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jessicaloons · 5 months

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Chapter 22:

‘Cause baby, now we got bad blood, You know it used to be mad love…

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TW: conversations about eating disorder

I woke up from Charles scrambling out of bed, phone in his hand, trying to be as quiet as possible and turned around, grabbing my phone. 7:13. Who would call this early after a race? I sat up and stretched a little, before I got up, grabbed Charles shirt and went into the bathroom. I freshened up a little and put on the shirt. I flinched a little when my phone vibrated on the vanity, leaving the bathroom, checking who texted me. It was Julie, texting me an agenda for this race week in Hungary. Before I could open the attachment, I heard Charles speaking fast and loud and very angry Italian. He didn’t understand why there’s a problem. He already told me. They’re being ridiculous. I slowly opened the door and walked outside. Charles stood in his living room, with his back to me, only in sweatpants, hand in his hair.

"Ciao." he hung up and threw his phone on the couch, he groaned and turned around, flinching when he saw me "Fuck! Lizzie! Don’t scare me like that!"

"Sorry! I just walked out and was about to say something when you turned around." I said and he chuckled a little before he opened up his arms, for me to snuggle into him.

"Good morning, pretty girl." he whispered against my head, softly stroking my back.

"Good morning, pretty boy. What’s going on in Ferrari-Land?" I whispered back and I could feel Charles tense up.

"Nothing you need to worry about." he assured me, gently pulling away "Can we go back to bed now? For a little while? I’m tired."

"Sure?" I said and he took my hand in his, leading us back to bed.

We snuggled into the pillows and I laid my head on his chest, his heart beating erratically, gently slowing down. His warmth engulfed me, his scent filled my nostrils and lured me back to sleep. After a while I stirred around a little, feeling hot and sweaty.

"Stop it." Charles muffled voice sounded through the silence of the room "Stop wiggling around."

"I’m hot." I whispered and he chuckled.

"I know, one of the many reasons why I love you."

"Ha ha, very funny. But no seriously, I’m really hot." I mumbled trying to get up but he pulled me even closer "Charlie." I whined.

"5 minutes, please?" he pleaded.

"Ok." I sighed and he pulled me on top of him, I buried my face in the crook of his neck and he put his arms around me, caging me in. He nuzzled his face into my hair and took a deep breath.

"Would I die right now? I would die a happy man." he whispered and his hot breath fanning over my ear mad me giggle.

"No one’s dying now, okay? Can we please get up now?" I said and he pinched my side.

"Okay, grumpy girl…" he mumbled and let go of me.

I cut some fruits into a bowl, eggs frying away in the pan, when Charles walked in.

"Smells amazing, what are we having?" he stood behind me, his arms snaking around my waist pulling me into him.

"Mashed Avocado on toasted rye bread with fried eggs and a little fruit salad, with or without yoghurt, however you like it." I answered and Charles hummed.

"I’m eating so much more healthy since you’re here more often! Andrea said I don’t even need the food plan from our nutritionists." he said and I chuckled a little.

"Yeah, JK worked with me on the way I’m eating since my eat-… since the accident." I said and he kissed my cheek.

"You can say it. I know about it. I think we all kinda knew it... we just didn't know how to help you..." he whispered and I turned my head a little, looking at him. Charles turned off the stove and turned me around, leading me away from it and gently leaning me against the counter, his hands on my waist, looking at me intently.

"I just… I don’t know. I didn’t think that anyone would notice… I didn’t think it was that… that…" I rambled a little.

"You didn’t think that it was that obvious? Mon amour, you always ate healthier than most people, but every now and then you loved to have your little cheat meal, some good pasta, pizza, fries! But in that time? You didn’t eat much at all… salad was the only thing I saw you eating, some fruits but that was it… I even thought that I heard you… in the bathroom, throwing up… but I read that it could be from the meds, the trauma… but when months after the accident nothing had changed? I just didn’t know how to talk to you about it? I was- I wasn’t sure how to approach you…" Charles said and I nodded slightly.

"I didn’t know myself… I didn’t thought it was an eating disorder, I just thought it’s… I just needed to lose some weight, you know? When I heard that I won’t be driving, I let a little loose, didn’t train as hard as usually, having a nice cheat meal more often. I saw that I had gained a little extra weight, but I thought it was not much, not noticeable. But it was apparently to some people. It was nothing more than little comments first, asking if I really should have a second serving, or another bite, and I thought maybe I just ate a little too much. But yeah I always stopped then. But the looks didn’t stop… although she never said anything directly, I still always felt her eyes on me whenever I ate something… so I began to eat less and less, skipped meals. But you- umm you practically forced me to eat sometimes with your smile and praise for the food and how you said I would love it and your awaiting look whenever I took a bite… but I knew it might’ve been too much so I- I had to get rid of it. And I thought it worked… I thought I wouldn’t gain more weight, but it didn’t apparently and after I heard her… I just felt like I had to leave… and work on myself." I looked down and Charles inhaled sharply.

"Was that the reason why you left with JK?" Charles asked quietly and I shook my head.

"No, I mean it was a part of it, JK saw how my behaviour changed whenever Camille was here, how I tensed up, became more quiet, anxiety overcoming me. But no, I- before the season started? When I stayed here with you, when we were starting to prepare for our new seasons, well and then only for your season… I heard her talking on the phone, probably with one of her friends, about me… that I was a- a bulky, fat, bitch and gained so much weight over the break, how it was annoying that I always was all over you… I don’t know, I heard it and my mind instantly said I had to leave, and when I looked at myself in the mirror I realised that she was right! She just said the truth, I was getting bulky and fat. I gained not just a little bit, no I gained a lot of weight. So yeah I left. I had to. At home I could control my eating better. There wouldn’t be someone who always wanted to know how I liked the food and gave me bite after bite of different stuff to let me taste…" I said quietly and Charles dropped his hands from my waist, taking a step back. I looked at him and his face was pale "Charles? Are you…"

"That was before your accident? I didn’t knew she was horrible to you even before… when Joris told me… it sounded like it started with your accident, before it was mostly about her being now the most important person in my life… but- but you left before the start of the season because of- because of something she said?" he almost whispered and I saw his eyes tearing up "It’s my fault… It’s all my fault. Everything that has happened to you- my fault. I did this to you… It’s my fault." Charles began to tremble. A tear streaming down his cheek as he looked down in shame. I stepped closer, cupping his cheek and gently wiping away the tear, but he turned his head away.

"Hey? What do you mean? What is your fault?" I asked him quietly and he scoffed.

"Your accident! Lizzie wouldn’t I started this fake relationship, situation ship, whatever the fuck you want to call it, with Camille she would’ve never be here with us? She couldn’t say and do all these horrible things to you! You wouldn’t have left that day if it wasn’t for me letting her in our lifes! Letting her in here! Letting her do this to you! Lizzie would you have stayed here that day… you would’ve never have your accident. That is my fault. I allowed her to push you away and then you almost died. Because of me. I did this t-…" Charles began to ramble but I forced him to look at me.

"Stop! Please! Stop saying that? It’s not your fault! I could’ve said something! I never had a problem with speaking my mind! I just could’ve told you what was going on! And it wouldn’t have happen then! But I didn’t! So if you want to blame yourself? Then you have to blame me as well! Okay? Please don’t feel guilty, Charles! Please!" I said, desperately trying to make him believe my words.

"I can’t, because it’s the truth! I did this! I should’ve never allowed her in. She shouldn’t have been a part of our life. Would I just have been not the biggest idiot on earth, I would’ve told you from the very beginning that I love you. And that for me it was always you, never someone else. Just you. We would’ve saved ourself a lot of heartbreak and drama! But most of all… you would be healthy, that damn accident would never happen! So yes Lizzie, this is all my fault." Charles closed his eyes. Silent tears streaming dow his face.

"Okay. Charles. Look at me. I only say it once, okay? I could’ve said something earlier as well. You weren’t the only one feeling this way! But I refused to acknowledge it, I pretended like I didn’t feel it. So if you could’ve said something earlier, then the same goes for myself! And like I said before. I could’ve told you how she treated me! But I didn’t! It’s not your fault! Nothing of it! You hear me? Please, please don’t blame yourself! Please stop that okay? I can’t bear the thought of you blaming yourself for what happened?" I looked him in the eyes and after a long pause he slowly nodded.

"But I need to apologise… please Lizzie, just let me say it once, please. I fucked it all up. I brought Camille into our life and didn’t protect you from her. I let it all happen! I’m so sorry Lizzie!" he pulled me into him, my face buried in the crook of his neck, inhaling his scent "I’m sorry for letting it all happen."

"It’s okay. Please don’t ever apologise for it again, it’s not your fault, okay? We’re good. We’re here. You and I. Everything else doesn’t matter anymore, okay? What happened? That’s in the past…" I pulled away and smiled at him, he smiled a little before be pulled me in for a gentle kiss.

"Okay…" Charles whispered softly against my lips. I wiped his wet cheeks and then cleared my throat a little.

"And now we eat…" I said quietly and he sighed and stepped away "Here, take the fruit salad, the bowls and the orange juice, I’ll bring the rest." Charles nodded and grabbed everything, leaving me alone. My mind was spinning with Charles words, the heartbroken expression on his face. But I meant every word I said. It wasn’t his fault. I let it all happen. I could’ve said something but chose not to. I really hoped he wouldn’t keep blaming himself for something that was out of his control. I shook my head and sighed, then turned on the stove again and finished up our breakfast, plated up our food, grabbed the cutlery and followed Charles.

"I’m out here." he said from outside and I walked out on the balcony "I thought we could eat here, the weather is amazing." the table was set and I put down the plates.

"Very good idea." I said and sat down.

"Cara mia that looks amazing." Charles said with a slightly hoarse voice, it looked like he was contemplating with himself before he took out his phone, taking a picture and I laughed.

"Are you turning now into one of those influencers who post their every food?"

"No, it’s for Andrea. To show him how healthy I’m eating." he rolled his eyes a little and put his phone down, pouring me some orange juice.

"Thank you."

We sat in silence, enjoying our breakfast and the warm morning sun grazing our skin, when Charles phone began to ring, he groaned and silenced his phone.

"You can take the call?" I said and he shook his head, when his phone began to vibrate again "Okay this is ridiculous, Charles! Someone needs to talk to you, pick up!"

"Fine!" he groaned and picked up the phone "What? Yeah. I don’t. Yeah. Whatever. Thanks for nothing. Yeah. Bye." he put his phone down and closed his eyes.

"Okay, will you please tell me now what’s going on at Ferrari?" I asked and he sighed.

"I have to be in Maranello, on Wednesday…"

"And?"

"We’ll film a clip for Vista, before flying to Hungary."

"I still understand why that’s bothering you?"

"They told me to come alone. It’s only Carlos and I and the film crew. Filming is during the flight and stuff."

Now it dawned on me. Alone. Without me. I wasn’t welcome in the jet. Of course.

"That’s fine? I just fly from Nice on Wednesday, no worries, Charlie." I smiled and grabbed my phone. Searching for a flight. Just that there was a problem. There were no flights. At least not from Nice to Budapest. I had to book a flight via Munich. I was thinking to myself if I not just fly to Munich and then there jump into the private jet of Felix and Co.

"Cara mia?" Charles said and I looked up.

"Sorry, did you say something?" I asked.

"I asked if there are any flights available?"

"Oh, yeah, plenty." I booked the first flight via Munich, deciding against flying with Felix, too many questions would be asked "I just booked a flight. It’s all good, really!"

"No, if we’re being honest, it’s not good…" Charles mumbled and took my hand in his, kissing my knuckles "I’m sorry."

"Don’t worry, okay? I’ll be fine!" I plopped a grape in my mouth and he smiled a little, right as his phone vibrated again.

"What now? God!" he grabbed his phone but the scowl on his face disappeared, replaced by a soft smile.

"Should I be jealous?" I chuckled and Charles squeezed my hand.

"It’s Fred."

"Vasseur?"

"How many Fred’s do you know?"

"What is he saying?" I grabbed my glas when Charles let go of my hand to text Fred back.

"Just checking in how I’m doing, we text every now and then." Charles smiled. He always liked Fred, when he drove for Sauber the two of them were almost inseparable.

"Felix felt really bad that he kinda kicked Fred out… although Audi offered him a position within the team… but he said that he already has a new position." I said and Charles looked up.

"What? Where?"

"You’re the one texting with him? He didn’t say more… so yeah, I don’t know."

"I definitely will ask him."

"Hey cara mia. I’m leaving." Charles kissed my forehead and I slowly opened my eyes "I’ll call you as soon as I’m in Maranello. And you’ll call me when you’re at the airport and then when you land in Budapest, okay?"

"Will do." I mumbled, pulling him down, hugging him "Drive safe and take care."

"Will do. I love you, pretty girl."

"Mhhh love you too, pretty boy."

"Alright, go back to sleep." one last kiss on my nose and he was gone.

I groaned when my alarm went off and rummaged around on the bedside table until I found my phone and grabbed it, turning the alarm off. I got up, took a shower and dressed up, eating some oats and fruits while checking my flight details.

"No. No. No… fuck!" I exclaimed. The flight from Munich to Budapest was cancelled. I checked for another flight to Budapest. Nothing today. From Zurich. Fully booked. From Turin. No flights. Genoa. Departure in 1.5 hours. Marseille. Departure in 2 hours. I was screwed. I flinched when my phone rang and dropped it, answering it in the process.

"Lizzie?" Charles. I grabbed the phone.

"Hi. Sorry I dropped you."

"Thanks. Did you sleep well."

"Uhhh- yeah. Yup. Just woke up."

"What? But you have to leave in the next minutes?"

"I- umm. I’m just messing with you. I just need to put on my shoes and then I’m good to go. The car should be here any minute."

"Okay, good! Text me when you’re at the airport."

"Yup. How far away are you?"

"Not even 2 hours away."

"Alright. Then drive safe. Talk to you later. Love you. Bye!" I hung up and grabbed my iPad, sitting down. I had to find a way. After half an hour of intense searching I found a solution. But I had to hurry up. I ordered an Uber. Put on my shoes. Checked my bag if I had everything, grabbed my suitcase, locked the door and left. I got in the car and we drove straight to the airport. In the car I sent Charles a text that I arrived but had to board soon and then it was go time. I made it in time and as soon as I sat down in the plane I took a deep breath. I looked out of the window, when a little hand poked my arm and I turned around. A gorgeous little girl, maybe 4 or 5, with chubby cheeks and golden locks smiled up at me, eyes big and blue.

"Hi, I’m Elodie!" she said in French, her voice sweet as honey.

"Hi Elodie, I’m Lizzie." I said and she looked at me for a moment.

"You are pretty." she said, cocking an eyebrow.

"Well, thank you. But not as pretty as you."

"Hmm. But you are so pretty that you are in a magazine. Are you a model?"

"A magazine? What magazine?"

"My brother has a magazine with you. It’s about motorsport. Are you a motorsport model?"

"Umm- no. Not really."

"Then you just look like that girl. I was wondering why a model would fly in a normal plane and not even in front where the rich people are." she laughed and I started as well.

"You are absolutely right, Elodie."

"Elodie, leave the nice Mademoiselle alone." the woman next to Elodie said and I smiled at her.

"Oh no worries. I really enjoy this conversation."

"Really? She just starts chatting with everyone! I never know how people will react." the mum said and I smiled at her.

"I was just like her when I was her age. It’s all good."

"Okay! Thank you!"

"It’s okay. I’m Lizzie, by the way."

"I’m Marie."

"Hi Marie, nice to meet you and your gorgeous daughter, Elodie." the girl smiled at me before she looked into her book, full of unicorns and fairy’s.

"Very nice to meet you too, Lizzie. Who’s not a model but a driver." I looked at her with wide eyes "My husband and son, are huge Formula 1 fans. We have to watch every race. And my son is a fan of yours."

"Oh wow! Really?" I smiled at her.

"Yeah. They are actually in Hungary for the next race…" she said, looking at me a little confused.

"Yeah umm, the flight to Budapest got cancelled and I checked every other connection, so I’m flying to Paris and there I will catch a flight to Budapest."

"Oh. Okay? I thought the life of a F1 driver would be more glamorous." she chuckled a little and I nodded.

"Well usually it is. But it was all a little last minute. And I know that if my team principal finds out about me being here he will be a little mad. But yeah. It’s like this."

"Your secret is safe with me."

The rest of the flight I talked a lot with Marie and Elodie and when the flight attendant announced that we would land soon, Elodie already said she would miss me. We took a selfie together and she said her brother would be so jealous, that’s when I had an idea.

"You said your husband and son will be at the race on Sunday?" I asked and Marie nodded "Here, that’s my number. Tell them to give me a call as soon as they arrive. I’ll give them a tour through our garage. And maybe I can get a hold of Charles, so that Pascal will meet his favourite driver."

"Oh no! You don’t have to do that! We can’t accept that!"

"Oh please! It would be my pleasure! Please!"

"Okay. But really only if it’s okay for you?"

"More than okay!"

As soon as we were at the gate and out in the arrival hall I said goodbye to the mother and daughter duo, waving to Elodie as she walked off. I went to grab something to drink and to eat and sat down on a little lounge area and checked the flight schedule. Boarding would start in 2.5 hours, plus the flight and drive to the hotel. Great. I would arrive long after Charles. My plan on keeping the way I got to Hungary a secret just failed. And just as I checked for any texts on my phone, I realised that my battery would die soon as well and my charger was nowhere to be found. Even better.

Charles POV:

After what Lizzie had told me, the guilt was eating away at me. No matter what she said, it didn’t change the fact that it all was my fault. I began dating Camille to make myself feel better. To not completely lose my mind over Lizzie. Telling myself over and over again that I couldn’t have her. That I would ruin everything. Living with the pain it caused me looking at her, knowing that she couldn’t be mine. Never. I brought Camille into our life’s because I thought I might be able to bury my feelings for Lizzie once and for all, as long as I have someone else by my side. Someone who would distract myself from my feelings for Lizzie. But not just that it didn’t work, it only made my feelings for Lizzie even stronger, no, that someone was making her sick. Physically. But also mentally. And I didn’t notice it. Nothing. Lizzie was suffering right in front of my eyes, but I didn’t see it. And then she had to flee. And almost died. Because of me. No matter how hard I tried. I always came to the conclusion that it was my fault. All of it. The whole way to Maranello I was mad. Seething even. Not just that I found out about how I was the one to blame for her accident and everything bad that happened after, no I had to leave Lizzie now behind as well, in her vulnerable state. I saw how she was more closed off, but she didn’t want to talk about it, said she was fine, it wasn’t true, but I knew her long enough. I knew that I had to give her a couple of days to digest it and then we could talk. But that had to wait. And why? Just because of a stupid video shoot she wasn’t allowed on board? Ridiculous. It was a punishment for her criticising Ferrari openly. And a punishment for me for not calling her out when I was asked about it. I drove through the gates and parked my car, Mia already waiting. I hugged her and we walked inside.

"Alright. You have to sign a whole bunch of cards and caps. Then there’s the pre race meeting and after that the flight to Budapest." she said and I nodded, walking inside with her. I sat down at the table, two boxes full of my photo cards and 2 even bigger boxes with my caps. I sighed and began to sign each and every card and cap. Only stopping in between to drink something or to relax my hand. It felt like hours later that I signed the last cap and put the sharpie down. Mia was long gone and I checked the time, the meeting would start in 20 minutes enough time to text Lizzie and have a little snack. I waited for Lizzie’s reply while munchin on the granola bar, popping the last piece into my mouth, I swallowed and walked into the meeting room.

"Shit, sorry! I‘m late, I thought you said 12…" I hastily closed the door and Mattia and Laurent exchanged some glances. I looked around. I wasn’t late, Xavi and the rest of the team weren’t here either. Only Mattia, Laurent, Carlos, his father, his cousin and 2 other men I’ve seen before but couldn’t place right now.

"No, no! You’re not late, we’re all just a little bit early!" Mattia scratches his head and I sit down "The rest of the team will be here any minute now."

"Yeah, I guess that’s our cue to leave." English with a Spanish accent, the two men got up. They shook hands with everyone, except me, saying something in Spanish to Carlos sr. who only laughed, then they’re gone. For some reason I had a bad feeling in my gut. The way Carlos looks down in his lap, not even looking up once at me. The smug look on his cousins face, while his father looks satisfied. Mattia and Laurent avoided my gaze.

"I hope I wasn’t interrupting something?" I said it to no one in particular.

"No, no, absolutely not. We were just happy we had the three Carloses here as translator." Mattia laughed and I just nodded as the door opened up and Xavi and the rest of the team came in. Followed by Sylvia, who only nodded to Mattia and then left again. As soon as everyone sat down the meeting started.

"Charles, could you please stay for a minute?" Mattia asked and I nodded and sat back down. The door opened again and Sylvia walked in together with two other members of our PR team and Mia, who looked at me with pity in her eyes.

"Charles, we need to discuss the situation with you and Lizzie…" began Sylvia and I cocked an eyebrow.

"This is only about the representation of Ferrari." Mattia said and I was confused.

"And what part does Lizzie play in that?" I asked as Sylvia unlocked her iPad and turned it around, shoving it in my direction.

Comments from Twitter, Instagram, comment sections from sport websites, some parts highlighted. As I read them I had to stop myself from smiling. People were saying that Lizzie was right with her critique, that Ferrari should hire her as strategist, better as team principal, but also some comments about how a fellow driver could insult the Scuderia like that without any consequences.

"I don’t understand?" I said as I shoved the iPad over the table.

"Her open criticism against Ferrari and Carlos are damaging our brand." Sylvia answered "She always criticised Ferrari, but since a couple of weeks it seems more personal. As a matter of fact, since Miami."

"You mean, since we’re a couple?" I clenched my jaw.

"Yes. Look, Charles, we as Ferrari gave you the green light for…" Sylvia began but I scoffed.

"You didn’t gave me the green light, I informed you, in private, about our relationship, I didn’t ask permission." I had to contain myself. I was already on edge with everything that was going on with Lizzie. I didn’t need this now.

"Excuse me, my mistake, that’s the wrong wording, what I meant was, we had no objections…" Sylvia began but I had to interrupt her again, groaning.

"What I do in my private life is none of your concern, I don’t care if you had objections or not. It’s my relationship." I looked to Mia who only spared me a glance and mouthed a "Sorry".

"Ok, you’re a bit upset, I understand. But her comments are bad for our reputation and we need her to stop. She can’t be associated to us while saying things like this." Sylvia was annoyed but I didn’t care.

"I’m not telling her what she can and cannot say. As far as I’m concerned she’s not associated to Ferrari in any way, not since she was removed from the FDA after her accident. And the public only knows that we’re best friends and she always fully supported me. That’s it." I said bluntly and Mattia sighed.

"Charles, with the results in the last weeks, we need to keep the Tifosi happy!" he said.

"I won 5 out of the last 12 races, twice I DNFd because of some technical issues or engine problems while leading the race, let’s not talk about Silverstone, where I still managed to be on the podium. Imola and France were my fault, I’m sorry! The other 2 races I was still on the podium… how can the Tifosi not be happy with me? Because my girlfriend criticises us? That’s ridiculous!" at this point I just wanted to get up and leave, after the many mistakes on their side in the last weeks and I still showed only love and support in front of the media for my team, they still wanted more. But right now I couldn’t give me. I felt drained.

"It’s not the sports side that concerns us, it’s the noise around. So please, talk to her, Charles." Sylvia’s words are final and I got up, but before I left I turned around.

"How fragile is the state of Ferrari, if the comments from one driver, a rookie, cause such an uproar?" and with that I left, heading to the office Carlos and I spent our time in when we were here.

A couple of minutes later Mia knocked at the door.

"I’m so sorry, Charles! They didn’t tell me what this meeting was about! Otherwise I would’ve warned you!" she said and I only nodded.

"I know, I know. It’s just… I regret telling them about us. But after Laurent saw us, I had no choice." I was mad at myself.

"Maybe when you explain Lizzie the situation? She doesn’t have to stop her criticism, but maybe not mention Ferrari anymore? She could say ‘some teams’ instead of Ferrari? I don’t want you to tell her what to do or what to say, especially not when everything she says is the truth! But I don’t want any more trouble for you!" Mia almost pleaded and I nodded.

"I’ll talk to her. But can you do me favour?" I asked and Mia nodded.

"There was a meeting before our team meeting with Carlos and his family, Mattia and Laurent and 2 Spaniards, I’ve seen them before but I couldn’t quite place them? Can you find out what’s going on?" I asked her.

"I will see what I can find out. The car to pick you up and take you to the jet will be here in 1.5 hour. I thought I arrange you a separate ride, not with the Carloses and Co." she smiled at me and I turned to her.

"Carloses?"

"Yeah? Carlos, his dad, his cousin? Carloses how we call them?"

"They’re flying with us?" I couldn’t believe it.

"Yeah? Mattia, Laurent and Sylvia as well?"

"You’re fucking kidding me?"

"No? Why? What’s going on?"

"Sylvia called Monday morning, telling me that Lizzie can’t fly with us to Hungary because Carlos and I will film a spot. Commercial. Whatever. And the jet needs to be empty? Only Carlos, I and a film crew?" I was seething. Did I leave Lizzie alone for nothing?

"What? No way?" Mia sounded surprised as well and took her phone out, furiously typing away on it "So, Callo said, that it was apparently planned… but they dropped it. On Monday. Enough time to let you know…"

"I’m not flying with them. I fly from Bologna." I was pissed, grabbing my phone to check for flights.

"As much as I would want that too, it’s not an option. The media team will fly from Bologna later today and that flight is already overbooked. You need to suck it up, I’m sorry!"

"I hate it. But- okay… Thanks Mia!" I hugged her and she nodded.

"Just don’t kill anyone! See you in Budapest."

I walked up the stairs into the jet and sat down in the back, two single seats opposite each other divided by a small table. I chose the one with the back to the rest of the jet and sat down, pulling my headphones out and a book. The flight attendant handed me a bottle of water that I put in the bottle holder when she walked away. I saw the Carloses, Mattia, Laurent and Sylvia getting out of a van and put my headphones on, starting my music, leaning back in my seat, sliding down a little and closing my eyes. Pretending to be asleep might work. I didn’t want to talk to them. None of them. I heard them get in, talking about the upcoming race and a potential sponsor being present and had to bite my tongue not to groan. Another sponsor on my helmet. Great.

"Where’s Charles?" Carlos asked and I just held up my hand "Oh, hi!"

I could see in my peripheral how he walked to me, sitting down in the seat in front of me. I took off my headphones and straightened up a bit.

"Last race before the summer break. I’m really in desperate need of a vacation." Carlos said as the jet was preparing for take off and I simply nodded.

"Yeah. Same." I looked outside but felt Carlos eyes on me.

"Ok listen, I know this tension between Lizzie and me is… well it’s… what I’m saying is, you and her are friends, that’s fine. You and me are team mates, so the thing between Lizzie and me… it shouldn’t affect us, right?" he looked at me intently and I contemplated my answer.

"I’m staying in the position I’ve been over the past few weeks, Carlos. When you and Lizzie want to fight each other? Do it. But it should be fair, like I said. If she goes too far, she should be punished. But if you go too far? Then you should be punished as well. It’s as simple as that. And if I’m being asked about it? That’s exactly what I’ll say. But Carlos? Just between the two of us, you should keep some comments to yourself. Your little gentleman’s joke wasn’t well received…" I said with a firm voice and he nodded.

"I know, I didn’t meant it in that way, it was more meant as I’m not a gentleman… I should’ve known that it would sound differently. I’m sorry about that. But yeah. I can live with that." he clapped his hands and I nodded "I’ll leave you alone, I just wanted to clear the air."

"Thanks Carlos, really." I said and put back my headphones. After an hour Mattia sat down in front of me and I sat up again, headphones back down.

"Are you okay, Charles? You seem to be a little… distracted?" he asked and I had to bite my tongue, before I would just explode. I only nodded, but he kept on staring at me.

"I’m fine Mattia, really." I said and looked out again.

"Listen, no one of us has any problems with Lizzie, we know how she is, that she always speaks her mind and protects those who she loves. All good traits. But this is about Ferrari. This team has gone through a lot over the past years. We really have to make sure that the Scuderia will succeed again…"

"And Lizzie criticising the team will prevent us from success? No, I think there are other factors. A lot of other factors." I said and Mattia cocked an eyebrow.

"I understand that you’re not fully satisfied with how some of them races went. But some things are out of our control. But that thing with Lizzie isn’t one of these things." he got up and left. The rest of the flight I was staring at my phone. Time ticking away. I just wanted to get out of this jet. Go to the hotel where Lizzie would wait and hold her close. Not letting go of her. Basking in her warmth.

"Charles? We have a dinner tonight. With a potential new sponsor. We need you and Carlos to attend." were the first words from Sylvia when we arrived at the hotel.

"I don’t know if I can make it. I really don’t feel good." I lied and Sylvia sighed.

"Now is not the time to be stubborn and rebel." she said and I looked at her.

"I’m not feeling good. My head is exploding, I feel like I have to throw up any minute and I’m tired. If you excuse me. I want to go to my room and lay down. Or do you want me to go to a dinner with a potential sponsor and throw up there? Yeah, didn’t think so." I went to the reception, got my key card and walked to the elevator. When I was inside I waved to Sylvia one last time before the doors closed. As soon as I was inside my hotel room I took out my phone. Lizzie hadn’t answered any of my messages. They were all only delivered. I tried to call her, but the call went straight to her voicemail.

"Hey JK, is Lizzie with you?" he picked up after the second ring.

"No? Shouldn’t she be with you?" he asked.

"No? She took a flight from Nice to Budapest alone, long story short, Ferrari, that’s all you need to know…" I sighed and sat down.

"Charles? There was no flight from Nice to Budapest today. That’s why I had to fly via Munich as well. I flew from Nice to Munich and met up with Felix and Co. Lizzie said she would fly with you yesterday?"

"What? No. She told me she would fly today from Nice. I couldn’t take her with me to Maranello. That’s why she booked a flight. At 11:20 departure from Nice, flight number LH1246?"

"Charles that was my flight to Munich and she wasn’t on it?"

"No. She said she was on her way to the airport! And then sent me a text later on that she was about to board the plane?" I began to panic "Why is her phone switched off? Where the fuck is she?"

"Calm down. We figure it out. Let me check in with Julie. I’ll call you back, okay?"

"Okay." he hung up and I got up. Where was she? Why didn’t she answer my calls? Messages? I began pacing back and forth in the room, waiting for JK to call back.

"Where is she?" was the first thing I said as soon as the phone rang.

"Umm- we don’t know. Calm down, okay? I’ll be there in a minute."

Right after the first knock I opened up the door, JK looked at me worriedly.

"Ok, can you please not look like something horrible has happened?" JK said and closed the door "Sit down and drink something. I’m serious."

"Where is she? She should be here for hours already!" the water bottle in my hand was shaking.

"Let’s wait for a little bit longer and then… I don’t know. We’ll figure it out!" JK tried to calm me down but I couldn’t shake the feeling that Lizzie was kinda behaving a little off since our conversation about her eating disorder on Monday.

"We talked about her eating disorder on Monday… she was kinda off since then? I don’t know. I’m just… JK what if something happened to her?" I ruffled my hair letting out a frustrated groan.

"You talked about it?" JK sat down next to me and I nodded.

"She was making breakfast and I don’t know, it came up and we talked about it. She told me why she was starting to eat less and less and also… well some things that were… what I mean is, do you think that she… would she do something…?" I couldn’t even speak out loud what my mind was imagining.

"No. She wouldn’t. Believe me." JK said with a firm voice and I nodded slowly.

We sat in silence for the next 30 minutes, both staring at our phones on the coffee table in front.

"It was good, that you talked about it, you know?" JK said after a while and I looked up "Her eating disorder. I mean sure, she’s overcome it, but it was still something she kept to herself, weighing down on her."

"I think we all kinda knew, that something was wrong? But maybe we were just too focused on her walking again, then anything else?" I whispered.

"Maybe… but it’s in the past. And now that you talked about it, it’s just another thing she can come to terms with."

"You think so?"

"I know so."

I leaned back into the cushions, eyes still trained on our phones, when I got a notification. I lunged at my phone, grabbing it. A relieved sigh escaping my lips.

"It’s from Lizzie." I opened the message "Please don’t kill me. I’m on my way to the hotel now. I’ll explain everything."

"She’s alright?" JK looked at me and I nodded.

"Yeah. Thank god." I shot a quick answer back and put my phone down "Thanks for waiting with me, JK. Really!"

"No worries, mate! But now that I know she’s alright, I’ll give you guys some space! See you tomorrow!" JK got up and patted my back, leaving the hotel room.

I took a quick shower, getting into some more comfortable clothes and ordered some food. Then I sat down on the sofa and waited for Lizzie. 10 minutes later there was a knock on the door and I jumped up, open the door. There she stood. Looking exhausted, but giving me her wonderful smile. A hint of guilt in her eyes.

"Hey Charlie…" her soft voice music to my ears. I pulled her inside, shutting the door and holding her close "I’m so, so sorry! Today was a mess…"

"Give me a moment to hold you…" I whispered and she nodded. I felt the tension falling off my shoulders. The worries fading away. My body relaxed into hers and I took a deep breath, my nostrils filling with her familiar scent, calmness washing over me "What happened, mon amour? You were supposed to be here long before me?"

"My flight was from Nice to Munich and then from Munich to Budapest, but the second flight got cancelled. I thought about calling Felix that I would join them in the jet, but… I didn’t wanted them to know that we weren’t arriving together. So I looked for some alternatives. Found a flight from Paris to Budapest. So I jumped into the next flight to Paris and waited there. But my phone died, so I had to turn it off for a while, I forgot my charger at home, but yeah now I’m here and I’m sooo sorry!" she explained quickly without taking a breath once.

"You were in an airport. Why didn’t you just buy a new charger?" I had to chuckled at the look on her face "You didn’t think about it…"

"No… I didn’t. I really hope you weren’t too worried…" she looked up at me, an innocent smile on her face.

"Umm- well… maybe a little? But it’s okay now. You’re here. You’re okay. I ordered food. It should be here any minute…" I kissed her cheek and she sighed.

"God yes! I’m starving! I ate half a pastry hours ago and that was it! Let me just take a quick shower. I’m sweaty and messy." she opened up her suitcase and grabbed some fresh clothes before she disappeared into the bathroom.

As soon as the food was delivered we sat down and began eating, while watching a movie. My phone vibrated more than once. But I ignored it and Lizzie didn’t seem to notice. The knock on the door on the other hand, I couldn’t ignore. Lizzie paused the movie and looked at me.

"You want me to go?" she asked when I didn’t made a move.

"No. It’s just… I know who it will be. Just stay back, okay?" she nodded and I got up, opening the door "Sylvia." I said through gritted teeth.

"Oh good, you’re alive. I just came to check in on you, after you didn’t answer your phone. See if you feel better. To come and get you. You know, the dinner?" she said smugly.

"I’m not feeling much better, but thanks for checking in. I was actually sleeping, that’s why I didn’t hear my phone. I had a nice soup, a hot shower and then went straight to bed." I said and she cocked an eyebrow.

"Charles, this dinner is important…" she began.

"So is my health. I’m a driver. I’m here to drive. And if I’m not resting, I’m not fit enough to do just that. That’s why I will go back to bed now. But thank you, really Sylvia, I appreciate it, that you came here, checking on me!" with one last smile I closed the door. I looked through the peephole and when she finally left I turned around, Lizzie looking at me.

"So, what’s going on?" she asked and I sat down next to her.

"They pissed me off. A lot. Now I do the same." I simply said when Lizzie took my hands in hers "It’s nothing, I promise."

"And that has nothing to do with Ferrari kicking me off the jet, but Carlos family was allowed? And Mattia, Laurent and Sylvia?" she asked and I was taken aback, looking at her "Carlos posted a story… that Ferrari reposted… so yeah…"

"That promo shoot was cancelled already on Monday…" I began but she shook her head.

"It’s okay. I’m not even surprised. Don’t worry about it! I’m here now. It’s the last race. Let’s make the best out of it." she smiled at me and I pulled her into my lap, kissing her soft and pillowy lips.

"Let’s make the best out of it…"

The weekend was a disaster. FP1 and FP2 looked promising. But FP3 was a mess. I began Q1 with a bad feeling and little to none confidence. And it ended sooner than hoped and planned.

"I’m out?"

"We’re out."

"No. I’m out. I fucked up. I’m sorry."

I drove back to the pits. Parked the car and got out. Apologised to everyone and left. Julie called after me but I walked off. Away. Just away. I stopped when I had no idea where I was anymore. I sat down on a box. Head in my hands. Last week I said I believed in karma, today it got served. I was becoming too cocky. Too full of myself. And too aggressive. P16. But with the 3 places grid penalty I definitely will get for impeding Carlos? P19. Rightfully so. Today I proved to literally everyone that they were right about me. I did not deserve my seat. Not when I made mistakes like today. Not when I let my emotions get the better of me. And not when I kept driving like today. I simply wasn’t good enough for F1 like this. I groaned and got up. The least I could do now was own up to my mistake.

"Julie? Can we go?" I said quietly and she turned around.

"Sure." was all she said and we walked into the media pen.

I took a deep breath when we walked first to SkyUK and Natalie Pinkham smiled at me.

"Hey Lizzie. Out in Q3 today. For the first time this season. What went wrong out there?"

"I made too many mistakes. First I tried to push too much and spun out. Then I didn’t wait for my race engineer to give me the all clear to join the track again, just drove back on, forcing Carlos to abort his fast lap, then I already had ruined my tires and returned to the pits got a set of new ones and headed out into heavy traffic and when it was time to put it all together I had a major lock up… so yeah I fucked up today. I’m sorry for my team who did everything to set me up perfectly today and I’m also sorry that Carlos had to abort his fast lap, I’m just glad that he still made it into Q2."

"One thing I, and I’m sure everyone else, noticed is that whenever you’re doing amazing on track, when you drive brilliantly, you always highlight that 'we did it' but as soon as it’s not working out as planned you switch to 'I did it, I messed up'."

"Yeah because whenever I do great on track, it’s because my team provides me with the car to do so, with the right strategies, right set-up, it’s a team effort. I’m just driving! But when something happens like today, where my team made everything right and I made a mistake, or more than one, then obviously the only one to blame is myself."

"I said it once before, you’re really harsh on yourself, aren’t you?"

"Rightfully so. There are only 20 seats available in this sport. I’m one of the lucky ones to have the opportunity and drive in F1. Others would kill for this chance. So I have to show that I’m worth of driving here, that I deserve driving here. But today I didn’t do that, today I wasn’t good enough."

"The race is tomorrow and I’m sure you’ll show your worth then!"

"I can only try my best and give 200%."

"I’m sure you will. Good luck for tomorrow, Lizzie."

"Thank you."

I walked together with Julie back in silence, I saw how she wanted to say something but always stopped herself.

"Say it." I said after a while and she looked at me for a moment.

"You’re way too hard on yourself. Don’t look at me like that. Lizzie, just because you had so many good results in the races before, even a win, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a rookie! And rookies make mistakes. It’s as easy as that. Stop dragging yourself through the mud! The media is doing that enough already! You had an amazing first half of the season! You can be proud of yourself!"

"Thank you, Julie. Really."

"I just want tomorrow to be over and then summer break here I come!" I said as I leaned against a stack of tyres.

"Oh come on! One screwed up quali isn’t the end of the world!" Matt said and I sighed.

"You still have the race where you can make up some positions!" Paul smiled at me and Matt nodded agreeing.

"Exactly! You got this! I see you tomorrow! Have a good night guys!" with that Matt left and I looked at Paul questioningly.

"You’re not driving back to the hotel with the rest of the crew?"

"No. I have a lot of pent up energy… I don’t want to go back to my hotel room…" Paul said with a grin.

"Umm okay? You’re going for a run then?"

"Hmm I don’t know? But some kind of work out for sure!" he winked at me.

"There’s a gym at the hotel? You know that, right?" I asked as a slightly annoyed Charles walked up to us.

"Can we go?" he asked without paying any attention to Paul.

"Sure. Have a good work out, Paul. See you tomorrow!" I smiled at him and Charles rolled his eyes.

"You up for a drink?" Paul asked me, but Charles shook his head.

"How very nice of you to ask, but we have a race tomorrow, so no drinks for us tonight. Good night." Charles voice was sickeningly nice. Way too nice.

"That’s not what I mea-…" Paul began but Charles had already slung his arm around my shoulder and we walked off towards the parking lot.

"That was so not you?" I said as soon as we sat in the car and Charles looked at me.

"What do you mean?"

"How you declined Paul’s invitation. That was too polite, even for you. Knowing that you seem to have kind of a problem with him."

"Sorry that I don’t really like it when another guy flirts shamelessly with my girlfriend and…"

"He’s not flirting with me! Charles we talked about him being not tired and doing some work out! How is that flirting?"

Charles stopped at a red light and looked at me intently.

"Oh my god… you- you didn’t get it?" Charles laughed.

"Stop laughing! What didn’t I get?" I pouted and he groaned.

"Cara mia, you are- you really didn’t get what he was saying!"

"Okay, can you please explain it to me then?" I was getting annoyed.

"He has pent up energy? He doesn’t want to go back to his hotel room? He wants some kind of work out? The invitation for drinks was actually just for you? Cara mia he meant the kind of work out you’re doing in a bed… oh come on Lizzie! Sex! He meant sex! He wanted to hook up with you!"

"What the fuck? What is wrong with you? Just because we talked about… no. No! You’re jealous over nothing! He didn’t mean- no!" now I really was annoyed.

"Lizzie he is flirting with you ever since he joined the team! You just don’t seem to get it!" Charles groaned.

"He’s not. Okay? End of conversation!" I looked out at the window as we stopped in front of our hotel and I got out. Not waiting for him.

"Lizzie!" Charles sighed as he followed me inside the elevator.

"When you say he keeps on flirting with me for weeks now, it would mean that I have sent him some kind of signals that he thinks that I’m available… and I didn’t do that! So no! He’s not flirting with me!" my voice was shaky. The last time someone said to me I was sending out signals and was flirting with him, although I didn’t do it, or at least thought I didn’t do it, ended up with me pressed against a wall and Diaz kissing me and…

"Hey? Lizzie? What’s going on?" Charles soft voice close to my ear made me stop my train of thoughts and just then I realised that he hugged me "Talk to me? What’s going on? You’re shaking like crazy?"

"Nothing. I’m good. Tired. Exhausted. But I’m good. Sorry. Tough day. Fucking quali." I said quietly but Charles sighed.

"When will you learn to just tell me the truth? Why are you so afraid of letting me in?" we walked to our room, Charles opening the door and letting me in first.

"There is not always a bigger or deeper problem, Charles! I’m annoyed that you think that I would entertain Paul’s flirt attempts and-"

"I didn’t say that? Lizzie, it’s just… you don’t see that he flirts with you, because- Lizzie not everyone is like you. Not everyone has this crazily mesmerising smile that makes who ever receives it feel special, I mean yeah there is another smile, that genuine one, the real one only reserved for some people, but still, your smile is almost intoxicating! And the way you act around people? You’re so carefree. Fun. The sweetest. You don’t have to send out any signals on purpose. Just your whole being is enough. And that’s nothing bad. Because you are like this to almost everyone. But most of the people get that it’s just how you are. But some people on the other hand… they just don’t care… and Paul is one of those guys. He flirts with you… like crazy."

"He’s not." I groaned and Charles rolled his eyes.

"Whatever." he mumbled and took off his jacket.

"Even if he would flirt with me, I wouldn’t care? I love you! And you know that? Why are you even worried?" I looked at him.

"Because it sucks! The way he looks at you, how he follows your every move. I’m not worried that you would do something, I’m annoyed that he thinks that he has a chance! Would he knew about me, he would stay the hell away from you!" he let out and I culled his cheeks.

"I love you. YOU. And if every single guy on this planet would flirt with me, I still wouldn’t care. They’re not you. I want you. Just you. Okay?" I smiled at him and he sighed, pressing his forehead against mine.

"Okay…" Charles said after a while and I nodded.

"Okay."

I woke up and checked the time. The alarm would go off in 25 minutes, no use to try to fall asleep again. I got up and had a shower, getting ready for the day. When I walked out the bathroom Charles sat on the bed. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Good morning, sleepy boy." I said and cupped his cheek, stroking it gently.

"Morning." he mumbled, easing into my touch "Since when are you awake?"

"Maybe half an hour? I didn’t want to wake you up, you looked so cozy." I smiled at him and he yawned.

"Would be even more cozy with you next to me." he got up, stretching his muscles before he disappeared into the bathroom to get ready. I packed my bag and as soon as Charles was ready we left, driving to the track. As soon as we entered the paddock Charles was swarmed by fans, with some fans of myself waiting as well.

"At every race there are more and more fans of yours! They finally start to support you the way you deserve it, cara mia!" Charles smiled at me as we walked to the team hospitalities.

"Yeah. I noticed that. It’s amazing, really! But also scary, because now there are even more people that I don’t want to disappoint!"

"You’re amazing! You won’t disappoint anyone! You’ll be in the points today! I know it! See you later, alright? Send me a text when you want me to show up!" he squeezed my arm and I waved him off, entering the Audi hospitality. I went straight to my room and sat down. Starting today from P19. 9 positions to points. I wish I could have as much faith in me as Charles had. But I had to at least try it. I had to give my all. And then the rest would come on its own.

"Lizzie? Your guests have arrived." Julie knocked at my door and I nodded.

"I’ll be down in a minute." I pulled over a team shirt, texted Charles and then left my room, following Julie. She stood there with a quiet handsome man and a young boy, who looked just like Elodie. His eyes wides when he saw me and I waved.

"Hi, you must be Pascal? I’m Lizzie! Your mum and sister told me a lot about you!" I stretched my hand out and he took it with a shaky hand.

"H- Hi, yeah I’m Pascal…" he said shyly and I looked at his dad.

"Hi Lizzie, thank you so much for having us here today! I’m Jacques." he offered me his hand and I shook it.

"Hi Jacques, nice to meet you!" I smiled at him and we began our little tour through the hospitality first, and then through our garage. The father son duo asking excitedly question after question. Some of them even I couldn’t answer, so I always asked someone around us to help out.

"Oh hi Lizzie, who are your guests?" Paul smiled at me as I approached him and the rest of my mechanics, working at my car.

"These are Jacques and Pascal. They are huge F1 fans!" I said and the young boy nodded.

"Who’s your favourite driver?" Paul asked.

"Charles Leclerc!" Pascal said quickly but then looked at me apologetic "And right after Charles, Lizzie!"

"It’s okay, I’ll tell you a secret, he’s my favourite driver as well." I chuckled and I could see Paul rolling his eyes out of the corner of my eyes.

"Yeah he’s not bad I guess…" he said.

"Do you want to sit in my car?" I asked and the kid jumped up and down in excitement.

"Yes! Please! That would be so cool!" he almost shouted it and I laughed, helping him in my car, explaining some of the buttons on my steering wheel.

"Dude! You can’t just walk in here like that?" I heard Paul somewhere behind me and turned around, he was blocking Charles from entering the garage.

"Actually, yes I can." Charles said, walking past him, Paul was about to say something but Matt shook his head.

"Charles is the only exception, mate, he can come and go whenever he wants." Matt explained but Paul just scoffed and walked away, mumbling some incoherent words.

"I heard there is a huge fan of me here today?" Charles asked and Pascals eyes widened, his mouth hanging open.

"Oh my god! You’re Charles! Charles Leclerc! Oh my god!" he screeched and Charles bent over, helping him out of the cockpit.

"That’s me, hi." Charles smiled and Pascal just stared at him "How did you like your little tour so far?"

"It was amazing! We’ve seen so many cool things and I was in the car and then you and Lizzie and the race! It’s so cool!" the young boys excitement was contagious.

After a big photo session and the signing of literally everything Pascal could find Charles and I had to leave for the drivers parade.

"Julie will show you where you can watch the race. You can stay here in the garage or go to the grand stand or switch in between. Whatever you want to do! I see you guys later!" I hugged Pascal one last time and then left, Charles waiting for me.

"Ready? Last race day?" he asked and I nodded.

"Ready!"

I switched everything off, shaking my head. Just a little more pace at the end and it would be P9. But at least Charles was right. I made it into the points. Barely. I sighed and saw Charles walking back to me. I unbuckled my seat belt, steering wheel out and stood up.

"P6? You were leading for a while? What happened?" I asked him as soon as I got out of my car, while he waited for me.

"A shit strategy happened." was all he said as we walked to our weighing.

"So nothing new then." I joked.

"Very funny." he was annoyed.

"I’m joking. Okay? I mean not really, but…" the look on Charles face made me stop. Before I could say anything he walked off and congratulated Max, Lewis and George and I followed him.

As soon as I hugged Max lastly I looked around for Charles, standing at the side, putting his watch and bracelets back on.

"I’m sorry, I didn’t want to tease you… it’s just, they screw you over again and again…" I began but Charles just sighed.

"I know, okay? I know! I just… I don’t want to hear it all the time!" he said and I cocked an eyebrow.

"From who? Me? You don’t want to hear it from me? Or what do you mean?" I asked.

"I know that our strategies are a mess! I’m the one who’s being screwed over by it. I don’t need to be reminded constantly! And I know that I will be as soon as this day’s over and it’s all over the media… you having said your part as well then… so I just… I don’t need to hear it twice." he groaned.

"Right. Well then I guess I better go and tell the media my opinion on how my boyfriend gets screwed over by his own team, you can read it then later on." and with that I walked off.

"Lizzie…" I heard him call out but I ignored him. Walking straight back to my garage, preparing for the interviews. Or rather preparing myself to not say anything about Ferrari, even when asked.

"What do you say about the Ferraris today?"

"They finished ahead?"

"Tyre choice?"

"Umm? I don’t know? What was with the tyres?"

"They pitted Charles for hard tyres at his second stop."

"Hard? The slow as f-… slow hard tyres? Why would they do that?

"No explanation given."

"Ferrari doing Ferrari things."

"They pitted Carlos for softs."

"Did they now? Interesting. But I don’t know what their strategy was. I don’t know what they had planned. So I can’t comment on that. Thank you."

I walked away. I already said enough. I saw Charles looking at me the whole time but did my best to ignore him. I knew that he didn’t want to let his frustration out on me. And I shouldn’t be mad about it. But something about what he said had stung. I didn’t even know what. When I returned to our hospitality I went straight into my room and got out of my suit, jumping under the shower to freshen up a little. Fully dressed I sat down next to Valtteri and our race debrief began.

"Lizzie? You’re okay?" Valtteri said after a while and I looked up. The room empty, only us two left.

"Yeah. Sure." I said and stretched a little.

"Come on, what’s going on?"

"Charles and I we had a little… I don’t even know how to call it… fight? Confrontation? Disagreement?" I sighed.

"Can I ask you something?" he looked me in the eyes and I nodded "You and Charles. Something has changed. Before Miami you never really cared how you hugged each other, or how you looked at each other. But since then? You’re more cautious. Careful with what you say, careful how to behave when you’re around each other… is that because you and Charles… are you two dating since Miami?"

"Umm- I… we didn’t- yeah. We are." I stuttered a little bit Valtteri just smiled.

"I’m happy for you guys, everyone knew that there is something special between you."

"Thanks Valtteri… but umm- as you might know, no one, or almost no one, knows about us…"

"I get that. You’re already a target for the media. Dating a fellow driver? I don’t even want to imagine how they would treat you then, considering on how they treat you already. It’s not right. They’re not right in general. What they say? Bullshit. I’ve never seen someone work this hard! You spent hours and hours in the sim to understand every little vibration of the car, you spent a lot of time with the engineers to know everything about every single part so you know on what to look while driving, to give the most detailed feedback. And then the way you’re driving? Outstanding. You’re amazing and I feel like you’re not getting the praise that you deserve."

"Okay. Stop now! You gonna make me cry!" I blushed hard. Eyes getting teary.

"Crying is nothing bad. It shows that you care. That this whole thing means something to you. That this is what you love to do most."

"I guess no one of us would be here if racing wouldn’t be our first love." I chuckled and Valtteri nodded.

"Yeah. But for you it’s not just racing. For you it’s more. It’s proving yourself over and over again. Something you shouldn’t have to do, but unfortunately with the way people are treating you… yeah. It’s a lot. But you’re doing amazing! You can be proud of yourself!"

"Thanks Valtteri! Really!" I smiled a little and he shook his head.

"This whole thing, F1, being a racing driver. It’s a lot. There are things about this life, not many know about it… it’s not all glitz and glamour. I’ve seen what people write about you. The things they call you. I know how that must make you feel. I’ve been through something similar. I got a lot of shit for my weight and how it would affect my performance… so I kinda developed an eating disorder. It was all in my early days in F1, when the pressure is this high, every little comment I would analyse and think about… so yeah, I started to work out obsessively, ate little to nothing, thinking this was the right way… but it wasn’t, of course not. So, if you ever feel like this? Like these comments weigh you down, the horrible things they say? You can always call me, okay? I don’t want you to go through the same shit like me, little one!" Valtteri looked at me sincerely and I felt tears in my eyes.

"Thank you, for sharing this with me… and thank you for being there if I need you! It’s… well I had an eating disorder myself… before my accident. It was horrible. Some comments were made and I believed them. It was all in my head, I know that now. But arg the time? No, I looked into the mirror and knew that it’s too much. Too much of everything… it was a fight, overcoming it… and even sometimes now my mind goes back to this mindset, thinking that a few pound less wouldn’t be a bad thing. But I’m in a much better place now, knowing that this voice inside my head isn’t always giving the best of advice… so I don’t listen. And if it’s hard to ignore, then I’ll talk to someone, knowing that you’re now one of these people feels good, someone who’s been through the same…"

"It really feels good to know… and now, I think we’ve earned our summer break! Come one! Let’s go!" he said and got up, pulling me off my chair and I hugged Valtteri.

"Go back to the hotel, calm down, give Charles some space and he will be by your side faster than you think!" Valtteri waved goodbye when he left the room and I took a deep breath, gathering my bag and belongings and left the track. Alone. Valtteri was right, I should give Charles a little time to cool down. He would come back to the hotel when he was ready. I took a long hot shower and ordered some food, put on a movie and snuggled into the sofa when I got a text from Kika, Pierre’s girlfriend, asking what Charles and I had planned tonight. I told her that Charles was still at the track, according to his text from earlier that he would come back late and I shouldn’t wait for him, Ferrari had a long meeting tonight. She asked if I wanted to join her and Pierre but I declined politely. I wasn’t in the mood to party. I just wanted to eat my food and watch a movie. All by myself.

Charles POV:

I sat in my room. Staring at my phone. Lizzie ignored me the whole time since after the race, not once spared me a glance in the media pen. Rightfully so. I was frustrated. I was screwed over again. Lately something that happens a lot. And I let it out on her. The only one who spoke up for me. All the time.

"Charles? We’re heading back to the hotel now? You coming?" Andreas head popped in and I shook my head.

"No, I’ll stay a little longer. See you tomorrow."

"Good night." Andrea left and I shot a short text to Lizzie. Just letting her know that it would be late until I came back. I wanted to give her some space. I left the track and drove straight to a pub. A small, dimly lit, Irish pub. Couple of streets away from our hotel. I sat down at the counter and ordered a whiskey and a beer. Not that I was a fan of it, but I needed something strong and something to wash it down. After the first whiskey, the second quickly followed. The bartender was about to hand me the third when my phone rang. Pierre. I sighed and picked up.

"Pierre."

"Charles? Where are you? Kika texted with Lizzie? Asking if you guys want to come with us partying? But you’re not with her? And she doesn’t know where you are? Where are you?"

"I don’t know. A bar. It’s nice. No one cares for me here. But you know what? It’s basically like at Ferrari. No one cares for me there as well…" I downed the third whiskey, signing to the bartender for the fourth, taking another sip of my beer.

"Ok. Umm Charles, you sound a little drunk? Are you okay?"

"I’m fine. Totally fine. The Publin is a nice place. Everyone is super friendly."

"Publin?"

"Yeah it’s funny isn’t it? It’s a mix of Pub and Dublin because it’s an Irish pub. Clever! That’s what these people are! Clever!"

"Okay, Charles, stay there and have a little more fun!"

"Will do! Have a nice evening with Kika! Tell her I really like her! You’re different with her! More laid back, fun. That’s good. Really good."

"Okay, I’ll tell her. Take care Charles!"

"Take care yourself!" I hung up right as I got the fourth whiskey "Thank you."

After a while I lost count on how many drinks I had, I just finished a beer as someone clapped on my back and I turned around.

"PIERRE! What are you doing here?" I got up and hugged him.

"Taking care that you won’t do anything stupid." he said and sat down ordering a drink.

"You’re a bit late for that." I sighed and Pierre cocked an eyebrow "Where were you after the race? Making sure I won’t let out my anger and frustration with my team on Lizzie."

"What did you do?"

"Well, my besties Sylvia and Mattia wanted that I talk to Lizzie. Make her stop criticising dear old Ferrari in public? Of course I don’t want to do that because she’s just defending me. God she’s so brave! And witty. Is that a word? Witty? If it is one, it’s Lizzie. And if not, it’s Lizzie." I took another swig of the beer, emptying it.

"So you told her off and she’s mad? I honestly can’t believe that? She would be mad at Ferrari? Not at you?"

"Yeah well I didn’t tell her. But after the race. When Sylvia saw me with Lizzie and gave me her look I just knew that she would be a pain in the ass later on, so I was frustrated, I mean the race itself was frustrating enough, but yeah I don’t know, I said something to Lizzie, that she doesn’t have to tease me now with the incapability of my team, I’ll just read it later from the news, because she will have her say in it anyways… so yeah. I’m an asshole." I closed my eyes and shook my head slightly, making my world spin.

"Oh come on, she was maybe a little mad, but that’s it."

"No. I think she was more hurt than mad? Which is even worse! Oh wait I got a text… oh it’s from Max? He’s asking where we are, they rented out the VIP area at a club…"

"Don’t you think you had enough? And also, don’t you think you should go back to Lizzie?"

"I’m giving her space! And now let’s go! The night is young! Let’s have some fun."

"I’m coming! God!" I pulled one of Charles hoodies over my head and sprinted to the door, opening it to a very drunk Charles, a smile bigger than the whole sky on his face and a very apologetic looking Pierre.

"Mon amour, I’m sorry that you are so stupid!" he slurred in a very heavily accented French "It’s not your fault! It’s Ferrari! The Scuuuderia! You know? The horse team?"

"Calamar, you just called your girlfriend stupid…" Pierre whispered while helping him on the couch.

"What? No? I meant I’m stupid? Lizzie? Stupid? She’s smart! You’re a funny guy Pierre! That’s why I like you… maybe even more!" Charles laughed and I looked at Pierre.

"What the fuck happened?"

"Umm? He got drunk? Because, his words, he’s an asshole who doesn’t deserve you? And if you would never talk to him again, he would deserve it?" Pierre said and I sighed.

"You’re a drama queen, Charles Leclerc!" I said and looked at him, while he held his hands up, making a frame and looking through it.

"No! You’re a queen! A sassy, beautiful, talented, strong, smart, sexy, oh so damn sexy, amazing and gorgeous queen! My queen!" he laughed and I blushed.

"Okay, that’s my cue to leave. Good night!" Pierre kissed my cheek and Charles whined as he walked off.

"Where’s my kiss?" he pouted and I burst out laughing.

"You heard him Pierre, where is his kiss?"

"I’m not drunk enough for that."

"Oh come on, you’re French? You basically kiss everyone all the time…" I joked and he groaned, while Charles was still pouting and making grabby hands.

"I hate you. Both." he chuckled and gave Charles a kiss on his cheek "Happy?"

"Very." Charles smiled and turned around, snuggling into the pillows "Mhhh they smell like Lizzie!"

"Yeah, I should leave!" Pierre waved one last time before he walked out and closed the door.

"Charles? Come on, let’s take a shower and then off to bed, how does that sound?" I held out my hand and he looked at it.

"Are we getting naked?" he wiggled his eyebrows, or more so he tried to.

"No, you are getting naked. I already took a shower hours ago. So up up you go." I pulled him up and he groaned. I lead him to the bathroom and helped him strip out of his clothes "Stand still! You’re worse than Liam!"

"Hey!" he pouted again and I laughed.

"It’s funny how I’m not allowed to pout while you do it quite a lot…"

"Because you look hot when you pout and I look… goofy…" he said while looking in the mirror behind me.

"Okay… whatever you say." I opened the shower door and gently pushed him in "Please sit down on the bench. I don’t want you to slip and fall. Thank you. Go ahead… I’ll be right back."

Showering and dressing up a semi drunk Charles was a task I would definitely compare to taking care of a toddler and when I finally plopped down next to Charles in the bed I was exhausted. I set my alarm and switched off the light.

"Mon amour?" Charles whispered and I heard the sheets rustling.

"Hmm?"

"I’m sorry, for what I said after the race… I shouldn’t have let my anger and frustration out on you. You out of all people… I know Ferrari said that I should tell you to stop criticising the team publicly, but I’m not doing that. You’re allowed to speak your mind… and I should be thankful that at least one person has my back and fights for me. I’m sorry… I really am."

"Charles, it’s…"

"No, it’s not okay. I should’ve never said that! I can’t even tell you how happy I am that I’m having such an amazing girlfriend! I love you, mon amour." he searched in the dark for my hand and as soon as he grasped it he pulled it to his face, kissing my knuckles.

"I love you too, Charlie. And it’s okay, really! Now sleep my pretty boy." I leaned over and kissed his cheek and he pulled me into him, my head on his chest.

I heard his heart beating beneath me, felt the slow rise and fall of his chest and after a while I heard his soft snores. I laid there for some time, sleep wouldn’t find me. I had to think of his words. Ferrari told him to shut me up? To tell me to stop criticising them publicly. Probably even threatened him with repercussions, just like I knew Sylvia. Maybe I should tone my criticism down a little. Or at least I could try it. A tender kiss on my forehead made me realise that Charles was awake and I tilted my head up a little.

"You think so loud, I couldn’t sleep…" he whispered in the dark and I chuckled.

"I’m sorry! I just… I’m just so happy that it’s summer break now. I really need to reset."

"I know. It was a crazy first half of the season. The next 3 weeks are just about us. Our families. Our friends. Sun. Beach. Fun. Relaxation."

"And you’re still not telling me what you have planned?"

"Just know that the first week will be family time. We’re all together!" another kiss on my forehead.

"Sounds good."

"Yep, it does."

"Summer break. Here we come."

Little Note:

Chapter 22 - a little filler chapter with not much happening besides the Ferrari drama… next chapter: SUMMER BREAK. Sun. Fun. Fluff. A lot of fluff. No really. SO. MUCH. FLUFF. (and maybe a little … ?)

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