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kyaa-q · 6 months

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A Train Wreck (part 1)

Lee Know x fem!reader warnings: fluff but heavy angst and themes of abusive relationships wc: 8k>. AO3 link :) synopsis: Your life has changed a lot throughout the past 6 months, since you started dating Jun. Events lead you to slowly distance yourself from some of the people you loved the most - Stray kids. Even your friendship with Bang Chan, your closest friend, was damaged after that day. Now, you find your life to be like an unstoppable train wreck hurtling toward disaster. You're gradually losing the bonds that had always kept you sane, for a serie of events that turned your world upside down. It feels inevitable: you will crash. Could someone help you avoid the collision? Could someone take the wheel with you, and help you get control over your life again? You don't know anymore. There's only one thing you do know: you are not welcomed and Lee Know, in particular, might hate you. And his opinion about you hurts more than you wanted it to.

Or: Y/N is in an abusive relationship and ends up distancing herself from her friends (Stray Kids). She thinks everybody hates her, especially Lee Know. She doesn't understand the effect he has on her (and vice-versa).

important a/n: This work deals a lot with topics of toxic/abusive relationship. There is no physical violence, but it does show cases of emotional manipulation and the potential impacts it can have over someone. The reader is in a toxic romantic relationship (I'm sorry to all Jun's out there), and the story is basically about how it affect not only the reader herself, but also the people around her who she held dear to her heart. It does contain a lot of self-doubt, anxiety, depressive thoughts and having your world reshaped by someone else, taking down important pillars to someone's life, finally facing what it means to have been deceived and accepting it (eventually). Having said all that, if you think this is a sensitive topic to you, please proceed with caution (if you choose to do so). I suck at tagging, but I hope this note made things a little clearer. In the end, it's supposed to be a way of comforting and healing - which will come, eventually -, especially with the help of someone else. I'm not sure how long this will be, but there's still a long way to go. Also, I use "Lee Know" and "Lee Minho" interchangeably, depends on the feeling. A final note is that this chapter has a lot of flashbacks of the past, so the timelines might be confusing to some, but hopefully it is clear enough and I can convey the message and feeling I aimed for. Lots of love, everybody!

You just finished ordering when your phone rings. Your stomach drops and you catch yourself being scared that it might be your partner, Jun. It hasn’t been an hour since the fight you two had over the phone, and if you were being completely honest, you can’t even recall the exact reason for the argument. What you do recall, though, is the aggressive silence, followed by yelling, aggressive silence again, a very passive-aggressive monologue about how you simply can’t understand. Why are you making things so difficult?, a quiet rage when you tried to speak, finally ending with Jun hanging up on you. In that order, specifically.

You force yourself to analyze the conversation. You remember calmly asking him where he had been the past few days. The overreaction you got threw you off. After days of complete silence from his end, could anyone actually blame you for genuinely being intrigued? Did that mean you were you a control freak? That you did you not trust him? That had never crossed your mind, for God’s sake! You only wanted to know! It was insane what he accused you of, for simply wondering whether he was busy or something similar. Suddenly trying to justify your question as coming from a place of sadness, not control, felt like a weakness. It didn't matter nonetheless, since he had hung up so abruptly. A mix of shame and guilt engulfed you, with a hint of anger that you very consciously denied.

Before you knew it, you were outside walking without direction, just desperate to unwind your mind. You hoped the fresh spring breeze healing powers would be enough. So, you walked and walked and walked, crossing streets and taking turns mindlessly. Or so you thought. You cursed your feet when you, at last, realized where they had dragged you, spotting the JYP-Entertainment building at one corner. A few buildings away, you remind yourself, your favorite coffee shop still stood. You actively deceived yourself, claiming that that is the place your feet had been leading you all along and resuming a much more determined march. It was the craving for coffee that had brought you here, you told yourself, and not the fear of running into any of the boys.

“Ma’am?” The cashier, a boy that probably is still in school, brings you back from your daze. He has a painfully obvious worried look on his face. Do I look on the outside as shitty as I feel in the inside? The phone stops ringing and you blink, hoping your mask is good enough to pull off a relaxed demeanor.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” You reach into your bag and aim for your wallet, doing your best to ignore the pity on that young boy’s eyes. Shame swirls inside your chest and you’re scared you might start crying in front of this poor kid.

You hand him the money and allow your eyes to wander around for a moment. The mechanical sounds the cash register makes are relaxing, and you take in the place you so dearly liked. You aren’t alone in the shop — in fact, it is quite busy for a Thursday afternoon. It is better this way, you think. The sensation of merging with the crowd and disappearing is welcoming. The boy hands over your change, and your phone starts ringing again.

The color of your face must have disappeared, by the look of the cashier’s face. “Can I do anything to-“

“Keep the change.” You smile once more, cutting him off. You turn around before he can finish his sentence and head to the farthest table you can spot. On your way, you wonder whether you look as pathetic on the outside as you feel on the inside. Without realizing it, you made a decision. The decision of avoiding Jun as if it could make anything better — as if it could even change anything by any means. You hated yourself for being scared, afraid of something you can’t exactly name. It couldn't be Jun. Why would it be? Apart from the occasional raised voice, he has never done anything to you. It's just a phone call, you tell yourself. If it goes downhill you can simply hang up, just like he did to you before. As simple as that. By the time you reach your seat, you're determined. This is foolish, you swear under your breath. Still, you hesitate to take the ringing phone out of your pocket — but end up doing it anyway.

The word Chris glowing on the screen feels like a cozy blanket being wrapped around your cold body. You must have audibly exhaled, perhaps muttered some thanks — whether to a higher being or to Chan himself, you're not sure — because you notice a few people turning their heads toward you . It’s okay, everybody! Everything is fine now!, you want to say. You clear your throat before answering it.

“Hey there.” Hopefully you don't sound so gloomy. You put in a double effort to sound as cheery as possible. Perhaps, if Chan believes you’re okay, you might as well just be.

“What’s wrong?” Straight to the point, you wince by the dry, clearly worried tone. Tough start.

You know Chan and the way he worries extensively about everything and everyone — not enough about himself, some would argue, but you'd slightly disagree. It’s simply part of his nature, you’ve learned. As much as you admired deeply his instinct to help, you did not want to be the object of such attention at that moment. He is a great friend – fuck, he is the best friend. In normal instances, you wouldn't hesitate before sharing your mind and soul with him. Right now, however, worrying him also meant being faced with too many questions, none of which you wanted to answer — perhaps not even knew the answer to. Not only that, you were also vaguely aware about the upcoming Stray Kids comeback in less than two months. Having witnessed the boys go through times like this firsthand before, the last thing you wanted was to add your name to the list of “Things That Keep Bang Chan Up At Night”. In reality, you knew he couldn't do anything about your situation regardless. Therefore, you conclude, worrying him would simply be counterproductive.

“Ouch. Not even a hello?” You play it off, fidgeting with your bag’s strap. You know you can't fool Chan. You shake your head to ward off the thoughts.

“Hello. What is wrong, Y/N?” He insists and you shift nervously in your chair. Your eyes travel to the cashier, who is talking to the barista, a boy as young as him, keeping them both in your line of sight. “Why didn’t you pick up the first time?” Chan questions.

“Is it that weird for me to not pick up immediately?” You joke quietly. You know Chan is not buying your act. “Actually. I think I should be the one asking you. Why do you sound so urgent? What is going on?” You deflect, but Chan doesn’t take the bait. He takes a deep breath, audibly through the speaker, and you feel bad for making things difficult for him — you really do. But you know it’s the best option. You will sort all the awkwardness in the future, hoping it won't be too late for it to have settled and stained your friendship irreversibly. You want to fill the silence, but your tongue feels heavy in your mouth.

Is it really the best option? What would be worse — telling Chan and burdening him with your own confusing problems, at least having him know what’s wrong, or avoiding talking about it? Certainly, he will sense that something is wrong, but at least he won’t feel bad for not helping if he doesn’t know exactly what’s going on.

But where to start?

Chris exhales audibly once more. “Nothing. I’m sorry.” He wants to insist, you can tell, but you’re thankful he’s holding back. “I just miss you.” He says it so softly the phone barely captures it. It hits you like a truck, and tears are rolling down your cheeks before you acknowledge them. The lump in your throat grows, and you're afraid your voice will betray you if you try to speak. “I haven’t seen you in weeks. When was the last time you came to the company?”

And it has been weeks - months, actually. You’re sure you can hear your own heart shattering like glass inside your chest. You can touch the sharp edges of the cracks and spot bruises that were supposed to have healed long ago but linger still. You miss him too. Not only Chan, but you you’re your routine with him and 3RACHA. You miss Changbin’s loud teasings and Han’s snuggles. You miss spending the hours on end holed up in a practice room with the eight of them, watching as they dance and sing and spin and fight and laugh, as if their own life depended on it. You were just a lucky spectator who has been very much avoiding the fact that you've been neglecting your most precious fortune. When did you become this mess of a person?

You’re bothering them. The male voice resonates in your mind and you close fiercely your eyes. You are not one of them, Y/N. You’re just being a nuisance all the time. Why can't you see it?

You try to stop it, but it's in vain. The memory memory comes back regardless.

“I never said I was one of them. That’s silly.” You replied as you entered the company’s elevator, followed by Jun. With your hands occupied holding plastic bags filled with snacks handpicked for each of the boys, you press the button with your elbow. “I just don’t think they see a problem with me coming over from time to time. It's not like I'm showing up every day." You glimpsed at your watch. You were early and Chris wouldn't be waiting for you. Perfect, you could surprise them. "You know, Channie was the one-“ He scoffed and you felt a puncture of guilt. “Chris.” You corrected yourself, not wanting to get into a fight because of this again. “Chris was the one who texted me asking if I was planning to come or not.” You tried to conceal the pride warming your chest with that statement.

“Maybe it’s because they just want to go home, but they can’t because there’s always the chance of you showing up out of nowhere. Have you ever thought about that?" His tone was harsh and took you by surprise. Actually… No. You have not thought about that, in fact. He inhaled deeply, massaging his temples in a sign of stress. “Of course not."

“I didn’t ask you to come.” You mumbled, fighting against the flush of shame on your cheeks. What if he's right? What if you've been bothering and annoying some of the most important people in your life this whole time, and they've just been putting up with you? Your heart sank at the thought.

“Babe.” Jun appeared in your line of sight and placed his hands on both your shoulders. "You know I'm only saying this because I love you, right? I just don’t want you to embarrass yourself in front of those people, that’s all." You tried to avoid his gaze, but he gently turned your chin and held it. "Okay?”

His voice was soft, but clear. Too loud for your ears, perhaps. The soft tone did not make it easier to absorb the painful words. It took you a moment to register that the elevator's bell had run the doors had already opened. Your partner stepped back, taking some of the bags from your hands and turning to exit. Had you been paying attention, you would've noticed the cynical smile on his face as he turned toward the figure standing at the entrance. You only registered the other party after Jun's venomous tone. “If you excuse us.”

The shadow, meanwhile, did not excuse him. He didn't move not even an inch to the side, and you caught Jun trying to pass by them smoothly - but failing. The figure didn't show to care when he bumped into him, murmuring curses under his breath that were very much audible. You turned your head and found, as already expected, Lee Know standing there. Nonchalantly, hands in the pockets of his jeans, you met his piercing dark gaze, already fixed on you - and you only. He paid as much attention to Jun as he'd do to a fleck of dust.

Although it had been about two months since you started dating Jun, all the boys had already met him. You held a habit of visiting them regularly at the company after being close to Chan for so long. Dating Jun hadn't stopped you from doing that, in fact, for some reason, he'd insist to come along. You tried questioning him if that came from a place of jealousy, but gave up after a few attempts. Mentioning Stray Kids was usually the motive for big arguments, which never led anywhere. Coming to the company to hang out obviously gave Jun as much amusement as he’d get from attending a seminar on top 10 best lore of teenager’s movies, and it was up to him how he spent his time. You actively did your best to dismiss his mean comments about the most insane things, be it the lightening of the place or the paint color they chose to paint this one specific wall or the supposed secretary’s rudeness. Every aspect of the building had something wrong with it that deserved a specific remark about it. Jun had learned not to make any unpleasant comments about - or even to - the boys. That was the only instance you would not let slide. In return, you learned to let him rant about how god damn cold or hot or crowded or empty the building was.

You never told Chan - or anyone, for that matter - about it. Practically any of the members, even Chris himself, had ever explicitly stated whether they liked or disliked Jun, and you never asked them directly. They maintained an awkwardly polite demeanor in Jun’s presence. At least they tried to keep it civilized, even when Jun was being difficult. Well, practically because there was one exception.

Lee Minho clearly disliked your boyfriend, and the feeling was mutual from day one. The first day Jun came along and you introduced him to your friends, they were all respectful and dealt fairly well with Jun’s special ironic remarks. Minho, on the other hand, had withdrawn into a state of heavy silence and deadly stares that alternated between you and Jun. You tried to ignore it, initially, not giving it too much thought. That was until Minho questioned, in a very audible and shameless, almost whiny voice, 'Ah, Hyung! When is this thing leaving? It’s so annoying.'

Before you could decide whether you’d argue with Minho or Jun, your short-tempered partner was already looking, outraged, for the source of the voice. You grabbed his arms and tried to drag him toward the door, saying goodbye to the boys with a hasty 'Yes, I’ll see you soon! Take care!' And, 'Let’s go, Jun, we have to—'

But as you left the room, both you and Jun saw that Minho had stood up and was leaning proudly against the wall. His deadly stare had followed you to the exit and you caught when the shadows on his face gave place to a malicious smile forming on his lips. He was looking at Jun, as he gave a tiny wave, somehow a sign of imminent violence. Just before you closed the door, you couldn't stop the shiver running down your spine when you noticed he was staring at you. You couldn't read what they said, but your stomach churned nonetheless.

Minho was the primary target of your boyfriend’s distaste ever since, and a common fight motive. Jun had always been the type to overthink, but it was ridiculously worse when it came to Lee Know - which was tragically hilarious. From all the eight, he had chosen Lee Minho to pick on? You'd try to argue, but his reply would always come to You can’t be this blind. It was maddening, always as if you were both arguing about two completely different things.

Thus, you weren't surprised to find Lee Know in front of you - that particular mocking tone coming from Jun in If you excuse us, would only be used with Minho. What did surprise you, however, was Minho himself. Standing as still as a statue in front of you, the man emanated annoyance and deep displeasure. His dark eyes exuded an anger you were certain you could touch. It made the air surrounding you heavier and colder. The chill reflected in your stomach as your face grew hotter. You couldn't look away, as if you were under a spell - and perhaps you were. You didn’t know if you wanted to scream, to run, or to hide. Maybe all three options. The knowledge you were the reason behind this anger was as clear as running fresh water, and it gave you goosebumps. Somehow, it wasn’t a question. You didn’t know what you could’ve done to trigger such fierce feelings from Lee Know. Although his feelings were as transparent as clean glass, you were unable to read his thoughts. Honestly, you weren’t sure you even wanted to.

How long it passed, you couldn’t tell. How long you stood there, pitiful and unable to move or look away, a mess of flushed face and glassy eyes, remains unclear to you to this day. What was very clear even at that time, however, was the shadow of disappointment you spot on the vastness of his deep dark eyes the moment before he turned around. He walked to the opposite direction of the hallway without saying a word. The abrupt withdraw left bad taste in your mouth. The spell was broken and you could breathe again, but the air was too icy in your lungs, making you wonder whether it'd be better to go back underwater - to be back under his gaze. That shadow of disappointment in his eyes persisted like an annoying fly you couldn’t shoo away, accompanied by a heavy weight in your chest.

“What the fuck was that?” The angry whisper suddenly reminded you that you weren’t alone. You might as well have been, though. The world could have ended and the universe collapsed at that very moment, and yet, staring into Lee Know’s eyes, you knew it wouldn’t make any difference. Under his gaze, you wouldn’t have noticed anyone but you and him. Your eyes followed the dark spot going down the corridor, until the moment he finally took a turn and disappeared completely. You collapsed against the elevator’s wall, finally breathing in as deep as you could until your lungs ache. Hold for one. Two. Three. Four. Exhale.

“Hello? What the fuck Y/N?” For a moment you considered yelling at Jun. You felt your nerves on the surface of your skin, and your heartbeat was distractingly loud in your head.

“I don’t know.” You breathed out, realizing that, in fact, you didn't have energy to fight. Your legs were unsteady and you realized your hands were shaking. The fog in your mind dissipated a little, and the pleas in your mind for Minho to come back died out. You tighten the grip on the left bags on your hands and push yourself forward. In automatic mode, you got out the elevator and headed to the first and closest safe place your mind could think of: 3RACHA’s Studio.

Perhaps you should have realized that you were heading in the same direction you had just seen him go, only a few minutes before. That you would, unavoidably, end up facing Lee Know again - although 3RACHA’s Studio wasn’t the only active room on that floor, that was the most obvious conclusion to arrive at. Maybe you knew it, unconsciously. Today, you wonder if you didn’t turn back that day simply because following Minho was like an instinct. You were confused, sad and scared, but still, going to Minho felt as natural as searching for a shelter during a storm. In this case, Minho was both the storm and the shelter. You should’ve turned your back and gone home, but you didn’t. Your mind was a hurricane of confusing feelings and images that, in the end, returned to the same name being chanted again and again. Lee Know Lee Know Lee Know.

Jun kept saying things you didn’t register. His voice was just a bit more than an agitated whisper, and you wished he would just shut up. Or even better, stayed at home. The doubts and fears resurfaced and you couldn’t shake them away. What if he was right? What if what had just happened was a statement of how much you annoyed and bothered this people?

Did they hate you that much?

As this last thought crossed your mind, a loud thud echoed, followed by a harsh voice. You froze, realizing it was emanating from 3RACHA’s Studio, and the door was half-open.

“Why is it still going on? It’s ridiculous!” It was… Minho? Could it be? You had never seen him raise his voice in anger - at least not seriously. It was unmistakably Minho, but the so intense anger was foreign to you. You couldn’t place it to the so coldhearted and detached person that Minho had always shown.

“YA! Don’t go around slamming things!” Changbin’s scolding came even louder, followed by mumbles you thought was Han's, but they were too muffled by the distance and walls to be sure.

They were fighting. They were very seriously fighting, and the realization sank in.

You should run. Run run run. Something was so clearly and deeply wrong. You should not be here. Now. Run.

Your members didn't follow your mind’s orders, and you caught yourself frozen in place.

You couldn’t move.

Your eyes snapped to your left, where Jun started moving. The sparkle of hope was extinguished when you realized he was moving forward, and not back to the elevator. He took one step closer to the door, and then another. Slowly, but surely trying to get a better listen. This isn't right.

“What do you want us to do, Minho?” Chan’s voice was also alien. The hasty, firm and contained anger just didn’t fit his patient personality. “Should we yell at her? That’s your solution?”

Her. Obviously this was about you. The word solution haunts you to this day, but even back then, the harm was starting to settle in. The need of a solution arises from the existence of a problem. You. In the end, you were the problem they were looking for a solution for.

“I can’t do this.” It was Lee Know again. Although his voice was much lower, it was as clear as it would’ve been if you were in that room with them. Pain and exhaustion overflowed from his words, and you felt their weight on your own face, in the form of tears that welled up and streamed down nonstop. His agony was overwhelming, and you felt as if your own heart was a broken dam. “I can’t, Hyung.” It was getting harder to understand his words - not only for the walls muffling them, but also for your own heartbeat was deafening. For a moment, you considered whether they could hear it too.

You sized your options. First, you could casually knock on the door and hand them the bags – somehow still in your hands –, then find an excuse to leave right after. Oh, sorry! I’m super busy, just wanted to give you guys these. No, it’s fine! Enjoy! It could work. Except the atmosphere inside was beyond intimidating. You would never be able to put on such an act that convinced them you weren't listening. The second option was simply leaving the bags in front of the door and leaving instantly. You shook your head, discarding the idea as soon as it happened. Leaving without saying a word would be a clear statement that you heard them, then felt bad and left. While it was precisely what had happened, you did not want them to know that. No, you couldn’t bear having Chan forcibly explaining to you in which ways you were a problem to the boys. The fact that he felt this way - or at least knew the others did - and had not talked to you prior stung at the back of your brain. Lastly, you could just leave. Dragging Jun and all the bags, you would leave no traces behind and, hopefully, Minho would think you didn’t even leave the elevator. Maybe he would think you had seen him and finally realized you were not welcome, then you had made the smartest choice – the one you should definitely have taken – and had gone straight home. He would ignore it and not mention it and-

Shouts suddenly pulled out from of your daze.

“GONE! OUT OF HERE! OUT OF MY FUCKING SIGHT!” Someone vociferated, followed by the sounds of a chair being dragged and steps. You grabbed Jun's hand and started pulling him after you before you even register doing the action. Desperately going back to the direction you both came from, you prayed to find an unlocked door before anyone heard your footsteps and plastic sounds. Not sure how, your pleas were quickly answered. In a moment of despair, trying to open an unknown door, you pushed both you and Jun inside the empty dark room. Shortly afyer you shut the door and locked it, hoping the thud noise went unnoticed.

“Are you crazy?” As soon as he started, you dropped all the plastic bags and covered his mouth with both hands. You closed your eyes – to avoid the tears that threatened to spill or to hear if anyone had left the studio and came after you, you didn’t know. Regardless, you couldn’t hear anything over your heartbeat and a high buzz in your ears.

“Y/N?” You blink, coming back to the present. You open your eyes, and the barista is in front of your table holding your coffee. You notice his uncomfortable gaze and blush in embarrassment, murmuring thanks and apologies as he hands you the cup and leaves. He must’ve called you and you didn’t hear, giving him extra trouble to leave his spot and hand it to you personally.

It can also be due the tears flowing uninterruptedly on your face. Who knows.

You look at the black screen on your hand, laying on your lap now. You unlock your phone and blink to try to clean your vision from the tears, regardless, there is no new notifications. You can't recall the conversation with Chan exactly - if it could even be called a conversation. You don't know whether it was you or Chan who hung up, or even if you got to say goodbye. Had he noticed you crying?

You stare at the ceiling, doing your best to stop the tears. That was the last time you went to the company, and that was months ago. You miss Chan. You miss Changbin and Han. You miss spending the afternoon simply watching them working on music. You miss how they were loud and lively and intense. You miss how you felt when you were with them, and knowing that the feeling was only one sided broke your heart in ways you have no idea how to heal. You can’t shake the feeling of losing them - it seemed inevitable, and you wanted to scream.

You don't know why you act the way you do - running away since then. Evidently, it wouldn't magically make things right again. It wouldn't wipe out your memories of that day, or care less, for that matter. Some of the dearest people in your life thought of you as a problem to be solved, and it simply hurt. Minho’s anger and disdain were far too ingrained in your brain. You’ve been ignoring the acute pain that always followed remembering his exasperation and fury. Gone, he had shouted at the top of his lungs. He wanted you gone and couldn’t fathom why no one had talked to you yet. Honestly, it's hard for you to not question the same.

Something very solid and real had broken inside you that day. Your attempt to pretend nothing happened was reinforced by the fact that, that day, Minho had, indeed, did what you hoped he would do. You texted Chan a little after, apologizing for not showing up, and he didn't say anything about you being there. Minho hadn’t told them about meeting you, and you felt relieved – maybe you could work things out by yourself, without having to make things even harder for them. You still didn't know how - but you planned on finding out.

The weeks that followed that incident were a messy blur. Thankfully, Jun didn’t mind your absentmindedness. It didn't bother him – interacting was an action that had to come from your end, and, since your mind was preoccupied with something else, he wouldn’t even try pulling you out from your thoughts. You couldn’t focus on anything else for too long, your thoughts would always, somehow, end on Minho’s resentment. On Minho's angry pleas to the winds for you to go away. On Minho's eyes. On Minho. Minho. It drove you mad. You felt bad and didn't want to admit you resented Chan a little. As you learned, asking Jun for advice proved to be completely unhelpful – in fact, it made things worse most of times. The situation was as clear as crystal to him: the boys were busy people, while you were someone desperately clinging to their attention, and, in the end, it saturated them. They were also not assholes - except that guy, he'd add - and that’s why they had been trying to give you hints. Then, you could arrive at the conclusion yourself, and there wouldn't be a need to go through the confrontational phase. Unfortunately, you hadn’t done your part and didn’t read between the lines, that's why you stood where you did. Why are you so upset about it? Fuck them! I never liked those guys anyway, and variations would usually put an end to the "conversation".

At work, however, you didn’t have the comfort of having your absentmindedness be dismissed. That was quickly noticeable not only by your clients and colleagues, but also by your manager. He was a patient man, but seemed to be in a permanent state of exhaustion and you guessed that's what capitalism did to a person. He never raised his voice and treated employees as human beings – an unprecedented event according to your own experience -, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have the company as top priority. He tried to listen and help, but wouldn’t hesitate to fire someone if they messed up. The first time you were called to his office, he questioned, impassive, about the embarrassing decline in your productivity. He didn’t seem exactly worried - employees had ups and downs all the time. You tended to overwork yourself, and, although you weren't the employee of the month, you knew you did a good job overall - so did your superior. “It’s just proceeding, you know?”

The downs persisted, unfortunately, and two weeks later you were called again. This time, his approach was more assertive and concerned.

“You can’t stay like this, Y/N.” He turned the monitor on his desk to face you, showing the numbers you had missed the last 15 days. “What is going on?”

“I’m sorry, sir.” You bowed deeply one more time, having no explanations or justifications for your bad performance. You couldn’t tell your manager you had your confidence undermined, that you were questioning every single act and interaction you had. You couldn’t tell your superior how deeply you missed your friends, missed love and hugs and affection and care. You missed yourself. You couldn’t tell him about the constant presence in your head that kept saying you were doing everything wrong. Everything. All your achievements, be they your job or your relationships - all of them were product of luck and you clearly weren’t good enough to keep them. Chan instantly came to mind. Even though he was texting you regularly, you couldn't get rid of the overwhelming sadness gripping your neck and kept your replies short. Obviously he had noticed, but respected your space - he stopped asking what was wrong after the first week. Knowing him, it was good that he didn’t know where you live, and that his own job kept him busy through day and night, or else you were certain he would’ve shown up at your door already. “It’s all my fault and I am deeply sorry I am bringing losses to the company and-"

“Y/N.” Your manager cut you, “When was the last time you slept?”

Confused, you blinked. “Excuse me?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “That answers it. You need to see a doctor.”

“I’m fine.” You raised your hands in surrender. “I promise, I don’t need to-“

“You can be a lot of things, Y/N. Sleep-deprived. Careless. Stressful. Anything but fine.” You flinched on the bluntness.

“Don’t you mean stressed?” You mumbled, embarrassed, trying to play off a joke.

“No, I said what I meant. Stressful. I cannot go on even for one more day if I look at my window one more time and see you staring blankly at your hands for God knows how long.” Before you could protest, he stopped you again. “I’m serious. I can’t afford the trouble of having an employee passing out because of lack of sleep. Take the rest of the day off and go to the hospital to get checked up. Come back tomorrow with the results in hand stating you are not dying or turning into a damn zombie.”

Left with no choice, you headed to the hospital. The feeling of guilt lingered in your chest a little, wondering if the insomniac nights were obvious in the dark bags under your eyes, if your anxiety was that evident in your eyes, words and walking.

You expected your health to be in check. You were certain modern medicine wasn’t capable of curing broken hearts yet – unfortunately. In worst case scenario, you’d probably walk out with a prescription to help you sleep and that’d be all. You took a deep breath before going in.

“Y/N?!”

Your body reacted before your mind and your eyes snapped in the direction of the source – Chris. He was already walking toward you, emerging from inside the huge building you had been staring at. You wondered if you were finally at the stage of hallucinations, and perhaps it was good it was happening next to a hospital - but this thought soon evaporated. Before you registered your own actions, you were also walking toward him, falling into the so missed and familiar hug your heart ached for.

It was the first time meeting Chan in almost a month. Usually, it wouldn’t have been a big thing, but it was for you. Your heart had been bleeding out for the past four weeks, and you hadn’t found a way to stop the pain. Chris was instant medicine, one that you had been actively depriving yourself of. You allowed yourself to be selfish for a moment. It was okay if you disturbed them and if you were an overall headache to them. In that moment, though, it was just you and Chris. You let yourself to believe that the love and appreciation you received from him were as real as they felt.

“Hi.” You murmured against his chest, inhaling his familiar perfume. His body vibrated with a chuckle, backing off just enough to look you in the eyes.

It was short, but you saw when the fun and joyful semblance turned into a concerned expression. You thought you sensed Chan becoming rigid, stiffening the hold on your shoulders just a little, as if you could run away if he let you. You remembered how you awfully sick and tired you might look. “How are yo-“

“I’m fine.” You cut off him, not being able to hold back a smile. “Do I look that terrible?”

He shifted, trying to cover up for his shameless stare. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way.”

Your smile widened; it was so easy to mess with him. “I’m just joking. I’m really fine, though.”

He glanced at you suspiciously. You could’ve well said you won the Olympics, and a quick look at you was enough to say that both of those things – being fine and winning the Olympics – were equally unlikely. And you didn’t account for the fact he had caught you standing in front of a hospital, just about to go in. Then it clicked, a hospital he just walked out of.

“Wait, what were you doing there? Are you okay?” It was your time to shamelessly look for wounds and signs that could hint if there was anything wrong with Chris. You noticed his clothes – shorts and a black long-sleeve shirt, it’s not something he’d normally wear outside, and rather stay inside working or even practicing.

He laughed shortly. “I am fine. Jeongin had an accident during practice and-“

“Jeongin had an accident?” Your voice was high pitched. Your eyes shifted to the entrance, past Chan, and you tensed, afraid you could see a badly hurt I.N.

“He is fine, Y/N.” He put his hand on the top of your head and turned it back to him. Looking into his eyes, you searched but found no traces of lying. Indeed, Chan looked quite chill, given the circumstances. “We feared he had a strained ligament or something, but he’s fine. I'll still hurt for the next few days, for sure. But he'll survive."

You breathed out in relief. “That’s great.” The story also explained his clothes.

Chan smiled at your concern. “Actually, they should be here at any minute now.” He glanced at the watch on his wrist.

“They?” You looked at him puzzled, but as if waiting for its cue, a loud calling Hyung! drew his attention.

When he turned around, keeping one hand gently on your elbow, he stepped aside and gave you a clear vision of the hospital's entrance.

Your heart caught in your throat. It wasn’t the imagery of an injured Jeongin, who limped just a little toward you and Chan, using a crutch to support his body. Oblivious, you didn’t even notice the way he was happily surprised to see you after so long, his dimples showing even after he had just left the hospital.

No. In all honesty, you had barely registered Jeongin’s presence at all at first. Instead, your eyes met with the figure following him, just slightly behind. The simplicity of the large white shirt and gray sweatpants would have made anyone else look comfortable, casual at most – but Lee Know wasn’t just anyone else. He wasn’t just comfortable or casual. He was so goddamn attractive - he was hot, you dared. His dark hair was even longer than it was the month prior, falling a little on his eyes depending on the movement of his face, and you had the urge to place a lock behind his ear.

He stopped walking suddenly, his gaze locking with yours. In that moment you knew the word that best described Minho: breathtaking – quite literally.

It lasted for a moment. Chan called for I.N and Minho started walking in your direction. Your eyes instantly deviated from his, and you forced yourself to focus on the maknae, rather than the burning stare coming from Minho or the blood flow running in your ears.

“Y/N!” Jeongin smile was contagious.

“Hey there, baby bread! How are you feeling?” You wanted to hug him, but you were unsure about his injuries, so you chose to stick with the smiling. Lee Know caught up to you all and placed himself by Jeongin's side.

“Oh, it’s nothing serious.” You saw him blushing. “This thing helps," he jiggled the crutch, "but it makes it seem way worse than it actually is. Ice will do just fine.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, Innie”. You smiled at him, and he smiled back. Keeping your hands in front of your body, highly conscious - conscious of your posture, choice of clothes, and greasy hair. You felt like a prey being watched by a predator – but choosing to avoid the predator’s eyes instead.

“What’s wrong with you?” Although Minho’s voice didn’t carry any resentment or accusation, you still winced. The sensation was like having a burnt hand and then someone grabbing it and placing it under a stream of cold water for relief. Yes, the relief would come right after, but first came the moment of shock and instinct to move away, before realizing how much you needed the cold water (his voice?) to relieve the pain of your burnt hand (your heart?).

“Come on, Lino. That’s not how you greet people.” Chan began, glancing at you apologetically. Unable to ignore him any longer, you let your eyes shift towards him.

His expression was a mystery, as hard as if it were sculpted in marble. Minho's face revealed no emotions, nor did his words. The bluntness could be mistaken by indifference, still his gaze was intense, making it hard to breathe and sending chills down your spine.

“Why would anything be wrong?” You questioned. Your voice somehow didn’t shake, and you hope you didn’t look as affected as you felt.

“Because I have eyes.” You felt your face growing hotter. “And because you are in front of a hospital. What is wrong?” A sparkle of defiance lit in your chest – you owed him nothing. In fact, last time you checked, Lee Minho had made it very clear he did not want to see you.

“That’s not nice, Minho.” Chan scolded him, more fiercely this time.

“No, Chan.” You began, smiling warmly at Chris. He had so much on his shoulders already, you wouldn’t let Minho become another topic of trouble for him. “I’m fine, Minho. I’m here only to get checked up. Routine, that’s all.” You sustained his gaze with one of your own, hands held in fist so tight you’d later find red marks on your palms.

Minho raised a brow, almost mocking your poor explanation. The maknae spoke before him, “Are you sure you are well, Y/N?” The gentleness appeased your heart.

“You have to be joking.” Lee Know scoffed, apparently to himself but audibly to all of you. He was infuriating, daring to demand answers he had absolutely no right over! Why was he pressing on this? Why did it matter, anyway? Before you launched on him, Chan spoke.

“Okay! We’re done here.” He felt the weird energy between you two and wanted to prevent a war. “The driver is waiting for us, we need to go back. I.N, can you walk by yourself?”

“Yes, Hyung.” The maknae responded, particularly confused for the sudden shift but not daring to ask any questions.

Chan clapped “Okay, great. Minho, let’s-“

“I’m staying.” Minho said simply, placing himself by your side. Both you and Chan turned your heads to him abruptly.

“You are what?” You stepped away from him in disbelief. Your voice was a little higher than you wished. His face remained impassive, but there was something in his eyes that you quite put your finger on. “No, you are not.”

“Oh, come on. I’m not gonna do anything to you.” He exasperated.

You tried to sense his motives, but it made so little sense that it was hard to put some logic into it. Did he get some twisted pleasure from upsetting you? It could be. But again, not a month had passed after the incident at the company. Back then, the sight of you had triggered as far as rage in him. But even now, he didn't look exactly the type of person that was getting any satisfaction from being in your presence.

Chan’s tone was serious. “Minho,” His eyes left yours and shifted to the oldest, changing his demeanor in a bit. His posture was rigid, but his gaze carried a determined defiance. “What is going on?”

Minho pointed at you without adverting his eyes from Chan. You gasped angrily, about to protest, but he didn’t give you the space. “She is going on, hyung. Look at her. If not for the obvious signs of being ill, then for the fact she’s missing work to come to the hospital.”

You argued. “I’m missing work because my boss told me to!"

“Which only proves my point.” He continued, letting his hand fall right by his side. “Something is so obviously wrong that it was up to her boss to step in, or else I doubt she’d come by herself.”

Ouch. “Listen." You interrupted. "I don't know what's going on with you, but you’re making it way bigger than it actually is. I am okay and I most definitely do not need your help.” You glanced at Chris, but his attention was still directed to Minho. You could see the gears working in his head, but you decided it was time to leave. “It was great seeing you guys. I mean it. But I really don't have time for this. If you excuse me.” You turned your back and tried to leave, but in vain. Not even two steps later did a hand wrap around one of your wrists. Minho’s hold was gentle, but firm, and you tried to hide de burning in your cheeks. “YA!”

He pulled you closer than you were before, and his voice was deeper when he spoke. “How long has it been since you last saw your boyfriend?” You were dizzy. The sudden shift in subject, accompanied by the warmth Minho's hand transmitted to your wrist and the disdain he had put into the word 'boyfriend,' clouded your thinking.

“Jun?” You blinked, trying to disperse the fog, but the scent of his perfume was inebriating. Minho was too close. “I saw him yesterday.”

“You saw him yesterday?” Minho’s voice had a hint of disbelief, and he searched for lies in your eyes. You saw him becoming tense, and you prepared to feel his grip tightening, but the hold on your wrist remained the same. “Are you sure?”

“What?! Of course I am sure! What kind of question is that?” Angrily, you pulled your wrist away from his grasp. He let you, keeping his stare a little longer. “What is wrong with you?!” You turned your eyes to Chris, begging a way out of this insanity. You caught I.N behind him, almost as uncomfortable with the scene as you were. Chan sustained Minho’s gaze for a moment, and your eyes darted between the two of them. No words were spoken, but obviously they weren't needed. The silent conversation through telepathy or whatever the sorcery clearly didn't include you.

After what seemed like forever, Chan sighed, defeated. “Okay. Y/N," he turned to you. "do you mind if he accompanies you?”

“What?! This is madness! Of course I mind. I’m not a child!” You begged.

“It’s not that, sweetheart.” He got closer and you let him when he pulled you to a hug. “We’re just worried about you. We all know you’re very much capable of taking care of yourself.” He added the last phrase when he felt you were about to protest. “We just want to make sure you are okay and can go home safely afterwards.”

“I can do this by myself.” You mumbled.

“I know, I know. But Lee Know can’t. He won’t be able to rest if he doesn’t make sure you’re safe and sound.” He kissed your forehead. “And my mind will also be at ease if I know you’re with him.”

After a moment, you sighed. “Fine.” You accepted reluctantly, stepping away as Chan positioned himself next to the waiting maknae.

“Thank you, Y/N. You’re amazing. Lemme know how things go, yea?” Chan’s warm smile was impossible to be angry about. You nodded with your head and waved a tiny goodbye to I.N and watched them walk away.

Lee Know, didn't move an inch throughout the entire time. When you turned to him, somehow, he seemed relaxed. Even his eyes had changed. Although they still carried a wince of something unknown - similar to concern but deeper in a way -, they were calmer. They were almost… gentle. It could’ve made you mad. He had made a huge thing out of nothing, stressed both you and Chris, and now dared to look at you with tenderness in his eyes. You exhaled, knowing it'd be pointless to yell at him. You were exhausted and had no energy spared to bicker. His motives was still undisclosed, but perhaps they weren’t important right now. You decided that your main task was to get whatever prescription as easily as possible, and then have a doctor to state you were not about to collapse. Then, not only would it solve the matter with your boss, but also it meant you would finally get rid of the man in front of you.

Okay, that sounds like a plan.

“Shall we?” Minho reached out his hand with an overly soft voice. You rolled your eyes.

"Weirdo." You cursed under your breath and avoided his hand, heading, finally, straight to the entrance. You did take note of the small chuckle he let out, and how he smoothly followed you behind.

#lee know x reader #lee minho x reader #stray kids x reader #stray kids fanfic #skz fanfic

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pomegranate-pen · 1 year

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Hi iv really enjoyed your lackadaisy writing and was wondering if you’d be willing to write dating headcanons for Mordecai Heller?

He’s one of my favorites atm

A/n: hey everyone!! hope you're all having a good day!!! so a lot fo you requested mordecai dating headcanons, so here it is!! this will probably be the last headcanons I'll do, and I'll now stick to writing scenarios while also my main focus being continuing my fanfics. also going to start making up the plot for the potential rocky fic. though that all may come out in summer, since I'm slowly but surely exam seasons. anyways- hope you all enjoy this!!

Mordecai Heller x gn! reader general

-Mordecai is definitely cold toward you the very first time you meet. He will not speak to you about himself or his interests, he will keep the conversations short and straight to the point and he will not care about a single thing you do, only he will be annoyed when you do a task wrong.

-If you’re a regular of sorts, or someone who will become his partner or co-worker, then you’ll learn a few more bits and information about him and if stayed long enough, you will get a few more lines other than orders about what he feels about a certain subject matter or a few other workers around here (mostly complaints about the Savoy siblings, given how much he has to spend time with them on the daily). even then, he merely considers you an acquaintance. And it will take many years and much more meetings for him to see you as a friend. and when it does happen, it is subtle, but the conversations are more apparent, and your opinion on different matters is valued much more.

-Being his lover, however, will take much longer, and needs a much more deal of spending time and getting to know him. Which can be hard given how closed off he is about his life and past. Despite that, it’s not an impossible task. Rather, it’s made extremely difficult due to Mordecai’s own lack of interest in such things, his trust issues, and a bundled amount of feelings of unworthiness towards such a thing as love. He believes he doesn’t need it nor does he deserve it, and he doesn’t mind either of those.

-However, though his feelings are completely uninterested in such matters, that doesn’t mean he won’t fall for someone, which in this case, becomes you after half a decade or so of being friends with him.

-the first to realize their feelings is most likely you. since Mordecai will first assume that his emotions towards you are just ones out of the care and respect he has for you as a friend. If you realize them, you must keep quiet about them for the most part, since Mordecai won’t really understand why there would be such a feeling harboring between you two, and he must process his own feelings himself before accepting yours. When he does realize them, oh boy, it’s rough. He feels guilty for loving you, because he doesn’t trust himself with any intimate relationship. Given how his friendship went with Viktor, he was already extremely hesitant about the idea of another friend, now, a lover and a partner, someone that he needs to trust and share a part of his life with, and they must do with him, is frightening and confusing to say the least. As said before, he doesn’t believe he’s worthy of such things. And now that he wants it from you, he feels like a villain of sorts. Taking something that doesn’t belong to him in the first place.

-It will take quite a few months for him to accept these feelings of his, almost half a year even. You seriously need to be very patient with him, something that he will appreciate the world of when you do. his confession is short, and straight to the point. Though, a few ticks of stress and anxiousness can be seen in him. For example, his ears are twitching here and then, his tail is flicking up and down in his seat and he cannot for the life of him seem to stare at you in the eye for more than three seconds. His words are quick, and his tone is a bit clumsy for a guy like him. at the end of it, the flicks of his tail are quicker in speed, and now, he’s looking straight at you with a hesitant look, as if he’s regretting the confession already a second after it’s done.

-He’s calmed down and surprised when you do accept his confession, and he’d not know what to do at that point. he’d nod his head, clear his throat, and thank you. “very well then,” his ears twitched a bit. “ I suppose we’d have to…plan a date now?”

-It takes him some time, but with some help from yours, he finds, in his opinion, the true meaning of dating someone. It is not about dates and being over the top like he presumed, yet it is a way of spending time and enjoying each other’s presence, and being loyal to one another for more than anyone else.

-So as you can guess, dates are quite rare. He never sees the point in it, though if you want such an activity to happen every once in a while, perhaps with a bit of pleading and coaxing you’ll get him to begrudgingly get time out of his day to do such things with you. yet, even though he seems annoyed by the entire occasion at first, you find him calm and even smiling at some point the more time you spend with him on the said dates.

His love language is spending time with one another. Though at the start of the relationship, miscommunication will be common, since Mordecai isn't one to speak about his feelings, if you try your best to tackle it healthily, your relationship with him will be all about communication and it will be the very reason why it’s so strong at the end of it all. It also makes him see communication as the most important part of the relationship, so he’s completely honest, brutally so at times.

--The love language he’d like to receive most is the same, though he does get a bit flustered anytime you use words of affirmation and compliment him, then quickly denies your compliments or thanks you for them.

-Not at all a PDA person, nor is he a physically affectionate guy in private either. He doesn’t like physical contact, either finding it too stuffy or too warm for his liking and just not being in much of a mood for it most times. Though, if in a situation you truly seem like you need a warm embrace or a hand to hold, he wouldn’t mind giving that to you, though he’ll be a bit flustered and quiet the entire time while doing so. He wouldn’t ever say this out loud, but his favorite act of affection from you is when you kiss or peck his cheek. It's surprising to him and it makes him melt a bit, being treated with such softness is quite rare in his life, so he doesn’t know what to do when you peck him, but his heart is beating so fast he can’t focus. He could only look at you in shock and touch the cheek you have kissed in instinct. Give him a forehead kiss and you’ll have an extremely quiet Mordecai awaiting you. he’s processing every second of that quick kiss and he’s speechless by how much it moved him.

-Word about your relationship will never spread out, since Mordecai is extremely private about such things. No one realizes you two are dating unless one of you says so. The only ones who do notice by connecting the dots themselves are the Savoy siblings and Viktor.

-Whether you like it or not, information about Mordecai’s family will mostly never be revealed. You’ll most likely just know that he has two sisters, but that is all he will ever tell you. and in fairness, he never tries to force you to speak about yours either, so it’s a mutual agreement at times to just avoid the topic unless it is deemed necessary by a dangerous circumstance to be said.

-He doesn’t have many hobbies, but if you still try to enjoy a few things he does such as reading the same book he has on his shelves, you’ll be met with a cautiously excited and info-dumping Mordecai who starts debates and discussions with you about which part of the books you enjoyed and detested.

-He’ll try to indulge a bit in a few hobbies you have as well, but he’ll probably not get much invested in them. Though, he still sees it as a worthy journey, since in the end you were smiling and excited when explaining things to him.

-Mordecai feels much more comfortable ranting to you than anyone else. So most times when he comes back from work for the day and has a weekend to look forward to, he spends that time drinking tea with you while speaking about anything and nothing that is on his mind. Treat this like it was diamonds in a mine full of charcoal. because not everyone has the luck to meet this side of Mordecai Heller. He’s more expressive when he’s with you, more open with his emotions, which means the level of trust he has with you is most than anyone else’s.

He’ll listen to all your rants and complaints as well, and if needed, he will give honest advice for your problems. Don’t expect any comfort, though. Because he isn't the best one for such things and he makes that clear all the time before you start your rant.

-Wherever you live, whether it's in a separate apartment from his or if you’ve moved in with him, it will be extremely clean. Whether it’s because of his actions or yours, a completely clean and tidied-up house becomes the absolute norm in your life. If you were one who never really cared about those things, well, you will have to at some point for his sake, since he’s always extremely uncomfortable in messy areas.

-Mordecai Heller loves you, but he won’t ever verbally say it. yet, you’ll always know that, because his actions speak much louder than words ever can, and you understand every word he's saying when he’s making tea for you or asking about your day, speaking to you on the daily or just sitting next to you. you know he loves you, and you know he loves you back. and perhaps, that is why this relationship worked in the first place. It will have its hardships, yes, but like any other relationship, it doesn’t mean it won’t have its good moments either.

#lackadaisy mordecai x reader #lackadaisy mordecai #lackadaisy x reader #lackadaisy #fanfiction #x reader #headcanons #mordecai heller x reader #lackadaisy mordecai heller x reader

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samanthaa-leanne · 4 months

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“Hinata you idiot! You're not supposed to receive the ball with your face!” Kageyama yelled from inside the gym.

You looked up from your spot on the bench to see Hinata on the floor and Kageyama standing over him with his hands in the air. A bright red spot forming on his face from the impact.

“Yeah I know that Kageyama!”

You were a first year at Karasuno and had gotten talked into joining the volleyball club from your friend Yachi. The last few months had been interesting to say the least. You had some knowledge about volleyball, but after watching the Karasuno boys in action it was like you knew nothing at all about the sport.

Everyone was extremely talented and the team had the potential to go all the way to nationals this year. There were still some minor improvements that needed to be made. One of which was receives, which just so happened to be what the team was currently practicing on.

“You’ll get the next one!” Yachi encouraged from beside you.

Both boys looked over to where you guys were sitting, your eyes instantly meeting Kageyama’s, a small blush adorning your cheeks. Anytime you looked at Kageyama your heart raced. He was so handsome you couldn’t take it. You usually didn’t get flustered when it came to boys, but there was just something about him that made your brain turn to mush. You were better at talking to him then when you first joined. You used to always stumble over your words when you guys had a conversation, but now that you formed a friendship you found it was a lot easier to talk to him. You no longer stumbled over your words when you talked, but your heart beat like crazy anytime you were near him. The crush you had on him growing more and more everyday.

The boys give you both a nod and a smile before returning to practice, training even harder than before.

“Valentine’s Day is coming up. Maybe you should get him something.” Kiyoko said softly enough for only you to hear.

The third years were the only ones who knew about your little crush. Kiyoko was the first to figure it out, then Suga, Daichi, and finally Asahi. They didn’t get it at first, but that didn’t stop them from encouraging you any chance they got.

“Yeah maybe.” You said with a shrug, breaking your gaze from the two boys to look up at her.

Kiyoko was stunning. You could see why Nishinoya and Tanaka were obsessed with her. Not only was she beautiful, but she was incredibly smart. She could do anything she wanted after she graduated, and you couldn’t wait to see what the future held for her.

“Alright bring it in.” Coach Ukai said as the team sat in front of him. “We have a practice game tomorrow against Nekoma, so I want you guys to start cleaning up and head straight home.”

“You heard him, let's get this place cleaned up.” Daichi said standing up. Everyone followed the captain's orders with no push back. The team cleaned quickly and changed in the club room before heading home for the night.

“Hey YN can you uhm stay back for a second.” Kageyama asked nervously once everyone was out of earshot.

“Yeah of course.” You couldn’t help the flutter in your chest at the thought of some alone time with Kageyama.

You both stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before he cleared his throat, his hand reaching into his bag.

“Uhh I know Valentine’s Day is still a few days away, and I know it’s not much, but I got you this.” He pulled out a small teddy bear and a heart shaped box of chocolates with a small note attached to the lid. “They're homemade.” He said softly as you opened the lid, popping a piece in your mouth.

“These are amazing Kageyama!” You exclaimed watchigun his face turn bright red. You threw your arms around him and gave him a big hug. “Thank you so much. I love them.” He slowly wrapped his arms around you, returning your hug.

“It was nothing.” He said shyly, pulling back a little from your embrace. “I, uhm, was wondering if you maybe wanted to go out with me sometime? I really like you YN.” His face getting impossibly more red with his confession.

Your heart did somersaults in your chest. You didn’t think your feelings were reciprocated. “Of course, I would love to.” You answer, smiling up at him.

He pulled you back in for another hug before letting out a breath you didn’t know he was holding. You couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at how nervous he was. You thought it was adorable. He ended up walking you home that night, hand in hand, and you had never been happier.

Once you got home you read his note and snuggled with the teddy bear he got you, eating another piece of the delicious chocolates.

“Best Valentine’s Day ever.”

#kageyama x reader #kageyama tobio #haikyuu kageyama #hq kageyama #haikyuu x reader #Valentine’s Day event #samanthaa-leanne #Haikyuu #hq x reader #kageyama tobio x reader

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thestrangestthing89 · 1 year

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Mike tries to recreate conversations involving an emotional connection with both El and Will this season. 1) With El, he goes to her room after the incident at rink-o-mania. He doesn't apologize for his behavior here and instead is trying to comfort her about being bullied. He starts off being mature and tries to explain to her that he understands how she feels by bringing up his own history with being bullied. These two have discussed Mike getting bullied before, back in season 1 when Mike is worried that El won't understand how he got hurt so he's hesitant to tell her about it. When he does explain she replies with "I understand". This is the only time these two have a meaningful connection and from the look on Mike's face in the scene, it's an emotional bond that he looks for in his friends (as most of us do). I think this scene was what establishes for Mike that maybe El could be a person in his life too. Up until now, they only talk about Will and finding him. The problem is the only other time these two ever had a significant moment was when she saves his life after he jumps off a cliff. However they don't have a conversation about this ever. So Mike attempts to bring up their earlier conversation about bullying again in Lenora but instead of understanding El shuts him down and says it's different because she is different. Mike is different too but she isn't aware at this point how much or what that means. Mike starts getting defensive after this and the conversation breaks down. She doesn't understand anymore. People are always bullied for being different, but El is caught up in her own problems and doesn't see how Mike would have to be different too in order to be treated like that. They are both different, just in different ways. I do think by this point in the story Mike is aware of his feelings for Will. I think Mike was planning on breaking up with El when he got to Lenora and part of his bad attitude about the skating rink was about how he felt like he couldn't break up with her if she was so unhappy. During this scene, Mike is trying to establish some kind of connection with her using the only topic they ever connected over in the past - bullying. It's the conversation that established a potential friendship. I think he is trying to maintain some kind of friendship with her - something they didn't have in seasons 2 or 3 - but when she dismisses him, he starts to wonder if there is any place in her life at all. Which is what leads to his doubts later in the season. 2) Mike then goes to Will and reestablishes their friendship. It's a callback to the scene in the shed in season 2 when Mike talks about how he met Will on the first day of kindergarten and it was the "best thing he's ever done". We have seen many scenes between the two of them over the years showing a deep emotional bond and a connection that is different than their other friends. So when Mike talks to Will in Lenora, not only does he apologize for his behavior, he reestablishes that he missed Will and wants to keep being his friend "best friends. A team." And Will responds to this positively. He doesn't fight with him and instead agrees with Mike and they have a moment where they are both very emotional over their relationship (teary eyes and intense gulping from both of them) until they are interrupted. It's implied something else would have happened here which is why they needed Jonathan to barge in. Because that kind of moment reads as very romantic and it's supposed to make the audience wonder what would have just happened if Jonathan hadn't come in.

Mike draws on past conversations with both of them in order to establish a meaningful connection with them but it's only Will who reciprocates. Both El and Will are mad at him at this point so he knows he should be fixing both relationships and attempts to, but it's one sided in the case of El. El never apologizes for lying to him, but Will does apologize for the way he acted at the skating rink. Both him and Mike are aware of how their actions impact the other person and have a mature conversation about how they both didn't like the way things were going with their relationship over the past 6 months. They make the first step in fixing their problems by acknowledging that they are on the same page. Mike and El on the other hand are a mess. They don't communicate well, they dismiss each other, El tries to force Mike to say he loves her just like how she forced him back into a relationship without asking if he wanted to, Mike calls her ridiculous. It's both of them. This isn't just on Mike. Neither of them gets what they need from this relationship and it's what causes Mike to wonder whether or not he has a place in her life because he's recognizing that they just don't have a connection.

I also think this establishes that El is just not ready to be in a romantic relationship. She doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with her mistakes or have a difficult conversation. Which isn't her fault, she was never taught how to do these things. But it's notable that Mike does know how to because he does it easily with Will. They are better matched and she needs to take some time to learn more about herself and how to be a better friend to people. She is starting to get this with Max but their interactions have been minimal. It's worth noting that while her and Will clearly bonded, her behavior toward him at the skating rink was also a problem when she told Mike that she wanted the day to be "about you and me" and completely ignored Will. She knows him and Mike are friends and saw how excited he was at the airport, but she excludes him from the day. (No El hate here. I love her but she does have flaws that need to be acknowledged). It's one of the many reasons I find it frustrating when people blame only Mike for the breakdown of their relationship. Because it's both of them. Mike gets mean when he's forces to act like The Boyfriend. He doesn't want this role and it's pushed on him. And she has very limited experience with relationships in general and needs to learn more about herself and the people she interacts with. These 2 scenes are meant to be parallels. Under very similar circumstances, one relationship breaks down while the other thrives.

#byler #anti mileven #mike wheeler #gay mike wheeler #will byers #mike x will #eleven hopper

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walker-extended-universe · 20 days

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4x06 Review

"We All Fall Down" was another pretty apt title and it only has me concerned for future episodes. The promo for this episode made me think it would be a lighter one but I really should've known better.

This time, I'm going to take this review in order of which plots occupy my brain, in order from least to most Brain Spin-age.

We're starting off with the only actually fluffy part of the episode: Liam and Ben! They don't have much of a role but it does well in progressing their relationship.

We start with Liam doing PT under Ben's supervision. When Cordell comes in to voice his concerns over Stella and August potentially avoiding him and Geri, Ben speaks up about Normal Teenager Behavior but lets Liam steer the conversation toward Cordell's own insecurities about his future.

Later in the episode, we get a sweet moment between them discussing their own future. Ben says he wants to quit his job at the liquor store and start doing event planning with Abby full time, which is likely going to lead to him moving to the ranch as well. Liam is happy about this but cautions him that eventually his parents are going to retire and Ben will probably have to take on more when that happens. Luckily for him, it seems Ben was aware of that and doesn't mind at all.

This was a sweet break in the middle of all the angst we go this episode. Speaking of....

Let's talk about what our Amateur Investigators were up to.

After a thrilling flashback of Hoyt stealing the necklace five years ago with his friend, Mehar, we find out that Stella and August have been continuing their search by asking Cordell and Geri pointed but non-suspicious questions and going on their own little adventures trying to find where Hoyt might have hid it. When Geri points them to Mehar, Stella sneaks his phone number out of Geri's contacts to set up a meeting.

While August is still mostly on board, he is starting to question if it's smart to do this on their own. Do they really want the first adult to ask for help to be a known criminal? Stella is too frustrated by the situation to really listen to him and insists she's all the adult supervision they need.

Side note: They're probably going to have to come clean eventually and I very much look forward to the fallout.

They get their meeting with Mehar but he's not inclined to help them. Fortunately, Stella thought ahead and decided to set him up for a robbery, prompting him to steal her wallet for her university ID to break into an exhibit.

They ditch family dinner for the robbery and Stella creates a distraction by blaming August for stealing her wallet so that she can approach Mehar and offer him help in exchange for information. This all miraculously goes off without a hitch, promptign Mehar to tell them everything he knows, which is unfortunately not much- except that he met with a man named Duke before fully ditching him and losing the necklace. That being, Duke Culpepper.

We get two more flashbacks that relate to this story. The first is a flashback of Hoyt meeting with "Duke". Cordell is 3 months undercover and he's not doing well, so he called Hoyt to ask him to deliver some letters to Stella and August, just in case. Hoyt takes the letters but refuses to deliver them, because Cordell will make it back.

The second flashback is Hoyt visiting Emily's grave with the necklace and running into Geri. I love a lot about this scene but the main things that stick out to me is 1) the reference to Hoyt and Emily having their own friendship outside of Geri and Cordell and 2) showcasing that Geri was clearly considering stepping out of her relationship with Hoyt before she'd even considered a relationship with Cordell. It's a nice touch.

Side note: We all agree Hoyt hid the necklace in Emily's grave, right?

We pick back up with the kids when they come home to their missed family dinner, which leads us right to our next plot: Cordell's inability to handle and empty nest and how he's taking that out on everyone else in his life.

In this episode, Cordell is excited at the prospect of asking Geri to move in. He's been trying to get this train rolling all of winter break but Stella and August seem to be avoiding him and he thinks it's because they don't like where his relationship with Geri is going. He tells them to be back for dinner that night as a last ditch effort to have this conversation and make it happen.

Unfortunately, they don't show up as they're busy with Other Things and Cordell starts letting some of his frustration show. Geri tries to calm him down and while they talk he lets it slip that he wants her to move in. Geri is initially ecstatic about this idea and accepts when he finally asks her.

But the night only gets derailed from there, both with James coming in and with the kids finally making their way home. Cordell is beyond pissed at them and starts finally letting some of his frustrations show. He admits that he never really agreed with letting them have their "space" and "independence" and just did it because he believed he should. He also lambasts them for having a "problem" with him and Geri getting more serious and announces that she WILL be moving in, no further discussion, which is a surprise to everyone in the room- including Geri. Stella and August try to get a word in but he's not having it, instead demanding that they both be home more because he's tired of them always running away.

Side note: Really proving your brother's point there Cordell.....

The next day he seems awfully proud of himself for how he handled all that and hands Geri a furniture catalog so that she can start decorating, which will surely make everything better. No way that could go wrong :)

Geri instead pumps the breaks on her moving in. She does want to move in, but she didn't want it to come out the way it did. She wanted Cordell to talk to his kids and get their blessing, not drop a bomb on their relationship. She says they'll talk when she gets back from OKC but he needs to get a handle on himself first.

This is, of course, not what Cordell wants to hear and shortly after she leaves, he starts gravitating toward James personal notes on the Jackal case.

Finally, we need to talk about James and how poorly he's handling this case.

We start this plot out with Cassie and Trey setting up a meeting room for the Jackal Survivors Network to meet with the rangers on the case. While they set up, they speculate about the nominations for the new lieutenant position. Before they can talk too much about it, they're interrupted by James who gives them the agenda for the day. Cassie will be meeting the JSN with him while Trey meets up with the crime labs to put together a psych profile with the new evidence they've received.

Later, we see the meeting isn't going too well but James seems to be mostly holding it together. During a break, Cassie approaches James about the new position and appears to think she's a shoe-in for the role. James firmly reminds her that he can't give her any guarantees, which Cassie takes offense too since she gave up a great opportunity with the FBI because he promised her more opportunities here.

Side note: between this scene and her reaction to Luna asking if she'd ever worked a serial killer case before, I have a feeling we're going to see her get her ego checked a bit later in the season.

In another scene, Trey also pokes the bear about the new position and James is just as cold about it, but Trey also notices that his captain isn't doing too well. He looks tired and unfocused. James assures him he's fine, but later we see that's not true when he shows up at the Walker ranch, drunk and officially kicked out of the house.

This is the lowest point we've seen James at so far and I have to admire Colby's acting in this scene. James explains that Kelly found out he broke his promise not to fall into drinking and kicked him out of the house in front of DJ. Cordell tries to assure him they can fix this and pick his friend back up, but James is self-aware enough to know it won't be that easy. He tells Cordell he's taking a step back from the case and asks him to take over, even leaving his personal notes in Cordell's hands. Cordell takes it and again tries to assure James that they can figure this out; he picked himself up once, he can do it again.

The next day at HQ, James is looking better. Trey and Cassie both try to apologize for overstepping about the lieutenant position and he assures them that it's fine. In fact, they're both in the running. They just need to prove themselves worthy.

This episode was so much more intense than I was expecting and, since we've reached the halfway point, I can only imagine it's going to get more intense from here. Our two biggest plots are ramping up and, looking at the synopses for upcoming episodes, it's only getting crazier. And I have so many questions for how that's going to work. Is the Jackal really related to this mess with the necklace? Will the necklace be found and will that solve Stella's problems? Will Mehar return? Will Geri return after the mess Cordell made? How will James bounce back from his rock bottom? Will Cordell manage to keep a balance where James failed? Who is going to be lieutenant and why was this position not open before? And why should it be Randall?

See y'all next week

#walker #walker spoilers #s04e06 #we all fall down #walker review

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shina913 · 2 years

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On Tilt, Part 2 | KNJ

On Tilt, Part 2

Definition: a poker term for a state of mental or emotional confusion or frustration in which a player adopts a suboptimal strategy, usually resulting in the player becoming overly aggressive.

On Tilt Masterlist

Pairing: Namjoon x Fem!Reader

Rating: M 🔞

Genre: idol!AU; strangers-to-FWB-to-lovers; toxic relationship; angst; fluff; smut

Warnings: unhealthy/toxic relationship dynamic; cussing; pining; unrequited love; vulnerable confessions

Summary: You’ve said time and time again that you wouldn’t lose yourself to him. You were in control now. You were going to make better choices. For a minute there, you were able to keep up with it. It wasn’t ‘til Namjoon’s extended break that you found yourself falling into old habits. Will you ever learn to quit Kim Namjoon?

Word count: 3.3K words

A/N: You'll need to read Part 2.1 as I make some references to past conversations there. This chapter is pretty SFW. I don't go into the timeline specifics too much (in case I lose track and it bites me in the ass in future chapters 😂) but, let's just say Joon and OC have known each other for at least 5ish years. They've gone through this whole back-and-forth thing for a while so...it's shit-or-get-off-the-pot time!

“What about next week?"

“No, Namjoon.”

He grumbled on the other line. “How come? I can fit you in—“

“I don’t want you to fit me in.” You interject, not bothering to hide your exasperation.

“Well…how much time do you need?”

With a growl, you snapped into the phone. “As long as I want!”

“C’mon, you’re not being fair.” His tone was accusatory and a little whiny. It only agitated you further.

“Oh, and you are?”

That shut him up for a few seconds. Then, you hear a familiar creak in the background…it was the sound his chair made whenever he reclined it at the studio.

His voice softened. “Can I please just see you so that we can talk about this?”

“No,” you say decisively. “I need time to think and clear my head. In order to do that, I need a break from you, Namjoon.”

******

You told Lani about your much-needed Namjoon hiatus. You felt as if you were losing control again. You were back to setting expectations and getting disappointed and you couldn't help it.

“I thought you said you guys were back to…I don’t know…just having sex?”

You sighed deeply. “I just wanted to keep it simple. Now, he says things like, he wants to take me away for a weekend by the coast…alone.”

Lani snorted. “Welp…it’s not like that’s not happening anyway.”

“I know that,” you sighed again. “Is it bad I feel guilty for pushing him away?”

She smiled softly at you. “YN…you and Namjoon…I don’t think I can ever imagine a scenario where you guys don’t end up together.”

You scoffed and picked at your cuticles. “Jia would beg to differ,” you muttered.

Lani rolled her eyes at you. “Jia has her own opinions about Namjoon. She’s never seen how you guys started out. She’s never seen the friendship you had…and that bond.”

You and Jia met while you were interns at the same company. You and Namjoon had been sleeping around for a year at that point.

You cleared your throat. “Yeah…I remember she found it really strange that Namjoon and I would just meet up, sleep together, and then hang out like nothing happened.”

She laughed. “But that’s how you guys are. Jia has a whole concept of what a proper relationship should be…what normal dating looks like; true love and soulmates. I swear to god, those romance novels that she reads are getting to her head.”

You fell silent for a bit. Although, Jia made a fair point when it came to her thoughts about dating. She’s all about commitment, monogamy, having a clear set of rules…and love. There had to be love or a potential for it. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time.

“She cares, though.”

“Oh, I know,” Lani agreed. “We just want you to be happy, YN. She thinks you’d be happier without Namjoon since he’s so flaky.”

“And what do you think?”

Lani propped her elbow on the back of the couch and leaned her head against her hand. “In my opinion, I think that you and Namjoon want the same thing but you’re both scared to take a chance. But…what Jia and I think don’t really matter. At the end of that day, it’s what you want and your choice.”

She stares you down silently where you sat on the couch.

After a beat, you swallow the lump in your throat. “I love him, Lani…fuck.” As soon as the words left your mouth, you threw your head backwards, holding back tears. You’d been in denial for so long.

She scoots closer, pulling you into a tight hug. You rest your chin on her shoulder. “I know. I’ve known for a while,” she says softly. “Took you long enough to say it.”

When you pull away from her, your shoulders slump. “I don’t know what to do. I want him but…everything’s just so complicated.”

She then looked at you sternly. “If you want him, tell him that. And I sure as hell know that he wants you, too. I honestly don’t know why he’s being so cagey about it.”

Namjoon always played his cards close to his chest. One way or another, you’d get him to reveal his hand. It was time to sweeten the pot and hope that your gamble will pay off.

******

“Uhm–a-are you gonna get that?” Your client awkwardly asks.

Your eyes momentarily drift to your phone that keeps blinking from several incoming calls that you’ve been rejecting.

It was Namjoon. Again. He wasn’t deterred by the ‘do not disturb’ notification that had you blocking calls and texts from him.

He gave you space…it lasted…all but two days before he cracked.

“Nope,” you respond, picking up your phone and shoving it in your top drawer to avoid any more distractions. “Sorry about that. I should have done that in the beginning.”

He chuckled. “Looks like somebody needs to get a hold of you desperately…” Then they look around your office, which currently contained five different arrangements of gardenias, including a potted one. “Or…they messed up big time. Besides, isn’t it a little too cold for these to be in season?”

You responded with a tight smile, guessing that Namjoon found some obscure nursery that had temperature-controlled greenhouses. “Someone’s just very grateful for the book advance that they received from us,” you lied.

“Ah,” your client mouthed. “Would I be getting that same deal?” He asks hopefully.

Before you could answer, the office assistant, Emily, knocks at your door. You look up to find her with another vase of gardenias in her hands.

“Hey, YN. I’m so sorry to interrupt. These came in for you.”

You apologized again to your client for the interruption then walked over to your door to take the vase. You plucked the card out of the arrangement and flipped the top to read it. It only contained one word–’Please.’ With a huff, you set the vase next to one that you already had on one of your shelves.

You thanked Emily and returned to your desk, choosing to focus on finishing up this contract negotiation rather than allowing yourself to be distracted by the heavenly scent that currently surrounded your office.

******

Namjoon had stopped calling after that last gardenia delivery. You got through the rest of the afternoon at work without a hitch and headed straight home after your meetings. When you get out of your car, you find a familiar black SUV by the curb.

Just when you thought you were home safe. You curse under your breath.

You hit the ‘lock’ button on your key fob and proceeded to walk up to your building’s entrance. As you close in, the passenger side door opens and out steps Namjoon. He was dressed casually, in oversized jeans and a lived-in sweatshirt that had the hood pulled all the way down to where it stopped right above his eyebrows.

“YN–”

“What are you doing here?”

“Can we…can we please talk inside?”

You weren’t ready yet. You had a half-baked plan in your head and you didn’t want to fuck this up. “Namjoon, I really—“

“Please?” He looked around your block to make sure that the coast was clear. “Or–we can talk in the car? I can tell hyung to give us some privacy,” he says, referring to his driver.

You sighed. Lani was spending the weekend at her parents’ on account of her baby niece’s first birthday. Suddenly, you wished that she was here so you’d have an excuse to make him leave.

Instead, you relent and you take the elevator up to your apartment.

You tossed your coat and keys on the couch but left your heels on. You never thought you’d find Namjoon standing in the middle of your living room again. You purposely didn’t bring him to your building anymore in case some crazy fan takes a snap and posts it all over social media.

You stood facing each other–him, closer to the doorway and you, by the couch. You crossed your arms over your chest and waited for him to speak.

“Okay—you wanted to talk. So…talk,” you say with a hint of impatience.

He opened his mouth briefly but shut it again to gnaw at his bottom lip, looking conflicted as to how he should start this conversation.

Finally, he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about what happened last weekend. It’s just that one of my producers called to tell me that this artist whom I’ve been dying to work with was in town and had a small window…It was such a huge opportunity and I…” he stopped mid-sentence. “Look, I’m really sorry that I had to cancel on you. Could we—“

It was the same tune, each and every time. You shook your head.

“You don’t have to explain it to me. That’s your job. You work odd hours, all hours–and you love it.” You sounded resigned. He always proclaimed how much he loved music and that he was living his dreams.

He shifts his weight on his feet. “Did you get my flowers?”

You rolled your eyes at the subject change. “Yes, but you didn’t have to go overboard and make my office look like a whole botanical garden.”

“Because you haven’t taken my calls or answered my texts. What was I supposed to do?”

You shrugged. “Go about your life like you normally do? I don’t know!” You stare at each other silently for a few beats before you let out a heavy sigh and grip your forehead, a migraine building up. “Look…can we just do this some other time? I’ve had a really long day–”

“So have I, but at least I was grown up enough to pick up the phone,” he retorts.

You scoffed at him. “Don’t start that shit with me, Kim Namjoon!” Your pulse rose along with your voice. “What part of ‘I need time to think’ didn’t you understand? Your response to that was disrupting my work week with your nonstop calls. And the flowers–” you groaned, regretting telling him that they were your favorite. “Now here you are, showing up unannounced at my place–”

“I needed to talk to you, YN! I wanted to make sure that we were okay.”

“‘Okay?’” You repeated with a sharp edge in your voice. You chuckle bitterly. “Namjoon, this isn’t exactly new for us. You live on airplanes and hotels for months at a time. And then you come back to town, hit me up, we fuck…” You throw your hands up then drop them to your sides. “After we’ve had our fun, we’re back in that same cycle.”

Years ago, you struggled with that. Were you lovers? Were you in a relationship? What were you to him? What was he to you?

“What are we doing?”

Your question seems to take him aback. “W-what?”

“What are we doing? What is…what is this?”

“We’re…” he stops, his mouth partially open, as if there was something that desperately wanted to jump off the tip of his tongue…but he just held it there. “We’re f-friends. Really good friends.”

You swallow dryly. “It might have started off that way. And sure that was all fun…when we were younger. But we’re way past that, don’t you think?”

He stared at you blankly as he let your words sink in.

You lifted a shoulder. “For years, we’ve done this whole dance. Are we or are we not in a relationship? We always table that conversation. But you know what? I’m really getting tired of it.”

You see his eyebrows crease from beneath the shadow of his hood.

“W-wait…? Tired? What do you…what are you saying?”

This was much easier the first time. You were dating someone else and it had the potential to grow into something more. You had a backup plan then. Not this time. There was no one waiting in the wings. No safety net.

It was just you and him.

“I’m saying that…” you sighed deeply, knowing that this could change things between you two. After taking some time to think about it, you’d made up your mind. You square your shoulders, straighten your stance, and look him straight in the eye. “I want more, Namjoon.”

He regarded you intently. You see his facial expression change, his jaw ticking furiously. It’s not like he didn’t want to give you more. But things were complicated…and this whole time you gave him an out for that.

After thinking about it, you decide—not anymore. You knew that he was capable of giving you more but you didn’t know why he was holding back.

It wasn’t the band or management. It was something else and you were determined to find out what that was.

He scrambles for an explanation. “The extended break is going to give us more time together. I’ll try to work on that, I promise.”

“I don’t want you to ‘try’. I want you to want to do it. Because if you can’t…or won’t…then we need to end this now.”

Panic spread throughout his face. He pulled off his hood, making his hair flop over his forehead and took two strides to close the gap between you. He placed his hands on your arms.

“Look…don’t…don’t end this, please. Please, YN…”

“Why shouldn’t I? Give me a reason.”

You awaited his answer but he seemed to struggle with his words. You shrug off his hold and turn around to walk into your kitchen. You grabbed a glass from the cabinet and pulled out the bottle of vodka that Lani kept in the freezer and poured yourself a shot, which you downed swiftly.

You turned to face him again to find him standing behind you. “Do you ever think about the future, Namjoon?”

You were met with silence again.

“Because I do.” You felt your nose sting. “I used to not care so much about it years ago but I’ve thought about it recently. A lot, actually. I picture myself a year or two from now. What I’d like to be doing…and who I want to be with.” You sniffled, in an effort to keep the tears at bay.

“Do you think about things like that?” Your chest rose and fell, your anxious breaths filling the silence in between.

“All the time,” he answered confidently.

“Really?” You watched him take careful steps towards you. He takes the bottle and pushes it into the far corner of the kitchen counter, away from you.

“Yes. I’ve always thought about the future…” He gently reaches for your hand to rest it on his chest. “And how much I really want you to be part of it.”

You sighed. “That’s not enough to make me stay.”

“I know.”

“So, how? How can I be part of this future when you won’t meet me in the middle?”

His grip tightened around your hand. “I’ve been unfair to you. Somehow, I always felt like you’d always be around and–that was stupid of me to assume…especially…that first time.” The first time you ended things.

“We needed some time to grow. I needed time to grow and I just felt like…I was stuck since I didn’t know what my place was in your life.”

“And I never meant to make you feel that way…that I hold you back.” He added immediately. “That’s why…” he sighed heavily. “That's why I didn’t really say anything before.”

Your mouth drops slightly as realization sets in. That was why he stepped aside. You thought that he didn’t care because he let you go so easily.

“You let me get away with half-assing things with you when I really should have been putting in the same effort…or more. It’s what you deserve.” His eyes flicked downwards and he hung his head.

“Hey, look at me,” you demanded. He lifted his head. “From now on, I want us to have an open and honest conversation about this relationship. I’m done with your whole spiel of, ‘I don’t want to define this because it adds undue pressure’ and all that bullshit. If you want me to stay, I want you to tell me…” you tilted your chin up. “Give me a reason,” you punctuate each word, repeating your earlier question to him.

The corners of his lips twitched. “You want to hear me say it?”

You didn’t flinch. “I do.”

“You want me to say how I’ve felt about you all this time?”

“Yes, damn it! Tell me!”

“Alright,” he says after a beat.

His chest lifted, releasing a sharp breath. “You matter to me, YN. You are,” he moistened his lips, “…one of the most important people in my life, if not the most important. And that’s not just a superlative,” he quickly added.

“The reason I’ve avoided the conversation is because…what I feel for you is so strong that it scares me, honestly. So I thought, if I didn’t define this…the stakes would be lower and maybe…it’s less likely that I’ll fuck this up.” His lips twisted wryly. “That worked out great, didn’t it?” He says sarcastically.

He exhaled again and raked his fingers through his hair. “Do you remember, years ago? When you first asked me what this whole thing was between us?”

You nodded.

“I meant what I said that night, years ago…that I didn’t want to disappoint you. But I did and that’s why you pulled away. You were right to do it. I was struggling to find a balance and I didn’t want to drag you down with me. After I thought about it more, I realized that if I ever got another chance with you, I promised that I would work my ass off to keep you in my life.”

Now it was your turn to be speechless. You’d told him as much the first time you ended things. You didn’t want to keep filling those gaps that he left.

You weren’t that young, bright-eyed university girl anymore. You were more experienced now and practical. Was it really going to be that easy for him? You couldn’t help but be slightly skeptical.

“What about your career? Don’t you need to focus on your solo album?”

“I do…but I will find a way to figure things out for us. I’ll talk to management and since the members and I are taking a break from group schedules, I only have myself and my own work to consider. I’m sure they’ll allow me that privilege after all the years I’ve given to the group, to the company…not to mention all of the money I helped bring in,” he finishes smugly.

So, was this it? Was he really going to try this time?

“The group, my album, my career…those are all important to me. But you are, too–on a whole different level. I don’t want to lose you again and I will do everything that I can to keep you.” He kept his gaze at you then let out a nervous breath, “As long as you haven’t fully given up on me yet? Can I please get another chance to make things right with you?”

You were apprehensive, but this was more than he had ever given you before. Much more.

It was enough to reassure you. You nodded softly. “Okay,” you agree cautiously.

His mouth curved into the biggest smile ever. The joy in it could only be described as the look a kid would have as they walked into a room full of presents on their birthday.

In his excitement, he dipped his head to kiss you but you immediately put your fingers over his lips and tilted away from him.

“Nah-uh!” you tutted. “Not so fast, Kim! You’ve got to work for it first. You said so yourself!”

His dimples deepened as his lips moved against your fingertips. “Oh, you know I will,” he said before he nipped at them.

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Thank you so much for reading!

If you loved it, please comment, reblog, or send me feedback! 📩. I love hearing from readers! If you didn’t like it so much, I would still like to hear about it. Help me become a better writer! 💜

Tagging: @internetjunkdrawer @deepseavibez @itdoesntmatterwhy @yu-justme @e-cm @serendididy @onlythehobi @yoonallthetime @majamarantha @jinjccns @joonbo

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defiedlife · 28 days

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META + love (Aventurine)

send [ META ] + a word / phrase / person / etc for a headcanon.

Love is such a loaded concept for Aventurine. I cannot stress this enough. Despite everything he's been through, he has so much love to give to others, just as he always has. Let's talk familial first, since that's where it all started—

He's never forgotten where he came from, and for as far back as he can remember (which is nearly as far back as possible; he's got an excellent memory), he has always loved his family, even the father he never met. Even though they're all gone, they're still the most important people in his life, and he loves them vastly more than he loves himself. His mother, father, and older sister will always, always have a special place in his heart. They were his whole world once, and the only source of any type of true love he has ever known. He knows he was deeply loved by them, and they're the main reason he's been able to hold onto the concept of love and believe in it despite all the trauma and tragedy he has survived since then.

He doesn't currently have anyone else he specifically regards as family, but he wishes that he did. He sorely misses his family on a daily basis, and he will always long to have someone in his life to fill that void—not to replace his lost loved ones, but to let him feel that same kind of love again and remind him that it still exists in more places than his memory.

Now, onto platonic love—mainly friendship, since he doesn't definitively have any platonic relationships that go deeper than that. That said, buckle up.

First of all, let me put this out there—no, friends are not "weapons of the Avgins," nor did his parents teach him that. That was a bluff he came up with on the spot, likely to serve two purposes; one, to make himself seem a little less pathetic after openly admitting he never had a formal education, and two (and more importantly), to give anyone observing his conversation with Ratio a reason to believe it to be normal (rather than strange or desperate) that he'd go around Penacony collecting new allies like one might collect coins or marbles.

Weaponizing friendships is, however, both a defensive and offensive technique that he has come to utilize and lean on when necessary. He doesn't take any pride in doing so, but if it's his best course of action to achieve an important goal, he'll go for it—with one caveat.

He will never, ever use another person he cares about in order to advance his schemes if he believes doing so would put them in any real danger. In his plans, the only person in any significant danger will only ever be himself. No one else gets hurt; not if he can help it. No one.

This is because, despite how things might seem on the surface, friendships are genuinely important to him. Yes, he'll make a friend and probably mentally catalogue how knowing this specific person could come in handy in the future, but that's due to force of habit at this point. It's an ingrained nature; one he wishes he could do without, but he can't afford to let that habit go because it helps him survive. If he could, he would, because just like wanting a family again, he craves true friendship. This desire is a little more repressed than his desire for a family, precisely because he does have that bad habit of also seeing friends as potential tools, but it's there nonetheless.

He wants so badly to just have a fun night out with friends, or be able to drop by someone's home to hang out, or have a trusted friend he can confide in and vent to; someone who will actually care if he's sick or hurt or having a bad day. Unfortunately, such relationships are few and far between for him, a result partially of his own making and partly due to his trauma and the awful prejudice and stereotypes surrounding Avgins. He tends to make "friends," but keep most people at arm's length to protect himself, either because he's wary of letting them in, because their attitude towards him is negative from the outset, or both.

Thirdly—romantic love. As with friendship, he craves it. It's a craving he feels down to his very soul, and there's nothing he can do that will permanently quiet it short of actually attaining that love. But it's just a beautiful daydream, or so he often thinks. He will pine and hope and try so hard to gain a person's attention and affection if he's interested, but at the end of the day, deep down, he feels he's unworthy of it.

That's not to say he'd be a bad partner; far from it. He'd be attentive to his partner's needs both physically and emotionally, and so long as he can help it, they'll never want for anything. As a Stoneheart, he has ample funds and means to spoil his s/o, and so he can and will. Attention, gifts, and acts of service are all well within his love language wheelhouse. Just...don't ask him to do anything in the kitchen unless he has clear instructions or a recipe to follow and knows how to properly use all the required ingredients, utensils, and appliances. He did not grow up with any kind of kitchen, and no one ever taught him how to cook or bake. Please forgive him.

I already talked at length about his preferences and what draws him to a potential partner here and here, so I won't go into all of that again so soon.

Lastly, I wanna talk a little about Aventurine and self-love. As hinted at a couple paragraphs ago, he really...has none. He knows he was lovable and beloved once, but that was when he was a little kid and his childhood was as good as it was ever going to get. Even back then, though he was loved, he also kept hearing how special he was; how he was chosen by Gaiathra Triclops and blessed with luck, and how much rested on his shoulders as a result. Ever since then, his self-worth and self-love have taken a rapid nosedive. On many an occasion, he's felt that his luck is all he's worth, and that if his luck is the reason he survives while so many others around him keep suffering or dying, it's not worth much to him even though it's all he has.

Deep down, in his own eyes, he's a murderer, a coward, and a failure who always loses so much more than he ever truly wins. He hides it with flashy, expensive clothing and accessories and puts on a smile, but none of that will take away the pain. He spoils himself with luxury to take the edge off, but it's never enough, and he sometimes wonders if he really deserves to have such nice things when he has no one to share them with.

As I said at the beginning, he has so much love to give, and he desperately wants to give it. He just needs the opportunity. He needs to learn that he's worth more than his luck and not a commodity to be bought and sold. He needs to learn that he's still worth loving in return despite his origins and the person he has become.

#* || ooc #* || aventurine #* || headcanon #I knew going into this that'd it be long but jfc @ me #I wrote so much so I hope this isn't too rambly dflkjsa #I added the separators to break it up a bit so hopefully that helps ;;

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toughknit · 27 days

Text

ok let me put a few thoughts into words in order to share them. i had a very stressful, insightful and beautiful conversation with ****** today about relationships, labels, and feelings. for months now ive been working on my master's project which is roughly about truth as affective & sensical and not as what is or appears most meaningful. feelings vs language. so this is all ive been thinking about non stop. in my healing journey, i found out that i needed my relationships to be unconventionnal in order for me to love -- i'm just someone who loves very deeply and who sees through people, i can't help it, and that's what gets me in trouble when insecure people want to take advantage of that. i needed to learn that about myself in order to protect myself and seek relationships that fulfill me and welcomed that nurturing that is so easy and natural for me to extend. the word "friendship" is what i use to communicate with people and relate to them, but to me it is more a concept than a word; at the very least, its conventionnal definition is closest to what makes sense according to what i'm feeling for people. for example, if i'm ever to start dating someone, they will have to be okay with the fact that all my friends are on the same level as the romantic relationship, and that in fact i might want to act romantically towards my friends even if we don't share physical intimacy. language is a structure that has been incredibly harmful on my mind because of the meaning attached to every word. for the longest time it felt like everything, down to my very own sense of self, was at stake because of meaning and the possibility of misunderstanding. it is impossible to translate feelings into words, feelings are information on their own and it is active/activating. what remains true at all times are the feelings i feel, because they come from within, and they always make sense. language is something i learned and that is constantly moving within society. when you intellectualize feelings, you put meaning on them and you bind them in a structure. i'm not one who needs structure or habits in general, i like to be able to change my mind and experience new things, so it's easier for me to say. but within relationships, which are in my experience all about feelings, putting words and labels on someone or a dynamic that you have with someone is a way to describe it and is not definitive. or even effective. it traps sense and desires in a structure. language helps you go through things, but what you're always going through is your own feelings and your own perception; nothing means anything unless you decide to. everyone has the power to find truth within themselves by precisely proving their own existence to themselves; putting truth and meaning together creates discourse, narrative and ideology which has the potential to be incredibly restrictive and as we know from power dynamics(!) within societal structures, harmful. when you seek meaning you seek understanding, which is a very human thing to do; but there is no understanding without affect, and meaning has no affect, it has been produced and seeped through language, which is conveniently what you use to compartmentalize your feelings and organize your perception. therefore to me, truth is what affectively makes sense to yourself alone, before language, and what is true to you may change as your perception of yourself evolves.

#diary #and meaning as a visual and historical representation helps you See yourself. but it is not you.

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soonyoungblr · 1 year

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nine — #TEAMCHARLIE

pairing: yoon jeonghan x gender neutral reader

warnings: cursing, mentions of alcohol, soonyoung being a drunk mess

genre: comedy, a bit angsty

word count: 0.9k

previous • masterlist • next

taglist: @honeyhuii @soobin-chois @fylithia @enhacolor @ja4hyvn @bambisgirl @hiqhkey @its-madi @snowwonnie @yizhoutv @shuatm @end-hyphen @yeosangiehwa @kayleeshinee @joonsytip @justasoftstan @strawberri-uyu @90s-belladonna @hochipochi @sunflowerbebe07 @mingiholic @strawberry-shortest-cake @sbnchaos @l33j3n8 @nar-nia @sollum

a/n: progress, maybe on their potential friendship? 👀

As you and the boys reached the club, the place was jumping, which was totally not your style anymore. The sweaty bodies brushing against each other, the tops of people's drinks spilling over onto the floor making it a slip hazard for anyone not watching their step. You already felt suffocated, the heat of the club making you feel hot.

"Come on, let's get a drink." Seungkwan holds your hand tight as he pulls you through the crowd of bodies. You lean on the bar as the bartender continues to serve other guests, "I'll buy the first round. What do you want?"

"Just a vodka and coke is fine, thanks, Kwan." As the bartender comes over to take your order, your eyes wander across the floor, trying to spot where the others have gotten to. You see that Joshua, Vernon, Chan and Soonyoung have managed to secure a table on the first floor by the stairs.

As you and Seungkwan make your way to your table, your eyes scan the room, before they fall on Mingyu, who is currently being swarmed by a random group of three girls. He frantically looks around the room and when his eyes connect with yours, he mouths, “Help me.” which Seungkwan spots and swoops in to assist.

As the boys engaged in random conversation, your eyes wandered again, only to notice Jeonghan on the second floor, looking how you were feeling: miserable. His friend, Jun, was yelling over the loud music about how his lecturer scolded him for something that wasn’t his fault and Jeonghan was hardly listening. He must have sensed someone’s eyes on him because he turned to look to where you and the boys were sitting. Luck was on your side as Seungkwan’s hands grabbing you drew your attention onto your friend instead.

As soon as Beyoncè started playing, Seungkwan was on his feet grabbing you and Soonyoung and dragging you to the dance floor, leaving the rest of the group shaking their heads as if to say here we go again. You all know how much her songs bring out the inner Beyoncè in Seungkwan.

It had been about an hour since you arrived at the club, and you were still not 100% feeling it and wanting to go home and watch Twilight. While you’re feeling a little on the tipsy side, Soonyoung is drunk and is already annoying you a little about Mingyu. Now you know why Seungkwan mentioned he wasn’t the only one who noticed.

His words slightly slurred, Soonyoung leans in to ask a question he’s been wanting to ask for a while, “Y/n, come on, would you really turn Mingyu down if he asked you out?”

You shake your head, repeating his actions, “I don’t like him like that. He’s like a brother to me, I will never see him romantically.”

“Y/n, you would look so cute together!” He swings his arm around you, raising his glass to the group who are looking over at you two, shaking their heads and laughing. You spot Seungkwan next to you and ask him to look after Soonyoung while you take a breather on the balcony upstairs.

As the cold air hits your face, you feel relieved. You look ahead, leaning on the railing of the balcony, taking in the beautiful sights of city life in front of you. The city was always raving on a Saturday night.

You take no notice of the shuffle of feet behind you, until you hear a quiet voice calling out to you, which makes you turn your head slightly to the left, only to see Jeonghan a few feet away from you, “You hiding out here, too?”

“I guess you could say that.”

He, himself, mirrors you, looking out into the sea of people in the city, “Not a big party person?”

“Not really. I used to like a club, but I think this is my first time on a night out in about a year and I would rather go home and just watch movies with the guys. I only agreed to come out so Soonyoung would watch Twilight with me."

“I didn't take you for a Twilight fan."

“Technically, it’s more of a guilty pleasure. The movies are kinda cringey, but I still enjoy them.”

“If it’s such a guilty pleasure, then why did you tell me, of all people?” You turn to shoot him a glare but as soon as you do, he laughs, “I’m kidding, To be honest, I kinda also like the Twilight movies but they should have focused more on Charlie, he's the only character with good intentions."

"I love Charlie. Bella just constantly treats her Dad like crap and he puts up with it and it saddens me. I would watch a movie with just him."

Silence falls, neither of you breathe a word to each other for a couple of minutes. At least you two didn't argue with each other. You smile, maybe this won't be as bad as you thought.

"Hey, so… I have an idea for the—"

"Y/n! There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you. We're heading shortly, you ready to go? Oh, hi, Jeonghan."

"Hey." You can feel a shift in the air as tension slowly grows between Jeonghan and Joshua.

"I'm honestly ready to watch Twilight movies with my favourite people."

Joshua is first to break eye contact with Jeonghan as he goes to wait for you inside, you start to follow him, "Jeonghan… What were you gonna say your idea was?"

"Hey, if you have the chance to go home and watch Twilight, take it. I'll see you on Monday."

You give him a soft smile, "See you Monday. Get home safe."

#—when our paths cross again ♡#kwritersworldnet #kdiarynet #seventeen smau #seventeen fanfic #seventeen fanfiction #seventeen fic #seventeen fake texts #seventeen sm au #seventeen social media au #svt fic #svt sm au #svt smau #svt fake texts #svt fanfiction #svt social media au #svt fanfic #yoon jeonghan x gender neutral reader

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mixelation · 2 years

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A long time ago, someone asked if I could summarize what each Akatsuki member thinks of Tori, and I said I'd answer after Chp 16. So here we go!! This is also useful for my own organization.

In order of their meetings:

Hidan: Hidan genuinely thought she was discount death god for a second there, and her persistence in existing near him both embarrasses him and pisses him off. He feels weirdly vindicated by every manipulative piece of trickery she pulls off, because that means he wasn't tricked by some random idiot. He thinks she's pretentious and stuck-up and occasionally pathetic, but her more unhinged bullshit is entertaining. His hatred for her has started mellowing out with time and carefully crafted narrative bonding time, but she's far from his favorite coworker.

Kakuzu: Kakuzu does not have strong feelings about Tori. He doesn't think tricking Hidan or Deidara is much of an accomplishment. She's consistently been acceptably competent at the Akatsuki-related tasks he's had to work with her on, sometimes to a surprising degree. He's still salty about her breaking one of his expensive storage scrolls, and he's probably never going to let her stop making replacements. He has noticed she's probably more innately dangerous than the way they've been treating her would imply, but he considers this none of his business.

Sasori: Sasori considers Tori a useful hostage right off the bat, and she also manages to run away from him with nothing but her own wits. That chapter got a lot of criticisms along the lines of "what was the point of that if it didn't change the outcome," and the answer is: it did change the potential for the dynamic between Tori and the rest of the Akatsuki. Sasori recognizes that Tori is clever and has skills potentially useful to him, and he's really not surprised when she pulls out newer and weirder fuinjutsu techniques, because why wouldn't she? There are aspects of her personality he doesn't care for, but she can keep up with him in conversation. As of chapter 15, Sasori was probably the member who liked her the most. Unfortunately friendship with Sasori wins you unsolicited comments about your appearance and being poisoned.

Deidara: Deidara starts off pretty neutral about Tori. She's a convenient excuse to force Sasori into doing things Deidara wants, but he doesn't actually care about her on a personal level until she makes a fool of him. Then he really dislikes her for a bit. Then they come to a weird understanding. Deidara is... volatile. Tori escapes having a life-long grudge against her because, unlike Itachi, she does like talking about ~art~. They are mutually down for doing stupid experiments while drinking, so their dynamic is slowly shifting into something more like an actual friendship, which is why he follows her around for a chunk of chapter 16.

Itachi: Tori stresses Itachi out so much. He was not impressed by their first meeting and then immediately realizes she could ruin his entire life's plan with one word to the wrong person. This freak out is not completely apparent to Tori because she her own problems to worry about over Itachi's personal problems, but Obito does have to talk him down from murdering her. His more domestic interactions with her convince him that she is: sometimes annoying but otherwise perfectly fine company. Their interests and personalities aren't super aligned, but god help you if you say something stupid and both of them attempt to correct you. Itachi's nerves were soothed slightly by Tori telling him she doesn't give enough of a shit about his problems to go blabbing to other people, and also by the fact that while drunk and also genjutsu, she just talks about grass.She's fine. The fact that she had the ability to do wild fuinjutsu with her own blood all along and they were just letting her wander around is sort of upsetting, but it's fine. Everything is fine.

Kisame: Kisame also doesn't have super strong opinions on Tori. She's fine? Why is Itachi so stressed? He has noticed that she... sometimes just does things which are completely unhinged? But so do all his coworkers. He's not super interested in her skillset beyond "does it work, y/n" because he values combat over other things, but at the same time he doesn't mind hanging out with her. Kisame is one of the members more likely to actually trust Tori, because he doesn't see her as someone who'd have a reason to work against him, and his life experience make him likely to go, "well, she's one of those lofty thinking-types, so she's probably right."

Pein and Konan: Honestly, they probably like her more for administrative assistance than anything else. She makes sassy comments, but she also shows up and figures out how to translate multiple insane accounts of the same mission into a cohesive report. She hasn't had a weeping breakdown that they know of the way they're pretty sure brining in other types of support would result. Sometimes she's funny? Plus she feeds herself and no one's killed her yet. 8/10 hostage.

Zetsu: What a weird new parameter. Her presence does not particularly change his plans, as she has yet to ever verbalize anything about Kaguya.

Obito: As the person who's interrogated her the most of the topic, Obito is not completely convinced Tori actually can see the future, but holy fuck does she have a lot of information she must have gotten from somewhere. He's mostly operating under the assumption that she has some other inexplicable kekkei genkai that she's chosen to lie about for some reason, because what else could it be? Obito does not hate her. Her attempting to weaponize the Tobi persona against him and other people is actually very entertaining. He thinks she's funny when she's mad.

#fic: plasticity

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xximpressions · 2 years

Text

Falling For Fairytales (7)

Anthony Bridgerton x black!reader

Series Summary: Taking a slight twist on your classic Cinderella story, you are the daughter of a Marquis who died when you were 18. Several years later, you are told by your stepmother that you must marry this season, or she will engage you to her elderly Uncle. Having no money of your own, you realize you are going to have to strategize if you are going to avoid such a fate. So it's a good thing you run into a Viscount who sees marriage as a battlefield.

Chapter Summary: Being the Diamond is not all glitz and glamour

Word Count: 1,578

A/N: Guys, writing this has become so much fun for me 😁!!! Please keep the feedback coming and more chapters will arrive in no time 😊

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Bridgerton Masterlist

____________________________________________________________

A few weeks had passed since your wonderful tea with the Bridgertons.

You were happy to say your friendship with Daphne had returned to what it once was, and your status as best friends had been reestablished.

You knew it was official when Lady Danbury informed you that it had been reported about in the Lady Whistledown column. Commending you for making such an advantageous friendship, the author of the column publicly wondered if your friendship was remade in order to get closer to a certain Viscount.

While you knew that it was a ridiculous notion, you also knew you could not fault the anonymous writer for coming up with such a theory. It did not escape your notice, or the notice of the ton, that every time you made plans with Daphne, her eldest brother seemed to accompany you both.

Whether it was a pleasant stroll through the park or a mundane trip to the modiste, he was never far behind when you were involved.

You soon grew used to his presence and began to happily anticipate being in it just as much as you looked forward to spending time with Daphne.

“If not more so.” You sometimes secretly thought to yourself.

And though you did not know it, Anthony was beginning to feel the same way.

Starting off by telling himself that he was only accompanying his sister in order to confirm his choice of wife, the Viscount had reached a point where he could no longer pretend seeing you was for practical reasons.

In fact, seeing you made him want to defy all logic.

Because logically speaking, he knew he should try to minimize the contact he had with you if you were to become his Viscountess. Knowing that any love that developed between you could only lead to devastation, Anthony had tried to keep you at arm's length.

But the more he got to see and interact with you, the more drawn in he became.

So he figured it was a good thing this Lady Whistledown had all but declared you as his in the latest issue. In the eyes of the ton, the appearance of a courtship was almost as binding as an actual one, and so made other potential suitors back off.

But while this worked in Anthony’s favor, he was unaware that it most certainly did not work in yours.

Your stepmother’s ultimatum had only begun to ring louder in your ears as time went on. The more time that passed without a proposal in sight, the closer you knew she was to victory. And while you would not change your friendship with the Bridgertons for one second, you had to admit that your reunification with them had unintentionally presented a few challenges.

To overcome these challenges, you and Lady Danbury agreed that it was in your best interest to mingle with as many eligible bachelors as you could at tonight’s ball.

Pulling out your most impressive gown, you easily drew attention as you and your Aunt entered the remarkable soiree.

You both had been making the rounds for a while when you unexpectedly ran into Lady Bridgerton. Stopping to converse for a moment, you were not surprised when you were soon joined by her eldest son.

Bowing before you, Anthony had just been about to ask you to dance when an older gentleman rudely pushed his way into your little circle and presumptuously stuck his hand out towards you.

“A dance, my Lady?”

His words formed a question, but his tone demanded compliance.

Not impressed with his manners, you tried to let him down gently.

“Thank you for the offer my Lord, however I am already engaged at the moment.”

And gave what you hoped was a kind, undeserving smile.

But that smile instantly disappeared when, instead of graciously accepting your refusal, the gentleman rolled his eyes and scoffed out,

“Do not be daft.”

Raising a brow of surprise, you said,

“Pardon?”

Jutting his hand out towards you once more, the man continued.

“Let us not pretend this will not be the best offer you get tonight, so try to be worthy of the title of ‘Diamond’ and accept the dance.”

You all stared at him for a moment with astonishment before Anthony calmly said with steel in his voice,

“I am not sure we understand your meaning, Sir.”

Glancing at Lord and Lady Bridgerton as if they were not in their right mind, the so-called gentleman turned back to eye you up and down with poorly concealed disdain before unabashedly saying,

“Well, look at her.”

Still not understanding what he was getting at, you all immediately froze with shock when he finished by explaining,

“Her color makes her undeserving of such an honor. It is only because the Queen favored her that she is worth anything.”

While you were in awe at this man’s audacity and boldness, you could not say you were entirely surprised.

However, what did surprise you was when Anthony took an aggressive step forward and threateningly asked,

“What did you just say?”

As if taken aback by the ferocity coming off of the Viscount, the pathetic man replied as if he had done nothing wrong.

“What? Her color alone makes her inferior.”

That seemed to be Anthony’s breaking point as you saw that familiar thunder cloud his face. But before he could do anything, your pride made you speak up first.

“You are wrong.” You said with so much strength, the lowly Baron standing in front of you paused and offendedly said,

“Excuse me?”

Looking him directly in the eye, you repeated yourself.

“You are wrong.” Making sure to emphasize that you were talking to him.

“My color alone means I will endure more than you could ever hope to handle with more grace you could ever hope to possess.”

Taking an unafraid step into his personal space to ensure your point got across, you continued.

“Either way, that will not take away from the fact that you are a Baron and I am the daughter of a Marquis. I will always be your superior in every situation, and you would do well to remember that.”

Done with your dress-down, you returned to your original place by Anthony’s side. With a kind smile that did not match your tone, you finished the last words you ever wanted to say to such a vile person.

“Now, be a dear and politely excuse yourself once more so I no longer have to remain in your abhorrent presence.”

You all watched as he gaped at you like a dying fish before he embarrassedly gave a quiet, “Excuse me,” before hurriedly walking away.

After he was far removed from your group, your two maternal figures and the young Viscount turned towards you feeling both impressed at your words and concerned for your wellbeing.

Suddenly feeling overwhelmed at the attention, you abruptly said,

“It is a bit stifling in here. I shall step outside for some air.”

And quickly made your way to the double doors that led to the terrace.

Placing your hands on the railing of the balcony once you got there, you took in a few breaths of the cool, night air in order to center yourself. You had been quietly staring off into the distance when you heard a voice behind you say,

“You know you are right, yes?”

Turning around, you saw it was Anthony standing there with his hands behind his back.

With a sigh, you said, “What I know is that ignorance is ignorance and I refuse to tolerate it just like I refuse to apologize for the color of my skin.”

Making eye contact with him, you started to say, “And if you were looking for an apology, I am afraid…”

But he cut you off with a gently raised hand and said with sincerity,

“I would never want you to apologize for being who you are.”

You both stared at one another in silence before he began to nervously fidget.

“In fact,” he said swallowing, “Though this might not be the best moment, it is because you are yourself that I would like to ask…”

Coming close enough to take your hand in his, he finished his question.

“...if you would like to become my wife?”

Not being able to keep the surprise from your face, you could only hold his gaze as he went on.

“It would not be a love match,” he unknowingly lied. “But you would be taken care of. You would have as many liberties as you so wished and you would want for nothing.”

And then lightly shrugging, he added with a teasing smile one more perk to persuade you.

“Additionally, our marriage would also make you and Daphne official sisters.”

A short, delighted laugh slipped out from behind your lips before you could stop it.

Looking down at your still entwined hands still wearing a small smile, you heard Anthony ask once more,

“So, what do you say?”

Meeting his eyes, you thought about the situation you were in. You thought about the fate that awaited you if you said no. You thought about the reaction your stepmother might have if you said yes. You thought about a hundred different things in the span of a few seconds before you opened your mouth and said,

“Anthony, I think there is something I must tell you before I give you an answer.”

And proceeded to explain.

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deathsweetblossoms · 1 year

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The Fall & Rise of Each Relationship in ACOTAR

Three mountains. Three sisters. Three brothers. Let’s talk about it. Briefly.

This thought struck me as I was pondering many things last night instead of doing my full moon ritual (lol). Both Rhys/Feyre and Cassian/Nesta followed a similar path to union, being that their relationships started off tenuously, not very solid footing. Until they reluctantly warmed to each other, only to have to start from the ground up to rebuild.

Rhys/Feyre

We end ACOTAR with a reluctant understanding between the two (from Feyre’s POV). If the series had ended there, I would have assumed they had established a tenuous friendship, at the most. By the time we start ACOMAF, however, I was surprised by Feyre. It seemed like she’d taken a major step back with Rhys - scowling at the tattoo, cursing at the tattoo, thinking all sorts of awful things about him. (It made sense because of the bargain, and she wanted to be free of it, but he hadn’t even contacted her...) So when they finally reunite, she is pissed, raging pushing him away, wants nothing to do with him. They have to work to build that understanding, trust, and intimacy that leads to their final union. They have to climb the mountain together.

Cassian/Nesta

If the series had ended with ACOWAR, I would have just head canon-ed that Nesta and Cassian ended up together and he helped her process the trauma of war. But when we start Frost & Starlight, she has taken major steps back from even considering Cassian as a partner. Not just that, she pushes EVERYONE away. Throughout the book, they too have to build that understanding, trust, intimacy, to lead to their final union when Nesta completely opens to him. They had to work for it, otherwise we wouldn’t have a story. They climbed the mountain together.

Azriel/Elain

If I hadn’t read the deleted chapter, I would have just assumed we would be going into the next book with Az/Elain already having this sweet, but romantically charged, friendship and the bond would be the main obstacle. I wouldn’t have even thought about Gwoon, or any of that. So, narratively, we will have taken a major step back from whatever was growing between Elain and Azriel because of the threat from Rhys. They have to start from almost nothing in order for there to be something to build upon. Why? Because, like Cassian and Nesta, we need to be part of them rebuilding their connection in order for us to root for them to come together. From a storytelling perspective, this is how we get those delicious slow burn stories.

So, we have a few obstacles working against us: the threat from Rhys, the mating bond itself, the lack of communication between Elain and Az, the conversation that needs to happen with Mor, and whatever is happening with Gwoon. (I’m not going to lie. I want to be optimistic, but the deleted chapter and the way it ended, to me, does read like implied potential of something. But whether it leads to anything remains to be seen. We didn’t really have the threat of a love triangle in either Rhys/Feyre or Cassian/Nesta, unless you can count Tamlin and Eris. In one novel, there isn’t a lot of time for a crazy love triangle...but we have two coming out right?) All of these things narratively work as something to overcome in order for them to be together.

#elriel #pro elriel #either way im in a bit of a bad mood #and feeling cynical #and trying not to #but i still think this is how things are being set up

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dinitride-art · 2 years

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Lighting and Mike and Will and El - Full Analysis (Pt.21)

(Checks notes- literally.) Okay, so this is Mike and El, potential break-up scene ft. Argyle with the pineapple pizza.

S4:E9 - Pizza

Including this here because of the lighting. It’s- well for one, it’s very pretty, but also the blue. Max is going to come up when we get to her and El, so I thought I’d start laying some stuff down here now. Her and Lucas are in blue light- and that’s a bad thing.

But for now we go to Mike and El.

Even from this first shot, we can see that Mike and El here are in relatively the same amount of light. This angle doesn’t have an indication that it’s from either Mike or El’s perspective so this makes sense. It’s a neutral shot for the lighting in this scene.

We can also tell here that El has started losing her blue layers- the blue and red plaid is out of sight.

When we do go into Mike and El’s OTS shots, we can see that the lighting doesn’t drastically change. They’re pretty normally lit for where they are. We can see their expressions but neither of them are an obvious focal point. They’re both focal points of the scene- but not necessarily for each other.

We can also see pretty different surroundings to El and Mike. Mike has a neon yellow and red pizza sign hanging beside his head and is in front of closed blinds, and El is in front of two plants and her surrounds are a tad bit darker than Mike’s. This could be an indication that El is going to start a serious conversation- and Mike can tell. Or it could be highlighting the glowing pizza in frame with Mike.

Speaking of that pizza, it’s important that we see it in El’s perspective of Mike. It’s also pepperoni- not pineapple.

El grabs Mike’s hand with hers and he takes off his glasses. We can now clearly see that his shirt pocket is pointing in the direction of the kitchen. That pizza slice also hasn’t been cropped out of the shot- not by the actual camera boundaries or by Mike’s head. We are meant to see that glowing pizza.

Lighting is mostly the same here. El’s face does seem to take on a little more light but not to the extent that we’ve seen Will’s face glow before. The lighting on their faces is also leaning towards being half in the light and half in the dark.

When El takes Mike’s hand, she first takes it with the hand that has her heart ring- but when she reaches for his other hand it’s with the one that has her blue (friendship?) bracelet. Her hand is in shadow while Mike’s is more in the light.

In order to take both of El’s hands, Mike also has to put down the sunglasses/blinders.

When El says she missed Mike, her lighting doesn’t really change.

And neither does Mike’s. His smile here is also similar to the smile we saw him give Eddie at the beginning of the season.

El holding his hands also can be seen as platonic. When she let go of Brenner, she took his hand in both of hers. The lighting and the actions from both Mike and El in this scene are not romantic based on other interactions and lighting that we have seen within the work.

El’s face does continue to get gradually brighter but still not reaching Will levels. From what we’ve seen with Will throughout all this season, and from Hawkins at the end of episode eight, we know that romantically coded lighting is very obvious. It’s bright, warm, whimsical, and usually strong enough to blow out part of the image in the frame.

We don’t see that type of light here from Mike or El.

Mike starts trying to say something and the tone of the scene starts to change. The difference between this shot and the OTS shots we get is a bit more startling than it was when we first switched. El’s face being in shadow here is now combined with a more tense expression and the light on Mike’s face is quickly dissipating.

The position of Mike and El’s hands has also shifter closer to Mike- they started in front of the napkin dispenser. It seems to be indicating that Mike is now taking more control of where the conversation is going, and El doesn’t seem to be on board with that.

The pizza is still in frame behind Mike- it never leaves El’s view of him. While Mike is trying to talk to El, he’s struggling through his sentences and he doesn’t really get anywhere, but he also looks down and away from El quite a few times. El, when talking to Mike, doesn’t do this. She can see the pizza- whatever that may mean- and is being honest with Mike.

She does look away here, when Mike is speaking. But when she was talking to him, she maintained eye contact. What seems to be happening here is that Mike is lying (if his eyes are any indication) and El very likely knows that he is.

We can see here that we loose an OTS shot- which means we’re also losing a mutual understanding in the conversation. They are no longer on the same page.

And Mike can’t look her in the eye.

The pizza, however, is a constant within the scene. It never leaves frame. It isn’t affected by the changing tone of the conversation. I personally think that’s because it’s representing a fact, not a feeling.

Mike’s shirt pocket, which most likely represents his heart, does disappear from the frame. El can’t see it for sure anymore, but we’re still seeing the pizza.

We slide from an OTS shot from Mike closer to El’s expression. The lighting within this scene still hasn’t changed all that much. It’s not romantically in line with what we have previously seen because it simply isn’t romantic. El’s in front of plants in these shots. They commonly represent growth- El has grown as a person.

She’s not angry like she was the first time they had this conversation. When they talked about the letters. She’s letting him speak and she’s looking for something.

The pizza is still there, and Mike keeps looking away. We know he’s not being honest, and El knows he’s not being honest. El’s alliance with Argyle- the wise fool- is showing us that she’s realized something. What’s important about that is that she’s known Mike was lying here/hiding something- so she knew even before the monologue that he didn’t love her like that.

And she’s probably known since she got arrested when the light started to disappear from Mike’s face.

And then Argyle jumps in and saves Mike from himself.

We can see in this shot that there are also plants above their heads. We can also see that Mike has more of a reaction to an entire pizza being dropped between than then El does. This may be because of El and Argyle’s new understanding they have with each other.

With the arrival of Argyle we can also see where exactly Mike’s shirt pocket is pointing- to the kitchen towards Will and Jonathan.

Mike’s face is half in the light and half in the dark still, but as argyle takes a place beside him, we can see that Argyle’s face doesn’t have any shadow. There’s also a light on above Argyle’s head that might indicate that he knows something.

But more importantly, the pizza. Smack dab in the middle of them. It continues to persist throughout the scene. Mike’s shirt pocket also is coming back into view.

El has a bit less shadow in her face than Mike. Their expressions are also very different. While Mike is downright offended, El is observing it further.

Argyle starts speaking, his eyes clearly on El. The pizza continues, and Mike’s shirt pocket, as well as the upside-down sunglasses are coming more clearly into the frame.

The difference between Mike and Argyle is also very clear. Argyle is in the light, while Mike continues to be half in the light and half in the dark. This contrast is drawing our attention to Mike- he is our focus. He’s not a romantic focus, but we are looking at him intently.

El looks to Argyle before she picks up the pizza, her face still shaded but less so than Mike. Mike also looks at Argyle but in complete and utter offence.

We also see that when El looks at Argyle, we are looking from Argyle’s OTS shot/from his perspective. It’s exactly like the gas station. They’re on the same page and they’re the ones narrating the scene.

When Mike turns to Argyle his face is completely in shadow. Argyle says, “try before you deny.” The pizza is glowing, and Mike’s shirt pocket continues to come back into frame.

El’s face gradually comes more into the light as she eats the pizza. She looks to Argyle again before she starts nodding and saying that the pizza is good.

El continues nodding. She looks to Argyle again while she tries to convince Mike to try the pizza.

We can see- while Mike expresses his disbelief- Argyle nodding in time with El. Argyle is also looking towards El and his face is still fully in the light.

They are working together.

And while El does seem slightly confused at first, she’s jumps on board with Argyle.

The shadow continues to soften on El’s face. She looks to Argyle again while continuing to try and convince Mike that the pizza. Is good.

Pizza slice full in view, shirt pocket fully in frame, Argyle’s face with no shadow, Mike complaining and El following Argyle’s lead.

Most of these signs point to El being aware of what’s going on with Mike- at least to a certain extent.

While El and Argyle make the decision to just force Mike to try the pizza, they are also forcing his face into the light.

And then immediately after we go to Will. We go to where Mike’s shirt pocket was pointing during that entire scene.

Argyle knows. El might know. Mike is in complete denial. And Will doesn’t know anything.

The pizza is one hell of a statement. Not only for showing Mike’s distrust of new things, but also showing that Argyle and El are trying to get him to anyways. Will doesn’t know what’s going on, but we do.

And so do El and Argyle. Otherwise they wouldn’t be the ones forcing Mike to try the pizza. El and Argyle have both had indications of Mike lying. Argyle with Mike’s shirt and El with the letters. They also can both see Mike’s face when he talks and Mike looking away is a huge indication that he’s lying. And we see that through El’s perspective.

They could very well be on track to knowing what Mike Wheeler is. And they might already.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 (To be edited)

#byler #byler theory #st argyle #mike wheeler #eleven hopper #stranger things #el and argyle?#scary #they get shit done

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