#everyone gains some class consciousness that day

[heartrobynn]

01. “The start of nothing.”

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Author note: This is my first fanfic I’ve ever made, so if this is really butt I apologize on my behalf! 😥 I’d also really appreciate it if given criticism, so I can try to improve my writing!! Honestly, I was gonna scrap this because I hate how it turned out, but I would’ve felt bad since people were excited for it.

series masterlist

Word count: 1.6k

“BUZZ!! BUZZ!!”, the bulky alarm clock that sits on your nightstand sang. Mumbles escaped your lips as you slowly started to awaken from your slumber. Getting irritated from the repetitive siren, you forced yourself up and unplugged the whole device. “Fucking hell.”, you mumbled to yourself, already knowing today was gonna be a long day. Every semester, everyone’s schedule gets changed because you’re required to take 4 classes each semester, unless you have release time. Last Friday, everyone got their schedule and you came to find out you have no classes with your two closest friends, Arianna and Maia. Which you were really annoyed about because you don’t really talk to anyone else. (But hey, at least you guys have lunch with each other!!) It’s not even like you cannot make friends, you just kinda choose not to, better to keep your friend group small anyways. 

After staring into the abyss for 5 minutes, trying to gain your consciousness, you decided to do something productive and hopped in the shower. After refreshing yourself for the day, you decided to wear an oversized, multi neutral color sweater and some dull colored jeans that weren’t your exact size, but not exactly over sized either. You added some jewels to your fit, so you looked less dead. Not having the energy to put on your usual makeup routine, you decided to apply mascara to your lashes and wore your favorite lip combo. After you were satisfied by how you looked, you grabbed your headphones and headed down stairs. 

“Morning sleeping beauty, how was your sleep last night?”, voice coming from the man sitting down on the table chair, reading the latest newspaper like the old man he is. “Morning papa! My sleep was decent, wished I could’ve slept in though.”, you sigh as you’re putting on your UNIF Phoebes. “You know what happened last time I let you stay home, don’t need your mother being pissy towards me.”, your father opened his mouth to add on, but decided not to say anything else at the last second. You shift around in the kitchen, grabbing the chicken wrap you made last night and a bottle of water. Walking to the door to grab your book bag and stuffing all your items necessary for the day in it, “Alright, I’m leaving now. Stay safe, love you!”, you walk out the door to see Adrianna and Maia waiting for you.

You enter the back seat of the jet black Toyota Corolla, which belonged to Adrianna. As you enter the car, your ears immediately get blasted by the lyrics coming from the aux, however since it’s Window Seat by Erykah Badu, it's a valid excuse to be blasting music that loud at 7:15. “Hey boo, you look so adorbs today!”, your effortlessly pretty friend, Maia, tells you while staring at you through the rearview mirror. “Thanks my love, feel so shitty today, so that made me feel a little better”, you groan as you start to slouch in the car seat, dreading the fact y’all would be arriving at school in the next 10 minutes. Adrianna giggles at you, you were always the dramatic one out of the trio, “Trust and believe that you can last 3 periods without us until lunch. Plus, you could use this as an opportunity to get to know more people!” Maia nods her head agreeing with Adrianna. Even though you have Maia and Adrianna, your friends really were persistent in you meeting new people, especially since this was y’all last year, they just didn’t want you regretting missing out on so many opportunities. “Sighhh, I guess I could.”, you continue to slouch in the car seat, while Adrianna starts singing her own adlibs (that she swears up and down eats) and Maia groans in annoyance because she's gonna go crazy if Adrianna continues singing.

The first day with your renewed schedule wasn’t all that bad, but wasn’t interesting either. Well, not until your third period class. Your first period was Spanish IV, you sat in the back so you won’t gather much of your teacher’s attention later in the year. Even though you enjoyed learning Spanish, you hated when your previous Spanish teachers would randomly pick on you to read out a question or sentence they had on the board. Although, as you were seated in the back of the classroom, you noticed a certain auburn hair colored girl, she really only caught your eye because she was fast asleep during the little icebreakers your teacher showcased on the board. She was so into her sleep that you almost envied her, wishing you could sleep just like a newborn baby who just got breastfed just like she was. You whipped out your phone, not wanting to look like a creep for staring so hard and scrolled through r/AITA thread until class ended. 

When the period ended, you and your friends met up with each other so y'all could walk each other to class, even if y'all had to go separate ways. “Bro there’s this girl in my class and I swear she’s the love of my life.”, Adrianna dreamily sighs thinking about the girl’s captivating beauty and her alluring smile, while you and Maia give her the stankest side eye. “Babes.., this is like the 3rd girl you swore was the love of your life in the past 2 weeks.” Adrianna redirected her attention to Maia while you added on, “no actually, and then they be the most vile looking creatures I’ve seen.”, Adrianna rolled her eyes at the both of you raining on her parade, “Why can’t y'all ever support me? If I wanna fall in love with every woman I meet, y'all supposed to be my best wingmen.” Adrianna playfully argued with the both of y'all before the warning bell rudely interrupted. “Oh shit, we gotta go. I’m not tryna get caught up in the hall sweep again.” All three of y'all quickly scattered as y'all said your goodbyes, thankfully your class was nearby, so you weren’t late!

You walked into your calculus I class, only to find there was one seat left and it was right in the front too. You already knew you were gonna despise this class, as you sat down in the seat, your teacher began to pass out papers to the class, “To those who just walked in, I’m passing out a review paper of different pre-calculus problems to refresh your memories for next class because we’ll be getting straight into the lesson.” Students around the classroom mumbling and groaning in annoyance, all you can do is just sit in silence as you’re about to fall into your inevitable doom. Your teacher hands your own paper, you look at the first question, only to find out you’re completely cooked.

After that abominable second period, you decided to go straight to your AP Physics class rather than hanging out with your friends during the passing period because you wanted to have the opportunity to pick your seat without being limited. However, that wish got immediately crushed when you walked in the classroom just to see assign seats displayed on the board, “are you fucking serious right now.” you think to yourself trying not to crash out in the middle of class. You look at the name of the girl who sat right next to you, Abigail Anderson. You’ve heard good and bad things about the girl, but you didn’t know her yourself personally, so you didn’t really have your own opinion on her. You looked away from the board scanning the room to find y’all seats, only to see the muscular girl on her phone, paying no attention to her surroundings. You sat next to her feeling really awkward, especially since she didn’t even look up at you to acknowledge your presence. 

As the bell rings, your teacher starts to explain the reason why she has y’all in assign seats. Your seatmate is your assigned partner for any class work y’all have if it requires it and completing the study guides with each other, since the curriculum cannot be fully covered in class,  you and your partner are responsible for teaching it among yourselves. You quietly celebrate in your head, relieved from the awkwardness from having to find your own partner. However, that relief is short-lived as your partner, Abby, raises her hand up, drawing the teacher’s attention. “Is there an issue, Ms. Anderson?” Your teacher asks as she views her clipboard to make sure she addressed the girl's name correctly. “Are we allowed to request a new partner?”, right then and there, a surge of embarrassment washes over you completely. “Unfortunately no, In the real world you’re gonna have to work with people you don’t want to or don’t know, so you need to get prepared for that starting now!”, your teacher firmly says. You catch a scoff and a muttered remark from Abby, being reluctant about working with you. Normally, you’d let shit slide, but today your mouth moves before you can stop. “Alright, now you’re doing entirely too fucking much, acting like I desperately wanna work with you or something.”, Abby turns her head to face you, giving you an insulting gaze before opening her obnoxious ass mouth to speak again. “Not my fault you look like an insufferable person, I personally don’t wanna work with someone who’s gonna cause me headaches.”, as she continued to speak, the more agitated you were getting, how is she gonna label you as an insufferable person when she doesn’t even fucking know shit about you?? Fuming with frustration, you're about to respond when the teacher intervenes, “Alright ladies, calm down. I don’t need any of that happening in my class, if y’all have problems with each other y’all can solve that on your own time. Anyways back to what I said previously...” As the tension eases, your teacher returns to her lesson, though the uneasy atmosphere lingers in the air. Throughout the remainder of class, your mind could only focus on the things Abby said, unable to shake the irritation she caused. 

part 02. ??

Taglist:

@elliesactualgirlfriend @desireesfics

#🦦.fics #abby x reader #abby anderson x reader #abby x y/n #abby the last of us #abby tlou #abby anderson #abby x fem!reader #abby x black reader #ellie x black!reader #ellie x y/n #ellie x fem reader #ellie x reader #black writblr #black reader #black tumblr #tlou fanfiction #tlou

[p-antomime]

kiki 😓😓 please tell me something, for real anything with frat boy!katsuki </3

oh, anything? alright nonnie <3 gonna give you some hcs about frat boy!katsuki

୧ : tw.: non-consensul recording/filming, dubcon-ish, use of alcohol, hints of small age gap with both (him & reader) being 20+.

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who is not so interested in either dating or his own grades in college until he is called to the senior group that handles the arrival of new freshmen at college and he sees you being introduced to the uni by a girl he knows very well, ashido mina

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who tries to get any kind of information about you out of her, but she tells him to give up because she "knows what he intends to do," and, in reality, everybody knew — the moment kirishima and sero saw him staring at you across campus before class, they already knew that katsuki's mind was already beginning to reel

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who gets to know your name by asking a friend of yours who was also new in college, actually: she was your first and only friend there, so it was easy for him to say that he was looking for you because of student documentation

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who ends up approaching you on a day when he had to go to the library to get a book for denki, and you were there, busting your head trying to understand the notes you had made in a hurry during the morning class

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who is willing to help you understand the material, saying "bother? oh no, it won't be a bother for me, when I was a freshmen nobody helped me, so I want to do it for you" with a sideways smile

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who slowly manages to gain your trust, but doesn't introduce you to his group of friends, including mina, because she'd promptly want to keep you away from him — and, c'mon, he needs to keep you around so he can keep checking out your cleavage and/or your thighs under your skirt during the day and have good fap material to later at night with his hand around his cock wondering when he could get you to choke on it

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who couldn't stop fantasizing about dragging you to his bedroom at one of the frat parties so he could finally use you and send you back to the party with cum leaking from between your legs

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who convinces you to go to one of these parties on a Saturday as soon as he hears sero and denki talking about it

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who helps you get along with everyone at the party and tells you that if any guy messes with you just call him and he will take care of the asshole for you, and although he himself is not the best of influences, katsuki says it from the bottom of his heart; he would fight any motherfucker at that place for you

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who sees you drinking and joins you, just not to leave you alone, after all: it was your first college party! and it's better to be drinking with a friend... or not.

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who helps you up the stairs to one of the rooms, but barely manages to close it because he is also already drunk, which means that it was kept open the whole time he used to lay you down on the bed and start kissing you without finding much resistance — it wasn't as if you didn't find him attractive, but, definitely, the alcohol inside your system made you forget any and all rumors about katsuki using new college girls for a quick fuck and discarding them right afterwards

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who spent long minutes kissing and biting your tits until he left teeth marks all over your skin, after all, if you were not in full consciousness that day, those marks could remind you of who made them

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who made you cum several times, but only first with his fingers and mouth and he did it more for himself than for you: he wanted to memorize the sweet taste of your pussy as much as possible, to leave you throbbing for his dick because surely the next morning you wouldn't want to look him in the face

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who would fuck you without a condom if you hadn't mustered up all your dignity to gasp while he kissed you and ask him to use one

all right, frat boy!bakugo katsuki might do it this time, but the next time? no way, he'll fuck you raw, no condom, fuck you raw and fill you up with his sticky cum and then fuck it as deep as possible with his fingers

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who would put you in matting press and would talk about how cute you look having your little pussy totally ruined by a guy like him, how thankful you should be to have a veteran like him taking such good care of you

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who would cum deep in the condom, but when taking it off he would not only leave it on your crotch, with his white cream dripping over your sensitive pussy, but also take some of the liquid to draw a heart and write "Katsuki" on your tits

frat boy!bakugo katsuki who may or may not have taken pictures of you and recording everything while fucking you and while getting your breasts honeydewed in his cum, you honestly couldn't remember, too drunk for it; maybe you need to ask him about it the next day!

— bnha masterlist.

#bnha smut #bnha headcanons #katsuki bakugou smut #bakugou headcanons #bnha hcs #bakugo katsuki smut #bakugou katsuki smut #katsuki smut #mha smut #boku no hero smut #my hero academia smut #bakugou smut #bakugo smut #bakugo headcanons #mha hcs #tw.filming #tw.dubcon #tw.alcohol #tw.age gap #katsuki x fem!reader #bakugou x fem!reader #katsuki x reader #katsuki bakugo x reader #bnha x reader

[ancientcraftnoccultism]

Beginner Class - Introduction to Meditation

Ancient Craft & Occultism

Introduction to Meditation

___

By KB

Introduction

Hello again, everyone! Welcome back to the next lesson for the Beginner Class. Last lesson, we talked about finding your personal center as well as a bit more in depth on grounding. Well, today, we'll be taking a closer look at the many forms and practices of meditation.

What Is Meditation?

Meditation is an essential aspect of witchcraft and magic practice as it allows you to interact with the universe (or your higher power) through conscious thought and focused desire. Ritual, spellwork, and your regular thoughts and speech are examples of other techniques. Meditation is a discipline in which one trains the mind and creates a state of consciousness in order to gain some advantage. Meditation encompasses a wide range of different activities and practices. We will go into more detail in the following sections.

Nearly every culture in the world has some connection to meditation. Whatever the design, they are typically intended to encourage connecting with spiritual guidance, feeling at ease, developing inner strength, having psychic visions, becoming closer to God, remembering former lives, going on astral journeys, and more. Meditation is a well-known, age-old technique that has been used for millennia to promote calmness, concentration, and connection with our inner selves. The benefits of meditation on the mind, body, and soul are reciprocal.

A Brief History

In actuality, nobody is certain of the exact beginning and location of meditation. But our theories are supported by facts. This ancient rite is mentioned in many civilizations and religions, including Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism, Islam, and Christianity. All of these faiths have something to offer to the modern understanding of meditation as it is practiced today. Although the history of meditation is controversial, many people think it began there more than 5000 years ago.

India Origins

It is generally accepted that the Vedas, a collection of Hindu writings, include the oldest written account of meditation. The Vedic books were written around 1500 BCE. The Vedas include mention of a practice known as "Dhyana," which is considered to be the first example of meditation that we are aware of. In Sanskrit, the word "dhyana" implies "contemplation" or "meditation." It is intended to calm the mind and attain "thoughtless awareness." However, Vedantism is frequently rejected by Buddhist beliefs in favor of the Buddha's teachings.

The various Buddhist levels of meditation can also be found in other ancient Indian scriptures dating back to the first century BCE. These texts are known as the Pli Canon Sutras. The Pli Canon is a body of Theravada Buddhist literature. And then there's Buddha. Siddhartha Gautama, an Indian prince, was the inspiration for Buddha. He was looking for a means to end human pain. Gautama attempted numerous strategies, but none of them seemed to work. He sat down under a tree one day and determined not to move until he discovered the solution he sought. He attained enlightenment after 49 days of meditating and started the Buddhist faith. The practice of meditation is claimed to have spread throughout India from there. Buddhist monks embraced meditation as a means of achieving inner peace, frequently sitting for hours in silence, meditating on their master's teachings.

Asia Origins

Around the sixth century BCE, the practice of meditation spread to China, where it was influenced by Taoism and Buddhism. At the end of the Han dynasty, Buddhist monks from India introduced meditation to China. Over the next century, the practice began to blend into Chinese culture. The Taoists also believed in the efficacy of meditation and devised their own techniques for mind-stilling. One famous Taoist meditation practice is known as "Qigong." Qigong is a type of moving meditation that entails slow, gentle motions as well as deep breathing. Meditation extended from China to Japan, Korea, and other parts of Asia. Zen Buddhists perform "Zazen," a type of meditation practiced in Japan.

The technique was introduced to Japan by the Japanese monk Dosho, who journeyed to China to study Buddhism under the famous master Hsuan Tsang. Zazen, which translates as "seated meditation," is sitting in quiet with one's eyes closed. Korea has its own type of meditation known as "Won," which is based on Buddhist and Taoist concepts. It is a sort of moving meditation in which gentle, rhythmic motions are used to calm the body and mind.

Western Origins

Meditation became popular in the Western world in the twentieth century. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi was among the first Westerners to popularize meditation. Maharishi is most known for popularizing the technique of "transcendental meditation" in the 1960s. The Yogis are a Hindu group that believes in the power of meditation to help one achieve enlightenment. The term "yoga" truly means "union" or "connection." Yoga seeks to unite the mind, body, and soul.

Other Yogis, such as Paramahansa Yogananda, who penned the classic book "Autobiography of a Yogi," also contributed to the introduction of meditation to the West. Maharishi's method of meditation is closing our eyes and reciting a mantra. A mantra is a word or phrase that is repeated repeatedly. The idea is to concentrate on the chant while clearing our brains.

Meditation & Spirituality

Spirituality is a broad topic with numerous interpretations. In general, it encourages a sense of connection to something larger than ourselves, as well as a connection with your higher self or higher awareness. It promotes the search for meaning in life and living with a broader perspective. It has a highly global appeal--something that all humans can relate to. A spiritual experience may be described as sacred, ethereal, mystical, or transcendent, or simply as a deep sense of positive emotions such as calm, amazement, wonder, connectivity, contentment, appreciation, acceptance, compassion, and unconditional love. All of these are true characteristics of our spirit.

Spiritual meditation, as the term implies, is that which connects you to your spirit. It pushes you past your limiting identities and labels to the core of who you truly are. You as your authentic self - joy, love, and tranquility. You may feel a rain of grace and happiness, as well as a deep sense of closeness and oneness, if you practice spiritual meditation. The desire to practice spiritual meditation stems from an underlying desire to perceive and think beyond the apparent world. Spiritual meditation can assist you in discovering the everlasting truth and meaning of existence. It keeps you anchored in the present moment, where you want to be and find peace.

Any genuine meditation practice, when practiced over time, can aid in your spiritual growth and will begin to provide the following spiritual benefits:

A balanced and grounded sense of being

Experience of deep inner stillness and peace

Radiating serenity, calmness, and love

A sense of awakening and freedom

Less emotional reactions

More awareness and mindfulness

Sense of inner bliss regardless of situation

The feeling of always being home

Belonging and connecting to all

Great abundance and security

Increased creativity and free thinking

More resilient to anger and stress

Meditation & General Health

Although meditation has been practiced for many years and is known to have many positive effects on the mind, it is only recently that science has established a strong connection between meditation and physical health. It's simple to feel overpowered by ideas and emotions in the fast-paced world of today. We all know the damage stress and anxiety can do to our health. Stress and anxiety are frequently caused by emotional overload. Nowadays, professionals from all over the world agree that practicing mindfulness for a little period of time each day can make a huge difference. The advantages of meditation for both the body and the mind are well-documented and very compelling. Here's just a few ways frequent meditation can improve our overall health.

daily meditation practice can improve blood circulation, lower the heart rate and help maintain a healthy heart

frequent mindfulness sessions seemed to improve meditators’ immune system functions

produces positive, lasting changes within the brain

meditation not only supports memory and attention, it also enhances mental agility and alertness

women, in general, who practice mindfulness are more aware and accepting of their bodies (also helps with PMS pain)

meditation develops mental awareness and can help you manage triggers for unwanted impulses

meditation can diminish the perception of pain in the brain

blood pressure decreases not only during meditation but also over time in individuals who meditate regularly

Meditation & Witchcraft

As magical practitioners and witches, one of the most important things we can master is the art of meditation. It allows us to still the soul and quiet the mind, which, in turn, allows us to listen to our intuition and focus on our personal energy. Meditation can also be used as a gateway for higher awareness or entering the astral realm.

Now, meditating may not come easy for a lot of you. This is perfectly normal. When I first started practicing, I had a feeling inside that made me feel extremely goofy, and stupid. The more I ignored it, the louder and stronger it grew. I eventually sat with the voice and came to the conclusion that it was my ego, driven by fear and insecurity. The more I sat with the voice, the less I felt stupid about things. I believe this was my initiative into shadow work. Anyways, back to class -

Utilizing meditation within your craft will prove to be absolutely essential the more you do ritual and spell work. Don't give up hope if "conventional" methods don't work for you. We're going to get into several different techniques of achieving the same meditative state.

Types of Meditation

There are so many different types of meditation, if I went into them all, this lesson would turn into an entire chapter. I'm just going to keep it sweet and simple here, but I absolutely encourage you to look into different methods, especially if none of the ones I have listed work for you. Let's get to it.

Active Meditation

Sitting in silence for even 2 minutes may sound like absolute torture for a lot of you. Good news is, that's not the only way to meditate. Have you ever done a yoga class, a workout session, or even taken a nice, fresh shower & felt a sense of bliss? Well, you experienced a meditative state of mind. You can do this by getting out in nature, cleaning the house, performing an art form, anything that involves movement can be a form of active meditation! Woo-hoo for us neurodivergents!

Body Scan

This method allows you to reconnect the mind to the body in a way that notices any physical sensations or tension. While relaxation naturally happens here, the goal is to pay attention to sensory experiences you typically don't notice. This allows you to be more present in your day to day life and is also a wonderful grounding and centering technique.

Mindful Breathing

The body is wiser than the mind, and this technique proves it. It is a very simple, mindless method, but has very profound effects on the body and mind. There are several breathing techniques out there, which I encourage you all to research on your own. All have different effects on the mind and body, so please be sure to choose one that is suitable for you.

Visual Meditation

This is when you focus your mind's eye, or your imagination, into an image to center the mind and the body. The main focus is to imagine and hone in on a memory or something creative and nice that opens the mind's eye. This is a wonderful exercise for those who want to enhance their visualizing abilities.

Sound Meditation

Again, this is exactly as it sounds. This meditation uses sound to provoke a meditative state of mind and align the bodily energies.

#baby witch #elder witch #beginner witch #witchblr #witchcraft #dark witchcraft #astrology #tarot #aesthetic #divination #meditation

[lonely-layla]

An aggressive confession pt.2

Umeji Kizuguchi x chubby!fem! Reader

Umeji smiled as he placed his hands on your waist. He now had you in a tight hug as you rested your head on his chest. This moment was really making him happy because he finally got to have the person who he loved the most, it felt great. However, there was still some confusion in his mind. “Can I ask you something?”

You look up at him, in his golden eyes “mhm?” Umeji kept quiet for a moment and thought before finally speaking, “why did you like me, of all people?... I've never really been kind towards you. Why is it that you felt this way for a person like me?” He says adverting his gaze from you.

“I just hoped you were a good person.And I know someone who’s hiding their feelings when I see one” you give him a mischievous side eye as he scoffs.

“Tch- takes one to know one doenst it?” He teases rubbing your back. You two stay there for a while when the bell rings for class. You two walk back upstairs for class to start, when he gives you another kiss on the lips before parting.

You got into my class, which was surprising the class next to umejis’ and when you sat down and started your studies. Musume and her friends could not whisper a louder. “Yall are the shittiest whisperers ever” you turn around and tell them. All they do is laugh “No wonder you ended up with a delinquent reject like umeji, let’s see how long it lasts before he breaks up with your overweight ass!” Hoshiko yells out as they all laugh. The bell rings for class to get out and everyone leaves except them. they all walk over to your desk and they push you out of my seat, you fall on the floor, and they start stomping on your stomach. You couldn’t breathe as you see Kashiko pull out a knife. Your eyes widened as she slashed a cut that went through my uniform and across your stomach. You scream out in unbearable pain they all walk away and leave you bleeding out on the floor alone.

Umeji had just gotten out of his class, he was walking over to your class when he saw the girls run out of the room. He suspected something was up so he walked into the door opened it and his heart dropped to the sight of you bleeding out o m the floor. Before he knew it, he found himself running towards you and he got close to check your wound. He had an idea of what happened and for the the popular girls sake, he hoped it wasn’t true.

Your perception was getting blurry due to the blood loss”Umeji?” Was all you could whisper out. The fact that someone hurt you made him angry but the sight of you being drenched in blood made his blood boil. He took off his coat and wrapped it around the wound. “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. Stay with me, I’m gonna get you the infirmary” He asked you but you couldn’t respond and you were losing consciousness.

He pick you up with ease and carried you to the infirmary where the nurse called the police. If you weren’t borderline unconscious you woulda asked him how was sable to pick you up so quickly.

He was doing his best to move quickly but not to the point where he would end up hurting you. He was really hoping they'd make it to the infirmary in time before you ended up being unconscious. As he got to the infirmary, he placed you on the bed and they started checking your wound and helping to clean it. They called 911. And they took you away on a bed to the hospital.

They treated you at the hospital and gave you medication for the helping you heal. After a few days, you were let out but advised to stay at home until your recovery was complete. The medication they had given you had made you gain a lot of weight. But that was the least of your concern, until you heard the first knock at your door in a couple of weeks.

Layout opened the door to Umeji standing there, “hey, I just came by to see if you were oka-” before he cold finish his sentence, you engulfed him in a hug. He felt relieved that you survived but was angry to hear that it was Musume and her friends who were behind it all. He really wanted to get back at her because of what she did to you. But he had to keep those feelings back, right now all he wanted was to see you after this whole time.

After you left go of the hug and invited him inside, Umeji noticed the changes your changes. And to be honest, he didn't mind them one bit. He thought you looked beautiful no matter what and he didn't see any flaw in your appearance he especially didn’t mind that it made your ass and breasts bigger. You noticed how he looked at you and it made u feel some type of way. You threw a meal you made for yourself beforehand in the trash so he wouldn’t think you’re eating too much.

Umeji noticed this and wondered why you just wasted a whole plate of food instead of finishing it. Something was up with you. He got snapped back to reality when you speak up. “Would you like something to eat or drink?” You ask awkwardly.

Umeji noticed you subtly trying to clean something off the counter but he never asked you about it. Now that he thinks about it, he was actually pretty thirsty as well so he accepted your offer. “I think I'll take a drink, you don't have to make anything to eat for me”.

You nod and begin getting some juice from the fridge. You know he had noticed your weight gain and saw him staring at you, yo u weren’t sure if it was good or bad to him. Your thoughts raced as you subconsciously chose that it was bad to him. You put the juice and give it to him. “S-so! What’s been going on at Akademi since I was gone” you ask trying to change the subject and distract my mind.

“I don’t know the same shit as always, a couple murders, everyday stuff really” he swirls his drink around drinking from the straw. You slip off to your bedroom to change into something that more loose fitting so he doesn’t notice. And come back.

Umeji's eyes immediately noticed the new clothes once you came out. He wondered why you changed, you were fine in what you were wearing before. But you looked really cute and it suited you so well. Your extra weight gain made those clothes fit you more and it made you even cuter than before. The sight of you made his heart beat a little faster because he really liked what his eyes saw.

“Uhm- do you wanna, watch a movie or something” you suggest to him to break the silence. He suddenly snaps out of his trance state as you ask him to watch a movie together. He felt a little embarrassed when he remembered that fact, he never took you on a proper date so he was definitely up for it. “Sure that sounds cool” he responds, getting up and walking to your room.

Once he stepped inside, his eyes wandered again. The sight of you was just too attractive. He tried keeping himself from glancing over at you too much as he looked around your room. You noticed the way he looks at you the second he walked into the house and it made you feel insecure. Was me gaining weight really getting on his nerves that much?? Was he going to leave you? The thoughts were too much as you both ego bro the bed. You sit next to him instead of cuddling like you would normally do and that’s when he decided to speak up.

“Alright cut the crap!” He exasperates as he grabs your hips and pulls you onto his lap. You keep forgetting he’s strong enough to fucking carry you.

You start freaking out “Umeji! No I’m too heavy” you protest trying to get off of his lap, but his hands on your thighs are keeping you from getting off.

“If you were too heavy ya think I would’ve been able to carry you to the infirmary the other day? How weak do you think I am babe?” He says in return for your protesting.

You feel tears in your eyes as you still try to get off of his lap. “I was lighter and then, I weighed less! Just please, I don’t want to hurt you” you cry still trying to get off when Umeji’s grip lightens to hear you say this.

“Is that what this is all about? A little weight you put on? Baby~ you don’t needa worry about that.~” he begins to comfort you.

“No, you’re just saying that to make me feel better. I saw the way you looked at me when you first saw me at the door. I’m afraid you’re gonna leave me because of how fat I am” you cry more, letting out the baggage you’ve been carrying with you.

He pulls your head down to rest on his chest as you cry into him. Gently caressing your back. He seemed surprised at the fact that you didn't believe him. He could see no reason why he wouldn't be attracted to you. “You know I love every inch of you, your new body isn't any different. Yes, you may have put on some weight but I don't mind that at all. It doesn’t change what’s on the inside baby.”

He gently caresses your thighs, feeling your body soften as the rest of your weight falls on him. His hands roam your body as he praises you for every part of your body. His hands began to slowly roll down the waist of your shorts. The more he rolled the waistband, the more he revealed of your stomach. Seeing this made you feel a little self conscious but Umeji only looked and stared. “I love every part of you, every. fuckin. part.”

He takes your shirts off all the way and makes his way to your shirt. He lifts it up and over your head and throws both pieces of clothing to the side. “God you’re so fuckin sexy~ how could I not love you~” he praises you. He stops when he feels something wet on his crotch area.

He looks down at your pantries that have sweet spot on them. “Hm, didn’t think you’d get this turned on just by me just touching you~” he teases as he starts to take your panties off.

“D-doesn’t my body disgust you?” You ask as he smiles at you. “you kidding me? There is nothing about you that disgusts me right now. I see nothing but cute n’ sexy, just seeing you like this turns me on~” he says. Just as he says that you feel something poking at your womanhood.

You begin to take his bands off and his boxers until his half hard dick is out. You lean in to a heated kiss as you take his shirt off to reveal his laden upper half. You break the kiss to see the sight before you, his chest and torso were scattered with scars and his and his abs were prominent. “No wonder you were able to carry me so easily” you say out loud on accident, your hands trailing down his abs. “Yeah, I’ve carried heavier, trust” he laughs.

He continues the kiss as lifts you onto his cock and starts to bounce you. Your head flys back as you let out huffy moans. “Ahh~ mm fuck umeji~” you bounce yourself, all of your weight giving pressure to his cock.

You lean in for another kiss, feeling yourself get close. He then flips you over as you feel your head hit the pillow. He then starts plowing into you harder. Seeing your body ripple beneath thin only fueled his urges more.

“Yeah? You like that don’t you~ mm~ haah~” he lets out deep moans as he’s trying to hold back the real ones.

You could feel your climax comeing fast than you thought “hmm~ f-fuck I’m gonna cum~” yiu yell out as you come all over his cock.

Seeing the warm white rings of cum come out everytime he pumps in pulls him over the edge as he comes inside of you. Feeling the hot ropes of semen fill your hole.

“F-fuck~” his voice scratches as he pulls you into a kiss. “I love you and only you, don’t ever let your brain make you thing differently baby” he reassures you once more time as you two both fall asleep. “Thank you” you mumble out.

#chubby reader #umeji x reader #umeji kizuguchi #umeji kizuguchi x reader #yandere sim x reader #yandere simulator

[sparklingpax]

Y'all hear me out for a sec 😳

what if 👀

An alternative way for the Orion Pax arc to play out....had Optimus revert to before the archivist days--like, when he was off eating dirt or whatever he did before studying at Iacon and "acclimating to society" as it was put.

Aka the era in which Orion was feral

(I am so sorry for typos, I wrote this on my phone)

Just,,,imagine that scene where Megatron's stalking forward, ready to kill him, drawing out his sword.

Rather than Optimus looking up and innocently asking where they are, he gains consciousness, takes one look at Megatron, growls.

And then just!!! bites his arm!!!

After all, he has no idea who this is! Or where he is or like...whatever.

Megatron yelps in shock and surprise, grimacing. He tries to shake him off but the bite is firm and Optimus will not let go!!! Megatron starts to panic because what is this??? this wasnt supposed to happen 🤨 What????

And then the autobots come by and (after Optimus is extracted from Megatron, who immediately jets out of there, swearing revenge or something) they guide their leader through the bridge to base. The rest of the time in this arc is everyone standing around watching Optimus and trying to figure out what to do. They take turns making sure he doesn't get hurt or anything.

Meanwhile Optimus goes around poking things or spending periods of time sitting in a corner, eerily quiet and watching everyone with a sharp, wide-eyed gaze. The kids start giving him headpats (because he reminds them of a dog in some ways) and he even purrs--or the Cybertronian equivalent, not knowing what they're saying or what these life forms are, but viewing them as friendly. He enjoys their company and lets them do as they wish with him.

Maybe once, Optimus disappears, seeming to have escaped Arcee who was supposed to watch him but went on patrol instead. So everyone flips out, goes searching all over. But then Raf follows a hunch he had and goes up to the roof. And indeed, he finds Optimus up on the top of the base, sitting motionlessly, absolutely mesmerized by the sunset and the stillness of nature. He'd probably just wandered out, the boy guesses, smiling to himself. Optimus doesn't end up going back inside until the sunset is over and the sky has fully darkened. Raf shares those moments too, both of them just watching the sun, wordless. When they both come downstairs, everyone is relieved, and they all decide to watch a movie together. Optimus falls asleep against the wall before the film is over.

Then at last, one thing leads to another, matrix of leadership is restored by Vector Sigma, and Optimus goes back to normal. No one speaks of it, Optimus doesn't quite remember it, only Miko has some saved photos to remind her sometime in the future. (And a drawing or two she made during some school classes 😋)

Like please I can't be the only one who finds this kinda funny but also interesting--

#also not dunking on the orion pax arc thats literally my fave part of tfp & Im so glad it exists #however as an amusing alternative #anwyays lmfao #kuni talks #transformers #tf #transformers prime #tfp #optimus prime #orion pax #random #scenario #writing stuff #ideas #lmao #maccadam #<3 #megatron #tfp optimus prime #powered by my unwillingness to finish my anthropology notes and contemplation of multiple tfp-related things 💀 #kuniwrites #I am so uninteresting ignore me Im just in a mood 😔

[forthereaderinserts]

The Yokai Ninja

Chapter 3

[Masterlist]

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~|~

By the time Y/N started to gain consciousness, the sun had already started making its way through the sky. They knew this would happen, they had a nasty habit of waking up whenever their body felt it, but it was still nerve wracking to be so late on the first day of training. Taking a deep breath, they attempted to calm down, it was no use rushing now. Y/N took their time getting ready and making a nice breakfast to eat on the way to the training ground, it would most likely be a while before they would get a break to eat lunch after all. Picking up the pace, Y/N tried to shovel as much food into their mouth before having to face their new team.

When they reached their squad, it was well past 5 AM. Y/N could see their exhausted teammates waiting on the training field, had they really been out there since five? Naruto was slumped over on the ground, Sakura was shakily standing in place, and Sasuke was perched in a squat with his eyes glazed over. Sakura was the first to spot them, “Wha- Why are you so late?! Do you know how long we were out here?”

Naruto jerked awake at the noise, falling backwards in shock. This also seemed to snap Sasuke out of his haze. He blinked a few times, before standing up and stretching slightly. They spared them both a concerned glance before responding, “Sorry, I woke up late and I had to make breakfast. Has Kakashi-sensei shown up yet?”

Just as Sakura opened her mouth to answer, Kakashi appeared next to the group. This got the trio to stand to attention and begin chewing their sensei out. He ignored the yelling as he sent Y/N an annoyed glare. “Now that everyone’s here, we can finally get started.” Y/N rolled their eyes and tried to avoid their sensei’s gaze.

After a few seconds of silence, Kakashi cleared his throat and set a clock down on a stump. Pressing on the top, he began to explain, “This alarm is set for noon,” he pulled out some little bells on a string. “Your mission is extremely simple, all you need to do is steal these bells from me. If you can’t manage that before the alarm goes off, you’ll be tied up and left to starve while you watch me eat my lunch in front of you.” He talked with a noticeable smirk in his tone.

Y/N never felt so good about disobeying a direct order. While their squad members were complaining about how hungry they were, they had just gotten a full night's sleep and a meal in their stomach. They were brought out of their thoughts when Sakura pointed out a detail that escaped the rest of them. “Sensei, why are there only three bells? There’s four people on the team.”

Kakashi snickered again, “Duh, that way at least one of you will end up tied up and disqualified. That one’s going back to the academy today, but then again,” The energy surrounding them all became stale and full of frustration. “All four of you could flunk, too. I expect you to use any weapons you have, including kunai or shuriken. If you aren’t prepared to kill me, you’ll never be able to defeat me.”   

There was obviously more to say about his teaching styles. Sakura and Naruto took turns bringing these up. “But, sensei! That’s too dangerous!” “Plus, you couldn’t even dodge that eraser! Are you sure you want us to go all out?”

Kakashi looked serious now, “Class clowns, the weakest links, it’s usually safe to just ignore them. Low scores, low skill, complete losers.” He brought his attention back to the rest of the group as Naruto was left to stir in anger. “When I say go, you can start.”

Enraged by being mocked again, Naruto let out a shout and charged at Kakashi-sensei. The genin watch in awe as the younger boy is immediately taken over. Like a flash of light, Naruto’s nose was in the dirt and Kakashi was behind him holding the kunai to the back of his head. “Honestly, you guys are starting to annoy me.” The three watching held nothing but fear and respect for the older teen. He was a dangerous opponent and it would take more than just running in there to take him down. 

Everyone moved to get away as he spoke again, “You did come at me like you were going to kill me, though. However, next time, don’t be so impulsive, that might end up getting you killed.” Tension was high as they all prepared for his next move. “Get ready, and start!”

As soon as Kakashi started the exercise, everyone jumped off in different directions and started strategizing their attack. All but Y/N, who trailed behind and tried to catch Naruto’s attention. They had no doubt that, despite his young age, they would never be able to beat Kakashi on their own; they needed to coordinate and work together to overwhelm the jonin. 

“Hey, Naruto, come here.” This barely caught the boy’s attention, it seemed he was still upset about being pinned to the ground. “Naruto, what’s the plan, man? How are we gonna do this?”

He didn’t even turn before responding, “No way! I gotta do this on my own, I’m not gonna let him humiliate me like this! Believe it!”

Y/N sighed before nodding. It seemed like they would have to rely on Sasuke for the extra man-power. They tried to recall which direction he had gone, before deciding to just search blindly and hope Kakashi was too busy with Naruto to follow. During this whole interaction, Kakashi kept an attentive gaze on Y/N.

Finding Sasuke was easier said than done. He was inexperienced, but he was still the best student in class. They found him high up in the trees, watching Kakashi easily avoid Naruto’s attacks, if you could even call them that.

“Hey-” Y/N threw their arms up just in time to block an attack. “Just me! Just me, calm down.” They struggled to keep a straight face, laughing would make sure the stubborn Uchiha never worked with them again. “Sorry, I uh, sorry. So, uhm, what’s your plan? For the bells?”

Sasuke gave them a strange look, like they had told some awful joke. He resumed glaring daggers at the pair in the field, “Why should I tell you? I need to get that bell and I can’t do it if you’re weighing me down.”

Well, that was a kick to the face. At this point, the only thing they could do was give up. Y/N wouldn’t even try with Sakura, chances are she would only want to work with Sasuke. They would never beat Kakashi alone and no one was willing to work together; they figured it would be better to admit defeat than make a fool of themself. They sighed once more and dropped out of the tree without a second glance to their teammate. Even if he was impossible to work with, it wouldn’t be fair to reveal him.

As Y/N stepped out from the tree line, Kakashi was turning towards them. How perfectly timed, it appeared that Naruto had also given up on his flailing. The tension was frightening, his one visible eye catching every twitch in their body. He was like a predator stalking his prey, and Y/N had just blindly strolled into his den.

The adrenaline from Sasuke’s attack and the sudden, overwhelming fear of being targeted by this dangerous ninja sent them into a panic. They acted on the first impulse that came to mind and immediately tried making themselves look as non threatening as possible. Throwing their arms up in surrender, they started babbling nonsense and inching closer to the teen in front of them.

“Hey! Phew, I’m saying that a lot today, huh! Well, you wouldn’t know–” Kakashi cut them off before they could make this anymore painful, “If you’re trying to distract me while someone else takes the bells, it’s not going to work.”

At the mention of their teammates, Y/N deflates. Their brow wrinkles as they adopt a sour look, “No, unfortunately, I’m just an idiot. I’ve been trying to get them to work together with me, but they’re too stubborn. I can’t get that bell on my own, so I figured I should just take the loss and let them try. Those two want this more than me, anyways.”

Kakashi seemed to relax at their words, his gaze turning inquisitive, like he was fascinated by the confession. “Have you tried asking Sakura? She might need help.” 

Y/N was childishly kicking the dirt, comfortable with the truce that had been established, “That’s a joke right? She’s so obsessed with Sasuke, she wouldn’t notice if she was on fire.” That got a laugh from their sensei. They continued their rant, “None of these guys understand that we aren’t strong enough to take you one-on-one. They’re so focused on doing it their way, they-”

Kakashi raised a brow at the pause. He was standing with his arms crossed, leaning backwards slightly. He looked excited now. “That’s the point though, isn’t it. You set us up, pit us against each other to see if we could work together under pressure.” Kakashi was moving now, coming to a stop just in front of them. Y/N stood up straight, not wavering as he leaned in close.

“Well, aren’t you a smart little mink? 

Fighting through the shock and embarrassment, Y/N managed to get out a response, “Fitting, with how you’ve been watching me like a hungry fox. Are you going to eat me up, sensei?” Much to their surprise, Kakashi choked on his breath and froze up. His face turned a dangerous shade of red as he struggled to come up with a reply. 

“Such tough words for someone who can’t even hold a conversation. A little disappointing if you ask me.” As they said this, they tried to reach for one of the bells.

They were just about to make contact when their wrist was snatched. They jerked backwards and their eyes shot up to meet Kakashi’s. His blush had faded to a soft pink, and his eyes burned in a heated glare. Though, there was no malice to be found. Only shame in being caught so off-guard that he’d almost let you beat him.

When it was clear that he had no intentions of going any further, Y/N admitted defeat once more. They were prideful, sure, but even they knew when to throw in the towel. “You’re a sharp one, Fox. I thought you were still trying to think of a good comeback.”

He turned his head to the side, his blush getting brighter. “Whatever, that was just a fluke. Don’t expect that to work next time.” Y/N grinned, “Next time?”

“Shut up!” His voice raised in pitch, how was it so easy to mess with this kid? “Stay put, I’m going to go check on the others.” They watched as he stormed off, rubbing his face to try and get rid of his blush. They didn’t know if any of their teammates were in that direction, and they doubted that Kakashi knew either, but he had surprised them so many times today.

#naruto imagines #naruto x reader #naruto harem #harem x reader #naruto uzumaki x reader #sasuke x reader #sakura x reader #kakashi x reader #kakashi hatake x reader #The Yokai Ninja #mod kini

[spectrelove]

i turned 25 yesterday.

i went out on a limb and had some people over to celebrate. ive been so stressed that i thought doing something with friends one night might be a relief. but my social anxiety just rocketed thru the roof. an hour had gone by and nobody had showed up yet after i spent the day literally racing around to make sure everything was ready in time and i started to get sick to my stomach. people started to show up and it was fine one by one, showing them around and having a moment with them to catch up, but soon i just felt so scattered, and my hearing disability can't pick up specific words in chatter and noisy din, so i just got frazzled and distracted, and every time i joined a conversation i wanted to be a part of it would come to a dead halt. it was a whole heap of mini-interactions that deepened my self-loathing with every swing, the self-loathing that i thought i had healed waaaay more than this. i even took 3x the amount of beta blockers that i usually do and it did nothing to alleviate the sensation i was going thru. here are all the friends i love in my living room and i hate myself so much, i feel so pathetic and far away from all of them.

i realized that today when i was reflecting on it, all wet and weepy and emotionally drained. soggy. last night cast stage lights on that excruciating feeling of alienation that i've been sinking in since i gained consciousness. not to sound edgy but it was like my embryonic fluid. idk why i was born with it already settled in my stomach like a copper egg. it's even shittier because all of these people love me, they tell me they do, and they showed up for me because they care about me, and by the end of the night i was so upset by them. nobody got too drunk or anything like that, everyone was just kinda on one. i kept getting interrupted, i couldn't get a word in, i couldn't figure out who was saying what to whom, and i felt so vapid anytime i did finally say something. just felt so fucking lame and flimsy. i kept looking at a*** across the room and wishing i was just with him. every time he laughed i felt squeezed.

annie even baked me such a cute cake and i was so overstimulated and out of my body that i couldnt taste it. while we were all trying it in the kitchen i held back tears. i think it's just that i've been so extremely stressed for the last 2 months, and trying really, really hard to keep my shit together and improve myself, re-structure my routines, work doubles to try to pay rent and attend class while doing so, putting critical thought into my own self-development, make goals having to do with personal finance, and meanwhile getting like,,, maybe 45% from the people around me, i mean, it's like running thru quicksand and im already so burnt out. i was looking for a night with ppl i love where i could feel goofy and relaxed. but i remembered why i used to drink so heavily. it was to run away from this fucking feeling.

while the last 4 were leaving at 1am i was trying my best to usher them to the front door because i couldn't hold back the tears anymore. 25, i'm not gonna have a crisis, because i'm getting my fucking shit together before i can. but 25 and you can try as hard as you want because you can't predict shit and it's always gonna be difficult. 25 and you can't rely on expectations. 25, whatever, it's all gonna be ok. a*** had to drive b back to their place so i knew he was gonna have to leave. he kissed me and brought me in to hug me and asked if i had a good birthday. all i could do was sort of nod because i couldn't even lie. i held onto him and when we pulled away i tried to hide my eyes. he actually left. and c******* did too. and my stomach dropped, the fucking copper egg dude, that confirmation that no matter how hard i try i will never feel like i'm on the same plane as the people i love, i will always feel this fucking loneliness.

i locked the door and just like immediately had a total nervous breakdown....haha.... trying to muffle the sobs on my couch, i felt crazy. shaking, seeing static, feeling sorry for myself. it's so pathetic. maybe it's also largely the fear that my medication isn't working, that im not as removed from the bad depressive episodes as i thought i was. i like couldn't believe that a*** just left too. and after all this, spending the day i took off to prepare something nice for other people, the very thing i like decided to do, i was left alone in the party debris circling the drain. but here's where i found a mark of change. when i saw what i looked like in the bathroom mirror, i decided to reach out and ask for help instead of rotting in my own dark spiral like i always do. and i texted a*** i actually really did not want to be alone and that i was upset. i missed a call from him a minute later and he texted me "im coming back!" while i was cleaning dishes and trying to stop the crying he knocked on my door and when he saw the way my makeup was running he almost started laughing with that surprised "aw, oh my god" and he hugged me so hard. like really held the back of my head to his chest and he let me bury my face into him and i started crying again, and he kept me there so tight and let me cry. i just kept apologizing.

he said he knew i was feeling that way and that he could see it all in my eyes and that he was going to call me when he got home after dropping buckley off. he said he saw me stare off into space when everyone was in the kitchen. im still thinking about it, how he was tuned into me the whole night.

things have been a little rocky with us because i've been extremely stressed out and he's been depressed. but he has been so sweet to me these past couple of days and im crying just thinking about it. ive been so weepy and sensitive lately. :( tuesday night he came to dinner with my family and was super present and held my hand and in the parking lot he walked me to his car cuz he said he had something for me and handed me a gorgeous bouquet of roses. and of course i burst into tears! ive never been given roses before!! and i wasn't expecting anything. i've been feeling so distant from him and that gesture just brought me back. and after i went home to put them in water i drove across the street to his and we played video games and then had sex for the first time in a minute and it was really loving and hot and lingering and he was paying a lot of attention to me and into me and focusing on making me cum. and that's how i could tell that my mind is seriously off right now, because i couldn't let myself drop into the experience like normal. i could barely feel it like i usually do. and this is the thing that i basically crave. but after i was just racing thoughts and out of body again. after, he played bass while i lay close to him, and we talked about music and he showed me some new riffs and stuff and i was happy to be with him. i tried to tell him i was not good and he was genuinely concerned but i couldn't verbalize that i needed him to, like, essentially smother me to make me feel secure again. we got down into bed and put on hackers and at one point i mentioned something about big boobs, a joke, and was like if i had big tits i would have a whole different personality. i don't think it would be good for me." and, like truly an excellent burn cuz he was joking too, he was like "yea, youd have a lot more personality." but im so insecure right now that i like fought back tears and felt that comment grip my ribs and he saw my face fall and felt so bad, apologizing and telling me it was a joke, and pulling me in and kissed my forehead and face a bunch and it alleviated it. i don't know why i feel so shitty about myself right now. he held me to his chest and cradled my head and let me sleep, telling me to get rest because i had been up since 7a. he held me the whole night. at one point i woke up and our foreheads were pressed together so hard, really jamming our heads together in our sleep. and when i woke up to leave in the morning, i kissed him goodbye and, all sleepy and cute and quiet he said "happy birthday". my heart skipped.

before the party he came over to help me get ready. i have the pretty red lace top that corset laces down the back and he spent a long time lacing it up for me, making sure it was perfect, and it was quiet and sweet and romantic. and he picked my skirt to go with it. at one point it had come undone and, automatically and in front of everyone, he fixed it, tying it up, asking me if it was too tight, and it felt so loving, he was really doting on me, and i felt fragile and sweet. in that moment i had the thought that we would be happily married.

and here he was, having already resolved to come back -- i looked at the ground behind him and he had brought an overnight bag. and he absolutely took care of me. he let me rant and wiped my tears and he made me laugh. "don't birthdays suck? i told you." i know!!! he gave me such a great pep talk, and validated me for all the hard work ive been doing, called out all the idiots, and we related on everything, we really are the same person like he said back when we first started dating, and by the end i felt 100x better. he let me hold onto him as long as i wanted. and we talked about our relationship too, unexpectedly, and it was all of the validation that ive really been needing. "i feel lucky, too. you're so awesome, and fucking hot, and cute and goofy and smart. im really happy to be with you." and he genuinely complimented my outfit. and he reassured me that everyone had fun. and he didnt judge me at all when i told him about how everyone made me feel, he took it all in stride. he really understood.

he helped me clean up more, and while we were in the kitchen we were talking about funny cats and i said that i really am gonna get a cat within these next few months, that it's time. and he goes "i know, ive been thinking im gonna get one too. it would just be really nice to have one to hang out with." and then he said that we should get one. i was genuinely exhilarated, it felt like my heart actually opened. "really???" "yeah :)" "i would love that!!!! i think about that all the time! I think we would have a really great cat." and general timeline is within the few months. i asked him where it would stay and he said it should be at my place. i joked about shared custody. we joked about if it's a shitty cat we could rehome it and try again. but the idea of us having a cat together has filled me with so much hope again. and we started getting ready for bed, brushing our teeth together and changing into comfy clothes and talking and laughing the whole time, and it felt like we really lived together in my place, our own space, and it felt fun!! i felt so much better with him! and natural and at ease. and looking at him over the bed i had that thought again that we could have a really lovely, fun, and safe life together. we talked about the beginning. he said i was an obvious flirt with him. apparently when we went inside hotel vegas for the show i smiled at him and reached out and touched his arm. i was like shocked pikachu. and then defended myself but defeated, admitted that of course i thought he was cute. but why didn't he respond to my message the next day after we hung out all night? it left the impression that he had bitches, considering his status as hot rawk starr in a metal band. he said he was nervous. it had been a long time since he had talked to anyone or been with anyone. i reveled in how everything has panned out. i told him that i was such a freak with him because he is everything i prayed for in a partner, and when i met him i was like no way would this guy be into me. but i get to be with the person i used to visualize. and he seemed actually moved by that. kissed me soft and sweet.

we snuggled down into my bed and he put on the two towers because he's a perfect boyfriend who knows what's gonna calm me down. i was like "ugh!!! this is what my day should have been like!!!! can we do this next year?!" he was like "lotr extended edition marathon? with themed snacks?" i kissed him all over his face. he fell asleep in minutes and i loved the whole moment.

#journal

[ohanahoku-ao3]

Whumptober Day 21

Have some more Steve Harrington whump, cause he's one of my faves. <3

Teen & Up - Gen - Stranger Things

Learning to Fight

     It started with Jonathan, at least, in retrospect. While Steve wasn't protecting anyone at that point, that incident made it abundantly clear that he couldn't fight. It continued with Steve trying to protect the kids and getting his face beat in by Billy. It was painfully apparent that Steve had to learn how to fight to protect the kids.

     The problem this posed, however, was that Steve wasn't one to start fights for no reason. Not anymore. He had changed and grown as a person, and he wasn't about to pick fights at random just for a chance to expand his meager skill.

     He thought briefly of taking classes, but there were none in Hawkins, and while he wasn't opposed to driving out of town, he was short on cash for the expense lessons posed after his parents mostly cut him off to teach him responsibility,

     The thing with the Russians happened, and Steve got a lucky K-O with one guy but never stood a chance of fighting the others. If he had, Robin could have run with the kids. Maybe then she wouldn't share his nightmares of bone saws and needles and death.

     Like many others, Steve found himself without a job when the mall burned. But while he and Robin found work, many were left jobless, and the economic loss opened a gate of opportunity that Steve would have never seen coming. An underground fight ring moved into Hawkins, providing the unemployed a chance to make money, whether by fighting or betting on the fights. It was dangerous to get involved, and either method could have disastrous consequences. Still, for Steve, who was looking for a way to improve his fighting and not looking for any monetary gain, it was exactly the opportunity he needed.

     The first day he joined, the manager took one look at him and laughed in his face. But he accepted him into the ring, jokingly daring anyone to bet he'd last longer than two minutes.

     No one was surprised when he lost, but Steve shocked everyone when he lasted five whole minutes against a man twice as muscular as him. That was one thing that Steve had already learned over the years: how to take a punch and keep fighting until they wrested away the option with his consciousness.

     The manager took a liking to Steve after that, and Steve had a standing invitation to fight whenever he was available, so Steve was there most weeks, sometimes on multiple days. He avoided the worry in Robin's eyes, played dumb around the kids, and shut Nancy's curiosity down with horrid, spiteful words that he hated saying but had to if he wanted to keep his friends out of it. He was doing it for them, but he knew they'd hate his methods if they knew the full story.

     Steve fought with everything he had, uncaring that he came away bruised and injured, so long as he managed to land at least a couple of hits. And slowly, he did improve. His punches were better aimed and thrown harder. His fists were almost always cracked and bleeding by the end, but Steve had started winning fights, so he didn't care.

     He fought through the injuries his worst battles gave him, through split lips and black eyes, broken noses and sore jaws, bruises, and even fractures on occasion. Yet, whether he came out bruised or bleeding, he went right back to the ring, determined to win the next time his friends needed him to fight.

     One day, after a brutal fight that left Steve's ears ringing and his breath stilted with another rib cracked, he sat along the wall with the other fighters. Some of them were young, some old. It was one of the older men who spoke to him, a man whom Steve saw often in the ring- A man who lost more often than Steve. "Y'know, I jus' can't figure you out, kid." The man said, chuckling as Steve held a cold water bottle to a bruise on his temple. "Y're too young to have a family to provide fer, don't seem to care much 'bout the money at all, really. Ya fight to win, but don't seem to hold a grudge if ya lose. Ya don't keep beating someone after they's down like some of 'em do, neither."

     In annoyance, Steve glanced at the man, not one for chit-chat after a rough fight. "You getting to a question here or what?" He asked, leaning his head back against the wall and swallowing down copper as blood trickled into the back of his throat thanks to a loose tooth.

     The man didn't seem offended and nodded his head. "Yep. See, all of us 'ere got chains 'round our feet, boy. They keep us trapped 'ere. Mine's there 'cause I need the dough, but I can't get a handle on yers."

     Steve side-eyed the man briefly before his face cracked with a sardonic grin. "That's because you don't know me, old man." Steve heaved himself up off the floor, looking down at the man. "I'm not here because I'm trapped. See, the chains around my feet? I'm here to break them."

     He walked away and didn't even pause when the man called after him and asked just how he planned on doing that. He knew the answer but had no reason to respond. Steve had vowed to protect the party, and he would only be able to do that when he could beat anyone in a fight. Only that would break the chains; only then could he keep them safe.

     Thus, Steve kept fighting, training for the next battle with no idea that he had zero chance of beating who awaited them in the future.

#whumptober2023 #no.21 #see the chains around my feet #vows #stranger things #fic #mild violence tw #mentions of blood tw #fanfiction #read on ao3 #ao3 fanfiction #fanfic #ao3 #ao3 link #ao3 fanfic #steve harrington

[libulanns]

If I may be critical of women for a moment... and as a disclaimer, I live in a highly neoliberal/liberal feminist city, and I am an older gen Z and am talking about women my age 21-27, but I am getting really tired of women who keep doubling down on horrible views and actions rather than to admit that they supported something that was wrong. It's something literally everyone, males and females do, but before moving to this area, I've never seen women do it to what feels like the same degree as men. Like women will literally start prostituting themselves than to admit that it was wrong of them to help normalize Onlyfans as a career option to middle and high school girls. They never admit it was wrong of them to help normalize hookup culture/"having a ho phase," they'll tell stories about how horrible it made them feel when they did it and imparted lasting psychological damage and issues with intimacy onto them, but they still won't call it a mistake and insist that they gained something valuable out of it and refuse to discourage others from going through the same, either out of an unwillingness to admit they were wrong, out of a fear of offending others, or both. Like can you please just admit you were wrong and the suffering that stemmed from it was actually just needless? Can we just be okay with saying, "hey, I made this decision and it was a horrible mistake, I really advise you don't do the same." to other women and especially girls? Why does everything have to come with a disclaimer of "I did this and I PERSONALLY as an INDIVIDUAL who is an OUTLIER did n ot have a good experience with this, but if that works for you/makes you happy, then go for it!" Individualism really rots the brain.

And I am not fully blaming women who do this here, because obviously these norms are prevailing in the culture right now, and because of the way we're socalized, a lot of us probably really do believe we're outliers and that this kind of thing really can and does work for others. But some are indeed capable of realizing that this isn't true, and still choose to keep it to themselves. We're all young adults here, and I'm moreso talking to the mid 20s crowd with this point, but, at some point we need to accountability for stuff, too.

I guess I'm complaining about several different but interconnecting things here. I'm just a little tired of it, it gets hard to work with women who have this mentality/take this approach to social issues. I just feel like this mentality is at the root of what will prevent us from truly gaining class consciousness. It is a brick wall I keep running into. I feel like we're so close, because even in a city like this, I still make connections with women from different backgrounds, who are still libfems, every day in the real world. We're almost there so it feels especially frustrating.

#long rant sorry

[lillygene]

Me When I Realize I Never Posted My Writing Examples - Rat

Wow... shame on me huh? As compensation here are two stories I typed up recently! They are in relation to my own Call Of Duty oc, as well as Calmly.mangled on Tiktok's character.

Evelyn belongs to me, while Teddy/Cameron is Mangled's character!

Content Warning: Violence, alcohol, me pretending I know anything about the military in the slightest!

It had only taken five minutes for the first guy to hit the ground with an ugly smack. His nose was twisted up awkwardly, and his eyes had rolled back into his head long before his body stopped falling. 

Before that, Cameron had actually been enjoying himself. He was freshly nineteen, and a good year and a half into his days in the service. He had signed up for the marines the moment he could, he was hardly a day into his seventeenth year around the sun when he made the conscious decision to apply himself. 

The marines had been the obvious choice, for a few reasons. The one that sat heavy on the forefront of his mind was his father’s legacy. Left behind for him to shoulder. Cameron’s father had been in the army. He was damn good at it, too. There was nobody who could deny that. His father was good at his job. 

Now, what that actually meant for the boy was a different story. He’d spent seventeen years with a man who didn’t understand the expression to leave your work at the door. His home life had been work just as well. At least he had treated it as such. 

Army, they had a certain way of doing things. A particular way, it was their own. Cameron had a legacy to uphold, but it was also like second nature. He was raised on those ways, he didn’t really know anything besides the army. 

It had been a perfect choice in hindsight. He was going to make it into the military, one way or another, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t choose something for himself. Marines and army. They never got along. Then again, you could have said that for basically any branch of any force. Secret service versus the bureaucrats. Bureaucrats versus the military. Ok, it was really everyone versus the bureaucracy, then anyone versus each other. 

But the Marines and the Army had a long standing rivalry, one that was highlighted more prominently than the others. Usually it was seen as some inside joke. A way for civilians to nudge their buddy and go ‘Yeah, those Marines, right?’ 

There was a severity to it however. The army had their way, the marines had their own. It was a whole new playing field to adjust to, but Cameron was actually pretty good at that. 

See, the second reason for joining the military had to do with yet another thing the boy had put up with all his life. He was a fish out of water, for reasons uncontrollable by him. Cameron had always been, and still was, a large body amidst the crowd. He stood at 7’3, with the scale leaning well into the 200s. 

He could remember a time back in grade school, a time that set the precedent for the rest of his life. People had always commented on how tall he was when he was growing up, but they had always been harmless jokes. ‘Your boy is so big! Tell him to stop growing for me, okay?’ The ladies across the street would coo. Or his father’s coworkers would smack him on the back with a big grin. ‘He’ll make a fine young man, strong too.’ 

None of the kids in his class said that. It was around the time everyone was gaining consciousness. Which was really bad news for Cameron. He looked different than everyone, he talked differently too. Courtesy of his old man. 

Most ignored him, some stared in confusion or concern. However the isolation was the best part, sometimes he was met with a challenge. Someone didn’t like him because he was different. It scared them. People do stupid things when they’re scared. ‘What are you looking at?’ He remembered the first time a kid a year above him had asked him that. 

Nine years in the future he was hearing those words again. On a Tuesday night in an un-crowded bar, just ten minutes from base. Except they didn’t come from a scrawny boy with braces. It came from a man who stood level with his neck, glaring up into his eyes. 

Technically, Cameron shouldn’t have been there at all. He was only nineteen after all, far from the legal drinking age. He definitely looked the part however, and nobody ever died from a sip. Not really at least. Now he was wondering otherwise. 

“What are you looking at, punk?” The man asked again. Apparently from his quiet position on the uncomfortable bar stools, he had let his sight wander onto the agitated figure. It wasn’t anything personal, he had just been in his thoughts for a spell. Just staring without a word, indignation present on his features. He was paying attention now, and what was looking at him wasn’t really pretty. The man had to be older than him by just a few years, but he looked worse off. When he spoke his teeth barred, they were almost rotten. He had a bad haircut, too. Both on his head and his face. It looked like he had done it piss-drunk. Given the way he was talking, maybe he had. 

“Nothing really.” Cameron shrugged. Bad move. 

“Wrong answer.” 

And it had been, just not for Cameron. Two figures behind the grotesque man stood up. Their stools scraped loudly against the wooden flooring. The noise alerted the other people in the room. The bartender, two women in their forties in a corner booth, an elderly man, and two more men. The two men were seated near the door, and only one of them reacted past the initial concerned glance. He stood up, joined the three forms in front of Cameron. They looked like a real gnarly group. The part was definitely played well. Growing beards, deep nicks in their skin. There was some hardened muscle he saw peaking through their relatively worn clothes. 

He weighed his options, placed his drink down and swiveled in his seat. “How so?” 

There was no teasing tone to his voice, nothing that could have been taken as anything but just a question. The men didn’t see it that way. It was a challenge. The first guy snarled, like a wild hog. 

“Cause there’s four of us and one of you.” 

Cameron paused for a moment. Technically, the guy was doing everything right. There were four men standing together, and on the outside they looked like a real United force. But that was often a pipe dream. A fantasy thought up to dispel the action before it even happened. Some of the time it worked, most of the time it didn’t. Once the big guy went down, a good portion would get cold feet. In any group, from three to a thousand men. Someone always tried to worm themselves out. 

“Are you sure about this?” Cameron asked, he was beginning to stand now. Not to fight, not just yet.  

The guy opened his mouth to say something, his fist had begun to raise. But he never got the chance to speak, as his lips parted, Cameron’s hand shot forward. The cigarette punch was something he had seen his dad perform before, even in the comforts of his own home. It gets it’s name from the action. You offer a guy a cigarette, and when he goes to open his mouth you bust him in the jaw. 

Except Cameron’s hands were large, and the guy’s mouth was small. He had accomplished his goal of knocking some of his teeth loose (if not, out completely), but he had also hit his nose pretty hard. Which could have been a bad thing. It was an easy way to kill a man. He got a decent look at him from his position on the floor. His hands were starting to cup his face and he was turning white. 

“You should help your buddy out. He needs it.” 

Two men looked at each other, and then down at the first guy. The second in command, he had guessed, rushed towards him with a fiery expression. It was a futile attempt. He didn’t try punching Cameron, which in itself was smart. But he had attacked him all the same, which wasn’t. 

He barreled forward with his arms outstretched, trying to pile drive him into the back wall. His shoulder hit Cameron’s gut harshly, but he only slid a few inches backwards. The taller of the two just stared down at the pathetic attempt. He huffed a little, then promptly locked his arms around the guy’s own waist. He mimicked his movements, but he wasn’t trying to push this guy. 

Instead he lifted him up, and slung him over his shoulder. It was a mostly effortless movement, if not for the weak kicks and punches in attempt to free himself. He wanted to be let down? Fine. He launched the guy over his back. He heard the thud against the ground first, then he spun on his heel and kicked the guy square in his chest before he could try and stand again. 

He would be surprised if he walked away without a few broken ribs. Two down. The math was working in his favor. 

Cameron’s dad’s lessons hadn’t all been awful. He always spoke about getting the first hit in. Usually the advice went better for smaller fighters. They had to get the first hit in. If they didn’t, there was a fifty percent chance they wouldn’t get any in. They’d be dead on the floor before the thought could cross their mind. Cameron never needed that, he was a big guy. He withstood a lot. 

But he had a pretty big ego too. So he always liked getting the first hit in, if he had to. Which meant he didn’t wait around for one to get him. He watched the remaining guy’s reactions. One dropped to the floor, the other stared at him like mad. 

See, someone always gave in. A smile graced his tight jaw. He took two big steps forward, two steps and he was standing inches from the last fighter. He, too, tried to raise his fist to punch up at Cameron. But their height difference meant he was swinging like a baseball bat. All it took was a calm side step, and the man’s punch made contact with the air. He had put so much energy into the movement that the follow through left him stumbling over himself. 

Then he was falling. 

Cameron watched the movement, almost like it was in slow motion. He thought yet again, then decided there would be consequences if he let himself wind up another punch. So instead he twisted, and brought his forearm forward. It was a heavy blow to the side of the guy’s temple, and it stalled his falling trajectory. He stumbled again, then the pain set in and he hit the floor like a ton of bricks. 

His arm hurt, a lot more than a punch would have. He went out of his way to not give the guy permanent brain damage. He was doing him a favor. Cameron sneered, and rubbed his arm softly. It would probably bruise in the morning. But it wasn’t broken, so he didn’t mind all too much. 

There was silence, nobody said a thing. Nobody even moved. His head turned to the guy at the bar. He continued to massage his limb. “You see anything?” Cameron asked, raising a brow. 

The bartender didn’t look as shocked as the other patrons did. He just shrugged, tossed a towel over his shoulder. “Nothing.” 

“Not a thing.” He said again, this time louder. Not for Cameron’s sake, but for the women trembling in the corner. They got the hint, nodded towards Cameron. He felt a little bad, making them scared. But it was for his own good. He just sent three guys to the hospital, he didn’t need to be paying their bills too. 

He didn’t get the chance to ask the question to the fourth guy, he was clutching the first guy and shaking him awake. When he noticed his stare he seemed to shrink even more. “Nothing!” He called from the floor, his hands shaking. He looked like a terrified dog. 

“Really, nothing.” Cameron spoke with a grin, directed at the group. 

With his final words, he turned to the exit, but not before placing two twenty dollar bills on the counter. It wasn’t a lot, but then again nothing had been broken. Nothing that the bartender should have cared about anyways. He heard a dial tone, and the frantic words being pushed out to the operators on the other line.  

He had half a mind to turn around and watch the conversation. Then he heard a string of words that made him smile yet again. ‘It was some crazy accident. I don’t know how it happened.’ 

He didn’t need to stick around, he was sure the guy had enough sense to keep up with the lie. Cameron made it to the door and opened it with a shove. The cool evening air hit him. 

Then, without much thought to it, he turned his gaze in the direction of base and started walking.

I'm realizing how long this post is so I'll make a part two </3!

#call of duty fanfic #call of dooty #cod #cod mw2 #call of duty #modern warfare #not beta read #we die like men #ghost call of duty #soap call of duty #rat writes #cod ocs #cod oc #call of duty oc

[feluka]

I posted 3,724 times in 2022

686 posts created (18%)

3,038 posts reblogged (82%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@odysseys-blood

@feluka

@antivan-surana

@cheshirepirouette

@slydiddledeedee

I tagged 2,537 of my posts in 2022

Only 32% of my posts had no tags

#0 - 70 posts

#tales of the abyss - 470 posts

#queue - 464 posts

#for heroes there are trials. for saints there are temptations. for me there is queue. - 318 posts

#luke fon fabre - 132 posts

#jade curtiss - 119 posts

#zero escape - 105 posts

#tales of symphonia - 105 posts

#cats - 92 posts

#ace attorney - 81 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#my post is getting quoted on discord??? that's awesome and makes me happy. i hope you all have a good laugh out of this for a long time ♡♡♡

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

"Jumpy, have you ever heard the name, [Goncharov]?"

-Goncharov... Can't say it rings a bell. Is that some sort of scientist?

"It's a movie, actually. About the Italian mob. Goncharov is the eponymous protagonist."

-Hang on a second, Italian? I thought Goncharov was a Russian name.

"Well, yes. But the movie takes place in Italy. That's not important right now. What's strange about this movie is, although it was supposedly released in 1973, it only gained attention in 2022."

-Almost five decades later... marketing really flubbed that one, huh?

"That's not it. The movie doesn't exist."

-Wait, what? What do you mean it doesn't exist?

"It never did. There was never a movie called Goncharov. Only one day in 2022 the internet started talking about it as if it was real. As if everyone had already seen it."

-That... that has to be a prank, right? I mean it wouldn't be the first time the internet took a liking to spreading lies, would it?

"That's true. Especially on tumblr, where the phenomenon originated. But what if there's more to it? What if the knowledge of that movie was "plucked" from some alternative timeline where the movie was critically acclaimed, and "transmitted" to our timeline through fields invisible to the naked eye?"

-C'mon. That's insane. Isn't it way more likely that tumblr was, y'know, being tumblr?

"Maybe. But isn't it strange that the name of the movie, its director, its cast of characters, the actors playing them, and the year of its release was unanimously agreed upon by one of the most inconsistent and chaotic blogging websites out there?"

-Th... that's...

"I'm not done yet. Not only that, but the events of story, the relationships between the characters, interviews with the cast, audio recordings of the movie score, fandom discourse, and multiple gifsets of the movie footage started appearing on everyone's dashboards. And none of the information contradicted each other."

-!

-(Could that really be? A movie that was transmitted to the public consciousness from another timeline...?)

2,509 notes - Posted November 22, 2022

#4

3,172 notes - Posted November 4, 2022

#3

straight girls hanging out: omggg ilysm 😍 my baby my gf my wifey my everything love of my life. you have bitched me body and soul

gay girls hanging out: are you familiar with cantarella? it’s something that was used by the borgia family in italy long ago. a poison. how do you like these cookies? i made them myself. what a coincidence. i put posion in your tea. that tea is delicious. so are these cookies.

3,627 notes - Posted July 29, 2022

#2

some classes look like this

4,278 notes - Posted October 19, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

just accidentally said 'sensory overlord' instead of overload today in therapy. new neurodivergent final boss just dropped

10,932 notes - Posted July 24, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#year in review #LMAO I REBLOGGED FROM MYSELF THE MOST?? THAT DOESNT SOUND RIGHT #also yeah tota being no. 1 sounds right #also hiiii xiomara hiii cliff hiii slydiddledeedee hii cheshirepirouette hii friends!!! sorry if i ever clogged your notes!!

[italiantnea]

#3/ Us, on the other side I'd be there for you

And then the Yark thinks of all the children he’s eaten. And as if to gain some smidgen of forgiveness, he finds it hardly unjust to be eaten in his turn.

-The Yark, Bertrand Santini

#3-1_otogiri_tobi/ the door, open

prev: 2-3 // next: 3-2

-----

He wasn't scared, and he didn't particularly feel sick. Otogiri Tobi’s heart was just pounding extremely quickly.

“Don’t look.” Baku said.

Don't look, Tobi. he said.

It might not have been “Don’t look”, but “You don't have to look.”

Why, he wondered.

Tobi couldn't tear his eyes away from the girl lying face down in the courtyard. The girl lay in a pool of blood. That pool of blood was gaining more ground by the second. Her fingers, arms, and legs twitched and spasmed.

“Don’t!”

Someone covered Tobi’s eyes.

It was the janitor Haizaki.

“You shouldn’t look! Don’t look, Otogiri-kun…!”

He only had hazy memories of what happened after that.

Ambulances came, if he recalled correctly. Police, too. The police asked him lots of questions. He thought he responded honestly to everything he was asked. It seemed like class was suspended for the afternoon. Right as Tobi got out of the school, all the students were leaving the school. 

A facility staff member had come to pick him up by car. He didn't want that, but he bore with it and rode the staff’s car back to the facility.

The school was closed for a couple of days. After that, they headed into the weekend. Tobi read the books lying around the facility, zoned out, talked with Baku about whatever, and dozed off. He didn't feel like going outside.

What had happened to Takatomo flashed in his head from time to time. But Tobi hadn’t known her that well. Actually, he hadn't known her at all. He hadn’t even known her full name, ‘Takatomo Miyuki’, until he heard it from a police officer. There was no point in thinking about someone he didn't even know. He didn't even have material to think about in the first place.

Why had Takatomo jumped?

Tobi had no way of knowing.

On Monday morning, as Tobi left the facility, he was told by a staff member that he didn't have to force himself to go to school. Tobi ignored them.

“You alright with that?” Baku asked.

“With what?” Tobi asked back.

Baku didn't respond.

The teacher with the black-rimmed glasses stood at the school gate. He usually gave a baleful look at him, but this morning when he spotted Tobi, he pushed his glasses and looked down.

“Everything’s messed up…” Baku muttered.

Tobi changed his shoes at the shoe box and headed to the classroom. Something felt missing, or rather, he felt a little let down.

He realized just as he walked into the classroom.

It was because Shiratama hadn't been waiting for him.

Class 3 of year 2 was quiet. It wasn't like everyone was silent. There were students talking amongst themselves too. But their voices were noticeably quieter than usual. Everyone talked reservedly. There was no laughter to be heard. No one was laughing.

Shiratama was sitting at her seat. When she saw Tobi, she stood up. Then, for some reason, she bowed.

“Good morning.”

“...Good morning.”

He felt the gazes of his classmates. A good half of the students in class were looking at Tobi.

“You’re a witness after all,” Baku said with a half-smile.

I see.

So it’s about that.

Apparently Takatomo Miyuki was in critical condition.

During the morning homeroom period, their homeroom teacher Harry, a.k.a Harimoto had explained.

“She’s getting treated at the hospital, but she hasn't regained consciousness yet.”

Instead of his familiar red tracksuit, Harimoto wore a white shirt and black slacks. Tobi didn't know the reason why. He didn't have the slightest clue.

“Everyone must be worried. If we find out anything else, sensei will pass on the news. There seem to be strange rumors going around, but please don't believe them. Alright?”

What were these strange rumors?

Tobi didn't know.

It was all things he didn't understand.

This world was composed of things Tobi didn't know.

Aside from Tobi, there were thirty five students enrolled in class 3 of year 2. Among those thirty five people, was the female student Shizukudani, who practiced infirmary schooling. Tobi had never seen her once. So in reality, it was thirty four people. Between those thirty four people and Tobi, there existed something like a transparent membrane. That thin yet unbreakable membrane had almost completely separated Tobi from those thirty four people.

Tobi missed that membrane terribly.

If that membrane were intact, he wouldn't have been worrying about his classmates like this. Likewise, his classmates wouldn't be paying attention to Tobi either.

Even though they were in class, students' eyes flitted towards Tobi. There also were students who casually checked in on him while pretending to look out the window.

Without realizing, Tobi was looking around the classroom too. As he did so, his eyes would meet with someone else, and it got quite awkward.

Shiratama seemed to be deep in thought; her gaze was often downcast. Her skin had always been pale, but her complexion seemed especially bad. Was she not feeling well? Maybe she hadn't been sleeping much.

Had Shiratama been friendly with Takatomo? Tobi didn't know.

During the break between second and third period, a girl started crying. Until then, she had been talking about something with two other girls in hushed voices, and before long she began sobbing.

“Chiami…”

The two girls looked visibly upset.

On the sobbing girl’s back clung a weird thing that resembled a bat, or perhaps a flying squirrel.

Kon Chiami was the one crying.

Shiratama tried to approach Kon Chiami, but stopped halfway.

Eventually the two girls took Kon Chiami out the classroom. The three of them didn't return until after the bell rang. The teacher did not scold them.

After third period ended, Masamune, a.k.a Masaki Shuuji, with the tarsier-like weird thing in the ‘say no evil’ pose riding on his head, stood in front of the blackboard and cleared his throat.

“Um, you know. I get it but, like, what do you think of this atmosphere? I get it, you know? I get it and all but, even if we’re all bummed out, that’s not gonna change anything…like. I‘m not saying it’s better to be all happy or anything. But like, could we be a bit more normal?”

The reactions among their classmates was dull. About eighty percent were confused, and the remaining twenty percent were antagonistic. That was how it looked to Tobi.

“—Pwease excuse bme!”

Masamune put both hands on the teacher’s podium and scrunched up his brows. He looked like he was about to cry.

“I said something unnecessary. I‘m sowwy…”

A few laughs came. To be messing around in this kind of situation; Tobi was rather impressed, but there seemed to be those who were offended as well.

 “Stop messing around, seriously,” A male student spat in a low voice.

That wasn't it. The boy kicked the floor. Although he just let the sole of his shoe rub against the floor, some sound came out.

Tobi was sitting close to the boy’s seat, so he was a bit startled. Baku, who was hanging on his desk, also shuddered a bit and let out an “Oh…”

The boy’s bangs were long enough to cover his eyes. If he recalled correctly, he was called Asamiya. Tobi thought he was called Asamiya. Asamiya something. Shinobu. Right. Asamiya Shinobu.

Masamune looked at Asamiya, but turned his gaze away from him right away. ‘Stop messing around, seriously.’ Had Asamiya’s words not reached him?

But that ‘say no evil’ monkey on Masamune’s head stared at Asamiya with those tarsier-like eyes.

Maybe that was just what it seemed like. Or maybe Tobi was overthinking it. Disregarding the monkey, Kon Chiami was definitely side-eying Asamiya. The weird thing on her back, too, turned its human infant-like face towards Asamiya.

Suddenly the question came into Tobi’s head.

Why had Takatomo Miyuki jumped?

Lunch time went by in the blink of an eye, and Tobi shouldered Baku and walked out the classroom. The weather wasn't bad today. But the courtyard was sealed off. It was the scene of the incident, after all. Even if he didn't go through the courtyard, he could climb to the roof if he just went outside. He considered that briefly, but didn't feel like doing it. He didn't want to go to the roof. It was all because Takatomo had jumped. A single girl, and a classmate at that, had jumped from the school building’s roof. Why had she jumped?

Tobi paced around in the hallway, walking quickly. There was no aim to it; he felt sick just staying still.

Now, of all times, Baku wasn't saying anything. He stayed silent sullenly. That pissed Tobi off a bit. A Baku who stayed quiet was just a backpack.

He couldn't go to the roof. It was because Takatomo had jumped.

It was Takatomo’s fault. Was Takatomo at fault?

He didn't think so. Takatomo probably hadn't jumped because she wanted to. What would happen if you jumped? She should've been able to imagine. You wouldn't be fine. You would be severely injured.

You could end up dying.

Tobi didn't understand. He didn't understand Takatomo’s feelings at all. He had no way of understanding.

Soon, meal time came to an end. Students began to come and go in the hallway, and Tobi started looking for a place without people. It was like he was on the run for a place to hide. He looked like an idiot.

For some reason Baku wasn't talking.

Maybe he was just a normal backpack. Maybe he’d just been a backpack all along.

The thought crossed Tobi’s mind. Of course, that couldn't have been true.

Say something already, Baku.

If he said that, Tobi would lose. Would he lose? Just what was he losing at?

There was nobody around the hallway of the third floor of the special classroom building. For some reason he felt tired, so Tobi sat down.

The special classroom building was three stories tall. Tobi sat in the stairway. This stairway led to the roof. If you didn't climb up from the outer wall like Tobi, you’d have to use these stairs to get to the roof.

Takatomo should've used these stairs to get to the roof, too. Beyond the stairs was a door. Takatomo had somehow opened the locked door.

The key to the roof had been missing.

The janitor, Haizaki, had said so.

Takatomo had probably taken the key. In the staff room, near the principal’s desk, if he recalled correctly, hung lots of keys. Had Takatomo swiped the key to the roof from there? It was quite a conspicuous spot; it seemed pretty difficult.

Anyway, Takatomo had probably used that key to unlock the lock. She’d opened the door, and gone on the roof. Then, she’d jumped off.

Tobi had stared intently at Takatomo’s form after she landed in the courtyard. Despite that, he couldn't remember any details. Takatomo had been facing downwards. But what about her face? Had her face been downturned? Or had it faced to the side? Had her arms and legs been bent? Or had they been straight?

As he closed his eyes and thought back, his heart went into a frenzy. His chest began to hurt.

No, don't think back on it.

It was like Tobi’s heart was trying to drive him back.

“...What the hell.”

He heard footsteps. Someone was coming up the stairs, from the second floor to the third. Tobi was sitting on the stairs from the third floor to the roof. He let out a sigh.

Tobi tried to stand up.

“Ah.”

The one climbing up the stairs was Shiratama. Upon seeing Tobi, Shiratama’s face broke into a smile.

“So you were here, Otogiri-kun.”

“Well…”

Tobi hung his head and sat on the steps once again. For the time being, Shiratama stood in front of Tobi. Neither of them said a word. After a while, Shiratama sat down beside Tobi.

“Were you looking for Tobi, O-Ryuu?” Baku asked.

Shiratama nodded.

“Yes. I wanted to talk to him.”

“That’d be dull, talking to this guy. Unlike me, Tobi sucks at communication after all.”

“No way. He’s not dull at all.”

Shiratama fiddled with the pochette on her lap.

“I‘ve never once felt dull while talking with Otogiri-kun.”

“It’s only been a little while though…”

As Tobi chose his words, he stared at Shiratama’s fingers which held the pochette. Her fingernails were cut neatly. None of the white parts could be seen.

“It hasn't been that long since we started talking.”

“Now that you mention it, that’s true.”

After that, Shiratama muttered, “How strange.”

What was strange? Tobi tried to ask, but for some reason he couldn't.

In the end, he barely talked to Shiratama. It wasn't like they were completely silent. But they didn't talk enough for it to qualify as conversation. Even though people passed by with a look that said, ‘What’re these two doing?’, Shiratama didn't seem to mind. To be honest, Tobi minded, a little. But then he felt if Shiratama didn't have a problem with it, then it was fine, and gradually stopped caring.

Until class started for the afternoon, the two of them stayed on the steps of the special classroom building. Now and then they would give a bland answer or two, but other than that they just sat side by side.

He didn't dislike it. He found it strange how it didn't get awkward even when they were silent.

In the middle of fifth period, Asamiya Shinobu with the long bangs suddenly raised his hand.

“What’s wrong, Asamiya?” the teacher noticed, and called out.

Asamiya had his right hand raised, but both elbows were on his desk and his head drooped. He wasn't saying anything.

The classroom rose in a clamor, then shortly went quiet again. Finally, Asamiya spoke.

“I don't feel well.”

“I see. It’s better you don't force yourself. Who’s the health committee member in this class?”

“Me.”

“Kon. Take Asamiya to the infirmary.”

“Alri~ght.”

As Kon stood up, there was a loud noise. It didn't come from Kon. It was the sound of Asamiya standing up. Asamiya shoved his chair back and rushed towards the exit.

Kon chased after Asamiya frantically.

“Asamiya-kun!”

“Don’t come!”

Asamiya pulled open the door and glared at Kon. He looked terribly menacing. Kon stepped back with a start.

“I‘ll be fine on my own, so…”

Asamiya weakly added what sounded like an excuse, and ran out the classroom.

“Scary…” someone said in a small voice.

Voices rose up here and there like a chain reaction.

“Quiet down!”

The teacher clapped his hands together.

“We’re in the middle of class. Kon, return to your seat.”

“But…”

Kon looked back and forth from the door to Asamiya’s empty seat. Was she worried about Asamiya?

For some reason, Tobi turned his gaze towards Masamune. He had both hands clasped in front of his mouth. It may have been a coincidence, but it was a pose that resembled the ‘speak no evil’ monkey on his head.

Kon returned to her seat, and the teacher resumed the lesson.

Is that alright? Tobi thought. Was it alright to leave Asamiya be? Did Asamiya really get to the infirmary by himself?

His gaze met Shiratama’s several times. Her brows were a bit furrowed, and her lips pulled slightly tight. When their eyes met around the end of the class, Shiratama moved her lips like she was trying to say something. He couldn't clearly make out what she was trying to say.

When the bell rang signaling the end of the fifth period, Tobi stood up before the teacher announced the end of class. Right before he got out of the classroom, he noticed that he’d forgotten Baku.

“Oi, Tobi! Hey! You!” Baku shouted.

Tobi ignored him and left the classroom. He hurried down the hallway in long strides. Where was he trying to go? For the time being he headed towards the restroom, but he didn't have any business there. That wasn't Tobi’s destination.

He stopped outside the infirmary. Even though he’d walked here on his own two feet, he thought, “Here?”

It was here.

The infirmary.

He just couldn't stop thinking about Asamiya. Was he at the infirmary, or wasn't he? He wanted to check.

Check, and then what? There wasn't really anything for him to do. He’d never talked to Asamiya. He didn't feel like he wanted to talk to him either.

Something was weird. Tobi was doing something weird. It was strange, if he did say so himself.

No, he hadn't put it into action yet. He could still change his mind. He just had to turn back.

“Otogiri-kun!”

If Shiratama hadn't run up panting, Tobi would definitely have turned back. Shiratama ran to his side and bent forward, clutching her chest.

“...I... I was also… concerned about….A…Asamiya-kun…”

“That doesn't mean you had to run here at full speed…”

“Ugh… Otogiri-kun, you were super fast. I -I tried to catch up and…”

Shiratama produced a handkerchief from her skirt pocket and wiped her face.

“I ended up getting sweaty.”

“Was it necessary to chase after me…”

“Now that you mention it, for some reason, yes.”

“Um…”

Tobi hesitated. Without a moment’s delay, Shiratama said “Hm?” and pressed her face close. Tobi leaned back a bit, but didn't step back. Somehow he kept his feet planted.

“I… how to put it. I don't really have any common ground with Asamiya…”

“I get along pretty well with him.”

“Ah, is that so.”

“We were in the same class in first year. We got along well enough to make small talk from time to time.”

“Small talk…”

“‘It’s sunny today’ or ‘It gets pretty hot around this time, huh’ or ‘It’s getting cold, huh?’”

“That’s getting along well?”

“I can’t talk about the weather with someone I get along badly with.”

“...Is that so.”

“Am I wrong?”

“Who knows. I don't really understand socializing anyway. Shiratama-san is probably more correct…”

“I‘m correct?”

“Probably.”

“To hear Otogiri-kun affirm my opinion. That makes me kind of happy.”

Shiratama ducked her head bashfully, and put her handkerchief in her pocket.

Shiratama entered the infirmary with an “Excuse me.” Tobi had never used the infirmary before, but he knew there was a white-robed school nurse.

The school nurse wasn't there.

Was she there in her place?

A bespectacled female student sat on a chair with a backrest with her legs crossed.

“Huh?”

As the student looked at Shiratama, her eyes blinked from behind her glasses.

“If it isn't Shiratama Dango.”¹

“Shizukudani-san.”

Shiratama looked unsurprised, and said hello with a slight bow.

¹ Shiratama’s double bun hairstyle is called ‘o-dango’. Shiratama is also a kind of white dango

He’d completely forgotten.

One of their classmates did infirmary schooling. Shiratama had been the one to tell Tobi that. So naturally, Shiratama had expected that student to be in the infirmary.

“You sure are stupidly polite as usual, Shiratama Dango.”

Shizikudani looked down her nose and laughed. She put her elbows on the desk and twirled a pen with one hand. Considering how she’d stopped going to school, and after that started infirmary schooling, she seemed quite relaxed.

“Wait, ‘Shiratama Dango’ is…”

As Tobi hissed under his breath, Shizukudani stopped twirling the pen.

“You. What was your name again. Class 3’s super oddball, aren't you? Ah, Shiratama Dango, you don't have to tell me. I wanna remember on my own. I think I can remember on my own. Mm… right. I got it. That’s right. Otogiri Tobi. I got it right, didn't I?”

“...That’s right…”

“From now on I‘m calling you Tobi-tobi.”

“Eh…?”

“Obi-obi or Giri-giri or Tobi-tobi. Which would you prefer?”

“...Well, Tobi-tobi I guess.”

“Then, Tobi-tobi it is.”

“What’s with this person…”

“I‘m Shizukudani~ I‘m called ‘Ruka-chin’. My full name is Shizukudani Rukana. You can call me Ruka-chin, but that weirdly pisses me off, so if you really call me that I'll beat you up. Nice to meet ya.”

Shizukudani stabbed her pen through the air with an “Ay!” Tobi didn't want to be beaten up or stabbed. It seemed best to avoid calling her Ruka-chin. Not that he wanted to use such a friendly way of calling her.

He looked around the infirmary briefly. There was one bench without a backrest. One round table, on top of which sat a laptop. Two chairs. The beds were partitioned by curtains, and there were three in total. Among them, only the one in front of them had the curtains closed.

“Shizukudani-san, did Asamiya-kun come to the infirmary?”

As Shiratama asked, Shizukudani pointed at the bed with the closed curtain with her pen.

“He’s there. Resting. He wasn't feeling well or something.”

Shiratama gazed up at the ceiling and closed her eyes. She put both hands to her chest and breathed a sigh.

“....Thank goodness.”

“Hm?”

Shizukudani tilted her head and looked at Tobi. Why was she looking at him? Tobi looked away.

The curtain opened, and Asamiya’s face poked out.

“Shiratama-san…Otogiri too. What’d you come here for?”

Rather than his physical condition, Asamiya’s mood seemed to be terrible. He glared at them with upturned eyes, and Shiratama seemed crestfallen.

“Asamiya—”

Tobi got till here, then hesitated. Should he add -kun, or -san? Asamiya had just called him ‘Otogiri’, so maybe he didn't need to add anything.

“Your hair.”

“...Eh?”

“Your bangs. They’re long.”

“Yeah…”

“In the morning, the teacher in front of the gate with the black-rimmed glasses—”

“Yagarashima-sensei?”

“I don't know his name. Doesn't that teacher give you warnings?”

“He does, sometimes.”

“I thought so.”

“Mn.”

“That’s all.”

As he finished talking, Tobi wondered what he was trying to say. Tobi didn't even know himself, so Asamiya must be even more confused.

“...Seriously, what'd you come here for? Shiratama aside, Otogiri, you’ve never talked to me have you?”

“That’s true…”

“Actually, not just me, I‘ve practically never seen Otogiri talk to anybody.”

“Yeah…” Tobi let out a hum without thinking.

If he were in Asamiya’s position, he would probably feel pretty strange.

“Um!”

Had a lifeboat come to save him? Shiratama cut in quite fiercely.

“How are you feeling, Asamiya-kun? Does it hurt somewhere?”

“...It’s not really that…”

Asamiya sat up in bed. He wasn't wearing shoes. He’d taken them off and left them on the floor. Tobi widened his eyes.

There was something under the bed. Had Asamiya not noticed it? Even though it was right by his feet. Maybe it hadn't entered his field of vision. If he lowered his gaze he should definitely have been able to see it. It wasn't small. It had to be about the size of a human torso. It had considerable size.

Its form resembled a human torso as well. The thing had arms. However, it wasn't two. Four arms sprung from it. It had a head as well. It was bald. He couldn't quite make out its features. It looked a bit like a human, a bit like some mysterious creature. It had not one pair of eyes, but two. It had four eyes.

Tobi searched Shiratama’s expression allusively. Shiratama glanced at Tobi and smiled slightly. Was that smile trying to tell him something?

Tobi had heard about Shizukudani from Shiratama. The owner of year 2 class 3’s empty seat. She did infirmary schooling. She’d been in the same class as Shiratama in first year.

And she’d had a weird thing with her.

Tobi’s Baku.

Shiratama’s Chinu, a.k.a. Chinurasha, hidden in her bag.

Masamune’s ‘say no evil’ monkey.

Kon Chiami’s thing, which resembled a bat, or a flying squirrel.

Compared to those, Shizukudani’s weird thing was pretty weird. It was no exaggeration to call it grotesque. It was practically a monster. Its appearance was ghastly, and its movements were disturbing too.

Shizukudani’s monster wiggled its four arms, its fingers squirming restlessly, and began moving across the floor with a horrifying smoothness. On top of that, it seemed to be able to climb up walls. It was like a bug. It would be quite horrifying if there were a bug of that size. What’s more, it looked slightly human-like. It was nightmarish.

Shikuzudani’s monster crawled along the walls and into the corner of the ceiling, and curled its four arms inwards dexterously. Its four eyes flitted around, looking here and there.

“It’s a bit weird, isn't it.” Asamiya said in a dark tone.

Shikuzudani’s monster? Tobi thought for a second. But Asamiya seemed to be talking about something else.

“Our class. It’s weird. I couldn't stand it anymore…”

“Weird?”

Shizukudani asked no one in particular, twirling her pen. After asking the question, she answered it herself with an “Ah, I see.”

“The incident, huh? The jumping incident. If the class were all right, that sorta thing wouldn't have happened. Of course. It’s terrible, huh. Ruka-chin is in the infirmary division, so I don't know a thing about the situation though.”

Asamiya clicked his tongue and shook his head, seeming annoyed.

“If you don't understand then don't say anything.”

“How scary.”

Shizukudani shuddered and hugged her own shoulders. It seemed like a deliberate shudder.

“Stop it, that kind of thing. It’s scary. Ruka-chin had stopped going to school. I‘ve finally gotten to be able to do infirmary schooling, you know?”

“As if I care. Miyu’s unconscious and in critical condition, you know. We don't even know if she can be saved…”

This time, Asamiya shuddered. Unlike Shizukudani, he really seemed to shiver uncontrollably.

“Sorryyy.”

Shizukudani clasped her hands together. It didn't seem like a sincere apology.

“Who’s Miyu though? Who? Ah, Takatomo-san? Takatomo Miyuki, was it. Her name. So, ‘Miyu’? Eh? Are you dating?”

“Of course not. ….No. Our houses were close by, so we’re childhood friends. But we didn't talk much after middle school. It’s just, our parents know each other and…”

“A relationship based on familial connection, right?”

As Shiratama nodded, seemingly satisfied with that explanation, Asamiya said, “Like I said!”, raising his voice.

“We're not in a relationship. How many times do I have to say…”

“Asamiya, you're pretty emotionally unstable, aren't you?”

Shizukudani chuckled. The monster-bearing owner of the empty seat didn't seem to have a great personality.

“But it’s true that that class² has a problem. Ruka-chin is in attendance at the infirmary five days a week, so I have a pretty good grasp of the situation. There’s a good number of them, class 3 kids who come here going ‘my stomach hurts’ or whatever. That kinda thing, usually the problem is mental, isn't it? About that, not to brag or anything but I‘m pretty well informed. Just as a related party, ok?”

“...Miyu too?” Asamiya probed.

Shizukudani immediately responded “Yes”, in English for some reason.

² written as ‘year 2 class 3’, pronounced as ‘that class’

“Recently, she’s come several times. Rested a bit, took some medicine. Aside from her, from the top of my mind, Yoshizawa-kun? The hot guy. And a while ago, Murahama-san and Shimomaeda-san came a lot. Ah, not together, mind you. Separately.”

From hearing their names, Yoshizawa was the only one whose face Tobi could recall. ‘The hot guy’, Shizukudani had said. He was a refreshing and sweet-looking handsome guy.

“Murahama, Shimomaeda…”

Asamiya muttered and bit the thumb of his right hand.

“They’re both girls who’re friendly with Kon. Just a while ago, Miyu was hanging out with her too.”

Tobi and Shiratama exchanged a look.

Kon Chiami always had a bat-like, flying squirrel-like weird thing clinging to her back.

So, what did that mean?

He had no way of concretely explaining it, but he was caught up on that.

Shiratama lowered her gaze and spoke.

“Kon-san seemed to be quite shocked though…”

Indeed, between second and third period, Kon had openly cried in front of everyone. The two girls who comforted her were probably Murahama and Shimomaeda.

“None of that matters, though.”

Asamiya held his head in both hands and ran his fingers through his hair.

“...No matter who cries and shouts, It’s not like Miyu’s gonna get better. We don't even know if she has any hope of getting better. Not knowing… It's terrible, isn't it. I‘m so scared… I can't sleep. I end up just thinking about bad things. Being unconscious… I wonder what that feels like. Is she unable to hear sounds? Can she even dream? Or can she not feel the slightest thing? Miyu’s in the hospital… all alone, isn't she lonely? Unable to move, and in pain, too. Why didn't I notice anything? No… that’s not true. To be honest, I was thinking, that Miyu was acting strange. I wondered if something was wrong. But I hadn't talked to her in ages, if I suddenly talked to her, that might’ve been creepy. So… I didn't do anything. To think such a thing would happen…”

Shizukudani looked out the window and twirled her pen. Her monster stayed in the corner of the ceiling, unmoving.

The bell rang.

Asamiya raised his head and looked up at Tobi and Shiratama with dull eyes.

“Don't you have to go? Sixth period’s starting, isn't it?”

“That’s… true.”

Shiratama hugged the pochette containing Chinu. Was she hesitating?

“You skipping?” he ventured.

Horrified, Shiratama shook her head, her long hair swaying.

“I‘m not skipping class. It’s not that… Asamiya-kun.”

“What.”

Asamiya reached for the curtain.

“I want to lie down for a bit. If you’re going to class, then hurry up and go.”

“Do you want to pay her a—”

“...Huh?”

“A visit? At the hospital Takatomo-san is staying in. Otogiri-kun too, If you’d like.”

“Eh?”

He was completely caught off guard.

Shiratama looked at Tobi with a terribly earnest gaze. Could it be this was a request? If he wasn't mistaken, she seemed to be pleading with him. He couldn't help but feel that way.

A visit?

To the hospital?

Takatomo’s?

Why?

Even if they went, it wasn't like she had a little illness or broken bones. Takatomo was in critical condition. They said she was unconscious. In other words, visitors wouldn't be allowed, would they? But Shiratama had to have known all that too. In spite of that, she’d suggested they pay her a visit for some reason. It seemed like Shiratama wanted to bring Tobi along.

“...Well, I‘m fine with that.”

After school, Tobi, along with Asamiya and Shiratama, headed towards the hospital Takatomo Miyuki was staying at. Walking to the hospital took fifteen minutes.

Asamiya negotiated with general reception, but Takatomo was in the ICU, and as expected, they weren't accepting visitors. Even family members could only see her face for a limited amount of time.

“I see, right…”

Asamiya crashed down on the bench of the waiting room. Tobi and Shiratama didn't sit down.

“Coming here on a whim is all well and good but there’s no way we’d be able to see her…”

“Takatomo-san is in the intensive care unit, isn't she? Shall we go?”

Had Shiratama not given up yet? Why hadn't she given up? Tobi couldn't understand. Asamiya seemed confused as well.

“We can't go inside anyway, I don't think it’ll work…”

“Just in case.”

Shiratama seemed intent on going.

“O-Ryuu is surprisingly pushy, huh.” Baku muttered.

Shiratama glanced at Baku and opened her mouth in a slight smile.

Checking the floor plan of the hospital which hung on the wall, they found out the ICU was on the third floor of that building. They could get to the third floor simply by taking the elevator, but before the ICU was a locked door. To go beyond that point, they needed hospital staff to unlock it with an ID card, or use the intercom to ask them to open it from the inside.

“That’s why I told you…”

Asamiya seemed more sad than angry.

On their way back, they noticed a small waiting room. A woman sitting there on a bench called out to Asamiya.

“Shinobu-kun?”

The woman seemed to be Takatomo’s mother. She grew teary eyed as Asamiya approached.

“You came all the way here? I'm sorry, Shinobu-kun. Miyu isn't in a state to see anyone…”

“No, I was prepared to not be able to see her… but I just couldn't stay put… ”

In a choked voice, Asamiya introduced Shiratama and Tobi to Takatomo’s mother as classmates. Takatomo’s mother kept ducking her head, thanking them for coming.

To be honest, Tobi couldn't stand it anymore.

He found Takatomo’s mother pitiful. Tobi himself didn't even know what feelings he held towards Takatomo. Was he supposed to talk to her mother? Tobi had witnessed the precise moment Takatomo had jumped. He hadn't been able to stop her. He hadn't tried to stop her. Should he apologize to Takatomo’s mother for that? He had to apologize. Did he feel bad? He felt peculiar about it.

The human known as Otogiri Tobi didn't particularly feel any guilt. Maybe his heart was cold.

Why was such a cold-hearted person here right now?

At the hospital Takatomo was hospitalized in.

Shiratama gently tugged on Tobi’s sleeve.

Asamiya was talking with Takatomo’s mother. It seemed that Shiratama wanted to leave. Tobi nodded.

After going with Shiratama, they somehow ended up going back to the ICU. Of course, the door was still closed.

“We can’t go in, can we?” Tobi said.

Without answering, Shiratama opened her pochette.

A small fluffy animal emerged from the pochette. It had two horns on its head. Without saying, it was Chinu, a.k.a. Chinurasha.

Chinu jumped from the pochette to Shiratama’s arm. She wasn't slow, but it was an unsteady movement. Even so, Chinu climbed up Shiratama’s arm and finally onto her shoulder. Chinu faced them, looking pleased for some reason.

“Yo.”

As Baku casually greeted her, Chinu cocked her head and let out an “Uyuu—” Not to imitate Chinu, but Tobi cocked his head as well.

“...Eh? What?”

“Chinu.”

Shiratama pulled her head inwards and rubbed her cheek against Chinu. Chinu didn't even tremble.

Tobi opened his mouth, but was held back by Baku.

“Shh. Stay quiet, Tobi.”

What?

He wanted to protest, but even Baku wouldn't say something like that without reason. Tobi stared steadily at Shiratama and Chinu.

Chinu’s round eyes were vacant.

She appeared to be asleep.

“Can’t you reach it here? How about it? Chinu…”

Shiratama whispered to Chinu.

Can’t reach what?

Chinu’s tiny mouth moved.

“Why”

He heard it clearly. It was a voice. It wasn't a cry. It was different from Chinu’s voice.

It wasn't Shiratama’s voice either. Of course, nor was it Tobi’s or Baku’s.

“Why? My. —my…”

It wasn't a male voice. It was a girl’s voice. Tobi got chills.

“...wh— eh? Whose…”

“I … why… the key… I mean… the key was…”

Was it Chinu? Chinu wasn't moving her mouth like a human did when they talked. But she opened and closed her mouth just the slightest bit. So was Chinu the one talking?

Why was Chinu talking?

Was this Chinu’s voice?

“The key… the key…to the roof…in my desk…the key…”

It sounded like a young woman's voice.

The key.

The key, to the roof?

In her desk?

“Ah—”

Tobi shivered. It wasn't like he remembered that voice. Even within his class, there were extremely few faces he could assign names to. He wouldn't remember a voice unless it was special. Then, could it be? Tobi wondered internally. The girl’s voice was coming from Chinu’s mouth. Was that possible? It didn't make any sense. It was crazy.

Wasn't that Takatomo Miyuki’s voice? he thought.

“It seems like we reached it, somehow,” Shiratama said.

“Takatomo-san’s voice.”

It was a voice that shouldn't have been audible.

A voice that shouldn't have rang out.

The girl was severely injured and unconscious. She was getting treatment on the bed of the ICU.

“I can’t do it anymore…”

The words that came out of Chinu rang in Tobi’s ears.

That day, Takatomo had run out of year 2 class 3’s classroom and never returned. Right before that, the girl had shouted.

“I can't do it anymore.”

-----

prev: 2-3 // next: 3-2

Misc-

Shizukudani refers to herself as ‘Ruka-chin’ in third person (generally considered childish)

Takatomo uses ‘atashi’

the rest is just my own rambling

Chapter quote- ‘The Yark’ is a children’s story about a monster called the Yark who eats children, specifically good children. He befriends a child who shows him kindness, but leaves her after struggling between his love for her and the desire to eat her. Later he gains immunity to eating naughty children, and is excited to test out his unlimited appetite, which upsets the child. The Yark claims it’s in a monster’s nature to eat children, and the child laments that in order to live, you have to kill and eat other living beings. Later, the Yark tries to eat but finds he can no longer bear to eat children as every child reminds him of his dear friend. He ends up transforming into a guardian figure for children at night.

Let me tell you it was a doozy to find the official English translation of this quote. (the original is in French, but I thought it would be best to find the English version instead of trying to translate it again from the Japanese version) The only free transcript I could find online was an 11 part reading of the book by a primary school teacher on youtube. Yeah I ended up listening to the whole thing. Missed the quote the first time round too, had to go back a second time-_- But it was a lovely story. Very fitting for the themes of this novel.

#inochi no tabekata #inochi no tabekata light novel #this continues where 1.4 left off so. be prepared for gritty descriptions of that.

[red-dyed-sarumane]

yes we do want the void oc lore

okay !!! i hope this makes sense

void's one of my psychic ocs their ability/power being that they can distort, displace, & change audio, visual, tactile, scent, and taste sensations in a limited range around themself. this often isnt the smoothest & seems similar to a glitch on a computer so thats how it got its name. theyre agender (amab but thats literally only relevant in adult situations) idk their exact hight but somewhere around like 5'2"

their real/past name was ansta. they also used to have red-brown hair & purple eyes but they thought that was boring & always used their ability to make their eyes bright blue & their hair the black-blue gradient.

they had good grades in school but got bored easily, so they often used their ability to pull various pranks in classes. they had a friend (crian) that would help them in their pranks with her own ability & even tho everyone knew it was the two of them, there wasn't much proof if any so they never really got in trouble. they definitely used to be a playful, confident type of person.

However they got involved with one of the popular girls at their school, & once she got a bit close to them she started using them, manipulating them, etc. part of her bullying was saying things like "u dont even have ur own personality do u? ur just a void of a person" & Thats where the nickname void came from.

crian figured out early what her plan was & tried to talk some sense into void, but the bullying really put them into a corner & whenever they tried to do something about it, the popular girl would step in & lie to whoever they told so no one would believe them. once she got what she wanted from void, she got even hasher in her bullying until void finally broke one day. their mind went blank & they ran out of school & didnt stop running.

when they finally got their senses back, they didn't remember anything, not what happened or where they were going or even really who they were. they lost their phone while they were running so they didnt even have that to see who they knew or what they were like. they just knew the word void felt like a name & they didn't want to turn around and find out where they came from. so at 16 they just kept going until eventually, several towns & a Large distance away, they found an abandoned house deep in the woods where it was very unlikely anyone would come across them. once they decided on staying there they got themself a new phone & different things so they could actually live there.

even tho they dont consciously remember anything, the whole incident still haunts them, they have no confidence or self esteem, they dont even have control over their ability anymore & that stresses them out & makes it Even Worse so they hid away even more than they needed to.

eventually as they stayed there they gained a growing interest in the deity of the stars & joined various forums & the like to keep up with their appearances & interviews & various other things. they never talked too much, but they got a decent following for their photo set edits. this interest ended up turning into a gachikoi situation, even tho they never really wanted to actually meet the deity since they hated themself & didnt feel they were worthy of it or that the deity should be bothered by someone like them. but also theyve been away from people so long at that point they dont actively name it as a crush (it is).

despite hating themself theyve never self harmed in the way of cutting their self harm manifests as excessive isolation (obviously) & occasionally skipping meals. & self deprecation too.

probably the most interesting thing tho is that when they snapped & couldnt control their ability anymore it permanently altered them that their eyes & hair stay the colors they wanted as a kid (unless of course their ability goes off a changes it for a bit. but thats like their "natural" now) In Fact in my little au where they get together with said deity, their kid inherits their eye color meaning their ability is powerful enough to permanently alter genes/dna/whatever. but they cant use it properly anymore so its really not a threat to anyone

#asks #zinziinziiin #void #lmao i named the potential kid iono before pkmn scarvi came out & im still like. deep sigh about it #anyway i think this is the short ver idk if it makes sense bc i just threw it together but its the most important parts i think #i should also mention. it common in this world for kids to quit school to go traveling & hone their abilities #so it wasnt culturally strange for void to just. never show up again #also also void & ryuusei (deity) DO end up being friends. not dating & not with benefits but they do end up knowing each other #i go back & forth on making them a canon couple & not wanting to fall victim to every story needing romance #the ONLY reason they have a kid in the au is bc both of them are so ill equipped to handle a kid itd be funny thats IT #anyway thats my sad wet cat of an oc i love them & never give them anything nice ever

[beautifulpersonpeach]

bpp do u think kpop will ever be taken seriously? is that something kpop fans should keep hoping for? like i read that the beatles were seen as more of a boyband back in the day like beatle fever or smething like that and now their iconic

**

Hi Anon,

The question is, taken seriously by who exactly?

A few things to get out of the way:

K-pop will likely always be treated as somewhat inferior to whatever white Western label executives prefer

K-pop has a legitimate problem of bad and stolen music. The genre can be very forward-thinking in how music is arranged, but too many groups/artists/producers just lift what's been done in the West and replicate it uncreatively and with no proper credit.

Female-dominated fandoms are never taken seriously, and their interests are always seen as less legitimate. This was the case with the Beatles and it wasn't until years after the group disbanded (and the screaming female fans left) the the group was finally given their full due. As young women are the demographic most visibly into k-pop, there'll always be some who use that to disparage the genre.

K-pop fandom behaviour has more working against it than for it

There's also the possibility we see the Western music industry appropriate methods, concepts, marketing, etc from k-pop without proper recognition.

K-pop is a genre that has a lot to offer. There's a lot of crap to sort through, but I wouldn't have been into this for years if I didn't think it's worth it. The thing is, a lot of people even within Korea didn't take it seriously. It's referred to as 'idol music', often disparagingly by typical working class or salarymen/women in Korea. And its reputation was a lot worse until BTS elevated the genre in the social consciousness first with capturing hearts with Spring Day after the Sewol Ferry tragedy, then later with all the cash and international recognition BTS brought to Korea.

But you saying this recognition is something k-pop fans are hoping for, tells me you're not asking about local Koreans taking the genre seriously. You're likely referring to the West treating k-pop the way it treats other more popular genres of music. In which case, k-pop is already being taken more seriously, because of BTS. In the West there will always be people prejudiced against the genre simply because of racism, ignorance, anti-Asian and homophobic sentiments (the music will never be good enough for those who break into a rash every time they see a man in lipstick and eye-shadow), and there's a lot of those types in the West. But for most everyone else, what I'm observing is more two-way engagement with k-pop both at the industry level (for purely economic reasons) and at the artist/fan/consumer level cause there's a lot to like about k-pop if you give it a chance. And without a doubt, the one thing responsible for the widest and deepest penetration of k-pop into the Western consciousness today, is BTS. So, thanks to the tannies, there's certainly more people who know about the genre, more respect for the genre than before, and that allows other groups to hopefully better establish themselves.

Groups like Stray Kids, NCT, TXT (Lollapalooza), Blackpink, are all building off the platform made by BTS, and so long as these groups continue putting out fairly decent music, they'll keep gaining fans, recognition, and respect.

#music industry #kpop industry #kpop #kpop fandom #bts

[catatonicdelirium]

Identity is the primary means of recuperation in the contemporary Left. Class warfare is perpetuated in several forms and manifestations; through inflation, through recession and market collapse, through the surveillance of several loci of control—the school, the prison, the hospital, the work-place, the army barracks. Indeed, the amount of control in the year 2024 is so pervasive that it almost seems as if our bodies are inscribed at birth, destined to become, rather than a rubric for understanding and growth through our own peculiar idiosyncrasies.

So what do I mean by “identity”? I certainly don’t mean it in the classical sense of the term, in that A=A or some such mathematical nonsense. I certainly don’t mean it in the other direction either; a more radical definition of identity where we choose the manifestations of our bodies and inscribe our own versions of becoming onto them. No! Instead, identity as recuperation finds itself as the type of identity that is neatly categorized, systematized, and co-opted back within a capitalist system of control. This false sense of identity finds itself fabricated in the products we consume, the labor-power we produce, the systems we reproduce through our labor-power, and the way each of our bodies are represented in the media—whether it be the radio, film, television, or most recently, the internet.

The political arena finds itself embedded in our consciousness; nearly everyone these days is political in some sense, whether they are class-conscious or not. Your father who watches cable streaming services is just as political as those who role-play as communist online—that is, political in the false sense of the term, where political fantasies are acted out in an arena that’s easily co-opted by capitalism. One fabricates an easily recuperated “identity” in this sense of the term. Even the peaceful political protest can be seen in this light—so long as one receives the permits to hold a protest, and the protest is broadcast on the news media, this in turn serves as a “release valve” mechanism for the capitalist environment we find ourselves embedded in. “The revolution will not be televised,” as Gil-Scott Heron so eloquently points out.

So identity, as it turns out, is a system of control that is easily recapitulated within the capitalist environment. Where do we go from here? What is to be done? For one, the representative system cannot save us from enslavement. Representation, whether it be in the form of novels, podcasts, essays, music, art, or literature is destined to become ingrained and channeled into capitalist systems of desire. Representation as such finds itself as a concept, or system, that acts to drive a wedge between a body and its desire. For example, consider a revolutionary piece of media—perhaps Fanon’s Wretched of the Earth as an example of the post-colonial system of thought. Do the readers in Western countries of Fanon come away with a revolutionary zeal? Perhaps they do so in the form of elucidation, but almost certainly not in action—the thinking portion and the consumption system in regards to consuming the book does the theoretical heavy-lifting so as to ensure action doesn’t take place. As a cultural artifact, the book exists in a simulative space so as to ensure detachment from the reader—we are reflected back into a new body with new understanding, to be sure, upon completion of such a treatise; however, does this mean that the reader will take revolutionary action to ensure the destruction of a Western, capitalist system?

The answer is obviously no. No matter the education, no matter the amount of reading, no matter the amount of protests held or the riots that take place in the form of genuine revolutionary moments, they are all inevitably recuperated back into the capitalist mode of domination. To be sure, this type of work is important in order to gain ground and recruits, but much of the time this type of action is reflected back in a system of representation (i.e. media matrix) in an absurd, catastrophic way. Take for example the riots of 2020. Aside from documentarian Andrew Callaghan and a few other ephemeral sources that cropped up on YouTube, the major media outlets depicted the event as a farce, when in fact it was a true potential movement. This is because the system of representation serves to reproduce the ideologies of capitalist hegemony.

Why is this the case? To answer this question, we’ll need a conceptual framework to underlie our inquiry. For this, I choose schizo-analysis (as opposed to psycho-analysis) for my framework. Schizo-analysis was a field of inquiry developed in the 1970’s by philosopher Gilles Deleuze and psycho-analyst Fèlix Guattari that sought to explore the revolutionary potential of the schizophrenic. Unlike psycho-analysis, developed primarily by Sigmund Freud and expanded upon by many, many others, schizo-analysis does not seat the heart of the un/sub/conscious mind between a mother and a father—instead, schizo-analysis seeks to liberate the individual from the confines of a capitalist system, the root of which is seated in patriarchal repression.

[dzpenumbra]

5/19/23

Night got away from me. Again! It's currently 4:45 and I'm just sitting down with a bowl of ice cream. And I'm mid-rant in my head so let me catch y'all up to where I'm at.

I was reminiscing on how awesome it was in my therapy session today to be like... actually understood. For him to look at what I was dealing with, when I was - verbatim - struggling to even articulate what my experience was, my difficulty coming up with ideas of how to meet new people was. And he was like... "oh yeah, it looks like your anxiety and your panic are kinda overlapping and it's making it really hard for you to figure out how to approach those scenarios, because you have tons of tools but like... your biology kinda shorts out because of the panic response." And I was just like. Boom, dude. Fucking nailed it. And I was just like "do you have any idea how hard it is to articulate a problem that your nervous system is actively freezing away from?"

That and he really sympathized on me losing all my friends in a 6 month period. Like... it resonated at a practical level. And for me to articulate that I'm deeply introspective, compulsively, to the point where my role in almost every friendship I've ever had was to be the person they talked to that helped them get to know their self. To teach them introspection. I mean, I've been doing stream of consciousness writing since I was fucking 17, dude. My helicopter parents pulled me from schools when I was a kid and had me homeschooled. My 8th grade graduating class was me and literally one other dude. I have always had extroverts in my circle that I would amplify, and they would initiate. I'm a support caster. It's my fucking job. So... when I lose everyone... It puts me in a position where I need to rely on one of my greatest weaknesses - superficial social interactions aka being a "normal person" - in order to literally survive as a human being. And I'm not exaggerating. Social interaction is a basic human need, and if you question that? Do the science yourself. Cut yourself off from all human contact for 2 weeks. QUARANTINE YOURSELF. Remember how fucking nutty people got during lockdown, when they had access to social interaction? Imagine if everyone had to go through lockdown... in complete isolation... with no internet and no phones. Yeah. It would be fucking bad. Social isolation is a basic human need, which is why we use deprivation of it as a form of corporal punishment... which I honestly would consider a form of pseudo-torture, if I'm being honest.

But like... my therapist got it. He understood it was a worst case scenario and clearly, honestly seemed to get it. Where other therapists have kinda just... brushed right past it and went straight to "well just go out to the cafe and meet new people!" Or, the trope from the pandemic, "why don't you just go to the skatepark?"

So, where I was in my internal rant... when I came over here with my ice cream that is really good, by the way. Vanilla ice cream with chocolate shell topping and a little bit of caramel sauce. Wonder why I'm gaining weight? XD What I was... reliving... was last summer. The last friend I had.

It was a bit over a year ago. He reached out to me to reconnect. We had not been on good terms, he was very rude to me at a time when both of us were going through some pretty severe shit. And by that, I mean he screamed at me, told me I was just like my parents (which is... so deeply false that I was immediately aware that this was unfiltered venting) and didn't talk to me after for 2 years. When we reconnected in passing, I tried to share my discovery of Day-Z with him, and the immersive experiences I was having playing it for the first time. And it just went in one ear and out the other, and he dropped off the map again. Of all the habits I'm reconsidering right now, I think the whole thing where I send someone a giant text of a story that I thought they'd really like, and they barely engage at all... I think not following up with them is probably good. That's probably okay. They clearly don't appreciate the time and effort put into trying to share that with them. And this... well... we'll see soon this is a trend.

See, when this guy reconnected with me... it was this time last year. I can narrow it down pretty easily, because it was a few days before we were supposed to meet up and reconnect in person... and that day? The day I was supposed to bring my dog up to visit him? That was the day my dog was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was the last day of her life. So I remember that pretty clearly. June 6th, if my recollection serves me. I still miss her a lot, which goes without saying but like... it makes that twinging adrenaline shot feeling in my heart when I say it, but it's also oddly nice. Because I'm remembering my best friend - my co-pilot, I used to call her.

Anyway, the reconnection went pretty good, actually. We had common interests in minerology and spirituality, and doing shit outdoors and making stuff. He just got a house and wanted to make cool shit in his yard, it was chill. What I was specifically recollecting... was in relation to RP.

Today, I shared with my therapist my fascination with RP. Which is.. kind of an addiction at this point, but don't worry... this giant server-wide police corruption arc is deeply disturbing enough for me to take a few steps back lately. A bit too... current, I guess. Too contentious. Seems like people can't really... separate contemporary politics and social climate from that 40 years ago. But I digress for the 20th time... My therapist is a big fantasy nerd, which is where we really harmonize. So he 100% got it, and was completely onboard with me going onto an RP server and practicing social interactions that way, especially practicing social interactions that were outside of my comfort zone, and practicing what it's like to live as someone I currently am not, but would really like to be.

And last summer... I had a Minecraft server. I don't know how much I talked about it on this journal, but... I was paying for a dedicated modded minecraft server. My plan was to get a modpack I was comfortable with, that allowed creativity and had enough props and stuff for storylines... and to do an RP server. We did some "practice sessions" to get comfortable playing around each other, and the plan was to record some RP and stream it, and allow subs to join if they'd like. Something like that, I don't remember the whole deal. Which, of course, was a huge leap of faith considering... I don't think this guy had ever really been to my stream before... and now he's going to be on it. Having had shitty experiences with that in the past, the whole "practice" thing made sense. And I'm glad I did it, in hindsight.

Skipping past that whole iteration of the server and all the drama within... this guy shared with me a YouTuber he found that was using a very immersive modpack, and I threw together a completely new custom modpack including the mod from that video. And my server, I'm still salty about this... they only help you install a modpack one time, then they charge you for their automated assist feature. So I had to learn how to reset and set up the new server from scratch. Then I had to set up the custom modpack. Then I had to debug all the individual mod versions, because the primary mod wasn't updated to any recent versions, and there were a lot of conflicts. That took like... at least a full day. When I finally got a prototype modlist working, I tried to get in touch with my friend to get his opinion on the modlist, see if he had any last ideas before I went live with the server... because once it goes live (crucially with terrain generation shit)... with some mods, you kinda have to wipe the server if you're adding new mods later. But he blew me off on the call, refused to talk, said he'd follow up the next day. So... halfway through the rainy next day... around like 4 or 5 PM... I gave the fuck up and devoted like at least 4 fucking hours straight to not only setting everything up and getting it working, but making a giant scrolling png tutorial of stitched together screenshots. In my head, it was not just for this guy, but for any future people who might be joining. But... as things stood at that moment... it was literally only for him. And he reached out at like 10PM that night.

So... like... what ended up happening here was... I was trying to reach this guy, who lived half an hour away... so I could just be on the same page with him about what mods he wanted. To collaborate, before pulling the trigger on shit. And he blew me off. Like... he dodged my call and didn't follow up with me until late the next night. And said he couldn't talk to me... about this... because he was over at his girlfriend's house. Who's name I still don't know. Who he never once even offered to introduce me, in the almost 4 months of us hanging out. And that upset me. Like... you can't take 5 minutes... and just quickly go over some shit I'm literally doing all the leg work on... and paying for... because you're at your girlfriend's house? Like... you can't just step out on the porch and smoke a cigarette and knock that out? Or like... I don't know... include her? Weird shit, man. Still baffles me. And I still stand by it. I still feel like I had a right to be upset about that. And I confronted him on it, I expressed how hurt I was by that, that there wasn't even a plan to follow up with it, especially when I put so much effort into trying to make all this work. That I tried really hard to not ask much, but to be told that you're fucking "busy" because you're over at your girlfriend's house... when like a week prior you disappeared to fucking Scotland for like 4 days just you and her? I mean... Yeah, I dunno. I just don't really feel like I'm welcome in that social circle, you know. I just felt like that could've been handled a bit more reasonably, and a bit kinder? More flexible? And with a year to reflect on it, I still feel the same way.

So... yeah, that's the story that was running through my head when I came over to write this. How I just keep running into people who go nuclear over little conflicts like that. Like... I absolutely have a right to be upset about that. And I have reasons behind it too. And concerns. And to have all of those... immediately dismissed, and stonewalled? And then have them just... snap at me? Over little shit like this too, usually communication shit, like phone calls, staying in touch, coordinating on creative projects, etc. Then like blowing up at me over it and ghosting? Nuking an entire friendship? I just can't do that shit anymore. It's so belittling, so diminutive. Like my concerns and needs are not nearly as important as their need to make that feeling of having someone confront them stop or go the fuck away.

Ugh, that was dark. I've definitely learned a lot since then. And I'd like to say I have tools to work on that differently now. But honestly? I think the only tool I can develop in a situation like that is to walk the fuck away, man. Like, if I can't sit down and have an adult conversation with someone about a concern that I'm having, something that's upsetting me that I'd like to seek a compromise on... and they just tell me I'm unreasonable for even requesting it and storm off? I think I need to stop "seeing the best" in that person... stop giving them chance after chance to "change their mind"... like... "are you sure you don't wanna just talk about it, we can just talk about it..." Instead of that, I think I need to just walk away. I think I need to go "they've made up their mind, it's not my mind to change, if they change their mind in the future they can contact me."

See, I get caught in this dilemma... where I really want to be a good and patient and reasonable guy. I want to stick it out until the end and give it my all. And I endure and endure and persist desperately trying to share and inform and promote dialogue. I am a huge believer in "don't go to bed angry", as in... like... in a relationship, resolve your conflicts before going to bed, rather than putting it off and trying to forget about it... then it just turns into resentment and comes back 10 times worse. So, I end up sticking it out for these grueling sessions with people where they just... lay into me... or shit on me... or gaslight me... or just straight up lash out at me... over petty shit, my simple requests for help, minor concerns or grievances. Everyday shit. And I just catch the motherfuckers on the wrong day or something. And they make it into a warcrime. And I just try to explain. "Officer, I can explain". As though... I did something wrong. Yeah. A lot of this. I've been surrounded by so much of this.

And if it's one thing I've learned this year? Well, D&D taught it a long time ago. Constitution, Strength, Intelligence, Wisdom and Will are all different things. And I thought I was big on Constitution for this shit. But naw, these are Will saves every time. And that's governed by Wisdom. And I can take a lot. Hours of non-stop psychological and emotional battering. I want to be very clear on this for my own self-talk - Not that I deserve that battering, simply that I am capable. But that's not necessarily the Intelligent thing to do. Sometimes the best option is to disengage.

But yeah, enough about this super depressing fucked up shit from my past. It clearly got reopened by therapy, which happens and that's just part of it. I'll be okay, it's actually surprisingly manageable. I just want to get some better vibes into the day.

I worked on the necklace more. I forgot how laborious sanding the Mod Podge off was. It's... a whole thing. It's a process. I started around 11:30ish and got all the big ones sanded and smoothed, and I started on the smaller ones. Then, around 2:30, my finger was cramping and I wanted to take a break. So I played Risk of Rain and kicked some fucking ass in it, finally. So... that's what the late journal entry is about.

So... it wasn't a bad day at all, honestly. There was a lot of good in it. The police corruption RP? I... could do without that... really anxiety inducing, really overwhelming and upsetting to be around that much hate and aggression, fabricated or not. Just pure conflict, it was physically tangible, it was too fucking much. And the streamers watching real PD conflicts and scandals and shit on stream to go with it? I'm not really into it. Too real. I left Twitter specifically because it was flooded with stuff like this and it was fucking with my head.

But I made way more progress on the necklace than I was expecting, and the beads are looking bad-fucking-ass. And my therapist also recommended going to the Roll20 forums and surfing the LFG section, which I have open in another tab right now. That might actually be a thing, I might actually get on board with that. I miss having gaming buddies, playing multiplayer games, and rather than brave the teenage quickplay lobbies in Overwatch or some shit, I'd rather curate a more mature crowd. And who knows, this might be it.

And... it's 6AM. Bed time. XD

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness