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randomclam24 · 9 months

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I found some fulfillment in making music playlists back on YouTube before the perma-ban, even if no one else seemed to give a reaction

I learned both The Entertainer and Maple Leaf Rag on piano - why am I so lazy?

Update I've been up all night Everything about the Luciferian "true self" - that must hinge around the trauma said to result from an extreme situation as a three-to-four-year-old (that causes the personality split)

What do you want from me? >

Update Unironically I always saw material ike Elfen Lied like a vindication of all that kind of Luciferian crap

I didn't like when someone said, in supposing, it was just "grimdark for its own sake" - that implies it had no real purpose

Honestly if it *was* just grimdark for its own sake - taking that seriously - that would imply that it itself is Luciferian

When it comes to any further mishaps with "midwits", I really just don't want any further issues. I don't want to be drug down into a lower echelon, so to speak. Don't judge me

Weeks ago, I said I don't know what I want, even while getting drunk, hoping to have that remove my inhibitions, and that made me angry. If all this is accurate, then "no shit"

I wish this world had any such outlets

Part of me wants to be as far from people like my boomer-ass parents as physically possible

It was my dad that did it

And I hope it's understood that it's not merely about physical removal - it's about mentally removing myself from anything to do with

I don't want to go on in things like my music playlists being completely not understood - I don't want them to come off as ear-piercingly loud, but at the same time [The internet was completely cut off extensively while I tried to post this part specifically] [and shadow-removed afterward!] And while I'm at it, I don't care for people to give me that snark humor like they usually have - what is snark? Snark is low-level

Update I don't think it's reflected through anyone else I know, that what I experience subjectively through some of my choice music out there is something i think would die off if I did

So i.e. give me that flak like I'm going to fuck it up (P.S. I actually know how to drive)

Update (That kind of flak was unironically people's focus before now)

I don't even know if I believe in that split-personality stuff, but studies have been done that it can occur in that age range So with that said, I don't know

So I can spill the beans about emotions you don't know, and they would continue to not be known - no avail!

Update That much isn't "grifting" - that's a legitimate plea

Update Most direct example of a potential split-personality case: Mario 7/29 Build's OST that's about half an hour long that goes into the Les Damnes in reverse music only to cut off with the original Mario 64 credits music like it never happened

Update I want somebody to scare me like I've been scared before

Update All that means I should be avoided

8/4 My life has no purpose. I'm just going to bide my time. That's it.

Update Okay, it's morning. I shouldn't be allowed to speak anymore.

Update If there was ever a point at night when my dad isn't in his office and actually goes to bed, then I could pull off the home phone verification

Update It is the middle of summer. Wherever I go that would be in addition to when I get to be driven out somewhere already, the heat would be bearing down the entire way there, because I wouldn't be in a car with air conditioning. I have a driver license, but I asked if mom trusts me driving one of their cars, and she definitely said no. And the only reason it doesn't feel like we're relatively isolated from the rest of the world is because by car the time requirement is shortened down to about five minutes in any direction plus the time required to actually enter a neighboring county. It seemed like there was some leeway with mom's sympathy over the fact that I couldn't drive anywhere myself and I wanted to, so she will drive me places sometimes, by my little sister has been driving one of their cars by necessity the whole time and only just recently got her own.

Update Before, I drove a car that was essentially handed down to me when my mom got a newer one, just for whatever reason. She sold it later because she didn't want to pay the insurance, so there it went. Now I haven't driven in long enough, she doesn't want me to drive myself even with the excuse my sister had. I don't have that reason, but still, now that she has her own, it should be freed up.

I want to just say I have $55, take me to such and such restaurant

Update I asked but didn't specify anything other than that I want to go out to a restaurant, and she said tomorrow morning, and that she would take me to Wal-mart if I wanted

What else have we got that I like to get regularly? There is the bread bowl at Panera Bread, which in St. Louis we've usually just called the St. Louis Bread Company. Basically the aftermath of the soup being cleared out is that the entire bowl tastes like it's been dipped.

Update Okay, so I get it with broccoli cheddar soup. That way it's cheesy.

My main choices for restaurant right now are either something with burgers, or review Buffalo Wild Wings with all their sauces.

Well, it's not like I haven't had any of the burgers before. I guess I'll shill for that.

Update I always like chicken tenders, so I guess that's what I'm going to get.

Update From what I've heard about people that frequent there seriously, my eyes feel like they get sunken in just by thinking about it.

I wanted it because it's the new experience

8/5 night Last week, I bought a 4-pack of Monster because I hadn't tried any in a long time. I think that should be cut out altogether. I don't like the aftereffects. Also, I'm going to go the next week without alcohol - any.

If I was going on absolute preference for where to eat tomorrow, I would go to A&W because I love root beer. But it's not like I haven't had that lately.

Update later It's closed on Saturday.

My dog will just come out of nowhere and start licking me in the face.

Wow, it's so bad that now that I've spoiled relations to whatever extent, now I can't layer ten thousand "Looks like you're going to the Shadow Realm, Jimbo" No that [always] would have been in bad taste

He crossed this nigHgea icnrtoos stehde sthhaidsow nriegHaeglacmr oisnsteod thteh isshadonwi grgeaalminto the shadow realm

I guess we're just going to Wal-mart then

It appears you are about to enter the Shadow Realm Jimbo.

Would you like: A: Bag of fries [Description: When eaten, you recover about 24HP.] B: Fitness Gram Pacer Test

8/5

Update Tonight, we're going to a place that serves both hot wings and pizza.

Based on our last visits to Wal-mart, we went to Aldi first so I could see if they still had pork rinds, and I got three Clancy's hot & spicy pork rinds, because they were cheap. Then when we got to Wal-mart, they had restocked on them and even had multiple flavors So I've got a jumbo size BBQ Mac's. There's also a regular size bag of both jalapeno cheddar and salt & vinegar. They really had pork rinds in that flavor. And since they were so good, I got a salt & vinegar bag of Uglies chips, and mom even got a BBQ-flavored one.

And I lied about not getting any alcohol It turned out this way because it turns out I don't really have the choice to go to any restaurant I want. Also, if they're willing to get the hot wings to accommodate me, that's enough, and I've had just about everything else.

They had Flamin' Hot pork rinds, but it was another brand, and I just didn't want to actually eat Flamin' Hot pork rinds

Update after dinner I managed to get the "red hot" chicken wings and tabasco sauce. It was already such a thing with my mom about how hot they were going to be on their own. When I added the tabasco sauce, the wings were already hot enough on their own I couldn't taste the difference. The tabasco was only rated three flames out of five. Now I agree with - no, can *only* agree with the meme about the guy looking like Goku serving white people their food where the customer asks, get me some really hot sauce, and he picks out the sauce labelled "extra mild for white people" - now that you know, it's the allegory of the cave variant where you just see a giant monster on a hellscape and it says you're here forever - the end

She looked at me like I was going to get myself killed on these things. But that could be the gangstalking.

Don't get me wrong. It was hot. But did I even get the sniffles? No

Fact: All I have to show is pork rinds of different flavors. I already knew all of this shit

Update There are outages for 4chan having been reported since this afternoon

Update For the 2025 inauguration, Donald Fred Fuckstone achieves terminal blowhard

"I know so many people that would be mad"

Update If the world inside my private space starts to feel like a bunker or a fox hole, what does that make the outside world? I've heard it named an open-air prison, but I don't see it like that's going to stick. In a way, I can see the metaphor of a trench run, but that is implying that most people give a fuck among these anonymous users and aren't just shitposting. That's not the majority from what I've seen

Maybe even anons are making a mistake where zoomers are said to be by just about everybody: they're thinking all the irony of their shitposting-living just transfers off of them to Clown World

I mean, to an extent, I can get away with doing that here. So

Update It seemed like low-hanging fruit at the time, but on a YouTube playlist that I didn't back up, I found the similarity between Floor 555 (used the instrumental) and the Katz theme But I remember someone commenting on Floor 555 that it sounds like the calm before the storm type of vibe

8/6 night, practically morning Holy shit the site is back

If I'm drunk and I can have the ideal world where everyone can connect to each other like it's classic colonial America plus,

F--- - this is like a dream I had about angel music but didn't remember a lick of it - I told my mom about that as a kid and that somehow brought her to tears

What does it say about the state of the country if Denzel Curry also mentioned having a split personality in Blood In / Blood Out, in addition to Kanye having "bipolar", which is in my book a repression to a fault of the same thing?

Also, "anyone can kill someone - that don't make you a real man" - what actually produces Mother 3 on the N64DD? But also, since a project for that recreation is already underway, I remembered, back in the day I already saw a recreation of the Pigmasks in high detail in a recreation of New Pork City where the homonculus fiend creature was one of the main points of the server's events to stay away from, in Garry's Mod - just tonight, I saw a video stating that the developers claimed that, even in their consideration of porting to the Nintendo Gamecube, it *still* wouldn't solve the limitations the expanded project ran into - so it's anyone's guess what *really* held it back, but when it comes down to it - visually, Garry's Mod is 7th-gen! I saw those visuals and was kind of inspired by it.

When i looked up the Yeezus playlist, one extra track that was included was the one where Kanye basically lays out, sometimes the worst thoughts are next to the best/brightest. But I'm sure that pertains to the split personality dichotomy, if you follow along. [I Thought About Killing You - YouTube

This is the one, so you know]

And I kept a Notepad document for this occasion, for adequate review before posting: "Half of what appears in Mother 3's OST would seem to be in accordance with what the guy by the lakeside just outside town at the beginning of Earthbound said about wanting to serenade the world with his haunting melody One example from while writing this:" Mother 3 OST "Restored" Cumbersome Guys - YouTube

"I think I might just genuinely be saying that with hate - in mind"

"Also, from the images that I compared to that one video over some different level of fear that would keep a marine up at night - I didn't mention, because it didn't last that long, but the first time Walter Sullivan actually shows up to your front door, which isn't even a necessary event in the gameplay's continuity - that was unforgivable. That was the first time, though, and it happened to be the PS2 version. I don't remember if it was smooth texturing or not. Like all trauma impacts us, what am I meant to do with scary moments that are unforgivable like that It's as if no one else else experiences this, because that kind of talk doesn't really float out there If they did, American scary movies would be seen as one of two: either too scary to even continue looking at the screen because of their implications, or not scary enough because they're ultimately tame in their presentation as a medium"

"If Kanye's "muh bipolar personality disorder" deal as it relates to "muh split personality" has any meaning, there's something in the fact that I love you all and hate you all with a passion at the same time"

Allegedly, with the man tasked with giving the news that the project had been shut down executively, "there was a three-hour session of just viewing and screenshotting the gameplay" - "Ironic take while 3AM (on the dot!) - killing a fuck-nigga isn't going to bring back Mother 3 bitch"

Update after some deleted ones Okay, I have one: there are ways to get people to interpret what you're doing as a cry for help, but what do zoomers do in the irony of Clown World?

8/6 I'm just evidence that evil people run the world.

8/7 If teaching religion was a matter of parents properly teaching their kids from the start as members of the state, realistically, by now they formally have an obligation to rewrite religion so that it's all about obedience. Stop all this lottery-ticket mentality with how there's inherent power in God. That could encourage independents.

Update I realize drinking as a more regular thing than once in a while is degenerate. But I really just don't like you people, so I'm going to do it knowing that.

Here, get me UDK again, with that tutorial that was advertising to be within half an hour. At least it's doing *something*. It's not being productive - which really would just contribute to my personal funding anyway, which I don't care about at all.

Update Just like I'm sure if I got a job, the jews behind the scenes would work through every inroad to trash it, if people saw me actually working with something that's supposed to be fancy like UDK when the rest of Mario beta lore is in the N64 format, everyone would just be like wow, and then they would trash that socially

I don't want to be caught with something ostensibly gay and weird, so I'm just going to deliberately not pursue my actual passions, because that's what they are inherently

Update There's hardly a moment when I'm thinking seriously that at least one of my parents isn't gravitated toward the kitchen to be stepping around directly above me, timed according to gangstalking.

Update Already threw up because I had four boiled eggs before that and a lot of pork rinds

I will never amount to anything - yeah I know

Update I can't get this shit down without wanting to throw up - I don't know what was going right before - it was at higher proofs. In doing so, you're doing it while intaking less actual liquid.

Update If I can't get this down to drink myself to death by alcohol poisoning, what else am I meant to be here for? Getting paid to be impotent on the clock?

I already have all the pork rinds I want and can afford them on a weekly basis, so I don't need anyone's advice. I already have all the money in the world. Now what

Update I think when it has to keep coming down to self-censored questions like [redacted], you have to realize, when you're speaking as an American, you're not talking as this enlightened group - you're speaking as a tax farm

Near-immediate update So yeah, let's change it to "oh say can you simp"?

And instead of "by the dawn's early light" - since there's no context that would put itself with such a concept as what the national anthem suggests, you can make this backdrop the really hairy anus of a mixed-race

The whole point should be to officially change the thing so everyone can only stare the reality dead in the face from this point forward - so if you're going to do it and have it not be completely forced, just skip all that and start hailing Lucifer according to the 33rd-degree doctrines ad infinitum for the rest of eternity, because that's all she wrote

Update So why isn't 30+ degree Freemasonry the formal religion? It's because they have to keep it secretive? One of the things said in the "Esoteric Cannibalism of the Old World Order" video was that China was the most ancient hotbed of human cannibalism - might be what they're really getting at with "ancient Chinese secret"? Just saying So then how much of our own people do you think are actively engaged in human cannibalism, in that capacity? There's *supposed* information that *ten percent* are actually Luciferians under this system of Masonry.

Update This is hard to explain, but some games have an "otherworld" - or is that really just Silent Hill? There's Persona, too, but some people don't want to acknowledge that. Okay.

That's what I wish in some capacity I could explore by my own means. That's a lot healthier than saying "fuck everybody"

Update I'm always going to be preoccupied with what I'm worried about. At that point, you might as well make it my focus.

Update /pol/ isn't even interesting. All that happens when I think everything is worthless as an effect of this is triggering a marauding sound effect from a nearby engine running by from gangstalking. I'm getting groomed. Getting groomed preventatively is all I have to live for!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aTJ_rxWd3Q (looped at half volume in the meantime) Hey everybody, self-proclaimed final boss of the internet here (no) (I never did but - the point is that's what /pol/ got called, so by proxy)

I have absolutely nothing to report

Reviewing another new episode of By the Numbers

If this was another life (I wouldn't have given up, on principle?)

The culture of media used to feel like something to constantly, constantly get caught up with, it was so active. When was that, the last time? I quit caring after 2013, and that's relatively late.

For all it was chocked up to be, the 30's cartoon meme of bubbliness when drunk now seems more like a privilege than a shaming - I can't even reach that, for the most part.

Update I don't know how to reconcile that. I've checked out, on principle, and yet I'm here perfectly healthy, ignoring the gut from alcohol now. There was even the Adele album where she says how could a man be so LAZY

If I did anything, I would probably be more likely to be shamed than if I hadn't in the first place - hey

Update After having me go out to help my dad with a chore to a small extent (meaning I don't have to take a shower after it), my mom had me sit with her on a game of Wheel of Fortune - I was thinking, like, no, I'm not a prodigy like that that I can just answer these things - in fact otherwise wouldn't I try to be one of these guys on the TV as a contestant? But that reminded me, on older computers like my dad's old Macintosh, I think, they had a pinball game that was virtual so that you could have as many alternate boards as you wanted according to what hole you went in to transfer you, and I mentioned that. That's been included in nostalgia compilations recently.

Blood- Fresh Supply pisses me off a bit because, after I've already seen the goodness that GZDoom's modern versions can provide, this remake still has the software color palette.

I'm thinking, that would be cool if you could *take* a fancier game engine and make certain areas that *feel* like they're out of N64.

Update An example of where I would have "hate" in this state - ouch Remembering what some Mario 64 dreams have managed to be like, in contrast to what Mario B3313 is even in its extension - no diss, but that's "hate"

I said I wake up sometimes, and it feels like I'm going a class lower

Update Also, in consideration of the mentality of some autists that, if you can set things up in a format that's like "leveling up", you can motivate these people to achieve great things more than most - I think of a lot of things in terms of what I can get *other people* to grasp and overcome themselves, without having to give them more than occasional advice, not having to hold their hand, and that holds even with consideration of religion.

I don't know beyond the way I just consider things like that something to hold over there still on the horizon, for not just yet.

I mean, for all the talk that's existed about "hiding your power level in public" when it comes to red pills - that's what it's called - if religion's red pills are as straightforward as acknowledging the passages against homosexuality as opposed to not, is that even what would be to be considered having a high power level? And yet it's genuine. People would act like you're being a "Pharisee" of the modern day by sticking to this scripture which is only regarded in name only anymore, as opposed to being those Christians that would allow it and not care one way or the other.

Update 'Cause all my niggas are decked out bro - I get the whole shebang with the small pizzas from Mach Pizza and so on - get loaded out with peanut cheese bars

Update So the best living-up-to I have of my mom's prodigy expectations is that I tend to have a nose for these sorts of things, but then I'm still too lazy to get past the gold-digging quest in Earthbound without the use of save states.

Update I don't know if this is any good, but - it's true that back in the day of boomers, MDMA was actually legal, to the extent that boomer parents likely at some point did that stuff in clubs. i remembered that with the whole visual effects of Wheel of Fortune and the memory of virtual pinball as a source of nostalgia.

What the heck

I always thought AIDS was the ultimate scientific confirmation of what the Bible accused gays of with "bloodguiltiness", in itself, but some anons are very autistic and say that's fake just the same as nukes - I never heard that before until recently

Update There's got to be some way to address this. It's very simple that people adhered to an open-minded mentality of Christendom to the extent that Phariseedom was eventually interpreted to include people who still regard gayness as having bloodguiltiness as said in the Bible. We can't agree on basic things, so this *is* relevant.

Update I don't intend to insert myself into people's personal scenarios, but there is simple truth here - "let your yes be yes and your no be no" - when you say you have to "pass" in order to be sexy, aren't you giving the straight admission that you have to deceive people?

I'm autistic or something (you know what? I don't care about you people who say that)

Update And then, in the meantime, Mother 3's Magicant-dweller-equivalents are all like this. Ironically, none of the ones who are said to be transsexual actually even remotely pass - this was 2006

Update I've been gangstalked subtly long enough, Big Hero 6's movie might have ripped off of my nanobot-construction-system concept from the time. No I am not kidding. [This arbitrarily failed to load, the first time.]

Update Maybe everything I call "hate" in this state is just what 4channers call "disdain for plebs". That in itself isn't hate. But compound that with what we know from collective experience about people acting elitist despite the fact of all this. Yeah.

Update Would mentioning "humility" in this kind of context piss a lot of people off? Maybe a lot of the *right* people?

Update I guess i don't respect myself as much personally - although I guess that's already redundant with the Kanye song link reference

Emotions - what are they? If they're not allowed to be expressed

I respect people who carry their weight, but, with this society, god damn

I think I *know* what I mean by, I want to get roasted - someone that I respect like Common Filth, reprimand me like my father always has, so that it's in a way that's actually meaningful, for once!

It always piss me off, even though to everybody else it's a silly "joek", the filmed guy at the inauguration of Donald J. Trump cries out "nooooo!" is a dime a dozen in this country where competency is not!

Update I had a foreign friend who said things like, look, buddy, we used to use people llke you as sandbags during the war - and now he himself is taken because of marijuana use - maybe nothing like that was ever meant in the first place. It was maybe just dick-flexing because the guy's a douche in general and happened to be aligned to the right at the time.

Update I have a beautiful non-hatred for you people, and I'm afraid I'm too simply lazy for any of that to be realized as a serenade to this indecent society

War of the Words - Mother 3 (Remastered) - YouTube

Update The meme from /pol/ was a 12-year-old's drawing of muh Hitler 'stache saying "I don't apreciate you", which got copied and edited extensively - I know I get that

I don't actively hate

But holy shit does it *feel* like hate

Update I hate time Its passage in slow motion is my enemy Don't make fun

I think it's in my *worst case* that I would have an opportunity, uniquely, to distance myself identitarily from what the accusation with Charles Manson *was*

You got entire songs of, "I got tha powah!", but this is demotivational because of the assocation to the bad family, which is indeed bad, by any reasonable person's standards.

Even the Bible has clear passages like, those who frequent whores are doomed for hell, and that's the exact kind of person Charles Manson appealed to - in fact, I heard he peddled whores to the elites. So that's not forgivable. But assuming it's just his "cult of personality" alone that makes the accusation against me, then what? I want to be clean of this.

It's not really making me "think hard" so much - it's just really obstructive. That's why I've called it just shitposting.

I have disdain just for people who have the same trouble I do in real time trying to keep down the alcohol to accommodate for my differences to the rest of mankind when it comes to necessity to even be *affected* by the substance - what does that really mean, to regular people?

I have so much f'in control over myself, I'm a f'in *square*

It's like, make something already or just *bust*, b'!

It's basically "don't try this at home", but given my trauma, it's like being Lain's "the Wired" when I'm like this - what I hate is the restraint

How many people even believe it? It may as well be a robot in the White House! And how many people care about this country in particular

Update Outmode my ramblings - I honestly dare you Gotten a bit bored

update What is Rick and Morty's "True Level"? Are the creators just trolling us with that?

You have certain people who are exceptional at predicting the future of economics - are there no people to predict anything other than collapse at this point?

I wish for someone I respect like Common Filth to put me in my place. But I don't see that happening.

Somebody beat me up

Update In the past couple days or week or more, I've had dreams about inter-strung platforms in a widening abyss becoming a set of stages in themselves, to the point that it becomes a campaign in itself - what exactly am I dreaming?

When I wake up, what do I care about more? (inb4...)

I don't *know*

Update "Knowing is half the battle" - what do you call what I'm without? Parental guidance has been a shit, what else?

I even make it *class*-based - would tell my parents right now, fuck you you selfish urchin

I have about five thousand beefs with you

Update I don't know anything about why this comes to mind just now, but there was a secret glitch dimension to Putt-Putt and Pep's Dog on a Stick through a combination in the level editor to where it was in a domestic kitchen with no other real explanation, and that was just part of the game code - if you feel me

Update If I don't like myself, it's not enough to stop me from rambling like this, in this state. So I must not hate myself as much.

I heard from a black man owning a car in gangstalking, "Eric - I *love* you - but you have *so much* to learn" - and that's without any real *intimate* awareness.

I don't think anybody else as a kid appreciated the value of just letting the void in in spinning around in the indoor whirlpool as a kid and not giving a shit otherwise [The internet went out on this one]

Update Cinemassacre used to be a regular series, to put things in context!

Gritting my teeth; chasing dutterbucks in my eyes - hoping not to lose my meal in the process - not a good thing to ever recommend to another living person (shock in my wrists like a slow electricity)

I wish you viewers a peaceful life - but holy shit the world as a whole isn't going to go fine

Update Speaking for a computer system that has to operate in absence of meaning: hatred, hatred hatred hatred hatred hatred

Update

Ironically, I actually care about my parents and family, but their advice still didn't gain me anything in real life

Update I hate you: I want to show you things like the Stanley Parable Demo + game itself failed - what the f---

Unironically, I wanted for a while to make a Doom wad with real-time interconnected maps in a hub structure with an atmosphere like Ib's gameplay music - what do I do with myself? I drink myself into a near-frenzy for this sake, but...

Bite my finger

I don't expect *anybody* impressing me with that - but holy shit would that be impressive

Update To Ib's music, the St. Louis Botanical Garden is something I gave a shit about, but didn't give a shit about at the same time - and I wanted to make a simple 3D game's atmosphere to match the vibe of that OST while capturing that aesthetic, potentially.

I don't know what I want with myself - you can call me a womanizer even now, with the way there are games even now that entice me like that one did. What is inspiration? It's not faithful, if we're being literal like that. Ouch.

Update There was a Doom mod online that had players randomize who would be the killer with a knife in these haunted mansions late at night, which I drew inspiration from aesthetically because of the views you could get from in spite of the horrific denouement(?) My dad caught me in this server and told me never to go there again

Update I hate, I hate, I hate, but holy shit, I don't feel resentment toward the individuals

I want to scream

It used to be a thing to rate people alternatively based on an "EQ" - emotional intelligence - but I haven't seen that since, and the only song that expresses me on this is the lyric "and I feel so alone"

If things were actually compatible on the level that they are in depth

Update There is that Lain OP lyric, I am drowning I'm painstakingly aware when people are unfeeling on subjects - don't judge me

I don't hate myself, and I'm not a narcissist.

How am I supposed to know if an emotion *I* feel isn't going to be hand-had by someone on the opposite side of the spectrum for things I don't like?

There's a reality to an *extent* like the Sailor Moon OP, that it's a miracle that we got to live in the same life as each other (having similar experiences, across all this time and space), but, if it's going to be that controversial at the same time...I don't know!

Update And if that does come down to a conflict, I *do* hate you - life doesn't need to be that complicated - we're already so isolated in person, why make further conflict?

I think I'm going to throw up ...(?)

I hate this world we were born into! God damn!

Update Who *knows* if it's grifting for attention - I feel alone

In the sense of just exclaiming it to the masses, I don't necessarily "hate people" - but I've given up so much

I once wished at the weeb festival at the Botanical Garden for a girlfriend willing to dress up as Sabitsuki with the iron pipe effect [(I remember the black dress effect too! - combination? why not!)] for me at such an event - really, that's just one idea - it could be anything else - but good gracious, my emotions themselves are practically null outwardly, like I'll never express them if left alone.

"Euphoria ... slow dance with society"

I don't know what blessing I have, because I couldn't give it to you if I tried.

I wish I could travel the world and know everything.

I hate so much - in that I wish I could just skip on a *lot* of things that don't seem necessary!

I hate *life*, *religion*, *occupation* - and I'm already exhausted thinking about it.

And if you think there's nothing productive to come by by this and that I'm just a degenerate for this, I don't like that *either* because in fact I *do* try! I do.

Update I remember the lyric, if you ain't about to fade, you better *buck*, nigga!

How has that aged? (Don't give me shit)

Honestly, either one of two: give me a Common Filth that berates me into becoming something better, or don't roast me so freely so I can post more freely myself. Make your pick.

Tired of "tired"

Update I've heard a recent meme from somebody that "I'm just not going to do it hahaha" roused an endless hateful rant from some boomer - if only I could manage to rouse that in musical format!

Have you ever just paid the toll to feed the karp at the Botanical Garden for a few minutes and nothing else?

"Yare yare daze"

Update Wind Waker final boss at the end: "The wind...it is blowing."

Update Nigga nigga nigga nigga nigga! I'm 200% nigga!

Update I'mma scream No Eating Crackers in the Cinema in 8-bit format until I'm arrested, at this rate

Update What am I supposed to do with my emotions about the inevitable? And what are you going to do if you don't even agree with them? [They deleted this, the first time - what the heck!]

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cloudinterlude · 1 year

Note

2, 5, 20!

2. How did you get the idea to write this?

For this ask, I'll be talking about my Fashion Director (or Designer)/Model (amongst other things) Steve AU that's set in 2004-2006 NY.

So, it was actually a little out of pettiness lol! I was feeling particularly frustrated about the lack of Silver Fox Tony since their canon age gap is ~15 years in the MCU and yet, most fics skew the other way 😵. Which honestly, I don't have a problem with people writing what they want (I'd be a hypocrite if I did) but I just wished there was more of what I want. So then I started thinking about an AU that wouldn't be too hard to plot out along with some of my favorite Stony dynamics and ample room for introspection.

I've been turning around an AU that has a lot to do with fame for a while. I kept jumping among roles (Musician Tony, Sound Producer Steve? Actor Tony, Director Steve? Child reality star Steve?) for such a long while but nothing about those really fit my urge. And then boom, I saw a video on TikTok about 2000s nostalgia and it hit me - If I want to make this story celebrity-centric, then I can set it in a time where the media was particularly ruthless, nasty and downright amoral and fame-obsessed! Set in one of the worse industries when it comes to bodily autonomy, easy enough to get research on and easy to build a plot around - it was perfect! I actually intended it to be a lot more lighthearted than it's ending up but I'm a sucker for any type of realism in fics.

5. Is there any scene you're excited about writing?

A few...mostly the ones that push the characters out of a comfortable situation and force them to face things they've been avoiding. All in an effort to develop them to be better than they are.

Wait, I just thought of one. So basically Tony and Steve are going to have an age gap in this story. Tony is around 38 - Steve is around 23. And not to mention the issue with Steve being employed by Tony. Like, yikes! They are going to have a conversation amongst themselves about how to navigate that while minimizing the amount of room for....wrongdoing. It's gonna be tough lol. It's not really something I see in a lot of stories that deal with power dynamics, which I get, but because of what both these characters have been through, there needs to be an open discussion eventually about the reality of their situation and gap in life experiences + traumas, etc etc.

20. Give a vague description of something that will happen without revealing too much

Oops, I think I did that for number 5, but I can give a little more. Here's a really out of context plot point that I'm still building on, not really a huge spoiler since it's vaguely mentioned in chapter 1: Steve originally was revealed to the public through his missing persons poster which rose in popularity because of his looks. Steve has a lot of (mostly negative) feelings about that.

That's that! Thank you so much for indulging me anon ♡♡♡ All these details are subject to change, but the general idea is locked in for the most part. I honestly wonder if I should have talked about my other WIP instead of this one since it's (a little) more fleshed out, but this AU has been on my mind. Maybe the next ask I'll talk about my other WIP, it's set in canon.

#post office #thank you anon #stony #ironshield #ao3 #fic talk #writing nook

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thebibliosphere · 3 years

Note

So I'm currently unemployed because I got fired for taking too much sick leave (it was legally sketchy blah blah blah but in the end I just can't work and take care of myself and investigate my mystery health problems at the same time). So I've been spending more time writing!

I really admire your writing and loved Hunger Pangs. I'm looking forward to the poly elements developing and I'm wondering if you have any advice for writing about poly. I've made one of my projects a snarky take on "write what you know" ... Apparently what I know is southern gothic meets Pacific northwest gothic, chronic illness pandemic surrealism, and falling back-asswards into threesomes.

I know this is a very open-ended question and I don't expect an answer, I'm just curious about it if you have the energy. As a writer, trying to write honestly / realistically about polyamory/enm, I'm curious if you have any thoughts on what's different about portraying monogamy or nonmonogamy in books, romance or erotica or otherwise.

I'm trying to read examples but it's hard to find examples that fit the niche I'm looking at. Excuse me if this question is nonsense, it's the cluster headaches.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with all that and solidarity on the cluster headaches. But I'm glad you're finding an outlet through writing! And I hope you're happy with an open-ended ramble in response because oh boy, there's a lot I could talk about and I could probably do a better job of answering this sort of thing with more specific questions, but let's see where we end up.

There's definitely a big difference between writing polyamory/ENM (ethical non-monogamy) and what people often expect from monogamous love stories.

Just even from a purely sales and marketing standpoint, the moment you write anything polyamorous (or even just straight up LGBTQIA+ without the ENM) you're going to get considered closer to being erotica/obscene than hetero romances. It's an unfair bias, but it's one that exists in our society. But also the Amazon algorithm and their shitty, shitty human censors. Especially the ones that work the weekends. (Talking to you, Carlos 🖕.)

So not only do you start out hyper-aware that you're writing something that is highly stigmatized or fetishized (at least I'm hyper-aware) but that you are also writing for a niche market that is starving for positive content because the content that exists is either limited, not what they want, or is problematic in some fashion i.e. highly stigmatized or fetishy. And even then, the wants, desires, and expectations of the community you're writing for are complex and wildly varied and hard to fit into an easy formula.

When writing monogamous love stories, there is a set expectation that’s really hard to fuck up once you know it. X person meets Y. Attraction happens, followed by some sort of minor conflict/resolution. Other plot may happen. A greater catalyst involving personal growth for both parties (hopefully) happens. Follow the equation to its ultimate resolution and achieve Happily Ever After.

But writing ENM is... a lot more difficult, if only because of the pure scope of possibilities. You could try to follow the same equation and shove three (or more) people into it, but it rarely works well. Usually because if you’re doing it right, you won’t have enough room in a single character arc to allow for enough growth, and if ENM requires anything in abundance, it’s room to grow.

And this post is huge so I’m going to put the rest under a cut :)

There's also a common refrain in certain online polyam/ENM circles that triads and throuples are overrepresented in media and they may be right to some extent. Personally, I believe the issue isn't that triads and throuples are overrepresented, but that there is such minuscule positive rep of ethical non-monogamy in general, that the few tiny instances we have of triads in media make it seem like it's "everywhere" when in actuality, it's still quite rare and the media we do have often veers into Unicorn Hunter fetish porn. Which is its own problematic thing. And just to be clear, I’m not including this part to dissuade you from writing "falling back-asswards into threesomes." If anything, I need more of it and would hook it directly into my brain if I could. I'm just throwing it out there into the void in the hope that someone will take the thought and run with it, lol.

I’d love to see more polyfidelitous rep in fiction, just as much as I’d like to see more relationship anarchy too. More diversity in fiction is always good.

Another thing that differs in writing ENM romance vs conventional monogamy is the feeling like you need to justify yourself. There's a lot of pressure to be as healthy and non-problematic as possible because you are being held to a higher standard of criticism. Both from people from without the ENM communities, and from the people within. Granted, some people don't give a shit and just want to read some fantastic porn (valid) but there are those who will cheerfully read Fifty Shades of Bullshit and call it "spicy" and "romantic," then turn around and call the most tooth-rottingly-sweet-fluff about a queer platonic polycule heresy. That's just the way the world works.

(Pro-tip for author life in general: never read your own reviews; that way madness lies. I glimpsed one the other day that tagged Hunger Pangs as “ethical cheating” and just about had an aneurism.)

And while that feeling of needing to justify yourself comes from a valid place of being excluded from the table of socially accepted norms, it can also be to the detriment of both the story and the subject matter at hand. I've seen some authors bend so far over backward to avoid being problematic in their portrayal of ENM, they end up being problematic for entirely different reasons. Usually because they give such a skewed, rose-tinted perspective of how things work, it ends up coming off as well... a bit culty and obnoxious tbh.

“Look how enlightened we are, freed from the trappings of monogamy and jealousy! We’re all so honest and perfect and happy!”

Yeah, uhu, sure Jan. Except here’s the thing, not all jealousy is bad. How you act on it can be, but jealousy itself is an important tool in the junk drawer that is the range of human emotion. It can clue us in to when we’re feeling sad or neglected, which in turn means we should figure out why we’re feeling those things. Sometimes it’s because brains are just like that and anxiety is a thing. Other times it’s because our needs are actually being neglected and we are in an unhealthy situation we need to remedy. You gotta put the work in to figure it out. Which is the same as any style of relationship, whether it’s mono, polyam or whatever flavor of ENM you subscribe to* And sometimes you just gotta be messy, because that’s how humans are. Being afraid to show that mess makes it a dishonest portrayal, and it also robs you of some great cannon fodder for character development.

Which brings me in a roundabout way to my current pet peeve in how certain writers take monogamous ideals and apply them to ENM, sometimes without even realizing it. The “Find the Right Person and Settle Down” trope.

Often, in this case, ENM or polyamory is treated as a phase. Something you mature out of with age or until you meet “The One(tm).” This is, of course, an attempt to follow the mono style formula expected in most romances. And while it might appeal to many readers, it’s uh, actually quite insulting.

To give an example, I am currently seeing this a lot in the Witcher fandom.

Fanon Netflix!Jaskier is everyone's favorite ethical slut until he meets Geralt then woops, wouldn’t you know, he just needed to find The One(tm). Suddenly, all his other sexual and romantic exploits or attractions mean nothing to him. Let's watch as he throws away a core aspect of his personality in favor of a man.

Yeah... that sure showed those societal norms...

If I were being generous, I’d say it’s a poor attempt at showing New Relationship Euphoria and how wrapped up people can become in new relationships. But honestly, it’s monogamous bias eking its way in to validate how special and unique the relationship is. Because sometimes people really can’t think of any other way to show how important and valid a relationship is without defining it in terms of exclusivity. Which is a fundamental misunderstanding of how ENM works for a lot of people and invalidates a lot of loving, serious and long-term relationships.

This is not to say that some polyam/poly-leaning people can't be happy in monogamous relationships! I am! (I consider myself ambiamorous. I'm happy with either monogamy or polyamory, it really just depends on the relationship(s) I’m in.) But I also don't regard my relationship with a mono partner as "settling down" or "growing up." It's just a choice I made to be with a person I love, and it's a valid one. Just like choosing to never close yourself off to multiple relationships is valid. And I wish more people realized that, or rather, I wish the people writing these things knew that :P

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled enough. I hope this collection of incoherent thoughts actually makes some sense and might be useful.

----

*A good resource book that doesn't pull any punches in this regard is Polysecure by Jessica Fern. It's a wonderfully insightful read that explores the messier side of consensual non-monogamy, especially with how it can be affected by trauma or inter-relationship conflicts. But it also shows how to take better steps toward healthy, ethical non-monogamy (a far better job than More Than Two**) and conflict resolution, making it a valuable resource both for someone who is a part of this relationship style***, but also for writers on the outside looking in who might have a very simple or misguided idea of what conflict within polyam/ENM relationships might look like, vs traditional monogamous ones.

** The author of More Than Two has been accused of multiple accounts of abuse within the polyamorous community, with many of his coauthors having spoken out about the gaslighting and emotional and psychological damage they experienced while in a relationship with him. A lot of their stories are documented here: https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/ (warning: it is not light material and deals with issues of abuse, gaslighting, and a whole other plethora of Yikes.) While some people still find More Than Two helpful reading, there are now, thankfully, much, much better resources out there.

*** Some people consider polyam/ENM to be part of their identity or orientation, while others view it as a relationship style.It largely depends on the individual.

#long post #writing #ethical non-monogamy #relationship styles #relationship models in fiction #also that kindle link is an affiliate link #because fuck giving amazon free recs

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peanutpinet · 3 years

Text

Lucas (mafia leader) x Reader (female)

A/N: I had this thought for days now and was like, ya know, just let it out. This is my first NCT (?) WayV (?) fanfic? Scenario? Yea XD For those who have read my past fanfics/scenarios, you know how horrible I am in explaining XD but yea, essentially I just imagine that you, the reader are a uni student whilst Lucas is part of the NCT mafia, "leader" of the WayV unit (I know Kun is technically the leader, but just for the sake of the story), okie, leggo

Sighing in defeat, you gathered all your books, stationery and some clothing before sneakily going out of your dorm and to your boyfriend's apartment since he gave you the spare key, saying that it was for emergencies or whenever you wanted to come over.

After texting Lucas that you were heading to his apartment, you went to grab a cab and head there. Truth be told, you never really went there and only got the address from Lucas. Which is why upon arriving, your jaw nearly dropped when you saw his apartment; even making sure whether the address Lucas gave last time was the exact one and making a mental note to yourself to look up things beforehand.

Upon arriving, you felt like you just came from the countryside to the big city. You went to the front desk and inform them who were you looking for, handing in your ID card and was immediately directed to the elevator, one of the securities pressing the highest floor of the elevator and left you in the elevator on your own.

Just when you thought that it couldn't get any fancier, the minute you stepped out of the elevator, you were amazed at the decor and the fact that there was only one door made it even grander. Taking out the key Lucas gave you, you were actually hoping that it wasn't the correct one and Lucas just sent you the wrong address but as it turns out, the key fits and you took a deep breath, walking into the room.

But on Lucas' side, he actually didn't receive your text message. So, the second he heard someone coming into his suite, he was already reaching for his gun because he wasn't really expecting anyone to come. But as soon as he heard your signature nervous voice, he felt relieved but worried at the same time. Did something happen to you?

"Lucas? Ar-are you in here? The people at the front desk just directed me here. I uh sent you a text" you called out

"I'm here sweetheart. Now, what brings you here at this late hour? Is there anyone I should be concern with?" Lucas stated, coming out of his bedroom

"Huh? Wow. I mean, no. Sorry, it's my first time here. I uh, I was just wondering if I could stay for the night. The dorm was so loud that I couldn't study nor sleep" you admitted, trying to avoid eye contact with Lucas, thinking that it was a lame excuse to come over

"Of course you can. I gave you the spare key for a reason, didn't I? Uh, sorry about the mess and all. I didn't expect you to come. I didn't receive any messages. C'mere sweetheart" Lucas mentioned, giving a hand motion for you to go to him

"Really?! I could've sworn I...(looks at your phone) I forgot to click the send button" you sighed, hitting your head as you went over to Lucas

"Hey, hey. Don't do that. You'll hurt your brain even more. No harm sweetheart. My place is yours. Come. I'll order some McDonalds as well if you'd like" Lucas cooed, bringing you into his office

"Damn. Two desktops?! Bro and this processor is the latest one?!" you commented, placing your bag down and immediately inspecting his desk

"Sometimes I play some games with the guys. Feel free to use it if you'd like. Lemon tea or coke?" Lucas asked, scrolling through his phone

"Lemon tea, no ice. It's worth the money better. Are you sure I can study here? Am I not disturbing you?" you questioned, sitting on the chair

"Not at all, sweetheart. It's almost 10pm. I'm done with work. You're free to use my computer. I've ordered your favourites already. I'm going to go for a shower for a bit. Feel free to turn on some music as well, alright? And please don't study for too long. I worry you'll hurt that gorgeous head of yours" Lucas chuckled, kissing your forehead before leaving you in his study room

After settling, putting on some music with your account (which was already in Lucas' Spotify), you grabbed your books and stationery then started to study for your finals. In the midst of it, you heard Lucas coming in with McDonalds; wearing a plain T-shirt and sweats.

Because there was only one chair in his office, with your consent, Lucas placed you on his lap as he was feeding you McDonalds whilst scrolling through his phone, occasionally leaning his head on your back as he does so.

After finishing the food, Lucas was about to get up and cleaned up so you could study a bit better since he knew you didn't like a messy space but when he felt your head slightly leaning backwards, he questioned whether you were already sleepy or not.

"What's wrong love? Tired?" Lucas murmured as he placed his chin on your neck, wrapping his long arms around your waist

"Huh? Oh? Sorry. I didn't realise I was leaning back" you yawned, scrubbing your eyes but Lucas stopped the motion

"Don't. Your eyes will get irritated. I think it's about time you sleep, hmm?" Lucas commented, tucking a hair behind your ear as he kissed the side of your cheek

"Hmm. I guess so" you sighed, leaning onto Lucas's chest

"Alright princess, let me just shut everything off. Kay, let's go to bed" Lucas chuckled, carrying your small figure in his arms and tucking you into his bed before going to the other side of the bed

The next morning, you were woken up by the sound of your phone's alarm but just stayed in bed whilst scrolling through your phone until you realised that you had exams that starts in 45 minutes. Immediately, you got up and went back to the study room to grab your clothes, without even calling out to Lucas and head to the bathroom to get ready.

After getting ready, you were so ready to rush out the door and call a cab until Lucas finally called out to you. Once you told him that your exam was starting in literally 15 minutes, he just chuckled and told you that he'll drive you there; which was a first since all this time, you guys just have dates near your campus since your dorm had strict rules and Lucas would just walk you there (A/N: how you guys met is a story for next time, lol).

After packing some food for you, Lucas grabbed his car keys in one hand and your hand in the other, making your way down to the parking lot where your jaw also almost dropped again since the car Lucas owned is probably enough to pay your whole entire undergraduate life.

Whilst in the car, Lucas told you to eat so you wouldn't be hungry during the exam. He also mentioned that he'll come to pick you up to celebrate finishing your finals since he knew that you've been stressing over this last final for weeks; saying that he'll treat you out.

Once you've arrived, Lucas pulled you to give a slight peck on your forehead, encouraging you to do well in your finals and that he'll see you right after you're done. You smiled and thank him. Getting out of the car, you saw nearly the whole campus that was by the front gate staring at you; even your friends were stunned before rushing to you, managing to get a glimpse at Lucas who just smiled before leaving.

"Gurl!! I knew your boyfriend was hot, but well off? You definitely hit the jackpot!!" one of your friends blurted

"Sis!! Can we save the conversation for later? I need to get this exam over with first" you bargained

"Okay, okay, good luck with your exams!! I'll see you later!!" your friend exclaimed as you went to your exam hall

Thankfully, the exam wasn't as hard as you'd thought. You didn't know if it's because Lucas actually helped you study since he actually knew the subject or something else but you were glad to finally be done with it. After the exam, you got a text from Lucas, saying that he'll be running a bit late which you didn't mind. Your friend, who was also done with her exam, came to your exam hall and didn't spare a second before plastering with all sorts of questions.

Asking you where you've been the night before since you weren't at your dorm; and when you told her you were at Lucas' place, she squealed, asking if you guys did anything spicy which you immediately cut her off, saying that you just went there to study because the rooms near yours were getting too loud and rowdy.

You also explained how kind and caring Lucas was; despite the amount of work he had to deal with, he was still soft when it came to you. Ordering your favourites from McDonalds, letting you just barged into his apartment whenever and even using whatever he had; hearing this, all your friend can do was just squeal, saying that Lucas was the perfect boyfriend.

And right on cue, Lucas texted you saying that he's almost at the front gate. Your friend saw your smile and teased the heck out of you before letting you off just because she supported your relationship; knowing that you had a rough past and it was nice to finally see you happy with someone; someone that genuinely cares about you.

But of course, life ain't that easy. Because just as you were skidding along the halls to the front gate, you accidentally bumped into someone and dropped your phone. You immediately apologised about to get your phone when the person you bumped into stepped on your phone. Looking up, you met with the campus' miss popular with her boyfriend.

"Can you please let go. I really have to go now" you sighed, looking up

"Can't your boyfriend get you another one? Oh wait, is he the one that you're meeting? Honestly, I dunno what he sees in you. Oh wait, I think I do. He's probably just in it to play around or probably did it because of a bet" the girl scoffed but you were just not having it and shoved her feet off, nearly falling if it weren't for her boyfriend being there

After getting your phone, you were about to make a run for it before she grabbed your hair, pulling you back and making you fall; calling you names and all. When you got back to your feet again, she nearly slapped you when you got ahold of her hand about to push her back when her boyfriend came and took your hand, twisting it behind your back, allowing an opening for her to get a good punch out of you.

It felt like forever since you were trapped between the two "bullies" of your campus and for Lucas, it meant something was wrong. It's been almost 30 minutes since he arrived and called you but there was no answer at all. Frustrated, he called Winwin to track your phone as he went in to find you; thinking that you were held captive by one of NCT's enemy.

When he did see you, he felt a slight relief that it wasn't one of NCT's enemy but he was still very much pissed at the sight. When the girl was about to hit you for like the 15th time, Lucas grabbed ahold of her arm, throwing her to the floor before looking at her boyfriend who turns out to be one of the bartenders in one of NCT's bars.

"B-boss..." the man stammered, letting go of your hand as you almost dropped if it weren't for Lucas catching you

"You better come to work tonight. We'll have a lil discussion about respect? Hmm? Make sure everyone comes. Or I'll just have to report Taeyong about this" Lucas growled, making the man cowered in fear

"N-no sir. Everyone will come tonight" the man stuttered as Lucas stood up, holding your figure firmly in his arms

"Good. Wouldn't want to make a big deal out of this hmm? Oh, and do bring your girlfriend while I take mine to treat the wounds you both caused" Lucas scoffed, bringing you out of the campus

Once you've reached his car, he gently placed you and put your seatbelt on before going to the driver's seat. Once he was in, he called Kun, telling him what happened and that he's planning to have a meeting later tonight in the bar. After the call, Lucas took your hand in his, stroking your knuckles as he drove back to his apartment.

Upon arriving, he helped you get out of the car and into his apartment. Inside, he brought you to his room before going to the bathroom and grabbing some medicine for your bruised face and cut on the lips. Lucas treated all your wounds as gently as possible, worrying that he might accidentally hurt you, treating you as if you're as fragile as an egg.

After he was done, he threw all the cotton buds and ordered some food for the both of you; knowing that you will tell him whenever you're ready. He put his hoodie onto you before bringing you to the living room to cuddle and just watch the whole day. Occasionally, food will come and it was all from your favourite restaurants.

After the next 5th Disney movie ended, you told Lucas that you wanted to take a shower and he told you that you can borrow any of his clothes. He even said that he'll run you a bath but you told him that you were just going to take a light shower which Lucas didn't mind. Whilst you were showering, Lucas prepared a T-shirt and shorts along with the hoodie you were just wearing.

After your shower and putting on the clothes Lucas prepared, Lucas came and redid the medicine on your wounds before going back to watching some heart-warming movies on the bed. Feeling better, you decided to tell Lucas what happened and whilst it seemed that he was calm, his mind was off wondering the endless possibilities of teaching the two that harm you; whether it'd be physically or mentally.

Either way, Lucas listened to all your rambles, wrapping his arm around your shoulder, leaning you onto his chest, giving kisses on your forehead, cheeks and occasionally your neck, chuckling when he saw you flustered; basically making you 10x better, treating you like a queen up until you fell asleep.

When you did fall asleep, he gently tucked you into bed, kissing your forehead, smiling at your sleeping figure before leaving the room to the bar where he was more than ready to make the two-person harmed you suffer; not forgetting to ask Hendery and Yangyang to come over to watch over you.

"Sleep tight sweetheart. I'll be back before you know it, alright? No one treats my queen like trash and gets away with it" Lucas mumbled, kissing your forehead as he left as quietly as possible

and let's just say that everyone in the bar that night experienced a side of Lucas that no one would like to see or hear ever again.

"Try and lay a finger on her again, I won't be so nice next time" Lucas scoffed, seeing all the staff looked down, especially the two-person who hurt you

A/N: I hope that this was alright but yea, this fanfic has been stuck in my head for days

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kyrievali · 4 years

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I've been reading your posts and in one of them you mentioned that Iroh in fact is very shady and Azula has every right to hate him, may you explain why?

Sure, I’ll go into it.

Let me start off by saying that I actually really like Iroh as a character. I think he’s great and well-written. I think the fandom tends to gloss over his flaws and label him as “perfect”, which is not true. One of his greatest failings (aside from making two teenage siblings fight each other for the throne...or really not intervening at all where Ozai is concerned) is his treatment of Azula, and him saying “No, she’s crazy and needs to go down” and essentially writing her off when, if you compare Azula’s personality with Season 1 Zuko, they’re really not all that different. Azula, people tend to forget, is a 14 year old girl who was as much a subject of abuse as her brother. Zuko and Azula were essentially pitted against one another to both gain Ozai’s affection and, more importantly, avoid punishment. The only difference is that she was rewarded and praised by Ozai for her power and cruelty, while Zuko was punished for his “shortcomings”. Zuko’s entire storyline proved how important it is to have a good, guiding parental figure in one’s life, and it’s tragic that Azula didn’t have that.

Now, let’s talk about why Azula probably hated her Uncle.

1. She thinks he’s a failure and, worse than that, weak

And I don’t mean weakness in terms of his firebending skills. Let me explain - Fire Nation citizens are ingrained with Nationalistic pride and complete loyalty to the Fire Lord from a very young age. Iroh, once upon a time, was the heir to the Fire Nation’s throne and the favored son of the notoriously cruel Azulon. He laid a 600 day siege against Ba Sing Se during which his son, Lu Ten, was killed. This tragic event caused him to withdraw his troops, despite having breached the outer wall.

Upon his return home, his father dies under mysterious circumstances and decrees that Ozai will be the heir to the throne. Instead of contesting it, Iroh leaves the Fire Nation and ostensibly spends his time traveling the world, meeting with the Dragons, and getting in tune with the Spirit World. Doing so gives him the knowledge and wisdom to see the error of his ways, at which point he returns to the Fire Nation and serves as a General in the army.

Let’s look at this from the perspective of Azula, or really any other citizen of the Fire Nation. Their country waged a nearly 2-year long siege against the Earth Kingdom - and right when they make progress by breaking through the first wall, the Crown Prince gives up because his son died. Countless Fire Nation lives and resources were spent on this 600 day campaign, and they end up with nothing to show for it. If you look at the philosophy of Sozin, Azulon, and Ozai, they likely would have used the death of Lu Ten to galvanize the troops and double their efforts, in an attempt to exact revenge against the Earth Kingdom for daring to spill royal blood - and so that their sacrifices thus far would not have been in vain.

And then, not only does Iroh withdraw from Ba Sing Se, he also abandons his duties and his country completely. Iroh had a reputation as a fearsome Firebender and cunning strategist - and he just leaves. So now not only is he a failure, but he’s also a deserter, one who abandons his nation while it’s reeling from a humiliating defeat and the loss of its Sovereign, Azulon (who, by the way, ruled for about 80 years).

In Azula’s eyes, all of this amounts to weakness, and as we all know from how she was raised by Ozai, weakness is unacceptable.

2. She is parroting her father’s feelings of resentment

Given that Azula was the favored child of Ozai, it’s likely that she idolized her father and thought he was superior to her uncle, the Crown Prince (for the first few years of her life, at least, Iroh WAS the Crown Prince) and should have been the true heir to Azulon. We don’t see a whole lot of Ozai or his backstory/characterization, but it’s not unreasonable to assume that he, being many years younger than Iroh (it’s never officially stated, but Ozai is around 45 at the time of the show and Iroh appears to be in his late 60’s/early 70’s) had an inferiority complex growing up, and probably some form of sibling rivalry. After all, Iroh is already an adult by the time Ozai is born, and the Crown Prince, who has been groomed from birth to be Azulon’s heir. Ozai is an afterthought; an insurance policy, who at the very moment of Lu Ten’s birth, is outranked by an infant.

Ozai probably resented Iroh his entire life, so it is not unlikely that Azula would probably feel the same way.

3. He’s a traitor to the Fire Nation

Azula is a Nationalist and Ozai’s most loyal enforcer. Iroh’s a traitor, and as far as she knows, a corrupting influence to her brother, Zuko. She also probably thinks that he’s committing treason because (she doesn’t know any better) Iroh wants to be the rightful Fire Lord, and she is not going to stand for that.

4. He reminds her of her mother

Azula is used to being the golden child - a prodigious Firebender, the favored daughter of her father, representative of everything the model Fire Nation child should be. And yet, her own mother does not appear to love her. Her Uncle has stated distaste for her. She thinks she’s doing everything right - because according to Sozin and Ozai’s philosophies and the emphasis of power and loyalty to the Fire Nation - she is; so why do two of her own family members prefer Zuko, the “screw-up” of the family - to her?

It’s clear that Azula craves the love and adoration of others, but she doesn’t really understand it. I think as she grew older and saw more of the world and how people behaved toward her, she understood on some level that she was considered a “monster” and that people were afraid of her; but that’s how she was raised. Fear was power, and power was everything. And growing up, she was only ever positively reinforced for her ruthlessness and cunning by her father (of whom she is very much afraid, by the way...that is made perfectly clear in her attempts to bring Zuko home and also give him credit for allegedly killing the Avatar. Part of it is actually probably due to some level of affection she has for him, but part of it is definitely motivated by having someone else take the heat off of her in an abusive household) and she witnessed firsthand how perceived weakness was punished - so she did everything she could to achieve the ideal of perfection that Ozai, Azulon, and Sozin had proliferated. So she probably never really understood why her own mother and Iroh didn’t like her. And the fact that they both seemed to prefer Zuko, who she’s been taught to think she’s better than, would only further that resentment.

She thinks she can earn people’s affection by being a perfect Fire Nation soldier, because that’s what works with her father - and when it doesn’t work with Ursa or Iroh, two important adult family figures in her life - she doesn’t understand why and, even worse than that, it makes her feel inferior to Zuko.

5. My final point is purely speculative, but...He didn’t do anything to directly stop Ozai’s rise to power

In the years after the war, after recovering from her mental break and maybe rehabilitating to become an advisor to Zuko (let’s be totally honest, a Nation whose entire economy for the past 100 years has been built on war and imperialization is not going to have an easy transition into peace, especially when they are expected to give up their colonies and play nice with an equally corrupt government that was controlled by the Secret Police force which has no qualms about brainwashing its own citizens...also the new Fire Lord is a banished Prince who is the apprentice of the Disgraced Prince and who returned to defeat the pride of the Nation, Princess Azula, Ozai’s Chosen Heir and the Conqueror of Ba Sing Se), Azula’s going to be pretty pissed that her supposedly wise and worldly uncle did not intervene in her megalomaniacal and abusive father’s rise to power.

If my uncle, who never liked me, lost countless Fire Nation lives and resources in a battle that ended with him retreating, abandoned the Crown to go on a sightseeing tour of the world, returned and became a traitor to the nation by foiling the Admiral’s conquest of the Northern Water Tribe resulting in the loss of more Fire Nation lives, escaped from you multiple times and went on to become a tourist and small business owner in an enemy nation, turned your brother against you, did nothing to stop his own brother whom he knew was deeply abusive even after he came back after gaining all this supposed wisdom, and THEN also left you alone with your abusive father while taking your inferior brother under his wing and helping him become an extremely powerful bender who eventually defeats you with the help of a Water Tribe peasant...yeah, I’d be pretty pissed at him, too.

To be fair, she probably never would have willingly gone with them because they were basically just sent on a wild goose chase at that point...but he never even tried to help her.

Anyway, that’s why I think Azula hates Iroh and honestly, she has every right to hate him. He abandoned her Nation and wrote her off completely, so there’s no reason she wouldn’t do the same.

#a:tla #avatar #azula #iroh #a:tla analysis #anon answers #i actually do like iroh btw #i just don't think he's perfect #and don't give me that he's perfect because he's imperfect crap #he's predominantly portrayed as wise #so when he says Azula is crazy and needs to go down #all the fans think that too #and it's sad because azula doesn't get any love #not even from her mother whoops

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dragynkeep · 3 years

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Irish-American musician speaking. I just want to say a couple of things (a) i appreciate that other people are at least willing to criticise Jeff (even though i don’t agree that he was copying “ethnic” styles of music because that’s just bullshit and he was just going for a specific feeling, because that’s how music works) and (b) i really appreciate that this blog takes James' character seriously and not whatever the fecking hell the writers think they've done.

i did want to say that i'm really upset about it as a person with an autistic specturm disorder. i doubt the writers (bless their hearts) realised it, but the semblance they gave James is one of the hallmark signs of ASDs, especially in adults and young people. given the way they've always written him until the end of season seven, i really related to him and his struggles for a variety of reasons. i could get just as angry about the way they've portrayed military service (my dad is a similar ranking to the character and has been through some shit) especially given that a lot of people in my family have or are serving, but i get the sense that everyone sees how problematic that demonstration is. the former is a lot more subtle, and it honestly upsets me more.

and then there's all the bullshit surrounding Penny (they should have just left her dead or given Winter the powers to begin with for fuck's sake). firstly, i'm just going to come out and say that i've hated the way they've used vocal music to bash us over the heads with messages the last few volumes. Cinder's TWO (whyyyyyyy) songs in just that one episode this volume were basically narrating what was on screen which took away from the moments and the second one during her fight with her mentor was just plain bad. i thought those two were the worst we were going to get but apparently i was wrong and we get whatever the hell "Friend" is. (although i will say i bet the only reason they threw in that second song for Cinder was because Casey just had to get publicity for her shitty band). but look. i'm lgbtqia myself and it really (especially considering Penny and Ruby's intereactions) felt like queerbaiting/bury your gays but i'll set that aside. making Penny human (a) took away the only unique/interesting thing left about her character and (b) her death was essentially a glorifying suicide "for the greater good" which really slaps in the face of people who have honestly suffered from depression and suicide.

this isn't the first time that they've shyed away from trying to explore serious subjects, but it is particuarly gross because of the song. an earlier example of them doing this is with regard to "the path to isolation" when Casey felt the need to say Weiss has never cut and that she wouldn't do that. while that was (to say the very least) a bit uncomfortable for her to just drop that, it sounded like she just wanted to avoid talking about the subject because it's too dark. i have a lot of problems with Casey and her actions over the years, but i think it's important to note that SHE WROTE PENNY'S SONG. she is the one responsible for this, and she keeps talking about how great it is and how "humbling" the experience was. bitch no. you can't just take only praise and get mad about critisicism to the point where you basically recieve none anymore.

besides, Casey is pretty hard to understand because she STILL doesn't enucniate much when she sings so if she and her dad are going to keep being basically worshipped hand and foot by people while recieving no criticism even where it is due, then they shouldn't be in this or music. part of being a musician is that you SHOULD be critiqued by your peers and even by just casual listeners but that doesn't happen and they (but especially her) don't improve. by no means do i think Casey and Jeff are the worst of CRWBY, but they are part of the problems with tone in the storytelling and they should be critiscised for it more.

oh god this is a long ask & it’s like a month late, please forgive me.

yeah, my issue with the whole jeff issue was never that he was “copying” ethnic music, though there is a discussion to be had when that music comes from closed off cultures like my own & others & how that should be respected, but that this vague claim by someone who’s lied to push their headcanons before was using it to claim ruby & summer were romani coded when there has been anti gypsyism sentiment in crwby before via arryn’s sexualization of us. i simply don’t trust these white americans to write any gypsy ethnic groups’ stories with any sense of respectability & it was on a baseless headcanon anyways so. that frustration was easy enough to let die down.

i also have a lot of issues with how ironwood was treated, especially as a disabled person & some of the fndm’s insistence to treat this fictional military as a 1 to 1 representation of the flawed militaries in our world is just utterly frustrating. especially when they use that to justify theirs & crwby’s ableism towards one of the few disabled characters we had on screen. i don’t have a place to speak on any autistic representation or harm from ironwood or his semblance because i’m not autistic but i am sorry that you were harmed & upset by this portrayal of a semblance that isn’t even canon, because it features nowhere in the text explicitly. hell, ironwood’s va had to be told what his semblance was from a fan. all this harm & hurt & it’s for something that isn’t even featured in the story. ridiculous.

i’m really trying not to waffle on in this ask because it is so long already but yes yes yes. i agree with you completely, the way that songs are crafted for this world & featured into it most of the time doesn’t fit with what we’re shown on screen. weiss’s songs feature a patriarchy & go over the same arc like five times, as well as those lines alluding to self harm. jeff & casey can cry that they didn’t mean it that way but there are certain themes brought to mind with certain wordings & you have to be mindful of this when you write them; we had this same issue with people believing mercury was sexually abused by marcus because “i’m the one” featured the word defiled, which is most used in a sexual context. when we come to learn that it meant his soul was ruined by his father stealing his semblance, that still didn’t erase the sexual allegory & jeff should have been mindful of those types of themes when he’s writing these songs. often times it feels like the songs & the show are giving us two different stories & both give off different meanings & themes.

not being able to take criticism seems like a common theme in crwby, self admittedly from miles himself who said he “wants” to take criticism but doesn’t like it when “it’s done in a mean way.” that criticism has to be fair & nice, which is a solid sentiment, no one’s going to listen if you’re being an asshole but here’s the rub. nothing is ever nice or fair enough for them. they always find a way to turn even the most innocent of criticisms or questions into a personal attack & it’s pathetic. jeff & casey aren’t exempt from this. like you said, part of being a musician is criticism from your peers & much like you don’t need to be a chef to tell if there’s dogshit on your plate, you don’t need to be a writer or a rock star to tell when a story isn’t making sense or a song isn’t good.

& for fucks sake, i’m with you on them needing to enunciate better. i’m hoh, please jeff & casey, it’s hard enough for me to try & listen to songs that i want to enjoy without having to wonder what word you’re mumbling for this third rhyme in bad luck charm. fuck that song’s rhymes.

#rwby #rwde #owl.txt #answered #q #long post /#im so sorry it took me this long lmao #Anonymous

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chrospw-doodles · 3 years

Text

When the Ink doesn’t flow

So... for starters this is a rant I wrote somewhere between september and november of 2020, it was intended to be posted in my main blog @chrispriceway back then, but I decided to put this here to avoid being too too personal there, I mean it is supposed to be a happy place to goof around and show you cool stuff, that’s why I made this side blog, to be more personal and less awkard so, yeh.

Chris-Jan.2021

What's up everybody, I know I haven't posted anything in a while and I wanted to adress my abcense and some other stuff that I wanted to talk about but never knew how to bring it up.

So, to those who follow me and dont really know who am I as a content creator:

hi, the name is Christian, you can call me Chris, I'm somewhat of an artist and like to post my stuff here.

Now, even if you have been following me for a while you may have noticed that I really don't post very often and that I haven't been around for a while even if I claim that I'm trying to be more active, well I think it's about time to talk about the issue and make some big changes around here.

But first of all, why does it even matter?

Well, to be honest the past three to four years I haven't really seen my online connection as serious business since I am primarly a student, and school does suck all of my time, the problem with that is that I really feel like I havent been respectful to you, the audience, not that I owe you anything but since I am now trying to make a living from my art, it is necessary to take this connection between the audience seriously and with a bit more respect.

In those three years all I've ever did was too much talk and too little deliver, so I apologize to those people who were really invested into the stuff I do, I really appreciate you guys.

So with that aside...

I wanted to talk about mental health.

well MY mental health

I know what you may be thinking, "what the heck Chris? What does this have to do with you being a lazy ass biss?"

Well, it's kinda simple as it is complicated so I will be putting here some bullets to make it easier to you to navigate through and to let you know how long it is going to be to those who really really just want to skip this post already

Introduction

Danplan Drama

College is a biss

When job becomes priority over school

How did all of this affect my mental state

And how I feel about it

Final thoughts

I'm not okay

Well, was, not anymore (mostly), or at least not as serious as I was some monts ago. Listen, shit went down, it's 2020 and that was inevitable, but I really want to go trough some points to give you context.

This year has been specially rough to me because of some circumstances that a few may know, but for context I'll be telling you about it.

The danplan shit did a lotta damage my bros

Ah, yes, long story short, I was an animator in that channel before the figgin drama

But it wasnt really that bad, you see, I really think that it was inevitable that it was going to end like that because of how are those two, but at the time I had to shut a lot of stuff because I didn't wanted to make it worse as the other animators did... but in retrospective, If we had talked about how we felt about the issue in that moment maybe it could have been better, or maybe not, I don't know and maybe I'll post a rant about it some other time (or maybe I wont), the point. is.

It was emotionally taxing, and to be honest it screwed me very bad. You see, I know I am not that good of an artist in comparisson to the others, nor have the best management of my social media, or another project to keep me on the public eye for a while, and since I went back to school I couldnt possible be hired by another channel because of my lack of time; so loosing my job at danplan was a HUGE deal to me because I knew that none of the jobs available in my country could pay off as good nor be as flexible as being an animator was, so that whole ordeal was really, really frustrating.

Then school became a living hell

Since I escentially lost that job I did try desperately to find anything as good to fill the void (it sounds dramatic but believe me, it felt really bad fam.) So the opportunity presented itself and I took a bone in stephen's channel.

In all honesty it was a good job and it was quite fun, but I didn't really stayed as a full time animator, I believe it was due lack of time or maybe my style wasn't really what they were going for, and tbh fair game... but it was still bad news for me because I was that desperate to find a new job, and I was so inmersed on doing that so I wasn't taking good care of my grades.

So now I had two problems, no job, and I was doing terrible on school because of my obsession with the job hunting.

And at the time I was still part of the community...

I was very active in the dp community and in Pau's server, I found great people and did some art because I really felt happy about it...

But honestly, that didn't last long.

School started to be a real problem and I did fail two of my school subjects, at the end of the semester I was burned out, and sleep deprived, so there was that.

One of my finals was a video talking about the drama and stuff and I've never finished it because I ran out of time and eventually I didn't felt it right abaut it, because it was like opening a grave again, like it was something too disrespectful even if it was originally intended for the sake of the animators, to give them, us, some justice at the end of the day... but I couldn't do it. It wasn't fair to everyone else because they moved on.

And that was the beginning of this crappy thing I've been carrying around.

I just. Can't. Finish. Anything.

I just overthink everything and fail before I begin any of the pieces, or Im about to finish but change my mind because Its. Not. Good. Enough.

I have a TON of pieces that never saw the light of the day BECAUSE I'm not in the right state of mind, and it is painful, because I love doing art as much as I love engaging with you guys, even if you are a few to maybe 10 people, I enjoy it. And It sucks to not be able to do stuff because I feel crappy.

And I know for fact that feeling crappy it's a crappy excuse to not do anything

But I don't mean that to anyone else but myself, because I feel like I could be better and do better, but... it isn't working, the global situation did some damage too, and I've been manageing, still, I haven't been able to finish a lot of stuff and honestly, I just want to come back before I become a ghost account.

So what's up? What's poppin'?

The plan is to try to force myself to finish at least one piece per week to keep this alive until I find the will to work normally again.

Maybe it's not the best solution, but I think this will motivate me a little since I really want to materialize some projects that I have had on the back of my head for a long time now, and I really want to start em' and share it with you along the way... so yeah, that's basically it.

Well, that was a long one, and if you happened read this far, thank you, I really appreciate it.

I hope I will be seeing you soon...

Stay creative, my dudes.

#lets talk #heart to heart #danplan #I know I shouldnt bring the tag on butim talking about it anyway so whatever #Chris from 2021 signing in again #So I'll keep the tags as before because NOBODY visits the dp tumblr section anymore #xD #and I know #it's been a year from the drama so that's why I edited some parts that I wrote while I was salty #now I do not hve intentions on doing anything about it so #yeh #I keep forgetring that I cant use punctuation signs in the tags #damn XD

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xxisxxisxxis · 4 years

Text

Gateway Drug | Part Forty-Nine

Table of Content or Part Forty-Eight

Wattpad

Word count: 3.9K

Warning(s): Explicit language, mentions of Drug abuse

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Vanity: something that is vain, empty, or valueless.

I watch with my water in hand as Vanity and Tansy dance like wasted strippers on the bar...granted they are wasted.

Sparkie and Nikki are in the bathroom, Vince is occupied with a bundle of groupies who waved him over, we're still waiting for Tommy to get here since it was date night with Heather but he still wanted to come out, so I'm sitting in silence with Mick and giving glances at anyone that looks like they may be interested in approaching me because I don't necessarily want to speak to anyone right now.

"So..." I start, finishing me water. "...How've you been?"

Mick takes a sip of his drink and nods a little bit.

"Not too bad." He tells me. "What about you? Did you and asshole work your shit out?" He asks and I scoff.

"Yeah." I tell him, smiling a little. "We're good."

I honestly believed we were at that moment. Stupid of me.

"Good." He replies.

Nikki, Tommy and Sparkie all show up simultaneously, Nikki and Sparkie heavily under the influence of more tha just alcohol.

"Hey, man." Nikki smiles to Tommy, patting him on the back. "Haven't seen you since the wedding...over two months ago." His dimpled smile is a nice cover up to to underlying anger and bitterness woven into his words.

Tommy has been nearly disconnected from everyone since Heather and he got married.

I'm glad they're getting along that well, but life doesn't revolve around one person.

Even my codependent ass can leave Nikki to spend time with my other friends, and vice versa.

"Oh, yeah, dude, we've been really busy." Tommy tells him as they sit by Mick and I. "We just bought a new house and she's had some time off so we've been just enjoying it before she starts on a new project and the album gets going for us." He explains.

"Nah, I get it." Nikki scoffs, glancing at me. "Being married changes shit around."

"That's why I'm not marrying Tansy." Sparkie says out of nowhere, looking at the blonde as she and Vanity are a compiled of booze and giggles, nearly tripping and falling off the bar in their heels.

"Just depends on the person, I guess. I like being married." Tommy shrugs. "I'm about to grab a drink. Mick, you want another?" He gets up from his seat, motioning to the empty glass of vodka Mick's finished.

"Sure." Mick tells him.

"Get Saint Vivian another water while you're at it." Sparkie tells him, his tone a degrading scrape at me for not drinking, and the look he gives me stamps the confirmation of his aggravating attempt to rile me up some.

Nikki shoots him an unamused glare and I can practically see him cowering back into his shell out of fear of pissing Nikki off.

My ego gets a pat on the head.

He might have worn more makeup than me at times, been spazzing on coke one minute and nodding off on smack the next, but he could still kick ass up one end and down the other over me.

Tommy comes back with drinks for him and Mick, bringing Vanity and Tansy back with him.

The two girls sit down, hand in hand, whispering and laughing among themselves as they try to catch their breath.

"Where'd Vince go?" Tansy asks us, running a hand through her platinum hair and Vanity looks around.

"Oh, he's socializing." Vanity lets out and Tansy glances over in her line of sight to see Vince making out with a tan blonde in a mini skirt.

Before Tansy can say anything else, Vanity's reaching across the little cocktail table with a beaming smile directed at Tommy.

"Hi, I'm Vanity." She pipes and Tommy looks as if he knows who she is, but is still confused as to why she's hanging out with us.

"Tommy." He replies, shaking her hand.

"I'm Tansalyn's and Nikki's friend." She adds for explanation and he raises his brows a little, quickly shifting his eyes to Nikki, whose expression I can't quiet read...he looks kind of nervous.

"Yeah, I've seen you on T.V. some." Tommy strikes up conversation with her and she just glows at the fact she's well-known. "And a few magazines." He adds.

"I've done several differing magazine issues." She informs in, nodding.

"Everything from fashion to Playboy." Tansy cuts in, grinning a little.

"So, that's how you two met?" I ask.

"Well, not exactly." Vanity explains. "We knew some people, who knew some people, who knew some people, who thought we'd be great friends and got us together and..." Her beautiful brown eyes catch on Nikki, who's nervousness seems more apparent, despite his neutral expression as he watches her. "...we just clicked from the beginning." She says softly, blinking at him before she quickly averts her attention back at Tansy, her hand squeezing at her's affectionately. "And have been great ever since." She adds.

"Agreed." Tansy nods, smiling at her.

"I need another drink." Nikki mumbles standing up.

"Can you get me some more water, please?" I ask him and he nods, stepping to the bar.

"Why's he so tense?" Tommy asks once he's out of earshot.

"Must be the blow." Sparkie suggests with a shrug. "He spent good money on it and it wasn't worth a damn."

I take it without question.

Vince is stepping to us before long, lip stick smudged on his lips as he tries to wipe it off before going home to his wife and child.

I just give him a ball busting look and he raises his brows.

"Go ahead and say it, Viv." He tells me, sighing.

"Swine." He and I say at the same time, except he's being a smart ass and I'm being serious.

"So, how did you and Nikki meet, exactly?" Vanity asks me out of nowhere and my water glass is merely slammed down in front of me, causing the liquid to slosh out a little, and causing me to jump out of my skin, as Nikki sits back down beside me with an entire bottle of Jack.

He's giving Vanity a surly look and she doesn't even flinch, her curious expression focused on me.

"Tommy introduced us." Nikki shortly states before I can explain it myself.

"Well, that's not just what happened, Nikki, I mean, you two are married aren't you?" She argues politely to him. "I want the whole story."

"Tommy introduced us, dated a couple years, engaged, married, here we are." Nikki, again, interrupts me.

"Baby, it's not that big of a deal." I mumble to him, wondering why he's being rude to her.

"Yeah, baby, it's not that big of a deal." She repeats me, and I can't tell if she's mocking me or just being flirtatious with the way she says "baby."

He rolls his eyes, irritated.

Vince seems to be studying Nikki as Vanity and Tansy change the subject to the album.

I don't listen very much, neither does Nikki, apparently, because it takes Tommy repeating his name three times, and me nudging his leg with mine to get his attention.

"Yeah?" He asks Tommy and Tansy and Vanity let out some more cocktail induced laughter as his lack of enthusiasm.

"Tansy was just talkin' to you." He tells him.

"Oh, what Tans?" Nikki asks, sighing out a little.

"I was just wondering if you've gotten any songs up yet for the album?"

"No? Why would I? There's not even a concept." He states, borderline abrasive.

"You had some songs for 'Theater of Pain' written before the concept was decided on." I remind him and he just let's out a breath.

"Well, there goes that conversation." Tansy exhales, playing it off like Nikki didn't hurt her feelings.

Vince is now giving the slightest hint of a smirk to Nikki before it suddenly disappears from his lips and he's excusing himself to go get a beer.

Game recognizes game. And Vince--being the cheating bastard he was--had sat there and put together what he needed to in order to figure out Nikki either fucked Vanity, was fucking her, or planned on fucking her until further notice. The answer was all three. And he made no attempt to tell me...not even when Nikki later told him and confirmed it.

"We're still working on figuring everything out, Tans." Tommy tells her in a more polite way than Nikki.

"Like you would know what's going on since you've been up Heather's ass all this time. Literally." Nikki stifles out and I look at him.

"What is wrong, Nikki?" I snap.

He just lets out an exaggerated breath before getting up and heading outside.

"He's always moody." Vanity cuts in, rolling her eyes, lighting a cigarette.

I ignore her and follow after him.

"Nikki." I say, my heels clicking against the wet pavement as fine rain sprinkles down on us.

"What?" He asks, going to where we parked.

"What's wrong with you?" I gently pull at his hand, stopping him.

"Nothing."

"Nikki, c'mon, now, I'm not stupid." I argue, crossing my arms. "You're an asshole but I know when you're an out of character asshole."

He just unlocks his Corvette and slides into the driver seat, shutting the door.

Before he can crank it and get his window rolled up, I'm 'Dukes of Hazzard'-ing his shit and putting my legs through the window, scooting into his lap, my feet in the passenger seat, and he leans his head back and let's out a loud groan of irritation.

I just crank the car for him and roll the window up to avoid getting rained on, before turning the car off and waiting patiently for him to start talking, blinking up at him.

"Alright..." he gives up, rubbing his face before resting his arm behind me on the sill of the window. "...fine." he sighs. "I shoulda gone to the funeral, I guess. And I thought I was ready to go out and see everybody but it just--Vince is being Vince. And Tommy hasn't even acknowledged anybody since he got married. Good for him he's so fucking happy in his relationship he can't even call his best friend every once in a while but whatever. And Vanity--Jesus Christ--Vanity." He grumbles. "Like dragging my balls against shards of fucking glass anytime she opens her mouth."

"Then why're you friends with her?" I ask him, chuckling, and he rubs his lips together, looking at me.

"We're into the same thing." He tells me and I don't have to ask what he means.

"So, she's a drug buddy." I say as his fingers trace along my kneecap.

"Yeah." He replies quietly.

"Well, I think she's nice." I admit and he looks at me crookedly.

"No. You can't be friends with her, Viv." He chuckles with obvious distaste of the idea, and I raise a brow.

"Why not? She seems like a sweet girl."

"As much as I'm a sweet guy." He scoffs out. "People like her aren't good friends to keep."

"Tansy's like her." I argue. "You're like her and we're married."

"I never claimed that Tansy's a good friend or that I'm a good husband, did I?" He asks me in a stern tone, avoiding my gaze.

"Why do you think you're such a bad husband, Nikki?" I furrow my brows.

"I'm not getting in to--"

"'--No, baby, I'm serious. It's like your default when you're high is apologizing to me for being a shitty husband." I point out and he shakes his head a little.

"I just feel like I let you down a lot." He shrugs.

"I'm not perfect, Nikki, I let you down more than you do me." I assure him.

"No..." he looks as if he's thinking about something for a moment. "...you don't. I promise."

I was too caught up in Nikki's mood to notice the hole in the story Tansy had told me of Tommy taking Nikki out for our anniversary. But it was the first red flag that popped up in hindsight while assessing the situation after I found out he was having an affair.

Tansy had told me Tommy was taking Nikki out for our anniversary that year, that was the night me and the guys got locked up for a little bit.

That first night back out with Mötley and Vanity Nikki mentioned not seeing or talking to Tommy since his wedding...over two months prior.

What really happened on our anniversary: Vanity came to our house and was still there when Nikki came to pick me up from jail. Which is why he wasn't too eager for me to go back home with him.

My finger tips lightly brush over the scratch of his unshaven cheek and I give him my best smile, hoping it will cheer him up.

He just keeps his near frown and I decide to do to him what he does to me when he's trying to cheer me up.

My lips press to his cheek softly, then pepper random kisses all over his face until he's smiling, finishing off with one, long, passionate kiss to his lips.

"Okay." I breathe out, about to find a way to get out of his lap so we can go back inside.

He puts his arm across my legs, though and stops me, giving me a devious grin.

"We don't have time." I giggle, squealing a little as his fingers trail up the inside of my leg, going up my skirt as he says:

"There's always time."

Just before he can breach the fabric of my panties, a loud knock on our window has us both jolting.

It's Tommy.

Nikki sighs out cranking the car and rolling the window down.

"The girls are hungry." He explains to us.

"And?" Nikki asks.

"They want food, dude, c'mon." Tommy chuckles, nudging his arm.

"What're you kids up to?" I hear Vince next, and I lean my head back to lay on the open window frame so I can look up to see him and Tommy.

"Guys, let's go!" I hear Sparkie shout from the entrance of the club we were in and me, Vince, Nikki, and even Tommy, all share a collective eyeroll.

I think it's safe to say we simply tolerate the greasy bastard at this point.

"Ignore it, it'll go away." Nikki says, rubbing his eye.

"Guys!" Vanity calls next, the bubbliness of her personality in her tone.

"Why the hell is she so perky?" Vince asks next.

"She's been on a three day bender of base. That's why." Nikki replies flatly, rolling his eyes at the sound of heels coming towards us and my ears perk up, deciding to put the question on the tip of my tongue away for now.

He opens his door and Tommy helps me out of the car, Tansy and Vanity hand in hand.

"We're starving." Tansy tells us.

"The Rainbows's our best bet." Tommy suggests.

"Okay, let's go." Tansy shrugs, pulling gently at Vanity's hand, and Vanity's hand grasps at mine and pulls me along with them as we head to the Rainbow.

I wasn't good at making girl friends. Tansy came into my life before I adapted to mainly being around guys, so it was never hard to form a close friendship with her, but I got along better with men because Tansy, Tommy and Vince were the only people I really ever had relationship with before meeting Nikki, and Mick and my other friends I gained through them.

To this day, my list of close girl friends consists of Tansy, Susan--who I was motivated to get to be friends with because she's the step mother of Monroe, Brittany--who's married to Tommy...and is young enough to be one of mine and Nikki's miscarried children so I view her more like a daughter than a friend--and Sharise and I are still very close, despite her being divorced from Vince for 27 years.

Of course, over the years, I've had to adapt at being friends with everyone's girlfriends and wives until they split.

And most of them were sweet girls, so after a while it got annoying because I'd get attached to them and really like them, and then BAM! Divorce or sudden break up.

I learned not to get too attached to new lovers of any of my male friends. They wouldn't be around for long.

That being said, one of my girl friends, believe it or not, was actually my husband's mistress, for an entire year.

She just had a...er...learning curve, if you will.

I watch as Nikki goes back and forth from our bedroom, to the front door, going outside, coming back inside, and repeating.

"Uh...babe?" I call, raising a brow and he stops by the living room where I'm sitting on the couch in my pajamas, reading "The Art of War" and eating a granola bar.

"Yeah?" He raises his brows.

"Whatcha doin'?" I ask curiously.

"It's been over a month since Tansy was asking about the album concept and I realized I needed to start writing for the album, like, a month ago, so I'm cleaning up my shit in our closet and bedroom and kicking drugs so I can focus." He explains, walking back to our bedroom and I raise my brows, a little surprised.

"Do you wanna read my book?!" I offer.

"Nope, got my own strategy!" He replies.

"But is it on Sun Tsu's level?!"

"I'm getting a dog!" He explains and I furrow my brows, putting my book down and walking to meet him in the bedroom.

"A what?" I cross my arms as he's putting needles and trash into a garbage bag.

"It'll be like having a kid around, so I'll have more incentive--aside from you, and working on the album--not to shoot smack and keep away from blow." He goes on.

"A dog?" I repeat.

"Yep."

"You know if you're serious about kicking it this time, you're gonna have to distance yourself from some of your friends." I remind him. "No more Jason or any other dealers, no more Izzy--"

"--You're friends with Izzy, too." He argues.

"I'm not trying to get off drugs." I tell him. "And Tansy and Vanity."

"Okay, you three have sleepovers like fucking high school girls. How the hell am I suppose to avoid them when they're at my house all the time?"

"Well...Tansy doesn't have a house here in L.A. and Vanity's apartment gives me a God-awful feeling everytime I step foot in there." I inform him.

"Right, and I'm the paranoid one." He mumbles.

"Babe. When you're lying in bed and feel someone get into bed with you and start breathing down your neck, and nobody's freaking in bed with you when you turn to see who it is, you kinda never want to even think about going into the apartment it took place in ever again." I state and he chuckles.

"I would've asked it for a blow job." He comments.

"Nikki, I'm serious."

"I am, too." He defends himself and I give him an unamused look. "Alright, fine, for entertainment sake, let's say she has monsters under her bed. What sense would that make? She's up Jesus' ass as far as you are and I highly doubt dark shit stays around God fanatics." He brushes me off.

"Um, hard, mind altering drugs are a pretty good invitation for quote unquote 'dark shit' to hang around people. It makes it easier to get in their heads, break them down, and try to kill them."

"Kill them?" He tries not to laugh. "Are you on drugs?"

"Nikki, I'm being serious. I'm worried about our friend."

"Which friend? We've got, like, all of them on the highway to hell right now." He scoffs, tying off the full garbage bag.

"She's got a lot of shit she's carrying on her, Nikki, and I'm scared for her. And Tansy can say 'everything's fine' but I know she's got a lot of shit happening behind closed doors that she won't open up about, too."

"Everyone has shit going on behind closed doors, babe. That's life in this business. Smiles and good times out on the town, and demon filled bedrooms when we get back home." He shrugs.

"Is that not sad to you?" I ask and he sighs, stepping to me.

"Just pray about it. Like everything else you worry with." He wraps his arms around me and I roll my eyes, taking it as sarcasm. "Get all quiet and soft sounding so you don't wake me up, and start talking to the ceiling about bullshit that won't matter a month from now..." He grins, pressing a kiss to my neck and I refuse the urge to push him away from me because he's making fun of me. "...and after an hour of wasting your breath, you end it in 'in Jesus' name I pray, amen'. And then I think, 'wow, she's really has me fooled to believe she isn't on something, too'." He laughs out.

"Find it funny all you want. My prayers for your's and everyone else's bullshit doesn't fall on deaf ears or one of you would be dead by now." I state.

He smirks, before a lightbulb goes off in his eyes before walking to the closet.

"I'm glad we're on this topic of conversation because it's great foreplay for this." He pulls out a raunchy mockery of a catholic school girl uniform I completely forgot we had and I cross my arms.

"You don't get to insult my religious beliefs and then turn around and fantasize about a concept attached to a denomination of said religion."

"You can put it on and talk to me about getting on your knees all you want." He keeps his smirk and I grab the uniform off the bed, about to go hide it somewhere else in the house.

"We have plenty of film of me with this on to choose from. There's no need for a live show." I peck him on the lips and walk out of our bedroom with the skimpy clothing.

"I meant getting on your knees to pray!" He tries to tell me to get me to bring the outfit back and I laugh.

He was serious about quitting...but once he started getting dope sick, he got desperate enough to go out in the middle of the night, get the garbage bags full of used cottons and needles, and use the rinses of cotton to ring the smallest fix out of them before getting Jason back over as soon as possible.

And I knew he got back on crack when I came home from seeing Sharise and Skylar, to him and Vanity locked in our bedroom.

When I finally picked the lock, Vanity was having a base fueled arts and crafts session on the bed--wearing my clothes that I'd left in the floor--trying to explain the inspiration of her art was Jesus coming back for the rapture, while Nikki was screaming about his late grandmother, in the closet.

And that's typically what I would walk in on if they were at our house. It always appeared like they were way too far gone in their minds to even think about sex. So I honestly never thought anything about it.

But if there's a will, there's a way, and in the midst of Nikki waving a gun around, screaming, and Vanity laughing like a maniac while plastering glitter, styrofoam peanuts and Nikki's used cottons on a piece of construction paper, the two of them had the will and found a way to kickstart the demise of my already fragile marriage.

They truly were functioning addicts.

#nikki sixx #mötley crüe #nikki sixx x oc #nikki sixx fanfiction #gateway drug

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a-crimson-lion · 5 years

Text

Further Discussion On Katsuki Bakugo

[Original Post Here]

@homez18

...I seem to have stumbled upon a rabbit hole which my hubris continues to lure me towards.

Because I genuinely want to have a discussion over your points (and I don't want to bog down my original post with too many reblogs), I'll move the discussions here.

[This isn't necessarily to flaunt my nonexistent superiority. I honestly think that you have a good argument going for Katsuki. I'm just seeing how my own analysis stacks on top of that. I'm no expert, but I'll give it my best shot. Also, spoilers for anyone else reading.]

Let's start with "I don't think Bakugo overestimates himself." This is an interesting point, which I believe does hold water. When I think about it, I realize that Katsuki actually suffers from a different problem, which I'll get back to later. As for "He's never shown to overestimate himself," that's... not entirely correct. As of late, I can think of at least TWO examples in the series where Katsuki could legitimately be overestimating himself. But first, let's address the basic issue.

9 times out of 10, Katsuki will UNDERESTIMATE his opponents.

This isn't without reason. Katsuki's strong, and he knows it. He's been strong since even before his quirk manifested, at least mentally. When his quirk kicked in, his strengths shifted to primarily physical, though he's still an intelligent person. However, even if he can gauge his own strength, he does an admittably horrible job of gauging others' strengths. Since he's been praised for nigh over a decade for having such a strong quirk, Katsuki's got the idea that he's among the best of the best. He might not be #1 yet, but he knows he's gonna get there eventually. The problem starts when he decides that everyone else is beneath him by default.

Don't tell me he doesn't underestimate others either when he tends to call everyone "extras" or just a crappy nickname (at least until he acknowledges them).

One instance where Katsuki distinctly underestimates his opponent is during the Battle Trial with Izuku. Granted, this is more of a hubris case than anything, considering Katsuki's absolute hatred for Izuku (that later does mellow out into begruding respect). The thing is, Katsuki knows Izuku has a quirk now. He knows his quirk is super strong (it beat his ball throw by 0.1 meters, after all) but there's still a part of Katsuki that believes Izuku is still a bug. He's still a worthless Deku, and to top it all off, Katsuki is convinced that Izuku hid his quirk from him since the start.

While his absurd self-centered persona is not the main focus, one must admit that Katsuki's hubris is a certain level of concerning.

So Izuku and Katsuki have a big showdown, and to Katsuki's surprise, Izuku pulls something else entirely. He manages to wreck the building above them, taking the explosion and allowing his team to pass. Katsuki thinks Izuku is looking down on him, but Izuku simply states that he wouldn't have used his quirk if he could have thought of someone else. And as Izuku collapses and the trial comes to a close, Katsuki is shaken by the fact that Izuku beat him. Worthless Deku beat Katsuki Bakugo, and he wonders if Izuku could beat him in other ways. Katsuki underestimated Izuku.

I've talked about Katsuki's obsession with strength previously, but the same idea applies here. If Katsuki wasn't so gun-ho on taking out the enemy (specifically Izuku) for the hell of it and actually tried to win the exercise, he might have been able to beat Izuku. But he's so caught up in his definitions of strength and victory that he ultimately falls flat, underestimating his opponent's capabilities to win, even indirectly. This dame idea comes back to bite Katsuki when Neito Monoma briefly takes possesion of Katsuki's headbands (granted, he does get them back later) because Katsuki didn't even bother paying attention to him, once again underestimating him.

Now, as I've stated before, Katsuki has overestimated himself at least twice. The first time was with All Might during the Final Exams. When All Might brings up his handicap weights, Katsuki has the gall to say that All Might's handicapping is "insulting." Katsuki knows that All Might is strong, he knows that All Might is the NUMBER ONE HERO, and suddenly handicapping himself is insulting? Granted, that's the same attitude he had against Shoto at the end of the Sports Festival, but just to put this scenario into perspective:

Katsuki is a 15 year old hero in training with a powerful quirk, a few months of experience, and versatile experience with his quirk among other strengths (including Battle Tactics).

All Might is an adult (age unknown) Pro Hero with a powerful quirk, years of experience, and, as a Young Katsuki once said: "No matter how bad things look, he always wins in the end!"

To put it simply, Katsuki is a Level 15 going against All Might, a Level 200 (whose handicap probably brings him down to Level 100).

Combined with Izuku (a Level 10 on his own), they might be a Level 30 (50 if I'm being generous) but All Might is still twice their skill combined, and Izuku and Katsuki's troublesome dynamic make it even more of a hinderance to fight against him. Katsuki even tries attacking All Might multiple times, even though he fails consistently each time, doing virtually nothing to change his strategy. It gets to the point where Katsuki gets straight up KO'd because he can't acknowledge that All Might truly is leagues ahead of him. Objectively, Katsuki knows that All Might is on another level, but subjectively? Shouldn't be too hard to beat him.

How would he have passed without Izuku again?

The second time Katsuki overestimates himself is actually fairly recent. Before Izuku and Katsuki head off to intern under Endeavor, they have a meeting with All Might. During that meeting, Katsuki remarks that he's be able to use all of One for All's quirks right then and there, whereas Izuku has only learned to *bloop* with his first new quirk.

Again, Katsuki is only focusing in the physical aspect of things, in this case OFA. We don't know exactly what All Might and Izuku told him about it, but I'd like to think they'd at least cover the basics of OFA's sentience. That, and the fact that since Katsuki is in on the All Might Tea Parties now, wouldn't he at least hear about Izuku's vision when he was undergoing the Black Whip episode? It's already been established that Katsuki has a strong quirk and is physically strong to an extent, but we've seen time and time again that his emotional strength needs some growing time. Plus, it has also been established that OFA gets a boost when it's motivated to save people. Katsuki has no such motives unless it benefits him. He's giving himself too much credit claiming he'd master OFA at that point.

Phew, that was long.

Otherwise, the rest of your argument is fair, homez18. Katsuki does fight to prove himself. He fights (and succeeds) to prove himself during the Entrance Exam. He fights to prove himself during the Quirk Apprehension Test (getting 3rd place and "losing" to Izuku in the ball toss, which pisses him off). He fights to prove himself in the Battle Trial (which is why he's so torn when Izuku wins). He fights to prove himself during all the events after that, like the Sports Festival or the Villain Attack at Camp. He does all that to prove himself.

The problem arises when he shuts out virtually everything else.

Yes, he should be mad at Shoto for not going all out at Katsuki during the Sports Festival, but he heard Shoto's backstory. He KNOWS Shoto hated his fire side, and saw how adamantly he refused to use it. He might not have heard what Izuku said to him in their fight, but Katsuki is so stubborn that he refuses to realize that people have issues beyond Katsuki. Not going all out against him is a personal slight. Being too weak is a personal slight. No one wins.

During the Villain Attack at Camp, Katsuki has every right to defend himself. But he's not defending himself. He's seeking out conflict because to him, fighting is the best part of being a hero. If he was truly defending himself, he'd have headed back to camp with Shoto, even begrudgingly so. Instead, he ignores Mandalay's warnings just because she brought up something about Izuku, and then narrowly avoids getting cut immediately afterwards, foreshadowing his poor choices.

TL;DR Katsuki tends to underestimate others more than he overestimates himself, and while he does fight with a warped sense of honor, it doesn't make his actions any more "noble."

Thanks for reading, homez18. I hope you enjoyed, and if you didn't? Well, that's on me I guess...

-Crimson Lion (24 September 2019)

#bnha #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #katsuki bakugo #katsuki bakugou #anti bakugo #anti bakugou #just a little bit #character analysis #character discussion #drabble #meta #response #long post

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askthechaoticwitch · 5 years

Text

➡ @xmalfoydracox ⬅

The Slytherin inhaled as he listened to her words, keeping his grip on her wrist as he exhaled. “Yeah, it came out of nowhere and caught me off guard. But just ignoring it won’t do any good, trust me ignoring something usually makes it so much worse. And besides if something horrible should happen to me and I was gone for good, you’d have to live with the what if and do you really want to do that?” He questioned softly before he let out a sigh as he let go of her wrist, listening to her speak once more he couldn’t help but to shake his head in disbelief. “I’m far from being a saint but thank you Wanda, you seem to be the only one who see’s the good in me. Well other than my mother but I am sure she’s quite bias since I am her baby boy.”

The male had allowed the female to take his hands in hers, he just focused on breathing as he listened to what she had to say. He couldn’t help but to let another sigh escape his throat, he had tried once before to make a friend who wasn’t as bad as his current friends but the male had judged him before getting to know him and rejected him. That had hurt quite a lot so he decided to stick with Slytherins and to close his heart away, he focused more on making his father proud than worrying about anything else. As he did that he decided to make the male’s life hell, if he wanted to assume he was the wrong sorts then so be it - he’d show him the wrong sorts as long as he felt the pain he had caused.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts when the Gryffindor had finally finished her thoughts, scrunching up his nose a it as his lips curled into a frown. “I’m not in love with Pansy so I wasn’t holding my breath for a future with her, its just a in the now and see where it goes sort of thing. You assume I deserve all that but in honestly, I wish I did but I don’t. And besides I'd sort of have to allow someone to get that close to start with and if you haven’t notice, I sort of made it where no one seems to want to. And yeah maybe but I haven’t exactly decided if I want to settle down.” He spilled out as he let his face relax a tad bit, shaking his head at her in disbelief once more. Did she seriously think he was gonna forget about her little confession, if she did then she was crazy. “In Merlin’s name you can’t be serious, I aint gonna forget about you little confession Maximoff. What I can guarantee you, is that its not gonna change anything unless you let it. And you need to stop assuming what I feel, its bloody rude. You aint me so you don’t know what I feel so don’t even begin to tell me how I feel, it is one way to make me dislike you and that’s really not what .” Malfoy hissed as his nostrils flared, it wasn’t as if he tended to lose his temper on her but who gave her the right to assume how he felt?

Inhaling then exhaling before he dared speak once more, he was trying to keep his emotions in check because he wasn’t gonna lose it on her. “You are right, I don’t feel that way towards you currently so yeah we’re not gonna happen. But it still doesn’t give you the right to assume my feelings before actually talking to me about it. And stop calling it a problem, there is seriously nothing wrong with having those feelings.” He sighed out as he lowered his voice, the last thing he wanted to do what hurt her feelings but he had to be honest with her. Besides it would be for the best if she just got over him, for multiple reasons that he really didn’t want to discuss.

After a few moments had passed, the male was becoming a bit angsty. He could see the worry in her eyes, which was followed shortly by words that he was dreading to hear. “Don’t worry about it...” He muttered out in a low breath, he honestly didn’t need another person worrying about him. He would be fine - he just had to be, but unfortunately he knew that he couldn’t stop her from worrying about him. Swallowing hard as he let go of her hands and moved backwards a bit, he was all too prepared to run and avoid this subject. He could handle the other one but this one, he didn’t want to talk about.

How could he tell her his deepest darkest secret, knowing that it would change things between them for good. After all she was on Potter’s side the last time he checked, he however was on the dark lords side - not by choice tho. It was bad enough he may not survive to his seventeenth birthday but to lose his best friend? That was worst.

He parted his lips to lie and say he was fine, that it was nothing he couldn’t handle. However he was cut off when she once again spoke, a slight huff escaping his throat at the words. He doubt she could love him if she knew what he was and what he had to do, even if she managed to somehow love him then the realization of what’s gonna happen if he fails is gonna hurt her. After all he promised her that he’d always be there for her til the end, how could he tell her knowing it could cause her pain either way?

A frown settled upon his facial features as he pulled away from her, he was literally trembling at this point. He didn’t care to pretend anymore, he was so close to breaking. “Wanda--” The blond began but cut himself off, he began looking around before he turned his attention back to her. He didn’t say anything, instead grabbed her hand and took her to somewhere more private. “--You can’t help me, I’m sorry...” Draco breathed out as he put a bit of distance between them, he couldn’t stand being near her right now as what he was about to do was gonna be one of the hardest things he would ever have to do when it came to Maximoff.

The Slytherin bit down on his bottom lip hard enough to cause it to bleed as he held out his arm and flipped it over, his hand ghosting his sleeve as he looked down at it. He knew there was no turning back after he did this and he knew for sure he wasn’t ready for this but he couldn’t lie to her, she had to know what’s wrong and why he didn’t deserve anything she thought he did. Inhaling and exhaling once more as he looked up at her, once he locked eyes with her he lifted up his sleeve to reveal the dark mark that rested upon his arm. “I’m not fine, I am never gonna be find again. I am supposed to kill Dumbledore. I don’t want to do it but I have no choice, I have to do this or he’s gonna kill me. I rather pitch myself off the Astronomy Tower than do this but he not only threatened to kill me if I fail but my parents too and I can’t let that happen, I just can’t. Its my father’s punishment for failing the dark lord not once but twice, my mother cried for weeks after I received the mission.. I have been trying for weeks to fix up a vanishing cabinet to let my Aunt Bella and a few death eaters in the castle.. I barely sleep due to that and the guilt and fear I feel is causing me to barely eat, I am basically dying inside... I didn’t tell you all this because I am terrified of losing you, not that I can blame you because death eaters killed your parents and now I am a death eater about to commit the worst unforgivable thing imaginable. I’m sorry, I am so truly sorry. You can hate me, I understand but please don’t tell anyone. Please, I am begging you.” Draco cried out as the tears fell from his eyes, he couldn’t stop himself from breaking down any longer.

Wanda was listening to Draco, her facial expression turning from relaxed to one of disappointment and worry. He had suddenly slipped but it didn't go unnoticed by his friend. "Wait. What do you mean by "if I was gone for good"? What is going on? Why are you speaking as if you're going to die?"

However, he kept talking about his relationship with Pansy, and she let him finish, but she was going to bring it back as soon as he was done speaking. The brunette frowned, looking at Draco bewildered. "What's the point of being in a relationship with someone you don't love! If you truly have no feelings for her as you said, you should stop wasting your and her time. As mean as she can be, she deserves to be with a person who loves her. You do too. You'll only hurt her and yourself if you keep this up."

Wanda felt her cheeks heat up when the Slytherin brought back the topic of her feelings. She shifted uncomfortably, swallowing hard, a look of betrayal in her eyes. Draco had ditched her for a girl he doesn't even love? To say she was feeling terrible was understandable. Rage was building up inside of her, but she put on a perfectly calm, cold expression, determined not to give him the satisfaction of knowing he had been able to hit a nerve.

"Listen, Malfoy - I've always thought you could be more than the mean person everyone knows. You have no right to play with people's feelings and you should stop leading Parkinson on, that's really shitty of you. I'm not really surprised though, you've always been up for some "entertainment"."

The girl took a breath, still looking at Draco with an emotionless face. "I won't stop calling it a problem because it clearly is one. Falling for you was a mistake especially since I now know you don't mind dating someone just for the fun of it and not because you truly have feelings for them. That's a reason I should give up on you, just as you wanted."

Wanda really couldn't imagine dating her best friend and finding out he didn't love her at all in the first place. The thought made her feel used, somehow dirty. The Gryffindor suddenly felt sorry for Pansy, whose situation was exactly this one.

After she had brought up Draco's miserable state, Wanda noticed him becoming quite uneasy and she almost regretted starting this conversation. Almost.

The girl followed him to somewhere private where they could discuss this matter in peace and waited patiently for a reply. She frowned when he let go of her hands, upset by the fact that her friend was pushing her away again. The female observed the way anxiety was seeping into Draco, she could almost hear his loud heartbeat in the deadly quiet room. Her expression softened, she was looking at him with pure love, encouraging him to share what was troubling him. It hurt her incredibly much to watch him suffer in silence, unable to help him so she was hoping he'd finally let her in.

Wanda's eyes filled with tears at the sight of Draco nearly falling apart, but she didn't say a word. With a pounding heart she watched as the boy pulled up his sleeve to reveal the dark mark on his arm. The girl let out a quiet gasp, covering her mouth, as the tears finally rolled down her cheeks. She carefully listened to her friend's explanation, not taking her eyes off the black skull and snake which rested upon his arm. The female could only take a couple of seconds before nausea hit her full force and she had to pull a chair to sit on since her legs were barely holding her at that point. The news knocked the air out of her lungs and Wanda began to rub her throat, finding it extremely hard to breathe. Countless thoughts were running through her head, each more terrifying than the one before it. She had already lost her biological parents, twin brother and adoptive parents, she wouldn't be able to bear the loss of her best friend who was her only family.

She looked up at the boy with a broken expression, nearly choking on her words. "You do realise not only Dumbledore is going to die if you complete this mission? What makes you think Voldemort won't kill you and your parents even if you succeed? Remember - he's not to be trusted, he knows no sympathy nor loyalty. He's cruel and he wouldn't hesitate to get rid of any of you if he has to, in order to win."

Wanda stood up and in the next moment the boy was in her warm embrace. The girl knew how much he needed to let it all out and she wasn't going to stop him - she let him cry into her shoulder and be broken, something he had done for her long ago.

"Draco... I can't hate you for something that's not your fault. You were forced to join the Death Eaters and you never wanted to kill anyone," Wanda spoke softly, taking Draco's hand to gently caress the skin where the mark rested, knowing how painful the process of receiving it actually is. She was absolutely shocked by how long he had managed to keep it a secret for but couldn't blame him - there's no easy way to share this secret even with your closest friends. "All of this... I can't even process it. I'm sure you know all of us are going to lose if you let the Death Eaters in. Thousands of innocent people are going to be hurt, tortured and killed..."

Wanda whimpered quietly, still not believing what she had just heard. "You've been a bully, yes, but you could never be a murderer. Your heart isn't cruel. That's why I know you're going to fail with your mission. Plus Dumbledore is the greatest wizard of all time, he can't be killed easily."

"I promise you that you do have a choice. You'll always have. You're just a boy who happened to be burdened with a terrible purpose and I know people who would gladly provide you safety. Dumbledore himself would never turn his back on people who come to him for help. Your parents would be safe too, Dumbledore would shelter them like he did with Severus Snape years ago."

Wanda squeezed her eyes shut and a few more tears fell. "If you, however, decide to finish your mission, that means you're on the Dark Lord's side and you support the people who murdered my parents. You will hurt me immensely if you betray me like that."

The girl finally opened her eyes and exhaled slowly. She looked into Draco's tortured grey eyes. Wanda didn't really care about how miserable and worn out she looked, she just stood on her tippy toes and placed and feather-like kiss on his forehead.

"Just say the word, Draco, my dear. You don't have to go through this, especially not alone. I'll be with you until the very end. Whatever it takes."

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