#i didnt gain anything from this except for the fact that he cant stay still at all

[truerescreatuconfessions]

Excuse me what?

The absolute and utter audacity of Khione to make that blog. There are so many things wrong with it. The biggest one is comparing herself in any way to Aria. What happened to Aria was an absolute tragedy and she had so many people that cared about her on this site that her account has been left alone. We actually dont know for sure that itll stay untouched whenever its time comes to be cleared so for her to even ask for such special treatment "if" something happens is insane. Aria never cheated, never had major beef with anyone, never lied or sold out her friends, never went behind anyones back. The circumstances are completely different. Im sure other people that used res at one point or another have died and nothing was done. This one instance a squishy was made in memory and as far as i know staff didnt do anything else special about it. The only reason her pets on her profile are still alive is that other users sent food to her food pen, might still be doing so even. That has nothing to do with staff "keeping them fed" so dont you even begin to request that for yourself.

The second biggest thing wrong with this blog is the fact that she is implying that shes going to hurt herself in some way. Staff never cared what a ban would do to anyone else that cheated in smaller ways, why do they care so much now? All letting her keep her account and trying to wriggle her way around the truth is doing is making you look worse and adding to her stress. Make a clean break with this account. Cut it off. If she makes a new one, dont let her get her stuff from this one back. This is just emotional manipulation of the highest form and youre letting her get away with it and letting her gaslight everyone else that reads these blogs and making them feel bad. It is damaging not only to your reputation and to her mental health but also to the mental health of anyone that reads it.

Res cant keep accounts of every single user that has died since they joined. Itll become a graveyard or a shrine. Thats just not practical and shouldnt be done. The longer res exists, the more users will die that have played. Thats just how it is.

The blog also explicitly includes this will for if shes banned. No, if your account is banned then you get no rights or privileges whatsoever. It is treated like any banned account and dealt with as such. I dont care how much you love your pets or whatever youve gained. You cheated more than all the users you ever personally banned put together and none of them got any rights to determine what happened to their stuff. Why should you?

Now for the meat of the blog. Done "whatever" with as she put it is exactly what happens to your stuff if you cheat or leave res. You dont get special treatment because you whined in a blog. No, your money shouldnt go in the donation pot. You know why? Because its cheated income. If you cheated to get it, it shouldnt exist, and theres no way to separate the money you got fairly from the money you got through cheated things. I dont care if its a good cause, cheated money is cheated money and it skews the economy. You dont get to choose what happens to your pets either. First of all as i said earlier they might be cheated. At this point theres no way to tell. If anything they should go in a clearing. Second, if youre banned youre banned. Deal with it. The pets are getting cleared in the next clearing. You dont get to say "if i get banned give these people these things" because 1. whose to say if you got any of those fairly either and 2. they might give them back to you if you ever come back. No one else except other cheaters like Blue got to get their banned pets back so why should you? Blue shouldn't have gotten them back either but its too late for that now and hes besties with Dan anyway. Dan couldnt stop you from being fired so he sure as heck shouldnt help you like he helped Blue.

Even regular users have commented on the blog telling her this cant happen and shes coming back at them with "everything ive written here will be honored (hopefully)" like shes blaming you for everything if it goes badly and making it seem like youre the bad guys if this isnt followed. Which is simply not true.

Staff, dont let this go on and stop letting this happen. This blog is an insult not only to you but also to any banned user, any user that has had something tragic happen, any user that worries about something bad happening, anyone on the userbase that doesnt have a chance at the same treatment, and most of all your credibility, integrity, and trust.

#rescon #truerescon #rescreatuconfessions #truerescreatuconfessions #schemes #khione #submission

[hoonclub]

JAY ♡ POLAROID LOVE

#jay #park jongseong #enhypen #enhypenet #m #mgifs #i didnt gain anything from this except for the fact that he cant stay still at all

[yellowbluemoonshine]

One of my triggers is when someone says that villain cannot be or deserve to be redeemed. Like they acknowledge the tragic circumstances, but they say like the villain show no remorse for killing innocent people or just want to destroy everything. I really don't like people saying they want the villain have some naruto's redemption. But I feel like they missed point of why many of us want it. The villains never had a choice unlike endeavor or afo.

Agreed.

I think some people dont understand the meaning of redemption. Redemption means facing with what you did, taking responsibility and this is the best thing that person can do. To me, there is no such thing that great villain or best villain, something like improving yourself to be better villain cause being a villain is literally comes from choosing to not improving yourself to be better person. People dont choose to be evil or bad, they learn all bad things from their environment. They just simply dont choose to be better person and thats the flaw of "villains" have. Choosing to do wrong things usually comes from lack of goodness, lack of empathy.

Like, Overhaul was abandonded and traumatized by it. He was used  as a tool by Yakuza. They used a child. And Overhaul became a yakuza and he truly wanted to pay his boss for taking him in. But what makes overhaul “bad” guy is not choosing to be yakuza cause he was groomed to be, his flaw was choosing to not changing. He could’ave emphatize with his underlings and could connect with them. He could emphatize with Eri cause Eri is just like her, she was abandoned and taken by Yakuza. Overhaul went to school and had people around him, instead of obsessing with past, he could open himself to new people. he could gain new different perspectives, he could at least try. Overhaul didnt suddenly decide to destroy little girl, he learnt those horrible things from Yakuza but when he could choose to be better person, he didnt.

There is a reason that Shigaraki is meant to be parallel with him. Unlike Overhaul, Shigaraki didnt go to school and he didnt have people around him, he was isolated but when he met with other people, he chose to care, listen their needs.

This shows that Shigaraki choosing to change but there are villains who doesnt want to change. I dont know that what kind of person Overhaul would be, if he had better life or if he could ever change for better but for now, he doesnt seem to want to change and story didnt give any hint about it.

There is a reason that some characters get redemption but some do not. The characters/villains who dont get redemption or who dont want to change is not cool or “loyalty to their evil cure” or something like that. They are people who choose easy ways cause redemption means taking responsibility and trying to be better person, improving yourself as person is not easy at all.

Murder is bad, wrong, yes but we all are humans equally and people dont just suddenly decide to doing worst thing. And sometimes, people dont have too much choices, sometimes they can be in hard situtions, sometimes they do things to survive, many reason can be, we cant know that. So yes, murder is bad but that doesnt mean that murderer is bad person.

The thing that many people ignore is anyone could do those horrible things. Lets say, you are in hunger game. If you dont kill, other person will kill you. Many people would choose to kill. Or lets say, if you dont kill, they will your family or you are hungry and if you cant kill that person, you wont get food. blah blah. Point is what importance is not the degree of crime.

Most important thing is How aware is the perpetrator of what he is doing? Under what conditions did he make this choice? when and where did he make this choice?

Abuse, rape, murder. These things are all bad things (i wont talk about rape cause i dont have enough information about it cause it mihgt relate a lot of things.).

For example, Endeavour abused his family, Shigaraki killed people. Many people wouldnt care abuse or bullying cause “its not like they died”, most people tell them to get over it and they ignore all the effects of abuse. (This is actually what bnha focus on. Abuse.) Well, of course killing is pretty bad though.

Now, we can ask the questions.

-What Endeavour did?

Violence towards his family

When Endeavour made this decision?

He was grown man, basically when he was an adult, an age that you are responsible for your actions cause you can see the difference between right and wrong and you are capable of holding yourself

Under what conditions did he make this choice? 

He did work so hard to be No 1 hero but he failed, um, he has money, access to a lot of things, good education so of course, when you worked hard and you dont get results, you will be so upset, it would be hard. But we can say that Endeavour wasnt even really in hard sitution at all.

What kind of choices he made?

He chose his ambitions over well being of his family. So basically he made very selfish decision with his own will for the sake of selfish desires and it resulted with other people’s getting hurt and Endeavour didnt even care about that.

How this selfish decision affect other people?

His wife became unstable and stayed in hospital for 15 years, she is still in there

Shouto lost his all childhood, he was traumatized and still having flashbacks from his trauma

Fuyumi had to act like a parent since her young age, Natsuo has anger issues cause of all this stuff

Touya/Dabi literally dealing with mental issues, identify disorder cause of abuse effects

So basically, Endeavour is fully responsible for what he did.

Btw for the people who dont know, this is a crime in real life, he should be arrested but look at what he got. He decided to change, like 6 months ago or something. Except of his hero job, he apologised and left the house for them and thats it. Rei and Fuyumi already is ready forgive him cause Rei wants his children to be happy cause Endeavour took that hapinness from them, Fuyumi just wants happy normal family cause Endeavour took that normal family life from her, Shouto is forcing himself to forgive cause to be able to be hero, he needs to work with his father and his all family wants this. From people’s eyes, Natsuo seems “someone who couldnt get over past” just because he didnt forgive his father or just because he didnt act like nothing happenned, he gets social pressure from it. This probably didnt happen, if Endeavour wasnt prohero.

Now, lets look at Shigaraki.

What Shigaraki did?

Murder, kidnap, threatinning, violent behaviours without hesitations

When Shigaraki made this decision?

Lets look at how it all started.

When Shigaraki chose to kill people?

when he was 5 years old? when he was 7-8 years old when Afo manipulate him to kill people? or when he became an adult and continuing this murder?

Point here is; children cant be responsible for crimes for a reason cause they dont have ability to understand what is right what is wrong.

so when he killed his family; it was accident except his father.

But with his father, it was self defense. Many people want to believe that it was intentional but its not, his father hit him and he reacted to violence, thats it. There is also other fact that children can not able to hold theirselves, especially like when you just watched all your family s death in front of your eyes.

So, logically he can not be responsible for his family’s death.

When he was 7-8 years old, Shigaraki is making a decision here and from this moment, he continues the murder but what kind of decision he is making? Under what conditions did he make this choice?

He was traumatized and he is dealing with abuse effects, his anger, negative feelings that he has no idea to how to deal with, he didnt get any education, he doesnt have people who will give him a different choice or people who wil give him some kind of affection, he is literally with Afo all alone, isolated, dont know what to do, doesnt know what is right and Afo says him “you have two choices”

1- suffer lonely forever like this while others are having fun but just you know, you will be disappointed for me-the person who saved you, if you stay like this

2- destroy anything you dont like and make me proud

This didnt happen right when he was 7-8,

Shigaraki is with Afo since he was 5, he listened those words for years and he hold himself back. Then the decision Shigaraki make was first one, he hold himself, until the moment holding himself is not an option. This is why he became a murder. Let me remind you, he was 7-8 so he still wasnt responsible for killing at that age.

so you can say, now Shigaraki became an adult so he can choose but we all know that people dont grow, if they dont have a chance to grow.

People kill to survive, this is not to justify murder, this is understanding of that sometimes some people can not really make choice in some situtions.

If a person is not given growth conditions, children cannot grow.

Shigaraki may have grown biologically, but mentally, he was not given the opportunity to grow. What makes us humans human is our interaction with other people.

If we do not interact with anyone, we lose our identity or in the case of Shigaraki, our personality does not occur. If Shigaraki has not grown, how can he be considered an adult?

We know that many terrible events such as trauma and violence can cause long-term damage to people's brains regarding mental health. So, how can Shigaraki's trauma be responsible for what she does, given his mental health?

We know that it is impossible not to lose mental balance in conditions of Shigaraki, it is impossible to grow, it is impossible to protect his mind against manipulation at the age of a child. So how exactly could Shigaraki cope in these conditions?

This is the problem. He cant not be able to handle it. Impossible.

You might say you could choose not to kill, but while the only adult who was with him showed him that it was true, and how he could otherwise deal with these feelings he had accumulated in him, what else could Shigaraki do?

Shigaraki kills without hesitation because killing is all he knows, the only thing he has been taught.

That's why Shigaraki's interaction with his team is important because it was the first time in his life that he met different opinions and people.

So he started to heal throughout the series. He chose to improve, to be a better person. So this character can get redemption.

And he feels guilty about what he does, but he does not show it by crying, he shows treating his own life as nothing and harming himself. Shigaraki may have begun to develop herself, but it does not mean that his trauma will cure magicly and he will suddenly getting away from Afo manipulation, he cant because he still hasn't given her another choice. No one was able to show him another way to survive both without suffering and having to kill. That's why it's important for a hero to reach out him.

Yes, Shigaraki killed a lot of people and they didnt deserve it, of course but whether he killed one person or killed million people, he had no choice. Everyone wants this character to pay the price because they want to blame someone for those much death, whereas like Afo and Ujiko who made Shigaraki suffer, those who choose not to reach Shigaraki when they can reach like Gran Torino etc, are more responsible than Shigaraki for what they did because they choose. But Shigaraki is just putting into practice what he has been taught, thats all he knows.So people really want to blame someone, they should blame people who could do something about it but choosing not to, they could blame the people who hurt this kid for their selfish reasons, they shouldnt blame the kid who is just reacting his pain cause he doesnt have a choice, he is not making a decision and people REACT.

Shigaraki can not understand his actions of how he effect other people / effect of his actions cause he is hardly be able to see them as an indiviluas, thats what happens, when you live your life as isolated. Shigaraki cant care other people s life while his own life was treated as worthless, they literally ignored his pain, even when he was a child. Shigaraki cant emphatize with people in society who have good lifes cause he never felt a safety his all life, there is no way he can understand their comfort. So basically, in those conditions, its not that Shigaraki doesnt want to emphatize with them, he CANT.

(This is why he asked Deku cause he is trying to understand at least to be able to improve himself for better which is the most important thing).

This is why people like Afo, Ujiko, Hero commity, Endeavour, they are worse than people like Shigaraki, Dabi, Hawks, Toga etc cause those people who created these “monsters” with their full will for the sake of their selfish desires. They are more responsible for monster’s actions than monsters casue they are the one who groomed them, rebuild their mindset.

That was also the subject of the Frankeinstein story. The monster may have killed a lot of people, but who created the monster? How does the monster become guilty when there are people who can teach him the truth, but don't choose to teach it, while the monster doesn't know what it's doing is right and wrong? However, he was not taught better. So how can he choice better, if  he hasnt taught better? HE CANT.

As many as people want, may think Shigaraki is making a choice right now and that he's a bad guy, but in those circumstances, it was impossible for Shigaraki to choose a better option.

What do you expect to happen when you close someone in a room for years, stop him from talking to people and subject him to constant violence?

Do you think that person will not react to this violence?

Do you expect that person to behave like human while that person lives away from all kinds of human conditions?

Under these conditions, it is nonsense to expect better than Shigaraki.

In other words,

murder is apparently worse than violence, but an adult like Endeavor, who chooses exactly what he is doing without caring about the harm to other people, is fully responsible for what he does. Shigaraki, on the other hand, cannot really be held responsible for what she did, as it is impossible to act otherwise under these conditions.

So i understand that people are upset with death of people which is normal, those people who were killed by Shigaraki didnt deserve it at all but people need to understand that Shigaraki didnt have better choice, path than this. People say “this doesnt justify” cause they are scared of that the person will get away from what he did but point here is he doesnt get away from anything, he is victim whose all choices and humanity taking away from him so treating this victim as villain who just should defeated is NOT justice. If people want to blame someone, they should blame the people who are TRULY responsible for this, not the victim whose humanity stolen from him. Thats the point here.

By the way, not everyone has to be like Shigaraki. Shigaraki is already a character designed to be the ultimate victim. The reason it parallels with Deku is not because they are both heirs, but because they are both essentially the same kind child. But not everyone could be this kind, they could react worse and they might not have adapted to change that much. Shigaraki is just a tragic example of even you are the kindest person in the world, in terrible conditions, you would be just like Shigaraki or probably worse. He is a tragedy character, symbolize the victimhood that shows untentionally with most unpleasant ways. (Toga, Dabi, Shigaraki etc they all symbolize effects of violence though, they are not choosing a decision but actually just reacting the violence they endured, thats all, maybe i can make analysis about it later.)

Redemption is not about deserving or not. It's about wanting to be a better person but facing your creations or not. And if a villain receives redemption, it already shows that he has this potential from the very beginning, potential to be a good person, actually he was not as bad as that was thought, that is. Well at least, well-written redemptions work like this. In other words, villains such as Joker or Ujiko that will not receive redemption have nothing to admire. Choosing to be a villain until the end of your life is not something to be proud of, it is something to be ashamed of, because this is proof that you don't want to improve yourself.

I was just gonna say “i agreed” and make it short but i guess, i am kinda bored and this post became my rant, lol. Thank you anon btw.

#endeavour #shigaraki tomura #child abuse #abuse #bnha abuse #shimura tenko #mha redemption #anon

[safebubblebycyg]

just imagine if draco had fangs:

♡ he would try so hard to hide them

♡ he'd keep his head down during meals, cover his mouth when he had to talk, and didnt smile

♡ which worked until pansy got nosey

♡ pansy one day tackled draco in the common room, pinned his hands down, and tickled him

♡ draco tried to bite his lip and hide his teeth but he really couldnt hold back his laughter

♡ pansy never beamed so bright, "HOLY SHIT DRAY, YOU HAVE FA-" "shush!!!"

♡ after pansy found out draco BEGGED her to not tell anyone, to which she complied

♡ well, not exactly

♡ she told blaise, and blaise laughed so hard and proceeded to call draco a vampire for a week

♡ "have you ever given someone a hickey?" pansy had asked one day. dracos face flushed as he shook his head "well you're clearly crushing on potter, you should give him one" "oH MY- PANSY"

♡ but when all fun and games was done, blaise and pansy were SO protective

♡ seriously, draco almost never got picked on, simply because pansy knew a mean jelly legs jinx and blaise's slug vomiting hex was brutal

♡ and this tactic worked painfully well, until harry, hermione, and ron came along

♡ WOW WERE THEY PAINFULLY PERSISTENT

♡ "c'mon, i wanna talk to draco, not his bodyguards" "bug off, potter"

♡ truth was, harry had fallen HARD for the blonde and he was desperate to talk to him. but literally no one except pansy and blaise had ever heard him speak before

♡ ron and hermione were only bugging them because they were sick and tired of hearing harry swoon over a boy he had never met "his eyes are so bright! they're such a pretty gray and practically sparkle in the sun" "harry. we're trying to do pOTIONS HOMEWORK"

♡ but pansy wasnt budging and neither was blaise. until draco stepped in.

♡ harry, hermione, and ron had approached the three one day after class and before pansy could say another, draco waved softly at them. harry could have sworn part of his soul melted away. blaise almost peed himself before he nearly screeched "uHm, excuse me mister malfoy have you possibly forgotten a certain something???" draco rolled his eyes and walked up to the three, holding out his hand to shake. hermione moved first, shaking his hand and grinning "hermione granger" draco nodded. ron and harry stood frozen. ron was still amazed that draco had walked over to the trio while harry was amazed at dracos overall existence. harry was painfully in love.

♡ from that point on, draco and his friends spent as much time as possible with the golden trio. sure, draco and harry were the closest, but they all were still really close. you would often find hermione and pansy tucked away in the library doing homework or blaise and ron plotting a prank against someone. draco and harry tended to stay in one of their dorms, cuddled agaisnt each other, reading aloud a book. harry tended to be the one reading aloud, considering the fact that draco mumbled when he spoke. when the six of them were together, it usually was pretty calm. they were just enjoying each other's presence. occasionally ron would start plotting a prank against a ravenclaw who bumped into him in the hallway, but that only lasted so long before pansy convinced him that a tickling hex was stupid

♡ while they spent all this time together, draco hid his fangs surprisingly well

♡ he didnt speak much, covered his mouth when he laughed, and ate with his head down

♡ and this worked until hermione approached him and demanded answers

♡ draco, startled, rushed away in tears

♡ he ran to pansy and blaise and asked them what to do. they gave draco the answer he really didnt wanna hear; tell her the truth

♡ so draco decided to fess up to the golden trio

♡ he invited them all for a study session in his dorm room, and reluctantly gave them a toothy grin

♡ ron screamed like a girl, hermione gasped, and harry's jaw dropped

♡ draco began to regret it before hermione screeched "I KNEW IT" and everyone laughed

♡ ron, much like blaise, assumed he was a vampire and proceeded to call him count draco for a week. hermione simply made him answer endless questions "how long have you had them, are you actually a vampire, is there a reason for them, do you have to change your diet?" "uh..."

♡ harry just giggled "is this why you have a lisp?"

♡ draco was immensely grateful for the support, well, he was until one of them let it slip to seamus who told dean who told neville who told luna who told ginny...yeah everyone knew by the end of the day

♡ which is how draco gained a fanclub

♡ yeah. you heard me. he had a fanclub. he had a group of at least 10 girls following him at all times asking him for a smile or to bite them

♡ and this went on for about a week or so before, in front of the entirety of the great hall, harry slammed him against a wall and kissed him

♡ "HELL YEAH, POWERMOVE!!" -pansy

♡ no one ever asked draco to bite them again. except harry

♡ "have you ever bit your tongue?"

♡ "hey dray~" "potter go away, im not going to bite you again"

♡ i forgot to mention the unfortunate fact that draco still had a fan club

♡ pansy was in said fan club

♡ "harry! kiss me!" draco spoke quickly as he ran into the library one day. his fan club had been following him all day, this was usually the only way he could shake them off; harry and him making-out. harry happily obliged and pulled draco into a soft kiss. eventually the two heard frustrated huffs and a mumble of 'he does this every time' as the group left. draco pulled back and grinned. he did do it every time, and it worked every time, too

♡ "OW!" "what? what happened?" "...i bit my tongue..."

♡ draco may not drink blood, but he did eat LOTS of meat, so much so, the house elves put extra stakes on the slytherin table every dinner

♡ once, blaise and ron pinned draco down and dropped blood down his throat (how they got it, draco was too disturbed to ask)

♡ draco swallow it and blaise went ballistic "COUNT DRACOULA!! COUNT DRAY!!" he had screamed before draco cut him off "BLAISE!! stop it! fine, ill admit it, im half vampire. but i dont drink blood and dont have venom in my fangs. i just will eat anything!" blaise flushed "so no count dracoula?"

♡ eventually, draco coughed up that he was half vampire to pansy, hermione, and harry

♡ they all were chill about it, assuming that from the beginning

♡ harry was cuddled up against draco once when they boy sighed and pulled out a raw chicken with his pocket

♡ "draco. you cant stock raw meat in your pockets, youll smell!"

♡ draco still did it anyway

not quite sure where this idea came from but i kinda like vampy dray

#harry x draco #drarry #yer a wizard harry #hogwarts #harry potter #gay #draco is baby #boyfriend #slytherin

[aardvaark]

i know everyone gets mad at judy for always checking things like whats happening in the police precinct with the crimes or talking to detectives about those cases and all. i can totally see why jen and all are having a problem with that (steve is technically another example but he can - and lowkey did - die in a hole). it does look dodgy and weird and the situation is stressful for her (”her” being jen - from now on im just gonna refer to jen bc ew steve, so yeah sorry).

i mean i dont like that jen was still being rude or speaking to her like a child except worse and more angrily. she was condescending. but i do understand, at least, the fear resulting in anger at judy.

but ive been thinking about it, and i think the reason judy has a hard time sticking out of these issues is probably because she has previously had to solve every single issue shes experienced alone, when she was young. and she had to be constantly aware - has someone noticed my mother isnt going to school events? has someone noticed that im cooking and cleaning for myself? has someone noticed im tired and stressed? because if a teacher finds out, theyre going to do something, and i dont want to upset my mother because im sure somewhere deep down she really does care and love me sometimes. i dont want to upset anyone at all. 

you’d fear massive changes in your life - everything needs to stay the same, even if its not stable, theres a kind of makeshift stability in constant instability. in always having to manage a crisis. theres steps, theres a mental checklist, theres things to do. she probably thought change would still be worse than this; a total upheaval in the short-term. no guarantee of stability in the future. as things were, she had the guarantee of instability, but it was still a guarantee. 

she’d have to just reason that she could cope with anything. its what i always hear about kids in neglectful or abusive situations, its a pattern i think a lot of us have experienced: “you’re so mature for your age!” / “you’re special (or smart)” / “you’re so grown up!” / “you’re so responsible!” / “you’re sorry kind and sympathetic to your peers!”. this isnt meant to hurt, it doesnt necessarily hurt, its often from other adults who have no idea whats happening. but the behavior theyre seeing is more along the lines of: quiet, constantly alert, anxious, sad, upset, fearful. 

[imo, theres a harmful misconception that quiet/stressed/rarely happy = growing up, becoming more mature. i do think its kind of awful that you’re not meant to have that child-like fascination and excitement with the world when you get older, but its true that just does often go away a little with time, completely naturally. but it can also be harmful to make that A Thing, because childhood depression and anxiety or experiencing potentially traumatic or otherwise stressful and upsetting situations can also lead to showing similar signs - just faster, earlier. and these can be misread as just being very mature for your age. but thats a separate issue i have with the world, lol.]

anyway, so shes found the only option is to hide the problems and present as totally fine. make excuses. lie. keep secrets. these behaviours have stuck with her, too. and so would the feeling that there is constant danger. she must know what the exact extent of the danger is at all times because she must monitor everything. she needs to be on the lookout for threats, because there are always threats. she has to check, be responsible, no one is going to help her, theres an order to the disorder, theres a way to manage the chaos and only she knows how because this is just another crisis. her average state, a day-in-the-life of judy hale.

shes always had to do that, in the context of her growing up. but although its the same feeling of stress, its a different context now, and that behaviour is a lot more suspicious in this situation. especially now, because shes an adult. and now shes not alone in the stressful environment, other people (eg jen w/the murder) want and need a say in how problems are being sorted out. and jen is kinda right, you know, you cant go around checking in with the police, it looks pretty odd. judys form of crisis management isnt applicable here, but judy doesnt really think about that, shes thinking about how best to keep herself safe. and thats how she thinks she is going to be safe, because thats what has worked. in fact, she was doing it because she wants jen to be safe, too. 

shes doing the best she can with what she has, but her childhood was terrible and she never had the opportunity to form normal, more effective, adult-life socially applicable crisis management skills. all she did get was what she had to do as a child, to protect herself in a horribly twisted way, because she was a child who did not get to grow up in the way everyone else did. she missed out on a lot of things that you gain when youre not under extreme pressure just to survive and hide major problems while also having to live with those major problems. she didnt get to learn how to find more subtle ways of getting information, or when it was better to just not interact at all. 

what she learnt let her live back then, it prevented her world from unravelling. how can she be expected to let go of those makeshift survival skills? how can she be expected to go against the instincts that have clearly saved her before? how can she be expected to confront her slowly growing understanding that her life should never have been like that, that she was robbed of her childhood, that she has had a horrible thing happen to her, that countless horrible things have happened to her, how can she be expected to accept that she deserved better than she has ever gotten? how can she be expected to allow herself all these feelings and fears she has been pushing down her entire life?

admitting/realising that she doesnt know what to do, that she isnt safe and cant control the situation by herself, means admitting far too much: it means admitting that she was never meant to be capable of coping by herself, that she actually couldnt cope with literally everything life threw her way no matter what - shes not okay, she didnt have some supernatural ability to somehow deal with everything, and she wasnt supposed to. that her mother knowingly put her in an unsafe situation, and she was not meant to just learn how to cope.

i dont think jen does or really truly can currently realise that, but i hope she starts to see that if she learns more about judy’s mom and all... she definitely didnt get that judy was stressed and actually doing what she thought was great, and also that what she has been doing isnt out of naivety or something, but kind of the opposite - more like she knows too much, has been too exposed, and now shes just applying those things here but it doesnt work here.

#dead to me #dead to me meta #idk what im talking about #sorry if this is incoherent #or repetitive #i sort of went away and came back a bit #maybe it doesnt make sense or sounds wrong but i promise i had an idea lol #maybe ill summarise later #judy hale #jen harding #dtm #dtm s2 spoilers #dtm s2 #dead to me season 2 #steve wood #i hate steveeee #i might be projecting #buuuuuut #emotional abuse #neglect

[doctorguilty]

alright here’s how I’d rewrite Infinite and ergo some of the plot points of the games story.. it  got long i got a little carried away lol........................ 

Infinite’s name probably isn’t that before he becomes a tool of destruction thing but I don’t care all that much to name him something else rn 

he also doesn’t have a sword because that’s really not necessary and I don’t know how to make that relevant at all 

forget the mercenary thing because it makes no sense that he was “hired” by eggman and that’s also boring. The jackal squad is a nomadic, robin hood type group that steals from bad folks to help other animal people villages in need 

to make character relationships.. matter a little bit more, OC is a long time childhood friend of Infinite and they still see one another a decent amount despite the jackals moving around

I don’t really care how or why the phantom ruby exists in fact I’m just realizing there’s a huge discontinuity because according to the COMIC it just.. existed arbitrarily like a chaos emerald, but according to the GAME it seems to be something Eggman fabricated, since there’s “prototypes” in play??? hm hm okay you know what I’m feeling ambitious let’s make both make sense. There is one true phantom ruby that exists, eggman finds it, where ever I don’t care. some legend about, this ruby can bring your ultimate fantasies to life! EXCEPT you need to have, idk, a good heart, a heart of gold, to use it and eggman doesnt have that so he can see the illusion of his empire but it wont become reality 

eggman thinks okay well, maybe if I fabricate copies of it I can make a version that will work, which I reckon doesn’t make them “prototypes’ anymore but just, copies, but close enough. however, they still don’t work 

now cut to jackal squad raiding eggman for his cool shit. maybe they catch wind about this whole “bring your fantasies to life” power and want to use it for good and they know eggmans vibes are rancid. in any case the jackals make off with a ruby (a FAKE one uh oh!) but not without infinite losing an eye and gaining one big unsightly scar from a fight w/ eggman and he’s like Shook about that but he’s like hm well at least I stopped that terrible guy from harnessing this power (oh no bitch u thought..) 

of course the jackals dont keep their spoils but WHO ever could be trusted with this legendary gem thing?!? oh none other than You, Original The Character, aka Infinite’s best friend .............. so he gives the ruby to OC and tells them like, idk allegedly this can make ur dreams come true but I don’t know how it works...oh my eye? yeah I sure used to have two of those but dont worry about it, anyway ttyl stay fresh  *saunters off, jackaly* 

because the fake!ruby is.. fake, it just seems to be a dud at first so OC just hangs onto it as a keepsake 

eggman, pissed about his shit getting stolen and worried what could be done with it sends robots out to hunt down infinite, kidnap him, and drag him back to eggman’s base and demand the fake!ruby back. infinite naturally refuses to tell him anything especially at the cost of putting OC in danger, so he’s like, blow it out your ass

eggman is like HAHA WELL U DUMB SHIT you stole a fake anyway and I have the real one right here.. he uses the ruby to suddenly spawn a bunch of robots and infinite braces himself for the attack... except they go right through him because they’re just illusions. eggman is like FUCK !! DAMMIT! WHY WONT THIS SHIT WORK!! Infinite uses eggman’s tantrum time to rush in to snatch the ruby. when infinite touches it as its in eggman’s hand, however, all the illusion robots become “real” (probably conveying this through effects/opacity), taking them both by surprise. infinite is unable to take the ruby before getting hit with a full force attack from a robot 

infinite is incapacitated and eggman grins,  like, inch resting...................... you seem to be able to make the ruby work... I will now use you for malicious purposes >:) (cut to black) 

NOW when Infinite is in the tube, 1) he already has his mask because the scene with him putting it on and monologueing about abandoning his old identity is unnecessary, it’s more symbolic here, 2) he’s amnesic and I know we did that with shadow already and I don’t mean to overuse it, but I think it works well enough in a different way for this story! Shadow had some fragments of memories and an identity crisis, but with Infinite, his memory is completely wiped (or perhaps suppressed?) and his only understanding of himself is that he was “created” to work for eggman. Even MORE importantly! the stakes are raised because of Infinite’s relationship to the OC--Infinite cannot remember them which makes attacking them a lot more heart wrenching ESPECIALLY when we get to a point where OC begins to recognize their brainwashed best friend using one of the (apparently) very same rubies given to OC to try to destroy them with

this also adds more tension to all the scenes where Infinite is taunting and threatening OC on a quite personal , rivalry-like level? Infinite would, over time, begin to get an inexplicable sense of familiarity with OC, which causes him to hesitate and hold back 

oh and as for the fake!ruby, OC does use it to defend himself just like the first time! it ends up being successfully activated because OC shows a strong will to protect the other civilians. if you haven’t caught on to my cheese, both OC and Infinite have hearts of gold and thats why they can use the rubies. eggman is cheating though by fusing Infinite to the ruby and using him as a proxy for his bad will..... and again, coming back to the cheese, Infinite’s heart cannot be changed and he is not truly “evil” so that’s like, how this is working 

I’m way too lazy to fix everything scene by scene because there’s also just SO MUCH wrong with all the other characters and plot but I’m just focusing on fixing Infinite and making him more interesting so I’m skipping to the end..  

I’m not entirely sure how I’d order the bosses and what I’d wanna do with the eggman robot phases  the whole things was a big mess............I kinda wanna go with what I THOUGHT was going to happen after beating up giant robot thing and then that squid robot breaks out??? and I thought it was going to be Infinite cause that would be much more dramatic? So lets go with that---When Eggman says like, well fuck infinite who needs him? i harnessed the power of the ruby into my robot, he means he literally trapped Infinite in it like, wired up and shit to use him like a power generator. fucked up. Infinite breaks out after that phase of the battle, and he’s like, in so much pain and glitched out on overclocked energy he cant even control what he’s doing.... commence TRUE final boss battle (it can still be a tagteam with sonic), and it’s sad and dramatic! OC pleads (or I reckon sonic, maybe the other heroes too since they talk during fights! like since OC doesnt talk) infinite to remember his true self because they dont want to destroy him 

once you’ve depleted his health bar, I’m going to go ahead and use the game’s weird addition of quicktime events to fuel more cheesiness (B/C THIS IS SONIC...WHY DID THEIR “POWER OF FRIENDSHIP” MORAL END ON SUCH A BLAND, UNEMOTIONAL NOTE IN FORCES??? shadow didnt fall to his (alleged) death in sa2 for this..............) and you quicktime OC HUGGING Infinite, like jumping towards him and grabbing him in an embrace type of thing! and when OC makes contact with the ruby, it activates, making all the probably hostile glitchy  battle terrain or whatever dissipate, infinite stops being like.. idk lookin like he’s being electrocuted, and his mask fades away .. exposing Infinite as his true self once again 

the in between the lines intent here, again since OC doesn’t talk, is that OC’s fantasy was to bring Infinite back so they could be together again. you’re welcome to interpret that as romantic, or platonic, it doesn’t matter! it’s open ended! it’s just supposed to be cute!  

idk and then emotional stuff, I’m not entirely sure what it doesn’t really matter the idea is that Infinite is like, remorseful of what happened but everyone ofc forgives him because it’s not his fault , and then he joins up with with everyone to help fix the world! hmm I’m torn between Infinite keeping the true phantom ruby or giving it to the OC, like giving it to the OC makes sense, but for the sake of like, hypothetically bringing Infinite back in a future game and having special powers, it would be perfect if he kept it and that was his thing, he uses the power of virtual reality to help people and fight evil and whatever  

I dont know I guess there’s not a lot of sense in thinking too hard since I just remembered none of this is canon whatsoever and we’re probably not seeing Infinite again unless as a stock evil thing to beat up like metal sonic 8′) 

I have no idea who i wrote this for I guess myself! Idk if anyone else played forces or cares or w/e but! if you DO happen to be someone who read this and cares about it omg well like feel free to! comment and tell me what you think!!!  this was all very stream of thought

#seth speaks #save tag #so i dont lose this in case i wanna come back to it

[itstheapocalypsebaby]

TUA Power HCs Part 1!

Luther

Discovered them at age 3 (He was the first)

He accidentally broke one of their nannies fingers

Had trouble controlling his strength (still does)

For personal training Reginald first made him build up his body

Because just cause he had incredible strength, didnt mean his body could take said strength

He used to accidentally break his arms when he used too much strength

They always healed fast though

As if they never broke to begin with

Baby Luther used to hide the fact that he broke/sprained/bruised his arms, legs, basically any part of his body because he felt like a failure whenever he got hurt

Later in life (maybe at 10?) Reginald discovers that Luther not only is super strong but also had super endurance

(Special Training was not fun that year, Reginald wanted to see how long he could last without food, water, air, shelter, etc.)

After that year, special training was a mix between building up his strength (weight lifting heavier and heavier objects every week) and building up his endurance (running around the room carrying a crap ton of weights, carrying a really really heavy weight and Reginald seeing how long he could carry it before his body gave out)

Diego

They first discovered his ability to breathe underwater first

Diego unlike his sibling absolutely adored bath time as a child

He would stay in the tub for hours if he could

One time his nanny had to leave him in the tub because one of his siblings was having a tantrum

She comes back to a sleeping Diego

Who's asleep in the tub

submerged in water

Was lowkey jealous of his siblings' powers while growing up

Reginald was so disappointed in him for having such a "useless ability"

Poor baby took it into heart :(

Special Training was awful before he found out his secondary power

Reginald wanted to see how long Diego could last underwater (he discovers Diego could last an indefinite amount of time down there)

He stopped liking water after that

He finds out about his secondary power at age 6

He likes to help Grace in cooking and usually cuts up the vegetables for her

He gets really good with the knife

So when Reginald demands he learns to wield a weapon he immediately chooses the knife

At first its was all stabby stabby but then one of his siblings goads him enough to rashly throw the knife at them

His aim is perfect. The knife is sailing through the air, going exactly where he wants it to be, except he wanted it to be in their head and oh god Diego panics, he didnt mean to throw that knife he never meant to hurt his siblings and he loves them and -

The knife is sailing towards his sibling's head and then it suddenly curves

Diego runs up to his sibling and hugs them and apologizes

Diego never wanted to pick up a knife after that

But then through some persuasion (Allison), he forgets the incident and picks it up again

Special training is all about accuracy and precision. All about moving targets, really tiny targets, living targets

Reginald wanted to know how much he could curve, what could he curve and all that jazz

Diego learns Physics because its an absolute must

(He learns how hard he has to throw for it to curve that much, how fast it needs to be to keep in the air even after it curves, how heavy should the knife be if he wants this specific result)

At first its hard and because he can curve anything he likes through pure instinct why does he need to learn Math?

But Reginald wants him to be as accurate as possible

(He motivates Diego by putting Mom and his siblings in situations where one false error could lead to their deaths)

He learns physics quickly

(Five and him bond over physics, Five helps him, He helps Five until Five gets too advanced and well...)

He actually gets super good and can do equations on the fly

People are constantly surprised at the amount of math needed for his powers

Allison

as a kid had absolutely no control on when her powers would activate

it would activate all the time leading to a lot of accidents

one time she snapped at Klaus to stop talking and he couldnt speak until she was able to reverse it

Reginald decided the best way for her to control it was through trigger phrases

she went through a lot of them because it wasnt cool enough for her

there was "listen up", "somebody once told me" (someone always interrupted her, usually Klaus, with the world was gonna roll me so she dropped it after like 3 uses) and a bunch more before settling on the iconic™ "I heard a rumor'

early on she learned that she had to be very precise with the wording or else the rumor wouldnt turn out the way she wanted it to

so special training was mainly focused on her wording, her pronunciation, and her learning other languages

allison is fluent in italian, french, spanish, mandarin, filipino, somali, she also can speak in a bunch of other languages but isnt super fluent

allison was actually pretty ok with special training until she was 10

thats when reggie brought in actual real life people

until that point she had only rumored her siblings (reginald actively encouraged it as long as he wasnt the one who got rumored) and occasionally the businessmen who came over to talk deals and shit

reggie was smart and only brought in people he was sure no one would miss, homeless hobos, drug addicts, people who lived by themselves and didnt have much family or any family at all

at first few meetings, she could stomach the feeling of wrongness

it was still easy for her to reason that what she was doing wasnt really wrong after all the commands she was issuing were really mild (like i heard a rumor you stubbed your toe, i heard a rumor you could play the piano perfectly)

they were just testing the reach of her powers

(could it rewrite your brain? create illusions, hallucinations? make you gain talents you never had? make you feel things?)

(reginald already knew her rumors could affect the memory, no need to test that, same thing with if her rumors could affect herself)

but then the more they pushed the boundaries the darker the rumors, the harder it was to stomach this sense of wrongness that threatened to swallow her whole

(could it override survival instincts? could it fake relationships? could it wreck relationships? can the human mind take multiple rumors at once? how about multiple conflicting rumors? how many rumors does it take to break the mind?)

its a lot easier to deal with special training when you cant remember

(but in her dreams she cant forget, she wakes up screaming, absolutely terrified and cant remember why)

Klaus

at first thought everyone could see the ghosts

actually he thought they werent ghosts cos they didnt appear to him with their death injuries

realized they were dead people when he accidentally walked through them

at first the ghosts were ok (they were mostly the nannies vanya killed so they were nice) they were loud and sobbed really really loud all the time but they didnt actively seek him and so he didnt actively seek them either

he still didn't like his powers even back then when they werent as bad as they are now

since he didnt really have any interest in his powers, reginald forced him to use them more, to explore them

klaus really didn't want to talk to any ghost so Reginald locks klaus into the mausoleum for the first time

this is where everything goes to shit btw

Klaus is absolutely terrified because these ghosts arent like the ghosts in the mansion (the nannies)

these ghost were malicious and horrible and they were dead for so long that they lost any sense of self or humanity in them

this is where klaus develops his fear of the ghost and his powers

this is where klaus loses a grip on his powers and it causes horrible repercussions

he sees the way they died now

and it terrifies him even more

from ages 8 to 11 hes facing the full force of his powers whenever hes trapped in the mausoleum

every session his fear gets worse and worse

the ghosts appearance actually reflects on how he feels about them actually

thats why ben and dave dont look awful

and why the rest of the ghost do

klaus loves ben and dave

he's absolutely terrified of the rest of them

he discovers that drugs numb their abilities when one of them gets hurt badly during training and is on really heavy pain medication

maybe it Five who broke 5 ribs when sparring because luther forgot to control his strength

Five couldn't jump at all when he was on those meds and he hated it

but Klaus? the moment he put two and two together he jumped at the opportunity to temporarily get rid of his powers

he would purposely get super banged up during training just to get rid of his powers and it scared the living shit out of his siblings

they ask him to stop and he does, he doesnt like it when he scares his siblings

but the ghosts get too much and klaus is severely tempted to fuck himself up to get that sweet relief that the pain meds provide

he stumbles upon Reggies alcohol cabinet and discovers that while getting drunk doesnt exactly cut off his powers it gives him this buzz that makes it a lot more bearable

he discovers drugs when he sneaks out one night to get more booze

he starts off with weed and gets hooked

the ghosts are always worse after coming down so he scrambles to get high as soon as possible

he doesnt try anything harder until ben dies 

after ben dies he spirals

TUA Power HCs Part 2 is coming up in a bit, ask me if you wanna get tagged for it :)

#tua #the umbrella academy #umbrella academy #tua hc #headcannons #tua luther #luther hargreeves #number one #00.01 #spaceboy #tom hopper #tua diego #diego hargreeves #number two #00.02 #the kraken #david castaneda #tua allison #allison hargreeves #number three #00.03 #the rumour #the rumor #emmy raver lampman #tua klaus #klaus hargreeves #number four #00.04 #the seance #robert sheehan

[allexmussen]

I MADE AN O.C. AND I WANT HELP TO FINE TUNE IT

World/Verse: Harry Potter Name: Malcom Limerick Age: depends on what year Gender: Male Height: 6"4 Orientation: pansexual and flirty Personality: very accepting to people, tries to be cheerful and goofy, can be very serious if need be, has a deep dislike of bullies and is quick to anger with them, tries to hide most things from friends and the like because is afraid they'll dislike them. Background: growing up Malcom had been often picked on for his height and unnatural personality. He would much rather avoid confrontation with people due to the bullying, gained the mental thought that he dint fit in and was stupid dispite his grades. He didnt exactly fit the nerd type or the jockish type. He wasnt both or punk or super outgoing in his schools. By the time he was going into 4th grade Malcom had memorized random facts to annoy the bullies because, hey, maybe they'll go away when they realize he doesnt have anything left to give? Unfortunately nothing really helped. He found ways to distance himself mentally, focus on the few sports he did-swimming, baseball, and gymnastics-, and overall blocking people away. Mid way through 4th he figured out that mental blockage wasnt going to help. Eventually kids went from bullying and harrassment to ignoring him and making sure nobody would go near him. The teachers acted as if he was a prodigy, but that cant be true! He was practically failing! By the time 5th grade reared around he had 2 concussions from being an idiot and another from a car crash. His parents fought more and his dad drank more then most parents did. He decided he needed to up his nonchalance with his attitude. He smiled more, took to acting out and annoying people so people couldn't ignore him anymore, and he did everything to make friends and stay normal. He gave up on trying for better grades and become smart for once because no matter what he was a complete idiot! His A+s slowly became Bs then barely holding on to a C. About two months in his new grade and he found another outdated kid. His name was Levi. Levi-he wasnt a good friend. But he was someone to talk to. Their conversations went from random blabbering of scientific theories to how horror films could become real. It wasnt long into the friendship did Malcom realize Levi was scary. Levi went on little tangents of how to murder someone without anyone finding out. Everytime Malcom tried to veer the conversation another way Levi caught on and brought the murderous plots full throttle. But Levi was the only one to talk to him. Everyone else hated or ignored Mapcom so they NEEDED to be friends. And honestly? Malcom was afraid of being alone. His parents fought and he stayed in his room blocking the noises if the arguments of some over do of alcohol from dad or how to make up what happened with the new car wreck dad did while drunk. He had terrifying thoughts of just dying and it going away, heck he remembers curling up outside of the house because randomly he would remember some bully or his parents fighting and everything became too much! He needed a distraction and he found one I worrying about Levi. Halfway through 5th Malcom was sure he was depressed and had thought that he was an insomniac from only starting to sleep at 3-4 in the morning. Him and Levi didnt change much besides the murder and gore becoming more realistic. That is until lunch when Malcom and Levi sit down and Levi pulls out a slightly pointed wooden knife and tries to stab Malcom. Malcom starts to panic, expecting blood to pour and slowly die. But nothing more really happened except a dull throb from the new bruise. Thank God he had on a hoodie that stopped the sharp edge. We looked up at Levi in surprise after his brain fully processes. Levi starting eating lunch after muttering that it needed to be sharper or something. A teacher later found the knife in his pocket and monitored Levi a bit. Malcom had gained a new fear of his only friend. Besides being stabbed by his friend Malcom still had horrible issues. His new teacher seemed to grow a dislike for him. He did is essays late and yeah he k ow hes going to get chewed for it. But then his teacher signs him and about 5 other males on detention during lunch and brake periods. His mom got a note and she lectured him for a while. Dad found out and had a good yell. His grades got to an even B by the end of the month when detention would start. Kids found out about the detention and that got a whole new speel of "Loser Limerchick" and other such names. And dang it Levi freaked when he realized he wouldn't see Malcom as much. Levi even fought his way to the detention area to press real close and whisper thinly veiled threats. By the end of the year Malcom had gotten friends in detention. Aeden, Logan, Liam M, Nathen T, and Harriet. They formed the male rejects and banded together for almost everything. That was except for when Levi was involved. Levi scared them off when detention was over, Levi would chase them down and threaten them, heck Levi even made sure to harshly rip Malcom away from them and sit somewhere else. School ended and everything started falling. His report card was a few A-s, Bs, and C+s. Nothing too bad but "you have to try harder" and some words of you'll eventually do better. The Male Rejects became lost in the bustle of summer and Levi moved to Ohio-promising to keep in touch and meet up later. And so summer began. It was about his birthday- August 10th-when he recieved a letter. And dang it time to go to another school! Fresh start hopefully. He was sorted into Ravenclaw-which he found utterly preposterous because he was in no way smart- and settled in relatively nicely. When he met up with Hermione in a study group friendship became instantaneous when the started rapid firing how some of the complicated spells worked and how math and literature fit into spell work. A week into the friendship he met Ron Weasley who was slightly quick to assume and Harry Potter who was slightly brash but loyal. When they became friends he vowed to never brake his wide yet fake smiles and protect them with his entire life. Best keep the trauma boss in a rapid moving river then in front of his friends. Being around Harry atracted Draco Malfoy and that sent red flags everywhere. Malcom often got between the two and in some occasions Malfoy and Malcom had gotten into rapid fire insults and the occasional fist throw. Soon the Headmistress and Albus Dumbledore got him on detention and threatened his leave. He promised to both the teachers and his friends he wouldn't hit Draci again but still that wouldn't stop the constant rebounds Nalcom would make to an insult. And that my peeps is Malcom Y. Limerick of America and Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Sorcery.

[psychopathicwriting]

one year after.

the house seems to be empty, but it feels nothing like it. There’s an uneasy tension in the air and it prickles at the skin. The feeling of failure surrounds and engulfs, but who failed exactly? 

Darkiplier is standing far too comfortably for anyones liking. There was always a certain level of unease about him, as if he was always trying to force himself to not break apart, to feel comfortable, or to appear so at least. but every twitch he made, every subtle roll of his body he made, was always obvious he was on edge. So why wasn’t he on edge now?

Indeed, it appears that Dark is too smug, too welcoming, too satisfied, for this to be a normal visit to the girls house. The furniture is all in tact, the house seems to be clean still, though there’s no sound coming from everywhere. There used to be music all the time... 

the house was cold. not that Dark would notice, but it was much colder than typically. on the couch sat in a rumpled pile a bunch of blankets. and a bunch of oddities on the coffee table. what were those? 

Dark cleared his throat, he wasn’t thinning out. he seemed ever so composed. He wasnt even monochrome... something is wrong... or maybe, just maybe, somethng had gone right for him.

Perhaps you have been wondering what ever happened to the girl in this house. Perhaps a years time without a word from her is enough to make you wonder what happened to her. But most likely, as I suspect from all of you, is that none of you care. Why would you? You never seemed to give a damn about her to begin with. In fact, as I gained more and more and more control over her you stepped aside. You let this happen.

Y o u  k i l l e d  h e r .

Oh she isn’t dead if that’s what you’re wondering. Shes alive. She sometimes eats, if I make her. She has however, gone entirely over the deep end. Her dissociation's have caused her to reach in desperation for something to ground her. Someone to keep her level. And all of you “visitors” and “friends” have done absolutely n o t h i n g but watched as I stepped in. I took care of her when no one else could. And now shes entirely in my care.

And you will probably never see her again.

Tel͏l͟ ̸them̷ ̸a͘bóut̸ ̶thę p̕o̡iso̵n̕s.

From the kitchen comes in the maniacal sociopath. The man with the same impulses to destroy everything around him and himself as the girl had. The man who seemed to be able to actually care about something if the timing was right. But in reality he didnt care about anything except seeing people being destroyed, whether by him or by the person themselves. 

He had an air of glitches around him, distorting the audio of his voice and adding other whispering voices to plant themselves entirely in the psyche of others. The inner voices being the most influencing part of him. The voices now, were whispering the same thing: failed failed shes gone now.

Patience, Antisepticeye.

No͟,́ ̀I̸ ̵hat͠e ̡y͏our͞ p͜r͜o̡lon҉g͜e͘d̢ ҉th̴ȩat͟r͝ic͡s͞.

On another day this would have proven funny, considering antisepticeye was no stranger to theatrics. But today it was just nerve wracking. What was he so excited about? What happened to the girl that made him so impatient he didn’t even want to go through the whole show of dramatisation?

Darkiplier shrugged. He didn’t really care how the audience knew how the girl broke so badly. In fact perhaps quicker was better. it allowed them to grasp even more dramatically how they once again just watched as he took control of another persons mind. If Antisepticeye wanted to rub salt into the wound telling everyone about a downward rabbit hole spiral the girl had gone into with herself and her highs, then he could do so. 

S̀hȩ alwa͞y͟s ͢li͠k̸ed͘ ҉to ͡p͞o̢i͢so̕ǹ her͡şèl͟f. S͞h͜ȩ s̵toppe̸d̷ fo͏r̸ a w͡hil͢e a͠n̡d se͞em͞eḑ t̕o͜ ̢b͏e…͞ h͝app̛y. ̸But͞ th͜an̨kf̴ully ̡t͠ha̷t did͏n͢’t l̨ast͏. It wa͘s̷ qu͜ite sick͠eni͘n͠g̀.̛ A̢nd ̛no̡w I͜ ǵet̵ t͝o҉ tȩm͜p̡t ͞h̕er,̛ a͠ǹd̶ ͞wa̢t͢c̀ḩ ͞h͜e҉r, ͝ánd̵ hel̨p̕ ͝h͝e̢r ͝poįs̕on ͞h̢e̛r̷self. ̕A̧ ͝l̛i̡t͏tle b͘it̶ o͏f whi̧t͝e̕ ̀poẃd̷er̵ h͝e͡r̴e̴ án̴d҉ ͠a ̡b͠it o̡f ͠sug̀a͏r t́h̶e̶r҉e͡…͝ ͝p̵ơp͜ a ͞p̢il҉l o̶r two͏,̀ f͏o͏rget ever̕yt̡h͢i͟n̛g͡ ̷y̡ou͘ ҉did ín ̷t͟he̢ pas̷t̵ ̛24̀ h̕ou̴r͠s͜…͞ ̴its ̨q̸uit̨e͞ me̡sme̢ri͏si͢ńg͏ r͠e͞al̴ly͢. W̴e ҉both have͏ h͡e͏r̨ ͘in͟ o̷u͡r͏ ͠cl̡ut̶c͜he̸s͢.̢ ͢A͟ńd ̧i̴t̶ś a͡ll ͏b͟ec͢a͢u͡śe̴ ͝y͘ou a͜ll ju͞st̢ diḑ nothi̡ng.͠  

We aren’t accessories. We have our own minds and thoughts and desires. So Anti will destroy her physically and mentally with the poisons he tempts her with that she cant say no to, and I’ll be right here to pick up the pieces of her shattered body and mind, and fit them together how I want, and there you have it.

T̀h̰̪̗̥̭̮̹e͙̩͢ p͉̥̰͈͍e͉͚͜r̸̜͎̙͍̱f͖ec̟̩͈͓t̳͙̟̠͙͎ l̰̬̭̮͝i͉t̸͈͇̜̜t̢̻͎͚̙l̼̯͝e͕̹͝ ̦͎͉̰̲͟t̲̱o͖̭̫͖y̸̼̮ ̜̙̞̖̫͠f͚̩͙̜͇̙o̠̺̤̗̝͡ͅr̮ ̫̖͚͖̝͈t̢̩h͓̹̞̘̟͓̪e̖̺͉͞ ̞̯͞b͏̫̖̖͇̞o҉̟̰̦̟t̴̝̼h͍̬͕̘͓ͅ ͢ǫ͈̺͕̹̠f̡̙̞̖̲̠ ̜ư̞̯ͅs̠̭̺.̡̬

Self destruction and the inability to care about your own well being is what she offers us to entertain us. And in turn, the pathetic girl doesn’t mind. She wants it. shes so numbed out she doesn’t remember what sunshine is like. She doesn’t remember what people caring about her is.

And its going to stay that way.

#the girl is me as the blog owner #the house is the blog #darkiplier #dark #markiplier #WHO KILLED MARKIPLIER #a date with markiplier #a heist with markiplier #who killed markiplier? #antisepticeye #anti #jacksepticeye #antisepticeye fic #darkiplier fic #little fic #im posting something here cause i feel like it fits with the way my heads going and itd be good for my mental health in the long run #but yeah im using again lol #and ive been sent to psychologists #Wilford Warfstache #Warfstashe #and hey the cyoa came out a few days ago so #its a good thing i did this now i guess #good timing #darkiplier is kinda relevent again fsdkljfashd #anyways this was just a lil sumn to bash out #doesnt mean im back in action #i might just post thoughts that i can twist to being dark or anti now #???

[roxannepolice]

Long asks anon again, here to offer my opinion on the current wank. Rey as a character is rather blatantly breaking sw story rules and nothing is going to get SFF fans hackles up like rule breakage. This is root of both the MarySue accusations and current wank. Rey has a tragic backstory thats doubling as the only failure she can call her own. But its a) damn near entirely offscreen and b) serves as convenient justification for why shes competent at near everything that comes up.

Reys instantly good at the force because of a convenient force download that to the best of my knowledge only occured in the noncanon KOTOR II and quite frankly cant blame most of the general audience for not getting because without prior knowledge or the novelizations why would they? She has darkness in her but as so far used and touched it consequence free and its almost entirely symbolically externalized on the Kylo (and in SW symbolism is Real in a way it isnt in other narratives) Shes strong in the force because Light rises to meet Dark but to quote the current crop of movies ‘thats not how the force works) or at least thats never how it worked before. Shes the first SW protagonist to go behind enemy lines and come out with both hands in the second movie. For ppl wondering how come Luke and Ani never get labeled MarySues, this is why, they got thier asses handed to them, Rey hasnt. There /is/ something /off/ in Reys story, and ppl pick up on it. if you can make a post (w/ over 1k notes!) about how great it is that a character meant to prop up 7hrs worth of movies has little to no character development to go through, somethings off. If multiple ppl can make posts about how its neat Rey can tap into the darkside (still characterized as evil in ST) consequence free (with some quite frankly stupid justifications, 'shes disciplined’ really? jedi lacked a lot of things thats not one of them) somethings off and again, if the only failure your main heroine has is /entirely retroactive something’s off/. If the story were getting with the is the story most ppl think we are, a 'female empowerment’ (i dont feel particularly empowered by being told I have an equal chance at being a deus ex machina but ok) than well, her story is over and theres no need for IX (hell it could have been over in TFA, most ppl assumed she had accepted her place as the future jedi in that one) and no need for reylo The ST was always gonna deconstruct all that came before it purely by virtue of being a sequel. The tragedy of anakin skywalker is now a farce, the happy ot ending now a tragedy, and the mythopoetic structure shot to shit in the name of serialization and perpetual warfare. this stand true for all the sequel characters including rey and ben. the only question is are we going to get anything out of it? I compare it to home renovation. You can knock out a wall and the walls gone, but new opportunities arise. With Benlo, I’m reasonably confident that there will be at least some attempt to take advantage of the new space. With rey and the resistance kids? not so much. it just feels like they knocked down a blue wall to rebuild it as pink one and at the point it just feels like a waste of time because ive seen this before. Ive seen pure cinnamon roll desert orphan reform jedi order If this was all youre going to do that the fuck was the point? which circles around to my problem with team good guy this go around and That Scene. JJ twisted the story into a pretzel to justify the winners of the last round being the underdogs again and then rian twisted so much further the storys head may as well be up its own ass. And then at the very end he shoots it all to shit and rushes to reassure us its all gonna be okay. He removes the entire point of the underdog trope /the tension that comes from the fact that they might lose/. I mean there wasnt a whole lot of that to begin with already but really? So theres no tension that Reys gonna win so her journey feels frictionless, and theres no question where shes gonna end up so full offense why give a shit? Thats where the whole 'can rey lose a fight?’ thing comes from. Ppl want conflict in her arc to justify its existence and give us a reason why this her story to begin with. if the only character going through growth for all three movies is ben, if the only characters whos fate is up in the air is ben, and if all the tension in the reylo relationship comes from ben, then why is this /reys story/? why not just make it about the character actually driving all the drama and thus, the story?   As a final thought, im going to add that having Kylo be aware and insecure that hes never gonna be as Iconic as Vader was a great story choice, regardless of where ends up. Current Rebels, on the other hand, seems to have not gotten the memo that they are never gonna be as iconic as Original Rebels, and the story itself seems to being trying to sell them to me as being better. Rey is Luke but better, Poe/Finn are Han wo the smuggler grit, and id be lying if i said it didnt piss me off.

&

Long asks anon to kick down ur door again, AND ANOTHER THING. SW is a lotta things. Subtle aint one of them, and St hasnt changed in that regard. If you have to debate it chances are either a) ur arguing counter to the text in which case mor power to you but not really helpful for predictions or intended meaning or b) /it aint there. A bunch of ppl didnt like anidala, but nobody doubted we were supposed to think they were in love by the end of AOTC, bunch of ppl didnt like poes arc, but no one doubts he fucked up by not listening to holdo was the intended take away. Which brings to rey and flaws or lack there of. Were told rey has flaws but she has yet to suffer any real consequences from them with the exception of The Damn Parentage Wank, which again, pulls the double duty of making her hyper competent at everything. Because rey has no consequences for her flaws, from a story function pov there aren’t any. If rey did have a flaw to overcome, we would all agree what it was

Now won’t you all just look at this beautiful, spot on rant which has been lagging in my askbox since the last time Rey’s flaws or lack thereof were the discourse’s focus (November, I believe?) and suddenly became a thing again, courtesy of Tweetgate. I think you really summed up the crux of this debate wonderfully, anon.

I particularly agree with the part about Rey not getting narratively punished for whatever flaws we’d like her to have (great point about returning from behind the enemy lines with both arms still in place), when SW don’t stay away from allowing characters to get “punished” even for otherwise applaudable features - vide Padmé, whose idealism is what Palps manipulates into gaining more power (this is why Padmé will never come off as a Mary Sue or too perfect, btw). But I’ll say even more - Rey doesn’t even get called out on her flaws, except for by Ben, who’s mostly dismissed as a baddie like Palpatine saying Luke was foolish to rely on his friends. Let’s just consider one thing - both Anakin and Luke get called out on their flaws by Yoda (Anakin repeatedly and by lots of other people for that matter) whereas with Rey, the same grumpy-yet-jolly senex pops up from the afterlife to further inform us what a great jedi material she is.

TBH, I have a very cynical theory as to why Rey is being pushed as the main character while it’s difficult to deny that it’s Kylo Ben who does all the plot heavy lifting. I’m pretty sure Ben’s arc was the first one DLF thought out (and the big question is, was it the only one they thought out) and only later on decided to make Rey the main character, which also involved much less spontaneous writing. Mind you, it’s not as if benepemption didn’t have a manufactured subtaste to it, but with Rey’s heroine’s journey stiff structure occasionally substitutes any in-world explanations of her actions (this is why I have to hope renperor has some narrative purpose rather than happening because lovers need to be separated and anti-hero needs to achieve what he wanted in 2nd act). I feel as if whatever potential her character had (and hopefully still has, pending IX) got smothered by layer upon layer of making her likable by everyone, which largely relied on negative characterization: she’s not helpless, she’s not too naive, not cynical, not too emotional, not too emotionless, not morally corruptible, not anything you’ve ever complained about regarding any SW character, not falling for the bad boy, not not not - and in the end it’s kinda difficult to say what Rey is like and while the goal of making her widely likable was achieved, it also made it almost impossible to view her as loveably flawed/annoying like the classic characters. And on top of all this is the matter of making her a nobody just like you!, as DLF appears to say with uncle Sam’s gesture (which also kinda assumes the existence of a Star Wars fan as some uniform entity? because if you identify with her, good for you, I just don’t understand why the franchise assumes I’ll identify with her by the grace of being a SW fan alone), because, as you excellently put it, the message here is that everyone can be chosen by God - which again, it’s not as if the saga ever contradicted this, so why the hell make a case of it? I can’t agree that it’s made into Rey’s flaw, though, imo her low birth only serves to further frame her as an oppressed virtue. And I definitely agree regarding too much of her growth being left off-screen, or before the story ever begins. The problem here isn’t even that it is left off-screen (it’s not as if we had huge insight into any of the pt or ot characters) but rather that her characterizations is left off-screen while being depicted as at least untypical (unique to put it bluntly) for her situation (same goes for Finn). A hopeful, kind person growing up on her on her own in slavery under a nicer name is a rarity and DLF makes a case for it being a rarity - and this sparks up curiosity in her past, as if market pandering to Re/sky wasn’t enough. So from this pov her un-reveal being frustrating isn’t just a case of not wanting to love her or her self only a potentially deeper psychological question getting answered with well, light.

I should add, Ben’s arc feels like the most spontaneous one (though Finn’s may yet be a masterpiece) and he’s the one to admit his fear of not living up to Vader’s legacy, because I think he’s the character serving as the creators’ vessel, more or less like Luke was Lucas’ avatar in ot. In his fear regarding Vader’s legacy one can feel Disney’s fear due to having bought popculture’s holy grail and not being entirely sure what to do with it. On this background, Rey (a literal scavenger of OT’s pieces) and rebels 2.0 repeatedly blessed by Leia come off as what DLF would want to be. And the result is that the character which was supposed to be Vader 2.0 proves the most original and surprising one, whereas “breaths of fresh air” come off as room aromatizers with “fresh” written on them.

And as far as the plot being bended into a pretzel and then disappearing up it’s own ass, well, a part of me is still hoping that taking virtually the same villains as before is a mythological-psychoanalitical metaphor of a nigredo repeating itself until the unconscious gets accepted by the conscious…. but, tbh, as the leaks flow this hope is withering.

#asks #cleaning up the askbox #long asks anon #sw negativity #let rey free from the corset disney

[saints-row-2]

film watch day 31: Every Halloween Film

happy Halloween today i watched every Halloween film currently available to me. i couldnt get to rewatch Halloween 2018 but i already wrote about it a couple of weeks back so feel free to revisit that post. anyway, i watched ten Halloween movies today. It took around 17 hours. i started at 11:15am and im writing this now at 6 am.

so lets get to the post. for the most part i went in chronological order, except i chose to start with Rob Zombie’s remakes because i knew if i didnt id be finishing the day by watching them at the break of dawn and the idea of doing that was so fucking putrid to me that i decided to get them out of the way first.

Halloween (2007)

i hate this fucking movie. i mentioned in an ask the other day but im happy to repeat here, i dont hate the idea of expanding on Michael’s backstory. like the fact is we largely know his backstory, the issue is how this film chose to portray it. the original Halloween is frightening because its based around the idea that the seemingly safe, quiet suburbs are not as safe as they seem; you can be on a street youve known your entire life, only a few metres from your own home, and still at risk. the whole idea of showing Michael as a murderer when he was six is to tell us that anyone could be a threat, that our conventions that all killers are a particular kind of person is false.

Halloween 2007 says fuck that, we know what serial killers are, and theyre those poor kids who come from shitty neighbourhoods and have abusive parents and mothers who are sex workers. everything that Halloween brings to the table is fucking tedious, played out, and massively uninspired. it wants to bring us the truth about why Michael is like he is, but Rob Zombie’s only understanding of serial killers is in the cliche and exploitative. he has nothing honest about human nature to show us, only the exact same stories that have been fed to us by crime and horror movies past.

this film is incredibly loud and in fucking constant motion. even on steady shots of still scenes the camera constantly shakes, and in every other scene its always whirling around from tracking shot to panning over the scene to just idly zooming in and out of nothing. Zombie’s favourite shot is to have something large and out of focus in the foreground -- like some plants -- and to shoot the characters standing about six feet away muttering to themselves. every single fucking shot in this movie lingers too long, every scene drags a little longer than it needs to. this film moves with the pace that i would describe as “family guy gag”.

and this film is so loud. people are always talking or screaming, largely about nothing important or interesting. theres always music, but it never particularly adds anything; for reasons i fail to fucking understand the entirety of the original theme plays over mostly uninteresting tracking shots of a minor character walking around yelling filler lines about nothing.

the writing is horseshit. everyone in this film is vile, no one talks or behaves like real human beings. almost every exchange in this movie is the characters saying the exact same thing back and forth inanely, frequently punctuated by screaming FUCK as loudly as possible and talking about sex in a way that 40 year old men really really wished teenage girls talk about sex. Halloween (2007) is thoughtlessly gross and mean and nasty, disconnected from any kind of human sensitivity and empathy. it wants to be complicated and to be deep but its crushingly simplistic and stupid. the only thing that redeems it is that its not Halloween II (2009). speaking of which...

Halloween II (2009)

jesus christ this movie is so fucking boring. Halloween II is two hours long but feels like its about twenty hours long. i felt like i was watching this film for twenty days and twenty nights. i was trapped in an eternal purgatory with this movie.

i really cant fucking emphasise how boring this film is. endless scene after scene of nothing of consequence happening, uninteresting death scenes that add nothing, and Michael wandering around doing jack shit. Halloween II fucking made Michael Myers boring, and im saying this as someone who (as i repeat once every 8 seconds) has a tattoo of him. this film couldnt hold MY interest in two of my favourite characters of all time.

the big fun new addition from the first movie is the presence of Michael and Laurie’s mother as a kind of weird goth ghost guiding Michael to kill. i dont know why Michael had to be Jason Voorhees and be a mommy’s boy all of a sudden, but this addition brings absolutely nothing of interest to the film or to his character. its meant to be symbolic of fucking... something im sure, but it feels meaningless. somehow Michael and Laurie are both able to see and interact with this ghost and the ghost has an agenda to do... something? it feels about as intelligent and coherent as the bullshit cult of thorne shit from 6, but a lot less fun. at some point Michael Myers apparently has mind control powers?

not to repeat myself a hundred fucking times but this film is insanely unpleasant to watch. every scene someone is screaming, generally wailing “fuck you bitch” at anyone in their vicinity. this is two hours of people howling swear words at each other and not infrequently making rape jokes. Rob Zombie loves rape jokes! almost as much as he loves putting sexual assault in his movies over and over again for no reason.

there is nothing to enjoy in this film. theres nothing to gain. there is too much slow-mo and far too many strobe lights and absolutely nothing of any intelligence or grace. Halloween II is a thirteen year old boy in a korn T-shirt calling his mom a bitch while he draws zombies on  the back of his homework, which he will get an F for because the only thing he wrote was “reading is for faggots”.

Halloween (1978)

what the fuck can i say. this is one of the greatest horror movies ever made, if not the greatest. its one of my favourite movies. its forty years old and still just as chilling and frightening as it ever was. it has some shot composition and cinematography thats up with the best ive ever seen, all while being shot on a budget of $300,000. it does more with less than just about any film, launched the slasher genre, shot Jamie Lee Curtis to stardom and created a pop culture icon that stayed strong for decades. its a masterclass in tension and suspense, a lean-cut perfectly paced film with heaps of atmosphere and character.

i love this film with a frantic passion that makes me unable to talk about it in a particularly helpful way. i cant “review” Halloween. I love this film beyond reason and sense and you either get it or you dont.

Halloween II (1981)

Halloween II is largely one of the less remembered entries in the franchise; its a decent enough movie, neither matching up to the highs of the original or the lows of the later films. its a pretty enjoyable little film, created under the logic of ‘well the first one did well, lets do the same thing again’. Carpenter wrote the script but didn’t direct, and while the film has a solid story, the directing lacks his signature flair. its hard to pinpoint, because the film is generally fairly well-shot, but lacks a kind of eye for shot composition that Carpenter made look easy, doesnt have as much patience for suspense.

on its own merits, theres still some great shots and great scenes in the movie. and a lot of really cool kills; II got a lot more creative with what Michael was capable of, and i think the boiling water drowning kill is rightfully pretty infamous.

this was the last Halloween movie Carpenter wrote, and it was the film where the idea of Laurie and Michael being siblings was introduced. and believe me ill defend this fucking decision to the grave. adding the human connection between Michael and Laurie gives a whole other layer to their relationship thats so fascinating to me, and i love that other films try to expand on the themes of family. in general, deciding that this film would continue to focus on Laurie and not do what later slashers did with bouncing around between different casts was a great fucking move, ironically for a franchise that was intended to be an anthology.

quietly exploring the aftermath of the first film was a good idea for a follow-up, and i especially really enjoy Loomis’ role in this movie, and his discussion about who Myers is. the biggest disappointment for me personally is that Laurie lacks a lot of presence in this film. Curtis is great, as always, but the movie dawdles on some side characters who are too disconnected from her to get a sense of what shes going through.

all that being said, Halloween II is decent. the ending is really great, with some really powerful shots. Michael bleeding from the eyes of his mask after Laurie shoots him is one of the best fucking images in horror and him swinging blindly as Laurie and Loomis slowly orchestrate his death is a fucking amazing scene. i have an immense fondness for this movie, with all its flaws. it brings a lot of really cool concepts to the table, and i think it deserves some appreciation.

heres a question tho; where the fuck were Laurie’s parents. theres a suggestion theyre missing, but theres no explanation why and we never hear from them. did michael kill them too? hello? mr and mrs strode? your daughter just fucking killed a guy and all her friends are dead. where the fuck are you.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III is infamous as being the Halloween movie that isn’t about Michael Myers at all. when it first released it was wildly unpopular and remained so for quite a while, but has had a surge in popularity over the last few years. i think just about every horror critic i know now considers Halloween III one of the best in the franchise. and to be fair to it, its a great little movie. not a slasher at all but rather a conspiracy thriller, Halloween III is all about the mystery of what the Silver Shamrock mask-making company are really up to, and why people are disappearing. its a weird and creative little movie, with some really fucking great practical effects that turn it from just being a thriller to being an all-out horror film. it has a few too many ineffective jumpscares and some of the plot twists are kind of disappointing and feel a little too much like the easy option -- and then others are so wildly bizarre no one would see them coming because theyre fucking completely out there. but i kind of love that sort of nonsense in a horror movie. like lets just have a fucking good time in here for once in our fucking lives.

Halloween III is not a perfect or even a really great movie, but yknow, fuck it. the idea that only perfect films are worth watching is dumb. i appreciate the weird shit this film tried and i think it deserves a lot more respect than what it got; if it had been released under another title it probably would have gone down as a classic instead of being derided for years, you ask me.

now things start going rapidly downhill

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Halloween 4 is when Jamie is introduced as the new final girl; Laurie’s seven year old daughter, after Laurie herself died off-screen in a fucking car crash. the decision to kill off Laurie came from Jamie Lee Curtis decided not to return to the character and instead of recasting her, they went with just having her… die. off-screen. in the franchise where the previous two movies were about her triumph and determination to stay alive. like its the casual thoughtlessness of this that, the idea no one would give a shit a character returned, that in my eyes epitomises how fucking little anyone cared about this franchise going forward.

man the idea of Laurie dying completely irrelevant to Michael… thats a lot. anyway continuing on his quest to erase anyone related to him, Michael starts targeting his niece Jamie for the three movies in the franchise. this is where the series started rapidly losing any grip on reality. while Michael always had some kind of superhuman elements to him (he took six bullets to the chest and survived in the first movie) these became increasingly wildly exaggerated. now hes crushing peoples skulls with his bare hands shit like what the fuck. first of all do that to me and secondly, it was this kind of slide into unreality that let the supernatural elements of the series creep in further until you end up with the shitshow that is Halloween 6. like it was the decrease in the impact of violence and human life that really fucked this franchise over.

this film is not great. its a definite decline in quality after 2 and was on the slippery slope downwards. it has some high points, primarily in Dr Loomis. Donald Pleasance is a better actor than most movies deserve and brings gravitas to a role that in the hands of a less capable actor would be laughable. his sincere plea to Michael at one point to just kill him instead of going after Jamie is honestly fucking tragic.

outside of that, the film isnt massively interesting. Michael himself isnt particularly threatening or engaging, and his mask looks like shit in this film. the characters in this film are largely very stupid, also, which doesnt help anything much.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

if theres a Halloween movie people talk about the least, its this one. II has the sibling twist, III is the black sheep, 4 is the return, even 6 gets talked about for its troubled production history. no one has anything to say about Halloween 5. and thats mostly because there is fucking nothing to say about Halloween 5. it is a relentlessly fucking dull movie that pads out its 100 minute run time with endless unnecessary scenes of shit that does… nothing. this film is dull in a way that i find incredibly detestable. i cant even watch it through a haze of impassioned anger like i can with the also incredible dull Halloween II (2009). its just fucking boring. every single scene drags like its trying to walk on two broken legs. the plot is so bare bones its nonsensical. it constantly adds new characters and new elements but all that does is makes it more incoherent and confusing. watching this movie i literally found my fucking eyes glazing over in my skull. if this film was edited correctly it would be twenty minutes long. i cannot fucking emphasise enough how much of relentless slog it is. Halloween 4 was dull but even that had the lifeline of ‘some cool ideas’. Halloween 5 is nothing. Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water.

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

if Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water Halloween 6 is just a fresh hot glass of piss. there are two versions of Halloween 6, the director’s cut and the theatrical release, and both are wretched. this film went full ham with introducing the supernatural elements, telling us that Michael was his whole life psychically controlled by a pagan cult called the Cult of Thorne in order to make Halloween scary again or summon the devil or who fucking cares. this movie is fucking insufferably dull, totally absurd, and wildly unsympathetic. i loathe Halloween 6 and every terrible, stupid plot decision it makes. Paul Rudd defeats Michael Myers by drawing druid symbols on the ground and Michael just gives up and lies down. theres a baby that does nothing and serves no purpose. Halloween is apparently banned in Haddonfield, which makes this more closely related to Footloose than Halloween i think. this film takes itself incredibly seriously while spouting nothing but total fucking bullshit drivel and i dont believe that anyone involved in this movie, from the cast to the cameraman to the guy who served the lunch had any faith in this movie outside of the vague hope it might make money and i wish this movie had been burned at the stake. also i hate Paul Rudd.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

oh thank fucking god finally some good fucking food. Halloween H20 took the decision to retcon all the sequels (except II) twenty years before Halloween 2018, proving that everyone knew 5 and 6 were fucking mistakes.

this film loses a lot of the Halloween feeling in favour of making a more generic late 1990s/early 2000s style horror. theres nothing particularly interesting about the way this movie is directed or shot, the music is largely very generic, it has a generally uninteresting glossy quality to it that studio movies always do. its very obvious this movie was inspired by Scream and it looks a lot more like Scream than it does Halloween. all of this makes me kind of sad, but other films in the franchise have proved that other directors generally are not capable of imitating Carpenter’s style so maybe its better they dont really try.

what H20 does so well, and the reason i love it so much, is that it explores the relationship between Michael and Laurie, which is something im endlessly fascinated with. this was the first movie to have Laurie shake off her fear and rise up against Michael, and while it doesnt do it with quite as much depth and intelligence as Halloween 2018, it still has a fucking good crack at Laurie’s character, and its still powerful watching her turn on the man who terrorised her for years. Michael is great in this movie too; while he has a terrible mask, watching him back on his shit as a furious force of nature who wants nothing more than to destroy anyone who gets in his way.

honestly i kind of enjoy having a Halloween in a different style; theres something fun about seeing characters recontextualised and done with justice and empathy. most of the Halloween sequels before this one (and after, looking at Resurrection) are shallow, unconcerned with any kind of emotional depth or personality. and while a lot of the stock filler characters in H20 who are lined up for the chopping block arent that interesting and dont particularly standout, watching Jamie Lee Curtis’ performance and seeing her interplay with Michael is enough. and most of the side characters arent particularly annoying, which is more than i can say for half this franchise.

this film also has what is one of my absolute favourite endings in a movie ever; the final confrontation between Michael and Laurie has a particular interaction between them that i absolutely adore and that alone is enough to make this movie one of my favourites.

H20 isnt perfect; it weirdly feels like a blueprint that Halloween 2018 would later refine into a better movie, but the idea its going to be completely disregarded for Halloween 2018 in the future makes me a little sad. in the face of so many fucking mediocre and awful Halloween sequels it did the right thing in trying to focus on what actually mattered; the connection between Michael and Laurie, although i dont feel like it succeeded in making Michael as scary as 2018 would much later. that said, the shot where Michael and Laurie just stare at each other through the glass of a window? that gives me chills every time. and hearing the Halloween theme kick in as Laurie marches off into the school with an axe looking for Michael is so fucking triumphant.

i love H20 even if Michael’s mask looks like his hair was dunked in a bucket of water and then gently blow-dried. i have no idea why it looks so fucking stupid in this movie. why is it so hard to get Michael’s mask right. you wouldnt think it was that fucking hard. anyway, i really fucking love Laurie Strode a lot, which didnt help to make Resurrection any easier to swallow.

Halloween: Resurrection

so whats the obvious thing to do after you have a movie where the power and emotion all comes from the emotional catharsis of seeing a woman get her vengeance on her tormentor? you, uh, make a sequel in which she is immediately defeated and pointlessly killed after its revealed her victory at the end of the previous film was entirely false, and then you never return to focus on her and instead introduce a horde of entirely uninteresting stock characters. yeah, makes sense.

Resurrection is fucking incredibly stupid, in the kind of fucking hysterical way only really bad horror movies can capture. theres absolutely nothing of Halloween in this other than the presence of Michael, who just as easily could have been replaced with anyone or anything. the story has a group of people on a reality show staying in the Myers house to… stay there? its not entirely clear what the challenge is meant to be, other than to just be inside the house, which i imagine gets to be pretty dull viewing pretty quickly. theres no suggestion theyre like, hunting for ghosts or something along those lines, theyre just… looking at stuff.

Michael slopes around this movie like he doesnt fucking understand where he is or whats going on, an entirely out of place relic of better times past while the cast cavorts around him doing nothing of interest and having no plots or characterisation to speak of. the film has exactly two or three funny moments, including the legendary ‘Michael Myers getting electrocuted in the dick by Busta Rhymes’, but youre way, way better off just looking that up on youtube instead of watching this movie. there is an hour of pointless plot development about characters no one cares about until Michael starts fucking killing people. this movie shouldnt exist and we should all go back to pretending it doesnt.

and thats it. thats all the halloween films. i can die now.

#rantsfilmwatch #this is around 4000 words long so yknow consider yourself warned

[radioactive-synth]

tell me more about your sole??

ayyy!

i guess i can start with the begining? 

under read more cause its long, i wrote his resume lmao

if you want random facts or like anything else, you can ask :D thank you @enclave !!

he was born on 13 Feb 2045, Boston. His mom is Olivia Zander, as i talked a bit about her in other post, and his father was Ryan Hudson-Zander, a brigadier-general for the army. he also had a cousin, Vincent Nathaniel Hudson, and an uncle, Michael Hudson, major in the army.

his childhood was mostly good, except when his father was at home, him hating his son so much and even insulting and beating him up when Olivia was at work, but he was acting nice when she was at home. Vaughn never told Olivia about him, until very later in life about him, in fear that she would be hurt and that her own salary couldnt support her much, money mostly coming from Ryan’s salary (and gambling)

his cousin was his best friend, and even if they were both different, Vin always supported and protected Vaughn. later, Vin chosen military college, and in a few years, he was a staff sergeant.

he went to school and got accepted into Harward Medical School, studying for 4 years, then he worked for 2 years as a family doctor in a small clinic, and also he met and befriended Nora, as her parents were friends with his parents. 

he was forced in the war by his father, signing as medic (which was also the last straw for Olivia, but she couldnt do anything, but she told Ryan to never come back home and that she gets a divorce)

he stayed for almost a year in the army, and even seeing his cousin (which he didnt knew that he was too in army and tried to send his cousin back home, not much success). mostly he was in the barracks offering any medical treatment, but he needed to fight in defense line, thats how he can use weapons and even the power armor (but not much success tho).

later, he finds out that his father was killed in an ambush, which he didnt cared at all, but next day, he also found out that his cousin was too killed on the front, which break him so much, his platoon sent him back home. 

it wasnt an easy time for Vaughn, his depression and PTSD got much worse, and refused to get any help, thinking its too expensive, and he wasnt able to work, only Olivia was working. sadly, his uncle didnt lived longer, as the loss of his son and brother was too much for his heart, which broke Vaughn and Olivia even more, but she continued to get by for her son.

hearing what happened, Nora wanted to help Vaughn, trying to get him out the house and spending time together. at first Vaughn refused, and he couldnt understand why she bothers so much, even being rude to her. but after getting convinced by his mom, Vaughn started to spend time with Nora. as time passes, she asks if he wants to work again, as her dad worked at administration and he could easily find a good job for Vaughn, as his skills and experience were good. but he refused again, thinking that he cant work anymore, but, one evening, they see a person that got very sick, and Vaughn offered first aid when the ambulance finally arrived, saving that person’s life. then Nora asked again if he accepts to work, as he can save more people. he then accepts the job as family doctor at Medical Bay Center.

a year later after this, Vaughn proposed to Nora, and they both moved in Sanctuary Hills, in a house bought by Olivia (she was raising money as she worked secretly creating illegal meds and earning more money).

they lived happily for 5 years, even wanting to raise their own child, but then we all know what happened lmao

getting out the Vault, his only thought on his mind was to get revenge and get his son back, but he was also changed, was more and more aggressive, didnt helped anyone without getting something in return, even Cod/sworth couldnt recognize him anymore. they were both forced to hide in the Museum of Freedom when the raiders attacked, and Vaughn took the power armor and helped out taking out the raiders and the deathclaw. but later, he refused to help Preston anymore, letting him and his group in Sanctuary. also he did helped Danse, but then refused to join, but took his laser rifle.

was also very rude to Piper and Nick, the old synth could barely stand him, but he thought that he can still change his ways. 

they faced Kellog and he killed him with his bare hands, but he was shot by him in the left leg.

later, when he and Nick got in the Glowing Sea, 2 radscorpions attacked and one damaged the power armor, Vaughn being unable to shoot anymore and to run, but Nick distracted the radscorpions, telling Vaughn to run. he barely got there, and thought that he lost Nick, but the synth appears later, not being damaged at all. after they got out, Vaughn was still in shock after the radscoprions nearly killed him, and apologized to Nick and thanked him for saving his life. Nick said that if he really wants to thank properly, he needs to change his ways, and start to help people, and accept his role as the General of the Minutemen.

when they got back to Sanctuary, Vaughn apologized to Preston and Cod/sworth, and accepted his role, starting to plan how to help the farmers and build better settlements.

a few weeks after, when he, Nick and Cod/sworth got back in DC, he met Deborah “Debbie” Gaines (friend’s OC), which she thanked him for saving Nick and offered her help for the Minutemen. in truth, she was actually a RR tourist, and she was asked by Deacon to keep an eye on Vaughn, which she did, shadowing him since he first arrived to DC.

with time, they bonded well, becoming best friends. they also decided to join the BOS, in order to get more intel about the Commonwealth and access to better weapons and ammo, so they both took up D/anse’s offer, Vaughn becoming a Knight, and Debbie being a field scribe. they stayed for 3 weeks, then they were allowed to leave, with the promise to return back with anything that helps the BOS (lmao). despite Debbie’s protests, he did took D/anse with them in Sanctuary, the Paladin being surprised that he was lied by them, not knowing that Vaughn is the General of Minutemen, but he still stayed, helping him with the Minutemen work. D/anse also shares the same house with Debbie, which she really hated it, but werent many houses redone in that time.

later, they retake the Castle, with D/anse’s help. after that, he left back to Pr/ydwen for a while, and Vaughn went to Goodneighbor to search for some supplies for the Castle. he was contacted by Bobbi No-Nose and got tricked by being told that he can access meds and many supplies if he helps her. finding out that they instead breached into H/ancock’s warehouse, Vaughn sides with Fahrenheit and tells Bobbi to leave.

he explains later to H/ancock, and after they talked, he asked him if he would join to help out the people in the name of Minutemen, which H/ancock took the offer kindly.

also with time, he also recruits and helps out the others, like Piper, Ma/cCready, Cait, Curie, Charlie (friend’s OC, vault 81 dweller but they joins up when Curie leaves the Vault) also he finds the RR and helps out Debbie to become a heavy, her becoming agent Bloom, and finally realising her dream. he also helps De/acon in RR missions, but refuses to take out the BOS. 

this whole thing happens like a year, gathering help and more supplies to build the teleporter, asking for S/turges’s help for this. he also gets more and more closer to Nick and H/ancock, all 3 developing a close relationship. Nick also asks later for help to take out Winter.

later, teleporter was ready, so he got in the Institute, being at first devastated that the kid didnt accepted him at first, but being more shocked that his real son was the director of the Institute, and being much older.

despite the RR protests, he did helped out the Institute, and at the Bunket Hill, he returned the synths back to the Institute, which angered Des/demona, banishing him from the RR, despite Deacon and Debbie’s arguments.

at the top of CIT ruins, Vaughn could see how Shaun didnt cared about the Commonwealth at all, saying its worthless to help it and the people, that he was an experiment and he was fascinated how his father survived outside, and how he expects him to lead the Institute….which Vaughn snapped out and they got in arguments, saying that if he really cared about him, why he let him outside with no protection, why he kept him so long on ice, how he is responsible for rebuilding the Commonwealth after him and the Institute destroyed it…so Shaun banished him from the Institute, telling him he is the worst father ever and that he is disappointed that he is his son (which Vaughn didnt took it easy, he heard the same words that he told his own father years ago)

he felt that he failed everyone, especially the RR, and felt into depression, refusing to talk to anyone, except Nick and H/ancock, that they took care of him. 2 weeks later, Sanctuary gets attacked by the Institute synths, so Vaughn gets angered and swears that he will destroy the Institute no matter what. he then gathers a part of his companions and some Minutemen, and get in the Institute, facing Shaun for the last time, and giving order to evacuate the Institute. he also asked his group to find little Shaun, but the kid was already at the teleportation room. when he arrived back, the kid called him “dad” and asked to be saved, which Vaughn took him in his arms, saying that he was looking for him, and that he better goes with his friends, as he still has some work to do.

after Vaughn recovers a few days later, he asks for help to bury Nora and everyone in Vault 111, feeling that is the least thing he can do for them, and to finally put his past behind.

much later, when the kid can see that his dad avoids to call by his name, Vaughn, with the help from Nick and H/ancock, tells the kid about his true nature and who was Father, and how the kid didnt wanted to feel like a replacement (despite his dads telling him that he is his own person),he changes his own name, renaming after his grandma.

Vaughn also realises about his own feelings, and talks with Nick and H/ancock about this, which the latter says that he thought they were already together lmao, so all 3, with the kid, Cod/sworth, Dogmeat and Hera (pet radchicken) forming a family, alongside the companions.

months later, he and Nick goes to Far Harbor, getting involved in the war, and they both find a solution for peace between all 3 factions, also Nick listening to Vaughn and accepts DiMA as his brother.

a year later, Vaughn and D/anse gets trapped in Nuka World, the former being forced as Overboss, but after meeting Ellie Connor (friend’s OC, caravan guard and now an Operator), all 3 make plans how to take out the raiders and restore Nuka World, which takes like 3 weeks.

months later, Olivia returns to Sanctuary, reuniting with her son and leaving her group, moving in the house she bought 200 years ago (as Vaughn built other house a few months after he took his role as General).

weeks later, 2 new visitors appear in Sanctuary, Tamir and Rex, which she easily befriends Ellie, Cait and Olivia, and even with the kids, Oliver, Duncan and Nat. she offers her help, proving she is great in combat, so she becomes a part time Minuteman. she also falls in love with Cait.

overall, his life is good, adapted to the new life, is happy with his family, keeps protecting the Commonwealth :D

#im not sure if you asked his story or something else sorry :'D #oc vaughn zander #enclave

[decodervon]

disregard the last post.

i made that with a lot of anger and frustration. weve talked a lot since then and I'm... not that angry anymore. I probably shouldn't even be talking with you, but i hate how much it helped.

i hate curiosity. i always scolded you and warned you about looking for things you might not want to find and i did it. i found something i didn't want to find.

i found out you were casually dating again.

and of course you are. i mean. we "broke up" in September. it's been months. theres no reason to feel shameful or bad. I cant fault you and I cant be mad at you. and I'm still mad about some stuff, but that's not one of them.

this one hurts though. i knew i would feel like this, but i hate how much my mind keeps REMINDING ME. I'll be trying to sleep and my mind is like, "u kno she seeing someone right. they prolly banging. its prolly way better then ur tired ass sex. doesnt have to say weird fetish shit." and its LIKE. OK. I GET IT. STOP. STOP REPEATING OVER AND OVER. DONT WAKE ME UP TO REMIND ME.

i heard about it after I went snooping about your party. people said their was distinct body language and he seems to have a very outgoing personality and seemed really nice. it sounds like exactly what you need and IT KILLS ME.

I HATE I went snooping. OF COURSE this is what i get. we've talked since then and i know you feel confused and scared. best thing I could actually do for you is leave you alone and let you have a real chance at it. maybe it's a rebound. but so were we. my evil, manipulative side knows that you still feel emotionally connected to me due to calling me about Vday stuff. my pragmatic side wants to sort out a deal where i exchange emotional support for physical intimacy because I know we both want those things and know the other can give them. i can listen and talk and care about your problems and you could do whatever weird, gross, aggressive sexual stuff and not judge me (I think.) but my less evil/neutral sides know that that would throw a wrench in both our things and the best thing I can do is stay away.

that being said... I dont want to. it's like doing coke or something. like yeah, it's bad. but like. if no one knows... then maybe it's not THAT bad. like it would detrimental to us if we got together and we argued and fought. that would be unhealthy. but just... secreting away and being physical and keeping it hot and fast.. ugh. I mean. its sorta like all those fantasies you helped me with. except we wouldn't be pretending.

ugh. prolly makes me a horrible person. prolly makes US. I know you kind of want to do the same thing. I tried to cool suggest it, but you're probably conflicted about it too. I want you to just... show up late one night. some random text at like... 11pm being like, "I'm outside. should I leave?" and then I mull it over and invite you in quietly. you're wearing something impossibly hot like you do. we hug and I can tell you want to feel my body because it's been so long. we go back to my room and talk awkwardly for a few minutes. we both mention how you shouldnt be here sheepishly while ignoring the fact neither of us are protesting it very hard. you slide off your coat, looking me in the eye the whole time. that longing, sad look. that look that makes it impossible not to kiss you. I pull away after a minute and say, "this is wrong. we shouldnt be doing this." and you lean in close to my ear and whisper "hes not you." and I instinctually press my body against yours. you nuzzle into my neck as you slide your hands under my shirt, around my waist and up my back. I put my hands on your waist and take a deep breath of the smell of your hair. I say, "i dont want to hurt anyone" you said "I dont care." or more likely "no one has to know"... we appreciate each others bodies like we always should have. I go over every inch of you, knowing I might not see it again. you go over those inches of me like they're an old friend you're excited to see. you say all the terrible things I want you to say and I hurt you like you liked to be hurt. we go on for an hour. i want you to stay but i cant ask. my willpower drained with my stress. you fix yourself and disappear like an uninvited vampire. i cry. a lot. i hold myself and wish it was you. the lifetime of memories creeping back onto me. I hate myself for what I've done, but desperately try and inhale your fading scent still lingering in my bed.

ugh. I'm probably gonna end up writing something hot and complete after sharing that. I hate that I want that so bad. but I shouldnt. I have more to lose in this than you do.

you would hate me if you knew what I had been up to since. one of the other reasons I cant judge you for moving on. I've talked and reached out to many people you arent a fan of. not to spite you, but because those people knew me in intimate ways I can trust. I gained insight from talking to them and meeting with them. but that's not what I'm referring to.

im... also.. casually dating someone. it's still all pretty fledgling, as I am WAY too delicate to dedicate myself to anyone. but its... it's someone you know. some things had been happening that neither of us knew about.. and I dont want to tell you because I feel like I'd be cursing you with the same curse that I have. imaging you with that person, not being able to stop... but I know the curiosity is almost as killer for you. its.. a hard thing to figure out morally. but I dont want to jeopardize it. its... it's a once in a lifetime chance. they care about me.. legitimately. and probably more than they should with how emotionally volatile I am right now. but they dont really know how.. I am. part of me is a sweet, great guy. but another part of me is the type to want to have that night I wrote about. a secret trust where we exhaust each other physical and say all the sick things we want, knowing that the other wont judge them. (hell, anything is better than arguing)

I want to be physically wanted... but I want to be wanted by you. I loved when you would love my body. cause like... in my head, when people say things about loving me, I always diffuse it "oh she just thinks she loves me like that" "oh shes convinced herself she likes that about me" "oh she thinks that's cute now, but give it time..." and its just... innate to my awful self esteem. but body stuff? making out with me? going down on me? holding, examining and loving.. parts of me? it feels so much... truer to me. like someone couldnt lie about that. I know thats... naive to think. but that's how it feels. no one who doesnt like you is gonna put their dick in their mouth. bottom line. or go along with your fantasies that you yourself think are strange to be attracted to. i wanted you to want me so bad. i wanted you to love my body and tell me youd been thinking about it. it's such a direct link to my heart.. ugh. but that.. stuff got all messed up. I think that's what made me fall in love in the first year. you cherished my body. you worshipped it. you wanted to sherk your duties to have more of it and I was totally enthralled. that first year made me stay for so long and through so much. always chasing that high. that time where my body was all you wanted and all i wanted was your heart. and it all got so... nevermind.

the person I'm dating.. we're talking it very slow. ive.. kissed her. in fact, your vday call interrupted that kiss. can you believe that timing? thanks universe. if you're trying to say we should get back together, maybe dont kill a beautiful innocent cat next time. I was mad you wanted me to support you through death.. after you abandoned me when I needed your support so bad. I'm still kinda mad. but whatever. this isnt a mad post.

i.. its. shes.. she lets me talk about you. she knows you. maybe better than I did. its hard.. shes not experienced with.. our type of relationship so much. I try not to put much on her. for the reasons of not wanting to overburden her and to keep from forming an instant bond. I know I still have these raw, visceral feelings for you and I dont want to hurt someone I care about because of them. I dont know how you know your new guy, but my guess is: not very well. maybe it's a tinder date. maybe it's a friend of a friend. but if I had to make an educated guess, it's someone far removed who is just.. treating you well. like how you want to be treated. kind of a nobody, but that's a good thing. like if things kept being nice, cool. if they didnt work, whatever. something noncommittal. something lowkey. something you didnt have to /worry/ about. which is all... smart. but I also know that if you felt like you wanted to drive that shit into a wall, you wouldnt lose a lot of sleep over it. and you considering the tryst.. well. yeah. speaks to that effect. i... I wonder if I should have even suggested its because I can't drive my thing into a wall. its... I cant. youd understand if you knew.

theres probably only one person in your mind you would legitimately fear me dating if you sat down and thought about it. someone that wasn't just someone you didnt want me dating. not like Kayla or Grace where it would just... bug you. I mean deeper. someone that you couldnt wrest me away from. someone that your charms would fall flat because of. I'm talking Caitlyn levels of dedicated affection. and as I said, I dont want to jump in. I know how easily i fall in love. I'm taking this slow. developing a foundation. trying to figure myself. wanting someone to treat me well and watch anime and cartoons with while being warm and laughing. someone to affectionately take care of me. someone who wanted to spend time with me.. someone who's house i could come over to in the daylight.. someone who's friends were excited for her and not judgemental of her..

I get why you're dating. I'm doing the same thing for the same reasons. i need this. you need this. i wanted you to treat me these ways but i couldnt keep.. telling you how to treat me after so many years. you could write a book on me. I STILL know how to take care of you and I mostly figured it out after years. I wanted to see you try and figure me out. you didnt have to be right. I just wanted you to try. I left a breadcrumb on my IG for this story, but I never know when or if you'll ever read these. I always want to hear your feelings too. I wish you wrote like this. I wish I had a direct line to your thoughts like back in the day when you wrote. it always helped. I still check your tumblr from time to time. like the idiot I am.

ugh. like the absolute idiot I am.

(ps. I watch that last video we made like every day.)

[heyitscmei]

so i see theres some theory talk floating around

but this post isnt really to do with theories so much as characterization

i had a whole thread over on twitter but ill just copy and paste some thoughts here in regards to one particular post ive seen floating around and some posts linked within im not trying to start fights or anything, im just expressing some thoughts of my own which is why im not linking to the post in question anyways

just a reminder, keith isnt a good liar so unless he became a good liar in the time that shiro was gone, i sincerely dont think he was lying to shiro when he told him that the team needed him

but whether or not he became a good liar or not, one thing is certain based on what weve been shown:

keith is a capable leader, but he still hasnt quite grown into the role yet

keith still hasnt quite learned how to pick his battles

thats why i dont think its quite right to say that hes more capable of a leader than shiro with time, he could be thats something even shiro himself saw in keith: potential 

however something thats been made clear to us is that keith still needs to learn a little

shiro on the other hand, has experience being in a leader role hes the garrisons golden boy, the pilot of the kerberos mission and he was the head of voltron for a reason black chose him for a reason

he is capable he is a role model for keith keith tells shiro that the team needs him that he cant do it and isnt as good of a leader as shiro because its what he believes to be true

keith is honest and straightforward he knows hes lacking and he doesnt try to pretend that hes a perfect leader he KNOWS hes still struggling between doing what he WANTS to do and doing what he SHOULD do - with accepting that the things he wants to do arent necessarily good for the team to be doing

hes grown immensely in the time he has been leader, but hes not the leader they need to defeat lotor not the way he is right now and he KNOWS that

as for shiro... i can agree that maybe leading voltron gave him control something that hed been robbed of in his captivity but i also dont think that hes the type to really let things like betrayal or jealousy or whatever cloud his vision shiro from the start has always seemed to put their purpose before himself hes never given the impression of being a selfish enough person to have issues over who the leader is he seems more likely to be the type to think 'if this is what it takes, well do it this way'

i think hes being genuine when he says hes glad the team didnt lose sight of things in his absence because thats just how he is hes glad that his absence didnt become their undoing because hes only one person winning the war means saving a lot more than that hes proud of them for that because thats shiro thats what hes like selfless but driven

not once has he ever complained about being thrust into this war even though hes got more than enough reasons to complain because he sees this mission and he knows its for the greater good he knows first hand how bad it can be he wants to spare people from that its like hes selfless to a fault so i dont think he actually has any issues with feeling left out or feeling as though hes the odd one out from the team if that were really the case, i dont think hed guide from the castle as easily as he is theres no reservations or hesitation he doesnt seem to think 'im not part of this anymore' so much as 'im part of this, but in a different way from usual'

keith is so willing to step aside for shiro because ultimately he still believes wholeheartedly that shiro is most suited to lead

keith has never cared about claiming or holding onto the leader position

now in the interest of explaining why i dont think the reasons the OP of the post mentioned that make shiro a bad leader dont actually make shiro a bad leader, i addressed each reason individually so 1) in regards to when shiro tries to carry lance outside after lance protects coran from the bomb

why does he do it? well its not a good idea to leave an injured teammate alone, for one for two, if the explosion was within the castle, its pretty reasonable to think the castle isnt safe either ultimately, while the castle is big, you dont want to be cornered in the very place that the galra are likely to infiltrate

what are the galra after? the lions where are the lions? in the castle where will the galra be going then? the castle so where do you not want to be with your injured teammate? the castle

not to mention, without the crystal, the castle is generally nonfunctional the chances of lance being okay are ultimately greater if shiro gets him out of the castle at least, its a risk shiro is willing to take

why tell pidge to come back when shiro will have the easier time getting lance to safety? not to mention shiro is already there with him its not like he could tell when exactly pidge would be done sending coran and hunk off theres also no telling how long it would take for pidge to get to them its not a wise decision to just stay put inside the enemies main target while knowing the team was so separated

tell allura to come back? let keith check the arusian village by himself? thats not a smart idea either we know that it was ruse to separate them, but the team didnt know that at the time dramatic irony

so from shiros perspective, its better if allura and keith go to the arusian village together because at least they have an ally to watch their backs in the event that something is wrong you dont hear that a village is under attack and assume it wont be dangerous safety in numbers    

2) regarding shiro and his decisions about when to fight and when not to fight

its worth mentioning that first and foremost, shiro never makes a decision that he doesnt wait for the others inputs on hes not the type to force them to do something if the majority disagrees with his decisions

but a very important thing about being a leader is knowing when to choose your battles this is especially emphasized in s3 however, whether to fight or retreat hasnt always necessarily been dependent on whether the odds are in their favour or not

one such exception is when they decided to take on zarkons command center

shiro knew that keith was right when he said theyd be bringing zarkon exactly what he wants he wasnt ignoring him shiro was the one who said himself that the odds would be against them even in season 1 it isnt as though he suddenly changed his mind what changed was that they had allura

and allura is a lot more than just a part of the team shes the altean princess shes the true leader of the entire damn war shes too important for them to lose

things they lose if they lose allura? - the ability to wormhole, thus reducing their mobility by a great deal - a key figurehead in the war and the person who best handles the talks and meetings with the other planets

not to mention that she has powers all of them lack, including coran

someone like that isnt exactly easily replaced

shiro said it himself when the others reminded him he was the one who said they shouldnt take on zarkons central command at first they had no choice but to attack zarkons command center

they had to try because, the way he probably saw it, the war was as good as lost if they didnt save allura anyways

in s2 when zarkon manages to keep finding them, keith says they can fight that they should fight (this is actually considered a flaw that he needs to overcome, and is addressed in s3 - he needs to learn to choose his battles) but shiro says that they dont stand a chance against zarkon and his entire fleet

again, he didnt just suddenly change his mind and hes not being hypocritical in any way he explains why they cant because keith doesnt know how to pick his battles yet

they pull back, because shiro doesnt yet see a chance for them to come out of the battle victoriously theyre not prepared yet

later when shiro says that they will be attacking, its different its on their terms its not him listening to keith because he suddenly saw an error in his own judgement or whatever this is shiro acknowledging that there is an advantage to be gained this way they have a chance here that isnt more likely to leave them all dead thats called picking your battles

shiro isnt a bad leader for it in fact, its exactly what will make keith a better leader in s3

3) regarding shiro and keith and leadership 

shiro does not have 'a lot of nerve' to tell keith that he has to control his emotions if hes going to lead

shiro is well aware of the fact that sometimes, when youre put into a position where youre responsible for not just yourself, but a whole team of people, you cant let your judgement be clouded by emotions sometimes the things you have to do are not always the things you want to do

its true that keith is rational and can make smart decisions, but in the context of when shiro says this to keith its because he acknowledges that keith still lets emotions cloud his vision sometimes and the scene prior was one of those times you cant lash out at your team you have to talk to them properly thats the kind of thing shiro is trying to have keith understand

(and for the record, the decision to attack zarkons command center was not a decision that seemed to be based on emotion. at the time they attacked, shiro was not aware of the control zarkon still had over the black lion, so he couldnt have been scared of that and sure he might have been scared about what would happen to himself, to allura, to the team, but it was a risk they had to take because allura is too crucial to their mission - thats not an emotional decision its a smart one)

but hes not saying "dont be like me" to keith when he says keith has to control his emotions hes saying this because he acknowledges that keith has potential but he also acknowledges that his potential is still hindered by things that keith needs to work on and overcome

also, keith going against zarkon was not emotionally driven it was more likely keiths idea of a way to gain a huge advantage in the war no emperor to lead automatically means that the opposing side is weakened substantially

it wasnt necessarily the right thing to do either keith had no idea of what zarkon was capable of (pick your battles - going in blind isnt exactly advisable and coran even TELLS him not to do it. coran has been shown to have known more, which is a given considering he was present 10000 years ago)

also shiro doesnt have blind faith in keith for a long time now, canon has been hinting that shiro and keith have a backstory shiro knows keith better than anyone else because the rescue from the garrison was very clearly not their first meeting ("its good to have you back", “its good to be back”)

also the insinuation that shiro is not fit to lead because he has ptsd... yikes i dont think i need to elaborate on why exactly that implication is yikes-worthy

its true that keith displays leadership potential early on in the show but this doesnt necessarily mean that shiro isnt a good leader and that keith is automatically better

shiro isnt perfect, but hes a great leader canon has told us time and time again that keith has to grow into the role

(also the reason keith follows shiro and not the other way around: shiro changed his life. shiro is a positive person in his life and keith both trusts and relies on him because shiro didnt give up on him. this is why he follows shiro)

shiro doesnt "hold him back" shiros done nothing but push keith forward and support him keith would be insulted if someone thought shiro was any less than his biggest supporter (”if it wasnt for you, my life would have been a lot different”, “shiro is the only person who didnt give up on me -  i wont give up on him”) shiro showing keith reason and explaining why they cant follow through on some of the things keith wants to do isnt "holding him back"

its true keith sees a lot of good stuff in shiro but the same is true for shiro to keith its mutual and shiro tells keith he wants him to lead voltron not because he doesnt want keith to follow him and wants to follow keith instead he tells keith this because shiro acknowledges that sometimes in war, things happen he could die and hes had some close calls he wants keith to lead because he knows he can trust keith to lead the team he knows that if keith leads, even if hes gone the team will be left in capable hands hes been trying to nurture that

4) in regards to keith stopping pidge from leaving and shiro stopping keith

keith is right about pidge putting two people over the universe however shiro is right about how you cant force people to be part of the team you dont nurture bonds that way you dont build a team that way

why? how do you expect to build a functioning team if a member is reluctant to be part of it

personally speaking, when i dont want to do something i dont end up doing the thing as well as i could be and im unhappy doing the thing the whole time

thats not good for the team shiro knows this and so, if pidges mind really cant be changed, he wont force her to stay also, paladins can be replaced and im sure shiro knows that considering when they first met allura, she asked them what happened to the blue lions paladin they know there were paladins before they know that they are not the first they are not the only paladins

it wouldve set them back, but if they really needed to, theyd look for a new green paladin to take pidges place you cant fight a war with someone who isnt willing to fight a war

also to say that shiro doesnt care about finding the holts as much is just.. first of all, weve established that shiro puts their purpose first im more sure that he wants to find them and just knows they dont have the time to put all their focus on finding two people when a universe is at stake

whether they have to find a new green paladin hinges on pidge, but hes not going to force her to stay besides, forcing someone to stay and fight a war... it doesnt sound like a good idea, ultimately keiths heart is in the right place and he has the right idea, but theres more to being a leader than telling people what to do its a job that requires understanding, especially for the people within the team

its true it wouldve been dangerous for pidge, but shiro is a recently escaped captive from the galra empire this, in addition to who he seems to be as a person... i think the last thing he wants to do is keep someone somewhere against their will and force them into doing something

and shiro telling keith he wants him to lead wasnt him trying to force the role on keith he was trying to give voltron the biggest winning chance in the event that he would be unable to lead them (for obvious reasons considering theyre fighting a war)

and thats about everything i have to say but im just leaving these here to organize some of those thoughts its kind of a mess but i tried to address everything i order as best as i could

#voltron #shiro #keith #meta #for lack of a better term #idk what to call this #but i wanna have a place i can easily access it so thats as good as any #cmei rambles

[stuntchica]

i just keep getting so angry about hospital so im going to try and write down everything bad i can remember them doing to try and get it all out

when they first came to my house dr d completely waved off what i said abt not remembering childhood & being disturbed by that. he asked me to name a childhood toy & after i could he said ‘see, you can remember’ even though id literally seen that toy that morning & was remembering from,, you know,, my whole life not just my childhood

despite the fact that i was not a danger to myself or anyone else, dr d decided after seeing me for 20 minutes that i had to go into hospital. he said i could either come informally myself or he would have me sectioned

i was not told how long i would be there for. we were told to bring an overnight bag so i expected it to just be overnight. when i got there i was told that i’d be there for at least 2 weeks

when they first gave me the menu to order off i wasnt told that there was a Rule that i had to finish everything so i ordered the thing i thought id like the most even tho i knew there was stuff i wouldnt like with it

when the food arrived (pizza, peas & chips) i ate everything except the cheese on the pizza bc it was cheddar & thats a Bad Food(tm) & i was really proud of myself bc it was more than i’d had in one sitting for weeks. the exact words the nurse with me said were ‘this counts as a failure’

when the snack time came around no one told me the full list of options (weeks later i found out that chocolate was available) so i picked a yogurt. after opening it i realised it had bits in it but i was too scared to ask for a different one bc i didnt like any of the other flavours. i ate as much as i could but i rlly couldnt stand the bits. the nurse with me told me it was another failure but another nurse in the room, thankfully, replaced her & understood what had happened

i dont remember what happened on the rest of the first day bc my abandonment fear kicked in and i got really panicked when my parents had to leave

i dont remember the rest in chronological order, but lets see

the room i was put into had a leaky toilet. it would leak all night long and due to how the bathroom was the leak echoed. it sounded like a waterfall. every time they came to fix it it would break again later that day. my shower was also broken and wouldnt turn on

i had to have a blood test on a friday but they didnt send the bloods off straight away so i had to have another one the next monday. keep in mind that i have an intense fear of needles

dr d compared me going on the internet to drug addicts waiting in line for heroine, even after i explained that it was the only way i had to avoid isolating myself & tried to explain what i actually do there

i couldnt eat a meal and was told ‘if you dont start eating we’ll have to make you’ despite the fact that i was eating when i could & if i couldnt finish a meal i was eating chocolate that was in my room. also despite the fact i was an informal patient so that was literally not possible

dr d spent hours trying to convince & guilt me into agreeing to take medication, despite the fact that was the one thing i’d always said no to (fun fact! i literally cant swallow medication. no one took me seriously when i said that either). eventually tho the psychologist spoke to him abt it & he stopped

the first 2 weeks i was there i saw no therapists. at all. because it was the easter holidays and they were away. there was nothing to do all day except watch tv, colour, & play cards. despite the fact that we were all so bored we were not taken out of the hospital or allowed access to our phones

in fact, for the entire 2 months i was there i was only taken out by staff twice. both those times happened in the same day. and were to the same place. a costa that was in the main hospital. does it even count as going out if youre just taken to a different part of the same building?

i had to stay there for 2 months while actively suicidal patients were allowed to leave before their 2 week assessments were over

even my camhs psychologist admitted that she didnt expect them to keep me for more than 2 weeks

the hospital psychologist admitted that she had no idea why dr d was insisting i stay for so long

i was told i was going to be put on a meal plan. i told them that would make me lose weight bc it would further limit how much i could eat. they didnt listen to me and blamed me when i did, in fact, lose weight

for the first month i was there no one did anything about my weight. i had to keep telling them that was my main problem and i needed help with it. after their ‘help’ hindered more than anything i regretted bringing it up

one night we found a piece of paper saying ‘i have a knife and im going to use it to self harm or kill someone’. when we all got, understandably, scared the nurses patronised us and got annoyed with us

a nurse yelled at my friend for ‘not being polite’

my friend managed to run away from the hospital twice. there were warning signs that the rest of the patients picked up on. she nearly killed herself both times

my friend found a razorblade on a seat. she was so shocked to see it there she said out loud ‘there’s a razorblade’. she said later that she regretted alerting everyone to it bc the nurses obviously took it away. we still dont know how it got there

one girl brought in a pair of scissors. no one had thought to check her bag. luckily she didnt intend to use them for anything other than arts & crafts (& cutting her hair, which is how i found out about the scissors & told her to hand them in. yeah, they didnt even notice she had scissors until i pointed them out)

one girl stole a syringe from the medical room and used it to take the supplement out of her nose tube. they didnt notice for weeks.

one week i gained some of weight. when i was happy dr d said ‘thats not really enough to be happy about’. the next week a lost less weight than i had gained. he spent half an hour telling me about how much of a failure i was

dr d tried very hard to have me diagnosed with atypical anorexia despite me consistently saying ‘i want to gain weight because i know im unhealthily underweight’ and the fact that the reason i was admitted to camhs was bc i went to the doctor for help to gain weight

my parents came to collect me to go out every day at 1:30pm. one day by 3:30pm they still werent there. i was scared something had happened because i had no phone to text them using. eventually i was told that the staff had called them to tell them not to come, and no one had told me. i had a panic attack because theyd gone behind my back and this meant i wouldnt be able to text my fp all day. the next day when i saw dr d he said ‘youre nearly 18 isnt it a bit childish to get upset over not seeing your parents for just one day?’

an ot that i saw said that i ‘put on an american accent and smiled when it was pointed out’. what really happened was she asked if i had an american accent and i smiled out of awkwardness and said ‘i speak to american people so maybe i picked it up??’ bc i didnt want her to feel awkward. if she had asked me i would have told her that i wasnt trying to put on any kind of accent

we were allowed to watch the babadook and mama but the second we suggested a film about psychosis we were told no

me and my friend got yelled at for what was on tv once

they called the police on patients, multiple times, when it was clear that no one would have reacted violently if they’d just done their jobs right

my friend cried because she knew after she left hospital she would have a criminal record. she had punched a nurse by accident while having a panic attack

i was told i could go home & was being discharged. i emptied out my room and spent a great 2 weeks at home. then we were called and i was told i had to go back for a night

dr d always had an idea in his head of what was wrong with me, and if i said anything that went against it he’d tell me that i was either lying or in denial

dr d told me off for not looking at him and said it wasnt polite

dr d told me off for crying

dr d told me off for not feeling safe with my eyes closed

dr d told another patient that she was probably not autistic bc she understood what ‘pull your socks up’ meant

despite me saying that i wanted to be assessed for asd nothing happened. they told me that they would consider me to be ‘informally autistic’ but that meant literally nothing

nurses thought that they could get me to eat by sitting next to me and guilting me

very few nurses noticed that i ate chocolate after meals because i was aware of the fact that i wasnt eating much & i wanted to change that

i had to eat chocolate after meals bc no one listened to me when i explained my food issues and that was the only way to make sure i was eating

there was what was basically a riot. i wasnt there when it happened but its easy to see how people got that upset and angry

the day after the riot everyone was punished, even those of us who hadnt even been at the hospital

my friend was shut in the ‘rumpus room’ (padded room). its illegal to do that

it took a month before someone told me i was allowed to discharge myself

i spent two months in a psychiatric hospital. it was never explained why i was there in a way i could understand. dr d literally said ‘my colleagues ask why you’re still here’ yet he didn’t discharge me. if i hadn’t turned 18 im sure i would still be there. i wasnt diagnosed with anything. it made my mental health worse

this isnt even everything because my memory of then is very patchy

#yellow.txt #.txt #long post -- #hospital -- #food m -- #calories m -- #ed m -- #doctors m -- #ask to tag -- #ableism ? -- #medical abuse ? -- #hospital tag