#but yeah last year I went back from the hospital around January and just quietly reintegrated but also did some weird gay shit now and then

[utterlyinevitable]

Do We Have A Future?: January

Part 1 | Part 2: November

Paring: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 1.9k Warning: Adult themes, mental health triggers, themes of depression, pregnancy complications and termination Summary: Rebecca told Ethan and now they have to live with the aftermath of their decision.

Author’s Note: Sensitive subject matter means I really suggest only reading if you are 18+ years old.

Taglist: @ohchoices​ @dulceghernandez​ @aylamwrites​​ @binny1985​ @ramseysno1rookie​

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Becca stood alone in the middle of Ethan’s dimly lit bedroom one morning after a scalding hot shower while flecks of snow flurried outside. She stood in front of the double wide full length mirror taking in her full form - the unchanged curvature of her hips and abdomen. 

“I’d be in my second trimester…” she whispered to herself as she ran a hand delicately from her breast and lingering down to the blank space of skin below her navel. 

It would have been born in June. 

It was 6:30 in the morning and they needed to be at work in thirty minutes. When Ethan didn’t hear the familiar scuttering of his girlfriend hastily getting ready after choosing another twenty minutes of sleep he grew worried that something may have happened. 

He gingerly opened the door to see his love transfixed in front of the mirror. He crossed the distance quietly in four long strides. Snaking his arms around her he whispered into her ear, “Are you okay?”

There Ethan stood in his standard work attire holding Becca’s cold naked body close to him, his left hand securely wrapped around her midsection and his right hand placed on top of hers at her stomach. His clean shaven chin rested on her shoulder and his bright blue eyes searched her features for the explanation he knew was never coming. 

“Yeah,” she breathed as she snapped back into reality. Ethan could feel the goosebumps beginning to prick her skin and eyes started to glaze over as she pulled away from him. “Give me a minute. I’ll be ready in five.” 

Becca still cried at the thought of what's been lost. She still couldn’t walk past the neonatal wing of the hospital, or any babies for that matter. Even infants on social media or television bring tears to her eyes. Some days the extreme emptiness hits harder than others. 

Ethan still refused to talk about it. He wanted nothing more than to know how exactly he could help her without having to guess each and every day. But that would be breaking their solemn vow. He couldn’t break his promise after she explicitly asked him not to all those weeks ago at her appointment. Ethan couldn’t let her down; not now, not ever again. 

Unbeknownst to him, Rebecca wanted nothing more than to confront the fact head on, she’s done her self deprecating wallowing and was ready to divulge. She wanted to know what’s going on inside his head. But after the last time she tried to bring it up she feared that if she continued it would be to the detriment of their relationship. 

They were sitting on Ethan’s couch watching a Blue Planet documentary. Ethan comfortably laid back with his feet perched on an ottoman and Becca’s legs draped over his lap. She had the purple fleece blanket she brought from her apartment snuggled around her torso. Neither were too intrigued by this segment on flying fish, so Becca picked at the chipping paint on her fingernails and Ethan closed his eyes, relishing in the feeling of how this woman beside him could make him feel so at home.  

Out of nowhere the demons eating at Becca’s core shakily asked, “What would we have done if we kept it?” 

Truth be told Becca had been thinking this since the moment she swallowed the first pill. What would their life be like here and now? 

“Stop, Rookie,” he sternly admonished. Ethan knew she was treading down a slippery slope. She had finally started going through a routine like normal and he believed entertaining this notion would have her regress back into the shell of the woman he once knew. “No point in dwelling on the past.”    

Becca pursed her lips and gave him an unsatisfied nod. She could push the subject but she wasn’t strong enough for that. She used every little bit of courage she had to let the thoughts slip off her tongue without the twin tears rolling down her cheeks. The topic seemed like taboo. 

Why can’t we talk about this? she thought.

***

Becca had been back at Edenbrook for six weeks. She enthusiastically threw herself into her work hoping it would help fill the void and bring her joy. However it did nothing to soothe her like the way it once had. Rebecca was barren; the things she loved didn’t carry enough weight anymore. Her moods had also frequently gone on a roller-coaster ride, more times than she or Ethan would care to admit. She lived in the realm of fury, rage, disinterest and disdain. But at least she was talking and willing to leave the apartment. 

Thankfully, Ethan thinks to himself every day she gets up and goes through the motions of her past self. 

She still didn’t spend much time at her place. The awkwardness and permanent ball lodged in her throat at keeping this secret from her dearest friends had put distance between them. Becca didn’t actively want to put a strain on her friendships; she just couldn’t bear the thought of them pitying her. It was easier for them to think she’d let her new job title and relationship become her most sacred of priorities. 

When Ethan noticed her dejected and hopeless look day after day he thought now was a better time than any to help move her mind on to something else.

“I was thinking…” he trailed off as they sat at his kitchen island having her favorite spaghetti bolognese dish he ordered for them from Don Luigi’s. Looking down and twirling the noodles around his fork he said softly, “Maybe you’d like to move in?”  

“What?” Becca’s eyes went wide as she nearly choked on the two bits of pasta in her mouth.   

“You’re here all the time anyway,” he rationalized with a shrug of his shoulders. Ethan dropped the fork and swiftly swung around on his stool to face her. There was a gleam in his eyes that involuntarily made the corners of Becca’s mouth twitch. He reached out for her hands, cradling them between his own. 

“How about we make it official?” Their eyes met and Becca took a bated breath. The corners of Ethan’s lips pulled into the biggest grin - a smile Becca knew was just for her. It had been months since she’d last seen him glow like that, all the wrinkles and cracks in his features coming to light just for her. “Make me the happiest man alive and turn this place into a home, Rookie.” 

Looking at the man before her she thought maybe, just maybe everything will be okay.

“Okay,” she nodded with a small smile, trying her best to give him the genuine declaration of adoration that a moment like this deserved. 

*** 

The move didn’t help. If anything it made her mental state worse. Rebecca was completely dissociated from her current life and there were two versions wandering around in her place. 

The first version; the doctor and third year resident who focused solely on her patients needs, continuously going above and beyond for them. No matter the turmoil raging inside of her. For the first time in a while she was back at the top of her game, she didn’t need Ethan to shadow her or reassign any of her potentially-emotionally damaging cases. In the halls of Edenbrook all that mattered to Becca were the lives of her patients and helping as many helpless individuals as she possibly could. 

Ethan knew she was deflecting but as her boss he was overly impressed with her performance as she tirelessly solved case after case in no time at all. He came to accept that the concern he had for her well-being was better felt behind closed doors, whether it be at home or with his father figure. Ethan did consistently speak about her with Naveen for both of their sakes. The two men discussed and debated on how they can support her without her knowing, while the older doctor simultaneously consoled and navigated his mentee’s guarded emotions whether Ethan liked it or not. 

The second version of Rebecca was simply Becca. A girl who’s new coping mechanism was throwing herself into packing up her life and slowly turning Ethan’s luxury and sterile bachelor pad into a home. As she packed alone in her room she let her mind project a new, better reality. One where she was still carrying. She’d pass the time singing and speaking to her flat belly of the great life awaiting the three of them. The undeniable love still coursing through her veins. 

‘What are we doing today?’ she said softly with a smile as she taped together a cardboard box on her bed. ‘We’re packing up my apartment and we’re moving into daddy’s place!’ Saying those words made her heart swell, feel fuller than it’s ever been. 

Rebecca wasn’t alone. Although science and any rationale would say otherwise, she still felt that the baby, her baby was still with them. 

Moving about her room she categorized the objects of her life out on the floor into piles of winter clothes, summer clothes, general clothes, books, household objects, and miscellaneous. As each pile started to grow and moving around became difficult she exclaimed, 

‘I have so much stuff! Where are we gonna put it all?’ She chuckled to herself as she haphazardly threw one of the piles of clothes into an empty suitcase.  

Patting her abdomen she happily added, ‘Dad’s gonna have a fit; we’re gonna take over the whole place.’ 

This quite well may be the only time she’d get to say those words out loud with Ethan. This could have possibly been the only time she’d be pregnant. Ethan was being more than careful now that she was not on any form of contraception. Her doctor noted that the typical thing to do after a termination would have been to start on the pill but Becca refused, wanting time for her body to readjust before adding more hormones in the mix. Not like we’re gonna be intimate any time soon... she thought bitterly in her OB/GYNs office back then. 

In her mind Becca was now moving and creating a nest egg at Ethan’s for their little miracle. She allowed herself to indulge in this fantasy keeping her together - keeping her happy. She had made the mistake of getting attached in those first and last two weeks of knowing and now couldn’t shake the thought. As much as she’d wanted it gone, she grew fond of the little ball of cells and all the possibilities it held. Now she felt unfulfilled; something was missing from her life, from her body and she couldn’t understand why. Why something she didn’t want and didn’t have could hurt so much. 

As a woman of medicine, Rebecca is a woman of proven science. She never did believe in a higher power. 

But there’s so much unknown in this world. Maybe, just maybe... 

If there was even the slightest chance the soul - her baby’s soul was wandering aimlessly around in the unknown, she needed to do something about it. After much internal deliberation and listening to her heart she decided it was a girl and gave her a name, Avaline Dolores Ramsey. She thought of her dark brown hair on the top of her tiny head, Ethan’s eyes shining bright with possibility, their skin colors mixed together to give an olive complexion. 

A little bundle of joy staring back at her in her mind's eye every second of every day.

__________

A/N: writing this is the most cathartic thing ever. thank you for reading. we’ve got 2 more parts to go!

#open heart #open heart fanfic #choices open heart #choices fanfic #oph #oph ff #ff #ethan ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc #tw: abortion #tw: mental health

[tamakiamajikistentacles]

Disappearance 8: The End {Katsuki Bakugo}

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated! Thank you to everyone who has been on this little journey with me! I hope this fic has been enjoyed even half as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Disappearance Masterlist

As his parents they were permitted to take the boy home to the apartment with them, and the boy liked Miki right away. When she wound herself around his shins and stood on her back legs to butt her head against his hand, he was smitten. The quiet giggles as he pet her and played with her and her toys were like music to both Katsuki and Chiasa.

Miki was happy to see Chiasa, licking her hand affectionately after receiving chin scratches in greeting. Chiasa could only marvel at how much she had grown since she last saw her as a tiny kitten pouncing on every dust particle in the apartment. It was a sweet reunion and one Katsuki had always hoped he would be fortunate enough to witness.

That seemed to be a new change in his life, being able to reclaim the peace he once had before Chiasa had disappeared, and now he was fortunate enough to have that with both her and their son.

Watching the reintroduction of mother and son at the hospital was surreal. Chiasa had marveled at the small boy she had once thought to be a hallucination standing in front of her in the flesh. It was obvious when the boy recognized her and spoke with caution that she was hurt just imagining what her voice had said to him without her consent. But she spoke warmly to him and promised that she was real and not the mother he thought he knew before.

The boy would experience the same thing soon when he found out who his real father was too.

Just thinking about the paperwork with the paternity test results tucked away in his bag was enough to have his spine tingling. They hadn’t sat the boy down to tell him that Katsuki was his father quite yet, afraid that too much change and information in one day wouldn’t be good for him as he integrated into the real world. The child psychologist at the hospital had been more than supportive of the decision and offered his services going forward, something they readily accepted.

Another thing they had to deal with was setting up appointments to find out more about the skin condition causing the rashes and itchiness for him. The doctors had attempted a few preliminary tests that came back inconclusive and recommended a dermatologist for further testing and treatment. It seemed unlikely the generic skin cream they sent them home with would do much in the meantime but it was worth a shot.

He pondered all of this as he watched the pot with the beginnings of their miso soup was considering boiling. Down the short hall he could hear murmurs from the bathroom where the boy was finally able to get clean, to take what Katsuki knew was the first bath of his life with his mother. He left the kitchen knowing a watched pot never boils anyway and a glimpse of his son with his mother was much more important.

Quietly walking down the hallway, fingertips dragging against the wall lightly, the voices of his family became more clear.

“We stay here?”

Chiasa hummed an affirmative. “Yeah, this is where Katsuki lives and where I lived a long time ago.”

“Before Toga looked like you?”

A chill went up his spine.

“Yes, honey, before she would look like me,” she replied after a long pause. “I’m sad that she did that because it meant you got to meet me when it was really her and we never actually met at all. I’m sorry about that, but you can know that from now on when you see my face, it’s really me.”

“Really my mom?” he asked.

“I’m really your mom, yes. I’m going to take care of you for the rest of my life to make up for all the time we were apart okay?”

He couldn’t keep himself hidden after that, turning the corner to lean against the doorframe of the bathroom.

“I’m gonna help her too, that good with you?” he asked, both of the brunettes turning to look up at him.

The boy gave a little grin and nodded, a small murmur of, “Yes,” making sure both he and Chiasa smiled too.

“Good, ‘cause I ain’t going anywhere.”

“You should be going to the kitchen to make dinner,” Chiasa teased.

He waved a hand dismissively but started to turn back to the kitchen nonetheless. “Yeah, yeah, water’s probably boiling now anyway.”

It was easy like that, falling back into their old ways. Even with the addition of the boy they had their same rapport and he knew that as a family it could only get better.

Even though he knew it, it felt like it was cemented as soon as the quiet giggles of mother and son entered the kitchen while he plated their meal. Looking over at the two brunettes he couldn’t believe how naturally they fit into this picture of his life.

Now that the boy had been cleaned up his dark hair wasn’t matted and he could see the small spikey tufts sticking out every which way. It looked more like his mother’s slightly longer hair but those were without a doubt definitely from his side of the gene pool. It was overwhelming to realize but even moreso to know that he already loved it and couldn’t imagine a time where he wouldn’t.

His entire being was screaming that it was outrageous for him to feel this way so quickly when he barely knew the boy but it was his son! His son with Chiasa! It was everything he had ever wished for from the time he realized she was the one for him to the present moment.

Katsuki was content to have this first meal as a family and to watch the two of them scamper off to the couch as he cleaned up after them. He was happy to hear the boy speak about the brightly colored cat cartoon they were watching even if they were small remarks. He could absolutely get used this this dynamic.

His thoughts were racing trying to think of everything they would need for the boy as he was brought fully into the fold of their lives. Surely there would also be medical appointments other than to treat the skin condition in addition to the therapy both he and his mother would be attending.

“We’ll have to make the office his bedroom,” he mused aloud as Chiasa laid against him on the couch. The boy sat cross-legged at their feet, entranced with an older cartoon he vaguely recognized.

She hummed. “Should we let him have the bed until then? Assuming you still have the old futon.”

“Yeah, I have it. Kid deserves a good night’s sleep on a nice mattress. You do too, so I’ll take the futon and you two get the bed.”

“No, I wanna stay with you,” she said. “We’ll sleep on the futon in there with him though, just in case.”

“Look at you going into Mom Mode already.”

She playfully elbowed him in the side. “As if you haven’t won Dad of the Year in a day.”

He scoffed but pulled her closer to him. The natural protectiveness over his family blanketed over his paranoia to keep them in his sights as often as he could, even in the apartment.

Even with the League members behind bars, Dabi and Compress for years and now Spinner, Toga, and Shigaraki following, he did feel the fear of losing them again. Deku’s refusal to end Shigaraki irked him knowing what he was capable of but he had said he would leave him to Deku and he had. He couldn’t burn that bridge, flammable as it surely would be.

He shook his head slightly to clear the thoughts from his mind. He had his family here with him now and he would do anything to keep them safe.

Chiasa could remember the victory it was for Dabi to be taken into custody and locked away in Tartarus. Almost the entirety of Class A reunited in celebration of his capture and many a toast was raised that night. But several days later the celebratory mood was dashed as a consultant was brought in to assist in the identification of the uncooperative villain.

The man was called the Biographer, his quirk the same as the moniker. If he made to skin to skin contact with another person he could recite factual information about them such as name, birthdate, parents’ names, quirk, and so much more. It was chilling when he pressed a hand to the unmarred skin of Dabi’s hand and began to speak.

“Touya Todoroki, born January 18th at 9:55pm in the Chūbu region of Honshu, Japan, currently 33 years, 330 days old. Firstborn son of Enji and Rei Todoroki, elder sibling of Fuyumi, Natsu, and Shoto Todoroki. Quirk: Cremation.”

Of course it hit Shoto the hardest as expected but the class was close, a bond having been formed from the horrors of heroics at such a young age that they shared his pain. Even Katsuki had been sympathetic despite the hell that the villain had personally put him through.

The fear of learning something devastating was why when the Biographer stepped into his spacious office he tensed. Paternity tests could be wrong, couldn’t they? What if Chiasa just didn’t remember Shigaraki entering the room and the memories were locked away as a coping mechanism for the trauma? He was terrified that this meeting would create more obstacles for her, potentially even for the little boy—Todoroki himself had been an example of a mother gone mad from the sins of the father.

Kirishima elbowed him in the side, breaking up his thoughts and directing his attention to their guest. He was grateful that he and Kaminari had agreed to come, hoping it put Chiasa at ease just as much as him. She stood by his side, the little boy standing close behind her leg and gripping her hand tightly.

“Hello,” the Biographer greeted kindly. “I understand that there are a few questions about a child that need to be answered?”

Katsuki found his voice as Chiasa’s hand laced with his between them. “The only certainty we have are his parents,”—he hoped he wasn’t wrong in saying so—"everything else we need to know. We want the same basic information as we did with the villain Dabi, like we discussed.”

The Biographer nodded, turning to Chiasa. “And you’re his mother, ma’am?”

“Yes,” she replied, dropping his hand and crouching down to the boy’s level when he shrank under the unknown man’s gaze.

“Can he place his palm in mine for just a few moments?” he asked politely with a small smile. “It’s absolutely painless and he’s free to move his hand at any time.”

“Is that okay, honey?” she asked the wide-eyed child. “You just set your hand in his and we can learn more about you?” When he still looked unsure she added, “I’ll hold your other hand, and we have three strong heroes here to keep us safe.”

The boy nodded, eyes flicking up over her shoulder to meet Katsuki’s. “You stay close?”

“Don’t worry,” he said, walking around her to kneel on his other side. He placed a hand on his back. “I’m right here.”

That seemed to satisfy him enough to look at the Biographer who also crouched down. He extended his upturned palm out to him, patiently waiting until the boy placed his trembling hand atop it.

The Biographer smiled at him reassuringly, glancing at the adults on either side of him and hoping to provide the same comfort. Then he began to speak.

"Born on February 11th at 7:19pm in Nagoya, Japan, currently 3 years, 237 days old. Firstborn child of Katsuki Bakugo and Chiasa Minamino. Quirk currently unknown."

A sob broke past Chiasa’s lips, her free hand coming up to cover her mouth. Startled by the outburst the little boy took his hand away to turn to his mother only to be swept up in a tight hug. He wrapped his small arms around her neck as his bottom lip started to wobble.

Katsuki felt like he could cry too as the weight and fear of uncertainty lifted from his shoulders, and even as he smiled up at his friends he felt the telltale sting in his eyes.

“Come here,” Chiasa said, reaching out to bring him into the embrace. He went willingly and wrapped his arms around them both, his eyes falling closed in happiness as he held his family.

He pressed a kiss to Chiasa’s temple and then to the top of his son’s head, the soft brown tufts tickling his cheek.

Distantly he heard the Biographer excuse himself and Kaminari offer to walk him out. Kirishima followed and glanced back at the little family with a smile. They deserved this. All three of them.

Still sitting on his office floor Chiasa had pulled their son—their son!—into her lap and held him close, the little boy still confused from her crying but happy to be with his mother nonetheless. Katsuki sat close to them, one arm wrapped around her shoulders and a grin still on his face. There were still a lot of things to work out, but this moment deserved to linger.

After a few silent minutes, Chiasa glanced up at Katsuki and smiled softly. She’d known since he told her about the small child while she was in the hospital but to hear it confirmed again was a melody she hoped would stay in her mind forever. But even though she knew he was the little boy’s father the child himself didn’t, and that needed to change.

It felt like there was so much she could say but no words that seemed right. She supposed that didn’t matter though, as long as this little boy knew his parents and knew they loved him.

“Honey,” she murmured, pulling back slightly to look in the boy’s eyes, “did you hear what that man said? Do you know what it means?”

That little pout returned to his face as he considered what she meant. “It was sad. It made you cry.”

“Those were happy tears,” she chuckled. “It wasn’t sad at all. It was really, really good. You know how Katsuki saved us?”

Matching eyes met his as he looked up at him, nodding. “Saved me. Saved you.”

“That’s right, he did. He saved us from Shigaraki and brought us home.”

“Saved us… from dad?”

She bit her lip, glancing at Katsuki briefly to see his jaw set at the false title. “Shigaraki isn’t your dad, honey.”

“No dad?” he asked.

Chiasa shook her head. “You have a dad. You’re the luckiest little boy because your dad is a hero who saves people.”

The boy turned to Katsuki. “Like you?”

“Sort of,” he said with a laugh. “What if I told you it was me? That I’m your dad?”

His eyes widened with what Katsuki hoped was excitement, and he leaned over to place his hand on his knee. He looked back and forth between both him and Chiasa several times, gaze on their eyes and hair respectively, before looking down at his hands where his right was on Katsuki and his left on his mother.

“You’re dad,” he finally said, patting his knee. Then he turned to Chiasa, tapping his fingers on her arm. “You’re mom.”

“That’s right, honey,” Chiasa whispered, one hand combing through his fluffy hair. “And mom and dad aren’t going anywhere, we all get to go home and be a family.”

“Family,” he repeated. “My family.”

He hugged her tightly and she pressed a kiss to his forehead, then he crawled over into Katsuki’s lap, throwing his arms around his neck and hiding his face in his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around him too, every nerve in his body alight knowing that this was his son. He was hugging his son.

“You’re dad,” he heard whispered against him. “My dad.”

“Yeah, your dad,” he said softly. “’M your dad and even… even though we just met, I love you. Me and your mom both do.”

He sighed happily into his shoulder and pressed himself closer. They stayed like that for a long moment, Chiasa’s lashes lined with tears beside them.

Katsuki wanted to stay in that moment forever, but he knew there were still a lot of things to discuss with her. So he pulled back slightly and asked, “Hey little man, you know what you should do?”

Owlish eyes blinked up at him from where his chin rested on his chest.

“You should tell Red Riot and Chargebolt about your family. I don’t think they know yet, and they’ll be real excited,” he said with a nod to the door. It was still open and they could clearly see the two heroes a few meters down the hall.

The boy looked back over his shoulder, considering, before turning back to look between his parents.

“We’ll be right here,” Chiasa promised. “They’re friends, honey.”

With a little smile, the child climbed out of Katsuki’s lap and trotted up to where they stood, greeted excitedly by both of them.

Chiasa took his hand in hers and laid her head on his shoulder. “This is amazing.”

He squeezed her hand. “Yeah. Yeah, it is.”

“It feels like the sun is finally rising after a long night. Like daybreak is chasing away the darkness.”

Katsuki kissed her cheek, then tilted her chin up towards him with his free hand to kiss her properly. She was right—this was dawn rising after four years and four months of night. Dawn was finding her and their son and being a family after the darkness of the League had shrouded them for so long. It was fresh and new, filled with endless possibility.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips. “You and our son.”

“I love you too. And so does he.”

He smiled, looking out to where the small boy was speaking to Kirishima and Kaminari who were crouched down to his level and smiling.

“He needs a proper name,” she murmured, her head resting on his shoulder once again.

He hummed. “I think you’re right about the sunrise, so what about Asahi?”

“Daybreak rising,” she said with a smile. “Yeah, that’s our boy, Katsuki. Asahi Bakugo.”

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated!

Disappearance Masterlist

#bakugou imagine #bakugo imagine #katsuki bakugou #katsuki bakugo #bnha imagine #bnha imagines #bakugou katsuki #bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugo imagine #katsuki bakugou imagine #bakugou katsuki imagine #bakugo katsuki imagine #bnha #mha #mha imagine #mha imagines #boku no hero academia #boku no hero academia imagine #boku no hero academia imagines #my hero academia #my hero academia imagine #my hero academia imagines

[cruecifymesixx]

Love and Leather /part forty three/

Word Count: 7.2k

A/N: smooth sailing for our favorite toxic couple, less toxicity however. More cute shit that will probably make you cry though. 

Warnings: languages, smut for a brief second, drug talk, nikki being a cute little shit.

Taglist: @brideofdraculana , @xstarryeyes , @aryssav , @miserablecunt , @dangerous-like-a-loaded-pistol , @inthebackofmycarlaytheirbodies, @fandomshit6000, @anntheboneless,  @venus-calum, @justjodeye, @supernaturalvikingwhore, @are-we-real, @hi-my-name-is-riley, @extremesadnerding, @thatbandchick39, @awkwrdcait, @countrygirlswonderland, @baiabouk @awesomealmostdopestudent, @martabastic, @romanticvengeance , @tashy-bear, @krazykatkay456, @terror-triplet, @shouttatthedevill @beachystars, @rodriguez025, @kickstart-myheart-sixx, @s-outhie, @anxious-diabetic, @awkwardblackgirls, @rockersbox, @brooklyn-antiques, @shamelessobsessions, @jerseytaint, @lilytalebi, @criminalyetminimal, @motley-queen, @trapt-in-a-dream, @lunamadhatter99, @broke-n-bitchy, @thanks2pete, @slowandangry, @lovesick-heart0, @keepcalm-and-beyou, @miriampraez, @teenwolflover28, @lilyhw1, @swoopygorl, @motherloovebone, @random-internet-user-4471, @falcon-arrows, @talranocchia2001, @wheresmyvodkabitch, @waywardprincess666, @malibubarbievince, @iluvmesomemarvelndc,  @vamprlestat, @supersoldierballerina, @primal-screamer@electradestiny, @marshbev, @n0-sh0rtage-0f-faults, @cruebaby, @ggorehorror, @valentines-in-london, @miss2001babe, @nassauartist@emmaelizabeth2014, @cmft-jr-winchester, @bokkie92, @notworthyofyou1120 @xrosegoldwolfx, @cranberribread, @lauravic, @mgkobsessed, @chaoticvybe, @opalrustad, @kellysimagines, @zoenicoles, @marvelismylifffe

January ‘89

I had walked through the doors of the recording studio Tommy had given me the address to last night and went straight for the room with the red light above it. I leaned my head against the door, hearing Vince’s voice as he sang to a loud beat. I took a deep breath in while my hand reached for the doorknob, slowly turning it as I walked inside, quietly shutting the door behind me.

Nikki, Tommy and Mick had their backs towards me as they were tapping their foot to the song.

Vince had seen me walk in and had a huge smile on his face, which quickly fell when Nikki paused the recording track.

“Let’s...lets just go again Vinny, this album is gonna be perfect, just...start it from the top.” My heart skipped a beat when I heard Nikki’s voice, it sounded different. Still rough, but less tiredness? I’m not sure.

“I don’t know why I gotta keep doing it, when it was fucking fine the first time. What? Now that you’re sober, you’re a perfectionist?” Vince snapped back at him, a scoff leaving his lips.

I chewed on my nail as I watched them go back and forth, “Vince, it’s just gonna be perfect. Alright, I’m sorry man. Just...just one more time, alright?” Nikki pleaded with him, I caught a glimpse of his arm, the newfound ink covering his skin.

“Y’know, maybe we should ask Vanity.” Vince said, as I covered my mouth to keep my laughs in, “Yeah, well if she was fucking here maybe we could.” Nikki groaned, resting his head in his hand as he leaned onto the soundboards.

“Go ahead and ask me.” I said sweetly, watching as Nikki turned around in the chair, dropping his bottle of water as he stood up and started walking over to me, almost tripping over the coffee table.

Nikki was swift to pull me into a tight hug, “Hey, what-what are you doing here?” He said, gripping my shoulders as he pulled away from me.

I examined everything about him, he had put weight back on, as well as some muscle. He had a nice olive complexion going on. His arms were covered in tattoos and his hair was still the same but with buzzed sides. He looked like a completely different person.

“I came to see you! All of you...wow, look at all these tattoos.” I was amazed at how much ink was in his skin, “and the hair? I love it...you look so handsome.” I told him, Tommy and Mick snickering. “Handsome...” Tommy mumbled as him and Mick laughed with one another.

I could tell Nikki was blushing, “Yeah...Uh....I had a lot of free time and much needed cover ups.” He rubbed his arm as he looked at the ink, “And, I shower again...well more frequently now, so I thought a haircut would be good.” He continued as he chewed on his bottom lip, looking down at me.

“Does that mean I have to get the tattoo on my ass covered up, now?” I scratched the top of my head, “I was just starting to like it after all this time.”

Nikki smirked as he snuck his hand around mine, “Hell no. I love that tattoo.” He stated, pulling me over to the couch as I sat down next to him. I could feel his hand sweating as he wouldn’t let go of mine.

“You look great doll, I mean you always do. But you look really good. I guess I’ve missed you a lot.” Nikki rambled, his voice was shaky as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“I’m really glad you’re here. How long are you staying?” Nikki asked me as I shrugged, listening to what Vince was singing.

‘Top hat to match

Dressed in black on black

She's got a Philipino girlie

She claims is her friend

I tell you boys you just gotta laugh

Now I used to call her Cindy..’

“Wow, is the new album? It sounds amazing!” I said, as Tommy turned in the chair to face me, “Sounds dope right? It’s gonna be so fucking sick.” He said, throwing up the devil horns before giving me a tight hug and picking me up off the couch.

“Because we can actually think clearly and hear the music, god that still sounds awful-Vinny c’mon man.” Nikki stopped the music again as Vince glared at him.

“Dude, seriously? What is wrong now?” Vince questioned, as I pushed down the button and spoke into the mic, “You need to sing faster, it’s not matching the tempo, you’re going too...slow.” I got quieter towards the end when they were all staring at me.

I laughed nervously as I saw Nikki’s face get scrunched up, “I Uh...I mean if you want, I’m not an expert..never mind.” I said, going to sit down on the couch. A woman with a busty top offered me a water, I quickly took a sip. I was becoming nervous.

“Sorry...” I mumbled to Nikki as I knew I overstepped my boundaries. He shook his head and turned back around, “Try it Vince.”

He sounded better, way better as the guys were all bobbing their head to the music. Nikki turned slightly and gave me a smile, nodding his head to the door as he got up. He stuck his hand out for me and I took it as he intertwined our fingers together.

We walked out to a back patio behind the building and sat down on a bench that was being shaded by a giant pine tree. I sat down at the opposite end of Nikki. I heard him chuckle as I brought a cigarette to my mouth and lit it.

“You’re nervous.” He stated as he scooted over to me, making me stand up in front of him, “Am not.” I was shaky as I dropped my cigarette. He picked it up for me before taking a drag and handing it back.

“It’s like you haven’t met us before, what’s the deal? I can tell you’re nervous.” He asked, bringing his black ray bans down to his face and stretching his arms across the back of the bench.

“I just...I haven’t met sober Nikki yet or sober Tommy, Mick and Vince. I have to get to know everyone all over again.” I explained, exhaling the smoke from my lungs as I saw his lips curl into that smirk of his.

“I’m just dumb. Ignore me.” I rambled, laughing at myself afterwards.

“I’m still me, just clear headed and not thinking about my next fix every five minutes.” He explained, pushing his hair back, “Is this about the last time we were together?” He questioned, taking off his sunglasses and folding them into the hem of his shirt.

I glanced at him before looking down at the broken up concrete that laid beneath my feet, “I just- where do we go from here Nikki? You didn’t want to talk about it when you were in rehab...”

I thought about the day he came back from the hospital every single day, how he was gone and off to rehab come the following morning.

“Could talk about it over dinner if you wanted...there’s a restaurant near the falls, it’s really nice.”

I stared at him, as I again dropped the cigarette from my fingertips, “shit...” I muttered as I picked it up.

“Dinner? Like a...uh..date?” I swallowed the lump in my throat as he smiled and stood up.

I backed away from him as he took the hint to not come any closer, “Yes, Princess. A date. You wear something nice, I’ll wear something nice and we’ll have dinner and talk it out.”

I gawked at him, not believing the words that left his mouth. This was not the Nikki that I knew a year and a half ago.

“...okay...”

*later that evening*

I was sitting in the back of the limo Nikki had sent to the hotel to get me, along with all of my luggage. I was trying to keep myself from freaking out. I was amazed when we pulled in front of the restaurant. He wasn’t lying when he said it was right by the falls, seeing it glisten as the sun was setting.

“Uh, thank you.” I said to the driver, “Have a wonderful evening.” He replied back as I got out of the limo, smoothing out my dress as I walked up the stairs, clutching onto the railing.

I opened up the door and was immediately greeted by the hostess.

“Hi, I’m meeting someone here...um Nikki Sixx? I don’t know if he’s here yet.” I explained, wrapping my arms around myself, I should’ve brought a jacket.

“Oh yes, he’s here. He’s been coming up to me every ten minutes asking if you’ve arrived. Let me take you to him.” She gave me a warm smile, motioning me to follow her.

When he saw me, he stood up and fixed his clothes. He was wearing a dark red half buttoned dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of leather pants. Typical Nikki style.

“Hey doll.” He said, kissing my cheek as he helped me into the chair, “I like the dress.” He said as he sat down, “You look hot.”

I smiled, a soft chuckle leaving my lips. “Thank you, you look hot too.” I replied, looking around at the lightly dimmed atmosphere. The table had a singular lit candle with rose petals around it that over looked the falls and the sunset.

“Wine?” A server walked up to us, holding a bottle in his hand, “Uh...” I trailed off as I looked over at him.

“For her, yes. For me, I’ll just have a water-“ the waiter began to fill up my glass half way, “You don’t need to walk on egg shells with me, it’s French wine.” He explained as I took a sip of it. It was pretty damn good.

“So, you’re not even drinking?” I questioned, as he thanked the waiter for his water.

“It’s better if I don’t. One glass turns into a bottle, a bottle turns into me being drunk all day. Cigarettes is about as far as I go now.” He explained, his eyes watching as I brought the glass to my lips again.

“And it doesn’t bother you if I’m drinking?” I clarified as he shook his head, “Just because I’m in the no fun club doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy yourself, babe. It’s fine, really.” He explained, leaning back into the chair.

“Well, why’d you stop calling me? I waited for your call everyday. I mean, I know we got into that fight, but I still wanted to talk to you.” I asked him, deciding that diving head first was the best way to go.

He laughed, “Hard hitting questions already?” I shrugged in response as he let out a sigh. “It wasn’t my idea...I wanted to keep calling you, but the stupid therapist thought it was a very bad idea with me detoxing and us fighting still, even if it was over the phone. He thought it was better to wait till I was clear headed...”

*Flashback*

I slammed down the phone after Vanity continued to bitch at me, saying there was random girls and a few drug dealers still coming over to the house.

“And what the fuck are you writing down now?” I snapped at Marcus, my therapist I was working with while I’m stuck here in rehab.

“Do you two always fight?” He questioned me, pen ready in hand to write down whatever the fuck I said so he can use it against me later.

He sighed, putting down the pen and notepad as he took off his glasses, “Fine, man to man...tell me about Vanity. We have yet to discuss your romantic relationships.”

“There is no romantic relationships. I’ve always just fucked the girls and kicked them out in the morning.” I replied, crossing my arms against my chest.

“Well, it sounds like she’s not one of those girls, so who is she? A girlfriend? An ex girlfriend?” He asked, “She’s just....I’m in love with her, man.”

“How do you know you love her?” He asked, picking up that stupid notebook I wanted to rip in half.

“I just...I just know. I want to be with her. I’ve always wanted to be with her. She’s so god damn beautiful, she’s always made me happy.”

“Is She your girlfriend?” Marcus asked, I shook my head telling him no.

“We started fucking and I fell for her. We did everything together. Slept together, partied together, did drugs together, I met her family a few times. We had a relationship without ever putting a label on it.” I explained.

“And now you want a label? Does she feel the same way?” I shrugged, “I’m sure you know, Nikki.” I shrugged again, silence filling the room for a moment as I thoroughly thought my response.

“I’m no good for her. I’ve been so fucked up towards her, I’ve hurt her a lot. But, she told me she loved me after my OD. She was at my house waiting for me to come back home. It just makes me think, what if I didn’t come back and I just left her to hide these feelings away?”I expressed as I think about the tears she shed for me every night, the look on her face when she saw me in the kitchen.

“I want to show her that I won’t hurt her ever again and that it was truly just the drugs and that I’m actually a decent guy that could be what she wants and needs.” I explained, cracking my knuckles as he looked up from his notepad he had begun writing in again

“I think you two are toxic. At least when drugs are involved. I think there’s potential for you to have a healthy relationship with her after your recovery.” He explained, as I nodded at his words.

“But, I do believe right now she is triggering for you. She’s associated with all these bad feelings and moments-“ “No, she’s not. She’s-“

He put his hand up, a signal for me to listen and stop talking, “I just watched you scream at her over the phone, and her words were pretty clear too. I don’t think it is a good idea for you to be talking, I’ll be adding her to the do not call list.”

“You can’t do that! I can talk to whoever I fucking want!! You’re a fucking idiot, I’m the one signing your god damn paychecks.”

“Nikki...” he said my name calmly, how the fuck could this motherfucker be this stoic?

“Nikki, if she loves you she will understand-“ “No she won’t, she’ll be upset.” I cut him off as I expressed my worries.

“Nikki, she wants you to get better, she will understand.”

*end flashback*

“I shouldn’t have treated you the way I did...and the way I talked to you at times. All of it was so fucked up. Every single thing I’ve done to you, I truly am sorry for.” Nikki reassured me, giving me a look of softness

I took a sip of the wine as I looked at him, “You did a lot of fucked up things to me, Nikki. I know it was because of the drugs, but it didn’t hurt any less. Your words would cut through me every time because you know me and you know just the right things to say to get under my skin, as do I for you.”

I paused as I tapped my fingers against the table.

“And it was partially my fault too, I would test your patience and make you mad just because you made me mad, and I’m sorry for that. I enabled you a lot telling you to go find it, just so you would get out of my face and I’m so sorry for that.” I chewed on my lip as he listened to me.

“I mean, sleeping with Slash was just in spite of you and that fight we had. You didn’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve to see me having sex with him. I am sorry.” I apologized to him as he nodded.

“I deserved it. We both know I did. I am a shit person that’s a work in progress. Working through my relationships with everyone in the band, Tom, you, and eventually, picking things slowly with Deanna.” He looked at me, “I know you did, I shouldn’t have acted out like that though. Throwing the picture frame...I shouldn’t.. that-I made you cry and I felt bad...I didn’t mean to upset you the way I did....”

“I meant what I said that night though...and I know you’re scared and I already know you’ve had shit luck with guys, that’s me included. But I meant it, I do love you.”

I huffed as I pushed the menu and glass away from me, “I love you Nikki, I love you so much and when you overdosed and I thought you were dead I was extremely angry with myself, because I was a pussy and didn’t tell you how I felt that night when you said it and you’re right, I am scared. I’m fucking terrified to be with you, but I’m willing to get over it.”

*flashback*

“I know she’s scared to be with me. I mean fuck, dude. I fucking slipped her smack for starters, I pretty much called her a slut in front of all her family at her birthday party. I fucked her while she had a boyfriend as he was passed out in the bed outside the door, I don’t regret that one though. Not at all. Ryan was a fucking douche.” I smirked as Marcus let out a scoff, his face twisting up with disgust.

“I threw a picture frame at her, more than likely reminding her of her abusive ex boyfriend and then called her a slut again when I found her fucking Slash.”

Marcus wiped his glasses clean as he stared at me, “You’re an asshole.” He said as I furrowed my eyebrows together, “Fuck you, man. You can’t fucking talk to me like that!!” I yelled at him, as he stayed calm.

“I just....She makes me so mad sometimes. Cause let me tell you Vanity Blackwood is no fucking angel either, alright? Everyone thinks she is, but she isn’t. She’s stubborn, bitchy, she complains way too fucking much sometimes, even though she has everything she’s ever fucking wanted. She’s angry and she blows up and breaks things. She’s...she’s argumentative and she just knows how to test my god damn patience.” I breathed out, reaching for the water bottle as I took a sip.

“Just let me fucking call her, please? I miss her.” I admitted as he shook his head, “No, not yet.” He retorted as I let out at a groan.

“So you two have always fought?” He asked as I nodded, “Always, rather it be bickering about what to watch or a full blown screaming match that ends in her walking away from me crying.”

“Do you think by her walking away from you, it sets off your abandonment issues?” I nodded as I looked down at my hands.

“I’m scared she’s gonna leave and not come back. That’s when I would panic and lock myself away, slam needle after needle into whatever vein I could find.”

“So, she drove you to shoot up?” He sounded concerned, “Did she shoot up with you?”

I chuckled, “God no, I would have lost my shit if she ever tried to touch it, the most she ever did with me was blow. She doesn’t like the pills and she doesn’t like smoking anything other then cigarettes.”

“So the feelings are real? It wasn’t just the drugs?” He questioned, writing down something.

“No. It was never the drugs. They fucked with my head, but I know what I feel for her is real.”

*end flashback*

Nikki’s eyes lit up as I saw the smile form across his lips, “I love you too...and we can take things easy, you know? Don’t have to rush.”

“So I’m guessing we’re not sleeping together tonight? If we’re not rushing?” I said, half joking as I finished off the glass of wine.

“Yeah, were not. We can lay down, cuddle. Watch a movie or something...” He explained slowly as the smile I had left my face, his smile copying mine almost simultaneously.

“Oh....” I said, ending the gaze I had upon him, “Can I have some more wine?” I asked a server, grabbing his arm to stop him as he walked past our table. I sat in silence as he poured another half glass.

“I mean....that’s fine. I don’t care.” feeling pure embarrassment, I buried my face in the menu to avoid looking at him.

I just assumed we would y’know? That he would be more than happy to fuck my brains out again.

“I know it’s not ideal...And trust me I want to, but I seriously want to do this right, Vanity.” Nikki expressed, I glanced over to him for a split second, “No, yeah, that’s fine.” I said quickly.

“Am I fucking up already?” He asked, the tone of his voice oozed hesitation.

“No! No you’re fine...I just assumed that we would, we don’t have to. I like slow, we can take it as slow as we want, babe.” I reached for his hand, “so many tattoos now.” I said, turning over his hand and seeing them all up along his arm, “I like them. You need a tattoo for me next.” I joked as he smiled, “Don’t tempt me, I’ll go get your name tattooed on me tomorrow.” He laughed, as I rolled my eyes, I smiled, knowing he wasn’t joking either.

After dinner and some rehab stories involving Nikki almost throwing a chair out a window due to all of his frustrations, his therapist apparently pushed his limits. But, I think he was just doing his job. He mentioned Vince crying on Micks shoulder during a group therapy session. I could only imagine how Mick reacted.

Nikki had drove us back to the condo he has been living in for the last little bit, it was rather small for his rockstar taste but it had a killer view of the ocean.

I stood in the middle of his bedroom as I looked out the sliding glass door that led to a balcony, “I mean, it has nothing like the view in Van Nuys, but it’s nice.” He expressed as he stood next to me. I turned and looked up at him, his eyes met mine which eventually made me look away from him.

“Are we gonna watch a movie?” I asked, stepping over to his bed and sitting on the edge of it. I crossed one leg over the other as he looked at me, he was keeping his distance still, I think he was having a hard time controlling himself.

He cleared his throat, “Yeah...I uh...I have a few you can pick from...” He said, grabbing a few Blockbuster VHS tapes and handing them to me.

The Lost Boys. Full Metal Jacket. Lethal Weapon. Dirty Dancing. I handed him Lethal Weapon. I’ve seen it a million times already, so I wouldn’t have to pay attention and I could test how serious he actually is about not sleeping together tonight.

“Can I have something to wear?” I asked him, as he turned around to look away from the tv and at me.

“Your bags are downstairs.” He said as I raised an eyebrow, narrowing my eyes as I looked at him, “But..uh, here.” He said, crossing the bedroom as he went to the dresser, pulling out an old T-Rex shirt and handing it to me, “Thanks...”I mumbled as he went to the bathroom and quickly came out in sweats and no shirt. God damn, the tattoos were all the way across his chest too.

“What is that!?” I laughed as I poked his nipple ring, he looked down with a smirk on his pink lips.

“Like it? I thought it was cool.” He confessed as he laid down on his side of the bed, back propped up against the headboard. “I like it a lot actually, it’s surprising.” I explained as he laughed, “You should get yours done then.” I rolled my eyes as he laughed again, before watching the previews of the movie.

I kicked off my heels and slipped out of the dress, I heard him exhale deeply as it fell down my legs. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glaring at my body. His eyes wandering to the matching black laced bra and thong I was wearing.

“I’m gonna make popcorn..” he grumbled, as I watched him get off the bed and stomp out of the room. I giggled to myself as I slipped on the shirt quickly and got into the bed.

*Nikki’s POV*

I almost ripped the damn bag in half as I started pouring the popcorn into the bowl. I knew she was doing this shit on purpose. I’m really trying so god damn hard to control myself. Trust me, I want nothing more than to fuck her right now. To feel her underneath me and moaning into my ear as I fuck her how she loves it. I just didn’t want to do that yet, I wanted to take my time. It would be better for the both of us even if she agreed with me or not.

I pushed those thoughts to the side when I walked back into my room, seeing her laying on my bed, legs crossed at her ankles. The shirt was raised up a little bit, showing off her naval piercing and that rose tattoo on her hip.

I felt like it was the first time again, that night I slipped her smack that’s when I saw her out of clothes for the first time. And man, did I need another cold shower again.

I laid in the bed next to her, putting the bowl of popcorn in between us for it to act as some type of barrier so she couldn’t try anything, but of course, why would I think that would stop her?

“I really love this hairstyle, Nikki. You look sexy.” She said, grazing her nails over the shaved sides of my head. I ran my fingers through my hair, “It’s cool, right?” I looked over at her, my gaze quickly falling to her plump lips. “I wanted something different, and Tommy had me shave his.”

She turned on her side to face me, her thigh laying on top of mine as she trailed her nails over the tattoos on my chest, “You trusted T-bone with a razor?” She laughed as she laid her head on my shoulder, “The blood shed was minimal.” I said, pulling her closer and kissing the the top of her head.

She relaxed as she laid against me, her arm wrapping around my waist as she held me close to her. I sighed under her touch, but tensed up shortly after when her fingers drifted across the top of my sweats. My eyes followed her every move as she began to play with the drawstring of the pants.

“Vanity...” I warned, grabbing her hand and holding it tight. She in return, looked up at me with a shit eating grin, “What, Sixx? I’m just watching the movie.” She batted her eyelashes innocently as she placed a soft kiss on my chest.

“I know what you’re doing.” I muttered as she smirked at me, “What are you talking about? I’m not doing anything, Nikki.” She smiled, biting her bottom lip as she ran her fingers through my hair.

I caught her wrist and glared at her, “Stop...” I pleaded as she nodded. Her actions proved otherwise when she pulled her wrist away from my grip as she got on top of me, straddling my waist.

“You’re really telling me you don’t want to touch me?” She looked down at me intently, grabbing my hands and putting them on her hips. I clutched her hips and the shirt, feeling her slowly grind against me.

“Doll, c’mon...just, let’s just watch-“ I stopped talking, letting out a groan when she put one of my hands in between her legs. I watched as she moved my hand against her, feeling that she was wet under the thin fabric.

“I’ve missed you so much, Nikki.” She let out a breathy moan, “I touched myself to the thought of you a lot while you were gone.”

I bit my lip, tasting blood as I watched her rub her hips against my hand, “Y-yeah?” I choked out, moving uncomfortably underneath her.

“So I know, if I thought about you, you had to think of me.” Her smirk was confident as I rubbed my hands up her sides, feeling the curve of her body under my palms.

I stared at her as I pushed her panties to the side, seeing the smile form across her face as I was giving into what she wanted from me. She’s such a little devil sometimes.

“I have something for you.” She moaned, as I brushed my thumb over her clit repeatedly, “Yeah baby? Show me.” I groaned as she got off my lap.

“Just, lay right here. Don’t move.” She warned as I watched her leave my bedroom. I rubbed my face as I was breathing heavily, noticing that my dick was standing at full attention.

She came back, a smile on her face and her hands behind her back, “What do you got for me?” I asked as she crawled back on top of me.

She ran her nails up and down my chest, as she held her hand open, showing me a syringe: ten cc’s full of heroin.

I shoved her off of me as I got off the bed, “What the fuck are you doing!?” I screamed at her, she laughed as she sat on her knees.

“C’mon nik. It’s not like you’re really gonna stay sober.” She cackled as she shoved the needle into my hand.

“Yes I am! I’m never touching it again! What the fuck is the matter with you!? Get the fuck out!” I yelled at her, forcefully grabbing her hand and dragging her over to my bedroom door.

“Wake up, Nikki. You’re still a junkie. Still a scared little boy!” She shouted, shoving herself away from me, “Shut up! Shut the fuck up!” I yelled back at her.

“Wake up!” She yelled at me, “Fuck you!! I can’t fucking believe you!? How could you fucking do this to me!!”

“Baby! Wake up!” She yelled again, “Why are you fucking saying that!!”

“Nikki! Wake up!!”

I jolted up into a sitting position, as I looked at Vanity who sat next to me, staring at me confused. I quickly got out of the bed, tripping over the blankets as I fell down on the carpet.

“Nikki? Are you okay?” She asked, crawling over to the edge of the bed, “Do-Don’t come near me.” I stuttered as I got myself up, wiping sweat from my face.

“Did you have a nightmare?” She asked quietly as she watched me. I looked at the alarm clock and saw that it was seven in the morning.

“You fucking....you...” I couldn’t get it out of my mouth. That’s like my worse fucking nightmare, her offering it to me.

“I What? What did I do?” She questioned me, a look of confusion written all over. “If it’s about last night I’m sorry....” Vanity said, looking away from me.

“I just...I missed you. And I thought we would have sex when I saw you again, I wasn’t trying to upset you if I did. I know I was pestering you and I’m guessing that’s why you fell asleep not even half way through the movie.”

“We didn’t have sex?” I asked, looking around at the room as I tried to figure it out, “No? You fell asleep. Are you okay?” She said, finally getting out of the bed and walking to me, moving the messy hair out of my face.

“You fucking...you tried giving me heroin.” I told her as she looked taken back, “and you were saying all these fucked up things to me, and then I woke up.”

“Nikki...” she stopped talking as she scrunched up her eyebrows, “I would never do that to you, you know that, right? I would never put your recovery in jeopardy, I love you. I want to see you succeed.”

I nodded, closing my eyes as she put her hand on the side of my face. “I know. I know, it was just a nightmare. “ I shook my head, until I felt her press a gentle, warm kiss on me.

She pulled away as her hands glided up my bare chest, before she rested her head against me. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer to me as I breathed in the scent of her shampoo and the lingering smell of her perfume from last night.

“I love you so god damn much.” I mumbled into her hair as she nodded, hugging my waist tighter.

“I love you more, Sixx.” She whispered, kissing my chest as she peered up at me, “I was wanting to stay a few days if that’s okay, I know you’re busy.”

I shook my head, “No, it’s okay. I want you to stay as long as you want, we just have to spend the day at the studio then I’m free tonight, we can go do something or whatever, so hurry up and get ready. We have to be there at nine.” I shrugged, running my hand through my hair.

“Well I’m gonna shower, you want to join me?” She asked, wiggling her eyebrows as she took my hand but I let go of it.

“I’ll wait till you’re done.” I said as I watched her tilt her head to the side, “What? Now that you’re sober you are celibate?” She questioned as I chuckled, shaking my head, “Don’t start with me.” I warned as she giggled.

“Fine, your choice.” She said before she took off the shirt she was wearing, throwing it at my face before she pranced over to the bathroom, more sway in her hips then usual.

*later that day, Vanity’s POV*

Nikki held my hand as he led me into the studio, seeing Vince in the booth singing something while Tommy and Mick were lounging around, “Nikki, no girls allowed.” Some guy with short brown hair and a beard spoke up as he nodded over to me.

Some guy with short brown hair and a beard spoke up as he nodded over to me.

“Relax man, Van c’mere.” Nikki motioned for me as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, “Meet Bob Rock, he’s help producing the new album. He’s worked with Metallica, Bon Jovi and some others. Bob, meet Vanity, my girlfriend.”

I looked up at Nikki, “Girlfriend?” I questioned, furrowing my eyebrows, “Sh.” He said before kissing my forehead. This guy Bob stared down at me, “Don’t be a distraction, he’s working.” He warned as he went back to playing with some buttons and beats to a song.

“You didn’t ask me to be your girlfriend.” I whispered to him as he looked over some papers. He looked up at me, grinning as he kissed my lips, “Didn’t think I had too.” He smirked arrogantly as I scoffed, “Okay, fine. You wanna be my girlfriend?” Nikki questioned me, running his thumb across my cheek.

“Hm, I’ll think about it.” I smirked as I watched the scowl form across his face. I chuckled, trying to kiss him but he avoided it by tilting his head up. I quickly gripped his chin to make him look at me, then quickly kissed his hips before I let him work.

“So, how was your date?” Tommy asked, giving me a cheesy smile as he wiggled his eyebrows, “Don’t see any bruises on your neck.” He teased, putting his hand under my jaw and moving my head around until I slapped his hand away from me.

“Stop being a child, to think I missed you.” I rolled my eyes, smiling at him as he laughed.

“Oh please, you probably missed me more than Nikki-“ he joked, “but seriously, how was the date? He wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it all day after you left yesterday.” Tommy expressed as he took a sip out of a bottle of some sparkling water.

“It was nice. We talked about it all and I think we’re finally gonna be okay, T-bone.” I smiled, looking over at Nikki as he was discussing something with Bob.

Tommy nudged my shoulder, “Thank god, you two deserve to be happy finally.” I nodded at his words

“Also, was getting really, really fed up with the fighting. Shits annoying.” Mick spoke up as I looked over at him sitting in a chair and strumming away on his guitar.

“Missed you too, Mick.” I smiled as he nodded, “Beautiful as ever, princess.” Mick spoke soft before continuing to play his guitar at a slow place.

Nikki spun around in the chair, “Come over here for a minute.” He spoke as I stood up and walked over to him, “I have written all these songs over the year I was away. I mean the guys helped but a majority of it was me.” Nikki said handing me a small stack of papers. I went through it, reading some of the lyrics. They were amazing.

I found my way onto Nikki’s lap as I felt him tense up, “Do they have music to them yet?” I questioned, putting them down on as I wrapped my arm around the back of his shoulders.

“Uh…” he cleared his throat, trying to adjust underneath me as he wrapped an arm around my waist, “Some of them do. I wrote some for you actually, or about you or you were inspiration for them.” He rambled on as I started running my nails through his hair

“Is that so? Are you gonna let me hear them or are you gonna make me wait until whenever you publish the album?” I questioned him, eyes locking on his as he looked away from me. He grabbed a glass bottle of sparkling water, taking a sip before he spoke up again.

“I can show them to you now, but you can’t take it too personal and you can’t get upset. They sound amazing.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, “Okay, I won’t. Play them for me.”

Nikki exhaled, before pushing a button. The song started with a woman’s laugh followed by what sounded like a zipper being pulled down.

‘…..A country smile and charm

Out in the back of my ‘58 Chevy

She said she’d do me no harm

You know she makes me feel good

Just like a bad girl should

She goes down

She goes down

She goes down, down down down….’

As the song went on, I found myself getting frustrated and my smile was slowly fading away. I looked over seeing Tommy and Vince laughing at the song, “And what’s so god damn funny to you?” I asked, glaring at them as they both shut their mouths.

‘…..Always a lady

I love Southern ladies

They just know how to please

It’s like connecting the dots

Start at the bottom, lick it to the top….”

I scrunched up my face, “Nikki…” I warned him as his laughed, kissing the side of my arm.

Nikki wrapped his arms around me tighter when I tried getting off his lap, “Babe, baby it’s just about the sexual acts. No one is gonna know it’s about you. They’ll think it’s just some random girl.”

I glared at him, “Really Nikki? Really? I’m going to know it’s about me-“ I gasped at the next part I heard, “For all of my friends she goes down? Huh, wonder who that could be about?” I side eyed Tommy, before looking back at Nikki “You’re lucky it’s well done.”

Nikki let out a laugh, “Okay that I could have changed but look, it sounds good right? And you know you like it I can see it. I didn’t just do a song about you doing all that okay? There’s another one.”

I looked him over, exhaling, “I am ecstatic can’t you tell?”

He pulled me closer, giving me a soft kiss on the lips, “Shut up and listen.” He pressed more buttons, stopping the track before another one started up

I bounced my foot to the beat of the song, nodding my head as I go into it, “I like this one better.” Nikki smiled at me, as I continued listening to it.

My lips parted as I heard the chorus, I lightly smacked his chest, “Girl, don’t go away mad, Just go away. Nikki what the fuck?” I pouted, as his song were making me feel insecure, “When you said you wrote some songs for me I was picturing something more romantic, not a complete roast on me.” I explained as he let out a laugh, hands squeezing my hips.

“Oh relax, Van. I’ll write something romantic for you one day.” He reassured with a kiss on the cheek.

Tommy shuffled over, nudging Nikki’s shoulder, “You did that one sappy love song, show her that one.” He let out a shrug as Nikki glanced between him and myself.

“Fuck no, no that’s too soft. I can’t believe you assholes even agreed to let it get produced.” Nikki fought back, shaking his head.

“Let me show you Dr. Feelgood. That’s what we’re calling the album.” Nikki tried changing the subject.

“Enjoy kid.” Mick said coming over, tousling my hair as he played with some buttons, “mick please don’t.” Nikki begged, seeming embarrassed.

The song began with a sad sounding electric guitar riff as Vince’s voice seemed more powerful than usual:

“…Without you, there’s no change

My nights and days are grey

If I reached out and touched the rain

It just wouldn’t feel the same…”

I looked at Nikki as he looked into his water bottle, “Stop looking at me.” He mumbled as the song went on, and man, was I becoming a puddle in his lap. I leaned into him, moving my legs so they were draped over the arm of the chair as his hand moved to lay on top of them.

“…I could face a mountain

But I could never climb alone

I could start another day

But how many, just don’t know

You’re the reason the sun shines down

And the nights, they don’t grow cold

Only you that I’ll hold when I’m young

Only you… as we grow old…”

I chewed on my bottom lip, feeling him gently move my legs off of him as he turned off the song, “And that’s enough of that.” Nikki said, his eyes meeting mine. I lowered my head, pressing my lips against his. He smiled into the kiss as Tommy and Vince started hooting and hollering.

Maybe things would finally be okay with Nikki and I now that he was sober. We just need to take things one day at a time and it will be fine. We can do this. I want to do this.

#motley crue #motley crue fanfic #motley crue imagine #nikki sixx #nikki sixx fanfiction #nikki sixx imagine #the dirt #the dirt fanfic #the dirt imagine #1980s #rock n roll #douglas booth! nikki sixx #douglas booth! nikki sixx fanfic #douglas booth! nikki sixx imagine #motley crue fanfiction #nikki sixx fanfic #the dirt fanfiction #tommy lee #vince neil #mick mars #my idea #my story #fanfiction #writing

[probably-writing-x]

High Society 2

Going back to school today felt a little sickening. The uniform seemed to send a chill down your spine and every glimpse of yourself in it made you a little more light headed.

"Ready (Y/n)?" Peter calls up the stairs, "Can't be late,"

"I'm coming," You respond, grabbing your bag from the floor and hurrying downstairs.

You kiss Evan goodbye and rush outside to where Peter was making his way toward the car. As soon as you're settled inside, there's another eerie silence.

"You're going to be okay, you know?" Your Dad begins as he sets off.

"You've said that before," You mutter, settling your head against the window to try to focus on the blur passing by outside.

"If he's innocent, they'll find him innocent," He assures you, turning down the long winding route toward school.

"What do you mean if?" You snap, "He's innocent Dad, I know he is,"

"I know you care about him bu-" He sighs, "How can you be so sure?"

You swallow the burning lump in your throat, "I know Noah. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body,"

~~~~~

"God I'm glad to see you," An all too familiar voice groans from beside you and you poke your head out from behind your locker door to see Zendaya stood.

"How was your break?" You ask, collecting your Chem books and lab coat from the untouched locker.

"I spent most of it at the prison," She shrugs.

"How is he?" You say, caution lacing your words as you close the door slowly.

"You'd know if you went to see him," She snaps quickly, "I'm sorry. I know it's not easy to trust hi-"

"I do trust him," You reply hurriedly, "It's just tough I guess,"

"He's not doing so well, really, he-"

Her words fall like white noise around you as your eyes land upon the group of three that had just come walking down the staircase, heading straight towards your eyeline.

It doesn't take long for Z to notice as she watches Tom's eyes latch onto yours and remain there. Yours focus on him intently until they're distracted by the mop of curls beside him.

"I'll catch you later," Z says, nudging your side a little as she catches up with Haz and walks away with him.

And so you're simply stood, watching as the Holland brothers walk closer and closer to close the lasting gap between you.

"(Y/n)," Tom starts, his words shaken by the lump in his throat.

He looks tired, though it's the first day of term. And his eyes seem to glass over like he could cry at any second.

And for a moment, you're completely lost in his innocence. But then your eyes are back on Harry. And he looks just like Harry. In all ways the boy you'd met in September. But this Harry was a murderer. Walking free.

"I'll see you in chem," You nod, stepping past the three of them to continue walking down the corridor.

"(Y/n)!" Tom exclaims, turning round to catch your arm, "Please,"

You clench your jaw and try with every morsel of your being to not glance back to him.

"You ignore me all break and you're still not talking to me?" He says, pleading now, "Can't we at least talk about this?"

You take in a deep breath and begin, "The gym, second period,"

~~~~~

And just like that, second period rolls around far too quickly. You cautiously walk through to the gym and find Tom sat with his legs dangling off the boxing ring, awaiting your arrival with bubbling anxiety.

"Hey," He says, jumping up to meet you as you walk toward him.

"Hi," You respond, forcing a little smile.

"I missed you,"

Your jaw clenches like it's the only thing you know how to do, "Let's talk,"

The two of you find yourself sitting down on the edge of the boxing ring, an uncomfortable and awkward distance between you.

"Before you start," Tom interjects, "Can I at least ask how you're doing?"

You swallow, "I'm doing okay,"

"And Evan?"

~~~Friday 25th January 2019~~~

"Alright, I want you to go to your house and pack a bag," Tom grips onto your trembling arms like you're about to crumble in front of him, "Just grab the essentials okay?"

You nod and blink through your blurring vision, trying more and more to focus on his every word.

You're sprinting through the back lane between your two houses and eventually rounding the corner to the home you'd apparently be leaving tonight.

It doesn't pass your mind when you first enter through the doors, trying to calm your frantic breathing in fear of waking up your parents.

You get upstairs instantly, stuffing items into a duffle bag with hands that shook with far too much reason. The only thing you wanted now seemed to be your parents. You wanted their arms around you as they stroked your hair and told you they'd figure it all out because you were still their little girl.

"Fuck," You wince, shaking your head as you sling the bag over your shoulder and make your way toward the stairs once again.

It's the turned on light in their bedroom that confuses you the most, and the wide open door. The bed hasn't been slept in and the drawers are all opened like someone was frantically searching for something they'd never find. There's a tightness that aches in your chest straight away and it's impossible to pass.

But your phone starts ringing.

"(Y/n)!" Tom's voice is more frantic than your thoughts, "Where are you? We need to go,"

And you'd listened.

~~~~~Now~~~~~

"I shouldn't have gone. I knew something was wrong and I-"

"Hey," Tom settles his hand over yours, "You had no idea. That night was- We didn't know what we were doing,"

"Yeah, you're right," You fight back a fresh batch of your tears, "We watched someone get murdered, did everything we could to cover it up and ran away from home. All whilst my Dad was fighting for his fucking life in hospital,"

"If we'd have known, we coul-"

"We could've what, Tom?" You raise your voice, jumping off the boxing ring, "You and I both know that nothing was keeping us here that night. We wanted to leave and we did. Nothing was changing that,"

"(Y/n), come on," He pleads, grabbing your wrist as you make attempt to leave, "You couldn't have done anything more, you know that,"

You let out a strangled scoff as you fight off the immense surge of tears, "I could've told the police what I knew before they arrested an innocent man, Tom. I could've picked up my Dad's calls instead of ignoring them. I could've been here for both of them through it all instead of acting like I could live some fantasy away from all of this with you,"

He lets you walk away this time, his hands dropping to his sides.

Until you reach the door.

"Wait,"

You don't turn around, but you stop in your tracks.

"You're not going to tell anyone, right?"

And, with that, the door swings shut behind you.

~~~

"(Y/n)!" Harrison's voice calls from behind you and you glance round your locker to see him hurrying across to you.

"What's wrong, Harrison?"

"No, nothing, actually," He shakes his head, "I was just wondering whether I could walk to class with you,"

You frown a little but nod nonetheless, "Of course, how was your break?"

"It was okay, I went to my grandparents' place in Spain. Just needed some time to get away from everything," He admits, scratching at the back of his neck.

"I don't blame you, I think we all needed to," You reply, tightening your grip on your books at your chest a little.

"Yeah, yeah, I guess it's the same for you. I mean Imogen was annoying sometimes but she was a good person," He says and you're not sure if he's convincing himself or you, "And she was your sister,"

"Hardly, she wanted nothing more than to not class me as family," You shrug, "I don't blame her,"

"Yeah, but still, don't you think about it?"

When you go to respond, Harrison's hand grips you to stop you from walking into the class, his eyes look utterly terrified, "I don't think Noah did it (Y/n),"

Your mouth opens and closes a few times but words completely fail you.

"We need to get to class Haz," You mumble, stepping away from his enclosed focus quickly and heading inside.

You see Tom's eyes on you instantly, eyeing the seat beside him that was normally for you. His eyes are flitting between you and Harrison, evidently wanting to know all the details of that small exchange.

"Is this seat taken?" You ask quietly to a boy you didn't recognise who sat alone.

"No, no, go ahead," He waves absently, leaning back on his chair and crossing over his ankles as they settle on the table.

You smile as somewhat thanking him and settle into the chair, trying to ignore Tom's burning gaze on you.

"Alright, it's nice to see you all again class," Mr Fitz begins as he steps into the front of the room, "We have some new students joining us for the remainder of the year and for the foreseeable future,"

Your eyes flit to the boy beside you and you're met with him exaggeratively wiggling his brows in your direction.

"Students, please meet Finn and Alexa," Mr Fitz gestures to them, "Please, make them feel welcome,"

Alexa seems to be a quiet girl sat towards the front of class with her head buried in a book that clearly required every morsel of her attention.

Finn, however, appears quite the opposite. He's opted now to start flicking through the book you always kept with you. However, he's not mocking you. The boy appears to be truly invested in what each page says.

"Is something interesting you?" You ask quietly, "Or can I have my book back?"

He smirks and settles the book back down where it had been exactly placed before, "I prefer Oscar Wilde,"

You roll your eyes and turn back to face the front. Tom's eyes are on you once again but you dismiss him instantly.

~~~

"So how does helping me find the lunch hall sound? I didn't really listen when they did the tour," Finn admits, scratching the back of his neck.

You roll your eyes, "I need to go home,"

He fakes a gasp, "Skipping school? Not what I expected,"

"Just for lunch," You comment, "Good luck,"

Collecting the rest of your things, you begin heading toward your locker, finding Tom hot on your heels.

"I'll drive you home," He says, taking some books from you as you struggle to balance it all.

"I can walk,"

"And you'll spend the majority of lunch doing so. Just let me drive you, please," He sighs, slipping your Spanish book into place.

You glance at him hopelessly, letting your tense shoulders drop, "Fine,"

~~~~~

"Hey Dad," You knock gently on the bedroom door, "Thank you Penny,"

The nurse politely dismisses herself as you and Tom step inside the bedroom.

"It's good to see you again Mr (Y/l/n)," Tom nods respectfully.

"Again?" Evan grumbles, shifting uncomfortably in the bed.

You hurry over instantly, fixing the cushion behind him to let him lay down properly, "He doesn't have a great memory of a lot from before the accident."

Tom's jaw clenches and he opts to sit down in one of the chairs beside the bed as you perch on the arm rest.

"How's school?" Your Dad asks, "Did Peter manage to get you there on time?"

You chuckle a little, "Surprisingly, yeah. You don't need to worry about that,"

Your Dad smiles a little and cautiously shifts his hand until it finds yours, "I'm tired, darling,"

"Yeah, get some sleep Dad," You encourage, "I'll tell Penny to make you some lunch for a little bit later,"

He settles his eyes to close and you are left waiting in still silence until you hear his breathing even out and his hand slip slightly from your grip.

You pull your hand away and shift awkwardly on the armrest, now realising how close you were to Tom, "You know, when I first got back after it happened, he had no idea who I was. It was just Dad with him the whole time so that's all he knew. And then I came in and I remember he just screamed, and he was yelling and it was like he was trying with everything he had to just get me away from him and I-"

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay," Tom settles a hand on your back, the other moving to your knee as he squeezes gently.

"He's my Dad and he didn't even know who I was," You suppress another sob, "But the worst thing was that I don't think I would've even recognised me. I mean fuck, after everything that's happened, maybe he'd be happier if he didn't know-"

"Don't even say that," Tom affirms, standing up and moving to crouch to your height in front of you, both hands moving to cup your face, "Your Dad, both of your Dad's, they'll always always love you. And you've done nothing that could even possibly question that,"

"We covered up a murder T," You shake your head, "And sometimes I think that's worse than us being the ones to kill her,"

He takes a deep breath and his hands almost fall from your face, "We had no other choice,"

"Yeah, you're right," You scoff, "And I'll hate myself for it every day,"

"It's not your fault, and you know that," He encourages.

"You're lying to yourself if you think that's the case," You get up and head toward the door, "I'll get us some lunch,"

That was how it would be with you and Tom now. This twisted relationship in which you couldn't be with him but you couldn't be apart. He was in all ways a person you should want to get away from now. But there was one night, and a thousand other memories, that tugged your heart to him and made sure that your hand always found his when you were running from fire. Which you guessed you'd be doing a lot. The raging fire of guilt wouldn't just leave you now.

~~~~~

Tags: @imarypayne @sunshine112 @bringmethehorizonandpizza @supernatural-girl97 @vibhati123 @butithasntkilledyouyet @faefictions @carisi-sonny @trap-house-homiecide @spiderrpcrker @tommydaspidey @oneblckcoffee @darlingtholland @fanficparker @xxtomxo @httpfandxms @jackiehollanderr @bookish-and-shy @trustfundparker @kaitlynjones12 @czygrlm @imagine-lovebug

#Tom holland #Tom #Tom x reader #Tom x you #Tom x y/n #Tom holland x reader #Tom holland x you #Tom holland x y/n #Tom imagine #Tom series #Tom drabble #Tom blurb #Tom one shot #Tom holland imagine #Tom holland series #Tom holland drabble #Tom holland blurb #Tom holland one shot #Harry holland #Sam holland #Harrison osterfield #Zendaya #High society #High Society series #High Society 2 #Elite #Elite Netflix

[flamingryanhayes]

One Call Away \\ Ryora

WHO: Ryan Hayes and Nora Miller (@drxnoramiller)

WHEN: Sunday, January 19th, morning.

NOTES: Alice informs Ryan that Nora is taking a case hard.

WORD COUNT: 1,785

True to his word, Ryan was at the hospital as quickly as he could be. It wasn’t often that a case weighed so heavily on Nora, but there was something about an abandoned baby that he knew she wasn’t going to be able to shake off. Hell, he couldn’t even shake of the idea and he hadn’t seen the baby.

Before getting to the hospital he stopped by a local breakfast dinner and grabbed a couple of Nora’s favourite wraps, he knew she’d have a harder time saying no if he was eating too.

Once at the hospital, he made his way up to the third floor and one of the nurses he knew pointed him in the right direction. He knocked on the door softly before coming in. “Room service for Dr. Miller.”

If Nora had stopped to think about it, she would have guessed that someone at the hospital had reached out to Ryan. He wouldn’t just magically wake up with the knowledge of her surgery. But there wasn’t any room in her mind at that moment for anything besides the little boy. Her heart ached to think about him. As soon as he’d been brought in, she went into doctor mode. He was hurt and needed her.

But after the night waned on and surgery completed, she had nothing to stop her from feeling it. Feeling this little life that was abandoned like garbage, feel the heartbreak of hearing his cries so desperate for help and relief, feel the sorrow of having to amputate part of his limb.

Her hands were clasped together as she sat on the edge of the bed, head hung as prayers raced around her head, stopped only by the knock and the sound of Ryan’s voice. She didn’t try to sit up straight, opting only to look up from her hands. “Hey,” she said, voice small.

Nora wasn’t someone that often let these things get to her. She was the head of her department and had years of learning how to compartmentalize these kinds of situations, something Ryan was no stranger to in his line of work. But, there always would come a case or a day that hit you hard, for reasons far outside of anyone’s control. Nora was clearly having one of those days.

Ryan placed the bag of food on the table beside his friend and sat down on the bed next to her, placing a hand on her back, rubbing it gently. “Alice gave me the rundown,” he said quietly. “And it sounds to me like you saved his life.”

It shouldn’t have surprised her that it was Alice. The woman had run in as one of the nurses as soon as they’d taken the baby into the examination room. She’d been there through the surgery. Part of her wishes the woman hadn’t reached out to Ryan and the other part was beyond thankful the moment he was sitting beside her, hand on her back.

Her throat tightened as she held back the wave of emotion that hit her. “He was abandoned in an alley. Thrown away in a backpack, scared and hurt.” She stared at her hands that hadn’t yet unclasped. “...Just brand new.” A sniffle has her shaking her head. “If you heard how he was screaming..”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Ryan whispered, winding his arm around her and giving Nora’s shoulder a squeeze. “He’s here and he’s lucky and I doubt he’s screaming anymore.”

Ryan knee better than to say it would all be okay. People in their position couldn’t make promises. What he could do right now was hold her and tell her that she did everything right though.

He knew this feeling all too well. The first time he’d had to pull a kid from a fire after Beth was home had hit him hard, even though the kid had been entirely okay. Ryan knew that no matter what happened with this baby, positive or negative outcome, he’d be with Nora every day now, just like all the extraordinary cases were for her.

Nora was no stranger to hearing someone in pain, especially a child. She’d specialized in pediatrics because while it was hard to hear them in pain, it felt more rewarding getting them out of it. Helping that boy make it through the night was a blessing she’d been given, but it hurt now. Covering her hands over her face, she took a few deep breaths, letting the pressure of his grasp steady her like she hadn’t been able to steady herself.

He was alive, she repeated to herself. He’s here. He’s lucky. He’s not screaming anymore. That was good. They were all good things. She said it again, willing herself to take the win, but it didn’t stop her from turning slightly towards Ryan and collapsing her head against his chest. She just needed to be weak for a minute. Her hand curled into his shirt and she held onto him as she let out what she’d been holding in.

Emotions were something Ryan could handle. From the moment he’d sat down next to Nora he’d been waiting for her to let go and let herself breathe. To let out what she couldn’t with her doctor face on. Ryan was here so she could put Dr. Miller away for a minute and just be Nora. Nora with the bleeding heart and the will to fix everything in her path. Nora, who despite her own lack of children, loved them like no one else he knew. The Nora who could feel everything.

When she let go, Ryan held on. He wrapped his arms around her and smoothed her hair gently. There were no false promises of everything being okay but he assured her she was doing everything right and that everyone around her knew the same thing.

This little guy, so small, so needy. Born early, broken, and without anyone to be there for him. It hurt and she let it hurt. The feeling flowed freely the second the first tear was allowed to fall from her eyes and she didn’t stop it. Ryan had seen her at her low point, just as she’d seen him. There was no pride or shame between them, no need to apologize for being human and hurting. Nora let the tears fall until there were no more and she slowly fell silent, now just resting in his arms and finding that comfort she’d needed.

Nora wasn’t sure how long she remained there, and she knew he wouldn’t rush her, but she still straightened herself up slowly and wiped at her eyes. It wasn’t uncommon for her to have been up as long as she had been so she was sure there was a very attractive mix of puffy tear-stained eyes with bags under them. “I’m a mess,” she said, making fun of herself as she sniffled. Then she looked up at him, meeting eyes that were warm and gentle and kind and.. “Thank you for coming.”

Ryan had nowhere to be so sitting here with his friend was his only priority. The cries began to slow but he didn’t move. This wasn’t a cycle he was unfamiliar with, he knew her well. Just like she was always there when he needed it. When he’d woken up in the hospital all those years ago, Nora’s was the first face he’d seen. Heartbreak and triumphs, that was the unspoken agreement between the two of them.

When she finally sat up she was quick to make a comment about being a mess. Ryan shook his head. “You’re fine,” he assured her, knowing the comment would likely go ignored. “Of course I’m here. I’ll always be here,” he continued, pushing a stray piece of hair behind her ear.

It felt natural at this point to lean on each other. Whatever it was, whatever it would be. Nora couldn't imagine her future any differently, having someone who knew what she needed without her having to say a thing. Her hand slid up to his wrist, just a light touch as he tucked her hair back, cool chills dancing up her spine when his fingertips just barely brushed her neck. Something so simple made such a complete difference.

Leaning in, Nora let out a small, contented sigh as she let her forehead press lightly against his, and closed her eyes. The warmth she felt, the silence of the moment, it filled up that piece of her that had been aching since the previous night. "I know," she whispered. "Me too. Forever."

Ryan didn’t move when Nora came close. There really wasn’t anything else in the world besides them right now. His hand had all but stilled at the nape of her neck and her hand was on his.

Ryan would have repeated forever if there hadn’t been a knock at the door that brought him back to reality. Without thinking, his hand dropped and he leaned back. “If .. that’s important, you should go.”

There was an unrecognizable feeling in his stomach. His right hand instinctively found his left and he twisted the ring that was on his finger. Nerves.

Ryan couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt nerves like that. The last time he’d been close to another person like that. What was happening?

The room stilled and it felt like everything else outside of them, outside of this moment, fell out of existence. Every breath felt like it brought them closer. Her skin felt the warmth against his, electricity thrumming between the two of them and  sparking along her flesh. There was a pull of something coming from inside her, like a magnet that eased her closer. Or eased him closer? She couldn't tell.

She felt the tickle of his breath on her lips and she became very aware of how close they were, but she didn't want to pull away. She wanted to dive into it. She wanted to let go and...

The knock yanked Nora out of that moment and she turned towards the sound, letting the person peer their head in and give her the update that she'd asked for. She nodded and thanked them before rising to her feet. "Yeah, I.. I should go.. and check on him."

She walked over to the door, the thought suddenly racing through her head. Had she just tried to kiss Ryan? She'd been leaning in, hadn't she? Nora smiled back at him. "Thank you again, for being here.. for seeing through the 'i'm fine.' I'll call you later." Tapping her hand on the door, Nora then head out of the room, the question of what had almost happened in there lingering in her head.

#para #chara:nora miller

[bechloeislegit]

The Heart Wants What It Wants

CHAPTER 10

The next morning, Beca woke up around seven and looked around. She smiled when she saw the nursery set up in her room.

"Wait," Beca mumbled. "This is now our room. Mine, Chloe's, and Sophie's."

She sat up and leaned back on her hands as her smile got even bigger. She got up and went into her ensuite to take a shower. As the water cascaded over her, thoughts of how she got to where she was started running through her mind.

Her mind wandered as she washed her hair and rinsed it. A sad smile came to her face as she thought about her dad. As many do once someone passes away, she wished she could turn back time so she would have made more of an effort to keep him in her life. But, maybe it was supposed to be like that. Maybe he was supposed to leave and she was supposed to ignore him. If she hadn't, she wouldn't have gone to Barden; she wouldn't have been a Bella; she wouldn't have met Chloe. "I guess somebody knew what they were doing," Beca thought.

As she dried herself off, she remembered the day her dad left. She was six and begged him to stay; she cried harder when he walked out and quietly closed the door. Her mother picked her up and held her until she had no more tears. That was the last time she cried for her dad; that was until she learned about the accident.

Beca wiped her hands across the fog on the mirror and stared at her reflection. Tears came to her eyes, and she looked up toward the ceiling and whispered, "Mama B said you're up there looking out for me, dad. I hope it's true. I'm about to become a wife and a mother, plus my music is getting noticed. I wish you could be here to see all this."

Beca laughed and sniffled. She looked around the bathroom as if someone was in there with her. She laughed again and her whole body shook as if to get rid of the goosebumps that had formed.

"I always blamed you for the divorce," Beca continued talking as if her dad was in the room with her. "It was easy since you weren't there to defend yourself. And, mom never dated anyone, at least that I knew about. I thought it was because she was still in love with you. Now, I'm not so sure. I might have to ask her about that."

Beca took the towel and quickly dried her hair. She put on her robe and looked in the mirror studying her face. "I have your eyes, dad. Maybe even your chin." Beca laughed again. "I think I got my stubbornness from mom. I'm pretty sure you'd agree with that."

Despite the laughter, tears ran down Beca's face. "I miss you, dad. And tell the step-monster I miss her, too. And, I wish I had said this to you more." She took a deep breath and swiped at her tears. "I love you, dad."

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

Chloe slowly opened her eyes and blinked a few times. She looked to the clock on the wall and saw it was almost seven-thirty. She smiled when she heard Amy's snores coming from her left. It brought back memories of their little New York apartment. You never knew what noise you'd wake up to.

She slowly stretched her arms over her head and glanced to her right to see Ashley curled up in the chair sleeping. She laid back and stared at the ceiling as a smile came to her face.

"Just two more days and I'll be Mrs. Chloe Mitchell," Chloe thought. Her mind wandered through her memories over the last seven years.

"Oh, right. This is a thing now."

"Sorry, but I don't sing. But, it was nice meeting you guys."

"You can sing!"

"We're going to be really fast friends."

Chloe's mind went to the many times Beca pushed her away and how much it hurt her every time. She wished she had the courage to tell Beca how she felt when she first started having romantic feelings for her. They could have both been saved a lot of pain and heartache.

Chloe wiped at a tear that fell down her cheek. She forced her mind to turn to happier memories. Like how unfazed she had been when Beca showed up to save them from Amy's father. How no matter how many times she pushed Beca away, Beca came back.

A sudden thought struck her and another tear fell. If Dr. Mitchell hadn't died, she and Beca may have never had mended their friendship. It saddened her to think that Beca losing her dad was the reason they were together. But, she firmly believed that everything happens for a reason. Beca's dad passing, her getting appendicitis while in L.A., everything that happened, brought them to the threshold of a life together.

Chloe looked up to the ceiling and closed her eyes.

"Dr. Mitchell," Chloe whispered. "I know Beca misses you like crazy. I also know that you are up there watching over her. Watching over us. I promise you, I will do my best to not hurt her any more than I already have. I promise to be the best partner you could want for her and give her the best life. And I also promise that my daughter, our daughter, will know her grandpa on her mama's side."

Chloe opened her eyes and wiped the tears from her face.

"You okay?" Ashley asked, startling Chloe.

"Yeah," Chloe said with a smile. "Just reliving some old memories."

"You and Beca sure have had a tumultuous time getting where you are," Ashley said with a chuckle. "We all thought you two would have gotten together a long time ago."

"I believe we got here like we were supposed to," Chloe said. "That everything happens for a reason and it wasn't our time before now."

"That's a nice way to look at it," Ashley said.

"Thanks," Chloe said. "So, how are things with you?"

"Everything's good," Ashley said. "I'm a member of Disney's a cappella group called DCapella and we finished our first tour a few months ago."

"Oh, my gosh, Ashley," Chloe squealed. "Why is this the first I've heard of this?"

"The USO Tour kind of took over," Ashley said. "I had already joined and had rehearsals before we left for Spain. They had given us time off over the holidays and we started back up at the beginning of January. Our first show was on the nineteenth and we toured for three months."

"That's amazing," Chloe said. "I wish I could have seen you perform."

"It's okay," Ashley said. "I'll send you our schedule when we tour again."

"I can't wait," Chloe said excitedly. "I love Disney and a capella. It sounds like a lot of fun."

"It really is," Ashley said. "But, I'm still a Bella, so if we ever have the chance to sing together again, I'm there."

"It wouldn't be the same without you," Chloe said, bringing a smile to Ashley's face.

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

Beca arrived at the hospital around nine o'clock and went directly to Chloe's room. She was surprised to see the room empty. She looked up and down the hall and decided to walk around until she found her.

She rounded the corner and saw Chloe strolling along beside the nurse. She had the pregnancy waddle Beca had seen on other women; she was definitely not going to tell Chloe that. She quickened her pace and grabbed Chloe's hand, causing Chloe to squeal and look around.

"Beca," Chloe chastised. "You scared me."

"Sorry," Beca said, as she walked next to Chloe. "Where are Amy and Ashley?"

"They went to get some coffee and breakfast," Chloe said.

"Oh," Beca said. "So, how did you sleep?"

"I slept well," Chloe said with a smile. She gave Beca a side-glance. "Are you okay?"

"What?" Beca asked. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know," Chloe said, stopping to look at Beca. "You seem a little off. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I both love and hate that you know me so well," Beca said with a chuckle. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I was just thinking about my dad this morning and how I wish he was here for all this."

Beca looked down at the floor and Chloe pulled her into a hug.

"There's a nice balcony around this corner," the nurse said. "It's private and I'm sure it would be good for you to sit outside for a while."

"That's a great idea," Chloe said and pulled back from the hug, looking at Beca. "Want to sit on the patio with me?"

"I'd like that," Beca said with a sniffle and a nod.

"Thank you," Chloe mouthed to the nurse as they made their way to the patio.

The nurse told Chloe to walk back by the nurse's station when they were through so she could help get her situated back in her bed.

"Thanks," Beca said as the nurse started to walk away.

Once the nurse was out of sight, Chloe and Beca sat on a bench near the railing. Chloe took Beca's hand and sat quietly next to Beca; she let Beca control how things were going to go.

"I was in the shower this morning and started thinking about everything that's been happening," Beca said softly, looking out over the railing of the patio. "And I realized that my dad was really gone and that I will never see him again."

Beca's breath hitched and Chloe pulled her into her arms. She wrapped her arms around Beca and used one hand to stroke Beca's hair.

"It's so unfair," Beca cried.

"I know, baby," Chloe said.

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

An hour later, Beca and Chloe were back in Chloe's room. Ashley and Amy had returned as well and were chatting quietly in the corner.

Beca was laying on the bed with Chloe, with her head on Chloe's chest and a hand on Chloe's stomach. They were talking quietly to each other when Aubrey and Stacie came into the room and stopped.

"Hey," Aubrey said quietly as she walked over to the bed. "Everything okay?"

Stacie stood beside Aubrey, looking at the young couple. Ashley and Amy walked over and greeted the two Bellas.

"Everything's fine," Beca said and sat up. "Just having an emotional moment."

Chloe rubbed up and down Beca's back. Beca looked back at her and smiled.

"You okay, now?" Stacie asked.

"Yeah," Beca said. "Just a lot happening and I miss, um, I miss my dad."

"Oh," Aubrey said.

"It's understandable," Stacie said. "But, I'm sure he's keeping an eye on you."

"That's what I've heard," Beca said with a small laugh. "Oh, and my album is number six on the charts."

"Beca!" Stacie squealed and grabbed Beca in a hug. "That's so wonderful. I'm so proud and happy for you."

"Thanks," Beca said, pulling out of the hug.

"Congratulations, Beca," Aubrey said and hugged the younger girl.

Ashley and Amy both offered their congratulations as well.

"Thanks," Beca said.

Beca stood from the bed and stretched. Chloe watched her with a smile still on her face.

"Quit staring, Beale," Beca said. "It's creepy."

"I can't help it," Chloe said. "I'm afraid if I blink, you'll be gone."

"Not gonna happen," Beca said and leaned down to kiss Chloe. Beca ended the kiss and put her forehead against Chloe's. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Chloe said.

"They're at it again," Jessica said as the rest of the Bellas came into the room.

The girls laughed and Beca pulled away from Chloe with a blush on her cheeks. She sat on the edge of the bed and took Chloe's hand.

"Where have you guys been?"

"We went to see the babies in the maternity ward," Emily said. "They are so darned cute."

"Wait a couple of months and you'll see the cutest baby ever to be born," Beca said proudly.

Chloe grinned and laid her head on Beca's shoulder.

"You have seen Bella right?" Stacie asked with a playful glare.

"I stand by what I said," Beca said, causing Chloe to chuckle into her neck.

"I'm with Beca," Chloe said.

"Let's call it a tie," Aubrey said, trying to be diplomatic.

"I can live with that," Stacie said, looking at Beca with a raised brow.

"Fine," Beca conceded. "Bella and Sophie will be tied for the cutest baby ever to be born."

"Sophie?" Stacie asked, eyes wide.

"Um, what?" Beca said with a deer in the headlights look.

"You said Sophie," Emily squealed. "Is that the name you picked out?"

"Um," Beca said not wanting to look at Chloe.

"It's okay, babe," Chloe whispered as she lifted her head to look at Beca. "We can tell them."

"I'm sorry," Beca said. "I wasn't thinking."

"It really is okay," Chloe said and gave Beca a quick kiss. "I kind of like being able to call her by her name and not just the baby."

"So?" Aubrey asked. "What's her full name?"

The girls all looked on in rapt attention. Beca cleared her throat.

"Her first name will be Sophie," Beca said.

"After my grandmother," Chloe interjected.

"Her middle name will be Patricia," Beca said, smiling at Amy.

"After one of our best friends who has done so much for us," Chloe finished.

All the girls turned to look at Amy. Amy's smile was a mile wide.

"Really?" Amy asked.

"Yes, really," Chloe said.

"It's a wonderful name," Aubrey said. "A strong name."

"Hear, hear," the Bellas all cheered as Amy's smile grew even bigger.

A few minutes later the girls were chatting quietly when Chloe asked Amy, "What time will my folks get here?"

Amy checked her phone and said, "The jet arrives in about an hour. I have a car meeting them to bring them here."

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

About two hours later, Charlotte and Carl arrived at the hospital. Charlotte was all smiles as she walked into the room and hugged Chloe.

"We have the ring," Charlotte said as Carl took it out of his pocket and handed it to Chloe.

"It's beautiful," Aubrey said, as Chloe held it for the others to see.

"It is," Jessica said.

"I can't wait to give to Beca," Chloe said.

"Where is Beca?" Carl asked.

"Oh, her bridesmaids took her out for a bachelorette lunch," Lily said.

"So, you four,-" Charlotte said as she pointed to the four Bellas in the room.

"Are Chloe's bridal party," Ashley said. "We'll have to do something for Chloe when she gets out of here."

"You can do something for me now," Chloe said with a big smile on her face.

"What do you have in mind?" Aubrey asked.

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

Stacie's phone pinged with a text alert and she pulled out her phone. She read the message and smiled.

"You girls ready to go?" Stacie asked.

"I need to use the bathroom before we leave," Beca said as she stood.

"You go ahead," Emily said. "We'll take care of the check so we can leave when you get back."

"Sounds good," Beca said and left the table.

Stacie waited until Beca was out of hearing range and turned toward the other girls. "Aubrey just texted me," Stacie told the girls and proceeded to tell her what was in the text.

The girls left as soon as Beca came back from the bathroom. They were laughing and enjoying each other's company on the ride back to the hospital.

Once they arrived, Stacie stopped Beca by the waiting area on Chloe's floor.

"You girls go ahead," Stacie said. "I need to talk to Beca for a minute."

Amy, Emily, and CR continued on to Chloe's room as Stacie dragged Beca into the waiting room.

"What's going on, Stacie?" Beca asked.

"I'm thinking of asking Aubrey to marry me," Stacie said.

"That's great, Stacie," Beca said giving the taller brunette a quick hug. "When are you planning to do it?"

"I, um, don't know," Stacie said. "I was hoping you could help me with that."

"Whatever you need," Beca said. "You know that. I'm sure the girls will help, too."

Stacie's phone pinged with a new text message. She read it quickly and turned to Beca.

"We should go," Stacie said. "That was Aubrey asking where I was."

"Okay," Beca said and stood up. "I'll think up some ideas and we can talk more tomorrow. "

"Thanks, Beca," Stacie said. "Let's go."

Beca and Stacie made their way to Chloe's room, chatting about the wedding on Saturday.

"What's going on?" Beca asked as she saw a weird light coming from Chloe's room.

Beca quickened her pace and Stacie was on her heels. Beca got to Chloe's room and entered, only to suddenly stop when she saw the scene before her. She looked around to see battery operated candles sitting on every flat surface in the room.

Stacie pushed past her and joined the rest of the Bellas who were grouped together in the middle of the room.

Charlotte and Carl were standing next to Chloe's empty bed. Beca furrowed her brow and walked over toward them.

"What's going on, Mama B?" Beca asked Charlotte. "Where's Chloe?"

Beca's head turned when she heard the girls start humming. She smiled when she heard Chloe's voice coming from the back of the group.

105 is the number that comes to my head When I think of all the years I wanna be with you Wake up every morning with you in my bed That's precisely what I plan to do

The girls parted and Chloe walked out to face Beca. Beca had to hold back a laugh at seeing Chloe standing there in her hospital gown as she sang.

And you know one of these days when I get my money right Buy you everything and show you all the finer things in life Will forever be enough, so there ain't no need to rush But one day, I won't be able to ask you loud enough

I'll say will you marry me I swear that I will mean it I'll say will you marry me

How many girls in the world can make me feel like this? Baby I don't ever plan to find out The more I look, the more I find the reasons why You're the love of my life

Beca looked over her shoulder when she heard a noise to find a group of nurses and passersby standing in the doorway watching. She turned back to Chloe, her smile even bigger.

You know one of these days when I get my money right Buy you everything and show you all the finer things in life Will forever be enough, so there ain't no need to rush But one day, I won't be able to ask you loud enough

I'll say will you marry me I swear that I will mean it I'll say will you marry me

And if I lost everything In my heart it means nothing 'Cause I have you, girl I have you So get right down on bended knee Nothing else would ever be Better, better The day when I say

I'll say will you marry me I swear that I will mean it I'll say will you marry me

I'll say will you marry me I swear that I will mean it I'll say will you marry me

Ooh whoa ooh oh Ooh whoa ooh oh Ooh whoa ooh oh

Chloe was now standing within an arm's length of Beca and looked into her eyes as she sang the final verse.

Would you marry me baby 105 is the number that comes to my head When I think of all the years I wanna be with you Wake up every morning with you in my bed That's precisely what I plan to do

Beca stared into Chloe's tear-filled eyes. Chloe smiled and stared back at her.

"Beca," Chloe spoke quietly. "I love you with all my heart. Will you accept this ring as a token of my love and marry me?"

Beca could feel all eyes on her and Chloe. "You already asked me."

Chloe smiled as she said, "I'm asking again. In front of all of our friends and family."

"In that case," Beca said and took a step closer so she and Chloe were toe-to-toe. "I'll have to say yes again. The answer will always be yes."

Chloe reached down and took Beca's left hand. With shaking hands, she placed the ring on Beca's finger.

"I love you," Chloe said as she smashed her lips against Beca's.

Everyone started clapping and cheering. Beca pulled back from the kiss and laughed.

"You're such a dork," Beca said as she and Chloe kissed again.

Beca and Chloe ended the kiss as she heard "Congratulations!" coming from the doorway. They both smiled and said thank you. The group started to leave and the Bellas couldn't hold back anymore and swarmed the couple in a hug. Carl put his arms around Charlotte and smiled.

"Those two belong together," Carl whispered. "I'm glad they finally got their act together."

"Me, too," Charlotte said as she led Carl over to congratulate the couple again.

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

Emily and Beca were helping Chloe get packed up to leave the hospital. Charlotte, Carl, and the rest of the Bellas were waiting at Beca's apartment.

"I think that's everything," Chloe said as she put her toothbrush and toothpaste into the bag.

"The nurse should be back in a minute with your paperwork and instructions," Beca said.

As if she heard, a nurse came into the room. She went through the paperwork with Chloe and Beca. As Chloe was signing the release papers Dr. Maxwell walked in.

"I see you're all ready to go," Dr. Maxwell said.

"Yep," Chloe said with a big smile. "Thank you for everything you have done for me."

"It was my pleasure," Dr. Maxwell said. "Here's the list of OB/GYNs I promised. Sorry, it wasn't in with your paperwork."

"This is great," Chloe said as she looked over the list. "Thank you."

"Yeah, thanks for everything, doc," Beca chimed in.

"You're welcome," Dr. Maxwell said and turned to Chloe. "You take care of yourself. Follow the instructions I put in your paperwork. I don't want to see you here again unless it's to give birth to your little girl."

"No worries," Chloe said. "I don't plan on being here until then."

"Here's your copy of all the paperwork," the nurse said, handing a folder over to Chloe. "I'll get a wheelchair and we can get you out of here."

"Thank you," Chloe said.

The nurse left and Dr. Maxwell asked Chloe if she had any questions. Beca listened closely as Chloe asked a question or two. The nurse returned and Dr. Maxwell bid them farewell and left the room.

Chloe sat in the chair and Beca and Emily grabbed Chloe's stuff. They followed behind the nurse as she pushed Chloe down the hall. Chloe called out "thank you" to the nurses she had.

The girls got into the car and the driver pulled off, heading toward the Court House. Beca was surprised at how quickly they were able to get their Marriage License and get Emily noted as an Officiant for their wedding.

As they waited for the car to pick them up, Beca sent a mass text to let the girls know they were on their way.

"I'm so excited," Emily said looking down at her Officiant's License. "I can't wait to marry you two."

"Thanks for doing this for us, Em," Chloe said.

"It's my pleasure," Emily said.

The car pulled up and Beca helped Chloe get settled. After a minute, the car pulled off and drove to Beca's apartment.

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

Beca put the key in the door and pushed it open, allowing Chloe and Emily to enter. Beca came in behind them and shut the door. Her mouth flew open in surprise when she saw her mom standing there.

"Mom?!" Beca squealed and ran into her arms. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"

"I wanted to surprise you," Sarah said. "You didn't think I'd let my only daughter get married without being here, did you?"

"I didn't think you could make it on such short notice," Beca said wiping at a tear that fell down her cheek. "I'm glad you're here."

"Me, too," Sarah said and turned to take Chloe into a hug. "You look radiant."

"Thank you," Chloe said.

"Pizza should be here in about ten minutes," Amy said as they all took seats in the living room.

"Thank, God," Chloe said. "I've been dying for pizza all week."

"I have to say," Carl said. "Having pizza for a 'wedding rehearsal dinner' is quite unique."

Chloe laughed and said, "Everything about this wedding is unique."

"Ashley shared the video of your proposal," Sarah said. "It was very romantic."

"It was," Beca said and kissed Chloe's cheek.

"I had to do it," Chloe said. "The first time I didn't have a ring and I wanted to make it officially official."

"Thank you," Beca said. "I loved it, and I love you."

"I love you, too," Chloe said and kissed Beca.

"Speaking of making it official," Beca said and took the necklace holding Chloe's ring off. "Should I ask again, or can I just put this on your finger?"

"Ask me properly," Chloe said with a smile.

Beca did as she was told and got down on one knee. She asked Chloe to marry her and Chloe said yes. Beca put the ring on Chloe's finger and pulled her up so they could kiss.

There was a knock on the door, and Chloe nearly shoved Beca to the ground as she pulled away and said, "Pizza's here!"

Beca couldn't help but laugh. "The love of my life, everyone."

The girls laughed as Chloe went running to the door. Beca and Aubrey rushed over to help carry the pizzas.

Stacie and Emily walked in from the kitchen with plates, napkins, and drinks.

After everyone was done eating, Beca took Chloe up to show her their room. Chloe walked around smiling as she touched and looked at everything. She loved everything the girls did for them.

"Chloe," Charlotte called out from next to the bed. Chloe looked over to see a box she hadn't noticed on the bed.

"Those are your baby clothes," Charlotte told them as she opened the box.

Chloe and Beca oohed and ahhed over everything.

"There really is a lot of pink," Beca said as Charlotte pulled out the last item.

"This is the outfit Chloe was wearing when we brought her home," Charlotte said, a soft smile on her face as she remembered that day.

"I bet our Sophie will look adorable wearing that home," Beca said and Chloe nodded in agreement.

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

It was getting late, and Chloe yawned.

"You ready for bed?" Beca asked.

"I am kind of tired," Chloe said sleepily. "It's been a long day."

"Come on," Beca said and held out her hand to Chloe. "Let's get you to bed."

"Nope, not gonna happen," Stacie said.

"Excuse me?" Beca asked, confused.

"You're coming with us," Emily said.

"What? Why?"

"You're getting married tomorrow," Jessica said. "You can't see the bride before the wedding."

"But, I can't leave Chloe alone," Beca said.

"Your mom is staying here in my room," Amy said. "And, the Beales will be in the guest room so Chloe won't be alone. Aubrey is staying in your room with Chloe, so she can help Chloe get ready in the morning."

"But, I-" Beca started.

"Don't worry, babe," Chloe said. "After tomorrow we can share a bed again without anyone telling us we can't."

"Fine," Beca said. "I'll go pack my bag."

"Already done," Stacie said. "We took it to the hotel earlier."

Chloe tried to hold back a yawn and Beca walked over to her. "I guess we'd better go so you can get some rest."

"I'm sorry," Chloe said.

"Don't be," Beca said and kissed her. Chloe kissed her back. "I love you and I'll see you tomorrow."

"I love you, too," Chloe said. "I can't wait to be married to you."

Beca leaned in and gave Chloe a soft, loving kiss. She pulled back and rested her forehead against Chloe's.

"Okay, you two," Stacie said. "Let's go so Chloe can get to bed."

Beca kissed Chloe one more time and quickly left with the others before she changed her mind. Aubrey led Chloe up to bed and got her settled. Chloe was asleep in minutes.

Aubrey went back downstairs and helped Charlotte, Carl, and Sarah clean up before they all headed to bed.

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

The next morning, Beca woke up in a strange bed and it took her a moment to become cognizant of where she had slept.

"Damn Amy and her let's have a bachelorette party," Beca mumbled as she held her head in her hands.

Beca managed to stumble into the bathroom and get herself showered. When she came out she found a text from Stacie telling her to meet them in the hotel restaurant for a quick breakfast. Beca donned a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and made her way downstairs.

She spotted Stacie, Emily, and Lily sitting together and walked over to them. She sat down and a waitress brought over a coffee pot and poured Beca a cup.

"Bless you," Beca mumbled.

"How are you feeling?" Emily asked.

"Like I drank too much," Beca said.

CR, Ashley, and Jessica came shuffling into the restaurant and joined Beca and the others.

"Oh, God," Ashley said as she held her head in her hands. "We are so not in college anymore."

The other girls chuckled and then moaned.

"Don't make me laugh," Stacie said.

"Where's Amy?" Beca asked.

"Who knows," Jessica said.

The waitress came by with another pot of coffee and poured some for the new arrivals. The girls ordered and the waitress left them.

"What's up, pitches?!" Amy yelled as she walked into the restaurant.

The girls moaned and grabbed their heads.

"Shut up, Amy," Beca said.

"Wow, Beca," Amy said as she sat down. "Why so harsh?"

"Because it's your fault we're all like this," Beca said.

"I didn't force you to drink, Beca," Amy said.

"Yes, you did," Beca said. "I seem to recall hearing 'Here, Beca. We have to drink to you and Red getting married.' My favorite though was, ‘Better drink now, shorty, because when Sophie gets here your drinking days will be over.’ Sound familiar?"

"Still didn't force you to drink," Amy said. "Just gave you some good reasons to drink."

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

Chloe woke with a big smile on her face. Today was the day she had been waiting seven years for; today is the day she becomes Mrs. Chloe Mitchell.

Chloe flopped down on the bed with a sigh of contentment. She raised her head when she heard a knock on the door.

"Come in," Chloe called out.

"Hey," Aubrey said as she entered. "Just checking on you. Charlotte and Sarah are making us a quick breakfast before everything gets crazy."

"I'm getting married," Chloe sing-songed.

"I know," Aubrey sing-songed back with a laugh. "I'm happy for you and Beca. Five months ago I would have bet money that it was really over between you two. But, life has a way of taking one of those unexpected turns and puts you back on the right path."

"That's very profound of you," Chloe said with a smile.

"Come on," Aubrey said. "Let's go eat so we can start getting you ready for your wedding."

Chloe got up and followed Aubrey downstairs.

"Good morning, mom," Chloe said and kissed Charlotte on the cheek. "Good morning, Sarah. Where's dad?"

"Right here," Carl said from behind Chloe. "Good morning, sweetheart."

Chloe hugged her father and kissed him on the cheek. "Morning."

"How did you sleep, Chloe?" Sarah asked.

"Sophie and I slept like babies," Chloe said and giggled.

"Sophie?" Sarah asked.

"Oh, I forgot, you didn't know," Chloe said. "I'm having a girl, and we are naming her Sophie Patricia Mitchell."

"That's a lovely name," Sarah said. "Any special reason behind the name?"

"Sophie was my mother's name," Charlotte said.

"And Patricia?" Sarah asked.

"After Fat Amy," Aubrey responded. "Patricia is her real name."

The group sat down to eat.

"What time do the caterers arrive?" Sarah asked.

"They should be here around nine-thirty," Aubrey said. "Beca invited a couple of people from the studio and they should be here around ten-thirty."

"When will Beca be here?" Chloe asked.

"Amy's going to have her here around ten-forty-five," Aubrey said. "The other girls will be here by ten-thirty at the latest."

"I love the dress Stacie found for me," Chloe said with a smile. "It fits really well."

"Told you it would," Aubrey said.

Breakfast was over and Chloe went to take her shower. Once Chloe was upstairs there was a knock on the door and Aubrey opened it to find the caterers. Charlotte, Carl, and Sarah went to their respective rooms to get ready.

Aubrey showed the caterers where to set and went up to Chloe. Chloe was sitting on the bed in her robe staring at the baby furniture. She had a soft smile on her lips when Aubrey walked in.

"Can you believe I'm going to be a mother?" Chloe asked.

"Yes, I can," Aubrey said. "I think you've always been destined to be a mother."

"Thanks, Brey," Chloe said, hugging her best friend. "Now, let's get me dressed."

~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~ ~oOo~

Chloe had a smile on her face and tears in her eyes as her father walked her down the stairs to the 'altar' set up in the middle of the living room. Her father kissed her cheek and Chloe stood next to Aubrey.

Sarah walked by Beca's side as she came from the side hallway to join Chloe. Once Beca saw Chloe, her eyes never left her. Sarah gave Beca a hug and a kiss on the cheek before Beca stepped to stand in front of Chloe.

Beca reached up and wiped a tear that had run down Chloe's cheek. Chloe smiled and leaned into Beca's palm. Beca cupped Chloe's cheek for a few seconds before letting her go.

"Are you ready?" Emily whispered to the couple.

Both nodded their heads and turned to face Emily.

"Good morning, everyone," Emily said. "As you all know, my name is Emily Junk, and I have the privilege of performing this ceremony today. On behalf of Beca Mitchell and Chloe Beale, welcome and thank you for being here."

Emily smiled and looked around the room.

"Beca and Chloe are thrilled that you are here today to share in their joy during this wonderful moment in their lives. By your presence, you celebrate with them the love they have discovered in each other and you support their decision to commit themselves to one another for the rest of their lives."

Beca glanced at Chloe and smiled. She continued to look at Chloe as Chloe listened to Emily speak.

"This morning we are here to celebrate love. We come together to witness and proclaim the joining together of these two persons in marriage.

"God does not make a love that is wrong. This is the union of two individuals in heart, body, mind, and spirit, Therefore, marriage is not to be entered into lightly, but reverently, honestly, and deliberately. And it is this union that Beca and Chloe come now to be joined."

Emily reached over to her side and brought forth a bible. She opened to the page that was bookmarked.

"I would like to read from the Bible a piece written by St. Paul," Emily said.

Emily cleared her throat and used her finger to find the passage.

"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs but rejoices with the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, love never gives up... Three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Emily closed the bible and looked at Beca and Chloe.

"Beca you have chosen Chloe to be your life partner. Will you love and respect her? Will you be honest with her always? Will you stand by her through whatever may come? Please answer I will."

"I will," Beca said clearly.

"Chloe you have chosen Beca to be your life partner. Will you love and respect her? Will you be honest with her always? Will you stand by her through whatever may come? Please answer I will."

"I will," Chloe said, looking over to Beca.

"And do you both promise to make the necessary adjustments in your personal lives in order that you may live in a harmonious relationship together? Please answer We do."

"We do," Beca and Chloe said together.

Emily smiled and looked around the room.

"Now in the spirit of joy and affirmation, I want to ask your families and friends a question. Do you, the families and friends of Beca and Chloe, give them your blessing and support this day, wishing them a wonderful life together? Please answer, We do."

"We do," the group answered together as one.

Beca and Chloe both looked around with smiles at everyone. Emily continued the ceremony.

"Beca and Chloe, we now come to your vows. May I remind you that saying your vows are one thing but nothing is more challenging than living them day-by-day. What you promise today must be renewed tomorrow and each day that stretches out before you. Will you now please turn and face each other and hold hands, looking at each other."

Beca and Chloe did as Emily instructed.

"Beca, please repeat after me: In the presence of God and our family and friends, I Rebeca Cooke Mitchell choose you Chloe Anne Beale, to be my life partner, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, to love and to cherish, and to be faithful to you alone. This is my solemn vow."

Beca repeated the vows while staring into Chloe's eyes. Chloe stared back at Beca and wiped tears from her cheek.

"Now Chloe, please repeat after me: In the presence of God and our family and friends, I Chloe Anne Beale choose you Rebeca Cooke Mitchell to be my life partner, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, to love and to cherish, and to be faithful to you alone. This is my solemn vow."

Chloe repeated the vows through her tears. Emily turned to look at Aubrey and Amy.

"May I have the rings please?"

Emily held out the bible and the rings were placed on top.

"Beca, please take the ring with your left hand and Chloe's left hand with your right. As you place the ring on Chloe's finger please repeat after me. Chloe, I give you this ring, that you may wear it as a symbol of the vows we have made this day. I pledge to you my love and respect, my laughter and my tears. With all that I am, I honor you."

Beca repeated the words and pushed the ring onto Chloe's finger.

"Chloe, please take the ring with your left hand and Beca's left hand with your right. As you place the ring on Beca's finger please repeat after me. Beca, I give you this ring, that you may wear it as a symbol of the vows we have made this day. I pledge to you my love and respect, my laughter and my tears. With all that I am, I honor you."

Chloe repeated the words and pushed the ring onto Beca's finger.

"Now may those who wear these rings live in love all their days. Now may the love, which has brought you together, continue to grow and enrich your lives. May you continue to meet with courage any problems, which may arise to challenge you. May your relationship always be one of love and trust. May the happiness you share today be with you always. And may everything you have said and done here today become a living truth in your lives."

Emily's voice faltered a bit before she continued.

"Beca and Chloe, we have heard your promise to share your lives in marriage. We recognize and respect the covenant you have made here this day before God and each one of us as witnesses. Therefore, in the honesty and sincerity of what you have said and done here today and by the power vested in me by Los Angeles County in the State of California, it is my honor and delight to declare you married and partners in life...for life. You may seal your vows with a kiss."

"Finally," Beca said and pulled Chloe to her in their first kiss as a married couple.

Everyone started cheering and applauding as Beca and Chloe broke the kiss. Beca and Chloe turned to face their friends and families.

"It is now my personal privilege and great joy," Emily said, "to be the first one to introduce Beca and Chloe Mitchell as the newly married couple. Partners in life... for life."

Beca leaned over and kissed Chloe once more before everyone gathered around to congratulate them.

_____________________________________________________________

Song used: 'Marry Me' by Jason Derulo

Wedding vows were taken from the Wedding Ceremonies by All Seasons website after a Google search of same-sex wedding ceremony vows.

#bechloe fanfiction #bechloe #beca mitchell #chloe beale

[lowsodiumfreaks67]

Some questions are difficult to answer

Sorry Iv been a little m.i.a bit I got a little something for y’all.

a/n : for some unknown reason this piece does not look right on tumblr mobile so I apologize in advance if its difficult to read, I also uploaded it to my wattpad if you want to read it there instead. @obsessionunhealthy 

Summary : Its your first Supernatural convention of the year in Nashville because Seattle got Con-blocked. You’re joining your husband Jensen and your costar Jared for your first panel together when a fan asks a question that brings back some memories. 

Warnings : Talks of attempted suicide.

Word Count : 1806

More chapters will be posted as soon as I get time :) xx

"Ladies and gentlemen please welcome to the stage the Winchesters, Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles and his wife the wonderful Mrs Y/N Ackles"

Richards voice rang loudly through the speakers as you made your way up the stairs and through the curtain to the stage, you were greeted by loud cheering and whooping from the audience, Richard and Rob welcomed you all with warm hugs and wished you good luck, you waited until Louden Swain had finished playing Carry on my wayward son before you raised your mic to speak.

" What's up Nashville " you all shouted into the mics at the same time making the crown cheer even louder than before.

" Wow y'all are loud " you said with a massive smile on your face, you turned to Jensen.

" Howdy y'all, it's good to be back, I do love me some Nashville "

Jared then raised his mic " How you guys doing today? Any first timers? " a lot of people in the audience cheered loudly making all three of you look at each other surprised.

" Really y'all have never been to a supernatural convention, this is your first one ? " you asked making them cheer again.

" How long have we been doing this ?" Jensen asked still in shock

" 14 years " Jared answered quietly " 14 years " Jensen got up from his seat a little and shouted into his mic " 14 YEARS "

" Some of you guys were only 2 when the show started so that's understandable " you said as you looked out across the audience before someone shouted from the back " I was only born " you jumped from your seat in shock and walked to the edge of the stage

" You were what, how old are you ? "

" I'm 14 "

" Your 14 oh my gosh WE'VE BEEN DOING THIS YOUR WHOLE LIFE" Jensen exclaimed.

“ When were you born ? “ you asked

" I was born in January " she answered

" January what ? " Jared asked

" January 25th "

" Two thousand and ? " Jensen trailed off trying to work it out

" Five " she answered back

All three of your dropped your mics in shock, Jared and Jensen slumped into their chairs whilst you just dropped to the ground at the front of the stage and lay there, the audience erupted into laughter and cheers.

" We’re so old " you said into your mic dramatically without moving making the audience laugh even harder.

" So you're what a freshman in high school ? "

" Yeah that's right "

" Oh my god freshman in high school, that's mind boggling " you sighed from the ground

“ I can drive too “ she shouted

" You can already drive ? " Jensen asked before turning to Jared and shouted " IT DRIVES "

" Alright alright calm down " Jared chuckled placing a hand on Jensen's shoulder

" Fun fact he still can't drive " Jensen stated matter of factly whilst looking out at the girl and pointed at Jared

" And I still got 22 years on ya " Jared said mockingly but then began to fake cry as Jensen pulled him into a side hug, the audience was laughing loudly at your guys reaction at this.

" Oh my god we gotta change the subject im not liking this " you said as you got back up from the floor and walked back to your seat. Jared turned his seat to face the right side of the stage " Yeah lets get some questions going, hey there " he said to the young girl at the left of the stage waiting with a mic " Hello everyone I just wanted to ask if there has there been anything embarrassing or funny happen on set recently ? " you let out a small chuckle and spoke first " Well I kicked Jared's ass last week whilst playing with Tom and Shep last week, all i'll say is that I a woman and 2 kids managed to pin him down whilst Odette attempted to give him a wedgie, Gen videoed thing I’ll get her to post it for you guys, that must have been a pretty big kick to the ego " the audience laughed as you blew a kiss in Jared's direction.

The rest of the panel went on like this, you guys making fun of each other, telling stories, making jokes and having tremendous fun with the audience, it wasn't long before it was time for the last question, you finally stopped laughing after Jared finished his story about the train in Europe and turned to face the girl standing to the left of the stage.

Now you were in front of her you could see her face was soaked with tears and she was shaking like a leaf, you pulled her into a tight hug and whispered in her ear " Its okay honey, what's the matter? "

" I uh um I just got a little overwhelmed sorry I wasn’t expecting to be chosen for a question, I just wanted to thank you guys for everything you've done for me this past year " you pulled away slightly but still held her arms, " What's your name ? "

" Its Gabriela but everyone calls me Gabby "

" Well Gabby i'm very pleased you’re here with us and that this massive family has helped you through a tough time and as Jared would say Always Keep Fighting because it will all be some sort of okay someday "

" Thank you so much, may I ask you how it is that you keep a positive mindset even when going through tough times ? "

You pulled her in for another tight hug before heading back up onto the stage, Jared handed you your mic as you sat back down between the boys again.

" Alright sorry about that guys, the wonderful Gabby has asked how it is that I keep a positive mindset even when things are tough and if i'm being honest it's pretty damn hard to stay positive sometimes, just like everyone else I do have days where I just don't feel happy, I’m run down or i'm feeling super unmotivated but I get through those days with the help of my friends and family, both on set and here with you guys " the crowd cheered loudly as you turned to Jensen and Jared who were both smiling at you gently.

" Surround yourself with those you love and who make you happy, shutting yourself away and pushing those people away can be the worst thing you could ever do, I did that and it was quite possibly the worst decision of my life, that and the haircut I had during season 4 I mean what was I thinking " you joked making the audience chuckle a little before they quietened down again.

" About 7 years ago I went through a pretty tough time and instead of speaking up and accepting the help that was right there in front of me, I suffered in silence and that led to my mental state getting so out of control that one day when I got home I broke down completely as soon as my front door shut, it had been a good day on set, the scenes weren't too hard and everything went smoothly but inside my head I was fighting a losing battle, so I just I locked myself in my flat and turned my phone off, I shut out the outside world completely " the crowd was eerily silent as they listened to you speak, you could even see a few people in the front row with tears in their eyes, taking a deep breath to calm yourself you started back into your story.

" Uh no one but Jared, Jensen and Erik Kripke know what happened that night but that was the night I tried to take my own life " you let out a shaky breath when you heard a few people in the audience gasp, Jensen wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you into his side as Jared grabbed your free hand and squeezed it then held it between his two large warm hands as you continued.

" I had forgotten that these two were coming over to run lines for the episode ' A little slice of Kevin ', I wasn’t answering the door or my phone so they decided to break down my front door Winchester style, I’m about to get a tiny bit graphic here but when they charged into my apartment they found me lying on my bathroom floor covered in and lying in a puddle of my own blood, they got me to the hospital in time for doctors to save my life, I will always thank Chuck for putting these two Idjits on this earth " a few of the audience members chuckled whilst others awed when you leaned up and kissed Jensen gently then reached over and pulled Jared into a tight hug.

" Okay so the lesson you should take from that is that you need to wake up positive, never go to sleep angry with anyone because you never know what could happen, try not to worry about what might go wrong in the day, focus on what will go right no matter how small it may be whether it be going out for lunch with a friend or grabbing a coffee with someone you haven't seen for awhile, remember you never fail at anything, you just gain experience and knowledge you can use to help in a future situation " you pulled yourself from the boys and got up and walked to the front of the stage.

" Y'all I want everyone here to know that there will always going to be someone out there who is going to listen to whatever it is you have to say and if right now you don't know who that person it then come to me, my email is on my Instagram and twitter, you guys can send me private messages, I even have a P.O box if you'd like to write me a letter, i'll always be here to support you guys no matter what and i'll always try my best to help you in anyway that I know how " the crowd cheered and clapped as you made your way off the stage back to Gabby.

" Thank you so much for coming and asking your question today, if you ever need someone to vent or talk to then drop me a message and i'll try help the best I can " you wrapped your arms around her in a tight hug before heading back on stage which was now occupied by Richard and Louden Swain.

Jensen met you at the end of the stage and extended his hand to you to guide you back up the stairs as Jared spoke to everyone, " Thank you so much everyone for coming out, sorry if we bored you too much with our stories, well see y'all later on " the audience cheered and clapped as you guys waved before exiting the stage whilst Louden Swain played Your Love by The Outfield.

#supernatural #supernatural imagines #jensen ackles #jensen ackles imagine #Jared Padalecki #jared padalecki imagine #dean winchester #dean winchester imagine #Sam Winchester #sam winchester imagine #spn #alwayskeepfighting #jared x reader #jensen x reader #dean x reader #sam x reader

[hangonimevolving]

Inside Out and Upside Downs

Hi all.  Thought I’d update on various and sundry agenda items going on in my life.  Never a dull moment ‘round here.

HEALTH

Firstly, let’s talk about my innards.  There’s been a whole lot of activity going on with regard to my innards of late.  Thanks to the excitement of my Disney flu adventure and my New Years ICU party, I am now the subject of a great deal of medical speculation and attention, from a variety of parties.  I have a standing weekly blood draw and appointment on Thursdays with my hematologist (fancy word for blood doctor) to monitor my platelet levels, and other misc blood-related information that concerns immunoglobulins and weird, mysterious things like that.  I have had two appointments, as well as a momma-jomma lab workup, with a rheumatologist (fancy word for doctor who specializes in autoimmune issues).  I’ve had an appointment to set up care with a brand-new-to-me primary care physician.  And in the middle of all of this, I decided that since I’m going to be in/around the hospital so frequently, I might as well do a short course of physical therapy for my ankle - I never got around to doing it, so now is the time.  So that’s a recurring weekly appointment on Tuesdays.  I’ve also got random other crap, like a random head MRI happening tomorrow, and I’m sure there will be random tests, scans, and studies that random doctors will order at random times, and I’ll have to fit it into the schedule.  I am being thoroughly examined, inside out.  And with all of these medical opinions, appointments, tests and what not - in the last 24 days, there has been NO concrete diagnosis or evidence about why this whole thing actually happened.  There are several theories, the two most likely of which are a) I have an autoimmune disorder.  Well, we already know I have one autoimmune disorder (a not-so-bad one, called Graves Disease/hyperthyroidism, which I was first diagnosed with in 2006, and which involves your own body perceiving your own thyroid gland as a foreign object, and attacking it with antibodies).  But now there is some evidence that I may have a second one, possibly a more problematic one, that is causing my immune system to overreact to normal viruses and things, and go on self-destructive rampages against my own platelets.  Dumbass immune system.  Now, what IS this second autoimmune disorder?  THAT we don’t know.  Because, the rheumatologist ran that momma-jomma test I was telling you about, and all that showed up is this one value called a positive ANA test which indicated “daaamn, there’s something f%^ed going on in this lady’s immune system!”  It was a very high positive result.  But, the specific tests to identify antibodies for known issues like lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, etc. were all negative at this time.  So.  To be continued with that whole theory..... 

Then there is theory #2, which is b) maybe this whole thing really WAS just the flu.  Maybe the strain of virus I got was really bad, and it resulted in such a pronounced war that it just took a toll.  Dunno.

Anyway.  We’ll obviously be following this medical mystery with my innards closely the next few weeks.  Oh, and one more thing: so my platelet levels are sorta trending down.  At hospital discharge, I was at like 313K, then the next week it was like 250K, then 180K, and yesterday, 146K.  They’re going to keep monitoring, and the hope is that the downtrend will plateau at some point (preferably above 30K), and then it will start to climb up when my own bone marrow gets its shit together and starts producing new platelets.  If that doesn’t happen - I’m looking at more IVIG infusion treatments.  So let’s see how it all goes down.

WORK

A second area of activity has been my job!  The spring semester at Uuuu! started on January 13, and I am teaching two courses this time around, for the first time since 2016.  I am teaching my studio dance course, per usual, but I also agreed to a late plea for help from my former department to teach a lecture/discussion course that I’ve taught jillions of times before, but haven’t done in about four years.  It feels good to be back in classroom teaching mode.  The course meets three times a week, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.  So I’m quite busy, leaving the house around 8 am to drop the kids off at school, then getting back behind the wheel and making the hour-long drive to campus, arriving by about 9:30 am and teaching my two courses back to back.  I have a big huge hike between my classes too, because they’re on opposite sides of campus, so by the time I’m done teaching, it’s about 12:20 and then I have this big long hike back to my car, then the drive back home, and I arrive around 1:30 pm.  I grab a bite to eat, then at 2:45 its time to get the kids.  Then three days a week, they have their extracurricular activities after school, so I’m shuttling them to those things.  Then Tuesdays and Thursdays, all my medical appointments, which have been taking the majority of my mornings and early afternoons.  Phew!  This is all a far cry from about a year ago, when I had several mornings a week to go for a long run, either in my neighborhood or at the local state park, and I was training intensely twice a week with my Spartan SGX coach.  I’ve had to seriously curtail my working out - I took a spill on my first run following the hospitalization, and the entire family freaked out about my putting myself at a bleed risk if I were to fall, bump myself, or otherwise get an injury, even a minor one, while exercising.  This has been a huge crimp in my style, not working out - and if I weren't so busy with teaching, I think it would seriously depress me.  But I keep telling myself its only temporary, and soon we’ll have some answers to my situation, and I”ll be able to get back into it.  Till then, I’m trying to get back into meal prep and eating clean, and doing some mild exercise like light jogs and walks, light weight training, etc.  

ADULTING

My mention of weight training is perhaps a segue to this next update, which I’ll keep brief and annoyingly vague.  I am going through some painful adulting right now, that makes some moments feel like I’m being swallowed up by a tsunami.  I’m gonna survive... but, yeah.  I’m wading in the flood right now.  

Okay, now for some miscellaneous updates.  Mainly so I can post some pictures.  This has been very text-heavy for my tastes.

MISC

On the topic of clean eating..... did you know that both papaya and pomegranate are natural platelet boosters?  Supposedly.  I’ve been doing a lot of research on foods and other natural ways to help boost my platelet production, and these were the top two foods that were consistently mentioned on platelet disorders blogs and forums.  I confess I’m not a big fan of these fruits - but I’ve tried to put my tastebuds aside, and incorporate them into every day.  Happily, papayas are widely available in the Miami area year-round. 

I’ve handled the pomegranate thing by buying 100% pomegranate juice, and making cocktails of pomegranate + papaya juice (which is papaya pulp mixed in pear juice).

On the topic of foods and eating well - here is my guilty indulgence of late.  I ADOOOOORE ramen bowls.  ADORE.  And I know they are the opposite of low-carb and healthy.... but I have been making a ton of them at home lately.  I try to make them as healthy as I can, by 1) only using half of the ramen spice packet that comes with the noodles - this cuts the sodium to a tolerable amount (plus I drink lots of water), 2) I sautée minced garlic + approximately one full cup of shiitake mushrooms + approximately 1.5 full cups of baby spinach leaves in a dash of olive oil, and add to every bowl I make (mushrooms are full of B-vitamins and, alongside garlic, are huge immunity boosters, and spinach is full of iron and calcium, and is a good thing for me to be eating to make my blood sort itself out) , and 3) I often either crack an egg over the entire boiling mixture right at the end, or I add in sliced hard-boiled egg for extra folate and protein.  And I sometimes add in a handful of raw shredded carrots right at the end, for a little crunch, color, fiber, and beta carotene.  I *think* that I’m doing my best to make this indulgence food a little healthier, and tailored to my specific medical situation.

Soup has been a huge craving of late, because we had a surprising cold spell in Miami.  It got down to 39F day before yesterday!  That’s probably the coldest its ever been since we moved to Florida.

Afternoon snuggle time was especially snuggly - Dey and I were huddled for warmth!

My ability to run and work out at a high intensity may be somewhat muted at the moment, and this has been sort of a hard mental adjustment for me.  But I am trying to get outside and do things, because it makes me feel better, and also I imagine the vitamin D is good for me.  The other day, I was feeling pretty dumpy and blah - so I did something that for some reason I’d been putting off, “saving” for a special occasion, whatever.  I cut the tags off of a brand-new Spartan licensed active top that I’d purchased on Cyber Monday, put it on, and went for a light 2-mile jog in the neighborhood.  I felt silly in a way of making a big thing of it in my head - but the truth is, it lifted my spirits.

What else... Oh, this was exciting!  GUESS WHAT, dudes.  On Monday, I saw a real live MANATEE in the lake behind our house!  I could hardly believe my eyes.  A neighbor had reported on our community WhatsApp group just the day before seeing a manatee from her backyard.  She posted a picture of it, which I am shamelessly going to post here.  The manatee I saw, about 24 hours later, was different - it was considerably smaller than this one, I think probably a juvenile (not quite a baby, but definitely not humongous like this one).  But it was swimming slowly near the sea wall that abuts our backyard, munching on some sea grass just like this big manatee.  I did my best to run into the house and call the kids to come out as quietly as they could to see it - I think they caught a tiny glimpse, but our footsteps must have spooked it, because it definitely swam away quickly.  I hope we’ll see it again!

Photographic evidence that we are LEGIT Floridians who hang out with manatees :)

Last but not least - on the topic of water creatures, gotta give a shout-out to my Vev, who “leveled up” at his swimming lessons this week to Junior Swim Team!  The swim school has about 10 levels through which kids have to work to get to this point, and in the last ~18 months, Vev has completed them all.  I was somewhat nostalgic and verklempt when he got his ribbon this time - I feel like it was only yesterday that we took him to swimming school for the first time, where he screamed bloody murder and cried the entire duration of his 25 minute assessment, clinging desperately to his teacher and feeling panicky about letting go in the water.  How far he’s come!

(by the way, Dey is also doing wonderfully at swimming, and is only like 1.5 levels away from his own Junior Swim Team ribbon).  

So some of my life is inside out and upside down right now, it is true.  But some of it is Upside-Up.  I work hard EVERY day to focus on the Upside-Up, and what a treat it is to see.  These kids, the sunshine I get to enjoy here, the afternoon snuggle times, delicious food that also is good for me.... net balance is that life is good, I’m still alive and kicking, and everything is gonna work out fine.

Toodles!

#fitness #platelets #Sickness #Vev #Dey #food #animals

[dbhilluminate]

DBH: Illuminate- “Coffee Break: Broken Nose”

(Chapter art by Optcldrift)

Characters: Detective Gavin Reed, Cameron James, Special Agent Vivienne Lenore Word Count: 3,975

What drives a man to hate the world so much that he would close himself off to it?

Previous Chapter

• Chapter Index • Characters •

-------------

January 2nd, 2020- 7PM

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Gavin stared at the far wall at the other end of his hospital bed and fingered the class ring around his middle finger- not his, but a friend’s, once belonging to someone more important to him than the shitty people that dare called themselves his family. Yeah, that’s right, once. That is until about two days ago.

Cameron was the only person who’d ever truly understood him, and probably the only real friend he ever had. Gavin had just turned seven when they’d met in elementary school, in the fall of 2009. Cam’s dad had just been arrested for the third time that year on domestic dispute charges, and some of their asshole classmates had decided to pick at him for having a deadbeat dad while he was still very raw; but that day he just couldn’t take it anymore, and he lashed out like a cornered animal. That was the first time Reed had really seen him as more than just the wallflower everyone seemed to ignore. Because even while pinned to the ground and outnumbered, Cam fought tooth and nail, through snarling lips and furious eyes that screamed about how even though he was just eight years old at the time, he had already run out of shits to give. And that day, so had Gavin. He’d pulled one of the boys off him and thrown him to the ground, kicked him in the stomach, then dropped to his knees and punched him until his teeth chipped and his lip bled and he cried for teacher’s help because the kid was too chickenshit to finish what he’d started. And it felt good, because that day he’d found his twisted soul mate- one that was every bit the raging bull ready to gore the first jackass to wave a red fucking cape in his face, and one he would have taken on the whole goddamn world with if meant he had a friend to ride or die for by his side. Truth was, deep down, Cam was just as broken, and angry, and fucked up as himself; but, and he came to learn, he was also hopeful, gentle, and courageous, everything he never thought himself to be. And that was why he’d liked him so much.

Cam had been given nothing in his entire life, until he meet Gavin Reed- and as far as he was concerned, from the moment he’d squinted over at him with that toothless, ear-to-ear grin while they sat outside the principal’s office that day awaiting their punishment, he was his white fucking knight. When he realized he rarely ate, Gavin gave him his lunch because he could tough out a little hunger, because he knew he could at least eat later. When he needed money, Reed would hand him his allowance without even asking what it was for. And when the bullies came knocking, he stood by him back to back, better or worse, no matter the cost. Cam didn’t feel he deserved a friend like Reed, but neither did Reed think he deserved a friend like Cam- because no one had ever before loved either of them like a brother, and because no one had ever told them they were worthy of being loved as such.

See, Cam came from a broken home- he was an only child, but his mother was an alcoholic, and his father an abusive asshole who’d been in and out of prison since he was five years old. Cam had gotten his first split lip for mouthing off to him when he was nine, got his first job when he was thirteen just to put food on the table so he wouldn’t starve. He’d wound up in juvenile hall for stealing a car when he was seventeen, because he needed it to get to and from work but couldn’t afford to get his dead one fixed. Even still, in spite of all that he’d spit the blood out of his mouth, look hardship in the eye, give it a big old shit eating grin and say “fuck you, not today.” Cam was a survivor, scrappy and resourceful- never did enough to get into real trouble, but always just enough to keep his head above water.

Reed on the other hand had been born into a family of prodigies, raised by a nanny in the shadows of Fortune 500 parents and siblings whose coattails had always been just too far out of reach. They’d found their true callings before they’d even hit puberty (one now a nationally sought-after defense attorney, the other a Cyberlife engineer), while he was left behind, isolated and aimless: a gifted jock with a bad attitude that couldn’t play nice, that no coach in their right mind would have wanted on their team if not for his talent. Because of it, his relationship with his parents had always been strained, and they’d eventually grown so sick of it they’d threatened to cut him off from their money if he didn’t make something of himself. But Gavin didn’t care, because he wasn’t like them. He didn’t measure success as digits in a bank account or his picture on the cover of TIME magazine- his idea of success was pulling himself up out of the mud after being knocked down time and time again. It was bloody knuckles and black eyes and being able to throw up a strong middle finger in the face of those who claimed he wouldn’t amount to anything. Because his idea of success had been molded in the image of the one person who had always accepted him as he was and stood by his side... Until now. And he had no one to blame but himself.

They’d had a plan to grab everything they could throw into the back of his Chevy Nova and get the hell out of Detroit while the rest of the world celebrated the new year, before their families could even notice they were gone. It was supposed to be their fresh start, their chance at a better life, to escape the abuse and the toxic expectations that they were supposed to be anyone other than who they were: black sheep, troubled kids, the ones “with issues running so deep” adults had labeled them hopeless. The coroner’s report said he’d died on impact, but unfortunately for him Gavin knew that wasn’t true. What had really happened would haunt him for the rest of his life, and he’d take it to his grave to protect Cam’s mother from the truth. It had only taken seconds for their lives to change, but when he realized what was about to happen, Cam had closed his eyes and gripped his hand strong as a vice, and braced for impact. The sedan hit them nearly head-on on the passenger side at eighty-seven miles per hour and pushed the car two hundred feet before they were struck from behind by a truck, which hit them so hard it rolled them twice before the Nova settled onto its side in the middle of the road. When Gavin opened his eyes, he was pinned between the seat and the steel frame of the car, forced to watch as the light faded from Cam’s green eyes as he bled out. In his final moments, as the blood gurgled from between his lips and streamed down his forehead, Cam had cracked a concerned smile and forced out one last sentiment before he passed.

You can still be happy.

Anger bubbled up inside of him, and eighteen-year-old Reed balled his still-good hand into a quivering, white-knuckled fist, twisted his face into a despondent grimace, and choked on his grief. Why would he have said that? How could he have possibly thought that, of all things, that would be what he needed to hear? Not “I forgive you”, not “This isn’t your fault”. He had to have known he was going to blame himself, he had to have known he was going to need his forgiveness. So why that? This absolute load of bullshit… He couldn’t imagine a future where he could be, because no matter where he went, no matter what he did, Cam had always been a part of it. So how the hell was he supposed to move on and be happy without him?

Gavin grimaced as he moved the casted arm off his lap and laid it on the bed beside him. The surgeon who had pieced it back together said it had been crushed by the weight of the vehicle when it had rolled, one of the worst comminuted fractures he’d ever seen: twelve pins and a two plates. He’d be in therapy for the next six months, but “at least he’d gotten away with his life”. Apparently he was “lucky”, at least that was the word they kept throwing around. That’s what they’d said about the gash in his broken nose when they’d pried his head from between a folded-over support beam that had nearly crushed his skull like an overripe watermelon. First responders said he should have been dead, and in all honesty? He wished he was, because at least then he wouldn’t have to live with the guilt of knowing Cam’s death was on his hands because he couldn’t get out of the way fast enough, or his mother crying at his bedside, hysterical, reminding him of how much he’d meant to her son. If he hadn’t lived through the crash, he wouldn’t have had to grin and bear his parents blaming the accident on their attempted runaway, and not the jackass driving on the wrong side of the road. If he were dead he wouldn’t have to continue living without the only person he’d ever been bothered to give a shit about.

Gavin glanced out the window into the night but scowled when he instead saw his sorry reflection staring back at him- his head bandaged, left eye wrapped up beneath an eyepatch, the stitches on his nose still stained with iodine under a wad of gauze. With a scar like that, it was going to be impossible to put this behind him and move on, because he’d be reminded of it every time he looked in the goddamn mirror. He roared out an angry scream into the empty room and flung the dinner tray at the wall with all his residual strength, and wept quietly as the medical staff went about their business outside the glass doors of his room in the intensive care unit. Again he was alone in the world, and he wasn’t at all ready for it.

Following the accident, his parents forced him to get a job and start paying his expenses, in addition to applying to a University and “planning for his future”- a fucking slap in the face if he’d ever been. But because he was out of options he’d done everything they asked so he wouldn’t have to hear their bitching, and kept his cards close to his chest. Gavin took the money they’d given him and paid his tuition in full, separating his self-earned assets until he was fully self-sufficient, and bode his time until he could break out from under their ironclad grip of control. It took longer than he’d wanted, but eight years later, after he’d graduated with his Master’s Degree in Criminal Justice, Gavin severed the ties that had been hanging by a thread for so long. The ensuing blowout was explosive and violent, but he was prepared. For the first time that he remembered his father struck him, but he’d just spit out the blood and laughed in his face- because if he was trying to motivate him to stay, all he had done was drive him further in the opposite direction, as he had done all his life; and if he was trying to scare him, well, Gavin had been through so much worse. He’d threatened to take back everything they’d given him, but Gavin just reminded him the money was already spent. When he threatened to take away his car and stop paying his rent, Reed informed them that his neither of their name were on the pink slip for his car or the lease on his apartment, because he’d already been paying all his expenses for four years. And when he’d finally run out of leverage, Gavin had flipped him a strong middle finger, left them with three strong parting words he’d been waiting all his life to say, and never looked back.

Three weeks later he’d already breezed through a rigorous first week in DCPD’s Police Academy, and shot up to the top of his class without breaking a sweat. During his college years he’d learned just enough about communication to get by in the academy, but friends were another story. There had been a few, but they hadn’t stuck around long once they realized just how much baggage he was dragging. Being stuck in the academy with a bunch of straight-and-narrow Johnny-law types only served to reinforce his desire to remain in complete isolation, with no friends or lovers. Gavin had tried putting himself out there now and again, only to have it backfire in his face after a few weeks (or in some cases, a few days), which had caught him a lot of flack from the hyper-masculine would-be cops in training alongside him, but he just shrugged it off. “What’s the matter, Reed? You gay?” was one they threw around a lot thinking it would get a rise out of him, but were disappointed when they were instead met with apathy and eyes rolled all the way back as far as they could go. Maybe a little, but that wasn’t the reason he’d broken off every relationship he’d had before it had time to mature. Truth was, every time someone found out his family name they were real quick to turn up the charm, and nothing pissed him off quicker than some fake fuck who just wanted to use his father’s name to boost their social status. The Reed name meant jack shit to the family reject, he wasn’t special and he knew it. That’s why he’d done all this -not for the approval of distant, dissatisfied parents, not for the fame, not for the fortune- for himself and for the promise he’d made to uphold Cam’s wish for him, even if he hadn’t understood it at the time. Gavin had followed his own self-made path, just like they’d planned, and he’d done it by keeping fame-chasing, two-dimensional, “background characters” out of his life. But he hadn’t just chased them off because they were shallow as shit (because hell, even the ones that hadn’t cared about where he came from eventually came to grate on his nerves like sandpaper on glass), it was because they couldn’t see the world from his point of view, because none of them had truly understood him- not like Cam. No one ever had. Well, except for Cam.

For the first few months of his career Reed walked to and from work, just daring the city to take a swing, to throw him something - a robbery, a break in, a drunk dude trying to take advantage of a woman outside a bar - anything to scratch the itch of a good fight; but, like many things in life, it didn’t quite turn out how he’d hoped. Gavin never really had been one for religion or sentimentalism, but that night after nearly twenty-seven years of his miserable existence, he found himself believing that wayward souls could return to take care of unfinished business. Any other day Reed wouldn’t have given a second glance to a stray dog snarling at him as he passed, but it wasn’t snarling at him. It had something cornered. It took him all of five seconds to realize that something was a six-month-old kitten -hissing and clawing, furious and frantic- and as he trembled in recognition, instinct set in. A short sprint and one hard swing kicked hard across the dog’s rib cage sent it yelping and whimpering down the alley as he scooped up the animal and cradled it in his arms. To his surprise, tortoiseshell kitten didn’t struggle to escape his embrace, just squinted up at him and slumped into the crook of his arm with a tired sigh as if to say “Finally, I’ve found you”. And for just one night, as he stared into the grateful green eyes of the soul he already knew so well, Gavin believed in life beyond death. Cam had come back to him. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve such a gift, but he didn’t care, because with Cam back in the picture, everything became more tolerable. Coming home to his best friend at the end of a long day and being met with excited meows and a running leap up into his arms made all the bullshit worth it. As the years passed he thought about the accident less and less. With the help of an impressive rate of closure on his cases, Reed continued to climb the ranks at his job and traded the title of Officer for Detective with the minimum experience necessary for the position. It had taken him eighteen years to make good on Cam’s wish for him, and while life wasn’t perfect, he was at least on his way to being happy, and that was all that mattered. For a while.

November 13th, 2038- 10:30AM

Morning came hard after a restless night on the couch, and he ripped open his eyes with a sharp breath to the sound of purring and a prickly weight on his chest. The ginger and brown tortoiseshell cat stretched and contracted his toes as he kneaded at the detective’s neck and drooled into his shirt. Gavin let out a tired sigh and laid his arm over his eyes and clammy forehead to rest his mind for a minute, then reached to scratch the cat’s neck behind its ears. The old boy hunkered down with a happy, fluttery chirp, and he closed his eyes and listened to the soothing vibration. It had been a while since he’d dreamt of the crash- maybe a few months, maybe half a year, he wasn’t entirely sure. The way the days had blurred one into the next over the last five years since he’d become a detective, didn’t lend much help to his awareness of the passage of time. It had been eighteen years now since Cam’s death, and even though it had gotten easier to live without him, it still stung like hell every time he thought about it.

Reed traced his fingertips over the scar across his nose for a moment of deep thought, but cleared it from his mind as he rubbed the hurt from his raccoon-eyes with the heel of the hand on his still-good arm and stretched his legs out long. Cam shifted with a quiet meow and crawled up higher onto his shoulder to nuzzle under his jawline. Gavin let out a painful chuckle as the ten-pound cat crawled over the sling and sputtered a gentle “fuck” under his breath as the pain resurfaced and shot through his shoulder like tearing muscle. He was lucky the reconstructed AR’s the deviants were using only fired nine millimeter rounds and not the standard five-five-six. Smaller bullets meant his shoulder wasn’t nearly as torn up as it could have been, but even with the treatment he’d received to speed up the healing process (stem cells, 3-d printed right in to fill the wound), the pain was still pretty bad. Throbbing when it wasn’t stabbing, aching when it wasn’t burning- until the stem cells fused with the muscle, it was going to be an annoying recovery process.

The morning silence didn’t last long- almost as if he had woken up just to take the call, Viv’s name lit up the screen and triggered the ring.

Get up, get up, get a move on. Get up, get up, what’s takin’ so looooo~ng? Get up, get up, get a move on. Stop stallin’, I’m callin’-

Gavin groaned as he reached for the screaming cell phone in his pocket and lifted it to his ear with a, “Wha’dya want, Viv?” Couldn’t even have ten minutes to himself before getting back to the bullshit. “Oh, good, you’re awake,” she replied with a relieved breath. “How are you feeling today?” Before he answered, he tried lifting his right arm up to the shoulder, but yipped and groaned in her ear before shaking his head with an angry scrunch of his lips. “Not great,” his voice cracked in annoyed reply, at which she sighed and paused before asking. “You sober, at least?” “I’ve been sleepin’ since Connor dropped me off last night,” he assured as he tried to nudge the cat away from brushing its face with the stubble on his chin. “Well, we still have work to do, are you gonna make it today?” she asked as he sat up and pushed the cat off his stomach, ignoring the low growl from the old boy, then fumbled with the lid of the rattling bottle of pills with a shaking hand. “I’ll be fine,” he fibbed, dumping out a pill into the lid as it finally popped off. “I can still shoot straight with my left hand.” He could hear Vivienne chuckling and imagined her shaking her head at his stubbornness. “Well, get up and get dressed. I’ll be over in half an hour to pick you up,” she informed. “Don’ bother, I’ve got a bike,” he mumbled as he balanced the pill on his tongue and reached for the glass of water on the coffee table. “Do you have a death wish, or are you really just as stupid as you look!?” In spite of how indelicately she’d phrased it, the shrill panic still carried in her tone, and he grinned to himself, appreciative of her concern. No one had ever really given him shit for taking unnecessary risks, because nobody would have missed him if he was gone. “No, you stay put. You get on that death trap with your arm in a sling and I swear to God, Reed, I will arrest you.” “Alright, ma. I’ll sit tight,” he quipped back and ended the call with a “See ya,” before she could protest with her angry huffs. The phone dropped onto the sofa beside him and he dragged his hand down his face as he took in a slow, deep breath, then peered between his fingers over at the cat, who was sitting next to him with a judgmental squint.

“Don’t look at me like that Cam, she ain’t so bad,” he explained as if the cat could actually understand what he was saying. When the animal rose and climbed back into his lap, Gavin’s hand reached instinctively to scratch at the back of his neck with a small sigh. She really wasn’t, in fact he’d really grown to like Viv more than he thought he would. Even though their partnership had started off rough, she’d still cared more for his well-being than even his own mother ever had. It was strange to have that kind of support for once, but he’d already noticed how much he’d benefited from her presence in his life. Maybe it was possible to find the family he’d always wished he had... maybe even find love. Reed sputtered our a laugh at the absurdity of the notion in self-defense, but deep down in the scarcely touched recesses of his dark heart he hoped. It wasn’t like he wanted to be a miserable asshole, it was just what the world had forced him to become.

#dbhilluminate #DBH: Gavin Reed #dbh: gavin #detroit become human gavin #detroit become human fanfiction #detroit become human fanfic #dbh fanfic #dbh fanfiction #gavin reed #dbh: detective reed #vivienne lenore #cameron james #chapters

[crazedlunatic]

“Camping”

“What… Why are there two mattresses in the living room? And a tent? And an obstacle course made from the living room pillows and furniture?”

“Kurt, I just live here.” Blaine said from his seat at the kitchen island. He would have been in the living room or at the kitchen table but there was no seating available on the couches and all the kitchen chairs was supporting a makeshift tent made of sheets and string that may or may not have been… staple gunned onto the ceiling.

Surely not, though, right?

How would Nick have found one?

“I’m going to need a little more from you here, Blaine.”

“Hey, all you said was to work from home today. You said nothing about keeping your sons from making a campground and obstacle course in the living room. Honestly I’m impressed he was able to get the queen size mattress downstairs by himself.”

“Kris?”

“No. Nick.” Blaine looked at Kurt like he was crazy.

“…What?” Kurt said.

“I don’t know. He took Kris and said something about buying a picnic basket full of snacks and junk food for camping?”

“Wait. Did you let him take the car?”

“Yeah… I didn’t think about that. I bet they did drive.” Blaine looked thoughtful as the back door opened.

“DADDY’S HOME!” Kris squealed, running over to Kurt and bouncing up and down excitedly. “Daddy, Nicky and I are going to camp! We’ve got snacks and pillows and a tent!”

“You do?” Kurt said, giving Nick a weird look when he came in with two bags of—well, a not-quite-toddler-anymore’s dreams. Fruit Loops, Reese’s cups, gummy worms, sour patch straws. You name it, it was in the bag.

“What?” Nick gave him a weird look right back.

“Did you… nail a sheet to the ceiling?”

“Nope. I used screws.” Nick said with a straight face.

“And we’re gonna watch movies! Whichever ones I want!”

“We plan to see whose heart will give out first—the one who almost had a heart attack due to an eating disorder or the one born with a heart defect. It’s gonna be totally awesome!” Nick said, voice excited, as Kris ran from the room.

“Nicky.” Kurt sighed.

“We won’t eat too much and I’m sure he’ll fall asleep by nine. Everything will go back to normal in the morning. I promise.”

“How did you get the mattress down?” Kurt asked, looking confused.

“Yeah… you probably don’t want to know the answer to that, Daddy. Don’t look at the banister too close, okay?” Nick patted Kurt’s shoulder and walked into the living room with Kris.

“Hey… I mean, he seems almost normal around Kris. Even if he isn’t around us, that’s progress.” Blaine said. “He went a good month after he got back from the center without playing with him. I… know maybe we shouldn’t be letting him do it, but I also think Kris needs the attention. You know Nick is his ‘most favorite-est person ever.’”

“Yeah but you know Kris has to be careful too.” Kurt bit his lip and leaned back glancing into the living room from the doorway.

He saw Kris neatly separating the snacks out.

“No. We need chaos. This is an indoors camp out, Kristian.” Nick scoffed, piling them all together again.

If anyone else had done that, Kris probably would have cried. But he just giggled and scooted close to Nick. “Can we watch the Little Mermaid?”

“Uhm, only if we can watch Aladdin after.” Nick said, crawling under their tent.

“This is so cool!” Kris squealed, crawling in behind him.

“Who says you can’t camp indoors? Not me.” Nick grabbed the TV remote and pulled up Amazon. He then rented The Little Mermaid because let’s be real. He spent two hours hanging sheets from the ceiling. He was not walking up those stairs again until it was time to put on pajamas.

“This is the best day of my life!”

“Eat a fruit roll up and it’ll be even better!” Nick said handing him one as the previews started. “But don’t eat it and chocolate at the same time. I tried that once and almost puked. It wasn’t very pleasant.”

“That’s icky!” Kris gasped, looking more like Kurt than ever.

“I know, right?” Nick opened a package of sour patch kids—hoping it wouldn’t upset his stomach too much because, honestly, he hadn’t eaten a whole lot of junk food since making it back to New York City with Kurt a couple of months earlier. There was still a lot he couldn’t stomach, but Nick figured he’d know pretty quickly if he needed to quit eating it.

“Nicky, did you know your name rhymes with icky?” Kris giggled.

“Technically my name is Nicholas… just like your name is technically Anthony.” Nick pointed out, opening a bottle of water—which, honestly, was almost all that he drank.

“I don’t like that name.” Kris sighed.

“Yeah I don’t like Nicholas very much either. But at least our names aren’t Kurt or Blaine.”

Kris began to giggle loudly. “That’s Daddys’ names.”

“Shh, don’t tell them.” Nick said although he knew very well that his parents could hear—neither he nor Kris had quite mastered talking quietly yet. And honestly, Nick probably never would.

“I won’t!” Kris said, laying on his belly and putting his head on Nicky’s pillow so he was facing the television.

Nick laid on his stomach too, looking at his phone. He smiled, seeing Zach has texted him a picture of Ellie—because ever since Nick had finally met her and got to hold her, he literally could not get enough. Honestly, if he was able to really drive, he probably would have gone to Ithaca to see Zach, Sarah, and Ellie between their own trips back home.

His parents didn’t let him drive very much, though, and almost never alone. Which he understood—he’d only gone three weeks without passing out.

“Nicky, does your belly still hurt?” Kris asked several minutes into the movie, looking at him with Kurt’s wide blue eyes.

“Nope.” Nick said cheerfully. “It might soon if we keep eating this junk food, though.”

“Nicky, I’m glad you came back from school.” Kris sat up, tucking his legs underneath him. “Because you were gone a long time and you’re my bestest friend in the whole wide world.”

“Well you’re my bestest friend in the whole wide world too.” Nick said and stretched his arms out. “And the world is, like, a whole lot bigger than this.”

Kris giggled and asked, “Bigger than the Milky Way?”

“Are we talking the candy bar or the galaxy?” Nick asked very seriously. “Either way, yes.”

“That’s pretty big.”

“I know.” Nick nodded, taking another drink of his water. “Like… really big. Bigger than Dad’s hair when he doesn’t cut it for too long and his hair gets all curly and poofy.”

Kris let out a cackle.

“I heard that!” Blaine called from the living room.

“I know you did!” Nick called back, grinning at Kris.

“Zachy’s hair does it too.” Kris said.

“Yeah. Zach just doesn’t care. Plus, Sarah likes it and he likes Sarah, so…” Nick shrugged.

“Zach has Sarah and Sophie has Logan. Where’s your Sarah-Logan?”

“Mmmh out there somewhere I guess.” Nick shrugged again. “Where’s yours?”

“Mmmh out there somewhere I guess.” Kris repeated, grinning at him.

“Don’t tell Zach but you’re my favorite little brother.”

“But Zach isn’t your little brother.” Kris looked at him, confused. “You were born at the same time.”

“No. I was born four minutes before him. Do not take those four minutes from me, Anthony.”

“Does four minutes really matter, though?”

“Uh, yes. It matters a lot.” Nick said very seriously. “Just ask Madonna.”

“That’s silly.”

“You’re silly.”

“Well you’re silly looking.”

“No. You’re silly looking.”

Kurt poked his head in. “If you two are arguing over who looks sillier, it’s Nick. Because Kris looks like me.”

“DADDY!” Kris scooted over so Kurt could join.

“Hey, you didn’t tell me you had Skittles in here.” Kurt scoffed, coming in and sitting between Nick and Kris.

“Uh, what’s going on?” Sophie asked, bending down a few seconds later.

“Join us.” Nick patted the floor on his other side. “We already have your pillow anyway… you know, since you basically live in my room at night anyway.”

Sophie crawled in. “It would have been better if you’d put glow in the dark stars on the sheets and turned out the lights.”

“Fuc—dge.” Nick looked up, pouting. “This is why you’re going to Harvard next year.”

“Just for undergrad.” Sophie said sheepishly. “It’s not like I’m trying to get into Harvard Law or anything.”

“Yeah. I’ve heard that one before.” Kurt rolled his eyes. “Then got a lovely awakening the April before classes started.”

Blaine poked his head in. “Are…. you all four in here?”

“DADDY!” Kris scooted over once more so Blaine could come in.

“Don’t touch those Skittles!” Kurt threatened.

Blain shrugged and took a packet anyway.

Kris giggled as Blaine opened it and stuck some in his mouth, sitting on Kris’ other side.

“If Zachy was here, it’d be perfect.” Kris sighed.

“If Zachy was here, that means Sarah and Ellie would be too… which would mean the tent would be over capacity.” Sophie pointed out.

“If they come over this weekend, I’ll add another sheet.” Nick shrugged.

“This is not staying up until this weekend when your brother comes over.” Kurt gave Nick a look.

“I mean I may just feel too weak to climb that ladder and take it all down.” Nick dramatically fell back into a laying position.

Sophie reached back, smacking his arm. “That’s for kicking me last night… and every night.”

“I would say I’m sorry but I’m not.” Nick said. “The last time I’ve slept in a bed alone was January when I ended up in the hospital, so you guys are going to just have to deal. Plus, everyone knows I kick anyway.”

“Do I kick, Daddy?” Kris asked Blaine.

“Yep. Just like your other Daddy.”

“I don’t kick.” Kurt looked at Blaine like he was crazy.

“Uh… yes you do.” Nick said.

“It’s true.” Blane nodded. “I’m pretty sure Zach and I are the only ones that don’t.”

“Must be the curls.” Sophie said sweetly. “It weighs down your heads so much that you can’t lift your legs.”

Nick, who had sat up, fell back against the mattress again laughing.

“I find that highly offensive.” Blaine scoffed. “You are all just jealous of mine and Zach’s beautiful hair.”

“Yeah, no.” Sophie said. “You can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better, though.”

“Thanks, Soph.”

“Anytime, Daddy.”

#kris #wbuct drabble #wbuct prompt

[sugarycloud]

Posts this just then to only have the people in the group chat read it. But it was writing itself in my head so there we go 

Circles, carolly rpf

It was funny how this kept happening. How life went around in circles. Here she was, another series of Love Island over, another year done, until January this time at least. It seemed like another lifetime ago that it had all began. She had been doing X Factor during the first series. Had just finished Strictly, had just split with Jack. A whole different lifetime.

And now, a broken relationship, another secret one and a bunch of stuff the media had no idea about. Circles, it all went in circles.

Caroline stares out the taxi window as it winds through the streets of London, bringing her closer to home. The city evokes a warm glow inside her, it was her home, and there was nothing like being home, where your heart was happiest.

‘Here alright love?’

They have pulled up at an empty stop a few doors down from her house.  Her car is in her spot, looking a bit dusty but thankfully with no parking tickets clasped to its windscreen.

‘Yeah, this is fine, thanks’

‘I’ll grab your case for you’

‘Thanks’

Caroline exits the car, takes her case from the driver, thanks him again and starts to search in her bag for her keys as walks to her house, pulling her case behind her.

Her phone beeps just as she is about to put the key in the lock. It’s from Lewis

‘Hey, should we meet up soon for another photo op? Hope your flight back was ok :)’

Caroline sighs and unlocks her door, depositing her case just inside, as it closes behind her and she sinks right down in front of it.

Rubbing her face with her hands, thinking about what to text Lewis, it takes her a minute to recognise the pattering of paws towards her.

‘Ruby!’ she screeches as her beloved dog jumps up on her, licking everywhere she can reach

‘How did you get there?’ she questions the dog before calling ‘Jo?’

‘No, not Jo’ and limping slightly from the kitchen comes Olly, grinning at her

‘Ols! You’re here’

Olly grabs her hands and pulls her to her feet and right into him, Ruby thudding slightly with the ungracious landing back to the parquet floor

‘Oh I’m so glad you’re here’ Caroline breathes deep, inhaling his scent, hugging him close

‘Are you ever going to let go so I can kiss you?’ Olly says with a laugh

‘Nu uh’ Caroline shakes her head against his chest ‘I’m gonna stay here forever’

‘Well’ Olly reaches his hand under her chin and lifts her face to his

She smiles at him and leans up for a kiss, his fingers running up and down her back, like he’s playing his favourite tune.

Circles, it all went in circles.

----

X Factor sat like a very heavy piece of furniture in her mind. It was hard to ignore and it was near impossible to move. You just had to put up and try and be as comfortable with it, as you could because it was there to stay.

It all felt like a well read book, she had gone over it so many times in her head. The time they had spent together during X Factor, it was a bubble, just the two of them. Of course they had ended up sleeping together, like there was any other option. The whole charade of X Factor was a tedious and woeful affair. They knew soon after starting that they never should have taken the job.

No one liked them, they were nothing but stressed and the whole world was watching, speculating on whether they were together or not. I mean, what else was there to do really? When the nation is ridiculing you and there’s only one other person in the whole world who understands it like you do, who is going through it like you are. A person who you had fancied for years, who you loved more than almost anyone, who had recently become single.

It had become almost like an addiction, a dependency. They couldn’t have got through X Factor without each other. Or the sex. A quickie in the morning, and later, a long drawn out glorious euphoria filled evening. It was escaping reality and yet Olly was the only real thing there was. Olly’s skin against hers, Olly’s body underneath her, above her, beside her. The kissing, the pleasure, the oblivion. It was a permanent dream, like a dream that you know is a dream but you can’t make yourself wake up from.

And then one day she was jolted awake. It was like being drenched in ice cold water, gasping for breath, reality and dreams snatched away so cruelly. There had been fights and two years of not speaking, an addict having no choice but to go cold turkey.

They had started talking again in the summer of the disastrous engagement. Texts, calls and voice notes. At first it was trivial stuff, how were their families, who was Olly liking on Love Island and so forward.

Sometime in the early days of winter Olly had called Caroline, when the only thing that preoccupied her day was playing with Ruby. He had mentioned it first, those days on X, how wrong it had all gone. With that phone call they had opened a floodgate, and they slowly began to knock down the walls they had built around themselves, keeping them apart from each other.

Their lives then had been so entwined back then, and it had been painful to untangle from each other. With them talking again, they started to tie themselves into knots once more. Easy knots, ones you can untie without much injury. It became easier this time, akin to how they used to be.

He had gotten funnier, or maybe he’d always been funny. Maybe she’d just forgotten in the long absence, that it hadn’t just been the sex that had been incredible. Back then she had called him her best friend and he was. She could talk to him about anything and they made each other laugh. All the stuff that mattered beyond mutual attraction.

But beside a quick meet up at an award show, they didn’t end up meeting in person until June the following year. Neither of them had meant for anything to happen. And yet

----

She’d never been a fan of hospitals, she didn’t suppose that many people were. There was a certain smell and everything squeaked. She hugs her present close to herself as she navigates through the labyrinth corridors, finally finding his room and knocking gently

‘Come in!’ comes the shout back and she pushed the door tentatively open

‘Caz! What an amazing surprise’

‘I-uh’

Caroline’s eyes travel from his heavily bandaged and elevated leg, to the drips in his arms and to his eager hopeful face, and without any warning at all, she burst into years

Olly, looking bemused but concerned, cast his gaze around as if there is any way of him getting up to help her

‘Caz, babe, it’s ok. It’s just fluids, and you know, my leg is fine, I’m fine, all fine, do you want to sit down maybe?’

‘I-ca, bel, I, no, you, and’ Caroline, still sobbing, gestures with her hands at him and at herself, coherence having been left firmly at the door

‘Please sit down darling, please’

Still sobbing and not making any sense, Caroline dumps her wrapped gift and card onto his tray table and sits on the edge of his bed, launching herself straight onto his chest and sobs more.

Olly gently puts his arms around her, trying not to dislodge anything as he rubs her back, and waits for her to stop

‘I’m sorry’ Caroline says after a while and she sits up and rubs her eyes with the back of her hands ‘I don’t know where that came from. I think it’s just the last time I properly saw you, we’d just broken up, and now you’re broken’

‘How very poetic’ Olly says with a slight smile, before adding quietly ‘I thought I’d never see you again at all’

‘Well that too’ Caroline says as she takes a big breath ‘not ever, it was horrendous’

‘Not one of my favourite memories ever either Caz. But you know why it happened’

‘Yeah, yeah’ she waves away this discussion with an impatient flap of her hand ‘we’ve talked about all that over the phone. It’s ancient history, there’s no need to go over it again’ she leans forward and runs her thumb across his cheek, as if he had tears there too ‘I just wanted to see how you were’

‘I’m fine, well’ Olly lets out a breath ‘I mean I’ve been better but this has helped, I’ve needed this op for a long time, no I’ve just got to recover from it. And then I’ll be fine. More than fine. I’m taking a break from it all Caz’

‘It all?’

‘That life, the showbiz crap, I’m going to spend time with the family, write music because I want to not because my contract says so, travel around’

‘So you’ve lots of free time to fill?’

‘Something like that, yeah’

‘Well then’

----

They had spent hours in that hospital room catching up on life. He loved his joke gift of a pack of Man United boxers, and they made plans to meet up soon. It was like last time, but not at all. It all happened fast but it felt natural, less intense. They kissed again for the first time in Olly’s garden after a sunny day and a barbeque. They slept together again for the first time that night, and for the second and third time. Olly’s knee was a bit of an issue. Caroline kept having to go on top, not that she minded.

Then there was the bigger issue of when he shaved all his hair off. She wasn’t used to his head yet. Before they had rekindled, she had had visions of her running her hands through his hair, and now there was nothing to run her hands through. She kept accidentally leaving nail indents in his shoulders from digging instead of gripping.

Beyond his knee and his lack of hair, came the bigger issue of privacy, so Caroline had talked to Nathan about Olly. He suggested she fake a relationship with a twenty something year old toyboy. It wouldn’t be hard for the press to shallow and her and Olly could conduct their relationship behind closed doors for as long as they could manage.

Now lying in bed with Olly, after the two had a lengthy and highly satisfying reunion, Caroline’s mind floats back to the text from Lewis

‘Penny for them?’ Olly says with a kiss to her head

‘Lewis texted earlier, wanting to meet up for a photo op’

‘And?’

‘It’s just tedious. I hate lying’

‘I know you do Caz, but it’s just easier isn’t it? The media think you’re hooking up with someone else and they leave us the fuck alone. And eventually when there’s some big news story taking over everything we’ll quietly post an Insta together and act like it’s completely normal while everyone freaks out’

Caroline smiles and curls into her boyfriend

‘And eventually it won’t be news at all’

‘Exactly my darling, exactly’

‘How long do you think we can keep it a secret?’

‘Well for however long I’m out of the spotlight’

‘You don’t even know how long that’ll be’

‘A while’ Olly shrugs ‘maybe we’ll be married with kids by the time I get back to it’

‘Olly!’

‘What?’ Olly says with a nervous laugh ‘is that not the plan?’

‘I suppose’

‘Love the enthusiasm Caz’

‘Oh shush you’ she smiles and pokes him in the side

Her insides are dancing, butterflies swooping and swirling. It was how she expected everything to happen after X. Marriage and babies, happily ever after. Afterwards she had chastised herself for being so dreamy. Now, well now, she lets out a happy sigh and squeezes Olly. Maybe it wasn’t circles after all, perhaps they’d just taken the scenic route, maybe there would be a few more bumps along the way. But they would end up just where they needed to be.

#carolly #carollyfic #carolly fanfiction #caroline and olly #fanfic stuff #i chose this over eating lunch #i have to leave the house in 6 minutes #yikesss

[tamakiamajikistentacles]

Please Don’t Leave {Eijirou Kirishima}

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated! I tried something a little different with this story and having included a character we don’t know very much about was challenging. Writing this piece was interesting to say the least lol. This was partially inspired by the book/movie “If I Stay” and if you haven’t read/seen it I def recommend!

The silence was strange. Maybe it was just because it was there. Living with nineteen other teenagers could seem deafening at the best of times and quiet moments were rare. Her body felt strange too though, like she both could and couldn’t feel. One minute she felt weightless, comfortable like she was lying on a giant pillow, and the next she could feel a deep, pulsating throb in her head.

When the pain disappeared is when she opened her eyes to see grey all around her. It was dull and seemingly endless, and she furrowed her brows in confusion.

“Man, it’s gonna be nice to have someone to talk to!”

She jumped at the energetic words, blinking rapidly as she fought the sluggishness of her body to sit up. Below her she noticed what sort of did look like a large white pillow but also the smiling boy floating at her side.

He was tall and his fluffy light blue hair made him look even taller which may have felt intimidating if his blue eyes weren’t so friendly as they stared at her from above a white strip across the bridge of his nose. A blue aviator hat and goggles were visible below his hair and he wore a dark blue gi beneath a brown aviator jacket, dust and dirt clinging to the material.

“Who are you?” she asked. “Where are we, and why is everything grey? Are you sitting on a cloud? Wait, am I?”

He laughed. “Yeah, that’s my quirk! I like to ride on them and when you started to appear I could tell you weren’t awake so I made you a cloud bed!”

“How—? Where—?”

“Oh, sure, sorry,” he said quickly. “I dunno where exactly we are but I’ve always called it ‘the in-between’ because we’re between life and death which explains the grey but probably sounds really scary and uh, it is? But at least we have each other! My name’s Oboro Shirakumo!”

She tried to process his rapid-fire words but the only thing she completely understood was his name.

In-between life and death? Why was she seemingly dying? What had happened? She couldn’t remember anything happening to put her life at risk, at least not lately.

“You look really confused and I get that, I feel bad having to give you such heavy news and you probably don’t remember much. I was the same way when I got here, but after a while you should be able to remember and it’ll all come back…” he trailed off, and when she realized the expectant look she said her name. He smiled and repeated it before continuing, “You’ll figure out what led you here.”

“Can I ask what led you here?” she asked quietly when silence stretched between them.

He smiled sadly. “I am—or I guess was?—a hero course student and a villain attack didn’t exactly go my way. Managed to save a class of schoolkids though, and my friend took out the villain all on his own. I’m guessing by your costume you’re probably in a hero course too.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I can’t imagine being alone for so long after all of that. You’re right that I’m a hero course student and my class has been through a lot, but we’ve always been together afterwards.”

“Well, I really don’t know if it’s been long,” he replied thoughtfully. “Time is strange here and being alone definitely doesn’t help. You know how you feel after a really good nap? Like you don’t even know if its day or night or if you were asleep for two hours or two years? That’s sort of how it feels being here.”

“January 8th is the last day I remember seeing on my lock screen,” she mumbled. “I saw it when I woke up and started getting ready for my work study. If something happened on patrol…”

“Not to interrupt but uhm, January 8th of what year?” he asked, eyes bugging when she answered. “There’s no way.”

“What, is it a long time after your villain attack?”

“Yeah. Fifteen years.”

Her eyes widened too. “You’ve been here for fifteen years by yourself?!”

He opened his mouth to reply but she couldn’t hear if he actually did, the searing pain in her skull returning as her hands flew to the back of her head. She pitched forward as tears gathered in her eyes and she cried out in pain.

  Darkness surrounded her and from the heavy feeling of her eyelids she knew they were closed. She felt like she was floating again but this time she could hear voices, garbled and far away. She understood snippets but couldn’t follow the conversation and she couldn’t tell who was saying what.

“…brain… body can try…”

“Stop crying…”

“…class soon… you’ll… without you…”

“…another way! Someone…”

The pain was so much more intense even as she laid still, but then the blackness consumed her and the pain was gone.

  Shirakumo’s hair was the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes and was back in the in-between. Still disoriented, she could see that his mouth was open in surprise.

“What just happened?!” she asked, panic bubbling in her chest. “It hurt and I could hear people but I don’t—it was dark.”

“I think you tipped back towards life,” he murmured. “Whatever you heard, do you remember much? Sometimes it helps figure out what’s going on wherever your body is.”

She sniffled, wiping tears from her cheeks with her wrist. “I heard someone talking about a brain, I think? And a body trying to do something but I don’t know what. Do you think they mean me? My brain, my body?”

“Probably,” he said softly. “It can be really hard to hear things when your spirit leans back to life. Sometimes I remember things I never actually saw or heard. The memory itself is hazy, like there’s a dark mist over it so I can’t see much, but I can make out certain words or bits of conversation if I try hard enough.”

“There were other people though, saying to stop crying and asking for another way. I feel like I should know the voices.”

“The more you tip towards life the clearer it is, I think,” he shrugged. “All we can do is hope you move closer to waking up.”

She nodded, lying back on her cloud. If she was hurt badly enough to be suspended between life and death that meant her class was probably going out of their minds, her boyfriend most of all. Maybe he was there speaking to her, maybe he was one of the voices she heard. If he was she could only imagine he was asking for her to wake up. Kirishima was always a beacon of hope, one she was more than happy to follow and prayed would guide her through this too.

He didn’t mind hospitals for the most part, but long hours spent in various ones throughout the country in less than a year didn’t put them on his list of favorite things either. The waiting he had been doing for the last six days in an uncomfortable visitor’s chair was driving him mad and the lack of significant progress in his girlfriend’s condition was even worse.

Sure, she was in the best possible place for treatment and was monitored around the clock but she wasn’t awake. She wasn’t talking to him or poking his nose or kissing his cheek; she was just lying there in the hospital bed looking as if she was going to be swallowed by machines and wires. At least she could breathe on her own and there were no tubes down her throat—he wasn’t sure he would’ve been able to handle seeing that.

But still he sat by her bedside any chance he got. After classes ended for the day he took the train straight there, his uniform still on and bag carelessly left in the classroom at his desk. The bag always made its way to him though.

“Kirishima I swear if you don’t start bringing your shit with you you’re giving me money for the train to and from this place. Do your homework while you sit here,” Bakugo snapped at him like every other afternoon as the bag was dropped at his feet.

With a sigh he dug through his bag to find his assignments and opened his notes to work through the homework sheets because he was right, he needed to keep up with schoolwork. He had to be able to help her when she woke up, right?

“Oi, don’t start starin’ into space!”

“I’m not! I’m not, I’m just… this is hard, you know?” he said quietly. “I’ve never gone so long without talking to her and I miss her. She’s right in front of me but I miss her.”

Bakugo scowled. “No one ever said you should be smiling at the fact that your girlfriend had her head scrambled, hair for brains. This is the type of shit we have to deal with if we’re gonna be heroes but that doesn’t mean time stops for you to mope. Besides, didn’t the doctors say she’s doing better?”

“Yeah, they said the swelling’s gone down to the point where it’s really hard to see on the scans so that’s good. But they also mentioned that she’s still low on this coma scale thing, like she’s a six which is just one up from critical. Her only response is to pain and—"

“Tch, you’re just impatient. She’s gonna be fine once her body’s healed enough to wake up. Then the old lady’s gonna kiss her and shit’ll be back to normal.”

“I—

  —really, really hope you’re right.”

“’Course I’m right, you idiot.”

The pain was still there but more a dull ache than before. It let her focus on the voices and she knew them, she knew her boyfriend and his best friend were there with her. She wondered what Bakugo should be right about. He probably was, whatever it is.

Her time in the in-between wasn’t terrible because Shirakumo was good company but she did look forward to the moments when everything went dark and she could hear everyone around her body. She heard her parents and boyfriend most often but her friends were there sometimes too. She wasn’t sure how long it had been since she was awake, but she hoped she could open her eyes soon.

“You smile a lot when you snap back from tipping,” Shirakumo observed. He was sat on one of his clouds, elbow on his knee and chin in his hand.

“I hear my boyfriend,” she said with a grin. “It’s just really good to hear his voice, you know?”

“That’s nice,” he said quietly.

She furrowed her brows. “I know you haven’t since I’ve been here but don’t you tip towards life sometimes too? Don’t you hear your family? Your friends?”

“Nah, I don’t know anyone who’s speaking around me. Never recognize what I see through the haze either,” he explained. “I don’t know exactly what that means since it seems like with you, you hear what’s being said to your body. I rarely tip towards life anymore but when I do it’s like I’m on autopilot or something. It’s probably just a dream.”

“Well what do you hear or see?”

“Once I was in a hospital I think but that’s all I can remember, no voices and all I saw was darkness,” he said thoughtfully. “Another time I was in a dome, like a stadium almost. There was a lot of yelling and mostly I can remember shapes and colors. Black and red, green and orange, some white spots in the corner of my eye. Loud bangs like firecrackers were the last thing I heard before tipping back to the in-between.”

She listened intently, the details he described vague but familiar though she didn’t know exactly why.

“Other than those it’s just whispers while I’m in a black fog. It’s just snippets like I mentioned. A word or two here and there.”

“But never your family or friends?” she repeated.

“No, but I can’t really expect that if it’s been fifteen years, huh? My family had my little siblings to look after and my friends—well they’ve gotta be hotshot heroes by now. We wanted to start our own agency together, and I hope they did even without me. The dream shouldn’t die just because I did.”

“What were they like?”

“What’s your boyfriend like?” he teased.

“I asked first!”

“I’m older, respect your elders.”

She let out an exasperated sigh but smiled nonetheless. “His name is Eijirou Kirishima and he’s… he’s like a bright light in the dark. He’s brave even when he’s afraid and he wants to help people because it’s the right thing to do. He’s in the hero course with me and… shit, I miss him.”

“Bet he misses you too,” he said with a soft smile. “He sounds like a good guy, and I hope you can see him again soon.”

“Me too,” she whispered, then after a moment reminded him, “Your turn.”

“Ah well, my buddies were kinda opposite of each other—one loud and energetic, always the center of attention and the other quiet and introverted, sometimes had a tough time believing in himself. But they were both gonna be great heroes! All of Japan was going to know Present Mic and Eras—”

“—erhead,” she finished breathlessly, and Shirakumo grinned.

It had been eleven days since the villain attack that had put her in the hospital and Kirishima still saw her head slamming into the concrete siding of the office building so clearly it may as well have been playing out in front of him all over again. In reality she was extremely lucky that her skull hadn’t been cracked wide open, the only fractures being in her left arm from twisting awkwardly as her body met the building.

Her arm would be easy to heal thanks to Recovery Girl, but the head injury was more delicate and what really needed resolved first. It would take time for her body to recuperate which was the reason she’d fallen comatose; they’d been told that her body was pausing everything else so the damage could be repaired. Once that damage could be taken care of then the other injuries could be tended to. It wasn’t likely to last more than a few weeks but to Kirishima even a few hours seemed like an eternity.

Yet each day after class and on the weekends he waited that eternity, had done it eleven times over. It was difficult—near impossible—to make him leave even for a quick dinner in the hospital’s cafeteria which meant only one person could convince him, and he made sure to do so as crudely as possible.

“Do you fuckin’ think she’s gonna be happy waking up to your stomach growling at her like a goddamn beast? Get your ass some food. If you’re back in under half an hour I’m exploding your ugly fuckin’ face. She won’t recognize you and neither will your shitty mothers.”

It was tiresome to endure the constant yelling but it was true, he needed to eat. “Okay, okay, I’m going. But just make sure—”

“If she wakes up I call the nurse, then you, then her family, then your mothers, then the media, then go fuck myself, I know,” Bakugo finished as his eye twitched. “Get your fucking food, asshole.”

With a defeated sigh the redhead left the room, a glance over his shoulder lingering on his sleeping girlfriend for just a moment as he stepped out into the bright hallway. He let his mind wander as he walked. After eleven days he didn’t need to think of how to get to the cafeteria, his feet knew where to take him.

Bakugo sat back in the visitor’s chair Kirishima had been using as a table for his homework, scrolling through his phone mindlessly. He didn’t hate silence despite what many probably assumed, but this was he sort of quiet that was eerie and uncomfortable because of the circumstances.

“Wake the fuck up.”

Slow, even breaths were his answer.

“What, you embarrassed that you got thrown like a long dart into the side of an accounting firm of all things? Almost couldn’t blame you if that’s why you’re just laying here.”

Nothing.

“I know you can hear me. Know you can hear Kirishima too since—

  —he never shuts the hell up. Probably heard him cryin’ over you too, huh?”

A steady heartbeat and no pain in her head, she breathed in deeply at Bakugo’s words. Of course she’d heard him, the few other times she had come back to her body clearer each time. Her heart broke to hear what she knew were quiet sobs and soared when he would relay the absurdity the class had gotten up to that day.

“It’s your fault he’s upset.”

She hated that he was right.

“Your tests n’shit say you should be wakin’ up any time now. They told him that two days ago and he’s holding on to that but here you are, not even putting up a fight to get back to him. The hell’s that about?”

It… she was trying. But it wasn’t easy when her body felt like it was tied to concrete at the bottom of the ocean and couldn’t possibly surface. She just wasn’t strong enough yet, that’s all. Tipping towards life was lasting longer and longer each time and soon she’d be at the point where she never went back to the in-between. It was just taking time.

“After you blacked out he froze. In the middle of a goddamn villain attack downtown he froze. It was only a few seconds but it coulda cost him, you know that. Then I’d have both of you idiots here probably,” he huffed.

Was that fondness?

“He kept fighting though. He fought until we won but I know he doesn’t think it’s a victory. If he can fight, why can’t you?”

That was the question wasn’t it?

“You better start fighting your ass off to open your eyes. Naptime’s over.”

She hadn’t tipped again since hearing Bakugo’s scolding guilt trip to wake up and while time seemingly didn’t exist in the in-between she felt like days, weeks, months, possibly years had gone by. It was terrifying enough to know that Shirakumo had been there alone for over a decade and never realized it but what if that happened to her too? What if Shirakumo tipped back to life and woke up to resume living or even took the final step towards death? Then she would be alone in the infinite grey abyss with only her thoughts.

What if she never tipped back to life again? She wouldn’t hear a goodbye or say one herself to anyone—not her parents, not her friends, not to the boyfriend who’s kept vigil for what had to have been two weeks by then at least.

“I know you’re scared.”

She looked up to see Shirakumo watching her with an unreadable expression.

“It’s okay to be, you know? This place is like the perfect definition of uncertainty, but you said that last time you heard that you should be waking up soon right?”

“That’s what Bakugo said,” she murmured, staring down at her hands. “But I haven’t tipped since then and now I don’t know if I will again.”

“You don’t feel it at all?” he asked.

“No, I haven’t heard anything.”

“Ah no, I mean you’re… when you go closer to life you look different to me. Like you’re… smudged?”

She stared at him.

“So I see you,” he tried to explain, “but then it’s almost like you’ve got a shadow around you? It—okay, you know how when you draw with an oil pastel you can blend it out? When you tip towards life you look like that.”

“Alright, but what does that have to do with anything right now? I’m not going towards life.”

He gave a weak smile. “Yeah you are. You’ve been smudged since you last heard your friend. It was faint at first but its lingered and now you’re sort of fading out. I think… I think that means you’re waking up.”

“How can I be waking up if I’m not hearing anything there? I’ve been with you this entire time!”

“I don’t know, I’m just guessing! It’s a good thing if I’m right, it means you’ll get to see your boyfriend and your friends and your family.”

“I just… I don’t want to hope and then it be for nothing,” she whispered. “Of course I want to wake up but that’s all I’ve wanted this entire time and I just don’t know how and it’s awful to know I’m causing all of them to worry over me and hope for something that may not happen.”

“Hey I get it, okay? It’s hard knowing that everyone there wants you back but you don’t know how to get to them. But heroes don’t get to lose hope. You can have your moments of weakness but you should never lose hope that it’s going to get better.”

She turned away from him, lip bitten between her teeth. Of course he was right—as heroes they couldn’t lose hope when they were the ones who brought hope to the hopeless in the times they needed it the most. But that also begged the question of how they kept that hope. Who inspired them in the darkest times?

It was an obvious answer once she shed the cynicism: family, friends, loved ones, the people they would fight the hardest for. Her family, her friends, her class, her boyfriend. They had hope for her to wake up and when they spoke to her they were keeping that hope alive.

“It’s okay to be upset,” Shirakumo said softly as he watched a tear make its way down her face. “But you’re gonna wake up, I know it. Just… take a deep breath and we can talk about something else.”

“Okay,” she whispered, turning back to him as she sucked in a breath and let her eyes fall closed.

He watched with a smile as her faded form grew even more faint, then disappear completely as she let out the breath.

The darkness was back. It enveloped her like always but there was no pain in her head. She felt cold, like the air conditioning had been dropped low and created a makeshift icebox out of the room she was in. She also felt stiff but that was both the cold and the fact that she hadn’t moved in what? Over two weeks by then?

There was shuffling to her right. She wondered who was there—was it her parents? Kirishima? The little chuckle answered that quickly.

“Your fingers always twitch when you’re asleep,” she heard him say. “When you fall asleep on me in the common room your little finger twitches tickle because they’re so light. I miss that.”

She never knew she did that in her sleep, and she wondered what made him bring it up.

“You’ve been doing it more and between that and the blinking the doctors say it should really be any time now. I… I miss your eyes. When you blink its so fast I can barely see them so wake up soon, okay?”

She’d been blinking and moving? Could she do that now? She tried to move her left index finger but she couldn’t tell if it worked. Maybe she was still too stiff.

“As much as I love your eyes I think I miss your smile the most,” he said quietly. “Seeing you smile after we confront villains has always been so important, even before we were together. When we saw each other after the USJ and you smiled at me… that was when I realized I had to tell you how I felt.”

He did, right before the sports festival took place. Afterwards he often joked that he advanced as far as he did to prove he was worth keeping around. She could only roll her eyes because he could’ve sat out every event in favor of eating from the food vendors and she would’ve kept him as close as possible.

“When I saw you get hurt I panicked but I knew I had to keep fighting. If nothing else we had to win so I could get to you and make sure you were okay. After we won I practically threw Ojiro and Todoroki out of the way,” he laughed lightly. “I apologized later but I still feel a little bad about it. At least they were understanding.”

Always worried about her, wasn’t he? The feeling was mutual though. She was worried even as he spoke safely from a hospital visitor’s chair just because of the occasional hitch in his breathing. She wanted to see him, to grab his hand, to reassure him.

“Was that finger twitch supposed to be disapproval? I said I apologized!”

Wait, had she really moved?

“They really were understanding though. Heh, probably because I was in tears honestly. Not seeing you smile after a win was just… it hit my heart, y’know?”

Yeah, she knew. He was hitting her heart right now.

“And then you wouldn’t wake up.”

The emotion in his voice was thick and she could picture the pinch in his brows as he tried to hold back tears.

“It didn’t look very good at first and that terrified me more than you could ever know. You barely responded to pain and the swelling took awhile to go down. I don’t know if you could hear me then or even if you can now, but I sat here with you as often as I could and I just kept hoping you would wake up. Well I’m still doing that, but in the beginning I really didn’t know if you would. I held your hand and I cried more than I want to admit just begging you not to leave me.”

How had she gotten so lucky to have him as a partner? What good deed had she done in a past life?

“Even with you moving like that and blinking and everything the doctors have said I’m still scared. They keep saying any day now but I just… when? I’ll sit here every day until you wake up, holding your hand and talking to you. If you can hear me you’re gonna have to get used to me begging even more. Please don’t leave me. I need you here smiling, okay? I want… I want to be a hero you can be proud to stand beside.”

A warm weight settled on her right hand and she realized it was his hand holding hers. She could feel him. She could feel him and she could hear him.

Her body was still so stiff and her eyelids felt like lead but she breathed evenly, gathering all the strength she had. It wasn’t much but it was enough to open her eyes just a bit, light flooding through her lashes and making her close them almost immediately.

Soothing circles were being drawn on the back of her hand and she wanted to see Eijirou smile. It sounded like he hadn’t in so long. She wanted to make him smile.

Her eyes fluttered open just a bit more on the second try but fell closed again at the light. Dammit, hospital lighting shouldn’t be that bad! She tried again, opening her eyes wider and only squinting at the brightness. She kept them open as long as she could before blinking quickly and fixing her eyes on the opposite wall’s small dry erase board; she couldn’t read what it said and she didn’t know if that was because of just waking up or from the injury but she decided to worry about that later.

She could feel the warmth on her hand still and from the corner of her eye she could see red but her head still felt heavy and even turning to the side seemed like an impossibly difficult task. After the fight to just open her eyes she could imagine it wouldn’t be easy. But she desperately wanted to see those red eyes and that sharp smile.

Well her fingers could move and that should be easier than shifting her head to the side, right? So she focused on her right hand and squeezed against the solid palm holding it. She did it once, and then again, and finally a third time. She felt the grip strengthen and soon her line of sight was filled with red hair and red eyes and a blinding smile. She tried to smile back, hoping that the small quirk of the corner of her lips would suffice for now.

In six weeks she had come a long way. After waking up she stayed in the hospital for an additional two days for testing and monitoring before being released back to Aizawa to go back to the dorms. Recovery Girl finished the healing process for her arm and things were, for the most part, back to normal.

Some issues from her time unconscious persisted but were able to be worked through to the point where she didn’t have many difficulties. Initially she had thought there were no effects but as she was dressing to leave the hospital she froze with the laces of her shoe in hand with no idea of what to do next. She knew how to tie her shoes and had known for most of her life, but as she stared down at the white laces in her grip she couldn’t even guess as to what she was supposed to do.

It was a small miracle that her parents were there with Aizawa as she was being discharged because she didn’t think she could handle her teacher having to tie her shoes for her. Relearning wasn’t terrible when she had the help of Eijirou and her friends. They were kind and without much teasing unless she initiated it first. With all the combined effort she was double knotting her laces within two weeks.

Slightly stranger was her perception of music she’d heard prior to her injury—everything sounded just a bit faster, as if it were half a beat ahead of where it should be. It was odd to experience because to everyone else it was normal and just as it should be so she avoided music for a few weeks to shake the uncomfortable feeling it gave her. After roughly a month Jiro convinced her to try listening again and when she started a familiar tune it was just as it should be, no altered speed. It was weird but at least it was over.

She was even back to full contact combat training in hero lessons which was all she had wanted the entire time Aizawa had given her alternate assignments. Most of the class were nervous to work with her even after she was cleared, but she was thankful when both Bakugo and Todoroki challenged her as if nothing had ever happened. That helped to get everyone else back to treating her like the fighter she was.

Eijirou was much clingier and more affectionate with her too. He’d been attentive before but when he’d said he needed her smiling, he had meant it. More than before there was always a hand on her hip, an arm around her shoulder, fingers intertwined with hers, and she enjoyed the increased contact. His goal of making her smile was met a thousand times over within the first two weeks alone, she was sure.

“I did hear you, you know,” she said one night as she laid against him on one of the common room couches. She had one of his hands in hers and traced patterns against his palm. The rest of the class was white noise around them. “I would fade in and out at random times but I heard you the most.”

He chewed the inside of his cheek for a moment. “Whatever you heard, I meant it.”

“Mmm,” she hummed, “I know you missed me and my smile and you didn’t want to lose me. You’ve told me all of that since I woke up.”

“Of course!” he agreed quickly. “I was there every day and I just couldn’t imagine you not waking up.”

“I’m glad I woke up when you were there. I was fighting to get back to you just like Bakugo yelled at me to do. I’d heard how upset you were and I didn’t want you to cry over me anymore, I wanted to see you smile too.”

“So you remember a lot of what you heard while you were out, huh?”

She nodded. “There’s a lot I remember but I’m sure I’m missing some things.”

“Maybe,” he murmured, catching her fingers to lace them together.

“I think I want to talk to Aizawa about it more. There’s just some stuff Hound Dog wouldn’t understand.”

“Like what?” he asked, kissing her temple.

She sighed. “Just some other things I remember from while I was unconscious. I think he might have some good insight.”

Eijirou gave a nod of understanding and they fell into a comfortable silence.

She was so glad to back with her friends and boyfriend and seeing her parents again had been amazing. At first it felt like she had missed everything in the sixteen days she had been unconscious but they all worked to fit her back into normal life. Knowing they cared about her was heart-warming in a way she’d never experienced before and she was thankful beyond words.

A/N: Please be sure to reblog, comment, review, and like if you enjoy! Feedback is what keeps me motivated! I’m still a little unsure of how this fic turned out though that sometimes when I try something new. Also I know I put Kirishima through a lot of shit around here but I swear I love him and want the best for him! We love an unwavering and sturdy hero on this blog

#eijirou kirishima #Kirishima Eijirou #kirishima imagine #bnha imagine #mha imagine #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #eijiro kirishima #kirishima eijiro #eijirou kirishima imagine #kirishima eijiro imagine #eijiro kirishima imagine #kirishima eijirou imagine #bnha imagines #mha imagines #boku no hero academia imagines #boku no hero academia imagine #my hero academia imagine #my hero academia imagines #manga spoilers #bnha fanfic #mha fanfic #bnha manga spoilers #bnha spoilers #vigilantes spoilers #bnha vigilantes spoilers

[massivedrickhead]

One More Year: Chapter 36

A/N: Still a few chapters to go but we're definitely near the end. A lot of people had a lot of opinions about what should or shouldn't happen, but I've been planning this part of the story for a long time, and I hope you all agree with how I've handled it.

Please review/like/reblog, it really keeps me motivated :)

I hope you all like it.

Fanfiction.net link

I do not own Pitch Perfect or any of its characters

Chapter 36

"Do you still want to be with me?" Beca had asked. Her voice breaking, her eyes full of tears.

Of course I do, Chloe thought, her heart breaking at the thought that Beca didn't know that. She wanted to pull Beca into her arms. To hold her and kiss her and promise never to hurt her again. But she stopped herself. Beca deserves better than you can give her, she thought.

Beca's phone started ringing, and Chloe used it as her opportunity to walk away. She couldn't tell Beca she didn't want her, because it wasn't true. But she also couldn't stay with her. She couldn't carry on putting Beca through this.

So she just walked away.

She heard Beca calling after her, but she kept on walking, tears building in her eyes.

She knew she was being cruel, but she also knew she couldn't give Beca what she needed. Not right now, when her life seemed to be spiralling. In the long run, this would be better.

When she saw Aubrey walk into the rehearsal space a few minutes later, she knew the blonde was mad at her.

"What did you do?" She asked. "Why does Beca think you guys have broken up? Have you?"

Chloe swallowed hard. Everything inside her hurt. "It's for the best. She deserves better."

Aubrey opened her mouth to argue but Alice called a start to rehearsal and Chloe moved away from her.

The days seemed to blend together after that.

She stayed away from her dorm room, only returning way after midnight when she knew Aubrey would be sleeping. She saw Aubrey and Stacie at rehearsals, but kept her distance, never giving them more than one word answers. Every time she thought about Beca, she felt like she was going to burst into tears.

She felt awful, in every way. She just wanted everything to stop. She wanted everyone to leave, just for a little while. Just so she could get herself back together. She felt like if she lost this last bit of control she had, she would lose everything.

The night before the last day of college before Christmas vacation, Chloe got back to her dorm room to find that Aubrey was still awake.

"Hey," Chloe said, avoiding eye contact.

"I called your Mom," Aubrey said without preamble.

Chloe froze and turned to look at her. "What? Why?"

"Because…" Aubrey cleared her throat and wiped her eyes. "Because you aren't eating. And you won't talk to me or anyone else. You need help."

"I'm fine," Chloe said, feeling panicked and angry. "I'm fine, I don't need babysitting. I don't need you running to my Mom." She picked up her phone from her desk and saw a missed call and a text from her Mom.

Mom: We're coming to get you tomorrow. No arguments.

"You aren't fine," Aubrey said, keeping her voice steady. "You are the opposite of fine right now."

"I can't believe you did this," Chloe said, pacing. "What if I end up back in that hospital again? I'll have to drop out of college, probably lose my scholarship. I'd have to leave the Bellas. Everything…" She forced herself to take a breath. She could feel her hands shaking as she clenched them together. "Everything I have worked for will be gone."

"You could die, Chloe," Aubrey said, failing to keep her tears at bay. "This, what you're doing, this could kill you. Will kill you if you don't let someone help. I can't stand by and watch my best friend kill herself. You can hate me if you want, but you're my best friend and I love you. And it hurts to watch you do this to yourself again."

We're coming to get you tomorrow.

Chloe felt trapped. Her heart was racing and she felt like she was going to throw up.

She sat on her bed and let her head fall into her hands.

"I didn't mean for it to go this far," she said, finally crying. "I'm sorry."

Aubrey crossed the room and sat beside her, pulling her into a hug.

"It's okay," she said, relieved that Chloe hadn't pulled away. "You're going to get help."

We're coming to get you tomorrow.

"I don't want to go back to hospital 'Bree," Chloe said, crying. "I don't want to lose everything."

"I know," Aubrey said. "But you can't go on like this."

The next morning, they had their final Bellas rehearsal before Christmas vacation. She managed to muster up the courage to call her Mom on the way, saying she wouldn't be ready to leave until after. Her Mom sounded like she was going to cry on the phone, but she also sounded relieved.

Near the end of the rehearsal, Alice had them do laps again. They had to run up the stairs of the auditorium, along the back row of chairs, down the stairs on the other side, and then past the front row. It was a punishing run, but the pain burning in her legs helped Chloe focus.

In a matter of hours she'd see her family again, and then she didn't know what was going to happen. She felt sick. She kept running.

Of course, she hadn't eaten breakfast that morning, but she kept running. Her legs screaming in pain as she pushed up the stairs.

She started feeling light-headed once she'd reached the top. The other girls had started slowing down. Some of them had stopped and were drinking water, red-faced and exhausted. She knew she should stop too, but once she stopped it would be time to leave, and time to face her parents. She went for one more lap.

The light-headedness was worse now, and she started feeling dizzy. She was half way down the stairs, thinking she'd have to call it a day, when her vision went black and her legs gave out.

When she opened her eyes, Aubrey and the other Bellas were standing over her.

"Are you okay?" Aubrey asked, her face full of worry.

"Yeah," Chloe said, momentarily confused. She could taste blood from where she'd bitten her tongue and her wrist and ankle were throbbing. "What…"

"You fell," Aubrey said, helping her sit up. Stacie came over to her other side.

"You collapsed more like it," Stacie said. She gingerly held Chloe's wrist, shooting her an apologetic look when Chloe to a sharp breath in from the pain. "This is already swelling up, you'll have to get it checked out." Stacie was studying nursing and did some volunteering at the university free clinic. "You should have stopped running when you felt dizzy," she said.

"I'm fine," Chloe said, still feeling sick.

"No you aren't," Stacie replied.

"Alice called an ambulance," Aubrey said. "I'll call your Mom on the way to the hospital."

"Oh my god, I don't need to go to the hospital," Chloe said, feeling irritated and panicked all over again.

"University procedure is we call an ambulance if someone hurts themselves on school property," Alice said, in a tone that left no room for arguments. She looked frazzled in a way that Chloe had never seen before.

"I really don't need all this fuss," Chloe said.

"Chloe, it's okay," Aubrey said quietly.

"I said I'm fine," Chloe said, trying to stand. "I don't want to go to the hospital."

Standing proved to be a mistake as Chloe immediately felt dizzy again.

"Sit down," Stacie said, taking her uninjured arm. She sat her in a chair and handed her a bottle of water. "You need to drink this and calm down."

Chloe drank the water and then looked around at all the other Bellas watching her. She knew she must be coming across as a little crazy or irrational, but she couldn't go to the hospital. They'd take one look at her medical records and she'd end up back at the psych hospital, she knew she would. She felt like she was going to throw up.

"Okay!" Alice said, clapping her hands together. "Let's all stop staring at Chloe, I've got some stuff you all need to know before you leave for Christmas. Rehearsals start up again on January 11th. I want everyone here to know their music inside and out…"

She carried on talking but Chloe wasn't listening. She was grateful Alice had pulled away their attention, but it didn't stop the feeling of rising panic. Her heart was beating painfully in her chest and she felt like she couldn't breathe properly. She wanted to run away but she couldn't. She felt like she was drowning.

"Chlo', calm down, it'll be okay," Aubrey said, softly.

"I can't," Chloe said, breathing too fast. "Please don't make me go to hospital."

"Chloe you need to calm down," Stacie said, her voice quiet but firm, trying not to attract the attention of the other Bellas.

But Chloe couldn't calm down.

We're coming to get you tomorrow.

Everyone was coming to get her.

Her vision went black again.

Beca pulled on her shoes and climbed into her truck the second her phone call with Aubrey had ended. She hadn't even grabbed her jacket.

"I'll meet you out front," Aubrey had said, her voice on the verge of breaking.

She's okay, Beca told herself as she drove, tears burning her eyes. Aubrey said she's okay, she wouldn't lie about that.

But even if Chloe wasn't hurt bad, Beca knew she'd be far from okay.

She made it to the hospital in less than 20 minutes, and sent a quick text to her dad so he knew where she was. It had started snowing, and she was shivering by the time she made it from her truck to the front of the hospital.

Aubrey was there, pacing.

Beca broke out into a run. Aubrey seemed to relax when she saw her, and Beca didn't question it when she pulled her into a hug.

"Is she okay?" Beca asked, hugging her back.

"I think so," Aubrey said, ending their hug so they could walk inside. "She's with her parents and the doctor now. They won't let me see her, while she's speaking to the doctor. It's just family allowed."

"What happened?" Beca asked as they headed for the waiting room. Aubrey had explained briefly over the phone, but Beca needed to hear exactly what had happened.

"We were running laps at the end of rehearsal, and she collapsed running down the stairs. She's sprained her wrist I think and maybe her ankle. She had a panic attack just before the paramedics arrived and she passed out again," Aubrey said, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. They arrived at the waiting room and took a seat on the uncomfortable plastic chairs. "I'm sorry, Beca."

"What for?"

"For not looking after her," Aubrey said, tears filling her eyes again. "I tried to make sure she was eating but I failed. I couldn't help her and now she's back here again."

"It isn't your fault," Beca said. "It isn't anyone's fault." She put her head in her hands and started to cry. "I just want her to be okay. I want her to be happy."

Aubrey put a hand on her back. "I know," she said.

They waited for what felt like hours when Chloe's Mom finally came to see them.

"How is she?" Beca asked, standing up.

"She's okay," Mrs Beale said, her eyes red from crying. "They're going to let us take her home in a few hours but she has to see her psychiatrist tomorrow, and he'll decide the next steps." She looked at Aubrey. "Thank you for calling me."

"Of course," Aubrey said. "Can we see her?"

She glanced over at Beca. "I'll go and ask her."

"She doesn't know you called me," Beca said. It wasn't a question.

"No," Aubrey replied. "But I couldn't not call you."

"She won't want to see me," Beca said, wiping her eyes. "I should go, I don't want to upset her more."

"Let her decide what she wants," Aubrey said.

Beca nodded and sat back down. She didn't know where she and Chloe stood, but she loved her. More than anything. And if Chloe didn't want to be with her anymore, she would accept it, but she wouldn't just walk away from her. Even if she was just there as a friend, she'd be there to support her.

"You guys can see her one at a time," Mrs Beale said, coming back into the waiting room. "Aubrey, do you want to come in first?" Aubrey glanced back at Beca who nodded.

Aubrey followed Mrs Beale out of the waiting room and Beca was alone again. She didn't know if she was ready to see Chloe yet, and the waiting was agony. What if Chloe didn't want her there? What if she looked at her again the way she looked before?

After about twenty minutes, Aubrey was back, and Beca had to stop pondering her 'what if?'s.

"She wants to see you," Aubrey said. "I'll show you where she is."

Beca swallowed and nodded before following Aubrey down a hallway and through a set of double doors. Chloe was in a room on the left, her dad sitting outside, his hands were clenched together. He gave her a weak smile, but tears had filled his eyes and the smile didn't stay long.

Beca gave a tentative knock on her door. Mrs Beale opened it and stepped aside to let her in. She left the room once Beca had entered and closed the door behind her.

"Hi," Beca said, standing near the end of the bed.

"Hi," Chloe replied. She was hugging her knees, one arm wrapped up, a drip in her other hand. She looked smaller and thinner than Beca had ever seen her. She was chewing on her lip and her eyes were full of unshed tears. "I didn't think you'd want to see me," she said, finally looking at Beca.

"Of course I'd want to see you," Beca replied, taking a cautious step closer.

Chloe gave a hollow laugh and looked away, tears spilling down her cheeks. "Why?" She asked, her voice rough.

"Because I love you," Beca said.

Chloe's lip started quivering. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Beca said, moving so she was sitting in the chair beside her bed.

"I love you too," Chloe said, her voice breaking. "I'm sorry," she said, fully crying.

Beca started crying too. "Can I?" She opened her arms to hug her. Chloe nodded and Beca pulled her into a hug. Chloe gripped her shirt and buried her face in Beca's neck.

"I'm sorry," Chloe kept saying, still crying hard. "I'm so sorry."

"I know," Beca said, closing her eyes. "I know you are." She kissed her head. She wasn't going to tell Chloe that it was okay. Because she knew the way she had treated her wasn't okay, and Chloe knew it to.

"I don't want to break up," Chloe said.

"Neither do I," Beca said, holding her tighter. They knew they had a long way to go, but both Beca and Chloe felt relief flood through them as they held each other. "I love you," Beca said.

"I love you too," Chloe replied.

#one more year #knope.we.can #bechloe au #bechloe fanfic #bechloe fanfiction #bechloe #bechloe/high school au #bechloe/Highschool au #bechloe/hsau #hsau #high school au #highschool au #beca #beca mitchell #Beca x Chloe #chloe #chloe beale #pitch pefect #pitch perfect fanfic #pitch perfect fanfiction #au #fanfiction #fanfic

[wineanddinosaur]

Next Round: James O’Brien, Owner of Brooklyn’s Popina, on Pivoting to Fast-Casual During Covid-19

Airing between regular episodes of the VinePair Podcast, “Next Round” explores the ideas and innovations that are helping drinks businesses adapt in a time of unprecedented change. As the coronavirus crisis continues and new challenges arise, VP Pro is in your corner, supporting the drinks community for all the rounds to come. If you have a story or perspective to share, email us at [email protected].

In this episode of “Next Round,” VinePair CEO and founder Adam Teeter sits down with James O’Brien, the owner-operator of Popina in Brooklyn. Like every “Next Round” guest before him, O’Brien has dealt with his share of difficulties as he restructured his restaurant to function during Covid-19.

While expanding to outdoor dining meant placing tables over a former bocce ball court, it also meant switching to counter-service dining. In a restaurant that prioritizes hospitality, a stellar wine program, and relationships with its regulars, this wasn’t always easy. Moreover, the changing weather has brought its own hassles in terms of rethinking the menu and choosing the perfect, no-hassle rooftop.

Throughout it all, O’Brien manages to stay positive as he describes these frustrations, and even opens up about his own experience in lockdown. After Popina closed for a month, he emerged and decided to be more mindful about creating a good work-life balance for himself and his team. This approach weighed into recent discussions about what to do when the winter sets in, as Popina is one of many “cozy” New York restaurants that has refused to seat guests indoors. All in all, O’Brien discusses his plans with a level of gratitude for the regulars who have helped keep Popina afloat.

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Or Check out the conversation here

Adam: From Brooklyn, New York, I’m Adam Teeter. And this is a VinePair “Next Round” conversation. We’re bringing you these conversations between our regular podcast episodes to give you a clear picture of what’s going on in the industry during the Covid-19 crisis. Today, I’m talking with James O’Brien, partner of Popina restaurant in Brooklyn, New York. James thanks so much for joining me.

James: Hey, thanks for having me.

A: So, I obviously am familiar with the restaurant. I think for those who don’t know about you guys, you’ve really, I don’t want to say quietly anymore, but really become a spot in the city that’s just become known for really awesome takes on Italian food. You do some really cool — I don’t want to call it fusion cuisine, but interesting mashups. Your Milanese hot chicken is ridiculous, but then also a just incredible wine program. And a place that lots of people who are wine geeks and people in the industry seek out to drink at. And that was well before all of this happened, but you guys have built this incredible reputation for yourselves as just having this amazing place where people can go and drink really delicious stuff. So for those who do not know about Popina, you gotta go check it out after this interview. But can you just give us a little background on the restaurant, and your background, and how you guys started?

J: Yeah, for sure. So we opened up Popina, myself and Chris McDade, who’s my business partner and the chef of Popina. He is originally from Georgia. So that helped create the food programming. He’s always cooked Italian food. I always worked in Italian restaurants, and he basically took up his upbringing, his nostalgia, and the ingredients of the South, but he applied them in an Italian context. So, we met at Maialino in Gramercy Park, one of Danny Meyer’s restaurants, and we just kinda hit it off. I mean Chris has an incredible work ethic, and that was one of the things that attracted me to continuing the conversation with him. And obviously he cooks delicious food. He’s a pasta guru. If he���s not actually cooking, he’s studying pasta, reading about it, learning new things. Whether it’s a traditional shape or technique. So he’s really into food in general, but obviously pasta is one of the strong suits of the restaurant. So we met, we worked over there. I worked all in a lot of Danny’s restaurants. I started at Tabla. When Tabla closed I went to Maialino and then I actually joined the team over at Marta for a little bit, before taking some time off and doing a year of travel. And when I got back, Chris at that point had moved back to Atlanta, then moved back to New York. And we linked up and we were just talking about what we wanted to do. And we overlapped on a lot of what that vision was. I mean, we started out with a ton of ideas, but at the heart of all of it was we wanted to create a neighborhood restaurant. It was important for us to create a space that could be a special occasion place, but was more a community gathering place where people could come and have a bowl of pasta and a glass of wine and not break the bank. And they can do it on a regular basis. So, that being said, we also wanted to make sure we were elevating it. More so than your neighborhood restaurant, in the food, the beverage, and also the hospitality. So, you come in, if you like ice in your water our staff would remember that. And, you would continue to create regulars, and create kind of “wow” experiences. But do it in a context that wasn’t forced and just kept people smiling. We started the restaurant with one goal and that was to like, make your day a little bit better. And if it could be a lot better, that’s even better. That’s even greater, but we live in New York City, and it is so tough, right? Everyone’s just trying to make a living and get by. And sometimes it’s hard and it chases people out. And I think that food is super powerful. And if people could come into our restaurant and kind of forget that they just worked a 12-hour day, or maybe they’re thinking about their rent bill, or thinking about a bad subway experience, or whatever it could be. If we could transport you and make you forget about the everyday worries of living in New York and just make your day a little bit better with a glass of wine or a bowl of pasta, then that’s our goal. And if we could build on that, even better. But it’s as simple and as complicated as that.

A: That’s really, really cool. And so obviously, the restaurant has been around for a few years and has been really doing well. You guys have had a bunch of really cool winemaker dinners and things like that. Can you take me through what has gone through your head and how you guys have changed, or done different things since basically March 13th? So I think March 13th, everything across the country changed for a lot of people, for most people, and especially for restaurants and bars. So I’d love to get an idea of what you guys have done, and take us from that point to like where we are now, basically.

J: Yeah. So in March, a lot of other restaurant owners had to let go of their staff. And it was a crazy year. It was our first January and February that we were busy. The last two winters were, if you came to Popina on a Wednesday, Thursday, pretty much any day but a Friday, Saturday in the winter, it was crickets, right? We excelled in the summer and on the weekends, but it was so difficult to get people in there on a Wednesday in January and February. And so we were feeling so good about that. And then basically, March was a busy time. Chris was cooking at the Food and Wine Festival down in Charleston. I was down there with him and then I came back to work at La Paulée with all the winemakers, which is crazy to think that that was in March. And that’s right before all this shutdown and just all those people together, sharing glasses, hugging.

A: Totally crazy.

J: Crazy. And then, fast forward, and we get to the 14th or somewhere around that date where we had a conversation with our staff, I want to say Thursday or Friday, that it was going to go to half capacity. And we said, we’re a small restaurant, guys. And we don’t think this is going in a positive direction. And we just want to be upfront with people. And we don’t think that half capacity works for us. Inside Popina, for those of you who have been, 36 people sat in there and seated. It was like sardines. Right? Hopefully it didn’t feel like that. Like, I feel like it felt more cozy than cramped. But yeah, we used to fit 36 people in there, but under these new Covid guidelines, it’s like even at half capacity it was just too close for comfort. We can’t really responsibly sit people in that space. And that kind of goes to our plan as of now, which is crazy that we’re talking about March and that was our mindset, and we’re still dealing with that same issue now that we can’t really use the outside space again, it’s a little colder. But we don’t feel like it would be responsible seating people inside under these circumstances. So we gave our team a big tip before we actually had to shut down. We gave our team the heads up and basically told them that they should start applying to unemployment and we gave them a little cash in hand, as like a little severance of sorts and just said, “Hey, hopefully this will float you just in case you have any issues with unemployment.” And also during the shutdown, we did I think two or three rounds of employee fund outreach. So basically, we had our guests donate. We didn’t do it through GoFundMe because I feel like they take a percentage of it, or at least that was my understanding of it. So we did it through our Instagram and our Venmo and stuff like that. So we raised some money for them, and everyone was so grateful. I mean, it wasn’t a ton of money, but just a little something. I think our staff was just pumped that we were continuing to look out for them, even though technically the likelihood of bringing them back was a long shot, at least in recent times. So then, we tried delivery for a week with a bare bones staff. Me, Mike, who is our executive sous chef, Chris, and Sean, who was the G.M. We were doing actually decent business because I think people just wanted to support us. Our delivery business, in general, is pretty terrible. We just don’t do a lot of it. Especially because we don’t do pasta to go. That’s one of Chris’s things that he just won’t bend on. At all.

A: I understand. If he doesn’t think it travels well, then he doesn’t think it travels well.

J: Yeah. That’s kinda what it boils down to. And we actually over time we’ve started doing some pasta kits and some other delivery alternatives. but as far as cooking pasta and putting it in a box, it’s just like not his thing. So we have to continue to think about creative ways to not do that, but still continue to try to make people’s day a little bit better. And when you can’t actually have people at the restaurant, we found that that’s incredibly challenging. So we do delivery for a week with the bare bones staff, things get worse, obviously everyone in New York kinda knew. If we think about late March, early April, New York was a scary place. And so we decided to call it. Then we cleaned out our fridge. We told our staff that if anyone wanted some things to take home, but when Chris orders he does an amazing job at basically ordering enough food for said service or two services or whatever. So there’s not a lot of extra food. Which from a business standpoint, I’m always like, “Man, you’re good.” Like this is awesome for business. But then when I’m rummaging around the fridge for an extra snack at the end of the night, that’s not always the best, but we had some leftover product. And any dried pasta we were using doesn’t really go bad, but like if people wanted the greens, we had some produce, we had some meat, and we reached out to our staff and we said, “Hey, if you want some food, come on by.” And I would go to the restaurant regularly just to check in. And one of the things that was super sad, but helped out a lot was I liquidated my inventory. I had probably close to 60K of wine inventory, and then in like two weeks, I brought it down to $10,000.

A: How did you do that? Did you sell to other restaurants? Did you sell it to customers?

J: I reached out to a couple of my wine regulars that I knew drank really well, and I had offered them some pretty good discounts with what’s still making money. I mean, there was this one guy that probably bought $15K of wine by himself, and he bought it all at list price. And I told this guy, he will forever have a reservation for a table in the backyard. I might even name the table after him and his wife, seriously. He continues to buy wine and he’s a wine collector, but the best kind where he doesn’t always talk about it. He just loves wine, and he loves really great wine. And he continues to buy. So it’s been great, especially with the loosening of the S.L.A. guidelines. So when he comes in to dinner, he’ll come in and spend a couple hundred bucks on dinner, but then before he leaves, he’ll pick up a case of wine and that helps us, especially on the rainy days. It’s either feast or famine with us. It’s either the backyard is jammin’ from 12 to 8 on a Saturday, the sun is shining. It’s amazing. Kind of like last Saturday, especially with all the good energy.

A: Oh, yeah. With the election.

J: Yeah. But then yesterday, it was raining and I saw three people yesterday, and you know what I’m saying? Like, we didn’t do any business yesterday. So those guidelines, although they’re annoying with the whole, like “we have to sell food” and all this it at least allows us a little bit of a lifeline. So basically, I sold a bunch of inventory to some of my wine regulars, and then just basically was like, “Hey guys, New York is a sad place. It’s probably going to get sadder. If you want a case of wine, come on by.” I also gave industry people who got laid off wine at cost and the whole idea behind that was it’s like these people lost their job, but they still need good wine and stuff like that. So I put it out there to our channels on Instagram or whatever. And I said, If you’re in the industry, and you lost your job, wine at cost. Whether it’s the $15 bottle of wine or the $100 bottle of wine, I don’t really care. And that also helped us decrease inventory. When you still have to pay rent, and do all these other things, paying all the invoices, a bottle of wine is not going to really help you. So I liquidated a lot of that, which again it was sad because it was three years of me building up what I thought was an awesome list with back vintage this, and this rare wine from here. And it was sad to let it go. But I know they went to good homes. And I really like when I open that bottle for somebody and they drink it with the food at Popina and you see this reaction and you create this special food and wine experience. And when you sell it retail you just hope that they served it right. Or they enjoyed it as much as they would if they were at Popina. So basically after doing that, I just took a break. Like, I took a month, and it was kind of wild. I don’t think besides traveling throughout the last couple of years, if I took a big trip, or took that year off and just traveled, I haven’t stayed at home. And I was actually super scared, and I had to like buy a spice cabinet. I didn’t have salt. My fridge was Champagne, white wine, and hot sauce. I didn’t have anything else. So I’m building a spice cabinet. I’m taking the stickers off my pots and pans. I live by myself, and I was super scared of “what am I going to do with all this time?” I had to update all my Hulu or Netflix because I get home from work and I go to sleep. I won’t spend a lot of time at home, and I was kinda nervous about it. Chris was super pumped, ‘cause he has a 2-year-old, and he was just pumped to be at home with the kid and have some family time. ‘Cause in our industry, it’s a tough thing to come by. But for me I was just like, “Oh s***, I don’t really do well by myself,” or at least I didn’t think I would. But it was awesome because I was in New York. I got to read a book that wasn’t about wine, or I got to learn Spanish. I got to start doing yoga and do all these things that I’m always like, “I’m too busy for it.” I wake up and I’m back on this grind, unfortunately, where I don’t give a lot of me time, but I wake up and I’m like, “I got to go to work.” And then I work until my eyes are shutting and then I go to sleep, you know what I’m saying? So, the month was great, obviously a lot of s*****, I don’t really mean great, but it allowed me to have this time and really hopefully take advantage of it and put in a little self-care, which I think is hard in our industry. And I think if there was anything that came out of this is I think, I’m going to try to be more mindful about myself and my team, creating a good work-life balance and a healthy lifestyle where people don’t feel like they just need to grind it out all the time. But as a business owner, it’s hard, because every day I wake up and I’m like, “OK, no one’s going to hand this to me. I have to go out and get it.” And it makes you motivated.

A: Well James, at any time during this period, were you freaking out about — I mean, I assume you guys felt pretty comfortable where you guys were as a business. ‘Cause at any time were you freaking out about, “Well, what about our landlord? Could we get evicted, or what’s going to happen?” I don’t know if at this point, PPP, everyone was talking about it, but I know none of us knew if we were going to get it. Was that all happening too, or, were you pretty confident that you could manage it to get to where you’d maybe be able to reopen?

J: Well, our landlord was really great throughout this. He didn’t necessarily give us any rent concessions or a discount on rent, but he made us aware that he was there. And he actually got engaged at Popina, which was pretty awesome. And I think he just wants us to be around, especially because there are a couple of restaurants in his spaces that are shuttered. And I think he helped us. And one of the first things that I actually did is we had a driveway space next to us that used to belong to Pok-Pok when we took over the lease. But then we actually were like, “Oh, we don’t want this driveway.” And Pok-Pok was still on the corner. So they kept the driveway space. And, long story short is there was this empty driveway. And I asked him, I was like, “Hey, can we get that driveway?” ‘Cause this was in March, so I had no idea what it was going to look like. I think a lot of people were like, “Oh yeah, by summertime, we’re going to be good. Back to normal.” But I was just like, outside space is going to be the biggest, hottest commodity. So, I’m like, we need this outside space. So I called him, and I think he was already on the defensive because other businesses were calling him like, “Hey, Greg, can I get a discount on rent?” And I was like, “Greg, I’m not asking for a discount. I just want the driveway space next to it. It’s been vacant for a year. I know it’s not our space right now, but if we could attach that to our lease at a reasonable rate, hopefully, free rate, that would help us. That would make us so much more comfortable going into this uncertain period.” And he agreed to it. And so we took over the space, and basically that space has allowed us to spread out the tables this summer and we created a very different service model than we used to do at Popina. So Popina used to be full service, and now we’ve pivoted to a counter service. We didn’t want you to walk into Popina, go into the backyard, and have this QR code here, and have like a very “airport” kind of experience, right? Where you’re ordering through an iPad or your phone or whatever. Like as much as safety was our biggest concern, we wanted to have at least one “Hello,” you know? So the guests walk into Popina, “Hello, welcome.” And then they order their drinks and their food, and then we give them their drinks, and then they take a number. And they could sit anywhere they want in the backyard, which also allows different people to have different comfort levels. So if you want to be at this table, in the corner where no one will pass you or anything, that’s cool, grab that table. If you want to be closer to the door so you could reorder, cool, grab that table. So, we’ve done that, and we’ve set up the wine shop where people could come in and just grab their bottle. So we wanted to basically take less from the full-service model of giving more is actually giving less. So we wanted to have that “Hello” point, but then we want to say, “Hey, once you’re in the backyard, we’re just going to bring you food.” And it’s evolved. We used to bring people’s stuff in to-go containers. And then one day we were like, “Hey. Maybe we should put it on plates.” And then it was plates with wrapped-up silverware, and then we’re like, “Hey, maybe we should give people real silverware, because those knives don’t really seem like they’re cutting the chicken.” So it’s evolved a lot into what it is right now. And you know, we’re still asking ourselves, “How could we do this better, beyond the guest side of making it easy and comfortable?” So it’s continuing to evolve, for sure. But right, now we are in this sweet spot where I think a lot of people really like it, and there’s some people that don’t get it. And I think a lot of those people are the first timers who are probably reading old Infatuation reviews, but we have an amazing group of regulars who come every week and they love the system, and they know the system. So if you want to start with a cocktail, but you’re going to get a bottle of wine, get it all, you know, get it all. And we pop the bottle. We’ll give you your glasses, give you your cocktails. And then you literally don’t have to come back in. And then what we do is all the pricing includes a gratuity. We built it in because of this fast-casual service. And so if you don’t want to come back into the restaurant, we just close out. We close out your check, and everything’s good. It’s like if you went to a Superiority Burger or whatever. You pay up front, and then you’re good. You don’t have to come back in or anything. You could order your whole meal, and we still course things out for you. But, yeah, it’s definitely new to us, but we will likely change it going into the next spring or fall or spring or summer, but right now it works and people seem to dig it. And we don’t worry about turning tables, because we don’t take reservations. It’s first come, first serve. And yeah, it’s how we’re doing it right now.

A: So it’s really funny because you mentioned Atlanta earlier, and I lived in Atlanta for a little while, and there’s a restaurant I used to like when I was in my early 20s called FIGO Pasta, which was like this model. And it’s always been interesting to me that you never really found that in New York, so it’s cool that you guys have adapted it and moved to that now. Because to me, it seems like it does make a lot of sense and you have such a nice backyard, and kudos to you for being willing to do that, and figuring out what could work for your customers. I think that shows what everyone is having to do, which is try to change their models to make it work. What are you thinking about now? It’s November 12th, and we’re talking. We had a gorgeous weekend, as you mentioned last weekend, but it’s gonna start to get colder. The city has just passed the ordinance that you can’t stay open until past 10, as opposed to 11, which I don’t understand why Covid spreads further past 10 than past 11. And as you mentioned earlier, the space inside is small. In the winter, it actually feels super cozy, and that’s what makes it special. But obviously, no one wants to feel super cozy in a pandemic. Right? They don’t want to be right next to people. Are you guys buying heaters? Have you thought about that kind of stuff? Have you thought about trying to cover parts of your backyard? What’s going through your mind?

J: Yeah. Pretty much all those things. So, we’ve had like a million plans. And we always come in and we’re like, “OK, well maybe how about this? Or how about that?” And we always decide on something and then things change. I mean, the fact that it was 70 degrees last weekend, it was kind of crazy. So the plan right now is we ordered heaters two months ago. They just got here last weekend. It’s, a pain in the a**. And now we’re faced with, OK, we want to start using the heaters, but now we’re trying to jump over all the hurdles and obstacles related to getting them going with the fire department. One thing that Chris and I always agree on is we always want to do things the right way, and sometimes that’s either expensive or time-consuming. And right now, it’s like doing everything properly with the FDNY and the registration of the heaters and the placement of the propane cage and getting a fitness test related to using the propane heaters. So we’re doing all that stuff, but it’s very time-consuming and expensive. And, part of us sometimes are like, cool, we’re over in Red Hook. Let’s just take a chance, and are they going to really come to get us? And then, and then we think maybe if we owned the restaurant and didn’t have any investors, but then we’re like, cool. Our pool of investors are a little bit more prudent. And we just want to make sure we’re making the right decision for them. And so the heaters are to be determined. Hopefully, we could get all that stuff squared away, but the one thing that we didn’t notice, the weekend of Halloween, it was super cold. And even if we had heaters, the food gets cold. And then when you’re doing pasta, it’s like sure, people might come out and dress warm — throwing their long johns on or whatever — but what’s the deal with the food? And we want the food to be good and delicious and hot, you know? And so that’s the latest conversation I’m having with Chris, is “How do we create a menu without getting far from what we do?” ‘Cause if we don’t do pasta, then pasta is one of the things that people come for, and if we don’t do pasta, then our menu changes, and then are people coming to Popina for that stuff? And that’s the challenging part. Figuring out the food. So, yesterday I actually had somebody come by and quote me on a retractable roof, which I think I will have to sell way more wine or maybe even like a body part to afford. But it’s long-term, and we’re trying to link up with our landlord to see if he has any interest in either splitting the cost with us or doing something that will allow us to afford to do it, because Popina is not covered in the backyard. So basically anytime it rains, you’re kind of screwed. We work with a tent company when people have events. But it’s like $1,700 every time you want to put up a tent. That’s a lot of money, especially because when we’re selling events, we’re not charging people that much to have our look, have the space, and the food, and the drink. So it’s like that tent could double the price of your event real quick. So we’re considering that, and looking into other alternatives. Unfortunately, everything is either kind of shoddy and cheap, or very expensive. And if there’s anyone out there that has any good recommendations on outdoor coverings — and that’s the tough part too, our backyard. We don’t want there to be a tent around it all the time, because part of being outside is you want to see the sky and the tree and all that. So we’re trying to figure out how to cover it, and I’m also not trying to put up a big-a** tent every time I think it’s going to rain.

A: That’d be the worst. You’re running out into the backyard. You’re getting all the stakes. You’re like trying to build the tent as fast as you can. Yeah, that would be the worst.

J: Yeah, no, I got enough stuff to do. And so we’re trying to figure that out. We actually are considering closing for January and February and just going on a little sabbatical of sorts.

A: Yeah, I’ve heard a lot of restaurants were considering that.

J: Yeah. And I was fighting against it, it was actually Chris’s idea, and I was like, “Chris, we need to be there for our people and our community that have supported us.” And I was super against it. ‘Cause I’m just like, we got to figure out a way to keep the lights on, and if that means reducing salary or whatever I have to do to make that happen, I’ll do it. But then I thought about it, I played it out in my mind and it’s like Chris boxing up to-go food, me trying to sell some wine — if the S.L.A. keeps restrictions loose. And I didn’t see us coming out of this, maybe better financially than closing, but not in the best spirits. A lot of people that stayed open for delivery since March, they were like, “Cool. I was the most expensive to-go boxer in all of New York.” And I don’t want us to grow to resent doing the delivery or just the restaurant in general. I want us to be excited about it and go back to that time in April when we took off. I also want to be able to think about things outside the everyday running of the restaurant. Sometimes I’m like “s***, I don’t think about the long-term plan, because there’s not enough hours in the day, because I’m putting in orders or making sure we’re staffed or whatever it is.” There’s not enough hours in the day. So if we close down, that would allow us to think about the long-term business or “how do we revamp the backyard?” Since summer’s our strongest season, right? How do we basically make it into the most efficient, profitable, situation that we could? And right now, if we’re just going to be doing the grind of the everyday, it’s hard to think about that kind of stuff. So, we’re considering closing for those couple months. And obviously it sucks, because rent is still due and all those things, but I think it will give us a different way to look at business, and hopefully just get re-inspired and dive into those creative thoughts of what the future looks like. There’s a restaurant, I think they’re called The Willows Inn, that I think they do that every year. In the winter, they just close up shop and then they go travel and do this and do that. And they work so hard during the rest of the year, that they’re like, “Cool, we’re going to take a couple of months off.” And again, we’re way different. We’re a neighborhood restaurant, but I think we’re still trying to think about how to make people’s day a little bit better and how to revamp the food program and the wine program or think about creative partnerships. You know, maybe we’ll have a Popina wine or a beer on tap. These are things that I always wanted to pursue, but there’s just not enough time, because I am checking in a delivery or ordering our dry goods or whatever it is. And so, I think we’re leading towards that, but if we could get our S.B.A. loan and we could get this retractable roof that we could actually use year-round, and stay open January, February, that’s also not a bad alternative, too. So, the plan is right now to close for a couple of months, but who knows? We’ve made changes before. And one of the good things about being a little shop is we can make these decisions day to day. We don’t have to make an announcement. It takes less to steer the ship, you know?

A: Yeah. Well, James, it’s amazing how much you guys have adapted and how well you have adapted. And this has been just like a really interesting conversation to hear what’s happening with you, but also hopefully gives other people listening some perspective on what’s happening for neighborhood restaurants and how neighborhood restaurants are figuring out how to make it work. So I really appreciate you taking the time today, obviously also understanding that you’ve basically given me almost an hour to talk about this when there’s probably a lot that you need to do as you, as you mentioned throughout the podcast. So thank you so much. This has been really awesome.

A: You’re welcome. We wouldn’t be able to do without people like you, so I really appreciate you coming on. And I can’t wait to see you at Popina again soon, definitely a few times before you guys close for January and February, but I support the decision.

J: All right, my man.

A: Thank you, James.

J: Have a good one.

Thanks so much for listening to the VinePair Podcast. If you enjoy listening to us every week, please leave us a review or rating on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, or wherever it is that you get your podcasts. It really helps everyone else discover the show. Now, for the credits. VinePair is produced and hosted by Zach Geballe and me, Adam Teeter. Our engineer is Nick Patri and Keith Beavers. I’d also like to give a special shout-out to my VinePair co-founder Josh Malin and the rest of the VinePair team for their support. Thanks so much for listening, and we’ll see you again right here next week.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity

The article Next Round: James O’Brien, Owner of Brooklyn’s Popina, on Pivoting to Fast-Casual During Covid-19 appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/next-round-james-obrien-popina/

[johnboothus]

Next Round: James OBrien Owner of Brooklyns Popina on Pivoting to Fast-Casual During Covid-19

Airing between regular episodes of the VinePair Podcast, “Next Round” explores the ideas and innovations that are helping drinks businesses adapt in a time of unprecedented change. As the coronavirus crisis continues and new challenges arise, VP Pro is in your corner, supporting the drinks community for all the rounds to come. If you have a story or perspective to share, email us at [email protected].

In this episode of “Next Round,” VinePair CEO and founder Adam Teeter sits down with James O’Brien, the owner-operator of Popina in Brooklyn. Like every “Next Round” guest before him, O’Brien has dealt with his share of difficulties as he restructured his restaurant to function during Covid-19.

While expanding to outdoor dining meant placing tables over a former bocce ball court, it also meant switching to counter-service dining. In a restaurant that prioritizes hospitality, a stellar wine program, and relationships with its regulars, this wasn’t always easy. Moreover, the changing weather has brought its own hassles in terms of rethinking the menu and choosing the perfect, no-hassle rooftop.

Throughout it all, O’Brien manages to stay positive as he describes these frustrations, and even opens up about his own experience in lockdown. After Popina closed for a month, he emerged and decided to be more mindful about creating a good work-life balance for himself and his team. This approach weighed into recent discussions about what to do when the winter sets in, as Popina is one of many “cozy” New York restaurants that has refused to seat guests indoors. All in all, O’Brien discusses his plans with a level of gratitude for the regulars who have helped keep Popina afloat.

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Adam: From Brooklyn, New York, I’m Adam Teeter. And this is a VinePair “Next Round” conversation. We’re bringing you these conversations between our regular podcast episodes to give you a clear picture of what’s going on in the industry during the Covid-19 crisis. Today, I’m talking with James O’Brien, partner of Popina restaurant in Brooklyn, New York. James thanks so much for joining me.

James: Hey, thanks for having me.

A: So, I obviously am familiar with the restaurant. I think for those who don’t know about you guys, you’ve really, I don’t want to say quietly anymore, but really become a spot in the city that’s just become known for really awesome takes on Italian food. You do some really cool — I don’t want to call it fusion cuisine, but interesting mashups. Your Milanese hot chicken is ridiculous, but then also a just incredible wine program. And a place that lots of people who are wine geeks and people in the industry seek out to drink at. And that was well before all of this happened, but you guys have built this incredible reputation for yourselves as just having this amazing place where people can go and drink really delicious stuff. So for those who do not know about Popina, you gotta go check it out after this interview. But can you just give us a little background on the restaurant, and your background, and how you guys started?

J: Yeah, for sure. So we opened up Popina, myself and Chris McDade, who’s my business partner and the chef of Popina. He is originally from Georgia. So that helped create the food programming. He’s always cooked Italian food. I always worked in Italian restaurants, and he basically took up his upbringing, his nostalgia, and the ingredients of the South, but he applied them in an Italian context. So, we met at Maialino in Gramercy Park, one of Danny Meyer’s restaurants, and we just kinda hit it off. I mean Chris has an incredible work ethic, and that was one of the things that attracted me to continuing the conversation with him. And obviously he cooks delicious food. He’s a pasta guru. If he’s not actually cooking, he’s studying pasta, reading about it, learning new things. Whether it’s a traditional shape or technique. So he’s really into food in general, but obviously pasta is one of the strong suits of the restaurant. So we met, we worked over there. I worked all in a lot of Danny’s restaurants. I started at Tabla. When Tabla closed I went to Maialino and then I actually joined the team over at Marta for a little bit, before taking some time off and doing a year of travel. And when I got back, Chris at that point had moved back to Atlanta, then moved back to New York. And we linked up and we were just talking about what we wanted to do. And we overlapped on a lot of what that vision was. I mean, we started out with a ton of ideas, but at the heart of all of it was we wanted to create a neighborhood restaurant. It was important for us to create a space that could be a special occasion place, but was more a community gathering place where people could come and have a bowl of pasta and a glass of wine and not break the bank. And they can do it on a regular basis. So, that being said, we also wanted to make sure we were elevating it. More so than your neighborhood restaurant, in the food, the beverage, and also the hospitality. So, you come in, if you like ice in your water our staff would remember that. And, you would continue to create regulars, and create kind of “wow” experiences. But do it in a context that wasn’t forced and just kept people smiling. We started the restaurant with one goal and that was to like, make your day a little bit better. And if it could be a lot better, that’s even better. That’s even greater, but we live in New York City, and it is so tough, right? Everyone’s just trying to make a living and get by. And sometimes it’s hard and it chases people out. And I think that food is super powerful. And if people could come into our restaurant and kind of forget that they just worked a 12-hour day, or maybe they’re thinking about their rent bill, or thinking about a bad subway experience, or whatever it could be. If we could transport you and make you forget about the everyday worries of living in New York and just make your day a little bit better with a glass of wine or a bowl of pasta, then that’s our goal. And if we could build on that, even better. But it’s as simple and as complicated as that.

A: That’s really, really cool. And so obviously, the restaurant has been around for a few years and has been really doing well. You guys have had a bunch of really cool winemaker dinners and things like that. Can you take me through what has gone through your head and how you guys have changed, or done different things since basically March 13th? So I think March 13th, everything across the country changed for a lot of people, for most people, and especially for restaurants and bars. So I’d love to get an idea of what you guys have done, and take us from that point to like where we are now, basically.

J: Yeah. So in March, a lot of other restaurant owners had to let go of their staff. And it was a crazy year. It was our first January and February that we were busy. The last two winters were, if you came to Popina on a Wednesday, Thursday, pretty much any day but a Friday, Saturday in the winter, it was crickets, right? We excelled in the summer and on the weekends, but it was so difficult to get people in there on a Wednesday in January and February. And so we were feeling so good about that. And then basically, March was a busy time. Chris was cooking at the Food and Wine Festival down in Charleston. I was down there with him and then I came back to work at La Paulée with all the winemakers, which is crazy to think that that was in March. And that’s right before all this shutdown and just all those people together, sharing glasses, hugging.

A: Totally crazy.

J: Crazy. And then, fast forward, and we get to the 14th or somewhere around that date where we had a conversation with our staff, I want to say Thursday or Friday, that it was going to go to half capacity. And we said, we’re a small restaurant, guys. And we don’t think this is going in a positive direction. And we just want to be upfront with people. And we don’t think that half capacity works for us. Inside Popina, for those of you who have been, 36 people sat in there and seated. It was like sardines. Right? Hopefully it didn’t feel like that. Like, I feel like it felt more cozy than cramped. But yeah, we used to fit 36 people in there, but under these new Covid guidelines, it’s like even at half capacity it was just too close for comfort. We can’t really responsibly sit people in that space. And that kind of goes to our plan as of now, which is crazy that we’re talking about March and that was our mindset, and we’re still dealing with that same issue now that we can’t really use the outside space again, it’s a little colder. But we don’t feel like it would be responsible seating people inside under these circumstances. So we gave our team a big tip before we actually had to shut down. We gave our team the heads up and basically told them that they should start applying to unemployment and we gave them a little cash in hand, as like a little severance of sorts and just said, “Hey, hopefully this will float you just in case you have any issues with unemployment.” And also during the shutdown, we did I think two or three rounds of employee fund outreach. So basically, we had our guests donate. We didn’t do it through GoFundMe because I feel like they take a percentage of it, or at least that was my understanding of it. So we did it through our Instagram and our Venmo and stuff like that. So we raised some money for them, and everyone was so grateful. I mean, it wasn’t a ton of money, but just a little something. I think our staff was just pumped that we were continuing to look out for them, even though technically the likelihood of bringing them back was a long shot, at least in recent times. So then, we tried delivery for a week with a bare bones staff. Me, Mike, who is our executive sous chef, Chris, and Sean, who was the G.M. We were doing actually decent business because I think people just wanted to support us. Our delivery business, in general, is pretty terrible. We just don’t do a lot of it. Especially because we don’t do pasta to go. That’s one of Chris’s things that he just won’t bend on. At all.

A: I understand. If he doesn’t think it travels well, then he doesn’t think it travels well.

J: Yeah. That’s kinda what it boils down to. And we actually over time we’ve started doing some pasta kits and some other delivery alternatives. but as far as cooking pasta and putting it in a box, it’s just like not his thing. So we have to continue to think about creative ways to not do that, but still continue to try to make people’s day a little bit better. And when you can’t actually have people at the restaurant, we found that that’s incredibly challenging. So we do delivery for a week with the bare bones staff, things get worse, obviously everyone in New York kinda knew. If we think about late March, early April, New York was a scary place. And so we decided to call it. Then we cleaned out our fridge. We told our staff that if anyone wanted some things to take home, but when Chris orders he does an amazing job at basically ordering enough food for said service or two services or whatever. So there’s not a lot of extra food. Which from a business standpoint, I’m always like, “Man, you’re good.” Like this is awesome for business. But then when I’m rummaging around the fridge for an extra snack at the end of the night, that’s not always the best, but we had some leftover product. And any dried pasta we were using doesn’t really go bad, but like if people wanted the greens, we had some produce, we had some meat, and we reached out to our staff and we said, “Hey, if you want some food, come on by.” And I would go to the restaurant regularly just to check in. And one of the things that was super sad, but helped out a lot was I liquidated my inventory. I had probably close to 60K of wine inventory, and then in like two weeks, I brought it down to $10,000.

A: How did you do that? Did you sell to other restaurants? Did you sell it to customers?

J: I reached out to a couple of my wine regulars that I knew drank really well, and I had offered them some pretty good discounts with what’s still making money. I mean, there was this one guy that probably bought $15K of wine by himself, and he bought it all at list price. And I told this guy, he will forever have a reservation for a table in the backyard. I might even name the table after him and his wife, seriously. He continues to buy wine and he’s a wine collector, but the best kind where he doesn’t always talk about it. He just loves wine, and he loves really great wine. And he continues to buy. So it’s been great, especially with the loosening of the S.L.A. guidelines. So when he comes in to dinner, he’ll come in and spend a couple hundred bucks on dinner, but then before he leaves, he’ll pick up a case of wine and that helps us, especially on the rainy days. It’s either feast or famine with us. It’s either the backyard is jammin’ from 12 to 8 on a Saturday, the sun is shining. It’s amazing. Kind of like last Saturday, especially with all the good energy.

A: Oh, yeah. With the election.

J: Yeah. But then yesterday, it was raining and I saw three people yesterday, and you know what I’m saying? Like, we didn’t do any business yesterday. So those guidelines, although they’re annoying with the whole, like “we have to sell food” and all this it at least allows us a little bit of a lifeline. So basically, I sold a bunch of inventory to some of my wine regulars, and then just basically was like, “Hey guys, New York is a sad place. It’s probably going to get sadder. If you want a case of wine, come on by.” I also gave industry people who got laid off wine at cost and the whole idea behind that was it’s like these people lost their job, but they still need good wine and stuff like that. So I put it out there to our channels on Instagram or whatever. And I said, If you’re in the industry, and you lost your job, wine at cost. Whether it’s the $15 bottle of wine or the $100 bottle of wine, I don’t really care. And that also helped us decrease inventory. When you still have to pay rent, and do all these other things, paying all the invoices, a bottle of wine is not going to really help you. So I liquidated a lot of that, which again it was sad because it was three years of me building up what I thought was an awesome list with back vintage this, and this rare wine from here. And it was sad to let it go. But I know they went to good homes. And I really like when I open that bottle for somebody and they drink it with the food at Popina and you see this reaction and you create this special food and wine experience. And when you sell it retail you just hope that they served it right. Or they enjoyed it as much as they would if they were at Popina. So basically after doing that, I just took a break. Like, I took a month, and it was kind of wild. I don’t think besides traveling throughout the last couple of years, if I took a big trip, or took that year off and just traveled, I haven’t stayed at home. And I was actually super scared, and I had to like buy a spice cabinet. I didn’t have salt. My fridge was Champagne, white wine, and hot sauce. I didn’t have anything else. So I’m building a spice cabinet. I’m taking the stickers off my pots and pans. I live by myself, and I was super scared of “what am I going to do with all this time?” I had to update all my Hulu or Netflix because I get home from work and I go to sleep. I won’t spend a lot of time at home, and I was kinda nervous about it. Chris was super pumped, ‘cause he has a 2-year-old, and he was just pumped to be at home with the kid and have some family time. ‘Cause in our industry, it’s a tough thing to come by. But for me I was just like, “Oh s***, I don’t really do well by myself,” or at least I didn’t think I would. But it was awesome because I was in New York. I got to read a book that wasn’t about wine, or I got to learn Spanish. I got to start doing yoga and do all these things that I’m always like, “I’m too busy for it.” I wake up and I’m back on this grind, unfortunately, where I don’t give a lot of me time, but I wake up and I’m like, “I got to go to work.” And then I work until my eyes are shutting and then I go to sleep, you know what I’m saying? So, the month was great, obviously a lot of s*****, I don’t really mean great, but it allowed me to have this time and really hopefully take advantage of it and put in a little self-care, which I think is hard in our industry. And I think if there was anything that came out of this is I think, I’m going to try to be more mindful about myself and my team, creating a good work-life balance and a healthy lifestyle where people don’t feel like they just need to grind it out all the time. But as a business owner, it’s hard, because every day I wake up and I’m like, “OK, no one’s going to hand this to me. I have to go out and get it.” And it makes you motivated.

A: Well James, at any time during this period, were you freaking out about — I mean, I assume you guys felt pretty comfortable where you guys were as a business. ‘Cause at any time were you freaking out about, “Well, what about our landlord? Could we get evicted, or what’s going to happen?” I don’t know if at this point, PPP, everyone was talking about it, but I know none of us knew if we were going to get it. Was that all happening too, or, were you pretty confident that you could manage it to get to where you’d maybe be able to reopen?

J: Well, our landlord was really great throughout this. He didn’t necessarily give us any rent concessions or a discount on rent, but he made us aware that he was there. And he actually got engaged at Popina, which was pretty awesome. And I think he just wants us to be around, especially because there are a couple of restaurants in his spaces that are shuttered. And I think he helped us. And one of the first things that I actually did is we had a driveway space next to us that used to belong to Pok-Pok when we took over the lease. But then we actually were like, “Oh, we don’t want this driveway.” And Pok-Pok was still on the corner. So they kept the driveway space. And, long story short is there was this empty driveway. And I asked him, I was like, “Hey, can we get that driveway?” ‘Cause this was in March, so I had no idea what it was going to look like. I think a lot of people were like, “Oh yeah, by summertime, we’re going to be good. Back to normal.” But I was just like, outside space is going to be the biggest, hottest commodity. So, I’m like, we need this outside space. So I called him, and I think he was already on the defensive because other businesses were calling him like, “Hey, Greg, can I get a discount on rent?” And I was like, “Greg, I’m not asking for a discount. I just want the driveway space next to it. It’s been vacant for a year. I know it’s not our space right now, but if we could attach that to our lease at a reasonable rate, hopefully, free rate, that would help us. That would make us so much more comfortable going into this uncertain period.” And he agreed to it. And so we took over the space, and basically that space has allowed us to spread out the tables this summer and we created a very different service model than we used to do at Popina. So Popina used to be full service, and now we’ve pivoted to a counter service. We didn’t want you to walk into Popina, go into the backyard, and have this QR code here, and have like a very “airport” kind of experience, right? Where you’re ordering through an iPad or your phone or whatever. Like as much as safety was our biggest concern, we wanted to have at least one “Hello,” you know? So the guests walk into Popina, “Hello, welcome.” And then they order their drinks and their food, and then we give them their drinks, and then they take a number. And they could sit anywhere they want in the backyard, which also allows different people to have different comfort levels. So if you want to be at this table, in the corner where no one will pass you or anything, that’s cool, grab that table. If you want to be closer to the door so you could reorder, cool, grab that table. So, we’ve done that, and we’ve set up the wine shop where people could come in and just grab their bottle. So we wanted to basically take less from the full-service model of giving more is actually giving less. So we wanted to have that “Hello” point, but then we want to say, “Hey, once you’re in the backyard, we’re just going to bring you food.” And it’s evolved. We used to bring people’s stuff in to-go containers. And then one day we were like, “Hey. Maybe we should put it on plates.” And then it was plates with wrapped-up silverware, and then we’re like, “Hey, maybe we should give people real silverware, because those knives don’t really seem like they’re cutting the chicken.” So it’s evolved a lot into what it is right now. And you know, we’re still asking ourselves, “How could we do this better, beyond the guest side of making it easy and comfortable?” So it’s continuing to evolve, for sure. But right, now we are in this sweet spot where I think a lot of people really like it, and there’s some people that don’t get it. And I think a lot of those people are the first timers who are probably reading old Infatuation reviews, but we have an amazing group of regulars who come every week and they love the system, and they know the system. So if you want to start with a cocktail, but you’re going to get a bottle of wine, get it all, you know, get it all. And we pop the bottle. We’ll give you your glasses, give you your cocktails. And then you literally don’t have to come back in. And then what we do is all the pricing includes a gratuity. We built it in because of this fast-casual service. And so if you don’t want to come back into the restaurant, we just close out. We close out your check, and everything’s good. It’s like if you went to a Superiority Burger or whatever. You pay up front, and then you’re good. You don’t have to come back in or anything. You could order your whole meal, and we still course things out for you. But, yeah, it’s definitely new to us, but we will likely change it going into the next spring or fall or spring or summer, but right now it works and people seem to dig it. And we don’t worry about turning tables, because we don’t take reservations. It’s first come, first serve. And yeah, it’s how we’re doing it right now.

A: So it’s really funny because you mentioned Atlanta earlier, and I lived in Atlanta for a little while, and there’s a restaurant I used to like when I was in my early 20s called FIGO Pasta, which was like this model. And it’s always been interesting to me that you never really found that in New York, so it’s cool that you guys have adapted it and moved to that now. Because to me, it seems like it does make a lot of sense and you have such a nice backyard, and kudos to you for being willing to do that, and figuring out what could work for your customers. I think that shows what everyone is having to do, which is try to change their models to make it work. What are you thinking about now? It’s November 12th, and we’re talking. We had a gorgeous weekend, as you mentioned last weekend, but it’s gonna start to get colder. The city has just passed the ordinance that you can’t stay open until past 10, as opposed to 11, which I don’t understand why Covid spreads further past 10 than past 11. And as you mentioned earlier, the space inside is small. In the winter, it actually feels super cozy, and that’s what makes it special. But obviously, no one wants to feel super cozy in a pandemic. Right? They don’t want to be right next to people. Are you guys buying heaters? Have you thought about that kind of stuff? Have you thought about trying to cover parts of your backyard? What’s going through your mind?

J: Yeah. Pretty much all those things. So, we’ve had like a million plans. And we always come in and we’re like, “OK, well maybe how about this? Or how about that?” And we always decide on something and then things change. I mean, the fact that it was 70 degrees last weekend, it was kind of crazy. So the plan right now is we ordered heaters two months ago. They just got here last weekend. It’s, a pain in the a**. And now we’re faced with, OK, we want to start using the heaters, but now we’re trying to jump over all the hurdles and obstacles related to getting them going with the fire department. One thing that Chris and I always agree on is we always want to do things the right way, and sometimes that’s either expensive or time-consuming. And right now, it’s like doing everything properly with the FDNY and the registration of the heaters and the placement of the propane cage and getting a fitness test related to using the propane heaters. So we’re doing all that stuff, but it’s very time-consuming and expensive. And, part of us sometimes are like, cool, we’re over in Red Hook. Let’s just take a chance, and are they going to really come to get us? And then, and then we think maybe if we owned the restaurant and didn’t have any investors, but then we’re like, cool. Our pool of investors are a little bit more prudent. And we just want to make sure we’re making the right decision for them. And so the heaters are to be determined. Hopefully, we could get all that stuff squared away, but the one thing that we didn’t notice, the weekend of Halloween, it was super cold. And even if we had heaters, the food gets cold. And then when you’re doing pasta, it’s like sure, people might come out and dress warm — throwing their long johns on or whatever — but what’s the deal with the food? And we want the food to be good and delicious and hot, you know? And so that’s the latest conversation I’m having with Chris, is “How do we create a menu without getting far from what we do?” ‘Cause if we don’t do pasta, then pasta is one of the things that people come for, and if we don’t do pasta, then our menu changes, and then are people coming to Popina for that stuff? And that’s the challenging part. Figuring out the food. So, yesterday I actually had somebody come by and quote me on a retractable roof, which I think I will have to sell way more wine or maybe even like a body part to afford. But it’s long-term, and we’re trying to link up with our landlord to see if he has any interest in either splitting the cost with us or doing something that will allow us to afford to do it, because Popina is not covered in the backyard. So basically anytime it rains, you’re kind of screwed. We work with a tent company when people have events. But it’s like $1,700 every time you want to put up a tent. That’s a lot of money, especially because when we’re selling events, we’re not charging people that much to have our look, have the space, and the food, and the drink. So it’s like that tent could double the price of your event real quick. So we’re considering that, and looking into other alternatives. Unfortunately, everything is either kind of shoddy and cheap, or very expensive. And if there’s anyone out there that has any good recommendations on outdoor coverings — and that’s the tough part too, our backyard. We don’t want there to be a tent around it all the time, because part of being outside is you want to see the sky and the tree and all that. So we’re trying to figure out how to cover it, and I’m also not trying to put up a big-a** tent every time I think it’s going to rain.

A: That’d be the worst. You’re running out into the backyard. You’re getting all the stakes. You’re like trying to build the tent as fast as you can. Yeah, that would be the worst.

J: Yeah, no, I got enough stuff to do. And so we’re trying to figure that out. We actually are considering closing for January and February and just going on a little sabbatical of sorts.

A: Yeah, I’ve heard a lot of restaurants were considering that.

J: Yeah. And I was fighting against it, it was actually Chris’s idea, and I was like, “Chris, we need to be there for our people and our community that have supported us.” And I was super against it. ‘Cause I’m just like, we got to figure out a way to keep the lights on, and if that means reducing salary or whatever I have to do to make that happen, I’ll do it. But then I thought about it, I played it out in my mind and it’s like Chris boxing up to-go food, me trying to sell some wine — if the S.L.A. keeps restrictions loose. And I didn’t see us coming out of this, maybe better financially than closing, but not in the best spirits. A lot of people that stayed open for delivery since March, they were like, “Cool. I was the most expensive to-go boxer in all of New York.” And I don’t want us to grow to resent doing the delivery or just the restaurant in general. I want us to be excited about it and go back to that time in April when we took off. I also want to be able to think about things outside the everyday running of the restaurant. Sometimes I’m like “s***, I don’t think about the long-term plan, because there’s not enough hours in the day, because I’m putting in orders or making sure we’re staffed or whatever it is.” There’s not enough hours in the day. So if we close down, that would allow us to think about the long-term business or “how do we revamp the backyard?” Since summer’s our strongest season, right? How do we basically make it into the most efficient, profitable, situation that we could? And right now, if we’re just going to be doing the grind of the everyday, it’s hard to think about that kind of stuff. So, we’re considering closing for those couple months. And obviously it sucks, because rent is still due and all those things, but I think it will give us a different way to look at business, and hopefully just get re-inspired and dive into those creative thoughts of what the future looks like. There’s a restaurant, I think they’re called The Willows Inn, that I think they do that every year. In the winter, they just close up shop and then they go travel and do this and do that. And they work so hard during the rest of the year, that they’re like, “Cool, we’re going to take a couple of months off.” And again, we’re way different. We’re a neighborhood restaurant, but I think we’re still trying to think about how to make people’s day a little bit better and how to revamp the food program and the wine program or think about creative partnerships. You know, maybe we’ll have a Popina wine or a beer on tap. These are things that I always wanted to pursue, but there’s just not enough time, because I am checking in a delivery or ordering our dry goods or whatever it is. And so, I think we’re leading towards that, but if we could get our S.B.A. loan and we could get this retractable roof that we could actually use year-round, and stay open January, February, that’s also not a bad alternative, too. So, the plan is right now to close for a couple of months, but who knows? We’ve made changes before. And one of the good things about being a little shop is we can make these decisions day to day. We don’t have to make an announcement. It takes less to steer the ship, you know?

A: Yeah. Well, James, it’s amazing how much you guys have adapted and how well you have adapted. And this has been just like a really interesting conversation to hear what’s happening with you, but also hopefully gives other people listening some perspective on what’s happening for neighborhood restaurants and how neighborhood restaurants are figuring out how to make it work. So I really appreciate you taking the time today, obviously also understanding that you’ve basically given me almost an hour to talk about this when there’s probably a lot that you need to do as you, as you mentioned throughout the podcast. So thank you so much. This has been really awesome.

A: You’re welcome. We wouldn’t be able to do without people like you, so I really appreciate you coming on. And I can’t wait to see you at Popina again soon, definitely a few times before you guys close for January and February, but I support the decision.

J: All right, my man.

A: Thank you, James.

J: Have a good one.

Thanks so much for listening to the VinePair Podcast. If you enjoy listening to us every week, please leave us a review or rating on iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, or wherever it is that you get your podcasts. It really helps everyone else discover the show. Now, for the credits. VinePair is produced and hosted by Zach Geballe and me, Adam Teeter. Our engineer is Nick Patri and Keith Beavers. I’d also like to give a special shout-out to my VinePair co-founder Josh Malin and the rest of the VinePair team for their support. Thanks so much for listening, and we’ll see you again right here next week.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity

The article Next Round: James O’Brien, Owner of Brooklyn’s Popina, on Pivoting to Fast-Casual During Covid-19 appeared first on VinePair.

Via https://vinepair.com/articles/next-round-james-obrien-popina/

source https://vinology1.weebly.com/blog/next-round-james-obrien-owner-of-brooklyns-popina-on-pivoting-to-fast-casual-during-covid-19

[graysonpuzzle]

Dreams

Note: this might be my favorite chapter so far. Its definitely happier than all the previous chapters.

THE PUZZLE

CHAPTER FIVE

-----------------------------

January 16th, 2007

I took a few days off hunting to recover from being possessed and finding out the truth that my grandpa and even Bobby had been hiding from me. Apparently after initially getting taken over, the demon went to the Roadhouse and attacked Ellen and Jo. Soon after Bobby showed up it attacked him too. Then it continued to go to his house, where the three of them went after they called some guy names Ash to watch the Roadhouse. Then the three of them finally took it down -literally- and got the demon out of me.

Now I can't stop thinking about it. The possession, the new information and it's driving me crazy. I got a call from another hunter, Rachel, telling me she thinks there's a djinn a few cities away from where she's working on a poltergeist. I told her I'd take care of it, and that's where I'm driving to now.

I drive with the window down, letting the rainy air blow at my hair. Fleetwood Mac plays on the radio and keeps me calm as I near the Oregon town.

"Thunder only happens when it's raining, players only love you when they're playing!" I sing and tap on the steering wheel. I reach the town and as usual, find a decent motel to stay in for the rest of the job.

I check in and throw my bag on the bed. Rachel said that the djinn's last victim was a 19 year old girl named Taylor. She went missing a few days ago and was last seen walking a block away from an abandoned factory at night. Sounds just like the kind of place where a djinn would hang out.

Since it will be dark in about a half hour, I spend the time getting myself ready to go straight for it. I can just hope that I'm fast enough that the thing doesn't find me before I find him.

I get all of my silver knives out, a total of 4, and the lamb's blood. I dip each knife in the blood and let it dry on the metal. I put a knife in each strap on my thighs, one on my left arm and the last one to carry in my hand. I pour the lamb's blood out of the container it's in, and back into an old flask, so that if I need to I can pull it out quickly and pour some on a blade again.

I lock the motel room and make my way to the car, the sun just starting to go down. The engine of my new ride--a 1996 tahoe--roars to life and I make my way to the factory.

I walk in through a back door and ready myself--flashlight in one hand and knife in the other. The places looks like it closed at least 15 to 20 years ago. Perfect place for a djinn. I decide to go up and work my way down to search the place for the victims and the monster.

There are three levels and the very top looks like it's all clear. I try to move down the grate steps as quietly as possible, which is hard since they're so old and creaky. When I reach a landing in the steps I pause to listen for anything before continuing. There's nothing and I keep going down. The steps seem louder now than they were before; I stop again to listen. A similar noise stops right after I do.

I grip my knife tighter and lift my chin to listen harder. There's creaking coming from below.

I dim the flashlight and keep going.

"Hello." I get to the bottom of the metal steps and there's a guy standing there, leaning against the wall.

"Who are you?" I ask, keeping my distance.

"You took my line," He smiles, but I just scrunch my brows towards him, "I'm Adrian."

He walks over and reaches his hand out to mine, "Grayson," I say and shake his hand.

"So Grayson, I think were hunting the same Djinn," He says holding on to my hand a little too long. I realize this and pull away.

"Looks like it. You can leave, I've got this."

"Whoa, don't be ridiculous. I came here to kill this thing, and that's what I'm going to do, whether you want me to or not."

"I guess we'll just have to see about that since that's exactly what I was planning on doing," I say and raise my brows with a smirk.

"Fine, I don't mind working with beautiful women. Is upstairs clear?"

"Yes, and for the record, you should be grateful of working with me for my skills--which I'm sure you'll need--not my looks," I say.

"I'm thankful for both," He says playfully and winks. I don't know how to respond, so I just lift my flashlight and continue walking around.

He follows behind me, guarding my back. "So Grayson, how come I've never met you until now?"

I swiftly turn the corner, "Because I prefer to fly under the radar-- even the hunter radar."

"There's no way someone can be a hunter and not come across others," He counters.

"I'm not saying I've never met other hunters. I know a lot actually, I just work by myself most of the time...the way I like it." I turn to him as I say the last part, and he smiles, "What? Why are you so smiley?"

"The way you like it huh?"

"Yes."

"I bet I can change that."

"Based on how this is going, I'd be willing to bet all my money against that," I reply, and turn forward again. I kick open a thick door and lower my knife. The missing girls are strung up against the wall.

Adrian goes past me to free one of the girls while I free another. "You watch the door, I get them all down," He says and I pull out another knife, ready to throw.

"Where the hell is this thing?" I think out loud.

"Maybe out getting another girl," Adrian suggests.

"I'm going to look for him some more, I'll be back in a few." I say and leave the room.

I look at all the rooms and places we didn't check on the main level. All empty. I'm guessing that I'm across the building from where Adrian and the victims are, so I speed walk back. There's a high pitched scream and I break into a sprint. I burst through the now shut heavy door again, and find the djinn and Adrian face to face, with all the girls in a corner behind Adrian.

The djinn looks around to see me, and in an instant, let my knife fly. When it hits the target--his heart-- he stops and falls to his knees while pulling the knife out slowly.

"Where have you been all my life?" Adrian asks, while I stare at the dying djinn. I turn to him and give a light smile.

"Lets go," I say and help up one of the younger girls, who looks no older than 17.

Adrian and I drop the girls off at the hospital and leave them before getting asked questions. We walk back to our cars together in silence.

"Wanna go out?" He asks out of the blue.

"I'm not really in the mood," I reply, "But would you want to join me for some movies on a disgusting motel couch?"

"I would love that," He plays along.

He follows me to my motel and I turn on the TV.

The next morning he is passed out on the couch and I'm still in my clothes from yesterday. The TV is still on, and its showing the local news. Its about the girls we found, and I smile. The first time in a while that a hunt went that smooth. The news switches to something else, and there's a picture of a newly missing girl; she fits the same profile of the girls the djinn was taking. But how is that possible? I killed him myself.

I go to the couch and shake Adrian awake.

"What!? What is it?!" He says as he leaps out of his sleep.

I laugh at this and point to the TV, "Another girl is missing, and she is exactly the kind of girl the djinn was taking."

"What? I saw you kill it, that knife went straight to his heart-- nice aim by the way."

"Maybe there was more than one, I mean there were a lot of girls there. All the djinns I've hunted only had at most 3 victims at a time," I say, crossing my arms.

"And there were 7 back there. Almost double. You think were dealing with double trouble?"

"That's exactly what I think."

I take Adrian to his motel so he can change and get his truck and arsenal. Its windy outside and it blows at his hair as he goes through the arsenal in the trucks bed. It must've been too dark last night to notice that his hair is almost perfectly golden, and his skin almost matches, just a shade darker.

"If you can throw knives consistently, then I probably don't need these, " he says and shuts the bed.

"What do you mean 'if?'' I ask, slimming my eyes to stare at him, "Knife throwing is one of the things I'm best at. And I'm the best of the best at it."

"That's a little cocky don't ya think?" He asks, playfully.

"I wish I was joking, but no. Wanna know something ridiculous?"

"Of course," He says and we both get in my car.

"When I was about 16, my grandfather entered me in a knife throwing competition. I won, and long story short I moved on to the olympic level. We stopped after that because he didn't want to draw too much attention to us."

"Wow that uh-- that's intense. Your grandpa must've been really-"

"Crazy? He was, but he was a damn good hunter," I say.

"Any chance I've heard of him?" Adrian asks.

"His name was Daniel Elkins, I think a lot of people just called him Elkins though," I explain.

"Yeah! I've heard of him, That must've been why I thought your name was so familiar!"

"What why?"

"Almost every hunter has heard of old man Elkins, and everyone knew he had a granddaughter he raised--" He stops and looks at me sort of sadly, "I heard you had it pretty hard actually."

"Please don't look at me like that," I say, starting to get mad, "Don't feel bad for me, if he hadn't raised me that way, I wouldn't be who I am today."

"I know I just...heard stories my dad would talk about with his friends."

"What did you hear?" I ask, genuinely curious.

"That he made you go on hunts of stuff you were scared of as punishment, having to go through ridiculous set ups and things I can't imagine," He says, getting quieter until he stops.

"Yeah. But like I said, I wouldn't be who I am now if that never happened, and I might not have liked it, but I'm thankful in a way."

"You're amazing," He says and I'm taken aback, why would he say that? "I'm not trying to be creepy or anything...Just that you came out of all that the way you did. Its great."

"Thanks. We should get going," I say awkwardly and finally start the engine.

We decide to sit in the car and watch the factory for anything, sort of like cops on a stakeout or something. I play with my knife and Adrian keeps flashing his light on and off again.

"Maybe if you do that a few more times, the djinn will come to us," I say sarcastically.

"Sorry, its a habit."

"What kind of habit is that?"

"Its like clicking a pen, just something to do when there's nothing else," He explains.

"I'm starting to think that you're a little weird," I say

"And I'm starting to think that you are my soulmate."

"Alright, are you drunk?" I laugh, "Because if you are I don't want you on this hunt."

"Why do I have to be drunk to be attracted to you?" He asks seriously now.

"I guess you don't..." I trail off.

"Good, because based on our 23 hours together, you are the most beautiful, kick ass and funniest woman I've ever met," He says. I don't know how to respond. Literally at a loss for words. I know guys will say anything to get in your pants but I feel like he actually means it.

"Grayson?" He asks and I shake my head to bring myself back to reality.

"Yeah?"

"I think I like you."

"I think so too. I mean that I like you."

"Cool."

"Is that it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You just wanted to talk about it?"

"Well were kind of doing something important right now, don't you think?" he asks.

"Yeah, yeah you're right," I say and focus back onto watching the building.

An agonizingly awkward 20 minutes pass with no djinn activity.

"If there's no djinn within the next 5 seconds, I'm going to die of boredom," I say.

"Me too," Jack agrees, "I would make a suggestion but..."

"But what?"

"Nothing."

"Seriously? Are we in high school? Tell me," I demand.

"Well I mean if we're that bored--not that I have to be bored to want to--"

"Are you trying to have sex with me right now?" I ask, with a smile on my face.

"No. Not at all," he replies, holding back a grin.

"You know what--" I start saying, but then I see a light out of the corner of my eye. On one of the upper levels of the warehouse, someone turned on a light, "Look!"

I point towards the light and Adrian immediately sees it and opens his door to get out. We arm ourselves and head for the warehouse.

The whole place is dark, except for that light that we saw from outside. I lead the way through with Adrian guarding my back. We go up the stairs until we reach the level the lighted room is on. I look down the wide corridor and find the closed door that has light reaching out from underneath it. I nod at Adrian towards the door and he gets the message. He goes ahead of me and kicks the door open. He swiftly goes in and immediately is attacked by the other djinn.

The djinn must've used the light as bait to catch us, but I don't think he anticipated there to be two of us. I jump onto the djinns back to get it off of Adrian. I keep the djinn in a choke hold with both arms as hard as I can, while I keep my legs wrapped around his torso, waiting for Adrian to make his move. I position it's head so that Adrian can take his knife dipped in lamb's blood on drive it into the djinns head. I get off of it as its body drops limp beneath me.

"Damn. We make a good team," Adrian says, offering me a high five. I smack his five with mine as we stare down at the djinn to make sure he's really dead.

We walk side by side out of the hospital after officially finishing the job, both of us exhilarated after how successful both nights went.

"I swear, I think you are my soulmate," Adrian says as we get back in my car.

"I think you're just excited after what just happened," I laugh and put the key in the ignition.

"No," he says and puts his hand over mine as I hold the keys, "even if I wasn't stoked over how well we took out those djinns, I would still think that."

"Dude, I know you're just trying to get in my pants, I'm not really into the whole 'fuck it and chuck it' thing, not much of a one night stand kinda girl," I explain.

"I'm not into that either, but the way you--" he starts, but I stop him by pressing my lips to his. He is surprised at first but then goes with it.

I break away to catch my breath.

"I thought you weren't into this kind of thing?" he asks, confused, but still happy.

"I'm not, but maybe you could change my mind...or maybe it won't be one of those things," I explain and kiss him again.

My hands reach down to his waist, and I put my them under his shirt and run them up his torso. I feel slowly, taking in everything, from his hipbones to his collarbones. He grabs my forearms and stops me, I break off the kiss.

"Whats the matter?" I ask, breathing a little heavier than I was moments ago.

"Maybe we should go back to the motel?" he suggests and I agree, starting the car quickly and driving off.

I park the car and take the keys out and we both rush out of our seats and out into the cold night air. He takes my hand and guides me back to my motel room. He takes the keys from me and unlocks the door himself. He tosses the keys inside and turns to me. Before I can even react, he squats down and wraps his arms around my thighs, right under my butt and lifts me up as he stands again. I wrap my arms behind his neck and bend my head down to kiss him as he shuts the door with a swift kick.

Adrian carries me to the bed and tosses me onto it. I bite my lip watching him stand at the edge of the bed as he takes off his shirt. Within seconds, his body is hovering over mine, his elbows at either side of my head. I put my hands on his cheeks and draw him in for a kiss. He breaks away to start kissing my cheeks, my chin and down my neck.

"Care if I get rid of this?" he asks when he reaches the collar of my shirt.

"Go for it," I answer and lift my arms up. He gently slide the shirt over my head and for a moment won't stop looking at what's now exposed. He dives to my stomach and starts planting kisses there, while his hands hold my waist.

In this moment, I feel loved--or at least really liked. That's something I haven't felt in a long time. My life has been a series of fucked up events and very rarely do I have a moment like this--with a person like this--where I feel at peace and safe, oddly enough. I'm surprised myself, since I'm feeling this way as a stranger is kissing me.

"Grayson," Adrian says, his voice calling me back to the moment and out of my head. I snap out of it and realize he was saying my name out of desperation. I take control of the situation and within minutes, all of our clothes are on the floor and I'm looking down at him, his head resting on one of the pillows. I look into his eyes, he looks back, not breaking our intense eye contact.

I bite my lip and take a deep breath then kiss him. I kiss him with everything I have, because I don't have anything left. I want to feel something and that's exactly what he's giving me and we haven't done anything but kissed so far.

"I want you..." I breath into his ear after ending the kiss and trailing my lips across his cheek.

"Have me then," he replies.

The next morning, we go out to a local diner to get some breakfast. On the TV they are still covering the djinn story, or the abduction story since they have no idea about the djinns.

I crave a burger despite it being 10am, while Adrian gets some pancakes.

"So last night," he starts, "we did really good together."

"Are you talking about the djinns or...?"

"Well, I meant the djinns but everything about last night was great," he replies as he cuts his pancakes.

"Look, I'm going to be honest with you--"

"You don't want anything to come from this?" he guesses, and his facial expressions reveal that he'd be a little disappointed if it's true.

"No, the opposite actually," I say and he almost chokes on the piece of pancake he just put in his mouth.

"You're saying?"

"That I really like you. I've been through so much and I've never felt so...content as when I was with you. I want to, ugh, I don't know what I'm saying." Adrian grabs my hand from across the table and looks into my eyes.

"I feel the same way. I mean not exactly, but, I don't want this--whatever it is-- to be over," he explains. I feel something in my chest and my eyes get warm with water.

"So you want to..." I say, but can't think of how to finish the sentence.

"I know we just met, but I feel something here. And I know it sounds really, really cliche. But the hunting life has never been for me. How many hunter have you heard of getting together and actually being happy? I can't think of any."

"My parents," I blurt out without thinking.

"Oh, well cool. So can I take you out on a date sometime? I mean not now obviously, because we are hunters after all, but we can set out a day and--"

"Yes, I'd love that," I say a little more excitedly than intended, revealing how happy I am in the moment.

"Great, so you can pick the date and time and I'll take you somewhere."

"How about two weeks from now?"

"Alright. It's a date. January 31st, on a Wednesday." He says and smiles, "Should we set somewhere to go?"

"You can come to my house, I'll text you the address."

"Great," he says and we just smile at each other.

Hours later, I'm driving on the freeway back to Manning. I can still feel butterflies in my stomach and try to stop it because it makes me feel like an idiot, but then again I don't want to stop it because I like it so much. Maybe I can actually have someone in my life, someone to be there all the time. I have been so alone for so long, at this point I crave human interaction but find myself rejecting it at the same time. This time is different though, I won't let myself screw it up. If that demon Mindy has her way, I'm going to die soon, and I might as well die happy.

But then again, I'm not going to let her take anything away from me. I'm going to fight for this because I can see my life going somewhere. Romance is so weird in that way, giving me hope and motivation. But it's not just that, I am too damn stubborn to let some demon kill me.

Thanks for reading! I hope that if you read this that you liked it even if Sam and Dean weren’t in it:) 

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