#and since i wasn't diagnosed as a kid i wasn't as ~obvious about it and i find it hard to reconcile examples with myself if they | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sterlingarcher23 · 6 months

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An "eye-opener"

This quite literally opened her eyes... Oh, foreshadowing. Nachtigall ick hör dir trappsen.

"Let me see" (If "I hear you" while listening to the radio forshadows blind Max, the "Let me see" forshadows the opposite.)

Why? Because both Lucas & Erica are connected to the 8.

You know... Kali. The dice could have shown any other number in slow motion but it's the 8 before it's a 20 (the ElMax & Lumax patterns both equate separately to a specific number once the final verse happened: 20)

Lucas speaks directly to her inability to see and feel and he says "We're gonna get you some help". Not for the resurrection, he speaks to her condition, her loss of sight and unable to feel/been paralyzed (the dying/resurrection is addressed after this) - Some don't see her paralyzed forever but blind definitely? That is inconsequential. (Seriously, you can't just flat out say one part is probably not the case but the other is. - It's both or nothing. That's why it's in this scene.)

A supernatural genre show and you truly believe everything is going to be normal?

Blind girl...

...um, psych.

Blind girl connected to her friend - when she grabs Els hand, she pulls off her glasses.

"Rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold behind the clouds", Neverending Story

So behind Max's clouded eyes "rhymes that keep their secrets will unfold". We still have to see this, don't we? S4 didn't gave us this.

Angel by Madonna, in its final line, says "Clouds just disappear". One shouldn't overlook this line of the song when everything else IS in the show.

And how? You know how. Brenner explained it even to us. We just misunderstood who was actually meant.

You know "taking abilities & memories".

Well she IS alive, ergo she will see another day even though it won't be her "eyes" that she'll use. It doesn't get more obvious than in this line - not only for this episode but in whole since this scene is a forshadowing of both her death and resurrection (I think there's the clock sound at the 20 minute mark?):

IF Max lives (Yes & Yes), she will SEE another day (Yes and logically Yes again! + "In your hand/s the birth of a new day"). And Lucas & Erica will get her some help as Max demanded "Let me see" via the 8. (which is btw the shape of the binoculars too)

El will be Max's eyes. Yes, I agree. Literally. This scene here is meant literal. You remember Phineas Gage? No? Go watch the scene. 😉

I'll talk about Gage in another post but there's a case of a woman that was blind after an accident. She was diagnosed with brain damage ; you know the thing Max doesn't believe is a thing...and she's right in her case. That woman wasn't blind, it was a misdiagnosis as it turned out many years later. The woman had something else... similar to Gage's symptoms but the correct diagnosis wasn't brain damage.

Max is blind...but she isn't at all. Because she'll consume. The silver cat feeds. Abilities. Memories.

The Talisman which Lucas reads from passage refers directly to Speedy. Speedy Parker whose alternate version, Parkus is a gunslinger, a knight. There's a third character with the name of Snowball (Seriously!) a blind musician who, although never directly confirmed, the protagonist of The Talisman, Jack, identifies as Speedy Parker. Snowball is extremely good in identifying other people himself even though he "can't see" - but if he is indeed Speedy, how can he be blind and be able to see at the same time? The Talisman - a healing object like the Grail - doesn't answer this oddity, it can be interpreted as a case of multiple identities/versions. However it is obvious why the Duffers chose this reference: Max is "Speedy" and therefore Snowball. That's why the "Snowball" happened. Blind yet not blind at all.

Plus: El literally removes blindness where he blinds the kids.

Oh, and about that brain thing...wait for a space walk that's been foreshadowed too when Max is introduced to the class.

#elmax #max mayfield #stranger things #el hopper #elmax is endgame #stranger things analysis

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reading-sometimes · 11 months

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I was thinking. What are your Paw Patrol headcanons? If you want to say them obvious.

Hmm, I have a lot of headcanons.

Chase:

Ryder found him first and they talked about setting up the PAW Patrol together. Chase was really jealous of Marshall at first when he joined the PAW Patrol, because he saw Marshall being there as evidence that he wasn't good enough for Ryder. He also hated Marshall's jokes at first, since he's very professional and expected everyone else to be like that, too.

He has GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) even though he probably also has trauma/PTSD from his time in Adventure City. He deals with it by clinging to his routines really hard. He frets a lot about not feeling good enough and is really perfectionistic.

He's a theater kid (this is based mostly on that one episode, Pups Save a Show, where Chase was really into it lol).

He tries to hide his symptoms whenever he's sick and acts like he's fine until it's obvious that he's not. He doesn't like resting when he's sick because it makes him feel "lazy". He's also a hypochondriac and goes to Marshall begging for examinations all the time, though. He only pretends that nothing's wrong when he's actually sick.

He likes to pretend that he has no emotions in public but everyone knows that he does. He's the type to try to hide that he cries at movies and stuff.

He doesn't hang out with the other pups that often. He's mostly a loner. He hangs out with Marshall and Skye sometimes but that's about it. He only really opens up around Marshall or Ryder.

He doesn't know how to feel about Zuma. They get along, but they're so different that they're kind of distant with each other. Chase really admires Zuma's relaxed nature and wishes that he could be a little more like that, though.

He wakes up at like 5 or some early hour and goes for a run. He's really disciplined, but the rest of the pups think that it's weird.

Chase and Skye were in a relationship (based mostly on the first season in general when they were pushing Skase hard) before they realized that they were gay/lesbian respectively and broke up on good terms. It was awkward for both of them afterwards for a while, though.

When he told Ryder that he was gay, he was really scared and thought that Ryder was going to think that he was weird or something. But Ryder was completely fine with it.

Chase is a history nerd (this is likely because I am a history nerd, lol).

He tends to like muscular pups but he likes dating Marshall (a certified twink) because he can feel like he's the big buff pup.

He has trouble sleeping sometimes because he worries about practically everything.

Chase doesn't believe in jail and thinks that criminals need rehabilitation instead.

He's very polite to everyone when he's on missions, calling them sir or ma'am.

Marshall:

Marshall's the "therapist" of the pups since they all need one. He frets a lot about his abandonment issues (based mostly on Pups Save a Friend, the episode where Marshall left the PAW Patrol).

Marshall and Skye watch rom-coms (Hallmark movies, ect.) together.

Marshall's a psychology nerd and tends to diagnose everyone with something even if they only show some of the symptoms or if it's really mild (likely because I am a psychology nerd, lol).

Marshall mostly hangs out with Skye and Zuma. He tried really hard to include everyone, though. He has to fix Zuma and Skye pretty regularly after they nearly fracture their legs trying to hanglide or something.

Chase and Marshall have been together for around a year and a half and they're by far the most stable of the pups relationship-wise. They hardly ever argue because they know how to communicate with each other, and if they do it's over small stuff like cleaning their puphouses or something.

Chase hardly ever comes to Marshall's puphouse because he has "scary" dental supplies in there (not that a real ambulance would have that but Marshall needs a little bit of everything in there).

Marshall questions if he's gay or if he's bi and is mostly gay-leaning. It's not a big deal to him to put a label on it, though.

He likes to hate-watch Grey's anatomy and complains at the TV over all the medical inaccuracies. Chase hates watching cop shows because of all the inaccuracies.

Marshall really likes it whenever Chase wears his uniform.

Rocky:

Everyone else (except Ryder) has no clue what he's talking about 50% of the time. He'll talk about quarks or something without explaining anything and just expect the pups to keep up.

He's a loner, a lot like Chase. He spends most of his time building stuff with Ryder.

He hates talking about his feelings and tends to ignore them.

He's in an on-again, off-again relationship with Zuma. Rocky just likes Zuma's bad boy energy.

He has a garden, where he grows vegetables (he's very practical, he wouldn't grow flowers). He's also vegan.

He has a kind of half-friendly rivalry with Chase over whether Chase or Rocky is Ryder's favorite pup. (If any of the pups asked, Ryder would say that he doesn't have a favorite, but is that really true?)

He reads scientific articles for fun.

He didn't like Zuma at first just because he didn't like water.

When Rocky first came to the PAW Patrol, Marshall tried to be really friendly, but he went over-the-top with it and Rocky thought that it was a little annoying. Rocky barely talked to anyone except Ryder for a few months after he joined the PAW Patrol. He's not shy, he just didn't feel the need to.

He probably has autism.

He's gay, but he doesn't see it as a big deal.

When it's raining, Zuma cuddles with him under a blanket sometimes, since he's scared of the rain.

The only time that Rocky and Skye interact is when Skye needs something for her helicopter.

Zuma:

Zuma's the type to flirt with everyone for fun and not really mean it. He's allergic to committed relationships. Rocky's fine with them being polyamorous, even though Rocky wouldn't date anyone else, but he keeps breaking up with Zuma because he feels like Zuma doesn't really care about him.

Zuma and Skye listen to One Direction and stuff like that sometimes (since all of their vehicles have radios, according to the episode Pup Pup Boogie).

Everest and Zuma like hanging out doing adrenaline junkie stuff together (with Skye, sometimes). Zuma likes Jake because he smokes weed.

Zuma never really properly came out as bi, everyone just figured it out really quickly through context.

Zuma and Wildcat have a kinship.

He thinks that Chase is uptight and needs to loosen up, and that Marshall is boring now since he spends most of his time with Chase.

He likes partying a lot.

He regularly stays up until around 3 AM and sleeps in until noon or so.

He's jealous that Chase gets to go on so many missions and makes passive-aggresive jokes about how Chase is Ryder's favorite.

Zuma's really bad at accepting his feelings. He's quasi-accepting of other's feelings, but he just doesn't like thinking too deeply about that kind of stuff.

Skye:

She feels a little like an outsider among the PAW Patrol because she's the only girl.

She calls everyone "girl" like how Zuma calls everyone dude and they just have to deal with it. Marshall and Zuma take it in stride, but everyone else gets a little weirded out by it, especially Chase.

The PAW Patrol pups had to take college-like classes taught by Ryder before they got their jobs, and Skye had to take a lot of classes on meteorology and physics and stuff (which actual pilots don't have to do but oh well). Chase didn't have to take as many classes as the others, since he just did police academy training, but he took a lot of English and History classes afterwards. Rocky got an Environmental Engineering degree while Zuma barely passed his classes and that was only because Rocky helped him. Marshall had to basically become proficient at everything in the medical field (he's an EMT but basically does the work of a doctor, so he has to know his stuff).

Skye has a crush on Sweetie purely because of her accent, she's well aware that Sweetie's horrible lol.

Everyone tends to come to Skye for romance advice, and she revels in the drama and gossip.

Skye loves it when she gets sick because she gets attention and sympathy. She plays up minor symptoms a lot lol.

She's probably the pup who's the least close to Ryder. She just doesn't talk to him a lot.

Skye would be the most likely pup to growl, but it would sound really high-pitched. It doesn't sound intimidating at all, but none of the pups tell her that.

Ryder:

He's so bad at relating to people his age or younger because he just doesn't understand them.

He's either graduated from high school really early or he's taking self-paced online classes (he's the type to call a year's worth of schoolwork easy and do it all in like two weeks right before the deadline).

He volunteered at an animal shelter before finding Chase. He hated that he couldn't take all of the dogs there home with him, though.

Ryder brings in pups that he finds on the side of the road or hurt pups to the Lookout constantly. He fixes them up (it's mostly Marshall) and then gives them a home somewhere in Adventure Bay.

He probably wanted to be a vet or a scientist or something like that when he was a little kid.

The PAW Patrol was really poor when they started out (since Ryder said in the movie that they made their funding off of merch sales), and was probably initially funded by tax money.

He has a PAW Patrol official Instagram or Twitter account. He mostly uses it to post cute pictures of the pups every once in a while.

He stays up until 3 AM practically every night and subsists off of coffee and energy drinks. He eats very sporadically because he loses track of time (Rocky does this too, even though he's a little better at Ryder at eating, usually). He might have autism like how Rocky does, and if he does he's definitely a savant.

Ryder keeps a spreadsheet on what pups have been on what missions to try and keep everything fair.

Ryder's an atheist (based on that Halloween special in season one where Ryder keeps saying that there has to be a logical explanation when the pups are scared of ghosts). If he was religious, Chase would probably be too, though.

#I'm not a big fan of Rubble's so no Rubble lol #I couldn't tell if you were asking for PAW Patrol sexuality headcanons or just headcanons in general so I went a bit overboard lol #most of this is reflected in my fanfic #paw patrol #partying? weed? I don't know lol #long post #I love talking about PAW Patrol lol

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aroaceconfessions · 2 years

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My mom's handling this annulment case (we don't have divorce here only annulment of marriage) but, leaving out most of the details, what she told me was that the woman was forced into the marriage by her parents after she got pregnant even if she had no romantic feelings for the guy and only saw him as a friend. In fact, age never had romantic attraction to anyone at all. The forced marriage wasn't the part that disturbed me the most about the case (although it is fucked up and absolutely no one should go through that) but the part that got me that my mom was also annoyed of was that the psychologist they got to give her a psychological exam to prove she wasn't mentally capable to fulfill her marriage diagnosed her as a narcissist because she couldn't feel romantic love which is not only arophobic but also ableist since those two cannot be equated to each other as people with npd aren't necessarily aro and aro people don't necessarily have npd. It's also pretty obvious to my mom and I that she was just diagnosed this way to dehumanize her because our culture and society doesn't believe that any normal person won't have romantic attraction therefore they must be a narcissist and narcissists obviously can't love. My mom felt awful hearing how hard she tried to change herself for the sake of her marriage and her kids but nothing ever worked for her.

My mom was super upset about the case in general because of the blatant mislabeling and also the fact that the woman reminded her of me since I've been super open about being aro to her for at least a year now while educating her about the community. I mean, I'm glad my mom understood how fucked up the situation is and how gross the psychologist was, but I'm upset that PROFESSIONALS would even say that in a LEGAL case.

This really makes me wish that there was more information about being aromantic and asexual out there especially in my country so that people have better words to describe themselves and not put themselves in situations they won't be happy with. I feel really bad for that woman since she probably thinks that there now something wrong with her just because she doesn't have the right vocabulary or information to explain her experiences. I genuinely hope the best for her after all of this.

#forced marriage #aro #aromantic #aspec #arospec #arophobia #aphobia #ableism #asexual #aroace #acespec #aroacespec #arose #internalized aphobia #internalized arophobia

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grokebaby · 1 year

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I might be stating the obvious but the black feathered lady next to Nan here is ofc Mrs. Varpunen (Lassi's bio mom)

Oh yeah, another "is this already obvious?" statement would be that Varpunen means sparrow in finnish. Their last name is Sparrow.

You can quite obviously see alot of Lassi's facial traits like nose and jaw shape in her! How strange that Lassi himself isn't more beastly than he is, considering the Mrs. Here. However a big portion of his traits also come from the Mr - notably, blue skin.

She shall remain anonymous, but throughout this I'll refer to Mrs Varpunen as P

Back when the kids were small, Nan didn't talk about the Mr and P with names, hence why they're called that (Mr and Mrs) now. She would've talked about them with names if the kids ever asked but they never really did. Ykno how, as a parent, you don't talk about your fellow parent with their first name to your child?

"Why didn't she call them mom and dad?" because they weren't that to Lassi and Siru. Nan is their mom, and they had no dad. She raised them single. Though she did say "Dad" about the Mr every now and then in some contexts, it was moreso used to denote who we're talking about rather than earning him the title.

P was always an insecure and easily anxious demon, though she had better times prior to her marriage. She could be joking and brash and fun, even if that sometimes did lead her to more anxiety causing situations. I say anxiety, as in, if she could've been diagnosed, she would've had a disorder. She was born into warriorhood but the stress of guarding others lives and fighting threats put a huge strain on her mental health which, in her adolescence, caused her to leave the lifestyle behind. This unfortunately isolated her from most of her loved ones and relatives, since she moved elsewhere upon quitting, and well (insert lore that explains more why here). Ykno. You get the point.

This post will discuss emotional/psychological abuse and/or manipulation, and misogyny after this point.

Having to grow into her adulthood with untreated anxiety and consequently depression, P was easily swayed by Mr's charms when they first met. He's the kind of person who can make you feel good about yourself in his company only. He was quick to notice Ps insecurities and offered emotional support and attention she clearly hadn't received before. He ofc thought of himself as helping her but ykno, getting a deeply insecure and struggling individual to latch onto you in order to make them a loyal spouse is... Well shitty is an understatement..

I'm not saying there wasn't genuine affections from both sides, however that doesn't change the fact that their relationship was deeply unhealthy. The existence of love doesn't cancel out abuse.

Mr Varpunen met P first and Nan later, which is a part of why she was swayed to join the relationship in the first place. The Mr alone would've at most earned an eyeroll from Nan. But he'd gained more experience in how he navigated intimate relationships by the time they met, plus the inclusion of a third person in the relationship gave Nan some reassurance in it's stability.

Before anyone says anything about this: None of this is meant to put polyamory in a negative light, this is meant to portray a toxic relationship, in general - polygamous relationships can be toxic same as monogamous ones. Even if this was all monogamous, there still would've been all the same issues with Mr Varpunen included. In the setting where these three originate, polyamory is common and considered as normal as monogamy. None of this is intended to come off as criticism of the relationship model (I'm a poly attracted person myself btw), it's criticism of misogyny.

Back to the characters.

P was fond of Nan from the start, even if she felt worried about what this would change for her and Mr's relationship. This was ofc due to her unhealthy dependency on him. She rarely spoke to Nan 1x1 outside of any instance that warranted it - she didn't go out of her way to avoid it but would always look to her husband for the majority of things. She did often wish she and Nan could've gotten closer to each other but didn't find the courage to approach her, nor receive any advances she made, in fear of what Mr Varpunen would think of it.

Mr would later come to make multiple lighthearted remarks about being pleased his two wives are getting along - "Just so long as you don't get along TOO well", so they wouldn't stop needing him.. He didn't feel threatened by their relationship to each other in the slightest since he perceived himself as the one in control, and couldn't imagine things getting out of hand. It's no surprise he flew too close to the sun (or in this case the death God's mouth) later.

P often felt conflicted towards Nan since, despite finding her a genuinely sweet and reasonable person, the damage had already been done by then and she often resented Nan for being more seemingly "Well adjusted", levelheaded and independent (Though most people would seem more independent to P in comparison to herself). She often secretly wished Nan would be expelled of the relationship, jealous, and all sorts of other things she ultimately also felt guilty for thinking. She did acknowledge to an extent that her thoughts only came as a result of the emotional abuse but that wasn't enough to help her out of it.

Despite everything, P was always held up by Mr as the more "Attractive" and desirable one, however subtly. Nan was used to being modest and putting others before herself so she didn't really have the confidence to call this out, especially since it was done so implicitly. Had she mentioned, it would've been all "Oh Nan's jealous now, is that it? You want more attention than the other wife?? You're demanding even more from me???" with Mr. Nan was the humble, low maintenance wife, and P was the hot, special, "can't be left alone poor girl". P's appeal was due to her being apparently stronger and more potent supernaturally since she was born into a warrior/"beast" lineage. You'd think this would earn some respect but it was mostly just being objectified unfortunately.

Mr would live at their homeside with his wives, but go out to the human realm to work a job he'd acquired there, and so he'd leave almost daily, sometimes for multiple days at a time. This was however balanced by him sometimes staying home for a few days in turn. Oh, Nan and P? Taking care of the home and all, ykno.. "As women should".

Vaguely related, but Lassi came out of an egg, whereas Siru was born. (is that how you say it? Birthed??)

Both chicklings were covered in silky black plumage at first, ykno, baby feathers, but they shed it in under a month as they tend to do. Lassi ended up being the favorite due to being a fat little peep and resembling the Mr more than Siru. Neither wife felt quite right about the obvious favoritism, however P was just relieved it was the one she made that became the Fave. Nan never talked about this to either of the children later on and though she mentioned Lassi resembling the Mr more, she preferred being vague about it as to not cause rifts between the siblings. Ykno, like a decent parent.

Though the names of the kids were decided as a group, Mr Varpunen insisted they were named the "human way", against the traditions of their kind. He was of course planning ahead on bringing the kids with him, as he intended for the whole family to move to the human realm eventually.

Both Siru and Lassi were under a year old when P and Mr Varpunen met their demise.

#Character notes #(the variety where it's a huge essay about the intricacies of their psyche)#Nan #Lassi's mom #Demon oc #Backstory #Uhh yeh!!! Drops this on you #Content warnings in text

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egyptian-sun-god · 10 months

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Autistic Ppl of Tumblr

I beg of you please help me....

So I've been recently told by an autistic friend of mine, hey you reflect a lot of traits that got me diagnosed, maybe look into it. I have and I'm lowkey connecting with a lot of things so I need someone who's had similar experiences to objectively to look at this mess and tell me if anything resonates? I beg help.

Right so some things which to me feel like very clear traits are

I always feel like everyone is like me. Which makes me struggle with empathy because I don't fully get why someone would be mad about something that doesn't make me mad. I once teased a mutual about something that personally if they'd teased me about I would've been fine but was told ayo that's not cool. And I genuinely didn't fully understand why they'd not be cool with what i said.

I don't really get what's socially okay or not okay. Example would be I say stuff that other people say to each other but its okay for them and not okay for me because they're close so they can say that to each other and I'm not close w them so I shouldn't say that which didn't fully make sense but I accepted it. Also I tend to cut into conversations which is also rude.

I went 2 years being very severely bullied but I didn't realize it because I thought that's just how ppl were. Cause people in my old school also made fun of me but I made fun back so I just thought that's how kids are but apparently I was severely bullied; For context, I'm brown so when ppl touched me they used to mimic washing their hands or make a whole deal about sanitizing their hands. I got pushed down stairs, my stuff would get hidden, lunch getting tossed out, laughed at for my accent or like my demeanor in class.

I mimicked a lot of things other people say. Like someone around me would say something and I'd repeat it instantly. Didn't fully know why, it always just felt like an instinctual thing. Even now I mimic the way people speak instinctually as a way to connect and feel more natural in the conversation

Leading with that I also copied how other people acted in social situations as sort of a social script on how to be? Like I'd see my friends talk and try to mimic the way they spoke or like what they were interested in to connect with them.

I overthink the smallest things like oh is this person mad at me? Have I done something or said something? They haven't messaged me since day 1 of like highly specific moment maybe we aren't friends anymore. Like when I first made friends with someone very quickly that I didn't expect I literally analysed it to a science with a friend because I didn't know if we were actually friends or was I just dreaming it or something. And this happens with every single friendship till I get some obvious verbal confirmation that me and a person are friends.

I get very defensive or argumentative about what I think is right or fair or what should be the normal even when I shouldn't be arguing or it is pointless to argue. My father always says I argue for the sake of arguing which I don't think is really true, I'm just trying to prove my point which I think is right. I'm working on learning when to just shut up and apologize and move on tho.

I HATE HATE HATE having my stuff moved around without my knowledge. So my mum cleaning my desk or moving my stuff always sends me half into a fit. I'd much rather move things myself. I dislike other people touching my stuff with a passion. When my parents had to move houses and they had to open my drawers without me being there I was so paranoid and stressed on call even though I didn't have anything to hide. I just felt stressed, I suppressed it tho cause I felt like it wasn't the right thing to express? But I still remember how on edge I was.

I struggle with certain senses. Like what was fine 2 minutes ago in terms of noise and people and lighting can very quickly go into a stress or panic attack type feeling where everything just feels dialled on 200% and I need to leave ASAP. Sensory overload may be the term for this.

I had a very strong aversion to certain foods and textures growing up. I think I have somewhat grown out of this or have learned to firm it and move on, but as a child it was terrible. I still get very nervous when my friends are like oh you should try new foods because I'm always scared I'll hate them and I will waste it or I just don't know how it's going to taste like so I don't really want to take any risks.

I talk a lot and I talk for hours on end about my interest and it doesn't really affect me when the people around me don't actively listen to me. I just continue rambling and go on tangents here and there

I can't sit still and I always feel very understimulated. I feel like my brain needs more things to work. There's a running joke I need to be at a 90% stress level for optimal studying

I'm very time-blind. I'm perpetually late to everything in life. Like I look at the time and I'm like oh yes showering and eating will only take me half an hour surely ill make it by 2.30. sike, i only leave my house at 3.45. That sort of vibe.

I struggle a lot with remembering overall things but certain things I can recall down to a science. I can't remember where I kept my phone last but I can remember my friend's bubble tea order from years ago.

There's a lot of times people have to tell me to be quieter because I'm too loud for the setting. I can't really control my volume well, I try but it slowly just goes back to default

This is a hyper-specific memory but someone was like asking yo do you know what rizz means to the general group and i automatically chimed that it meant charisma and everyone was disappointed cause apparently I wasn't supposed to answer that question but i didn't actually know and I felt bad after.

I bite the skin of my fingers all the time to the point fingerprinting me is a bit of a pain. I can't fully stop it even when I actively try to. its a very automatic thing when I'm just in any situation.

I don't get arbitrary social rules. Like I always bother people for the why in everything

I have to usually confirm when people are joking.

I weirdly am very social though. I love meeting new people, I'm a big extrovert I LITERALLY cannot survive without talking to people. Talking to people is a big source of stimulation and energy for me. I get very depressed if I haven't had one good conversation with someone in a day.

I'm also a social butterfly and I'm kinda good with small talk and casual conversation and keeping the flow in a conversation going naturally (though this is a fairly recent development from like high school only)

I'm told I'm a very honest and direct person and I have no problems being open about my problems and issues and deep shit to people in the first conversation we have. I thought this was normal...apparently its weird

I feel all of my emotions very deeply and getting lied to or having promises be broken is a very deep hurt for me. Like even the smallest things can lead to full sadness cry and the tiniest W can be like the cause of singing joy.

I don't think I stim.....but sometimes I'll just move my hands or feet randomly because I feel unstimulated and I need to just feel something so I move around. And when I'm on a panic attack I rock back and forth and sing to myself. But I think thats normal

I used to get very stressed over talking on a phone call to make orders or like ask for anything on phone and even today sometimes I'll need to rehearse what I'm gonna say to the person on call. Its gotten better though, I no longer dread calling customer service.

I don't really have a set routine for the day either. I'm quite spontaneous but certain things I feel weird without. Like if I shower at night I hate it. I need to shower before I start my day. I need a cup of milo/tea or else I just feel weird the whole day. Or something that is a routine is that I have a wet drying rack for my dishes and a dry drying rack and I cannot put wet dishes on the dry drying rack at all costs even after my flatmates have said no one follows that rule.

I struggle with paying attention in class but I take good notes and I study well and I'm overall a fairly academically strong student. But like sometimes class is just boring and I just need more energy. And I can't sit still to save my life.

So yh that was a rant. Is any of the relatable?

#being autistic #autistic spectrum #autistic experiences #autsim #???? i guess #help #autistic adult #maybe idk yet #relatable content

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crossstitchbossbitch-blog · 6 months

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We finished our first full playthrough with friends (four player characters, no NPC / origin character companions in the party).

Obvious bg3 spoilers because big brain = big bad.

It was loads of fun, I genuinely got myself a console just to play it myself. I like RPGs like DnD but this is on another level. It is such a rich game to explore and my adhd brain is well suited to chasing butterflies and unearthing side quests and little bits of lore away from the beaten track.

Granted, the intense final combat was a bit much for me, so once we finished the game I hopped back into my solo save where I could complete Astarion's quest and do the graveyard smash ;)

So lucky to have a similarly nerdy, ND partner who romanced Lae'zel and can't say SHIT about my elven vampire cutie fangirling. I blame it on reading Anne Rice when I was 12.

Additionally, I'm lucky to have a friend group where we can play RPGs digitally and in real life! We have a loose dnd / BESM rules game going, and we are starting another one using the rules of In Nomine. I tend to draw in my notebooks as I play RPGs, it helps me concentrate. At first folks thought it was rude, but I explained and all of my group are super cool about it now 😁

It is 2:30am. Way too hyped off video games and a busy night volunteering with kids before that. My flood defences activity with 24 unruly kids was a success as well, so still coming down off that high.

HOW AM I MEANT TO RELAX AND GO TO SLEEP WHEN I JUST KILLED AN ARCH VAMPIRE LORD AND THEN GOT TO BANG ON MY VAMPIRE LOVER'S GRAVE??

Also, fuck, I had a huge boost in respect for the writers on this game as more and more of Astarion's story is told. He was sent out to seduce people, "using his body". Anyone who has had their quota of shitty relationships / meaningless sex / abusive / unhealthy treatment in their lives knows that it leaves a bit of mental scarring and all of the unpacking it takes to get healthy again. Reading into it with Astarion's story is so refreshing. He doesn't stay broken, but he has to work through it first.

His need for autonomy is key in this, and he has actual boundaries and as a player you can respect them and then it improves the romance / approval/ relationship mechanics! Your actions being informed by your level of understanding of trauma and healing impact how he is able to recover.

For a part of the game you're not actually sleeping together and it makes sense.

I have actually seen quite a bit of online discussion around all the various options of intimacy in the game <5 way in sharess' caress> and apparently he has a line about "being a million miles away". That's straight up dissociation to cope with being in that situation. Kudos to the team writing lines for a character who is objectifiable, who ends up participating in elaborate sex, but then that character is still able to share an authentic and believable response about how they went into survival-dissociative mode... it just really struck a chord with me. You can consent and be willing to do stuff, but you might not be "fully there", for your own survival.

Personally, I met the best partner for me through a dating app, as my era of dating and hookups slowed down. I definitely had some prior shitty experiences where I wasn't safe or even in control. We waited a bit before actually doing the deed, and it was better (for one thing I wasn't drunk). As I have since got diagnosed with adhd and learn more about sensory differences I have realised how easily I get overwhelmed but still crave extremes of stimuli in certain ways. No smothering hugs or soft strokes that tickle skin, but a deep pressure or even a scratch is better for me. My partner listens and doesn't push those boundaries.

In the context of this game and this character, I have been realising that I coped with a lot of previous physical encounters by "being a million miles away" or not valuing my own autonomy. The writers clearly know about surviving this shit and actually created a fantastic character with tons of nuance and vitality (for an undead vampire spawn).

Tl;Dr good game, great writing.

#baldurs gate 3 #baldur's gate 3 #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #neurodiversity #love language #parallel play #gaming #astarion #astarion baldurs gate #adhd #anne rice #vampires #goth #rpg #ttrpg #trauma #healing

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yuukei-yikes · 1 year

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ah! if you're taking questions about the fankids, can i ask about what's going on about the whole reincarnation thing? (how konoha finds out, if anyone else figures it out, even how he finds out about konoha (before he died) and the whole "daze" thing in the first place. poor kid's got a lot to deal with lol)

YIPPEEEEEEEEEE <- this yippe was written before i finished writing the reply. no yippee anymore. under the cut bc i also went crazy long with this and its embarrassing and erm erm erm erm. hehe. so much mental illness i basically wrote a fic under the cut

i've actually answered this before BUT im changing my answer. when i answered that ask konoha and ayame were only like 40 hours old so now it's simmered in my head better...hehehehheheheeh <- my evil laugh because im abt to give konoha 80 mental illnesses.

so i know i linked to the old answer but if u went to read it just forget abt everything i say in there

yknow how i talked abt like overprotective parents haruka&takane in my last ask LOL i actually had a big wall of text that i deleted while answering because it was rly sad and it got super long and i was like erm. maybe another time and THEN I GOT THIS ASK AND IM LIKE BOYYY WHY DID I DELETE THE TEXT but whatever i'll just go crazy now and even more bc i can dedicate the whole space to it HEHEHEHEHHEEH

konoha is nonverbal for years and since ayano works with kids i think she knows sign language teehee and when it became obvious konoha wasn't going to speak as a kid haruka&takane are like. well. let's do that ig. mekakushi dan learning sign language arc 💖 still is nonverbal most of the time i think. if i had thought of it beforehand i would've kept it for present time JUST IMAGINE THE DOODLES I MADE THE FIRST TIME HE'S SIGNING EVERYTHING IVE DECIDED MY NEXT GEN KONOHA IS NONVERBAL. HE DICHO. CASO CERRADO

ok they're overprotective not only bc they're disabled4disabled and terrified that konoha will one day wake up and be diagnosed with u got 6 years to live type of thing but also. konoha autism swag

and when konoha becomes a toddler shit goes down. then he starts hallucinating and having all these night terrors abt stuff like hibihiyo's timeloop and reviving azami over and over while she was living in the real world but also he's a kid so he doesn't really register all this horrifying stuff the same an adult would duh. and he kind of ALWAYS saw it he just can put it into words now ig. so he's not like AUUUUGHHH he's more like.. confused and scared. he's also not super communicative and i dont mean that bc he's nonverbal like even if he is, he still speaks through signs!! but he's still kind of quiet and slow and etc. like he IS konoha yknow?? he's just like playing and hanging out and suddenly just sees azami and he's like erm mom can u tell the lady in the corner to go away :(( and takane's like LOL. GET IN THE FUCKING CAR. he just gets diagnosis or derivations to other doctors and a child therapist etc and its not wrong bc HE IS completely human now and that whole thing IS translating into not only a human mind but like A TINY human mind. basically mental illness. so many mental illnesses.

HE'S STILL A RLY HAPPY KID...BUT THERE'S SO MUCH TO GET THRU... it's not like he's permanently hallucinating or having night terrors every night either he leads a fairly normal life!!! and is a little kid and has fun and plays around and he's so so so sweet and rly happy!!! but. there's also The Horrors.

i dont think the dan would hide their powers. like yeah sure kano can turn into a cat yippeee!! if we lose a toy we go to hibiya he can find anything!! seto can ALWAYS guess what number we're thinking of it's so funny!! LIKE IT'D BE CUTE RATIO + PLAYING + HAVING FUN OK? PEACE AND LOVE ON PLANET EARTH, OK!?!?!?!?

but the thing is that haruka saw everything konoha did like THEY WERE. YEAH. haruka & konoha is a THING so i think konoha can ask something and haruka's increasingly like HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT bc there is no way ANYONE could've told him that like the only person who would know is. WELLLLLL KONOHA? i think the big reveal can happen thru konoha being like hey. do u remember when we talked. in that big white room that never ended. that was rly weird lol like when did that happen. where even were we lol. also u were yelling thats so weird u never yell it was scary. lol!! and haruka's like Hehe(shaking) bc as soon as he realises He Cannot Stop realising

what the dan doesn't say is their story ofc bc it's rly sad and like why would they tell their kids abt that lol but. konoha starts asking Questions... Very Specific Questions.

ok sorry i havent even gotten to the way he finds out he's even awakening eyes LOL i think haruka realises btw. he realises before konoha realises. well konoha DOESNT realise. but he HAS been having this identity crisis and he's like damn i already transed my gender WHAT IS IT THIS TIME and he keeps asking these oddly specific questions that are freaking everybody out because he's not even really asking about their pasts?? he's just like mixing his old memories to his current memories and being like uncle shintaro remember when we fell off that high place together :3 and shintaro's like what the fuck are u talking about. like he doesn't describe it specifically enough or whoever he's talking to just assumes someone else told him abt something that happened back then.

like THATS HIS OTHER SELF so haruka isnt even doubting it, as soon as he realises HE DOESNT UNREALISE HE DOESN'T TRY TO CONVINCE HIMSELF OTHERWISE once he knows HE KNOWS. but konoha still doesn't know he's just kinda watching haruka having like a crisis or something.

from then on erm.... about how to manage it... well it'd be a complicated situation. haruka obviously tells takane and she's like ur fucking crazy lol im gonna go talk to him *leaves* *comes back* ok u were right. how the fuck did we even create this.

basically the dan knows before konoha does and it becomes a rly complicated subject about what to do about it because most of them are like the only way to rly make sure is to talk to konoha and they dont know if they wanna do that because they'd have to come clean about their horrible story and yknow konoha's just a kid!! but also if he IS konoha and everything he is seeing are those awful memories then he should know? for peace of mind? maybe? it's... a whole thing. like konoha isn't.... suffering. like obviously all his mental issues are awful but it's not like they will go away just by having context to some stuff. he's still a happy kid. the dan's like ok somehow haruka and ene created a freak of nature. it happens.

like what if they tell him and then all the memories become super clear. why would they wanna do that. most of the memories are total ass and awful. but also konoha's clearly confused and feels so lost. but maybe that's better than him being properly traumatized by remembering everything??

at the end of the day haruka and takane are the parents and they have to decide lollll man they'd be so torn about it. konoha probably throws a line like i just always feel like im forgetting something. THEY'D BREAK DOWN ON EACH OTHER SO BAD AND KONOHA'S LIKE WHYYYY ARE U GUYS CRYINGGGG!?!?! srry haruka and takane for putting u thru the horrors. i think it's funny to do that. congratulations on the marriage and the kid but also cry about it

erm. idk if or how they'd tell him. this is all i can come up with now. bye tune in for next chapter i fucking guess

#ask tag #dont look at me. im THINKING.#kagekids #headcanons

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misslavenderlady · 11 months

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: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

06: How do you want to die

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

It's complicated. (TW: long story, verbal abuse, disability, fighting)

My mother was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was 9. Not only did she also lose her job during the recession that time, but she and my dad also got divorced. That was such a shitty time for us all, but it was what started a big change in our lives. I had to step up and be a caretaker for my mom when I was still a kid. The more her condition worsened, the more I had to help with. I make sure her house is clean, my fiance and I pay the rent since she can't work, and I have to play the role of parent now. It hurts because it feels like I lost my mom. I can't go cry to her about life because I'm expected to step up and be strong for her. M.S. has also affected her mental health and she has a lot of ups and downs. Her frustrations and irrational anger gets thrown at me and we end up fighting sometimes because it's not possible to communicate with her. I love my mom dearly and we have so many happy memories, but it's hard to not have the person I once knew.

My dad is a bit odd. He comes from a family where teasing is shown as affection, and you're seen as a killjoy if you don't like it. He also wasn't very helpful to my mom when she was pregnant with me. Don't get me wrong, he worked hard to provide and all that but he also had a short fuse that led to a lot of verbal abuse. I still remember him screaming at my mother accusing her and me of not loving him or respecting him. She was cowering in the corner the whole time. He ended up re-marrying when they divorced and it was painfully obvious he loved his "new" family more. He'll deny it, but I know he wanted a son, not a daughter. He was there for all my step-brother's events but complained or flaked out on mine. Whenever he had me for weekends I had to sleep on an air mattress in the basement. I didn't even get my own room. Plus, that's where my stepbrother kept his drums. If he or my stepmom was in a shitty mood over something small I did, he'd call me a brat and send me home to mom. He even once drove me three hours back home halfway during a family vacation because he thought I was ruining the fun everyone was having (I just wanted to rest in my room and not stay up late playing games). It was so hard, and I held a lot of resentment for him abandoning my mother when she was diagnosed. We had a HUGE fight when I was 15 and we went to family therapy over it. Nowadays I just sometimes meet him for dinner to catch up or we go to family weddings or holiday events.

Both of them just feel like strangers now. I see my grandparents as my true parents since they've done so much for me and love me so dearly. I also love my stepdad like a real father too.

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

I do, but not just romantic ones. I think platonic soulmates are real too. Just someone you feel so genuinely happy with and you want to explore the highs and lows and unknown parts of life together. Something beautiful to share.

06: How do you want to die?

Is it cliche if I say "in my sleep"? I just don't want to be in fear of the end or in pain. I want to feel like I'm just going to sleep and dream, and have it be that. I think that's a reasonable thing to want.

#lavender lady rambles #ask me stuff

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greenyvertekins · 9 months

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I just wanna let you know I really appreciate how open you are about your disabilities and how they affect you on a day to day basis. It makes me feel more comfortable about talking about my own medical issues and how they affect me on the day to day as well. I just want you to know it's really, really appreciated, especially since there's always been this sort of taboo where I grew about about talking about disability and how it can affect you even beyond the more obvious cases

I'm very, very happy that being transparent about my struggles has helped you in some way :)

Even though I wasn't diagnosed until I was 28 thus my problems weren't taken seriously (They still aren't. But I have the legitimacy of a professional diagnosis behind me now.), I grew up largely cloistered due to frailty. I didn't do PE classes in adolescence, couldn't partake in watersports on our holidays abroad and my mom was wary of allowing me to play in playgrounds because I was and still am so easy to injure. And as I'm Asthmatic, my mom was always wary of me swimming and took precautions so I didn't catch cold if it was wintery as I have weak lungs. In retrospect, the precautions were wise. But I was annoyed by them at the time. One thing that amuses me to this day though is that as I have two sisters, my mom would give me the extra tidbit of food when preparing dinners if she couldn't split it perfectly three-ways between us when we were kids because of her reasoning that I was the sickly weakling who needed the extra nourishment XD

#Verte's asks #Personal

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liu-lang · 11 months

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turns out last monday was not my last therapy session

imagine my surprise when i call the office saying, "i got a text reminder that i have an appt today, memorial day, for my next appt. just wanted to confirm if this is a mistake since i know today is a holiday. my therapist transferred me but i hadn't received a new link to the appt" and the person on the phone said they would have my therapist give me a call

i see a missed call @ 11h45 from "no caller ID" so i called the office back and they said that that was her. the next call, i pick up, the woman on the other end of the phone asks if it's me but she mispronounces my full first name badly instead of just "kris" ... which i let slide bc my name looks foreign from an anglophone perspective. bc she pronounced my name so badly and used that instead of "kris" i thought this was the new therapist but actually it was the therapist i thought i had broken up with ?

so two months of treatment.....and she doesn't know my name. i could alr feel myself wanting to cry bc i thought i never had to talk to this woman again. i took a deep breath and reoriented my thinking, soothed myself and thought "okay, maybe i can use this to clear the air" - i was honest about how every time she tries to remind me "this is the diagnosis you have and it's not going to change, it's going to follow you, this is the right diagnosis" it triggered feelings from my mum who ... upon retrospect ... exhibit signs of Munchausen by proxy with me. she thanked me for sharing this with her which was also maddening bc this was not the first time i have said this, ever since she switched my diagnosis i would remind her, my reactions are informed by this medical trauma from childhood. i asked my therapist why we had to start every session this way bc it made me feel scared, unsafe, unheard and unseen.

she went on some spiel on how assessments and diagnoses are done (you know, assessments don't only happen in mental health, they happen in primary care, in a school setting, so this is totally innocuous and par for the course) - there really wasn't a point in stopping her bc i was alr aware of the obvious so i just said i understood. i was so frustrated and wanted to be genuine with how i felt, i didn't even care if this would give her more fodder to justify the diagnosis or the optics of it, i told her "i concede, i admit defeat, i accept the diagnosis, i'm not resisting anymore. i know the diagnosis stands as is, i'm tired of going in circles, i don't want to stagnate treatment by going over this anymore"

maybe that was not the most mature or kindest or most "mentally well-adjusted" thing to say but i really just felt like a kid again stuck in a doctor's office with my mum telling me "you have to tell the doctor the truth, tell them how it really is like, how bad things are so they can help you"

i told her every session we had, i've felt at a loss and confused about what we're exactly working on and she chalked it up to me being resistant to the diagnosis which is why every session we have to start with these "gentle reminders" of how her diagnosis is correct and also bc i was the one who asked her to do a really thorough assessment so she is just doing her job.

she finally did talk to my psychiatrist and she said they both came to independent findings that i fit this diagnosis...which is contrary to what my psychiatrist told me. my psychiatrist has clarified with me though i made exhibit some traits to differing degrees, 1) the symptoms i have now are a recent development and she understands other social health determinants (like financial difficulties, worrying about the job market) were impacting my mental health 2) i don't exhibit the minimum number of traits to qualify a diagnosis

in my fatigue, i made the mistake of saying 'i understand that multiple mental health professionals are in agreement' and she corrected me by emphasising these were independent findings, not an agreement. again i was too tired to fight so i know her idea is that i think she nefariously convinced my psychiatrist to come to the same conclusion as her.

i asked her, okay if diagnosis comes from observations, like what a patient says in therapy, then if a patient just didn't mention something (either not being ready to share with the provider or literally just not thinking it was worth bringing up bc they didn't perceive it as a problem), doesn't that just as easily change the diagnosis ? the therapist is just not privy to these things and can only make an assessment based on what is apparent to them. she said, she would still know bc she would see that the treatment they were doing wasn't working. so i asked, okay then conversely, if there is a misdiagnosis then the treatment could also not work ? i can't rmbr what her response was to this ... i think she just reiterated her credentials and assured me this is correct and reminded me that i shouldn't harp on the diagnosis so much, the focus is to treat the symptoms and a variety of treatments can be used for symptoms that overlap across diff diagnosis .......which makes even less sense to me since she just said she would know if a treatment wasn't working if the diagnosis was inaccurate in the first place ??

i also had to retell my entire history of when i started seeking therapy as an adult... every time i recount these life details, i can hear her typing... but idk what she is typing bc she never rmbrs anything ? she clarified that i took a break from my previous therapist for a little over a month bc i didn't think i needed individual therapy but no ?????? i told her i definitely did !! continue individual therapist and wanted very much to and saw the necessity in it and the hiatus happened bc of insurance reasons since i sought out couples therapy over the summer of 2022 and insurance dictated i had to do all my therapy under their clinic ... so that's why i had to switch individual therapists, not abandon it all together

at the end she asked if i wanted another session. last monday, i really waffled and wasn't sure but this time i was firm that no i don't want another session, i truly see that this is a bad fit. i am trying my hardest to be as open-minded as possible, i want to get better, i want the things i'm struggling with in my life to not be so difficult, i will take the diagnosis that apparently is going to haunt me forever, i can see myself attempting to work with someone else on this. the transfer will take some time which i think is a good thing... i do think i could benefit from a break of several weeks to maybe a month...however long it will take to line me up with someone new.

#personal #nyc move

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felixschokehold · 11 months

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This is just a personal venting post, no need to read or interact. I just need to get this off my chest.

I wish I hadn't been forced to go off to university at 19.

I am diagnosed bpd, bipolar, fetal alcohol syndrome, among other issues. My fetal alcohol isn't that obvious, but I do have learning difficulties/disabilities that were obvious when I barely graduated high school. I was in an abusive household, so my teachers passed off my grades as "bad environment" issues.

I moved in with my Spanish teacher who I was close with at the time when my dad kicked me out when I turned 18. I was no longer getting social security checks for my mom being dead and I was useless to him (I hadn't known about this 900$ support until after, I never saw any of that money while not being able to get new clothes, wearing the same tattered underwear from 5th grade to 12th grade, etc). Anyways, the teacher had her own kids and her own family and eventually they outgrew me and I was sent off to university.

I wasn't ready. I'd taken a gap year and didn't know what I was doing with my life. I was afraid, I was unsure, and I didn't even get accepted into this university. I was in what I call the "stupid people program". I got like 12 on my ACT, if that. I barely graduated high school. This program was meant to try to help out lower class kids to set them up for success. It didn't work.

I dropped out once to move across the country with an ex way older than me, who ended up abandoning me in Seattle not even two weeks after we moved there. I found family that lived out there, and they were so kind and offered to help me out and let me live there and go to school there. But, I felt pressured and decided to go back home to MN because that's what I thought I had to do. I was traumatized and didn't know any better.

I went back, a bunch of really bad shit happened (a lot of sexual assault, alcohol dependency, etc). I dropped out when I was put on academic probation because I failed all of my classes. I attended two of like six classes one time each and never went again the whole semester.

Now I have this fear, trauma, and stigma surrounding university and I am so scared to go back. I frequently have dreams about being back on campus, feeling good, but I wake up and just want to cry because I know it won't go like that.

I am going to have to have so much learning assistance to get through certain classes. I know that. And it makes me feel ill because my dad's screaming, taunting voice of, "you're just some fucking retarded cunt who can't do anything" sits in the back of my mind any time anything about learning comes up.

Not to mention the extensive debt I am in for trying and trying and trying to make something of myself when I wasn't ready.

I've been set up for failure since before I was born. And I can never be good enough to graduate from university.

#personal #my post #own post #unrelated #sorry this is rly heavy #is this the manic low i've been expecting?#hope not cos i gotta go to work lmao #can feel the suicidal ideation and shit setting in #yeehaw

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bpdstevenuniverse · 1 year

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// TRIGGER WARNINGS - past self-harm (cutting) and suicidal thoughts, mention of peeing

I hate that my mental disabilities were never acknowledged until it got out of hand.

My brother developed a tic disorder when he was very young, and since tics are more "obvious", then he at least began treatment early. As for me... although my schools always told my parents to put me in therapy, most of the time my symptoms were never seen as signs of mental illness. Everyone dismissed them as me being moody, which got worse when I was a teenager and I was bullied as well.

I think the only thing they recognized early was my anxiety, since it manifested in peeing, and I was barely 8 years old when it started. And even then, my parents only did something about my anxiety years later, when I started having panic attacks at school and at home too. But honestly, I'm pretty sure I was the one who decided I should go to therapy, that it was my initiative.

My depression then, it took years to be heard. I was 15 when I first noticed that I had periods of time in which I'd be alright and productive, only to fall into depression all of a sudden. I knew it wasn't PMS, because one time the depressive episode lasted nearly a month. I knew something was off with me, but my therapist initially denied I had depression, maybe because I was still functional on the outside.

I had panic attacks again in 2020, which convinced my dad to put me back in therapy (I'd stopped it because of money) and I finally started seeing a psychiatrist, too. It helped at first, I took escitalopram and I had little to no panicking episodes after that. On the other hand... my depression got really, really worse. I couldn't get out of bed or engage with college. My suicidal thoughts got the best of me, too.

Finally, everyone realized I needed help once I started cutting my arms. I changed psychiatrists, to the one that treated my brother for a decade or so. In the very first sessions, he already diagnosed me with BPD. On the other hand, he denied I had bipolar at first, even if the antidepressants didn't work on me. If anything, they only drove me further into a manic episode - besides, ofc, my shitty home life and my loneliness. Worse, my psychiatrist didn't listen to me, he always took my parents' (and my brother's) side which made me look like the villain.

Only after I left the psych ward, I was also diagnosed with bipolar I. Obviously I'm more relieved now that I'm getting better treatment... but all this pain and suffering could've been avoided if people actually listened to me. If they stopped thinking that mentally disabled people need to have "obvious" symptoms to be acknowledged. And that's especially the case of kids and teens, everyone insists they naturally have mood swings therefore it's normal and they don't need professional help.

I needed help for so long, but I was deprived of it for most of my life.

#trauma #childhood trauma #cptsd #actuallybpd #actuallybipolar #ableism tw #self-harm tw #sh tw #cutting tw #cutting mention tw #suicidal thoughts tw #emotional neglect #medications #long post #venting #personal #my journal #peeing tw

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drsycz · 1 year

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30 DAYS OF AUTISM ACCEPTANCE 2023

Damnit, I forgot about it again. Looks like you're getting another unnecessary long post, guys XD

7 April: Do you have other diagnoses? What are they? Do you think that some could be incorrect?

Yeah, I have one, and it's exactly the reason why I think our local medical system is bullshit. First of all, it was all done in secret. They used my personal files from school and university instead of actually asking me questions, they dragged me in hiding it as "productivity test" so there were no proper diagnosis process, just some old brats whispering behind my back. I even wasn't supposed to know my diagnosis, the only reason why I know what it was - a year later one of the doctors have accidentally left me alone while my files were on his table. And of course, the image of my psychological state and personality, and the diagnosis itself had nothing to do with realty, because they haven't bothered to ask me about any of it. I don't want to even say what my diagnosis was because it's nonsesnse.

8 April: Do you struggle to read long texts or are you one of those people who can read everything with ease (Braille counts too of course)?

Honestly it heavily depends on what kind of text I'm reading. I usually have no problems with reading fiction and pop-science as long as the book is intresting for me personally. However, I can get lost in some scientific articles if they put sources and big massives of data directly into sentences, or simply use too much punctuation marks. It's much easier for me to find information I need if it's put in a numbered list or a table. I'm generally very visual person, so having tables and illustrations is very helpful.

9 April: Did an interest ever turn into an "obsession" for you? If not, do you regularly experience hyperfocus when you engage in your special interest? If nothing applies, tell us about your longest interest, no matter if it's a special interest or not!

Obsessions… Well, they're kinda a part of normal life for me. A friend of mine says that I tend to run in cycles of switching from one special interest to another, when one of them becomes a literal obsession and when it happens, around 80% of our discussions end up being related to this special interest. Each such obsession lasts for at least couple of weeks, and sometimes I have 2-3 obsession at once. However, the overall number of them is very limited.

10 April: Can you understand speech when there is background noise?

No. I can handle a basic amount of noise, but my limit is something like a street in the center of a middle-sized city, where there are cars but traffic jams are rare. Then I start to loose ability to understand what's going on, including speech, and up to being completely disoriented and loosing ability to think conciously.

11 April: If you learned to speak as a child (definition for this post: the ability to use spontaneous speech (mouth words) to communicate in at least two-word sentences), did your ability to speak improve after that, stayed the same, decrease, or did something happen that you can't speak at all anymore now?

I think it generally stayed the same, but I'm more concious now of the fact that I'm actually semi-verbal. I did have situations of loosing ability to speak in my childhood, varying from forgetting particular words to not being able to speak at all, but it never crossed my mind it wasn't common among other kids. The only thing that changed, honestly, is that I now use way more texting because it's easier for me.

12 April: Were/are you in speech therapy? If so, for what? If not, do you think speech therapy could have helped you?

I weren't since the only obvious problem I had is difficulties with the "r" sound (my first language is Russian, where "r" is a very distinct sound), but it's a common problem for children who's first language is some sort of a Slavic language. However I was a unique case because when I was a toddler, I used to growl instead of screaming/crying, and later somehow lost this ability temporarily.

13 April: How important are routines to you? Are your routines more based on time ("I always do this at 6pm!"), on habits ("I always drink from this cup!") or both?

I think it's more habits than time. My parents have never insisted on keeping a stable timetable, and from early childhood I have gained a habit to think more in weeks rather than days: I was attending a couple of various after-class activities since grade 2, and such stuff usually only takes place once or twice a week. I also had very irregular timetable at university, when one day classes start at 8 a.m, but next day they only start at 2 p.m, but it was the same each week, so it has solidifyed this week-by-week mindset.

However, habits and keeping a particular order are important for me. I might not seem the most habitual person from the outside, but in fact it's just some level of flexibility combined with readiness to form several interchangable habits for one thing, and usually I form them slowly one by one. For example, I might have three different routes to get home from work, but it will stressful for me to make a fourth one, and the other three were created one by one and it was stressful each time.

14 April: If you learned to speak as a child, were you a late talker, average age, or did you speak at a really young age?

I think it was average, maybe slightly earlier, but nothing intresting besides the fact that my first word was "grandpa", not "mom" like for majority of kids. However, I had a weird experience with reading. My parents tried to teach me reading when I was around 3-4 years old, but I agressively refused to learn letters. But when they have already given up and left me alone, I somehow managed to learn reading on my own, and it took me a couple of hours sitting alone with a book.

15 April: If you can perceive the facial expression of others and learned to recognise the meaning to a degree, did you learn that in social skills training, by your own "hard work", or was it a mix of both? Are there patterns that you understand intuitively (for example recognising fear because it's not so different from how you behave when you feel fear)? - if this question doesn't apply to you, you have a day off! :)

I can somewhat percieve facial expressions, but I can't say that I learned it conciously. Looks like I have learned to recognise the most basic and clear emotions, like laugh = happiness or screaming = angry, and my mind have just given up on the rest. When watching movies, I can recognise more complex emotions and even analyse characters from psychological point of view, but it doesn't work with real people in most cases.

#30DAYSOFAUTISMACCEPTANCE #30daysofautismacceptance #2023 #autistic life #being autistic #self diagnosed autism #autism #actually autistic #autistic positivity #autistic experiences #autistic spectrum

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indynerdgirl · 2 years

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So I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes back in January. With the support of my wonderful & amazing doctor, my family & friends, and the help of a dietician who specializes in diabetes I drastically changed my eating habits and learned how to manage my blood sugar. Just with those changes alone I've been slowly losing weight all year.

Last night I had a moment in a dressing room that I thought would never happen - I zipped up a pair of size 22 jeans and they fit perfectly fine.

I was wearing a 26 in January.

I started wearing a 24 in August.

I haven't worn a 22 since high school.

I sat down on the little bench in the dressing room in total shock and almost burst into tears. Both in joy at this accomplishment and in sadness & frustration at myself, wondering how much sooner I could have reached this milestone if I had started this journey 10 years earlier.

I've been plus-size my entire life and (with the best of intentions of my mother & grandmother) have been on almost every fad diet since 5th grade. It wasn't until my mid 20s that I learned that both the weight gain and difficulty in losing weight were due to an underlying health reason - polycystic ovary syndrome or PCOS.

[the rest of my story is under the cut because this post ended up way longer than I had anticipated]

TL;DR - I'm 35 and I've been working on my health this past year and while I'm so happy to celebrate my successes, I wish I had started this journey sooner. Please don't do what I did and ignore symptoms for years. And if you have a young girl in your life that has irregular periods, get her checked for PCOS. Because if I had been given that diagnosis & started treatment decades earlier (and no, being given birth control is NOT a treatment for PCOS - it's lazy medical treatment at best and malpractice at worst) I know my life would be different right now because the majority of my life has been dictated by my size.

I'd had irregular periods my entire life but for some reason, none of my childhood doctors or even my mother ever thought to check for it. I was checked for thyroid issues and vitamin deficiencies but for some reason, PCOS was never brought up (not that I would have known to ask about it as a child). But one day I was having a physical done by a new doctor (not my current doctor) and when I mentioned my irregular periods she started asking me more questions about them and after looking at the rest of my medical history decided to have me checked for PCOS. And low and behold I had it.

I can't tell you the relief I felt finding out there was an actual medical reason for why I had struggled with my weight my entire life. Because up until that moment I'd always been made to feel like it was all my fault that I was fat. If I just ate better or stuck to a strict diet or exercised more (I can't even begin to describe the embarrassment and humiliation of being forced to go to exercise classes with your mother when you're 12yr old and you're the only kid in a class full of adults). It was never ever directly said to me, but it was obvious in the way things were said and the way people acted around me.

The doctor also explained to me that I was pre-diabetic as PCOS can cause diabetes if left untreated (this will be important to remember in just a minute). So we started working on getting my hormones back on track and I was told to try to cut back on my sugar intake. Unfortunately not too long afterward, the job I had at the time decided to switch our health insurance provider. Suddenly my doctor was out of network and continuing to see her was becoming very expensive for me as I wasn't making a whole lot at the time (I was working at a childcare center). Add in the fact that she was on the opposite side of town from me and that it was almost impossible to get time off work for appointments, I just kind of stopped seeing her.

The next part of my story is where I wish I could go back in time and shake some sense into my younger self. Because did I try to find a new doctor that my insurance would pay for? Nope. Did I at least try to cut back on my sugar and eat a little better? Also, no. For the next almost ten years, despite knowing I had PCOS and knowing I was pre-diabetic, I didn't change my eating habits at all. Every once in a while I'd get on a "health" kick and go for walks at the park and try to eat more whole wheat bread than white bread, but those never lasted long. I wasn't in the best space mentally either so there was also a lot of emotional eating as well. I figured as long as I never had to go up another pant size I was doing all right just "maintaining". If I got sick and needed to see a doctor, I just went to one of those minute clinic things at Walgreens. Yeah, mid & late 20s me was an idiot.

Fast forward to a few years ago when it started being pretty obvious that I had crossed the line from pre-diabetic to actually diabetic. I had all the classic signs and symptoms yet I was still being an idiot and ignoring my health. Unfortunately, I've always had a horrible bad habit of thinking if I just ignore whatever issues or problems I'm currently having that they'll just go away. Yeah, I know. I finally get to the point where I know I can't ignore my health anymore and January of 2020 I make it my New Year's goal to start getting myself back on track. By the time I worked up the courage to call and set up an appointment with my old doctor (I had a new job by then with better insurance that included her again) two things happened: March of 2020 and the building her practice was in was destroyed in a fire.

So I told myself I'd just "wait until this whole covid thing was over" before trying to set up an appointment again. And we all know how the rest of 2020 went. Now it's December of 2021 and I still haven't made an appointment with my old doctor. But I was at an eye doctor appointment that I'd also been putting off for years despite knowing it was time for a new prescription. After checking my eyes, the eye doctor tells me that I need to see my doctor as soon as possible because he saw signs of diabetic retinopathy in my eyes. And as someone who's always had poor eyesight and one of their greatest fears is going blind, THAT was the kick in the pants I needed to finally see a doctor.

I ended up having a heart-to-heart with my mom about my health (something I would always avoid talking about with her) and admitting that I really didn't want to go back to my old doctor because I never really felt a good connection with her but I was willing to deal with that issue since she was also a practicing Catholic and it's hard to find not only a good doctor but a Catholic one as well (I know there are plenty of good doctors out there who aren't Catholic, but as a practicing Catholic, it does make things so much easier when your doctor also follows Church teachings when it comes to health & medical issues). My mom then suggested I set up an appointment with her new doctor who is not only a general MD, but also specialized in treating PCOS and also just happened to be Catholic as well.

So I set up an appointment with Dr. Holly for after the New Year and the rest, as they say, is history. She's just a few years older than me and I have never in my life been so at ease with a doctor. She and I hit it off right away and when I explained everything to her she didn't make me feel bad for waiting for so long to do anything like I was afraid she would. Instead, she listened to all of my concerns, validated them, and then right there came up with a plan of attack listing out all of the health issues we needed to tackle right away (getting the diabetes under control & start treating the PCOS) and what health issues weren't immediately pressing (some small patches of eczema & trying out meds for my ADHD again).

It also helps that she's diabetic as well so she knows exactly what I'm going through and have to deal with on a day to day basis. With her help and support (plus the advice from the dietician she recommend to me), I brought down my A1C from a staggering 12.7% to a much better 7.2% at my last appointment with her and, of course, have been slowly and steadily losing weight.

I decided early on that I wasn't going to obsess over the numbers on the scale, instead mostly tracking my progress by how my clothes are fitting. Since January I'm down not only two pant sizes but also a shirt size! I'm able to comfortably wear again all of the 2XL shirts I own and I've gone to a few events where I was able to buy a shirt as a souvenir because I didn't have to worry if they had a 3XL because I knew would be able to fit in a 2XL.

I still have a lot of work to do (I really do need to start actually exercising) but I am so happy with what progress I've made so far already. If you had told me last year that I'd be wearing a size 22 pair of jeans, I would have laughed in your face. I still can't believe it sometimes, but then I look at pictures of myself from last year compared to this year and the differences are kind of shocking. And that's been another little victory for me - actually not hating how I look in photos. I've taken more photos of myself/allowed myself to be in more photos this year than in at least the last five years if not more.

I never know how to end posts like this, so if you've actually read this far down, thanks. 💙

#personal #about me #this really got away from me #but it ended up being kind of cathartic to write it all out #health journey

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hitaka5ever · 1 year

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You ever just get a sudden realization about your life that it almost gives you whiplash? Well that happened to me last night, so I wanted to share what that was (and maybe get some feedback or find people who've had the same experiences)

By the time I was in my early 20s, I realized that I wasn't afraid to die, I just feared how I'd die. For the obvious one, I wouldn't want to die by drowning or being set on fire. I think those would be the worst ways to go. So what about before age 20-22?

Well I was definitely much more fearful of getting hurt or being killed when I was much younger. But why? Most kids go through life without fear or anxiety and don't want to be around their parents much, but that's not how my life was. I only ever have certain vivid memories that have always stuck with me even after all this time (I'm 32), like not wanting to go to school at age 5-6 and one day hugging and kissing and saying good bye to my mum for nearly 10 minutes bc I didn't want to leave her side or be away from her for so long. I was a total cry baby until I was in middle school iirc, but most kids don't act like that, so why did I?

Well I have 2 theories and they both make a lot of sense. The first one was a situation that I didn't know about until 10 years ago, and the other was when I was barely 4 and I was forced to go to my ex-church's daycare/school that taught us the usual BS of being (Lutheran) Christian and yadda yadda (glad I was questioning the validity of the religion and the existence of a higher power early on)

Since this is already getting longer than I wanted it, the rest can be ready under a Read More (please continue reading if you can bc I'd like to get feedback about this stuff or find someone who has experienced this very same thing I have)

Anyway, the first situation I mentioned happened when I was barely 2 years old around early July. It's common for babies to suffer from this fever (I can't for the life of me remember what its called) but some can take a turn for the worst. I was one of those babies that had it rough

So my fever was so bad that mum had to take me to the hospital. Back then, parents didn't usually stay in the room with the doctors, so she was shocked when they told her to come into the room with me. I was freaking out so bad that the multiple nurses and doctors needed my mum to help calm me down

Bc of the way they handled babies when trying to get blood drawn from their veins, (holding your legs and upper body down so you don't move) I was so traumatized by this that I literally passed out in my mum's arms. It wasn't until my usual pediatrician came in that it was all over and I woke up. Mum said he took blood from my head rather than my arm, which no one else even thought of doing bc idiots, and I was fine and got to go home. My fever broke on the night of July 4th and mum and I got to experience the fireworks show by ourselves (the rest of the family was having dinner at my dad's family gathering)

Obviously I don't remember this event bc I wasn't even 2 yet, but after mum told me exactly what had happened, it made sense why I feared doctors and needles until high school (I had to get blood drawn to test my hormone levels bc that's when I was first diagnosed with depression, so that's the earliest I remember not being afraid of needles and doctors anymore)

Now with the 2nd revelation, I distinctly remember freaking out and bawling my eyes out when we learned at the church school that one day we would die and "go to heaven". I was screaming that I didn't want to die and it took the woman calming me down a long time to get my head on straight. I think I got to go home right after bc obviously I couldn't handle social interaction at even that young of an age

So is my life all fucked up bc of my ex-religion telling me I was going to die one day and the trauma I suffered as a baby? Most likely, but no one but my deep subconscious would know the answer to that. But it just seems to make a ton of sense why I grew up being a Mama's boy and why losing her has always been my worst fear

I don't even know what made me think of the religion thing, but since anything can influence your life, even as a little kid, I believe my life is the way it is bc of those traumatic events and why I'll be clinically depressed for the rest of my life

So the moral of the story is to NOT tell little kids that they'll die and go to heaven one day, otherwise you might fuck up their entire life. So fucking thanks for that, Christianity :)

#trauma #revelations #influences

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