#but he's also actually pretty fucking clever at times and shown to be intelligent

[explorersaremadeofhope]

not to be an aziraphale apologist but ima be an aziraphale apologist here for a second (/lh)

because while i too feel that crowley is more relatable and easier to sympathise with (he is also the audience pov more for a reason), aziraphale's motivations actually do make sense, they just operate on a different logic.

crowley is mostly, i think, motivated by his hopes, and his ideas, and his ideals. he's creative and pretty idealistic and it mostly stands him in good stead. the book tells us he's an optimist and that's largely also true (though in both book and show his optimism does have a limit, and show!crowley's optimism folds in a far more decisive way, and earlier in the narrative, than book!crowley's -- but that's a digression). aziraphale, from the get go, has been much more of a pragmatist.

crowley talks cynical, but out of the two of them, he's the one who's been most surprised and hurt by the injustice of upstairs and especially of god, starting with not-wanting-a-suggestion-box-and-incidentally-fuck-you. meanwhile literally before the fall of the rebel angels, aziraphale is shown looking around nervously.

there is a tendency to portray aziraphale as somehow less inclined to question, more naïve, less curious -- which somewhat forgets that he is canonically very intelligent. for sure, he can be gullible at times -- but when it comes to these things, it's actually made very clear that he's not. he's clever enough to have worked out, firstly, that there is a limit to heaven's tolerance, and secondly approximately where the limit is, even before any angels had fallen. he's also smart and/or cynical enough to know that he doesn't know exactly where the line is. which means he can never be quite sure he's not in trouble.

when crowley starts talking about putting the tree of knowledge on a high mountain, or the moon, and aziraphale uncomfortably averts his gaze, that is not the face of someone who's never thought about that before. there is zero surprise. he has had the exact same thought. this is part of the point; this is why they go so well together. (and why earth is ultimately saved by aziraphale finally stepping forward with a pointed question and refusing to back down until he gets an answer.)

the difference is that when aziraphale has these thoughts, he keeps his head down and his mouth shut, because he is always thinking ahead to the consequences. aziraphale, as a realist, is very largely motivated by fear.

and the thing is! that's not healthy! but it's a reasonable response to their circumstances. the threat is constant! they are potentially always being watched! they are absolutely hilariously outnumbered and outgunned.

now, in the show you do see him speak up occasionally, and even argue with the archangels a couple of times, when something doesn't sit right. he will when he feels he must. but all it's really given him is ample opportunity to see exactly how unreasonable and dangerous they are. the one hope he's clung to the entire time has been that the archangels (and in s1, the metatron) are not representative of god and don't actually know god's will. and the ending of s1 proved him right in that.

cut to s2 when -- surprise! -- even after pulling a ridiculously dangerous stunt to avoid getting executed, he and crowley are right back to square 1, because it turns out that both heaven and hell will go back on any promise made to aziraphale and crowley at the drop of a hat -- and there is nothing aziraphale and crowley can do about it, because see above re: hilariously outgunned. the surveillance is still constant, the threat is still constant, they did this bonkers yonkers thing and it still wasn't enough, there is literally no way out.

and then the metatron shows up 15 mins late with starbucks coffee. and as people have pointed out, aziraphale's instinctive response is, 'but i don't want to go back to heaven', and he doesn't reconsider until the metatron makes sure to casually mention that he's gone back through the files on aziraphale's history and knows all about his involvement with crowley, and oh incidentally of course you couldn't work with him if he was a demon, but you can always reinstate him, no big. he doesn't even try to bribe aziraphale with all the stuff that'll be waiting for him in heaven because he knows aziraphale has gone native and prefers earth anyway; he goes straight to the other tack. knowing, of course, that aziraphale will want to look out for crowley, and knowing that crowley (always asking damn fool questions and wanting to go his own way) will tell him to sod off.

does all that guff about it being just like before but 'even nicer', calling hell 'you' like they're suddenly crowley's people again, and calling heaven the side of good and whatnot, sound much like aziraphale? well, no. but it isn't the first time he's gone off like that when someone poked at his (extremely messy) feelings about heaven. in s1 he had a meltdown about it which ended in 'we're not friends; i don't even like you', which is just as blatantly untrue. but for all that he never voices the sentiment out loud (i wonder if he might have, if he'd had time between gabriel&beelzebub fucking off and metatron showing up), i don't think it's a big reach to say that unlike crowley, who mostly seems relieved that it's over and looking forward to getting hammered (affectionate), aziraphale has been thinking about the future implications of their 'to be left alone' status being revoked.

and it's undeniable that a big part of their problem is their absolute lack of power. they are two relative nobodies, middle wage celestial beings, no match whatsoever for the big guns of heaven and hell. (yes, i remember the miracle, no i don't believe that was them with the power of love; i believe that was them standing on top of aziraphale's summoning circle and drawing on their powers while holding hands with the supreme archangel, whose signature colour, as reflected in the plume, is purple.) as much as i love crowley and think he's absolutely bang on the money about heaven, he doesn't actually ever offer a viable plan b. one moment he's saying let's run off, alpha centauri, lots of spare planets -- but when it comes down to the idea of actually packing it all up and leaving earth, he actually hates the thought of aziraphale leaving the bookshop. which kinda leaves them nowhere.

what aziraphale is being offered, even if it is most likely a scam in some way, at least has the potential to make a genuine difference, by getting one of them in a position of leverage. (do i think it's gonna blow up in his face somehow, absolutely. but i also see why he did it, why -- imo -- it makes sense for him as a character, and why he'd probably feel he couldn't have acted differently, if it meant he had a shot at keeping crowley safe.)

#good omens #meta #i guess? #honestly just 2 months late without starbucks typing this all out so it'll stop percolating in my brain while im trying to do things #*

[risingsouls]

[I’m about to risk sounding like one of those annoying Vegeta stans, but I was watching DBZ with the crew last night and we got to the point where Vegeta tells Frieza to transform. Before I go any further, I’m going to of course agree that this was stupid of him without even trying to just kill Frieza, BUT I think there was more logic (I use the term loosely) than people give him credit for.

Also note: this is based on the Funimation dub, which is really the only one I’ve seen (outside of reading the manga and maybe I’ll open that up someday and compare). So if it’s different in any other dub or the sub, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. Also this is based on the first time Frieza transforms. It’s been a HOT MINUTE since I’ve watched/read the Namek saga, but I VAGUELY remember him doing it again for Frieza’s final form (which is probably definitely more ego-fueled than this one if I remember right SO this is about the first instance only).

ANYWAY, it was interesting to me because this moment is always framed in such a way that mirrors what he does with allowing Cell to reach perfection and doing it for his ego, to test himself, whatever. Which, again, I think is still apart of it but I think he is actually using some brain cells, too, because at least in this dub, he's more explanatory and like "why don't you go ahead and transform?" and goes on to talking about how he learned his secret from Zarbon and that it won't give him much of a boost anyway (obviously basing it off his experience with Zarbon's own transformation which is dumb and presumptuous of him, but not FULLY out of bounds to assume).

So I feel like he in some part he is bringing it up because he knows that Frieza sees in that moment that Vegeta could match him and potentially defeat him as he is. Thus, since he knows about his transformations, he would assume that, even if he got Frieza on the ropes, Frieza would just transform to get the upper hand just as Zarbon had and no one, especially Frieza, is looking to lose in this scenario. 

LIKE I SAID.  It's still a dumb move and presumptuous on his part considering Zarbon and Frieza aren’t even the same race and there are a thousand more reasons why he should be more cautious in just assuming this (probably another instance of his ego or just general denial with the very hopeless situation he’s found himself in...maybe both). I'm sure his ego and the “I want to test myself” sort of feeling is still there--he’s a Saiyan after all--since by this point he is pretty sure he's a Super Saiyan. Not to mention, considering their history, I’m sure he would love to humiliate Frieza at his strongest. BUT it doesn't have the full ego trip vibe as when he does it with Cell.]

#.:ooc:. #in which i overanalyze everything #i also just hate the narrative that vegeta is dumb? #i mean he is DUMB #but he's also actually pretty fucking clever at times and shown to be intelligent #just you know #hubris and ego xD #but really what fun would the series be without him fuckign around and finding out? #none that's what

[jeranasblog]

Caught in the Spider’s Web

Rating: E

Pairing: Peter Parker/ Tony Stark

Summary: Omega Peter is obsessed with famous Alpha Tony Stark since he was a little kid and he does everything to get close to the billionaire. When he finally gets the opportunity to get to know Tony better, Peter starts his manipulation and seduces the Alpha into his bed. Thankfully, everyone around him thinks he's cute and innocent, so it's even easier to catch Tony in his web.

Line Prompt for @twokinkybeans​: "It only takes a blowjob to fall in love." This challenge is amazing, ty beans <3 

Warnings: Slight dubcon? Both of them want it, but Peter is still manipulating Tony. For further warnings (especially smut) check Ao3

Words: 7160

Read on Ao3

Peter Parker had admired Tony Stark since he was a little boy. In the beginning, it had been hero-worshipping. Iron Man was a legend, and the man behind the mask even more. Peter had bought little action figures, had decorated his walls with posters, and watched every single interview on TV. Tony Stark was an impressive Alpha, broad shoulders, protective aura and Peter had never understood why he had wasted his time with Pepper Potts, a plain and boring Beta.

But the older Pete got, the more obsessed he became. He spent his mornings looking at photos of Iron Man online, fingering himself while he pictured the Alpha’s muscular arms caging him in. The day Tony left Pepper was one of the best in Peter’s life and he had imagined for weeks how he would cheer the billionaire up, imagined that he could replace the empty space in Tony Stark’s heart.

During his first heat, Peter refused the help of an Alpha. He had plenty of options, eager young students that wanted to wreck such an innocent-looking Omega, but Peter wanted to save himself for Iron Man. No one else deserved his virginity, so he made do with his own fingers, thinking about himself bouncing on Tony Stark’s cock.

Years passed and Peter’s obsession only grew. He got older, became even more handsome, even more fragile looking and lots of Alphas tripped over their feet to woo Peter Parker, cutest Omega in Queens. But he turned all of them down. There was only one Alpha, only one person good enough for him.

Sadly, Peter had never met Tony Stark before. He had imagined how their first encounter would go, how easily he could enchant the Alpha with his soft looks and innocent eyes. He worked years to get finally close to the other man. Peter invested his entire energy into studying and became soon the best of his class. With fifteen, he graduated high school and applied to MIT. Three years later, he hadn’t only gotten his bachelor’s degree, he also held a letter of Stark Industries in his hands. Soon, he would be the youngest intern in the history of SI, soon he would be close to Mr. Stark.

Peter knew it was very unlikely he would meet the billionaire on his first day of work, but he was disappointed, nevertheless. A boring Alpha had shown him around, drooling over Peter and it took all his willpower to hold back his disdain. Instead, he had smiled sweetly and asked questions to appear interested. He needed a plan to get closer to Mr. Stark and before that, he shouldn’t do anything he could regret later.

His approach to get closer was based on his intelligence. Tony had once said during an interview that he preferred his partners smart and witty, and Peter planned to use the information. He stayed in the lab longer than everyone else, worked harder and harder to get the recognition he needed until one day, he finally got the opportunity he desperately needed.

Everything started when Pepper Potts, still Tony’s CEO, entered the lab, loudly arguing with an unimportant Alpha at her side. Peter had wanted to hate her first, but she was still one of Tony’s closest friends, and there was no way the Alpha would like him if Peter displeased her. After a while, he could even see that Pepper had no more romantic feelings for Tony, and his instincts to fight her were eased a little.

“We don’t need it in a week,” Pepper yelled and the pathetic excuse of an Alpha flinched. “We need it tomorrow. And there’s no way Tony can fix it until tomorrow. The investors are gonna pull back their offers.”

Peter pretended to be busy while he was actually eavesdropping. “I-I’m sorry, M-Mrs. Potts,” the Alpha’s voice was wavering, and Peter suppressed a snort. How could Pepper give responsibilities to such a weakling? “I told him a week ago, but he didn’t listen.”

Pepper was slowly losing her temper. “You told him once while he was tinkering. What did you expect? Him throwing everything aside to listen to you.”

“I’m sorry.” Peter wouldn’t wonder if the Alpha started to cry.

“You’re sorry? You're not the one explaining to the investors why the battery of the Stark Phone explodes occasionally. I have to live with the consequences.” Pepper fumed and Peter had to admit that she was feisty, for a Beta. “When the temperature is above ninety degrees, they sometimes blow up. Do you think the investors will like this?”

Peter froze. He didn’t focus on the Alpha flinching under her harsh words anymore, instead he thought about Pepper’s words. He knew about the problems with the Stark Phone, knew for a long time they would explode if they got too hot. Peter had assumed someone had already eliminated the mistake, but apparently, no one had. Suddenly, his entire body started buzzing. He knew how to get rid of the problem and this was his chance to get what he wanted.

“I know why they explode, and I could help eliminating the issue.” Pepper and the Alpha were staring at him, Pepper with curiosity and the Alpha with disgust.

“I don’t think an Omega could help,” the Alpha belittled him, and Peter clenched his hands to fist to stop his anger from spilling. He had to stay calm and play his cards right.

Thankfully, Pepper took over before Peter did anything he would regret later. “Since you’ve fucked up anyway, I’m willing to try everything to fix this thing.” Peter couldn’t stop himself from smirking at the Alpha. “What’s your name.”

“Peter Parker, Ma’am.”

“Peter, I’ll give you a few minutes with Tony. If you convince him you can fix the mistake, we’ll pay you a bonus.”

Oh, if she knew. A few minutes with Tony Stark were so much more valuable for him than any extra cash. This was everything he had ever dreamed of. Five minutes to convince Tony Stark that he was worth spending time with. Suddenly, Peter felt nervous. The direction of his entire life would depend on the encounter with the billionaire and he would do anything to make a good impression on the Alpha.

He smiled kindly at Pepper and followed her to the elevator. She was tense and stressed out, but he could also see the hope in her eyes. If he did everything right, she would be forever thankful and that’s exactly what he needed from her. Her first impression of him was important.

 Tony Stark’s lab was impressive. It was nothing compared to the intern lab Peter worked in, even though all of SI’s rooms were well equipped. The Omega swallowed when he entered the room and marveled at the expensive equipment that was scattered all over the floor. From a hidden spot in the corner, Peter could hear a loud crash followed by a few curse words.

“Tony, come out for a second,” Pepper called the genius and Peter held his breath when the Alpha approached them.

He was handsome, even more handsome than he was in the million pictures that were all over the internet. Tony was wearing jeans and a black tank top, his muscular arms on display. Peter could barely stop himself from purring and he ogled the oil strains on the billionaire’s forearms. Tony Stark looked like a model from the cover of “Alpha’s Health” and Peter wanted nothing more than to claim the man as his. But there was still a long way to go.

Suppressing his arousal, Peter smiled innocently at the Alpha and ducked his head. The gesture was a submissive one, giving Tony the illusion, he was in control. Peter watched in excitement that Tony was looking him up and down, his pupils dilating a little. He could see a faint gleam in the billionaire’s eyes, making it obvious that the man liked what he saw.

“As much as I like lovely company, Peps, why are you bringing me a young Omega? I have to work on the Stark Phone issue.” The words made Peter heat up in arousal and he covered his body reaction with an innocent blush. He wanted to jump the billionaire, wanted to ride him, claim him and bounce on his knot, but he would be nothing more than an easy fling if he misplayed the situation. Instead, he focused on looking bashfully.

“Tony, this is Peter Parker. He’s one of our new interns,” Pepper explained while she was already halfway leaving the room. “I’m sorry, but he claims he knows the source of the problem with the phones and at the moment, we need any help we could get.”

Before Tony could assume that he was a stupid Omega with attention issues, Peter took the lead. “It was very thoughtful of Miss Potts to bring me here. I’ve actually detected the mistake a few weeks ago and just assumed someone had already fixed it. My apologies.”

“That’s my cue,” Pepper barged in, giving the billionaire no time to complain. “I actually have a call scheduled with the investors. I’ll pick Mr. Parker up in an hour. Don’t kill him, Tony.”

The Alpha grumbled when she left, and Peter took a deep breath to get his nerves back under control. This was it. This was the moment he had always waited for. The Tony Stark stood in front of him and if he made a fool out of himself now, there was no chance for his plan to ever work out. He had to be clever, smart, and irresistible.

Peter gave him another sweet smile and the bobbing of Tony’s throat showed him that he should try the innocent approach further. The billionaire was certainly reacting to him acting bashfully.

“All right, Peter.” The Alpha didn’t even ask if he was allowed to use his first name. “I’m pretty busy, but I’ll give you a chance to show me where the problem is coming from.”

These words coming from any other Alpha would have offended Peter, but since he was talking to Tony Stark, he let the casual use of his first name slip. This was his chance to prove himself and he wouldn’t sabotage his goals because someone was underestimating him. He would show the billionaire what he had worked for.

“Do you have a Stark Phone here?” Tony nodded and led him to the other end of the lab where the billionaire had been before. Peter used the time to get a good look at his ass. It was muscular and round, perfect to dig his nails into when Stark was fucking him through the mattress. The thought made Peter shiver and he took a deep breath, containing himself and focused on the task on hand.

“The solution is pretty simple,” Peter explained while he stepped next to the Alpha in front of the workbench. He came a little too close, so Tony would pick up a hint of his scent. Peter knew Alpha’s went wild for his smell, he had tons of unworthy men going crazy for him, and he always knew how to use his assets right. Out of the corner of his eyes, Peter could see Tony’s nostrils flare, clearly not unaffected from the scent, but otherwise, the Alpha stayed calm.

Before he could lose himself further in the thought, Peter picked up the faulty Stark Phone and opened the case with a small screwdriver. He disconnected a few wires to take out the battery and laid the electronics of the phone open.

“I’ve actually detected it when I was working on increasing the storage capacity. Do you see the solder joint here? First of all, it’s too big and the material was a bad choice. When it gets hot, the solder joint will melt again and possibly cause a short circuit. That’s the reason why the battery can but doesn’t have to blow up when the phone gets too hot.”

Tony stared at him amazed before he threw back his head and started laughing. The sound was deep and full, rushing immediately into Peter’s cock and he had to bite his own lips to stop his hole from slicking up. There was no way the Alpha wouldn’t notice him getting wet and it wasn’t the time for his seduction plan yet.

“That’s pretty embarrassing,” the billionaire chuckled and grinned at him. “Such a rookie mistake. Whoever made the mistake should go back to school immediately.”

Peter swallowed and chose his next words wisely. He had certainly made an impression on the Alpha, but it wasn’t good enough to linger. “Mr. Stark, Sir. If I might suggest an improvement?”

He could see surprise in Tony’s gaze, but also curiosity. “Sure, go along.”

“What if you replace the battery in a few Stark Phones with your arc reactor technology? Obviously not for every model because the price would increase significantly, but there are a lot of rich people who want to contribute a part to the environment. Your clean energy in a phone is an amazing solution. And on top, the board would get accustomed to your invention, as well as the shareholders. It would be an easy possibility to establish the arc technology.”

The Alpha didn’t say anything. He stared at Peter and the Omega could see that he was pondering about it. He had done a lot of research about the billionaire and he knew Tony was fighting with the approval of the board since he had closed the weapon manufacture. Nothing was more important to him than to prove that SI was a valuable company even without the shady business, and Peter had given him a suggestion to strengthen the reputation of his arc technology.

“I’ll consider it,” Tony answered, and Peter smiled bashfully, pleased that he had played his cards right. He wouldn’t hear anything more than that today, but he had proven his first point: Peter was smart enough for Tony Stark. Now there was only one other goal: Show Tony Stark that he was irresistible.

Peter congratulated himself for his subtlety. After the billionaire had made a few calls and yelled at a few people to change the solder point of the phone, there was still half an hour left until Pepper would come back to pick him up. He spent the time chatting with Peter and showing him some of his inventions while the Omega could physically see that Tony reacted to him.

Every time he blushed and batted his eyelids, Stark’s eyes sparkled; every time he played with his curls, Stark’s expression was filled with hunger. Peter made a game out of it, acting all bashful and innocent while he bent over low to pick up the screwdriver he had accidentally dropped. He had years of experience, manipulating Alphas he didn’t even care about, but today was the day it had to work. Today was the day Tony Stark would be enchanted.

They talked about engineering and their studies at MIT. Tony had more experiences, but since Peter had done a ton of research on Tony Stark’s work, he could easily keep up. With each passing minute, the billionaire relaxed further and further in his company and when Pepper picked the Omega up again, Tony had even given him his private number, promising to call Peter when he needed his help again.

Peter felt like a spider and he would do anything to catch Tony Stark in his web. The Alpha was his.

 Now that Tony Stark knew who Peter was, things got easier. He didn’t need to make an effort for the man’s attention anymore since the Alpha was staring at him anyway when they saw each other fleetingly. Instead, Peter focused on riling the man up. He knew a few minutes every day would be enough if the impression lingered.

The most important step was to meet the billionaire overall. Peter worked in the intern lab on the second floor while Tony’s lab was right next to his penthouse, so they wouldn’t see each other accidentally. And since Peter wasn’t even allowed to enter the top floor, he had to think about a plan that forced the Alpha to come down. When he overheard one of the board members complaining about Tony’s mood because his coffee machine was broken, Peter got an idea.

The Omega came to work early, so no one had arrived yet. The lab was empty, the hallways were empty, and even more important, the kitchen was empty as well. He tiptoed to the coffee machine and exhaled relieved when no one was there yet. Quickly, Peter replaced the cheap beans with Hawaiian brew and from now on, he spent his breaks drinking expensive coffee in the kitchen, waiting until the rumors about the amazing coffee spread. Not even a day later, Peter saw Tony again.

“Peter, what are you doing here?” Everyone was looking at the Omega when the Tony Stark addressed him by his first name.

“Mr. Stark,” Peter gave him his sweetest smile that made all the Alphas swoon. “I’m working on this floor.”

Tony looked startled for a second, he had probably forgotten that Peter was only an intern. “Right. What are you working on?” Although the billionaire was talking to Peter, he eyed all the other Alphas in the room. A surge of hot arousal rushed through Peter’s body, but he pushed the feeling away before everyone could smell his slick. Seeing the Alpha already so possessive over him woke the urge to smirk and climb him like a tree.

“Still on the storage capacity of the Stark Phone. I’ve made progress, but it’s slow because I don’t have enough resources.” He batted his eyes innocently, acting as if he wasn’t following a goal. Say it, Alpha. Come on, offer it to me.

“You can use my lab if you want,” Tony offered, and Peter had to suppress a complacent smirk. It was so easy to manipulate Alphas as long as he acted sweet and innocent.

Peter opened his eyes widely and feigned shock. “But Mr. Stark, I can’t accept the offer. I would only distract you.” You want it too. Say it, Alpha.

“Nonsense, it’s spacious enough. Let’s go upstairs.”

Tony led him out of the room, his hand placed on Peter’s back. He could feel the heat through his shirt and enjoyed the first victory of the day, knowing that he had Tony Stark exactly where he wanted him. All eyes followed them, Alphas envious that Tony Stark had snatched the cute looking Omega away, and the rest envious that Peter could leave with Tony Stark. Peter felt euphoric, everything went according to plan and it was only a matter of days until the Alpha was his, until the country's most eligible bachelor was wrapped around his little finger.

 Although Peter wanted nothing more than to throw himself at the man, he took it slowly. Tony might show signs of arousal, ogling Peter, and his scent turned spicier, more masculine, but the time wasn’t right yet. Peter needed him crazy with arousal, so he kept acting innocent while he stepped up the game.

It started with his scent. Every morning Peter would finger himself, spread his slick between his thighs, and clean himself after, but a hint of his arousal was still lingering in his scent, driving the Alpha crazy with lust. Additionally, he changed his clothes, subtly of course. His jeans got tighter, his shirts shorter and he bent over the workbench more often, showing off his plump ass and a stripe of his bare back. He could feel Tony’s eyes on him, could feel that the Alpha got wound up, but he didn’t snap. Yet.

On top of showing off his assets, Peter also controlled their conversations carefully. He demonstrated subtly his intelligence, talked about topics he knew Tony was interested in, and lured the billionaire in by admiring him and his skills. He didn’t even have to act it because there was no one like Tony Stark out there, no other Alpha that clever and strong. Peter had long ago decided that the genius was his.

Every day they spent together in the lab, Tony loosened up more, until he was completely relaxed around Peter, defenseless against the Omega’s attack. He got trapped more and more in Peter’s web, caught in the seduction of his body and mind, until one day, the Omega made his move.

 It started with the first time Tony called him.

“Peter? I have a problem.” His voice was higher than usual, stressed out and Peter’s guts clenched with the thought that his Alpha felt bad. “I know you don’t work today, but I have a board meeting in an hour, and I can’t leave the palladium mixture alone. It has to keep its temperature. Could you help me out? Pretty please?”

No one could blame Peter, really, Tony gave him the perfect excuse. He didn’t need an hour to get there, but the billionaire didn’t have to know. “I’m on my way, but I don’t have time to change. Could you maybe let me in through the back door? I don’t want my colleagues to see me in my free time clothes.”

Either Tony was just naïve, or totally stressed out because he didn’t suspect anything, relieved Peter could jump in. “I owe you one, Peter. See you soon.”

After Tony had hung up, Peter changed into his nicest lingerie, put on his shortest booty shorts, and a tight crop top that showed a glimpse of his stomach below the hem. He was dressed decently enough that Tony wouldn’t get suspicious, but he revealed enough skin to drive the Alpha wild.

Before he left his apartment, Peter grabbed an oversized jean jacket to cover at least a little of his modesty. Then he took the subway to Stark Industries. He knew today was the day. Tony was exhausted and Peter would use it to make his first strike. If today worked out, Tony Stark was his.

 The elevator that brought him to Tony’s lab was at the backside of SI, so none of his co-workers got the chance to see him dressed like this. Peter smiled while JARVIS took him upstairs. Everything worked out exactly how he had planned it, now he only had to lure the billionaire in.

Tony’s gaze traveled immediately to Peter’s bare thighs when the Omega entered the lab. Raw hunger was written on his face, poorly concealed. It took Peter his entire willpower not to smirk, the Alpha was already yearning for him. He turned around, took off his jacket, and laid it folded on the floor in the corner of the lab, making sure to bend low and present his barely covered ass. He could hear the billionaire curse quietly, a sound of pent-up arousal and longing.

“I’m so sorry,” Peter whimpered when he faced the billionaire again, his eyes huge and innocent. “I know I’m not dressed appropriately, but I didn’t have time to change, or I couldn’t have been here on time.”

He could see how Tony swallowed, guilt about his inappropriate feelings bringing him back to reality. The billionaire’s guards were down, stress was taking its toll, and Peter knew persuading would be even easier when the billionaire came back since he was already on the verge of giving in now. And the best, Tony didn’t even know what Peter was doing.

“What can I do for you?” Peter asked a little breathless, but not too much to raise suspicion. He came closer, invading Tony’s personal space to lean over the workbench and inspect what the billionaire was experimenting on.

The Alpha cleared his throat, taking a few seconds to gain back his control. “I’m experimenting with the arch technology and I have to increase the temperature of the palladium by one degree every ten minutes until it starts to melt. If I heat it too fast, it could get brittle and I have to go to the meeting. Could you take care of it? Could you heat it slowly until it starts to melt and decant it into the intended test tube after?”

Peter smiled at him, genuine and stunning. “Of, course, Alpha- I mean, Mr. Stark, Sir.” The slip was intended, and Peter could see with giddy excitement what the word did to the genius. Tony’s pupils enlarged immediately, and a barely audible rumble left his chest.

“I count on you, Peter.” The billionaire gave him a smile, half predatory, and half ashamed while he walked towards the door. “I’m back in two hours.” When the door closed behind him, Peter could finally smirk.

 Taking care of Tony’s experiment didn’t take much effort. JARVIS was increasing the temperature on his own, and Peter only had to decant the palladium into the test tube once the palladium started to melt, so he was basically just sitting around, waiting for the billionaire to come back. As soon as Tony would enter the room, exhausted and relieved that Peter took care of his experiment, the Omega would make his final move. But before, he had to up his game one last time.

Peter walked over to a chair in the back of the lab, close enough to watch the palladium in case something went wrong, but hidden from the door, so Tony wouldn’t see him, even if he came back earlier. Carefully, he took out a towel he had brought from home and placed it on the chair, so he wouldn’t leave traces behind. Then he pulled down his shorts and panties and spread his legs to get better access.

The first finger was barely a tease, nudging his hole and playing with the muscle until it gave way, until it welcomed the intrusion. Peter moaned slightly when he felt the wet heat, slicking up for an Alpha that wasn’t even here. The underlying arousal he had felt for weeks around Tony was flaming up, rushing to the front of his mind, and forcing him to savor the feeling. His instincts were strong, overwhelming, fighting him to use a second finger, to spread himself for his Alpha. But that wasn’t Peter’s plan.

Although the anticipation hurt, although he wanted nothing more but to ride his fingers in Tony Stark’s lab, surrounded by the scent of his Alpha, Peter held back. He couldn’t come all over the floor, there was no way the Alpha wouldn’t notice the heavy smell, and he only wanted to tease. Begrudgingly, Peter pulled out his finger, leaving his hole empty and twitching, begging for an Alpha. A frustrated moan slipped from his lips, but he stood firm.

Carefully not to leave proof of what he had done, Peter opened his bag again and pulled out wet wipes and a plastic bag. He cleaned up all the slick that had leaked out and sealed the plastic bag after he had put the wipes and the towel inside. Now the only smell of his arousal was coming from him, faint enough that no one could suspect he did it on purpose, but strong enough for an Alpha to notice.

JARVIS’ voice interrupted his thoughts, announcing that the palladium had reached the melting point and Peter decanted it into the test tube, careful not to spill a drop. Everything was done and all Peter had left to do was wait. When he heard footsteps on the hallway, the Omega bent over the workbench, seemingly invested into his own notes while he presented his ass for his Alpha’s view. Let the game begin.

 Tony’s steps were heavy on the floor, a sign of his exhaustion, and Peter’s guts clenched in anticipation as he waited for the Alpha to notice him. He scribbled in his notebook; equations that looked difficult but were actually meaningless. Everything to appear busy.

“Peter.” Tony was only saying his name, but his voice was so full of suppressed emotions that it trembled a little. The Omega looked over his shoulder, seeing the Alpha standing behind him, his gaze glued to Peter’s barely covered ass. Desire was so clearly written on his face that Peter smiled in victory. He kept staring at the billionaire until Tony’s gaze wandered slowly up. He looked guilty.

“I’m sorry, that was inappropriate.” Tony still tried to hold himself back, but it got harder and harder the more effort Peter put into seducing him.

Deciding to step up his game even further, Peter propped himself onto his forearms, arching his back into the perfect curve. His expression changed, still innocent, but his eyes became darker, hungrier. He was sick of dancing around the billionaire by now. It was time to make a move.

Tony stepped to the workbench to take a look at the vibranium, but he made sure to keep an appropriate distance between them. Peter couldn’t tolerate this. He shuffled closer, masking his attempts by grabbing a pencil.

The moment Tony got a whiff of his scent was clearly visible. Peter could see his nostrils flare, his hands clenched to fists. Omega arousal took over the billionaire’s mind, his instinct screaming at him to take Peter, to mate and breed him. Tony’s morals crumbled, a fight between what was right and what he wanted, completely unaware that Peter controlled his inner turmoil.

“Are you okay, Mr. Stark?” Peter asked oblivious as he turned around, laying his hand on the billionaire’s biceps while his face was twisted in concern.

“I-I’m o-okay,” the Alpha was stuttering, so unlike the strong man he usually was, and in this moment, Peter realized, Tony was utterly at his mercy. The thought was heady, a surge of arousal rushing through his body and he felt new slick dripping out of him, wetting the panties he had carefully picked out.

The new smell broke the last resolve of the genius. With a roar, he grabbed Peter’s hip, pulling him close to his body until he could bury the nose against Peter’s neck, nipping on the mating glands where his scent was coming from. Peter shivered. He had wanted this for years, his Alpha crazy for him, losing his control for him and he took as much of Tony’s domination as he could get.

But as abruptly as the billionaire had snapped, as abruptly he pulled back as well. “I’m so sorry.” Horror was spread on his face, fear that he had taken advantage of the Omega that was too innocent to want this, too pure. Now it was Peter’s time to change his mind.

“Shh,” Peter calmed the Alpha down, placing his hand gently on the billionaire’s chest. “I want it, too. Just let go of the doubts. Let me take care of you, Alpha.”

The words were like magic and Tony relaxed in a heartbeat, allowing Peter to push him towards the couch in the back of the lab. He was mainly driven by instincts now, the scent of Peter’s slick enough to drive him crazy, and the Omega fully intended to use it.

Peter pressed the Alpha in the cushions and Tony spread his legs automatically, giving the Omega space between. It was too easy, and Peter settled between Tony’s legs, kneeling on the carpet in front of him. As much as he liked the game he was playing, his body still forced him to submit to his Alpha, to care for him, so he opened the zipper and pulled out the billionaire’s cock. There was no protest.

Tony was magnificent. He was big, even for Alpha standards, his cock angrily red and already leaking drops of pre-come. Peter’s mouth watered, he wanted to suck it, bounce on it and worship it, but even though the urge was overwhelming, he took his time to appreciate the view. This was his goal, the moment he had worked towards his entire life, and he would make it special. It only takes a blowjob to fall in love, and Tony Stark was already on the verge of falling for him.

Peter watched the Alpha closely when he tentatively touched the hot flesh for the first time. Tony dug his fingernails into the sofa, his entire body tensing with anticipation. He was gorgeous, a picture of barely restrained strength, someone who could protect Peter, who would kill for him. The reaction was fascinating. As strong as Alphas always seems to be, one Omega was enough to take them down.

His fingers danced over Tony’s cock, caressing him slightly without giving him enough friction to be satisfied. Peter needed him desperately to lose his control, until he would fuck Peter’s mouth and dominate him exactly how the Omega longed for. The thought made him feel powerful, the rush of influencing such a dominant Alpha was fueled his arousal.

Peter’s insides clenched in anticipation when Tony growled frustrated for the first time. “Suck me, Omega.” The Alpha’s voice was deep and firm, his morals crumbling with the need to claim, to dominate.

When Peter’s lips touched Tony’s cock for the first time, the Alpha moaned. He hadn’t even taken him in his mouth, just a slight caress of lips up and down, leaving traces on the thick vein that was pulsing with arousal. Pleasuring the Alpha was everything Peter had ever dreamed of. The smell was musky and addictive, clouding his mind and making him forget his plan. Peter whimpered, his lips still attached to the other man and he caught as much of the scent as possible. He felt calm between the Alpha’s legs, his body and mind in sync. 

It could only be described as a tease, Peter’s lips sucking and stroking him, coating him with salvia and making him shine. The anticipation built and built, Tony was barely holding himself back, his knuckles white from the attempts to keep his control, but Peter was on the verge of losing it himself. The billionaire’s cock was beautiful, every Omega’s dream and he had worked for this since he could remember. There was no way he could wait for even a second longer, driven by the need to be closer.

The moment Peter’s lips parted to engulf the billionaire’s cock, Tony lost it. He reached out, tangled his hands in the Omega’s hair, and forced him down, forced him to swallow the entire length without a break. Peter’s eyes rolled back. He loved the thought that he had riled Tony up enough to make him lose control, he loved the thick weight on his tongue and the huge tip prying open his throat. A moan rumbled through his chest, the vibrations turning on the billionaire even more. 

It was clearly Tony’s breaking point. “That’s it, Omega. Open up.” His voice was dark and gravely, demanding Peter’s obedience and ordering him however he pleased. “Let me in. You don’t know what a tease you are, staring at me with those innocent eyes, dressed in the shortest clothes you could find. Did you do this on purpose?”

Peter shook his head as much as possible, not willing to pull back even an inch. He bobbed his head, tears running down his cheeks while his throat clenched around the billionaire’s length. The cock in his mouth felt like a reward.

“God, so innocent, even with your mouth completely stuffed. Do you know that every Alpha is staring at you? They all want you, want to fuck you, but here you are, between my legs. I think that makes you mine, doesn’t it, sweetheart?”

The words were the last straw, everything he had ever wanted. He would have smirked if his mouth hadn’t been stuffed with the billionaire’s cock. He knew all the Alphas were staring at him, knew they wanted him exactly how Tony had him right now, but he had decided Tony Stark was the only one he wanted and he would do anything to keep him close. 

All the skills he had learned through training with a piece of plastic at home were finally useful and Peter took a deep breath before he started to fuck his throat on the billionaire’s cock. It was wet and messy, drool ran down Peter’s chin, mixing with his tears. He gagged around Tony’s length, savored every little noise the Alpha made. It was proof that he was doing it right and he wasn’t even sure anymore if the wetness in his pants was due to the accomplishment of his goal or the way his Alpha lost control. 

Tony wasn’t passive anymore. He fixated Peter’s face, one hand grabbing his chin while the other one was wrapped around his neck, and then he started to thrust. Peter’s eyes fell close in pleasure and he couldn’t hold back anymore, forced to take every inch however his Alpha wanted him to. His fingers wandered between his legs, pulling the fabric of his shorts and his panties to one side, and giving him room to sink one finger in his hole. The whimper he let out couldn’t even be muffled by the thick cock in his mouth.

“God, you’re needy, aren’t you?” Peter could only nod. “A cock in your mouth is making you so horny that you have to fill up your hole yourself? Are you a slut, baby? Tell me, how many Alpha’s have knotted you already?”

The billionaire pulled on Peter’s hair, his cock leaving the wet heat with a plop. Peter felt debauched, kneeling between Tony’s parted legs while drool was running down his chin. He whimpered, his mouth felt empty, hell, even his hole felt empty, but his Alpha needed him to answer a question. 

“No one, Alpha.”

The longing Peter had seen in Tony’s eyes couldn’t be compared to the hunger he was faced with now. “Are you a virgin?”

A bashful smile, a bat of his eyes, and a soft “yes” where enough to coax out the darkest side of Alpha instinct. Not even a second later, Peter’s mouth was stuffed again, and Tony went even deeper with every thrust, taking his throat like an animal. The Omega knew the rough behavior was caused by his teasing and the thought made him preen. His Alpha was losing it for him.

“Such a good Omega,” Tony growled while he was entering Peter’s throat again and again. “Still untouched for me, such a rare treat, such a treasure. I’ve planned to fuck you over the workbench, but we can’t do this now since your first time should be in a bed.” Peter whimpered in protest, he wanted to be filled, he wanted his first time with Tony, but when his Alpha insisted on waiting, the Omega could be content with this for now.

 Tony picked up his thrusts, his hand still holding Peter’s chin in a tight grip. Peter looked him in the eyes, the arousal clearly written all over his face. His mind was blank, shut down so he could just take his Alpha’s cock and he couldn’t even concentrate on the finger in his own hole. 

The closer Tony got to the edge, the louder he became. Obscene words left his mouth, urging Peter to take him deeper, to take him faster. His thighs shook and his cock became even harder until he finally came with a shout. 

Bitter cum was flooding Peter’s mouth and he moaned in pleasure. The taste was heavy, masculine, and although it was the first time the Omega had tasted it, he was already addicted. He made sure to swallow every drop, using his tongue to coax surge after surge out of the Alpha. It was so much more than Peter had ever released, a potent fluid, made to breed. 

Tony twitched in his mouth and Peter sucked him until he was empty, cleaning every inch before he pulled back with a plop. Sitting between the billionaire’s feet was amazing itself, but knowing he was the reason Tony had lost control was even better. Peter smiled dopily at his Alpha, content, although he hadn’t even come himself. 

The first thing Tony did when he got the control of his body back was pulling Peter in his lap. “Such a good Omega, so perfect for me.” His hand wandered down on Peter’s back until he touched his ass, kneading the globes and coaxing a moan out of Peter. The Omega hadn’t been focused on his own arousal, too caught up in fulfilling the urge to pleasure his Alpha, but now that Tony was already done, his own needs came back. 

Suddenly, Peter noticed the slick that drenched his shorts and thighs. He couldn’t remember ever being so wet before and he moaned obscenely when Tony pulled his panties aside to tease his entrance. New slick was dripping out of him, his body was preparing itself for an Alpha’s cock.

“So wet for me, Omega,” Tony cooed and pressed his first finger in the tight heat. Peter cried. He had never felt so good before, never had something else but his own fingers or plastic toys inside of him, but finally his Alpha would take care of his pleasure. The feelings were too much, and Peter knew he couldn’t drag this out, too riled up from the first cock in his mouth. 

Tony was barely moving his finger, only little thrusts that didn’t even require him to pull out more than an inch, but it was still enough for Peter to rush towards the edge. He was bouncing on his Alpha’s finger, taking everything Tony was giving him and wordlessly pleaded for more. The billionaire hit his sweet spot every time, so much more experienced than Peter and as soon as the second finger entered him, the Omega was lost.

His orgasm was overwhelming. It started with a buzzing in his stomach, growing larger and larger until it exploded, leaving him shaking and screaming in Tony’s lap. Wave after wave made him squirm, wetness gushing out of him, ruining the billionaire’s pants. He had never felt anything like this before. Here he was, his Alpha finally where he wanted him and while his mind was shattering under the sensations, Peter knew he had reached his goal. 

He came down slowly, nuzzled against the billionaire’s chest with strong arms that kept him upright. His Alpha pressed light kisses against his temples, told him how beautiful he was, how precious and obedient. Tony even apologized for being so rough, for taking his throat mercilessly during his first time. Peter smiled, too tired to protest while he enjoyed his Alpha’s content scent. 

This was what he had wanted, Tony Stark by his side, losing control in bed, but pampering him after. Saving himself had been worth it, all the struggle and all the work had been worth it because when Tony whispered in his ear that Peter was it, the Omega knew. 

He did it, he won. Tony Stark was his. Peter had caught him in his web. 

#starker #twokinkybeans

[archangelbelletti]

So your mc is a straight fighter girl?

Then avoid writing that she...

Falls in love with an ugly monster

Why do so many movies in which a human falls in love with a monster it's always a straight girl who has a crush on a male monster (Beauty and the beast, The shape of water, etc)?

This narrative reinforces the idea that women have to be pretty but men ... don't, and this wrong for many reasons: 1) men end up feeling bad for wanting to be pretty and take care of their looks, 2) people will think that being pretty is mandatory for girls, 3) a man is ENTITLED to be with a girl and demand she take care of her appearance while he doesn't do the bare minimum.

Of course these stories are not the source of all evil, but you can see patriarchal culture filtering through these stories!

With that being said, you can still write a story where a beautiful girl falls in love with a male monster if: the monster learns how to be softer, take care of themself, take care of her without being possessive or violent.

Never cries...

Not expressing emotion and being dramatic at it will make your character look like they're pretending to be someone else in a way that's pretty unbelievable.

Instead of making her stoic and self-destructive, try making her explore a path of self-improvement by recognizing that not expressing her feelings makes her feel worse!

... or cries way too much

She's a fighter, right? She can't cry when she bruises her elbows or when her boyfriend acts mad, lmao! If she has guts, she will keep having them even during an argument.

Impulsively does something that f*cks up their plan

Apart from the fact that plans that get f*cked up by mindless ocs is just lazy writing in my opinion, let's talk about girls being portrayed as impulsive.

It's an old stereotype of women: the crazy girl, the one who can't think straight under pressure, the woman who can't handle fighting or ruling because she will lose her temper.

Try writing something fresh: she keeps her head, she helps her comrades focus, she plans everything in detail.

Her plans can fail, but only if she's outsmarted by a much more clever villain *winks*.

Is a hero just because everybody else isn't able to do basic things

Being the only fighter in the village when they're starving while her family does nothing but criticize her doesn't make her a hero, sadly.

The definition would be martyr, in my opinion, because she's literally putting herself in terrible danger (to provide food for her family, protect them, or save them).

Try writing her being supported, opening up about her struggles, if you want to rewrite Katniss, Fayre, or Mare Barrow.

Instead, if you want her to be a real hero, she could be elevated from a group of already excellent fighters because she's actually stronger and more skilled than the others!

Swears like a sailor to establish dominance

We get it, she's Not Like Other Girls. Okay.

But 1) other girls are perfectly fine being who they are, 2) this feels pretty fake, a play put on just to intimidate others or to fascinate someone (even if I don't know who besides the mc's love interest in Nevernight would be fascinated by profanity).

I remember not being able to finish Nevernight because of how many times I eyerolled during a single line by the mc (whose name I can't remember).

Your mc can be strong and independent without aggressively swearing!

Nb: I'm totally okay with ocs swearing in books, but everything has to be done with a sense of measure! Swearing a little is okay, using a string of obscenities that would make an assassin blush is just ew to me :/

Has a tiny appetite (even though she fights all day)

This is just pure physics, come on. How? Just... how? She HAS to be hungry! Let he feast with food, have a healthy relationship with it, eat lots and lots of whatever she likes best.

Enough with portraying skinny cishet girls who skip meals when they're a little stressed as okay. It's not!

(Of course this doesn't apply to ocs who have ED!!)

Always has to be saved by Big Beautiful Cishet Male OC

While they are BOTH powerful people, somehow she's always in danger and he has to save her, she's the one who gets caught, who has nightmares of the past and needs reassurance, who is scarred, and (fucking hel!), she's the one who gets sexually ass*ulted, but ... do not fear! Brave Cishet Male is here to save!

Please, don't. If your oc is a heroine, let her fight WITH him. Let her save him, instead. Let her win the battle and the war, conquer the castle, sign the peace treaties, shake hands with rulers, discuss war with powerful people. Let her do whatever he does, too.

Is said to be powerful, actually does nothing but fall

So your mc is a soldier, a thief, the best of her platoon. But somehow she always trips on her feet, she gets caught, she can't escape, she's always out of breath, and people have to save her.

If you say an oc is powerful, show it!

When I read Dance of Thieves, I noticed the author saying many times that the mc was skilled, but her skills where shown only in little things: juggling, stealing oranges, stealing small objects. She was said being a strong fighter, but she isn't, is she? If she is, why does she always lose?

Her strength lies in being sarcastic (but not when she has to fight for herself)

She has a quick tongue when she's with her friends or minor enemies, but when she should talk herself out of a life or death situation she just ... loses her quirk, or it becomes stupid.

Why? Why doesn't this character think of something clever to say to distract the enemy's attention, to buy herself more time, to make them reveal their plan to her? Why doesn't she trick them into saying vital things that will destroy them?

All of this, remember, while staying intelligent, clever. Stop making her judge the enemy's appearance, insulting their group/family/nationality, telling them they're going to lose, making jokes that will make them angrier or trigger them into hurting her! This shit is just dumb, come on.

The world is oversaturated with sarcastic ocs, make some sarcastic, okay, but also clever!

#female oc #writer #writing #fantasy #writing tips #book #tropes #novel #writing advice #writing tricks #writing a book #writing girls #how to write girls #how to write female characters #girl tropes #dance of thieves #nevernight #katniss #draft one #editing #publishing a book #description tips #writing strong female characters #writing stories #write #writeblr #writers of tumblr

[alinaastarkov]

Aaagghhh, I get so angry whenever I think of show people just accepted QITN Sansa without complaint. Like, it was SO RIDICULOUS. We never ONCE saw her making a difficult decision, like we have seen Jon, Dany, and Arya do countless times! In the show AND the books. All they did was her a measly two, TWO, scenes POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS. Shouldn't the armor be re-enforced, it'll be cold. DUH, it's THE NORTH. Shouldn't we make sure we have enough food, it's winter. DUH, IT'S THE FUCKING NORTH. (1/?

THESE ARE NOT DIFFICULT THINGS TO DO AS A LEADER. They really aren't even conversations that need to be had at all. They're common sense. The only other crap she contributed to the season was toss out snarky one liners, throw a couple stank faces towards people she disliked, start cat fights, lie, and break sacred oaths. And from THESE THINGS we're supposed to feel good about her becoming queen? Bullshit. Bull-fucking-shit. (2/2)

I completely know what you mean, nonny. It was utter nonsense, and even the bits they tried to include made no sense.

Sansa has never had to make a hard decision, every decision has been simplified beyond belief so she is undoubtedly the good guy, or it’s been made for her. This happens with Littlefinger, pretty much everyone is fine after the war for the dawn so she’s never called to account for her awful plans, and Dany suddenly turns mad so Sansa was “RiGhT nOt To TrUsT hEr”. None of this actually proves she can lead anyone or do anything for herself. And even those scenes they added to show how “intelligent” and “good at ruling” she was did nothing to prove that.

“Shouldn’t you sew leather onto that armour?” NO SALSA! Who in their right mind would sew leather or furs onto armour? That would not help anyone stay warm because it should be worn under armour (armour is metal, metal is a conductor, furs/leather are insulators and if you wanna stay warm the insulators have gotta be close to your skin) and at that point, there’s no point in sewing it on. Just let the men wear their furs and then wear their armour and stop wasting that poor man’s time with your zero knowledge so he can get back to making more armour and weapons that are gonna save your life! It’s not obvious because it makes no sense! Srsly, her suggestion helps nothing and wastes time when these people could be preparing more in other ways for... *checks notes* THE ARMY OF ACTUAL ZOMBIES BATTERING DOWN THEIR DOOR. Just a suggestion.

And then there’s her “redirect everyone’s food to Winterfell” plan. This makes sense in theory, but the way it’s said also suggests that literally all the food is ordered to Winterfell, meaning if anyone, anyone, stays behind, they will starve to death. And, after the war, it’s gonna be an absolute monster of a challenge to give it back, and that’s assuming she does give it back (knowing show!Sansa, she’ll say it’s other people’s fault for wanting to go home). I’d also love to know how she planned to ration that shit too. History has shown us that when there is a famine/ all the grain is stored in one place, people will try to steal it. Is she gonna execute or imprison those who try? Is she gonna make that hard decision? The show tells us probably not. I understand the idea, but it’s poorly thought out.

Nothing she did was really useful, helpful, showed good leadership or even her idea. Most of it came from other people. The narrative propping her up at every turn didn’t help her in this case, and anyone supporting it clearly has worms for brains. Snarky one-liners (which weren’t that clever) were all directed at her allies, people she needed to keep sweet if she was going to live and hold on to power, the only thing she cared about, and with Dany she didn’t even try to be nice to this woman who had dropped everything to save her xenophobic ass. And breaking that oath, made in front of the Weirwood no less, was nothing short of despicable and power-hungry. It served no purpose other than to put Jon in danger and help her take his crown. It was purely selfish, a quality a good leader cannot be known for, and her rise to power will always be talked about as grasping and shady and anything but honourable. The moniker of “Valiant Ned’s precious daughter” is still firmly with Arya, it seems.

#neve has mail #shut up neve #anti got #anti d&d #sansa stark #anti show!sansa

[saintheartwing]

Lily’s Post about Mary Sues

Let’s analyze this. 

None of those series you mentioned have characters that could be labelled as Mary Sues

Clark Kent, Goku, Luke, Anakin, Kirk.

Okay, a Mary Sue or Gary Stu has to be, basically, either an author avatar or stand-in, they tend to be beautiful or really handsome, have unusual, or dramatic backtories, are “chosen one” types, all of the main characters in the group will love them or admire them and those that don’t are always portrayed as in the wrong for not doing so, this kind of thing. They tend to be overpowered as well and they possess unique, special powers. They’ve basically overpowered, over-idealized, beloved by anybody and if you DON’T like them, you’re clearly in the wrong. Oh, and everything they do is treated as good, and if they DO screw up, hey, it’s no big deal. Any actual flaws are negligible or nonexistent. Like being “Naive” or wearing their heart on their sleeve. 

Let’s take a look at...Superman. Well, he’s got several big weaknesses. Kryptonite, for one. And Magic. HUGELY weak against magic. He IS overpowered and he is mostly beloved by everyone...but he has made a LOT of mistakes. Especially when it comes to Batman. Whenever Batman is involved in a story with him, it’s Batman who’s right, and Superman who’s in the wrong. Pretty much all the time. “Darkseid is dead, Superman.” “You know what Bruce? You’re not always right!” But Batman WAS right, at least technically. Batman regularly beats Superman in several stories. So Clark isn’t always treated as right. On top of that, he does have some real character flaws of constantly being torn between wanting to do more and being afraid of how far he should go. And when you have GODLY strength, that’s a huge exploit, especially for supervillains. But...he does fill a lot of the Mary Sue tropes, so we’ll give Lily some credit. 

Goku? Well Goku is a moron. The story always treats his stupidity as being a huge problem. One that CONTINUES to cause issues, and has even nearly gotten his world destroyed a few times. He’s even gotten himself and his friends KILLED cuz he couldn’t think of any other way but to sacrifice himself or the like. AND he has serious anger issues. When he’s furious, he’s almost uncontrollable. The only person more so is Vegeta. He’s also a pig who eats too much but we can sorta overlook that last one because being a glutton is played more for laughs and “He needs it to keep up his strength”.  How about his powers? Well he’s DEFINITELY overpowered. Is he handsome? Well, he looks pretty good. And he’s well-liked by pretty much the whole main cast except for, of course, the villains. So we could say...yeah. Goku’s kinda Mary Sue-ish. 

Luke? Well...not really. Luke isn’t naturally gifted or talented like Goku or Superman were. Despite having the POTENTIAL to be great, his Jedi skills started out so poor he couldn’t even block blaster bolts using the force alone. He had to train for weeks if not months under Yoda just to get somewhat up to snuff and he STILL failed. “Don’t go into that cave with your weapons”. He goes in. Sees Darth Vader and...oh, wait, it’s HIMSELF he’s killed! You were put to the test and you failed. He can’t lift large objects with the Force. He’s reckless, he doesn’t think things through and he often has to rely on help from OTHERS to succeed. He only got that one-in-a-million shot on the Death Star because Obi Wan’s ghost spoke to him in his head to help guide him. He only got away from the first Death Star because Obi Wan sacrificed himself. Throughout the first two films, he’s just not good enough. He loses to Darth Vader MISERABLY, and he even loses his HAND. A real Mary Sue would have won, or at least held Darth Vader off, or tied. Worse still, he’s not just dangerously reckless and kind of whiny...he’s got a serious anger problem that rises up in the films, he almost outright gives in to the dark side. But other than that, he’s just some country bumpkin who happened to luck out at finding the right droid. All his powers, he basically earned, showing a classic heroes’s journey growth. So that, combined with the huge failures in the first few movies and even if we factor in the sequels and the stupid, dumb decisions he made...he’s not a Mary Sue. A Mary Sue wouldn’t f--k up that much. Or if they did, it wouldn’t be treated as his own fault, or as a bad thing. It’d be brushed off.

Anakin! OHHH boy. This guy is a whiny little brat. I don’t know if people realize this, but...Lily, NOBODY LIKED ANAKIN. Anakin was unlikable BECAUSE he was a Mary Sue. You DO realize this, right? He was overpowered, treated as the chosen one, and he was super whiny at that. But you know what? At least the story treated him doing awful stuff as the wrong thing. Him being reckless? A bad thing. He should listen to Obi Wan more. Him casually killing someone through the back in the Clone Wars? A bad thing, he could have just knocked the guy out or cut his arm or hand off, what he did was murder. Anakin murdering the entire tribe of Sand People that kidnapped his mom, leading to her death? Shown as a VERY bad thing because he slaughtered ALL of them, even women and children. Anakin becoming Sith and killing kids? SUPER bad thing. 

So at the very least, him doing morally reprehensible things is treated as genuinely bad. At least the story calls him out on this. 

Kirk? Uh, Kirk is just a random human. He’s not exactly super strong or super intelligent. He’s clever and he’s fairly skilled in combat, and he’s definitely good looking, but he’s no ‘chosen one’ like so many of the others. Has he got flaws? Yeah, he’s got a temper. And he  flagrantly disregards the rules. And he DEFINITELY is something of a skirt chaser. But he’s not exactly overpowered enough to be considered a Mary Sue. He hasn’t GOT enough powers at all to be counted as one. Plus, when you consider how he died? A real Mary Sue would get a far better and more dramatic death, if they died at all. So Kirk? Ahhh, not really. He’s not a Mary Sue. He’s just not powerful enough to be one and he’s no chosen one. 

But your characters? Well, let’s see. Rey is a chosen one. So is Aliana. And Aliana is descended from a LONG LINE of superpowerful Sith. She’s basically “old money”. It runs in the blood. Pretty Mary Sue right there. They’re overpowered? Yep. Very. They easily beat the crap out of Kylo Ren. Do all the main characters like them? Yeah. And any that don’t are always treated as wrong, like Leia, or enemies, like Kylo Ren. They fit the definitions to a T.

can never be wrong

“So are a lot of characters in popular culture”

Except that’s not true. Superman, as I’ve shown, has been wrong quite a lot, especially when arguing against Batman, or Wonder Woman. Superman having to kill three Kryptonians who had did a literal genocide of an alternate Earth was portrayed as VERY wrong and it haunted him for years and years. Anakin was VERY, VERY wrong. The minute you do mass murder, you kinda instantly become wrong. Kirk ends up being very wrong in the final film he’s in. He doesn’t want to leave his heavenly alternate reality, it’s PICARD who has to convince him to stop being selfish. Goku is stupidly wrong when dealing with Cell, he really screws up and it gets his mentor and a few of his friends killed because he couldn’t think of a better way to get rid of the about-to-explode Cell than to teleport him to King Kai’s moon. He could have just teleported him, say, the serpent bridge, THEN teleported back if he really thought the explosion was gonna be so big it’d take out the entire world but...nope! Then there’s how he handled Majin Buu. He THINKS he doesn’t have to use fusion with his son. After all, Majin Buu has just lost a ton of power! He and his son can beat him normally...then Majin Buu catches him off guard and claims his son. Nice going, Goku, he was weak and instead of doing what everyone told you to do, you whiffed because you assumed you could handle it. And then there was his whole “Okay Vegeta, you finish off Frieza while he’s all Golden”. Big mistake. Frieza does a self-destructive attack that BLOWS UP THE ENTIRE WORLD and Whis has to literally TURN. BACK. TIME to fix this. Thanks, Goku. You COULDA just finished Frieza off like you did last time, but noooo! You had to indulge your friend’s ego. Luke? Luke’s been wrong a ton of times. Even if we ignore the sequels and the stupid way he handled Kylo Ren and hiding off on some podunk island, he ignored Yoda’s advice multiple times, he took off to fight Darth Vader, and he lost miserably. 

Basically, every time these people do something wrong...it is, for the most part, TREATED as the wrong move by the story. That’s NOT the case for Aliana or Rey. Casually killing a guard for harassing a refugee? Cold blooded murder? Not portrayed as wrong. Overkill of guards at Canto Bight? Not even REMOTELY called out, nor the whole “mass forced suicide” thing. Killing Rey’s parents in cold blood when they were unarmed? Barely glanced over. What’s portrayed as wrong was keeping that a secret, not the MURDER thing. SHOOTING LEIA WITH ELECTRICITY? Not even REMOTELY treated as going too far. 

are always victims

“Can’t imagine why a woman who suffers from PTSD writes characters who have suffered trauma in their lives. It’s a fucking mystery.”

You realize though this makes Aliana an author-avatar/stand in though, and that enforces the whole “she’s a Mary Sue” thing, right? 

and bend the narrative to suit their needs

“If they were villains you wouldn’t complain about it this insessantly.”

But they’re NOT villains. When a story has a hero doing this, even when it has a villain doing this, that’s bad writing. Having Leia reasonably point out the fact that the Republic has every good reason to not trust a Sith and Aliana can’t just bully them into going along with everything she wants...and then having Aliana just SPONTANEOUSLY summon her own WAR FLEET to go “Sword of Damocles” on Leia and the Republic? That’s bad writing. It comes out of nowhere, no build up, and exists ONLY to tell Leia and anybody who has a problem with how Aliana’s doing things to SHUT UP I’M IN CHARGE. It’s bullying, bad writing.

Also, those other characters mentioned have other characters who will call out people like Luke or Kirk if they mess up. And Luke and Kirk or Goku will go “Yeah, you’re right, I should listen to you” and they have to change...or at least say they’ll try to. Does anybody in your story do that? Well...no. Because ANY objection to how Rey or Aliana does things is treated as BAD and WRONG because they’re the main characters, and thus everything they do is right, even if it’s morally repulsive and if ANOTHER character shot lightning at a middle-aged woman for a nasty comment, they’d be the bad guy.

Anyway, said my piece. Lily really has absolutely no self-reflection on this. She can’t handle actual criticism. All this is is DEFLECTION and PIVOTING away from your own story’s problems.  It’s very easy to crow about how popular your work is when you dismiss and delete all actual critique and criticism. 

#Star Wars #Sith Resurgence #the sith resurgence #lily orchard #mary sue #fanfiction #fanfics #Aliana #Rey

[jupitermelichios]

So I decided to rewatch Suicide Squad and I have some thoughts...

This isn’t really a review so much as it’s just a series of thoughts and impressions. I will say that while it’s still one of the worst made films I’ve ever seen, it’s never boring, which is by far the biggest sin a film can commit. It’s bullshit but it’s consistently interesting bullshit which makes it better than something like Fant4stic, which is as bad and incoherant but also just incredibly dull. I don’t think this could ever have been a good film, there was too much massively wrong with it before shooting even started to have been salvagable, but I do think it could have been a lot more coherant if it hadn’t been for the reshoots, re-edits, re-edits of re-edits and all the the other stuff that happened to it post production. Unlike something like BvS, I get why some people liked this one.

On that note, while I am going to end on a few possitives this basically a roast so if you don’t want to read about a film getting picked apart, this probably won’t be your jam. But if like me you find critiques of bad movies cathartic, read on. I’m not the first person to do this, but I’ve spotted some stuff I haven’t seen anyone else talk about so hopefully there’ll be something new for you.

All the dialogue is just slightly off in a way that’s hard to pin down, in the way that a lot of comprehensible stuff written by computers and neural networks is just slightly off. It’s got that phishing email or pornbot quality to it. Literally the fourth or fifth line in the film is Griggs saying about the prison rations, “...Everything a growing young man needs like you”, which isn’t nonsense, but is clearly wrong, and a lot of the lines have that quality to them.

In a similar vein, Deadshot’s daughter is written like she’s five or six, but the actress looks about twelve. I actually went and checked how old she was when this released, because I know white people are often wildly bad at judging the ages of black kids and I’m bad at judging ages in general, but no, she was 12 or 13 when this was shot, so why’s she written like a toddler? She doesn’t give a good performance (which is not the actresses fault, Will Smith barely gives a good performance in this and he can do this shit in his sleep, there’s no way a kid could have risen above the terrible script and direction) which makes it even worse, because you’ve got this pre-teen delivering dialogue written for a kindergardener in a way that feel like it’s maybe the first time she’s ever seen the script, and it makes what is otherwise one of the most competant scenes in the movie feel just as off as everything else.

The Joker. A lot of people have written a lot about Leto’s Joker but I want to add two things to the discussion I haven’t seen talked about much before. Firstly, before the electro-shock torture and acid bath, he and Harley have no romance. Like, explicitly, there is no romance, or even cammeraderie there. He’s her patient. She’s his jailer. He didn’t seduce her, he just tortured her until she gave in. That’s literally shown in the film. Even after the torture when she’s now on side he still really doesn’t like her, and not in a Paul Dini BTAS he doesn’t like her but he also wants her around kind of way. He doesn’t want her in his life. He orders her to leave him alone and she fucking stalks him. That’s not even subtext, she is specifically his stalker, because apparently the solution to the relationship being abusive was to retconn Harley into also being a creep as though that somehow solves something.

Secondly, Joker isn’t smart. Not only is he no longer emotionally intelligent (and comics Joker is many terrible things but he’s probably the most emotionally intelligent character in DC, that’s a lot of what makes him so dangerous because it’s how he manipulates people) he’s not intelligent full stop. His great plan for breaking out of Arkham? Some of his goons from the outside literally just shoot their way in to get to him. Even leaving aside the fact that Arkham apparently isn’t set up to deal with that kind of violence in this world despite Batman having been opperating for a decade, that’s not a clever plan, and it’s not Joker’s plan. 'Hope some of my dudes are loyal enough to come get me’ isn’t any kind of escape plan, and nothing we see after that point suggests that this was a moment of weakness. Joker just straight up isn’t very bright in this, which is weird because that’s one of the few genuinely consistent character traits he has. He’s no Riddler, sure, but he’s really smart and that makes him hard to contain.

Ayer made Harley functionally a sex worker in this, and it doesn’t actually matter that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with sex work or that sex work is real work, because David Ayer definitely thinks there is, and also really really hates women. David Ayer hates women so goddamn much. The only thing Slipknot does in the entire film apart from die is hit a woman just for being a woman.

When Waller arrives at Belle Reve, Croc is doing push ups. And that’s fine, it’s a classic movie shorthand for ‘bored prisoner is also fit and strong’, but the actor isn’t actually doing pushups. He’s got one knee tucked under his body to support his weight, and is clearly actually just sort of bobbing his head. What I suspect happened is that the prosthetics on his arms and chest were too heavy to allow that kind of movement, which would tie up with the stiff way he holds his arms throughout the film, but he’s not even bothering to pretend very hard and it adds to this pervading sense of off-kilter wrongness the film has.

Rick Flagg is supposed to be ‘the best special forces opperative this country has’, but he’s... really bad? He’s no use in any of the fights, he’s incapable of working with a team and has zero interpersonal skills, and when he’s assigned to be a bodyguard, he immediately starts fucking his client which is like, bodyguarding rule 1. He’s really bad at his job. (Which would be fine if the explanation was that he’s a fucking psychopath who’s 100% willing to just murder a civilian in the line of duty, but he’s meant to be Hannibal Smith more than Dirty Harry, and also if he is here because he’s a psychopath, why did Amanda Waller assume June Moon would be into that?!) He even has to be blackmailed into joining the opperation, so he’s incompetent, unprofessional, causes unecessary conflict, and isn’t even loyal to the project, so why him and not, I don’t know, literally any other character?

On the subject of June Moon, she goes (alone) on an archeological dig in a rainforest somewhere, finds a cave full of human remains and ancient artefacts, and literally her first action is to deliberately smash one of the artefacts, presumably just to see what would happen? IDK! We never get any explanation for that, but it’s definitely meant to be deliberate and not accidental when she smashes it! Why are archeologists in movies all so terrible?!

People have joked a lot about the fact that the movie changes the purpose of the squad from ‘plausibly deniable black ops, especially on American soil’, to ‘punching Superman’ but kept Captain Boomerang on the team, but there is actually an explanation given. A really really stupid explanation. Amanda Waller says that he’s there because ‘he faced down a metahuman and survived’, referring to him surviving being arrested. By the Flash. Who is famously non violent, and in fact in the next film in the series specifically says he’s never fought someone. So Boomer is on the team because he didn’t die when Flash picked him up and carried him to a police station, and Amanda Waller thinks that’s some kind of achievement. Like that isn’t the case for literally everyone the Flash has ever caught. And Flash is a street level hero, so that’s a whole lot of muggers and purse snatchers who are apparently capable of fist fighting Superman by Waller’s logic.

(On the same note as the Joker, Waller is also now incredibly stupid, but she’s mostly stupid for plot related reasons, so it sort of gets a pass? It gets more of a pass than the Joker at least, because making him comics-smart wouldn’t have necessatitated changing anything else about the film)

Re: Waller’s stupidity, her whole plan for recruiting El Diablo to the squad is... show him a video of him setting fire to some dudes. That’s it. She doesn’t even speak to him, she literally just holds up the video to the little window in his tank and seems surprised when that by itself isn’t enough.

And then when Flagg is like ‘hey let me try persuading him with actual arguments instead of just a weird video’, Diablo’s response is “You think you’re the first person to ask? I won’t do it. I’m a man not a weapon”, which gives us the amazing insight that in Ayer’s version of the DCU, there are apparently just... other Taskforce Xs running around. Other government agencies recruiting metahuman soldiers. So what exactly was the point of the half an hour or so of footage of her persuading the brass to go along with it? Because apparently they’re fine with this if every agency is doing it!

Tone? What even is tone. Griggs both has an antagonist but banter-y relationship with and brings cookies to the prisoners, but also he tortures them and is implied to be sexually abusing Harley, and like... you can’t have it both ways, Ayer. This is a one or the other situation. They can’t have a fun and jokey relationship with a man who is explicitly torturing and abusing them. Tone. You need to pick a fucking tone!

The decision to add a subplot about Deadshot being involved in a custody battle with his ex-wife was a fascinatingly terrible choice, and honestly tells you a lot about Ayer’s relationship to MRA talking points. Like, we know nothing about Deadshot’s wife except that she raised a cute well adjusted kid, so probably a pretty good parent, and that she doesn’t want her daughter to be spending time with a MASS MURDERER! So definitely a good parent! The comics just kind of handwave away Zoe’s mom most of the time, which was the right choice, because Ayer wants us to be on Deadshot’s side here, but it’s literally a choice between "a serial killer but you take credit cards” and a normal loving parent and somehow he thinks serial killer is the right answer? WTF happened in Ayer’s life that he thinks this is a choice where we side with Deadshot?! And it’s not even visitation rights or anything, Deadshot wants full custody. And the film thinks he’s in the right!

Not once, at any job I have ever had, one of which was a tourist attraction that required all visitors to wear a pass, have I ever seen someone wear a visitors pass on their sleeve. Not once. And it’s honestly such a good summary of the pervading wrongness of this film. This doesn’t feel like it was made by people. It feels like it was made by middlingly intelligent algorithms trying to pass as human.

Someone please tell me what the fuck any of this set is supposed to mean. The pose feels deliberate, but it’s not invoking anything I can see except the hanged man from the Ryder-Waite tarot deck, the halo of knives almost looks like it’s pseudo-religious imagery except that it’s not a full halo, the circle is incomplete on one side because of a broken piano, does the piano mean something? What about the babygrows, do they mean something? Does the Joker... want kids? Kill kids? Think Harley’s pregant? What the hell is any of this supposed to mean, and if, as I suspect, it was never supposed to mean anything why the fuck did they go to the trouble of making it?! What exactly does the hours this took to put together add to the movie?

David Ayer has a really weird relationship with both gang culture and latino gang culture specifically. He always feels the need to shoehorn them in somehow, and it’s this weird love-hate relationship where he apparently thinks latino gangs are so cool they have to be in everything, but is also so fucking racist he’s incapable of having a latino character who isn’t in a gang. Also in order to shoehorn them in here, he basically removed all of Joker’s henchmen (except for one scene which serves no narrative purpose) and replaced when with generic racist-stereotype LA gangs.

The fact that Griggs just hands Harley the phone in front of all the other guards and soliders was A Choice. Made even more so by the fact that Griggs never actually pay off. He gives Harley the phone, she tells him he’s “so screwed now”, and then... nothing. He’s just gone for the rest of the movie. He’s not even in the epilogue back in prison scenes.

I fucking love that the first thing Waller does is tell the world’s best assassin her real name. That is just... *chefs kiss* Everyone in this film is so fucking stupid.

I knew it was coming. I knew it was coming and I remembered the line perfectly, and I still had to stop the film because I was laughing too hard for “Ah would advise naht gettin’ killed by her, her sword traps the souls of its victims”. It’s the ‘that wizard came from the moon’ of film dialogue, and no one could have made it work, but the southern accent is really what makes that line delivery. I don’t know why, there’s just something about it in that drawl that it just endlessly hilarious.

It really is impressive how every character in this manages to be an offensive stereotype, sometimes multiple offensive stereotypes at once.

I love how Flagg’s right-hand woman is a samurai with a magical possessed sword that traps the souls of the damned who also isn’t military and refuses to speak English most of the time, but the squad are too weird for him. “You won’t believe it, this guy Boomerage, he’s got these bent stick things, and when he throws them they come back! I am freaking out, I can’t deal with this. Oh hi Katana, trap any damned souls lately?”

Harley is explicitly malicious in this in a way no other version of Harley has ever been, which is a Freudian nightmare when you combine it with her also being more sexualised than ever, and more infantalised than any version outside the Arkham games. Someone get Ayer a goddamn therapist. (Also in the vein of everyone being dumb in this, Harley is now an absolutely terrible psychiatrist and all her diagnoses are explicitly wrong, so that’s fun.)

The fucking pink unicorn-bundle of money switcheroo. There’s nothing to say on it that hasn’t already been said but holy shit. How do you fuck something up that bad? How? It’s like looking into Chekov’s nightmares and finding a pink stuffed unicorn staring back.

I love the way the soliders just come and go in this. Are they dead, are they alive, have they abandonned the cause? Why the fuck knows? Certainly not the editors!

I love how we’re supposed to be really sad about El Diablo being dead, but not care that Croc is seemingly directly underneath the explosion and definitely about to die, that’s fun.

I need to know if it was Ayer or Cara Delavigne’s choice to make Enchantress be just.. doing a little dance. Duing all the ‘tense’ moments. Because there are probably things which undercut tension more than the bad guy having a bit of boogy, but not many.

Enchantress gets so many costume changes, and I want to believe that they’re all from different versions of the film but I honestly think it was deliberate and I need someone on in the design department for this movie to tell me why because it add nothing.

I think the best thing about the stupidly on the nose liscenced soundtrack is that it just disappears once they arrive in Midway city. After spirit in the sky it’s original music all the way until the final scene. The great soundtrack DC stans insist this film has is literally only in the first 50 minutes and the last 2 of a 2hr+ movie.

The glorification of abuse in this is... seriously fucking something else. Twilight doesn’t have a patch on this. 50 Shades of Grey doesn’t have a patch on this. This shit is disgusting, and the fact that they pushed so hard to get it a child friendly rating is just morally bankrupt.

Possitive note to end on:

The dialogue is way too on the nose and exposition dump-y but the scene in the bar works pretty well. It fulfils its role in the story, and gives us a decent dose of team bonding.

Deadshot and Harley have great chemistry, and Boomer is perfectly cast, in a way that makes me really hopeful for James Gunn’s take on the team. A writer who knows how to write friendships could do a lot with the three of them, and they’ve been the core squad since 2011 so they’re the ones who matter. It probably helps that whatever Will Smith’s faults as an actor, you could cast him opposite a housebrick and they’d somehow have great chemistry.

#suicide squad #roasting suicide squad #bad movies #you could build whole academic careers just talking about all the things that went wrong in the production of this film #and some of it was studio interferance for sure #but a lot of it was ayer being incompetant #and trailerpark being incompetant #and kate hawley somehow being incompetant despite being fine on other movies #likewise john gilroy the creditted editor #lindsay graham and Mary Vernieu doing the worst jobs of their respective careers #i'm glad this movie didn't tank the careers of the creatives #and so upset it didn't tank the career of david ayer #how can you write this and fucking Bright and still have a job as a writer #how

[thecorteztwins]

@esteicy-blog “I'm convinced that they didn't even check the wiki page of her comic version when writing her in the mcu because movie Mantis has absolutely nothing to do with what you describe.“ I haven’t see the MCU movie, but I have read a bit about that version of Mantis and they sound NOTHING alike to me either! Comics Mantis is: - Not an alien. She’s a completely human woman with a Vietnamese mother and a German father. She was raised by Kree priests in a temple, but that temple was in Vietnam, not space, and then when she was an adult they wiped her memories so she remembered only growing up in Saigon. She never goes to space until her destiny as the Celestial Madonna is revealed. She MARRIES one of the Cotati aliens, but she isn’t one herself. Which means I think GotG has more POC who are playing aliens than actual POC characters? - Her powers are very different. As I understand it, movie!Mantis is a generic empath. Comics book Mantis had what she described as “empathy with nature” often calling it simply “empathy” for short, but what it actually was was just like...this very vague and generic psychic sensitivity. She wasn’t exactly a real telepath, nor a true empath, nor a precog, but she could feel “vibrations” that gave her clues if something was wrong, get a general sense of a person in a vague sort of way, and just generally gave her really good intuition. For instance, this one time a cop with a split personality had his other personality take over, and Mantis sensed SOMETHING was wrong because his “vibrations” changed, she just couldn’t say WHAT was going on. But more than her psychic sensitivity, was her martial arts prowess. Mantis has such martial skill that she’s able to grapple with Thor and WIN---quickly win, at that! At one point ALL THE AVENGERS try to physically restrain her, and she TOSSES THEM THE FUCK OFF (again, including Thor) She also once kicks Pietro in the face WHEN HE’S RUNNING! Again, this woman is HUMAN, she just has really extreme training by alien priests. - Her personality. Again, I haven’t seen the movie, but she seems kind of...cute and fragile and ditzy and naive from what I understand? Comics Mantis is intelligent, fearless, and very much NOT naive. She’s extremely assertive and serious, she’s not shy or giggly at all. She’s also framed as very intelligent and logical, though that’s more something the writing tries to convince us of than what’s actually on the page. She’s not stupid AT ALL, just we’re told she’s a brilliantly logical deductive mind on par with the Vision, when actually she just mostly makes guesses based on her intuition powers but calls it deduction. She’s definitely clever though, both in a fight and in terms of getting what she wants from people and situations, and how to best utilize her powers. She’s also never unsure in her abilities either; she’s so confident in them that in fact she defends them to others when they think her psychic intuition is wrong, or that she didn’t measure her strike correctly, and BOTH times she’s proven correct. But she’s also not arrogant about her skills either, and in fact demures from compliments. Mantis doesn’t tolerate anyone underestimating her abilities, including allies, and she trusts in herself completely...but she also doesn’t need praise from others either, and doesn’t seem to want it. And the story supports her, there is never a moment where she’s proven wrong in this. Mantis is NOT a character who EVER struggles with control of her powers. Mantis can be great. For instance, when she’s reuniting with the Avengers after having been away in space with the whole Celestial Madonna thing, they’re all super happy to see her. Silverclaw, a new Avenger (who is also indigenous Latina) stands off the side and is left out, because she doesn’t have any connection to Mantis. Mantis notices this, and she immediately reaches out to Silverclaw, putting her arm around her, saying that “Yes, they gather around this one. But this one would rather gather around you.” and explains that she was the new girl once and the Avengers supported her, and she wants to support Silverclaw too. It’s very sweet! Mantis absolutely can be a big jerk. The way she meets The Avengers is that some guys are being creeps to Wanda on the street, and Mantis jumps out to kick their asses and defend Wanda. This is great. But it’s not coincidence. Mantis wasn’t just passing by. She and her boyfriend the Swordsman (a former Avenger) want to join, and had come to the US for the express purpose of joining. So she was probably following Wanda and just jumped out at the moment she knew would make her look best to Wanda, so that Wanda would vouch for her as an Avenger. Mantis shows this capacity to be manipulative other times as well, and in fact in the end she seems to have been just using the Swordsman as a way to get America and be an Avenger, even though she claims to the Avenger that she doesn’t care about being one and just wants to be next to “her man”. She acts like the typical “submissive Asian girl who loves her big strong white boyfriend” at first but the minute she decides that she’d rather have the Vision, who is actively involved with Wanda, she starts pursuing him. She’s a huge jerk to Swordsman and Wanda in the process, insulting the both of them as being weak and not good enough for her or Vision, at first behind their backs, and then to their faces, she and Wanda get pretty catty. Mantis is very adamant that she wants a strong, heroic, INTELLIGENT man, and the Swordsman falls short for her. Which is her choice, but the way she handles it is very shitty to him (not to mention going behind his and Wanda’s backs trying to seduce Vision). He tries more than once to have a discussion with her about it, and she evades him, avoiding giving him any kind of straight answer when he asks her very straightforward questions. It’s not towards the end that she finally coldly dismisses him and tells him he’s not enough for her and that she doesn’t care for him any longer. Even when he’s dying after saving her and she’s begging him to live and apologizing, she’s still frankly kind of a selfish dick about it? She says she used him and that it was wrong and that she sees that now, but she says he needs to live so she can make things up to him. So he needs to live so SHE can feel better, basically, and she’s only feeling remorse in the first place because he sacrificed himself for her. Even after death, he can’t catch a break---she says she prefers the version of him that is actually the Elder Cotati possessing his dead body (I’m still not over that) because its smarter than the original Swordsman was. Ouch. But Mantis isn’t all bad for this! She’s not actually demonized for it at all, to be honest, nor is she punished by the narrative. Her story with the Swordsman is honestly more just a way to get her to the Avengers, then she quickly overtakes him in terms of importance as a character. It’s easy to forget he’s there most of the time compared to her, and he’s got rid of the moment he’s no longer really needed, and the next chapter of her story can begin as she’s revealed to be The Celestial Madonna. It’s the reverse of the typical male and female roles in a story, ESPECIALLY for a white man and an Asian woman. He’s HER prop, he’s the one devoted to her, he’s the one who is cast aside and dies for her as a part of HER story. Mantis also evolves. When she comes back from her journey as the Madonna, she’s straight with the Avengers about why she’s come to them, and she asks directly for their help, there’s no manipulative games. Wanda and her still have a bit of an issue on Wanda’s end, Wanda understandably still doesn’t like seeing her be close with Vision, but BOTH of them work at having a better relationship---Wanda in fact goes out of her way to tell Mantis that she and Vision are separated now, so it’s fine if he hooks up with Mantis (which he does) And Mantis hasn’t said an unkind word about Wanda in a very long time. Being a mother brings a whole new dimension to her. Ben Grimm cracks about how any “red-blooded American kid” would have a hard time calling her “Mom” due to her sex appeal, and Mantis rightly points out that people don’t often think of her as a mother---which is a small but VERY true commentary on how people can’t seem to conceive of motherhood and sexiness in the same woman outside the MILF stereotype---but she is, and she is a very devoted one, and she’s a great mom while also having sex with the Vision even while she also has a “mate” in the Elder Cotati, and she’s not portrayed as wrong for this in any way; she and the Elder Cotati seem poly I guess. And being a mother, being the Celestial Madonna, gave her a bunch of additional new powers, she’s stated to be a GODDESS now, and she ends up being able to TAKE ON THANOS and she WARNS him---”This one is life, Thanos, but hurt her son and she will kill you. That is a promise.” So, she’s a very well-rounded character, she’s very assertive and confident woman with every right to be, while not being arrogant. She’s got some really nasty flaws, she can be cruel and catty when it comes to romance, manipulative when it comes to achieving her goals when there’s not even any need to be, but she also matures and develops. She’s a great mom who also has an active sex life and nothing is shown as wrong about it. She starts out with admittedly very racist trappings---the mysterious seductive martial artists Dragon Lady from the Far East who seems devoted to her white boyfriend--but grows beyond it in spades. I can see why a modern movie might want to shed SOME of that baggage...but making her into a cutesty-poo side character with nearly all her incredible canon powers gone, while ALSO erasing her ethnicity and cultural identity, doesn’t seem at all a step in the right direction to me.

#mantis #marvel #avengers #gotg #guardians of the galaxy #meta #mantis meta #sorry for the novel but I wanted to talk about it #and you provided a very good opportunity #out of cortez

[veryvincible]

The Shitstorm That Is TS:IM and IM2020: The Allegory of Nothing

4 / 4. We’re here.

The writers don’t know what artificial intelligence is.

1 2 3

Let’s go back to the beginning. Jocasta is the robotics ethicist of Stark Unlimited. The company has adopted a system wherein the automated employees are in a non-hierarchical environment. Tasks are “suggested, not ordered.”

And guess what that does? Well, when these employees are needed, this happens:

The majority of them are non-compliant. And what’s the solution to this?

Apparently, give them a phat beat for Tony to kick Fin Fang Foom’s ass to. That’s what Andy Bhang decided to do, but only after following the “proper ethical protocol” when speaking to Jocasta. Which is... saying “please.”

Because, you know, saying things like, “Hey, I need you to do [whatever the fuck]” when a giant dragon is laying siege to your city is... oppressive, I guess. It doesn’t matter that that’s how humans tend to talk to other humans in emergencies, because Jocasta’s a robot ethicist and a functioning AI, and this "proper ethical protocol” is to slow things down with formalities instead of allowing everyone to treat each other like individuals.

By all means, continue to buffer the solution so everyone can say “please.” It’s only Tony who’s out there fighting a giant monster.

I actually like Jocasta. I think she’s a good character in most of the media she appears in. But here? Well, here, everyone is shitty.

It’s glaringly obvious that the goal here isn’t robot... equality. These sentient machines are just free rein. Sure, they work for Stark Unlimited. Sure, they’re employees... but they actually don’t have to do any work, like, ever, unless they want to.

So, they’re obviously not being treated like human beings. They’re practically high-tech babies, which is exactly how you want to present your oppressed group in your revolution plotline. Especially in this political climate! Hierarchy is most certainly oppressive! These robots can’t handle having real human jobs! They’re just so innocent and flawless.

...

And out of place.

Here’s the thing. Dan Slott... doesn’t really know what AI is. These little nano-suits that are coming in to help save the day have no reason to be sentient. Sure, they might be artificially intelligent, but sentient? No.

Artificial Intelligence refers to a computer science field that focuses on learning and problem-solving machines. These machines gather data and use this data later on in order to make decisions. If you use email, your spam filter is a result of AI. Our phones learn how we respond to certain messages (and pick up our diction even out of context) as a result of AI and machine learning.

Chatbots simulate human speech, often by using messages compiled from other humans. The more you talk to them, the more organically they’ll seem to respond. They recycle human messages and send them back.

Deep learning is a more specialized form of learning that more closely resembles how the human brain functions by organizing information in a non-linear fashion with interconnected neuron nodes. This is what leads to the sentience that’s seen in characters such as FRIDAY, and it’s very obviously not present in every machine with AI capabilities. In essence, artificial intelligence is not synonymous with sentience.

So... Why does TS:IM treat these concepts like they’re interchangeable? Why is it that the featured AI revolution is so dependent on the feelings of machines that have no chance of becoming sentient? Again, Tony’s nano-suits could be just that: nano-suits. There’s nothing saying that these suits have to be sentient. In fact, it’s worse if you consider them to be.

If all it takes for a machine to be considered a part of this AI revolution is some problem-solving, wouldn’t Tony’s actual suits also be considered AI? They have autopilot, don’t they? They avoid obstacles. The HUD provides useful information regardless of whether or not a character AI is residing in the suit. 

For example, here’s a scene wherein some researchers are doing a robot stability test with one of these lovable dog-like machines.

Now, I cringe when I see the poor guy get pushed down. But you know who doesn’t cringe? The dog-like robot, because the dog-like robot feels nothing. It’s a learning machine, but it is not a sentient being. Not even a loving heart emoji directed toward its robot savior.

Another example?

This right here.

From combat drones to... coffee makers? Coffee makers are supposed to be oppressed here? What’s a Keurig going to do with sentience anyway? How’s it going to get to the fight? It doesn’t have legs. This machine doesn’t have legs. Or wheels. Or anything.

Because it’s a coffeemaker, not a member of society. And this dilution of meaning with regards to sentient beings also dilutes the message of the AI revolution. It’s not pointed out in-universe how fucking crazy it is for all of these machines to be considered oppressed when they don’t even have the mental capacity to think past prompting “French press or Espresso?” on a touch screen.

There’s also a serious question asked here: What would a sentient machine think about being a sentient machine?

And we have gotten some pretty thoughtful answers out of this. For example, Jocasta thinks she has a soul. And Tony, despite his flesh and blood, is still in existential limbo because of the idea that he might be artificial intelligence after all.

And... the depth ends there, because all sentient machines in this universe want to do is... be human.

Like, really. They want to be human.

The reality of what it would mean to exist solely in one form without ever experiencing what it’s like to be in another is completely swept away here. There’s very little differentiation between robots who want to be humans and robots who want to be robots with rights. Also, there’s very little differentiation between robots who want to be robots with rights and Keurigs.

But really, this is also kind of frustrating. Sure, it could be a nod to certain feelings of oppressed groups who don’t fit in. It could be a clever bit of characterization akin to that of a young Asian-American girl wanting to be white so she doesn’t get bullied in school, or a gay person who’s always wished they could be straight.

Except it’s not, because nothing in this run feels like it’s been thought through to that extent.

Instead, what we have is a confusing mess. Most of these robots (with the exception of some) want to be treated exactly like humans, whether it’s actually better for them as a species (?) or not.

For example:

What makes an AI feel “cooped up?” FRIDAY, from what we’ve been shown, was usually given free rein of the tower. The same way our phones respond when we say, “Hey Siri!” or “Okay, Google!”, FRIDAY responded when she was called on. No matter where Tony was in the tower, she could be there, too.

And also, she was in the suit.

There is no reason that any AI should have to be restricted to one specific place or another, and yet throughout the entirety of the run, AIs are only allowed to be in one place at any given time. Why is that?

Sure, it’s nice to have a body. And if they want a body to go out and interact with the world, more power to them. The body is the least of my concerns.

I just hate that any AI is considered to be a “helpless passenger” at all, when machines the likes of these should be more than capable of not only going wherever they’d like to go within their allowed boundaries (which, again, should be and has been shown to be much larger than “just the suit”), but also going wherever they’d like to go at any time. They can be in two places at once. Presumably, if they’re complex enough to seriously contemplate the philosophy of being, they’ve got the processing power to be on multiple simpler trains of thought at once, and they’ve got the ability to control multiple bodies or project in multiple locations at once.

And even if this were a total retcon, and it turned out that actually, the capability for AIs to be in multiple places at once was never a thing before now...

It’s specifically stated on the exact same page that this is possible.

It’s truly dumbfounding.

And perhaps the worst offender of all: the complete disregard for any kind of philosophy or conversation about what it means to be an entity.

So, we’re all aware of 616 Tony’s current story if we’re reading this. Multiple times in his life, he’s been replaced by backup copies of himself, mostly holographic or otherwise exclusively digital.

And Jocasta treats him like Tony. Or, well, she treats him like a version of Tony. Whatever the case, she’s never shown any hostility toward him whatsoever for being a fleshy backup. This never made him any less valuable.

But... She’d rather let FRIDAY die for good than be given a second chance at life, because if they loaded up the backup, she’d be... missing a week of memories.

A week of memories that made her “a completely different entity.”

Now, I’m not here to lecture anyone on what it means to be yourself. I’m really not.

But the main difference between the original Tony and this current Tony (if we’re working off the assumption that he’s not supposed to have a totally different and fucked up personality) is the “memory loss,” or rather, lack of available data. Functionally, it’s amnesia.

And you know what? The original Tony has this too. There are already things that Tony doesn’t remember because of his time spent as an AI. Essentially, every single Tony that could possibly exist in 616 canon right now (even TonAI, our lovable blue friend with a control freak streak) is just as Tony as all the other Tonys, because they all have the memories of their developmental stages and quite a bit of the time spent with the Avengers, and they all have missing information.

So, if FRIDAY’s one-week-ago backup were to be loaded up, what would happen? Would she be completely different?

No. She would have every single memory that FRIDAY had originally, with the exception of whatever memories she saved in the last week of her life. And yet, because of the lack of critical thinking that went into the writing process, Jocasta decided that a dead FRIDAY was better than a FRIDAY with memory loss.

The writing is lazy. The thinking involved in this entire plotline is little to none. Coffeemakers are not oppressed, and a friend waking up from a comatose state with a few memories missing is better than that friend dying. Not every AI is sentient.

And to top it all off, after arguing for 20 or so issues that AIs are people, too, and every life- even the life of a Keurig or a stability testing machine- is valuable...

Tony devalued his own, concluding the worst AI-centric plotline I’ve ever read.

Whoopsie.

#tony stark #tony stark: iron man #ts:im #marvel comics #iron man #dan slott #iron man 2020

[popculturebuffet]

Comics Corner: Child’s Play #1 “Night of the Living Doll”

S

Happy days before Halloween everybody. While I have an X-tra Spooky treat planned for the day itself, I thought i’d start branching out from X-Men Comics (though that will be my primary focus), with a comic i’ve been dying to read since I found out it existed: The Child’s Play mini series from innovation comic, one of only two series and 10 comics overall starring your faviorite murder doll and mine: Charles “Chucky” Lee Ray. Also contains a slasher off to see who would win between Chucky and some classsic killers because the comic put the idea in my brain. Wanna Play? Then join me after the cut. 

WARNING: This review contains scenes of Gore. While I did try to cut it down being a horror comic about a slasher villain, this was inevitable, Discretion is advised. 

Child’s Play is a horror franchise I absoltuley love. While i’ve procastinated on seeing the DTV sequels, not that I think their bad i’m just a forgetful mess sometimes, and Seed, because no amount of Jennifer Tilly or intresting gender identity issue stuff will compensate for me having to watch Chucky masturbate, I have followed the series for years, afraid to watch it because I wasn’t a huge horror fan at the time and Chucky scared the shit out of me as a kid. Eventually I realized that despite my fear I loved the franchise for it’s thoroughly interesting killer, entertaining kills, and at it’s best great stories and at it’s worst so bad it’s good royalty. Even the Don Manncini, creator of the series and writer of every film and director of three, disowned remake is pretty good if thoroughly it’s own thing.  So naturally a Mini-Series taking place between 2 and 3 that may fit neatly into continuity, this is my shit and i’m so happy to finally read it. 

For the lapsed and unintiated, the Chucky/Child’s Play series, the original anyway the remake is it’s own thing and has it’s own backstory, follows Charles Lee Ray, aka Chucky, a serial killer who in desperation to get away from the cop perusing him after his partner ratted him out, used his vodoo knowledge, because every serial killer knows voodoo apparently, to put himself in the nearest vessel, a doll. The rest of the backstory can be covered as we go as the first issue does a really good job of organically explaning it for the unaware. Granted I don’t know if most non child’s play watchers would be intrested in this comic but it’s a nice gesture. 

This mini comes to us from innovation entertainment, a 90′s publishing company that made tie in comics for a number of things, and from writer Andy Mangels who also wrote Innovation’s Nightmare on Elm Street comics, which Linkara has covered in detail if your curious and which i’ll probably cover myself at some point, especially since this issue made a strong impression on me.  Speaking of which, the mini as mentioned takes place between the second and third films, both of which have their own adaptations that i’ll cover eventually, but I felt the original story was more appealing. As far as I can tell there have only been really three bits of media outside the franchise, not counting the aborted video game: A , from all accounts, terrible endless runner game, this mini series, and another mini series from Hack/Slash creator and former Nightwing Maestro Tim Seely, as well as a crossover between Hack/Slash and Chucky from Seely. And having read said crossover and found it excellent and feeling just like the movies in regards to the little shit, I hope to find the mini one day and share it with you lovely people. But even if I had i’d probably be covering this one first since chronological order combined with the fact it seems that mini dosen’t fit into canon anymore and this one might. Now the exposition is out of the way let’s get to the good stuff. 

Since I didn’t really cover the covers in my first two X-Men reviews, and feel I really should going issue by issue it just hadn’t occured to me, let’s look at the cover. It’s decent, kinda a parody of old horror comics covers or old horror movie covers and a nice start to things.. although frankly I would’ve preffered the splash page instead. 

I love it. It’s a nice little gag, and while the blood splatter is partly nonsensical and looks like Chucky just killed a guy to splatter some extra blood about to make his collection look more badass.. though given who we’re dealing with it wouldn’t suprise me, so it dosen’t really detract. That being said being a burgeoning horror fan and having seen films from most of these franchises and knowing enough about those I don’t from other reviewers reviews, i’d be remiss if I didn’t speculate about if Chucky could win against these other titans of terror. PLACE YOUR BETS BITCHES, IT’S A SLASHER OFF. 

Chucky Versus Micheal Meyers: He’d stab him for the love guru. Easy joke aside the horror of haddonefield does have size and strength, even in his old man version from the recent movie and upcoming sequels, over Chucky and while I thought this would be easily him... Chucky has him in speed and agility. He could climb that fucker and stab him up and down, shadow of colossus style, until even Micheal would have to buckle over, or just as likely set an elaborate trap like 2k18 Laurie. Micheal has some intellegence and a Chuck’s own drive not to give up, but that won’t save him from an opponent who’s faster, smarter and just as piss angry stubborn. Chucky wins.  Chucky Versus the Creature from the Black Lagoon: Chucky. The creature is strong but chucky’s craftier and would poison a lake just to kill a bastard.  Chucky Versus Jason: Tough call. Like Micheal, Jason is slow.. but he’s also 20 times more durrable, stronger and way more likely to get Chucky off him. He’s also more likely to use the environment meaning even if I vastly prefer Chucky, it’s a more even fight and more likely to go in Jason’s favor, as any trap Chucky set would likely get walked off. Jason wins.  Chucky Vs The Phantom of the Opera: Not really a traditional slasher and I don’t really know the version that is or the version that isn’t to be frank, but it seems like Erik could take chucky in cleverness and ruthlessness and combined with having home field advantage, i’m calling advantage Erik. He wins.  Chucky Vs Dracula: Okay 1, make this a movie yesterday Mancini and 2, this is a tough one. On the one hand Drac has mist, a horde of brides, wolves and transformation. If it’s home court, Chucky’s gonna die, especially if the count simply uses his brides to seduce him as Chucky is kinda easy that way. But in the US? Chucky is an onry bastard and Dracula has a ton of weakness, so I could see Chucky loosing round one then coming back to kill the bastard at dawn and anyone dumb enough to defend his coffin. Plus Chucky isn’t alone having Tiffany and the ablity to split himself among good guy dolls, so I could see Chucky creating another army of himself to do a suicide run on Drac’s castle. It’d hurt but Chucky is a vengeful dick. Chucky wins. Seriously Mancni get on this.  Chucky Vs Freddy: Depends on the setting: In the Dream World, it’s likely Freddy as he can throw Chuck off guard by giving him his body back or using former survivors, while in the real world it’s Chucky’s turf but Freddy still has knife hands with more reach than his lumbering opponents, so even with prep I expect Chucky to eat that one, so I give it to Freddy. But honestly I prefer Don Mancini’s ACTUAL pitch for a crossover he’s trying to get happening: Chucky and Freddy meet up, and actually admire each other’s style but realize that two killers in town will dry up all the victims so they wage a dirty rotten scoundrel’s style looser leaves town contest: whoever chops up the most teens by dawn stays. I want that yesterday too.  Chucky Vs Xenomorph: If it’s a facehugger as shown, Chucky, it probably woudln’t be able to bond with him and he’d stab it. But a proper showdown.. xenomorph. It matches Chucky’s speed, ferocity and while not as intelligent is still far stronger and just as ruthless.  Chucky Vs Leatherface: Chucky. While Leatherface has the better weapon and matching speed, Chucky can outthink him. Chucky wins but while I haven’t seen Texas Chainsaw Massacre, against the whole clan Chucky probably woudln’t win.. but would probably throw in with them long enough to survive since he’s a murderous bastard too and as long as he dosen’t have to join in dinner, it’s essentially his MO with help and family. He’d probably grow to either love them or get annoyed enough to kill em all.  Chucky Vs  The Tall Man: Tall Man. The Phantasm Ball is just too powerful and Chucky too vunerable and stubborn for a teamup.  Chucky vs Pinhead: Pinhead. I may be too squeamish for hellraiser but he’s FAR above Chucky’s paygrade.  So overall it’s 4 to 6 with Chucky loosing, but he still put up a far better fight than you’d think. And for funsies before we move on to the actual meat of the comic at long fucking last.  Chucky Vs Ash: Ash. Ash is dumb sometimes sure, but he’s just as stubborn, has dealt with being accused of murder before so framing him won’t work, and unlike the Slashers he’s got a shot gun, which while chucky can dodge, I could see Ash pining him. Dumb dosen’t mean he isn’t clever. However I do want to see the hyjinks that would insue so please, Mancini, do this one if you either can’t get freddy or if you can after that. Please? Okay so with ALLLL of that out of the way, let’s dive in. 

We open on the above, what’s left of Chucky after Child’s Play 2, being reforged into a fresh body. It’s exactly as pleasant as you’d think. 

Maybe he just says that because the sight of him with lipstick gives grown men heart attacks. 

See? Unsuprisingly, that’s one of my faviorite Child’s Play moments. Or maybe he just needs a pair of fresh eyes to stop being so hetronormative. 

I do love this bit, it’s a nice bit of comedy that dosen’t feel too broad and fits right into the franchise, even before the outright horror comedies. And now for you ladies and gentleman and other’s pleasure...LIVE NUDE CHUCKY!

Granted Bride would later retcon in a penis, but given he’s in a third body by then. Or maybe it’s the fact his body gets more human the longer he’s in one, so maybe he grows one or fused a strapon to himself. I dunno. I’m not an expert in Chucky’s Penis. That’s Don Mancini’s job. So Chucky puts some pants on, because wether it’s because you love somebody or want to stab them silly, you put your pants on for them, and wonders if he should wear something more inconspicuous before realizing he’s a 3 foot animate doll.. he’s always going to be conspicuous, another inspired bit of comedy. This is something I like about the issue: Regognizing how ludicrious the two sequels at the time were, Mangels leans into the comedy a little, but without overriding the horror, as you’ll soon see, somehow correctly predicting the direction of the franchise. But chucky made a mistake.. the last page showed him triggering an alarm by accident and well. 

As you can see in a neat stylistic choice, the siren blares over the entire page as Chucky makes a run for it and a mysterious observer sees a slight against god running about, decides cool and follows. He accidently slams into chucky in another funny bit. He offers a ride and while Chucky balks at this weirdo, said weirdo points out that how’s he’s going to outrun the cops otherwise and Chucky reluctantly gets in. And it says something if the guy with a bigger body count than a heart attack still has reservations going with you. The teen says Chucky reminds him of a kid who was in the papers for claming a doll killed some people and his mother who backed up the story, was suspected to have did it and put her in an insane asylum, or as this little shit calls it “Electro-Shock Pallace” as someone who himself is mentally ill, and afraid of asylums and lives in a world two decades removed where mass killings happen often and are often pinned on mental illness, fuck this twerp and I can’t wait for his commupance. Chucky sets him straight. 

See this is why I didn’t jsut do a big infodump on everything right up front, the comic does a good cjob recapping child’s play 1, and 2 isn’t relevant to the plot aside from the intro. They explain things quick and fast and chucky himself gives a good chunk of the film’s backstory pretty quickly once he and shades here get back to his house. 

This is also interesting as even the films haven’t really gone into how Charles Lee Ray felt as he became a doll or if he was conscious when Karen first got him. There’s more of course, and while it’s not necessary to this story, Karen does show up in this series, so i’ll fill you in on where the story went from there, as well as what Chucky left out or wasn’t there for. Here we go... Karen Barclay was the struggling mother of young Andy, who wanted a Good Guy doll for his birthday. Karen, not having much, found one second hand... Chucky. Chucky started manipulating the young kid, offscreen though that just makes it more unsettling even if the mystery of if Chucky’s real or not is kinda pointless when we saw a guy explode himself into a doll. I also like the nod that Chucky knows about as much as the fans do as to why their was a mega explosion. He first kills Karen’s best friend and Andy’s babysitter for the night, which Andy blames Chucky. No one belivies him.. which is understandable.. what’s not is when Chucky kills next, having andy take him to his acomplice’s house and blowing it up, NO ONE seems to question why a little child blew up a known criminal, how he knew where the house was, or why, when the previous crime was done in the home with motive, he killed some random guy. I do love this film but this bit feels especially dumb on the cops part not even bending a LITTLE. But this isn’t a review of the first movie so let’s move on.  Andy is comitted, which as sad as it is to see an innocent child thrown in an institution does make at least some sense so they can find out if he’s really seeing things or not, and Karen returns.. and finds that the Good Guy dolls don’t come with batteries, yet Chucky has been talking like any other toy. As a result we get one of the best scenes in the franchise history if not it’s best, and really, as much as I try I can’t do it justice. Though if you can’t watch in short he does an exorcist when she checks the batteries, she threatens to burn him, and he reveals himself. In long... it’s worth a watch. 

Chucky runs for it, Karen tries to tell Mike who dosen’t belivie her.. until Chucky comes for him. Chucky then heads for Dr.Death, his vodoo 101 teacher, who refuses to help him viewing him an abomination but stupidly left a vodoo fetish of himself around and you can guess the rest. He reveals Chucky can only transfer to the first person he revealed himself too so he heads for Andy with .. this. 

Mancini had to know what he was doing right? Right? Anyway. Karen and Mike find a dying Death who tells them to aim for the heart and who his target is. Andy dodges Chucky and escapes the Aslyum heading home where we get a final confrontation between the Barclay’s, Mike and Chucky, which is damn good and ends with Andy burning the fucker with a badass response to his claim of being his friend to the end “This is the end friend”. This dosen’t quite finish him but a shot to the heart, with Mike to blame, kills the bastard.. for now. Now we’re all caught up, let’s get back to the story. 

Dipshit has called his friends to see Chucky and as seen above, Chucky is wondering why he shoudln’t kill the guy.. but Dumbass has a good point for once: his one friend is studying magic, presumibly at Durmstrang since Hogwarts dosen’t tolerate that kinda shit, and could help summon dr. death to see if they can fix his situation. Granted Death viewed him as an abomination and wanted nothing to do with Chucky, but he might let something slip or have no choice and it’s better than the nothing Chucky has to go on. Chucky gives exposition to Fuckwit’s friends and claims he killed Dr.Death in self defense, which isn’t entirely innacurate and Steaming Bowl of Elephant Piss suggests holding a seance. But one of his friends, Burt, who seems to be the only one to see Chucky for the red flag he is, calls an audible and Chucky grumbles off while they talk in private. 

As you can see, Fuckbucket sets the intellgence standard for his group. However their not SO obnoxious that it distracts from how horrible what’s about to happen will them will be. Except shitty shitty bang bang. Since It’s hard to remember all of the dead meets names i’ll be calling the girl Molly Ringwald, Burt by his name since he’s being sensiable, the moron drinking his own blood Edgelord, and Numbnuts MCGee my current barrage of creative insults. But yeah none of them take Chucky as a threat seriously, which is a nice little meta commentary on how most people think they could take Chucky, even though the guy is nigh unkillable, smart and fast and stronger, if not heavier, than him being a doll would make you think. Burt is the ONLY one here who seems to think harboring a serial killing doll is a terrible idea and thus the only one I respect. And “Most LIkely To Run Into A Wall” has the genius observation seen above where he asks “we’re helping him why would he hurt us”... when he’s already threatned to kill him and has no use for any of them once he has any info they can scrape up, with Burt pointing out even if their sucessful they’ll be responsible for more killing. Sadly he’s outvoted. Seriously while I do like Mangels, I question his opinon on teenagers and horror fans, especially given his long screed about the horrors of the world at the front of the issue and how his comics horrors don’t compare to racisim or homphobia, though the latter is a nice touch considering this was the early 90′s and some horror audiences could be homphobic morons, when the horror fans he portray are a darwin award of the decade winner, a moron who cuts himself not because he has serious issues with depression but to drink his own blood, a witch who goes along with their stupidity, and ... one likeable guy who’s coded as a wuss but is the only sane one here. 

So morons r us, plus burt and chucky, call Dr.Death’s spirit forth in a very moody and atmospheric scene. Naturally it goes GREAT. 

Dr.Death’s form dissolves terrifyingly and awesomely and our morons, and Burt,  are left, literally since they turned the light’s down in the dark> Burt is freaking out and has shards of crap in him thanks to all this.. couldn’t of killed fuckaround could you John? Burt is lead to the bathroom, while Fuckwit and Edgelord head downstairs, Fuckwit heading further down to check the breakers since the power is out for the whole house while Edgelord actually says something smart and wonders what they ALL shoudlv’e been thinking about: Where’s chucky? He has a response in this AWESOME looking panel. 

And here’s where the it dosen’t undercut the tragedy bit comes into play. Sure these kids are kinda dumb.. but most teens are, and they might not belivie he actually killed peope or even if they did, think they can take him as foolishly stated. They had their whole lives to become better people, and Mollly Ringwald and Burt seemed like decent enough people while Edgelord was probably going though a phase. Dum Dum Dumbassigan dosen’t really get a huge repreive but the point is NONE of them deserve to die and they aren’t dialed up to obnoxious, except assface, to be that unsympathetic. Their being stupid sure, but again MOST TEENS ARE or will at least be easily talked into doing something that all common sense says should kill them. And sadly in David, aka edgelord’s case...

Yeah it took a while but I had that gore warning for a reason. And he then decides to fill David with knives. I also stopped calling him edgelord because well. .look at it. The death is horrifying, well drawn and only made worse when Chucky decides to play “pin cushion” and fill him with knives off screen. His next target is sadly my man burt. He does complain A LOT and while a little whiny, given he’s covered in cuts, about to die and was the ONLY ONE here to excercise caution.. yeah he has a right to be. And then.. this happens to Burt in the bathroom...

Yup, THAT just happened. But I like it a lot.. it’s done with style, humor.. but not without horror either. A nicely done little parody. Molly, or wendy as the comic calls her, wonders around the Darkness for a bit.. and then finds David’s corpse.. which I own’t show as holy shit it’s as graphic as it is horrifying. And given what I showed you of his death earlier, that’s saying something.She tells an approaching Moron to stay back.. and well..

In order....... I am so angry at that first panel “I don’t know what happened here....” I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED HERE. 

BITCHCAKES, YOU LET A SERIAL KILLER INTO YOUR HOUSE WHO VANISHED ON YOU AFTER A SPOOKY GHOST TOLD YOU TO KILL HIM OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES. WHAT IN THE STAR SPANGLED, CHERRY COATED MARSHMELLOW FUCK DID YOU THINK HAPPENED.  Second, while I get her logic, Fartnugget isn’t capable of working out basic sequence of events let alone killing a person.  And finally.. there is no amount of gifs that can convey how happy I am at that last panel. 

Wendy goes mad from the shock and Chucky, whos’ been lurking under the table this whole time with a Freddy Glove, strikes. 

It’s no “welcome to prime time BITCH”, but I think Freddy would dig it. Naturally, the glove dosen’t kill her but she snaps her neck.. and then chucky , of all things, calls the police. 

I’ll not explode with rage again btu the david’s dead line tempted me, as HE JUST KILLED YOUR FRIEND OF COURSE HE DID. As for his threat... Chucky is unimpressed. See this was his plan. At least once they stopped being useful. Gee who could’ve predicted that? Chucky has decided to frame ponytailed idiot for it, a real brilliant way of going about things, and to me WHY Chucky is such a threat. Even if you beat him, if you don’t have proof.. he still gets you locked up and then comes back stronger than ever. This ending also actually helps with a plot hole some might have with the series. 

Chucky dosen’t leave fingerprints. He MIGHT as he turns more human, bud odds are he dosen’t, thus it’s easy enough to frame whoever’s left.. though it was neat to see him do so intentionally. Truck Nuts breaks down, Chucky flees and we end on a teaser for the next issue as some mysterious Doctor has come to Karen Barclay with promises to help go after Chucky. But that’s for another day. For now our story is done. There’s also a page for a “Stuck On Chuck” contest, with the winners getting to be in issue 5. Just bringing that up so if I ever get there, I won’t have missed it. And with that we finally close out. 

Final Thoughts: 

This issue is excellent. I was expecting something slightly cheesy and not great, and while there are narmy elements: the commentary on horror being a media scapegoat seems out of place and as I made abdundantly clear on second read the lead is insufferable. His fate is still tragic, but he’s such a moron I can’t help but feel he brought it on himself, but his friends aren’t so obnoxious that you don’t feel bad when they do die, a mistake full on horror movies make too often. The kills are gory, as shown there’s some nice visual flair here and there, and chucky is drawn amazingly, especially for the time. There’s an awkward shot here or there but for the most part the artist really captures him well. This comic is a hidden Gem and if your a fan of the films or even just the first one, I strongly recommend it, or if nothing else as I haven’t gotten to the rest, this issue.  If you liked this review, feel free to like or reblog, and if you want one like it for the issue or graphic novel of your choice, just pm and slip 5 bucks into my paypal and i’ll get right on it as soon as the first week of november. Until then, i’m your friend to the end. 

#Child's Play #Chucky #halloween #horror #comics #reviews #Andy Barclay #Karen Barclay #freddy kruger #leatherface #jason vorhees #phantom of the opera #the creature from the black lagoon #dracula #pinhead #the tall man #xenomorphs #alien #don mancini

[slothcritic]

Dragon Ball Z Abridged - Episode 9 Review

Consistently funny. The weak points do not drag this episode down.

The Set Up begins with a great cold open. Piccolo is drop-dead unconscious on the ground, Gohan is desperately trying to wake him up, and Krillin is anxiously awaiting for Goku to show up. After all, he’s their friend who would never let them down right? Meanwhile... Goku is busy eating at Jadoshin's palace. Even as a departure from the original series, I like the idea that the two of them made up and are friends now. Jadoshin, however, has to remind Goku about the Saiyans. Goku then runs out in a panic.

[Title Sequence]

Piccolo isn't getting up and Nappa needs a new toy. He chooses Gohan seemingly at random from the two remaining, and floors him in one kick.

"Wooo! Not me!"

When Krillin isn't being the resident Milhouse, he's the rimshot comedian. The joy doesn't last for much longer though, as Gohan stays down.

Nappa is about to tear Krillin a new one, when the bald monk suddenly screams out that it's his turn. And for some glorious reason, this actually works on Nappa. This is some straight up Looney Tunes, "Duck Season, Fire!" type tomfoolery.

Vegeta does not handle Nappa's stupidity very well, and in his anger does a fourth wall break where he references a timestamp in the video. This is kind of clever and a bit of a break from the other fourth wall jokes that they've done so far, but I feel like it could lose its charm if it's done more than once. As for the timestamp itself, which is at 9:18 in the video... we'll get to that later.

Krillin decides to use the Destructo-Kienzan, and Vegeta shouts a warning to Nappa that it's a trick.

"But Vegeta... tricks are for kids."

The tense background music just completely stops here, but you can still hear the vibrations of the kienzan in the background. Great sound design. The long pause afterwards is also well timed, and Vegeta takes up the "fuck it, you wanna die, then die." mentality with Nappa. This skit is succinct, well paced and well editied.

Nappa receives a deep cut to the face for his troubles, as it just nearly takes his head off. Nappa laments his modeling career, and the scene cuts to a photoshopped rendition of Nappa on Vogue magazine. The bald, beautiful Saiyan, and his 10 tips on being a better lover!

This might have been a joke before its time, or perhaps the intention was different while writing this in 2009, but Nappa shows us all what a "nice guy" he was trying to be during all of this, and now decides "okay, full ultra-violence it is!" and fades Krillin with a white sparkly angel dust attack. I'm sure it has an actual cool sounding name (Like "Galaxy Breaker" or something) but I'm going to keep calling it the white sparkly angel dust attack. The owned counter ticks up to 8 here, but it doesn't feel deserved.

Piccolo jumps up with an "I'm back" and shoots Nappa... in the back. He sees what you did there. Just as Piccolo and Nappa are about to throw down, Gohan appears out of nowhere and roundhouse kicks him through a boulder. More indication that Gohan has some incredible hidden power inside of him. This surprises Piccolo, and Gohan is initially apologetic, but Piccolo begs for him to stay angry before Nappa just as quickly hops back to his feet.

It turns out Gohan hit Nappa so hard that he turned Italian. Seems a little out of left field, but why not. The "I'm a firing my laser" reference is perhaps the most dated thing I've seen since Episode 1. Would this even count as a meme? Wasn't "Firin Mah Laser" something that came out before the word meme even became popular as a way of describing internet fads, jokes, templates and trends? Back when Demotivational Posters and I Can Haz Cheeseburger ruled the internet? Truthfully, I loved this joke when it came out, but now all it does is remind me of the proto-internet days. And part of me feels weird for being nostalgic about that, because I just know someone in their 30's is going to read this and roll their eyes saying "Oh God, I'm getting old", in much the same way I'll feel horrified when people start to become nostalgic for Fortnite in the next 10 or 20 years.

Back to the episode, Piccolo's sacrifice happens right about here, and the scene does a good job of pointing out a plot contrivance in the source material. Piccolo could have just grabbed Gohan and moved out of the way. Though the scene plays up the amount of time Piccolo had to work with, there was still nothing stopping him from just grabbing him and chucking him like a bag of potatoes out of the way, even in the original. However, if Piccolo doesn't die, there's no real reason to go to Namek. What I think might be a more practical reason is that, this is a turning point for Piccolo as a character where he starts thinking emotionally. It's no real secret across both the canon and the abridged material that Piccolo is actually a pretty decent parent. So this right here is the idea of Piccolo more or less abandoning rational thought and considered only protecting Gohan. That contrasts a little with the ruthless, methodical, cunning, intelligent character he's been shown to be, just to throw that all away to save him, but the contrivance definitely becomes less egregious when you consider these factors.

However you want to address it, then end result is that Piccolo sacrifices himself to protect Gohan. In the original this is capped off with Piccolo comparing Gohan to his son, which is what Gohan begins to explain before Piccolo calls him a nerd. In this series however, Piccolo laments one final time:

"Why... didn't you... DODGE!!!"

Bleh. And with Piccolo's death, Kami is soon to follow. He explains the Namekian Dragon Balls to Mr Popo, and the long (very long) journey that must be undertook in order to revive everyone, but Mr Popo outright refuses and simply reminds Kami of the pecking order. Kami dies, and thus the Dragon Balls become inert.

Back at the battlefield, Vegeta was busy reading an issue of that very same Vogue magazine with Nappa on the cover and thus didn't see him kill Piccolo, like a mother three sangria's deep at her kid's soccer practice.

I've never much cared for Gohan's exasperated expletives in this or any scene in DBZA. This one in particular doesn't sit well with me simply because they went to the effort of being purposefully verbose but then still chose to use the word "condom" over "contraceptive" - A condom is made of latex, whereas a contraceptive is any kind of device at all that prevents pregnancy. As an example, some of the first contraceptives in history were made from linen and animal intestines, while the condom itself wasn't invented until 1855. Gohan specifically saying he's going to use Nappa's intestines as a condom serves the same purpose either way, but “contraceptive” would’ve been more technically accurate, in a bit of dialogue that is purposefully trying to be technically accurate. I wouldn't be picking on the semantics so much if that weren't the express purpose of this entire scene. Also it has more syllables and therefore sounds more smarterer.

Nappa gives this scene the backhand and the "bitch please" it deserves and we're done with that.

"Everyone important to you is dead." "Hey I'm still alive--" "EVERYONE important." "...Damn it."

See, this is where the Krillin Owned count should have gone up.

After Nappa doesn't smash, Goku appears on the battlefield. His reaction to showing up too late and everyone being dead is uncharacteristically deadpan, and it's hilarious. He asks where Chiaotzu is, and Krillin gives him the Achmed the Dead Terrorist explanation. Over there, over there, and up there. I'm not actually sure if this episode predates Jeff Dunham or not, but I enjoy both, both used the same joke at least once, and both make me laugh so I'm drawing the comparison anyways.

Goku asks why everyone is dead and Nappa immediately and without hesitation calls dibs. This leads into one of most famous and iconic scenes, if only for meme reasons, in all of DBZ.

"Vegeta, what does the scouter say about his power level?" "It's... 1006." "Wha-- Really?" "Yeah. Kick his ass, Nappa!"

Not gonna lie, this genuinely made me burst into laughter the first time I saw it. I don't know if it was just shock value or what, but it doesn't have the same effect now that I know it's coming every time I rewatch this episode. I just love the idea of the scouter being upside-down and Vegeta not questioning it. An even better headcanon is that the scouter was never upside-down, Vegeta was just getting tired of Nappa's bullshit and just decided to send him into an ass-kicking anyways.

We're treated to a solid 15 seconds of Nappa getting completely curbstomped while the various characters look on in shock and awe, until Nappa gets dumped at Vegeta's feet.

It's also here that Vegeta finally learns that Piccolo's life is directly intertwined with the Dragon Balls. I believe this was already established in the original series, but no such conversation ever occurred here. Vegeta has quite simply lost his chance at immortality and it’s all because of Nappa.

I actually wonder how an immortal Saiyan would work. They receive a Zenkai boost, which makes them stronger when they almost die, but if you can't ever die, you can't ever “almost” die either, so you wouldn't get the Zenkai boost and your power wouldn't increase that way. Then again, most expectations of logic or consistency within Dragon Ball are pretty much always doomed.

Speaking of doomed, remember that timestamp at 9:18 that Vegeta referenced earlier? Because Vegeta certainly does, and with both the camel’s and Nappa's back having officially been broken, Nappa is sent to the shadow realm in a blinding flash of light and a massive explosion.

Vegeta's smirk is all we needed to close out this episode. There is no stinger.

Conclusion

Really good episode, actually. I wouldn't consider it as strong as Episode 7, but it definitely holds the same energy throughout. There are more high quality comedic moments in this episode than I could count on both hands. At worst some of the dialogue was uninteresting, pointless or overproduced, but the average pace of this episode rests rather highly compared to its valleys.

Microphone quality and sound mixing on some pieces of dialogue is still meh. Krillin's first line in this episode peaks the audio or something similar, because it takes me out for a hot second just because it's so sudden and emphatic.

We also see a slight evolution in the dynamic between Vegeta and Nappa which keeps things fresh. This is becoming less of a deadpan snarker and over the top clown, treads more into the ticking time bomb territory which is great for slowly building tension, and not unjustly as it has a satisfying payoff.

Plot holes in the original are addressed and lampooned here, creative jokes such as the Vogue Nappa and “1006″ are present and accounted for, and on the whole there's a lot of very on the mark humor, and only some of it is overdone. The story for this episode also holds significant weight and momentum, and it all blends together quite well with an above-average script and some great visual and audio edits.

Score: 77

Passing Thoughts

"Riiiiiicola!" - Oh hey, it's this again.

"Oh and I totally killed that guy. Oh well, at least we still had fun getting here, right Vegeta? Vegeta? Remember the bug planet? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vegeta? Vege-- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!"

#slothcritic #DBZ #Dragon Ball Z Abridged #TFS #teamfourstar

[tinkdw]

14x01: watching notes / mini meta

This episode is just like one long tick list of previous meta and I love it even if the actual ep itself was slightly bland with a few niggles, the thematics are so exciting for what it means for the show overall and the characters we love. Here’s my watching notes / mini meta short versions of the themes, (previous longer meta’s on each theme are linked with x or underlined sentences). Here we go!

I called the Angel wings, yay!

Opening song: shot down in flames by AC/DC. A song about unrequieted romantic feelings. Lmao. OK, good start...

- Dean screaming at Sam “all I see is everything we’ve lost” - cuts to just Cas dying. OK. Thanks for clarifying that meta from last year up for us Dabb ;)

- That freeze frame tho. Even shortened it’s still terrible. Stawp.

- Cut to Sam in the car, this is like the one with Rowena where it went from the opening song to her in the car and I love it, please do more. Oh, bonus if we can get one where Dean does it and he looks at the camera like he’s on the office and switches it from something rocky to, like, Miley Cyrus :p

- The point of the Jamil scene, whilst in itself it is divisive and has offended some viewers (and I do not condone that but I write meta so here is the meta), was clear re: Michael. Showing that Michael essentially is that asshole who doesn’t care how much you redeemed yourself and now are trying to do good but says you want selfish things and remembers that one time you did something wrong 8 years ago and won’t let you get past it. He also enjoys putting words in others’ mouths and judging them from above because he somehow thinks he is some all knowing, all judging clever clogs (and better than Gabriel, pfft he doesn’t even know our Gabriel but just assumes he’s better, ok then...). He’s a self absorbed, self assured, arrogant, genocidal, doesn’t give a shit about humanity wanker with a chip on his shoulder having inherited some power from his daddy he doesn’t know what to do with and has only shown so far that he can balls it up royally but somehow thinks this time, this time it'll work cos he’s oh so intelligent and right. Oh look, Michael is Trump.

- “A better world”. Well I’ve talked about that a lot previously, how this links to the other extreme end of the MoL, essentially we have the MoL at one end telling us the world can only be better if you remove anything supernatural and Michael at the other saying it can only be better if you remove anything natural. Longer meta on these and how they also link to John and the season 1 onwards black/white to grey area progression here: x and x  Dabb is really hammering home the grey area / balance themes in the middle for endgame and I love him for it.

- DEAD MANS BLOOD BULLETS what a great idea! I’ve not seen anyone comment on this yet but honestly, this is up there with salt hoolahoops and exorcisms saved on your phone ;)

- Sam “chief” Winchester. I’m living. I mean let the dude take a nap but the concept and symbolism of him as the leader, taking charge of the hunters and the bunker, Mary as his lieutenant, everyone looking up to him with respect because of what he has done and who he is rather than out of fear or duty... I can’t express just how much I love this and am grateful it’s as blatant as it is.

- Castiel gets kidnapped and used as “bait” (yes there’s like 5 layers of symbolism here and I hate/love it) and the whole thing with Sam telling them there’ll be no king of Hell goes down in Detroit. Yeah sure tell me Dabb doesn’t care about mirrors and previous canon references, parallels and subversions ;)

- I just can’t even with Sassy!Cas *rolls eyes* *uses “GOD” as a blatant blasphemy* is just so human, being so done when Kip makes his stupid OTT grand entrance whilst Cas is calmly sat in front of the fire pit and then tells him he’ll burn him to ash. YES MY SON.

- “Joined at the... (Dick)”. Yes Kip I get you, everyone does, literally everyone thinks they’re boning, cos duh, but you see they could actually have an ounce of happiness within the chaos if they weren’t so bloody miscommunicative and self hating that they haven’t even admitted their feelings let alone touched each other yet below the shoulder. But yes, please, do join the hoards of characters on the show who assume they are a couple. 

*Tink stares into the camera*

- The less said about Michael’s puny ass winged ‘twuform’ the better. Yes it looks like a pigeon with disproportionally tiny wings, yes it looks like Dean bent his halo (lolz) but aside from the humour there’s nothing good about this.

- Michael: Dean said yes for love. Ah yes. The power of love. I love to be reminded that this whole show’s premise since the pilot is love. Thanks Satan.

- Michael thinks Anael is everything Cas is. “The rebel, the Angel who doesn’t like playing by Heaven’s rules” I mean jeez, like a hammer to the face much! Well, Danneel said she did want to play Castiel so ;) x and x 

- Tbh I also got massive self reflection vibes here off the next part on performing!Dean and I just love how all this comes out of Dean’s own mouth, it’s just so symbolic. Every time Michael says something it seems to be a reflection on John or Dean or daddy issues of some sort.

Re: Performing!Dean: “You pretend to care about these things... pretty things, but that’s all it is, pretending. These trinkets, they don’t make you happy they just pass the time, they’re not what you really want”. *Tink stares at all of the meta on Performing!Dean repression by overcompensating, especially with sex to pass the time and try to alleviate his mood with women, especially since season 7, every time Cas is gone and he’s pining*.

- What do you really want? This basically works for both Dean and Cas (and Sam too to be fair but he’s not been mirrored previously so I’m going with the symbolism here being most relevant to Cas mirror Anael and Dean whose literally saying it through a veil): “love, to belong, to have a place a home a family... it’s very very human”.

- *Cough* blatant easy link and exposition of endgame Human!Cas and Nonperforming!Dean. *sends Dabb a giant fruit and donut basket*

- Cleary the theme of season 14 is “what do you want” just as season 13′s was “who are you”. Excellently linked themes.

- Sam is just going around all episode fixing other peoples issues and taking no time for himself, he needs a friend and a nap.

- Jack is actually not doing badly considering and I’m so happy they made him sad and angsty without being an annoying whiney teenager (I do have an issue with how Claire was made into this and am annoyed with the m/f difference but sigh, clearly they were trying to do something better with WS. Sigh again).

- I actually kinda loved the Sam / Nick scene. Since it was clear Mark P was coming back (literally why Satan) I made peace with it and expected Nick and I hope they continue with it as well as I think it started. Mark’s little gestures of itching and wincing really helped with the overall feel here so through gritted teeth I say kudos. Jared steals the show though at his own minute facial expressions and the deep meaning of this scene for him, I’m sure he enjoyed acting this immensely as he’s always cared a lot for the Sam/Lucifer storyline and it’s closure. Obviously it’s got implications for Michael!Dean so let’s see what happens. Sam was amazing obviously, man, I just... really hope Bucklemming don’t fuck this up as Nick’s likely their play thing. Fingers crossed, it’s off to a good start.

- If they really do follow through on this really cack-handed obvious “we can kill Michael by stabbing Dean and save Dean” story then I’ll be really fucking disappointed. This is lazy and too obvious, it also negates all the possibility for the Dean/John mirror from 2x01 with John angry at them for not killing him to kill Azazel and thus leading into Dean’s blatantly exposed self worth arc throughout the season while he struggles to feel worthy of being alive at the potential expense of the world, with his family telling him he does deserve to be saved (>...>). I mean... I just can’t really get my head around this not happening? Or it being so frankly badly written if it is? It feels more like a red herring to me, like, a giant red herring. If it doesn’t happen like this and they just stab Michael with the shittyretconblade then I’ll be shocked. Though I’ll be less shocked if it’s in the Bucklemming episode and I’ll attribute this to their shitty writing and Dabb really having zero fucking says in his own show anymore and the whole thing going downhill moving forwards. So either way it’s bad. So fingers, toes and everything crossed this isn’t what happens.

- The fact that Cas knew Sam would come save him gives me so many happy feels whereas I feel only a few seasons ago he would have said he’s not worth saving / why would Sam bother. He trusts Sam and he believes Sam loves him. Happy Tink.

- “He just told you he’s a demon?” “Yep”. I love Sassy! Sam.

- Bait. It’s kind of what you’re for isn’t it? I just... That was so hilariously triple, quadruple, whatever, entendre... bait for the audience, bait for the Winchesters, bait associated with fish as Castiel usually is, just, it made me laugh out loud and @bluestar86 looked at me like I’d gone nuts but I loved the cleverness of it. Though also fuck you Cas is more than bait ;) I mean Dabb knows that he loves Cas he’s being tongue in cheek but yeah, this made me chuckle big time.

- Michael has been to see Kip and it again hopefully will be a continuation of the theme of Michael being so black and white he turns grey people black or white. I’d love to see an opposite where his asking this question of what do you want actually makes someone choose to do the right thing.

- Mary “I have to think about the good Sam, because if I don’t I’ll just drown in the bad, for Dean’s sake I can’t do that, we can’t do that”. Wow. Mary ploughing on, seemingly cold to others until she’s probed, revealing her internal emotional struggle, forever threatening to overflow and the actual drive for her actions that in full circle are what makes her come across as uncaring. If this isn’t Mary’s whole arc since her resurrection in one sentence. If it ain’t also a massive TFW mirror. IN ONE SENTENCE. GOD I LOVE ANDREW DABB OK?!

- Bobby re-emphasising the family theme to Jack in the impala, reminiscent of Jack telling the Winchester’s they are his family in the impala last season.

- Equating Sam to Beyoncé for his glorious physique, hair and overall legend / icon status is just A. Brilliantly hilarious and reminding us how great Sam is but also B. So cool to give zero shits that Beyoncé is a woman and is just as capable of being a role model for a guy. Kudos Dabb. C. I just imagine Cas looking on like but I’m Beyoncé! ;)

- The fight scene is just too embarrassing, that knife flip between Mary and Sam is so 80’s bionic man and more wires like, my dudes, my guys, stawwwwwwp. I’m also annoyed tbh that Maggie is for some reason a young, relatively helpless and hapless girl rather than being an AU survivor and hunter. Like, why even bring her from the off no questions asked while questioning Jack, if she’s so helpless she’s hiding and gormless to the point Mary had to actually ask her if she knows how to stab someone. This is weird and I hope they’re going to show her developing cos urgh. wtf.

- Cas is “still breathing” after fighting like a human and being all bloodied up like a human without healing himself. straight into the #human!cas tag. 

- Callbacks to Crowley and as @bluestar86 said Kip just reminds us of another demon dude from 14x08 and this is totally true, “Barthamus call me Bart" and “Kipling call me Kip”. What’s next, “Judas call me J”?. 

- Sam’s “enough!” 

is the best moment of this episode hands down and I am excite for this symbolism for his character growth. I don’t personally think this is at all him declaring he’s King or Regent, he’s just asserting his very puny human authority, albeit as the one time could have been ruler but he isn’t and doesn’t want to be, and regardless the demons fear him for who he is as Sam Winchester not as a potential king. 

BOOM> Sam Fucking Winchester amiright?!

He’s feared by demons because of who he chooses to be as a person and he’s respected by humans for who he chooses to be.

It’s a total mirror opposite.

It’s a bookend. 

I LOVE it.

DAMN DABB.

- Cas supporting Sam, the only one who really asks how he is, is such brother / best friend goals. Sam being honest about his feelings and the opposite mirror of Cas deflecting from his own when Sam asks how he is in return is painful. Please Cas, tell us what you want.

- “Sunshine”. OK but literally the whole point of that scene was Bobby calling Mary sunshine while flirting with beer bottles. Nothing else happened. It’s like Dabb is literally wielding a Destiel subtext hammer and bashing it into canon in new and interesting ways every moment he can at this point when they’re not even in the episode or scene. I’m reminded of David/Violet. I wanted Mary/Bobby Destiel parallels and we got it in episode 1. Excellent.

- Cas and Jack have their deeply meaningful mirroring scene about feeling human whilst both sporting mirroring injuries from mirrored wounds and both being punched in the face. (Dabb loves mirrors so much I may send him a fruit and donut basket with a great big mirror inside too for shits and giggles). 

Cas and Jack’s scene is yet more exposition that neither are valid due to their powers but valid and loved for who they are. 

Just as Sam is feared by demons and respected by humans for who he is not due to any demon blood or destiny. 

Just as Dean is loved and will be saved by his family because of who he is not how useful he is as a tool.

I’m reminded of my tag #season who we are 13 because that was so set up in that season from Dabb’s own premiere, showing just how much he does hark back and have a clear and consistent thematic overview of his story. 

You may by this point see why I’m quite so done with the Dabb bashing on SM this week? How it’s totally inconsistent with the actual canon of the show? That he clearly knows exactly what he’s doing thematically even if he’s not so hot on small details and Bucklemming/Singer take turns dumping a turd into his and the others writers’ pot of gold every now and again? Yeah, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

- LET SAM SLEEP 2k19!!!

#spn 14x01 #tinks meta #watching notes #supernatural #destiel #supernatural meta #dean winchester #sam winchester #sam fucking winchester #castiel #mary fucking winchester #mary winchester #im an idiot and forgot to put a cut in sorry everyone!

[fymagnificentwomcn]

If you were the writer or season 2 and if "Farya" didn't exist .. How would've you portrayed Ayşe's character and her relationship with murad and with kosem ? (Sorry for my horrible English)

Hello! That’s such a good question, thank you.

I remember how the fandom was divided by “ship wars” when MYK s2 went on air, but personally I wanted to see more of a partnership than an epic love story. That’s way more realistic and interesting to me as a viewer; I think the rivalry and the unnecessary romance was one of the reasons why the plot for season 2 ended up getting wrong in a lot of ways. They had a good show and a rich account of past events, it didn’t make sense to do the ‘history-repeats-itself’ they decided to go for. I mean, when you watch episode 1 you see all the wasted potential in Ayse’s arc, it’s just sad. 

So with this in mind, I still stand by what Margot and I talked about a while ago and she decided to make this amazing post. In details this represents everything that could have been in Ayse’s storyline. Hope it helps. :)

- Mai

 I agree with Mai - Farya brought nothing of importance to the show despite all the screentime she occupied and all efforts of screenwriters to make us love her.

The fact that we know so little about Ayse and Ayse/Murad relations offered writers a lot of creative license and as such opportunity to bring something fresh to the table.

Getting rid of Farya and all her nonsensical plots would be the first step, of course. Show me a Farya-related plot that made sense and had actual meaning for overall storyline - there is none. 

Second, now it is time for small digression - I find the repeated romantisation of slave/master relationships that often includes fairytale elements to be the biggest flaw of both shows. The shows did well in being critical about many aspects of pathologies of that system to the extent that is hard to find in other shows on the Ottoman Empire and which even made Erdogan angry (compare with MBCF with all its super!Mehmed stuff, and I don’t even want to mention TRT propaganda shows), but when it comes to (especially long-term) trauma of women who suddenly lost everything and became slaves used for reproduction and sexually pleasing a man for whom they were captured, they did very badly. They even portrayed the trauma of male slaves better thanks to a complex portrayal of Ibrahim’s character in the original MY, with the lingering trauma contributing heavily to his downfall.

Instead of trauma, we have too many master-slave romances. I can only recall Sadika crying after Suleyman forced her to sleep with him back in MY S1. Usually after a night spent with THE GUY concubines are shown to be on cloud nine. And in some cases it turns into love and if life’s not perfect that’s not because of any long-term trauma, but only because of power struggles. Sometimes they even portray what pretty much has a lot of out-of-textbook elements of Stockholm syndrome to later not acknowledge it properly  because of rushing though the plot and messy execution, see Nasya going quickly from “I’m not anyone’s property” to “I belong to him” because she needed to stay because of pure motives. I get it now more what they wanted to convey, especially in contrast with what we’ve seen later and the darkness of the ending, but still.. you could have done it better. Man, even Christian princesses want nothing more but to become the Sultan’s mistress (lbr Murad wouldn’t have married Farya without the attack). A lot of salt, yes, but this issue bothers me a lot and I had an Anon on fatihdaily expressing such worries too (thank you for an excellent ask, Anon!).

Back on track a bit - even if some of those women eventually developed affection for their masters because it was their only chance for some love or due to Stockholm syndrome (remember Safiye’s “only love may make living in this palace bearable” - if this does not clearly point to Stockholm syndrome than IDK, BUT ACKNOWLEDGE THIS BETTER.

And Murad’s harem is perfect for that because he truly wasn’t the romantic type or one for romantic bonds with women. He was truly the guy who used harem for reproduction and sexual satisfaction, if he managed to even grace it with his presence. Give me Ayse and Murad who aren’t in love with each other, but she’s the one who manages to earn his respect as perhaps the only woman after his mother. Give me Ayse, who in her loneliness tries to get close to Murad because he’s the only person she can truly get close to. He does sleep with her after all, kisses her, perhaps gives her some presents? Who is to quench her loneliness if not this man? Show me Ayse who partners with Murad because she tries to find purpose in this new life, at least for their kids. Show me Ayse who’s aware that she could be much happier elsewhere, but must try to build a good future for herself where she is; who would love to abandon this life if it was possible. But do not show me woman a bitter woman scorned because dude rejects her  first .

Now for character development: give me Ayse who grows bold enough to form her own network of relationships completely independently of Murad. Who, while at first scared of her mother-in-law, actually realises that she has much more in common with this woman than with her “partner”, a “shadow of God on Earth”, who has a lot given to him on a silver platter just because he bears the title of a padisah. And yes, we have practically next to none positive mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships in MY/K, and since Kosem/Turhan has to be antagonistic eventually, why don’t give Kosem a nice relationship with Ayse that would be more than just “we tolerate each other” and that would never have anything hidden, like Turhan becoming close to Kosem to eventually use it against her mother-in-law? Give us something totally genuine, like Mahidevran/Mihrunnisa in original MY, just this time between two historical characters. 

At the same time, Ayse’s relationship with Murad would deteriorate due to his increasing cruelty and alcohol addiction. This guy is definitely not a romantic hero out of every girl’s dreams. Bah, he’s not even a nice guy. And if you show abuse, again acknowledge it properly, without dumb lines like Madame Marguerite, who usually tried to knock some sense into Farya, telling her that “Forgive him he tried to kill you for what was mainly his fault, poor Murad has so many things to worry about”(WTF???). Make her drift away from him as much as she can OUT OF HER OWN WILL, not because he rejects her. I love Margot’s idea about Ayse realising he is trash before other big rival comes along. Since Murad likely had more than one concubine and one more haseki - bring them, but show Ayse not giving a fuck at all at this point. More - why not make them bond over their own misery? Murad descends into alcohol downward spiral that makes him spend much more time on long drinking parties with buds and killing or hurting people sometimes just because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, so USE THIS OPPORTUNITY to show scared and disappointed women teaming up to survive his jackass behaviour. 

We all know Ayse would eventually lose her sons, but I would love for her to also have daughters, so that she wouldn’t be so  alone because historically she lived really long. And yeah I wouldn’t mind to see her being happy to leave Topkapi eventually, I don’t mean here being happy upon a death of man who after all was the father of her kids, but relieved to be free of this palace at last. Challenge the “Palace of Tears” concept.

As for her personality… pretty much what Margot described. I would love her to be more quietly strong, to contrast nicely with the imposing presence of the powerhouse that Kosem is. Clever and perceptive, but not a schemer. I’d love to see her use more emotional intelligence than pure cunningness. And I honestly feel Leyla Feray would be good to reflect such personality.

Oh, all the dreams *sighs*

Thank you once more for a great question :)

- Joanna

#haseki ayse sultan #muhteşem yüzyıl kösem #magnificent century kosem #answered #sorry for wait mai wrote her answer two days ago but i was busy

[thefutureisplywoodbikes]

The “My Top Films of 2018″ post positively no-one has been crying out for

Hi friends, it’s been a while.  I’ve been meaning to do a little monthly film round up / review thing for a while now (A suggested enterprise that I should say I have received specific encouragement for) but it felt a bit weird starting in the middle of the year so maybe consider this a warm up for that.  I HATE spoilers so rarely read any kind of detailed review for anything I feel inclined to see until after I’ve watched it, so the usual format here will be a sentence whether you should bother to go see a film, a few films that might have a similar feel of characteristics if you’re still undecided or looking for more of the same, and finally I might give some extra details or specific opinion.  If you’re a spoiler pedant like me you might want to skip this last part but I imagine most of you will be OK.

As what follows are what I consider the best films of the year, it should be a given that I suggest you seek them out and watch them.  If you can’t be arsed with or don’t want the details and discussion, of which there’s a lot below, skip down; I’ll put the list near the bottom, along with a selection of other highlights that didn’t make the cut.

Anyway, onto the business at hand.  To qualify for my long-list films had to be new releases that I’ve seen in a cinema this year.  I’ve not counted any Netflix or Amazon fare, or any classics, some of which obviously are some of the best films I’ve seen in the cinema this year, but you shouldn’t really need specific encouragement to go see Rear Window, Once Upon a Time In The West or The Apartment if you get the chance.  I did have a solid 10, but had forgotten something important, so you’re getting a top 11 and a best of the rest section instead.  

11 (also 10)

- You Were Never Really Here (Lynne Ramsay)

- A Woman’s Life (Stéphane Brizé)

Two very different films share 10th place.  You Were Never Really Here is a bruising tale of a damaged person not so much seeking redemption as just getting by.  Set in contemporary New York, it features a superb central performance from Joachin Phoenix and is beautifully shot by Lynne Ramsay.  Has a similarly feel, in terms of the editing at least, to her earlier film We Need To Talk About Kevin.  There was a lot of talk about this being a modern day Taxi Driver which is an understandable comparison given the subject matter but might unfairly raise expectations if you’re not careful; it isn’t and it isn’t trying to be.  It does however have a bit of a Paul Schrader feel to it so if you enjoyed First Reformed this would be worth a look.  Currently on Amazon Prime, if you’re not boycotting Bezos.

A Woman’s Life I saw pretty much solely on the strength of how much I liked Stéphane Brizé’s previous film, The Measure of A Man which covers similar territory to I, Daniel Blake but with considerably more subtlety and sharper focus and is for me more successful for it.  An adaptation of Guy de Maupassant first novel, Une Vie, the story as the title suggests, takes you through the life of a woman in 19th Century France.  It‘s a slow, measured and intelligent film, sympathetic, naturalistic and moving and slyly shines light on the inherent cruelty of the pervasive limitations of the patriarchal society of the time.  Not sure what to recommend for comparison since it was early in the year I saw it and I don’t think I’ve seen much else like it.  If you’re a fan of Bresson give it a look.  If you enjoyed Jacques Rivette’s The Nun maybe.  If you liked Barry Lyndon but think it needs toning down in terms of flair and mood.  Tolstoy was a big fan of the novel if that floats your boat, Mostly I’d say watch Measure of a Man and maybe track this down if you liked that.

9 

Let The Corpses Tan (Hélène Cattet, Bruno Forzani)

From the Brussel-based French duo behind Amer and The Strange Colour of Your Body’s Tears, if you’ve seen either of their earlier films you’ll have some idea of what you’re getting here.  It’s not going to be to everyone’s tastes; if you want a straightforward plot, narrative resolution or ultimately to fully understand what the fuck is going on, you’re in the wrong place, but if you like the sound of a pristinely crafted and gorgeously shot amalgamation of spaghetti western and Poliziotteschi aesthetics, this is likely very much up your street.  If you liked Mandy as a film that is effectively an homage to the mood a variety of 80′s films, I think this does similar for a different period more smoothly.  If you’re not sold by now I’m not sure what else to say but you can watch it on Amazon Prime if you’re curious.

8

Lucky (John Carroll Lynch)

On paper this shouldn’t be as good as it is.  Not a lot really happens.  It’s competently shot but not visually exceptional. It would seem to unashamedly be a vehicle to showcase the enduring charm of Harry Dean Stanton in a role that I would be astonished if i were to discovery it wasn’t written specifically for him.  And yet it’s HUGELY endearing.  It’s sweet without ever approaching being mawkish or saccharine.  Stanton is an irascible, charming and poignant delight as a man doing his best to defiantly maintain his independence while coming to terms with his encroaching mortality .  David Lynch is less convincing as a man bereft after his tortoise has escaped from the garden, yet still it all kinda works and has context.  If you’ve liked Harry Dean Stanton in anything else, but particularly Paris, Texas.  You’ll likely enjoy this.  If you’re a Twin Peaks geek, liked The Straight Story, St Vincent (As in the 2014 Bill Murray movie), Mystery Train or maybe even On Golden Pond you’ll likely be OK too.

7

Filmworker (Tony Zierra)

You’d be forgiven for not knowing who Leon Vitali, the subject of this film, is.  Some of you with better memories may place him as the actor who portrayed Lord Bullingdon in Barry Lyndon, likely because at some point you’ve looked him up after watching his superb performance wondering whatever happened to him.  What you’re unlikely to be aware of (unless you’ve already seen this) is his immense contribution to, and sacrifices for, the work of Stanley Kubrick, an ongoing commitment that will likely persist until his dying breath.   

In awe of the auteur on the set of Barry Lyndon, he effectively abandoned his acting career at the moment it was set to take off, to work with Kubrick in whatever capacity he could, over time becoming his most trusted, and woefully overworked, assistant.  There is a sense that this a tale of one man being exploited in another man’s ruthless pursuit of their vision, which in part it is, but Vitali’s devotion is effectively religious and so he commands more respect and admiration than pity for the extent he has given over his life to his passion.  If you like Kubrick, have seen and loved any on his films at the cinema, on video, DVD or blu-ray you have a responsibility to see this, because it is extremely likely that Leon is the man who has personally checked the prints and colour gradings to ensure they are precisely as they should be.  It should also be a reminder that there are hundreds of thousands of others unsung who’ve had a hand in making the films you love.

If you’re a film geek, serious cineaste or fan of any of Kubrick films but particularly the last four (Barry Lyndon, The Shining, Full Metal Jacket, Eyes Wide Shut), you should see this.

6

Lady Bird (Greta Gerwig)

At heart Lady Bird is a simple story, very well told.  It has suitable faith in its script to keep things simple and in doing so delivers 95 breezily delightful minutes of cinema.  I saw this immediately after having endured The Shape of Water (Superficial, predictable, indulgent, emotionally-manipulative dross, with some insultingly shallow politics shoe-horned in to bolster its credibility) so the contrast may have inflated my enjoyment but after that, this was a breath of fresh air.  It has a lean, clever script flawlessly delivered by it’s stellar cast, led by primarily by the equally excellent Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf but also featuring Timotheé Chalamet and the reliably remarkable / remarkably reliable Lucas Hedges in supporting roles.  The result is a film full of well-rounded, flawed and relatable characters.  The depiction of teenagers seem particularly sharp; the traumas of negotiating the trials of burgeoning adulthood are treated sympathetically but you’re also shown achingly absurd moments of pretension that’ll likely spark a pang of amused recognition in anyone over 20.

If you liked 20th Century Women or Greta Gerwig’s other cinematic outings (I don’t think I’ve actually seen many others but it stands to reason.) you’ll likely get a kick out of this not really sure what else compares suitably.

It’s a nice film.  Give it a go if you haven’t already.

5

Phantom Thread (Paul Thomas Anderson)

The latest offering from Paul Thomas Anderson, Phantom Thread is a curious creature and a bit of departure for the director, stylistically at least.  On the surface a dry tale of a celebrated English tailor discovering a new muse and lover and the shifting of power and negotiation of compromises as their relationship develops, I’d say the real meat here is in the subtexts but I don’t want to prejudice your viewing with my half-baked theorising so I’ll say no more.  Visually sumptuous, pristinely photographed and with a deliciously acerbic and quotably witty script, you also get a trio of marvellous performances from Daniel Day-Lewis, Leslie Manville and Vicky Krieps in the lead roles.  A wry treat for all who like seductive subtlety at a steady pace and one that’s sure to benefit from repeat viewing.  (I’ve yet to rewatch myself but am keen to and in the course of writing this list I’ve been compelled to bump it up a few spots and suspect it may well have faired better if I had)

If you’re a PTA fan you’ve likely already seen this but if you need specific prompting I’d say it’s closest in spirit to The Master, but it’s still more idiosyncratic among his output than similar to the others.  If you like the barbed charm of the writing of the films of the British New Wave, or Pinter’s script for Losey’s The Servant you'll also likely find this worth your time.

4

Climax (Gaspar Noé)

Despite it's place here, I have a hard time recommending Climax. Watching it was possibly the most queasily unnerving experience I've ever had in a cinema, which is entirely it's intent.

Following the events that unfold one snowy evening at an isolated rehearsal hall where a group of dancers having a final night party fall victim to an LSD-spiked sangria, what starts out as a mesmerising display of dancing skill and exuberance slowly shifts into a hellish, decadent descent as innermost fears and desires surface and are enacted.

The film is technically spectacular, largely composed of a single twisting shot that woozily drifts among the action and skilfully approximates the helpless intoxication of the characters. Prior to this the film opens with a series of interviews with the dancers, shown on a tv flanked by videos and books, the theme of which would appear to be transgression in its various forms. It's a simple, smart device that foreshadows events to come but also lays out the story's influences and inspirations. The overall result is the sense that experience you receive has been carefully and precisely crafted, something all films obviously aim to do but that this actually delivers, extraordinarily well. Even when things slow and drag in the last 20 minutes (which they undeniably do) you feel like you're being made to endure the comedown of the preceding proceedings. It's not going to be for everyone and I'm not sure the visceral unease of seeing this in the cinema will translate to small screen viewing, but it's a brilliant affecting piece of cinema for those prepared to brave it.

If you didn't like Enter The Void, you're probably not going to like this but if you did, you probably will. The content isn't necessarily especially graphic but there's a sense of callous disregard and cruelty that made for uneasy viewing for me at least, similar to the darker moments of Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer or Man Bites Dog. You probably know by now if you're gonna watch it or not, so let's move on.

3

Utøya: July 22 (Erik Poppe)

Not to be confused with the Paul Greengrass Netflix film (Which went into production a year later than this then stole it’s working title) Utøya: July 22 is the second film on this list to centrally feature an extended tracking shot.  This one was shot in one interrupted take and, much like Climax, is a harrowing film elevated by the directorial decisions that informed and shaped its creation.  

Unfolding in real time the film shares the experience of Kaya, a teenage girl attending the summer camp on the Norwegian island of Utøya during the 2011 terrorist attack there.  It’s a heartbreaking watch.  Less generous reviews suggest it to be manipulative, others, which I am obviously  moreso inclined to agree with, feel that the films choices place the victims in the forefront of the story and in doing so highlights failings within the usual handling of such events on film and more broadly in the media, failings which, while I haven’t seen it, I have heard the aforementioned Netflix film is guilty of. While the characters in this film are fictional, their stories are based on the testimonies of survivors and survivors were heavily consulted both during the writing of the script and the filming.  The terrorist is not named and is only shown once in the distance which, given the intention of his murderous assault was to draw attention to himself and his toxic political views, is very effective at both resisting unwitting complicity in advancing these aims and preventing the victims and the horror of their experiences from being shifted into peripheral significance.  They are not merely a notorious individuals tragic statistics and  they, or any other victim of mass murder, should never be allowed to be seen in such terms.  This film has been painstakingly and thoughtfully constructed to honour them and the gravitas of their suffering and is intelligent and powerful film that deserves far greater attention.

It feels somewhat ridiculous to offer comparative suggestions for this one; it’s not an enjoyable viewing experience, so if you’re not already moved to watch it maybe you shouldn’t bother.  If you’re still undecided this does feature perhaps the most effective and emotionally involving uses of the single shot proximal viewpoint, a technique employed in a number of titles of recent years (Birdman, Victoria, The Revenant, Gravity etc.) that I’ve seen.  It something which Son of Saul was celebrated for, where the intent was similarly a claustrophobic immersion, but which, in that instance, I found somewhat distracting.  This succeeded for me where Son of Saul did not.

2

Cold War (Pawel Pawlikowski)

I still haven’t seen Pawlikowski’s previous film Ida but the strength of esteem that it garnered led me to see this without knowing anything about it.  (And if you really want to enjoy it, you should skip the rest of this and do the same.  Actually you should do that anyway, because I likely create an unreasonable high expectation by the end of this.)

The film covers a love story as it unfolds and transforms over the space of 20 years under the shadow of the Cold War.  At various points the romance is  frustrated either by the ubiquitous demands and expectations of the Soviet state apparatus or by the lovers diverging fates negotiating it.  Given the tale is loosely based on the story of his own parents, one would be forgiven for fearing this might be a melodramatic tale of predictably plucky triumph, but the nuance and complexity of the central relationship, challenged as it is by not only external forces but internal conflicts, has a suitable quantity of bitterness and disappointment to feel like a truthful portrayal.  It’s refreshingly unsentimental, as is the depiction of life under totalitarian rule and in some ways this is as much a film about the potential for lives to be crushed by oppressive regimes as it is about loves ability to resist them.

Also of note; the film is gorgeous.  The black and white photography is pristine throughout and subtly shifts with the films location.  The soundtrack comprises  Eastern European folk and 50s Jazz and, with music forming a central role in the plot, the scenes where it features most heavily stand out and are at times breathtaking.  The acting too is great with Joanna Kulig proving a particularly enchanting screen presence.  It’s a manifoldly beautiful film.

If you still need persuading (though you really shouldn’t, because by this stage I’m just over-egging the pudding) if you liked Ida obviously this’ll be up your street, if you’re a Tarkovsky fan in general you’ll likely appreciate some of the framing and pacing here but if your especially fond of Ivan’s Childhood (And if you’re not you probably should be) the look and feel of this should prove particularly appealing.  

1

Shoplifters (Hirokazu Kore-eda)

It’s unlikely that I’m alone in placing this at the top of my list.  I don’t think I’ve spoken to anyone who hasn’t liked this film.  Most have loved it.  This is very rare.  In fact, if you haven’t yet seen this, don’t bother reading further, just go see it in the cinema while you still have the chance.  (I don’t want to hear any shit about spoilers or whinging about missing it.) If you’ve seen any of Kore-eda’s other recent films (with the possible exception of The Third Murder) you will have had some idea of what to expect with this.  He is a master of tender, low-key tales of everyday life and the drama contained within.  Our Little Sister was my first encounter with his work and was my favourite film of 2016. It features the intertwining lives of three sisters who live with their grandmother and the half-sister they effectively adopt when their estranged father dies.  It’s a simple, wonderfully uplifting film that unceremoniously shows you the progressing lives of a loving family in rural Japan.  After The Storm looks at another family, this time in Tokyo and more fractured and dysfunctional but still observed with compassion and though flawed, prove deeply sympathetic and relatable.  In Shoplifters we are again presented with a family, this time a gathering of humble misfits and miscreants predominantly bonded by solidarity in the face of poverty, hardship and neglect.  Their love for each other is evident in their actions but as the film progresses it is brought into question by figures of authority and more broadly a society that though unwilling to help them when in need is more than prepared to judge and condemn them regardless of their circumstances.

This is both an overtly political film and a deeply philosophical one but fundamentally it’s an achingly sensitive and compassionate drama.  It brings to light rarely discussed economic disparity in Japan and the difficulties of those struggling to get by.  It examines what constitutes a family and questions the value of traditional familial and societal bonds when they don’t encompass a duty of care.  It lead you to reflect on you own fortunes compassion and morality.  And it does all of this simply by presenting you with a group of characters with complex stories.  Acts that might be considered otherwise outrageous are given suitable context to leave you entirely capable of empathising with the decisions to undertake them.

A devastatingly moving and humane film, this is beautifully shot, scripted, edited and brilliantly performed by a hugely talented cast.  An irrefutable masterpiece.  Must watch.

Right, below is a recap of the list then below that will be a list of notable highlights that made the long-list, for those of you not already bored shitless

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OK, welcome back slackers. Here’s the list.

10. - You Were Never Really Here (Lynne Ramsay)

      - A Woman’s Life (Stéphane Brizé)

9.  Let The Corpses Tan (Hélène Cattet, Bruno Forzani)

8.  Lucky (John Carroll Lynch)

7.  Filmworker (Tony Zierra)

6.  Lady Bird (Greta Gerwig)

5.  Phantom Thread (Paul Thomas Anderson)

4.  Climax (Gaspar Noé)

3.  Utøya: July 22 (Erik Poppe)

2.  Cold War (Pawel Pawlikowski)

1.  Shoplifters (Hirokazu Kore-eda)

And now for the best of the rest.  You should maybe try to watch these before reading the details too

The Rider (Chloé Zhao)

This was unquestionable beautiful and does an excellent job of showing the limitations of investing in an outmoded code of masculinity, in this instance that of the cowboy.  The amateur cast effectively play versions of themselves in the thinly disguised the story of lead actor Brady Jandreau’s struggles to adjust after a severe rodeo injury curtails his career and hopes. Why it’s not in my top 10: This is a cinematic love letter to Brady and while it’s effective in display the depth of the directors affection for him and his, admittedly very endearing, family, it’s less so as a means to convince you to share it’s viewpoint if, like me, you don’t share Chloe Zhao’s unquestioning sympathy from the outset.  Questions about animal welfare, the validity of cowboy traditions, practices and iconography in the modern world and whether that imported culture dominating life on a Lakota reservation can ever be anything but a toxic cul-de-sac, all go unasked and unanswered.

The Wild Pear Tree (Nuri Bilge Ceylan)

This probably should be in my top ten.  It’s absolutely spectacular.  Beautifully naturalistic and expansive in scope and ambition.  One regular customer at the cinema where I work said it authentically encapsulates the experiences of everyday Turkish life and so if that sounds up your street and you have a spare three and a bit hours to invest this is richly rewarding watch.

Why it’s not in my top 10: It’s just soooo long.  It’s 188 minutes but feels like longer, which I’d actually say is a good thing because it covers so much ground at such a measured pace you’re surprised when it’s over that you’ve experienced so much in such a, relatively, short space of time.  But it’s still exhausting.  While lengthy discussions work within the context of the film their inclusion teeters on the brink of indulgence and the main character, a youthful and arrogant would-be intellectual, is frankly a bit of a dick, and that’s a long time to spend in the company of someone you don’t necessarily like.  So in essence, while this is a masterpiece, it is a demanding one, and it’s because I found the physical experience of watching this to be more challenging than either enjoyable or invigorating that it slipped into the runners-up.  Once Upon A Time in Anatolia, which I rewatched earlier this year, manages to cover similar territory but still leave you enlivened so I was hoping this might do the same.

Leave No Trace (Debra Granik)

A well-paced, great looking and emotive little drama featuring exceptional central performance from Thomasin McKenzie and the dependably compelling Ben Foster as a father and daughter living on the margins of society in contemporary America.  Comparisons with with the work of Kelly Reichardt seem justified.

Why it’s not in my top 10: It’s a great film, I just personally think I saw at least 10 better ones this year.  You might feel otherwise.  (But you’d still be wrong)

The Miseducation of Cameron Post

I found this to be really sweet and engaging and similarly effective to Lady Bird in giving dignity and truth to the voices of youth.  It felt a bit like a modern day update of a John Hughes film (but with the startling misogyny and casual racism excised obviously)

Why it’s not in my top 10: It’s good, but not that good.

Marlina the Murderer In Four Acts

Indonesian.  Feminist.  Western.

What more do you need to hear.  A great little film that deserves a wider audience.

Why it’s not in my top 10: You’ve got the gist of this by now surely?

A Fantastic Woman 

I think this did a really good job in highlighting the various forms of conspicuous everyday cruelty that hinder the lives of trans women and more broadly the harmful prejudices that nestle within normative society.  The film is far from perfect and is not without it’s justifiable criticism; I have heard it said that this represents a CIS gendered persons idea of what trans experience is like rather than the reality and it is true that the central character is pretty much entirely defined by her victimhood rather this being a more nuanced portrait.  So, yes, it’s maybe more than a little melodramatic but the central performance of Daniela Vega is i think still suitably engrossing to warrant your attention.

Why it’s not in my top 10: and nor are the films below

Faces / Places (Agnès Varda, JR)

This was a really lovely film.  I tend to overuse the word charming (You’ll likely notice a bunch of equally overused synonyms of it where I’ve attempted to avoid doing so above.) but it’s really apt here.  This is a delightfully playful look at the collaboration and friendship of it’s creators, filmmaking legend Agnes Varda and photographer/muralist JR as they travel around France making work.  And that pretty much it.  It’s smart, fun and funny but mostly it’s nice.  Refreshingly and unashamedly pleasant.

This was one of 3 Agnès Varda films I saw in the cinema this year and I’m deeply disappointed both that I didn’t catch more but also that I’m so late in being introduced to her work.  The other two I saw were Cleo From 5 to 7, a truly stunning piece of work that effortlessly makes many of it’s French New Wave contemporaries look painfully austere, and One Sings, The Other Doesn’t, whose first 5 minutes alone are so deliciously, guilefully political as to make this, and discovering Varda’s films in general, one of my highlights of the year.  

While the ship has sailed for the folks of Manchester to catch the Gleaning Truths season, the lucky folk of London still have a chance to catch them all and suitable time to plan as they’re all showing in early 2019 at the Prince Charles Cinema.  I heartily recommend you do so (or at the very least see Cleo From 5 to 7 then see how you go) Link here.

Lastly I want to mention a trio of horror films that stood out this year.

Hereditary was hokey, divisive and derivative of a bunch of late 70′s horror but had a great cast, some surprising twists and I found it to be a great deal of fun.  Others did not.  The choice is yours.

Mandy was a more maniacally entertaining treat, again derivative but as it’s effectively an adoring pastiche of 80′s genre films it can’t be judged too harshly on those terms.  I still think Let The Corpses Tan covers similar territory better, but this has some spectacular visuals, a superb soundtrack and a gloriously unhinged Nicholas Cage to keep you amused along the way.

The new Halloween marked an entertaining return to for the long-suffering franchise and, pleasingly, a box office success but what I found most interesting about it were the sly touches in the screenplay that suggest changes may be afoot in Hollywood.  The key protagonists are all women, they’re surrounded by a parade of shitty men who show themselves to be either abusive, untrustworthy or impotent when the time comes to face up to the embodiment of senseless murderous misogyny, Michael Myers.  There was a similar vibe in Widows, and with both it was encouraging to see politics being injected into successful mainstream offerings.  Lets hope it persist.

Celebrated films I haven’t seen that may be notably absent above:

I’ve heard good things about both Wajib and 120 BPM but haven’t seen them, so obviously can’t comment on them.  Also I haven’t got around to watching Cuarón’s Roma yet.  Or Sweet Country.  I missed that one too.

Alternative facts

In the interest of fairness and balance and the spirit of sharing here’s an alternative top 10 from my learned colleagues at HOME: https://homemcr.org/article/top-10-films-of-2018-ushers-choice/ 

(Just because their reviews are more thorough and better written, it doesn’t make them right)

And a 2018 highlight podcast if you’re really keen: 

https://homemcr.org/media/the-home-film-podcast-special-2018-round-up/

Things I’m looking forward to seeing next year:

The Favourite looks deliciously vicious and entirely up my street so I can’t wait to see that.  Green Book I very much like the look of too and is an intriguing shift for Peter Farrelly that I hope pays off.  I also have high hopes for If Beale Street Could Talk, like the sound of Destroyer, the look of Vice and am intrigued by Burning.  Anyway that’s more than enough for now.  I’m gonna go do something else.  So should you.  See you in the new year.

[awildhanmonster]

More Ado about Characters:

Alright, now for round 2!  The following characters are all more one-offs and have no direct relation to each other quite the same was as Nell/Leonora/Barnes do, so let’s see if I can keep this under novel length.  

Remy Green, aka Remy:  17 years old in current canon, and still in the last leg of high school, Remy is, for lack of any better term, a reverse werewolf: perpetually stuck in the form of a gangly wolfdog monster on all nights save the brightest of full moons.  Originally just a “normal” human kid just trying to survive through graduation, her entire life wound up turned on its head when an out of control werewolf attacked and bit her while out with friends one night.  He was subdued and arrested, even later charged for the negligence and violent assault, but the damage had been done and the virus passed on— in the worst ways.

Remy essentially suffered the equivalent of a severe allergic reaction and anaphylaxis during the first shift, which took hours (normal were shifts should be minutes) and resulted in her parents frantically driving her to the ER in tears.  She survived, though the diagnosis— for a fragile kid with shaky self esteem— was, at the time, seemingly a fate worse than death.  Despite her form, she never seems to suffer the loss of mindfulness or weakened inhibitions of most werefolk during “peak” moon periods.  

Remy has since started learning how to cope with life in a new form she didn’t really want or ask for, and she has the full, unwavering support of her parents, though it’s still a lot for a teenaged kid to handle.  I’m pretty sure she wound up being pulled from high school and is trying to finish out her last year and a half or so at home, though she could really use some friends she doesn’t think are “obligated” to love her like her parents are.  I think she’s pretty lonely and dealing with a lot of depression issues.  Luckily she’ll fall in with Wayne at some point, who’s like a sweet (greasy stoner) older brother, and he and the rest of the Losers can adopt the hell out of her as a little sister and teach her how to not give a fuck about what humans think when you’re a weirdo.  She’ll earn her happy ending eventually.  

Rose Lund:  Absolutely 100% a retooling/transplant of one of my dearest, most beloved, super shitty/earnest self-insert characters as a 12 year old on Neopets and I have NO SHAME AT ALL.  Rose is a human mage (they do exist!) around 30 or so, a pale/skinny English-Caucasian mutt with green eyes, straight brown hair, and a penchant for fancifully extra looking dyed bang fringies because she’s stopped giving a fuck.  She’s one of those rare people who can strike up a conversation with just about anyone, blessed by a very… unique way with words that’s unintentionally contributed to her internet fame as a slice of life blogger about the day to day trials of pet dragon (well, wyrm) ownership.  

Rose has been passionate about rare and magical exotic creatures since she was a wee girl, and developed an obsession with dragons (‘wyrms’ being the correct term for all non-sentient varieties) before she was out of grade school.  In college she double majored cryptobiology and spell artistry, then upon graduation, acquired a pair of rare pygmy wyrms— from temperate and tundra subspecies— respectively, as pets, both for personal reasons and to aid in her pursuit of a master’s degree in cryptobiological husbandy.

Pygmy wyrms, it should be noted, are generally terrible pets.  While only growing to approximately the size of a house cat (10-12 pounds on average) and sporting the appearance of beautifully miniaturized mythological six-limbed dragons any fantasy nut would fall in love with, they are far from domesticated, exasperatingly precocious, and have the charming habit of expelling flammable gas from a myriad of orifices when startled.  They have a distinctive, vaguely musky sulfurous smell about them regardless of cleanliness and are just clever enough to ignore training commands when convenient.  Imagine giving a very ornery, very clever raccoon flappy wings with a several foot wingspan, feeding it rotten eggs, and strapping a flamethrower to both ends, then rigging it all with an excitable hair trigger.  That is a pygmy wyrm.  Rose owns two in an apartment complex: Ice Pack (Packy), who is a pale milk white/ice blue, and Sharky (Sharkbite), who is black and burgundy/red.  

Needless to say they’re the loves of her lives and she revolves around them, having garnered a massive internet following thanks to her daily posts about their antics and the realities of exotic pet care.  They’re harness trained now and reasonably polite, though this is only due to years of hard work and constant reinforcement.  She hopes one day to breed more biddable specimens and help contribute to the conservation of the species worldwide.  Also, they’ve made her very good at anti-flammability hexes.  

Shun —: known only by her first name, a kitsune who moved into the apartment complex fairly recently with her pet pipe fox, Yuzu.  It should be noted that kitsune are particularly long lived among mythicals, though how long exactly that is tends to be hotly debated and unknown by all but the foxes themselves.  What is known is how they are extremely slow to age after reaching their peak maturity/fitness, with certain individuals reported over 500 years old and, apparently, showing very little of their age beyond a massive swath of grown tails (nine being the highest on known record).  Kitsune typically grow to around 30-40 lbs, outwardly resembling a much large. leggier, more willowy silhouette than traditional foxes, and will begin life with a single tail that splits or “buds” and multiplies over time.  

Neurologically they are fairly unique among mammals, possessing a kind of distributed intelligence throughout the body that can give the tails a “mind of their own”, so to speak, in much the same way as octopi or other related cephalopods do.  In fact, due to the extremely slow rate of cell death/turnover, a severed kitsune tail will continue to move and attempt “functioning” for weeks, even years by some reports, under correct conditions.  Which I’ll get into shortly.  

Swerving back to Shun herself, she’s an artist by trade who zigzags between traditional and digital freelance work for a living.  Conservation of mass is still in place for humanoid shifts— which all kitsune can voluntarily assume— with predictably small, delicate, androgynous bodies that rarely get above 4’5’’ or so in stature.  Features like pointed ears or slit pupils/exposed tails can be morphed or shown as desired, though the chronic perception of being childlike or “cute” regardless of how old they are is a pretty common occurrence.  Shun is no stranger to this either, and hates shopping for clothes at non-mythical-specific places because she has to do so in the *really* young children’s department for anything to fit.  

Back on the subject of pipe foxes, though— Shun is a kitsune with 3 and 3/4 tails.  She had an unspecified accident several years ago in which she lost the final quarter of her fourth tail, but managed to retrieve the piece after several weeks of searching, at which point it was already trying to become a pipe fox.  Pipe foxes (at least in this world) are the result of a severed kitsune tail’s survival instincts going horribly wrong (or right) and attempting to restructure themselves for survival, and the amount of tail there (i.e. how much was separated from the body) will determine what becomes of it, though the “starting” process is pretty identical no matter what you do.  

If a severed piece of tail has no food, eventually, with time, it will die.  If, however, you keep it somewhere safe (like a drawer) and you present it with food (which could be, I don’t know, a chicken leg), it will sense it, and you will see the start of a small, gaping fanged mouth begin to grow from the stump.  Once this has formed, the tail will wriggle itself to its prize and devour everything it can, sustaining it.  Keep feeding the tail and it will continue to grow legs, organs, features, and a face— though not necessarily in that order.  Eventually, you will have a small— usually mouse to rat sized— beautiful white magic fox, prized heavily by black market collectors for its splendor and apparent luck giving properties.  A true quarter-tailed pipe fox will live somewhere between 5-40 years, unpredictably.  The distributed intelligence of the tail will reform/conglomerate into a brain relatively on par with a modern pet dog, possibly smarter (or much dumber) depending on your luck.  

If, however, there is MORE than roughly a quarter tail chopped off, with more of the nervous tissue and mass intact, the pipe fox resulting may appear larger and more robust.  Many exotic buyers have been lured into purchasing these creatures from traders without realizing, and years later the unlucky recipient will find their precious fox’s skin suddenly flaccid on the ground like a shed cocoon, having erupted into 75 tinier pipe foxes that will summarily swarm the accessible property to spirit off with literally anything they decide is valuable, never to be found again, often raging like an infestation for days or WEEKS before vanishing forever.  

Rumor has it that feeding an entire severed tail will result in 75 tiny pipe foxes bursting forth from the cocoon shell that will each burst into 75 more bug sized foxes each, resulting in a plague of nigh biblical proportions.  But that’s never actually been confirmed on record.  

Needless to say the kitsune have a lot of protocols for dealing with severed tails and will usually destroy half-formed pipe foxes of unknown origin on the spot.  Shun keeps Yuzu as a pet due to being intimately aware of the little rat-sized creature’s origins, and she still had to sign SO many extra insurance papers and wavers before the complex would let her move in.  

I am not good at keeping it short, am I?  Wow.  Well, there you have it!  I’d be happy to answer any extra stuff I forgot too if someone has a question.  I do love these nerds.  

[katiebug586]

I posted 1,232 times in 2021

81 posts created (7%)

1151 posts reblogged (93%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 14.2 posts.

I added 92 tags in 2021

#incorrect quotes - 15 posts

#phantom investigators - 13 posts

#braceface - 12 posts

#meme - 10 posts

#shitpost - 9 posts

#connor - 9 posts

#fillmore! - 7 posts

#headcanon - 6 posts

#warrior cats - 6 posts

#osmosis jones - 5 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#it's kinda funny when you realize if sylvian didn't use dirty tactics to try to become mayor there's like 99.99% chance he would have won

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Heya!

.I’m not really one to create petitions for stuff, but this came to my attention and I decided that, hey, maybe I could try to do something and see what happens?

I don’t know how many of you know this, but E.W Scripps has announced that they’re planning to shut down Qubo with their acquisition of Qubo’s parent company near the end of February. I don’t know about you, but that makes me livid!!!

I know that many people have a childhood connection to that channel in the 14 or so years it’s been on the air, with it offering a lot of obscure-ish gems such as Jacob Two-Two/Jane and the Dragon/Being Ian.

They want to replace Qubo with more of their networks, the Katz networks, but who has connection to that? Who has a fondness for Katz? WHERE’S THE NOSTALGIA, E.W? WHERE IS IT?!

So, I’ve created this petition to try to stop E.W Scripps from making a very foolish and stupid mistake! It would mean a lot to me if you sign it/signal boost it so that it gets around!

https://www.change.org/p/e-w-scripps-don-t-shut-down-qubo

20 notes • Posted 2021-01-22 01:51:09 GMT

#4

The ‘Chip is actually not a bad guy’ Big City Greens AU

Here’s an AU I literally canNOT stop thinking about.

In it, Chip isn’t an antagonist and works at Big Coffee with Gloria, and unlike his canon counterpart, is actually pretty chill/slight ‘stoner’ stereotype, also REALLY lazy. He still has a problem with chipping his teeth, but he’s not insane, lmao.

I HC that his father owns Big Coffee as well as being the CEO of Wholesome Foods, so he put his son to work there to learn how to well, adult in the real world. Mrs. Cho is still the boss of the shop, that hasn’t changed.

Who’s BCG main villain then? Gwendolyn, because she has a few screws loose and that if pushed in the wrong way, could very well become the same-type of villain that Chip is canonly.

I also HC here that Chip plays himself off as being dumb and not having the smarts to really do anything ‘unique’ though he’s actually pretty smart, he just doesn’t apply himself, which would be shown in the ‘Chipocalypse Now’ (Gwendocalypse Now?) equivalent, where Gwendolyn buys Big Coffee and the apartment complex and builds a lab or something sciencey there, with her plan to run the Greens out of town by destroying their home to build not a parking lot, but a rocket-ship launch pad or something more... her.

Anyways, Chip is ticked off at this turn of events, because he doesn’t like working with his stuck-up coworkers at Wholesome Foods, at least Cricket and Gloria were fun, especially Cricket.

So with the power of his secret intelligence and cleverness, he manages to find a hole in Gwendolyn’s plan, and exploits it as much as he can, giving the Greens the winning edge they need.

I feel that much like canon events, his dad would give him CEO since the man finally put some effort into doing good, though unlike canon, he actually deserves it and isn’t going to abuse the power like his canon-self did.

TLDR; Chaotic evil bastard man turned into chaotic good, less of a bastard man. He gets proper character development and a personality.

29 notes • Posted 2021-03-06 23:13:49 GMT

#3

Xavier: Hey I know you don’t know me or how I got your number but your kid totally injured me please ground him lmao.

Nicole: 

38 notes • Posted 2021-06-29 21:18:34 GMT

#2

Gumball: Does anyone remember when you were like ten and you weren't allowed to curse so you went around saying "what the what"?

Penny: No, I just said frick.

Rob: I said fuck.

Gumball: Okay, calm down edgelords, this wasn't about you.

48 notes • Posted 2021-05-16 18:08:57 GMT

#1

Xavier: I've given Omar every chance to join us but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming an Other Side kid?

Maya: Which benefits? The dumb uniforms? The fort that blows up every few months?

Xavier: Please. Forts blowing up builds character.

53 notes • Posted 2021-07-03 19:55:26 GMT

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