#i mean I feel like a greedy selfish hateful person who’s never loved anything or anyone | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

idontknowmyownmind · 2 years

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Hi, this post is my little rant as a part of Tokyo Revengers fandom. I joined the fandom a bit later after the anime finished being released. Since the beginning, I already dislike Takemichi. Please note that I DO NOT hate him, hate is such a strong word. He is just my least favourite character. What frustrated me in this fandom is Takemichi's fans. I don't say that all of you are the same but from my experience and interaction with most of them, it's not something nice on my side.

One of example is how I commented on someone post in youtube about their opinion on the series. And I put a bit of mine in the comment section. Then this person replied to my comment, stating that I blame Takemichi for the others future. Which I never typed that. I just share my opinion on the story and some reason why I dislike Takemichi depite he is the main character. One, in my eyes, he is incompetent. Two, he doesn't think about the consequences and the affect his action will bring to the others. Three, he doesn't get his priorities straight. Who the hell he want save at first and how it can easily change in the middle of his adventure. Four, he is greedy. Which I can tolerate because every MC have a greedy side.

I explained that I never blame Takemichi. I just stated that I dislike how he executes his plans and choices. Then they replied again asking what if I am in Takemichi's place and how shouldn't we see the end of our promise? (I'm not sure I got it right). Why the hell do they mention that?

Well, new flash people. If I'm in his place then I wouldn't care about Hina at all. Sure I'll probably be taken back when I see the news of her death, but it's just that. I wouldn't feel anything stronger than that. It's been years we haven't contacted each other, we don't even keep in touch at all. That just means she is not that important. So what if she is my ex? She will be that one love story of my youth that might be a happy memory but irrelevant in my adult/current life.

And if I did end up in the past. I will probably try to make my life better. Might keep making the same mistakes or try anything new. I wouldn't be thinking about other people's lives. I don't even have my life short out and you want me to save others? Don't make me laugh. Call me selfish or cowardly but it's my life, I can do whatever I want with it.

I ignore their next reply because it's not worth my time to keep 'arguing' with them. And that's not the first and last time it happened. And it was always with similar responses. As if just because Takemichi is the MC everyone will like him 🙄

Oh, one thing. If you found me liking or reblogging TokRev post that has Takemichi in it, don't think to much about it. I may be dislike him, but I don't hate him and I definitely not blind. I know how to appreciate a good post or art even though they may contain a topic or character I dislike. I'm not gonna give people hate just because they have different opinion and preference than me. I know I'm better than that. Thank you very much.

#tokyo revengers #hanagaki takemichi #my rants

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elliot-needs-sleep · 6 months

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Poetry dump for the last little bit!

How? (On friends)

How do I get myself out of this rut

How do I rethink who I am

Because I think I know who I am, but they think differently

I think I'm useless, worthless, a complete waste of space

They think I'm amazing, brilliant

I think I'm a horrible person and that I deserve every bad thing thats ever happened to me

They think I'm sweet and that karma will give me my good eventually

I think I'm selfish and greedy

They think I'm selfless and giving

I think I'm a monster and all I do is hurt people

They think I'm worth loving

How do I take all this to heart

How do I fix my perception of self

Because I could be right to everybody else, even myself, and they would never change their mind

----

Dear Mom. (On how my mom raised me)

Dear Mom.

You gave birth to me, a beautiful baby girl, and you had hope that I would have a better life then you did. That you would raise me differently then your mom did.

You let me loose in the country, a tiny rampaging child, to get my scars and my stripes, to be independent.

You bought me my school supplies, dressed me, cleaned up after me, and fed me.

You didn't deal with my concerts, recitals, anything I was excited about. You didn't put me in sports or extracurriculars. That was all your mom.

You let my dad let me down again and again and again. And you let me trust him again.

You told me I was a liar when I told you what had happened to me.

You let me think both my grandmothers were right when one said she hated me and the other told me I was useless and I would never do anything with my life.

You blamed all of your problems on me.

You were too busy getting high and spending all of your time in a fucking crack house to realize I needed you, and your solution was to give me weed and tell me to stay home.

I became an adult at 15 because I had to learn everything on my own.

All you ever did for me since grandma died was teach me who I didn't want to become.

----

Emotions (On my lack of emotions and emotional regulation)

I know emotions, feelings

Anger is a blood red. It burns and burns and consumes me from the inside until there is nothing left of me but ashes.

Happiness is light orange. It warms me like a small fire in the darkness that often consumes me.

Sadness is a baby blue. A colour with no depth, the colour of hospital gowns and masks.

Depression is navy blue. A colour with nothing but depth. It envelopes me like the night and it seems to me like there's no way out.

Love is yellow, a light yellow. Like a streetlight at night. It glows in the night, guiding me back home.

Jealousy and Envy are both sickly green, a mix of yellow and green. They make me feel nauseous and angry and sad.

I know these feelings and I know them well.

But most of what I feel is seen in varying shades of grey.

I can't decipher what they mean to me.

So instead I just choose to feel the gray.

The nothing.

I know emotions, I know feelings.

But I feel nothing at all.

----

Loveable, Until (On a past relationship)

I try to reason with myself

If I get better, they'll love me

If I change my interests, they'll love me

If I get surgery, go on t, they'll love me

If I do this, if I do that, etc etc

But they won't

I can never be what they want me to be

I can never be what they need

I will always be too damaged, too weird, too much

I will always be 'the best until they find someone else'

I will always be

Loveable, until someone else comes along

#elliotsthoughts #poetry

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emptyheart2010 · 1 year

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vent

i'm so tired.

i'm tired of living. i'm tired of wanting to die. i'm tired of hating my body.

i wish i wasn't so exhausted. all the things i used to love i don't anymore. my friends. my hobbies. all i want to do it cut and cry and stare into nothing but i can't because the world is neverending and i've never given enough.

i'm tired of hating her, and hating myself because i hate her and hating myself because i love her. i gave her everything and she took it all. i gave her everything and she didn't even want it, but now that i've got nothing left to give, she wants it back.

i'm tired of losing them. everyone i love, i push away or they push me away, because there's no reason to stay. maybe that's why i'm trying to befriend him, because he doesn't know how broken i am, because he sees me as a normal person instead of a shattered fucking monster.

she took my best friend away from me. the only person i could really trust. i hate them when they're with her but they're always with her so i guess i have to hate them now?

they say i'm not trying, i'm too forgetful, i'm lazy, i'm selfish, i'm greedy, i'm emo, i'm trying too hard, i'm weird, i'm giving too much of myself, just fucking make up your mind what's wrong with me tell me what i'm doing wrong so i can fix it because i can't be myself.

i don't remember who i was before depression and anxiety. i don't remember who i was before i stopped being anyone. was i ever anyone? did i ever matter to any of them?

V never talks to me anymore. i get it, she's busy and she was never good at keeping in contact, but her birthday's in a week and i didn't even get an invitation. i can't tell if she hates me or if i'm just reading too much into a situation that doesn't even matter.

people say your teenage years are the best years of your life, but if this is the best i don't want to live and grow up to something worse than this. how could anything be worse than this. i'm only 13 and i spend every day wishing i had the courage to cut my wrists or the means to fall asleep and never wake up.

i liked a girl from swimming. i thought maybe she liked me back. turns out she has a crush on a straight girl, and it doesn't matter how much i want to give her everything, because she'll never take it.

i feel like i'm going crazy. i feel like they hate me. i wish i could just say how i feel but how do i explain this? i can barely even speak in front of people in real life. i can barely even look them in the eye.

i can't stand physical contact. every time they touch me i want to rip my skin off. i can do clothing, but that's it. i keep my hands in my sleeves so i can pretend i'm somewhere safe, but i'm never safe. i can't feel safe. i can't trust. i don't know what i'm doing wrong but i just want someone to tell me how to fix this. how to fix me.

he makes me feel safe. i get so attached to people on the slightest sign of kindness. he was the first person who acknowledged i existed at my new school, who knew my name. who smiled at me and for a moment, i was okay. that was 3 years ago now and i'm still attached. every once and a while we'll work on a project together and we;ll get along great and talk and then the project ends and we go back to being strangers. i tried to change that but he hasn't responded and it's been 24 hours and i think he hates me now. i don't know what i'm doing wrong, why can't i just hold up a normal conversation? it's not like i have a crush on him, but i don't know how to explain my attachment to my friends so i can't even talk to anyone about it. i don't know how to explain that i feel safer with him than i do with any of them.

i don't know how to tell them to stop. to stop hitting me, to stop hurting me, to stop blaming me. she always plays the victim as a joke, but it makes me want to choke her until she's turning blue, then maybe she'll really be the victim, maybe then they'll take me away and fix me.

my parents want to expand my room. i don't know how to explain to them that i only feel safe when i'm small. they'll look at me like i'm crazy and then i'll just be i dont even know. i already feel like i'm drowning when my mom's around. i wish they'd get divorced so that i could just stay with my dad, they hate each other anyways, they're only good when the other isn't around. as a family we don't work but as pairs we do, maybe they could fix things if they spent enough time apart.

part of me wants to attempt suicide just so that they feel like it's their fault. part of me wants to do it because i feel like no one who matters will believe that i'm struggling every day until i do. i hate that part of myself more than i hate the other parts, partially because i can't deny that part of myself. the part that's so drained and so angry that i want everyone around me to hurt so that they can feel the pain i feel.

there's a kid in the grade below me who reminds me of myself. he's a good friend. i feel like he's the only one who hasn't given up on me yet. if he feels anything like i feel, he can't give up on me because he sees it too, what he'll become, and if he gives up on me he gives up on himself. that kid's gonna have a bright future if he can make it through high school. i could, too, if i cared about anything anymore. i would do anything to protect him, to save him from being like me. but i know i can't, that it's already too late. but maybe i can lessen the blow. carry some of the weight. be there for him when no one was there for me.

there's more, but i'm out of time. my mom's calling me.

i just want to be okay.

#vent tag #tw: sh #tw: depressive episode #tw: anxiety #tw: sucidal ideation #im sorry

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marybeatriceofmodena · 3 years

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You know, I’ve been thinking today about how Alina doesn’t even really work as a Reluctant Hero, compared her to Frodo to see the key differences (since Frodo is pretty much the Poster Child for the Reluctant Hero), and then I realized...

You know, I think L/eigh B/ardugo wrote TGT as a very black-and-white fairytale, where Alina is the princess, Mal’s the knight in the shining armor, and the Darkling is basically the dragon, except it doesn’t really work because the worldbuilding requires an approach that’s... a lot more grey?

The thing is, though, I realized... Alina and Mal are basically meant to be Frodo and Sam. Except that, again... it doesn’t really work.

Frodo works as a Reluctant Hero, because he makes it clear multiple times that he doesn’t want to carry the Ring. He asks Gandalf to do it for him, he asks Galadriel, he asks Aragorn, and they all refuse, because they are (or are called to be) in a position of power, and while them being in a position of power is presented as good, the One Ring essentially represents the fast, easy way to get to it, which will ultimately corrupt them rather than have them fight their way towards their goal.

Frodo, meanwhile, is the right person to carry the Ring, because he comes from a humble place and he doesn’t really have any aspirations to become powerful. And while he’s clearly burdened by having to carry the One Ring, and that he makes it clear that he wishes the Ring had never come to him, he still goes on anyway, despite all the hardships he faces, because his ultimate goal is to save the Shire and his friends, and that desire is stronger than any fear or greed he may have.

Now, J.R.R. Tolkien himself said that he didn’t really see Frodo as THE Hero, and that Sam is the real Hero of the story to him. Which makes sense, given how Sam was based off young men from rural England he met while fighting in World War I. But also, the story makes it very clear that without Sam, who’s arguably the most pure-hearted person in all of Middle-Earth, Frodo would have definitely failed in his task. The reason why he resists the temptation to carry the One Ring is LITERALLY because him protecting and helping Frodo is more important to him. Sam doesn’t give two shits about power. Helping Frodo save the Shire and coming back to everything he’s ever loved is more important to him.

Both Alina and Frodo are pure-hearted orphans who are given tremendous power: Alina is the Sun Summoner, and Frodo carries the One Ring. In both cases, power is represented as a corruptive force, that makes people go mad with greed. It works in the context of The Lord of the Rings, given how the rings were given to leaders of Elves, Dwarves and Men, and that Sauron created the One Ring to rule over and control all of them. The Grisha, on the other hand, unlike the Ring-bearers, are not in a position of power, given they are essentially victims of Fantastic Racism in pretty much every country. While Ravka treats them slightly better than in Fjerda or Shu Han, it’s still not ideal and it’s something that could be taken away from them at any moment. It would be an entirely different matter if the Grisha were the ones rulling over Ravka and viewing otkazat’sya as lesser, and in that context, Alina being the Sun Summoner would be a very obvious road to her becoming corrupted.

Frodo refusing to carry the One Ring and asking other people to take that burden from him comes from a place of genuine fear of what the Ring might do to him. In his place, we’d probably all do the same thing. That’s what makes his acceptance of his task all the more admirable. Alina, on the other hand, refuses to be the Sun Summoner and to help her fellow Grisha because that stands in the way of her ending up with Mal. She never gives any sign that she’s truly empathizing with the Grisha’s plight, she tries to run away not once, but twice, and most importantly, she never sees herself as one of them. They are othered, but it matters little to her, because she doesn’t want to be othered herself, because that stands in the way of her running off with a boy. It’s basically the equivalent of Frodo being overcome by fear after seeing the fate of the Shire in Galadriel’s mirror, and just demanding to be sent to the Grey Havens straight away to save his own ass from it all and just leaving the One Ring to whoever wants to deal with it. At that point, it’s not being a Reluctant Hero: it’s being a coward at best, a selfish bastard at worst.

(And that’s why I don’t really buy her when she tells Aleksander that they could have had it all if he had told her all the truth from the start, because... again, she didn’t seem to care about the Grisha that much and Aleks telling her everything would have actually been a sure way of having her run as fast as possible the other way. I know the story is trying to tell me otherwise and that the plot point I’m supposed to see here is that Alina was willing to do something until she felt betrayed by Aleks, which is... not what was shown here, and it’s especially annoying considering how Alina is a deserter in every sense of the word, and that any army would have court-martialed her for running away.)

So if Alina is meant to be a pure, selfless heroine, who loses her powers because she also refuses to be greedy... that just falls completely flat, because if anything, she’s as selfish as Frodo is selfless, because all of this really just boils down to her wanting to run off with Mal.

Now, onto Sam and Mal. Both of them are basically Everymen who are there to help the Hero and keep their feet on the ground. As mentioned earlier, Sam is the one who helps Frodo finish his mission to Mordor, and the story makes it clear Frodo would have failed without him. TGT meanwhile presents Mal as Alina’s “True North”... which could work on paper as Alina’s reminder to temper Aleksander’s efforts and to remind him that in order for Grisha to be viewed as people, it is important for them to also remember that balance and peace between Grisha and otkazat’sya will be essential, so resentment and hatred can be healed between both groups.

The key difference here is that Sam is completely supportive of Frodo at all times. Even when Frodo sends him away in the film, Sam goes back after him the minute he realizes he’s been tricked by Gollum. He never shames Frodo whenever he falls prey to temptation, he simply reminds him of who he is and what he must fight for, and even when he’s climbing Mount Doom, he still carries Frodo on his back despite being probably completely exhausted, because Frodo’s more exhausted than he is. He completely accepts Frodo as both his friend, the Hobbit from the Shire, and the Ring-bearer he needs to help, even if he might die in the process.

Mal (in the books, that is) makes it very clear that he does not accept Alina as both the girl he knew and the Sun Summoner. He only wants the girl, and whenever Alina makes steps towards being the Sun Summoner, he basically sulks and yells at her for not paying attention to him. Despite Alina becoming othered in the eyes of the world, he refuses to see her as othered, mostly because it is inconvenient to him rather than because he loves her for who she is. That’s why in the end, people feel like Alina lost her powers in order to be with Mal, because Mal would never accept her in her entirety. Sam, on the other hand, accepts Frodo as both Ring-bearer and Hobbit, because if he didn’t, Frodo would have failed.

And while they made Mal in the show a lot nicer than his book counterpart, he still doesn’t work as Alina’s “True North”, because he cossets her in her selfishness. He may say he doesn’t care about how Alina is a Grisha in this one, but he also doesn’t consider the implications of it all - which is especially glaring given he’s a soldier himself. Like, look, if you’re going to slap in a racism plotline to make Mal/ina work, you’d think that being half-Shu would give Mal a little awareness that people are going to treat Alina badly for being half-Shu AND a Grisha, and given Alina is the MOTHERFUCKING SUN SUMMONER AND A SAINT, maybe, just maybe he’d tell her: “Heh, it’s kinda lame we’ll just run off and let everyone else in the dust, you know, especially since we could make our lives as well as everyone else’s better?” Seriously, if you’re going to make Mal Alina’s “True North”, have him face her duties and her calling whether she likes it or not, don’t coddle her when she wants to run the other way because she wants to hide under a rock for the rest of her life.

With all that being said, that leaves us with the Darkling, who... I mean, given his whole schtick is that power corrupts and makes you evil and crazy, I guess that makes him Gollum, but sexy.

Gollum, but sexy.

That single expression has been haunting me ever since I started writing the above novel and I fucking hate it. You’re welcome. No one wanted Sexy Gollum. Absolutely no one. Fuck this shyte. See, this is why I want Darkling Redemption. I do not want to live in a world where Gollum is sexy. I need brain bleach.

Even here it doesn’t even fucking work because Gollum hid in a cave with the Ring with a strategically placed cloth because no one wants to see his crusty ass family jewels anyway, while Aleks worked his ass off to give the Grisha a safe place to live and to at the very least ensure they’re useful enough to not be killed like animals. Like, if you’re going to give the world something that’s gonna definitely not make me sleep tonight like Sexy Gollum, at least do it right.

#now i have thoroughly traumatized myself :)#anti grishaverse #anti leigh bardugo #anti mal #anti malina #darklina #alarkling #rants and reviews

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nakachuchu · 3 years

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Heartbreak | Fushiguro Megumi

SYNOPSIS: How he feels after the break-up.

READER: gender neutral

WORDS: 852

WRITTEN: 03/21/2021

He missed you, but he had no right to miss you after he broke up with you.

He missed seeing you in his room playing with his divine dogs. He missed you snapping your fingers in front of his face whenever he stared into space. He missed the way your tongue stuck out whenever you played games on your phone.

Most importantly, he missed your smile.

Even after the break-up, he found himself often possessive and jealous of his classmates who were able to make you smile.

He had no right to feel that way—not when he was the one who caused this mess.

He wasn't in the right state of mind when he broke up with you. He was feeling inferior and useless and lashed out at you, even though you did nothing.

It wasn't your fault he felt useless after the fight with Hanami. Knowing that his classmates saved him once again—when it was supposed to be the other way around—pissed him off.

You were always there for him when he felt that way in the past. You were there for him when Tsumiki was bedridden for the first time.

When he closed his eyes, he could clearly remember the moment he broke up with you.

You were comforting him, just like you always did because you cared for him. Your hands were on his bicep, consoling him and trying to make him smile and laugh.

It had always worked in the past, so why shouldn't it work this time, right? He didn't understand why he was so angry, but he was.

He snapped at you and pushed you away from him, claiming that your touch disgusted him. He said he wanted to be left alone and your mere presence disgusted him.

You knew he didn't mean that, but it still hurt. Even then, you didn't leave. You didn't touch him, but you continued to try to console him.

You didn't leave until he screamed at you, telling you that he hated you—that he never wanted you.

He didn't realize his mistake until the next day.

He wanted to apologize, but he knew it wouldn't have changed anything—not when you were already pointedly ignoring him.

You didn't fall out of love with Megumi, but he hurt you and you didn't want something like that happening again.

You had been through a lot with him. He didn't wear his heart on his sleeve like you and he preferred to keep his emotions and thoughts in as a way to protect himself.

Seeing you smile and not be the source of it hurt him deeply.

He stayed up at night, simply staring at his ceiling and thinking about you. What could he do to make it right? Did he even deserve you? No, he knew he didn't.

From the first moment he allowed himself to date you because he liked you too, he knew he didn't deserve you.

You were so sweet and kind, always eager to give. You were a good person, and he wasn't. It was as simple as that.

His divine dog whined, snapping Megumi out of his reverie. He leaned down and pressed his forehead against the divine dog, ruffling his fur.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

He heard faint knocks on his door and he opened the door, eyes widening at the sight of you in front of him.

You glanced at him and down at the box you were carrying. He glanced down and noticed it was his stuff that you had borrowed.

It was mainly his clothes that you kept stealing from him.

"I came to return these to you," you whispered.

"Y/N—"

"I know," you whispered. "But it's better than this way."

He pursed his lips. "Okay."

What else was he supposed to say when you had made up your mind already? He was going to respect your wishes because it was the least he could do.

You gave him a weak smile when he took the box from your hands. You looked down when you heard the soft whines of the divine dog.

You smiled and knelt to play with him, ruffling his fur and kissing his head.

"I missed you too," you murmured.

Megumi wished you would say that to him instead of his divine dog. He was being selfish and greedy, and he didn't want to be when it came to you.

You deserved the best, after all.

You stood after kissing the divine dog one last time and looked at Megumi.

"I'll see you around?" you asked.

He nodded, and you left.

He watched you walk down the hallway until you disappeared around the corner. He stared down at the box of his clothing before stepping back and closing the door with his foot.

He put the box down on the floor and sat down next to it. He picked up one of his sweaters, then brought it to his nose. He sniffed it and he could tell you had worn it recently.

His divine dog whimpered and licked his eyes and cheeks.

"Huh?"

He didn't even realize he was crying.

#jujutsu kaisen x reader #Fushiguro Megumi x reader #sfw

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animeyanderelover · 3 years

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Hiiiii

Sebastian and Ash for prompt 124.

Ty :)

I normally only write for one person. But this prompt seemed to fit just too well for both of them so I did both. But due to that it became more of a short scenario which I hope is still fine.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessiveness, obsessiveness, delusions, paranoia, kidnapping, self-harming, blood, mentioning of sexual themes

Prompt 124: “I crave you so much that my body hurts.”

Sebastian Michaelis

Humans. Petty and greedy creatures, only there to offer him, a being from the darkness a nice meal when his hunger got the best of him. In his long life he had met all kind of people, had made contracts and served loyal until the end and in return he had gotten the soul of his master. But never once in his life had he felt something or something akin to a bond to them. There had been times where he had been surprised by how amazingly sinister they could be, his current master was the best example for this.

Love was an unfamiliar and rare feeling for his kind, their non-beating hearts not able to emotionally produce or understand it. And Sebastian had never really minded that he never felt something. In his mind love was overestimated, people always tending to talk highly about ho noble this emotion was and how far people were ready to go when being in love with someone.

And yet he had witnessed and sensed it so many times, the unfaithfulness in the human's heart, a desire to only look after their own well-being and pleasure, not caring about their partner's feelings. It truly was disgraceful to watch it, how people were only driven by their own selfish love, making the crow demon doubting that something like love was even needed. It was almost a bit amusing to see how deperately many people searched for love in society. He had never seen the use in love, something he had no experience with. Nearly all the demons were the same.

And yet there were a few of his kind who had fallen in love. It happened rarely, but the ones who did, had told that this feeling was the best thing they had ever experienced, better than the most delicious soul, a true blessing to experience for sinning creatures like this. Some had fallen with other demons, a few with other magical creatures, some even with humans. It was an incredibly uncommon phenomenon, that a demon was able to fall in love. And so Sebastian had never given it much thought, not believing that it would happen to him. The thought of him being in love had at one point even be laughable for him. What was love even worth for.

Everything. Love was worth everything. It was a sweet addiction, making someone's mind foggy and the whole body tingling with a warm and weird sensation. It had given him somwthing he had never felt before in his life, so many emotions all at once hitting him that it had been at first a bit overwhelming for him. But even back then he had known that he could not hate the source of his complex and new emotions. How could he possibly hate such a lovely human like you, someone who had melted the ice around his heart, someone who's soul was absolutely radiating? How could he have not fallen in love with you?

Precious. That was the perfect word to describe you. You meant everything to the demon and just now he had started gaining a bit more understanding for the demon's definition of love. Now he understood what the quotes doing absolutely anything for your mate and the feeling of belonging. He could not imagine being without you anymore, not after witnessing the fatal addiction love had.

Such a perfect and beautiful being, and all just for him. Even now that he held you in his arms, basking and savoring the close contact with you and you were shaking with fear, he still thought of you as perfect, as someone who he would protect under all means necessary. You were such a fragile human, scared out of your mind, not daring to look in the face of your captor.

It wasn't like your fear was indifferent to Sebastian, it hurt him a bit to see you being afraid of him that much. But he knew that it was a normal reaction for someone who had been just kidnapped by a non-human being. He was capable of so much, had destroyed whole cities in his past and slaughtered humans on command of his master. And yet, whist gazing at you, feeling how your body was trembling in his embrace, he could not even in his wildest dreams imagine to ever hurt you or let you go.

He had patience with you, he knew that it was only a question of time until you would stop looking at him like some sort of monster. He would ensure to wrap you around his fingers and make you fall in love with him just like you had done it with him.

"W-why me?" Your voice was broken, silent like the one of a mouse and yet it was such a pretty sound in his ears, despite the anxiety in those two words. A smile started adoring his features, feeling a by now familiar rush of warmth shooting through his body, something that he never stopped getting tired off.

You flinched when you felt his one hand starting to trace your cheek in an adoring manner, freezing when you felt him shifting closer to you, desiring even more intimacy with you than you two already had before.

You shrinked together when you felt his head nudging yours in a loving manner, goosebumps rising on your skin when you felt him inhaling deeply your scent. He was relaxed in this moment, feeling more tranquility than he had ever had in his whole life. And all that by only being able to hold you like this, giving his body and himself what he had wanted the moment you had sparked the ever-growing flame in his heart.

"I crave you so much that my body hurts." You would come to terms of loving him, he was confident in it. You just needed a bit of time. Your scent made him a bit dizzy, not being able to suppress the want to place a soft kiss on your neck, making you jerk startled back a bit.

Silence fell over you two after that, Sebastian continuing to press you against his body in a possessive manner, watching how your breath became over time more and more calm and steady as you fell into a half-decent sleep. He favored such moments a lot. He loved it to just adore you without having to keep noticing how frightened you really were. You were such a endearing little being, someone he would keep safe, no matter the cost.

Ash Landers

He was ignomnious, a disgrace for someone like you. He didn't deserve this, he was not worthy of such a blessing called you. How could he even dare of ever touching you, someone who illuminated every being, including him? How could he even ever dream about being worthy enough to feel you, thinking about your pure and soft skin, about things which were forbidden for him. He was merely a slave for you, nothing more and nothing less.

He was in pain, in very much. His body was in pain, Ash being in a terrible form, standing in great contrast in how he usually appeared in front of you. You did not deserve to suffer under his permanent misery. Someone like you should not have to bother with how pathetic he really was, you were fated for much more greater things. He didn' expect you in the slightest bit to care for him, he was after all nothing in comparison to you. The only thing he had to ensure that you were kept safe and soundly, nothing even being able to touch you in any way. That was his one and only job he had to do, his reason to live, his master whom he would gladly sacrifice his life for over and over again.

So why? Why was he feeling like this? What was this weird emotion rushing through his whole body, making him picture things that had him crying in agony? This burning desire, the imagination of your bare skin pressed against his, the undeniable wish to feel your hands caressing his body. What was this? Never before had he felt this much agony, feeling like his body was being burned, having to suffer from a throbbing pain in his lower regions. What was he thinking? How could he betray you like this, picturing lewd imagines of you so shamelessly? Hadn't he sworn to protect you and your innocence?

And yet no physical pain seemed to help him with his problem, the burning of his own fingernails scratching his skin bloody and the deep stab wounds made by his own epee were nothing in comparison to this lust, this sinful pleasure, shooting through his body. The pain even made him feel a rush, giving him a sudden adrenaline kick in which he became incredibly hyper-aware of his entire surroundings. When exactly had he sunken this low?

He was crying, keeping his sobs down since he didn't want to annoy or disturb you because of his shabbiness. Blood was surrounding him, his normally glowing pale skin being covered with red and sticky liquid, markings and wounds, even his flesh being visible due to the extreme scratching. And yet it still wasn't enough, he was still not able to overwrite the much more intense emotions lurking in his heart, body and mind. He despised it and yet at the same time he found himself yearning for so much more from you.

He was in absolutely no position to demand anything from you, he didn't have the right to do so. But he was sure that if you would ever touch him in a way, he would be shot far past beyond sinful and guilty pleasure, experiencing a white-blazing emotion. He was pityful, wanting desperately something he kept denying himself to have. He had turned long ago into a mess, being torn apart between his morals and duty and his own wishes and needs.

But there was no time to waste right now, not with the sun slowly starting to set up. He had to prepare breakfast and help you with dressing up, feeling again this lustful tingling in his core which made him sobbingly scratching deeper in a few of his wounds, his body sending waves of pain to his brain which he wasn't able to register fully. But it still didn't even begin to excuse his crimes of tainting you only for his own shameful needs and fantasies. Nothing would ever make it okay. The only thing he could at least make sure to not be worthless completely was to continue serving you with all his heart and punishing himself whenever he had committed yet another sin.

He was good in ignoring all the pain he felt whenever he moved even the slightest bit, he did not want you to see his true abjectness. You were far too pure to have to bother with all the fresh and older wounds which were placed all over his upper and lower part of his body. He knew that all of them healed very quickly given the fact that he was an angel, so in order to keep control and to make up for his sins he repeated this long sessions of his almost daily.

But he was talented in bandaging and dressing himself so you would never have to notice just how impotent he really was. He made sure of it, never leaving a stain on his uniform, never moving like he was in pain and never even letting an expression of agony cross his face. What would you think of him?

You looked amazing, no matter the situation. This thought crossed Ash's mind every time he saw you just like in this moment. The large and warm blanket was covering the biggest part of your body, only your head and neck were sticking out. Your hair was all the slightly disheveled, your shoulders rising in a steady rhythm whenever you breathed in and out, accompanied by soft noises you made.

He felt himself tearing up, gratitude flooding all his senses. He was very well aware that he did not deserve calling himself your guardian angel, he had brought shame on you through his actions and thoughts. And yet you had never once punished him for it, never once pointed it out to him. You had fully accepted him by now, enjoying his company and even wasting your precious time with him, talking to him and wanting his presence. You were so incredibly kind to him, he did not deserve this, he did not deserve you.

The sunshine had by now started shining through your window, shining on your skin and pointing it's beautiful color out, it's softness and every other small and beautiful detail. It was distracting Ash, his hands almost twitching. Why did this happen again? Why now when you were sleeping so beautifully like this? He stepped a bit closer, eyes observing everything, from your figure hidden under your blanket to the part of your body which was fully exposed to him. It was too tempting for him, his body almost hurting him with how much he wanted to touch you without his gloves on, just to feel the warmth on your skin.

He hurriedly turned around, not able to endure this much longer and quickly wiping his tears with his sleeves away. He didn't want them to accidentally drop anywhere near you. This was just a sign of how lowly he had fallen, how often he had already given in to his zestfulness. "I crave you so much that my body hurts." Those words were whimpered out quietly without him even intending to speak out what was on his mind. It made him tense up, eyes instantly shooting to you. If you had heard him he was convinced he would beg for you to let him punish himself with something far worse then an epee and his fingernails.

He relaxed a bit when noticing that you were still not awake, still somehwere in your dreamland. How could he have been so careless to say something like this in your presence? What would you have done if you would have heard him? He knew it, he would have been abandoned by you, he was sure of it. After all, why would you ever even consider being that generous with him and letting him suffer sweetly? No, no, you had to be protected fom everyone and everything. Even him.

#yandere black butler #yandere kuroshitsuji #yandere sebastian #yandere sebastian michaelis #yandere ash #yandere ash landers

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diavolosthots · 3 years

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Hey man so idea. Some angst with mammon when he realizes he might not be a good choice for mc because of his financial issues and then mc telling him that it's ok.

Its 12:03 am which means my day off is over so here is this

Warning: VERY MILD angst-> happy ending

Greed and Money (MAMMON X GN!READER)

Greed. The word is most often associated with money, but greed can be so much more than that. Greed can be for power, or knowledge, or even something as simple as food and exercise. You can be greedy for a sense of family, or your life’s purpose. Greed, by definition, is the intense, and more often than not, selfish desire for something; a desperate need or yearn to have something, to own it, that anything that stands in the way of it, can and most likely will be eliminated. Greed is one of the seven major sins and by far one, if not the, worst temptation to fall under, as a human being. Greed can most often be seen in political figures, or people with immense wealth, but one could also argue that Stephen Hawking was greedy for knowledge. The Avatar of Greed himself, however, falls very much into the main category; greedy for money and immense wealth.

Mammon finds it hard to strive away from shiny things and Grimm, when in his mind, he could have it all. Of course, this has caused a major strain on his family and how they treat him. He’s very much the black sheep within the family, something you took very quick note of, and that’s why you decided to take him under your wing. At first, he was repulsed by that for many reasons. Things like, “I can handle myself (Y/N)!” or ,” I ain’t weak! I got this!” quickly became repeated phrases every time he was around you. Deep down, however, he came to actually like it. He liked that you cared enough about him to check up on him. Compassion and being cared for is something he hasn’t felt in at least a millennia, or so it seems, so moments with you quickly became his favorites.

He began to fall for you shortly after too. At first, he reigned back, thinking that maybe he just liked the attention you gave him, but really, it was so much more than that. He loved the way your hands always grabbed onto him when you laughed, or the way your eyebrows lifted when he told a story that may or may not be complete and utter bullshit. He liked the way you laid your head on his shoulder and literally and figuratively kicked him in the ass on certain days, but as much as you seemed to like him and accept him, he can’t help but feel like he would be an issue to you in the long run. A burden. Just another responsibility you would have to handle. “H-hey… uhm…” and talking about how he felt just seemed so ridiculously hard, too. You’d look at him with these concerned puppy eyes and he immediately feels bad and quickly makes up a lie about how Satan tried to trip him down the stairs instead of talking about what’s actually going on.

But he can’t hold it out much longer, not if he wants this relationship to become serious, but he was so scared. You always said you didn’t care about his Avatar, but he hated that you had that mindset because he IS his Avatar, and his Avatar is him. “(Y/N)...” he tried to start this conversation with you for the uptenth time already, but your eyes immediately had that wave of concern inside of them and he hated that so much, “what’s wrong? Did they say something again?” he didn’t deserve such genuine concern, not right now at least. “No just… just listen, will ya?” That only gave you more of a concerned look and now he’s confused as to what to do because if he keeps on you’ll worry your pretty little head off and he doesn’t want that, but if he doesn’t continue on then he’ll walk around with that thought in mind for a really long time before it ever gets brought up again.

“Listen I…. I ain’t the saint ya make me out to be… I know I mess up, and sometimes I believe that what my brothers say is true a--!” “Stop. No it’s not.” You interrupted him, determined to get that thought out of his head because you were not about to let this amazing person have a depressive episode over nothing. “You’re an amazing older brother, and an amazing brother to Lucifer, no matter what he says. They can be harsh, yes, but I know they lo--!” “(Y/N)!” He didn’t mean to raise his voice and he heard too late that it had echoed off the walls and reached his ears again so he quickly took your hands in his to soothe both him and you, “that ain’t it. Just listen. What I’m tryin’ t’say is that I know I steal and I lie and I’m greedy… of course I am; it’s my Avatar. Ya always say ya don’t care about that, but I feel like ya have to care about that because it’s part of me! I ain’t the best financially… I’m only lucky to people who summon me.. Who get lucky enough that I’ll take their soul in exchange for immeasurable wealth…. But to myself …. I haven’t been lucky to myself in a long long time… and although I get money, I burn it just as quick. You know that, I know that too…. So I don’t know… I feel bad for being an unstable source in ya life because ya deserve better…. Ya deserve someone like Lucifer or Satan who got their life figured out…”

Of course, the truth hurts. It hurt him to admit that, financially, he is a failure and he would and could easily lose any and all finances either of you own, that’s why he wants you to think carefully about being with him and he certainly wouldn’t shame you for leaving him if it came down to it. If the roles were reversed and he was after someone who’s financially unstable, chances are he wouldn’t be running after them much longer, so he’s confused as to why you would keep running after and being there for him.

“Mammon… I’m not going to leave you based on your inability to control finances. It’s actually laughable and kind of sad that you’d think so lowly of me. I love you for you and everything you come with, not some ridiculousness you decided to tell yourself. Yes, it’s your avatar, but it’s nothing that’s unmanageable. Satan can manage his anger, most days, and maybe you can try and learn how to control your spending and gambling on most days, too.” He kind of stopped breathing when you said you loved him so the rest barely registered in his mind, but that’s okay. He just feels overwhelming love right now and he’s genuinely thankful for you. “I ain’t crying…” you were about to ask what he meant but he already picked you up in an embrace, twirling you around with him once before setting you back down and just burying his face into your shoulder, sniffling a little.

“I ain’t cryin’.... But I love you too… thank ya, you know, for being there and stuff… Thank ya for coming into my life and sticking around and accepting me…” You never understood why it was so hard for him to see that he was worthy and deserving of all of those things, but at the very least, it made you happy that you could bring some sort of happiness into his life. “You’re welcome, Mammon…. I’m not giving up on you.”

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #mammon obey me #mammon avatar of greed #shall we date mammon #obey me mammon x reader #tw mild angst

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beccanoodles · 3 years

Text

Spike and Faye Pairing Analysis

March 2021

Ah the hit or miss pairing of the century! If you don’t love it, you probably hate it lol. I’m a very analytical person so I love analyzing works of art and overall enjoy deep discussions about them too. I have SO much to say when it comes to Cowboy Bebop (and oh I plan to), but I have decided to start with my very own OTP. Here, I am not really going to discuss Spike and Faye’s feelings for each other, but rather why I think people are drawn to this pairing and why I think they're totally valid. Get ready for a long read!😁

⚠️SPOILER WARNING!!! [Major Cowboy Bebop and the movie Out of the Past spoilers]⚠️

First off, let’s clear something up. I am confident most of us can agree that Spike was in love with Julia. Some people assume Spike and Faye fans are deranged and disregard Spike and Julia’s romantic relationship to try and make something of Spike and Faye that never was. While some people may have their various theories and opinions on this, generally, I don’t think anyone denies Spike’s love for Julia. As we will see, this pairing is not really driven by who loves who...let’s first look on the surface.

I don’t know your experiences with the series, but in mine, every time I show this to people it never fails for someone to say something along the lines of,

“Wait, they don’t end up together?”

“Why didn’t he kiss her!?”

“He should have stayed with her...”

and so fourth.

Naturally, this pairing catches many eyes.

Think about it, you are given two really cool, really hot and really deep characters that are really fun to see together! There are so many parallels between the two and they are arguably the strongest characters of the bunch. Granted, you can agree with this and still not ship them, but these aspects are part of what opens up the door for many fans of the pairing.

However, there is certainly more to this pairing than them simply looking good together right? As the years pass and I’ve now seen the show multiple times, my understanding of it has evolved in many areas, Spike and Faye included.

Spike and Faye really couldn’t have ended up together. Sure, it’s a nice thought, but It would have been an entirely different show if they had. I don’t feel that the show should have happened any other way and I don’t think many other fans would either.

So, what am I saying here?

What’s the point of this paring if I don’t think they should have ended up together?

It is what's so frustrating about them, yet keeps you coming back and what honestly validates this pairing in my opinion. Spike and Faye are not driven by what is, but rather, what could be.

I personally feel the themes of classic film Noir are not discussed enough when it comes to Cowboy Bebop! This is one of the show's major influences, especially when it comes to the plot and characters.

One of the common tropes of a film noir is that of a protagonist who is drawn back into his past and ultimate doom, usually by the “seduction” of a femme fatale. In these movies, the women are either a femme fatale [devious, dangerous, mysterious, greedy, troubled, or unreliable] or a woman of virtue [reliable, dutiful, trustworthy, conventional and loving].

I am going to use the 1947 classic, Out of the Past to make my comparisons from here on out.

In Out of the Past, Jeff is a former detective who gets caught up in a love triangle between a gangster and his girlfriend Kathie, sound familiar? He attempts to run away with her, but is betrayed and runs off to start a new life in a new town. Here, he meets Ann and falls in love with her, but of course, his past catches up to him and he is drawn back into the world of criminals (largely by Kathie’s involvement). This ultimately results in his and Kathie’s deaths and Ann’s heartbreak.

Even though Kathie is the femme fatale in this movie, I found myself comparing her more to Julia’s role in the show, than to Faye’s and I found that Faye actually fit best in Ann’s role (this is a bit unusual considering Faye is typically seen as the femme fatale of this show).

Does that mean I think Julia was as ill intentioned as Kathie or that Spike fell in love with Faye? Well, not exactly, let’s look at it a bit further.

“The kind of beautiful, dangerous ordinary that you just can’t leave alone...Like an angel from the underworld or a devil from paradise.”

Most of what we get about Julia is from Spike’s point of view. From this, we learn she is at the center of Vicious and Spike’s conflict, but aside from that she is basically depicted as “The Virtuous Woman” of a noir. The colors around her are warm and she is shown caring for Spike. There is an innocence and modestly about her as well.

Yet, when we finally do meet Julia, we get a different image. We know she is tied up with dangerous men, but is she herself a dangerous woman?

She is certainly capable of betrayal.

Suddenly she is a bad-ass-gun-toting woman in leather and black, surrounded by hues of grey and dark blue. Intentional or not, Julia is a major part of what lures Spike back into the past and ultimately to his death. In this case, Julia is the femme fatale of Spike’s story and thus, their relationship is doomed from the start.

Faye, on the other hand, is portrayed in somewhat of a contrast. When we first meet her, she is the clear cut femme fatale, appearing cunning, strong willed and seductive. However, we soon find that she has quite a bit of kindness and naivety hidden behind her facade. She uses the former tactics as a way of emotional (and probably physical) protection. Gren points this out in his conversation with her.

Gren,

“You’re just afraid they’d abandon you so you abandoned them. You distanced yourself from the whole thing.”

As the show progresses, we start to see less of her “femme fatale nature” and something more genuine. Think about it, between Hard Luck Woman and RFB Part 2 we don’t see much of Faye as her typical conniving or unreliable self, aside from changing the course of the Bebop maybe. Sure she takes off, but it isn’t at all for the same reasons she did in Jupiter Jazz or Speak Like a Child, for example.

I would argue we actually see her more trustworthy and caring than ever. Since I don’t want to spend too much time talking about Faye’s character development (not here at least) I’ll give one example of this.

When she returns to the Bebop after her encounter with Julia in RFB Part 1, she gives Spike the message, even though the outcome might hurt her (i.e. he leaves and/or dies). While she does first say “It’s gonna cost you,” she doesn’t really mean it because she tells him without hesitation only moments later.

This isn’t to say Faye good, Julia bad. Both women have their layers and even though we know way more about Faye, I don’t get the impression that Julia is selfish and cunning like Kathie was. But I do get the feeling she was enclosed in a world of crime and betrayal the way Kathie was. We really only know the basics of Spike and Julia’s situation. Who knows the details like motive or how long it lasted etc. etc. We can only speculate...

There is a scene towards the end of Out Of The Past, where Kathie tells Jeff to go away with her. This time it is her asking him, just like Julia asks Spike. During this she mentions,

“I never told you I was anything but what I am, you just wanted to imagine I was. That’s why I left you.”

This got me thinking...did Spike imagine Julia as something she wasn’t? Or something he wanted her to be that she just couldn’t be?

It could explain why we get such contrasted images of her.

There are themes of this “dreamlike” relationship between Jeff and Kathie, similar to Spike and Julia’s “It was all a dream.”

The two of them were going to “live and be free,” probably something neither of them knew how to do and most likely wouldn’t have been able to get away with.

When Jet asks Spike if he can just forget the past, this is his answer.

Spike,

“There was a woman. For the first time in my life I saw a woman that was truly alive. At least that’s what I thought. She was the part of me I had lost, that part that was missing, that I had been longing for.”

I always wondered about this, because Spike is clearly talking about Julia, but right after is when Faye shows up. To me, that spoke volumes...

Faye is a woman who is terribly human and terribly alive.

Going back to Faye and Ann, I find their similarities shine not so much in the “Virtuous Woman,” concept, but rather in Ann’s dedication to Jeff and her optimism for the future. She is also the last person to talk to Jeff before he leaves for the final time, as if he were being presented with one last alternative. Spike spends his last moments with Faye as well, in which she basically begs him not to go and keep him in the present that she has now discovered for herself. She may be stuck, but she is definitely someone that yearns for human connection, love, and life.

The problem is, Spike and Faye are both set in opposite directions. Her’s leads to a future and Spike knows this because he points it out early on (My Funny Valentine). He also knows, his most likely does not. He has already dug himself too deep into this hole, if you will, that there is really no turning back.

But let’s say none of that was an issue? What could be?

I sat and watched this movie (Out of the Past) with my mom. She didn’t know anything about it and didn’t know why I was watching it. I wanted her genuine reaction. The whole time she was getting mad at Jeff until the very end. I asked her why and she said that she wanted him to be able to live happily with Ann. I explained to her why he had to do what he did. She understood this, but still couldn’t help but be sad at how things turned out for him, when they could have been good.

Even though Kathie and Jeff are the “lovers,” of this movie, you don’t really want them to end up together. Forget that Kathie has a devious nature, regardless, you know where it has to end and you don’t want to see your hero die.

Like Kathie, Julia symbolizes Spike’s inevitable doom and Like Ann, Faye symbolizes his possible future.

“I’ll be with you till the end”

“You’re the one still tied to the past Spike!”

“Why do you have to go? Where are you going? What are you gonna do, just throw your life away like it was nothing?!”

It’s two sides of a sad coin...

We want Spike to have a future and because we love the characters of the show, it would be really great if he could have it with them, but that is where the tragedy is. It's only an idea we can think about, a possibility presented to us as it was to Jeff and Spike before their deaths.

The bottom line is, when it comes to Spike and Faye you are really only given a taste. You are not given what you expect to see, which is why I say this ship is driven by what could be. As it is with most of the character relationships in the show, no major breakthroughs are made until the very end, when it's too late. Then it just feels like such wasted potential, but sometimes in life, that's how it is. And thus, we have been given a very classic noir here ladies and gentlemen!

So no, I don’t think people miss the mark when they ship Spike and Faye, nor do I find they invalidate the show by any means. I kind of like that Watanabe switched it up and didn’t do the expected, but left us those subtle hints. He didn’t outright give Spike another lover, but he gave us someone that represents what he could have. Kind of does that with the crew as a whole too!

UGH. I love-hate this show and I love this pairing! Thank you for reading my thoughts and I know this may not be the case or reasoning for everyone, but just based on what I have seen around the community and where this show draws inspiration, this is what I have concluded. I didn’t get into Spike and Faye’s feelings for each other because it gets a little more theoretical there, but I would like to do a post on my thoughts on that as well sometime. I also didn’t touch too much on Spike’s reasoning for choosing to face Vicious in the end, just because I know that will only lead into a whole other analysis lol. But you know I have my thoughts on that and certainly plan to share them 😎 Also, I know I basically spoiled it, but Out of the Past is such a great movie!! I think if you’re a fan of this show it's definitely worth a watch! There are so many more parallels to Cowboy Bebop that I didn’t even mention. Anyways, thanks again and talk to you soon!

#Cowboy Bebop #Spike and Faye #spike x faye #analysis #cowboy bebop analysis #pairing analysis #pairing #my ship #out of the past #film noir #did i mention #I LOVE THIS SHOW #YES i've been working on this for two weeks like i was writing a midterm essay for school #DON'T JUDGE ME 🤓😂#OOTP is really good watch it #last scene gives me chills😨#spaye #faye x spike #faye and spike

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quilloftheclouds · 3 years

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[Image descriptions at post end]

Hello hello, Quill here! I’ve not really done a book review before, but I’ve decided I want to start--not only to better support some of my favourite authors, but also to share my love with those readers who may enjoy the same kinds of stories as I!

So let’s start off with the latest instalment in D. N. Bryn’s book series and my most recent favourite: Once Stolen of the series These Treacherous Tides (These titles give me chills, they’re just. So good.)

(And here’s a lil’ moodboard I made because I Love This Story.)

So let’s get into the review! Follow along below the cut if you’re interested~

THE BOOK BASICS

Book: Once Stolen by D. N. Bryn, #1 in the These Treacherous Tides series

Genre: Fantasy

Content warnings (from the author): Cultural ableism, adolescent abandonment, two instances of animal injury and death, accidental house fire, kidnapping, secondary character drinking alcohol including non-violent drunkenness.

Blurb:

Return to Our Bloody Pearl's steampunk-inspired world of merfolk in this fun, fast-paced adventure with a hate-to-love romance, a boat-load of sass, and even more heart. No one with half a brain would rob the jungle’s most notorious energy cartel. The vibrations of their power-producing stones are the only thing that calms the mer-snake Cacao’s agonizing sensory condition though—and after being banished from his homeland swamps for similar thefts, he’s desperate. When his attempt fails stunningly, a chaotic escape leaves him chained to a cartel prisoner: a self-proclaimed hero with a hidden stash of ignits so large, Cacao would never need to steal again. He’s determined to get his hands on it, even if it means guiding her home straight through the mist-laden and monster-filled swamp that exhaled him, with scheming poachers and a desperate cartel leader on their tail. But the selfish and the self-righteous can only flee together for so long before something snaps…

ONTO THE REVIEW

Those of you who have read Our Bloody Pearl, Bryn’s previous book set in this same world of merfolk and steampunk-inspired inventions, are no doubt aware of just how vivid and engaging this author makes the story’s environment: Bryn does even more in Once Stolen, leading the reader into a new part of the world beneath massive mangroves full of life and the cartel-run towns just outside. Right in the first pages, the writing lures you in, making the characters’ surroundings seem near-tangible in the mind, the sights, the smells, the tastes, the feelings...

Though the species of the perspective character, Cacao, is a nagi-like creature with the ability to sense vibrations rather than hearing, nothing ever feels missing from Bryn’s description--but it never detracts from the events, either. If anything, this change in perception makes the story even more fascinating! And the cultures of this story. It’s oh-so-rich and oh-so-enchanting, and the contrast between a lifestyle of appreciating and working with the environment to the lifestyle of taking advantage without giving back really can teach modern times an important lesson.

As a very queer nonbinary person myself, it was also incredibly refreshing and heartwarming to see how queer-norm this world is, with some lovely appearances of multiple forms of nonbinary characters and various genders in various (very cute) relationships. The standard for most people using sign language to communicate makes for an accessible change I welcome greatly, and it fits so perfectly to the culture.

The world was just what caught my attention first--the characters took my heart immediately after.

Cacao from first impressions is... plain rude. Selfish, greedy, and defiant, and he knows it. I loved him initially for how fun his character is and how entertaining his voice is, not him as a person--that changes, though. As the story progresses, you learn about Cacao’s past and how it formed his personality: not to say that it’s justified, but it makes sense, and made me care terribly about a character I previously would’ve said otherwise.

Thais, on the other hand, is basically the opposite. Heroic to the point of self-sacrifice, kind and trusting... these two would never have worked together had circumstances not forced them to. Mm, I say “forced”, but I can sort of blame Cacao for this. The banter and clever insults thrown between these two could make a story all on their own, and when those insults start to sound more like pet-names than hostility, well. That’s when the real fun begins. Love hate-to-love stories? This ones for you.

And that’s not even touching on the adventure! This story is filled to the brim with action and fast pacing with just enough restful bonding time for the main characters before the plot steals that from under their feet (and tail)! The very real threat of death or capture (or both!) looms over them through their journey, and the helpful characters they meet along the way become straight up favourites of mine.

I’m usually not too good at explaining messages or underlying meanings, but let me tell you that this story just does such a beautiful job at sharing the importance of appreciating friendship and listening to those in need--Once Stolen is certainly a fully satisfying book on its own, but good stars am I excited to know what happens next!

RATING

Five out of five stars. (But maybe I’m just biased? READ IT YOURSELF TO FIND OUT :D) Seriously. Go read it. It’s Very Very Good.

WHERE CAN I GET THIS BOOK?

AMAZON || BLACKWELL’S || BARNES & NOBLE || GOODREADS

IMAGE DESCRIPTIONS

[Banner ID: An Eastern Garter snake is gently held just above a wooden panel on which is placed the book “Once Stolen” by D. N. Bryn. The snake is curled through the fingers holding it, slithering out onto the book’s cover. In the upper corner are the words “Quill Reviews”. End ID.] (This is a photo I took myself and edited! The garter snake was a lovely friend from the woods~)

[Second ID: A snake lays coiled in a knot across the span of the image, its scales brown with darker brown splotches. Between its coils are visible images of ferns, a misty swamp, a small hand-drum, and a glass of red wine. Along the borders are images of a fishing net, a waterfall, a swamp, and colourful sparkles on a dark background. Along the snake is the title “Once Stolen”. End ID.] (I also made this edit, all using copyright free images!)

@brynwrites I hope tagging you is okay ^^

#book review #bookblr #book #reading recommendations #reading recs #book recommendations #book recs #once stolen #these treacherous tides #HI I LOVE THIS BOOK VERY MUCH #AND IF YOU HAVEN'T READ IT #PLEASE DO

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lyssismagical · 3 years

Note

Prompt: Tony tells peter he hates him in the heat of a argument and then goes on a long mission and doesn’t have time to apologize and comes back to a depressed peter and apologizes

This is literally so old I’m so sorry lmao hope this is alright

tw oops i killed may again, depression, grief, arguing?

The grief builds on his back like Atlas holding up the sky.

He’s trying. He wants to scream at the world that he’s trying. Of course, he’s trying. He’s putting one hundred and ten percent into every obstacle thrown his way, every responsibility asked of him, every favor he adds to his list. He’s trying. He’s trying. He’s trying.

He doesn’t know how to try any harder, he doesn’t know how to put more effort into everything he’s doing. He doesn’t know how to be better.

Sleep becomes something only done when absolutely necessary, every couple days, only a few hours caught on the train or in detention or on the couch when Tony makes him give in to his exhaustion.

He knows he’s being hard on Tony. He doesn’t need all of Peter’s bullshit on top of everything else he deals with. He’s already done so much, offered up a bedroom in his tower, held his hand at May’s funeral, paid for everything he could ever want, he even got Peter an emotional support dog to take care of him when Tony can’t.

But Peter just can’t seem to repay him. He doesn’t even have the decency to be a good kid while under Tony’s roof.

He gets detentions, he skips classes, he gets hurt patrolling, he puts off his own needs, he snaps at Tony, he isolates himself, he refuses to deal with the stress he’s under. He’s making everything so much harder on the only person who’s still around.

It’s not fair on Tony.

But Tony takes it all in stride.

He never gets upset with Peter, never pushes him, never gets angry.

It makes Peter angrier, in turn. He wants to ruin the last good thing he has, he wants to destroy everything he stands on, he doesn’t deserve to have Tony.

“Leave me alone,” he mutters, trying to push past Tony to lock himself in his room.

“No, I need to talk to you real quick. C’mere,” Tony says, waving him over. “We’ve got a mission that might last a little bit, so you’re going to be here alone with Pepper and Happy, alright?”

Peter rolls his eyes. “I don’t need a babysitter. I’m seventeen.”

“They’re not babysitters, they’re just around if you need anything.”

“I can take care of myself.” Peter knows he’s being irritated for no reason, Tony’s done everything right and Peter won’t stop picking fights. “I don’t need them and I don’t need you looking over my shoulder, criticizing everything I do.”

Tony sighs softly. “I don’t think you can’t. I just worry, that’s all.”

“When your parents died, you went on a crazy drinking, drugs, and gambling binge for like twelve years. I get a couple detentions after losing my fourth parental figure and suddenly I’m spiraling out of control? I’m incompetent? I’m mental?”

He hates himself, a deep dark pit in his stomach, threatening to swallow him whole in his self-loathing. He hates that he’s doing this, hates that he’s going to throw everything he has at Tony, make him hate him, just because he can’t possibly bear the kindness he’s been shown.

“Pete, kid, I don’t think that at all.”

“I’m not you!” Peter spits, mouth wobbling and raking a hand through his messy hair. “You’re not my dad! You can’t keep me locked up here forever. I turn eighteen in six months, and I won’t stick around to continue playing into your House Fantasy. I’m not your kid. We’re not family.”

The shocked look on Tony’s face makes Peter feel worse, it makes the monster in his chest happier knowing Peter’s suffering like he deserves.

“Kid-”

“I’m not a kid!” He’s moments away from crying, voice breaking and hands shaking. He wishes he was still a kid, wishes he could be coddled and taken care of and loved, but he’s not that kid anymore. “I didn’t ask for you to take me in and pretend to care! I didn’t ask for you to ruin my life! It’s your fault May’s gone. If you hadn’t put me on the Superhero Radar, nobody would’ve gone after my family.”

Tony shakes his head, shoulders slumping. “Peter-”

“Don’t. You’ve made excuses for everything you’ve ever done like the Murder-Bot and the war between the Avengers and dragging me out to Germany. You can’t make an excuse for this. You’re the reason I have nothing.”

“I know you’re upset, kid, I get it, but you can’t blame the world forever.”

Peter rolls his glassy eyes, putting more distance between him and Tony. “I don’t blame the world, I blame you.”

“And that’s fine, Peter, okay? Blame me, hate me, I don’t care, but don’t bottle this up. You don’t have to do this on your own, it isn’t healthy,” Tony says.

And that just makes the monster in his chest angrier because despite Peter being the most ungrateful brat, Tony’s still being nothing but kind to him, showing him love. He doesn’t deserve it. He can’t stand it.

“Says you,” he says, shoving a hand through his hair and wiping his eyes as discreetly as he can. “And either way, I don’t need to talk about my fucking feelings. I need May back. Unless you can find a way to do that, I don’t care what you have to offer. You hated your parents, you have no idea what it’s like to lose a parent that loves you.”

This finally seems to get under his skin. “My mother loved me. I know exactly what it’s like. I had Jarvis, I had Peggy, I know what it’s like to lose someone I love.”

“No, you don’t,” Peter spits back. “You’re selfish. You’ve never cared about another person unless they have something to offer you. If you cared about anyone, if you cared about me, you never would’ve come after me all those years ago. You’re the reason I became a real superhero, the reason I lost Ben, May, MJ. You’re the reason I died, missed five years. It’s all because of you.”

“Don’t you dare throw everything at me, I didn’t make you do anything-”

“When I was a kid, you were my hero. But I’ve learned your true colors since then. You’re nothing more than a selfish, cowardly, greedy, profiteer who’d do anything to get his turn in the limelight as a hero, even if it means using children to do so.”

Tony’s face goes cold, all of his most hated parts of his history thrown in his face by someone who was supposed to love him. “God, Peter, I’ve done everything I can to make sure you were okay-”

“Okay? I have nothing but you to take care of me now. I’d rather be on the streets than here another day longer.”

“You were the one person who was never supposed to betray my trust. I hate you.”

FRIDAY interrupts. “Boss, they’re waiting for you on the jet.”

“I have to go.” Tony already sounds like he regrets what he said, but Peter feels satisfied. He got what he wanted. “Fri, don’t let Peter leave the tower while I’m gone unless he has supervision. You’re grounded until further notice.”

It only takes all of a few seconds for Peter to break down.

His knees hit the floor and he lets out a heaving sob, trembling like a leaf. He hates himself more than anything. He hates that he needs to throw everything away. He hates that he ruined the last relationship he had. He hates it all. He doesn’t know how to go on. He wants to be held.

He wants Tony.

But there’s no way Tony’s ever going to hold him or take care of him or love him after what he just put him through.

He’s on his own.

He curls up in one of Tony’s old MIT hoodies on Tony’s empty bed, sniffling like a child.

May’s gone.

Tony’s not going to let him stay.

He’s on a timeline now. It’s only a matter of time before Tony gets back and kicks him out.

He calls Tony’s number again.

There’s no answer.

It’s been three days.

Pepper comes up to see him and he’s just as pathetic as before.

“Hi, honey, is everything okay? Friday’s worried.” She comes into the room, sits on the edge of his bed, hand on his ankle. It soothes at least a little bit of his desperation to be touched.

“I’m a monster,” Peter sniffles in response. “I yelled at him, I said all the things I promised I never would, I told him it was his fault. He hates me, he said so.”

Pepper sighs, she’s almost worse with emotions than Tony is, too tactical, logical, rational. “He doesn’t hate you, Peter. He loves you more than anything. He knows you’re having a rough time.”

“No, you should’ve heard him. He hates me. He’s never going to forgive me.”

“Fri, patch us through to Tony, tell him it’s an emergency.”

Peter sits up suddenly. “It’s not, Pepper, don’t bother him, I’m just being-”

“Pep?”

“Hi, Tony, can you talk some sense into your kid?”

Tony doesn’t hesitate for even a second. “Kid, I got upset the other day, and I’m sorry. I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. You could literally murder me with your bare hands and I still wouldn’t hate you.”

“I was so mean.” He sounds like a petulant child, demanding to be heard, to get yelled at. “I called you- I said some awful things.”

Tony sighs. “Listen, I can’t talk for much longer. I’m not mad, kiddo. I was so angry after I lost my parents, I lashed out at everyone and everything, including myself. And I think that’s what you’re doing to. You didn’t do that to hurt me, you did it to hurt yourself, and I’m sorry I let it get to me. You can push me away for the rest of your life, and I will never not have your back.”

Peter curls up tighter in his bed like somehow his sheets will protect him from the world of horrors around him. He sniffles again, pulling Tony’s sweater up to his nose to breath in the soothing smell of motor oil and expensive cologne.

“It hurts.”

“I know, kiddo,” Tony murmurs, as gentle as ever. “Over time it’ll get easier, I promise. It won’t always hurt as bad as it does right now.”

Peter’s pillow is damp beneath his cheek. “I’m sorry.”

“I know, bambino, it’s okay. You’re more than forgiven, alright? I’m going to be home in just a few more days. Just hang in there.”

“And I get to stay.” It’s not a question, it’s a simple statement. Tony doesn’t hate him, he’s not going to kick him out for his outburst. “Thank you.”

“I love you, kid, no thanks needed.”

Peter sniffles, mouth wobbling, breathes in the hoodie’s smell of home, says, “I love you too.”

Peter cleans himself up.

It all feels like chores, like it takes all his effort to do the once simple tasks like showering, getting dressed, tidying a bit, eating. But he feels a little more human once he’s done.

And by the time he’s a few episodes into a comfort TV show, Tony’s arriving home.

“We finished up quicker than I thought and-”

Tony’s got an armful of teenager before he can even blink an eye.

“I’m so sorry,” Peter says, breathless and desperate. There’s a hand in his hair and a kiss pressed to the crown of his head and he feels like he can finally breathe. “I didn’t mean anything I said, I’m just, I’m so sorry.”

“I know, kiddo, trust me, I know.”

Peter lets out a sigh of relief. “And you promise it’ll get easier?”

“I promise, and I also promise that I’ll be there every step of the way.”

Taglist: @littlemissagrafina @spideyspeaches @romeoandjulietyouwish @c-artara @shadedrose01 @likeaphoenix13 @misskirkstark @you-get-killed-walk-it-off @kitkatwinchester @emo-girl10 @hold-our-destiny @imalivebecauseirondad @spiderman-peterman @dykeragee @maryserrao @heeeyitskay @parknerandirondad @lilacsandlilies4 @loveliestdisappointment @joyful-soul-collector @genderfluid-and-confuzled @fallenstar07 @gyurolls @sdottkrames @you-did-it-sir @not-today-thx @fandomstuffff {Let me know if you wanna be added or removed}

#lyss writes #lyss answers #peter parker #tony stark #irondad #irondad fic #iron man #spiderman #pepper potts #irondad and spiderson

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emy-loves-you · 3 years

Text

The Heat Between Us

This was written for the Sanders Sides Unpopular Ships Challenge, Day 2: Intruality!

Summary: Patton doesn’t like to be touched. But maybe he’d be ok if it was Remus touching him

Pairing: Intruality

Word Count: 2225

Warnings: Severe child neglect, child abuse, drugs, touch starvation, touch repulsion, starvation (Patton has a really bad childhood)

Patton didn’t touch people.

It’s not like he didn’t want to touch people. Well, for a while it wasn’t. When Patton was little, he loved the idea of touch. He would hug his pillows and wrap himself in blankets, pretending that he was getting the bestest hug ever. He would hold his own hand and giggle, imagining that he was shaking someone else’s hand.

He would cry in bed at night, a new bruise on his cheek, wondering why he wasn’t allowed to touch.

Patton wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things. He couldn’t leave his room (“Why do you need to leave? We give you food every day, and you have your own bathroom. You don’t need more, you ungrateful brat!”), he couldn’t ask for more food (“Stop being so greedy! We fed you yesterday! Are you calling me a liar?!”), he couldn’t tell anyone anything. That last rule seemed redundant, since Patton never actually saw anyone, but he followed it anyway.

But the rule that made him sad was the no-touch rule.

Patton didn’t get to actually see people often- only when they remembered to feed him or clean his laundry- but they hated it when Patton touched them. They would scream and yell and hit him until he was begging them to go away. After a while, Patton only associated ‘touch’ with ‘pain.’

When Patton was 10, he was surprised to find someone other than them (he didn’t actually know their names, but he refused to call them his mom and dad) kick open the door. Patton vaguely recognized the thing in their hand as gun-weapon-hurt and whimpered, running to hide in the bathroom. There wasn’t a lock on the bathroom door, but the person seemed to realize that Patton was not happy right now, so they stayed outside and talked to him through the door.

After a while of one-sided talking, Patton was eventually coaxed out of the bathroom. The police officer (Patton had been panicking too much to remember their name) reached out to touch him and he flinched, already wanting to run back to the bathroom. When they asked if he was hurt, Patton shook his head (rule number 3: don’t tell them anything) and asked if they could not touch him.

Patton learned that the people who took care of him were drug dealers, and no one knew that they had a son. They had been arrested a few days ago (his painfully empty stomach agreed with that), and the officer was checking the house for any incriminating evidence when they stumbled upon Patton’s locked door.

They asked Patton a lot of questions, but Patton refused to answer. He might have broken a rule by leaving his room, but he wasn’t going to break the rest of them. And besides, he didn’t trust them with how many times they tried to touch him. They already made him get looked at by a doctor, and he was nearly sobbing in pain by the end of it. Every touch felt like he was on fire, and it hurt almost as much as getting hit.

After that, Patton was sent to some foster homes. Homes, plural, because no one seemed to want Patton for more than a few weeks before sending him back, wanting nothing to do with him. It was probably because Patton wanted nothing to do with them either. He was used to being alone, only seeing people on the cracked TV in his room. So when these people wanted him to talk to them about things he’d never heard, play games that he’d never played before, or even touch him, he didn’t give them smiles and ‘thank yous.’ Instead, he screamed and cried and ran away, finding tiny places to curl up and hide.

Eventually, he was sent to a family that understood that he didn’t want to be touched. Lydia and Samantha Heart were okay with Patton not wanting to be touched. They didn’t force him to spend time with them other than meals (so they knew he was eating enough), but they always offered him a chance to spend time with them, doing whatever he wanted. It was… baffling, to have someone understand, but Patton was happy with it. They started fostering him when he was 13 and fully adopted him when he was almost 15.

Patton eventually became used to his new life. He learned that he loved to draw, since it let him express things that he didn’t know how to write. He liked to draw things that he saw on the cracked TV in his old room, like fairies and princesses. He spent a lot of time hiding away in his room, but now he spends more time out in the living room with his new parents. He liked to call them ‘Madre’ and ‘Momma.’ Madre taught him how to make different desserts and Momma taught him how to knit and crochet. He was struggling to catch up with his ‘school’ work (he didn’t understand why he needed it, he’d never gone to ‘school’ before and most of the work seemed pointless) but they were helping him a lot through homeschooling, with Madre teaching him math and science while Momma taught him history and english.

But even after all of that, Patton didn’t want to be touched. After he started calling them his moms, he tried letting them touch him to make them happy. Casual touches made him flinch, kisses made him hiss, and hugs made him ready to cry. It was painful and he hated it. After a few weeks of trying, his moms let it drop. They weren’t going to force Patton through that. So, Patton never touched anyone. And for a long time, he was fine with that.

But then the Princes moved in next door, and suddenly everything changed.

Mr and Mrs Prince weren’t very interesting, but they were still better than most people Patton had interacted with. Mrs Prince’s smile seemed genuine, and Mr Prince didn’t get upset when Patton didn’t shake his hand. They had two children, a pair of identical twins named Roman and Remus. They were both a year older than Patton, and they went to the local highschool just under a mile away. They were both dramatic and constantly happy, loving to tell stories to anyone who would listen. Some people might say that they were impossible to tell apart, but to Patton they were easy to tell apart (or, more accurately, they were easy to tell apart when they were around Patton).

Patton wasn’t a very big fan of Roman. He was loud, and prideful, and touchy. He liked to yell and draw attention to himself, and Patton hated the second-hand attention he got from hanging out with Roman in public. Roman was also a physically affectionate person, always giving people pats on the back or pulling them into a hug. And while he understood that Patton didn’t like to be touched, physical affection was so natural for Roman that he tended to forget until he was already touching him. That doesn’t mean that Patton disliked Roman, far from it actually. He just preferred it if they weren’t in public together. And have a good amount of distance between them.

Remus was different. He was the quieter twin, for one. He didn’t yell, he didn’t like to draw attention to himself (unless he was messing with Roman), and unlike Roman, Remus understood that the world wasn’t just black and white. Roman’s stories always had a clear hero and villain, where the hero never did wrong and the villain was always irredeemable. But Remus knew that the world didn’t work that way, and the stories he told reflected that. He also understood how much it hurt Patton to be touched, but that he didn’t want people to avoid him like the plague. He always made sure to be as close as physically possible to Patton without touching him, and if he ever needed to touch something near Patton he always told him so they wouldn’t accidentally touch. Other than the one instance where Remus had to push Patton out of the way of a rogue frisbee, they had never touched before. And that was fine. Perfect, even. Until today

Right on the property line between the two houses was a large sycamore tree. Every afternoon, Remus would climb the tall tree and lay amongst its branches as if they were his throne. Patton would always sit at the base of the tree, nestled between its roots. He would look up at the older teen and try to ignore the blush on his cheeks. He was sure by now that he had a crush on Remus, but he would never tell anyone that, especially Remus. After all, who could ever love someone that doesn’t want to be touched?

So every day, Patton would sit under this tree, listening to his crush share his stories. They were dark, and disturbing, usually sad with no concise ending. Most people hated Remus’ stories, so he never told them to anyone outside of Patton. Patton loved his stories. He’d grown up without being taught about empathy or ‘good always triumphs over evil.’ Roman’s stories, like most stories, tended to assume that the audience would naturally emphathize with the characters, which Patton just couldn’t do. Remus knew this, and his stories gave Patton a reason to feel for the characters. They weren’t just random characters that did good because it was the ‘right thing.’ They did it for revenge, or love, or their own selfish goals. And to Patton, it made sense. He understood why he needed to care about these characters, and in a way, it helped him realize why he cared about the teen that came up with them.

One day, Patton was at the bottom of the tree, sketching the afternoon sun while Remus told his story, when the older boy paused. “It looks a lot better from up here.”

Patton frowned, looking up. “What does?”

Remus shrugged. “The sky. The landscape. Everything looks better from up here.” He looked down at Patton and smirked. “Wanna see for yourself?”

Patton blushed and looked away. “But I don’t know how to climb a tree.” He never had a need to climb anything before, and while he could probably climb something like a ladder, there was no way he could climb a tree without help. And ‘help’ meant ‘pull up,’ and that meant ‘touch,’ and Patton did not want to have a panic attack today.

Remus chuckled. “I’ve solved that part. Walk around the tree.” Patton got up and made his way to the back of the tree, where a blue and white rope ladder hung from its branches. “I asked Dad to set it up yesterday while you were at the doctor. Now you can climb the tree with me!”

Patton giggled and hastily climbed the rope ladder, joining Remus up in the tree’s branches. He was right; the sunset was breathtaking from up here. They sat up there for hours just talking about whatever came to mind. Patton loved having these conversations with Remus. He had been trapped alone in that room for so long, with only his thoughts to keep him company. Patton always felt bad after his first foster family told him not to share those thoughts, since they weren’t normal. They were weird, and disturbing, and Patton constantly tried to forget that they ever existed. But with Remus he didn’t have to. With Remus he could say whatever popped up in his mind without fear of being ridiculed. It was nice, and sometimes during these talks Remus would give him a smile that made his entire heart melt.

The sun was setting as they sat next to each other in the tree, laughing and telling fantastical stories. Their shoulders brushed slightly as Remus doubled over with laughter and Patton shuddered at the warmth. Usually the warmth hurt, usually it burned and made him hurt for hours afterwards. But this was different. Now, his heart was warmer than Remus’s touch, and for the first time in years, Patton wanted someone to touch him. Specifically, he wanted Remus to touch him. Remus, the person Patton trusted most in this world.

“Pat?” Patton looked up at Remus, who was still facing the sunset. “I…” He took a deep breath and turned to face Patton. If Patton had been anyone else, he was sure Remus would’ve taken his hand. “I think I love you.”

Patton’s heart both soared and shattered at the same time. “How could you love someone that you can’t touch?”

Remus chuckled. “I would gladly go a thousand years without touching anyone ever again, if it meant I could keep staring at your beautiful face for a few minutes.”

Patton blushed and looked away. Before he could second-guess himself, Patton laid his hand on top of Remus’. It burned, and Patton’s immediate instinct was to pull away, but he didn’t move, relishing in the warmth he felt. “I think I’d like to try. To touch.”

Remus smiled brightly, like Patton had just told him that he’d won a million dollars. “We’ll take it at your pace, okay? Whatever makes you comfortable.”

Patton nodded, looking off at the sunset. “Remus?”

“Yes?”

“I love you too.”

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Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @arodynamic-enby @sanderssides-angst @whatishappeningrightnow @idont-freaking-know @cute-and-angsty-princess @artsy-enby09 @girl-who-reads @drarrymalecsolangelo @count-woe-laf

#tsus challenge #sanders sides fic #intruality #remus sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders

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the-music-maniac · 4 years

Text

I got sucked back into Ever After High, so hoo boy get ready for a long ass analysis about a ship

Did I mean to get sucked into Rapple? Uh, no. Fuck no. I usually make it a point not to sell my entire soul to small fandoms because the inevitable lack of fics will just break my heart. But here we are.

I'm low key distressingly neutral about the canon/popular ships for Ever After High. Namely Dexter x Raven and Apple x Darling. I have absolutely nothing against them, cause they’re both really adorable. I don’t know if appling is canon actually but it is strongly hinted at, and while I’m ecstatic that there’s some form of lgbt rep (however small), and that Dexter isn’t sadboi anymore cause he’s with Raven, I’ve always just liked Apple x Raven way more.

I guess I’m posting this cause I want to analyze why I like Rapple specifically? This isn’t meant to attack either of these ships or shippers in any way btw! This is just my personal opinion, I just felt the need to mention dexter x raven and apple x darling cause they are (for the most part) canon. :))

Tbh i really didn't mean to make such a gigantic analysis about this, but I got carried away lmao.

1. Rapple has a lot of narrative tension and weight:

I feel like rapple has more narrative weight as a ship then most I’ve seen in the Ever After High fandom. These two characters are undeniably the focal point of the story, and while all characters in the show have backstories and well developed characterizations, Raven and Apple are the "leaders" and the main main characters.

Raven with Apple could make for a really a complex and interesting storyline. After all, Ever After High is ALL about breaking free of your pre-determined destiny, it would be the perfect twist in the story for Apple to fall for Raven and vice versa. There's so much more to write with that kind of turn in the story; the growth of a relationship, character development, the backlash they might recieve from a hero and villain together, fighting what everyone else tells them they should be. Honestly if we're gonna go there, it kind of mirrors what lgbt people have to go through on the daily. In my eyes, appling and dexter x raven (I'm sorrryyy I don't know the proper ship name) pales a bit in comparison, just in the amount of weight they carry (not that it HAS to have narrative weight to be a good cute ship of course).

Darling for Apple is also unconventional and a plot twist, cause it no longer follows the stereotypical hetero-normative fairy-tale, and I absolutely ADORE Darling as a character, but in the end she is still a Charming. Apple is still pre-destined to fall for a Charming, she's still following what her destiny tells her she should be, and while that's good on one hand, cause Apple wants to follow her destiny, I feel like when she pulled Raven back from the brink in Wonderland, she realized that destiny is not so set in concrete and what matters more is the people behind those destinies. I think Rapple would really drive in that point; destiny or no destiny that’s not what matters. So while appling does have some narrative tension as well, it doesn’t make me gleefully go “oh my god FUCK, you wonderful DISASTERS, now you’ve gone and done it. Now you've fucking stepped in it. AMAZING.”, y’know? Dexter and Raven is the exact opposite. Destiny-wise it's pretty unique and frowned upon, but again, heterosexual romance (not that I expect all the characters to be lgbt, that's not what I'm saying) so it also doesn't hold as much weight as Rapple. I'm greedy ok? I want both. I want aspects of both. Maybe I'm just a shit-stirrer though lmao, maybe I just need a ship that fucking destroys all expectations and fucks shit up in the process XDD. It's possible *shrugs*

2. The amount of growth they go through together.

So it's pretty undeniable that Apple at the beginning is....um. Selfish, if we're gonna go with mild language. Kind of a bitch if we're gonna go with stronger language. She doesn't give a shit that Raven will have a horrible life if she follows her destiny, all she cares about is her part of the story and her happy ending. But the thing is, Apple doesn't stay like that. She becomes Raven's roommate and friend, and when it really came down to it, during the Wonderland part of the story, even though Apple is the one who gives Raven the book, she doesn't push and shows her support in thinking that Raven is too good to become the evil queen. And then when Raven was almost lost, Apple is the one who pulled her back and told her to choose who she wants to be. She let go of her need for Raven to be evil and saw her as her own person; someone she cares about deeply. Raven on the other hand starts off unsure and kind of insecure. She was still figuring herself out, and trying to resist what everyone is trying to tell her; that she has to be evil. I feel like through her personal growth and Apple's influence she starts to be more settled, confident. And Apple's support before and after she signed her storybook in wonderland definitely helped. This mutual growth actually brings me to my next point:

3. Rapple has a very strong basis for a relationship

So there's a definite reason why I love the concept of enemies to friends to lovers SO MUCH, and despite what people say, no it's not just because of UST (i mean that's a bonus but far from the only reason). What I care about is again, the mutual GROWTH.

What enemies to lovers does (healthy enemies to lovers btw, rivalries and stuff, not abusive shit) is force the two people to confront the worst parts of each other first and foremost. Meeting someone for the purpose of dating/because you like them means you'll put up a fake, mellower version of yourself to impress them, but there's none of that if you start off hating each other. Clashing is also often because of some underlying issue or sometimes because of a weakness in character; there's numerous reasons, pettiness, unhappiness, jealousy, anger, but it's never because everything is perfect. This means that, in order for these two characters who dislike each other to end up together in any capacity, they have to grow as people first, become better versions of themselves, and in the process they help each other achieve that. They also have to learn each other and let go of whatever was nagging them and compromise. It takes work and I love that, so much more than just a kiss to fall in love, or love at first sight or any of that fairytale stuff. Because that’s exactly it, relationships take work. It takes people repeatedly choosing to stay and work things out, and compromising, and that’s, in pure essence, exactly what you’re doing in enemies to lovers. Not only that, but it means they willingly choose the other person despite their setbacks, because god knows they're not the easiest option, means they see the worst in each other and want each other anyways.

Raven and Apple already have that set up in Ever After High, the only difference is, canonically, they're only friends (which honestly is just as good, not everything needs to be romance but this is a shipping analysis, so, I’m gonna stay on brand here). They disagree with each other, and they annoy each other, and they fight sometimes and they're still best friends despite it all. They really truly know each other, and that I feel like is such a strong basis for a relationship. Other than Maddie, I don't think Raven truly is as close to anyone else as she is to Apple, and the same goes in reverse. They even live together. *leans forward creepily* oh my god they were roommates.

I don't know, I just feel like, with other Raven and Apple ships, there's always a hint of potential for a relationship that the show and books never really explored or developed extensively, while Rapple already has these solid af steel foundations that could be built on and made into something amazing.

4. We know the most about Apple and Raven respectively

This is a rather minor detail, and more about me personally, but I'm the kind of person that has to really know a lot about characters in order to ship them. I also have to like both characters but I feel like that's kind of a given for shipping. If I know very little about the characters involved I lose interest. I know the most about Raven and Apple, we follow them closely throughout the series, and in the books, we see things from their viewpoints. In contrast, I just don't know as much about Darling or about Dexter.

5. I just find them cute as shit tbh

This is pretty self explanatory, they're just plain adorable. Something about them makes my heart go squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oof this turned out WAYYY longer than I intended it to be, but anyways, stan rapple- or don’t y’know, stan appling or dexter x raven, or whatever other ships, stan ALL the other ships, ship anything and everything you want, be happy. I’ve been writing this ever since I finished my physio midterm and got this analysis idea that wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone so now my eyeballs feel like they’re about to fall out of my head, I’m gonna go pass out now, peace.

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lovee-infected · 4 years

Text

By my side

♥Leona Kingscholar ♥

Art credit

Well it still isn't too late to offer our dear Lion a bitter-sweet birthday gift , right ? Let him let go of his sad past and find happiness in this birthday night

...Sometimes I wondered why would I be even given birth to if this was the point life was going to drive me into ? If this was how it was supposed to be , I wished to never be born . Living without needing and to be needed , wanting and to be wanted , loving and to be loved was nothing different from death , some are given birth to by mistake , could it be that I as well was a mistake ? I was pretty sure that I was until something later changed my mind

Preview : Years has passed , each filled with dread , hatred , loneliness and dishonor . Unwanted pains shattering his heart to pieces , unexplainable emotions no one around him would ever care to imagine , endless tears fallen from his eyes over the years on his lonely corners , injured heart of him which no one ever cared to heal... But from now , things are going to be different . This year will be his new start because he has you by his side

Why did I always have to be the second one ...?

They say you've got to live your and only your life , that the only one holding you back from your dreams is you , that you can be anything if you try your hardest , and I tried

No , it wasn't only trying . I lived for my goal . I lived to become the strongest , I lived to be the one who brought honor to my family's name , I lived to pull myself out my brother's shadow , I lived to change my unwanted fate...but I couldn't . I cut back on my everything , my free time , my friends , my family , my own self . All to have my time to focus on my powers , to be an almighty magician . As I grew stronger , I begun to bring fear along myself. I got warned that I'm going way further than I ever should but it didn't matter . I still needed to be stronger , strong enough to prove that I'm worthy of being the next king

Farena brought light wherever he went and I brought...shadows . Shadows reflecting the terrifying darkness taming into my soul . I thought these would turn me into a worthy heir to my kingdom but they didn't , they turned me into something others called terrifying . Fearful . Greedy . Monster

My brother himself tried to hold me back for many times but I didn't listen , thinking that he was afraid of my strength which I thought had surpassed him so far . Even if it wasn't his purpose , this wasn't going to hold me back from the path I'd chosen ; it was too late

All they could see was my stunning powers growing more and more fearful day by day , slowly turning into a threat . No one ever saw what it took me to get to this point , no one ever cared . While children were playing outside and enjoying their short lasting carefree days , I had locked my self inside my hidden training spot , spending hours each day all alone there . Learning everything on your own isn't really pleasant , specially when no one's there to tell you how harmful magic can be . I was covered in dust and bruises each day after training , I even passed away of tire too many times right there

I have to admit...It doesn't really matter how much I grow . A part of me will always remain child because I sacrificed my time to be a child when I had to enjoy it . Yeah , there's an extremely annoying cry baby hiding inside me... It came clear to me again on the day of my nephew's birthday , the day life proved me that I can never change my path , no matter how much I try , no matter how much I lose , no matter how much cry , no matter how much I suffer

All those pain , loneliness , hours of crying and wiping blood off my body was a waste . Not because I didn't try , no dear it wasn't ever my fault . It was this life . It wasn't ever fair...

That child...This was the end of me . The only thing I fought for , my very last chance to get all I ever wanted out of my life . Why?...why?? I gave up my all just to be respected ! To be looked up to ! To be wanted !! Didn't I lose enough...?

I couldn't take it anymore , I couldn't . I had lost my purpose to live , to breath , to exist . Suicide would've been a pretty simple and shameful way to end it all , but you won't believe it if I tell how many time I was too close to doing it . The story of the infamous king Scar was getting reflected into my life . I was becoming what I refused to be , I didn't want to be like him , I didn't want to be the monster he became but...Not everything always goes as you expect , right ?

When I announced that I'll be heading to Night Raven College , everyone knew that I'd finally given up to my dark side . I was no longer afraid of becoming the monster they warned me about ; this was my path

I started a new life with entering Night Raven College or this is what I thought . No was there to look down to me for my neglected past and that was enough for me , enough to not suffer much more . My mind finally came to a more stable zone , somehow I could pull some parts of my shattered personality together and that seemed to be good...but the holes in my heart , there was no way to get rid of them . Loneliness , pain and , isolation took more than having a more stable life to be forgotten , but I never knew that my medicine would one day come to me on their own

I used to think that you were just as empty as I was , perhaps even a lot weaker with not a single sight of magic inside you . May seem rude but I believe that was the first thing that made me have an interest in you : You made me feel superior . Don't hate my dear , but that's just how I grew up . Being compared to my brother my whole life and receiving endless critiques and blames on it . You do understand , don't you ? Told you , those holes in my heart needed to be filled . Bullying you was just a small part of it

Back then , you were nothing more than a child in my eyes . Your will to make a change and save others sounded pathetic to me ; not just because I looked down to you as a human , but rather because I saw myself inside you ; my unfulfilled wishes and useless tries . This was how I expected you to end up , just like me . But you didn't

Overblot may be counted as my most terrifying form , but it isn't the only the thing you saw through me . That was the very first time I show you the others how empty I was , how weak I felt . I revealed my holes and that made me feel unsafe

Considering how I was wrong about being superior to you and the way you saw how measurable and weak I could be , I wouldn't have been fascinated if you too had started looking down to me as a loser . It was odd of you to try and get closer to me instead , no wonder why I kept rejecting you at first . You were stubborn and I was moody , I didn't really like the two of us getting much closer . Helping you take back the Ramshackle dorm was supposed to be our very last business together but , I'm thankful that you didn't give up on me . I accepted the two of us becoming friends since you insisted , but I'd never imagined what great changes were coming to my life by letting you in

Your powerless self which I used to make fun of , became a way for me to spend sometime forgetting how strong my magic would be or how important it can be in my life . Having ice cream together , taking walks , talking like two friends would , these were nothing special but they were all new to me . I had to accept that it was nice having you around , finally someone that wasn't as annoying as the others

Finally I gained enough self-esteem to speak of my personal issues , stuff that were bothering me over the years . I didn't want you to do anything about them , I just needed a listener . But to see how you cried hearing my pain... I- I wasn't ever expecting that . You were not only the first one to know but also the first to care...that shook my heart

When you said that you wanted me to spend more time with my family specially brother and nephew , I couldn't help but to laugh it off . But the way you actually forced me into doing it seemed to by quite childish at first . I was too selfish to even call my brother but you were there to force me into doing it - It felt like you were my mum sitting next to phone to see if I talk politely or not, but it worked out anyway

As the time passed , many things changed . Our small friendship was now way further than were it once was , specially now that I look how you changed me and my life over

Farena and I are now much better than we used to be , I can now really feel like I have someone as my older brother , not a symbol to be compared with . My family now check on my casually asking how I am doing . I still refuse to go home since I still have a lot to take care of here , but I can somehow feel that I as well missed them too . For so long I thought that I was forgotten , invisible and unwanted . But after you showing up in my life , I can finally see what it means to be alive

My dear (y/n) , I'm still learning to be a better me and need you by my side to learn me how to , so I'm not yet prepared to tell you how I feel . I kept on learning to be a great magician for years and now , it's time for me to learn to be a great lover , someone worthy of your love and attention , someone you'd like to remain by his side for eternity

I love you (y/n) , not just because of giving me all I needed for my whole life , not because of making me feel like I have a real family after the years , not because of helping me gain all respect and honor I always wanted to have , but for showing me that my path as well can be changed

Tonight here I am with my family , friends and you by my side , celebrating a date I called filthy for the past 20 years of my life :

" Happy birthday Leona! "

The crybaby inside me isn't going to shut the hell tonight- I know that I shouldn't cry but , I can't help it . My first tears in front on someone else than myself fall not because of pain this time , but due to the unbelievable happiness and joy my heart has drowned into . I look at you , your bright smile giving me straight and your beautiful eyes keeping on bringing light to soul . Even if my birth was a mistake , I would mow say that it's the most beautiful mistake that could have ever happened in my life

My family , my friends , and my beloved (y/n) , I need them all , and I'm glad to see that they as well need me . I want them in my life , and I'm proud that they as well want me . I love you (y/n) and I would die to see that you too love me , but even if you don't , that will never change my feelings for you . For the first time in my life , I feel alive . And it's all thanks to you , because of you by my side

I can't help but to hug you tight , feeling your warmth close to me . Digging my head into your shoulder as I let go of heavy tears in my eyes : " Thank you , (y/n)..."

♦♥♠♣

Tagging : @ji-yaaan @lilyholo @yandere-wishes

#twst #twisted wonderland #Leona Kingscholar #Twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader

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