#i feel compassion for the impulse to feel like your old life is over and you need to grieve it... | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tiyoin · 19 days

Text

heartbeats to the drum

floyd x reader

sigh floyd being a softy for you and only you

sighhhhh floyd treating you like a glass flower one day and a stress toy the next. ofc he’s unconventional with his love, the slightest bit of worry fogging his mind as he wonders if you’ll leave because of his many quirks.

but that wasn’t always the case

he follows the beat of his own drum, not once stopping or changing it for anyone or anything. if they don’t like it- who cares! not their drum, go find another or whatever…. yet you followed him, followed his rhythm, danced to it sometimes. tripped and fell flat on your ass too, a a fleeting sense of satisfaction felt as he figured you’d had enough and would leave him be like all the other unimportant minnows.

but whenever he looked back, you were still there, a little further, but still following him… jade and azul were just as surprised as floyd when you kept following him. through his rough pounding of war drums, to the soft lonely pings of a bongo that suddenly switched to a war snare, then to a smooth jazz rhythm- he was unpredictable.

switching his styles, rhythms and interests on an impulsive whim. that was floyd. jade would follow sometimes too, though he created his own too. straying from floyd’s more often than not.

so one day, when floyd stopped drumming, stopped walking to do something he normally hate doing on a ‘bad day:2 (which was standing still.) he opted to listen for once. just once. expecting to hear the usual pitter patter of your feet, or the soft humming you’d usually let out, but there was nothing. nothing but silence and stillness around him.

a comet of a thought raced through the night sky of his mind. maybe he marched too fast, or went to far- he scoffs

‘finally,’ he thinks with a heavy mind ‘you got the hint that he wasn’t stopping or changing for no one. that you should just give. up. and go home.’

but like orpheus in the one tales of old in your world you would sometimes divulge him in. there’s a dying need to just turn around and look, to see if you were still following.

he shouldn’t though… he shouldn’t let his mind wonder and his heart pick up a pace. you reality that you weren’t there was already a preconceived notion in his mind. the inner workings of his soul not sensing yours. the voice in his head telling him he was free to march on without anyone bothering him.

yet… there was a feeling, and itch somewhere. he couldn’t place where that itch was and it pissed him off. was it inside or outside his human form? maybe it was his mer instincts taking over? the hunter in him subtly telling him to turn around? nah, that couldn’t be it, right? i mean logically, that would make sense, but… it couldn’t be…

floyd does what he wants when he wants. so he’ll look on his own chagrin thank you very much. yet, like slowly ripping off a bandaid, he turned his head.

he could almost howl in laughter.

because there you were, sitting down and playing with your hands. he couldn’t hear you cause you were taking a break, waiting for him to continue drumming so you could follow along, like how a whale calf would cling and follow their mother.

floyd was good with his emotions, he’d like to think- but anyone around him would disagree. but for him it was simple, if he was happy, he was happy, if he was sad, he was sad yadda yadda yah.

he sometimes couldn’t understand how people couldn’t feel like him or understand him, excluding jade and azul on numerous occasions. he was emotionally intelligent enough to realize that his mood swings weren’t convenient or conceived as normal behavior, especially to humans. that there was an irrational logic or a spring loose to the compass that dictated his life.

yet here you were, always right behind him, following him, almost clinging to him. like a barnacle. a pesky, useless barnacle…

his shadow blocked the light that was once illuminating your figure, looking up at him with a smile as he just stared down at you. his neutral, bored expression slowly churned and morphed into a boyish/ teenage expression someone your age would normally sport.

floyd would tell you that he held that neutral expression, that you were hallucinating when his neutral frown grew into a lazy grin or how his brows lifted into an almost, almost softer expression. no there wasn’t any crinkle in his nose either!! or in his eyes!!

but despite his protests and self proclaimed emotional maturity he’d talk to you about. sometimes, when our mind is too busy processing, our body’s will usually give away our intentions, our true thoughts that we aren’t aware of. a lot of the times, without our consent or knowledge.

you call it habitual responses while floyd calls it inconvenient lies.

but that doesn’t matter, because that day he handed you a triangle and a little metal stick along with it. helped you up, and continued marching.

idk where i was going with this, i wrote as i thought.

i’m gonna try to get better at symbolism because i love that style of writing. hehe

sorry if this is poo poo i wrote it in a combined 30 minutes, before and after therapy 🤷🏻

idk if it’s too short to put a ‘read more’ cut in, or not

#tiyoin 🔎#so uhhhh therapy therapied a littttle too hard today hahahaha #me yapping #twisted wonderland #twst #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #floyd leech x reader #floyd leech #floyd x reader #floyd leech twst

296 notes · View notes

witchy-v1xen · 1 month

Text

No , because I agree and disagree at the same time. Analyzing the trailers and posters.

What I agree with-

Both sides doing some fucked up shit.

Corlys not being a person who sucked (bro lowkey made it to the end until his execution , was just an ass kisser , and was trying to live his life by doing what was asked of him)

Both being highly hypocritical.

Blaming Viserys (no need to explain)

Blaming Daemon (He has good fathering qualities but , he's a walking red flag and the blood and cheese incident in my perspective was psychological warfare to a certain degree. I'll explain this in another post)

Blaming Rhaenyra (to a certain extent , yes!)

Blaming both sides to a certain extent (All the way because , they weren't thinking about how this could effect their children)

Yes viserys could of got a paramour to help cope with Aemma or find an AGE APPROPRIATE suitor for himself (Not some innocent 14 , 15 , 16 , or 17 year old girl who wants to be teen idle and enjoy her girlhood)

Yes , Viserys treated Alicent like a glorified mistress and the children did get treated second-class.

What I don't agree with-

Blaming Alicent entirely (she was maritally raped; she was married young into an unwanted relationship she could not refuse at the hands of her manipulative, mentally abusive father and King Viserys himself) I do, however, know she did things out of fear, and we can see that in the trailer, she's slowly reverting back to her childhood self, hence why she's looking at Rhaenyra in the posters. She still feels guilty over what happened twenty years ago, and it's sad. Rhaenyra, however, is just like, "Fuck you, I'm coming for your son, no if's or but's about it." I do believe she is to blame for her children's deaths (to a certain extent , not all the way because , remember we've got Daemon , Viserys , Rhaenyra , and Otto in the conflict as well.)

Blaming Aegon (Yes , I agree with blaming him for his personal mistakes. Him being put on the throne obviously wasn't his fault. Aegon is quite impulsive and it shows. As the abused becomes the abuser.(This is shown with how Otto treats Alicent and how Alicent is with Aegon when it comes to fulfilling his forced role as king. I honestly do hope we get a good character development with Aegon. I'd like to see a very serious side to him especially after the future incidents that'll take place besides blood and cheese.)

The Jaehaera hate club (Like the Blackcels need a moral compass. I don't understand why some of you have hate towards a girl who has nothing to do with what happened, though she saw events take place and they affected her. She also succumbs a fate familiar to her mother.)

When "He or she is nothing but a victim" card is pulled on characters who've done some deceitful and feisty shit. The only characters who get the green light to pull this card is Jaehaera , Laena Velaryon , Aemma Arryn , Aegon the third , Viserys the Second , Laenor Velaryon (He just wanted to be in peace and live his life. People that he did justice for did him dirty.) Maelor (Aegon II's second son) , Helaena , and Jaehaerys the second. (I would add Joffrey Velaryon onto this list but , I'm not sure.)

Alicent deserved what happened to her; she deserved better to some extent, and so did Rhaenyra. Rhaenyra, however, is wrong for blaming Alicent and having beef with her two-year-old son. Both made mistakes to some extent, and what can be rightfully defended can be rightfully defended with logic.

Viserys not being bashed. He paved the way for people with daddy issues , mommy issues , anger issues , Depression (different types) , sociopathic issues , and adhd (Aegon) to all go to war with each other. He failed his children and set them up. They all deserved better to some extent. It's an ongoing domino effect that happened with Aegon the conqueror, his two sister wives and their children , Aegon the unworthy and his illegitimate children who he legitimated upon his death. The dynasty got fucked over multiple times in history but the dance made the biggest permeable impact. Everyone's desires came at a cost and most did not take accountability. In conclusion, that is my analysis.

41 notes · View notes

stuckinapril · 5 months

Note

how do i deal with social anxiety?

disclaimer that social anxiety is a spectrum, it comes in very different forms, and there’s no one size fits all for how to deal with it. this is just the perspective of a 21 year old girl who’s trying to get by as much as anyone else. it’s perfectly fine if my way doesn’t align with yours; the goal is to ultimately find ways that do align.

with that said!! it helped a lot to realize that most people genuinely don’t care. this is the spotlight effect—you think that everyone’s laser-focused on what you’re doing, when in reality no one’s keeping this elaborate tally of when you embarrass yourself, of when you fail at something, of how you carry yourself in general. life is hard and busy for most people, and even if they do find amusement in something you did, it’s the equivalent of looking at a funny tiktok and scrolling past it ten seconds later. just like you, most people are tangled in their own little cobweb of problems.

this is not to say that people who do obsess over other people don’t exist. they absolutely do. but their opinion should be virtually worthless to you, bc no well-rounded, emotionally intelligent person is going to be spending their free time voyeuristically hating on somebody else’s every move. if they do have that kind of time, they’re probably miserable people without much going for them, and misery loves company. the best way to respond to them is just to starve them of the attention they’re trying to evoke from you.

i really wish someone would’ve told me this in high school, bc for me high school was the peak of that kind of behavior. teenagers have not been alive for that long, so i think the concept that other people have emotions that are just as complex, just as valid, just as deserving of compassion as theirs are is pretty hard for most of them to grasp. and hell, some of them even age into adults who never outgrow the “my feelings inherently have more value than yours” “everyone else is an npc” “my impulses must be validated first and foremost” mentality. it’s like yes, you should prioritize yourself at the end of the day, but sometimes there’s more nuance to it than that & that shouldn’t just be disregarded in favor of instantaneous comfort.

also very important to note!! please don’t be hard on yourself on days where you backslide. the halcyon standard of never being afflicted w anxiety does not exist. i try to bounce back from things pretty quickly, but even i have days where i feel like shit, days where i’m anxious about what other people think, days where i’m not courageous enough to do something, days where i cry in the shower etc etc. the calmest person you know has had them. they also just tend to be the kind of person who doesn’t disclose them, so you get this larger than life aura from them that makes you think you’re defective in comparison. i promise that is not the case. you are human and it’s okay not to be perfect. the key is to hold yourself accountable and to try to do better next time.

whether you’re dealing with teenagers who’re yet to mature, adults who refuse to mature, or just anyone who’s being hostile towards you without a sane cause to be, just know it has everything to do w them and nothing to do w you. it may seem like it does, but it really doesn’t. behavior like this is without fail a manifestation of other people’s insecurities, as opposed to an actual statement about your worth as a person. as long as you’re rooted in who you are, it will never matter how other people perceive you.

#i rly hope this helps anon 🧸💕 i love u so #ask

46 notes · View notes

shock · 2 years

Text

the topic of school gun violence is such a deep systemic issue and i can't lie and say there aren't some days I go to work at my school where I'm afraid something will happen. I have had to message my family to tell them I love them. I have sat in a locked room with children and planned for how ill get in the way if someone comes for them. The person you become when your kids in your school are threatened is a person you can't forget being, because you never forget how it feels to be ready to die any second to protect your kids.

Kids are really hurting right now. I work with middle schoolers. The last normal school year my 7th graders had was 4th grade. You transition into puberty and middle school from a screen, fearing for you life and watching your family die or get sick or lose jobs and housing and everything that makes life worth living...

you don't learn physical boundaries when you aren't on the playground learning real time how to treat people. You have an entire generation of kids that doesn't know the difference between playing and physical aggression. On a near daily basis I am teaching teenagers that they can kill their friends with the headlock they're putting them in, I'm seeing kids not know when to stop, there is no stopping, play fighting becomes real fighting because there is no other out except to finish it when you have no ability to self-regulate.

We had a circle of kids today talking about what the phrase "go touch some grass" meant to them. It's not a meme to kids this age. One of the kids said, "I didn't do anything. I was afraid to go outside. I thought I would get sick and die. I still get scared." Theu didn't see their closest friends for over 2 years. Social workers, counselors, teachers, childhood friends, no one was able to reach them for years. They didn't have cameras on, zoom is a trigger for kids, it's nothing like an online uni class, it's a graveyard.

You leave everything behind in 4th grade and spend the next three years of your life changing dramatically and seeing that change in everyone else from a screen. You can block anyone, you can ignore everything, you become numb to consequences that lead to better behavior and compassion we take for granted. Conflict resolution looks like blocking and never having to address it. These kids cannot fathom resolving a conflict with words. They can't even describe what emotions they're feeling, but they can feel the soul-deep frustration at not having that ability. They are trapped and powerless in a body that is bigger and stronger than it was in 4th grade with none of the tools to regulate anything. More than ever I see kids acting on impulse on a way that is beyond normal. I am seeing dissociative patterns in almost every student I meet. Most of them have taken all year to even understand why certain things make them do certain things.

This year alone I've been punched in the head, face, eyes, you name it by kids who can't see what's in front of them acting on blind rage that should never have to exist in an entire group of people, ive been recorded by kids i knew and talked to every day breaking up a fight like they didn't know who I was and it was a spectacle to watch because they can turn their brains off as a traumatic response to repeated exposure and to them this is how life is, I've been thrown to the ground & nearly hit by a car breaking up kids who took it into the street with intent to kill, had kids bleeding in my office from head wounds they got from accidentally hitting someone with a ball, ive put kids in ambulances, we've been on lockdown, we've had high schoolers break in and attack 12 year olds because they dont know how to solve conflicts without the highest extreme either, kids are hurting. They need so much help right now. Being a kid right now is a traumatic event. Not a single kid I work with is living in a non-traumatic event. It is happening all the time.

The pandemic has destroyed so much for everyone but to our kids the pandemic is their only measure of reality. The post-present-pandemic has created a generation of trauma and loss of education. Be here for our kids more than anything, our future is with them and they need so, so, so much love right now, and it's love they think they don't deserve, it's love that they're resistant to getting, they have no trust for any system or person or each other because every single thing has failed them. Their reality is trauma they are more powerless than anyone to change. They can see everything and only react. Being a kid is a traumatic event, please love these kids. They think that this world doesn't love them and they are so, so far away right now, but they're still able to come back. I'm seeing it real-time. These kids need to be reached before they can't come back, make the safety and love for kids a priority. Hope is being lost on them and their reality is a nightmare.

They won't be kind to you. They won't trust you. They won't let you in and they are in survival mode. And they still need you. They need to know where the bar should be for how they're treated and they need to know what they're worth now more than ever. They're worth the world and more.

511 notes · View notes

foolondahill17 · 9 months

Text

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, @urne-buriall, and they're all your fault. Today's segment let off at the same point where my initial read-through stopped before I had to wait for chapter updates. I'm struck with the same feeling of heartache for Dean and frustration for the way both Kate and Sam reacted to his situation.

1. I'm trying to respond to Kate sympathetically. John is a man she's known for some time and the father of her child. She wants to think the best of him. In the 90s there wasn't as much public information about people in domestic abuse situations, especially not a young man like Dean (and this is still true for a lot of male victims). But I can't help but view Kate through the lens of someone in this day and age.

If someone tells you they are being abused (let alone an eighteen-year-old kid) you never - never - go to the alleged abuser to ask if it's true. The amount of danger she put Dean in after he just disclosed this secret to her, especially when he'd been trying to keep her son safe? I'm stunned she could make that kind of decision.

Although my frustration toward Kate is understandable, I think my anger is misplaced - that should only be directed toward John. John is the danger here, not Kate. In fact, Kate is another potential victim, perhaps, if Dean had never said anything. She's in a difficult situation, too - an unwed, single mother trying to build a better life for her son. It's understandable she's blinded by John's charisma.

I also can't imagine the guilt Kate must experience after this moment: she has to learn about Dean pressing charges against John, eventually, and - she's a smart lady - she'll now not only have irrefutable proof of John's actions but also guess that John must have blown up at Dean after her phone call. Her horror and shame over that decision will likely haunt her for the rest of her life. It's a sign of Dean's tremendous compassion that he forgives her (if he ever even blames her in the first place; I imagine it would take a couple years for him to even register he was upset about her actions, let alone voice them). I hope they're able to have a conversation about it someday.

2. My frustration toward Sam is a little milder. After all, Sam is a child. He can't be expected to react with the same level of knowledge and maturity. But I'm still yelling at him through the screen when he confronts John about leaving. Again, I can't help but think of the danger that creates for Dean. What if Sam had directly confronted John about hurting Dean? How would John have reacted? What if John had lashed out at Sam, and Dean had gotten in the middle?

Again, if someone comes to you with the fact they're being abused (and Dean didn't even tell Sam, in this case; Sam discovered it, himself) do. not. confront. the. abuser. But Sam is young and understandably selfish, impulsive, and self-riteous in the way teenagers are. What's more, Sam is also a victim of abuse, just not physically like Dean (which I tried to portray in my prequel). Sam's also had a neglectful and volatile father. He's seen how John treats Dean, and this has left scars and fears aplenty for Sam. He's also experiencing a trauma response, here, except his is to lash out rather than make himself smaller.

I can't help but see how both these events leave Dean. Of the only two people who know the secret of John's abuse, one immediately betrays that trust to his abuser, and one immediately leaves him to face the abuse by himself. It's a mark of Dean's tremendous strength that he ever tells anyone again about what John's done to him - a further testimony to his courage that he presses charges.

Yes, some of that choice to tell his story is taken out of his hands when John hurts him badly enough that the evidence is impossible to hide, but it's still Dean who ultimately decides to come forward. And it's a marvel that he finds that determination when he's been let down so badly by others before. I'm so fucking proud of him for his decisions in the next few segments: choosing to trust Missouri, Cas, Bobby, Ellen, and eventually Jody. I can imagine Dean faltering through his statement to Jody, "I know it's hard to believe -" and I like to think Jody, with calm and compassion, would immediately tell him, "I believe you."

I posted about it before, and, although I want nothing more than Cas to be there immediately to support Dean in this moment, I'm glad that his absence narratively gives Dean the space to grow as a character. In a way, Dean needed to reach this moment of despair (for the story; I'm not extending this to real-life abuse victims) in order to discover that he still has the capacity to trust the people around him. He needed to realize that he's not alone in this. All he needs to do is ask for help; he will be given it in spades.

#spirit of the west #spirit of the west daily #abuse mention

15 notes · View notes

reverieparacosm · 1 year

Note

Could I please have headcanons for what a relationship with Gideon Ofnir would be like? (F!Reader please) :D

Headcanons what it would be like to be in a relationship with Sir Gideon Ofnir

Sir Gideon Ofnir (Elden Ring) x F!Reader

Warnings: manipulation, toxic relationship, non-consensual surveillance, non-explicit implications of Smut

Note: By the way, I love your fanfictions on AO3! Finally I can use all my Elden Ring lore knowledge! It was a little hard to write headcanons for him because he has a complex personality and I wasn't quite sure how dark to portray the relationship. I hope it makes sense what I wrote. :3

Sir Gideon is a paragon of reliability and dependability, a stalwart ally who will stand with you through thick and thin, and remain steadfastly at your side, come what may

His romantic nature is evident in his belief in grand gestures, and his willingness to go above and beyond to demonstrate his deep affection for his partner

“Harken to me, fair one, and heed my words. May the celestial bodies above, in their infinite wisdom, guide you to your throne, yes, to our throne. You are only one step away from your destiny, for all you have to do is approach the Elden Ring and accept the mantle of the Elden Lord. Let us go hand in hand on a journey of discovery, where we will explore the mysteries of heresy, the laws of causality, and the tumultuous realm of chaos. Together we will learn and grow, and together we will rule over this land, as one. One great power, one true order. Let us unite as lord and lady, my love... my dear

As a knight, he is instinctively protective of those he loves, and will spare no effort to ensure their safety and wellbeing

Sir Gideon is a man of tradition, steeped in the old ways of chivalry, which dictate that he must treat his lady with respect, dignity, and honor at all times

His approach to decision-making is characterized by careful deliberation, rather than impulsive action, indicating a level-headed temperament

He can be a man of action, always eager to embark on new and thrilling adventures, pushing his partner out of her comfort zone and helping her discover new things about herself

His inclination towards intellectual pursuits is evident in his interest in studying ancient ruins and researching books, with a preference for gaining knowledge and learning. This is also something he would like to do with his partners

The prospect of exploring Liurnia of the Lakes with his partners, an area steeped in ancient knowledge, would particularly appeal to him

Sir Gideon is a patient and attentive lover, who takes great care to understand and fulfill his lady's needs and desires

Gideon can be a passionate person, and this would translate into his lovemaking, where he is fully present in the moment, making his partner feel desired and fulfilled in every way possible

He is an excellent communicator, both as a conversationalist and a listener, and his extensive knowledge and experience as a knight make him an invaluable teacher, able to guide his partner through anything, from sword fighting to horse riding

Despite his many virtues, there may be complex and multifaceted aspects to Sir Gideon's personality that could pose challenges for those in a relationship with him. These hidden, multilayered aspects of his persona are, at times, dark and difficult to navigate, and may require a great deal of patience, understanding, and compassion on the part of his partner to overcome

Sir Gideon's vast knowledge and intellectual prowess are formidable tools that he may use to steer the conversation and shape the dynamic of his romantic relationships. He is highly attuned to his partner's emotional needs and weaknesses, and may use this insight to manipulate her into behaving in a way that suits his desires. Employing tactics such as guilt, shame, or other negative emotional manipulation techniques is not beyond him

“Verily, you are fortunate to have my presence in your life. Indeed, no one other than me truly understands and appreciates your value. You shall be full of gratitude for the attention and affection I show you. Moreover, you shall fulfill everything I ask of you without hesitation or question. That is the depth of my understanding and care for you.”

Furthermore, his dedication to independence is a noteworthy aspect of his personality, which may result in a reluctance to engage in emotional intimacy in a romantic relationship, prioritizing work over love

In his pursuit of his goals, Sir Gideon can become hyper-focused and neglectful of his relationships. Though it is not apathy, he may not always express affection through gestures or kind words, due to his preoccupation with work and knowledge

“In this world of disunity and despair, I have no chamber for love. The fate of the world rests on me, truly. My work is far from complete, and I must do it with all diligence. Although I know it may be troublesome to understand, my work is the only thing that matters. At a later date, I would like to talk to you more, because I think some of my other knowledge may be of use to you. Knowledge that might be... more pleasant.”

His occasionally cynical nature and self-righteousness may make him difficult to work with, and his critical tendencies and lack of active listening skills can be obstacles to effective communication

He possesses a highly critical and sarcastic disposition, and is unafraid to express his opinions, owing to his intelligence

His unfiltered expression of his thoughts and opinions may come across as judgmental, and could potentially hurt his partner's feelings

Gideon Ofnir is also quite controlling and stubborn, which may lead him to reject his partner's advice in certain situations

A relationship with Sir Gideon may require patience, understanding, and empathy, but for those willing to put in the effort, the rewards may be great

Ascertaining the safety of his partner comes at a considerable cost

His vigilance knows no bounds, as it extends far and wide. His ever-present eyes and ears, spread all over the lands, allow him to see every detail, good or bad

He has a network of spies dispersed across the Lands Between, which enables him to keep a watchful eye on his partner's movements, even in the most remote of locations

However, should she be disloyal, he would not hesitate to send Bloody Fingers after her to capture her

#elden ring #elden ring fanfic #Headcanons #Headcanon #sir gideon ofnir #gideon ofnir #fanfic #fanfiction #elden ring gideon #gideon ofnir x reader #elden ring headcanons

33 notes · View notes

edge-oftheworld · 19 days

Note

“yknow as a fandom I think we could do a better job of appreciating Sierra Deaton”

No just have less appreciating Sierra cause she’s been anti-black, a creep towards fans, invalidated a 5sos fan’s mental health because they’re a fan, trauma dumped on young fans and overshared, slut shamed Ashton, and so on and so forth

hey anon!! Thanks for this concise little list. But seriously, thanks for making me think and pull together a bunch of ideas in my head; I hope in this essay really you can see some of my thought process. I can’t imagine how hard it’d be to be reaching out with something really hard and expect compassion and get a negative interaction instead—if that was you or whoever it is I hope they’re doing better and finding community and people who care. And I don’t want to pretend she’s perfect or has done everything right, we know that’s not how it is, Sierra knows that, Luke knows that, so does, idk, God.

and I’ll admit I’m a bit old fashioned when it comes to cancelling people and I do like to try and see the good in people where possible—sometimes imo it’s the only way to get any positive change. to look beyond the superficial where someone might lash out—is it in malice, or fear, a momentary impulse they might regret later or maybe realise for some reason were pushed to a point where they couldn’t manage anything better. I know I’ve been to that point and I know how I spiral if I don’t know how to forgive myself. I also know this is a fandom where shit gets real and we’re young and hurting and sometimes that just makes us defenceless against our idols and those around them being human, and the shitty side of human we all have potential to become too. And we live in an era of systemic racism and lack of access to mental health services which both causes and exacerbates so many issues that, was the world not so anti-black; had every mentally ill child and youth a support network in real life (instead of the way many of us often spend years only ever feeling seen by the songs we listen to, 5sos songs easily filling in that need)—we might be a little more able to be like ‘wtf that’s not cool but that’s a her problem’ and move on. and can I say we do deserve a world that doesn’t discriminate. And in order to get what we deserve we have to make it. and in order to make it we have to learn how to do better and let people learn to do better—these people aren’t going anywhere. somehow bad people have to turn into good people and yes in order to do that they have to be made accountable. Repentance is truly a beautiful thing; it’s also something that can’t happen when we feel scared and in our survival brain. When we feel like that we tend to easily get into us vs them and dig deeper into our (often wrong) convictions and that’s actually an evolutionary response to when we have to fight against predators; we don’t have time to think ‘but what if they’re actually in the right’ when we’re fighting for our lives.

and this isn’t the place to psychoanalyse Sierra. I don’t know exactly what goes on in her head, I don’t know if she’s sorry or even remembers these things but I do know the rift between her and fans has been quite heated and even scary at some points over the years. And maybe I have the privilege of never being someone who has been hurt by her to have grace for the fact that ‘gotta be nice to this fan they’re having an experience of a lifetime to be interacting with my partner and I’m gonna give the benefit of the doubt that they’re not one of the individuals in a sea of fans who all look identical to me sending me death threats’ is a hell of a lot to put your brain through every single day. If she (and it’s not if, we know she did) make mistakes. If there was too much trauma to hold and she put it out on the internet to cope in a season of her life. If the insecurity became jealousy of one of the most important people in her s/o’s life which became insults that were thrown around back in high school before everyone realised how uncool they were and tried to stop using them but they were still burned in their brains to come out on impulse (I actually have no idea how that specific event went down, or if there were one or multiple). I hope they sorted that out internally; I don’t know what else I can do but trust that it’s something they’re capable of doing and care for each other enough as a group of friends and songwriters to do.

I wanted to save the lateral racism example for last because I feel like everything above is kind of a metaphor for it, if you follow. I’m coming from a place where I’m southeast asian and part white living in a largely western country, so is Sierra, so I’m automatically going to see her as ‘like me’ (and can I say how rarely I get this kind of representation?) whereas if you’re black, or if you find your experience more relatable to blackness, then you’re going to experience this very differently. I can’t know your experience. I also know that asians can be brutal in this area: it’s the reason my childhood best friend hasn’t told her dad she got engaged to her partner nearly a year ago. Lateral racism isn’t okay. But unfortunately what happens is often when you’re discriminated against in some ways we’re conditioned to take the side of the oppressor against someone who’s discriminated against in other ways. It’s all ‘okay maybe I’m x and I should be y but at least I’m not z’ and again it’s that evolutionary survival instinct to not be at the bottom of the pile; channeled in horrible ways into today’s society. It takes a lot of effort and self awareness to be like ‘we’re united in this experience of being oppressed, together we have the power to make a stand that this is Not Cool’ and most of us fail the first few times. but what’s important is we keep trying. we can all heal together when we do.

so anon I have no idea who you are or your background or how much you’ve had to wrestle with this yourself, if you’ve had to stand up against communities who were hostile, if you’ve had to do this while being discriminated against from outside as well, if you know the experience of not fully being one race but not fully being another etc. and also you’ve got no obligation to like Sierra, this is such unsolicited advice but this whole release period for boy ep I’ve really just been thinking ‘it’s healthy to feel our feelings even when it’s not always pleasant isn’t it’ and wherever that hurt is please love it embrace it bring it into the light whatever you do to realise you’re valuable and you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. even your mistakes and where you’ve hurt people and regret that, you’re gonna grow so much from that and have so many chances to do better. maybe you’re young and you haven’t had the chance to hurt anyone yet. I hope you manage to stay that way but if you do, I hope you can forgive yourself too. I hope you dip your toes in activism for Black Lives Matter, for mental health, for sex positivity, I can see you really value these things and that’s really encouraging to see.

and in the end: sometimes I have to be annoyingly human and come down to the fact that I really enjoy the songs that Sierra writes. I’ve fanned enough about gothic summer on this blog already. I enjoy the things she writes and so I listen to them, and I’m not actively boycotting Sierra specifically, I love the creative outcomes when she works with 5sos as a whole, with Luke, with other artists I love as well. As a result I do care about her as a person, I always do, and hey, I respect her funny little routine donations and the undertones of her UNICEF donation back in October and the random animal sanctuary and the occasional nod to some Australian mental health charity.

I’ve inferred a lot about how much more relaxed and at ease and free to feel things and process life at his own pace Luke seems to be with her than beforehand—and the fan in me who’s so protective of these guys just desperately wants someone to be there for them in ways that really matter and I feel like we have seen that, even despite the often rocky nature of the relationship between Sierra and Luke’s fans. Luke is someone I relate to a lot, and there are some experiences that are really hard to come back from, and I’m really proud of him right now and I do get the impression being with Sierra has really helped him get there. I don’t know for sure, I could be wrong, but I’m always going to be grateful when celebrities get to be human and not have their lives and choices dictated by fans either directly or indirectly. I’ll take the allies I can in my activism and even if there are criticisms around sincerity I do generally see Sierra trying and I want to appreciate that. I don’t want to say she hasn’t hurt anyone ever and I pray for resolution and peace for the fans, for Ashton, for her, for the Black community in general, for everyone who’s been hurt in the wake of colonialism and the generational trauma it breeds. And then I’ll go listen to bloodline and think, maybe in some ways we were born inheriting the sins of our parents before we knew better. But every day I discover ways of choosing better and compassion takes us so far and I hope every day I learn a bit more about how to channel that.

thank you for the ask, it really got me thinking and the opportunity to compile some thoughts I’d had that I didn’t realise formed a neat little mindmap around Sierra as a case study!! Much more fun than regular sociology. And I didn’t even get to delve into the political history of Saigon that I’ve been trying to understand more about!!

#decolonisation ariel strikes again #doesn’t capture global racism and the impacts of power structures perfectly I know but it’s my best #and I feel like it needed to be said so. there’s so much art to creating a better world honestly #I hope the activist in you finds this essay satisfying #sierra deaton #luke hemmings #5sos #5 seconds of summer #ashton irwin #calum hood #michael clifford #sorry if the first paragraph comes across a bit bitchy I genuinely had no idea where to start #I think I get nicer as it goes on but hopefully it wasn’t bitchy to begin with but like. if it was that’s on me #should I have an asks tag?? I don’t think I get many on this blog #anyway don’t mind my sorting tags I use for my main idk if it even works to bring them here #silver bridges #decolonise #decolonisation #<-should check which one it is lol; if you saw this from the tag expecting a decolonisation post I hope this wasn’t too weird

4 notes · View notes

purpleskybts199603 · 11 months

Text

Scars-part 4

Now I know for sure that he's trying to be playful as his enchanting smile on his face grew bigger. He's about to tease me with his charms as he knows all my soft spots for him. "Look Y/n, I know I've made tons of mistakes before but you know well I care about you! I may not have offered you what you deserve or what you wanted but I loved you as well as I could. I'm very bad at talking about feeling, you damn know it, I destroy everything that's pure around me and I'm terribly bad at showing love and compassion. I'm very aware of that. I don't deserve your love and the affection that you give to me and have given through all those years, but as the selfish bastard that I am I still want you. I just screw things up, I know! Don't have to remind me, the blame it's only on me. But damn it how I've missed you these past three months" He was again too close. His scent was intoxicating and I was hooked. Damn it! His low and raspy voice was hypnotic and my first impulse out of necessity or self defense was to run. To run as fast as I could. But my legs were numb. He can play with me like a puppet on a string and he does that with some sort of power that I can't seem to comprehend. Suddenly a bitter feeling was creeping up my mind and I remembered something as I whispered: " How can you have the guts to stay in my face and lie to me like that when as soon as our relationship no not our relationship, our ENGAGEMENT, was over you ran into your ex-girlfriend arms? Are you trying to stir old flames to life honey? Didn't you catch her cheating with one of the musicians you were producing music for? And the best thing you can come up with is I -still -care- about- you. That's kind of old, baby.Seriously!" As my patience has run dry and memories of Yoongi with his ex-girlfriend eating at the same restaurant in Seoul where we used to eat together I started to become considerably annoyed and angry. The reality hit me hard and it brought me out of my trance and I was beginning to feel the pain and the anger. And the humiliation of being lied to gnawed on me dramatically. He did not have a good reason to return to her after he himself had been humiliated by her. Other than that he still cared about her.

How could he do this? We were engaged and I've given all that I could but have had nothing given in return but humiliation. I've seen him at his worst. I held his hand through all his pain and anguish and still I was the one with constant pain and internal struggles and battles just to heal his pain, his scars from the past. This apparently meant nothing to him because as soon as I ended the relationship he was back to his old girlfriend.

"Don't take this personally! I swear I didn't do this to insult you or our relationship. As cliche as it sounds she means nothing to me. I indeed was hurt and humiliated by her but after we broke up I just wanted to bury my sorrow with someone as heartless and miserable as me." I merely smiled and said :" really Yoongi? She means nothing to you? You think I'm stupid enough to believe that? You know very well that through all the treats you and I dated I was extremely loyalty. I am a very loyal person and I don't just date people for fun.you were my first serious relationship and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you. I am loyal but best believe I ain't stupid! That witch used you for money. You dated her when you were at your lowest and what did she do? Cheated on you with a complete stranger. And still despite all of this humiliation you run into her arms? You never stop to amaze me Yoongi! You are extremely intelligent but sometimes I really can't comprehend how you think." He doesn't show emotions most of the time but right at that moment I knew he was trying to keep up a game face. He seemed annoyed and angry . His steps were cautious but slowly like a feline he walked towards me and closed the little gap between us. If he was close before so close that I could smell his perfume, now our noses were touching. "How can you blame me so easily? Need a reminder baby that the one who walked away from me was you? I admit I needed a lesson to not take you for granted but I made myself pretty clear that I didn't want us to break up. "

My voice was matching his and I was whispering to him as my eyes held his gaze. His gaze could easily melt icebergs: "I didn't walk away to teach you a lesson. I walked away because I finally learned mine , baby." Even though inside myself I felt very fragile and insecure like a little scared girl, I knew I had to keep up this game face and pretend to be unaffected and in control.

The tension between us was palpable and almost touching my lips on his he whispers back: "And what lesson did you learn princess?"

"That I need to be around people who actually care about me. That I need to improve my self esteem and get rid of self doubt in case something bad happens and stop blaming myself all the time. From time to time it's okay to put myself first and learn to say no when I need to. I learn to make myself a priority Yoongi. In the past three years you were my only concern. I only focused on you, on your well-being and trying to help you cope with your traumatic past. You know damn well that I am an extremely empathic person and I know how it feels to suffer and to live a miserable life full of anxiety. I love helping people. Damn it I even made this as my daily job, to help people and make people happy but honey I expected more from you. You were the person that was supposed to be by my side for the rest of my life. I do want my fiancé to show appreciation from time to time. Not to doubt your feelings for me. With you was like a carousel of emotions: now I thought you really like me and the next day you give me the cold shoulder. So yes Yoongi I've learned an important lesson! " Our noses touched and his lips continued to brush against mine as my anger grew more intense because flashbacks of Yoongi being with his ex-girlfriend resurfaced in my mind. Almost aggressively I pushed him away and got back in the kitchen.

#bts #agustd #yoongi fanfic #yoongi x reader #suga bts #yoongi imagine #bts fanfction #min yoongi #fanfic #min suga #suga agustd tour

10 notes · View notes

stellaluna33 · 2 years

Note

sorry i just saw your post + all the notes about rory missing lorelai’s graduation and for the ppl criticizing her for being “selfish” or “manipulative” i would just like to point out that she was SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD!!! teenagers can be rash and extremely emotional and selfish! no one defending rory is saying that was a great moment for her but holy crap it was hardly maliciously evil. does no one who watched this show remember what it was like to be a teenager?? lol anyway just had to get that out, rory haters always irk me!

Yes, exactly! Is it because Rory generally carries herself in a serious and "adult-like" manner that they expect her to, well, BE an adult? (Before anyone comes at me about the Revival, I'm not talking about that right now)

And about her having impulsive moments from the beginning... well, yeah? That's because they're using it as a storytelling device. Rory normally IS very quiet and contained and likes to have all her ducks in a row, and she tends not to talk about her feelings, so when Rory goes and does something rash (running away to her grandparents in Season 1, skipping school to see Jess in Season 2, sleeping with Dean in Season 4, etc. etc.), it's SUPPOSED to be a signal to the audience that SOMETHING IS WRONG and there's some strong emotional turmoil that Rory isn't dealing with.

In this case, the show even spells it out for you! Rory's freaking out about what she did, and it's meant to lead up to Lorelai's observation that "maybe, honey, you are falling for Jess." Because the entire POINT is that Rory wouldn't just do this for no reason! The entire POINT is to show that her feelings for this boy are way stronger than she wants to admit to herself! Like, did people not pay attention to that part? And yes, Rory tends to be very self-contained physically, so maybe some people would take that as her not being very emotionally involved here, but that is ALSO part of the point! She holds herself in and holds herself in, until eventually she can't and she explodes. And yeah, it's messy, and yeah, there's collateral damage and it's a problem (I mean, there's a reason I sent her to therapy in my fanfiction, haha. That poor girl could use some!), but this is also a TV DRAMA and this is apparently what ASP thinks audiences want. You could say the writers maybe leaned on that device too often. Sure. That's certainly a valid critique. Because it DOES start to lose its "shock value" after a while, and (especially when people binge a show and time seems compressed) it can start to look more "normal" than the writers clearly intended it to be.

But to that point, I don't understand why Rory is singled out for being messy, because there's hardly a character in this show who ISN'T! Lorelai had definitely had a lot of impulsive and self-destructive moments too. But Rory's not "supposed to" be like Lorelai in this way, and maybe that's part of the point too. Rory has been bending over backwards her entire life to please her mother and her grandparents by not acting like her mother, but sometimes... despite it all, she is her mother's daughter, more than anyone wants her to be, and not in the ways she's "supposed to" be. Can't there be room enough and compassion enough to see the complicated beauty and tragedy in that?

#Gilmore Girls #Rory Gilmore #I really think they dropped the ball on AYITL #Because one of the major themes seemed to be the ways in which grieving Richard was causing Emily Lorelai AND Rory to spiral #And act 'out of character'#But they didn't really take the time to address that with Rory #The didn't unpack it the way they did for Emily and Lorelai #So it made it look like this was normal for Rory even though certain lines of dialogue definitely implied that this was a recent shift #At least that's how it seemed to me #Anyway...

46 notes · View notes

suzyq31 · 8 months

Note

Hi , I have a request for you since you've written fics with harry and Hermione as parents for iris,teddy, jane and ellie, and you have read all harry Potter books so take a quote from any books and describe the characteristics the kids share with harry and Hermione

Hi anon, this is a very interesting ask. I’ve thought of it all day and still feel a bit stumped! I’ve read all the books multiple times, but very few quotes come to mind in terms of how I came up with my characterization of the children. It’s been a few years since I’ve read most of the books , and fanfic has probably been more influential on my interpretation of Harry and Hermione. Along with my own Headcanons I’ve developed over the twenty plus years I’ve been in the fandom.

While Harry and Hermione’s traits influenced how I wrote the children in my stories, what was of even greater influence was the children in my own life. Particularly with Iris, Jane and Ellie, they share a lot of traits from two of them who I spent the most time with, and whom I love deeply.

Funny enough I was nannying two boys at the time that I wrote Maybe Tomorrow, and originally planned for Ellie and Jane to be boys. But when I sat down to write, little girls took form instead. Although, Ellie shares a certain amount in common with my 3 year old boy H in terms of intensity 😂. Also Iris’s line ‘real life life’ is a direct quote from my other boy J.

I also go a lot by the age of the character. Three year old's are quite different then six year old's, hence some of the behaviors you see in Jane versus Ellie. Or young Teddy versus teen Teddy. Same with Iris.

I have a degree that focuses on child development and it’s a huge part of my role at work, so there was no way that wouldn’t influence how I thought of the characters.

Okay now getting into spoilers for specific fics.

For Iris, I wanted her to take after Harry more strongly in personality. Yet being raised with Hermione she would have developed some of her traits like a love for reading. I wanted her to be funny, strong willed, curious and kind hearted. She is heavily influenced by another child I know who was wise beyond her years, and always asking questions.

In the story ‘Iris’ she’s younger, more confident, outgoing when comfortable. I’ll also say that I’ve been reading a lot of James and Lily/Marauders fanfic. I wanted her to have a bit of his parents in her too (in all their children really). I also think Harry would have been more outgoing and confident if he’d been raised by them. I also think she has a similar dry humor like her father.

When Iris gets older, she’s in those hard growing up years where you aren’t quite as confident in yourself, and anxiety usually flares up more. Hence why she makes some of the choices she makes in Found. She can be impulsive while also is often an overthinker like her Mum, which can make for a messy combination. See any event in canon when the kids should tell an adult and don’t.

For Teddy, I’ve written him twice now. Or well three times (He’s around 9 in It Had To Be You). His age and circumstances have always influenced how I write him. In Maybe Tomorrow, he’s been an orphan, lost his grandmother and is raised by Harry and Hermione from a young age. He’s also a big brother and he’s the oldest I’ve written him at nearly 14. This all plays a huge part in his maturity level and how he reacts to circumstances. I think he is a mix of all five of his “parents.” He’s got that mischievous streak from Tonks, compassion from Remus, humor, boldness and some mannerisms from Harry, curiosity from Hermione, kindness from Andromeda. In Found and Iris he’s raised by his dad and grandmother, has had different life experiences, and has always been an only child which influences some of his jealousy of Iris (and reminder he’s younger too!)

Now for Jane and Ellie. A quote I loved writing was this one: “What are you talking about?” he asked, his eyebrows shooting up. “They're like your clones, Hermione. Have you heard Jane explain anything, or Ellie’s laugh?”

I think both girls, while looking a lot like Hermione, are a mix of both parents and also just themselves.

Jane, ah I have such a soft spot for her. I wanted her to feel different then Iris even though they share some of the same qualities and physical characteristics. I also think her personality is affected by the events that happened prior to H/Hr arriving in that scenario. I wanted more of her personality to match Hermione with some of her eagerness to do well. She’s also a character I wanted to connect more to Lily Potter. So I passed on some of my Headcanons about her, to Jane.

Like all their children she has a stubborn streak, but she’s a bit more eager to please then Iris or Ellie. I think of Hermione in third year being scared of failing at school. She is probably the most sensitive of their kids, which is why the events in the fic have such a profound influence. I’ve worked with a few kiddos dealing with separation anxiety and trauma, which also influence my portrayal of her.

This was my favorite back and forth about Jane, and highlights the core ways she’s like Harry.

“Janie. She does look like me a bit but there’s so much of you in her. Her eyes of course, but that’s not it. I—I think it’s in how she is at her core. She sees people—really sees them. There’s a kindness to her that reminds me of you.”

He didn’t know what to say as she paused before smiling wider. “Also her knees.”

“Her knees?”

Hermione nodded. “Yes, I remember when I met you. You had such thin legs and knobby knees. You were small but with these long, graceful and skinny limbs. Jane’s built like you. Also the colour of your skin—like cream.”

“It sounds much better when you describe it. Not scrawny, pale child, with strangely long limbs.”

Ellie is just fully a three year old. Maddening, but adorable. She does what she wants, when she wants. I think a lot of kids that age do this. She is a force, like many in her family. Also, her silliness and giddiness, I see her getting from the Marauders DNA. She’s also a bit of a mirror for Hermione, who was likely also an intense kid, part of why she adores her, but also makes her the most batty (something I've had experience with myself). She is also the youngest (for now), which I think influences some of her behavior. And now my favorite quote about Ellie:

“Yes, but she’s got your smile. It pulls up at the side like yours does,” she countered. “Also rather fearless as well, and she’s quite strong willed.”

He shook his head. “That’s on you.” At her incredulous look, he relented. “Fine. Both of us.”

She fought with her smile. “Quite cheeky too. I think it’s a tie between her and Teddy for the lead on that—which is all your doing.”

Which I think is the most important thing of all, I can’t imagine any child of Harry’s not being at least the littlest bit cheeky! Also all of their children would have wild hair and be strong forces.

Alright, I’ve rambled enough. If you read through all of this nonsense, you are the best!

#suzyanswers #harry/hermione #fanfic writing #writing kids #harry x hermione

6 notes · View notes

septembersghost · 2 years

Note

u really bouta make me rewatch bates motel omg. i .. i have a confession, i never finished the last season after the thing happened. i was just so sad and took a break that ended up taking a long time but now i think im strong enough lol

you should do it!!!

full disclosure, i finished S4 in march (i distinctly remember feeling like it should've been december, because 4x10 is the saddest christmas episode of anything you could ever watch in your life), and i still have three episodes left in S5. this is partially because i've been dragging it out intentionally as i haven't been ready to say goodbye to it, and partially because after speeding through S1-4 in like six weeks, getting to that loss - even knowing it was coming all along - hit me quite heavily and i needed to sit with it for a while rather than quickly wrapping the story up. (i CANNOT hear "mr. sandman" without tears springing to my eyes. bring me a dream...)

vera was ROBBED in never getting an emmy for her performance (freddie too, imo, not to mention the episodes he wrote!), i honestly consider her to have given one of the most affecting and multilayered performances of a female character. it would be so easy to only make norma a victim, or a villain even, and she is never reduced to that, she's so fully formed and felt and wonderful (even when she's awful. she's allowed).

there's a post i have that had the best description from a review: “I'll always remember Norma Bates at her most indefatigable. Despite her perpetual suspicion that the world was out to stick it to her and her family, Norma could rise to a challenge like few others. Remember when she first moved in to that big drafty old house? She didn’t see the cracks and the peeling paint; she saw opportunity. Norma was like that, always seeing chances where others might presume dead ends. And if she decided you were on her side, she was fiercely loyal. She didn’t let many people in, but when she did, she was all in. For all her flaws, she was a hell of a woman. Still, we come here not to bury Norma Bates, but to praise her. Because what this season of Bates Motel has shown us is that Norma was never just a victim of her own impulsive and stubborn neuroses. She was a victim of circumstance; freed from the claustrophobic air of her codependent relationship with her son, Norma blossomed. She found love and a measure of contentment, however fleeting. Even when she was denying to everyone, including herself, just how dangerous Norman was, she managed to rise above her traumas and insecurities, and build a marriage with a good man. It was a revelation watching Vera Farmiga this year. Who knew she’d been concealing a gentle and understated romantic beneath those layers of Norma Bates’ high-camp hijinks all this time? Farmiga was always very, very good: This season, she was superlative.”

part of norma's tragedy, of course, is she and norman would never be able to escape that codependency, they are bound together inextricably, and she would always choose him over everyone, and he would always want to keep her, and they would never be able to protect each other, and it would always be like fire and powder.

that said, the show doesn't take that lightly - norma's absence is felt everywhere, by everyone, it emotionally drives the season - and i don't know if you've ever seen psycho, but the way the writers took that and reimagined it is masterful. i screamed at the way the actual marion crane plot played out. also, mother is an incredible, terrifying character - all the warmth that norma had, the life in her, her love and her bravery, her fury and her compassion, is gone. if norma was the sun, mother is icy winter, shrewd and calculating, her anger a different dagger than norma's ever could have been, and even when there's some measure of anything resembling affection from her, it's wrong. it's worth watching just to see vera in that performance. freddie was also amazing and got to do so much to flesh norman out and to speak to his mental state as it unravels, as he becomes more aware of the horror around him but struggles with knowing how to stop it.

i think S4 is a perfect, though heartbreaking, season of television, and S5 directly draws from that. though i haven't seen it yet, i do know how it ends and it's fitting, and i know i will cry.

they did something that on paper sounds like an awful idea - who asked for a prequel/reimagining of a classic film, right? - and found such a cool way to tell it, to make those characters breathe, to handle it with some humor (camp, even, at times) and with gravity (especially in regards to the perspective it has on the impact of such relentless trauma that both norma and norman endure). i'm rambling, but the way they found real depths of humanity and such a beating heart in it, in its characters, in not turning a blind eye to the terrible things they do and yet never judging them for it, but digging in closer to find some understanding for them, in illuminating all different kinds of love in their power and terror and agony and beauty, in love's destruction and renewal, makes the show really affecting to me.

#it's a tough show and definitely one i'd include many trigger warnings for before i'd recommend it #but if you've seen through S4 you already know the hard parts #i love when people talk to me about it because the fandom doesn't really exist anymore! i will wax on about it ANY time #anonymous #letterbox #bates motel #norma bates #vera farmiga #freddie highmore #also nestor and max and olivia were all also so good imo

9 notes · View notes

novaviis · 3 years

Text

sick!dick au. Bruce's POV. read in order here.

For most everyone else, it starts at the Gala.

For Bruce, it starts in a grey little office, with a stack of papers and a glitter pen.

Dick will confess after the fact to the fainting spell in the apartment he shares with Wally, and the months of progressively worse migraines, including an incident on patrol with Jason – and Bruce is none-too-pleased with that information being kept silent, but he picks his battles and this isn’t one of them. Still, looking back nearly everyone will unanimously agree that the night it really “began” was the Gala.

For Bruce, it begins when the social worker hands him a creased manila envelope. Inside is a birth certificate, a social security number, and an immunization record. Bruce looks through the contents of the envelope. Is this really it? Yes, he’s never exactly done this before, but he feels like there should be more. Guardianship of a child shouldn’t be reduced to three pieces of flimsy paper in an envelope. There’s a coffee stain on the corner. The social worker doesn’t really know what to say to that; this is just the way it is. She slides the rest of the paperwork across the table. Everything’s already been looked over by his lawyers, all he needs to do is sign. She pats her pockets, muttering to herself before bringing out a red glitter pen and sheepishly offering it to him.

Bruce is in his twenties. He’s impulsive with his compassion and he just witnessed another little boy watching his parents die. He knows he can give this boy what he needs. Or he’s going to try. But between the drive to bring this boy’s family justice and the need to heal a part of himself in the process, he’s somehow skipped over just how huge this is. He’s thought about it, of course, but always with the under current of doing whatever it takes to make it work. He was going to give the boy a home, give him the closure that Bruce never got, and maybe he’d save him from turning out like… well, like Bruce. Only now he’s staring down at Guardianship written in big block letters across the top of the stack, and it’s sinking in now that he’s not just taking the boy in. He’s going to be his family. And it doesn’t change a thing, his resolve doesn’t waver, because he knows he can give him a good life, but it’s that one word. Family. His family is starting out with a coffee stain, a stack of papers, and a glitter pen.

He signs the papers. Dick is already waiting outside with Alfred, who’s taken him to the small cafeteria down the hall. The boy hasn’t spoken much, in the days Bruce has taken to get to know him. Bruce had asked Alfred if he was like that – after. And Alfred had looked at him sympathetically, answered carefully. Yes, he was, in a sense. Bruce had been quiet. Shellshocked. Traumatized. But Bruce needs to remember that he had him, at least one steady presence in his life. Dick has no one. It’s going to take time.

It shouldn’t be so easy, Bruce find himself thinking over and over as they finish up. He tucks everything away into his briefcase, bears with the social worker smiling and shaking his hand and thanking him for doing such a good deed as if this is a charity stunt for publicity and she doesn’t seem to care either way. He asks again, just before he closes his briefcase, if she’s sure that there’s nothing else he needs. Report cards, keepsakes, family medical history, he doesn’t know. She shakes her head, all pleasant smiles. No, that’s all he came with – as if he’s a shelter dog. Bruce latches his suitcase shut.

Back then, it was just a passing thought. He doesn’t spare it another over the years, because he doesn’t need to. Time went on, Dick becomes an inseparable part of his life. Bruce will always silently maintain that Dick was the one to save him in the end. He’s not a perfect guardian, not a perfect father, and he makes more mistakes than he can count. They argue, they have fallings out, and still they always work through it – because they’re family.

And the issue of the family medical history does not resurface until that champagne gold night. Until he catches Selena watching him from across the ballroom, smiling behind the rim of her wine glass and cocking her head to tease him. Until, he’s distracted between secretively searching the crowds for her and forcing himself to smile and laugh with Gotham’s elite, so he doesn’t notice the commotion rising up on the other side of the room. Until his youngest son comes racing toward him through the crowd looking more scared and shaken than Bruce has ever seen him. Until he breaks through the ring of bystanders and sees Dick passed out on the floor, Wally kneeling over him beside himself with panic. Until the ambulance and the fury of the waiting room (making a mental not to raise absolute hell with the Hospital’s board of directors) and the doctor pulling him to a side room, a little grey office, to ask the dreaded question. All at once, it comes back to that moment, and Bruce sighs, scrubs his palm over his tired eyes. No, he doesn’t have Dick’s family medical history. It doesn’t exist. Realistically, it isn’t Bruce’s fault, but that has never stopped him from shouldering blame.

Selena reaches out in the following days it ask in on how Dick’s doing. Bruce is cordial, tells her that her concern is appreciated but Dick seems to be doing fine. And on the other side of the phone, he can hear her moving around her penthouse, maybe standing at the window – she’s glad to hear it. Let her know if he needs anything, if she can do anything to help. It’s early days then, and none of them know just how bad it’s going to get.

It’s a slow progression at first, and then it’s not. It’s months between seizures, a steady increase in migraines – but life goes on. It’s not as if Bruce is hovering every Dick at every second. He’s a grown man now, with a career and a home and a partner. Bruce supports him in any way he can, until it gets to the point that he has to make the hard call. The argument he has with Dick that night, in the study of Wayne Manor, is something he’ll never wash from his memory. He’s used to making the tough decisions. He’ll be the asshole if he has to, he can handle Dick’s anger, but he’s not going to allow him to take this much risk into the field. Benching Nightwing until they have a handle on this is a necessary call, but Dick is stubborn (who on earth did he learn that from), and unwilling to step down so easily. And as the argument reaches its fever pitch, Bruce pacing and ranting, listing off his rational, he hears Dick call his name in a wavering voice and it cuts through the background noise. Dick, the colour drained from his face, eyes unfocused, conceding that he’s about to lose this argument, will haunt him in the same way as the worst things he’s seen in the life he’s chosen. That’s the moment he knows that this isn’t just going to pass, the moment he bolts to catch Dick before he can topple forward and hit his head. This isn’t something they can wait out. He’ll never regret making the call, but he will always regret the way he put the pressure on Dick, as if he’d just made things worse.

The thing is, this lasts years. It becomes a part of all their lives – because it’s Dick. It isn’t all consuming, it doesn’t eat away at their thoughts every minute of the day, but it’s a resurfacing concern that’s rarely spoken about aloud. And Bruce sees how this changes his family. No one can say that the Wayne clan is the most well adjusted and healthy family, but Bruce does his best. He realises and appreciates now more than ever just how much work Dick put into keeping them all functioning. Keeping them together. He never thought he’d taken it for granted until then. It shouldn’t have taken this to bring the family closer together, but it does, and as much as Bruce hates that, he’s not going to fight it.

Time goes on. Still. It’s a slow progression at first, and then it’s not. Bruce is in a meeting with his chief executive officers when his secretary buzzes in over the speaker saying there’s a call for him on the line. He thanks her for letting him know and tells her to take a message. She says the young man is telling her it’s an emergency. One of the CEOs is about to launch into a presentation and Bruce doesn’t spare him a second thought. Picks up the phone, pushes away from the board table, and paces to the window. Wally’s voice comes through saying his name, shaken and urgent, rambling out sentences too fast for Bruce to hear.

Wally. Slow down. What happened?

He stopped breathing. Fuck, Bruce, he called me at work – sounded like a seizure so I ran home, but he – it didn’t stop, he wasn’t breathing.

That first night, after Bruce has sent his reluctant children home with Alfred, it’s just him and Wally left with Dick. The end of visiting hours is fast approaching. Bruce steps out to let Wally have his time with Dick, allows him some privacy. He eventually makes his way up to the terrace balcony on the upper floors, a green space with massive glass walls and an open ceiling. Fresh air for the first time in hours does wonders.

Selena is there. She approaches him from the other side of a low hedge, bundled up in a cashmere sweater and scarf – ones he bought her ages ago. When he asks how she knew, she smiles. She has her ways. Tim called her, didn’t he. Yeah, he did. They stand in silence for a while, staring out at the mosaic of lights against the persistent dark of Gotham, before she puts a hand on his arm. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, Bruce, she says, and the coy smile fades into sincerity. Come to me when you need to.

Three days after Dick is admitted to the ICU, Bruce calls Damian into the study. It’s late, they just got home from visiting an hour ago. They’ve been arguing a lot lately, before Dick went downhill. Mostly regular thirteen-year-old boy versus father arguing, but a few too many frustrated shouting matches in the Cave. Bruce can’t help but wonder if it’s in part because Dick hasn’t been there to act as a mediator. Still, the past few days have been quiet, if not tense. Damian complies when Bruce calls him down. He’s wearing a sweater he stole from Dick months ago, the bulk of it swallowing his smaller frame like a blanket. He has the sleeves rolled up, his hands in the front pocket, when he pauses in the doorway. Bruce gestures for him to sit across from him at the desk. He can see the way Damian is bracing himself for a lecture, wondering whatever it is he did wrong this time, as he takes his seat. Bruce, in his chair on the other side, watches him for a moment before deciding this won’t do. He stands, and pulls his chair next to Damian’s and pulls a file over from the other side of the desk.

Wayne Men are at a higher risk of Prostate Cancer as they get older. I get tested every few years. He tells him. My Mother’s side of the family, the Kanes, have a history of Crohn’s Disease. It’s prevalent in people of Ashkenazi Jewish decent. I’ve never had it, or had symptoms, so it’s unlikely that I passed it on to you, but not impossible. And when Damian stares back at him, he leans forward, presses his hand to his son’s shoulder. I want you to know these things, Damian. It’s important that you know your history.

And with any other child, it may have not been a good idea to have this conversation right then. Any other child may have been scared. But this is his son, and Damian is as frank and pragmatic about these things as he is, and Bruce knows that he will appreciate the honesty, knows that those questions have likely been rattling around in Damian’s head for a while now. They spend another hour that night talking about their family, beyond just medical history, and Bruce answers any questions Damian has.

Dick gets worse. Wally leaves to find answers. Bruce is doing everything he can; medical bills are nothing to him, he checks in on his children, calls in favours from the league to keep watch of Gotham when he’s needed at the hospital. It’s the most he’s ever relied on others in his entire life.

It’s just him in Dick’s room one night. He’s at the window when he hears Dick rasping his name. It’s been rare lately that he’s been coherent enough to really speak without being prompted, so he has Bruce’s full attention immediately. He crosses over to the bed, braces a hand over Dick’s. And Dick doesn’t say anything for a long while. His eyes are half closed. Bruce is close to assuming he’s fallen asleep, when Dick’s unsteady hand slides out from under his, and rests on top with a barely there squeeze. Dick is staring up at him. His voice his so quiet it’s almost drowned out by the monitors, but Bruce hears it.

Take care of Wally.

Bruce doesn’t waste time on don’t talk like that sentiments. He doesn’t tell Dick that he won’t need to, that he’ll be fine, because Bruce does not make promises he knows he cannot keep. He nods. He will. Dick doesn’t need to ask him to take care of the family, that much is an unspoken understanding, but if this is a piece of mind he can give Dick, it’s without hesitation.

He ends up at Selena’s door after visiting hours. She buzzes him in, and when she opens the penthouse door neither of them say a word. She guides him over to the couch, pours two glasses of good wine, and when she returns, he’s already got his face in his hand – not sobbing, not breaking down, just… exhausted. She isn’t sure Bruce knows how to break down anymore. In the end, she just sits with him. Rubs his back, tentatively at first, not sure if he’ll let her. Bruce not only does, but he shudders under her hand, allows himself to breathe with her, and it’s enough to let the pressure ease and the ache to come in. He allows himself feel to it.

Because that’s his son. That’s his first son. And he’s failed him.

Years from then, when this is all in the past, he’ll let it slip. It’s over a late night coffee with Dick in the Cave as they wrap up a case, near to the anniversary of the Dick’s surgery. Maybe it’s the string of late nights and no sleep wrecking his inhibition, maybe it’s something he needs to get off his chest. But Dick stares at him, goes quiet, sets down his coffee mug.

You did everything for me, Bruce. He says. You never failed me.

And, someday, Bruce will believe it.

#dickwally #batfam #sick!dick #I've wanted to do Bruce's POV for years and it just hit me in one sitting

151 notes · View notes

flickeringart · 3 years

Text

Neptune in aspect with Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Pluto and Chiron

(Read my other posts 1: Neptune aspecting Sun & Moon, 2: Neptune aspecting Mercury & Venus, 3: Neptune aspecting Mars)

It is always difficult to interpret aspects of generational planets to other generational planets because they are such big forces and encompasses such broad complexity that it would take a genius to accurately convey their impact through the Mercurial function; verbal and written communication. The social and collective planets are describing the bigger picture of what is going on a societal and global scale – but they do matter in the personal natal chart because they indicate the overall collective climate that one was born into and will inevitably color the personal life experience. When I refer to “collective tendencies” in describing these aspects I’m therefore also referring to “personal tendencies”.

Neptune in aspect with Jupiter

With the harmonious aspects this would translate into a time of deep collective faith and belief in the transience of the world as well as a faith in the ability to be redeemed through the correct attitude and positive expectations. This is a typical aspect of “follow your heart and your dreams” which is often considered extremely naïve by more “realistic” people. With this aspect forming at a point in time, there’s a greater collective tendency to take chances and put one’s luck in the hands of the universe. This aspect lends itself to big dreams and visions, a freedom to pursue spirituality and let go of inhibitions, to pursue freedom with complete abandon of boundaries, to enjoy culture and contribute to it in order to feel closer to the divine. In case of the hard aspects, belief systems may be dissolving and reconstructed, the future might seem obscure; the erosion of culture and lost sense purpose might cause people to pursue religion or spiritual doctrine more vigorously than ever. People could attempt to escape from it all through distraction and dissociation, to cling to illusions in order to cope, or take to drugs in order to numb the sense of meaninglessness and desperation that permeates the social-societal fabric. The hard aspects could indicate disillusionment and disappointment in religious doctrine, an abandonment of belief and collective spirit. People could feel betrayed and deceived by thought leaders and visionaries leading them astray instead of enriching their lives. In any case, these two planets together combine the yearning for something sacred and transcendent with the symbolic expressions of meaning in culture and social life.

Neptune in aspect with Saturn

With the harmonious aspects this combination of planets, the collective might try to create a system of protection for the less fortunate, to provide a container for the unformed and passive souls that are helpless in the face of existence. It might also lend itself to collective fantasies of the ideal state with an ideal structure. Hard work and duty might be glorified and seen as the height of goodness. There could even be a great sense of bliss in restricting and depriving in order to chip away at a distant goal. It could also mean that there’s romanticizing and mythologizing of authority, a deep need to idealize paternal figureheads and put faith in tradition. This aspect forming at a specific point in time could generate a tendency to expect to be taken care of by society, for the powers that be to provide and coddle its citizens. There could be an expectancy to be redeemed through putting noses to the grindstone and get rewarded in this (or the next) life for doing the right thing, for believing in the system. With the harmonious aspects this might not be such a disastrous preconception to live by but with the harder aspect it becomes another story. With the hard aspects, Neptune-Saturn might express ad deep guilt and regret in not pursuing worldly goals or becoming successful – there could likewise be a sadness of not being receptive enough to have dreams and longings because of too much realism. There might be great defensiveness collectively against chaos as to make people paranoid to not loose control. Counter to what is desired; this fear might cause more disorder and a collapse of defense systems through the very effort of keeping them intact. Saturn has to do with boundaries and Neptune has to do with dissolution, which might indicate collective experiences of trying to keep things in but being unable to. Avoiding the “swamp” whatever form it comes in, would be the dilemma of these people’s lives and for the greater collective at this specific point in time. Escaping responsibility causes guilt and disorder and taking responsibility will cause guilt and disorder, whether it’s mental or physical or both. There’s dysfunction present at both ends. There would possibly be an undermining of authority taking place and simultaneously a stronger defensiveness around authority in order to not fall prey to the temptation of chaos.

Neptune in aspect with Uranus

With the harmonious aspects, this set of planets will combine themselves to create a common experience of looking to the future for redemption. That which is new is idealized and welcomed with open arms – change might seem like an appealing concept. Dreams of a utopian society where every individual is accepted and harmoniously coexisting without the necessity of rigid rules and structure might be prevalent. Faith in humanity and its capacity for genius to solve all its problems might come with this planetary contact. In fact, Neptune is sextile Uranus at this point in time, pointing to a longing for change and the opportunity to create something new that saves humanity from the “dark” past and elevates it to new heights of spiritual and scientific excellence. This is a highly idealistic combo that can produce genius solutions that are in line with the yearnings of the collective. The hard aspects can create tremendous despair and incapacity to pursue progress, without feeling like there’s an abandonment of the potential for redemption. These are the aspects that will sabotage any new endeavor and model in favor of remaining in a state of nebulous undifferentiated potential. New discoveries and insights made during the time of the hard aspects might produce great hurt and disillusionment in the collective. The new discoveries will seem to threaten that which is perceived as pure and sacred, the romantic ideals of humanity will be crushed in favor of breaking free from the limits of the status quo. The collective might polarize into people who want to jump on the band wagon of more advanced thought and the people who can’t abandon the “way things are” because of sentimentality and feeling ties. Either way, with the hard aspects there will be a conflict of the glamorous, timeless and bittersweet and the push to break out of the confines of old society. Neptune often symbolizes the urge to regress or transcend to reach a state of unity; Uranus symbolizes radical rebellion and revolution. With the hard aspects, there’s no way to have both. Uranus is too aggressive and might push people into emotional chaos, Neptune is too receptive and might consume and confuse people as to what is really going on in terms of thought advancement to ever come outside of their current mental framework.

(Buy products with my art)

Neptune in aspect with Pluto

With the harmonious aspects, the Neptune-Pluto dynamic expresses itself through experience of unity through crisis. This might sound scary, but Pluto is after all representative of destruction and rebirth. With this aspect the collective longing for redemption stimulates the impulse to protect something that is necessary for survival. At this point in time Neptune is sextile Pluto, which makes sense considering the state of the world we’re in at the moment. There’s a sense of a need for survival in order to be able to guarantee a blissful destiny of humanity. The collective feeling tone is certainly categorized by fear and paranoia at this time, but also of greater oneness because the whole world is going through this pandemic. With the Neptune-Pluto sextile there’s a need for drastic measures in order to survive the pressure that is felt. The way to Eden is through the darkness. Pluto is in Capricorn, which suggests the desire to protect and control the structure of society at all costs – hard work and endurance is necessary for survival on a collective level. To ensure integrity of the building blocks of society becomes more important than anything else.

With the hard aspects between these planets, the picture becomes less appealing. The urge to merge and retreat into the world of pre/post existence to find healing and peace inevitably causes chaos and violent destruction. The collective would find that the fear and pressure that is experienced is too much to handle. Taking control and exercising power destroys all the hope of beauty and love in the world. This aspect could indicate a time of heart-breaking vulnerability and a lot of fear and need to escape into a dream of how things could be. People born around the years of 1814-1822 seem to have Neptune square Pluto in their charts if you look it up on astrotheme.com. These people would’ve been born into a collective climate of hopelessness and despair to some extent, of power wielded over the weak. There would’ve been a necessity to surrender to the threat of death, to accept the unacceptable and either give up power or use it at the expense of sensitivity and compassion. Karl Marx is a good example of an individual with the square aspect because it falls across two angular houses, Pluto in the 1st house of self and Neptune in the 10thhouse of public image. The conflict between Neptune-Pluto is consequently evident in his persona. Publicly he’s known for his ideas about how the ideal society should be run (Neptune conjunct Uranus in the 10th). He argued that class tension and antagonism that developed under capitalism was unsustainable – the ruling classes controlling the means of production and the working class offering their labor in exchange for wages would not work in the long run in his opinion. The working class would eventually develop class-consciousness and conquer political power to establish a classless communist society. In this case, Neptune symbolizes the working class and Pluto the ruling class - in Marx’s experience these were at odds with each other (as reflected in his chart). His opinions certainly came from his inner personal tension of needing to identify as powerful (Pluto 1st house) and to offer a recipe of redemption as a part of his life’s work (Neptune in the 10th). I’m sure he felt powerful in himself, yet despairingly at loss when having to contribute to society. Undoubtedly, he felt like he had to give up his power to serve at the feet of the ruling class, to “give himself up”, like Neptune often nudges us to.

Neptune in aspect with Chiron

The harmonious aspects would translate into a peak experience through suffering, a sense of being touched by the sublime through the unintended infliction of pain, whether it’s physical or psychological. Redemption is inextricably linked with the misfortunes and wounding that can’t be cured with current scientific method. Suffering is somehow a vehicle for finding a sense of unity with the remainder of life, it makes for a transcendent experiences that allows for ecstatic bliss in conjunction with permanent damage and disability. At the point in time of the aspect’s formation there might be an unusual acceptance and romanticizing of disability, even to the point of elevating it to something divine and sacred. Knowledge and methods of healing are pursued as a means of redemption, a means of returning to Eden. Technique and skill to remedy the wounds of the collective are sought with a deeper emotional hunger. Compassion and unconditional love might be seen as the key component to healing. Artistry, creativity, music, drug use, alcohol, meditation, hypnosis and emotional surrender might be sought in the name of healing. There could be an effort to collectively spread as much knowledge and insight as possible in order to cure a little bit of the ignorance that causes so much trouble in society. Living with a permanent wound unites people, it connects the souls of the world in mutual longing to go “home”, to return to oneness. The wound stimulates a longing for fusion, which might express itself through a deep understanding of people’s suffering. Princess Diana is a perfect example of someone with the trine; she saw the universality of suffering and wasn’t hesitant to shower “love” on people with severe sickness or disability. She saw herself in people’s pain.

The hard aspects are more gruesome, as always. Personal wounds conflict with the need for fusion and a sense of oneness with existence. At the specific point in time of this aspect there might’ve been feelings in the collective of being fundamentally flawed and damaged to ever be redeemed and brought into the light of the eternal. There would’ve been great struggle to save people from irretrievable damage, yet the longing itself could cause more damage and additional feelings of insufficiency. There could’ve been a tendency to cover up the wound, numb it out and avoid looking at it in order to have a chance at something beautiful, pure and elevated. However, the escape and dissociation from it would only make it worse. The resistance to hope would potentially make the healing journey difficult. Great sympathy could be present yet it would be frequently cancelled out by stone cold realism. Chiron is the wounded healer archetype. He uses the mind and his practical skills to cope. When he’s in hard aspect with Neptune there’s going to be tension in the face of the possibility of redemption. It might only be an illusion after all, and the dark abyss of disillusionment is nothing to gamble with– consequently people would stick to the difficult but nonetheless, real, experience of pain in front of them. However when the pain of life becomes too much and one succumbs to the sweet escape through drugs, alcohol, food, tv, spiritual practices or any other method, it might backfire terribly and cause total disintegration and victimization. A good example of someone with the square is Oprah Winfrey with Chiron in the 1sthouse and Neptune in the 10th house. She’s widely known as a person of great compassion and insight – on a public level she embodies the role of the redeemer to some extent. Her identity however is that of someone who’s been wounded yet has come to terms with the burden and has learnt to live with it. She’s generally perceived to be very wise, similar to Chiron in myth. However, in her need to heal people she makes it into a show and molds the narrative to her liking or preference sometimes. She’s deeply compassionate, yet she can also expect people to live with the permanent burden of certain pains. Her Neptune draws the public in – promises redemption, but in person, she expects people to be realistic and strip their issues down without glamorizing or mythologizing.

128 notes · View notes

rosequart · 4 years

Text

i compiled a bunch of direct quotes about pink diamond/rose quartz from the newest artbook, end of an era. some of these quotes are taken from charts and scribbled notes, so the sentence structure might be weird.

let me know if there are any typos/missing information you think i could add!

quotes from rebecca sugar: on pink diamond/rose quartz

Pink Diamond is so sure that she’s powerless, but she’s actually profoundly powerful, so much so that she devastates people’s lives without understanding it because she thinks that she has no real power or sway.

The thing that she really lacks is balance, any ability to temper her extremes. This is part of her character throughout her forms: she’s always very extreme.

Pink fits into those older tropes, too: the restless princess, the little Winsor McCay clown.

Pink is pure want. Impulse, desire—she’s infectious. She is the flip side of White; she can bring out a Gem’s hidden personality—their deepest wants. This isn’t necessarily a Diamond power (she has a handful of Diamond powers both destructive and constructive), but she has this power in a very human sense. She is an enabler and very manipulative when it comes to getting what she wants, so when what she wants is to get closer to someone, her intensity, and her sincerity, opens them up and draws them in.

White and Pink were always clashing. The Diamond body repressed Pink’s wants, as directed by White, the self-critical conscience. Pink’s shield made it impossible for White to override Pink’s identity, so she had to find other ways to repress her.

Episodes like Bismuth make much more sense when you know that Rose is Pink, and even more sense when you understand how poorly Pink treated friends who became inconvenient.

Rose is tracked carefully through the entire show. She makes sense once you know she is her own worst enemy. She dreams, achingly, that she could become compassionate, because she’s sure she’s incapable of compassion. Her lack of respect for herself makes it impossible for her to respect everyone closest to her. She reveres them instead, because they are better than she could ever be, and that reverence is so honest and intoxicating that it draws everyone closer to her, without them understanding the deep self-hatred that pull is coming from.

She couldn’t stand herself; self-destruction is a huge theme throughout the show—the struggle of the feeling that you shouldn’t exist, and what that can do to a person. A lot of the themes of the show exist within Rose, like her inability to be honest with other people or herself about what she’s done. She’s so deeply ashamed of herself and her past, with very good reason. The truth is that the people in her life would be so much more understanding than she believes they will be. The contempt that she has for herself gets turned outward as contempt for other people when she can’t trust them. When she can’t trust herself, she can’t trust other people, and it makes it impossible for her to be close with anyone. It makes life extremely difficult for her. It makes living difficult for her.

Rose wants [honesty and trust and being able to grow and change] so badly, but she can’t really accomplish any of that until she accepts herself—and she never does.

quotes from rebecca sugar: on rose and greg

Rose and Greg have a very specific relationship. They parallel each other: Greg left his unsupportive family to follow his dreams. He changes his name and begins living as his stage persona...He invents himself.

Rose is instantly interested in Greg; he’s so human, sweet and funny and pliable. But as they get a little deeper into their relationship, Greg starts to realize how alien she actually is. She objectifies him, she laughs at him...she can’t seem to relate to him or pick up on how he’s feeling. They have a physical relationship, but they’ve never had a meaningful conversation. He starts to feel used. So he challenges her in a way she’s never been challenged before: he asks her to treat him like an equal. This is huge for her. She’s always been less than the other Diamonds and more than everyone else. She opens up to him in a real way, and over time she’s ready to confess everything to him. But he understands what it is to run away from home and reinvent yourself. He doesn’t need her old name and he’s not going to drag her through whatever it was she ran from; as far as he’s concerned, her old self isn’t the real her anyway. The real her is her in the present, the person she decided to be. [...] This is an incredible relief for her! With him, she can live authentically in the moment...They both can, but on the flip side, they enable each other. She never unpacks what scares her about her past, and neither does he.

They really wanted to have a child [...] It’s something they are genuinely excited about. And that’s something that’s left a little open-ended—just how selfish it was for Rose to do this knowing that she would disappear. What Rose is doing is outrageously selfless and outrageously selfish at the same time, and you can really read it both ways and neither is untrue.

chart notes: on pink diamond/rose quartz

Pink learns to keep secrets. She tells her new Pearl to keep them too. (She puts on an act. Behaves better.) She doesn’t trust herself...keeps asking her Pearl what to do...

The Game: Rose plays Batman on the ground. (Pearl is Robin and Alfred.) Pink tries to use Rose as an excuse to call off the invasion. This backfires when Blue and Yellow send in reinforcements.

Rose finds herself the head of a family. Determined to be everything White was not—she is close with everyone, flexible in everything. Love & fun are the rule—and there are no rules—and everyone is the most special!

chart notes: on rose and the crystal gems

Pink keeps asking Pearl what she thinks. Pearl understands she should have no opinions, and should follow orders. She is caught in a paradox. Her head swims. She laughs—feels scared—what is this?

Pearl is falling in love. Pink, as Rose, is intoxicating. She’s free somehow. They both are, when they’re on Earth.

Rose falls in love with Pearl’s surprising boldness that comes out of left field—!

Pearl and Rose start fusing a lot.

Pearl and Rose—the dust clears, revealing an endless honeymoon. Pink is gone and Pearl is free—free to love Rose.

Garnet trusts Rose, respects her secrets. She sees in Rose a self-made gem, a quartz that transcended her station out of sheer will and the power of self-love. Garnet loves Rose and her mystery, the way she learns to love & embrace the mystery of herself. Rose is her rock and inspiration.

Rose teaches Amethyst: you can be anything you want to be! Huge advocate of shapeshifting, self-expression, anarchy—however, Amethyst can sense shame from Rose and Pearl over the Kindergarten.

chart notes: on rose and the crystal gems, post-pink diamond reveal

Amethyst finally understands Rose: wanting her to shapeshift, not feel obligated to be a quartz, suddenly feels sympathy...kinship. It wasn’t Amethyst being inspired by Rose—Rose was inspired by them!

Garnet shocked: Rose taught her to love herself. If that was a lie—if Pink Diamond was self-hating, and wanted to disappear—than what does that mean for Garnet? No—it wasn’t Garnet being inspired by Rose—Rose was inspired by them!

Pearl is finally released—but, a rift—! Garnet feels betrayed! But, Pink did change! Pink did grow! Rose was different! That’s why Pearl was inspired by Rose—or, wait—Rose was inspired by them!

chart notes: on pink and the other diamonds

Pink, the littlest diamond, is largely ignored by Yellow, Blue, and White. Her silly impulses and eccentricities are not particularly helpful to the other diamonds in their endeavors. No one wants to play with her. Pink desperately wants White’s attention and approval (she will never get it).

Pink’s [original] Pearl is the only one who sees how much this upsets Pink. Pink is bright in front of Yellow, Blue, White—but when they don’t have time for her, she privately takes it hard.

Noticing Pink’s behavior, Yellow and Blue think she should have her own colony. White insists—she hasn’t really changed. She’ll never change. She gives Pink a colony—if only to prove Pink will fail.

White knows Pink is out there. This expensive, embarrassing tantrum is not worth her attention. Pink will come groveling back when she’s done running away from home.

Yellow and Blue are relieved to have Pink back—but White is vindicated. I knew you’d be back, your silly game is over—get back in place.

Steven gets Yellow and Blue to understand who he is now. But White won’t have it [...] In an ultimate act of self love, Steven fuses with himself, as White realizes—she can be wrong, and she’s truly lost her ‘daughter’.

#steven universe #end of an era #pink diamond #rose quartz #eoae spoilers #su spoilers #rose

1K notes · View notes

tatooineknights · 3 years

Note

Prompt for you: Luke was brought up to be a Sith.

Nineteen.

That was how many years had passed since his presumed birth. It didn’t mean much to Luke Skywalker; the two individuals that tried to raise him died before he could even talk. Though he couldn’t remember their faces, he could remember the intense fire and in the sky and embers falling onto his skin. It was a dark night and the fire was bright. Rage. That was all he could remember feeling.

“We will take you to your father,” they told him.

His father was Darth Vader, the apprentice to their master. Luke didn’t know much about him — Palpatine made sure that the two only had fleeting moments with one another, short enough that less a hundred words had ever been said between the two, but Luke’s lingering eyes said thousands every time they crossed paths. The Sith Lord was titanic and ruthless, absolute in power and resolve, everything that a nineteen year old son would want to become. If only they could speak to one another.. but it was forbidden. Luke had flirted with the Dark Side of the Force to appease Palpatine but it was the determination of winning the attention of his father that made him become absorbed in it.

Luke looked at himself in the mirror of his small but neatly organized room; his shaggy hair was slicked back neatly with gel, his once vibrant blue eyes glimmered with the faintest hint of gold, delicate traces of purple scarring from his.. more insolent days.. danced around his neck, leaving his face untouched. His white jumpsuit was form fitting and made him stick out in the sea of darkness — another foolish hope that his father would notice. Luke combed his hair back with his fingers, smiling at his appearance before leaving his chambers.

“You are late, boy.”

The Emperor sat in the center of his room, his arms folded and a frown present on his face. “I am sorry, your highness,” Luke said and kneeled down to one knee. The Sith Master rose from his seat and peered down at the youth, unsure of what to make of him. At one point, he had pretended to be a paternal figure for Luke but once that longing Luke felt for his father became evident, it became an antagonistic one. He did not like competing against his own apprentice and made sure that Luke knew that.

“You have grown strong in the Force, my child. So much time has passed since you have come into our care,” Palpatine said, feigning compassion. Underneath his robe, he pulled out a foreign lightsaber and pointed it directly at Luke. “We almost missed you growing into a man. How would you like to finally have your own lightsaber?”

Luke’s eyes widened and he leapt to his feet.

“Yes, I figured as much. You have such a thirst to prove yourself. This particular one belonged to your father.. many years ago. He proved himself weak and lost it. Now, I give it to you,” Palpatine said and turned on the saber. Cyan light shone out of it and reflected onto the youth’s face, his hand extended and eager to reach for it. “Take it.”

Luke grabbed the lightsaber with his right hand and waved it into the air, slicing and stabbing into invisible opponents. The Emperor smiled behind him and went back into his chair. “You will become stronger than your father. That is why I give you this lightsaber. Tell me, boy, do you ever see yourself at my side? Ruling the galaxy together?”

The youth blinked and made sure to block his mind, for that was never a dream of his own. He longed to rule it, sure, but with his father. But a half-truth is still a truth. “Yes. It is my dream,” though not entirely the same dream as Palpatine’s.

“I thought as much. You’ve always sought adventure, jealous of those that got to escape this station. Now is your chance, Skywalker. I am going to give you an offer,” Palpatine said, sighing and presenting a sinister smile. “You can become the second in command of this great Empire. Yes, your youthful impulsiveness is just what it needs. Lord Vader has become.. too guarded and detached.”

“Lord Vader?”

“Not a Lord for much longer, I’m afraid. You’d love to learn more about The Force? Secrets few know of? I could make you a Sith.. become my apprentice.. and replace Vader. Yes, with that lightsaber, formerly his and now your own, you will end his life. And your own will begin. I do not care how long it takes though do not test my patience. Begone, my friend. Your true journey with the Force begins,” he says with a sickly laugh. Crimson guards appear from the shadows and escort Luke out of his chambers — his mind circling with confusion and dread.

The lightsaber in his right hand is heavy and he can feel a terrible weight clinging unto his soul; this was all a test, he assumed. The Emperor wanted to know who his allegiance was toward, him or his father. To Luke, this was a simple answer but he had no way of knowing if his father felt the same way. What if he sensed his disloyalty to the Emperor and killed him in his tracks? But maybe he wouldn’t.

Luke could hear the overhead intercom announcing Vader’s shuttle. He made his way to the hanger and watched in awe as the incredible Sith exited his vessel, a colossus amongst all. Luke gripped his new lightsaber tightly as Vader got closer and closer. What was he going to do? Was there any option?

“Vader,” Luke said loudly. “Father.”

Lord Vader suddenly went completely still and stared at his son, looking carefully at the lightsaber that was held in his grasp. Neither man made any movement as stormtroopers and officers passed over them both. “Hello, Luke,” Vader finally said, nodding at him as he began to walk away before stopping once more.

“My son.”

#luke skywalker #star wars #darth vader #emperor palpatine #ficlet

73 notes · View notes