#god it makes me sad. id like to kiss someone special. hold their hand. hear em talk hours

[mejomonster]

I would like. To be in mutual love

#rant #yeah... #........................................................................................................................................... #look its like this. im chronically ill. i know its not totally up to me i cant go out 1-3 times a week trying ro meet ppl. i know i #cant even eat some days my tummy too upset. cant work some days cant even sit up. can barely keep up witj friends i already have #and i know the being drained wont get better. i might be this sick forever. and i know im prioritizing my own art over #meetjng strangers. thats a choice. i know its my own fault im lonely. i also just. i wanna build a relationship #that long term where u meet and become friends then best friends then fall in love and hey if ur lucky marry ur best friend #and i know that wont come from forcing myself on dates w ppl i dont like. i know no ones ever liked me before #i know i havent felt attraction in years anyway. i miss having a crush. but i suppose itd be sad anyway. to crush and not be liked back #to feel ill need to wait another 5 years for another rare crush. i dont believe in fate i dont think. so i might not ever #kiss someoje i like. i might not get lucky and hold a crushs hand. spend months or years with someone like that #i just. i hate so much romance isnt like skills. i cant just date 1x a week until i run into love #i cant even find 1 person a month to crush on let alone ask out. cause the feelings are luck too #luck of who u run into even if u go tl events. even wuen i had 10k tinder matches the only date #the only person who respjded. was someone with a gf who didnt have much in common with me and me not mucj w them and it #was just not enough click to even make a friend #god it makes me sad. id like to kiss someone special. hold their hand. hear em talk hours #i have friends and love em but i dont wanna kiss a friend. i just dont feel romancy very much.

[angstysebfan]

Would you mind doing a oneshot where Bucky is proposing to you and as you were about to answer you receive news that your ex whom you presumed to be dead is actually alive and within the vicinity. You rush to him and have a reunion leaving Bucky feeling abandoned and forgotten. Ending is all up to you 💛 your angst is great 💛💛💖

Oh boy this hurts me just reading it! lmao! Thank you for this amazing request! Hope you like it!

--

Who Should I Choose?

Bucky walked with you down the Brooklyn Bridge, your hand in his, feeling nervous. He was going to do it! He was finally going to propose and hopefully spend the rest of his life with you by his side. You both met 2 years ago when you officially joined the team. You had always been a part of SHIELD, but not in New York, so you never worked with the Avengers.

Bucky had heard about you though. You were tough as nails, fought hard, and were one of the nicest people on the planet. He also heard you had lost your long time boyfriend on a mission. You decided to relocate to New York to start over, and the Avengers were more than happy to accommodate. When Bucky met you, he immediately took a liking towards you, and vice versa. You both became confidants for each other, and eventually the feelings shifted into more.

You took awhile to allow yourself to love again, but when you did allow yourself to love Bucky, you never regretted it. You knew Michael brought Bucky to your life so that you wouldn’t be alone. You started slow, but over the last year, you both have been so very happy. Bucky wanted to make sure he never lost you, so a few weeks ago he went out and bought a ring and planned for this very special night.

He brought you back to where you both had your first date, and decided that proposing on the Brooklyn Bridge would be romantic and private from the rest of the team, who was anxious for the engagement news. Once you both got to the middle of the bridge, Bucky pulled your hand to make you stop and look at him.

“Y/N, I love you,” Bucky said, trying to gain the courage to do this.

You smiled warmly at him, “I love you Bubs,” you said leaning in to kiss him softly.

Bucky grabbed onto your waist and pulled you closer, and your arms wrapped around his neck. He continued to kiss you passionately to give himself time to get his thoughts together and do this. When he finally felt he was ready he pulled back and smiled at you.

“I know we have only dated a year, but it’s been the best damn year of my very long life. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. You mean everything to me, and--”

Bucky was interrupted by your cellphone ringing. You pulled it out, “I’ll ignore it, sorry,” you said looking down at the phone. However, when you saw the same on the caller ID, your heart stopped and your breathing hitched. It couldn’t be. No way could Michael be calling. He... he was killed on that mission. They never found his body, but plenty of blood.

You looked up at Bucky, your face pale and your eyes filling with tears. “Y/N? What is it?” Bucky asked concerned.

You clicked the button to answer and put the phone to your ear. When you heard the voice, you immediately choked on a sob, “Y/N? Baby... is that you?” Michael’s voice came through the ear piece.

“Michael? Is-is it really you? I...” you can’t speak for fear of your voice cracking.

“Oh baby, I am so sorry. I’m alive! It took me so long to get away, but I’m alive baby! I’m in New York, looking for you!” he said. You look out over the bridge, trying to figure out what you should do.

“Michael, where are you?” you ask, trying to keep the tears at bay. 

When Michael told you where he was, you asked him to wait there and hung up. You looked at the man before you, suddenly feeling sick. “Bucky... Michael is alive,” you say finally letting the tears fall.

Bucky pulls you into a hug, his own heart breaking. There is no way he will ever compete with your first love. He knows he lost, and now he knows he will be alone. He pulls back and kisses your forehead, “Let’s take you to him,” he says quietly.

--

When Bucky pulls up to the destination, you see Michael standing there. You jump out of the car and run into his arms, allowing yourself to cry. Michael holds you close, kissing the top of your head and whispering how sorry he was that he left you.

You couldn’t explain what you were feeling. You were so happy to have Michael in your arms again. Something you never thought possible. After what seemed like forever you pulled away from Michael slowly, but he wouldn’t let you leave his arms. He leaned in to kiss your lips, but you turned away, remembering the man, who you also loved, was sitting in the car watching you.

“Michael? There is someone I want you to meet,” you say, pulling out of Michael’s embrace. 

You walked over the to car and waved for Bucky to come to you. Bucky sighed defeatedly, but exited the car and walked over to you. You grabbed his hand and gave him a squeeze, “Michael, this is Bucky Barnes. We have been seeing each other for a year now,” you say.

Michael looked at Bucky and immediately recognized who he was. He looked back at you in shock, “Wow. I, uh, an Avenger?” Michael said, at a loss for words. 

You nodded, “Yes, I am one now too,” you said.

Michael smiled at that, “Of course. You were the best on the team,” he said with pride. He reached out for Bucky’s hand, and they both shook.

Michael looked back at you, “Do you think we could hang out for a bit? Talk, catch up?” he asked.

You looked up at Bucky, who avoided your eyes. You knew exactly what he was thinking, but you wanted a chance to speak with Michael. See if there was still something there. You didn’t want to lead either man on. Neither of them deserved it. “Sure, just give me a few minutes, okay?” you say to Michael, and pull Bucky back to the car,

Bucky keeps his head down as his heart shatters into a million pieces. Tonight was supposed to be the best night of his life, and it has turned into the worst. You cup Bucky’s cheeks and force him to look at you, “Buck, this does not mean I am breaking up with you. I’m just confused, and I need to talk with him to clarify what I am feeling. But please know I love you,” you say trying hard not to cry.

Bucky pulls you into a hug and kisses your head, “I get it, Doll. Go. Spend time with him. Take some time to figure out your feelings. I’ll be here no matter what you decide,” Bucky says. 

You nod and peck his lips softly, before turning back and walking toward Michael. Bucky gets back in his car and drives away. All he keeps thinking is that he most likely lost you, and he can’t even be mad at you for it. Michael was your first love, and if there was a chance for you both, he was going to sacrifice his happiness for you. Though now he knows he was never meant for love. He was never meant to be happy. This is just another form of punishment for the crimes he committed as the soldier.

--

When Bucky returned to the tower, he immediately went to his room and locked the door, not letting anyone in. He laid in his bed and wondered how he would be able to be near you, once you chose Michael. He knows that’s what will happen. It’s the only thing that would make sense. Even if you did love him, it is nothing compared to Michael. 

Bucky let some tears fall as he looked around his room and saw all things that reminded him of you. As well as some of your things you had scattered about. He grabbed a box and started to pack everything up, not wanting to look at it anymore. Tears continued to pour out of his eyes as he dropped another thing into the box. 

After a few hours, FRIDAY informed him that you wanted entry into the room. Bucky tried to swallow the lump in his throat, and allowed you to enter. When you walked in, you had a bright smile on your face, which made Bucky feel even worse. You smile slipped suddenly when you noticed his room was missing things, mostly yours. You turned and saw the box on the chair and looked back at Bucky in confusion.

“I figured I would get started packing your things now,” he said with a shrug, trying to play off that it didn’t affect him. 

But you knew Bucky better than anyone, even Steve. “Oh. So you know my decision then?” you asked. 

Bucky nodded, “It only makes sense. He was your first love. I can’t compete with that,” Bucky said sitting on the edge of his bed, looking at the ground. You walked over and sat next to him, keeping some distance.

“You don’t even want to hear what I have to say?” you ask quietly, looking at him.

Bucky sniffed, “I don’t want to hear you say goodbye. I don’t think I could handle it. I love you, Y/N. More than anything. If I have to give you up so you could be happy, I will. Even though it will kill me inside. I know I don’t deserve you, and he does,” Bucky says, tears again falling.

You stand up, and Bucky waits for the door to close behind you, but instead you kneel in front of him and cup his cheeks again. “You deserve the world and more, Bucky Barnes. You deserve all the happiness life could provide someone. I want to make sure you are so happy that you forget what sadness is. Marry me?” you ask. 

Bucky’s head shoots up and he looks at you, “What?” he asks.

You smile and wipe the tears from his cheeks with your thumbs. “I love you, Bubs. Yes, I still love Michael, but I didn’t know what true love was until you. I know you were going to ask me tonight, and I am so sorry I ruined it, but I hope by me asking you, I saved the night?”

Bucky pulled you into a strong embrace, “God I love you,” he whispered into your hair in disbelief.

You laughed and pulled away slightly before kissing him. After a few moments you ask, “So? Will you make me the happiest person on Earth, and spend the rest of your life with me?”

Bucky takes the blue velvet box out of his pocket and shows you the ring. You offer your left hand, and he slips the ring on your finger, a perfect fit. “Nothing would make me happier, then spending the rest of my life with you, Doll. I love you,” he says.

You both stand and hug each other, slightly swaying. You start to just dance in each other’s arms without music. The beating sounds of your hearts was enough of a rhythm. Bucky looked down at you and smiled before bringing your lips to his for a perfect kiss.

Life together was going to be everything you both wanted and more.

--

Hope you liked it!! I try for the happy endings because Bucky deserves happiness too!! lol

Permanent Taglist:  @hailmary-yramliah @tuiccim @comedictragedy @cap-n-stuff @thefridgeismybestie @aleaisntcreative @lookiamtrying @pinknerdpanda @morganclaire4 @iamvalentinaconstanza @verygraphicink @im-squished @joannie95 @peace-love-hobbitness @connie326 @arundhati1609 @amandamdiehl​ @harrysthiccthighss​ @its-izzys​ @roserose26​ @rebekahdawkins @elegantobservationstudentsblog @broco8​ @bestofbucky @white-wolf1940 @loser-alert @jassy2101

#Bucky Barnes #james buchanan barnes #james bucky barnes #Bucky angst #bucky fanfic #bucky x reader #bucky x y/n #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader

[gaymershigh]

Hello! I saw your askbox and open and read your rules and you are right, it's not often I see Male×Male reader inserts in the TWST fandom. So, I'd thought I'd request some to help the cause! If I may, can I request some headcannons of dorm leaders of TWST×Male!Reader who is in their dorm and has been noticeably stressed in their schoolwork and one night is seen super stressed out and the dorm leader's fellow students pull the reader aside and hand the reader over to the dorm leader because the reader refuse to listen to anyone else?

Of course you may! Tbh, this is such a nice request, I enjoy doing multiple characters, but it's so difficult for me to write for Azul and Vil in this hc for some reason??

REMINDER: Don't overwork yourself just because you don't think it's enough! The fact that you're trying is already amazing! Please remember to take care of your health because you matter! 💜

Triggers: None!

Dorm Leaders dealing with a stressed Male!Reader

Ever since Riddle got a text from Trey and its about his boyfriend doing his schoolwork on ungodly hours he was worried, very worried.

He wants to come to you and make a 2 hour speech about how you shouldn't overwork yourself but he barely has anytime as well, he's a very busy man as well.

So he decided to order your friends, Ace and Deuce to tell you to not overwork yourself. Hell, he even prepared a script for them.

Of course, it didn't work. It was so obvious it was from a script because Deuce sounds so robotic and Ace kept correcting Deuce. Your stubbornness makes it even more awkward and worse.

He ordered Trey and Cater this time, with a whole new script too.

They did a good job and all, but it also failed because your ass is so stubborn and Cater is pretty impatient and kept using his phone.

This only made you stressed out even more because these mofos probably dont understand how you feel.

Deuce's dense ass noticed this and told Ace about it. And that's how Ace got a big brain idea.

You were screaming, usually, the ADeuce duo usually stays at your dorm to chill while you do your work and NOT drag you to their dorm.

They shoved you to Riddle's room and what you're not expecting was your boyfriend showing a very worried face.

He immediately hugged you tightly before you could say a word. He cupped your face and caressed your cheek.

“My sweetheart, please don't overwork yourself, it's unhealthy for you. From now on, only work yourself for 2 hours max. Come now, let's drink some tea together.”

He knows that something's up when you haven't been hanging out with him for a while.

He misses his herbivore so much, he misses cuddling his boyfriend but he's too prideful to admit.

When he found out you've been doing your schoolwork 24/7 by Ruggie, his response is indecisive but on the inside he's bothered.

Since he's too lazy to move on his very comfortable position, he threatened ordered his dorm members to convince you to stop overstressing yourself.

Knowing Savanaclaw, of course they failed, there was no hope to begin with. It was a disaster. They tried but they're way too intimidating for you to even listen to their words. Thank god Ruggie was there to bail them out so it wasn't too awkward.

This made Leona very moody. Not only he cannot snuggle with you, his plan failed and he now forces himself to sleep alone in pain. Boohoo.

Ruggie can't stand this man's temper tantrums so he just snatched you away from your dorm and toss you to a sleeping Leona.

The lazy lion woke up immediately when he recognized your scent. Since he's still sleepy however, he just pulled you to his bed and hugged you close with his tail wrapped on your leg

“Hmph, you chose your schoolwork over me and had the audacity to not meet up for the entire week? You're not going anywhere this time, especially with you in my arms.”

He won't blame you to be honest. He overworks himself too and ignore your warnings multiple times. However, that doesn't mean he's not going to do anything about it.

He at least has time to spend with you but you didn't. Of course that made the octopus upset and he's not gonna five up when it comes to you.

He stalks you everytime he gets the chance. Your stressed expression really displeases him. He wants to do something about this so bad but he doesn't want to disturb his already stressed boyfriend.

Jade caught on to Azul's bizarre behavior and he cam up with an idea to surprise both of you.

“Kidnapping shrimpy? Ok!” of course Floyd would say yes, it's Floyd.

You're screaming in distress and confusion. Just a second ago you were messaging your temples because you couldn't mesmerize what Mr. Trein taught you and now you're getting kidnapped by the Leech twins, what a surprise. An unwelcome one at that.

Azul was shocked when he hears your cries as the twins dropped you off his room, still tied in ropes and leaving like nothing happened.

Azul untied you, explaining theories as to why they would do such things, but when he does got the right answer, he blushed in embarrassment. He caused this.

He placed a soft kiss and holds your hand gently.

“I apologize for causing a huge ruckus. It's just I missed you when you barely replied to my calls and texts and you kept working and that made me worried sick! I'm sorry that I sound selfish but.. Could you stay here a bit longer, please?”

Oh dear. How could you say no to that?

Ok first of all how could you even ignore him? He always keep coming to you and basically screaming at you.

Your stress may could have took the you over and may accidentally snapped at him for being too noisy.

This made him sad and left the room. BUT HEY AT LEAST YOU GOT SOME PEACE AND QUIET AM I RIGHT?

But if you think that's gonna make him upset??? You're his wonderful boyfriend! His treasure! No matter what, just seeing thinking of you makes him happy again.

This didn't last as you kept ignoring his daily chat with you and his messages and calls. This wasn't okay.

This genuinely made him stressed as well, he probably doesn't even exist to you anymore. Despite it just being 2 days if felt like forever since you talk to him or even looking at him with a smile.

Kalim wanted to spend fun times with his boyfriend like always. Not just sit there and look at him groaning at the worksheet every now and then.

He missed you so much. Even though he sees you, it just doesn't feel the same.

He got less happier as the days go by, everyone got worried sick. Even Jamil felt disturbed about it, usually he would be living the life when Kalim's quiet.

Everything's the usual today. Kalim visiting you and he's quiet again. You of course felt bad but you really need to pass this test.

But out of nowhere, you kept getting text messages from Jamil screaming to you about talking to Kalim and how pathetic he looks when sad.

When you turned around, your heart shattered to pieces. There it is, a sad Kalim in tears, curling himself on your bed to at least have your scent on him.

You stopped what you're doing and hop on tour bed and press his face against the crook of your neck, muttering sorry.

“Ahhh! I miss you so much,habibi!(my love) please don't overwork yourself and ignore me! I love you so much and seeing you date your homework then dating me hurts me! Please dont leave me! I'll be the best boyfriend ever!”

Who do you think you are, to ignore your lover's calling just for a paper of misery? How foolish.

Vil understood that your future is important to you, but do you really need to worry when you're dating the Vil Schoenheit? The beautiful, rich man who spoils you every single day?

Not only that, stress causes wrinkles and you're also ruining your sleep schedule?! Unacceptable.

He kept ranting to you about how greasy your hair and how big the bags under your eyes are.

To the point you have to lock your door to refrain him for entering and rant. You're already stressing out and there's literally no way you're going to hear about your dramatic boyfriend moan about your appearance.

He kept calling and texting you and you also ignore that. If anything you gave good morning texts or either leave him on read.

And he's not tolerating that.

His job was easier to handle than the others. He can just ask Rook to kidnap you and he would oblige and do so in an instant.

And he just did that.

Unlike the others, you know exactly what's going to happen when Rook is violently dragging you to Pomefiore. He's going to put you in Vil's room, listen to him rant for a few hours and do beauty things or whatever.

Well, have of that did happen when Rook closed Vil's door. He did rant but what your not expecting was him being very gentle and sweet.

“I knew it, you got increasingly worse. Oh well, I will refix this mess later. But for now, you should rest right beside me. No leaving no matter the circumstances, you understand, potato?”

I mean, of course you're gonna ignore him, he's just a gross, weeby loser. There's no way he can impact your life positively in any single way. If anything, he probably causes trouble to his you anyway.

He doesn't really wanna stop you, he really cherishes you and your choices even if they're not good and losing someone like you is probably gonna take years to move on to.

Poor Ortho, he needs to hear his brother rant about his boyfriend not being able to see nor play games with because he's busy working himself.

But this made Ortho worry. Not only id his brother is sad but you're risking your health to do schoowork! That's no good.

This made you confused. Ortho kept muttering about your health status to himself everytime you pass by the hallways.

And everyday, your stress levels increase and your health is deteriorating.

He needs to make you rest at all cost but he knows your stubborn. So he has to do one thing that makes your knees weak.

His very own special puppy eyes.

Ortho innocently dragged you to Idia without either of you guy's knowledge.

When Idia finds out, he immediately apologized for the inconvenience he caused and you might have to be the one to comfort him.

“I'M SERIOUSLY SO SORRY! I just really wanted to play games with you and hangout with you like usual.. Eh? You will?? REALLY!?”

At first, the fae didn't even realise you are stressing despite showing a few signals.

Until you start ignoring him. Then you got a pouty Malleus. (aw)

He doesn't understand why you're struggling with Mr. Divus' homework, it seems so easy to him, why is it so hard for you?

That made you upset and he still doesn't know why.

He never had a boyfriend like you before so of course he's not gonna understand gen z struggles. Spare him please.

Lilia gave him some tips, only for it to be tricks and make you more upset. snide mf

Seeing a sad Malleus made Sebek upset, then mad.

He asked Lilia what's wrong with his young master.

And when he found out you're replacing him with your schoolwork and then for some reason 'stressing' about it??

How rude!

Sebek kept nagging at you to stop working and pay attention to your damn boyfriend but you couldn't care less about Sebek and his shenanigans.

You only start sweating when he suddenly yanked your arm and dragged you to Diasomnia.

And what you see is a pouty Malleus playing with his little game.

When you sat next to him, he immediately wrapped you in his arms.

“My darling, I plead for you not to pressure yourself in something that only destroys you even more. What progress you have done is enough for today but as of now, you need rest. Release all your negativity away, love.”

This is literally my second work but I already feel like a failure.

-𝕸𝖎𝖗𝖎

#twisted wonderland #twst wonderland #twst writing #twst azul #twst leona #twst riddle #twst kalim #twst vil #twst idia #twst malleus #riddle rosehearts #riddle x reader #leona kingscholar #leona x reader #azul ashengrotto #azul x reader #kalim al asim #kalim x reader #vil schoenheit #vil x reader #idia shroud #idia x reader #malleus draconia #malleus x reader #twisted wonderland x mc #twisted wonderland x you #twisted wonderland x reader #male reader #x male reader

[nihyunluvskookie]

his wedding //.//

“Jungkook one shot”

Pairing: Jeon Jungkook x female reader

Genre: Angst

Warnings: mention of blood, glass and wine

Word count: 3.2 K

A/N: I wanted to write something but I wrote this :”) If you want a song recommendations to listen while reading listen to 🎶 Can you hear my heart 🎶 by Epik High ft Lee Hi

[1:50 AM]

I kept the fourth wine bottle on the table and held my wine glass which was half empty, I reached out for my phone, I looked at the wallpaper and started smiling. “Oh, so this is our end after 7 years? Right. You are going to marry someone else tomorrow after promising that we will be together.” I was smiling, I don’t know why and unknowingly my tears started falling. “This is way too much, I thought I will be able to manage and co-operate with this situation. But, how could I? You are my first love. And I can’t forget my first love who was with me for 7 years. We didn’t meet after our 7th year anniversary. I can’t say goodbye to you because it’s hard to say goodbye but I will do it tomorrow, on your wedding”

Everything that happened, that night I wish I could forget and make a new start but tell me how to do that? I want to forget you and think that you are one of those random guys who always make fake promises but I can’t. I am ready to attend your wedding and give myself pain so that I will be able to forget you instead of missing you; once I see your wedding, I will see you as someone else’s husband. I will not tell myself that you will come back and hold me tight like you used to do.

TELL ME WHAT MORE TO DO TO FORGET YOU AND TO STOP HOPING MORE? TELL ME JUNGKOOK

In anger, my grip was getting tighter on the glass and eventually it broke due to pressure and the pieces were scattered everywhere. I swear it didn’t pain, I liked the feeling and blood. My hand was bleeding. I held the pieces in my hand and tried crushing them but it didn’t work and I was frustrated so I thew the pieces on the floor.  I was angry on myself.

5 DAYS AGO; 7TH ANNIVERSARY

[7 PM]

I was getting ready for dinner, I wanted to surprise him by taking him out today for dinner date. I texted him to come home fast and get ready. I let my hair down and applied nude makeup. I looked at myself in the mirror, a blue knee length dress with a sweetheart neckline and a heart shape pendant gifted by Jungkook. I heard the bell; I went running down the stairs because I know who it was. I opened the door and he came in, I looked at him; he was holding flower bouquet which was hiding his face. I hugged him tight, I was holding him tight, “Ayyyyyyyy aren’t you going to give this bouquet to me? Huh?” I wanted to tease him but he never hugged me back; I held his hands and saw him smiling, it wasn’t his normal smile. We came to the living room. He didn’t give me bouquet and I looked at him, I was having an urge to ask him what’s wrong? Why does it look like he is broken? Is it hurt? Did I hurt him?

He hugged me, all of a sudden and it was tight. I could feel something was wrong, I broke the hug and looked at him, his eyes said something I couldn’t understand.

“Kookie are you okay? Huh? Are you sad?” I looked at him but he was avoiding my gaze; he was looking down all the time.

“Jungkook, tell me. What’s wrong?”

“Jungkook, tell me. Please” I was getting worried, very worried.

“I… I love you” he said me those words.

“I love you too Jungkook” I smiled at him. “now tell me what happened? Please, Kookie. I am here by your side” I was worried, I was requesting him but he looked like he wasn’t going to say anything. I know my limits; I can’t force him to say everything. I will give him his own personal space.

“Jungkook, if you are not going to say, I won’t force y-

“I am getting married” he said,

“Wow! I am so happ- wait what? You- Jungkook” I looked at him, the flower bouquet he was holding fell on floor.

“Jungkook? You are getting what?” I hate his jokes, I was angry. Definitely this is the worst joke ever, my tears were falling already.

“Jungkook stop this type of joke, okay? I hate your jokes. Tell me it’s a joke. Please” I was holding his arms, I wanted him to say, this is a lie.

“Jungkoook!” I screamed. I couldn’t stop crying, I couldn’t. This is what I get after spending and loving a guy for 7 years.

He hugged me, I was hitting him, why is he doing like this and specially today, he could’ve said it other day but no, he chooses today. “Let me go Jungkook, right now” I was trying to get out of his grip but he was holding me tight.

“Jungkook. LET ME GO. I SAID LET ME GO” I was shouting but it was in vain.

“How can I let you go when I love you? Tell me Y/N?” he was crying, my bare shoulder was getting wet, I can get hurt but I can’t see him hurt. I can’t.

“Jungkook, let me go. You are getting married. Kookie, let me go and don’t cry. Please Jungkook you’re hurting me more.”

“Tell me how could I not agree when dad threatened me by saying he will destroy your career and make your life miserable. How could I let you suffer? Tell me! I can’t let him do that” his words were making me cry more. I was sobbing harder and his grip around me was getting tighter “This is all because of the damn business. I hate business relationships. I don’t even know the girl, and dad said she loves me; does that makes any sense? I am ready to do anything for not letting you get hurt. I am sorry.”

“Jungkook, stop.” My mind was a mess, he is doing this to protect me? What kind of protection? Without him? Business? I know it very well and that was the reason I left my family and started my new career.

I can’t ruin him and his future.

“Jungkook. Stop everything and leave.” I took a step back from him.

“I am going to love you and you only, even if I get married I can’t forg-

“Jungkook, go. I hate you. Go now. I don’t need you. That’s it”

“Y/N listen it’s nothing like that”

“Go away. I said I hate you.”

“Y/N I know you don’t mean it. You love me.” His eyes were getting more teary, just to stop hurting him and getting in between his new life; I had only one idea and that was to push him away. Living as his mistress? Never, I would feel worse for his wife. I don’t want to be a girl who takes away someone’s husband.

“I hate you. Jungkook I SAID GO.” It was very obvious that he wasn’t buying my lies; which fool will buy my lies after loving him like that.

He was coming near me and I was taking each step backward; I was ready to do anything to end us right now. I can’t get him hurt. Soon I was in a dead end, my back felt the kitchen counter. “you can’t go anywhere now.”

“Jungkook-

“Will you still push me if I tell you how much I love you.” He pressed his lips against mine, his kiss was soft and it was melting me, he pulled me closer. His touches were working on me like they always did. My tears were falling, I can’t get weak. I pushed him with all the force I had, I slapped him. “Stop forcing me Jungkook. I said I hate you; do you get it?” my screams were louder than anything. I know how shit I felt when I slapped him. I hate myself for doing this to him.

“Y/N this is not you, right?”

“You haven’t seen me like this and this is my true self." I was pushing Jungkook and anyhow I managed to bring him near the door. He was getting weak too, and he will never push me because he knows. I pushed him hard to and he was outside my house. I slammed the door infront of his face, his eyes; those eyes I can never forget them. Those sad eyes will haunt me forever for being so harsh on him. I finally hurt him. He was hitting the door again and again “Y/N open the door. For god sake, please. Y/N please. Listen to me”

I can’t bear to hear to his voice not after what happened here. I walked up to the living room and picked up the flower bouquet. I went back to my room and in anger I started punching the wall, I hit the window glass and it broke. My hands were bleeding. The blue dress I was wearing now was painted with my blood. I broke down then and there. I hurt him, I did it. I hurt the one whom I loved more than love. My phone kept ringing; I didn’t bother to look up at that. I was hurt, I was letting a person go whom I treasured more than my life. Both of us are hurt but there’s no way I am going back to him just to ruin his life. ‘You did well Y/N.’ I said to myself to feel better but it wasn’t even working.

[PRESENT]

[2:00 AM]

“You know, Kookie, I finally got courage after 3 days to go out and I was a mess. I managed to find a beautiful white dress; that I will wear in your wedding. I am sure you will say, I am looking pretty like the way you did always. But this time I will push you again”. I was smiling, I was still looking at our picture. “I need to change the wallpaper”

“Ahh, I need to look good tomorrow, because it’s your wedding” and I was crying again. I left the mess there. I went back to my room and opened the first aid kit. I cleaned the blood and took out the pieces of glass which were piercing through my skin. My knuckle was starting to get better but now my hand. It didn’t hurt anymore. After cleaning and applying bandage, I charged my phone and tried sleeping. Another night with tears and nightmare.

[HIS WEDDING]

[10 AM]

I was changing the dressing of my hand. I did it carefully, I can’t be careless anymore. I need to work, from tomorrow. I quickly changed myself into the white dress I brought that day for his wedding. I let my hair down and keeping my side bangs perfectly. I applied very light makeup and wore the pendant he gifted me. I wore the bracelet and the watch. I looked at the time, it was nearly time, Jimin said he will come and pick me up.

Jimin being our mutual, I can’t cut off my connections with him just because of Jungkook. I heard my phone ring, I looked at the caller id, it was Jimin. I took my sling bag and went down. I saw Jimin’s car outside. I locked my house; I saw him standing outside his car, he was holding a bouquet of roses. He was smiling at me. “Pretty lady.”

“Thankyou Jimin. You look like a gentleman” I smiled at him.

“Thankyou but will you be okay? He still doesn’t know you are attending. Are you sure?” he was worried, his face said it all.

“I am okay. And I can count on you if something happens, right? I believe you Jimin.” I reassured him, with a smile. I know what I am going through and I can’t let myself down infront of myself.

“Yes. You got me, and here’s the bouquet you asked me to buy. Now let’s go” he gave me the bouquet and we drove.

The journey wasn’t that long and the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. Soon we reached the church. We got down. I am standing infront of the church. After tormenting myself for days.

“Y/N hold my arm, let’s go inside together. Okay?” He looked at me with a soft smile. I nodded; holding the bouquet in my hand we went inside the church. I saw a lot of people, his friends, Jungkook’s family too.

After sometime, Jungkook came standing near the father; I held Jimin’s arm tightly. I was getting anxious. I was looking down and the moment I looked at Jungkook, he eyes looked at me. He was taken aback after looking at me, his face was blank. He looked like a perfect human being, he was wearing tuxedo and his hair perfectly pulled back, his face looked perfect as usual. He had a tight smile before but now it’s gone. It felt like his eyes wanted to tell me something, something that only I can understand. I wanted to smile but it more than tough. I wanted to but I couldn’t, I finally managed to smile at him while holding back my tears from falling.

“Y/N are you okay? Do you want to leave?” Jimin asked me.

“No Jimin, I am okay. I want to congratulate both of them, then both of us can leave together. Now look at Jungkook, he looks perfect here. This is his happiest day of his life” I said him trying hard not to cry. Jimin, dragged me to a corner where only we could talk.

“Y/N you know it very well, this isn’t his happiest day but the worst day of his life. I know I shouldn’t say but you don’t know how he tortured past five days and he was self-loathing. He stopped everything and wanted to see you and only you. You were unavailable. He was broken too just like you. He loved you with all his heart and getting married to someone else for him was the biggest punishment. He was even ready to divorce this girl af-

“Jimin, I don’t want to live as a girl who stole someone’s husband. And do you think I wanted to meet him and tell him that everything will be fine after he came to my home and said he is getting married? Do you know how hard it was for me to cooperate with myself at that time? Do you think I never loved him? I loved him that much that I let him go. And marriage is not a joke, how can he say that he can divorce that girl who did nothing wrong but just loved him. She is going to give him and his family things I can’t give, his family will be better in business. Do you even know how much better I feel after looking at him right now?” Jimin took my hand.

“Do you think this will help? Y/N taking out anger on yourself and self-harming will help you?”

“Jimin stop. It’s nothing like that. Please.” I wanted to hold back my tears but can’t anymore. I broke down there. I never cried infront of Jimin.  My tears were unstoppable.

“Y/N I am sorry” he hugged me. I was sobbing, he kept saying sorry and I kept denying his apologizes because he did nothing wrong. He wiped my tears. “Y/N you don’t look good when you cry. Awwww stop crying.” He made me chuckle. I smiled looking at him.

“Now let’s go. I need to see the bride” I said and he nodded

We went back to where we were, it looked like Jungkook’s eyes were finding me. We heard that the bride is coming. I looked at Jungkook, he looked like his mind was a mess. I saw the girl walking with her dad in the aisle. I was still managing to smile with all my might. Even if I am sad for myself, I am happy for the girl who is going to have Jungkook as her husband because I know how Jungkook is. She was looking pretty and I am going to accept my fate.

I saw the girl’s dad gave her hand to Jungkook. Jungkook took and his eyes never leaving mine. The father started saying the bows. It was Jungkook’s turn to say, ‘I do’. Deep inside my heart I thought maybe he will say, ‘I don’t’ because maybe he wants to be with me. Maybe, there’s nothing wrong in hoping a bit. I didn’t realize the whole time that I was holding Jimin’s arms just too tightly.

My heart broke into millions of pieces when he said “I do”. I was holding myself from crying and I couldn’t anymore. I was crying and how badly I wanted to tell him, I still love you Jungkook. Everything looks like it slowed down.

My sight was a blur because of tears. I couldn’t see anything clearly anymore. I heard father asking the girl and she said “I don’t”. Everyone was shocked, I thought I was hallucinating.

“Jungkook, how can you say ‘I DO’ when you love someone else and she is crying in that corner?”

Jimin looked at me and I was still looking at the girl, she was coming near me, I saw her holding my hand and she smiled, a bitter sweet smile. When I looked at Jungkook, I was standing infront of him and people were looking at us and Jimin was surprised. “Y/N” I heard Jungkook say.

“Father, he should be marrying her, not me. There was a mistake. Father please understand this situation and please take their bows.”

This girl was about to leave, I held her wrist. “why are you doing this? I don’t even know you.”

“He loves you and you love him, do you think I can see him tormenting himself because he married me instead of you? I’ve seen him since past week and that was horrible. I don’t want him to suffer like that his whole life. I can fall in love again but he can never forget you and so do you. I saw you crying in the corner with his friend Jimin. So, take care of him and yourself” she looked at my hand. “We can talk after your wedding”

“Father I will excuse myself now” she said and left.

Rings were exchanged and father took the bow. This time Jungkook had a bright smile and eh said “I do” and it was my turn to say, I wanted to say but is it right to say? I was in a dilemma. I am getting married to Jeon Jungkook and this is my wedding. Is this even real? I looked at that girl who was supposed to be standing here instead of me. She nooded and smiled at me whereas Jungkook was hoping the same answer as him. I took a deep breath and looked at him, “I do” I said and I could feel the crowd cheering.

“Now you may kiss the bride”

“I love you Y/N” Jungkook said, I repeated after him “I love you too Jungkook” and the very next moment I felt his lips on me, it was a tender kiss as usual; but this time this kiss had emotions. His hands were on my waist and my hands automatically went around his neck. We held each other which intension of not letting go and a longing kiss. His right hand left my waist and trailed toward my hand; he held my hand tightly and we parted because we were out of breath. Both of us were breathing heavily, “never do this again because I am never letting you go. I love you” I heard him say pointing it to my hand. The crowd was cheering for us.

“I announce both of you as Mr. and Mrs. Jeon”

#JUNGKOOK #bts jungkook #jk #jk bts #angst #angst with a happy ending #bts #bts imagines #bts army #bts jk #bts angst #bts fluff #dark #kpop au #music #jungkook bts #kpop angst #kpop imagines #kpopidol #kpop #jungkookie #hurt #sad #im saddd #saddest #saddening #jimin #wedding #Jungkook angst

[gold-from-straw]

Enough - ch 9/9

Aaaah! It’s finished!! Thank you SO MUCH for all your lovely lovely messages, this fandom is GORGEOUS and so kind <3 <3 <3 This final chapter is almost an epilogue, written from Erik’s POV, and almost entirely fluffy ^_^ or as close as I get to fluff lol! I hope you like it!

Read from the beginning on AO3 if you like!

Erik felt Charles’s mind whirling with anxiety even as he stood perfectly still with a polite smile on his face. He sighed, and imagined a twisting band of iron tangling itself in the maelstrom of Charles’ thoughts, capturing him, holding him still.

Beside him, Charles jumped, his eyes going wide. He turned and smiled sheepishly at Erik. “How do you do that? It’s like… being hugged inside my own head.”

“I have a very visual imagination,” he said with a smirk. Charles blushed, and tried to look reproachful, but really, with the filthy thoughts flooding his own mind he had no room for such hypocrisy. Erik reached out an arm and tugged him close by the scruff of his neck. “Calm down, Liebchen. My mother is going to adore you.”

“Just because you adore me, doesn’t mean everyone else is so misguided,” Charles teased. Erik heard the thread of pleading beneath his words, in the place where his thoughts still tangled with Erik’s.

The past months had been a relationship like nothing Erik had ever imagined, let alone experienced. It had taken weeks of careful reassurance to convince Charles that Erik really did want him around - in every way. Charles was so painfully desperate to please, and yet his self-esteem was so completely shrivelled, that Erik found himself constructing elaborate revenge fantasies while he worked, scenes where he punched Kurt Marko in the face until his own knuckles bled. Or where he kicked Charles’ Oxford roommate down the stairs for trying to manipulate him into cheating. When Charles came across those thoughts one unguarded moment, he blinked up at him, shocked.

“You know very well I’m not a very nice person, Charles,” he said with a shrug.

Charles thought for a moment, then straddled his knees and pressed close for a hug. “That’s not true, Erik. Your thoughts are not your actions, and nobody’s hurt when you think such things.”

Erik pulled him back to look at him seriously. “You should know that I would do those things if I ever saw you in such situations, though. I wouldn’t hesitate.”

“I know,” he said, blue eyes gazing at him in wonder.

Now waiting in the airport for his mother to arrive, Erik tugged him close and embraced him, resting his chin on his head. Charles retreated from his mind a little, the edge of his telepathy just skating noticeably on the surface. It felt to Erik a bit like holding hands. He knew Charles was there, Charles knew he could dive into the sanctuary of Erik’s mind at any moment, but they were separate most of the time. It was very similar to the way Erik sometimes played with Charles’ watch strap, tightening and loosening it with his power absent-mindedly.

Charles shifted in his hold and sent him a thought he’d picked up off the surface of one of the airport employees. Erik jumped a little to hear a woman’s voice speak straight into his own mind, but squeezed Charles’ waist. “Sounds like Mutti will be here soon, then.”

Charles took a deep breath and straightened out, brushing his blazer down and looking for stray crumbs or creases. He even glanced through Erik’s eyes at himself, and Erik made a point of lingering his gaze on Charles’ arse. “Very funny,” Charles said, trying to conceal a smile, and failing. “I want to look smart, I don’t care what my backside looks like.”

“You look perfect,” he laughed, then looked up, his attention homing in on the feel of a set of slim golden bands he knew so well. “Ah, there she is! Mutti!”

He waved at his mother, and she did a little skip when she saw him across the arrivals lounge, waving back wildly and hurrying towards them. Erik met her in the middle and scooped her up into a spin. “Erik! Oh, my darling, it’s so good to see you! Put me down, you silly boy! What will all these people think if I kick one of them in the knees because my son is spinning me around like this?” She laughed and leaned back as he dropped her back to her feet. “Look at you! So handsome, so tall, where’s my little baby?”

“You know I haven’t grown an inch since I was twenty-three,” he snorted.

“But you will always be my baby, won’t you,” she grinned, pinching his cheeks.

He slapped her away playfully. “Stop, you fool. Come and meet Charles.”

“Ah! Your sweetheart!” She turned to Charles, who was still hovering slightly behind Erik, and switched to English. “You must be the man who has captured my Erik’s heart,” she said, holding out her hand.

Charles gave his best dazzling, harmless-professor smile. He looked perfectly poised, but he’d pulled back just slightly from Erik’s mind, closing himself off and holding himself perfectly rigid. He took Mutti’s hand and to both their surprise, bent over it and kissed her knuckles like some kind of Regency lord. “Mrs Lehnsherr. It’s such a pleasure! And thank you so much for your son.” What the fuck did I just say thank you FOR YOUR SON like he’s a present she gave me what the fuck is wrong with me oh my God she’s going to hate me and we haven’t even got out of the airport and--

The panicked mental stream cut off. Charles straightened up and blinked rapidly. Erik’s jaw dropped, and he quickly snapped his mouth shut and tried desperately to bite his lips to keep the laughter at bay. Mutti looked uncertainly at Erik.

“Well,” said Erik. “You did raise me very well, Mutti.”

Charles’ shoulder slumped and he covered his face with his hands, his ears turning bright red. Erik covered his mouth and shook with giggles.

“Did I misunderstand?” Mutti asked, in German. “Did he say thank you… for you?”

Erik laughed and hugged Charles, kissing him on the head over and over. “Oh, Schatz, you are the best thing in my life.”

Mutti slapped him on the arm. “Well, don’t laugh at the poor boy! See how embarrassed he is! Don’t listen to him, Charles, dear.” She took Charles’ hands gently away from his face, and Erik moved back, still chuckling, to let her closer.

Charles looked utterly miserable, and now Erik had stopped teasing him, he could hear Charles’ mental whispering, almost panicking about how he’d ruined everything and now Edie was going to hate him and think he was an idiot and Erik was going to realise how true that was… Erik’s amusement disappeared and he immediately sent mental waves of apology towards him, trying to cover him in peace and safety.

“Do you know,” said Mutti, holding both Charles’ hands between her own. “When I met my Jakob’s mother, I made the mistake of discussing politics? I didn’t realise she was a staunch conservative, and my liberal views didn’t go down very well.” She dipped her head slightly to meet Charles’ gaze. “Now, you said thank you to me for Erik? Well, of course, he is his own person, and has made himself into the wonderful man you know today, but I am honoured that you give me any credit at all for it.”

Charles swallowed hard and smiled up at her. Erik felt a glow of pride in his mother’s kindness. He used his power to buzz both Charles’ watch and Mutti’s rings affectionately, and pulled them into a hug, one loved person in each arm. “Come on, let’s get you home,” he said. He took Mutti’s suitcase handle in one hand, and tucked Charles under the other arm, and walked them back to the car.

***

She loves you already

, he said into Charles’ mind as they sat in the living room that evening after dinner.

Charles looked up, his eyes wide with hope. How can you know? I don’t want to…

I don’t have to read her mind to know what she thinks of you, he said, smiling over at his mother, who was looking out at the New York skyline outside Erik’s apartment, her hand elegantly folded under her chin, her elbow resting on the sofa. She’s going to love you as much as I do.

He felt Charles’ heart softening at his words, the swell of joy rising up under those negative thoughts that Erik hated so much, the thoughts Charles had been fed throughout his life and that convinced him he was so much less than he truly was.

But now, Charles sent tendrils of thought through Erik’s mind, down his muscles, giving a little tug that showed as a twitch of Erik’s arm, a little pull for permission. Erik grinned. Go ahead, he said, and gave up the control of his limbs. Charles lifted Erik’s arm, making space to press close against his side, draping Erik’s arm around his shoulder before releasing him with a content little sigh.

Mutti cast a look at the two of them on the sofa, a fond smile curling at her lip. Erik smiled back, and pulled Charles closer, breathing a kiss into his hair.

And in his mind, behind a door labelled ‘Surprise, keep out!’, he thought of the ring he had pushed into the very back of his sock drawer. Thought of Mutti’s delighted exclamations when he’d shown her earlier.

“That’s wonderful, Erik!” She grinned the wide, toothy smile he’d inherited. “But why are you showing me?”

Erik looked at her seriously. “Charles doesn’t have a family,” he said. “Or not one worth mentioning. To ask him to marry me would be to ask you to accept another son, and I want to know if you would be willing to love him and support him the way you do me.”

Edie’s green eyes softened with sadness and she put her hand on his elbow. “Oh, Liebling. I’d be honoured. Any person who can command your love and trust like this must be someone truly special. I can’t wait to get to know him.” She stretched up and kissed him on the cheek, and he hugged her tight.

This coming month was going to be the perfect opportunity for Mutti to get to know Charles. Erik already know she was going to adore him. Edie Lehnsherr liked everyone, and everyone liked Charles Xavier. And then, he thought, closing the door to his secret gleefully, he was going to make sure Charles knew that Erik loved him, and his family, small as it was, was all for Charles as well.

#My writing #cherik #Enough #Charles Xavier #Erik Lehnsherr #Edie Lehnsherr #charles/erik #emotional hurt/comfort #fluff #meet the parents

[the-little-red-noodle]

9/24/18 1:45am

You are love. You are light. You are bringing me happpiness, even when you also bring me down.

I need to stop trying to fill every silence with spencer. I take his calmness and associate it with disinterest, which isnt how he feels. Judge what he actually says and his actions, not the vibe when he’s sleepy and content.. it’s becoming my detriment.

I really like this person and being around him makes me feel sexy and interesting and special.. so why am i looking for ways to ruin it? I ask him every 10 minutes if he’s okay.. and its always a positive answer, and confused why i keep asking. I just can’t let it be. I need verbalization of what you’re feeling.

I want to shower him in affection and to stop overlooking when he does we spent about 2 hours together today, he just came by to see me. We cuddled, we made out, we did whatever and then got back to cudfling and idk why i felt so fucking insecure and just wanted to hear him say he liked me.. i crave verbal affection from him because he aces the physical. He’s good at holding me and kissing me all over and smiling and being adorable. I feel good on a physical level, for the most part.

I’m just fucking insecure and it’s not his fault. He says the right things, i just kinda need to prod first. He mentioned how his friends want to meet me and think I’m great and love us together.. he says how lucky he is all the time. He says he likes me all the time. He says that I’m sexy and so cute and gorgeous and all the right things to say, so why am i fussing?

To be fair, when i get back into writing regularly like i have been, i overthink a lil extra than usual. Writing gets my mind flowing and ups my awareness of my feelings and reactions, and then i write through things to process and express those feelings, so everythings just heightened. And i know he’s on the other end of this probably not giving us this much thought, but who knows. He could be.

Goal for this week, is to be firm about things. I want to say “don’t text him as much” or “don’t start conversations” but also fuck that? I like him a lot and if i wanna talk to him, i should just do it. But do it knowing that he could take a long time to respond and that i shouldn’t let that fact crush me or make me feel guilty for trying to talk to him.

I love him. Oh no oh no i love him, god i want to say it so bad. It’s starting to be a thing i actively try to hold back. I want to say i love him.. shiit okayy

I was sort of planning on doing a romantic thing for the 30th, because that would be a month of officially dating. And i wanted to go home and get a bunch of electric candles and set them up around my room and have him come over and I’ve like got the whole set up, with the candles and like to go ramen or something and a john mulaney stand up queued up. And he’d come over and see it and be like aw cute, and we’d hang out for a while and talk and eat our ramen in my bed or on the floor and i would eventually pause the show to be like hey i wanted to talk to you.. and then id say hey I’ve been thinking, that this past month of dating you has been great, and i think you’re so great and attractive and sweet and cute and i ...

That’s as far as I got. I imagine myself saying that i want to be his girlfriend. Like i don’t want to date anyone else and i want you all to myself and i want you to know that i only want to be with you and will you be my boyfriend? And lets be exclusive? Or something?..

But i also don’t feel 100% about that commitment still. Maybe a week from today, i will be ready. And I’ll want that. But right now, that conversation sounds so romantic and beautiful and not something I’m ready for. I know he would say yes and be excited and that would make me happy, but I’m just not there yet.. so it’s more of a romantic premonition than a plan..

The other option, is to tell him that i love him. This one is scary for opposite reasons. I’m sure of it and I’m ready, but he might not be and he might not say it back and then i could have an Eli situation again where i say i love him and he doesn’t say it back and i cry about it and then it’s awkward and uncomfortable and sad for a bit. But this is something i want him to know.. so like.. help me, brain.

Both options are romantic and possibly very bad. I can’t handle the rejection and i also don’t feel ready to commit too much.. what if he’s never been in love? What if it scareshim thati tellhim i love him before we’re even boyfriend girlfriend?? He was in a year long relationship before this, where he lost his virginity and presumably told this person he loved them. Theres no way he dated someone for a yearand didn’t say i love you. So where does that leave me?

What if I’m rushig things? I mean we’ve been hooking up and talking for almost 3 months now.. dating for 1 month, i believe, math is weird. 4th of july to now?.. is that rushing things? Is it rushing based on what he says.

“I really like you, i’ve fallen for a girl from LA, i fell for you way too fast, i want you to be my girlfriend, i want to be more serious, i have serious feelings for you, god i like you so much”...

Maybe he will say it back.. this is really the one i want to say more.. because i feel it and I’m ready and i want it to be special like this and i have no idea if by the end of this week that i will want to get into a relationshipw with him. I sound like I’m stringing him along but I’m not i just really want to be sure. But my reservations don’t inhibit how i feel about him.

With how much time we’ve spent together.. him sleeping over, and my face in his shoulder and his hands on my legs and my hands on his chest and his arm around my neck and my heart in his hands..

I love him

I want to tell him that i love him. I want to go get these candles from home and buy him ramen and sit him down and tell him that i love him. I want to tell spencer that i love him.

I love him.

#samiswriting

[voidselfshipp]

Soup Shop Love

jerico x Yu//lei from little//door//gods cw:food ok to rb __________________________ After defeating the nian, and restoring peace to the world, yu lei didnt have much appart from the restaurant.

Both Guardian brothers didnt visit the human world much, but that day it was the exception. 

It was a quiet day in the soup shop, the brothers had visited Rain at her request,helping the human family to serve the food to the costumers. Yu lei wasnt paying much attention as the day was slow, then around midday, something changed.

His breath hitched as a young woman entered the shop, she sat quietly by the Window.

--c'mon yu lei!-- rain said handing him a pen and a notebook--go ask her her order!

The door god took nervous steps to the woman, she had short hair, down to her shoulders, she was dreamingly staring at the outside world, dreaming of adventures, he catched the beautiful and intricate dragon tattoo on her whole left arm.

She suddenly Turned around and yu lei froze.--u um-- he stuttered-- can I uh...ask your order?-- words didnt come smoothly as he envisoned, adding another layer to the shame he was feeling.

She told him her order and he wrote it down, hes about to leave, but her hand pressed against his bicep-- can I know your name? He turns around, hearing his brother Snicker behind him -- u uh, yu lei, whats your name?

He asked her for simple politeness, but also a hint of intrigue.

--im jerico, nice to meet you yu lei He nodds not knowing how to answer, so he walks back to rain and her mother, giving them jericos order.

Unbeknownst to yu lei, he was being drawn by jeri, the pencil danced smoothly against the yellowy paper, she sighed, although in her dreamworld, her fantasíes had acquired a New protagonist.

She found yu lei cute, yet she wasnt going to talk to him, after eating, she payed and left a tip.

The door god saw the woman leave with a heavy feeling on his chest.Since then, jerico became a regular costumer, in hopes of seeing yu lei again.Her hopes were shattered every single day.

Rain sent a letter to the brothers, specifically to yu lei, that called them so they could spend a day with them, and like that, make the two lovers meet again.

Jeri almost jumped out of her Seat when yu lei asked her for her order, with a shy smile on his face.Was it weird to tell someone you saw once that you missed them? It probably was, but that was what both felt.

She told him his order, and he left to give it to rain and her mom.

--come on bro! Just go ask her for a date! You can take her somewhere after we close!-- his brother,lu ten told him

--I, I dont know-- yu lei confessed-- would she say yes?

Rain huffed-- really?!, shes been asking for you the whole month! Just go!Both her brother and the girl pushed him to jeri.

--hey uh jer!--he said scratching the back of his neck-- I was wondering if you 'd like to go somewhere after we close the shop

--oh! Id love to!--jerico answered with a huge smile on her face

-- when do you guys close up?

-- well..we usually close up at nine!--rain jumped in-- but today is something special, so we close up at eight!She looks at him-- well then, ill see you in a few hours! She paid for her food, and with a polite goodbye she left.

Painfully slow for both yu lei and jerico it finally was eight pm.--jerico!-- yu lei said hugging the woman, who happily hugged back.

--There you are! So, where we going? He smiled-- just follow me They Walked down the silent and tranquil city, their hands slightly brushed against one another, they act as if they dont notice, but their fingers interlace togheter and walk down to a doc area, the River flew calmly, with a few flowers and leaves floating on it.

 They sat in moonlight,still holding hands, with no words spoken.

--y'know-- jeri said looking at yu lei-- I came every day to see you, when you werent around it felt...weird as if something was missing 

The guardian looked at her with a sad expression-- im sorry I wasnt there, see...im not from this world...

She nodded-- rain told me...youre a Guardian--she looked down,and sighed-- heh...I bet you drive all the female guardians crazy..I mean...youre so handsome 

Yu leis cheeks redden, and he chuckles-- just the ones I dont want--he lifts her face up by the chin, as her hands Cup his cheeks-- the only one that I want is you...She smiled leaning closer

-- the only Man I want is you...They close the gap, and kiss, her arms around his neck, and his around her waist.

Both part lips and press their foreheads togheter.

They stood in silence, taking the others presence as much as they could.

The date ended with a yawn from jer, so he took her home,and with heavy hearts and a kiss they said goodbye, not really knowing when theyd see eachother again.

The Next day, rain gave jeri a poster.

Not any poster in fact.

But yu leis.

 --like that he can visit you more often! Just hang it on your door!-- rain said before being scooped up in a hug.

--thank you--jericos voice broke-- thank you so much rain! That day, she left a generous tip.

Jer hung the poster on her appartments door, and went to sleep.Its late at night,unaware of yu leis presence, she slept calmly on her bed.

The guardian looked around her small room.Posters, pictures,art, all over the place.

A desk, just infront of a window, that had various things on it. What catched his attention, was a note, and besides it a beautiful drawing of himself.

He took the book,and read said note. "Yu lei "the note started" every day I walk by the shop, waiting to meet your eyes.

Every day I walk by to see you again, knowing that youre not in my world, but yours. I cling to the memories we have togheter...as few as they are. I hope one day you return to me, so I can hear your voice again. So I can be held in your embrace. You have a heart of gold, youre beautiful. Im so lucky, to have a Man like you. Guardian or not.I love you"

He smiles sighing softly, he leaves the book on the desk,closing it. 

Taking off his Guardian outfit, hes left in a white robe and pants, he lays besides her putting behind her ear a stray lock of that precious brown hair.

She moves around, and hugs him, he does the same, and resting his head ontop of hers he falls asleep too, for now, it was yu lei and jerico, and nothing else mattered

#cw food #tw food #a heart of gold #f/o fic

[whatshouldjustbeours]

Color me your color (Jane/Kurt)

A/N: Hi guys! Another idea that just begged to be written regarding that 2 year time jump. I hope you guys like it! For everyone who is reading my fics here, thank you so much! This fandom is amazing and it makes me very happy to contribute to it somehow. 

Special thanks to these girls for beta reading it: @206bonesaddicted​​ and @tigers-echo-wild . Your suggestions and corrections are everything! It makes my life so much easier having you two covering my back.

Title from “Call Me” by Blondie (thank you, Olia!)

FF.net link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12717783/1/

Slightly M.

Color me your color

It was the day after stopping Sandstorm and they were lying on the couch.

 Kurt had his back against it and Jane was in front of him, her whole body pressed against his. Their legs were tangled and his arms around her, his hands resting on her stomach.

 They were watching a movie, or trying to, since Kurt was more interested in pressing kisses on her cheek which made Jane giggle and not pay any attention to the tv.

 “I thought you wanted to watch this movie?” - She teased, snuggling more into him.

 “I did but you are so much better than any movie.” - He said seductively, one of his hands traveling down and then beneath her shirt.

He started to lazily touch her bare skin, his hands slowly going up to her torso. She fell silent, her eyes closed and her breath quickened at the feel of his warm hand on her. They were together for less than a day and she was already addicted to his touch.

 He was almost reaching her breast when her phone rang, startling them and breaking the moment.

 Kurt loosened his arms a bit so she could lean forward and reach the offending noise on the coffee table. It could be Hirst wanting to talk to her about something related to her new ID documents and that was the only reason he stopped what he was previously doing.

 He felt Jane tense as she looked at the caller ID and he was about to ask her if she thought it might be Roman when her voice and the person she greeted on the phone cut him off.

 “Hi, Oliver.”

 For the first time, Kurt wondered what happened between the two of them. He was one hundred percent sure it was over or Jane would never have kissed him in that holding cell days ago, let alone declare herself to him. She wasn’t that type of person.

 He was pleasantly surprised when instead of getting out of his arms to have more privacy, she decided to resume their previous position. He pulled her to him a little tighter than before, resting his head behind hers so he wouldn’t hear Oliver’s side of the conversation.

 “I’m fine. We are all fine.”

 Kurt’s mind went back to the day she timidly admitted she was going out on a hot date. He remembered smiling at her while his heart had clenched at the idea of her with another man. It took everything in him to turn his back and walk away from her. All he wanted to do in that moment was crush her to him and never let her go. He didn’t have the right back then but he sure as hell did now.

 And he’d be damned if he’d ever let her go.

 He opened a smile as his lips pressed a kiss to her nape and she shivered, her free hand smacking his arm that was around her waist. Her reaction only encouraged him to distract her further.

 “I’m not at the office right now. We got days off.” - She felt Kurt’s hand going under her shirt - his intended target very clear - and she closed her eyes, trying desperately to focus on what Oliver was saying. - “I’m not at my house either.”

She bit back a moan as his hand covered her breast.

 “I’m sorry, Oliver, but I can’t.” - She nearly lost it when she felt Kurt’s mouth suck at the pulse point in her neck while rolling her nipple between his fingers at the same time. - “We can’t… I can’t…” - God, she was not trained to withstand this kind of torture. His tongue was drawing patterns in her skin and his other hand was so very slowly entering her panty, almost touching her where she needed him the most. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t think and she really needed to end this phone call. - “I’m with someone else.”

 Kurt’s finger teased her between her legs and he couldn’t help the grunt that escaped him at how ready she was for him. Her lips were pressed together as she desperately tried to not make a sound.

 “Thank you. I hope you are too. Goodbye, Oliver.”

 Jane threw the phone on the floor and was about to tell Kurt he would pay for this later when his finger penetrated her. A moan came out instead and she was glad she could finally make the sound without worrying about people other than Kurt hearing it.

 “Yes, you are.” - He whispered in her ear, pumping her deliciously slow. His other hand was still working her breasts.  

 “Wha-What?”

 “You are with someone else. With me.”

 She only nodded, unable to form any coherent sentence. He added another finger and soon she was pushed over the edge, his name a cry in her lips. How could she had spent so long without this? Without him?

He waited as she came back down and when her breathing started to stabilize, he turned her around to face him. His hand cupped her jaw, his thumb softly caressing her cheek and when she opened her eyes, he smiled at her.

 “Hi.” - He murmured, leaning down to give her a quick kiss. - “You okay there?”

 “I’m perfect.” - She captured his mouth again, devouring it without a care in the world. His hands found her waist, lifting her until she was on top of him. She let out a moan at how hard he was, making him moan in return as she wiggled her hips against him.

 “Jane.” - She thought the way he said her name before they were intimate would always be her favorite sound until she heard him saying it in that husky, sexy, low voice of his.

 She pushed his underwear out of the way, then her own and without warning or delay, she sank into him, taking him all in.

 “God, Jane!”

 She grinned slyly, her hands on his chest as she started to move up and down. She tried to keep a slow rhythm but their need for one another built fast and soon they were crying each other’s name out as their orgasms overtook them.

 She slumped against his chest, her breathing faltering. They stayed in silence for minutes, just enjoying each other, until Kurt’s stomach rumbled loudly and they both laughed.

 “Come on.” - He gently pushed her off him, got up from the couch and also helped her on her feet. - “I’ll make us lunch.”

Their conversation during lunch was filled with light, fun topics. They planned their night activities, which involved going out for their first official date. They talked about their friends and laughed at their hasty departure the day before all over again, Jane almost chocking on her water as their faces and terrible excuses came to mind. So, they made a deal to throw another party for their friends someday soon. But all the while, Kurt kept himself from discussing what he wanted to know the most: her unexpected phone call and its caller.

 It wasn’t until they were in the balcony enjoying the view, Jane in front of him, his arms on both sides of her, when he couldn’t contain himself any longer.

 “So you and Oliver…” - He trailed off and waited as Jane turned around.

 “He dumped me.” - She said simply, shrugging her shoulders. There wasn’t a trace of sadness or regret in her face.

 “He is an idiot.”

 Jane laughed, shaking her head.

 “Are you sure you are letting him go? He’s more successful and well-adjusted than I’ll ever be.” - He teased, knowing her answer. He didn’t doubt for a second he and Jane belonged together. Oliver and his perfect life and his perfect face could be damned.

 “I don’t care about how successful he is. And if I wanted a well-adjusted life, I wouldn’t have chosen to stay here. With you.” - Her eyes were playfully glistening but her face was dead serious. She meant every single word.

 He nodded and as he gazed down at the woman in his arms, he felt lucky for the thousandth time. If she had decided to leave, he had no idea what he would have done with his life.

 She noted his suddenly serious expression and she used her hands to frame his face, bringing his attention back to her.

 “I love you, Kurt Weller.” - She hesitated, not sure if it was too soon to say what she wanted to. Looking into his eyes, she saw everything she felt reflecting back at her, encouraging her to open up to him. - “More than anything.” - Or anyone.

 He opened his mouth but not a sound came out. He instantly remembered another conversation in what seemed to be another lifetime. How much had changed ever since. How much had they overcome to be where they were right now. He had no idea how she could forgive him but he wouldn’t waste this chance.

 “I love you, Jane Doe.” - He pressed his forehead against hers. - “More than anything.”

#blindspot #jeller #blindspot fanfic #jane doe #kurt weller

[fence-sitter]

1. What have you eaten today? I had a piece of toast with vegemite and a piece with ginger marmalade, i had some lamington, i had a sao cracker with vegemite and cheese, i stuffed a perfetta roll in my mouth as i left the house, i had a yogo and some green tea and this afternoon i had some fig yoghurt and ginger and apple iced tea. Very random i know.  2. Who was your last kiss with? Was it pleasant? what passes as a kiss 3. What color shoes did you last wear? black leather 4. Who has made you laugh the hardest in the last week? maybe Wendy 5. What is your favorite scent? freshly peeled mandarins or bush fires or that coastal smell you get driving through beach suburbs 6. What is your favorite season? Why? maybe late autumn and early spring because its cold but not too cold 7. Can you do a handstand or cartwheel? i can do both 8. What color are your nails? a very chipped yellow 9. If you had to get a tattoo on your face to save your life, what would it be? the words “Have a nice day” 10. What is something you find romantic? when someone kisses your hand 11. Are you happy? happy enough 12. Is there anything in particular making you happy or sad? anime, Wendy and uni have been making me happy, i think thinking about my school  friends is the only thing that really makes me sad... or anime. 13. Dogs or Cats? ahhhhh both but i really want a black cat called liquor 15. Which do you prefer:a museum, a night club, the forest or a library? the forest 15. What is your style? explosive in a controlled way, its crazy but it has some order to it.  16. If you could be doing anything you like right now, what would it be? swimming in the ocean 17. Are you in a relationship or single? single pringle 18. What makes you attracted to the person you like right now? he a sad bitch (yurio) 19. If you could replace your partner/best friend with a celebrity of your choice, would you? Who with? i don’t know who i’d replace them with but i just want Jake Gyllenhaal hes such a man child 20. Are you holding on to something you need to let go of? If so then what? nothing 21. How did you celebrate last Halloween? i spent it with Gibby and Taylah and we watched The Brothers Grimm and ate spring rolls and vege chips 22. Have you recently made any big decisions?  um UNI  23. Were you ever in a school play? yes and it was hella !  24. What movie would you use to describe your life? Amelie 25. Is there something you have dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? Well i have always dreamed of moving to melbourne for a little while and well i haven’t because im a poor bean at 18 26. Complete this sentence, “I wish I had someone with whom I could share…” my artistic desires with. 27. What are two things that irritate you about the same sex? cause so much damn drama, complicate everything 28. What are two things that irritate you about the opposite sex? stubborn, i can’t think of another i honestly think boys are super chill and cool 29. What is the best thing that has happened to you this week? i made a pouf 30. What is something that makes you sad when you think about it? bad people 31. How long was your longest relationship? i suppose like a year 32. Have you ever been in love? a 13 year old version of love 33. Are you currently in love? no 34. Why did your last relationship end? the same way it started, it didn’t (i know it doesn’t make sense) 35. What jewelry are you wearing right now, and where did you get it? i’m wearing earings from nundah lifeline with bears holding umbrellas. 36. When was the last time you cried and why? um when i had a realisation that i’m not exciting enough to make or keep friends by comparing myself to someone who can easily because they’re so charismatic but then realising that we are completely different and i can make friend in different ways. 37. Name someone pretty. My friend Tabetha 38. What did you receive last Valentines Day? hmm lets see, some sunlight some day time i got a good sleep maybe some lunch thats about it  39. Do you get jealous easily? not really 40. Have you ever been cheated on? no thank god 41. Do you trust your partner/best friend? i trust Taylah but shes not my partner or my best friend  42. Ever had detention? yeah for not wearing shoes THE FUCK 43. Would you rather live in the countryside or the city? countryside but if living in the city means im closer to the beach 44. What do people call you? my name 45. What was the last book you read? On The Road 46. How big of a nerd/dork are you? minor  47. What kind of music do you listen to? ALL except for that screamo and country music stuff that 48. How tall are you? 172cm 49. Do you like kids? yeee 50. Favorite fruits? rockmelon, mango, banana, strawberries, peaches. 51. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? jeans 52. What’s your earliest memory? idk maybe the garden down along the side of my old house at ascot  53. Ever had a poem or song written about you or to you? no but ive writen a poem for someone else 54. Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? behind but both is nice 55. Do you have a collection of anything? stamps, birthday and christmas cards 56. Do you save money or spend it? i like the feeling of saving money but i also like spending it on small puchases like op shops, spending large amounts is scary but i do it if i know i really want it 57. What would your dream house be like? um a little wooden cottage style shack thing at the beach 58. What top 5 things make you the angriest? when people swear unnecessarily, when people make jokes about disabled people, disabilities etc., ibis, when people complain about their first world problems, other angry people.  59. What top 5 things always brings a smile to your face? when people say good morning or smile at you when your walking down the street, dogs, cats, when people comment on what you’re wearing, boys being sentimental 60. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? do firefighters deal with that stuff?? cause i’d call them. 61. 72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid? ok i wouldn’t tell everyone right away i know im the kind of person who doesn’t like burdening people with my problems, i would perhaps book a holiday i’ve always wanted to go on and yes i would be afraid 62. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart. i think of it literally when Mr Boddice stuck a probe through the chambers of a pigs heart 63. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? Canada 64. Do you like the beach? YES 65. Ever sleep on the couch or a bed with someone special? well yeah ive slept on a couch with Kanya and Taylah many times, i’ve slept with James and i’ve slept with Gibby and i’ve slept with Rosie not that thats anything special cause she rolls all over me. 66. Do you have a middle name? If so what is it! ALICE 67. Do you talk to yourself? all the time 68. Describe your hair. a mop 69. What is the meaning of life. passion 70. What is your ideal partner like? easy going, beachy, spunk, is a bit of a quirk like me i.e. doesn’t think my anime obsession is weird or my crazy eyeshadow and doesn’t judge me  71. Do you want to get married? yea that’d be cool 72. Do you want to have kids? yea that’d be cool 73. Like or dislike your family? i like them 74. Are you Chunky or Slim? slim  75. Would you consider yourself smart? smart enough to get around 76. What would you change about your life? nothing 77. Religious or Not? nah 78. You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with? Nikita 79. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?nah 80. Does anyone regularly (other than family) tell you they love you? Gibby aw 81. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? i kinda want to see Jam man again and idk maybe he’d play Halo on our new xbox 82. So, the last person you kissed just happens to arrive at your door at 3AM; do you let them in? who the fuck are you 83. Do you like when people play with your hair? yES 84. Do you like bubble baths? bubble baths are life 85. Have you ever been pulled over by a cop? no 86. Have you ever danced in the rain? yes 87. Do you trust anyone with your life? Taylah 88. What was your first thought when you woke up this morning? do my siblings ever stop arguing 89. If money wasn’t an issue, what top 10 places would you travel to? (You get to stay at each place for a week) Canada, Melbourne, Tasmania, Colorado, Switzerland, Italy, Japan, Nepal, Vietnam, Turkey 90. How was your day today? it was really good i got up and read my book and spontaneously went to nundah and got soome good op shop buys 91. Play an instrument? i can play trumpet 92. Describe the what you think of the ocean. it wants you to be afraid, it can sooth you or it can devour you but you learn to be friends with it  93. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? i believe in aliens and i suppose i believe in spirits  94. Honestly, are things how you wanted them to be? honestly, its how i always expected things to be, i think i wanted more adventures and friends 95. Do you have a mean bitchy scary side? no 96. When are you vulnerable? when my social battery is dead 97. How much free time do you have? a lot 98. Do you like to go hiking? yes yes very much 99. Odd or Even Numbers? even 100. Would you ever go sky diving, bungee jumping , cliff diving, wing suit gliding, parasailing, snorkeling, or other extreme activities? id go hot air ballooning and snorkeling and i’d love to go in one of those shark cages

#gibby please do this one

[alrangerz]

Does this work? (Sorry about the format)

“Amélie, are you sure you can scale this building without being caught? There are over 48 cameras…I just don’t know how I feel about this.” I say, grazing my thumb over my lips as, I often do when I’m thinking.

“Oui, oui, yes. Can we just skip to the post-planning sex, please? You know I don’t like being made to wait.” Amélie frowns slightly as she grabs my hand to pull me closer.

“Darlin’, you know we don’t celebrate until after we’re sure that our plan is guaranteed to be a success.” I say, shaking my head at Amélie.

“Yeah right. When has a plan ever gone wrong for us.” Amélie argues, trying to pull me close again.

“That’s the kind of thinking that causes shit to go wrong. Let’s just go over it one more time so we are sure we get it right.” I say, wrapping my arms around her neck.

“Je veux juste être baisée putain,” Amélie sighs in frustration.

“Now darlin, you know I’m a sucker for french and I get the gist of what you just said, but I don’t think I like your tone.” I say, slowly dragging my hands up her thighs.

“‘Make me pay for it then, my love.” Amélie says, laying back on the table, pushing our planning and sketches to the side.

“Oh I plan on it.” I whisper, crawling on top of Amélie and kissing a trail up her stomach.

“Hey Boss! Ya have a visitor. I don’t think it can wait.” One of my shitty goons shouts, knocking on my door, totally ruining the fucking mood. 

“It. Can. Wait,” I growl against Amélie’s neck.

Amélie digs her nails into the back of my neck and I have to hold back a moan. She knows how much I love how rough she gets when she’s turned on.

“Gee Boss, man I dunno. This chick looks like your clone or something. But like younger I guess? This is really trippy for me. Am I tripping right now?” Idiot goon replies and I sigh because I really fucking thought he could take a fucking hint..

“You have a girl looking for you? A clone? Should I be jealous?’ Amélie jokingly pushes my face back with a raised brow.

“She said she’s lifelong friends with B.O.B and wants to talk, but maybe it can wait til later.” Idiot goon says and God, what does it take to be able to get some action around here?

I roll my eyes and grumpily rub my temple. A younger clone of me who is a lifelong friend of B.O.B? What the everloving fuck? I guess we stole a bad shipment of drugs, because that is the craziest shit I’ve ever heard one of my crew say. B.O.B doesn’t even have any friends other than the Deadlock Gang.

The only other people he’s ever really known are -

My neck starts  burning with a prickly sensation and I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut.

Holy Shit.

No way… This can’t be true. She can’t be here, surely? Didn’t she live all the way in the north east? Possibly even Europe?

“Very well. Give me a minute.” I reply.

“She’ll be with ya in just a minute.” Idiot goon says to our guest and I hear a sassy “Yeah, so I heard” in reply.

“Mon Chéri are you okay? You look so pale, what’s wrong?” Amélie asks, stroking both of my cheeks at the same time.

“It looks like a mistake of the past has caught up with me. I’ll explain to you later tonight? Okay?” I say as I straighten up my hair and my clothes.

“Oui, of course.” Amélie says and I can see that she’s still studying my face.

I take a deep breath as I reach forward to open the door. For some reason I feel incredibly nervous, which is not like me at all. Holding the door open for Amélie, I let her walk out first and she gasps in shock as she takes a look at our special guest.

“Quoi?” I hear Amélie whisper and she looks back at me, understandably confused but I just can’t make eye contact with her. I’m feeling embarrassed and guilty which again isn’t like me at all.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I raise a hand bye to Amélie and she gives me a sad sort of smile and I feel even worse than I did in the first place.

“Hey kid. How did you get here?” I ask. Might as well just get it all over and done with.

“I took the midnight train going anywhere and just ended up here.” This kid says sarcastically and I have to hold back a laugh.

“I guess you want to know everything right? Why I did it, if I regret it, if it was hard to do, et cetera et cetera?” I ask her, looking at her for the first time and holy shit, she really does look like my twin. She has his eyes though. And his color too. She’s definitely a looker.

“You hit the jackpot, Sherlock.” Mini me says and I’ve had about enough of her sass.

“Listen here kid, if you knew who I was, you wouldn’t be talking like that. I’d watch it if I were you.” I warn her and fuck I need a drink.

“I have a name. It’s Delilah. And I know exactly who you are - you’re the leader of a shitty gang with nothing better to do, right?” Delilah says and I must admit, I do admire the balls this kid has.

“Now look,” I say, holding back a smile, “You’re not wrong. But if you weren’t you, I’d have killed you for that talk.”

“Then why don’t you?” Delilah asks.

“Because I at least owe you an explanation, first.” I sigh. “Come on kid, let’s head to the bar.”

“But I’m 17… they won’t let me in.” Delilah says, still following me regardless.

“Shit kid, they will if you’re with me. Don’t worry about it.” 

BREAK

The door jingles as we walk into the somewhat busy bar and I can see feel the stare of multiple looks towards us.

“Leave.” I say and chairs scramble as they take the hint.

Luckily B.O.B is our bartender and he starts happily clapping his hands when he sees Delilah. She runs up to hug him and he spins her around in a circle, just like he did with me when I was young.

“You want a drink, kid?” I ask.

“Can I get a shot of Jack?” Delilah asks. I’m pretty sure she’s testing to see if I’ll stop her from drinking alcohol but honestly I really don’t care. B.O.B looks for my reaction so I just I shrug my shoulders.

“Sure,” I say, not letting her know it’s my favorite drink.

We both take a shot and I’m actually surprised at how well she takes it. The burning sensation is a welcoming feeling and I wave at B.O.B for another.

“We are going to be here a while so let’s get B.O.B to cook you something up. Does a burger sound good to you?” I ask Delilah and she nods her head happily. 

“A burger sounds great to me.” Delilah says. “B.O.B’s a great cook. My parents loved when he came to visit.”

Taking the second shot, I rub my temple, confused on where to start. Like surely this kid hates me. Surely she wants nothing to do with me. So why is she here? Why am I so uncomfortable with all of this?

“Look kid. I understand you want to know everything, I do. But how did you get here? How did you find me? How did you even know I was your… you know ” I ask, because honestly how does a 17 year old kid get through all my security and half a fucking desert too.

“I was hoping you would ask that.” Delilah says, clapping her hands together.

“So basically I’ve always wondered who my ‘birth giver’ was. None of my friends in school knew I was adopted and there was this one time when we were all in the cafeteria at lunch. There was a breaking news story on all of the TVs about the most successful heist in history and people were shocked because the leader of the gang who pulled it off was a woman. Not just anyone, but a ‘beautiful’ woman who had the face of an angel but the heart of a devil.” Delilah says.

“Sounds familiar. Carry on.” I smirk.

“So my friends and I start to pay attention, cause we are like ‘wow, who is this chick, she sounds badass’, right? And then next thing I know, they show your wanted posted and my insides froze and I’m like ‘holy shit, that lady looks a lot like me’ and I think I’m crazy, but my friend Casey is like ‘Oh my god Delilah, is that like your evil aunt or something? Were you adopted?’ And we all laughed but inside I was freaking the fuck out.” Delilah continues.

“Understandable.” I agree.

“I go home and my parents are acting kind of odd, but everyone has their bad days right? I try to forget about it, but then I remember them telling me when I was younger that my birth giver had a troubled life and that they didn’t want to bring an innocent life into that.” Delilah says, looking at me questioningly.

“That’s kind of true I guess.” I say with a shrug.

“Right! So I forget about it for a while, I start to move on and then we get a surprise visit from B.O.B.” Delilah says smiling at B.O.B, who gives her a happy ‘that’s me!’ wave.

“I was so happy to see him again. I’ve loved him since I was a kid. This time I noticed he had a symbol on his body that I recognized… and I couldn’t work out where. But then I realized it was the symbol from that gang that that me lookalike was in. A crazy coincidence right?” Delilah asks.

“Ain’t it just?” I reply.

“I’m not proud of this next part, but here goes. I ask B.O.B if he would be okay with me looking into his gear so I could see how he works, because I’m super interested in engineering. He was more than happy to take part. But what I really wanted to do was scan through his memories and see if I could catch a glimpse of you. It worked. I was able to search through a folder with my name on it, I clicked on the very first file and I saw you, shortly after you had given birth to me. You said ‘it’s okay B.O.B, don’t cry, I’ll let you stay in contact with her if you really want’’ and cause it was from B.O.B’s point of view, he looked down and I saw he was cradling me as a newborn.” Delilah smiles sadly. “I’m sorry for hacking and violating you, B.O.B.”

B.O.B tilts his head to the side, studying Delilah’s face and then shrugs. He’s loved that kid since the day she was born, I doubt she could do anything to upset him. Hell, if he’s put up with half the shit that I’ve put him through, then I’m sure he’s very happy with her indeed.

“Damn kid, that’s kind of wild. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Honestly I was hoping that you never would. I didn’t want to be another disappointment to someone.” I tell her honestly.

“Disappointment? This is the most badass thing to ever happen in my life. It’s awesome!” Delilah laughs.

“Delilah. You seem like a smart kid. I hope you realize this isn’t going to be a super happy ending where I cry and tell you I’ve loved you all along. Cause the harsh truth is I’ve never really loved anyone. I don’t know how to.” I admit.

Even with Amélie, I don’t ever really tell her I love her. It’s just not me.

I expect to see a frown or maybe even a look of anger or betrayal on Delilah’s face but I’m a little shocked when I see a small smile.

“I’ve known that for a long time. The fact that I never had any letters or contact from you kind of made that clear. I just want to know my backstory. Like, if you never loved me, why didn’t you just get rid of me?” Delilah asks, twiddling her thumbs.

“I hardly even know that myself, kid.” I sigh.

And it’s true.

Getting knocked up and going through with the pregnancy was the most ‘unlike-me’ thing I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve spent half of my life trying to forget it.

“I guess it’s because I wanted to see how my life could have been if I was actually loved as a kid. By people who actually wanted a family, people who were actually there for you.” I admit. “It’s all kind of selfish really. I didn’t even stick around to see if you were happy in the end. You are, right?”

“As happy as someone who was adopted could be, I guess! My parents really do love me. I couldn’t ask for anyone better. They totally supported me coming here. I didn’t tell them how dangerous it was of course but they were actually happy for me.” Delilah says.

“That’s good to hear I guess.” I say. “So, what next? I’ll be as honest as I can.”

I’m pretty sure I know what she’s going to say. It’s still a sore subject for me but I don’t really care anymore.

“Who was my dad? What was he like? If he’s who I think he is, why isn’t he around anymore?” Delilah asks, confirming my suspicions were correct.

“Gee, kid. Might as well get the nail out of the coffin.” I groan. “Jesse McCree… god that man really knew how to get under my skin. He betrayed us all in the end, so naturally he’s on my kill list.” I say and Delilah laughs, thinking I’m joking. 

“We met when we were both teenagers. We had a love hate type of relationship. He was the first human to ever show me genuine affection that wasn’t based on fear. We were invincible. A stunt had never gone wrong for us. We were sought after by everyone - enemies, the law force, criminals who wanted us to join them, the lot. Our egos had never been bigger.” I say.

“Sounds fun.” Delilah comments and I nod my head.

“It was. We did so many wild things. I miss the impulsiveness of it all, really. Eventually I found out I was knocked up. Deep down I knew Jesse would have been happy, but that just wasn’t our life. I left the gang for a year, telling them I was travelling with B.O.B to get him an upgrade that would make him invincible. They believed me and I was so relieved.” I admit.

“I traveled to the east coast, as far away from our base as I could go. I think I ended up in New York. I had been looking around online for families looking for kids. Some I was skeptical about, but then I saw a posting by your parents. A teacher and a dentist who couldn’t conceive naturally. They had mentioned that they would give all of their savings to whoever would give them a child. Eventually I met them and I actually really liked them, which said a lot considering how much I hate people in general. They gave me my space, let me stay with them for a while and even offered me to stay after the kid was born. I left as soon as I could though.”

B.O.B walks over with our lunch and gives Delilah a milkshake to go with it. He brings me a jack and coke and I nod my head as a thanks.

“Thanks, B.O.B, you’re the best.” Delilah says, happily tucking into her food.

“All the way up until I gave birth, I wondered if I’d change the way I felt about the baby growing inside me. Like I said, I had never grown up with affection, praise or even the slightest bit of human attention. My parents were never home and B.O.B is the closest thing to a parent I ever had. Don’t get me wrong. When you were born, I was happy you were healthy, but honestly I just wanted to get you to your family and leave. I was never meant to be a mother. It’s nothing I’ve ever dreamed or thought about. Even now and I’m almost 40. So I’m sorry about that, I guess.” I admit avoiding eye contact with Delilah again.

Delilah has a mouth full of food, so I take advantage of her silence by continuing on with my story.

“Back to your dad - McCree. Honestly he wasn’t a bad guy. Don’t get me wrong, he betrayed us and he’s going to pay hell for that. But Jesse McCree was a better person than I ever will be. And it fucking kills me to say that.” I say, hating myself for even mentioning it.

“Does he know about me?” Delilah asks.

“Yes. He always had his suspicions and could tell something happened during that year I was away. He found out during a fight. I couldn’t take the guilt of keeping it quiet anymore. He cried when he found out and he was pissed off he didn’t get a say, but he knew it wouldn’t change anything. He knew we weren’t supposed to be together, never mind be parents. He wanted to meet you and I forbid him until you, if ever, made an attempt to contact us. I didn’t even know if you were still in New York or not, because I told your parents to use those savings to move out of the country. I knew my past could come back to haunt me and I didn’t want an innocent kid to get hurt because of me. Whether they moved or not, I don’t know.” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

“They did. We lived in England for 3 years but then moved back to New York before I started school. They loved the city too much.” Delilah explains.

“It’s better if no one ever knows about you. You’d be targeted and they’d go for your parents too. Does anyone else know about us?” I ask.

“Other than my parents? No. But I’m pretty sure your gang knows too. That guy earlier seems to have worked it out.” Delilah says.

“I’m just going to tell him he had a bad trip. And to never talk about this again. He might be dumb but he’s not dumb enough to blab about my personal life. None of my gang are.” I say.

“Wow, you’re such a good role model.” Delilah smirks sarcastically and I’m reminded of myself as a rude teenager.

“Well you definitely got my sass, kid. God your sperm donor would kill to see that.” I say, downing my final shot of the night.

“Gross. Don’t say it like that.” Delilah says.

“Well it’s true. That’s all he is to me. And even that is saying too much. When you’re older you’ll learn that men are more trouble than they are worth.” I warn Delilah.

“Thanks for the heads up. Luckily all I’m focusing on right now, apart from finding out about you, is school work right now. I have chance of getting accepted into Harvard and I want to take that chance.” Delilah says, stretching and cracking her fingers.

“Shit, Harvard, really? God my parents would have loved you.” I say, slightly impressed with how bright Delilah is.

“Yeah. Do you think if I tell them my birth giver is the most wanted female in the continent, they’ll give me a scholarship out of fear?” Delilah jokes and laughter escapes my lips, making me spill my beer.

“Shit kid, that could work. It would be the least I could do for ya.” I say, smiling and shaking my head.

“Nah, I’m totally kidding. I don’t want people to know about us anyway. I don’t want anything to happen to my parents.” Delilah says and I feel slightly bad about scaring her, but it’s better for her to know the truth.

“Good choice kid, good choice.” I sigh. “Look hun, it’s too dangerous for you to stay here long, but you can stay the night if you want. Have you ever shot a gun before?”

“A gun? Hell no.” Delilah says, looking confused.

“Yeah, a gun. Tell you what. How about this… you stay here for a night, tomorrow I teach ya how to shoot and then B.O.B will take you home after we are done.” I say.

“That actually sounds perfect.” Delilah smiles.

“And uh… look kid. If you wanna stay in contact and you want to meet your sperm donor, it’s best if all of our contact is done through B.O.B. We are less likely to be tracked that way.” I say.

“That would really mean a lot. Thank you.” Delilah says happily.

BREAK

It’s 15 minutes past midnight by the time I make it to my room. Man, my head fucking aches. What a day. I’m about to take off my clothes for the night when I hear a familiar tap on my window.

“Hey.” I smile sadly as I pull the window open for Amélie. “You could have come through the front door.”

“I didn’t want to make things weird for your daughter.” Amélie says.

“How did you know?” I ask.

“Because, mon Chérie, I am not an idiot and she is beautiful just like you.” Amélie says, straddling me as she pushes me into the bed.

“You don’t have to tell me everything now. Is she staying? Is she okay?” Amélie asks and I’m just so glad she’s not mad at me for never telling her about this.

“Thank you for not hating me for keeping this quiet. Honestly I  never thought I’d actually meet her and I was okay with that. But meeting her has been… surreal. I don’t like kids and never have. But she’s a teenager and so mature. I can’t explain it. I see so much of me in her. She’s becoming everything I dreamed of being as a kid.” I admit. “She’s staying for a little tomorrow. I’m gonna teach her how to shoot and then she’s leaving. B.O.B is going to go with her.”

“Whats her name?” Amélie asks, stroking my lip with her thumb.

“Delilah. I didn’t name her though. This is the first time I’ve seen her since the day she was born.” I say, pulling Amelie’s hand away to trail kisses up her arm.

“Pretty name for a pretty girl. Are you going to miss her?” Amélie asks, eyebrow raised as she studies my face.

“Honestly? I don’t think so. If anything it makes me hate my parents even more for never allowing me to experience love as a kid. It makes me mad that I never got to love or care for her. But she does have a family who loves her plenty so that makes me feel better. And I doubt I would have ever met you if my family actually cared, so I guess all that neglect was worthwhile.” I say, laying back on the bed, pulling Amélie with me.

“I’m glad you’re dealing with it all so well. I was worried earlier.” Amélie said, taking off my tie and unbuttoning my shirt.

“Now worrying about me is something you never need to do, darlin’. I can take care of myself, believe it or not.” I tease.

“I know, I know. It’s just that I had never seen you look scared or worried before. It didn’t feel right.” Amélie says.

“I wasn’t scared. I was nervous.” I say, avoiding eye contact again.

“Same thing.” Amélie says, pulling my face to meet hers, leaving small kisses along my jawline.

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes. “What do you say we start where we got up to earlier? We just have to be quiet tonight.”

“I like that idea very much.”

[the-little-red-noodle]

7/3/19 11:39pm the aftermath

Spencer and i broke up today.

I am so exhausted. My eyes hurt from crying. My chest hurts from breathing and thinking and seeing him. I feel hollow but also so fucking heavy i can’t move. I feel hurt, i feel frustrated, i feel confused and i feel so fucking angry that this is happening one of the weekends i was looking forward to the most this summer. I am really really frustrated and really sad.

I had been in costa rica for like 10 days. I was so excited to see him. I just landed at the airportand he texted that he was on his way to my house and i was excited that i would have most of the day and the night to be with him. I would get to talk about the trip and be excited and kiss him and talk about the larp.

Fuck i just wish he could express anything ever. Fuck.

Where was i? I got home, i was trying on larp stuff and being excited and he got there and he seemed normal and we went to my room and i changed back into normal clothes and he sat on the other end of my bed and i was motioning for him to sit with me and he moved to still sit across from me and i was like what’s up?

And he just sat there holding my hands and stuttering and trying to speak and stopping and then i said,

Are you trying to break up with me?

And he said yes, I’m sorry. And i just felt like confused and like aw he’s having trouble speaking but also what are you doing?

And then i was like why? Why are you doing this right now, we have such a fun weekend planned and we have a party tomorrow and a larp and all this to celebrate together, why are you doing this now? You couldn’t have waited until after our fun weekend, until after my fun weekend? Until after i could do the stuff i had been so excited about and planning and planning with you? You couldn’t have waited??

Theres never a good time..

There fuckin is, it’s called ANY of the times i brought it up to you that thigs weren’t working. ANY of the times i said we weren’t communication well. ANY of the times i said i wasn’t happy or that we’re so different or that we just love differently. THATS when you mention the fact that you feel that way too. You fucking. Tell. Me. You fucking say hey I’ve been feeling that way too, we are super different, our communication doesn’t work well together, idk if I’ve been super happy. You fucking say something then. You don’t calm me down over and over saying that we’ll work it out we’ll work it out and then drop this on me literally an hour after i get home from a trip and before this really fun weekend that i would have liked to enjoy. I really was looking forward to this stuff and now you fucking ruined it. I’m not the kind of person who deals with shit by going out partying and pretending everything is fine. I fucking know it’s not fine and i see peoples faces looking at me with the “how ya doin?” face and the pity and the “oh wheres spencer?”

Dude, fuck you.

It’s not like i didn’t also think the relationship wasn’t working. I went back and forth so many times on whether or not to end it or stick it out, but i wouldn’t have fucking dropped it on you right before you had a bunch of important shit to do

Fuck you

Of course i knew it wasn’t working, we been knew. It hasn’t been working since the start frankly, we don’t communicate cohesively. I actually have emotions? And talk about them? And want to hear how you feel about stuff? What a fucking concept???

Fuckkkk youuu

I actually cared enough to go out of my way all the damn time to do what you needed, and show you how i felt, and love you the way you receive it best. Where was my gesture? Where was forthought into doing something for me? Where were any words that actually came from your heart and not phrases that i said were special to me?

Dude, fuck you man.

I’m angry. I’m really really frustrated because we talked so many times about when i was having doubts and when i was feeling like we needed help and we needed to fix shit and where i asked you over and over AND OVER!! HOW YOU FELT! That’s when you fuckig say something! You fucking tell me hey I’ve been having some doubtsabout the relationship and I’m not sure if I’m happy, and then we would have talked, seen that we felt the same way, and ended things respectfully together. But instead, you kept that shit in for months so you could blindside me before i have shit to do

FUCK. YOU.

How do you expect relationships to go? We small talk, fuck, eat, and sleep? And give each other space but don’t ever text or talk while we’re apart? What kind of relationship is that?

Beat change

What kind of relationship was i settling for? With someone who, not wouldn’t, but couldn’t share their feelings. Someone who was incable of really anything involving emotional intelligence. Someone who RARELY asked me how i was doing or what i was thinking about or how i was feeling. Never asked about my past, never knew HUGE pieces of who i am because he never bothered to dig around? He never knew about my depression, or the self harm, or the eating disorder, just a few. So many parts of what ultimately made me me and he just never asked. I asked about him CONSTANTLY and i could never get much.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i have to do so much fucking legwork to get the affection i need and so much effort to train him how to respond to a text in less than an hour. What was i settling for? Because he was the one? Hell no, we been knew this was casual from the start

OH THAT TOO! BITCH THIS WHOLE OPERATION WAS YOUR IDEA!!!!

We weren’t even dating! We weren’t a couple! We were hooking up and then YOU decided you liked me more and YOU decided you wanted to be exclusive and YOU wanted me to be your girlfriend and YOU initiated all those conversations that got us here. And then YOU have the audacity (I’m being dramatic) to step out after you decide theres no fixing us when you didn’t even give it a fair shot. When i brought up how to make us better and how i asked how you felt about every little thing just to gain an inch of insight into what the fuck was ever on your mind.

What kind of relationship was i settling for? Where i had to stretch to get reassurance. Where i had to stretch to get validation. Where no compliment came free or unprovoked. Basically everything you ever told me was because i fucking prompted you to speak. If i hadn’t, we wouldn’t. If i didn’t start a conversation, there was no conversation.

God i am so fucking angry about it. Yes I’m sad and we’ll get to that, but I’m really fucking angry. And i feel guilty because i want to shut down and not be social but i feel like people are fucking relying on me to show up to stuff and drive people to things and camp and do all this and i fuckiiiiinnnggg wanna just not.

But i can’t be a hermit because then i let everyone down. If i bail that means mark has no ride or tent and julia won’t go and shell be bummed and shea will be mad because I’ll miss another fucking larp and everything falls on me

But if i go, i know myself, and I’m gunna be a fucking wreck the whole time. I’m gunna be crying and not wanting to participate and I’m gunna have to watch all the couples be happy and be like “so wheres spencer? What happened? Are you okay?”

I hate are you okay.

Fuckin..???? Like..???? Naw?? I got dumped before a bunch of shit i was super excited for and now can’t be excited because I’m heartbroken and have to do all this shit without him after getting my hopes up that he would go and it would be so romantic and right up our alley and so fun.. and now it’s fucking ruined and everytime i think about the larp, i think about how many people are counting on me to go and how people will say they understand but are also super disappointed and secretly hate me for throwing a wrench in our plans

BUT ITS NOT MY FUCKING WRENCH

ITS HIS WRENCH BECAUSE HE COULDNT HAVE FUCKING TOLD ME HOW HE WAS FEELING MONTHS AGO OR, and i can’t stress this enough, FUCKING WAITED UNTIL AFTER.

I’m mad because he knew how important this weekend was to me, that i literally cut my family vacation short to spend time with him, and i can’t even get to enjoy it with my friends now cuz i swear theyre all gunna be looking at me and thinking ah shit is she ok, should we say something, is she drinking too much, is she eating too much, is she blinking too much, hey are you okay?

I’m frustrated too because i swear i went back and forth on breaking up with him so much and i can’t believe he’s the one who did it, and blindsided me, and ruined my fun weekend. I literally texted mark like a week before my trip in a frenzy like I NEED TO BREAKUP WITH SPENCER! And he talked me down. Yah, mark talked me down. Who always seemed to hate spencer and not like that we were dating, he fucking talked me out of ending it. MARK.

Dude, fuck you, right now. Fuck you for not being about to just talk to me. Fuck sake, it can’t seriously be that difficult to have an emotion formed into a single thought right? I do it constantly. How hard is it to say “i feel like we’re having problems” or “I’m struggling” or fucking anything. Nah, just keep it in and unleash it on the worst time possible. Sounds super.

Fuck you man.

Ima go to bathroom or something. I need to walk this off. Fuck I’m so angry

Also, fuck you for the corny friend line near the end

“I hope that someday-“ “i swear to god if you say that we can still be friends..” “well.. yeah, id like to”

Like, fuck me gently with a chainsaw, i don’t wanna be your friend, dude. We don’t really have a lot in common, it’s kinda part of why we’re breaking up, remember?

The couples who usually stay friends after a breakup are the ones who have a ton in common and lose attraction for each other, whereas spence and i have eh not a lot a lot in common, and i reaaallyy attracted to him. That pairing doesn’t bode for great friends. That sets us up to be like fuck buddies again. No, i don’t wanna be friends. At least not now. I basically said we’ll cross that bridge when we get there, but honestly, fuck that noise, ok? That’s basically u saying that I’m not attractive and that youd be fine just hanging out in groups and hitting on my friends.

Pass.

I’m glad i asked about romy tho. I always thought he had a thing for her and maybe that was why he wanted to end things. Theyd make a good match i guess. Both of them are incapable of expressing any emotions and are crazy stoners.

Man i am not gunna miss the potheads. Omigod. I worry so fucking much about his health and I’ve told him many times. Youll notice, if you read the records back, not once has he expressed interest in my health. Never commented on drinking or working out or anything really. Never worried about my safety ever. Not even after i was sexually assaulted, which i know is a low blow, but honestly..??? Where was the concern? Where was the fuck that guy attitude? If someone had groped spencer, you better believe i would say some shit. I would fucking destroy them. I wouldve done anything to keep him safe, including getting sexually assaulted so that i could get his drunk ass home. Whos gunna carry you back to your dorm anymore? Whos gunna take care of you when you’re throwing up from alcohol poisoning? Won’t be ANY of the people in your inner circle, I’ll tell you that much. Your friends don’t give a shit about your health and it shows and it broke my heart everytime. I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

I watched your friends ignore you vomiting.

And then offer you weed. Then you threw up again and they passed out. Ffucking what? call me overattentive, but thank god you had me those nights. When you passed out drunk behind a tent at BFtR or when you got too high at a wonderland party or when you drank too much at the alpha toga party and were throwing up in ralphs bags while your friends IGNORED YOU. whos gunna do that for you now? Are you gunna end up dead after a delta party one day because your friends don’t give a shit about you? I worried about this NONSTOP. Because i cared so much about you, and i still do. And i would worry every time youd leave the house and go to bars or whatever because i know that something like that is going to happen again, and I’m not gunna be there to pick up the pieces and give you a placw to sleep and make sure you drink water and take medicine and care about you. Tell me which one of your “friendsl is going to care about you the way i did. Cuz I’ve watched them all fail that test frankly and it breaks my heart.

But i guess.. that’s not my problem anymore. The days of getting you home safe after one too many is over. The nights of staying up till 5 am holding your hair up are over. The conversations I’ve tried to have about your health and hoping youd change those habits is over. Cuz it can’t be my problem anymore. Cuz i can’t watch you kill yourself anymore. I can’t watch you poison yourself everyday anymore. I can’t watch you hurt and hurt and shove it all down anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t watch you be high anymore. I can’t look at you with your eyes drooping anymore. I can’t worry about you taking weird drugs and acid and wondering if you’re okay anymore. Cuz I’m not your girlfriend anymore, and i can’t be your friend either. But i hope you get such a friend soon. I hope you find a better person to look after you a little. Cuz I’ve watched too many of your “friends” just inable you to do dumb dangerous shit. I can’t watch it anymore

I’m not gunna fight for us to stay together. I’m not gunna ask you to reconsider. I’m gunna (try to) not reach out. I don’t wanna talk. Theres nothing more to say. Anything else, all of this, is just me being angry. And needing to get out anger, but it doesn’t ever need to see him. He doesn’t need to hear how I’m feeling. He doesn’t need to see me suffer. He doesn’t need to hear that I’m angry or sad or doing well. He feels enough guilt as it is, and i don’t need to add to it.

But i can still be angry. And i can still be sad. And at some point, I’m gunna do okay. Because that’s how this shit goes. You go up and you go down and you have friends, real friends, there to catch you. And i hope you do too.

For now, it’s too hard. It’s too hard to look at my instagram with pictures of you. It’s too hard to see your face. It’s too hard to think about what to do about your mom and sister that follow me. It’s too hard to think about if i want to take the pictures down.. cuz what if you do..

I guess i should probably sleep.. but i just feel really fucking hollow. And really fucking heavy. And really fucking tired. But really fucking sad... like really fucking sad..

And i bet he’s feeling none of it. Cuz that’s what he does. He pushes everything away and never talks about how things affect him.

As we were talking, he said that this was the most he’s cried in the past years combined. And considering the last year he had, that is really fucking sad. In some ways it’s nice to know i had a big impact, but also like.. god.. he needs to be talking to someone. He needs a therapist. He needs help. He says he doesn’t, but he does. We dated for 10 months and he couldn’t talk about his dad. We never talked about my past. He really scimmed the surface of what a connection should be, and that’s really sad. And he ended it before he could make some real improvement because he was getting better.. really slowly but he was.

Idk what to do with myself. Idk how to feel or what to say or who to say it to. I want to sleep and i want to do yoga tomorrow. And i want to figure it out from there.

#samiswriting