#i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing????

[grey-has-rusted]

what they don't tell you about life is that it's hard. woe is me

#ramblings #yes. i logged onto tumblr just to complain. #i have not been having a good time irl </3 #guys am i cooked? i wake up everyday with a heavy sorrow in my heart. #i am sad all the time even though i enjoy the wonders of life. #i laugh and smile and talk and learn. but im still sad. #it also doesn't help that i have psychotic tendencies and episodes #'go for a walk. that's a healthy coping mechanism' bro i can't even go outside bc i will get lost and walk for hours and almost- #unintentionally kill myself #it sucks. it all sucks and i say things that don't make sense either. apparently. allegedly. #i just want a functional brain. i would be so unstoppable if it weren't from my brain maybe i could actually function like a normal person #and hold down a job and be consistent with my hobbies and passions and actually maintain friendships #ong ive been so lonely too #i haven't bothered making friends anymore bc i know i won't be consistent and i dont wanna waste anyone's time #that's just really unfair #and i rely so heavily on videogames and fiction to get me through the day #bc it makes me feel less lonely. yeah i know i sound lame 💀 #anyways- see y'all in another year when i remember tumblr exists

[ironmanstan]

So much work to do but im actually doing it which scares me more than the fact i have work to do and u can tell bc i keep fucking posting like this

#laid out all my sketches i needed.. updated my carrd projects list... finalized art piece.. sketched concept.. studied from art book #fucking insane. insane. so scary so scary. #like idk it is so weird i think being depressed mustve made my adhd so much worse ?? i couldve never done this before #everything is still hard and i have to genuinely push and will myself to even attempt working on anything but like #i have enough will to win and start ? i dont lose my focus as much when im in it and if i do i know to take a break bc im understimulated? #i still forget basic things and to do things a lot but i dont catastrophize about it as much i get upset and then just fix it.. #its so weird did i just fucking learn to self regulate??? is that what i was missing this whole time ??????? #u get punished for like lacking focus and self regulation and have a defeatist mindset bc doing anything = punishment #but then you break through that fear and just throw yourself in and make yourself do things and u can work WITH the adhd???? #my parents fucking scammed me bro imagine if i had been raised and like helped instead of called worthless for everytime i fuck up #WHY DO I HAVE TO LEARN THIS AT ALMOST 19. STUPID STUPID STUPID #even my old therapists.. oh you have adhd maybe if you just change your diet you will function WOWWW SOOO HELPFUL #HOW DOES THAT HELP ME LEARN TO BE AWARE OF MY SELF AND NEEDS AND REGULATE THEM TO WORK WITH MY MENTAL HANDICAPS HUH. QUICKLY #stupid... i hate every adult in the world you are all useless and do nothing <- is an adult #its so crazy 2 me to function even a little... i guess i learned easily finally bc i self analyze way too much sometimes #but like i genuinely for years predicted id just like. go right back to being majorly suicidal or something in college #bc i could barely handle highschool or getting assignments done #now im meeting deadlines on the reg... like idk. i think it is such a rare and strange and kind of sick feeling #to know like young you would look at you and be surprised or shocked . and its so sad bc like idk. #its like oh i never believed in myself huh. or believed i could have a place in the world and function and be alright #and then u have to grieve all the time you spent never trying bc u didnt think trying without failing was possible like what the hell!!! #crazy... #the gamer speaks uwu

[wonder2realities]

the importance of self-trust in shifting.

when i first got into shifting, i relied a lot on shifttok but also on ppl who had shifted - id practically worship them and treat them like they were my mentors but that put me in such a vulnerable state that i ended up getting hurt from it.

there was this experienced shifter who id talk to, and they even said theyd help me with spirituality advice and such so i listened to them but nothing they were saying resonated...at all. no matter the topic, no matter how "factual" they pushed it as ; it wasnt resonating and i couldnt relate to it but since they had shifted i assumed that i was the problem.

"if they shifted theyd know better than me, what would i know? i know nothing." — this was my mindset for a year and it stunted me...heavily. i felt like i was this stupid newbie to this and i had to do everything an experienced shifter would tell me but again - that ended up stabbing me in the back because that experienced shifter was a horrible person to me and it got to a point where my mental health plummetted. i thought to myself that it was all over for me, i let go of someone who (in my eyes) knew everything even if they were horrible to me.

id meditate daily, clearing my head out to try and figure out what i should do because i knew shifting was real but i kept feeling as if i couldnt shift...like i was the problem. it wasnt until i had a moment to myself where i realised that my only problem was that i didnt trust myself.

i went out of my way to believe everyone and anyone but not myself, i believed that others would know me better than i do when in reality - id know what makes me shift or not because i am me. i know what annoys me, what would help me relax, what would help me think and connect with my drs so much better than someone who couldve known me since i was born because i FEEL these things.

and after i had that realisation and understood my power and understood that i was never a problem, i kept shifting and manifesting like it was nothing. i kept getting things i wanted in my cr, i kept going to different realities - even when i didnt shift for whatever reason i was fine. i never got mad at myself, i never blamed myself, i simply just let it go and went on with my day. if i wanted to stay in my cr for something important that i wanted to experience, id script out my day mentally and it would follow that script. not because i followed something, or because i learnt something new but because i realised that the most knowledgeable things i could learn come from myself.

whether its my higher self, my inner self or just...myself in general - i know all sorts of things about how i function and that would affect how i shift. that level of knowledge wouldnt be found anywhere else, so why would i trust others to give me that knowledge?

"i know myself better than anyone, if i want to shift i will and if i want to manifest things i will. noone else can control or stop that because this is my life, not theirs. they only gain control when i let them have control." — this became my way of viewing things and i still stick to it ; noone can control or change or make me do things unless i let them.

if you dont trust yourself or believe in yourself, you'll never find the answers youre seeking. sure, other experienced shifters can give you advice but only you know what will work for you. never let someone control your journey and never let them be the ones to claim your growth.

#ᡣ𐭩 wonder2realities #🪽₊˚⊹ cici's experiences #shiftblr #shifting consciousness #quantum jumping #manifestation #loa blog #scripting #desired reality #shifting blog #reality shifting #shifting antis dni #kpop shifting #loassumption #loablr #loa tumblr #self concept

[ceasarslegion]

I know i have a lot of teenagers who follow me because i dont baby talk to them regarding things like drugs and alcohol and sex. So i wanted to throw out some advice that still saves my ass every day as an adult that i learned to instill in myself as a teenager:

-Learn how to keep house. I know that every adult is beating job skills into you right now and its overwhelming to say to least, but no matter what you end up doing with your life, you will need to know how to cook and clean and budget and go grocery shopping and do laundry and the dishes and x y z. You will need to know how to work with cleaning products like bleach safely and without creating mustard gas by accident. If you figure that out now, you will be able to take care of yourself for the rest of your life. Those are skills that you WILL need every day in the real world no matter what.

-i want to asterix the budgeting part. I know way too many grown adults who could be doing very well for themselves who are broke as shit and actively getting worse because they cant budget to save their lives. Managing your finances is what will often be the difference between living relatively comfortably and struggling to get by.

-dont get roommates if you can help it. I know you will want to, and it will seem like a fun idea to live with your friends and like nothing would go wrong, but roommates ruin friendships. If you can afford to live on your own when you first head out, do it. Trust me, paying the full rent is worth not having to deal with other peoples bullshit taking up your living space. I learned this the hard way, dont be like me. The only people you should be actively looking to live with at the young adult stage of your life are any permanent partner(s) that might come along the way, and you should rush that either. And taking some proper time to be on your own will do you so much good in the long run in realizing what kind of person you are and what you need in things like work, relationships, life in general, etc.

-you don't need a brand new car, and your first apartment doesnt need to be high end and fancy. All your firsts for those things need to be are functional, safe, and reliable. And you will love them regardless if theyre your first car/apartment. And you dont really NEED a car if youre an urbanite with a reliable enough transit system, either. Thats more of an individual thing if thats your situation. I live in an older apartment building with a stove from a brand that doesnt even exist anymore, but its real spacious for one person, in a nice part of downtown where everythings still right outside my door, and all my utilities are included. I pay 500 dollars less in rent a month for this than my coworker who lives 2 blocks away from me and has half the space i do with none of the utilities included because its all smart tech and luxury suites in that building. You don't need all that, you will not notice the difference when you actually live there.

-no one cares about high school tier drama when you hit your college years, especially if you go to an academically-based school. In my experience at least, the schools the nerds end up at think the d&d club is the coolest one on campus. This will pass, you will be fine. The nerds really do inherit the earth after you graduate, and all those bullies really do peak in high school. The guy who was the worst offender towards me in high school now literally pumps gas for his dads gas station because nobody else would hire him. Which is fine, its honest work, but it IS a tad ironic how things worked out there after so many years of telling me he'd be my boss one day. Yeah sure, howd that work out bud

-please dont get into drugs and alcohol just to be cool. I know every adult has treated you like some porcelain doll to be handled with baby gloves regarding any sort of substance, but if you choose to partake in them, all i ask is that you be informed about the risks, you do it safely, and dont do it for social clout. Its not the substances im most concerned about there, its that when you do them for social approval, you dont know when to stop or how to listen to your body telling you thats enough, which is a straight shot to a potential addiction. Its your choice whether or not to consume drugs and/or alcohol, but its irresponsible to act like theres no real risk involved in them, especially if you have the kind of personality more susceptible to addiction. Do them for yourself, in safe environments, as cleanly as you can get them if possible, and only after you educate yourself about what the risks are and what resources there are in your area for healthcare and counseling if you do develop an addiction.

-be selfish, but dont be a dick. Your young adulthood is when you should be selfish in the sense of prioritizing your own mental health, work ascension/schooling, etc, but you can do all those things without being standoffish or disregarding other people in the process. You should be there for your loved ones if you can, but if you cant, give them the common courtesy of telling them. A simple "hey, id love to help you if i could, but i have too much going on right now to spare anything. But im always here to talk about it if you need it, ily and im wishing you all the best <3" is way better than "i cant help you right now, i have my own problems to deal with."

#some thoughts

[lunatic-fandom-space]

You know what its past midnight Im gonna make a post critisising acotar despite never having the read the series, the only book of SJMs ive actually read was crescent city but I spend a lot of time in anti acotar circles bc its fun being a little hater sometimes and I think I know enough by now to atleast critise some of the themes. I definitely know more about this series than I should, like I know about that immortal horse whose horse wife tragically died in horse childbirth and then Im pretty sure he died of horse sadness. And yet, despite cari can read being pretty good at explaining magic shit, I still dont know what the hell syphons are or why illyrians have them or why they matter so you really never stop learning huh

Anyway, I wanted to talk about the misogyny within the universe of acotar because its really bad, both in the sense that its just annoying and insufferable to read about even second-hand and in the sense that its badly written. The thing that inspired this was this short piece of flashfiction by @feynessupremacy about an unnamed girl from the hewn city being married off and having a horrible time living in this endless cycle of misogynistic abuse that her mom is still in and that her dauggters will end up in, all powerless to do anything against this kind of systemic sexism. I thought it was good and made its intended point pretty well but it also made me once again realize how borderline comical this series portrayal of misogyny is

Like, okay, once again, I have not read these books myself but it very much seems like the sexism in this world just materialized in the second book, from the summaries Ive watched it straightup seems like it was just not there in the first book. I mean hell, the entire plot hinges on the fact that Tamlin was sending all these fae disguised as fucked up creatures out so that they would hopefully be killed by a woman so she could break the curse, which implies that women being hunters was pretty normal. (Also, dont come at me with any kind of "oh, it doesnt specify the gender of the person who needs to break the curse a guy couldve done it as well", sjm is too insufferably heteronormative to consider that)

So basically what Im saying is, from my perspective it very much seems like sjm put not only systemic misogyny but like, incredibly violent systemic misogyny to the point where women being brutalized is basically completely normal, in her fantasy series for the sake of making a man look good because hes a wittle sad :( about it sometimes which is honestly pretty funny to me

But it gets even funnier because it doesnt even seem like sexism is really a widespread thing ? Like, i have never seen anyone else directly address this but its all I can think about: in the Nightcourt, the misogyny and institutionalized violence against women is literally the worst it possibly can be with genital mutilation and everything and then in the rest of Prythian its just like, not there. There are plenty of women with political power, the queen of adriada comes to mind first, Im pretty sure I read something about a woman from the wintercourt who was in a similar position of power, its unclear to me what all these fuckin priestesses do because theres no focus on the religion at all much less the institution(s) behind that religion, but they have to have some kind of power if theyre anything like priests in our world (although tbh they seem more like nuns to me functionally just with a diffrent name), especially Ianthe who was like a high priestess and directly in charge of Feyre, who shouldve been the most powerful woman in the springcourt by virtue of being with the high lord, Amren and Mor seem to be well respected outside of the NightCourt, their only deity is the MOTHER. Sure, there arent any "official" High Ladies but if being a High Lord entails being chosen by the magic of the land or The Cauldron or The Mother or whatever other kind of magic bullshit and women just dont get to have it for some reason, is that really indicative of the broader culture being sexist, or is that just God, Who Canonically Exists being sexist? Idk about you, but Im leaning towards the latter option

Thats not even mentioning the mortal lands which seem to be ruled by queens exclusively at the time of the story taking place, or Hybern which had Amarantha and I think her sister as well be these high-ranking generals and it wasnt presented as anything unusual. Like, are you telling me that the kingdom whose only value is "we love slavery, we would like to have slavery back" is more progressive than the court of fuckin Feminist King Rhysand?? I Am Going To Turn Into The Joker

Anyway, I think thats all I have to say, please correct me if I got any of this information wrong I cannot stress enough that I have not read these books and dont plan on reading them anytime soon, atleast not in english because reading the term mate a 1000 times sounds like too much for me to bear, atleast in german theyll probably use a term like "Gefährte/in" which doesnt make me think of actual animals

#im öretty sleep deprived so i hope this is coherent enough #anti sjm #anti acotar

[itsaspectrumcomic]

man ok idk if youll be able to advise on this or something but like. do you know anything regarding dealing with like internalised ableism?

i live in a rural part of ireland, right? and idk what it is about rural ireland but some of the people are heinous. my school is in a small miserable-ass town and like. God, man. not everyone sucks, of course but like. jesus lol additionally i have a ~mildly ableist~ mother (a "we're all a little bit autistic" and "erm. youre not disabled because youre not in a wheelchair or blind/deaf" etc etc type stuff. + "npd = bad person" which isnt particularly good for me specifically because i have npd (that i both Cant get an official diagnosis for, for various reasons, and im not really Looking for one either because i know what i am and its not like you get support for it because ~ooh scary narcissist~.)

and like. idk if this is Obvious but that can kinda cause a weird-ass relationship with You (being Me in this case, yk how it is with the second person perspective when. ranting) and The Concept Of Being Disabled. like, objectively. im disabled. im autistic, ive definitely got adhd (that im hopefully going to get examined for at some point cause college stuff requires it for the disability forums and stuff. gotta love that. fuckin 80% comorbidity right?), ive got a laughable number of repetative strain injuries, i have a sensory processing disorder, an endocrine disease that effects my Entire cardiovascular system, a spine that felt a lil quirky and bent in too much. so on a so forth

but also like. it feels wrong to call myself disabled. yk, like im doing a disservice to all the other ~actually~ disabled people (being Anyone but me lol) (none of this is At All helped by the fact that my mother refuses to listen to me regarding Jack Shit about my health in Any way. "oh you nearly passed out on top of a hill because of your cardiovascular condition? erm youre just not exercising enough actually" "you dont have depression [said while i was filling out an assigned mood diary after being forcefully brought to camhs for Reasons" like. shut the fuck up and Listen to me please. at least Entertain the idea that i could be right about something for fucking once lmao. cause ive been right about EVERYTHING regarding my mental health so fucking far so. fuck off /nay ofc) (also man. like, even if you ignored the physical issues ive got im still disabled on account of being autistic. like, motor function is fine, despite being a lil clumsy and/or unsteady sometimes but like. my emotional needs are Fucked. think of the response youd get if you asked a. fuckin. 8 year old or something to do algebra. but with a very emotionally stunted and traumatised 17 year old lol. lmao, even /lh)

so like. if youve got. any advice or whatever on any of this thatd be Super cool + no pressure obvs. sorry this is a whole. like. fucking essay's worth of Random Guy Complaining To You On The Internet lol

-🐢 <- just so i can find this again if you respond. i Like Turtles. i am Normal about the tmnt and also turtles The Creatures. i wont talk at length about turtle mutant anatomy (i am deceiving you)

Internalised ableism is a really hard thing to deal with, especially when you're surrounded by people who constantly re-enforce it. I've also spent a lot of time worrying that I'm not disabled 'enough' to deserve certain accommodations, that I'm making an unnecessary fuss. But the truth is, autism IS a disability and if there are accommodations that can help support you, you deserve access to them. You're not taking away from others with disabilities by advocating for yourself.

It's taken me a long time to understand this and I still worry sometimes. What has helped is talking about my experiences with people I know understand, like my therapist or best friend, and learning about the experiences of other autistic people through books, social media, YouTube and even real life.

I'm sorry your mother and others aren't being understanding - remember that's a them problem, not you, and try to spend your time with people who do understand.

🐢🐢🐢 <- the turtles wish you luck

#🐢 #ask #anon ask #autism #actually autistic #advice #autistic #autism is a disability #its a spectrum #long post

[plural-culture-is]

i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems

#not plural culture #am i plural #plural system #plurality #actuallyplural #anonymous

[puppyeared]

Jitterbug

#whenever my meds kick in it feels like im gonna piss myself. not literally but its really really feels like it #and now whenever that happens my mind goes back to pancho (grandmas dog) at a xmas party years ago #bc he peed when we arrived bc he was so excited to see ppl and my cousin had to clean it up :o) #well for better or for worse i know that feeling now when im pumped on 20mg of adderall #im still getting used to this whole diagnosis thing cause ive gone untreated and undiagnosed for the longest time. so theres probably a lot #i still dont know and have to learn to get myself to be.. functional on my own? self managing???? #i even set up reminders on my phone for work periods meals and stuff. but the problem is actually getting myself to stick to that to a T #because the minute i slack off or something gets in the way it throws it all off until i can be bothered to get back on track. it sucks #at least ive built up other habits like writing notes and setting alarms ahead of time.. but i feel like i could do better #its always hard to change something if youve been doing it wrong for the longest time. especially behaviour and thinking patterns. sigh #in other news my glasses bailed on me so i have to get a new pair sometime. i just realized i never draw my sona with glasses but thats #mostly bc i forget. id love to get some browline glasses like my old pair but im picky and its hard to find one id like for the next 5 year #i also finally managed to collect all the fish in my animal crossing file!!! pulled out a char last week and boom now i have a poster :o) #THAT was a moment where i almost peed myself for real. id love to get all the bugs but i cant stay up late on the switch :o( #yapping #my art #myart #doodles #personal #diary

[sporesgalaxy]

While we're on the topic of trans stuff, I hope it's alright if I ask a question!!

I know you had long hair for a while, and that you ended up cutting it all off, and I'm just wondering how you felt about it? Did you have any anxiety beforehand? How was it after?

Totally cool if you don't wanna answer ofc!! I hope ur doing okay :^)

Yes!! I was anxious, bc I wasn't sure how it'd look! But since a friend of mine was the one cutting it, when the moment finally came I had an attitude of like "well, we're making silly memories! who cares!" So it ended up being a lot of fun!

But I'd wanted short hair for YEARS before that, and for YEARS I was unable to work up the nerve to go ask a professional hairdresser to cut it. Didn't help that some family was politely discouraging me, but whatever. Point is, I had a lot of time to get used to/learn to fight off the anxiety lol, and in my experience waiting longer just kept me unhappy and uncertain longer!

The thing I tried to keep in mind is that hair grows back!! you can always grow it out longer again if you don't like it. Yes it will look awkward for a while if you do that, but to me it was worth finding out if I liked it shorter than I'd ever tried before! And I'm so glad I cut it now! If I'd never taken the chance, I'd never have known how much I like it this short!

Ok I'm going to ramble some more about the specific Functional and Sensory benefits I've found short hair had compared to long hair, for me anyways, but this is already quite long so. readmore upon ye

•••

People may tell you "ohh you'll have to fix your hair and put product in it every day when its short" but what they DONT tell you is that it is SO MUCH EASIER TO FIX YOUR HAIR WHEN THERE IS WAY LESS HAIR TO FIX!!

I can dump like 2 cups of water on my head and its wet, and it dries in like 30 minutes. Combing it is SUPER fast, slapping some pomade in it or whatever is quick n easy. "Fixing my hair every day" was a MAJOR factor in me being intimidated out of cutting it in high school, BUT IT NEVER SHOULDVE BEEN!!! I was FOOLED!!

Ummm ahh what else. I was worried I'd miss my long hair since I'd had it for so long and tended to fiddle with it a lot just to so aomething with my hands.

But from what I remember, I didn't miss much about my old hair after I cut it. I tend to like it being long enough on top to twirl between my fingers, and it wasn't at first so I missed that as a stim, but otherwise it really felt like getting rid of a burden!

I don't get it randomly tangled in things anymore, I don't have the Literal Weight On My Shoulders, I don't finding shedded hairs wrapped around things all the time, there is NOTHING in my face when I eat!!!!!!!!!! It has been MONTHS since I found one of my own hairs in my mouth!!!!! It is nigh impossible to get even the most treacherous pancake syrups in my hair!!!!!! It's amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also never DID anything with my long hair, because every time I tried anything more ambitious than a ponytail it would hurt my scalp more than I ever felt The Look was worth, so I didn't find myself missing any old hairdo possibilities either. I'm still not ambitious about styling it, but I don't have to be :) even for semiformal events :D it's awesome

#asks

[moonlit-positivity]

There is such a cold, raw anger that can come from being abused as a kid and then leaving that shit behind one day to inevitably learn that the entire reason you're supposed to be alive is to do exactly the opposite of how they brainwashed you to be as a child. What the fuck you mean I have thoughts and feelings??? And now I gotta talk about them??? Were you not there when they smacked my lips as a kid and told me to shut the fuck up anytime I opened my mouth to speak??? Were you not there when I had to hide myself away time and time again because I said and did something that went against the Standard Child NPC dialogue and that made them mad at me for basically existing out of the realm they expected of me and they beat my ass for that????? Like, what the fuck do you mean the solution to all my problems is to talk about it???? Out loud???? Where other people can hear me???? Like fuck, that shit is like ripping your skin off inch by inch. And I dont know what's worse, the fact that it's not gonna move unless you acknowledge and talk about it, or the fact that everyone else in society already knows how to do shit like that and is leagues ahead of you, because theyre off expecting you to be a "normal functioning adult" by this time in your life and well well well would you know it?? No, I'm actually NOT functioning, I'm actually anything BUT FUNCTIONAL!!! I'm still stuck in my childhood when my mother would beat my ass just for breathing the wrong way!! How TF are we expected to know and understand that without experiencing the gut wrenching pain and reality that we were fucking abused as children??? Other kids were off playing and laughing and having a blast, meanwhile we were getting beat and yelled at on a daily basis and told to shut up and stop crying about it. How TF do you talk about that???

#recovery #ptsd #trauma #mental health #healing #boundaries #bpd #child abuse #trauma informed #trauma aware #abusive parents #abusive parenting #recovering from abuse #emotional immaturity #codependency #enmeshment #neglect #abuse

[i-need-some-advice-on]

would it be wrong to say i have a special interest if i dont have autism? sorry, this turned out a lot longer than i meant it to. i split it into paragraphs so it wouldnt just be a huge wall of text with no breaks.

i have adhd and i do get hyperfixations but hyperfixations generally arent this long lasting based on what i know. i might be wrong, correct me if i am but it seems like hyperfixations are for shorter periods and are really really intense. when i have a hyperfixation it can impact my ability to function in day to day life for a few weeks or even months but then it calms down. my perception of special interests is that they are still a lot more intense than just casually liking something but they are more drawn out and usually dont make it hard for you to do normal tasks.

there is one animal that i first learned about when i was pretty young. its maybe been 12 years since i first learned about them? not sure exactly. ever since i first heard about them i have loved them. they are my favorite animal and largely influenced my choice of college major. i try not to seem annoying or talk too much about them but if anyone asks about them or shows even a mild interest i have a hard time not telling them all about how incredible this animal is and i have to remind myself that most of the time theyre just acting interested to be polite and are really just trying to make small talk.

its more than just a casual interest and it genuinely impacts my life in a lot of ways but it is nothing like any hyperfixation ive ever had. its almost like its more diluted because its been spread out more you know? like a hyperfixation is like filling up a glass with water but this is like you dumped the glass into a casserole dish or something. the water level is lower but the surface area is bigger. i dont know if that makes sense. the thing is, ive only ever seen 'special interest' used by autistic people/to refer to autistic people's special interests. its the closest word i can think of to describe what this animal is to me, but i dont have autism, just adhd. also before you say have i considered that i have both: yes, i have considered it, and i am 99% sure its just adhd. i definitely dont want to take any terms that are specifically for the autistic community. would it be okay to say this animal is my special interest?

.

[kira-moonrabbit]

took a bit but that one post that i said "ten notes and i share my funy godgame cards" got the required notes. ideally i'd be reblogging said post and adding this under it but the boopometer is doing strange things to my dashboard right now.

To preserve everyone's dashboards because cards is big: READMORE! This dish contains a lot of spicy rambles of autistic machismo!

To get it all out of the way: none of these cards will enter the steam workshop. They're just funny cards for get togethers with the pals.

you will also find that i am super inconsistent with wordings and also forget important clarifications. but! that just makes the cards more fun. or less fun. it depends on how often the readers of the cards bicker, which in my case is never often. (i've only played with 2 friends thus far, but I have faith even still.)

i also cannot explain the mechanics of godgame. because.... there's a lot of mechanics. ...I mean, I can, but it's a lot of effort, especially when I don't physically have the board in front of me.

anyways here's our first card... one of my lobcorp OCs in fact!

Denny.... she's one of the originals. She's not as funky as everyone else so she doesnt see much sun nowadays but! I can count on her to be easy to make a card for at least. As the blurb says, she's not ALL hating birds. She, like, has a boyfriend. It's just very funny to play it up for the bit. (She also is easy to rile up.)

Side Note Number One... I have formats and shit. However I dont know and dont want to learn how to work photoshop. so it's all a bunch of pngs that i layer on top of one another individually rather than some sort of photoshop type thing.

this is about what it looks like. dont worry about what "overlay jewel office" means. i am not at liberty to explain jewel office because i didnt create it; i just invent the cards...

OK, card number 2!

sootpy. i drew Soot (another lobcorp OC) as peepy once. i was looking in my doodles folder for an image of another guy ive got in here and i found him. I fudged this card up in about 10 seconds not counting time spend actually putting the card together.

Actual Soot might function entirely differently from sootpy. i dont think the peanut part is capable of functioning.

Okie, next caaaaard...!

Memory Maggot! memory maggot's from my original universe type thing i call elsewhere; hence the unique background. It's a champion card, but since i'm biased and like making card backgrounds, cards from elsewhere get their own backgrounds.

originally this card had different (albeit not by much) art, but then I made my silly memory maggot pixel art and liked it better. memory maggot's a lot more than just memories, but i thought that idea for a card would be funny. and speaking of elsewhere champions...

this is the Everywhen. he also lives in elsewhere. i designed him, but at the same time i don't hold full custody over him so to speak. he's goofy levels of busted, yes, but I think Champions are allowed to be just a little bit like that. For fun.

I don't only make cards of my own OCs, though!

Example: these are the 01-kun, they're from yume 2kki. They don't actually have any of these abilities ingame, but I think I'm allowed to fudge things up a little bit when it comes to these sorts of things. Plus... it makes for a funny archetype.

Yes. The status icon for gay is dr pepper gay icon. I made that myself, actually. In the past I made a whole bunch of just. Dr pepper pride logos for some reason when I made drinking the stuff by the gallon my whole personality... I still have them, and I figured "why let them go to waste?"

This is Pupula-toru, also from Yume 2kki. This one actually has some basis in how the little guy appears ingame. Even if it is a little complicated for a basic card...

See, in yume 2kki, there's this thing called Variable 44. One of the easiest ways to check the status of this variable is to visit Pupula-Toru, as they're not too far in the dreamworlds. They'll be in one of 4 different poses depending on the variable, and two of them are asleep. Variable 44 is what changes other different forms of per-dream RNG, so knowing it is pretty useful for looking for certain things. Therefore, checking on Pupula-toru has a slight rng-manipulation association in my head, hence how it works.

...Well, errors are popping up when I try to post more images, so now I think I'll just make a reblog chain, or more posts and I'll add them to this one later. There's way more cards I wanna show off..........

#all the stuff in the chain will ALSO be readmore'd if i go that route. #so now its time... for Kira's God Game Moments.

[uselessmicrowave]

Hi,can you do a matchup for tfp(and-or)rid (and-or)tfa.(whatever you feel like honestly,even if it's just one of the above)

I am a fem with mid length thick dark brown very wavy hair(borderline curly).I have big brown eyes kinda round and almond shaped at the same time.I love exercise so I am relatively fit.My face is a bit rounded(big cheeks) with some angles.I am very pale but have a lot of moles one or two in my face but most in my arms and torso.I also have this weird birthmark(a tag in my one ear).In terms of fashion i like darker clothing with an occasional dash of pink since it's something that looks good on me.Flared pants,jean and leather jackets,leather bags from when my grandpa was in the army bcs they are functional and stylish(also they still look brand new) custom made bags with rock bands and a bag that looks like a duck(i like ducks).I also like custom made shirts with jokes regarding my personal interests (books,series ect...) and my messed up sleep schedule.

At first glance I am a bit reserved but if I am made comfortable I will open up(i kinda choose the people I will open up to).I love sarcasm and very dark humor.I will joke around a lot and I want to encourage people around me to be happy. I deeply love learning information in every form.I study physics because I love astronomy and I want to become an astronomer but I am also a big history/archeology/mythology nerd.In my free time I love learning new stuff(psychology, law, history ,random facts ect...),reading,working out and listening to music(fav song:soltitude).I like art a lot,drawing,reading about it,going to museums and exhibitions.I also love going out on nature and on all sorts of adventures but I dont have the right person to do that with.I deeply love nature and the sea since I grew up in an island.(I dont know if it helps but I am an intj)

I have clear goals in life,I am very ambitious,patient,curious and diplomatic but still have a bit of a nihilistic approach to life(in a good sense,to fuel questions about the world around me).

As I said before I can be quite reserved and appear as cold but I am a very sensitive person,an extreme overthinker.I feel insecure because when I get too comfortable/excited my voice gets really loud,I get all giddy and I have been told off about it enough times.I dont know how to receive a compliment or acts of friendship/kindness because growing up I had very bad experiences in school.However I like to be there for people and I want them to feel good around me.I like helping a lot by solving problems and being kind but I hate myself for it because I feel like I am showing weakness (but once I realise someone is a friend I am THERE no matter what)I also am the "I told you so" kind of friend but I am not judging(quite the opposite) .I deal with anxiety and I get lonely around people but I dont let it affect my social life,I really push myself out there no matter what and I always push myself to get back on my feet and keep going after bad experiences because we only have one life and we have to make the most of it.

I also am a very calm even during arguements,until someone crosses a line and hell breaks loose.

Sorry if its too long but I usually get carried away with requests,i hope its okay(maybe this it why only once in my life I got a request done by someone😂)

Hello anon! I’m matching you up with TFA Prowl and TFP Knockout + Breakdown!

Prowl

You can’t see it when you first meet, but he has heart-optics when he first sees you.

Prowl will often offer to go see the ducks in a park pond and feed them with you (even if it isn’t technically allowed to feed them).

Loves the way you dress, reminds him of bright flowers in a dark forest.

He’ll try to help you with straightening out your sleep schedule.

Appreciates that you will give him his personal space. He’s also very shy to touch, so instead of both of you being very embarrassed, you’ll sit close to him while meditating.

KO+BD

It’s alright that you feel adverse to touch, but that’s their primary love language and they feel bad for leaving you out if you don’t join in cuddling.

Breakdown also has a pretty dark taste in humor, so you’ll reflect on that and joke about things going on in the war.

They always fuel into your giddiness, never ever shutting you down unless it’s something very serious.

Knockout overthinks a lot of things, playing into more anxiety. If you spend some quality time with him though, the worries will slip away from him. You could be doing anything with him, so long as it’s in an upbeat mood and with you.

They give you so many compliments and when you respond with confusion or adversity they know something’s wrong.

#micro matchups #prowl #tfa #tfa prowl #tfa x reader #transformers animated #tfa prowl x reader #prowl x reader #tfp #tfp breakdown #tfp x reader #breakdown x reader #knockout #tfp knockout #tfp knockout x reader #knockout x reader #kobd x reader #kobd

[amalgamezz]

About your aro post in your tags you said you don’t care for any loves (romantic, familial [<- I don’t feel that one too :D] etc.) does that go for friendships as well? Or are you more of a person who doesn’t care for connection at all? I hope I worded that right…

heya, thank you for this ask, and no worries, your wordings are fine! sorry, this will be a long one because my audhd demands that i should provide full contexts 😔

as i interacted and got to know more about aplatonic and loveless communities, i found a certain solidarity/kinship with them. ever since i was in elementary, friendship has never been something i actively seek myself. i still got along well with classmates. my relationships with coworkers are chill and good. i have mutuals and friendly acquaintances here and there to talk about our shared interests. i try to maintain a good relationship with my family because capitalism sucks ass, especially for single people. in a way, this, too, is how i practice relationship anarchy — to give each casual and non-casual relationship i have a function and learn to appreciate them instead of putting the burdens on one or two committed relationships. for me, friendship has become a label for happy coincidences born out of those relationships after long and frequent interactions, if both parties desire a name for it. i have some positive connections with friends who i trust with my life, and i would mourn intensively should i lose them, but tbh, im not sure if i would personally call it "love".

i was lovequeer before i am loveless. im actually still considering myself lovequeer in a way that i strongly believe that love doesnt have to be romantic and that no kind of love is superior to the other. my personal relationship with love is complicated, but mostly sour. as an aro, i am a fierce defender of non-romantic loves. it annoys me greatly when people casually throw amatonormative phrases such as "there is no platonic explanation for this" or "friends dont do that" around. it is usually a hopeless and lonely battle because people dont really care about "not all loves are romantic" until you reject the concept of love altogether. more often than not, it becomes a gotcha towards aros who express their frustration with obsession over love by society.

this frustration, too, drew me closer to the concept of lovelessness. lovelessness means different things to different people, but for me, its the rejection of love being a superior, necessary, or moral trait of a human being. i had a knee-jerk reaction at first when i learned the term, but the more i read about it and introspect, the more it resonates with me. i remember how my parents hit me when i was a kid. i remember my aunt chewed me out in front of my entire family for expressing my wish to stay single and childless. i remember being driven to tears as my dad sneakily threw out a gift from my friend that i hung on my car and replaced it with a rosary. when asked why, they said because they wanted what was best for me. because they wanted me to be happy. because they loved me. it all sounded contradictory, but i have been with them long enough to know that they were being genuine. i dont wanna think its not a real love because i dont find it useful and more often than not, it only makes me question myself if i have been a fair evaluator and get guilty when i think im not. instead, i just have to accept that good intentions dont always bring good outcomes. their love is real, but its like a sun that burns and hurts more intensively the closer i get to it. i started coming to terms with love being a neutral but strong emotional motive that drives humans to do something — just like pleasure, joy, anger, sadness, envy, etc. whether you do good, bad, or neither because of it solely depends on you. i can acknowledge that they love me, but that doesnt mean they should be able to use it as an excuse to hurt me. this applies to all kinds of love.

i have nothing against love or the people who cherish it, but as i start dissecting and understanding more about love, it becomes less and less significant in my life. i start to realise that i dont need to love someone to bring them happiness or do good for them. i dont need to love my friends to care for or emotionally support them when they need it. i dont need to love my mutuals or even strangers to consider donating for their groceries. i dont need to love the victims of war to condemn the hideous crimes committed against them by some certain govts. love doesnt make me human. i just simply am, and im happy with the loveless relationships/connections i currently have.

#long post #ask #anon #hope this makes sense! #my toxic trait is that i start rambling even when the question asked is extremely simple

[itsaspectrumcomic]

this is kind of a vent and a bit of a silly rambled story (ooo story time! but feel free to ignore it if you want it wont bother me)

so i have been researching autism and adhd for roughly a year and a half now and its kinda become a special interest of mine (wild i know lmao) and its actually how i got my adhd diangosis! funnily enough the therapist who diagnosed me for adhd and evaluated me for asd was biased and had no knowledge about adhd or autism... :-] pained smile

(im afab and my sibling is amab and the comparisons between our assesments is insane. they got assesed easily but for me, the therapist was reluctant and judgemental. a great start i know /sarc)

anyway the therapist told me that i couldnt be autistic because even though i scored high, the test my PARENTS filled out for my childhood was very low. i wasnt even asked about my childhood experiences when it came back with a low score. i was just brushed off and told that it was only my adhd and that if i WAS autistic (which im not, according to her) that i would be "high functioning" and that "high functioning" people arent actually autistic. not word for word because i was half listening in shock but the general idea is still there. i have no clue how i even went to this woman tbh.

i have since made a list and included evidence for all the traits ive had since infancy but my parents 100% took the therapists word and are now completely convinced that there is zero chance that i can be on the autism spectrum. fun fact i think theyre both on the spectrum as well and ive talked to my sibling about it too. its wild lol

the thing is i keep going back and forth between denial and acceptance thinking i may be on the spectrum and ive had plenty of friends both professionally and self diagnosed tell me that i am on the spectrum but i cant help but accidentally find ways to invalidate myself and my experiences. i dont know if its worth it to get a professional diagnosis or to just exist as self diagnosed because they both have strong pros and cons. its all very confusing but i can wait 2 years until im a legal adult so i can at least try to get an assesment from a therapist who actually understands autism

i apologize for being so long winded and for any gramatical/spelling errors but i just wanted to thank you for making this blog in general. it feels very validating despite what other people and my negative thoughts try to say about my brain :-] i hope youre doing well !!

'"high functioning" people arent actually autistic'

UGH I hate that so much. I'm not really a fan of the the terms 'high functioning' and 'low functioning' anyway because it doesn't cover how autistic people can be really good at some things and struggle a lot with other things (also known as having a 'spiky profile') and just 'high' or 'low' doesn't properly take that into account, and then there's the whole questionable use of 'functioning' but that's a whole other discussion....

I'm sorry your parents aren't listening. Since autism can be genetic, it's fairly likely they are also on the spectrum and never noticed the traits when you were growing up because it all seemed normal to them.

It's a very personal decision whether or not to try for an official diagnosis, but whatever you decide is valid! The important thing is gaining self-acceptance and learning what works for you. Good luck and I'm so glad you're enjoying this blog :)

#ask #anon ask #long post #its a spectrum #autism diagnosis