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visualtaehyun · 4 months

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2023 in review 🏳‍🌈

Tagged by the lovely @btwinlines (here) and @chickenstrangers (here) ✨ Thank you 🙏

>> Post your most popular and/or favorite edit/gifset/analysis for each month (it’s okay to skip months!)

This took a while to assemble because I first needed to track down all my original posts which are strewn across several personal tags because I didn't know at the time I established them that I'd be shitposting, getting back into giffing?? etc.

January-June

Still lurking but I took to commenting on Thai BLs on YT a lot. The thoughts needed to go somewhere but I wasn't back on tumblr yet cause I'd been mostly using it for Kpop for several years at that point. My first Thai QL related reblogs are from January 2023 though.

Fun fact: I watched Theory of Love in 2019 after stumbling across OffGun and promptly watching their entire back catalogue lol I even watched a good portion of 3 Will Be Free as it aired but fell off of Thai series entirely and I don't recall why! My only guess is that I was too into Kpop and learning Korean, nerdy proof from vocational training below lol I got back into BL in late summer 2022 via Semantic Error and from there I fell quickly!

July

popular: I only posted twice that month! Be My Favorite was one of the reasons I un-lurked and this breakdown of the pronoun talk in ep. 10 was me deciding to start sharing my vibrating-in-my-seat-about-Thai-language energy lol

honorable mentions: Wedding Plan's YiwaMarine were the original reason I stopped lurking because I wanted to make some noise for Thai GL and for this show - hence this ramble of a post was created!

August

popular: this Only Friends meme? shitpost? about Cheum being a textbook U-Haul lesbian

honorable mention: this Wedding Plan parallel edit of YiwaMarine / LomNuea / Yiwa&Lom <3 and this post about the food, tongue twister, language in Hidden Agenda ep. 5 because it exemplifies how/what I learn from Thai series and because it's the third show I ever posted about

September

popular: an analysis of how the two main couples or two sets of best friends in Naughty Babe (and Cutie Pie) talk to each other

honorable mention: this rant about how the Korean remake of Why R U?, specifically their Fighter, Tutor and Hwa adaptation, frustrated me because it makes no sense if you don't already know the Thai original and this Naughty Babe post about pronouns and names between the two families

October

popular: unsurprisingly it's this Only Friends SandRay post aka Phi Bug and Nong Rabbit

honorable mention: this was the month I finally watched La Pluie so there's a few posts where I'm basically talking to myself lol about some subbing choices, among other things. This was also when GMMTV's press con for the upcoming year happened and I got too interested in all the wordplay in the Only Boo! trailer.

November

popular: I still haven't started watching Cooking Crush (too bitter about the uncut situation tbh) but I did write up an explanation of a pun in ep. 1. And because this is the month that I almost exclusively posted about Thai GL - this Love Senior ep. 1 post with various language observations.

honorable mention: This was also the month I suddenly got back into gifmaking, something I had dabbled in throughout several past fandoms (don't- just- don't go looking lmao). Basically no one's watching Wednesday Club? -> a gifset of May as played by Piploy. There's barely a ZeeNuNew fandom to speak of on tumblr? -> a badly thought out ZNN gifset lmao. The video in question doesn't have English subs? -> Love Senior cast and director shenanigans giffed! I haven't made a single gif since btw djsjdhsj

December

popular: Pronoun changes, my beloved! Because of course the switch to พี่/น้อง /phi, nong/ in ep. 5 would get me to start rambling posting about Last Twilight lol

honorable mention: I expanded on that when I went back through ep. 1-6 to examine the entire evolution of how MorkDay speak to each other. Also wanna mention this very random post about a meme and Thai song (that I've played endlessly) and that time I hijacked @zimmbzon's doc Jim post to reply to their tags :D

A very busy year with lots of shows watched, lots of new acquaintances made on here, and a steadily growing understanding of Thai! If the utter devastation I seem to already have caused with that Rung/rainbow Last Twilight post from the other day is any indication of the year ahead, then it sure is gonna be a fun one lmao

I'm honestly not sure who has been tagged yet and who even wants to do this but some no-pressure tags: @ueasking @thegalwhorants @pharawee and, of course, if you read this and wanna play the tag too, feel free to tag me! If any mutuals have already done this, please point me towards your posts too~

#bl wrapped 2023 #bl superlatives 2023 #tag game #bella and the blorbos

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speckle-meow-meow · 2 years

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Ciel meeting his future kid that he has with his fiancé the reader like…yeah

Alright~

Fem, male, and non-bi

I don't own black butler of Y/N, also Y/N and Ciel are aged up same with Lizzy, also the kids name is August cuz its pretty

KID!?!?!

Ciel never thought he would see the day he and his lovely Y/N would be married and have kids.....

Fem:

yet here we are in this situation where he is face to face with his future kid who somehow traveled back in time, and is here confusing him and his poor wife Y/N.

Ciels POV:

"So if your our future child what are all our butlers and maids names" Y/N said, Even though everyone would know that question, "Dear everyone knows that question if they've been spying on us.."

"Your right dear..." y/n sighed

Augusts Pov:

How do I tell them that I'm their actual kid.....WAIT maybe Sebastian will know after all he knows everything. I run to Sebastian "SEBASTIAN!!!!" I run into his arms

Sebastians POV:

My eyes went wide it was August but how?! did they some how manage to get here from the future?

"Hello August, do you need something?"

"Mommy and Daddy don't believe that I'm their baby I keep trying to tell them but they don't believe me...."

well that won't do.....

3rd POV:

After Sebastian finished explaining, for August that they are your daughter they finally understand and welcomed August with open arms~

Ciels POV: "But dear how am I still alive?" I said facing August, "Well mommy threatened Sebby that if he didn't let you live she'd cut off his D-"

Y/N Cut August off "That's enough out of you little one" Y/N laughed~

Male

(Btw lizzys gonna be the surrogate of your and ciels baby and if you don't know what that means than here a woman who bears a child on behalf of a couple unable to have a child, either by artificial insemination from the man or implantation of an embryo from the woman, sorry if that made you uncomfortable)

You and ciel were shocked but not you both had a little girl named august who was from the future....

"This can't be real can it Sebastian?" asked ciel

"It can be my lord, its quite possible for this to happen especially since I'm still with you in that future" he said while pouring you tea

"Well in that case lets go August Papas goin' on a shopping spree with his baby!!!!!"

You said while running to the carriage Ciel in toe

~After the shopping spree~

"So August... how did you come to be.. you know since we can't have kids?" Ciel ask

"well daddy Aunty Lizzy volunteered to have me and you and papa took care of her while she was pregnant"

Y/N and Ciel looked at each other shocked but happy non the less they have a family and a baby they could call their own, along with supporting family and friends~

NON-BI

(Same with the male version just different pronouns)

Imma do head-canons for this one

You and ciel saw your baby while having tea with lizzy

when they just randomly popped out of no where in your lap

You all asked the child who they were and where they came from

And they said "Your my daddy and NiNi"

(NiNi is a gender-neutral parent name I picked out)

while Lizzy was distracting august you and Ciel asked Sebastian about this and he said "Its true they are from the future"

while you and Ciel were both shocked you were still happy that you had a baby and that Ciels still alive in the future~

#ciel phamtonhive #x reader #black butler x reader #FUTURE KID?!?!?!

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ransprang · 2 years

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hi, can i please get a romance Tokyo ghoul and hunterxhunter match up please?

I'm female, she/her pronouns; leo[August leo], 5'8, my favourite colour is red, short light brown hair, dark brown ayes; i have beauty marks on tip of my nose, right cheek, under my left aye and on my chin;

Likes: colour red, cats, serpents, MY cooking, my height, horror[movies, manga, anime cartoon, webtoon, etc] psychology, spicy food, books;

Dislike: dogs, sweets, math, my math teacher, romance movies[i like romance books, anime, mangas and etc i just hate romance movies]

Hobbies and interests: reading books, listening to music, drawing, watching movies/animes, working out; I'm pretty interested in horror genre, psychology, myths, legends, murder documentaries;

I'm usually chill and laid back, i am very friendly and get along with almost everyone, I don't hold grudges but i also can be a bitch [ unintentionally most of the time] I don't necessarily like kids but i enjoy playing with them [I'm not a favourite cousin for nothing] When there is a conflicting either i caused it and others are quarreling over something i said and I'm standing in the sidelines[it happened few times and it was unintentional] or I'm trying to stop the fight [ one I didn't cause]

I can be a quite bossy, I'm straight forward and blunt [ i always say my honest opinion, which usually makes me seen as a rude]in a friend group I'm what you call a mom friend [my friends usually come for me for advices, help, when they need help with homework, when creeps are bothering them, movie advices, and etc]

I see myself as a very understanding and responsible person, I'm more that happy to help friends in need, listen to their problems and do my best to help them.

I can get annoyed or angry easily but i almost never get physical, instead i verbally attack one who upset or angers me, if person I'm quarreling with is my friend i might apologize [indirectly] and stop before i say something i might regret later or if I'm quarreling with someone I'm not close with i use their insecurities against them.

I don't necessarily like lying so i only lie when i see it as a necessary [with teachers, some of the people i dislike which aren't lot]

I dislike possessive people, i prefer "pretty boys" over "handsome" ones and i have a huge hand fetish [like I'm your biggest simp if your hands are so nice and pretty] i can tolerate reserved and quiet people, people with anger issues, liars, heck i can even get along with pervert ones but i hate disrespect and degradation but that doesn't mean i appreciate too much praise and compliments either.

I don't expect my ideal partner to be perfect.

I just want him to be understanding and encouraging with me [directly or indirectly] should let me pamper them becouse i like giving gifts, presents, compliments and things like that to people i love and care; [i might stop compliments if it makes them too uncomfortable i can't day I'll stop giving them presents and thing's like that, i don't make empty promises]

My ideal partner shouldn't be controling and possessive [ if he dislikes someone i hang out with or doesn't likes something i do all he needs to do is tell me like a normal person]

My ideal partner should expect late nigt texts becouse i have insomnia and if I'm suffering from lack of sleeping so are they.[jk i wouldn't let them suffer every night]

I prefer begin one in charge in a relationship but if my partner prefers to be a dominant one i might let them dom me once or twice that's it. I rather spoon them than be spooned [is that even a word?]

If my partner has a big appetite then they are in a luck becouse i like cooking [doesn't matters if they are sweet tooth or not]

I don't really care about their height

I don't really care about gender of my partner but i prefer males;

Nsfw and NSF

hii thank you for the request!! (admin sar: your makima profile picture really suits you btw)

we hope you like your match ups!!

your tokyo ghoul match up is............Shuu Tsukiyama!!

SFW

He's your perfect pretty boy...maybe even handsome.

We've seen close up shots of his hands in the anime, best believe his hands are strong and sexy for your fetish.

Oh boy! Let's not get started on his appetite. This man can eat. Have you seen him thirst after Kaneki? Well he will eat everything you cook (if it's edible for a ghoul that is :))

He's got sophisticated interests, he likes classical music, tasteful movies. You best believe he keeps fit.

He will listen to you talk about all your horror stories, indulge you in all your interesting facts. He may even share scary stories as a ghoul.

This man is nothing but straightforward, he is blunt and is a total boss. So he will understand your personality and you two can be boss bitches together.

Hes old and responsible. He will look after you and scout for food for you too, but only the most exquisite one.

He would murder but not get physical, so he can appreciate someone with similar virtues.

Pamper him all you want, give him everything in the world this flamboyant ghoul will it all!!

nsfw & hxh match up is under the cut

N/SFW

You can dom his flamboyant ass any day. Hes gonna be such a switch, he will instantly lay down for you to do your thang.

He likes getting spooned as much as he likes spooning. Hes would love to feel the warmth of a loved one against him in any form. Especially if you wanna cuddle his rock hard abs.

He is gonna be your little brat, he will love to defy you and go against you. Watching you be his brat tamer will turn him on to the max.

Get ready to food play in the bed room you can lay him down with food on his nethers and eat it off him. This man is gonna cum so hard.

your hxh match up is............Beans!!

SFW

Beans would lap up anything you cook. Even the most spiciest food such as yourself of course *wink*. I mean hes a bean himself after all.

Hes such a simp he will eat cat food if you offer him that.

Your favourite colour is red? well hell, Beans is gonna dye himself red for you. Hes green anyways so a little red change gonna hurt no one.

Bean will sit there quietly with a very small smile on his face and listen to you speak about psychology, murder documentaries and other scary stuff with a twinkle in his eye getting mesmerised by watching you talk.

After Netero is gone beans is gonna have to be bossy and straight forward and that can get your boat floating.

Beans is a bean. He understand the importance of respect and hence he wont be possessive. Instead he will respect you and your space.

Beans is a simp so he will stay up all night accompanying you through your insomnia. He will instantly reply to your texts keeping you entertained. Plus hes used to getting overworked by that lil bitch Netero.

Throw Beans in a group of kids (your cousins) and watch him get harassed.

N/SFW

don't underestimate this man

Why do you think Beans wears gloves? To protect those sexy hands of his. he keeps his fingers safe to finger you. He will even slap you with his glove if you ask him.

Eat him out, and he will instantly relieve your constipation. cuz hes a bean? get it?

After meeting you he will understand those black dots on your face are more than just marks in your beauty. They are a part of you. Beans isnt familiar with the concept i mean have you seen his skin?

He wears cute red lingerie under that sexy suit just for you ;)

your pretty girls,

admins sav & sar

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trutimeline · 3 years

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idislikecispeople, The Most Infamous Dyscourse Blogger: Part 1.0, Rumors

idislikecispeople, also known as many names throughout her time on Tumblr (such as Adele, Kat, Mami, Samantha and Sayaka), was a former Tumblr blogger who became infamous for coining the term "tucute", among many other controversial things she has posted on her blogs. This was supposed to be one, very long masterpost about her, but Tumblr's post editor is a bitch and won't let me do that.

In this post, I'll be debunking or confirming rumors commonly spread about idislikecispeople. The rest of my posts about her will each be dedicated to a specific controversial belief she held or situations she got into. For simplicity's sake, I'll be referring to idislikecispeople as Kat for the rest of this post and future ones.

Rumors

Kat Coined the Terms "Truscum" and "Tucute"

Verdict: Partially True

Kat coined the term tucute, but she did not coin the terms truscum or transmedicalist.

Here's a screenshot of Kat's original definition of a tucute:

Transcript:

What is Tucute?

What does tucute mean?

Tucute is basically just the opposite of truscum, it’s a term and community for trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis individuals created to separate anti-truscum from truscum and to serve as a safe place from truscum and from cis people, where they believe that being trans requires dysphoria, we do not,where they think that being trans is a medical condition, we do not,and where they deny numerous gender identities on the basis that it “discredits the trans community” we do not.

What are the prerequisites to be a part of the tucute community?

You have to be trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis in general

You have to accept all pronouns and gender identities

You haveto believe that dysphoria is not necessary to be trans

You have to dislike truscum

You cannot side with truscum or believe in their ideology

You cannot misgender anyone no matter how mad they make you

You cannot be an ableist whatsoever

Did you invent the tucute community? Why?

I indeed did coin the tucute term and community and anyone who says otherwise are creeps who are trying to steal it from me and redefine it for their own nefarious doings. I started this community so anti-truscum could separate themselves from truscum and cis people who are a part of the truscum community, it serves as a safe space from both truscum and cis people.

I’m cis, can I be tucute if I believe in your movement and want to help?

No, you can’t be tucute if you’re cis, you can only be a tucute ally, and you need to be sure to never speak for or over a trans person.

I see a lot of tucuties being just as harmful as truscum, what will you do about it?

There isn’t much I can do to them other than ask them to stop aligning with the tucute community, and of course, that doesn’t mean they will. Also be noted that truscum and cis people will pretend to be tucute just to tarnish the name of the tucute community, so tread lightly, you might be talking to a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Spread the word, use the tag #tucute and join the army today!

[A digital drawing of Sayaka Miki from Puella Magi Madoka Magica in her magical girl form, with a banner underneath her reading "Tucute 4 U!"]

(source) (source)

Kat Was a Cisgender Woman Who Lied About Being a Transgender Woman

Verdict: False

This rumor primarily comes from a post on Kat's oldest known Tumblr blog, chromaghost, where she claims that she wasn't MTF and only tagged a selfie as such because she thought that transgender people were "cool".

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: are you a mtf? i seen it tagged on one of your photos.

No lol. I wanted to post it to the tag because transgender people are cool :3

(source) (source) (source)

However, Kat addressed this post and made it clear she very much was a transgender woman multiple times on her later blogs. This claim can also be confirmed with nude photos Kat posted online, which I don't feel comfortable spreading, so you'll just have to trust me on that one. I also don't feel comfortable directly encouraging you to go and dig up those nudes, as most of her nude photos were either taken when she was a minor, spread without her consent and/or were uploaded because people pressured her into posting nudes to "prove" she was a transgender woman.

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: you bound with ace bandage in one of your selfies. i don't know what to think about you anymore. according to some people you're a 27 year old cis woman scamming us, but you say you're a 22 year old trans woman. i want to trust you but i don't know if i can. i'm sorry.

Rest assured I’m not 27 years old lol. What you’re referring to is a less than graceful ~art piece~ we did (”Playing a Boy” or something) on deviantART when we were 16/17 (?) and really ill-informed. I ask you to not take that as how I stand currently – as I have learned so much more since, and I have a penis and I was designated male at birth because of it (feel free to purchase a passcode to our nsfw blog to see for yourself). At the time we were developing breast tissue but still had to appear as a ‘boy.’ Don’t bind with Ace bandages, kids, it can damage your rib cage, something we didn’t know at the time.

(source) (source)

Transcript:

[A picture of two prescriptions, estradiol and spironolactone, both prescribed to Adele Sheffield.]

grandtran still gonna think I photoshopped it or what

(source)

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: In other words, you aren't gonna cough up the pics because you know you can't fake that shit because you're actually cis. Cool. BTW why do you keep changing your story about the blog, and if the blog was run by you when you were in denial about being trans because of self hate, why were the pics tagged mtf and you were constantly saying trans people were cool?

Yeah I’m not gonna do something for y’all and get nothing in return except more doubt from you, you see how one sided that kind of request is? Also its technically considered sexual harassment, just because its on the internet, you’re a coward (whats your username btw?), and you think I’m cis and you want me to prove time and time again to you that I’m dmab doesn’t justify sexually soliciting someone when they’re not comfortable in being solicited – for free no less.

At first I genuinely had no memory of that blog, it was only active for all of 2 months and for some reason I moved onto a new email and new tumblr, and I haven’t the foggiest why. As for the whole “me claiming to not be ~mtf~” I don’t have any memories from that time, I can only assume it was a lot of dysphoria fueled self-hatred and wanting to be seen/pass as a cis girl lesbian.

If you’re really gonna solicit nudes from a trans woman (a second time) as they do sex work to try and stay on their feet without offering anything in return just so your transmisogynistic ass can get off to trying to tell me my dick is fake isn’t classy at all. I perish the thought of what you’re parents would think of this behavior from you. But yeah, feel free to send some money to my paypal so I can get the gender markers on my records changed because that’s gonna cost a lot apparently, and I’ll definitely send you the dick pics you want. :)

(source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

[A picture of a a hospital bracelet on Kat's wrist. The patient's name is Adele Sheffield and her sex is labeled as "M".]

(source)

Kat Lied About Having Diabetes To Get Money From Tumblr Users

Verdict: False

This doesn't need much commentary from me, just view the screenshots below.

Transcript:

To the people who keep harping on me buying a $15 video game for my mental health 7 MONTHS ago “with my donation money,” well, here you go, some proof, links and screenshots provided

So for everyone spreading misinformation about me spending $15 on a video game for my mental health, here’s a full list of reasons why there is no way, shape, or form I spent my paypal money on it:

Yes, I spent $15 of my own money after selling one of my possessions, not denying it:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she shows off a copy of Fall Out: New Vegas, marked with a price of $14.99. The date of the post is marked as July 21, 2014 at 06:28.39 PM.]

Be sure to look at the date, July 21st, 2014 6:28 PM. Now lets look at my first donation post asking for help:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she asks for donations to be able to afford insulin because she has no insurance. The date of the post is marked as July 20, 2014 at 08:14.00 PM.]

Hmm, one day before the purchase of said game, July 20th 2014 at 8:14 PM. Now, I’ve never heard of a video game store — much less a non-chain video game store accepting payment for video games in the form of virtual Amazon gift cards, have you? Oh, but you’re gonna say, “well you bought the game with your paypal donations anyway!” Well, here’s exhibit C:

[Another screenshot of a separate post made by Kat where she is also asking for donations to be able to afford insulin. The date of the post is marked as July 23, 2014 at 12:27.46 PM.]

Again, looking at the date of this posting which is the original donations post, you can see it was posted on July 23rd, 2014 at 12:27 PM, a full 2 days after I had bought the game. Now, if there’s no way for me to use Amazon gift cards for a real life video game store, then how can I go back in time a minimum of 2 full days to give past me $15 to buy said game, hm? This isn’t even accounting for the fact that I didn’t even have my own bank account associated with it until over a week later, and it surely doesn’t account for the fact that it takes up to 5 days to transfer from paypal to your bank account. All the dates are linked to the original unedited posts so you can see for yourself, and for added measure my first deposit was on August 14th, 2014:

[A screenshot of a deposit made by Kat. The date is marked as 08/14/14.]

Oh but yeah, anti-sjs, truscum, and the like took damniwishidthoughtofabettername’s postthey used to gaslight us with misinformation and you all bought it. Tell me how I could misuse donations that I could not use outside of Amazon and money I didn’t even start receiving until a full two days later, let alone the fact that there’s no way I could have transferred said money and used it two days prior as of the date of the paypal donations post.

I hope some of y’all could reblog this and get the word out, I’m sick and tired of people buying into that misinformation that person did solely to gaslight me as a means to try and disrupt my donations drive.

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

[A selfie of Kat holding up a vial of Novolin to the camera.]

Hey anon, I don’t feel comfy giving you my receipts (because doxxing is a thing) but here you go, a selfie with my most recent insulin purchase. 👽

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: Getting desperate for money again I see. How is your fake diabetes lately. I bet your blood sugar is like 800 this time and you're still able to be alive somehow.

You got me, I’m ~totally faking~

[A selfie of Kat. In the background several items used by diabetics are seen such as insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.]

[A picture that gives us a closer look at the background of the previous selfie.]

[A selfie of Kat holding up two vials, one of Lantus and the other of Humalog.]

Gee, must be one dedicated faker, right? To have hundreds of dollars of insulin equipment and insulin itself. Hmmm… Insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.. oh and insulin, hmmmm….

Oh and because you didn’t learn from last time you don’t die instantly when your blood sugar goes over 600 lol, something anyone who studies endocrinology can tell you, and I would know, being a diabetic, having to be hospitalized numerous times for ketoacidosis where the blood sugar has been too high for too long. Things you clearly do not know and you’re just jumping on the disableist bandwagon. I have an idea of who you are anyway, just doing this for future reference.

(source)

#idislikecispeople #dyscourse #transmed #truscum #tucute

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sp00kybitme · 3 years

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Okay so this is really personal but I feel like I need to share it in order to better my health because being upfront about your trauma is a good way to heal from it. So buckle up because this post is gonna be a real doozy:

So let's start by backing up about 4 years ago in the summer of 2017, I was 17 since my birthday follows the year number and I was going through my own personal turmoil, dealing with my already medically diagnosed PTSD, OCD, Anxiety disorder, and severe depression. I had falling outs with most all of my irl friends due to my declining mental health but the decline started around august as my therapist who worked the best for me was leaving the clinic. She was openly queer and I related a lot to her since I felt like for once I wasn't alone yet after she left I was distraught. Also at the time I had a falling out with my father and my brother was a recovering drug addict so you could say shit was really complicated around that time and my head space was not well.

So back in 2016 I was able to get a PS4 and I hadn't used it until 2017 due to being more focused on my mental health but I caved and began playing Overwatch and there I met some folks who made life seem somewhat normal for once, no high end conflict, no drama, just simple fun with friends is all I wanted and for a while I actually had that! That was until the coming month september.

So September was when I started breaking off from big friend groups and settled with 2 people, let's call them Z and J for context, So Z was someone who I would say had undiagnosed mental health issues and J was someone who was mutual friends with Z because they went to high school together. Z and J were some of my only friends and we as people really bonded over stuff and I felt like life was actually turning up after losing so much shit that year.

So just for preface/context: at this time I identified with she/her pronouns and went by the term pansexual/demiromantic but now after much time I identify with they/them pronouns and am at least asexual, as for romantic I'm still figuring that out. So November rolled around and I noticed conflict immediately, Z and J were subtly arguing and J was using a victim complex mentality to guilt Z into caving yet at the time I was an oblivious 17 year old who was just desperate was friendship to the point of trying to always be a mediator.

Z was always talking about how lonely they were and how every relationship they had never worked out and at the time I was not out about not being cisgender and so they perceived me as a girl. Throughout September to november they would CONSTANTLY ask me out to the point of it being a desperation and a guilt trip and at this point I was afraid. I had lost EVERYONE in my life here and it was so frustrating but for a month I would keep my boundaries up and say no because I genuinely wasn't interested in a relationship and I didnt feel taht way about Z but they continued to push me and eventually I gave in and I remember the exact place it happened.

So we all 3 had a daily routine of getting on and playing Overwatch for hours just to talk shit and goof around so that day we were skirmishing on the "Temple of anubis" map and I said yes and in retrospect it was a horrible time to do that because it was in front of J and in turn made them feel loke a 3rd wheel. I wanna say that me conceding into a relationship while having no attractiom or interest was wrong of me and that I apologize for but again I WAS pressured as a minor. Also I forgot to say that Z was 19 and while that kind of age gap isn't inherently the worst, I was still an emotionally vulnerable minor being coaxed into a relationship.

So things went on relatively the same except for the fact that J was beginning to sound more spiteful and ended up getting upset easier and volatile which I blamed myself for but we'll get more into J very soon. So Z and I were noticing the change in behavior but tried not to bother J with it because they always didn't wanna talk about it. J confided in us at one point by telling us about their living situation being troublesome, they claimed they had no privacy, were verbally abused by their mother, and had relatives who were also abusive. We both had empathy for J and I was strongly affected by that since I had a strong disconnect from my father at the time who was abusive in a religious way.

We tried to keep things relatively normal at this point for the sake of J but Z was always trying to be bluntly romantic with me and I wasn't interested although they did ask me for "thigh pics" (lemme preface by saying I was still a minor at this point) but I was coaxed into that and virtual s*x which I was extremely uncomfortable with but Z had a strong tendency to victimize and guilt trip and I just wanted friends and had PTSD from friends levaing me and calling me selfish. It's not something I'm proud of but I genuinely was THAT scared of losing friends. In instances where J would get spiteful and resent Z, J at one point left our group chat and group and didnt reply to us because they attempted s*icide. We were HORRIFIED to find that out and really tried to keep a close eye on J into the new year.

2018 rolls in and now is the year that I consider my worst, I will TW// onward for talks of verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, talks of s*xual assault, s*icide, homophobia, and gaslighting. So after J's s*icide attempt I felt even WORSE in a relationship that itself was already one sided but I powered through as to not upset Z. The friendship dynamic we had at this point was gone as it only seemed to be arguing and fake excitement. One thing we all did in the game was idolize specific characters and obsess over them for mental comfort to the point that we got emotionally distraught over their deaths in game, genuinely very unhealthy for all of us. One thing J would do at times was purposefully pick me and Z's characters in game in commit s*icide in game with them just to upset us and would sometimes mentally torture Z by forcing them to be the character Z hated which only screwed up Z's Mental health. J would also alwsys victimize and act like they weren't being treated fairly and that all culminated in January.

January 2018, J began putting the thought of a polyamorus relationship on the table as in J, Z, and I would all be in a relationship together which I wasn't too keen on but was open to if it made everyone happy. Z wasnt interested at all and for the span of 2 weeks of January, J kept trying to manipulate and coax Z into a relationship and had me try to convince Z as well which I didn't know was wrong but granted I didn't understand Poly relationships until years later. Z eventually half caved and gave it a try but a day later Z backed out because they felt uncomfortable. I was a bit irritated at that time and so was J but I didn't personally know why because I was very oblivious to love and how it was supposed to be. We also would play 1v1 type games for fun until this time because both of them were seriously bothered by losing in 1v1 games and would gloat when they won. I personally didn't care as much and would joke around for the most part just to have fun. After this month we stopped playing 1v1 type games.

Early February came and we all began hanging out in skirmish (which means like a map where you just freeroam for 30 minutes until it refreshes), sometimes we would do ship dynamics with each other for fun and at the time we were joking around. Me and J joked around about two male characters (Junkrat and Roadhog) being together and if you have seen the two characters then you'll know why. Their dynamic as friends is flawed but a popular one yet nonetheless I liked their dynamic as a relationship at the time. Around this time, Z was beginning to do what I would call "selective homophobia" as in they would like some gay ships and despise others. When Z was presented with a WLW (lesbian) ship, they would be 100% supportive yet when a specific MLM (gay) ship was presented, they would make gagging noises as if they were trying to throw up. I should also mention how often Z would send Overwatch porn to group chats and how it made me incredibly uncomfortable, especially as a minor.

J would ultimately hold the blatant homophobia against Z and tried to turn me again Z for it. During this time, J was messaging me privately to try and convince me that Z was a bad person and that I should break up with them. Ultimately I agreed and broke up with Z over this and me and J distanced myself from Z to just hang out together. I was personally distraught in just finding out that a friend I was close to ended up being Homophobic all this time and emotionally it broke me a lot. At the time, J was there to help me emotionally and that initially helped me build trust with them. Eventually in mid February they asked me out and since they had helped me so much mentally, I felt out of a sense of obligation that being with them was something I almost owed them.

Side note: I wanna bring up this point as just a weird coincidence: February itself has always been one of the worst months for me every year, something horrendous has happened to me each February of each year and its weird because of how often I can recall this still being the case.

So After being around J for so long we started to just joke around and have fun as friends. They actually showed me their face for the first time over a video call which actually surprised me because they looked different then I thought they were but nonetheless I enjoyed their company because I felt like I had a friend. March rolled around and my birthday was coming up, my 18th birthday which was more of a big deal to J than me. They wanted to see me in provocative pictures and were constantly talking about how excited they were for it and I didn't understand why really. They were also 19 btw and they seemed way too excited for something as simple as that kind of picture. The day rolled around and I felt uncomfortable, I was told to send pictures and I did which admittedly made me uncomfortable as hell yet I still did and I was given positive affirmation for it. Little fact about me is that one thing I didn't get much growing up was positive affirmation so getting that made me feel like I was actually doing something right for once.

Over the next few months, J went from supportive and well intent to showing their true colors. As time went on they began to get more and more controlling with the things that I did as an individual. It went from supoorting the fact that I struggled with PTSD to using it as a reason that I shouldn't be making other friends besides them. From being supportive of my open mindedness with sexuality to coaxing me into spewing hateful rhetoric. Their family was actually really supportive of me at first, the thibg they had said about their mom turned out to be a lie used to play on my sympathy because their mom adored me as a person and constantly would ask if me and my mom needed anything. They sent us two big care packages through the mail with food and money for food and I originally was against that not just because I'm genuinely horrible at taking gifts but because they had my physical address and knew where I lived in case they wanted to "visit". The care packages meant a lot to me and my mom because we've been low income since I was little and having the luxury to live in a house or not have to worry about food consumption was something I never had.

During late spring, J began to be a lot more forceful with me by manipulating and gaslighting me into thinking many toxic things. I was afraid at this point of both J and being alone again. They would tell me that I should start acting more feminine and "like a girl" and that was REALLY triggering to me since over a big part of my life, I was questioning my gender identity and being forced into this feminine box made me hate myself. They would tell me to wear "panties", talk higher pitched, and even tell me to be a submissive partner who just lets them lead and me follow. I'm naturally a more dominant person in general so it was like I was disregarding a huge part of my identity. I was almost silenced into this role that J wanted me to be. They would force me to do lewd things online and while you could say that I shouldn't have been worried since it wasn't irl, they knew my address and last name.

One instance I remember was that J asked about my deadname and I told them and then questioned why I would change that name since it "was more feminine and fit me". It was upsetting to hear that but at least they didn't deadname me after finding out. They also kept telling me that I wasnt allowed to be attracted to anyone but them. I wasn't allowed to protest because they would threaten killing themselves and actually send a picture of them with a knife to their throat as if to threaten me.

A detail I left out intentionally was something that disturbed me the most about them and really makes me think they have a serious form of some kind of dissociative mental disorder. (Context: I'm not stigmatizing folks who have Dissociative disorders, my mother has one and the symptoms J exhibited make me think of someone who experiences detachment or disillusionment. Im not going to diagnose them but my instinct makes me believe that it could be something similar yet they have never been medically diagnosed.) J would constantly talk about a friend they had in elementary school who had taken their own life and how the spirit of this friend still keeps near them since they were close back then. This friend almost seemed to become a way to manipulate me later on in 2018.

This friend of theirs almost seemed to be a way to seperate themselves from how they treated me or avoid blame. This friend would threaten me that if I didn't let J r*pe me that they were gonna commit s*icide and that it would be my fault for not doing what they wanted. They also would threaten me to do what J said or else they would "possess" me. I'm someone who has had bad experiences with spirits so I didn't want to have more hell. J themselves would sometimes get extremely angry when I stood up for myself or expressed stuff I was really interested in and would threaten to track me down, assault me, and kill my mom. They also began pitting me against my mom because I would talk about how my mom was getting worried about me being hurt but J said that my mom was faking it and manipulating me and I almost believed J but I know my mom and I know she cares too much about me to do something like that.

Around September, I was practically an emotionless shell. I wasn't excited about anything, I wasn't angry anymore, I was barely feeling much of anything but a deep seeded sadness. I lacked in a lot of places and repressed any emotion I had so deep that I couldn't react to anything anymore. I think J began to notice because they started to actually act concerned after a while but that was flickering like a light switch. One of the last instances that I broke down was august of 2018 when I began crying heavily over microphone and begging them to not hate me. They had no reaction, no remorse , no empathy and when their mom came in they just left me there crying without affirming me at all.

During this time, I was sending hundreds of nude photos a day to appease them and they would get off and go to sleep and during the night I would secretly cry and look at queer based things in private to try and keep some semblance of my identity in tact. I actually started watching Sanders sides around July 2018 and enjoyed the series and how nice the fanbase seemed and it somehow helped me get through this rough period of time.

October was probably some of the worst time because I ended up missing my favorite holiday, Halloween which was the only time I personally enjoyed being myself because the element of the holiday made me happy. That halloween I spent on overwatch with J, overall miserable and hating myself. I also forgot to mention that J would dictate what I wore, they would hate that I wore boxer briefs and men's cologne and deodorant, they constantly questioned why I was trying to be masculine when I was AFAB but again I was also closeted with my gender identity and this shoved me even more into the closet when they would argue with me about it.

November rolled around and I had practically been at my breaking point, J was trying to convince me for weeks to move down south to live with them and their family and I was practically being forced. I have a fear of flying and I kept saying that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my disabled mom by herself and my mom also hates flying. J was trying to get things their way and forced me too and I was looking into flights even though I was deadset on not going. November 11th 2018, I wasn't replying to J's texts right away because I was actually standing up for myself. They began HEAVILY threatening to end their life and I remember sitting there and crying without emotion then I hung up on them and told them to stop calling and texting me as they had begun to text and call me incessantly. I said I needed a break and finally let out a breath when they said ok.

Around late November, I felt as though I had misjudged Z and unblocked and messaged them, apologizing for being a dick to them. They initially forgave me and I was just going to move on but they asked if we could play in a public chill server and I accepted just to try and get my mind off of J. As we entered into the game, J suddenly started spectating and Z left instantly out of fear. I only talked to Z just to apologize and give context as to what happened, I was desensitized and just needed a friend. J messaged me apologizing frantically and saying "if you've moved on to date Z, just tell me so I can move on" and I said "no, I just needed a friend right now and I need my space. Don't talk to me for a while, respect that one thing." And thankfully, I was actually left alone.

December rolled around once again and at this point I had finally blocked J and moved on from everything, J's mom had messaged me on Facebook and told me that I was a "filthy cheater who just used J for their kindess and didn't care about them" but I did actually genuinely care deeply about J yet he abused my compassion by gaslighting me and putting me into this false sense of security. Before I could reply, she blocked me so she never actually took the time to ask me. I was feeling guilty for leaving J but I was reassured by Z during that time period and Z had apologised for previous comments as well. Z ended up introducing another friend to the group, we'll call them A. We would first play Overwatch but immediately switch to Minecraft which I had bought when still with J to play with their family. Around this time I had begun to cling to Z uninitentionally due to recovering from my trauma and needing that affirmation that I wasn't some terrible abuser, as J had manipulated me to think I was. Z was getting a bit bothered by this yet they had never publicly told me nor did they understand why I clung to them in the first place. Z knew I had PTSD and I had told them exactly what I had just described earlier about what J had done to me and Z was initially very empathetic though I was never told that my clinginess was bothering them because I was in recovery mode. Eventually towards the end of January, I was told by A that they knew why I was so clingy with Z. At first I was confused because they both had known that I had PTSD but A proceed. "The only reason you're so clingy with Z is because you're secretly still in love with them, I can read you like an open book and you would do best to stop denying your obvious feelings for them" Hearing this made me personally disgusted, appalled, and upset mentally. Z kept to the side during this discussion and didn't go against A however they didn't deny A's words.

I retorted by speaking about my trauma and how it made me cling to people unnecessarily but then A proceeded to invalidate my trauma by implying that I was over exaggerating what I had gone through. I felt awful and I forcefully distanced myself from them both only to go back once again out of fear of being alone. This continued for a while until July 10th, 2019 when I finally distanced myself from Z for good. I made my own account on Instagram and over the span of 2 years, I built up a community of people who liked my work and I got my sense of individualism back give or take. I recently changed accounts because this era in my life is brand new and I couldn't be happier with where I'm at.

This post is more so a form of being vulnerable and a bit of exposure therapy. Sure im not a perfect person, I can't even publicly out my abusers but I think it would do more harm than good. If anyone wants to have a warning for their accounts, at least on YouTube, message me on my Insta in my bio. I'm sorry if this was long and possibly upsetting but I wanted to just get this out. I dont know who would be seeing this but if you read this far: thank you, honestly its upsetting to have to go through so much bullshit and I hate talking about it because it's difficult to really put shit out there without feeling like its some tupe of attention thing. I don't want to post this for sympathy, I want to post this for me, just to feel better about where I'm at and also face my trauma head on to heal from it. I'm not saying this to compare who's life is worse or not but I am posting this to better myself.

Thank you again,

Spooky

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pwarkluv · 3 years

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welcome to my blog ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ━ 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐞

hi friends! my name is bee and welcome to my tumblr page/blog thingy :) my pronouns are she/her btw! anyways this is where i post random kpop related things such as fanfics + oneshots i wrote!

my ult groups are bts, stray kids, and nct but i also stan other groups like twice, (g)-idle, ateez, exo, red velvet, blackpink, and other groups/soloists.

my ult biases are min yoongi (bts), yang jeongin (skz), and park jisung (nct)

this is gonna be a bit long so i apologize. it’s mainly about me and my story as a kpop stan but if you don’t care about that then you can stop reading from here! i love you <3

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ━ 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐢 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐤𝐩𝐨𝐩 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧

i’ve been a kpop stan since late august of 2018, around the time idol was released! bts is my first group :)

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ━ 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐢 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐲

back then i kinda knew bts cause of fake love (i’m so sorry but it’s fakeu love~) but i was never fully into them. what sparked my interest with bts was when i watched a shane dawson conspiracy video (tHIS WAS 3 YEARS AGO DON’T ATTACK ME) and he talked about how kpop stars are worked to the max. i remember seeing bts there and i was like dang they must really love their fans. next thing i knew i was searching them up on youtube and idol popped up. i was iMMEDIATELY hooked with the beat and after reading the lyrics i fell in love. bts’s lyrics are very relatable as you all know. they talk about the school system and how adults push kids beyond their limit. they talk about finding yourself and knowing your worth. 2!3! is one of my comfort songs, the song i listen to when i have mental breakdowns and cry, because like namjoon said, we can’t always walk on flowery roads or say nothing bad will ever happen to us. but we can always hope for better days. and when they sing 2, 3 i always sing back as if a way to lift up my hopes.

i kid you not, if i’m sad i just search up bts memes on youtube and please. why was i even sad in the first place. i owe all seven of them so much, i have no way i could ever repay or give them thanks.

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ━ 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐢 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐲

for stray kids, i was pretty much a new kpoppie and didn’t know any other groups besides bts. around september 2018 i decided i wanted to get into more groups so my uncultured butt searched up kpop groups like bts. there it was when i found stray kid’s my pace. changbin’s intro caught my attention and once again their lyrics were so relatable. the more i looked into their lyrics the more i felt the urge to stan. they talk about such relatable and common issues in the youth today like being scared to grow up, not knowing who we are and what we’re doing here, the voices and losing sleep. and don’t get me started on chan’s room. chan is babie and his vlives always make me feel like i’m on a call with a friend who deeply cares about me. stray kids have always shined a light so don’t sleep on them or else i’ll eat ur toes >:(

‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ━ 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐢 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐚 𝐧𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐳𝐞𝐧

it was around december during the nct 2018 promotions when i first saw black on black. it was the next video after this one kpop thing i watched (i don’t really remember which one it was) and i was like eh i don’t know who they are but i’ll give it a listen. and when i say i was cAPTIVATED. good grief black on black is such a good song.

but anyways i was hooked the moment i saw center jisung and i was like i NEED to figure out who that was and this group. of course i went on youtube to try and figure out jisung’s name and before i knew it, i fell into the nct hole :P

NOW THAT IT’S NCT 2020 THERE ARE A LOT OF NEW CHANGES BUT I STILL LOVE THEM ALL BEYOND WORDS. jisungie is still my bias to this day but jaehyun, renjun, doyoung, and sicheng are really making it hard for me to stay loyal :’)

anyways please stan nct they’re SO chaotic but even more talented! don’t overlook them because of their size in members <3

ANYWAYS THANK YOU ALL FOR READING THROUGH THIS IF YOU’VE MADE IT THIS FAR! i hope this account will be a fun place for you! i love youuu

bee is out~

#kpop #bts #bangtan #bangtan sonyeondan #stray kids #skz #min yoongi #suga #yang jeongin #i.n #about me #first post #get to know the blogger #get to know me #i love you #nct #nec culture technology #jisung #park jisung

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quinnokubo · 4 years

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VESTAHQS TASK #001: Quinn Okubo

GENERAL STATS

BASIC INFO:

Name: Quinn Okubo

Pronunciation: kuh-win oh-k-OO-b-oh

Nickname(s): Queen, Q, Quinnie

Age: 25

Date and place of birth: August 13th, 1995 in Austin, TX

Astrological sign: leo

Gender: cis-female

Pronouns: she/her

Nationality: American

Ethnicity: Japanese

Occupation: e-sports player/streamer

Education: high school graduate

Religious beliefs: agnostic

THE PHYSICAL:

Height: 5’5

Weight: 125

Body Type: fit

Hair: black

Eyes: brown

Clothing Preferences: jeans, crop tops, hoodies, cut off shorts, bustier top

Defining Features: beautiful big brown eyes, high cheekbones and her lips

Voice Tone: modulated when she’s having a normal conversation, honeyed when she’s trying to get what she wants and stentorian when she’s angry/excited.

Blood-Type: B-

Allergies: fish, penicillin

ROMANCE:

Sexual Orientation: homosexual

Romantic Orientation: homoromantic

Do they have a type: Yes – she typically prefers her women to be the complete opposite of herself: sweet, patient while not afraid to tear into her if she deserves to be taken down a notch. that isn’t to say that she doesn’t entirely enjoy women with attitude, there’ll probably be more fights btw them.

Pet peeves: people who don’t clean up after themselves, guys who purposely speak over women, people who don’t value hygiene, know it all's

PERSONALITY:

Likes: pink/black, folk, alternative and r&b music, gymnastics, dancing, playing video games, orange chicken, burgers and fries.

Dislikes: fakes, passive aggressiveness, seafood, ppl who don’t know when to shut up, pushovers, doing taxes, seafood.

Ambivert, introvert or extrovert?: ambivert.

FAMILY:

Siblings: n/a

Birth order: -

Parents: Ren and Jocelyn Okubo.

Children: n/a

Do they want kids: quinn hasn’t really given this any thought. besides, she’d prefer to at least have a successful relationship first. she does want a cat and dog, though.

SKILLS:

What language(s) do they speak: english, a little espanol and japanese.

What are they talented at: gymnastics, cooking, good game sense and strategy

What is a hidden talent no one knows of: she taught herself how to play five finger fillet out of boredom.

What are they worst at: being empathetic, swimming, math and throwing out clothes that no longer fit.

A DEEPER LOOK:

WHAT IS THEIR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR FAMILY LIKE?:

it used to be that she was close with her parent, she truly grew up believing that they loved her unconditionally. they spoiled her, gave her everything she wanted and needed but they also instilled in her a sense of responsibility and determination to pave her own way in life. Unfortunately, ever since she came out to them – they haven’t spoken. she also hasn’t spoken to her grandparents, aunts and uncles for some time...Quinn just figures that they’ve all been told via her parents. one family member she is close to, however, is her cousin from her dad’s side – they attended pride together last year when he came up to visit.

DESCRIBE THEIR PERSONALITY:

Quinn is a bitch, that’s the most obvious thing about her – she doesn’t hide it and she doesn’t want to. Don't be surprised if she ever laughs at your expense. she has the kind of personality that hits hard and if other people can’t take it then they can leave, it’d be a waste of time for them to stay. a huge part of why she is the way she is is that she grew up in such a competitive world – how else could she climb to the top without being ruthless? while she has a lot of pride in herself, she has been trying to balance herself out because, unfortunately, there are times when it gets in the way. Her determination/motivation to always be the best has brought her much success in her life.

Even though she’s been able to overcome obstacles such as not being accepted by her parents and recovering from the injury she sustained while in an All Cheer competition during her senior year(knee fracture) - she hasn’t been nearly successful at staying in serious relationships so a side of Quinn that is rarely seen is that she’s very touchy feely. she enjoys physical affection, her bold personality comes out JUST as much when she’s with a girl she likes. the fact that she loves attention definitely goes hand In hand with this.

ARE THEY HAPPY WHERE THEY ARE IN LIFE:

honestly? Quinn is happy right now – she knows there’s a lot in her life that she needs to work on like being an overall better person(despite what her ego usually tells her) but she’s been making a living on her own while being true to herself. Hiding her sexuality contributed to her depression immensely in her teen years – she felt like such a hypocrite for coming after people for being so fake when she was guilty of that as well.

WHAT IS THEIR DREAM:

Quinn doesn’t really have a set dream right now because she feels as though she’s living her dream but she does have goals and milestones she wishes to surpass – she hopes that, one day, her parents will reach out to her, wanting to repair their relationship with her because, even if she’s the type that prefers to rid herself of people who accept her – she knows, deep down, that they still love her. they just need to learn to love ALL of her. Quinn also would love to further her education by going to University to study game design.

#vestatask #not @ me being nervous to post this #about:quinn

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rustpuppy · 4 years

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my long overdue top surgery post

In the years leading up to my own surgery I read a lot of people’s posts about their experiences getting top surgery, so I figure I should probably make my own for other people!

(BTW, I’m nonbinary and use they/them pronouns - and I’m not on testosterone)

So when I was looking at surgeons in my area (the Seattle WA area), I decided to ask for a consultation with Dr. Mangubat and Dr. Dreveskracht, who are both at the same location, and Dr. Sajan. That was in January of 2019.

I had my consultations with Dr. Mangubat and Dr. Dreveskracht on February 7th, one right after the other. They both came across as very nice. Honestly, I was so nervous at the time that I don’t remember a lot about these consultations. I brought my aunt with me and I think she asked a lot of questions for me.

I had to wait until March 26th for a consultation with Dr. Sajan. He came across as a little more “down to business”, but still very nice. He asked me what I wanted my chest to look like, and he explained the techniques he used and how he did everything.

After that, I just had to decide which surgeon I wanted to go with.

I decided not to go with Dr. Dreveskracht because she hadn’t been doing this surgery for very long.

Dr. Mangubat had the most experience and my mom wanted me to go with him, but I had seen some mixed reviews on him. There were also some potential conflicts with him and my insurance.

I really decided to go with Dr. Sajan because the people who worked at his office were so helpful with my insurance.

My insurance did want two letters, one from my psychologist and one from my regular doctor. (Side note: I didn’t actually have a regular doctor at the time, so i went to Planned Parenthood and asked them if they could write me a letter, and they did. I love Planned Parenthood.)

It took about a month or two for everything to get sorted with my insurance (partly my fault because I’m bad at handling stuff like that), but they ended up covering the entire surgery!

After that, my surgery was scheduled for September 18th.

My pre-op appointment was August 28th. Not gonna lie, it was not fun. I had multiple people looking at/touching/measuring my boobs. They were very professional about it, but I still did not enjoy it. This appointment was when they went through step-by-step what was going to happen leading up to the surgery, and when I got the medications I was going to be on for the surgery. Got a lot of important information during this one.

The day of my surgery was probably the worst. You’re not allowed to eat or drink anything for 8 hours before surgery, so I was hungry and thirsty and I had a wicked caffeine-withdrawal headache. The nurse did let me take some tylenol with a tiny bit of water when I told her about my headache though. They had me change into a gown, flimsy little shorts, and compression socks. The surgeon came in and drew on my chest with a bunch of markers. They also had me give a urine sample so they could do a pregnancy test (which I thought was very dumb, especially since I had never even had sex but whatever). The nurse went over all the post-op care with me and my parents, and then it was just a little wait until I could go into surgery. They had me lay down on the operating table and put in my IV and it didn’t take long for me to go under.

When I woke up from surgery, I was a little loopy and I was shivering really hard. The nurse asked me some questions that I don’t really remember and then my parents came in. I had to wait like 30 or 45 minutes after surgery to be sure I wasn’t having any immediate complications, then I got wheeled out. When we got out the front door of the building, the nausea hit me and the nurse wheeled me over to a trash can and I threw up. The nausea stuck around for the car ride home (I threw up at least once more), but then I started to feel better. I think I just napped on and off for the rest of the day.

The day after my surgery, I had to go back for my first post-op appointment. They took the binder off (which was pretty bloody and gross at this point) and checked that everything looked good. Then they gave me a new binder.

I really didn’t experience much pain at all. I think I took the strong pain meds for the first couple days, but that was it. After that it was just really really ITCHY. I think I took as much benedryl as I safely could for like a week.

I’m glad I wasn’t in pain but since I wasn’t taking the strong pain meds I was not super sleepy or loopy, and I had a hard time sleeping in the recliner I was using (you’re not allowed to sleep lying down flat on your back or side). That kind of sucked.

Dr. Sajan doesn’t use “real” drains, instead he uses little baby drains that look like straws poking out of my skin. They didn’t hurt, but they did leak everywhere and make me feel pretty gross. I was allowed to take showers at this point, but I wasn’t supposed to let the water hit my chest directly. It was a little awkward but worth it to get the drainage off me.

Getting my drains out was great. The whole area was pretty numb so I couldn’t feel them being pulled out, and the nurse was very quick about it. I also stopped having to wear the binder when the drains came out, which helped a ton with the itchiness.

The bruising went down in about a week...

At the one month post-op appointment, they had to pull out a stitch that had gotten infected. I also had to take another round of antibiotics, which took care of it.

WARNING FOR SLIGHTLY GROSS PICTURES OF THAT BELOW:

Three months post-op, I was back at work and feeling pretty normal.

Now I’m a little over six months post-op! My scars are bigger and darker now because I ignored my surgeon and did not do the scar care he told me to do... whoops. But I don’t really mind, I’m not looking to “pass” as a cis man or anything.

I’m very happy with my top surgery results. I love my flat chest. No regrets here!!

P.S. I specifically asked my surgeon for a flat chest - not a “masculine” chest.

And I asked for no nipple grafts because I was worried about possible complications and I wasn’t especially attached to my nipples? I felt like they weren’t worth the trouble, I guess.

(If there’s anything I didn’t talk about in this post that you want to know, feel free to message me!)

#top surgery #gore #its pretty mild gore im just being cautious #long post #my face #personal

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phoenotopia · 5 years

Text

2019 October Update

Woops, I slipped by my stated blog date since I thought September had 31 days for some reason. So here's the end of September update, 1 day late.

--------------------------

Writing... And more writing.

That captures the majority of what transpired the last 2 months. The biggest cutscenes have been scripted as well as most towns, so we're really close... I estimate that the writing will conclude within the next 3 *weeks* and we will actually have a game that can be played from start to finish... Don't get too excited though, because then begins the game's vigorous playtesting phase and more polish. And since I've never launched a commercial game before, the next steps (PR, marketing, lot checking, ESRP rating application, trailers recutting, release date finding, etc) are uncharted territory. The only experience I have is launching a flash game 5 years ago, and that was a lot quicker and a lot less complicated... And so, I can't gauge how long it'd take nor give an accurate release date yet. However, as soon as I do know, it'll be sure to post it here first!

--- COMPUTER BROKE DOWN ---

Among the events that transpired in the last 2 months, my computer actually broke down. It would manifest as the computer shutting off about 10 minutes after turn on. And this was really worrisome because if my computer croaked, it would be a huge blow to the game's development. The time it would take to restore the specific dev environment I had set up would be considerable...

Luckily, it was repaired after 4 days of intense troubleshooting. I'll spare you the long list of events that transpired, but eventually my brother and I were able to narrow the problem down to non-spinning fans on the graphics card. I was able to zippo-tie two chassis fans together, and insert them below the Gfx Card's heat sink. Much cheaper than replacing the whole graphics card!

(please hold until the game's done)

--- MORE PLAYTESTING CHANGES ---

I'll discuss here some additional fixes/changes to the game based on my brother's previous playthrough (still going through that list, heh...)

F. Remember you can climb roots

I remember from a public demo I attempted (3 years ago?), that a lot of people got stuck at these roots, not realizing they could be climbed. Since then, we did a few things to ensure that the first encountered roots would be climbed. The roots' colors were brightened so they would stand out. A character, Ernest, comments that others have climbed the roots. And finally, standing in front of the roots will cause the "Press UP" tutorial prompt to appear.

So how did my brother fare when I did the playtest 2 months ago? He climbed the roots, thankfully. He climbed the next few sets as well. However, later on, in a dungeon, he forgot that climbable roots were a thing. Back to square one. So there's a lesson here... Even if you teach a player something, there's no guarantee that it'll stick.

So in the picture above, you can see my next attempt at an invisible hand to remind the player. In the red circle, notice there are 4 blue dots. These blue dots pulsate wherever there are climbable roots (They're a lot more visible in motion). The idea is to tie an unusual image to an action. I anticipate when the player sees 4 pulsating dots, they'll react by attempting a variety of actions, before eventually concluding that you can only climb them. And that this experience will be more memorable for it - to be conjured up whenever the player sees 4 blue dots. I look forward to observing what happens with the next blind playtester. (Btw, in reading this blog, you have disqualified yourself from playtesting :P)

G. Instant Food Eating

As stated in a previous blog post, the player can't eat from the menu. Food must be eaten in real-time. It's up to the player to find a safe spot to eat, away from interruptions. Some foods can be eaten more quickly, proving more valuable in a fight.

However, what about on the world map?

You can't use tools or items on the world map, which means no healing at all! I saw my brother opening the menu and tinkering around, confident that it could be done. Because why couldn't you?

Indeed... he didn't say anything, but I wrote it down as a feature to be added. And after adding it, found that eating from the menu was fun! After years of using the new system, to have the old flash system's implementation of healing again was refreshing.

And so I decided to add it as a possible new characteristic of food. There's now a special class of food, "candy", that actually can be used from the menu (world map or no). Rest assured, candy items will be balanced - costing more than regular food, and their healing effects will tend to be less than other more timely items.

(the “eat” subcommand appears for "candy" class items. The candy icon on the bottom-right denotes a candy class item)

H. Fishing Hud finally updated

This wasn't something discovered through playtesting, more of an unfinished task that sat around for far too long.

(Old fishing hud on left. New fishing hud on the right)

In the old fishing hud (perhaps an example of minimalism taken too far), the fish's health is represented by 10 white dots. In the new fishing hud, the fish's health lines up and mirrors the player's own stamina. Whoever outlasts the other wins!

I had actually been sitting on the finalized graphics for over a year. For some reason, the last 10% implementation of a feature tends to be the most boring. In game development, I find myself jumping around often, working on whatever can catch my interest. That's good for ensuring that the game's development is always moving forward in *some* capacity. But now at the tail end of development, only the most boring tasks are left...

--- WRITING ---

So I mentioned writing. One of the things written in the last 2 months was the entirety of the "monster" village's NPCs. This time I also roped in Pirate (formerly artist, now also writer), since she's quite familiar with their lore having drawn them and their town.

When I wrote trolls, I wanted to give them a unique speech, not unlike the Mr. Saturns from Earthbound. My idea was to capitalize all words and then strip away as many unnecessary words as I could, while keeping the meaning identical.

Pirate then took the result and improved upon it, establishing rules their language could follow to be consistent:

Simplified negatives (no instead of not/don’t/can’t/etc);

Object pronouns replace subject, possessive and reflexive pronouns (me/name instead of I/my/mine/myself).

No ‘be’ verb or it’s conjugations (am, is, are).

No verb conjugation.

No articles.

(A sample of troll language. Harpy language is similar, but no caps, and a few other variations.)

Another neat thing that happened naturally over the past two months was a construction of a "timeline". The timeline takes the form of a 2D chart, with the major players lined up on the left, and the years up top. There are new characters this time around, and having the timeline as a reference, helps to make sure the lore is on point.

(the timeline, blurred. An internal tool to aid writing)

--- FIVE YEAR ANNIVERSARY ---

Speaking of which, it was the game's 5 year anniversary this past August 20th. Thank you to Firana for reminding me!

Five years... Five Years... T_T (I thought I'd be done by now)

It'd be neat to do a longer in-depth retrospective on this game's long development, but I'll wait for the game to be properly finished first.

--- FAN ART ---

We have 3 lovely fan arts that came in the past 2 months.

(Art by Amaury Lorin)

I like how this picture selectively colors the night sky, comet, and fire. Very artistic! Amaury also submitted a poem (in French). Here it is!

Parmi cette clarté que la nuit seule émet, Au-dessus des radis géants qui s'épanouissent, Nonobstant sans souci les herbes qui frémissent, Sous un ciel calme et sombre, un village dormait.

Éprise de liberté, une puki part Là-bas, quelque part où des prés plus verts la tenant. "Oh, s'écrie un enfant, une étoile filante!" Veille, enfant : pour tes grands yeux curieux seuls, ce soir,

Indifférente au sol précipité sur elle, L'étoile tombe... Écoute, enfant, elle t'appelle; L'étoile : "Suis-je un ange, un messager du ciel?

Avec mes feux, suis-je augure, ou suis-je étincelle? Gloire d'un monde haut, d'une nuit éternelle... Et j'arrive!" --Dors, enfant, tes yeux ont sommeil...

...mais demain...

(Art by LittleLys Owo)

Gale smiling and flashing the peace sign. Nice! I like the skillful use of vectors to draw the lineart.

(Art by Shafiyahh)

Shafiyahh, who also drew fanarts in the last update, returns with this cool picture of Gale sporting the katana, a hidden weapon that... JK. I Love the composition of characters, and the flashy background - very anime-esque!

That's all for now. Next update will come at the end of November!

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grouchythefish · 4 years

Text

The 2010s, year by year.

I was inspired by @puzzled-dragon on twitter but but would rather do this here. I did not realize this decade sucked so hard. I put this under a read more because it’s long and sad af. I did not INTENTIONALLY make this depressing but thinking to each year these ARE the things I think of first. There’s a happy ending though, I promise. If this is too long, just read the first and last year and you’ll probably get the picture. (tw: depression, self-harm, death, suicidal thoughts, car accidents, sexual assault):

2010: Went on my first plane ride to visit my brother in San Francisco! Went to my first show that summer (warped tour - Sum 41!), then My Chemical Romance in December. Started volunteering with the Teen Advisory Board at the library. This was the year I first started realizing I had some mental health issues. My grandmother, who I was very close to, passed away. I was dealing with depression and self harming and learned I have ADHD. Started questioning my sexuality.

2011: The year of the January mystery evacuation! My strongest memories of this year are the summer. went to Warped Tour again (Motion City Soundtrack and Paramore!), joined Tumblr in July. I took 2 months of summer school by choice that year during which I read the Handmaid’s Tale and had a bit of a feminist awakening. Gwen and I started our band and started doing shows together. Started questioning my gender.

2012: Started IDing as asexual. Got into urbex for a little while. Graduated high school. Went to Warped Tour for the last time. Saw Mindless Self Indulgence and had my first serious panic attack. Started a visual arts degree at York. Lived on campus and lost a lot of weight REAL fast and got VERY sick. Now that I was 18 and no longer living with my parents I finally started getting treatment for my ADHD. Realized I was agender.

2013: Started playing quidditch and getting involved with York’s Harry Potter club (Ministry of Magic) where I met @ominouspotato and @puzzled-dragon. Realized I was bisexual. Got my first job (tim hortons) then my first apartment (A complete disaster) My depression and anxiety got real bad towards the end of this year. I did go to a lot of shows though. (Fall Out Boy and Motion City Soundtrack come to mind) Started listening to WTNV not knowing that this would absolutely be a gateway podcast for me.

2014: Moved in with my aunt Bev (not really my aunt) in Scarborough for the first half of the year then my parents for the second half. Bought my first binder. Became a Ministry of Magic exec. Saw WTNV live. Met my (now) ex at a PATD show in Feb, we started dating in Nov. Took the via rail for the first time. Was sexually assaulted on my first date (I have never told anyone this until right now). Rode the go train a lot. Started trying to change my major to Digital Media.

2015: Moved back in with my aunt Bev and lived there for the whole year. (At the time I hated it but in retrospect she was real cool about a lot of stuff) Saw Motion City Soundtrack for the third and final time :’(. This is the year @ghirahims-left-shoe and I met Frank Iero and Gerard Way (who said my drawing were awesome!!!!!) Moved into the Forest Hill apartment (a mistake). Realized university was going nowhere for me. Saw WTNV live again.

2016: Dropped out of York and started at Seneca for Interactive Media Design. My (now) ex moved in with me and my roommates and shit hit the fan which resulted in us packing up and moving back to my home town (Cue the worst 3 years of my life) Got my G2 and started driving regularly, got in my first car accident. I worked 6 different jobs this year. My tax return was hell. I started getting really into podcasts this year.

2017: Started off real fucking depressed over the US election and somehow ended up turning to mbmbam to cope (a mutual on tumblr suggested it and I wish I remembered who so I could thank them for changing my life). Commuted to Toronto 5 days a week this whole year. Got engaged. Bought my first car in August (a beige impala). Had my first car written off in November when someone rear ended me on the 400. Bought my red elantra that I still have now. Joined the MBMBAM Gaming Server when I was at a very low point that fall and it was a god send - met some really really good friends though this. Joined roller derby. First realized I was in an abusive relationship.

2018: Got in another car accident. Quit my job in Toronto because I couldn’t handle the commute anymore after getting in 2 accidents in the same winter. Traveled to Detroit to see mbmbam live. Went through a YMCA employment program, which is how I got the most soulless job ever - but it was a short commute, looked great on my resume, and paid okay so I sucked it up. My depression and anxiety got worse and worse and I kept ignoring it, kept thinking if I just acted like things were fine they eventually would be (fake it til you make it is bullshit btw). Tried to leave my fiance a handful of times but never could. Tried and failed many many times to pass the roller derby minimum skills test. Started isolating myself more and more from my irl friends. My laptop kicked the bucket in August and I couldn’t afford to replace it.

2019 (Jan-Aug): In March I both got my dream job and went on my first big trip (New Orleans to visit my brother)! Got my first tattoo in July. My depression didn’t go away, though. I quit roller derby. A few doctor’s visits and many different ADHD medication trials later I found myself at my lowest point. I wasn’t sleeping but I also struggled to get out of bed. I felt like work was the only thing I could do so it was all I did and my anxiety only fueled this further. I thought that there was no one in the world who cared about me. I saw myself as a problem to the people around me. Something that needed to be removed. I was researching what pills I could overdose on and how many it would take and I started making real plans to kill myself in September.

Spoiler: I didn’t!

2019 (Sept-Dec): I saw a new doctor, took a break from work, and started on anti-depressants for the first time ever. Everything changed. I traveled to Buffalo to meet friends from the mbmbam gaming server and had online friends come to Barrie to visit me. I reconnected with my university friends after 2 years of self-isolation and we see each other regularly now. I went on my first solo trip to visit Gwen in BC and we are starting a podcast together (!!!). I found out my friends are also doing podcasts! I started working on having a better relationship with my siblings (we’re not there yet but making progress). I started coming out to people irl as agender for the first time and requesting they use my chosen name and pronouns. I replaced my laptop and started making art again! I applied for a bunch of zines and got into one! I finally worked up the strength to break up with my fiance for real. Just in these last few months I’ve made more new friends and spent more time with them than in the last 3 years put together. (If you are one of those new friends, I’m sorry if I’m weird or awkward, or say too much or too little or just the wrong things, I got used to not having friends and genuinely don’t remember how to be around people. Please be patient with me, I’m trying to get better.)

2020: I just had the first new years eve in a decade where I felt I was ending the year better than I started it. Things aren’t perfect (I still need my ex to move out, I still live in a town that makes me depressed, I’m still not out to my family, I’m still looking for a therapist) but for the first time in a long time, I’m looking forward to the future.

#decade recap #sorry this is so long #my life

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maddyperiez · 5 years

Note

ROBYNNNNNNNNN

my main biiiitch!!!!

full name: robyn clementine argent.

gender and pronouns: cis female, she/her.

sexuality: bisexual.

ethnicity/species: white, human (but not any common human ;))

birthplace and birthdate: she was born while her parents were living in san diego, on august 2nd, 2002 (the story’s set in 2018 btw).

guilty pleasures: she’s pretty confident in what she likes to have a guilty pleasure, but i’d say, having stuffed toys. for some reason she doesn’t like everyone knowing about them, it’s like her own special thing. they’re all over her room and bed, and her favorite one is an old one, a duck that she named Bird. that’s what i can think of rn.

phobias: robyn is terrified of getting electrocuted. she always has been and it’s just an irrational fear with no reason. ▬ she also HATES bugs, especially slimey ones. ▬ her family and friends being in danger ▬ she’s scared of punches? it’s a very weird fear she has. i mean, no one wants to be punched, but robyn just hates to think about how getting punched feels lmao. ▬ drowning. ▬ nightmares in general.

what they would be famous for: her style, so she’d be like, a digital influencer.

what they would get arrested for: underage drinking ▬ breaking and entering ▬ honestly, she spends 6 seasons fighting the supernatural, it’s a looong list.

oc you ship them with: it’s a brotp, but mel ( ceruleanmusings ). they’re total soulmates!

oc most likely to murder them: ahshs maybe your esme? she’d definitely think about it a lot, tho ahshhs.

favorite movie/book genre: adventure movies and fantasy books!

least favorite movie/book cliche: idk if it’s a cliche but she hates books where slut-shaming is treated like normal and acceptable. with movies she’s more chill abt cliches ‘cause they’re shorter so 🤷🏻‍♀️.

talents and/or powers: she’s a good writer ▬ and is also good at skating (especially on ice), tho she’s not a professional ▬ she has a good eye for fashion too! ▬ as for powers, i won’t be saying much besides that 1. seeing people glowing is a side effect of this power, and there’s a reason why not everyone glows & 2. it’s more of a “passive” power.

why someone might love them: she’s very caring and loyal ▬ and being her friend feels secure because she’d never betray you, if someone doesn’t trust her friendship, it’s probably something wrong with them, likes trust issues and stuff ▬ she’s also very kind ▬ she treats people well despite their “social status” ▬ she donates to a dog shelter online ▬ robyn stands up for herself and people who need it ▬ and she’s also up to do a lot of things, it’s very fun to be around her.

why someone might hate them: once again, she stands up for what she believes in, and some people don’t like that ▬ she can be very bitchy and petty ▬ sometimes brutally honest ▬ she’s also very self righteous and has strong morals, tending to always think she’s right and to be very judgy ▬ robyn is not as “correct” as she may seem. she just has enough common sense to know that it’s rude and mean to say stuff like “your body type matches stripes better than polka dots” “you’re too tall to wear heels”, but she’s definitely thinking it (sometimes she even says what she’s thinking to a friend). robyn feels guilty and works really hard on changing this bc she knows this mindset is something she got from society and that it isn’t right.

how they change: at first, robyn doesn’t want to learn how to fight. it’s messy and painful and tiring. but as the seasons go on, she wants to feel in less need of protection and be more able to help, so she starts training ▬ she does become less judging ▬ she works on beating her drinking problem ▬ she becomes tougher in general ▬ learns to use her abilities to be more helpful (that’s how she ends up bonding with lydia) ▬ she starts to put more effort into school (but just a little).

why you love them: she’s so special to me bc like, she’s my first “real” oc? i write from her pov and she’s the one i’ve the most of, so i’m attached. i like that she’s a good person, and popular but also has some “bitchy” traits. and she’s so confident, lmao. also, i gave her my love of dogs bc i feel like us dog lovers aren’t represented well enough!!! and also her story lets me give some more depth to teen wolf and some characters so uwu.

#( oc: robyn argent )#( story: hypervigilance )#oc asks #oc stuff

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the-mira-life-project-mtf · 5 years

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My MtF~H.R.T. Journey -- As Gender Nonconforming, People Still Love Me

Finding Acceptance Where I Though None Existed

COMING OUT...IT ALWAYS OCCUR OVER AND OVER

Back in 2018, I initially came out as gender-nonconforming as I did not want to fully convert as I was terrified of my family and being outcast by my friends. My transgender identity keep changing as I found myself adapting and becoming Mira. I was turning from gender-nonconforming and turning into gender-fluid.

Even now, I am gender-fluid as I prefer to remain between genders. Male when it serves me and female when it comforts me. Since the start of 2019, both of my genders have been active with a case of a-gender to protect my feelings. Unknown to me, I have lived my life as a-gender as I have no set of pronouns and typically refer to myself as ‘they’ or ‘we’. However, since March of 2019...I have converted once more into a trans-woman as I am now on the path to turn my appearance and identity, female.

To this day, I still call myself gender-nonconforming and gender-fluid as I know I will always have a male and female side, however, my trans-woman side will take dominance.

MY NEW FAMILY IS LETTING MIRA BLOOM

Ever since I have came out to the Messinger’s, I have witnessed Mira bloom. Even though I am the same person, I ‘feel’ different now. I feel allowed to act out my emotions, show love and seek family. My whole Transgender nature depended on the Messinger’s accepting me as Mira and since they did, that is why I am writing this.

I was visiting the Messinger’s as I was dropping off some of my stuff from my old home as Michelle was sharing her day. “I had to take Ryan to the doctor today, we thought he might have a nasal polyps, and as a mom, I was concern for him.” I released a concerned groan as I listened from the stairs, which I was sitting upon. “Luckily it wan’t that, his nose has a deviated septum. Anyhow, I told him about you moving in with us and joining our family, he thinks that is a good idea. Then I told him about your other issue and he was excited. He said that he wants to help you!”

“Oh?” I ask as I know that I will need all the help.

“He said, if anyone messes with you, he will protect you. He can’t wait to do your makeup and do your hair...I told him that you need to ask him.” Michelle says as I thought about having makeup and having my hair done...looking feminine.

REACHING OUT TO ONE WHO ONCE HATED THE GAYS

Barb: Your dad and I would love to get together with you. We could meet at a restaurant, your grandmother's house...wherever. Whenever, just let us know what works for you. Scratch Crisco's and AJ's ears for me.

Mira: I certainly have been needing to have a revisit, and look forward to setting up a time. Might have to be awhile, I am in the process of moving and transitioning to a new family who has asked to take me in (countless times). They are wonderful people, very loving and have been there for me when my family would not (besides you and Dad, who have came more times then my mother, which really means much to me). I believe their willingness to adopt me as a member of the family is due to the fact that Mitch lost both of his daughters to CF and for two years prior, one of his daughters named Amanda, was the one who keep pushing me to be tested for CF. If it wasn’t for her diligence, I probably would not be here today. So I feel indebted to the family, and I believe it is a way he can properly grieve and hope to save me from the mistakes he made with his own girls. Ironically, I am much healthier with them as they keep me true to my regiment and help with clearing my airways. They are also willing to let me live my life without hiding an embarrassing secret, which I am certain will nevertheless have me excommunicated from the family. I am not certain how you both will take the news, and if you wish to distance yourselves, I would not be offended and honor your wishes. Only four people know this, and you’ve both been quite like family to me, so I will share it with you, so you can decide if you still want to visit: Since I was seven years old, I’ve struggled with identity. I have come to a conclusion that my gender dysphoria was caused from being raised in a female-styled family with no male influence, many links to me being female started when I was nine, steroids I was taking for my asthma starting my development on the incorrect path. Teen years were not easy, my actions certainly were not masculine as I avoided sports and sang soprano in my choirs until I was 18 years old, then lowered to alto. With my failing health, and depression from hiding this from my family, and hearing their opinions about transgender individuals with borderline on the violent side, I lived a double-life. About five years ago, when I could not work, my health was crashing, grandfather passed away and my relationship with Ruth failed, I accepted my nature and began converting my identity. I am enrolled in hormone replacement therapy and have plans to change my name and identity once I am fully adopted into the new family. I don’t press my views on other people (as that personally annoys me); and so I will not be ashamed or upset if you still wish to refer to me as David. However, my identity will be shifted to Mira Carlene Messinger probably by the summer. It has taken me much will to write this, and again, I understand this is much to accept...it took me a year just to accept it myself. So I expect, and understand that many old relationships will be destroyed by this. Please let me know your thoughts. I will certainly pass on your love to Cisco and AJ...they love the attention!

Steve: Your my son and I love you, that will never change! Barb's cares about you. Search your heart; seek Jesus . Remember, your my son. I will not turn my back on you!! We love you. Dad.

Barb: David your dad and I love you, We love you as David and will love you as Mira. We still want to be part of your life and we still want to see you.

Mira: That is so comforting to hear! I can’t express how happy it makes me, that both of you are so willing to except me for who I am! I still like to meet-up, catch-up on how you’ve been doing. Hopefully sometime in May would be great! With all my love!

I was shocked to see that Barb and my biological father were so accepting of my transgender nature. When I sent the message, I watched the message gain a thumbs-down, then a angry face and finally a thumbs-up. This was probably because the revelation was shocking for Barb and Steve that she did not know how to respond. (amended 9-26-2019 — misleading information in article has been corrected after learning family past)

REKINDLING A LOST LOVE

Back in 2016, Ruth (Bisexual) and I got into a fight while traveling the Oregon Coastline. We had dated for over eight years and after that August disruption, we called it an end. It wasn’t until 2018 when I reached out to Ruth to talk about my transgender revelation; but did not tell her I was taking hormones and wishing to become female. Today, I sent a message to her to see what she thought.

I have started coming out to a selected few as I don’t want these people to feel bad when I come out officially in May. It is easier to privately speak to these people...preparing them for my transformation:

Mira: Thank you so much for reaching out...it means a great deal to me! I just want to drop a few lines to bring you up to date about what is going on. Much is about to change in my life and a few are on board to see me through, and I want to inform you too before I decide to go public about my choices. So, after long deliberation, I have decided to move from my grandparents place and to Mason county. This move is due to the nature of my health, knowing they will not be there for me, and placing myself in the hands of someone who has experience with treating end-stage cystic fibrosis. They have asked for me to come live with them, and willing to adopt me into their family permanently. For about a year I said no, but have decided that living there is best for my physical and mental health. The second change that is coming soon is to align myself with my identity. I have been in deep consideration and reflection and last year, I decided to act upon my gender-fluid issue by taking hormones to correct my physical form. As you know, I closely identify as female over male, and my discomfort in my body made me isolated and unwilling to be affectionate. Sorry for the ordeal this has put upon you, since taking hormones...I’ve noticed that it is so much easier to be comfortable with myself and have became deeply empathetic. It is wonderful! If this makes you uncomfortable, I apologize and totally understand your feelings and respect any decisions you make. I f you are willing to continue our relationship, I would like to start over! I know the past two years had some strain and I hope my choices will help us become closer. This experience has been hard upon me as I fear losing people I love, but I think it is time. I have came out to my new family to see what they think and they fully support my decisions and will help me convert over time. By summertime, I hope to leave my old life behind and become Mira Carlene Messinger. Let me know your thoughts. I’d like to set up a time for us to see a movie, there is a sad one about cystic fibrosis in the theaters right now. I’ve read the book, it was well written and hauntingly accurate. We could wait and see Avengers Endgame. Maybe this summer we can take a few day trips until we feel comfortable to take longer ones. Love you!

Ruth: Hi Mira, I must say I am in awe of your courage in embracing who you are. I must also say you were right about me in noticing the characters I identify with are primarily male, and I have suspected for awhile that am either bi-gender or identify as male.

For the time being, I'm staying physically female, but I am absolutely willing to both continue our relationship and start over.

Once you admitted to me that you are female, it was like the whole universe aligned and everything just made sense. I would love to see a movie with you, and have been wanting to see both the CF one and the Avengers one.

I'm dog sitting at the moment and am enjoying the time to be the alpha male I am inside. BTW, if I had been born a man, my name would be Timothy. As things stand now, I identify as both Ruth and Timothy, although only you, my sister, and my shrinks know that.

I love you, Mira, and am excited to date my new girlfriend. Much love, Ruth/Timothy

Mira: Much love too Ruth/Timothy...I love that name, very pretty. Be curious to hear about it!

Sorry my last message was rushed, was talking with my soon-to-be family; been busy planning my room and needs...it is all rather exciting! Just wanted to acknowledge your wonderful comment. I certainly love you, either as Ruth, Timothy or both! And I wish to express my sincere gratitude that you shared this with me. I always was pleased that you played the masculine role in our relationship...and it comforts me to start anew as your girlfriend. It will take some time to conform, but from what my mom and dad say, looks like I am conforming quite well...even my moms 13 year old daughter is going to help me adjust...and I can always use advice along the way. I can’t express how excited for our first date! As Mira, my world has open...it is amazing and I can’t wait to legally take the name! Have fun dog sitting my young Alpha and I look forward to even possibly sharing our first kiss. Let me know when you are free sweetheart! Mira

Ruth: I will be done dog sitting on Monday. On Tuesday I work at L'Arche, but I am free all other days. As for my male name, the story behind it is quite simple. Either ultrasonic imaging hadn't been invented yet, or my parents chose not to know my gender right off the bat. My parents each chose a name for me. Dad chose Ruth Ann if I was a girl, and Mom chose Timothy John if I was a boy. I feel like both

Mira: Oh...that is so awesome! That is so wonderful that you have both of your given names! You are blessed to have such a loving mom and dad! They are great people! My schedule is pretty free, will be gone the weekend to clam dig and then gone the third weekend. I have my facenra injection on the 19th, digging clams 20-24th at Ocean Shores and see my transgender physician on the 26th for the first time. Anytime next week be wonderful!

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