#but the only thing i genuinely play consistently on it is avatar's love for self soothing hah

[silasbug]

genuinely sad that i don’t practice on my ukulele more. it’s such a cute, sweet, innocent and simple instrument. i haven’t picked it up in months, yet was able to immediately pick up the chords for a song i’ve been wanting to play because. four strings?? so smoll.

#honestly?? same with the kalimba #i LOVE that thing #but the only thing i genuinely play consistently on it is avatar's love for self soothing hah #for the uke it's breezeblocks because it's the only song i sound genuinely good singing #it hits that sweet spot of range just *mwah* perfectly #(same with frisk's stronger than you version though) #i'm realizing that i am incredibly grateful to be at the point in my life where i can just.. get something i want #is it wise? idk. does it feel good? actually yes. #i could get a theremin and THERES NOONE THAT CAN STOP ME #NYEH HEH HEH #personal

[wilmakins]

The One MCU Rumour That Bothers Me - And Why

Self indulgent and introspective rant about *that* MoM casting rumour under the cut - be aware of potential 'spoilers' and unnecessary length.

So, those of you that follow me probably know that I’m pretty laid back.

Okay, granted, I can still get angry over CACW 5 years on (it’s my hyper fixation, what can I tell you?) but even my rants on that topic are, I think, pretty balanced – and certainly free from any ‘I hate Marvel/this is a crime against cinema/they’re never getting any of my money again’ hyperbole.

I don’t comment casting rumours. I don’t have a defined way that I want to see the MCU play out, I don’t get involved in fandom drama or comment on other peoples’ HCs, I don’t go on angry twitter rants about every choice I disagree with – I even kept my mouth shut about Steve’s ending, FFS.

I have always felt that being a fan of the MCU should be a light-hearted thing, an enjoyable thing, and – although it’s meant a lot to me, and helped me make some long lasting and genuine friendships – to be honest, I’ve never thought of it as being that deep…

And yet, the rumour that Tom Cruise is going to be playing a Tony Stark Variant in MoM has… bugged me. Like, actually nagged at me – to the point that I’ve actually left comments on some of the news stories about it. Which I never do…

And, of course, the response to these comments has been predictable. Amongst the many people who share my anxiety, there are also plenty of people to tell me ‘It’s not recasting Tony Stark, it’s just a variant’, that ‘It’s not all about RDJ, and you fangirls need to be less obsessive’, that ‘Iconic roles are recast all the time – look at the Joker and Batman’.

And, you know, I might feel better if any of that was the source of my discomfort… But it really isn’t.

For one, I’m not actually a Robert Downey Jr Fangirl. I’m a Tony Stark fangirl. And although I fell in love with RDJs portrayal of him, to me, he’s just an avatar for the fictional creation I love. I couldn’t tell you the first thing about RDJ. I don’t know his kids names. I couldn’t name more than 2 other movies he’s been in (only one of which I’ve actually seen). I couldn’t tell you anything about his past, beyond the vague ‘comeback of the century’ story that everyone knows… I’ve never felt any ‘protective’ instinct towards the actor before – to be honest, if I ever see a news story about him personally, I’m as uninvested as I would be in a story about any Hollywood A Lister.

Secondly, I know this isn’t Marvel ‘Recasting Tony Stark’, any more than Richard E Grant was them ‘recasting Loki’ or Tobey and Andrew were them ‘Recasting Spiderman’. I understand the concepts of variants.

…I mean, I’ll be honest, I was never enamoured with the concepts of variants, or the multiverse. For a while, I wondered if that was the issue here – the fact that I’m somewhat sceptical of an ever sprawling multiverse, and the way it potentially destroys the all important internal logic of the MCU, and possibly reduces the stakes… But that didn’t quite feel right, as an explanation. After all, NWH and the Loki Series proved that this concept could be done in an engaging, internally consistent way – my distrust of the Multiverse concept didn’t affect my excitement about or enjoyment of either of those projects. And I didn’t have the same reaction to rumours that Patrick Stewart might be appearing as Professor X, or that Hugh Jackman may show up as Wolverine. I may not much like those rumours either, but none of them made me think I was ‘done with Marvel’

It wasn’t even a reaction against Tom Cruise per se – although I’ll admit, I’m not a fan, and I don’t think he’d be a good fit for Tony Stark. But, like I say, I’ve always been able to separate the actor from the character playing them, and it’s not like I’m a huge fan of all the other actors in the MCU…

But still, this one rumour that just kept bugging me… Even leading me to fear that I could be turned off of the movie franchise I loved so much…

And then, tonight, it hit me – whilst watching The Simpsons.

It was one of those low-quality, mid-noughties episodes from long after the show’s heyday. And, like the cliché millennial I am, I made a trite comment about the show having gone past it’s prime long ago…

Because it moved away from the relatable storylines that made it so popular in the first place…

Because they kept breaking the ‘reality’ of the show and contradicting past storylines for the sake of a cheap joke or a shock…

Because they kept cashing in on celebrity voice overs that didn’t fit the show or mean anything…

Because they became naval gazing, and self-referential, breaking the fourth wall once an episode to smugly elbow the viewer in the ribs…

Ah. This was it then.

The Tom Cruise Rumour had made me anxious that this was Marvels ‘Simpsons Season 10’ moment.

When that clicked, I realised what made the ‘Tom Cruise’ rumour different to previous cameos, or the other ‘spoilers’ on reddit.

Because, for one, it so clearly seemed like ‘cashing in’ for its own sake. That’s why the ‘calm down, he’s only going to be in it for like ten minutes’ comments did not actually calm me down – because that was kind of the problem.

Andrew and Tobey weren’t in NWH for a single scene gag – they were written in as a fundamental part of the story, making the cameo more than just a marketing gimmick or a cheap attempt at ‘fan service’. Richard E. Grant was chosen because he fit a role that was already being written as part of the Loki series arc – they didn’t bung that reference in simply because they wanted to include that actor. If Patrick Stewarts Professor X turns up, he will at least be building on a multi-movie legacy, and bringing an already well loved character into the universe…

But a ten-minute cameo from Tom Cruise is nothing more than an in-joke with the fans – and a pretty cynical one at that. Which means a ten-minute cameo from him will be nothing more than a smug reminder that we’re all watching a movie, and a way to make us feel like part of the clique.

Maybe other people will like that sort of meta humour that makes them feel smart and special… But I personally liked watching and immersing myself in these stories, without constantly being reminded that they aren’t real.

And, to be honest, it felt like cynically ‘cashing in’ on the character of Tony Stark – and, before you say that I only think this because I’m a Tony Stark fan-

Really, this Tony Stark fan would rather you just left him dead. At least for a couple of years.

And I say that not to protect Tony’s legacy – but to protect the future of the MCU.

Richard E Grant didn’t feel like a cheap attempt to appeal to Loki fans – because Loki was standing right there. Andrew and Tobey weren’t in NWH to bring in the Spiderman fans – it was a Spiderman movie. I could at least believe that Professor X or Wolverine might be used in a way that added something to the story – at the very least, they both have established characters and histories to do something with…

But referencing Tony Stark yet again (through a brand-new iteration, only known because of an IRL casting drama that has become urban legend with the fans) when his death was used as the emotional end point of the whole first phase just a few years ago, feels very much like an attempt to… keep milking the golden goose? Okay, you can’t milk a goose, but you know what I mean – it feels like the studio is already slipping into cheap appeals to previously popular characters rather than taking the time to develop new ones. Almost like they’re scared of the risk they’re taking – like they want the safe, familiar crowd pleasers in there…

All in all, this one rumour renews all my previous worries about the multiverse concept – that it isn’t going to be used as an internally consistent mechanism to explore new stories (as always seemed a very big ask) but rather a magic wand to be used whenever they want a hashtaggable moment in there.

And it makes me worry that, in a bid to hold onto their momentum, Marvel are going to move away from the carefully developed, character driven stories that built that momentum in the first place. As so many popular properties have done when they ‘jumped the shark’.

It makes me worry that they’re going to keep writing ‘safe’ characters into the movies that could be used to introduce new ones – or, worse still, that they’re going to start cramming those references into places that they don’t fit.

It makes me worry that they’re going to write scripts based on whichever masturbatory fancasts are popular on twitter, rather than building a long term, interwoven story.

It makes me worry that they’re going to turn the MCU into a parody of itself, where the jokes are always between the fanboys and the director, at the expense of the characters themselves.

It makes me worry that the producers are going to go for the cheapest shots, building bigger and bigger ramps over larger and larger sharks, until the whole thing becomes meaningless

It makes me worry that I’m going to see a Marvel Movie in a few years time, and make the same comments we all make about the Simpsons now – and that makes me sad.

And, okay, I know I haven’t seen the movie yet – so, maybe Tom Cruise will surprise me. Maybe he’ll be a revelation in the role, bringing something so important and meaningful to the story that it’ll become clear why they didn’t give an up and coming actor a chance, or explore the idea of a female Tony Stark variant, or frame Tony as a person of colour, or any of the other ideas that might, on the face of it, have seemed more interesting…

But, in any case, I at least feel better that I’ve worked it out – and I feel better now that I’ve sat here and written it out. So. That’s something, I guess?

#Multiverse of Madness spoilers #Multiverse of Madness Rumours #Wilma Rants

[heroineimages]

Villainess Showcase: the Unstoppable Melissa Foddebrat

So I’ve been meaning for a few years to offer a writeup on Tapastic’s amazing comic Beware the Villainess. As my longtime readers know, I love a well-written villainess as much as a well-written heroine, and the Lady Melissa Foddebrat is one of my absolute favorites. The story is an official translation of a Korean comic, available on Tapas (with Ink, btw, so it costs money to read). It offers amazing art, a unique story, and an excellent villainess. Discussion below the cut!

(tl,dr/spoiler-free: Melissa has amazing presence and presentation as a villainess. She's not afraid to get in the faces of entitled jerks, her fashion is magnificent, she maintains people's loyalty without resorting to fear or gaslighting, she knows how to project an intimidating demeanor, and she defies the story world’s expectations all over the freaking place. I definitely recommend!)

All screencaps taken from the comic. Story credits:

The basic premise is that the title character is a Korean girl who’s found herself reincarnated as Lady Melissa, the villainess in a romance novel called All the Men that Loved Her. In the novel the heroine, Yuri Elizabeth, is a sweet, gentle fairy-tale princess being pursued by four undeserving men: the handsome crown-prince, the strong-silent-type sniper, the ruggedly handsome werewolf, and the billionaire merchant. Having read the novel, Melissa knows that (1) the story and its heroes are going to disproportionately screw the villainess over, (2) all four of Yuri’s love-interests are slimy, toxic creeps being portrayed as heroes by a misogynist author, and (3) the heroine and villainess both deserve better.

Rather than just letting the story play out, Melissa opts to use her status as villainess to protect both herself and Yuri Elizabeth. All four of the alleged heroes in All the Men that Loved Her represent toxic male archetypes that frequently get portrayed as benign and even lovable in popular fiction. Melissa deserves to be a feminist icon for her drive to combat an entire story world’s worth of gross misogyny.

All of the romantic interests view Yuri as a possession, and none have any sense of consequences for their actions. The handsome crown prince---who is also Melissa’s fiance---is a womanizing cad who cheats on her in kind of a Zeus/Hera relationship dynamic. The sniper is Melissa’s brother who clandestinely follows Yuri around to ‘protect her,’ when he’s actually just a creepy stalker. The werewolf is courageous and ruggedly handsome but is also reckless and stupid with little respect for human life. And the suave, handsome billionaire is a possessive sadist who wants to lock Yuri away and keep her for himself. I love that Melissa makes it her mission to take the bastards down a few pegs.

Nextly, the fashion in Beware the Villainess is absolutely phenomenal. I’ve read dozens, if not hundreds, of webcomics over the years, and I can’t think of any that consistently compare to Melissa’s magnificent wardrobe. She gets striking daily wear, elegant ball gowns, and dapper riding suits---definitely a perk of being a nobleman’s daughter.

And it’s consistently this excellent! I don’t think Melissa owns a single boring outfit. Though hardly the only thing that makes Melissa such a dashing and charismatic villainess, her excellent fashion is definitely an important part of her overall presentation.

I appreciate as well that Melissa maintains people’s loyalty without intimidation or gaslighting. In fact, she genuinely treats people of lower station as human beings. When the sniper and werewolf get in a fight, for example, Melissa revels in the pandemonium at first, but once she realizes that their fight puts innocent bystanders in danger, she stands up to both of them and puts an end to their stupid dogfight.

Similarly, Melissa also befriends her werewolf butler Nine and the heroine Yuri by treating them both as people. Nine is an outcast from his clan and was starving and homeless before Melissa took him in. While her reasons for rescuing Nine off the streets were ultimately kind of self-serving, Melissa is the first to treat him like a person, and she maintains his loyalty by giving him a home and job and showing him his value. Yuri, meanwhile, gets treated as a prize to be won by her four suitors. But by treating Yuri as a friend, Melissa demonstrates to her that she has value beyond being a mere object of others’ affection. Ultimately, this completely turns Yuri off toward her suitors. While I think one can argue that Melissa’s goals aren’t wholly selfless, I feel like she gives every indication she values her friends and servants as individuals.

To her enemies, however, Melissa is a scary monster. Though early on she struggles against the story’s plot and the heroes’ plot-armor, Melissa gradually discovers how to use the story world to her advantage, outwit the male protagonists, and scare the shit out of minor characters.

And I think that’s why Melissa’s enemies and even the story itself are terrified of her: she consistently defies everyone’s expectations of her. Where her past self was dismissed as a bratty noble and the story’s women are expected to be demure, pretty objects, Melissa has only this to say in response:

I adore her character for so many reasons.

She’s defiant,

darkly funny,

dapper,

fearless against some very powerful adversaries,

and even heroic at times.

In fact, I don’t think since Avatar Korra have I seen a character who so consistently flouts the expectations both of her readers and of the world she inhabits. Melissa’s characterization is magnificent, and I applaud the writers and artists for their magnificent work.

Thanks as always for reading, folks! Take care and stay awesome!

#Beware the Villainess #Melissa Foddebrat #villainesses #comics #webcomics

[myhoneststudyblr]

I often get asked for tips on various aspects of creating a studyblr and then how to grow it! It can be really daunting before you start if you don’t know how to go about it or what to post - I remember really wanting to create one for months before I actually built up the courage to make one.

This post is hopefully going to make this easier for you and give you the tips you need to get the best out of your blog!

Disclaimer: this is quite long! i wanted to make it as detailed as possible and it kinda got away from me XD

What is a studyblr?

study + tumblr = studyblr

A studyblr is a tumblr blog that posts anything associated with studying.

These blogs are part of the ‘studyblr community’, which is an online community of students who share their love for studying, stationery and their current lessons and study tips.

Why should you create a studyblr?

There are honestly so many reasons why i think that studyblrs are an amazing thing and why i can’t see myself leaving this community any time soon! here are some of my personal experiences:

1. i want to study! i have always been a very conscientious student and i have always worked very hard but i’m going to be completely honest with you and say that a lot of the time, particularly as i’ve been getting older, it has been a real struggle to get the motivation to do work. since i’ve started my studyblr, i’ve noticed a real increase in my desire to work because i want to have new things to post and talk about. it acts as a sort of outside external motivator!

2. my studying has got more interesting! when i say this, i don't mean the content. i’ve learnt so many new techniques and ways to organise my work that each set of notes that i do is different and i don’t feel like i’m doing the same thing every day!

3. my notes and handwriting have got neater! if you follow me, you might have seen a post from me a while back where i talked about my insecurity about my handwriting because i was *always* the person with the messy handwriting™. unfortunately, i am a perfectionist and i really wanted to have neat handwriting and notes. so my studyblr - because i wanted my posts to look good - made me spend more time focusing on the appearance of my notes and forcing me to slow down (this had been my main problem). now i can see a huge difference and i’ve reached a place where, even though my handwriting will never be the perfect font-like handwriting, it is noticeably neater and more consistent and i now love my pretty and unique handwriting

4. incredible advice about everything studying related! no matter where you are from, or what you study, it is possible to find advice about something that is relevant to you! people in studyblr are going through or have gone through everything you have and they give incredible advice on some many different things, from college applications and how to study a certain subject, to book recommendations and notetaking tips. but there are also plenty of tips on lifestyle and self-care, which are invaluable. even if you can’t find a post that helps you, you can always send someone an ask or a message and they’ll always try to help you out!

5. my mental health has got better and the community has helped me through so tough times! being a student today is hard and keeping your mental health in a good place can seem even harder. but i personally have found the studyblr community really helpful with this because i don’t feel so i alone. i know that there are so many mutuals and blogs that i follow that are going through similar things and i know i could always reach out to them for anything. i’ve also become less hard on myself and give myself significantly less impossible goals since i started studyblr

6. you will meet some incredible people. this was something that i wasn’t really expecting because when i started my blog i thought i would get 100 followers *max*. instead, i have been completely embraced by the community and have had some amazing conversations with people i know genuinely consider to be my friends. it is so easy to meet like-minded people who just want to support each other!

these are just the most important benefits that I've experienced with my own studyblr journey and there are so many more!!!

The 5 Basic First Steps

1. create a blog

if you are seeing this post i assume that you already have a blog! maybe you don't but luckily for you its very easy to create one. the main think you need to think about is whether you want to create a primary or secondary blog! you can find the differences between these here!

2. choose a URL/blog name

your username can be pretty much anything and can be a good way to show your personality, your likes or dislikes, or your goal for your studyblr! you can get really creative with your username and though most are, it doesn't have to be study/studyblr related.

here’s are some ideas that you could use when coming up with a username:

Your name or nickname

Favourite subject or your degree

Your dream job

Role models or fictional characters

Stationery

Brand names

Study utilities

Your favourite study snacks

COFFEE (this is very popular with many studyblrs... i wonder why?)

Your favourite animal

Basically, it can be anything! and don’t worry, if you decide later that you don’t like the name or you come up with soemthing better, you can always change it

3. choose a theme

this can seem like a very daunting task if you are completely new to tumblr but don’t worry! there are plenty of options and you can play around with this until you get what you want!

mobile theme: this is usually just changing the colours to fit with what you like and the mood of your blog

desktop theme: this is where it gets interesting! your desktop blog usually looks much more unique compared to mobile and you can add various different pages and really get it to look professional. there are so many different incredible themes that you can find that are free to use and can be customised slightly to fit your blog (there are also paid themes). you can also make your own theme (but i know nothing about this so i can’t really offer advice for that!)

4. find an avatar/icon

i personally think icons are really important because they can often be how people begin to recognise your blog when they see it on their dashboard and it can be a glimpse into what people expect

you can just use a normal picture for this: for example of your notes or something that relates to your URL or blog (eg a coffee cup)

however, you can also make your own from scratch! you can create your own icon using applications like Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Illustrator, Canva or Word/Pages. i personally used canva to make my icon (as well as all my banners for posts) and it is really easy to use and best of all is free! there are also people who have made icons for you to use (as long as you give credit) or will make them for you (sometimes for a small fee)

5. find some studyblrs to follow

this is probably the easiest step! if you know about studyblr, you probably already know a few blogs! just go through their blogs and see who they reblog or you can search through the #studyblr tag. i am also always happy to give recommendations of my favourites blogs (of which there are too many to count) or can try to recommend blogs that i know who study the same thing as you/are at the same level of study or are from the same country

Introduction Posts

i am a big believer in studyblr introduction posts! i think they are the best way to meet people when you are just starting and are the way that you get people to notice and interact with your blog.

what should you put in a studyblr introduction post?

your name or a nickname so people know what to call you

your pronouns

where you are from

your age

what you study

what level of study are you at (high school, uni etc.)

your hobbies and passions

why you made your studyblrs

what your goals are

tag some of your studyblr inspirations! (this is quite important because they will probably reblog the post and more people can discover your blog

these are just some suggestions and you don't have to include all of them if you are comfortable with sharing certain things!

if you want some examples of these posts, have a look through the #studyblr introduction tag! on my blog you can find that here!

What to Post

the beauty of studyblr is that you can pretty much post whatever you want and you will find a place in the community!

i love reblogging posts that come on my dashboard that i love or stuff from my mutuals! however, it is also really important to post your own original content because this allows people to get to know you and is probably the best way to grow your blog!

here are some ideas for what to post:

pictures of your notes

pictures of your current book

pictures of your annotations

pictures of your desk/study space

pictures of your food/ study snack

pictures of your drink/coffee

pictures of your favourite cafe

pictures of nature

pictures of your handwriting

text posts about something funny that happened in school/class/uni/your life

text posts about what is going on in your life

text posts about what is on your mind

texts posts where you share your journey completing a particular goal

text posts where you share your plan for the day

study guides

advice posts

self-care and lifestyle tips

essentially, it is whatever you want and whatever works for you!

When to Post

you should post whenever works for you! i know for a lot of people (myself included) most of the time you do not have time to post every day because that is a big commitment and that is absolutely ok!

when i first started, i thought that i had to post every day and it was a lot fo pressure! it was basically impossible to keep up because not only was it taking up a decent amount of my evening editing and posting my notes but also i didn't actually have enough material available to post! a studyblr should never get in the way of your schoolwork so try to fit it around this! post when you have time!

if you do want to have a more consistent posting schedule, there is a feature that allows you to schedule posts! so, say you have a bunch of free time on the weekend, you could schedule all the posts for the week ahead of time!

i would also recommend building up a queue for reblogs because this means that you again have some consistency in posts and you have new stuff quite regularly! (i personally always have a huge queue)

How to Grow Your Studyblr

the main thing i want to stay is that you should not be too worried about how many followers you have or how many notes your posts get because it really is unpredictable! i’ve had posts that have got crazy amounts of notes and i literally expected them to get hardly any and vice versa! i have no idea how the tumblr algorithm works so you just have to try and post for yourself!

that said, i know that it is really nice to have people interact and appreciate your posts so here are 3 quick tips:

use popular studyblr tags. these include #studyblr, #notes, #studyspo. you could also tag the stationery that you used, what subject it is and what level you at are (eg #high school or #uni)

tag other studyblrs. many studyblrs track certain tags and if you want them to see what you've posted and they will often reblog your post! i personally track the tag #myhoneststudyblr. you can find a post i made a while ago with some studyblr’s and their tags here! (note: this may be slightly out of date)

try and have a relatively consistent ‘look’ to your posts. you don’t have to follow a specific aesthetic but having some consistency in your posts can help people recognise your stuff. i personally keep my pictures of my notes very clutter-free (often just the notes and the pen i used) and bright. however, you can definitely switch things up if you want!

How to Get Involved in the Community

There are so many different ways that you can do this! Here are some of the best ways in my opinion!

send asks and messages to people!

i highly recommend sending asks to people, for example, if they reblog an ask game post or even just asking for some advice because they will start to recognise you as someone who is engaged with their blog and you could also learn something new about one of your favourite studyblrs!

messages are also a great, slightly more personal, way to interact with people. it can be as simple as messaging people to tell them you love their blog, or again asking them for some advice. if they do a post about a test or exam that they have coming up, you could even message them good luck or ask how it went. i have had some amazing conversations with people through messages and it is a great way to meet new people

just a reminder: always be respectful and polite in messages and asks to ensure that the community remains positive

reblog posts with a comment on their posts!

(or just add a comment, although this could be confusing if your studyblr is a side blog so just be warned)

this is a really nice way to let people know you’ve seen their post and it is always nice to give feedback. a comment can be as simple as: i love your handwriting! or good luck in that test! but that simple message reaching out it so nice to get! also, reblogging is really helpful to blogs because it means more people see the post

join a challenge!

ok, so i’ve had this blog for about a year and a half now and i had a pretty decent amount of followers (which i seriously do not understand XD) but i never got the same amount of interaction and involvement in the studyblr community until i created my #2020 quarantine challenge (click here if you wanna find out about this). i would get reblogs and likes on posts but i don’t think that i used to get nearly as much interaction with my posts with people leaving comments and stuff. furthermore, although i had blogs where we were technically mutuals, i didn’t really have mutuals like i do know where we actively keep in touch and check out each other’s posts all the time and stuff and that is honestly the nicest thing

challenges mean that you are most likely posting every day (or at the very least pretty regularly if you cannot manage every day) and this is good because you post lots of new content for people to discover. another great thing is that there is usually a tag that you can search for and scroll through and find others who are doing the challenge alongside you. the person who created the challenge also probably checks the tag out every few days and reblogs the posts

for these reasons, i cannot highlight how amazing challenges are for interaction and getting involved in the community!

The Golden Rule of Studyblr

🚨 ALWAYS BE POLITE AND FRIENDLY 🚨

probably my favourite thing about the studyblr community - and i know many others share this opinion - is that is such a friendly and welcoming place. it of course has its problems but this is a place whose ultimate aim is to support each other through our studying journeys! we are all here because we wanted to find likeminded people who we can make friends with and share our lives! therefore it is really important that we always try and lift each other up because you never know what someone is going through

Summary

there are lots of benefits to starting a studyblr so you definitely should!

it’s good to make your blog look nice and clean!

studyblr introductions are very important to start your blog off!

post what you like when you like!

tagging can be a great way to grow your blog!

don't focus too much on the number of notes you get or how many followers you have!

send asks and messaging, reblogging and commenting on other people’s posts and joining challenges are all great ways to get involved in the community!

we are all here to support one another so always be polite and friendly!

Other Resources

From Me

here is an answer to an ask i received about starting a studyblr (here is another one)

here is an answer to an ask i received about editing photos

From others

A Beginner’s Guide to Starting a Studyblr by @eintsein​

12 Step Guide to Starting and Running a Studyblr by @emmastudies​

How to Start a Studyblr by @caffeineandcoding​

Advice for New Studyblrs by @studyquill​

Starting a Studygram by @studyrellablr​ (many of the tips are the same for studyblr)

I hope this was helpful to any new studyblrs and even existing ones! As always i am always happy to answer asks and messages about and give any advice! If anyone else has any tips or tricks, please add them below!!!

#studyblr #how to start a studyblr #studyblr community #ref #my post #my advice #me #sophie speaks #my notes #advice #new studyblr #tips #heypat #heyreva #heyharri #adelinestudiess #heyfox #problematicprocrastinator #studyvan #eintsein #einstetic #studyspo #sonderstudy #heyemmie #heycazz #intellectys #elleandhermione #studylustre #philologystudies #looksierra

[aros001]

Going in blind: Watching season 1 for the first time. Random thoughts.

This show is kind of nice because I have no memories of the original She-Ra show, or even any of He-Man, honestly. I'm not sure if I ever watched the original, so I have no frame of reference for how the series is "supposed" to be. I can just take it and judge it as is.

Of the bat, all I know is that supposedly She-Ra and Catra get together as a romantic couple later, but I'm also a huge My Hero Academia fan and the fandom around me ships every character with every other character, so for all I know that might just be shipper wishful thinking I've been seeing and hearing. Given fandoms for Gravity Falls, Thor, and Supernatural ship even siblings together, I've learned not to trust anything except for what I see in the series for myself.

By the way, this isn't a review, just random thoughts and comments I'm having as I'm going through season 1 for the first time.

Episodes 1 and 2: Right off, I really like Catra's "No duh" response to Adora about the truth of the horde. She knows they've been lying to them and have been doing terrible things, she just doesn't care. If she and Adora play their cards right they could end up being the ones in charge and then they'd have all that power. Not necessarily to make things better but enough to where they could do whatever and live however they want. That's a good build for an antagonist. Not ignorant to the fact what they're doing is wrong, just simply so selfish that they don't care.

Episode 3: It really feels like there was no good reason why Glimmer didn't just outright introduce Adora to her mother and every reason she should have known it was a bad idea to try and hide her for a surprise. Being a former horde soldier she'd probably get treated with hostility if Glimmer brought her to the front gate but you'd almost guarantee Adora would get arrested or outright killed if she got caught while no one else knew she was there.

On the other side, we have Hordak being pretty intelligent in promoting Catra. He probably knows Shadow Weaver already doesn't like him, so it's not like he's losing anything making her upset with him, and it's clear she favors Adora way more than Catra, so that little bit of advancement towards Catra probably goes a long way in earning her loyalty to him and a person on the inside with Shadow Weaver.

Also, I'm not the only one who saw Madam Razz and immediately thought Adora had found her Yoda, right?

Episode 4: I don't know how it was in the original She-Ra and He-Man series but I kind of like She-Ra being this title from legend. Adora is not the first She-Ra, given what Razz was talking about with a Mara, so instead of being something new, impressing everyone with abilities they've never seen before, and creating the legend, Adora is placed in a position WAY over her head where she's having to live up to what came before her.

Episode 5: Calling it now, as long as her personality is genuine I think Scorpia is going to be one of my favorite characters in this show. She's...endearing, I think is the best word. She's like a mix of Kronk and a nicer Shego.

For a little bit I thought Mermista was voiced by the same actress who played Poison Ivy in the Harley Quinn animated series. She's not but they do have the same kind of Daria-ish inflections, thus by confusion. Given the prom episode, Sea Hawk feels kind of like her Kite Man.

Episode 6: Okay, now it's between Scorpia and Entrapta who are likely to be my favorites by the end of this. She's fun and quirky.

Episode 7: Quite the lore drop. Shadow Weaver was once a Mystacor sorceress known as Light Spinner. I like to imagine we'll get more on that later. Her haunting Adora reminded me of the Teen Titans' episode where Robin was similarly haunted by Slade. This didn't go as far as that but that's probably for the best, since TT had two and a half seasons to build that dynamic up with Robin and Slade while we're only now halfway through the first season.

Episode 8: Well dang. Again, I don't know for sure if Adora and Catra do end up together but boy do I buy why they're shipped together after that dance. Also, good on Bow for standing up for himself. It's clear that he'll always be Glimmer's friend and this won't change that but that doesn't mean he has to just accommodate her. I understand where her issues stem from but I am still glad he gave her a reality check. It helps him feel a little more like his own character.

Also, another nice little bit of lore and worldbuilding. Scorpia's a princess, the horde landed where her people lived, and they seemed to join them willingly.

Episode 9: Surprisingly don't have a lot to say about this other than I don't buy for a second that Entrapta is dead (EDIT: She's not). This was mostly action.

Episode 10: Not going to lie, this one kind of annoyed me a little, at least the first half. The conversation between Glimmer and her mother saved it a bit. It was a bit of a trifecta. You have the alliance breaking apart, saying that the loss of Entrapta only happened because they were all together...even though Entrapta only "died" because of her own machine obsession that caused her to deliberately walk back into the purging chamber. You have Entrapta who might be turning to the horde's side because she feels abandoned by the other princesses...even though they thought she was dead, and again it was her fault they got separated. And you have Glimmer refusing to tell her mother that Shadow Weaver's dark magic has caused her powers to go on the fritz and is causing her great pain. It just feels like none of this would be an issue if most of these people would stop being self-absorbed for three seconds and talk like any normal person would. It feels very CW drama, like something I'd see in a bad season of Arrow or The Flash. The only person whose issues I buy is Adora, who is basically a soldier who was never properly raised to deal with emotion or loss and is already struggling with the burden of being She-Ra, the legendary savior. I get why she's beating down on herself for not being able to do more even if nothing that happened was her fault.

Episode 11: JEEEEEEEEEZZZZ, that was such a good episode! Focused entirely on Adora and Catra and their past together. Like, just showing someone this episode alone could probably get them to want to watch the series. That was everything you needed to know about their dynamic and history together.

Also, that moment when Catra and her past self are looking at each other, while obviously Catra takes the opposite lesson, it reminded me of this fanart I'd once seen of Jason Todd, the Red Hood, looking at his past self as Robin. The past says to the future "You ruined everything". Catra could be happy but, ironically for someone who hates Shadow Weaver, she's probably going to be a lot like her, sacrificing everything for power and ambition.

Given the way she looked, I'm guessing Shadow Weaver is either addicted to the power of the Black Garnet or she suffered some kind of past injury and its power is the only thing keeping her going. Or both.

Episode 12: I'll be honest, Swiftwind being able to talk kind of gobsmacked and I needed a moment to recover. What a great voice they chose for that character.

So She-Ra is kind of like the legendary heroes from Rising of the Shield Hero, coming from a long line of people chosen to wield the sword. I tend to dislike chosen one types of stories because I think prophecy takes a lot of weight out of the character's actions, so this and Avatar are more what I like. The MC is special but not the only one who's ever been special and they can still easily fail. Their destiny was only to be able to use the weapon, not that they would succeed in any specific purpose.

And dang, Catra's turn against Shadow Weaver happened faster than I thought it would but I'm not complaining. That great "This is what you've really been preparing me for" speech and Hordak, again, being an intelligent villain. "Oh, this experiment could net me a MASSIVE gain and all it could potentially cost me is this rock I already gave away to someone who lately hasn't been producing any results and has been consistently disobeying me. Yeah, I'm going to let this play out."

Episode 13: That was kind of a brutal fight between Adora and Catra. Not the worst I've ever seen even in other shows for this age range (Samurai Jack, for example) but those punches are connecting and those claws are leaving marks.

Also, maybe I'm just misunderstanding the exact situation but shouldn't the good guys' side be called the Resistance instead of the Rebellion? Being a rebellion would imply they are rebelling against an established power or rule over them, but the actual conflict we are shown is the established power and rule that is the kingdoms of Eternia resisting an outside force that wishes to establish a new order over them.

Season 1 verdict: I'm into it. I'm definitely more invested in the villains' side of things but that's not a fault of the series, that stuff is just way more geared towards me than the current princess stuff. I actively am at attention whenever the horde main characters are on screen. For the good guys it's mostly Adora and the She-Ra stuff I'm invested it. That isn't to say I have any real dislikes for that side. Bow especially I'm liking much more than I thought I might. He has kind of this gravitational pull around him. You will be his friend regardless of how much you might want to resist. He's definitely the rock for everyone else to hold onto.

Minor side note, kind of like Korra in Legend of Korra, I love how even when her powers aren't active Adora is shown to still be pretty strong physically with how easily she was lifting people up at the prom.

And I was right, Scorpia is my favorite side character.

On to season 2!

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/PrincessesOfPower/comments/nyll2e/going_in_blind_watching_season_1_for_the_first/

#she ra #she ra spop #random thoughts #reddit repost

[beelzebubskitchen]

I was craving some Mammon and I couldn’t hold myself back. I love how my friend did comment this with “He didn’t deserve your writing but it was very pleasant to read” 😂😂😂 So I hope you cuties will enjoy it as well!  Greetings from the kitchen, Beel just stole my cupcake! 🧁

[Mammon x reader] [word count: 956] 

Your fuse, today it was short. Feeling too hot, the air was too sticky and you were bothered by the sheer number of people flooding the club. By god bothered was an utter understatement. 

Vexed your eyes scanned the room for Mammon. The greedy bastard who dragged you here because you needed to visit this new club with the great Mammon, it was such an honor. Honor my ass, you thought while sipping on your drink. He planned to use you as an excuse, a human shield in case some of his witch girls showed up. This sorry plan was doomed from the beginning so why did you even roll with it? You hated your guts for having such a soft spot for some prick like Mammon. But the heart wants what it wants, right? 

Bingo.

Dipshit Mammon was hogged by at least six or seven of his witches in the club’s enclosed sitting area. Seriously. Was he really stupid? Or did he maybe enjoy playing the escort because honestly, that’s how it looked. 

Bizarrely this sight left you with a bitter taste. He consistently claimed that he was your first and your eyes should only know him. Why was he so dense when it was the other way around. 

Nasty, the knot inside your stomach was really, really nasty covering your body in a malice that didn’t need any magic. 

What kind of game are you playing, darling? 

Did he really think you would just wait around? Oh no, you didn’t have all night and day for him to come up. 

The glass slightly cracked as you rammed it onto the table in front of you. Whatever. Setting foot on the dance floor the crowd parted wherever you drifted. Demons and other creatures of the underworld must be really sensitive to impure feelings and right now you were brimming, filled with a cocktail of anger and irritation. 

Step by step, your eyes never lost focus. The Avatar of Greed was busy chatting away with his girlfriends.Tsk. Expression speaking volumes you knew how to distinguish a real smile from a plastic one, a distressed laugh from a genuine one. He had given them all to you shown his true colours more than enough, even the ugly and the wicked ones. Crazy but you shamelessly went with every side he showed you playing accomplice no matter how stupid the plan was. If he really thought you would just give a damn and ignore it when he abandoned you for those wenches then boy got you all misunderstood. No one as haywire as you would come around, no one to match his pace and you were just so tired of waiting. Graciously you would offer him this one time chance now. 

Can’t you recognize a good thing? 

Breeching their circle, you caught their attention immediately invisible daggers goring you. Your gaze never faltered, though. Why care for some gravel? 

Instead, you casually threaded one hand through your hair, sweeping it backwards while enjoying the view of Mammon’s displayed emotions. He was kind of adorable when he was panicking. 

Ignoring the poisonous hisses you went straight up to your target. The blueish golden sea observing you bore a storm the moment your thigh pressed against his. The cushion shifted with your added weight. It was a bold move draping yourself over his lap but with Mammon there was a need of drastic measures, always. 

The great unfathomable Mammon was at loss. At loss for words, at loss about the situation, at loss about where to place his hands. The moment he short-circuited, you saw it and it drove you over the edge knowing that you had so much power over him. It gave you an insane feeling of smug self-satisfaction, but you wanted more. Stopping now would be such a waste. 

Your thumb pressed against his lower lip barely slipping inside while your other hand found shelter grabbing the back of his unruly mane. Mammon’s breath hitched audibly and you feasted on his vulnerable expression giving way to your vixen side. 

No, there would never be anyone as reckless as you. 

Mind thriving on the idea that he could be all yours your lips found his melting into a perfectly sweet kiss. Who was the greedy one now? 

Sweet was cute but not enough. Not enough to compensate for what he had dragged you through, not enough to fully discount the presence of these stupid witches around you. 

You pulled away licking your lips while eyeing Mammon carefully. 

I got you this chance, tell me what you’re going to do with it. 

There was no need to ask Mammon twice as your actions had not only sparked, no, they had lit a fire inside him. He was, after all, one of the rulers of the Devildom, he was greed himself and he was greedy on keeping what you had offered him. While his playful, childish carefree and clumsy demeanor often masked that he held true power, he would not share you with anyone nor let anyone dare to insult you. 

His arms felt hot and rough as they grasped your hips hauling you closer and his voice dropped sounding huskier and angrier as you had ever heard it before when he growled a “Shut up!” at those bitches. The most thrilling part, however, was the way he kissed you; biting your lip, hungrily begging for entrance. Giddy hot pleasure pulsed through your body, letting it shiver in the need of more. 

The world around you melting away you only felt Mammon. His taste on your tongue, his hands roaming your body and the delight that the great Mammon was all yours now, his cosmos only focused on you. 

#obey me #obey me! #obey me one master to rule them all #swd obey me #obey me mammon #mammon x reader

[giant-dekubowl-ship]

Hooky is a DAMM GOOD webtoon and you should all read it.

Every want to read a long-running epic? Do you like magic and witchcraft in your stories? Is the thought of a colorful cast (literally and figuratively) enough to catch your attention? Do you like stories that are all about love - familial,  romantic and platonic? Want all of what was mentioned above to be renditioned in beautifully drawn and flowing tapestries? 

If so then Hooky - a webtoon by Miriam Bonastre Tur is just for you.

Its a story deserving of a seat next to the ‘greats’ people quote when talking about storytelling on the level of Avatar: The Last Airbender and the like. This is not being said lightly. The pitfalls of any kind of story that goes on for longer than a few episodes or chapters or storytelling arcs is that they may lose their way. Lose track of what the initial chapters were trying to tell or lose focus and bloat up into messy storytelling. This can happen in any medium and webtoon is certainly not immune. 

There are many great stories in webtoon - but many, just like a certain shonen jump manga which continued and stretched until the publisher itself decided to give it the infamous ax - continue their stories until they are unrecognizable. Sometimes, ending the story at just the right time makes a story that much more precious to its readers.

On webtoon, there are certainly quite a few great stories both ongoing and complete that have this ephemeral air of just right. Those kinds of stories that read confidently with the attitude of an individual who has a goal and will and does complete it. 

I personally have many series I hold dear to my heart which are themselves webtoons. Today though I’m here to talk about Hooky. 

The Story 

Hooky, a series so good, that if it were a manga I’d want it turned into an anime and if it were a comic I’d want it turned into a cartoon. And even as a webtoon, I just want someone to bring this to the big screens. 

Its a story about many things. At its heart, it's about love and the lack thereof it (as cheesy as this sounds). Divides from distrust, lashings from hatred, misunderstandings from miscommunication all looked at different levels. From the interpersonal to the societal. Miriam weives a careful and interesting narrative on what can quickly become a complicated and controversial topic. 

Its a series that starts off quaint and oh so very sweet. Akin to Disney's retelling of all the classic fairy tales. 

Two twins, Dani and Dorian dash through a pastel rendition of a Spanish village, dressed in matching black robes as they run late for their school bus. Upon missing their only ticket to the hidden rendition of Hogwarts this world has they have a brilliant idea to hide this from their parents. And instead, find a mentor in magic as an alternative. 

From then on its a swirling adventure as these children navigate a world they’ve obviously never interacted with. It's a fairy tale - but not from Disney - that takes some interesting inspiration from the famous stories fables. Hansel and Gretel being an example which comes to mind. 

Going back to comparing Hooky with Avatar - it’s a story with its high and low moments for the characters. Just like Aang, the main duo of this story, don’t always get to play around with their equivalent of Elephant koi. It’s at times grim but not overly gritty. It doesn't revel in life’s tragedies any more than it indulges in fantasy’s escapism.  

Our main characters find themselves in a world they quickly realize they know very little about and it is quickly made obvious to both us the viewer and the twins, that not everything is exactly as simple as it seems to the inexperienced eyes of the child twins. 

In a way, they are almost perfect reflections to us readers. Ignorant and oblivious to the reality of this open and unexplored world. Almost except for the fact that unlike them, we have some grounding story elements of the initial fables interwoven into the narrative. 

Taking inspiration from a story does not mean copying it however and this is certainly true of Hooky, which is it's own grounded and fleshed out tale.

The world-building starts off in the form of little one-off lines and details which quickly snowball into a predominant feature of the story. Something that demands the attention of both you and the characters. The story and its contents evolve and mature just like the characters as they grow up both figuratively and literally. 

Scenes and events happening as early as chapter one will come back later. Twists, turns, self-fulfilling prophecies - all of which given this series a wonderful re-read value (in addition to the first read-through ride). 

There’s so much I could say about Hooky and it’s story and storytelling. However, much of it is walled off behind intricate layers of world-building and scenes - all of which are too spoil-ery for me to justify, well, spoiling it. 

Instead, I’ll move forward to another greatly quality of this story: Its characters. 

The Characters 

This story’s characters are much of its charm. If you can’t find yourself enjoying Dani and Dorian’s antics along with their friends - then much of this story will fall flat. 

They should not though, because, every character it a well and finely crafted piece of art. 

First, we have the main duo: the aforementioned twins. Both are polar opposites in character, as many twins tend to be written - but both come off as very genuine and their sibling love for each other comes across even more so. 

It’s the little things that make them work. The sibling bickering, the disagreements that put them at odds but eventually bring them back together. The fierce care and protectiveness they have despite this and hostility that will sprout against anyone that attacks one or the other. They won’t be finishing each other’s sentences but no one else in the world would understand their unsaid words better than they do with each other. 

Dorian, the brother is the ‘book smart’, the skill. He likes to think of himself as a well-read gentleman but isn't all that prideful over it (for the most part). He doesn’t handle the more rambunctious boys his age well despite his admiration of them and needs to socialize. 

If there is one thing he’s proud and or defensive over it’s his magic. His wizard heritage and family name - no matter what the outside world’s opinion of it is hell stubbornly hold on to it. A flip side to his genuine and endearing clumsiness when friends are in the picture is the fact that he is perhaps more cynical or anxious than his sister. He’s far from perfect, but again this is due to his youth and inexperience rather than any lingering personality flaw. Throughout the story, he does many things, both good and bad - but everything he does is consistent and grounded as the individual he’s been built up to be. 

Dani is the more outgoing of the two twins, she’s more so the ‘raw power’ of the duo. Despite being just as sheltered as her brother, she’s a step ahead of her brother when facing the uncertain, confident, adventurous but rash - despite how this gets her into trouble. 

She is, however just as sensitive as her brother. In fact, all the while being more outgoing it can seem like she is more easily pressured by the views of others on her than her bother at times, the more easily influenced by the world around her. 

There is also a vast supporting cast of characters in addition to our interesting twin due. Some of which I doubt hesitate to even call just “side” characters with the role they continuously play. 

There’s Nico, a rambunctious village boy - who just wants to properly get the chance to grow up as a wizard’s apprentice despite his ‘lack’ of ability with magic. He’s first introduced as one of those ‘rough around the edges’ individuals with a somewhat un-empathetic temperament. 

As the story’s scope grows and as our characters mature with their experiences, however, Nico is quickly one of the characters who take the lead in his development. Considering where he started, he ends up one of the most grounded and wise characters.

Our next character is Princess Monica. As per her moniker - she certainly starts off impersonating her title. Stuffy, self-aggrandising, very obtuse regarding the lives of everyday people - the list goes one. Her introduction is set with her decision to embark on a quest to find her prince charming. 

Just like our main character duo, she is very sheltered, however. And quickly she’ll discover that her wants and beliefs may clash with reality. This pompous air (which may annoy some readers) thankfully, does not last long. Monica quickly blooms to be one of the most empathetic and hardworking characters within the story. Her blooming relationship with Dorian is as agonisingly anxiety inducing as it is heartwarming to see. 

I could talk at length about the other characters, but if I did this post would go on and on. But certainly, Mark, Alex, Damien, Will, Master Pendragon, the King, the Wytte family - all are intriguing and compelling characters which will keep you around if you’re not hooked already. 

The Art 

The final thing to this post is me just briefly discussing the art. If you haven't noted already from the screenshots - it’s gorgeous and unique. Here the author/artist takes full advantage of the medium provided to her. Scenes will flow down for pages, something only possible in the webtoon. Characters will talk in coloured speech bubbles, something only possible in coloured and static media such as comics. 

The art in this series is nothing close to static, however. It's dynamic and inventive in its paneling in a way that brings so much charm to the series. 

Emotional moments are that much more impactful as you, the readers, are swept through both dream-like and nightmarish scenes alike. Scenes will flow just as much as they will pause between panels, letting words and emotions soak in. They build up awe as well as they do tension and dread. The artistry of the author develops along with the story is nothing short of beautiful especially as we reach the current ending arc’s climax and denouement. 

To Summarise 

Hooky is a well-crafted piece of writing that I hope more people learn about and get to read. It's currently going into its final arc (as of writing this post) and I can attest that it certainly is worth the read. While as a story it enjoyed taking after the grim origins of our favourite fairy tales, it never forgets what it once was - a story about two twins just missing their school bus - and it makes sure to show the readers it hasn’t forgotten with a fairy tale ending fit for a child’s bedtime story its so sweet. 

#hooky #hooky webtoon #dani hooky #dorian wytte #dorian hooky #webtoon #own post #webtoon review #webtoon recommendation #writing #storytelling #art

[blucmoon]

━  ☾ ⊹  ( im jaebum, cis male , he/him ) say hello to AE YONGGUK, the TWENTY SIX YEAR OLD that seems to have a lot in his hands with HIS job as a STALL OWNER, DRUMMER AND OCCASIONAL BARTENDER! beyond that, they seemed RESPONSIBLE AND TRUSTWORTHY upon first glance. i heard someone say they’re sort of EVASIVE AND INSECURE though. HE seems to live in a 4 BEDROOM HOUSE in YUNHWA, SOUTH KOREA. anything else to add? oh, yeah! he also RUNS A STALL CALLED “KODACHROME” WHERE HE TAKES PHOTOS FOR IDS, SELLS PRINTS AS WELL AS BOOKS SESSIONS FOR PHOTOSHOOTS. 

basic information

full name: ae yongguk

nickname(s): guk, yonggu (hasn’t figured out why)

age: 25

date of birth: january 6th, 1995

birthplace: seoul, south korea.

hometown: yunhwa, south korea.

current location: yunhwa, south korea.

ethnicity: asian.

nationality: korean

gender: cismale

pronouns: he / him

orientation: demiromantic, bisexual.

occupation: stall owner and drummer of a band called “crux”. sometimes he helps at his aunt’s bar in busan for some extra money.

living arrangements: house #4012, hwesakgu.

language(s) spoken: korean, english (conversational)

physical appearance

faceclaim: got7’s im jaebum “jb”

hair color: like almost everyone, he has naturally brown hair but throughout the years he’s dyed it blonde or black a couple of times. right now, it’s black and he has managed to grow it to a length he really likes below his chin. yongguk can be usually seen with his hair down and every so often he puts it up in a half updo. whenever the band has a gig, he  exerts a little more effort (even if most of the time it doesn’t pay off).

eye color: brown. (likes colored contacts every now and then)

height: 179 cm

weight: 66 kg

build: lean person, with a good muscular frame.

distinguishing characteristics: two beauty marks right next to each other on his left eyelid.

tattoos: has a full sleeve on his left arm from shoulder down to a little above his wrist and another one his right forearm.

piercings: lobe and upper lobe in both ears, anti-tragus on the left one, double helix on the right, anti-eyebrow and nose on the right side of the face (won’t ever use jewelry during the day though).

clothing style: while he’s working at the stall he has a more casual style consisting of jeans, cargos, pants, button downs, sweaters. likes layering with denim shirts, flannels, jackets, windbreakers over t-shirts, etc. mostly in earthy colors, dark reds and blues, white, gray and black. no matter what though, he will always wear long sleeves, even in the hottest summer days and never roll them up, going to these lengths just to not draw any unnecessary attention. (he’s even gotten a fair amount of rash guards for those occasions when he feels like going for a swim.)

at the bar or at gigs, he’s usually clad in all black or dark tones. sleeveless shirts or those with short sleeves are his go-to, not nearly as concerned to conceal the ink over his arms from the public eye at night. he likes to choose style and comfort when performing, thus splurging a little more on his nightly outfits rather than those he uses on the daily. leather and denim jackets, bombers, sometimes harnesses, jeans in either black or leather, boots, sneakers, muscle shirts, graphic t-shirts, shirts with the first buttons undone and rolled up sleeves in dark, rich colors. style varies from street fashion to grunge to rocker depending on how he feels.  

health

sleeping habits: goes to sleep really late but has no trouble waking up early to go to to work, though for the first couple of hours he’s awake and if he has gotten 4-5 hours only, he’d be kind of silent and unresponsive until getting that first cup of coffee. will likely nap before his shift at the bar only for an hour and a half tops.

eating habits: eats 3 - 4 times a day and gets easily hungry between meals. often seen snacking whatever he can.

exercise habits: doesn’t really exercise much constantly, but on the weekends he likes hiking or running around town.

emotional stability: 6/10

body temperature: average

addictions: none

drug use: experimentally a couple of times, hasn’t done it in a while.

alcohol use: socially, medium-high tolerance.

personality

label: the opaque (unable to be figured out; hiding behind a façade; not transparent.)

positive traits: reliable, responsible, hard-working, trustworthy, loyal, thoughtful, generous, creative, passionate, artistic, caring, considerate, devoted.

negative traits: defensive, evasive, cautious, indecisive, defiant, self-doubt, fluctuating self-esteem, conflict-averse, private, self-conscious, sensitive, unpredictable.

hobbies: starting songs he never finishes, watching the same show every year (avatar the last airbender) as well as his comfort movies, cloud/star gazing, jigsaw puzzles, origami, video games, playing guitar sometimes.

habits: knuckle cracking, muttering under his breath, snacking between meals, rubbing hands together, jaw clenching, gesturing while talking, rubbing the back of his neck, running hands through hair, drumming fingers, sings along to songs and sings gibberish for the parts he doesn’t know, doodles on any paper at reach, dozes off when bored/daydreams, bobs his leg while sitting.

zodiac sign: sun capricorn, moon pisces, rising scorpio (read as: impending disaster)

mbti: infp

enneagram: 6w5

temperament: melancholic

hogwarts house: ravenclaw

moral alignment: chaotic good

primary vice: wrath

primary virtue: diligence

element: water

expanded personality

yongguk has a strong tendency to appear quiet and reserved and it might come off as standoffish or easily confused with snoberish, which makes it worse when he doesn’t go out of his way to change this preconception about him. he needs a great deal of personal space, both physically and mentally, and any attempt to control him or forcibly schedule his activities will only strengthen his need for time alone.

he’s responsible, trustworthy and hardworking. relies heavily on his intuition to guide him and knows how to patiently wait as well as how to adapt to any circumstances. in yunhwa, he’s been forced to learn how to interact with the townsfolk and through the years he’s mastered the front he puts on in order to remain below the radar and not get any unnecessary attention; polite, helpful, sometimes even considered as a sweet guy, yongguk has no problem lending a hand to anyone that needs it.

however, in busan, his adaptability is also handy when it comes to dealing with customers. at the same time, it’s in these moments when he feels a little less restrained and allows himself to be less calculative: flirty, playful, sometimes misleading… he’s gotten in several problems because of this and yet he has no plans to stop it anytime soon.

yongguk is a little insecure and with a fluctuating self-esteem: sometimes he’s very well aware and confident on his skills and assets, but other times he will second-guess everything about himself. this combined with an strong fear of failure that stems from poor past decisions, makes him hesitate when it comes to making important calls that could potentially affect his future, but he knows how to play it off… most of the times.

despite appearing simple at a glance, yongguk is more than what meets the eye. friendly but private, polite but passionate about his beliefs, calm and sometimes expressionless. it’s not that he doesn’t have feelings - he actually runs quite deep and strong - it’s just that he conceals them under a mask of politeness because he’s unsure how to deal with them; he’s restrained when it comes to conveying emotion, but has a very deep care for his peers. might be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing himself verbally, but has a wonderful ability to define and reveal what he’s feeling on paper.

yongguk is genuinely interested in understanding others, a good listener, but will exclusively share his sorrows and woes only with the friends he trusts the most, unafraid to display his best and worst with them. his natural intuition allows him to sense the mood without the need of words. however, he can be quite impressionable and be easily influenced by the moods of others, which may often lead him to feel overwhelmed because of this.

incredibly curious, yongguk loves to explore with his hands and his eyes, touching and examining the world around him with cool rationalism and spirited curiosity. he explores ideas through creating, troubleshooting, trial and error and first-hand experience. yongguk can be a challenge to predict, even by the closest people to him. can seem very loyal and steady for a while, but he has a tendency to build up a store of impulsive energy that explodes without warning, taking his interests in bold, new directions.

with a good memory, he can recall experiences from the past down to smallest details. this is both good and bad: remembering the good memories is a way to ease himself when in stressful or sad situations, but he’s also prone to dwell on previous mistakes and regret them for a long time.

he’s not consistently angry. will either let the anger build up and release it all at once in an outburst or let it out slowly through small, critical remarks throughout the day. sometimes, both. he’s very difficult when annoyed, but it usually doesn’t last that long. a perfectionistic through and through, his main source of anger usually comes from things not being up to their standards. not good at sparing others’ feelings when he does become irritable. doesn’t like conflict and will go to great lengths to avoid it. in those occasions where he does have to face it, he will approach it from his feelings and mistakenly place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. yongguk will react to the emotions he’s going through and won’t care whether or not he’s right, which makes him appear irrational and illogic.

background (tldr)

his parents work in the field with doctors without borders.

yongguk was born in seoul and lived there for six years before his parents sent him to yunhwa to stay with his grandparents while they went abroad.

seven years passed, his parents would rarely contact them, much less visit them.

in the meantime, his grandma taught him how to play many instruments, being a musician herself and he was enrolled in kwangsook academy.

at thirteen they returned and guk moved with them back to seoul. around this time he became more reserved and quiet, the conversation always focused on his parents achievements and interests.

he made it his goal to become a doctor in hopes of having something in common with them. it was a way to seek their attention and approval.

a year later, a new plan was announced and yongguk was back in yunhwa with his grandparents. he was actually pretty happy about this.

started taking his studies seriously in his junior year of high school, going to the extent of dropping music and every other altogether.

he successfully managed to get into pusan national university, school medicine.

however, the whole experience was something he wasn’t ready for at all. for a year and half he struggled to keep up with his classmates and was utterly ashamed to compare his simple goal of wanting to get closer to his parents to the drive of everyone else.

he drops out after talking with his grandfather, a successful doctor himself.

initially excited to get the chance of truly discovering what he wanted to do, a single call from his father deterred his enthusiasm. he was supposed to return to yunhwa, instead he decided to move in with a friend and stay in busan… where everything goes downhill.

at only twenty and under the fake pretense that he’d get his act together, he allows himself to make mistakes and act recklessly, secretly wishing that’d be enough to get his parents attention.

he found temporary jobs all around busan and never lasted too long, but he still made money and that’s the only thing he really cared about at the moment. things aren’t great, but they aren’t that bad, or so he tells himself.

at twenty one, he gets a full sleeve on his left arm as well as many piercings. a couple of weeks after this, his grandparents decided to pay him a surprise visit and the state of his apartment as well as life… is not optimal.

coincidence or not, his parents video called them at that moment. it was the first time he heard from them in a year, and it was the last time as well.

seems like only his appearance was enough to finally trigger some sort of emotion from his father, but it wasn’t really the kind he was looking for. it was anger and he could clearly see the disappointment in his eyes. a heated argument ensues, one that ends with “you’re not our son anymore.”

perhaps it came a little too late, but it was the much needed wake up call to get his act together. not in order to mend the relationship with his parents, he knew that’d be impossible. but more so, for himself.

he perks up at a suggestion from his grandmother, one that was about a long forgotten hobby of his: photography. he remembers an old shoe box filled with polaroids and undeveloped films under his bed.

thus, he stays in busan after enrolling in a community college for a year-long photography class. around this time, one of his aunts offered him a job as a bartender in her bar and since then he’s been helping her every now and then. he says it’s for extra money, but in reality is a way to repay her from hiring him when no one else would.

after he was done with his course and had saved enough money to get a decent camera, he decided it was time to go back to yunhwa.

he returned three years ago. luckily, his reputation there remained intact and he wanted it to stay that way thus hiding the ink on his skin with long sleeves and removing the jewelry whenever he was outside.

yongguk moved back with his grandparents, this time to help them out and take care of his grandmother who started to get a little ill. he picked up playing and making music after finding his long abandoned drum set in the garage.

with the help of his grandfather, he opened his very own stall called “kodachrome” where he takes photos for ids, sells prints of his own work (mostly of yunhwa’s scenery) as well as books sessions for photoshoots.

a year and half ago, however, he had to find a new place. his grandparents decided to retire and move to jeju. thankfully, he managed to get a deal to rent a house from one of his grandma’s friends. the house was a little too big thus he decided to post an ad online looking for roommates to share the space and ease the expenses.

in the present, yongguk is still running his stall and getting contacted every blue moon by small influencers and event planners looking for his services. three nights a week, he goes back to busan to work for his aunt at the bar and every other night he has gigs with a band, which was randomly created after having far too many drinks with his roommates.

background (full)

tw: mentions of needles, tattoos, substances but nothing too graphic.

ae yongguk was the name given to you and and your endearing smiles as well as adorable dimples seemed to be more than enough to have everyone coddling and cosseting you from the get-go. nonetheless, permanency was never on your parents’ agenda. by the time you turned six, they moved away and you were shoved into your grandparents’ household in yunhwa.

it’s difficult to comprehend the sudden change, being told that you’d be living with them for some time. how much? they don’t specify, but the next thing you know is that you’re wordlessly bidding goodbye to your parents, who promised to write and come back for you soon. they didn’t. being part of doctors without borders and making it their goal to offer medical aid where it’s needed most, they put their humanitarian labor before parenthood.

the first letter you got arrived eight months after they left. there’s disappointment and there’s also heartbreak, but they don’t last long. you don’t allow them to regardless of your young age. instead, you focus on how your grandfather, despite having severe and strict ways, squeezed your shoulder and offered the small smile that you know all too well now. or how your grandmother, a renowned musician, didn’t hesitate to shower you in unconditional love. your education didn’t cease and your grandfather immediately enrolled you at kwangsook academy.

one of your most prominent traits is how transparent you are with your emotions and your grandmother easily learnt to read this. it was no surprise that the first time you saw her playing a beautiful song on her baby grand and your irises sparkled with curiosity, she immediately beckoned you closer. “hi, my love.” the elderly woman greeted while shifting a little so you could take a seat beside her. you meet her eyes and you wonder if she’s looking for anything by the time an easy smile appears on her face. “do you like music?” you’re unable to respond, but she must’ve seen something because, after that, she started teaching you the basics of piano. a couple of days later, she asked again and this time around, the answer naturally slipped out of your mouth: i love it.

for your regular classes, you were constant and responsible. sure, you enjoyed learning, but your interest wasn’t inherently there. it was just something you had to do. however, when it came to that newfound love for music of yours, you were the one with the initiative to ask for more lessons and practice whenever you had free time; first the piano, later the guitar and a couple of years later you made the stubborn decision to learn the drums.

it was nice staying in yunhwa, it brought you a comforting sense of belonging. it was the beginning of finding your own voice; discovering your likes and dislikes, some of your talents and even the chance of making friends. however, there was always a lingering question in the back of your mind and a deep sadness you rarely showed: when are my parents coming back?

they do, but only for a short period of time.

you had only turned thirteen, but the moment you saw them you were but an excited kid, joyously yelling and running to hug them, but they greeted you rather… frivolously. you try to ignore the breach between you and them, which you felt the most when you were holding your mother’s hand; her skin a couple of degrees colder than your grandma’s. they ask how you were doing and, in your frenzy, you start talking about everything that’s happened all this time only to be interrupted; the voice you were starting to grow inevitably drowned in the sea of their own achievements and stories.

it’s then that they tell you they’d move to seoul and you’re to go with them. apparently, with the intention to settle down and give it a go to having a normal family. you say goodbye to your grandparents, and unlike your mom and dad, the promises of staying in touch with them are real.

you were silent and reserved around your parents. you had to after learning that no matter what you tried to tell them, the conversation always ended being about what interested them. for a while you pretended to be okay with it, but soon you started wishing they paid as much attention to you as they did to their cause. it made you think that, by immersing yourself in that world, you might be able to keep them interested long enough or make them proud, and your very own obsession to become a doctor started right there. simple questions that had your parents perk up are what made you believe that your plan isn’t too far fetched.

luckily, you were able to retreat to your music whenever everything became too overwhelming, but even this wasn’t enough to stop an ever growing beast called dissatisfaction from making your chest its home. it increases in size and sometimes it’s so big that you’re unable to keep it in your ribcage, coming to light with rebellious little acts such as not doing your homework or bluntly strumming your guitar late at night. eventually, unspoken words and jumbled thoughts find their way into old notebooks full of an amateur’s unfinished songs.

it’s exactly a year later that they announced their new plans of moving to the other side of the world, plans that didn’t take you into consideration at all. it was disappointing, but not really surprising. still, you were able to comprehend the nature of their jobs, after all they were brilliant doctors and only a handful were willing to offer the assistance your parents did. you stop expecting things to change after the farewells you exchanged with them. you wished them the best and truly meant it.

going back to yunhwa at fourteen is something you anticipate; your grandmother welcomed you with your favorite food and your grandfather with a blank notebook. “for your songs, son” he said with that smile of his, learning about this new hobby of yours from one of the many mails you sent them. both were happy about your return and helped you pick up your studies where you last left them.

it’s in your junior year at high school when you truly get serious about your studies, medical school was your single goal. even though you’ve come to terms with the relationship you had with your parents, a hopeful part of you genuinely believed that becoming a doctor would help breach the distance.

and so you do, dropping music altogether and every other hobby that “needlessly” consumed your time and energy. it was admittedly exhausting and you were obviously miserable without playing any instrument. the sleepless nights and the isolation you brought upon yourself paid off the moment you received the news of your acceptance at pusan national university. that very night, you got a call from your parents congratulating you.

for the next year and a half, however, things prove to be extremely challenging when you find yourself amongst thousands of students whose drive and ambition is stronger than simply wanting to get close to their parents. it’s shameful, you admit and the constant pressure as well as the competitive environment soon takes a toll on you, but it was much needed for you to start questioning everything; yourself, your goals and if it was really what you wanted.

the person who helps you to fully come to this realisation is none other than your grandfather, another renowned doctor in your family. it’s shocking to hear him encouraging you to drop out and follow your dreams. truth is you were far too concerned chasing after a hopeless goal than to craft ambitions and dreams for yourself. still, you follow his advice even when you are completely at loss about what the next step would be.

if news of your acceptance travelled fast, so did the news of your departure. you got a call shortly after and all you heard was “we’re very disappointed” followed by radio silence before your father hung up. you were nineteen, about to turn twenty, when they last talked to you.

their silence becomes one of your many excuses to make mistakes and act recklessly; if your good behaviour and your previous little act didn’t catch their attention, this surely will. it’s your shield against the disapproval in your grandfather’s eyes, and that very shield is what stops him from stopping you. even when you told him you wouldn’t return to yunhwa, instead moving to one of your friend’s apartment in the heart of busan.

it’s amusing how easily your grandfather believes your fake promises of trying to get your life together and you feel awful for being such a good liar. you find decent jobs, but never stay too long. unnecessary fights with customers or blatant irresponsibility are the main reasons that force you to find a new one every couple of weeks. you’ve been many things: a busser, a server, even a mascot. you didn’t mind much as long as you were paid.

you willingly dive into a void filled with indulgence and bad decisions. all in order to not think, to not dwell on the future. you used every situation you could possibly get yourself into as a distractor from the painful reality. you were lost, so utterly lost.

twenty one comes around and you decide that, for the first time ever, you’re going to gift yourself something. a permanent work of art, its canvas your skin.

three monthly salaries were spent on black and red ink which reminded you of your favorite place. the needle pierces your skin once, twice, hundred times until your arm is almost fully covered… maybe it was a metaphor, a feeble attempt to display something bright and wonderful on someone who otherwise had long lost every trace of that. it was not enough and a couple of piercings follow in trying to beautify the sheer mess you’ve made of yourself.

some nights you question your own strength and sanity. you used to be pristine, someone to be proud of and an exemplary resident of the town you fondly call home. you were constant, had talent and a midas touch that turned meaningless words into beautiful songs, scribbles onto paper into melodies that had every listener humming along.

what happened to you, boy? says a voice in your head… or is it from your chest? is it the dissatisfaction you’ve tried to keep locked for years? all it took was to be called a disappointment once for you to willingly become one?

it consumes you and every passing day it becomes louder, but you’re stubborn and simply take it as a challenge to find new ways to drown it. headachingly loud music, poisonous substances, liquid trust or the ecstasy under someone’s fingertips… the city swallows you whole and provides you with momentary sweet oblivion but… is the aftermath of impeding remorse worth it? it is, you convince yourself while running back into it’s arms night after night.

one day, without warning, three knocks come onto your door and when you’re about to curse whoever disrupted your game, you’re met with your grandparents. your appearance is deplorable; bloodshot eyes, greasy hair and alarming signs of lack of proper sleep. it hurt to see your grandmother, as crystal clear as you wear, worried and at loss of words. a thing the city taught you was to be a pretender and so you ignore every sign of concern in their faces while smiling at them. “long time no see!” you say cheerfully.

it’s a quiet visit. they don’t know what to tell you or where to start, and neither do you feel a need to fill the awkward silence when your grandfather’s phone went off. he answers without thinking to a videocall and the voice that greets him has you freezing on your spot. father. your face falls and your eyes widen in obvious panic when he asks about you. the older man in the room seems to be equally as frantic as you when he glances at you, taking in how you look before your father speaks again.

“oh, is yongguk there? let me talk to him.” his authoritative tone was enough to have your grandfather turning the phone towards you. it’s late, far too late to fix yourself or even try to hide the glaringly bright red ink on your arm. so, in your frenzy, you decide to play cynical. what else could you lose, right? “hey, dad.” you greet with a shameless smile upon your lips. “your timing is as impeccable as ever.”

the argument that ensues forces you to retreat to your room and you thank whatever universal force that your roommate decided to have a weekend-long trip. it’s a heated fight, and you realize midway through that this is the longest conversation you’ve ever had with your father. why is it that the most display of emotion you get from him is when you don’t follow his ridiculous standards? he gets louder, so do you and it escalates to irreversible words. the last thing he says is “you’re not our son anymore” followed by silence.

then you laugh.

you laugh over the irony of an absent father saying such a thing. you laugh because you don’t want to allow him see you hurting. you laugh at how fucked up the whole situation is. “doesn’t make a difference, does it?” you say between unabashed chuckles. “not like you ever acted like a father, anyway.” and you hang up, your legs giving in and only then did you notice that your whole body had been shaking this whole time.

you muffle a scream on a pillow while feeling so alone and like the butt of the cruelest joke. you want to hate your father and your mother. you want to despise them for their horrible behavior. instead, you find yourself crying like an abandoned kid wanting, yearning for the love that wasn’t given to him. you want to run, to disappear, to hide where no one can find you.

then, two arms wraps around you and even though your grandmother is a little smaller than you, you find yourself feeling protected under her embrace. shortly after comes a pat on your head from your grandfather. you look up at those brown eyes full of wisdom and, when he tells you “everything will be okay, son.” you wholeheartedly believe him

because, a year later, things started looking up.

#INFO.TXT #YONGGUK.EXE #LOC.YUNHWA

[fyeah-bangtan7]

The Greatest Showmen: An exclusive look inside the world of BTS

Maybe you saw them piled on the klieg-lit couches of Ellen DeGeneres and Jimmy Fallon, trading light bilingual banter with their starstruck hosts. Maybe it was when they spoke solemnly on mental health and self-love at the United Nations General Assembly last September, or when a wall of dolphin-like screams greeted them as they rolled into February’s Grammy Awards in trim matching tuxedos, their hair tinted various shades of pastel macaron.

Or maybe the cover of this magazine is the first time you’ve truly noticed BTS. (Stranger things have happened in 2019.) But it seems indisputable to say that sometime over the past two years, the septet have taken over the world: two No. 1 albums on the Billboard chart in the span of three months; more than 5 billion streams combined on Apple Music and Spotify; a string of sold-out concert dates from the Staples Center in Los Angeles to London’s famed Wembley Stadium.

That hardly makes them the first boy band to dominate a cultural moment, but the fact that they are all Korean-born and -raised, singing Korean-language songs only occasionally sprinkled with English, feels like something brand-new. And it speaks to an unprecedented kind of global currency — one where pop music moves without barriers or borders, even as geopolitics seem to retreat further behind hard lines and high walls.

On a blindingly bright March day in Seoul five weeks before the release of their upcoming sixth EP, Map of the Soul: Persona, the band is holed up at their record label Big Hit Entertainment, preparing. Buildings like this are where much of the magic of the phenomenon known as K-pop happens, though Big Hit’s headquarters on a quiet side street in the city’s Gangnam district (yes, the same one Psy sang about in his 2012 smash “Gangnam Style”) look a lot like any other tech office: sleek poured-cement corridors and glass-box conference rooms scattered with well-stocked mini-fridges, plush toys, and the occasional beanbag chair. Only a display case stacked with a truly staggering number of sales plaques and statuettes, and a glossy large-scale photo print of BTS at their sold-out concert at New York’s Citi Field last October, give away the business they do here.

Down a long hallway, all seven members lounge in various states of readiness as they gear up to pretape a thank-you video for an iHeartRadio award they won’t be able to accept in person. Jimin, bleached blond and pillow-lipped, is having his hair carefully flat-ironed in a wardrobe room filled with racks of coordinated denim and neon streetwear. Dozens of pairs of pristine Nikes and Converse are piled in a corner; a lone fun-fur jacket the color of strawberry ice cream slumps on a hanger behind him, like a neglected Fraggle.

Jung Kook, the baby of the band at 21, sits obediently in a folding chair in the dance studio, also having his hair tended to; J-Hope strides by in a white dress shirt emblazoned with an over-size silk-screen of Bart Simpson, then grins and disappears. Suga, V, and Jin huddle together on low sofas next door, scrolling through their phones and occasionally singing fragments of American R&B star Khalid’s “My Bad.” Twenty-four-year-old RM, the group’s de facto leader and lone fluent English speaker, is the last to arrive.

They run through their speech for a camera crew and do maybe four or five takes until the director is satisfied. Then they settle in for a conversation in an airy break room upstairs, accompanied by their longtime translator, a large, amiable bald man in a business suit named John. (Unless noted, the answers of all members other than RM come through him.) Several weeks after returning from their first Grammys, they’re still riding high off the experience: presenting the award to H.E.R. for Best R&B Album; chatting with Shawn Mendes in the men’s room — “I was like, ‘Do I need to tell him who I am?’ ” Jimin remembers, “but then he said hello first, which was really nice” — and being seated only a sequin’s throw from Dolly Parton. (“She was right there in front of us!” marvels Jung Kook. “Amazing.”)

As happily dazzled as they still seem to be by other celebrities, seeing BTS in the flesh triggers the same disorienting but not unpleasant sense of unreality. On screen, the band can look disconcertingly pretty; avatars of a sort of poreless, almost postgender beauty who seem to exist inside their own real-life Snapchat filters. In person they’re still ridiculously good-looking, but in a much more relatable, boyish way: bangs mussed, even the occasional chapped lip or small (okay, minuscule) blemish. Take away their Balenciaga high-tops and the discreet double Cs of Chanel jewelry, and they could almost be the cute college guy next to you at the coffee shop or on the train.

Except riding public transportation or casually dropping into a Starbucks stopped being an option for BTS a long time ago. In Seoul, their faces are plastered across makeup kiosks and street signs and the sides of buses — even on massive digital billboards that are bought and paid for by private citizens to acknowledge a beloved member’s birthday, or just because. In cities like São Paulo and Tokyo and Paris, fans camp out days in advance for concerts and public appearances, obsessively trading trivia and rumored sightings. When the band posted their takethis link opens in a new tab on Drake’s #InMyFeelingsChallenge, it became the most liked tweet of 2018; this summer, Mattel will release an official line of BTS dolls.

In the still center of this bizarre fame hurricane, the boys have managed to find a few pockets of normalcy. Jimin wistfully recalls a time in Chicago when they were able to slip out of their hotel rooms undetected “late at night, just to get some fresh air.” But most places, he admits, “that’s really out of the question” unless they split into smaller groups. “I mean, look at us,” RM adds with a laugh, running a hand through his own silver-nickel bangs. “Seven boys with dyed hair! It’s really too much.”

Instead, they focus on the things they can do, like sneaking out to the movies (“Always the latest or earliest show,” says RM, if they want to stay unseen), shopping online (V loves eBay, especially for clothes), going fishing, playing StarCraft at home. Group housing is actually common for K-pop stars, and BTS seem to appreciate the shared stability: “We’ve been living together for a while now, almost eight, nine years,” says Jimin. “So in the beginning we had a lot of arguments and conflicts. But we’ve reached the point where we can communicate wordlessly, basically just by watching each other and reading the expressions.”

Though they’re unfailingly polite and attentive in interviews, there’s a certain amount of contained chaos when they’re all together — a sort of tumbling-puppy cyclone of playful shoves, back slaps, and complicated handshakes — but also a surprising, endearing sweetness to the way they treat one another in quieter moments. When a question is posed to the group, they work hard to make sure each one of them is heard, and if someone is struggling to find a word, they’ll quickly reach out for a reassuring knee pat or side hug.

Even with the language barrier of speaking to an American reporter, though, their individual personalities quickly start to emerge: Asked to name their earliest pop memories, the answers land all over the map. “I loved Pussycat Dolls’ ‘Stickwitu,’ ’’ says J-Hope, the group’s most accomplished dancer, snapping his fingers and cooing the chorus. For RM, who started out in Seoul’s underground rap scene, it’s Eminem’s “Lose Yourself.” (“I think that’s, like, a life pick for so many people around the world,” he admits, “but I can’t forget when I first watched 8 Mile and heard the guitars. That was my turning point.”) For Jung Kook, who has released covers of Justin Bieber and Troye Sivan songs, it was Richard Marx’s deathless lite-FM ballad “Now and Forever.”

The soft-spoken Suga cites John Lennon’s “Imagine” as “the first song I fell in love with,” which feels like a fitting gateway to ask where BTS see themselves in the pantheon of musical heartthrobs that the Fab Four essentially invented. “Sometimes it feels really embarrassing when someone calls us a 21st-century Beatles or something like that,” RM concedes. “But if they want to call us a boy band, then we’re a boy band. If they want to call us a boy group, we’re a boy group. If they want to call us K-pop, then we’re cool with K-pop.”

Ah, K-pop. In South Korea, where the genre has become not just a prime cultural commodity but a multibillion-dollar export, the players, known as “idols,” go through rigorous Fame-style schooling in song and dance and media training that often goes on for years before they’re considered ready for the spotlight. And it’s paid off: Business has been booming since the early ’90s, with stars from Girls’ Generation to G-Dragoncrossing over to various markets across Asia, Europe, and the Americas. But while the sound has remained fairly consistent — a canny mix of club-ready beats, hyper-sweetened choruses, and the more urban inflections of Western hip-hop and R&B — it’s never before landed with the lightning-bolt impact of BTS.

Bang Si-Hyuk, the CEO and founder of Big Hit, began putting the band together in 2010, when all the members were in their tweens or teens: RM and Suga were coming up on the local rap scene; Jimin and J-Hope studied dance at performing-arts schools; V, who focused on singing early on, joined officially in 2013. Jin was an aspiring actor recruited off the street for his striking looks; Jung Kook, now the group’s main vocalist, joined while he was still in junior high.

Though fansites tend to lean on their extracurricular differences (Jung Kook is a Virgo who loves pizza! V collects ties and clenches his teeth in his sleep!), each member genuinely does hold a unique space in the group’s process, whether it’s leaning more toward production, lyrics, or the supersize hooks the songs rest on. “With seven members we have seven different tastes, of course,” says RM. “So when it comes to songwriting, it’s like a big competition.” Occasionally, adds J-Hope, “we’ll write a lyric and decide, ‘This sort of reflects me [more], who I am and my own color,’ so we’ll want to keep that for a solo song.”

Because Big Hit doesn’t restrict their right to funnel some ideas into side projects — and because the appetite for more BTS-sourced material online is seemingly unquenchable — members regularly release solo work through EPs, SoundCloud, and mixtapes. But the primary impact still comes through the official album releases, and the particularly weighty subjects those songs take on — a notable departure from the narrow, often strenuously upbeat topics other K-pop artists typically cover.

“I promised the members from the very beginning that BTS’ music must come from their own stories,” says Bang; their subsequent openness about their own struggles with depression, self-doubt, and the pressure to conform took them all the way to the U.N. last fall, where RM addressed the band’s Love Myself campaign and #ENDviolence youth partnership with UNICEF.

“They stand out,” says Japanese-American DJ and producer Steve Aoki, a top-selling global dance artist who has also collaborated with the band on several tracks. “And I’m not just talking about K-pop. They add so much of their personality to the music and into their stories and how they present themselves. And the world has fallen in love with them because they are showing that vulnerable side that everyone wants to see.”

It helps, too, that the group’s more pointed messages are often slipped into the sticky aural peanut butter of anthems like “No More Dream,” “Dope,” and “Am I Wrong.” But they always appreciate the chance, Suga says, to get “a little more raw, a little more open.” RM elaborates: “I think it’s an endless dilemma for every artist, how much we should be frank and honest. But we try to reveal ourselves as much as we can.”

Honesty has its limits, of course, when you’re the biggest band in the world. Asked to describe the new album, due April 12 (at press time, it had already hit over 2.5 million in preorders), members offer up cryptic but enthusiastic koans like “therapeutic” and “refreshing crispness.” To be fair, they can’t say much in part because the new album’s track list isn’t actually finalized yet — late decisions being a luxury of in-house production — though they do agree to play one song, a propulsive rap-heavy banger called “Intro: Persona.” (It was released as a teaser March 27; you can watch the video herethis link opens in a new tab.)

When it comes to more personal questions about the challenges of dating or the goals they might want to pursue post-BTS, they pivot so gracefully to evasive, nonspecific answers, you almost can’t help but be impressed; it’s like watching a diplomat ice-dance. They want you to know that they are incredibly grateful for the devotion of their fans, and so blessed to be exactly where they are; that they really don’t think in terms of five- or 10-year plans. But they turn reflective when the subject of American pop’s holy grail, the Hot 100 singles chart, is raised. They cracked the top 10 last year with “Fake Love” but have yet to reach a higher spot, largely because mainstream radio airplay—a huge component of Hot 100 domination—still eludes them Stateside.

“It will have to be a great song,” Suga acknowledges, “but also there’s a whole strategy that’s associated with getting all the way up. And then there has to be a measure of luck, obviously. So what’s important for us is just to make good music and good performances and have those elements come together.” Does a Spanish-language smash like 2017’s “Despacito” — which spent a record 16 weeks at No. 1 — make them more optimistic about their own odds? “You know, Latin pop has its own Grammys in America, and it’s quite different,” RM says thoughtfully. “I don’t want to compare, but I think it’s even harder as an Asian group. A Hot 100 and a Grammy nomination, these are our goals. But they’re just goals — we don’t want to change our identity or our genuineness to get the number one. Like if we sing suddenly in full English, and change all these other things, then that’s not BTS. We’ll do everything, we’ll try. But if we couldn’t get number one or number five, that’s okay.”

Aoki, for one, has faith they’ll get there. “I think it’s 100 percent possible that a song sung entirely in Korean could crack the top of the Hot 100. I firmly believe that, and I really firmly believe that BTS can be the group that can do that. It’s going to pave the way for a lot of other groups, which they’ve already been doing—and when that happens, we’re all gonna celebrate.”

Back at Big Hit, though, the band has more immediate work to do. RM offers a quick tour of his production room (each member has his own dedicated space on site). The door outside is guarded by a quirky assemblage of figurines by the renowned street artist Kaws, but inside feels, incongruously, like stepping into a tiny, luxurious Sundance lodge that also just happens to have a soundboard: There’s a beautiful coffee table made from a single piece of black walnut; Navajo-style rugs; tasteful art on the walls. RM talks easily about his admiration for producers like Zedd and the Neptunes (“Pharrell Williams and Chad Hugo were my true idols in 2006, 2007. Pharrell’s voice! It’s so sexy, how he sings”), and plays down his own skills (“As a beatmaker, Suga is way better than me. I don’t even know how to play the piano — I just do the chords like this,” he insists, miming keyboard Muppet hands).

Then it’s back to the dance studio, where they’ve changed into track pants and T-shirts to run through new steps with a choreographer. It starts with a rough triangle formation, and an elaborate hip-swivel-into-pelvic-thrust/crotch-grab combo that actually plays much more innocently than it sounds, mostly because they keep stopping to crack each other up. Soon, though, they drill down — repeating the moves until they seem crisp but easy, almost an afterthought. It feels like time to leave them; the boys wave happily, shouting out a rowdy chorus of goodbyes. Then they turn back to the mirror, and keep dancing.

#bangtan #jimin #jungkook #v #suga #jhope #jin #rm #o:interview #190328

[jutsei]

(ART NOT BY ME! Drawn, commissioned from, and uploaded with permission by @cheesecakewitch ! )

“I just kinda got really fed up with people telling me Elderbeak wasn’t real, plus doing all that work for a waking world that doesn’t care about me, I’ve got all I need right here, isn’t that right, Elderbeak?”

“Mrah! (Of course!)”

Context/Behind The Scenes: An OC concept that’s relatively new, I wanted to make an example of a Dream Mage, since I’ve only had Dream Nomads so far! Since Dream Mages are those with Dream Magic and the ability to affect the sleeping world far more than a regular dreamer, it felt like it’d be a fun concept, so I got into contact with my friend Celine... who happens to be a massive fan of Digimon, so I had the concept of a dreamer who had an Imaginary Friend to channel those vibes, in the end we decided to make her be an in-between of a Dream Mage and Nomad, not one or the other! We also decided on a D&D type theme since that’d be a lot of fun to play with in the character

The “Imaginary Friend’ ended up becoming it’s own recurring concept too, unlike Dream Creatures, which are 75% Emotion/Thoughts and 25% Imagination and made from 10-1,000,000 people’s thoughts...

Imaginary friends are more personal, made from 1-5 people’s creativity and imagination, and are far more grounded in reality and less abstract, they’re related to Dream Creatures, though!  Roughly 75% Imagination, 25% Emotion.

Like Dream Creatures, they have symbols upon them! But these are golden (never blue or red), and have symbols that are far more grounded in reality, in Elderbeak’s case, they resemble the dice Phlox so loved in her youth!

Phlox, formerly Philia, is a Dream Mage that has wandered from her home Dream Plane, borne of frustration at her waking world being cruel, constantly defying her attempts to branch out, and never giving her time to pursue her true interests, and on top of that, they keep insisting her very best friend Elderbeak isn’t real! They’re very real... just in the dream planes! For that end, she has begun an extended trip away from her body. Her avatar is based upon her concept for a character in a tabletop game she never quite got to play.

However, the mists of the dream realm are slowly beginning to warp and change her,  in particular, adding a tail and claws to her cloak and making it more like a cape! Should she abandon her waking body, she will fully become a dream nomad, and the draconic additions to her cloak may just become closer than she’d like...

Phlox’s dream avatar/self is specifically based off of what Philia wished to play in a Tabletop RPG that was never meant to be, specifically, she is a half-demoness Thief/Ranger with some gems embedded in her!

Elderbeak, however, is an Imaginary, a creature borne from Philia’s endless wonder and creativity towards a fantasy tabletop roleplaying game she read in her youth, constantly dreaming of playing it and going on an adventure. Due to her sheer lack of friends (And therefore no one to play the game with), Philia kept thinking about a creature with the traits of both an owl and a bear, and then, one day, was greeted by one in her dreams, who quickly became her friend and partner in her duties! The two became friends very quickly...

And every day, Elderbeak grew smarter, kinder, and cuter, until the two became inseparable. As time went on, Elderbeak began getting more draconic traits as Philia’s inspiration and muse soared, until they became a rather original creation! Gifted with the strength and endurance of a bear, the wisdom of an owl... and the sheer unmatched power of a dragon, if Phlox ever stumbles, Elderbeak is there to pick her right back up! While Elderbeak can talk, they prefer to speak in coos that only Phlox can understand!

Elderbeak is an Owlbear with the traits of a Gem Dragon mixed in together, so the technical term would be a Dragowlbear!

Synopsis: Dream Mages are those borne with a most particular ability, that of dream magic, a form of mana that only becomes nascent when the user falls asleep and enters the world of dreams, though they are charged with a most important task, their work is never acknowledged in the waking world, much to the dismay of some.

Philia, as she was known, was one of these dream mages, born to a family that was relatively well off, she was never left wanting for much... and yet, she never could quite make friends. For whatever reason, whenever she opened her mouth, she picked the wrong subject, said the wrong thing, made the wrong expression, wrong wrong wrong, she simply consistently failed to connect to people

And every day, she would return home in a frustrated mess, and retreat to the basement, for there was her source of comfort... books for playing an “Ar Pee Gee” with pen and paper from a time long before her birth, it was meant to be played with up to four people, with one “master” setting the scene... every day, Philia would come home and read every book hidden away in the basement, even asking her parents about the adventures they must’ve had before putting these Ar Pee Gees away! Their tales, as well as every book captivated her imagination, planting a deep desire to play it herself one day, and the fact her parents every so often got her new editions of the books she read certainly didn’t help either...

... And that deep seated fantasy certainly helped her when she learned that she had a sacred duty to protect a realm of sleep only deep sleepers could ever enter, for if balance were to shatter, the real world would suffer. Though she didn’t want to, Philia obliged... if only because it was the closest thing to the adventures she wished to partake in!

And yet, in the waking world, every attempt to connect or even discuss her fantasy game resulted in people mocking her or thinking that her interest in the game was “faked”, whatver that meant. And once more, she retreated to her second home of fantasies that were just out of reach. She wished with all her heart she’d have a friend to play it with... or at the least, something from the fantasy to experience herself... as her eyes turned to the book, she saw something and smiled... a strange creature, the head of an owl, the features of a bear... an owlbear! How could anyone not love something like that? Well... if Philia couldn’t have a real world friend, she’d just make one up!

Quickly thinking up the name “Elderbeak”, she would pretend to have the burly creature nearby her  to protect her and support her when she needed it. Even if she never got to play this game, she’d at least carry a part of it with her.

... And imagine her surprise that when one night, when falling into the realm of sleep, she was greeted by an owlbear that matched her exact  vision of Elderbeak, down to the pattern of feathers...! It introduced itself as Elderbeak, and knew instictively that they were her friend. Philia’s heart swelled, she finally made a friend... literally and figuratively, but Elderbeak was real, right there in front of her! Happily, she hugged her new friend, and began taking them with her on her adventures around the dream plane to protect it.

As the two worked to do their duties together, Philia’s imagination and passion for the “RPG” as it turned out continued to grow, why’d Elderbeak have to just be an owlbear? They could also be a dragon... and with Philia’s passion, Elderbeak too changed, becoming softer, warmer, and cuter (But no less dependable), and gaining traits and features as Philia continued brainstorming, eventually settling on an owlbear with the traits of a gem dragon..

To match her dear friend, Philia had certain traits of Elderbeak attached to her “Dream avatar” as a sign of affection! Since Elderbeak was from the fantasy game, Philia decided she would be too... she weaved an image of a kind but daring purple skinned demoness in her head, and that image became her own... it was the character she yearned to play, a half-demon adventurer named Phlox... and so, that would be Philia’s identity in the dreamplanes!

Years passed, and Philia continued (and failed) to get an adventure in the RPG going, each attempt thwarted be it by time issues, people losing interest, or again, simply thinking she was :faking” interest, and this constant neglect was causing a negative effect on her personality, making her more snippy to those who did show genuine interest, or were simply approaching her, how could she know if they were just pretending to be her friend just to betray her later?

She kept trying when there was genuine effort though... and she came close once, very very close... she begged the “Master’ to allow her to play her half-demon character Phlox with her pet Owlbear... and the Master would allow Phlox... but not the Owlbear. Philia didn’t take it well. She lashed out, yelling about how it wasn’t fair to her best friend, only for the Master to flatly say he wasn’t real.

Getting a black eye and a missing tooth for their troubles, the Master prohibited Philia from ever playing with his group. She did it again. She messed up a connection, and her unhealthy obsession with this “fantasy” as well as an imaginary friend... at age 14 was starting to give her teacher and parents some concern, there were talks of taking away the books, doing a “regiment” to break her dependence upon Elderbeak, Philia... didn’t take it well.

How dare they! How dare they insist Elderbeak wasn’t real! He was real, just not in a place they could see or reach, if she could show them, they’d believe her if she just could...

The stress very quickly became too much to bear as all manner of horrible outcomes stewed in Philia’s  head, why was the waking world so cruel, so banal, so horrible!? Nothing good ever happened there, and Elderbeak wasn’t there was much as she liked... Then... a thought occurred...

“I need a break from all this!”

Philia simply flopped onto her bed, closed her eyes, and decided to stay asleep for as long as possible. She was going to stay in the Dreamplanes for a week, no...a month... no, a year! A year away from all this stress would make her parents forget about all this nonsense, and she’d miss a year of school too, win win! ... She could probably also use a break from her Dream Mage duties!

So, packing up her imaginary things and hopping onto the back of Elderbeak... Ph-... Phlox left, her waking body falling into a comatose state as her dreamself went on an adventure through the dreamplanes, going from place to place, not worrying about any duties but the thrill of adventure.

... Though, lately, dream mist has been coalescing onto Phlox’s cloak, making it appear longer, get a tail, and even golden claws... somewhat concerning, but Phlox is assured it’s probably nothing

For now, she simply wants to be away from the horrific stress of the waking world, and if the dream realm truly appears to be better than the waking world...

...

Then she’ll just decide to never wake up again, plain and simple!

#shins other ocs #shins dream worlds #commissions ive gotten

[johnny-writes]

Long Bio: Marcos was born to a family of 5 persons, his parents and two brothers, him being the eldest. His father is a repair technician and his mother is a housewife; his middle brother is an aspiring soccer player and his younger brother is autistic, but with an interest in computers.

Please note this is his “standard verse”, which I’ll be using in my original novel. Due to not having the results I wanted when I made verses, I don’t do verses for my OCs, I prefer to consider them more like “actors”, fitting in a setting. Any backstory in said settings will be a derivative of their “standard verse” backstory.

Until he was 14, he belonged into a Christian cult. His parents joined one year before he was born, attracted by the promise of riches and because they still believed in God. The doctrine of the cult was standard, but they were aggressive in the way they demanded tithes and donations; they were a very restrictive cult, consumption of media was strictly regulated, televisions, videogames and holidays were forbidden, women couldn’t wear pants and men had to wear suits on Sunday.

The leader, Pr. Ed, was a charismatic man, bald and chubby, capable of making people feels things. He incentivized the members to make ‘sacrifices’ with their money. The sermons consisted of cut parts of the Bible (outside their contexts) with an appeal to give money so that God would bless you, when in reality he never believed in God, and use it only as a means to extort money from believers.

Marcos attracted Pr. Ed’s attention. When he was seven, he started to be invited to Pr. Ed’s house, and his parents became deacons of the cult; he was trained by Pr. Ed’s himself to become one of his successors. There, he learned of a different side to his mentor: he taught him little about God, and more about how to make himself presentable, charming and how to manipulate persons. Things like flirting, voice modulation, flattering were things he knew how to use. He didn’t really understand for what purpose behind that training, so he just went on. During his early school years, he used these techniques to have safe school years, he wasn’t the kind that attracted bullies, but people always went to him for help with the homework, he just saw them as people to indoctrinated in the ways of the cult. He was a model student, even if the other kids considered him a bit odd because he never talked about the latest cartoons.

But there was one problem: his younger autistic brother, Ulisses. To say Pr. Ed didn’t like Ulisses it was an understatement. Due to not understanding social cues, he was somehow immune to Pr. Ed’s manipulation. He was a piece that didn’t fit in his perfectly orderly puzzle. Research on autism wasn’t as advanced, but he tried to convince Marcos’s family that there was a demon that could be exorcized.

The exorcism session was heavily advertised amongst the members. Ulisses could swing between hours silent and seemingly unending tantrums at random and there was little his family could do (also the cult didn’t believe in psychology). Then, after one hour of heavy prayers, Pr. Ed stared at Ulisses and he just laughed. Unable to contain himself, he punched him, claiming he was a piece that didn’t fit. Joana, feeling the maternal instinct kicking in, punched Pr. Ed back and it created a huge fight inside the church.

That day, Marcos learned of Pr. Ed’s true face. The man who mentored him for so long was...kind of a dick to say the least. His family left the cult (it would take almost a year for the cult to fully dissolve). Not only him, but the entire family realized that they never had meaningful relationships with people outside the cult and, not only that, the relationships with people in the cult were superficial ones.

They decided to try a new church. They were well-received and Marcos had a revelation: he learned that watching television, playing videogames and eating easter eggs wasn’t a sin. It was liberating for all of them, that’s why they remained there. The days in school were awkward. His grades fell and people stopped to go to him; he still had to deal with the fact he’d been manipulating all his colleague for years and that neither him nor them were even aware of that (he never dealt with bullies because he could more or less charm them). With that, he became more of a shut-in, also due to the fact that he was experiencing television and videogames without a weight in his conscience for the first time.

He spent a lot of time in internet forums, discussing shows and looking for good links for new shows. One show that he especially liked was an old 80′s show that could be described as a combination of Transformers with He-Man, about a group of refugee robots that have to deal with a fantasy world that they didn’t fit. He loved writing pretentious essays and fanfics in English in the forums, with mixed reception. He became some sort of meme in the forum, and he made one friend, a girl that liked his posts.

He decided he could use her to review his writings before he could post, since he always received complaints about his English. She didn’t contribute much, but decided that she could help him, without interfering in his essays. Everything failed when she couldn’t even use a simple copy-paste. He could either leave the girl alone or try to help her. He remembered of one of Pr. Ed’s tactics and shuddered, but given how desperate she felt in her message, he decided to do it. She wrote “I can’t even follow your directions, I’m the worst student ever!” He wrote back “if you are the worst student, I’m the worst teacher”. She felt her spirit being lifted with that, because she had such a bad self-esteem and felt cared by him.

Marcos felt ashamed because he used something he learned from Pr. Ed. And it worked, not only she stopped crying, but she also quickly became a friend of him. He never brought it again, but made an effort to be an actual friend to her, listening to her woes and issues, her ideas no matter how foolish she thought them to be, always giving an encouraging word. Never before Marcos had that level of intimacy with someone. He surely could learn a lot about people, but never before someone opened their heart to him like that. So he opened his heart in return, telling her about the years in the cult and how everything looked so bleak at that moment.

For a good time in a while, Marcos felt he could trust someone. Leaving the cult made him emotionally stunned and he realized how he just didn’t have friends, he just had a lot allies in the cult, but few ‘friends’ and the ones that he roughly could consider ‘friends’ went their separate ways. Surely, he could trust his family because they were family, and his therapist and pastor, because it was their duty – but trusting the girl with the flower avatar was different, because she gained nothing by trusting him. She just wanted to trust him, and that challenged everything he thought.

He just wanted to spend more time with the girl. They went on to play different MMOs together, watch the same movies, listen the same songs. By that time, he realized he stopped paying attention to the girls surrounding him. He never had problems with girls: during the cult time, he captivated them, even if they thought he was the weird religious kid and, after the cult, he kept his distance – even if he wanted to date a girl, he felt too guilty that he wouldn’t be ‘genuine’ so he avoided them.

Then he started to joke that he was falling in love with her. At first it was laughable – they lived thousands of miles away, this was obligatorily a stupid idea. However, the more he laughed, the more it hurt him. The straw that broke the camel’s back happened one time when his father asked him to practice an innocent exercise: imagining himself in ten years. Since he was 19, in 10 years he would be 29 and it meant that he had to think about his future, like job and marriage. He saw himself working as a public servant in the state government, a common, safe dream. However, when he saw himself married, he joked to his father, “Ha, who would be stupid enough to marry me?” his father answered, “You have someone because my father also asked this when I met your mother and I made exactly the same face you’re doing now”. Checkmate.

Denial wasn’t going to last forever, so he tried to share with people smarter than him this. He commented with people whose word he could trust, in a professional way, and they said to do it, because at least he’d have a friend. A man should be truthful to himself, so he went forward with his plan. He told her that he was in love with a girl. She asked ‘who’. He replied ‘you’.

The chat went silent for a good ten minutes.

Then she returned saying that she felt the same way, she had the same hopes and dream, she really loved him. When he asked about her future, she answered that she wanted him to be part of her future, but she knew it wouldn’t be possible. They both laughed at that and decided that even if they never have the opportunity to upgrade their relationship, they could still remain friends until the end.

They realized that they didn’t even know each other’s true name. That day he learned her name was Rebecca.

Their feelings diminished after that day, when they realized their folly, but they didn’t disappear. They remained friends, so if they found other people, they would understand. But both of them nurtured a subtle, strong desire to stay with each other.

A desire that wouldn’t go unnoticed by certain entities...

#muse: marcos #bios

[josieswrk]

“Which of all my important nothings shall I tell you first?”

(Jane Austen)

I have everything and nothing to tell you at the same time. This morning I woke up highly anxious, but I took refuge in God. I asked Him to please be present in everything in my life - my mind, my relationships with people, my schedule. I asked Him to permeate these things with His goodness because I don’t have it in me to put goodness into these things. Since I listened to this week’s sermon on Jesus and the rich young ruler, who could not bring himself to give up his love for wealth in order to follow Jesus, I have been thinking a lot about how I am a slave to something at all times. There will always be things clamoring for my attention, things promising me security and salvation, things glittering and gold that addle my little seagull brain. 

My mom and I often tease my dad, saying that, when it comes to electrical cords, he’s like the Niffler from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. (The Niffler is the platypus-looking little guy who can’t resist shiny things and stuffs them into his magically expanding stomach pouch.) If my dad sees an unoccupied electrical cord (chargers, USB connectors, HDMI cables) in the house he has to take it and stash it away in his office. It’s like this weird instinctual, uncontrollable impulse he has. He can’t leave the electrical cords alone. But he doesn’t tell us when it happens, so often my mom and I find ourselves searching fruitlessly for phone chargers that we left lying around somewhere...

Anyway, I bring that up because I have a little Niffler brain too. Perhaps we all do, it’s just that our irresistible “shiny” item is different depending on who we are. It’s the treasure that ensnares Smaug the dragon in The Hobbit. It’s the ring that corrupts the power hungry hearts of men to do its bidding in The Lord of the Rings. In our hubris we think we are our own masters, but the truth is, we are weaker than we think. That is why I believe Boromir is one of the most important characters in The Lord of the Rings (but I can never take credit for this insight, a dear friend opened my eyes to this). My thoughts are probably best encapsulated by this meme I saw the other day:

It bothers me when people hate on characters for being “weak.” Like okay tough guy if I transported you into that universe I doubt that you would do any better. But more importantly, “weak” characters invite us to be more compassionate toward our own flaws and failures (things I know we all have!). Boromir is not there for you to shit on so that you can feel better about yourself. He’s an invitation for you to understand the parts of our hearts that make us lose our mind, even if for a moment, and make us feel justified in harming others. We’ve all been there - the space where deep down you know something’s not okay but in the moment you’re like “Nah, this is harmless!” or “I deserve this/I have a good reason for this!” (Also, Boromir is a reminder that even after moments of weakness, there are genuine pathways to redemption. He shows his true quality in the end when he sacrifices himself to save Merry & Pippin and expresses his fealty and love to Aragorn with his dying breath. Beautiful stuff, no? :’) )

I think, for me, my “shiny” thing is anything and everything. I want everything. I want to know everything (I used to borrow computer science textbooks from my friends because I was convinced I could teach it to myself). I want to connect with everyone (and at the same time I want to be home alone forever. Haha). I want it all. Time conflicts stress me out because I want both experiences. I want to have lunch with this person *and* attend this class at the same time. I want to binge watch this show *and* I also want to read this book. It’s why I watch multiple shows and read multiple books at the same time - I want it all. 

But since Monday, when I listened to the sermon, I have become more sensitive and aware of what’s asking for my attention. “Who is my master in this moment?” I ask myself. I’m not gonna lie, when I woke up this morning with anxiety, I really just wanted to stay in bed all day and watch shows. And honestly, some days in life, you gotta do that as self-care. But it has to be a choice. Like “You know what? I’ve been working really hard this week - I’m going to take the day off today and just stay in bed and watch shows.” But this morning it didn’t feel like that. It felt like the television was my master and if I watched TV in that moment it wouldn’t have been my choice. It would have been because I wanted to avoid or resolve the distress I was feeling in my heart. It would have been because I wanted the TV to take away my stress about my future and my worthiness. 

I knew I needed some extra help, so I played some praise music while I made myself coffee and breakfast. I sifted through some emails and wrote this post. 

I have zero control over *how* things happen, but I know what I want in life. I want to be a therapist by day and creative by night, with taking care of a family and many cups of coffee all mixed up in between. I want to pay the bills by helping people understand themselves more deeply and compassionately. I want to love on my family by supporting and inspiring them to be the best versions of themselves they can be. I want to love on myself by creating consistently. I need to fight for this. My writing partner once said that writing is the only place where you can truly be yourself. And by fighting to create space in your life to write, you are also fighting for the truest version of yourself. This is so, so true. Whenever I do get over myself and my fear of man and just create~ write, sing, whatever - I feel the joy of being exactly who God created me to be and not the version of myself I think other people want me to be. It’s really healing. 

I know I’m a late bloomer. I know I’ve been slow to mature in some areas. But every day I wake up and hold God’s hand and lean into wherever He is taking me - is one more day I move forward in His plans for me, whatever that looks like. 

  P.S. I wish I knew how to write (lol) *and* draw. My favorite creators are graphic novelists/cartoonists/illustrators like Gene Luen Yang (American Born Chinese, some Avatar comic books), Sarah Anderson/Sarah Scribbles (I *love* her new comic Fangs), Chanel Miller (this video made me cry today), Lisa Hanawalt (Bojack Horseman, Tuca & Bertie, and her own stuff... Plus she has THE CUTEST horse and dog), and of course a whole list of mangakas... but that is enough blogging for today. 

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 1 | Part. 1 “Can I Kick the Tomb?”- Kendall

Me before Day 1 of Hosts: “I really am excited to be back and playing my official last season of Tumblr Survivor (and ORG) ever.” *40 SEASONS LATER*

https://66.media.tumblr.com/9abe7e9a250f88588980b89fdbc5bd6f/tumblr_pj4lahOlsg1s34uqa_400.gifv

I’m back for another shot and I’m thrilled to see where this goes! It’s been three years since I last played an ORG so I can’t wait to see how much Tumblr Survivor has changed. And who knows, maybe I’ll be lucky this time around. The main thing I’m looking to accomplish this time around is that I have fun! I feel like I took my previous seasons way too seriously (what can I say, I’m competitive) and I feel like that clouded my judgement. I mean, I’d like to win too!! But I want to be able to enjoy myself and make friendships that last a long time outside of this game. Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I am currently at home as an unemployed college graduate. So, I feel like this is the perfect time for me to get back into the Tumblr Survivor community and get another shot at an ORG before my life gets busy again. In the past, ORGs have really conflicted with my work/life structure. That’s mainly why I said I’d never do orgs again, because I hated having internal mental breakdowns in public. I didn’t think I’d give it another go around, but now that I don’t have work/school to focus on. And since I have no idea how long this pandemic will last, might as well find ways to occupy my time through ORGs. I feel like I have done almost everything one can do on Tumblr Survivor… except win. Here is a quick summary of the games I played previously to help me reflect on what I can improve upon this time around. First time around, I was a mid-merge boot in Maluku after I was exposed for flipping on the fans and lost everyone’s trust. In Newfoundland, I was sapphire idoled out as an early merge boot for being in charge of the dominant alliance. In Ancient Greece, I was a 4th place robbed goddess after literally controlling the whole game and cut loose by my alliance right before FTC. And in Hosts, I flipped on my OG alliance after finding out people in the alliance wanted me out and got runner-up. So I hope that I can change things around this season and HOPEFULLY win (I’ll cry if I’m a pre-merge boot). My strategy going into this game is just to get to know people on a human level and allow them to think I’m someone who will follow commands/take orders. I don’t want to be the person deciding who goes home, but I want people to feel comfortable talking their every game move with me. Perception is key for this game, so if my allies think they can drag me to the end I’m going to let them think that. I’m hoping with that perception, I can be a subtle move maker this season. Almost as if no one sees me coming for them. I find that my fault in previous seasons is that I either put myself in the leadership role, or I’m too far in the bottom that I’m criticized for all decisions I make. I’m hoping that I have trust for those who are in the alliance within the alliance so that we can eventually overthrow whoever the person in charge is. For now, I just want to socialize and get to know people and hope that by increasing the social game the strategy will all fall into place. One thing that does scare me going into this season is possible pre-existing relationships. I’ve been out of Tumblr Survivor for the past three years and honestly have no idea what happened in previous seasons. I also don’t really keep up with anyone in the community either, so I’m going in with almost zero connections. This could be a good thing or a bad thing. The good thing is that it allows me to form genuine relationships with them, and I can ensure to my alliance that I’m 100% loyal to them going forward. Numbers are important, so if my tribe sees me as a number it would indicate. The bad thing is that if people know each other, then they could easily get me out if they choose to do so. Especially if they know my reputation as a “flipper” and think I won’t be trustworthy going into a merge/endgame. So I’m hoping that if I have a strong presence on night 1 that I can be included in the alliances and get my way into the majority. Because the last thing I’d want is to be Ethan Zohn’d out of the game. Waiting all this time just to be pre merge would be TRAGIC. Overall, I’ve grown over the past three years and I hope that I can reflect that onto this season. Since I last played an ORG, I came out to everyone through social media and I’ve been able to increase my self-confidence. Last time I played I just finished my freshmen year of college. Now, I’m graduating and going to attend graduate school to get my masters degree. I feel like I’ve grown and matured as a person, so I’m going into this season almost as a completely different person. There’s no holding myself back from anyone and I know that at the end of the day, I’m just here to have fun. So I’m ready for this big adventure that’s ahead of me, because I’m hoping to finish my last ORG (forreal) on a high note!

okay so the season hasn't even started yet and in a shock to nobody i'm already cracked out of my mind? i have fully been spiralling and researching who could possibly also be in the cast based on their avatars? i'm not gonna embarrass myself and put who i have predicted because whenever i put that in a confessional im always wrong without fail? anyway so thought i'd put what my plan is here SO when i completely do not follow this i can look back at myself for being a clown? BUT anyway this season coming back as a winner is very, very scary. it looks like i am going to be the only winner on my tribe, and one of only three winners in the entire game which is very very scary. also last season i was able to kind of operate from a position of being super underestimated? like nobody had eyes on me and that allowed me to get away with murder, and this season i need to play with a consistent awareness that people will... know what shenanigans i'm pulling and always will be tentative to let me play unrestricted. also i am so happy about being on the brawn tribe - that is SUCH a good landing spot for me. i would hate to be a winner put on a tribe for social ability (beauty), or strategic ability (brain)... it also means hopefully i could be in a tribe with less social people who are just challenge beasts, so as long as i am pulling my weight in challenges hopefully can wriggle my way in? the avatars on my tribe are real hard to place, two are not players i even recognise and from looking at the wiki - my only guess is someone called jake from generations is na'onka? just because he is also on the record page for immunity wins... so we will see? i'm just very very worried that i'm going to become alienated for being a former winner but i really. really hope that's not the case! in general... my aim is to just make jury, there are gonna be like no winners in this cast and there are going to be such eyes on me accordingly, so i need to play much more round by round, with a survival mentality? this season is gonna be a disaster for me but we will see how it goes NNNN.

I’m back… somehow! It’s kinda crazy how this is my sixth season of Tumblr Survivor (and my first TS game in like almost two years) but I was just wanting to play. I’ve done just about everything you can do in TS (leave premerge, participate in a Redemption Island duel, be a tribe swap captain, win individual immunity, have an idol, have a double vote, go home with an advantage, be the last person from your original tribe, leave in a rock draw, negate votes with an idol, and make it to the end)... except win, I haven’t quite been able to do that just yet! However, that is all gonna change in Akhmim and I’m sending that in stone. (watch me be a clown and leave first gfbndms). I don’t know, I just really want to prove myself as a capable player yknow? Ultimately, I’m here to look cute, chew bubblegum and kick ass. (‘:

Oh my god, synapses are firing all throughout my brain right now. I didn't prepare myself well enough for this season, but...I have friends here! LMAO! Jordan and Liam L are two people I know very well, I've seen Jakey around on FB, and I've spotted Ali on Discord! I'm hoping I can just integrate myself well enough cause there's a lot happening for me right now...

So I’m on Hathor which is the Beauty Tribe which… does not surprise me at all really? Not saying that I’m pretty or anything but I got 2 brain cells and suck at challenges so being a Beauty was my only option oop. That being said, looking at my Tumblr Survivor ~career~, I’ve only gotten 7 votes (only 5 that count) in the last 3 seasons that I played where I got 6th, 12th, and 2nd place SO that must mean I’m doing something right to be in people’s good graces? With that in mind, I want to be the Belle of the Ball and be the cutest beauty here so people wanna love me, protect me, and work with me <3

Jess, 6:51 PM Unfortunately, you have not entered the Tomb.. 6:52 PM Can I kick the Tomb? Alyssa, 6:52 PM you can 6:52 PM I kick the tomb Alyssa, 6:52 PM Unfortunately you have not entered the tomb

oh gorl. i cant believe it ladies and gays we're BACK BACK BACK AGAIN.... thanks coronavirus for completely putting my life on pause making me unemployed and able to have the time to do this again? No but on a serious note who in the hell would've guessed little old me coming back out HOPEFULLY one last time, and my mission this time is quite simple. WIN ALREADY BITCH. ITS ABOUT TIME, ITS ENOUGH, WE'RE TIRED. This will officially be my third time playing tumblr survivor, so lemme try and give yall a quick recap just so everyone knows a little bit about me. My very first time playing, I was an extremely young and naive 17 year old who was COMPLETELY tripping, yet it somehow worked for me and I made it to day 39 in og egypt. However, I didnt get a damn vote so that's when I first realized maybe I got some growing to do.... Fast forward to 2 years later, i was 19, moved out of my parents house, living on my own, so a little bit of character development on my own part, and it reflected in my game so much. I was learning from my mistakes and it got to a point where...i legitimately had a shot to win!! I was being smart and strategic, but, I made one mistake that cost me everything when I was so close, top 5, not too bad. 3 years later, and here we are. I'm still living on my own, im no longer that ugly ducking baby adam but now im slowly on my path to mother goose moment! im in a place in my life where im not only physically feeling myself, but I now know who I really am. With age comes wisdom and another chance at tumblr survivor!! Being this is my 3rd time I absolutely want to go all out. I want to WIN. Im so ready, especially on a season like this, brains vs. braun vs. beauty, one of my favorite twists especially because beauty just means so much to me. Not even in like a vain way honestly, like yeah i know im a bad bitch i know im a cutie physically but to me being a beauty is being able to really have a sense of CHARM about you and being able to get whatever you want with it Looking back at my games in tumblr survivor, and in life in general, i usually get my way with the help of my big mouth. I'm absolutely not the best in the challenges, and i might not always be the one who's able to come up with a big plan, but one thing about me thats for sure is im always one to find my way in the know somehow. In both my seasons I played with a very similar approach, first i assess my tribe and everyone in the game and see how workable i feel with people, and from there on i start building relationships. It's like gardening, you find the people you connect the most with, and build from there, and the ones i dont, i simply wont waste my time with and theyll be the ones i vote out, but ultimately as long as it aint me, then oop sorry to these people not me already writing a whole book and i havent even started talking about anyone but MYSELF YET DSFFHJKAFH.....im so sorry @hosts pls forgive me i warned yall i go on and on but ANYWHO ill try to wrap this up. Basically, im in love with my tribe right now, ive obviously talked to everyone and been having really good conversations with Augusto and Kendall. I really like them and could definitely see myself aligning with them. But aside from them I was honestly GAGGED AND GOOPED to see some familiar faces even on this TRIBE. AMIR is someone who i know from way back when in my tumblr candicestewart days when i was raising hell, we were mutuals but havent spoken since so years really, however in a game like this you can take the tiniest bit of association and use it as a groundwork for trust, so stay tuned for that...also AJ?????? me and him have spoken every now and then through various communities we fall into so thats another interesting dynamic, im not sure how anyone feels about me but im hoping they just like me enough not to be the first boot... Also im really glad there doesnt seem to be a lot of juggernaut type players here, my last season was challengers vs. champions so there was a LOT going on with 10 winners and 10 challenger, but speaking of that season i almost forgot to mention JAKE???? JAKE IS BACK TOO???? this.....could be really bad for me. For those who dont know, in cvc, me/jake/jessy had an iconic alliance because of our ~herstory together which stems back to us all being 14/15, and yeah i worked with them for as long as i could, but jake basically ran a cult on challengers vs champions which obviously i wasnt a target as long as i had them as shields by my side so we worked well together, until final 6 that is when i made my move and my vote was the reason jake went home. My whole season people kept saying adam just wants to sleep and play their game, when the truth was, im no dummy, i always knew id have to turn on them, it was just about waiting for the right moment and thats what i did, and if i could go back, id do it again! However, this is a completely new game so to me its a do over, i hope he doesnt have any baggage against me but i guess we'll just have to wait and see if we ever make it on the same tribe even, but i know he's just as good as me so i think we'll see each other again real soon.. this is my 3rd time playing, ive had a good cirie run but i do NOT want to be hvv'd cirie'd whatsoever. and thats kinda my fear coming back, I wanna be able to keep playing lowkey and having people underestimate me for as long as i possibly can, because guess what thats what works every time, these people are such fools they fall for it over and over again! they absolutely should beware of me because im here, and im in it, and i will absolutely lie cheat etc to just about anyone if it means getting me farther. ive got plenty of friends, im here for my virtual crown anywho. first book over with. i swear this was only so long because i was taking about myself too much, wont be as bad next time! well lemme not be delusional i do love talking about myself but xoxo thats it for now time to go back to having conversations and praying if we lose this challenge im not first boot

also getting to (hopefully) play with autumn again? the egyptian gods are good to me 

So I’m making my Day 1 confessional mainly so that I hit the 500-word requirement for the first challenge. Tumblr Survivor is different than when I last played 3 years ago. I hope I don’t come across as doing TOO MUCH but I’ve already started on the challenge and I’m trying to spend the first few days socializing and getting to know people. My goal is to have people come to me with alliances because it shows to me that they want to work with me. If I lay the foundation for the alliances, then I get the image that I’m running things. And I want other people to fill those shoes so that I can play an under the radar game. I feel like this is a group of people that I can stick with long term. I have a reputation for being a flipper, so I’m hoping that I can show to the Brains tribe that I plan to be loyal to these people long term in this game. But I also hope that I’m never put in a position where people want me to flip. Anyways, here’s my Day 1 analysis of my tribe: Trace – We played in Maluku together 6 years ago and I flipped on the fans the first tribal to vote him out. Granted, he got his revenge by making me the first boot of a versus side season, I hope he doesn’t try to seek vengeance now. So far I feel like we’re gonna be civil with one another. We talked about him and his boyfriend Matt, how he got a new dog just 3 days before quarantine, and how he recently moved to San Jose California. To me, it makes me think things are pretty civil between us. I could see Trace being a future leader of this tribe, so I hope that he goes about taking that role and makes the first move against people so I can work alongside him. Isaac – My history with Isaac is that I hosted Malaysia, and I feel like we’re on good terms. Which is nice because I don’t have to do the small talk with him and can just go right into the strategy. Sadly I don’t know him too well since he was voted out Day 6, but I felt bad that he was an early boot. The age difference between him and the other contestants played a role in it :/. But right now we’re hitting the ground running with things. We’re talking about my dog at the moment (which I intentionally changed my profile pic to her so that people would use it as conversation starters – we love strategic thinking!) Devon – I like Devon, but at the same time, I also see right through him. Devon’s trying to play a UTR game. I respect that, however, I’m trying to play a UTR game too. We had a brief call to solidify our allegiance to each other. He told me how he was loyal to Alyssa and Jess and they screwed him over big time during Guyana. So I’m seeing that he already has a plan to make sure that doesn’t happen. I want to keep him around because I could see the two of us being a dynamic duo going forward, similarly to Me/Matt in Maluku or Me/Andrew in Hosts. I need to make sure someone else calls the shots and brings me/devon in so we can plot against getting them out. Also, he’s really attractive and it saddens me that he’s straight so I now have to work on that. Autumn – a QUEEN!!! I love her! She’s iconic, she’s a legend, she’s never the same, she’s talented, she’s EVERYTHING! Considering that she’s one of 3 females on this cast, I hope that she and I can be the iconic male/female duo that I have every time I play. Similarly to Me/Maria in Maluku, Me/Lizard in Newfoundland, Me/Gerda in Ancient Greece, & Me/Jessy in Hosts. Right now we’re bonding over graduate school and the severity of the pandemic, so I hope that we can work together long term in the game because I love her. I also have to be careful with her because she’s won before. Duncan – I like Duncan so far too. We’ve played an org season together before I took my 3-year hiatus, but I don’t remember which one. And neither does he LOL. But so far we’ve just talked about psychology since we have a lot of respect for that field and how survivor is a huge social experiment. I’m hoping that he doesn’t see me as a major threat because of our intellectual talk. I like him so far, so hopefully, we can work together going forward. We’ve also talked about the types of dogs we both have and what we’ve been up to with our lives, which I like being able to get to know everyone. Bodhi – I messaged him saying “hi” and he ignored me, so I am comfortable with him being the first boot. However, I will need to have other people go and say they want him out so I can be like “cool let’s do it”. Maybe this will change tomorrow, we’ll see. But that’s where I’m at right now. Overall, I think I have a good fitting with the group. I don’t like that no one’s made an alliance chat yet, but I think my conversation with Devon confirms that I have allies going forward. Plus it's also Day 1, so no one wants to make that type of move yet. I’m hoping that by sticking with the social game for now that I can get people to like me and include me in alliances that they have. For now, I’m just gonna keep talking about my dog until that happens 😊

hey guys its me, again. I know i said I was done going on and on but now i have some tea! the tea is: IM PISSED. last time i played in challengers vs. champions i made it my prerogative to be the first one to find the hidden immunity idol, and so guess what for the last 4 1/2 hours ive been DECIPHERING and trying to figure out how to get it, first i spent 2 hours learning heiroglyphyics because my dumbass really thought it was hidden in plain sight right on our logo! until i realized it made no sense at all, but hey, good to know ill be able to find my way through an egyptian pyramid now if i ever need to! So i kept digging, a little deeper until i seen these little numbers on the blog under all the cast reveals, this was what told me i had just wasted my time with the heiroglyphs but that i was onto an actual lead now, so upon doing that, i was messaging both aj and amir discussing my theories with them because i figured if i didnt find it, i wouldnt mind them finding it....but i definitely just want it for myself first because cmon this is survivor and we havent even had any tribals yet, therefor sure ill let people THINK i trust them, but at the end of the day i only truly trust me, myself, and i. amir then helped me crack that the numbers on the blog actually spelled out the three gods names that our tribes are named after, so then about another hour goes by and i cant find NOTHING ive tried flipping the names, doing research into them, and got nowhere. until i realized, it was so simple, all i needed to do was look at MY tribes god, HATHOR, and then i took that name and coded it into numbers, which lead me to finding the idol trigger. Lemme tell yall how ecstatic I was to find it, it made all my work tonight completely worth it, or at least i thought until i tried entering the tomb and had to answer these questions to get in, and i got one wrong along the way..... I WAS SO CLOSEEEEEEEEEEE, THEN MY DUMBASS OVERTHOUGHT ONE OF THE EASIEST QUESTIONS AND BLEW IT. now i have to wait another 24 hours before trying again, which drives me crazy, i solved and cracked this puzzle within 4 hours, who's to say every other person on this tribe wont do the same? if someone finds it and gets it all right before i do, im gonna be so mad at myself but hey at least i tried, im gonna give myself kudos for figuring that shit out it was not easy!!! and i at least made what i would assume would be one of the first attempts at it, so anyone else who tries yall are copying me and trust you WILL hear from my lawyers!

i am not as upset to be back as i thought i would be! i don't hate the cast and theres only one person in the game that im not excited to see and ironically, its not jordan pines. I got stuck with a bunch of mayo boys at first but then you guys blessed me by bringing autumn into the tribe. THATS MY DAUGHTER AMERICA! i literally was the one to bring her into the community and never got to play with her, i think its crazy that after such a long hiatus from us both that the quarantine gifted me the chance to play with her. Hopefully i can last longer than 1 round to enjoy it lol. Also the boys aren't that bad! They're all really pleasant and enjoyable so far and i found out Trace used to live in STL so we're bonding on that! I'm hoping i can do well but ultimately I'm enjoying this tribe for what its worth but i just can't figure out what to do to go idol hunting haha.

To start, it’s important to acknowledge how good it feels to be back in TS. I wasn’t quite too sure what kind of cast to expect, considering most members from my original season, Guyana, would likely feel uneasy with me in the game. However, it looks like TJ is the only one from Guyana representing this season, which is great news for me. Even then, TJ and I got along great after the season ended, so he doesn’t worry me in the long run. My current tribe is clearly skilled in the social game, because everyone has been active beyond belief. Right now, I would describe my closest ally as Scott. He is a clear-cut threat, but has a lot more connections than I do and could be useful to me in the early stages of the game. We called for a bit last night, and continued to be around the bush about gameplay. However, if we ever lost a challenge, I feel like he’d run with whatever plan we come up with. In terms of my LEAST closest connection, I’d go with Bodhi. He’s a nice kid, but we just don’t relate and he can come across as arrogant at times. Scott has already mentioned him as a first boot, so I’ll likely stay clear of any game talk with Bodhi for the time being unless its pushed onto my lap. My biggest blessing/curse in this game will be the fact that I’ve played FAR less times than a majority of the players. Almost gives a ‘Russell Hantz’ vibe. Far less credibility entering a new season with experienced and well known players, but also means there is less material for them to know about when it comes to my game. As long as I don’t overplay my hand and let the game talk come to me, I could set myself up PERFECTLY on the Brains tribe. Autumn has been fairly quiet, but we talked a bit about television shows, which is great common ground to build on. It would be hard to classify her as a threat right now, but I wonder how much she has been talking to others. As for Isaac, he came in late to my DMs because of his work shift. We both work within food service, so it was nice to reflect on our work shifts and ask him about his interests. I think he’s capable of being someone worth working with, but no game talk has taken place between us. If we lose an upcoming challenge, I expect for that to change rather quickly. When it comes to Duncan, I’m not sure how to read him yet. He’s oddly active, and has likely been talking to everyone for an extensive period. I’d like to say I trust him, but I’m sure others feel a similar way. It will be difficult to pinpoint him as a threat to others, but we will see how things unfold based on the challenge trend. Finally, there was Trace. We held a steady conversation for a bit, but then he disappeared. Would likely make for an “inactive” boot if he doesn’t turn around his social game early, but things happen. Based on the number of times he has played already, it would be ideal to get rid of him within the first 3-5 rounds of the game.  

Here’s my cast assessment: Brains: Scott – This guy seems awesome. He seems smart, he seems well-spoken, he seems humble. I’m really excited to meet this guy down the line. Bodhi – All I know about him is he’s supposedly a crackhead and you should be careful around strategically… not sure how I’d fit in there. Trace – I like him! Funny, sassy, he and I totally need to meet! Devon – Fucking Slithers… Isaac – I’m hoping this isn’t the Isaac I fought with in a different game because this guy seems really funny and genuine. Duncan – What is he wearing? Autumn – She seems chill. I’d like to talk to her and get to know her some more. Beauties: Austin – He seems like a good southern boy, but I imagine there’s a diabolic side to him that the intro video doesn’t show. I’m gonna watch out for him. Adam – Another funny guy. He’s got a great personality and I could see making it far, but I also see him as someone that could get to self-involved and make a mistake down the line. Kendall – Ok, she’s cute and funny. Please let her be my new Lexi (and don’t let her be like Alyssa) Augusto – Seems like a good guy, but I’m not sure how our styles would mesh just based on his introduction Connor – Is this Zwooper Connor? Because like… hell yes!!! AJ – Not sure what to say here. Not much of an intro. But he seems interesting. Amir – I’m curious to see what this guy is like. I could see him being like someone I played with my first season which would be intriguing. Brawns: Dan – I’ve been hosted by Dan. I’ve played with Dan. I think he could be a great person to work with moving forward and I’m excited to reconnect with him. Liam M – He’s a funny guy from my interactions from him. He’s been quiet, but I’d imagine he’s not that quiet. TJ – Dumbass Liam L – I love Liam. We just finished another season together, so I could see us working well together Jakey – This guy is F-U-N-N-Y! I need him around. Jordan – Is this guy full of himself? Or like… how do you name a season after yourself? Ali – I like this guy. He’s going to be a social threat as a winner, so I’m gonna let him make himself a bigger threat.

okay so this is going to be my five hundred word confessional! My cast assessment is uploading so this is going to be a bit out of order but some updates. im now in an alliance with jordan and jake so life is GOOD. I love them both and they're both kinda chaotic and super fun which is super exciting! i also cracked the idol code with dennis yesterday in my host chat! my plan is to search again in three hours when i can, hopefully snag the idol and then tell my two lovelies so i can build trust. thats the goal anyway... in other news... trace from brain thinks he is SO slick. he edited his wiki to remove the fact that him and connor are friends like sir... the fact y'all hosted together is enough for people to be worried about you, you going all FBI level redacted is so stupid? it makes it look like MORE of a thing. anyway so if i can get my way one of connor or trace (or both im not picky) would go prejury... hehehehhe hmm wowie five hundred words is a lot more than i thought.... anyway so other thoughts lemme think... i think my game plan this season is something im going to stick to of gravitating towards the big personalities and threats. like i need cover as a winner with that said im very lucky that im probably the worst winner of the three? amir is literally one of the scariest ever and im terrified of him... and autumn i love her but she is more fun and strategic than me! like me landing on brawn is also great, because i'd rather be seen as brawny than strategic or social... god i really do not know how to fill up 500 words this is so tough not enough has happened yet hmmm... maybe i update my tribe thoughts... so Jake I LOVE, he is so much fun and i think we are gonna really really vibe... im excited hehehe. Jordan Pines is a legit legend, like he is gonna be SUCH a hoot i feel it... me jordan and jakey are literally gonna blow stuff up on this tribe and beyond im MANIFESTING it. others on my tribe... TJ is lovely! he talks so formally hehe its like our conversation is a script? like its human but its slightly rehearsed and weird its odd. British Liam I really like I really wanna stick with him but I am worried for him about being an easy vote? I wanna keep him safe tbh... then other Liam is ofc close to Jordan, which btw im SO glad jordan like addressed head on with me... im kinda fine with him sticking around now at this point... dan I love too! i think at this point my priorities are sticking with jake and jordan, while also protecting liam lovelis if he becomes a target because i really like him!! liam m first boot if jordan is fine with it, otherwise TJ...

I haven't done one of these yet and honestly, I am just gonna spill a little about my tribe? I like everyone a lot so far. I hope that we can win some challenges and stay safe for a while. I really like Ali, Jordan, and Jakey so far. But also, I know them from before this. Ali and I have never played together I don't think but we have always talked about wanting to. Jakey and I go waaaay back. He is actually from the same part of NY as me. We had a rocky relationship years ago but we have both come a really long way maturity wise. Then there is Mr. Jordan Pines. We always have good intentions and want to work with one another, but we always seem to start off on track, and then identify each other as threats and kill one another. He usually out places me so I want to keep an eye on him. As for the others, I'm really just trying to remain social, make those connections, but focus on the people that I know. I hate playing like that, but honestly, it might get me farther. As far as my strategy this game, I want to be super loyal to people. That's how I played my last game and it got me 2nd place. I know that I should be striving for first, but honestly second isn't too bad lmao. I think that what was missing from my last TS game was the glamour. The jury said they missed "big moves" and "idol plays". Well honey, let's do that then! I need to come up with a plan to incorporate those things into a strong social game. I just fear that I'll be damned if I do, and damned if I don't. My fear is that I will come up short with the moves and get second again, or I'll overplay and find myself gettin somewhere between 10th and 7th. I think a way I can get around this is not bringing all the people I trust into a big group. If i'm able to divide and conquer my allies, it will show loyalty, but also strategy. As far as the idols are concerned. Who the fuck knows. I can't get into this tomb, I can't figure anything out about it. I am searching high and low on the blog and pictures trying to find the key into the tomb. I have a feeling it is one of those things where you really need to put in some work to find it. Or it's one of those, it's under your nose the whole time and Jess, Alyssa, and Drew can't believe how stupid you all are. That is more likely the true answer to this haha. I have been asking Ali and Jordan about what they think, and they have basically "come up short" I don't know if that is really true or not, I know that they are really smart players. I think the key could also be in the posts as far as the hashtags. There are some really weird hashtags on some of the posts. Maybe it's a code or something? Lemme look into that.

Soooooo first day was super exciting bc my whole tribe is new ppl which I like bc it's always good to start in a fresh type game ya know. I'm on the beauty tribe werdily so I figure I'm the tai of the season . I also saw on one of the other tribes liam from my season is here so that could be a good or bad thing just have to cross that bridge if and when needed. First person I saw and talked to on my tribe is kendell and I really like her vibe . She seems super chill and I saw she played as a hero is a past season so could be a loyal player. Amiry I actually have seen before in a mini on discord. We didn't talk much but l dis vote him to win in the end so that could be good in my favor . Aj is really nice to seems to be a lil younger then but good to chat with so far. Adam is someone in the game that i have a few things in common with which is great bc connections is exactly what I need to make right now with a game full of new ppl .connor I'm not fully sure how i feel about him yet. He seems like he could be funny but he is always a lil short when we talk and I feel maybe he could be the person to go and i would be okay with it . Augusto is def the person I have probably been talking the most with so far . He seems like he could be my person in this game . I mean things change all the time but as of now that's how I'm feeling about him . I'm so nervous being back in tumblr survivor so soon after my first season in nighingale islands. I got 4th place and if anything I wanna do better now worse . Its alot to hold myself up to but i feel i can push my self more this game and do it . I'm hoping to try and play a lil different this time around . I wanna be bolder and try to do more with myself game wise . I want to play more strategic and not care even more to get my hands dirty. People in the past have called me cutthroat and a villain so why not be the best villain I can be . Finding a idol or advantage and getting a vote at ftc is the other goals I have for myself this season . I know its early but I have a great feeling about the beauty tribe and think we are gonna do great in this game together. Well that's about 500 for the challenge . Hopefully you'll get more confessionals from me in the game . Its gonna be a crazy season . May the tumblr survivor gods be with me in this crazy ass game . Peace out girl scouts . Have a great day . Goodbye all.  

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: BEAUTY TRIBE austin: hes boring but nice and that is okay, just be who u are adam: dangerous, mariah stans dont respect old people, animals or the dead. he scares me. hes real funny tho, kendall: she is so cute, she seems very hesitant to talk to me, but I want to work with her. Shes the only girl on our tribe so like shes not gonna be targetted by a bunch of twinks so its better to be with her than against her augusto: my fav so far, Relatable sweet idk i love him i hope he gives me a chance connor: white gay twink aj: i dont feel Cast Assessment : Winners Ali: my biggest threat in this game by far, kind, can be ruthless, underestimated, he’s gotta GO but I also have to work with him ?? Idk I want to work with him but I don’t think he will want to work with me so idk how I feel about that one yet. Autumn: she is extremely likable from this one intro vid alone...girl we in danger. Want to work with her for sure. 

I want to build a relationship with every member of my tribe, but I am afraid because that could make me a target when I’m already one. Today, I will talk to everyone but not about game at all, tmmrw I will select 1 or 2 people to really trust with game stuff. The goal is to be social but not the most social person on the tribe. I need to get at least 2 or 3 of these people to feel some kind of emotional attachment to me, so I’m gonna keep it strictly personal convos for tonight. I do usually get attached to people as well but this game, being back for the third time, I can’t hesitate to cut a single person. It’s clear some of the people on this tribe are wolves in sheep’s clothing, mainly Adam and Augusto who are lovable and sweet but careful with their words. They are level 3 thinkers (shoutout to jacob). Kendall, Aj, and Connor seem to be more like level 2 thinkers. Austin seems like a level 1 thinker so I have to work with him, those are the kind of allies I need. 

Adam gave the numbers the for this thing, but I told him to use a decoder to turn it into letters. I know I’m an asshole cuz he tried to help me and gave me the clues but I am not going to tell him how to find the tomb, simply because I want it, but I wouldn’t be shocked if he figured it out

Also Amir....

So on my tribe, Kendall has played with aj, Aj has played with Kendall and and Connor, and Connor has played with aj and augusto.Kendall and Aj were never on the same tribe, so that’s not a threat. Augusto and Connor both made it far together and didn’t vote each other out so that’s gotta be something to watch out for. Kendall seems super well connected in general, I think the move is to scoop up Austin and Adam and then take out on of the other 4 but if the 4 of Kendall/Aj/Connor/Augusto end up aligning, well, good luck Charlie! So basically my issue is that I don’t trust anyone. Like everyone on this tribe is either distant or a threat, and the thing is is I HAVE TO TRUST SOMEONE so like?? If I just keep my cards close and not talk game with anyone that’s just ensuring being on the outs, but I can’t choose weather to align with the social threats or the people who I barely know anything about because they don’t wanna talk to me much (Kendall Connor Austin aj) Meeee finks the move is to align with Augusto and Adam, they’re both obviously huge threats, but risks need to be taken so I’m going to work on establishing a game relationship with both of them, I trust Adam more than Augusto, and then we can maybe maybe pull in Austin ? Okay literally no one wants to talk to me i i i i, like no one on this tribe messaged me first except augusto, but hes very hesitant about any info in general. Kendall/austin/connor all do not seem to care to try and talk to me so only 2 things are possible, they have all aligned and are planning my downfall, or people r inactive for now but idk. IDK> i do not trust ANY OF THESE HOES ONE BIT, i have to find this fat ass idol tonight i must i must Im gonna get on a call with adam tonight and try and figure some shit out but homeboy literally told me that he took out jakey in an earlier season even tho it was bad for him jsut cuz it was cool to take out a high profile player like sis what in the actual FUCK AND HES THE ONLY ONE WHO SEEMS INTERESTED IN ALIGNING WITH ME LIKE EWKFNEWKFLEWFE i have no choice but to work with this basket case, GOD WE CANNOT LOSE IMMUNITY WE CANNOTTTTTT the people from the other tribes that I would like to work with the most would be jakey and duncan and bodhi. I really wanted to work with bodhi on cutthroat and I genuinely love duncan he is a sweet heart through and through. I wanna work with jakey because he is a massive threat and has bad blood with people who are in thi game. He can also be volatile and someone I can turn into a target ahead of me if it I required 

guess who just got an IDOL HEHEEHEHE. It's Pharaoh Thoth. It's Pharaoh Thoth. I must have said that literally six hundred times in my host chat, the fact that Thoth is a tribe name was legit staring me in the FACE i'm just stupid. and then i messed up on question 9 at 5AM yesterday so i had to stay up till 5am for a second day running which was soul crushing but.... i have an IDOL. I definitely did much more work this time, compared to last time where benj carried my lifeless corpse across the idol bridge only for me to get two separate idols. dennis definitely had to like defibrillate my brain cells into shape but im proud of the work i put in. having an idol is definitely super scary because the risk of going home with one in my pocket is super super high... but.... hopefully I can use this idol to cause havoc and shake some stuff up. it also covers me for a bad tribe swap which is a situation i really see happening this season for me... it just gives me some cover and some wiggle room! im really excited overall tho... ive already snatched myself up an idol and its only day two? ive got an alliance with my two favourites on the tribe, good connections fostering with all the others on my tribe and an idol... which by the way i'm calling dennis im so excited this season is gonna be hoot... also one more time for good measure ITS PHARAOH THOTH.

Alright! I'm so very excited to be back for Tumblr Survivor Brain vs Brawn vs Beauty! So far I'm really enjoying my tribe even though I was cast as a Brain??? What's up with that?? I'm just some hippie from the swamps of Tennessee who is decent at doing long division. So I guess I'll go through my tribe and talk about them individually: Autumn seems pretty cool, I know she is a gigantic social threat so she could maybe potentially be utilized as a shield but I like her! We've been talking a lot about food and the south but that is okay. Bodhi approached me Night One offering an alliance to which I was ecstatic to take him up on! Bodhi is a very very smart and cunning player, which makes me even happier to be working with him because I think as of right now he needs me to get off of this tribe. Duncan is a wildcard in my eyes. I haven't played with Duncan since Pacific Islands and we didn't get along if I recall correctly and I seem to be having trouble creating a dialogue with him? According to other sources that seems to be a consensus. Devon is really nice and I think that Scott thinks he's attractive but that's neither here nor there. I think this is the Devon who went by Slithers in Guyana and referred to Alyssa, Dani, and Jess as females at Final Tribal Council. He seems to be EXTREMELY straight (he said when he's not slinging 'rittos at Chipotle he's playing Call of Duty or watching sports) which is okay if straight people weren't my kiss of death in these games. Scott is a really fun one! He hosted me in Malaysia and always seemed to be a sweet guy and our talks together for the past few days have kinda proved that assumption? We've gotten to know each other pretty well and I think he's a cool dude. I really also didn't wanna be the one to tell him about Amanda Lynn but I was and he joined in on the jokes like a champion! I really think my relationship with Scott could be something that carries me at least to the first swap? Trace is an enigma to me. We have played Tumblr Survivor now 3 times together (he voted me out every time) and he hosted me in Manhattan Beach and I genuinely think in these first two days we have talked more than the rest of those combined? He is a masc for masc dreamboat though but he knows that. If I have to stroke his ego to get where I need to be I genuinely have no problem doing that. I have been trying my best to get in everyone's good graces and/or at least get a dialogue going with them and it seems to have been working? The suckiest part about this tribe at the moment is that there doesn't seem to be an obvious inactive or someone we can scapegoat but here's hoping we don't lose or we lose bad enough we can put it on someone who isn't me. 

i cant believe i learned a tik tok dance. i've never even downloaded tik tok before

this is a RANT confessional it's day 2 and im already so annoyed with this DUMB BITCH...and yes i am the dumb bitch in question WHAT ABOUT IT DAY 2 AND I GO TO THE TOMB AGAIN TRYING TO GET IN, AT THIS POINT IM POUNDING ON THOSE DOORS HARDER THAN ANY JEHOVAHS WITNESS YOUVE EVER SEEN LIKE LET ME IN PLEASE!!!!! and once again, i start off good on the questions, then BOOM i just flop out of no where. story of my life. like DAMN by the time i do get in there's going to be nothing left for me but a fucking stick. But its ok, last night you know what i got cocky and i honestly mightve blown it thinking i could find it myself, so i was forced to make a VERY risky move. im a FIRM believer in loose lips sink ships and thats always one of my biggest strategies when i play survivor is to use infomation and keep as much to myself as possible so i can play my game how EYE want and make MY moves as i see fit, however.....clearly that strategy has not WORKED for me seeing as ive lost twice, so im trying this new thing, its such a crazy concept it's called asking for fucking help ! this was really hard for me to do because of my whole tribe so far im gonna be honest i feel like i have a genuine bond building with AJ, Augusto, and Amir, but i dont want to go spilling the tea on the idol to everyone, the last thing i want is everyone else figuring out and trying to get it, granted, finding it probably wasnt that hard and im just a dumb bitch so someone else most likely ALREADY has it, however, if they dont.... i decided i wanted to make a move and tell AJ about it. Me and AJ have a past connection thats pretty good so basing it on that alone i decided to share my tea with him, and honestly i LOVE augusto and amir too, however.... these people are all silent killers, they wont be fooling me. even though i want to believe theyre on my side, im gonna need a vote before i start to put trust like that into them. So until them, im putting my eggs in AJ's basket and hoping he finds something and will trust me moving forward because of it, even if he already found it himself and didnt tell me, i at least made the effort to show him i want us to be in this together, so hopefully trusting and opening up a little bit more will finally improve my game but if not i am still hoping absolutely no one finds it so i can be greedy and try again, and probably flop again tomorrow. **BREAKING NEWS ALERT: aj has just informed me he DIDNT find it, which he could be lying but i dont think he is, but only another 24 hours will tell... 

I have not written a confessional in a day, why am I like this? Anyway, y’all are about to hear EVERYTHING! We all get onto the beach and the gag is that 3 winners join the game alongside us losers (;-;) but honestly, it isn’t too bad? Like genuinely, it’s cool that the winners get to return like yay for them! Not only that, but if people believe these winners to be a threat then that’s just a shield for me so I am not mad at that whatsoever! Looking at the cast this season… I see familiar faces and I’m not sure how to feel? I know Dan who is on the Brawn Tribe (Apis) and I adore Dan as a person. That being said, I had a lot to do with his boot in Seychelles and while we were working closely together, I had to get him out. My thing about games is that if it’s a new game, it’s a new slate. However, is he gonna feel the same way? Only time will tell. On the Brain Tribe (Thoth), I have played with Isaac, Trace, and Bodhi. My relationship with Isaac is inch resting because I think he’s amazing and he has actually hosted me before… but the only thing is that we voted for each other to go in Socotra so who knows how he feels about me in that way? Trace I know because of Socotra as well and we did click socially but we just never had much of a chance to play with one another so there isn’t much to say about that. Now Bodhi…. He is the person I am the closest to out of all these people and I do not know how that will affect this game? I was the only person to stick by his side during the first round of Socotra when he went home in a revote and in a way, this was good karma because I was the only Great Lakes representative still alive after Final 21. Now will he remember my loyalty and admiration for him if we are reunited in this game? Girl, I deadass have no idea and it could go anyway… which is scary like a yikes on bikes moment right there. The only person that I know on my tribe is Connor since we played in Socotra together. We weren’t TOO aligned but the round I left, him and I made an alliance with Samantha. However, this loyalty wasn’t tested much considering I got rocked out. However, a connection is a connection so pursuing that is something I am okay with. As far as my tribe goes, I really do like everyone! I am trying to be this super approachable person that people can laugh at and laugh with yknow? So I do hope it works in my favor in the long run because currently, everyone except AJ has expressed the fact that I am one of their favorite people to talk to on this tribe so yay for that!

Alright, so the first full day is over, we're nearing the end of the first challenge, and I think that I've positioned myself at least somewhat decently? I think I've learned from past seasons that the goal of this early stage is to make sure you're about right in the middle in terms of activity, socialness (which isn't a word, but everyone is going to know what I mean by it) and challenge performances. That way, nobody has reason to get rid of you before a tribe change(whether that's because people think you aren't going to be helpful in challenges moving forward or because you're too big of a threat and can't be allowed to make the next stage of the game) and will allow me to make some connections that will help me both now and later in the game. I think I'm implementing this well at the moment. I had a nice talk with both Dan and Jakey and I think both of them will look out for me early on, specifically for this first vote. Once that trust is established from voting, I think both of those will be very fruitful for me moving forward. Same with Ali and Liam L. Both of them have been talking to me a decent bit and I like the rapport that I'm creating with both of them, but these two are going to be HUGE threats this season, I can already tell. So I think it's best I get on their good sides and allow other people to catch on to the fact that these two are going to be people who need to go whenever you get the shot (specifically though when they stop benefiting me). This first challenge absolutely sucks! I always hate these stupid scavenger hunts and will be so glad when it's over. I think I've put in a decent amount of work that will show that I'm here and want to play, but we'll have to see after the challenge is revealed how my score is really going to stack up. I really don't want to go to tribal this first round, but I could see either Jordan or Liam M. being people who could be targeted for everyone else to not be the first boot if that's the case. I think Liam specifically hasn't spent as much time socializing and I think others hopefully know how large of a presence Jordan has (I've known him for two days and I figured this out). So like, it would make sense to take one of them out early, but I reiterate that I'm quite ok not going to tribal here and just being safe. Being back for my third time means that this truly needs to be the one where I can take home this win. I admittedly don't know if there will be a fourth shot for me. I think I'm nearing the end of my ORG playing as hard of a realization as that is for me, but I know that I'm not able to commit the same way I was when I was back in high school, so I need to make the most of this time out there. I made huge mistakes in my redemption season that still haunt me to this day, so hopefully I can fix those this time around, play a strong, strategically sound game, and maybe I can surprise myself this time around.

All right 500 word confessional coming up. Time to say my thoughts on this game so far and this is a good excuse to do it. Its been 65 seasons since i've done an all returnee season which is a crazy fact I won't shut up about even though drew hates it, and I’m feeling good so far on this brawn tribe. I already have an alliance with me Ali and Jakey, and strong bonds to Dan and Liam, that leaves Lovelis and TJ my new people I'm meeting and probably people i'd target if we lost just due to the fact I don’t really know them. Out of the two I’m probably having better early convos with TJ but I don’t think thats really indicative of anything as its just been 2 days and anything can still happen. Honestly this cast is kind of a mix and match of crazy throwbacks for me like y'all got me SCOTT, y'all got me KENDALL, like I am floored and I am so excited to play with some of these people. I think my strategy for the starting tribes is to try to chill a bit and not be the centre of attention if I can manage that. Ideally I just want some easy rounds where we mostly win immunity, but if I’m honest Im gonna want to go to at least one tribal before we swap, and i don’t want to go into a swap not knowing how people are actually planning on playing, I want a chance for everyones cards to be laid out early, and then I can better understand the playing field. Okay I'm running out of things to say and I still got like 200 words to go. Alright the tomb, FUCK THE TOMB, its crazy for me that theirs an idol system I just haven't auto figured out before anyone else, its very out of character. Especially that before this game started I found the legacy advantage and left the hosts shook, like they were actually speechless the game hadn't started yet and I already have a power that was a great moment. But the tomb has still alluded me. What I know is that their are numbers on the cast reveal posts and a weird in face in the picture but I cannot out two and two together to make this work. Im hoping everyone is struggling as much as I am because I don't want any powers on the table that I do not know about. I want ideally to know where everything is even if its not in my possesion. Knowledge is power and I want all the knowledge possible to give me the best upper hand. Im cautiously optimistic on this starting tribe that I don't think people will target me early, so I think all I got to do is just secure my relationships and make sure that when this game starts getting crazy, i got enough people feeding me info so I'm in control. WHEW 500 WORDS DONE!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CxQVVsZUxRnM6PtiAIKKX2ncbSa-2rOR/view?usp=sharing Look man I am exhausted if you want intensive strategy you have come to the wrong place

Truthfully, the biggest gag of this whole season is me being placed on the brain tribe. I obviously am brilliant, graduated from honors from a top university, etc. But like, my beauty is undeniable, no? God I hate that I wrote that but, I AM BACK! It feels good to be back on a season where like nobody seems that negative? Yet? It was really refreshing to see a couple of people that I already knew, but I honestly have a really good feeling about this brains tribe. I connected really well with everyone on the first day, and I feel like I already have a strong standing in the tribe just after a few hours. I also love that this tribe is only 7 people and not like 12 because I can actually connect with people on a closer level. That being said, another great thing about this cast is that I also have a good amount of friends on the other tribes. Connor is here. I love that for me, but I am going to have to be very strategic about how I use that friendship if our paths ever do cross because I am not going to let it get in the way of me being strategic and making moves that actually make sense for my game in the long run, not just to appease my friend. A similar thing could be said for Dan D, but he is also just like a scary good player and he’s engaged now too so I have to really work on that friendship. I am feeling somewhat good about this challenge. I have taken the time to really try and do as many of the things as I can, and all I can hope is that my tribemates do the same. I am a little nervous about some people’s scores… Autumn. We have less than 12 hours to go and she still hasn’t started. But I am hoping that some of the scores of the more active people will carry us to a win. It would be cute if I could avoid tribal for a bit, but I know I won’t be able to. Also, Isaac being here is funny. Immediately he came to me and was like, “god I hope you aren’t going to vote me out this time, AGAIN.” And I obviously would really love to work with the kid but clearly our history is a bit rocky. So my plan is just to be kind and kind of act like it didn’t happen in hopes that he too will do the same and we can actually work together as friends this time. In closing, I appreciate the opportunity to be brought back, and I really hope that I do not let any of my fans down! I am going to keep socializing, using my social skills to create lasting bonds that will hopefully save me for a couple of tribals. We will see what happens as the season progresses but for now, please wish me luck!

Okay! I am awake! I can make a functional confessional maybe! So first hour of the game I made an alliance with Austin because I have no impulse control and hey thought it would be swell. I then made an alliance 30 minutes later with Augusto and I probably would have made more alliances if Augusto didn't say "Kendall plz wait like a day," So I did wait a day... and then made 2 more alliances 24 hours later. In my defense it wasn't my turn with The Beauty Tribe's communal brain cell and it's been 7 decades since my last game. Anyway I think it worked out because now we have a power alliance and we are Bringing Sexy Back! ... Literally that is the name of our alliance. Bringing Sexy Back. I came up with it and it's like a double meaning because 1. We Sexy and 2. We back. We do not have backs though... there was a tragic accident. Anyway the Core 4 is Me, Augusto, Connor, and Amir. And we keep saying shit like final 4 final 4 but I have to determine the weakest link before it hits me in the face. I don't trust Connor which is why it's important we work together, because I have a feeling he's going to cause damage either way and it will be safer if he thinks I trust him. He has played with Augusto and has a high opinion of him, so that duo is something I am somewhat worried about. I don't know why I don't trust him, it's not a matter of dislike, if anything he's one of my favorite people to talk to on the tribe it's just there is something calculating about him. Like he's sizing us all up. Augusto and I get along pretty well. He keeps saying shit like "Queen" and "We are meant for each other" and other weird but nice things. We both live in Utah so that's pretty lit. I'd like to work with him but I'm also wary of flattery. He seems to be pretty social with the other two as well, like I mentioned before he and Connor were once on the same season together and Amir mentioned that he's the person he talks to the most. It makes me a bit suspicious as to where his loyalties lie which is sort of dumb because he's like legally allowed to talk to people but I don't want him to be their number ones. It would be inconvenient. Amir is... a mess. A likable mess but a mess. He literally told me he has been waiting for someone to ask for an alliance and that he talks the most to Augusto. He wears his thoughts on his sleeves. He seems a bit nervous to be back, like we'd perceive him as some sort of threat because he was an extra player so to speak.... I don't not yet anyway but it's probably for the best I don't say that out loud. We talked about having a spare fifth and I put Austin on the table because 1. it would be nice to have control of a spare. 2. To keep my promise to him to work together. Sadly I wasn't all that subtle about it so... probably sketched the others out even if it was only a little bit. There 400 words plus other more words. Suck it and See bitches! And by bitches I mean hosts and I guess who ever else reads this.

Ok so I have full confidence that I can reach 500 words because I talk too much as it is so here we go hahaha. My tribe is taking this challenge super seriously and while I obviously stan and enjoy having a very active and engaged tribe, I need them to have lower expectations cause your girl is on her period and she just wants to nap. This whole “everyone needs to get 100 points” energy is not a message I can actually endorse. I am content with a smooth 50 points so if I get more than that great but I don’t need the pressure. I respect everyone’s right to go hard but I would like to not do that. Like it’s a Monday my guy- if that’s how you want to spend it by all means but this is not the only org I’m in and it’s definitely not the only thing I have to do today. I desperately need to do laundry but like changing the sheets on my bed and going to two Zoom meetings has me BEAT. Like I’d call it a day to be honest IF it weren’t for my damn tribe and their push to 100 points per person. All I know if I reach that goal, y’all better not say a damn thing to me because I really tried. I not only look like garbage but I feel like garbage yet I’m out here taking videos and drawing on my face and looking up a damn TikTok dance even though the whole world knows it by now and I’m like why? Why am I doing all this? Is it really to keep white men happy? Does this arbitrary goal mean anything in the end? Do we really NEED 700 points and can we negotiate that number down a little bit? I’m just saying Like obviously I want us to win but no I don't want to spend all day doing this against my will. Y’all need to be happy with whatever I give you and VERY hot take: if I don’t get 100 points then what. What y’all gone do about it- fight me? I do not own Crocs, VHS tapes, anything Egyptian, anything Survivor related, anything rainbow, or a banana and I don’t feel bad about it. There, I said it. I own what I own and I ain’t breaking quarantine for anything so hear me when I say: y’all will get whatever I give you. I want to EAT today but no I gotta get to making all these random videos so I can rack up points, some of which would make for quality blackmail but we won’t get into that. I’m doing this honestly for all the iconic female players who aren’t playing. I can’t make them look bad by being first fucking boot in a season that only has two women playing out of 21 people so I will just suffer through the pain. It’s not like I don’t have the numbers to stay anyway so there’s that. This is all really a formality, if you will. I’m not going anywhere- low score, high score, it really doesn’t matter but that’s just between us girls.

Okay! I am awake! I can make a functional confessional maybe! So first hour of the game I made an alliance with Austin because I have no impulse control and hey thought it would be swell. I then made an alliance 30 minutes later with Augusto and I probably would have made more alliances if Augusto didn't say "Kendall plz wait like a day," So I did wait a day... and then made 2 more alliances 24 hours later. In my defense it wasn't my turn with The Beauty Tribe's communal brain cell and it's been 7 decades since my last game. Anyway I think it worked out because now we have a power alliance and we are Bringing Sexy Back! ... Literally that is the name of our alliance. Bringing Sexy Back. I came up with it and it's like a double meaning because 1. We Sexy and 2. We back. We do not have backs though... there was a tragic accident. Anyway the Core 4 is Me, Augusto, Connor, and Amir. And we keep saying shit like final 4 final 4 but I have to determine the weakest link before it hits me in the face. I don't trust Connor which is why it's important we work together, because I have a feeling he's going to cause damage either way and it will be safer if he thinks I trust him. He has played with Augusto and has a high opinion of him, so that duo is something I am somewhat worried about. I don't know why I don't trust him, it's not a matter of dislike, if anything he's one of my favorite people to talk to on the tribe it's just there is something calculating about him. Like he's sizing us all up. Augusto and I get along pretty well. He keeps saying shit like "Queen" and "We are meant for each other" and other weird but nice things. We both live in Utah so that's pretty lit. I'd like to work with him but I'm also wary of flattery. He seems to be pretty social with the other two as well, like I mentioned before he and Connor were once on the same season together and Amir mentioned that he's the person he talks to the most. It makes me a bit suspicious as to where his loyalties lie which is sort of dumb because he's like legally allowed to talk to people but I don't want him to be their number ones. It would be inconvenient. Amir is... a mess. A likable mess but a mess. He literally told me he has been waiting for someone to ask for an alliance and that he talks the most to Augusto. He wears his thoughts on his sleeves. He seems a bit nervous to be back, like we'd perceive him as some sort of threat because he was an extra player so to speak.... I don't not yet anyway but it's probably for the best I don't say that out loud. We talked about having a spare fifth and I put Austin on the table because 1. it would be nice to have control of a spare. 2. To keep my promise to him to work together. Sadly I wasn't all that subtle about it so... probably sketched the others out even if it was only a little bit. There 400 words plus other more words. Suck it and See bitches! And by bitches I mean hosts and I guess who ever else reads this.

wow, is it great to back! initially, i was pretty nervous entering this game because i honestly just didn't know what to expect. however, i feel as though i'm sort of picking up where i left off a few years ago in terms of adaptability. i was placed on the beauty tribe, and immediately there were a ton of familiar faces that i could connect with. those being adam, amir, and kendall. i would consider connor one too but we were never that acquainted when we played idlm together, i'm pretty sure i even voted him out. as with any game, it's all about breaking the ice in those starting days by striking up conversation with other people on your tribe and seeing what they're all about. with my aforementioned connections, i felt as though it was pretty easy slipping into conversation with them and just catching each other up on how life's been since we last met. with adam, that wasn't really the case since we still frequently see each other but nonetheless! augusto has left a HUGE impression on me in the best way possible. i adore literally every aspect of him and it feels like and i could be pretty good friends. austin is very sweet and we have similar interests, but i'd love to continue getting to know him to form a more solid relationship with him. overall, i feel as though the tribe dynamic works pretty well. everyone is likable and of course, while it's expected for the beauty tribe, it'll be tough in the event (knock on wood) we ever go to tribal! but i'm always geared up and ready to go girl so i guess i can take on anything. our first challenge is the scavenger hunt, and while i lowkey loathe it, this one was actually pretty fun! hopefully we win it because we seem to be pulling out all the stops for this. one of the tasks had required us ALL to be on call and honestly i feel as though that really brought us even more together as a tribe. it was an instant kii with everyone as we sat around sharing interesting experiences and memories. going into actual game discussion, adam is EAGER to play. like EAGER. he's so excited and his mind has been racing since i've touched base with him. as soon as we were introduced to the tomb, his cracked ass starting spiraling. he was NOT gonna stop until he figured out how to get into this tomb! initially, he thought the hieroglyphics on the logo were of importance but he then noticed that the tags on the cast reveal had interesting numbers that corresponding to our tribe name. we ultimately put these numbers into the blog and were let inside the tomb. HOWEVER, we have to fight to even see what's inside of it! we have to answer 10(?) questions i believe relative to egypt, and i got about 7 of them right and stumped on one, halting my progress until the 24 hours are up and i can go again. out of an act of selfishness, i do want this idol all for myself so hopefully adam doesn't get there before me, though i wouldn't mind it as right now i consider him my final two? but we have WAYS to go so who knows if that even holds up.

I guess i need to do one of these anyway!!! I wish i could do a video but i will suffer for the greater good as always!!! The cast this season is very interesting!!! I dont know a lot of people which is a plus but there’s a few haters in the game i hope aren’t coming after me as much as I’m coming after them LOL. Adam, Kendall, and Trace sorry boos your time is limited! I will never trust these players. On my tribe we have a masc straight energy with Liam, Lovelis, TJ, and Dan and some more feminine energy in myself, jordan, and ali. The fems have decided to join a group to stay together and hopefully we can get someone to vote with us if we have to go to tribal council. For right now I trust both of these players, but moreso Jordan. We’re not entirely sure if we can trust Ali. The temple stumped a lot of us and I haven’t heard much about anyone finding it. EXCEPT ME BITCH. I found that shit last night and I was so hype then jumped the gun on the third question and flopped. But I’m reallyyyyy hoping no one else has it, though I fully suspect someone else to have found it. I’m not going to tell a soul because I want it for myself and I’m worried word would get out that I found it and people would suspect I have an idol, even if I don’t. I don’t want to lose at allll. I’m putting my all into this challenge and praying we come out on top. If we get another clue, whatever, just don’t send me to the hell place. TJ is a cool dude and I enjoyed my conversation with him the first night. We vibe together even if he is a straight male and I am gay as a fedora. I like our pairing and I don’t find him to be a sneaky player so I’d love to develop our partnership further so we can be a powerful force in the game. I would feel good knowing I have someone outside my alliance watching my back as well. Right now, it’s hard to get a read of the tribe. Everyone’s kinda quiet, besides ali and jordan, and I don’t know if it’s because they’re already against me or just hard to warm up to. I guess time will tell but can that time be later? My plan right now is to just continue being myself because I think people like me on this tribe for the most part. I’m not going to over-socialize or play too hard cause the way this tribe is going, saying one wrong thing could make you stand out. I’m trying to hide in the shadows and play the cute role for as long as possible before I smile in their face and slit their throats :~) Also I may have planted some doubt into Jordan’s ear about Liam! Because Liam said to me he can’t do the tik tok dance bc of his foot disease that flares up sometimes. Note, this tik tok had no feet movement and could virtually be done in a chair. So I just let Jordan know what Liam told me and immediately Jordan was irritated. I didn’t intentionally mean to throw Liam under the bus, but the bus came quickly. 

So i meant it when i said that i truly like everyone in my tribe. I love the fact that trace is the first person I’ve ever played with that live(d) where i do. I’ve never met anyone from saint louis before and to be able to talk about the gay bars and the local colleges and areas is nice. I’ve seen his name way back when around the community. I think that it’s amazing, the casting this season so props to all you host. Bodhi is someone else who I’ve seen around plenty, but we’ve never had the pleasure to meet each other and he’s someone that I think is very intriguing. I know he’s a strong social player when it comes to brass tacks though so im a little nervous seeming him in the game. Isaac is someone who I’ve played with a handful times and it’s just weird? We have never targeted each other in the games we play but also have never actively worked together in a game. We usually just coexist and ended up on different sides because we had different friend circles in games past. Now if we go to tribal in this first round, then ideally one of those few people will go. Like I said I like everyone, but I need to make sure to play an active role this time, not so passive like last time. Autumn and I got an alliance together. Also, if I haven’t already praised the tumblr survivor gods that I get to play with m daughter, let me re-iterate that I am so ecstatic! Now I’m not going to put all my eggs in her basket, but I hope my connection with her can carry me through the first couple rounds of the game at least. We got an alliance together consisting of myself, herself, devon and scott. In my opinion, the key to a successful alliance is good communication and loyalty. I also want to work with people I have a genuine interest in. I think Scott is so adorable, and I can’t tell if it’s a façade or not but I’m getting along very well with him. Perhaps its just his strong social game kicking in. Regardless he’s someone that I like and is charismatic and optimistic, that’s the type of person I need on my side moving forward. He’ll be great for group morale and maybe he can snoop information out of others moving forward. As for Devon, he says he’s a very loyal player and he is from Guyana. I see him as someone that will hopefully be super loyal and perhaps even a bit naïve moving forward. I don’t know what I want my relationship with Autumn to be with like in this game. She could be my number one, but for anyone that knows us its possible we get targeted like natalie and Jeremy which I don’t want to happen. I really like our tribe and hope we can stay together as long as possible. What I want from this game is to play a strong game and still be liked by all my peers and of course try to win. My first time in the first quarter of seasons, I was brand new as fuck, fresh out the survivor pussy. I didn’t have any confidence or social skills and got booted first. My second season in the 2nd quarter, Lazio, was not a horrible game to play. The cast was trash though and not a well respected season. It was a weird twisted season, i didn’t like anybody on that season and went out in early jury, although I did make single digits. Last time I played was in the third quarter of ts seasons, playing in Bermuda. I played bc I wanted one last hurrah before taking a hiatus and I don’t mind playing in seasons hosted by Chris Stoner. It was revealed to be a 30 person and I wanted to quit after seeing that lol. I was a weak player on strong tribes during the first half of the game, and the few times I went to tribal I had enough relationships with people that I made it to the 15 person f*cking merge. Because I ghosted the first half of the game I wasn’t viewed as a threat but also wasn’t respected by players. I want to be respected for the game that I play this time whether it brings me to final tribal council or winds me up as the first boot. I came here to prove that I have the chops and can do it. I haven’t been voted out of a game in 2.5 years so if I do get eventually booted its going to sting hard lol. I hope to eventually see people like Dan and Ali get voted out before a swap hits but I bet ts gods will swap me onto a tribe with them both lol. Its just going to be awkward if I have to play with them. I’m willing to if I have to, but I def would prefer to just avoid the awkwardness if possible. In contrast I’m hoping people like Amir and Kendall perform well on their tribes because if possible, I already know I like them personally and would love to work with them later on in the game. I just thought about what I can rant on about for a 100 words. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THIS IDOL SEARCH!?!? IS IT LIKE ONLY OPEN FOR CERTAIN PARTS OF THE DAY? I LOOKED ALL AROUND THE BLOG AND CLICKING EVERY LINK I COULD FIND HOPING TO MAYBE RUN INTO THE IDOL HUNT. NO ONE HAS TOLD ME THE SECRET YET! IS IT ONLY OPEN ONCE A ROUND BETWEEN RESULTS AND TRIBAL? Oof I don’t want to lose. Losing to one tribe isn’t bad because its mutually exclusive, first and last. We don’t have to win 1st place, however we need to make sure we don’t come last. Getting first boot would suck eggs and I would end up getting a lower placement than my first time. Idk if anyone has gotten first boot twice, but I don’t want that distinction. 

okay so my tribe is picking it UP in the end of this challenge, my king jakey suddenly has a full sheet which we love to see. in other news... im not feeling TJ's energy, he is kinda fishing about Montenegro and referencing that I won in a kinda threatening way? and i think he thinks he is being super discrete?! but he... is not. its just making me uncomfortable, like i am already really insecure as a player about being a winner and being seen as one, and i dont like what he is doing. also wanna preface this with the fact that he asked about montenegro in a super complimentary way so this is 100% an overreaction JKASDF im not trying to hide that im a winner (im not trace trying to FBI redact the wiki) but i don't like it being brought up in that kinda threatening/fishing way. like when jake talked to me (even tho he was vague too) about me being a winner, he said he thinks me, Jordan and jakey are the high profile people on the tribe (even tho i think i only am because im a winner, im a one time player and not super connected), which at least grouped us together and was in a discussion about working with that? so yeah... i think at this point i wanna stick with Jake/Jordan first and foremost, then Lovelis, then Dan... then Liam M/TJ are bottom of the totem pole for me, but particularly TJ that man can go soon... (also this is really gonna be a mo situation where tj said literally one thing and i dont trust him KJLASDF)

Wooooo cast assessments except I never watch anyone's intro videos so it's more like a cast reaction lmao

https://youtu.be/K3rfK-Cf-GQ

everytime tj starts typing my heart rate elevates by about 600bpm. literally how can someone be so complimentary and yet so terrifying simultaneously i'm nauseous also just as a side note he is probably being super nice and im just being demonic but we will see kjasdfa

okay so if this doesn't demonstrate im insane, im not sure what will. i take it back about TJ, i think he is actually nice JLKSADFAD. i think his way of relating to me was talking about past games and honestly thats kinda sweet i think i just read into things too much. maybe i do like TJ and want him to stick around NNN. maybe she's born with it, maybe its genuine insanity. but yeah TJ if you are reading this sorry for being the rudest ever over a compliment nnnn

I’m so sad that we lost because I don’t want to see any of these people go home and I don’t want to be first boot! lol. I’m also pissed now because I spent so much time doing stuff for nothing >.> it’s the game though, so we’ll keep trudging along i suppose. I don’t want to go home so let’s see what happens 

#BackWithVengeance

[rtf393q-latina]

Journal 5

This week I played Mystic Messenger, a Korean mobile visual novel game, released in 2016. I gather that a more literal translation of the Korean title might be “mysterious messenger,” which make sense because the premise of the game is that you download an app, which you don’t know much about, but which jumpstarts this narrative journey full of its own mysteries. Thus far, there have been no mystic elements to the story; photos the characters send have an urban contemporary feel, with recognizable markers of the everyday like public transit, ear buds, or ketchup bottles. Gameplay consists of selecting responses as you participate in the app’s chatrooms, get messages, emails, and phone calls from the characters in the game world, synchronized to your time zone, as if it were happening in real time. The most extensively used element is the chatroom, and a note on its aesthetic because it’s exceptional: in addition to drab bubble text, characters might send an animated emote, chibi image of themselves; they can briefly shake the screen with an angry face that blips in and out as an overlay of the chatroom; they also sometimes send their text in a bubble shaped expressively as a cat or a fluffy cloud, as if written on a cute stationary sticky note; finally, they will also send photos. In addition to the phone calls (recorded in Korean, but with English text to translate on screen), these emotive speech acts go a long way in both making the characters come to life and just in general making it fun and engaging to follow along. In the previous visual novel I played, clicking through text as it endlessly populated at the bottom of my screen in a uniform font would get tedious.

Interesting visualizations in the chatroom. (source)

The narrative and gameplay has three levels. The first, most openly marketed level, is the romantic simulation: there are 6 characters and you can play through to gain the love of one of them. The second level is that you and the 6 romanceable characters are part of an organization that is organizing a big charity party; to get a good ending, you must convince at least 10 guests, whose contact info you collect over time from the romanceable characters, to attend through choosing the right three replies to the potential guests’ emails. The third level is that you are slowly figuring out what happened: the person who had your organizing job before has died or at least disappeared under mysterious circumstances and the way you join the organization is also rather mysterious. So, on the third level, I assume you solve these mysteries. Before I realized the game would not save in the middle of the introductory segment, I ended up accidentally restarting the game 3 times. To keep from being bored, I really tested the different choice routes and got a bad ending right off the bat, thereby discovering that the person who adds me to the charity organization is a malicious-seeming hacker (and if I refuse to follow his instructions he threatens to end me or enslave me and the game ends—very dramatic—I expect more of this as this level of the story unfolds).

Main game screen, demonstrating the different mechanics. (source)

A word on the monetization. 3 romance routes are available from the get go; 2 you need to pay 80 hourglasses for; and for the last one you have to pay 300 hourglasses (there are also some additional dlc-s and one more romance route since the release, which all have an hourglass cost as far as I can tell, in the ~100 range). A guide I read claimed that by playing through each romance route in order, you win enough hourglasses to play the next tiers. This seems reasonable: you can pay money to play exactly the romance route you want right away, or you can invest your time to eventually get there. The other major application of the game’s hourglass currency is that you can pay 30 to unlock all of the chatrooms for one day; therefore, you are able to override the game’s scheduled gameplay and play them all at once or go back to ones you missed because you were not available to play when they opened up. Unlike the other visual novel I played, here money feels like a luxury rather than a necessity; I may be missing the 1am and 3am chatrooms, but I get a brief overview of the main points the characters discussed without me (I just miss sending replies and winning photos and their favor from giving the correct replies). Furthermore, every few hours I earn a randomized bonus and I’m slowly but steadily gaining hourglasses, making me feel like eventually I’ll be able to unlock things while still being free to play. Overall, the monetization feels less predatory as compared to the other visual novels I’ve played so far.

Main monetizated interactions. (source 1, source 2)

Initially, Mystic Messenger does not seem like the best game to discuss with this week’s readings. Rehak argues that “our extension through various media is predicated on the body as root metaphor” and “the body becomes an inescapable aspect of fantasized experience” (21). And in fact, the readings have to do with identifying with an on-screen body. In Mystic Messenger I do not have a game body because the game is in first person perspective. I can however pick a little picture to represent me in the app, much like in regular messenger and email apps. I will elaborate on this aspect in more depth.

The game offers 5 pictures to represent you, or you can upload your own. 4 of the pictures match visually in design with the romanceable characters, and the last is more stylistically exaggerated: an anthropomorphized unicorn with a giant head and enormous eyes. The other 4 only differ in hair color and hair style; 3 have luminescent pale skin and 1 has vaguely tan skin. Overall, I think these 4 pictures are conventionally attractive—light skin, young, thin. As Shaw notes, we can understand some of the creators’ intentions through analyzing the available images. Much like in Martey and Consalvo’s analysis of Second Life, light skin is normalized though these avatar choices. In picking these beautiful characters, players would be gravitating toward beauty like the Second Life players. The game does offer some counter choices, with the tanned character, the comical unicorn, and the choose your own options. I wonder if these singular alternatives only work to emphasize how they stray from the norm and highlight the normality of the 3 light skinned characters.

In order of the game, the first 4 avatars. (source)

To understand why people choose the avatars they do and whether they identify with them, Shaw argues we must use ethnographic methods, so I will try to breakdown my own choices and compare them to the relationships between players and avatars of Mystic Messenger found online. I was not concerned with the questions Martey and Consalvo tackle because I did not expect my choice in this single-player game to affect me functionally or socially. The unicorn suggested that the characters would not take the avatar as a representation of me, which set aside questions of social narrative and whether I would want to embrace or resist the group dynamics of the characters. These questions would not be influenced by my dress.

The unicorn avatar. (source)

I first lingered over the unicorn and considered the chose your option (until I remembered I blocked the app from accessing my photos and cameras; I tend to deny permissions unless I know how the app is explicitly using these things). The reason I moved away from more conventional characters I think has to do with my relationship to femininity. My preferred expression of female-ness tends toward the androgynous end of things and I mostly dislike overt markers of femininity, like pink, flowers, makeup, nail polish, jewelry, skirts, and long hair. Interestingly, I do not find the counter of these things any less feminine because I have a pretty firmly feminine self-conception, I just find things like big baggy pants and short hair have a much more interesting potential for femininity to explore for me personally. Given my relationship to femininity, I often find like Shaw notes that “texts meant to hail us as audience members can if fact distance us from them" (77). Mystic Messenger is in the otome genre of games targeted to women and the avatars reflect conventional femininity. This whole genre of games has initially alienated me because I do not get much from conventional femininity and I would have kept on not playing them were I not interested in why people like them for this class.

In the end I skipped over the unicorn because its long flowing hair and long eyelashes were too feminine for me. I briefly considered the darker skinned character with the shaggy hair because I felt her skin color and less polished hair style suited me better, but I felt reluctant to claim the darkest available skin color. In the end I landed on the blonde with short hair because her hair style looked like mine. Crucially, what I was so obsessed with was not that the character represents my body, but that the character represents my values related to femininity. The blonde was an imperfect choice for my goals, but I treated her from then on as just a picture because one needed to be there to represent me. I did not identify with her or imagine her as a character in the game; she might as well have been a bunny rabbit, in the words of Shaw’s test subjects. But, though the on-screen “body” did not matter to me, much like Shaw concludes about her subjects, the not mattering was a result of not having something that might matter. If there were a character design that I found genuinely cool, would I have identified with her and would it have improved the gameplay? I don’t think my avatar being a placeholder for me makes the game less enjoyable, and that much is supported in Shaw’s findings as well; nevertheless, finding a cool female character, something I feel passionate about because so many representations have been inadequate for me, would have been really special. 

Example of a player-uploaded image as an avatar. Could certainly be the actual player, but interestingly, looks like perhaps it is a Kpop star to me. Is this an idealized self? (source)

Screen grabs of Mystic Messenger online reveal that some people definitely put up a photo of themselves into the game. Ultimately I decided I do not like this because then you don’t match the aesthetic of the game and it doesn’t feel like you are a part of the game world. Although I could’ve put up an image that did represent all the things I wanted it to, it would’ve broken unity with the game for me.

I’ve also encountered fanart of the romanceable characters with a specific avatar from the initial 5 options, suggesting to me that some players do get attached to a specific image as a character and/or as a self-representation. I searched online if there was an “What your Mystic Messenger avatar says about you” article, and I did not find one, but I can see the choice being something that unites people in a common understanding/vision about the game. People like to choose identifiers, from clothing to objects and avatars. They like taking personality quizzes.

Fanart of Jumin, the game character, his cat Elizabeth III, and “Red MC” the avatar (source)

This brings me to back to a discussion of Rehak. Although he is interested in the difference between a camera-body and a game-body, he does elaborate on how the camera in both movies and games hails the viewer, giving them “a sense of literal presence, and a newly participatory role” (19). Although my physical presence in the game is very limited, the camera-like function of making the game like just another messenger app on my phone, fusing the game world with my real world through the phone interface, having the characters address me constantly, hails me as a participant in the game. Seeing them react to my responses is pleasurable and I can recognize myself as a bodily participant in the game. (They also constantly ask if I’ve eaten, or if I’m sleeping, showing concern for and calling into being my physical existence.) At the same time, the reflection is never perfect and never will be, especially for games like this where your response is a selection out of two or three options. But there’s something fun about that failure to match. The potential of my physical self existing differently is evoked. (There are some overlaps here with Munoz’s disidentification as discussed in the Shaw.) As Rehak describes it, “"players derive pleasure from avatarial instability. On the most basic level, avatars enable players to think through questions of agency and existence, exploring in fantasy form aspects of their own materiality" (21). More succinctly, my non-self in the game allows me to "toy with subjectivity, play with being" (21) in a way that is harder in real life. Moreover, going beyond the acknowledgment from Shaw that players can enjoy roleplaying their avatars rather than identifying with them, Rehak’s statement prompts me to consider the fun of the physical experience of my body as part of the game. Yes, there are many moments that remind me that the game is imaginary and allow me to play with my identity because I can be someone else in the game; however, there are also interesting, fleeting moments that hail me as a material being that are very interesting. For Rehak clearly these moments can happen both in the third person and in the first person. In the third person seeing your avatar die and recognizing it as an extension of the body may have an effect. It’s also interesting though, how the first person can play more directly with that visceral-ity. It’s something I want to explore more later.

As a final tidbit: reminding me of our discussion about the goose, people sure got a big kick out of imagining the unicorn as an animal character in the game world. Perhaps the real work that remains to be done on avatars and identification is what we do with animals (and furrys).

(Source 1 2 3)

[hannah375blog-blog]

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[chuckbhai]

Heimlich

If I can confess to myself the truth to me as I see it today and have willfully ignored in recent times. it would be something approximating the following. I believe that I am capable of great things, I understand the capacity I possess by the will of God. It is this fact that has made me innately optimistic about everything that I do. 

Since my time has been in memorial I have envisioned the most vividly explicit avatars of myself and at times fulfilled something of that potential and at other times superseded even what I thought possible. 

Yet as I look back today the story that has unraveled thus far has been far short of anything I thought it would be. The only culprit being my attitude. Yes there have been setbacks beyond my control however, assuming full responsibility everything would be further in the direction my heart yearns to reap from today were I an incrementally better architect of my own destiny. 

The point I am making right now seeks not to emphasise the unfulfilled potentials of times gone by but rather to focus in on the problem. I do believe sincerely in moments such as these, when life has cut me down by bearing the consequences of all my actions at once that it is screaming at me to get it together. It is only in the strongest sense of complacency that I find myself clutching at thin air. That as I emerge victorious from a trial I immediately rest on my laurels and leave my affairs to themselves as if my fate consisted of merely winding the spring on a watch movement and having the rest fall into place autonomously, yet as obvious as it is right now it was not quite as apparent to me that the energy itself will run out and require a rewinding. 

The story of 2018 as I see it playing back, is by far the most interesting one in my life thus far. Certainly the most educational, it feels as if the lessons taught to me in year gone by could be a pool to draw from for the rest of my days. I began sluggishly after flourishing the year before in almost every respect, thinking I had everything I could possibly need to walk it through. It was the year I began a new experience, in uncovering and engaging with another soul in a way I had never done before (and yet still assumed it would be require less effort and expertise than it did) unfortunately with the same attitude. It seems I have learnt so much, so very many useful things however none like the lesson I have learnt since my final and most unforgettable failure. The source of all my woes. 

The key lie in myself, my actions, my intentions, my attitude, my discipline and the sense of what it takes to achieve that which I seek. I have failed in achieving every single goal I have set out to achieve this year in every facet of my life and it is for one thing I can ignore no longer. I have actively chosen to be lazy, entitled and self-serving. I have sacrificed every goal for this year in order to serve momentary impulses and comforts. I began with noble goals, still to be fulfilled, a clean heart and  pure intentions and yet chose to lead myself down a path that denied me all of these things. It saddens me today to sit here and write this more than anything has saddened my in my entire life. I accept where I am for I have not a soul to blame, but it hurts so so deeply. 

The place I find myself wandering through at this point in my life is one of profound darkness and solitude, one that isolates me from those who I love and one that pushes me further down and away from those I admire most sincerely. it is a place that I wish never to return to and by the will of God I promise that I shall never return to it again. The setbacks in my own timeline and the potential demise of my most honest and sincere romance feeding into one another in a seemingly amplifying feedback loop. It is the vision of hell on earth that I had always feared but never entertained, and now I am forced to live it out. 

The faintest bit of anything to firm that I latch upon right now is the potential that this time brings me. To reset myself genuinely and meaningfully and reset the clocks, to reassert myself as the navigator and to propel myself out of this darkness. It is only in my attempts to rise above the agony and the tearing that I may be enlightened by the wisdom that lie herein and I would be most dishonest to  myself and insult all that I believe I am to do anything less. I am still faithful to the targets I have set, but perhaps it is only right now that I may begin to understand what it means to truly believe in them, to believe that I am able to carry out hat is necessary and genuinely sacrifice for that which is worthwhile and not merely to ask and wait for it to be delivered. 

I owe an apology to the wide-eyed child for my failure as it stands right now, I owe him an apology for the wait, I owe a ransom for the disappointment of my untapped reserves to all those who chose to place their hopes in me, I owe my darling an apology not for my claims, but for my stagnation in doing anything meaningful toward them. It is almost as if I have not failed, it may be far worse. It may be the case that I do not know the the limits of what is possible for I have not truly dared to explore them in all my wretched heel-dragging. It may be that I could surpass again even what I understand is possible but I sincerely do not know right now. More than anything it is genuinely imperative for me to bear this burden nobly and answer these questions. Sincere failure seems a paradise away from where I am today.