#but I still get weird gender moments from like getting my stuff labeled as guy stuff or something | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elytrafemme · 2 years

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im here to ask a system question. warning: it might be dumb or ignorant or too intrusive or something cause i dont know what words are. ignore and delete if you want ,or answer with thumbs down emoji so that i go away for a bit

i started saying i was nonbinary online for anonymity or whatever and then i realised hey.... i like this a little too much. fast forward a year and im being theythem'd left right and center by my best friend, and i gave myself a name that i adore, and i want to do a lot more coming out to a lot more people because all i can think about at the moment is that im not a girl or a boy. im just a guy. i never expected people to be okay with this and im scared i cant live my whole life as a nonbinary person or that im just being stupid or something.

is this sort of happening with you as a system right now? not the online anonymity part i mean. but is what youre telling us Mare Enjoyers spilling into your real life? do you tell people? do your friends know? are you terrified about it all the same way i am?

i know being part of a system isnt the same as a gender crisis and its sort of ridiculous of me to phrase this question as if it is, but youre a hugehuge inspiration for me and id like to know how youre living life. or whatever

i guess im asking because this gender stuff feels like my brain is being rewritten. or electrified or something. and i wondered if being part of a syystem is a bit like that too? thanks. if you want to you can tell me to leave or die or something. thank you thanks

anon. rattles you like a maraca. im not going to tell you to die for asking me a well intentioned question 😭 like you're okay i promise, hands you an autumn leaf i found outside <3

that being said i worry i can't give you an adequate answer because im not sure how to make an apt comparison here? my experience with gender myself has been kind of all over the place but mostly boiled down to "i'll just let people find out through some means and we'll go from there"

a little diff from your experience but there are similarities maybe? also i totally get the like, staying anonymous to oh Shit gender pipeline .and im glad you have a lotta supportive people in your life; i think so long as you've got yourself, and you've got a support system, you can live the rest of your life the way you want to! i mean all you really need is yourself but its nice having people to affirm it. so i think u will be okay :D <3

the system stuff is. weird. because okay i do have a thin thread that ties this account to my IRLs and that thin thread is that my closest friend follows this account. which has been kind of a risky maneuver but ultimately my thing is like, if xe finds out then... xe finds out? and we move on. me and my best friend have the benefit of familiarity and also knowing when to let sleeping dogs lie, so i'm not really worried about that.

what DOES scare me is other people IRL finding out, which is kind of different to any of my experiences with sexuality or gender or anything. because for better or for worse i'm sort of an open book, i have a pretty expressive face i've been told and i'm in a pretty accepting school so i just kinda. let shit happen.

of course having a dissociative disorder is really different though because that could legitimately get me into some really shitty situations in a psychiatric context. one of the things protecting me here is the fact that it's more like... i "have" a "dissociative disorder". i might share many characteristics with OSDD-1b, but i'm not going to diagnose myself and my therapist isn't going to diagnose me and both of our reasonings boil down to wanting to prevent me from getting labeled or hospitalized or sterilized or whatever the hell the modern psychiatric biz is still justifying as appropriate measures.

the 'rewritten' part of what you said REALLY resonates, because i think the hardest part about not having my IRLs know is less like ... it's not really that i need them to know about the others. sure it'd be nice to explain the joke that i laughed at out of nowhere (to them) and say that it was klav sassing me about something, but that's not really necessary when i have you all here?

it's more like. well. i myself, as in me, mare, am the host. but i don't know if i was the host forever. most of my mental health recovery has been purposeful and good and hard work on my part, sure. but there was a weird point in time where i had this barrier i couldn't bypass, and one day i just woke up and did. and it just so happened that when i got to that place, i also became more aware of the others (though i hadn't known it was them at the time). a lot that leads me to think i haven't been the host forever.

and i don't need people to know that, exactly. our memories are the same, there's a few blocked out periods but those aren't really the memories i want to recall with anybody IRL anyway and i'm sure they aren't interested in thinking about it either. it's just... there's a very strange grief with knowing that you aren't exactly... the same person? that has been here the whole time. it's very weird. like really fucking weird. and it's kind of hard to live sometimes knowing that i can't really reference who i was before i was 16 without the thought of "that wasn't you."

in the end, the reason that i'm part of a system is because i underwent trauma and my brain needed a way to cope with it. people aren't supposed to be able to tell when me and dahlia switch during school because dahlia fronts when i'm distressed and unable to function, so it's just an attempt to keep me functioning, not her trying to say hi. et cetera. in the end, my classmates aren't really having these weird meet and greets with my alters -- they're around to keep us all afloat.

maybe someday i'll tell people in real life about them. but at the end of the day it's all just one large coping mechanism, with a shit ton of cons and a lot of mental fuckery. and of course it's not just a coping mechanism to ME but it would be that to other people. does that make sense? it's just like any of the other vague coping mechanisms i've mentined to people to explain why i'm so happy so frequently despite everything.

so to summarize all that, i am pretty terrified of people IRL finding out. it could get me into some really yikes situations, and it's also just fucking complicated to explain. but if i did explain it, i would just frame it as a coping mechanism, and i'm sure over time people would stop caring so much.

i've been rambling kind of a lot because this is sort of complicated. it's inevitable someone finds out at some point; i just hope it's in a setting where we're alone and i can explain.

coming out as being part of a system is probably less terrifying than the experience of being part of a system, so it's all uphill. and i think some parts of explaining it would be more terrifying than others, so it's all relative. uphill and relative.

sorry this is rambly, i was thinking about all this just this morning actually? it has a lot of facets to it. saying that i'm not the same person that has always hosted is probably infinitely harder to admit than saying "yeah i have a part of my brain that holds my desperation and helplessness so that in my day to day life i don't feel those emotions as much."

would i like to be open about being a system to everyone? maybe, but it's not necessary. if i'm marrying someone then yes, i'd like them to know. but if we're close friends, or just friends in general, all i really care about is my friends knowing that i'm okay. and that i'm getting through life. the means of how i'm getting through it aren't really relevant to the conversation, imo.

hope you're welll, anon, sorry for rambling this much. and if my IRL following this account does see this, i'm okay lmao also my homeocming fit is so good you're gonna love it ok see u later love u. and i don't know, really, but. yeah. i don't know exactly.

TLDR yeah it's terrifying, but hopefully i have some kind of safeguard against bad consequences following coming out. i am sure if i explained to people in my life they would eventually understand, though some parts of it would be harder to phrase so i would probably leave a few things out. if i'm marrying someone i would probably let them know but otherwise i don't think it's necessary my friends know my coping mechanisms, just that i'm coping. it's not just a coping mechanism to me, but it would be if i were to explain it.

#nightmare.ask #long post #nightmare.system #holy SHIT i talked a lot sorry #i was just crying over this in the morning so i have a lot of thoughts

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malpractice-morale · 2 months

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so fun stuff fun stuff i have an ace pride pin on my pencil case and that is just about as open as i am about identifying as asexual due to my whole "a single-word label is never able to fully encompass the range of complex self-understanding and emotions of a person" approach to gender and sexuality and i really really don't want to get into the whole asexuality thing in relation to my own identity because that is wayyyy too closely linked to the darker parts of my personal history and i really don't need anybody to know. so subtlety it is, because i am also of the belief that it makes for a good nod to anybody who cares enough to even know the flag on the pin. but i have a friend who is ace too and with whom i have had that talk about my personal experiences around sex and attraction and just general intimacy and tactility but she has very little awareness that, while nominally open about my identity, i do in fact keep very quiet about it because i dont. want. people. to. ask.

cue to me handing her my pencil case fully aware that the pride pin is on there and she sometimes doesnt consider what she is saying and her immediately almost word for word repeating our conversation about it (not getting into personal history, but still quoting my approach to attraction (namely the "i dont swing at all" annecdote/quote from aftg because i am lame like that and it just fits as a description)) and a guy who i am fairly sure has a middling to major crush on me (which is weird for ANOTHER whole host of reasons) but who is also the most respectful person that i know is sitting right in front of me for all of that.

additional fun fact: i like my personal space, i am really picky about who i am okay with touching and that doesn't always correlate to whether or not i like people, that's a whole thing too.

additional additional fun fact: i have another whole THING™ about only telling people if they ask because i don't owe anybody my identity and asexuality allows the comfort of not needing to communicate to the people i am attracted to as there aren't any. and i don't care otherwise because, again, me and my (sort of involuntary) label have an ambivalent relationship since I DONT LIKE LABELS but we also live in a hellscape of a world where everything needs to be categorizable.

On the same day we had the ace-pin reveal (seriously, this pin has been on there for years now, get with it and learn the flags, people!) i offered the guy a goodbye hug because he is an emotional shipwreck right now and seemed like he needed it but, again, i dislike people in my personal space so this was a bit of an occasion™. safe to say he was perplexed at me offering a hug.

and here we are three days later with the guy asking me if that goodbye hug was weird or not (again, very nice dude who really likes respecting other people's boundaries). and then we get to the "was that weird because of "that penguin-pin on your pencil case"" and i have a grown ass man asking if i do not like people in my personal space because i am asexual and if that is a general asexuality thing and UGH this is precisely what i mean - i immediately have to explain that a) i am neither a representative of the identity i possess nor the community that it comes with b) that this community is NOT a monolith and c) i at most use asexual as a shorthand to get the "i don't want to date you fuck off" point across and don't feel that it, as either label or identity, fully encompasses my personal experience. and i REALLY don't want to get into the reasons for all of that so bless the guy for being good about boundaries and respecting mine. and not asking too many questions about it because NOPE we are not getting into the whole mess that is me and my relationship with sex and romance if there is any way i can avoid it. and in the moment my nervous system was on high alert because this conversation has the potential to go in a very bad direction for me. but i am reasonably sure that i will have to face the "why do you only talk about it when asked" question as well as the "so what does asexual even mean" conversation with this dude because our entire relationship is deep talking about personal problems until three am.

and on a last side note: i think the only people in my life that haven't yet gotten the gist of "i don't want to date anybody i do not care for sexual encounters get lost leave me alone in a hut in the woods with a barn full of animals pLEASE" are my parents and my best friend (although they are all aware of the fact that i am LIKE THAT, they are just not aware that there is a somewhat correspondent identity and label that i could utilize). in their case i am reasonably certain that, where my identity and lifestyle are currently accepted, giving it a name would only serve to "other" me, especially with regards to my dad who understands queerness only in the stereotypes of gay men and lesbian women. but at least my best friend needs to get with it sooner or later or one of my friends will assume she's in on it and be unable to keep their mouth shut (probably the same friend who was talking about the pin, she has bad impulse control and it is forgiven as the existence and meaning of the pin are public knowledge, so long people know to decode it (which, seriously, it's the year 2024 and this label has been around longer than my grandma).

so guess what my weekend plans will be, what great joy…. (for context: my best friend is my childhood best friend who is straighter than a ruler and has about negative understanding of queerness, meaning that, where in my university bubble most people know about asexuality and usually go about it in a "are you ace?" way, my best friend will need the whole kit and caboodle of Asexuality101 full frontal coming out and just the thought drains my life-force)

but hey, at least i am now kind of officially out to everybody in my university bubble so that is a win (though my friends who know already knew it without asking (and then asked))

#really tempted to just hit my best friend with the wikipedia article and “me” and then just having that be it but alas that's not her humor #but that would no doubt lead to a very lengthy phone call where she'd ask me to explain myself and i don't want to do this over the phone #so maybe that's what we'll do right before she drives down on thursday for sushi and deep-talk #my favorite “we know” thing was a friend going yeah no you are the kind of person who when confronted with a fork in the road where one #leads to a woman and the other to a man would just turn around and run the other direction #which a) why so binary and b) the most accurate description of my approach to dating that i have ever heard #i am team “sorry i won't be in the country for a few months” as a response to being asked out #asexual ramblings

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thoughtvoid · 2 years

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Pride month is weird for me. I tend to just vibe and support others, but weird when thinking about myself.

It’s always been weird trying to self reflect on things like sexual orientation and gender preferences. Mostly because I really seem to lean into ‘I don’t care’ about most of it, and I always have to wonder how much of that may be due to depression, mental stuff like autism, and how much of it is how I’d feel if I didn’t feel constantly detached from the world at large.

Like. There’s always a part of me that’s aware that, regardless of if there’s a ‘reason’ I feel one way, that doesn’t negate my feelings in the moment or make my experience lesser. But other parts of me want to know the full answer to questions I would never be able to answer unless I were in a safe and secure spot in my life. (Which I technically am, since I have few actual concerns about money or living situation or anything like that. But anxiety won’t let me live in peace unless I had everything under control for myself, and atm things are just good because my parents are good.)

Financial and general life stability aside, I do at least think I’m asexual. My memory is pretty good, and I can’t remember any time I’ve ever been interested in anyone or anything in a sexual way. I’m pretty sure on aromantic for the same reasons. I can remember how I was with people in the past, and I never could understand people asking other people out without them really ever having met before. Felt super awkward to even think about. Granted, if I’ve never dated (and never really had any guy friends), there’s a chance I could be demi, but chances are. Low. In a ‘I have fictional fave characters that I’d love to hug and hang out with, but had a friend who had a harem of her fave guys that she legit found attractive, and I just had to shrug’ kinda low chance.

What I’d really like to know is if depression might be interfering with my perception of gender preference. Mostly because, currently, I would say I have gender apathy, and while I can think back to my pre-depression self and say I just don’t want anything with sexual and romantic preferences, I never really thought about my gender when I was younger. (Or much at all until it became such a big deal online tbh. Not that I ever felt pressure to pick a defined label, but it did make me wonder.)

When I was younger, I had to wear dresses to church because it was still a time where religious people tended to wear more traditional stuff. I was fine with dresses... until I wasn’t. I hated being forced to wear them and get new ones as I grew. Eventually, it was okay to wear skirts, and I liked it slightly better. But when I got to wear slacks, I never wore a dress or skirt the entire rest of the time I was forced to attend church. I was a tomboy who played sports and would roughhouse with my younger brother. I had a naturally deeper voice than most girls my age, and a few people made fun of me for that. I know I didn’t like being made fun of, but I also don’t think I would have been too bothered by the implication if it weren’t specifically done as an insult. I would rarely get violent, but I did threaten people who bothered my friends. Usually with my nails, which grew long, and I liked having long nails and med/long hair. I’d pick out pretty feminine designed glasses, but my face is more masculine in general, and I had zero interest in using makeup that could make it ‘look better’. Mixed feelings about the idea of gender conformity in general, to this day, and just tend to go with whatever I personally like.

In the online space, I join a forum, and eventually a chat group with people that I still know to this day. Since I didn’t use a username that indicates one way or another what my gender was, there was some confusion. Some people defaulted to he/him, others she/her. And Even though I noticed the pronouns, I didn’t feel any need to clarify until I was directly asked if I was a boy or girl. And even now, the rare times people refer to me without talking about me online, I never correct anyone if they don’t use she/her. Even if they do use he/him, it legitimately doesn’t bother me, and I feel no validation or anything regardless of the pronoun used. Nowadays, if people (usually channels with introductions more often) ask for pronouns, I usually just say ‘any’ or all available options. I really Do Not Care. It’s the sort of situation where I can also consider how I’d feel if it were said right in front of me, and honestly? I think I’d be amused if someone referred to me as he/him in public, but I don’t think I’d feel offended or mad. If anything, since I’ve cosplayed, I find it validating if people get confused on my gender. It’s just not usually something that happens day to day, for. Reasons.

But ye. Idk. It sounds almost kinda lazy if I just go ‘no to sexual, no to romantic, and I don’t really care about gender’. I know it’s perfectly valid, since it’s what I feel, but still. Weird. I don’t feel a strong connection with pride month as a celebratory validating time, even if I could be because I’m definitely not the ‘default’ hetero cis experience. If I can’t relate, I know I have a place among the queer, if I so chose. But I do feel happy for people who do feel the excitement and pride.

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retroaria · 3 years

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can you do headcanon number 10 with karl <3 love your writing btw!

Karl Jacobs: Fluff Alphabet ✿

cc!karl jacobs x reader

pronouns: gender neutral

warnings: just swearing

here’s my 500 Follower Event ^o^

a/n: even if they aren’t requested in the event i’ll still be making fluff hc’s for all the cc’s i write so stay tuned !!

A is for Affection (How do they like to show affection?)

other than physical touch (saving that for love language) karl’s favorite way to show affection is making you a huge part of his life. all of his friends and loved ones know just how important you are to him even without him saying anything. especially with blowing up and all the busy stuff he does as a creator, he wants you to be there with him every step of the way, never leaving you in the dark about anything. he’s always asking you for advice or ur opinion on certain projects, and if ur willing to help too that just makes him so happy. because at the end of the day, he wouldn’t be able to do it without you :)

B is for Bond (What kind of bond do you guys have? What could your relationship be labeled as?)

you guys are definitely the wholesome couple. there’s so much love and communication between you two that doesn’t go unnoticed by the people around you. on top of that, you guys share an adoration for each other that is just so freaking cute man

C is for Comfort (How do they comfort their s/o?)

in the beginning of your relationship, karl would kinda just try to cheer you up or make you laugh, but as things get more serious he’s very avid on getting you to talk about your issues so he can find the best way to be there for you.

D is for Dates (What are dates with them like?)

dates with karl are so fun !! he definitely likes just doing random stuff like shopping, going on long drives, or trying new places to eat and calling them dates. at the same time you guys also do bigger things like fancy restaurants (hes so rich oh dear god), amusement parks, long day trips, stuff like that.

E is for Emotions (How do they express their emotions around you?)

karl doesn’t strike me as a ‘heart on his sleeve’ kinda guy but around you, he’s definitely not closed off at all. aside from just talking to you and verbally being open, he also isn’t afraid to let you see him get upset or even cry about something. i see him as the type to value transparency in a relationship.

F is for Fiancé (How long into the relationship before they propose?)

karl definitely loves you, no doubt about it. but i feel like you guys really do enjoy just being together in the moment and not worrying about that stuff until much later down the line. you could be dating for a really long time and there’s still gonna be so much you can learn about each other. i’ll give karl an official number of 5 years. but maybe even longer. it’s a big decision guys remember!! especially because he does want you in his life forever, he wants to make sure the bond is truly like no other.

G is for Gentle (Are they gentle?)

depends. you guys have lots of playful banter and bullying but at the end of day he can be a big softy when it comes to you. so yes id say he’s pretty gentle 👍

H is for Hand Holding (How do they like hand holding?)

loves it. obviously. it’s karl jacobs. have you seen the guy?

I is for I Love You (Who said “I love you” first?)

him. it was really early on into the relationship and he kinda regretted saying it so quickly. there was just so much emotion going on for him at the time and he just blurted it out. after a little while longer tho, he gave a proper confession of his love.

J is Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

everyone always says no for karl but YES. he does get jealous. not like angry jealous more like weirded out and uncomfy jealous. you can usually tell when he’s feeling that way.

K is for Kiss (What’s kissing them like?)

writing about kissing kinda makes me cringe but i had to think of something for k. it happens a lot probably. very sweet and loving. not just on the lips but karl will give you random kisses anywhere whenever he feels like it.

L is for Love Language (What’s their love language?)

PHYSICAL TOUCH AHHHH. constant hand holding, hugs, and cuddles. he loves being close to people he loves and it’s very obvious (i’m a karlnap shipper and analyzer sorry just had to confess)

M is for Memories (Their favourite memory with their s/o?)

karl’s favorite memories with you are usually on his days off when he just gets to spend an entire day being with you and only you. on top of that he also is very fond of the first time he ever met you and was like “ooo ahh wow you should like spend the rest of ur life with me or whatever Idk just something to think about ” lol.

N is for Nicknames (Their favourite nicknames given and received?)

nothing too soppy because i think karl would find it cringe but “babe” and “cutie” are the most frequent.

O is for Open (At what point do they start opening up to you about their life and feelings?)

after the first argument you guys have methinks. i feel like being caught in the honeymoon phase would kinda put the opening up process on hold, but once there’s a need for it it becomes a frequent thing.

P is for PDA (Are they into PDA?)

uhh not really. i know i said differently in my karl dating hc’s but i think he would find it a little cringe. hand holding is a definite because that’s simple ya know and hugging and small kisses and stuff but nothing more. he’s touchy as we all know but that’s just for you guys lol

Q is for Quiz (How much do they remember about you?)

karl loves loves LOVES knowing things about you. finding out stuff you guys have in common makes him so happy even just similarities in the ways you were raised and your childhoods and such. he’s a good listener and is always attentive. even if he wasn’t good at remembering stuff he would make the conscious effort to do so.

R is for Romantic (How romantic are they?)

he’s such a little goofball gremlin that the thought of him seriously being romantic just doesn’t feel right but. he is. he loves doing stuff for you and just telling you how much he loves you and getting emotional about it. taking you out and making you feel like the luckiest person alive :)

S is for Security (How protective/possessive are they?)

he honestly doesn’t strike me as the protective type. possessive i would say maybe a little bit. he’s just so happy to have you and so like proud of himself for getting an epic s/o lol. he would never intrude on a friendship of yours or anything but if he was uncomfortable in anyway he would let you know before acting out.

T is for Try (How much effort do they put into the relationship?)

he puts everything he can into it. with him being so busy all the time things might get rocky but he makes such an effort to spend as much time with you as he can. being there for you is something that’s really important for him as well. any disagreements you guys have is resolved asap because he definitely doesn’t like leaving things on a bad note.

U is for Uphold (How do they show you they’re proud? What kind of support do they give you?)

he talks about you lots. anything that you make him or buy him is showed off on stream and any accomplishments you’ve made he would publicly congratulate you on. just showing to the world how great he thinks you are and how proud of you he is makes you feel so supported and he always wants you to feel that way.

V is for Vaunt (Do they like to show off?)

yes obviously ur the coolest most epic person and HE gets to be with you??? biggest flex ever if you ask me.

W is for Wild Card (A random fluff headcanon.)

karl likes doing stuff at the same time as you?? i hope that makes sense. like washing the dishes together or working on stuff. he also likes watching anime or movies/tv shows at the same time as you too. if a new episode of something just came out and he has the time to watch it but you don’t, he’ll wait for you so you can do it together. couple goals lol.

X is for X-ray (How well can they read you and your emotions/feelings?)

karl cares a lot about how the people around him are feeling and i think he’s pretty good at recognizing that. he’s extremely attentive to you and always makes sure ur comfortable.

Y is for Yearning (How much do they miss their s/o when they’re gone?)

between mr beast and all the work that he does it usually hits him when he finally gets home to relax and ur not there :( he does get really upset and a little needy about it but he tries his best to just focus on the stuff he needs to get done so he doesn’t miss you too much.

Z is for Zebra (What kind of pet would they want with their s/o?)

a brown cat named Cornelius 😎

@themanifoldenjoyer @fantasy-innit @k-l-a-w-s @joyfullymulti

#mcyt headcanons #mcyt preferences #mcyt x reader #mcyt fanfiction #karl jacobs x y/n #karl jacobs x you #karl jacobs fanfic #karl jacobs preferences #karl jacobs headcanons #karl jacobs x reader #arias 1st event !!

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gojology · 3 years

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Ringpops.

back to homepage pairing : gojo x gender neutral reader warnings : cursing, fluff. wordcount : 1688 a/n : i am so sorry for posting this late LOL, i’ve had a splitting headache all day and on top of that i had to make a buncha visually appealing aesthetic stuff for this so my poor brain is fried. welcome all new followers :) also this was rushed as usual... haha ████████████████ 100% Complete. Enjoy your game.

Valentines Day with Gojo was usually chaotic, but you didn’t blame him, it was apart of his personality after all. He didn’t take you to any particular establishment, really. You were curled up in your bed, exhausted from a long day of baking goods, watching sappy love movies, and overall shenanigans. You didn’t particularly mind this though, a soft lazy breeze preventing you from overheating, you sigh in relief. It’s like the weather knew exactly what you needed for a relaxing evening. Although, today seemed rather unusual. For the many years that you’ve dated Satoru, he never, ever dressed up. Usually he rolled out of bed, naked. A pair of grey sweatpants replaced what was usually his uniform pants. Just enough for you to see the start of his happy trail, in other words, a fruitful attempt of teasing you. He knew that he was attractive, and you didn’t mind fueling his ego. A toned body, almost like he had been specially picked by some divine being and gifted with society’s standards. But he had actually picked out an outfit for this particular Valentines Day, which you admitted was nice, but you also didn’t mind licking your lips at such a delicious physique. On the rare occasions that he picked out outfits, it wouldn’t be visually appealing, the guy only wore his work uniform or a casual t-shirt and a pair of shorts, or sweatpants. Yet, today? Weirdly different. Clad in a dark blue cashmere crewneck sweater paired with black jeans, he nervously picked at the clothing, fidgeting. You guessed he had gotten some fashion advice from one of his friends, as you also realized it was... Somewhat trendy. Chains dangling from his neck, a few from his pants as well, a designer belt... You had wondered who it was that was so gracious enough to make him hotter then he already was. The air of his usual carefree personality was gone, which was one of your favorite parts about him, and he had insisted this morning to take you to an actual diner, which you rejected. As soon as you turned your back to grab some more sugar, he pulled you back, hand on your shoulder. A determined look on his face that you could see even through his circular shades, clearing his throat. “Hey- just to be sure, pumpkin... You’re not denying because you think I’m poor or some shit like that, right? I’m financially stable as all hell, and I’ll buy you anything you set your eyes on, seriously. I need to spoil you sometimes, okay?” He spoke with a tone of nervousness, and you cocked your head to look at him, eyebrow slightly raised. “What’s with you today, babe? You never do this sorta shit.” Seemingly taken aback, he looked at you for a few seconds, unblinking. Wondering if it went one ear out the other, you’re about to repeat yourself before he shoves a hand on your mouth. “I just wanna try something new, that’s all. Carry on, sweets. Need more M&M’s? I can drive to the store and get them..” kissing your exposed neck a few times, suckling at the flesh, he snickered as you gasped, and that was the end of that. ‧₊˚✩彡. The thought never completely disappeared from your mind, instead it ran rampant. You were curious, after all. Why would perhaps the chillest and funniest guy you knew, be so scared and nerve-wrecked? “Hey, hey~!” you hear a familiar voice ring out, and you pick up your head from his pillow that you were laying on, adjusting your eyes so you could drink in his beauty fully. He wasn’t completely in the room, his head was poking out of the door just barely. “Finally, what were you doing? Took you a few years to come home.” casually getting up from your previous position, you hug your pillow, patiently waiting for his next sentence. “Ah... Uh, nothing. Don’t worry about it.” he shuffled closer into the room, but he never quite came into view, the atmosphere of awkwardness was growing. Rolling your eyes, you giggle, desperate to have the mood be carefree yet again. “You suck at hiding shit, come on, lemme see, what’d you get me?” “It was supposed to be a surprise!” he said, exasperated, but he does it anyways. A beautiful scent of roses wafted throughout the room, a trail of spare rose petals danced down as he strode over to the bed, a playful grin on his lips. You cover your mouth with your hands, squealing. “Satoru! These are so pretty!” you ecstatically grab at the bouquet, the crinkling of the plastic music to your ears. You sniffed at the roses, pleasantly surprised at just how sweet they smelled. Vibrant hues of pinks and reds, small and large, a loose ribbon holding the bouquet together. Your smile is so wide, you struggle to hide it. “Glad you like them, honey.” he grinned, taking his shades off and placing them on his nightstand. “Hold on tight, more to come, love.” He takes a quick jog to the hallway leading to you two’s room, quickly getting out of view. Coming back just 20 seconds later, a teddybear half the size of him now limp in his hands, another ribbon around the teddybear’s neck. “For you, my sweet.” he sings, setting the plush down onto the covers. You look at the teddybear, staring at you with beady eyes, and back up at Gojo. “But babe, you’re my teddybear.” you cooed, hoping to get some sort of reaction out of him. You see his facial features soften, before he immediately plants a sloppy kiss on your forehead, “Wouldn’t hurt to have another one, would it?” You nod your head in agreement. The chill aura seemed to vanish into thin air as soon as you nod, the silence was almost deafening. He stared at you, and you stared back, you hear your heart steadily pound in your chest. Usually he would make some sort of joke right now and then, but he seemed unusually serious, to the point where you’d be concerned. “You’ve been acting weird all day, are you okay?-” you ask, but you’re immediately cut off. Gojo gets on one knee, and your heart races and you swear you see the light, playing with the hem of his jean pockets before pulling some sort of wrapper out. A wrapper? It’s a Ringpop, two flavors. Blue raspberry and watermelon, he hastily places the blue raspberry one into his pocket again, cursing as he struggled to do so, before finally repositioning. “Will you marry me, (Y/N)?” It takes a moment to register into your brain, for one, he was proposing with a Ringpop, but you guess that’s like him, his love of candy was absurd- but a Ringpop of all things? You feel your face fall, and you hope he doesn’t realize. The thought was good, but it felt strangely.. Tacky, in some ways. Nonetheless, your heart is still pounding rapidly inside of you, and you’re sweating bullets now. Skin burning to the touch, you look at him, heavily breathing. “Yes, oh my God, yes.” is all you can breathe out. His solemn face was now beaming, eyes bright and twinkling. He seems to scoff, like he doesn’t quite believe that you said yes to such a request, but he doesn’t want to give it another thought. Immediately diving headfirst into your face, your lips touch, and even though you had kissed him about a thousand times today, you still returned just as much passion. You felt like your whole body was about to give out, wobbling as he placed the Ringpop onto the covers. Forgotten, it sat idly, but you didn’t care, and nor did Gojo. Hand now at the back of your neck, the other on your hip, the sound of sloppy kisses filled the otherwise calm room. They were strangely chaste, nothing sexual about them, yet they felt so fulfilling you wonder how he does it. He was unusually good at kissing, but you don’t want to tell him that- the egotistical bastard. He pulls away from the kiss, and you whine, pulling at the collar of his sweater to come back- to please you- but he pays no mind to you. Instead, he rips open the wrapper, throwing it to the ground, pulling up your limp arm. With a confident toothy smile on his face, he slipped the translucent pink plastic ring onto your left middle finger. “That’s my middle.” you say, struggling to stifle your giggle. Who cared about getting a Ringpop? It was the thought that counted, right? You still felt horrible, for whatever reason. “I know that.” he doesn’t say it directly to your face, instead shuffling in his pockets once more, before he whips out what looks like a black cube. This time, you recognize an expensive label on it, a miniature velvety black box. “I just.. Wanted to make sure you were committed, and that you didn’t want me for my money or some bullshit like that.” he grinned, opening the box, he doesn’t give you a moment to eye it, instead plucking it out and slipping it onto your ring finger. Only then could you look at it, and you cover your mouth once more, tears beginning to form at the corner of your eyes. It was beautiful, truly, and you couldn’t explain it’s beauty with words. Glimmering diamonds, alongside a beautiful silvery frame- it was perfect. “...Do you like it?” he asks, once again an air of nervousness. Unable to speak, you hug him instead, now full on bawling. He laughs, rubbing your back, giving you another neck kiss. “Holy shit, you’re so cute, pumpkin. Or should I say, soon to be spouse?” he cooed. “Shut up.” you say, still sniffling, snot running down your nose. He chuckles dryly once again, wiping your tears away with his thumb. “If you’re not gonna eat that Ringpop, can I?” “Zip it, can’t you see I’m crying, dummy?” you respond, still ugly crying. It was the best Valentines day you had ever experienced, and nothing could quite conquer it.

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amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines · 3 years

Text

Sweet Pea and Fangs//Mission Accomplished

Request: If you're busy you can ignore this. I really like your poly! Fangs and Sweet Pea and I was wondering if you could do another one. Maybe about what being a family with them would be like. (You know like what kind of fathers would they be.) Thanks!

hey!! this was super cute to write! i hope you like it!

- Okay, so lets just say right now

- They would be the best dads in the world

- And you can bet that they both have mugs with ‘best dad in the world’ written on them

- Which they of course use literally every day

- So much so, that you have to replace them every couple of months

- Usually because Sweet Pea puts his down on a table to aggressively

- Or because Fangs doesn’t stir coffee, he bashes the spoon from side to side until he breaks the mug, the spoon, and occasionally himself.

- Anyway

- So lets say you got pregnant at like 24/25ish

- All three of you had moved out of Riverdale

- Because I mean lets be real, its not the safest place to start a family

- With the murderers and the cults and the gangs and literally everything else

- Plus, it had been Sweet Pea and Fangs’ dream to get out of the southside and riverdale and to have a better life than their parents did

- So all three of you have stable jobs that you love

- And a cute little apartment

- Filled with photos of the three of you

- And so many memories of your life together

- Including some random dog statue that Fangs found in the skip behind the apartment complex

- To this day you and Sweet Pea have no idea why he was there in the first place

- But you think the scratches on his hands, face and neck had something to do with it

- And so many plants

- So basically you’re parents already...right?

- Anywayyyyyy

- So, you guys were doing pretty good

- Vey, very happy together

- And you’d just come back from visiting Toni and Cheryl and their new baby girl

- Who is adorable by the way

- So you’d be chilling at home

- You and Sweet Pea watching something on Netflix

- While Fangs cooks dinner (its his turn and he’s the best cook)

- And you’d notice Sweet Pea and Fangs exchanging looks

- So you’d be suspicious

- And eventually, after the two of them giving each other very odd looks all throughout dinner, you’ve had enough.

- ‘okay. what’s going on?’

- ‘we wanna have a baby’ Fangs would blurt out and you and Sweet Pea’s eyes would both go wide.

- ‘what?’ you’d look between the two of them

- Fangs is pushing the last bit of food around the plate

- Sweet Pea is refusing to make eye contact with either of you, finding the ceiling fascinating

- While you’re tapping your foot against the floor

- ‘hello? anyone care to expand?’

- And Sweet Pea would sigh, and tear his gaze from the ceiling, settling on you.

- ‘fine. we’ve both been thinking about it for a whil-’

- ‘and then we went to see toni and cheryl and their kid is so cute and they look so happy and we want to start a family with you’ Fangs would interrupt.

- Of course you’d also thought about having kids.

- Sweet Pea and Fangs are the love of your life

- They’re who you want to spend the rest of your life with

- Plus you’ve been dating since you were like 16, so it makes sense

- But it was difficult enough for Toni and Cheryl to have a baby

- This is going to be complicated

- Both of them will obviously be this kids dad...

- But what if when its born the other gets jealous?

- What if they feel like they’re not properly apart of it?

- Would you even find out who the biological dad was?

- Or would you just leave it?

- What about when the kid is older?

- There’s already enough stigma about kids having two moms or two dads

- What about one with two dads and one mom?

- So, you’d all sit down after dinner and talk about everything

- The possible problems

- How you would raise it

- If you’re all ready

- And you’d finally figure it out

- Well, the best that you could anyway

- But in the end you’d figured that you’d all be alright because you had each other

- So then the fun bit ;)

- You’d be trying for a few months

- Much to the happiness of Fangs and Sweet Pea

- They weren’t complaining

- And then when you do get pregnant

- Holy fuck are they happy

- Like literally jumping around, hugging each other, hugging you

- They’re literally the happiest people ever

- The first thing they do is call Toni

- Because well, they have to tell their best friend that she’s going to be an aunt.

- And a few minutes later, Cheryl texts you a video of Toni on the phone, jumping up and down as they tell her.

- Anyway, so once they’ve calmed down they instantly go into protective mode.

- Like

- ‘oh, sit down. standing up is not good for the baby.’

- ‘what?’

- ‘do you need a drink? food? a nap? a hug?’

- ‘i’m good’

- And you think this is just going to last for a few days

- But no

- This continues all through the pregnancy

- And afterwards tbh

- They are so protective

- You always sleep in the middle so they can both keep you two safe

- Even if it is a nightmare when you need to pee

- Fangs did suggest a bucket by the bed but you and Sweet Pea both agreed that was too far

- They go to all the scans

- And cry

- Every. Single. Time

- Sweet Pea’s suggests going to the baby classes

- Even though you’re kind of unsure of what people will say

- But you go

- And its surprisingly, okay

- You get a few strange looks

- But who the hell cares

- And Sweet Pea and Fangs both have their own little notebooks that they’re furiously scribbling notes in

- And they always take turns to practice on the fake babies

- Plus, before you all go to bed the three of you will read baby books, occasionally swapping them every so often.

- ‘did you know that new-borns are short sighted’

- ‘ha, four eyed loser’

- ‘i’m sorry. how old are you sweet pea?’

- So they’re just the sweetest

- And every time they come back from work they aways have something for the baby

- Literally. Every. Time

- No matter what.

- ‘how many shoes do you think this baby is going to need?’

- ‘i don’t even think babies need shoes, at least not for the first few months’

- ‘no baby needs this many leather jackets.’

- ‘yeah, but its got a snake on the back! how could i just leave it there?’

- ‘where did you find a leather jacket for a baby with a snake on the back?’

- ‘...the serpents made it for us.’

- And they buy the most weird stuff

- Like you’re getting amazon packages every other day

- The neighbors think you guys are doing something illegal

- Sweet Pea buys a baby grow that has labels for where the arms and legs go

- And when you ask him why

- ‘its for fangs. i’m just helping him out’

- So in retaliation, Fangs buys one with instructions of where to feed the baby and where to change it

- Also this doesn’t stop when your baby is born, they’re still buying stupid t-shirts with stupid slogans on well into its 20s

- Your favourite thing they’ve bought is definitely the fake tattoo sleeve

- So, you’re keeping the gender a surprise

- Because who cares

- So you’re going for like a yellow or gray nursery

- And Sweet Pea and Fangs are insisting on doing it all them selves

- The painting

- The furniture

- The little accessories

- Everything

- Needless to say you hear a huge crash within five minutes of them starting

- So you do it together instead

- You start painting while they put the crib together

- There’s some left over screws at the end but they decide against telling you that

- It looks stable enough

- And just to make sure, Fangs tested it out...and got stuck

- They make sure to take tons of pictures throughout the entire pregnancy

- Much to your annoyance

- ‘I’ve just thrown up for the third time in five minutes...stop taking my damn picture.’

- ‘i want to capture every moment’

- ‘why!?!?’

- But you love the majority of them

- There’s some of you by yourself

- Some of them with you and one of them

- Others with the three of you together

- Both of them looking at you like you’re their entire world

- (which you are)

- And there’s a few pictures of just the two of them with fake pregnancy bellies on, in the style of a professional photo shoot

- Another late night Amazon purchase

- Which when you opened you were...confused to say the least.

- When you’re nearing your due date they make sure at least one person is with you at all times, just in case you go into labour

- And that works, until the day you actually go into labour and you’re alone

- Fangs is at work and Sweet Pea had to run to the store to get ice cream and snacks

- And then it happens

- You’re panicking but trying not to, but its not working

- Sweet Pea comes back and then he sees your panicked face and he drops the food and almost himself to be honest

- He’s running around trying to find your bag and his bag and Fangs’ bag

- And you’re trying to ring Fangs but he’s not answering

- Sweet Pea eventually gets through to him when you guys get the hospital and you can hear Fangs screaming down the phone

- He makes it there in five minutes, even though he works at least fifteen minutes away

- They’re on either side of you

- Both panting and telling you to breathe

- Basically they are being ridiculous

- And very unhelpful

- Especially when the breathing is mainly to calm themselves down

- And then Sweet Pea gets distracted, blows a rubber glove up and it pop’s

- And to be honest the fright it gave you, you thought you’d given birth

- But when its time for you to start pushing they’re right next to

- Holding your hands

- Saying so many nice things

- Being so sweet and supportive

- And they also take a moment to hug each other while they watch

- Like they’re crying

- At one point Fangs just screams

- ‘i told you not to look down there’ Sweet pea scolds

- ‘does it go back to normal?’ Fangs would ask

- ‘god, i hope so’ You’d groan in pain

- But then your daughter is born and they’re smitten

- This tiny little life is theirs

- And it relies on them for everything

- And they’re so proud of you

- Literally they’re heart is going to burst with love and pride for you

- They love her so much

- And instantly take their roles very seriously

- The first night they let you sleep because well you’ve just given birth, you need a rest

- And it gives them a chance to bond

- They take turns holding her

- And feeding her

- And just talking to her

- ‘we’re you’re dads’ Fangs would whisper

- ‘i’m sweet pea. nice to meet you.’

- ‘what are you doing?’

- ‘introducing myself. i have to make a good impression, and we need to teach her manners’

- ‘shit, you’re right. hello, i’m fangs, your other dad...do i like, shake her hand?’

- ‘hmmm, yeah. i think she’s too young for a high-five’

- ‘thats your mom over there. she’s asleep at the minute so we have to be really quiet, but she loves you so much...and so do we. you’re our entire world’

- They’re so gentle with her

- And with you

- When you get home, the three of you show her around her new home

- And show her all the pictures on the walls, explaining the memories behind each of them

- You also make sure to introduce her to her siblings (the houseplants)

- When she’s a little older Sweet Pea starts teaching her how to defend herself

- ‘she’s three sweet pea, she doesn’t need to know how to karate chop someone’

- ‘yes she does. i’m always going to be around to keep her safe...but just in case. which reminds me, do you know how to karate chop someone?’

- Fangs teaches her how to cook

- Like she knows everything by the times she’s 10

- Both of them teach her stupid (and sometimes inappropriate) jokes

- Out of the two of them, Fangs is usually the one to tell her off

- Actually, its you...you’re the one to tell her off if she’s done something wrong because they both can’t bring themselves to shout at her

- Its difficult for you too (so its a blessing that she’s actually pretty well behaved, unlike all three of her parents)

- Fangs is definitely the most over protective

- He follows her around when she starts to crawl, literally if she moves a centimeter, he’s up and following her around.

- Sweet Pea is always the one to cheer her up when she’s sad

- And you’re the one she always goes to when she’s hurt herself or if she just needs a hug

- She loves all of you so much

- And you love her

- They still insist of taking pictures of literally every moment

- It actually increases after she’s born

- You really don’t know how thats possible

- Even she gets annoyed at it

- ‘really dad? another one??’

- ‘hey! when all three of us are dead and buried you’re going to look back at these and wish we’d taken more’

- They make it their life mission to teach her every single thing they know about the world

- And all three of you make it your life mission to make sure she knows how loved she is

- Which you definitely accomplished

#sweet pea #fangs #fangs fogarty #sweet pea imagine #sweet pea x reader #sweet pea x you #sweet pea x y/n #fangs imagine #fangs x reader #fangs x you #fangs fogarty imagine #fangs fogarty x reader #fangs fogarty x you #riverdale #riverdale imagine #sweet pea x fangs #sweet pea x fangs x reader #fangs x reader x sweet pea

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url-is-url · 3 years

Note

Can you please talk more about valerie red huntress symbiote au ? Just general thoughts on how it would work ? I know barely anything about Venom but imagine valerie would get the symbiote from Axion Labs.

OH GOD OH NO OH GOD OH NO I DIDN'T MEAN FOR THIS TO BE AN AU I JUST WANTED TO DUNK ON BUTCH HARTMAN AND HIS PLAGIARIZING HABIT AND MY VENOM OBSESSION

First of all: I will be referring to the symbiote as Venom, a la movie canon, because I have a deep and passionate loathing for the past three years of Venom comic canon, do not get me started on this because I will not be able to stop.

Okay firstly: YES Venom totally comes from Axion Labs. I have not watched Danny Phantom since it was actually airing so I'm definitely checking the ole wiki as I write this but apparently Axion Labs was its own thing and then VladCo bought it? Idk how Venom got to Axion Labs, but it got there and the scientists were like "idk wtf to do with this" and just sorta. Put it in a drawer with a label that says "weird space goo" and forgot about it. (That is VERY MUCH a thing that happens in science labs you would not BELIEVE the shit you can run into if you start poking around old storage objects in labs.) And then VladCo buys Axion, and Intern Valerie is helping organize things and she finds the jar of lost space goo. Idk what happens after that; maybe she determines it's some flavor of alive and passes it to Vlad under the assumption that it's a Weird Space Ghost, maybe she drops it and Venom escapes and bonds with her. I don't know, the details of how they get together aren't important IMO, the important part is the interactions between symbiote and host.

Valerie is still in high school and this is very important to me. Depending on what you do and don't consider canon, Venom is between several thousand and six hundred million years old. Depending on what you do and don't consider canon, Venom has BEEN TO EARTH BEFORE! I am of the opinion that Venom is actually extremely knowledgeable about physics and chemistry and other like, not-Earth-specific things, because they're old as balls. So imagine you're in high school and you're in AP World learning about the Vikings, and you hear this bass-ass voice in your head go actually it wasn't like that at all and suddenly you're RELIVING some other creature's memories of fighting Vikings. Or you're in high school and you're in biology watching a video about octopus camouflage and this voice in your head goes we can do that too and your arm turns "invisible". Imagine you're on your period and you ran out of Advil and you think to yourself "I swear to god if this lunch line doesn't move faster I'm gonna eat the kid in front of me" and the voice in your head goes no, eat the one behind you, he looks juicier LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

Valerie and Venom get together way after Danny becomes Phantom. So Valerie has this huge crush on Danny, but then she also hates Phantom's guts. Venom has senses that humans don't so they can tell that Fenton is Phantom, and Venom regrets their life choices re:bonding with a human, because oh no, these bald apes are so fucking stupid. Every day Venom considers informing Valerie about the secret identity thing. Every day Venom remembers that Phantom's ghostly wail is extremely deadly to them specifically. Every day Venom does not tell Valerie about the secret identity thing.

Most of town is probably at least a little convinced that the huntress is some sort of weirdass ghost, because humans aren't that big. I headcanon Valerie as being short but muscular as hell, around 5'4". Venomized Valerie? Pushing 7' and built like Athena. People assuming she's a weirdass ghost pisses Valerie off SO MUCH, and it pisses Venom off too though for different reasons (I AM TAKING VERY GOOD CARE OF MY HOST SHE IS ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ALIVE I AM INSULTED BY YOUR INSINUATIONS THAT SHE IS IN ANY WAY DECEASED)

Oh hey wait, if Venom can tell the Dannys are the same person, Venom can also tell that the Vlads are the same person. Vlad has never demonstrated anything along the lines of a ghostly wail, so his secret identity is NOT safe and Venom tells Valerie what's what. Valerie is so disturbed, but then she decides to give Vlad the Homophobic Rich Grandpa treatment and pretends to go along with what he wants so she can get that sweet sweet tech, then she turns right around and does whatever she wants when he's not looking. Maybe Venom (as in the big lady) and Red Huntress are assumed to be two different people because Valerie works for Vlad as Red but then does her own stuff as Venom?

Carnage. Oh god, Carnage. So, the Carnage symbiote (often referred to as Red, I love a coinkydink) is Venom's offspring. In the comics, it is possible for a host to experience sympathetic morning sickness and shit in advance of the symbiote spawning. Please imagine you're in high school in a small town, and you are nauseous as fuck and having weird dreams and cannot eat enough chocolate (chocolate is a good source of phenylthylamine, which is a neurotransmitter that symbiotes need to eat) and one of your shitty high school friends goes "omg are you PREGNANT" and you know that whatever you say, everybody in the universe is gonna hear it. You've never had sex in your life but you still have a moment of panic like OH GOD AM I THE NEXT VIRGIN MARY SHIT and then your body roommate is like actually, this one's on me. DO YOU LOSE YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN MIND OR DO YOU LOSE YOUR WHOLE GODDAMN MIND. "wait Venom I thought you were a guy" "why would you think that i have a concept of gender" "...your voice is deep?" "humans are so fucking stupid"

The big weaknesses of symbiotes are fire and certain frequencies of sound. Venom is scared shitless of Ember McClain, send tweet.

There's a re-appearing ghost who hosted Venom when they were alive. This could be a canon character or an OC. Either way, the interactions maximally play up the "awkward ex" thing.

A better source of the phenylthylamine Venom needs to live is BRAINS. This is now a ghost hunger AU also and Valerie catches Phantom noshing on like, a ghost deer or something. Cue Venom SEE IF HE CAN DO IT WHY CAN'T WE

Hey Venom's an alien who is old as balls, it's called the INFINITE REALMS, there's probably LOTS of alien ghosts with opinions about symbiotes

One day Phantom gets hurt really badly and Valerie feels bad enough to go save his ass (if only because the only person that gets to kill Phantom is HER tyvm). Venom is very Exasperated Parent about all of these fool human children so they just. Pick him up by the scruff like a disgruntled kitten and drag him to safety.

Venom has a very, very low opinion of the Doctors Fenton. Venom knows one (1) thing about humans and that is Protecc The Children and these morons are continuously shooting at their own child. The only reason Venom has not eaten them is because a) Valerie insists that humans are off menu and b) Danny's ghostly wail is scary. Also the only competent ghost hunters in this town seem to be Sam, Tucker, Danny, Jazz, and Valerie. Valerie why are the only competent people in this town children. "i wish i FUCKIN KNEW"

I'm now headcanoning that Valerie has a Very Southern grandma or auntie just to have an excuse for Venom to learn Very Southern expressions. Please imagine doing something stupid and the alien that lives in your brain stem just goes "oh bless your heart". Please imagine that some asshole yoinked the whole town into the Ghost Zone again and the alien that lives in your brain stem is like "dear jesus give me patience" I just think that would be funny.

#please don't ask me to talk about venom i will not be able to stop a;lskdjfsa;lkdfj

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ghost-light · 3 years

Text

we rot, thinkin' lots about nothing

My contribution for Pride Day of @willieappreciationweek!!!

Summary:

Their gender- hm.

It was sort of like gender envy. Except remove the envy part. Because sure, ghosts could have gender. But it wasn’t really the gender he wanted. Stuck with it. Just like they were stuck in the afterlife, if you could call ghosthood an afterlife.

Read it under the cut or on ao3

To be fair, ghosts had never really needed a specific gender.

They still didn’t, at least not by any standards or official rules (spoiler alert; that’s because there were no definitive rules. The closest ones Willie had ever known to be rules were smashed to smithereens by Caleb Covington and Alex's band).

So when Julie asked if they wanted a pride flag or pin, it threw him off. When Julie showed them some pictures of pride flags for different gender identities, it threw them off. Hence the mini-spiral of skateboarding and maybe avoiding a certain band of ghosts and their lead singer.

It wasn’t hiding, per se. Willie Williamson Ortega didn’t hide. There was nothing to hide from, anyways. And yet, here he was, skating the day away, stuck in their own head with a problem that wouldn’t resolve itself.

He never had a label before. They were just a gay skater in the 80’s. He was just Willie, or William, to Caleb.

It didn’t feel quite right anymore.

The thing was, Willie's gender just was. They were a ghost. Couldn’t that be their gender?

(Agender, Flynn had suggested. Not having a particular gender. But that wasn’t quite right. He did have a gender. Probably.)

Willie tried explaining it to Alex, because he was a ghost too, right? Except… not quite in the sense that Willie was. Alex tried, he really did. But seeing the blonde’s encouraging but confused smile, and the way Alex’s eyebrows furrowed with intense concentration sank Willie’s spirits.

Flynn was a little more understanding. But they had found a label, was comfortable calling herself a demigirl lesbian. Demiboy and gay felt- close. Maybe. He hadn’t thought about these things so urgently before, hadn’t been able to find people that could truly get the situation. After seeing his look of distress, and the way their hands repeatedly combed through their hair, Flynn’s face softened. They put down their phone, still keeping a half-casual air. Adjusted their hat (where did Flynn get so many hats?).

“You know,” she paused. Exhaled slowly. “You know, gender is more like a concept. Like- my gender is basically a lesbian, yeah? It doesn’t make sense, but it makes sense to me. Some people call it a performance, but the point is that it shouldn’t define you. If you don’t find a label that you like, who cares, dude? If anyone gives you crap for it, hit them with your skateboard.”

The last line startled a laugh out of Willie, their shoulders relaxing ever so slightly. “I, uh, yeah. I’ll keep that in mind. You’re-you’re pretty great at this stuff.”

Flynn smirked, tilting their head to the side. “I know. Now go get ready for your,” she wiggled her eyebrows a bit, “date with blondie. And I am off to catch my demon of a girlfriend’s dance rehearsal.” Their eyes sparked at the word “girlfriend”, and Willie couldn’t help but grin back.

“Not a date!” he called out. “Not- it’s not a date. It’s just movie night with Alex. And Luke and Reggie and Julie. See? Not a date.” Willie was fumbling with their words, meaning he was probably blushing hard too.

“Mhmm.” Flynn looked bemused, shaking her head a little. “Have fun on your not-a-date-ghost-party-plus-my-best-friend then, skater boy.”

—

Okay, so Flynn had been helpful. That wouldn’t explain why Willie still felt lost, though considerably less so than before.

Their gender- hm.

So gender envy without the envy. And it was still unclear if “ghost” was a real-enough gender, or if Willie was making it all up. So that took away from the metaphor quite a bit. Gender envy, but without the envy. Oh, and scrap the gender too. Nice metaphor, Ortega. You’re really making progress here.

It’s ok. Everything’s fine. Willie isn’t the least bit concerned. He didn’t need a label, honestly. So why did they feel like they needed one so badly? Nobody was going to care, Julie certainly wouldn’t mind regardless of the answer she got. (If Willie was being honest, it wasn’t really about Julie.)

Didn’t Willie figure this out when they were alive? Skaters didn’t need a gender. Skating was what defined them, not a gender identity label or their sexuality. Skating was the one thing that made them feel free and alive. And then they died, of course. That didn’t mean they couldn’t still skate, though. And yes, maybe he couldn’t really feel the wind in their hair as he rushed down Hollywood Boulevard, and as much fun as phasing straight through lifers was, it did only emphasize the fact that he was a ghost. Not real.

If Willie themself wasn’t real, then why should their gender have to be real? It was barely a significant part of them, anyways.

In all seriousness, he did have an idea of why Julie’s simple question was affecting them so much. Nobody had ever asked them that before. For years, decades, Willie had simply. Been. Willie Williamson Ortega, ghost skater at the Hollywood Ghost Club.

It hadn’t occurred to him just how much they didn’t feel like a person during that time. Skating was wonderful, of course. Their only true escape from the strange hodge-podge of Caleb’s talent show. It was Caleb that was the problem, Caleb that had been leeching off Willie’s being the whole time.

And then, he was alive again. Willie, that was. Not Caleb. Alex brought Willie back to life, and wasn’t that just ironic? Because Willie was so, so alive in ways that they had never been before. And all while he was dead, to top it off.

And the craziest part about it was-

And then their board rammed into someone, sending both parties to the ground in a groaning heap.

“Ah damn, I am so sorry, I- Reggie??” This was great. Another one of the band members that they ran over with a skateboard. Alex was never going to let him live this down. At least they weren’t obsessing more over the board than the person. (Although, Willie had done a quick check of his board, which seemed unharmed.)

“Man, I just wanted to go for a walk, not get turned into roadkill,” Reggie laughed, sitting up cautiously.

“I’m so sorry dude, I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention. Honestly, I was kinda having a minor afterlife crisis, as Alex would say.” He doesn’t know why he said that, doesn’t know what it is about Reggie that made them suddenly willing to stick around instead of apologize and skate off.

“Minor afterlife crisis, huh?” Reggie raised their eyebrows, hands propped up on his knees. “I mean, the afterlife is weird. Luke poofed my shirt away the first time we teleported! And Alex still gets wedgies, even though all our clothes are made of air!” Willie glanced at him, checking if he was serious or not. It was hard to tell, with Reggie’s earnest-puppy-dog confused face.

Willie inhaled deeply, sighing as they sat down. “Yeah. You know, I don’t think I’ve felt this alive, with Alex and you guys and Julie, since like, I died. And then Julie was asking about pride, and I can’t quite figure out what my gender identity is. It’s kinda…” His voice trailed off, unsure of what to say.

“Like you just are, but in a different way than everyone else.” Reggie murmured, eyes downcast.

Willie’s eyes snapped to Reggie. “Yeah! Exactly. You know that feeling? Because you just are, but nobody can understand that. I’m alive like I haven’t been in forever, and I can’t. Can’t put a name to myself anymore.”

Reggie nodded enthusiastically. “Luke keeps saying that maybe I’m like him. But I think he’s wrong. I used to wear skirts to our band performances. They were just fun to stomp and jump around on stage with. Nobody asks me, but if they did, I would say my gender’s like that. I’ll do it if it makes me feel good, but not because of labels.”

It was as simple as that. Willie took a breath, felt it sink into his bones and settle there. Simple. As. That. They’d been so busy worrying over finding a proper label. And truly, it wasn’t such a big deal.

Beside them, Reggie was still talking. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’re ghosts. We can pretty much do anything. Skating makes you feel more you, right? You say that a lot. Skateboarding, that’s enough to be an identity, gender or not. My sister used to say, when our parents would get mad at me for wearing skirts or makeup, that it didn’t matter. Because I would always be me, you know?”

“Yeah. Yeah. I’m always going to be me. Thank you, Reggie. I think you solved my minor afterlife crisis for me.” Skateboarding is a part of me. I can be a skater. I can be a ghost. I don’t need any other labels than that.

Except maybe Alex’s boyfriend. Or spouse. No! Stop thinking that much ahead, you haven’t even asked him out yet, Ortega! Focus on right now.

“Nah, it was all you. You knew it, you just needed to hear it again.” They grinned, green eyes sparkling in light of the setting sun. Willie huffed out a laugh, offering a fist. Reggie tapped his fist against Willie’s, not hesitating for a moment.

—

When Alex met Willie’s gaze, all he could see was happiness.

“Everything okay?” He asked, already knowing the answer that would come.

“Yeah. Reggie helped me figure some things out. And I’m still me. Just Willie.” They smiled, reaching out for Alex’s hand.

“Well, Just Willie, I hope you’re ready for Friday movie night. Luke picked A New Hope,” he leaned in and stage whispered, “for the seven hundredth time.”

Luke protested from across the couch, standing up to make his point.

“It’s a good movie, but we’ve all memorized the script at this point, Lucas.” Alex shot back, squeezing Willie’s hand slightly.

Willie leaned back, eyes fond as he took in the scene. Luke and Alex bickering loudly over who had the better movie choices, Julie laughing, exasperated as she bent over to paint Reggie’s nails a pale purple.

Definitely the most alive they had felt in a long time.

#willie appreciation week #willie wilbur williamson #willie jatp #jatp #julie and the phantoms #my writing stuffs

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themalhambird · 3 years

Text

Growing Up Broken: I Talk About My (A)sexuality For 4 ¼ Pages.

I am asexual.

No, this doesn’t mean that I’m some form of plant budding off copies of myself if I get enough water and sunlight. It’s a shame. I could do a lot with multiple copies of myself- get someone else to do the dishes, the cleaning, my schoolwork…

I am asexual.

Asexuality is the absence of sexual desires or feelings for other people. I say absence deliberately: sexual attraction is not something that I lack or am missing. I am not going without. I’m just a 23 year old who has never once felt the desire to have sex with another person, who couldn’t describe how it feels to “fancy” someone if there was a gun to their head, who thinks women and men and anyone in between can sometimes be stunningly beautiful, would possibly be nice to cuddle- but kissing on the mouth seems like it would be a really weird thing to do.

I am asexual, and it’s almost Pride Month, and so I want to untangle some of the thoughts in my head and spin them out on to paper, to try and lay out my feelings about my sexuality, or lack thereof, and what it’s like growing up when no one bothers to tell you that not experiencing sexual desire like, ever, is a thing. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

It’s 2014. Puberty has doing stuff to me for the last two years or so: periods (urgh), breasts (neat!), underarm hair (why do I have to shave this? no one’s gonna see it), growth spurts (I’m getting taller than my older sister. I want to keep going till I’m taller than mum). The only thing not happening is wanting to have sex, something the nurse who came to Talk To Us All About Growing Up back in 2009 assured us Year Sixes would definitely happen as soon as puberty hit.

Still. It’ll happen soon, probably. Sixteen is still a bit too young to be having sexual feelings, right? The boys…really not interesting at all, but the other girls are pretty. I like their hair. I like the shape of their bodies. I just don’t fancy any of them. When we’re told to imagine our future husbands or wives in class (don’t ask my why, I’ve long forgotten the point of the exercise, I just remember that) I picture a wife.

(Lesbian is the first label I apply to myself. I stick it on tentatively- keep peeling it off my shirt and putting it back somewhere different like I’m not quite sure where it fits. It’s not wrong, necessarily. I’m just not certain it’s right. I like girls a whole lot better but I’m not saying I could never love a guy. I’m just not attracted to them. I’m not attracted to women, either- but I feel like I will be. When I’m old enough to feel that kind of thing. )

Sex Ed lessons are mortifying. We’re asked to list all the sexual terms we know on an A3 sheet of paper. I don’t know what half the things other people say mean- blowjob, 69, masturbate, porn . I don’t know how other people know these things either. We’re sixteen. It’s too young.

That summer I play Sebastian in an abridged version of Twelfth Night and it convinces me to take Drama at A-level, although I didn’t at GCSE. The drama classes teach me two things. First of all, I don’t like acting women. I prefer breeches rolls. I don’t know why. We’re talking about my asexuality, not my gender confusion, so let’s put a pin in that and move on to point two. My drama class teaches me that everyone my age is having sex, or wants to have sex, or is planning on having sex soon; sex is a constant, every class, every conversation. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. So apparently sixteen (seventeen) isn’t too young after all.

It’s like this. One day you wake up and you realise that everyone else is speaking a language you don’t understand. Suddenly, sexual feelings aren’t something that no one your age is having but you’ll all develop soon- it’s that sexual feelings are something that everybody your age is having apart from you. People your age are dating, kissing, fucking, and it’s not something you’re interested in doing, necessarily, but you still feel so horribly left out. Like you’re missing some kind of major milestone. You try not to let it bother you- you watch Buffy every Monday you get to see your dad. (You watch loss of virginity be portrayed as growing up). You read. (The books you pick up all involve love and love always seems to at least imply sex). You- google things. You google the words you didn’t understand in that sex ed class. You google “how to tell if you’re attracted to someone” in case there’s some secret signal your body sent you that you missed. You feel like you should know if you’ve ever felt sexual attraction but then maybe you’re just really, really dumb. Maybe there’s something wrong with you. The NHS website reckons that if you’ve got a low sex drive you ought to see a doctor. The girls in your drama class keep talking about boys and sex and sex and boys and you aren’t really interested in either of those things. You cling to the thought, lesbian and hope that when you get to university, you’ll stop being so repressed. Girls are pretty- but the ones at school are either your friends or kind of mean. Of course you don’t fancy anyone there. University. University will save you. (Boys are sometimes pretty too. There are boys at school whose personalities are nice enough- who are the type of man you wouldn’t mind dating one day maybe- but you can’t ever picture yourself having sex with one. Dicks seem weird and really not the kind of thing you’d want inside you. I mean for fuck’s sake- why? You can’t even get a tampon in.)

I don’t like looking back on this. Sixteen, seventeen year old me was starting to get pretty freaked out. I like looking back at the first year of uni even less, because if seventeen year old me was freaking out, eighteen year old me was buying alcohol. That’s how it goes, right? Sex and alcohol. You see it all the time on T.V. Fictional people get fictional drunk and fictional cheat while they’re on fictional breaks with their fictional partners. David Tennant is pretty. A man at work is handsome and more importantly intelligent, into Shakespeare, into good conversation. The label switches from lesbian to ‘bisexual but heavily skewed toward women’ and I cling to that as tightly as possible because after that, I’m out of options. It is impossible that I’m not feeling sexual attraction: the whole world screams about sexual fucking attraction all the fucking time, I’m obviously just too uptight, I obviously just need to relax-

I once drank a whole bottle of wine in what was essentially one go. I paused for breath, but that was about it- I don’t think I even bothered with a glass. My goal was to get myself drunk enough that I could feel sexual attraction. I thought that the best way to go about things- to finally ‘grow up’- would be to get super drunk, and then leave the flat and find someone who would screw me. I reasoned that I would enjoy it once I was doing it- after all, the whole world pushes sex as this wholly desirable thing for any normal adult to want, even need- so I would like it once I was doing it and then I would be fixed. Fortunately, drinking a whole bottle of wine when you’ve never had more than a single glass of champagne or a couple of glasses of rum and apple juice before in your life gets you past “lowered inhibitions” to “can’t walk straight or upright” very quickly. I got as far as the bathroom, threw up, a lot, and staggered back to my room. I woke up at 3 pm the next afternoon feeling stupid for drinking, and mad at myself for still being a virgin.

I had a lot of problems in my first year of university and not all of them were about my sexuality crisis. I was isolated, fairly friendless, and not really cut out for socialising with my housemates who were probably all lovely people, but I find new people painfully difficult and hiding away seemed easier. But the feeling that there was something broken inside me because I wasn’t experiencing what everything seemed to be telling me was one of the most vital parts of the human experience- sexual attraction to other people- contributed to my general feelings of self-loathing and disgust. I attempted to induce sexual desire in myself by drinking on several further occasions, although never quite to the same extent as the first time. I’m not sure whether this counts as self-harm, but it certainly wasn’t healthy.

I didn’t know asexuality was a thing.

I knew I wasn’t straight- I’d known that for a while. I learnt that I enjoyed reading, talking, even writing about sex, as long as it was sex between people who weren’t real, but fantasising about fictional characters having sex and fantasying about myself having sex are two very different things. The former happened fairly frequently. The latter didn’t happen once, and still never has. My second year at university was better than my first: I was living with friends, I was further away from campus which meant I had to walk more, which probably helped, I had also started to make several friends online with whom I could happily chat even when I wasn’t in the mood for ‘actual’ people. I used bisexual to describe myself because on the rare occasions I thought about romance, I couldn’t really see myself ruling out anyone who was willing to put up with me.

I’m not quite clear when I first heard the term ‘asexuality’. I became aware of it gradually. Someone I followed on Tumblr identified as ‘grey-ace’. Characters from my favourite fantasy series were being headcanoned as ‘asexual’. At some point I must have learnt properly what that meant.

It sometimes feels like there ought to have been a lightbulb moment- like I should have seen the word, seen the definition, and instantly seen myself. But it is very, very hard to delete the message- ‘sex is important- sex is what grown-ups do- sex is what you should want to do’ – that the world constantly sends to us: in advertising, in entertainment, in the conversations of a drama class that always circled back to that topic, to the detriment of the sole seventeen year old who wasn’t really bothered. To embrace asexuality seemed like I was giving up on trying to fix myself, on waiting for the right person to come and make everything better. On the potential of their being a right person. I can wrap my head around people having casual sex very easily. It’s romantic love without sexual desire that I’m scared won’t work- how am I supposed to know if it’s love without there also being physical attraction? No romance arc that I had ever seen was without an element of sexual tension. So, no lightbulb moment for me. No switch going off- “aha, at last, that’s what I am!”. Just a gradual thought washing across my mind every now and then, like the tide rushing up a patch of sand and drawing straight back, leaving only dampness to show where there had been a good half-inch of water only a moment ago.

I might be asexual?

And ‘I might’ becomes ‘I think I am’, and the tide starts coming in. ‘I think I am’ became ‘I am’ at some point or other.

I am asexual.

I find reassurance in knowing that there’s a word for what I am, for how I (do not) feel. I am asexual. Not broken, or damaged, or too uptight to properly feel, or too dumb to recognise what I do feel. I am asexual- I have an absence of any sexual desire for others and that’s perfectly okay. I might fall in love one day. I might not. I don’t know how you’re supposed to know if you have the capacity to fall in love before you find yourself doing it. It might be nice to have a wife. It would also be nice to have a cat. I could cope with it just being me, a cat, and good friends for the rest of my life. If I fall in love- if I am capable of falling in love- it will just mean I am asexual, but romantic, and I will have learnt something new about myself. The point is-

The point is, I am incredibly lucky that I stumbled across Asexuality before I got myself hurt trying to force something that wasn’t there. The point is, this world assumes that sexual desires are the norm, and maybe they are, but that just makes it all the more important that people know that they aren’t abnormal for not experiencing sexual desire. To all the people who need to hear it: You are not broken. You are not alone.

I’m not sure how to wrap this up. I feel like I should say something profound or something. But I think I’m just gonna leave it like this:

I am asexual. Asexuality is the absence of sexual desires or feelings for other people. I say absence deliberately: sexual attraction is not something that I lack or am missing. I am not going without. I’m just a 23 year old who has never once felt the desire to have sex with another person, who couldn’t describe how it feels to “fancy” someone if there was a gun to their head, who thinks women and men and anyone in between can sometimes be stunningly beautiful, and possibly be nice to cuddle- but kissing on the mouth seems like it would be a really weird thing to do. I am not broken. I am not ‘going through a phase’ or ‘looking for attention’ or ‘trying to be special’. Everyone’s special, fuck you. Knowing that I am not the only person to feel how I feel makes me feel like I’m standing on solid ground. May all people experiencing the same confusion and distress over their sexual orientation that I felt growing up find their way safely to the same solid ground: you are not broken. We’re not broken.

#asexuality #wow this got long #no i haven't proof read it i just wanted to get it off my chest #discussion of sex tw #alcohol tw #self harm tw #(mostly just in case I'm not sure if it counts or not)#I don't know what this is except a long winded account of growing up asexual when you don't know that's a thing and how you cope with that #or- y'know- don't cope with that #maybe someone else will find it helpful or relatable idk

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lemystical-puffle · 3 years

Text

My A3 Sexuality Headcanons that no one asked for!

[These won’t include Gender, only sexual orientation or lack thereof(is that a phrase?)]

Color coordination

Gay

Pan

Aro

Hetero

Sakuya Sakuma: Pansexual! He doesn’t have any preferences, honestly after his childhood he just wants someone who will love and accept him!

Masumi: Bisexual. I feel like he would love the director whether they be boy, girl, other, all, he just wants someone to give him attention, and that person just happened to be out beloved Izumi Tachibana.

Tsuzuru: okay this ones me projecting but whatever Aro/Ace Tsuzuru. He doesn’t feel romantic attraction, and instead just feels a family-brotherly kind of love towards his friends and fellow actors. He doesn’t really want to romantically be with someone, and yet instead just wants to be there for them when they need it and love them the same way he loves his family at home

Citron: Also pan!! But Pan-Romantic specifically. Citron literally just wants to love everyone ever because he’s just awesome like that, but won’t go pass kissing someone. It just makes him uncomfortable which is perfectly fine because he is Citron Lastname! But yeah, also no gender prefermance

Itaru: Bi with a male preference. I can’t really explain why I think this, I just do. Maybe because most of the woman he has ever shown interest in are his 2D anime waifus. Also I mean come on he totally had a whole thing for Lancelot he thinks knights are hot and that is so valid.

Chikage: he is a gay cabbage. Listen the only time he has said he liked a woman it was because he said they weren’t like his mom and I am just- I’m sorry I don’t trust that. This man is a gay, he is never had a boyfriend but he has definitely thought of hooking up with his boss for a raise, thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

Tenma: Also bi! Bi-Ace specifically. I wasn’t really sure where to put him because on one hand I feel like he has a lot of MLM energy but on the other hand his solo song so I just, bi. I feel like his gay awakening came when he played the token gay best friend in a romcom because gay actor erasure but Tenma didn’t really understand, but later he was in a scene where he was with his boyfriend who shows up for one second to remind the audience he’s a homosexual and Tenma was just: crap he’s not

Yuki: okay at first I didn’t know what to put for Yuki cause on one hand sexuality erasure Yuki has specifically said he likes girl and he defies stereotypes and stuff but on the other hand he never said he didn’t like boys so he’s bi with a female preference. I feel like Yuki is the kind of guy to just happen to fall in love with whoever and just go “oh crap did I just fall in love?” And while he likes girls more sometimes it just. Happens.

Muku: Surprise surprise he’s Pan! Muku totally reads shoujo manga with all sexualities and is very livid about good representation, will write a “negative review” (and in Muku terms that’s him being very polite, 4.5/5 stars and linking research resources) about how inaccurate a sexuality was portrayed. I feel like at first he just thought he was a very active ally and now he is just: “oh crap boys. And girls. And enbys. And genderfluids. And everyone.”

Misumi: Misumi is very homosexual, which at first he was sad about because homosexual has 2 o’s which are circles but then he realized he can just say gay but spell it like: G🔺Y so he got happy again. I feel like it was one of the reasons he was kicked out of his home, he just likes boys Jeez Ikaruga parents no rights. (I also Headcanon him as autistic but that’s not what this post is about).

Kazunari: In Kazunari Miyoshi’s world he never has to make a decision in his life and that includes sexuality. Show him a guy and a girl and tell him to pick one and he will simply overload until he picks the person who knows the most trivia on classical art or smthing. Kazunari just: adores everyone ever, and that’s okay! After a lot of internalized homophobia and fear, he was able to come out to first a small group of college friends and eventually felt comfortable with the label and was able to express it openly, now he wears it with pride!

Kumon: I really don’t have any explaining to go here, Kumon just feels gay to me. My head can’t wrap around him wanting to be intimate with a girl. I do think there was this big moment of him coming out to Juza and Juza just going “s’okay.” Then they hug and get ice cream

Banri: Banri is bisexual with a straight pride flag and a Juza Preference. Catch him at the straight pride parade telling “those Homo’s that they’re going to burn.” While making out with Juza against a wall. That’s canon I don’t take criticism

Juza: Also Gay, I feel like Kumon came out first and Juza did research and was like “oh me too.” And just thought about how he’s never actually liked a girl and thought boys were kinda pretty and oh crap Settsu slicked his hair back oh crap oh crap pretty men.

Taichi: Taichi is bisexual, with his preferences being as random as his hair. Except no weird 1/4 quarters going on. Idk where I was going with that analogy I’m sorry. Taichi just likes the humans and wants to go kiss kiss with them all, and then bring them along on his journey for fame and popularity!

Omi: Listen, Omi is the mother of Mankai, and as the mother he loves everyone unconditionally. He also totally wanted to kiss Nachi I’m sorry. I feel like Omi has a male preference, but only by a bit as he loves everyone! He is a good boy and brings all the snacks and water to the pride parades so his friends stay healthy :)

Sakyo: Sakyo is the straight~ supportive dad who doesn’t care if you’re gay straight bi pan anything as long as you pay your taxes. Was probably a little confused at first just because. Probably said “LGBT? Isn’t that a sandwich.” But he got informed did research and is now a huge ally! After more research he identifies specifically as graysexual/romantic as he feels rarely any romantic attraction at all unless under certain circumstances aka Izumi Tachibana. I akso think he suspected that Azami was LGBT for a bit before he came out so he wanted to do research so that Azami would feel comfortable coming out when he was ready. Also he can’t like, not support Sakoda (who I Headcanon as gay :) )

Azami: Azami is bi-aro. Sex? Nah he won’t even hold your hand before marriage, however he will love you no matter your gender. I also see him with a female preference just from his straight upbringing and it’s the title he feels most comfortable with after some internalized homophobia, especially with how his dad shamed him for liking makeup. He is still getting used to the LGBT community and I feel like he is still taking baby steps, learning about different identities and wanting to do all he can to support both himself and his fellow actors due to simply not knowing where to start. Don’t worry Azami take you’re time! There is no rush, you are trying to figure yourself out and we all love you so much for it, there is no shame in changing your mind later. We adore you all the same. (If you couldn’t tell, I wasn’t only talking to Azami. If you are still questioning yourself it is 100% okay, because honestly I am too. There is no rush to figure yourself out, and I hope you know that we are all here for you!)

Tsumugi: Tsumugi is gay, but I feel like he also had a lot of internalized homophobia. I feel like when he was younger he really liked Tasuku but didn’t really understand the difference between platonic and romantic, and it took some time before he was able to really discover himself and come to the identity he has currently.

Tasuku: Tasuku is gay and homophobic.

Hisoka: Hisoka is homo-demi-romantic asexual. I feel like it won’t want to date anyone without really earning their trust and feeling safe around them, and after that point he still will be pretty shy romantically, but it is very much understandable and we all still love Hisoka

Homare: Homare is pan. He doesn’t really care about gender, he just wants someone who will love him and his poetry without seeing him as broken. I feel like after his last relationship he was hesitant to date again, but after some time and help from the rest of winter troupe he was able to rediscover himself. (Also autistic Homare go brrrr)

Azuma: Azuma is an old gay man who just thinks boobs are neat. That’s it that’s the post sent tweet turn off replies.

Guy: New color who this? This is because I didn’t know what to put for Guy, so he simply doesn’t identify as anything. I don’t know a lot about Guy but I know enough to feel like relationships would be very awkward and touchy for him due to his problems with emotions and expression. He isn’t straight, but he doesn’t really identify as anything either. He’s just: Guy. Which is more than valid

[oh also all of winter is Poly and they’re boyfriends thanks for coming to my Ted talk]

Hope you all liked these! Of course they are all my own opinion and you don’t have to agree with all, they’re just how I feel!! Feel free to reply or reblog with your own opinions or Headcanons!!

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gaylotusthatexists · 4 years

Text

sleepless night

pairing: parental anxceit

summary: Virgil can’t sleep, filled with confusion over what his crush on a boy means. His stepdad, Janus, is here to help.

trigger warnings: questioning sexuality, internalised homophobia? (kinda?). let me know if i need to add anything

word count: 1111

a/n: day seven of pride prompts! today’s prompt is ‘confusion’. this was very fun for me to write haha, hope y’all enjoy~

ao3

Virgil laid on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. It didn't make sense. None of this made any sense. He was trying, trying so hard to understand what was going on in his brain, but...

Ugh. He glanced over at his clock - well past midnight. He really should have been sleeping. But no, he was just lying in his bed, trying to make sense of the world, of himself, launching himself deeper and deeper into a crisis, and he couldn't for the life of him think of a way out of this. He just wanted to stop thinking, give himself chance to breathe.

He tossed and turned in his bed, trying to get his mind to shut up and will himself to sleep, but to no avail. Eventually, he sat up and turned on his light, figuring if he wasn't going to sleep he might as well do something useful. He moved over to his desk and began to draw - his therapist had recommended that to him, just doodling without thinking about it too much, without worrying whether the drawing was 'good'. It was suppose to relieve stress, or calm him down. However, glancing down at the drawing, he didn't grow any calmer.

It was that guy again. From his maths class, the guy who sat near him - Virgil didn't know his name. He always found himself staring at this guy, and- and recently the guy had been showing up more, in his mind and in his dreams. Virgil wanted to talk to him, to hold him, to-

No. No, he didn't want that. He didn't want to kiss the guy. He couldn't - they were both boys, that wasn't how things worked. He was just- just making things up, probably. Eventually there'd be a girl who made him feel the same things, right? Yeah, there must be. Surely.

He teared the drawing up and threw it in his bin, moving back towards his bed again. This wasn't working. Maybe- Maybe he just needed to sleep. Yeah, sleep sounded good. He turned his light off again and laid back down, closing his eyes and...

Ugh. This still wasn’t working. He turned his light back on.

There was a gentle knock on the door. Alarmed, Virgil pulled his quilt over himself and pretended to sleep again, as someone opened the door and walked in, sitting down on his bed.

"Virgil, my darling, I know you're awake," a voice said, as a hand began to slowly stroke his shoulder, comfortingly.

Sighing, Virgil sat up. It was his stepdad - Janus. He still wasn't sure what his mother saw in this guy, always out late and never really doing much for the family. But there wasn't really anywhere to escape to.

"Are you alright, Virgil?" Janus asked, moving closer.

Virgil did nothing. He stared down at his sheets.

"Is there something bothering you?" Janus hummed. "Perhaps we should schedule an appointment with Dr Picani sooner-"

"No," Virgil said. "You don't have to do that. I'm fine."

Janus raised an eyebrow. "Then why are you up at two in the morning?"

Was it really already two in the morning? Virgil fiddled with his fingers. "Couldn't sleep," he said, quietly.

"Want to talk about it?"

Virgil hesitated. In truth, yes, he did, he very much wanted to talk about it. He wanted to know what was wrong with him, and maybe asking an adult would help him understand. But at the same time, he could harm his already iffy relationship with his stepdad. He didn't exactly... trust Janus, not just yet. And what if this was really bad? What if Janus hated him for it?

"You can talk to me, y'know," Janus said. "I don't bite."

Virgil breathed in. His relationship with Janus already sucked, so... he supposed he had nothing to lose. "I'm... I was thinking. A little too much, I think. I don't know. It's..."

After a few moments of silence, Janus said, "Go on."

"I want to kiss a guy," Virgil murmured. "Is... Is that weird?"

There was a long silence between them. Virgil had fucked up, he was sure of that. He kept his eyes locked on the sheets below him, until Janus reached over and tilted up his head with his fingers, forcing Virgil to look him in the eye.

"Virgil, honey, that isn't weird at all," he said, softly. "I want to kiss guys too, sometimes. I have, in the past, actually."

Virgil blinked. "But- But you and my mom-"

"I'm bisexual," Janus stated.

Virgil frowned. "What's... What's that?"

Janus glanced around the room, before withdrawing his hand and shuffling even closer to Virgil. "I'm attracted to both boys and girls, and everything in between," he said. "Like, I'll date either, I'm not picky."

Virgil's eyes drifted back down to his bed. "You can do that?"

Janus nodded. "Yeah. A lot of people are like that. Do you think you're-"

"I've never wanted to date a girl," Virgil said. "I... I kind of thought I just hadn't found the right one yet. But then this guy..."

Janus hummed. "Perhaps you're gay, then."

Virgil stiffened. "What?"

"You know, homosexual, attracted to-"

"I thought that was just an insult," Virgil said. "Everyone at school-"

"People who use 'gay' as an insult are idiots," Janus said, a hint of anger in his voice. "All 'gay' means is that you're attracted to people who have the same gender as yourself."

Virgil blinked. "Oh."

"Do you... think that fits you?" Janus wondered.

Virgil picked at his bedsheets. "Maybe? Kinda. I don't know. This is the first time I've ever been attracted to anybody, let alone..." He trailed off.

Janus smiled. "Well, there are plenty of other labels out there," he said. "I can help you search, if you like. Or, of course, if you don't want to label yourself you don't have to. Just... know that it's perfectly normal to experience attraction towards guys, yeah? And if one day you come home with a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend, I'm not going to judge."

A small smile broke out on Virgil's face. That... That did make him feel a little better. "Could you help?" he requested. "I... If there's other stuff I could be I'd like to know my options."

Janus nodded. "Of course. But first you should sleep. I can help you out in the morning, okay?"

"Okay," Virgil breathed. He laid back down, snuggling up to his quilt and feeling a lot better than earlier in the night. Janus smiled at him a while longer, before standing up and turning off the light, closing the bedroom door gently. Virgil finally drifted off to sleep.

#prideprompts2020 #sanders sides #thomas sanders #platonic anxceit #virgil sanders #janus sanders #momceit #my fanfic #my writing

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thejudgingtrash · 3 years

Note

People can make anti Percabeth posts and tag that shit to hell and back appropriately, but the moment you get wind of it it's "misogyny" and "mlm fetishization" even when the person making it isn't female. This is why people have issues with Annabeth stans.

What exactly is your point...?

People still reblog stuff without tagging and I still happened to come across the post. I don’t care what your fucking gender is, the act and behavior is still rooted in misogyny. There is no excuse and defense. I don’t care whether you like or dislike a fictional character. It’s the way you behave, label it and justify yourself with slapping ”toxic“, ”abusive“, etc. on it. Calling a (fictional) kid that way is fucking off.

You guys are acting as if Annabeth is hiding the holy grail in her sports bra throughout the story.

I don’t mind critical meta, but if it’s essentially a declaration of hate, I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t be the only one that’s side-eying that.

Despite that, my focus in my responses was on the people that still went out of their deliberate way to contact Percabeth shippers with their weird shit... which is something you are currently doing. Congrats, you’re part of the problem. Stay in your lane and on your blog. Whatever you’re trying to do is ultimately failing.

And please don’t call me an Annabeth stan. Just. Please don’t.

And yes, a lot of fandom pieces are based on simping on the gay white cis male ship. From Supernatural, to Sherlock, to Lord of the Rings, to Harry Potter, to Percy Jackson. This happens across all fandoms and is nothing new. Welcome to the Internet.

#do you people read what you actually write and send off #i guess not #Mel answers #pjo #percy jackson #Annabeth Chase #Percabeth

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sexedforbiguys · 4 years

Text

Internalized homophobia and biphobia: what are they? – Sex Ed for Bi Guys

Published August 27, 2020.

This is the SFW/censored version of this post. You can view the uncensored version on a sexually-explicit blog here on Pillowfort.

Content warning: examples of internalized homophobia and biphobia, homophobic slurs.

I’ve been wanting to write about our mental health for some time, and internalized homophobia and biphobia are a good starting point. Homophobia is negative attitudes and stereotypes towards people with same-sex attractions, same-sex romantic relationships, and sex stuff people of the same gender do: think of the ickiness some people feel seeing two guys kiss. On top of this, we also have to deal with bullshit that gay guys don’t face. Biphobia is similar to homophobia, but towards people who are attracted to multiple genders. It’s the old: “we’re just on our way to gay town”; “I’d never date a bi guy”; “you have to choose”; etc. Homophobia and biphobia become internalized when we start to believe what we’ve been hearing our whole lives, when the fear of people’s reactions takes root, and when self-doubt and self-hate rear their ugly heads.

Internalized homophobia and what it feels like

Internalized homophobia makes you wish you were straight. It can lead to denial. It makes you feel you don’t deserve the same things “normal” people get because of your desire or love for men. It can sound like that:

You wish you were “normal”, and you even started hating yourself. When the other guys started accusing Rob of looking at their d**ks in the showers, you called him a f*g – because you were looking at their d**ks too.

Things are better now, but you were walking downtown and you saw two guys kiss. It was so weird, even though you’ve been dreaming of kissing your best friend. You hooked up with a guy from Grindr, but you were clear: no kissing, no hugging, just sex. But the moment you blew your load, you wanted out. Your skin crawled as you walked home, and you felt hollow.

Now, the sex is good, but that’s all you want from guys – there’s no way you’d fall in love with one. Your profile says masc-for-masc; you’re not like those over-the-top, flamboyant guys. You wish they’d tone it down, they give everyone the wrong impression. Seriously, what’s the idea of making your entire life about being gay, with the rainbows and the parades? It’s making everyone uncomfortable.

Internalized biphobia and what it feels like

Internalized biphobia is even more insidious. It starts by feeding on the ignorance those around you have been cultivating about being bisexual, pansexual or polysexual.

All you know is gay or straight. Sure, you think of other guys, but fucking girls feels amazing! You couldn’t possibly be gay; you just wish you had this guy’s body.

Or you’ve always been into other guys, you can’t be having feelings for that woman you just met. Anyway, everyone says you have to choose, maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe watching the right kind of porn will help you “choose”.

And once you think you know the truth about yourself, it tells you that maybe you’re wrong, or that it’s not such an important part of you.

Just settle with your new wife and you don’t have to bother about liking guys anymore. Or just say you’re gay so you don’t get the weird comments from your gay friends. You’ve always preferred guys after all, and you don’t want to deal with what they would think of you if you got a girlfriend. For all you know, maybe you’re just faking being attracted to women.

Or you’ve always seen yourself with a wife and kids and a family; even if you have these sexual desires for guys, your sexuality is nobody’s business but your own. Anyhow, your wife would be right to be angry if you told her you’re bi: that’s not what she signed up for, and it’s normal she’d worry about you being gay if she saw your porn.

You talked, and it’s kinda okay? You’ve been thinking of coming out, but you’re not really into labels, and people all get the wrong ideas when they hear a guy’s bisexual. Yet you end up being one of the 12% of bi men who come out to most of the important people in their lives; you’re finally done with that shit. But lately, you haven’t really been thinking about women, just guys… Are you gay after all? Oh, that girl who walked by is hot; you’re good.

This cool gay guy and you have been flirting – you think? – but what if he thinks you aren’t gay enough, or that there’s something he could never give you? Hey, he’s bi too! Wait, what if he leaves you for a woman someday? You’re not too sure about that.

Now it’s been years, and you love being bi! But that pansexual friend you had in college just got married, she was probably straight after all… That singer just came out as bisexual, but you bet he’ll say he’s gay in a couple of years; all the celebrities end up doing that, it’s so disappointing. And being bi is trendy with young people today. You wish you had another friend who’s bi, but they’re all gay or straight. Oh wow, your friend that you’ve known for years just said he’s not just into women! You had no idea, how come he didn’t say something sooner? He’s known for a long time that you’re bi after all.

It’s not all of that for everyone

I hope you’re not thinking or feeling all of what I just wrote. For many of us, internalized homophobia and biphobia are subtle, and only a few of these thoughts poison us, especially when we’ve worked towards accepting ourselves. Also, some of these beliefs can be there for reasons other than internalized oppressions. For example, many people have valid reasons to not want to label themselves: maybe the words feel too limiting. Or some people are private and feel that aspects of a sexuality they haven’t touched in a long time, or only when they watch porn and masturbate, belongs to them.

But internalized homophobia and biphobia hide in our blind spots and in our subconscious – it’s their thing, that’s what they do. So do some introspection. What are ways you think the internalized oppressions are still impacting you? Healing starts with developing an awareness that these exist within you. Still, although many of us have overcome our internalized homophobia, I have yet to meet a bi, pan or polysexual person who doesn’t occasionally struggle with internalized biphobia – so it’s probably in there somewhere.

My next article will talk about overcoming internalized homophobia and biphobia, but I don’t want to leave you hanging after stirring that shit up. This article and this video offer helpful suggestions, like reading books with bi characters or learning not to second-guess your feelings. Another important way of taking care of yourself is to connect with other people like you. If you haven’t already, check out r/BisexualMen on Reddit and maybe join our Discord chat server. You might discover how much of a weight is off your shoulders when you talk about your sexuality with other bi, pan and polysexual guys like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

***

Tip me or become a monthly supporter on Ko-fi if this post has helped you and you can afford it! I am going to university full-time to become a better educator. Supporting Sex Ed for Bi Guys means I have time to work on the series and continue helping people online, instead of working a part-time job while I'm in school. Support the series if you think bisexual, pansexual, and polysexual men deserve support and quality sex ed!

Check out all Sex Ed for Bi Guys posts here, including articles such as “Am I bi?”, Dating men, women, and nonbinary folks, and Butt sex 101.

All images are borrowed from the internet and are in the post because I like them. If you are the copyright owner or a person in the image, contact me: I’ll gladly credit you, or remove the image at your request.

#sex ed for bi guys #internalized biphobia #internalized homophobia #mental health #bi men #bisexual #bisexuality #polysexual #pansexual #queer #sex education

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quickspinner · 4 years

Text

Second Chance - Ch 5 Cold Feet

Luka played the chord progression again and sighed. Nothing was working. He put the guitar aside gently, resisting the urge to toss it across the room. He walked out of his studio and threw himself down on his living room couch, glowering at nothing. He checked the time. He had another hour and a half to himself before he had to head back to the studio, but he was making so little progress, maybe he should just go on in.

He missed Marinette, Luka admitted to himself miserably. It was like having her here was a week-long high that he was coming down from. He’d been down since her things had vanished from his home. Everything was exactly the way it had been. Plain. Boring. Why hadn’t he ever put any effort into decorating this place? Granted, he hadn’t had much in the way of stuff to bring with him when he moved in, and most of that went in the bedroom. Then he’d been touring, and it wasn’t like he ever had visitors. He lived in his bedroom and on his balcony, he worked in his home studio and at the dining room table.

He thought fondly of the cluttered chaos of the Liberty. It had only gotten worse since he and Juleka moved out. Without her children coming and going and bringing friends in and out, necessitating a minimum level of order simply so people could get around, Anarka was free to live her precepts to the fullest, and she did. His apartment décor might be minimalist even by normal standards but it was positively barren according to Anarka’s. Juleka’s place was a little better, but Juleka had more interests outside of music. Luka was pretty sure her collection of hair accessories alone would take up more boxes than everything he owned. And Juleka lived with Rose, so there were plants and flowers and unexplainable frilly things everywhere. Rose had given him some plants when they’d all moved in, but...well. Luka was frequently too distracted to remember to feed himself, let alone take care of plants.

He suddenly remembered Marinette’s soft sympathy as she told him, You’ve been lonely. He’d answered, I guess I have.

Luka looked at his phone, considering. Anarka was somewhere on the Mediterranean out of touch by anything except satellite phone at the moment, and wouldn’t be back in Paris for another month. His old friends had lives of their own that didn’t include sleeping until noon and eating lunch at dinner time. He scrolled idly down his contacts and paused. Ivan worked construction and his hours were sometimes weird. He was a manager now, too, maybe he would have a few minutes to spare. If Ivan even cared to speak with him. Luka hadn’t exactly been in touch.

Luka took a deep breath, blew it out slowly, and his thumb moved and he raised the phone to his ear.

“Hey, Ivan, it’s Luka,” he said with a smile. “No, nothing’s wrong, I just wanted to catch up a bit. Got a few minutes for an old friend?”

Really all he had to do was get Ivan rolling, and let him go on about Mylène and all the things they were doing to get ready for the baby. Luka could hear Ivan’s fear buzzing under his words.

“It’s scary, yeah?” Luka observed once there was a break in Ivan’s words. “It’s scary like all change is scary, and there’s no take backs on this one.”

“I—yeah, it really is,” Ivan admitted. “We both really wanted this and now I’m scared shitless.”

“Anyone would be,” Luka agreed. “But you’ve got Mylène. She’s probably scared too. You can be scared together, and you can get brave together.”

“She doesn’t act scared,” Ivan said begrudgingly. “She’s all plans and excitement and—“

“And keeping busy so you don’t figure out how terrified she is?” Luka chuckled.

There was a pause on the other end of the line. “You think so?”

“I don’t know,” Luka admitted. “I mean, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you guys and maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I know that she’s facing all the same things you are, plus all the craziness of actually carrying a child in her body. If she’s not completely terrified, I’ll eat my guitar.”

“Yeah,” Ivan said slowly. “Yeah, I...shit, I’ve been so wrapped up in my own head that I never even questioned it.” He paused. “I gotta talk to her.”

“Probably should. But Ivan, you and Mylène have so much love. I’m not worried about you. You love her and you love the baby and I truly believe you’ll be okay. You can’t play the whole song the first time you pick up an instrument, right? You’ve gotta break it down. You don’t have to be perfect on day one. You’ll learn as you go.” He chuckled. “I mean, if my mom could do it, you guys should be gold.”

“Thanks, man. It sure is good to talk to you.”

Luka smiled, touched. “I’m sorry I’ve been so out of touch. I’ll try to do better.”

“No sweat, man, you’re living your dream. Speaking of which,” and Luka raised his eyebrows because he’d never heard Ivan sound sly before, “I hear you’ve been spending a lot of time with Marinette.”

“As much as either of us can spare,” Luka chuckled. “Which is not nearly as much as I’d like, honestly. She’s…” He paused. “She’s grown up a lot since I saw her last. We’re trying to take things slow and just...see what happens.”

“Luka,” Ivan said flatly. “I know you love her. You’ve been in love with her since we were kids. What the hell are you waiting for?”

Luka sighed heavily. “I don’t know, I...it just seems kind of crazy, doesn’t it? That she would just somehow show up out of the blue and suddenly I can have everything I ever wanted. It just...it sounds too good to be true. I keep looking for the catch. And that’s—it makes me feel like I’m not being fair to her, too.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know, this shit is just...complicated.”

“Marinette makes things complicated, it’s like her superpower or something,” Ivan snorted. “But I never thought you would be the one to get things all tangled up. Just let it flow and be happy, man.”

Luka sighed. “I want to, I just…after last time...I mean I told her that I don’t hold it against her, and that was absolutely true, but it just...makes it difficult. Moment to moment, I’m so happy, I just—” He rubbed his hand over his face. “Damnit, I just got Juleka to lay off the gloom and doom, and now I’m doing it.”

Ivan was silent for a moment, and then he said, “Maybe I should be the one asking you what you’re afraid of.”

Luka lifted his eyes and stared at his empty living room. This, he thought. I’m afraid loving her and thinking she loves me back will change things so much that I’ll never be satisfied again when she leaves. “I’m afraid she doesn’t mean it,” he said quietly. “That whatever epiphany she had while she was away, whatever it was about seventeen-year-old me that she was missing won’t be enough for her to stay once she’s gotten closure on the what if.”

There was a shuffle on the other end of the line. “I mean, I guess that’s fair,” Ivan conceded. “So maybe it’s smart to keep things slow. At the same time, you know Marinette overthinks everything, and she cares about everybody. I don’t think she’d have approached you if she wasn’t pretty sure this was what she wanted. I mean, she has to know how badly it would hurt you if she couldn’t stick it out so...she must be pretty sure.”

“I hope you’re right,” Luka sighed. “Most days I think so too. We’re...we’re really good together. It’s—” He blew out a breath and shook his head. “It’s just too damn perfect is what it is. I can’t possibly be this lucky.”

“Now that sounds familiar,” Ivan chuckled. “I seem to remember you saying the same thing at the party we had to celebrate you signing with the label. Ugh, listen, man, I gotta get back to work,” Ivan said apologetically. “But—thanks for reaching out. And for the advice. Mylène’s putting together a gender reveal party, we’d love it if you and the girls could come.”

“Definitely,” Luka smiled. “Just text me the date as soon as you have it so I can make sure we stay free. Take care, Ivan. I’ll try to be in touch more often from now on.”

“You too, Luka. See you around.”

Luka lowered the phone and sighed, but he was smiling. He still didn’t know what to do about the song, but at least he felt less alone. He tapped his phone on his knee and stood up.

“All right, Couffaine,” he muttered. “Back to basics.” He went back into the studio, queued up a beat on his sound system, turned up his amp, and picked up his guitar. Forget trying to write, it was time to have some fun. He moved his body to the beat for a moment, and then started to riff.

***

When he finished at the recording studio that evening, he had a text from Juleka. Marinette’s hanging out with us until you’re free, just come over when you get home.

The sound of laughter greeted him when he walked into Juleka’s apartment and he had to smile. He found all three girls sitting around their dining room table. Juleka was laughing a full-body laugh that usually meant she was laughing at him. “And yeah, she was drunk,” Juleka choked out between giggles. “But the girl was hot, I mean sex on legs. So she’s rubbing all over him and she got like, no reaction, he’s just looking at her and his face was bright red but with this bored expression, and so she says, ‘What, are you gay?’ and he said—he said—” Her face was turning red, she was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe, let alone finish the story.

“Whaaaaat?” Marinette whined, and Juleka just shook her head, laughing so hard she was silent. Rose was also laughing too hard to finish the story.

“I said, ‘Maybe I’m just not turned on by a complete and total lack of respect for personal boundaries.’” Luka supplied, leaning against the wall. “That got her to rear back enough for security to get a hold on her and they dragged her drunk ass off me and threw her out. Do I need to get you some oxygen, Jules?”

Marinette burst out laughing, and Juleka put her face on the table, still shaking with laughter. Rose, pink-cheeked and giggling, rubbed her back and encouraged her to breathe before she passed out.

Luka watched the three of them laugh with a smile on his face and a stinging sensation behind his eyes. I want this. I want to be able to have this forever. “I’m glad you guys think it’s funny,” he grumbled, trying to look put upon. “She smelled like a frat party.” He shuddered.

Marinette giggled.

Luka smiled and held out his hand. “Had enough of these two lunatics yet?” Marinette smiled and took his hand, and let him pull her up out of her seat.

Juleka raised her hand and waved, her head still down on the table, though she was finally breathing and not laughing. Rose did the same, still rubbing Juleka’s back. “Have a good night, you two!”

“I’m glad you came,” Luka said as they crossed the hall. “I know you’re probably tired.”

“I am, and I probably shouldn’t stay too late,” she said, as he opened the door, “but I wanted to see you. How’s the music going?”

He shot a soft smile back at her as he hung his keys back on the rack. “Pretty terrible, actually. I really wanted to see you too. You want to watch something? Or I could put some music on.”

“Music sounds good. Unless you want to play?”

“I do not want to play,” he snorted. “The guitar is in time out after all the frustration today. Which is probably good, honestly, I was playing myself sore and getting nowhere.”

Marinette frowned as she watched him go to his sound system and start up a playlist. “Why so much trouble?”

“I don’t know,” he lied, and then sighed, collapsing on the couch. Marinette slid into his lap and he put his arms around her waist. “I mean...I sort of know,” he admitted. “I get these surges where everything really flows and then there’s always sort of a slump afterwards, so that might be it. Except this...doesn’t feel exactly the same.” He sighed and rolled his eyes to the ceiling. “I’m trying really hard here not to admit that I missed you so much I was too depressed to write music, but there it is, I’m just that pathetic.”

Marinette giggled. “You’re not pathetic. I think it’s sweet.”

“I don’t even know how to say it without sounding weird,” Luka sighed. “But it’s just...I don’t know, you just put out this creative energy and it’s easy to get caught up in.”

"Mm.” Marinette looked slightly surprised and mildly amused, but not put off, and he relaxed a little. “Do you know why I came over tonight?” Marinette asked him, with a tenderness in her voice that he wasn’t prepared for, “Even though I really ought to be either working or sleeping?” Luka blinked at her. “You’re so steady and calm. It’s...I don’t know, grounding? I needed that today. I really needed it.” She shifted to put her head down on his shoulder. “I’ve always been surrounded by crazy energetic people. Nino can be chill, but he can also lose his chill spectacularly. The only people who’ve ever really given me this peaceful feeling are my mother, and you. I didn’t realize how badly I needed it until I was away from you both.” She sighed, but he could hear the smile in it, even if he couldn’t see it at the moment. “So if you’re pathetic, I guess so am I.”

“Marinette?”

“Hmm?”

“You think, when your presentation is over...maybe you could help me redecorate?”

Marinette lifted her head, looked around at the room, white-walled, with the same white blinds and off-white curtains that had been here since he bought the place. “ Re decorate?” she said drily.

He chuckled and squeezed her lightly. “Yeah, I never had the time or the taste to do much. It was fine before but...I think it could use a little color now.” He chuckled. “Maybe some of your energy will stay.”

“We can do that,” Marinette said, turning to look at him. “It’ll be fun. Now if only I could think of a way to carry your steadiness with me.”

Luka grinned, and dug in his pocket, coming up with a smooth, flat, translucent blue stone. “Sea glass. I found it on a beach we were visiting, oh, I don’t even remember how many years ago. Bigger than what you usually find and kind of a rare color, so I kept it. I’ve carried it with me for years. I like the symbolism, I guess. Seaglass starts out as plain old broken glass, and it takes decades to wear the rough edges away and make it like this. This little rock has been going with the flow probably for longer than we’ve been alive.” He took Marinette’s hand and closed her fingers over the stone.

“Luka, you don’t have to—“

“I want to,” he told her, dipping his head slightly to meet her eyes. “Whatever else happens, Marinette, I always want to be here for you when you need a calm place.” He cupped her cheek in his palm and kissed her softly.

Marinette smiled. “Thank you, Luka.” She reached up and ran her fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. This time his sigh was shaky.

Marinette tilted her head slightly. “What’s up, Luka? You seem...I don’t know, kind of emotional tonight.”

“Yeah,” he said roughly, and cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. Just tell me how I can help.”

“You are helping. Can you just...hold me for a while?”

Marinette moved away to tuck the sea glass stone in her purse, and then shifted their position so that his head was on her shoulder, and her were arms wrapped around him. One hand continued to slip through his hair. “You shouldn’t be so lonely, Luka. I know how much you love your family, but you need friends, too.”

“I’m figuring that out, I guess. I called Ivan today.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah,” he said, nuzzling into her neck. “It was good. I need to try harder. I need to be a better friend.”

Marinette pressed her lips into his forehead. “You just need a little balance in your life. I know getting started was hard, I know it took a lot of work to get to this point. But you’re successful, now. You don’t have to be working constantly. You can find a balance. You're good at that.”

“Yeah?” Luka smiled against her skin. “What about you?”

“I’m still in the hard part,” Marinette sighed ruefully. “I still have a lot of work to do.” She nudged his temple with her nose. “But—and I don’t mean this to sound mean, Luka—I’ve managed to do it without isolating myself. I kept my old friends and I made new ones. And I know you feel awkward with new people, but you’re so kind and so warm and you have such a big heart. There’s no reason for you to feel so alone.” She hesitated. “And...I know from experience that I can’t be the only support in your life. I can’t stand being smothered.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“I know.” Marinette’s fingers moved down to stroke the short hair at the nape of his neck, and his eyes closed in pleasure. “I heard from Juleka how careful you are not to lean on her too hard. But burying yourself in work isn’t the right answer either.”

“I get it,” Luka said softly. “You’re right. I didn’t realize how alone I felt until you were here. I’ll start reaching out more, I promise.” He cuddled closer to her and changed the subject. “Are you ready for the movie premier Thursday?”

People were getting tired of the XY scandal and the reporters he’d been dreading were bound to start showing up sooner rather than later. Luka had an invitation to a movie premiere Thursday night, and it seemed like as good a time as any to go out and officially be seen with Marinette. After some discussion amongst the three of them, Lucille had put together a press release and Luka had sent it to his friend at the entertainment magazine, requesting that he hold onto it until Wednesday and promising him an interview in exchange. At least this way they could control when and how the news got out, and it meant they would be public before Marinette’s presentation to the internship committee. Marinette would just as soon have kept it under wraps until afterwards, but Luka and Lucille were both convinced their secret would get out on its own before then.

Marinette sighed. “I suppose.” She paused. “There was kind of something I wanted to talk to you about for that.”

“Okay.”

“I don’t want it to sound weird.”

Luka huffed a chuckle. “Then don’t make it weird. Just say it, Marinette.”

“Okay.” Marinette took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I want you to know I’m not going to wear my designs when we go out together.”

Luka blinked. “Okay.”

“Listen, I know that you know that I’m not after you for your fame,” she said earnestly. “You know that and I know that and Juleka and Rose know that, and whatever anybody else thinks isn’t important.”

“I’m with you so far.”

“But people are going to say it. Especially because of Adrien. They’re going to say I used him to get that internship and that I’m using you now to promote my business.”

“They probably will,” he agreed quietly. “But like you said, we all know it’s not true.”

“It isn’t, but it is,” Marinette shot back. “It’s not the reason why I want to be with you, but it is a side effect. People will pay attention to us when we’re out together.”

“They will. I don’t mind, Marinette. Your designs deserve all the attention they can get.”

“Well, I know it’s probably practical to think that way,” Marinette sighed, “but I just can’t. I don’t want those rumors to be even a little bit true. So, here’s what I’ve been thinking.”

“I’m listening.”

“I made a lot of friends while I was away, a lot of talented young designers who are amazing but who may not get a chance at exposure like this for years. I did a lot of trades. I’d rather wear something from one of them.”

“If that makes you happy, Marinette, I certainly don’t mind.”

Marinette chewed her lip. “You don’t think I’m being ridiculous?”

Luka shrugged, his face still against her neck, breathing in her perfume. “I don’t, but who cares if you are? It’s your body, your business, and your peace of mind. I’ll support any decision you want to make about those things.”

Marinette sighed, laying her head on his. “You’re so sweet, Luka.”

“I may not have been a great student but I did pass being a decent human being with flying colors.”

“I missed you so much today,” she murmured unexpectedly, sending a lightning thrill along his nerves. Her nails dragged lightly around his scalp and he muffled his moan in her neck.

“I missed you too.” He turned his face slightly and dragged his tongue lightly along her pulse, enjoying the way she gasped.

“I thought you just wanted to cuddle,” she teased, fingers sliding up and down his arms.

“I did. We did.” He nosed up her neck to press a kiss just under her jaw, and lowered his voice to something deep and warm. “I like cuddling.” Luka trailed soft, slow kisses along her jaw to her chin. “I like that we can talk about things together.” She moved to meet him as he kissed her mouth, softly and then deeper. “I like it when you hold me.” He kissed her again. “I like it when you touch my hair.” Luka rubbed his nose lightly along hers.“I just...like being close.” He kissed her again, trailing the fingers of his left hand along her cheek and down her neck, and Marinette arched into his touch. Her eyelids fluttered and then her blue eyes focused on him with all the warmth and want he could have wished for. “And I like when you look at me like that,” he whispered as her arms wound around his neck. Luka pressed close, sliding his hands up her back and wrapping her as tightly to him as he could. “Can I really have this?” he mumbled into her shoulder. “Are you really going to stay?”

“What was that?” she asked breathlessly. He raised his head and kissed her long and slow.

“Nothing, baby. Just...tell me you missed me again.”

He kept her much later than either of them intended, lost in soft touches and deep kisses and a burning want that was growing harder to deny. It was tempting to ask her to stay, but her clear exhaustion and his unsettled mood kept the question behind his teeth.

Luka went to bed alone.

***

With the movie premiere date/announcement all planned out, and they were probably on their last few days of privacy now, and Luka hated that they couldn’t spend more of those days together. He had meetings with his record label all day, which always left him a little annoyed. Luka knew he ought to be grateful for their focus on the bottom line, because it kept him bringing in a paycheck, the kind of paycheck he could barely conceive of when he first started in this business, but their general lack of artistic vision and integrity always grated on him. He glanced at the time and wondered if she’d be finished soon. She’d been working a lot of late nights as the deadline loomed ever closer, and he knew she was annoyed to be losing time for the movie premiere at all.

He should leave her alone, she was busy. She was working, like he was supposed to be working. It would be really, really lame to bother her just because he missed her.

Luka squeezed his phone in his hand.

She probably wouldn’t even answer.

He called anyway, sighing at his own neediness.

She picked up almost immediately. “Hey, Luka, what’s up?”

“Hey,” he grinned broadly. “Just had a few minutes and wanted to check in. Are you busy?”

“Swamped,” she sighed, and his heart sank. He could hear people and machines in the background and concluded she must be on the production floor. “There’s so many things to do and we’re starting to run short on time. Honestly, we might be here all night.”

“Have you eaten?” he asked, and sighed at the guilty pause. “Come on, Marinette, you know what’s going to happen if you don’t eat and hydrate. You’ll lose a lot of time if you pass out or break down.”

“I know, I know, I just—I didn’t plan for anything and I don’t have time—”

“How about if I bring you dinner?” Luka asked, perking up at the idea. “I’ve got some time before I have to get back to the studio and I’m not getting anything done here. I could bring in dinner for your whole team if you want.”

“Luka, that’s too much, you shouldn’t—I mean—well, I guess I could ask, but you have your own things to do and—”

“Marinette, I’ll buy dinner for the whole damn building if it means I get to see you for a few minutes,” he said without thinking, and then coughed, embarrassed. “Seriously, it’s no big deal. You want to send me an email with what you want? Or you can just tell me how many people you’ve got there and I’ll call Lu, I’m sure she knows somewhere that would work.”

“I hate to bother Lucille over something like this,” Marinette fretted.

“She gets paid to put up with me bugging her for stupid things, and I don’t do it often, it’ll be fine,” Luka promised. “Just tell me how many people and if there’s any restrictions and I’ll pick it up and bring it over myself. I’d love to see you work, if that’s allowed.”

“Mmmm, sort of? Normally you wouldn’t be allowed, but since this room is only working on my stuff and it’ll be after hours anyway, I can probably get you in. Let me know when you’ll be here and I’ll talk to security.”

“I’ll text you,” he promised, and hung up, grinning.

***

There she was. Like lightning on the water, a charge he felt tingling on his skin even from this distance, beautiful and dangerous and thrilling.

Luka made a mental note to write that down later.

The person she was speaking to spotted him and said something, and Marinette turned and lit up with a smile. She waved at him and signaled “one minute.” He raised one hand in acknowledgement and thanked the departing security guard who had escorted him in. Luka set the takeout bags carefully down on the floor at his feet, stuck his hands in his pockets, and waited, humming the bridge he’d been working on to himself.

Everyone in the room had clearly taken advantage of the fact that they were here after hours. Shoes, jackets, and ties were discarded, collars were loosened. Marinette herself was gorgeously disheveled, padding towards him her stockings with her blouse untucked from her skirt and her hair piled haphazardly on top of her head and tied with what looked like a piece of scrap fabric.

“Holy shit that’s Luka Couffaine,” a voice hissed to his left, and Luka glanced that way.

“Oh God, he heard me,” one of the young men breathed. The wall behind the young man’s worktable was adorned with a large poster of Luka in full stage gear and makeup, which is to say, looking nothing like he currently did except for the tattoos on his bare arms and the blue tips of his hair. It took a pretty devoted fan to recognize him out of costume. Luka smiled to himself and turned back to Marinette.

His smile widened into a grin as she walked up to him. “Hey heartbreaker,” he greeted. “Hungry?”

Her eyes travelled deliberately over him and heat crept up his neck. “Definitely.”

“Jaques,” the young man hissed, “Jaques, Luka freaking Couffaine is blushing at my boss and I can’t deal.”

Luka heard the sound of someone being smacked upside the head and bit his lip to keep the laughter in. “Interesting folks you have working here,” he said to Marinette as she rolled her eyes. “Think you could introduce me to my fan over there, or will he have a heart attack if I talk to him?”

“He might,” Marinette giggled, waving a couple of people over to take the food from him. “But he’ll be too excited to stay dead for long.”

“You could have warned him.”

She shrugged. “This is so much more entertaining. And to be honest, I kinda forgot.” Marinette made a face at him and he chuckled.

“I feel so appreciated,” he teased.

“I bet Francis would appreciate you,” she teased back.

“C’mon, introduce me before this gets weird,” he laughed, putting his arm around her shoulders.

“Oh my God,” Francis gasped as they came his way.

“Luka, this is Francis,” Marinette said cheerfully. “He’s a big fan of your work.”

“Hey, Francis,” Luka gave his most friendly smile and offered his hand. “I’m Luka.” Francis kept one hand over his mouth. The other shook as he grasped Luka’s. Luka squeezed his hand lightly, reassuring, and used his smoothest, mildest voice as he said, “Nice to meet you.”

“Your music saved my life,” Francis whispered, and Luka’s expression softened from mild amusement to genuine concern as he covered their joined hands with his free one.

“I’m glad it helped you,” Luka said warmly. “I hope you’re in a better place now.”

“Yes. Yes, I am, but I...I’m serious, I wouldn’t have made it through that time in my life without you.” Francis flinched. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to make it weird, it just—I never expected to meet you this way and why can’t I stop talking—”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Luka moved his hand to Francis’ shoulder. “I’m just a regular guy who likes to play music. Thank you for listening to it. I’m glad my music could touch you, and I’m thrilled that it could help. Thank you for telling me, that was really brave, and it honestly means a lot to me.”

“You, um…” Francis’ eyes flicked over his shoulder to Marinette, who had retreated to deal with some issue or other. “You and Marinette, are you…like, together?”

“Yeah, but…” Luka put a finger to his lips and winked. “Let’s keep that to ourselves for just a little bit longer, okay? I’d really appreciate it if that stayed off social media for a few more days.”

“Right, of course,” Francis said breathlessly, nodding a little too fast. “I got it.”

“Well, thanks for being a fan, Francis, and thanks for helping Marinette out. I know she appreciates your hard work, and I appreciate getting her back in one piece and mostly sane at the end of the day. Do me a favor and take care of her for me, okay?” Luka glanced at the poster behind Francis. “I can sign that, if you like.”

Francis eyes went huge. “Oh my God yes please. Uh, pen, I need—”

“It’s good,” Luka chuckled, reaching in his back pocket for the sharpie he kept there. “I hate disappointing people so I try to be prepared.” He signed the poster, choosing not to hear the frantically whispered conversation behind him that he was pretty sure was about his ass. Thankfully, Marinette was there with a plate of food when he turned around.

“Are you eating with us, Luka?” she asked.

“I was hoping to,” he smiled at her. “But I don’t want to interrupt your work, I know you’re busy. I can go if I’ll be a distraction.”

“You can stay for a while,” she smiled up at him. “Unless Francis sews his finger to the garment or something.”

Luka flinched. “Ew.”

“Sorry,” Marinette laughed at him. “Hazards of the trade. I’m sure it’ll be fine. Come on, I’ve got a work table over here that’s mostly clear, we can eat there.” He noticed the tension in her shoulders.

“How are things going?” he asked.

“I have faith that we’ll get there,” Marinette said with less conviction than she probably intended. “It’s only my entire reputation and future career on the line after all.” Her hand came up to grasp a pendant on a black silk cord that hung around her neck. When she let go, he saw it was the blue sea glass stone he’d given her, wrapped artistically in silver wire.

Luka had missed having the stone in his pocket since he’d given it to her, but looking at her now, wearing it and taking comfort from it, having turned it into something practical and beautiful, made giving it up totally worth it.

“You’ll make it,” Luka said with the confidence Marinette lacked. He caught the annoyed look she shot him as she fished out their food, and smiled. “I’m not patronizing,” he said, keeping his voice low. “You’ll make it. You might have to scale some things down, you might have to edit, but creativity and adaptability are your greatest strengths. Even if you do wind up having to change your original vision to make the deadline, you’ll come up with something fantastic. Maybe even better than what you planned.” He caught her hand and squeezed it before letting go. “There’s no shame in having to cut an idea and save it for later. I’ve done it, on songs that weren’t working or when I come up with a good line or riff that just doesn’t fit the melody. It’s a sign of maturity as an artist.”

“That’s true,” Marinette said thoughtfully as they began to eat. “I’m much better at editing than I used to be. That’s—“ she paused. “I’ll be right back,” she said, and suddenly she was across the room like a shot, flipping through a stapled printout and scribbling notes.”

Luka chuckled and continued eating. When Marinette returned he could see in her eyes that she wasn’t all there, so he stayed quiet other than quietly encouraging her to eat when her fork stopped moving. When she pushed her half-empty plate aside and stood up, there was purpose in her movements.

“Huddle up real quick, team, I want to make some changes.”

Luka watched her give orders to her team with both curiosity and admiration. Marinette wasn’t much older than anyone else in the room, clearly much younger than a couple of them, but she spoke with confidence and conviction. He’d seen her make motivational speeches before and she’d always been good at them, but that was class president good. This was take-the-fashion-world by storm good.

He had to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. She was stunning when she was in charge. He watched the faces around her go from worried to relieved to excited.

After she dismissed the team back to their work, Marinette did slow circles around the room, checking in, offering encouragement or correction, carrying things from table to table. She was competent, she was in control, and even stressed out of her mind and on a deadline she was kind . She reminded people with still-full plates at their elbows to eat, she corrected mistakes gently. When people had questions, she was confident in her answers, even when it took her some time to come up with them. The place hummed with slightly manic energy and he could feel it seeping into him.

I’m not going to get any sleep tonight, am I? he thought as his fingers began to lightly tap out a beat on the tabletop.

“Marinette,” Luka called softly as she passed him, and she turned. “Scratch paper?” She smiled and brought him paper and a pen. He hummed softly to himself as he made some notes, pen in one hand and fork in the other. The fork was quickly forgotten; several times in her rounds of the room Marinette nudged him to remind him to eat. Vaguely Luka made a mental note to talk to Lucille about setting up more collaborations. He was really thriving on just being near the energy of other creators. His head began to bob as he closed his eyes to listen to the bass line forming in his mind.

#quickspins #backlog #second chance #lukanette #i am lukanette trash i admit it #miraculousladybug #miraculous ladybug #mlfics #luka couffaine #marinette dupain-cheng

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