#because they will immediately think that i am a sad and bitter woman

[languri]

Anyway i just found out that im aromantic lol everything makes sooooo much sense to me now 😅

#likeeeee im so afraid of admitting to people that I have no interest in relationship and talking about relationship with other people #because they will immediately think that i am a sad and bitter woman #and like i get annoyed about my friends talking about their relationship and like i started to think something's wrong with me #and it's also ironic considering that I do selfshipping content #but like how do i explain that i have no attraction to irl things but like the idea of relationship and doing lovey dovey stuff to- #-fictional character is like my drug and i consume it like my life depends on it #and thats because i know that its not real and its just fantasy to me #and like i love the idea of romance and relationship #but me being in relationship just makes me feel gross #like that's why i broke up with my ex i just immediately have 0 interest after getting into a romantic relationship #anyway i decided to look up for aromantic and ended up taking a bunch of quiz #turns out i fit really well with Lithromantic #so i guess I am an aromantic lesbian now huh???? #asukablyat

[darkdevasofdestruction]

Heart Sutra ~ Buddha x Goddess! Reader

Gate gate para gate para sam gate bodhi swaha...

"Your pronunciation is getting better, Y/N." King Jataka laid on the grass, underneath a tree, watching the beautiful woman besides him create various models of flower crowns with her magic. "Really? You truly think so?" her charming smile seemed to radiate as bright and warm as the Sun itself. "Yes, I think so. A little more, and you can sing the Heart Sutra perfectly." Jataka found himself smiling also. "Ahh, you are being far too nice, 'Taka." she waved her hand dismissively, returning to her idle work. "Y/N, do you mind if I ask you something?" she hummed, encouraging him to continue. "You are a Goddess. Why have you been staying at my court, disguised as a Bodhisattva?" he asked, deep in thought. Y/N turned her head to look at him properly. "Why, you ask?" Y/N didn't have an immediate answer. "I suppose because it makes me happy." "Does it, really?" he murmured, intrigued. "I think so, yes." she smiled kindly. "Every time I see the smiles of people that I healed, my heart bursts with happiness, and I feel lighter. In this prospect, I suppose that yes, being here, among humans, and aiding them does make me happy." "You are always smiling." Jataka nodded his head, pensive. "You have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen." "Jataka." she called out his name, placing the flower down and leaning back on the tree. "What is bothering you?" "Ahaha... Saw right through me, didn't you? No wonder you're a Goddess governing the nature, peace and serenity. Only someone pure and benevolent like yourself could understand my troubled heart." the King spoke softly. "I am nearing the end of my life, and through this, I have come to realise that although I have done my duty well, made my people happy and that my kingdom is flourishing... You see... I feel... Unfulfilled. I feel... Empty. Like there is something missing. I feel... Deep unrest and... Sadness. As though I am nostalgic over something that I have never had... And never will."

"Your reason for sadness is the very reason over which I took a leave of absence from home, up there." Y/N gently wrapped her arms around the King, placing his head on her lap. "There is no creature alive that can feel happiness over being controlled by a higher being. We blame destiny and duty, or even Gods for out sadness... But the truth is, Jataka... We are the masters of our own destiny, and only we have power over our own lives." Y/N looked away with a sarcastic smile. "If only that were entirely true, huh?" "Lavishing in all these material luxuries, being hidden away from any misfortune, I have been ignorant over what it meant to live." the man sighed deeply. "As I watched the starry skies one night, from the balcony, I realised how vast the skies are - And if the skies are endless, then so must the Earth be. I watched birds fly, unhindered by any restraint, and I realised that I was nothing more than a caged falcon, bound by a rope, never allowed to venture too far. Since my birth, I have been told that I must uphold my duties as a prince - As the future King - And I did everything as best as I could, out of filial love and duty for the people I am responsible for." Jataka felt a sense of relief, feeling the Goddess' hand gently caressing his silvery locks. "Do you think I am selfish, Y/N? For wishing for my own happiness, for once?" "No, Jataka. I do not think you are selfish. Truth is..." though Y/N smiled, it was bitter, and a tear escaped down her cheek. "I am just a little upset that you did not realise it until it was too late." a few more tears followed close behind, surprising the young King. "You are such a good man, Jataka. It always pains me, seeing young men and women like you, who have done only good in their life, and are repaid with only misfortune. I hate how unfair life can be, and I hate that I am unable of meddling with diseases that humans cannot conquer yet. If I were to keep every living being alive, forever, than it would only bring calamity and a disbalance of life." Jataka felt a pang of pain in his heart, realising the emotional woman before him cared so much for him and all the people she governed over - Despite all the births, deaths and rebirths that she's witnessed over the course of aeons, for as long as she has been alive - She still couldn't get over the suffering of loss. "But if I make an exception with you, then I would have to make an exception with everyone, as my heart wouldn't allow me to spare one over the other. A cruel fate, out of which I cannot escape. And you, Jataka, are correct, you are no different - A beautiful song bird, trapped in a golden cage, embellished with the most precious jewels, forced to sing the songs of the nobles, yet unable to break free and witness and experience the world in front of your eyes; Unable to spread your wings and feel the air brushing through your feathers."

Y/N felt two gentle hands cradling her face, wiping away her diamond beads of tears which created blooming flowers where they fell on the ground. Jataka smiled, and kissed her forehead. "Having your love means more to me than anything else in the world." he spoke in a soft voice which mellowed the Goddess' heart further into trembling with emotion. "Though I cannot live the life that I wished, nor live eternal in this mortal husk that my body is - I have a single wish, that only you may fulfill. It is the only thing that can bring me a little comfort. Can you promise me something, please?" "Of course. I will do anything." she placed her hands over his own, intertwining their fingers together. "Please, take care of Siddhartha for me. He is still young and naive, still fooled by the luxuries of the palace. He needs you, the same as I do. He is a good man. Please, care for him the same as you did for me." the two locked eyes, and their hearts came to a deep understanding. A vow was formed, for millennia to come. "I will."

Weeks passed by, and though Siddhartha had no clue that Y/N was actually a Goddess, he enjoyed his time spent with her and Jataka. Ever since she appeared at his Kingdom, quite a while ago, he felt that those two were kindred spirits, in ways that few could accomplish, as though they could understand each other simply through looks and smiles. Or maybe that's how mature adults think. One of the two, he wasn't quite sure. Either way, he often teased Jataka about taking her as one of his wives. He always got scolded when he did.

Y/N wasn't the most talkative, but he always appreciated her care for everyone, including him. All her kind words and sweet actions towards people made the young man want to spend more and more time with her.

At some point, he even came over to her, offering flowers - He had the most innocent, boyish grin - He was so adorable, really. Still, for some reason, Y/N only smiled sweetly at him, kissing his cheek and went away. Though he was flustered, he also felt... Rejected? Maybe his intentions weren't obvious enough? He wasn't quite sure - Not to mention, Jataka just laughed, but gave him no answer. Was he teasing him? Ha!

Jataka's time was nearing its end, and for the first time since they've known each other, Siddhartha was met with a confusing confession for his elder brother figure - The validity of his happiness. Was he happy, truly? Was the material world was the soul's fulfillment was? Or perhaps he was too shallow to realise... Or too inexperienced? Jataka said he realised how much he wanted to see the world and... Live. Alas, he couldn't, not only because of his illness, but because of his duties as a King, trapped in the comforting gold of his kingdom.

He panicked, seeing his older brother's bitter smile, looking into the horizon at the setting Sun, and he felt dread, watching the blood dripping down his hand as he continued to cough.

When the country went into deep mourning, he was shocked not to see Y/N anywhere. She must be glued to the coffin, no doubt. Everyone knew she was the closest person Jataka ever had. As Siddhartha rode towards the kingdom, he saw the people sobbing and weeping for their deceased King.

"The life I lived, who did it belong to, in the end?"

"Do you truly think I am a happy person?"

These questions rung through Siddhartha's mind, as soon as he heard that one assumption - "The king must have been truly happy."

But was he, really? Who's to say he was actually happy? The kingdom's prosperity? The people's well-being? No war, nor famine or plague in the lands he was governing?

At once, Siddhartha came to a revelation. He jumped off his horse, and weeping, he started cackling loudly, making people believe his grief drove him to madness.

As expected, as soon as he entered in the temple, he was met with sobbing people, lots of flowers, and a single woman glued to the King's coffin. Yes, Y/N loved flowers, and consequently, so did Jataka - Hence why Siddhartha gathered a whole basket of field flowers and strutted all the way to the coffin, throwing flowers around.

"Siddhartha...?" Y/N's sweet voice called out to him softly as she rose her crying face to look up at him. "You were right. I understand now, and I admit, you were right." he smiled at her. "I won't say it a second time though." "What are you talking about?" Siddhartha moved his gaze to Jataka, and offered a melancholic smile. "Hey, bro. You 'bout ready to go out of here?" with extraordinary strength, Siddhartha picked Y/N and placed her gingerly on his shoulder, as his other hand held Jataka's coffin. He was completely deaf to all the others yelling at him to stop his mad actions. "Piss off. Whatever Gods you're praying at today - My bro Jataka doesn't need their blessings. Because happiness... Comes from within."

Y/N gasped hearing his bold words - And she started crying. She was proud of him. Afternoon came, and the two knelt on the ground, gazing at the beautiful King amongst the flowers, having his coffin lowered onto the river sheen. "You are free, my friend. Now go and find your happiness yourself." they watched him disappear into the horizon, engulfed into the red rays of the beautiful Sun.

For the first time in the many years since they've known each other, Siddhartha witnessed Y/N offering him her undivided attention. As soon as the silhouette of the coffin was visible no more, she threw her arms around his torso and sobbed like a child. Siddharta smiled, moved that someone cared so much for his bro, and he held her smaller form into his embrace. "Why are you crying so much, you little crybaby? Don't you know - Suffering is only a concept bound to the material world. One day, when we enter Samsara, our souls will reunite with Bro's, and we will be friends again, in our next life - Again, and again, until we reach awakening and attain Nirvana." his words sounded so wise, unlike the childish beliefs of yester-year. "It is alright to upset, the wound is still fresh and ablaze. But Y/N - One should find happiness in remembering the beautiful memories guiding your future, rather than mourning the past." "I am so proud of you, Siddhartha." her words were nothing that he expected, and the young man was taken aback. "You are right. Yes, you are entirely right. If only that life was kinder to benevolent souls like yourself and Jataka." she continued vaguely.

Y/N rose her head to look up at him, a wide smile through her tears. "But, Siddhartha, you see - That truth only applies to mortals. As a Goddess, seeing beautiful souls die so young... Beautiful flowers withering all around you, as the garden you tended with so much love and care dies upon winter... It hurts every time, and no matter how many thousands of years pass, I cannot get over the suffering that loss has on me." Siddharta frowned slightly, confused at her statement. "Goddess, you say? Ha! That's funny." he grinned at her. "You see, I have just come to the realisation that I absolutely despise anything that tries to control my actions. I am a firm believer that we seam the tapestry of our own lives through the choices we make. Now I understand why Bro was so upset last time we met. You knew all this, didn't you, you little minx?" "Of course I did." she huffed lightly. "Siddhartha - Do you hate me for not saving Jataka? Now that you know my identity, you must be very upset that I just let him die." The young man let out an over-dramatic hum, placing his hand to his chin as if to mock thinking, before he popped out a negative answer. At least he retained his childish vitality. "What are you Goddess over, anyway? You healed people. Goddess of Life or what?" "Nature, Peace and Serenity." Siddhartha let out a sound of understanding. "No wonder I and Bro felt so good around you! It's like everything was good around you!" he cackled weirdly. "Must be hard on you, huh?" his theatrical expression turned more gentle and kind. "Having to take care of so many things at once. You know, my wife told me once that she can feel what our child feels. I'm not sure how it works, but it must be similar with you and everything you create right?" Y/N nodded her head, albeit, bewildered at the accurate comparison that he figured out on the spot. "Having to feel the emotion of every living being must be a huge pain in the ass." Y/N giggled in amusement. "I love and care for every living being, Siddhartha. It is like a gardener tending to a flower garden. Every human, every animal, every tree. Everything has life, and their vitality, their energy surges through my veins." she explained, taking a step back. She rose her hands up to take his hair away from his tail, letting it swish with the wind. His hair was so long, that it matches her own. "You dig in the dirt with your own fingers, and you bury the seed of life. Every morning, every afternoon and night, you tend to this seed, and care for it - You water it and fertilize it, protect it from parasites and the harsher weathers. When it comes up from under the first, you see the cutest, littlest sprout, braving to live and grow more. You watch it get bigger, and stronger over the course of many days, until finally, it reaches maturity, and it blossoms into the most beautiful flower." she smiled widely, creating a gorgeous flower crown, which she placed on his head. "But once it reaches maturity, the risk of illness increases. It matures until it grows old. You watch it lose its vibrant colours, the petals fall off one by one, until only a frail stem remains, falling from the faintest breeze, until finally, the roots rot, and the flower is no more." Siddhartha's grim comment about life made Y/N's beautiful gem-like eyes gleam with emotion. "So is life, yes." despite being overwhelmed with emotion, Y/N continued to speak. "Out of all my flowers - Siddhartha, you are my most beautiful lotus flower, and I am most proud of you." the young man blushed in surprised. "Creating humans, creating life - It is the effort of the collective of Gods, not mine alone; But creating, and caring for, is different. I may not be able to look over every living being in this large, large world, but I am most honoured that I was able to meet you and see you grow into such a wise young man."

At once, Siddhartha pulled Y/N into a tight hug, swinging her around enthusiastically. "Awwww, you're the sweetest! You're making me blush!" Y/N was quickly beginning to get dizzy from all the twirling and swinging around from the awfully strong prince. "What did you promise Bro?" "Oh? You knew about that?" Y/N chuckled softly, trying to regain her balance. "I promised that I would take care of you, the same way I did for him." Siddharta grinned widely. "Nope!" Y/N looked at him, a little confused. "I've got a better idea, actually." he brought Y/N at arm's length, his hands placed firmly on her shoulders. "You knew I liked you, didn't you?" Y/N nodded her head. "But a mortal doesn't live long enough, so they can't hang around an immortal, huh?" Y/N's eyes lingered towards the river, before nodding again. "Welp, I've got an idea!" his dazzling smile was more charming than any God. "You see, I want to go on a pilgrimage, all by myself. I want to find myself, and my own happiness. I want to find my purpose. I need to do this alone - Though don't worry, if I am to encounter a like-minded friend, then we will travel together." he spoke. "Will you wait for my return, Y/N? Until I reach my Enlightenment and become an iteration of myself with which I can be proud of?" Y/N smiled dearly at the young man, glowing like the morning Sun. "I will wait for you for as many cycles it takes you to find me again. I hope that, by the time you return, you will have achieved true happiness, and I can see your beautiful smile again. Siddhartha."

The young man smiled brightly before pulling Y/N into a sweet kiss. "Something to look forward to." he gave her a peace sign before walking away. "See ya, Y/N! Laters!" "Have a safe journey, you little troublemaker." Y/N smiled dearly, waving at him. Though life as a God was long and tedious, and relationships were shallow, she felt a pure love like she's never experienced before. Whether she sees the young man again or not, she knew he was going to be just fine.

Since then, Y/N returned to the Gods, continuing her boring life, watching over the nature of Earth from above. Life truly wasn't all that exciting for deities living so long, but once in a while, something big happens - Big enough for the whole foundation of Valhalla to shake to the core.

If a human becoming a demi-God wasn't exceptional enough, considering the bravery and righteousness that Heracles displayed; A man had somehow attained supreme spiritual awakening, and ascended to the title of Buddha the Enlightened, the Wise. A human achieved Godhood.

Siddhartha Gautama

As soon as he saw the Goddess, completely frozen from shock of seeing him in Heavens, he let out a childish squeal and leapt on her, rubbing his cheek on her face as though he's a kitten or something. He told her how much he missed her and what not - Surprise! He even had his own brand of delicious lollipops to share with her! And lots and lots of chocolate too! Oh, and they had so much to catch up!

He told Y/N all about his journey and the people he met, those he guided on their path to achieving happiness, and all the sightseeing he did. Best of all, he reminisced all the awakening he did over the years - And how much he missed her! Haha, a joke - He is always determined to get what he wants, so of course, he was patient. Craving would only bring him suffering, thus the knowledge of knowing the Goddess was there, waiting for him, soothed his worried into a calm peace of mind.

Siddhartha - Now, Buddha - Still felt so giddy, being called by his name. Only Y/N could call him that, of course! No one else had that privilege. The more she spoke his name, the happier he was. Buddha ended up playfully pinning Y/N to the bed, kissing all over her face and tickling her, feeling his heart lighter with every sweet giggle she let. When she couldn't take the tickling anymore, the Goddess wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him flush against her chest; She took off his hair tie once again, and the pretty crown-like accessory holding it in a lotus-like style, and she caressed his locks soothingly. "I missed you." three simple words, yet they had the strongest effect on him. He felt compelled to engulf her in his strong arms, cuddling together, two hearts soulbound for an eternity of spiritual happiness.

Many, many years passed, and Buddha and Y/N were inseparable. Gods may argue, and so do humans, but never once did anyone even see them disagree on anything, let alone argue. Was it the endless patience and compassion of the Buddha, or that Y/N was always too kind to say anything that might upset someone, and detested confrontation; She'd rather walk away, or smile, instead of disagreeing with anyone.

That was their biggest similarity, but also, their biggest difference - Buddha was never one to back away from a fight against someone he couldn't stand - In his case, most of the Gods. Ironic, isn't it, he told Y/N so many times; How one can detest the very being they became, with the same strength that they love another just as much. He was a God who hated Gods, yet a God, who loved a Goddess as much as he loved the happiness and freedom he achieved.

"You have to find your own happiness within you." he told her once, watching Y/N dancing around the forest. Everywhere she stepped, flowers grew. "That may be so, Siddhartha - But my happiness increases whenever I see you." she bent to his side, grabbing his wrists and pulling him up to dance with her. Though all kinds of flowers bloomed wherever she stepped, hence why she always walked with no shoes on; Where Buddha stepped, beautiful white lilies grew. Together, they created endless flower gardens, more ethereal than any other God could make.

One would think eternal bliss was in store for them - Alas, one so connected to Nature as Y/N, was bound to suffer greatly, to the hands of the mankind she cherished so much. Buddha often saw how Y/N would try to sneak away into the forests, all alone. Though he hadn't seen her, he could sense her distress, her agony. After the third time that she refused to confide in him, preferring to keep the problem hidden, the newly Awaken God decided to confront her himself.

Instead, once he arrived at the edge of the forest, he found Y/N collapsed on the grass, writhing in pain. Panicked, he fell to his knees, cradling her in his arms, calling out her name; She seemed feverish and weak, but Gods couldn't contract illnesses, could they? Surely, they can't. He held her tight in her embrace, wishering the Heart Sutra in her ear over and over again, until finally, her breathing evened out, and the pain subsided.

"Pfeww, don't scare me like that, gorgeous! You're going to give me a heart attack!" he collapsed on his back dramatically. "Forgive me... I didn't want you to see me like this." Y/N sighed, rolling on the grass next to him. "I did not want you to see me cursing the humanity that I loved so much." "Humanity caused you this pain? What do you mean?" he turned to his side, his blue water lily eyes widening. "Take a look for yourself." she guided him to the edge of the floating forest. "Look there - They are at war. Countless people are dying all at once, the grass is drowning in blood, the animals are perishing." she sighed softly, before pointing to the opposite side. "And there - The deforestation, the excessive hunting - That whole hill is bare of life and decrepit, all so that humans may build and build and build some more." "Ahh, I see, so I was more right than I realised, though to think it would affect you to the point of being physically ill. My poor, poor baby Y/N!" he threw his arms around her, rolling on the grass with her dramatically. There was nothing that he could do to save her from this - It was the course that humanity took for itself, but perhaps there might be a way to somehow detach her, even by a little bit, from her connection with that which was created. Perhaps, that-a-way, the suffering may subside. Until then, however, he can only distract her with his love and playfulness. It was working wonders.

For thousands of years, humanity existed, with the will of the Gods, until that will was no more. Even Aphrodite herself, disgusted with the state of the world, agreed to decimate mankind. Shocked with the outcome, Y/N was the first to step forward and protest. Though she couldn't see Buddha looking at her, she could feel his presence and his lingering gaze. She wanted to fight for the mankind that destroyed her from within. None of the actions of humanity were directly affecting either of the Gods, except for her for the most part. She was the only one with the validity of voting, and if she wanted mankind to continue living, she had every right to vouch for them.

But they didn't care for her opinions - Instead, they laughed, saying her pain will disappear along with the humans, and she can achieve serendipity. How ridiculous. Thankfully, Brunhilde's plan of inducing Ragnarok worked, and thus, the thirteen fights were to take place.

Worried, Y/N quickly rushed out of the conference room, needing some time alone to regain herself. She was panicking and afraid. True, eliminating the humans was bound to relieve her heart of suffering - But at what cost? There were so many good people, innocent people out there, who did nothing wrong. Why should they perish, for the mistakes of others? Like how Adam and Even were cast away from Heaven, due to the disgusting lies and deceit of the Snake, so will billions and billions of other people suffer eternal Doomsday.

It wasn't fair.

A mother doesn't kill their own child for misbehaving. The Gods were being as selfish as always.

"N'aww, sweet-cheeks, don't tell me you're crying again! You know it breaks my heart seeing you like this!" though Buddha wasn't expecting to be pinned to the wall, Y/N's fingers digging deep into his shoulders. "We can't let them die, Siddhartha! We can't! They are innocent!" Y/N cried out, looking into his beautiful eyes. "Please, don't tell me you're on their side! We can't - We can't let them die! But what can we do? We are so few, against so many of them - And they're all so unreasonable and short-sighted." Buddha felt pain in his heart, listening to the distress of her voice, seeing the glimmering of her eyes. "I know! I'll... I'll fight for mankind! I... I've never fought in my life... But I am the Goddess of Peace. To know Peace is to know War; and to know War, is to know Peace. One must protect that which he holds dear. That's right, isn't it?" "Y/N." he called out in a gentle, calm voice. "Please, calm down." "Siddhartha...?" she found herself calling out his name. "You and I - We are soulbound, aren't we? We want the same thing. And you, more than anyone else in this world, know how much I hate being told what to do." he pulled her into a deep kiss. "And I'll be damned before I allow anyone to make you cry." Her distressed look turned into a content smile of relief, and she snuggled into his arms. "I love you so much." those words never failed to make his heart leap with joy.

Once Ragnarok began, Heimdall would call out the champions of the Gods, while Y/N would call the Mankind warriors to come over. It was the least she could do, apart from encouraging each of the fighters.

Mankind had a staggering two consecutive losses, and each time, Y/N took the short pause between matches to weep and regain herself. Staying in the ring for the duration of the fight, she used her magical powers to create a strong shield for the audience, so that none of the match-attacks would mistakenly harm anyone watching.

She felt sad yet emboldened seeing Lu Bu's tragic death, but also, his horse and brothers in arms asking for death, to be reunited in Niflheim with their General. She saw Thor smile for the first time in his life, after having fought with all of his mind against an honorable and strong member of mankind. Likewise, her heart shattered watching Adam's conviction is protecting his children from perdition, the very same she wished.

Thankfully, the great Sasaki was able to slash to death none other than Poseidon himself; Though not the most agreeable person, she still felt sad to see him gone forever. Alas. Y/N hugged the old man, thanking him for his resilience and strength before picking him up and bringing him to the infirmary.

The same happened with Jack the Ripper, a man despised by all mankind and humanity for being the scum of the earth. Y/N knew better - She knew all of their lives. In truth, though she disagreed with his actions, she pitied Jack, the poor man. He truly was a pitiable one. Unlike Poseidon, Heracles was wept by all, Gods and humans alike, whilst Jack got ostracised, ridiculed and insulted, even having stones thrown at him, despite already being injured. That angered Y/N.

"How dare you speak ill of the man who put his life on the line for humanity to keep living?! He has no descendants, he has no family - He fought for humanity, though he had nothing to gain out of it! He got the recognition of Heracles himself, and tied the score against the Gods with his shrewdness and wit - And yet you dare talk down to him? I don't see you in here, facing the wrath of the Gods who want you dead!" Buddha felt himself cackling from the stand, watching the Goddess pick up a grown man like he was a bride and actively healing him with love and care like none other before. What a darling she always was.

Unfortunately, Mankind lost the 5th match, with poor Raiden dying against Shiva, the God of Destruction. Still, the only good thing coming out of all the matches was that Y/N could sense the fighting Gods getting genuine admiration for the strength, selflessness and righteousness of humanity, beginning with Thor calling Lu Bu his friend, Zeus acknowledging Adam's strength in protecting his kin, Sasaki defeating Poseidon himself, Heracles loving humanity and Jack himself, and Shiva admiring Raiden's power.

And thus, the sixth match was to take place. The doors opened, and two rows of seven pink water lilies appeared - The familiar silhouette of Buddha appeared. Y/N looked at his unbothered face, blowing up bubblegum, his weapon lazily swung over his shoulder. He was smirking, winking at Y/N mischievously, reveling in the spotlight before he stepped by the Goddess' side and pulled her over into his side as he got to where the human representative was to stand.

He spit his gum in Heimdall's hand, snatching away his Gjallarhorn. "Excuse me. Testing. Testing." he spoke into the horn. "Uhhh... I'm gonna fight for Mankind. Ya dig?" the whole arena was in ecstasy. Numerous comments were thrown around, denigrating Buddha as he shattered the horn in his grasp. "Piss off." he pointed with his weapon towards Zeus. "Y'all made my girl cry. Screw you. If the Gods aren't going to save mankind, then I will. And if any God gets in my way..." he slammed the butt of the weapon into the ground, his expression now serious and devoid of any joy. "I'll kill 'em."

He truly is the kind not to take orders from anyone. Though Heimdall tried to press on that he can't switch sides, Zeus himself approved anyway. "Are you prepared to make enemies with all of the Gods?" "Dang, you're such a pain!" Buddha scoffed at Odin, pulling Y/N even closer to his side. "Remember what I said before? Whether you're allies or enemies, good or evil, Gods or Humans, none of that matters!" Buddha was glowing brightly with intense confidence. "In all universe, nothing else matters, except me!"

Such a narcissistic comment, added to the intense frustration of the Gods, made Y/N burst into laughter along with him. Two weirdos. "So, who am I fighting?"

The Seven Fortunes stepped into the arena and fused into a single deity. Vaisravana was no more, and instead, one called Zerofuku appeared. The Eight Gods of Fortune were actually a single entity. This Zerofuku guy was a real weirdo, even for their standards, and he confessed his intense wish to slaughter Buddha with all of his might, as he created his sinister weapons which got bigger and bigger the more misfortune he encountered.

Though Y/N didn't know of Zerofuku's past, he knew Buddha. He was able to take the misfortune of the humans into his own body, until he couldn't any more, only to receive discontempt and realise that those he tried to help were in no way less misfortunate than before. Material luxury and sinful indulgences did nothing to appease the soul. Instead, Zerofuku had to witness strings of people following Buddha in his path to Enlightenment. He got jealous, unable to understand his teachings - Yet somehow, no matter how cryptic or enigmatic Zerofuku found Buddha's words, the other people - Including those whom he helped previously - Began following the Awakened One close behind.

The more Zero attacked, the bigger his weapon grew, for Buddha could see the flickers of his soul and evade all the hits before they even happened. He was even taunting the God, intentionally or not, driving him into a mad frenzy. The few attacks that Buddha threw all landed with tremendous effect, earning cheers and applause from the audience.

Though he couldn't see Y/N reaction, Buddha was sure she was a worrying mess - That's her caring nature, after all - Yet seeing Zero's weapon growing as large as the whole arena, and him not moving from his spot, well - He feared she might be fainting on the spot, like a poor damsel in distress. Well, he'll just have to sweep her off her feet and protect her like the chevalier of light that he is!

Y/N knew, in theory, that Buddha's weapon transformed in each of the Six Paths identities depending on his emotions, and with his being a master at controlling his moods, he could form anything at will, more or less, so she wasn't all that surprised when the weapon transformed into a Shield to block the huge weapon. Still, she almost wished she could see all of the Paths.

Next, he used the Spiked Club of Nirvana, trembling to charge in an attack - And so he did, sweeping to the ground and causing lethal damage on the demon's side. The demon's weapon turned into two swords, to which Buddha made his weapon turn into a large halbert, easily countering every one of Zero's attacks. His misfortune was increasing, and his weapon turned into a multitude of hooks acting like snakes - He retaliated with a Vajra, running around and cutting them away to bits.

"Love yourself!" Buddha encouraged the poor demon. "I actually like you quite a lot, Zerofuku." that comment made the misfortunate one start sobbing and staring at the graceful God, shining brighter than the golden Sun. Zero's anger subsided and he finally understood who he really is, and what he wants from life. His weapon disappeared, and Buddha also threw his own to the ground, proposing an outright fist-fight. What a child, Y/N giggled, watching that playful smirk on his face as he intentionally allowed the pitiable demon to strike him back. Y/N could never image ever letting herself feel physical hurt just for fun - Alas, men were weird, and Buddha especially, was one of a kind.

Zerofuku was on the ground, sprawled, with all his misfortune and anger seeping out of his in a cloud. His purple hair turned pure white, and his blissful grin, that childlike innocence and glee were sparkling in his eyes. Buddha, also, was happy to have helped another worthy person achieve spiritual happiness - Until the horns on either side of his skull penetrated deep into his brain, worming their way inside his body. Zerofuku was engulfed by two dragons, one blue and one red. Buddha could do nothing to safe his new friend. Instead, he was forced to watch Zero disappearing, and a true evil appearing in his stead.

The Demon King of the Sixth Heaven, Papiyas, was reborn.

Buddha immediately leapt back, afraid for the first time, for there was a creature of pure darkness, whom he couldn't read. He hadn't an inkling of brightness in his soul which he could read. Y/N, like everyone else, was trembling from the sheer malevolence of the demon. Terrifying, Y/N ran in front of Buddha, standing protectively in front of him - She knew, if need be, her defense magic was second to none in Valhalla.

There goes this legend about a terrifying foe from Helheim - Hades told her this story once, dating before he was ruled of the Underworld - That this enemy destroyed half of the realm... Or rather, it was lucky enough that even half of it was left intact, to some degree.

Once Papiyas turned his arm into a weapon, Y/N summoned her polearm into her grasp, parrying the attack. The Gods all gasped - It has been thousands of years since they've seen the Goddess of Peace fight. In truth, it was only during the Titanomachy that she fought - To protect her Peace, one must go to War. It was an irony that she had to accept as a true axioma.

"H-Hey, Y/N, it's not your fight! Two people can't fight for a single side!" she heard Heimdall's shaky voice call out. "To hell with your rules, Heimdall! If this freak doesn't die, we're all screwed!" Y/N growled, struggling to push him back, counter and block all of his strikes that came at the speed of lightning. "If Zeus accepted the intervention of the Valkyries for all the other fights, then for goodness' sake, there's hardly any difference, is there?!" "I SHALL ALLOW IT!" Zeus' amused voice called out from the stands, as Y/N leapt back, just a step in front of Buddha. She was breathing heavily from the effort. "Siddhartha, stand back." her overprotectiveness was taking over her senses. "I will fight with my fullest power." Papiyas glared at the two. "THAT WAS YOU HOLDING BACK?!" Y/N cried out at him. "Gosh... Buddha, come over." quickly, Y/N placed a few flowers in his hair. "This will protect you from harm... I hope." she muttered the last bit, watching as Papiyas was preparing a drill-like strike called the Pandaemonium Cycle. Before she could react, Buddha dragged Y/N behind him, pulling his shield up - But the drill was capable of penetrating through it, gouging his left eye out.

"S...Siddhartha...?!" Y/N started, shuddering in distress at her lover's injury. He protected her, while he got his eye drilled into mush. "Don't worry about me, worry about that monster!" Buddha transformed his weapon into the sword away, engaging in an exchange of slashes that barely left a scar on the demon's neck. Buddha had to make adjustments to his attacks, because of his blindspot. fighting with one eye only as he was gradually being whittled down.

"Judgement." Papiyas smirked, impaling Buddha's foot, urging him to leap back once again. Y/N couldn't believe there were idiot Gods out there, begging for Buddha's death - Idiots. The Demon King pointed out Zerofuku was no more - He ate him - Shocking both Buddha and Y/N. What a monster, they thought, and the Enlightened one was feeling even more angered, enough to curse at him. "I've made up my mind. I'm gonna KILL YOU!" Y/N, nor anyone else, ever saw Buddha's wrath. Hopefully, it will serve him and humanity well. His staff transformed into the Hatred Emotion which created a weapon he's never seen before, the Warscythe of Salakaya, which had a menacing head of a roaring lion on it. "Preposterous." Papiyas spat. "For a piece of trash such as you, to defy a supreme being like me... I will waste no time passing judgement! And nothing could be more pleasant than that!" his laugh roared through the whole arena. "Stick that judgement up your ass, you sick fuck!" the audience gasped with the curse of the Goddess as Buddha attacked first with his blade, before unleashing an infernal fire towards the demon.

Blood spilled to the ground, though Buddha was the most confused of all. He was the one who initiated the attack, and it was his blade that cut away at Papiyas' arm. It was him who was supposed to get impaled by the enemy's weapon - So why the hell was Y/N standing before him like a meat shield, while he was unscathed?! "Y/N...?" his single remaining eye was wide with shock, staring at the blood splattering to the ground, and the soft tremble of her body. "The flower protected you." Y/N smiled weakly. "That is my happiness in life. Caring for those I hold dear to my heart." she giggled softly. "How pathetic. Any last words?" Papiyas grunted menacingly. "The whole world shall freeze over before I allow a pathetic little shit like you hurt my children. You, and all the Gods that oppose us - All who wish for mankind's erasure - I will fucking burn you all to death until there's nothing left of you to commemorate your wretched existence." Y/N smirked, grabbing Papiyas' arm and forcing herself through the weapon, sticking her own blade into his shoulder. That pissed the demon enough to kick her into the God behind her, toppling them to the ground. "Never do that again!" Buddha briefly scolded her. "Sorry, love, but I will do that, for as many times as my body keeps holding me. I am not strong, but I am resilient. It is you who can kill him, not me. If you are alive, we can win this. Together." Buddha got up, glaring angrily at the demon. "You have twice more, Siddhartha. That is my limit. After that, you're on your own. Use my power wisely." Buddha understood the implication well enough without any explanation - If he gets careless again, Y/N will die, protecting him. Similar to the story of the Moon Rabbit, so is she; Whilst the monkey, the fox and the bird gathered fruit, mean and nuts for the traveler to eat, the rabbit, knowing it could only gather some grass, threw itself into the fire for the man to eat him. Moved by the selflessness of the rabbit, the traveler, who was actually Sakra himself, made it so that the fire did not burn the rabbit, and instead, created the moon in its liking, and the fumes that would have burnt it, the fog surrounding it.

Still, Siddhartha did NOT want to see Y/N actually killing herself like that; Though an admirable and selfless act, he did not want to mourn her, the way he did Jataka long ago. He had to win. He MUST win.

"You're weak. Way weaker than Zero." Buddha taunted the Demon King into attacking him, and he parried all of his hits for as long as he could, before getting kicked away again. His continuing of the mocking caused the Demon King such rage, that he managed to find the perfect opening through his attack, impaling him again - Only, it wasn't him, but Y/N, much to Buddha's dismay. "Damn it, Y/N! Damn it, damn it, damn it!" he wanted to destroy the last flower in his hair, but he didn't have the strength. "One last chance, Siddhartha. Don't waste it." Y/N felt so weak as she got thrown away to the other side of the arena, rolling to the ground like a used ragdoll. "Y/N!" she heard her lover called out, afraid for her life - But as long as the flower of life was pulsating energy within him, he was reassured she was still alive and continuing to actively heal him.

Buddha continued his plan of mocking the enemy, causing him uncharacteristic fright, to the point that he tore off his arm to create a mighty weapon.

Buddha attacked again, though surprisingly, the blade of his Scythe got cut off and shattered to the ground. "Seriously...?!" he gasped, not having expected his Divine Treasure to break, of all things. He tried to defend with his staff, but that, too, broke, sending him away. He was sent to the ground, crashing down with such force that he couldn't move. "SIDDHARTHA!" Y/N cried, crawling to his side and holding him in her arms. She tried desperately to heal him, but he was unconscious, thus nothing she could do. As Papiyas was menacingly approaching, Y/N used her weapon to hoist herself up, creating a shield to protect the two until he woke up.

Thankfully, Buddha achieved enlightenment once again, and he got up, holding Zerofuku's old weapon. The crown holding his hair together shattered, and his gorgeous hair was shown for all to see. "Thank you, Y/N, Zero. Let's fight together, yes?" Y/N smiled sweetly, seeing him confident once again. "Yeah. Let's." despite her bloodloss, Y/N smiled, preparing her weapon. "Samavadhana Volundr!" Buddha and Zero together created a Divine Weapon that only Buddha could attaint through sublime enlightenment. A gorgeous and strong weapon, containing the strength and feelings of all the Gods of Fortune.

Ready to fight, Buddha kept up perfectly with the Demon King, parrying all of his attacks as strong as never before - And he was grinning, confident and self assured, even managing to inflict massive damage, at the cost of some minor injuries on himself. Still, he had to finish things fast, before either he or Y/N perish. He managed to slash away perfectly at his chest one again, though it wasn't as deep as he'd have liked. The climax was approaching fast. Y/N stepped by his side, holding his hand to transfer the last bit of energy into him, so he could keep going - At this rate, he'd only get more injuries, so at least he must keep his vitality and strength, for as long as it lasts. The one sided exchange of life that only Y/N could gift to another.

No matter how Papiyas continued to attack, Buddha was so fast and accurate that no more hit grazed him. The last ultimate attack of the Demon King - All thought landed, but instead, it was a clone, crumbling in an array of petals. Y/N grinned impishly, pointing behind him, as Buddha was ready to kill the foe.

Just as he turned, the last thing Papiyas saw was Buddha's Godly form, perfect beyond boundaries existent to Godhood, and the sword of light, love and compassion shined bright through the dark arena, slicing down the Demon King in two or three. different parts. It didn't matter that Papiyas tried to attack again, for Y/N slapped his hand away, watching as Niflheim was crumbling him to dust.

Somewhere in the sky, the light of heaven showed the happy soul of Zerofuku and the other Seven Gods of Fortune, ascending to Nirvana - Together, in friendship. Buddha couldn't contain his tears of glee, as he brought Y/N into his side, holding the sword dearly into his grasp. Everyone was chanting Buddha's name as he reveled in his win. The sword disappeared, but a bird that loved Zero sat on it, weeping for the loss of its benefactor.

Barely able to stand up, Buddha used all of his strength to drag Y/N out of the arena - Somehow, he was rather sure she was in a far worse shape than he was, having taken two direct hits like that. Not only that, but the refreshing feeling of the gentle caress that Y/N's energy felt, healing him, was keeping him very much alive and giddy. "You were so cool, Y/N. I didn't know you could do all that." Y/N smiled enigmatically. "They say true strength can be found when protecting that which is dearest to you. The truth is, Siddhartha, that I love you more than anything else is this world. You make me the happiest I've ever been." "Ha! Hear you, all sappy and sweet! Y'know you're gonna make me melt!" he cackled, pulling her into a gentle kiss, afraid of causing her more pain. "Let's get all better and continue rooting for humanity, yes? We've done all we could. The rest is their burden to bear - And I think they've done a pretty damn good job so far, don't you think?" "Hella." when she lost strength in her legs, Buddha immediately reacted, picking her up and cradling her in his arms like a princess. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you did that intentionally." he teased her, kissing her forehead. "If most of my blood was inside of me, and not out in the arena, it would have been intentional." she smirked back at him just as comically.

After getting the much required medical care, they continued watching the matches from the comfort of their chamber, laying on the comfortable, fluffy bed, cuddled in each other's arms. Y/N had tied his hair up again, and instead of his golden crown, she replaced it with one made of flowers. He, in return, caressed her hair until she relaxed completely, singing softly the Heart Sutra for her, for as long as it took for her to achieve a much needed peace.

All things are empty: Nothing is born, nothing dies, Nothing is pure, nothing is stained, Nothing increases and nothing decreases. So, in emptiness, there is no body, No feeling, no thought, No will, no consciousness.

There are no eyes, no ears, No nose, no tongue, No body, no mind. There is no seeing, no hearing, No smelling, no tasting, No touching, no imagining. There is nothing seen, nor heard, Nor smelled, nor tasted, Nor touched, nor imagined.

#record of ragnarok x reader #record of ragnarok imagine #record of ragnarok #buddha x reader #buddha imagine #buddha #buddha ror #ror buddha #record of ragnarok buddha #buddha record of ragnarok #buddha ror x reader #buddha ror imagine #siddhartha gautama #ror #ror x reader #ror imagine

[miley1442111]

I don't even know you anymore- s.reid

a/n: this is kind of short so sorry, also it is deeply sad because i clearly love hurting my own feelings :( intended for fem or male reader, so imagine what you like:)))))))))

summary: you anniversary should be a night between you and spencer, right?

pairing: spencer reid x reader

warnings: general angst, cheating and breaking up

It was a cold night. You were supposed to see a show but as usual, ‘something came up’. You had been working with Dr. Spencer Walter Reid for 4 years, 5 months and 3 days. You had been dating Dr. Spencer Walter Reid for 3 years, and 4 hours. It was your anniversary. You walked up the stairs to your shared apartment, ready for a night of feeling sorry for yourself and eating a sad, lonely dinner. You had sent your tickets to see ‘The Mousetrap’ to Jj, she said Will and her would go instead since Spencer had ‘something to do’. You couldn’t help but feel dejected and unimportant. Why wouldn’t he tell you what he’s doing? Why didn’t he call you back? You tried to push those thoughts out of your head as you turned the key to your apartment and walked inside. Inside,you saw Spencer and you saw Jj. Jj and Spencer were kissing. Your boyfriend was kissing someone else. Your boyfriend was kissing the woman he had a crush on for years. 

Fuck.

“Am I interrupting something?” You said, bitterness punctuating every word. You dropped the groceries on the counter as they pulled apart, Jj looking nervous and Spencer looking… upset? Is that the right way to put it? Like a child that broke something after being told not to touch it. 

“It’s not what it looks like-” Jj started. 

“Yes, yes it is. You two were kissing, and I really don’t fucking care who kissed who, I just want you to get out of my house.”

Jj starts to gather her things and Spencer stands there, looking down. 

“That includes you Spencer,” You smiled sourly as he looked up and stared at you. “Maybe you two can catch a show? I already sent you the tickets for tonight. Have fun!” 

“Please-” Spencer started, tears in his eyes. 

“No. You made your fucking bed, lay in it.” He went to touch your arm, “Don’t touch me,” You spat out, he retracted his hand.

“Just, let him explain it, please,” Jj pleaded as she left your apartment. 

You walked back to the kitchen and started putting the groceries away. “So that was what you were busy doing? Didn’t realise you thought so little of me.” 

He touched your arm to stop your movements and you stared at him. He’s crying, like you’re the one who’s hurt him. “Please,” He begged. “Just listen to me.”

You scoffed but nodded, allowing him to continue. 

“She texted me saying she was in trouble… so I went to find her. She said she’d been mugged outside the club like a block away, so I went to find her. I know now that she hadn’t been but she just asked to come back here, and ‘calm down’ so I let her. We came inside, then she started saying all this weird stuff about how me and her were ‘meant to be’ or something. I shut her down immediately and she just kissed me and then…” 

“But you didn’t stop her from kissing you,” You sighed, allowing the hurt he’s caused to be shown. 

“What? She had just kissed me-”

“Spencer I’m not stupid, your hair is ruffled, so is your shirt, and you have her lipstick on your lips. Don’t try to lie to me about this. I’m a profiler, remember?”

He looked down, ashamed. Then he wiped his lips. “I’m sorry.”

“I am too.” 

He looked up, alarmed, his hands holding your waist in place so you couldn’t move. “What?”

“Spencer, I don’t trust you. I can’t. I don’t know who you are anymore.”

His face broke, a tear falling down his cheek. “Please, I’m begging you, I love you.”

“Spencer, get your hands off me,” You sighed. “Just let me go.”

“Please. I’m begging you-”

“Spencer! Enough, just stop!” You pushed his hands off of you. “Have you not done enough?!” 

“Please-” You moved past him and went to your bedroom, locking the door behind you. You lay in bed, thinking about how you’ll deal with this. You didn’t want to break up with Spencer. But you just couldn’t trust him anymore.

#criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds fic #criminal minds x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x reader #doctor spencer reid #criminal minds fandom #dr spencer reid #criminal minds fanfic #bau team

[blackkatmagic]

If it's alright, I am really interested in those Screenshots! (Referrering to the Tusken-Jedi post). Thank you for the explanation and the context! Just hearing how A'Sharad has been handled makes me sad. And it's even more bitter once one thinks about how other jedi are allowed to keep their culture and don't have to decide. Also really, how has Dark Woman made it so far. How.

(For context, this is their first meeting right after Ki-Adi-Mundi gets attacked by a krayt dragon and Sharad's band of Tuskens kills it - specifically A'Sharad does, as a rite of passage.)

(Ki-Adi-Mundi gets asked a lot to put his filter mask back on so the Tuskens will be more comfortable around him.)

(This is. after Ki-Adi-Mundi knows that Sharad Hett has been training his son among the Tuskens for at least a decade?? Idk what the line of reasoning was here.)

And then immediately after A'Sharad steps into this fight and stops it by throwing people away with the Force:

And then as a bonus, the Dark Woman training A'Sharad after Sharad's death. The first one is during the spar, after he's landed a hit on her. The second and third are several minutes after, when A'Sharad makes a comment about how he was holding back because she wasn't his enemy. Also, immediately after her sucker-punching his padawan, Ki-Adi-Mundi jumps in with "yeah she has a point", which. uh, yikes:

If you have any more specific panels you want to see, let me know! My Marvel subscription needs to be good for something, ha.

#kat reads comics #kat answers #a'sharad hett #sharad hett #ki adi mundi #dark woman #star wars

[halloweenfrills]

Into Love: A Star Trek Tale (part 1)

It's always love, isn't it?...

That human emotion that goes so deep it cuts to the core of every being, even one like me.

As I lie here asleep, my brain function the strongest it's ever been, it's love that's keeping everything firing. Although sometimes the bad memories take over the good ones, making them dance away as the pain love can cause rips me open all over again.

Those screams...

Poor, human, desperate screams.

The kind of screams love can cause.

I can't help but feel like I'm not supposed to be here, although I am. Experiment number 3725, Khan, a mix of human and alien genetics created in part by Arik Soong with a team of others in hopes of a superhuman race to aid in wars against anyone who opposes the Federation. I'm created to fight better, think better, to kill better, superior in all ways. That's what they're hoping for.

Currently experiments are ongoing, myself being chosen now to be in a human setting, on Earth, simply to see if I can exist among them, a tracker hidden under the skin in my neck monitoring my every reaction to the setting.

I should slouch more as opposed to the stiff posture I always used while among these carefree beings, mostly human, drinking and laughing and trying to forget their stress and woes in this bar. Shifting in my seat, I ran my finger along the glass of the beer bottle I kept close, watching the condensation gather under my finger, making my posture mirror what I was seeing around me.

It was too easy, reading everyone that was gathered in this bar. The bartender who just wanted the night to end, the couple who shouldn't be together because they each had a mate that was oblivious to the fact they were here, the man in the corner who was too anxious to speak to the woman across the room. And then there was her...

Love.

That is her name because that is what I call her.

Called her...

Call...?

No matter where I looked my eyes kept finding her, landing, observing the situation. Sometimes when she smiled, obviously out with a group of friends, the gesture didn't quite touch her eyes, a sadness lurking underneath that she was trying to keep hidden. It was probably due to the Vulcan sitting across from her, the male sitting almost as stiff as I was, something that would never return the affection she was so willingly wanting to give.

This time I picked up my bottle and took a drink, the bitter taste coating my tongue that I swallowed down. Was her drink bitter? Probably not, she's had two now which flushed her cheeks, making the crooked smattering of freckles dissappear into the redness. So human. So imperfect. Vulnerable.

But, every being in here was vulnerable to me, unaware, and too stupid to know what I was and what I could do.

She moved, getting up from her group of friends, my eyes catching a glimpse of her dark brown hair bouncing to the rhythm of her walking and I decided it was time for me to move too. No doubt they were tracking how my heart rate began an exciting uneven beat as my steps were slow in tracking where she went, a feeling of excitement coming to my senses.

Just outside the bathroom doors she was standing, shoulders slightly slumped, and I picked up on the sound of crying. I should say something... My lips parted, searching for words but she turned around, a bit of surprise coming across her sad expression, "Mm, sorry-", she apologizes and my hands raise as if to say it's okay. Being this close, shr smells sweet, maybe it's just the alcohol she had, but something tells me it's her. I wasn't sure what to do about the tears that were coming from her green eyes, seeing them streak down her flushed face. I still haven't spoke yet but because she was crying I thought it was a good idea to wrap my arms around her, to hug her, being careful of my own strength as if I was embracing glass. Almost immediately she began to push back, half stumbling away from me, this silent stranger who suddenly embraced her in the back of a bar.

I let her go, my arms already feeling empty as she looked up at me, confused, drink clouding her mind while I watched her stare through her tears. "I'm sorry-I don't know why...", I began my own apology, "You look like you need saving." I was right, I saw that sadness, I saw this raw human emotion right in front of me now, and I saw how she longed for the Vulcan male.

Watching her lips part, I made no move to leave the moment and neither did she. "You're right.", she finally says, shaking her own head at her admittance, almost chuckling at it, how pathetic it seemed.

"I can save you.", I offer, coming closer, close enough to feel her human warmth, to know how soft her skin would be. This wasn't what I was designed for, this tenderness, but I was falling in love at first sight, a human phrase I find to be true.

She blinked, the last of her tears falling down her cheeks as she closed the space between us, getting on her toes as she pressed her lips to mine. Feeling her kiss me awoken something, our arms now reaching to pull us together as we kissed as strangers, my arms holding her drunken body to mine.

It was now that I discovered another way I was genetically superior, even designed to fuck better, the tracker picking up the rhythm of my accelerated heart as I gave into that male need and desire to claim something as my own and I choose her. I choose Love.

That night in her bed as we connected, my hands careful yet leaving greedy red splotches on her skin everywhere I grabbed, I felt like this was were I belonged, inside of her, making her feel every human pleasure she could experience. I watched in fascination as she fell over the edge, panting and begging for more as I felt myself chasing my own pleasure, over and over inside of her. That's how we spent the night, tangled together in human passion.

That night, myself, Khan, experiment number 3725, I found love.

#halloween frills #star trek #star trek fanfiction #khan #benedict cumberbatch #benedict cumberbatch fanfic #star trek into darkness #Spotify

[noodles-n-soba]

Till dawn

Scenario: Donna is quite bothersome, since you too have a crush on the richest person in Mondstadt, Diluc. :)

Characters: Diluc, you

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Masterlist

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

It had been a busy day for you, helping out tons of people who needed assistance in some kind of way. Mining new ores for Wagner, delivering goods to the Angel's share.. And your last task was gathering flowers for Flora's flowershop.

You weren't someone who rared to go gathering such things, you were an adventurer who preferred fighting against the abyss order.. Not a flowerperson.

But, because they really commissioned someone to gather flowers in a dangerous area.. You did it. 'I'm back..' You announced, walking around with a giant basket of flowers. Flora looked up as she yawned, you have been going all night.. But for the little girl it was her first hour of the day. '(Y/n)! That basket is full.. I'm so grateful.' You unloaded the carrier off your back, placing it right in front of Flora. 'I just did my job. Heh.' You answered with a broad smile.

'Ah! (Y/n)...!'  You immediately turned your head around to face the one who just called out to you.. And to your bitter hope, it was that one girl who you claimed to be your enemy. Maybe enemy was a tad too extreme, but you just thought she was the most annoying woman in whole Mondstadt. You had been literally everywhere, from Mondstadt to Liyue and from Liyue to Inazuma.. But never ever had you found someone so incredibly irritating as that girl who always stood behind Flora.. Literally every hour.

Donna.

Your patience was big, as an adventurer that surely was needed.. But she to be specific, was the one that really got your blood pumping. Glad people didn't knew that you actually despised someone.. What kind of good hearted adventurer would you be if they knew that you actually didn't like someone. 'Hello.' You answered as short as possible.. Your eyes glittered in the sunlight and your smile was as beautiful as always, but deep down you felt resentment.  'Sorry to ask, but have you seen Diluc?' With hands folded together she held them against her chest, sighing dreamily and stared up to the sky. There you have it.. The exact thing that milked all that sweet patience out of you.

"Oh (y/n)! Have you seen Diluc?" "is Diluc still running the night shift at the Pub?" "All I can think about is Diluc~!"

'I haven't.' You grunted, trying to sound as friendly as you could… But that was hard. 'Ah.. I see, how sad. I wanted to see him very badly! It's quite a nice night, isn't it?' She smiled to you, you forced a meaningless smile on your face to return the gesture. 'Yeah. It's a nice night for sure.' You made an 180 degree turn, walking away as quickly as you came. 'A-Ah! Wouldn't you like to have a drink at the pub?' She waved to you, but you shrugged your shoulders. 'I have loads to do Donna, can't come for a drink. Am sorry.' Afterwards you raised your hand as a goodbye and left the place. You couldn't deny that you too were as cringy as the flower shop assistant.. Never had your childhood crush on Diluc left. The two of you were best friends since you were toddlers, you knowing his dad before he passed away.

Happy that Donna would stay right on her spot like always, you avoided every gaze and made a detour around the flower shop to go outside the city and head to the Dawn Winery.

For some reason you knew the exact hours that Diluc would be there, and this time you were also right. The lights were on, that you saw through the windows. You knocked and opened the door, entering the Dawn Winery. 'I knew it would be you. Only you would knock on the door and let yourself in.' You never really took his comments too serious, and he knew you thought about it like that. 'Of course! Why should you stand up to let me in oh dear Diluc.' You walked towards his desk and sat down on it while he finished signing some papers. 'Very thoughtful (Y/N), though, I know that you tend to do this because you think you're such an individual soul..' He answered, looking up from his paperwork and stared you directly into the eyes. Your heart skipped a beat while you tried swallowing, Diluc sighed and flashed a soft smile to you. Even though you didn't let him notice, you were absolutely FANGIRLING from the inside.. Screaming out all kinds of words and even cursing Donna that Diluc smiled to you, while he absolutely avoided HER. HEH- 'Ah. I forgot. Donna was asking for you, again.' You brought out with a light pout, Diluc rolled his eyes. 'Ah, yeah. That girl. I'm not interested in her whatsoever to be honest. She kind of annoys me.' You couldn't believe your ears, did he really just say that!?

'Same! Like why is she asking for you all the time..' Once you realized what you just said, you gulped nervously. 'I mean! That's the only thing she asks me you know!? Like I don't have any other business to attend to..?' A blush settled on your face, scratching the back of your neck as you smiled to the red haired man. 'She does? If she keeps on bothering you, I'll let one of my men handle it.. I wouldn't want you to be bothered too much by her.' Diluc offered, tapping his pen against the table. Your heart couldn't handle this for ONE bit, he was so protective! You absolutely LOVED this.

'Would you? If it wouldn't hurt your reputation.. Yes please.' You pleaded and clasped your hands together, Diluc hummed. 'Sure. My interest lays with another person anyways you know, I think I haven't told you that yet. As my best friend or whatever you call it nowadays, I think you should know this.' The mood turned from one-hundredth to zero real quick, your heart pounding in your throat as your eyes were widened. 'Eh?! Wait, you have a person!?' You asked him.

Diluc softly chuckled, even more surprised and startled you hopped off the table and stood right in front of him, hands leaning on the desk. 'Not yet, (Y/n), but do not fret. They're more near to me than you'll ever expect..'

#Diluc #diluc x you #diluc x y/n #diluc x reader #genshin #genshin x you #genshin x reader #genshin impact #diluc fluff #diluc imagines #diluc headcanons #master diluc #diluc fics #fanfic #genshin fanfics #genshin fluff #genshin writing #fic

[vickyvicarious]

"Oh, Justine! forgive me for having for one moment distrusted you. Why did you confess? But do not mourn, my dear girl; I will every where proclaim your innocence, and force belief. Yet you must die; you, my playfellow, my companion, my more than sister. I never can survive so horrible a misfortune."

"Dear, sweet Elizabeth, do not weep. You ought to raise me with thoughts of a better life, and elevate me from the petty cares of this world of injustice and strife. Do not you, excellent friend, drive me to despair."

"I will try to comfort you; but this, I fear, is an evil too deep and poignant to admit of consolation, for there is no hope. Yet heaven bless thee, my dearest Justine, with resignation, and a confidence elevated beyond this world. Oh! how I hate its shews and mockeries! when one creature is murdered, another is immediately deprived of life in a slow torturing manner; then the executioners, their hands yet reeking with the blood of innocence, believe that they have done a great deed. They call this retribution . Hateful name! When that word is pronounced, I know greater and more horrid punishments are going to be inflicted than the gloomiest tyrant has ever invented to satiate his utmost revenge. Yet this is not consolation for you, my Justine, unless indeed that you may glory in escaping from so miserable a den. Alas! I would I were in peace with my aunt and my lovely William, escaped from a world which is hateful to me, and the visages of men which I abhor."

Justine smiled languidly. "This, dear lady, is despair, and not resignation. I must not learn the lesson that you would teach me. Talk of something else, something that will bring peace, and not increase of misery."

1818 edition

"Oh, Justine! forgive me for having for one moment distrusted you. Why did you confess? But do not mourn, my dear girl. Do not fear. I will proclaim, I will prove your innocence. I will melt the stony hearts of your enemies by my tears and prayers. You shall not die! —You, my playfellow, my companion, my sister, perish on the scaffold! No! no! I never could survive so horrible a misfortune."

Justine shook her head mournfully. "I do not fear to die," she said; "that pang is past. God raises my weakness, and gives me courage to endure the worst. I leave a sad and bitter world; and if you remember me, and think of me as one unjustly condemned, I am resigned to the fate awaiting me. Learn from me, dear lady, to submit in patience to the will of Heaven!"

1831 edition

.

This, the largest difference between the two editions this chapter (except the very end, where 1818 Elizabeth is reassured by Justine's conversation and Victor calls himself a wretch while 1831 Victor announces Justine's death immediately after her final line, then goes on for several paragraphs describing their failed entreaties on her behalf and grief afterwards - something I suspect may be folded into the start of the next chapter in the original version). And it's another very interesting edit to me in how it changes the characterization of those involved.

Starting right at the beginning, 1818 Elizabeth is already grieving and hopeless. She says she will "force belief. Yet you must die"; not believing her own assurances any longer than it takes to say them. She's getting caught up in her own grief for having lost Justine while the woman still stands in front of her. 1831 Elizabeth, in contrast, is in denial. She doesn't plan to force belief, but to beg and pray, and insists it will work because she can't bear the thought that it won't. She speaks of Justine's death as a terrible looming possibility, but not a decided fact ("I never can/could survive so horrible a misfortune." 1818/1831)

1831 Justine is resigned already. She faces her death bravely and uses the lens of religion to frame her coming execution as an end to suffering. She emphasizes submitting to the will of Heaven, echoing Elizabeth's own language of begging and praying - both are more passive in this later version.

In 1818, Elizabeth and Justine both know there truly is nothing to be done. But neither are initially resigned to it. Elizabeth is furious, going off on a long rant about the injustice of the situation despite Justine asking her for comfort. She can tell her that she hopes Justine is blessed with resignation (something 1831 Justine apparently has from the start) but Elizabeth's thoughts are constantly drawn back to the lack of hope for any saving grace, to the point that she proclaims she would prefer to die herself than to helplessly witness such men in power. Justine has to lightly scold her that this isn't helping either of them, that this is despair talking.

1818 certainly does end the chapter with Elizabeth feeling more reassured (saying "my heart is lightened" and "I am consoled" now that she knows Justine is innocent) versus the abrupt whiplash of despair in 1831 (literally going "'...be happy, and make others so.' And on the morrow Justine died."). And sure, in both versions Justine ends up being the one to comfort her friends by claiming them knowing of her innocence is enough for her. But the overall effect of this changed passage makes the 1818 version far more effective for me.

Elizabeth isn't naive or in denial. She understands the kind of world in which she lives. She knows the limits of the power she has. And her dearest friend, her "more than sister" (vs. just "sister" in 1831) is suffering for a crime she did not commit, for the murder of someone almost like her own son. Elizabeth loses it, she gets mad, she wishes she were dead, she can't offer proper consolation – it's all so much messier than the innocent denial of 1831 Elizabeth, and it brings her to life as more of a person as a result. The dialogue with Justine saying that's not comfort, try again, so vividly brings to mind a much closer relationship for me as well as a model of how they may have talked together, vs. saintly Justine of 1831. They both seem more watered down in the later version, more idealized and thus less real.

And, notably, taking away this passage greatly minimizes the emphasis on injust/inadequate systems that is so prevalent throughout the entire chapter. It's not just a lack of proof, it's people who look on Justine as being risen above her station and greedy despite that. It's an eagerness to assign and then punish otherness as monstrosity. It's the court of popular opinion in which Justine's honesty and inability to speak prettily prejudices others further against her. It's the joy of punishment, of exacting "retribution" as Elizabeth so clearly calls out - patting themselves on the back as they turn their backs on Justine's friendship, as they force a false confession out of her, as they punish someone else to feel better about themselves.

All these themes directly relate to the Creature, whose act of punishing an innocent to revenge himself on someone else will become fully apparent later. They apply to Victor too, with his immediate and proofless certainty of the Creature's guilt mirroring the general reaction to Justine. But even outside this specific instance, they resonate with the breakdown of larger communities/systems so prevalent throughout the rest of the book. Societal, school, family, and legal systems are all shown to have flaws or be generally lacking in ways that contribute to help worsen the situation or shape the kinds of people who can't help but further their own misery, with a recurring emphasis on isolation and perception.

Even/especially those people who see what is going on are powerless to change the public perception. They're left isolated with no recourse. And so we have Justine suffering with only two people who know/believe her story, Elizabeth raging at the injustice of it all, while in the very same room sits Victor privately thinking about how he's worse off because he knows even more of the story and can't tell anyone since they won't believe him, leaving him even more isolated than they are. And they all know (or think they know, in Victor's case, a perhaps self-fulfilling prophecy) they can't change the situation, can't prevent the inevitable death and suffering on the horizon. All they can do is wait... to die, to lose someone, or to spot an opportunity to seek their own retribution, thus continuing the cycle.

#frankenstein weekly #frankenstein meta #elizabeth lavenza #justine moritz #victor frankenstein #my meta #1818 vs 1831

[dangermousie]

Lost You Forever ep 37

There are a lot of things going on in this ep but one of them is XY finding it a lot harder to let go than she thought it would be. Her immediate reaction to Jing's family mess was to cut him off and it was pure self-preservation on her part - I mean, she didn't even think to let Jing know his supposedly demure fiancee was an assassin for hire by fifth and seventh kings, which was not only a safety issue but something that may have helped him to break off the engagement before the pregnancy and maybe even after, because she really did not want to fight for him. And it was because she wants to protect her heart at all costs. But I think she is learning that being passive and waiting to be pursued and detaching when there is trouble didn't actually result in self-preservation. She is still hurt and she still hasn't gotten over him (so perhaps fighting would have been worth it, because not fighting led not to indifference but to pain.) And Jing really does look like a ghost and then he sees her and he's in pain if at least marginally more alive but he's just so beaten down.

One thing hasn't changed - he still is on it like a hawk at the first sign of her in trouble.

I do love how often he's depicted as a supplicant - on his knees in front of her.

When she comes to and withdraws her hand and you can see him trying his damnedest not to cling and failing...

If you want to switch up the flavors of misery have CX, and my heart breaks for him here utterly, as he's marrying a woman he does not love or even know, to solidify his position and to protect XY. It is not any different than when he was pretending to be a playboy chasing those random women and hating it so much - I remember his telling XY he hated their smell and here he is, with another woman and this time forever.

His face in that last cap- I just want to cry. Did I mention that CX is my favorite male character now? He is digging his own grave as determinedly and as knowingly as XL and ouch ouch ouch ouch. By following her insane "romantic love above all" credo, his mother (who literally committed suicide to be with her dead husband instead of raising her freaking small child who was surrounded by sharks!) made sure her son will never even have a chance at love.

The bit with Jing watching XY with XL and this time all he can do is watch in silent despair because he has no right? Ouch ouch ouch.

When he walks into the feast room, he really looks like he can barely lift his feet and it's a miracle he does not trip over the threshold and collapse.

(Oh, the bitter irony since this is applicable to both CX and Jing.)

The chemistry between them is insane and I was rooting for them to kiss (sorry Jing, I still root for you!) but of course he won't let it. XL is determined to march on to his death for his cause and is shutting down any hope/part of him that wants to instead seek love and the future - by lashing out or avoidance or just shutting things down. It's pretty horrifying tbh. They are all so traumatized.

If even Rich Jesus is rolling his eyes at you, you know you fucked up. (I am so sad she didn't live to see the fallout!)

I "love" granny being sooo excited to see the spawn of satan, completely not caring that her supposed beloved grandson (who she drugged into this!) looks like the walking dead.

The fact that he still mourns for the old monster when she keels over - I could never but then this is the gentleness that XY fell for and that had the patience to woo her. Everything has plusses and minuses.

PS I loved this bit so much. She can't let go, can she? The empress of denial and moving on is incapable. How can anyone argue after stuff like this that she doesn't love him?

#cdrama #yang zi #deng wei #zhang wanyi #lost you forever

[pensat-i-fet]

The Journalist’s Footballer- Chapters Thirteen and Fourteen (Rúben Dias)

Word count: 2013

Chapter 13:

Rúben

Christina and I use our walk to talk about our childhoods. Growing up in Portugal and London is very different and I’m fascinated by some of her stories. 

“I still didn’t know how to swim when we moved to Brighton because I went to one class and a boy pushed me in the pool and scared me. But if you think that stopped me from getting in the sea after an argument with my sister, you’ll be mistaken”, she says laughing.

“But if you didn’t know how to swim, you could have drowned?”, I say, somehow worried about her even though she’s standing next to me

“Oh, it was terrible. I was a tiny little thing too, so the first wave I saw covered me completely. But my dad was by my side immediately and took me out of the water. The next time we went to the beach he made it his mission to teach me how to swim and then they couldn’t get me out of the water”.

“That’s quite the story”, I say, laughing at the image of mini Christina causing so much chaos.

“Well, I’m a fascinating woman. What can I say?”

Yes, you are.

After I get her the coffee I had promised, we find a bench to sit on and carry on talking. Until her phone rings.

“It’s Matty”, she says, and I can see the hope in her face.

“Answer it, I’ll wait here”.

“Hey”, I hear her say when she is leaving. She’s not too far, but far enough to make it hard for me to hear.

I want her to fix this. Not just because I don’t really see Matty as competition, but because I can see how much she’s hurting because of him. 

“I…I can’t”, I hear her say. “I’m in Manchester right now”.

I brace myself for the reaction to those words.

She turns to look at me and says “yes, I am with him”.

I can see in her eyes that she’s also getting ready for his reaction.

Christina

“Hey, how are you?”, I ask Matty, relieved to see he’s the one willing to talk.

“I’m ok. I was just thinking about you and how I’ve been an absolute dick”.

“Yeah, well. I won’t deny that”, I say with a sad laugh. “Matty, I get your reaction but you have also been incredibly unfair to me”.

“I know. And I want to fix it”.

“I want to fix it too. I hate being mad at you”.

He takes a second to talk again.

“How about we meet today? We can have some lunch, maybe go to a movie. And just pretend nothing happened”.

It’s not the first time he does this. When it’s him messing up, we forget and move on. When it’s me messing up, there are comments about it until the end of time. I ignore it, though. My will to make things right is stronger but…well, he didn’t want any lies. So here we go.

“I…I can't. I’m in Manchester”.

“In Manchester. Are you…with Rúben?”

I turn to look at Ruben, who is still sitting on the bench, looking at me. “Yes, I am with him”.

I turn away again and walk a little bit further. “But it’s not what you are imagining”.

“Let me guess”, he says with a bitter tone. “He invited you to his match”.

“Yes, he did. He’s going to be gone with the team most of the time I’m here, and I’ll go see his match tomorrow”.

I only hear his laugh, but it’s not the Matty laugh I love, it’s full of sarcasm. “Matty…”

“Did the invitation to his match also come with an invitation to his bed?”

“What the fuck, Matty? Are you serious?”, I say, not being able to believe what he is saying.

“Well, you’ll have to pay for that ticket, right?”

I can’t believe this is my Matty. The one that hugged me and stroked my hair when I cried because I thought I wasn’t going to be able to pay next week’s rent on time. The one who offered to help me find the professor I couldn’t contact to get a good reference for a job. That Matty is not this Matty.

“You don’t mean that”, I say, giving him the chance to take it all back.

“I do”.

“So…that’s what you are doing? The moment you think you have lost me for another guy, who I’m not even involved with no matter what you say, you turn on me? I guess Sarah was right”.

“I don’t believe anything you say anymore, Christina”, he says, not even listening to what I’m saying.

“Was it all a lie, then? All the months pretending to be my friend and pretending that you gave a shit about me?”

When he doesn’t answer I raise my voice, I don’t care who hears it. “Tell me, Matthew! Was it all a fucking lie?”

“Maybe I was just trying to get in your pants like Rúben is”, he says and hangs up.

I’m stuck in place. I can’t even move from how much his words have hurt me. I don’t care if he just said those things because he was hurt. I don’t care if he meant them or not. Now there really is no turning back. 

“Christina?”

Rúben’s voice gets me out of my state and I turn to look at him. 

“Come here”, he says, opening his arms so I can hug him. I close my eyes, refusing to let the tears fall for someone who hurt me like this. But I don’t know how long I’ll be able to manage it.

Chapter 14:

Rúben

I see Christina stop moving and I assume hanging up the phone because she lets the arm holding the phone fall to her side. But she doesn’t move from there. She’s completely still.

I give her a couple of minutes to recover from whatever it is Matty told her until I can’t wait any longer.

“Christina”, I say when I reach her. And when she turns to face me, I can see the tears in her eyes, threatening to fall. Whatever was said, it wasn’t good. “Come here”, I say, opening my arms so I can comfort her in some way.

“This might be a very stupid question but are you ok?”

When she lifts her head to look at me, I can see the pain in her eyes. She simply shakes her head.

“Let’s go home”.

I take her hand and lead her back home. We don’t talk during the 15 minutes it takes to walk from the park to my apartment, but I squeeze her hand every couple of minutes to let her know I’m there. 

I hate that I only have two more hours before going to training. She needs me here, not leaving her alone in a place she barely knows. 

When we get home, she excuses herself to go to her room. And I stand outside not knowing what to do. Until I hear the whimpers and I can’t wait any longer. I open the door and sit next to her on the bed to hug her.

“He said the most horrible things to me”, she says in such a low voice I barely hear her.

But I hear her, and it only makes me angrier at that fucking Matty. Who is he to hurt her like this?

“If he did, then he’s not worth having you as a friend”, I say, kissing the top of her head.

When she finally calms down, she gets out of my embrace to wipe the tears from her face.

“I’m sorry. This isn’t what you need before a match. Or ever”, she laughs sadly. “You probably didn’t expect this when you invited me”.

“I had no expectations, Christina. I didn’t invite you to entertain me. I did it because you needed a break from London. And, I mean, it’s clearer now that it was good for you to stay away from that place”.

She looks at me for a long moment, as if she wanted to say something. But she only thanks me.

I get up needing to put some distance between us before I do something stupid.

“I need to leave in an hour. Do you need me to do something for you?”, I ask her.

“Can I go to your training?”, she says, surprising me. I expected anything but that. 

“I…I don’t know. They don’t let the press inside the training ground. But I guess I could ask…”, I say, thinking who I could ask. “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

“It’s the first thing that came to my mind”, she laughs. “I don’t know why”.

“Ok, give me a second”, I say going to my room.

“Hello?”

“John. I need your help”.

“With what? Rúben, we are going to see each other at training in an hour, why are you waking me up asking for help”, he says, yawning.

“You were sleeping?”

“Keep your judgment to yourself, will ya?”

“Christina wants to come to our training”, I say before he hangs up.

“Why?”

“It’s a long story”, I said, not wanting to share any personal details with him.

“Will it help you get together with her?”

Is John feeling like a matchmaker all of a sudden?

“Yes. It will”.

“Ok, bring her with you but don’t make any promises. I think I know how to do this”.

Christina

“Maybe this was a bad idea”, I say, realising what I’m asking of him. “I don’t want to get you into trouble”.

“You won’t”, he says. “The worst that can happen is that they say no and you have to take a taxi home”.

I laugh. Why do I get these weird ideas in my head sometimes?

We finally get to the training ground and see John Stones waiting outside of his car.

“Hi, I’m John”, he says, offering his hand.

“Hi, I’m Christina. Nice to meet you”, I say, shaking his hand. “Rúben tells me you might be able to get me to watch the training session”.

“Well, yes. But remember it was him who asked me to find a solution so technically it’s all thanks to him. I’m just a little helper”.

I frown at him while Rúben tells him to shut up.

“Good morning, Tom”, says John to City’s media director Tom. “You know Christina, don’t you?”

“I do. Hi!”

“Hi, Tom. It’s nice seeing you”, I say.

“What are you doing here?”, he asks me.

“Well”, says John. “Christina wants to see our training”.

“John, you know the press isn’t allowed at training”.

“I know, but Christina isn’t the press today. She’s a guest!”, he’s smooth, I’ll give him that.

“She’s always the press as long as she works as a journalist. No exceptions!”, says Tom, making me realize how much of a silly idea this was.

“Well”, starts John again, “you know the channel she works for. They don’t use training information for any of the content they do. Plus, she is willing to leave her phone here with you to prove she won’t be recording anything”.

Am I willing to do that? 

“Will you do that?”, asks Tom.

“Sure”, I say. “As John says, I’m just a guest”, I add, showing my little lanyard.

Tom sighs. “Ok. But don’t make me regret it”.

“I won’t”, I say with a big smile.

I turn to look at Rúben, who didn’t get himself involved in the conversation.

“Thank you”

“I just hope you don’t get too bored of seeing us. You can leave at any time, I won’t be offended”, he says.

“I would be offended by that!”, says John. “I worked hard to get you this immense privilege”.

I laugh at that. “I’ll stay until the end, don’t worry”.

“We better go, John. Or the gaffer won’t be happy”, says Rúben, checking his phone.

“Follow me, Christina”, says Tom.

“Yeah”, I tell him. “Bye guys”, I say giving them a little wave.

#ruben dias #footballer x reader #ruben dias fluff #ruben dias imagine #ruben dias x reader #footballer imagine

[septicmomma]

A Master in Mourning:

What I love about this Master is that he's totally aimless, after having his entire identity upended, he has no idea what to do with himself. He’s literally born out of self-destruction. Utterly ruled by spite and hatred, which comes to define this specific incarnation.

I view Dhawan’s more manic moments in an attempt of masking self-control. He only fully lets loose of his lunacy when he thinks he’s winning. (Plane scene, Rasputin dance, Cybermaster catwalk) entering a showmanship style fit of self-aggrandizing. In spite of that, there’s still a deepened sadness buried beneath.

Even the Master invoking past pleasantries isn't just reminiscence for the sake of it, he requires that sense of normalcy their dynamic formerly ascribed to regain his sense of control. His ability to conceive a future based on the patterns of the past are gone, they can’t help but continually judge their present negatively in order to reaffirm their identification with the past. You can’t use the typical Doctor/Master semantics in this case because this Master no longer views that as their current dynamic, he’s someone who’s actions are informed by how TTC reflects on his entire sense of self, it’s not simply speaking to their base level traits.

 Even when plainly asked what he wants there are a few seconds of hesitation as if he himself doesn’t know. He’s searching, he needs confirmation from the Doctor of what and who he is. Even killing which usually comes second nature to him, he does it out a sense to feel purposeful “it’s like…how would I describe it? knowing I’m in the right place, doing what I was made for” and yet, he’s never looked more sullen and hallow than in those scenes.

 There’s an obvious undeniable shift from having previous Doctors refer to a man as 'The Master' to having a woman doing it, but that’s purposeful It’s supposed to feel uncomfortable. Their most quoted phrase is quite literally “I am the Master and you will obey me” they’re an inherently violatory character. He wants to see the Doctor helpless and degraded, it’s a total power play. He desires affirmation in the context of his identity being upended, so he falls back into old habits to regain that sense of control.

 13 is also clearly not nervous or passive during it. She's rolling her eyes with a dismissive "can you believe this guy" kind of look. she's still able to maintain her agency given a few moments later she's regained control of the situation, chastising him about his lack of control over the Kassavin. Seconds later he immediately kneels down next to her, putting them on the same level. Despite his posturing, he's still desperate for her attention, and once he has the Doctor calling him "Master" he's so emotionally overwhelmed he tears up and droops to the floor, breathless and exasperated. They’re almost divorced from the usual formalities they typically display; It balances itself between benign bitterness and betrayed yearning.

Similarly, in his admission of destroying Gallifrey he looks almost on the verge of tears, tired and weary.

He crouches down to level the Doctor, as she waits in dreaded anticipation of his explanation, only to be hit with rage and sorrow. He stands assertively, presenting his dominion over the situation as well as the Doctor. “but why would I make it easy for you, it wasn’t for me”.

 

For a character whose one of their most defining traits is clinging on to life by any and all means necessary, his sudden change of perspective in the Spyfall clearly communicates something isn’t right which is further expanded upon during The Timeless Children/The Power of The Doctor. In those stories we essentially see two people going through an identity crisis where one learns to let go of the past and the other continues to slip deeper and deeper into their own delusions.

Looking at the next logical step of 'I want to be the Doctor's friend' with the catalyst of the Timeless Child reveal. Resuscitating Timelords as Cybermen not just to rule over the universe, but to lord over the Doctor how he’s twisting her “creations” into warped despots, rebuking his hatred into an undying force of nature. During their “final” confrontation in TTC he continuously urges her to “Become death. Become me” taking into consideration his suicidal thoughts before their interaction, his demand could be read as a “mercy killing” he’s too cowardly to outwardly kill himself, but if he can barter the Doctor into doing it for him then that’s a decision he’s willing to die for. He wants to bring the Doctor down to his level morally and to be on her level literally, by being the very genesis of a species.

Even the simple visual metaphor of the Doctor being shrouded in light while she looks down on the Master highlights exactly how he views their dynamic now. It's less about him wanting to be the Doctor, and more that he doesn't want to be the Master. Especially taking into consideration the factors that lead towards Missy’s death. Holding onto the facet they once were because they can’t cope with the feeling of what they’d be without it, exemplifies their co-dependency on the Doctor a lot more poignantly without having to verbalise it so explicitly through exclusive callbacks.

 It's frustrated me how people infer Missy's ark as a 'redemption' when her ark is presented as more of the hope of a possible redemption which makes her death that more tragic. Missy’s ark is very much a one way street that can ultimately only end in failure as by their very nature they’re simply incapable of committing to changing themselves for better as marked by her particular exit, so they resign to the fact that this is how they’ll always be. Under 12’s strenuous parameters she could never realistically achieve her goal of acquiring friendship, all she's done is create a cycle where being “good” starts with murder which especially in the eyes of the Doctor is not a good thing. Even without TTC Dhawan couldn’t have been anything more than an emotional trainwreck, coupled with the irony in it being a literal death of her own making. She gave her life for the Doctor “without witness, without hope, without reward”, only for the Master to find out his continued existence is a mire product of the Doctors being, falling back into his deep seeded self-loathing. The way I see it the Master has always been on this blackslide, and the TDF is a story where they fully concede to that principal. The line “this is our perfect ending” embodies this sentiment the most, Missy is continuously coerced into regression until she finally does it, not out of a desire to but ironically enough, choosing to stand by the Doctor. The Master is permanently doomed to repeat the same cycle of self-destruction. No matter how hard they try to change themselves, they’ll always be their own worst enemy.

#doctor who #the power of the doctor #the timeless children #dhawan master #13th doctor #opinions are cool

[monkeywithanxiety]

Anxiety Diary, day 31 (08/05/2022)

About aging:

I haven't been writing for a while. Not because I haven't been anxious, I haven't been this stressed in a long time. I just don't have a lot of time for myself anymore, not even for a little breakdown. This is going to be a little reflection.

Grandma has worsened lately. It has been a long painful process that affected a lot of my immediate family, especially my mother and sister, since we had to move in with her since he can't be on her own anymore.

Last weak it was more troublesome, she fell two times and has no strength to stand on her feet anymore. Today, even sitting up is too painful and she moans in pain with every minor movement.

I don't mention her because she is not very important in my life, despite the causing direct consequences in it. I was never close to her. She is a bitter and distant woman since I remember and I don't remember a single heartwarming memory about her or if she said anything positive to me all my life and if it existed it is being erased right now. I don't feel very guilty about it since she always treated my mom very poorly and the trauma this caused her reflects the trauma my mother causes me.

Taking care of a person is very stressful and sometimes I need to say these things out, but I am always met with strange gazes. I should care more for her, she is family. Glad the blood argument meters little in this case, since I am adopted.

However, it made me start thinking. I want to be a doctor and disliking care for a person is a bad sign, isn't it? I came to the conclusion that I just dislike palliative care in a way. I don't say it in an ableist way, since a disability doesn't stop a person from having a fulfilling life. However, after you get this old, there isn't much you can do, is it?

I have looked into this and found people saying it's just prejudice and I haven't experienced anyone I love to face this and I don't know how it is. This is not true.

When I was younger, my father got really sick. He and my mother had been separated for more than a decade but he came to live with us, since he had no one else. He had Parkinson disease and I observed how his condition worsened. He couldn't eat by himself anymore and talking was getting more difficult, eventually, he had a thrombosis and lost one of his legs. He managed to walk with aids for a while but ended up in a wheelchair full-time a few months later. He couldn't clean himself or go to the bathroom alone anymore. He was always in pain and started to get less coherent and more grumpy and rude. He was a burden, a burden that I loved dearly, but a burden. He went a long time in the hospital after that, my mom having to kill herself to take care of us and of him during that time. Finally, he died.

At his funeral, I wasn't sad. I was relieved to know his pain had ended and he was free. I forced myself to cry because I thought it would make me a bad daughter if I didn't.

Now, grandma is going through a similar process. My aunt doesn't accept we just can't handle her alone anymore and thinks homeopathy and painkiller after painkillers will solve things. It won't.

My family is tired. I am tired. My grandma is suffering. She doesn't even know where the pain is anymore. Sometimes, she doesn't now where she is. She is confused and scared. She calls for God and for her mother. She treats my mother even worse now and even though I know this time is not her fault alone, I can't help but resent her.

In the end, I think the whole reason I have problems with palliative care is that it's bullshit a lot of times. We are not giving these people life quality, we are prolonging their pain, most of the time for our own selfish reasons, because we don't want them to leave them, even when they have become just a shell from the people they were once.

I hate this because I don't want this to happen to me. I don't want to become a burden on others I love. I don't want to be unable to take care of myself and have my choices stripped away from me. I don't want my life to become laying down in a bed with pain, staring blindly at some random news I can't even know if they are true anymore. I fear being stuck in the prison of my body and the "care" of others being the guards of my cell.

I don't love this woman, but my desire for her death is the ultimate form of love that no one is willing to give her.

#personal #diary #mental health #anxiety #death #disease #aging #mourning

[nicesteverforever]

Lurkers and e-drama. Not a worthy read, essentially an open letter to someone that's been stalking me for the past year.

I don't think there's much validation to gain from men when I sit here and I therapy them in DMs every other day. I have one man telling me about how he fucked up for making another woman wait too long for him, another man with an anxious attachment style asking me for reassurance and thoughts, another man having panic attacks and waking me up in the middle of the night over them, and another man sending me shit about his paranoid-schizoprehnia. Like, I'm not the one getting anything out of these conversations with them, I'm just a friend.

So bizarre to me when another woman is trying to call me a pick-me of sorts just because men confide in me and trust some level of rationality from me. I don't LIKE it, but I've known these men for years now and consider them friends, so I'll suck it up.

And hearing a claim that I'm doing it for validation from a woman that would DM men about made-up stories for pity so they'd jerk off with her. Like, you're still messaging my friends and begging them to hang out with you somewhere else after a year. I'm not begging any man to stay friends with me or talk to me.

I hate to be the person to say something like this, but there seems to be a genuine jealousy and unhinged obsession with me and my interpersonal relationships after all this time. I truly pity the loneliness and insecurity from a person to be so obsessively attached to me after a year of us almost mutually breaking things off.

Like, I am truly sorry you couldn't move on, but I did, and it's only annoying for you to keep coming back, involving yourself in my relationships and their drama for no reason other than lonely obsession, and throwing weird and baseless accusations at me all the time. And the worst part is that I KNOW you're going to read this too and probably fume over it, but I am being so fucking genuine when I say I wish your life was better so you'd have an easier time moving on and focusing on new friends you should've already made by now.

For a second, it almost seemed like you were trying to be genuine and just warn me about certain things or whatever, but you got so mad when I pointed out the hypocrisy from you and the weird attachment to shit that happened a year ago.

Genuinely seek fucking therapy or pick up new hobbies or something, make new friends IRL or online, and try to focus on something other than me and what's going on in my and my friends' lives these days when nothing involves you whatsoever anymore.

You cannot try to call me the obsessive one for talking about you when you literally keep seeking me out, bringing up old shit, insulting me and all my friends, and sending me fucking anonymous messages on Tumblr while you have an alt in some stupid Discord server of mine. 😭 Girl, you're literally begging me to keep talking about you when you do all that shit. I haven't sought you or your friends out once, anyone that joins and mentions you is immediately banned from my server because I don't WANT to know about what's going on with you these days. I don't ask questions or talk to anyone about you that wasn't around when we had that falling out.

I do not want to be the God of your mind anymore. Seek something new.

But you probably WON'T! Because you haven't changed at all since we last spoke, aside from growing even more fucking bitter and pathetic. You still carry the same victim mentality, you lack perspective, and you still exaggerate shit and lie for attention.

You know, plenty of people have sent me screenshots of what you and Juniper have been saying about me or are up to these days, and I never ask for it, nor do I seek you out afterwards.

People talk, and I expected that, and you should too. This genuine level of obsession is literally not healthy for you and indicates a real sadness and loneliness in your real life, like, to a fucking manly, incel degree. I'm not even trying to be too mean, just honest with you for a moment. I don't know what to tell you that will make you get over something that happened a year ago.

Like, I'm sorry about things I did after, but I was hurt when you valued stupid shit over a genuine issue I had just experienced in my personal life. I was stressed, annoyed, and felt betrayed, so I acted out childishly and tried to make you feel as vulnerable and hurt as I felt. It's really not something I'd do again these days. I'd definitely take my actions back, not only if it meant you'd finally fuck off already, but also because it was cruel of me and embarrassing to think back on now. You have to try to see my perspective at the time, I had just come out of a fucking traumatizing situation, and it felt like you and Juni didn't give a fuck and were actively betraying me through your actions as well.

I'm trying to grow up already and stay out of stupid shit these days. I have shit to do IRL, I have friends, family, and a home to keep up. Shit's different for me now, and I wish it was for you too.

I am sorry for what I did, whether you believe that or not. But I haven't done anything else to the either of you since. It's just you with a vengeance still, a year later. No, I haven't sought either of you out or saved anything from whatever public pages either of you might have, not even ONCE since I banned the both of you in the first place. I'm genuinely just sticking to my circle of friends and staying out of yours. You should try doing the same. Literally for yourself and your own fucking sanity.

#Just thinking

[tedderoni]

Yesterday was the worst. Vent under the cut.

Cw: transphobia, dysphoria, past ideations

I have known my friend Jake since I was 20 and his wife Amanda a few years shy of that. They're really important to me and until yesterday I considered them a strong pillar of my support system.

I don't think I need to explain how important that is for a trans person, since I think most of the people who will see this are also part of the LGBT+ community, but just to reiterate- it's absolutely elating to receive validation from the people you love, and dopamine is super hard to come by in the economy these days.

On the opposite hand, the betrayal I experienced yesterday made me crash and burn worse than I could ever expect.

I'm a bit religious, and while most of my friends are atheist or agnostic, Jake and Amanda are Christians. I'm Jewish by the way. We've always been able to talk about faith with no issue, but in this case it's relevant for once.

Yesterday while hanging out, I said I could go put on my binder or a sports bra since I don't wear either when I'm home and have no plans to go out. I made a joke about how clothes don't really have gender despite God having a shortage of male bodies when I was born.

Amanda said, "I disagree. I don't believe God makes mistakes."

I don't know why the people who are more liberal but still against "changing sex" get so hung up on science. I think they think that LGBT folks like it when they have science to back up their misinformation.

Ah yes, a line I dread hearing from the Christian community finally reached my ears.

Instead of changing the subject, my stupid ass proceeded to spin a web of lies. Lying to stay safe is an unfortunate side-effect of my gender dysphoria. I'm a Fawner when it comes to Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn and that almost always puts me in danger. I've been SA'd in my own home because I reacted that way to someone I thought was my friend.

"The surgery is dangerous," she said. She's worried about my recovery. She thinks I "made a fine woman" and that it's sad that I was unhappy that way.

She said she liked my old nickname more than my chosen name because it was more unique and that the backstory of how I got it was cute.

God doesn't make mistakes, after all.

My wife was talking with Jake during this whole thing and I don't really know if he overheard any of this. Mostly I just feel guilt.

Why couldn't I just tell Amanda the truth?

I've known her for ages, I love her to death, and she's always been so respectful about this until now. When she shed actual tears yesterday because she was so relieved that I didn't get angry at her I crumbled.

I'd never be angry. I'm heartbroken, but not angry.

When Amanda and Jake went home, I immediately crawled into bed for a depression nap. I slept for most of the day because I knew if I didn't, I would end up spiraling into something difficult to get out of.

So this morning around 6am I woke up with a bitter taste in my mouth- literally, because I forgot to turn on the humidifier last night and I have sleep apnea- and a feeling of numbness and confusion.

I tried to get a few more hours of sleep in but to no avail.

There's a big hole in my heart now because I denied a part of who I am, just so I could cling to a false love I receive from someone dear to me.

I hate myself so much right now. It's even worse than dysphoria. Rather than the usual desire to be invisible, I just wish I didn't exist.

#talking to myself #cw: dysphoria #cw: transphobia #cw: past ideations #cw: mention of sa

[queen-haq]

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 13

Fic: A Woman Scorned - Part 13

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Rating: R for language and smut.

Words: ~3000 words.

Summary: You’ve been sleeping with Billy Russo for a few months now. Knowing his aversion to emotional commitments, you’re satisfied with your clandestine arrangement until you catch him having dinner with Dinah Madani one night. Then it finally dawns on you. It’s not that he doesn’t want to commit, he just doesn’t want to commit to *you*.

Billy may think he knows you, but he has no idea what he’s just lost...

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4  Part 5   Part 6   Part 7   Part 8   Part 9  

Part 10   Part 11   Part 12

gif credit: @bilyrusso

Part 13

It was 8 in the evening and you were still in the office. You hadn’t accomplished much work today, your mind mostly focused on Billy. You were surprised by how quickly he’d been able to make the funeral arrangements for his mother. Yesterday you had driven over to the nursing home and by the time you reached there, Carla Russo’s body had already been picked up. You’d signed a few papers for Billy and picked up the remainder of Carla’s things before you returned home. Everything of hers was packed into a small suitcase and sitting in your living room. You wanted to call him, ask him how he was and offer your support, but he seemed determined to do everything on his own when you’d talked to him last and you didn’t want to intrude.

You gave yourself a mental shake, reminding yourself to concentrate. This workday had been a wash. When you weren’t distracted by thoughts of Billy, you were putting out fires in your team. At least the personnel conflicts have been temporarily resolved, but now you needed to work on a slide deck that you’d been tasked with presenting to the executive leadership committee later in the week.

An hour later you were halfway done with your presentation when your phone rang. You glanced down at your screen to find Billy’s name on the screen. “Hi.”

“Hey.” He sounded exhausted. “You still at work?”

“Yeah. How did you know?”

There was a pause. “You give off the workaholic vibe.”

You smiled to yourself; at least he was okay enough to crack jokes. “How are you?”

“You mean am I grieving over a goddamn dead woman who preferred meth to her own fucking son?” He sighed. “No big loss. I’m fine.”

Anger and hurt saturated his voice despite his attempts to sound unaffected. Your heart hurt for him, you wished there was something you could do. “Do you need anything?”

“The funeral service is tomorrow.” A beat of silence followed. “Do you want to come?”

“Sure. What time?”

“2pm.”

“I’ll take the day off. Do you need my help with anything? Maybe I can call some of her friends?”

“When I found her she was living on the streets, barely alive but still hooked on meth. I doubt she’s got any friends.”

“What about the people in the nursing home? Maybe they want to come?”

“No, I don’t want anyone else there. Just you.”

Not liking the warmth that spread through you upon hearing his words, you reminded yourself he was probably feeling unusually vulnerable. This wasn’t typical of him.

“Do you want to come over?” he asked.

You exhaled a heavy sigh. “I would but I have so much work to do. I’ll be here for another hour at least.”

“Come over after you’re done.”

“It’ll be really late.”

“That’s fine. I can wait.”

“I can stop by my place to pick up your mom’s-.”

“No, it’s okay.”

You realized he wasn’t quite ready to go through Carla’s belongings yet.

“Bring your stuff with you.”

“Stuff?”

“Overnight bag, clothes for tomorrow, whatever.”

“Oh. You want me to stay over?”

“Yeah, might as well. We can drive over together for the service tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Despite the conversation coming to a natural end, he wasn’t hanging up. It seemed as if he was reluctant to be alone, probably because that meant dealing with the complicated emotions for his mother. You knew exactly how that felt. “If you want, I can leave now. I can work from your apartment instead of the office.”

“You’re not worried I’ll be tempted to spy on Valiant stuff?” he teased.

You smiled. “As if I’d let you see what I’m working on.”

“Guess no corporate espionage for me tonight.”

“Still going to keep you away from my laptop.”

He chuckled. “Just get here. I promise not to bug you while you work.”

“Okay. I’m leaving now.”

“See you soon.”

After you hung up, you started gathering your things together.

***

An hour later, you were at his place. When he opened the door, you immediately grew concerned at how tired he looked. Traveling back and forth from Vegas plus dealing with the news about Carla’s death within the last few hours meant he was absolutely exhausted.

“Hey,” he greeted you, smiling as he took the overnight bag from your hands.

You removed your heels while he took your bag inside his room and then made your way to his living room. While his penthouse suite was much bigger than yours, you actually didn’t like it very much. Despite the high-end finishes and the beautiful interiors - Billy had obviously hired a designer to make the place look good - it always felt very cool and inhospitable to you. It was too perfect and you always felt out of place inside the suite.

“You hungry?” he asked, coming up behind you. “I ordered dinner for you.” Arms encircling your waist, he dropped a kiss on the back of your head as he maneuvered you to the kitchen. He’d laid out the food for you on the dining table, and from the take-out containers you knew it was from one of your favourite Indian restaurants. The thoughtful gesture surprised you, you weren’t used to that from him. Noting that he’d only set the table for one, you turned around to look at him. “You’re not going to eat with me?”

“I ate already. I was starving. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” You cradled his face with one hand, your eyes roving over his beautiful face as he placed a kiss on the fleshy part of your palm. “You look exhausted. Did you even sleep?”

“No” He leaned back against the kitchen counter, weary. For a moment he closed his eyes, simply holding still, and you found yourself wrapping your arms around him in a hug. You didn’t understand why you’d even initiated the embrace – hugs were never your thing – but seeing him so beaten-down you were desperate to comfort him. He leaned into you, his body flushed against yours, and you held him tight. Stroking the nape of his neck, you placed a soft kiss on the center of his forehead. “Why don’t you take a nap while I work?”

“You don’t mind?”

You smiled up at him, running your fingers through his hair. “At least I don’t have to worry about you stealing my company secrets while you sleep.”

He smirked. “You’ll be here when I wake up?”

“Yup. Probably still working away.”

Billy grazed your temple softly before dropping a tender kiss on the tip of your nose. “Okay, but eat first.”

You nodded your head, watching after him as he sauntered out of the kitchen and disappeared down the hallway.

Sighing, you went to the sink to wash your hands before eating.

***

It was after midnight and you were still working on your slide deck when you heard Billy puttering around in the bathroom. Soon he slowly made his way towards you, dressed in a t-shirt and black boxers, his hair all messy. He yawned lazily, falling onto the other end of the couch.

“I thought you’d sleep through the night,” you remarked.

“Are you still working?” he asked.

“Almost done.” You saved the file and shut off the laptop before slipping it back inside your bag.

Suddenly he pulled you closer and you found yourself tucked underneath him on the couch as he glanced down at you from above. “You work too hard.”

You smiled up at him. “They don’t pay me the big bucks to sit there and look pretty.”

A slow, incandescent smile curved his lips. “I would. If I ran Valiant, you’d be my personal stress relief. You’d be in my office the entire time and do nothing but look pretty and service me.”

“That’s sexual harassment.”

Billy shrugged his shoulders. “Whatever. I’d make it worth your while.”

You laughed, angling up to kiss him. “Your breath is all minty fresh.”

“I brushed my teeth for you.”

“Wow. Be still my heart.”

A warm grin covered his face as he shifted down your body to nuzzle your neck. His weight was heavy as he rested atop you, but you liked the solid feel of him on you, the way you felt all safe and warm. You stroked his hair while he drew lazy circles on your chest, the silence between you two comforting.

“No one knows about her. Not Frank, not Curtis, no one.”

Those names were familiar to you because Billy had mentioned them in passing a few times. Of course he’d never shared any other info, but you being you, you’d dug around and found out more about them. You knew they’d served with Billy and he considered them his closest friends.

“When I found her three years ago, I put her in that home and forgot all about her.”

“You visited her every week,” you reminded him.

“Because I wanted her to regret abandoning me. I wanted her to see how far I’d come, I wanted to throw her mistakes in her face. But I don’t think she regretted safe-havening me, not even a bit.”

The bitter pain in his voice made your heart hurt for him.

“Maybe I should be happy she’s finally dead, or maybe I’m supposed to be sad or something.”

“How do you actually feel?”

“Nothing. I feel nothing.”

“Billy, I think that’s normal. There’s no right or wrong in this. All of your feelings are valid.”

“Even if her dying made me absolutely ecstatic? You wouldn’t think I was a fucking psychopath?”

“You are a psychopath but not because you have conflicting emotions about your terrible mother dying. You have the right to feel how you feel about her, whatever that might be.”

Eyes blazing with emotion, he hovered about you to meet your gaze. “Then what makes me a psychopath?”

You quirked your eyebrow. “The fact you want to torture my dates.”

“Not just torture, I want to kill them.” Eyes darkened, voice velvety-smooth, he covered your mouth with his and ravaged you with a kiss that left you thrumming and breathless.

“Only you’re allowed to touch me?” you asked through labored breaths.

“Yes.” His voice was a lustful rasp, his mouth leaving a heated trail as he sucked on the oh-so-sensitive corner of where your neck and shoulder intersected. Sparks of electricity ran down your spine. “Only me.”

You took his hand and guided it down your body, parting your thighs for him.

Like always, you were soon completely lost in the erotic pleasure of his mouth on you. Your legs hooked over his shoulders, your hands grabbed the back of the couch for support as he fucked you with his hands and mouth, sucking you, licking you, his tongue flicking over your clit until you were keening under him. Body arching off the couch, you moaned his name louder and louder until he drove you completely over the edge.

Then you felt a light slap on your cunt which immediately brought you back to reality. Opening your eyes, you found Billy perched between your legs, gracing you with the most wicked smile. “That’s one.” He slapped your pussy again, this time his long, lean fingers ever so slightly grazing your clit and your hips bucked, wanting more. “As promised.” His eyebrow quirked up. “Punishment.”

“Not fair,” you protested. “I’ll date who I want.”

He slapped you again, a little harder this time, but then he leaned down to place comforting kisses on the very spots he assaulted and you moaned with pleasure.

“All of you.” His tongue lapped over your clit, eyes locked with yours. “Belongs to me. I own you.”

“You don’t!” You squealed when he flipped you over unexpectedly, grabbing you by the hips so your ass was lifted of the couch. And then he squeezed your butt cheeks, biting them lightly before he started rimming you.

***

After sharing a shower the two of you were laying in his bed, your back pressed against his chest as you both stared up at the ceiling. His one hand was intertwined with yours, the other arm circled around your hips. The two of you didn’t have sex but you didn’t mind. You were both fatigued.

“I smell like you now,” you murmured, realizing the soap in his shower had left its scent on you.

“I know. I like it.” He squeezed your fingers. “I have a present for you.”

“I hope it’s not earrings again.”

He chuckled. “No, not earrings.”

“What is it then?”

“Jewelry.”

You turned back to look at him. “What? Like a necklace?”

“Something like that. Except I’m the only one who’ll see you wearing it.”

“Ah. And where is this gift?”

He kissed the top of your head. “Not here yet.”

You smiled to yourself. “People usually wait until they have the gift in hand before telling others about it.”

“I couldn’t wait. I’m excited to see you wear it.”

He stroked your hair, and your eyes grew heavy. Soon you started falling into deep slumber, feeling calm, comforted by Billy’s arms around you.

“What happened with your family?”

Your eyes flew open. Like always, any mention of your family unfurled anxiety within you. You didn’t like thinking about them letting alone discussing them. “They passed away.”

“They’re dead?”

“Yes.”

“Both of them?”

“Yes.”

He pulled you up so you were facing him now, his intoxicating gaze completely focused on you. “That day when I asked you about the pictures, you said you weren’t close to your family.”

“I meant my extended family. I don’t keep in touch with them,” you replied smoothly.

“What were your parents like?”

Irritation surged through you at his obtrusive questions but you had to remind yourself he just lost his mother. He was feeling out-of-sorts, working through his grief – even if he didn’t think so – and he was reaching out to the only person in his life that knew about his mother. “Normal.”

He simply stared at you for a long time, studying you, saying nothing. “Normal,” he repeated, finally breaking the strained silence.

You shrugged your shoulders, dropping your gaze to the base of his throat so you didn’t have to hold his piercing stare. “Yup.”

“How did they die?”

“Car accident.”

“You miss them?”

“Of course,” you lied.

He reached out to cup your face, his thumb stroking your cheek. “So you grew up with great parents, white picket fence and all that bullshit? Sounds like you had a fairytale childhood.”

“Can we talk about this tomorrow? I’m really tired.”

“Sure. I’ll add this to the list of all the other shit we’ll talk about someday.”

He sounded almost angry with you and you weren’t sure why. Before you could question him, however, he pulled you close so you were snuggled against his chest and the warmth of his body was enough to silence your brain and lull you to sleep.

***

It was a cold, crisp autumn day in New York. The outdoor service, attended by only you and Billy, was short and quick. Throughout it, he’d gripped your hand even though he’d been outwardly calm and collected. Even now as he stood a few feet away from you, impeccably dressed in a black suit, his dark eyes hidden behind a pair of aviator sunglasses as he stared out at the pond, you sensed he was a complete mess inside. You didn’t know what to say to him so you simply sat on the bench, both of you in an isolated corner of the garden. Eventually he came to sit beside you, taking your hand in his.

“I’d have given her the whole world.” His voice was filled with pain and longing as he removed his sunglasses and tucked them in the upper pocket of his suit. “I would have given her anything she ever wanted.” Billy’s eyes met yours. “If she’d just wanted me.”

You scooted closer to wrap your arms around him, breathing him in as he sunk into you. His hands caressed your back, his grip on you so tight you almost couldn’t breathe. After a while he rested his forehead against yours, his eyes holding you prisoner in front of him.

“Swear to me you’ll never leave.”

“Billy-”

“Promise me!”

“I can’t.”

“It wasn’t a fucking request, Y/N.”

You tried to pull away from him but he fisted the back of your hair, holding you in place.

The raw urgency in his voice played havoc with your emotions. If you closed your eyes, just for a moment, you could shut out all the doubts in your head and simply believe him - but you could only live the fantasy for a short moment before reality forced its way back in. “You don’t mean those words, Billy.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you don’t feel that strongly about me.”

His eyes narrowed, glaring at you with hostility. “You’re gonna tell me how I feel?”

“I’m not what you want.”

“And what do you think I want?”

You gave him a sad smile. “The best of everything. Best car, best clothes, the most beautiful women in your arms. You want all that because you need others to want what you have.”

“Is that so wrong?”

You shook your head. “No, there’s nothing wrong with that – except I don’t fit into any of those categories. You want a woman like Dinah Madani. I’m not her. So eventually this thing between us will end.”

His jaw was set in a grim line, eyes burning bright with rage. “So you have me all figured out, huh?”

“Don’t get mad. You know it’s the truth.”

He yanked you closer, crushing you against him. “It’s been me against the world for as long as I can remember. But when I look at you.” His eyes softened, mouth parting as his dark gaze roamed over your face. “I don’t feel alone anymore.”

Your heart melted. The tenuous handle you had on your self-control disintegrated completely. You closed your mouth over his, kissing him frantically as he picked you up and straddled you across his lap.

He pulled back to look at you. “You’re my home. You’re all I need.”

Part 14

A/N - As always, all of your feedback, comments, asks, likes and reblogs are deeply appreciated. They truly inspire me to keep writing, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

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#billy russo x reader #billy russo #ben barnes #the punisher #billy russo imagine

[songmingisthighs]

[9.55] mafia!wooyoung × reader

⇀ good thing you're smart, if not Wooyoung wouldn't have a whole attitude change

⇁ tw : violence, torture, kindapping, mafia life

⇁ part 1 / 2 / 3

⇁ disclaimer : the author does not support any and all criminal/illegal acts. the narrative written in this story is purely fiction out of the author's imagination. the things written here does not portray real mafia life nor is the author aware of how the mafia life is like. the author is a hermit loser.

You don't remember how long it has been since they captured you. Being stuck in a basement would do that apparently.

Whoever was behind your capture had been torturing you beyond your own imagination. They had starved you, hit you, kicked you, attempted to drown you, tied you in an uncomfortable position every night, and sent in someone to make sure you don't get an ounce of sleep.

All that just to get information on Wooyoung.

Currently, you're being tied to a chair, being once again interrogated for informations you had no clue about, "things would be much easier if you'd just give us what we want," the buff man in front of you said, he held a knife to your cheek but at this point you couldn't even flinch, "where is Jung Wooyoung's headquarters?"

Your cold outfit was clinging onto you like second skin, it's uncomfortable and it's dirty, the cold had definitely impacted your health.

Recently all you've been able to feel is just the headache and the burn from inside your body. Not even the abuse given to you was able to inflict you pain.

Everything's just numb.

You look up at the man, almost with a challenging look as you press your face daringly to the blade, "I. Don't. Know." you spat each word like venom.

The man laughed, pretty amused at how daring you are being, "you're his wife, there is no way you wouldn't have known," you rolled your eyes at him, bitter that he used the word 'wife' because you know fully well that Wooyoung would never treat you as such, "then I must've not been his wife now, am I?" You retorted back at him, slightly shocking him because this is the first time within the (apparently) 7 days you've been captured that you had said something else other than 'I don't know' or 'fuck you'.

Everyone was startled at the revelation, they probably hadn't concidered that you might not be Wooyoung's wife. No one really know about Wooyoung's personal life, it seems.

Seeing their hesitance, you take this as your chance of escaping.

The buff man grab your hair harshly, his eyes narrowing at you in suspicion, "don't lie to me, whore, if you're not his wife, then why'd you have a wedding ring on?" "Stole it from my mistress before I ran away, needed the money," you lied easily, surprising yourself.

"And why are you wearing it?" He asked again, "to make it less inconspicuous, people need to believe that this belongs to me or else they'll alert the cops that I'm a thief,"

He seemed to be having an inner turmoil on whether or not he should believe you.

With how you've been acting and the lack of evidence that you are Wooyoung's wife, you could really have been the wrong target.

"That means Handong lied to us," he said as he push your head away, talking to one of the men next to him, "bring him in and get this bitch out," he said simply before turning back to leave.

But before he walked out of the room, he looked back once more at you with a bitter smirk, "make sure to... deal... with her first, insurance for your silence,"

When the doors closed, 5 men approach your figure, still tied on the chair.

One of them crouch down in front of you, he brush your hair out of your face with a sad smile, "I'm sorry that we have to do this, pretty girl," confused at what he said, you just stared at him. But then he suddenly slap you so hard that you fell down along with the chair you're tied to.

And thus began one of the longest night of your life.

Meanwhile Wooyoung was getting antsy. His men couldn't find you anywhere and there isn't a second when he didn't regret turning his abundance of cctv off

He spent his days either in meetings or trying to track your whereabouts. San had to step in and actually force him to eat, going as far as cuffing him to his chair and spoon-fed him, even throwing a cheesy "would (Y/N) be happy to see you in this state?" At him to which he replied, "considering how I treat her, I wouldn't be surprised if she is,"

So far, neither yours nor his parents were aware of your disappearance. His dad only asked about you once to ensure he still has leverage, which of course Wooyoung lied, he's already stressed over your disappearance the last thing he need is for his dad to bit his head off.

Each night he spent sleeping in his bedroom, moping to the fact that he genuinely misses and worried about you. He regret taking you for granted, taking your presence for granted. Now, he could only imagine your sleeping form next to him using the memories of when he actually slept in bed with you. He used to be able to feel your warmth next to him, now it's just cold and he dislike it.

Tonight was no different. Before he got into bed, he went to the walk-in closet and look at all the dresses he had brought you to events that you went to (re : events he was forced brought you because his parents would be there). He remembered every how you looked in every single one of them.

It's pathetic of him, to be pining over the woman he claimed to have no care about.

Just as he turned the walk-in closet's lights off, there were commotions from downstairs, then a huge bang like his front doors had been barged open.

Diving into his instincts, Wooyoung grabbed the nearest gun he had hid all around the room and ran out, thinking that it was a raid by his rivals.

But when he looked down from the second floor to the living room, his heart wrenched and he froze.

San had you in his arms, you looked sickly pale with bruises all over your exposed arms and legs, clothes had chunks of them torn, and you weren't moving. One would assume that you're dead.

Wooyoung dropped his gun and ran to his friend who had just put you on the couch.

The sight of you looking so broken panicked him. He wanted to hold you and be glad that you're home, but he doesn't wanna hurt you. He wanted to tell you how sorry he is and that he'll make up to you but he's not sure whether or not you're still alive.

He snapped his head towards his staff, "call the doctor! Call Kang Yeosang in!" He barked to which his staffs immediately obeyed, scrambling to do as he ordered.

"God, baby, who did this to you?" He muttered to himself, reaching forward to brush your hair out of your face.

You stirred a bit when you heard his voice ans managed to open your eyes despite the splitting headache and the soreness all over your body.

When your eyes met his, you smiled, "hey, what are you doing in my dreams?" You croaked out, throat obviously sore and beyond parched from having been denied fluids for so long. It was your turn to brush his bangs from his eyes, something you've always wanted to do but know never could considering his dislike that turned out to be hatred towards you.

You suddenly frown at him, making his gaze on you softer, "I'm sorry," you muttered, not able to speak louder. At that, he tilted his head, "for what?" "Not being able to stay gone, I had to had the will to live, I should've let them kill me," you said before you slip into unconsciousness, rendering Wooyoung speechless at your words.

Before he was able to retaliate, San had swoop you back into his arms to take you to an empty room so Yeosang could come in and treat you.

"No," Wooyoung called, stopping San in his tracks, "bring her to my- our room, she should feel comfortable," to which San just nodded and obey, knowing how important it is to have you next to him as much as him next to you.

Yeosang came in not long after and spent 3 hours cleaning and stitching your wounds, checking for possible internal injuries, all the while making sure he's handling you with the utmost care as Wooyoung had been glaring daggers at him. Whether it serve to be a warning to not harm you or a sign of jealousy as Yeosang had a perfectly valid reason to cut your shirt and shorts off for handling.

"I can't make a clear diagnosis without checking for internal injuries, we have to take her to the hospital," Yeosang said. But Wooyoung just snap at him, "then freaking bring the machines here! She's not leaving this mansion and she's not leaving my side!"

Both men just stared at each other for a few minutes, Yeosang holding onto his ground on wanting simplicity, and Wooyoung being afraid of losing you from his sight again.

Knowing how stubborn his friend can be, Yeosang was first to crack, sighing and nodding at Wooyoung, "I'll see what I can do," he said simply before going out to talk to San about possibly transporting some of his machines.

The rest of the night, Wooyoung took care of you. He had put you in one of his large, white button up because it's the easiest to put on you. He stayed by your side in a chair, afraid that he might hurt you (than he already necessary does with his words) if he were to slip in bed with you.

As he watch you, his hands moved to held yours in his. His thumbs were rubbing the back of your hand when it suddenly caught on something.

Looking down, he noticed that it's your wedding ring, matching his own which he's wearing.

It brought a smile to his face seeing you're still holding onto it so dearly. You could've left it for him to find and throw away the day you left, but you had decided to take it with you.

Could it be that despite everything he's done to you, you don't want to completely erase him from your mind?

And that's what made Wooyoung broke down and cried.

He didn't deserve you, not one bit. But despite that, he knows that he's the only one capable enough of taking care of you, to provide for whatever it is that you need.

So at that moment, with you back in hia arms, he decided to step up and assume his responsibilities and treat you as how you deserve to be treated.

#ateez #ateez scenarios #ateez au #ateez imagines #ateez scenario #ateez imagine #timestamp #ateez timestamp #au #kpop au #kpop scenario #kpop imagine #kpop imagines #wooyoung #jung wooyoung #ateez wooyoung #smt timestamp

[cherienymphe]

Stranger Beside Me (Steve Rogers x Reader)

WARNINGS: NON-CON, forced pregnancy, mentions of abortion, toxic relationships, domestic abuse, I don’t know if I’ve ever written anything this angsty in my life

DNI IF THIS OFFENDS YOU

Here is the long awaited boyfriend!Steve fic.

summary: you and Steve have the perfect relationship, and you want to keep it that way. It’s why he can never discover your secrets, but your secrets wouldn’t even exist if it weren’t for his own.

~

The first time you got pregnant, you had never been more disappointed with yourself in your life. Not even failing a major class during college had made you feel as bad as you did when you were staring at that little plastic stick, trying and desperately failing to convince yourself that you were just seeing double. How could you be so careless? How crazy it was to think that a small insignificant piece of plastic could change your mood and life so drastically.

You had sat down on the toilet and remained there for hours. So many thoughts were swirling in your head, possibilities that you didn’t even want to entertain but you found yourself doing so anyway. Eventually, you came to a conclusion that was easy to say: you weren’t ready for a baby. Admitting and accepting that wasn’t hard at all. The hard part was the question that followed. 

What were you going to do about it?

You had struggled with that particular part for days, and you were grateful more than ever that Steve was on a mission. You knew what he would do if he found out, what he would say, and it was an argument you were unprepared to have. You weren’t ready to break his heart like that and face the possibility that this could be the end for you.

Steve Rogers, Captain America himself, was the best boyfriend anyone could ask for. You were Pepper’s stylist, hired for special events, and having been in town for a company party thrown by Tony Stark himself, that was where you met Steve. The attraction was mutual, but you were a woman of the world, constantly jetting off to whatever celebrity needed you at the moment. A stationary girl trying to have a relationship with a superhero would be hard enough, let alone one whose feet never remained on the ground.

And that was what you told the blond avenger after the second time he slept over at your place. The first time, a week after the party, was only meant to be a one time thing. At least, that was your impression, but Steve liked you, and no matter how much you pretended you didn’t, you liked him too. Before you knew it, you were leading him into your apartment for a second time, mouth starved and hands searching. 

He was the most attentive lover you’d ever been with, touching you like you were nothing less than fine china, desperate for the taste of you on his lips. He held you like he was afraid to break you, and considering that the man was a super soldier, you understood that, but still. His touch, combined with the way he looked at you, made you feel like you were literally the only woman in the whole world. It was intense.

“I know,” he had sighed, staring up at the ceiling as you looked at him. “You just...make me feel so comfortable.”

You had frowned, never considering that. After all, this was only the second time you’d slept together. 

“I do?”

He turned to look at you, a small smile on his pink lips, blue eyes sparkling.

“Of course.”

You rolled over onto your stomach, resting on your forearms as he continued, watching as he reached out to brush a finger over the skin of your back.

“You don’t look at me like a superhero, but instead just some guy who is really great in bed.”

You let out a sheepish chuckle, dropping your head, and he joined you.

“Don’t feel bad. It’s surprisingly refreshing. It makes me feel like I have room to...be less than perfect,” he murmured.

Your eyes met his then, and despite the words never escaping his lips, they were front and center in his eyes, and you sighed.

“We would never work, Steve,” you whispered, surprised at how disappointed you sounded. “You’re always off saving the world, and I’m always off dressing it.”

He didn’t respond right away, mulling over what you said.

“Maybe that’s exactly why it would work,” he said, surprising you.

You frowned a bit before raising an eyebrow at him, curious as to how he came to that conclusion.

“I’ve tried to date. God knows I’ve tried to find a girl who wants Steve Rogers and not just the face of America…”

Steve sounded sad, maybe even a bit bitter.

“...but nevermind the fact that they only see the suit and shield, they’re always left to their cozy lifestyle while I'm off saving the world. They’re always waiting around for me, eating dinners alone, sleeping alone. Having a superhero boyfriend is never what they think it will be, never worth it, and while the breakup is expected, I still feel bad.”

Your heart clenched, and you found yourself scooting closer to him. He wrapped his big arm around you, pulling you into his chest, and his whole face shifted. He smiled at you, eyes hopeful.

“...but you? You’re running around the world almost as much as I am. By the time you even have time to miss me, I’ll already be there, and if not…”

He trailed off, but he didn’t need to say it. Your lifestyle wasn’t exactly compatible with a relationship. At least, not a conventional one anyway. Spending nights alone was normal for you, and having a boyfriend that wasn’t there half the time would hardly impact your lifestyle. 

You slowly returned his smile.

“Okay, Rogers. Maybe this could work.”

And work it did. 2 years and 7 months later, and the two of you were happier than ever. Tony was surprised that Steve found a girl who stuck around, and Pepper was surprised that you’d found someone who convinced you to settle down. You simply told her that Steve had made a convincing argument, but the truth was that Steve was genuinely the perfect boyfriend. You two talked whenever you could, and he had been right. By the time you even had time to miss him, he was somehow always there, knocking on the door of your apartment, doing so until he upgraded to waltzing through the door of your shared apartment. 

Steve treated you like a queen, constantly making you question how you got so lucky. He always kissed you like it was going to be the last time, and he made love to you like he was personally trying to drive you crazy with pleasure. You loved him, you loved him, you loved him. You had even told him first, and he had been sad because he had wanted to tell you first for a long time, and that made you sad. So you let him tell you, and then you said it back, and he’d made love to you like he never had before, and it was there, coming undone in his arms, that you told him you loved him again and again and again.

That was why he couldn’t find out you were pregnant. It would start an argument that would ruin you, ruin everything. Steve was hardly home, and you were no different, and while it was never a problem before, it was no environment to raise a baby in. This was the truth. This made sense. Your doctor agreed, and while Steve was off saving the world on an early weekday morning, you were doing what you felt was right.

The 2nd time you got pregnant, you weren’t just disappointed at your carelessness again, but you were also angry. It was no secret that Steve wanted a baby, probably since the first moment he saw you. You always noticed the way he looked at families, the way he smiled and waved at awestruck children. The man had probably come out of the womb ready to be a father, and you loved that about him. And it wasn’t like you didn’t want children too, you certainly did, but just not anytime soon.

You still had a thriving career, and so did he, and neither one of you seemed ready to give that up in the near future. A baby required sacrifice, and you weren’t ready for that yet, and if the way Steve readily took on missions was anything to by, neither was he. You knew that if he found out, he would fight to convince you to keep it, and you would fight to convince him that neither one of you were ready. Like before, you thought to yourself that it would start an argument that could very well be the end for you.

That was where the anger came in.

Why did you keep doing this? How did you keep doing this? Both of you had always been safe, never going without a condom, but after the first pregnancy, you had even gone on birth control too, paranoid and determined to be more responsible. Yet, here you were, pregnant again. You knew what this would do to your relationship, so how could you be so negligent again? It was as if you were subconsciously trying to ruin everything and you hated yourself for it.

Steve had not been away on a mission this time, and you immediately took all of the garbage out under the guise of cleaning the house. He seemed far more attentive that night than usual, but it could have just as easily been your own paranoia. His mouth covered yours in a heated kiss as he pressed his hips to yours, pulling a moan from you.

“God, you’re so beautiful,” he murmured into your mouth, pulling back before sliding into you again. 

Your legs were tight around his waist, and his hands were tight on yours. The only thing that filled the room was the sound of heavy moans and harsh breathing, occasionally interrupted by whatever Steve chose to say. It never not surprised you how much Steve enjoyed talking to you in bed. Praising you, degrading you, teasing you. He enjoyed making you squirm from more than just his cock.

“You know what would make you even more beautiful? Radiant?”

“What?” you breathed, hands running through his hair.

“A baby,” he mumbled, lips ghosting over your chin, making you freeze.

At first you thought that maybe he knew. Although there was no logical explanation for thinking that, you’d been very careful, you couldn’t help it. Your heart picked up the pace, but then you realized that Steve was just being Steve. He had mentioned children in passing, but it was done in the way that you mentioned children. Always in a future tense. It had never been like this, so straightforward and with a sense of urgency. 

He wanted a baby now.

“Come on,” you chuckled, trying to brush him off, attempting to press your lips against his.

He moved out of your reach, and you tried not to let it show how much you were bothered by this conversation. His blue eyes searched yours, a faint smile on his face as he hovered over you.

“I’m serious. Think about how beautiful you’d be, round and glowing with my child,” he continued, finally kissing you.

His hips snapped into yours, more force behind his thrusts, like the idea of you swollen with his child was the biggest turn on. You never even got a chance to truly voice your displeasure, a moaning and quivering mess until you finally came around him. Once your heart finally settled, you laid there, thinking about the fact that Steve wanted a baby now despite the fact that neither of your lifestyles could accommodate one. 

When he came back to bed after disposing of the condom, he pulled you into his arms, and you settled against him. He pressed his face into your hair, breathing you in, and you closed your eyes, feeling like the worst girlfriend in the world.

“I can’t wait til we never have to buy those again,” he whispered.

Your heart clenched, and you forced yourself to go to sleep by listing every reason you could think of as to why you were doing the right thing. A week later, Steve kissed you goodbye in the early hours of the morning before he had to leave on another mission. 2 hours later, you were in a doctor’s office doing what you felt was best.

The 3rd time you got pregnant, you were no longer disappointed. Not even angry, but just confused. You were leaning against the closed door of your bathroom, once again staring at that little piece of plastic with nothing but confusion. You were as careful as you could possibly be. After the 2nd pregnancy, you always triple checked to make sure that you never forgot your birth control. You made sure that the house was always stocked with condoms.

You didn’t understand it.

You had been startled by a knock on the door, and you hurriedly rushed to get rid of the test. You hadn’t realized how long you’d been in the bathroom, and Steve had started to get worried. At least, that was what he told you through the door.

“Are you okay?”

What a loaded question. Were you okay? Here you were, pregnant for the third time within a year and you couldn’t figure out how. Of course, it was obvious as to how, but it should have been very unlikely. You knew that condoms, even when paired with birth control, weren’t going to be 100% effective. You were an adult with common sense. That you understood. One unplanned pregnancy wasn’t the most ridiculous thing in the world. Shit happens.

Two within the same year still wasn’t absolutely crazy, but it was a little mind bending when you were more than careful.

But three? Three was concerning.

You opened the bathroom door with a soft smile, nodding at Steve as you stepped out.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

He looked like he didn’t quite believe you, but being the great boyfriend that he was, he didn’t press you further.

“Okay. Breakfast is on the table. Come eat?” he offered, holding out his hand.

You took it and allowed him to lead you to the dining room. Breakfast was as it always was. Steve told you about the last mission he’d just gotten back from only days ago, and you told him about the latest celebrity going through a meltdown over a dress. You enjoyed these talks with Steve, these moments with just the two of you, and you weren’t ready to alter that in any way. Not yet. 

Sometimes you felt like the worst girlfriend in the world, wondering if you were being selfish for wanting it to remain just the two of you for a little while longer. You adored children, but having them wasn’t just some hobby. You would no longer be able to put yourself first, and with so much of your life still ahead of you, you weren’t ready to stop being selfish.

And that was okay.

What wasn’t okay was the lies. No matter how you tried to spin it, no matter how many justifications you made, you were lying to Steve. Perhaps in one of the worst ways possible. Sometimes you felt like you should tell him, but what purpose would it serve? Nothing could be done about the past, and he’d only end up hating you. That was what you were really afraid of. Having Steve stare at you like he didn’t even know who you were.

But you knew how Steve could be. How clouded his mind could get when it came to children and starting a family. The man enjoyed a simple life. He was nostalgic for what he felt he missed out on, and while there was nothing wrong with that, you knew that he wasn’t going to hang up the shield for it. Just like you weren’t going to put your career on pause for it, and you had no intentions of just letting some stranger raise your child. 

You knew that neither one of you were willing to sacrifice in order to raise a baby in the proper environment. That was why during breakfast, as you held Steve’s hand while you two talked and ate, you decided to go through with it for a third time.

The first time had been hard. You kept second guessing everything. You knew that it was the right thing to do, but was it the right thing to do without telling Steve? Without getting his input? Without even giving him the chance to love this baby before you snatched it away? Your body, your choice right? But was it really that black and white? Was any of this fair to him? 

The second time had been easier. You still hadn’t felt any better about it, but at least you weren’t going through an internal crisis. At least you knew what to expect, because that had been the most nerve wracking part, fear of the unknown. Afterwards, your mood wasn’t as sullen for as long as it was after the first time. You had moved past it fairly quickly, but after all, you had been sure it would be the final time. 

The third time wasn’t anything like that. The guilt still ate away at you, but it seemed more like a standard doctor’s visit. A routine checkup. That was what you told Steve it was. He had offered to take you, but you had declined, and he had sent you off with a lingering kiss. You went to get some coffee from Starbucks afterwards.

The months that followed were filled with the usual bliss that surrounded your relationship. You two went to Tony’s parties, occasionally hung out at the compound with the rest of the team, and Steve took you out whenever he was home. Despite your relationship ruining secrets, everything was perfect.

Almost.

“Everytime you come to one of my little soirees, I keep expecting to see you 4 months pregnant,” Tony said, making you bark a laugh.

Steve only chuckled, and you squeezed his hand, sending him a soft smile. The baby talk had increased as of late, but truthfully, it had been gradually increasing for pretty much a year. If it hadn’t been obvious before, it was now. Steve was ready to have children, and while it had been a topic that was only thrown into conversation here and there, you found yourself skimming over the subject at least once a week these days.

Surely you would get to a point where a serious discussion about it would be unavoidable. Steve loved you, and you were sure that you could talk him into waiting. After all, it wasn’t like you would be saying you never wanted kids. Just not now.

“I’m serious. All ‘Capsicle’ here talks about is kids. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think the two of you had been trying for months,” the dark-haired man continued, taking a sip of his drink.

He was throwing his annual holiday party tonight, always placed in between Christmas and New Year’s, despite the fact that he threw parties on those days too. You just thought that Tony liked any excuse to party and drink.

“Sadly no,” Steve said, his tone surprising you. “We’re still just enjoying each other as much as we can. Right?”

He looked at you, and your smile faltered a bit, but you nodded. That was what you always told him whenever the topic came up. If you didn’t know any better, you’d say that Steve sounded bitter, upset even. You turned away from him, taking a sip of your champagne with a frown. You suddenly wondered if he knew, but that was easily dismissed. If Steve knew that you had secretly aborted 3 of his children, you’d be on the receiving end of more than just a strained smile and a passive aggressive tone. 

You worried that tonight would be the night where you’d have the big talk, where you’d have to come out and tell Steve to give you more time. It was wild to think that even though there was nothing wrong with waiting to have kids, you felt horrible about asking Steve to do so. Maybe it was because he’s so sweet? Or because he’s literally never asked you for anything else? Or maybe it was because you had deprived him of what he wanted three times over and the guilt was getting to you.

However, you weren’t able to do that. You hadn’t even realized that you had started to sway until the glass in your hand hit the floor, shattering upon impact. Steve had only a second to turn towards you before you were collapsing in his waiting arms. Against your will, you succumbed to darkness.

When you woke up, you were in the compound. You had been in the infirmary a handful of times so it was recognizable almost immediately. Nat was there when you woke up, and she sent you a small nervous smile.

“Well, hello sleepyhead. You gave us all quite the scare,” she murmured.

You hummed, briefly shutting your eyes as you pressed your hand to your head.

“Sorry. What...what happened?”

“You fainted,” she said, handing you the glass of water that was beside the bed.

You gratefully took it, gulping it down, surprised at how thirsty you were. You thanked her when you handed it back to her and was just about to ask her where Steve was when he strode through the door. His lips were pressed together, and you worried that he’d worried about you, but the sparkle in his eyes betrayed him, and you frowned.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Nat said before making to leave. “Take care of her, Steve.”

He was at your side just as the door shut behind her, and your frown deepened when a blinding smile spread over his lips. You were confused as he took your hand, keeping his lips there as he kissed it.

“Steve…?”

He shook his head.

“Sorry,” he said, sitting down next to you on the bed, facing you as he held your hand. 

The other reached out to brush over your cheek and across your jaw. Despite your confusion, you placed your hand on his, blinking at him, a bit unnerved by the look in his eye. 

You hadn’t seen that look since before you two officially became a couple.

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Everything is more than okay.”

He leaned in to press his lips against yours, soft and loving, and you kissed him back. When he pulled away, he looked at you like you were the most precious thing he’d ever seen, like you’d break with one touch.

“You’re pregnant,” he told you.

Your lips parted as his words washed over you, and you struggled to find something to say.

“...what?”

He repeated it with a smile, kissing you again before pulling you into a hug, one you did not return. Everything after that was a blur. Tony came in to make sure everything was fine. Dr. Cho said you were 4 weeks along is what he told you. He’d offered his congratulations, Steve took you home and wasted no time before wrapping his arms around you.

His touch was gentle throughout the night, but it lingered as if he never wanted to stop touching you. You don’t know how many times he made you come around him, but Steve didn’t seem to care about your exhaustion. With his lips constantly attached to your skin, he only cared about getting drunk off the taste of you. You let him have you as much as he wanted. You let him rejoice in this, because it was the least you could do before you broke his heart. 

He was awake in the morning before you, and the smell of breakfast cooking made your stomach growl. Gratefully, you didn’t seem to have any morning sickness, but your stomach still twisted from something entirely different as you made your way to the kitchen. Steve looked like anyone’s dream as he stood there in a fitted t-shirt and pajamas, pushing food onto a plate for you.

“Morning,” you mumbled.

He looked up and approached you with a smile, pressing a kiss to your lips as he returned your greeting.

“Go sit down. I’ll bring you your food,” he told you.

Reluctantly, you did so. You were quiet as he joined you, and you started nibbling on your food.

“Sweetheart,” he scolded at the action. “You’re eating for two now. You need to eat all of it.”

He was right, and under different circumstances you would do as he encouraged, but there was no point in putting this off.

“Steve, I don’t want to have this baby.”

You hadn’t mean to say it so bluntly, but there was no easy way to say it. There was no sense in hesitating. Steve froze almost immediately, and you reluctantly met his eyes as he stared at you. He rested his forearms on the table, a small frown on his face. He looked equal parts floored and confused and hurt, and you sighed.

“...what?”

“We’re not ready,” you whispered.

Steve scoffed, shaking his head at you.

“Of course, we are,” he argued.

“So you’re ready to give up being Captain America?” you asked him.

He hesitated, and you nodded.

“...exactly. You’re not, and that’s okay, and I would never ask you to, but that’s what's going to be required if we’re going to start a family now. You like doing what you do, and I like doing what I do. Neither one of us are ready to put a stop to any of it, at least not for the time being.”

“To be fair, I save lives. There will always be some Hollywood starlet who needs a dress or the latest shoes,” he replied.

“Excuse me?” you scoffed, looking at him like he’d slapped you.

He suddenly huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he eventually said. “I’m just saying that putting that on hold for a few years will hardly impact you. You can always pick it up again like you never left.”

“And why am I the one who has to sacrifice, Steve? You aren’t the only superhero-!”

“Hey, hey, I’m sorry,” he cut you off as your voice started to rise, reaching for your hand.

He brushed his thumb along the back in what was meant to be a soothing getsure, but you were still a bit heated at the way he’d diminished your career. 

“I’m sorry, okay? I just… I know that it’s going to be difficult-.”

“It’s going to be more than difficult. We’re talking about a baby! Both of us need to be here,” you told him.

He heaved a sigh, staring at you.

“So what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I don’t want to have a baby right now. Maybe in a few years, sure, but neither one of us are willing to sacrifice.”

You watched as his jaw ticked, eyes narrowing just a bit as he considered your words.

“So what does that mean?”

You crossed your arms over your chest as you leaned back, avoiding his eye.

“Y/N?”

“Steve-.”

“What the hell are you saying?”

You flinched, not used to Steve cursing, and you knew that he was angry. This very conversation was what you had tried so hard to prevent, and once again, you were cursing yourself for your negligence. How on earth did you manage to get pregnant again?

You stood from the table, trying to put off this fight for five more minutes, the same fight you’d been trying to prevent for a year. You and Steve hardly ever fought, but when you did, it was for the silliest of things. Things you’d both look back on and laugh at.

Not this.

You heard Steve follow you, and his grip on your wrist was hard as he pulled you to a halt. You spun around to face him like he’d lost his mind. You tried to get out of his hold, but he wasn’t budging. He knew what you were implying, what you planned to do, and he was angrier than you’d ever seen him.

“This is my decision,” you quietly told him, making his eyes darken. “You don’t have to agree with it, you don’t even have to like it, but you can’t make me go through with this pregnancy. Neither one of us are ready.”

“So I get no say?”

He tilted his head at you, and you blinked away tears.

“I don’t want this right now, Steve. I don’t, and I’m not going to change my mind, so what do you suggest we do?”

His face softened a bit, and he stepped closer.

“Let’s give it a try. Don’t put your career on hold, okay? We’ll try to make it work-.”

He cut himself off as you started to shake your head.

“No. I’m not going to take a gamble with our child’s livelihood. There should be no ‘trying to make it work’. When you bring a baby into this world, everyone involved should be 100% on board. Things need to start moving into place to accommodate that child. This is not how it should be.”

Steve swallowed, nostrils flaring as you argued, and you sighed again. The silence that followed was heavy, thick with tension and anger and an impending sense of doom. You loved Steve, but not enough to force yourself into having a baby for him. Your chest ached, and you wanted to cry.

“If...if this means that you don’t want to be with me anymore, then I understand, but… I’m not having this baby.”

He let you go, crossing his arms over his chest, and you stood there, waiting for the verdict. His tongue poked at the inside of his cheek, jaw moving as he grinded his teeth.

“We’re not breaking up.”

He continued before you could feel an ounce of relief.

“...and you’re not getting rid of my child.”

You rolled your eyes, swallowing another sigh as you rubbed your forehead.

“Steve-.”

“Do you hear me? You are not getting rid of my child,” he spat.

He stepped closer, and you found yourself narrowing your eyes at him.

“I went through a great deal of trouble to make sure you got pregnant in the first place, and you think I’m just going to let you get rid of it? Let all of it be in vain?”

His words sucked the air out of you, and your eyes widened as the gravity of them fully hit you. Your mouth parted, but no words came out because what could you say? You couldn’t even describe the shock and horror and disgust that tore through you in that moment, and you slowly took a step back from him.

You raised your hands in front of you as your mind whirled, eyes focused on the floor as you blinked. His confession finally put things into perspective. His words put the pieces together, and your breathing grew shallow as you processed the truth.

“I knew it.”

Your words were barely a whisper, but Steve heard you nonetheless, and you took another step back when he walked towards you.

“I knew it. I knew it. I knew it,” you quietly chanted to yourself.

That was the only thing running through your mind. Had your love for Steve allowed you to ignore what was right in front of you? You were diligent with your contraceptive, so so many pregnancies in such a short time had never made sense. You kept blaming yourself despite what was so obvious. Sure, Steve was family obsessed, but you had never considered the possibility. Or did you simply never want to?

You looked up at him like he was a stranger, vision blurry from your tears, and you shook your head.

“I knew it,” you cried. “I fucking knew it.”

Steve’s eyes were narrowed, and his head was cocked to the side, something in his eyes that scared you. 

“I kept wondering and wondering how it kept happening. How did I keep getting pregnant? It made no sense,” you said, more to yourself than him. “...and everytime...I felt bad. I felt like such a horrible girlfriend, and the whole time…”

You yelped when Steve’s hand made its way to your neck, pushing your back into the wall. His blue eyes were dark and venomous, a thunderous look on his beautiful face.

“You killed them?”

You didn’t respond, opting instead for fighting against him, but he wouldn’t move.

“I knew you should’ve been pregnant a long time ago. I made sure of it! And here I was thinking I did something wrong, that I messed up-.”

“Get off of me!”

You didn’t want to hear anything else about his fucked up plan, about how long he’d been doing this. You wanted him off of you and away from you. He pulled you away from the wall before slamming you back against it, making you gasp. You reached up to his chest and neck, desperately trying to get him off, but he only pressed himself more firmly against you.

“Steve,” you begged.

“You don’t know how badly I want to hurt you right now for what you did,” he sneered.

Your heart sank, and you thought to yourself that his lack of self awareness was astounding. How long had Steve been this way? Had he always been like this? How was it possible that you didn’t know your boyfriend at all?

“...but I’m sure that I can look past your betrayal when you are swollen and glowing with my child. That will make it all worth it.”

He kissed you, hard, and you screamed into his mouth. His hands pushed at the t-shirt you were wearing, his shirt, and your hands pushed at him. He lifted you until your thighs were on either side of his hips, and the sound of your hands hitting his skin filled the room. The food was barely thought about as he pressed your back to the table, pinning you down.

You were more terrified than you were five minutes ago, knowing what was about to happen no matter how much you wished you were wrong. Steve Rogers, Captain America himself, your boyfriend, was about to rape you and force you to keep his baby. It was a sentence you had the hardest time accepting, and all of your overwhelming emotions spilled over, turning you into a sobbing mess.

Did you really miss this, or was he just so good at hiding who he truly was? 

Your hits were doing nothing as he reached between you, struggling to release himself with all of your movement. His free hand grabbed both of yours, holding them to your stomach just as he pushed into you. You threw your head back and cried, wondering how you got here. To think, you had thought that you were so lucky. You had thought that you were a terrible girlfriend for what you had been doing. Life was funny that way.

Your body had grown to crave Steve’s. He’d learned how to condition you so well that your core immediately started to clench around him with every thrust. You hated it, and you turned your head away, not wanting to witness him taint something that had never been anything but loving for you. His lips were on your jaw, searching for yours, and you tried to push against his hand.

With his other hand now free, he used them both to pin yours down beside you, lips finally finding yours despite your evident protest. You kept turning your head away, and he kept following. He tasted the inside of your mouth, hips pressing into yours over and over. The table beneath you shook from the force, and your stomach clenched with the pleasure that he was forcing onto you.

How did he do it? Clearly he’d poked a hole in every condom, but you knew it required more than that. Had he replaced your birth control with placebos? Had he acted alone? Tony had just about everything known to man at his disposal. Had he been in on it too?

“You’re going to look so beautiful,” he whispered into your mouth.

Another sob hit you, and you shook.

“You’re going to be absolutely radiant, and you’ll be just as beautiful when you walk down the aisle.”

You gasped at this, increasing your struggle, but he simply pulled your wrists away from the table before slamming them down. You winced in pain, and he hummed.

“...and I’ll fill you up again and again and again.”

You kicked your legs around him, body trembling as hysterical sobs left you, shuddering with every thrust into your dripping core. A particularly hard thrust pushed you over the edge, and the way you fluttered around him triggered his own climax. He came inside of you with a groan, wrapping his arms around you, preventing you from fighting back at all as he pinned your arms to your side.

His cock was still hard and still inside of you, his lips pressing kisses to your face. You felt like you were in a bad dream, and you wanted to wake up so badly. His lips traveled to your ear, brushing along the skin, and a shudder passed through you.

“Everyone will know that I tamed you, that I broke you until you were mine in every way.”

~

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#dark steve rogers #dark steve x reader #dark!steve rogers #dark!steve x reader #Steve Rogers #steve rogers x reader #Dark Fic