#and self hatred

[slocumjoe]

I've said before that the synth thing would work better with a McCarthyism allegory, but for Danse specifically, its so similar to autism that it has to be intentional??

Like. The thing that really solidified that Danse in particular is just straight up about autism is Piper's line in Blind Betrayal. Paraphrased, it goes something like, "I mean...yeah, of course he's a synth. It was kind of obvious, wasn't it? I mean, have you heard him talk?"

The autism accent is a concept that seems to be popping up more recently, but its a real thing, and in my own experience, everyone in my life has been able to clock that there was something different about me from my speech. People thought it was weird that I used "adult" words as a kid, and was very technical and exact when speaking. I was often mistaken as being from places like Brooklyn because I had a weird affectation to my voice.

And there's just. This fucking line. "Have you heard him talk?". Piper is also the person who clicked McDonough as a synth. It's worth noting that McDonough and Danse both use words like "rabble".

But seriously.

Danse goes through his life being respected for his work ethic, intelligence, and strong sense of duty and morals, but he never really bonds with anyone, he doesn't make friends. He's respected, not liked. People want to work with him, but the best they have to say about him is about his work. He makes one single friend in his entire life, and never tries again after that guy dies. And no one tries to befriend him. He's their brother. He's not their friend. And he takes his job too seriously as a commanding officer to attempt emotional connection. He apologizes for overstepping on the few occasions he does.

He talks like a thesaurus, and no one is sure if its to sound smarter, or if that's just genuinely how he thinks. It's strongly implied to be the latter. He's incredibly knowledgeable and passionate about various topics. He sounds like a kid on Christmas when you risk life and limb cracking open a vault that's supposed to have riches, but instead, just has some historical items. He throws his Brotherhood prejudice away the moment he finds a farm run by ghouls that uses pre-war structures in a creative way, and scolds you if you do the Brotherhood thing and insult them. He also seemingly forgets that he's in the Brotherhood when meeting a child ghoul, that kid's parents, a shy, insecure ghoul who clings to children's media (despite Danse finding children's entertainment stupid and a waste of time), and Daisy.

And then there's the synth thing.

Danse has always been Danse, but one little word gets attached to him and his life turns upside down. His work ethic is no longer a work ethic, it's viewed as a perversion. His intelligence and manner of speech are no longer of his own merit and education he had to have given himself, they become inevitable, things he had no say in. His existence is both erased and explained by one word, and anything else is irrelevant or in question. People who once respected him want nothing to do with him, because this one word puts him in a context they find unnatural, corrupted, inhuman. There's even something there with the Institute. Autism is (incorrectly) associated with vaccines, the government, science gone wrong. It's a man-made horror.

And then you have the people he gets lumped in with, after being thrown out for this one word. They take schadenfreude in it. This is comeuppance, this is deserved. This one word, something they take pride in or have sympathy for and want to protect, suddenly becomes weaponized. It's a source of pride for others, but for this one person, we're going to use it as punishment. You weren't with us from the start, so now you really are on your own. It's not that there isn't a right way to be this one word, it's just that there's a wrong way, and even if you change accordingly, you will never belong with the rest of us.

Its. Autism is about exclusion, from everyone and everything. Always being an outsider, often too polite or nervous or jaded to even bother looking in. And at every point in Danse's life he didn't belong. He was a rogue synth, so he didn't belong in the Institute. He naturally thrives as a soldier, so he didn't belong as a junk seller in Rivet City. He was a synth and considerably more kind and compassionate than the rest of the BOS, so he didn't belong there. And because he was a BOS soldier and is still working out some bad traits after his exile, he isn't welcomed by the people who he was thrown to. Everywhere he goes, there's a big neon sign over his head that changes to whatever word will ward off everyone around him and he's so used to it, the thing that makes him angriest about being a synth is that he doesn't even have parents. He doesn't even have that connection to the world, of being born into it. There is nothing he can connect himself to beyond the Institute (which he hates) and the Brotherhood (which, if he continues to connect himself to, will drive him to suicide out of sense of duty, and he already agreed to not do that)

Its just. His entire story is one of absolute isolation and the final dickpunch of "You've always hated yourself, right? Good news, here's a reason to kill yourself that's professional and won't illicit pity from your peers, so no one will judge you for doing it or grieve you."

#fallout 4 #fo4 #paladin danse #gettin emosh with the babygirl this fine evening #always sobbing about how Hancock hates Danses fucking guts but not as much as he hates Danse laying down and accepting death #theyre such similar people its just that Hancock has finished his first arc of bettering himself. he just hasnt worked thru the guilt #and self hatred #meanwhile danse only gets the realization hes been an ass and needs to change. he never hits act 2 or 3 #because of shit writing

[phantaloon]

i was mean to my mom and now i want to kill myself lol

#i shall live in an endless cycle of shame #and guilt #and self hatred #tw suicide talk

[falteringknightgervais]

does Gervais have a strict moral compass he holds himself to? are there some lines he is willing to cross more than others? what is something that he would genuinely never do, even if offered a reward or an easy way out of a tough situation?

Absolutely. To the point of destruction, even.

Gervais was raised to an extremely high moral standard in his family, as a direct result of the Fordroys being both a fairly new noble family (only 200 years old) and being situated on a very volatile border. Screwing up means screwing up what tentative piece the border holds, traderoutes and maybe even inciting war if you screw up hard enough.

His personality as a result has grown into a destructive duality between his genuine thoughts and impulses, and the need to behave in a wise and noble way to avoid disaster befalling the people he loves and the country he grew up in. Self hatred for his own qualities (lack of ability to read, genuine enjoyment of adrenaline-fuelling behaviours, a sexuality that wouldn't allow for heirs, and more)

So the one thing you could never, under any circumstance, get Gerv to do, is put his own desires over the collective. He will not allow for it. And in a sense, that's what's eventually going to lead him to fall to @astoran-exemplar at the end of their storyline. He cannot allow even a friend to do something that he can't reasonably get himself to believe would be the better option for everyone, even if he doesn't have the answers. And even if it means forcing a friend to hollow him out COMPLETELY before he's allowed to pass.

That doesn't mean he hasn't done some questionable things though. In his dogged pursuit of answers to his sister's murder, he pushed a fellow knight to suicide before giving up the answers he wanted.

He's not proud of it. But suppose it answered the question of whether he was involved with it or not.

#Gervais is a heavily dualistic character #between an extremely wild nature and an extremely firm sense of morality #in the end it's born out of self-destructive love and duty #and self hatred #tw: suicide mention #Gervais' impulses do have some genuinely bad things among them #He grew up a bully for instance #a really intense one #And he has a tendency to be judgy or lose temper #but it's in feeling validated on how bad some of his genuine feelings would be to his role that he started pushing EVERYTHING down #that he didn't deem suitable for his position #he was self-destructing way before he came to Lordran honestly #He might have been self destructing since his voice cracked #and he started realising things about himself #as a young man will

[lgbtlunaverse]

There's a version of the "don't go grocery shopping while hungry" rule specifically for writers where you should never under any circumstances be allowed to touch your draft within 3 hours of reading a really good story. Because sometimes when you read something great your head goes "fuck this is so much better than my stuff I should make that more like THIS instead!" Look at me. That's the devil talking and you should close the document NOW.

#you will make superficial edits that do not gell well with the rest of your work #and won't actually capture what you thought was so good about that story #close the doc. sit down. think about it for a while. inspiration is fine. getting a 'eureka' moment from another story is fine #but if you find yourself comparing your work one to one with someone else's and taking any differences to be flaws on your part then STOP #you will never write good stuff by trying to make it look less like you wrote it #writing #writing advice #guess who just had to go into her google doc history and undo a bunch of panic-induced edits #because she read a fic about the same characters she's writing for? #meeee. they aged badly within just a few hours of hindsight. learn from my mistakes #self-hatred is not a good motivation for creation #fic writing

[bluegiragi]

mr riley.

early access + nsfw on patreon

#simon has a lot of reasons for his endless well of self-hatred #but the first seeds were definitely planted by him looking a lot like his shitty dad. #in this au his dad is still alive #but they haven't talked in decades. and wont ever again #also ppl who are paying attention will notice that this flashback is when ghost got the scar over his eyebrow #simon ghost riley #manuel roba #monster 141 au #giragi art

[dadbodbensisko-moved]

#ds9 #tng #voy #tos #star trek #star trek the original series #star trey voyager #star trek the next generation #star trek deep space nine #spock #s'chn t'gai spock #the doctor voy #7 of 9 #odo #data #lt commander data #commander data #lieutenant commander data #ok data doesn't have the shame and self hatred so much but i think he has the inferiority and he has emotions fuck off #mine

[prodigal-explorer]

literally every time i get a discord notif my heart is exploding

i hate this i hate having to learn all these social rules and forgetting them and getting in trouble for every mistake

i get it i’m incompetent

but i’m so done with these environments where a mistake is a strike and three strikes you’re out. i’m so tired of having panic attacks every time i slip up. what happened to making a mistake, reversing the mistake as best you can, apologizing genuinely, and then moving on? why can’t that be a thing anymore??

i’m just so tired of being anxious all day over a mistake. it’s ruining my whole day. and the mistake was wholly my fault and i was stupid but i’m spending all day hating myself and waiting in suspense. it’s not sustainable.

honestly the only thing stopping me from deleting discord and leaving every single server right now is the commitments i made. i’m not leaving anyone hanging, but i seriously can’t fucking do this again. i’m just gonna stop fucking talking in these servers since i can’t stop screwing up and putting myself through HOURS of torment.

i don’t want to be afraid anymore, and i feel like discord has become such a fearful environment for me because everything always about rules and making sure there’s never any conflict ever.

i feel so lonely. and that’s why i turned to discord to begin with. i just want to have friends that understand how hard being a human is instead of punishing me super harshly for mistakes that i’m obviously sorry for. of course some mistakes are unforgivable and i’m not saying to excuse me from those. but i just want friends who aren’t holding their breaths and waiting for reasons to drop me. waiting for me to slip up. and i know most people aren’t like that. but i have to deal with those kinds of people a lot irl, and it’s SO HARD to read tone online so i just end up assuming it’s the same for online as well.

i always find myself groveling for every little thing i do wrong and it’s exhausting. i wish i didn’t care so much about what people think of me but i do.

i’m just stuck here in suspense waiting to hear if i got kicked out or not, or if everybody hates me or not. i’m SO TIRED OF THIS OH MY GOD. at this point i almost want to be kicked out so i don’t have to agonize over it anymore. the only thing keeping me from leaving is the fact that i made a commitment but jesus

i’m totally writing a vent fanfiction about this bruh 😭 you can’t tell me roman wouldn’t go through this spiral

#ez’s vents #no tw #just a fuck ton of spiraling #and self hatred

[my-castles-crumbling]

Sirius Black proposing to Remus Lupin, because he would never do it himself- he has too much self-hatred and self-doubt.

Sirius Black getting down on one knee and asking if, maybe, Remus would be willing to love him for the rest of their lives, because he was absolutely sure that he would love Remus for the rest of his.

Remus Lupin tearing up and muttering in thrilled disbelief, “Are you serious?” Because he’s so happy and excited and he’s not thinking straight.

Sirius Black grinning tearfully and saying, “Yes, I’m Sirius. Sirius Lupin, hopefully.”

And Remus just fucking sobbing.

#marauders fan #hp marauders #the marauders era #marauder era #marauders headcanon #marauders fanfiction #marauders fic #harry potter marauders #marauders era #the marauders #sirius black is gay #sirius black was gay #sirius loves remus #sirius being sirius #remus loves sirius #remus x sirius #sirius black #sirius orion black #sirius x remus #remus with too much self hatred #remus being remus #remus john lupin #remus lupin #wolfstar

[kindnessoverperfection]

Please, if you can, take a moment to read and share this because I feel like I'm screaming underwater.

NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) stigma is rampant right now, and seems to be getting progressively worse. Everyone is using it as a buzzword in the worst ways possible, spreading misinformation and hatred against a real disorder.

I could go on a long time about how this happened, why it's factually incorrect (and what the disorder actually IS), why it's harmful, and the changes I'd like to see. But to keep this concise, I'll simply link to a few posts under the cut for further reading.

The point of this post is a plea. Please help stop the spread of stigma. Even in mental health communities, even around others with personality disorders, in neurodivergent "safe" spaces, other communities I thought people would be supportive in (e.g. trans support groups, progressive spaces in general), it keeps coming up. So I'm willing to bet that a lot of people on this site need to see this.

Because it's so hard to exist in this world.

My disorder already makes me feel as if I'm worthless and unlovable, like there's something inherently wrong and damaged about me. And it's so much harder to fight that and heal when my daily life consists of:

Laughing and spending time with my friends, doing my utmost best to connect and stay present and focused on them, trying to let my guards down and be real and believe I'm lovable- when suddenly they throw out the word "narcissist" to describe horrible people or someone they hate, or the conversation turns to how evil "people with narcissistic personality disorder" are. (Seriously, you don't know which of your friends might have NPD and feels like shit when you say those things & now knows that you'd hate them if you knew.)

Trying to look up "mental health positivity for people with npd", "mental health positivity cluster bs", only to find a) none of that, and b) more of the same old vile shit that makes me feel terrible about myself.

Having a hard time (which is constant at this point) and trying to look up resources for myself, only to again, find the same stigma. And no resources.

Not having any clue how to help myself, because even the mental health field is spitting so much vitriol at people with DISORDERS (who they're supposed to be helping!) that there's no solid research or therapy programs for people like me.

Losing close friends when they find out, despite us having had a good relationship before, and them KNOWING me and knowing that I'm not like the trending image of pwNPD. Because now they only see me through the lens of stigma and misinformation.

Hearing the same stigma come up literally wherever I go. Clubs. Meetings. Any online space. At the bus stop. At the mall. At a restaurant. At work. Buzzword of the year that everyone loooves loudly throwing around with their friends or over the phone. Feels awesome for me, makes my day so much better/s

I could go on for a long time, but I'm scared no one will read/rb this if it gets too much longer.

So please. Stop using the word "narcissist" as a synonym for "abusive".

Stop bringing up people you hate who you believe to have NPD because of a stigmatizing article full of misinformation whenever someone with actual NPD opens their mouth. (Imagine if people did that with any other disorder! "Hey, I'm autistic." "Oh... my old roommate screamed at me whenever I made noise around him, and didn't understand my needs, which seems like sensory overload and difficulty with social cues. He was definitely autistic. But as long as you're self-aware and always restraining your innate desire to be an abusive asshole, you're okay I guess, maybe." ...See how offensive and ignorant that is?)

Stop preventing healthcare for people with a disorder just because it's trendy to use us as a scapegoat.

If you got this far, thank you for reading, and please share this if you can. Further reading is under the cut.

NPD Criteria, re-written by someone who actually has NPD

Stigma in the DSM

Common perception of the DSM criteria vs how someone may actually experience them (Keep in mind that this is the way I personally experience these symptoms, and that presentation can vary a lot between individuals)

"Idk, the stigma is right though, because I've known a lot of people with NPD who are jerks, so I'm going to continue to support the blockage of treatment for this condition."

(All of these were written by me, because I didn't want to link to other folks' posts without permission, but if you want to add your own links in reblogs or replies please feel free <3)

#actuallynpd #signal boost #actuallyautistic #mental health awareness #narcissistic personality disorder #people also need to realize that mental health professionals aren't immune from bias #(it really shouldn't come as a shock that the mental health field has a longstanding pattern of misunderstanding and mistreating ppl who ar #mentally ill or otherwise ND) #the first therapist i brought up NPD to like. literally pulled out the DSM bc she could barely remember the criteria. then said that there' #no way I have it because I have low self-esteem lmaoooooo #anyway throwback to being at work and chatting with a co-worker. and the conversation turning to mental health. and him saying that #he tries to stay informed and be aware and supportive of mental health conditions & that he doesn't want to be ignorant or spread harmful #misinformation. and then i mentioned that i do a lot of research into mental health stuff and i listed a bunch of things. which included #several personality disorders. one of which was NPD. #and after listening to my whole ass list he zeroed in on the NPD and immediately started talking about how narcissists are abusive and #he knew someone who had NPD and how the person who had it had an addiction and died from the addiction in a horrible way and he #was glad he did #fun times #or when i decided to be vulnerable and talk abt my self-criticism/self-hatred bc i knew my friends also struggled w that and i wanted to #support them by sharing my own coping methods. and they both(separately!) started picking and prodding at my npd through the lens of stigma #bc i'd recently opened up to them abt having it. they recognized self-hatred as a symptom and still jumped on me for it. despite me #trying to share hurt vulnerable parts of myself to help them and connect with them. #again..... fun times

[amygdalae]

its interesting to me how self-deprecation neatly ties into making others feel bad. like. if you constantly assume that you’re stupid no matter how informed or skilled in a topic you might be, people who are a bit less learned or skilled than you might see how you, someone who is obviously skilled, talk down about yourself, and assume that if you think YOURE an idiot you must think theyre an even bigger idiot and lose confidence or find you intimidating as a result. its fucked up. and its part of why it can be so important to break out of cycles of self-hatred--not just for yourself, but for people around you

#speaking as someone who deals w imposter syndrome and self-hatred constantly. its just an important perspective to have #especially cuz when you deal with self hatred sometimes self improvement sounds less appealing if you only think it helps you #but understanding true self-confidence as something that can also be good for those around you kind of helps motivate me. idk #sorry i need to eat dinner im feeling a lil loopy

[cammyluvss]

stop liking this you little fuckers

if this gets 20 notes in a week ill start drawing more and going outside

if this gets 100 notes by the end of march i will actually try in school

if this gets 200 notes by the end of march i will eat more, ,,,,,,rn i only eat lunch

if this gets 400 notes by the end of march ill stand up to ppl at school who bully me

if this gets 500 notes by april ill stop cvtting

#shblur #988blr #ewwww #sh cvt #sh #988twt #tw s3lf harm #tw sh related #self mutalition #self h@rm #i have a deep hatred for ed sheeran

[spilledkaleidoscope]

unreliable narrator

#disco elysium #disco doodle #disco sapphics #I had uploaded the sketch but then realized I want to double down on this one #just to paint Dolores Dei #the most dramatic breakup possible: the lesbian breakup #I always feel so bad for Dora. #reduced to a deity who has to spew Harry's self-hatred #In this case Dora might have not introduced them as a couple in the beginning - but “never” is just wrong #Dolores Dei #Dora Ingerlund #comic #harry du bois #harrier du bois #my art

[hualianschild]

#vs that ultimate simp king self #he is a god tho ? almost #every time he utters a word of self hatred i want to bonk him in the head #like mf you're so pretty and beautiful inside and outside how dare you ??? #he's such a gemini (just like me fr) #also let me give you a big hug you cute hater #tgcf #heaven officials blessing #hua cheng #san lang #tian guan ci fu #mxtx #heaven official's blessing #text post meme #hob

[bluemoontarot]

Are you okay?

No, I'm role-playing emotional tragedies between two fictional people and I feel more connected to this fake person's emotions than I do my own.

These tears are not for me or my plight, but for the idea of a person who suffers despite doing all they can, ignoring the fact that the character mimics my own tragedy.

#shit post #idk #me tearing up at work as i write gay shit #miscommunication #and self hatred #so good to roleplay #thank god im not dating #id fuck it up #i dont think i wanna date im just not good enough yet 😂 #something something trauma and healing #ya know

[transjudas]

A world where roses bloom

#ofmd #ofmdedit #our flag means death #ofmdaily #ofmdsource #ofmdblog #alivedean #usereena #userkristi #izzy hands #ed teach #edward teach #stede bonnet #ofmd spoilers #i know ed and izzy still got so so many issues but i love that we got to see #ed having a moment of like... community with him as he sang la vie en rose in drag makeup and hair #because there's still the recognition that this is new and not easy for izzy #and izzy is one of them #yes he has done awful things to ed and vice versa #but izzy is finally slowly starting to deal with all the self hatred and internalized homophobia #and ed sees that #in that moment #augh

[aonik]

#pokemon #typhlosion #hisuian typhlosion #art #while twitter self destructs #i'm here #10 times more bitter and with rekindled hatred #but here nonetheless #edit: nvm tumblr became ugly too