late, I think focusing on the end of the story is maybe a mistake, she had a life before that and I hope maybe she can remember it for what it was, good.

We're all running out of time with them, every year they do The March of the Living, a march between Auschwitz and Birkenau, in 2019 the march was lead by 70 survivors, in 2022 the first post-Covid march, just 8 and people are saying it might be the last that has any... time is running out. When they're gone, it won't be gone, but our ability to... touch it, to see past horror to find the people the real people, it'll be so much harder

oh I'd also recommend Born to Kvetch, Just say Nu, and Rhapsody in Schmaltz by Michael Wex since at a guess Yiddish was your grandma's first language.

any ways good luck with all this, I do think you should talk with your grandma, just be sensitive in how you do it

shalom and good luck.

#Jewish #Jumblr #holocoust

[asgoreandbud]

Here’s a rendition of UNDERTALE: kindness, an Au/self insert about our fallen humans journey through the underground

Undertale: kindness

The story will have more changes from the original as the game progresses,also if you’ve seen my previous posts this is going to be an Asgore x Author fanfic…Enjoy (о´∀`о) (Based off UNDERTALE by toby fox…any events that play out in real life are not in any way coincidences uwu)…

(Name) is 20 btw…

Long ago two races ruled the earth…HUMANS and MONSTERS…they lived peacefully together until one day war broke out between the two races…After a long battle the humans were victorious…presumably it was out of fear but sadly many monsters were murdered…Friend was turned against friend…lovers and families were torn apart…The humans sealed the monsters underground with a magical barrier which only a human could pass…Many years later…Mt.Ebbot 202x…Legends say that those who climbed the mountain would never return…but you already knew that, You knew about the monsters…about ASGORE…many a human claimed this all to be a fable but you wished-No…you knew that you would show KINDNESS… …And in your heart…you would do what’s right…You wake up on a pile of golden flowers…Finally…after all this time…you’ve waited so long…for your dream to come true…you look around hoping to find another soul…your foot got hurt while climbing down even when you used a rope carefully…your backpack has your precious belongings and a phone to keep contact with your parents and siblings…You look around, you begin to tear up in relief…it was all worth it…it was true…You could live the life of love you’ve always wished for in passing days…after a while of reflecting you get up despite your hurt leg and walk to the next room…you used to know what was “supposed” to happen in the underground but your memory seemed to be wiped clean of that other than the clear memory of //////// (crossed out)…you saw a golden flower who turned around…”Howdy! I’m Flowey! Flowey the flower!” You smiled “Oh hello, You can call me Bud…” Flowey smiled cheekily, “Glad to meet you too…You must be new to the underground arent’cha?” “Golly you must be so confused and a bit hurt I can see!…Too bad there’s no one else to show you around let alone help, so I guess lil’ old me will have to do!” Flowey hastily started a board and a green heart came out from your chest…there was also a health bar and your ‘lv’…”See that heart?” You nodded, “That’s your SOUL the culmination of your being! Your soul starts off weak but you can grow strong if you gain a lot of LV!” Level…this wasn’t a game…this was real life… “What does LV stand for? Why LOVE of course!” Phew…you would be sure to gain a lot of LOVE, a much better change from cruelty and violence…you weren’t planning on hurting anyone either way…Flowey smiled and took out 5 white seeds “Down here LOVE is shared through little white ‘friendliness pellets’…I actually have some on me so go ahead and catch as many as you can!” Your SOUL reached out for the pellets until…you felt a sharp piercing pain from your very SOUL…you let out a cry of pain…”you IDIOT” “In this world it’s kill or be killed…who would pass up on an opportunity like this?” He surrounded you with bullets all around…”DIE.”You looked around in terror as he cackled maniacally…you cried…was this the end?…suddenly you felt a healing energy around you and the sound a fireball whisking Flowey away…A kind motherly monster arrived…”What a terrible creature torturing such a poor innocent youth…Are you alright my child?…”She looked at you with concern…Greetings I am Toriel guardian of the RUINS…I pass by here to see if any human has fallen…here follow me I will guide you through the catacombs…”You took her hand as she led you. The next room had a pile of leaves and looming staircase…The next room had a few buttons. “Down here in the underground there are many puzzles, ancient traps and diversions to block enemies”…She stepped on a few of the tiles and pressed the switch next to the door which swung open. “Come along now…” she beckoned, There was a small sign, “Brave ones…foolish ones…both not walk the middle path”…what could that possibly mean? You hoped to not pass in the following dungeons but you knew Toriel cared for you so you hoped you would be safe, you said a short prayer and waked into the next room… Tbc…

#fanfic #undertale x reader #asgore x reader #asgore #undertale #true love uwu #pacifist run #true pacifist #Asgore x Bud #Asgore x Name #wholesome

[warishaaa]

You're a very brave child.

My bravery is unscrupulous. It has very low grounds.

After every sunset, it has an illicit affair with my insecurities,

while spelling out "it's-not-that-bad" It's the hypocrite of the finest kind.It has given birth to cuts.

My bravery gets washed away often with the first soak and sometimes gets stuck in the fabric my mom often used to dry my tears as a kid with; Rolling and drifting away-always at the edge of leaving me and me like a pacifier of a toddler trying to hold it.

Three hundred sixty-something days have passed

and the wilding winds don't flow in my favour anymore,even the fluctuations refuse to show a dearth of pain and Colors of sorrow paint my joys.The aurora of the sky is nothing but each embedded by the never-ending grief.

My parents have kids failing at love,

confused, lost, and lonely,

yet they have never met them.

They are stuck at versions that said petty lies

in an attempt to go see their lovers

and played little tricks that they thought cool and searched for their

crushes in assembly lines coming up with excuses to go talk to them

and sunshine landed on the doorsill of their mornings

dandelions flew in paths they crossed.

Growing up they have called me moonchild, star, and whatnot

yet I find myself aimlessly staring at these celestial bodies because I don't

resemble any of them, not the brightness of Jupiter in cold evenings

not the light of the moon let alone the burns of any star.

My skin isn't made of stardust but mud that melts away at every inconvenience

and my eyes don't carry the spark of fireworks but ducts that don't function well,

The shine in them is not the embodiment of thoughts but the tears I held on to and didn't let out.

Habituations is a gift-wrapped curse, we get used to a lot of things

that initially seem unacceptable and I guess that is necessary for people to hold on, to somehow keep in terms with the inevitability. That they will be wronged and they will have to live through it.

Like The skin of your thighs is habituated to the cold of your hands,

your tongue is numb to the taste of saliva,

the untanned mark on your wrist is habituated to the precision of your watch,

the way you accept scars into the totality of your body,

the way your palms curl into fists every time you're startled,

when you learn to eat without disturbing that one tooth that is about to fall down,

even your pupil adjusts with darkness;

It doesn't make it easier, doesn't make it hard

it just leaves it the way it is.

By the time you leave thinking you aren't meant for being alone, you will be habituated to silence.

Everything is slow in December

Noons are vibrant, Nights are subtle

Tangerines are sweet and dry cuts a compulsion

Yet The only thing wintery about this winter is how the most fragile of things hurt so bad.

The boiled egg sandwich still sinks in the back pocket of my bag that was once wrapped for tiffin and now it has started stinking my world

I've always found it hard to let the love of any form go away even if it changes my life and makes me sick and drained, Was I so deprived of it?

As a kid, I often chewed on the yolk of it bcz it was handfed with tears in my eyes controlling the reverse peristalsis

but I could never say no and maybe it was since then I've always let love consume me.

Honestly, life isn't much different in big cities because people here still breathe those small dreams.

While purchasing groceries I overhear a kid asking "Maa lost Mane?" and her mom replies "Hariye Jawa"

and mom you see me in your house binging tv but trust me I've never really been present.

and you hear me talk ambitiously about things but I barely really know what I will do

you hear stories of me finding routes alone but honestly, the world is big and it scares me

so I hide in these how-much-I-know, to let myself believe I have grown.

I haven't felt at place since I was twelve and I don't know if I ever will so I cling to my room.

I often look like one with answers to issues but often I'm lost in questions

How do I look at something and not have my heart pierced into a billion tiny holes all bleeding in the grief of what's gone?

There's a light that hasn't turned down since Diwali and I don't look for a lot of things once my glance refused to move on from

Some evenings it does feel like a robbery when I see high schoolers roaming around with their proudly believed inseparable group and love brimming on the tip of their fingernails and them running and falling and smiling and laughing and planning to meet in school the next day and the next day happening.

We get a lot in this life, but more than what we get is snatched away.

-Warisha

[angelofseeking]

brain dump

So, I work as a library clerk and spend a lot of time shelving books. Lately, it's gone from a peaceful repetitive task to one that allows me too much time alone with my thoughts. Today, I frequently thought about chr!stianity and it's relationship to my mom's increasingly conservative political views.

Recently, we had a conversation on the phone where she asked me if LGBTQ+ subjects should be taught to children in school. I explained to her that if I had had any clue that I was trans, I would've sooner been able to put a name to the feelings that made me depressed and suicidal for most of my life. She seemed to hear me and take my view seriously, to a degree. I didn't ask her if she agreed with me. I'm afraid what she'll say.

I did ask her why she wanted to know. Apparently there was a "knee-jerk reaction" from her sources to the idea of teaching about LGBT stuff in schools, and she wanted to know my viewpoint. I had hoped for a "you're right, honey, I believe you" but what she said was, "I don't think either side is right" and it doesn't sit well with me.

I'm becoming quite tired of my parent's inconsistency. I feel like I've never had a stable place to exist, in spite of the fact that they housed me and fed me and, I believe, did their best to raise me. They are both so broken by the systems they grew up in, but I'm tired of using that as an excuse. I would like to be content with the fact that I have the power to break that cycle. In spite of their example, I became more compassionate, with the strength to withstand the pressure of social expectations. I will not be having children to transfer my trauma to. I see the world as it is, and I am more conscious of the harm I cause.

My parents have been calling me by the correct name and pronouns for years. It took them some time to fully accept me. Taking testosterone seemed to be the turning point, which I think is unfortunate. A lot of people didn't take me seriously until I got HRT. It's sad that trans people have to do that. I was dismissed constantly prior to making these changes. Someone I once considered a good friend actually said to me that he wasn't comfortable referring to me as a man until I started looking like one.

I'm really fucking sick of being trans sometimes. Or rather, I'm sick of cis society. I'm sick of thinking about it. I don't care that I'm trans. I cherish the moments of peace where I can exist without awareness of my transness. I'm just a person. I don't know why I am the way I am, only that I put every last effort I could muster into being a woman and it just wasn't working out.

I'm also really fucking sick of being tragedy porn for cis people. I'm not "brave" -- I was never given a fucking choice. It was fight or die. I wasn't "born in the wrong body." I was born in my body, and I take a medication to make my body feel a little more normal. Being trans isn't a disability, deformity, or form of mental illness -- but is it any different when someone takes antidepressants to exist easier in their own head? Chr!stians love to say everyone has a cross to bear. This is just mine, I guess.

My mom was confused and dismissive when I first came out to her as genderqueer. She shut me down and made me feel like I was being hysterical. I have often called her my best friend, and we certainly have trauma bonded over surviving my dad. I used to let her define my reality.

I don't know when the turning point was. But there came a point when she took me seriously, and she called me by the right name and pronouns before I got on HRT. I think it came from a place of sincerity. We were close for so much of my life. We used to smoke weed together and hang out all the time. Then her disillusionment with the medical industry took her down the rabbit hole into Q An0n land and before I knew it she was donating money to the Tr/ump campaign.

It used to be kinda quirky when she talked about how the reptilians were feeding on our "loosh" (negative emotions), but now she fully believes the world is run by satanists and considers herself to be a right-wing conservative chr!stian. She's also a nudist, which I only mention because it doesn't seem very conservative to me??

The thing that worries me now is that she's becoming so deeply indoctrinated by it that she'll start to see me as some kind of misguided sinner. There's still a part of me that wants to believe she has more sense than that, but. lol Like, does she think that my "liberal" upbringing made me trans? In that same conversation about LGBT education, she asked me if I wanted to be a man because I was always imitating my dad. And I was pretty confused. When have I ever wanted to be like my dad? I told her I was always looking to her for an example, and wanted to be like her. And in spite of that, I felt that I was a man.

I hate that I have to talk about this. I wish I could put my thoughts together in a coherent way, and make some kind of point. But I don't know if I can change anyone's mind.

It doesn't matter how other people see me. I'm stealth at work. I probably don't have to be, but I just don't know how people would react, and I've already had some negative experiences with people in the workplace before. I think most people, when they find out I'm trans, they lean more towards the "Wow, I couldn't tell!" camp (which I also hate tbh) rather than the "So, you're not really gay?" camp.

I'm not brave. I'm scared and I'm tired. And I'm angry. I'm very fucking angry.

I've wasted enough time worrying about what other people think. I've been acknowledged as a man 99% of the time every day for the past five or six years.

I recently posted a thing on Facebook about gendered terms I'm comfortable with, and there seems to have been some misunderstanding. I've been out as non-binary for a few years as well. And I'm starting to really reconsider what that means for me.

It doesn't help that this past December, I shaved my entire body and put on a dress to attend my best friend's wedding as her maid of honor. To me, it wasn't a big deal. I had a fantastic time. I felt so pretty, and I enjoyed being gendered differently by people throughout the night.

I enjoy being a gender chameleon. When I'm dressed that way, I don't necessarily care if I'm seen as a woman? But I do think of it more as drag than conforming to femininity, necessarily. If you see me as a woman when I'm literally in drag, that is the fucking point. But if I'm binding and I have a full beard and I'm in a polo shirt and cargo shorts, and you call me a woman, you are going to look like a fucking idiot, and I'm gonna laugh in your face.

Being in a place of healing has allowed me to better understand how I see myself. I'm a gay man. I like having a beard and a deep voice, and I'm lucky enough not to feel shame about my body and the sum of its parts. I'm attracted to men in a gay way. I'm seen as a man by my partner, my friends, my co-workers, my neighbors, by the public who frequents the library where I work.

I don't care for standards of masculinity that prevent me from wearing make up, certain clothing, nail polish. I don't feel ashamed for being short or for sometimes feeling sad. I wish that I could express my gender in the way that I want, but men are not allowed to be soft or pretty, and doing so leaves me vulnerable to being verbally and physically assaulted. Not only that, but expressing my femininity also always seems to be interpreted as a "go ahead" to misgender me and take my decision to transition into question.

So let me be clear. I'm not a woman. In a greater, existential sense, I have transcended gender itself to see it for what it truly is. But if I had to choose (and I do, apparently) then I'm a man. Just think of me as a regular guy.

Cis people think they know what it means to be free of gender. But until you hop the fence, you just don't. Until you commit a gender taboo so unforgiveable that you realize you could run the risk of losing your job, you have no idea. They blithely regurgitate the mantra of "gender is a biological characteristic" as though women were meant to be hairless and men meant to be bastions of logic, free of the taint of emotion. You will never truly be free until you've watched yourself die and rebuilt yourself from the ashes.

[amuseoffyre]

Since I got v. little sleep last night and I am have been hit in the feels by Emotions, I need to take a moment to talk about To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar.

I will take this moment to say yes, the film is very much of its time and aspects of it have aged badly, but in the context of when it was made, it was ground-breaking, especially in the USA where the criminalisation of homosexuality was still in place in a lot of states. It took me seeing a gifset of it this morning to bring home exactly what that film did for me when I was a little baby queer.

The year is 1996. Section 28 is in full swing in the UK, banning all reference to queer stuff in education. Lil Fyre is mid-teens and living in a very religious family in a very socially conservative town where pretty much everyone is beige and only the very brave present as anything other than cishet. We didn't even have visible Goths until about 2004 because violence. I didn't even know what "gay" was, despite being friends with the most flamboyant and only openly gay person in my school to my parents bewildered dismay (queers find queers, what can I say?). Yeah. Fun place to grow up.

So to say that I was a bit... isolated was an understatement. At this point, all I knew was that my world was entire cishet and entirely functioning in a specific way. You can imagine what that did to the brain of a lil neurodivergent baby queer who was trying and trying and trying to fit into this nice neat round hole of expectation while being a trapezoid.

Occasionally I would go and have a sleepover at a friend's house. We did it a load of times, but only one weekend really really stands out to me and that was the weekend she asked if I would watch drag films. I had no idea what those were (for obvious reasons) and just said yes, because I didn't want to seem stupid.

That weekend, my little baby queer eyes were shown a world I didn't even know existed and 25 years on, I am now crying over it. For some reason it hit me hard today (possibly the insomnia, possibly all my feels are a bit raw from current fandom) and I spent an hour sobbing over my breakfast.

It let me see that hey, it's okay not to fit into that round hole. Yes, it is possible to change your presentation and feel gender euphoria and to be able to look in the mirror and smile like Vida did. We won't deny it will be hard, but you can and will find friends, good friends and true friends who accept you are *you* and not as the world tells you to be. The scene between Vida and Carol Ann, the "I guess I just have a lady friend who has an adam's apple" is just... yes. You are my friend and I accept you as you and god, I needed to see something like that.

For someone who didn't know where they fit in - and took a good number more years to work things out plus whoop, look you are officially very neurodivergent have medication - just seeing that there were other possibilities, other places and people and alternatives to the pressing weight of "get married and have babies like a good little Christian" was absolutely staggering.

Yes, the film has flaws. Yes, it has not aged well. But in that time and in that place, when we didn't have anything like it, Carol Ann  (as well as the other towns folk) showing up in that red dress to support Vida, embracing her, accepting her and calling her “my friend”? That stays with you.

#to wong foo thanks for everything julie newmar #to wong foo #formative experiences that changed my world view

[storiesforallfandoms]

the type you bring home to mom ~ eddie kaspbrak;it chapter two

word count: 2361

request?: no

description: in which he finally brings his girlfriend home to his over protective mother, and it goes exactly as he thought it would

pairing: teen!eddie kasprak x female!reader

warnings: swearing, overbearing mother, derogatory name calling (i guess?), basically eddie’s mom just sucking

masterlist (one, two)

note: (y/n/p) = your parents’ names

I played with the hem of my dress as I walked up to the Kaspbrak household. I was regretting my choice in wardrobe, but it was too late to change now. I knew nothing would feel right anyways, I had already changed three times before I came over.

For the first time in our year long relationship, I was meeting Eddie’s mother. We had somehow managed to keep our relationship a secret for so long that I never felt like I had to meet her, and Eddie wasn’t exactly pushing for it either. As much as he loved his mom, he also knew she was manipulative and overbearing, and he often told me how he was afraid of his mom scaring me off because of these facts.

When the news eventually got out and travelled quickly through the small town of Derry, as gossip usually does, it got to Ms. Kaspbrak in no time. She immediately demanded to meet me, and Eddie set up a dinner at his house for the occasion.

Before I could even knock on the door, it swung open to reveal my tall boyfriend smiling down at me. Any tension I had melted away as I looked up at him, into those beautiful eyes that could calm me down whenever they were on me. He took my face in his hands and pulled me to kiss him. It was such a normal action that, at first, I leaned into it happily, until I realized the circumstances of my visit and quickly pushed him away.

“She’s not here,” he said, as if reading my worried thoughts. “She’s gone out to get some stuff for dinner.”

He stepped aside to let me step into the house. It wasn’t unfamiliar territory; Eddie and I had had many rendezvous there during the rare moments when his mom wasn’t home, but it felt wrong to be there on this occasion. I just wanted it to end already, and to go home or go for a long drive with Eddie.

“Come, sit,” he said, leading me to his living room. We sat close to one another on the couch, so close that we were just barley touching. Feeling his arm brush against mine sent sparks through me.

“How worried should I be?” I asked him, trying to remain as light as possible.

He sighed and shuffled in his seat. “I wish I could tell you not at all, but...”

He trailed off so I finished his sentence for him, “But it’s your mom.”

Eddie nodded. “But it’s my mom.”

One of his arms was around my waist. I hadn’t realized that the skirt of my dress had hiked up a little until the hand around my waist started to play with the hem, his fingertips brushing against my ass. His other hand touched my leg, starting lightly on my knee and then slowly travelling up my thigh till it stopped on my inner thigh. I shivered, wanting him to go further.

Most people who knew him would never believe that Eddie Kaspbrak, the hypochondriac, fast talking, former sheltered mama’s boy, would be absolutely mind blowing in bed, and constantly handsy whenever we were alone. I hadn’t even believed it until we got together, but man, Eddie knew how to make me feel absolutely amazing.

He leaned forward to kiss my neck, his fingers tracing circles in my inner thigh. I was shivering with anticipation and whimpers were escaping my lips. I could feel Eddie’s amused smirk against my neck as he placed another kiss there and lifted his head to look at me. He kissed my lips and his hand finally made its way further up my skirt.

Our moment was interrupted by the sound of a car door slamming. I practically jumped to the other side of the couch, touching my neck in hopes that he hadn’t accidentally left hickies there.

“You’re good,” he said, understanding what I had been doing.

The front door opened and I suddenly felt paralyzed. I wasn’t sure if I should stand up or stay sat down, if I should move even further away from Eddie or stay exactly where I was. In the end, I stayed frozen like a deer in headlights as his mom rounded the corner, arms full of grocery bags.

“Oh,” she said when her eyes landed on me. “Is this...her?”

There was a slight leer to the way she said “her”, which made me want to squirm under her intense gaze.

“Mom,” Eddie said, a partial warning tone in his voice, “this is (Y/N), my girlfriend.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Kaspbrak,” I said. “Do you, um, need any help with - ”

“No,” she cut me off. “I have it. You’re early.”

“I told her this is when to get here,” Eddie defended. “You wouldn’t tell me exactly when to invite her over.”

“Well, this is hardly dinner time,” his mother huffed. “It’ll take me a while to get dinner ready.”

“I can help,” I offered again.

“No,” she said, sharply, which told me that was the end of the matter.

I shrunk down in my spot on the couch.

“Mom,” Eddie snapped again.

She glared at me before turning to her son, trying to soften her expression for him. “I’ll let you know when the food is ready. For now...stay here.”

When she disappeared into the kitchen, Eddie immediately moved to sit next to me and took my hand in his.

“I’m okay,” I assured him. “I’ll get through it. It’s just dinner then we’re done, right?”

He nodded, but I could see the worry on his face still.

A while later, Ms. Kaspbrak called to tell us dinner was ready. She had made sure to place everything so that Eddie and I were sat at the heads of the table, far apart from one another, while she was sat between us. Eddie and I shared a look before sitting in our designated spots.

Dinner started with awkward silence besides our cutlery against the plates. I tried to keep my attention on my plate, but every so often I’d glance up at the Kaspbraks to see Eddie nervously glancing between me and his mother, and his mom just glaring daggers at me. The nervousness I was feeling took away my appetite, but I felt like I had to eat everything to make a good impression, if that was even possible.

“So,” Ms. Kaspbrak said, drawing our attention to her, “(Y/N). Your parents are (Y/P/N), right?”

She already knew the answer to this question. I had grown up in Derry, where everyone knew everyone. There was a reason she was asking, and I had a feeling I already knew what that reason was.

“They are, yeah,” I responded.

“And they’re divorced, aren’t they?”

“Mom!” Eddie groaned.

“It’s just a question, Eddie,” his mom said.

“It’s okay,” I said with a shrug. “I don’t mind talking about it. That’s kind of old news anyways. They divorced when I was 10, dad moved to the next town over and mom got full custody of me.”

“That doesn’t seem like a very stable upbringing,” Ms. Kaspbrak commented. “I’m sure it’s taken such a toll on you, you must’ve decided to rebel somehow.”

Eddie put his face in his hands, officially admitting defeat on trying to stop his mother.

“Actually it wasn’t anything like that,” I said. “Mom and dad stayed pretty civil. There wasn’t any big fight or anything, just an agreement that they’re better off not being married. When dad moved he made sure to stay in constant contact, and comes to visit all the time or I’d go to visit him. Mom always made sure I had a roof over my head and food on the table. They both love me unconditionally, even if they’re not together.”

Ms. Kaspbrak sat back in her seat, a sour look on her face. “Well...regardless, it’s just not right to be raised by a single mother.”

Feeling a bit brave, I raised an eyebrow at her. “Eddie was raised by a single mother.”

“That’s different. My husband died, he didn’t decide to abandon me and Eddie.”

“My dad didn’t abandon us, he’s still very much a part of our lives.”

She ignored me and continued to eat. I looked across the table at Eddie to see him avoiding all eye contact with either of us as he pushed his food around on his plate. As if feeling my gaze, he looked up at me. I gave him a small smile to try and indicate that I wasn’t upset with him. I wanted him to know everything was going to be okay, even if I didn’t fully believe it myself.

“How many boys have you had sex with, (Y/N)?”

The question caught me off guard and I nearly choked on the food I had just put in my mouth.

“Jesus Christ, mom!” Eddie snapped.

“Don’t take the Lord’s name in vein, Edward,” his mother chastised him.

“You can’t just ask something like that, mom, that’s none of your business.”

“Of course it’s my business. I need to make sure my son isn’t dating a slut. I remember you were friends with Beverly March before she moved away, and trust me, I heard all sorts of stories about her. Anyone who would hang around with her must be somewhat similar.”

The mention of the untrue bullshit that used to be spread about Bev made the anger within me bubble over. I was seeing red as I looked up at Ms. Kaspbrak, and I was ready to pounce.

“Actually, your son took my virginity, and I took his,” I told her. “And we have sex quite a lot, sometimes upstairs in his bedroom when you’re not home. Although, for someone who says he was a virgin I don’t know how much I believe it. Eddie has done things that I don’t even think the most experienced of people could do.”

If he was upset with me for saying all of this, Eddie’s face didn’t show it. He was sipping on his water, trying to hide the smug smile that broke out across his face.

Ms. Kaspbrak’s face turned blood red before she rose from the table. “Get the fuck out of my house!”

“Gladly,” I said, abandoning my dinner to quickly leave the shitty situation.

“And don’t you dare come anywhere near my son again, or else I will have the cops on you!” she threatened.

I stopped and turned back to face her. “For what? For dating your son? For showing him that there’s someone who actually cares about him without manipulating him? For finally cutting the cord that you’ve had wrapped around his neck since he was born? Ms. Kaspbrak, I understand that you’re afraid to lose your son the way you lost your husband, but being a manipulative bitch who forced him to think he had illnesses he didn’t have for years and insulting his girlfriend in front of him is not the way to keep him around. Eddie is 18 years old, he’s an adult. He can do whatever he wants, which includes dating whoever he wants and leaving this hell hole that you have the audacity to call a home. The day that you finally accept that just might be the day that Eddie finally considers you to be an actual mother.”

And with that, I decided not to overstay my welcome and left.

I was only a few feet away from Eddie’s house when I heard him calling after me. I slowed my pace just enough that he could catch up with me, but didn’t completely stop. I wanted to put as much distance between myself and the Kaspbrak house as I could.

“I’m sorry,” I sighed as he fell in step next to me.

“For what?” Eddie asked. “I should be the one apologizing to you.”

“You warned me on how she would be, and I still let her get to me,” I said. “I probably made having to live there a whole lot harder.”

“It was hard to begin with, (Y/N). Nothing could make it harder than what it was,” he told me. “What you said, it was all true. Mom needed to hear that. Doesn’t mean she liked hearing it, or that she’ll actually accept it, but she needed to hear it none the less.”

“I guess I could’ve said it nicer,” I said. “Or at least not included details of our sex life.”

Eddie awkwardly chuckled. “Yeah, could’ve done without mom knowing I’m a sex god.”

I gave him a look and playfully nudged him. “I never said you were a sex god.”

“Eddie has done things that I don’t even think the most experienced of people could do I believe were your exact words.”

“I only said that to make her more upset.”

“So you’re saying I’m bad at sex?”

I pushed him again. “Eddie!”

He laughed and put an arm around my waist. “I appreciate the compliment either way. And I hope you know how much I love you.”

I smiled up at him and leaned into his touch. “I love you, too.”

We walked in silence for a while and, before I knew it, we were at my house. We stopped and turned to face each other.

“Want to stay over tonight?” I asked. “I figure going home isn’t exactly the best option right now.”

“It’s not,” he agreed. “Will your mom be okay with it?”

“Of course she will, she loves you. She’ll probably even cover for you if your mom calls.”

“I take it back, I don’t love you. I love your mom.”

“And I take back my offer. Go sleep on the streets.”

I took off for my front door with Eddie hot on my trail. I tried to open it and lock him out before he caught up to me, but of course his long legs gave him an advantage. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me away from the door, both of our laughs ringing out through the otherwise quiet neighborhood.

#eddie kaspbrak #eddie kaspbrak imagine #eddie kaspbrak x reader #james ransone #james ransone imagine #james ransone x reader #teen!eddie kaspbrak #it chapter two #imagine #one shot #requests #fanfiction #fanfic #fandom

[supercorpkid]

Rager Teenager.

Supercorp, Kara Danvers x Daughter!Reader, Lena Luthor x Daughter!Reader, Alex Danvers x Niece!Reader, Kelly Olsen x Niece!Reader

Word Count: 2900.

Alex doesn’t even look shocked when she sees you landing in her backyard, dropping a bag of clothes loudly on the ground.

“Hey.” You greet her with a smile, looking at her standing in the doorway with a glass of wine in her hands.

“Running away, kiddo?” She points at the bag, but she means it like a joke. Let’s just say you were quite generous with the amount of clothes you packed. You could be leaving the house for a month, for what it’s worth. Yet, no one would actually think that you are running away from home.

“Yep.” You shrug it off. Her eyebrows are pinched together immediately. “Can I stay?”

Alex moves away from the door, giving you space to walk in. “Should I call your moms to let them know or-?”

“Nah, they’re aware.” You pick up your bag and make your way inside, passing her on the way in. “Hi, aunt Kelly. Where’s Jamie?”

“Oh, hi.” Kelly smiles at you from her wine glass. She then acknowledges the bag, pointing at it with her face. “Is that some big creation or something fun for you two to do?”

“Actually, just my clothes. I’m moving in.” You smile making your way to the stairs. “Indefinitely.”

“Oh. Sounds fun.” Kelly gives you two thumbs up, not looking as amused as she made it sound. “Your cousin is upstairs.”

“Cool. Thanks for letting me stay.” You say, making your way to Jamie’s bedroom to surprise her.

You are aware they didn’t exactly let you stay. Especially not ‘indefinitely’. But you know they would never say no to you, just like your moms would never say no to Jamie if she wanted to stay at your house. You also know that Alex is probably calling Kara right now, and that at some point tonight Kelly will try to assess how you’re feeling, claiming this is an open safe space.

It’s annoying that they’ll treat you like you’re the one that needs to talk about your feelings and understand them. You do understand what you’re feeling. You’re feeling like they think you should be ok with the fact that you don’t need their attention anymore. And of course you don’t need it. But you want it.

Your moms have always been your best friend. You tell them everything and you like that. You like the fact that you don’t have to be rebellious to get their attention, because you are the most important person in their lives, and you liked that feeling.

But well, now things are different. Maybe you need to change a little. Make a little trouble. Be a rebel rascal. A wild child. A rager teenager.

“Hey!” You drop your bag in a loud thud on the floor, making Jamie look up from her phone.

“I see you finally brought back all the things you borrowed from me.” She points at the bag with her eyes, and you roll yours in response.

“You wish.” You throw yourself on her bed, in front of her. “I’m actually moving in.”

“You don’t say.” She throws her phone to the side, looking at you with curiosity in her eyes. “Well, go on. Let’s hear it.”

You tell her everything and Jamie looks amused that the first time you’re throwing a tantrum is over something so dumb as not getting their attention. Says the girl who doesn’t pick up her phone at eight -not even in a life-threatening situation- because that’s her catch up time with her moms.

“So your big rebellious act is coming to my house?” You nod. “I would’ve thought staying with, I don’t know, Lillian Luthor would be far more dramatic.”

“Should I?” You ask out loud, but you’re actually talking to yourself. “No, right? No. That’s insane.” Is it? Yes, yes it is. “But I do have another rebellious idea in my baggage.”

Jamie zeroes in the bag you brought in. Sure the bag is big, but it doesn’t fit what you’re thinking.

“Not my actual bag.” You roll your eyes. “I meant my emotional baggage.”

“Oh, that’s a lot bigger than that one.” She agrees with her head, making her point. You look at the enormous bag on the floor of her bedroom.

“No, it’s not.”

“Hey, remember that time you almost died?”

“Which one?” You ask and she gives you a satisfied grin, like she is saying ‘touché’. Yeah, you guess she has a point.

“ANYWAYS!” You say, trying to ignore her. “Movies!”

See, it was kind of obvious that you wouldn’t be good at being rebellious. You never had to do this before. You’ve only seen it in movies. Ok, so let’s try what movies did. In Harry Potter, Hermione's big rebellious act was erasing her parents' mind. Huh. That you have the means to do. But no, that’s insane. Right? Right! Making your moms forget you is insane! Maybe you should think of rom-coms or teen movies. Hm, in ‘Mean Girls’ Cady throws a party when they’re parents aren’t in the house and dresses slutty or whatever. You can’t pull any of this off. Who would come to your party? How would you kick your moms out of the house? And you would rather die than dress slutty.

“Movies.” Jamie repeats, incredulous. “You know, for a genius you really lack basic information at times.” She says making you gruff. “You want to be rebellious? Steal Lena’s BMW, sneak out, go to a party, get drunk-”

“I can’t exactly get drunk unless it is alien alcohol.” You add.

“Steal alien alcohol.” She adds to the list, a little disgruntled that you made her lose her train of thought. “Make me go with you.”

“You’re literally giving me the idea.”

“Hmm, yes. Because I’m dying to go to this party Maya told me about, but I need plausible deniability. As in-”

“If your moms ask, it was all my fault?” You ask with an eyebrow raise and she agrees with her head. “Ok, fine. I’ll take the blame. But I think we can be more rebellious than that.” You give her a wicked smile. “Can you imagine how crazy it would be if-” You take off your glasses. “She went to a party?”

“WHAT!” Jamie sits straighter in bed looking equally terrified and excited. “No! You can’t have Superkid go to a party! She is a SUPER! Kara would absolutely kill you.”

“What’s the point of only pissing off Lena? I do that way too much already.” You throw yourself back in bed, thinking about it. “Besides, no one wants a Luthor in their party. Now, who’s going to say no to Superkid?”

“Ok, wait a minute. I-I-” You can tell you have made Jamie really confused when you leave her speechless. “Superkid doesn’t even exist anymore, and you want to bring her back just so you can go to a party?”

“Superkid doesn’t-'' You laugh, then furrow your brows. Holy shit, people still think you’re not supering anymore. “Oh, yeah, about that. I’ve been supering in secret ever since I came back from that other reality.”

“You-” Jamie’s mouth comically open wide like a cartoon character. “But-You-And then-I don’t get it.”

“See? That’s why I’ve been doing it in secret.”

Because how do you do it? How do you go back to being a superhero when you made such a big deal about not ever wanting to be a superhero ever again in your life? How do you unsay it?

Should you just come back home and be like ‘oh yeah, by the way, Superkid exists again, and you have to go back to worrying about me, Lena. And yes, Kara, you might have to go to outer space save me again a couple of times. No biggy. Good night!’

So you don't, right? You sneak in in secret instead. Pray you don't die on the job. Pray they don't find out. And mostly, you pray that you're doing the correct thing, because it's the righteous thing to do and not because you selfishly want that powerful feeling you had before.

“So for weeks you’ve been going around National City saving people and no one knew?” You nod. She needs to make sure. Jamie slaps your arm like you could feel pain. “You didn’t even tell me?”

“I’m telling you right now. Before anyone else.” She still rolls her eyes at you. “Come on, it’s a great way for Superkid to do her comeback. At a party, dancing with stupid teens.” Jamie looks unconvinced. “We can still take Lena’s car.”

“Why would we need it? You can just fly us there.”

“Yeah, I know. But it will piss off Lena.” You give her another wicked grin. “I’ll let you drive.”

“Yeah, ok, cool.”

Simple as that.

So it’s Friday night, Jamie agrees she will go to the party with Maya, and you told your girlfriend you were grounded. Yes, it’s a lie. But barely. You’re sure you’ll be grounded right after this, anyways.

It’s before midnight when both of your aunts say goodnight and go to bed. Kelly makes sure she schedules a ‘talking about your feelings’ session right on Saturday morning with you, before she leaves, though. Ugh, this won’t be fun.

You give them some time, then use your super hearing to make sure they are asleep, before you fly out the window and look for Lena. Like you suspected it’s Friday night and she’s made it back to L Corp, after you left home. Rao, you’re so mad.

You fly home and check for Kara’s presence. All clear. Must be tailing Arnold McKenan or running away from her problems. For someone so brave, you can’t believe how much of a coward she is when it comes to Lena. Rao, you’re raging.

You grab Lena’s car keys, your supersuit in their closet, and then pick the car up and drop off in front of Jamie. You love Jamie, and you know she drives better than you do, but still you fly behind her car the entire time to make sure she is safe. Damn the car, if it was for you, you would toss it in the ocean, it’s Jamie you care about.

“Holy!” Maya says, when she slides in the car. “That’s-wow! Did you steal this?”

“For sure.” Jamie smiles and drives off, leaving nothing but tire marks behind.

“Is that why Superkid is following us?” Maya asks, and you smile to yourself.

“Nah. She was saving a kitten and I asked if she wanted to come to a party. Now, she’s following the car.”

“WHAT!” Maya yells, sounding excited. “You’re joking! We’re going to a party with Superkid?” She gets nothing but a nod. “Holy fucking shit! I can’t believe my girlfriend won’t be there. Maybe we could convince her to sneak out?”

“Please. Do you even know your girlfriend?” You hear Jamie’s response. “She would never.” You scoff. “Besides, I don’t want to be third-wheeling all night. You guys are awfully handsy.”

“Yeah, well. She’s hot.” Maya says, making you smile even more. “Here. We’re here.” And so Jamie parks.

“Hi!” You open the car’s door to Maya, giving you her hand so she can exit the car. “I’m Superkid.”

“Of course you are.” She manages to say, looking red as a tomato.

“Your friend Jamie said it was ok if I came. I hope I’m not intruding on anything.”

“NO! No! Not at all. You’re more than welcomed. I mean, it’s not my party, but I’m guessing you will be more than welcome. I mean, who wouldn’t want Superkid in their party, right? So yeah you’re welcome! Anyways, you cool? I’m cool.” She rambles, making you and Jamie share a look. “Oof, I’m sweating.”

“Don’t be nervous.” You put your hand on her shoulder for a light squeeze. “I’m just a normal teen.”

She wheezes out a laugh. “I don’t know about normal.”

“More than you think. Shall we?” You point inside the house, and she agrees with her head. They fall a little behind you, and you can hear Maya whispering.

“Doesn’t she look awfully familiar?”

“Haven’t you met her before a few times?” Jamie saves you and you smile when Maya agrees, and lets it go.

Let’s just say going to a party as Superkid is on the top of the best ideas you’ve ever had. Superkid is a big hit. There’s even a line so people can take pictures with you. And they all love you. You’ve never felt so loved in your life. This was exactly what you needed.

It sucks that alcohol does literally nothing to you, but you still enjoy watching Jamie and Maya getting louder and flushed and talking nonsense to you all night. So this is what it's like to be a normal teenage girl? You’ll take it.

It is also very exciting that Maya can’t ever stop bringing your name up. The real you. Not Superkid. Not you in this shiny suit. The nerdy you that is apparently home, texting her so she can enjoy the party.

The night goes on and you don’t think once about Lena in her stupid office, doing her dreary paperwork, acting like that fucking company is more important than your family’s existence. You also don’t think about Kara in that stupid DEO, doing her dreary patrol, acting like the fucking world is more important than your family’s wellbeing. Or maybe you thought about it once or twice. But not as much as you would if you were home alone waiting for them. But hey, you shouldn’t be thinking about them! They sure as hell aren’t thinking about you right now.

“Shit, shit, shit.” Jamie says looking at her phone. “It’s mami! She probably noticed I’m not in my bedroom.”

“It’s ok. Let me see that.” You grab her phone. “I’ll take this up in the sky, so she doesn’t hear all the noise.”

“You’re going to answer her phone?” Maya asks, and you realize that it doesn’t make a lot of sense for you to be answering the phone of some girl you just met. Damn! Maya still makes sense even with all the alcohol.

“Oh. Um. I’m really good at impressions!” You say with a smile. But you can’t actually impersonate Jamie. You put both hands on your waist and look up. “Hope, help, and compassion for all.” Then you smile. “That was Supergirl.”

“It was perfect.” She says, and now the alcohol is probably doing the effect again.

“Ok! Gotta go!” You fly up and notice that a bunch camera flashes follow you. Feels good to be loved. “Heeeey auntie.”

“Where the hell are the two of you?” Kelly yells through her phone and you actually have to take it off your ear, because it’s too loud.

“Oh!” Think of something, come on. “We’re at-at the Fortress. I brought Jamie to help me look for this thing-”

“And none of you thought it was a good idea to let us know that? We were here thinking she was kidnapped!”

“By whom?”

“Well, I don’t know. It’s a new threat every day in this town! A few weeks ago you literally vanished from your bedroom one night!” Oh, that. What a cool funny story, that no one thinks is cool nor fun, except you. Kelly exhales. “Why didn’t she pick up the phone herself?”

“Oh! I think she got lost in one of the rooms.” You hate that you’re lying so much. You never once lied to Kelly before. What if she just knows? “Don’t worry, auntie. We’re safe, and will be back home in bed soon, ok? Go to bed, everything is ok. Goodnight!”

You hang up before she answers. Way to be suspicious. You come back to the party and see Jamie hyperventilating afraid of the conversation you just had.

“We should go.”

“Relax, I handled it.” You pick up another jello shot, putting on Jamie’s hand. “Chill, I’ve got this. No one will ever know.”

And when you make it back home and park Lena’s car exactly like it was parked -in all honesty Jamie couldn’t parallel park so you picked it up and put it in its place-, you think no one will ever know. And when you and Jamie sneak in her bedroom and go straight to bed, and none of her moms wake up, you are sure no one will ever know.

Wouldn’t it be nice if that was actually the case? But when you wake up the next morning… Oh, crap. Oh, shit. Oh, no. What are Kara and Lena doing here?

#supergirl #kara danvers #supercorp #supercorpfamily #lena luthor #supercorp daughter #kara x lena #kara x reader #supercorp fanfic #lena x reader #alex danvers #kelly olsen

[alreadyblondenow]

I loved you first, but you’re not the last

“....You’re special so it requires extra effort. Happy Valentines and happy first day of being a couple,”

Pairing: Mark Lee x female!reader

Genre: Angst, SMUT, fluff, childhood best friends to lovers

WC: 4,588k

Warnings: Fake dating, break up,swearing, mentions or other idol, reader x Taeyong in the end, Taeyong as Mark’s brother, unprotected sex, virginity loss, a lot of making out, mentions of making out, touching, a small amount of dirty talking, oral sex (female receiving), overstimulation

A/N: NOT PROOFREAD. I’ll fix it once I get my internet connection back. Gosh I hope this posts. Part of Request Party

It was in the middle of the night when you received a call that did not just woke you up, but also woke your whole being. Body, mind and soul.

“You’re back?” crankily you sat up from bed, scratching your heavy eyes and about to get out of bed because the person on the other line is right outside your house, waiting for you.

He has been away and gone for too long because of college... and you should be excited as you go downstairs to meet him, but you know why he’s here and it’s no good news. Let’s face it, this night will not end nice.

“Here goes nothing,” you murmured. Wrapping yourself with your thick jacket before you finally step outside.

And the moment you opened the door, snow was falling and you didn’t miss how the snow landed peacefully on Mark’s eyelashes. Eyes looking straight to you, those sad eyes that can’t hide the pain that he’s holding. A pain that you caused.

You wanted to finally reunite first with a hug, but he got ahead of you and took your chance to show him how much you missed him.

“How could you?” he started, eyes still locked on yours. “I thought we were going to wait and do it right- how could you date my brother while I was away?”

Even you find it cruel. What you did to Mark was cruel, selfish, and unforgivable. And truth be told, you don’t have the right words now. You wanted to explain of course, but you’re scared it might break him even more. “I love your brother,” you said softly. Not even brave enough to look him in the eye because you feel bad.

“You loved me first,” he bite back. And you can’t help but be weak in front of him and cry. Usually whenever you cry, he will walk towards you and remind you how much you mean to him. But you guess not tonight, maybe you don’t deserve love tonight.

“You left me, remember?” you dried your tears and tried being brave even just for a short period. Just until you have the guts to walk away.

“Whatever. It’s not yet too late. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy,”

He finally said his true purpose tonight. This was his last chance and the only to win you back. But even though he has never been more honest in his whole life except tonight, he feels like not even telling you his feelings can bring you back to him. Mark was so frustrated that he has tears in his eyes already that you wanted to dry so bad. But if you really want him to respect the relationship you have with his brother, then this is the perfect time.

“I may have loved you first, but your brother is the last man I’ll love. I’m sorry Mark,”

And just as you finish saying those hurtful words, you finally have the bravery to turn your back on him and ignore his shouting that you’re sure your parents and neighbors heard. This is you throwing a decade of good friendship because of unrequited love.

FOUR YEARS AGO

The day before Valentines day, you don’t know what’s up with your mood or with you in general, because you’ve been so envy with the people around you, couples to be exact. As you admire happy couples in school who celebrates Valentines as early as now, you can’t help but to imagine someone.... someone that will give you flowers, chocolates... kisses, or whatever you’ll accept in whole heartedly.

Valentines is like Christmas, it’s a day of giving and receiving. But that only applies if you have someone special whom you can spend the day with and exchange shiny, glittery, and sparkling Valentine cards with.

“I can be your fake boyfriend, come on it will be fun,” he raises his seagull eyebrows and smirked. Come to think of it, it’s not a bad idea. You’ve been best friends even before kindergarten, you watch each other grow and went through puberty together until the next thing you know, you’re printing college applications together in your room because his printer broke down.

“Let’s not go to college without having the experience of high school love... you know, let’s have fun before we graduate with flying colors. Let’s go to parties, participate in Valentine-gram tomorrow, go to prom together. What do you say?” he added.

“But everything’s fake? What’s the point of fake dating if we already look like were dating ever since we started being friends?” You whine and flop on your bed, Mark did the same thing.

“Don’t think about it too much, just say yes,” for a moment you both just stared at the ceiling, wondering what could go wrong if you started fake dating. “Anyway, you don’t have a choice. I need to get home and answer these- Bye, you’re my girlfriend now!”

“W-what? Mark-“

And just before you could reason out with him, he’s gone with his college applications and you’re left with your thoughts and excitement. You don’t know why but Mark’s crazy idea made your heart jump, it’s like a good electricity that made you look for your art materials and spend the whole evening making your fake boyfriend a blue shiny, glittery, and sparkling Valentine card.

Even if the motive was fake, the effort was real and it felt good and right at that very moment.

But little did you know that his idea of fake dating was only his way to not shock you when he finally confess his feelings to you.

That’s right, your best friend is in love with you.

If she wears blue tomorrow I will confess to her. He tells himself as he stares in his ceiling, feeling the same excitement and electricity in his heart. Trying so hard to sleep but he kept on thinking about you and can’t help but feel the excitement for tomorrow again.

“You and Y/n started dating? Since when?” Mark’s mother exclaimed happily while driving. Looking at his son admire the roses he got you from the flower shop downtown.

“We’re just starting mom. Thanks for helping me pick these up by the way,”

“Oh there she is! Wearing blue! Oh I never realized how you two grew such good looking kids until now,”

Mark breathed in and let it out with a smile, thankful that you wore his favorite color, because he can’t continue to hide his feelings for you. Maybe you and him are really bound to happen.

As you wave goodbye to Mrs. Lee with a bright smile, there you see Mark carrying a unique bouquet of roses and your eyes immediately went big and sparkled because. Not to mention your heart beats so hard and fast because he looked so handsome even in his casual clothes.

“Wow- I’m speechless, these are beautiful. Where did you get these?” you accept the bouquet as he hands it to you with a smile. Engraving the look of your face in his mind and heart, swearing to himself that from now on he will make you happy like this everyday.

“It’s a secret. You’re special so it requires extra effort. Happy Valentines and happy first day of being a couple,” he said and planted a kiss on your forehead. Something so natural for you and him, but today is different. Nonetheless, you believe that today will be a beautiful and eventful day.

In the see of people wearing red and white in your school’s hallway, you and Mark are happy wearing blue. Such a sad color but you wearing it makes him the happiest guy today. Everywhere you look has a dash of red and pink, hearts are hanged here and there and almost everyone has red roses on their hand... except you.

Because you’re holding a bouquet of rainbow roses.

This year’s Valentines wasn’t like any other Valentine’s you usually have. Today you have Mark.

You have Mark to hold your hand while you walk on the school’s hallway. You have Mark to look at you so lovingly that your heart melts whenever you catch him looking. You have Mark to take you out on a date after school and take cute photos in a photo booth. You have Mark to share a big drink with two straws.

And most especially, you have Mark to kiss you under the dark sky full of stars in front of your house.

His lips were soft as expected. And the way his tongue swipes on your lip in the most subtle way just makes you want him to kiss more. He smiled in between kissing when you pulled him closer and kiss him more when he was about to pull away. And oh! You did not miss the way he softly moans, such music to your ears but sad to say you can only hear them tonight.

“Did you liked my Valentine card? I left it in your locker,”

You finally pulled away and surprised him. Wiping away the spit from your mouth, you wiped Mark’s as well. He only smiled to you and you wish he would stop doing it because you’re growing a little crush on him already.

“It’s full of glitters, it’s blue and it has watermelons. Of course I love it” he said then did it again, melted your heart with that damn handsome smile.

“Good,” you said softly, fixing his hoodie and finally giving him a bear hug that he deserves. “I don’t want this night to end,” you finally admitted it.

“Then let’s not end it,”

“Wait, you’re not faking anymore aren’t you-“

And just like that Mark cut you off with a deep kiss. Nothing like how he kissed you earlier. This time he was holding you tight that you’re almost out if breath and you feel like he’s about to crush you anytime. But the way he kissed you... it’s his way of confessing his love to you.

On the following days, everything changed between you and Mark. Though it’s clear that what you feel for him is only just a crush now and he knows it, still the guy is hopeful that you will love him like how he loves you.

Mark is the perfect definition of consistent. He showed you how he feels for you each day, and each day he became better than the day before, sweeter and bolder. He was putting everything on the line for you, showering you the love he has always kept in him. That’s why, in a matter of months you finally made it official with him and you can’t wait what the future has in store for the both of you.

“What do you love about me?” you asked out of nowhere while he was in the middle of playing his guitar. It wasn’t a hard question, but it made him stop and think for a second.

“I love how you give me constant reasons to love you even more each day,” the first line was enough, but Mark has more to say. “The way you kiss my cheek in the most friendly way but it always meant something to me, how you accepted me to be your friend and now boyfriend. I love how you love me, because being loved back by you is something so special that only us can understand”

What he said moved you of course. You didn’t know that he loves you deeply even before you started the fake dating thing. And knowing that Mark is just crazy and madly in love with you, you can’t help but wish that you are too. For now all you can do is accept his love, and give back however you can. You love him of course, but you can’t keep up with his love yet.

Days passed by and your relationship grew sweeter. More sweet words were exchanged and more kisses were given. Way more. Until you find yourselves making out whenever you two are alone.

“Aw!” you express your pain when Mark accidentally bit your lip. Something so sexy but it hurt and it made you both stop what you’re doing.

“Oops. Sorry, I got carried away” he says and took a look at your lips. “You’re fine right?”

“Mhmm” You answered, but just before he was about to start kissing you again, you stopped him by pulling away. “And it’s getting late, I think you should go home,”

“But I want to stay for more,” he said with a sly smile. Caressing your shoulders and soothing your back. If course you did not miss what he was talking about for more. You and Mark are young, and being new to this relationship thing just makes you both want to explore and feed each other’s curiosity.

“When I’m ready. I promise it will be worth the wait, for now it’s getting late and you need to go home... And work with some homework,” you gave him a final kiss and thankfully he did not pry.

The relationship you have with Mark was nothing like the friendship you used to have. The friendship was still there, of course, but friends don’t kiss your neck while you’re busy reading a book or slam you to the nearest wall and kiss you wildly. Friends don’t taste your favorite ice cream flavor through your tongue in the middle of a Netflix movie, and friends don’t get affected when they see you in your thin shirt and panties only whenever they give you a surprise visit.

“It’s the weekend, why are you here?” You whine as you try to go back to sleep. Clinging to your pillow and thick blanket but your boyfriend is currently losing his mind. Nonetheless, he remained a gentleman and covered your exposed leg and butt, covering you completely and keeping you warm. “Come to bed with me. Cuddle with me instead”

The young man’s eyes brightened and quickly joined you in bed. Swinging his arm around your waist from behind and nuzzling your neck to tickle you.

“I got into my dream college,” he whispered excitedly beside your ears which made you quickly turn to him and hug him.

“That’s why you’re here! Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realized” you planted kisses on his cheek the ones he loved receiving other than your slow and deep ones. “You used to talk about this ever since we were just kids. Ugh, I’m so proud of you”

“Promise to support me no matter what?” This time it’s him who went closer and planted kisses on your face. Of course you said yes, it has been his dream, but now that you knew you’ll miss him everyday and you know that the image of him walking away from you at the airport will truly hurt you, so you can’t help but fake it.

You rolled on top of him and his eyes immediately went big, wondering why and how are you like this. You have never been this bold and confident even in your wildest times, it’s like he’s seeing a totally different side of you and he loves it.

“Want to claim your early graduation gift?” you completely surprised him and started kissing his neck, while Mark is actually enjoying the moment by caressing your ass cheeks and teasing you by tugging your panties. You wish you have the same level of confidence with Mark, because you well know that between the two of you he is the one experienced with sexual activities, so now you try your best.

“Mmm” a loud pop surrounds your room as Mark sucks your nipples through your thin shirt. Taking turns with your left boob and right boob until your shirt is partly wet because of him and he can finally see your nipples. The sight of it gave him the feeling like no other. Of course this is not his first time seeing boobs, but this is different because it’s you.

The mere sight of your boobs just made him lose his mind and not to mention hard in no time. You watch him roll his head back while you slowly grind of top of him with a ruined shirt, looking so hot than ever so he quickly switched places with you. Putting you underneath him, looking down on you with hungry and lustful eyes.

“Do you wanna touch my boobs?” You asked him so innocently,reaching for his hand that’s placed on your waist. You put your hand and his hand inside your shirt, slowly lifting the wet shirt just above your chest to expose your boobs to him.

“I wish you were my first,” he said and immediately kissing your right boob while his hand kneads the other, pinching you or teasing you, or whatever he just wanted to hear something from you. And when he stopped making your nipples swollen, Mark just kept on kissing you softly and saying ‘i love yous’ over and over again. making you smile through his lips and soft touches, it is as if he’s taking away all your shyness and making you comfortable with the situation. The situation where your boobs are expose to him, your legs spread wide and Mark is in between your legs, grinding his clothed cock on your ruined and wet panties.

You were just kissing passionately but now you felt his hands hooked on your panties and the next thing you know he’s pulling it down without breaking the kiss until it reaches your thigh and eventually remove it but the shyness crept in again, making you close your legs and bite your lips in hesitation.

“Can I? Open your legs?” He asks, kissing your neck and calming you through the way he kisses you and touch you. And when he felt that you’re ready, he tried opening your legs again and this time you let him. Letting him place his body in between your legs, smiling through the kiss as if he’s telling you ‘good job’.

Mark spread kisses around your body, kissing every inch of your being, earning a giggle from you and with that he’s happy you’re not nervous anymore.

And when Mark pull away to discard his clothes, and release his cock, you were speechless when you saw it that you removed your own ruined shirt just to be fair ask him to get back in between your legs this instant.

“Lets do this right,” he said and immediately placed a finger on your wet slit that took your breath away. Up and down, you feel his finger nothing else, and when the moment comes and Mark put a finger in, your hand reached for his hand and tried to stop him because the pleasure was too much. But your handsome boyfriend was just smiling at you, smirking because you looked so ruined right now all you can do is smile back at him. And when he insert two fingers, he kissed you deeply and caught every moan you let out, every cry of his name, every groan, or whine.

And the next thing you know you’re closing your legs as you shiver and curl your body. Trying to get away from Mark because you’re sensitive already but your boyfriend is not stopping.

“First of many,” he says and stopped to pull out his fingers. But he is not yet done. He only gave you a few seconds to catch your breath and went back kneeling in between your legs again.

“Are you going to fuck me now?” you asked with ragged breaths and tired expression.

Mark did not answer you verbally, but he did physically. Licking your pussy juices and spreading your pussy lips while his eyes are completely locked on yours.

You said ‘no’, but you didn’t mean it and the moment his tongue swipes on your cunt you grabbed hold on your headboard and hold on for your dear life. Clenching and unclenching as Mark eats you out, trying so hard to close your legs but you can’t until your second orgasm drowned you quickly and all you can do is breathe in and out heavily.

“I hate you” you said but you’re clinging to Mark and sharing your warmth to him.

“I love you,” he said and intertwined his fingers with his, kissing your knuckles before he place both your hands above your head. You voluntarily spread your legs wider for him, and with his free hand he lines his cock finally.

“I didn’t know you’re big,”

What you said made him smirk and proved your discovery even more by pulling out entirely and slamming his cock back in your wet hole. “Now you know,” he said small grunts and went in deeper. He knew what he’s doing to you is too much pleasure because it’s your first time and also he can tell by the way you hold on to his hand.

“Planning to crush my hand?” he let out a cut giggle like he isn’t fucking you deep right now. How can he do that? Be insanely cute while doing something filthy to you.

“Y/n, I’m close can I go faster?” and you can only nod.

Fucking you faster and harder than earlier, you watch Mark become someone sinful when he started focusing on his own release, kissing your boobs while he fucks you, give your ass a tight squeeze, lick your neck like you’re a fucking ice cream and whisper dirty words or word that make you shy that you didn’t know you would love hearing. Like,

“Let me fuck you again,”

“You like it deep huh?”

“Y/n, you’re worth wait, you’re mine forever”

“This is the last pussy I’ll fuck,”

And in the end he pulled out and jerked in front of you, letting his cum fall on your lower abdomen and watch his cum drip to your sheets. It’s a shame that he can’t cum inside you, it would have felt great.

“Fucking shit- that sex was great,”

He rests his head on top of your boobs, but went back to kissing you again on the lips. Apologizing for his mess, aplogizing for his words and saying ‘i love you’ over and over again.

That morning, you stayed naked with Mark in bed for a few hours just talking and laughing, flirting and kissing. It felt great having a huge progress with your relationship, especially that it’s Mark who took your virginity.

“Hey, you okay?” he was talking about your pussy because even though he didn’t went hard earlier, he did fucked you a little bit harder knowing that it’s your first time. “I meant what I said earlier. Please be my last, I don’t want to give my love to anyone but you. It’s too early to talk about marriage but, I know it’s you. I’ll love you better each day, I promise”

Comfort, warmth and safety. That’s what you felt hearing those beautiful words from him that you became speechless and crashed your lips to him.

His promise was kept every day until you both finished high school together, enjoy the summer before he leaves and make unforgettable memories as many as you can.

But knowing that he’s going away to follow his dreams and fulfil his goals, Mark worried too much about long distance relationship and how it never worked.

“Are we really together now? I’m not dreaming right?”

Your sleep was disturbed when Mark called you in the middle of the night. Today, you taught him how to bake and had a couple of rounds during Netflix and chill, so to be honest you’re really exhausted and tired.

“Mark, we kiss, we date, we have sex almost everyday. Yes baby, we’re together for almost four months already. Now can we please go back to sleep-“

“Go down open your door. I’m outside”

And the moment you opened the door for him, you gave him a ‘shh’ sign, telling him that your parents are already asleep. You came closer to him for a kiss, and told him, “it’s real. I’m real. Can you please promise me to stop overthinking, you’re making me worry,”

He didn’t answer you but lowered his head. You knew he’s sorry and he’s just doing this for you,

“I love you, Mark. I’m yours forever,” you said and kissed him again. Deeply this time, to the point that it put you both in the mood and the next thing you know Mark is fucking you while he’s covering your mouth with his hand.

When Mark left you for college your relationship went downhill and you’re both getting hurt already. Fighting is part of the relationship, yes, but the fight you have with Mark almost everyday was becoming the reason why you want to distance yourself from him. You feel caged with how he love you, you feel like he’s strangling you with all these rules you need to follow to maintain trust in your relationship but nothing is working.

Until he finally realized what he’s doing to you.

So during his vacation, he visited you and you were so excited to the core that you welcomed him with a tight hug and the biggest smile. Only to find out that he wanted to break up.

But

“It’s just until we finish college. Let’s wait and do it right. I don’t want to fight for you while hurting you at the same time. Please understand. I’m not breaking up because I don’t love you. This time off will heal us both,”

The breakup did you no good. You were sad every day and to be honest you would rather want him to nag you than miss him like this and you can believe that between the two of you, he’s the one doing great in life. It makes you want to believe that he doesn’t love you anymore. Like the man you fell in love to, wasn’t there anymore.

“Still crazy about my stupid brother huh? Come here and help feed my fishes,”

His brother, Lee Taeyong, disturbed you and your ugly thoughts while you finish the drink their mom gave you during one of your visits.

“Well, college was good to you. I see you’re back and finally opening a bakeshop downtown” he hands you the fish food as you wait for him to talk and feed the fishes generously.

“I’m very much excited to open my bakery. Want to make cookies later instead of being broken hearted?”

And as days, weeks, and months pass by, not only Lee Taeyong making you forget about Mark, he also healed your heart and won it fair and square.

It started how he makes your heart flutter whenever he holds your hand while teaching you how to bake, how praises you and tell you that you look beautiful everyday, how he makes his kitchen your own little world during closing time and you’re sitting on the kitchen counter with Taeyong in between your legs and taking your breath away with a heated kiss.

When you and taeyong started dating, you experienced true love. You didn’t want to hurt Mark but what you have with Taeyong is real and you had to hide this from him for years and years and years, until you finally graduated in college.

And Tayong proposed to you. It was the only time you couldn’t hide your relationship from Mark anymore because Taeyong was the one who confessed to him.

*this is the part where you read the first part again JEJEHEH

#nct-writers #neosmutcollective #cznnet #neowritingsnet #kpopscape #nct smut #mark lee smut #mark lee #nct mark #nct imagines #nct scenarios #nct fluff #mark lee smut x reader #smut mark lee #nct mark lee x reader #nct mark lee fluff #mark lee x reader #nct mark lee smut #mark lee angst

[nobutfredweasleytho]

YOU JUST DON’T LISTEN(F.W)

Summary: Fred’s ex girlfriend writes him a letter to explain the how him using her wrecked her emotionally.

Warnings: angst, like a lot of angst, depressed Y/N, mentions of self doubt, a little swearing, mentions of parents not loving correctly, used reader. Let me know if I missed anything.

A/N: Major thank you to Gabriella @onlyfreds for being an amazing person and encouraging me to write whatever this mess is. I am forever grateful to you

(The font is terrible Im sorry im just getting used to working on tumblr)

Fred Weasley checked the muggle clock on his nightstand. 10:30 AM. His mom will call him for breakfast anytime now. He has been awake for quite some time if he can even count the 30 minutes he tried to sleep but couldn’t, not when every time he tries to close his eyes his mind and eventually dreams are clouded by her. By the last time he looked at her, how devastated she looked, How her face was wet from her tears and her eyes bloodshot red, but the thing Fred will never be able to forget is her voice. How raw and vulnerable she sounded while saying the most horrible thing’s anyone has ever said to him, but he can’t blame her, he has no one to blame but himself because in the end it was he who caused all of this and now its come to bite him in the ass. He hears the door open and his twin brother George enters.

“Mom says breakfast is ready and she wants you downstairs. She says she’ll drag you herself if you don’t show up again today.”

“Tell her I’m not hungry and I’ll come grab a bite later.” I really don’t feel like being surrounded by other people right now. Not in this pathetic state I’m in. Besides it will take me willpower I don’t have to not hex Ron into oblivion.

“Well she will not take no for an answer and I wont either. What’s done is done now and you’ll have to face the world someday so start with your own family because everyone down there is worried sick about you and the least you can do is show your face once in a while so they know you haven’t died of starvation or sleep deprivation.” George has worry written all over him and I’m sure the rest of the family has it too. I feel even more like shit for worrying them.

“Fine. But I come back here if she is mentioned are we clear?”

“We weren’t gonna mention Y/N anyway now lets go moms worried sick for your dumbass.”

Breakfast was going smoothly with Ginny and Ron being exited for Quidditch season, Harry and Bill discussing the unfortunate events of the Triwizard tournament last year, dad asking Hermione about a rubber duck whatever that is, but the most shocking thing is mom asking me and George about the joke shop products. George is doing most of the talking but still the fact that shes even asking is awesome. I was finally feeling peaceful this whole winter break until I heard a hoot outside the window.

“I thought it was Tuesday but since mail is here does it mean its Friday already? Oh how fast time is going.

“No Arthur honey you are right it is Tuesday, Bill or George can one of you see if that owl has the owners name attached to it and bring whatever letter he has here to see who is it for.”

Bill got up from his seat and went to the window next to the countertop to look at the mystery owl. “Do we even know a Y/N Y/L/N?”

The room went quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the owls hoot asking for its treat. Bill seemed not to realise this as he took the letter from the owl, gave him a treat and sent it on its way.

“To Fred Weasley from Y/N Y/L/N… Who’s Y/N is she the girl you’ve been crying over this whole time huh Freddie?” Bill chuckled but I just grabbed the letter. I had no time to even be mad at him because once again my mind fogs up with only her. I couldn’t help but feel relieved and the happiest I felt in a long time. She has forgiven me. Y/N forgave me. That has to be it. Why else would she send me a letter?

“I had a great time with you guys but there’s important matters for me to attend so I have to go to now. Thanks mom the breakfast was amazing as always.” And with that I sprinted towards my room, locked the door and examined the letter in my hands. It was a bunch of them in here. I went to mine and George’s worktable threw some papers that were on top of it to make room for these letters and carefully opened the envelope.

The first thing that I grabbed was a photo. It was a polaroid of me and Y/N on the Gryffindor common room. Happiness filled my heart when I started remembering this night. I looked at the back of the polaroid and surely enough there was a writing on it.

Fred and Yn on the Gryffindor common room at 1 AM the night she turned 17. Listening to ABBA’s “Dancing Queen”. Picture taken by major 3rd wheel George Weasley.

Tears filled my eyes when I remember this night. It was the night I looked at her the way I always should have. Not as a replacement of someone who didn’t care about me.

The next one was also a polaroid photograph but this one I don’t remember being taken. It’s a picture of Y/N teaching me how to play the guitar. I can make up that we are in her dorm but not more as the picture is taken in black and white. I look at the back and surely this one also has a writing on it but the handwriting doesn’t look familiar at all.

A drunken Y/N accompanied by a even drunker Fred trying to play the guitar in the middle of the night. If I fail my charms exam tomorrow I’m killing you both but right now you two look adorable. Picture taken by Cho Chang.

The third one is an actual letter. I chuckle looking at the handwriting. Always so precise and not even one line out of place. I always thought Y/Ns handwriting always contradicts her hot headed persona but it’s actually really cute. I start reading the letter and my heart stops.

Dear Freddie,

I can only imagine the shock that receiving a letter from me would cause you right now especially after our last conversation.

But I have a lot to get off of my chest and I wont be able to move on if I haven’t said it all. Call me a coward but I was really scared to ask you to meet me so I can say it in person, but maybe that’s what I have always been. A coward. A coward because I get scared when someone wants to enter my life, a coward because I hate trying new things at the expense of failing, a coward because I should be able to confront people who brought darkness and sadness to my life.

But one thing I will admit Fred Weasley is that I wasn’t a coward when It came to loving you. It was the first time that I let someone come into my life and heart the way you did, and it will probably be the last. Throughout our “relationship” if you can even call it that as it was more of you customizing me to be her, to be someone I’m not. But that’s why you even talked to me is it, because I reminded you of her.

The signs were right in front of me and I feel stupid enough not to have seen them. But I guess people are right when they say love is blind. Love is such a funny thing to me as the first time I experienced the right kind of love was through you. But that was me creating stuff in my head. You didn’t love me no, you loved the idea of me. But I loved you. I loved you more than anything or anyone I have ever loved, I loved everything about you. But you just don’t listen. You don’t listen to anyone around you. Not George, not your other siblings, not Lee or any of your other friends for that matter, not your professors, but most importantly you don’t listen to me.

You didn’t listen when I told you that the love my parents gave me was only because I reminded them of my brother, the love my old friends back home gave me was one of interest. Everywhere I go no matter who I talk to no one will love me for me. I came to accept that until I met you.

You were funny and crazy and brave and oh so gorgeous. You were basically everything I looked for in… well everything. In a friend or in a partner it doesn’t matter. I thought you saw me for who I am. A broken teenager with issues but that at the end of the day was deserving of love. Oh how wrong I have been but no more wrong than you. You knew this but you just didn’t listen.

That makes us both horrible people now does it. Me who thought you were some kind of savior or some kind of saint and selfishly wrapped myself around your love and you who used me because I remind you of your ex girlfriend who broke your heart. But mine is excused I feel like and yours isn’t.

You would have kept me going for who knows how long just so you can live your imaginations you had for someone else.

Did you think about her the first time we slept together?

Was I not enough for you Freddie?

Was I too clingy too soon?

Is it my hot temper that gets the best of me?

So many questions will be left unanswered on my end because frankly, I never want to speak of you again. Sure I am deprived of love but I will not take it if its not directed directly at me.

I still care about you and will continue to support you and George on whatever you set your mind into. I was waking through Diagon Alley last week and saw this little store with a “for sale” sign. It’s right in the middle of Diagon Alley. I hate how my first thought went that you would have loved it but I seem to do that a lot recently.

I’ll get dressed and think would Fred love this skirt or this shirt.

I start applying lipstick and I’ll think will Fred love this color.

I start eating and I’ll think does this look good enough that Fred would’ve stolen a piece of it when I’m talking to Ginny.

I don’t even know why I am telling you this. How pathetic I’ve become clinging into someone that doesn’t want me.

Anyway I’ve probably bored you enough with my ranting but I wouldn’t have been able to move on unless I said everything that felt heavy on my heart. I also attached some photos I thought you’d like to keep seeing as now you can see yourself with Kayla without having the burden to be near me.

Say hi to your siblings and Harry for me.

Have a nice life,

Y/N

#harry potter #fred x y/n #fred weasley series #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley imagine #fred weasley #fred weasley angst #george weasley #hogwarts #fred and goerge weasley #weasley family #sadnees #i hate this

[healpeony]

Love Story

Levi Ackerman x reader

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲; Levi's and Y/n love isn't accepted by many specially Y/n's parents, an Eldian and a Marleyan? a great represention of Persephone's and Hades love.

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬; profanity, angst, scene of smut (not explicitly described), violence, blood, being called whore (by her mother), homophobia (also used by her mother), spoilers.

Taglist; @icedkoffees

Note; she/her pronouns used for the reader as well as female anatomy. Also I'm using what Isayama said about how Levi would act shy around his crush and him being uncomfortable with sexual intercourse. And I also want to add that I don't know much about what happens when the Marleyans invaded Paradise, and I also added my own thing to help with my plot so this could be call a cannonverse!au.

PERSEPHONE a young women who's innocence was taken from her the moment she was kidnapped by her uncle, who fell in love with her. Despite her mother's (Demeter) attempts to fully get her back right away from the hands of her brother, it was too late that wasn't going to happened not after Hades persuaded Persephone to eat four seeds of pomegranate, which forced someone to have a connection with their captor, making them come back to them.

Each spring time Persephone would be living with her mother on earth, while in winter she was with Hades in the underworld.

Levi was the Persephone to Y/n's Hades, she being the one who used him and their love for each other was the pomegranate making Levi come back to her.

It's ironic how their love story started with y/n getting taken away from Marley, a place she called home.

Even though she wasn't necessarily kidnaped, she was sent away to accomplish a mission in a place called Paradise, she found it ridiculous how it was named that way when that land was full of devils.

Y/n was shipped to Paradise along with the warriors. She was going to infiltrate into the Survey Corps where she would hopefully sabotage every expedition without getting caught.

Her mission was to make sure none of the warriors get too cozy in the foreign place, and to focus on their mission, but it was impossible to do so when all the people who were described as devils, were actually just like them. Humans.

She was older than those kids being 22 when they were still 15, y/n loved them, they were like little siblings to her and it hurt when they lost Marcel, the jaw.

"Oi brat! Stay focused" the voice of her captain took her out of her train of thoughts

Captain Levi, he was called humanity strongest and was also what everyone called their only hope. At first Y/n didn't understood why he needed such a big tittle, but after being in his squad and witnessing him showing his skills and his hatred towards titans, she got why.

"I'm sorry captain" she saluted, which was dismissed by him

"You called what you did back in the kitchen, cleaning?" he asked pointing towards the place he just mentioned "There is dust everywhere, go and clean everything again, I don't want to see any dust in there again. That's where our food is made, you idiot"

Without another word he left, and when she felt like he was out of earshot, she kicked a chair, breaking it. He might be Humanities strongest, but he was soo irritating, so obsessed with cleaning. That's what they always did for the most part of their time.

"there is dust everywhere my ass" she mocked Levi's voice while looking around the kitchen she just finished cleaning minutes ago

She had made sure everything was left without a spot of dust, how in the world did Levi saw dust anywhere.

After she had cleaned the kitchen area, Levi had send her to clean the stables which took a lot of time since he told her to clean alone. It was already sun down when she had finished.

She was exhausted, her clothes were pooled with sweat and glued to her skin making her uncomfortable, she really needed a shower.

"Go take a shower" the sudden voice of the raven man scare the hell out of her

"Fuck Captain!" y/n yelled, putting a hand on her chest as if that would calm her speeding heart beat

"Go now, and then come to eat dinner with us" he continued, the blank stare he gave her when they made eye contact given her chills

"Yes, sir" she saluted, before leaving

The mess hall was well a mess, the cadets eat like animals. The same soup and bread they always eat, Y/n found it extremely annoying how the Military Police get all the meat when the Survey Corps were the ones doing the only brave work inside the walls.

"Y/n if you're not going to eat your soup can I have it?" Sasha asked

Oh, how much she wanted to say no, but she had a reputation to hold and she didn't want the soup anyway.

Y/n faked a smile, (one that everyone thought that was genuine) before saying "of course, Sasha" passing the bowl full of hot soup to the girl

"Thanks!"

Y/n felt how eyes were burning through her skull and turned her head to look down the table, just to see Captain Levi staring at her with a suspicious look in his eyes.

Oh shit, if he in some way found out about who she really was, she was fucked. The young women tried her best to stay seated, but her nerves didn't let her making her stand up.

"I'm exhausted, I think I'm going to sleep"

It wasn't a lie she was tired from all the cleaning, but she didn't want to sleep, she just needed to desperately get out of there.

When she was finally outside, y/n leaned against the wall, sliding down while taking a deep breath.

"You know, it isn't good to fake smile to your friends"

Y/n immediately turn around at the sudden voice of her captain, he did it again, he scared the living shit out of her.

"Captain!, Stop doing that!" her face felt warmer than usual for some reason

Was she blushing?

"Why did you do it? Are you sad?" Levi asked putting down a handkerchief on the ground before sitting next to her, looking over at her examinating her face

"Oh it's just stress" Y/n replied, praying that he would just believe her

"I see.." he turned towards the sky where the moon shined brightly along with the stars

What Y/n thought that would be a awkward silence, turned into a comfortable one. They just stared at the sky above them, it remind Y/n that she had a family waiting for her outside the walls and she was not going to disappoint them by getting comfy with the captain, even though she didn't know what his intentions were.

"I'm going to take a nap" she stood up, and called over her shoulder "Have a good night, captain" before proceeding to walk towards her room

"Good night, cadet..."

Y/n didn't know when it happened, was it when they continued sitting together and looking at the sky in complete silence, or was it when in some of those same nights they spoke more and more about each other's personal life (in none of those conversations she mentioned Marley, but still talked about her family). She didn't remember how her feelings for him changed, but they did.

Right now she was there, in the same spot on the wall with Levi next to her. They were even in first name basics with each other.

The raven man cleared his throat catching her attention, turning her head to the side to look at him she noticed how he was blushing.

"I.. I think is pretty obvious what I feel for— about you by now"

A surprised noice escaped Y/n mouth, she expected to have that talk with him some day, but not today or Levi being so straight forward with the subject.

The women could only nod, her brain still processing what he just said.

"I was wondering, if you felt the same.." his voice dropped to a whisper, while he looked down

"No" she shaked her head, making Levi looked up at her eyes widened with embarrassment at the rejection "Look, Levi.. it's just that I have done terrible things that you're not aware of. You don't want to be with me"

"Then tell me what terrible things you have done and let me be with you after your done" Levi said

"No, Levi you don't understand" tears pooled in her eyes, y/n didn't even remember the last time she had cry "I can't be with you"

"Why? Is it because of the terrible things you have done? Well guess what everybody has their own flaws, everybody in this world is an angel, at least until they get tired of the cruelty in it and let the demons take over" Levi grabbed her face between his hands, wiping the falling tears from her face "I want to be with you, wether you have let your demons take over or not"

Y/n felt the man lean in to place his lips to hers, they stayed pressed together without movement, before Levi pull away and kissed her again this time letting his emotions be known through the kiss.

Passion. Love. Care.

This is a moment in her life she would never forget not even when hers and the warriors mission is over.

Retaking of wall Maria

"I let you. I fucking let you in!"

Levi stood infront of her heartbroken, she told him, now he knew everything..

"Levi-" however she wasn't able to continue speaking since she received a kick right in the face making her fall on her side

She looked at Levi surprised, he had kicked her. Y/n knew she deserved, but it still hurt to have someone you loved hit you.

"You lied about everything didn't you? For what, to get information?" his voice was cracking slightly with each word he said "Was it necessary to use me for your stupid plans?"

"I didn't use you!, What I felt for you was real" y/n said defending her feelings

"I don't even know what is real about you anymore, is Y/n actually your name? Or is it just another lie?"

"It is my name.." she weakly murmured tasting blood in her tongue, she figured that her lip might have been split open from the impact

"Oh good to know"

Sarcasm tried to cover his hurt voice, which actually didn't work, since Y/n could clearly hear his shaky breath and it made her feel soo guilty.

"I hate you"

Those three little words were enough to make her world come crashing down, he hated her. Of course he did, it hurt so much but she had seen this coming, and she still didn't felt ready for it.

"I'm sorry, Levi"

That was all she said to him, before she was grabbed by a titan being controlled by Zeke, taking her away from the place where she meet someone who meant so much to her.

One thing that she was sure of was that

She will never forget Levi Ackerman.

Screams, that was what was heard everywhere. Kids either with their parents or alone were running desperately trying to find shelter, and that broke Y/n's heart.

She was tired of all the fighting, she was tired of pretending to be stronger than she felt. For once she just wanted peace and happiness, something that she didn't quite have the past four years.

How did they got here? That was one of the many questions going through her head, but one that she paid more attention to was the most important

Was he here too?

"There you are, piece of shit."

That voice, it was him. It might have changed, but she could recognize it everywhere, the same voice who used to startle her everytime they saw each other, the voice that bought her comfort, the voice of the man she fell in love with.

It was Levi.

Slowly she proceeded to turn around, the fear for what might happen next running through her veins. She was ready to be killed by him.

Finally she look up and saw the same man she fell in love with, the only change that she saw was the uniform, apart from that he still seem like he had the same height as before and from the look on his face he still had the same temper.

"Nice uniform, I like it" she told him quietly not knowing what to say

Levi scoffed at her statement, taking his blade out. So he was going to kill her.

"You can go ahead and kill me, might as well add another ghost to haunt you"

Did she felt fear? Yes she did, but she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of seeing it.

"Shut up" that was his response, before he connected his blade with her cheek leaving a long but not deep cut "You're going to come with me"

"I'm not going anywhere!"

The last thing he told her was that he hated her, why would he want her to come back to Paradise?, Was it to use her for information? Or because he missed her? It was stupid to think of the latter question, but she was still hopeful.

"I'm not asking, you brat"

That was the last thing she heard before he knocked her out.

"How could you be with a devil?!"

Her mom's scream hurt her eardrums, Zeke had told them about how she had been in a relationship with a so call devil. That seem like the only thing Zeke could do apart from throwing rocks, snitch.

"You were send there for a reason Y/n! No child of mine should've or should be with one of those devils!"

"Mother, I'm so sorry it's just that it would be easier for me to get the information about them that I wanted"

That was a lie. She loved Levi, even though she didn't get the chance to say it to him. She did, and that feeling wasn't going to go away anytime soon.

Her father stood next to her mother quietly looking at her with disgusts as if she was the trash people get rid of because of the smell, she hated that, it hurt to have your own parents hating on you.

"So what? For a piece of information, you had to go and whore yourself in there?"

Y/n gasped looking at her mom shocked "What? No mother, I didn't do anything like that with him!" she argue

That wasn't a lie, Levi was uncomfortable with sexual intercourse, since his own mother worked in a brothel and he had been the witness of how much that act hurt his mother, he had trusted her enough to tell her that.

"Good, you still have your purity." her mom nodded, before letting out a sigh "At least it wasn't with a women, you would've been completely kicked out of this house young lady"

"Now go take a shower, make sure to wash away every memory in that land while doing so." her mom smiled softly her hand reaching out to touch her cheek, before hugging her "My poor baby, having to live with those devils for so long. Don't worry you're home now, you're safe with us"

What once was her home didn't feel like home anymore, her house was just a place, her home was the person she left behind in Paradise.

Y/n didn't remember how many days have passed or what was going on outside of her cell. She didn't know in what prison she was in, but just a few days ago it had seem like there was a whole damn war going on outside.

She hasn't seen Levi since he put her into the cell, and she was scared that something might have happened to him. She heard the door of the corridor open, Y/n stood up walking towards the bars to see who it was, it was Hange.

"Y/n" Hange nodded at her as if they were saying hi "He said your name, so we think it would be good if you saw him"

"Who are you talking about?" Y/n asking looking at them confused

"Levi"

Her heart immediately speed up, something happened to him. Her anxiety grew each passing second as she took step by step through the halls, Hange having a hold of her arm to make sure she didn't try to run away.

"What happened to him?" Y/n questioned scared for what the answer might be

"Explosion" was all they said, before entering a room that seems to be Levi's, there was only a nurse sitting in a chair probably just there just in case Levi needed something

"Thanks, you can stand outside. We would call if we need you" Hange told the nurse who nodded and walked out of the room, closing the door behind her, but not before throwing Y/n a look of disapproval about her being there.

Y/n ran to Levi's side as soon as the nurse was out, he had bandages in one side of his face, and on his hands. Tears started sliding down the young women's cheek while Hange looked at her with pity, but also cautiously not wanting her to do anything that might hurt Levi.

"Levi.." she whispered, even though

y/n felt bad about disturbing him from his sleep knowing how difficult it was for him to do so, she wanted to hear his voice, reassuring her that he was going to be ok "Everything it's going to be fine, right Hange? Tell him"

“Yeah, I agree with you y/n”

She didn't knew who she was trying to convince herself or Levi, but that didn't matter, because she felt a squeeze in one hand and immediately look down to see that Levi was the one holding it. Y/n look back up to his face seeing how his eye was open and he was staring directly at her.

Y/n smiled "Hey darling, you're okay now" she let out those word between sobs "— I'm sorry for everything Levi, for not telling you where I was really from, for letting you fall in love with me when I knew how it was going to bed. I'm so sorry for every misery that I have put you through"

Levi squeezed her hand again "- 's ok, I f—orgive you" his words came out has a whisper and he struggled to speak but she heard him clearly

Hange watched the scene playing out infront of them, they could see how much those two loved each other. They were like a puzzle, that could figure each other out, knowing each piece of themselves like the back of their hands.

It has been a month and a half exactly since Y/n had seen Levi in the bed witnessing how helpless he looked, she had never seen him like that and wasn't planning to anytime soon, since then she hadn't left his side.

He was currently touching her bare back leaving kisses down her neck, their naked chest pressed together, hot and sweaty.

"Levi..." she moaned softly

This was their first time being intimate, and she didn't want him to feel pressured into anything.

"I know what you're going to say, and I want to how much as you" he said before continuing marking her, claiming her as his

Each move of his hips against hers, reminded her of who she was with. The gentleness in his touch making her forget about the world around them. The softness of his lips against hers taking her breath away.

It wasn't just the pleasure that made Levi take the decision of doing this with her, this was his own way of showing how far he would go just to be with her, to come out of his comfort zone just to shower her with intimate kisses and touches that he and neither would she forget.

“I love you Levi”

Her skin was the canvas, and his lips was the brush painting each part of her body.

“I love you too...”

“You will come back with us immediately young lady!" her mother said trying to remain calm infront of the devils

The rumbling was over, Eren Yeager was killed. Paradise and Marley were allies, but that doesn't mean they have forgiven each other for what each have done. Many Marleyans and Eldians from Marley came to visit out of curiosity, while people from Paradise went to explore the world (if we are talking about visiting the outside world and finding new things as much as possible), but they never want to visit Marley afraid that they might get turn into titans and angry for what those monsters have done to other people.

"I'am old enough to make my own decisions, mother" Y/n had answered, wanting to remain as calm as she could

"His manipulating you isn't he?"

"How dare you!—" Y/n yelled, before regaining her composure, her voice going back to calm but being loud and firm at the same time "I love him, he didn't manipulate me into anything. It's bold of you to assume that, mother"

"We're your family, your place it's with us!"

Some of the Military Police who were there scoffed along with some of the scouts, they have warmed up to Y/n already, but the Marleyans didn't seem to accept that one of themselves loved an Eldian, specially from Paradise.

"You're my family? Then where were you when I needed you the most?, All I needed when I returned to Marley four years ago was my mother!, The one who an illusion of my mind created, a sweet mom who would love me for being her child, and not see me as an object" Y/n couldn't remain calm anymore she needed to let everything out "— The time I spent with him, I got to truly know what comfort was, what being loved and being needed felt like! And you—" with tears in her eyes she turned to her father who was quiet, like he always was "You're so afraid of mom that you don't even dare to speak for yourself!, You did nothing to help your own daughter!, You just watched as she was raised to be something she didn't want to be!"

She spoke out her mind finally letting out those built up words that haunted her, needing to be said "— I thank you for everything though, despite not given me the love that I needed, your own choices took me to where we are now. Without those decisions, I wouldn't have met Levi so I thank you, for what you both did" she smiled at them

Her mom stood there quietly, before turning around and walking towards the door, her father following close behind "Don't bother returning home" was all her father said

"I won't"

She was already home, she was standing next to it. Holding his hand, Levi Ackerman was the safe place she will always and forever need.

“— And they lived happily ever after”

Y/n closed the book, looking at the twins, her daughter and son who had fallen asleep half way through the story.

“Please tell me you didn't read to them the explicit parts”

The voice of her husband scared her and she turned to him, who stood by the door leaning into it.

“Of course not you idiot!”

She stood up turning off the lamp and given both of the children kisses on their head, before going out of the room with Levi.

“I still think we should publish this book” Y/n smirked, a mischievous look in her eyes

“Absolutely not”

Yeah, their Love Story had a happy ending after all.

This was so much fun to write! I wrote 4k words and I'm proud of that! I feel like my writing has improved in the past few days, and this might be one of the works that will show it, and I hope future ones show the progress too! Also I want to punch y/n's mother in the face.

Thank you so much for reading, you can support my work by hitting reblog or liking! But don't repost to other platforms!

#levi ackerman angst #levi ackerman x reader #aot oneshots #shingeki no kyoujin #snk spoilers #attack on titan #levi ackerman fluff #levi ackerman #blood #homophobia #profane #aot angst #aot x reader #levi ackerman smut

[the-cult-of-russo]

Biggest Regret

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader 

A/N: This one wasn't a request. I have Billy on the brain so much that I literally woke up and this popped into my head as I was laying there trying to fully wake up and I had to write it lmao It's just a little thing. A letter from Billy to you. I know a lot of you guys might want a part two for it, the resolution to the letter and there's a few ways it could go. So if anyone asks for a part two, let me know how you want it. Angsty? Fluffy? A mix? And I'll see what the general consensus is. I already have a slight idea about it but I wanna know what you guys want. 

Also this is my AU dreamland where Billy didn’t betray Frank looool

Warnings: cursing, angst, sadness and regret from Billy. Talks of pregnancy and babies and abandonment.

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Y/N,

I know it's been a while and I don't even know if you still live where you did back then or if you'll get this. I'd say some shit like I hope you're doing well, which I am, but… I know you won't want to hear it. 

I'm overseas again right now with Anvil. Me and Frank are taking point on a serious mission we're doing. Anvil's doing pretty well right now and we just got a contract from the CIA which is how we ended up here. Being out here like this, it reminds me of being deployed. Part of me missed it, I guess.

It's given me a lot to think about. It's funny how life and death situations do that to you, puts it all in perspective. And I know… I know you probably hate me and I don't blame you but I just hope if you do get this letter that you at least read it all. 

I never should have walked away last year. I used to think I was a brave man, I mean the shit I've faced in the marines and with Anvil… I never backed down and I always fought. But with this. With you and the baby, I tucked tail and ran and I'll never forgive myself for that. 

Honestly, I was terrified. I didn't think I could be the man you and the baby needed. I don't know what it's like to have loving parents and I hate myself so much for walking away. I don't want to do to my own kid what my mom did to me. I don't want them to grow up thinking I don't care, that I don't want them. It was never about that. I was never angry you were pregnant, I was never resentful. I was just scared that I'd fuck it up beyond repair so I got out of there before I had the chance. 

I should have been there for you, Y/N. I should have been there to hold your hair from your face when you got sick. To go out at 3am and get you pickles or whatever the fuck it is that pregnant women love to eat. I should have been there with you at the birthing classes and the scans and the appointments. I should have been there to hold your hand in the delivery room, to tell you what an amazing job it is you're doing. I should have been there to hold my kid when they came into the world. To be there for you and them. 

I can't take that back. I can't rewind time and be there and I wish I could. I don't know anything about my own baby which hurts the shit outta me and it's my own fault. I don't know if they're a boy or girl, how old they are. I know they'll roughly be a few months old based on when I walked away but that's about it. Do they look more like me or you? Are they a happy or fussy baby? This is the shit that's been running through my head out here. Fuck… I don't know if…. I don't even know if you kept the baby and that shit hurts too deep to even consider. But I know you well enough. Or at least I think I do. And I don't think you would have done that. As much as it would kill me inside, if you did I wouldn't blame you. I'd left you all alone to deal with it and I know neither of us planned a kid. 

Frankie was the one who told me to write this. He's been putting up with me nonstop the last month of us being out here crying  talking about you and the baby. He and Maria miss you, the kids too. Maybe that alone should have told me back then how important you were to me. I'd never introduced any of the girls I slept with to them, but it just felt natural to me back then. I'd wanted to. I couldn't even see just how much you meant to me. 

It's like they always say, you don't know what you've got 'till it's gone. And I didn't know just how much I cared about you until that day I walked away and I fucking miss you, Y/N. Frank and Maria always ask if I'd heard anything about the baby or if I've reached out and it breaks my heart every time with how disappointed they are. I guess I never really thought they'd be excited for me to have a kid. But they're my family, of course they would be. 

Frank roughed me up, you know that? I didn't tell him right away about the baby. He'd ask about you and I told him we decided it wasn't working like the coward I am. But then a few weeks after I told him the truth. He clocked me in the jaw, yanked me around as he yelled about how stupid and selfish I was. And I let him. He was right and I deserved it. I don't think I've ever seen Frankie so mad before and that's saying something. 

I know I should have reached out sooner, but being out here on the front lines like this, it reminds me of how fleeting life can be. And I wish it didn't take something extreme like that to give me the balls to man up and write this to you but I think we've all established I'm not as brave as I once thought I was. 

I have no right asking you for anything, I know that. But I miss you and I want to be a part of our baby's life. And you can ignore this letter or tell me to go fuck myself and I'll listen. If you tell me to stay away, I will. I owe you that much. But I'd… even if you could tell me about them a little, it would mean the world everything to me. And I know I don't deserve shit but I'm selfish and asking you anyway. 

I've seen and done a lot of shit in my life and your face has haunted me every single night since the day I walked away. I saw how scared you were. You were just as terrified as me about the baby and I wasn't there for you. I didn't comfort you or reassure you that we'd get through it together. Instead I shut down and told you I couldn't do it, I wouldn't do it. And then you looked at me with such heartbreak that it makes my chest feel tight and I fucking hate it. Every time I close my eyes I remember those looks and I know I'm a piece of shit for ever putting them on your face. 

It hurts more that you just accepted it. Like you expected it from me. I guess you knew me well enough to have an idea how it would go when you told me. And then you fucking respected my wishes and didn't contact me about anything. You didn't owe me that. You should have harassed me, called me a piece of shit, fought me, got child support. Fucking something. But of course you didn't. You've always been too kind and caring for that. Always looked after me even when I least deserve it. 

And I guess I'm hoping that even through the hate and betrayal you feel for me, that maybe somewhere in there you still care even just a little. Enough to put me out of my misery. Enough to send even a letter with the bare minimum details about our kid. I'm hoping that I didn't change you because you were perfect as you were and the last thing I want is to have fucked you up because of my own insecurities. 

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of you. Think of the baby. I wonder how you're both doing and if you're happy. I know you'd be a great mom and despite it all, I'm glad that if I had a kid with anyone that it was you. I'm coming back stateside in three weeks. It's gonna kill me not knowing if you've wrote back or not but I won't hold it against you if you don't. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain I caused you. For making you go through all this alone. For walking away from you and the baby like I did. If I was there I'd be down on my knees begging for forgiveness for what I did. All I can hope is that you take some mercy on me, even just a little. 

I miss you, Y,N. I miss you so much it hurts and I'm just sorry. Whatever you decide, I'll understand and respect it. I love you. And yeah I probably shouldn't say that, might feel like a smack in the face after everything I've done, but I do. And I know I never told you that when we were together. We were never really 'serious' or whatever, or at least that's what I told myself. But it was only ever you. When I was with you there were no others. And I couldn't see it at the time but I'd fell in love with you the moment we met in that damn grocery store. I don't know if you ever felt the same about me but I know even if you did I've ruined that. I don't expect anything from you. I fucked up and I know that. But it doesn't change that I want to be there now. I want to know about our baby, I want to be part of their life. I want them to grow up knowing I care about them because I do.

I hope to hear from you when I'm back but I won't hold my breath. I hope… I hope you're both doing okay and I'm just sorry for everything. I hope one day you'll be able to forgive me.

Billy 

#billy russo #billy russo x reader #the punisher #billy russo imagine