#and it shows vis a vis my mental health

[one-true-houselight]

What is the point of requiring masks to walk into a building, only to leave it up for personal choice once people sit down for a performance? Do you understand how masks work?

#look. obviously the most relevant reason to be distressed about waning COVID precautions is the death and eugenics #but the personal things are hitting hard as well #there’s a show coming to DC that me my sibling and my mom all really want to go to #but a. saw people saying that was how enforcement was working which renders it unsafe #as well as b. the venue does food/drink anyway which annoys me in its own way #remember when we were all making fun of some conservative asshole for acting like taking off your mask ‘just to eat’ was good enough? #bc we realized viruses don’t care why we’re taking off our mask #but now suddenly it’s al masks are required unless eating or drinking #basically cancelling a large portion of any protection you might have gained. #and for what? so people could eat some popcorn or have a beer inside #(obviously it’s different for people with blood sugar/etc medical needs #but it’s not like anyone cares about disabled people any other time vis a vis masks so I don’t fully believe they actually care about #finding an equitable solution ya know?) #fuck the government and cdc for sacrificing people on the altar of capitalism #but also fuck people who can’t wear a mask/quarantine/not go out/etc to keep disabled people alive and even slightly welcome in public #yeah my mental health would be better if I went out more! #except! it would be balanced out by the negative impact of all the people I’m condemning to isolation and death #we have solutions we know solutions #but people were left to the mercies of a government that didn’t care and were bombarded by individualistic bullies in its place #so now a show that is literally synthesized to be my jam #is a biohazard.

[hazelsmirrorball]

Rockstar Girlfriend VI. | Hazel Callahan

Rockstar! Hazel Callahan x Popstar! Reader

Summary: Hazel Callahan and Y/n L/n have to be in a pr relationship, but both of them can stand each other. 

Warnings: Enemies to lovers! Enemies to lovers! Enemies to lovers! Angst, Fight (not physical) Not proof read. Sorry for any mistakes, English isn't my main language. 

a/n: I’m back after a while!! Sorry for being MIA. I don't know how to feel about this but I'm really thankful for all the support. Lots of new things coming soon. love you guys.

part one. part two. part three. part four. part five.

The tour was canceled. 

Everything Y/n had worked for went down the drain. Not only had she lost the tour she risked everything for, but she had lost her bandmates' trust. They were losing followers by the minute and receiving hate left and right. All that success she had gained because of Hazel was almost gone. 

The moment everyone found out about Hazel's outburst, the show was canceled with a blink of an eye. They could hear the cries and screams of fans outside. Y/n couldn’t bear to listen, she felt bad, guilty even. Management said that her band couldn’t perform because they were only the openers, so karma was biting her ass quickly.    

But after one show became two and then two became five, management canceled the whole tour, every single date. They claimed that they couldn’t do anything without Hazel, their star. Y/n tried to be positive that maybe Hazel was joking around and that she was going to come back but when management canceled the tour, her feet finally hit the floor. The tour was over before it even started. The hop of the wave of success both bands were having was cut short. The most anticipated tour of the year was canceled due to mental health issues from one of the band members. That was what got posted on the band's page and every news article. 

But Hazel made it her job for people to know that, that wasn’t the case. If the tour was canceled she wanted people to know the real reason, no more tricks, no more lies and no more fake love. Y/n felt her heart stop when her phone started to blow up with notifications and her eyes landed on a video Hazel had posted on instagram after being MIA for two weeks. 

That was when “Mean” was born. 

“Hi guys! I know I’ve been gone for a while and all of a sudden the tour got canceled. But I’m here to tell you guys that we are currently working to get your back running again. This time we decided it was best to get new openers. Anyways, on my little break I decided to write this song I really hope you guys enjoy!” Hazel said to the camera starting to strum her guitar. Y/n felt her heart drop every second that passed by. If she was already losing everything with a blink of an eye it wouldn’t surprise Y/n if what was left of her career ended just because of that song. 

hazel.callahan via instagram

liked by bottomstheband, y/nnn, and others

hazel.callahan rehearsals for tour are the shit! I missed this a lot, can't wait for tour to start <3

view all 1,550 comments

hazelsbottoms she's backkkkkkkk

user101 mother is back, hope tour doesn't get cancelled this time.

pjandhazeparis sorry to disappoint but I'll be a groupie for life

bottomsupdates why is y/n lurking in the likes? hasn't she done enough

| ynloveshazel please leave y/n alone

| bottomsupdates she's the one lurking her comments

Hazel had uploaded an acoustic version of a song she had written through her break in an attempt for people to understand what she was going through. It was something new, different from the songs she was used to writing for herself and other people. The song quickly took the world by storm gaining everyone’s attention. Fans had caught up quickly with who the song was written for, making it their job to make Y/n’s life a living hell. Her band's account was barely existent by the minute and management was going insane.

Y/n couldn’t let things slide. She had three options, let her pr team do everything for her, clap back and deny the allegations, or attempt to do a song just like Hazel did. The thing was, Y/n was already used to Hazel’s constant help writing songs and honestly she kinda missed spending midnights with her writing songs. She missed how Hazel would slowly touch her skin in an attempt to get her attention or how she got lost in her blue eyes while she tried to explain the chorus of the song. Y/n missed Hazel. She hated herself for running things with her. Things were finally different, this time Y/n didn’t hate Hazel, Hazel just hated Y/n. 

She was going to make things right, possibly ending her career. But it was worth it. If Hazel heard the song, she could lose everything and she wouldn’t care. 

Y/n propped her camera hitting record while sitting in front of it, letting out a sigh. She slowly strummed the guitar she barely knew how to play but all she could think of was all the times Hazel had attempted to teach her how to play it.

“This song is for someone special in my life that I treated so badly. I know I fucked up and I wished I could go back to december, they day I met you and start all over”

y/n's instagram

liked by bottomstheband, ynnnn, and others

y/nnn but if we loved again, I swear I’d love you right

comments have been deactivated

Y/nnn let out a sigh as she looked at her phone flooding with notifications. At least if she was gone for social media, she was certain Hazel had heard the song. Maybe she could get another chance or another life where they could get together with no mistakes.  Y/n’s thoughts got interrupted by a harsh knock on her door. She quickly walked towards it, ready to face her neighbor. But she felt her heart drop when she noticed the familiar blue eyes she had fallen in love with. Y/n’s eyes wandered all over her trying to tell if she was real or an act of her imagination due to the lack of sleep. But as the words slipped out of her mouth she knew it was all reality. 

“My guitar.” Hazel replied, playing with her feet. Y/n furrowed her eyebrows and looked at her confused. 

“What do you mean, my guitar? How do you know where I live?” Y/n responded leaning against the doorframe trying to get a better look at Hazel. 

“My guitar. You have my lucky guitar, I saw it in the video you posted. Now, can you please give it back” 

“No.”

“What do you mean no? It’s mine, L/n.”

“You don’t speak to me, drop a diss track on my name and expect me to give you back you guitar” Y/n exclaimed while looking at Hazel with a surprised look on her face. 

“Are you insane? You do know that all of this is not my fault, right? I was willing to do anything for you but you preferred the fame over me. You fucked up your own career and you fucked up with me. Yet, I came here, to your apartment and you still want to act like the victim instead of saying your sorry. You know what stays with the stupid guitar. I don’t want it anyway. You want to play a game that I’m really tired of playing. I really don't understand why are you like this.” Hazel exclaimed loudly pulling on her hairs.

"I like you Hazel and I'm like this because I know I screwed up the only good thing in my life" Y/n said loudly leaving Hazel with her mouth wide open not knowing what say.

At least he got the chance he desperately needed.  

thank you for reading

previous part.

#hazel bottoms #hazel callahan reader insert #hazel x reader #hazel callahan #hazel callahan x reader #kit tanthalos #kit tanthalos x reader #ruby cruz x reader #ruby cruz #hazel callahan bottoms #bottoms movie

[idkwhatimdoingbutslay]

… I can’t imagine that we actually watched the same show. Like I REALLY AISNSOSNWKMEJDND

hold on I’m gonna need to calm down.

Let me just make a list of why I disagree and at least organize my anger. Long post incoming.

Vander was friends and had a deal with Grayson. The sheriff. Idk what else to even add to that

Caitlyn is more than a cop and Arcane isn’t copaganda. Genuinely don’t know what kind of progress some of these people are looking for. Real allies are a necessity for real progress.

SILCO IS A CLASS TRAITOR. HE FUNNELLED DRUGS INTO THE UNDERCITY AND PUT POOR KIDS IN FACTORIES FOR THAT DRUG FOR PROFIT!!! HE PAID THE ENFORCERS TO LET HIM DO IT WITHOUT CONSEQUENCE

Vi is not as much as an activist as you would like to believe

WHY IS EKKO NEVER EVER BROUGHT UP IN THESE CONVERSATIONS????

Silco was not good for the Undercity

Silco was not a great guy. Ekko had to build an entire separate hidden community for the people he hurt and stepped on for his own benefit

Caitlyn is ignorant and naive. That’s ok. That’s what character development is for.

Loving imperfect characters like Silco and Jinx then hating characters like Vi and Caitlyn is peak media illiteracy to me

FOR THE LAST TIME: VI DIDNT ABANDON POWDER!!!!! Silco literally wanted Vi DEAD for trying to stop him from killing Vander??? How could you possibly say silco was there for jinx when Vi refused to be???? SHE WAS IN PRISON BECAUSE OF HIM???

Silco’s manipulation is working wonders on y’all

Embracing all the outrage without at all looking out for the people harmed by bigotry is not activism

SILCO IS A CLASS TRAITOR x929282929394

Caitlyn was the first person in years to show Vi kindness and care. She listened and stuck by her and took care of her after Vi was locked up for years and beat up by cops (i wonder what led her to be thrown in there?). Cait being a cop stopped being a point of contention once Vi recognized her naivety and genuineness.

NUANCE NUANCE NUANCE. ITS NEVER EVER BLACK AND WHITE

The only way I can see Vi touching ‘class traitor’ in season one was the shimmer raid. Guess who the hell put those kids in there in the first place.

Just hanging out with Caitlyn isn’t being a class traitor if Vander’s allowed to be friends with Grayson.

Critical thinking is very necessary for watching shows like Arcane

What the hell did Silco really do for the Undercity???? What changed over the 7(ish) years he was basically in power of the place? All I’ve heard was he made the air cleaner, which would be great except for, you know, shimmer and the child factory workers

Jinx is unwell and feeding into it like this in a fully serious manor would not help Arcane as a show at all

What do you want Arcane’s message as a full show to be? ‘Screw cops’? That’s a little boring and unproductive isn’t it?

CAN WE TALK ABOUT EKKO AND HIS IMPACT PLEASE???? x9382728283

Caitlyn is trying to make Piltover and Zaun a better place. Is that not allowed? Am I missing something?

Caitlyn and Vi’s arcs have only just started. Season one is basically fully set up except for characters like silco and Jinx. This is far from the end.

Genuinely think Vander would appreciate Vi for being friends (using this term loosely because they are in love) with Caitlyn considering he was the one who was opposed to war and Vi wasn’t.

Silco should NOT be your idea of Undercity independence and respect. He oppressed the Undercity the same way the Council and the Enforcers did. He helped no one but himself, his team (barely) and Jinx.

You’re allowed to like and dislike any character you want but pretending like Silco is better for the Undercity than others is just so ridiculous to me. Everyone is of course completely allowed to like Silco, but we can’t pretend like he’s this stand up guy. If you have to pretend like he was, maybe you don’t like him as much as you think.

“Because Cait’s pretty” is also incredibly incorrect. Go check point #14.

Vi never stopped loving and caring for Powder. Powder’s mental health issues were amplified and utilized by Silco because he couldn’t even heal himself.

If all of your opinions of Caitlyn and Vi start and end with “cops suck” and “class traitor” then you genuinely don’t respect Arcane as a show enough to show you nuance.

The misinterpretation of characters is just so … it’s like you go out of your way to love and/or hate characters no matter how much they show you who you are.

Your closed mindedness is clouding your judgement and making you out to seem like you don’t actually want the Undercity’s triumph, you want Silco and Jinx’s, even if it means ruining the Undercity. And that would be fine because father/daughter evil duo but trying to say you’re all for this duo because you want what’s better for the Undercity when they continue to hurt it is simply not correct and very harmful (to fictional characters in a fictional universe 😭)

Only being able to understand how Silco and Jinx were oppressed and therefore should be able to not just destroy Piltover but also Zaun is not the eat you think it is

Why is Viktor never called a class traitor? I think he's great (I also think Silco and Jinx are wonderfully written) but we hardly saw him in the Undercity/ interact with people from the Undercity plus he killed someone (Sky) from there (accidentally)

EDIT TO ADD ANOTHER POINT: Caitlyn has shown little to NO malicious intent and has no real negative impacts other than Jinx’s attachment issues and insecurities being amplified by her mere existence. Again, this is her story and development. Throughout the season she is exposed to reality and recognizes her and her peers/ families wrongs. I have no idea what you want from this character. Should Piltover just be gotten rid of in the story? Then what? Should Caitlyn have just never gotten involved and continued to embrace her privilege? Should she have left Vi in prison and stay ignorant?

#arcane #arcane league of legends #arcane netflix #point number 32 sums it all up I think #i blocked most of the people who added and made the post so they wont see this lol #i might be overreacting or misinterpreting #maybe i didnt watch the show right #or maybe i did and some of these people are bad at this #some points are most definitely redundant #and im open to people disagreeing.... respectively lol maybe dont wish death on a character and ill hear you out #again i wouldnt dislike silco as much if he wasnt put on a pedestal by people who swear theyre all for the undercity #i wrote this kind of in anger so like sorry about that lol #anti silco #<- for tagging purposes if this is too silco critical for the people who like him #to slay or not to slay #caitvi #this is the second repost because the first two didn’t show up in the tags cuz I messed with my settings 😭😭😭

[blurredcolour]

Frostbite & Mistletoe

Summary: An extremely long shift at a Christmas tree lot brings an unexpected customer with an unusual request. Agreeing to help Austin Butler acquire a Christmas tree leads you down a path of rather unexpected events.

Pairing: Austin Butler x Gender Neutral Reader

Warnings: Language, Holiday Fluff, Christmas Trees, Car Trouble, Cold, Snow, Exhaustion, Allusions to Mental Health Struggles, Mature/Explicit Themes [Hickeys/Love Bites, Oral – m/f receiving, Condoms, Lube, Manual Stimulation – m/f receiving, Penetrative Sex] – 18+ Only

Author’s Note: This is pure fantasy! While it’s fun to think of going home with a random celebrity, please try to be more circumspect in real life! Also - Thank you for your suspension of disbelief about the weather!

Word Count: 6179

Just twenty minutes more. In twenty minutes, you would be free of the longest day of your life.

Cincinnati, Ohio was certainly not the coldest place on earth but eight hours outside in an unprotected Christmas tree lot had chilled you to the bone. It was a tradition of yours, to volunteer for a few shifts and help raise money for the children’s hospital. It had proven to be one of those winter days where the temperature dropped by the hour and the person scheduled to take over for you never showed up.

Meanwhile, the weather had done nothing to deter the steady flow of customers. So as the sky clouded over, you had agreed to stay and help the next shift until closing at eight. Nineteen minutes to go. Walking down the aisles in your bright orange hi-vis vest, you were tidying and cataloguing the remaining trees. Yet another thing on the never-ending list of shortages and inflated prices. Demand was high as everyone was throwing themselves headlong into a holiday season with every cliché trimming. It was only day one and a third of the stock was already sold.

Over-sized, fluffy snowflakes had been gently falling for the past two hours; so light that they seemed to defy gravity, hanging in the air or some even floating back upwards. If one had to pick the best kind of snow, that would have to be it. The strains of Frank Sinatra’s Christmas Waltz reached your ears for what felt like the hundredth time that day, but you were practically euphoric at the prospect of going home in eighteen minutes and allowed your feet to shuffle across the snow-covered asphalt as you waltzed along to the music.

Frosted windowpanes

Candles gleaming inside

Painted candy canes

On the tree

Seventeen minutes. Spinning dramatically, you turned up the next aisle to continue tidying and collecting inventory.

It’s that time of year

“When the world falls in love, every song you hear…”

Your feet stumbled to an awkward stop as a rich, male voice joined in with Old Blue Eyes from right behind you. You turned quickly to see what you guessed was a long, lanky man bundled up in several layers including a baseball cap, hoodie, and peacoat. A man with azure eyes that were sparkling with mirth at having caught you waltzing to Christmas music in a tree lot.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you stop…it’s just such a good song…” He grinned, the movement drawing your eyes to his plush, pink lips framed by a golden-blonde goatee.

You hugged your clipboard to your chest as though it were armour that could protect you from your mortification.

“D…do you need any assistance?” You asked, forcing a professionally pleasant expression despite your embarrassment.

“Well…” He chuckled awkwardly, pulling at his lower lip with long, chilled-looking fingers. “I do have a bit of an odd request? I really, really want a tree, but I don’t have a car…Do you do delivery at all? I’d be happy to pay…”

You stared at him, brain struggling to process his request after such a long day.

“But…how did you get here?!” You blurted and winced as maybe that was not the best tone.

“Walked…” He grinned sheepishly. “I’m in town on business and pass by here every day with my driver. I came as soon as I could, but I don’t think I can carry a whole tree back to my rental…”

You swallowed thickly, closing the distance to an appropriate conversation proximity.

“How many blocks?” You asked, looking up at him. Definitely tall.

“Maybe ten?” He cocked an eyebrow, and you felt your throat tighten as you realized you had seen that face before. On a movie screen. On a tv screen. “Look I brought $200 to make it happen, happy to donate it to the cause…well causes. Your hospital and my sanity.” His laugh rang a little hollow.

Swallowing painfully, you managed to clear your throat.

“We close in…” You glanced at your watch. “Fifteen minutes. I have a roof-rack, I can help you.” You smiled softly, hoping to cheer him a little.

The way his eyes lit up…well, like a Christmas tree…brought warmth back into the chilled cheeks. His smile was infectious, and you felt the tired muscles of your face stretch to echo his grin. You took a moment to properly introduce yourself before getting back to business.

“So…what kind of tree are you looking for?” You asked.

He shrugged with an adorable, hopeless expression and shrug of his shoulders. You could not help the laugh that tumbled from your lips.

“Long needles or short?” You started simple.

“Short, like a fake tree but real.” He nodded authoritatively.

“Ok then, let’s walk away from these scotch pines.” You chuckled and led him over to the fir trees.

Working with his description of the space he wanted to fill, you helped him choose a six-foot douglas fir. You moved to pick it up, but he beat you to it, slinging the bundled tree over his shoulder. You paused a moment to appreciate the sheer physical presence of him before swallowing again tightly and leading him up to the cashier. He handed over his two one-hundred-dollar bills to the bewildered woman who, upon your explanation, beamed and tucked it into the cash box.

You handed in your inventory list to the site leader who thanked you for working a double with a great big hug. You shook your head warmly and promised to see him again next weekend, leading Austin over to your somewhat dated, compact SUV. The snow was falling thicker now, clinging to both of your outerwear, making everything dramatically whiter as you strapped the tree to your roof-rack.

“Do you know if your rental has a hacksaw?” You asked curiously.

“Yes! Yes, I checked that. There’s a tree stand, a whole box of decorations, and everything I need…except the tree.” He beamed proudly and you felt warmth emanating from your chest.

“And you’ve fixed that now too. Hop in.” You shook off some of the snow and slid into the driver’s seat as he did the same, sliding in across from you.

The vehicle seemed just as tired as you, the engine turning over sluggishly before it finally roared to life, and you found yourself able to exhale the breath you’d been holding. You cranked the heat before heading out into the rapidly accumulating snow.

“Well, I guess it’s fully winter now…” You muttered and followed his directions to a small home fairly close to downtown.

As your limbs began to thaw, a bone-deep ache of exhaustion bloomed throughout your body. You could not wait to crawl into the tub and stay there for hours, topping up the hot water as needed. You pulled into the driveway. Perched on the doorsills, the two of you worked together to untie the tree before you jumped down to help ease the tree to the ground as he slid it off the back. The angle cause all the accumulated snow on the tree to cascade onto your head and down the gap at the back of your collar. The pathetic gasp was completely involuntary, causing him to leap down and quickly take the tree, looking you over.

“Are you alright?!” He asked, resting the weight of it against his body and gently dusted the snow from your head and shoulders. “I’m so sorry…”

You smiled up at him wearily and shook your head.

“I should have seen that coming…” You sighed ruefully and carried the tree up to the porch.

Making sure the stand was ready in the living room, you held the tree as he cut a slice off the bottom of the trunk, under your instructions. You could tell he wasn’t the most natural handyman, but precision was not a huge concern here. Using the screws in the stand, you made sure the tree was standing up straight before filling the well with fresh water.

“You need to water it every day.” You instructed him as you ensured the heating vent behind the tree was closed. “And never leave the lights on when you’re not home.”

“Thank you.” He smiled as he saw you back out to your car. “Really, you have saved the holidays for me, thank you.” He repeatedly earnestly and held his arms open. “May I give you a hug?” He asked before sinking his teeth into his lower lip.

You regarded him with wide eyes for a moment before nodding shyly as you looked to the side and shuffled forward into those open arms. He wrapped them around you tightly, surrounding you in warmth and the heady scent of cinnamon and black pepper. Your exhaustion had you forgetting all sense of propriety as you leaned into his chest with a deep, contented sigh. You’d never fit so well into someone’s arms before…

With one last squeeze, he pulled back slightly.

“I should let you get home; you must be exhausted.” He smiled gently and you nodded, dumbstruck at how truly gorgeous this man was.

“I’m crawling into a hot bath and staying there until tomorrow.” You managed to murmur and tensed as you realized you were close enough to feel, as well as see, the warm puffs of air falling from his lips. “Have a good night.” You said quickly as you pulled back and waved somewhat awkwardly before climbing into the car.

As that sluggish, shuddering sound emanated from your engine once more, your initial reaction was denial. It worked last time, you just needed to try again. And again. And…and then it wasn’t even making a sound at all. You pressed your forehead to the steering wheel, taking deep calming breaths as the temptation to just cry was overwhelming. Thankfully you remembered your AAA membership and quickly dug out your phone and membership card.

Austin knocked on your window and you rolled it down.

“I’m gonna call for a boost…” You sighed and dialed the number on the back of the card.

“Come inside before you get frostbite…” He insisted, opening your door. You sighed as the recorded voice assured you ‘your call is important to us’ and followed him in without argument. It was nowhere near cold enough for frostbite, but his concern was genuine and touching.

You sat at the kitchen island and quietly watched him get a kettle boiling as the overly cheerful hold music played in your ear. As he shucked off his winter coat and pulled off his hoodie, you gulped audibly at the peek of his tanned, toned abdomen as his white t-shirt caught on the fabric.

“Put it on speaker, I don’t mind. Let me take your coat so you can warm up properly.” He smiled and held out his hand as you quietly obeyed. You could not help but watch the way his bicep bunched at the weight of your sodden jacket.

“Hello this is John speaking, how may I help you?” A human voice suddenly filled the room and you fumbled with the phone to answer as he took your coat to hang it up to dry.

“Six hours?!” You cried out incredulously at the service estimate and the agent issued a litany of apologies. You were furious and seriously questioning why you paid for this service, but poor John sounded just as tired as you felt, and you knew it wasn’t his fault. “Ok, thanks.” You ended the call and looked to Austin pathetically as he filled two mugs with tea bags and boiling water.

“Must be the cold and all the snow out there…” He murmured sympathetically.

“Yeah, I guess. I’ll get a cab or something and come back when they call.” You opened your ride share app and gasped at the wait times. Your last-ditch effort was the taxi app, but the fare estimate was murder.

Sliding a mug of tea to you, Austin leaned in.

“This is entirely my fault, please. Please just stay here until they can come.” He looked up at you pleading through his lashes. “There isn’t a tub but there’s a shower and I can get your clothes dry and…”

You blinked back tears of frustration yet again and took a shaky breath. The snow dump that had covered you had now melted in the warmth of his rental and had water dripping from the ends of your hair onto your shirt. Completely disarmed by cold and fatigue, you were helpless against that look. That pleading.

“Ok…” You breathed meekly and sniffed. “Sorry, it’s just been a hell of a day…” You apologized, gesturing at tears that had snuck into your eyes despite your best efforts.

He pulled you in for another reassuring hug and you sighed warmly.

“No apologies” He smiled and stepped back, holding out his hand. “C’mon, shower’s this way.”

You took it slowly with yours, marveling at the way his warm skin completely enveloped yours, making you shiver deeply.

“You’re freezing…” He frowned and tugged you to your feet before leading you quickly down the hall, past the stairs. “Robe for you to wear, stay as long as you like. Lock on the door too.” He touched the items as he mentioned them before stepping out to leave you in peace.

Stripping off your wet clothes, you stepped into the warm spray of the shower with a deep moan, not being mindful of your volume at all. It just felt far too good. You shuffled back to sit on the shower bench and let your skin soak in the warm water. After a good ten minutes you finally felt the ache and tension leave your muscles. Coming to your feet, you borrowed whatever was in the shower to wash your hair and body before you turned off the water. Stepping out in a cloud of steam, you towelled off before pulling your underclothes back on, putting the robe on top.

Carrying your damp clothes, you rejoined him in the kitchen, smiling softly to see him ladling hot soup into bowls.

“That was a lot shorter than I thought you’d be.” He smiled. “But I’ve got dinner ready!”

“Truly, this is beyond generous, thank you very, very much.” You shook your head in awe.

“Here let me put those in the dryer really quick. You eat.” He set a bowl and spoon on the counter and snagged your clothes before disappearing downstairs.

Sitting down, you dug in happily, groaning a little a how hungry you suddenly realized you were. You’d eaten nearly half before he reappeared to join you, chuckling and giving you a few pieces of bread to mop up every last drop. He sat beside you, eating his own bowl as you leaned heavily on the counter, making small talk about the weather or something. Honestly, now that you were fed and warm, you found it quite difficult to keep your eyes open.

“Why don’t we go sit on the couch…” He offered generously and you nodded, shuffling after him.

You grabbed the thick, cozy blanket that was draped over the back of it and wrapped it around your legs before sitting down carefully. Through your drooping eyelids as you watched him turn on the gas fireplace.

“So how long do I have to wait to decorate again?” He asked as he sat down at the other end of the couch.

Inhaling through your nose while rolling your shoulders back, you tried to wake yourself.

“A couple of hours. The branches will relax, and you’ll smell the pine when it’s ready.” You nodded before giving in to the temptation to rest your head back against the couch. You briefly felt a surge of guilt as you had a fleeting recognition that you were falling asleep but were too far gone to do a thing about it.

The sound of soft curses, muttered under Austin’s breath, sunk into your consciousness and your eyes flashed open. You were fully curled up on the couch, tucked under the blanket, and Austin was fighting with a tangled string of tree lights on the floor before you.

“Shit, I’m so sorry…” You hastily apologized and sat up.  “How long was I asleep?”

He glanced at you before clearing his throat and looking back to the task before him. You glanced down at the gaping robe and quickly covered yourself, pulling the belt tight again.

“A couple. Don’t worry about it, I had some work to do. But now, now it’s time to decorate this tree. As long as I can get these untangled.” He muttered bitterly and you carefully slid to your knees on the floor across from him.

“Let me help.” You smiled softly and worked patiently at the various snags until all the lights were stretched out and ready to wrap the tree.

You looked over to it, smiling as it did indeed look perfectly ready to decorate.

“You picked a very nice one.” You carried the first string over to begin weaving the lights through the branches.

He beamed brightly and you were grateful that the tree bore the brunt of that blinding smile. For two people who had only met a few hours before, there was remarkably no sniping, and no heated comments as you worked together on a typically frustrating task. You were about halfway up the tree, and thus far your soundtrack had been Austin humming snippets of an assortment of holiday songs. The brief contact of his fingers against yours as you handed off the string of lights caused shivers of electricity to flash across your skin. You snuck glances at his profile while he was busily weaving the lights on his side of the tree, and felt, more than saw, him doing the same – the heat of his gaze tingling along your skin. He always looked away when you raised your head, however. That is until his eyes deliberately sought yours through the curtain of pine needles.

“May I ask you a question?” He asked solemnly.

His tone of voice was so serious it made you hesitate, uncertain if you were honestly awake enough to engage in a meaningful conversation while half-inserted into a tree. Straightening your back, you nodded, trying to convince yourself that there was little he could ask that would be truly catastrophic.

“Sure” You nodded, hoping your tone registered as light and care-free.

“Do you consider Die Hard to be a Christmas movie?” He continued in that serious tone but that spark of mischief was back in those sapphire eyes.

You stared at him, jaw slack, stunned. Leaning around the tree, trying to read if this was a joke of not, you saw his lips trembling with the effort not to smirk.

“I was fully prepared for you to ask me something….I don’t know, sensitive?!” You exclaimed with a guffaw of laughter.

“Some people find this a very sensitive topic!” He countered before losing control of his face and breaking out into giggles.

You could not help but join in, letting your head fall back as your laughter came from deep inside you, somehow erasing a large portion of your disgruntlement over the events of your no-good, terrible day. Eventually you were able to contain yourself and you cleared your throat before answering.

“Absolutely. It takes place during a Christmas party, features Christmas music, and Hans Gruber even says ‘ho ho ho’” You nodded emphatically.

“Ho, ho, ho” He grinned as he delivered a very convincing impersonation of Alan Rickman’s German accent.

After the laughter subsided you tilted your head.

“In that same vein….Is Hallelujah a Christmas song?” The lights were winding higher and it was a bit of a stretch for you….not for him though.

“Absolutely not.” He replied firmly, lips drawing into a thin line as he shook his head. “It’s literally about an intense and painful relationship. Nothing festive. Not even in the same orbit as the holidays.”

You nodded in agreement.

“This tree-decorating partnership can continue.” You grinned. “Though, I might just be support at this point.” You commented as he easily wrapped the lights all the way to the top before plugging the string into the star.

“Now we see how it looks!” He said excitedly, turning off the overhead light before plugging in the tree.

The glow of the multi-coloured lights was a comforting as a hug from each one of your holiday memories delivered directly to your heart.

“Incredible…” He sighed contentedly and you nodded, somewhat speechless.

You turned to look up at him, recalling that sense of heavy sadness he’d had when discussing his sanity back in the tree lot, and swallowed to see hit tanned face lit by both the tree and the firelight. He was a work of art come to life before your very eyes. The lines of worry had also eased across his features, leaving an adorable exuberance. You had a feeling that the duality of this man could easily obsess scholars for centuries…

So deep in your own thoughts you were, that you did not notice that his own eyes were tracing your features in turn, a contemplative expression falling over his face.

“Are you up to some more decorating?” He asked softly and you watched the way his lips caressed the words he spoke.

“Mmmmhm” You intoned, biting your lip at the hum of desire in your lower abdomen.

The glare of passing headlights beaming through the front window jarred you from your state and you cleared your throat, quickly kneeling to unpack the rest of the decorations from the box. You had already thrown caution to the wind and put yourself in a very vulnerable position with a total, albeit famous, stranger. There was no need to make it more complicated…despite the throb between your thighs.

“Definitely a coordinated person’s decorations…” You chuckled softly as you pulled eight boxes of matching Christmas ornaments in neutral shades.

Kneeling down across you he chuckled softly.

“Given how they decorated the rest of the house, this does not surprise me at all.” He hung a couple of them on his fingers before taking them to the tree to continue decorating.

Collecting your own assortment, you focused on the lower branches, being sure to reach in and hang some closer to the trunk to give the tree dimension. You did not notice the way the branches of the tree pulled at the robe, loosening it once more. Nor the way that it slipped off your shoulder as you knelt over the remaining boxes of ornaments, opening them up for ease of access. That is, until he knelt beside you, tracing the backs of his fingers across your shoulder and down your bicep. You shivered softly as his touch raised goosebumps in its wake.

“Mmmm sorry…” He murmured and leaned in to press an apologetic kiss to your skin with lips that felt just as soft as you had imagined. “Your skin just looks so soft…” He whispered, the tickle of his facial hair making you gasp raggedly.

As his eyes snapped to yours at that sound, a thrill of heat ran through you at their noticeably darker appearance. His lips stretched into something markedly predatory as he raised an eyebrow before slowly raising his eyes to the ceiling above you. You hesitated a moment before tilting your head back to follow his gaze, your entire body freezing at the sight of a swag of artificial mistletoe hanging from the light fixture. Leaning in, you felt his goatee tickle against your ear.

“Caught you…” He murmured.

The way his lips and warm breath caressed your skin made you tremble from head to toe. A choked-off sigh fell from his lips, and you turned your face towards his, noses brushing due to his proximity. Your eyes flicked up to his before falling back to his lips. You’d done the ‘right’ thing all damn day and it had led to an accidental double and a dead car. Now? Now you were going to do what you wanted.

“Better kiss me…don’t want any more bad luck…” You breathed shakily.

“Very true…” He whispered in return, hands rising to frame your face as he leaned in to close the last few inches of distance between you.

With a tilt of his head, he fit his lips firmly against yours. Your eyelids fluttered closed at the silky warmth of his mouth, your body turning towards his full as you reached up to cup his cheeks in return. He pulled back a little, looking over your face as your heavy breaths mingled in the space between you. You glanced up at his eyes briefly before pulling his lips back against yours, sighing happily. Licking at the seam of his lips, your tongue begged entrance.

He grunted happily and hungrily greeted your tongue with his, one hand traveling down your throat and over your shoulder to press against the flesh of your back beneath the robe, pulling you closer. You raised up on your knees to correct the height differential and raked your hands through his carefully tousled hair. You delighted in carding your hands through it, disordering it completely. A mutual need for air had your lips parting and you quickly pressed wet, open-mouthed kisses along his sharp jawline and down his neck to lap at the hollow of his throat.

With a soft growl, and eager arch of his neck, his hands moved to grasp the backs of your thighs and haul you up to straddle his lap. You whimpered against his damp skin and licked a wide stripe up along his adam’s apple back towards his lips. He caught your lips in a searing kiss, tongue pressing into your mouth eagerly, making you both hum happily at the delicious feeling of his wet muscle sliding against yours.

Wriggling a little, you encouraged the robe to gape open completely, allowing you to settle fully against the growing bulge in his jeans. His fingers slid up under the edges of the robe to grip at the skin of your hips, chest rumbling eagerly as you undulated against him. Pulling back, your chest heaved as you mewled at the feel of his teeth nibbling at your lower lip. Gripping at his shoulders, you ground against him with more intent, shivering as you felt his hands yanking at the knot in the robe’s sash. You dropped your hands to help him slide it completely from your body.

Supporting your spine with his forearm, he swept the ornament boxes to the side and lay you back on the plush rug. You stared up at him in awe as the glow of the fire caressed his features from behind you while the Christmas lights painted a riot of colour onto him from the side.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous…” You let the thoughts tumble from your lips without even trying to hold back.

You watched as he drank in your figure, only your underclothes obscuring his view, thumb and forefinger pinching and pulling at his lower lip.

“Bold words from a heavenly creature like yourself…” He whispered in a hushed sort of awe before covering your body with his, suckling your collarbone as his free hand traced along the planes of your chest and abdomen.

Arching into his touch needily, you began to gather the back of his t-shirt into your fists, pulling the hem higher before you tugged it up to his shoulders. He rose up briefly to shed the interfering cotton before quickly divesting you of your underclothes, baring you completely to his heated gaze.

“To think I got to unwrap you under my Christmas tree.” He grinned lopsidedly, eyes twinkling with that mischief as you rolled your own playfully at his seasonal corniness.

Chuckling to himself, he dragged his lips along your collarbone before kissing down your sternum. He briefly diverted to flick his tongue across each of your nipples before he continued his journey down your body. The muscles of your abdomen flinched at the tickle of his facial hair, making you chuckle breathlessly. His eyes, now nearly black as his pupils had devoured the blue of his irises, watched your face intently as he skipped over the desperate place that wanted his touch the most before pressing his lips to your right knee cap. His long fingers wrapped around the outside of your thighs and gently, yet insistently, parted your legs.

Sealing his lips around the tender flesh of your inner thigh, he sucked at your skin eagerly, drawing a shuddering gasp from beneath your breastbone.

“Austin…” You exhaled the extra oxygen that had brought into your lungs, fingers once again twining into his sandy locks.

He fairly purred against you before pulling back, licking his lips as he turned his head to treat your other thigh to the same, if only a little closer to where you really wanted his mouth. His fingers massaged your outer thighs as he sucked a series of deep purple marks higher and higher on your inner thighs until you were quivering with need.

“Please…” You keened and tugged on his hair as you felt his hot, damp exhales against the source of your pleasure, back arching and hips squirming as you ached for his mouth.

“Who am I to deny you…” He replied, voice roughened by desire before he, at last, lay his mouth against you.

Your anguished moan echoed through the room as you clenched your eyes shut tightly, chest heaving, breaths harsh. His hands wrapped around your hips, holding them down as they were bucking against his face needily. The familiar tingling began to blossom at the base of your spine, making your toes curl and heels dig into the rug.

“I’…I’m close…Austin!” You gasped out and then whimpered as he pulled his mouth away, eyes flashing open to watch him lick at his goatee-framed lips.

“Just wait right here…” He rasped; voice notably deeper.

He pressed a brief but fierce kiss to your lips before rising to his feet. You gnawed on your lower lip at the distinct outline of his cock in his jeans before he disappeared up the stairs. He was not gone a full minute before he returned with a bottle of lube at the telltale foil packet of a condom.  Pushing yourself up with unsteady arms, you reached out to take said items from him to free up his hands. Setting them aside you waited until he stretched out on the rug beside you before pushing him to his back, pining him by straddling his hips as you kissed him hungrily.

He groaned hungrily into kiss as you ground along the length of him through his jeans before sliding back onto his thighs and working his belt and fly open. Inserting your fingers into the waistband of his boxers, you raised up to strip him entirely in one greedy motion, tossing the clothing aside as you settled back onto his thighs. Drinking in the sight of his needy cock, you picked up the bottle of lube, delighting in the way his length twitched as you drizzled it with the slick substance.

Your name fell from his lips needily as he gripped your thighs, hips straining towards you, raised from the rug. You swallowed thickly as you wrapped your hand around his girth, rutting against his thighs at the noise of pure sin that emanated from his throat. You could not get enough of the way expressions of pleasure flitted across his features as you traced his tip with your thumb before sliding your fist up and down the length of him torturously slow. His breathing was beginning to shallow, abdominal muscles trembling when you pulled your hand back. A taste of his own medicine while also ensuring he would last long enough to put that impressive cock inside you.

His eyes flashed open with a slight glare, but he sat up and grabbed the sides of your jaw, pulling you close for a sloppy kiss full of teeth and tongues. Groping blindly, you managed to locate a pillow on the couch and pulled it down to set it on the ground beside him, pulling back to stretch out on your front, hips propped up on said pillow as you looked at him meaningfully.

He did not need any further instruction, taking the lube in hand as he coated his fingers before easing them into your entrance with thoughtful patience.

“Fuck, look at you all needy and on offer for me…” He groaned and you pressed your forehead into the rug, shuddering with a groan of your own as he worked you open, preparing you for his sizeable length.

He pulled his fingers from you, and you canted your hips back, chasing the feeling as you glanced back at him over your shoulder. You watched with hooded eyes as he carefully rolled the protective latex over his cock, pumping it a few times indulgently, before stretching out over your body. Sinking into you slowly, inch by inch, you moan deeply at the stretch and fullness of him.

“Oh Austin!” You cried out, curling your fingers into rug.

“I know, oh fuck, I know” He panted, hands pressing into the backs of yours, fingers sliding between yours once he was seated inside you fully.

You felt his nose nuzzling against the nape of your neck, hips rocking against yours and, in turn, rocking the source of your pleasure into the pillow. You felt that same sucking pressure now against the back of your neck as he slowly slid out before quickly sliding back into you, leaving yet another mark on your body. Keeping your legs tightly together by squeezing them between his knees, he made sure you felt every single ridge and bulging vein of him as his rhythmic thrusts drove you both closer and closer toward release.

Each snap of his hips against yours had your body rocking forward, the rug applying delicious friction to your nipples, ripping pathetic whimpers and keens from you as your thighs between to quiver between his knees.

“You’re…going to…?” He panted against the damp mark on your neck, letting his teeth graze the sensitive skin.

“S’close.” You slurred in the plush fabric beneath you, arching back tightly against his torso.

“Oh yes…please…please…cum…for me….”He rambled, punctuating every few words with an insistent thrust of his hips that had your legs drumming against the floor as your release broke over you in waves of shimmering colour behind your eyelids and a nonsensical wail that ripped from your throat.

Pressing his face into the crook of your shoulder, his thrusts became erratic and sharper until he came with a hoarse cry of your name, rutting against you as he filled the condom. You could feel him trembling from head to toe above you, yet he still managed to carefully pull out and roll to the side before collapsing on the rug between you and the tree.

Resting your cheek against the rug, you drank in his debauched form, painted in ethereal, multicoloured light. Extracting the destroyed pillow from beneath you, you tossed it aside and shuffled to lay on your side next to him. Gently, you freed him from the condom, tying it closed and struggling to your feet to dispose of it in the washroom. Grabbing the blanket from the couch on your return, you cuddled up next to him, wrapping your still-trembling bodies in warmth.

He grinned at you warmly, kissing your forehead. You thought he might fall asleep, but instead he began asking you questions about your life in Cincinnati – job, friends, family, holiday traditions… You grinned a little as you were definitely doing this get-to-know-you thing in the wrong order, but you were happy to answer and ask him questions in kind. You ended up talking for hours in the low light, his fingers tracing the features of your face endlessly. Whenever his fingertips neared your lips, you would press a soft kiss to them. You did not notice who fell asleep first, though it was most likely you. The sounds of your phone ringing, however, jarred you both away in the deep, pre-dawn darkness. You struggled a little to answer it, blinking your brain into focus as a voice on the other end was saying something about your service call arriving soon…Groggily, you asked them to repeat the message before it clicked.

“Oh!” You exclaimed at the sudden return of cognitive function.

Looking down at the drowsy man beside you, his fingers stroking along your arm warmly, you swallowed and shook your head before remembering you needed to speak to communicate during a phone call.

“No longer needed, sorry I didn’t call sooner…no not at all…thank you…” You ended the call and turned to Austin as he sat up and kissed your shoulder warmly. “Bed?” You asked and he nodded quickly, helping you to your feet. You turned off the tree and the fireplace, before the pair of you headed up the stairs where you remained for the next twelve hours.

#austin butler x you #austin butler x reader #austin butler x y/n #austin butler x gn!reader #austin butler fic #austin butler imagine #austin butler smut #reader #y/n #reader insert #christmas imagine #holiday imagines #austin butler #blurredcolour

[morbethgames]

New S. Ryder POV Story Up On Patreon

Hey everyone, it’s me again. No chapter update yet, but I am here to say that there’s a POV extra story that you can get an early look at that’s available on my Patreon.

Samuel Ryder - The Morning of the Funeral POV

This is a special extra story because it not only shows you Ryder’s struggle with their mutation, but also the struggle with their mental health. I think it’s also important for people to read because, for people who don’t suffer from these issues or haven’t known people who suffer from these issues, spirals like this can happen. Especially if they’re born from something so cataclysmic as what Ryder and the rest of the team has been through.

The next update is well in the works, still shooting for it to be out by the end of this month if I can swing it. Thank you all for being patient, and thank you all for supporting. I’m going to take a nice long break for the rest of the day after writing that POV.

Just remember; please remember: you are not alone. No matter what you’re going through. You are not alone.

Stay Brilliant,

-Vi

#interactive fiction #the bureau #interactive novel #writing #wip #work in progress #original story #choicescript #sarah ryder #samuel ryder #mental health #books and reading #reading #patreon #indie author #indie dev #indie game #interactive games #short stories #short story

[mrs-barnes-rogers-writes]

Pretty As A Picture - Chapter 2

Marvel

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader x Bucky Barnes

Summary: When Bucky fell from the train, their soulmate was told he was gone. When Steve Rogers disappeared into the ice, their soulmate was again told one her soulmates were gone. But she didn't believe it. Couldn't believe it. Committed to a mental health institute, she dies of a broken heart. That's at least what the hidden S.H.I.E.LD files say, but if that's the case than why is there a photo of her. A photo that shows her side by side two redhaired Avengers.

Chapter Summary: Bucky doesn't need to know how to print a photo, but he needs to know why his dead soulmate is in the one he's looking at.

Chapter Warning: Mentions of death, sad Bucky. Mentions of vomiting.

Bucky felt like his stomach was going to full out his ass. He slowly rose from picking up the photo, feeling like he’d met his stomach on the way back up.

“How?” He asked, voice breaking as he spoke.

“How what James?” Asked Wanda, brow furrowed as she picked up on his distress.

“How? The photo? How?”

“Wanda took the photo on her phone, it was then sent by a wireless connection to the printer. Would you like us to show you how it works?” replied Vision.

“It’s not that Vis, I don’t think? James?”

Bucky felt his confusion boil over into anger. Did the synthezoid really think he didn’t know how to print a picture? He’d lived in Wakanda, the most advanced country in the world for a year and these idiots think he can’t work a damn printer and a phone.

“Not the damn phone! The photo! How do you have a photo? A photo of her?!?” Bucky’s frustration aimed at Wanda. Vision not taking too kindly to his raised voice being aimed at Wanda, stepped towards him, placing himself slightly in front of her.

“Sergeant Barnes, I’m going to ask you to calm down.”

“Vis, it’s Ok.” She replied stepping around him “James, the photograph? She looks like someone you know?”

Wanda didn’t really need to ask. Bucky’s stoic behaviour usually caused him to block his emotions and feelings from Wanda reading him but now they were fully on show and streaming out of him. She couldn’t not see them. A reaction like this meant one thing. Soulmates.

Bucky nodded tears beginning to rundown his cheeks.

“How do you have this? How do you have her on a photo?”

“Her? Who do you think this is?” She asked pointing at the woman in the photo with herself and Nat.

“She's ours. She’s my soulmate. Our soulmate.” He answered.

Even with his super soldier hearing, so caught up in seeing his lost soulmate, Bucky was oblivious that the rest of the team were now standing behind him. Including Steve.

“What? Buck what are you talking about?” Asked Steve.

Bucky turned towards Steve his hand shaking as he passed him the photo.

“How is this possible? How?”

Natasha’s eyes caught a glimpse of the photo he was holding, discreetly side eyeing Wanda who nodded.

“Anyone want to bring me up to speed here?” asked Tony, trying to catch a glimpse of the photo. Bruce did the same, recognising all of the people pictured immediately.

“Well, that’s Natasha, that’s Wanda and that’s…..wait what’s going on? When did you meet her?” Bruce asked Steve.

“Okay, well I’m no more informed with Bruce’s explanation. Ladies want to enlighten us?”

Nobody answered as Steve headed towards Wanda, eyeing her stack her photos.

“Do you have more?”

Wanda nodded, flicking through the others and pulling out another picture. The same figure this time front and centre, holding a stick of candyfloss. Grinning like it’s the best thing in the world. Natasha is in the background with an expression that is very Natasha, slight smirk, slight eyebrow raise. Wanda thought it captured both your personalities perfectly.

“Here.” She passed the photo to Steve. He let out a choked sob, pushing the photo toward Bucky, rushing into the bathroom, the sound of heaving heard before the door closed.

Unable to hold his simmering emotions anymore, Bucky sank to the floor, clutching the photo and sobbed.

#steve rogers x reader #avengers au #bucky barnes #steve rogers #bucky barnes x reader #avengers #steve x reader x bucky #soulmate au #avengers soulmate au #steve rogers x reader x bucky

[capybaraonabicycle]

Do you ever think about the difference between River's and Clara's trust in the Doctor? The polar opposites they are? I know I've made the joke before that Clara would expect a sunset to admire her back. But it's more than that.

On the one hand we have River's

And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me!

And then on the other hand there's Clara's

I don't know [where the Doctor is]. But I know where he will be. Where he will always be. If the Doctor is still the Doctor, he will have my back. (Clara reaches behind her.) I'm right, aren't I? Go on. Please, please, go on, say I'm right.

(I mean, there is some slight hesitation on Clara's side but honestly only because the Doctor has just regenerated. If she was talking about 11, that last part would look differently.)

You notice something? They are saying almost exactly the opposite thing.

And neither of them are wrong. Both are just direct consequences of how the Doctor treats them, of how they act vis-a-vis them.

River is used to them failing her, leaving her, pushing her away. She has also seen the Doctor at their lowest when they fail other people, forget them and she has literally studied their behaviour at uni. Plus, she is an independent time traveller. You bet (and the eu will tell you) she has been in numerous situations where there was no Doctor whatsoever to save her and she had to do it on her own. And then there is the whole guilt thing that flows both ways. With the Doctor ruining her childhood and her killing him several times. And then giving her lives to save them.

Clara has seen them at their worst, too, or at least she will. But she is used to being above that. She is used to being the ONE, the main focus of the Doctor's attention. She does not really remember the times they couldn't save her, and anyway, that was not 'her', not really. She only travels with the Doctor, she is used to them always being around and being fixated on her. Plus, you know, the whole showing off to her, flirting with her, wearing a face she would like. Also, she has only recently understood that she doesn't know the Doctor that well and she needs the reassurance here that they still ARE focused on her.

And that behaviour of the Doctor again is just a direct action of how the Doctor - who is doomed to lose everyone they love, who hates goodbyes - meets River and Clara:

River, the woman who dies on their first encounter. Who he has already lost. Whose death is already hurting and will hurt more and more the closer they let her towards their hearts.

Clara, the woman who lived. Who died again and again but came back to them anyway, the woman who gave him hope when the Ponds were gone because maybe this was one person he did not have to lose.

Also, and that is interesting about the scenes, too: River is a diamond and Clara has blown in on a leaf. They are both afraid here, but it's different. River is more angry, and a little smug, because she already knows a way out. Clara is terrified. Like, she is doing amazing here, don't get me wrong, but she is basically at wits end and think she will die.

And that can also be seen in how the Doctor treats them.

They trust River to handle herself. Even when they don't trust HER, they always let her do the dangerous stuff. Not the suicidal one, if they can help it, but they have seen her jump down skyscrapers; they'll let her storm into danger and expect her to be fine. (Also because they already know this is not when she dies. And honestly, we as the audience tend to do the same, I never worried much about River's safety, much more about her mental health.)

And Clara is fully human. Whenever they can, they try to keep her out of danger, do the dangerous stuff themselves; just like they do with most companions.

It is absolutely no surprise to me how differently the Doctor behaves towards them and how differently they know them in consequence. Is it fair to either of them? No. But in my mind it makes perfect sense.

It also obviously has something to do with the fact that Clara considers herself a goddess, basically and River knows she's a goddess but also believes it's the goddess of chaos and despotism.

#river song #clara oswald #Found this in my drafts so here you go #Don't know if anyone has made this point before /anyone cares #It's also not really finished but anyway #I'd rather have it on my blog than in my drafts

[sandraharissa]

So a normal average person engaging with arcane and seeing the conflict pertaining Jinx as ‘monstrous’ vs ‘healthy’ sees the situation in like, the normal way these things really work but I don’t think this outlook should be projected onto the characters.

This meta is motivated by me remembering how ppl would often frame the conflict between Vi and Silco as ‘Vi wants Jinx to be healthy and Silco wants her to be monstrous’ and honestly idk why I didn’t write this earlier, I guess I didn’t care cos there were a lot of bad takes flying around back then but I wanna talk about it now.

My thesis is that both Silco and Vi want Jinx to change in some ways and the simple way of saying it is ‘come out Powder’/’Powder must die’ but I’d argue another way of describing the conflict is seeing Jinx’s mental issues and not seeing them, but in opposite ways ig.

It’s a bizarre take to say Silco doesn’t see or understand Jinx’s issues or that he doesn’t want to solve them. The shared trauma is literally the basis for their bond and overcoming trauma is literally at the core of Silco’s ideology. Silco is the character who’s shown to be the most aware of Jinx’s issues and who helps her the most. He in his lair surrounded himself in water and Jinx in her lair surrounds herself with memorabilia of her family, both things that would trigger them but this environment shows that they exposure therapy-ed their way through it. Jinx gets a PTSD flashback from tinkering with the arcane and she goes to Silco for comfort and he takes her to where he suffered his trauma and literally gives her a pep talk about becoming a stronger person and it works! and Jinx goes back to tinkering with the arcane unafraid, and of course the finale where he seems aware that Jinx is in distress while Vi isn’t. Then there’s other things like how she helps him take shimmer or her space in the rafters, both things that would convey that she is needed and trusted, so things that would appease her insecurities and abandonment issues. These are small things but they convey that Silco is aware of Jinx’s issues and models their relationship and environment in order to adjust it to her needs. So basically Silco wants Jinx to be monstrous AND healthier cos he perceives these as the same thing. Based on his dialogue being a monster = being stronger = being a new person = not being the old, weak and afraid person = overcoming your traumatic past.

Conversely Vi has a lot of throwaway lines like ‘and I thought Powder could get obsessed’ and also just from her behavior in act 1, even tho we can already tell smth is wrong with Powder Vi seems oblivious to it, or she underestimates how bad it is. She gives her advice but it seems like general advice one would give to any younger sibling. Powder has a violent panic attack (? or maybe meltdown?) and it seems Vi didn’t anticipate it, she never sees it happen and then after the fact she never learns it even happened. When they’re little we the audience take notice of how Powder has no reaction to their parents’ corpses but Vi doesn’t. We the audience see her excitedly waiting for her bomb to pepper a teenager with nails but Vi doesn’t. And so Vi has these memories of Powder as being just a normal little girl and that there was nothing wrong about her, and seeing Jinx of course she initially assumes Jinx faked loyalty in order to survive only to switch to believing Silco got her brainwashed and mind-controlled so bad that she has to physically remove Jinx from his presence/influence to get through to her, the REAL her. She essentially wrongly assumes Powder used to be ‘normal’ and works off of that false assumption, and imo that’s a huge part of the sisters’ misunderstanding. She sees Jinx enjoy violence but I highly doubt Vi sees this and like the audience thinks of possible diagnosis, I think what she thinks/notices is that her sister acts immorally, so it’s less about her health and more about morals, ‘this is bad cos my sister’s kinda a bad person now, Silco corrupted her’. The tricky thing here are the hallucinations, several times Jinx speaks to no one and Vi has no reaction whatsoever to this and so it’s hard to judge why that is but my thinking is that she’s just too stressed out and overwhelmed in these situations to address this. Cos it’s not like Vi ever has a line like ‘I need to take Powder away from Silco cos he treats her so badly she has hallucinations now’ so like I said, no reaction to the hallucinations in the moment and then later she never has any thoughts about them like she didn’t even notice. And then we’ve got the finale where she triggers Jinx and doesn’t even know it.

But obvs it’s not a one person is completely wrong and another is completely right situation. 

Silco’s understanding of Powder’s mental health issues and his own experience make him think that Jinx’s ‘monstrous’ aspects are good actually, the exact same way he thinks about himself, he in his mind likely equates them, the cruelty, the lack of empathy, the power-seeking to a sense of independence, protection from further trauma, protection from panic attacks etc. so he completely lacks understanding of Jinx’s issues (that maybe aren’t directly a matter of mental illnesses depending on whether you interpret Jinx to have APD but influence her mental state negatively anyway).

Meanwhile Vi has no understanding of all of the mental health issues Powder suffered from however that also makes it extremely clear to her when she comes back that there’s smth wrong with her sister. So even tho she never talks about ‘Powder getting better’, so again from Vi’s pov it’s not about mental health, she has great understanding that Jinx’s current issues are issues that need solving.

So de facto the whole ‘retrieving Powder’ vs ‘letting Powder die’ boils down to removing the part of Jinx/Powder that’s bad for her and based on the characters’ different perspectives on Jinx they want her to either move on from the trauma that was being Powder or erase the corruption of the Jinx persona.

Obvs both are wrong <3, Vi idealizes the image of Powder, her sister, and Silco idealizes the image of Jinx, his daughter, and right now they’re in competition over her and they’re not about to lose lol.

#jinx #silco #vi #arcane #team jinx #my:arcane

[just-doing-lesbian-things]

Jinx and her Braids -- Meta Pt. II

I already wrote an in-character analysis about Jinx's braids, and a lot of people pointed out that the two braids represent the two persona's she's split between (Powder vs Jinx), and with Jinx's voice actress admitting that some of her lines were written into the script as Powder, and some as Jinx... it seems so plausible. And it got me thinking... if the two braids are her different personas, then her choices to interact with them could tell us things about where her mental health is at in that moment. But then I had to ask:

Do we ever see Jinx intentionally interact with her braids?

We have so many gorgeous fanarts of Jinx swinging her braids like a toy, wrapping them around Ekko (in Timebomb fanart), using them as rope to pull things closer to her--all stuff you'd think an agent of chaos would do if she had rope-stim-toys attached to her head, but does Jinx herself ever actually do any of that in Arcane canon?

Sure, we get beautiful moments like this:

where Jinx and her braids are doing things--but she's not intentionally doing interacting with her braid here. Her braid is reacting and wrapping around her arm itself. (Almost like it has a mind of its own)

If someone can think of a moment where Jinx intentionally interacts with her braids, please pip up because otherwise this analysis is going to get very detailed because:

If Jinx's braids are the manifestation of her split personas, but she never intentionally interacts with them, then that means every (unintentional) interaction she has with them is a symbol from the animators about what is happening in the war between her personas.

Even in that above gif, we see one braid wrapping around her while the other falls out of frame. Under my theorized lens, this could translate to one persona becoming euphorically dominant while the other is being left behind. (With the context of the scene: Jinx is becoming more fully integrated and Powder (and all her baggage) is finally being left behind).

I even think we can track which braid is doing what and conclude that the "left braid is Jinx" and the "right braid is Powder." (With 100% accuracy would be ridiculous.. but I wouldn't put it past Fortiche)

A. Like here, when we see both braids evenly splayed out behind her as she wrestles with not being able to let go of her Powder persona and Powder's wants (to have her sister back) while also needing Silco's approval.

The fact that there's a knife that she's touching right next to her right braid, the one I think might be the Powder persona, could (a) portray a want to cut off her Powder baggage or (b) be foreshadowing to her cutting her Powder persona out of her personhood.

B. Here, where her right braid (Powder persona) is draped across her front (with her arms crossed over it: cue interpretations for body language) which is all of 5 seconds away from her hallucinating seeing Vi in another pink-haired woman.

C. And here, when she's completely chosen her Jinx persona after killing Silco, her left braid (Jinx persona) is front and center, and her right braid (Powder persona) is in darkness.

I think we can even go far back to Powder--cause what do we see?

That sticky-outie piece of hair (that I swear looks braided in some shots, especially in the scene in Jayce's apartment) is on the left side (the Jinx persona).

In Conclusion:

This show is far better thought out than to make characters look a certain way on screen "just 'cause," so to read meaning into Jinx's braids--an outrageous aspect of character design that wouldn't translate well irl (see my previous post on the burden of having braids that long (linked at the top))--and that doesn't seem to carry meaning for in-character choices, has to have components of storytelling meaning to them. And this one interpretation I think has some merit to it.

Am I reading too much into this? Possibly. But does it bring me joy to analyze great TV? Absolutely, so time well spent.

#arcane #jinx #powder #arcane powder #arcane jinx #arcane meta #another arcane meta

[heyftinally]

https://www.tumblr.com/heyftinally/748388217187958784/i-love-bitching-about-taylor-swift-and-im-glad?source=share

Hi I saw this on my dash and wanted to say I agree with your anon and your reply so much. The thing that annoys me the most isn't that she stays silent about x issues it's that she constantly claims to be a massive ally/activist for x groups/issues but when it's actually time to be an active ally she says NOTHING. It's clear in her doc she only said all that she did about being an ally and how actions speak louder than words to make herself look good bc people were calling her out, not bc she actually cared. What has she done since that doc was made in 2020? She hasn't done many actions and even with just words she's been mostly silent on things.

It's like her constantly claiming she is a massive feminist and cares about women's issues but when many women [along with trans men and NBs] had to deal with abortions being banded/illegal on a federal level in the USA she didn't say anything until after the decision was finalized why bc she's billionaire rich and worldwide famous so it wouldn't effect her. Her fans claim her speaking up before hand wouldn't have done anything and that is the dumbest shit I've heard given her fame and power status. She only cares about feminism or any women's issues when she gets to be at the center of it and she just uses it as a weapon so others can't hate on her.

Let's not even get started how she's the appitmy of "white feminism" [or how I see it caring about feminism only when it benefits herself] bc she screams feminism but I didn't see her saying anything when a poor innocent young woc was getting racist death threats from HER fanbase bc of a tweet SHE made. Wasn't the actresses fault that one line joke was made blame the writers of that netflix show! This situation alone tells me she hasn't "changed/learned" like she claimed in her doc.

She's the exact same as she was back in the day when she was silent on the fact white supremist groups idolized her and claimed her as "one of them". She was silent for years on the matter and only said something when she changed from typical southern country gal to liberal pop girlie and her older pop fanbase was like umm what is this? I honestly don't understand how ANYONE over looks the ws group situation. It's very alarming. She's not a kind of done some questionable things person it's VERY red flag things she has done or in this case not done.

When it comes to the music portion it's just like you said if she wasn't shoved down our throats 24/7 and treated like the greatest artist who ever lived we wouldn't care so much her music is average and her latest album was awful. All the lyrics I've seen on SM are so wtf? Who wrote this? THIS is the "greatest writer of our generation"? Outing her ex as someone with mental health issues and how you just wanted him to "easily get better" so you could love him? Outing yourself as awful [yet again] by saying the things your other ex did was just "bad jokes" and you thougut you could fix him bc racism, misogyny and SAing workers on stage at your concerts are just "bad jokes". Romanticizing 1800s America. Acting like you had a lower class upbringing with many bills to pay when really you had a rich upbringing and your daddy bought your way into the music industry.

Also her putting out 20+ versions of one damn album so she can make as much money as possible and have as many streams as possible is so 😵‍💫. It was such a cash grab when she had the backs of midnight vinyls be a puzzle picture that forced fans to buy 4 vinyl copies of 1 damn album or it just looked like an incomplete shelf piece for fans.

Lastly it's just like you said most of us who dislike her don't dislike her because she's a women it's bc she's an awful person who uses x issues and people to further her own agenda and only really cares about herself and will step on anyone just to make herself look better and more of a victim. The only victim thing she has actually dealt with was her music being bought from under her BUT now she owns her own music and found a way to make it a huge cash grab for herself so she could get that billionaire status. 🤩 She needs to stop using feminism as a means to try and stop people from calling her ass out for being problematic!!!

The post anon is referring to is here, for those wondering

Anon, you are so very, very right, and I personally want to give you a round of applause: 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

One thing I want to elaborate on (because I find it endlessly funny/ironic), is where you said "She was silent for years on the matter and only said something when she changed from typical southern country gal to liberal pop girlie..."

Taylor Swift was *never* a "southern country gal". She's from Pennsylvania. A big white McMansion with a swimming pool in Pennsylvania. All those old songs about summer nights in the country? The cowboy boots? Sweet Tea (referenced in an unreleased song)? Yeah, lies. She painted the image of a good ol' Tennessee princess pretty darn well, didn't she? I'll admit, she fooled me for a while on that, too. But no, she built her career on fraud from day one.

The rest of your ask I'm going to hit point by point, because it's beautiful and made my day and you deserve it.

Performative is her middle name. I about choked when she - a self proclaimed LGBTQ+ ally (side note: you don't get to just decide you're an ally, it's not that easy) - got up on stage in a known LGBTQ+ safe state to make a statement about queer rights, and somehow left queer people out of the statement. It was all "it's so hard for us as friends, family, and allies to see our loved ones face such hatred". As if being an ally is harder than being the queer person actively afraid of getting hate crimed???????? She somehow managed to center herself even when actively talking about an oppressed minority group she has nothing to do with unless she can profit off of us. And she can't even put us at the center of our own oppression. If I hadn't stripped her of her ally status before, that would have done it.

If Taylor Swift can make the impact that she does on economies, the environment, and social trends, she could absolutely speak up about human rights and make a positive change in the world. But she doesn't. Her feral mob loves to brag about how much power they have, but they/their hive mind leader never uses it for anything good. They're just her minions to go bully whoever she's decided deserves her high school mean girl nastiness next. So many artists with ⅛ the reach she does make positive change every day, and she can't be bothered to pay someone to tweet her fake support for oppressed minorities or to stand against a genocide. And it's because she cares about money above all else. Her fans accept the bare minimum of scraps, so she's able to play both sides - before it was the white supremacists and people who weren't raging bigot trash, and now it's homophobes/racists/genocide supporters and people who don't see those things as bad enough to stop supporting someone who happily aligns herself with bigots. It's pure self serving greed.

Is her music shit? Yes. Has it been shit for a while? Yes. But there's alose a lot of music I don't like, for one reason or another. I've never been a fan of "Hey There Delilah" even though it was a MAJORLY popular song. I'm not much of a fan of Maroon 5, or Post Malone, or Yungblood. But unlike those bands, if I turn on the radio at any point, I *will* hear a Taylor Swift song withing twenty minutes. And another one twenty minutes after that. Despite having her blocked/filtered on every social media possible, I see more about her than artists I actively follow the personal accounts of. That's a PROBLEM. Because it's not just that I think both she as a person and her music suck - I'd ignore her as much as I could if that were the case - it's that despite ACTIVELY trying to avoid her, I'm forcibly subjected to her shitty music and shitty actions daily. And her shitty actions aren't just annoying! As a queer person who has queer, black, and disabled friends, her bullshit actively impacts our lives. One of my disabled friends was totally blindsided by this recent "asylum" bullshit, and was so shocked and hurt because, in a different time, they would have been sent to an asylum. They're physically disabled with a degenerative condition. They would have been sent away, drugged up, and forcibly given electroshock and brain surgeries until they died/were murdered. And Taylor Swift is using that aesthetic - disabled people being exploited, abused, tortured, neglected, and murdered - to be "edgy". In turn, she's minimizing just HOW bad that abuse was. That waters down disabled history, and considering disabled people still have to fight SO hard just for basic respect, nevermind access rights and fair treatment, it's an overall thoughtless and disgusting thing for someone with so much money and access to feedback to do.

The multiple releases of albums is nothing short of a scam that her fans keep falling for. I've never in my life heard of an artist doing such a thing. Sometimes you'll get a platinum or deluxe edition if they hit a milestone with that album, which usually has 4-6 new songs and some new art/bonus pictures/a mini poster/etc inside. And that's it, that's the only "duplicate" album we got. Meanwhile, Taylor Swift will release the same album five times in one day, each with one different song and a different cover. She's actively preying on consumerism to line her already fat pockets. At least donate the money to charity! Pick an album = pick a charity? Nope, because she's incapable of not scamming her fans. Case in point: all the Eras merch that requires a masters in chemistry to wash without destroying you $60+ shirt.

She truly has such a huge victim complex that it might ACTUALLY be bigger than her ego. She's no feminist - she'll tear a woman to shreds as soon as it serves her purposes. Hell, she'll tear ANYONE apart just because she's bored. Whether it's siccing her fans on an actress for reading a script she didn't like or basic her ex (AGAIN) for the "crime" of having a mental illness, all she cares about is how other people effect her. She's incapable of compassion, yet weaponizes is and cries big white woman crocodile tears any time her conniving bullshit comes back to bite her in the ass. Then she begs for all the compassion she never shows anyone else. Hell, remember the fan that DIED at her Brazil show? Yeah, that poor girl's family had to CROWD FUND to afford to bring their daughter's *dead body* home for the funeral. Taylor Swift posted a half assed "thoughts and prayers" on her Instagram story - gone forever in 24hrs. But as soon as she gets called out for dating a known racist who gets off to abuse porn? She has every defense in the book as to why "poor little Taylor" doesn't deserve all that mean ol' accountability for her actions. And if she doesn't have the defense? Doesn't matter, her fans can - and have, and will - justify everything up to and including racist harassment, stalking, and death threats!

Genuinely, my dislike of Taylor Swift can be summed up in this: she's a shit person with shit music who uses her disgusting amount of power and money to do nothing but serve herself, regardless of who she hurts in the process. And the rest of us are forced to watch it happen because if you don't worship the chair she farted on people act like you're either stupid, a piece of shit, or both. And then those same people will go on tumblr and post "eat the rich" and "be trans, throw hands" memes as if they didn't just give $300 to a billionaire who couldn't give less of a fuck about any minority to ever exist.

Anyway, thank you again for this, anon. You cleared my skin, watered my crops, and gave me a small amount of faith in humanity back.

#ask #anon #anti taylor swift #taylor swift critical #long post

[croutoncat]

feeling a certain rage at my first employer at this 3 am on saturday morning - was hired with a manager that had no management training but just got promoted bc she had X amount of years at the company, basically left me to do all the tasks she didn't want me to do all while micromanaging me (daily 1:1s??), making false promises about what I could do (said I could do PR but then 'forgot') and keeping me out of important meetings with the CEO without explanation. Also company was litcherally nothing but ultra privileged white people talking about their countryside houses and pretending to be inclusive by hiring 1 non-white (junior) employee and tackling inequality by hiring several women from wealthy backgrounds.... it's a start... but French tech so elitist they will litcherally only hire people from X university. Got 'fired' (quote unquote because you can't technically fire people in France after the trial period but rather ask them to leave) after 1 year, along with basically every junior employee at the company showing how rubbish management is, but wasn't made aware that I could decide when I leave. Plus, the management was 3 white men one of which litcherally asked me 'but... why?' when I told him I was anxious during out team offsite (mental health whomst?) That said. the company has a good reputation, and it was a 'good' experience (+ didn't want to be unemployed out of college). The vibe was Off generally but one of the founders was really nice and gave me a good reference - my manager however lied about being nice and told my current company I was 'too junior', even though my work as a junior employee was actually a reflection of her poor management. Plus they gave me $$$. Bref. Never really took the time to fully process / write about / vent my feeling vis-à-vis my first professional experience which didn't go down too well, leaving me in a Shit situation looking for a (mainly) English speaking job in content in Paree... I can write in French but can't go Off like a tru native. New company is Wild but vibes tho, and really shows to me how important getting on with the people you work with on a day-to-day basis is... plus manager is actually a manager and there is more diversity. I guess it's all a learning curve of Life... everything happens for a reason etc. etc.

#also its my dads bday happy bday michael #also only reason i think abt this is bc i forgot i invest in that company and im like wait. where my money at #thanks for listening / not reading/ i dont think anyone actually follows me on this website anymore

[dre6ming]

The delicate beginning rush

Chapter VI ~ my darling

Masterlist

Chapter V ~ torn

Instagram photo dump masterlist

To be added to the tag list click here

Pairing: Austin Butler x fem singer/actress reader

Warning: age gap, mentions of poor mental health, depression, anxiety, mentions of abuse, talks of toxic relationships, divorce, fluff, angst, cursing. That’s all I hope :))

Plot: after a horrible article makes the headlines you find yourself back in a place where you judge your every move. Your crush on Austin only seems to grow as does your liking towards Joshua.

Word count: ~6500

Disclaimer: everything I write is fake. Except for the songs I mention.

I see it as soon as I wake up. The bad habit of waking up and checking my phone, giving my team no time to hide this from me. I stare at the screen of my phone with blurry eyes, the big red letters screaming at me.

"19 and taking hearts left and right"

The title reads and I could lie and say it's unexpected for a piece like this to be written, but it's not. I knew, I always did, but I guess I never anticipated how sharp and evil their words would be. Bringing up my parents divorce, saying dating is some coping mechanism, because they left me? Pulling up those pictures of me, balling my eyes out on the street. That day being one of the worst days of my life and they had the audacity to photograph it and now use it to justify my serial dating behavior? I know this is the price I pay for the job I chose, but sometimes the price feels higher than the reward.

With shaky hands I wipe my face, or try to, then turning my phone off I get up to go in the shower. The warm water engulfs me, my tears mixing with it. Each sob that shakes my body, makes my muscles contract painfully and I struggle to wash myself, as I feel like my legs might give out at any minute. I let out a scream so loud and sharp I scare myself and fall on the shower floor, clutching my head in my hands.

I need to get out, I need to breathe, I can't breathe. I'm stuck. I need out. I need...

Gathering up my strength, I get up, turning off the shower and ignoring the pain in my knees, which are sure to have bruises on them later. Using a warm towel to dry myself and then hurriedly putting on some clothes. Comfort being my goal I choose in oversized dark blue sweat suit. Staring at the clock, it's only 7:45 am, I woke up way too early, because of all the turmoil I faced in my sleep, caught between dreaming of Austin or Joshua. I'm supposed to be going to a fitting today, for the Oscars, also Jack expects me in the studio, but I can't. I don't want to see or talk to anyone right now. So I don't. My phone is turned off, it's too early for Matt to be here, my parents don't live here and don't care, it's easy for me to avoid people, so that's what I do.

Taking my bag, I make my way out of the apartment, after feeding Simba and William, no need for them to suffer just cause I do. Putting on sunglasses and hiding my hair as best as I can in a beanie, I walk out of the building, the cold air of the early morning hitting my cheeks. Behind my glasses my salty tears are still flowing. New York is busy as ever and I'm happy for it. The crowd occupied with whatever they have going on, so no one pays any attention to me, it's comforting, but I can't hope for it to last. I like to think about myself as one of those celebes who knows exactly how to work their private life, while keeping people entertained, I don't push fans away and I usually don't mind paparazzi, but then again, I wasn't an Oscar nominee before, nor was I lunching with famous men. I'm growing with my career and I arouse more excitement now I guess.

I'm walking like a crazy person, almost running, my feet carry me unconsciously down the street. Looking down at the watch on my wrist I see it's now 8:15am if I keep at this pace I'll be at the Chanel studio in about an hour, sure I'll be all sweaty and gross, but I don't care, at least I'm showing up. Showing up is the best I can do now. I try not to think about how everyone must be freaking out right now, calling my phone. By now Matt probably got to the apartment and is frantically searching for me, scared something bad might have happened.

I sigh annoyed that I didn't think to take time and text him that I'll go to the fitting by myself. I hate worrying people, but then again that's not healthy, because I often think if the worse were to come and that dark part of my brain took over, then I'd fail all of them, but I should be thinking about failing myself. It's my life and it has very little meaning to me, all I care is to be here for the people that I know care and my therapist has been struggling to drill into my brain that I should stop thinking of others and how my life affects them, but rather about myself and how I affect myself. Easier said than done. Guess I'll have to squeeze a session in today or tomorrow morning, because I know I'm not ok and I would like to know why. Because I can't accept the fact that, that article has me twisted like this, it has to be something more as well. It's not fair for my brain to fail me like this.

Lost in the spiral of my mind, I don't even acknowledge I got to my destination, until I'm looking up at the tall glass building. When I walk in I see Levis, coming out of the elevator, talking on the phone, worried, but when his eyes meet mine he visibly relaxes, murmuring some words into the phone and ending the call. "(Y/n), what the hell? Matt was frenetic, what happened?" I roll my eyes at him and go past him, to get inside the elevator, but he grabs my arm and keeps me in place. "Sweet pea, tell me? You know you're like my daughter, what's wrong?" I only shake my head, not really willing to talk about what's got me so twisted. With a defeated sigh, he understands and let's me go. I'm silent for the elevator ride and for most part of the fitting, only making the effort to talk when really necessary.

I catch a glimpse of myself in the tall mirrors and I have to force myself not to gasp. I look so tired. If Timmy or Roxanne would see me right now they would freak out and maybe they should. Sighing I turn around and show the stylist where I want modifications to be made. The whole process goes by in a haze, I'm not really here, my body is, but my mind?.... Well definitely somewhere else.

All that keeps going through my mind is : Are they right? Am I playing? But then again I know the truth, I know Austin is just a friend and so is Joshua. Sure I wrote Austin a whole song about wishing on dandelions for his love, but he's still just a friend. Ugh god I sound crazy, maybe I am. "So what do you think?" One of the stylists asks me, but I'm unable to actually formulate an opinion, so I smile and nod. I like it, do I think it's amazing? Not really. Does it age me a decade? Yes. But I do look beautiful and professional in the dark blue plaid pants, that are so wide legged they look like a skirt and the halter top white shirt, completes the look nicely. "Yeah, you can't go wrong with a classic!" I mutter and they go on to take the measurements needed for further alterations.

Happy to be out of playing dress up, I sink into the seat of the car, burying myself in the huge sweater I have on. Matt doesn't look at me, he just greets me politely as always. I know I scared him, disappearing like that on him. I don't think anyone on the outside could really understand how much the people working around me are like family to me, so them worrying for me is beyond a professional care.

I'm feeling a bit better now, but definitely not ready to go and finish 'Dandelions', Austin's song can wait. Instead I think I'll try to bring him a song I started a while ago.

I greet Jack with a tight hug and go to sit down at the piano. "So I've been thinking, about a lot lately, all these fittings and photo shoots, they have me hyper fixing on things." Jack listens as I play the piano, "Ok, so are we talking-" "Body image" he nods, closing his eyes to listen to the soft melody I'm playing. "She just want to be, beautiful" I sing "She goes, unnoticed she knows, no limits" I sigh and keep playing struggling to keep my voice steady. "She prays to be, sculpted by the sculptor." The rhythm of the song picks up now and Jack goes over to his computer snapping his fingers to the melody, adding it over the piano. "Oh she don't see, the light that's shining. Deeper then the eyes can find it. Maybe she's blind?" I shake my head. "Maybe we have made her blind?" He suggests and I sing it that way.

"So to all the girls that's hurting, let me be your mirror, help you see a little be clearer" I write that verse down, smiling at the almost complete song, for hours now we've been throwing lines at each other. I usually write my songs alone, but this felt right to be done like this, I trust him to know exactly what I want to say. "That's beautiful, I'm thinking for the end we can have you and a choir sing and you could be saying 'No better you than the you that you are, No better life than the life we're living' , but right at the end we quiet down the music and you go with the chorus again one last time, on your own" I like that idea, putting on the headphones and going to sing into the mic.

We get most of the song done, but we have to see about that choir and we still have a lot in production to do, but I'm confident, "Scars to your beautiful" will be a song able to touch many people, not just girls, because we unfortunately live in a society where molds and labels are frequently used. I haven't always been the kindest to myself, my body, my craft, my mind. I'm my worts critic, but that's normal, my therapist says. I didn't expect this morning to go in the studio with one line that came to me in a flash and from there to build a whole song. I kind of wanted to finish "Idontwanttobeyouanymore" , but I think I'll keep that for my sessions with Finneas, it feels like a song for him, maybe I could ask Billie to feature and do vocals? I write that idea down in my journal and closing it, I discard it in my bag, occupying myself with looking out the window at the fast moving city as Matt drives me back home.

When I get to my apartment everything is the same as I left it. I hate it. I used to come back home and mom would've cooked something, or cleaned something, maybe dad had built some new furniture or he was loudly watching tv in the kitchen, or they were both on the balcony smoking. I miss them, but then I remember those were the good simple times I missed. They're divorce was long coming, just like that source for the magazine said. My parents had a toxic relationship and they used to hurt each other a lot and me as well. They were also codependent on each other, so it took a lot of pushing for my mom to finally file for divorce. My dad, a smart manipulative man, who loves me truly, but who holds no respect for my mother, had his claws deep into her and he was abusive towards her, both verbally and physically, though the latter was not as often. As you can see it's safe to assume my dad blames me for the divorce, but so does my mom. They think I'm spoiled and unrealistic, living in a fake world with an imaginary career.

I pick up my phone from where I left it on my bed and turn it on, notifications flooding my screen. I delete the unimportant ones, reply to some emails and text back a few people, leaving the best for last. I open the group chat with Timmy and Roxanne, reading over their texts, they were both going crazy over my ghosting of them. With a shaky breath I start tipping.

Me:

Sorry guys, was busy in the studio. Had an early fitting for the Oscars as well

RoxiBear🐻:

Girl you had us worried. Everything ok? I saw that garbage article.

Me:

Yeah I'm ok, I guess. I don't know.

Timmy💝:

Don't lie!

Me:

I don't know what you want to hear. None of what they said was true.

RoxiBear🐻:

I'm with Tim on this one, don't lie.

Me:

Idk what to say. Yeah I was alone w/ Austin and then w/ Joshua, but nothing happened. I don't think

Timmy💝:

You don't think?

RoxiBear🐻:

What does that mean?

Sighing I decide this is too much to be carried over text, so I FaceTime them. They both answer in an instant, Timmy seeming tired, already lying in bed and Roxanne waiting at the airport for her flight home. "So I took Austin out, to show him New York, but that was that. I'm not making moves on him" I roll my eyes at the stupid assumption. "And with Joshua, I think it was a date? He did give me this, that was true" I lift up my right hand and they gasp at the sight of the bracelet. "Definitely a date, girl and that looks so gorgeous, it's your style" Roxanne says, and Tim is quick to chime in. "Yeah I can confirm the dude likes you, he skipped flowers and went straight to the rocks." I laugh, brushing a hand through my hair. "I guess what bothered me most was them using those pictures of me and saying that I'm doing this because of the divorce, it's just. If I wanted it discussed over media I would've streamed it." They laugh a bit at that, but return to their serious demeanors. "Hon' I wish I was there to hug you!" Timmy says, sticking out his bottom lip. "I will, in a few hours, I'm taking my Uber straight to your place, so let the front desk know I'm coming." Roxanne says, before she drops her phone, making us all giggle. "Shit, gotta go, how can I be at the airport early and still get late on my flight, fuck me! Bye, love you!" She waves quickly, ending the call, leaving just me and Timmy.

His knowing eyes watch me through the screen, but I know I have to cut this short, the dark circles under both of our eyes, prove that we need more sleep. "I hate to cut this short- " he breaks to yawn and as on cue I do the same. "-but I have early call time tomorrow. I just want you to know, that I'm with you no matter who you want?" This makes the hair on the back of my neck stick up. "What?" I ask almost scared of the answer. "Sweet dumpling, yesterday when we talked you had this light in your voice, now call me crazy and tell me that I'm wrong, but I do think that hanging out with Austin did it or maybe it was the anticipation of the date with Joshua? I don't know, but sis, you sounded alive, for the first time in months. So, and I know Roxi, would agree, have your fun, turn a blind eye to all the gossip. Dating isn't bad, neither is making new friends, so whichever you decide Austin and Joshua are, I think you shouldn't overthink it." Smiling at him I dry my now damp cheeks, I don't know why I'm surprised he said these things, he's always been there and he's never judged me just like never judged him. "But I don't even know, what this is? Not Austin, not Joshua. I'm just, I don't understand. I've never-"

I can't find the right words to say, the matter is still very new and unknown to me. I think I like Austin, I mean there's definitely a lot to like, but then there are those things that should stop me, like the age gap and the girlfriend, doesn't matter that the relationship is fake, it still exists. And then there's Joshua, didn't write a song for him and I barely spoke to him, but he's sweet and does make my heart beat faster. Ugh I don't know what this is. Am I living a teenage drama show? Am I in a love triangle? No, I'm not, cause I'm not sure either of them like me the way I like them. "(Y/n)?! Still there?" Timmy waved his hand in front of the camera and I blink to bring myself back to this reality. "Yeah, no I'm here, I'm just..." letting the words fly in the air, I watch as Timmy looks at me a little worried. "Sweet sœr, I hope you know Matt called me, I was scared. Are you having those thoughts again?"

I look away, shy about my past, but knowing full well I have no reason to be, I look back at him. He's talking about the thoughts that inspired "everything I wanted". Back before the divorce, when I was still filming for Reconstructing Amelia, I was slowly sliding in a dark place, being in constant conflict with my parents, feeling alone, useless, stupid, meaningless. My life meant little to nothing to me back then, I had gotten so wrapped up in those dark corners of my mind, I don't know that I actually ever thought of doing anything to myself, but I was definitely thinking that if something bad were to happen I'd be ok with it. I made myself think it's ok to feel like that, but it's not, no matter what, your life should mean something to you. I am now in a stable place, my life means something to me, not much more than it used to, I'm still working on it, it's a long process. "No, double B, I'm not, I'm just tired and sick of everything. I wrote a beautiful song today, but you should sleep now, you look tired."

A smile creeps up on his lips, his white shiny teeth showing up. "Please tell me if that changes, I'll be there in a second." Shaking my head, I wipe some of my tears away. "I will, sleep well, sweet dreams!" We wave at each other and then end the call. I sigh throwing my phone on the bed and splay on top of the sheets, starting at the ceiling. With my eyes closed I can once again take myself back to that night, when we danced, drunk or red Shiraz wine, swaying to the sound of 'Are you lonesome tonight'. Humming to myself, I get up and change into my purple silk pajamas. Lost in thought I almost miss the phone buzzing. Answering the call without looking who it is first. As I pick it up and look at the screen, the fact that is yet another FaceTime call is obvious and mess of blonde hair is showing up on the screen.

"Hey there!" The breath gets caught in the back of my throat as I lock eyes with Austin through the screen. "Austin..." he chuckles at my dumbfounded face, almost like him FaceTiming me out of the blue is just as normal as drinking water. "Yeah, I just wanted to see how you were? Been thinking of you and I read that pice of shit of an article. I wanted to make sure you're fine" I'm still a bit confused about this whole interaction, not really sure if it's real or if sometime between talking to Timmy and changing I fell asleep, so now this is all a dream. A beautiful dream. I also try not to read too much into him saying he's been thinking of me. "(Y/n)?" Austin's voice grows concerned as I seem to be just a frozen image on his screen, unmoving and definitely not breathing.

Shaking myself up, I push some of my hair behind my ears. "Sorry, yeah, no. I'm, well, you know , right, I'm -" I'm fucking rambling nonsense. He licks his lips, catching the bottom one with his top teeth, the flesh turning white, as it's released from the tight bite. I swallow thickly, trying to gather myself up. Taking a deep breath. "Sorry, I'm tired. The article, was-" I pause searching for the right thoughts. "A misogynistic piece of shit." He finishes for me making me giggle. "Yes, that exactly." He seems to be happy that he's managed to make me smile, a pleased look on his face. "Busy day?" He asks and I nod.

"Fitting for the Oscars, then I was in the studio until a few hours ago." Austin hums low, that sound vibrating through me like electric current. "Anything I can hear?" The question catches me a bit off guard. "I get it if I have to wait with the rest till the album is complete and out, but I like hearing you sing." And this right here is what I meant when I said, I liked the way he played his game, because he's a master at making me fold. The blush that rose into my cheeks, a scarlet shade, painting my skin. "Wait here!" He laughs as I prop my phone up on my pillows and jump off the bed, to run into the living room and get my guitar.

"Ok, I'm back" I say jumping on the mattress, placing the guitar in my lap. "I can see!" He snickers, making me blush one more time. The soft pads of my fingers, brush the rough strings of the guitar, the simple cord progression filling the room with a beautiful slow sound. "Ok so this song is not done. I'm waiting for Finneas to come to New York next week and finish it." Austin nods, turning over in bed to lay on his side, one hand tucked under his head. Sleepy blue eyes staring at me. "Don't be that way, fall apart twice a day, I just wish you could feel what you say" I sing, harmonizing the words. "Show never tell, but I know you too well, Got a mood that you wish you could sell." Sighing I keep going, preparing myself for the dark and twisted chorus. "If teardrops could be bottled, there'd be swimming pools filled by models. Told a tight dress is what makes you... a whore" closing my eyes, I push back my feelings. "If 'I love you' was a promise, would you break it if you're honest? Tell the mirror what you know she's heard before"

"I don't want to be you anymore..." this is how far I've gotten to writing this one. Opening my eyes again, I look at Austin, but I'm not able to read anything about what he's thinking. "That was so beautiful." A relieved sound escapes my lips and I lick them before talking again. "Thank you, it's not really about runway models, I meant models, like, the people you look up to." He nods "Yeah I get that's it's about the pressure you're under when you're supposed to be some example for the world" blinking stupidly at him, I feel the kick of my heart against my chest, like a punch coming from the inside.

Placing my right hand on top of my heart, I massage slow circles into the muscles there, over my silk top. I see something in Austin's eyes change and if I didn't know any better I'd say it's jealousy? But that can't be it.

Looking down at the place where my hand rests on my chest, you can clearly see the bracelet Joshua gave me, but that upsetting him makes little to no sense, he clears his throat before speaking. "Did I get it right?" He asks, a tint of knowing in his tone. With a big smile on my face, I nod. Austin seems fairly pleased with getting the meaning of my song right.

In the silence that falls between us for a few seconds, my stomach growls and I pray he didn't hear it, but he did. "Did you eat today?" He asks and I try to hide my face in my shoulder, knowing how red it must be. It's embarrassing for my body to betray me like this. "No, I didn't have time" he sits up on his bed, ruffing up his curly hair. God how soft it look, I wish I could touch it.

"Go eat, it's not healthy to not eat." Sighing I look at my lap, running a list of everything I have in my fridge. There's plenty of food, but none of it sounds appetizing and I'd have to cook it, which I hate. "I'm not that hungry." As I say that, my stomach makes a point to growl again. "I think your body betrays you here." He says giggling. The sound of his soft laugh, bringing a smile to my face. "I'd have to cook, not my forte, I'll eat tomorrow." I try to reason, but it's clear he won't have it.

Austin stands up from his bed, confusing me a bit about where this is going. "Well I'm hungry as well, so why do we cook together?" He raises a brown at me, biting his lip in waiting for an answer, but he's already up and walking to his kitchen. I laugh and also drag myself off of the bed, to make my way into the kitchen. "Ok I'll trust you." He smiles from ear to ear, walking quickly through his house.

When the both of us are in the kitchen, I place my phone down, prompting it up on the counter against a jar of cat treats. "Let's make French toast? It's not hard." I shake my head before he gets a chance to defend the choice of food. "Ok not that, let's see..." he looks through his fridge and pulls out a cartoon of eggs. "Scrambled eggs?" Austin questions. "Yeah, that we can make." I say, going over to my fridge to get everything out.

After I lay everything out in front of me, looking at Austin expecting, waiting for me to tell me what to do, even though I actually know how to make eggs. "Ok put the pan on the stove, medium heat" I do as he says, following his steps, like I've never done this before, hoping he won't see through my little lie. "After it's warmed up, add butter and crack the eggs in it." Carefully I add butter into the pan and swirl it around to coat it evenly, then I crack two eggs and discard of their shells into the bin. "Good girl" I get goosebumps all over and it's a good thing I have my back to the phone cause I know that if he were to see my face right now, he'd catch me and my little crush. "Use the spatula to mix the eggs in the pan and break them into smaller pieces."

With a shaky hand I grab the spatula and do as instructed, staring into the pan, like it'll give me an answer, like those eggs would arrange themselves into a sentence and say: you're not dreaming, he likes you too. Suddenly I feel an itch all over my skin, like I miss something and when I realize what it is, it hits me like a train. Because it's his touch. I miss him. The way he swayed with me in my living room, like we had no worry in the world. "Show me." Austin demands and in a robotic stance I take the phone and turn the camera towards the pan. "You're a natural, add salt and pepper." I put the phone down, adding the seasoning as he said.

After a few minutes our virtual cooking class ends and we are sitting each at our table, in different states, looking at each other through a phone. "So when are you coming to LA for the Verity interview?" He asks eating some food. Putting some food into my mouth as well and chewing it carefully, I skim through my schedule into my brain. "Hm so today it the 28th, Oscars are on March 12th, I should be there on the 15th" I nod double confirming the information I just gave. "You'll have to come over, have dinner, I'll make you pizza in my stone oven, I bought this house especially for it, my ex's had one and in the beginning of quarantine I got addicted to it."

"Yeah I know, you told me you once cooked 20 pizzas in a day." I interrupt and he laughs drinking some water, leaving me staring at his Adam's apple moving up and down. "Yeah I guess I did, so are you coming?" Eating some more food into, I try not to seems so desperate about seeing him, so I struggle to be casual. "Sure, I will." Austin seems happy with the answer. "Great it's settled, I promise you, I'll cook you the best pizza you've ever had."

"Could you actually teach me how to make it? You're a good teacher." I ask. Austin seems a bit surprised at my request, but a wide smirk quickly appears on his face as he scratches his chin. " 'Course I'll teach you, we'll make it all, from the dough to the very end" I raise my brows at him, shocked at the extent of his love for cooking. "Hm ok then it's only fair I find something to teach you." I get up from the table and move over to the sink to rinse the plate and pan and put them into the dishwasher, cleaning after myself. "How about crochet?" He suggests, the fact that he remembered it is a hobby of mine, making my heart skip a beat. "Sure, I'll do it." I say drying my hands on a towel, folding it and placing it back in its place afterwards.

Taking the phone in hand and walking back into my room, I plop down onto the bed. "Was that a twilight poster I just saw?" Austin asks, a deep color flushing my cheeks. "Maybe" I bite my lip to stop my smile from getting too big and turn the camera around to show him my poster wall. "Wow, marvel, Disney, twilight, lady Gaga, Madonna, you've got all the goods." Austin's amazed tone makes me laugh. "Well what can I say, I like the things I like and I love posters, let me show you this one." I get up and take him over to the opposite wall to show him the huge poster I have of Elvis singing dressed in the leather suit, for the '68 comeback show. "I have that suit." Turning the camera quickly around so he could see my surprised face, I search his face for a hint that this is a lie, no way he just casually confessed to stealing such a piece.

"I'll show it to you when you come over, I have the movie replica of course, but still, it's beautiful." His raspy voice sounds so angelic, I could listen to it nonstop. "I can't wait for you to show me." I say jumping back on the bed. "You didn't show me your room, when I was over Saturday." Austin points out, pouting like a little child. "It escaped my mind, I guess" I try to play it cool, but he can probably see right through me, as he laughs. "I'm sure it did." A wide smirk stretching on his face.

I turn on my side in bed and put the phone down on some pillows, so he can see me without me having to hold the phone up. "So how about you, any interesting work in the future?" He shakes his head rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. "Not for the moment, just press, but then I start working on Dune 2, in late August, so I guess that one will be exciting." I knew that, Timmy told me he was casted for a role in that movie, but I try to hide the fact that that was already known information for me. "Hm means you'll get to know Tim plenty." I conclude. "Yeah, I guess I will. Though I'm not sure he likes me, that much." I shrug my shoulders, knowing that's only half true. "It's my fault though, I kind of, you know"

"Dated his ex?" I finish for him, as he nods. Austin's lips stretch out in a thin line, he seems fairly embarrassed by the fact that I knew about him and Lily-Rose. "Well Timmy will get over it." Relieved he lets out a breath that gets caught in his lungs midway, following my next words. "If you are on your best behavior" I push my lips together trying to hold my laughter in, but failing miserably as a fit of laughter shakes my body and he follows suit joining me. "Your laughter is so beautiful." I stop laughing and look at him wide eyed, he seems just as surprised as me, that those words came out of his mouth. Austin moves his mouth open and closed like he's trying to say something, but nothing comes out and I'm holding my breath, scared that if I were to breathe right now, this whole moment would vanish. "Thank you." I whisper, placing the backs of my hands on my cheeks, feeling how hot the flesh is burning.

Neither of us knows how to move on from what just happened, but we have to bounce back. He has a girlfriend and I'm, well, I guess I'm just me. William jumps up on the bed and comes to snuggle close to me, getting in the camera view. A wide grin shows up on my face as I pet the cats fur and it immediately starts purring. "Hey there good boy." Austin says, as William turns his small head towards my phone, sniffing at the screen, before burying his face in my neck, making me giggle at feeling of his wet nose against my warm skin. "He likes me" Austin states proudly, smiling from ear to ear. Just then a yawn goes past my lips and in true lady fashion I cover my mouth with my hand.

"You're tired and I'm keeping you up." He says sounding disappointed. It's then that I look at the time and see it's now almost midnight, means I should probably get back to sleep as I have yet another early morning tomorrow. "It's fine-" "Oh god I'm so stupid, it must be midnight in New York right now, I'm so sorry." He interrupts me, apologizing for not taking into account the three hours difference. The way he seems so upset with himself, raises a new feeling within me, again a very unknown, very warm feeling, indescribable by all means. "You should be sleeping" now Austin's voice sounds almost scolding, like he's somewhat directing the loosing track of time on me as well. I feel small and bring my knees up to my chest, caging William in between my torso and legs. "I'm sorry, it's my fault, I should have thought about time difference." Austin sighs, dragging a hand over his face. "I just, I don't know, I got home and picked up the phone, calling without thinking."

"It's ok Austin, no harm was done, plus if it weren't for you, I probably would've gone to sleep without eating." The features on his face don't soften, if anything they grow more stern. "I'll take that win, but you should know that's not ok, you should be eating!" He seems to be slowly relaxing and coming back to his jovial stance. "Anyway guess it's time I let you sleep. Sweet dreams, my darling!" He puts three fingers up to his lips, kissing then and blowing the kiss to me. My heart starts racing and my cheeks flush a deep burgundy color. "Goodnight Austin!" I say and end the call with a small wave.

After the call is ended, I shift on my back and hold the device close to my heart. "My darling" I whisper, as if the words were a sacred spell. He called me darling and he called me his. The ceiling is spinning and I feel light headed. I can feel the irregular thud of my heart against my breast bone and I struggle to get my breathing back to normal. I feel like I'm flying. Is this how having a crush feels like? Like you're drunk? Not that I've ever been drunk, but I've been tipsy in the past and it feels like that, only stronger.

Closing my eyes I dive back into my memory of his soft lips against my cheek, the way it felt as the little wet spot left behind dried. I go back to his flaming hands on my waist, missing the weight of them. I remember the way my cheek rested so perfectly against his chest as he held me close, like we were two puzzle pieces, designed to fit together.

I'm woken up from all my dreaming as the phone vibrates against my chest, my excitement picking up, thinking it might be Austin. The notification is not from him, but it still has the power to get me to blush even harder, if that were possible. Joshua's name shines on the screen and I open the text.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Hi, sorry for not calling today as I promised and sorry for the late hour, I just got back to my hotel from a gig.

Me:

No worries, I don't mind the hour.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Let me make it up to you. Are you free tomorrow?

Me:

Sure, I think I can manage some free time around noon.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Perfect, how about a walk in Central Park?

Me:

That's my favorite place in the city.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Ha lucky me, seems like I guessed right and you'll be sharing that secret place with me after all. I count on you for a tour💟

Me:

You've got it. Good guess by the way. Hope your gig went well. Did you have fun?

🎶Joshua🎶:

Yes!!! it was amazing, I love playing in front of my fans. I have another one Thursday night, you should come.

Me:

Hmm 🤔 sure I'll be there.

🎶Joshua🎶:

Ok I'll sing my best! I should let you sleep now. Have a nice sleep, honey💟

Me:

I'm 100% sure you'll do great. Get some sleep as well, it's late. Gn💟

I lock my phone and place it on my nightstand, trying the relax enough, so that I could get some well deserved sleep, but I'm wide awake. Wide awake thinking of how my mind keeps circling back to every pet name Austin and Joshua use with me, struggling to convince myself they are just verbal ticks and not a real signs of affection.

Pushing my face harder against the pillows, I count my breaths, slowly coming down to sleep. But before I fall into complete darkness a flash of color splashes in front of my eyes, it's blue, a shiny Egyptian blue - his eyes.

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[fieldofdaisiies]

Ultima Ex Nobis | ch. VI

-all rights reserved-

Nessian AU word count: ~2,4k words warnings: mentions of bad mental health summary: Six years into a global pandemic which was caused by a mass fungal infection that turns hosts into zombie-like creatures and makes the whole of Prythian collapse, the former army general Cassian Cadell is tasked with one very special mission – escorting Nesta Archeron, one of the few immune survivors, across a post-apocalyptic Prythian to a group of people of the name L. Their identity  is unknown but they can make an antidote.

masterlist

Azriel hands Nesta another pair of shoes and she slips into them, shaking her head. She peels them off and Azriel hands her the now sixth pair and who would believe it? They fit!

“Yes, they work,” Nesta finally says, wiggling her feet up and down, smiling sheepishly. Azriel chuckles lowly at that, crunching his nose when he looks at her. He says nothing though and suddenly a soft but cool wind tingles Nesta’s exposed arms and she glimpses over her shoulder at Cassian who stands in the opening to the tent. “Found shoes?”

Nesta lifts her feet a little further, showing them to Cass. “I did,” she says, a rather happy tone in her voice.

“Good, because those old and worn-out converse would give your only more blisters.” 

Nesta actually wants to protest, she has loved those shoes so much, but she sees his point and has to give him that. Her feet have already been covered in terrible blisters only from one week of walking. They mostly have healed in the three days they have stayed at the basecamp and Cassian has fully regained his strength. 

He once again stands the tall, powerful army general, his strong arms keeping the curtains of the tent open, his large presence filling the whole inside. It smells like summer, dried soil and grass, when another breeze of wind blows through the tent. For a moment Nesta allows herself to close her eyes and draw in a deep inhale. Being outside feels so good, even though they are on a deadly mission, it is the freedom that brings her comfort. 

“I am getting the truck, be ready in five.” Azriel says as he salutes to Cass, dips his chin at Nesta and brushes past his brother to leave the tent. 

“You two get along?” Cassian asks, his voice softer than usual, his eyes trained on Nesta. He smiles a little when he regards her, his eyes glowing. Nesta lifts a lazy shoulder and lets it slump down again. “I guess. He does not hate me, I believe.”

Cassian furrows his brows. “No one hates you, Nes!”

Nesta slowly stands up and walks up to Cassian, giving him a pointed look. 

“I don’t hate you. As much as you want to believe it or tell yourself that I do, I don’t hate you. I am far from hating you, Nes.”

“Nesta.”

“Nah-nah,” Cassian chuckles and lets the curtains of the tent fall close behind him. “Just when I thought you finally started liking the nickname.”

It is one of the few times that a small, barely-there smile, appears on Nesta’s lips and she gives her head a little shake. “Nope, not going to happen.”

“Well, me stopping to call you my absolute favourite nickname of yours is also not going to happen.” He grins then, eyes glowing brightly, almost gleeful amusement etched into his features. Nesta resists the urge to flip him off and balls her hands into fists at her side, and instead rolls her eyes.

“Well?” 

Cassian shows no sign of wanting to move which makes Nesta stop in her tracks otherwise she would bump into him. “Are we going to leave?”

The former army general lifts his hand to glance at his non-existent watch and shakes his head. “I believe we still have around four minutes, so I’ll quickly show you how to hold a gun. You will be using one from now on. The knife is good, but a gun is still better, I want you to know how to use one.”

At that Nesta has to swallow thickly, but slowly inclines her head in acceptance. Cassian pulls out a small pistole from the strap around his waist. It is black and somehow shimmery — Nesta likes it. At least likes it better than those big guns, the rifles she has seen a lot lately.

Cassian is careful when he places it in her hand, his hand closing over hers for a moment. His palm is callused, but warm, his hand so big around hers.

 “It is not loaded yet, don’t be afraid, okay?”

“Okay,” Nesta whispers, glimpsing upwards to catch Cassian already looking at her. He smiles a little when he slowly moves his hand back and lets Nesta hold the gun on her own.

“Like that?” she asks and holds the pistole tightly in her hand, her index finger moving to the trigger. Cassian steps behind her, his hands placed on her shoulders when he looks past her head. 

“Yes, like that.” For a moment the young woman wonders how a man of such height and power can speak so softly. 

Cassian, careful as he is, slowly lets his hand glide down Nesta’s arm, moving it over her hand to position hers in the right way. A shiver courses through her body, goosebumps appearing on her skin. He knows exactly what he is doing and damn him for that!

Cassian chuckles lowly, her reaction to him touching her not going unnoticed by him. “You focus on your target, aim and…” “Pull,” Nesta finishes for him, tilting her head slightly so Cassian’s head can perfectly rest on her shoulder. “Exactly, Nes.” His voice brushes her neck like a feather, his touch leaving tingles in its wake. 

Her finger still on the trigger, her knuckles white from how tightly she holds onto the pistole, Nesta allows herself to lean back a little, perfectly fitting his chest. He is warm and solid behind her and—

“I said five minutes, not five days.” His brow is raised, his tone flat, when Azriel holds the curtains of the tent open. Nesta promptly moves out of Cassian’s embrace, shoving him away lightly, which leaves both her back and his chest cold. Cassian clamps down on the rising frustration, the disappointment and forces a smile to his lips. “Just needed to show Nes how to handle a gun. We are good to go now. Don’t take your job as our chaperone too seriously.”

Azriel only inclines his head, stepping outside but holding the curtain open for both of them. Nesta and Cassian follow, both silent as they walk next to each other. One can practically cut the tension with a knife and Cassian knows that Azriel somehow regrets having offered to join them. He would not be stuck in car with them for days. For weeks or maybe even months.

The road outside, although leading into another direction, is once again bumpy and brittle, making them bounce and shake a little in the truck. Azriel is a fast driver and for a moment Nesta wonders if that is really safe on such a road but she has trust in him. This time she is sitting on the outside, her head leaning against the window, her gaze trained on the road ahead. They are nearing a large forest, a large mountain range towering behind it. Nesta lowers her gaze to the grass beside the road. There are fat mushrooms next to the road and Nesta shivers — they remind her of the fungus and all of a sudden memories, memories she has had locked behind iron gates in her brain, flash in her mind. 

“You think she is out there somewhere?” Elain asks in a nervous voice. She only wears her sandals, tiptoeing after Nesta. “Yes, Elain. She took her bow and arrows with her. Where else would she go than the forest?” Nesta rolls her eyes. “You don’t have to come along, if you shit your pants, Elain.”

Nesta forces herself to snap back to reality, trying to distract herself and calm her racing heart. She clamps down on the pain rising to the surface and swallows around the lump in her throat. Tears burn behind her eyes, the back of her throat aching, but she pinches her thumb, hoping those natural bodily reactions would fade. And they do. The thumb pinching always works, Nes thinks. 

Turning her head slightly, she tries to follow the conversation of Azriel and Cassian.

“And then we have to find—“

“Eris.”

For a moment Azriel’s head snaps to the side and he glowers, but quickly looks back to the road and shakes his head. “No.”

“I—“

“Is he your boyfriend?” Nesta asks before she can stop herself. She hates being so straightforward, but she needs something to fully distract herself and why not talk about the love life of her companions? Or companion? Does Cassian also have someone? The thought somehow makes her sad, but she doesn’t know why. It is just there, this tiny little feeling inside her heart.

“He is not.” “It is a little complicated,” Cassian adds and brings his hand up to clasp Azriel’s shoulder tightly. “But before you ask why, he does not like talking about it. So better no more questions.”

Nesta bows her head in acknowledgment. She wants to apologise, but does not, just looks back at the road. It is then that silence settles over them and Cassian doesn’t really like silence, not when it is uncomfortable. He reaches for the radio and turns it on. He likes the song and smiles when he leans back, lowly humming along with it while tapping his fingers against his thighs. (sleeping on the backtop - colter wall)

They drive for hours, Azriel says that he has brought one canister of extra tank so they can drive for a few days without having to find a working gas station (some still have a lot of petrol from before the pandemic as hardly anyone is driving anymore or out there). 

The sun begins to lower on the horizon when they have nearly reached the forest and Azriel pulls over. “Break?”

“Yes.” Cassian and Nesta say in unison.

Nesta is more than thankful, has she been squeezing her thighs for the last hour as she is in desperate need of relieving herself — behind a tree or bush, she does not care. Only that it needs to happen soon. As soon as she is out of the truck she makes a beeline for the thicket. “Don’t look!” she shouts back at the two men who only shortly look after her in amusement.

“You like her,” Azriel points out and grabs a bottle from the back of the trunk. It is a statement, not a question.

Cassian shrugs. “Would it be bad?” To that Azriel shakes his head and then smiles a little. “It is actually good. You finally need to move on and—“ “I know.” Cassian looks up at the sky, smiling to himself when the sun’s last strays fall onto his face. It wouldn’t be bad to like her? Or would it?

As the inside of the car has been boiling hot, the reason for all doors being open now, Nesta asks if she can wash herself a little in the tiny stream close to where they have parked. They both agree and join her at the stream where Azriel washes his face and Cassian does some stretching for his legs. 

“Nes, come here.” Nesta lowers her chin, slowly blinking open her eyes. She has sat in the late afternoon sunlight, letting the last strays warm her skin. The sun somehow has always remined her of her little sister, Elain. Elain was always a ray of sunshine in her life, the ray that has been missing during her time were she was held captive. That is missing now.

Nesta arches a brow at Cassian, a silent question. “I want to show you some self-defense techniques. Something you can protect yourself with when push comes shove, you know?”

He has a point, Nesta thinks, and slowly dips her chin. She gets up, walking up to both Cassian and Azriel, the latter looking as excited as Nesta feels — not at all. 

She stops in front of Cassian, glancing up at him, challenge glowing in her yes. “And now I should punch you?”

Cassian laughs lowly, the corners of his mouth tipping up. ”You would like that, huh?” Nesta purses her lips, mischief suddenly etched into her features. And Cassian, God, does he like that. 

“Not me, I am just the teacher here. Turn your back to me.” She follows without protest and Cassian is a little surprised, having expected at least some little remark. 

“I am going to touch you a little, Nes. Is that fine?” “Yes.” Her answers is quick like a shot, sharp and tight.

“You need to widen your stance a little, Nes, focus on your core.”

“On my core?” Nesta’s brows quirk up and she throws Cassian a look over her shoulder. He brightly grins at her and says, “Little dirty mind, huh? Yes, your core so you won’t lose balance and are steady when you have to fight.”

Colour fills Nesta’s cheeks, she sucks in a sharp breath while whipping her head back and staring straight ahead. Cassian chuckles lowly behind her, his presence suddenly wrapping around her like cloak. He is closer now, his hands on her upper arms. With his knee he nudges her legs apart a little, the movement making her breathing quicken. 

“Widen your stance a little more, Nes.��� Cassian’s breath dances over her neck like a cat’s tail, his fingers curling tighter around her arms. Nesta does as told, her eyes falling to Azriel who watches them in silent amusement. 

“And now?” Nesta quickly asks, her voice raspier than she has expected it to be. 

“Now position your hands like this.” He brings her arms and hands in the right position, letting go off her.

“And now imagine Az attacking you. How would you fight him off?”

"I would kick him in the balls!" Nesta says with almost gleeful determination, cruel delight sparkling in her eyes. Cassian huffs a laugh while Azriel’s hands on their own accord fold over his crotch. "Of course you would.” Cassian’s laugh makes goosebumps appear on Nesta's skin and she shudders a little, irritation about its affect coating her insides. 

“Unfortunately most of those fungus fuckers won’t be affected by it,” Cassian explains. “You have to plant your foot against their chest, shoving them back. It will buy you time. Then you get out your gun or knife and either shoot or push the knife through their brain.”

Cassian does some more explaining while Azriel has to serve as her training tool, he flexes his muscles, letting Nesta kick his chest and point her unloaded gun at him while Cassian gives orders. 

It is getting a little dark by the time they decide to return to the truck and—

“What was that?” Cassian can barely dodge the moldy fist that comes flying at him. Nesta is not quick enough. 

~~~~~~~~

tags: @helhjertet @moonlightazriel @aayo-whatt@crushedcloudsx @brekkershadowsinger @girasoli-e-sorrisi @ignite-me @swifti-ed @cassiansbigwingspan @burningsnowleopard @headcanonheadcase @banasheefan56 @a-frog-with-a-laptop

#nessian #nessian fanfic #nesta x cassian #nesta archeron #cassian acotar #acotar #acosf

[waitmyturtles]

Alllllright, a quick and dirty late review of the BELOVED show, Bed Friend, episode 8, which I referenced yesterday as getting just BETTER and BETTER with each ticking minute. A warning in advance that I am dizzyingly jet-lagged, so this may be non-sensical at times, but just roll with me, because:

IT WAS A GREAT EPISODE. Like I said in the comments of the post linked above, god, this episode had so much! I love the beach-vacay-and-temple-shots trope. I love that King jetted to see Uea. I love that they reconciled. I LOVE THAT WE GOT TO SEE FAMILY THAT LOVES UEA. I love King’s thirst for revenge -- we didn’t even SEE Krit in this episode, buh-bye! I love King’s desire to continue to make things right for Uea vis à vis the private investigator.

King didn’t just say that he’d take care of Uea. He is showing the hell up and doing the job, and damn. Yes, yes, he’s gotta channel that repressed energgyyyyy somehow, heh, but no, seriously. 

King’s in love with Uea. And I love how this show showed that development, and shows how committed King IS to Uea. While the plot is complicated, and full of STUFF -- King’s commitment to Uea is UNCOMPLICATED. It’s piercing through our hearts. He’s a man in love, and he’s gonna do shit for the man he loves, period. 

Geez. I so didn’t expect this from this show (as @wen-kexing-apologist noted in their review of episode 8 -- the seriously complicated plot at the start of the series made me wonder if this script was going to weakly solve everything with Uea just falling in love and being like, ooooh, everything’s great now). I didn’t expect that the very uncomplicated DRIVE by King to dig into Uea’s issues and help him problem-solve through his past would be the ultimate anchor for this series. 

I fucking LOVE that this show spun me for a loop. In a little bit of a Bad Buddy-ish way -- it took a player trope, the image of a player, and totally spun it on its head. King is weak for Uea. The kind of power that we think a player would have -- welp, King is using that kind of power instead to help Uea resolve real and tangible issues. 

I love that Lampang serves as a place of respite for Uea. I love that he has that, in physicality, and that King met him there. I love that it becomes, through Uea’s aunt and Uea, a place of love for Uea. We know he fucking deserves that.

I love seeing Uea fall for King. The corner smiles, the teasing, the silent giggling. The intimate confessions at the table near the kitchen (love all the implications of sitting at a place that means so much to making a HOME together, à la Kinou Nani Tabeta). 

I FREAKING LOVE LOVE LOVE THE COMPANY TEAM, Y’ALL. JADE AND GUN AND THE LADIES, come awn! Jade = MVP, one of the best.

This isn’t so much of an analytical review (I can’t muster the energy right now) as it is more of a love letter to how this show has fucking just held. its. own. against a tremendously complicated plot line. In particular, as many have mentioned, especially @bengiyo‘s stray thoughts, it was SO IMPORTANT, SO SO SO IMPORTANT, to see Uea take meds and talk about how receiving mental health care is helping him get through his days (@bengiyo, I’m also curious about the question you pose about survivors being offered mental health care at their companies -- as someone in the social services, that strikes me as a good idea, but I wonder if survivors have other interpretations, particularly related to privacy and labor retention, and the company avoiding harassment lawsuits).

In other words, this episode simply had everything. It doesn’t reach the Bad-Buddy-episode-10 echelon by way of both acting AND writing, but damn, did it ever close a hell of a lot of loops in a very convincing way.

And we get more next week. With all props to @wen-kexing-apologist: #pransdaddarktimeline edition looks like it closes out (and I HOPE that fucking mom GETS HERS TOO, pardon my franche). And a new guy in Uea’s life... this show keeps throwing curves, but now I trust that it’ll be handled well. 

#bed friend #bed friend meta #king x uea #uea x king #james supamongkon #net siraphop #net has been EATING THIS ROLE FOLKS #EATING THIS ROLE FOR EVERYDAY BRUNCH #the way he can reflect like FIFTEEN DIFFERENT EMOTIONS IN ONE GAZE TO JAMES #LIKE #that them some acting CHOPS

[light-lanterne]

hi! below you can find a list of all my stories, in progress or otherwise, as well as some pertinent links pertaining to them all :] the emojis attached to each of these are the tags i use for each specific story~

✨ reply to this post if you'd like to be tagged whenever i post ✨

halloween stories

🪄 samhain alms — fluffy prompts to fulfil your spooky needs

I | II | III | IV | V | VI | VII | VIII | IX | X | XI | XII | XIII

🪦 walpurgis hexes — dark stories to inspire nightmarish creations

I | II | III | IV | V | VI

chaptered stories

🌷 the darkest eyes — ao3 || masterpost || paladibun's art

post-canon, mike-centric, outsider pov, mystery, mental health struggles status: hiatus || progress: 6/21 || 158.9k words

🕰️ the trees are growing restless — ao3 || masterpost

s4 rewrite, groundhog day au, time loop possession, mental health struggles status: hiatus || progress: 3/22 || 51.8k words

🐈‍⬛ maybe i was destined to — ao3 || masterpost (tba)

s5 speculation, witch and familiar au, soulmates, vecna targets mike status: semi-finished || progress: 1/3 || 6,666 words

future stories

🎻 4'33'' — summary

post-s3, reunion, hanahaki-esque, mutism, online friends, will pov status: wip || progress: 0/4

🕊️ sin deep, my darling angel — summary

angel & demon au, strangers to lovers, courting, idiots in love, will pov status: wip || progress: 0/13

💐 how many tears to nurture a rose — summary

flower shop / bookstore au, reunion, childhood friends to lovers, will is a monster status: wip || progress: 0/3

🔪 ...but here is one — summary || snippet (4k words)

serial killer au, runaways, road trip, dubious morality, mental health struggles status: wip || progress: 0.3/20

🚀 telomeres — summary

to the moon au, established relationship, aged-up, growing old together, will pov status: wip || progress: 0/7

🪁 chasing paradise — summary

angel & human au, achromatopsia, little mermaid-esque, side wheelclair status: wip || progress: 0/3

🐐 a sun to his moon — summary

arashi no yoru ni au, goat & wolf hybrids, forbidden love, secret relationship status: wip || progress: 0/7

🍊 au revoir, bien aimée — summary

18th century royalty au, mike is the king, will tries to scam him but falls in love status: wip || progress: 0/3

🔭 the tetris effect — summary

modern fantasy au, will is a star, mike has amnesia, strangers to lovers status: wip || progress: 0/7

🦊 le renard et la rose — summary

fantasy au, will is a witch, mike is a kitsune, enemies to lovers, soulmates status: wip || progress: 0/3

one-shots

🔨 anthropophagy — full story || alt. version || sequel || inspiration

post-s2, dark au, cannibal will, serial killer mike, messed up friends, will pov status: complete || length: 5.1k

🪞 alucinari — full story || inspiration (contains spoilers)

no upside down au, mental health struggles, hurt/comfort, mcd, will pov status: complete || length: 7.5k

🌊 48°52.6′s 123°23.6′w — full story || explanation

canon compliant, mental health struggles, character study, hurt/no comfort status: complete || length: 4.8k

short ideas

🥀 sleep token fics — short byler stories based on songs by my favourite band

general ideas and analysis

📺 media fics — a collection of stories inspired by random movies, shows and video games i enjoy

life is strange .......... idea fear street ................ idea tokyo ghoul ............. idea black butler ............. idea rule of rose .............. idea death stranding ..... idea assassin's creed ..... idea

🎼 song fics — a collection of stories based on random songs i like

der doppelgänger ................... idea naturträne ................................ idea der schauspieler ..................... idea tänzelnd wie flammen ........... idea ein mann und seine seele ..... idea der tod der liebe ………………… idea

🎀 ficlets — small stories that are complete in their current form, or that i'm unsure if i'll expand on

will's 7th birthday ... story | fluffyfangirl's art | fruity-cleric's art werebunny au .......... idea | kuumara's ficlet byers family ............. el loves animals | jonathan needs weed potential stories ...... victorian au | siren & sailor au discarded ideas ....... avatar au | vampire au | birthdaygate

#✨ #🎃 #🌷 #🕰️ #🐈‍⬛ #🎻 #🕊️ #💐 #🔪 #🚀 #🪁 #🐐 #🍊 #🔭 #🦊 #🔨 #🪞 #🌊 #🥀 #📺 #🎼 #🎀

[taeiun]

request rules. currently: open ( 0/5 )

i. no smut. i’m a minor and also asexual. i’m fine with slightly suggestive content (eg. making out) but no more than that

ii. i write gender neutral and male readers. i do not write fem readers. my default is writing in second perspective but i can write in third person if asked.

iii. i only write for stray kids, txt and zb1 atm. i don't typically write for zb1's hyung line (jiwoong, hao, hanbin) as much but im fine with doing so. idm writing for yujin but mainly platonically or with less of a focus on romance. pls specify which members you want your request to be for! i'll just default to whoever fits the prompts if not. i write for everyone from stray kids and txt.

iv. please send in some detail with your request instead of just “dates with txt” or “cuddles with zb1”. 3-4 sentences is the ideal. try not to send a whole paragraph if possible as i probably won’t write it

v. i prefer writing drabble like fics rather than headcanons. mainly bc i’m bad at writing headcanons lmfao. i’m down to do requests for smau one shots too. please end your request with 🦕 to show you’ve read my rules .

vi. being polite goes a long way! a “please” or “thank you” or “hope you’re doing well” goes a long way.

vii. im not comfortable writing anything regarding: pregnancy, periods, reader being a certain race, heavy mental health topics, cheating, break-up fics. if you aren’t sure if i can write about something, feel free to ask

#🪐 . . planet of love !