#and the friend who i like but know is awful for m mental health and know i should stay away from because i've been here before

[cupid-styles]

daisy (english profrry x TA!yn)

part one of english profrry is here!!!!!

word count: 6.3k

BIG content warnings: massive, glaring warning for an inappropriate relationship. y/n is a graduate student in this and of legal consenting age, but there's an age gap of four years between her and harry. she is his TA, which means there's a big power imbalance between them. bc this is fic we'll pretend it's romantic and all very consensual but if this is triggering to you in any way, DO NOT READ IT. it's not worth hurting your mental health. also, if anything remotely like this happens in your personal life, IT IS NOT OKAY.

other CWs: small smut scene at the end (m masturbation with descriptions of m receiving oral, slight cum play), y/n alludes to having seasonal depression but it's never outwardly said (just be aware since the descriptions of it could be triggering to some!), a bit of angst but nothing crazy

with all that out of the way, if you still choose to read, I hope you enjoy :) love you all lots!!

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. . .

Professor Styles is a dick. 

That’s what the entire English department said when it was announced that Y/N would be his newest teaching assistant for the spring semester.

They all sneered at her, throwing what they pretended to be caring warnings her way, claiming that he was impossible to work with and he didn’t even actually need a TA, he just liked picking students to embarrass. With their noses upturned at Y/N but not actually offering any kind of advice, she left the small English building shortly after the Dean unveiled the new schedule for TAs, anxiety bubbling in her stomach and thick, salty tears in her waterline. 

She knows Professor Styles doesn’t have the greatest reputation on campus. She actually actively avoided taking any classes with him throughout the duration of her bachelor’s degree, and even as she chose to stay on to enter her first year of graduate school, she picked any other available professors over him.

He was known for his less-than-personable demeanor and the way he picked apart students’ essays, leaving them questioning their entire life path. Y/N has never felt much insecurity about her career — she’s always wanted to go into English, maybe opting for a small but impactful job in publishing or editing — but having a professional ruin her writing sounded… well, awful. 

In reality, Y/N didn’t have much of a choice when it came to her teaching assistant preferences. She needed a job that wouldn’t take up too much of her time. Her first semester of grad school was difficult and stressful. All of her friends graduated and went on to cool jobs all over the country, while Y/N just stayed in the same apartment. She was homesick for her family and walked through a campus every day that reminded her of a better version of herself — one who had a flourishing social life and excellent grades. Just a few months of working on her masters degree had worn her down. 

Despite the slight dip in her grades from university to graduate school (an expected change, her advisor had explained), she was still recommended as a TA for the English department in the spring. She’d really been gunning after Professor Rooney, a kind, middle-aged woman who had spent years working glamorous jobs in the publishing world. She had connections everywhere and was incredibly sweet, and Y/N knew she would feel comfortable working in her sections for the semester. All winter break, she imagined how wonderful it could be; that maybe it was the huge win she needed after such a shitty fall. 

But Professor Rooney didn’t choose her. Professor Styles did.

Even with a promise of a reasonable stipend contingent on the completion of her TA position, Y/N’s world felt like it came crashing down just a little bit — but she knew better than to complain or blubber on about not getting her way. Instead, she chose to just get through it.

In the final days of winter break, Professor Styles emailed her to meet in his office the day before classes began. He didn’t ask if she was back on campus or if she had a good break. Y/N wanted to resent that, but chose to swallow it down. 

When she got to his small office in the department, she gently knocked on the open door, signaling her arrival. He peered up from whatever book he was hunched over on his deck, straightened his posture, and checked his watch. 

“You’re late.” he said flatly, shutting the paperback with a force she didn’t even know was possible. With furrowed brows, she glanced at the lockscreen on the phone she held. 

“You said 10:30, right? It’s 10:30 now.”

“On time is late,” he muttered, folding his hands on his desk, “Early is on time.”

She swallowed, her lips parting like a guppy. He rolled his eyes and motioned to the seat on the other side of her desk. Quickly, she took it, placing her tote bag at her feet and making a mental reminder to arrive at his classes five minutes early from this point on.

“Right, so you’re my TA, then?”

She nodded, “Yes, for the spring semester.”

He hummed, though she couldn’t tell if it was a sound of approval or discontent. He moved his computer mouse over the surface of the university provided mouse pad, making his computer buzz to life. With an awkward silence settling between them, the sound of the mouse clicking was the only thing that filled the dim office. 

“You just graduated from the English department last spring,” he said, eyes scanning over what she now assumed was her student file, “3.8 GPA. That’s fine.”

She blinked at that, resisting the urge to balk at him. 3.8 was .2 away from a perfect GPA. It was more than fine.

“You didn’t take any classes with me during your time as an undergrad.”

“Um, your sections were always full—”

“I don’t really care what your reasoning is,” he cut her off, continuing to scroll down the screen. A lump formed in her throat but she tried to swallow it down. Nothing sounded more embarrassing than crying in front of Professor Styles. “And now you’re getting your masters in English with a concentration in Feminist Literature. That’s an unusual one. Why?”

She’s surprised he’s bothered to ask her a question, so it takes her a moment to form a cohesive answer on her tongue. She’s flailing a bit and she knows he can tell, based on the unamused expression on his face. 

“I’ve read a lot of literature where there’s a female main character and she’s just used to state a point or some sort of backwards lesson that was considered modernized for the time,” Y/N speaks softly, picking at her nails in her lap, “I’m interested in studying that more.”

“What kind of literature?” Professor Styles instantly fires back. 

“Well, I wrote my undergraduate thesis on The Scarlet Letter, but I’ve also been thinking about basing my graduate capstone on Ophelia from Hamlet.”

He makes that annoying humming noise again, and she’s still unsure if he’s pleased or thinks she’s an idiot. She wasn’t unused to the latter — a lot of snobs in the English department thought it was stupid of her to care for critiquing older pieces of writing from an argumentative, feminist perspective, even if they acted like The Odyssey was an “absolute must-read” for everyone.

(It’s not. Y/N thinks The Odyssey is dumb and boring, but she’ll never say that, especially not to Professor Styles.)

“Right, well,” he lifts a white ceramic coffee cup to his mouth and swallows briefly. She glances down to see he’s drinking hot black coffee, and her lips furl into a quick, involuntary wince. “You’ll be with me three days a week. You are to attend the daily lectures — Mondays and Wednesdays are the shorter section and Friday is the long, three-hour one. Helping out with grading and holding office hours will be your primary tasks. If you fall ill or need to take a day off, I need at least 24 hours notice. If I receive any complaints from students, you’re out. Otherwise, it should be a fine semester. Any questions?”

She shakes her head, hoping he’ll show some inkling of delight at her quick ability to understand and process. Instead, his lips remain in a flat line and he nods, taking another sip of his coffee. 

“You can go now. See you tomorrow.”

She scrambles to leave his office as quickly as possible.

. . .

Professor Styles barely speaks to Y/N for the first few weeks. 

It’s unsettling in a way, especially because she doesn’t know if she’s doing a good job. She thrives off of reassurance, but every time she hands him a neat stack of newly graded papers or drafts, he simply waves her off with an, “alright, thanks.”

If she’s being honest, it makes her want to try even harder, though she’s not entirely sure why. She has the urge to claw her way to the very top of Professor Styles’ repertoire of students and assistants — a need for perfectionism that can only be quelled by the person least likely to give it to her. 

And it’s driving her absolutely insane.

She wants to ask, straight out, “am I doing an alright job? Do you need anything more from me?”, but she’s positive that will only make her glow with insecurity. He’d probably laugh in her face and call her a baby for needing his acceptance.

It eats her alive as she sits at the front of the lecture hall, watching his female students stare at him with hearts in their eyes as he discusses the politics of Ursula Le Guin. It bugs her only more than he's one of the most attractive people she's ever seen, always impeccably dressed with long, ring-clad fingers.

Grumbling, she realizes that she probably looks just as pathetic, so she quickly straightens her posture and runs her fingertips over the mousepad of her laptop so it glows back to life. She’s supposed to be going over the grades of the students’ first essays — her and Professor Styles were meeting after class to discuss them in the event that anyone needed additional assistance for the upcoming paper.

She busies herself with that until he ends class, creating a list of a few names that would potentially need to be met with one-on-one. He doesn’t say anything as he gathers his own materials from the lecture, and she follows him out of the hall and to his office just as silently, carrying her laptop in one hand and her tote bag on her shoulder. 

Professor Styles’ office is always cold and dark, never failing to send a shiver down her spine when he unlocks the door. Today, her shoulders shudder involuntarily and she pushes her sweater sleeves down to cover her hands. With a rumple in his eyebrows, he sits down. 

“What’s the matter?” he asks. 

Y/N snaps her head up in surprise. She doesn’t mean to look shocked, so she quickly revises her facial features in an attempt to look collected. 

“Oh, it’s just cold,” she says, waving him off nonchalantly, “I’m fine.”

“Yeah. I think this winter has been especially brutal.” 

His reply especially dazes her — she’s unsure if that’s an attempt at making small talk, something Professor Styles has never done with her before, but she instantly nods her head, as if she’s speaking with a toddler who’s expressing their emotions for the first time. 

“Yeah, I think so,” she says softly, “The snow is awful to walk through.”

“Do you live far from campus?”

She shakes her head and sets her laptop and planner on her side of the desk, across from Professor Styles and his things. 

“No, just a 10 minute walk or so, but I don’t have a car.”

He hums at that — that stupid, unassuming hum that contributes absolutely nothing to the conversation. She wonders if she’s in her head about it, but she feels his eyes linger just a beat longer on her face before tearing them away. He licks over his teeth as he taps on his laptop to wake it back up. 

“Right, then. Did you go over their grades?”

As she pulls her things out from her bag, she tries to ignore the small pit of disappointment in her tummy from Professor Styles shifting their conversation back over to class. 

. . .

That weekend, Y/N thinks she’s hallucinating as she meanders up and down the aisles at Target. 

She’s not really looking for anything in particular. Sometimes she just comes here for something to do. Her bank account isn't exactly flowing in a way that permits her to buy all the cute home decor she gazes at, which is why her basket currently consists of the following: pads, a new pack of her favorite gel pens, cookie dough, and a lip balm that she’ll probably put back before she checks out. 

It’s another harsh, cold day out, the freezing temperatures refusing to let up as the days of the month flit by. This is Y/N’s least favorite time of year — when winter sticks around despite the holidays being long gone. All that’s left between now and spring is pesky snow and fake Hallmark holidays, and she yearns for the days where she can walk to campus and admire the tulips peeking out from the damp soil. By then, she’ll be closer to returning to her hometown for the summer, where she’ll likely get a job for a few months working in the local library or bookstore.

It’ll be good — she’ll get to see her friends and spend time with family and save up some money, and maybe the hopefulness of life warming up in a few months will be enough to get her through this semester.

And as she’s daydreaming of brighter days, that’s when it happens — when she thinks she must be fully hallucinating, because as she strolls down one aisle in particular, Professor Styles is standing there, his bottom lip pinched between his fingers as he stares at space heaters. 

She’s never seen him off campus. Sometimes that happens since a lot of professors live close by, so it’s not unheard of to pass by an advisor or faculty member at the supermarket or through the park. But seeing Professor Styles here feels… illegal, somehow, especially given his casual, dressed down attire. He’s wearing what looks to be a cozy sweatshirt and a pair of athletic shorts, despite the temperature nearing the 20s today. (Y/N is bundled up in three sweaters, a jacket, a scarf, gloves, and leggings beneath her jeans.) White socks go just above his ankles, and the running shoes on his feet make her wonder if he’s insane enough to actually be working out in this weather. 

She must be analyzing his form for a beat too long — maybe it’s the shock from it that still hasn’t worn off — because he feels her gaze, eyes veering to his peripheral, realizing that his teaching assistant is standing there as if she’s waiting for permission to enter the aisle. 

“Hey,” she blurts out when she realizes she’s been caught. 

Confused by her frank, laidback greeting, he lifts his head to face her. “Hey.” he echoes awkwardly.

“Um, sorry.”

He quirks an eyebrow and Y/N’s body heats with embarrassment. “Sorry?”

“Sorry… I-I should’ve just walked away when I saw you,” Y/N quickly attempts to revise, but she realizes it’s just making her sound stupider, “I was just surprised to see you here.”

“In a public store?”

“Right,” she nods curtly, turning on her heel, “Have a good rest of your weekend—”

“Wait, did you need something down here?” he rushes out, almost as if he’s fearful she’ll leave. She pushes the thought down but parts her lips nervously, eyes scanning over the contents on the shelves. She doesn’t need anything, she was just putting off having to brave the cold weather on her walk home.

“Yes,” she says slowly because, once again, she’s suddenly stupefied and enamored by the prospect of small talk with Professor Styles, “I needed… lighters. For my candles.”

He nods, a quiet “ah,” sounding from his lips, and they stand there like they’re doing some sort of parallel play; Y/N pretending to look at the long, safety lighters while Professor Styles continues to look at space heaters. She wonders if he for some reason is pretending, too, but then he’ll squat down to look at the features on one box, making a tsk-ing noise with his mouth, and straighten back up to analyze a different model.

When he finally decides on an option that’s best fit, he grabs the box and places it in his cart. Quickly, Y/N plucks a random display of lighters and throws them in her basket.

“Hope you found a good one,” she mutters out dumbly, feeling the need to interject one last sentence into their silence. He glances down at his cart, then at her basket, and then, finally, at her. 

“It’s for the office,” he says. “You said it was cold.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“This should help with that.”

“Sure, yeah. I have one at home, it helps a lot with the draftiness.”

“That’s what I’m hoping for.”

“Maybe you can get an extra lamp in there, too. Spruce it up a bit.”

A wrinkle forms between his brows, “What do you mean?”

Y/N wishes the ground would swallow her up whole.

“Nothing! I just meant— like, sometimes it’s a bit cold, and with the weather, it can get dark, too. The winter’s tough, don’t you think? That’s all I meant, I’m sorry—”

“No, you’re right,” he says with a decisive nod. “You’re the only other person that really spends time there besides students. Do you want to help pick one out?”

“Sure, okay.”

They walk in silence to the lighting display, which is filled with a myriad of different options. Professor Styles looks semi-overwhelmed by it all and Y/N has to bite her lip so she doesn’t smile too widely at his confused expression. She points to a simple, inexpensive standing lamp.

“I think something like this would be good, in the corner or something. Just for some extra brightness.”

“Is that the one you like?”

Y/N doesn’t have strong lamp preferences, especially when it comes to a space that she’s not even living in, but for some reason, it seems important that she says yes. So she nods her head, flashing him a small smile. He returns it, and she realizes that’s the first time he’s ever smiled at her. 

“Okay. I’ll have this stuff set up for when you come in on Monday.”

She swallows, feeling the mountain of adoration in her stomach grow. She shoves it down. 

“Thank you, that’s really kind of you,” she says.

“Sure. I’ll see you then. Have a good rest of your weekend.”

She hides in the lamp aisle for another 15 minutes, until she’s positive he’s left the store. 

. . .

Professor Styles and Y/N are working in their typical silence when he says something that makes her jaw nearly drop to the floor.

She thought that after their short but personable interaction at the store, things would change a bit. Maybe he would feel more comfortable talking to her outside of monotone grunts or the occasional “are they failing my class?”, but things remained the same. When she came in that Monday, the space heater and lamp were both on and running as he promised, but it was as if nothing happened. 

It irks Y/N to no end.

She assumes that he sincerely doesn’t care for her, which she supposes is fine considering kindness or approval aren’t part of the job description. That’s why she’s shocked when he says it a few weeks after the weekend they saw one another in public. 

“I think you should ask to change your advisor to me.”

Y/N chokes on her spit, hurriedly coughing into her hand so she doesn’t spray saliva all over his desk. Once she recovers, he’s staring at her expectedly, as if what he said was completely and utterly sane. 

“Sorry?” she asks, “Why would I do that?”

She doesn’t mean it to sound rude, but it’s a genuine question. Typically, there’s some type of rapport between a grad student and their advisor, and she and Professor Styles have absolutely none of that. 

Professor Styles clears his throat and folds his hands on his desk. “Because I got my masters degree in the same thing, so I spent four years studying exactly what you’re studying. I think you’ve been doing very well as my TA and I would like to advise you.”

“Why would you ask me why I was studying that, then?” she blurts out, confusion apparent on her face. “The first day we met, you told me it was unusual.”

“It is.”

“But you studied it.”

“I did.”

“So why would you say that?”

Professor Styles sighs as if this is the most boring and obvious conversation he’s had all day. 

“I wanted to hear you defend it. See why you’re interested and make sure it’s not all bullshit.”

Y/N shakes her head, “So you were playing some kind of mind game with me? For fun?”

“It wasn’t a mind game, Y/N. I just wanted to know why you’re interested in it.”

She bites her lip and looks down at her laptop screen, which has since gone dim since they began talking. If she’s being truthful, she’s grown tired of Professor Styles. Up until now, she was positive she was doing things wrong and he just didn’t care enough to correct her — only to find out that he wanted to work with her even more. It made zero sense.

“Are you going to do it, then?” he asks, tearing her from her thoughts. Her expression pinches as she rolls her lips into a thin line. 

“I don’t know.” she answers in a watery voice. “I like my advisor, and I assumed you didn’t like me very much.”

His eyebrows furrow. “Why wouldn’t I like you?”

“You barely utter three words to me on a daily basis and never tell me if you’re happy with my work.”

Professor Styles scoffs, leaning back against his leather computer chair. 

“You need regular approval from me to know whether or not I like you?”

“Yes,” she admits, anger building in her chest until she can’t help but blurt out what she’s thinking, “It’s how I work. If you were a good professor, you would’ve asked how I best function at the beginning of the semester. Instead, you ignore me for fun.”

“You don’t think I’m a good professor.”

She sighs and shakes her head. “I didn’t mean that. I think you are. I just don’t think you’re the best at managing teaching assistants.”

He shrugs, but she notices a slight wince in his features. “We can’t all be good at everything, can we?”

“Right,” she mumbles, drumming her fingers on the edge of his desk. When he doesn’t reply, she shuts her laptop and stuffs it in her bag. “I’m gonna go then. I’ll see you next week.”

He’s silent as she gets her things together and pulls her jacket on, wrapping her scarf around her neck and zipping it on top of her sweater for extra warmth. As her boots carry her across the length of his office and to the door, he stands from his seat. 

“Y/N,” he says, and she turns to look at him. “The deadline to change your advisor is next Friday. I hope you’ll still consider it.”

. . .

That evening, all Harry can think about is his sweet, quiet TA. The one who he undoubtedly offended earlier today — he cringes at the thought of it, replaying their conversation over and over in his head. He can’t stop thinking about the upset look on her face. When she asked if he was playing mind games with her, he wanted to get down on his knees and beg for her forgiveness. He never meant to hurt her, not one bit. 

He sighs as he runs his hand through his hair. He’s had reruns of some shitty sitcom on since he got home from work a few hours ago. He didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts, but even a laugh track and ‘90s era merriment couldn’t distract him from thinking about her. 

He considers the things she said about wanting his approval. He’s never been well-liked in the English department, likely because of his rough exterior. He’s not immune to the things he hears from students and faculty, about how he’s grumpy and someone to be feared, even if he didn’t even intend to come off that way. In all honesty, he never wanted to be perceived in that matter — but once his reputation began to precede him a year or two ago, he figured there was no use in trying to convince people otherwise. 

That's how it had always gone, anyway — in high school, when he started experimenting with different styles of clothing, everyone assumed he was gay. He'd desperately tried to refute those claims, even if he wasn't completely sure of his sexuality himself. But no one cared — they'd already made up their minds, and it seemed useless to attempt to change their ways of thinking.

And when people spoke here, mumbling about how mean and terrible he was... well, what was the point?

Y/N was the only person he cared to win over, and it was eating him alive.

So much so that he made the blind decision to maybe, possibly cross a very clear boundary between professor and TA. Despite Y/N being of legal, consenting age (after looking at her student file, he found that he’s only four years older), he still attempted to prioritize maintaining a professional relationship with every one of his students and TAs. 

He couldn’t help himself with her, though. He knew it was bad — he could feel his heart thumping quickly in his chest, the logical part of his brain telling him to stop while he’s ahead, but he couldn’t. Not as he grabbed his laptop, logged into his work email, and composed a message to her student address. Not when his fingers danced over the keyboard and resisted the urge to implore her to start fresh with him. Not when he clicked ‘send’ without even proofreading to make sure it sounded appropriate, not creepy or weird.

He pushed his laptop away and got up to pour himself some wine, attempting to rid himself of any lingering guilt.

. . .

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Subject: Today

Time: 9:57 p.m.

Hi Y/N, 

I wanted to apologize for how I acted today. It wasn’t kind of me and you deserve far better than that. I understand if you have no interest in changing your advisor. Please know that whatever you decide, your TA position will not be in danger, should you choose to continue working with me.

Thank you for all of your hard work. You’ve been doing an excellent job and I’ve very much enjoyed having you this semester. Have a good weekend.

x Harry Styles

. . .

On Monday, Y/N’s mind is whirring. 

It’s not because the semester is nearing midterm season, although that’s part of it. It’s because Professor Styles emailed her an apology at almost 10 pm on Friday evening, and she’s repeatedly read it over at least 50 times since receiving it. 

She didn’t reply because she wasn’t sure what to say — and, most shockingly, he didn’t sign it as Professor Styles. Instead, he ended the message with a kiss, for crying out loud, followed by his name. His name! 

It’s all she’s been able to focus on for days, to the point where she contemplates not showing up to his lecture on Monday. But she’s better than that — she’s stronger, and she’s smarter, and she doesn’t want to hide. 

She avoids Professor Styles’ gaze all throughout his lecture, instead focusing on grading first drafts for the class’ midterm paper. She knows she’ll have to sit with him in his office afterwards, and her stomach churns at the thought. In some way, she feels ashamed that she said anything to begin with. Her comments about him not managing TAs properly have made her shrivel into a mortified version of herself, and she’s shocked he didn’t fire her on the spot. 

Worst of all, she hates the way her heart jumped into her throat when his name popped up on her screen on Friday night. She craved the feeling, hoping he would, for some reason, do it again, even though she never responded. She wasn’t playing hard to get by any means, but the fact that her brain even veered in that direction proved one thing to be true: she has a big, fat crush on Professor Styles.

The knowledge sits like a rock in her stomach, especially as they walk in silence to his office after class. The air between them feels awkward, but she’s not sure that there’s ever been a time where it hasn’t felt odd between them. When he unlocks the door, she quietly steps inside, her heart skipping a beat at the space heater and lamp already turned on. 

Usually, he keeps the door open while they work. Today, he shuts it, the soft click of the lock making her jump. 

“Can we talk?”

Y/N’s throat dries but she nods, gripping the strap of her tote bag close to her arm. She turns to face him, and for the first time ever, she notices that he looks… nervous.

“About last week. I’m sorry, but I’m even more sorry for emailing you that on Friday,” he rushes the words out like he wrote a script out and was waiting to perform them, “It was completely inappropriate, and I got the hint when you didn’t reply.”

“The hint?” she peeps out, her voice squeaky and embarrassing. 

“Yeah,” he says, crossing his arms over his chest, “About not wanting me to advise you and… you probably found my email to be weird, right?”

Quickly, she shakes her head. “No, no. I.. I actually haven’t given much thought to the advisor thing, but I didn’t think it was weird. I just didn’t know how to respond.”

His eyebrows furrow, “Why’s that?”

“Because I felt guilty about what I said to begin with! A-and you could’ve fired me if you wanted to, but instead you apologized and said that I’m doing a good job—”

“You are.”

“Exactly!” she exclaims frustratedly. “I didn’t know how to respond to that.”

“To me being… kind?”

“Yes.”

He blinks at her, the crinkle between his brows deepening. 

“I’m just not used to it, Professor Styles.” she says with a sigh.

“Harry,” he corrects.

“What?”

“My name is Harry. I don’t want you to call me Professor Styles.”

Y/N ignores the quickening of her heartbeat and shifts her stance from foot to foot. 

“Why are you doing this?” she eventually blurts as she crosses her arms over her sweater-clad form. She’s not sure if she detects an inkling of pity in his face, but if she does, she wants nothing more than to run for the hills and never return. For some reason, the thought of Professor— Harry feeling bad for her makes her shoulders shudder, a prickly sensation tip-toeing down her spine, as if shame is completely and utterly eating her alive. 

His lips part in a quiet sigh. “I just… I spent the weekend thinking of you and feeling awful for the way I’ve treated you.”

Thinking of you.

I spent the weekend thinking of you.

Her stomach turns as his words echo throughout the chambers of her brain. But then there’s a click — like the second part of the sentence just ekes its way through, planting a seed of self-doubt and insecurity. And she backs away like he may explode at any moment. 

“You shouldn’t— no, that’s alright,” she shakes her head, gaze set low on the carpeted floors of his tiny office. 

“Y/N—”

Again, she cuts him off with a shake of her head, raising her eyes to look at him. His expression is pained and she wonders if hers is any better, though she assumes for different reasons: He doesn’t want to get fired for torturing another grad student. She has an inappropriate crush on the professor she works for.

“It’s all good. Call it even?” she rushes out, leaning over to grab her things from her chair, “Fresh start on Wednesday. Don’t mention it again, alright?”

She’s gone before he can stop her. 

. . .

Harry accidentally falls asleep in his office that evening. 

It’s half because he’s absolutely swamped with work, too fearful to email Y/N and add things to her grading pile after the way she all but ran away earlier today. He’s terrified he made her uncomfortable. 

He doesn’t want to return to the quiet loneliness of his apartment, where he’s constantly faced to force the reality of his life: A man in his early 30s with a job that he likes, but no one actually likes him at it. His entire family resides in London and with the exception of a few friends from his schooling years, he’s alone. Especially in the romance department.

His heart aches for Y/N. He realizes it’s a bit dramatic, even slightly taboo given the nature of their professional relationship, but he likes her. He likes her so much that he doesn’t want to go home and think about how badly he messed things up, so he falls asleep face-down on his desk, his cranium wedged between piles of pens and a Post-It list of to-do’s. 

When he wakes up, he doesn’t know how long he’s been asleep for. The soft, golden light from the lamp is still just barely bathing the circumference of the room, but as he blinks his eyes open, he realizes that it’s silent. He can see through the small frosted window that the hallways are dim, which means it’s most definitely sometime in the evening. 

He feels… somewhat guilty but charged as he wakes from the fog of his sleep, eyebrows furrowing as he stretches his arms out. His neck already aches from the discomfort of his sleeping position and he groans, lifting a palm to sort the knot out. 

And that’s when he realizes it — why he feels as if his body is buzzing, his hands sweaty and his throat dry. He’d woken up in the middle of a sex dream and, like a pathetic teenager, the star of it had been his crush. Y/N. 

He scoffs to himself as he glances down at his crotch where, sure enough, his length is painfully hard beneath the constriction of his trousers and underwear. He swallows, eyes flickering closed. He can remember the exact details of his dream, even if they send a bead of guilt dripping down his chest — they’d been in his office, just like this. She was between his legs, knees pressing into the carpet of the floor, her eyes rounded and expectant as he toyed with her, pretending to guide his cock between her lips only to take it away at the last minute. She pouted every time, a plushy lipped-frown punctuating the words he hadn’t even realized he’d been dying to hear: “Please Professor Styles, stop teasing me.”

At the realization, he’s sent into a frenzy. He doesn’t even think to check whether the door is locked (or maybe if he’s locked in the building, no less), before he’s clawing at his belt and zipper, yanking the fabrics down to reveal a pair of swollen balls. His length stands hard, his eyes nearly rolling back just from the feeling of looping his fingers around the base. He can’t remember the last time he was this pent up just from his own imagination, but it’s not a difficult place to return — not as his head leans back against his office chair, allowing his dream to pick up and take form in full consciousness. 

So much pre-cum is bubbling at the tip that he doesn’t need much of his own spit to lubricate himself. He bites his lip hard to prevent himself from groaning out too loudly, envisioning the way she’d finally suckle around the tip of his cock, looking up at him with proud eyes. He’d gradually help her go deeper, but she’d be excited, willing to bruise her throat for him. She was so good — in his dreams, in real life, she was always so, so good.

“So good, Professor,” she’d pant out, popping off to lick a stripe up the side of his cock. With spit-swollen lips, she’d venture down to his balls, rolling them in the palm of her hands before taking each one into her mouth. In reality, he gasps at that, tugging them in his own hand. 

But what really gets him there is an impossible thought — one that has nothing to do with the silly wet dream his brain conjured while he slept. Her in her own bedroom, her naked form wrapped up in her sheets while he gazed over lovingly, pressing soft kisses along her shoulder and down her arm. She’d giggle breathily before flipping onto her side to face him. And she’d say it — I love you — and it’d feel like heaven. 

That’s what pushes him to finish all over his hand, cum dribbling over his fist as he pants and gasps like he’s just discovered masturbation. His orgasm encompasses his entire body, a few beautiful, peaceful moments of complete pleasure that causes all of his muscles to tighten deliciously. Of course, he envisions her taking all of his cum, licking it up eagerly over his digits, making a show of it — she’d open her mouth, pretty pink tongue out, and he’d watch as she swallows. He shudders at the thought of it, quickly snapping his eyes open and grabbing a tissue from the box on his desk to clean himself up. He’s immediately back to his grumbly state as he does, irritated that he allowed himself to lose control in such a finite way.

He tosses the dirty tissue in the garbage can and stands up to tug his briefs and pants back up. The clink of his belt buckle is the only sound throughout the small room, so he jumps when a knock sounds on the other side of his closed door. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck, someone knows, I must have said her name, I’m such a fucking freak—

His eyes widen when the person speaks: “Profess— Harry? Are you in there? It’s Y/N.”

#writing #English profrry #harry styles #harry styles writing #harry styles fic #harry styles blurb #harry styles angst #harry styles imagine #harry styles oneshot #harry styles one shot #harry styles one direction #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fan fic rec #harry styles fic rec #harry styles x you #harry styles x reader #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #one direction #harry styles fanfic rec #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x oc

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I purposely turn up the PDA in front of my best friends ex?

So for context, I (16 M-ish) and my best friend (I'll call them T, 16 F-ish) have been best friends for quite a few years now, and they broke up with their partner (I'll call them R) of a year just this spring.

To summarize, R was fucking awful. Controlling, objectifying, manipulative, and jealous to name a few. They wanted T to text them every second of every day, and if she didn't R would jump to accusing her of never loving them in the first place or cheating on them (this really hurt T, her moral compass is very important to her and she's talked about how it hurt to do everything to show you're trustworthy and still not be believed). This was especially difficult since they went to different schools- R had previously gone to our (as in T and my) school but left for unrelated reasons. One major thing is how much they absolutely hated me. R would constantly talk to T about and even say to my face that they believed I was trying to "steal" T from them. Even beyond the objectification of that statement, if T didn't text them during passing time or lunch, it was always blamed on her being too busy talking to me. Eventually, T reached a breaking point and broke up with them for her own mental health and well-being. She told me that if they wanted to make her choose between our friendship and their relationship, she was going to choose me because I actually made her happy.

It's been a bit since all of that went down- friend groups shifted, we were able to get away from them. Unfortunately, they decided to move back to our school this year. The whole time they've been trying to get back with T. That meant sucking up to me, texting both of us, even talking on group chats that people later told us about that they were constantly talking about their ex they were in love with, and how pretty their ex looked today (T was their only ex).

In a more recent revelation, T and I talked things through and decided to enter a QPR. We still call ourselves best friends and no one really knows other than one other close friend, but this does mean how we act around each other has changed slightly. We were touchy before, but now we're more comfortable with it and we'll kiss on occasion, just not in public.

Which leads me to my point, R constantly hangs around our friend group (they know one of the kids who talks to us sometimes) and always manages to be in close proximity. WIBTA if (with consent from T of course) I just ramped up the PDA to ten, holding hands and hugging and standing right on top of each other. I want to scare them off so they stop trying to bother T, and maybe they'll finally take the hint that they're not interested. At the same time though, I just feel bad, like I'm proving to them that T broke up with them because of me. This is something I've talked to T about-she's fine with it. I just need to know whether it's a good idea or a bad one.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[sassyfrassboss]

I wonder if the pushback Meghan and Harry are receiving is also a trauma induced choc after covid. I mean it is so global, almost systematic and it's a good thing but they are also so many people who are awful but don't receive that much attention. Even I, like I didn't really care about them because I can't stand Harry but the Oprah interview changed it. The race baiting in particular but also their handling of the mental health problems (too much buzz words and word salad) and the lies....

What I'm saying is that I was wondering if it's also the fact that after so many people lost their family's members without being able to say goodbye we had to see priviledge people moan and attack their own family. And then the so public death of Philip and the so public widowhood of the Queen.

I say that because I was listenning music in shuffle mode and it went on "For those who can't be here" and I remembered when I heard it first. I just learnt the death of a friend. I can't listen to it now actually because I cry each time. I remember, I thought about Catherine, that she gets it. She understands, she thinks about these things. She associated herself with the right song at the right time.

I just wondered if it's the same thing with the Oprah interview. When people see H&M now they feel again the anger of that behaviour at that time.

I was just having this conversation with my mom the other day.

The total lack of awareness when they were being interview, even in the Netflix doc, was beyond the scope of rationale.

A, at the time, 37 year old man complaining his father cut him off financially and that it was lucky his mum gave him $20m otherwise they wouldn't have had anything.

I remember at this time inflation was starting to hit, people were losing their jobs, their homes, family members, etc...

But yet the WORLD was supposed to feel badly for the "Princess in the Tower" because no one was fawning over her during her pregnancy and treating her unborn child as if it was the next Emperor of the Universe. We were supposed to feel badly that the press justifiably vilified her for her lies and her attitude and her bullying. We were supposed to feel badly that while many people went to bed hungry she was crying in an opera box wearing thousands in jewels and clothing.

My favorite part was in Netflix when they acted like they were so destitute and had a hard time affording their $15M mansion.

Like what???

You know what I do when I really really really want something I can't afford? I either let of that dream or I set aside $$$ each month so I can eventually afford what I want.

But yet these two are here whining about how they just had to have that house and were going to do whatever they could to get it. Or whoever they could hahaha.

I truly think they are way past their sell by date. No one cares for them anymore and people have moved on with their lives. Americans could care less about H&M because many of us are worrying the F*** out over the 6-9% cost of living increase and the fact that some groceries have gone up 75% in the past two years.

[walker33961]

COLONEL'S H O M E 💗

Alejandro real-time forgot that he had a little picnic planned with you in Japan on spring times... You really felt a bit broken when you realised that he forgot ... Meanwhile....he was down feeling from the recent missions , no proper intels, seeing best ones in injury and enemies change in location often and sending threats to his motherland .....

He really wanted to tell you these things , Well...you were aware that the time was not going well over Him, over the team & base ... After the mission got finally complete from his side , He got busy reconstructing the base.. After a good ass war with the shadows and specially , Graves....

Whenever he came home , we was all dull , broken from inside ..he hardly shows his emotions..

He was always better in hiding emotions after losing his elder brother , He almost lost his brother like person, his best friend and mate, Rudy..

Everyone wanted to see the Happy - chilled Colonel they knew & always saw They know about you, they know you always fix him. They know you are his "Home"...

They have a high expectation this time since it was the most freak shit mission and he also got locked in his own black site prison...

.

Time : 2:43 AM

Door nob twisting sound fills the silent room and he stepped into the house, A beautiful garden surrounded 2 storey house, in a location which only Rudy, los Vaqueros, Task force 141 Boys knew about..

After he stepped he got welcome by the little sweetie in the house "Marie" The cute munchkin milk white cat you got as a wedding gift from your sweet mother- in - law.

It's a family tradition that the bride will be gifted at least 1 kitten / cat which signifies the peace love and wellbeing of the family, Marie always brought light to both of your dull days❤

But this time, emotions and mental health striked him bad honestly.... So it's different this time.. No happy face after petting Marie..still... His heart became a bit warm ..

.

Alejandro : Awe Pequeña - *Little* . How you've been.. *tired voice but enough to understand* *petting the cat*

"Donde esta tu Mamá? " - *Where's your Momma*

The cat meows and walks to your room, Alejandro following Marie.. After she stopped and scratched the door a bit... She went away to her little space and He Twisted the nob and sees you sleeping peacefully..

He saw your sleeping state , time stopped like he's in a dream and your a angel from heaven sleeping in beds as if sleeping in clouds..

Your wedding ring shinning bright, sharing little shines around your face..

The orange Bedlights throwing a gold glow over your fair light brown skin He sees it As it's sharing aura lights in the midnight dark blue sky .....

And your charcoal black hair, shinning normally... But he sees it as if it's the wave of sea in the yellow moonlit night.....

One thing tho...it's ain't like he's the one who works..

He always saw you struggling with your work and getting less chance for yourself.. Even ignoring the fact of being in rest when sick... That's why he planned for a Japan spring picnic under the sakura falls..but... Got cancelled due thar historic mission....

You didn't mind since you are understanding....He's fking lucky for it !

Alejandro :

*comes near you and sits down carefully on the floor, so that u don't wake up*

"I have no idea how I got you Mi Amor , Maybe I did something good in past and you're the reward for it....I can never describe how you fix me everytime, wish I could tell you how much I want a little picnic , a little time spend.... To make u feel loved a bit more . I want to open up my heart, don't know what the fuck is stopping me from being free to my beloved wife... I love you more than anything Y/n.. I just wish. ...

*starts sobbing*

You :

*slowly opening the eyes from the sudden sobbing sounds, seeing Alejandro sitting and wiping his eyes, hair all messed up, diry clothes still on, eyes full of tiredness*

You : *hugs him placing hands over his neck and pulling him closer*

"Don't cry , your pretty earthy brown eyes don't deserve these bitter like tears..I love you Ale , and i understand that it's not easy to open up no matter how close the person can be... Take your time Amor.....I'm always with you , to listen whatever you wanna speak about"... *kissed him on his forhead*

*you feel his body getting lighter from the pain and burden which was over him.. He was melting in your touch, sobs getting lighter and his breathing getting back on the right pattern*

Alejandro : Can we plan for it aga.....

You : Honey, You don't have to plan a trip to make me feel loved.. Your presence is much more important to me than those trips.. All i appreciate is a cup of coffee, sitting together in a couch , Marie in your lap , And some sweet movie playing in... I live for these moments to be happen everyday..bcz home is home..and your My Home . ...But your long mission calls and...

Alejandro : Not this time... Los Vaqueros and 141 , all of us got 6 months off from our missions...the rookies are well trained and will assist , we'll give direction to lead from our homes... As easy as that...

" I promise to make the use of these times, to the fullest.. ❤"

You : LOS QUIERO MUCHO ALEJANDRO - *love you so much* *A big kiss over his lips*

Alejandro : Y/n .... *staring at her with whole love*

You : Hmm?

Alejandro : Gracias por todo.... - *thanks for everything*

You : *hugs*

Alejandro : *inhaling her sent , which he feels home*

You : * Releasing the hug* Honey you better take a shower... I'll prepare the dinner

Alejandro : How about I have you tonight as a meal... It's been....

You : *pinches him a little*

Alejandro : Ouch Mi Amor, Okay okay I'm going for a shower...

*screaming from the bathroom *

"I'll make sure I keep my words about it...."

You : *😳😳😳😳😳😳*

｡.｡:∞♡*💗»»————><————««💗*♡∞:｡.｡

<3 : @alewesker @sleepyconfusedpotato @sarahs-secrets2

　　

#cod mw #cod mw2 #mw2 2022 #alejandro cod #call of duty fanart #cod imagine #gaz cod #price cod #rudy cod #aesthetic #alejandro vargas #alejandro x reader #alejandro x y/n #colonel alejandro vargas #los vaqueros #soap cod #cod x you #cod x reader #cod x oc

[slayerkitty]

BL/QL Ask game : The Ugly, the Bad and the Worst

Thanks to @clara-maybe-ontheroad and @twig-tea for tagging me!

The categories are :

Worst soundtrack / weirdest song choice in a BL: Oh man. Um. It might be the song that plays at the beginning of Wedding Plan, during Prapai and Sky's wedding, Battle of the Hymn Republic.

Most cringe-inducing line (cute): "Do you like grilled fish?" Pharm to Dean in UWMA, after they almost kissed, while standing in an aquarium.

Most cringe-inducing line (actually bad): "Keep looking at me like that and I'll kiss you til you drop," Wat to Tine, 2Gether. This line wouldn't be nearly so cringe-y or bad if said kissing had actually happened. It could've been hot. Instead it ends up feeling silly.

Most stupid decision made by a character: Pharm's grandfather/Korn's father keeping the loaded gun Korn and In used on themselves in what looks like a cookie tin-like box on his bookshelf for 30 years where anyone (*ahem* Pharm *ahem*) could find it.

Worst plot line: Chains of Heart - Din as Lue kills the man who tried to kill him and Ken years ago and instead of having a conversation with Ken about why he took on a new identity and pretended to be dead, etc, HE JUST LEAVES AND THEY NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

The most problematic show you've watched: Tharntype.

A show people love but you find bad: Tharntype.

A show people find bad but you will defend: Bed Friend. For all it's issues, it's themes around trauma, sex and mental health were amazingly well done.

A show that is just objectively bad but you enjoyed it: Unforgotten Night. It's awful. It's also campy and unpredictable in places and there's a m/m/m threesome, so...

A bad show that you kept watching because you were intrigued/fascinated: Chains of Heart. Something about it hooked me though it's not a well done show, lol. Plus it spawned our Chains of Confusion weekly chats, which I loved.

A bad show that you kept watching because you were horny: Why R U? It turned into a fanservice sexfest toward the end (thanks, Covid) but I can't even be mad because Zee and Saint went for it and I respect that.

A bad show that you kept watching because of that one character: Dinosaur Love. I watched for the chemistry between the mains and Chalarm.

A bad show that you would still recommend: Ummm... this is complicated because I think it would depend on who was asking. If it's a show with tropes I know the person asking would like, I would maybe recommend it with the caveat that it's bad, LOL.

The character that ruined a show the most: Pluern-Plang from Together With Me. Oh, I don't even know where to start with her. Also, Dr Bright, same show. UGH.

Most awful character that you hated: Uea's mother in Bed Friend. I actively wanted her to die and that is just not who I am.

Most awful character that you loved: Vegas, KinnPorsche. Oh, I have complicated feelings about him but overall I loved his character for just being evil and unapologetic.

A character that wasn't awful but that you just don't like: I couldn't think of an answer for this, LOL.

A hero that should have been a villain: Joke, Hidden Agenda. He should have been a stalker.

A morally bad character you're into: Literally every character in KinnPorsche, pretty much. I love them all. Morals? Those characters don't know her.

A morally bad character you're not into and you wish people would stop being into: I also couldn't think of an answer for this one. One will probably come to me later, LOL.

The show that disappointed you the most: Hidden Agenda. I am still feeling that burn. Chains of Heart also goes here. I still like both of them, I just had higher hopes for more.

The Worst Show of Them All Because of Your Own Reasons: Tharntype.

#thai ql #the ugly the bad and the worst ask game

[just-some-guy-joust]

Tell us about Eden *holds up microphone to you*

Thank you all for indulging me I am going to yell about her so fucking hard <3 Same as my Amedeo rant, this one's LONG babey YIPPEE! This ended up being 34 fucking paragraphs!!!!

All art is by me, all links on character names lead to their toyhouse profiles

Content warnings: Unreality, toxic relationships, bad mental health

This is Eden! She/her, 20-22 years old (22 at time of Doomed By The Narrative), 5'1, a college student who's also in the college's gaming club! She's the best friend/sister of Aiden, another member of the club who's like super rich and inherited a fuckoff big manor from their parents (which I am mentioning exclusively for the context to explain the fact that the story is called In A Manor Of Speaking)

Eden is very very sweet and kind and energetic and fun. She's good vibes all around and she's friends with Everyone so hard. If you're familiar with my other OC I've shoved into one of my tournaments though, Amedeo, you... might know where this is going a little bit.

For a basic plot summary up until Eden has anything to do with anything, Aiden comes home one day with a demon, Viorel, who is VERY lost and confused and has no memory of how he got to the human world. They all pretty quickly discover Viorel is not the only demon coming through to the human world though. Vivian and Engel are hunting him down and don't believe him when he says he has no clue who they are. They send another demon after him to kill him, though it doesn't work well since he just befriends it and now it is also living in the manor having a good time. Afterwards, Amedeo, a member of the gamer club, starts acting... odd. He invites Aiden to hang out, and then they get kidnapped, Viorel having to go save them. It was only the first incident of many with Amedeo, and he slowly got worse, making everyone really uncomfortable and staying away from him.

Eden didn't want to sit by and watch this happen to her friend, so she tried asking it what was going on. It responded by attacking her, sending her on a trip to the hospital.

It was fine. It was ok. That was her fault, really. She should've known.

Amedeo was kicked out of the gamer club (she hadn't wanted that but she wasn't there to vote on it). Apparently he never went back to his apartment. Some time after his disappearance, Aiden died. She wasn't there when it happened. Viorel said it was Amedeo.

It was... it was fine. It was ok. It was awful. It hurt so much. Awful things kept happening to the people around her and she couldn't do anything about it. Her sibling was dead, it was getting so hard to breathe anymore.

It was fine. It was ok. Aiden... "survived" in a way. They came back as a ghost days later. Stuck in a computer, yeah, but they could still talk. They were still here. It wasn't fair of Eden to stay upset for long, not when Aiden was having the WORST time coping with their new form. So she puts on a smile and acts just like she did before. Everything's going to be alright. Even if she has to be the only one acting like it is.

More time passes. One day, she stares at the back window and finds... Amedeo. He's a mess. He looks like he's been hit with a truck, or like he's been sleeping under a bush the last several days. Frantically, Eden runs outside, chasing him down when he tries to run from her, and pulling him in for a hug. It was alright. It was going to be ok, she promised. How long has it been since you've eaten, do you need water, you can take a nap in one of the fancy beds, I promise I won't let Viorel hurt you I know you're worried, I missed you, I was worried about you, please come inside.

As time passed, things became comfortable again. Amedeo had really changed for the better and was trying so hard to make things right. Viorel built Aiden a new robotic body for them to haunt, and they were getting used to it well. The gamer club was getting back together. Eden, Viorel, and Aiden took a trip to the monster realm to learn more about Viorel's past after his sister showed up looking for him. Eden didn't... really understand what happened. Viorel was pretty upset, but she didn't know why. Just as always, she felt like she was missing something everyone else understood. This wasn't her story, after all. She was just there to smile and remind everyone it was going to be ok. She was a bright spot for them. She knew that. They returned to the human world, some new friends in tow, and things were back on track for a while.

It was fine. It was ok.

In the almost 2 years since all of this began, Reverie was the first person to ever ask her that.

Eden and Reverie begin hanging out a lot after that. Not just for the shoulder to cry on, they really do enjoy each others company. They got close, closer than Eden had ever felt with anyone. It felt... odd. She was having a really hard time naming her feelings for them. She cared about them but something was off. It was really hard to know what was nagging the back of her head. They kept bringing up weird existential ideas, never enough for a full conversation, but they really did have strange ideas about how the world functioned. She kind of liked it though. It was fun to consider the possibility. That maybe none of it was real. What a relief that could be...

"Hey. I want to show you something" Reverie told her one day. They guided her to a private room, making doubly sure no one was around. Confidently, they held out their hand. Above it, floating and glowing softly, was... a menu.

Save, load, quit, settings. A video game menu. Above their head, "player 2".

None of it was real.

Reverie is player 2 of the video game known as "In A Manor Of Speaking". They've played this game hundreds of times. Player 1... Viorel, had left them a long time ago, and has no memory of the nature of the world. So Reverie alone had been restarting the game over and over, trying to find a path that would let them finally beat the final boss and escape the game. If they could just win, they'd finally be able to leave and reenter the real world. 100% maxing out Eden's friendship level was one thing they still hadn't done, until now. They had a good feeling about this one. They were sure of it.

An NPC. That's all she was.

It made sense. She'd always felt that way. She wasn't even important to the plot. She knew it. Of course it'd take them this long to try maxing out her friendship, she was always just a background character. None of it was real. None of it mattered. She was doing such a good job of playing her role, wasn't she? A perfect side piece in a story that isn't hers.

She went along with it. Her odd feelings about Reverie made sense now, that wasn't fully her... she was programmed to feel that way. But she still cared about them. She still wanted to help. Shoving down all the thoughts, it felt so. Easy. To dedicate herself to their goal. She loved them, she cared about them, she hated them, she looked up to them. Something about them was magnetizing and she didn't want to leave. Of course. Of course she'd help. She knew now, that's what she was supposed to do. What a relief. None of it had ever mattered. It was a kind thought to her.

Now she was able to see the save points, the HP bars above peoples heads, sometimes she caught glimpses of dialogue boxes as Reverie spoke to people. They introduced her to someone very special that only the two of them could seem to see. Elysium. She was an AI made for the game to keep it running properly, and to rewrite bits of code, to expand the world they lived in. The game was always evolving because of her. Elysium acted rather cold and grumpy a lot of the time, but there was an undeniable warmth to her that Eden admired.

Knowing about the game was terrifying, but the time she spent with Elysium and Reverie... It was wonderful. She finally felt like she was somewhere she belonged. She never felt so special than when she was with them. It was fun, to be part of the game. It was the happiest she felt in a long time.

...Right?

She still didn't smile much anymore. Reverie dismissed her various concerns often, saying it was fine, she was an NPC, she wouldn't get it. There was always this look in their eye that gave her chills. Reverie would tell her to fight that monster, it's for the EXP. When she protested, they'd tell her, what's the problem? None of this is real. I'll probably have to reload anyways, so none of this will matter in the end. Reverie would get themself in dangerous situations over and over. When Eden was worried about them, Reverie never understood. If they died, they just come back, it wasn't a big deal.

They never really did look at her, or Elysium. Every movement they made felt scripted. Every word, carefully planned. None of it mattered, to them. If Eden was uncomfortable, what did it matter? She wasn't real. She wasn't real. She knew she wasn't real.

But it was fine. It was ok.

Months passed in a blur. Eden hadn't spent much time with her other friends the entire time. She wasn't even sure what they were up to. It didn't matter. They wouldn't have changed their actions if she tried. That was never her choice. But it didn't matter. It was time. Just her and Reverie, and the final boss.

As Reverie rambled about the plan, Eden silently stared down at her palms, as always. She was so... afraid. Worried. She wished she could just give herself some reassurance. ...And the game's menu silently popped up in her hands. It held Reverie's save. ...It wouldn't hurt, she thought. She pressed the save button. It gave her a little comfort.

It was so hard to focus she hardly noticed they were in the battle with Engel now. When had they...? It didn't matter. Reverie was shouting at her, and she snapped back into reality and joined the battle, sword in hand. Engel's blank eyes stared right past her, entirely focused on Reverie. Eden, took a step, and found herself behind them. Time seemed to slow. She didn't remember getting this close to them so quickly. But it was her chance. It was her time. She raised the sword, and brought it down.

Engel's head rolled to the floor, their body collapsing next to it. Reverie and Eden froze. Neither of them dared to breathe. Eden couldn't see anything but the blood on her sword. She nearly dropped it with how heavy it suddenly felt. But quickly Reverie's arms were around her. They picked her up, yelling in excitement, looking more happy than she had ever seen them. They smiled at her so genuinely, and everything melted away. That was all she wanted. She laughed too, the image of Engel's headless corpse disappearing from her mind, losing herself in the relief. It was all over.

The area around them faded to black and white, "THE END" appearing a few feet in front of Reverie. They dropped Eden, and ran towards it, reaching for the "quit" button. And then it was gone. The quit button disappeared right before they could hit it. Leaving only "Restart" and "Reload" beside where it had been.

Eden couldn't see Reverie's face from where she was, but she could feel the chill radiating from them. They were frozen place, the room silent. Then they laughed, something hollow and empty. Then louder, crazed and desperate. They collapsed to the floor, their laughs and sobs intermingling so well Eden couldn't tell the difference between them. She tried to reach out to them, but before she could reach them, she heard them speak.

"If I can't leave, then this world might as well rot."

A folder icon flashed above their now outstretched palm and they reached into it, crushing the code within. Eden immediately felt dizzy. The world began to crumble around them, glitching out in bright colors, awful noises emanating from the edges where nothing but void lay beyond. Eden could see flashes of other places, other people. The world was collapsing in on itself as Reverie laughed. It was so hard to think. It was so hard to be. Eden reached for her sword. It didn't want to stay in her grasp, but her resolve solidifying, she forced it in her hand.

Reverie turned toward her just in time for the blade to pierce their chest. They stopped, in shock, for a struggling heartbeat.

They laughed. They grabbed Eden's hands and pulled, plunging the sword farther through their back, and putting Eden's face closer to theirs. "Do you think this matters?" they taunted through wheezing breaths. "I'll just come back! I always have. I always will! This means NOTHING Eden!"

They stood there for what felt like eternity. Eden didn't know what to say and could barely even see them through the tears in her eyes. But slowly, slowly, Reverie's laugh trailed off. And their face betrayed a sudden hint of fear.

Nothing happened.

Nothing happened as their breath hitched again and their legs gave out, dropping them to the floor. Nothing happened as they coughed up blood weakly. Nothing happened. Their HP had already dropped to 0. It never took this long. Nothing happened. Frantically they opened the menu.

It was Eden's save. No, it was Reverie's. No... the names switched back and forth, never settling in place for long. "WHat did yoU DO?" they tried their best to shift their position despite the unbearable pain, looking for Eden. They spotted her in front of the "THE END" screen, processing what she was doing moments too late. She reloaded, and everything went black.

Through a painful haze of noise and color, Eden could hear Elysium's voice. "Do you see what you've done, Reverie?" "pl...ease..." "How the hell am I supposed to fix this?! Look around you Reverie! Look what you've DONE!" "ple.....please...pl... please" "I can only think of one way to fix this. I'm going to delete you. I hope you had fun in the time you were here."

"NO!" Eden screamed out. She didn't want this. But it was all she could do as she finally slipped into what could only be compared to unconsciousness.

She awoke who knows when on a couch in Elysium's room. After making sure she was ok, Elysium explained. She explained everything. Eden trying to reload a save she made when she wasn't even a player freaked out the game so bad, on top of the code Reverie had destroyed... it was a mess. Elysium had stabilized it. Reverie was... well, not really alive, but not really dead either. They were stuck somewhere in between, in the moment they would have died if they hadn't been a player who's supposed to reload if their save wasn't corrupted. But Elysium could fix it, she was sure she could.

Eden asked if this was how this was supposed to go. Elysium sighed, and said yes.

Eden's route in the game wasn't always like this. But Reverie had become so fixated on finding their exit and treating the world around them like nothing but a toy. Elysium hadn't known what else to do. So she rewrote the code, the story, she rearranged the narrative, so Eden would be learn about the game. So she would start to glitch out the system. So she could be invisible to Engel's eyes because she was glitching out so badly, so she could finally be the one to end the game. So Reverie would finally see there was nothing else. This world was all their was.

It was never about Eden.

None of it had ever had anything to do with her.

The narrative had been rewritten just for her. The months of pain. The horrible state Eden had found herself in, agreeing to Reverie's views of the world. That she was worthless. That she was nothing. That this world was a prison. All the sweet moments, all the comfort Eden had felt in those fleeting scenes. It was all for her. None of it was for her. It was always about Reverie. She was one more piece in this awful play.

Eden bid Elysium farewell, and went home.

#asks #doomed by the narrative showdown

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #71

I still don't know what I'm supposed to be doing to help you. But I know it doesn't involve stewing in the weird mental space I was in yesterday. Good grief, that was thoroughly unpleasant - for me and probably for everyone else that was in my general vicinity, too.

At the suggestion of J, I had made plans to get lunch today with my best friend, BB. I've known BB since I was 16 years old; in just a couple of years, we'll have known each other for two whole decades. It's surreal, really, how quickly the time has flown. Surreal, how many versions of me she's seen. Surreal that even after all this time, she is still at my side - through all the weird and awful things I used to think, through all the piss-poor choices I've made, and through all the bizarreness that is my existence in general. And yet through all this, her faith in who I am and the nature of my character has not wavered. Not even once.

…I wish everyone could get so lucky as to have a friend like her. I'm extraordinarily blessed.

BB, her soon-to-be-husband N (who is also an amazing example of a human being), and I went to get sushi. I wished I could go to their house to chill out afterwards, but tomorrow I am going on a road trip with J, and another friend of mine, Br, so I had to get home and get ready.

We talked about a variety of things. N has had some health problems, but hopefully things are starting to look up. BB spoke briefly on their upcoming wedding; we still have to go over their playlist, and I was invited to taste-test cakes with them - I'm looking forward to doing both!

…I was really, REALLY not okay yesterday. Suppose it's just the tail-end of Sunday's adrenaline surge combined with the monthly loss of bodily resources that comes with inhabiting a female body. Perhaps, too, I was going a little stir-crazy for a variety of reasons. I think I just needed to spend time with people who know me well, other than M and J, for a little bit.

…I don't spend nearly as much time with BB as I should. This is due to the fact that I have conditioning that tells me that I shouldn't bother people unless it's for a damn good reason. Like, for example, they need something from me, or I have something nice to give to them or something nice to do for them. Otherwise, my brain imagines that I had better leave people alone, because I don't get to chill with them unless I "deserve" it somehow, or unless I somehow make up for the fact that I am taking up their time, energy, and space.

This is how it used to go a long time ago. The people taking care of me didn't really want anything to do with me unless they wanted me to do something. And I wasn't supposed to bother the adults with my presence unless it was about something they considered critical - bothering them for reasons that they deemed insubstantial led to me being told things like, "Can you not see that I'm obviously busy?" Or even sometimes an entire tirade about how much of a selfish little attention whore they think I am, albeit often in different words, and usually with a lot more angry expletives. The result is that as a rule, I don't typically ask for time from others unless I think I have something explicitly valuable to offer them (my brain does not categorize "time with a Lumine" as inherently valuable; rather, this is categorized as a burden or a chore), for fear of imposing upon them.

But you know? It's not a long time ago anymore. I'm not living with chronically angry people anymore. Maybe it's about time I really started putting more effort into defying this conditioning so that my brain can finally catch up to modern times, hm? I suppose "spending time with close friends just for the heck of it instead of waiting until they need me or waiting until I'm explicitly invited" should be added to the list of answers to the question of, "What is caring for a Lumine supposed to look like?"

…I wish you could meet BB and her lovely fiancé, N. They're wonderful people. I wish you could eat sushi with us and talk with us about various things. I wish you could be around for all the inside jokes and crazy memories. I wish you could listen to BB tell you the story about that one time we had to run away to avoid getting trampled by a crazy sports mob (it was terrifying, but also really funny!). I wish you could do the Jiraiya Hop with us. I wish you could flip through BB's notebooks full of Japanese songs that she's translated. I wish you could play DDR with us. There's so many things I wish for. But the best I can do is send along a few pictures of the yummy things we got today.

(I truly can't even begin to properly express to you what a frustrating, despondent, and terrible thing it is that this little bit is the best I can do for you…)

Hey, Sephiroth. Please keep yourself safe out there. Please make kind, gentle, and loving choices. Please keep striving for peace and safety, for yourself, for your world, and for all the people in it. So many people are counting on you. I'm counting on you. Don't let us down.

Today's letter is short, I know. I'm sorry. But I'm pretty tired, and I still gotta get ready for tomorrow morning. I will be driving a lot tomorrow, most likely. J, Br, and I will be making a 7-hour trip to Pennsylvania, because if there must be a long car trip, it's safer to do it with company so that someone can take over if folks get too tired. It'll be a long time, but it'll be good company.

I will likely be exhausted by the end of it (driving is stressful, even in good company), but I'm still going to make the time to write to you once I arrive safely at my destination. Count on it.

Your friend, Lumine

#sephiroth #ThankYouFFVIIDevs #ThankYouFF7Devs #ThankYouSephiroth #final fantasy vii #final fantasy 7 #ff7 #ffvii #final fantasy vii crisis core #final fantasy 7 crisis core #final fantasy crisis core #ffvii crisis core #ff7 crisis core #crisis core #ff7r #final fantasy vii remake #final fantasy 7 remake #ffvii remake #ff7 remake #final fantasy vii rebirth #final fantasy 7 rebirth #ffvii rebirth #ff7 rebirth #final fantasy 7 ever crisis #ffvii ever crisis #ff7 ever crisis #ffvii first soldier #i still don't know what to do #so I guess I might as well work on breaking my self-destructive conditioning #wholesome

[acornered]

2024 WISHLIST

I know Resolutions are a controversial concept but I still want to spend some time reflecting on what my goals this year were, if I accomplished them to my satisfaction, and what I'd like the next year of my life to look like. So here we go:

Purchase second-hand and locally owned as much as possible How Well I Did: Very well! I've become friends with a lot of local vintage store owners, artists, and tradespeople, and I've been able to reduce the amount of frivolous consumption I engage in significantly. Repeat in 2024: Absolutely!!!

Continue to work on my relationship with my body How Well I Did: Uh. Ooof. Um. My body changed a lot this year and it's been really hard for me to make peace with that. Regular healthy meals and consistent exercise are both difficult habits for me because of the mental illnesses, and falling off of that particular wagon, combined with finally coming to terms with my ED, has made for a rocky road to body positivity. Repeat in 2024: I need to redouble my efforts here, and actually commit to forming healthy habits around food, and making time to do a little physical activity each day. And every time I look in the mirror, I will try to challenge the negative thoughts until I can hopefully accept the inherent worth and beauty of my flesh.

Continue to work on my mental health How Well I Did: Average, I think. There were bouts of depression, and periods of inconsistency with my medication, but I am getting better every day and I have built myself a really stellar support system to pick up the slack when I need it! Repeat in 2024: Always, every year, forever. I can't imagine going back.

Nurture and honor my relationships with others, and my own wellbeing in those relationships How Well I Did: Pretty well, with only 2 notable exceptions. To the people who have helped me grow, who have loved me enough to tell me when I am wrong, who have been patient with me when I've had to assert a boundary with them-- thank you. I may not always choose well, but when I do I end up with the most beautiful, loving relationships I could ask for. Repeat in 2024: There are two specific things that I need to face down next year (one pleasant but terrifying, and one awful but necessary), and I only hope that I can do so with strength and grace and that the pain will be worth the healing it brings.

Have positive romantic and sexual experiences How Well I Did: I had moderate success with this one. While I made a real effort to put myself out there, there were moments of true despair, especially after a couple of opportunities broke down from poor communication/bad timing. However, I did manage to figure out some important boundaries, and enforce them to varying degrees of success. I'm entering 2024 still single, which is not ideal, but with a much better sense of what I'm looking for and how to ask for it. Repeat in 2024: I'm still not great at making the first move, but I am mentally projecting shoot your shot vibes to every cute girl I know, and maybe this year I'll even get an opportunity to be courageous.

Read at least 1 book every month How Well I Did: I managed around 8/12, and didn't keep track of when I read what. But I am consuming books again which is in turn helping me rediscover my love of reading and writing. I think with more of a concentrated push, I can make this happen for real! Repeat in 2024: Yep, with better documentation this time!

Conclusion: 2023 was a mixed bag, and it really ended on a low note with multiple waves of interpersonal conflict, a bad bout of depression, and an unexpected death of someone I've known since childhood. I want to start the New Year with a clean slate, but it's difficult with so many things unresolved, and a funeral service to attend in the very first week of 2024. I am determined to start slow, and find that balance between necessary rest and gratuitous wallowing. I am grateful every day that my desire to move forward, to shape the life I want for myself, overpowers my desire to lay down and never move again. At least most of the time. I promise to continue to find beauty in quiet, unlikely places, to give the kind of love I wish to receive, and make my corner of the world the kind of soft place I'd be happy to inhabit. If you've read this far, I love you and I hope you stick around. Happy New Year (almost).

#personal #acornposting #new years resolution #recovery #ed mention #negative body image mention #depression mention

[confessionspace]

I told my first love and partner of years I wanted a break in September. They asked to check back in in a month, October. I thought that meant they would start that conversation m, and I have awful fear of confrontation (it’s no excuse I know). They didn’t. So I left it alone. I pretended nothing happened, and during this time I started falling for one of my friends. I felt horrible about this, because I hadn’t ended things with my partner yet. This friend had admitted to having feelings for me about six months prior, and I rejected them. I became withdrawn from my partner because I was scared to admit I needed to leave them. They texted me one day saying that because I was the person they were closest to in our friend group, it felt like they’d been totally cut out, and their mental health had suffered. I took full responsibility, ended it, and asked to stay friends, which they wanted too. That night i spent time with the friend I was falling for. They were definitely flirting with me, but they had been coaching me through the end of my relationship since August. We live in Minnesota, but they only moved here in may. I felt it was unfair to my ex to fall for them, and was incredibly conflicted. I knew I was already the bad guy, and didn’t want go make it worse. But we kept flirting. I told myself there was no harm in it. By December, they confessed their feelings to me and I said I felt the same way. We aren’t quite dating, but we’re affectionate, we’ve said “I love you”, and we know we want to spend our lives together. And? I’m happy. I can’t believe how happy I am with this person. It’s everything I’ve wanted from a relationship, it’s incredible. But our friend group, and my ex, don’t know, and I don’t know how to tell them. We’ve agreed not to tell them for now. My relationship with my ex was a secret the whole time, and I can’t do that again. But my fear of confrontation is stopping me from asking them out officially, because then we need to tell family and friends. And I want to spend my life with them. I want my family and friends to know. But I don’t want my ex to be sad, and I don’t want my friends to judge me for falling in love the day after breaking up. I’m scared that if I wait to tell people for too long, the person I’m in love with will leave me eventually. Also, this person is also my best friend. The other people in our group are their sibling and siblings partner, who I will lose if I lose them, my ex, and my friend who I care deeply about but who I’ve been distant from lately as a result of all this previous stuff. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared.

Submitted February 7, 2024.

#confessions #confession #confess

[lycanthian]

blaseball.

a eulogy, of sorts.

(cw for mentions if suicide under the cut)

blaseball was my solace.

my only source of warmth by any definition in the cold (both literally and figuratively) of november 2020. that year was desolate. it was freezing.

i joined blaseball at the suggestion of, who was at the time an acquaintance, at the tail end of season eleven. i was skeptical, but latched onto the shoe thieves.

the season ended, and i spent the entire grand siesta researching just about every single thing that had ever happened in the game to that point. i was neck deep on hyperfixation, with no clue as to how deep that love would become.

blaseball helped me through a really hard time. in the years 2019-2020, i was a high school freshman navigating a brand new setting with hardly anyone i knew. being hit with quarantine was, possibly, the worst thing that could have happened to me. it was awful knowing that i spent so much energy making new friends only to be forced away from them, many of which not only cutting contact but dropping out or moving away.

i had to make new friends again when we came back. blaseball was one of the only ways i knew how. i spent lunches upon lunches of discussing everything that was happening and everything lored by the community. it helped me connect with people when connection was hard to come across.

(heres where we get into the cw a bit)

blaseball was an escape.

2020 and 2021 were shitty, shitty years.

covid aside, my mental health was at an all time low. i managed to keep going because of blaseball. it distracted me from the horrors of the world.

being cooped up made our already tense family life worse. my parents were at each others throats near constantly. they were at my brothers throats near constantly. my brothers were at each others throats near constantly.

when i started going back to school in person, covid was still rampant. shootings were picking up more and more, especially in my state.

blaseball, the act of being able to invest myself in it, was what kept me from doomspiraling for months on end.

im surprised i survived quarantine. if it werent for the community blaseball gave me, i dont think i would be here today to tell this story.

the community that blaseball gave me was extemely supportive and actually instrumental to my beginning to love and learn more about myself.

if i never got that opportunity, i think i very well would have offed myself by now. i mean, with the stress of school and the shitty world outside mixing with the added stress of having to witness both of my brothers' attempts... its hard not to to understand at least a bit

i dont think about it often. i never have. but the way stress has been piling on since that quarantine started, blaseball was the one escape from all that stress.

and for that, im grateful. ive met so many wonderful people here.

ive touched and been touched by so many amazing pieces of art, literature, and music.

my self image wouldnt be where it is today without the support of members of the shoe thieves communities.

my art wouldnt be anywhere near the skill level it is now if i didnt become obsessed with these players.

im sad to see it go this way, dying to the same corporate scope creep that it warned against, but i understand why it had to go.

am i mad about this outcome? yes. absolutely.

but

im grateful for everything that blaseball was able to do for me.

the ending is bittersweet, but i want to say thank you.

thank you to my great friend callie who i dont even know will see this for introducing this wild game to me.

thank you to the fans who worked behind the scenes for hours to archive and record past events so people like me could get up to speed.

thank you to all the amazingly talented artists, writers, and musicians in the fanbase who have created many of the most wonderful, inspirational pieces that rarely leave my mind to this day.

thank you to all of the charleston shoe thieves fans, past and present, for cultivating one of the most diverse, welcoming, and absolutely diehard loving communities ive ever been a part of and giving me a home for when my own was too much for me.

thank you to all of blaseblr, especially my friends and mutuals, who listen to me rant endlessly about my shoe thieves blorbos that most people know nothing about.

and finally, thank you to the game band for creating this absolutely eldritch beast of a project. it changed my life for the better. it has inspired me to do things ive never considered before, and it as well as the fanbase has drastically fundamentally altered who i am as a person.

we stole shoes. we fought gods. we raised the dead. we sucked really hard. we partied until we died. and then partied more. and we won the championships.

👐🏋️‍♀️🔥🍗🐅🔱

🥧📱🛠️🥩🎸💋

🌷🌞🌮🚤🕵️‍♂️🪱

🍬🌴🗣️👟✨🦀

many teams, one league.

#gamey rambles #blaseball

[bloominglately]

Waking Up

There is a fine line between self improvement and acceptance. I would like to have both. I would like to be a better person while also loving and accepting myself for who I am now. I don’t know, is that possible? I have missed out on so much in life due to an anxiety fuelled propensity for avoidance. I am a very young 30 years old. I don’t have a driver’s license, and I have never been on a date. There are many other things that I am embarrassed to admit, I have never done. I would like to change my life and put myself out there. I avoid out of fear, self loathing, and depression. I escape in food and YouTube and social media and Netflix and I am done doing that. I think I am finally at a place in my life to work on myself in a meaningful way. I am starting a l glow up journey and would like to share my progress with others who may relate or be in a similar situation.

I would like to improve every aspect of my life including:

Physical Health/Weight: I would like to lose about 70-80 pounds. Right now, I am around 210 pounds. I was 220 pounds at my highest weight; I have lost about ten pounds since May 2022. I also have PCOS, sleep apnea, aching knees, digestive issues, and constant fatigue. Right now, I see both a general practitioner, and a naturopathic doctor as well as a few specialists. They have encouraged me to lose weight in a non-judgemental way at my own pace. I am very fortunate to have access to healthcare. I have all the right tools and knowledge, just need to actually apply myself, as they say. Overall, I’d like to have more energy, lose weight, heal my fatty liver, and get rid of my sleep apnea. I just want to feel better and look better.

Mental Health: I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, social anxiety disorder and major depression. I have a therapist and it’s going well. I am not currently on any medication but have been in the past. My goal is to feel less anxious and depressed, and to be able to function at a high level and feel well. I truly believe this is something I can accomplish. I just want to wake up with enough energy to get through the day. I would like to not hate myself. I’d like to feel secure and have a little self esteem.

Beauty/Skin: My skin is AWFUL right now. I have both trichotillomania and excoriation disorder (hair pulling and skin picking disease). I almost never pull my hair out anymore (which is great because I didn’t used to have eyebrows or lashes) but I still pick at my face, A LOT. It does not help that my hormonal imbalance from PCOS is causing me to have intense acne. As soon as I turned 30 a hormone bomb went off and I haven’t recovered since. My skin has always been pretty bad, but lately it has been so awful that I’ve kind of given up on it. I am getting back into the skin care routine now, but it’s been a huge hurdle. I am caught in a never-ending cycle of acne, in grown hairs and dark spots. Please skincare gods I humble myself before thee. Imagine having wrinkles, cystic acne, and hirsutism. What a joke.

Career & Education: I work in higher education and am in the process of applying for a master’s in education. I would like to also do a master’s in music as this is what I studied for my undergrad, however right now an M ED. Is a little more practical. Since I work in higher ed, the college I work at will cover my tuition, which is fantastic. Honestly, I think this is the only part of my life that is going relatively well. I have a decent job which is why I think now is the best time for me to really try to tackle my goals. I at least have a bit of money to finance them. I would also love to start a side hustle as a producer/composer. I am a little rusty though but also determined.

Personal/Social Life: I have a few close friends and live at home still. I don’t mind being at home though, as my mom is not well, and I like to be there for her. I also enjoy spending time with my siblings. I just wish everyone would clean up after themselves. Other than that, no complaints. I do wish I had some more friends and a more exciting social life; however, I think I need to nurture the relationship I have with myself as well as my existing friendships.

Romantic Life: LOL. DNE. I don’t think I am ready for this right now. I would like to work on the other aspects of my life first.

Finances: I have a shit ton of student debt. Like 70k. But no credit card debt. I want to pay this off as quick as I can. I would like to own a house some day, but I don’t know if that is possible in this economy. I would really love to be debt free and have a decent chunk of savings. Right now, I have very limited savings, and a whole lot of debt.

Those are the areas I’ll be focusing on. Anyone in a similar boat? I feel like I have been sleeping under the veil of depression and have just woken up. I am realizing now how much I’ve missed and how much I regret. I have definitely experienced some sort of arrested development (it’s one banana Michael, what could it cost? Ten dollars?). Does anyone else fell like they are playing catch up? Would anyone like to join me on this journey?

#glow up #self improvement #weight loss #adulting #self discipline #happiness #self care #skincare #personal #therapy #mental health

[nolantalks]

So I see and hear my name being brought up A LOT recently. I also see that people have been witching hunting for me on a lot of blogs. You people are worse than you claim I was haha. Deranged Obsessive Stalker Fans is like the tip of that iceberg.

Any who, decided to make my first non RPC related blog just so you people have somewhere to stalk and direct all your hate to. Granted, I'm really only going to log on to laugh and keep track of nonsense and yes anons are turned off. So either block this blog or stop being cowards but I suppose only one of us can be brave. In the meantime let me answer a few questions that I've seen recently. Are you INSERT BLOG HERE?

Nope, none of them. As I've stated multiple times, I don't have a personal blog or do any RPT, RPH-style stuff. I actively avoid all those tags given how toxic and apeshit they are which is proven when my name was so much as uttered. Haven't thought about you all in years and now I feel power, I feel above all these 40+-year-old trolls, well I am above them let's be honest I can run two groups both passing their two year mark in a couple of months, work a demanding job, have a fiancee, run classes (more on that later), and take part in AW tournaments out of state, and be dog dad without turning bitter and ugly.

Did I attempt S██████?

Yes, thank you guys for that. Yes, both attempts were because of the RPC HERE and that alone. It is well known I'm bipolar and even now I'll skip the meds here and there when I feel fine and know I'll just take them tomorrow. That is why it kind of makes me laugh that there was Nolan trigger warning. Was that for you or me? I love the talk of caring about mental health and positivity but then when you get told someone you don't like actually almost ends it all because of your actions and lies it's basically THIS.

Have you seen the recent stuff?

I have and again 98% of it is stuff I've never heard of, don't know these people, never knew these groups existed. Even showed it to my fiancee and even he laughed while saying I've been a busy boy. There is one person I wanna call out though because even without the posts I can link to and the screencaps I have saved which they provided ZERO PROOF OF THEMSELVES, I can discredit their ass with Google.

@katherine-mcnamara Like ........................ ahhhhhhh I'm going to be nice, my therapist has been helping me with my tendency to destroy someone that comes at me in general, let alone with obvious lies. I could go into how you are more emotionally unstable off meds than I am and how you don't have a single thought inside your head that a friend didn't give you and the chronic 'freshmen trying to make the seniors think she's cool' vibes. Or even the other dramas buried in the tags about you. But I won't since I still have an atom of respect for you.

Now, I didn't know anything about this Gonzo person you claim is me. I had people on another blog reveal it to me that he was the creepy pedophile you and your friends sicced on a poor girl back in 2012. How the screencaps about it were on a TUMBLR RP but your claiming it was Jcink now. There was talk of him coming back over and over but never that he was using my alias. You also say you know it was me from OOC discord interactions (this is what gotcha). Then you kind of bounce the timeline saying it was before I came to tumblr (early 2014 by the way) so I'll be generous and say 2013 - 2014. You also stated in a now deleted post that I 'was known for being in many jcink and discord servers even before coming to tumblr' bare in mind that was early 2014.

NOOOWWWWW for those of you who have my discord username the one I stopped using for RP back in 2020 I now have a discord specifically for tumblr RPs. Actually sold it to a guy I met on DBD for 20 bucks like a month or two ago. I ask you to check the creation date of that account which you can do simply by right clicking my name and click on Profile. *dramatic drum roll*................. that's right!!! March, 2017. Now please, open any search engine webpage and type in 'When was Discord made.' I'll wait.......................................what?!?!?! May 13, 2015.................. Something about these dates .... the math ain't mathing.

I'll do you better. Now please all you 30+ year-old RPC members recall with me. It's 2014 til let's say, randomly, May 12th 2015. If your group had an OOC space of any kind. What were the two most popular and used ones. If you said OOC side blogs off of the main or Skype groups, Venmo request me for your ten US dollars.

Now lets cover the gap between when discord was made and when the ONLY account ya'll can even remotely link to me was made. so 2015 til 2017. I had my first ALT+DELETE attempt after leaving WOTNA which according to their blog looking through the archive for it, was AUG 27 2015. Now at this time I'm completely unknown only had drama on this site and can only find my alias mentioned on any group back then being WOTNA and ALR where I was right before here. Now, I completely disappear for most of this year. I wonder why ....yeah.... that. When I do come back the first mention of me is on Mount Prospect, no drama and I was only there for like 3 weeks. Jo did steal my characters by keeping them as skeletons after I asked they be deleted, just saying. Then Raven's RP. I tried to join it she being the horrible person that she is cusses me out for semicolons and lets someone use my bio to make my character with a different name and very slight edits. Then silence for 6 months and .....I moved sequence from its 2013-2014 jcink forum to here and for like 3 years it was impossible to be anywhere else for more than a week beforing getting kicked out an a rather uncomfortable message that basically was 'you didn't do anything HERE.... but....". I do wonder based on what you can see..... how interesting that the original home for Sequence has similarities to what was 'stolen' from Raven but you know I stole everything for it and not had something that actually predates the creation of their so-called stolen materials. Its truly a mystery only forces we can't begin to comprehend can truly solve.

Do you hate women?

Nope, 90% of my posting partners identify as female. This started because after Raven's assault on me I called them a bitch. I also was using she/her pronouns for them as that's what they used and allowed me to use when cussing me out over grammar for my app on their site. Didn't know what RPH blogs were back then or that they had one with they/them as their pronouns. But those two things combine got one of the 'he's called them a bitch, he hates women!!' narrative going. If ya'll remember that actual origin how many of you would flip that it wasn't sexist today? After that it just got added to when I'd join a group, someone handed the link to Raven's post and they'd kick me then claim 'he was sexist to us women'. Even today If I join another group and they eventually see that crap, most don't care but toxic ones do. I can't not wanna plot or ship with the first female character that comes to me without an 'oh you do hate women then' comment. And I thought I was the one forcing plots on people?

Are you RPing on Discord?

Yes and no. I have joined Zero group RPs. people that have apologised to me privately while having gone apeshit on me publically have opened 'indie servers' for us to post on together. And yes, I let the narrative I roleplay on discord go without it specifically being indie with those that asked if I would for a reason. to see you crazy fans do your crazy fan thing, and it worked. I do run two classes though on my business discord. One for webdesign an another teaching the use of the Midjourney bot both basic and detailed prompt formatting and for getting a consistent character and using it to create art for our characters along with face swapping and even getting vids/gifs from other AI with those images.

Do you use They/Them Pronouns?

I do actually. At first it was simply because I like the 'Nolan who are they' vibe. But then started to correct everyone in real life with them and now everyone uses them for me and I do as well. So yeah, all you who have been using He/Him since 2020 are hatefully misgendering bigot monsters. And I am waiting for the apologies to rain in. I apologized for misgendering Raven all those years ago but you all ignore it to this day but I won't ignore yours and like with anyone else it is owed.

How many accounts do you have?

Like............ 50+ on here. I make a new email and blog for every RP I join and I've been on a lot and only had 'drama on four, three made up drama after I left. Apparently, that count is higher. active accounts though...... well 6 for one of my groups, 4 for the other, and 1 for the three groups that aren't mine that I'm in so 13 total I believe.

The Nolanverse?

Honestly this makes me laugh. None of the people who actually know me and actually have interacted with me made that up. This comes from this new guard of players who created it and its funny especially since back in 2013 not wanting to use my real name I thought of one I could use and the Christopher Nolanverse for batman was a thing and where it came from.

#rpt #rph #rpc #rp talk #later losers

[moodywyrm]

m sorry i just need to vent somewhere </3

i just !!!!!! i feel like yelling crying doing SOMETHING idk.. my friends have continuously left me out of things and i’m too shy to actually say anything about it .. they never text or call or anything bc they’re “too busy” but then always talk about the insane facetime call that was going on that they’re so sorry i wasnt apart of!!! (:/)

nd it gets so bad over the summer or just during breaks in general, because they’re again “too busy” to hang out with me but then i see them posting all over insta about their hangouts. they did that on my birthday this year, i invited the whole group and they were all busy, then later i see that they all went out without me.

it just,, feels so awful,, and what makes it even worse is that one person in the group hates my guts for some reason?? i don’t know what i did to her, but now two others are acting like that, to the point where they’ll actually move away from me if i sit next to them

:(

I will be so real with you. drop them. they're not your friends. as someone who spent arguably too much time in highschool and my first year of college being friends with people who did this shit, they are not worth your time. being alone sucks, I get it, but so does sticking around people who don't respect you. I'm sorry honey, it really fucking blows and I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but it will be so much better for you and your mental health to get that out of your life.

#anon #moodythoughts

[dramashii]

A 2022 Recap: A run through of all the dramas I’ve seen this year

2022 is finally coming to a close. Just like any year, there were some great dramas, while there were also others that should have never left the drawing room. 

I laughed, fell in love, got frustrated, and cried many times for the past 12 months. I had some epiphanies and learned some new things (e.g. the best way to solve your problems is to live in a coastal town). 

I consider 2022 a decent drama year for me. I have managed to finish 44 dramas which helped me reached my goal of completing 300 dramas before this year ends. 

I wished I could write longer reviews about each drama but I genuinely forgot about most of them by this time of writing. Anyways, here are the 44 dramas I watched and my short commentary on them. (Disclaimer: This list is subjective. These are only my opinions based on my experience while watching these shows.)

1. Melancholia (Kdrama, 2021)

You+Me=Love. This drama made math really interesting. However, I wished this wasn't romance at all.

2. The Red Sleeve (Kdrama, 2021)

The most heartbreaking part of this drama was knowing the lead characters at some point existed in history.

3. Our Beloved Summer (Kdrama, 2021)

Everything about this show was amazing: the aesthetics, music, and the chemistry between the leads.

4. Twenty-Five Twenty-One (Kdrama, 2022)

Iconic.

5. A Business Proposal (Kdrama, 2022)

Reminded me so much of old-school romcoms therefore, I was obsessed.

6. Reset (Cdrama, 2022)

Interesting and unique time travel/time loop drama.

7. The Bad Kids (Cdrama, 2020)

Watched this for the hype but I was kind of confused at the end.

8. Soundtrack #1 (Kdrama, 2022)

Friends to lovers supremacy.

9. Shining for One Thing (Cdrama, 2022)

Tries to answer the question: "If one thing had been different, would everything be different today?"

10. Dali and the Cocky Prince (Kdrama, 2021)

Solid romcom where both leads were rich.

11. Crazy Love (Kdrama, 2022)

Everything about this drama was crazy: the leads, the side characters, the plot but I didn't like this kind of crazy.

12. You Are My Heartbeat (Thai Drama, 2022)

Expected my heartbeat to go crazy watching this, but it really didn't.

13. The Oath of Love (Cdrama, 2022)

The key takeaway from this is that Xiao Zhan looks really good in modern clothes therefore he needs to do more modern dramas.

14. Sword Snow Stride (Cdrama, 2021)

Wuxia.

15 Who Rules the World (Cdrama, 2022)

Okay but the second half went downhill. Yang Yang needs to do more costume dramas.

16. Tomorrow (Kdrama, 2022)

Too simplistic approaches to mental health.

17. A River Runs Through It (Cdrama, 2021)

The one-sided love story went on for too long.

18. Love All Play (Kdrama, 2022)

Cute but it dragged.

19. Sh**ting Stars (Kdrama, 2022)

Interesting concept of having the story set in the entertainment industry but this was boring.

20. Woo Ri the Virgin (Kdrama, 2022)

I haven't watched a drama this bad for so long.

21. Bloody Heart (KDrama, 2022)

Bloody amazing cinematography but the story dragged because they kept replaying the same scene in different angles. Rooted for the villain.

22. Kiss Sixth Sense (KDrama, 2022)

They need to cast older actors and actresses in romcoms because the chemistry here was great. I didn't really like the ending though.

23. A Dream of Splendor (Cdrama, 2022)

One of my favorites from this year!

24. Dear M (KDrama, 2022)

Waited long to see this, was disappointed in the end.

25. Link: Eat, Love, Kill (KDrama, 2022)

Incorporated too much genre in one drama that the execution failed.

26. Love Like the Galaxy (Cdrama, 2022)

Red flags everywhere the biggest one being Li Bu Yi.

27, Love Between Fairy and Devil (Cdrama, 2022)

Xianxia drama of the year!

28. Big Mouth (Kdrama, 2022)

The second half wasn't as good as the first half. The ending was awful.

29. Today’s Webtoon (KDrama, 2022)

Should have been a 12 eps drama instead.

30. Animals (Jdrama, 2022)

Short but enjoyable.

31. Love in Contract (KDrama, 2022)

Got me out of a drama slump but this was a train wreck.

32. Lighter & Princess (Cdrama, 2022)

Objectively not the best, but I was obsessed over this during its whole run that I bought a Youku subscription.

33. New Life Begins (Cdrama, 2022)

Cute.

34. Bulgasal: Immortal Souls (KDrama, 2021)

Interesting concept but the writing just didn't make it work.

35. Snowdrop (Kdrama, 2021)

Decent.

36. Cheer Up (KDrama, 2022)

Went into this thinking it will be a cute youth drama but that weird mystery-thriller and love triangle ruined my watching experience.

37. May I Help You (KDrama, 2022)

1st half>2nd Half.

38. The Day of Becoming You (Cdrama, 2021)

Good body-swapping romance drama.

39. Summer Strike (Kdrama, 2022)

I was promised healing but the last 1/4 of the drama had a different tone from the rest.

40. Love In Time (Cdrama, 2022)

Interesting concept but mediocre.

41. She and Her Perfect Husband (Cdrama, 2022)

I wished they continued to show that mature relationship the leads had in the beginning until the end, but alas the last 10 eps happened and it just wasn't it.

42. Extraordinary Attorney Woo (KDrama, 2022)

An extraordinary drama about an extraordinary lawyer trying to find her place in the world. One of the best this year!

43. Rainless Love in a Godless Land (Taiwanese Drama, 2021)

The best thing about this drama is the title. Also, very unique and thought-provoking. 

44. Alchemy of Souls Season 1 (Kdrama, 2022)

Might be the most interesting Hong sisters' fantasy drama yet. 

#drama recap #drama review #asian drama

[welcometomyweird]

The Library Is Open

I’m starting something new today. Every Tuesday, I will be posting a tarot related topic. It seems that even in the 21st century, with the the ubiquity of the internet and everyone and their cousin giving tarot a go as a side hustle, a lot of people have never had a reading, don’t know where to go and don’t know what to ask. (Where have you all been?) So, I am here to help. Let’s get started.

Where to Start

Had we been having this conversation 20 years ago, I would have directed you to the now defunct Witch Vox website and told you to look for local occult shops. But since we are now living in the 3rd decade of the 21st century, Believe it or not, a lot of readers (except for me) do have business listings and you might even be able to find a Yelp! review. However, I would advise against putting a whole lot of stock in a review because, like so many other things in life, you get out of your tarot reading what you put in. 

What Not To Do

I’m sure a lot of skeptics reading this are already rolling their eyes. Look, you don’t believe in this stuff. That’s fine. No one is telling you that you have to, but when you do go to a tarot reader, you can’t just say “Tell me what’s going to happen in my future” and expect to get something intelligible. That isn’t the “own” you think it is. It just makes you look like an asshole. It’s like going to your doctor and saying “Tell me what’s wrong with me” without telling them what your symptoms are.

Help Us Help You

As stated above, vague questions get vague answers. It’s not always skeptics attempting to debunk readers who ask vague questions. There are an awful lot of people who just don’t know what to ask. They know they want a reading, but they have no idea what information they want. Believe it or not, there are a few very popular subjects that readers commonly get asked about. Those are love, money and health. So, those are good places to start. If you do want to know something more specific, just ask. “My mom has been sick. Is she going to get better or should we be making arrangements?” (Yes, I’ve had that question.) “I feel like my partner is pulling away. Is there something going on or is it all in my head?” You get the idea. Just say what’s on your mind. 

Exceptions To The Rule

Exceptions to the “be specific” rule would be general collective readings, as done by my Twitter buddy Adam Keith (look him up on YouTube. He’s fucking amazing... and sexy as hell) and Year Ahead readings, which are what I am currently focusing on as we are down to the last few weeks of 2022. There are also so many readers who post “Daily Tarot” cards to help those seeking it set their intentions for the day. 

It’s Not Us

So, you had a reading and the news wasn’t great? Well, that’s life, Pookie. Any reader worth their sea salt is going to tell you the truth whether you want to hear it or not. I tell my first-time clients to buy a bag of M&Ms if they want sugar coating. I just did a Year Ahead reading for a friend and her cards were terrible. Even the “good” cards were just a lighter shade of black. We just interpret the messages we’re getting. We’re not trying to “pull” anything on you. In fact, the readers who are trying to pull one over on you are the ones who only ever tell you what you want to hear. If all you ever get is good news, you’re probably being lied to. 

We’re Not Doctors

We don’t even play them on TV. It shouldn’t have to be said, but sadly, it does. While I am sure there are some people out there with MDs and PhDs who also read tarot, I don’t personally know any. If you are having a physical health crisis, go to your primary care doctor or the ER. If you are having a mental health crisis, dial 998. Psychics of any variety are not replacements for these professionals. It’s not that we don’t care. We just don’t have the training and qualifications to give the help you actually need.

Que Sera, Sera

Well, not really. My father was a reader and I used to hear him tell his clients “The cards only reveal what is likely to happen based on your current patterns of behavior. They cannot tell you what will unequivocally be.” My line is “The only things truly fated in life are birth and death. Everything else is up to us. The cards just help us make better choices.” So, if you do get bad news, know that you can change the outcome by simply making different choices. I always try, whenever possible, to give my clients a road map of all the detours around the crisis so they can avoid it. There is nothing more heartbreaking for me than hearing that something I warned a client about happened as revealed in the cards. It means the client gave up. I don’t like that. Never go into a reading with a fatalistic mindset. You have choices. You always do. In the words of Captain Planet “The power is yours!” 

Alright, I think that’s enough for now. I’m sure other readers are seeing this and already drafting some scathing critique. Good for you! I don’t care. You work whatever way you want to work. I’ll work the way I want to work. This isn’t a science. It’s an art and art is subjective. Deal with it. (Like I said, no sugar coating here.) 

If anyone would like a reading from me, you can reach out to me here or email me at [email protected]. I may not get back to you right away, but know that I will get back to you. Yes, I charge, but I work cheap. 

About the image: These cards are from the Somnia Tarot by Nicolas Bruno. If you read, these cards are fantastic. If you just like tarot art, these cards are fantastic. I cannot recommend these enough. In fact, I recommended them to Adam and now he uses them. 

#nicolas bruno #somnia tarot #adam keith #tarot #tarot readers #tarot readings

[existentialintrovert]

can someone just make my decisions for me please and thank you that would be great

#do i stay at uni or do i go home #if i stay it could get better. and i could get to know this guy ive been talking to who seems nice. and could get to know the person #im sharing a flat with next year better cause we didnt talk much while we were home since christmas #and maybe get in some good parties #but if i go home i can save the money i would have put towards this terms accommodation because my uni is offering refunds if people stay ho #*home #and i can avoid the drama thats happening in the flat that i can feel brewing #and the friend who i like but know is awful for m mental health and know i should stay away from because i've been here before #and she acts exactly the same towards me as the 'friend' in school/sixth form who purposefully put others down constantly #not to mention less than half my flat are actually here because everyone else decided to just stay home instead #and im fucking fuming that i didnt get the email before i set off moving back in cause wtf i couldve avoided this predicament altogether #also ik my eating habits here are fucked up and the room feels a little suffocating cause it just reminds me of how i felt in first term #like the meals are healthy but i will often just/ forget #idk #i cant tell if im just homesick #or if i want to go hom #e #ive got till tomorrow to decide #if i want my parents help to move #the contract runs till like june 20th or something #but my course only goes to may 20th and i dont have exams cause mine is assignment based entirely #like i dont know what to do for the best yknow #basically i get really bad fomo #like really bad. and it just combines with my anxiety tofuck me up on the regular #fuck it im staying #ill only wanna know what could've happened if i;d stayed #even if i hate it i can get a train #the money is so tempting but ive got the student loan from last term luckily so i should be able touse that to cover my deposit for #next year #and like the rent cause i have no money or student loan compared to the 2 i share with