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fwkei · 3 years

Text

Remember...?

Draken x fem!reader (mainly fluff slight angst)

Finally got my first request yall 🥳 I couldn’t strictly follow the request like i wanted to but i hope thats alright, the gist is still there. anyways thank you sm for it and i hope you enjoy

TW/CW: Mentions of sex, mentions of alcohol, mentions of sex work

WC: 7k (omg the most ive ever written🙆🏻‍♀️)

Note: I changed my writing style a bit for this request so i hope yall don’t mind! and again i dont read my stuff over so my apologies if theres any mistakes lmao

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You sat on the street, overheating as you watched the ‘heat waves’ coming off the ground. You held your hair up with one of your hands since you had nothing to tie it with, while the other held a lukewarm water bottle. You sighed, you felt so anxious and frustrated.

What now?

You thought letting your mouth part due to your heavy breathing

You took things too fast. It had been about 3 weeks since you left your parents ‘home’ and why did you leave? Well there were a number of reasons that are a bit too much to list, but all that matters now is that you’re completely and utterly on your own.

You only managed to scavenge small jobs here and there to get some money to buy some basic necessities but nothing more.

“Sorry Y/n, my niece is coming down to Tokyo and I told her she could have a job here and stay at the studio above...I’m gonna have to let go. I’m sorry.” said your boss to you only a couple hours ago, with pity filled eyes

“...No it’s fine really! I understand.Thank you for taking me in while you could.” you said bowing your head at the man, biting your inner cheek trying to keep a level head

“I’m happy you understand. You can leave your apron and hat on the cashier. On your way out.” he said patting your shoulder as you slowly brought your head up

“Right..” you said taking off your apron and hat as you walked slowly to the cashier, placing it down

You brought your hands to your temples out of stress, trying to figure out what you could do now. You only had very little money, and there was a heat wave striking Japan this week. At least your boss allowed you to live and pay rent in the small studio right above his store, which had an AC, but now that was for his niece.

This had been the first time in a while where you had no idea what to do. You had always been the type of person to be able to take care of yourself and your problems..on your own. All your life since you can remember, you always had to be the one to take care of others, not that you mind or minded...but you were only so young. You never really had a childhood, at least not that you can remember. You do remember cleaning up after your parents who lost all will just to even... parent. You remember taking jobs as a babysitter at a really young age in your apartment complex to make some money.. You remember being the reliable older kid of your school and complex, where kids would come to you asking for help with things like homework all the way to buying something for them to eat because they were hungry. Not once did you ever say no, because you really did want to be there for those kids who’s parents didn’t give them the care they needed. But it just became too much.. You ended up spending all of your saved up money on them, just so they could have something to play with or something to eat.

Before you even realized it, you were in your last year of high school, with no money saved over, no scholarships, no one to rely on but yourself. Not even a friend. Was it really the right thing to do? Use all your money that you worked so hard for to help kids he lived next door? Or just plain stupid? You knew you couldn't support them forever...but you tried so hard to. All you wanted was to give them a childhood they never had, and someone to look up too. But now you left them. All because you were frustrated. You felt so unbearably guilty. All the work you put into your studies to get at least some type of scholarship just went to waste because you couldn't handle your life anymore. You were being so so so stupid.

Before you even knew it, the sun was going down, and you grew even more tired and sleepy. You signed, taking a jacket out of your bag and placing it on the ground so you could rest your head on it. You brought your hands to cushion your cheek as your eyes started to close. The air finally got a little cooler making it easier to breathe and well...do anything.

As you were falling asleep you could hear chatter and laughing, and finally a tap on your shoulder waking you up. You cringed your eyes before opening them up more to see 2 women. One had blonde hair and the other had pinkish hair. They looked older than you, maybe in their 20’s. One held a bag and the other held a bottle of wine with two glasses, they bent down so their heads could be closer to yours. After examining you for a bit they turned to each other and smiled happily before turning back their gaze to your confused face.

“Hey?” you said sitting up more, a little startled by the intimate contact they were giving you

“Hey there, say...what’s a pretty girl like you sleeping on the street for?” asked the girl with pinkish hair that was tied into pigtails

“I uh..don’t have a place right now so..” you said scratching your head

“Really? Hmmm.” said he one with blonde hair

“How old are you? And what’s your name? I think we can help you out! Woman to woman!” said the pink haired girl smiling sweetly making you feel fuzzy at their niceness

“18, and it’s Y/n.” you said smiling nervously

“Nice to meet you Y/n, I’m Remi, this is Rema, my twin sister.” said the pink haired girl pointing to the blonde as she waved sweetly

“Hi, it’s nice to meet you too..!” you said bringing your hands to your thighs smiling

“So did you just turn 18?” asked Rema

“Sorta, 2 months ago, why?” you asked

“Oh good!” they both said

“Well, it’s your choice really. One of the girls left today, and the boss sent us to scout another girl to take her place, buttt we just went to buy food with no intentions of finding someone but luckily we just found you! It’s perfect!” said Remi

“Oh? What work?” you asked getting excited

“Oh silly, we live in a brothel! It’s really not all that bad you know, great pay and rooms...so what do you think?” asked Rema

“A brothel..” you said under your breath

Your mind was in a serious state of concentration.

It can’t be all that bad, right? You just have to please people and go on with your day so… that’s what i've been doing my whole life… plus… there's a bunch of women in those things right? I probably won't get too much attention from customers if there's sweethearts like Remi and Rema walking around...so...just for the time being… I think it could really work out in my favor.

You thought to yourself

You brought your head up, giving the girls a closed eyes smile before shaking your head ‘yes’ making them jump in excitement.

“Oh good!” yelled Remi grabbing your hands

“I’m so excited! We haven't had a new girl in years! How do you think Ken will react?” asked Rema smiling as you 3 all started to walk

“Ken?” you asked furrowing your eyebrows at the familiar name

“Oh right, We’ll have to introduce you to him and everyone else tomorrow. He’s the bosses foster kid..I think you two are actually the same age.” said Rema bringing her pointer finger to her chin

“Mhm mhm! Oh and since you're new, tomorrow I will take your pictures for the board, you can borrow one of my sets till you can afford to buy one for yourself, how does that sound Y/n?” asked Remi smiling and holding your hand

“It sounds..great! Thank you so much.” you said bowing your head slightly

“No worries! Hopefully the boss will take you in.” said Remi patting your head

“Yeah..” you said as you 3 continued to walk to the brothel

You couldn't seem to get your mind off of that familiar name..Ken? You swore you knew someone named that. It definitely wasn't a popular name so it’s not like you knew it from some type of T.V program.. After thinking hard your whole way to your new home you couldn't seem to remember them. The person named Ken. And so you decided to brush it off for the time being.

The brothel was pretty big, and consisted of 12 girls, not including yourself. It was really late so everyone was asleep. Remi and Rema showed you to your room which was much more spacious than your room at home. They told you that you were allowed to decorate it and style it however you wanted. But they told you it was important to know that this was the room where business would be done, and not to leave important things around since some of the men came into brothels for the sole purpose of stealing. Remi even told you a story about how one of her clients tried to steal one of her panites, but then the boy named Ken stopped him by knocking him out with one punch to the stomach.

“He sounds strong-” you laughed as they gave you a small tour

“He sure is! Like the bodyguard of this place! He’s a sweetheart!” said Remi smiling

“I’m sure..!” you smiled

“Alright that’s about it, you should shower now and get ready for tomorrow. The boss will probably wanna take a look at you before seeing if he wants you. But I'm sure he will! You're pretty so it’ll go smoothly!” said Remi handing you her shower stuff for you to use for tonight and a set

“Got it, and again...thank you so much. I really appreciate it.” you said again

“Of course! Remember..we’re neighbors so feel free to knock whenever you need something..Also I can give you some tips before your first client so you know what to do.” she said smiling

“Right, goodnight then!..” you said feeling your face get hot at how she so easily talked about sex.

After that, you did exactly as she said, you showered. You thoroughly washed your body, face, and hair. Getting out you looked down at the set Remi gave you. It was just a black bra and matching panties with a silk cover up which made you feel better knowing you could cover up with that.

You rubbed your mouth as you started to rethink your decision. I mean...you respected sex workers..but was this life what you were willing to settle for? Aimlessly waiting around for some random horny man to choose you and do things with you just for you to get only 40% of the payment? Was this all really worth it? Leaving home to avoid your problems...to end up here? You were grateful, yes, Remi and Rema were so sweet and open with you. You could only hope that the others were just as nice. You really wanted things to go well, and that can only start with some good rest.

You woke up to a knock on your door, to see Remi and Rema walking in with a smile

“Morninggg!” they sang as you quickly got out of bed

“Hi!” you said frantically

“No need to rush! Usually men start coming in at 10, but since you don't work here officially yet you got to sleep in a bit! But the boss called for you, you should go to the set up room down the hall to get ready, remember it?” asked Rema

“Yeah I do. Thank you for waking me-!” you said smiling and grabbing your stuff and shoes

“Course, good luck Y/n!” they said as you quickly walked out of your room to get ready

As you walked in, there were a few other girls getting ready. You smiled and introduced yourself to them, and them to you. They were all so nice and pretty. It made you feel a little bit better about being here, and less nervous since they complimented your looks. You got ready in about 10 minutes, letting one of the other girls help you out with your hair and stuff like that. You gave yourself one last look in the mirror before stepping out and waving to the girls ‘bye.’

You nervously walked to the boss's door. You took a deep breath before knocking. You heard a muffled ‘come in!’ so you walked in smiling while holding your covering close. You gave a nervous closed eyes smile before seeing his office was simple, just a desk with a bunch of papers and a chair on the other side.

“Y/n, correct?” he asked placing down his paper and taking off his glasses to look at you

“Yes.” you said smiling

“Pleasure-” he said leaning over the desk to shake your hand

“Likewise.” you said smiling, shaking his hand firmly before sitting down

“Well, I’m sure Remi and Rema told you just about everything you need to know, I take 60% of your earrings, I use that stuff to pay for rent and bills for you girls and my kid… which usually takes up about 30% of that 60%, meaning you make a profit of 40, while I make only a profit of 30 per girl.” he said

“Yeah, I was told.” you said smiling nervously fiddling with your hands

“Good good, now that that's over with..” he said getting up ad signing

“I’m just gonna take a look at you, no need to be nervous I’m not gonna touch you or anything, so please don’t feel worried.” he said smiling

“Right!” you said getting up

“Alright just do a quick 360 with arms up.” he said smiling

“Okay.” you said doing as he said

He looked you up and down but not in a lustful way at all, it was more of like a ‘just seeing how you’ll hold up’ kinda look, almost like he was a bit worried for you.

“Thank you-” he said sitting back down as you did the same feeling nervous

“I was also told you’re 18? Right?” he asked looking down at his papers

“Yeah that's right.” you said

“Well I don't usually have this talk with the other woman because they're older. I know the age of consent in Japan is 16 and blah blah, but you’re still pretty young, are you sure you wanna work like this?” he asked looked into your eyes

“...Not entirely but it’s the best I can do right now.” you said with a determined face

“I see- we’ll then welcome, and just remember you can leave whenever you want, but give a 2 weeks notice. When Remi is done, ask her to take your picture.” he said

“Understood, thank you!” you said said smiling and leaving

You walked out of the room, closing the door carefully signing in relieve

That went pretty well.

You thought

You started to walk down the hall so that you could ask Remi to take your picture. But when you put your ear to the door, you heard lewd noises letting you know she wasn’t done just yet. It was already 5, and the brothel closes at 10. You didn’t really know what to do, so you walked over to the kitchen, sitting down at one of the stools waiting for Remi and or Rema to finish up with their work. You tapped the pen that was on the table and started to look around the kitchen. You remembered Remi told you there were snacks in the cabinets, so you got up and started to open and close them one by one to find something to eat. You finally found a cabinet filled instant ramen, you grabbed one and started to pour water into it, popping it into the microwave that was on the counter top. You stood in front of it waiting, playing with the loose strings of you covering when suddenly you heard the door open.

“I’m home.” said the tall boy with dark hair tied back to reveal a dragon tattoo on the side of his head

Is this Ken?

You thought as the microwave beeped, making his eyes turn to you

You quickly shot your eyes to the microwave, hoping he didn’t notice your stare. He looked so familiar it was almost irritating how you couldn’t remember him. You took the hot cup out of the microwave, placing it down on the counter top, ignoring his presence as he walked over, placing down the plastic bag in his hand, noticing your frustrated face trying to figure out where the utensils are.

“Left of the sink are where they are.” he said sitting down on the stool across from you after looking at your face a bit

“Thank you.” you said smiling nervously turning around to grab a pair of chopsticks

“Are you new here?” he asked taking out a styrofoam box from the plastic bag, opening it to reveal a hot meal of meat and rice and vegetables

“Yeah..I was supposed to start today but I don’t have my pictures taken yet.” you said smiling turning back to mix your noodles

“Could you grab me a pair too?” he asked realizing he forgot to take a pair of chopsticks from the restaurant

“Sure-” you said turning back quickly to grab some for him, placing it in his hands as he gave you a soft smile making your eyes widen slightly.

“You look familiar..” you both said at the same time making both your eyebrows raise in shock then turn into a slight scoff from the both of you

“Glad we’re on the same page then.” he said taking a bite of his food as you did the same still standing

“You know you can sit down, don’t feel nervous.” he said looking up you slightly

“..yeah.” you said smiling, walking around and sitting next to him.

“So when’d you come?” he asked turning his head slightly to see your mouth filled with noodles making him smile a bit

“..I came by last night, really late with Remi and Rema.” you said after finishing your bite

“I see...I feel like I remember you from somewhere, can’t pinpoint it though.” he said looking back down at his food

“Same here, and you must be Ken though, right? When I first heard your name I swore the same thing but I just can’t remember..” you said before sipping some of the broth of your soup

“Yeah, but you can call me Draken and your name?” he asked getting up to grab a napkin from across the table

“Draken...sure! Oh right, my bad. It’s Y/n. Nice to meet you-” you said smiling holding your hand out for him to shake

He only completely shot up to look into your eyes with his wide ones. You gave him a confused look as you watched him get knocked out of his thoughts, bring his hand up to shake your hand before clearing his throat and walking back over to sit. Maybe you struck a nerve? Maybe had the same name as someone who hurt him in the past? You really didn’t know but it made you feel interested. He looked like he just had his life flash before his eyes or something.

“Are you okay?” you asked

“Uh yeah, I’m fine. My head just hurts a bit.” he said looking as if he was deep in thought

“Oh? I have some tylenol in my room.. You want one? Or I can make you a cold drink, you’re probably dehydrated?” you asked smiling a bit

Draken turned his head to look at you, his mouth was parted, and he just looked so..anxious? You couldn’t even tell, almost like congested because he wanted to say something.

Draken felt his heartbeat quicken when he heard your name. As soon as you said it, a random memory that was buried deep in the back of his mind hit him as he quickly re-lived it. But could it really be you? The Y/n he knew from so so so long ago? Around 10 years ago? There could be no way, he remembers the girl moving to a different city..the chances were so low that it could really be you already.

But the second you said those words.. Those words of offering to make something for him, or give him something, despite you thinking you only just met him...Made him know that it was really the Y/n he met when he was only a little boy...but how the hell did you turn up here? In a place and part of town like this? He was so confused and just wanted to ask you...but you still didn’t remember him.

“..No I’m alright, thanks..can I ask you somethin-” said Draken before being interrupted

“Y/n!! Come on, let's take your pictures!” yelled Remi coming out of her room waving as a man walked out too buttoning his shirt

“Sorry, just remember what you wanted to say and tell me later.” you said smiling and standing up and walking over to Remi

Draken watched you as you walked away. He saw Remi give you a hug, and the man that was walking out checked you out to which Draken gave him a pissed off look. Making the man smile nervously, wave, and leave.

Do you really wanna live your life like this, Y/n?

He thought to himself before packing up his trash and throwing it away

Remi took your pictures, telling you to do different poses etc, and you finally settled on one. You walked over to the front of the house to place your picture in its designated area above your name. You signed, stepping back to look at it, fixing your gaze to see Draken was walking over with his hands in his pocket, looking as he was going to leave. You saw him glance at the photo making you feel slightly embarrassed.

“Nice.” he said smiling but looking into your eyes in a way where it looked like he was concerned for you.

Just as you were about to thank him a man walked in and started looking at you making you feel nervous. The man requested you, and so you smiled at him pointing your hand to where the showers were, as you started to walk behind him, you turned your hand giving a thumbs up to Draken with a nervously flushed face, smiling, as he he brought his hand up giving you a thumbs up with soft and concerning eyes before opening the door and leaving. It made your smile fade slightly, you’ve seen that face before from him. But not from today.. And it was all you could think about during your work.

As you laid in your room, after work you couldn’t help but feel a little bit...stupid? You felt so unsatisfied, not because of your customers but because you just couldn’t remember. It felt like an itch you couldn’t scratch hard enough, and with every interaction you had with the boy almost felt like a tease, like the itch just became more itchy and your scratches just became more weak. Maybe if you spend more time with him, you’ll remember?

It had been about 4 weeks, 4 weeks of saving your money, and every 4 weeks the boss collected his fair share of the cut. It wasn’t a pretty 4 weeks, it was probably the worst 4 weeks of your life. But... you and Draken would often exchange stories about your lives late at night which you enjoyed a lot. It always makes you feel better. But yet again you still couldn't figure him out. You felt as though you’ve met him before, and as though you two have had these kinds of talks before.

Draken only grew more and more helpless, seeing how you still haven’t remembered. He was slowly watching your life crumble. He felt so angry that you settled and believed you deserved to live like this, barely scraping by. He felt so awful, and saw how you grew so tired of it all. He just so badly wanted you to remember him, so that he could once again talk to you like he did before.

You had one last customer before closing, going through your usual routine, this n that, the man offered you a drink. You stupid obliged drinking it, hoping it would make your time more enjoyable but you were wrong, so very wrong, and so very stupid for drinking that stupid drink. You remember some parts, you did your job, then it all went black.. You woke up after hearing knocking on your door. You jumped out of bed, confused. You remember seeing the man leave as you started to fall asleep but that's about it. Usually you never fall asleep after the work because you never do much, your mind started to panic. But the door opened revealing Remi smiling.

“Hey sleepy! Boss says it’s your turn, come on, get your cash!” she said smiling

“Right let me just..it’s in my drawer..I don't know why I fell asleep so fast I think alcohol makes me sleepy.” you said getting out of bed and kneeling in front of your drawer to get the envelope of cash you had been saving.

“Heh, same here. I never accepted drinks from clients..they never had good intentions with that!” she said coming over and sitting at your bed

“..yeah.” you said starting to feel that panic arise in your body when seeing the envelope was...gone.

“What's wrong?” asked Remi noticing you were frozen

“I- the money..It’s gone..he took it..” you said with wide eyes feeling as though you were about to sob realizing you had just lost thousands of yen.

“Don’t say that..it..it probably just got misplaced! Come on, I'll help you look!” said Remi getting up

You couldn't even respond because of the amount of panic you were in. Your heart was racing and you felt tears fall from your eyes. After about 15 minutes of looking, you two found nothing. Absolutely nothing. You sat on the floor with your hand over your mouth, again, trying to keep a level head.

What now..?

You thought to yourself feeling hot tears stream from your face.

“Hey..guys? Boss is calling for you Y/n..what’s going on?” asked Rema walking in seeing you covering your face, crying

“She was robbed by the guy who just left, he put something in her drink to knock her out while he looked around and took the money...she doesn’t have the money.” said Remi

Rema’s mouth parted in shock and pity.

How could you mess up something so easy? All you had to do was keep your money safe. But you even failed at that.

“You have to tell him, Y/n.” said Rema rubbing your back

“Yea..yeah, could you two just give me a second? I’ll be right out.” you said smiling while wiping your face

“Sure.” they said frowning and walking out

You fisted your hands, and grabbed your covers before screaming into them to muffle your sounds..

Okay..it was a couple of thousand yen...not too bad right? I can promise the money by tomorrow..I’ll pick up some sort of street job...yeah! That’s good. Everything is fine..it’s fine.

You thought to yourself before wiping your face on more time and slapping both sides of your cheeks to wake you up.

You got up and walked to the bosses door feeling the eyes of people on your back. You knocked on the door before opening it slowly, refusing to make eye contact as you went to stand in front of the man with your arms behind your back.

“Alrighttt, let’s see here, in the last four weeks you had a total of 37 customers, so you should have around 300,000 yen, correct?” he asked looking at his paper

“Yes.” you said still looking down

“Alright, just hand it to me so I can count and divide it, you can sit.” he said smiling holding his hand out

“I..I don-” you said before being interrupted by a knock

“Come in.” he said

“Hey sorry dad, Y/n left her money with me while she went out. Thought I should bring it to her. Remember, Y/n?” said Draken walking in with an envelop in his hand smiling as he came to stand next to you, as you nodded your head ‘yes’

“Oh, thank you Ken.” he said smiling and taking the envelop

Your mouth parted as you gave a confused look, Draken only smiled and gave you a thumbs up while his dad counted the money. You felt so guilty and shocked, and all you could do was just stand there, like an idiot.

“Here you are...120,000 back..” he said, patting the money on the table to make it flat, putting it back into the envelope and handing it to you

You hesitantly brought your hand to grab it, glancing over at Draken who gave you small smile

“Thank you-” you said to him seeing Draken was already opening the door to leave

You quickly followed after him as he walked into his room. Before entering his room he turned around and looked down at you

You felt your eyes soften as you felt as though you were about to cry again, you tilted your head and neck down biting the inside of your cheek to keep in your cry.

“I promise I’ll pay all of it back by tomorrow, all 300,000.” you said

“Do you ever give yourself a break?” he asked as you brought your head up to look at him seeing he looked almost irritated

“You didn’t even ask why I did it, you just immediately jumped to feeling guilty. And you don’t need to pay me back. Really.” he said bringing his hand to close to the door, but you stopped him by grabbing his wrist making his breath hitch

“Why?” you asked looking into his eyes

“You still don’t remember? Even after all this time we’ve spent together?” he asked smiling as you took your hand off his wrist

“Remember...?” you asked furrowing your eyebrows in confusion, but then it suddenly hit you

“I swear it wasn’t me! I didn't steal!” yelled a little boy with blonde hair as two cops stood in front of him

You tilted your head and walked closer, but still keeping your distance to hear. It was a winter day and you were on your way to the corner store to buy some snacks, but you were met with an interesting scene. You kept your hands in your pockets as you listened over to the boy screaming and pleading his innocence

“I wouldn’t steal something so stupid! What would a kid like me need a lighter for!! I don’t know how it ended up in my pocket! Lay off!” he yelled as the officer dangled the lighter in front of his face

A lighter?

“Keep it down! We know how troubled you kids are here! Especially with those tattoos!” yelled back the cop as the boy grew angry and fisted his hands, ready to punch the cop

“Hey!!!” he heard a voice yelled

“Hey wait a minute!” you yelled waving your hand smiling as you ran to the scene

“Can we help you?” asked one of the cops in a soft tone

The blonde boy grew quiet, and you saw his hands loosen as he looked at your smiling face

“Yeah, why are you two yelling at my brother?” you asked furrowing your brows at the two grown man

“...Your so-called brother stole a lighter from the corner store right behind you, where are your parents? We would like to have a word with them.” he said standing up straight

“Yeah, and talk about how they let their son tattoo himself already..” said one under his breath making the other laugh

You looked over at the boy growing angry, you gave him a smile..making him calm down.

“He said it was just an accident, I asked him to pick up a lighter from the store so that we could light a candle at our father’s grave! See!” you said digging into your bag to pull out a candle

“He probably felt pressured because I asked him to get it, so if you’re gonna get mad at someone, get mad at me!” you said as you started to fake cry

“It’s our father's death anniversary, and you're yelling at kids for making a mistake.” you faked cried

“Yeah!!” yelled the boy making you smile under your hands as the two officers became anxious, feeling bad for what they had just done.

“..we’re sorry. Please let us apologize.” they said slightly bowing at you two

“I don’t think we can accept it...you two also made fun of the dragon tattoo on his head!...dragons were our dads favorite animal. He risked his life fighting for Japan and you two are laughing at him! Is that how your mother taught you how to behave?” you asked pretending to wipe you tears as the blonde boy watched you in awe seeing you toy with grown men

“Please let us treat you both to whatever you’d like from the corner store as an apology!” they both said bowing lower making you smile and look back at the boy. You gave him a thumbs up as a smile grew on his face

“Fine..come on then?” you said as both the officers raised their heads, opening the doors of the corner store for you both

You and the blonde boy walked around the store, filling your baskets with all types of things. The blonde boy watched you in just pure awe as you walked around picking your favorite snacks, as he did the same, glancing at you every now and then.

“Here.” you said smiling at the cops

“Right!” they said frantically taking out their wallets as the boy placed down his stuff nervously, still watching you

“Oh and-” you said reaching your hand to grab the lighter from the officer and placing it into the bunch of snacks

You smiled, your hands were behind your back as you watched the officers pay for yours and the boys' food, placing them into bags for you guys too. You grabbed the lighter and your bag, as the boy did the same

“Mom told us to meet her at the cemetery steps, remember?” you said looking into the boys eyes

“..yeah, I remember.” he said smiling feeling his face become hot

“Let’s go then.” you said smiling and taking his hand as you two ran out of the store

After a bit you two stopped and sat on the curbside while you both chose a snack to eat.

“Here’s your lighter, you don’t have to stay with me by the way.” you said handing him the steel lighter

“..Thanks” he said

“Sure- what do you need it for anyway?” you asked smiling

“My boss asked for it.” he said putting it in his pocket

“Oh, are you in some type of delinquent group?” you asked looking at him

“Yeah..” he said smiling

“That's cool, what do you guys do?” you asked taking a sip of your drink

“We kinda just...like...do stupid stuff and fight..” he said

“Sounds fun, but...stupid.” you said laughing making him scoff

“Why’d you do it?” he asked

“Do what?” you asked back turning you gaze to him

“Come in to cover me. You could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble because of me.” he said with a frustrated face

“You’re right, I just wanted to, that's all.” you said smiling making his mouth part and cheeks redden

“You seem pretty fun too so I thought we could be friends or something..” you said nervously

“Yeah! Sure- We can be friends!” he said happily making you feel flustered

“Well then, it’s nice to meet you, my name is Y/n, yours?” you asked holding over your hand

“Ken, but you can call me Draken-” he said taking ahold of your hand gently as you gave him a closed eyed smile blushing

“where the hell did you find that candle and com up with that whole sob story Y/n?”

“Dunno, I saw the candle on the ground by a newspaper, I kinda just winged it- “

After that day you remember hanging out with Draken almost every other day. You remember him telling you how he and his close friends started their own gang and needed some sort of funding, and so you gave it to him, on his birthday.

“I saved up! You said that you and your friends needed some money to start off so that you guys could buy a flag or banner? Right? Well, here’s 30,000 yen for your birthday!” you said handing him an envelope and a small balloon.

“Are-are you serious right now Y/n?” he asked taking the gifts, opening the envelope to look inside to see the money as his eyes lit up

“Yeah, I babysit more kids now so I was able to put some aside for you.” you said smiling satisfied with his reaction

He didn’t even say anything, all he did was bring his arms around you upper body, hugging you tight making you laugh as you brought yours to hug him back

“Thank you- you’re the best! The guys will be so happy!” he said smiling while grasping your wrists in excitement. Your eyes traced over his face as they soften. You smiled.

“Likewise.”

And- after that, you remember the day you 2 separated as friends. You both sat on the curbside, you remembered you called him to come and see you. It was a winter night and the sun was going down.

“I uh..well I don’t really know how to say this without sounding cliche but-”

“What? Are you gonna confess that you’re madly in love with me or something?” he asked grinning, making you sweat drop

“Jeez be quiet...I’m trying to make this a memorable moment-” you signed smiling, placing your palms on the cold cement

“Alright let’s hear it then Y/n-!” he said bringing his hands to the back of his head as he laid down looking up at the stars

You only frowned slightly, you shifted your position so that you could sit beside him and have a good look at his face.

“You’re scaring me..” he said jokingly making you smile

“It was really fun the past year.” you said smiling as Draken shot his head up to look at you face to face

“The hell are you talking like that for?” he asked furrowing his brows

“My parents can’t afford living in any districts in Tokyo anymore, so we’re moving to another city… about 4 hours train ride from Tokyo so-” you said looking down at your hands on the floor

“So? You act like I won't be able to come and see you or you come and see me..” he said ducking his head a bit so that you could look at him

“Draken, train tickets are about 220 yen per person, I can't afford it, and if you came by to see me I'd feel guilty because you’d be wasting your money just to only see me for like an hour.” you said

“How can I be wasting my money on you? It’s not wasting if I wanna do it and see you, plus what makes you think it'll only be a couple hours?” he asked

“I’ll have to start working once we get there, so I wouldn’t have anytime...I wanna start saving so that one day I can come back to Tokyo and live here, so that I can see your dream come true of helping your friend create a ‘new era of delinquents’ you know? I’ll even help you guys if you want with financial stuff or something.” you said smiling at him

Draken bit the inside of his cheek. He wanted to tell you so bad how he felt but..

“Look, I have a feeling I know what you’re gonna say..just remember what you wanted to say and tell me later, okay?” you said placing your hand on top of his causing his eyes to widen

“...You’ll remember me, right?” he asked looking into your eyes deeply making your mouth part

“Yeah, I’ll remember you as long as you remember what you wanted to tell me. Cause I feel the same” you said smiling as a tear fell from your eyes

“good...I will.” he said smiling back and tilting his head and wiping it off your face

After the memories hit you, you stood there with wide eyes and tears, with your wrist covering your quivering mouth. You had completely suppressed your memories of Draken, and your feelings because you knew you wouldn't be able handle being apart from him for so long. And he did the same. You couldn’t imagine how unbearable it was for him to be waiting up like this. You looked up at him seeing his eyes were softly looking at you. You could do nothing but bring your arms around him hugging him, as he brought his arms around you to do the same. You were still such in shock.

“I never thought you’d end up in a place like this, living a life like this.” he said against your ear

“I don’t wanna see you like this, please let me take care of you like you did for me..” he said said tightening his grip slightly

You could only cry at his words, you didn’t even wanna try to speak because you knew it would only come out as a sob. Was it really alright for you to rely on someone so much?

He pulled back from the hug and looked at your face, seeing you were still crying as you nodded your head ‘yes’, he smiled and wiped them away with his thumb. The smile on his face...he looked so satisfied...and happy...happy that you finally remembered. Finally remembered him.

#tokyo revengers #tokyo revenger x reader #draken #draken x reader #fluff #angst #idk lmfao #toman #draken x y/n #tokyo rev

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yeehawren · 3 years

Text

Top Surgery Recovery

So I had top surgery on the 11th May and its now the 14th May. Recovery has been a bit harder than I initially thought it would be.

I am quite a sedentary person so sitting and laying down for long periods of time and keeping myself entertained is nothing new to me. Plus I also had a lot of things that I was worried about alleviated by my surgeon. For instance I did not have drains put in and I have waterproof plasters (which have been a godsend, my morning shower is the highlight of the day) So I didnt have to worry about not washing, potential infection risks, full chest plasters that become very itchy, skin rashes etc PLUS I opted for no nipples so I didnt have to worry about that (I want to be covered in tattoos anyway so it made no difference to me about having nips or not) I was already on a high protein diet before hand so I havent had to make any new food choices (I’m autistic so changes in food is a big anxiety inducer for me) I have been taking arnica + the food I eat is also high in fibre. Basically I thought I prepped for everything and tried to make this as smooth of a recovery as possible.

So yeah lol what I am trying to say is no matter how much you think you have prepared, you don’t know how shit is going to work on you.

Heres a little list of the things that I am struggling with.

Brain Fuzz. I had no idea how fuzzy my brain would be after surgery DAYS later. I find it really hard to focus on anything and as I am spending a lot of time sitting or laying down (except when I have to do my stretches and general pottering around) Its really easy for me to get frustrated and bored because my brain can’t focus. So I am really just sitting there day dreaming or dissociating.

The fucking BINDERS. As someone with sensory issues, I could never bind fully, it would instantly give me an anxiety attack to have that much pressure on my chest. I could just about tolerate sports bras so I was worried about having to wear them for 6 weeks constantly post op. But I just told myself its something that I have to do and its only temporary. I hate it.

Posture. Because of my binder my posture is terrible and I have so many knots in my back because of it.

Sleeping upright. I get sleep paralysis when I sleep on my back so theres also that I have to deal with for the next however many weeks until I can comfortable lay on my side. NOT FUN.

Pain. The pain isnt so bad, I have had my chest tattooed and I would say that its quite comparable to that. Just a little more bruise pain than burning CANT MOVE or my scabs will rip apart pain. It feels a lot more secure because of the type of bandages that I have. I have surprisingly good range of motion with my arms. But I would say bruise pain is more exhausting than that burning pain. plus the pain from my poor posture and sleeping upright. its just ahhh tolerable but frustrating.

Weird chest tingles. It feels like theres fizzy bubbles under my skin going up and down my chest. Its a very odd sensation that I wasn't prepared for.

How weird and bloated my belly looks. I cant look in the mirror yet without freaking out about my belly. It looks so swollen and out of proportion. So I can’t enjoy looking at my results yet without freaking out about that.

Peeing a lot and trying to get comfortable, that is really frustrating. Being super tired, not being able to get comfortable and then getting just comfortable enough to doze off, only to need to go for a pee because you were told to drink lots of water to help with recovery. Then starting that whole cycle again. Very frustrating.

Feelings. Its very easy to feel really low when you’re hurting. I don’t regret my surgery at all. I keep reminding myself how I felt about my body pre-op and how long I have wanted this, how I am gonna feel when I have my final results etc. But its very hard to feel great about it when you’re this low. I know I will feel differently when I feel more like myself but it is damn hard to keep positive. I’m feeling very sorry for myself that I have to put it through this much stress in order to be happy.

HELP. My mum is taking care of me, but... yeah its not great. The majority of things I do by myself. so far she has cooked me a couple of meals and helped me get undressed for my first shower. Everything else I have done myself. The first hour I was home I was left alone in the house with my bedroom door open and our large dog jumped onto my chest while I was asleep. No one was there to help me, and then later that night when I had literally just gotten my appetite back (I threw up so much post surgery) I asked for food and had to wait for ages for my mum to fill out one of our foster placements housing benefit forms for them ( something they could of done themselves and deffo something my mum could of gone back to after helping me out) And then when it came to the evening, they went to bed super early and really laid it on thick that she was exhausted so obviously I felt absolutely awful asking for help with my bedtime routine etc. So not only did I have to do everything for myself, I also had to sort the kids out and the pets out. So yeah Day 1 of recovery at home didnt exactly set me up to feeling safe and taken care of so I have felt the pressure of taking care of myself. Things since then havent been great either so thats another thing I am struggling with. I feel like an asshole complaining about it but we prepared for all of this and it feels like so may careless mistakes are being made, promises arent being kept and I dont want to be the asshole that calls it out. I am very vulnerable right now and I feel really let down. I don’t feel like a priority which I was assured I was before the surgery. Which also ties into my low mood and feelings.

So yeah, Long Post but I hope it can help prepare anyone else going for top surgery.

Things should only really get better from here, the first 3-5 days are suppose to be the worst so I am told so lets fucking hope because this sucks sooo much.

#top surgery #trans #non binary #enbies #enby #they/them

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vanchlo · 4 years

Text

The Assistant /Chapter Twenty-Six, “Old Faces”

Catch up on reading or start from the beginning HERE! :-)

Thanks for reading! c:

SNEAKY PEEK TIMEEEEEEEEE!!!

Something inside of my chest falls and for the first time in weeks, my thoughts are flooded with her. And I’m worrying about her, missing her, and wanting to hear her voice. I’m feeling all of the things and thoughts I’ve done such a great job at suppressing for the last few weeks.

Because before, only the alcohol could, but I couldn’t do that anymore. I knew she’d be disappointed. And once that thought wormed its way into my brain, I couldn’t entertain it for more than a minute. And so I dumped out the bottles and threw them in the bin.

Now, I feel myself fill with regret at that because once again I want to drown the feelings.

Because I’m hurting thinking about all of the hurt and pain she’s feeling.

“Awww, my little baby on her first day of school!”

“Oh, would you stop?” I groan in annoyance. But I can’t get rid of the smile pinching my cheeks.

“You’re looking like a lawyer already, Boops!” Skye comments as I stop in front of her at the island. She sets down her Winnie the Pooh mug and just smiles at me. It’s a rare occurrence. “And don’t you start saying that I can’t call you that. I’d say it’s rather fitting for a day like this.”

“Fine. Only today you can call me that old nickname that’s been dead for decades,” I reply before looking down at my outfit. “I’m not too overdressed, am I?”

“No, I think you look very nice. And you should dress to impress, they say.”

“Mmmmhmm,” I respond, flattening the patterned long-sleeve blouse I wear. Black jeggings cover my lower half.

“Are you excited?” Skye’s question hits me as I reach for a glass from the cupboard. I watch the golden orange juice splash into it.

“Yeah, I really am. I know I’ve already been down this road, but I feel so much more confident and excited this time around.”

“Well that says something,” she replies and I nod at her answer. The slice of bread sinks into the toaster as I set down the jar of jam with my other hand.

I grab a plate and scoop the rest of the scrambled eggs onto it that Skye left for me. “I’m dying a girl’s hair rainbow today, so there’s my big bang,” she comments enthusiastically with her sky-blue eyes twinkling. I smile at the excitement in her voice.

It finally looks like we’ve found our callings, I think to myself. A second later, I almost cringe at myself, but at the same time, I’m grateful for the happy thought.

“So most of your classes are online?”

“Yeah, but I have this one that I have to go on campus for. It’s one of the important ones,” I reply before a bite of scrambled eggs passes my lips.

Ding!

Dragging my phone across the counter, I look at my lit-up screen. A new text appears on my screen to join the others.

Asher:

Good luck on your 1st day back!!! Hoping everything goes well and you get nice teachers!!! Take deep breaths!!! Dont forget to tell me how it went :)

Sophie (Boss):

Wishing you a great first day back, Becky! We’re all so proud of you and we can’t wait to see the great things you do! Good luck!

Robbie:

Proud of u for going back Ree. Keep ur chin up. I cant wait 2 hear all about it. Excited 2 hang out with u and dad this weekend back home. Love u sis.

Daddy:

Happy 1st day of school 2 my big 25 year old! I hope ur 1st day back is gr8 Boops. Good luck! Take ur time & ask ?s. Call when u get home. I want 2 hear how it went. Love u! xoxo

A smile creases my cheeks as I read the words. I hear his familiar voice inside of my head, and warmth radiates through my chest. It makes me ache for one of his hugs and forehead kisses. I swipe right on my Dad’s text and click on the space to enter my own text.

Thanks so much, Dad! I’m really excited, but nervous. I feel like people might know I’m the dropout… But luckily I only have only one face-to-face class, and the rest are online. I hope that you are feeling better. Let me know if you need anything. I can’t wait to see you this weekend! Love you, Daddy! Xoxoxoxo

The lecture hall is smaller than I remember, and less run down. Hmmm, maybe my experience is actually going to help me to not be so afraid and intimidated, I think to myself. After walking up several stairs, I choose an empty table in the middle of the hall. Students mill around talking and checking online course content and Snapchat. Their chatter fills my ears as I set down my violet backpack and sit down. I place my laptop in front of me, along with a fresh notebook, my planner, and my little bag of pens and pencils. As I boot up my new laptop, the seats around me fill up. It’s not long before the professor takes a seat at the table at the front. His graying hair is tied into a short pony at the back of his head. The class quiets down at his arrival, but there aren’t many of us in the cohort. Around 50 or so.

Looking up behind his horn-rimmed glasses, a smile sparks behind his thick gray beard. “Oh, don’t mind me. We still have a couple of minutes until class starts, and I’m sure this bloody computer will take that and longer to start up,” he quips, and my classmates and I reply with laughter. “If everybody’s here, we can at least start with introductions. Shall we?”

“I’m Professor Alcott and I’ll be your guide for Criminal Law this semester. It’s great to see a group of smiling faces eager to dive into the nastier side of law. I practiced full-time for around 25 years until I arrived at this university. I thought I’d like to guide young minds into the law world, and so here I am. I still practice occasionally when I’m not teaching. It fulfills my craving to be back in the courtroom when I’m not in the classroom. Now, who would like to go next?”

Maybe this won’t be so bad.

“It sounds like your first day couldn’t have gone better, Boops.”

“Yeah, I actually think you’re right, Dad,” I reply, sinking lower into the welcoming sheets of my bed.

“You don’t have to say it like I’m not usually right,” my dad jokes back with a weak laugh. My smile falls at that, wondering if I’ve ever heard a hearty chuckle absent from his voice.

“I-I’m not, don’t worry . . Are you feeling any better, or are you still having those um pains you were talking about?” I ask tentatively, worry and care sewn into my words.

“I’m okay. They come and go,” he replies softly with few words.

“Are you going to go to the doctor like I’ve been begging you?”

“Yes, Becky. I have an appointment for tomorrow morning. Just like I promised

you,” he replies with emphasis in his words. I try to find the fear in his words. But either he’s doing a great job of masking it, or it’s simply not there.

“But you cancelled the last one, Dad.”

“I didn’t mean to cancel it, Becky,” he sighs. “I made it and found it got in the way of work. I forgot to reschedule it. I’m sorry.”

“I know, Dad. I just want you to get looked at. I don’t want something to be wrong,” I say quietly, feeling the fear creep up my throat. But I try my hardest to push it back down, because I can’t let it in. I can’t worry about my Dad anymore than I already am. I have school now and my job. I just can’t.

“I know, sweetie, and neither do I. Everything’s going to be fine, my love. You needn’t worry,” my dad tells me in his soothing deep voice. The same voice that lulled me to sleep with bedtime stories, explained maths homework to me whilst I cried in frustration, and told me it was okay when I dropped out of law school. He’s always been there to tell me it’s going to be okay, and now I know I need to be the one telling him it’s going to be okay.

I just hope that I’m telling him the truth.

Madley looks just the same. But it doesn’t.

New shops have opened up. Old ones have closed down. New developments have sprung up. Patches of woods have been cut down. The city park has a new playset instead of the one I grew up on. My former primary school has a new addition. Roads were redone. New ones were made.

I made the drive easily, knowing it like the back of my hand by now.

But at the same time, it’s hard. Because I have this off feeling sitting heavy in the pit of my stomach. And I can’t name it, or make it go away. It’s been there all morning, and I can’t figure out how to get it to go away.

It grows as my footsteps sound on the sidewalk leading to the front door of the house I grew up in. Shoots of grass inch through new cracks in the cement. The daffodils wilt against the steps leading to the front door.

The feeling in my gut flares, making me stop. I take a second to look harder. The cream paint that’s defined my childhood home is peeling in places. The grass hasn’t been cut in a while. I can’t remember the last time I saw it long, and not neatly cut. Patches of prematurely fallen leaves scatter the usually clean walkway. The glass window panes on the top half of the door are smudged and dirty. I don’t get another second to look harder, because the front door opens and a smile waits for me.

Perhaps my favorite one.

“Hi, baby girl,” my dad coos, letting go of the door. It creaks before closing as I watch my dad pad down the steps and wrap me in a hug.

I exhale into my dad’s chest clad in one of his typical Nike jumpers. Letting go of my suitcase, my arms find their way around him by instinct.

“How was your trip?” he asks in his deep voice. His scruffy cheek falls onto the top of my head, and he holds me against his chest.

“Good, thanks. The usual,” I reply. I squeeze him and try not to notice how my arms go around him easier than the last time. I just try to find comfort in his familiar smell of the same laundry detergent he’s used for 30 years.

“Good. Robbie just got here. I’m finishing up lunch right now, it’s almost ready,” he informs me.

“Oh no, don’t leave Robbie around food cooking on an open flame,” I joke, feeling one of his large hands comb through the hair at the top of my head.

He laughs and mine echoes his. But I’m afraid that they’re both forced. Dad releases me from the cocoon-like hug, but not before planting a kiss on my forehead. The same kind of kiss he’s given me since the day I was born. Always the forehead.

“We better hustle then,” he quips, stepping to the side to pick up my violet suitcase. I smile at him and he mirrors it as he holds the door open for me.

“I think something’s burning!” I hear Robbie exclaim in a confused tone.

“How do you even survive on your own?” I answer, toeing off my shoes in the entryway. I push them to the side with my foot to sit on the red rug. Beside Dad’s white Nikes green from mowing the lawn. Robbie’s black vans.

“On microwavable ramen, hot pockets, cereal, and chicken nuggets. Duh,” Robbie replies, garnishing an eye roll from me. But he can’t see it.

The same brown plaid couch stares back at me a few feet away in the living room. My dad sets my suitcase down by the wooden stairs a few steps in front of me.

“You just stir it, you goon!” my dad tells Robbie, padding through the living room in his classic Levi jeans. “Did I teach you nothing when it came to cooking, or did you tune out that day?”

A Chelsea vs. Arsenal game plays softly on the telly. But its only viewer is the In-Fisherman magazine sloppily laid on the couch.

“No, I’m pretty sure I was stoned that day,” Robbie replies softly with a wry chuckle. My dad sighs and clucks his tongue at my brother.

“Any day now, Ree!” Robbie shouts to me. But I hardly hear him, because my thoughts are wound up in the uncharacteristic pill bottles I see on the side table. And the brochures that I can’t make out from this distance. I recognize a few as take-away. One has lots of words that I can’t read, but it makes my heart shrink regardless.

“Hey, everything alright?”

I look up and watch Robbie walk into the room. His pale skin the same shade as mine peeks out from the trendy holes in his blue jeans. He pushes his black button-down aside to pocket his hands. A familiar Marvel shirt peeks out from underneath.

Swallowing, my lips part, “Did Dad tell you what the doctor said?” I ask nervously, keeping my volume low so only he hears.

“No,” Robbie responds quietly. And I hear it in his voice. Because it’s the same thing I just heard in mine.

“Rob,” I mumble, looking him in the eyes. I feel something pass between us, and somehow I know that he’s thinking the same thing as me.

I look up at the ceiling, trying to will the tears away, but it never works. Because I’ve tried it so many times in the last few days as I worried why my dad didn’t tell me what his doctor said on Tuesday.

“Lunch will be ready in a few minutes. Why don’t you lot go and wash up?” my dad announces, and I nod automatically. But I know I can’t go upstairs and wash my hands in the sink that I have for the last 20 years. And that my dad does every day.

Before I know it, the fall sunshine is welcoming me back. I don’t hear the door close with a metallic smack. All I hear are soft footsteps and the sound of sobs leaving my lips. I blink and feel Robbie’s arms go around me.

“I’m scared, too,” he confesses, tears choking his words that echo my silent ones.

“I’m so afraid that he is, too,” I reveal into his neck that soon grows slick with my tears.

“Did you notice how he looks?” Robbie asks into the crown of my head, his lips moving against my hair. I feel his warm tears meet my scalp.

“Mmmhmm. He’s so pale. And he’s lost weight.”

“Yeah, and he tries not to show it, but he’s tired,” Robbie adds in. His chest shakes underneath me and I hear him hiccup from the crying. “I dunno if he’ll even eat. It looks like he hasn’t been recently. There’s like nothing in the fridge, Ree. We need to buy him groceries. It looks like he hasn’t left the house in days.”

All I can do is nod, and I do. Because the tears are too thick, and what am I even supposed to say? How do I put these terrible feelings into words, much less ones that make sense?

“I know, Ree, I know,” Robbie coos soothingly.

But somehow it brings me comfort to know that Robbie is feeling all of the same things and having all of the same thoughts as me. Stupid twin intuition or not, I just know. And at the same time, it makes my heart squeeze harder in pain.

“Kids, come on!” We hear our dad call from inside the house.

I leave Robbie’s arms and find his tear stricken face looking down at the ground. I brush the hair out of his eyes; the hair the same dark chocolate color as mine. His eyes the same ice blue as my own meet mine painfully. I swipe my finger under them to catch the tears. His fingers wrap around my hand and give it a squeeze.

“Let’s go eat lunch with our dad,” he mumbles, his voice still shaky.

I nod and squeeze it back. The same hand I’ve been holding ever since before I was born.

My partner in crime for life.

My twin.

“Go and splash cold water on your face, it’ll help. You can always say that I splashed soap in your eye.”

“Yeah, and how’s that going to sound if that happened to both of us?” he questions, pulling me by the hand into the house with a laugh. I make sure to close the door quietly before following him up the staircase. The sound of our dad’s whistling carries up the stairs and to my ears.

I savor it.

I never want to forget the first music I ever heard, and the one that never fails to calm me. Next to his soothing voice.

My daddy.

The rest of our day was better, but worrying about my dad was always at the back of everything. Silent, yet nagging. It interrupted all of the moments.

The laughing over a plate of home-cooked food.

The jokes and stories that passed the time of washing dishes.

The traditional walk around the block.

Our visit to the local library’s book sale.

Dad’s usual drive around town filling us in on everything we’ve missed.

So and so died.

She had a kid.

They got married.

They’re building this there.

That bloke went to jail.

It disrupted watching reruns of Doctor Who on BBC.

It returned after a cozy mid-day nap at dad’s elbow, strong as before.

It nagged at the back of my head when the phone would ring.

It sat in the circles of Robbie’s eyes when they locked with mine.

It filled the empty spaces between our conversations.

That question sat at the back of my head and in the pit of my stomach all day. But I couldn’t bring myself to ask it. Because I couldn’t confront the possibility of hearing the answer I dreaded most.

“Boy, you make one good pizza, baby girl,” my dad smiles as he stretches his arms to the ceiling.

I nod, slapping an automatic smile on my face. It doesn’t stay long when my eyes carry over to his plate holding the third slice he couldn’t eat. Another detail I noticed that’s unlike him. Because I can’t stop noticing them, and each one hurts more than the last.

Before I can stop it like all of the other times, my vision grows blurry. I feel my throat take after it and I couldn’t swallow if I tried. I lift my eyes over to Robbie across the small kitchen table, and it takes a second. But he feels me looking at him and hesitantly makes eye contact with me. He nods after a second. Watching the tears fill his eyes makes the first one fall from mine.

I sniffle out of habit and see my dad turn to look at me out of the corner of his eye. That parent hearing, that intuition. Heat rises to my cheeks and I hear my name leave his lips. Then he turns to look at Robbie and sighs.

“Dad, I can’t pretend anymore. I’m sorry, but I can’t. We can’t,” I say, my voice breaking at the beginning and staying that way. Tears shadow all of my words, and they only grow worse when I feel Robbie grab my hand under the table. “I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay because we know that it isn’t,” I finish, finally taking the next dreaded step. I look my father in the eyes and find in them the answer I’ve been searching for all day long.

His ice-blue eyes, the same color as mine and Robbie’s, stare back at me. They too are full of unspent tears, but it doesn’t last long. Soon they are falling down his cheeks stubbly with graying hair. His long, tan fingers comb through his hair the same shade as that of the hair on his children’s heads. Gray streaks speckled throughout fall from his fingers when he lets go. He clenches his hand into a fist that hits the table. Dad stares it before he lets it relax.

Looking back up, my heart lurches when his eyes reconnect with mine. Because I know what he’s going to say, and I don’t want to hear it.

“I have prostate cancer . . Stage 2. That’s all they know right now.”

Dropping Robbie’s hand, the kitchen chair moves back with a whine. I put one foot in front of the other before my hand is opening the door. My resolve falls when I reach the last cement step, and my legs can’t go any further. My butt lands on the step and I fall into myself. I feel the tears spill from my eyes and coat the legs of my jeans. Loud sobs leave my lips as my entire body shudders with each one.

No. No. No. No. No

No, not my daddy.

Why my daddy?

Why my daddy who had to put up with an awful wife for years?

Why my daddy who gave his children everything they wanted?

Why my daddy who gave so much to everybody else?

He gave so much and did so much and this happens to him.

No. Not him. It has to be some mistake.

I can’t lose my daddy.

I lost my grandpa and then Harry.

I can’t lose another person I love.

I can’t imagine not hearing his voice on the other side of the phone. Or not getting his hugs that seem to fix everything. Or hearing his whistling or god awful singing.

I can’t live without my dad.

Sniffling, my fingers search blindly for my phone. Finding it in my back pocket, I turn my head slightly to look through blurry eyes. Unlocking it, I press on the app I look for. My fingers race across the screen with each number. Then, the name inside of my head shows up on the screen.

Harry

My thumb wavers over the phone icon. I swallow and feel another tear hit my cheek. How is it that I haven’t heard your voice or seen your face in almost 9 months, and yet it’s the only one I want right now?

I close my eyes and feel my forehead return to my knees. Pressing a button, my phone locks with a clicking sound. My arms wrap around my knees pulled to my chest, and I feel every tear. And every thought.

Until minutes later when a pair of arms wrap around my shoulders and pull me into their chest. I let my head fall onto them as it shakes with a sob. And then another pair of arms wrap around us. I feel a kiss to my forehead before the stubbly cheek tickles the top of my head.

“I’m not going anywhere, kids. I s-still need to see you lot get married. I need to watch you kick ass and become a lawyer. And walk Ree down the aisle, and make sure Bee names his firstborn son after me,” my dad cries, pulling his two children into the confines of his trembling chest. Robbie and I laugh, and our dad’s weak one echoes our own. “I’m gonna fight this. I might need your help, but I’m not giving up that easily. Your old man’s not a woosy.”

Laughs surround our tears as I hold onto my dad and my brother. A large part of my small world.

“I’m not going anywhere, dad,” Robbie gets out with tear-soaked words.

“And neither am I, daddy,” I echo, nuzzling my head into the crook of his neck.

I peek my eyes open and find Robbie on the other side of my knees. His head is lying on dad’s other shoulder. He reaches a hand across and intertwines his free hand with the one not wrapped around our dad. Unspoken words pass between us. After a few seconds, I know that the words we just spoke we promised to not just our dad, but to each other.

We ask questions and he answers. He’s known for only a day or two. The appointment last Tuesday was for a checkup like he said. They were able to do the biopsy later in the day. We cry into each other, feeling the same fear and pain. Uncertainties sit in the air between us as the sun sets behind the oak trees in front of us. The scene in front of me couldn’t look any different from a night of my childhood.

More than anything, I wish I could go back to one of those days. Ice lollies on the front steps sitting on dad’s jiggling knee. Him trying to get me to laugh. By his fingers tickling my ribs. His face contorting into funny faces. Or his imitations of characters I watched on the telly. His wrinkles and gray hairs gone. As well as his cute little beer belly. Mom calling for me to get in the bath with Robbie from inside the house. The Rolling Stones playing on the radio inside. Sounds of neighbor kids mingling with the music, as well as dogs barking. But we stay there and watch the shades of the rainbow paint the sky.

Although I know that I can’t go back, I let myself sit in that safe memory for a moment longer. Because sitting on my dad’s strong, tan knee in that 4-year old moment, everything was okay. And I want to enjoy that for a few minutes longer before I have to return to reality. Before I have to start living in a reality where things won’t be okay for a while, because my daddy isn’t okay. And because of that, neither am I.

I don’t know when I will be again.

My footsteps echo on the tile floor. Each one makes a sound with its own name, like in the Dr. Seuss books my mum would read to me when I was a kid.

Plop.

Klopp.

Dopp.

“Would you bloody leave already? I’m sick of seeing your bleeding face,” a voice quips from behind me.

I turn to find Myles following me. He titters with a smirk covering his stubbly face.

“Oh, would ya shuddup?” I return with a shake of my head, combing my fingers through my hair, but not much hair greets them.

“I thought you were done putting in these late nights,” he comments, his steps echoing my own now.

Pushing open the door to the supply room, I step up to the copier. “Nah, I still have sum stuff t’ finish up. Gotta prep fer my case that starts Monday,” I answer him, punching in my code on the touch screen.

A long ‘ah’ leaves his lips as he rummages in something behind me. Probably knicking some more of the nice pens before they’re gone.

“Well, I’m not a workaholic like you, so I’m leaving work before 5 on a Friday,” he tells me, assuming that I care. I chuckle, shaking my head at his pompous words. The copier sounds back at me, and takes the paper away with a woosh. “Please don’t bloody sleep here again. I don’t wanna have to hear complaints from the cleaning staff. And I don’t wanna have to pay you more than I have to.”

“I pay meself, ya cheeky bastard,” I scoff, turning to find him grinning as he stands with a foot out the door.

But his smile falls and along with it comes a squeeze on the arm from him. “Really, Hare, if you need to sleepover here I don’t mind. I know it wasn’t a nice joke . . I’m glad to see you’re doing better, though. Meaning, not as many empty bottles in your bin,” Myles continues softly. My amused expression falls when the seriousness arrives in his tone. “Yeah, I noticed ‘em, mate. Glad they’re not there anymore. Whatever you’re doing, it’s working. Keep at it.”

All I know to do is nod. He returns it and I watch the back of his blonde head walk away. I sigh, picking up the stack of papers waiting on the tray. I grab the original and rummage in the drawers until I find a binder clip. I fasten the papers together as I take my time walking back to my office. It’s even a little quieter than a few minutes ago. When I glance at my watch, I see why. It’s 5 o’clock on the dot.

Myles is gone.

Amelia is too.

Mick’s office door is dark and closed.

So is Rory’s, to no surprise, because he probably went out for drinks with My.

Rose is still working hard behind her closed door that classical music trickles out of.

Pete nods at me as I pass him in the hallway with an empty mug. Probably on his way for a refill.

But another person is still here. I see him before he sees me, but when he does I follow him to the shiny metal sliding doors.

“Ya aren’t anxious t’ get a start on yer weekend like e’rybody else? Or did somethin’ in IT break an’ ya gotta fix it?” I ask, stepping onto the elevator.

“Not really. It’s supposed to rain all weekend, so what’s the fun in that?” Asher replies, stabbing a random button. By now, I know the drill.

Push a random button and we have that long to talk.

About her.

“Good ol’ Fall rainstorms,” I comment, and he nods silently.

I hum a tune as the elevator dings with each floor we pass. And he doesn’t say a word, and yet neither do I. Because the point of these secret meetings is for him to talk. And for the most part, I just listen. It’s a silent understanding by now, or so I think.

“Yer makin’ me nervous not sayin’ anythin’,” I say, trying to laugh and offset the awkwardness. But it doesn’t help. And neither does the distraught look on his face when he meets my eyes.

“I need to tell you something,” he confesses quietly.

“Well ya, tha’s kinda tha whole point o’ these secret elevator meetin’s,” I smile, trying again to liven up the atmosphere. But he doesn’t smile, or crack a joke.

The smile I was toting around falls, and my mind swarms with thoughts.

Scary ones.

Worrying ones.

Questions.

Worst-case scenarios.

“Asher, i-is Becks okay? Did something happen?” I hurry, the words tumbling from my lips.

“Yeah, she’s okay, Harry. I guess you could say that.”

“Well, ‘s she hurt? Did she get inna accident? Break a bone? What ‘s it?” I ask, question after question spilling out.

“No, none of that,” he answers, shaking his head emphatically. “She’s fine, physically.”

“Then what?!” I continue, prodding him for answers that he won’t give up.

But the last part of what he says gets me. It hints at what he’s about to say, and it doesn’t make me feel any better. It doesn’t pull a relieved sigh from my lips like I wish it could, but it’s not like that.

When the gleaming metal doors slide open on the first floor, nobody is waiting there. Asher doesn’t give me time to look if anybody is coming, because he presses another button. Now, I know it’s serious. Pushed another button for extra time. Something happened.

“Asher-.”

“She called me crying last night,” he begins. His voice is quiet and he sounds like he’s trying to keep the emotions out of it, but they’re heard in every word. “Her dad found out he has prostate cancer, and she’s a mess. I dunno how to help her, or if you could either. But I just hate seeing her in pain and upset,” he reveals, the words loaded and dark.

I feel my back hit the railing on the wall, but I didn’t know that I was backing up into it. Something inside of my chest falls and for the first time in weeks, my thoughts are flooded with her. And I’m worrying about her, missing her, and wanting to hear her voice. I’m feeling all of the things and thoughts I’ve done such a great job at suppressing for the last few weeks.

Now, I feel myself fill with regret at that because once again I want to drown the feelings.

Because I’m hurting thinking about all of the hurt and pain she’s feeling.

“Yeah, I know whatcha mean,” is all I can say, because how the fuck do I put these thoughts into proper words? “Did she say anythin’ else ‘bout his diagnosis? Stages? Surgery? Chemo?”

“It’s still early, she doesn’t know a lot yet. I guess nobody does. He only just told her and Robbie last weekend. She’s trying to figure out how to rearrange her life to help take care of him,” Asher explains. I nod because that’s what you do when you don’t know what to say.

I don’t get a chance to ask any more questions, because the doors slide open again. A red-headed gentleman steps off 17 and I decide to step on. Looking over my shoulder, I meet eyes with Asher. “Thank you, Asher . . I mean it.”

He nods and I return it before turning around and walking back to my office. Goodbyes past between Rose and I, her long blonde curls dancing on her shoulders. Thunder clouds boom overhead and seconds later, I hear the rain begin falling onto the skylights. It makes the sounds from another Dr. Seuss book.

Splatt.

Boom!

Dibble Dibble.

Dopp Dopp.

Country music pours from Pete’s office, bringing a confused smile to my face. But it only stays for a second, because my thoughts return to Becky. I sigh, twisting open my office door. I stop in my tracks when I hear my Fleetwood Mac ringtone filling my office.

But it stops, and only then do my feet awake. Rushing over to my desk, I drop the stack of copies next to my computer. Forgetting them and working on prep work for my case, I shuffle through the mess on my desk. I lift up papers. Move books. Toss pens aside. Rearrange folders and pads of paper. And then I find it. The screen is black as it’s cupped in my hand.

But in a matter of seconds, I awaken it and see who I missed a call from. The breath in my lungs stills and my breathing halts. My ass hits my chair with a sigh, and I wheel around to face the window. Angry storm clouds await me as rain falls hard against the foggy class. Tapping my temple with my finger, my thumb sits inches away from the screen. I debate whether to call the person back or not.

Why would I?

How can I?

Should I?

I don’t have to decide, because the voice of Stevie Nicks spills from my phone’s speakers. And the image of that person’s face fills my screen. Their smile. Their magical eyes. Without hesitation, I slide my thumb across the screen. And press it to my ear.

“Hullo?” I say slowly, barely loud enough to hear myself. Because I can’t believe it.

“Harry?” the voice replies. A question frames their familiar accent, but something else does too. Thick tears.

“Becks . . are ya okay, love?”

#the assistant #pa harry #harry styles #harry styles au #fanfiction #wattpad #fanfic #writing #harry #lawyer harry #lawyer au #harry au #one direction

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witchygalaxys · 4 years

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The Arcana Alternate Universe.

I have this alternate Universe idea for the Arcana where Asra is actually a powerful evil wizard and Lucio is the true hero. Alright So here is sorta every ones new roles in this universe. In this world Vesuvia is the new capital of a cruel vicious kingdom ruled under the most vile king there has ever been. But there is a rebellion trying to fight for their freedom and the safety of their people. Two clans who were once enemies came together as one in order to fight the king and the kings love. (I do not know a gender neutral way to say king or queen soooooo spouse will have to do.)

Asra is a powerful wizard who used his power to take control of not just Vesuvia but an entire country. He is known as the blood covered King. He is ruthless and loves to torture. He rules the country with his spouse (The MC) The MC and Asra are known for their undying sick love that they have for eachother. (Its like a Joker Harley Quinn kind of relationship.) He isn't afraid to beat his spouse. But some one is wiggling into his good graces. It was true that Asra and the MC were once madly and insanely in love. Some one is whispering behind the scenes convincing Asra that he doesn't need his spouse and that his spouse is an eye sore.

Nadia is the one whispering behind the scenes. Trying to become queen by discarding MC. She is also known as a seer who can peak into the future. She gives Asra advice in battles. She is also Asra's mistress. She is sneaky and cunning. She knows how to twist words and tell lies as if they were the truth. She wants power more than anything. Being the youngest princess she sees no other way to get power unless she married into it. She slipped her way in between Asra and the MC and whispered sweet lies to Asra to get him to betray the MC.

Portia is a general in Asra's army. She is as ruthless of a killer as her king. She hates everything and every one except for the King and the MC. She has a special friendship with the MC. They like to torture people together. She is especially cautious of Nadia. She wants to rip Nadia apart but doesn't because of her King. She hates a lot of things but nothing more than her brother. After Julian left Portia was taken into slavery and taught to kill and fight for entertainment. She blames Julian for her cruel hard life. It was the MC who bought Portia off of her former master and made her into a general.

MC (You) MC is just as messed up as their husband. MC is although much more frail and can not do magic unlike their husband. MC takes out their frustration on innocent people that they capture off the streets. Like I said before MC and Asra have a very much joker like relationship. While they seem like the perfect insaine couple on the outside Asra is known to beat the MC. And the MC will always come crawling back to him. Not knowing Asra is having an affair with their advisor/seer Nadia.

Lucio is actually not called Lucio. In this Universe he stayed with his clan and became the leader keeping his name Montag and wearing it like a badge of honor. He is also one of the leaders of the rebelion against Asra. Lucio is much more serious and very smart. He is even a better fighter than his mother. He did kill his father but it was in an honorable fight where Lucio became the leader of his people. He even defeated his mother in battle but did not kill her. Instead he asked her to stay and help teach him how to be a good leader. He doesn't care for gold or fancy things. He is also much more caring of others. He tries to hide it and come off as tough but it sneaks out every now and then. Under Lucio's leadership the clan prospered and made peace with Muriels People. Him and Muriel are actually really good friends. They have also made their clans become one in order go fight a common enemy. Asra.

Muriel is also the leader of his people now. And is another leader of the rebellion. He is much more confident and brave. He actually enjoys fighting and can use his peoples magic. He can transform himself into a bear when need be. Because Lucio's and Muriels people never battled and destroyed eachother Muriels Parents ended up having another child. A son. Who is married and has two kids of their own. A daughter named Maya and a son (I dont have a name for him yet.) Muriels niece and nephew. Unfortunately Muriels father and brother and sister in law died to the cruelty of the king. He helps take care of his niece and nephew with the help of his mother Who is a shaman. His niece even calls him Big brother Muri. Muriel is as tall and strong looking as ever but he looks up to Lucio very much and admires him. He thinks of Lucio like a big brother.

Julian is a doctor for the rebellion. He believes that Portia is under an evil spell to make her the way she is. He has been dabbling in magic trying to find a way the break the "curse" he thinks she is under. Not realizing that is just the person she is now. He has a deep hatred for the king and his spouse. He practices magic on people who the rebellion has captured. He only uses it on people who are loyal to the king. His personality is pretty much the same except he blames others more so than he blames himself. He never relaxes and is constantly working on something.

THE STORY!

Alright so the story starts sorta isekei style and you suddenly find your self in the MC's body. It can be that, you are from the original arcana story or, are from this universe and you know all these characters from the game but they are completely different from the game. Eaither way...

You wake up in a holding cell in beautiful fancy clothing but in chains. You are being guarded by 2 armed soldiers that wear fur and leather. You are sitting on a dirt floor and have no idea what is going on. You know your past life (or not and you just have amnesia) but you don't know who you are now. Afraid to say anything you just don't. Every day you are dragged out of the cell and interrogated. They are asking questions that you don't know the answer to. So you just stay silent. Afraid if they know that you don't know anything that they will kill you. You don't want to give any indication that something is wrong with you for fear that you will lose your usefulness.

You learn various things from whispers you hear in your cell. And from the interrogation. You notice that every one just wants you dead. That you are a (King or Queen) and that your husband is a King of the kingdom you are in. You notice your body is weaker than most and you bruise easily. When you get hurt the pain is almost unbearable. A cut feels like a gun shot. A lot of people want to torture you to get the answers out but the leaders refuse. Saying they do not want to lower them selves to the level of the king. You learn from an interrogation that apparently your husband has one of their people and are trying to drill you for information on where they are. You hear whispers how the king will be coming for you any day now. But as time goes on they question if the king just abandoned you.

As days go on you don't say a single word. Afraid to give your self away. They try to make you comfortable to get you to talk but you can some how see peoples true intent as an aura around them. Some one is acting very kind towards you but you can see they just want you dead. Eventually a little girl starts talking to you through a small bard window on the floor. She gives you watermellon slices and talks to you. She just talks about her day and about the mean kid who bullies her. Eventually you speak with her and learn her name is Maya. The person the king has in custody is her grandmother a powerful shaman. You ask her why she talks to you when you are a criminal in the eyes of her people. She simply says "You don't feel like a bad person." Maya is an empath and can sence peoples true nature.

She brings you a slice of watermellon everyday and talks to you every day. About 2 months later Maya is caught talking to you. You are pulled out of your cell and tied to a post. Maya tries to explain that you are not a bad person but no one knows of Maya's empathic ability. So they just believe she has been tricked. Muriel and Lucio are their standing infront of you with their arms crossed. This is the first time you have seen them in this world. Muriel punches the post just above your head and is snaps like a twig. Demanding you tell them where the Shaman is. Lucio puts his hand on Muriels arm to calm him down. Lucio tells you that this is your final chance to make up for what you have done.

You finally scream that you do not know. Maya tells every one that you have no memory. People mumble and actually believe you. They have noticed that you have been acting very different from the person they know you to be. They bring up how you even said thank you to the person who brought you food and ate all of the food given to you. APPARENTLY The food is very disgusting stuff that they wouldn't want to eat. But it tasted delicious to you.

They shake their heads and tell you that you are being traded back to the king for the Shaman tomorrow. You have no idea who the king is but he is suppose to come to the meeting spot himself to pick you up.

The next day comes and you are taken in chains to a spot in the forest. So deep into the forest you would get easily lost if you just walked willy nilly. You are taken by Lucio and Lucio alone because that was the rules of the switch. He looks straight into your eyes and asks you firmly if you truly don't remember a thing about what you have done. You nod and he just turns away and pushes you forward.

Eventually you see Asra standing with his foot pressing the Shamans head to the ground. The older woman looks so beaten up and weak she can barely move. Asra appears to be alone as well. Lucio is biting his lip trying to hold back from trying to beat the crap out of Asra.

You are in shock at the sight you see before you. From eaither of your memories of the Asra that you know or just to see who the man is that you are married to.

Asra lifts the woman up by her chains and pushes her forward. Lucio pushes you forward at the same time. You can see the woman limping across to Lucio. As you look at her you notice a glint of light coming from the trees and can see the aura of some one who is ready to kill. You immediately turn towards the woman and charge at her. Asra just smirks watching you and Lucio charges at you to try and stop you from hurting the woman. You then shove the woman out of the way just in time for you to be shot in the chest by a magical arrow. Asra looks shocked and so does Lucio.

Asra just says calmly "Kill them all." And people hidden in the trees come out from their hiding spots. The shaman wobbles over to you and presses firmly on your wound. As many assasins drop from the trees. You see Asra's intent to kill and all of them. Lucio is quickly surrounded but then his own people come charging out from their hiding places and block their attacks.

It turns into an all out battle field. In the chaos Asra walks right up to you smacking the shaman to the ground and calmly smiles and holds up what looks like a very old pistol up to your head and says. "You just had to make this messy didn't you. You arnt even worth the magic to kill you."

You feel rage inside you just boiling up. Everything starts to slow down and rocks begin to levitate. Soon even the people begin to levitate. Except for Asra who looks shocked. You grab his gun and stand up. And just knee him in the balls. Every one just stops and looks at you in shock from the air.

You then scream and every on incuding Asra is thrown away from you. The trees all fall away from you like a great force pushed them away. You then get dizzy and pass out.

(I'm trying to think of a better way for that scene to play out. I want their to be shown that you now have extremely powerful magic and for Asra to be shocked by your change.)

You wake up in a medical tent. You feel intense pain in your chest and see Julian is taking care of you. You then fade back out of contiousnes. You wake up again to hear arguing between Julian and Muriel. Julian is asking why he needs to save your life. That they should just let you die. Muriel explains its because you saved his mother's life. And that you may be useful against Asra. You then fade back out of contiousness. 2 weeks go by and you wake up to find the Shaman and Maya by your bed. Maya hugs you but tries to be gentle because of your wound. The Shaman thanks you for what you had done. You notice her wounds are looking so much better as well.

(Thats all I got..... I was working off the idea of if you were reborn as a villian who has done terrible awful things and how you would work with that. As well as seeing people you know act completely different from how you know them and how you would react. Also I should explain Asra's plan. He was planning on killing both you and the Shaman to show that they cant use anything against him because he truly loves no one. To show the rebelion he has no weaknesses. It was actually all Nadia's idea. As a way to get rid of the MC once and for all. It was also meant to be a punishment for the MC for allowing themselves to get captured in the first place. But now Asra is very interested by the MC's sudden change and sudden power. He finds it entertaining and it sparked some admiration towards the MC. Nadia is not happy about it. Asra did not have Portia involved in the plan due to Portia's protective nature over MC. Although he knows Portia would obey him no matter what, but he did not want Portia to question him at all and he knew if Portia and the people knew of this plan to kill his spouse.... many questions would be asked)

#the arcana #the arcana au #au #the arcana alternate universe #alternate universe

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noodlecupcakeswritings · 4 years

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Now or Never - Chapter 5 (A NeganxRoxy fic)

The Saviours are about to go to war with Alexandria and tensions are high. Negan wants what’s best for his people but wants as little casualties as possible but it almost seems impossible. Roxy is struggling to admit her feelings to Negan not wanting to make the situation worse and give him more to worry about. Will there be a good outcome for both of them?

This is the third and final instalment in the canon NeganxRoxy series.

Please leave comments, kudos and reblogs if you like it. It really helps me out as a writer, lemme know if you wanna be on the taglist as well :)

Warnings: Language, Gore, Suicide (dont read if it triggers you), Drinking

Chapter 5

Roxy’s P.O.V

Negan and I had barely slept last night because we were both trying to come up with a plan to lead the walkers away from this place. And we'd done that downstairs by the main entrance, we wanted to make sure it was reinforced. If anything had come inside, we would have dealt with it. Negan felt mostly responsible for this situation, these people inside depended on him to keep them safe and alive. I wanted to take some of that burden from him. Rationing had come into effect and I'd made sure I was doing my part with that too. I'd only eaten a granola bar the whole day. And the lack of food and sleep was already taking a toll on me, I had a headache that I was doing my best to ignore. It’s times like these I missed coffee.

Negan placed his hand on my shoulder in a comforting manner. I smiled softly, kissing the back of his hand. “You need to get some sleep,” he spoke. “I’m okay.” “Baby girl your running on fumes. Just take a few hours to rest. I can hold the fort for that time.” “You need sleep as much as I do. So perhaps you should nap with me.” “As much as I would like too, I can't. This was a round the clock job before shit hit the fan.” “And what use will you be to these people when your too tired to defend them?” Negan recoiled as if I’d bitten him. I hadnt meant what I’d said to come across so bitchy. “You’re a bit of a bitch when you don’t get any sleep,” he spoke. “But I’m right.”

“Yeah. We’ll take it in shifts. Will that get you off my back?” My shoulders slumped, I hadnt meant to make him feel like that. Now I really felt awful. Perhaps we both got cranky with a lack of sleep and food. Negan sighed, knowing he shouldn’t have snapped at me. “Looks like I turn into an ass too,” he explained. “I get it, theres a lot of pressure on you at the moment. If me taking a nap will give you less to worry about, then I’ll go and take a nap.” “Your one of the best when it comes to taking out walkers, I need you sharp.” “Yes sir,” I said with a wink. This got him to smile. I kissed his cheek before heading upstairs towards our room. I passed the wives living space on the way, debating whether or not I should check up on them. I continued past the door, I would after my nap. Before I could turn the corner, I heard screaming.

I spun on my heel, bolting to the door. I burst in finding none of the wives in the living room area. Had someone come in that wasn’t allowed entry? A walker couldn’t have gotten in, that was impossible. I found the wives in the hallway, outside one of the bedrooms. Sabrina, Frankie and Grace were unharmed. They were comforting one another. That’s when I realized Amber wasn’t with them. My blood ran cold as horrible situations ran through my head. Frankie glanced at me and pulled the other two aside. “Where’s Amber?” I asked, afraid of the answer. Grace choked on a sob, she was almost hysterical. Frankie was the one who seemed to have it together the most. “Frankie, I need you to take Sabrina and Grace into the lounge and then I need you to go and get Negan okay, he’s downstairs on the bottom floor,” I explained. Frankie nodded, kicking off her heels so she’d be able to move faster. She led the others away and I braced myself for what awaited me inside.

I opened the door, my free hand on the hilt of my machete. I didn’t want to know what was on the other side of that door but I had to protect the others. I pushed it open and felt my blood run cold at the sight before me. Amber was swaying slightly, with a noose tied around her neck. Her wrists had been slashed, deep red marks across her skin. There was blood across the room, two larger stains gathered on the white rug bellow her. She'd written ‘sorry’ in her blood across the mirror at her dressing table. It was a sight worthy of a horror movie. I even spied an empty bottle of pills and an empty wine bottle too. But what was worse, as if this wasn’t enough, Amber had turned. She was desperately reaching out to me, her groans weak and breathy. I didn’t know what to do, scream and cry or cut her down and put her to rest?

I didn’t realize how long I had stood there gawking until Negan made his presence known with a string of profanities. I turned to him, tears in my eyes. This would be the third wife he'd lost. “I’m sorry,” I managed. Negans expression was unreadable but I could only imagine what he was feeling right now. I knew he was blaming himself. I was blaming myself too, I felt somewhat responsible for this. That I should have done more to reassure Amber and make her feel safe. I should have gotten someone to keep an eye on her. “I need to cut her down,” Negan spoke. He up righted the knocked over stool by her dangling feet before climbing it. Amber attempted to turn to grab him but she couldn’t swing herself round. Negan took out a small knife and drove it through Ambers temple, killing her instantly.

I wrapped my arms around her waist as Negan began cutting the rope. The more rope that gave, the more of her weight I took. I wasn’t going to let her just drop as if she didn’t matter. I let her body down gently, laying her on the floor. As if the walker’s situation couldn’t get any worse outside, now we had a body on our hands. Whilst we wanted to give her a proper burial, we wouldn’t be able too until the walkers were gone. I felt useless, frustrated that I hadn't found a way to get us out of this situation by now. None of this would have happened if we’d just fucking killed Rick and his group in the first place. Amber would still be here, as well as Sherry and countless of others. Negan would be sleeping fucking peacefully at night without any added worry. Any anger I had felt before was now explicitly directed at Alexandria. I forced myself to my feet and headed to the bathroom. I wet a cloth and stormed back into the bedroom, beginning to clean the bloodied mirror. “You don’t need to do that,” Negan spoke. “I need to do something.”

Negan took the towel from me, using it to cover the weapons of Ambers destruction on her dressing table. “The sooner we get out of here the better,” I grumbled. “Why so you can go around to Rick's place and get yourself killed?” “Someone's gotta take him out, he deserves it after how many we’ve lost.” “Your letting your anger do the talking.” “It’s either that or I blame myself for not doing more to make Amber feel safe!” Negan placed his hands on my shoulders, clearly unhappy with my statement. I avoided his gaze, knowing it would just piss me off more and the last thing I needed to do was take this out on him. “That’s not on you, Ambers on me. That’s all my fault. It was my job to protect her and make her feel safe, not yours,” Negan explained.

I shook my head; she came to me almost hysterical when Negan had been outside. I should have done more; I should have at least put someone on guard duty to make her feel safer. “I should have come here sooner, I could have done something,” I insisted. “And then if something had happened downstairs you would have beaten yourself up for not being there. You can’t save everyone baby girl.” “It’s not fair,” my voice wavered as I struggled to fight back tears. Negan pulled me into a tight hug, stroking my hair, “I know, none of this shit is ever fair.” We stayed like this for a while, offering comfort to each other. But we couldn’t stay like this forever, now we had more work to do. “I’ll go and make sure the others are okay, you want me to radio for someone to clean this up?” I asked. “No. I can do that. You’ve done more than you should have too.”

I headed out to the living room and made myself a drink. Frankie was doing her best to take Grace and Sabrina’s mind off the current situation, but it wasn’t going as well as she had planned. Grace was still sobbing into Sabrina’s shoulder whilst Sabrina was attempting to keep it together and offer comfort. I sat down opposite them, racking my brain for anything to say that would make this situation better. “Did she show any signs, last night?” I asked. “No. We would have done something otherwise,” Frankie insisted. I nodded, of course they would have. That was a stupid question. I downed my drink, placing the glass on the coffee table. “I don’t know what I can do to make this better,” I confessed. Sabrina reached over with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around Grace, placing it on my knee in a comforting manner. “There isn't anything, anybody could do. But it’s not anybody’s fault. We can’t be sitting around here blaming each other,” Sabrina spoke softly.

I didn’t know about that; I was finding it pretty easy to point the blame at Rick. “We all could have done more, hell one of us should have fucking checked on her last night,” Frankie snapped. “Like we could have done for Sherry?” I asked. Frankie avoided my gaze, keeping quiet now. She knew there was nothing any of us could have done to stop Amber killing herself and Sherry running away. Its times like this I wish Sherry were here, that I realized how much I missed her. She would know what to do, she’d know what to say to keep the girls calm. She would have held them all together, Amber would still be here. “We are getting out of here, I promise. I don’t care what it takes, I will get rid of those fuckers outside,” I spoke, “when I do, we can have a proper funeral for Amber. I want you to start thinking of a spot outside where we can bury her.”

The door opened and Simon and Dwight stepped inside looking a little uncomfortable. It’s not often another man got to step foot here and considering the circumstances it just made it worse. Simon offered me a sympathetic smile before following Dwight to the bedrooms. A little while later they carried out Ambers body that had been wrapped in bedsheets. I waited for Negan to follow them out, but he was still in Ambers room. I got up and refilled my drink before going to look for him. He stood with his back to me, looking out of her window. “Hey,” I spoke softly, “you okay?” “Oh you know me baby girl, I’ll be okay so long as you are.” “And what if I’m not okay.” “Then I guess we’re both fucked,” he chuckled. I managed a small giggle before my eyes filled with tears again. I took a deep breath to try and compose myself. I handed him the drink, which he too downed. I laced my fingers with his, squeezing his hand. So long as we had each other and this place, I knew that eventually things would be okay again.

Taglist: @sweetfictionalworld, @belathora, @cltex84, @sarahlee8793, @negans-network, @collette04, @themagikat409, @ninavantastisch, @emoryhemsworth, @jdmslut-red

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vcat55 · 4 years

Text

The Jester queen (part 1)

Arthur stared down at the ad that seemed to stare back at him

“Clown for hire for the clown queen herself”

The ad seemed to stare at him in defiance and also seemed to beckon him with the full time position which he desperately needed for his mother, but on the other hand it would be dangerous she was one of the biggest mob bosses in the city but he assumed that ...well it had to be safer than being one of her thugs ,some protection, and it's not like he’d actually be doing anything illegal…. Just telling jokes right?

He remembered everything but he felt his nerves rip through his throat and he tried to calm himself.

It wasn't working because he had already seen the queen on her way into the club.

Her beauty struck him to his core and his delusions took over his brain and a new feeling took over him as he watched the other clowns in line in front of him starting to be accepted into the club.

A pure discontent and jealousy waved over him and he hoped that she wouldn't just kick him out.

Soon it was his turn and arthur didn't know how to proceed, didn't know how to introduce himself and soon his laughter was tearing through his throat and he could taste the blood but there were only three other clowns in front of him (looking at him currently).

But then there was a gunshot

Loud and disruptive and he saw every other clown freeze and then they slowly started to leave soon enough he was alone wondering if he too should leave but soon the same goon appeared and grabbed him.

He only saw the last bit of the last guy as he entered the club but none of that mattered as awe struck him as he gazed at the dacore of the club.

Everything was the queen's signature gold, red, and black,

And there she was with her purple, pink, and blue hair

She was facing away from him in her golden dress covered in blood.

It was all too soon that she turned to him and the goon

“ so mr clown welcome to this new recruitment…. It seems I need a few moments, Frost get him something to eat and drink”

“ oh ms I-I don't want to im-impose” arthur gasped out still trying to control himself

Her walk resembled a predator stalking her prey as she walked closer and grabbed the back of his neck

“Oh darling I wasn't asking I need you to be relaxed and comfortable while I rid myself of this pretty red darling… Frosty also explain the details of whats expext and what id dont give a fuck about”

Then she walked off and he saw a staircase hidden behind a wall

“What do you want?” asked frost

“Just some water please”

“No she said food and a drink believe me she won't let it go”

“ Oh Um”

Think about it while I explain, You'll be given a start of $30 an hour and depending on how long your here a day 3 meals a day and one to take home for your family along with a ride home” frost said

Good god $30 an hour and technically 4 meals a day all because he just happened to be the last clown in line after the gunshot.

“ she needs company that's why your here and the longer your here the more perks there will be and I would keep your schedule loose but she's understanding of family matters and other personal matters but she needs full honesty and”

Frost seemed to hesitate his next words because she walked back into the room hair damp but still perfect , makeup slightly smudged, and almost naked…. Well arthurs description of almost naked

She had changed into a skirt and blazer which showed that she wasn't wearing a bra but the blazer was tight enough that it pushed her breasts up but they stayed in place.

“Frosty where's his food?”

He said he needed to think about it.”

“Did he know? And did you think about it?”

“I-I Think the Spaghetti looks good……”

“And a Drink?” Harley and Frost said at the same time

“ umm….. A shirley temple?”

Harley burst out laughing and said “ ohhhhh I like you.. Frost”

‘Right on it harl”

“ well darling you start in 2 days i expect you to be here at 1:30 pm not before not after. Will you need a ride?”

‘Yes ma’am”

“Perfect, frost will pick you up tomorrow to get a suit tailored and I expect you to pick 2 different colors the third suit will be completely black with our signature red black and gold pocket square, I'll see you tomorrow.”

And with that she walked out of the room and frost walked in with his food and drink to go…..

2 Days later

Harleys P.O.V.

Frustration coursed through my veins as frost explained falcones demands of my shipment of alcohol as I busied myself thinking about my polite little clown

A giggle escaped my body I looked at the clock and Frost fell quiet

“Has he been picked up yet? I'm bored with business talk ...”

“Yes ma’am but are you sure you even think this is a good idea..”he quickly added” Im not doubting you i just want to make sure you know that if he comes back there will be consequences and god knows you don't do well in actual punishments”

“He's not coming back….. Especially not for me and i just want to laugh for a while is that so bad? Huh?”

“ No harley it's not”

Arthurs P.O.V.

The cab ride was quiet, too quiet and he felt his nerves increase and he felt his leg bouncing and couldn't decide decide what he should do with his hands which were switching d=from holding his bag, fixing the fitted suit, patting down his hair, anything but looking at his driver or thinking about his job with the queen of gotham.

Next thing he knew the queen was beside him or more in his lap and laughter was ripping through him too quickly for him to even try to stop as he dug through his pockets for his card but when he presented it to her she only glanced at it and threw it vaguely toward his bag she pushed aside

Harley leaned into his ear to whisper “don't ever apologize for laughing ….especially not the clown queen puddin….. And besides you're adorable when you laugh”

His laugh turned from down right painful to somewhat happy and relieved for the first time in his life.

Like a weight being lifted off his chest which both relieved him and seemed to make a new emotion coarse through him.

But it was over all too soon as she got off of him and out of the car again

“ stay here baby i'll be back” she giggled

His nerves automatically returned and he realized that his obsessive tendencies were already starting.

She was beautiful and she was also basically sitting on his lap. His brain was in overdrive and he was thinking about how badly he would want to do anything with her, how he wanted to protect her and make her laugh.

Then his thoughts soon got more…. Naughty and soon all he could think about was harleys outfit yesterday and how if she just moved slightly he would see more of a woman than he had ever seen… the first time he ever meet her… but soon the driver got a knock on his window and he started to drive to which he was thankful because of how tight his pants get and wondered where they were going until they pulled up to her club once again.

“Wait for her in room 9 up the stairs should be on the right.”

It wasn't hard to find the room..

No, not at all and thankfully there was a bathroom and some chairs to wait in but hours later with no sign of the queen and he was worried..

What if something had happened to her and he not only lost the job …..but also her

“What if she was with someone else” he thought bitterly” NO! Don't do that she's not with you she's your boss” he thought

Soon Frost walked through the door with a stack of cash that signified that days pay which confused him because not only was the day not over but he hadn't done anything.

“Boss is tied up for the rest of the day but she said to get your orders for the rest of the day and also ask if you needed anything before henry drove you home”

“I haven't done anything yet?”

“She thinks your cute she's been watching you for at least 2 hours….. look up see how you only see one reflection of the stripper pole… that means its a two way mirror…”

“ Oh God…… how long did you say she was watching?’

“Yes she saw you touching yourself and yes she's going to tease you”

“I-I……. Oh M-My G-God”

“ don't worry like i said she thinks your cute and that's saying something”

Laughter ripped through him and very quickly did he find his card to hand to frost who never looked at the card just said

“She's already threatened everyone that if they don't like it, not to say anything”

And with that arthur way lead to the kitchen and then home for the day with instructions…….

#arthur fleck fanfic #arthur fleck x original character #arthur fleck x reader

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tigerheart101 · 5 years

Text

Back from a break

Sorry to my friends and fellows for my silence. i took a major mental health break.

because i learned that the majority of this world is made up of liars. Even people who claim the best intentions, when they find a weaker soul they will manipulate their ways into a win.

The day when a slightly troubled but generally obsesssively careful and good person is prosecuted when they helped someone who was legit a bad person with bad habits and they helped this person be good and happy and just generally well behaved but still be themselves. then just one day the good person is so emotionally and mentally drained because they have overloaded themselves with work because everyone keeps saying they can handle it that their smart enough their strong enough except that bad person who all though they never out right said anything they constantly reminded them they were nothing but what others wanted them to be then eventually this good person snaps.. stops talking, stops function and ultimately STOPPED HELPING. my best friend who i have learned is 1 of the only people i have ever been able to trust more then my own family finally said to me. “it does no good to be a good person if everyone sees you threw a bad filter. and it does no good to give more of yourself to help others when you have nothing left to help yourself. cant fill someone elses glass to the top with water when you only had a half cup of water left in your own. “

Id love it if i was such a hard core edgy person that i can say these experiences have taught me to say fuck you to the world and help myself. but it hasnt, i just today gave a stranger 5 dollars to buy herself a bus ticket home to her kids. i still watch 5 kids for a friend for free because their going threw alot and really just needed a bit more help. i still take care of everyone while cried in my uber ride today cause we passed a pilot station. this is just who i am ok. these experiences, ruined my education. but i wont let it stop me, i got my ged last month and i will be going to school for my associates and later my degree soon as i can securely. i just got hired for a great job, and i start work in a week and im excited to do it. i have a girlfriend who is going threw her own struggles and yea we fight sometimes but i love her and i refuse to give up on us because i dont give up on people. i have my own family, not one i was born to, not one out of obligation or just so they can say they tried to help the troubled girl. but one that loves me up and down. who has watched me grow up in hell threw when i was generally bad (which my bad was having additude, crippling stress and a short temper) and my good which is not now and not then.. my good is a day when i wake up after a good night sleep. which is rare. i have stopped taking all my antidepressants and anti anxiety even my migraine meds...and you know what..i am so much happier...yea i am traumatized and scarred after this last year of hell.. but being honest without the meds that supposedly are suppose to help me. i have more happy days.. my meds had caused me to gain weight rapidly on top of the far from healthy way i ate. my meds made it so yea i didn't cry as much but when i should have been crying i was sad as hell but i didn't cry, i didn't scream i did nothing but sleep, go to school, and sleep some more, eat whenever i was forced out of the house or someone else put it in front of me.... i dont need it. i hate drugs, before it was just illegal ones. right now its all of them.. because i was a good girl, i did everything my doctor told me to. and all it did was ruin my life. it killed my motivation to function, it made me into a zombie who could barely function and my doses where never even that high. i was so careful i started on tiny doses to try and prevent this very issue and i still had it.. it made me process my heart ache and stress as anger. it made me scared of leaving my room and it made me just want to sleep all day.it made what was never a very healthy body to begin with a much more unhealthy body and nearly made me diabetic because my metabolism was so slow i could no longer handle all the sugar and food and carbs i ingested.

right now, i should be angry, before i would have been, i would have felt it all as anger and frustration thats all i felt when on my meds.. but right now i dont have it in me to be angry anymore. those who hurt me when i did nothing then be the best i could. i dont care anymore. to those who hurt me out of anger because i stopped making myself sick to keep them happy. To those who gave up on me because of others lies, or things that are just honest to god normal. or things i had no control of. i hope you feel better. im sorry i pushed you all to the point of giving up, or hating me. im not angry with any of you. i forgive you for your part in it all. and im sorry for mine. im sorry i didnt have it in me to beg for help, or say something when i was stressed, or ask for help when my whole body begged for me to cry or scream but all i did was go to bed. im sorry to my therapist for the fact i couldnt tell you what was wrong with me and every time you gave me homework i never ever did it because i didnt want to acknowledge my feelings and validate them long enough to deal with them and i wanted to just ignore them. im sorry to my family that i wasnt loud enough, funny you always said im loud as hell tis annoying, but for once the problem was i wasnt talking enough and you forgot who i was, you forgot everything about me, dont to the fundamentals of who i am. im not angry, im not resentful, im honest to god heart broken. i have dated alot i know it. im young thats normal its part of finding yourself for some girl. what i learned, is no heart break is the same as having your own family reject you. no pain is as bad as legit being told that your not wanted, that your a wasted time or that they wish they had never meant you when they are your own blood.

but im not angry. i was bitter at first with everyone. i didnt understand who people who claimed to protect and love me. could have forgotten who i am at the very core of me. so quickly. but i get it now. thank you, you taught me alot. you taught me my voice is valid. im loud as hell, but at least someone hears me. you taught me that its okay to not be okay because fuck being okay. you taught me who really loves me. you taught me i have fucking amazing friends, and which ones they where. you taught me that my biggest fear, was gonna be my greatest strength.

my girlfriends who family disowned her cause shes trans. She says everyday that only people she trusts is me and her grandmother who is only family she has left. we get in fights built on the foundations of these exact trust issues.

i understand and respect her pain. but i dont get it. she knows that and loves me for it. because i went threw hell this last year. and lost alot of people to lies. but i still trust everyone. i still offer my neighburs baked goods and a smile every time i see them. i still give homeless people a dollar cause they asked. i still love my family even those who never wanna talk to me. and thats ok.. i dont get the distrust. because to me.. being happy is about being yourself. and you know what. im naive, im volnerable, im ditzy, and oblivious, i trust to much, i give to much of myself, and i love people who dont always deserve it. and im ok with that. my kindness might be undeserved but ill give it. i have been nearly killed, betrayed, abused, and assaulted. but each of those people could come to me right now for help. and ill still give it to them. because i was taught if i have it to offer it to someone who needs it. im okay with that. my girlfriend can be distrusting and angry thats okay to. because i need someone to protect my volnerable ass cause i wont risk hurting someone else to protect myself.

#growth #growing up #learn from the past #pride #strength #future #mentalhealth #abuse survivor #abandonment issues #daddy issues #hope #goals #forgiveness #serious #deep #emotional

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pengosolvent · 6 years

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really frightened that i am lacking something essential and will never be able to be a skilled or creative artist no matter how hard i try. equally frightened that i have sabotaged my own progress in various ways and have wasted years backsliding and will never “get back” any skill i did previously exhibit. do you have any suggestions for how to continue to produce art and improve even when constantly suffocated by fear

anon this is a common but unfortunate occurrencei feel this a lot too this is a very long reply because i think about this kinda stuff often, so there’s a readmore

i’ve got some advice for you, though i’m sure you’ve probably already heard some if not all of this before, so i don’t mean to talk to you like this is new magic info, but just reiterating stuff that i try to keep in mind that might work for you tooalso i want to point out that i’m not a professional remotely, so the things i’m stating are completely from my own personal experiences ….. and also i struggle with perfectionism and other things so while i give this advice i also still have trouble with the problems noted and also i use a lot of examples and comparisons when i talk because its easier for me to understand things that way

anyway:

1- you are the person who sees your art the mostthis is a very obvious thing, to state but it ties directly into a lot of what you’ve statedyou feel you lack something essential, you feel you’ve backslid and lost previous skills, and youre afraidbut think about the other art you seeyou ONLY see the end result of what everyone posts… or even if people do post in-progress pictures or speedpaints, you’re not really seeing the “scope” of it with in-progress pictures, you don’t know how much changed or how much was erased how much time was spent how much etc with speedpaints, you see all the progress but its sped up and it’s easy to feel like all of that was done faster than it really was even if youre aware its sped up

and even if you watched a realtime video of someone drawing… theres thousands of hours outside of that video of this person doodling, and even THINKING about their art that you havent seen it makes other peoples art feel a lot more.. confident? secure?

for your own art however, you are fully aware of the struggle of every line because you’re the one doing it and thinking about itit might make you feel like you’re trying so hard when everyone else has just Got it

2- experiencing art as a consumer vs a creator is a different feelingthis is directly tied to the previous idea but it’s easy to feel like you lack something essential when, instead of consuming the art, you are the one producing it

here’s an example: i love horror contentnot all of it of course, but i love horror that really makes me think and makes me see a characters motivations and really digs in deep psychologically and sticks with you even after you’re done experiencing the media

however it is very very hard for me to make anything that is strictly horror. for a long time i thought i was just bad at it, but i realized later that i’m not missing something that helps to write/draw horror … i just experience horror different based on if i’m consuming it vs making it part of the horror appeal to me is the MYSTERYif i am writing/drawing horror, there is NO mystery! i know everything there is to know about the situation i am making! i know all the character’s motivations, i know everything there is to know about every tiny detail and even if i am writing something where i don’t know what happens so it’s a purposeful mystery (such as in this comic where i don’t know what happens if you take off the tinier beak) it sometimes feels less Cool Mystery for me and more like “oh no i don’t know this thing, oh god, i’m a bad writer”i’ve gotten over that little by little, but it’s still hard to shake that i’m “missing” something with work that ISN’T mine its easy to put meaning that may not have been totally intended and THINK that the person meant it, and thus feel like that thing is more thought-out than it actually is

you might be experiencing something similar with art… where it feels like when you see OTHER art, you feel happy or like theres a meaning there etc but with your own art, you can’t capture that same feeling… it could literally be because you know what youre going for and what youre doing because youre the one doing it

3a- old art feels better sometimes because it is more removed from youyou know better than i do in this regard if this is true to you, because sometimes people can genuinely get rusty and lose but for the most part older art tends to feel better due to the fact it is becoming more and more removed from your current state and mindsetold art starts to slowly get treated the way you read Other people’s art because you’re not staring at it constantly and you start to forget the process and effort behind the old art

sometimes you can’t see well if your new art is “better” or not because it is too current on your mind and you know how hard it is to make and if it does or doesnt match what you were going for or etc etcmeanwhile your old art starts to be viewed more objectively because you dont remember every difficult line with it, and you can see it as a bit better because you’re not bogged by the negativity

3b- even if you fell off, you can regain the skill

even if you DID get worse over time… you did it once before and you can do it againyou can learn from your old works, but also try to learn from your old mentality a lot of my old stuff was more expressive and emotivei could learn to do that again mechanically, imitating my old stuff, but a big part of why my art was that way was because my mentality was different back then i was louder, more open, etc etcthink about what’s changed within you to see reasons for things changed in your art

4a- fear only works if you’re afraid of being badit is important to be able to see ways you can improve… but it’s also important not to fear that you have areas that CAN improveif you view “making something bad” as a punishment/negative outcome your fear directs itself through all your art

the easiest point fear can attack is starting to draw at allbefore you start drawing its very easy for your mind to go “why do this? why try if it’s just going to be stressful” and all through out the process that ramps up like “see it’s just stressful why do it”

your fear seemingly offers you something to gain if you don’t even try: avoiding the pain of art altogether

but what if you were unphased by that pain? if you don’t care about making something bad, that fear can’t manifest

some artists start their day by drawing the shittiest thing they can to shake off rust and have fun doing it … drawing a cartoon character from memory, drawing and overly rendered shitpost etc now i’m not saying not to care about your quality and take a ton of shortcuts and blablait’s still good to want to learn and improve it’s just that you have to start rearranging your perspective on your steps to achieve that

4b- no-stakes neutral is no problemhow do you get rid of that fear? how do you stop feeling being bad is.. bad?

try to view arts range as neutral to positive (as opposed to negative to postive) because at it’s base that’s exactly what art is what i mean by that is…let’s say you’re trying to draw a cat (and it’s not a commission or anything). your first attempt does not look anything like a cat this is not a “bad” thing though it may feel that way your failed attempt at a cat has not stabbed you or taken money or food from you or in any way truly inconvenienced you

the base idea is that you drew something and it wasn’t what you wanted this is completely neutral.. it’s like going to look for a new shirt. if you see shirts you don’t care for, you move past them until you get to the shirt you want.your “bad art” is just that. a bunch of shirts you don’t want til you find the one you’re looking for… you don’t have to pay anything for those “bad” attemptssure they take a bit of time and if you don’t have a lot of energy you might feel bad to use it on a drawing that you don’t enjoy and it can be frustrating if you keep trying to no avail, but all in all it’s not a stark negative

art isn’t a straight pathit’s winding, it’s really confusing , and it can be tiringbut if you go down a path that’s a dead end, you just try another pathdon’t fear reaching dead ends, there are always more paths

chuck jones (an iconic animator) said he had to draw multiple drafts to get expressions just right failure is in the eye of the beholder… he felt the first drafts for those expressions did not fit what he wanted, but he didn’t fear failure because of that even if the art was not by his standards, he continued until he got the one he felt was appropriate

it takes patience to get to where you wantif you stay patient you will eventually arrive there

5- drawing and thinking go hand in handart is a blend of being able to draw and being able to problem solve through what you already knowwhen i get stressed with art it’s usually because i don’t know what the hell i’m doing with no way to check myself if i’m close to what i want or not with me it tends to happen with backgrounds or animalsthis is why ppl typically suggest learning to draw cubes, cylinders and spheres from any angle because then you can transfer that base knowledge into other objectslike, cubes can be used to draw rooms, boxes, screens, fences, etccylinders can be pipes, water bottles, arms and legs, etc

transfering base knowledge is essential in art and understanding that you can do that, even if only as a base, helps a lotwith learning how to draw a mouse, you have a starting point for learning how to draw a rat (comparing the headshapes, sizes, ears, etc)… then you can use these two as a base point for drawing a squirrel, then a rabbit etc

another example could be maybe you know how to draw claws but not fangs… you can interchange the shape of a curved claw for a curved fang easily

starting with something you know and figuring out how to transfer the knowledge is very important and can help lessen that stress because instead of not even knowing where to start, you can problem solve to figure out what you already know under different termsits just all about knowing what connections you can try and learn, and working “smart”

on that vein… 6- perfecting things doesn’t make perfectit’s very tempting to make every tiny detail as good as you possibly can… but it’s very daunting and time consumingyou should try to work “smart” here too and now what i mean by that is … say i’m making a comic. i can make the comic to the absolute best of my current ability and take forever and become extremely drained Or… i could decide to try but still set a deadline for myself, and not worry TOO much about the smaller details why is the second one better? because i will get it done. if i try very very hard my ABSOLUTE best on a comic, making sure every single line is perfect, in a few months that comic will still be outdated. it will still get old and the amount i learned from it is limitedif i give myself some leeway (still trying of course, still learning and challenging myself) and set a deadline, i learn to be disciplined in my comics, i get a comic finished, AND i learn more because i am finishing more work in general

this is a really helpful video that explains this point more in depth

this isn’t to say you need to take the easiest routes for art that are availableit’s more like… back to the comic example, let’s say it’s like making a cake i can be a huge perfectionist about my cake, carving everything exact and putting every drop of frosting as exact as i can… but i’m still not a “master” at this i’m still learning the next time i make a cake i’m going to have to do the same situation … take forever to try to make the perfect cake

if i make a cake and still try, but accept when i don’t know how to get the exact result, my first cake is going to be a bit of a mess, but the next cake i make, i’ll be a little closer and in the time it takes Perfectionist Me to make 2 cakes, i might have already made 10 and i’ve sped up the process now and improved because i’ve learned a lot with those 10 cakes

there’s probably more that can be said about art, but i’m hesitant to try to dictate too much about how you experience your art and go about it i hope that this can help you at least a bit though

#nonbonart post

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editorialsonlife · 6 years

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Big brain dump

Scroll past coz this isn’t going to be fun. I have literally set the mood for this. Emo music is on. Curtains are shut. Candles are going. Word vomit commence. Yeah, I’m feeling a little dramatic at the moment. SO BE IT.

ALL THE THINGS THAT ARE STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW

I am tired. I’ve had a low grade headache for weeks now. I need a massage but can’t afford one.

Finances.

Immediate. I’m in debt again. My credit card is sitting at about $700. I owe Dave 3000. I don’t have enough to buy new make up or get my hair done so those will be going on the credit card as well to be paid off later on. I never feel like I have enough money for everything I need to pay for. All our insurance premiums are due again and I don’t think we’ve got enough money to cover them all which is shit and the flat account has kind of been tapped out and although we’ve got the $20k revolving credit I don’t wanna tap into that.

I’m meant to be going to fieldays which will be fun but again, $0 budgeted for that so that’s going on the credit card and being on the float just sucks.At least we’re not paying for accommodation (thank u friends) but food and petrol etc still need to be paid for. I need some winter clothes as well coz I’m too fat for my old ones. I’m terrified I’m going to need a full medical again because it’s only going to make our insurance premiums higher again uuuggggggh. money.

Longer term, I don’t know how the F we’re going to afford a wedding in 2 years and kids in 5. Like, I actually just don’t know how to do it and like rationally I know what I need to change because it’s not like we’re destitute but also spending money is probably the only coping mechanism keeping me together right now and thats a bitch so I don’t know how that’s going to change.

Weight.

Fuck I’m fat at the moment. I’m still 100kgs despite working out consistently for the last few months so that’s really shit and Dave’s all I’VE LOST 7KGS and like, congrats bro but that’s unhelpful here. and I’m 100% sure that this lack of weight loss is down to stress and hormones and shit things that like, having your life under control will resolve but that’s clearly not fucking happening right now and I don’t know how to switch out of it and get my brain back to normal. How the fuck I managed to live like this for 2 years in a row is beyond me. I don’t want to get married being all fat and flabby and gross because I just feel uuughgggghhh and it’s unpleasant.

Health.

Not unrelated to weight but bigger picture. I’m over having sore feet and a tight chest because sleeping on my side is clearly bad for my posture and my neck and shoulders are so tight because I’m so wound up all the time. Unhealthy. Need to go and see a naturopath to get some additional support but can I afford that? no. need to go and see someone to talk to about all of this and can’t afford that either so that’s really unhelpful. I’ve been having random chest pains which I’m90% sure is related to the whole side sleeping/very tight shoulders scenario so I hope that’s all it is. at least when I got all my tests done back in feb? march? they were all clear and happy so there shouldn’t be anything major going on which is a relief.

Also have yet to get my flu jab so that’s a bit of a fail.

Let’s all have a moment in the middle of this to appreciate bon iver because FAB MUSIC

Weddings/marriage/relationships/wedding planning

wow. there’s a lot tied up under this heading. See also health/weight/finances in terms of affording it. but like, in a wider sense, at least I’ve figured out that I want an overseas wedding because then I’ll be on holiday and relaxed and feeling like my best self when it happens. I’m so over Dave’s parents telling us we can’t go overseas because it’s unfair on people and we shouldn’t impose on them like that and like, for sure, fine, but also it’s the only way we’re going to cull the guest list and also ITS OUR FUCKING WEDDING. This is why I’m not taking any money from them for it because it’s just ridiculous and I am not giving them the slightest bit of control over it at all. so there’s that side of it.

Money wise, I don’t know how to pay for it. We want to extend the house and redo the kitchen and bathroom etc, and that’s basically the cost of the wedding. and I know it doesn’t need to be a big one and we don’t need to spend a bunch of money on it but ya know what? I love my friends and I want to have a fab day and I want it to be special and funnily enough that costs money. So be it.

in terms of marriage overall, turns out I may have some left over feelings from the parents splitting up. and what it actually means to be married. and do I even want to be married and is this even the right thing for me? I’m so over being told that Dave and I are the perfect couple and just being under so much pressure from everyone. Like, what if it doesn’t work out? what then? stop telling us we’ll never be happy unless we’re together thats such a load of shit.

Does it fundamentally change anything? probably not. it’s just another piece of paper. but we’ve always planned this relationship so it would be easy to walk away and now all of a sudden that’s changing. and I dont want to ever be a couple that stays together because of a piece of paper, I want to be a couple that chooses to stay together because we love each other and we want to. not because we’re obligated to. And much and all as our parents are great, they’re not exactly role models of ongoing loving relationships and I don’t want to end up there and I just don’t know what to do about it or how to change it. and I’m so frustrated with myself coz everyone’s like THIS IS AMAZING and it is and I love him and I should be excited as well and I’m just like, everyone fuck off already because I’m done with listening to all your shit and I can’t even sort myself out.

work

oooooooh work. Careers. purpose. enjoyment. Who the fuck would know how to create one of them. I’m so annoyed I didn’t just go into accountancy or law with a direct and linear career path and I don’t know how to market my skills properly and I’m so sick of works bullshit. I was in Koru last night with Rhys and Murray and they’re just so full of bullshit. like, I get that you’ve got to sell stuff to staff, but don’t sit there and pretend that they don’t know they’re being sold to. because they do, and there’s actually going to be a revolt on your hands in about 4 months time when the shit song you’ve been singing comes back around to bite you in the ass. Your staff aren’t stupid and yet you’re treating them like they are and that’s a problem. a big one.

job hunting

Let’s not even talk about this one because it’s just sucky and shitty and I don’t know how to network and I don’t know how to explain my skills to future employers so that they’re marketable and I fit their stupid boxes and I hate references and I just. hate. the process overall. it’s just horrible.

Especially given how much of my self worth is tied up in my employment it appears. Which is another thing I need to work on.

adult life

Owning a house just comes with a never ending to do list, honestly. I think I’ll try and paint the bedroom wall this weekend for some fun. I also need to apply for a bunch of jobs at some stage, and follow up with a lady about mentoring. Should really go back and see Anne again but $$$$$. fun times. finding time to balance everything is really hard work.

WELL. This has been a post. it’s kind of nice to get it all out of my head and onto a screen? Props to anyone who managed to make it through this word vomit. you’ve done well.

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contextualstudieslorena · 3 years

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Group presentation on the film Welfare by Frederick Wiseman

Info about the film: Welfare (1975)

by Frederick Wiseman

In his documentary “Welfare”(1975) Frederick Wiseman captures the activity and atmosphere in a Welfare center in 1970’s New york. His point of view is as unbiased as possible, showing on one side the claimers and on the other the social workers and welfare employees. In his own words, “All aspects of documentary filmmaking involve choice and are therefore manipulative. But the ethical ... aspect of it is that you have to ... try to make [a film that] is true to the spirit of your sense of what was going on. ... My view is that these films are biased, prejudiced, condensed, compressed but fair. I think what I do is make movies that are not accurate in any objective sense, but accurate in the sense that I think they're a fair account of the experience I've had in making the movie.” (potnitz, Frank (May 1991). "Dialogue on film". American Film. 16 (5): 16–21.)

Wiseman’s documentary is structured very loosely, he simply set up his camera and films for days on end, focusing on scenes like the plaidants in interviews with the social workers, or the workers discussing amongst themselves, and occasionally shows clips of the people in the waiting room, the janitor. Whether he had done previous research before is unknown, but one of his goals across his different documentaries is documenting the workings of American institutions and the people who are involved in them.

The documentary shows clearly how varied the cases that are brought up to welfare can be, and the different people who enter the center desperately seeking help. Many of the benefit seekers are european immigrants, young single mothers, men and women of colour and marginalised communities.

The documentary also shows the conflict between the simple act of charity, providing a person money for shelter, food and the convoluted bureaucracy they have to navigate, where even the social workers are confused and have to constantly ask each other for advice. The lack of communication between the different departments is also made apparent, several plaidant explain they have been referred back and forth between departments, in a never ending cycle, and that even when they are able to provide the paperwork they are still not guaranteed any help. Even the language barrier can be a big problem sometimes, when immigrants who speak little to no english have to plead their case and deal with the different papers and statements they are asked to bring.

This shows the stark contrast between the human tragedies and the mechanical, unyielding system, the conversations are repetitive and the claimants and workers go over the same points over and over. The whole exchanges are painful to watch, especially when we learn about the dire situation the people find themselves, their pain and frustration at the system failing them (cheques that are never received by the recipient, fair court hearings taking up time that they do not have, the imminent threat of being evicted and the basics of human rights not being met).

But Wiseman, does not only focus on the claimants but also the workers, and shows that they are just as human as the people on the other side of the desk.

He shows that many workers try their best to help but are tied by the system, or the tense exchanges between desperate, angry plaidants and the overworked social workers.

The documentary also shows the blatant racism people of colour face in 1970’s, through a scene in the wellfare where an elderly white man start insulting a black man sitting beside him, and the situation escalates until police officers have to remove him from the building.

Different important scenes:

A native american man talks about rejected by every organization he has gone too, he talk about the concentration camps his people have been put into and

the fact he has escaped.

“Everywhere i go they say “you’re Indian? Get out of here!’.”

A young man and woman, both married but separated from their spouses. The woman is epileptic and can’t work.

Their smile of relief when they are offered a room is one of the rare moments of happiness in this documentary. (it would have been interesting to see the accommodation the people are given)

A recovered drug addict who got himself work, an apartment and a dog, then lost everything but the dog, is told he can have a room in a hostel. He objects that he can't take his dog there. But the official says: "We're giving assistance to you, not your dog."

German immigrant who says he still believes that America is “a good country” , that wants to help people, but under under the circumstances he is considering suicide."I'd better look for a nice place to hang myself."

A young black woman is driven to tears, her interview lasts for hours with the conversation going back and forth about papers, authorizations and contradicting bureaucracy and rules.

Welfare social workers discussing how they can help the plaidants, and how to sort out the paperwork. It becomes clear that even the workers are confused by the numerous convoluted legislations, and the paperwork the plaidants are supposed to bring.

In the video, it can be seen that the artist wanted to focus on what the minority in the USA goes through every day, the problems that they have to face because of the environment they were raised in or brought to throughout their lives. The film is made in the 70s in New York, a city that is known for being a gigantic melting pot filled with people from different backgrounds.

The United States is a country that revolves around making money off of people instead of actually caring about them and their health and condition. That can obviously be seen in that film, when for example one of the people in it mentions that he hasn't eaten in 3 days because of the small amount of money that he has been given. He also mentions that he obviously can’t go around stealing food because that will lead him to get arrested, which just shows that those people are such in bad situations that they even consider stealing food to feed themselves and their families as they dont have another option, the government isn't providing them what they need and that is a very serious issue.

A problem that a lot of Europeans complain about in America when mentioning it is the lack of health insurance. There are many people who don't get any of their basic health needs because they just can't afford it. It gets to the point where people just deal with broken arms, legs, etc by themselves because paying for a simple appointment would be too expensive. The country has many problems when dealing with minorities and this film shows what those people go through by using a technique of recording them in a position where it seems as if they are trapped/with no way out. This also affects the person who is watching the documentary as it gives them a sensation of anxiety but also bringing a sense of naturality to it, as if the one who watches it is in their position dealing with the problems with them.

Throughout the documentary there appears to be an endless cycle of clients (from all walks of life) seeking financial help, but getting no quick resolve as they are having to explain and give proof on their situations over and over again; and to different departments. This suggests there is a lack of communication and/or understanding of the states rules and laws within the worker’s company. Evidently I am led to believe the blame for this confusion and lack of help for those financially struggling is on the USA government rather than both the parties shown in the documentary because the system is more concerned with making money FROM the people rather than making money FOR the people. Another reason I believe the workers aren’t to blame is because despite the chaos and some prejudice, they do all listen and attempt to help the clients that come to them, even if it was poorly. With more education and organisation within the company I do think many of the issues would have been resolved.

Welfare is a 3 hour long in depth look at the American welfare system. The film was shot in the Waverly Welfare Center in lower Manhattan where Wiseman documented the conversations and interactions that took place between citizens of New York and social workers (supposedly) helping them.

Wiseman’s method of filming in the majority of his films is to simply set up a camera for days on end and try to capture as much information as possible, this helped him somewhat in keeping his films unbiased but in his own words; film making involves choice and is therefore manipulative. As such films cannot be unbiased.

Wiseman’s ability is evident when we consider how he had to slough through days of film in order to make a film about bureaucracy entertaining at all times. Some conversations in this film feel so exaggerated or surreal that you can’t help but wonder if the individuals being filmed even knew there was a camera on them, but it being 1970 there is no way they couldn’t have noticed so they knew they were being filmed but either just did not care or thought they were totally justified.

At many times the social workers were portrayed as patient and helpful though we find ourselves sometimes rooting for the client even at times where they aren’t necessarily in the right out if sheer empathy for their situation in being bounced back and forth places and told different things, getting nowhere in the process.

An example of both a surreal and empathetic situation occurs around 2 hours and 40 minutes in where a man is trying desperately to get his social security check having being led to the welfare department from the social security department and is subsequently told to go back to the social security department.

He goes into explaining how he “rips off” different retailers and individuals to get by currently such as stealing chocolate bars from woolworths so he can eat or through ripping off people with car scams. Despite his questionable morality I cannot help but feel empathetic for him even through his ranting, nonsensical stories about mind control, psychic research and coincidental references to Godot.

I find it funny how a film shot in black and white portrays it’s subject matter in such a grey manner. Whilst the welfare system in America is portrayed as flawed and needing reform, wiseman shows neither the staff nor the clients as totally in the right or the wrong. There are situations where both sides are in the wrong and he seems to have balanced it out between the two.

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mysticmessengerdrabbles-blog · 7 years

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AH SHJT WRONG BUTTON

I PRESSED DELETE INSTEAD OF REBLOG. (I was re blogging it to my main blog.) SORRY SORRY. Jumin- “You pay attention to her. more than you do to me!” “Impossible I love you both equally” “ITS A CAT JUMIN!” “Elizabeth has been here for me FAR longer than you!” “Jumin. Elizabeth is absolutely adorable. But she's not a human being. She's never going to be more than that. And she certainly isn't going to do much other than give you ideas to antagonize jaehee!!” “So that's what this is about” “No jumin this is about you behaving like a CHILD.” Mc inhaled sharply “I'm not asking you to get rid of her jumin. Just let me be a part of your life. A little more than ‘house wife’!!” “I don't understand what you want from me? I can hire someone to talk with you while I'm working-” “That's not the same!!” My screamed clawing at her hair. “THEN WHAT” jumin snapped louder than he meant to. Mc flinched back. “This isn't getting us anywhere” “What do you mean.” “Jumin I need a break.” Mc picked up her purse “What?” Jumin stopped his face starting to show the desperation. “Good bye” “Mc wait” “Good bye jumin.” Seven- “FOOD SEVEN” “IM BUSY” “YOU’RE ALWAYS BUSY. COME EAT!” Mc opened the door to sevens room frustrated. “I'm sick of eating with your brother! Sorry Saeran” “No I'm with you here.” Saeran shrugged from the table. “I'm trying so god damned hard for you. I learned how to cook so you would eat something other than this GARBAGE.” “Not now mc” seven said dismissingly “Is that all you have to say for yourself!?” “At the moment?” Seven snapped harshly. “No. But I'm BUSY” Mc watched him turn back to his computer screen and sighed as she shut the door. “Goodbye Saeran.” She said grabbing her purse. “W-what?”Saeran stammered surprised. That was the last thing he thought Mc would leave for. Before he could protest Mc had already slammed the door. Saeran hesitated, maybe seven was going to do something. So he waited. And waited. And waited. Okay maybe not. “Uh.. luciel” Saeran inched towards his brothers door. “Luciel?” He sighed. “SAEYOUNG” “WHAT!?” Seven slammed the door open. Saeran smacked his brother in the forehead. “She left.” “She… what!?” “You finally scared her off I guess.” “How long ago?” “Half an hour tops.” “No. I didn't- crap. Can you take over? I'm literally in the middle of taking down a country.” “Oh. Yeah sure” Seven smiled relieved and took off running. “Mc!!!!” He shouted and Mc looked up shocked. Her arms were full of books and pencils and such. “Seven- what?” “I'm sorry I'll eat just please don't leave.” Seven tackled her in a hug practically on his knees begging. “A-are you kidding me?” Mc laughed her body tensing at the feeling of his arms around her waist. “You think I'd leave after that? I've seen you get shot. You really think I'd LEAVE!!???” She laughed “I went to get some more cookbooks and some college supplies. Some of us are still in college you know.” “Oh…” seven looked up at her. “So you wouldn't mind…” he shifted and Mc tensed. “If I.” “Seven don't you dare” “Did this!?” He started tickling her and she screamed shoving his head down as she curled up to try and get away. Yoosung- Mc snapped, she unplugged the game. “GAH!!” Yoosung leapt up knocking his chair over. “MC! How could you do that!?” “You haven't been eating, you've got to study. And you're ignoring me! I understand you wanting to play that game but not all the damn time!!” “This game is my escape from reality! And you just stopped me from leveling up!!” “BUt I'm here! I'm in reality! Would it be so hard to stay here with me!?”yoosung hesitated and Mc’s heart dropped. “I guess there's no point in me staying then.” She walked out the door. “W-wait! Mc!” “Good luck on your final yoosung.” Mc said quietly shutting the door behind her. Zen- “ARE YOU SERIOUS!?” zen snarled, mc had been acting aloof and when he asked her about it she redirected it back at his fans. “MY FANS MY FANS. ALWAYS ABOUT MY FANS! YOU’RE ALWAYS AFRAID OF THEM ARENT YOU!? IS IT BECAUSE YOU KNOW THEY'RE BETTER THAN YOU!? THEY ARE THERE FOR ME DOUBLE THE AMOUNT YOU HAVE BEEN LATELY!! ARE YOU EVEN-” “SHUT UP” mc snapped shaking as she held her ground staring up at her boyfriend. Who seemed to realize what he had just said and wilted back. she took out a small box that fit in her palm with ease. “KEEP IT” she snarled throwing it at him and grabbing her purse. As she slammed the door behind her sobbing harshly as she walked down the street, she reached for her phone only to find she had left it back on the table in Zens apartment. Back at the apartment zen was recovering from the shock and looked down at the box. There was notecard sticking out of it. With mc’s handwriting. Take him to the roof at night. Don't stutter like you always do that's dumb He's traditional so get down on one knee dumbo Zen we’ve been together for a long time. And I know you've been waiting till I'm comfortable, you're always courteous like that. I'm always a little more anxious about everything all the time but you don't care. My brilliant knight. Would you marry me and start our next adventure together? No don't do that it's too long. Actually he's kinda cheesy like that keep it. Zen stared at the notecard in horror as he opened the box revealing a ring that looked all too familiar. “When you're ready, I'm going to propose to you and we'll get that set” zen had told MC on a nightly stroll. It had shown up on an ad that caught zens eye in the moonlight. At the time mc had only laughed. “Oh no. No no no no” zen grabbed his phone as he stood up already dialing mc. It took two seconds for him to realize she had left her phone at his house. “Plan b” he decided shoving the ring into his pocket as he ran down his street. Meanwhile mc was finally calming down, sitting at a park bench. “Hey pretty lady you'd look better if you'd smile!” A passing man commented, mc showed him her favorite finger before continuing to try and calm down. It was hard to breath here, too many people, too much noise, too big of a headache. A rough hand grabbed her chin and tilted her to look up at his putrid smelling face. “Now don't be like that doll. I can turn that sad little face upside down. He gestured to his crotch a kinky expression on his twisted face. Mc took a deep breath and stopped resisting the mans hand on her chin nodding eagerly. She watched his yellow teeth peek through his lips before bringing her knee up into his crotch and shoving the now groaning man back as she took off running. “$&@%!” The man cursed at her. Mc didn't respond she only ran, down the road around a corner into an alleyway that seemed to have less people. Probably due to the smell of shit. “Hey!” A man grabbed her arm and she screamed briefly as the man placed a hand over her mouth. Much younger than the previous man but his grip made her nervous. “That was my dad! What the $&@% is wrong with you!?” Mc tried to pull away from him but he only tightened his grip. “LET GO OF ME” she screamed kicking at him. Zen ran towards the park looking desperately. A man was slowly standing up using a park bench for assistance. “I'll get that little @&$%” he groaned. “Stupid brunettes all the same. Cry then kick.” Zen tensed and glared at that man. “Excuse me sir” his politeness was the only nice thing about his demeanor. “Which direction did this ‘brunette’ go?” “Down that way” the man pointed shrugging. “I wouldn't bother. By the time My boy is done with her she won't be doing much.” Zen punched him and left the unconscious man on the bench as he took off in the direction he had pointed. Mc struggled against the ropes as The man shoved her in the back of the van and shut the door her vision was already hazy. “HEY” someone shouted and the man looked over at the towering figure of zen running towards him. “Crap” the dude ran for the front of the van only for zen to grab him and throw him to the concrete. The man pulled his gun shaking and zen kicked it to the side his red eyes glaring holes through this mans head. He took off his belt and tied the mans arms behind his back. At first he tried to resist, then zen slammed his face into the concrete and he stopped. Zen quickly opened the back of the van where mc was shaking her head and blinking. She looked at zen but her eyes were glazed over. Zen gently pulled her out of the van and untied her. MC stared at her untied hands before bursting into tears. Zen blinked surprised. “N-no it's okay babe I got you. You're safe.” He reassured her sitting down next to her. “The police are coming to get this guy and then we're gonna go home. I promise babe” “I-I-” she sobbed clinging to his neck. “F-fans” She hiccuped “Shhhh. It's okay. I was a jerk and I was wrong I'm so sorry- mc?” Her head lolled and she swayed to the side. Zen jumped in and caught her right before she hit the ground. “Oh man.” He hung his head “this is all my fault. Just hang on okay?” The sirens in the distance calmed him down but he just sat there holding her upright. Jaehee- “If you can't make yourself helpful then why are you even here!?” Jaehee snapped. This argument had been going on for a while. “Because I love you!” Mc clenched her fists her eyes shut tight. She has never been more glad the shop was closed. “I am gay and oh my lord do I love you.” MC took a deep breath before continuing “I love the way you focus on what makes you interested even if it's bad for your health, I love your stubborn pride, I love that you quit on jumin, I love that you're happy with who you are now! But damn it jaehee I'm not you! I don't have your work ethic. I certainly can't keep up with your expectations. I'm trying though, I'm trying so hard. I learned to cook for this, I'm talking to way more people that I normally would-” Jaehee pulled her into a kiss and for a moment everything was perfect. Saeran- “No” “Saeran I know you're not a people person but-” “NO YOU DONT!!” Saeran snapped and mc flinched back. Seven crunched down hard on his back of chips. Saeran was normally quiet and reserved. “I DONT WANT TO. IM NOT YOUR PUPPET” MC’s lip started shaking “YOU SHOULDNT KEEP PUSHING ME AROUND-” mc turned grabbing her purse and walked out the door. “Oh great” seven turned to his brother “look what you did now. you made her cry.” Saeran blinked “You're not worried?” “Nah. She's right outside. Doesn't know Arabic though so she locked herself out” “Serves her right” saeran muttered. “You aren't going to apologize?” “For what?!” Saeran demanded incredulous. “I didn't do anything!” “She was only trying to help. If you would have told her nicely that you were uncomfortable she would have backed off sooner.” Seven sighed. “She loves you. Can't imagine why after hearing that.” Saeran paused and seven studied him before turning back to his computer. On the surveillance screen mc was on the deck sobbing harshly. Saeran sighed before reaching into the freezer and pulling out two ice cream cones. Seven grinned as Saeran walked outside. “Hey.” Mc yelled and quickly tried to wipe her tears away. “I'm sorry” Saeran sat down next to her handing her the ice cream cone. “No. You were right” mc cleaned up her face before accepting the cone. “I should have listened better.” “And I should have been nicer. Let's just agree that we both suck and should try again.” MC chuckled and nodded. Saeran huffed and stood up. “Okay open up” Saeran said the password in Arabic. “Wrong password” the gate spoke back. “What the-” Saeran frowned and said the password louder. “Wrong password. Please make out to get another chance.” “What- LUCIEL!” Saeran blushed annoyed. Mc giggled and pulled Saeran into a kiss before turning to the gate and repeated the password. “Did you use tongue?” “Yes” Mc replied in Arabic holding Saerans hand as the gate lock clicked and opened up. “When did you learn Arabic!?” Seven demanded incredulous, standing at the door “I've been living with you for almost a year. You really think I'd take the chance of being locked out!? V- I don't know his character well enough to write a good argument. (Maybe try again after his route is released through iPhones.)

#mod ace #Mc #headcannon #drabble #mystic messenger #v #saeran #yoosung #zen #jaehee #seven #707 #jumin

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datingadviceonreddit · 5 years

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I [20/M] had been together with my ex for 10 months. I have broken up with her 2 months ago. She [23/F] was my first partner ever, I loved her more than anything. Since then, there are questions torturing me, I fear that it was my fault that the relationship went wrong. For some times, we had a wonderful time together, but often it suddenly changed to disaster. I would like you to take a glampse at the main problematic situations that I'm going to list, I would be delighted with your opinions on either my or my ex and on how it went wrong.She would always be very furious when I did something wrong. She would mock me, call me names and be very aggressive and cynical. I am a calm person, and quite rational, and I've never done such things to her. I would listen to her, and I tried to find a solution. After she cooled off (about 1-2hours-1day) we could somehow get a solution, but it was always giving up myself, because she wouldn't compromise. I always tried to talk things out, but she refused to do so at the end, because she thought that is was useless, as it "doesn't do anything".At the beginning of our relationship, she was mad at me, because she introduced me to 2 friends of hers when I escorted her home from a party I was not invited to, but it took me more time to introduce her to one of mine, because I'm not that social, and I wanted to introduce her when we meet some of my friends on the street for example, I didn't go to parties for a while. She couldn't understand this, that it's not on purpose, and I have no bad intentions. She was also very upset, that I was friendly with her friends, as if I'm "trying to get too close to them". For example, I added them on facebook, and she was mad for this. Eventually, we met with my friend, and I introduced her to them.She was mad at me that I didn't invite her to my dormitory. She was once up in my room, but she found it too messy and disguting, so later on, I didn't invite her to that place. But she got upset because of this, as I had a female friend (Mary) in the dorm, and we seldom spent time together there.Mary didn't like my gf, and my gf didn't like Mary. Mary didn't want to get to know her, and my gf said she didn't trust Mary, and she wants me to cut ties. I wanted to keep both of them (Mary and gf), so I wanted to give it time, and make them meet. Maybe because of this I seemed a little shady. But my gf feared, that Mary would interfere with the relationship, and she would do harm. I didn't even spend a lot of time with her, just at some classes, because I dedicated all my freetime to my gf. Nevertheless, I gave in, and I cut ties with her.She was upset about me being helpful and polite to other girls. For example, I held the door for them, or I picked something up for them if it fell down. She couldn't realise, that I help everyone, not just girls, because I always try to be useful. I helped my gf a lot too. Like paying a lot of things to her, getting anything she desired or needed, food, expensive gifts, medications, I comforted her during hard times, I sacrificed all my time to make her even a bit happier, etc, which I wouldn't do for anyone. She was also mad at me when I brought back a girl her gloves she lost, because I "run after other girls". I just didn't want this random person (who was a girl by accident) to lose her leather gloves.She wanted to break up, because she said I behave deceitfully. It is true that I always try to avoid conflicts, and I even try to be kind and polite to the ones I don't really like, but of course I have my opinion on them. She believed that this is not normal, and she freaked out, that I am false.Last summer (at 3 moths into relationship) we went partying, and we were a half drunk. We went to an open-style strip club (where the stripper is almost on the street). I pinched 3 dollars into the side of her panties. Later I confessed this, and she again beleived that I cheated on her.Some time ago, I had zero self-confidance. I have a roommate, who is gay, and he really likes me (like finds me sexy). I didn't know how to handle this situation, and it was a pretty good feeling before I got to know my ex gf that someone finds me sexy, and although I'm not gay, he convinced me to send him nudes. The last nude I sent was when we had been dating for a month with my gf. Later, I confessed this to her, and her reaction didn't surprise me. She believed I cheated on her, and thought that if she sent nudes to some straight guy, it would be the same. I know that I'm not gay, I was just lacking self-confidence, and this was a not-so-good way to build it up. She wanted me to go to a psychologist, so "I can figure out if I'm gay". I find some men attractive, but I dont find anything attractive in having anything sexual with men, I know that I'm not gay. Nevertheless I went to the psychologist.There was an occasion, when one of my old female acquaintances messaged while we were on a trip with my gf. It was like "hey, it's been a while talking to you, how are you?". I told this to my gf, and she was furious. She tried to make up parallel situations, like how would I feel if she met with the guy that tried to flirt with her. When we got home, she said that she breaks up, and that she can't handle this anymore. She didn't answer the phone that day, and I went into deep depression mode. After a few days, I told this acquaintance of mine all my problems about my gf, but I remained loyal to her, I even defended her in some topics. Later on, my gf contacted me, that she overreacted, and wants to continue. She asked me whether I had talked to this girl about our problems via text. I lied to her, that I hadn't. I confessed my lie to her 2 weeks after this, as I couldn't keep it inside, and she fell out of love with me. She said I betrayed her. I talked to the girl about the problem "who was the problem". She said, she wanted to cheat on me physically in exchange in her anger.I lied when I got suicidal thoughts because of the love for her, and cut wounds into my hand, I was very desperate. When she asked me what those were, I lied about them, but it was obvious, so she lost her temper again, and was very angry that I lied to her. She says she is broking up with me, but later she phoned me that she wants to stay by me, but I need a therapist.I also lied to her when I was at their place for the first time, and her brother made a very inappropriate joke about her, and I tried to make the matter of the joke myself, as a kind of evasive action, and we laughed it off. She was not present there. She asked later what was the laughung all about, and I said that it was just frustrated laughing, I didn't hear what her brither said. Turns out she actually knew what it was about, and she was angry again that I lied to her.I met with Mary in the summer, while we agreed not to meet opposite-sex friends one-on-one in "date like scenarios". I couldn't find a way to meet her with other persons, so I met with her nevertheless. I wasn't romantically interested in her, and nothing happenned, we were just talking and having a caffee. Later my gf confessed, that she met her ex in summer, as he was her friend, and she needed some emotional support when we were in an argument. She asked if I had met with Mary, but I lied, because I knew she would be angry. But I later confessed it, and she was not happy of course.I also lied about my virginity at the beginning of the relationship. I was so ashamed being a virgin, that I said I have been with a girl once. She showed some understanding, but later she came up with it a few times, so she held a grudge.I talked to her about my ex-crush at the beginning of the relationship, and that I'm so glad that she (my gf) loves me and that my love is reciprocated, and it feels so good and clear, because I was desperate with that girl, and there was that thick, rose-coloured cloud, but not with my gf, and I really loved that. She resented me, because she belived I love her less than I loved this girl if our love is not that confusing, like it was with the ex crush. As this ex crush is my classmate, I had classes together with her, but I tried to remain neutral to her. I had to confess every damn moment when we were in the same class or when we had to wok together. Later, we talked about sexual fantasies. I didn't want to talk about this, but she insisted, she was very stubborn. She kinda interrogated me. She got it out of me, that I fantasize about other women, also about this ex crush, and she wanted to break up again. She said that she also fantasizes about other men, but not that frequently like I had described, and it had "disgusted her".The end came, when we talked about opposite sex friends. She has a lot of them, even exes. She rarely has female friends. I only had Mary, but I broke it off with her, so I didn't have any. I talked about what if I had a female friend, and it was the regular reaction, she was full of anger. She said she doesn't want me to talk to other girls just only when it is necessary. She said that if I loved her, that request wouldn't be much. But I felt it was like in a prison, and I broke up with her.I feel sometimes that I made a lot of mistakes, and that it was my fault that we broke up. I never critisized her, I always tried to support her, I tried to give her everything, even if it was sacrificing some values in order to gain peace, because she couldn't compromise. I tried to own up my mistakes, I even owned up some which I hadn't done. She hardly ever recognised her own mistakes in the realtionship. I assimilate with her values, or it is done. We couldn't find a common way, which is good for both of us, it was only good for her. I feel great regret, as I left her in grave times, her mother is terminally ill, and I also really got to love their parents.I fear that it was all my mistake. What do you think? Sorry for the long post, but I had to write it down.Thank youtl;dr.: I made some mistakes, and my gf couldn't understand me although I tried to give her everything. I wonder if the breakup was my fault. via /r/dating_advice

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