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mistydeyes · 11 months

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a panacea

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pan·a·ce·a noun

a solution or remedy for all difficulties or diseases.

summary: In pharmacy school, patient interaction was a core part of the curriculum. You tirelessly remember long, coffee-fueled nights going over your notes for each Professional Practice Skills class. The 141 boys make sure you can exercise these communication skills daily.

141's medical file reference

pairing: Task Force 141 x pharmacist!Reader

warnings: medical/pharmacy terminology, medical inaccuracies, swearing, depiction of wounds and needles, fluff, flirting, and mutual crushes

a/n: i'm an american pharmacy student so sorry for some inaccuracies about how pharmacy across the pond

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As you walked into the pharmacy and began your shift, you paged through a few recent scripts and checked in with your technicians. Your graduation from university, years of clinical experience, and now your more recent military training seemed like a distant memory. You would constantly see a variety of service men and women every day without much thought. Yes, there were some repeat individuals but overall everything seemed to blend.

Despite this, you still attempted to form a meaningful interaction with each patient regardless of what they’d be picking up. Doctors were constantly bothersome with questions about the recommended treatment and asking for a drug not listed on the formulary. Patients were different though, you would always try to have a friendly conversation and wonder what missions they would be deployed on once they left the queue. As you prepared to work through today’s prescriptions and tackle a new medication supply, you reminded yourself that today was filled with a new set of faces to meet.

price

The members of 141 were all too familiar with a distant employment in a foreign country. It was part of the job description, something you do without question. However, some countries had the luxury of also having medication to take for the duration of the trip. Malaria is no joke and you always had to ensure you ordered an abundant supply of antimalarials for the soldiers constantly going around the world.

Today was no exception, your new order had literally been flying off the shelves. It was the post-breakfast rush and you had a few boxes left of atovaquone/proguanil (Malarone). Although the frequency of taking these was a pain, you loved the easy verification and packaging of the box.

As you continued to provide the queue with their prescriptions, a familiar face and hat made its way to the front.

"Ah Captain Price, back again?" you grinned as he approached the counter.

"Back too soon," the man chuckled, the deep baritone of his laugh bouncing across the walls. "I believe I have a couple of things to pick up from you, love."

With that, you pulled his file up and confirmed his array of medications. Generally, nothing out of the ordinary you noted and acknowledged the new addition of Malarone.

"Yes just give me a moment," you replied as you went to grab his bag.

As the bottles rattled around in the bag, you took a peek and counted the correct number of bottles/boxes, and verified their appearance.

"Now are you going for leisure or work? I saw the newest order for an antimalarial." Secretly you knew the answer but there was always the possibility that the Captain was going on leave.

He let out another small chuckle, "I think you know the answer to that one, doll. Duty calls."

You smiled back, the small inclusion of pet names brightening your day. "Alright then, and I'm assuming you know the regimen. This isn't your first rodeo."

"Yeah, take one for the next day, every day there, and for the week when I get back." You hummed in agreement with his response and he gave you a quick thanks before turning to go.

"Oh but while you're here, any interest in some smoking cessation recommendations!" Like before, you knew the answer. This man was loyal to his country and even more loyal to his cigars. The air filled with the fragrance of musk and cigar smoke whenever he came in definitely made an impression on you.

With this last comment, he let out a final, breathy laugh before responding, "You are many things, Captain, but that's a fucking miracle I don't believe you can pull off."

soap

Infections were no surprise to you. Especially working in the military, there was plenty of incidence for it. Most of the time and even after the doctor patched them up and directed them on proper care, there would still be a select few that would return with an infection.

The rest of the morning was quiet, you were able to catch up on some documentation and had time to pop into the medical wing to provide your pharmacist expertise. That's why when everyone's favorite Scot came by to pick up his antibiotic you didn't mind the company.

"Hi gorgeous, I'm here because of some doc's slipshod job stitching me up." He beamed as he raised his forearm to reveal new stitches and a clearly red, inflamed area. You quickly pulled up his file and your suspicions of an infection were confirmed.

"Sure, MacTavish. I completely believe that the medic specifically botched yours out of the whole team," you sarcastically replied. You served multiple tours with the "guilty" medic and knew they were of equal expertise to you. There was a reason they were performing surgeries while you provided insight and the medication. "I also trust you managed to keep the wound clean and didn't do anything stupid like, I don't know, training instead of resting," you finished as you raised an eyebrow.

He looked like a child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. "Ah good one, Doc, I guess nothing is getting past you."

"Mhmm, I'll make you think twice about negatively referring to my colleagues. And again, you know I'm not a doctor. If I were, you know I wouldn't be so willing to stitch you up and send you on your way" you jokingly threatened. He shuddered slightly, he wouldn't want to imagine a world where you were his medic on the battlefield. But then again, his constant injuries would mean frequent visits.

"But I would get to see that gorgeous face of yours more," he joked and you could feel your face flush. His flirty antics and your eye rolls were a staple of this relationship.

"Do you talk to everyone this way?" you countered, "I bet your superiors love the constant flow of compliments and just blush at your tone."

"Oh yes, they do. My Lieutenant turns into a giggling mess underneath his mask. Do you know he's bloody handsome under that? You should try flooding him with pet names and admiration to see for yourself." He responded, a clear sarcasm in his voice evident even with his familiar accent.

"Will do, MacTavish. Now will you let me get your medication so I can return you to your loverboy?"

"Of course, Captain" he saluted exaggeratedly as you walked to the rows of shelves.

You opened the bag and then placed the verified medication into his hand. "You know the routine and for the love of God, please finish the amount in here. I don't want to be seeing another order for Augmentin from you any time soon!"

"Yes, love, but nothing can stop this machine from gathering more illnesses and wounds requiring your expert care." You rolled your eyes as he explained and gave a cocky gesture showcasing his chiseled injured body.

"Don't mess with me, you know I can easily sneak my way into the med ward and make sure you go nighty-night." You were bluffing, the Hippocratic oath painfully engraved in your mind. But it didn't hurt to joke back.

"Oh I'll be sure to watch out for you, scary legal drug dealer." With this last jab, he walked out and left you chuckling to yourself at his antics.

gaz

The flowers and trees were in full bloom around the base. It reminded you of the days studying outside and crying over learning your Year 2 immunology coursework. However, just like immunology, pollen just made your job more difficult. It seemed like the scripts for nasal sprays and allergy medication were endless. Day after day you would go to work with your technician as you helped their workload by filling the myriad of prescriptions.

Following the quiet lunch hour, the pharmacy quickly became flooded with people. As a younger soldier presented to your counter, you could immediately guess what they were here for.

Although he was not one of your repeat offenders, his watery eyes and the constant flow of sniffles made it clear that he was another victim of the unrelenting pollen.

“Garrick, Kyle,” he said and you couldn’t help but feel bad for him as he stood there a sniffling mess. You typed his name in and checked his credentials as he turned to sneeze.

“Ah yes, you have a nasal spray and another prescription here. Just give me a moment.” You walked away from the counter as you heard him chuckle and call out, “You wouldn’t happen to have a panacea back there would you?”

“Unfortunately I do not,” you said and frowned upon your return, “But just take these once a day with water and use the nasal spray as needed. One puff in each nose should do the trick and don’t forget to shake it!” You explained. Holding the small container of pills you noted, "Plus this is Piriteze, so you won't feel tired after taking but I usually recommend taking a half hour before you know you're going outside or having any interaction with pollen."

He nodded in agreement and took out a tissue to blow his nose for the hundredth time today. This action didn't relieve his congestion. Allergies were really the bane of everyone's existence and you felt for him as he let out a couple of sneezes and apologized.

As he took the bag you gently said, “Sometimes something spicy really clears everything out. Spice has the benefit of being both delicious and working as a decongestant. You’ll definitely need some tissues but it’s worth it in my opinion.” With that, you offered a wink and sent him on his way.

"You're truly an angel. I'll be sure to update you, love," he beamed at you with a dashing smile. You would be flattered if it had not been for his subsequent barrage of sneezes.

A few days later, a pleased Gaz returned to you and explained your life hack had worked. One half bottle of hot sauce later and he had been congestion free. Brushing your astonishment at his spice tolerance aside, you explained that it had been just the medicine. However, Gaz would soon be giving everyone an earful of your non-conventional methods. Although his mates constantly joked about the image of him drowning in snot (a picture gracefully captured by Soap), he was thankful for you, the pretty pharmacist, and the help.

ghost

You could feel the headache forming from the fluorescent lights and the busy day you were currently having. This morning new missions called for you to enforce the regimen of taking antimalarials and in the afternoon, returning soldiers required pain medication and antibiotics (although you were thankful these were tablets and not through IVs). However, this was no challenge to you and you were further encouraged by the recent positive interactions you’d been having.

Just as you stepped away for a water break, your desktop notified you of a patient awaiting their prescription. You sighed and walked over to see the patient file as well as what medication they’d be receiving today.

You read the name carefully and slowly, partially because of your tiredness as well as your irrational fear of giving the patient the wrong medication.

“Riley, Simon” you mumbled and kept repeating the name as you walked amongst the rows of bags to retrieve the medication.

Just some routine painkillers. You examined the container to verify the oval, white pills of paracetamol.

As you notified the waiting soldier, your computer showed a reminder that they were due for a flu shot. You smiled, immunizations were often done routinely through a clinic but sometimes, you would get a break from your day and be able to administer one.

You acknowledged the reminder just as the soldier walked up. Tall, brooding, and donning a unique balaclava, you presumed this was Simon Riley. Your earlier conversation with Soap made you realize that this was the man who put up with all of his antics. You wondered if the paracetamol was for an injury or his raging headache from his Sergeant.

Recognizing his rank, you greeted him warmly and went to verify his patient credentials. He was a quiet man, only replying to your necessary prompts. This further added evidence that the medication was because of Soap, the chatterbox that he is. As you handed over his prescription, you let him know the bad news.

“Unfortunately, you are due for a flu shot but I can have you out of here in less than 15 minutes if you’d like?” you smiled, "or you could always just have me refer you out to get it while you're on leave."

"I'll do it now, don't know the next time I'd be returning," he spoke lowly. You wondered where he would be off to next as he pocketed the medication and nodded in agreement.

You motioned for him to sit in the designated area and prepared the necessary materials. As you walked over to the vaccine area now occupied by the large man, you positioned yourself to the side of him. You performed your typical routine of verifying the prescription and noting the necessary numbers before you felt the need to break the silence.

“You know, I used to be terrified of these as a child. I hope you didn’t have the same experience, Lieutenant,” you chuckled as you began to clean his bicep. You admired the tattoo on his right arm, so intricate and beautiful.

“I’ve had much worse, trust me,” he replied and you could almost hear the smile in his voice. Well, I guess the man of few words has a sense of humor.

“That’s good to hear! You wouldn’t imagine the number of recruits that squirm even before I’ve begun to prep their arm. I thought all that training taught you guys to be tough.” With this, you both laughed and you began to position your hand ensuring the needle was going into the proper area.

You felt him slightly tense under your touch but you gave him a reassuring pat on the hand. You knew as a child that the best way was to finish the vaccine before they even had time to react.

“You can hold my hand if you’d like,” you joked, not realizing that he was pink under his mask. "Or you could be a good little soldier and I might give you a lolly" you continued further, teasing the man. He was so glad to have the safety of concealment as you were really rubbing it in. He waved you off with his other hand and you went about a quick administration.

“See that’s not so bad,” you smiled and you went to apply a bandage. Unfortunately, you realized you were out of your typical issued bandaids and quickly grabbed a colorful, neon star one.

He glanced down and responded with a low, “What the hell is that?”

“I’m sorry it’s the only one I have at the moment, but you should be able to take it off before bed tonight!” you apologized and you fastened it onto his strong bicep.

Little did you know that your small talk and neon bandage had endeared you to the Lieutenant. Your reassuring touch and soft actions made him believe you’d be a better fit for a position in pediatrics than here. Although he would have to explain the ridiculous stars, he found himself wanting to get all of his vaccines from you.

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first time writing and posting here in like forever! hope you enjoyed this mw2 content :)

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salti-thelatediagnosedautist · 1 year

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The beginner autistic guide to common terms in our community (with extra context!).

*Disclaimer, I’m not a professional. This is just knowledge from my experience as an autistic person. Please feel free to correct anything :)

These definitions will include some of my own opinions and thoughts, especially on the more controversial terms. This is simply to help better prepare new autistic community members for conversations they become engaged in. Having all the perspective and context you can have can be very helpful when moving into new social spaces.

Autism (Or Autistic Spectrum Disorder, ASD): A neurodevelopmental disorder that is present from very early childhood. It’s mostly recognised through difficulties with social interaction and restricted and/or repetitive behaviours. The way it is referred to as “Autism Spectrum Disorder” is specifically referring to the fact that autism presents in countless ways. There are common traits and patterns, but the severity and complexity of those traits and symptoms is infinite.

NOTE: This does not mean that ‘everyone is a little bit autistic’. You are either autistic or you are not. It just means that if you have autism, it may present very differently to other autistic people you know.

Asperger’s Syndrome: Asperger’s syndrome is usually considered an older term for a ‘subtype’ of autism. The term is considered outdated by the DSM-5 and no longer used in that document. However it is still used in a lot of other countries. Now it is becoming more socially known that ‘Asperger’s syndrome’ is just a specific presentation of autism. Many autistics don’t like the use of the word ‘Asperger’s’ because of a couple reasons:

The term has a long history with NAZI’s and eugenics.

The term seems to basically mean ‘high functioning’ autistic, which simplifies the condition.

Asperger’s Syndrome is defined in a very similar way to autism, however people with “Asperger’s’ may be described as ‘gifted’ or ‘intellectual’.

It’s important to note that many people still identify themselves with the term ‘Asperger’s’. While it is good to be educated and up to date with terminology, some people have identified with this term their whole life and it’s not wrong to use the term for one-self. But either way, I do encourage you to do more research if you are comfortable.

Neurotype: Can be basically defined as the type of brain function one has. Some people consider autism a neurotype, and then neurotypical as another neurotype. However, many people claim that autism is ‘just another neurotype’. This is a harmful way of thinking about autism because autism is a disability. Labelling it as a ‘neurotype’ belittles all the struggles autistic people have that make them disabled. Autism is a spectrum and so some autistic people may not really consider themselves disabled, but many do.

Neurotypical (NT): A non-autistic person with no other mental conditions.

Allistic: A non-autistic person who can still have other mental conditions, such as depression or ADHD.

Neurodivergent (ND): Traditionally ‘Neurodivergent’ has been used to mean either autistic or ADHD. However in some contexts it is used to mean someone with any mental condition, including personality disorders or mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety.

Neurodiversity: a term used to describe the fact that there are many neurotypes in the world. It is used to imply that differences in brain development and function should be accepted as relatively normal. I think this is a good sentiment, but that some neurotypes should still be considered disabilities as well as a neurotype, so as not to diminish the struggles specific neurotypes go through.

High functioning/Low functioning: The labels of functioning are terms used to describe how independent an autistic (or other kind of disabled) person is able to be. Many autistics do NOT like the use of these terms for a couple reasons:

It tends to focus on the way an autistics disability affects the allistic people around them.

It simplifies the experience of the individual with autism to how independent they are, and is also not very descriptive for anyone trying to help the said autistic person.

High needs/Low needs: These are labels used to describe how much assistance an autistic (or other kind of disabled) person may need. It is slightly preferred by autistic people as the language is more centred to what the autistic person needs, rather than how independent they can be.

NOTE, many autistic people would argue that these terms are basically the same as high functioning and low functioning. I personally consider it to be best to just state someones highest needs or difficulties. For example “Olivia is nonverbal and highly sensitive to light and noise.”.

Masking: Masking is the act of hiding ones autistic traits to appear to be neurotypical. Masking is often a survival strategy developed by autistics to evade bullying or isolation. Masking can include suppressing the urge to stim, forcing oneself to make eye contact, learning how to ‘properly’ execute facial expressions, studying body language, etc. Masking can be an extremely vital skill for autistic people, but when an autistic person has to mask for long periods of time it can lead to negative consequences such as burn out or meltdowns. Masking can also be used in the context of other disabilities, such as ADHD.

Scripting: Scripting is a form of masking, when an autistic person pre-plans or practices responses or entire conversations. You may have a script you unconsciously follow for questions like “how are you?” Or “how is work?”, etc. It may be inspired from TV shows, movies or observing other people interact.

Burn out: Burn out is when an autistic person reaches their limit and has decreased energy for an extended period of time. Burn out may last anywhere between a couple days or a few years. Burn out is often caused by excessive masking, but can also be caused by repeated rejection, bullying or other mental conditions. Burn out is not the same as depression, but it can co-exist with depression.

Meltdown: A meltdown is when an autistic person experiences what might look like a ‘tantrum’. The person may be very angry, yelling, punching or hitting things (or themselves). They may be aggressively stimming or humming to themselves. A meltdown, internally, feels as if you are completely filled with negative energy, as if you might burst. It can feel like extreme irritation, or anger, or shame. Meltdowns can be caused by any number of stressful situations. For an autistic person this can be having a lot of social events, their routine being disrupted, having to eat foods they don’t like, being overstimulated, or even just negative social interactions.

Shutdown: A shutdown is very similar to a meltdown, in how it can be caused. For me personally, I tend to have a shutdown if I am not in a safe place to have a meltdown. From the outside it looks very similar to dissociation, and it can co-exist with dissociation. It typically feels like you are shutting down, turning off. You emotions were about to burst and then you just went numb. You may be unable to move, or go non-verbal. You may be crying quietly or you may simply just very suddenly feel the need to go home.

NOTE: Meltdowns and shutdowns can appear to feel like a panic attack, but they are different. Panic attacks come from intense feelings of dread or doom. Meltdowns and shutdowns come from repeated, or intense, stressful situations for an autistic.

Hypersensitive: Hypersensitivity is when the brain processes sensory input (such as touch, taste and smell) as much more intense than a neurotypical person would. This can mean that a slight cold breeze may feel painfully cold. Or looking outside a window can hurt ones eyes because it feels too bright. Or having to wear specific textures to stay calm.

Hyposensitive: Hyposensitivity is the opposite of hypersensitivity. It is when your brain inteprets sensory input as much less intense than a neurotypical would. Ways this can present in an autistic person include not realising when they hurt themselves, having a high pain tolerance, being unaware of temperature changes, etc. You may also not recognise your bodies hunger cues, dehydration or need for sleep.

NOTE: An autistic person can experience both hypersensitivity and hyposensitivity. It can also fluctuate day-to-day.

Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD): SPD is basically the term for experiencing lots of variation in your sensory input. It is similar to Auditory processing disorder. Which is where your hearing is technically fine (you aren’t any form of deaf), but you have trouble distinguishing what specific sounds are, or listening to one, important sound, in an area with lots of different noises (for example, being unable to understand what someone is saying next to you, because the TV is on.)

Overstimulation: This is when an autistic person has been experiencing too many different sensations at once, or for an extended period of time. This may be caused by too many noises happening at once. Or even just one annoying sound repeating for a long time. It can also be triggered by touch, taste, sight and smell.

Executive function/dysfunction: Executive function is the term used to describe how the brain initiates tasks. For neurodivergent folk, our executive function is often dysfunctional. This means we can often find it difficult to start new tasks. A way you may experience it is when you are sitting down, you may be screaming internally that you need to go and get some food, but your body seems unwilling to co-operate. Having executive dysfunction does not mean you are lazy, or do not want to do the task, it means you may be unable to do the task.

Autistic intertia: Autistic inertia is related to executive dysfunction, because it is a term that helps describe how autistic people struggle to switch or initiate tasks. “ An autistic at rest remains at rest, and an autistic in motion remains in motion”.

Special interest/Hyperfixation: A special interest is a extremely long term interest/obsession with a particular topic. An example might be being really into pokemon. Learning all the different types of pokemon, playing all the games and collecting heaps of merch. A hyperfixation is a more short-lived interest that can be destructive in it’s severity (for example, it might get so extreme that it’s the only thing you can think about, to the point where you neglect your needs). Special interests are less likely to be destructive. But hyperfixations can be healthy and normal too.

Stimming: Stimming or self stimulation is the act of doing repetitive movements to help self regulate. Stimming can look like spinning, chewing, flapping hands, dancing, foot tapping, pen clicking, touch soft fabrics, using weighted blankets, lighting candles, eating crunchy snacks, etc. All of these forms of movement or repetitive sensory input can help us regulate our emotions better, prevent a meltdown or shutdown, or focus on a task easier.

NOTE: Echolalia is another term you may hear. It is a form of stimming in which an autistic person repeats sounds/phrases over and over.

ADHD: Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder is a neurodevelopmental disorder like autism, but it affects the brain in different ways. It often presents as having difficulties with paying attention, regulating emotions and hyperactivity (or, alternatively, it can present as being inattentive).

Savant or Savant syndrome: A condition when someone with some type of significant mental disability is an expert/’savant’ in a particular field, to the point of surpassing neurotypical experts. An example might be having photographic memory, or being able to learn languages extremely easily, or being an extraordinary mathematician. Autistic people often don’t like to hear the term ‘savant’ as we are often only valued by ‘society’ if we are savants. And if we are not, then we are often treated as lesser. This is kind of a form of eugenics.

Eugenics: Eugenics is a philosophy or belief that we can selectively breed humans to ‘improve’ humanity. Or create the ‘perfect race’. This was an idealogy practiced by Adolf Hitler during WWII, which lead to the holocaust. Eugenics is often a subtly underlying philosophy behind many statements that, on face value, seem relatively harmless. For example - “autism is the next step in evolution” is currently a popular statement. However, this implies that every other neurotype is not an improvement, which therefore implies that being autistic is superior. This would be considered a form of eugenics. Eugenics is considered a horrible philosophy because it encourages people to look down on others and dehumanise anyone not like themselves.

Co-morbidity: A co-morbidity is the term used for a condition that is regularly seen in conjunction with another condition. For example, autism and ADHD are often seen together. However, it can also be used to simply describe someone who has more than one condition (physical or mental).

AuDHDer: Someone with autism and ADHD. Just a shortened way to refer to people with both disabilities.

Selective mutism/Situational mutism: When an autistic person (or other neurotype) experiences periods of being unable to speak or communicate. This can often occur in stressful situations, like before tests or during doctors appointments. It is officially referred to as ‘selective mutism’ but many are trying to change it to ‘situational mutism’ as the individual does not willingly choose when they go non-verbal.

Alexithymia: Alexithymia is typically described as the inability to define and/or describe ones emotions. So you may often feel a type of discomfort, but not be able to label what it is. Not being able to distinguish between anger and irritability. Or not knowing if you feel sad or confused. It can make seeking professional help for many conditions really difficult, as you are unable to put your experience into words. It can also be similar to hyposensitivity in the way that it makes it difficult to understand what you body is feeling.

Dyspraxia: Dyspraxia is a disorder that affects co-ordination, movement and balance. It can make things such as sports, driving, cooking and writing difficult. It is fairly common in autistic people.

Prosopagnosia: The inability to recognise/remember faces. It is more common in autistic people.

Synesthesia: Synesthesia is when one form of sensory input is sometimes also experienced as another. For example, someone with this condition may see colours when they hear someones name. They may hear a song and get a taste in their mouth. This is also more common in autistic people.

FINAL NOTE: Autism is a spectrum and you may not experience all of these different terms, or you may not experience them in the way I described them. That does not mean you aren’t autistic. This is not a diagnostic tool. This is simply a guide to learning the terms you may often hear when discussing autism.

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quietblueriver · 4 months

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A little Imodna fic re: Imogen’s trip through Ruidus and Laudna’s reaction to it. Angst and fluff and comfort bc they deserve it.

When the dream is over, Imogen has feelings about her trip through Ruidus, about what she wants and whether she’s wanted.

After the others leave, she and Laudna get some time to talk about it.

It’s quiet in their room.

Imogen’s curled toward the edge of the mattress, knees tucked up just slightly, the thick comforter keeping her almost too warm. Normally, she’d turn to Laudna, press close so that the cool of her body balanced out the heat of their bed. Tonight, she doesn’t.

She knows Laudna is awake, can hear the push and pull of thread through her latest project, feels the light touch of fingers on her shoulder every few minutes, gentle enough that they wouldn’t wake Imogen if she were sleeping. She’s not sure if Laudna thinks she is sleeping or if she’s letting Imogen pretend. Which is another way of saying Laudna’s either not paying enough attention to notice that Imogen is awake and caught in her thoughts or she doesn’t feel the need to check in. Either way, and despite herself, Imogen feels it like a slight.

A feeling that causes the weight of shame and an ever-lurking sense of failure to rise up and make the heat almost unbearable. She worms a foot out as quietly as she can, ears hyper-aware of the rustle of fabric she can’t stop.

Laudna’s sewing continues uninterrupted. Imogen’s chest grows somehow more full with her feelings and all the words she’s biting back.

Even now.

Even after their trials with Nana Morri, after all that angsting over honesty and communication and trust, Imogen is quiet.

There are options. She’d known that before they’d been thrown into a pit and attacked by murder wasps and tricked into doubt. There have always been options.

She could turn over. She could reach out her hand and grasp Laudna’s wrist and let Laudna see her eyes. She could ask Laudna to talk to her, could tell her about the thoughts circling and circling through her mind, the ones that have been there since that night in the basement with Delilah.

She doesn’t. She’s tired. And she feels, if she’s honest with herself (and maybe that was the exercise they all needed first, because Imogen’s fairly certain she’s not the only one of the Hells who has difficulty living in her own truths sometimes), like she has been the one bridging the gap, or trying to, without any indication that it’s welcome. Like her honesty and vulnerability have recently been met with hesitancy and hedging and eyes toward a future very different from the one that Imogen had thought they both wanted.

The doubt, an old friend, had begun growing louder in that basement with Delilah and had reached its peak tonight.

The question about giving in to Ruidus was genuine. They’d talked about it before and put it to the side, but now that they’re closer, now that they’re getting ready to really go and do this, it felt important to raise again. She wanted their opinions, because they’d just watched what happened if one of them decided to make a choice like that in isolation, and it wasn’t good.

She wanted to know what they thought, wanted to be as smart about it as she could be.

If you’d asked her, though, even the moment before the question left her lips, whether Laudna needed to be there for that conversation, she would have said no.

Because she knew Laudna’s answer. She saw Laudna’s face furrowing in reaction to her offering her soul on the Crimson Abyss, heard Laudna’s violent threats of protection on her behalf, felt the cold of her form of dread spread and snarling over her as they fought. She knew Laudna’s answer, and it was, “No.”

This was a given, because she loved Imogen more than she loved anything, and because even if Imogen wasn’t trying to be unnecessarily self-sacrificial, there was no denying that giving in could be dangerous.

Except it hadn’t been no. It hadn’t been no, and then, when she’d come back to herself, come back to the cold, exhausting world after feeling so warm, so whole in the heart of Ruidus, and told them just a sliver of it, it still hadn’t been no.

It had been, “If it’s what you want.” It had been, “I don’t want to hold you back.”

And Imogen knows that Laudna loves her. She knows, because Laudna shows her, has shown her, every day.

But the deep and sharpening doubt inside of her says confidently that the love they have for each other isn’t the same.

Imogen wants Laudna. She wants her in every way. There is no future for her, hasn’t been for a long time, that doesn’t have Laudna at its center.

There is nothing she wants more than a cottage with a horse or two and garden beds for Laudna, a porch with a little table where she can start her day with the sunrise while Laudna sleeps and they can end their days with the sunset together, a kitchen like Zhudanna’s, with a stove that works and favorite mugs and a window that looks out at the forest. A home that is warm and easy and theirs.

There is nothing she wants more than to be there, with Laudna. To kiss her good morning and good night and anytime in between. To love her for as long as she’s alive.

And yes, Imogen knows that Laudna loves her.

Long before she kissed her in that marketplace in Jrusar, Imogen knew that Laudna loved her in a way that nobody else ever had. A love so deep and steadfast and self-sacrificial that it made Imogen scared to express the nature of her own feelings because she was afraid Laudna would force herself into something she didn’t want just to make Imogen happy.

Without the circlet, she’d been able to hear the flow of Laudna’s thoughts, often, and understandably, preoccupied with the immediate dangers of their lives after joining the Hells. It felt selfish, in light of that, to ask for more, to put one more thing on her.

And she’d been afraid to say anything without certainty, without some kind of hint from Laudna that she wasn’t going to hurt Laudna and herself and everything they’d built together.

She’d gotten close, before the Solstice. The future they were imagining, the roles they played for each other, Laudna’s own words about Imogen and what she wanted—it closed the gap a little. Made it easier for Imogen to think that maybe, one day, she’d know they were in the same place. That it would be safe to tell Laudna that her love had at some point spilled over its neatly drawn box and had only kept spilling, running over the lines between friendship and devotion and desire until it was all one big pool.

The circlet might’ve made it harder. After all, it was the opposite of confirmation. But the split, her time in Uthodurn, it only made Imogen’s need, selfish as it was, stronger, and when she didn’t have the discouragement of what she thought was knowledge, didn’t have access enough to know that her own want, so fierce sometimes she could hardly think of anything else, was unmatched, she couldn’t keep telling herself the same story about waiting. Fear lost to love (to greed, to desire, to impulse) and suddenly she was kissing Laudna next to the bread stall.

And Laudna was kissing her back. And Laudna was touching her and telling her, softly and with the purpled blush that made Imogen warm and light with affection, that she loved her.

Imogen believed her. She had no reason to doubt her.

Except, of course, for the circlet. Except for the niggling, shameful, persistent voice that reminded her that she could be sure, if she just took off the circlet. That she could be sure, if she let herself explore. That it would save both of them pain if she took even just a minute to be certain that they were on the same page, that Laudna wasn’t just doing her another thing to try to make Imogen happy.

She’d never pry. But without the circlet, she could maybe just stumble into the truth. Fall on it the way she fell onto so many thoughts in the world.

It’s the ugliest part of her. The part of her that believed for most of her life that she knew people because she knew their thoughts, that she didn’t need to listen or to watch who someone was in the world because she could see the real them, the true them.

She knows better now. She knows that people can, and do, fight against their impulses and desires and the darkest voices in their minds. That people work to be more, and better, than their base thoughts.

The problem is, though, that sometimes they don’t. Sometimes people let their impulses lead them and they keep their mouths closed and their hands busy and suddenly you’re watching your friend explode into a million pieces, putting themself and everybody else you love at risk.

She would’ve known, if she’d taken off the circlet. She would’ve seen the plans and heard the reasons and she could’ve done something.

And yeah, it’s about trust. Of course it is. But it’s also about reality, and the reality is that people find it hard to talk about things, especially hard things, and with the Hells, that has the potential to be catastrophic. Has been catastrophic.

It’s easy, to let that logic lead her. She needs to take it off. For protection. For the people she loves.

But if she’s honest with herself, if she fights to be honest with herself if no one else, there are other, more selfish reasons why she sometimes wants the circlet gone.

The biggest one is lying right beside her, humming softly to herself as she works through “the difficult bit. Do you think green or orange, dearest, for the tail?” A question asked before Delilah’s appearance, Laudna’s eyes excited as she held out the options and Imogen kissing her in favor of an answer.

Imogen loves Laudna far too much to leave the worst parts of herself an opening, so the circlet had gone back on as soon as it had been just the two of them. Temptation removed. Laudna had watched but asked no questions and Imogen had offered no explanation and now she’s stuck here in this too-hot bed with her own rambling and pathetic thoughts, lonelier than she has been in a long, long time and looking for a reason not to run as fast as she can back toward the warmth and comfort of that place in her dreams.

Part of her understands. She’d sat, broken-hearted and trembling, on a floor in godsforsaken Whitestone and told Laudna that she loved her and that it was her choice, whether to come back. It was her decision, and Imogen would never ever try to take that from her, even as every part of her wanted to beg and plead and crack open in supplication.

Imogen had refused to be yet another person who denied Laudna a choice. If loving her had meant letting her go, then she would have done it, no matter the cost to herself.

So she understands, a little. If Laudna thinks that what she wants is to leave, to…join with? Return to? Whatever, with Ruidus, and she thinks she’s the reason Imogen is denying herself, then sure, Imogen can understand some of it.

But Imogen’s hopes for the future aren’t mysterious. Even before their kiss, she was clear with Laudna that what she wanted was her. She’d said it over and over again. She’d offered those dreams willingly, in defiance of every part of herself that told her it was foolish and dangerous and pitiful, that reminded her that building a future with someone else was a surefire way to end up like her daddy, lonely and bitter.

Her love won out, and, in the biggest gift of Imogen’s life, Laudna understood. Laudna wanted the same things.

Except maybe she didn’t.

She kicks her second foot out from under the covers, less concerned with the noise, and Laudna stops her motion for a moment, reaches a hand out to touch Imogen’s shoulder.

“Imogen?”

It isn’t really a choice, in the end. Laudna has called her, so she will answer.

“Hmm?”

“Are you…”

The bed shifts, sounds of Laudna putting away her things and moving until her body is against Imogen’s, the hand on her shoulder drifting down to rest on her waist. The cool press of her is such a familiar relief that Imogen almost cries.

“Are you alright?”

Yes. No. Of course not. She feels weak as the water gathers in the corner of her eyes and she bites back her instinct to snap. Anger is first, almost always, and tonight is no exception.

Love surges quickly and she lets it win, feels it temper in the form of an exhalation and the moment she needs to settle herself. Laudna’s trying. Imogen wants her to know, and this is the only way she can.

The metal of the circlet presses into her temple as she gives her body what it wants and shifts back, closer, holds Laudna’s arm to her with her own.

“Do you…do you really not…”

She clears her throat, embarrassed at the sadness and exhaustion that fill the gap left by her receding anger. She’s so tired, and she hates that they’re having this conversation. That they have to have it. That she can’t say what she wants. What she needs.

The question about Ruidus wasn’t a test. This one wouldn’t be either, but it also won’t get her what she needs.

She tries again. Starts with what she knows.

“I…I want you to want me here. With you.” Laudna’s grip around her tightens but she doesn’t say anything, and Imogen takes a second. She sighs out, forces tension from her shoulders and the pride from her throat, open and open and open for Laudna. Trust and honesty and communication. Gods, it’s fucking awful. She presses forward anyway. “It hurt me. B-badly, I think. When you seemed so ready to let me go to Ruidus.”

Nails, now, present but not painful through the fabric of her nightshirt and against her belly, and Laudna’s body tense against her back, and still she’s quiet. Imogen laces their fingers and brings their joined hands underneath her shirt, pressing Laudna’s palm to her skin and shivering as she gathers her words.

“I was tellin’ the truth, earlier. It felt good, bein’ there. But Laudna, I…” She squeezes at her hand and then lets go, pulls and pushes and turns until they’re face to face and she can put her palm against Laudna’s cheek, see the worry in her dark eyes. “I don’t know how else to make you understand that I want you. That I want my future to be you.”

Laudna’s mouth opens and closes and Imogen presses a thumb to her bottom lip and kisses her forehead.

“Sometimes I think I understand the way you feel about me. But the last few days especially, I…” She stumbles again, because they’ve already talked about that night, and she doesn’t want to do it again, although she will if she has to. “I just…” She closes her eyes for a moment and reaches past the sadness and into the fire, lets the slow and steady and bright flame of love and determination and want move her forward. “It doesn’t matter how Ruidus feels. Alright? What’s the moon to me if you’re not there?” She kisses her, hard and quick, and holds her eyes again. “It’s not home. It can’t be. Not without you.”

Laudna swallows and licks her lip and says, slowly, “I want you to have all the things I didn’t get to have.” The pad of her thumb runs underneath Imogen’s eye, turning until the nail is tracing her cheek and down her jawline, over her chin until it comes to rest in the center of her throat. She stares at it as she whispers, voice raspy with the strain of a rope long rotted, “Most of all, I want you to have choice.”

Imogen covers the hand with her own and brings it down, cradling it against her chest.

“I know. I know you do. And I do have choice.” She kisses her again, longer and slower. “I’m choosing you. If you’ll let me.”

She watches the emotions play themselves out on Laudna’s face, expressive eyes widening and crinkling, the corners of her mouth twitching with all the words she doesn’t say, preternaturally sharp teeth tearing at the skin of her lip.

“I can never quite believe that.”

Her lips taste of ichor even more than usual, the texture catching on Imogen’s tongue as she soothes the newly broken skin.

“I know. I know you can’t. But it’s true.” She bites her own lip and asks a question she hopes she knows the answer to. “Is it alright? That I choose you? Would you…would you choose me, too?”

Dark eyes soften and soften, a pair to the arm holding her close.

“Imogen. I chose you a long time ago. I’m so sorry, darling, that I’ve made you doubt that.” She runs her fingers through Imogen’s hair, lets them catch at the back of her head. “It’s beyond my understanding how lucky I am that you would choose me, too.”

It would be easy, to let it go. And maybe she could. Maybe they understand each other, this time. But they’re here, and she wants it to be the last time they have to be (at least for a while, gods help her) so she pulls on the last reserves of her emotional energy to say, “Can you…can you believe me? Please? Or…or maybe we can have a signal, for when you can’t? Because Laudna, I…it’s hard for me to understand that you want me, too. And when you…I can’t always convince myself it’s true, when it feels like you’re tellin’ me to choose somethin’ else.”

Imogen watches as Laudna’s eyes move almost absently over her shoulder before coming back, resolved, as the hand in her hair tightens. “Yes. I’m going to try to remember. This is…thank you, dearest. For telling me. I’m going to think about this more. We can…we should talk about it, again.”

Her displeasure at the thought must register on her face because suddenly Laudna is laughing and the hand in her hair has let go to come pat at her cheek as Laudna tuts. “It’s dreadful, isn’t it?”

Imogen groans and buries her head in the crook of Laudna’s neck. Fingers return to her hair as she nods her agreement. She feels a tug on the circlet.

“Thank you for this, as well.”

Suddenly she’s pulling back, because this is important, because Laudna should know that…

”Laudna, I promise I’d never…”

She’s being tucked back into Laudna’s body before she can finish, lips against her temple before words are whispered into her ear. “I know, my love. I know. But you could, and it means something that you don’t. So thank you.”

She relaxes into the hold, noses into the space behind Laudna’s jaw and breathes for a minute before she kisses the skin there. And again.

Maybe it shouldn’t be as easy as it is for her mind to wander away from Ruidus and their mission and the conversation they’d just had. But maybe they deserve it. Maybe this is what it means, to choose each other even at the end of the world—that joy and desire get their time between exhaustion and fear.

So she doesn’t fight the impulse. “We should sleep,” she says, as she bites gently at Laudna’s neck, moves down to lick her collarbone.

Through a very lovely gasp, Laudna asks, “Forgotten the chasm already, darling?”

Imogen grins. “We should.” Her hands press at Laudna’s hips until she’s below her, bracketed by Imogen’s knees. “But I have another idea.”

Laudna laughs. “Can you be quick?”

Imogen pulls off her nightshirt and feels incredibly smug at Laudna’s wide eyes, the way her mouth is still half-open from her laughter, frozen there.

“Chasm answer? Or would you rather I…”

It’s her turn to gasp, Laudna’s mouth against her and her hands braced against the bare skin of Imogen’s back, nails dragging in that way that makes Imogen whimper shamelessly.

“Hush, now. We’ve done quite enough talking, don’t you think?”

It’s breathed into the skin of her shoulder, and Imogen can only nod, pulling Laudna closer and letting herself remember that she can have this, forever, if she chooses.

#imodna #imodna fic #southerngothic #imogen temult centric

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makiandcheese · 1 year

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i wanna share the genshin impact ships i enjoy and why (mostly rarepairs)

Rosaria/Kaeya - undeniable trust and friendship turned romantic interest. though capable of forming a relationship, their occupation and circumstances prevent them from fully pursuing it. Even if all factors could ignite mutual interest, the fear of ruining the friendship they harbored would stand in the way. What's important in a lonesome city is the same stranger who is looking for the same comfort you seek. Frequent liar or not, he's quite the personality to have around.

Jean/Diluc - everyone says they are exes turned lovers however I view them as the failed chance at love. They are friends who knew each other since they were learning to walk type of friendship. The first love you never forget. If they were given the chance, they could say what they want to the other. "You look even better after you became a stranger to me, pretty woman"

Yelan/Ningguang - The what could've beens. similar to jealuc but in ninglan it's focus is more on the one-sided, unrequited type of love. (using Beiguang for this example) watching the one you love fall for someone you know she deserves hurts. It hurts because you know you could've been with her if not for your own issues. thankfully she will never know you love her since that love will die with you

Rosaria/Jean - oh god where do i begin with this. The "outcast" meets the city's beloved individual. For someone who feels they never belong, its confusing to have the city's hope make excuses to see you. Rosaria and Jean's relationship begins with jealousy due to the nun and the idol deaconess' relationship. What makes Barbara look at Rosaria the way Jean always wanted? Filled with concern and trust that only families have for one another. Giving that to a complete stranger is agonizing.

Lisa/Jean - coworkers to lovers <3. A workaholic learning the simplicities of life from the reliable, easygoing, gentle person. When she'd forget to take care of herself mentally, she'd be there. Unknowingly providing comfort with just her presence alone.

Beidou/Ningguang - Two people who rule and have a significant influence on the community. Bickering and arguing over the smallest things yet loving each other for the same reason. What makes these two so wonderful is the fact that they both witnessed each other overcome difficulties in their own manner. They both achieved goals that brought them together in some way. Competing with which one would make the other prouder.

Venti/Zhongli - centuries have gone and past, and yet home always had the same eyes and breeze. When it comes to gods, the only one they could consider as equal are the same immortals who suffer with them. Why does meeting each other again bring so much comfort and pain? How many friends did they watch come and go like sand through the wind? Thankfully, they can overcome these uncertainties together. Until they could no longer control the corrosion within them.

Surcrose/Rosaria - When your curiosity leads to people questioning your character, the person you gravitate towards is someone similar. Sucrose would have a lot on her mind and would desperately need someone to talk to. Rosaria always wanted to learn more about the world but never had the guts to say it out loud. The mutual silence between them could be a conversation. "I have something on my mind, but I have difficulties saying it" and "Take your time. No rush."

Kaeya/Albedo - Understanding your past from the product of the past can be an interesting combo. Kaeya and Albedo are two perspectives of the Khaenri’ahn existence. The truth is never black or white, in fact, the truth is always relative. Messing around with your coworker because of mutual origins grives a sense of comfort in the city where everyone knows everyone.

Ganyu/Keqing - coworker who has false impressions towards each other. A tender and careful love formed from the desire to protect their city. Patience is a virtue especially for Ganyu. However, with all the years she had lived, days with Keqing always felt like love personafied.

Xiao/Traveler - what cannot be may be. One's duties always hinder relationships, but there will always be someone stubborn enough to reach out. Someone once said that unnecessary suffering is not a proof of strength. Relying on others is difficult but if it's with the person they love, one could only hope that they're not a burden. Thankfully, they don't give a damn about your stubbornness and go out of their way to talk and spend time with you. Since you know that these times wouldn't last.

Ayaka/Yoimiya - The different lives we live shouldn't turn us into strangers. In a life where expectations are laid upon you, finding freedom and happiness incarnate is like grasping sunlight. Ayaka knows she has her duties but spending time with Yoimiya makes her forget the time. Grief and loss often isolate us from relationships (including socioeconomic circumstances). Thankfully the eternal shogun's antithesis stays by your side.

Itto/Sara - Our beliefs do not align, but if someone talks shit about the other. Someone will be getting punched or electrocuted. Being a Yokai in human society always leads to discrimination unless you are equipped with power and unimaginable influence. Seeing each other's most vulnerable sides in the most unexpected times always led to curiosity. Curiosity leading to interest. And interest leading to fondness.

Al Haitham/Kaveh - Unconventional ways of saying "i love you" almost always lead to someone's wrinkly forhead. If turning himself into Kaveh's personal screaming outlet would let him relax, Al haitham would gladly do it. What happened in the past has long gone, and what's left is to continue. Is it so difficult to let him love you?

Candace/Dehya - Every neighborhood child's first loves daring each other. Duty is always the priority. Traveling the world will come one day but not today. If that is someone's belief, then someone will bring the world to them. Even if it's small material gifts, its treasured dearly. Just make sure not to come home bruised and covered in wounds. Else a medicated scolding (and some kisses) would be perscribed by the village's resident guardian.

and that's all folks tell me what you think.

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drdemonprince · 4 months

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thanks for your response to my question about knowing what you want. that's broadly what i've been trying to do, though dealing with long covid and being very conscious of not getting it again makes in-person stuff... tricky. i've been trying to do something nice just for myself for my birthday (in kind of a reclaiming manner, as it was a very much not good day for most of my life) and was completely blanking on the question. (i have a lot of difficulty imagining things i've never done/experienced for some reason.) guess i'll keep on taking baby steps and hopefully figure this out better sometime

It's *very* common for Autistic people to have trouble imagining themselves doing something they have never done before. I once had a HUGE meltdown at the doorsteps of a haunted house because I had no idea what the floorplan would be, when actors would be jumping out at me, how long the experience would be, or anything else to expect. I NEVER went to half of the gay clubs in town until someone I was seeing finally brought me, and I finally learned what to expect of going to a bar on my own. I truly did not conceive that public spaces were "for me" just as much as they were for anyone else. I experienced most of the world as this shadowy, forbidden world that I could not understand and did not have permission to access until pretty recently, in the grand scheme of things. And I certainly felt immensely guilty having a birthday and DARING to want to do anything for it, especially not something everybody would like.

But there is a way out of this! One of the ways is to simply try new things - there is no true self inside of us with hidden true desires and habits that we can just magically find and unlock, rather the self is an active becoming, a process of trying new things that sound appealing or that we simply wish to learn more about, and potentially becoming the type of person that does them (or, conversely, learning something about ourselves in the process if we try something and find we do not like it).

If you cannot imagine yourself experiencing joy, happiness, belonging, you can probably at least be curious about something. This was how I became a furry: I was intrigued by the idea of Furfest, and so I went. I didn't consider myself a furry when I went. I didn't put any pressure on myself to enjoy it or to belong there. I considered myself something of an anthropologist studying a cool subset of human culture when I first attending in 2018. While I was there, I also decided that trying on some antlers in the dealer's den might be interesting. It turned out I liked it, and I grew closer with other people in that community too. Eventually through repeated adventures and trials it became a thing I enjoy. Most of my hobbies and passions have evolved similarly -- I wrote a short story because I was bored, and then years later I had lots of writer friends and a career, I attended a local comedy show because I had nothing to do, and then I tried out for one, and then I was in the comedy scene.

We are what we do, and that means that who we are can always change. It can always expand and deepen. If we cannot currently access much joy or genuine passion, we can find it -- by pursuing new things and taking an interest in life, in whatever ways we can. And of course, if you are Autistic, I do recommend doing research and googling about various spaces and subcultures and social mores in advance, so you know a little bit more of what to expect, which will help the concept of going to crystalize more in your mind. But there's nothing quite like trying it!

Let me know what you decide to try as a birthday adventure for yourself. Good luck!

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eris-snow · 4 months

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Hiiiii!! I hope you’re doing well ^^ this concept has been plaguing my mind for DAYS. listen. Mute reader joining class 2A where bakugou has already started going deaf from his quirk. AGH I swear it’s so cute I’m already dying, probably angst to fluff type stuff idk ur the boss here :3

(this is my first time requesting I hope I’m doing it right lol)

Oh you're so sweet! Don't worry about requesting your request was so cute 🥰

But YES, this is such a good headcannon 😭😭

Katsuki would think that you're way too quiet, and imagine his surprise when you start signing to him.

He'd just gotten back from the hospital after a particularly shitty injury, so he wasn't there when you were introduced to the class

He didn't know that you were mute, so when you camd rolling up to the dorms, all he saw was a way too quiet girl holding a way too big box for your size.

You must be the newbie, Katsuki sighs, squinting at you. It takes him five seconds to realise that your quirk wasn't strength based, and 10 to realise you had 5 of those big ass boxes to get through, before he kicks off the couch to help.

It's fine. He's been through this, he's gotten help. He can talk to people without brandishing insults now.

"Jeez, pass me that, you freak,"

Head, meet hard wood.

You, however, don't seemed fazed at all. Instead, you let out a sigh of relief, happily passing him the box and taking another one to carry to the lifts.

He's almost glad you don't say anything, because at least then, he doesn't have to go 'SPEAK UP, NERD' on ten different occasions. He wasn't wearing his hearing aids, after all.

When he does finish helping you, you're bowing to him profusely, and to his utter surprise, you lift your hands and start signing to him.

Do you know handsigns?

He almost rolls down the stairs.

Yes, Bakugou signs back. You bow at him again, and Bakugou feels giddy.

Thank you! I'm sorry if you found it rude when I didn't respond, but I am mute. I appreciate your help, Bakugou-san! I hope we get along !

And that's how Katsuki gained a new friend.

Oh and don't forget about the silent conversations.

Besides Deku, you were the only one fluent in handsigns and Katsuki took full advantage of that.

Just imagine, 20 odd class mates and no one knowing what words being exchanged between the two of you.

Communication is the one of the most important thing on the battlefield, and the scariest thing was that Bakugou was starting to have difficulty doing that, patrol or not.

For some reason, having someone who understands that fear makes Bakugou feel just a little bit more stable.

On paper, your disabilities should hinder your ability to get along, but like how two unlike poles attract, you get along swimmingly. Communication, which is supposed to be one of the most difficult actions to carry out is so smooth with Bakugou it's basically telepathy at this point.

A glance at you.

Oh, you want your protein shake.

A gesture to the teacher.

Oh, you need help with a question.

A middle finger...("Oi, Bakugou that wasn't a handsign-WAIT WAIT NO DON'T-")

Means a dead Kaminari.

And for some reason, even if Katsuki can never hear your voice. Even if you can't ever tell him how much he means to you, you'll stand by his side even if the world tilts sideways, or be the first at his door when his nightmares overtake him.

You'll be the first to guess what's one his mind and stand by him no matter what.

After all, actions speak louder than words, don't they?

#mha #mha fanfiction #my hero academia #bakugou katsuki #katsuki bakugō #bakugo x you #bakugou x y/n #bakugou katuski x reader #fluff #bakugou fluff #bakugou angst #mha angst #angst #requests #request

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vampitz · 7 months

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why i headcanon/see shidou kirisaki as autistic!!!

(note: i am not a medical professional, just an autistic person on the internet. all of my interpretations of his autism come from the lens of being autistic. you might see him completely differently and thats ok!)

autistic! shidou is a headcanon i hold very near and dear to me and talk about it. a lot. as such, i thought id compile some actual reasonings as to why i view him as autistic.

ill be using snippets from the dsm-5 in this post. i will be mainly using portal conversations as proof, because i feel like they are the most "casual" we can get the characters to be.

A. Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts

shidou has a very straightforward way of speaking and seems to ignore social rules of "politeness" a lot of the time, while still remaining pretty calm.

shidou also seems to have some sort of difficulty wording himself, and in almost every single portal conversation he trails in and out of sentences. the only characters who do this more than him are haruka and muu.

Shidou: That’s good…… You were crying so much, so I was concerned for you. ……yeah, I’m sure. Your family will definitely be worrying about you. I…… hope you can go back soon.

little snippet of what i mean, this amount of trailing off happens in pretty much every shidou portal conversation

shidou also is constantly misinterpreted by his facial language and his tone. on multiple occasions he is referred to as hard to approach, and so calm its "suspicious". characters are surprised when he smiles or is actually a nice person.

"Mu: Shidou-san…… did you come here to comfort me……? I’m sorry, I’d thought you were…… a scary person…… fufu."

Kotoko: …… Shidou, right? I’ve been watching your actions for a while, and I’m curious. You’re always extremely calm, and your expression never changes. Do you know something about this place? Shidou: No, I know nothing. ……I’ve never really had an expressive face. Despite appearances, I am quite shaken by this.

Mikoto: Also, I don’t give nicknames to [ ] the hard-to-approach types like Shidou-san.

he also seems to have difficulty holding conversations, as most portal conversations with him involve him trailing off, talking to himself (ex. with amane) or just like, not elaborating on what hes saying.

B. Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities

the repetitive patterns/behaviors is a little bit hard to determine, since they are in prison and not really acting like their "real selves" in terms of behavior. also, since milgram is a series mainly in voice dramas and music videos its kind of difficult to pinpoint any physical repeated behaviors.

when it comes to heavily focused interests, though, shidou seems to be completely obsessed with his work. although this could just be him being a workaholic, the amount of passion he had in it before milgram really reminds me of a special interest that has been pursued as a career.

he also seems very knowledgeable in other topics, such as being able to recite japanese criminal law from the top of his head. again, this could easily be interpreted as him just trying to learn the best way to argue for a death penalty but i dont really care this is my headcanon sooo.

in terms of sensory issues, shidou's issues with his hands could totally play into those. what is specifically wrong with his hands has never been stated: it could be nerve damage, sensory issues, or something else. i see it as a mix of sensory issues and some other underlying conditions.

Mikoto: By the way, I’ve been wondering for a while, but do you always wear those gloves? Shidou: I don’t…… How to put it…… I suppose…… since I have my hands covered all the time, then when I take them off, it feels as though the feeling in my fingertips is even greater…… I know it’s probably all in my head…… but that’s how it feels.

in his trial 2 interrogation, he says he cant wear rings because they lessen the feeling in his fingertips. this could easily be sensory issues in his hands.

thats pretty much all i have to say regarding this!!! if it wasnt obvious this is just a silly headcanon thats mainly me projecting, but it does have basis in canon to a degree. shidou, with his easily misinterpreted tone and facial expressions and deep love for his interests just reminds me a lot of myself.

(btw if you like this headcanon i did write a fic of shidou getting diagnosed with autism if you wanna read it haha... shameless self promo)

#shidou kirisaki #milgram #analysis sort of not really #krav talks #i speedran this sorry guys i just wanted to get this out in the open #feel free to lmk any thoughts or questions you have regarding this

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cepheustarot · 7 months

Text

What awaits you in October?

Attention! This reading is for entertainment purposes only. This tarot reading does not give a 100% guarantee that all the described situations will occur. You build your own life and destiny.

Choose one or more cards. Trust your intuition.

Card 1: The first event will be that you will find yourself in a problematic situation, the solution of which does not depend on you and you may be in an unstable state, be nervous and overthinking yourself. It is also possible that you will have to work for some time or be with a person who is very hot-tempered or very sensitive and literally takes your every word to heart. In this case, you will have to constantly control your flow of words in order not to offend a person, and this is very stressful and there is a high risk of quarreling with a person. The second situation will be a change of workplace! You will get tired of the old job with its conditions, or you have lost interest in it and decide to try yourself in another field. You will definitely find something that you will like; perhaps they will pay less at this job, but at least this activity will be genuinely interesting to you. If you are not working, but studying, then change your specialty to another one. You can also stop getting carried away with what has been of interest to you for many years and discover something new. The third situation indicates a change in the social circle! This is probably due to the fact that you decided to change your field of activity. In any case, you could be forced to communicate with someone you don't like and this month you will to dot the «I», break ties. If there are no such people, then in any case you have a high chance to meet new people, you will literally attract to yourself, people themselves can approach you, start a conversation, make a lot of compliments. You will be in the spotlight!

Сard 2: I see that you planned to see your family, mostly your grandparents, but this meeting will not take place, because force majeure will occur, some problem that will need to be solved as soon as possible and this is exactly the situation that will disrupt your meeting. I also want to note that a person with experience will come to your aid, a creative personality, prone to empathy, emotional, sociable, maybe it's you or your friend / acquaintance. However, you will definitely find a way to solve this problem, although this unexpected situation will cause you great excitement and stress. Also, the second situation speaks about big spending in money. Alternatively, your finances may go to solve the problem described above. Otherwise, you will spend this money on an expensive gift to some person, or you will arrange a party or any other event that will require a lot of money to organize. Perhaps you will be preparing documents for the purchase of real estate, cars, businesses, etc., in this case, I advise you to pay special attention to the terms of the contract, since there is a risk of being deceived and investing in something that may not pay off! This month you will also work hard or study hard. Perhaps you will have a stuff at work or you will need to do your work before the end of the deadline, there may be a similar situation at study. Your boss or your teacher can make a lot of comments, get on your nerves and generally not accept the work done. Or you can work together with someone in a team and your partner can pull you down, which is why your common cause will not be as successful as it could be if you acted alone.

Card 3: The first situation is that there is a factor that causes your plans to collapse, but! You will successfully eliminate this factor, as you will find a solution to fix the situation, you are very smart and resourceful, so you will definitely cope with difficulties. However, if you were the one who was going to disrupt someone's plans, then you will soon be exposed, do not think that you can get away with it.

The second situation will be the opportunity to pause, take a break and relax after all the difficulties in life. Most likely, there was a period in your life when problems were only getting worse and all your strength was spent only on solving them. Fortunately, this month you will have the opportunity to relax and unwind, it will be a good time to pay attention to yourself, take care of yourself, do what you have been putting off for a long time, but could not do because of the circumstances. The third situation indicates a meeting with close people with whom you have not seen for a long time. It can be your family, relatives, childhood friends or your lover. The meeting will be wonderful and you will be satisfied, it will be a pleasant memory for you for a long time.

Thank you for reading! I will be glad of any feedback <3

#tarot reading #tarot #tarot cards #pick a card #pick a card reading

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astriiformes · 18 days

Text

To be completely honest I have been doing some Wrestling as of late (by which I mean. since October) because despite all the joy finishing my conversion last year brought me, debilitating moral OCD and the Ongoing Situation do not mix well. Which has been really hard because it's very difficult to be like well, I'm so glad to have joined this community for real and properly just in time for it to suddenly be a source of immense difficulty for me, too. And I'm trying my best to be involved in organizing efforts and to connect with likeminded Jews but it's still been very hard.

And on top of everything having another friend starting their conversion exploration journey recently has been making me realize how strange and lonely and isolated mine was, because it was so affected by the pandemic and lockdown and I didn't get to join my classmates in doing activities outside of class or celebrate holidays with other people or even go to our shul until fairly late in my journey. And of course I had all the other hiccups, like working with three different rabbis due to circumstances out of my control. And it was so worth it and the right choice, but still deeply imperfect in ways I feel sort of melancholy about.

But this last week I'm suddenly finding my place in ways that have been missing for a bit and it feels so important. The Jewish printing symposium I attended was so amazing, and I finally set up my recurring donation to my synagogue now that I'm officially a member and seeing my name and my Hebrew name next to each other in the online portal is making me smile, and some other people from my shul that I don't know very well but would like to get to know better invited me to a second night Seder at their place later this month that I think will be really good, and I'm doing research for a paper on medieval Jewish science for my medieval history class and reading excerpts from the De'ot ha-Filosofim and Midrash ha-Ḥokhmah and Sha'ar ha-Shamayim, and I've been working on my Yiddish and listening to a lot of Yiddish folk and punk music along with it, and today I think I'm going to finally talk to the LGBT history curator about the queer Jewish archives event we're doing in May, and it feels like something important has clicked back into place, that I think is going to make me both happier & more effective at the organizing work I want to be a part of but haven't been able to engage with fully for months now.

Anyways I feel like this Pesach is going to Get me because of the timing of this all, and also I already had some really, really hard stuff happen to me last Pesach that I have mostly processed but has still had some far-reaching repercussions, so there's an element of anniversary trauma (?) meets healthy processing that I know is going to happen, too.

But it's still a good reminder of why I chose all this, and that religion & spirituality & community really are incredibly important to me, even when they're difficult (maybe even especially when there's difficulty) and also that I am tougher than I give myself credit for and not totally a victim of my own brain! Which is! An important feeling, if not necessarily an easy one.

#this is a positive post! i am just putting it under a cut because it's also a very personal one!#jewish tag

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doumadono · 4 months

Note

Hey hey so I hope it's okay if I send in an Emergency Request.

Recently I've been on a new antipsychotic and it's causing weight gain, so they put me on a diet medication and I'm STILL gaining weight.

As someone with a past of having anorex!a this is MAJORLY triggering as now I'm in the "Overwe!ght" BMI range and I'm freaking the fuck out and wanting to d!e every single day.

So can I get a comfort with Shinsou who reaffirms the reader( who also struggles with gender dysphoria at the same time, so this is doubly hard ) that he will love them no matter what gender they are and how much they weigh and that they can work on losing weight in a healthy way and he will help them recovery from their ED habits together?

Shinso & s/o with gender dysphoria and anxiety about gaining weight

EMERGENCY REQS MASTERLIST

Shinsou notices your struggle and decides to have a heart-to-heart conversation with you. "You've been going through a lot lately, haven't you? Wanna talk?"

You open up about your experiences with gender dysphoria, the weight of the words lifting as you share this intimate part of yourself. "I've been grappling with my gender identity, and it's been a real struggle. I trust you, Shinso..."

The words pour out as you recount the toxic environment at home, the pressure to conform to harmful beauty standards, and the history of your family promoting your eating disorder. "My family, they've always pushed me toward this destructive path. It's been a battle to break free from their influence."

He starts by expressing genuine concern, acknowledging the difficulties you're facing with both medication and family issues.

There's a moment of vulnerability as you worry about how Shinsou will react. "I'm afraid you'll see me differently, that this will be too much for you..."

Shinsou reassures you that he cares deeply for you, emphasizing that your worth isn't determined by your weight or gender. "I want you to know that I adore every part of you, regardless of what your family or society says. Your gender identity is valid, and your journey is uniquely yours, remember that, sweetpie."

Shinsou encourages you to focus on your health rather than conforming to societal standards, stressing that your well-being matters most.

He suggests finding positive outlets for stress relief and encourages you to explore activities that bring joy and fulfillment. "How about we make some tasty, nutritious snacks together? It's a small step, but a positive one, don't you think?"

Shinsou reminds you that your identity and body are yours to define, and he supports you in every decision you make.

He shares stories of his own struggles, highlighting that everyone faces challenges, and growth is possible through perseverance.

Shinsou proposes working together on setting achievable, healthy goals, whether related to weight or personal development.

He assures you that he's there for you every step of the way, offering support and understanding. "You're strong, you know? Facing everything head-on."

He uses his quirk to gently ease some of the emotional burden you're carrying, showing how he cares about your mental well-being.

Shinsou encourages open communication, emphasizing that your feelings and experiences are valid, and he's here to listen without judgment. "It's always better to talk to your trusted person, isn't it, sweetpie?"

The air hung heavy with a subdued tension as you found solace in the quiet corner of your shared living space with Shinso. The weight of unspoken burdens rested on your shoulders, and as the tears welled up in your eyes, you couldn't hold back the overwhelming tide of emotion any longer.

Shinso noticed the tremble in your voice and the shimmer of unshed tears. He approached you with a gentle concern etched across his face. "Hey, what's going on? You seem… distant."

A shaky breath escaped your lips as you attempted to articulate the complex emotions swirling within. "It's just… my family. They've never understood, and now with everything else… It feels like I'm drowning in their expectations. I'm also struggling with my gender... I feel like I'm drowning, Shinso..."

Shinso sat beside you, a silent gesture that spoke volumes. "You can talk to me. I'm here for you. Breathe. In and out, in and out. Calm down and pour it all out. It'll ease your stress. And no matter what, I'll stay by your side, always. You're perfect just the way you are. I love everything about you."

With a heavy exhale, you began to unravel the painful narrative of a family that had never truly been supportive. "They always had these expectations, these ideals of what they thought I should be. It's suffocating. They pushed me into this dark spiral of self-doubt, made me believe I was never enough. And thank you for your kind words, baby..."

The tears flowed freely now, a cathartic release of pent-up emotions.

Shinso, understanding the weight of your words, placed a comforting hand on your shoulder. "You are more than enough, and I'm here to help you break free from those chains. You don't have to carry their expectations anymore."

In the warmth of Shinso's reassurance, you continued to share the heart-wrenching details of a family that promoted destructive behaviors, exacerbating your struggles. "They encouraged my unhealthy habits, made me believe that I had to conform to their standards. It's been a never-ending battle."

Shinso's gaze never wavered, a silent pillar of support. "You're not alone anymore. We'll face this together, and I promise you, their expectations won't define your worth."

As you poured out your heart to Shinso, the weight on your shoulders began to lift, replaced by the gentle embrace of understanding and empathy coming from your beloved boyfriend.

#emergency request #bnha shinsou #shinso hitoshi #shinsou x reader #shinso x reader #hitoshi shinsou #shinso fluff #mha fluff #bnha fluff #hitoshi shinso x reader #hitoshi shinsō #mha shinsou #boku no hero academia #mha x reader #mha x you

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mollyjeanne615 · 1 year

Note

Could you please write a song adapting Ted and Charlotte’s conversation/flirting/argument in The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals before he leaves her alone with Sam?

Like… there’s the genuine love between them; their respective issues, fears and unhealthy beliefs getting in the way of it; their regret that they can’t just be happy together while also not taking action to make that happen; the stress of being stuck in an alien zombie apocalypse; Charlotte’s grief over and Ted’s resentment of Sam; and their difficulty actually communicating all the previous things. And of course, the sexual tension. I just think that all of those layers interplaying would make a really good song. Especially since their dynamic wasn’t explored much in the show.

There could even be a coda where Ted, after leaving, muses that he could have done better, but he’s been very careful to never give her reason to expect better from him, so she’ll get over it. They’ll be back to their version of normal soon enough (messy as it is). So he doesn’t need to go back in there and apologize or say some heartfelt shit or anything. Then the final notes are the first ones of “You Tied up My Heart”.

I say this every time but holy SHIT this was fun

So I tried to get as much of this prompt into one song as I could - it doesn't cover the entire scene, so there would be a little bit of dialogue between this and "You Tied Up My Heart," but I think it captures a lot of their relationship and connection. There could also totally be some underscoring from this going into the next song in a full production. (Also this wouldn't be in a full production cause they wouldn't be singing, but I dream.) I also cheated a bit with the orchestrations - I've been trying to make them as playable by the original bands of the shows as possible, but for this I switched out the bass part for a second guitar cause why not. There's a little bit of "Time Bastard" in the opening synth part, and there's a pretty big motif/reprise/stolen chord progression in the bridge of the song - I was trying to think of other Hatchetfield songs relating to Spankoffski stories and sexual temptation and all that, and I think this one did the trick lol. I'm super proud of the demo for this one - it came out somewhere between "Dead Girl Walking" from Heathers and "D.O.A." from The Lightning Thief, and I'm really in love with it. Hope y'all enjoy!

In the Worst Way

CHARLOTTE: Ted! I can’t believe you’re thinking about that at a time like this, the whole world could be coming to an end!

TED: Yeah. Exactly. The whole world’s gone to shit and you’re worried about what someone else might think about you?

CHARLOTTE: Well, when you put it like that…

TED:

You think you’re such a good, good girl You pick your nails, you hide your stress But it’s the end of the fucking world So you can afford to decompress

You put your image on a throne You crumple underneath the crown But you need to grow a backbone Before it breaks you down

You’ve been in bed with a scumbag But baby, can’t you see You have a chance to upgrade To a sleazeball like me

So if I’m dying tonight I’ve got a great way to cap off my life I’ll be going out doing the thing I love Screwing around with another man’s wife Maybe there’s better things I should worry about today But I’d rather be here with you So let me say I want you in the worst way

CHARLOTTE: Oh, you’re such a horny bastard.

TED: Always have been, always will be.

CHARLOTTE:

My body’s telling me to run My mind is saying you’re no good But I need something just for fun So I guess I probably should

I’ve wished upon so many stars To be more confident and crude So I’ll embrace the love that’s ours With a badass attitude

TED: Okay!

CHARLOTTE:

There’s something in my gut that says You might still be alright Cause I need someone to love me Before we bite the dust tonight

So if I’m dying today I’m gonna let you lead me astray I might be meeting my maker pretty soon So I’ll get down on my knees and pray Maybe there’s better things I should worry about today But I’d rather be here with you So let me say I want you in the worst way

TED:

Ooh, I want you in the worst way, yeah

TED AND CHARLOTTE:

My happiness is coming first, I won’t be on my own Let all those without sin cast the first stones I’ll do all I can so you’ll never be alone At least until we kick the bucket

CHARLOTTE:

But should I just stick with the devil I know

TED AND CHARLOTTE:

Well, you know what, fuck it!

They make out passionately as a rocking electric guitar solo backs them up.

TED AND CHARLOTTE:

So if I’m dying right now I’ll spend this moment breaking a vow There’s nowhere else I need to be And I needed a little break anyhow Maybe there’s better things I should worry about today But I’d rather be here with you So let me say Yeah, let me say I want you in the worst way

TED:

Let’s let the chips fall where they may

TED AND CHARLOTTE:

I want you in the worst way

CHARLOTTE:

My husband’s brains fell out today

TED AND CHARLOTTE:

I want you in the worst way Maybe there’s better things I should worry about today But I’d rather be here with you So let me say I want you in the worst way

They kiss again on the button of the song.

#team starkid #starkid #tgwdlm #the guy who didn't like musicals #hatchetfield #hatchetverse #ted spankoffski #Charlotte sweetly #most of the time when I write these I'm like “it would be cool if people from starkid saw this eventually but I don't need them to”#but HOLY SHIT I want Joey and Jaime to sing this

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reasonsforhope · 9 months

Note

Thank you, stranger, for making this blog. You are truly a kind, beautiful soul. Thank you for existing for the world. Many of us appreciate you!!!! Thank you!!!!! /vvvvvvvgen

...now to me. I'm sorry for adding for your huge askbox as is, genuinely...

I naturally, without thinking, don't act like my real personality because it's been shunned dozens of times across my entire life. It's not fundamentally flawed (I know that, 100%--we all have flaws, ad I absolutely wasn't a terrible person for expressing them). Nonetheless, all I know is that the person I act like everyday of my life since I finally snapped and started doing this whole thing two years ago -- almost three -- is not who I really am. You know when you put on a shoe that, while your foot can fit inside and you can walk around just fine, you know it's just not your size because it doesn't feel right at all? That's me and my "personality"...people thought I was weird when I showed my genuine personality. I was just...pretty different than most. some comments I've got on my old personality:

"You're ...... Weird." (said with a thinly hid derogatory tone)

"Stop. You're not one of us."

"Why are you talking like that?"

"Sensitive. No one likes you."

And the one that finally made me snap:

"Stupid." (the person who said this then continued top he conversation as normal. Not acknowledging my stunned reaction.)

In addition, for a couple months I got treated like a dog. A literal dog.

I basically got treated like an outcast.

I know the personality I've left buried for so long has grown on its own, with me. It wasn't totally neglected and in fact is still here. It's just hidden behind this mask...which I can't take off. Because I literally don't know how. It's become such a habit to be someone else that I don't even fully, consciously know who I genuinely am today...it's hard. I hurt. A lot. I'm terrified of being vulnerable in any way, now. Just curled up in a shell.

...what am I to do? Where am I even going to begin? I feel lost. All I know, in the depths of my heart, that there is hope. There is always hope yet. That is something I've always known.

So what now? I'm scared, tired, and unsure. Is there anything I can do, anymore, at all? To figure out, and then be, who I know I am, deep down?

Thank you for reading, if you did. From the bottom of my heart--thank you. Thank you.

Sincerely,

#🎈🌠🐘

<3 <3 <3

Thanks so much <3 And fwiw for anyone wondering, it's not HUGE huge, I've got like 45 asks and dms to get to, but it still feels pretty big for me, a person who has def never had that happen before. Hoping to try to answer a batch of 2-4 of them on the weekends

Also, in terms of the rest of it.... Sorry if I'm overstepping, and definitely not to do that "diagnose people over the internet shit," but have you ever looked into whether you might be autistic or some other flavor of neurodivergent. Because as an autistic person, I see a Lot of my own experiences in what you've written

Regardless of whether you have or not, and whether you're autistic or not, I definitely know what it's like to deal with that kind of shit and bullying, and how trying to mask your own differences can twist you up inside. I had a problem with compulsively lying for a while in high school because of how ingrained "covering for myself" became - so I get how unsettling it feels when this shit becomes something you can't consciously control

Because there's so much overlap, I'd actually recommend looking into books and resources from the autistic community in masking and the difficulty of unmasking, regardless of whether you're autistic or not. A lot of the traumas are similar, too, so if you're at that level of "burying," I really think you'll be able to get something out of it no matter what

(This applies to anyone reading this who has also had to deal with that kind of shit or has found themselves doing something similar.)

Also, you should definitely look into trauma work (and "complex PTSD") and see if there's anything helpful to you there--there's a lot of really effective, evidence-based stuff out there about how to untangle your nervous system, because that kind of social rejection and isolation is absolutely/inherently traumatizing

Some Resources

Masking stuff:

Seven Steps to Unmasking as a Neurodivergent Person

What Is Complex PTSD (C-PTSD)? from Healthline

Autism Masking: To Blend or Not to Blend from Healthline

This is an assessment for social masking. It's written about autism, but I think a good amount of it would be applied to other types of masking like this.

Trauma stuff:

What Is Rejection Trauma? from TherapyMantra

Healing from Rejection Trauma from CPTSDFoundation.org

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo

And if none of that helps you...there's definitely a lot of other stuff out there. There's things like journaling, which are a huge help with this sort of thing. Figuring out who you are underneath it all takes time and feels super weird and it's not easy, but I have faith you can do it. Don't give up, just keep moving forward

#Anonymous #neurodiversity #trauma #cptsd #ask #me #advice #resources

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leoascendente · 2 years

Text

PAC/ What is going on with this connection? 💖

Hi my sweethearts! Here you have another PAC💕

I'm writing the cards as well so there could be some translations mistakes with the cards dropped, I'll leave the number of the card for you to find it easier. I'm using for the spread: Wisdom of the oracle for eachother energies; the Enchanted Love tarot to see what's going on; oracle of Shadows and Lights for what you are not seeing; Romance Angels oracle for the purpose of the connection; Thoughts from the heart for positive affirmations.

Think about someone in your life that you want to get answers about, they can be any connection you have, not only related to love. Take a deep breath and choose the pile you feel more drawn to.

Take only what resonates 🌙

I love you🌷

Yellow:

- Current energies:

(Cards: 32. Here and now rev; 31. Why? Rev; 40. Creative collaboration // bottom of deck: 51. The kinder face of life rev; 18. Serendipity rev.)

You are ungrounded , my love, you might have so much mental activity right now that you have lifted your feet from the groud, maybe you are thinking too much about the future with this person or maybe if something from the past could repeat in your present moment. Whatever it is that keeps you so much in your head is leading you to get anxious with no need. I don't see your person acting in a suspicious way, it's more about the mindset you are having, you are not enjoying your present moment because if you would you could see that everything is going great but you are thinking too much. I feel it's your nature, you are more on analize and think and there's nothing bad about that but try to focus your restless mind in all the positive possibilities you have in front of you.

Your person is also overthinking, but they are asking themselves what are they doing wrong with you. They have so many questions in their mind and they don't know how to put the words in order to ask you, your mind is over controlling every detail but theirs is just mess. They look like the eternal optimistic kind of person and when a difficulty appear they get drown in a glass of water, they don't know how to approach you, they are feeling a lot of stress because they think that things between you two are not going well. They might feel you are not interestted in them and they think it's because of them, maybe your person has some issues with blaming themselves for no reason.

Your final outcome is great! You two will get into alignment with eachother. You'll get into the other's shoes to understand better your differences, you'll be collaborative and compassive with your thoughts and feelings. If you've been in a separation time soon there will be a chance to meet and have a deep conversation to solve the situation.

- What is going on?:

(Cards: Ace of gems; 2 of shells rev; 3 of roses; the Death rev; Prince of wings // bottom of deck: the Moon rev; Queen of roses.)

Woww pile 1, what a reading! 😅 I don't know where to start... Well, whoever your person is, the major obstacle here is your mindset, both of you felt something lovely when you met but you are refusing your feelings for eachother, if it is a friendship relationship here there are a lot more feelings that you two are supressing. I see the coldest part of the relationship is you but because you move more into the mental plane, anyway you know this person is important for you as you are for them. You two hold some fears about your connection but a lot of them are mainly because of your past experiences, perhaps you both are scared of opening your heart or fully trust someone, don't allow those fears to stop you from reaching out someone who makes you feel happy. You are clearer than your person when it comes to emotional balance but you tend to over analyze everything to preventing future damage, if you are honest with yourself you know that this is a trust issue you haven't solved, release this pain and open up. An oportunity for communications is soon arriving, don't be afraid to give the first step and ask them for a little talk to clear up the situation.

Idk why but the cards emphasize your emotional intelligence for good and for bad, you have learnt so much about your emotions and empathy that you can see clearer why other people act the way they do. When you learn how our inner wounds affect our lives you can appreciate it better in everyone, with this person you can see that they are wounded and that makes them act a little immature when it comes to commitment. The bad aspect of this is that you see too much, you can reach the deepest complex of a mind to understand their perspective of life, this is awesome but also dangerous for your feelings. You can't expect from other people to have your conciousness, you know how hard it is to heal your heart and soul but you need to be aware that not everybody has the courage to look within to find answers.

For some of you I see that this is a romantic interest that appeared as a golden oportunity after a long time of waiting, but something about them is not fulfilling you and you are not convinced and overthinking if this connection is worthy of your time. If this is your case the cards invite you to slow down your mind to see if this person could match you as something else and take a step forward and open up to talk about what you want and what you two are expecting about this connection .

- What you can't see:

(Cards: 19. Amara la Menahune; 5. Halloween spirits // bottom of deck: 39. Clockwork pumpkin; 30. Two witches.)

This exhaustion and anxiety you've been through has a meaning, it was something you had to experience to free yourself and heal your soul not just your mind. You are being called to develop your healing abilities not just with yourself but with the world, you probably have an important mission related to heal other people's soul wounds. You are feeling all this changes inside you, you are more happy, satisfied and aligned with your life, you might have found your purpose in this lifetime and you are embracing it. If you are open to it, try to connect with your spirituality, there are some lovely beings by your side, perhaps elementals, faeries, home spirits or a pet that is a witch familiar. You are very connected with higher realms and you are aware of that, this is a good moment for you to get close to them. A deep cleanse in your house or the spaces you spend more time in will refresh the energies.

- The purpose of this relationship:

(Cards: release from your ex; calling in your soulmate; true love // bottom of deck: forgiving and learning; very soon.)

This connection is helping you to free yourself from the chains of your past, you can even feel that this person is a good influence for you even if it's not in a romantic way. I feel that you had some hard experiences with trusting people but you asked for an honest and caring connection with a soulmate and here you have it. There is true love between the two of you, you two want to see the other success and reach their goals, you get happy with eachother victories. You have to leave some attitudes and patterns in your past to keep going on, not just with this connection but with your life in general, release the pessimistic mindset you can be having. What happened in your past is not going to happen ever again, don't worry sweetheart, you are protected by the Divine, you have earned a lot of wisdom through your journey, trust your intuition and inner power. Very soon there will be a close up with this person, if you've been in a no contact or stagnant situation after this meeting that tensions will disolve and your bound will get stronger.

- Positive affirmations:

I am always perfectly protected.

All of my relationships are surrounded by unconditional love.

I heal myself in every level, I heal my soul, mind and body.

Red:

- Current energies:

(Cards: 48. You are ready; 36. Take the risk; 30. Tic tac // bottom of deck: 47. Don't give up; 25. Cicles rev.)

I see you very excited about this connection, you see a lot of potential in this and your person does as well. You feel ready to give a step forward, maybe it's a friend, a work partner or a love interest, whoever this person is they make you get the feeling that you can trust them. I feel that you have waited so much for this kind of connections to reach your life and their arrival means a lot of happiness and joy, you have the feeling that this is for the good, that you deserve this blessing after all this time you had to wait for them.

For your person is more complicated, perhaps getting into a commintment with you involves a change in their routine and their are very attached to it. For some of you I get the feeling that if this is a romantic connection your person has been single for a long time and they get used to the peace of their solitude, the could even had a hard experience with love and they prefered to spend time alone after that. It's hard for them to leave their repeating cicles but they are very excited for the opprtunity in front of them, I se that they needed so much to feel so good as they feel everytime they spend with you.

For the outcome is just a matter of time, be patience with your person because they don't have the same understanding of life as you, it's difficult for them to make important decitions and they need more time to think and take the right step. Don't give up on them, is just their way to process what happens in their life, they need time but soon your relationship will get more solid and stable.

- What is going on?:

(Cards: 3 of roses; Queen of gems; 2 of gems rev; 9 of roses; 9 of shells // bottom of deck: The Temperance; The Lovers.)

If this is a love connection I must tell you that this person is deeply in love with you, they see you as their counterpart and the person they could build a life with. In any other case this person love you deeply as well, you have become someone very important in their lifes. They are planning how they can involve you in their routine and make you a constant presence in their life, they might be slow because they prefer to give steady steps and don't rush any situation. They will try to give you quality time and probably introduce you to their closest ones, this is a very important step for them but they feel so fulfilled by your side that they can only see the great things in your future together. Be patient with them, they are trying their best to let you know they love you but perhaps they are a person of actions more than words, trust the connection you both have created and the mutual feelings you have because this person wants you to be part of their life, their future actions will make you very happy.

- What you can't see:

(Cards: 30. 2 witches; 32. Stormy sea // bottom of deck: 4. Snow angel; 20. Faerie of the High lands.)

I feel that you are the kind of person that likes to have everything in order, maybe you could be dealing with some control issues and now is better to face your demons and be brave. This time is a test for patience and commitment with your feeling, to keep loyal to your emotions and keep your peace in times of uncertain, trust your inner wisdom when you feel lost. This moment of your life is Divinely guided, your guides will be sending you a lot of signals, I see the image of a sword and an eagle or falcon, maybe this is important for you, also the color red could be relevant. Approach to your guides and spirituality, they will make this time of uncertain a lot more peaceful, as an advice they tell you to make a deep cleanse where you spend more time in. If you are into it burn some rosemary or rue incense to clean the energies in your home.

If you felt drawn to pile 1, I recommend you to read it, maybe there's a message for you there.

- The purpose of this connection:

(Cards: Attraction; chemistry; playfulness // bottom of deck: retreat; getting to know each other.)

The major purpose is to allow yourself to enjoy the first steps of a connection, to let you feel more and think less. There's a mutual attraction here and you both know it, you two share an special bound that can't be described with words by any of you, it's something that you just can feel. Maybe right now you are in a distance or coldness moment, maybe talking less or having less meetings, this is just for this moment. You'll be spending more time together soon, I see a lot of talking about your lives and what you both been through, the chemistry will grow everytime you see eachother. You will start knowing eachother in deep and this will develop in being the best friends, always by eachother side in times of joy and sorrow (In my opinion these are the kind of connections that last for a lifetime because your two know your shadows and your lights and accept them unconditionally). This person has come to teach you how to flow with other people's cicles and rythms, to be patient and trust the process.

- Positive affirmations:

I deserve joy and happiness

This world is my Heaven on Earth

I am always receptive to learning new things

Pink:

- Current energies:

(Cards: 10. The unfinished symphony; 38. Being fair; 11. At all cost // bottom of deck: 31. Why? Rev; 49. The observer.)

You might be feeling like there's something you have to do with this person, if you are in a no contact situation you feel like something needs to be done in this connection and it's no over yet. Overthinking this connection is draining you but deep inside you know this situation needs a solution, maybe you have some fear of commitment and when this person gives a step torwards you it might feels like your comfort zone is being a little threatened and you give a step back from this connection. (if you felt drawn to pile 2 read it as well, maybe there's a message for you there).

You person is keeping their guard up, they feel like they are giving too much and not receiving the same from you, they are protecting their feelings from being broken. They feel so much for you but they are very scared of you taking advantadge of them and break their heart, they are very sensitive people and they are trying to be as fair as possible with both of you and the situation. They are very open to talk but just if you are receptive for a deep conversation to reach a balance in this relationship, by the moment they prefer to keep observing but not making any action, somehow they are trying to respect your rythms and let you take the first step. They are probably watching over your social media or your photos a lot.

You know what you have to do and after a time of reflection you will finally make it, maybe it's that conversation or pick up something you left in their car. Whatever the situation is you know this needs to be solved.

- What is going on?:

(Cards: King of shells; 8 of gems; 10 of shells rev; King of gems; The Lovers // bottom of deck: Queen of roses rev; Judgement.)

This person has deep feelings for you, whatever your connection with them is, they really appreaciate you. They see you as someone important for their life but they feel like they have to set some boundaries with you, they are trying to make everything the better way possible but they feel like they are trying to hard and you are not offering them the same commitment. Right now you two are having a hard time when it comes to the relationship, there's a feeling of sadness and missing eachother's presence. If you are in no contact situation they are really missing you but they know they have to give you this space. For some of you I see that they are somehow protecting themselves from you, perhaps you have done something that was a red flag for them and they don't know how to handle it because they love you so much but are very afraid of you being toxic for them, by their perspective they are trying to be fair with their feelings but keeping in mind your feelings too.

This person is very emotionally mature, they want to understand your point of view and what you expect from this connection but things haven't been clear between both of you and that led to little misunderstandings that ended up in a bigger one. You need to be more grounded to think clearly, right now the choice is in your hands to give a step forward or stand where you are, if you take the time to see things with perspective you will realize that this person has been truthful and honest with you but you may dealt with this relationship based in patterns from your past. Deep down you know there's a lot of love here and you know your person has an special place in their heart for you but you could feel scared of being vulnerable, don't be afraid to open your heart to this person, they will take a good care of it, the last thing they would want is to harm you and you are aware of it. Try to be realistic and watch the situation in a colder view, don't let your inner fears stop you from being happy.

- What you can't see:

(Cards: 1. Ghost of the pumpkin field; 5. Halloween spirits // bottom of deck: 4. Angel of snow; 17. Surprisingly lonely.)

Well baby, your heart screams for tender and care. There's a deep wound you have inside related to love and trust, you might have been betrayed, rejected or cheated in your past connections, you had lived stressful situations where you had to keep in alert to prevent the damage. You have this alert sense activated and is holding you from trusting other people intentions but I feel that you are aware of this tendency but it's hard to change old patterns. You have some phychic talents that talk louder and clearer when your mind is at peace but when it comes to people you tend to get blocked (if you are dealing with social anxiety or you are neurodivergent the contact with nature and animals is very helpful to release stress). Take some days for you to find the answers within you, your guides are really close to you in this moment of your life and want to help you. Remember and reclaim all your power, you deserve to be happy and the Universe is waiting to fulfill your life with blessings but you are the only one responsible of opening the door for them. Watch over the signals of your guides, the will try to approach you through signs and synchronicities.

- The purpose of this connection:

(Cards: engagement; wedding; reconciliation; this could be the one // bottom of deck: heart to heart conversations; forgiving and learning.)

This is a challenge for you my dear, your commitment is being tested. You wanted a real connection with pure feelings and Universe listened to your requests, you are seeing your desires manifest in your reality but fear is clouding your sight. If this is a romance connection this will end up in marriage, if you are in the first stages of the relationship the will have an offering of engagement and make your relationship more grounded. Soon there will be a chance to openly talk about your feelings and your perspective of this connection, this talk will give you a lot of hope and peace, they will clear up all of your doubts and will listen carefully with a lot of interest for everything you want to tell them, they really appreciate if you open up to them. After this you will feel lighter and hopeful, the past will weight less everyday and everything you've been through will get a meaning,

While I write I keep listening in my mind the song "I won't say I'm in love" from Hercules movie, Ariana Grande has a cover too. I recommend you to listen the song and then come back to tell me if it resonated 🥰.

- Positive affirmations:

I am healthy and full of energy

I live everyday with a positive mindset

I am aligned with the Divine in every aspect of my life

Green: -Current energies:

(Cards: 40. Creative collaboration; 16. All that glitters rev; 1. Yang rev // 37. Never ending story rev; 46. Regeneration.)

You are very open to dialogue and comunication with your person, you really want to make this connection work great and develop into something more. You are giving the best of you for this relationship trying everything in your hands to keep this person in your life, there's a lot of loyalty and commitment by your side but from your person I don't see the same energy. Your person is wearing a mask with you, they are not being completely open with their intentions torwards you and deep inside you know it. They are not being trustworthy and probably there are some lies around them or they have told you some lies to introduce themselves so much better that they really are, be careful with this person they are not what you think they are. They remind me of Prince Charming from Shrek, looking very graceful on the outside but with a huge ego and narcissistic tendencies.

Keep yourself safe from this person because they are delaying your healing process, even if you aren't aware of this they are draining your energies because yours are pure and sweet and theirs feels like a jar of tar. You are in an evolution process but I feel like you repeat a pattern when it comes to relationships of this nature, idk if it's romantic, friendship or family but something keeps repeating in your life. Sensitive people use to attract narcissistic personaliities to our lifes because we are their mirror of what they want to become but their ego doesn't allows them, if this is your case you owe yourself and your feelings protection and caring.

For the outcome of this connection you got the Yang card in reverse, the ones that are protecting you from higher realms are trying to protect you from a painful ending. This connection is not going further because they got nothing positive to give you and you need to accept this. I know it's disappointing, my dear but you have so much more to loose if you keep this connection going and you don't deserve someone emotionally irresponsible who's going to drain the happiness of your life.

- What is going on?:

(Cards: 6 of shells rev; the Tower; 2 of gems; 4 of shells; 3 of roses rev // bottom of deck: the Hanged Man rev; Princess of roses rev.)

There's a lot of imbalance in this connection, the care and affection you are handing is draining your energies and a Tower moment came to stop this harmful situation. For some of you I see a no contact situation with this person after that Tower, despite of the dissapointment this situation has made a positive change within you. Something inside you has made a click in your perspective and attitude torwards this connection perhaps even the way you deal with this kind of connections, you've realized some hidden truths about this person while that Tower moment, maybe the way they acted or perhaps they said something that made you start having doubts.

After a time for thinking and reevaluating the connection you will get clear conclusions, you'll end up giving a step back and leave this connection in the past to find more fulfilling and balanced connections. You will set healthy boundaries for your own wellbeing and I see like a time for healing your heart from past connections that were painful experiences too. Your perspective will shift and you will be your priority, congratulations sweetheart.

- What you can't see:

(Cards: 26. Carousel faerie; 17. Surprisingly lonely // bottom of deck: 29. Shallow grave; 2. Absinthe faerie.)

Maybe you are feeling like you repeat always the same situations but with different people, if you feel like this it is because it's a pattern you repeat in your connections with other people, this could be a karmic lesson as well. For some of you I see that the loss of someone you loved so much left a deep wound in your heart that you haven't taken the time to heal and it's conditionating you current life, you really miss this person or what they represented in your life. If they were someone you felt a very strong bound with you're unconsciously trying to find someone that complements you the same way this person did.

This hurt is leading you to have a mindset that attracts negativity to your life, your holding to tight to your chains and you're not allowing your beautiful soul to feel free. Cut this karma and never let it control your life ever again, take your time to close this cicle of your life and move forward to brighter horizons, you deserve honest and caring people in your life and they are out there somewhere in the world waiting to meet such a lovely person like you.

- The purpose of this connection:

(Cards: you deserve to be loved; chemistry; deception // bottom of deck: karmic relationship; pay attention to red flags.)

As I said this is mostly karmic, a person who comes to your life to teach you everythinng you don't want for your future. With this kind of connections we use to feel an strong chemistry from the first moment, almost like fireworks but as fast as the feeling comes as fast is leaving, this can be felt as a big deception for you because you had such high expectations of this person. You trusted them and you overlooked the red flags this person had, there's nothing wrong about that, it just means that you tend to look the good in everyone and that's something admirable, if there were more people with your heart the world would be such a more beautiful place. Remember that we give and see what we have on the inside, you gave love, compassion, understanding and care to this person, you focused on the best traits about them watching only the good. Feel proud of yourself for being so emotionally strong and wise and put yourself first, you are the only one who knows your emotional needs and you are the best person in the world to satisfy them, you deserve all the love in the world but first you need to know what kind of love you are able to accept.

- Positive affirmations:

I express my true self with no fear

I express myself in positive ways

I am free to say no when something isn't the best for me

I am safe when I look within to find inner peace

#witchblr #divination witch #leoascendente #tarot #tarotonline #tarotblr #pick a card reading #pick a pile #pick a picture #pick a card #pac #pac tarot #pac reading #free tarot reading #tarot reading #tarotcommunity #tarot cards #free tarot

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letmereadinpeace4 · 6 months

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My Dear Gangster Oppa Commentary - Episode 2

Reminders of the theories/interpretations made so far:

Guy and Tew are similar in their social awkwardness and their yearning for social interactions. However, they express it differently with Guy really coming across as awkward while Tew, thanks to his blank face and quietness, coming across as cold and inapproachable. Their different expressions of their social awkwardness leads to them having difficulty communicating.

Wahl and Guy are caught in a relationship that is overly emotionally intense. Their friendship has been build on their desire for connection and this has lead to them not drawing proper boundaries in their relationship, with Wahl feeling comfortable overstepping and Guy, so far, letting him do so. Guy’s unrequited love and his decision to distance himself has lead to a fracture in their relationship that is going to cause some issues.

Now that this is out of the way, let’s focus on the episode:

So we start this episode where we ended it, with Guy passed out from being drunk and clinging to Tew. Tew’s expression and the music make it clear that the physical contact is surprising but not unappreciated. I like how he slowly relaxes into the embrace. The romantic moment is somewhat undercut by the realization that both of their phones must have been ringing/vibrating the entire night!

We go from cute moment in the bedroom to a dramatic gangster scene and WHAT IS THIS OUTFIT!? Shirt with stripes and a red scarf! And this haircut! And these red tinted glasses that I might have worn when I was seven! And leather pants! Who dressed you! The more I look at it the more outrageous it is! Nothing works in this outfit! Nope sorry I know the music is supposed to make him look badass but this outfit just breaks any badass vibes he may have had. Even a knife does not help...

So Tew is a boss in a mafia gang and is having trouble because the random asshole he kicked out of the club happens to be the son of someone important...We will see where this goes but I am already placing bets that Guy will end up involved somehow, probably by getting kidnapped and used as a hostage.

The morning scene is really cute. I like that Guy and Tew are communicating much more naturally. The change is probably due to a mix of the pressure of the date being taken off, the fact that they spent the entire night cuddling and the fact that there is an expected social script for this kind of situation (or if you prefer, a somewhat clearer set of expectations to “succeed” at this social interaction i.e let someone sleep, explain how they got there, make them breakfast etc). This goes with my theory that Tew is more at ease when there is a social script to follow. Tew also confirms his eligibility as boyfriend by cooking a great breakfast for Guy, and Guy confirms his appreciation by letting him take the first bite and offering to wash the dishes. Overall a great moment of connection for both characters even if very little seems to be happening. It is this kind of interactions that slowly easy off the awkwardness and make future conversations easier.

So Guy talked about Wahl in his sleep. I like the random tangent about whales before confirming who Wahl actually is. This feels very real. More to the point, I like that Guy did not beat around the bush and explained things clearly. It is always good to see characters in drama avoid obvious misunderstanding tropes. Tew is not blind and recognizes that Guy has feelings for Wahl (or thinks he does).

Guy sees Tew’s scars and the situation immediately gets tense, which I absolutely get for both sides. Tew understandably does not wish to share about his day job as a gangster and Guy probably has so many questions about how the hell it happened.

So once he is back, Guy meets Wahl who is incredibly worried about where he was. Dramatic and overprotective sure, but somewhat justified by the fact that Guy disappeared all of the sudden without telling where he went and with whom, and did not answer his phone. It is easy to see Wahl as controlling, but if Guy has never done this kind of thing before, it is understandable that he would get worried.

Okay so while I do get that Wahl comes across as overprotective and controlling, he has a great point and his argument is fair. Meeting someone you have never met in real life, without telling anyone, and getting drunk is a recipe for disaster.

This must have been one of the rare time when Tew has been called kind. His smile is really beautiful. He soon gets down from his romantic high by being called for mafia responsibilities.

My theory that Wahl is immature seems to have more weight. His apology to Guy consists of him explaining why he was mad, saying sorry, and goofing around until Guy lets go of the grudge. He does not try to understand why Guy was mad or what line he might have crossed. He engages in this interaction with the mindset of “Please stop being mad” rather than “What made you mad?”. Then he says that he will spend some time with Guy only to backtrack and ask him to adapt to his schedule because his girlfriend asked for some help. To be fair, Wahl is not doing anything wrong per say: Guy is free all day and can meet him when he wants, and helping his girlfriend is what a good boyfriend does. However, he comes across as dismissive. By saying that he wants to spend some time with Guy only to backtrack when he has another engagement, his “kindness” towards Guy is downplayed and can be interpreted as disingenuous.

I will never get over about how glaring the shift from slice of life romantic comedy drama to mafia thriller is. One moment I am analyzing the dysfunctional relationship between two young adults and the next I am thinking about mafia politics.

Nope the outfit is not better! The glasses and the hairstyle still suck, the leather jacket and the red pants are kind of okay but for a teenager trying very hard to look cool, and the necklace plus the purple scarf is just an eyesore.

The old guy (their boss) stabbing (or tazing, it is not very clear) Wish John Lennon comes out of nowhere! I know it was supposed to be cool but it is so random I started laughing. Also way to breed resentment between your employees. Sorry mafia old dude but putting two of your members (they both seem to be pretty high rank) one against the other is only going to lead to trouble in the future.

So Wish John Lennon either killed someone or had sex with someone who is sleeping and rather than going to a doctor or to a pharmacy, he decides to treat his wound himself by pouring alcohol on it and licking his wound. Then he makes a dramatic threat against Tew for….getting him into trouble, even though apparently he didn’t even have to get involved in the first place and could have just stepped back and let Tew take the fall? I am sorry he just tries to hard to be a badass bad guy but his personality is so flat that I cannot get invested in him (I did not even catch his name…).

Tew seems to have his subordinates and employee's respect and I love that. Between Yuri who introduced him to gaming and gave him her profile to his driver/subordinate who worries about whether his apology to chief Sun went well, his people seem to care for him and respect him and it is really good to see.

Wahl again shows his lack of consideration. He invites Guy over when his girlfriend is here, apparently unaware that this makes Guy the third wheel, and ignores him in favor of bantering cutely with his girlfriend. Then he gets upset when Guy focuses on his phone.

I also have a feeling that Wahl simply does not get online relationship, probably because he did not engage in them. Furthermore, as he has mentioned in the last episode, his social circle tends to be Guy’s social circle. He sees Guy’s online friends as people he does not have access to and that, in some way, take Guy away from him. If we assume that Guy started gaming after Wahl got into a relationship, then it is reasonable to assume that Wahl may think that Guy distancing himself is because he found new friends online.

I am impressed by how easier it is for Tew and Guy to communicate by message. They banter easily, Guy plays cute while Tew plays hard to get and there us a teasing aspect to their interactions. It is almost jarring to see how different their interactions are between when they meet in the real world and when they talk online. I also love how clearly they enjoy talking to each other. Seriously they always smile when talking to each other. It is lovely to see.

I love the introduction of each member of the group. They manage to immediately introduce us to each character and their overall personality. Their banter is really fun. Also P’Insomnia is a mood.

I also really enjoy that they did not make the gamer characters into stereotypes. Usually, at least in the West, gamers are typically portrayed as socially maladjusted men dwelling in their mothers’ basement. It is really good to see different types of gamers and for them to have a positive portrayal.

The way Guy describes Tew is really sweet, not only because it shows that he is smitten with him but also because it shows that Guy has a much better understanding of who Tew is. It came much faster than I thought it would but I really like it.

I love Guy’s introduction of the member of the group to Tew. This is also a typical thing that happens with two introverts. When there is a social situation where one is more at ease than the other and suddenly it’s like their awkwardness is gone and they manage the social interaction perfectly. I call it the “My desire to be a good friend trumps my social awkwardness”.

They make it really obvious that they are into each other! I cannot imagine how awkward it is for everyone!

P’Insomnia is great! I really love her banter with Tom/Doctor Strange and her trying to restrain Muffin’s flirting. I also love how she feels confident enough in herself to only drink water when everyone else is drinking beer (especially since she came by bike).

Meanwhile, Guy joins the drinking even though he knows he does not have a good tolerance. It’s probably due to him wanting to do things like everyone else and join the drinking, but still, it is a bad idea. I wonder if this will stay as a running gag about him or if it will have more serious repercussions later. I do not have any preference as of now.

So Guy inevitably gets drunk and Tew gets him to the bathroom to take care of him. We have a speedrun of two romantic tropes in the space of two minutes with Tew catching Guy when he falls and then wiping his face. Tew seems to be taking his role as a caretaker in stride and I find it really sweet. I also find it interesting that he seems to be at ease in this role, aside from some mild exasperation at the beginning. So far, we do not know what his family background is but I wonder if he has already been placed in this position before.

As Guy and Tew exit the park, they meet Wahl, who has looked at Guy’s phone and discussion with “Yuri” and followed them. This is the one point where Wahl goes from being a protective friend who can be immature and inconsiderate to a friend who is crossing some serious boundaries. Him following Guy at the meeting, demanding to know why Guy is so drunk, pulling him towards him and accusing Tew of getting him drunk is more in line with how an over-controlling partner acts than how a proper friend acts, especially since he knows (again, when he looked at Guy’s phone conversation) that the meeting was planned. His previous overstepping could be explained by him being protective and perhaps being worried and afraid at the growing distance between him and Guy, but now he has no excuse for this behavior.

Wahl and Tew are staring at each other like predators defending their territory. Sorry Wahl, but I think Tew can overpower you any day, perhaps with only one hand.

Final Thoughts:

This was a good second episode, that serves as a good follow up to episode one. We got introduced to each members of the guild and they all seem like fun people with interesting personalities. I look forward to seeing more of them and I hope they can all maintain their friendship.

Guy and Tew grew closer faster than I expected, which is really good. There is still a difference between their communication online and their communication in real life, but from the pace at which their relationship seems to be advancing I have a feeling that they are merely going through an adjustment period. An element from their interactions online that I have noticed is their dynamic : Guy often plays cute to get what he wants and initiates the conversations while Tew plays hard to get with short answers and rebuttals, but indulges Guy at every turn. They also seem comfortable teasing each other. The reason I find it interesting is because, well frankly it is really cute, and second because it does not really translate to their interactions in the real world yet. If we assume that talking online is easier and more natural for them both, this implies that as they grow closer and more comfortable, this might be their future dynamic. I look forward to watching it happen.

A thing that I really enjoy is how the actors show how much Guy and Tew enjoy being with one another and talking to one another. When they are chatting online, they have huge smiles on their faces and are barely paying attention to what is happening around them. When they meet each other, they are constantly looking at one another and paying attention to one another. This might seem like a minor element, but it is this kind of things that makes a relationship convincing to me.

The mafia stuff, so far, seems completely separated from the rest of the plot, to the point that I honestly find it a little jarring. I have not been able to get a good reading on Wish John Lennon yet (What does he want? What is his deal with Tew? Why does he look like he chose his clothes randomly?) and a lot of things regarding Tew’s position and involvement are quite blurry to me. We know that he ranks quite high, but we don’t know why and what is his relationship with his boss. I hope we get to see more of it in future episodes, because so far this part of the show has not really impressed me.

And finally, the Wahl Situation. I will be honest, I do not want to hate Wahl. I think characters in his position often end up unjustly maligned both in-show and in the fandom and I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt. In this commentary, it might seem as though I am defending him, but what I really want to do is explain why he might react this way. Because in the end, he is a somewhat immature nineteen year old (at least) who is watching his friend slowly distance himself from his and might not even know why.

That having been said, this episode showed him cross the line between concerned and a little possessive friend to friend who is being inconsiderate and overbearing. I have said in the commentary that he comes across as an over-controlling partner. However in hindsight he actually reacts more like an overprotective parent or elder sibling, with the actions of looking at Guy’s phone, scolding him for his recklessness and being aggressive to people he perceives as a threat. Scolding your friend when they do something reckless is a good thing. Worrying about their safety is also a very good thing. But assuming a position of control and/or supervision without their consent or appreciation is crossing the line. In future episodes, I look forward to seeing two things regarding Wahl : first, how Guy reacts to Wahl’s presence at the park and his actions towards Tew, and second, what exactly is Wahl feeling for Guy and what is his impression of their relationship so far.

So that’s it for episode 2. This commentary ended up way too long and I probably overthink about some things, but I enjoyed writing it. I really look forward to watching the next episode in *check mydramalist* 5 days.

#my dear gangster oppa #thai bl #letmerantinpeace

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alpacahat67 · 1 year

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Idia Shroud is Autistic-Coded; Here's Why

Hello! Happy Autism Awareness Month! In celebration, I will be posting a wholeeee load of autistic traits I have found in Idia. This is coming from a person who, while undiagnosed, is most likely autistic.

If you have any additions, please tell me in whatever way is most convenient (comments, reblogs, asks, dms... whatever.) This list will likely be evergrowing as more events, vignettes, and story content are added to TWST. Some of these may be a stretch but ya know.

This is organized by trait for your (and my) convenience. Begins under cut!

*Warning, I am not a medical professional. I'm just autistic and for a while got fixated on autism itself. Which is why I call myself autistic... I've been researching this shit for many years lol

We'll be starting with DSM-5 requirements in order to be diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. Then, we will move to common experiences (things that most autistic people experience, but aren't a tell-tale sign that you're autistic and aren't a requirement for a professional diagnosis.) Finally will be disorders that Idia shows symptoms of that tend to co-occur with ASD.

Numbered list will explain the traits Idia demonstrates. At the end, the diagnostic criteria specified will be stated in parentheses and quotation marks.

A) Persistent deficits in social communication and social interaction across multiple contexts...

Generally, Idia is seen to have trouble communicating with his peers if not behind a screen or while interacting with something he enjoys (such as talking about anime or playing a board game.) ("Deficits in social-emotional reciprocity, ranging, for example, from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation...")

Idia's way of expressing emotion is difficult to pin down. He will go from speaking very quietly (and stuttering usually) in a near-monotone voice with an "emotionless" expression to talking loudly, quickly, and with a HUGE smile on his face. We don't quite get to see how he responds to nonverbal communication or how he portrays it himself (probably because it doesn't come up, or because of live2d restrictions), but we do learn that he hates eye contact I believe in his Birthday Boy vignette when he claims to hate having to laugh and make eye contact with normies (masking right there buddy go to a doctor) ("Deficits in nonverbal communicative behaviors used for social interaction, ranging, for example, from poorly integrated verbal and nonverbal communication; to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures; to a total lack of facial expressions and nonverbal communication.")

This is where it could kinda get stretchy, partially because I for the life of me am having trouble understanding A.3. BUT. Idia is often very blunt, to the point where he's straight up rude, especially in situations where that kind of attitude is... not very helpful. See the Phantom Bride event when he chastises the boys coming to rescue him for looking disheveled after fighting for their lives, which makes them not want to rescue him despite his life being on the line (I think Ace even goes off on him for this lol.) Furthermore, the only people amongst his peers that he will indulge are Azul, Ortho and (unknowingly, and only online) Lilia. The rest he has zero interest in, whether he despises or is scared of them. They're all normies. Finally, it's shown that throughout his life he has had very little if not zero friends in real life aside from Ortho. To be fair, I don't think there were many kids his age back home lol. ("Deficits in developing, maintaining, and understanding relationships, ranging, for example, from difficulties adjusting behavior to suit various social contexts; to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends; to absence of interest in peers.")

Part one of an autism diagnosis down! Idia shows persistent deficits in each social and communication area specified through A.1-A.3. In order to be diagnosed, you also much show two out of four of restricted, repetitive behaviors specified through B.1-B.4 below.

B) Restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior, interests, or activities, as manifested by at least two of the following, currently or by history...

Due to live2d restrictions, we never exactly get to see Idia physically stim. (Well, I'd argue we get to see Floyd physically stim with his constant swaying back and forth, but not like they can flap their hands or anything.) This one's a stretch, but his form of verbal stimming could be the little sound effects he makes at times, mostly in book 6 actually. Specifically, his "DA DA DA DAAAAA" after explaining the plot of Star Rogue to the overblot victims in Styx as well as his "BOOM BADA BOOM BOOM BOOM! HAH!" after finishing Ortho in the flashback sequence. Other than that, the only other ideas I'd have for repetitive movements or sounds are headcanons. I don't know if I'd count this one. ("Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech")

This is another one I don't think we ever see in-game. I don't know... the things I could consider part of this criteria would better fit as sensory things~! Again I'm an Idia connoisseur but if you know anything about this please tell me I will update this one. ("Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines, or ritualized patterns of verbal or nonverbal behavior")

Idia is shown to have MULTIPLE very strong interests. Whether this might be a special interest or hyperfixation... it's hard to tell, but I can sure guess. The longest-running interest we see him show to have, originating from way back when Ortho was still alive, is Star Rogue. Because he seems to know nearly everything about the game and has also maintained the interest for a long time, I would consider this a special interest (along with engineering and technomancy, which he's said to have excelled in since a young age.) Idia does talk about certain specific animes and other games he enjoys, but not to the degree of Star Rogue (yes that's my basis here), so I don't know if that's a special interest or just a hyperfixation. It's the same situation with idol groups, particularly Premo (or Fates on the Edge). This isn't even it. That man is fandom trash and I love him. ("Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus")

Idia is shown on multiple occasions to have sensory issues. To the point where, similarly to his strong interests, I don't know if I know half of it. During the Phantom Bride event and his Union Birthday vignette, Idia complains about his neck feeling cold due to his hair being brushed behind his hair (PB) or up in a ponytail (UB). He also complains about his Phantom Bride suit AND his Birthday Boy suit being "stuffy", but that one could also be a stretch. In the Harveston event, Idia says that he only eats his apples canned or peeled, which I'd chop up to sensory issues once again. (Although, that one could also be under B.2) Idia constantly has his headphones around his neck to listen to music. A bit of a stretch, but they're also noise canceling, so there's a chance he uses them to avoid overstimulation. Finally, Idia states that he doesn't like fish because it's smelly and slimy. I get that Idia raw fish is texture hell. As far as I know, there's no point in which Idia under-reacts to sensory input (e.g. pain) or becomes very invested in it (like staring at a moving wheel.) ("Hyper- or hyporeactivity to sensory input or unusual interest in sensory aspects of the environment")

And there we have it. Autism diagnosis. Idia demonstrates persistent deficits in all three sections under A and at least two sections under B. BUT WAIT! We still have C-E!

C) Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).

Really, the only point in which we see Idia demonstrate autistic traits in early life is his interest in Star Rogue. This is probably just because of how the storyline is. We actually don't know very much about Idia OR Ortho when they were young. However I would argue that Idia does mask because of the multiple times where he immediately just gets upset prior to talking to someone (something he probably hides during conversation). And ofc that one time he complains about talking to normies in his Birthday Boy vignette (? it could've be a voice line.)

D) Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning.

Idia's symptoms in fact significantly impair his life. I think that alone is obvious enough. We see it every time that man's on screen.

E) These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay...

Symptoms that Idia experiences could very well be explained by other mental disorders such as social anxiety, but these are not intellectual disabilities. Explaining away ASD for Idia falls into a trap many autistic people do in real life with medical professionals who just can't believe that their patient is autistic for one reason or another; these people will sometimes receive a dozen different diagnoses that all could be better explained by autism spectrum disorder. That's not very cool. Therefore, this does not apply.

Specifically, Idia would likely have ASD co-morbid with social anxiety and most likely clinical depression. (I HAVE done some minor research into Idia and bipolar disorder, but that's a situation for another day and far more of a stretch than ASD ever could be.)

DSM-5 requirements cleared! Next stage, common experiences.

This is another thing I will need help for because it's not like there's scholarly articles on "things a lot of autistic people experience but it's definitely not something a doctor will ask you about." So please share. This is the list that will never stop growing.

Abnormal posture (Crewel gets onto Idia for not standing up straight, he often is portrayed sitting in chairs with his knees to his chest, and he's seen doing "dino hands" or "T-Rex arms" in battle mode on occasion.)

Target of bullying (Many autistic people, especially autistic girls, tend to be bullied more often than their allistic peers. While not always to his face, people do tend to talk bad about Idia behind his back, Ortho even has a 'Don't Talk Shit About My Brother' beam for the bullies lol.)

More tone + social stuff... (Things that the DSM-5 thing didn't quite fit. In book 6 he jokes about torturing the overblots and when everyone's like 'dude wtf' he's like 'what it was a joke dumbass.' Could be written off as just an odd sense of humor, or it could be difficulty reading the room lol.)

A love for lists and organization. (When Idia speaks autonomously in your guest room, he mentions having things exactly where you need them and how it's 'convenience'. He also seems to have a knack for practicality. It's not too much of a stretch to say it ties into a need for organization.) (Idia has every NRC student organized into multiple tier lists on the R-SSR rating system like the in-game cards based on certain factors, such as most social.)

Easily startled. (Self-explanatory. HieEh.)

Preference for connection through interests. (Another reason why he is disconnected from those around him, aside from the whole trauma thing, and calls most other people "normies." They don't "get" his interests, so he has no interest in being friends with them.)

Difficulty with processing time. (Remember when he had apparently been working on Ortho's uhhh starsender gear? For like 12 hours straight?"

Relaxes through interacting with interests (In the vignette I referenced in 7, when Ortho tells him to take a break, he decides to play Star Rogue. Ortho meant to sleep.)

Putting off needs until one can not longer ignore them. (Idia often gets so engrossed in what he's doing that he forgets to do basic self-care tasks like eating.)

Infodumping. (Shown a lot in book 6. Namely with his like 2-3 minute long rant about Star Rogue. The rest, such as him rambling on and on about Styx, seems to be used so the audience knows what the HELL is happening. He does go on rants outside of this book tho.)

Gifted kid (Yeah he was called a "boy genius.")

This is not a complete list by any means, I could go on for DAYS.

On the topic of co-occurring disorders, the two most obvious disorders Idia clearly is dealing with are social anxiety and depression. Both of which are often co-morbid with ASD.

While social anxiety and ASD have a lot of overlap, they aren't the same thing, but often autism can contribute to the development of social anxiety through masking and the general difficulties in socializing that come with autism. Allistic people tend to react negatively in response to an autistic person doing something that the allistic person deems unorthodox. This reaction can often cause a lot of internal turmoil for the autistic person due to rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Furthermore, masking requires a high level of awareness of one's environment as well as the judgment of others. Thus, social anxiety can often develop.

While I don't know how exactly autism might affect depression as it does social anxiety, I do know that depression is VERY common in autistic adults. 5 in 10 adults with ASD have depression, and living in a world built for those who are neurotypical is hard for anyone who is neurodivergent, which definitely does not help. And it sure as hell has to make it worse for Idia of all people.

Additions made by others (tysm!): @hey-haven mentions in a reblog Idia's low empathy towards other people. I recommend heading over to their blog to check out what they said because they do make an amazing point and it's probably far better than anything I could explain (lol). But to paraphrase, they cite specifically Idia making fun of his classmates who just fought for their lives to rescue him during the Phantom Bride event and his attitude towards the overblot victims and their reactions to being essentially kidnapped during book 6, in which he seems to not really "get" why they're so upset. Generally, when it surrounds emotions that aren't his own, he's pretty oblivious. They also bring up his little "whee-hee-hee" laugh! It brings up an observation I've seen of autistic people (seemingly) laughing at "random" or generally inappropriate times because we tend to express laughter in a voiced manner (like laughing out loud because you find something genuinely funny) rather than an unvoiced manner (like the little exhale you do at a funny photo on your phone). Idia laughs a lot, I don't know if it's realistic to connect it to autism or if it's better explained by him just being a weird guy (which I love about him don't get me wrong lol.) Although the study about this was with specifically autistic and non-autistic children though... it's food for thought I guess.

And with that, my essay comes to a close. Again, happy Autism Awareness Month! Share some of your favorite autistic, canon or otherwise, characters and boost autistic creators! And remember to not support Autism Speaks :)

Thank you for listening.

-Alpaca (autistic Idia Shroud enthusiast)

P.S. this post is so long that it's making my PC lag LMAOOOO

#Malleus is autistic too btw #So is Leona but that's because I said so he isn't autistic coded #twst #twisted-wonderland #idia shroud #autistic experiences #autistic pride #autistic headcanon #autism awareness month #idia shroud twst #idia shroud twisted wonderland #idia shroud is my babygirl i love him

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