#i am so emotionally unwell after seeing the movie

[normal-internet-user]

shaking at a frequency that could shatter glass I know I've been here not too long ago, but. please.

h—headcanons..,, maybe...?? f-for.

Peepaw/Dad!Leo with an adopted child!reader...,, please...,... i-i need some Dad fluff with this tortuga. this overgrown hard-shell melon. this- this. (gestures vaguely) y'get me?

he's so Dad shaped. he's so fond and just radiates safety and warmth and affection and ugghhhghhh i just KNOW he'd be the best dad EVER. nay, he IS the best dad. (pseudo) sibling Casey attests to it.

(⁠ ⁠ꈨຶ⁠ ⁠˙̫̮⁠ ⁠ꈨຶ⁠ ⁠) i think i'm actually going to lose my mind . the Clan as uncles/godparents/aunties. grandpa splinter. sweet brother Casey. it takes a village to raise a kid, they say.

do you see my vision here mate? as always, only if you want to ☜⁠ ⁠(⁠↼⁠_⁠↼⁠) & if you do? just .. go ham. if anything strikes you, PUT IT IN THERE. I NEED TO HEAR IT FROM OTHER PEOPLE TOO . (/lh)

This seems appropriate to celebrate me finishing the Rise movie (I am still emotionally unwell this is me coping) I shall grant you headcanons my dearest darling /p

PEEPAW LEO AS AN ADOPTIVE FATHER

....................................

Let me start this off by saying that this man-

This man is best dad.

He finds a lost child?

'Tis his child now.

You are his child now.

Casey?

He's ecstatic.

NEW SIBLING LES GO

Especially since you're younger than him,

(Not by much, maybe afew months)

Casey makes it his life mission to protect you at all costs.

His favorite thing to do is hold your hand and lead you around.

Leo is so so good at being a dad.

I mean look as CJ,

He's got this ok?

Feeling clingy?

He'll hold you until you want him to put you down.

Nightmares?

That's ok kiddo, come curl up next to Papa, he'll keep all those monsters away.

When you get older, you are not going anywhere without him, Casey, or anyone else.

It's not safe, and the same rule applies to CJ.

So you guys go on lots of scouting missions together.

You two may as well be twins, you never go anywhere without the other.

Sometimes, you and Casey will be sent to scout really last minute,

And Leo won't be notified until you two are gone.

Whenever this happens he gets super pissed off and worried because those are his kids,

He should be the one to give them clearence to leave,

Not some random officer who decided to send you two out.

If one of you ever comes back hurt,

God speed to whomever sent the two of you out.

Leo is mad.

Like, mad-mad.

So are April, Mikey, and Donnie.

Leo would literally fall apart if he lost you or Casey.

He swore to Cass that he'd protect Casey, and he promised himself he would keep you safe.

If he lost either of you he just might completely fall apart.

Leo's busy, he's running a resistance afterall,

So he can't keep eyes on you all the time.

That's why the Hamato's take turns.

Leo's in a meeting?

Let's meditate with Master Michelangelo.

Oh he's busy too?

Time to visit Uncle Tello's lab.

Can't find him?

Well where's Commander O'neil?

Can't find her either?

Welp, enjoy the meeting, cause you're stuck there now.

Play rock paper scissors or somethin idk.

If you're around before Splinter passes, he spends alot of time around you.

He's always wanted grandchildren, and he's going to cherish you,

Especially with the world in anarchy.

When you start losing people, it get's hard.

First it was Grandpa Splints,

Then it was Uncle Tello,

Then Auntie April...

Through it all Leo made sure you were ok.

You're just a kid, and you have to grow up in this hellscape?

You've never seen the blue sky, or normal rain,

And everyone you hold close is being ripped away.

That's not fair.

So he does everything he can to make sure you grow up safe and happy.

One of his favorite things to do was tell you and Casey stories of what the world used to be like.

Your favorite is when he describes the stars.

It sounds so amazingly beautiful, shimming lights like glitter sitting up in a blackish blue abyss.

Wow...

After the events of the movie, (you knew it was coming goddammit)

Your first request is to see the stars.

Which is pretty hard since New York is really bright like all the time.

So they took you and Casey to the docks where you would be able to see them best.

You looked up at the sky in absolute awe,

Papa's words would never do the stars justice.

After a minute, you broke down in tears.

It hurt, he promised to be the one to point out the constellations and his younger self doing it just wasn't the same.

Griefing is going to be a really big thing post movie.

In the future, you never really had the chance.

Everything happened so quickly and anytime wasted on griefing could have been a death sentence.

But now, you don't have to watch every corner, you don't have to wake up in fear you'll be alone.

So you grief.

You grief your family, and Casey does too.

Sure, technically they're right outside your room.

But it's not them.

They didn't raise you.

When Leo sends you and Casey back in time,

You took it much worse than Casey, who was focused on completeing the mission.

Sure, you wanted to stop the Kraang too,

But you missed your dad...

So when you find your family's past selves,

And Leo is being so...

Reckless,

You're angry.

Really angry.

Never in your life had your father acted this way, and Casey needlessly boosting his ego 30 seconds into knowing him wasn't helping.

Through out the movie, Casey needs to remind himself that this Leo isn't your Leo.

You have absolutely no trouble with that.

You come across as cold and angry, which worries your brother since you've never been like this before.

The others just assume you're always that way.

But you're not,

And acting like this makes you hate yourself.

You're grappling with the loss of your dad, and the fact that you might fail to do what you were sent here to in the first place.

Casey pulls you aside and gives you a talk.

He understands that your hurting,

He is too,

But this isn't about the two of you.

This is about saving the world and stopping the Kraang.

After that, you can hurt all you want.

That talk ended with you sobbing into Casey's shoulder, practically collapsing to the ground while you clinged to him and begged him not to leave you too.

Aight imma hit ya with the sandwich technique.

Fluff, angst, fluff.

Boom.

When you were a kid,

You had a habit of collecting anything shiny.

Old coins, jewelry, even just shiny rocks.

If it glimmered, you wanted it.

So whenever Leo had to leave the base, he always came back with something shiny for you to add to your hoarde.

He liked to compare you to a crow, and you asked what a crow was.

Right, raised in the apocolypse.

Sure there were plenty of birds around,

But they weren't.... normal.

So Leo explained what a crow was, and that they liked to collect shiny things.

You understood, but you wanted to know what one looked like,

So you went to Uncle Tello and asked if he could show you what a crow looks like.

He showed you, and immediatly you took to the comparison proudly.

You were like a crow!

Mikey liked to put on little shows for you and all the other children that lived in the base.

Making animals and such out of his ninpo.

Your favorite were the birds, the rabbits too.

But the best was the butterflies, which he also used to help you and Casey fall asleep.

They'd flutter around you room kinda like a nightlight.

I also like to imagine that when you and Casey start scouting, you get in trouble for fucking around.

Mostly making stupid bets for your shiny things.

Casey would collect shiny things just to make these bets.

Usually it was simple stuff, like who can throw a rock the farthest,

But even stuff like that could get both of you killed.

Neither of you really listened until one day,

You're making your bet like usual,

And the building you were scouting out wasn't as empty as you thought.

The two of you nearly fell to your deaths, luckily Casey managed to grapple the two of you to safety.

But after that, you had a major fear of heights, and Leo didn't let the two of you out of his sight for a while.

He made sure to scold the two of you when you returned that day,

Before hugging you and telling you how scared he was for a second.

Leo has no problem with you and Casey being included in meetings,

Honestly he prefers it.

If you two are gonna go running around scouting, you should know what's going on.

You'll have the occasional adult who thinks you and Casey are incompitent because of your age,

And that you shouldn't participate in meetings.

But Leo puts that to rest pretty quickly.

"If they can go out, and risk their lives on missions, they can attend the meetings." He'd say.

Leo loves you with his heart and soul.

If anything happened to you, he'd fall apart.

Sometimes he just needs you to have little sleepovers with him, that way he knows you're safe and sound.

He just wants to protect you.

You're his kid,

And he loves you

....................................

I wrote this while listening to anarchy by egg, and damn that song fits.

This one is LONG that's my bad, I got alittle carried away :^

#tmnt #tmnt x reader #x reader #leonardo x reader #rottmnt #casey jones junior #casey jones #casey junior #casey x reader #platonic x reader #future leo x reader #future leo #bad future #save rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #leo rottmnt #normie writes #mikey x reader #donnie x reader #april o'neil #grandpa splinter x reader #leonardo x reader tmnt #peepaw mikey #peepaw leo #peepaw donnie #meemaw april #rottmnt x reader headcanons #rottmnt x reader

[aceofwhump]

I rewatched all 3 Hobbit movies over the last few days and now I am emotionally devastated. I knew I would be because I always am after I rewatch them but jeezus I am UNWELL.

It's the death of Thorin, Kili, and Fili. Fili who knew what would happened and tried to save his brother and uncle and was murdered in front of Thorin. Kili who died saving Tauriel. Tauriel who's heart is now broken. "If this is love, I do not want it. Why does it hurt so much." "Because it was real." The three of them, the last in the line of Durin, dying before they got to see the restoration of Erebor. It's the sobbing sounds from Bilbo when Thorin dies in his arms. It's the feels of the end of a long and arduous journey. And adventure ending. Saying goodbye to those you come to love as family knowing you may never see them again. Returning home after being changed by the things you've seen and gone through. Back home to the life you once lived but no longer fit in. Grieving your lost friends.

Fucking hell I'm crying again. Fuck this series. I love it so much.

And fuck the three songs that play during the end credits for each movie because all three songs are amazing but they make me CRY! Especially yours Billy Boyd!!! "The Last Goodbye"?! Really!? God!

Screw it. I'm gonna go watch the Lord of the Rings movies again now. It's been a long time and clearly I like pain.

#im okay really #just feeling things #mod post

[fistfuloflightning]

Watching Master and Commander (2003) for the first time, I realized a few things:

Max Pirkis as Blakeney is just the cutest, hands down

Gorgeous gorgeous music (and finally realized where one classical piece I remember from my childhood came from)

My love for Lee Ingleby has extended to this film as well (such a far cry from Ever After or Harry Potter!!)

Hollom deserved so many hugs poor bby

This is excellent visuals for trying to envision how ships are run, for my writing reference folder

I never knew I needed Billy Boyd viciously wielding a cutlass, but now I do

I really really want to see the USS Constitution again—that was a phenomenal experience that this movie dragged out of my childhood memories

Russell Crowe with long blonde hair unnerved me at first, but I’ve come to appreciate it (esp loose like in the deception scenes 😏)

I should not have watched this before bed bc now I’m stuffed up from crying and I’ve been googling the Napoleonic War and Age of Sail/Discovery blogs for the past 20-30 minutes. I am… unwell

I might (re)watch Horatio Hornblower again but I’m not sure I’m emotionally up to it yet

#master and commander #film #maritime history #lee ingleby #billy boyd #i literally had to rewind that scene several times bc I was not prepared for him to absolutely lay into those guys with a fucking cutlass #guard of the citadel indeed #russell crowe #seriously #ive already facecast blonde!russell as hurin and max as earendil #it’s the hair y’all

[qqueenofhades]

WE HAVE BEEN SO BLESSED BY THE KENOBI SERIES, Star Wars redeemed!! That is all, I'm going back to crying over Anakin / Obi Wan now BYE ILY

I AM SO SHOOK, I AM A HEAP OF SHOOK, I AM A SHAKING HEAP OF SHOOK BECAUSE, BECAUSE, BECAUSE

/SOBS AGGRESSIVELY

Like... this whole series.... I was not prepared in the LEAST? I swore off anything else SW-related after the sequel trilogy (I didn't even watch TLJ and ROS because TFA left me so fucking furious), I took a long time to want to watch Mandalorian even when everyone was cooing over Baby Yoda, and I was NOT expecting to be thrown for SUCH A LOOP by Kenobi but here we are???

Lots of other people have produced far more eloquent and intelligent meta than I can right now, but I am SHOCKED at how well this entire series understood the assignment. I just reblogged another meta about it.... but it is genuinely dark, traumatic, filled with grief and horror, and focused around the unbearable necessity of somehow finding a way to fight and survive when you've lost everything that made you into yourself and that you used to believe in. But at the same time, it's incredibly tender, beautiful, lovely, devastating, and ultimately uplifting. It's focused so deeply on love -- love for the source material, love for the fans, love for the characters, the love that the characters share in all its various forms -- and therefore, it's the utter antithesis of the "Everything is Bad Now Lol" ham-handed grimdark of the sequel trilogy, which ruined beloved relationships, plots, and characters just because.... well, Things Are Bad Now. Even when it tried to be redemptive, it totally missed the point, because it was cliche, perfunctory, disrespectful, and badly plotted (if it was even plotted at all). It borrowed Star Wars names and characters, but it didn't GET any of it. It had no love or respect for the source material or its messages or its core themes and what the story has always been about, and it made you feel stupid for investing your time and emotion in this fictional universe at all. It was just so BAD.

And then... Kenobi. Where you see familiar actors returning to their beloved characters and BEING ALLOWED TO RESPECT THEM? When they play them with so much love and obvious joy to be part of the story?? It doesn't massively change anything, narratively speaking. We know that ANH takes place nine years later and therefore we're aware of where everyone is going to have to end up. But what an astonishing coda to Revenge of the Sith, which is by far the darkest and most emotionally violent of the prequel movies. To show Obi-Wan's journey from the depths of the dark into the Ben Kenobi wise-old-hermit who's ready, by the time he meets Luke as an adult, to guide him toward his destiny. It fills in the emotional blanks with such gentle mastery and it makes you actually FEEL everything that the prequels wanted you to, but weren't adept enough to pull off, thanks to their clunky writing and directing. It's fanservice, but in a way that makes you HAPPY to be a fan, even while it's pulling your heart out and eating it in front of you. And that is hard to do!

And Obi-Wan and Anakin.... GOD. I'm so unwell over them, and all the choices that were made throughout the show. I recently wrote this meta about how Obi-Wan himself takes every toxic-masculinity trope and throws it straight out the window. He's non-confrontational and gentle and required to provide fatherly care for a little girl and spends his time being sad about losing his male life partner, and the narrative places that love at the CENTER OF THE ENTIRE STORY.... I am Shook. Maybe it's because I'm a middle-aged sad queer person, but watching the gentle, delicate queer subtext in a story about a middle-aged sad person (familial or brotherly or queerplatonic or romantic or whatever, however you care to read it, all interpretations of their relationship are valid to me at this point as long as you acknowledge that they loved each other more than anything and in some ways still do) is really getting to me, all right. Anakin was the center of Obi-Wan's WHOLE WORLD and even now, when he finally sees Anakin's burned face.... he gazes at him with a desperate little smile because somehow he's seeing his love again, and then cries and cries and apologizes to him for everything and is utterly unable to even try to finish him off. Obi-Wan climbs out of the pit (both metaphorical and literal) by drawing on his LOVE for Luke, Leia, and Anakin, and that's why any idea that Luke would later tell anyone to reject their feelings and attachments is just.... wrong. In Star Wars, love always saves the day and is always the right choice, unless it's the toxic, possessive love that caused Anakin's downfall in ROTS. The fact that it was honored and cherished so deeply by the acting, directing, and writing for Obi-Wan and Anakin is just.... ack.

Seeing how much Obi-Wan loves Luke and Leia, both for being the last remnant of Anakin and Padme and also for themselves, has also made the original trilogy hurt so much more (especially when you consider that Luke rescues Leia on the Death Star and she doesn't even get to see Ben again properly before Vader kills him! DON'T SPEAK TO ME). Also: REVA!! Moses Ingram killed it the whole time, and the parallels to Vader, her conflict, and her ultimate rejection of the dark side of the Force, bringing Luke back to his family and crying about how she was unable to avenge hers -- only for Obi-Wan to tell her gently that it was the right choice and help her to her feet and tell her that she's free....

/PAUSE FOR MORE AGGRESSIVE SOBBING

And like... the small things! How much Joel Edgerton sounds like Uncle Owen in the original trilogy! Beru being ready to fuck a bitch up if they lay a single hand on Luke! Little Leia being absolutely perfect in every way (oh how I wish Carrie Fisher could have seen her). All the hugs between Obi-Wan and Leia and the way he tells her about her parents and it's clear how much love he still has for both of them! QUI-GON JINN JUST CHILLING IN THE DESERT AS A FORCE GHOST WAITING FOR OBI-WAN!!! (WHEN I TELL YOU I SCREAMED!) LEIA DRESSED LIKE A JEDI AND REUNITED WITH BAIL AND BREHA AND SHE CAN'T HAVE A BLASTER BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE WOULD RUN OUT AND SHOOT PALPATINE IN THE GODDAMN FACE AND THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE AN OT, OOPS --

In short, this series was so wonderful, so authentic, so deeply heartfelt, so utterly willing to embrace love and hope and redemption as the ultimate message of its source material, so respectful of its fans and its characters, and I am going to cry forever over it. Farewell.

#terribletinkereroftaldorei #ask #star wars #sw meta #kenobi #kenobi spoilers #obi wan x anakin #i just have a lot of feelings

[ghostboyjules]

I posted 14,507 times in 2022

That's 4,532 more posts than 2021!

90 posts created (1%)

14,417 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@feraligatr

@lemememeringue

@cry-4-judas

@wantnothing

@hxh

I tagged 4,619 of my posts in 2022

#the sandman - 519 posts

#hxh - 305 posts

#dream of the endless - 234 posts

#dreamling - 215 posts

#my beloved mutuals ✨ - 144 posts

#hob gadling - 115 posts

#prev - 81 posts

#jjk - 80 posts

#killua - 53 posts

#gon - 48 posts

Longest Tag: 113 characters

#😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

tagged by the ever iconic @hxh, thank you bestie :3c

rules: tag people you would like to know/catch up with

Last song 🎵 : Nothing Else Matters (Metallica Cover) by Phoebe Bridgers (I, of course, love the original as well but this is just gorgeous)

Last movie 🎬 : Everything Everywhere All at Once (if you have mother issues™, do not watch this until you are mentally and emotionally prepared. I'm fucked up. and will be so until the foreseeable future.) [thanks @wantnothing and @halflove 🙄]

Last book 📖 : hmmm.. I'm of the opinion that manga definitely counts, so like. technically Vol 14 of jjk, if we're talking physical. or like, the neat lil booklet that comes with my tarot deck 😅

okiieee I'm gonna tag @wantnothing and @halflove, if they wanna do it. since they have helped emotionally damage me 💀

I'll also tag @watermelon-mafia, @caprisun-overlord, @rabooots, @croakings, @queen-alluka, and @queen-eevee (woah that's two royalty in my mutual circle, love to see it ajfjsjfn)

y'all have a good day, and ily 💙😘

9 notes - Posted August 10, 2022

#4

hi yes hello it's me again. so I'm working on my dream of the endless™~ playlist.. and I was looking through this BROODS album that I liked a lot and... just. just look at this.

uugghh Dream just being so overwhelmed after everything and going to Hob.. and Hob's just. Over the moon that Dream feels safe enough with him for comfort.. the bridge is especially destroying me cause like - of course Dream would beat himself up abt needing comfort in the first place and he can't stop thinking abt all that needs to be done and- AAHHH Hob just gently pulling him out of all that, if just for a moment...

I love fics with this premise and now I have a SONG to go with them???? I'm in shambles.

here's the song btw :

BROODS - Bedroom Door

10 notes - Posted November 10, 2022

#3

hey um. i am genuinely so unwell about this song & dreamling

See the full post

11 notes - Posted October 26, 2022

#2

beloved @hxh tagged me in this and I am not gonna lie this was kinda hard. mostly just because I'm v indecisive 🤦‍♂️ also this will absolutely say something abt me as a person, feel free to roast me abt it ajdjajfnf

10 characters, 10 fandoms, 10 tags

1. Megumi Fushiguro (jjk)

2. Cloud Strife (ffvii)

3. Kurapika (hxh)

4. Dream of the Endless (sandman)

5. Kaeya Alberich (genshin)

6. Ling Yao (fmab)

7. Thanatos (hades sg)

8. Shinobu Kocho (kny)

9. Allen Walker (dgm)

10. Mae Borowski (nitw)

okay okay stopping here before I change anything else 💀 I don't think I'm gonna tag a full 10 ppl, but we'll see sjdjfj

okay let's gooo @watermelon-mafia @croakings @caprisun-overlord @lemememeringue @eel-divinity @queen-alluka @queen-eevee @rabooots

almost but not quite 10, good enough for me 💀 ily my beloveds, hope everyone is having a pleasant time (if not I'm wrapping you in a blanket and giving you cookies okay gn)

14 notes - Posted October 13, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

It appears the last two (2)….times I’ve tried creating this post, tumblr thought I was too wordy, so I’m going to attempt to get in and get out before it eats itself again

this playlist (a Dream of the Endless™ character examination via my silly brain and sad ass music) took me entirely too long and I'm going to throw my laptop out of the window if I have to look at it any longer so pls pls take it and I hope that if you listen or even read the lyrics that you find something new, or hear something you like.

This absolutely would not have ever seen the light of tunglr.hell if not for the beautiful souls of the Sandman fandom, and a few of my new friends and mutuals. So special internet cookies and hugs to these inspirational, encouraging, and beyond talented individuals; @wordsinhaled , @weirdfishy , @wizardofgoodfortune , and @xx-vergil-xx - i love y'all dearly and I hope this is even HALF of what you would have expected, or a quarter of the amazing content y'all have bestowed upon my lil eyeballs. Now Onward! to words that personally injure me!

Florence + The Machine -Too Much Is Never Enough

And the crown, it weighs heavy

'Til it's banging on my eyelids

Retreating in covers and closing the curtains

One thing's for certain, oh

A year like this passes so strangely

Somewhere between sorrow and bliss

~I first encountered this song in it's source material FFXV, and there it destroyed me. Now, wearing my dumb lil blorbo glasses yet again, it is back with vengeance..goth royalty sad wet cat flavored (gross), vengeance. "too much is never enough" .... oh sweeties...

Oh, who decides from where up high?

I couldn't say "I need more time"

Oh, grant that I can stay the night

Or one more day inside this life

VIRA - God Complex

God, I could try

To be the one

To be the one

I'll tear down the sky

What do you want?

I'll do it all for life

My love, my alibi

Tonight, tonight

I'll try to do it for you

~pretty sure this is the angriest sounding song on this thing? but it is fitting.. and desperate.. and wanting and... painful. when she grits out 'try' and 'sky' the way she does.. god the emotion. this just brought to mind Dream and falling for someone hard enough to the point of destructive devotion...

I'm gonna be where you are

Doesn't matter how far

Because we are meant to be

I'm gonna be what you need

Darling, please worship me

Unless you prefer to plead

AJJ - Body Terror Song

~ I love seeing people explore the idea of Dream just...not vibing with being fully corporeal. At least not in the way he is while in the Waking.. what a mood, and especially after the fishbowl...whew.

It will betray you

Be used against you

Then it will fail on you, my dear

But before that, you'll be a doormat

For every vicious narcissist in the world

Oh, how they'll screw you all up and over

Then feed you silence for dessert

Philip Wesley - Lamentations of the Heart

[Instrumental~]

~I wanted to include a few instrumental tracks in here and this one felt apt because I used to fall asleep to this album all the time. Like it was one of the only ones I could fall asleep to with any certainty. The feeling and title for this one tho struck me with Dream specifically so I went with it. The rest of the album is so nice though, highly rec.

Iris Lune - Paper Mache

~ this song!! it sounds so so ethereal and her voice is GORGEOUS but the lyrics!! have mercy the lyrics! big ole owwie! "save me from myself" , "make me believe that I can change, make me believe that I'm not strange" hhhh (also if y'all couldn't tell, this will be dreamling flavored, I think I'll tag them too jic but. yes...)

Save me from myself

I've been in the dark too long

Paper mache love

Make me believe that I can change

Make me believe that I'm not strange

At all

Penny and Sparrow - A Kind of Hunger

tremble, recognize the distance

Go try and murder every preference

I’ll keep hangin' ‘round for reference

come care about me

come care about me

~this is... such a heavy song. hadn't heard it before starting this playlist but found it and immediately had to add it.. just. come care about me. changing, watching you with wonder. Dying is just a kind of hunger. that line specifically. -lays on the floor for 3hrs-

changing, watching you with wonder

you’re less and getting even younger

dying is just a kind of hunger

come care about Me

come care about Me

Carly Rae Jepsen - Gimme Love

~originally was gonna be a joke song to lighten the mood but haha! nope! I mean it is lighthearted but it still absolutely, in my mind, fits Morpheus. beautiful babygirl of the endless...smooch

Gimmie love (Oh)

It's the way we are together (Oh)

Wanna feel like this forever, forever (Oh)

It's the way we are together

And I never thought I'd ever say forever

Jon Bellion - Stupid Deep (Acoustic)

~this song fucks me up! 😀 for real though, I highly suggest watching the acoustic performance of this that he has on youtube cause the vibe is so.. intimate and dreamy and gorgeous.. and the lyrics.. jon bellion, sir.. smh.. the ending..

What if who I hoped to be was always me?

And the love I fought to feel was always free?

What if all the things I've done

Were just attempts at earning love? Yeah

'Cause the hole inside my heart is stupid deep, oh, stupid deep

See the full post

48 notes - Posted November 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#year in review #that longest tag 🤦‍♂️💀💀 #anyway here's this mess ajdjakfkg #still so overjoyed tht ppl liked that dream playlist... I'm also v proud of it 🥺 #jules.intothevoid✨ #Spotify #for some reason did not realize that the year in review thing would tag everyone mentioned in it... again.. #so I'm very sorry if your notifs are blown up by me 'mentioning' you ajfjsjfn #hopefully it's just a reminder that ily 🥲💖💖🥺 #have a good day beloveds 💖

[erzyu]

what he said vs what i heard

#gojo satoru #jujutsu kaisen #erzyuart #jjk 0 spoilers #maybe? #his little animated dance was so cute but i can’t get over the fact that he literally k worded his bestie like 5 seconds ago #this is not normal behavior. gojo seek help maybe #i am so emotionally unwell after seeing the movie #and i will be seeing it again tomorrow ✌️✨

[script-nef]

First kiss | Kirishima Eijirou

Request: Hi! Can u do the prompt of when one stops the kiss to whisper “I’m sorry, are you sure you-” and they answer by kissing them more with kirishima from BNHA! My boy is a gentleman THATS ALL I GOTTA SAY UGH SO MANLY

Y'all see this? Y'all see this??? THIS IS CALLED THE TRUTH MAH BOY IS SO DAMN RESPECTFUL AND LOVING GO BABY GO

Sorry this took so long, I had an idea in mind but it didn’t seem to flow and boom, a new one came and this happened. I hope you like it!!

Category: crack? fluff

1.4k words; why doesn’t your loveable and affectionate boyfriend ever kiss you? It’s time to find out.

Eijirou is an absolute gentleman, easily the best boyfriend you ever had. He’s incredibly attentive, lively, supportive and patient. Always free to give out affection in the form of hugs and small gifts, he makes sure to shower you with his feelings. You couldn’t ask for a better significant other.

But he doesn’t really kiss you for some reason. Small pecks, yes, but just on the nose or cheeks. Even then, nothing really longer or deeper than that. It never comes up in conversations since his unending love for you is proven through practically every other type of physical contact, but it’s confusing. You’d think he would fall over himself for a chance to kiss you. 

Concerns ranging from “do I have bad breath?” to “is he not sure of our relationship yet?” plague your thoughts, and it’s honestly emotionally taxing. And the worse thing is that you can’t ask him about it! Whenever you try to bring the topic up, he gives you that brilliant smile and the words die in your mouth. 

Curse him and his stupid, adorable, heavenly and squishable face. Ughhhh, why am I like this. I need hel— hm.

So instead of stewing it over by yourself, you turn to your girlfriends for their opinion.

“Are you kidding me? He’s in love with you so much we can feel it radiating from him! I thought I didn’t see you guys kissing because you’re too shy or something like that!”

“No, he just doesn’t. I don’t understand either, we’ve been going out for over half a year! Does he just hate kissing or is something about me off-putting and he’s not saying it to spare my feelings?” Groans escape as you fall onto the bed with a soft ‘thump’. The room is filled with muffled sounds as you press the pillow against your face. They watch as you roll over dejectedly on the blanket.

“I don’t think so, [Name]-chan. I overheard him talking about you once, kero. He was screaming to someone in his room about wanting to. I think he’s just nervous, kero.” Heat shoots up your face at her words and you scramble to face Tsuyu-chan.

“Re-really? Should I talk to him about it? He shouldn’t be nervous, he knows I love him.”

“You really should if it’s bothering you this much. Communication is key in relationships you know.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I should, I should.”

Which is why Eijirou notices your fidgeting in your weekly study session. It’s been a tradition between you two long before moving into the Heights Alliance. It’s usually composed of a couple of hours of studying with lots of mini breaks, then eventually watching YouTube videos or movies before you return to your room. 

This week’s session is cut short as he finally puts his pencil down after watching you glance or straight-up stare at him for at least 30 minutes.

“[Name]-chan, is something wrong? Are you feeling unwell?” His hand seeks yours out, frown forming in worry. This face always gets you to open up. Even before you started dating, Eijirou had a special puppy-eyes-and-baby-pout of “please tell me what’s going on” that never failed to make you crack. Since he figured that out, he uses it relentlessly.

I have to say it. The words stop just before your throat but you force them out. 

“Don’t take this in a weird or wrong way, but why do you never, you know, kiss me?” He freezes at your question. His eyes visibly bounce around and the reaction is almost comical. You would have laughed if it weren’t for the anxiety gnawing away at every single cell in your body. “Is there something wrong with me, is that why?”

“Of course it’s not you, why would you ever think that? I love every single thing about you! It’s just…” Fiddling with your hand, he covers his face with the other and looks away. Red permeates through his skin and soon his whole face is the same colour as his hair. “I don’t think I’ll be able to stop once I do, and think about my teeth, babe!” He pulls his lower lip down to reveal his razor sharp teeth. “What if it hurts and it’s just horrible for you? What kind of a boyfriend would hurt his girlfriend?” He rambles on with other excuses but they just fade into the background.

Dumbfoundedness overtakes you at his exclamation. This was the reason? You were literally ripping your hair out for weeks because of this?

“Eijirou, why didn’t you tell me this? You just said it, I’m your girlfriend. You should be able to tell me these kinds of things before deciding by yourself that I won’t like it. A-and what if I don’t want you to stop?” Heat rushes to your face at the last sentence, and worsens as Eijirou’s head snaps to you, eyes wide in disbelief. Your ears feel like it’s on fire and there’s a sensation of something clogging against your throat. Suddenly your lap looks beyond fascinating, and you focus your line of sight on that.

An awkward silence fills the room. The faint ticking from a clock is nearly deafening and adds even more tension. But somehow your heartbeat in your ears is even louder. His eyes feel like it’s digging into your skin. Your hands are still linked together, the contact nearly uncomfortable because you’re both sweating buckets. He doesn’t say anything. You don’t say anything either. This stretches on for minutes, but it feels like hours—no years. Leap years. Unending years which is trying to choke the life out of you at this moment.

Mission abort, mission abort. Houston, we are having a major problem here. Houston, Houston are you listening oh my god I’m panicking why did I say that ughhhhh what if he thinks I’m weird now well that was never a secret but I am dying inside welp this is it I guess I’ll di— 

“Do you… want me to kiss you?” Eijirou’s grip tightens on your hand. Every muscle in your body locks into place, making you as still as a statue. “[Name]-chan? Are you— are you fine with me kissing you?”

When you slowly lift your head, Eijirou’s imploring eyes are staring right back at you, blazing red with a hint of… hope? His fingers gently tap on the back of your hand when you don’t respond, and he shuffles closer and closer to you. Until you can feel his hitched breaths against your face. His eyes shift nervously to yours. “Tell— tell me if you want me to stop.” And with that, he slowly leans in to close the gap between your lips. 

Wait what. Wait what? My mind is not functioning, is this happening? Is this actually happening right now? Wait no wait but don’t wait oh my god his face is so close this is it oh god my heart waitwaitwai— 

Eijirou’s lips finally connect with yours, and the feeling in your chest is… indescribable. He’s so soft, so much more than when he pecks your forehead or cheeks. He’s not very good at it, clearly stiff and frozen against your mouth, but since you’re the same, who’s to complain?

Eventually, he relaxes enough to press on more, emboldened by your lack of refusal. The sound of your lips pressing against each other intermingles with the clock’s ticks until it almost synchronises. His hands cup your face, thumbs lightly brushing over your cheeks. He gently nibbles on your lower lips, tongue gliding against the skin. You revel in the sweet sensation until pain pricks and the taste of iron invades your taste buds. 

Immediately detaching himself from you, Eijirou stares at your bleeding lip with horror in his face. You can almost see the regret and self-hatred screaming in his head. Apologies start spewing out but you really can’t care less right now.

“Eijirou, it’s fine! Come back here.” He doesn’t make any other moves than to continue saying sorry. It rushes out, rapid and nearly tear-ridden, so you take the initiative this time and press a kiss, ignoring the annoying taste of blood. He reciprocates for a split second but pulls away yet again. 

“I’m sorry, are you sure you-” His back thuds against the floor as your mouth reconnects with his arms coiling around his neck. His fingers dig into your ribs to stabilise your body on top of his before one slithers to your neck. 

The kiss fest lasts until Aizawa-sensei knocks on the door to remind the lights-out time.

#kirishima x reader #kirishima imagine #kirishima eijirou x reader #kirishima eijirou imagine #bnha x reader #boku no hero academia x reader #bnha imagine #boku no hero academia imagine #bnha one shot #boku no hero academia one shot #bnha #boku no hero academia #kirishima #kirishima eijirou #crack #fluff #request #female reader

[aarcanechaoss]

Grown Up

Sakusa and Tatsu: smut // Tatsu wasn’t feeling like herself and Sakusa taking care of her might be just what she needed

Tatsu didn’t feel like an adult. She still very much felt like she was that eighteen year old at Karasuno keeping an eye on her sixteen year old brother. Now she’s twenty-four while he’s twenty-two.

Some days she forgot that in some regards she was a famous figure skater- next to Yuuri Katsuki in Japan at least.

Some days she wanted to lay in bed and never get up.

Some days she’d cry and shake and no one would be around to see it or hear about it. The only people who did know was her family.

She hated being a grown up it was tiring and straining mentally, emotionally and physically.

It was a fairly standard day she’d promised to hang out with Hinata at the MSBY dorms but she didn’t want to get up. Her eyes and chest felt heavy and the realisation that she needed to get up had her in tears. With a sigh she had gotten up and dressed just jeans and a t shirt and was now in front of their dorm. She knocked. For a moment she caught her reflection and grimaced... maybe she should have put on makeup today.

“Tatsu!” Hinata called throwing open the door. She jumped. “Sorry for startling you come in.”

“You have so much energy Shoyo Hinata.” She yawned.

“Ah yes I get told that a lot.” He said with a blush.

“Oh hey Tatsu.” Adriah smiles.

“Morning Adriah how are you?”

“I’m good. You? You seem tired got a comp coming up?”

“Uh yeah.” She lied. “Just over practiced yesterday.”

“If you were tired you didn’t have to come.” Hinata pouted. “Kenma is busy today and I knew you had the day off I should have let you have a break.”

“No Sho it’s fine.” She laughed. “I practice hard all the time plus I wanna hang with my favourite short person.”

“Hey! Just because you Kageyama’s are tall-“

“TATSU!” Bokuto yelled lifting the woman and spinning her around. She laughed and hugged him back.

“Hey Kotaro.”

“Tatsu.” Sakusa greeted as he spotted her. He was dressed in sweats and a long sleeved shirt. On a normal day her eyes would probably cling to their attractive forms her confidence feeling faded today. She smiled.

“Hi Omi.” She said softly. His eyes were expressive with her, she could see the worry in his eyes. “So Sho what’s on the agenda?”

“Movie?”

“Horror?”

“Of course.”

“Why couldn’t you have been my brother?” She sighs. Tobio preferred comedies much to the surprise of many and maybe a stray romance or sci-fi film.

“Conjuring okay?” Hinata asked. “It’s got subtitles and I actually haven’t seen it yet.”

“Sounds good to me.” Tatsu said. Sakusa and Bokuto agreed as they decided to join the usually hyper duo.

Her joking was weaker than usual. Even Bokuto noticed. She liked to make fun of movies even if it was a favourite movie- Sakusa was sat beside her watching the way her fingers twitched and jaw tightened whenever the screen got dark. Something was up. She took in a shaky breath as the second film finished.

“Just gonna go to the bathroom. Omi is it alright if I use yours?”

“It’s fine.”

“Don’t wait up for me.” She said before disappearing down the hall to the germaphobes private bathroom.

Ten minutes passed and she hadn’t returned.

Ten turned to fifteen.

Fifteen turned to twenty.

“Should we check on her?” Hinata asked. Bokuto nodded.

“I’ll go. You keep watching movies if she’s not well I’ll... take her home or something.” He said with a shiver just thinking about her potentially being sick. His brows furrowed she didn’t look sick, tired but not unwell... maybe even a little sad.

He knocked on the door his ear close to the wood. Shaky breaths could be heard.

“Tatsu.”

“Sorry Sakusa um... cramps?”

“Nice try but Atsumu was complaining ltwo weeks ago about you having your period.” He sighed. “Open the door.”

“It’s not locked.” He heard. He opened the door slowly to see the normally confident woman sitting on the floor with her knees to her chest. He crouched.

“Let’s go to my room sitting on the cold floor could get you sick.” He said helping her up.

Guiding her to his room he made sure to lock the door behind him so Bokuto and Hinata wouldn’t barge in. He sends them a quick text he says she’s feeling sleepy and will be having a nap in his room and to not disturb her.

“I told them you wanted to take a nap.”

“Cool.”

“Alright what’s going on?” He asked awkwardly.

“Do you like me?”

“What?”

“I mean as a person not as in a crush way.”

“Yes I like you. I wouldn’t have let you you know if I didn’t like or trust you.”

“Why though? Some days I look in the mirror and see that psycho eighteen year old who hadn’t a problem getting into a fight. Sometimes I see someone worth nothing and sometimes I see someone who is just okay. I’m a confident person every knows that... but some days I’m not.”

“And today is one of those days?” She nods. Slowly he places his arms around her pulling her into a hug. They were just standing there quietly. “Do you want me to do anything?”

“I don’t know. A distraction sounds good.”

“What kind of distraction do you have in mind?” He looked down slightly while she looked up. “You are vulnerable now I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“Your voice got so soft Kiyoomi.” She said tugging at his mask. “It doesn’t have to go far if you... don’t think.”

“I’ll go as far as you are comfortable to.”

His mask was pulled away.

“I promised you a kiss next time right?”

“Ta-“ her mouth pressed against his. His hands found purchase on her waist while hers were on his. She pressed him to the wall.

Her lips were soft and plump, he swallowed back the urge to nip at them. His fingers teased the skin where her shirt had moved making goosebumps appear. Nimble fingers rested in his curly hair tugging him closer to her lips. He pulled away watching as she tried to chase his lips.

“Tatsu.” He said firmly. She pouted her bottom lip jutting out. “I’m not going to take advantage of you.”

“You won’t be it’s consented.”

“You’re upset.”

“No I’m not.”

“Are you sure?” She huffed peeling herself from his body and walking towards his bed. “Answer me.”

“I’m not upset.” She says again. “I just... Omi why is it so hard to find someone to love?”

Sakusa blinked.

“Am I just that quick fuck? Why can’t I let myself settle down? I don’t get it. I’m not upset just lonely.”

He stood their quietly with his brows furrowed. She wasn’t looking at him but she knew he didn’t know what to say. With a sigh she began to remove her jeans making blood flush both to his cheeks and down below.

“What are you doing?”

“Taking a nap.”

“Without pants?” He asked with a raised brow.

“Would you nap in jeans?” She said with a scoff before skilfully removing her bra without taking off her shirt too. Crawling into his bed his eyes were drawn to her bare thighs creamy and toned from years on the ice. His eye twitched as he felt himself grow hard.

“Christ woman.” He muttered forcing Tatsu onto her back. His lips found hers again as he settled between her thighs his hips connecting to hers albeit blocked by sweats and underwear. Her legs wrapped around his waist holding him close to her. One of his hands trailed her body thumbs teasing the smooth skin of her thighs. She moaned agaisnt his lips tongue teasing agaisnt the seam.

Their teeth clashed, tongues battled. She forced him to flip over so she was above him.

Without breaking the kiss his back was agaisnt the wall and she was in his lap. Her chest pressed against his, he could feel the soft swells. He could feel her heat grinding agaisnt him.

They pulled apart for a moment before their lips connected again messily. Her hips bucked agaisnt his the seam of his sweats creating a friction in just the right spot. She moaned into his mouth while he kneeded the flesh of her ass.

“Can I?” She asks, her fingers dipping beneath the band of his sweatpants.

“Are you sure?” He asked. Honestly he didn’t want to cum in his pants the thought of that made him feel gross but she needed affection and love maybe he shouldn’t maybe- on her lips found purchase against a sensitive spot on his neck making him buck up into her heat another moan leaving her throat. “That’s cheating.” He puffed.

“How so?”

“I’m trying to make sure you are okay and here you are turning me on.”

“Well that’s my intention.”

“Tatsu-“

“Don’t use that tone on me.”

“Tatsu.” He says again. “I’ll have sex with you but after we are showering and cuddling is that understood?”

“Yes.” He sighed allowing her to continue her ministrations. Her hands roughly pulled at his sweats and boxers pulling them down to his thighs and allowing for his dick to be free. She moved back up her hand pumping his length slowly.

“What are you- Ugh.”

“I don’t wanna get undressed just to get dressed and undressed again.” She shrugs pulling her underwear to the side before sliding him into her wet heat. His hands squeezed her ass.

She paused.

“I have a better idea.” She says.

“It’s better be good my dick is already in you.” He mutters. She leans forward, chest pressing agaisnt his.

“Why don’t you fuck me in the shower? Gets two things out of the way. I get your dick and we get clean.” Her breath fluttered against the shell of his ear making him shiver.

“Fucking hell you grade A tease.”

“I try.”

It didn’t take them long to race to his bathroom a spare change of clothes in hand. Did the others watch them as they did so, maybe, will they say anything, might depend on how loud they’ll be.

The water was warm against their skin. Sakusa pressed himself towards Tatsu. He took in her form and they way she felt on his skin. He dipped down his lips connecting to hers as he pressed her to the wall.

“Taking control that’s new.” She giggled reminiscing the last time they were together.

“Honestly right now Tatsu shut up and let me make you feel better.” He growled lifting her leg to hook around his hip. He shifted allowing himself to enter her again and let out a sigh as he rutted into her. She hummed a moan against his neck leaving a flurry of kisses in her wake.

She bit down onto the juncture of his neck that would make him moan loudly. She smirked.

“How are you going to do that when the first time we fucked you subbed so sweetly for me.” She whispered in his ear as he rocked against her. He growled hands gripping her thigh and hip. The hand on her thigh moved upwards his thumb rubbing against her clit. She jumped at the sudden pressure. He smirked down at her.

“As much as I would rather be beneath you and let you have your way. You need to understand something.” He grunted hips grinding against hers.

“What’s that Omi?”

“You aren’t just a quick fuck to us.. I can’t speak for the ones I don’t know but I, Bokuto, Atsumu, Iwaizumi and Oikawa don’t think that.” He gagged a bit. “I can’t believe I said other peoples names while I’m fucking you.”

“Uh it’s sweet I guess.” She whimpered at the lack of movement. “Move Omi.”

“Anyway.” He thrusted again. “We always come back right. We trust you. We care for you. Just because you don’t think you are worth it doesn’t me the rest of us think you aren’t either. If you are lonely- hng- come to one of us. Bokuto would give you cuddles for hours. Atsumu would probably force feed you Onigiri and I- gah.”

Sakusa bit his lip while trying to slow down his gradually speeding thrusts, his thumb still resting on Tatsu’s clit. He could feel her thighs shake. The hand on her hip moved to her breasts and grabbed at the flesh hurrying her orgasm.

“And you what?” She moaned.

“I’ll be here whenever you need me.”

His lips connected to hers. It was gentle and contrasted greatly to his now quick thrusts and harsh gropes. Her arms dropped down, nails pressing into his back as she came. It was powerful, maybe her best one yet out of the MSBY players. She kissed back but fell slack in his arms as the water continued to fall over their skin, cooling as it did so. He came inside her after one last harsh thrust their teeth bumping slightly as he did.

They panted, Kiyoomi quickly and thoroughly cleaned them off and dragged her out of the shower. Drying himself off he watched as she slowly followed in suit before taking over and not only drying her off but helping her in pulling on her underwear and throwing on one of his large shirts. After getting dressed himself he lifted her up, legs wrapped around his waist as he walked them back to his room~ very much aware of the stares from both Hinata and Bokuto and the newer confused stares of Atsumu and others on the team.

She slept cuddled close into Kiyoomi’s chest with legs tangled in his own. He smiled and gave her hair gentle strokes as he stared at the ceiling.

He’d do anything for Tatsu. He wasn’t alone in this feeling. Her personality was so varied from her brother it was almost like being caught up in a spell and she was so headstrong she hardly told people how she was feeling unless she was angry.

It was decided. He’d talk to everyone else and they’d do something for her- a present? All make it to a competition? Steal Kenma’s money and buy all her favourite food?

He sighed. For now she just needed reassurance.

#haikyuu #haikyuu oc #tatsu kageyama #haikyuu angst #haikyuu smut #kiyoomi sakusa smut #sakusa kiyoomi

[zombiesun]

wait ur dad post is throwing me off, I want to be on board for these vibes but I can't tell if it's satire. god told him to be homo? near children sacrifice? this definitely explains a lot of ur mind and way of speaking and perceiving the world. did you have fun with ur dad or was this a way of putting a fun twist on a traumatic time? bc I can relate to that

this is probably the funniest ask I’ve ever gotten and exactly why I overshare on the internet. it’s not satire! my dad is really just like that! g-d did not tell him to be a homo (my father is very homophobic in a very righteous, g-d fearing way) but his relationship with g-d is very homoerotic. it’s not a joke or performance for him, he really does love his g-d more than anything or anyone else on the earth and he would do anything he felt “called” to do which was a rather unstable element in my childhood. however, there is a sense of romance between him and his terrifying deity and I think that devotion and passion is something that scared me a lot growing up but also something I see streaks of in my own faith practices. I’ve always had a very corrupted idea of faith/love before and seen them both as things that ultimately degrade/distort a person because the best parts of my dad were not his faith but it was unfortunately the biggest and most dominant part of him.

and he did tell us he would sacrifice us (lol, we were making sandwiches for lunch and I asked him jokingly and he responded with a severity I really will never forget) and since my family homeschooled us a lot of his religious abuse was ultimately never documented/held accountable so he could really get away with running his own, tiny, horrific religious cult consisting of my mother, me, and my three siblings. it was a really traumatic way to grow up. his faith was so unorthodox that we would keep on changing churches because of none of them matched his extreme, insane devotion and understanding of the bible. I talk about the story a lot where he woke us up at three am because g-d gave him a vision that we were all going to hell if he didn’t dunk us in water to “seal our entry to heaven” because it was really traumatic and vivid in my mind and one of the many instances of  realizing “oh, my father is a really unwell man and there’s no one who is ever going to stop him” as a child. it was a really difficult way to grow up and the source of a lot of my anger against christianity as a faith and my fascination and knowledge on cults and how they function. a cult can sometimes be a family lead by an insane, unchecked, deeply unwell man and his complacent wife and four children who don’t go to school and aren’t allowed to leave the house. there was a period where my mom hand sewed all of our clothes because modern clothing was too immodest and we had to look different then other people. my childhood was really unorthodox and it was also squarely because of his idea of how people should act/exist and it being very different from mainstream society. (it was very captain fantastic sans the wilderness survival and replaced with him wanting us to be college athletes and making us train five days out of the week for it for the majority of my childhood/high school years.) 

“this definitely explains a lot of ur mind and way of speaking and perceiving the world. did you have fun with ur dad or was this a way of putting a fun twist on a traumatic time?” anon I am telling this to my therapist verbatim because it’s so funny and something I would write in my own journal. if you wanted to tell me why exactly it explains my mind/way of speaking/perceiving the world I would absolutely be fascinated to hear it. 

I did have fun with my dad though. He’s a funny, jovial, spirit of a child sort of man. A lot of my childhood was fun in a weird way, we had a six foot basketball hoop in our living room and bags of plastic balls to host neighborhood ball fights. He collects movies and since we didn’t have cable/internet for most of my childhood he would either pirate or buy movies for us to stimulate the feeling of Saturday cartoons. He’s eccentric and passionate, he doesn’t fit in with other people so in many ways he encouraged me to exist in my own strange way. He thinks I’m funny and smart, he always tells me that he loves me and he gives good hugs and there’s something comforting in that. I did hate him for most of my life though for very good reason. He’s the source of a lot of my issues with boundaries/forming healthy relationships because he was emotionally immature in a way that required me to parent/apologize for his actions at a really young age. I also had to deprogram my siblings after I escaped but three of the four of us still live with him despite my best efforts. 

That was the most oversharing about my family I have ever done on this app lmao. It was a fun twist, because like, it’s funny now because I haven’t had to live with him for over five years and he can’t control my life anymore but also I think if I took it seriously again it would probably send me back like, five years worth of healing you know? 

#mailbox #anoncore #religious trauma #cult trauma #lmn if this needs additional tags #sorry if this is more than you wanted anon you just really sent me down oversharing about my weird family lane #thanks 4 asking though #here's 2 coping with humor <3 #and frl if you want to go in further of how that makes me make sense #I would love to hear it #Anonymous

[niamh-erin-colclough]

Covid-19: A Diabetic’s story

***(This is another online story I have written for my portfolio on the current situation we are in. I used this as a blog post also for my other blog site. This is one of my favourites.)***

This was not how I expected to be spending my spring and summer to say the least. Feels like yesterday that I was off to meet my friends, hugging them, having fun and planning all the amazing things we were going to do together that summer… taking every laugh for granted.

I’m 20 years old, and I look and feel healthier than ever, however this is not the case for me. I have type 1 diabetes. My diabetes has never really caused me too many major problems, I’ve had my ups and downs over the years with it, as any diabetic will know, its a bitch… but it has never truly effected me until now. Physically, mentally and emotionally since this outbreak I have been drained.

Since the day I was diagnosed my mom has always told me:

“Diabetes lives with you my darling, you don’t live with it.”

I always listened to this, I never allowed myself to let an illness that was out of my control, take over my life and stop me from doing the things i want to do. And even though over the years I have been in some scary situations due to my lack of care (being diagnosed as a teenager it was hard at first to accept that i was going to have to live with this for the rest of my life) but never have I been as scared as I am now…

Covid-19 is scary for everyone to say the least, the world hasn’t faced this kind of epidemic for years, and never have i experienced anything even remotely similar to this in my 20 years on the planet. As a young woman everybody keeps telling me “you’ll be fine, you’re young, you’re fit and healthy!” little do they know that I suffer with a long term health condition that has changed my immune system immensely. At the start of this whole debacle, I tried so hard not to worry myself, this was until I saw an article online about who will be most effected by the virus. Being a journalist and having a thirst to know everything about everything I clicked on the article, something i now wish I never did.

“The people most at risk of fatality are the elderly, pregnant women and people with diabetes and heart conditions.” — NHS

This was the moment i became truly scared. I had felt fear before, the kind of fear when you watch a horror movie or taking off in an airplane, but this was a different kind of fear. I felt my chest tighten and my heart racing, i couldn’t catch my breath. I remember closing the article immediately and just sitting on the edge of my bed with thousands of thoughts running through my head. I looked back on the past five years on my life and how little I’d looked after myself and my diabetes, being a young women I had started to resent it and almost pretend it wasn’t there for a long period of my life. I thought about my HBA1C levels (the test they do to check your average blood sugar reading over a year) and how they had been sky high for the majority of time I’d been diagnosed. I thought about the effect this will have had on my immune system, diabetes effects your immune system even if you have it controlled perfectly…and mine was far from perfect.

But I remember the main thing that I couldn’t stop thinking about was my family. Diabetes runs in every generation of my family, my mom, my granddad, his granddad, everyone. When I thought about this I didn’t really care about what might happen to me anymore, I cared about what might happen to them.

Two days after this, and after two days of panicking in my apartment in Cardiff — self isolating already — I decided I’d rather be at home with my family through this awful time and I wanted to go back while I still had the chance. I never really know why it is, maybe because I’m a journalist or maybe just because of who I am as a person and have been raised to be, but I’m a realist, I see things for how they are and even though at this point bars, clubs, restaurants where still open, and people were still living their normal lives, I somewhat knew how serious this was quickly going to turn.

Due to my diabetes, me and my family decided to start self isolating anyway, leaving the house as little as possible to protect ourselves. This was scary in itself and all of my friends where still out and about living their normal lives. I felt like screaming “WHY IS NO ONE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY!!” I couldn’t get over how selfish some people where being, my friends would say to me “well I’m young, its not going to effect me.” What about the other people it will effect? What about me?!

As things rapidly declined so did I, mentally and emotionally I was becoming drained. The constant worry and fear was giving me extreme anxiety and ultimately this was messing up my diabetes even more than usual. My mom had to start ordering mass amounts of insulin, as it wasn’t just me who used it, so did she and so did my granddad. Seeing how worried she was for me broke my heart, and for some reason — even though I knew it wasn’t my fault — I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt that there was this added stress that I was causing because they love and care about me so much.

I had to stop thinking this way though, I suffer with clinical depression and I can easily slip into a very dark place if I’m not careful. I had to make sure this wouldn’t happen, I had just managed to pull myself out of a dark episode and refused to go back to that place again. I was told because of my diabetes that I would have to stay in isolation for at least 3 months, and being someone who suffers with mental health issues the idea of this terrified me more than the idea of getting unwell with the virus itself. So I started to force myself to change my mind set. Instead of being worried all the time and thinking about the awful, scary things that could happen to me and my family, i started changing these thoughts to remembering how lucky and blessed I actually am… Every morning I started to count my blessings instead of my afflictions:

№1 — I’m home, with my wonderful parents who love me more than life itself

№2 — I have a beautiful home, with lots of space and lots of love in it.

№3 — I have a dad who would do absolutely anything to make sure I’m happy, not only during this awful time but in life in general.

№4 — I have a mom who I am so close to, so close that I can tell her anything. Anyway Im feeling she is there for me.

№5 — The most important… Im alive. I have a roof over my head, Im still waking up every morning with air in my lungs and blood in my veins… I’m alive.

I started speaking these to myself in the mirror every morning, to cope with my anxiety and dark thoughts. I could sit here and end this blog post by saying that its worked miraculously and that I have no horrible thoughts anymore and everything is fine, but that would be a lie. I still wake up in the middle of the night panicking, I still cry randomly throughout the day -sometimes more than once- when things get to much, I still worry myself sick, but I also now am reminded of just how lucky I still actually am. There are some people out there at the moment who have hardly any hope at all, who aren’t as lucky as me to have a wonderful loving family and a beautiful home to go through this traumatic time in. And sometimes i have to step back, wake up and smell the coffee.

I will get through this, my family will get through this, we will all get through this.

“Diabetes lives with you my darling, you don’t live with it.” — Wendy Colclough

#covid_19 #diabetes #health #mental heath support

[artigas]

Last year, I met a girl in February. We went out to catch a movie together, got to talking, and after a few dates, she outright told me she had feelings for me. I remember her texting me once, after we split ways at night: I wish I had been brave enough to kiss you. Probably still one of the most striking sentences anyone ever told me. When she told me she had feeling for me, I wasn’t surprised. If I was being honest, I largely returned those feelings. But, more significantly, I was too terrified by all my personal trauma and anxieties to accept I returned to them and to accept what admitting such a thing might entail. I did not want to confront what mutual attraction or being in a relationship looked like. I was scared. Terrified. Unwell. 

So, what did I do? 

I ditched her. I stopped replying to her messages, I stopped reaching out, and I show enough disinterest for her to stop trying. Suddenly I was too busy, too stressed, too everything to give her the light of day. 

It was cruel. I was selfish, hurtful, and too immature to confess that while I wanted a relationship with her, I was nonetheless unwilling or, perhaps, incapable of committing to the self-work of engaging with her in the healthiest way possible. I knew that being in the relationship I wanted to be in- a healthy, honest, and affectionate one- demanded that I begin to confront my fears and flaws. It just so happened that I felt comfortable with the ugliest sides of me. It may sound insane, but you can make a home out of anything. I was always so ashamed of the fact that I had never been in a relationship. I also genuinely yearned for love and romantic companionship. But I always self-sabotaged every single effort, attaching myself only to people who I knew on some deep, unspoken level would never be emotionally available to me. I see now that it was a toxic balancing act. It was a way to appease my romantic yearnings without ever having to do the work of engaging with all the scary shit a romantic relationship would necessitate. It was a way to pursue something while mutually assuring I’d never achieve it, because I had formed an identity around its absence. I knew what it was like to be ashamed of myself for being alone, to believe that I was inherently undesirable, that something was “wrong” with me because no one wanted me. I didn’t know what it was like to hold the evidence that all those thoughts were unfounded and then stare at myself bare-faced in the mirror.

I never thought about it like this, but I was more engaged with the idea than the reality. I wanted the benefits of love without paying the terrifying cost of vulnerability. I did not want to be known, but I dreamed of being seen. I wanted to remain hidden from others, but mostly from myself. I didn’t want to face the wellspring of shame and insecurity that ultimately had nothing to do with a relationship and everything to do with me. I got so swept away in the fantasy I didn’t want to ever really show up. 

In September, I messaged her. A lot of shit was going wrong for me and the guilt of what I’d done to Ellery suddenly came back in full force. I apologized for what I’d done to her. I made it clear she was under no obligation to even respond to me. I affirmed that she deserved better than what I did to her and she deserved an apology and I hoped that it was not too late to give her that very thing. I was radically transparent and uncomfortably honest. The next day she replied.

Yesterday I spent two hours with Ellery. We openly established we were only meeting as friends, but I was still nervous. Would it be awkward? Was this a mistake? Could we truly be friends after what I’d done? I told myself I would go if only to test the water- if even this moment of rare friendliness nearly a year later was unhealthy or hinged to the past, I knew I’d have to disengage once and for all. I’m beginning to learn now that sometimes things have to end- that it’s better to say goodbye than stretch yourself out to the point of resentment. You sometimes cross a line with people, no matter how good they are, no matter how friendly you could have been, no matter how faultless it is on all sides. You learn that blame has nothing to do with it. You learn it isn’t a matter of who dealt which wound. You accept that friendship has rendered itself impossible because of feelings and choices long past. 

The hang out went well. I wasn’t blind, of course- her hair was shorter now and it suited her best that way. Her eyes are still blue and bright and she’s got a nice smile. But the feelings between us were entirely different. How I ended up speaking to her and with her was unlike the infatuation before- I felt more relaxed. We said things that were embarrassed and called each other ‘dude’ and talked about our ugly habits. I didn’t want her to know about those before. I tailored my language before. But now we talked about silly things and embarrassing things and I told her about my return to therapy and she told me about her play being performed in a few theaters. By the end, I told her I was grateful we could meet again but asked: are you comfortable? Or do you think this should be the last time we meet? You’re allowed to feel that way.

She shook her head. She told me about the pain she felt before, but how she understood it, even when it was happening. She said: we’re probably never going to be best friends, but we have a lot in common and I genuinely like you. Maybe we can do this again when I visit in the summer? 

I told her I would like that. I told her I was grateful she accepted my apology, but I also wanted her to tell me if I ever crossed any lines or if she, at any point, felt suddenly unable to even be friendly. She promised she would. We hugged, said goodbye, and that was that. 

This is a lot. I’m saying so much. Probably nobody is reading this, but I’ve grown so much. I’ve hurt and been hurt and I’ve done my fair share of healing. And today I’m still thinking about who I am and who she is and all the miles I have left to go before I can really say I’m doing things right. At the very least, I think I can say: I’m doing things better than I ever have before. 

#estefania rambles #dating and junk

[icyxmischief]

I may well be wrong, but I suspect that the way that Loki is being treated by “leadership” in the MCU is a power play. Loki was resurrected at the end of TDW because of the fan reaction to his death during the test screenings and many fans have taken a sense of ownership for his character. [Side note:  I have no problem with that, generally and think is good in some ways. There are toxic fans, but that’s going to happen in any fandom.] Whenever anything happens with Loki or TH, the fandom becomes *very* vocal.

I wonder how much of this is, like, Feige basically telling the fans that they no longer have the “power” to “tell them what to do.” That is, that regardless of how vocal they are, they are not going to bring him back because they feel like the fan base has become presumptuous about how much sway they have and because other properties (and characters) have become incredibly lucrative. (Which doesn’t even touch on the aspects of this whole issue that revolve around Loki being an incredibly intelligent character and having, generally, intelligent, well-thought out plans and motives. And honestly? I doubt Marvel’s ability to find and hire writers and directors that are actually intelligent enough themselves to handle him and his storylines.)

Additionally, I wonder how much of what happened with Loki’s character in IW was Tom tapping out because he’s done with playing the character. Not that he doesn’t have a sincere, respectful appreciation for the role and the fans, but I can see concerns about being typecast (even if it’s just physically. How often has he played dark haired outcasts in the last few years, though?) and also concerns about the way the character is being written (coughRagnarokcough). It’s not like he would really be able to come out and say that at this point, you know what I mean?

And then there’s always the last option. Marvel is just fucking with us and he’ll be back in an expanded role in IW p. 2. If that’s the case, and I suspect it is, I don’t really care. Because they aren’t treating the character or Tom well and they’re basically trying to whip up interest/outrage to guarantee that people will be talking about it in all segments of the MCU fandom (which is why I suspect they killed T'Challa- to drive “outrage”) and spending money to see if they, in fact, did actually really kill him. 

But truth be told, when it gets to the point that someone can (and sometimes feels compelled) to take the time and think about this kind of crap, I feel like it’s time to check out. It’s like being in an emotionally abusive relationship at this point. What did they say? What did they *actually* mean? What can I do to keep myself from being hurt? 

So good job Marvel. Keep pumping out mediocre productions with increasingly disinterested actors targeted at an increasingly disinterested fan base and watch the fatigue set in and returns fall off. While IW p. 2 will be big, I don’t see there being sufficient interest in the phase 3 titles (Black Panther aside) to maintain their economic growth. I really do feel like they’re going to be dealing with seriously diminishing returns and it is directly related to how they’re (mis)handling storylines, characters, and movie tone. 

This is a great post. Forgive me for letting it sit in my inbox so long; I’ve been, and still am, physically unwell. 

I’ve considered all these potential outcomes, and while I am hopeful that it’s Marvel toying with us to return Loki in the final film, the line I agree with you the most about?  “It’s like being in an emotionally abusive relationship at this point. What did they say? What did they *actually* mean? What can I do to keep myself from being hurt?” <--Just, bingo.  This is exactly why I’ve found it difficult to even log in here lately.  There is more to say, more to dissect and explore, but at what cost, and will it even bear fruit?

So that’s why I’ve made the rp side of this blog entirely AU after Ragnarok (truth be told if Ragnarok didn’t give the brothers a vague sketch of a path toward reconciliation, I’d pitch that film out the window too--such weird pacing and tonal disjunction, and use of a certain style of humor that, while effective, was used too liberally in scenes that should have been treated with more reverence).  

The rest of Marvel will not get a drop of my money.  I broke  down and rented Black Panther recently because of its outstanding portrayal of people of color in a superhero genre.  But that’s it.  

#ooc #meta #submission

[taylorswiftfiction]

Together We Can Do Anything pt. 2

You know how when you’re counting down the days till Christmas or the hours until your best friend arrives time goes incredibly slowly yet when you have a meeting you don’t want to go to or a scary doctors appointment you blink and it’s time to leave? I was living in this weird in between. Time couldn’t go any slower when I was throwing my head of the toilet as joe ran into the bathroom after me but at the same time I felt like my body was a bit of a ticking time bomb. I wanted nothing more then for this to stay a secret  for as long as possible but at six weeks I was already starting to show. Just a tiny bit. Even joe wouldn’t be able to tell if I hadn’t pointed it out to him but it was enough to send my anxiety into overdrive. For now I could hide inside under baggy sweatshirts but Grammys were coming up and I had to go, by then I would be around 15 weeks. I had little hope of finding a dress that could properly conceal any signs of pregnancy. Like my week in Rhode Island our time in London flew by. We had planned to spend the trip meeting up with friends and having dinner with his family but the little love inside of me had other plans. For the first couple days i did my best to pretend it wasn’t happening and then it was all I could think about. I was terrified but joe seemed to have a solution to every earth shattering situation. We spent a lot of time talking and watching Christmas movies and cuddling and eventually he was able to work this baby into my heart. As soon as I let my self love this little one I started to feel pregnant. I was either puking, sleeping, or coming up with ways to not puke or fall asleep and there was little to no time for socialization. It was kind of unfair. I never really got the chance to celebrate and be happy. We postponed our cabin getaway until I felt a bit better. My first doctors appointment was in a few days so we decided to spend a few days in LA and then head to Rhode Island till Christmas.

The flight between London and LA was familiar and in some ways comforting. Joe was asleep next to me and I was doing my best to keep a bout of nausea under control. I pulled a ginger chew out of my sweatshirt pocket and took a few deep breathes. I closed my eyes, sat up, and continued to breathe deeply and tugging at my preassure point bands. The bands helped sometimes but mostly they just made me feel claustrophobic, regardless any chance of relief was worth it. Eventually my stomach calmed down and joe woke up. “Morning sleepy head” his hands stretched above his head and he took a deep breath. “Mornin” his speech was slurred and his eyes weren’t quite adjusted to the light yet. He pressed his lips against mine and brushed my bangs away from my eyes. “How’s our little one treating you today?” I couldn’t help but smile at the way he talked about our baby.  "Been better, been worse.“ He frowned sighed. ” well you know I’m gonna have to talk to him or her when they get here because making mummy sick is definitely against the rules.“ I rolled my eyes and giggled. ” you know it’s not his fault he need shitty hormones right now, it’s not like “yeah I’m gonna make her puke her guts out.” It’s just what happens.“ "He huh?” I had a feeling it was a boy, I didn’t really even let myself think about it too much. I had a lot more to worry about then if I would be dressing my baby in hair bows or bow ties but it was kind of just a matter of a fact thing for me. “I mean there’s no way of knowing I just feel like it might be a boy.”  

A couple days later I found myself sitting on an exam table in a paper gown waiting for the doctor. My blood preassure was on the higher side of normal but the nurse reassured me that nerves were likely to blame. I survived the blood draw and all that was left was actually talking to the doctor. Joe was reading through scripts on his phone and I was fiddling with my finger nails, a nasty habit I picked up in high school that I had been dresprate to drop. After a mineute joe put his phone away and reached for my hand. “It’s going to be okay love, you just have to relax.” The corners of my mouth curved into a small smile and his hand squeezed mine three times I love you. There was a knock on the door before it opened and a woman with shoulder length brown hair and kind eyes entered. “Hi, I’m doctor Jamison you must be Taylor.” I nodded and shook her hand before she turned to Joe. “And I assume you’re daddy?” He nodded and shook her  hand as well smiling at the word “daddy”. “So congratulations you are pregnant so you’re going to be spending a lot of time with me in the next few months. I do like to start every appointment by asking you how you’re feeling. So Taylor how are you doing?” I looked over at joe wishing I was 16 and he was my mom and he would answer for me but I’m a big girl and I had to speak for myself. “Um I’ve been pretty sick and tired.” “How often do you find yourself feeling unwell?” “I feel pretty nauseous almost all the time and I throw up on average like two-three times a day right now” I looked over at joe who was nodding his head in agreement. “ do you think you’re getting enough calories in a day to support a healthy pregnancy despite the nausea?”  "Um yeah Joe is pretty great at making sure I’m eating enough and I do feel better when I eat and drink enough.“ Joe chuckled and the doctor smiled at me. "I’m going to go ahead and start doing the examination but how are you feeling emotionally? I’m just going to press on your belly a little bit to try and measure your uterus.” Her hands were cold even over the thin blue paper gown and it wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world. “This wasn’t really a planned pregnancy so it’s taken me a bit to get used to the idea but I’m getting there.” “That’s really good. You should know that a lot of women feel that way and it’s completely normal. So Taylor I wanna go ahead and do an ultrasound. I obviously haven’t completed the examination but this seems like a very healthy pregnancy however I’m seeing some things that aren’t necessarily normal. Your HGC levels are bit higher then normal, your morning sickness seems quite intense, your uterus is measuring a bit larger then six and a half weeks and I just want to make sure we’re not missing anything. Everything could be normal, or you could be a couple weeks further a long then you think you are or you could have a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum , or extreme morning sickness and be measuring a bit bigger then normal  or a number of other things but I just want to make sure.” She did a Pap smear and asked a few more questions before getting the portable ultrasound machine ready. “Unfortunately you’re not quite far along enough for us to get a good view externally so we will have to go internally.” Joe moved his chair over to the side of the examination table so he could see the small screen he offered his hand and i gladly accepted it. After a few minutes a small flicker appeared on the screen. “So the little flicker there is the heart beat and the circle around it is the embryo itself and if we look just a little bit over, you can see there is another little flicker with another circle around it.” I took a minute to process the information and joe said exactly what I was thinking. “So there’s two? As in twins?” “Yes there are two, it does all look extremely healthy but there are a few more things we will have to look out for and you will be labeled as high risk but like I said everything looks normal for a twin pregnancy.” I wasn’t really sure how to respond. I had just gotten used to the idea of having one baby and now I was having two. She prescribed an anti nausea medication incase I changed my mind on avoiding medication and I went home and I cried in my bedroom. Not because I was angry or sad or upset but because I didn’t know what to feel. After about an hour joe came in a pulled me into his arms. “I’m happy I really am, I promise. I just don’t understand why life has to be so fucking hard sometimes.” He pulled away from me and wiped a tear away from my face. “I know this isn’t what we planned but we got used to the idea of one but we can definitely adjust our lives to fit around two.” “I know it’s just two means another kid I have to try not to fuck up and I’m going to show a lot faster and people are going to find out a lot sooner and I just-two babies is a lot ” “ first of all, you are going to be a fantastic mum, you have no idea how lucky these babies are. Second of all you are only concerned about people finding out because you’re afraid of what they’ll think and darling you have got to stop that. All that matters is what we think and I can tell you and I for one am incredibly excited. Two babies is a lot and it means a lot of shitty things. Were going to have twice the the sleepless nights and twice the dirty diapers and you’re going to be twice as uncomfortable and so many other things. At the same there will be twice the late night baby snuggles and twice and I love you’s and let’s be honest our babies are going to be fucking adorable and that’s gonna be multiplied by two.” I threw myself into his arms and laid my head on his shoulders. “I love you so much more then I ever thought was possible.” The next couple months were going to be hard, hell the next couple years were going to be hard. If anyone could do it, it was going to be us because together we could do anything.

#taylor swift fanfiction

[thisisdefinitelyaboutyou-blog]

My beef with ‘To the Bone’

(... and no, it’s not just because its triggering)

When I heard about ‘To the Bone’’s upcoming release, I was moderately excited. As someone who battled eating disorders for almost 20 years and has been in recovery for the last four, I’m always pleased to see the subject being given more prominence, even if it’s the ‘Netflix’ equivalent of a Lifetime Movie.

‘To the Bone’ details the struggles of a 20-year-old, white, middle-class woman struggling with anorexia, while trying to manage some very tense family dynamics. After unsuccessfully seeking treatment in four different live-in facilities, Ellen (Lily Collins) is placed in the inpatient care of Dr Beckham (Keanu Reeves), who is lauded for his ‘radical’ approach to therapy.

While receiving rave ratings on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB, the movie seems to have been critically panned for the larger part. The Guardian called it “uninsightful, insipid and insulting”, while A.V. CLUB called it out on its almost unsettling corniness. The Independent - along with scores of other publications - accused it of missing the point as much as it glamourises eating disorders. 

Eating disorder specialists and charities don’t seem to be on ‘To the Bone’’s side either. Speaking to Teen Vouge,  Dr Dena Cabrera - an eating disorder specialist - criticised the movie for failing to address the realities of what it takes to get better. Eating disorder charity Beat  admitted “disappointment” at certain aspects of the film.

The following unnecessarily long rant is my take on the movie. Just so you know, it’s probably not something you’re going to want to read if ‘To the Bone’ is your new favourite film.

‘To the Bone’ started out on the wrong foot right off the bat, facing extensive backlash for being triggering in its depiction of anorexia. This criticism - as far as I am concerned - is only partly warranted. Representing anorexia on television or in film is never going to be an easy task and I’m not entirely sure that there is a “right” way to do it. A protagonist who's perceived as too thin will be accused of being triggering, but on the other hand a protagonist who isn’t thin enough will prompt neurotypicals everywhere to say shit like “How can she be sick? She looks fine to me! She’s actually, like... fat!” (yes, I am indeed taking a dig at that uncalled-for comment about Emma Stone’s weight).

Even though I have developed a healthy eating pattern and self-image in the recent years, in certain instances I still found myself gazing admiringly at Ellen’s sharp collar bones, deep-set eyes and small wrists, longing they were my own. I also found myself missing the heady rush of a low-blood pressure combined with prolonged ketosis. It goes without saying that people with eating disorders - or in recovery from eating disorders - will find this material triggering. Calories and kilograms are both assigned numerical values, although this happens a lot more fleetingly than the show-casing of Ellen’s body. 

As much as the content is triggering, I support Lily in her decision to lose a drastic amount of weight to play Ellen. If she feels - as a person recovering from an eating disorder - that she has the mental fortitude to pull off a stunt of this sort without relapsing, I applaud her. However I do worry that inadvertently viewers may come to think that this feat is broadly achievable. Generally speaking, losing weight to a very visibly unhealthy degree is not something the average eating disordered person can bounce back from without having the relapse of all relapses somewhere in between. I was also intensely irked by Lily stating that she worked with "a nutritionist to lose weight for the film in a healthy way”. If you’re at what is medically considered a healthy weight or above, you cannot reach a point where you look full-on gaunt “in a healthy way”. These reservations aside, Lily’s performance is strong and convincing and it’s easy to understand why Ellen’s character has already garnered a solid fanbase.

So what’s my fucking problem with ‘To the Bone’? Allow me to elaborate: ‘To the Bone’’s biggest failure is that it follows in the narrative of every other movie about eating disorders: here is another white, middle class, young woman with an unstable family life. To be fair, there was a feeble attempt to dispel the untrue notion that all eating disorder patients are young, white women struggling with anorexia. The treatment centre featured a bulimic, pregnant, 30-something-year-old blonde (Megan) who later suffers a miscarriage, a 20-something-year-old anorexic, male, ballet dancer (Luke) from London and a nameless black, lesbian teenager with binge-eating disorder. Another patient who’s hardly out of her tweens (Tracy) offers tips on why ice-cream is best for purging. A slightly older girl who needs a feeding-tube (Pearl) uses unicorns and ponies to escape the grim reality of her illness. And then there’s the token girl with the barf-bag under the bed (Anna). It’s a pretty diverse bunch until you realise this is all you’re ever going to learn about these characters, with the exception of Luke.

Initially I thought that the film was turning tables on the Manic Pixie Dream Girl concept by writing that done-to-death trope as a man instead of a woman. I learned I was expecting too much when Luke lied about Ellen and him having cancer to buy beer without I.D.. Besides his manipulative streak (which is also exposed when he tries to emotionally blackmail Ellen into staying at the clinic when she decides it’s time to leave), Luke is written in a manner that is almost borderline perverted. Their is nothing ‘flirty’ or ‘romantic’ in asking a woman whether she’s ever been sexually assaulted “because it’s a big rexie thing”. Worse still, he then proceeds to ask a clearly uncomfortable Ellen whether she’s a virgin and if she’s ever had an orgasm before talking about his boner and planting a wet one on her lips. I suppose Luke was intended to bring a romantic angle to the movie, but given the serious subject matter and Luke’s extremely unlikable character, the budding relationship felt forced at best. 

If providing more details about the token patients wasn’t a priority, I feel that some of Dr Beckham’s supposedly ‘radical’ methods should have been explored further. Eating (or not eating) whatever the fuck one likes at dinner in treatment facility sounds like every eating disordered person’s dream, but it isn’t exactly going to help them recover. Neither is a rain room, poetry recitals or throwing patients out the facility if they can’t maintain or gain weight. Dr Beckham tells Ellen that he doesn’t do talk therapy, so what exactly does his treatment involve? Well, there’s morning group sessions and a 15-minute reflection about the day in the evening. In between patients do chores to earn points to get their iPads back or leave the facility for a few hours (unsupervised of course). They also have the added bonus of changing their name to anything they like. Say what you like, but I highly doubt this treatment plan would pan out successfully in real life and giving people considering recovery any illusions that it’s half that much fun is almost cruel. 

Other highlights of Dr Beckham’s treatment included providing patients with gems to the effect of “Tell the anorexic voice in your head to fuck off”. This is about as effective as telling a diabetic person to control their glucose levels by shouting them down into submission. I decided that Dr Beckham should have his medical license permanently revoked when he told Ellen that dealing with mental illness is all about growing a pair. Misogynistic bullshit aside, illness is never a case of mind over matter. ‘To the Bone’ hit its lowest point right here, in its implication that a mentally unwell person who is triggered by a traumatic event is weak. In the movie’s miscarriage scenario, emotional regulation would have proven difficult even for a healthy person, so expecting it from someone whose very illness prohibits them from having appropriate emotional responses is a real punch in the face to the mentally ill community. This is the sort of neurotypical nonsense I didn’t expect from director Marti Noxon who has first-hand experience of an eating disorder. Recovery from any mental illness is an extremely difficult and painful process, usually fraught with a lot emotional fall-out. Thanks to Dr Beckham’s conveniently sugar-coated therapies, ‘To the Bone’ avoided dealing with any of this unpleasant shit.

The movie also made a brave attempt at addressing the subject of pro-anorexia through the storyline with Ellen's tumblr, which she shut down two years prior when one of her followers quoted the blog as a contributing factor to her suicide. Much like the characterisation of the other patients in Dr Beckham’s facility, this incident is brought up, poked at with a splintery barge-pole and dismissed. It would have been far more interesting to watch Ellen’s internal struggle with this tragic event than any of the rain-dancing-in-the-dark drivel.

While striving to point out that both genetic and environmental factors contribute towards the onset of mental illness, the movie then went on to compare Ellen’s illness to an addiction. There is no doubt that disordered eating can lead to compulsive and ritualistic behaviours with food and eating, but there’s a good reason recovering drug addicts don’t share a facility with persons with eating disorders. Lumping these two diseases together as if they were interchangeable detracts from the seriousness of both conditions and certainly doesn’t help in understanding either illness better.

It also pained me that Ellen has no support network (because she has no friends and her entire blended family is composed of complete asshats), which is essential for long-term recovery. Her father is never showed onscreen because he fails to show up at all her appointments. Ellen’s biological mother has bipolar disorder, so helping her daughter is understandably challenging. Both step-mothers seem to think Ellen’s just a spoilt brat who’s acting out. Only her step-sister seems to have her back, but then again she also tests Ellen's ‘calorie Asperger's’ at the beginning of the movie so I’m not sure what to make of that relationship either. It’s the bizarre bonding-ritual between mother and near-death daughter that took the cake though: Ellen is bottle-fed rice milk in her hippie mother’s lap, as they lounge in a posh tent under the moonlight in the middle of the fucking dessert. Read that again and tell me - with a straight face - that it doesn’t verge on the bizarre. 

In the film’s final scenes, Ellen - who has wandered off into the dessert and fallen asleep on a rock - has a dream sequence which draws on Anne Sexton’s poem 'Courage’ and inspires her - as if by magic - to say ‘yes’ to recovery. I understand that if there was ever a time where survival instinct would kick in, it would be when one gets as close to death as Ellen did. I just wish that her will to recover was driven by something more psychologically and emotionally challenging than a dream in which Luke encourages her to swallow coal (in his wink-wink-nudge-nudge tone, of course).

‘To the Bone’ provides a bird’s eye view of eating disorders. Sadly, the bird is directionless. When it comes to discussing - and especially dispelling myths about mental illness - that approach is simply not good enough.

#to the bone #anorexia #eating disorder #eating disorders #lifetime movie #keanu reeves #lily collins #spoilers #marti noxon

[erraticfairy]

How to Listen to Yourself—Especially If You’re Really Out of Practice

When was the last time you listened to yourself?

That is, when was the last time you checked in with your thoughts and feelings? When was the last time you expressed an opinion? When was the last time you considered your needs and actually met them?

When was the last time you said yes and actually meant it—you genuinely wanted to attend that get-together or take on that project or do that favor?

So many of us don’t listen to ourselves—and with good reason. Ignoring and dismissing our thoughts, feelings, and needs can be adaptive in certain situations—particularly in childhood. According to New York City psychologist Snehal Kumar, Ph.D, maybe you grew up in an authoritarian home, had to care for an unwell parent, or learned that maintaining peace meant minimizing your needs (and yourself).

“Over time, this way can become our default method of operating and perceiving the world, which perpetuates this cycle of not listening to ourselves,” she said.

You also might not listen to yourself because you’re afraid of what you’ll hear, said Kumar, who specializes in burnout recovery, diversity-related stress, mindfulness, and mental wellness. You’re afraid that you’ll be “disappointed, hurt, or angry…Sometimes the emotions and thoughts that come up when we try listen to ourselves can feel so utterly heartbreaking, overwhelming, and even chaotic, that we’d rather not listen to ourselves.”

We also might not listen to ourselves because we assume that everyone else knows better than we do. We assume that “everyone else is smarter, wiser, and has the answers,” said Kirsten Brunner, LPC, a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health and relationship counseling at her private practice in Austin, Texas.

And sometimes we simply pick the easier option—at least in the short term. “There can be a lot of work, emotionally and sometimes physically, in trying to give ourselves what we need,” Kumar said.

But even if it’s been a while since you’ve listened to yourself—really listened—you can start at any time. In any moment. Because every moment is an opportunity to check in with yourself and honor what you hear. Below, you’ll learn eight tips for doing just that.

Look for clues. Figure out how you’re listening to yourself in the first place. One helpful strategy is to consider if your words match your actions, said Panthea Saidipour, LCSW, a Manhattan psychotherapist who helps people in their teens, 20s, and 30s better understand themselves and their relationships so that they can live more intentionally.

“For example, if you say yes to an invite, are you eager to show up or do you find yourself dragging your feet?”

Other clues that you’re not listening or honoring your own boundaries are feeling resentful, irritable, or uninterested, she said.

Something else to watch out for: physical aches and pains, such as headaches, chest discomfort, and gastrointestinal issues. Saidipour noted that when we’re not listening to our emotions, they can express themselves through various ailments. “This is the body’s way of getting the mind’s attention.”  (Of course, it’s important to first get these checked out by a doctor.)

Journal. “Start a ‘tuning into myself’ journal in which you let your feelings and thoughts flow without fear of being corrected or influenced by anyone else,” said Brunner, co-author of the book The Birth Guy’s Go-To Guide for New Dads: How to Support Your Partner Through Birth, Breastfeeding & Beyond. She noted that when we write down our words, our thoughts naturally slow down, “which helps you to hear your voice more clearly and tune out other distractions.”

Ease in. “If [we] begin our practice of listening to ourselves by trying to face the most traumatic thing, it can make us feel completely overwhelmed, scared, and more afraid to listen to ourselves,” Kumar said. Which is why she stressed the importance of reflecting on something that’s a level 3 or 4 on a 10-point distress scale: a movie you just watched, a recent conversation with a friend, or three experiences you’re grateful for.

Check in throughout the day. Listening to ourselves means “creating time and space every day to check in with ourselves, feel what we’re really feeling, and ask ourselves what really matters to us,” said Keely Clark, LCSW, a therapist who offers supportive counseling and coaching to moms as they navigate the transitions of motherhood at her private practice MotherBloom Wellness PLLC in Asheville, N.C.

One simple way to do that, she said, is to set a timer for 5 minutes and practice a gentle meditation or sensory scan (asking yourself: “what am I seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, and feeling?)

Clark suggested pairing your check-in with other routine parts of your day, such as taking bathroom breaks or getting into your car.

Put up reminders. This is a visual way to check in with yourself. Brunner suggested putting up Post-It notes around your house, office, and car with different phrases and questions, such as: “How are you feeling today? Your opinions and desires matter. What does your gut say? What do you want right now? What are you needing in this moment?”

Pick what comes naturally. Kumar noted that it’s important to choose practices that feel accessible and enjoyable to you—and have the “least barriers.” For instance, she’s found that athletes, yoga enthusiasts, and performers tend to gravitate toward dance, finding it a powerful way to express experiences through movement. She’s also found that people who prefer talking and reflecting through listening—versus writing out their thoughts—like to create audio notes. What self-reflective practices resonate with you?

Teach your kids. If you’re a parent, Brunner suggested encouraging your kids to listen to their inner voice—which, in turn, encourages you to do the same. What does this look like? When your kids approach you with a challenge they’re having with a friend or a question about the world, avoid giving your thoughts and opinions, she said. Instead, first “ask them how they feel about the situation, and ask them what they think.”

Work with a therapist. Therapy is a powerful place for learning to listen to yourself. Saidipour noted that therapy helps you “hear more of your own unfiltered thoughts without having them crowded out by other people.”

“Therapy is also wonderful because you can work with a non-judgmental and respectful trained professional, who’ll help you sort through and understand your experiences,” Kumar said. Plus, she said, therapists can “use their training to equip you with strategies that address your unique barriers.”

Whether you seek therapy or not, make it a habit to listen to yourself—a habit that’s as natural as brushing your teeth and getting to sleep. After all, it’s just as essential.

As Clark said, “when we learn to dial into ourselves more…we tend to feel happier, more balanced, and connected in our lives.”

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/31dpY7I via theshiningmind.com

#World of Psychology #child psychology

[positivepsychologyinterventions]

How to Listen to Yourself—Especially If You’re Really Out of Practice

When was the last time you listened to yourself?

That is, when was the last time you checked in with your thoughts and feelings? When was the last time you expressed an opinion? When was the last time you considered your needs and actually met them?

When was the last time you said yes and actually meant it—you genuinely wanted to attend that get-together or take on that project or do that favor?

So many of us don’t listen to ourselves—and with good reason. Ignoring and dismissing our thoughts, feelings, and needs can be adaptive in certain situations—particularly in childhood. According to New York City psychologist Snehal Kumar, Ph.D, maybe you grew up in an authoritarian home, had to care for an unwell parent, or learned that maintaining peace meant minimizing your needs (and yourself).

“Over time, this way can become our default method of operating and perceiving the world, which perpetuates this cycle of not listening to ourselves,” she said.

You also might not listen to yourself because you’re afraid of what you’ll hear, said Kumar, who specializes in burnout recovery, diversity-related stress, mindfulness, and mental wellness. You’re afraid that you’ll be “disappointed, hurt, or angry…Sometimes the emotions and thoughts that come up when we try listen to ourselves can feel so utterly heartbreaking, overwhelming, and even chaotic, that we’d rather not listen to ourselves.”

We also might not listen to ourselves because we assume that everyone else knows better than we do. We assume that “everyone else is smarter, wiser, and has the answers,” said Kirsten Brunner, LPC, a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health and relationship counseling at her private practice in Austin, Texas.

And sometimes we simply pick the easier option—at least in the short term. “There can be a lot of work, emotionally and sometimes physically, in trying to give ourselves what we need,” Kumar said.

But even if it’s been a while since you’ve listened to yourself—really listened—you can start at any time. In any moment. Because every moment is an opportunity to check in with yourself and honor what you hear. Below, you’ll learn eight tips for doing just that.

Look for clues. Figure out how you’re listening to yourself in the first place. One helpful strategy is to consider if your words match your actions, said Panthea Saidipour, LCSW, a Manhattan psychotherapist who helps people in their teens, 20s, and 30s better understand themselves and their relationships so that they can live more intentionally.

“For example, if you say yes to an invite, are you eager to show up or do you find yourself dragging your feet?”

Other clues that you’re not listening or honoring your own boundaries are feeling resentful, irritable, or uninterested, she said.

Something else to watch out for: physical aches and pains, such as headaches, chest discomfort, and gastrointestinal issues. Saidipour noted that when we’re not listening to our emotions, they can express themselves through various ailments. “This is the body’s way of getting the mind’s attention.”  (Of course, it’s important to first get these checked out by a doctor.)

Journal. “Start a ‘tuning into myself’ journal in which you let your feelings and thoughts flow without fear of being corrected or influenced by anyone else,” said Brunner, co-author of the book The Birth Guy’s Go-To Guide for New Dads: How to Support Your Partner Through Birth, Breastfeeding & Beyond. She noted that when we write down our words, our thoughts naturally slow down, “which helps you to hear your voice more clearly and tune out other distractions.”

Ease in. “If [we] begin our practice of listening to ourselves by trying to face the most traumatic thing, it can make us feel completely overwhelmed, scared, and more afraid to listen to ourselves,” Kumar said. Which is why she stressed the importance of reflecting on something that’s a level 3 or 4 on a 10-point distress scale: a movie you just watched, a recent conversation with a friend, or three experiences you’re grateful for.

Check in throughout the day. Listening to ourselves means “creating time and space every day to check in with ourselves, feel what we’re really feeling, and ask ourselves what really matters to us,” said Keely Clark, LCSW, a therapist who offers supportive counseling and coaching to moms as they navigate the transitions of motherhood at her private practice MotherBloom Wellness PLLC in Asheville, N.C.

One simple way to do that, she said, is to set a timer for 5 minutes and practice a gentle meditation or sensory scan (asking yourself: “what am I seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, and feeling?)

Clark suggested pairing your check-in with other routine parts of your day, such as taking bathroom breaks or getting into your car.

Put up reminders. This is a visual way to check in with yourself. Brunner suggested putting up Post-It notes around your house, office, and car with different phrases and questions, such as: “How are you feeling today? Your opinions and desires matter. What does your gut say? What do you want right now? What are you needing in this moment?”

Pick what comes naturally. Kumar noted that it’s important to choose practices that feel accessible and enjoyable to you—and have the “least barriers.” For instance, she’s found that athletes, yoga enthusiasts, and performers tend to gravitate toward dance, finding it a powerful way to express experiences through movement. She’s also found that people who prefer talking and reflecting through listening—versus writing out their thoughts—like to create audio notes. What self-reflective practices resonate with you?

Teach your kids. If you’re a parent, Brunner suggested encouraging your kids to listen to their inner voice—which, in turn, encourages you to do the same. What does this look like? When your kids approach you with a challenge they’re having with a friend or a question about the world, avoid giving your thoughts and opinions, she said. Instead, first “ask them how they feel about the situation, and ask them what they think.”

Work with a therapist. Therapy is a powerful place for learning to listen to yourself. Saidipour noted that therapy helps you “hear more of your own unfiltered thoughts without having them crowded out by other people.”

“Therapy is also wonderful because you can work with a non-judgmental and respectful trained professional, who’ll help you sort through and understand your experiences,” Kumar said. Plus, she said, therapists can “use their training to equip you with strategies that address your unique barriers.”

Whether you seek therapy or not, make it a habit to listen to yourself—a habit that’s as natural as brushing your teeth and getting to sleep. After all, it’s just as essential.

As Clark said, “when we learn to dial into ourselves more…we tend to feel happier, more balanced, and connected in our lives.”

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/31dpY7I via IFTTT

#IFTTT #World of Psychology