#i really do know how to talk about it

[hel7l7]

I don't know how to talk about this

#am i repeating myself a lot? I am in fact repeating myself a lot #i'm sorry #it's just true #i really do know how to talk about it

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[yashley]

It’s about this time, another voice pushes into your head, like a bat out of hell. 

#critical role #cr lb #ygifs #cr3 #WHAT IF I CRY #jester #imogen #sensory overload imogen Finally getting her own jester sending as jester is firing all her slots to talk to her ok girls........... #jesters like ok ok ok so I can’t send anymore messages but I was talking to this really cowboy girl fjord do you know her and he's like #she was talking about lake umami and jester makes eyebrows and jester immediately tries sending again and gets psychic coldcocked again #but do you think about how hard imogen woulda fallen for this bubbly tiefling had they known eachother cos I sure will ok fine #LAURA GETTIN EMOTIONAL GIRL ME TOO

[lazycranberrydoodles]

getting back into the untamed and i had a thought. / follow for more yllz babygirlism

#i saw someone a while ago talking about how wwx always has good intentions…. #his personal road to hell was paved with good intentions yes but i’m not sure where making a guy eat his own legs fits #it is so funny to me how the tiger tally/yin iron influences wei wuxian differently in each adaptation #i remember making a sliding scale of how ‘culpable’ wwx is from adaptation to adaptation #based on how they portray the mental effects of the iron #but for the life of me i cannot find it :( #wwx really said ‘if i had a cursed amulet i simply wouldnt be corrupted🙄🙄’ #that’s basically what he tells lan zhan in this episode…. if necromancy was having ill effects i would notice #and you know. at this point he is lying about everything. but i do wonder how much he actually believes that 👁️👁️ #how much of his mind is resigned to doing whatever needs to be done to exact revenge regardless of harm to himself #and how much genuinely believes that he’s smart and competent enough to make it through whole #the answer of course is BOTH!! bisexual pride #mdzs #art #mdzs spoilers #wei wuxian #lan wangji #wangxian #mo dao zu shi #grandmaster of demonic arts #grandmaster of demonic cultivation #my art #the grandmaster of diabolism #cql #the untamed #魔道祖师 #陈情令 #mdzs meme #doodle #lmao

[knifearo]

i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as a binary i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as a sliding scale of "less" to "more" i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as the only two options i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as significantly different things i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as all encompassing i hate the concept of platonic and romantic as the two halves of a shallow concept of love that doesn't actually encompass anything at all i think we need to overhaul every popular conception about "types" of love so we can talk about things that are real and true for once

#in conclusion. alloromantics stfu up about love challenge #hate using the term platonic so much actually. cause even if it has a definition that is what it Should mean #you know that people don't actually think about it that way. #you say 'platonic' and you might Mean an all-encompassing love. but how it's interpreted is shorthand for 'just friends' #so like. the word platonic isn't Really for me is it :| #platonic gets presented like a consolation prize for aro people no matter where you turn #but fundamentally rn it comes from a concept of platonic and romantic as the two kinds of love #where platonic is for family and friends and nothing More. #and romantic is for the relationships that overhaul all else #so 'aros can still feel platonic love!' ok. what if it's not platonic as you know it though. #'oh then it's romantic!' k but it's not romantic either. will your framework explode if i say that #'aros can still feel platonic love!' why do you say that like it's a second-best option and expect me to identify with it... #again. platonic might Actually mean smth i experience. but it won't be Heard that way. do you get what i'm saying #i don't experience 'platonic blurring into romantic' cause i will never feel romantic love actually. those lines are still blurring though #ummmmm in conclusion. killing and biting #aromantic #aromanticism #aroace #arospec #talking

[dreamsy990]

you know i used to think it was weird how sora and roxas have such different personalities for supposedly being 'the same person' but after playing a few games i sort of realized that they do have similar personalities, because roxas acts how sora does when he's under extreme stress.

compare roxas to sora in, say, kh1. that's where a lot of peoples idea of sora's personality comes from. sora is generally very upbeat and optimistic in that game. not very similar to roxas, right?

but let's switch the game and talk about a game where sora is ABSOLUTELY GOING THROUGH IT. chain of memories.

sora's resting state is melancholy in com. he only ever cheers up in short bursts, usually when he's joking around with friends. just like roxas.

he's quick to anger, and tends to lash out at the organization members. best example of this is when larxene makes him 'remember' namine, and he swings at her repeatedly, even after she's gone. he only stops when jiminy is able to snap him out of it.

you know what scene that resembles?

sora, while a bit more on the angry side and less sad, continues to act like this in kh2 when he's in stressful situations. (he also has a tendancy to insult people which, while it's not very related to the point, is very funny and sora saying 'gonna cry?' to xigbar is great.) i cant comment any further than that about kh2 off the top of my head.

so, roxas acts like sora does when he's stressed, right? but why is roxas always acting like that? to which i say, he isnt!

he only ever acts like that when he's also in fucked up and stressful situations, which happens to be a CONSTANT in his life. but when he's hanging out with axel and xion, a decidedly NOT stressful situation, he's a lot more like sora. he's teasing his friends and insulting his coworkers and joking around and acting like a normal kid. not really important, but unless i misremembered some sora lines which is VERY possible, both roxas and sora respond to friendly insults with "oh thanks!" a lot. just a funny little detail that felt relevant.

the biggest differences between roxas and sora boil down to environment and... i dont know how to put it besides volume? roxas is very quiet and tends to keep most of his thoughts to himself, while sora is very loud and expressive in comparison.

there is one other huge difference i noticed, which is less character based and more story. sora wanted to get off destiny islands and explore with his friends, but roxas just wanted routine. sora wants adventure, and roxas wants things to stay the same, for days where he gets off work and eats ice cream with his friends to last forever, to keep having conversations about nothing and watching the sunset. roxas wants normalcy, sora wants excitement. it's just interesting seeing their contrast.

not sure if this is very well said or anything i just wanted to talk about my boys

#random thoughts #its been a while since i got to use that tag eheheh #i bet theres a few people following me who didnt even know i did analysis posts #the fact that sora and roxas grew up in very different environments is pretty important btw #roxas was already a bit quiet and being in a cult where any expression of emotion is immediately shut down probably didnt help #we'll probably never get a good idea of how roxas would be if he was in a normal situation #id say some of the twilight town stuff might be a close estimate but even that doesnt really fit considering all the shit going down #even from the very start hes being accused of theft hes Not doing the best #anyways. sora and roxas are different obviously #but theyre a lot more similar than people really talk about #kingdom hearts #roxas #sora #not rereading this so it might be a little weird and hard to read sorry

[peach-pot]

ok my turn

#I’m curious how confident people are in their math because I know the right answer #and I know why people reach the wrong answer but I still know that I’m right #and I wanna know if the people that are getting the same answer as me are confident #and the same of the people getting the other answer #also I simplified it down #cause what we’re really talking about is do you multiple or divide first in this problem #hannah talks sometimes

[turtleblogatlast]

Leo getting hit with a truth curse but instead of forcing him to admit to super sad or worrying things it’s things like “it was me who broke the remote” “I saw Mikey prank Donnie and helped hide it because it’s way funnier if he didn’t know who it was” “I rip my clothes to look more like Raph’s because he’s really cool” “my stripes aren’t even red they’re pink!”

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt leo #rise leo #plot twist he COULD be admitting angsty stuff but he’s pushing the less oof truths forward instead on purpose #raph: hey leo what do you want for dinner #leo: *about to bare his soul on all his internal torment but pivots* I’m afraid of snakes #(no but fr Leo’s stripes being technically more pink instead of red is cute ngl) #(a very reddish pink to the point that in certain lighting it looks red but at the base they’re p pink) #(i also am very fond of the idea that Leo doesn’t just have questionable taste in fashion he also just loves Raph a lot and looks up to him) #but yeah I think that something like this would be 99% Leo admitting to unimportant things or admitting to how much he values everyone #like they all KNOW Leo loves them and he’s talked them up enough for them to know but it’s different when he’s like #‘I just wanna read my comics with you guys around - it’s my favorite place to be’ #or again just random bs that doesn’t REALLY have a lot of weight like #‘I like using my portals to prank random people around the world’ #‘I’m worried about being a bad influence on hueso jr’ #‘sometimes I kinda wanna see hypno’s plans succeed’ #‘it’s been way too long since I found this out and honestly it’s embarrassing but I actually don’t have a di-‘ #SORRY COULDNT HELP MYSELF #(<-but did u know that that pink rather than red observation actually ties into this headcanon as well if u know about red eared sliders)

[spllwys]

endless ghifs 11/? ⛧ source — "I don't wanna end like this—"

#but the sting in the way you kisss meee #we are back to ghostposting! #i should be working but the fire alarm went off in the library so what can you do #work at home? nahh #lgifs #alltag #eg_series #ghost #the band ghost #papa emeritus iv #nameless ghouls #the source material was soo crusty i am actually thrilled with how these came out all things considered #added a bit of noise which is smth i started doing for s///up//ern- i cant say it #did not do many of those. just made some things for myself then ducked out #forgot about that trick until today #it really helps i recommend #just 1% to kind of hide the grainy smoke background #i don't know what i'm talking about ngl

[tzarrz]

to all people who said PART 1 made them laugh - i lov u 💗 this is for u

#look...i know it's been a month but hear me out- #guys don't yell he's really trying okay!! #NOT a mean ww truther bc he really isn't mean like at all #not in an intentional way #he's just stressed and embarrassed and tipsy here give him a break #he's swagless & thinks it's yet another reason he's unlovable (untrue) #dont worry woowoo vash also severely lacks in the swag department #but funny doodles aside i have other more serious art of them already posted + in the works #their understanding of each other ends up being so deep #but at the same time they manage to be so utterly stupid about it #how do they manage? i don't know #they just make me want to tear my hair out #you're important to each other!!!! get!! that!!! thru!! ur! HEADS!!!! #neither of them think they deserve what they want/need #i'm inconsolable actually nobody talk to me (talk to me please) #see using words isn't so hard. stupid fictional men #(she thought she did something with those tags) #times are hard but i stay silly #by that i mean i re-read vol 10 #on the daily. #vashwood #vash the stampede #nicholas d. wolfwood #nicholas d wolfwood #trimax #trigun #tzarrz

[elfcollector]

I feel ill. All the fools and villains who ever fell for my ploys, they're — they're here!

#gamingnetwork #vgedit #videogameedit #gamingedit #dailygaming #gameplaydaily #bg3edit #bg3 #bgedit #bg3 astarion #astarion #astarion ancunin #:( #i think this scene is so interesting and speaks to why i get so annoyed by the 'any portrayal of astarion #as having an degree of a conscience or goodness in him is stupid and woobifying. hes chaotic evil and thats IT' thing #the grief and guilt. the way he tries to talk himself into it. the way he removes HIS OWN autonomy to do it. pretends theres no other choic #esp in the context of other moments where he preens when hes called good. he LIKES being smth other than what cazador made him #but hes so SCARED. he spends this dialogue talking himself into killing them and he HAS to talk himself into it BECAUSE this kind of evil #isnt easy to him despite it all. theres still scraps of a conscience there yknow? and he hides it from himself by pretending hes less free #astarion is fun BECAUSE hes weird and contradictory and a bad person with the capacity 4 good. BECAUSE he doesnt know what he actually want #also i love the idea of him in this moment rly thinking abt the player....like whether theyre friends or romances #a player whos been really kind and loving to him...kept him safe....trusted him.... #thinking about how they let their guard down for him and how in his old life THIS would have been the life #hed been damning them to....years and centuries in a tiny cage somehow even worse than his

[gayspacemonk]

the thing is, the "I would eat my arms and legs for zoro" scene wasn't just for shits and giggles. yes, it was to show just how devoted luffy is to his friends, but it also shows how he's naturally an great captain that he immediately understands zeff and says without hesitation "oh yeah I would do that and beyond for my crew"

#zolu #it's the small things #i really like how luffy was portrayed in the live action i could talk about it for hours #i know it's different from his portrayal in the anime but also i think it kinda had to be this way #like in anime an constantly high energy character such as luffy works just fine but in live action it doesn't make much sense #anyway i think iñaki did a great job and on that stance i do not accept different opinions i will fight you #opla #one piece #one piece live action #also bc hes madly in love w zoro but we all knew that already

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

#spilled ink #writeblr #personal #please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it #i really try not to write so specifically about it #bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child #i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years #i might delete this. feels big. #the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum #and if u say ur autistic #inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms #please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do #and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort. #but it still feels like... #when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing. #they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly? #and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find #the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go) #and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW." #''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.'' #and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic #someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.

[wybienova]

dream visit (nostalgia) - a 2nd anniversary katfl comic

#wooo wooo yayyyy uayyy happy anniversary #happy birthday elfilin and elfilis my beloveds #kirby #elfilin #fecto elfilis #idk if i should tag this as forgo #katfl #LOTS of talking abt this piece in the tags below #i wanted to do some kinda thing and I got this idea for a comic #so i just kinda went in and did it messy #not really worrying too much about how it looked #and I like how it came out I think #even if elfilin looks kinda bad at some parts #kind of a sequel to my old dream visit post? #that one I gave elfilis/forgo the tunic script but I didn’t feel like doing it this time #this one i was kinda thinking about like. ok #identity and stuff and how it differs for them #i know forgo and elfilis are 2 separate entities #but i like drawing elfilis #so i think in this dream scenario where they can kinda be whatever #they’d show themself as elfilis #because that’s what they are trying to become again anyways #and really elfilin is only a small part of the whole #so forgo IS far more ‘elfilis’ than elfilin would be #similarly they just keep saying ‘i’ whereas elfilin sees that form and thinks ‘we’ #forgo being kind of self centered: they don’t need elfilin to achieve their goals #that being destruction which elfilin would inhibit #except they do to actually become elfilis again #idk whatever I should stop talking #wybs art

[ride-a-dromedary]

Thaniel was my friend also. I played with him, grew up while he stayed the same. He made me who I am today, and then he was ripped away from me, same as for you. But you need not be alone any longer. You need not invent friends. Thaniel is back. He is waiting for you.

#hey please throw me off a bridge thx #Baldur's Gate 3 #BG3 #bg3edit #gamingedit #bg3 spoilers #videogameedit #Halsin #otheredits #my stuff #halsin gentle parenting king tbh #i know your pain...i truly do #can we talk about how halsin is in tears this entire scene because we should talk about that - that last part especially #but damn if i were a more talented artist...that dark empty lonely has a lot of potential #also also can i get a 'words halsin would have likely really liked to hear' for 1000 alex? #because the loneliest people are always the ones who are most staunchly against anyone else being lonely #if only to avoid how they've felt because they know how terrible it really is #idc how many times i play through this - halsin always gets to talk here - it's been a century and he deserves it

[dubiousdisco]

Johnny's ass keeps pushing Sento away from the support on his back because it's too big btw, do you think Sento knows. Is Sento aware that johnny's cheeks are constantly pushing it. And if so, do you think Sento cares at all, being a sword and all. Is that mundane for a sword. Does Sento compare whose backs or waists or butts or hands felt nicer. Does Kenshi know. Would it tell Kenshi that his hands are the most caring but Johnny's ass is the biggest.

#maybe that's just how it works. being a sword. even if you're sentient. #johnshi #<- target audience #I'm assuming that all the souls in that sword (or most of them) held it before and some kept it on their backs #so now i'm wondering if they get there agter they die and start thinking they should have kept sento in a different position #or if they mind the climate or where the sword is kept #like do they feel it? they are in it but do they feel it #do they ever think 'if I knew it felt this way i would have cared for Sento in a different manner' #i know im anthropomorphizing the sword but the sword has people in it #sento: hey descendent can you light a fire we're cold #kenshi: Oh of course! #sento: thank you. do you want us to give you the grace of vision so you can see the white boy's ass btw #kenshi: what #sento: its a really nice ass. who said that. #kenshi: #mortal kombat #im sorry i juat wanted to talk about the souls in there feeling thinfs through the sword but that implies they felt johnnys ass #and i wanted to make a joke about it #inside sento: #- Akira Taiga-sama had the nicest hands but Hayao-sama had the greatest butt. #both of them also inside the sword hearing this: thank you ascendent you honor us #no but really i kike the idea the sento feels that kenshi is caring for it 🥲