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teyamsatan · 1 year

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Illicit Affairs | Chapter II: Right Where You Left Me

Pairing: Neteyam x Human!Reader (later Avatar!Reader)

Chapter I Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter IX Chapter X

Synopsis: You were one of two kids stuck on Pandora after the war took all the Sky People back to Earth. After a series of events left deep scars behind, you are now forced to deal with your trauma - and your lingering resentment towards Neteyam - head-on.

Warnings: angst, mentions of death, blood, injury

Word Count: 4,7k words

A/N: So I didn't expect the last chapter to do so well, but I am happy so many people enjoyed it. I have really enjoyed writing this and I am happy to say I am almost done with Chapter III, as well. I am feeling all the feels doing this, and I hope you do, too.

“I cause no harm, mind my business If our love died young, I can't bear witness And it's been so long But if you ever think you got it wrong … I'm right where you left me”

The next couple of weeks were uneventful. You haven’t seen Lo’ak since that afternoon, although Kiri’s dropped by a couple of times to keep you company while you worked. Getting her to put on a lab coat and goggles was an adventure in itself, but she eventually relents and does as she’s told.

She’s shooting you a sly smirk as you are busy pipetting a reagent on your samples under an aseptic hood. “Your birthday’s coming up soon, do you have any plans?” You could hear the smile in her voice, which you found odd. You pushed the feeling aside. Kiri’s odd, and the things that bring her amusement sometimes elude you, and you love her for it.

“Oh yeah, big party planned, I was thinking pres in the gym, then main party in the dining area and a wild after party in the lab.” You roll your eyes. Birthdays seem fun in movies and TV shows, but it really isn’t the same stuck in a tiny confined space with nothing to do. You were turning 18. Not of much significance to you, although this birthday does seem to hold some relevance back on Earth. 18 is the age you become an “adult”, where you become legally allowed to do all sorts of human things, like drink, smoke, vote, be held liable for your actions (this one still confuses you), get married, drive and so much more. It seemed strange to you that so much weight was placed on this day, and you wondered if when the clock struck midnight a few days from now, you will feel different, like something in your brain will click and you will have answers to all the questions you have been silently asking yourself at night.

“Thought so. Well, we do have a surprise for you.” She says, still smiling from ear to ear.

Has everyone you loved collectively decided to forget that you hate surprises? With a groan, you got up from your chair, removed the samples that you quickly placed back in an incubator, shut the hood and motioned for Kiri to follow you out of the lab.

It was later than you expected when you finished, and you knew Kiri would have to leave soon so she can make it back home in time for curfew.

“Anywayyy…” she says, refusing to let your sour mood damper her own, “I was thinking you could join us at the home tree for your birthday party. The family prepared something for you and you haven’t visited in so long, everyone misses you, especially Tuk.”

“Kiri…” You wanted to go, and were touched that it seems that the family actually wanted you around, but you were scared. You knew it was stupid, but deep down the guilt of what your species did, what your own dad might have done, eats at you every night. You knew that whilst the Sullys and maybe other Na’vi as well were more than welcoming, others regarded you as a curse, an alien with demon blood that should have been sent to her dying world long ago. You couldn’t deal with knowing your very existence was a reminder of their lost family, their destroyed home, their battle scars.

“Come onnn, girl, you can’t spend every damn day of your short human life in this place. I mean, I like this place, don’t get me wrong, but if I had to spend every minute of the day here, I’d kill myself. I mean the foooood, the artificial lightinnggg, the stuffy aiiiiir…” she dramatically dragged every word to make her point, and despite everything, you couldn’t really argue with her.

“I’m not leaving ’til you agree.”

“I mean I just have to wait long enough that curfew begins, and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna see you run out of this place leaving a Kiri-shaped hole in the wall of the lab.” you said, laughing at the frown that settled on her face at your stubborness. “Fine, Kiri, my God, I will be there.”

“Yay! Thank you, you won’t regret it, I promise!” You couldn’t help crack a smile at her enthusiasm, and you hugged your friend that was sitting on a chair, short enough this way to enable you to do so.

“Do you want to see Grace before you go?”

You forget sometimes Kiri isn’t Jake and Neytiri’s biological daughter. I wonder if they forget, too. Kiri is a miracle child, of sorts. Born out of Grace’s avatar, she was like a gift from Eywa herself. She always visits her Ma when she comes to see you.

Kiri shifts uncomfortably in the chair, prompting you to raise an eyebrow. Strange, you think to yourself.

“No, I should really go, I don’t want to be late getting home and I want to pick some herbs I saw on the path on the way here. I think they’ll be good for the illness going around.”

You wanted to push, but decided to let it go. You couldn’t blame the girl for maybe not wanting to be reminded that as well as Spider and yourself, she, too, was an outsider.

You said your goodbyes, and deciding against dinner with everyone in the lab, you made your way back to your room. You picked a book from the shelf of your mum’s old book collection; another thing that apparently became obsolete on Earth with time, your mum revelled in collecting them. She said the only way to properly experience a story is with a physical copy of it in your hands. You agreed. There were a lot of electronic copies of books in the directory, and while you spent so much of your life dedicating yourself to them, nothing compared to the feeling of holding a book, that you know has been held and experienced by another human. You found notes and dried up tears on the pages of these books even to this day, and every time, it brings you closer to your mum, to your grandparents, to a home you’ll never know for yourself. You fell asleep with one of the poems you read that night still fresh in your mind.

“I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,

And Mourners to and fro

Kept treading - treading - till it seemed

That Sense was breaking through -“

You woke up in the forest. You recognised the place immediately. Secluded from the village and near enough to the lab that even a child could find their way back, it was the perfect hiding spot for little Y/N. You didn’t go there anymore, you’ve barely allowed yourself to even think about it these days, but your dreams spoke to something deep inside you, a yearning you couldn’t drown out no matter how hard you tried. You looked towards the clearing, where the riverbank was almost unrecognisable past the foliage and rocks and allowed yourself a moment of respite. You were startled by a high pitched laugh, and turned your head towards its origin. A little girl, no older than 10, was running towards the bank holding on to an oxygen mask pack, giggling as she looked behind her to an emerging second figure. She was so happy, so…alive.

Her eyes were glossy from unshed tears, happiness so loud it expressed itself physically. A second child emerged from the shadows, just behind where you stood. A boy, tall and blue, with the same innocence behind his eyes, quickly caught up to where the girl now lay on a rock by the river.

“I won, Neteyam! I beat you!” The girl says, panting, laughing and crying all at once. The boy’s expression softened, and as he took his place next to the girl on the rock, gave her a small smile.

“You did! I didn’t try that hard, though. I want a rematch.”

“You’re on!”

The two kids sat in silence for awhile, enjoying the peace and quiet, the hushed whisper of the water and the bustling chirping of insects and birds hidden from view.

“I have something for you.” The boy suddenly said with a gummy smile.

From behind his back, he retrieves a bracelet. It was green, made up of numerous beads and tiny rocks that complemented each other so well, it seemed they were put on this planet for the very purpose of adorning a Na’vi’s body.

You recognised the bracelet and the sight of it tugged at your heart. You felt your eyes tear up and cursed your mind for putting you through this again.

“This is like your bracelet!” The tiny girl says, with a wide smile.

“Yes, I told ma I lost mine and asked her very nicely to make me another and she did! I want you to have it. This way I have one and you have one. Just you and me.”

Just you and me. Just you and me. Just you and me.

You woke up in tears, eyes locked on the bracelet in question that was still residing on your nightstand. You didn’t wear it anymore, but couldn’t find it in your heart to part with it fully. It now lay next to your head, a bitter reminder of yet another road not taken. You cursed Neteyam for coming back into your life, if only briefly, just to resurface hurt you are yet to deal with or even acknowledge fully. You curse him for the bracelet, and the memories and yet another pain you have to deal with on your own. Always on your own.

The next few days went by in a blur. You spent the days buried in work, and the nights exercising and field stripping weapons. You refused to think, or sleep, or read or play music or really anything to would give your heart the opportunity to take over again. You passed out last night in the gym, but it was a dreamless slumber, which you were grateful for. This night was your last night at 17. You were waiting patiently for the clock to strike midnight as you were finishing up your last experiment for the day. You glanced at the clock, once, then twice, then three times. Eventually, it happened. And then nothing. No answers, no epiphanies, no nothing. Disappointed, but not entirely shocked, you chuckled at yourself for thinking life would give you an easy way out. After all, it never did. A little after 1AM, you made your way to your bed. You took one last look at your empty nightstand, then passed out.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAY!!!”

Your entire body snapped in an upright position at the sudden auditory onslaught. Your face settled in a deep frown as you were trying to make sense of the scene in front of you. At the edge of your bed on all sides were people. Kiri, Lo’ak, Norm, Max and Spider. They all had big smiles on their faces, a big contrast to your own. You actively tried to remove the frown from your features, and found it easy enough when you realised these people, these people you loved were here, for you.

“Thanks guys. Anyway, could I get some privacy so I can put some clothes and thank you properly??”

With a grunt that definitely came from Lo’ak, they all left you to get ready for the day. When you appeared in the dining room, you found a big basket filled with incredible Pandoran food, and you were happy to see your favourites as the most prominent.

“Oh my GOD, Banana fruitsss!! How did you guys find these??”

“Lo’ak may or may not have spent an inordinate amount of hours waiting for a couple to drop out of the push fruit tree that grows a few clicks from the village.” Kiri said, laughing and poking Lo’ak sides with her fingers.

You felt a lump in your throat form at the admission. God, you were so grateful for this boy. You could live a thousand lives and still not deserve him. Feeling you getting emotional, he dropped to his knees and opened his arms. You made your way to him and hugged him, as tightly as you could. You were not great with words, but you put all of your unspoken thoughts in that hug. Your size difference made both of you snicker, and with one last tug, you let go.

“Thank you, guys. You are great, really, I couldn’t ask for better people to be around today.”

“Come on, let’s eat. We have big plans awaiting.”

“Sing!!”

You spent the morning eating and talking, Lo’ak complaining about the training and the ass kicking he got from his dad after your last meeting. You were laughing at his exaggerated manner of speaking, excited to finally have him around to get you out of your funk.

“You guys always want me to sing, you need to pay me if you’re gonna treat me like a jukebox, you know?”

You picked up the guitar that Norm brought for you out of the recreation room. You took it in your arms and strummed the chords, making sure they were tuned correctly. You thought long and hard about a song, and you found it eventually, buried in your brain, along with the memory of your mum singing it to you as a child with tears streaming down her face.

“… Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?

Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it

She's still 23 inside her fantasy

How it was supposed to be"

You felt the tears coming, but you willed them away. Your heart was strong, but it couldn’t contend with your mind. You continued, pouring all of your frustrations with Neteyam, with yourself, with this life in the song.

Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it

She's still 23 inside her fantasy

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?

Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it

She's still 23 inside her fantasy and you're sitting in front of me"

You looked across the room and felt weird, sick ecstasy at the faces of the people around you, all of which looked sad and glossy-eyed. You didn’t want to make anyone sad, but you loved the power that music held. You loved that it brought people together, no matter the species, the language, the tone, the mood, you could always rely on music to provide unison.

If our love died young, I can't bear witness, and it's been so long

But if you ever think you got it wrong, I'm right where you left me

As you played the last chord of the song, you looked up and froze at the sight of Neteyam sitting by the door of the room, an unreadable expression marking his features. You registered people talking in your direction, but couldn’t decipher the words as you lay there, on the ground, guitar in hand, staring at the beautiful boy who did not allow your eyes to leave his own. You swear you saw a flicker of sadness in his big, yellow eyes you used to know so well, but as you were trying to decipher them, Spider’s oh-so-human face flooded your line of sight.

“Hello!! Earth to Y/N”

“It’s concerning how many times this happens”, Lo’ak intercepts.

You finally focus on the people who have come here for you, and put the guitar down with a small laugh.

“Sorry, guess I got way too into the song.”

“Yeah, what the hell’s up with that? It’s your birthday, it’s supposed to be a celebration and you’re making us depressed, instead.” Spider says, frowning.

“Sorry!” You whine, hoping the childish tone would earn a quicker forgiveness.

They all somehow roll their eyes simultaneously, which you find amusing.

“Mum and dad say it’s time.” It takes a second for your brain to register the Na’vi sentence. The deep voice breaks through the chatter and everyone turns their heads towards the oldest Sully sibling.

“Right!” Lo’ak says, patting his knees and getting up suddenly. “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!’

You knew it was dumb, but you were nervous, too nervous, to make your way to the Home Tree after so much time. It’s been years since you have been there, maybe since you’ve been anywhere, and it scared you more than you wanted to admit to yourself, or to anyone around you. Nevertheless, you put on your mask and secured your oxygen cartridge behind your back.

You bid a swift goodbye to Norm and Max, who said they will try to make it to the celebration later in the evening. You then stepped outside, eyes finding it hard to adjust to the natural brightness of Pandora. You found the mask uncomfortable, having been so long since you needed it last, and took a deep breath in your attempt to calm down and take it one step at a time.

Lo’ak was, as always, Neteyam thought, leading the pack. Spider followed suit and you and Kiri maintained a steady pace behind the two boys. Neteyam was quietly walking behind you. He was deep in thought, not being able to shake the image of you playing guitar and singing that song he had never heard before. He hasn’t heard you sing in so long and hearing it again opened a hole in his chest that he thought was long closed. His eyes followed you closely, taking in all the details about you he hoped he wouldn’t notice. Your hair was lighter than he remembered, not by much, but enough that it was there, present for him to see. You were tall, taller than you used to be, and taller than most human women he’s seen. You were wearing a skirt, he thinks it’s called, that flows every time the wind touches it. It’s black and it looks soft, and Neteyam can’t help but want to feel it for himself. Your top is braided and beaded, and it seems like a mix between human clothes and Na’vi wear. You back is completely bare short of a string that ties the top together and the man feels his heart picking up pace at the sight. Cursing under his breath, he moves his gaze on a piece of jewellery adorning your arm. A intricate bracelet, green and red, definitely Na’vi make. He remembers briefly Kiri making it for one of your previous birthdays and smiles sadly at the thought. Finally, his eyes settle on a deep scar on the back on your left leg. Before he can help himself, the memories flood his being…

Neteyam found himself once again, waiting outside the big metal building for you to come out. He was excited for today, too excited to put into words. It always took convincing for you to come out, especially recently, but he loved that you said yes to him, and not to Lo’ak or Kiri, for once. He knew you have been sad for a while, and was happy to do anything in his power to help. He jumped out of his skin when the door opened, and you laughed at him for being what you called a “scaredy cat”.

“I’m happy to see you, Neteyam”, you said, in Na’vi. He smiled to himself at your accent, but loved how hard you tried to speak to him in his own tongue. “Not happy you’re dragging me out, but if it means spending some time with you, I guess I will let it slide” You continued in English.

“I think you will be happy to be out for this”, Neteyam interjected. You walked together in comfortable silence, only speaking when you found a plant or animal you didn’t know the name of.

“Oh my God, this is so pretty, what’s it called?” You ask, enthusiastically.

“A’o” Neteyam answers you, smiling softly, never getting bored of your incessant line of questioning. Like with the language, he was just happy you cared.

“What are you wearing?” Neteyam asks, unable to stop himself.

“Oh, this?” You say, looking down at your choice of attire. “It’s just an old T-shirt I found in one of the drawers of the living quarters. I’m not sure whose it is, but I assume a big old man’s, cause it’s more a dress than a t-shirt at this point.”

“A T-shirt…” Neteyam said, contemplatively. He looked at it closer and saw an image he couldn’t quite understand on it and the word “Metallica” written on it. He didn’t know what it meant, so he dropped it. At least he learnt a new word today.

You walked like this for over an hour, but eventually reached the end of a cliff, that overlooked a beautiful waterfall. Neteyam thought this sight alone will make you feel better, but he had bigger plans in mind.

“Wow, this is beautiful! This was almost worth the fresh hell I felt when that bug went in my nose like 20 minutes ago.”

Neteyam laughed, and he revelled in the way only you seemed to be able to make him feel like this. Free and alive.

Standing on the edge of the cliff, Neteyam let out a high pitched yell, then turned around to look at you with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. He smiled as he heard the trees on the other side of the cliff ruffle, and watched with pride as a big bundle of green, yellow, red and blue emerged from the foliage and landed in front of him. He turned to you and let out a big laugh when he saw your face, jaw dropped in horror and amazement, eyes wide with the glint of curiosity he’s come to love so much.

“You did it!! I’m so so so proud of you, Neteyam!” You screamed, running at him and launching yourself as high as you could, knowing he would catch you in his arms. “And at 13, too! This has to be some sort of record, right?”

“I doubt it, but it still felt good doing it. I was shocked Mum and Dad even let me try it. Anyway, I wanted you to meet her.”

He swung you in his arms with ease, not weighing a lot more than his baby sister, who was just around 3 years old. He finally placed you back on the ground with care, right in front of the Ikran. He made tsaheylu and waited patiently as you were building it up the courage to approach the mighty being that was lowly cooing and nudging its head against Neteyam’s. He felt his heart skip a beat at the sight of your beautiful face, and said a silent prayer, thanking Eywa for still being able to bring that expression to your otherwise crestfallen figure.

Once it seemed you became comfortable enough around her to pet, he clicked his tongue and motioned for you to get on. You let out an incredulous laugh and shook you head.

“No way in Hell, are you insane??”

“Come on, Y/N. I never pegged you for a coward.”

After this many years, he knew how to push you buttons. He saw your smile drop and your eyes take on that expression that almost frightened him. Thank the Great Mother you were human, cause you would be a force to behold as a Na’vi.

“Damn you, Neteyam.” You said, slowly getting up on the banshee and making yourself comfortable in front of the boy. He felt your back flushed against his bare chest, and suppressed a shudder that threatened his body.

“It will be fun, you will see. Here, hold on here, and don’t let go. I will have my arms around you at all times, and I promise to make her go slowly.” You refused to acknowledge him, and he found himself laughing, again.

Without any other words, he willed the ikran to take off. You let out an involuntary yelp, but otherwise you were brave and strong, just like he knew you to be. Once you were above the forest, he found you staring in awe beneath you, his gaze locked on the side of your face and on the smile that made him happy to be alive at the same time as you, just so he can experience it over and over. You flew like this for a long time, just taking in the beauty of this world that you both called home. A beauty that he knew you never got to experience, not the way you should have, not the way you deserved. He saw a tear escape your eyes and make its way down your cheeks and settle in between your lips, and cursed himself for not being able to take it away, the pain he knew clawed at you every waking moment since your mum died. You have never been the same since.

“Thank you for this, Neteyam.” You said, softly. “I wish there was a way to show this to her, a way to share this experience. I know she would have loved it as much as I do, maybe more.” You settled comfortably on his chest and sighed.

He didn’t get a chance to formulate a response, though, as a loud shriek came from his Ikran and he felt the panic overtake him as the tsaheylu made the feeling echo in between them. Looking up, he saw what no man wants to see: Toruk, his dad’s former pet, launching itself at the two teenagers and their ikran. Clearing his mind, Neteyam removed a hand from the reigns for balance and banked left abrubtly, diving straight for the trees, that were fortunately not too far below them. As if life suddenly stopped to a halt, he was able to experience the next harrowing moments in slow-motion - the diving, the terror of watching your frame slowly disappear from his line of sight, your voice screaming his name as you dropped towards the ground, his own voice getting caught in his throat trying to call for you, willing his Ikran to go faster than he thought was possible in an attempt to catch you, the pool of red liquid spilling from your frame as you impaled your leg on a broken Pxiut hitting the ground. He quickly removed himself from the Ikran and ran to you, picking you up in his arms, trying to ignore the way the blood was spilling down his torso and dripping on the ground. He looked at your unconscious body in his arms and felt the first crack in his heart form, a crack yet to be healed to this day. He pushed back the tears that were starting to pool and got back on the Ikran, flying as fast as he could through the foliage. As soon as he could see the outline of the metal building, he stopped the animal and got off, running with you in his arms. It’s all a blur afterwards. He remembers going home, your now-dried blood still marking his skin like a tattoo, he remembers crying in his mum’s arms, he remembers the guilt that poisoned his mind and heart and he remembers sitting on a cold floor next to what humans called an operating room, waiting to hear if the damage he has caused you will plague you for the rest of your life.

His eyes never left the scar on your leg, and, as he forced himself out of the torturous memory, couldn’t help noticing the slight limp with which you walked towards the village.

Crack.

Tag list :-): @mashiromochi

#neteyam #neteyam fanfic #neteyam fanfiction #neteyam x human!reader #neteyam x avatar!reader #avatar #avatar fanfic #avatar twow #atwow #atwow fanfic #avatar loak #loak #loak fanfiction

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closetsof-backlogged-dreams · 2 months

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HI QUEEN!!!! thoughts on the vision morgause showed to arthur and her motivations/was she lying/ should Arthur have killed uther?

AHHHHHH IVE BEEN WANTED TO BE ASKED THIS AND I DIDNT EVEN KNOW IT

alright so i think the first thing that needs to be considered is what her intentions were when she showed him the vision. i think the main consensus is that she wanted Arthur to kill Uther, and while i agree, i think Morgause deserves a few more layers than that. i genuinely think Morgause wanted the truth to be known.

imo, from what we've seen, Morgause is extremely similar to Morgana. in the early seasons, Morgana is justice with kindness. Morgause is justice without. Later, we watch Morgause slowly "corrupt" Morgana and watch her lose her kindness, turning her into the heartless villain she is by season five.

i think Morgause, while not out of the deep goodness of her heart, saw the injustice, and wanted it to be corrected. this manifested mostly in the form of Uther's death, but i do believe a small part of her just wanted the truth to be known :)

whether or not she was lying is something we will never truly know, but she could have been lying about two different things, and i want to attack them separately.

i 100% believe she wasn't lying about Uther using magic for Arthur's birth. i've wondered A LOT how the fuck she knew though, because sorry, who told her?? and merlin is the show it is, so it doesn't tell you these things, but there are enough breadcrumbs left behind so that we can assume she was a pupil of Nimueh's and learned of it from her.

but whether it was actually a vision of Ygraine? i really don't know. i'm not going to lie, the first time i saw the scene, it gave me all the wrong vibes. the ghost of Ygraine is able to meet her son for >5 minutes and one of the maybe two things she says to him is about how Uther used magic to birth Arthur and it killed her?? i don't know. it's strange.

but we also have to remember that we actually don't know anything about Ygraine! honestly, the fandom and fics tend to mention her x10 more than the actual show does. Arthur hardly speaks of her, as well as Uther, and we have to remember that this is the man who essentially killed his wife and is forced to live with that every goddamn day and is 100% romanticizing the woman she was—and then all Arthur has ever heard of her is this romanticized version from his father, and this is the dead mother he's never met. he's going to do some embellishing of her own.

so, for all we know, Ygraine was a terrible person. we really don't know. so i have no conclusive answer to whether or not Morgause was lying about it being a vision, and i think the show actually intended it that way. because that doesn't actually matter. what Ygraine said—that's the truth. the cold, honest truth. whether it actually came from his mother or from a false mimicry of her doesn't actually matter.

another thing i find really interesting is that while Morgause was obviously trying to provoke Arthur with this information and was clearly manipulating him, she really didn't take any extreme steps to ensure he killed Uther. this was also her first step to bring down Uther. it's almost like she tried to find the most moral option she could that dealt the fairest form of justice, and only when it failed was she forced to resort to more gruesome, hands-on approaches.

it also really doesn't seem like she has anything against Arthur in the beginning, which is so fascinating to me, but moving on lol.

now for the BIG one:

should Arthur have killed Uther in The Sins of the Father?

god, this one is hard, because you have to consider it from all angles.

from an objective, justice-based standpoint, you could say that Morgause was absolutely in the right in all of this, and that after learning this information, it was Arthur's duty to kill his father. his father killed his own wife due to his desperation for an heir, and then spent half a lifetime destroying an entire culture and group of people in an attempt to stem his guilt.

so, yes. Arthur should have killed his father, if we're viewing this from the eyes of pure justice.

but for Arthur's own conscious? from a political standpoint? absolutely the fuck not. it would have destroyed Arthur. even when Uther died season four, he was a wreck, so imagine if it has been Arthur. dear god.

and then imagine being an average citizen of Camelot, for whom Uther was probably an alright to not great king, but no one who deserves death, and learning that your beloved Prince Arthur committed patricide and his now king? jesus. that's not how you establish good subject-monarch relations.

and if enemy kingdoms heard about it? god, all the knights must be horribly divided, because most of them swore themselves to Camelot and its royalty, but who the hell do you stand with when your two royals tried to kill each other and one of them was successful? enemy kingdoms would attack, and with their armies as divided as they'd be, who knows how that'd go.

so overall, no. i genuinely believe Arthur shouldn't have killed his father. but that doesn't mean that Uther didn't deserve death.

anyways, i think that's all! this was a lot of fun, and tysm for the ask once again <3

#merlin meta #merthur #merlin #bbc merlin #bbcm #merlin thoughts #merlin discussion #morgause #the sins of the father #arthur pendragon

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tojikai · 2 years

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FIX YOU

PART I: Fix You | PART II: The Sun Will Rise | PART III: Closest to Heaven | PART IV: Open Arms

Pairing: Toji x Reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: explicit smut, insecurities

"But you are here, right in front of me."

"I don't know, Megumi. I don't want to talk about it." You heard Toji as you were walking down the hallway of the house. You adjusted the laundry basket that is sitting on your hip.

"Why not, Dad? She's your girlfriend; she's a great person." Megumi answered, his voice just a little louder than a whisper.

You were about to step out and join in the conversation when Toji's following words halted your steps. No, not just your steps. It halted your heartbeat. It halted the blood in your veins. It halted the spinning Earth that you are standing on.

"It's not that deep."

The sound of a wooden chair scraping the floor filled the quiet house as you stood there with cold hands. Are you really listening in on this conversation? Should you run away and stop yourself from confirming what you already know? You don't know precisely what their topic is, but one thing's for sure:

Toji was referring to your relationship.

"It's been 3 years, Dad. How can you say it's not that deep?" You heard Toji sigh at his son's persistence. The click of his tongue bounced at the walls of your home. It entered your ears and bolted straight to your heart.

He's upset. Why is he so upset?

You were getting frustrated as you tightly gripped the handle of the basket. It would leave marks, and he would scold you later for carrying something heavy enough to stain your skin. That's how this night would end. That's how this night should end.

"It's not that easy," Toji spoke a bit harshly to Megumi, but the volume of his voice lowered as if not wanting anybody else to hear him. It's only the three of you in that house. And it's definitely you who wasn't supposed to listen to that.

The waterline of your eyes started to itch as you bit the inside of your cheek. You don't wanna hear any more of it.

"You guys done?" You smiled at them as their eyes snapped to your figure, putting down the basket to clean up the tables.

"Your cooking was good as usual, Y/N." Megumi showed a slight smile up at you as you wiped the table. The boy was close to you. In fact, he even said that he sees you as his stepmom already, despite not having married his father yet.

"Okay, what do you need?" You joked, thinking he's about to request something cause he complimented your cooking. He rarely asks for anything to be done for him, though. Toji raised him to be independent, and you admired him for that.

Despite the time you and Toji have been together, you don't know much about his wife. Megumi said that his Dad avoids the topic 'cause her death still hurts him.

You could only imagine the pain he went through during those times. He had to raise his son alone, and they weren't very financially stable at that time.

"It's nothing like that! I just said it's good." Megumi raised his hands while giggling as if to prove his innocence. You chuckled at him, shaking your head to look at Toji.

He's already staring at you. You wondered if he's thinking if you heard their conversation. You hoped that he wasn't. Because you're ready to forget it. You're prepared to forget what you heard. You're prepared to just let it go and continue your life with Toji. As usual.

You still don't know what they're talking about, but you have your guesses. You just don't know what to do with them. Should you try to covertly find out what it was?

Are you even ready to find out what it was?

After a little while of chatting and playful bickering between the three of you, Megumi decided to head to bed. You and Toji are now alone in the kitchen with his hands gripping the counter on either side of you as he kisses your neck.

"Missed you." He murmured, cupping your covered breasts before kissing the top of them. There was something different about this. His kisses, his touch, and his eyes are eager. Too eager for someone who does it almost every night.

But not too eager for someone who's trying to distract you.

You sighed as his hand cupped your pussy, rubbing your clothed womanhood as he caught your mouth. You grabbed his wrist and put a hand on his chest.

"Not here. What if Megumi comes down?" Toji sighed as he pulled your hands, heading towards your bedroom. He took his shirt off, tossing it somewhere around the room before going back to kissing you, harder this time.

He lifted you by your thighs, not breaking the kiss. He moved to the bed and lay you down. He wrapped your legs around his waist as he groped your body, grinding his crotch against your core. You whimpered to the kiss as he pushed his tongue deeper into your mouth.

His kisses then trailed down to your neck, collar bone, chest, and stomach. His hot breath sent chills down your spine, making you arch your back as he kissed your hips.

Your mind was getting hazy but not enough to cover the earlier events. The tenderness of Toji's kisses opposed the sharpness of his words that reverberated inside your brain.

Your eyes traveled down to his as he stared up at you. Why is he staring at you? Only then did you notice that his caresses had fully stopped.

"What's wrong? You zoned out." Toji got up, leaning on his arms as his previously lustful expression changed into a serious one.

"I was just...I was thinking..." You trailed, looking anywhere but his eyes. Why'd you had to space out at a time like this? You already ruined the mood but still couldn't bring yourself to ask.

"Are you worried about something?" He moved closer to you, waiting for an answer. You don't know how or where to start. But your thoughts wouldn't grant you peace, and the only way to know is to ask.

"I heard you and Megumi talking earlier." You started to sit up on the bed when you noticed how Toji's jaw tightened.

"I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but—" Toji cut you off by sighing, turning his back on you as he sat on the side of the bed. You stared at him, waiting for an explanation, but he was taking too long, and your heartbeat felt like it was only getting faster and faster, louder and louder.

"Babe, I didn't hear all of it. I only heard the—" This time, he turned to you. The expression on his face was cold as he spoke.

"It's about marriage, okay? He was asking me if we had marriage plans. I...I don't really want to think about it, Y/N." He got up from the bed. You felt the back of your eyes get hot as you watched him pick up the shirt he discarded earlier.

"Why not? We can talk about it." You sounded pathetic. You know that, but this is about you and Toji. You pushed this topic to the back of your mind a year ago because you thought he'd ask you when he was ready.

Will he ever be ready?

You and Toji live like a married couple. Everything that a married couple does, you and Toji do too. So, why does the idea seem so bad to him? Does he not see a future with you when you've already been together for 3 years?

"Why? Do we have to? We're fine like this, Y/N." He let out an exasperated sigh, turning back to you just as he was about to grab the door handle.

"It's just that...my family's been asking too." You put your feet on the floor, standing up to go closer to him.

"Is that why you want to get married so bad?" He snapped, glowering at you, and you felt like crying cause you hate it when he's angry. You hated having situations like this with him.

Because he forgets that he loves you when the two of you fight.

"Y/N, this shouldn't be about them. They cannot decide or force us to do something just because they want it." He added as he started to prance around the room. Frustration was evident in his features.

"It's not just them. It's not just because they want it. Babe, I want it too and—"

"Well, I don't!"

Silence.

There was a long silence. You couldn't bring yourself to speak after what he said. You struggled to contain your sobs as they erupted from your throat. You stood there, staring back at him with glassy eyes.

"I can't, Y/N." He sighed. His gaze on you softened as he took in your state.

You didn't know when the tears started to fall down from your eyes, when your breath started to shake, or how you ended up hugging your knees as you sat on the cream-colored carpet of your bedroom.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I just can't. That. Marriage. I don't know if I," He paused, taking a deep breath, and slightly shook his head.

"I don't know if I want something like that with you." He continued as he stared at the bedside drawer that contained his ring.

His and his late wife's ring.

You weren't that surprised anymore. She was his rock during his toughest times. She was with him when he was alone. She's the mother of his child. She's the love of his life.

And you? You're the girlfriend of 3 years, but where does that put you?

You remember him telling you not to expect so much. You promised that you won't. And you broke that promise tonight. You cannot blame him. It's not his fault that he cannot love you the way he loved Megumi's mom.

It's not his fault that he cannot put you first in his heart.

And so, you got up. You wiped your tears, controlled your sobs, and picked your broken pieces up. There was nothing to talk about anymore. You don't have to fight with him anymore.

You understand, and you will always understand. Because it's him. And to you, it will always be him.

You fixed yourself before walking to him and hugging him. You bury your face in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent as you try to ignore the throbbing pain in your chest.

"I'm sorry, babe. I shouldn't have brought it up." You whispered to him as you felt him relax a bit, taking a deep breath.

"Let's just go to sleep. You have work early tomorrow." You rubbed his shoulders, watching his face. His eyes looked into yours, and though they looked calmer now, the annoyance was still there. Sighing, he walked away from you and took off his shirt as he walked towards the bed, not waiting for you before getting under the covers and turning away from your side.

Does he really hate the idea that much that even though you took it back, he's still mad? Tears were about to fall from your eyes again, but you did your best to stop them.

You got under the covers and moved closer to him, embracing him. Your chest was pressed against his back, and your lips were on his shoulder blade.

"I won't stop you if you want to go and look for someone who wants to marry you." The words he spoke to your heart only wounded it more.

You know that he still hasn't fully moved on from Megumi's mom. He yearns for her every day, every second you spend with him. He sees her in everything that you guys do.

He calls for her name in his sleep. He called for her name a couple of times when he fucked you while intoxicated. He cries for her at night when he thinks you're far into the dreamland. He has her picture in his wallet, and he kisses it good night with the gentlest 'I love you' you've ever heard from him. You know all of these, yet you still stayed.

And you will always stay.

Because you know that the person he is calling for is no longer here. Because you know that the person he is crying for will never come back. Because you understand that this is the only thing he could do to feel a little closer to her. Because you know how strong love is, and you know that the intensity of Toji's love for his dead wife is as profound as your feelings for him.

It will never die.

"I'm sorry, but I just don't see us like that, Y/N..." He trailed with a small, exasperated sigh. As if that short talk alone drained every bit of energy in his body. And it probably did. He's this vulnerable when it concerns her.

"Then how do you see us?" Your voice cracked as you held him tighter, afraid that he'd leave you and never come back if you let go of him now.

"I don't know, Y/N. If you're trying to take my wife's place, then just...just stop. We're fine. I love you, you're my girlfriend, and I'm your boyfriend." He paused, trying to think of the right words to deliver the message.

"We're good like this. Just... know your place. Don't get your hopes up so much." And this was what completely shattered you. You closed your eyes tight as you quietly sobbed on his back. But he never turned to comfort you.

That night you slept with a broken heart and a broken hope of building a family with the man you love the most.

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Your arms were wrapped around Toji's waist, and your legs were tangled with his under the covers when you woke up. He's now facing you, and you can't help but admire his features. You brought up your hand to touch his jawline before leaning in and pecking his lips.

You remembered the fight you had the night before, and the pain in your heart came back along with its memories. As you stared at his face, you wondered how it feels like to be someone he dreams about every night.

She must've been a wonder.

You thought as you slowly retracted your hand, feeling like you were touching someone else's belonging. You don't want to compare yourself with his late wife.

You can't compare anyway.

A voice whispered in your head, and this time you completely detached your body from his. It felt like you were trespassing on someone else's property. It suddenly felt wrong to touch him like this.

'Know your place.'

You got up from the bed just as the tears started to form in your eyes. Maybe you're really trying too hard. Or perhaps you're just trying when there's no point in doing so at all.

He's right. The both of you are doing fine. You will be fine as long as he's staying with you. You will be fine as long as he wants you by his side.

You started preparing for breakfast, and not long after, Megumi already came downstairs complaining about some assignment their teacher gave them last minute. You appreciate that he could vent to you. It made you feel accepted.

Megumi can't really tell you much about his mother. The only reason for it was that he didn't remember much of her. He only tells you what his Dad told him. She's a sweet, kind, and loving person. She made him a better man.

You can't help but wonder if you have the same effect on Toji. He was never cold towards you. He's never over-affectionate, either. It was fine with you because you're the type of person who wants to take care of others rather than get taken care of.

But... what is it like to be taken care of by someone like Toji?

"...with Dad yet, Y/n?" Megumi's voice cut your thoughts as you turn to him but not before checking the hotdog on the pan. Thankfully, they aren't burnt yet.

"Huh?" You asked the kid as he tapped his fingers on the table listlessly.

"I said, don't you have plans with Dad yet?" He repeated, and the night before flashed before your eyes. The words he said echoed in your head, and the look on his face made you take a shaky breath as you thought of an answer to give.

"Plans?" Despite thinking hard, that was the only thing that came out of your mouth. Once again, you remembered what Toji said. You should know your place.

"Yes, plans. Like are you engaged? or are you planning on getting married already or...?" He trailed as you stared at him, worried that you might say something wrong.

"Maybe... a baby? I won't mind a half-sibling, really." He giggled a bit as Toji's figure came into view.

"You asking for a sibling, kid? Think you can take care of one?" He reached to ruffle Megumi's hair from across the table as he walked towards you.

You swallowed as you turned around to switch the stove off. His arms snaked around your waist as he gently turned your face towards him to give you a peck on the lips.

"Morning." He murmured. He pressed his lips to yours for a couple of seconds before pulling away and sitting down in front of Megumi.

You put the food on the table and started eating. You were about to put food on their plates like you always do but stopped yourself from doing so.

You did not want to seem like you were trying to replace his mother.

"Let's eat. There's a long day ahead." You settled down with the simple phrase, smiling at Megumi. He stared at you with a hint of perplexity in his eyes for a couple of seconds before putting food on his plate.

The clinking of silverware on the plate echoed in the kitchen as all of you ate in silence.

"How was your sleep?" Toji asked Megumi as the boy stuffed his mouth with food. You can feel Toji taking glances at you as he waits for his son to swallow his food.

"It was good. Except for the messages my teacher left in our group chat. It's all last-minute school work." He sighed deeply, taking his glass of juice before looking at you.

"You got something to do tomorrow? There's going to be a meeting for the upcoming school tour." His hopeful gaze was directed at you, and you don't know if you should say yes because... it's a parents' meeting.

Can you really come to a parents' meeting when you're just his father's girlfriend?

"You attended once for me before, right? If you're not busy tomorrow, can you come again?" You can feel Toji's eyes burning holes in your face as they wait for an answer.

You don't want to overstep your boundaries.

"Uhm, I..." You glanced at Toji before looking back to Megumi. You thought that it's best for the real parent to decide.

"What about your Dad? He can come this time, if...if he's not that busy. Right, Toji?" You nervously looked into his eyes as he stopped chewing on his food. You gave Megumi a small smile in an attempt to hide your awkwardness.

"Uh...yeah, I guess. What time is it?" You can see Toji glance at you as you continue to eat, letting the two converse.

You don't want to turn Megumi down. You want to be there for him. But you also don't want to look like you're trying hard to act like his mother.

You aren't. Toji made that clear.

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When the two left, you didn't see them out in the front door like you always do. You gave Toji a peck on the lips before he went out to start the car and a small 'good luck on your day' while they picked up their lunch boxes and bags. Megumi looked back at you before going out, and you gave him a smile of encouragement as you wiped the kitchen table.

"She didn't see us out today," Megumi spoke to his Dad as he sat down in the car. It became weird for him not to see you waving goodbye as they pulled out of the driveway.

Toji cleared his throat as he pretended not to hear before changing the topic by pointing out something across the street.

"Is Y/N going somewhere tomorrow? Why can't she come?" Megumi brought you up again, looking at his Dad through the mirror. Toji glanced back at him before answering.

"Why? Don't you want me to attend your school meeting this time?" The light turned red before they could cross. Megumi recalled the last time you attended the school meeting for him, and his friends were asking him about who you are.

'My stepmom.' He answered, seeing you smile at him fondly. That was the first time he introduced you to his friends. He wasn't taking those words lightly. He definitely knows what he was saying. He just thought that if he's going to have a stepmom, it should be you.

He doesn't really remember his mother. That's why it's not that hard for him to accept you. Plus, you're a lovely person. It's impossible not to get attached to you.

Megumi wouldn't say it, but he longs for the day he could officially call you 'mom.'

"It's not that. You have work. I thought you might be busy." He looked out the window as the people crossed the street.

"Not really. I'd be there." Toji answered curtly, nodding at him as they waited for the green light to appear. The rest of the ride was spent in silence.

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A couple of days have passed since the argument between you and Toji. He'd be lying if he said that he did not notice the changes in your behavior. You still do what you always did for them, but he could tell that you were limiting yourself this time.

Megumi's been asking him about it. He knows that his son sees you as his mother already. He was just a baby when his mother passed, and he understands that he's looking for that affection that you unconditionally give him, them.

"Can you make my plate for me? I kinda miss it." Megumi asked you one morning, with a slight pout on his lips. Toji's eyes immediately flew to you, watching how you'd respond to Megumi's request.

"Uhm, yeah. Of course, what do you like?" You smiled, taking Megumi's plate and waiting for him to answer.

"You know what's best for me." He answered, leaning his hand on the table. Megumi was right. Toji knows that you know what his son likes and needs.

Toji was deep in thought when the sound of the door closing snapped him out of it. You stepped out of the bathroom in your robe while drying your hair with a towel.

"Dad, I'm going now." Megumi knocked three times on the bedroom door before entering. Tonight, he'll be sleeping over at his friend's house.

"Yuuji and his dad are here to pick me up." He spoke to Toji, spotting you in front of the vanity.

"Bye, Y/N. See you tomorrow!" He walked towards you, kissing you on the cheek before quickly running out of the bedroom. You avoided Toji's gaze as he stared at you through the vanity mirror.

"See you, have fun!" You called as you heard Megumi run down the stairs. Toji watched you as you brushed your hair.

Toji always finds himself smiling a bit whenever you and Megumi interact like this. It makes his heart swell and ache at the same time. It made him question why he hasn't made any future plans with you yet when nothing's in between you right now.

Nothing but the memories of his dead wife.

"C'mere." He spoke, which made you look at him through the mirror for a couple of seconds before seeing him beckon you over. You walked towards him, about to sit on the edge of the bed, when he grabbed your arm and sat you between his thighs.

"What is it?" You asked him, feeling him wrap his arms around your robe-clad waist. He placed his lips on the shoulder, inhaling your scent as his hand traveled from your waist to your side.

"How are you?" You felt his hand caress your thigh as he kisses your shoulder.

"Work's a bit more hectic these days." You answered him, holding the arm that he had wrapped around your waist before leaning your head back on his shoulder, giving him access to your neck.

"I'm asking about you, not your work." He kissed from behind your ears traveling down to your neck, making you place your hand on his head, letting your fingers play with his dark strands.

"I'm okay." You replied shortly, feeling his kisses on your skin stop.

"You're not." He grabbed your face gently, turning your head towards him and kissing your lips. He licked your lips before letting it explore the inside of your mouth, making you moan. He grunts in your mouth as his hand snaked to the inside of your thighs, kneading the soft flesh.

"I was awake that morning you withdrew your hands from me." He whispered to you as he pinned you on the bed, "You are not fine, Y/N." He continued, undoing your robe while he kissed your jaw. He pushed the robe out of the way as he left marks on your chest.

"Toji..." You were about to stop him when he took a nipple in his mouth, looking up at you. You moaned, running your fingers through his hair as he growled, playing with your other nipple with his fingers.

"What's going on in your head? Y/N, you have to tell me." He parted your legs as wide as they could go, making you blush when you realized the exposure.

Toji was aware of what happened that morning after that argument. He's aware that you stopped yourself from caressing him, almost afraid. Like he was something you're not supposed to lay your hands on.

He realized the weight of his words and how they must've crushed your heart and all the plans you always shared with him. He didn't mean them. He loved Megumi's mom, but he knew she was not coming back.

You do not deserve to be treated like this when all you ever did was try and give them the home they have been deprived of.

What he had with his dead wife is nothing but memories now. Her memories will always be in the back of his mind, but you are here, and he knows you will always be here right in front of him.

"You need to tell me, baby." He pushes his clothed crotch to your heat. He switched to your other nipple, kissing around it before hungrily latching his mouth on it. The feeling of his wet tongue circling your bead and the growing tent on his pants rubbing on you made your body heat up.

Toji doesn't know how else to get you to talk. He's not the 'roses and romance' type of guy. But he doesn't want to live with you like this. He hates it. He hates that you prioritize him over yourself to the point that you disregard your own feelings for him.

You've been on edge since that night, and he knows it. He knows that even if it bothers you a lot, you still wouldn't tell him about it. It terrified him that you'd get tired of all of it soon—of him.

The thought of you growing distant and cold and leaving made his head spin. He'd probably go insane because he knows that he's too much, but nobody can handle him as well as you do.

"Tell me where it hurts, love. I'll fix it." He looked into your eyes, almost begging. The pain that you've been ignoring during the past week suddenly intensified. The realization that this—this heated moment—this body and skin is all you'll ever get from him destroyed you even more.

Toji kissed your lips hard, and your hands roamed around each other's bodies. You tugged at the hem of his shirt, making him break the kiss to take it and his boxer off. You took his large member into your hands, spitting on it before starting to stroke him up and down.

"Fuck. Y/N." He hissed when you licked and sucked his tip. Toji's plan was to make love to you while talking this problem through, but when you licked the underside of his cock up and down and sucked his balls, he could only throw his head back and grunt.

You're going faster than you usually do.

You swirled your tongue around the head before taking his whole length into your mouth, making his hand grab your hair and his hips thrust into your throat as he chased your warmth. You hollowed your cheeks as you bobbed your head up and down. He slightly tugged on your hair to make you look up at him. He locked eyes with you, staring deep into your teary ones. You're so fucking beautiful like this.

But Toji couldn't tell if the tears were from taking him deep into your throat or because of the pain he's causing you.

"No. Don't wanna cum yet," Toji grunted, stopping you and pulling you up to kiss your lips again. Your lips were swollen, and saliva ran down your chin as he completely took your robe from your body.

"Wanna be inside you." He flicked and pinched your nipples as he nibbled on your bottom lip. You turned around and got on all fours. You arched your back, pressing your head onto the mattress. Your ass was in the air, and your glistening holes were both exposed to him.

Toji was a bit shocked. It's not like you haven't taken it from behind before, but for you to want it before any other position is new to him. As much as Toji loves the sight of your ass bouncing with his every thrust, he also wants to see your pleasured face.

You felt his tip rub against your folds and swollen clit, making you whine. Toji pulled your legs farther apart before plunging two fingers into your hole to make sure you were ready to take him. He's big, and he knows that it will hurt if he just slams into you.

You moaned, feeling his long fingers massage your spongy walls. Your wetness trickled on his hand, and it only made him harder. He sucked his fingers when he pulled out, humming at your taste. You felt him put his tip inside you, slowly pushing his length all the way in. It burns, and it burns so good.

"So fucking tight." He kneads your ass cheeks, thrusting slowly at first before gradually increasing in speed. You were already screaming his name after a couple of thrusts. You felt so full as he slams into you. You reached for your clit as you buried your face into the pillow.

"So good…" You cried out as you rolled your ass to his hips, his hard cock reaching the deepest parts of you. Toji flipped your body without warning, and your arm immediately flew to your face.

Your moans got louder as Toji rammed into you, replacing your finger with his to rub your pearl. You turned your face away from him, not knowing that he's been observing you.

This is the first time you've had sex since the two of you fought, and you've been hiding your face the whole time as much as you can.

"Don't…I want to see your face." He grabbed your hand to move them away, and Toji felt a pang in his chest when he saw your swollen eyes and tear-stained cheeks. You were sobbing underneath him, and he knows that this one's not just because of pleasure.

"Please… Just make me cum. Toji, please." You begged him as you rocked your hips against him, desperate for release. Toji stared at your face as you looked down to where you two were connected.

You look so broken, so sad, yet still craving for him. You were breaking your own heart as you yearned for him, his heart, and his love, and Toji could tell that you have been keeping it all inside you. He didn't know that it's been killing you like this.

The words he said that night completely shattered you, and he's only seeing the severity of the damage now.

"Baby, tell me how you feel." He urges you. His thrusts are unceasing as tears continue to fall down from your eyes. He intertwines your fingers, kissing your eyelids as he feels your walls spasm around him, sending him to the edge.

"Y/N..." He growls into your ear, kissing the side of your head as you clench around him. Your orgasm hits you hard. Your toes curled as you cried out his name. Your walls were squeezing his cock. He grunts at how tight you feel around him. His hands were gripping the back of your knees as his hips stuttered, signaling his climax.

He slams his hips into you, burying his throbbing cock deep inside you as you feel his thick, hot load fill you up. Your whole body was shuddering underneath him as he continued to sloppily thrust into you.

His lips were on your forehead as your thighs trembled around his waist. After Toji caught his breath, only your restrained sobs could be heard around the room. Toji despised himself for making you feel like this. He plops down beside you, pulling you to his chest.

"I'm sorry. Y/N, I'm sorry." He made you look up at him, kissing your lips as you continued to softly cry. Toji furrowed his eyebrows. He never knew that seeing you cry like this could hurt him this much.

"I was caught off guard that night. I didn't mean it like that. Listen, baby. She's gone, and I know that she's not coming back. But you are here, right in front of me." He tried to convince you, desperate to make you believe that he's not letting the past hold him back anymore.

"It's okay. It's not your fault. You don't have to force yourself into that. It's alright, I know where I should stand." You answered him, hiccupping as you pulled the covers to your smaller frame. He could only watch as you caressed his cheek and kissed his forehead before turning away from him, curling to your side of the bed.

You looked so fragile. Your shoulders were still shaking as you hugged the blankets closer to you as if trying to console yourself. The sight made Toji's throat constrict, his heart clenching every second he spent looking at your broken figure.

He pulled you close to him, his chest pressed against your back as he whispered sincere apologies. He was peppering kisses on your shoulder blades. Like how you did with him the night you fought.

That night, Toji slept with a broken angel beside him, leaving him the heart that he shattered.

#angst #smut #toji #toji fushiguro #toji angst #toji smut #toji x reader #toji x you #toji zenin #toji fushiguro x reader #toji fushiguro x you #jujutsu kaisen angst #jujutsu kaisen

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wordsaresimple-imnot · 19 days

Text

That final line - Joe Liebgott x F!Reader

Summary: Things have changed between Joe and Reader after bearing witness to the Concentration camp. They moved from being best friends to something more emotionally intimate. Now that the war in Europe is over will they cross the last line and become physically intimate?

Warnings: 18+ content (smut, p in v) angst-ish (mentions of war & concentration camp), comforting each other, tooth rotting fluff at end, she/her pronouns (no use of y/n or 1st person POV, but told from Liebgott's perspective sorta).

A/N: I have the biggest respect for the real life heroes of WWII (and all other wars, past & current), this work & all other works is based on the actor(s) and character(s) portrayed in the Band of Brothers series.

A/N pt 2: I love how this turned out. Basically this is just my own self-indulgence wish that I could have held and taken care of Liebgott after that scene of him crying in the truck. As always, let me know what you think! I tried a different writing perspective and I like it, hopefully you do too. Comments, likes, and reblogs make me happy and feel validated!

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Joe Liebgott would forever be a different man. Easy Company had just liberated Kaufering IV but that included locking the poor souls back up for the medics to be able to try and get them back from the brink of death. The whole thing had left Joe feeling broken and full of pure rage and despair he didn't know how to get rid of it. So he grabbed a bottle of wine and wondered till he found a tree isolated enough he wouldn't easily be found. He just needed space.

He'd been alone for hours, judging by how low the sun was hanging, bottle long since empty, and eyes sore and dry from tears when he heard a twig snap. Looking around the tree, his heart both swelled and shattered at the sight of the person walking towards him. She was his best friend, been that way since Toccoa and all through the war thus far. The only person that could calm him down when his hot-headedness got the better of him and always had his back in every combat situation. He never had to worry when she was around. She was also the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen and had long since accepted that his heart would always speed up a little when she was in eyesight. While his heart had the usual reaction at seeing her, he couldn't help but feel broken anew at the sadness on her face and emptiness in her eyes. He wasn't the only one tore up from their recent experience.

"I've been looking for you everywhere." She speaks barely above a whisper as she drops down next to him, already leaning against his arm.

"I'm sorry, I just had to get away for a while. I should have found you and brought you with me." He leans over to drop a kiss on the top of her head.

There's a beat of silence and then she speaks again, still in a low whisper, "Do you think they'll make it?"

The words are a dagger to his already bruised and bleeding heart. He gives a small sniff, trying to hold back the fresh tears.

"I don't know." He feels her turn her body towards him and knows she's taking in his appearance detail by detail.

"You can let it out, Joe. I know this is tearing you up. Please don't hold it in and let it destroy you." One hand grasps his while the other gently takes his chin and turns his head so their eyes meet. He tries to push the emotions back down and come up with something to say, but he loses all resolve when her hand moves to cup his cheek and wipe away a stray tear that falls out.

Joe is suddenly wrapping his arms around her, pressing his face in the crook of her neck and letting it all out. He feels her shift them so he's laying mostly on her, her back against the tree and arms tightly wrapped around him. One hand is gripping the back of his jacket tightly, holding him to her, the other is gently stroking his head, and when he feels the side of his face getting wet he knows she's crying too.

They stay like that for hours, until the sun is nearly gone and all tears have been let out. Even after the tears, they don't move, finding too much comfort in holding each other. The only thing that gets them finally moving is their stomachs growling. Joe gets up first, holding his hand out to help her up and starts walking them back to find some food. He looks down briefly when he feels her intertwine their fingers and give his hand a squeeze. The first smile he's had in days makes it way across his face and he squeezes her hand back.

As the days dragged on ahead, their bond grew even tighter. There was a new level of safety and vulnerability that blossomed. Hands would brush more often, hugs turned tighter and longer, if they were able to they'd often be found napping together tangled limbs and all. It was as natural as breathing to seek the other out and before Joe knew it, he was hit with the realization that he was head-over-heels in love with his best friend.

The popping of yet another champagne bottle drags Joe from his mulling and takes in the sight around him with a smile. They are in the Eagles Nest, the war in Europe is over and everyone is finally able to relax and celebrate. He's sitting by Webster and Perco, watching the other's talk and laugh, already more than a little drunk. His smile widens when he catches her eye, sitting next to Malarkey and they salute each other from across the room.

"You ever gonna make a move, Lieb?" Perco's question lands like a bomb right in his stomach.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He looks at the man next to him like he's crazy, but inside he's frantic. Is it that obvious?

"Oh come on, Liebgott. The two of you have been attached at the hip the whole war, even back at training. We've all noticed the stolen looks between you. The wars over, just go for it." Webster gives him a shove, pointedly ignoring the glare Joe shoots at him.

"I gotta take a leak." Joe abruptly stands and leaves before either of them can continue their pestering. They're right, he knows they're right. Since accepting his feelings, the only thing that's been holding him back has been the on-going war. Sure there's still Japan to figure out but right now, their immediate part is over and he doesn't have to worry about dying and leaving her or worse losing her any second to a bullet or bomb.

Not actually needing the bathroom, he finds himself wondering the halls of the Eagles Nest and randomly picking a room to go into. It's spacious with a sitting area, a large comfortable bed sitting against the back wall, a door leading to an adjoining bathroom next to it and doors to the right leading to a balcony. He heads to the balcony, throwing the doors open and leans against the railing taking in the mountains and open valley. It's so quiet and peaceful, he doesn't know how to reconcile it with the horrors the owner and occupants have done to the people of this land.

"Why am I always having to search for you?" A soft, happy voice speaks behind him. Joe turns around and feels his breathe catch in his throat at how beautiful and easy going she looks, leaning around the doorframe to the balcony. When he didn't respond, she stands up a little straighter. "What? Is there something on my face?"

Joe shakes his head and moves to stand in-front of her, raising his hand to trail a finger down her cheek. "You're beautiful."

"How drunk are you?" Her voice is playful, but Joe knew his words were having an effect on her based on the blush she now had.

"Not even tipsy. But drunk or sober, you're still beautiful." His hand cups her cheek, tilts her head up a little to fully meet his eyes and he decides to cross that final line. "I love you. I love you fully and completely; body, mind, and soul. I need you, more than I need to breathe. If you don't feel the same, that's fine. I will lock my heart away to keep you in my life however you wish to be. But the war here is done and I'm out of reasons to not tell you how I feel. Tell me you don't feel the same and I'll respect that, but if you feel even close to what I feel please let me know."

Joe see's tears form in her eyes and for a heartbreaking second he's sure she's going to tell him 'no' and walk away. Then he feels her hands on his face and holds his breathe as she rises on her toes, stopping when her lips are barely brushing his.

"I love you, Joe. I'm yours; body, mind and soul." And then her lips are pressing against his and Joe thinks he's died and gone to heaven.

Their kiss is passionate and slow, taking full advantage that they don't have to rush and can take their time exploring. Joe starts nudging her backwards, back into the main room and towards the bed. A line of clothes marks their path as they help each other be rid of them, kissing freshly exposed shoulders and necks as they go. Soon enough they've managed to be rid of everything and tumble onto the bed in a heap.

Joe leans back just enough to take in the site of her underneath him. Face flushed, lips swollen and glossy from kissing, hair spread out like a halo, chest rising and falling hard as she tries to catch her breathe. He leans his head down pressing kisses to her neck, trailing down her collarbone, around the swell of her breast and ending at her nipple. He takes his time delivering languid licks and sucks, making her skin pucker and rise. Not wanting to leave the other one out of the fun, his hand cups, massages and pinches a little on the flesh there, his other hand hasn't stopped caressing any part of her skin he can reach.

If he has any doubts of how he's making her feel, the gasps and moans falling from her lips dispel them quickly. Soon enough her hands are in his hair and scratching down his back as she wraps her legs around his waist pulling him closer. Joe stops his minstrations on her breast with a groan when his erection is pressed right against her wet core and he can't help but roll his hips into her again. This time they both moan.

"Joe, please. I need you." Her voice is ragged and the lustful look in her eyes almost has him finishing right then. He shifts to the side a little, giving him room to run his hand down her side and cup her core. She's soaking and his brain short circuits a little.

His fingers make quick work of making sure she is coated properly, detouring to her clit to rub until she starts to whimper and pull at him. As he meets her eyes, he raises his fingers to his lips and sucks her taste off of them.

"Goddamn, baby. Next time I'm spending hours down there." He rushes out as he positions himself at her entrance. "But if I don't have you soon, I might die." He looks at her for confirmation that she's ready and when she nods, he starts pushing in slowly.

They groan together at the feel of him sliding into place like a puzzle piece coming home. Once he's bottomed out, he drops down to his elbows, putting more of himself on top of her and rests his forehead against hers. Her thighs tighten around him as she turns her head to kiss him.

"Move. Please." She bites his bottom lip at the same time she scratches his back again.

"Yes ma'am." He presses his lips firmly to her, swallowing the moan she lets out as he pulls out and quickly snaps back in. He finds a steady rhythm, angling his hips just right so he's brushing that sweet spot within her. Her back bows, pressing her chest further into his and exposes her neck to his lips. He doesn't waste any time placing a hard bite where it'll be hard to hide the mark already forming. This spurs something in her and soon her hands are in his hair, tugging his head to the side as she returns the favor.

Joe can tell she starts to get close to her release, as her walls start fluttering around him and her moans start becoming more frequent. He raises himself up, gripping the headboard with one hand and dropping his other hand down to rub her clit.

"I know you're close baby. Look at me as you let go." His voice is deep and commanding. Her eyes immediately lock onto his and his movements pick up speed. A few more hard thrusts and a pinch on her clit and she's moaning his name and clamping down around him. The feeling of her combined with his name falling from her lips like a prayer has him falling right behind her.

As they come down from their highs, they exchange slow kisses and 'I love you's'.

Bonus scene:

Not wanting to waste a beautiful day, the guys had decided to have an impromptu baseball game. Joe stood in his spot, waiting to bat next, sending a smile and wave to the stands where his girl was watching and cheering. They were getting ready for the next play when Winters came strolling across the field. They all crowded around him, fully expecting to hear their deployment orders for fighting Japan. Instead he was giving them the best news they'd heard since VE day. Japan had surrendered. The war, all of it, was finally over.

All the guys started cheering, exchanging hugs and pats on the backs. Joe see's her coming towards them at an easy jog, a curious look on her face. He gives her the biggest smile and runs right up to her, lifting her in his arms and spins her around.

"Japan surrendered. It's over. We're going home." Her smile matches his as she fully takes in his words and hugs him back. Just as quick as it started, Joe stops spinning her and sets her down on her feet, then he's down on one knee, holding her hands.

"Marry me. Come back home with me. Or wherever you wanna live. I don't care. Just marry me, please." Everything dulls around the edges as he holds his breathe, waiting for her response.

"Yes, Joe!" She smiles bright enough to blind the sun and then starts laughing when he jumps back up and starts spinning her around again. The only sound is the cheering of their friends and their hearts beating in sync.

#joe liebgott #joe liebgott x reader #band of brothers #band of brothers fanfic #band of brothers x reader #hbo war #hbo band of brothers

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holocene-sims · 2 months

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next // previous

august 26, 2021 4:00 a.m. a balcony, somewhere

time somehow seems to simultaneously slow to a crawl and race beyond the speed of light. grant doesn’t remember when they’d ended up perched like lovebirds at the pinnacle of a staircase, peering out over the night-drenched landscape, but it must have been a while ago. customers have long since stopped streaming in and out of the restaurant on the street below.

he remembers in better detail the stream of their conversation–they’d shifted from food and a strangely peaceful, humorous discussion of kicking the bucket to movies, and at some point, paranormal stories came up along the way.

it’d be hard to forget talking to yunha.

there’s something curiously enrapturing about her, something that had drawn him to her when he first made eye-contact with her.

the look in her eyes, maybe. it’s piercing, like she’s baring right through your skin and into your soul, but not malicious or judgmental. it’s friendly, it’s curious, it’s playful.

the way she speaks, maybe. she’s the most engaged conversationalist he’s ever encountered. everything you say, whether she agrees or disagrees, is met with affirmations and a lot of nodding. yes, yes, of course. i see, i see. i understand. ohhh, wow! really?

she’s unraveling every shard of the puzzle that is his personality and piecing it back together in one whole picture, analyzing it. figuring it out. appreciating it.

or maybe it’s the sweetness that radiates off her. she appears unafraid to smile, instead all too happy to flash those pretty, crooked bunny teeth for the world to see.

“so, i'm going to guess you’re not accidentally good at singing.”

she seems not to mind revealing her own puzzle pieces either, and the more she says about herself, the more fascinated he is with her. with who she is. with what makes her tick.

“i hope it’s not an accident,” yunha replies, laughing, “because shit, then years worth of practice was a waste.”

“time enjoyed is never time wasted.”

the unabashed cringe of the line garners an immediate eye roll, but she still seems to find it funny.

they’ve definitely been sitting here a while. grant straightens his back, fixing his gradually slouching posture, and is is met with an immediate flash of pain, distinct from the chronic dull ache underlying every day of his life, that radiates down every vertebra.

“what got you into music, though?”

yunha’s rosy pink lips purse in thought as she dwells on the question.

“a lot of things. my parents like music. i listened to a lot of different kinds of songs my whole life, first with them, and then later with my friends. i had some time between classes and studying to spend having fun, but i couldn't spend any money, so my friends and i would go to this music store. we walked around and picked random albums to listen to on the headphones. we never bought anything.”

grant nods supportively. “what’s, like, the first album you remember really liking? or albums. you don’t have to pick one.”

“ah! i treasure so many albums. seo taiji and boys IV. i think that’s still my favorite nostalgic album ever. i also remember fondly, um, this girl’s in love with you by aretha franklin. i heard that at the music store, and i was so impressed by her talent. i still am.”

“i'm not a music expert. surprise! i know, i know, i'm sorry to tell you, i did not practice for centuries for that wonderful spice girls performance earlier. no, but seriously, i most often just listen to the same old emo stuff i liked when i was 13. so, unfortunately i don’t know the first album at all, at least not yet, but i do know the second one. you have fantastic taste, that’s a classic.”

despite his ignorance, yunha still smiles from ear to ear. “you should look up the first one! look up, like, seo taiji ‘come back home.’ that’s the most popular song on the album. i don’t wanna bias you, so listen on your own and make your own opinions.”

“wilco. and if you don’t mind me asking, how’d you turn the interest in music into a skill? you are talented, but i know it's very much a skill. it does take a lot of practice to become tangibly good at music.”

“to express myself,” yunha says plainly, “it’s easier to tell your story in art than talking about it, and singing is free. you don’t need supplies to learn it. but yes, i needed that kind of outlet, you know? i always liked singing, always did it, but i needed more than only entertainment from it over time.”

“oh yeah, art is helpful. i really should have gotten on that train earlier. i got on board about a year ago. it's much better for you than intellectualizing everything. or at least that's what i tend to do. do you perform, by the way? outside of karaoke, that is."

"sometimes. but also, not in a long time."

there falls a brief, but peaceful lull in the conversation. grant’s eyes draw to black night sky as he recalls the last haphazard art he’d created–the mushy-gushy attempt at processing the universe. seeing it hanging above him now, his thoughts are no less conflicting. light pollution washes out the shining sea of stars, but the sky still retains its beauty, its bewilderment. visible or not, an infinite chain of dimensions and celestial bodies exist in the vacuum of space, orbiting independent of him, yet factoring in the tiny fraction of his mass on the mass of the earth in their delicate ballerina dance across the fabric of spacetime.

the universe must have created me for some reason, for something other than anguish.

his own words. again. ever-present.

“i miss seeing the stars.” yunha’s buttery soft voice breaks his concentration. “you can’t see anything here.”

“polaris.” grant raises his left arm and draws his index finger across the sky until it hovers above the only star he’s seen thus far. “technically, that means we should be able to see sirius, too, but we don’t need to get all science-y and talk about magnitude and that polaris isn’t–”

“i would like it if you did.”

she was thinking of the stars, too.

synchronicity.

“aw shucks! well. i’ll say this, polaris isn’t the brightest star. we just talk about it way more frequently because it has the most cultural significance in the northern hemisphere for, you know, navigation reasons. but hey, give it about 12,000 more years, and it even won’t be the north star anymore. thank you, wobbly earth axis. but also boo, woobly earth axis, because it's a little sad to think about.”

yunha’s eyes glitter with fascination. “it’ll be something else?”

“yep! the next north star will be vega,” he explains, “come on down, you’re the next contestant!”

“maybe we’ll see it happen.”

“if my consciousness is still floating around as little dust particles, that’d be pretty sick. you know? forget fly me to the moon, fly me to vega. why not?”

“i don’t think i'll be dust,” yunha says, not missing a beat at all, even as her focus remains fixed on the faintest twinkle emanating from polaris, “it’s kind of troubling. you don’t want to be, like, stuck in the whole cycle of the universe, but if you’re still here, you can see some really beautiful things.”

“ah. reincarnation?”

“if you’re asking me, you’re not going to be dust. either you escape the suffering or you come back in some kind of physical form, human or not, and you try again.”

grant thinks about it for a moment. and then the feelings, like usual, spill out at once.

“i'm not going to lie, that idea has always given me the heebie-jeebies. i think it’s very cool as a concept, but i'm, like, man, i don’t want to do this shit again. also, look, we're doing the thing again. oh, and shit, that sounded judgmental. i just run my mouth too much."

"most people don't know they lived before. you can't really remember your other lives without a lot of study," she answers, "and no, you don't. i prefer to hear your real opinion. it's actually stupid when people tell you what they think you want to hear."

"do you ever wonder what you were up to last go-around?"

"not too much, but i always heard strange birthmarks and scars are signs from your last death. fears, too. things you avoid. so, i guess, like, a clown stabbed me in the neck with needles."

"are you afraid of storm drains, by any chance? if so, i think pennywise had it out for you."

"hahaha." yunha shakes her head. "wait, i have to ask. is it not worse thinking you can only live once? that's not uncomfortable? feeling like you have to make everything perfect in your one lifetime?"

"oh no, it's terrifying. dying and just being done with everything is eerie, too, because there are nice things to do and see here in the real world. you’re right about that. and yeah, there is a lot of pressure to get it all right. also, that's not even mentioning that there are people i love that i don’t want to be gone forever. i'd like to think they remain somehow. conscious or not. i kind of think they do, but i don’t know. am i contradicting myself? capital-P probably."

“you don’t know what to think.”

grant immediately bursts out laughing. “yeah, no, absolutely not. i do not know. i just kinda waffle around and hope some scientist throws out some numbers and whatnot that proves some explanation of everything correct. but that’s impossible. it’s literally impossible. we can’t even simulate or predict the wacky physics that were going on at the exact moment the big bang happened.”

“not to be, like, all quirky, but...” yunha reaches over, patting him on the shoulder. “maybe don’t think about it? you’re gonna go crazy. you can just not know? and it's fine. this doesn’t mean anything anyway. the answer to anything is already in you, it’s not out there.”

and then she, too, starts giggling all over again and her cheeks blush deep red from sheepish cringe.

another stereotypical line, but he doesn't mind. they sound better coming from her than him anyhow.

a second later and she checks the time on her phone. her cheesy smile erodes into a slight frown.

“ahh, i really need to leave soon. i have a schedule in the morning.”

grant checks the time as well, drawing the sleeve of his hoodie up just enough to read the minuscule roman numerals on his watch.

on the watch an ex-girlfriend gifted him. not päivi, but...

4:00 a.m.

fuck.

right.

you’re leaving the country in two hours.

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #sims 4 storytelling #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS #*screams into the void*#i have too many thoughts and i need to WATCH IT in my tags gushing because i will reveal too much either way #all i'm gonna say for now is ermmmmm i've been thinking about these scenes for literal years and i am pretty happy with how they came out #also i needed to advance the plot a bit for [REDACTED] story elements hence the unusual conversations #but nonetheless i love people getting to be a little funky and weird with each other and idk i've had similar encounters with random people #classmates and whatnot and you just find yourself talking about topics that are hard to get into but somehow you did #holocene.docx #holocene.png #hlcn: grant #hlcn: yunha

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fromthepinnacle2thepit · 7 months

Text

𝒩𝑜𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒲𝓇𝑜𝓃𝑔 𝒲𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓉 Papa Emeritus IV x reader

so i’ve had this idea for a while and finally was able to put it into words!

summary: our beloved papa has had a crush on his assistant for quite some time, except there was one issue, he didn’t know it yet. one day, you decide to go to one of his concerts with him. as he’s performing Mary On A Cross, he realizes he’d rather sing this song only to you. that he loves you.

enjoy!

⊱ ────── {⋅.𖤐 𐕣♱ ✯ ♱𐕣 𖤐.⋅} ────── ⊰

“No no, please, cara. You don’t need to do that.” he said, nervously brushing off what you’d just said.

“Papa- Copia, I insist. I’ve already bought the ticket, please, let me come support you. I want to see you, you’ll be amazing, pleasee?” you asked him, looking up at him with hopeful eyes as he turned to face you. In his eyes was a very different look. One of determination but also worry, hesitance.

The tour began today. It was starting that very evening. Copia had been very nervous. He wasn’t always this particularly nervous about performing but for some reason, this time was getting to him. You had racked your brain trying to think of reasons why it could be, but to your utter confusion, you could find no reason whatsoever. Maybe someone had made a rude comment and it got to his head? Maybe he was trying something new? Maybe he had bad memories from the venue? You didn’t know. You may not have understood the reason for his anxiety, but you wanted to support him. You cared for him- deeper than you should, you thought. And you wanted to be there for him. Luckily, this first night of the tour was close to the ministry. By working hard, (and a lot of convincing Sister Imperator), you were able to go! You had been able to scrounge up the money for tickets in the pit, right in front of the stage, where you could see Copia perfectly. You mentally sighed happily at the thought of getting to see him, up close, doing his thing, performing for all the people, being amazing. Though you were snapped out of your happy daydreams by Copia apparently repeating your name.

“Y/n?” he asked, waiting for a response.

“Yes sorry what did you say, Papa?” you asked him, embarrassed he had caught you in your daydream, and that he was needing to repeat himself.

“Please y/n, it’s Copia, I’ve known you far too long and know you far too closely to continue with such formalities.” he said with a smile muttering “Papa..” to himself, as if in disbelief you would be so formal.

“Then, Copia, what did you say?” you said, emphasizing the Copia. You gave him a playful smile as you waited momentarily for his response.

“I asked why you bought the ticket, mio caro.” He said, turning to scan over papers that would he waiting for him when he got back from the tour. And telling by the look in his eyes, he wasn’t exactly bursting with excitement. Since his eyes were busy running over the pages, they were too busy to notice the smile that had come onto your face from the name he called you.

You might as well come right out and say it, you were in love with Copia. Ever since his first days as Cardinal, you had loved him. It had only grown with time. Passing comments between you two had grown into long evenings discussing life, the beliefs of the church and Lucifer, and soon, his role as Papa. On occasion, Copia would invite you to his room and you two would play video games together. Other nights, you’d help him write his next sermon. You both learned so much from each other. You would trade books, discuss rituals. To anyone’s eyes, you two were a match made in heaven- wait no- would it be hell? A match made in hell? Oh well. One thing was for sure, to anyone who had eyes it was clear, you loved him deeply. And he loved you. (Even if he doesn’t know that yet-)

“There’s a million reasons. I want to support you, see you doing your thing, all of those kinds of things. I thought it was a wonderful idea.” you said, looking mildly sad. Did he not want you to go? Was he annoyed?

“Oh y/n, you know I’d love for you to be there.” Copia replied, sympathetically resting a hand on your arm. With his words and the feeling of his leather gloves on your skin, all your worried were relieved from your mind. You felt yourself warm up from his touch. He had always had this effect on you. Some days you wondered if it was really Lucifer you were worshipping or just him. You would’ve been happy either way.

“You would?” you asked, not wanting the happy moment to end. Mismatched eyes met yours, a content air falling around you two in the comfort of his office. It was moments like these when you hoped. You hoped that maybe someday, it would be more than light touches on the arm, more than the longing smiles you gave him, more than the desperate longing to be something more.

“Yes, yes, of course! Come now, do you really think I’d reject your presence carissima?” he responded. You suddenly became very aware of his hand still on your arm, even more aware of the small circles he was tracing into your skin with his thumb. Damn it. Why did he have to look at you like that? His smile was causing yours to grow. Like the sun to a budding plant, he lit you up. You had never been looked at like that. It was a smile of utter comfort and interest. Like he would hang on to your every word, like he was ready to give you every ounce of reassurance in the world.

He didn’t know why, but moments like these- moments with you, warmed his heart in a certain way. One he couldn’t put into words. What was this feeling for you? He wanted things to stay like this, for a long long time. He wanted his hand to stay there. What if he hugged you? No- he couldn’t- not now. You would think him weird.

“Well, it’s certainly nice to be appreciated.” you said softly, not able to look away. Ever drawn in by the mismatched eyes, you loved them. You loved him. In times like this, it felt like the entire world was left behind, it was all so far away. You didn’t care about your anxieties about tonight, you didn’t care about tomorrow’s work, or the day after that’s, or absolutely anything else, until the end of time. You were so entirely wrapped up in who he was, it was hard to see the rest of the world for all the pieces of him were everywhere you looked. He was there in the dark of night, a flickering candle, he was there when you would take your walks at night throughout the ministry. He was always there- in your mind, and your heart. Surely, you thought, this can’t just be only my feeling. He has to feel something, or know I feel something. It was ironic to you, sometimes. To the rest of the world, the person you held dearest would be considered entirely blasphemous, terrifying, doomed to spend a eternity in hell. To you, he was your greatest joy, your safe place, the person whom you loved with your entire mind, soul, body, and heart. You adored him with every ounce of life you had in you. You loved him with every ounce of life you had in you. And if the day came where that life was taken from you both, you would even follow him to hell. To you, true hell was an eternity without him. Not whatever is in the bible, or other ancient scriptures.

“You,” he paused, turning his head to look at his desk, but this time his eyes weren’t scanning over documents or papers or work of any kind. They looked like they were thinking of all the words in existence, trying only to find the right ones for this moment. “You are more than appreciated.”

What did that mean?

He was desperately searching his head for any explanation as to how he felt, what was this burning in his chest, this eternal longing?

Going ahead and speaking your thoughts you shot a question at him. “What do you mean?”

He only looked at you. The room was horribly silent, if only his voice would fill it with noise.

All at once, the door burst open and Sister Imperator practically flew in. Copia removed his hand quickly from your arm, and you two stepped apart as she scanned the room fiercely.

“Ah, there you two are! Wonderful, how do you both feel?” she asked, obviously nervously anticipating your responses.

“Good!” you said, a little anxious under her seemingly ever-watchful gaze.

“Oh, yes, yes good. We are good. Thank you, Sister. Uh, how are- how are you?” he asked, his awkward demeanor emerging dramatically. You couldn’t help but smile internally at this, you thought it was so cute. You also noticed he was much more calm when it was only you two. Did he really trust you that much?

“Perfect, well you both are to leave in an hour. And y/n, I expect you can get ready in that time?” she asked you.

You were surprised at the lack of warning before hand but since she was messing with her hands nervously, you suspected she had her own worries about tonight and decided it best not to argue. “Yes, Sister, sounds good.” you said in reply.

“Terrific, thank you child. Now, uh,” she stepped towards him, as if wanting to say something, possibly give him a hug? You didn’t know. But she stepped away before anything could happen. “Do well.” she said before hurrying out the door, muttering to herself about other duties and jobs she had to attend to, all while being wrapped up in this evening.

You turned back to your dear Papa, “So, we have an hour!”

“That we do.” he nodded, seemingly in thought.

“I’d better go get ready then! I’ll see you soon Pa- sorry, Copia.” you excitedly said with a smile, you turned quickly and left the room, just in time to hear a goodbye from Copia.

He watched as you left, and he was excited too! He wondered what you would wear, how you would look, what you would think. What song would be your favorite? Would it be appropriate to Cirice you? Just like you, many questions ran through his mind. Dancing around like falling leaves, swirling and mixing in a beautiful array of wonder.

You hurried through the halls, excitement burning deep within you along with the need for more air. Damn- habits can be hard to run in. You passed other hallways, leading further and further into the ministry. You passed elaborate paintings depicting Lucifer, worship of Him, Eve, Lilith, and more. Statues of these figures laid about the halls as well. With the ceilings high above you, rushed past many Siblings of Sin. Until finally, you reached your room. Practically throwing the door open, you stepped in. The outfit you had picked out for this evening lay all ready on your bed. You tossed off your habit, tearing off every garment of clothing you wore over your undergarments. Soon, your carefully planned outfit was no longer laying on the bed, but now your body. And you looked…good.

It fit your body just how you had wanted it to, it accentuated every little bit of your beauty. You were certainly not disappointed.

You only wondered what your beloved Copia would think..?

You hoped he would like it.

You were bursting in excitement as you finished with all the little details of your current look. Any makeup or accessories that had needed to have been added were added and you felt you were ready. You only worried lightly about tonight. You were worried about how your love for Copia would grow. There was no way you’d be able to see him up there, with those beautiful outfits adding to his powerful look, singing so wonderfully, without falling even more in love with him. Unholy fuck, you could practically picture it already. And your stomach was filled with a nervous excitement. Or very very aggressive butterflies. Rabid birds maybe. You didn’t know. You only knew you couldn’t wait. And that you hoped that maybe, just maybe, Copia might appreciate your outfit too.

You grabbed what other things you may need from wherever they were, took one last glimpse at yourself in the mirror, and headed over to your door. Just as you were about to open it, you heart two short noises.

Knock, knock.

Who on earth would be at your door now? You desperately hoped that the universe wasn’t trying to keep you from going to this concert; cause by Satan, if you needed to go up against the universe to get to this concert, then the universe better be ready.

“Child? Sister Y/n, are you ready?” called a shrill voice.

Oh.

That’s who.

You opened the door to see an even more frazzled looking Sister Imperator. You silently thanked the universe for not getting in the way of your going to the concert.

“Ah, ok. Good. Now, follow me.” she said, nodding a few times before sharply turning on her heel and walking swiftly down the hallway.

You had no choice but to follow her.

You followed her through a couple hallways, expecting Copia to be joining you any moment. When he didn’t, you hurried and caught up to Sister Imperator.

“Sister? Where are we going?” you asked her.

“The car that will transport you to the venue of course, what else?” she asked you. She had stopped now and turned to look at you, a confused look on her face as if there was no other place in the world you could possibly be.

You took a second to process that. You thought you would’ve been meeting Copia.

“So, where is Papa?” you asked

Sister turned and continued walking, her sudden movement caused you to pause then hurry after her.

Damn this woman is fast.

As you followed her, her response rung out through the halls.

“He has already left for the venue. We decided to send him early. Sound checks and all, you must know.”

You couldn’t lie to yourself, you were a bit disappointed that you weren’t able to see him before he performed. But that was ok. There wasn’t anything you could really do about it now, was there?

Soon enough, you and Sister Imperator reached the entrance of the Church. You walked out the doors and into the bright air. It was not yet sunset, but it would be soon in a few hours. A black car awaited your exit out of the church. And in the drivers seat…was a Ghoul!

“Alright. Now then, you have everything?” asked Sister Imperator.

“Yes, thank you very much. I really appreciate this.” you smiled at her, thankful she had helped you achieve getting this opportunity.

“Of course. Well, you’d better be off now, shouldn’t you?” she nodded in return to your smile and you could’ve sworn you saw a small one playing at the edges of her mouth.

“Yes, I should. Have a good evening, Sister.” you replied and opened the door to the backseat of the car, where you assumed it was appropriate to sit since the Ghoul was driving, and it seemed more formal.

The car started and you watched it pull away from your dear Satanic Church. The dark walls which held secrets, had also come to hold your home, your heart. It had come to hold a place of love and beauty. You were allowed to be human there. Good, bad, and all.

You had also been allowed to love.

And oh, how that love burned in excitement as the church grew further and further away.

You swore you could still see Sister Imperator standing by the entrance.

You hummed quietly to the music playing over the radio as you watched the landscape pass by. You thought about the fact that Copia had seen this on his drive too. Oh how you loved him. You wondered what he had thought of the passing trees, the buildings, everything. You wondered if he thought about you. Of course, he had. But you had no way of knowing that yet. All you knew was that he made the world so much more beautiful. You had never understood how beautiful one person could make the world until you met him.

You couldn’t possibly know this, but at that moment, Copia was getting out of his car, thinking about you. Thinking about the fact you’d see all his singing and dancing and performing. It was one thing to come back from a tour and simply tell you about it, it was another to actually have you there. He couldn’t ignore the anticipation that rose in his stomach more and more.

After a few more passing minutes, you found yourself in a slowly stopping car.

You were here.

You could barely contain yourself.

You were surprised when the ghoul came around and opened your door for you. You stepped out, giving the ghoul a warm smile.

“Thank you very much,” you said to him. He nodded, in what seemed like a grateful way and held out his hand. You looked at it, for just a moment. You then put yours in the ghoul’s and the ghoul shook it. It was a small gesture, a polite one. But you felt it meant more than that.

You had always been kind to the ghouls, a sort of friendship had formed between you and them. You were always very polite and treated them as individual equals. Not simply the protectors of Papa or simply things that performed by his side, not as something below others in the ministry or the siblings, but as those who did very hard work, and deserved the right to be treated with compassion. Through your kindness, they had given you respect in return.

Once your hands were separated, and you had made your goodbyes, you walked towards the venue. Unsurprisingly, you were the first one there, other than the workers.

A few of them made small-talk with you, and for a bit you waited around doing typical waiting things. After a bit, other people started to show up. You admired all their outfits, the merch if they had any.

It was the best wait you had ever experienced. And you knew every second would be worth it.

All of this was wonderful and all, until an opening of a gate caught the attention of many. It was a ghoul and a worker of the venue. The ghoul stayed behind the gate as not to get trampled, though getting flooded audibly by the cheers of the thrilled fans. But the worker stepped out through the gates, and headed towards you.

“Are you y/n?” he asked you, seemingly in a rush.

“Yes. Why?” you replied, very confused as to what was going on.

“Alright, please come with me. You’re needed backstage.” he said, and turned. But not before motioning for you to follow him.

You showed the other workers your ticket as you entered, they looked confused too, but they let you pass.

Once you were through the gates, you were led into a building. As you walked through it you saw many other workers, along with a ghoul here and there.

“Where are we going?” you asked the worker who was leading you.

“A dressing room, you will see. He told me you were needed, insisted, actually.” the worker replied to you, not slowing their pace at all.

After a minute, you got to a long row of doors, the ghoul that had accompanied you waved to you, opened one of the doors, then disappeared inside. Eventually you came to a door near the end of the hallway.

“Right in there! Thank you for coming, I’m sure this all seems very strange.” the worker said.

“It’s ok, thank you for coming to get me and bringing me here.” you replied.

The worker gave you a smile and a nod, then turned and walked down the hallway, off to throw themself into some other pre-show chaos.

After watching him leave, you turned back to the door. You took a breath in, and opened it.

Inside were multiple mirrors, a couch, mini fridge, and very, very, bright lights. In the center of it all, was Copia. Beloved, amazing, Copia. You quickly stepped inside and shut the door behind you, that seemed to startle the man out of his thoughts and turn back towards you. You watched as his gaze fixed on you. You couldn’t miss how his eyes widened. Was it wonder, amazement? Unbeknownst to you, yes. Yes it was. It was pure wonder and amazement. And later as Copia would find out, love.

“Ah, cara mia. There you are.” his tone was calm, but his eyes were still wide, he moved towards you, quite quickly.

“Is everything ok?” you asked. You couldn’t hide how your eyes had widened too, he looked incredible.

“Yes, yes, all very good. I was just eh, worrying, and uh, wanted to see how you were doing.” he said, looking at you with such happiness.

“I’m doing quite well, thank you! You look amazing, you’re going to be amazing.” he smiled as you said this

“I can already hear the cheering fans!” you joked and you both chuckled.

“Ah, well, thank you. I appreciate that.” he said. “I should uh,” he motioned to his makeup, which he was just finishing putting on.

“Oh! Mhm, do you need help?” you asked him.

“Sure, uh, ok, so..” As you both worked, his makeup was finished, leaving you two to laugh and talk, and have precious time together. Though, eventually, it was almost time where you would need to leave and take your place in the crowd.

“There was…another thing, I wanted to uh, talk with you about. Before we you know, go on.” he said

“Hm? What is it?” you asked

“Just, nerves, you know?” He asked. And yes, you did know.

“Hey, you’ll be amazing. You always are. There’s not a day that passes where I don’t think that. You’ve done this many times, and everyone always loves it. You’ve got this! You’re gonna take their breath away, Copia.”

And you were right. He would take their breath away. Sadly after you said that, a worker notified you that they would start letting people in the gates in about five minutes. And you had to take your leave.

Within minutes you were in your place in the pit. Right in front of the stage, in the center, right up front.

Soon, everyone else were in their places too.

Next, the opening band started.

After that, the opening band finished.

And then, it was time.

You swear, when you first saw him come out on stage, time was frozen. He looked more amazing than you’d ever seen him. He radiated confidence. Cheers roared louder than you’d ever heard. He was a fire, he was the sun. He was illuminating everything, it felt like.

And of course, he saw you.

Many times, he looked your way, danced and sang in front of you. You loved all of his costumes, his jokes, all of it.

Then the time came for Cirice to play.

Wanna guess what he did?

Ciriced you.

The night went on in a beautiful blur of love and ritual.

Soon, Mary On A Cross began to play.

By the time the first chorus came, you felt you could melt. He was looking at you. He was smiling at you.

In his mind, he was thinking about you. He thought how you’d spent the night dancing and singing, he thought about the way you two were together, how you were to him. And eventually, came in to that burning happiness in his chest.

Soon, the slower part of the song came.

“You go down just like Holy Mary, Mary on a, Mary on a Cross, not just another bloody Mary, Mary on a, Mary on a..”

And with the next few lines, he would realize that maybe it wasn’t only Lucifer he worshipped, but you as well. He loved you. He loved you. Satan in hell, he loved you. He was in love.

You were what had been keeping him going, you were so so beautiful in every way. You brought him to life, you were what he sang every song to. You were his muse.

“You’re beauty never ever scared me,”

With that, he made eye contact with you. There were so many people around the two of you but for those moments, it felt like only the two of you. You two were meant to be. He was yours, you were his.

Your beauty had never scared him.

It had been you, all along.

He loved you.

He loved you, he worshipped you, you were the flame burning deep within him.

As the song came to an end, he kneeled down at the edge of the stage, right before you. Your hand joined his, as he held his out to you. He kneeled down close, close enough so only you could hear.

“I love you,” he whispered to you.

⊱ ────── {⋅.𖤐 𐕣♱ ✯ ♱𐕣 𖤐.⋅} ────── ⊰

a/n : i hope you all like this! i might do a different ending to this. but anyways, i hope you like this. remember to take care of yourselves!!

#copia #papa emeritus x reader #cardinal copia x reader #copia x reader #re imperatour #ghost x reader #ghost band #ghost fanfic #ghost bc #papa emeritus iv x reader #papa emeritus the fourth #papa emeritus iv #papa copia #papa x reader #papa emeritus 4

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gabessquishytum · 7 months

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Heyo, it's water spirit dream anon again. I feel like I should grab an emoji but tbh Im not sure what all's taken.

Speaking of I was very taken with the Hot mess Hob and Horny neighbor Dream au a while back, yknow the one where there's a fire alarm and Hob ends up outside in a towel? Good stuff. Well Ive just had my own very specific Yes And to add.

Hob and Dream have apparetments right next door to eachother, and thus have pretty close balconies. Well on day, Dream's pet (cat or raven as you prefer) hops onto Hob's balconey from Dream's, and no amount of coaxing will get them to jump back. Dream is very flustered thinking about Asking Hot Hob nextdoor to let him in so he can retrieve his Stupid Son, but he takes a deep breath and knocks on his door.

Hob answers in the smallest shorts he's ever seen and an apron, clearly embarrassed, and it's only getting worse when he realizes it's Dream of all people. He's been doing like 10 different chores, including laundry, and dream has caught him doing dishes. After some stammering, Dream asks Hob is he can get his pet off his balconey, and Hob rushes to go get the door bc Kitty!!! (Or birb?) And gives Dream a wonderful view of his mostly bare back and ass hanging out of his shorts.

If Raven, Hob opens the door and Matthew swoops in to land on Dream's shoulder, preening at his hair and shirt collar while Hob laighs in delight and calls him Beautiful. Matthew takes a cautious interest in Hob and Dream asks if he'd like to saw hello, and to hold out his arm, just don't pet him too much, it's bad for his feathers. He tentatively hops onto Hob's outstretched arm and says "Hello" in Dream's voice to him, being very friendly, before leaning in very close and making Hob nervous. Dream is very embarrassed to tell Hob that what Matthew wants is a kiss. Hob gives his head a little kiss and Matthew goes "Wow!" And swoops back to Dream. Look up Fable the raven on youtube, she's great!

If cat, Hob rushes to the balcony to make sure he hasn't jumped clean off the building and Dream rushes after to see Hob walk back in with a luxurious black cat draoed over his shoulders rubbing on him like no tomorrow. He's smilling and petting and kissing and Dream is Not jealous of his cat even if he would like to wrap around Hob's shoulders and be petted and kissed he's So not jealous. Hob walks them to the door, and when trying to get his cat back, the cat takes the tie of Hob's robe with him and leaves Hob basically naked in front of a Dream who's trying very hard to wrangle his cat and get him safely back to his apartment. It's so so tempting but Hob is Busy, and Dream needs to get his Son inside, and even though they'd both just love to jump into Hob's freshly made bed, they are alas victims of Bad Timing. Dream and Hob exchange an awkward goodbye in the hallway, and each go back to their days. Hob does he rest of his chores sinking furthur into the "God Shit it's Always a bad time when he's around! I'll never get to ask him out!" And Dream daydreams the rest of the day about Hob in a cute little apron, doing things around the house and doting on Dream with pets and kisses. ❤

And as a side note I am a firm Fucked Up Knee Hob Truther and with all that leggy on display, maybe Dream asks about it? Maybe offers to help Hob with stuff if he ever needs it, he's stronger than he looks, promise. And maybe Hob wants to rearrange his bedroom furniture? And ends up pinned to his askew bed by an indeed, stronger than he looks Dream.

Luv u mwuah

OOOO YES I always wanna talk about nearly naked, blushing and stammering Hob.

Hob kind of tends to lose track of his chores during the week, what with work and trying to have a social life. Laundry particularly tends to pile up, meaning that by Sunday he’s down to his very last items of clothing: tiny football shorts, SpongeBob socks… he does have a t-shirt but he was doing his meal prep and ended up spilling something all over himself (hence he is now shirtless. and wearing an apron, too little too late). The shorts are absolutely too small, he’s had them since he was 18 and still in his twink phase. So you better believe that Dream gets an EYEFUL when he comes to the door. Poor Hob is so embarrassed, particularly with his sore knee on display (he’s a lil bit insecure about it and he notices that Dream is staring, little does he know that it’s only made Dream fall for him even more).

The rescue of the birb/kitty cheers Hob right up though, and he forgets his almost nakedness. He peppers Dream’s runaway pet in kisses and cooes over them, gushing about how he really wants a pet but he works all day and it wouldn’t be fair to leave an animal alone, plus he’s often too sore to walk a dog or anything like that. Dream immediately offers Hob the opportunity for pet cuddles any time he wants (he’s almost like “you can cuddle me too” but he just stops himself at the last second). Pet cuddles are healing!!

They keep having awkward little meetings and then one evening Dream hears a knock on his door. Hob is there in baggy sweats and a hoodie, and he looks sad and tired. Dream invites him in straight away, and Hob explains that he’s in so much pain today and he really doesn’t want to be alone. Before he knows what’s happening he’s being ushered onto Dream’s sofa and he gets either a kitty on his lap or a Birb on his shoulder for comfort, and Dream immediately makes tea. Hob sheepishly explains that he tried to move furniture on his own and Dream gets this real mother hen expression. He promises to come over the next day and help out.

Next day happens to be chore day again and there’s Hob in his obscenely tiny shorts and a shirt with “my tits are up here” printed on the front. He’s also baked cookies (with frozen cookie dough, he admits, but Dream is no less charmed). They quickly get to work on the furniture and Dream takes great pleasure in demonstrating how strong he is!

Neither of them are quite sure how they end up sprawled together on the mattress. Dream is pretty sure that he just groped Hob’s chest as they both tumbled down. He is pretty sure that Hob was the first to lean in for a kiss, though.

It’s fair to say that the something does get rearranged, just not the furniture that Hob was expecting 😏 and Dream is very gentle with him… just not too gentle!

#water spirit anon #the sandman #dreamling #nsft

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ilynpilled · 9 months

Text

ive been thinking about this a bit and i feel like i have some very different feelings towards certain things and strongly disagree with the implications present in the ways i see them discussed. i do not like to simplify these themes to “vengeance/punishment bad wahh”, because it does not at all feel complete enough to convey my true feelings, or the themes of the text itself for that matter imo, but like… ofc i personally cant read things like cersei’s walk of shame, where she is punished, humiliated, and dehumanized through the one thing she was unfairly condemned for her entire life— jaime’s brutal maiming and torture where he is humiliated, fed things like horse piss which he forces down because he is so thirsty before vomiting it back up, gets repeatedly beaten unconscious, and is nearly driven to passive suicide— theon’s excessive physical and mental torment that would take too long to list that breaks him entirely— and even a man as deeply evil as vargo hoat (who is not at all three dimensional) having his hands and feet and arms and legs cut off, be cannibalized, and even be forced to eat parts of himself, causing the pov character that swore to enact brutal vengeance on him to feel ill and repulsed once he finds out— and experience much, if any, catharsis, personal feelings about these characters aside. asoiaf is a series where the author pretty often deliberately places us inside the heads of bad people that have done terrible things, who some readers may feel a certain hatred for, as they are put through torment. not to make the reader feel good and satisfied about it, but to present it as something that should not really be a thing that we revel in, and encourage us to be critical about what is even gained through what they are going through. even a morally dark antagonist without a pov like joffrey and his death was meant to have elements of tragedy. during, tyrion notes that he is a young boy with fear in his eyes that he had never seen in the eyes of his father. whether you feel a certain way about it (and i am not arguing that you are morally flawed for not sympathizing with a fictional character, this isn’t real life, i am just discussing themes that i am identifying), the goal was not really to provide us with a feel-good “justice at last!” emotion through the brutally violent death of a 13 year old boy. it makes me genuinely wonder how some ppl come away with the idea that this series is intended to be a celebration and glorification of punitive justice. i am not saying justice in general is not a huge theme, and some catharsis, especially for victims, over the death/defeat of their abusers & tormenters is present in the text as well, understandably so, because it can mean safety. take pia smiling through broken teeth when jaime has her rapist executed and presents his head to her while setting a precedent with gregor’s men. some people need to die, and deserve it, but what does that look like? who decides it? why? by contrast, the instance of jaime actually feeling good when he hangs a bunch of random outlaws reads as something more tied to his current relationship to the self and certain selfish desires at this point in his story than real justice, and it is further elaborated upon and taken apart in the book. anyway, all these questions are present and the answers are not near as simple as i often see them made out to be.

it doesn’t feel like to me that most things that can be interpreted as enactments of punitive justice or moments of karma are these epic events that should just make the reader blindly cheer and applaud, or even feel good about. there is a reason that some things go awry (like with oberyn), and it isn’t cynicism. there is nuance, and not in a way where victims are condemned for fighting back, or a pacifist ideology is idealized. there just really isn’t a glorification of brutal punishment, ‘eye for an eye’ vengeance, and the needless causing of suffering. same with a blind upholding of duty and law based around flawed feudalistic constructs. and all these things should not even be conflated. not to mention that punitive justice exists also in a way where it is connected to institutions. take the faith and organized religion for example. the whole process is interrogated: what is sin? what sins are being punished? how? why? and what are the actual effects? be it jaime’s and brienne’s conversations/interactions with a bunch of different tertiary characters in affc, or cersei’s punishment in adwd. at the end of the day, she is punished for her body, for being a woman. she does not suffer “consequences” for her actual wrongs and the suffering she causes. she doesn’t really learn anything, and it will all just make her spiral more. the whole concept of punitive justice gets focused on especially with theon’s entire identity being withered away through torture. he experiences so much torment that there comes a point where he is robbed of his mind and agency. what does the “criminal” learn? how can a person change in these circumstances? what is the point, and why should we feel good about this? he is not even really “punished” for his crimes, and certainly not by people with any moral high ground over him, he is just being brutalized. same is the case with jaime in asos: it is a bad person being brutalized by men even more vile than he is, and they are not doing it because they want to deliver any justice to his victims. also, though the maiming does kickstart crisis with him specifically, it is not the determining factor when it comes to his reformation. this story is not actually saying that people can be, and should be, tortured into becoming better people, and if they can’t the solution is to just axe them. there is nuance, sure, mercy is not something everyone is entitled to in all circumstances. sometimes “mercy” towards certain evil people will lead to the enablement of the suffering of others, even entire populations. there are certainly circumstances where compromise isn’t an option. but, again, i dont think george is ever holding back on actually interrogating the moral quandaries when it comes to identifying cycles and ending them, and he is for sure not treating every single aspect of these conflicts as black and white. even tyrion murdering his father, who purposefully does have a very ironic and humiliating death scene, which is important thematically, doesn’t end in easy and feel-good catharsis, especially for tyrion, which doesn’t equal “oh, tywin should be forgiven and spared”.

all of this is also why i do not really see how events like the fall of house lannister (first of all, we know it is gonna include the likely very brutal deaths of two innocent small children), red wedding 2.0, valonqar etc would be these grand and glorious moments of justice and pay-off, treated as just the good guys finally getting an epic W. they will very likely be filled with tragedy, so i am genuinely curious about where these expectations for this kind of catharsis come from

#long post #and by catharsis i mean reveling in their suffering and feeling like justice was served #valyrianscrolls

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onmyknees4loak · 14 days

Text

Teach me

Lo'ak x Reader

Warnings: (Lowkey stalker and sub lo'ak) Synopsis : (Lo'ak cant seem to take his eyes off of the girl who teaches his nephew.)

Playlist I listened to while making this

Reader's POV

"Good job muffin!!" Pxe'pe one of my youngest students finally gets her threading right. She runs off to show her mother.

I'm what Jake calls a babysitter but I like to think of myself as a teacher I mean that is what I do, people leave there kids with me while they attend to there duties and I teach them things like threading, scavenging, and even healing.

"miss miss miss" i hear a small voice from behind me and feel small hands on my leg, i turn around to be met with Kame'xar, one of my little ones.

"yes what do you need sweetie" i crouch down to be at his level

"i cut my finger" a little sob comes out as he holds his hand up, i see a small bright red cut nothing to serious but still it must hurt.

"oh no sweetie come on lets go fix that up for you" i extend my arms and pick him up, i start heading to the healing tent. i look down at his finger and as im looking away from in front of me i bump into a tall stiff figure. "Oh my eywa! I am so sorry" the figure turns around, i began to panic even more. The figure is Kame'xar's uncle.

"oh my goodness Lo'ak I apologize" i say hoping he wont notice the cut on his nephew's hand.

"oh no worries ...." he pauses trying to remember my name.

"y/n my name is y/n" i tell him.

"y/n... That's a beautiful name....Oh my god Kame'xar i didn't even notice you what's up bro, have you been crying what happened?"

He looks at me wondering what happened to his nephew,

"he cut his finger we were on the way to the healing tent to fix him up."

"oh well please let me walk you there its the least i can do" Lo'ak insists.

"I mean it is only right there but sure" we began walking to the tent which is already in sight.

Once we walk into the tent i set Kame'xar down on the floor and lower to my knees to grab the healing paste. I take his hand and gently rub the paste over his cut.

Kame'xar giggles "its c-cold!" he says in a fit of giggles.

"it is isn't it" i say laughing with him.

I can feel Lo'aks watching my every move. I stand up and turn around to Lo'ak.

"Well i should be getting Kame'xar back now." I feel Kame'xar put his now healed hand in mine and start pulling me to the opening of the tent.

"Thank you y/n, bye Kame'xar ill see you at dinner" lo'ak says waiting for us to leave.

"Bye" me and Kame'xar say at the same time.

As were walking I can't help but to keep thinking about Lo'ak everyone says he,s a bad influence and all he does is get in trouble but he seems so sweet and caring- ok y/n snap out of it he didn't even know your name and you got more important things to worry about.

Lo'ak's POV

'y/n.....y/n how have i never seen her around surly i would have noticed someone that beautiful. She's so different there's just something soothing and pleasant about her.

I walk out of the healing tent and start heading to our family tent,

Oh eywa i can't get that beautiful women out of my head. I need to see her again. I change my direction and start heading to where i know neteyam drops Kame'xar off every day. As i get closer i can hear the sound of children laughing getting louder, shes so good with kids. I hope to make her laugh like that one day.

I see my girl with kids running around her, there playing a game. I keep my distance and sit on a log where others are sitting and eating fruit.

I just sit there and watch her teach and play with the kids for hours. I turn away any time she looks in my direction hoping she doesn't realize that ive been sitting here for hours.

She would never want a guy like me an outcast.

Reader's POV

I finish putting up all the kids threading projects keeping them safe for tomorrow.

"Good Bye Vaylen! I'll see you tomorrow" now all the kids have gone home for the night, and i can start heading home. i turn around to start walking in the direction of my tent when i see Lo'ak sitting looking at me when he realizes I'm looking at him he turns his head the other way. Now that i think about it he has been sitting there since i got back from the healing tent.

'Should i go talk to him?' i ask myself 'I should.'

I start walking over to him with a smile on my face, he notices me coming over and i can see his body tense up.

"Hey Lo'ak what are you doing here?" i come to a stop in front of him.

"Oh i w-was ju-just uh chillin yk" he stutters over his words.

'my god, he's so cute, i want him stuttering over his words while i ride him' omg! what the fuck is wrong with me why would i think that.

I think he could tell i just got surprised with myself.

'y/n? Are you okay?" he asks as he stands up getting closer to me.

I can feel the tension in the air as his face is suddenly a few inches from mine.

"Yeah im good" i see his eyes move down to my lips as he licks his own.

He leans in intel our lips meet and he begins kissing me, i kiss back and start getting a little more aggressive i bring my hand to the back of his head and put my fingers through his hair lightly pulling.

"mMm" Lo'ak lets out a whimper/moan.

I pull away and bring my hand down " i cant do this Lo'ak im sorry" i look down to my feet.

"Why not baby?" he asks pushing hair behind my ear.

"What would people think if they found out, im not trying to be mean but your kinda know as a bad boy yk, and i dont want people to not trust me with there kids im sorry"

I turn around to leave and i feel him grab my hand and pull me back.

"Then Teach me, teach me how to be a good boy"

#Spotify #loak x reader #lo'ak avatar #lo'ak fluff #lo'ak smut #lo'ak te suli tsyeyk'itan #lo'ak sully #lo'ak x reader #lo'ak x tsireya #kiri #atwow #avatar the way of water #spider #fanart #x reader #sub lo'ak

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yaeran · 2 years

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OH MY OSRRY I DIDNT PUT CHARACTERS ON MY RQST😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 (a cute scenario where a fem drunk s/o compliments the character so so much and just realized how much their actions or even small tiny lil action they do,and their attractive appearance impacts their s/o) ft. kakucho, shinichiro, rindo, smileyy, and taiju♡ sorry againnn😭😭🙏🏼

from aya: this is probably my most unique request HAHHA. (I LOVE IT!!) tysm for requesting i hope this satisfies you!! (also i’m so sorry this took so long ive been going out and shit it wasn't very cool!!)

warnings: mildly suggestive.

smiley would take all the compliments he can but it hits different when it comes from you so when you start getting a bit tipsy, he wouldn’t admit it but it gets him a bit nervous.

“naho-chan is really the hottest person ever!” you aggressively wiped your saliva and spoke to whoever was next to you. the person next to you was smiley- ”is that so?” he asked while tilting his head.

“absolutely! he should ask me to marry him,” you started rubbing your face on his as a way of pouting and that’s when it hit him. you peeked up to see his face and it was painted red. your laughs only made him more bashful. you always wondered how he'd respond but before you could add on he held you from your neck as he made you drink cold water, "sure, one day but sober up first bride."

kakucho, especially past kakucho seems like someone who can’t handle compliments. he likes them but it also gets him extremely shy. however current him could def handle them. to an extent.

"i love youuu kakucho! like really," your arms flailed all over his body and he just sat there, still as stone. sure you were shit-faced but you were sober enough to comprehend his internal feelings. "ahh, have you gotten shy?" you teased as you ran your fingers along his chest.

he swiftly grabbed your hand and pulled you in for a hug, "don't play with me like that please."

you couldn't handle his cute/soft side, "at least tell me you love me back," you grabbed his face and kissed him. then proceeded to tease him for the rest of the night.

shinichiro loves your physical touch, it boosts his ego but the way you are when you’re tipsy is just not something he's programmed to handle.

shinichiro told you to drink as much as you like since he won't be drinking at all. mainly cause he has shit tolerance he probably can't even handle one shot. you took advantage of the fact that he'll be driving. but anyways now you're dancing on the dancefloor. you were still pretty sober but you were just letting loose. you took his hands and intertwined them with yours and for some reason, that's what got him. the simple handhold. it was as if you didn't make out a million times before. he covered his face while still holding your hand and gently placed a kiss on them.

you chuckled at his timid self and pulled him in for a kiss. that kiss topped it off, if he wasn't used to your little surprises he would've fainted. nevertheless, he still got shy and buried his face in the crook of your neck.

rindou def loves pretty girls. so this night where the two of you were just out of it he found so many new things he loves about you. from the way you were always checking on him even though you were drunk as well to the way he could just be himself and dance with you like no one was watching.

your arms were wrapped around his neck and you were just swaying slowly to a damn trap song. he had never stared at you for so long until today. your eyelashes added so much to your appearance, your smile was so addictive and he just sunk in. a kiss so tender and passionate, he was embarrassed, "sorry- that was out of nowhere," he his forehead on yours and laughed. you quickly went in for another kiss, " don't start getting nervous around me rinnie."

rindou felt his face getting warm and he was getting shaky, he had always been the so-called 'cool guy' until this point. you had him wrapped around your finger.

taiju loves it when you're talkative like that. that's all. however when you pulled out the physical touch, that was a different story.

the moment you start getting tipsy that's when the show starts for him. he's pretty much unphased by whatever you have to say but you seemed to be more touchy than usual.

the way you so casually sat on his lap, he liked the way you were but he was feeling quite tense. perhaps it's on the way you were drunken and your confidence level was at an all-time high but your actions were too much for him to comprehend. you noticed taiju getting quiet and it wasn't normal-- suddenly it hit you why he was acting like that. as a response you just exaggerated your moves even more with kisses and it was almost as if your hands have explored every part of his body. the way his face was getting visibly red was amusing to you to say the least. you accidentally let out a giggle and he tackled you down, "never tease me like that."

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thewrongmoon · 2 years

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El's Possible Queercoding

been meaning to actually documents my findings on this for awhile, so I'm gonna go over some reasons I think its possible that El is gay, specifically just how I think she may be attracted to girls, whether you think that means lesbian, bisexual, pan, etc etc.

El's interest in femininity:

I think to further understand why El has an interest in feminine things, we have to look at how she was raised:

The children in the lab were pretty much stripped of a gender identity entirely. They all had the same haircut and hospital gowns. They all played with the same toys, most of which were puzzle games which have no societally assigned gender. It's worth noting that these short haircuts do have a masculine association (at least in modern western culture) and the kids also pretty much solely interacted with men. Really the only indication of their gender was the pronouns that they used for them.

The concept of different genders acting differently was probably completely foreign to El when she had just escaped the lab. We can see that she tries to strip in front of Mike, Lucas and Dustin and is confused when they all react negatively.

Being surrounded by all this masculinity, seeing someone feminine like Nancy for the first time (or at least the first time in years) is magical to El.

El takes a very quick interest in feminine things. Long hair, pastel colors, dresses...

What sparks more of a queer connotation is her interest in the feminine form. We see her appreciate the ballerina in Nancy's music box, which would very well just be because she thinks the dress is pretty or something, but she also singles out the figure on Mike's trophy.

Obviously I don't mean anything explicit by pointing this out, but as a lesbian I remember having a similar reaction to things like mannequins of women at a young age.

There's definitely a duality of her longing for a childhood where she's able to express her femininity that I don't want to dismiss, though. There's a shot where she stares at Nancy's childhood photos, and it's pretty clear she's wondering what her life would be like if she were raised like a normal girl. That storyline is further explored when she visits the Ives in season 2.

El was also previously not interested in Mike's nerdier hobbies, but when Max shows her comics, specifically ones with female superheroes, El is intrigued. She assumed comics were just about boys at first. We all poke fun at Mike for having a crush on Superman, but maybe we should stop to question if El had a thing for Wonder Woman?

Fashion choices - Mirroring other girls:

A classic quandary for anyone with same-sex attraction. Do I want to be them, or do I want to be with them?

We talk a lot about how Mike tries to wear and do things Eddie does (this was confirmed by the costume department), and how that totally makes it look like he has kind of a crush on him. But what about El?

In season 1 we definitely assume El wants to be Nancy. Her attempts of mirroring her are clumsy and largely influenced by Mike, Dustin and Lucas. After the wig comes off she just gives up, surrendering to her fate of never being "pretty."

In season 2, she wears mostly boys clothes provided by Hopper. The main makeover of this season is done by Kali, who turns El into her mini-me. This time we see El refer to her new look as "bitchin'" rather than "pretty."

Her new look is very punk inspired. Punk subculture has close ties with the LGBT community. As the punk scene is all about questioning/rejecting societal norms, queer people flocked to it.

In season 3, her makeover revolves around Max. While Max tells El to pick something that she likes, El still kind of chooses to resemble Max. In the beginning of s3, her hair looks like this:

But after her trip to the mall with Max, she chooses to part her hair to the right like she does.

They later have both their hair tied up:

Middle parts for both of them:

This is all to say, she mirrors Max's looks, because she likes Max. Not necessarily romantically? And there's also no way to tell if she's doing this consciously. But I feel like there's something in El's brain that just goes "pretty girl = I have to steal her look"

Which brings us to season 4:

Now, there's no makeover scene for her in this one. Disappointing, I know. But she's had a considerable glow up since season 3.

Her hair is now down past her shoulders. Now you may be wondering who her style inspiration is. And the obvious answer is Joyce, because she looks just like her.

But I would actually like to propose an alternative to her hair style inspo:

We can see that Angela pulls up the sides of her hair but still has bangs framing her face, similarly to how El styles hers.

Angela is an awful human being who bullies her, but she's also everything El wants to be: pretty, well dressed, well-liked by the people at school. This is precisely why she chooses her to lie about being friends with. She thinks Angela is cool, so Mike will think El is cool if he sees she's friends with her.

Let's move on to her fashion.

El's style is dependent entirely on layering in this season. But she has one staple in her closet, which we also see in seasons 2 and 3-- flannel.

The wardrobe department head has stated that they specifically wanted it to seem like she was wearing clothes from Will's closet.

Will has always been associated with flannel, wearing it almost exclusively in every season besides season 3. This is interesting because flannel is generally seen as masculine, and gay men are usually stereotyped as more feminine. He does wear those short shorts in s3 though so I guess it balances out idk, this is besides the point, moving on:

Flannels when worn on women are associated closely with lesbians. There is some historical basis here; back when women were first being allowed to wear pants (1940s), lesbians were some of the first to jump on it. Jeans were seen as most normal for women to wear, and flannel was usually paired with it. Flannel was warm, durable and practical. A lot of women in the work force wore it because it held up well. Usually work boots (doc martens in particular) were worn as well, which is why they are also associated with the queer community today (though it was more of a practicality thing than a fashion thing back then.)

From my research, it seems like lesbians wearing flannel became a stereotype in more popular media sometime during the 90s. This doesn't necessarily mean it didn't exist during the 80s, I honestly wish I could find more info on when exactly it became a well-known signifier of lesbians, but alas, I cannot find any good sources. Doesn't change the fact that we as an audience know of it's existence, though.

Wearing flannel definitely makes El stick out from the crowd. It was probably considered really normal in Indiana, where the temperatures are cold, but in California you really have no use for flannel in your wardrobe. The late 80s was also known for it's focus on loud colors and bold prints, which isn't at all like the muted, practical nature of flannel. You would definitely see waaay more men than women wearing it.

So El being seen almost exclusively in more masculine fashions would have probably been one of the points of bullying for her. I think her neurodivergent coding was also a factor, but that's an analysis for another time.

El's bullying: possibly homophobically charged?

So this is the furthest stretch I'm gonna make in this post. But upon noticing how often she wears flannel, I jokingly said in my head, "I wonder if they just saw her constantly wearing flannel and assumed she was a lesbian and that's why they started bullying her." And then I was like oh wait but what if actually that's what it was.

I'm assuming she was probably labeled as a tomboy for just wearing her brother's clothes. But then I began to imagine her interactions with girls like Angela which would have caused their hatred for her.

El has a habit of calling other girls "pretty." One of the first thing she seems to notice about other girls, actually. So imagine that Angela sees this girl in men's clothing, and the first thing El probably does with her is call her pretty. Would it be a stretch to assume Angela may have thought El was hitting on her?

I don't think she was, I honestly don't know if El knows how to hit on someone at all. But the perception of Angela and the school at large could have just been... "Jane is a lesbian."

We see other girls avoiding her. This would be a good reason (not morally, but logically, especially considering the time period) for them to do so.

There's also this line from Angela: (0:09-0:14)

youtube

Now, I first noticed this when editing a completely different video. And I had to rewatch this clip like 50 times to see if I was crazy or not (I still might be, lol.) But, does it not sound like Angela is.. saying "boyfriend" in quotes?

So I went back to rewatch Angela entering the roller rink, and her and her friend group seem surprised that she has a boyfriend. Now this could be just because El is unpopular and has no friends (that they know if.) But just like Ted Wheeler saying "our son with a girl?" could just be a dig at Mike being a nerd, other context makes me wanna look closer into this line.

Did they maybe think El only got a boyfriend to mask her "real" sexuality? It's definitely possible.

Paralleling El to other characters who are queer or labeled as so

This is a point I'm going to need to further expand upon on a later date. But in watching movies off the s4 inspo board, I've found a couple where the characters are meant to parallel El:

Let The Right One In-

I have a whole post on this parallel, if you want to read it.

So basically, El is Oskar in this parallel. Oskar is a character who is bullied for 2 things: being fat (this is better shown in the book the movie is based upon) and being possibly gay (this is also shown better in the book.)

Oskar does end up having a romantic relationship with a character who is gender-nonconforming. Not gonna go into that particular character's exact gender bc it's kind of debatable and their backstory is sad, but the character, in their own words, is "not a girl." Oskar himself seems to be bisexual, again, you could maybe debate this, but he is non-straight at the very least.

The character he's in a relationship with, Eli, has also had their gender identity stripped away from them, which could make another interesting parallel to El, character wise.

Welcome To The Dollhouse-

So this parallel is a bit less concrete, but the only one I could draw from it is that, once again, the main character being bullied is referenced in El's own bullying.

The main character of this film, Dawn, is bullied for two things: being "ugly" and being a lesbian. She is not actually a lesbian, but the kids bully her for being one, and girls avoid her. One goes as far to claim she was "making a pass at her" when all Dawn did was have a conversation with her.

Being paralleled to two different characters who were bullied for being gay is definitely a weird coincidence.

El's relationship with Max:

El has pretty unarguably romantic themes with Max.

It could just be the Duffers trying to break free from a trope, but in S4 Max takes up a damsel in distress role while El takes on a hero role, for like, the 4th time, please give this girl a break omg.

We see both Mike and Lucas attempt to save El/Max, but at the end of the season Max and El save each other. You could say this was with the power of platonic love, but there are some lines that really make you question if it could be something more.

Conclusion:

I feel like El being gay is a theory that has some legs to stand on! You could definitely go even further and find a lot of rainbow imagery with her, maybe some other small details. This was just my own findings.

#el hopper #eleven hopper #jane hopper #byler #elmax #long post #analysis #stranger things #eleven

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