#i don’t hold any hopes of our relationship surviving or thriving in the future so this is my shot to just go wild

[aritany]

tonight i talk to my parents on a video call for the first time in almost a year. the last time we spoke, they were trying to convince me to go back into the closet and masquerade as a straight woman so my ex would take me back. i’ve spent a year growing teeth and rage and i just found out last night they have been reading abigail shrier’s book irreversible damage: the transgender craze seducing our daughters (iykyk).

i don’t intend for there to be survivors.

(what else are the teeth even good for?)

#alex talks #personal #transphobia tw #transphobia #i know this is The heaviest thing to just bump into on your dash so i hope word filters get this one for anyone who may have a bad time w it #anyway wish me luck #i’ve decided this conversation is going to be fun #i don’t hold any hopes of our relationship surviving or thriving in the future so this is my shot to just go wild #tell them everything i wish i has when i was a closeted kid listening to them spout bullshit

[gryffindors-weasley]

Always

Draco Malfoy x Fem!Reader

Summary: When Draco finds himself on thin ice with his father, he still can’t seem to keep from you.

Word Count: 3.2k

Warnings: angst, secret relationship, poor parental relationship, stress/anxiety about the future, fluff, kissing

A/N: Flash back is in italics. This is an alternate version of my fic here !

The divination classroom. It has always been amongst your favorites. It was far more contrasting to the others, consisting simply of stone walls and arched ceilings, wooden desks and frosted windows. The room of divination was full of mismatched tapestries draping in ruffles from the walls in bursting colors, equally so in the various sizes cushions and chairs with rugs to match. A handful of intricately patterned ceiling fixtures hung down, tassels dangling from them. It was warm and it was welcoming in comparison to the cold and darker rooms.

“Why is it that we’re coming here?” Draco asks with a sigh, trailing behind you as you ascend the last few steps of the winding spiral staircase.

You turn to him with a grin and a raised brow, a look he soon returned as he grasped your hand in his own. “I think we could do with a change of scenery after all. I’m growing rather tired of the astronomy tower, love.”

“What’s wrong with the astronomy tower?” He scoffs in faux offense, his brows furrowing as you tugged him along with you into the vacant room as he looks over his shoulder once more.

“It’s far too cold and cloudy to go up there tonight. Besides, this is one of my favorite rooms in the whole castle if you must know. You will survive just this once, Draco,” you jest lightheartedly, releasing his hand to skip ahead of him as he groaned at your sudden absence and he had no choice but to follow you. Though he felt he’d follow you anywhere, really.

“And if I don’t?” He calls after you just to be difficult, pinching a piece of red velvet fabric between his fingers before his eyes roam back to you.

You turn on your heel and purse your lips at him, narrowing your gaze as you fight your smile. You shake your head as he holds your stare just the same, his head tilting and eyes squinting as he challenged you and you readily gave up on suppressing your grin for a moment longer.

“You didn’t have to join me if this is not to your taste, you know,” you say, and he rolls his eyes as he tugs you close to him by a gentle grip on your hand. “You’re more than welcome to leave, but I have a feeling you’d miss me too much if you did.”

He silenced your very logical words with a kiss, your laughter dwindling as you relaxed against him. His kiss was soft and tender as he hummed against your lips, his hand coming to brush your hair behind your ear as his lips moved from your own to sweep across your cheek. They linger just under your jaw before pressing chastely under your ear, his nose brushing over your skin.

“Must you always pick on me, darling?” He murmurs, his breath tickling against the shell of your ear.

Your soft laughter starts up again at his words, pulling his attention back to your gaze as he pulls back to look at you. You rest your hands on his chest, your fingers splaying across the black fabric of his button up and smoothing over his matching tie. “Yes, I think I must.”

With that, you turned away from him and left his loose embrace much to his dismay, twirling once in the center of the room with open arms. He watched as you smiled contently, your eyes falling closed as you tip your head back and bask in the peace that came with nightfall. In the enchantment of the room. For it was the time where you could love one another as freely as you’d like, for as many hours as the moon remained in the deep navy sky. He wanted desperately to love you in the light of day, without fear of prying eyes and listening ears. But you knew why things were the way they were.

He watched the way the moonlight danced across your skin, glowing against your effortless beauty as it shines in your hair. It left him wondering how someone so perfect could love someone so flawed. He found himself to be an anchor tied to you at times, his mistakes and current standing in the wizarding world something he felt kept you from thriving the way he knew you would, the way you deserved. You already were, far more than he could say for himself.

You radiate warmth and kindness, something he so desperately craved and found he could not keep himself from. To him, you were the embodiment of sunshine and he felt he was quite the opposite, rather bringing storms and rain. Yet still, you chose to love him in spite of it. He felt guilty, really. For having a father who made you feel like your relationship was in jeopardy without ever having the displeasure of meeting the man. For not being able to love you as fully and openly as he so desired.

“Are you going to join me or are you going to stare all night?” You quip, breaking him from his pestering thoughts.

His gaze flickered from the vacant spot you once stood in to where you sat on purple velvet cushioned stool. You smiled as the crystal sphere flowed before you and a grin of his own tugged at the corner of his mouth. He took a seat on the small crimson stool right next to you, finding himself a bit too tall for such a small seating arrangement but he decided against complaining.

The sphere before you contained a fog-like haze that swirled around much like the clouds just beyond the windows.

“Just what are we doing?” He asks, an amused smirk on his lips as he raised a brow.

“You’ve claimed yourself to be the best at telling the future what was it, four years ago? Surely you must be an expert on such a thing now, Dray,” you say, laughing at his scrunched nose and the way he gripped your stool and tugged you closer with one swift pull. “Tell me, what will our future be in five years’ time?”

He chuckles, shaking his head fondly as he looked from the crystal to you. “That’s quite simple, I don’t need some silly crystal to tell me that.”

You raise your brow in amused curiosity. “Tell you what?”

He looks at you attentively, his smirk softening to an adoring smile. “That I’ll love you as long as you’ll have me, and even more.”

You nearly rolled your eyes at his sappy words, but you found them too sentimental and the look on his face far too endearing to do so. That and you couldn’t ignore the heat in your cheeks from such a declaration. But you also didn’t have it in you to miss an opportunity to tease him.

“I love you, very much I do. But I have a sneaking suspicion you don’t know how to use that thing, Love,” You jest, and he rolls his eyes as he fights his smile.

“I’m convinced you love to torment me,” he frowns, unable to sustain it with the way you’re giggling at him.

Despite the lighthearted moment, he finds he can’t enjoy it fully with the worry weighing heavy on his mind. Your question was merely playful, but it had been one that frequented his thoughts far more than he cared to ever admit, more than he ever will admit. In a perfect world, he would have felt confident with the idea of loving you for the rest of his life. Would have felt rather excited for your future together because he loved you entirely too much for his own good. But it was hard to indulge in thinking of such dreams when there were things in particular pressing down on his shoulders.

That one night in particular, to be specific, he would never forget that.

Draco stood at the end of the vacant corridor, palms pressed flat to the cold surface of the window sill as he peered through the latticed glass. The commotion from the ball had been more than enough with just the thirty minutes he’d spent in the large ballroom housed at the opposite end of the long hallway. Even with the distance from the boisterous event it was still just as nauseating—his ears ringing with the clinking of glass and goblets, with the shrill laughter seeping into the space he wished would alleviate his tension. But alas, it did not.

The dusty air in the Manor had not done him any bit of good, not even a shred. His mind was far busier than any overly lavish event his parents could throw, racing from one thought to the next in an endless loop. He grew rather tired of pretending to be interested in any of the meaningless conversations he was subjected to, tired of standing along the same gray wall in the shadows in hopes they’d leave him alone. He could do that perfectly well now that the only company was himself.

The moonlight had trickled in through the windows in broken beams, illuminating every fleck of dust that had been floating around him, casting him in a small pool of light. He knew staying in there a moment longer simply wouldn’t be feasible, he’d go mad. Besides, he was far too distracted with more important matters, so much so he hadn’t wanted it to draw attention to himself. He had been far too distracted by you.

As he looked out over the garden it was inevitable that that had been where his mind would shift to. To each and every night you spent hand in hand within it, or the more than numerous kisses you shared tucked away behind decades old oak trees and crumbling statues. It reminds him of the way your hair glimmers in that very moonlight and just how your eyes sparkle. It reminds him how just how much he wanted to be with you in that very moment; he always found he’d rather be with you.

Fancy ballroom events had never held his interest very much, and the more they occurred the less that interest remained. Especially with the way thing seemed to be spiraling as his seventh year continues to break apart. The attendees only ever wanted to talk to him because he was the Malfoy heir, not because they cared to converse with him and how he was doing, but because they wanted to talk about he who he refuses to give the satisfaction of naming. He didn’t want to talk about things most undesirable, there was more to him than slytherin title, than to be a Malfoy. There was more to him than what he could use his social standing for. He knew that, you knew that.

He wanted so desperately to leave the bleak and endless maze of that manor. To part from that grand window and to be somewhere else, anywhere, with you. He wanted to—

“Draco,” a voice sounded behind him. A voice he’d rather not hear. His father. He squeezed his eyes shut in preparation for conversation. “Have you grown bored?”

The tone he held was not one of curiosity, he genuinely did not care less about whether or not he had been bored. He did not care about very much when it came to his son, his only child. For no reasons other than selfish ones, anyway.

Draco laughed bitterly to himself, his back still turned to his father. “Yeah, you could say that.”

It was quiet, save for the lingering notes of the piano and endless chatter that filtered out into the corridor. The silence from his father was near painful, and he’d be lying if he said his heart hadn’t begun to pound more vigorously against his chest. The absence in conversation was starting to make him nervous with each passing second, and he was beginning to think he’d left altogether. No, it would not be that easy.

“You seem rather distracted, Draco,” he states after a few agonizing moments, and his heart squeezes in his chest at the familiar sense of knowing woven around each word. He swallows thickly as he fixes his stare down on the windowsill. “Is something on your mind? Or someone, perhaps.”

He wants desperately to take a deep breath as panic settles thickly within him, but that would be far too obvious an indication that his assumptions were, in fact, correct. His mind races a mile a minute, however, and he finds himself scrambling to think of an answer.

“No, there is not, father. I’m just not in the mood for discussing luxuries with any of your friends,” he responds, tone sharp and defensive.

He hears a humorless chuckle sound closer behind him, a sound accompanied by the click of his walking stick. Lucius had his suspicions of you, ever since he’d noticed his son’s newfound distraction, newfound stubbornness to follow his rules. It had only further been confirmed by the smile his son seemed to be caught wearing when he thinks no one is watching. He knew it and he hated it.

Draco felt paralyzed in his spot, unable to form an excuse to leave this very situation. He was tense and increasingly bothered by the threatening presence behind him. He was unsure if there would be repercussions of his displeased counter at his question, hadn’t known just what to expect. Hadn’t known until he felt the hand of his father grab firmly to the back of his neck, cold and calloused fingers pressing to his skin just inches from his shoulders. He flinched at the sudden and startling action, breath hitching in his throat as he brows furrow in a wince.

“Listen closely, my dear son,” he muttered venomously in his ear. “I don’t know what it is you’re up to, but that girl of yours, the one distracting you from your orders—I will not tolerate it.”

He gulped at his father’s words, and he was quite sure he could hear the rhythmic and incessant pounding of his heart in the close proximity. His hands had begun to shake as they gripped tighter on the ledge of the windowsill. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The grip on his neck tightens a fraction. “You reek of her perfume, do not tell me you do not know what I’m talking about,” he says through gritted teeth. “You have me mistaken for a fool, Draco. Deal with it, or I will.”

His threatening words are accompanied by a brief shake to emphasize them, jolting him slightly before his harsh grip is released and his footsteps diminish. He was left to stand there alone once more, angry and afraid as his nostrils flare with his sharp inhale and his jaw tensed, eyes lining with tears. His lip quivered under the pressure to suppress it, knuckles turning white under his tightening fists. He knew of you.

“Draco?” The mere softness of your tone pulls him from his distracted trance, that and the way your hand settled on his cheek. “Are you alright?”

His hand comes to rest over your own as he looks at you and leans into your touch without second thought, his blue gaze flickering between your own. He simply nods, his thumb brushing gingerly over your skin as he smiles softly, assuringly. “I’m fine, darling.”

Your returning smile makes his heart flutter within his chest, though he knows that you knew him far better to believe that. But you don’t push it.

When you start speaking he doesn’t entirely know what you were saying in that very moment, for he was much more focused on the way your lips moved with every word, every syllable. On the way your lashes splay against the tops of your flushed cheeks each and every time you look down at that wondrous crystal ball. Or the way your hand pulled from his cheek to rest over his own, playing absentmindedly with the silver slytherin ring worn on his finger. He didn’t particularly like that piece of jewelry, but he only wore it for that habit of yours.

You were so enamoring in everything you had done and he’s sure that will remain true, so utterly spellbinding he feels as though he never stood a chance. You were far more enchanting than the very magic the two of you had known your whole lives, and he knew that to be factual.

“Remember when you—”

His lips had pressed on yours before you could finish your sentence, his hand slipping from under yours to rest warmly upon your cheek. The soft bout of laughter puffed against his lips was enough to let loose a flurry of butterflies within him, a feeling only you have ever caused even with just a mere glance in his direction. The tension in his body dissipated the more he kissed you, the worry dissolving from his mind in that very moment.

When he parted from you he’d thought better of it as he kissed you once, twice, three more times. His lips were pink and kiss swollen, chunks of messy platinum dipping down in his eyes as he gazed at you adoringly. You kissed him again, fleeting and sweet, and it left him smiling softly as his fingertips brushed over his lips. The action made your cheeks stain a deeper scarlet as you looked away momentarily, but you couldn’t help but to return your gaze to him.

“What was that all about?” You ask in playful amusement, still breathless and blissfully awestruck from the burst of affection.

He laughs at that, because you too were delightful and dizzying, and he can’t seem to hide that fact. He dips down and does so again, this time a mere featherlight kiss, his eyes fluttering closed as he relishes in the soft intimacy passing him by. One he does not want to end.

“Just because,” he whispers.

You reach up and smooth the worry creasing between dark brows, your fingers brushing under the hair falling over his forehead and tracing down his cheek. You smiled at the seemingly silverness of his hair in the moonlit glow, the pale blue of his eyes something else entirely.

You rest your forehead on his, noses bumping and laughter mingling before fading into soft smiles. “I love you, always.”

His smile widens a fraction at your words, sincere and true. It makes his heart pound in his chest and his cheeks stain the softest shade of pink as his lips ghost over yours, brushing together with every word. “I love you, always.”

He might not have paid too much mind to that crystal ball for fear of the outcome he felt couldn’t possibly be what he’d dreamt of. He might not have allowed himself to ponder too long on what awaits him for the future for himself, for himself with you. For if he had, he just might’ve seen that life hadn’t intended to be quite as cruel to him as he’d been thinking. Maybe if he gave it a chance he’d see his fate hadn’t been so terrible in the end. But for now, for right now he was content with setting those thoughts aside in favor of kissing you in the moonlight behind vibrant and mismatched curtains. He was content with disregarding his father’s absurd wishes, they did not matter.

He loved you now and he loved you always.

—

Tags: @amourtentiaa @hahee154hq @dracosathenaeum @snitches-at-dawn @harrysweasleys @awritingtree @anchoeritic @writeroutoftime @lunalovecroft

#draco malfoy #draco malfoy one shot #draco malfoy fluff #draco malfoy angst #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy x you #draco fanfiction #draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy fic #draco x you

[reyescarlos]

#30 from the Prompt list for Tarlos! Please :3

yesss, thank you for sending in a request! hope you like it!

#30 “I love you, okay? I’ll say it as many times as you need to hear it.”

TK looks up at the sky, watching clouds drift lazily above him. This is truly a perfect day, his mind at ease in a way it always seems to be whenever he’s spending quality time with Carlos, the man who has had his heart for eleven months now. There may be other people around enjoying the warm weather too but everything outside the perimeter of the blanket they’re stretched out on now doesn’t affect him.

A Sunday picnic in the park is just one of the many simple pleasures in life that he’s been relishing in. The simplicity of being in Carlos’ company is a comfort, one that TK never takes for granted.

Carlos’ head is beside his own, his body facing the opposite direction. Carlos sighs heavily and TK turns his head to read his expression. The man looks pensive, brows furrowed slightly, his lips now pursed in thought as his gaze remains on the sky. TK lifts a hand and smooths one of Carlos’ brows with his index finger, coaxing him from his deep thoughts.

“Where’d you go?”

Carlos faces him then, a small smile on his lips though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. TK lowers his hand but Carlos takes a hold of it and clutches it to his chest.

“I’m right here with you.”

TK can’t help but to smile at the gesture, especially at the quickening thump of Carlos’ heart as the man peers over at him. Nothing seems to ground them more than physical touch; holding hands, hugging, a gentle squeeze. These little instances never fail to bring them back to base.

“Can I ask you something?” Carlos says.

There’s a note of hesitancy in the question that makes TK sit upright. Carlos very rarely sounds unsure of himself and if the look on his face now is any indicator, he appears to be truly nervous about whatever it is he intends to ask.

“Of course you can. What’s on your mind?”

Carlos falters for a fraction of a second before pushing through.

“It’s sort of about your relationship with Alex.”

The name comes out with some disdain. TK does his best to mask his surprise though he doesn’t think he’s doing a very good job of it. Carlos never mentions his ex and TK certainly hasn’t had any interest in thinking about the man, let alone bringing him up either.

“Oh? Um, sure. What about it?”

Carlos sighs and sits up too, rubbing at the back of his neck.

“I’m just wondering if that experience has spoiled your views on the subject of marriage.”

TK’s eyes widen and he tries to say something but comes up short. Things have been going perfectly for them since they made their relationship official. This is without a doubt the healthiest and most stable relationship TK has ever been in. To have such a connection to someone, especially on the heels of his last relationship, TK has been pinching himself over his luck.

He and Carlos always talk about loving each other forever but now that TK thinks on it now, they’ve never explicitly talked about it in terms of marriage. It just felt like a given.

He’d love nothing more than to always have this, to be this beside himself with joy and gratitude. In Carlos he’s found true love, one that doesn’t leave him feeling drained and yet still somehow as if he’s not enough. It’s the complete opposite of life with Alex and all the failed relationships that came before.

TK hadn’t been expecting Carlos to have marriage on his mind at this moment and he’s so stunned that he can’t even say anything.

Carlos cringes a bit at his silence and TK could just kick himself for it. But before he can clarify what his silence means, Carlos keeps talking.

“I’m not saying we’re there yet, of course. I know we haven’t even been together for a full year. But I’d be lying if I said I couldn’t easily picture that kind of future with you. And if, hopefully when, the time comes for us to actually reach that stage...I don’t know. I’ve never loved someone this deeply before.

“I don’t know if it’s too soon to even be talking like this. Or if I’m bringing up things you’d rather forget. All I know is that I always want us to be on the same page because I want a happy ending with you, TK, whatever that may look like for us.”

Carlos stops then and shakes his head. “This went a lot smoother in my head,” he jokes nervously. “Sorry for being all over the place.”

TK smiles softly. “You’re doing just fine, babe.”

Seemingly reassured, Carlos pulls in a long breath and nods before continuing.

“He was important to you. You loved him enough to want to make the ultimate commitment. But since things didn’t pan out as you would have hoped,” he says, a polite understatement TK thinks, “I’m curious if you’ve written off the idea of one day marrying someone.”

TK takes notice of the word someone but doesn’t press it. He can already see how vulnerable Carlos feels now even mentioning any of this. He supposes it may just make it easier for Carlos to discuss, phrasing it this way.

“Honestly, no, he hasn’t ruined the concept for me. I’ll admit, when it first happened, I didn’t see a way out of that hopeless feeling. I didn’t think I’d ever be ready to date again. Then you came along and proved me wrong.”

Carlos smiles faintly at this, placing a hand on TK’s knee.

“I’m not ruling anything out. My life has taken turns I never saw coming, some surprises much better than others,” he says, bumping his knee softly against Carlos’ with a smile. “But through it all, all those highs and lows, I’ve grown and I’ve changed.”

“So, you could see it in the cards for us?”

TK touches a hand to Carlos’ face, stroking his cheek.

“I could. Anytime I think about our future, it looks so damn bright to me...all of this potential. You make me the happiest I’ve ever been.”

It’s the honest truth. Each morning he wakes up grateful to have Carlos and on those particular mornings he sees Carlos in the spot beside him, he has to wonder how he’s even the same person that suffered so greatly in New York to be thriving so well in Austin.

“No has ever mattered to me this much. I know we’re in a good place with each other,” Carlos says. “ I don’t ever want to lose you or this feeling. And I know that’s a lot of pressure to put on someone, I know. I just had to put that out there.”

TK frowns. “You don’t ever have to worry about that sort of thing with me. I love you, okay? I’ll say it as many times as you need to hear it. I’ll invent a whole new language just to find another way to tell you how in love with you I am, if that’s what it takes for the message to sink in,” he muses. “I don’t think I really knew what love could actually feel like until this.”

“Even with…,” Carlos trails off but TK can fill in the blanks easily.

“I’ve been realizing that what I had with him wasn’t actually love. Not in its truest form like what I have here with you, anyway. It took my life blowing up to find something real.”

TK looks off for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

“Proposing to him was a last-ditch effort to save a relationship that was so broken. I just couldn’t see it at the time...I didn’t want to, more like it. Things had been off between us for a while and I got this idea going that we just needed to be closer to fix it. I was holding on to something that I should have let go of. Loving him almost cost me everything.”

“It’s a scary thought, imagining what it’d be like if we never met. The love of my life was up in New York that whole time,” Carlos says softly. “It’s scary to think what we could have missed out on. More importantly that the world could have lost you.”

Carlos lets out a shaky breath. “I’m really glad you survived all of that. You’re the strongest person I know and I’m really, really proud of you, TK.”

TK feels his eyes stinging at the sentiment and he blinks back his tears. This isn’t something they talk about often, never mind so openly. But TK is glad for it now. As much as he hates the difficult parts of his past, it’s still a component of his present, something he’ll have to be mindful of his whole life.

But with the support of his loved ones and this man who has become his entire world, he feels confident about his successes on the road ahead.

Carlos looks down, picking at blades of grass at the blanket’s edge.

“I hate even the idea of you ever hurting but it brought you down here to me. Maybe that makes me a bad person, I don’t know. It’s selfish and so wrong to be glad that you got uprooted. I hate the circumstances but I’m glad for the result.”

TK smiles, taking Carlos’ face in his hands. He stares at him for a moment, watching the way the sunlight brings out the honey tones in his brown eyes. It’s enough to make TK melt.

His last few days in New York had been some of the harrowing and challenging days he’d ever faced. Happiness was such an abstract concept, something he didn’t think he’d ever be able to experience again. It made the unexpectedness of finding Carlos just that much more special.

“It’s not selfish and you, Carlos Reyes, are a remarkable person. I’ve never met anyone with a heart like yours. I’m glad for the second chance I got.”

He rests his forehead against Carlos’, kissing the tip of his nose, a hand cradling the nape of his neck.

“Any road that led here would have been worth it. It took a few tries but I know I’ve got it right this time. I want it all with you, Carlos. No doubts about it.”

#tarlos #tk strand #carlos reyes #911 lone star #kimmy writes #4 prompts left! I pinky promise I havent forgotten the others!

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

#anon #tw suicide #long post #sorry i dont shut up💖 this 1 hurt

[mydarlingklaus]

The Confrontation

So this is the second part of my “the merge” drabble which you can find part one here! I highly recommend you read part one first so it makes sense. This is going to be a 3 (or 4) part drabble that I’ve enjoyed writing about and hope you enjoy reading. I’ve already gotten great feedback for it. Leaving reviews on my ff.net account are appreciated. thanks :)

Summary: Aftermath of Klaus finding out that the twins have to merge. This is now the confrontation between Caroline and Lizzie.

(I will die on the hill that Klaus is Lizzie’s dad and no one can tell me shit!)

******************************************

"Mom?"

Caroline instantly lifted her tear-stained face from the palms of her hands to meet Lizzie's worried gaze from across the room. She didn't even realize how fast the school day went and it was already lunch time—nursing a second glass of scotch that had been beside her elbow since morning.

"Hey sweetie." Caroline greeted with a sniffle, wiping away the tears underneath her eyes. "I thought you were studying during your lunch break?"

Lizzie swallowed, taking in her mom's appearance of puffy red eyes and tear coated cheeks.

"Why are you crying?" She wondered.

Despite her distress, Caroline had to push it to the side and seeing her daughter reminded her of that. She still had a school to run and daughters to raise—-chalking up Klaus' absence as a 'time away for work in NOLA' with a quivering fake smile each time they asked. 'Fake it till you make it' was a phrase Caroline knew all too well.

"It's nothing." She brushed off with a hesitant smile.

"Obviously it's something." The braided haired witch challenged.

"What do you want Lizzie? I really don't have time to just talk. I'm very busy." Caroline snapped.

Lizzie scoffed. "Yeah, I can see that." Nodding her head towards the booze. "But fine we can skip the mother/daughter chit chat and cut right to the chase. I want to know why you've been lying to us."

Caroline's eyes grew and lump in her throat jumped at the abrupt—-and accurate—- accusation.

The charade worked, the first day, but Lizzie only grew more persistent. Constantly pestering and pointing out the holes in the fabricated story, mainly Klaus dodging her phone calls—he's never done that since she was able to use a phone.

"I—I don't know what you mean—"

She shook her head. "Don't do that, please don't make an idiot out of me more than you already have!"

"Keep your voice down. School is still in session." Caroline demanded in a hush tone.

The young witch telepathically slammed the door shut behind her, earning a glare from her mother.

"I want to know what happened to Klaus, and I know it was something because he's never ignored my phone calls or texts before. And he definitely never goes back to New Orleans without at least saying goodbye—emergency or not."

Three days.

Three long and antsy days had gone by since she last seen or heard from Klaus. She called all of his siblings but they to not have heard from him either.

Caroline couldn't get that look out of her head. His face full of such disgust and betrayal he could barely suppress his boiling anger—he hadn't looked at her like that since their first days of knowing each other, when he was the enemy and she didn't know what he'd mean to her.

Not that she didn't deserve it, but he didn't even say goodbye before she had to find out on her own when his things were packed and car missing. He was big bad hybrid Klaus, so she wasn't necessarily concerned for his safety, but not knowing where he was and if he was mentally stable caused just as much anxiety.

Caroline gave Alaric an earful for informing Klaus before she had the opportunity to, which only resulted in her feeling worse than she already did. She never expected Klaus to take the news about the merge lightly, but she underestimated how hurt he'd feel. He's feeling as helpless as she now does.

After hundreds of failed calls and texts, the only thing Caroline could do was impatiently wait for this return—whenever that would be. She didn't even know where he was, crying herself to sleep every night. Missing him, yearning and worried about him. Subconsciously reaching over to the cold vacant spot on the bed beside her where his warm body usually lied to embrace her in his arms as they caught slumber together. He was her refugee and security—now he wasn't. Caroline never felt more incomplete and unsafe.

It was driving her crazy not knowing his whereabouts or his well being—she couldn't pretend that the fragility of their relationship wasn't also packing into her anxiety.

Caroline sighed, standing from her office chair. "It's complicated—"

"It always is with you." She muttered.

"Hey!" Caroline sternly pointed her finger. "I don't care how you're feeling or how upset you are, you won't disrespect me."

"You have to give respect to earn it, and lying to me about where Klaus has been when you've seen me going crazy over it isn't exactly role model behavior."

"Lizzie—"

"What happened? Where is he!"

"I don't know!" Caroline blurted.

She felt all she could do in this moment was scream. As if her anxiety wasn't already thriving on Klaus' sudden disappearance her own disgusted wasn't making it better with her accusations.

"I don't know..." Caroline repeated, looking up at her beautiful daughter who's tear-filled eyes matched hers.

Lizzie cautiously approached her mother who was now holding her hand over her mouth to suppress her sobs. She pushed her hair back anxiously, swallowing her nerves while taking a seat and crossing her legs.

"Um, did you and Klaus like break up or something?" She asked, fearing the response.

Caroline shook her head, wiping under her eyes again. "No, nothing like that."

- Right?

Lizzie let out a subtle breath of relief.

"But it is something. Bad enough for him to leave out of nowhere. Please mom." Scooting to the edge of the chair. "What happened between you two?"

The obvious concern in her daughter's voice only worsened Caroline's guilt.

There was no one in this scenario she was more angry with than herself and she hated not having the answers Lizzie wanted, but she was scared. Scared to tell her the truth of why Klaus fled in the first place—possibly losing him was devastating but losing Lizzie or Josie would be soul crushing.

Caroline took a deep breath, leaning against her desk while grabbing both of Lizzie's hands. Her beautiful and smart Lizzie, with so many aspirations and goals for her future. How was she supposed to explain that in just a few years there's a 50/50 chance she won't have one?

"Um, me and Klaus had an argument."

Lizzie's eyebrows scrunched. "But you guys never argue, and if you do it's over dumb stuff like when he wanted to fly me and Josie out to Tokyo for our sweet 16 during a school week."

Caroline sadly laughed, thinking back on all of Klaus' outrageous and ridiculous gestures that made her love him so much.

"Yeah..." She sniffled. "Um, Lizzie there's something I need to tell you and I really wish Josie was here because it's actually something I need to tell both of you."

Lizzie gulped, suddenly feeling a shiver of panic run down her arms as Caroline continued.

"Jo, your birth mother, was a descendant from what is known as the Gemini coven. When you girls were first born I didn't know what that meant or the significance until your fifth birthday when you began developing your magic...that's when your father explained it to me."

"Dad?" Lizzie questioned.

- What did he have to do with it?

Licking her lips nervously, Caroline resumed. "Being apart of this particular coven comes with a price, a curse known as 'the merge', for every new set of twins. When Gemini twins turn 22 years old the merge forces you to participate in a duel against one another to determine who will lead the coven until the next generation. Only one of you is meant to survive..."

The young witch gulped again, as she tried to process what was being told to her. This was impossible information to digest and she felt any second she was going to puke.

"So...what you're saying is that, one of us will have to kill the other?" Lizzie asked, feeling more sick and confused with every burning question popping into her head and how it led to Klaus' departure.

- Did he know about this?

She wondered.

"More like absorb." Caroline clarified. "Whoever is to win the duel would acquire the other's power. That's part of why I was doing so much traveling a few years back, why I was away from home all those long and tortuous months. It was to find a cure or some type of loophole. We were hoping this would be something neither of you would even have to know about, let alone experience."

- What the hell?

Was all Lizzie could think. She felt frozen in the uncomfortable chair, barely listening anymore to her own mother justifying her reason to keep her death sentence a secret her entire life—their lives.

Josie.

How was she supposed to break this down to her sister when she didn't fully understand it herself? Lizzie's entire life felt like a lie. What other secrets were her parents keeping from them?

How did her life take such a drastic turn in a mere of a few minutes? Just yesterday she was brainstorming prom dresses and venue ideas for the dance. Post-graduation plans of going off to New York for college and stressing over if Sebastian would follow her wherever she went. Would their relationship even make it to graduation? Would she live in dorms or pursued Klaus to pitch in for an apartment? Design school or major in literature? She was supposed to be thinking about the beginning of her life, not the ending.

"I know this is a lot to take in at once and you must have a million questions that I'm more than willing to answer." Caroline said, making Lizzie blink—-one, two, three times as she mentally jumped back into the conversation. Her face still blank as the words spewed.

The letters G-U-I-L-T couldn't be bolder on her mother's face if they tried. Her pleading blue eyes and quivering bottom lip did nothing to sway Lizzie from her state of shock.

"You can't imagine how sorry I am we didn't tell you girls sooner, but it's what we felt was best at the time. We wanted to wait until your 18th birthday with the hopes we'd find a solution by then, and you girls would be old enough to understand..."

Lizzie still said nothing.

Caroline squeezed her hand. "Sweetie I know this is scary and overwhelming. Believe me this wasn't easy on me or your father having to keep it from you and your sister, definitely not how we wanted to tell you. It wasn't our intention to lie. This was an impossible decision to make, everyday it killed me that you girls didn't know but...how do you tell your children that there are things you can't protect them from, not even each other?"

One tear fell down each of Lizzie's cheek, unsure if she was more angry or sad—maybe a lot of both. Her life was flipped, disintegrating, literally hanging by a thread and the only person she wanted to console in and seek advice from was MIA.

"You should have told us..." Lizzie finally said, coldly, when she eventually found her voice. Abruptly snatching her hands from Caroline's and placing them in her own lap.

The small—-microscopic—-understanding part of her brain was quickly being dominated by her burning rage.

Her lips quivered as she stood to her feet, stepped outside the chair to increase the distance between them. Seeing Caroline's face dramatically drop made her stomach turn, briefly, then she was reminded why she looked so distraught in the first place.

She shook her head frantically. "You—you should have told us, way before now. Way before you encouraged us to live our abnormal life as greatly as possible. Remember that?"

"Lizzie—"

"Instead of giving me and Josie false hope that we had any chance of getting out of this shit town to do anything we desire, you should've just told us the damn truth!"

"Elizabeth Saltzman!" Caroline stomped her foot powerfully, enough to shake the ground.

Lizzie knew she was crossing the line but her anger piled on top of each other until it became its own monster. But she didn't care about, not anymore.

"I had dreams, real goals for my future mom." Lizzie sobbed. "For the first time in years I felt normal and was genuinely happy. My mental health was managed and I was actually looking forward to living. I was going to leave Mystic Falls, did you know that?!"

Caroline gasped. "Wh-what?"

Lizzie scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Of course you didn't, why would you? But yes I had a whole plan mapped out to leave this place after graduation. Go to school somewhere new. I wanted to stay stateside for now, probably New York with Auntie Rebekah or Los Angeles with Uncle Kol. Just to start a new life, my own, in a big vibrant city where no one knew who I was. Where I wouldn't be the neurotic witch, the bipolar freak, Josie's sister, or Caroline Forbes' daughter...I'd just be me. Attending whatever college I wan and make new real friends and finally live my life!"

Lizzie looked heartbroken, as the hot tears dogged her vision.

Caroline opened and closed her mouth. This was brand new information. It never occurred to her that either of the twins desires to flee the small town they've known as home—-neither ever brought it up. This reminded her a lot of herself at their age, stores she's told them multiple times in disguise of bedtime stories. Which only pained her more that Lizzie didn't think she could confide in her about these incredible dreams.

"You—you never told me about that."

"You never asked." Lizzie fired back, crossing her arms over chest defensively.

Caroline nodded. "You're right, I should've. I've been so invested in so many things lately I allowed them to overrun you and I'm sorry. I should be more involved in your future as well as your present—"

"Is it because you know only one of us would have one?"

Caroline's eyes narrowed offensively.

"Lizzie, of course not. I always had hope we would find something by now and I'm sorry we didn't. I'm sorry this is how you found out and that all of this is happening. You have to know this is the last thing I wanted for either of you." She pleaded, reaching for her daughter who instantly pushed her hand away.

Her chest tightened at the blatant rejection.

17 years, neither of the twins had ever been genuinely angry with Caroline before, besides basic teenage angst. Never were they full blown hateful or disrespectful, not that she blamed her but the justification didn't lessen the pain. The way Lizzie was staring at her, with such disgust and hurt pulsing through her bloodshot blue eyes made Caroline's stomach turn. She was taking the full beating for something initiated by both her and Alaric—-she'll relay the anger towards him later.

It was the same way Klaus looked at her.

Pulling a tissue from her bag Lizzie wiped her nose, biting down on her bottom lip. Growing more enraged by the second as the realization settled in and raised her eyes.

"He didn't know either, did he?"

Caroline licked her dry lips anxiously.

"Answer me." Lizzie demanded through her clenched pearly white teeth, huffing out a puff of air when her mother responded.

"No, he didn't."

Pacing, back and forth, in her corner—pinching her bottom lip between her shaky index finger and thumb Lizzie felt she was at her wits end. Despite her shattered exterior, it was comforting to know Klaus was just as in the dark about the situation.

She was certain she wouldn't be able to handle Klaus of all people lying to her too.

The young witch eventually stopped pacing, hanging her head low with her hands firmly on her denim clad hips. Trying to gather all her thoughts best she could but every conclusion had the same tragic outcome. Lizzie loved her mother, with everything she had, but this was a life decision she and Alaric made about she and Josie's life. This was a huge secret they voluntarily kept from them since birth—no matter the intentions it was wrong and harmful and drove away the only person in her life who's ever been honest with her.

Quite frankly she was too hurt and confused to care about anyone's feelings but her own.

Caroline stood patiently by her desk, waiting for her daughter to break the tension any second now.

Lizzie sniffled. "Klaus, um—Klaus wasn't an easy adjustment when he officially became apart of our lives. I didn't know what he was supposed to be to me and Josie, what Hope was supposed to be. There was a moment, brief, but a moment where I didn't want either of them around. I never told anyone that."

The baby vampire felt all her emotions bottling up in the base of her throat at her daughter's shocking admission.

"Klaus quickly became one of the most important people in my life—probably the only person I could depend on fir anything, but especially when life became overwhelming." She explained, blinking away her thick tears. "He was always the one who told me to dream big, to never limit myself no matter how far fetched it seemed. He encouraged all three of us—me, Josie and Hope—to get away from this small town the first chance we got if that's what we wanted. He wanted us to live. He was the most constant thing I had and you took that from me, you took everything from me..." She shook her head side to side, still not entirely processing the devastating news.

Caroline's chest caved and heart fell to the pit of her stomach. Hearing all of this—-what Klaus meant to Lizzie and vice versa—broke her heart more than anything she's ever encountered in her 25 years of living. All the death and tragedy that's surrounded her since knowing the existence of the supernatural held no water to the familial bond she broke between father and daughter.

Seeing Lizzie so distraught was gut wrenching, and knowing nothing she could say would make her pain go away. Caroline had to admit she underestimated the reactions from a kept secret fueled by good intentions.

Swallowing back her tears, she tried reaching her hand out again. "Lizzie please—"

"Klaus left because of you. He abandoned us and it's your fault!" Lizzie screamed, aggressively pushing her away and unintentionally blowing out the lights in Caroline's office and the outdoor hallway.

The ground shook—like a mini earthquake—but enough to rattle around everything in the large office space. No doubt the rest of the school felt it just as intensely. Caroline covered her ears and slightly lost her balance, tripping over her feet as the shaking wound down. Her initial mortified gaze now stunned and proud at her girl's amazing abilities but Lizzie wasn't letting up—leaving now room for praise.

"He left because he couldn't bare to stare at your lying face anymore than I can." She said exhaustedly. Voice hoarse, face blank and wet with tears.

Her body was present but it seemed she consciously wasn't. She had no more energy to give. After all the cries and yells she was mentally drained, not even enough to show a reaction to Caroline who was practically sobbing in front of her. Maybe there was a rational side to this, maybe, somewhere deep inside her core surely there was a justification. But Lizzie didn't have it in her to search for it, not now and she wasn't sure if she ever would.

Caroline pressed her quivering lips into a tight line, staring up at the ceiling to clear the glassy film over her eyes before fixating on her daughter again—no such luck. The rage, understood, the grief—valid. But the blatant disrespect was exceeding a level of inappropriate she didn't think was possible.

"Lizzie." She said sternly, approaching her with an equally reddened face. "This is a lot, I get that and your anger is beyond justified. I love you, and Klaus, and I really wish he was here right now but he's not. I don't know where he is yet. I don't know when or if he's coming back anytime soon and I'm sorry I can't provide you all the answers you want, but what I do know is that I'm still your mother. No matter how upset you are that is never going to change and you will not speak to me anyway you want. Is that understood?"

Lizzie swallowed audibly. Her body still facing forward as she grabbed the doorknob and twisting it with her shaky wrist. Staring Caroline down with a glare so sharp, it defined the phrase 'looks can kill'.

"You're not even my real mom. You're just the surrogate, remember?"

- Wow.

Caroline's stomach dropped, knees buckled and face drained of color and emotions. Her undead heart grew colder and weaker and body shriveled like a flower during Winter time, as Lizzie's haunting last words repeatedly stabbed her in the chest, over and over again. Her mouth opened and closed but no words came out—-there were no words to explain how Caroline was feeling. Even if it was a heat of the moment outburst, the blow couldn't have been any lower.

She didn't think anything could hurt more than watching Klaus walk away, until her distraught daughter stormed out the door without another look.

*****************************************************

Night time came quicker than anticipated. The school day came and went, and an exhausted Caroline couldn't be more relieved to be in the comfort of her home. Thankfully the house was empty, giving her all the alone tone she craved. Throwing her keys on the marble countertop after closing the door behind her—immediately making her ear upstairs to her room to drop off her bags and laptop.

After the horrific confrontation with Lizzie, the remainder of the afternoon Caroline was stuck with paperwork, phone calls, meetings and delinquent students. Never her favorite moments of the day but it was the perfect distraction from her personal life. The last thing Lizzie said still ringing in her ear and making her bleed by the lobes.

You're not even my real mom.

- Yup, still stings.

Still in disbelief Lizzie had it in her to say such a thing—to want to hurt her that badly. Bringing back the negative memories of when the twins were first born and everyone referred to them as Alaric's instead of theirs. Having to fight and prove she was worthy of the title as a mother, as if she wasn't the one who carried them for nine months and nearly died from it.

Her past frustrations beginning to mingle with the new.

She hadn't seen Lizzie around campus since and didn't make any attempts at calling or texting. Caroline figured she needed some space, it was a heavy case load of information that she was nowhere near prepared to drop yet. She wondered if Josie knew yet, or even Hope.

Caroline heavily sighed—-wanting nothing more than a warm bath, jazz on vinyl and a Cosmopolitan to was it all down.

Now in her bedroom, she prepared for just that. Her leather jacket, black pumps and laptop bag suffered the same fate as her house keys—carelessly thrown on the nearest surface. Running her fingers through her golden blonde curls with another sigh leaving her lips, taking as many breaths possible.

Looking down at the freshly made queen sized bed, she briefly paused, realizing this would make night four of sleeping in its comfort alone. No more safe and warm arms wrapped around her waist, holding her body snugged against his front. Light kisses and seductive licks up her exposed neck. Humming to sleep with a lazy smile as he whispered dirty confessions and sweet nothings on her ear. No more whispered 'I love yous' shared in the dark when basking in their mutual glow after making love.

She missed him...god did she miss him. Everything about Klaus made her feel so whole—never feeling more loved in her entire life. It amazed her how quickly he became a focal point in her life and how, just as quickly, he wasn't there.

This was the longest they've gone without speaking to each other and it was pure torture.

With that thought Caroline sat up on her bed, legs tucked under each other's and pulled her iPhone out her purse.

Her throat tightened—biting down on her bottom lip apprehensively as her thumb waved over his name in her contacts list. If she had a heartbeat she would've heard it pounding crazily in her ears by now. Giving their recent track record, the likelihood of him answering her at all was slim to none...

- What the hell.

Realizing she had nothing to lose, Caroline sucked in some bravery and pressed the 'call' button with a shaking thumb. Holding the device against her ear impatiently but, per usual, she was directed to his automatic voice message system. She wasn't too surprised he turned his phone off but more by his other skills.

Even for being centuries old and, usually, technologically challenged Klaus had enough knowledge on modern technology to disable the tracking feature.

Caroline smiled to herself at the sound of his distinct and seductive voice for his voicemail, remembering when she begged him to record one and how it took 15 minutes to persuade; nearly bursting into tears before the beep.

- This is so pathetic. You look pathetic and needy but if you just hang up now you can redeem some of your dignity.

Going against her own subconscious, she remained on the phone and quickly composed herself while clearing her throat at the sound of the beep.

- Shit.

"Hey, it's me but you already knew that because my number is in your phone." Caroline began with a sad smile and picking at the fabric of her pants with her fingertips. "Um, so I know your phone has been off the past couple of days and you're not exactly in the mood to talk to me now which I understand but um...I hope you're okay. You're on my mind everyday and...well I've had quite the day, a pretty shitty one actually and all I wanted to do afterwards was come home to you. Whenever I feel horrible I go to you, not because it takes one shitty thing to know another or anything like that. I just—" She smacked herself on the forehead.

Now she was a rambling mess, per usual when put in nerve racking situations but she caught herself. Closing her eyes for a second to release a long exhale before continuing.

Her blue eyes already welling up like the sea.

"You always make me feel better because, well you're the love of my life. That's still surreal to say, um, but it's true. You make me feel safe and valid, even when I probably don't deserve it. You're my greatest supporter, shoulder to cry on. You give me comfort, and I could really use some of that right now." She sniffled into a smile, shaking her head. "I'm so sorry, for everything. I regret keeping that from you when all you've ever done was be honest with me, but even more I regret letting you walk out that door. I didn't realize how much you were the glue keeping his family together until you were gone. We need you home, I need you. I miss you, and I really wish you were here."

The minute she hung up the phone, with a final tear streaming down her face, Alaric appeared in the doorway with bugged eyes and frustrated expression on his face.

Caroline's eyebrows pulled together in concern as she stood from her bed.

"What's wrong?"

He sighed, leaning one hand against the threshold. "It's Lizzie, she's gone."

*******************************************************

Klaus stared intently at the wall of his dark studio—sketchbook resting on his lap and a glass of bourbon in his hand. Everyone else in the house were in their respective rooms, likely asleep, but he was wide awake and alone.

He didn't intend on staying in New Orleans longer than a couple of days—-fleeing wasn't in his plans either—-but every night he'd close his and an image of the twins lying lifeless in the dirt flashed before him and jerking him awake. The news of the merge wasn't something he wanted to accept, nor something he could avoid—Caroline avoided it long enough.

Caroline.

His Caroline. His light, his love, his everything and more—who he now couldn't look at without feeling immense anger. With all the progression they've made through the years, from a friendship to blending their families he couldn't fathom why she didn't think she could confide in him. Why she didn't trust him with the truth about the girls—their girls! Now it felt too late, not enough time to be there for them the way he promised. Five years were nothing. They'll fly by in a blink of an eye, which one of them would be dead and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Despite his animosity towards her, Klaus missed Caroline the longer he stayed away. Over a decade she played a crucial role in his heart and finally having her in his life intensified the already burning love. He missed kissing her before going to sleep and distracting her from work responsibilities. Everything about her made him happy to be alive. They never went more than a day without speaking, let alone him abruptly leaving and not at least informing her of his whereabouts.

He transformed into a wolf that first night, running wild and free in the dark woods of Mystic Falls for the whole night. Desperately trying to but out his frustration that never left. The urge to rip apart anyone who stood in his way was strong. All he saw was vibrant blood shot red as the moon washed through his dark brown coat, howling to himself in despair. Klaus was usually incapable of controlling his beast but demonstrated remarkable self control as he regained form any kills and turned back to a two-legged man when the sun began to set. Getting dressed and driving off to New Orleans like his life depended on it. Compelling his way through speeding tickets and hitchhiker's blood for the road, before finally arriving to his home.

Living under the same roof with Elijah, Freya and Hayley again wasn't an arrangement he missed in the slightest. Just as nosy as ever with their millions of inquires when he arrived on the front door. Thankfully all his irritants of siblings didn't live together anymore, but it didn't take long for word to spread to Rebekah and Kol who bombarded his phone with invasive questions. Hayley was probably the most respectable. After receiving the reassurance that Hope was safe, they spoke briefly while he unpacked. She knew his surprise arrival was Caroline related but didn't press him for information like the rest of the Mikaelson clan—Klaus appreciated the discretion.

Eventually he turned his phone off, not just to ignore his siblings but to also fight the temptation of reaching out to a certain blonde. He was in no shape to speak to her right now, and their last confrontation wasn't pretty either. Instead he buried himself into his art and community to distract from the shenanigans known as Mystic Falls.

Klaus' ears perked and eyes shot up when he sensed a presence outside the mansion—his suspicions confirmed at the sound of the doorbell repeatedly ringing. He threw his head back with a groan, certainly not in the mood for any surprise company—not to mention it was the middle of the night.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

"Fuckin' hell." He mumbled, rolling his eyes.

After finishing off his drink, Klaus slammed it on the table and stood from the chair with murder on his mind.

Storming towards the front door he yanked it open with as much force as he could muster, fangs out and vampiric eyes already golden and threatening.

Klaus' body stiffened.

His jaw clenched and stomach dropped as he held the door open. A mix of emotions ran through him as he stared in awe at the blonde girl before him who was looking back at him with the doest of eyes.

"Lizzie?" His voice almost a whisper.

"Surprise!" She hesitantly waved. Her half lip-glossed smile made his chest jump and hands soften.

After the initial shock faded, his eyes observed her appearance to make sure she was at least in good condition before he lashed out.

She had an overnight bag hanging on her arm and backpack thrown across her back. It was a fairly warm night, so her washed jeans with a cropped black sweater and tennis shoes was perfect attire; however, not typical Lizzie-like attire. Her wavy blonde hair was still perfectly in place.

Klaus nearly cried at the sight of her angelic face, for more than one reason.

- What the hell is she doing here? How did she know I was here? Is she here alone?

She was safe, good, now he can be mad.

"What—what are you doing here in New Orleans, at bloody 2 A.M. no less?"

"Klaus I—"

"How did you even get here?" He asked.

Lizzie gulped. "I—I flew."

"You flew, alone?" Klaus' eyes widened with his assumption.

She nodded.

He shook his head in disbelief while running his fingers through his curls irritably as if he felt a migraine coming along.

"Are you mad!" Klaus stepped closer towards her. "You drove through the French Quarter, on your own for the first time in the middle of the night. What were you thinking? Anything could've happened to you Lizzie do you realize that!" He growled.

"But nothing did. As you can see I'm fine!"

Words couldn't describe the amount of fear running through his body and blood rushing to his brain, at just the thought of anything going awry during her journey. Whether it be through the airport or on her way to the mansion. Lizzie's safety being compromised in his own city. He didn't even care that he was yelling.

This was New Orleans, boundaries were obsolete. He's seen what can happen to girls wandering around the city alone—he's had his fair share of sins. Knowing he'd paint the entire state of Louisiana red if anyone even thought of touching her.

Klaus rubbed his hand over his face, taking a deep breath while trying to calm himself.

Licking her lips nervously, Lizzie sighed.

She knew he'd be shocked to see her but maybe she overestimated how much.

"Look, I know you're like really pissed off with me and I get that. There's an actual explanation which we can talk about all of it inside but...you wouldn't by any chance have $60 to cover my cab? I kinda already told the driver you were good for it."

Just when he thought his night was uneventful.

**********************************************************

part 3 coming soon!

#klaroline #klaroline drabbles #klaroline fanfiction #lizzie saltzman #caroline forbes #klaus mikaelson #KLAUS IS THE FATHER LIZZIE DESERVED!! #and they'd be inseparable #my writing #klaroline shippers club #caroline's voicemail was my fav part to write #and the klaus/lizzie scene obviously #lizzie saltzman-forbes mikaelson

[violetosprey]

Can I ask what it is that you like so much about yanderes? :)) I feel the same but just wanna know. I love your blog and your TTDUP / BTD analysis so much!

Thank you so much!  This is also really nice to get a question like this again.  I know I’ve mentioned a few times here and there already what I like about yanderes. This question made me really happy to see though, so instead of linking older posts, I’ll go ahead and just write my thoughts out here.

People who’ve been around this blog before may see me reiterate some stuff I’ve said in the past, but I’ll try to throw in some new points as well that I might not have covered before.

Short version:

-        The very personalized/ one-on-one relationship

-        The irony of love being a source of terror (if it’s a horror story)

-        The unpredictability and over-the-top nature of the character

-        The flexibility of a character for a story

I’ll place a longer version below.  A fair warning, I did originally start liking the character type as a horror element and still lean towards that even now, so my apologies if I emphasize that too much below. I’ll try to touch on the more romantic element as well towards the end.

“Love makes you crazy” is such a simple phrase.  People may act out of character or embarrassed in front of their loved one, or even put themselves in harm’s way to save someone they love.

“Anything in excess is bad” is another phrase I also take to heart.  For instance, all humans need water to live, but it’s physically possible to actually die from consuming too much water in one sitting (Don’t worry, it’d have to be a LOT of water- you’re not going to do this on accident).

Yanderes are a pretty good example on the validity of these statements.

Love is a very normal and necessary emotion for people to have.  Heck, if you grow up without love of ANY kind, there’s a good chance of a person developing into an unscrupulous character.  As for romance, nearly everyone desires to find that special person someday to spend the rest of your life with.  No one wants to be alone, society praises love stories and getting married is one of the most common goals in everyone’s lives.  Love is something that can bring out the best in us. Our compassion starts to thrive. There are so many stories where love is viewed as pure.  In stories of “good vs. evil,” of course love, compassion and understanding are the way of the good guys.

So what got me hooked on yanderes to begin with, and still remains one of my favorite elements about them? It’s the concept that even LOVE is something that can become terrifying when we have too much of it.

I’ve said it many times before, and I’ll say it again:  I love the irony that love can be used as a horror element.  Yanderes are essentially characters that are craving a very normal and wonderful connection with another person.  They’re focused too, so when they find the one they love, it’s intense and they dedicate themselves to that person alone.  It truly is romantic when I spell it out like that.  There are two main problems though.  The first being a yandere’s feelings are SO intense that they tend to go overboard with their actions.  They don’t know how to temper themselves at times, so what they do may seem weird or creepy even (ex. Excessive texting, odd or numerous gifts).  They also may not be able to accept other people getting in the way of their desired relationship.  The second problem being that a yandere may not be able to accept rejection.  This depends solely on if the S/O does reject the yandere for whatever reason, and what kind of yandere it is.  If it’s a selfless yandere, there’s a little less to worry about, but they WILL still remain persistent.  The selfish yanderes though, those are the ones where everything goes to hell when they realize things aren’t going their way.

Another thing I like about yanderes is, regardless of whether or not the S/O accepts the yandere, the relationship is ALWAYS very personalized.  One-on-one. I absolutely adore personalized relationships.

To explain my love of more villainous or antagonistic yanderes, I think there’s an element I never mentioned before here on this blog that helps get that point across a little more.

I love villain characters to begin with.  Plain and simple.  I have found media sometimes that I never pay attention to until randomly a villain pops up in the media that catches my eye (this may also explain a little on why I took to the BTD/TDDUP series).  

Now every hero needs a good adversary.  Not all villains are up to snuff, but when you come across one that you find interesting, everything becomes a lot more fun.  The best is when a piece of media is very good about developing unique relationships and interactions between the good characters and the villain.  It’s even better if you have the villain has a VERY particular relationship with just ONE of the good characters.

I have a little hierarchy of interest when it comes to one-on-one good guy and villain relationships. In order of least to most interesting here (EDIT:  All these relationships are interesting and fun for me, but this is categorizing which ones I like more):

5) 1v1 relationship between the hero and villain. This is purely antagonistic between the two, with one or both likely wanting to see the other dead.  Think of special rivalries like Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty.

4) Villain does not want to kill the hero.  This could be for a plethora of reasons such as a sense of respect the villain has for the hero, or the villain’s “game” would end without the hero around.

3) Villain wants the hero to join them.  This could be as a minion, a pet, a partner or their prodigy.

2) Villain is attracted to/in love with the hero.  Basically, a Batman and Catwoman relationship.

1) Villain is OBSESSIVELY in love with the hero.  THIS is where we get a yandere here.  The hero is now the pinnacle focus of the villain…not because the villain wants them dead, but because WANT them.

Like I said, the horror element is what snagged my interest first, but it certainly isn’t the only element to focus on for yanderes.

It’s been fun exploring more about yanderes on tumblr!  You can certainly expand more on romantic element of the character type.  Heck, if you FORGET the romantic element (which unfortunately can happen sometimes), then you really don’t have a yandere to begin with.  As long you make sure the character remains obsessive and possessive towards a person they LOVE to a degree, you can still have a yandere WITHOUT making them the villain or antagonist of a story. Put some elements in a story that make the yandere not the main issue.  Or you can put have the yandere and the S/O actually in a relationship. That’s a very interesting dynamic right there.

The over-the-top and unusual nature of yanderes doesn’t have to end simply because they’re not the main problem in a story or because they finally got together with the love of their life. Anime’s most famous yandere, Yuno from Future Diary, does develop a relationship with her S/O, is full blown yandere and also is not the main problem in the story (aka there’s still the Survival Game).  One of my favorite male yanderes is actually No Onyu from the Metronome manga (or webcomic?).  At least he’s a yandere so far (translations are slow as hell).  That’s a yandere in a more heroic role.  He’s very protective and it’s fun see him not only go murderous at times, but also have to hold back at the S/O’s behest.

The best thing about having a yandere in a supporting or heroic role, is you can still guarantee that there won’t be anything “normal” about the situation.  Even if the yandere has a fair control of their emotions and/or is rather tame, the way they solve issues to help their beloved is probably not going to be as clean cut as a normal protagonist would do.

You can also take really extreme yanderes, or one’s that start out antagonistic, and have them go through some character development to get past their more problematic traits (especially if it’s to become more appealing for their S/O).

To sum it up, the base element of yanderes (that possessive and obsessive love) makes them fun to watch, but they can still be flexible characters depending on the situation you place them in.

I hope this explanation didn’t sound lackluster.  I’ve been a little busy this weekend, but I really appreciated this ask.  It’s always fun to reminisce and lay things out in the open.

#yandere #male yandere #female yandere #personal interests #horror #answer

[breeeliss]

On Shiro and Adam...

So in light of the mixed reception of Season 7, I wanted to make a longer post about Shiro and Adam -- specifically what kind of role Adam played in Shiro’s life both as his partner and after his death. I think people are understandably hurt at the news of Adam dying, and I think that’s leading to a lot of misplaced anger and hatred. At its extreme, I’m seeing a lot of accusations about queerbaiting and perpetuating the “Bury Your Gays” trope. I want to speak on all of this, but as a quick prologue to this post, I want to say this: 

Queer representation does not always equal having a queer relationship on screen. Sometimes the best queer representation can be seeing yourself in a single character and connecting not just to their sexuality, but also to their journey as a queer character. This is what Shiro is for us. Our queer rep -- our gay, asian, disabled, mentally ill representation that overcame all of the trials he suffered and thrived as a character this season. 

Adam was a part of Shiro’s past, and their relationship helped define Shiro’s experiences in the present. Adam’s death is a huge blow, but to call it a “Bury Your Gays” trope suggests that his death was a useless, pointless plot point that accomplished nothing other than to make Shiro miserable. 

I don’t think that could be further from the truth. Adam’s death held purpose, and I also believe Adam’s death served as a sobering moment for Shiro that allowed him to reflect on their time together and come through with a greater understanding of what love and family truly means. 

(wc: 2.0k words) 

The Significance of a Failing Relationship 

I think it’s important to remember that Adam and Shiro’s relationship was one that was doomed to fail -- Adam and Shiro had conflicting priorities that led to more than just the one fight we were privy to in Shiro’s flashback. The reason we got a look at their relationship wasn’t just to show us that Shiro was gay and in a relationship. It was to give us a look at Shiro’s motivations and shortcomings, something that we never really had a clear sense of before this moment. 

It’s alluded that Shiro has some sort of chronic degenerative disease that is  causing his muscles to atrophy and is set to severely shorten his life. Going out into space, which puts a strain on the body even if you’re a healthy person, is a definite death sentence for Shiro -- at the very least, it’s going to cut short the good years that Shiro has left. The good years that Adam was hoping to spend with Shiro. 

Adam very clearly wants to take advantage of Shiro’s healthy years and spend it with the man that he loves. Shiro would rather risk his health and his life going into space and doing what he loves rather than spend it on Earth with Adam. Both very valid perspectives, just ones that aren’t compatible. Shiro cared more about being a pilot and exploring space than maintaining his relationship. It was more worth it to die in the line of duty rather than play it safe.

Shiro’s disease gave him a very one-track state of mind -- you have a limited amount of time left, so you better haul ass and accomplish everything you wanted to before that end comes. Everything else comes second, including your relationships. It might even mean your death. It might mean you’ll never see the people you care about again. But it’s worth the risk. 

Adam told Shiro that things were over if Shiro went on that Kerberos mission, and he went anyway. He ended a very good, very long relationship because he cared more about accomplishing his personal goals over maintaining that. It’s not a bad or a wrong decision, Shiro has a right to live his life the way he wants to. But the ramifications of this decision end up coming back full circle when Shiro comes home and realizes that it was Adam who died in the line of duty and left his partner too soon. 

What Adam’s Death Meant 

Never forget: Adam was a soldier. He was a fighter pilot. Part of being a fighter pilot was accepting that his job was inherently dangerous. Going on missions always left the possibility of death and Adam knew this. He decided to devote his life to training to become a fighter pilot anyway. 

Adam didn’t believe in dying uselessly. Shiro risking his life on the Kerberos mission was upsetting to Adam because it was entirely preventable. But Adam isn’t a stranger to risking his life for a cause that matters. And that’s essentially how Adam died -- fighting for a very clear purpose, one that he accepted the moment he enlisted in the Garrison. He doesn’t even hesitate when he’s told to go in for the attack, and neither do any of his teammates. It’s an immediate acceptance of duty. 

His death is hard to watch. We as the viewers know that they’re not going to make it. Their weapons aren’t strong enough and there are too many Galra. It was a bad call made by his CO, but Adam was part of the first wave of Garrison fighters not just because he was one of the best. It’s because he was willing to risk his life for a greater cause. In this case, it was protecting his planet. He died nobly and he died heroically along with hundreds of other brave Garrison soldiers. 

The battle that took place on Earth created innumerable casualties. So many people aside from Adam died fighting -- queer soldiers, soldiers of color, disabled soldiers, mentally ill soldiers, so many demographics of people that didn’t and never deserve to die. But that was a large theme in this season: sacrifice and loss. Even though Earth lost a lot of good soldiers during this face off, their sacrifices weren’t meaningless. They all contributed towards Earth’s liberation. Adam was a part of that. 

The “Bury Your Gays” trope is based on the useless, pointless deaths of LGBTQ+ characters in order to meaninglessly deprive queer characters of happy endings. Adam’s death wasn’t torture porn. It was tragic, but it was meaningful. He died for a purpose, a purpose that he understood and fully accepted. Nothing about that is meaningless. In fact, part of the point of the last few episodes of the season was to understand that everyone who lost their life died for a reason and would continue to live on in the hearts of those who continue to endure. 

And, lo and behold, Shiro is the one who delivers a speech saying exactly that. 

The Story of Shiro’s Endurance 

There are a lot of people who are frustrated that, as the one gay man in our main cast, Shiro is the character who has suffered the most. I don’t mean to take validity away from that complaint. But I do think the fact that Shiro being queer and enduring in spite of this suffering is very meaningful. 

As queer folks, we are often forced to survive in spite of outside forces that continuously attempt to oppress us and threaten our lives. We endure through impossibly bleak situations -- oppression, ignorance, prejudice, and violence. Many of us lose our lives because of this suffering. Many more of us depend on the strength we find in ourselves and the support of those around us to live in spite of all of that. Shiro represents that survival. 

Shiro was abducted, imprisoned, controlled, killed, cloned, scarred, and tortured all throughout these seven seasons. But he’s still here! He’s alive! As of this season, he’s no longer dying of a degenerative disease, he has control over his body, he got a new arm, and he was the Captain of the man made ship that battled the Galra and saved Earth. He’s come such a long way in spite of his struggles. Part of that was because of his own strength and his own perseverance, but he also needed those he loved and cared for in order to succeed. Without the support of Keith and the rest of the paladins, Shiro would’ve succumbed to his circumstances. 

I think Shiro learned something very valuable over the course of the series. Teamwork is important, but it’s also important to hold those you care about close. Value those you love and those you care about. Don’t let them go. Don’t forget them. You need them in your weakest moments. These are the people who will help you go on. Voltron’s emphasis on found families, on love, and on support are all things that we as queer people depend on in order to survive. That’s not a coincidence especially because it’s these same forces that keep Shiro alive. 

Adam’s death was a very sobering moment for Shiro. Because suddenly, he was the one that had to feel the pain of losing someone he loved too soon without getting the chance to say goodbye. Shiro was the one who had to say, “I wish we could’ve had more time.” I don’t think Shiro regrets his choices, but I do think he regrets the way he left things with Adam. I think he regrets making Adam think that he cared more about himself than his relationship with Adam. I think Shiro from this moment on is never going to forget how important his found family and friends are. 

That’s why it’s so poetic that Shiro was the one who delivered the eulogy at the end of the season. 

“Today is a solemn day. Today we look back at the lives that have been lost, and the sacrifices that have been made here on Earth and across the universe. There isn’t one of us here today who hasn’t experienced the tragedy of losing someone close. It truly feels like a light has gone out in our lives, and the sun itself couldn’t reignite it. But that light, that fire, has not gone out completely. It is fueled within each of us by the memories and the love of those we lost. And now we most move forward in their names and shine that light onto a new path for future generations. Today is a solemn day, but it is also a day of hope. Earth is now stronger than ever, and it stands as a beacon of light to help guide those fighting against tyranny and oppression. From here we will spread peace, and together we will hold strong as the defenders of the universe.” 

The fact that a queer, mentally ill, disabled person of color who has suffered immensely gave that speech to a crowd full of people who have also suffered and experienced loss is so inspiring. Because Shiro, by all calculations, shouldn’t have survived this long. He had so many cards stacked against him. But he’s alive. And he’s a beacon of hope for so many. Despite his loss, he’s here and he’s going to continue surviving. 

Adam didn’t die for no reason. Adam was one of those brave soldiers whose brave sacrifice has served as a beacon of light to keep everyone going. Adam’s death inspires Shiro to keep enduring. In the macro sense, Shiro is an inspiration to all queer folk watching this show and tells us all that despite our struggles, despite our circumstances, and despite our loss and suffering, we have the ability to solider on. 

What Shiro and Adam Mean As Queer Representation 

I want everyone to know that it’s okay to be upset that Shiro suffered. It’s okay to be upset that Adam died. But I also want everyone to know that this doesn’t make Voltron a homophobic or problematic show. I think the narrative they created around Shiro’s character -- his past, his struggles, his relationships, his loss -- is a truly beautiful message to send to everyone who is queer and seeing themselves in Shiro. 

Voltron doesn’t shy away from dark themes like death, war, and suffering. Voltron understands that these are unfortunate realities in all of our lives, even in the lives of the dorky, fun-loving paladins we have followed up until now. These same paladins understand sacrifice -- they understand the value of their lives and are willing to sacrifice them for a noble cause. They understand danger, accept death, and continue to soldier on anyway. That’s the lesson we are meant to walk away with, and that’s the lesson we are meant to draw strength from. 

Adam was a beautiful gay character who understood the value of life and nobly sacrificed it for the sake of saving millions of lives. Shiro is also a beautifully constructed character and a wonderful example of a gay man who is able to inspire hope in the hearts of all the other queer fans of this show who hold him in such high regard. 

None of this is useless or pointless. None of this is malicious. Everything about this is meant to send us a positive message. This is the result of impeccable writing and storytelling and I think that both of these men are able to serve as inspirations for all of us. Voltron did a wonderful job with them. Their story is one to be remembered. 

#voltron #vld spoilers #vld s7 spoilers #takashi shirogane #shiro #shadam #adashi #adam #meta #vld

[enamis1]

OC INTERVIEW

it’s that time again where I ramble about stuff only i care about! i got tagged, as always by the lovely @courierspikeee and i'm tagging @worthlesssix if they're still around and wanna do stuff 1. Choose an OC. 2. Answer them as that OC. 3. Tag 5 people to do the same.

[Three months after the Second Battle of Hoover Dam and the declaration of Vegas’s independance a young ‘news courier’ managed to orchestrate an interview with the local courier-turned-leader on the casino floor of the Lucky 38]

1. What is your name? Viva. Or Empress Vivianne if you wanna be fancy.

2. How old are you? [she rubs the back of her head] somewhere in the ‘thirty’ ballpark I’m guessing 

3. What do you look like? You have eyes don’t you? And yes the white hair is natural. No, I don’t really know why it’s like that. Apparently it’s some genetic condition. 

4. Where are you from? Where do you live now? I'm from the West. I've been told. [pause] Maybe. But as far as anyone’s concerned I might as well be a native Mojave-ian. Won't be leaving Vegas or, hell, even the Lucky 38 anytime soon.

5. What was your childhood like? I’m sure it was fine. I mean, I have no memory of it, but I’m sure it was /fine/ 

6. What groups are you friendly with? Are you allied with any factions? [she groans] As you can imagine politics are a bit uhh… tense at the moment, what with me kicking the NCR out of my city and all. Our current alliance consists of the Families, the Kings, Freesiders, the Boomers, and the Followers. Once we get our issues here sorted I'm extending my hand to all the independent settlements in the area and we’ll go from there

7. Tell me about your best friend. Which one exactly? ‘Cuz I have a few. Oh, I know, I can tell you about this guy [she points over her shoulder to a securitron with a static smiley on its screen] This is Yes Man, he’s my second in command. [the robot raises a clawed hand and gives a cheerful ‘howdy’] It's not that i couldn't manage coordinating a brand new, independent nation by myself, but he does make all the busywork and number running and security that much easier. And he yells at me if I forget to eat or sleep for a few nights [Viva proceeds to glare at the robot, its smile unchanging]

8. Do you have a family? Tell me about them!  [Viva glances away for a moment] My friends are my family. [pause] and even if we don't get along entirely, that's just how it is. I wouldn't trade any of those fuckwits for the world.

9. What about a partner or partners?  [she gives a single loud laugh] Do I look like I have time for shit like that? Especially now of all times?

10. Who are your enemies, and why?  I’d hazard a guess and say at this point everyone who’s not my explicit ally [Viva drums her fingers for a moment] Of course the NCR is going to pretend to be nice for now, but politics is like chess. Complex, and annoying and I hate it. Give me a year and i’ll be begging for the Legion and their blunt insanity

11. Have you ever heard of The Brotherhood of Steel? What do you think about them?  Oh I’ve heard of them alright. [she grumbles under her breath] Good people. Bad priorities though. 

12. What about The Enclave? [shrug] no comment 

13. How do you feel about Super Mutants?  What you mean the ones up north? They're great and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I mean, yeah sure they're pretty scary to be around, especially if the nightkin get antsy, but they're decent people. Marcus is… Marcus is a good man.

14. What’s the craziest fight you’ve ever been in? I… [she trails off, thinking] There was… /is/ a man. Who knew me from before. Long before. He challenged me to face him in a grave of ash and… I consider the three weeks it took to track him though the pits of hell as one very, very long and very exhausting fight. [she pauses again] That and all the verbal sparring along the way. And… everything after, too. 

15. Have you ever fought a Deathclaw? I mean… I've shot Deathclaws. And they're about as pants-shittingly terrifying as they've always been. But that's what the .50 cal is for

16. Do you like fighting? [she grins] I like shooting, I’ll tell you that much 

17. What’s your weapon of choice? [Viva holds up her finger to pause and proceeds to heft up an Anti-material Rifle. It’s new with a faint silvery sheen, and only a little scuffed from use, the Gun Runners logo still visible on the side. It is custom made, with every possible attachment, some parts are black carbon fiber. There are three bands of color around the stock and several engravings including six letters -CALBVR] [Viva is gleefully beaming as she wordlessly shows off the gun] 

18. How do you survive? Your wits, your charm, your skills, brute force, some combination? (a.k.a. what’s your S.P.E.C.I.A.L?) You don't get to where I am without a bit of everything. But you could say my speciality is shooting, robotics, and outplaying people in the games they weave. [she tilts her head back and hums] Back when I was still just a mailman i knew how to hide in plain sight. Saved my life more often than not. That and brass knuckles. Very effective. Anything mechanical is child’s play too. Can't figure out how to cook geko without burning it though, so all the money I saved on gear i spent on food. [she rubs the back of her head and mutters through her teeth] and bandages. so. many. bandages. I swear the world really wants me dead and is having better luck at it than I am

19. Have you ever been in a vault? What do you think about them?  Plenty ‘round these parts. Can't say I'm fond of lurking around /in/ them but… Marvels of tech those things, shame most of them failed. There's actually one or two I want to strip for parts in the future. If I can get the wildlife out beforehand that is. 

20. How do you beat all the radiation around here? Has it affected you?  Radiation and I have a… complicated relationship. [she turns to the securitron and mutters something with a slight smirk. Suddenly the lights of the bottom floor wink out. Viva faces forward once more, her already unnaturally green eyes now glowing with a faint, sickly light. The lights flick on just as suddenly with a loud clack and the woman giggles] Honestly if I don't end up as a ghoul by the end of my life I will be /very/ surprised

21. What’s your favorite wasteland critter?  Do… Do the robots count? Because I'm going with the robots anyway.

22. What’s your least favorite wasteland critter?  I’d say it starts with death and ends with claw, but that's not right. At least with those fuckers I know where to aim, no, first place goes to cazadores, the best reason for carrying around a shotgun. 

23. How do you feel about robots? [she gestures to the dozens of securitrons surrounding them with a wide grin] Bliss, home, paradise and then some. 

24. How many caps do you have on you right now? I mean- [she rummages in her pockets] I don't have my bag with me. 23. I can't fit more into these pockets they're too full of specialty ammo.

25. Nuka Cola or Sunset Sarsaparilla?  Nuka. I fucking hate Sarsaparilla and I know it's blasphemy in these parts, but listen, if you're dehydrated and all you have to drink is that mind-meltingly awful shit i'm looking for the nearest cactus to suck on

26. Do you do chems?  Uh. [she rubs her neck and nervously bounces her leg] I mean. Mentats are uh. Pretty… pretty great. [she bites her lip] Next question?

27. Do you ever think about the Pre-War world?  It fascinates me. What a life they lead to have created tech of this calibre [she gestures to the casino once more] I keep on finding parts of the old world that shine though, all the good, all the awful, all the same, always there. [she thinks for a moment] Like the past isn't as distant as people want to believe. But maybe that's just me… I've had more run-ins with old world ghosts that you’d believe. And I don't mean my previous employer either.

28. What’s your deepest regret? What would you do differently?  [her expression darkens] [after a minute of silence she shakes her head] Can't change what was done. No point dwelling. 

29. What’s your biggest achievement? Or what do you hope to achieve? [she exchanges a look with the smiling securitron] Right now? We’re in step four. There's a lot of steps to go. [exhale] And every single step takes more effort than anyone realizes. Because a lot of people don't think. Don't think about food, don't think about water, don't think about safety, don't think about business, don't think about what's next. I have to. And it's hard yaknow? But I've done more than I could ever imagine. I dethroned House, I defeated the Legion, I defanged the NCR. That’s more than most can say…

30. What do you want for the future? For yourself? Your friends? The world? [she sinks into her seat] I didn't do all of this because I thought it’d be fun. [her expression darkens to a cold seriousness] Vegas is something else. Vegas and the Mojave. Everything that's happened here is that much more important than anyone realizes. This place is a crossing point. A bridge. Between the West and the East. And bridges can't belong to either side. I need to make sure it stays that way. I need to make sure this place, everyone who put their faith in me, /my/ people are safe. Are fed. Are… Vegas has to prosper as it stands and everything else’ll be sorted out in time. That's what I want. The Mojave to thrive. And so help me I haven't walked through storms of fire and death to let all of this fall apart. [she raises her eyes, a haunting look with a smile] So tell everyone who’s gonna be listening - I have the shadow of a nation behind me. I won't waste it this time.

#fallout new vegas #fallout #courier six #courier OC #courier viva #meme #ask meme

[simmonsfam8]

MotherHood

"Motherhood to me is a constant obstacle that you face every day and can just hope to settle down at the end of the night with a beverage like ah yes I survived." Angelia Jamison sat down with me and gave her insight on raising her four kids, one being her own sister, while still being a businesswoman. "It's not easy at all, but I wouldn't change it" Angelia coming into the interview actually had two out of the four with her as she stated that the twins often accompany her places the most. "I still nurse all four despite me trying to slowly transition Logan and Imani mainly to the bottle, so that's why the twins are always with me." We briefly touched on her business since modeling isn't her only profession. "My cosmetic line wasn't that much of a thought until my agent and business partner Sarah brought it up. so we sat down talked about how i would want my products to look like and what kind of material should go into it and Angelic Cosmetics was born and still thriving." For two years Jamison did disappear and took a break from modeling to focus on her personal life. "I always say no one is perfect I had so many demons and it wasn't private all the time but it happened, and I had just become a mother to Logan my oldest, so it sucked." During the interview, Jamison was constantly making glances to the twins that were off to the side with their nanny that was hired. "I was against the whole nanny/daycare thing until i had the twins. When I had Logan I immediately went back into work and pushed myself harder than I was supposed to, wasn't even fully healed it was so unhealthy, but I wanted to prove something which looking back on it I should've been like screw you, I just had a kid my body is my damn body" In terms of motherhood, I asked Jamison what the hardest thing she had to overcome is. "I definitely had a hard time asking for help. I wanted to be miss independent that just knew all her facts and nobody could tell me anything and everyone's advice even his fathers were shit, but after I had the twins and the first week of having all three home, and on my own, I knew that there's no way." "Having kids all around the same age range is so difficult because they all need a lot of attention, but then you have a business in where people depend on you also because you handle their paycheck that they need to survive on. So it's still a process stepping back into the modeling, the cosmetic line, not to mention a clothing line I'm trying to jumpstart it's a lot. I'm so thankful I have family and real friends to help me not to mention the kids' father is an amazing help I'm glad we're in a place where we can focus on the kids and not the negative aspects of our own relationship." Jamison, of course, is known for keeping some of her life private but i really wanted to know what a day with her kids was actually like. "Ever since I became a mom I'm such a morning person now, and i make sure that they are fed and dressed before me, then I'll get myself together. Logan is now in daycare which was the hardest decision to make. I've mentioned on Twitter he is my little firecracker, but I love his personality because i think it'll shape him to be more expressive later on in the future which is what i want for my kids I don't want them to hold their emotions or thoughts back from their father or me. If I'm not doing like a photo shoot or business meeting we rarely leave the house that's what a day is like." It was also expressed that Jamison didn't agree to some parenting techniques. "I don't plan on doing some things with my kids, I still co-sleep most nights I don't think I'll start weaning any of the kids off the pacifier unless necessary. Logan will be turning two this year, and I know that's the age for potty training, but when he turns two, and I see no sign of him even interested then I won't try but hey soccer moms at least I still have him rear facing in my car, and they're vaccinated."

#sims 3 roleplay #simblr #free write #angelia

[ebhenah]

Anchor

Fictober 18 Day 8

Prompt: "I know you do."

Original Fiction (a continuation of my Fictober Day 7 story: Uncharted)

Rating: T Mentions of war, death, family separation, LGBTQ2SIA+ relationships

She kept the jacket, and when it stopped smelling like home, she traded it for another. She relished the scent of her father's best friend and how closely it was tied to memories of her childhood. She couldn't wear it anywhere public, because it was a UNIFORM jacket for a military organization that she wasn't a member of- in any timeline. She wasn't a soldier. Chains of command irritated her. She didn't thrive in such a structured environment. She wasn't made to conform. Honestly, she'd never really understood how her parents could cope with it- especially the humans that had contributed half of her genetic make-up and raised her. They were both strong-willed, headstrong, and kind of reckless. The aliens that made up the other half of her background- they made a bit more sense for a military career. One was the consummate soldier, and the other… imperious was probably the best description. Regardless, she was NOT cut out for a military life. Too much of a wild card. Not that she had a hard time with being part of a team- she actually thrived in a team setting as long as everyone had equal say. It was when she was expected to blindly obey that problems started to crop up.

So, she had kept the jacket. She wore it in the privacy of her own quarters, on the ship full of aliens her family had liberated before their planet had been wiped out. The ship that had been home to her boisterous siblings and exasperated parents and their closest friends and teammates for years. The quarters she had shared with her wife for far too short a time. It felt odd to have such a large chunk of the ship to herself, but she was not ready to allow strangers into her space just yet… and the younger versions of the people she considered family were all happily and appropriately housed on the other ship.

They were still watching out for her though, which felt a little odd, since she was older than most of them now. They were still the same people, just… a little less wise, a little less cynical, a little less war-worn. It did her heart good to see them so… unburdened. To know that THESE versions of the people closest to her might never have to harden and age the way that the people she'd grown up with had. It did something good to her soul to be able to watch the younger versions of her fathers fall in love and forge a life for themselves. Everything might be completely different, but that love gave her a bit of an anchor in this uncharted territory.

Slowly but surely, her living quarters were starting to become a favorite spot to hang out when they were off duty. She taught one of her dads her favorite lullaby from when she was little and helped the other perfect his kimchi recipe. She discovered her hangar was slowly filling up with junked engines and spare parts and tools enough to keep her in projects for weeks and the guy who'd taught her how to hold a wrench and bought her her first set of protective goggles blushed when she mentioned it. When she went to train or work-out, as often as not she'd find one of her childhood mentors ready to spar or spot her.

Bit by bit, they were showing her that she wasn't alone. Proving that family was made of stronger stuff than time. They'd seen her with her brother and her dads- before the three of them had safely returned to her original timeline and she'd gotten stranded here. They'd worked together to create a new future for their people… and in doing so, they'd accepted her as one of them. As lonely as she was; as homesick as she felt; there was no way any of them were going to let her feel ALONE. The whole world might feel like a weird, faulty copy of her own childhood- but she was not isolated in it by any stretch of the imagination.

Still, the best moments were often the ones she shared with the only one of the inner circle that she HADN'T grown up with. Someone who hadn't survived in her own timeline. Someone she'd saved, only to have him save her right back. There was a kind of freedom in that. There was no weight of memory. No lingering ghost of what had been to be. Just him. Just her. Just two of them trying to find their footing in a world that wasn't really designed to contain either of them. Living ghosts, he called them. It had led to nicknames. She was Spook. He was Wraith. No one but each other ever heard those names. They'd never even had to discuss it- they both just knew they weren't meant for any other ears.

So, when she heard footsteps behind her during one of her many bouts of insomnia, she expected it to be Wraith. It wasn't. It was the younger of her two fathers. The one she'd grown up being told she was a mini-version of. The one that shared the personality traits she was finding it hardest to access in this new life.

"Can't sleep?" he asked, dropping to the floor beside her. They were in one of her favorite spots, the scaffolding that scaled the far wall of the big communal hanger, overlooking her work space.

"I don't know what you are talking about," she answered, peeking out from the folds of the ridiculously too huge borrowed jacket. "I'm out like a light, safely tucked into my bed, dreaming of sugarplum fairies and strippers."

He snorted, "you got me- I actually thought for like, a split second there that you wouldn't find a way to make that weird."

"You don't like dreaming about strippers?" she asked, "I find that very hard to believe. Strippers are awesome dream fodder."

"Why do you do that?" he asked.

"You know why," she answered, "you do it, too."

"You don't have to do it with me," he said gently, "since I know why you are doing it in the first place. Seems like a waste of effort."

She shrugged, her ear twitching in agitation and flattening against her skull, "I don't even think about it anymore. It just happens."

"I was talking to my mother today," he said, apparently choosing to change the subject rather than push. "She wants to meet you."

"Nope," she answered, shaking her head. "That's not going to happen. I can't. I can't see them, so young… and start all over with them, too."

"They're your family," he pointed out.

"No. They are YOUR family. I'm not even going to be BORN in this timeline."

"You don't know that."

"I kind of do, though," she sighed, "I know how I came to be, and those reasons won't exist here. You guys will find a surrogate, or adopt, IF you choose to have kids- and I am fine with that. Really. I am. My family doesn't need to be your future. You have more options than my dads did. That's a good thing. You won't have to resort to the alien science experiments that made me and my siblings."

"Don't talk about yourself like that," he scolded, "you aren't some kind of…"

"Monster? Lab specimen? Freak?" she shook her head, "I know all that. Doesn't change HOW I came to be."

"I would be so proud to get to raise you," he said softly. "I realized today when I was talking to my mother that none of us have really said that to you. I know that you know your parents are proud of you. You've told me about how happy your childhood was, how loved you were. I saw for myself how close your family is… but you keep talking about how we aren't locked into doing things the way you remember them happening. That your past doesn't have to be our future. I don't think you realize…"

"I don't realize, what?" she asked, turning to face him, her eyes tracing over features that she grew up turning to, the furrowed brow she saw in her own reflection more and more lately.

"That getting to have you as a kid- it's something I look forward to. I hope that that is something that DOESN'T change."

Her eyes welled with tears, "thank-you. That's very sweet. It means a lot to me."

"Do you remember what you said to me the first day we met?" he asked, "when you told me you had younger siblings?"

"Some kind of cocky joke, I'm sure," she laughed, "but I don't remember exactly what."

"You said 'look at me, I'm awesome. Of course you had to go for the sequel. Who wouldn't want more of me in their life?' You were joking, but it's true. You are awesome. That was the moment I decided to follow your advice and tell him how I felt. Because as scary as the whole 'this is your future spouse' thing was- and it's pretty terrifying, let me tell ya. That's a ton of pressure! As scary as it was, I didn't want to risk missing out on these awesome kids I was hearing about. This strong, sassy, beautiful, matchmaking, badass who built a ship from scratch and named it after a lesbian sex joke, and who took the time to help heal an injury no one else even noticed, and who saw danger as an adventure, but treated everyone around her with compassion and who was the first person to crack a joke and break the tension was MY kid? That floored me… and, like you said, your brother was kind of cool, too."

The tears spilled over and she gave him a watery smile, "really?"

"Yes, really… I want you to know how lucky and honored I would be to get to have the family he did. To have you and your siblings to raise and love. We interact like friends, mostly- because we are pretty much the same age-"

"I am four years older than you," she pointed out, "you aren't even at your full height yet."

"Like I said- PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AGE," he insisted, "but you are still my daughter, and I never forget that. I love you… and today I realized I'd never said that to you. I love you and I am proud of you. I'm really glad I got to meet you. I see me in you- but… like, a BETTER version of me."

"There's no such thing," she squeaked, trying to keep from crying at all the sweet things he was saying. She just knew her face was blue from blushing and her markings were cherry red from all the conflicting emotions. "There's no such thing as a better version of you. You are the best person in the universe. I've always said that, and I stand by it. The very best person in the universe."

He pulled her into a hug, arms tight around her and hands rubbing her back. "You're not the smartest kid, because I am sooo not the best person in the universe," he teased, "but you are awesome."

"You smell like him," she whimpered, dissolving into tears finally, "and I love you- I do. I love all of you. I just… I miss him so much. I miss them all so much."

"I know you do," he soothed, "of course you do. Go ahead and cry. I got you. That's what dads do for their little girls."

#fictober18 #fictoberpromptIKnowYouDo day8IKnowIAmLate Day8 OriginalFIction OriginalCharacters scifi timetravel wlw mlm

[az-valentine]

Entry 1: Pennywise [AU]

July 2nd, 2018 

In light of recent events – the nature of which I refuse to explain to people who simply couldn't understand – I've been inspired to record a few passages for Humanity to eventually stumble upon. Despite what you may know about me, however little that may be, I assure you, there is far more to me than what meets the eye. You probably know me to be an unpredictable, animalistic Eldritch Abomination that comes crawling out of the darkest pits of your worst nightmares – you are correct. However, I'm far more complicated than that. Yes, I eat flesh and feed on Fear, as it's necessary for my survival. I didn't choose to be this way, it's just how I was created to be. 

Outside of that, I'm actually a fan of your classic literature, like Shakespeare, Twain, Poe, and Lovecraft. I also enjoy taking long walks to admire your older European architecture, and your bigger, more lush and diverse botanical gardens. I don't often leave Maine, let alone the Continental United States, but when I do, it's always a treat. My Eldritch Brethren usually don't care much – or at all – about what Humanity has accomplished in its pathetically short time, but I watched your earliest ancestors crawl out of the ancient muds of this planet, and I'm positive I'll watch you all return to the weeds in due time. 

My past is better left being known only by those closest to me, and left up for interpretation to everyone else. That being said, I feel strangely obligated to offer you a word of warning – don't end up like the protagonists of most Lovecraft stories. Don't go digging for information you have no business knowing. What you know, and what you think you know about Fear, hardly even scratches the surface of the unnamable terrors that lie beneath and beyond your fragile mental barriers. The depths of Madness are not meant to be explored by Mortal minds, for they were never designed to be capable of handling the journey. 

Some have tried, and nearly all have ended up a writhing, unintelligible, gibbering mess before their inevitable, horrific deaths. Some have wound up on that Path without even intending to, and fell victim to similar fates. If there's one thing we have in common, it's our tendency to be curious creatures. I definitely understand the desire to learn about the unknown. I cannot stop you from attempting to uncover lost knowledge and hidden truths, and I can't honestly say I care whether or not you listen to me. However, I still feel compelled to advise against it. Like me, though, you'll do what you please, regardless of the risks. 

Moving forward, those of you that know of me know me to be a Shifter, a being that is capable of taking the form of whatever I want. I'm like a Mimic, but far more interesting, and intelligent. I'm also like Nyarlathotep, the Crawling Chaos, except I take no pleasure in gaining legions of followers and spreading Madness. I prefer to be left alone most of the time – to Hunt, eat, sleep, and explore as I choose. Earth isn't the only planet I've been to, but it's definitely one of my favorites. If I wake up during one of my sleep cycles, I'll sometimes take that opportunity to go somewhere new and different, or old and familiar. 

I've seen everything from the bustling cities of Tokyo and Arcturus Prime, to the noxious swamps of Beldron 4, the scorching, temple and monolith-spotted deserts of Alkh'tktuuhl, the ravenous raggle-trees of Nillub, and even the turbulent oceans, black forests, and numerous mountain ranges of an unknown terrestrial behemoth, floating aimlessly through the inky depths of Oblivion. One thing most don't know about me, is that Alkh'tkhtuuhl holds a very special place in my Heart. Those that know the reason why, though, I can count on one hand. 

Unbeknownst to Humanity, Arcturus Prime is still thriving to this day – and if rumors hold true, the Arcturians eventually want to introduce themselves. Don't worry, they're incredibly friendly. In my experiences with them, they're often a little shy, so don't do anything stupid when they get here. You'll need their help if you want your species to survive, thrive, and save the only planet you currently have to live on. They'll slowly work you into the galactic community, and help you learn how to integrate with other people from other planets, as well as how to survive off of your home world. 

Everyone that lives long enough will go through a Great Change at certain points in their lives – this trait is not unique to Humans, or any other Mortal species within the Multiverse, but is present among all sentient Life that has evolved far enough to be capable of experiencing these changes. Even I, the Prince of Fear, have gone through it several times throughout my existence. Indeed, many see me as just a highly intelligent, impossibly powerful beast that's merely good at acting, but I too am a person. 

I am not at liberty to speak of my true origins, or what came before, but I do have quite a few stories I'm allowed to tell. For the sake of brevity – I could write an entire series about my life – I will stick to telling only a few tales that I hold near and dear to my Heart. It's not every day a Mortal gets to learn such personal things about an Eldritch Being, let alone directly from them, so consider this a little gift to Humanity. I still take what I need to sustain myself, but who would I be if I didn't give back every now and then? 

Don't think of me as just a monster – I may be greater than anything a Human could ever hope to become, and I may have needs that cause a conflict of Morality between us, but it doesn't mean we don't share similarities. I don't know why I feel the need to say it, but just like you, I have my weaknesses. I have sore spots, bad memories, times of self-destruction, and an unhealthy relationship with self-hatred. Oh, yes...I can be as vulnerable as the Mortals whose lives I claim. It's not all bad, though. As I stated earlier, some of my guilty pleasures include literature, architecture, and traveling. I also enjoy attending plays, Broadway shows, and operas. At heart, I am an artist, and someone who appreciates the natural beauty to be found spread out across the Universe. 

In fact, for as long as I can remember, I've always taken part in the various cultures' Arts in some way or another. My numerous homes have always had a collection of writings, paintings, and props found in certain visual productions that had struck my fancy. I would occasionally write my own works, such as poetry and prose, plays, and even some music, and then offer it to Yog-Sothoth for his Archives. On top of that, I would often disguise myself as a native of a planet, and audition to play a role in something – not once was I turned down. Who was the best Carmen? Me. The greatest Figaro? Me! 

By now, you must be perfectly aware of the sizeable amount of differences between me, and the Being you've always known me to be. There is an explanation for this, yes, but I struggle to believe that you could fully comprehend what I'm about to describe. If I only lay out the basics for you, there's a good chance you'll be able to follow along. I've made mention of the Multiverse, yes? It's bigger, stranger, more complex, and more terrifying than you may have previously believed it to be. Infinities on top of Infinities, spanning in Infinite directions, through every Dimension, and every conceivable and inconceivable possibility happening all at once, at all possible times. It's a lot to take in, and I urge you not to try and understand it completely. It'll just drive you Insane, like many others before you. 

Back to the point at hand, though...I am not the same Pennywise you've known, as I'm from a different Universe. Who I am, as well as my Past, Present, and Future, have been and always will be completely different from the version of me you're familiar with. I've mastered the Art of Transcending Time and Space, and am able to move freely between Universes. The conditions of my state of existence, though, must remain a closely guarded secret for the time being. Let's just say that I've made promises I can't afford to break, to someone that makes me look tiny, powerless, and insignificant by comparison. 

Perhaps "completely different" was a poor choice of words. If I'm not careful, I'll become the Thing born of your worst nightmares. What's worse? I could get stuck like that, and require another Purification to set me straight. Yes, a Purification...something that all of the Dark and Twisted Souls must be willing to subject themselves to if they wish to enter the Light. Ugh! I shudder to think about going through such a painful experience for a second time. The agony is only temporary, and it melts away into a warm tingle, but it's still horribly unpleasant at first. I won't try to sway you one way or the other, but it was worth it for me. I was fine doing my own thing, and being by myself, but the opportunity was too great to pass up. 

I'd rather not get into the details of the situation, but I regained something I'd lost billions of years ago, only because I chose to go through the process of Great Change. I haven't been happy in billions of years, but I am now, and I'm never giving this up. To be perfectly honest, I only went through this change last October, and so I'm still adjusting to this new Way of Life I've chosen. I may or may not have snacked on a child recently...don't look at me like that, I was starving! And without a long sleep to fall back on anymore, I must feed at least once a week now, depending on the size of the person. 

I wouldn't worry too much if I were you. I've been targeting only the worst of the worst, so as long as you're not a piece of shit person, one worthy of being scared to the point of shitting yourself and then getting eaten alive, you have nothing to Fear from me. Except maybe the occasional scare for my amusement, and to satisfy my need for Fear. 

 July 3rd, 2018 

This entry has already gotten long, and I'm afraid I've run out of Time to tell you a story. Forgive me, I didn't think my introduction would wind up being so long. I'm afraid I have some bad news...I'm set to depart on a series of Hunts for the next three to seven months, and I'm unsure of when I'll be able to continue. This was sprung upon me at the last minute, and I'm in no position to decline this mission. 

Know this, Humanity: I will return, and in no less than excellent health. Chances are, I won't be hungry when I finally make it back. However, don't think for a moment that I won't continue to Hunt the scum of your societies, one by one...both to fulfill my needs for survival, and to make good on my Sacred Oath. 

 Until next Time, 

                  Pennywise 

#fanfic #fanfiction #pennywise #pennywise the dancing clown #pennywise 2017 #alternate universe #au #narrative #eldritch #eldritch thing #literature #crossover #series #part 1 of ? #more to come #cthulhu mythos

[seraphimlullaby]

It’s been over three years since I’ve had a true relationship. I like being independent. I love my alone time. I have adult toys to fulfil (pun) most of my needs. I’ve been content.

When I finish studying this year, a new chapter of my life will begin. I’ll more than likely be in a new town, away from my family. This would have scared me years ago. But I’ve been all over the state for placement, living with strangers who have quickly become friends. Surviving and thriving without needing or even wanting someone to hold my hand.

I’m fucking proud of myself. I can’t wait to graduate and start living again. To start building my own life and future. To do what I want.

I’ve secretly been hoping that I might meet someone along the way. As much as I am okay with being alone, I also feel like I could have spent these few past years connecting with someone. There is a side of me that hardly anyone knows. Things that I will only say to certain people. Aspects of myself that I rarely share with others. Unfortunately, all of that has been locked away.

Then I spend one day and night with you. Just one. And it feels like all of the years of companionship I’ve missed out on are suddenly… I don’t know. Redeemed?

My anxiety disappears. I feel brave and confident. I don’t care what anyone else thinks about me when I’m hanging out with you. It’s our time. The rest of the world hardly matters. I don’t care if that sounds terrible, but it’s true.

I can exist without you. Live without you. I’ve already proven that. We can both keep going, paths crossing but timelines never really aligning. I’m okay with that.

You’ve had other relationships. At first I was jealous. Then I stopped watching you. I hoped that you had found someone who made you happy. Seeing you in long term relationships gave me hope that I could have that too. We always have been alike, after all.

I’m sorry that I didn’t realise how down you were. You’ve always been a private person when it comes to relationships and your emotions in general. I didn’t see that you were struggling.

I’ve always randomly popped into your DMs. Uh oh. Another existential crisis. Better message you about it. You know that you can do the same, right? I’ll talk to you at any hour. Be there for you as much as I can. As a best friend.

I’ve always felt like I’m a character in a novel or a video game. They’re building my back story before I get taken away on some epic, kick-ass fantasy adventure. I’m an observer. An outsider. It’s like I’m living in a world full of NPCs. I don’t care if that sounds vain.

Whenever I come across you though, I know that you can see me. When we close the door behind us, everything ceases to exist. Maybe we are both just glitches in this game. But I feel like the monochromatic days I’ve lived through are finally filled with colour.

Where was I going with this again? I don’t know. I just needed to voice these powerful thoughts and feelings. I’d thought that maybe I had imagined them all of those years ago. That I was just a stupid girl. Swept up in my fairytale romance. You would never go for something so cliché though, would you?

I guess I’ll continue on. I’m too afraid to tell you all of this, because I fear that it’s not reciprocated. Or that if it is, you’ll be scared and push me away. I don’t want to risk our friendship.

I’ll be happy as your friend. Even though I’m not sure I’ll find the same connection with anyone else. Even though I would gladly be with you. Wait for you. Move for you. Not because I’m some lovestruck, obsessed girl. But because I feel like we’re kindred spirits and could actually face each day together. Because I worry that they will never appreciate all of you. Or accept the darker sides of you.

Yeah. I guess that’ll do.

#thoughts #rubbish #rambling

[salmenzo]

Weekly Update - Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Commitment - Conviction - Consideration

“The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically.

Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education.”

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Good Morning,

I hope that everyone enjoyed the long weekend and took time to remember the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  I am not sure there has been a time in recent history where his work and commitment to equality resonated more.  As I shared on Thursday, the Town usually coordinates a wonderful ceremony in which our students, myself, and the Mayor participate.  Unfortunately, due to the restrictions of COVID-19, we are unable to hold the ceremony.  To not forget the significant accomplishments and contributions of Dr. King, Jr. in our nation and in the world, the Town has put together some reflections that will be posted on our website, the Town website, and Public Access Channel 19.

Here is a Press Release from the Mayor.

Here is the Martin Luther King, Jr. Celebration Packet - 1 18 21.  

COVID-19 Vaccination Update

As I shared in my update Friday, it is the intention of the Town to begin to vaccinate school personnel as soon as possible.  I did receive the statement below from the Commissioner's Office on behalf of the Connecticut Department of Public Health.  Each district received this twice.

Re: Critical update regarding Connecticut’s Vaccine Implementation Phase 1b

Dear Connecticut School Leadership,

Thank you for your patience as the State rolls out the COVID-19 Vaccine to its residents. This email is meant to clarify a number of aspects of the vaccine roll-out.

Throughout much of the summer and fall, the planning assumption was that teachers and other educational staff would be part of “Phase 1b” as frontline essential workers. This is still the case – however, given the current composition of Phase 1b, which also includes those 75+ years of age, 65-74 years of age, and 16-64 with comorbidities, there are a large number of individuals in this phase of distribution. There is currently not enough vaccine for all members of this group, so we will be focusing on individuals 75+ to start, and adding in others in the coming days and weeks.

As such, we are asking that teachers and other school staff not schedule vaccine appointments at this time. We understand this is a change of plans for many. If existing appointments have been secured, they can be kept. If they have not, then we ask that teachers and other education sector employees hold off on scheduling clinics until further announcements have been made from the State.

We understand that these changes to plans are frustrating, but also appreciate everyone’s support in helping ensure our initial roll-out of vaccines is targeted at those residents who are facing the highest burden of infection and death from the COVID-19 crisis.

In short:

+ The focus of our roll-out is currently on people over 75 years of age

+ Teachers and other school staff should not schedule appointments

+ Teachers and other school staff with appointments can keep these

+ We look forward to a future time when everyone can get vaccinated

If you have any questions, please email [email protected].  Your e-mail will be distributed to the appropriate contact person based on the nature of the question.

 Thank you,

Connecticut Department of Public Health

With this stated, we will continue to work collaboratively with the Wallingford Health Department and keep you posted.

Budget Update

Tomorrow evening at 6 p.m., I will present the Central Office 2021-2022 Budget Proposal to the Board of Education.  I want to thank the entire team for all of their hard work in pulling this presentation together.  I especially want to thank Karen Veilleux, Danielle Bellizzi, Aimee Turner, and Carrie LaTorre for helping finalize the Budget Introduction.  I also want to extend thanks to David Bryant, Dominic Barone, Marc Deptula, and James Bondi, and their teams for their hard work as well.  

As I always say, the budget process is a marathon.  Please do not get too excited about the initial presentation.  I do believe that it is a strong budget that has no negative impact on students.  I am confident that the Board of Education will move through the process successfully and present to the Mayor their budget of which we will all be proud.

I will include the link for tomorrow night’s meeting in my parent communication this afternoon that you all receive as well.  Please feel free to tune in.

Commitment - Conviction - Consideration

I wanted to offer a special “shout out” to the Voluntary Distance Learning Teachers this week.  You have really done an incredible job keeping students engaged and learning.  To honor you, we compiled this short video in your honor.  Thank you again!

Voluntary Distance Learning - Thank You Video

Here are the latest spotlights from parents.  Thanks again to all the staff for their hard work in these challenging times.

Karen Ruszkowski is a kindergarten teacher at Moses Y Beach School. She is the perfect example of the master educator. Her virtual classroom comprises twenty students, and she continually exercises a warm, nurturing virtual 

environment. Obviously, this is not an easy task. Her lessons are well developed and she implements them so easily that the lessons inspire students to achieve. She is able to engage the students, motivate them, and encourage them to go beyond the stated objectives.Ms. Ruszkowski has provided the students in her classroom with an excellent beginning as they journey through their formal education. Our family is indeed thankful for her efforts, and we are grateful that our little man has Karen Ruszkowski as his teacher!

I really want you to know that Kristen Wynus and her staff have been absolutely amazing with the Wallingford Transition Program. I don't want to see this team of teachers & staff to go unnoticed! PLEASE!  As you know, this program is not run like a traditional classroom. Times have been extremely difficult on all....but I'd say even more challenging for our Transition team & students! Please do not forget about this amazing program and Kristen Wynus who runs it! She deserves SO much credit! 

I am writing to give praise to many teachers & staff at Cook Hill Elementary.

Our daughter is in first grade in Mrs. Sorrentino’s class. When we heard that was who she was having this year, I can’t tell you how many people said “oh you’re so lucky.” We have quickly learned as to why people say that! She has been amazingly adaptive and innovative in navigating this new educational journey. As a parent who was frequently in the classroom last year, I very much wish I could be in there again to lend a hand. However, she has fostered and maintained an amazing relationship even from a distance with the parents of the class. To me, that speaks volumes as to what kind of educator she is. Communication has always remained open from day one.

In addition, the para in our class, Mrs. Knight, has really bonded with my daughter over her love of art. There isn’t a day that we don’t hear about Mrs. Knight from Sophia.

Lastly, I have to mention many staff at Cook Hill in which I think play an integral role in our positive in person learning experience this year. Principal Friend has been working tirelessly and her efforts have not gone unnoticed. In addition, the friendly faces at the pickup loop every day have helped to make the drop off/pickup process run very smoothly. I would particularly like to mention Mrs. Niezgorksi who goes out of her way to say hello to my younger daughter in the car every day.

Our daughter’s love for school is literally infectious. She could not wait to get back to in person learning and I commend everyone involved who had a hand in making that successful. Our family is incredibly appreciative of everything Dr. Menzo and the board of education have done to keep the elementary age children in school as long as they can safely do so.

I would like to say that Mrs. Stewart has been nothing short of AMAZING! My son is doing in-person learning with her, and she is such a special, happy, helpful, understanding and FUN teacher. He looks forward to going to school everyday, and asks why he can't also go on weekends! Haha. We love Mrs. Stewart! 

My daughter is in Mrs. Kusza’s 1st grade class at STEVENS. She has made an extremely challenging year seem very normal. She loves going to school everyday. She is learning a ton, and never talks about or is sad about any of the new restrictions from Covid. I sincerely believe this is due to the great work of the Stevens staff and especially Mrs. Kusza. She is always kind and upbeat. She follows safety protocols, while still differentiating and pulling small groups. She seamlessly transitioned into distance learning after a positive case in her class. She was well equipped and well prepared for this transition with all the work and practice they had done in school. 

I am a working teacher in another district and I cannot express what a weight it is off my shoulders to send [my daughter] to Mrs. Kusza’s class each day knowing she will be safe, loved, and taught well each day. Thank you for all the work the district, school and Mrs. Kusza has put into keeping this year as safe and normal as possible. 

We would like to thank and show our appreciation for our son's first grade teacher Mrs. Cartier. As parents we were nervous that our son wasn't going to be engaged and learn.  He was diagnosed with adhd last year and school was rough. Last year distance learning became a struggle but we survived. With Mrs. Cartier she has our son engaged, learning and thriving. She has the patience of a saint and is very caring and attentive. The live learning is amazing and his teacher doesn't lean on the parents to help much at all. We were afraid we would be sitting with our child everyday to assist him but Mrs. Cartier has everything under control.

Make it a great week!

Sal

Dr. Salvatore F. Menzo

Superintendent

Email - [email protected]

Twitter - @SalMenzo

Wallingford Public School District

 Wallingford Public School System Mission

To inspire through innovative and engaging experiences that lead all learners to pursue and discover their personal best.

 THE INFORMATION IN THIS TRANSMISSION IS PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL AND INTENDED ONLY FOR THE RECIPIENT LISTED ABOVE.  If you have received this transmission in error, please NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY BY E-MAIL AND DELETE THE ORIGINAL MESSAGE. Responses provided by this E-Mail are SIMILAR to ordinary telephone or face-to-face conversations.

[theintuitivewildflower]

Thirty Tenacious Ways to Tackle Personal Growth AND Become More Aligned With Your Purpose

The Adventures of a Wildflower: Soul Food Series 

 I recently developed this list of  Thirty Tenacious Ways to Tackle Personal Growth AND Become More Aligned With Your Purpose ;  it is lengthy because I designed it for you to save and come back and forth to; as you reach different goals. Your goals will be unique to you, of course, but this will get you started.   This article is going to get right down to the  gritty details of personal growth as well as how it can be beneficial.  I’m sharing details about how-to shift from survival mode to thriving mode; ways to empower yourself to shift from the victim mentality over to VICTOR! My thirty self-development tips to help you align with your purpose are the “nuts and bolts” of self- development, in my opinion.  They are the key areas that require mastering if one wants to seek and fulfill a calling and to able to love others in a healthy way. 

Within each of these self-development steps are smaller steps of personal growth.   However, when we let life happen to us or we get too comfortable going with the flow, we aren’t creating any momentum for ourselves in any direction so we don’t go anywhere; nothing ever changes.Instead of aspiring to discover who we were created to be; we can get very complacent and too comfortable in a routine that, gets us by, even provides, but doesn’t fulfill us.Everybody’s got their own unique journey here but ALL of us experience peaks and valleys along the way; highs and lows. This is designed to help you through them as you go along. 

NOTE-The list is numbered and scattered throughout the article and I’m leaving it this way as a reminder for you not to get discouraged when things are hectic; when you just barely get to squeeze in time for your personal development. You can still get where you are going; do not worry about the destination so much and be present for your journey.   So let’s go..........Number one.....

1.  It does not matter where you start; what matters only is  THAT YOU START. What matters today is that you have decided to get on your way; to heal, to know yourself and love yourself more, to seek your purpose, use your voice and live intentionally! CONGRATULATIONS, THIS IS YOUR NEW BEGINNING!! 

 I believe that much of the reason we have so much dysfunction in society today  is due to the fact that we have, as a society, conformed to the idea that we are supposed to be “normal” and to go with the flow of what society is doing now.

Imagine a world in which everyone is the same for a moment……I’ll wait.

What did that look like to you? Wouldn’t the world would be so bland if we were all just alike?  I love to liken people and diversity to wildflower patches. I prefer the world to be green and alive with pops of color everywhere. I like meeting different kinds of human beings and learning from them things I would not have known otherwise. I like hearing what makes people tick and I live for helping people seek their soul purpose. I’ve come to the despise the use of the word normal to describe people as if that is the highest level to achieve in all mankind.  What’s so great and wonderful about normal and who decides that they are normal and someone else isn’t?  What would happen if we all actually made time to pursue our passions and then supported each other in that; do you think humans around the world might feel a bit more connected? 

 2. ACCEPTANCE OF SELF AND OTHERS. 

 LATELY I HAVE BEEN FEELING LIKE WE NEED A NEW NORMAL AND I HAVE A SUGGESTION WHERE TO START! CHECK IT OUT!

BE YOURSELF. ACCEPT EACH OTHER’S DIFFERENCES! ENCOURAGE OTHER’S TO BE AUTHENTIC WITH YOU BY ACCEPTING THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE AND BY BEING AUTHENTICALLY YOU! 

 It sounds simple  but we don’t do that at all. Instead we often live our lives  directed by someone else and wonder why we aren’t fulfilled. It’s because at times we are playing the star in someone else’s story; trying to please others, not rock the boat too much and we are on a path someone else steered us down because they ignored the opportunity to take it when it was presented to them.    I wonder how many people  live life just trying not to get noticed, so afraid to have a light shine on them for fear that other people might see who they truly are.  

3. SEEK YOUR PURPOSE, TAKE INVENTORY OF YOUR GIFTS, CALLINGS AND PASSIONS. I ask in conversations occasionally about what people think there purpose on earth is; I get some of the most beautiful and passionate responses. A person radiates joy and their eyes will light up when they are speaking of and thinking in alignment with their callings.  Yet, society does not encourage us to be authentically ourselves. Society encourages us to be like everyone else

4.  Heal what is still hurting you! Forgive yourself and make peace with anything you are having feeling of guilt or shame about; if you are beating yourself up over things in the past, the time has come to release that and move forward.

5.  Self-loathing must be replaced with self-love.

6.  As you reflect you can also express GRATITUDE for lessons learned and make plans to apply the lessons in your future life.  Keeping a journal is a great way to be intentional about  gratitude, your healing process and personal growth. 

 7. TOUCH BASE WITH YOUR INNER CHILD

Most of us grow up being told we can be whatever we want to be, right? If we believe it, we can achieve it. Do you remember being young and having that feeling of hope, the daydreams, the vision of who you were to become? Those quotes are true; it’s about mind over matter and actually believing the words. We see these types of themes on bulletin boards in classrooms, online and we certainly say these things to our kids at some point and most parents try to encourage their kids to perfect their gifts and talents when they see them exhibiting a talent in something. YES, WE TRULY WANT THEM TO BE AUTHENTIC. HOWEVER, IF MOM OR DAD ISN’T COMFORTABLE IN THEIR OWN SKIN OR THEY DIM THEIR LIGHT BECAUSE SOCIETY MIGHT VIEW THEM AS DIFFERENT…….

ARE WE NOT THEN CONTRADICTING OURSELVES?? 

IT SEEMS LIKE IT MIGHT GO SOMETHING LIKE THIS THESE DAYS……..

“…be yourself, but don’t do it in a weird way..”

“be yourself, but don’t tell anybody about it…”

8. CONSIDER WHAT LEGACY YOU REALLY WANT TO LEAVE BEHIND

Somehow, the majority of us, have become afraid to show who we really are for fear of being different; afraid of standing out or being judged. It’s not the best feeling to know that you would rather be doing something else but you won’t because your afraid; growing older and wishing you had more time or that you had started chasing your dreams sooner or at all. Do you want that to be your legacy? Do we want that to be the theme of our family and the legacy we leave to our future generations and grandchildren?  TRY to be yourself but don’t let anyone know you’re doing it. It sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? That is because it is ridiculous!! I realize now, after embracing my authentic self that I was being judged even when I was doing the whole “fit in” bit; this is when we put our mask on, dim our light and hide the fact that we have a voice or opinion.

9.  Figure out when you stopped daydreaming; you might find that this is when you started following someone else’s path.  If you know what you are called to do but you aren’t doing anything about it; ask yourself what is preventing you from that?  

10. Get in your feelings!! WHEN THEY COME, FEEL THEM, AND THEN LET THEM FLOW.....

WHAT YOU RESIST, PERSISTS. -C.G. JUNG

In our society, most boys are raised to be tough, not cry, hold in emotion so as not to let anyone see that they have any? In our society in many families, boys are conditioned to be insensitive. Years later, communication issues arise. Little girls are usually sensitive but not ever taught to express emotion into words, in a calm or rational way.  These young girls grow up into women who are emotionally immature and unable to communicate in a healthy way in relationships.  Add technology and the mobile phone, does anyone talk anymore??

 Individually, we may yearn to be understood but we often fail to consider that people can only perceive us from their level of perception and what we present to the world; then we wonder why people don’t understand us.  This is just another reason to be authentic, be true to yourself. Feelings are just that, emotions that you feel; emotions cause a stirring of the soul.  We humans do all sorts of things to avoid them too, don’t we? We can numb them, we can hide them, we can lie about them, we can deny them but they are still there and you still will feel them again.  

11. Mindful is what you must be about your feelings. Pay attention to when you have reactions to certain things. Are you reacting to the current situation or something else you haven’t addressed. Are you taking something out on someone else? This is about learning yourself lovely! Knowing what makes you tick and why? There will be times that you have to face that fact that you are what you are reacting to and maybe you’ve been getting in your own way. Do not beat yourself up about this! Why do we do that? Instead, express gratitude for your growth. For your new practice of mindfulness and further healing! 

12. Be your authentic self

IF WE AREN’T KEEPING IT REAL WITH OURSELVES THEN WE ARE NOT PRESENTING OUR AUTHENTIC SELF TO ANYONE ELSE! WE HAVE TO LOSE THE MINDSET THAT WE ARE THE ONLY ODD DUCK. WE ARE ACTUALLY ALL THE ODD DUCK, PRETENDING TO BE A “NORMAL” DUCK.  THERE IS NO NORMAL DUCK!! 

WHY THE HELL DOES EVERYONE NOT FIND THAT COOL AS HELL?

   13. KNOW THYSELF-  There are many personality tests online, I recommend the free Meyers-Briggs personality test. We humans, have the most ability, power, gifts, talent and skill to make the most and best of ourselves and where we live while we’re here. 

Most just don’t……Why? Not everyone is doing it or it isn’t considered normal? However, it happens all the time; society follows patterns, beliefs and ideas we’ve been conditioned to.  In turn, we have created more dysfunction in society and sometimes it goes deep into homes and family life. I write about things like this because I have experienced first hand the dis-ease of living a life not being authentic; I was not being my true self. I write about this because it is now being shown through research that dis-ease in the mind is often directly related to disease in the body; everything is connected.

14. EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED

One of the things I like to think and write about in my blog is the relationship between science and spirituality. I like to be able to see that everything is connected because I believe everything truly is connected, made up of the same matter yet uniquely created and with individual characteristics and traits. 

When I see proof of this connection between science and spirituality in real life it seems to rekindle the flame in me to be myself and to be authentic and comfortable in my own skin. I get excited about it because it proves or confirms to me that there is something bigger than me, than us.  With all that is amazing and unique in the universe that we express gratitude for and study; we do not do that, in society with people. We still see people as either/or, black or white and we don’t pay any attention to the shades in between.  

15.BE FIERCE AND FEARLESS

 If you look deeper into society and who has created change, made progress, improved society and advocated for humanity; it is authentic people  and none of them were just like any other one but they were and are FIERCE AND FEARLESS about their calling! 

Not afraid to speak their own truth, unafraid of judgment by society and you can find them perfectly content while standing out from the crowd; the fierce and fearless. They are the change-makers, the pace-setters and the people that influence others to  make progress and create change too.   Why then, as a society, are we not paying more attention to the acceptance. encouragement and empowerment of others? Why do we not encourage our children to discover and learn themselves, find their gifts and talents and then seek and fulfill a purpose? Why have we accepted or conformed to the idea that we are here only to contribute to society by working and paying bills?

16.  Align with your purpose.   What we long for is usually related to a calling and our unique gifts are usually perfectly aligned and help us fulfill our calling, our purpose.  

You see people in society that are not aligned with their purpose daily! I know you do, they are everywhere. Let me give you an example or two. Have you every dealt with a customer service rep , who after speaking with , you hang up the phone and wonder why in the world they are working in customer service when they are clearly not meant to be doing it. We’ve all been there, the person in the wrong business or career. It wasn’t aligned with our calling; it didn’t feel good to do it. Of course, most of us don’t think that way do we? It’s considered to normal to work at a job we hate, to pay for things we can’t afford, to impress people we often, don’t even really like. Normal can kick rocks in my opinion! #byefelicia   When people get aligned with their purpose and who they are at their core, JOY is present! In my opinion, JOY beats NORMAL all day every day!

17. LIVING INTENTIONALLY

I believe, the number one way begin fulfilling your purpose once you determine what your calling is, is to begin living intentionally. Everything we have done and all the things that have happened; started somewhere with someone as an intention; a clear concise thought about something happening.

We have all been “stuck in a rut.” If you have experienced an awakening you may know it by the term “dark night of the soul”; those times when you feel most alone and distraught, in a valley.  However, when we stop climbing out of the valleys, we don’t move forward; we can get real comfortable in that place if we aren’t living with intention about where we are going.  

It requires a real conscious effort to practice living intentionally but if you can grasp this one basic concept and create a habit of it, you can change your life! You will honestly amaze yourself with what you can do, how much you can actually accomplish in a day when it is set up with intention. 

18. Follow your intuition. Intuition, or our “gut feelings” try to steer us in the right direction, WHEN WE LISTEN. That’s our soul talking, our inner voice, our actual connection to source energy; it’s God. 

 When we listen to our intuition it allows us the chance to set intentions for the outcome we want to occur; it allows for the creation of momentum of thought. God, or source, is saying “ come now, get aligned with your calling, it’s this way.” You now have created a ripple effect of momentum in the right direction. You are also now working WITH UNIVERSE ( OR SOURCE ENERGY) NOT AGAINST IT.

Intention creates momentum…

Momentum creates Progress…

Progress creates Results…

Results bring CHANGE!

  Everything is connected, your thoughts will create a ripple either way. Intention can create the kind of ripple effect you WANT. As always lovelies, you must look within; consult with your soul and listen to it…..This is where your calling awaits and THIS, IS WHAT FULFILLMENT FEELS LIKE! CLAIM IT and KEEP CREATING INTENTION.

Q: How do you know you are aligned with your purpose?

A:You’ll know because you WILL have struggles working to fulfill your purpose; IF YOU ARE ALIGNED THEN YOU WILL STILL FEEL JOY WHILE YOU STRUGGLE!  -Jack Canfield  Author: Chicken Soup for the Soul

19. YOUR LONGING IS YOUR CALLING!!   It’s often that thing we hide away because “NO ONE DOES THAT.“ We have got to get away from that mindset that our purpose and gifts are going to look identical to everyone else’s!! Instead, we need to embrace those skills and continue seeking our purpose no matter who thinks it is normal or who thinks it is crazy! It doesn’t matter what they think because they have their own calling to pursue, your calling is going to be NORMAL for you; it’s just going to fit, click and align with your authentic self.

 I knew I wasn’t aligned with my soul purpose 6 years in, with a great corporate management position, a great benefits package to match plus a lot of perks.The job was perfect after my divorce. It did pay the bills, allowed me to get on my feet again and I was actually really good at it. However, the stress level and hours required were high and many. So much so that the dis-ease I felt started to manifest in physical symptoms; headaches, hair loss and anxiety, for starters. However, I felt like I was in a revolving door I couldn’t step out of most days; other days it was a hamster wheel I feared I would never escape.This was considered “normal” apparently; I looked and asked around and everyone I knew was in the same boat. I thought “this is it…this is what we do here? We live to work and pay bills and still struggle?? We make people we may not ever know money?? Then, if the stress and anxiety is to much; we just go pop a pill to numb ourselves from the dis-ease?? Everyone I knew answered these questions with a similar tone…..” it sucks but that’s life…“ 

That didn’t sit well with me and my mind was constantly pulled to thoughts about there being more to life, more to me and more for me to do.These thoughts, I now know, were powerful intentions of change for me. Little did I know that soon they would snowball into major life and career changes for me.  

20. Awaken to Your Purpose

I’ve read that people often experience a spiritual awakening during trials, tribulations or following a loss or trauma. I had experienced a suicide in the family and a divorce; I had been working 2 jobs to pay the bills and going to school at night. Following that, I found myself in a toxic relationship and living with the feeling that I had sold my soul for some health insurance and a 401k. This truly had me feeling like a failure and a sell out. 

There was always this longing in me; this voice telling me to keep seeking my purpose. The faith my mother raised me in helped me to continue hoping that there was going to be beauty in my struggle some where; I did my best to count it all joy. I was 39 at this time; when God and universe began to shake me awake and prompted me to get my life back; to get back to myself and heal what was causing me to suffer.  

21. Be and see the beauty in your struggle. Your purpose is most likely going to be born from your pain! 

First,  all my negative self-talk and bitterness had to end. I started being conscious about my thoughts and instead of professing that I was isolated and trapped and began claiming that I would soon be away from the toxicity and free! Next, I knew the toxic relationship had to end once and for all. I blocked and deleted numbers, social media accounts and went NO CONTACT! This turned out to be the best decision I have ever made; going no contact showed me the difference between  life in a toxic relationship and a life in which I could live, breathe and not be isolated! I was so happy with the latter, my choice! I wasn’t even fully healed from the divorce prior to that relationship and so my healing process took a long while. In fact, it still continues. It takes a conscious effort almost daily not to slip back into victim mentality. 

22. Ditch the victim mentality

What helped me to empower myself to ditch the victim mentality and aspire to become a victor over my pain was that inner knowing within me that there was a purpose for all of it.  I knew I was never meant to merely survive but to rather thrive; and that is what I set out to do. I started by loving myself first and committing to that for at least one year; no relationship! I knew I couldn’t love anyone properly if I didn’t first love myself and I HAD to get back to that person; the me that had confidence, self-love and belief, empathy for others; I had to find that girl that had the big heart again.  I had to get back to myself!  

If you are stuck in victim mentality you most likely have already started making excuses for yourself regarding what I have written thus far; you started listing reasons and explaining to yourself the many reasons why you can’t do this. You might even be telling yourself that you can’t be a warrior! Well, I am here to call your bluff because if I can then you can for sure!!! In addition, I am here to encourage you so come on, let’s take a look at what the victim mindset looks like compared to the victor or the warrior mindset. Then, you can truly decide which is best for YOU!

    23. Celebrate your personal growth successes! 

If you are purpose-driven, it is crucial that you  pay attention to your unique gifts and talents and celebrate your personal growth successes.   For me, it was worth it to face myself, my past, what caused my suffering and even to reopen some old wounds so they could properly heal.  It was worth it to not have pain from my past  buried below the surface; always lurking there to mess up my next relationship or friendship.  It was worth it to get back to myself and to feel connected again with what I’ve always known was my calling; to help others, to empower others and to encourage others to find and fulfill their purpose!!

24. Weave your calling into your life. Make room for your personal mission and purpose! Incorporate your purpose into your daily method of operation! 

Here are a few questions to ask yourself as you begin your own personal journey to your purpose and calling! It might help you narrow down how you can provide this as a service in love! Can you imagine actually getting to do what you love, every day? I believe if we get intentional about being aligned with our purpose; the money, the resources, the team  and the way will get aligned with us as well.  Here are some questions you can ask to help discover what your soul purpose might be.

What is it that you find yourself longing for?

What do you feel like you are really gifted or talented in?

What do you find yourself daydreaming about?

When you were bored as a child what did you occupy your time with??

  Amazon’s website also has some stellar books and audios to choose from to assist you in your self-development, personal growth process and awakening to purpose. Here is a link to a few of my favorite selections for personal growth tips.  https://amzn.to/2pINWXy  

  Recently, I had a night in which I felt led to open my Bible to Proverbs. There were many verses related to this topic that jumped out at me but this one; Proverbs 10:11 really resonated with my heart so I’m declaring it my number 25 here. 

25.  “HOPE DEFERRED MAKES THE HEART SICK, BUT A LONGING FULFILLED IS A TREE OF LIFE.” -Proverbs 10:11

That dis-ease that had started in my mind was hope deferred and it was making my heart sad and bitter; my purpose being “put off” or ignored was allowing the dis-ease and discomfort that started in thought to start manifesting as physical signs of dis-ease; in the body.  I no longer have these symptoms of stress, hair. loss or anxiety.  It will be a year ago this April 11th that I resigned from the corporate career and decided to do what I had to do to pay bills while I pursued my purpose! I didn’t need a prescription, I didn’t need a better corporate position with better benefits or more perks, I didn’t need more money!  What I needed was what I did; ditch the toxic relationship, ditch the fake friends, ditch the victim mentality and move in the direction of what I was made for. 

26.  Be Tenacious about your Purpose

tenacity- noun 

the quality of being able to grip something

THE QUALITY OF BEING VERY DETERMINED

persistence, perseverance, tirelessness, resolution, STRENGTH OF PURPOSE

What I needed was to get aligned with my calling and become tenacious about fulfilling my purpose!  I have never been happier or more fulfilled; I”m still struggling in a few areas of my life from learning the hard way about helping the wrong people; the take take taker’s, I call them. However, I feel fulfilled. I feel inner peace. I want this for you too lovelies! How can I help you get aligned with your calling today? 

27. VIBRATE HIGHER - LEARN TO CREATE A SHIFT IN ENERGY 

I talk a lot about good vibes and vibrating higher; I talk about protecting your energy and how to get a shift in focus and energy when you have a down or off day or when someone has attempted to “kill your vibe.” Once you begin to do this personal growth work, investing in yourself and being intentional about becoming the victor not a victim; you will find yourself becoming fierce and tenacious about YOU; who you are, what you want and need, where you are going and you will become very choosy about who you invest your time in!! Often times, after making these practices habit, you’ll find that you enjoy your own company better that many others simply because you have evolved! Congratulations, you leveled up; more aligned with your authentic self and your purpose!! Celebrate that and then, wake up tomorrow and DO IT AGAIN. Amazon has a great selection of books to help with this. If you missed my recommended book list last week you can find it via this affiliate link at amazon’s website.  https://amzn.to/2pINWXy

As always, I can’t go one post without mentioning the ONE thing that never fails me when I need a shift in energy or when I find myself thinking with a victim mindset again; it happens…..you don’t need to dwell on it but you do need to change it as quick as possible! Music, for me, is the best way to get an energy shift quick! I have taken the time to make a suggestion of tracks that create good vibes, the lyrics are positive and the beats are gonna get you feeling up when you are down, If you think you could benefit from that too check out this link I made to take you to my special playlists at amazon!! https://amzn.to/2pINWXy

28. DON’T COMPARE YOUR JOURNEY WITH ANYONE ELSE! 

 It is way to easy and  much more common these days, to become complacent with life. Our regular routines SEEM to work because we function and survive in them. In comparison to everyone else, we consider ourselves normal because we function, in and with, the rest of society; we work, we sleep, we eat, we pay bills. We shouldn’t be comparing our lives to other people or measuring success by comparing careers, social status or assets acquired.  When we compare ourselves to other people, we will never measure up. The reason for this is that, ONLY OUR CALLING IS GOING TO FEEL NORMAL TO US! 

29. KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON!

If we never seek and find what it is, that longing, the feeling that something is missing, will remain. Sometimes we have to do some healing and self-development  within ourselves before we can take on what our calling is going to require of us; the important thing to remember is this; once you decide to jump off the hamster wheel and seek your soul purpose; don’t stop. There are going to be days that the hamster wheel looks like a vacation compared to personal growth but you just have to keep on moving forward in your own growth; one healing, empowering step at a time.  As you begin, you might not know where to start and that is okay, I got you! 

30. LIVE, LOVE, LEARN, LAUGH, REPEAT! 

 Everything is connected, your thoughts will create a ripple either way. Intention can create the kind of ripple effect you WANT.  

As always lovelies, you must look within; consult with your soul and listen to it…..This is where your calling awaits and 

THIS, IS WHAT FULFILLMENT FEELS LIKE! CLAIM IT and KEEP CREATING INTENTION.

ONE LOVE,

KARYN DEE #THEINTUITUVEWILDFLOWER

www/pinterest.com/theintuitivewildflower

Q: How do you know you are aligned with your purpose?

A:You’ll know because you WILL have struggles working to fulfill your purpose; IF YOU ARE ALIGNED THEN YOU WILL STILL FEEL JOY WHILE YOU STRUGGLE!

-Jack Canfield Author of Chicken Soup for the Soul

#infj #awaken #purposedriven #purposefilledlife #intentionalliving #selfdevelopment #personalgrowth #positivity #theintuitivewildflower #adventuresofawildflower #empath #highlysensitive #woke #staywoke #empowerU #inspire #motivate #entrepreneur #intention #ambition #tenacity #sprirituality #wildflowers #wildflowerpower #align #grind #alignandgrind #positivevibes #goodvibes #positivevibesoultribe

[jamesquinlanmeservy-author]

JQM Literary Spotlight Presents “China Blonde” by Nicole Webb

  First, let’s get to know you a bit.  Tell us something unique about yourself:

I used to be a television news reader in Sydney, Australia and in 2010, I gave it all away, when my hotelier husband, and I (plus bump) decided to do that thing called ‘carpe diem’ and move to Hong Kong, the City that Never Sleeps. We lived there for 4 years, at first surviving and then thriving before being called up to live in the middle of China in the second-tier city of Xi’an, home to 9 million people.

  What is the Genre and Audience for this book?

China Blonde is a memoir of our 2.5-year journey living in China, which will appeal to anyone who’s ever stepped out of their comfort zone or simply loves an adventure. For those whoenjoy memoir, travel narrative and commentary on a contemporary culture with a good dose of humor, China Blonde is for you.

    What was the inspired you to write this book?

As a journalist, I always knew I had a book in me. When we moved to China, I knew I had my book.

Boasting the world’s largest population and 2nd largest economy yet with a culture so very different to any I’d ever known, I knew I had to show the world what China’s people were really all about. I also wanted to share my journey which had us feeling like aliens on many occasions to finding our tribe and almost belonging in China’s ancient capital.

  Tell us about your book:

  “Having found true love late in life, Nicole would rather be anywhere with her hotelier husband, James, than without him, so two weeks after he flew out to Xi’an in North West China, Nicole and their three-year-old blondie, Ava cautiously followed suit.

It’s only a two-and-a-half-hour plane ride from Hong Kong to Xi’an, but the great divide between the Communist-led nation of China and its independent little sister is very real.

Culture shock hits them head on as they’re jostled off the plane into the alien-like airport. They’re the only blondes in a sea of locals and it feels like all eyes are on them, with everyone wondering why these fair-haired foreigners are so far from home.

But now this is their new home and they are about to begin life in a five-star hotel in China, the middle of a bustling tourist strip housing a 1300-year-old Pagoda and so much more. But somehow this pair of blondes become far more photographed than the famed Pagoda itself!”

  After four years in Hong Kong, we thought we were ready for life in the Motherland, and jumped at the opportunity to move to Xi’an, in the very centre of China. How wrong we were! Nothing could have prepared us for the culture shock, not just of living in a city so different from our own, but not knowing anyone and having to somehow find our tribe where few people spoke our language, and many had never seen a Westerner.

  CHINA BLONDE isn’t just another expat story about landing on foreign shores knowing not a single soul, it’s also about China, a country that is currently making news headlines around the globe on a daily basis.

  An extremely timely memoir as we watch many countries questioning their future relationship with this superpower, most people only know China as a burgeoning economic power with a Communist party led government.

Isn’t it time we found out more about this nation set to become one of the world’s most formidable countries? Don’t we want to know more about these people who are currently the world’s major inbound tourists (and only 8 per cent hold a passport)? Just who are they, how do they think and what do they want?

  China Blonde offers a very rare, personal and educated insight into the Middle Kingdom, a nation of kind and generous people who until recently have only lived to survive in a country of 1.4 billion.

  ‘Entertaining and a little educational, with just the right amount of humor to keep people, as one reader said, ‘Gobbling it up.’’ One reader says.

  I hope readers walk away feeling emotional yet fulfilled, and while they’ve learned a lot about an amazing country, they will also have also learned a little bit about themselves.

      Where can we purchase your book:

China Blonde can be purchased online from September 2020. Please visit my website and subscribe here for purchase details. http:///www.nicolewebbonline.com

JQM LITERARY SPOTLIGHT PRESENTS “China Blonde” BY Nicole Webb JQM Literary Spotlight Presents “China Blonde” by Nicole Webb   First, let’s get to know you a bit. 

#BookSpotlight #ReleaseDay