#i don't pride myself in knowing a lot about all the eggs and i think it's obvious which ones i know more about

[cat-mentality]

It's funny really, how much the children have taken from their adoptive parents.

How looking at them is something akin to looking in a mirror.

Chayenne who is eerily similar to Philza with the same blue hair and blue eyes, the same nose, but whose smile is all Missa's. Who loves deeply, like them both, who likes cooking and avoids larger crowds, who has no time for people's bullshit, who likes stories, farming potatoes and training with his weapons.

Ramon whose tiny smile is a carbon copy of Fit's, something precious to be cherished like the gift it is. Who is clever and resourceful and focused on what really matters, hardworking to a fault.

Leonarda with Vegetta's purple eyes and Foolish's cheekbones and nose. Leo who is creative and protective, who will defend her loved ones with everything she has, who wants pretty things and nice buildings in her name, who enjoys the good things in life.

Dapper who is his father's copy, who proudly display the demonic traits many hide in shame, the midnight skin, the white eyes, the little horns. Dapper who is clever, who likes to play with the obscure, who collects animals, who is fiercely protective of her loved ones.

Tallulah who may as well be Wilbur's copy as well, the same curly brown hair, the same big dark eyes, whose smile is just the tiniest bit crooked, exactly like Phil's. Tallulah who loves music so very deeply, who is passionate and puts her heart into her projects.

It's tragic really, how much the children have taken from their adoptive parents.

How looking at them is something akin to looking in a mirror.

Chayenne who is the oldest. The little warrior, his father’s son in bravery and courage and protectiveness, Chayenne who has taken the role of the protector without having to be told.

Chayenne, who is his fathers’ son. Who hides his insecurity and his fear because he cannot allow himself to appear weak or scared because all the siblings are looking at him for comfort, for guidance. Chayenne who takes every single thing gone wrong as a signal of his failure, of his weakness, who fear every single day that his siblings, that his parents, are going to look at him and see the scared little boy who cannot save his siblings, who failed them so many times and just keeps on failing.

And that they will realize he is not worth their time or their love.

Chayenne who is his father’s son and cannot put those insecurities into words, who cannot talk about them because they are his burden to care, because his parents and siblings have more important things to care about, because he is the oldest and he is not suppose to give them reasons to worry, he is supposed to be strong and reliable.

He has never been taught to be honest about his fears, he has watched as his father takes on the responsibility of taking care of another child by himself without a word of protest, he has watched as he father held his emotions close to his chest and he has learned to do the same. 

Chayenne like his father Missa, who believes he is not worth of their love unless he proves it with his actions, who is scared of failure as much as he is scare of trying, who struggles with what he truly wants to do, with the childish urges to just have fun, to just ask for a hug or to cry in the embrace of a loved one, and the believe of what he thinks he must do, stay strong and brave and keep his siblings safe so that they do not share his pain, so that they know they are loved and appreciated and that they are safe with him.

Leonarda who shares her pa Foolish's loneliness.

Leonarda who has so very few people she feels like she can trust, so very few people she believes would even care to look at her twice, and who has lost, on multiple occasions, those people, who has felt alone and scared too many times to count.

She hides her feelings deep inside even when it hurts, can't bear to expose them to the world because she knows how easily the world will step on them, how easily they will laugh at her or even ignore her pain because they are so very used to not thinking about her at all. Leo who clings to her loved ones with protective fierceness, even with jealousy, because she has so very few of them.

Just a child, a child like the others, yet most of the time people don't seem to take her seriously, just like they don't take her pa seriously, Leonarda who just like her pa Vegetta feels like she must step up as the protector, that she has to take charge into protecting the one person who has always seem and understood her, who will put him above everyone else because she knows that they will never be anyone's else priorities.

Lonely little girl with her lonely silly father, waiting for a ghost, surviving on memories.

Dapper who is the victim of sins that don't belong to her. Dapper, forever burdened by actions they didn't take, a child punished by the sins of the father. A child, who will gladly take the burden of pain if that means his sister and father will remain safe and unharmed.

Dapper who trusts very few people, Dapper who like her father keeps her plans to herself, who wants to fix things with his own hands, who doesn't want others to be sucked into their plans, who doesn't want anyone to ever be hurt for their sake, Dapper who loves so very deeply but who like the man who raises him do not know how to trust, how to let others help.

A child, so familiar with death. A child, so understanding that everything comes to an end, so utterly aware that her time is counted and all the implications of it. A child, like her father, so connected with death, a child who does not fear death, but rather the consequences of his passing will have on the ones he loves the most. A child, who never puts himself as a priority in his plans, a child who always thinks about the bigger picture, who hides her pain and his fears because they are not as important as getting the results.

Ramon who is so serious, so comically serious, a child who tries to behave so much older than his years. Ramon who doesn't like to be sentimental, who doesn't like to talk about mushy things, who doesn't even call Fit "dad" even if he has loved him since the beginning.

A child forced to grow up so quickly. A child with adult's fears. A child who wants to make plans for his father in case one day he wouldn't be here to take care of Fit anymore, who wants him to have other people.

Ramon who will show his love in little gestures, in short phrases he will pretend he never said after, who like Fit tackles emotions like dangerous mobs, who don't know how to tame the storm that breeds inside his chest, who doesn't know how to express the vulnerability that lays inside him, who would rather kill that part of himself. Ramon who loves, heavens, how much does he love, and he will show it in his actions, he will show it by putting himself in front of his sisters when there is danger close, he will show it by watching their favorite movies without complaining, he will show it by helping his father, he will show it in silent companionship, he will show it in tiny little smiles.

Ramon who loves so much, so deeply, Ramon who doesn't believe he has done anything to earn the same love back, Ramon who thinks he has to give and give and give to deserve the love that he has never realized is freely given. Ramon who is too much like Fit to recognize his own importance, his own worth, Ramon who, like Fit, doesn't think he could be loved simply by who he is.

Tallulah who understands her papi now.

That recognizes she was just a silly little girl when they met for the first time, who dreamed of the impossible. Stupid for ever thinking that her love alone would be enough, that she could love enough for both herself and Wilbur.

She couldn't, of course she couldn't. Wilbur didn't belong to the Island, like herself he was too big for this place, unable to lay down his roots, a leaf in the wind just passing by with no intention of ever building a home, or staying in the same place for too long.

It's not his fault, she tries to tell herself when rage builds a nest inside her heart, it's not his fault his calling is elsewhere, it's not his fault he cannot stand to be locked up, that he has the freedom everyone else dies and kills for. He tried, he warned her, but Tallulah had been alone and afraid, a silly little girl who believed in fairy tales, who believed she could be loved as fiercely as she longed to love another.

(That is something they share as well, not that Tallulah knows it- They love deeply, herself and Wilbur, they cling to love with desperation, trying to fill an unending void that lives inside their hearts, an emptiness that comes from never feeling like you are someone's priority, that comes from never fitting anywhere.)

Her love alone could not hold them together exactly how no one's love can hold her together now.

Tallulah who is her father's daughter, who is shaped not by his presence but rather by the empty spot he left in her heart, one that cannot be filled by anyone else, no matter how much they may love her.

Children, forced to grow up too fast, too quickly. Children who learned so much from their parents.

#so #i tried? #i don't pride myself in knowing a lot about all the eggs and i think it's obvious which ones i know more about #but i did read some other analysis and read the wikia to remember some lore points #and this is what i came up with #im open to suggestions and criticism tbh #qsmp #qsmp analysis #qsmp writing #because i like to do both at the same time fight me #qsmp chayanne #qsmp leonarda #qsmp dapper #qsmp ramon #qsmp tallulah #qsmp philza #qsmp badboyhalo #qsmp foolish #qsmp wilbur #qsmp fitmc #i never realize how long a post will be until i post it #truly my main skill issue #so im posting it in two parts because it was too fucking long

[haphazardcorvid]

I don't usually post anything about qsmp (or post at all because I have difficulties with communicating myself online, so if the tone or wording is weird or off-putting, I apologise) but I kinda wanted to share some thoughts on how the Meta unintentionally affects the rp, especially in the case of members going missing.

(Also this will be Long. I'm sorry. Concise writing is a gift I do not possess.)

This isn't like, the fault of the members or storyline, but I think it what inevitably happens on a server where RP and planned character lore blur with complete casual play where it's just... Real people interacting. This isn't even really criticism, just observation, because there's really no blame or fixable issue. Nobody is at fault, it's simply A Thing That Can Happen, especially when the server prides itself on spontaneity and leaving the characters AND creators in the dark (which is a thing that overall makes the qsmp really exciting) about the larger lore and other characters lore.

The Meta of real life can really influence the rp reactions, however unintentionally, and I'm mostly noting it in the case of characters going missing. For what I think is the best example, when q!Baghera was missing for AGES, I genuinely think there should have been a much bigger in-character server reaction than the one we saw? Especially considering how active she is and her wide array of friends and family. (Correct me if you saw otherwise, it just seemed more minimal from my non-french speaking pov, maybe I'm wrong).

The issue seems to stem from the creators themselves knowing that the other creator is simply on hiatus because of real life things, and that bleeds into the rp unintentionally, especially when their character didn't see the missing one actually go missing. It felt similar with Jaiden, but also less so, because she wasn't as active as Baghera and wouldn't be interactive for long periods after Bobby's death. She's still a good example though.

So the characters don't know where their friend is or even if they're not around for a bad reason, but the players know the fellow player is doing Stuff and can't come online, and it seems to muddle the rp reaction. Probably because it's not heavy scripted RP - they react blindly to events and often their characters are just extensions of themselves. (Tbh it didn't help with q!Baghera that they just got new people, and then the eggs disappeared, so all other thoughts just flew out the window). I just wish she'd gotten a stronger reaction, and genuinely think real life meta affected that. Like with some perspectives (q!Phil, for example) it was hard to know she was actually Missing missing (nobody mentioned it).

I think this is inevitable when the approach to rp is more heavily Reacting rather than Acting (there's acting too, but qsmp scripting seems to act more like guidelines than dictated interactions). It pops up a lot - when Etoiles was in America (tbf his character is more Lone Wolf, Mr 200k), Jaiden, etc. Then, because that person physically can't come online in real life, and there's often zero clues or puzzles about their whereabouts, it flatlines or peters out until their return because nobody can do anything and their characters don't know anything (often the creators too, it seems, because everyone is very averse to metagaming for good reasons). The casual side of gameplay means it becomes just people waiting for their friend to be available again.

On a funny note, you can get around some of this the Pac Mike way, by simply being kidnapped/vamoosed directly in front of your loved ones/friends. Instant Oh Shit reactions, the possibility for extending angst (q!Pac you sad angsty legend) the whole shebang - although you can still get the side effect of characters seeming to care less too fast, because it blurs with the players just comfortably waiting for their friend to come back from hiatus. In fact, it seems the best way to get a reaction from a Missing storyline is to vanish in front of someone, or leave breadcrumbs before or after the event. The Brazilians do that super well.

This meta bleed could also go the opposite way, which is why I'm so curious about q!Fit and q!Tubbo noticing q!Phil's disappearance. In that case it might mean they notice he's gone (in rp) unnaturally quickly, because they know his schedule of streaming and the fact that he's not going away in real life this week, and that he was most likely going to stream on monday, which could tip them off, but isn't necessarily an in character reason. There are other in rp explanations - he tells them whenever he's going away, they've antagonised the feds, he said he'd be around, etc - but I'm curious about the Meta, because realising today would be very fast. It's why I think it would be good if there were more breadcrumbs left so it isn't so affected by real life (because they could also lean the other way and ignore it too much because of metagaming). Hints or something of that ilk.

There's also the matter of scripting. Like I know Phil and Forever have been messaging about lore to ensure rp etiquette isn't broken and they get to do all the ideas they have planned. It does turn reacting into acting, but eh, I think a good balance of both is necessary, as much as we the audience love genuine shock and discovery. The creators absolutely plan things behind the scenes, and maybe Baghera didn't put so much weight on the rp reactions to her being gone? I don't know their minds, so I can't speculate. Doesn't change what I think about the Meta affecting it though.

I dunno. This is just one long ramble, because I was disappointed in the more lacking reactions to long absences, especially in the case of Baghera, and wanted to dissect one of the things I think is influencing it. I could just be chatting rubbish. It's not a blame game of 'oh they're doing this wrong' but genuinely something I find interesting. I love the server and the way we react to discoveries WITH the creators themselves, not just the characters, it's just an interesting thought. I just wish there had been more storyline connected to other ccs about Baghera being missing, because her lore is SO good. I wanted the Angst, goddamit.

#Anyways I don't know what I'm talking about #And I don't know what I'm doing #How the fuck do people talk online all the time #Just didn't see anyone mentioning this so I finally posted something #That could just mean nobody said it because it's bullshit please tell me if it's bullshit I don't know how to read the room #qsmp #qsmp baghera #qsmp philza #qsmp Jaiden #qsmp forever #qsmp etoiles #qsmp pac #qsmp mike #qsmp rp #Please keep in mind I'm coming from a chronically English monolingual pov

[br1ghtestlight]

Bob burger gender and seuxality inspired by @koko-raccoon

bob - bisexual and cisgender-ish but also he's had this interaction with louise at least once

linda - she's a supportive cishet ally but she's had Lesbian experiences in her youth so who could say. she also dated gay men in high school to help them stay closeted so she's an unofficial member of the lgbtq community <3 she's like dolly parton yknow

gene - genderfluid and pansexual maybe?? or gay? I don't have a lot of thoughts on his sexuality tbh

tina - polyamorous and straight. definitely a Girl but her being transfem also makes sense in my head so she's either trans or cis either way she's very much a girl. maybe bisexual but like 10% attracted to girls and 90% boys. a pretty girl who was a customer at the restaurant smiled at her once and she thought about it for the next week

louise - agender and uhh.... lesbian? aroace?? one of those she isn't sure yet. she loves rudy no matter what though. maybe demiromantic asexual. Triple A louise (aromantic asexual agender she identifies with NOTHING)

gayle - she's a lesbian but she doesn't know that. she's cis but in an agender way <- does not follow up on this or explain myself at all

jimmy jr - aroace & cis

zeke - he's transmasc and straight

tammy - cis lesbian

jocelyn - also lesbian :) and transfem but she transitioned when she was pretty young i think. she was one of those four year olds who told their mom they were supposed to be born a girl and her family just kinda went with it and she was on hormone blockers by 5th grade ("Good for her")

rudy - straight but possibly transfem in which case he'd be a lesbian. not sure. definitely has egg vibes

darryl - he's cishet </3 but his lovely girlfriend is bisexual so he's that type of guy who would be at pride anyway (does not clarify who his girlfriend is. doesnt matter)

teddy - bisexual and asexual bcuz @koko-raccoon helped me see the vision. he does not know asexuality is a thing. could see him as transmasc too for sure. also polyamorous but in a casual way its not something he'd actively seek out but he wouldn't mind being in a relationship with multiple people either (same w/ bob and linda) he's got such a big heart

mort - he's never labelled himself but i think he wouldn't question it if he was in a relationship with a guy or found himself attracted to one. he's easy. maybe he'd just label himself as queer

mr frond - probably transfem and definitely bisexual. also asexual i think

mr ambrose - going to quote @koko-raccoon here bcuz they got it exactly accurate. don't need to reinvent the wheel. "no label. Uses queer to describe himself. Will go by any pronouns and will fuck anyone and it will be considered gay sex no matter who you are"

sasha - gay and came out at like age 7

duncan - also gay and nonbinary somehow. he/they energy

marshmallow - transfem lesbian

calvin - bisexual but is more into men than women. maybe like 30/70 attraction wise

felix - has questioned his gender identity on at least five seperate occasions but it never goes anywhere bcuz its too stressful for him and he's a little crazy. always feels like he's "queer" somehow but he knows he isn't attracted to men so he doesn't know what else it could be. dressed up in his mom's clothes and makeup ALL THE TIME as a kid. dont worry she'll get there eventually

gretchen - straight but transfem

jimmy pesto - horrible horrible Gay man who has to work through 500 layers of internalized homophobia. he's like a gay man trapped in the body and mind of a 1950s husband

andy - aroace

ollie - demiromantic straight and asexual

harley - pansexual and she gets a little nonbinary w/ it. collects microlabels like stickers when she's older

henry haber - cishet but also supports his awesome pansexual girlfriend (susmita) him and darryl should form a club

susmita - pansexual as previously mentioned

#The pesto brothers.... call that the aromantic spectrum #txt #bob's burgers

[banicraft]

hey i just wanted to say that this is my favorite resource pack probably ever, even if it isn't out yet!! i absolutely adore all the custom models you made and i don't think i could choose ONE favorite thing even if i tried so im gonna list some things i really like: - the little tuft of wool on sheep heads - the offset snout on the pig - the brown mooshroom having lines as markings while the red ones have spots (THAT WAS ACTUALLY GENIUS) - the stars on the phantom's undersides - PIGEONS - the custom model you made for the skeletons!! it never sat right with me how minecraft skulls have the exact same shape as a regular head - BLUE FISH!!!! MY ONE TRUSTED FRIEND THE BLUE FISH FROM MINECRAFT - all of your vanilla shulkers PLUS the pride shulkers - the "little guys" as the spawn eggs!! they're all so cute!!! - making the zillagers bluescreened villagers was SO SMART - vending machine witch !!!! what more could you want in life?? i'm not even normally a big fan of "cute" resource packs, i feel like a lot of them try too hard, but there's just something about this one that really scratches an itch i didn't even know my brain had! i will ABSOLUTELY be finding a way to use this pack when it comes out!! if i have to take all the textures and port the models over to java myself just to have a chance to play with them then i will!! oh also if you've done the bat already can you please send me a link to them if you answer? i love bats i wanna see what you did with it :D

Ello! And Thank You so much! It really means a lot to me that this personal project of mine is enjoyed by so many more people than i could have ever imagined!

i do have plans for a java port, tho it'll take some time after the bedrock release since i havent messed around with java edition much

also, here is the bat you asked for:

#answered ask

[stormblessed95]

Hi Storm!! This has been on my mind so I thought I would send in an ask. Idk if you are a swiftie, but I am. Taylor has a new album coming out next month (crossing my fingers that PJM1 doesn’t drop the same weekend because I want Jimin to have his own moment) but onto my point…

There was a major uproar from fans after the speculated that this album would have even more queer undertones and a possible “coming out” from her with Midnights. And there was even a Rolling Stone article talking about her rumored queerness which brought a huge twitter controversy and a shit ton of homophobia. I hate that people are assuming that she will come out with this album release or pressuring her too, I really hated even more that people were so homophobic adamant that Taylor is straight. The homophobia and heteronormativity extends beyond the BTS fandom into other huge fandoms too. It really made me mad and sad. And I’m sure Taylor is aware of both sides of her fandom.

Idk what my real point to this is other than this is a huge patriarchal society problem clearly. The way some swifties dismiss any possibility of her being apart of the LGBTQIA+ community is giving the same energy that the members of BTS receives when someone speculates that *cough Jikook* could be in a romantic relationship and it’s disgusting. This is why pressuring anyone, especially those in the spotlight, to come out is never okay.

Hi! So I do really enjoy lots of Taylor's Music. But I am generally not involved in the fandom nor do I keep track of what goes on with her. I just enjoy the music when it drops. I do have friends who are Swifties though and you best believe my bestie will be getting a call asking why they didn't share their fandom drama with me this time. Lol

Honestly though, I did go look this all up and read through some threads and see reactions to things etc and wow. Yeah, there is a lot of uncomfy discourse happening. I don't know Taylor enough or about everything to honestly give my own opinions over it all though. I don't feel informed enough. Sorry!

I will say that the Bi colors show up alot around Taylor though that I've seen. Her lyrics has raised my own eyebrows here and there on occasion but can also be easily brushed off at times too. So again, I don't know enough. I know she writes all her own stuff though I'm pretty sure and is huge on Easter eggs and clues and hints etc. And there are so many queer coded hints that I've seen and I wouldn't even consider myself part of her fandom. But again, who knows. This music video DOES exist though lol

And yeah, hardcore ally all day. I love it. But the gay song during pride month and she did it with Bi colored hair? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

I don't know anything about her upcoming album release though honestly. But no one can force someone out and no one can assume someone's sexuality. So the people insisting she has to be straight aren't in the right. She has the right to her own privacy though as well. She doesn't HAVE to say anything to anyone about anything either. I do think there is a difference between assuming she might be coming out vs pressuring her to come out too. Talking about the queer undertones in her music and gay fans being excited about it, relating to it and wondering if this means she might say something diffinitive about it now. Isn't the same as insisting she say something about it or come out. I'm sure there are people doing both because fandoms can suck sometimes, but don't downplay every queer fan for hoping for a more queer album or maybe a coming out as them insisting she do so either.

But again, I don't know enough so Idk how much I can really say! All I know is that she seems happy in her relationship, my hardcore swiftie bestie tells me she is and that she has been throwing herself into these latest albums. So I just hope she stays happy and enjoys her life to the fullest and if nothing else, I hope she is a good ally.

Sorry fandom drama and homophobia is everywhere anon. That's nothing new 🥺

[heart-of-wool]

7/12/2023

Weigh in, OMAD, Nightmares, School

Hello again!!!! I almost don't want to weigh in today, I just feel bigger... there's no way those extra cals didn't do anything to me. I'm really nervous but, it will be a learning experience. Today... 88.6 lbs! Only a 0.2 lbs loss, but I'm grateful that it's a loss at all!!!! A little turns into a lot very quickly!!

I'm so happy that I didn't gain from yesterday.. isn't that a miracle!! Onto everyone's favorite subject: OMAD! Like I said yesterday, today's OMAD is simply one boiled egg. It's because I overate yesterday, 357 instead of 255 cal. That's really embarrassing.. I still can't believe I ate so much. All because of one chicken nugget and one egg yolk, I was 102 cals above my planned meal!!! Never say "just one" or "just a little!" Don't worry, I exercised well that day. Along with my egg, I am going to have black coffee and diet soda, and of course water. I am excited to eat this because I'm excited to feel hungry even after... maybe I'll just go one egg the rest of the week too, because then I would be sure that I fixed my week. This is super exciting!!!!!! I really feel in my heart I'm starting to enjoy this process. It's important to have a positive mindset about this because then it makes you happy, thinking about eating so little... it gives me butterflies in my stomach and that excited feeling in my chest. Maybe it's a bad thing, but to me I feel more beautiful with each passing day, every bit of weight lost, feeling lighter and lighter, like I am light itself.. feathery and soft, inside and out.. it just doesn't compare to anything else, it's its own very special feeling that I work hard to earn. Hard work pays off very well! The pride I feel later is always better than the pleasure I feel in the moment.

Okay, enough of my euphoric rantings! I haven't been getting good sleep lately as you know.. I had a terrible sleep last night!! I had terrible nightmares last night, I hate having bad dreams. Something funny from one of my nightmares though, I had a dream that I had a bmr of 200 cals... I woke up from that one and laughed after ☺︎ The only good dream I had was that I baked cookies, very delicious chocolate chip cookies with a chocolate filling, and then I ate toast with honey, and a packet of m&m cookies, and some other delicious things, but then I woke up right as I was about to make a grilled cheese sandwich!!! It was really frustrating, but I woke up feeling full, so... great dream to end my series of bad dreams!

At least there was a good dream to end the bad. Very comforting. You know what else is comforting? SCHOOL STARTS SOON!!!!!!!! I'M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!! In about a month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy it makes me want to cry, school soon!! I can't wait!!! Also, very exciting, if I keep up with my planned meal and follow it well, I am guaranteed to be BELOW my current ugw of 85 lbs by the first day!!! It's so exciting it's making me teary eyed!! ☺︎☺︎☺︎☺︎ I just love school so much, I hope I'll be pretty by the time I get there. I will work very very hard, I will work hard to make myself pretty and work hard in school. You know the saying, "BMI low, grades high?" I will definitely live by this during school ☺︎ School is very important so you should work to do well! I'm really very grateful to be able to attend school. I'm going to a new school this year. It's because I'm starting high school, it's my freshman year!!! It's a lot to learn, credits and stuff, it's really confusing, but I think I'll learn how it works better soon. Yay ☺︎

Other than this, not much left to say. It's been a good day, now I'm going to walk to get my 10k steps in. I changed my watch face for this reason, I like it a lot. Easy to see my steps, cals burned and my heart rate. Cute and simple!

If you read this far then thank you!!! I hope this wasn't too long of a post for today!!!

Lots of love, heart-of-wool ☺︎

#tw ana diary #thinner is better #🕯️as a 🪶 #thinnblr #anatumblr #eedee tumblr #i want to be weightless #anorex14 #need to lose more weight

[adamsmasher]

🌷💞✨ answer with 3 random facts about yourself, then send this to 10 other people 🌷💞✨

oh boy, 3 random facts!!! ummmm okay ummmmm oh gosh, this is hard. like, facts. it's like, there's so many things about me, having to pick three things? my mind is going completely blank. It's like meeting a comedian and being like "hey, tell me a joke!" they could be the funniest mfer on the planet but they're still gonna be like "uhhhhhhhhh"

I took two years of Japanese in high school. I can still read and write most of hiragana and katakana, though that doesn't mean I know what I'm reading or writing, if that makes sense. Like, I can't translate, but I can tell you like "oh that says oshinko o tamago kawasaki" but don't ask me what that means (especially since I think what I wrote was like "radish, egg, the motorcycle brand Kawasaki")

I don't think I've officially talked about this here, but over the last year or so I've been coming to terms with being nonbinary. I predominantly use he/him pronouns but think of they/them as like a nice little treat. That's part of what took me a while to figure it out, I felt most comfortable using he/him and, though I like they/them, committing to they/them didn't feel right. It was actually a JVN interview where he was like "yeah i'm gender fluid, I use he/she/they pronouns but mostly he/him" and I was like "wait, I can be enby and still use only/mostly he/him pronouns? wooooaahhhhhh, okay yeah that's me." Nothing else about me changing (e.g. name, pronouns, how I dress, etc) means that I'm cis-passing which was another thing that prevented me from accepting it for a long time - like I didn't present enby enough for it to count - but a wonderful drunk trans man on pride let me know I was thinking about it all wrong, and all I need to consider myself non-binary is to recognize that I'm somewhere in-between or outside of "man" or "woman," and that's what hit the nail on the head for me. That's the moment I was able to say with my chest "okay you're right, I'm non-binary and use he/him pronouns. Alright!!"

I have some hypermobility disorder issues which means that my joints are bad and hurt a lot and sometimes sublux and it's a whole thing. I get so angry when people are like "oh you're too young for all that!" and I'm like "bitch for starters i'm 35 so no I'm not, but even if I wasn't, telling me I'm too young for that is obviously untrue because it's still happening. omg."

and I'm gonna put this in the following people's inboxes but anyone else who wants to do it can consider themselves tagged or asked: @regirock-and-rollk-and-roll @gamabunta429 @jimisamess @ursamidnight @isitahairbrush

also i’m changing it from 10 people to 3 because ten is a lot but i’m meeting halfway by asking 5

#me #personal #asks

[hannah-ione]

Buckle up, this is going to be a long one!

Lately, I've been thinking about how I present/what I consider myself to be. I know labels aren't the be all and end all but can be useful nonetheless.

People aren't always able to take in a long post, so the TL;DR (Too Long; Didn't Read) summary is:

I'm a bisexual trans woman who is possibly leaning more to 'soft butch' in terms of looks/identity.

Thoughts about this/advice is most welcome.

...On with the show!

So far in life, I've figured out that I'm bisexual, and more recently, also a trans woman. What I'm still getting my head around is how masc/fem I am/consider myself to be.

Growing up, I found I was always envious of how women looked and dressed ('How come they get to wear such pretty things and there's nothing like that for me?'). I suppose I was more preoccupied with other aspects of my life (school, family, mental health) to come to the realisation that I could wear the pretty things if I wanted to.

I was dealing with my shyness on top of my introversion, among other things, and the school recommended that I see the child psychologist (Dad: 'He's not going, there's nothing wrong with my kid''; his controlling nature and fragile ego rearing its ugly head again). So, no help for me then...

As an aside, if I had been assessed, I reckon they would have said I had some sort of neurodivergence (but that's a whole new subject for another time!).

I wasn't totally nerdy/bookish, I enjoyed playing in the school sports teams (rounders, football, and later on, rugby), I wouldn't say I was outstanding but I had skills! I was also in the Scouts, and loved the outdoors and camping life! I was considered to be, for want of better terms, a 'normal/average' kid, neither overly effeminate nor overly macho.

As a child of the pre-internet age (there was a time that it didn't exist, shocking I know!). I never had any easily accessible resources to explore the many thoughts and feelings I was having. I had never knowingly met anyone who was gay, lesbian or bi in real life, let alone anyone who was transgender. The dominant representations and stereotypes that existed in the media at that time were:

gay men, depicted as camp limp-wristed fairies, were going around spreading HIV/AIDS

lesbians were presented as either despised butch man-haters or the 'prettier' ones tolerated as long as men could watch them in pornos

transgender women were men in dresses and transgender men were non-existent.

Throughout my teens and my twenties, I came to realise that I was attracted to men and women. I was able to access counselling and a workplace support group helping me to confirm and accept my bisexuality.

One memory from that time, I was chatting to a friend, and I don't really recall how we got talking about this topic (I think he was maybe telling me about his girlfriend at the time), but I said to him, that if I was a girl, I would probably be a lesbian. Looking back, maybe it was one of the signs that I never picked up at the time that indicated that something was a bit different about me.

Skipping forward, with the growth and ease of access of the internet, which allowed me to find resources, and finding the courage to go to local pride events, I was starting to show a bit more of my feminine side now and again. I occasionally wore nail polish, lip gloss and mascara.

When I began making more online friends, some would like to roleplay during chat. I would almost always take the female part, so the scene would usually play out as us being a 'straight couple'. Still, I hadn't joined the dots, it was just something I found was a turn on for me. Perhaps it was naivety or an unconscious denial that stopped me making connections.

Now we get to the event that finally made me realise, that actually, I'm trans.

It was the coming out of my cousin's husband as a trans woman. That was my egg moment, hearing that news sparked something in me, making me look back over my life which gave me lots of 'A-Ha!' moments. The fact that it was someone I knew personally and had met, and seeing how they transitioned from pre-hormones, onwards, really impacted on me. I follow her continued journey on her blog and she is helping other trans people via outreach and advocacy work.

So, back to the question of presentation/identity. While I am drawn to what could be termed traditional feminine things (make-up, dresses, long hair, and so on), day-to-day I feel more of a casual, jeans and t-shirt type of woman.

I love the feeling and look of my shaved head (such a good look for women!), and I can always have the choice to pick different colours and styles of wig or wear headscarves or hats.

The two main things I want are facial hair removal (I'll probably go down the electrolysis route) and hormones. I feel they, more than clothing style and so on, would be more helpful with my sense of womanhood.

I think I fall into the 'soft butch' area in general with the option to present more fem or masc depending on my feelings/situation.

There is one woman in particular, who I follow on Tumblr, that manages to rock different looks; whether it is bare-faced or made-up, or sporting hair that is long, buzzed, shaven or wearing a wig, she is truly inspirational!

Well, that ended up being longer than expected! Any thoughts, observations, questions or advice on anything in this post are most welcomed, feel free to message me.

#transgender #trans #transitioning #transition #trans woman #transfemale #lgbtq #trans women #bisexual #butch #fem

[padawan-crevette]

7, 8, and 14 for the pride asks :)

Hi there! :)

7. Are you the "token" queer person in your family?

As far as I'm aware yes, at least I'm the only one who's out and a lot of relatives have made it clear they perceive me as the odd one out, but then again I only know a fraction of my family so I really can't say

8. Describe your gender without using any words traditionally related to gender:

"Error 404: Not Found"

14. How do you think other factors like neurodivergency or upbringing have impacted your identity?

(This one ran long, sorry! And thank you for asking it, it was very fun to answer!)

My parents are ND too, no matter how much they're in denial over it half the time, and I think it showed in the way they raised me with hardly a thought for gender stereotypes until puberty hit and my dad got all overprotective about it. I think they also don't understand gender as well as they think, because what they say doesn't match up with what they do. Especially as far as gender roles go, you can see it's a learned thing and not quite something they understand because it's absolutely not consistent across the board, and that really bled over onto the way they raised me. You can probably imagine how confused I was when other people, particularly at school, started expecting me to conform to certain ideas in regards to my behavior and tastes.

It definitely took a long while for my autistic ass to even get it lmao and I think both of these things play a huge part in the way I understand gender as a concept only in relation to other people and the way they identify and define themselves. Encountering the word "agender" was even more a revelation than "non-binary" was, and honestly such a relief. Same for asexual and aromantic. As much as I am a big language nerd overall and love to read, defining myself in single word labels was a big struggle for a while, and had the same flavor as struggling with finding the right words to express myself and my emotions in my daily life, which is one of the things that first made me relate with posts about autism. Figuring out I'm autistic helped me understand my identity and how I function the same way figuring out my gender identity and orientation did, and it's all something I'd never have bothered to do if I hadn't felt the need to find people I belonged with when many pushed me away or questioned who I was. Hell, I never thought of questioning my orientation until my friends in high school talked about being straight/gay/bi (the only three labels they knew) and asked me my preferences. My immediate response was a confused "I can't just... Idk, like people??" in part because growing up in very tiny countryside villages, I wasn't really exposed to queerness as a concept for a while, and what thoughts I may have had on the subject were filed under "marked for later", and in part because when the question came up I only had some vague thought that maybe gender had nothing to do with liking someone or not.

Same goes for being aspec and poly, my flavor of neurodivergency comes with being somewhat confused about people and feelings and emotions most of the time, and it took a long while for me to have some idea of what I felt and wanted. But getting there came along with meeting some truly lovely folks, and spending hours talking about it together and finding out we had so much in common.

In conclusion, I'd say my neurodivergency absolutely plays a part in the way I perceive and understand things, including every queer label I identify with, but really all of the above is interconnected in a way that feels very much like the chicken and egg question. And my upbringing at least let me grow up in a space where, more often than not (at least when puberty wasn't getting in the way of my parents' behavior towards me), I didn't feel like I had to think about gender, and I believe that helped me be comfortable with that the way I am now, as an adult.

#ask game #pride ask #it's late and i probably should have left this for tomorrow #as you can see from the rambling answer and possibly typos and other weird structure where i went back in with edits #but it was very fun to answer and think about!

[and-im-yours-to-lose]

If you're going for every song is somewhat truthful you're going to have to acknowledge how many mention men and he/him pronouns, as well as match up with relationship details we know about her relationships

With breakup songs- a lot of people write them looking back- creative people can access past pain. They aren't necessarily living it

You're also going to have to worry she's actually a murderer

Just seems weird to be like 'illicit affairs and post rep breakup songs are 100% true! It's only logical to base arguments off them! Ignore any song that doesn't fit my narrative'

You've picked the least likely songs to be 'real' (and ignored what she said. About her own work. Just as you ignore what she says about her own life, relationships and not being in the community)

I'm sorry, I didn't brought up the songs... I know her songs are not completely truthful, ex: she uses he/him pronouns a lot.

and she has to match her lyrics to her public relationships so it doesn't raise questions that may hurt her brand and the relatable and truthful song writer that she is known as. the drama of it all was part of her success at the beginning of her career, and it's important to this day because hey, what would paper rings be if she wasn't in a loving, super private relationship with Joe?

it does seem weird to be like "illicit affairs and every break up song after rep is 100% true" doesn't it? but I never said that, I said that if paper rings was going to be use to fit your narrative then it was just as valid to use any other song. I was trying to point out that using her songs as justification of which speculations were valid and which ones weren't was a dumb thing to do, because her songs are either a perfect map of her personal life and she in fact did kill a man because that man killed Este or her songs are up for interpretation, which is what most gaylors do but since our interpretations bother you for some reason you think you can decide which songs are more or "least likely to be real"

and the fact that I don't take Taylor's work like the word of God (because guess what lying and Easter eggs are her brand) doesn't mean I ignore what she said, actually I never said that her relationship was fake

I clearly said that the rumors about her relationship being a pr relationship were as 'weird' as the rumors of her being already married... so not weird at all, just something that comes with fame

and I won't get tired of repeating myself, she never said she wasn't a part of the community, she implied it

in the same way she implied that gay pride was something as integral to her identity as western boots lol

#taylor swift #gaylor #anonymous asks

[themockturtlesoup]

My Hair Journey

I was born with a head full of hair. Until puberty, I had so much hair that I couldn't grasp my ponytail in one hand. Then hairfall started. But everyone gets hairfall. It's natural to lose up to 100 strands a day, right?

Until I went to my aunt's wedding. And her brother, who saw me after a long time, literally gasped at the volume of my braid. "What happened to your hair?" I probably showed my dismay. My grandmother, bless her kindly heart, said, " Oh, she just has soft hair like her mum." That stopped the discussion, but the hairfall went on.

Then, about a year or so later, a family friend had the same reaction. " You are practically bald on the front of your head. What happened?"

I was a teen with a healthy amount of pride. I went overdrive in haircare. My mother, whose idea of haircare was oiling, tying a tight braid at night and shampooing once a week, took over. Nothing helped. Then my sister took me for a hair fall treatment in a salon. First time for me. It did help, but for a short time.

I started my own ideas. If it has been on a beauty magazine or on a website under "reducing hairloss," I have tried it. Onion, ginger, fennugreek, hibiscus, amla, henna, egg, yogurt, rice water, essential oils. Too much protein, too much moisture. Shampoo, low poo, no poo. I have spent a fortune on customised hair care and salon treatment. Then someone said getting her hair straightened reduced her hair fall. So, I subjected my fragile hair to heat and chemical. Everything makes sense when you are 20.

Why did I care? You see, I am, after all, a dark-skinned South Asian woman with large front teeth, a broad nose, and poor eyesight. Relatives were concerned about how my poor father would ever marry me off. (My 'poor' father was worried about getting me in med school. I'll give this to him. He wouldn't treat any son any better than he treats me.) Anyway, my dark skin I was born with. I mean, when a dark woman marries a very dark man, you'd think them having a fair child would be more worrisome. My teeth are not big enough for an ethical dentist to fiddle with, but it's definitely big enough to deter potential mothers in law. Same about my nose or eyes. I can't fix them. But I can fix my hair. Or so I thought.

My mother blamed straightening my hair. I couldn't make her understand that after 5 years, I didn't have any of the original straightened hairstrands. We blamed bad water quality, weather, tying hair, keeping hair loose, oiling, not oiling, shampoo brands, conditioner brands. I kept wasting money. Every salon worker would gasp when they touched my hair. I had given up by I was 30.

Then I started Minoxidil. And it worsened my hairfall. You know if you have hair fall and you wonder if you have got a baldspot after taking a shower, so you ask your roommates to have a look? Now imagine your roommate tells you don't have a specific spot, your whole scalp is bare. It's that bad. I decided to give up after 2 months. But I didn't. Then, after 3 months, my hairfall stopped. Like literally all of a sudden. My hairbrush is clear. I can run my finger through without any loose strand. My forehed is visibly shorter due to new hair growth. And I am ecstatic.

Now, don't go buying minoxidil willy-nilly. It's a medicine with clear cut indication, contraindications, and side effects. Talk to a doctor before you start any medication.

That is not the point. My parents are both health care workers. They could have taken me to a doctor anytime in last 20 years. They have taken me to a lot of doctors a lot of time gor other unrelated things. I could have gone to a doctor myself earlier. But we didn't. We knew it wasn't normal. But we accepted it as inevitable. We asked for solutions, but not from the right sources. And when that didn't work, we accepted it as "it is what it is."

Big deal, right? Hairfall. Who cares? Nobody got hurt. Except, people do get hurt. Replace hairfall with eating disorders, depression, neurodivergence, self-harm, bullying, and poor grade. Anything that can affect a teenager that parents don't quite corelate, can't get a quick solution for. So they learn to cope while grasping at straws for some sort of a solution. It's often times the teen's fault, if not by causing the problem, then at least for having the problem. You see, we adults, we don't like being disturbed. We don't like going out of our beaten track. We don't like to have more things to worry about. I know you can't help having a problem, but I have to spend money and time after it. And I don't even understand what the problem is. How it affects you. Why nothing is working. Especially when we are trying so hard. And I genuinely don't know how average parents can do any better.

Anyway, something that genuinely made me unhappy as a teen got solved. I hope what made you unhappy as a teen gets solved, too.

#hairfall #mental health

[phoenixcatch7]

Okay listen I'm gonna gush about age of calamity but seeing as I myself am only like,,, halfway I'm gonna tag spoilers so (lengthy) happy rant under the cut:

ASDFGHJKL??!! Oh my GOSH it's so GOOD!! It's so solid! Listen I was already squealing when I saw impa appear but I figured since she was a beginner character she'd have straightforward movesets and I'd be encouraged to move on, yada yada, but no!! She absolutely slams! She's so fast and agile, it's amazing!!! She's my third fave so far, Link remains my first of course, and darling mipha is second! Dude, I was SO happy to play as her! And baby sidon is adorable. She's so quick as well!

It didn't take long for me to figure out that my style is fast before strong, because I was so hyped to play urbosa and then her zl is stationary charging ToT, completely killed the momentum. I level her up of course, but I don't really play her anymore.

I had high hopes for maz koshia too! I definitely wish I played him more, but I think I'd need to spend a lot more time in the meditation shrine before I felt comfortable taking him on main missions. He's got the coolest sprint too lmao. Örb™

Sidon is SO fun to play as well, I didn't expect to have as much fun with him! His zl is so great to spam, it's an easy rhythm and deals loads of damage. (he's so big next to his sister ToT I love them both so much). Did Not expect the shark aesthetic but its cool XD.

The cutscenes where the future champions appear was INCREDIBLE!!!! I was like :O!!!! @0@!!! Squirming in my seat heavy rock playing on my phone it was the best! They get to MEET THEM AND HELP AND THEY SAVED THEM AND *CRIES*

Really, just in general, the story in this game is AMAZING!! The cutscenes are so well done, and it's great to see link in the outfits I pick out for him XD. I like being dignified, but I have put him in a moblin mask and nothing else to storm the castle with.

The world building is so good, the characterisations are solid, and it's so awesome to see 100 years ago when everything was still intact!

Ah, the castle mission. I tried to clear all the guardians out the first time, I really over level so it wasn't impossible, but then rhoam died :/. I don't really think much of him but that hit hard, watching poor zelda. I'm really glad they didn't give him a useless or cowards death, they could easily have done that given some opinions of him, but it felt so much more true to him. I tried a few more times to kill all the guardians but I just can't reach them :(. I want to save him at least once!!

Akkala was AMAZING!!! Both the quests I've done are SO FUN! Sooga was a great bad guy (I'm worried for him, WHERE IS HE) he felt like the closest to an equal warrior to link. Didn't stop me from trapping him in a corner and cheesing him for all he's worth, but that's the fun of it.

Speaking of fun fights, I was surprised by Teba! His aggressive speed and combos made him a good match for my style, he's easy to main! Needs levelling up if he wants to join my party proper, but so do the majority lol.

Ngl the fairy fountains I DID NOT LIKE. They're so funny and creative, but ehhhh I don't like the idea of them fighting at all, it really messed with me, alas.

I haven't gushed about the cutscenes enough, they're absolutely AMAZING. They're so well animated! It's incredible!! I love love love how they got all the voice actors back, and everyone gets to be a huge found family ToT. Even revali gets a goof or two (though mostly at his own prides expense lol). Little Egg is just cute enough to be comedic relief without being in the way or depleting the angst (the angst is SO GOOD, OH MY GOODNESS). I don't know if link gets microexpressions or I'm just projecting but his animators did him so fine. He looks BADASS. He's THE COOLEST MF AROUND AND THEY ALL KNOW IT. Putting him in a hood obscures him over the shoulder shots occasionally but it's worth it lmao.

I dont know WHO they have doing the lighting of those cutscenes but PAY THEM MORE. It sets off like EVERY scene, especially the ones on the divine beasts, and at night, just LOOK AT THEM.

The most recent mission I've done, Fort Hateno, AMAZING. INCREDIBLE. SO SO GOOD. Zelda!! Darling!! The interactions between riju and urbosa (she's so tall she has to bend like IN HALF to get to her level I'm crying) were so sweet and so neatly showed their dynamic, and really emphasises how riju is a good and capable leader but also still a child. We don't get nearly enough of that. Also her special is super fast and I love it.

ZELDA SHINING PRINCESS OF LIGHT YOU'RE DOING SO WELL HONEY, YOU'RE DOING GREAT TOT. The shiny light was so fun to play with :D. Underleveled, but I feel like I could finally let her safely on a battlefield by herself. I mean I could before, I mained her a bit, but now she's got eldritch weirdness under her belt, she's not gonna die like an npc escorts if she accidentally winds up in the middle of the field. I'm REALLY going to have to put her through her paces in the meditation room though, I have NO idea what she does now lol. What do the gold rings do??? Why is her zl that?

LINK I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT YOU BUT YOU'RE LOOKING FINE AND OP KEEP IT UP KING. His zl is sooooooo handy, I can whip it out whenever and knock the enemy flat from across the field, definitely think the rito should have that move wholesale but ig not lol. My build for him focuses on the full health sword beams, so I have to be careful with him. But he's so easy to mow down a battalion with, he's soooo overleveled.

Haven't had a chance to play with kohga but he's sure to be fun lol. I'd accidentally been spoiled on the yiga defection, but I didn't see anyone else with him... Respect for sooga, loved his character since I saw him, hope he's okay.... We'll definitely either see him make a dramatic escape or a corrupted boss, but we should end up with him in the roster so it shouldn't be too bad? Right????

Wonder what the purple colour is on wind blight? There isn't a wind element, but it's not malice either. Maybe it'll get explained.

But UGH IT'S SUCH AN INSANELY AWESOME GAME!!! I've already clocked 50 hours easy, and I'm only on chapter six! It's just POW and WHAM and KABLOOIE! Each chapter makes me go OH MY GOSH SUPERB YOU FUNKY LITTLE CHARACTER and clutch my heart like a fainting Victorian maiden seeing a modern shirtless male model XD. Each time there's an amazing plot twist and I'm. Like

W H A T.!???!!!

I actually have the og hyrule warriors, so it's really good to see how far they've come since! More input from Nintendo has done WONDERS with their characters and setting lol. But the moves are creative, the maps are easier to work with, the camera angles aren't nearly so bad! I keep being surprised by the unexpectedly good graphics on such an old ds game, but that's neither here nor there. The fusing system is a million times easier in aoc, too, but it still took me a while to get the hang of it.

IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY BUT SOMEHOW READ ALL THIS, TLDR GET THE GAME

[honeymilkk00]

Haikyuu Boys: You Flinch

Pt 2

@silver-argent​ :  Hii! I super looooove the way you wrote Haikyuu Boys: You flinch, perfect amount of angst to fluff! Are you taking requests? If you are, will you please do a Sakusa and Kenma? the you flinch. It's okay if you don't tho! I'll still look forward to your works!❤❤

tysm for the encouraging words!! my requests are open and im more than happy to do Sakusa and Kenma jewbjkew. i hope you enjoy. i'm literally so tired and just wanted to finally get this out <3

characters:

-sakusa

-kenma

___________________________

Sakusa

Dating Sakusa was the last thing you ever thought would happen to you. He filled your days and nights with such love and passion. You had broken through his stoic and cold shell and had seen him for who he truly was deep inside- a loving partner through and through.

Of course, old habits die hard. Since he had spent years of his life being a reserved person, only putting up with his family and teammates, he still was very hesitant when it came to affection. Sometimes all he wanted to do was to be alone with his thoughts and nothing else. It hurt to see him like that, knowing that no matter what, you couldn’t help him, but you understood and gave him the time he needed.

Five months into yours and his relationship had lead to a few disputes, but nothing too serious. He was a prideful, headstrong man which lead to you having to bite your tongue during arguments and keep your snarky words to yourself, refusing to let them slip off the tip of your tongue. If they did, the argument would escalate. 

You loved Sakusa for everything he was, bad parts and good, but sometimes he was too much. 

And, that’s how you were here, biting your lip harshly as you stare at him, refusing to let your anger get the best of you. 

Sakusa had been coming home quite late due to volleyball practise, but it got to the stage where you were scared that he was doing to overwork himself and injure himself. Instead of letting it slide, you confronted him about it and suggested that he should take some time to let his body heal from the strenuous training regimen that he was doing. It seemed that Sakusa wasn’t in the best of moods and had snapped at you, shooting abhorrent words towards you as if you were nothing but a pile of shit, accusing you of restricting him from reaching his full potential and trying to turn him away from volleyball because you were too clingy for his liking. 

“Fucking hell (Y/N), you’re so fucking clingy! Just because you’re an attention whore and want me to worship you doesn’t mean you can try and take me away from what I love doing. You’re so fucking obsessive it’s driving me crazy!” Sakusa bellowed and clenched his hands together, his nails digging into his hands. 

Taking a deep breath to keep yourself as calm as possible, you spoke in a soft tone, “Omi, I’m not trying to keep you from anything. I just think you should rest your body before you overwork yourself and become ill or injure yourself. I know you want to improve but that can happen gradually over time. I doesn’t need to happen all at once.” You murmured and gently placed a hand on his, trying to reassure him.

Letting out a deep, angered growl, Sakusa pulled away from your grip harshly and pushed your hand away, “don’t fucking touch me! You’re fucking disgusting! All you do is hold me down and try and control my life, you obsessive pest!” He hollered out.

His words ripped open your chest and stabbed you in the heart repeatedly. You felt like you were choking on your own heartbeat. It hurt knowing that your lover found you disgusting. A strong feeling of rage surged through your veins. “How fucking dare you, Sakusa! I’ve done nothing but tried to help you and all you do is treat me like shit. Every time we argue I have to bite my tongue because I know that if I retaliate, you’ll just get even more angry. I can’t express how I feel to you anymore and I feel as if I don’t matter in this relationship. If you want to overwork yourself and injure yourself then fine, go ahead, but don’t blame me for saying I told you so after it’s happened!”

His eyes narrowing at your words, Sakusa swiftly turned to glare at you and raised his fist, poking your chest aggressively, “Fine, I will then because I’m not letting you control me anym-” He paused mid sentence, his eyes widening when he noticed you flinching when he raised his hand. Slowly, he lowered his hand and dropped them at his sides. Your shaking figure made his heart clench painfully tight. “(Y/N) I-”

“I can’t do this anymore, Sakusa.” You voice whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear. Tears rolled down your cheeks and you sniffled quietly. “I can’t handle this pain anymore. I can’t handle feeling like I’m walking on egg shells with you. I can’t handle being afraid of how you’ll react when I speak about how I feel. I just can’t do this anymore.” You voice got quieter and quieter the more you spoke. Looking up at Sakusa, you swallowed thickly. “I can’t do us anymore.” 

Sakusa was frozen, watching you carefully. It was deathly silent. The only sound he could hear was the sound of his heartbeat beating rapidly. 

“I’ll pick up my things tomorrow. I’m going to stay at Atsumu’s for the night.” You whispered and turned away, heading towards the front door. 

A small, almost whine-like noise left Kiyoomi’s mouth. He reached out and clasped your hand gently, tears forming in the corner’s of his eyes. “Please.” He begged quietly.

Looking back at the man you loved, your heart shattered into small pieces when you noticed his dampened eyes. Never had you seen him cry before. “What is it?” You asked quietly, biting the inside of your cheek.

Sakusa pulled you in tightly for a hug and pressed his lips against your cheek gently. “Please don’t leave. Please please please… I’m so so sorry (Y/N).. I didn’t mean anything I said. I love you and I’m grateful for everything you do for me. I’ve just had a really bad day. Please I love you. Please don’t leave. You’re my baby... “ He pleaded softly and held you tightly, as if afraid that you’d disappear if he let go. 

Letting out a sigh, you caved in. You were still mad at him but at the end of the day, you loved Kiyoomi more than anything else. You would give up everything for his happiness. “Kiyoomi...” You whispered softly and then turned around so you were face to face with him. Gently cupping his cheeks, you sighed, “I love you so so much Kiyoomi... But you can’t say stuff like that to me even if you’ve had a bad day. You really really hurt me even though I was just trying to look out for you.” You explained and frowned softly, kissing his tears that resided in the corner of his eyes. 

Pressing his lips softly against your hands that rested on his face, he let out a shaky breath that he didn’t realise he was holding, “I know... I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. I promise I’ll do better..” He whispered gently and pressed his nose into your hair lovingly. “I love you so much...”

Leaning in closer to Sakusa, you inhaled his scent, “I love you too, Omi..”

He never wanted to see you flinch like that again.

________________________

Kenma

Kenma was an erudite genius when it came to the art of strategy. His deep understanding of the game and the unspoken pledge to win is what drove him forward and kept him reaching, grasping, clutching for new strategic idea that would leave his opponents breathless.

For days, maybe even weeks, on end, Kenma would be researching, training, and repeating the process until he felt confident in his methodology that would be used in a game. Thus, led to a breakdown. After weeks of undereating, lack of sleep, training beyond his physical capabilities, and his mental strain thinking of ways to defeat the opposing team, Kenma was at his wits’ end. 

As his partner, you immediately noticed the changes in his personality. Of course, concern was your initial reaction and you were somewhat frightened of irritating him more, but you knew you had to confront him about his lack of self care. Seeing him train during lunch and falling asleep in lessons led you to realise how hard he was working himself. 

So, after school you managed to pull him to one side before he proceeded to train at the club. A frown was present on your lips and you took a deep breath. Looking at him now hurt a lot: his eyebags had considerably increased since the last time you saw him; you could now see physically where he had lost weight from undereating for weeks; his eyes seemed a lot duller; his body slouched over slightly, as if it was begging for a break. It was agony to see your partner slowly harm his body and mind like this.

"Kenma, just know I love you so much and I understand that volleyball means a lot to you right now since it's your final year with your team as you know it with Kuroo as captain, but look at yourself. You're not taking care of yourself at all. You aren't helping you or your teammates by undereating and not sleeeping." You murmured gently, taking Kenma's hands in your own. You knew that you had to be careful and not push your boyfriend, but you couldn't let it continue.

Kenma simply frowned at your words and pulled his hand away from yours, "(Y/N), I don't need your lecturing. I'm perfectly fine taking care of myself. I don't need you." He hissed out and turned his back on you, proceeding to head to practise. He had no time to waste on pointless conversations.

(Y/N) grinded their teeth together, their heart aching slightly at the harsh words, "I'm not lecturing you, Kenma! I'm doing what a s/o should do and I'm looking out for you! Please just take a small break before you overdo it!" You hallooed, as if that would make the words sink in.

Vexed, Kenma turned around with a deep scowl on his face, "Why don't you just back off, (Y/N)!? I don't care about you right now, all I care about is me and my teammates winning this game!" He shrieked, which caused you to trip back and swallow thickly.

A small whimper escape your lips and tears formed in the corners of your eyes as you flinched. You were normally fine with Kenma's salty attitude, but he never usually shouted at you. Taking a shaky breath, you looked at your boyfriend dead in the eyes, "fine! Do what you want to do! Since you don't care about me I won't bother anymore! Don't you fucking dare come running to me when you overwork yourself and can't handle it anymore!" You retorted and turned away.

Kenma's eyes widened slightly at your words as he watched you turn away. "Wait...." He whispered out, his hand reaching towards yours. Lightly, he grasped your wrist and sighed, pulling you close and burying his head in your shoulder. "'M sorry... I'm just so stressed..." Tears brimmed his eyes and he sniffled softly. "I didn't mean it..."

Letting out a soft sigh, your shoulders relaxed and you pulled your lover in for a cuddle. "I know you didn't mean it baby... But remember your health comes first, volleyball after." You whispered and gently stroked his hair. He simply nodded in response and hugged you tighter.

Maybe you both could work things out. You just need to learn to communicate more.

#haikyu #haikyuu #haikyuu angst #haikyu x reader #haikyuu x reader #angst #sakusa angst #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa x you #kenma #kenma angst #haikyuu kenma #kenma kozume #angst to fluff #haikyuu comfort #requestsopen

[eggluttony]

so now that I can bear to bring myself look at my two most recent fics after they flopped (I don't think it's badly written and I was actually proud but it just doesn't suit anyone's taste but mine apparently lol) I'm sad people aren't gonna see this stuff if they don't like general ns4w so here are some out of context snippets of the fetish type stuff in it like Casino Boom body comparisons and Casino Egg's appreciation of Boom Egg's muscle without the sex for this blog because of course I found a way to sneak it in there:

When Casino Eggman let his belly flop back down, it hid even more of his cock than he remembered. His belly and the soft tits that rested on top of them definitely didn't look as big as this before.

"You've gotten bigger since I last saw you naked." Boom Eggman was sure to point out, as he knew his big bear of a man would only take it as a compliment.

"Thanks to you and your delightful cooking! But you know how much I appreciate all the wonderful meals and treats you've been giving me. Can't help it when I just can't get enough." Casino Eggman patted his soft tummy and chuckled.

"I'm glad you enjoy it so much. And you're looking so sexy from the results!"

"I know! And so are you, sweetheart! It's not just the food you make that I can't get enough of."

"You're too sweet." Boom Eggman blushed hard at how special he made him feel.

"So surely we both deserve a little treat now. You got me naked so come on now baby, get up and strip for me!" Casino Eggman demanded with a big excited grin on his face.

Boom Eggman did as he was told and jumped off the bed to stand before him at the side. He looked a little bashful with the small smile on his face and the way he looked down as he started to unbutton his jacket.

"Look at me, darling. Don't be shy, you know how excited I am for this. Show me how proud you are of your progress like you should be and flaunt it!"

His boyfriend's encouraging words made him gather the confidence to look him in the eyes as he removed his jacket and pulled down his pants. He removed his undershirt last because he knew that was Casino Eggman's favorite part and he loved how he could see that the anticipation was killing him as he squirmed in his seat.

When his shirt dropped to the floor and revealed his tight abs and flat stomach, Casino Eggman's jaw dropped too at the sight of his almost fully naked body as he was in nothing but his underwear. A huge gasp escaped him. "Wow... You're so GORGEOUS!" He blurted out, shocked by the very pleasing effects his recent workouts had on his body.

He hadn't seen him fully naked for a while but he'd remembered it well as he fantasized about him every night. But it had gotten even better since, the difference between then and now was amazing. He then understood why he hadn't been letting him see it for a while, he had been keeping it as a surprise. And damn, was it a great one.

It stole the breath out of his lungs, his heart was racing and thumping hard against his chest, and he felt woozy and dizzy as he began to sweat and overheat despite being fully naked. He felt like he was about to pass out for a moment. It was a good thing he was sitting on the bed, he was sure he'd be so weak at the knees that he would've fallen over if he were standing!

With that response, every ounce of shyness completely left Boom Eggman as a smug and confident smile appeared on his face. Casino Eggman had seen many naked bodies in his lifetime but none of those men could get a reaction like this out of him, this was special. It gave Boom Eggman a lot of pride to know he was the best.

"What do you want me to do now, handsome?" He raised a brow knowingly, standing with his hands on his small waist.

"Oh, you know what I want now. Flex and show me those muscles." Casino Eggman uttered his favorite command through a wildly excited smile.

With that, he tensed his arms to show off his biceps. First, he brought them both to his font in level with his stomach, then showed them off one at a time as he raised them left and right and looked at them proudly, then brought them up high together at the front. They bulged bigger than before, the lifting was starting to pay off. Casino Eggman giggled and clapped his hands, he was so impressed and felt so lucky to get this private show.

He tightened his chest to show how much bigger his abs had gotten, they stuck out so nicely and looked so round and firm. He sucked in to show off his flat stomach and a small waist that had slimmed down wonderfully. Then he turned around to show off his back and Casino Eggman's eyes ran down the upper back muscles, down to his small waist, then to his cute little butt that looked so inviting. He let out a comical wolf whistle.

He stood up as straight and tall as he could in these strong proud poses for him that accentuated the perfect shape of his body and muscles nicely from all angles. Casino Eggman's eyes darted all over his body and he licked his lips hungrily. He loved how the muscles bulged with his flexes and rippled with movement. He drooled at the pleasing development, his muscles were becoming so perfectly defined.

"Now come over here and sit in my lap, you gorgeous bastard." He beckoned him over with his finger.

Boom Eggman climbed back onto the bed and sat between his legs, pressing his smaller and firmer body against his bigger and softer one. He removed his own glasses now that he was close enough to see him, then grabbed him tightly and kissed him desperately. He rubbed his abs and stomach and ran his hands down his back, sucking in deep shaky breaths.

"Fuck, I love this small and tight body so much! You're so sexy..." He huffed against his face between the open-mouth kisses.

Boom Eggman smirked and began to unexpectedly tense his muscles up again in the middle of it. Feeling them tighten and bulge right under his palms drove Casino Eggman crazy as he hoped, he groaned deeply as intense pleasure rushed through him and his cock twitched and throbbed harder.

"You're really loving this, aren't you?" Pleasant surprise and amusement were on Boom Eggman's face as he admired the desperate horny mess that he could reduce this man to. In public, he was a confident heartthrob that made all the other boys drool but in private, Boom Eggman had a power over him that nobody could've imagined as he got him dribbling and trembling at the sight of him.

"Ohhh YES I am, baby! You're so sexy, I just can't control myself! You really turn me on..."

He was fascinated by every feature of his body, its shape and sharp contours enticing him. He moved in even closer for a better look, his breaths grew heavier, and dribble trickled down his chin, showing that he was literally salivating from the intense arousal his body could awaken in him.

"I can tell, you're about to slobber all over me like that!"

"Heheh sorry darling, you know how excited you make me. You're seriously stunning."

He wiped his mouth and leaned in for another kiss. The desperation that swelled up inside of him made it deepen quickly as they pushed hard against each other's bodies to be as close to each other as possible, trembling against Boom Eggman's tight body as it sank into his softness. He soon slipped his big tongue in again and gripped onto him tighter so he ran his hands all over him.

His large warm hands with pink polished nails and golden and purple gem rings rubbed his abs and flat stomach, then made their way to his back before sliding down to grope his little smooth tight butt. When he felt up Boom Eggman's hard abs, his soft tits were grabbed and jiggled in return. When he ran his hands across his flat stomach, his big soft belly was rubbed. When he grabbed his smaller ass, his big fat one was squeezed.

They were both swallowing each other's muffled moans into their throats again as they made out and groped each other roughly and passionately. Their vast differences were so sexy to both of them, they couldn't get enough of each other's bodies that they were so deeply fascinated with. Casino Eggman tried to grind himself against him but his big belly got between them and his cock and Boom Eggman found it adorable.

"Ohh, I'm mad about you~" Casino Eggman sighed in delight when they broke the kiss for air. "Do you have any idea how many people wish they could be you or be with you with a body like yours? And yet, you're all mine tonight... I'm a very lucky man~"

------------------------

"But first... I'm not done admiring this sexy body."

He wanted to continue to loosen him up and get him even more excited first. And he just wanted more of a chance to admire his fit toned body that was finally fully naked in front of him, all his to explore at last. He'd been waiting so long and he was going to be sure to make the most of it.

He leaned forward so his chin was resting on his shoulder and began to kiss his neck slowly. Boom Eggman tilted his head back and closed his eyes, his lips felt so good on the sensitive skin. "You're sooo handsome~" He purred between kisses and made Boom Eggman giggle.

"May I suck it?" He made sure to ask for his permission.

"Go ahead."

He pressed his tongue against the skin to apply pressure and began to suck. A soft moan escaped Boom Eggman as he sucked until he made a couple of marks on his skin. They were pretty big because of the size of his mouth.

"Aahhh... That hurt in a surprisingly good way." Boom Eggman sighed when he finished with one last soft kiss on the neck.

"Sorry darling, I didn't want it to hurt too much but I needed to leave my mark to remember this special night."

Casino Eggman then lay him down on his back and took position over him. His big soft belly pressed down on him as he leaned in. He moved to his broad chest which had been looking stronger and more defined lately. He'd always been into fit muscular guys that were so different from himself and he found it so hot to see the progress of his boyfriend becoming one.

"Now I need to give these gorgeous abs my love~"

He moved in to plant kisses along his firm chest and Boom Eggman squirmed from the pleasure. He felt great pride from the appreciation he gave them, it was even more worth it if it had made him even more desirable to him. Casino Eggman nipped and sucked at his collar bone here and there as he moved along too, leaving some more marks of his passionate love.

He heard Boom Eggman gasp as his tongue met his right nipple. He briefly paused to look up and ask him. "Can I?"

"Sure..."

His hot wet tongue came out again to lick them, swirling it around his nipples and kissing and sucking one, while rubbing the other with his hand and pinching and pulling the nipple so they both got attention at once. Boom Eggman closed his eyes and sighed at how great it felt. He slid his tongue down the middle before moving on to put the next in his mouth.

"Oohhh... You really know how to give them love." Boom Eggman smiled, woozy from the pleasure.

"Because they deserve it!"

He then moved down even lower and chuckled as he stroked Boom Eggman's stomach.

"Goodness, look at how flat this stomach is! You could stand a drink on it when you're lying back like this! Meanwhile, mine is like a... big pillow."

"Hey, you know I love yours too."

"I'm glad, baby. Now let me show you how much I love yours!"

Boom Eggman giggled and squirmed some more as he showered his stomach in kisses and his fluffy mustache brushed against more sensitive skin.

"Is your tummy ticklish too?" Casino Eggman raised a brow at his adorable reaction.

"Just a little bit."

"Aww, so cute~" He cooed as he pressed a few more tender kisses to those most sensitive spots.

His kisses moved lower until he was pressing his lips to his small slim waistline, teasingly kissing just above the area that was desperately aching for his attention to make him shiver.

---------------------

and then this was just cute cuddly stuff but god I'd love to sleep and wake up in Boom's position:

He found that Casino Eggman was ready and eager for a cuddle much sooner than modern Eggman usually was after sex. He happily snuggled up to him and lay against his hairy squishy chest and tummy. He was so soft and cozy like a teddy bear, a living one that could hug back and give him sweet kisses.

A few minutes later, Casino Eggman spoke up. "I'm craving a smoke as usual, but-"

"You can go out for a break if you want." Boom Eggman was a little disappointed at the idea of him breaking their warm cozy embrace but understood it was something he needed to do.

"No, I don't wanna part with you so I'm gonna stay here and keep cuddling with you instead!" They were so comfy and relaxed in each other's arms, there was no way he was going to get up and ruin it.

"What, am I singlehandedly ending your habit?" Boom Eggman chuckled, clearly unconvinced but amused.

"Ehehehe, not a chance. I'm just developing another addiction... to you!"

Turns out, the only reason he'd brought it up was to prove to him that he could choose him over his habit and turn it into another flirt. Though he was still looking forward to his next cigar in the morning.

"Hehe stop, you're being too sweet." Boom Eggman giggled as he snuggled into his soft chest, delighted and relieved that he wasn't going to leave his side any time soon.

"Cause you deserve it." Casino Eggman leaned in to kiss his forehead.

"I love you so much." Boom Eggman whispered as he closed his eyes, feeling very sleepy now.

"I love you too, sweetheart." Casino Eggman smiled dreamily as his words made his heart flutter.

With that, they cuddled up closely with their arms wrapped securely around each other and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

"Good morning, handsome."

"Morning, sugar." Casino Egg smiled warmly, delighted by the compliment and joy of waking up to his beloved boyfriend after their very special night. He was overjoyed to wake up to find it wasn't just another dream, it had finally happened for real. He'd waited so long for this and it had been worth it.

Boom Eggman was pulled in closer for a hug, so his face was buried into his chest. Having his boyfriend's beautiful big soft tits in his face first thing in the morning was wonderful. He gave them a few kisses that made him giggle. When he came back up to his face from his chest, they connected lips for a big sweet kiss.

"You sleep well?"

"Yeah but I don't know how I stayed asleep without earplugs when you're such a loud snorer." He'd woken up a few minutes before him and was surprised by the way his snorting was even louder than modern Eggman's.

"Heheh, that's 'cause I was so good that I put you out like a light." Casino Eggman smirked, feeling proud of himself. "So how's my cute little strawberry bonbon feeling this morning?"

--------------------

and then here's the bit from the separate shower fic:

He was excited to keep moving his hands down lower and lower. He rubbed his chest for longer than needed, really slathering it up with soap round and round on both sides so he could get a full feel for his abs. They were firm and smooth and his chest felt so hard. He knew it must mean those chest muscles were getting stronger and his cock twitched at the thought and feel.

“Ohh baby, you’re so sexy~” He whispered between a couple more kisses as he rubbed the soap into his underarms and then slowly ran his hands down his sides from there, loving his slim and sleek figure.

He spent a generous amount of time on his arms too, grinning as he felt up his biceps that had gradually been taking form lately. His whole body had become more toned and he was loving the progress.

“Go on then! Flex 'em for me, hot stuff.”

Boom Eggman did as he was told and Casino Eggman’s eyes widened at the way his biceps bulged. They really had been developing well after his recent workouts and the results were so arousing, he couldn’t wait for him to improve them even more. He kept the muscles tense so he could feel them up and he was ecstatic, giggling with glee. He was so enamored by his beauty and delighted to be lucky enough to get him all to himself and touch him all over. So many people would be jealous if they knew!

He then ran his hands over his flat tight stomach and stuck his finger in the navel. It had no pudgy fat or jiggle to it at all, very unlike his own and that’s what he loved about it. He loved how his hands could meet around his small waist too, that wouldn’t be possible in a million years with his own.

“Rrrggh, this gorgeous body is so nice and tight~” He playfully growled into his neck and pressed another kiss to his cheek.

“And yours is so soft!” Boom Eggman giggled as he reached out and grabbed his big belly to jiggle it and emphasize his point. He’d rubbed lots more soap into his hands and immediately started working on washing his for him in return. It was the softest and squishiest part of him of all.

Casino Eggman sighed from the delight of having soap rubbed over his big hairy belly and chest, it was a wonderful sensation. He loved it when his belly button was fingered and his tits were squeezed and played with too, which Boom couldn’t resist doing. He was glad his boyfriend enjoyed playing with his tits as much as he loved feeling his abs. He also ran his hands down his sides to feel how round he was and loved caressing the softness.

They were drastic opposites physically but found each other’s shape perfect in every way. They just couldn’t get enough of each other’s bodies that they wanted to praise and worship endlessly. They found each other so handsome and irresistible and were always eager to explore each other and give all the affection and praise they craved and for that, they were the perfect match.

-------------------

see I did write cute stuff and fetishy stuff in it to add to the fun and I hope at least that was enjoyable!!! 💜

and yes, I will resume work on my next actual fetish focused fic to post but I just need to fully recover from my killed motivation first lol

#fics #casino au #boom #casino au x boom

[lia-bones]

A thousand splinters of glass

Sirius Balck x Reader

Summary: (Y/N) boyfriend Sirius intrudes too much into her friendship with Remus. When he confronts her with his thoughts, they start fighting.

Warning: angst, Language (defilement and swearing), consumption of alcohol, Hint of violence ... I gess.

(Misspelling, Grammar errors, translation errors.)

Words: 2520

Author note: It was super hard for me to write Sirius like that. But it was a friend's wish and I'm fulfilling it.

(English is not my main language. I apologize for all misspellings, grammar errors, and translation errors💕)

Enjoy Reading 🌻

(not my GIF)

* * *

(Y/N) enter the great hall and take a seat at the Gryffindor table next to her boyfriend Sirius. She looks at her group of friends and still tired, wished them good morning.

"Good morning dear, how did you sleep?" asked the boy next to her after he put a kiss on her temple.

"Oh, very well, unfortunately too short." she replied with a tired smile and put a spoonful of scrambled eggs in her mouth.

"Remus, do you want to do our Arithmancy homework in free period?" she turned to the others Marauder who sat across from her at the table. Remus smiled at her and replied, "Yes, of course. After lunch in the library?"

"Call it a date." (Y/N) winked and went back to her scrambled eggs.

"Hey, I thought I was your boyfriend? What about me?" Sirius grumbled beside her and looked at her confused. She waves it away with a laugh :"You are, but that doesn't mean I can't do homework with a friend. You don't have a free period after lunch you have Divination."

Sirius mumbles something unintelligible but said nothing else. The friends all eat their breakfast and talk about this and that, before they all went to class.

* * *

After noon Remus and (Y/N) met in the library and started their Arithmancy homework. After some time of writing, Remus contacted her and said :"You know, I'm glad you're with Sirius now. You're doing him good." The girl smiled at him and answered :"He's doing me good too. I've got the feeling since I've been with him I've been a lot more confident.I am very happy to have him as my Boyfriend. And of course I'm also happy to have you guys as my friends. I couldn't think of anyone better."

"We're glad to have you too. Finally I'm not the only one holding the boys back." Remus laughed and pulled her into a half-hug with one arm. "yeh somebody has to bring you rule breakers to your senses."

"But I'm really serious (Y/N). Since you've been together he's a lot more relaxed and you make him think before he acts. At least sometimes." Remus told her seriously again.

"I don't want to tell him anything. I like him the way he is. I think sometimes he just needs someone to get him to think again about his ideas before acting. There is no way I want something like the incident in fifth year to happen again." (Y/N) said in a husky voice, put an arm around Remus' shoulders and gave him a short squeeze .

"No, nobody wants that." the boy whispered back and squeezed her once too.

It became quiet and the two pondered their memories of this terrible event for a moment, before they broke the embrace again and continued on with their essays in silent agreement.

* * *

After the last class of the day, (Y/N) and Remus sat in the common room and waited for their other friends.

"What do you think of the book? Have you read it yet? " she asked Moony and with a nod of her head pointed to the book she was reading. Remus put a hand on her shoulder and leaned forward to look at the book. "No but i want..." he is just beginning to speak when the portrait opened and the remaining three Marauders entered the room. " 'e, You two, here you are. What are you doing here?We were looking for you." James called to them and slumped into one of the armchairs. "We just talked, nothing interesting. We have been waiting for you. " declared (Y/N) while she closed her book and placed it on the side table next to her. The boys nodded and Sirius placed a kiss on the (Y/N) head.

Due to the lack of space on the sofa, Sirius sat in the other armchair, instead of next to his girlfriend and Peter sat on the floor between him and James.

The friends talked about everything and nothing for a while and soon landed on James' favorite topic: Lilli Evans

"I mean. She is so perfect. She is beautiful and smart and quick-witted and helpful and friendly. What more could a man want?" enthused James with a dreamy face.

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife'." Quoted Remus softly which made (Y/N) giggle so much that she put her hands over her face and rested her head on his shoulder.

Sirius watched with a raised eyebrow and asked :"What's so funny?"

The girl sat up straight again and wiped her hands over her eyes before answering :"oh Remus just quoted pride and prejudice. You won't know it, it's a fantastic Muggel book."

"Oh, but Moony know this fantastic book?" Sirius asked in a voice tarnished with sarcasm. His friends' eyes fixed on him and (Y/N) briefly shook head in confusion before she answered :"Well, Yes. It's a muggle book. He's half blood. And he reads more than any of us put together."

"My mother gave me the book a few years ago." Remus quietly brought himself into the discussion.

Sirius clicked his tongue and got up from his seat he took a few steps before stopping in front of his girlfriend and saying dryly:" Yeah yeah the perfect perfect Moony.

I understood. We need to talk. Alone." He pointed a finger at the stairs that led to the dormitories. (Y/N) looked up at him from her sitting position, knitted her eyebrows briefly in confusion, then nodded got up and followed him up the stairs.

When she arrived in the boys dormitory, she closed the door behind her and stood in the middle of the room. She watched Sirus go to a cupboard and take out a Bottle of firewhiskey and a glass. He poured himself some and took a sip while staring at her over the rim of his glass. The silence in the room was heavy and thick and the air to cut. Sirius cautiously let (Y/N) play with her fingers nervously. It was not customary for him to be so quiet and well, serious. The last time he acted like this, he had just received a letter from his mother.

Since he still didn't say anything, just looked at her with a serious face, she decided to break the silence in the room. "So what did you want to talk about? "

"You. And what you're pulling off right now." he explained in a low voice.

"Sorry but, I don't know what you're talking about." she said in a calm voice.

That just seemed to upset Sirus more, because now his voice was a lot louder :" Oh don't tell shit. Do you really think I'm so stupid and don't know what crap is going on?" He finished his glass in one gulp and poured himself more.

(Y/N) also got louder now and energetically crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"I already told you I don't know what you mean. What have I done?"

"YOU CHEAT ME YOU FUCKING Slut!" he yelled at her and pointed in her direction with his free hand.

(Y/N) opened her mouth and for a moment. She couldn't believe what she had just heard. Had he just really accused her of cheating on him and had he called her a Slut?

"WHAT HAVE I DONE? I am supposed to have betrayed you? How do you get the stupid idea?" she asked and made a wide movement with her arms. As if she wanted to chase the tension out of the air.

"Don't be so ridiculous. I noticed it myself. You haven't really bothered to hide it. You and a your loverboy." Sirus spat and glared at her. This whole conversation was very confusing (Y/N). She had no idea how he came up with it. It deceived her that he really thought she would do something like that, but at the same time it made her terribly angry.

"If someone here is ridiculous then is you. You are imagining things that don't exist. How can you think that? Who should I cheat on you with, please?" seh shodet back, on her face, spots of deep red anger were slowly forming. Frustrated, she ran a hand through her (y/h/c) hair.

The one across from her growled, clenched his jaw and again emptied his glass, which he immediately refilled.

"With your oh-so-perfect Moony. I see how you behave towards the other. It's stupid of you guys to think that I wouldn't notice. Are you serious. With one of my best friends? But what should I have expected from a slut like you. I wouldn't be surprised if you slept your way through the whole school." he laughed bitterly and screwed up his face.

(Y/N) didn't know what to say for a moment. For a few seconds, she started at Sirius with wide eyes before she said in a lowered voice :" This not true."

"OF COURSE IT IS. DO NOT LIE TO ME. THE WHOLE LAUGHING AND HUGGING AND ALL THE LOOKS IN LOVE.

OH, REMUS ARE WE BOTH LEARNING IN THE LIBRARY TODAY? OH REMUS YOU ARE SO FUNNY. REMUS IS SO SMART, HE READS SO MUCH. BLA BLA BAL." Sirius spoke in a high voice, trying to imitate her. (Y/N) shook her head in frustration. She had tears in her eyes but she didn't allow herself to cry now. Sirius got on with things that didn't exist and she wanted to make that clear to him. "That's not true. Remus and I are just friends! We study together because we're both in Arithmancy. And since when is it forbidden to laugh when someone says something funny? And we don't touch each other all the time. You see things that not there!"

"YES OF COURSE. AND I SHOULD BELIEVE THAT?" Sirius yelled at her and swung the now almost empty bottle firewhiskey through the air.

"Sirius please ..." she was about to start, but was immediately interrupted by him.

"SIRIUS PLEASE. SAVE YOUR WORDS. I should have known that it was stupid to sacrifice my single life for you. I could have had fun with other girls all the time, but no, I was with you. While you chedit on me behind my back. You dirty whore."

(Y/N) eyes got waterier and more watery during his monologue. She bit her tongue so hard that she could already taste blood and she clenched her trembling hands into fists, her nails digging in her palms.

"...Y...you...you now...i...i woud never..." She didn't get very far with her words, it all happens very quickly. Sirius took a step forward, she took a few steps back, bumped her back against the wall and and shut her eyes tightly. A split second later, Sirius 'glass flew across the room and struck the wall just inches from (Y/N)' s head.

"SHUT UP! YOU FUCKING CHEATER BITCH. SHUT UP!"

There was a crash and glass splinter hit the ground like raindrops.

Silence spread across the room and the two started at each other, eyes wide open. The remainder of the firewhiskey, flowed over the floor and watering (Y/N) socks. She took a deep breath and suppressed a scream. Her legs trembled and it took all her strength not to sink to the ground.

Sirius had tears streaming down his red cheeks and he pulled his black hair.

"No ... no ... I ... I swear ... (Y/N) I didn't mean to..." he began to stammer. He took his hands out of his hair and wanted to reach for her.

Slowly he took a few small steps in her direction. Arms outstretched as if to hug her.

(Y/N) shook his head vigorously, bit her lower lip and pressed herself even tighter against the wall.

Sirius stopped at the sight of her and stared at her desperately.

"No, stop it. Just leave it." she whispered in a husky voice and walked along the wall to the door, not taking her eyes off him for a second. With one hand behind your back she looked for the door handle, he followed her movements with his eyes. "No (Y/N) please, please don't go. Let's talk, I'm sorry ... I ... I ..." he begged in a scratchy voice and stretched its arms out to the girl one more time.

"No. I think it's all said." (Y/N) shook her head and opened the door. The restrained tears stung in her eyes but she definitely didn't want to cry in front of him now.

She stumbled backwards out of the room, pulling the door with her.

"Bye Sirius." she whispered hoarsely before she closed the door. Muffled through the door, she hears him calling her name a couple of times, but she just turned on her heels and ran down the hall to the girl dorms.

She stopped at her own dormitory, yanked the door open, entered the room and slammed the door behind her with a loud crack. The room was dark and quiet, the air smelled of fresh linen and cinnamon. None of her roommates were there.

(Y/N) leaned against the closed door and put her hands over her face. A heartbreaking sob escaped her and she slid the door down to the floor.

Now sitting on the floor, she hugged her legs tightly against your chest and buried her head between her knees. Now that she was alone she started to cry. The tears wet her face and the noises that came over her lips sounded heartbreaking. She tasted the salt on her lips and felt her tears seep into her tights.

(Y/N) didn't understand how this could all happen. She hadn't betrayed him. She had nothing with Remus or anyone else.

Yesterday everything was fine, they were happy together, laughed together, and fooled around. Today everything went downhill they fight, they yelled at each other and he accused and insulted them. He had thrown a glass in their direction.

Otherwise Sirius made her heart beat faster, makes it jump in joy or stop beating for a few seconds in love. But now her heart felt more like it was made of a thousand sharp pieces of glass. Broken like the glass on the wall. Broken like their relationship due to a lack of trust from his side.

(Y/N) wanted nothing more than to hide under her blanket, cry and not get up for a long time.

But she felt too weak to get up and go to bed. So she sat on the floor and kept crying into her legs.

#sirius black x reader #sirius black #sirius x y/n #young sirius x reader #young sirius black #marauders era #remus lupin #sirius orion black #sirius imagine #young marauders #marauders fic #harry potter #hogwarts

[calamitys-child]

Dude congrats in getting called sir oh my goddd.

As another transman here, can I ask if you have any tips for coping as a pre-t transman. You always come across as very secure in your identity to me, and I'd love to feel so assured. And to be called sir lmao.

Iodl if you are on T or not but if you are then congrats!! I'm still waiting and it's kinda killing me a bit. I enjoy seeing your posts a lot though, it inspires me.

Thanks man!! I've been on T for just over 14 months - since December 4th 2020 - but my blood levels aren't right no matter the dosage I take, so it's not having quite the right effects on me, and I'm dealing with this whole fuckin Mess of a gender healthcare system trying to get myself switched to a different form of testosterone in the hopes that one agrees with my system a bit better. Basically I've gained a wee bit body hair and nothing else the gender clinic would look at has changed in the past year at all, which is how we know this form of T isn't working for me very well.

Honestly, I don't know what advice I'd give that's specific to being pre-T or frequently misgendered. I just sort of hit a point where I stopped letting other people define me. It helped that I moved away from home for a few years, for sure - I realised that actually, I am in control of my life, it's my life, and if other people don't want to respect my life they don't get to be part of it. I'm trying to accept that other people are mostly trying to look after themselves and their loved ones, and are just a bit ignorant and knee-jerk panicky in their ignorance. I get misgendered a lot and I try to just think of it in myself that they're just mistaken, not cruel. I pass maybe 20% of the time at best given what people say to me, but I use the gents 95% of the time, for example, and have generally found that people do not like to start arguments in the toilet. Maybe I'm just lucky there, though. I know there's some pubs I still go to an accessible toilet if I can, and I got more hate crimes in the ladies even pre-transition aged 15 than I ever have in the mens. Shit happens. I also, in fairness, am on two years worth of antidepressants and do not post a lot of the shit that pisses me off, like the days and days of "ask the lady" or "she said" for every "sir", so my tumblr is tempered by the fact that I've just generally got my brain chemistry and mental health under control a little better plus changed my boundaries for what I share online. Whether that affects my confidence in being trans or my confidence in being trans affects that is very much a chicken and egg situation, I really couldn't say which bit affects the other most.

Honestly, what I reckon it comes down to is that it's your life, and you know yourself better than anyone else does, and mostly, in the end, people don't really want to hurt one another. You'll get your hormones, and you'll get to a point where you're content in yourself. Perfect is an illusion. Very few people get to a point where they're completely delighted about their appearance, their presentation, etc - you don't need to be proud or happy in the sense of showing off or bringing attention to stuff - pride just means not ashamed, and happy means content, like "I'm happy with that" rather than "this is the happiest day of my life", yken?

You'll get there. You're gonna be happy with it. Fuck the gender waiting times man, that shit sucks. Love ya x

#trans stuff #transphobia mention #ask to tag