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mylittleredgirl · 1 month

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i know some of you have been pressing your faces to the glass waiting for me to see this one in particular SO i saw "the nurses" the other night and am still thinking about it!!

i love love love it when characters get pushed to a point where you can almost see their childhood selves pop out, like are they even talking about what's happening right now? or are their 12-year-old hearts just screaming?? i love that margaret's outburst is both irrational (the hostile work environment is coming from inside the house; i was yelling at my tv "baby it's your fault!!!") and so so honest.

[this turned into a bit of a character thesis, so not only is there a readmore, there will also be a reblog soon with the rest of the post because i maxed out the image limit] [edit: part ii now in the reblogs!]

this whole time, margaret has treated her subordinates with a heavy hand because she thinks it's the right and fair thing to do. the rules say this is how it works!

she maintains a high standard of excellence in brutal circumstances, but she's also reactive, moody, and unforgiving. she's often shown on the edge of losing control and authority, she inflames situations by overreacting, and the thing she punishes most egregiously is disrespect (toward frank, toward the army, toward herself). she intentionally underlines the distance between herself and the other nurses at every turn.

from season 3 "there's nothing like a nurse": [all IDs in alt]

really, everything she thinks and does comes from a place of "they're not supposed to like me," but the childish part of her that is completely unable to see her own behavior is confused and hurt because "i'm just doing my job so why don’t they like me???"

it's her job to maintain discipline, but especially here in 4077-land, she doesn't have to lead with the whip. henry was beloved because he was an overly permissive clown, which will never be her speed, but colonel potter has all the same training as she does. he's loved and respected as the Good Regular Army Guy because he leads with discernment and mutual respect.

it's easier for him. he's more experienced, he's respected and supported from above and below, and he has a calm temperament — which isn't nothing.

from season 4 "the interview":

whether she's aware of this as a problem or not, we at home can see how margaret's inability to control her emotional reactivity causes her as much grief as her inability to control other people.

if she were capable of laughing off small slights, hawkeye and trapper wouldn't have used her as a chew toy so much, and henry might have taken her real concerns more seriously if they weren't lost in the noise of daily fits, you know? she rarely started it, so i'm not blaming her for the hostile chaos circus of seasons 1-3, but i am saying she would have had a better time if she knew how to take a few deep breaths.

this description from the script, after the near-brawl in the nurses' tent in act one, is basically her character thesis statement:

and here, when she's reacting fully emotionally, the truth comes out! the reason that she won't be flexible and show compassion to the nurses isn't because of the rules, but because they're mean to her!!

that's obviously a very bad place to lead from. she has enormous institutional power over them, including controlling their freedom of movement, but she feels like all the other girls in school are hanging out together and they hate her. because they are! and they do! the fight in act one boils over when they make fun of her hair, and that sent all of them back to middle school.

and in many ways, that's where margaret's emotional maturity is stuck (which is, i think, why i find her so endearing). she can't see herself. she knows they don't like her, trust her, or want her around, but she doesn't understand how she dug this hole herself, or how to get out of it.

to add insult to jealous injury, one of the nurses (mary jo, who gets between margaret and baker to stop the fight and takes care of the others in different ways) is margaret's age, and the others look to her as their chosen leader and personal support.

and i'm sure margaret had NO IDEA this was the messy truth until she heard it come out of her mouth.

and her emotionally breaking on the "one lousy cup of coffee" in particular…

i wonder, how often does some version of that first tent scene happen? does she deliver their assignments every night? she walks in already defensive, they immediately stop laughing, and then... she either finds a reason to scold them or they ice her out until she leaves. (and they probably start laughing again as soon as she does!)

from her perspective, when she arrived for the dreaded sleepover and they turned out the lights the minute she walked in, it's like they cancelled the nightly coffee klatch just to avoid spending one social minute with her.

i also think the nurses are right when they assumed that she wouldn't have accepted an invitation to hang out with them (and might even have snapped at them for being inappropriate for asking). she doesn't cross that emotional line, even when she should — she didn't know gaynor was spiraling after losing so many patients in a row, and didn't respond compassionately when she learned.

has she ever invited them for coffee or a friendly chat? no.

...... but her circumstances have recently changed.

[reblog with the rest of it is here!]

#margaret houlihan #mash #mashblogging #margaret is a holy hot mess and i love her sooooo much

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chosok-amo · 3 months

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Sukuna that has a big fat crush on his lil bro Yuuji's upperclassmen friend that tutors him🤭💞

SHAPESHIFTED: RYOMEN SUKUNA

she was there, sitting beautifully and started filling the room, it was hard not to notice her glisten, when all the lights in the room— even the moon that peaks from the creek of the window darted like a spotlight on her, ‘your eyes might not be the color of the ocean but I get drown just by taking a secret glance, how do you do that? shapeshited and makes me fall in love with you?’

content warning: fluff, nothing else

sorry it takes me a lot of time to write this, I'm busy working on my thesis right now, and sorry I don't make exactly like your request but I hope you enjoy it 😊

THIS WAS FROM SUKUNA'S POV

UH OH, I'M FALLING IN LOVE

the moon is bright and the day is still young, i was just walking downstairs when i heard my brother's voice alongside a soft, feminine unfamiliar one. i kept my feet moving until i was able to see who the voice belonged to. she is sitting there with her small back facing me, body so tiny i'm afraid her friends had to lose her every time they were walking in the crowd. i keep on looking at her small frame until the brother of mine snaps me out of my own thought.

“sukuna.”

and just like that, she turned around, finally showing me how pretty someone could get with a honey voice like that. and suddenly, our eyes locked and if this is what people tell you about love at first sight i think they're having no idea what they were talking about. it doesn't make my head fuzzy and the world doesn't stop moving and the noise isn't running faded into the background like the movie show, but this? i feel hurt inside my chest like my heart alone wants to run and give it to her by itself.

she stands, showing me the biggest and the brightest someone could ever smile, it's beautiful, it's like a symbol of happiness, she looks happy, she looks like art even. and art was supposed to make you feel something, maybe that could explain why my heart is trembling. a quiet curiosity was planted into my chest, brain and I knew it was only a matter of time before she sunk beneath my bones, nurtured this deep-seated unfamiliarity into love so fierce, yet blithering, carefree and unconcerned, hopefully— that I would question if I had ever been in love before.

my hand becomes one with her, skin to skin as she takes my hand for her to hold— wishing it could stay longer after the void of nothingness hugging my hand back. she introduced herself to me but all I could hear was just the thunder underneath my flesh, underneath my ribs. yuji looking at me weirdly, doesn't get used to the way I reacted, i can feel his brown big eyes practically narrowing at me, but I choose not to pay him attention.

“she's going to tutor me, please don't do anything stupid or make too much noise,” he warned me. i flutter my eyes before catching a sight of him with his eyebrows up to his forehead. I rolled my eyes before waving my hand, and dismissed him off as if it meant nothing— well, It is, indeed. I'm a quiet person, unlike him, I'm not a menace to society. “yeah, yeah, whatever,” in boredom, i said to him and brought my feet to walk away from the living room to go to the kitchen.

i take a pack of cheese out of the fridge and slam it lightly on the counter. put pressure on the counter with my two palms before letting out a sigh. looking at the invisible living room, hoping my eyes suddenly had an x-ray superpower to take a glimpse of her again but to fail. “of course, what the fuck was I thinking?” a mumble under my breath could be heard. dramatically, I put my hand to my chest— hesitation felt in my blood. as I was feeling the thunder in my heart, I wail.

my knee abruptly turns into jelly, no longer having the ability to support my body as I slide down to the floor, back sticking to the wall of the counter. “what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck— what the fuck?!” I yell in whispered, finger pointing at my heart with narrowed eyes. “what the fuck is wrong with you?” I asked, hoping there was some machine error inside of me that's gonna be the cause of whatever was happening inside.

“you like her,” there's a whisper.

I laugh humourless, forcing myself. “yeah, bless her delusional heart,” I scoff while rolling my eyes. I do not like her, in fact, I despise her. her weirdly bright smile does not give me a whole damn zoo, her honeyed voice does not calm my nerves. she's not gonna be something I be thinking about for a whole week. she's just my brother's friend. just looking at her I can tell she's gonna be an annoying person and weird. “right, she must be a bitch,” I mumble, talking gibberish just so I can convince myself.

“she's beautiful, doesn't she?” that whisper again.

I went quiet for a moment, getting pulled by nostalgia back to a moment ago. my red eyes stared at nothingness dreamingly without I realized. the smile she gave kept replaying inside my head like a broken record, “yeah, she's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.” the whisper could be heard, over and over again, hypnotising me to keep thinking about her.

“you like her, don't you?”

“do I?”

the whispered whispering in my ear as I felt a hot wind clouding my ear. and that time I realized that it wasn't my head tricking me, that wasn't some demon or angel like you see in movies whispering to someone. “oh you sure do,” again with the whispering. quickly I snap my neck to the side only to find yuji with his ugly ass face close to me. “what the fuck— Yuji!” he laughed as I jumped in surprise.

he stands straight as he puts both hands inside his pocket. “you look stupid, what are you doing sitting there?” he asks, smiling knowingly while his eyebrows arise. I cleared my throat before shrugging my shoulder, “just chilling,” I mumbled. he just kept looking at me for a while before rolling his eyes. “man, you're so weird when you're in love, so fucking weird,” he sight and walk away. i stand in second, “what the fuck do you mean?” I asked, feeling offended obviously. he just waved his hands nonchalantly without looking back.

“uh oh, am I falling in love?”

OH NO, I'M FALLING IN LOVE

“is that blood?”

she looked up at me blankly, no thought behind those eyes, looking dumbfounded as she battled her eyelashes like she was trying to process the information. “y/n, is that blood?” I asked again. “no?” she answered with another question. I rolled my eyes, “that's not a question you were supposed to answer with another question,” I told her, seeing her white skirt got stained with something red. she pulled her skirt, showing me a quite big scar on her knee, “i fell,” she whimpered as if she was about to cry. her big doe eyes looking at me with quiver lips. I bit my lower lip, trying to contain myself from laughing and cooing at how cute she looked right now.

“wait here.”

I patted her head before going to the kitchen and coming back with a box of first aid kits in hand. I sit myself next to her and pull her closer by her under the knee. “you're so clumsy,” I mumble— treating her wounds. I took a glimpse of her before looking down at her knee. a light chuckle left me without I realized. there she is, eyes shut tightly, one hand covers her mouth while the other one knead with eyebrows narrowed— oh god, she's so cute.

“don't laugh,” she wailed, hitting my shoulder lightly.

again, I laugh, “sorry y/n, you're just too cute— alright, I'm done.”

after, I brought my face to look at her only to find her face changed into bright red as if all of her blood was rushing to her head. “are you okay?” I asked, worried if her wounds might be the cause of her state. “—your face is red, are you feeling hurt?” I asked again. my backhand touched her forehead, “you're burning, should we go to the doctor? I think yuji—”

“you shouldn't say something like that so casually,” she finally opened her mouth but her voice came out nearly whispering. I feel my forehead frown when the confusion consumes me. “huh? what?” she stared at me for a while, and I never knew that ‘for a while’ could bring so many things to my veins. they're doing it again, the hurt in my chest, the adrenaline rushing through my blood. my heart beating so fast it's literally banging on my flesh, so loud I'm afraid she can hear it.

she smiles, “I'm fine.”

I cleared my throat as I looked away for a second before pointing at her skirt. “go change your skirt, it's dirty. yuji might take a while to come home and I refuse to let you ride your stupid bike again after the stunt you pulled,” I said. she's open her mouth, about to protest before I look at her with a stern look, making her change her mind in a split second without me even realising. so without saying anything I went to my room and came back with a black shorts. “thanks,” she mumbled softly as her hand reached the shorts before going to the bathroom. I wait for her to change and sit in the living room, switching the tv on.

for a few minutes, I sat there in silence until she was slowly sitting back at the end of the sofa. my mind went blank with the tv noise as a background sound while pleasing her with a glance one to two— she looked straight to the tv but I know she watched nothing. pretty little hands fiddling with the fabric of my shorts that she's wearing. and maybe that's not gonna stay mine any longer since she looked better in it than me. would it be weird if I wanted her to keep the short? especially when I'm not her boyfriend.

“did yuji know you're here?” I asked, not very fond of the silence that filled the room, also trying not to corrupt my mind with something I shouldn't think about. “yeah, but he hasn't replied yet, but we made a plan a week ago, so yeah..” I nodded. just like that we flew back again to where we were before— silences.

we stay like that for a good minute until I hear soft giggles, making me turn my head to look at where the sound comes from— her. her eyes were already looking at me, “why do you keep looking at me?” she asked. I was stunned, mouth shut as I realized I never looked away from her. “you staring, am I that beautiful for you to keep your eyes on me?” she jokingly said, another fit of soft giggles leave her pretty mouth, making me smile in return. I kept looking for a while then nodded, “yeah, you're that beautiful,” I breathe. and just like that her smile quickly faded into the void and faced the other way. I feel giddy seeing her shy state and this time, my turn to giggle.

“are you shy, y/n?” I asked.

she quickly hid her face with the palms of her hands, looking away. I move closer, “are you shy, y/n?” I asked again, teasingly as I poked her shoulder. a muffled voice of squealing could be heard. she moved her shoulder as I kept on poking her. I hold her wrist and pull it out of her face only for her to stiffen her hands and giggle. “oh come on, let me see that beautiful face of yours,” I laughed a little. she shook her head and again, tried to turn away. I kept on pulling her hands, and the moment I successfully pulled her hands away, it was already too late to realize that our face was an inch away.

her cheeks were crimson red, plump lips were slightly open as her hot breath touched my cheeks. and again, everything starts to blur, noise muffled to the background. I force my lips to put on a tight line for a moment as I look into her eyes to her lips, suddenly having the urge to kiss her. it's not like I don't have the urge to kiss her every time for nearly two months, but this time? I feel like I'm gonna die and regret the way I live for the rest of my life if I don't feel the softness of her lips in mine.

“can I kiss you?” so I asked, whispering.

“yes,” she whispered back.

I never realized a single word can mean so much to me. who knows an agreement from someone can make my heart beat so fast but this time I'm not afraid if she heard the beating, I want her to hear the beating, I want her to know that my heart already belonged to her way before I have the right to, as if it was hers in the first place. my eyes widened after the second I realized, oh no, I'm falling in love.

OH, I'M FALLING IN LOVE

“are you there?” a soft voice from the other side asks.

I let out a sigh, unintentionally making a cloud of smoke in the air while I hugged my body with one hand while the other one pressed the tiny technology in my ear. “physically yes, mentally is debatable,” I told her. shivering got nailed in my body, caused by the cold weather. I chew my lips, hoping it starts to warm soon. soft smile printed on my lips after I hear angelic giggles from the other side, “oh please, don't be party pooper, I'll be there with you in a second,” she said.

I waited a moment before my body got slammed into the tree by something tiny and soft. a hand pulled my neck before the warmness touched my lips. I let out a relief breath as I made a circle around the waist of her. my eyes closed, following the way her lips moved on mine. “that's not fair, y/n, you can't corrupt me with something like that,” I complained after the kisses broke. she smiles, “but you love it.” I rolled my eyes in annoyance before smiling back at her.

she opened her bag and pulled out something pink. my eyebrows instantly lifted as I caught her eyes sparkling. “what is it?” I ask, cautiously. she wrapped my neck with the ‘something pink’ that turns out to be a scarf. “It's cold, you should wear something to keep you warm,” she said, still smiling. “but it's pink,” again, I complained. this time, it was her turn to raise her eyebrows. “yeah, and?” she asked, looking confused as if I said something stupid with the oblivion. “i know it is pink,” she chuckled.

“i don't want to wear it, it's pink. I mean, did you even look at me? the tattoo on my face? the red in my eyes?”

she became more confused, “it doesn't match my vibe,” I told her, only for her to roll her eyes. “oh please, you look cute,” she sang happily, fixing the scarf around my neck. “but I don't want to look cute, please take this off,” I argued while trying to take the scarf off. she slap my hand in return, “but I made this for you,” she pouting, eyes almost looking like a dog. I was stunned, eyes wide open with her beautiful reflection in my iris. “you made this?” she nodded, still pouting. I let out a sigh, “fine.” out of thin air, the sparkle that was before lost in her eyes now bolting back, brightening it before I even realised.

under the cold weather, those eyes and all the sparkle made me feel warm. I could wear anything pink, from head to toe, I could do anything just so I could get to see those eyes simmering with the warmth of happiness. her and those eyes, I'm willing to kiss the ground she walked to, each step, if it means her eyes would be on me.

“kuna, come on, walk faster!”

she looked behind her— me, smiling with her hand that was covered with a thick glove waving at me. “be careful, it's slippery,” I told her. she stopped for a moment to hold my hand and softly dragged me to the fun fair. I watched her frame from behind, eyeing the way her body moved, gracefully like art in motion. her cheeks blended with crimson pomegranates as if all of the splendour of winter bent to her will. people say everything was a reflection of lights, and maybe that could explain her, she was the combination of all the prettiest light that exists.

she's beautiful and adorable and warm and everything in between. the first time you meet someone you're not gonna notice the waves of their hair, but the first I meet her I notice each wave, the way she stands, and speak, and smiles, her face becomes something I'll be thinking about next week, and five months ago I don't even know she exists but now i don't know if I'll still exist if she's not here.

she's more beautiful than any flower, she's like gold at the end of a rainbow, she's like a light of sunshine beneath the thunderstorm. just like the old poem said, If I had told the sea about her, what I felt about her, it would have left its shores, its shells, its fish, and followed me. its would have been filled with curiosity about the girl who's been shaking the sky and sea, the cause of my religiously praying when I don't even believe in god.

how does she shapeshifted like this? she becomes something I admire. the things that I usually overlook now become something that I desire. how did she do that? how did she make me fall in love with her?

oh, I'm falling in love.

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callingmelili · 3 months

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A deal.

So I am currently in a virtual class and I should probably be paying attention. I'm sure my teacher would not be impressed by me writing this when I'm supposed to be taking notes, but of course this would be the moment for the horny muse to come back. I may have a second part thought out too.

My set up is the usual, full-body mirror, one of those light rings I used to make fun of other girls from having, mat on the floor in case the gif he sends requires me to kneel. Mark's contact winks at me from the messaging app on my phone, online and writing. His messages always come between seven and ten pm, never at the same time, the bastard has been taking up this window of time every Friday for the last three months.

This time around, the message comes early.

It's only a gif, but it's the worst one so far. A girl kneeling on the floor in knee socks, hair in pigtails , tits bouncing inside a lace bralette as she bounces on a dildo stuck to the floor. A text comes in right after. 'You have 20 minutes, Mia.'

I sigh and head for my dresser, this is the first time one of Mark's gifs goes that far. But do i have another choice? I don't. He is not my boyfriend, he is not a man I can say not to, even if he didn't have a bunch of humiliating videos of me --if he made them public, he'd be shooting himself in the foot anyways, I have proof that he's the only person I've sent them to-- he has something worse… for now.

He and I have a deal. No, really. We do.

Honestly, when he first caught me cheating on a test, I thought I was done for. He was my advisor at the moment, able to report me without breaking a sweat. I never have been a particularly good student and I would have been done for.

I didn't make it this far into graduate school without being decently stubborn, though and I grasped at the one straw still within my reach. I would laugh at how cliche it is if it wasn't my life right now.

Obviously I told him to ask anything of me. I had seen how he looked at me during our one-on-one thesis, I was fully expecting to be asked to get on my knees and blow him, I was also more than prepared to do it if it spared me expulsion.

What he asked for was… a step further.

But I really had no other choice. It was either do this until the end of the semester or face being exposed and expulsed. So far he has only asked me to emulate the gifs, nitpicking only rarely. I had to do a couple repeat performances of the fourth gift he sent me of a blonde girl deepthroating a dildo. He kept saying it was not 'far enough' and my face was not 'red enough', pouting, I scroll up to glare at the finished product of that particular exchange. My eyes are watering and my cheeks are flaming red. Brown hair frames my face as I furiously work the dildo in and out of my mouth. It takes me a while to look away.

"I better get this over with," I say to no one in particular before turning up the light and leaving the camera on standby.

Sighing, I get my hair into the pigtails first before getting the dildo with the suction cup out from it's usual place in a box under my underwear. I have no bralette's that look just like the girl's so I end up wearing the top of a swimsuit instead. The socks I do have a pair of similar ones, only in baby blue rather than pink. Mark usually doesn’t mind small changes due to unavailability of certain items in my apartment, and anyways it shows about the same amount of skin.

"And now as for the pose…" The mat has to go so the dildo can stick to the floor and I can feel the skin of my knees protest as soon as I lower myself over it. The silicone meets slick, oversensitive flesh and I am torn between feeling shame or being relieved that I don't have to warm myself up for it. My thighs are already shaking, skin prickling at the cold of the floor and how a hear seems to have settled deep within my pelvis.

As if on cue, my phone buzzes with a message, then another and another.

'5 minutes left, Mia.'

'Tic, toc.'

Drawing in a shaky breath I reach forward and turn the camera on. It's set up to stream only to him. Sometimes he will return the favor, I found it gross at first but it's even stranger to do all these things while only hearing his voice coming from my computer speakers. "You could be trying more with the top." He laughs, speak of the devil. Tonight he wants to keep his face hidden it seems, it doesn’t show up in the computer screen.

"Just why would you think I would have that sort of underwear?" I hiss.

I can imagine him shrugging. "You're the type that's usually prepared? Anyhow, I don't like it, just take it off."

"But--"

"Take it off, you're bare-cunted already. What's the damage with me seeing your nipples?"

My thighs shake. "Fine." The bra is the tie-up kind, two swift pulls and it's falling off my tits, leaving my nipples to stand in response to the cold air in the room. "Damn, you could do a better job pretending you don't like this. I can see how wet your cunt is from here."

I roll my eyes at the camera. "I like to be prepared, as you said." I lick my lips, glancing at the mirror. "Lets just get this over with."

"Aye," he laughs, "Well, first off, sit down baby. Aren't your knees getting tired?"

Of course, he means sit down on the dildo I am hovering over. I do so, slowly. Wet as I am, the intrusion stretches me beyond what I'm prepared for, making the descent a little shaky and making me moan. "That's a nice face," mark comments.

"Fuck-- Fuck you." I say, glaring at the camera.

"Of course you wish it was me baby." I can imagine him grinning. "Alas, you're gonna have to do the work there. I believe the girl on the gif has her legs spread out wider." I shiver, but do as told. I can feel the tip of the dildo pressing up into my cervix. "No, wider." I whine. "Wait, no, that's too wide, go back."

The inside of my thighs is wet already, moving on the dildo proves easier than it should. "Good?" I ask, between forced breaths.

"Hmm, good. But stick your ass out more." I do, and the tip of the dildo brushes something that makes me lose my balance and cry out. "Ha! Well, that isn't quite it but do stay there." He laughs, again. "Now, start bouncing."

If I could I'd sag with relief, but all I can do is bounce and hope he's satisfied soon.

Five minutes later I can't believe how wrong I was. "Nope, stop!" He calls, like he's directing a porno and I guess he is. I can't help the protesting jerk of my hips when he does. "Get off on this later, will you?" He huffs. "Cross your eyes more, Mia, and stay still for a second." Time stretches, silent for far more than a second. "Ok, now."

It's the second time he does it, and there are a third and a fourth. I'm not dripping on only the dildo now, but also the floor. He doesn't care, I'm sure enough now that he's somehow learned to see when I'm close and he always stops me at that point before pleasure becomes pure heat. "Isn't that enough?" I pant after the latest interruption.

"No, again. Push your chest out, show the girls off, will you?" His voice is lower now than it ever is in class and I'm so tired by now, knees aching and core throbbing that I just mindlessly obey, eyes crossing, hips slamming down once, twice, three times. This time he doesn’t stop talking, but none of his words urge me to stop or slow down this time. Rather, Mike encourages me. I can't say he compliments me but it's all the same to my foggy mind. "That's it Mia. That's it little whore. The tongue is a nice detail but you're going to have to repeat this performance just for that." He laughs. "No, don't stop on my account, you're too far gone. I thought you weren't getting off on this? My little, pathetic Mia, don't think I haven't noticed just how you get all the other times." It's only his voice filling the room, only his voice and the sound of my ass slapping into the floor, losing rhythm as I come closer and closer, slumping forward and losing form. I know he'll make me repeat it now, I don't care, I just want to cum. "That's right, that's all you want isn't it? Not even to be free from our little deal, you'd sell yourself out for an orgasm, wouldn't you? Well go ahead."

I just want to cum, and I do.

Afterwards, I'm slumped forward, dildo still halfway inside me as I catch my breath. That's when I hear the tell-tale sound of the lock on the front door, and then a familiar voice, coming from both the living room and my computer. "By the way Mia I forgot to tell you I'd be dropping by to drop some material for your thesis off." Mark laughs, it echoes off the walls. "I also wanted to talk about a couple of things. Stay right where you are and maybe I'll be nice and give you a passing grade on this little recreation of ours, even though you didn't get it quite right."

#dumbification #mind control #story #blackmail #corruption kink #exhibtionist

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piplupcola · 1 month

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Some shameless POS literally used AI to steal my friend's animated film

I usually don't post stuff like this but this shit's insane and downright insulting. I graduated from Ringling College of Art and Design in 2022, a pretty well known animation school in the US, and every animation student on their final year of college has to make an animated film for our final thesis. If you have any idea of the animation making process, you would know that making an entire film by yourself in one year is batshit insane and extremely exhausting, to the point where I'm still feeling the effects of the process on my physical and mental wellbeing 2 years after I graduated. Once more, my friends and I did it during the covid period, which was another level of hell. I was literally watching my grandfather's funeral while working in the labs at 2am because I couldn't fly home to attend it because we had to make this film. This film was our lifeblood, the culmination of 4 years of hell at school which was suppose to be our gateway into the industry. Tldr, it's fucking difficult to do, especially on your own.

So imagine 2 years later and I wake up to a bunch of messages on our alumni chat where a dear friend of mine posted a link to a tiktok video of someone literally stealing her entire film and superimpose it shot by shot and claim it as their own ad for their AI game. As animators, we aren't unaware of people stealing our films and reposting them elsewhere. Heck my own film "The End" was stolen from our school vimeo and posted on tiktok BEFORE IT WAS EVEN OFFICIALLY RELEASED, and that tiktok got hundreds of thousands of views while a year after my own real release my film is still struggling in the thousands.

But this

This is a fucking new low.

Can you imagine? A fresh graduate going through literal blood sweat and tears to make a film on their own that is so important to their future in the industry, to get them a job, with a film that represents a part of themselves to the world, just used as fodder for some stupid tech assholes? It's infuriating. It's insulting. It's literally a big fuck you to the hundreds of students who spent their lives toiling to make these films from the heart who are just desperate to get into the industry.

The animation industry right now is in complete shambles. People are graduating from animation schools with thousands of dollars in dept only to be met with a wasteland of minimum wage and lack of funding and competing for jobs with people who have already been in the industry for years affected by the massive layoffs not only in the movie but also the gaming industries. These films we make for our thesis aren't just films made for fun, they represent our lifeblood, our only opportunity to get a job as a graduate in this sea of hell. If you didn't make a good film, chances are you're never even stepping foot in the industry ever. It's our golden ticket that we would put thousands of hours through, sleepless nights and pushing through no matter the circumstances of sickness and pain it caused us.

And now some dumb fucking AI using dickbags see that and decide it's worth nothing.

Here's a link to my friend's real film. Please go watch it and support her work. I'm not even gonna link the other piece of shit tiktok because I don't want that video to even get a single extra view but here's a recording my friend made so you can see this malarkey side by side.

It's heartbreaking to see my friend's film barely getting any views while the stolen garbage is already in the thousands. I hope the person who stole my friend's work and made that shit dies in a fiery car crash and go straight to hell.

I cannot emphasise how we must not let this shit continue to happen. We're living in a fucking dystopia and unless we do something about it and support those affected by it it's only going to get worse. They're already expanded from stealing people's still art to stealing people's entire films, if we don't stop this nothing we create would ever be safe.

My friend's film:

youtube

The shameless fuckheads who stole her film:

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getvalentined · 8 months

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I am so sick of people asserting that Cloud's father is some super special important person like it's some explanation for the fact that he was able to save the world. Superior bloodline stuff never sits well with me in the first place, but in this case it's just so antithetical to the actual thesis of FF7 and does such a huge disservice to multiple characters that it makes me white hot angry.

The most popular contender is President Shinra, because Cloud being a Shinra bastard would (somehow) explain why he's allowed into the company at such a young age (even though enlistment age appears to be 14 and Cloud left Nibelheim to enlist at 14) and how he wound up on so many important missions—because it can't possibly be that he's actually competent, he's so pretty, how could he possibly be competent? It's not as if we see him being staggeringly competent from jump in every title where he's featured, including those that start prior to him being forcibly mako enhanced by Hojo. Clearly this is nepotism.

After all, we know that President Shinra is always so supportive of his bastards! That's why Lazard hid his identity and worked his way up the ranks to become director of SOLDIER at the youngest possible age and then set about trying to orchestrate a hostile takeover of the company by allowing all three of his best operatives to defect in the middle of a war, a process that was only thrown off because one of them passed off every single mission where he would have had an opportunity to go AWOL.

This was clearly the result of nepotism. There's just so much nepotism going on there. Obviously.

The newest contender is Glenn Lodbrok, the lead character from the First SOLDIER section of Ever Crisis, because he's blond-haired and blue-eyed and presumably one of the first people in Project 0 to survive some level of the mako enhancement process. I guess this is supposed to mean that him being Cloud's father would be a perfect explanation for Cloud actually being capable of literally anything, since the only way for him to become the hero that was chosen by the planet to keep it alive would be if it's part of some bloodline destiny.

There are a whole host of issues with Glenn as an option here, not the least of which is the canonical lore about Cloud's father, namely that he was some nobody traveler who kinda passed through and got Claudia pregnant and then left; he may have died up in the mountains, but apparently all that was ever found was his pack, so there's no way to be sure. Further, Claudia was very young at this point—according to her original concept art declaring her to be 33 at the time of her death, she gave birth to Cloud at 16-17 years old.

Glenn is one of two possible age ranges: if he was active in the early stages of Project 0, being a character in the First SOLDIER battle royale game, then he was around 21 in 1985, meaning a 21 year old knocked up Claudia Strife when she was 15 and then walked out on her. If he's 21 during the events of Ever Crisis, which seems likely based on his character design, that would make him 14 at the oldest when Claudia got pregnant.

Okay, I know this kind of thing happens IRL, but I feel pretty confident in the statement that there is absolutely no way that that's the direction SE is taking this timeline and characterization. I'm not even sorry. That's not happening. Either he's giving "predator," or he's Deadbeat Dad: High School Freshman Edition.

But that's honestly not even the worst of it, the math not matching up is entirely irrelevant when the implications of this assertion are applied to the actual thesis of this series as a whole, to the characters we already know, to the actual lore. Claiming that Cloud is only special because of the sperm donation of a man who abandoned him literally removes any concept of his competence as a character, declaring that he's just the newest iteration in a line of "worthy" men. He can't be worth anything unless his father is worth something. He can't be good at anything unless his father is good at something.

Beyond that, it casts Claudia aside entirely, asserting that the fact that she raised Cloud doesn't matter—she may have brought him up entirely on her own, but that doesn't actually matter. She didn't instill values and morals and guidelines into him that would allow him to grow up into a man who could save the world, she was just an incubator, a nursemaid, a nanny, a cook. She was just a servant who kept him alive long enough for his father's bloodline to awaken within him and make him into the hero he was always meant to be.

Insisting that Cloud's value as a character hinges in any way on his father, a person who had no place in his life whatsoever and whom he doesn't even remember, takes away his agency and declares Claudia to be irrelevant. It says that a sperm donation matters more than an upbringing. It says that the place he started is the only thing that defines where Cloud will end up.

This is literally, 100 percent, the opposite of the thesis of this series. The entire concept of these games, of these storylines, is that the way you were made doesn't have to dictate what you can be, who you are, where you're going. Your genetics do not define you, and assumptions to the contrary are literally what make people into monsters. What matters is the people you love, the people who love you, and the person you are now as a result of those people.

And the fact of the matter is that regardless of timelines, regardless of characterizations, regardless of theories, Cloud Shinra and Cloud Lodbrok didn't save the world.

Cloud Strife did.

Claudia Strife's son did.

And I think people could stand to give both of them a hell of a lot more credit.

#fandom rant #fandom ramble #fandom bullshit #long post #cloud strife #claudia strife #FF7 #FF7R #FF7EC

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sanctus-ingenium · 8 months

Text

answering asks vol 2.

'Smiths' can encompass enginesmiths (mercury), armoursmiths (mars), alchemists (saturn) and some others - generally a smith is someone who works with engines or metal in any capacity, whether by constructing them, managing their fuel, making armour, etc. all of them have a completely degendered role in the church. They are supposed to be wholly devoted to their craft & church, to the point of becoming almost unpeople, sexless.

I like pantera :) he's the main character beast sure (alongside leun) but he's got a lot of interesting history and has been through a lot.

To start out I do some basic sketches while looking at bestiary diagrams of the animal type. Then I draw the base proportions over a photo of the animal's skeleton. Once the joints are all in place and I could imagine it moving relatively freely, I pick a motif and design the armour shapes with that in mind (i.e leun's trefoils, taurus's waves). The motifs come from a bunch of sources - if I see them in medieval art around that animal, the beast's use purpose, the culture that built them and how it might differ in art styles to the 'basic' designs from the heart of the Mezian theocracy. Fun stuff like that.

As an exercise I have taken (human) characters from other settings and made holy beast versions of them, trying to imagine what animal it would be, what weapons, what armour designs, etc. Behold, Bowman:

It's a fun exercise! I recommend :>

Hi! Thank you for the suggestion! I actually did try to use OneNote for my thesis but I found that it ended up an extra step that got in the way. Instead I organised my reference papers manually (and wrote up all my bibliography by hand as well). I haven't heard of Notion so I might look into it :> as someone with adhd I find that the best way for me is to make it stupid easy, which is why discord works because I already use it for talking with friends and I like the mobile app.

SO true!! You can make whatever the hell you want forever and that sounds really cool, I'm glad I was able to help in some little way >:) (although, holy beasts are not robots.. i think the best description for them is just. exotic vehicles.)

lmao it's totally fine!! I love to talk

Sir Heaven had such a profoundly negative experience with Leun that he struggles with the concept of making anybody else do what he now considers to be his burden. He also feels that taking any new people inside Leun would endanger them.

The bishop of Salvius cathedral is the guy Heaven answers to, and his superior officer. The bishop has reported the matter to the pope and they're still working hard presenting new potential novices to Sir Heaven, but the thing is that Sir Heaven rejects them for seemingly valid reasons. He doesn't just say 'no I'm not taking apprentices', he says 'this one's reaction speed isn't good enough' or 'this one is too prideful'. But the longer he tries to keep this up, the more suspicion he heaps on his shoulders. If the time came, no, he would not be able to deny a direct order from the pope.

Ketjan was selected at random, one of a large group of other children who were not raised in the church. This is to ensure that there is no per-existing bias or knowledge of how holy beasts work. And he just happened to be the only one of the group who could master Leun's very demanding dialogue tattoo. The recruiting enginesmiths, who designed Leun's systems, were the ones to train him, but Ketjan was the one to write most of the procedures for operating Leun based on feedback from the dialogue.

Replies from THIS post:

@ospreyonthemoon @kicks-tiktaalik-back-into-water

Krokodilos had an amazing high-tech ventilation system that used active air pumps to keep it circulating. But exactly like the second reply says, it broke down frequently. And because of how it worked, the interior of croc had to be air-tight so that the pumps could work efficiently. And, of course, if it broke down, and it was air tight on the inside, it instantly became a more dangerous deathtrap than your average passively ventilated beast.

There were valves that could be opened in an emergency but these were only added after the first Incident. The pumps would break down from the fabric seals degrading, lose efficacy, and then the parts furthest from the pumps would suddenly not get enough air anymore because air couldn't be moved such a distance with faulty pumps. The reason his enginesmiths want him to be re-commissioned is because the only barrier was the material used for the seals, and they believe they can innovate some new materials or try something different and have it work. They were even thinking of trying natural rubber, which would have worked perfectly, but they never got approval for it.

#setting: mez

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writerfae · 4 months

Text

So I cleared out my phone notes and deleted some stuff. Here’s some snippets I stumbled over that I like and I think you’ll enjoy too @bunnymermaidsblog ^^

This is nothing really, just Modern AU Crack

“I think everyone is a little in love with coach,” Halea said.

Her friends nodded in agreement, except for Aiden.

“We're talking about MY BROTHER here guys!” he said. “Stop thirsting over him already, PLEASE.”

This one is actually for chapter four of the Silver lining AU!

"Hello," the young woman smiled. "It's so nice to meet you! I'm Sera."

She reached out to give him a pat on the back, which was nice, because it reminded him of his brother.

Sera leaned a little closer, as if to share a secret.

"My brother can be a bit difficult, but he's a good guy. Let me know if he annoys you, I know just how to deal with him," she said quietly.

"I heard that!" came Talon's annoyed voice from behind them.

"You were supposed to," she called back with a grin, winking at Aiden.

Modern AU again. This time that scene I never wrote where Aiden has a breakdown about being left behind again when he and his friends will have to split up for college.

“Hey, shhh,” Talon soothed him gently. “Stop talking nonsense, I’m not gonna leave you.”

Aiden looked up to him through eyes red from crying. "You won't?"

It sounded so small, so hopeful. Talon wanted to hold him even tighter and never let go.

"I won't." He kissed his boyfriend's temple, then he pulled back to look at him again. "I love you, Aiden. I'm not going anywhere."

Tears welled up in Aiden's eyes again, but this time for a completely different reason. “You do?”

Only then did Talon realize it was the first time he said those words to Aiden’s face, despite thinking it a million times before.

He nodded, caressing Aiden’s cheek. “I do.”

Aiden buried his face in Talon's chest again, arms tightening around his waist.

He was smiling. "I love you too."

Modern AU part three, this time a note for the sequel of Take a Break I considered writing forever ago

Aiden was wearing Talon's old high school volleyball jersey and for a moment Talon thought how good his lastname looked on his boyfriend.

He sighed fondly. "Hey wolf whisperer, still working on your thesis?"

And lastly some brotherly angst for you cause I know you love Aiden and Henry

Henry's face darkened. “I was very unhappy, Aiden. And I made you and father unhappy too. So I left, because I thought it's for the best.”

“That's not true. You didn't make us unhappy. It wasn't your fault that father became like this.

And me... the only thing that made me unhappy was when you were missing in my life.

I get that you weren't happy, that you had to leave. But you could've at least.. I wish you would've at least said goodbye.”

#there were other nice things too but I kept those so I just wanted to share those I got rid of #writer speaks #writeblr #wip: the knights of the alder #writing #my writing

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threadsun · 8 months

Note

Me: I don't think we talk about yandere Joseph enough

Also me: Aren't you a writer, fuckin let loose

So! Picture it with me, you are the barista at some local cafe near a film set. Because of all the high class actors and their respective followers coming in and out you're pretty used to the weird shit these people order. So imagine your surprise when mister "Thesis long order" Laurent walks in with his coworker who just orders "Uh, gee, I don't know. Whatever you get, I guess?"

You make Jean's order first so he doesn't bitch and then make your favorite drink for his friend. Your fingers brush each other as you hand him the drink and you think you see him blush before taking a sip "Woah, this is really good. Thank you" You try to tell him it's just your job but the way he says it just...does something to you. People rarely thank you here anyway but that one sounded so genuine, so real

After that Joseph becomes a regular, usually picking up Jean's abomination along with something to keep him going as well. He never orders for himself though, always trusting you with his morning coffee. There's something kind of intimate about it, all the trust he holds in you, all the time he tries to spend with you even though you can tell he's both busy and exhausted. In this town of fake complements and latter climbers he's so refreshing, so charming, you jokingly tell him if you didn't have a boyfriend you'd have asked him out by now

"...Boyfriend?" The way he says it sends chills up your spine, he was so chipper a few seconds ago but now he looks like he just found out his dog died. You tell him not to worry, he's not the jealous type so hanging out with guy friends is fine "Right, yeah, um...sorry I have to go" And like that he's gone

Joseph still shows up the next day but something's off about him. He looks...guilty? You figure it's because now that he knows you're taken he feels bad about trying to covertly flirt with you everyday so you brush it off. That night you're supposed to be picked up by your boyfriend so you two can go on your date but he's running late, like, an hour late, he's not answering his phone either

After waiting out for about thirty minutes Joseph walks by the cafe "Oh, hey, are you ok? You're usually gone by now, aren't you? I mean, I have to walk by here every night to get back to my place and I've never seen you out here before" You tell him you're just waiting on your boyfriend but it's already been half an hour, so, fuck it. You'll just talk to him tomorrow

"Oh, well I'm sorry to hear that. Want me to walk you home again?" Joseph had walked you home a few nights already seeing how dangerous these streets can get at night, so you take him up on his offer. You two walk to your apartment building but once you get closer you start to hear sirens. You and Joseph pick up the pace, running until you see it, there are cop cars outside of your apartment building

You walk up to the cops and ask what happened, they tell you there was a potential homicide in the building earlier that night and that you can't go in until they've collected enough evidence. You're heart drops onto the concert and shatters when you hear your boyfriend's name fall from their lips

You don't remember much after that, just the warmth of Joseph's hands on your shoulders as he walked you to his apartment. Over the next week you stay with Joseph, both because your apartment was now littered with cops and awful memories, that and you don't think you can be alone right now. Joseph is as kind as ever, letting you stay rent free while you take some time off work to grieve

After a few months, life gets better. The scars on your heart will never heal fully but they're made easier to deal with, especially with Joseph around. He's so sweet, even helping you fully move into his place after you tell him you don't think you can go back to that apartment building again, he even makes your coffee now, exactly how you like it, always saying "I learned from the best"

It's so domestic, you don't even bat an eye when he wraps his arms around your waist while you're cooking, leaning in and giving you a kiss on the cheek while you ask him about his day. Everything is about as perfect as it could be with a mending heart, that is until you start being in charge of laundry. Joseph had a pesky habit of throwing his clothes off before going to bed so you have to really look for some of them, and that's when you find it, one of his shirts covered in old dried blood

Oughhhhhhh this is so good!!! Yandere Joseph is very underappreciated >:3c

#sunshine #sdj joseph

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delta-orionis · 9 months

Note

i wanna hear about the simon aroace beam pls

(Tumblr is apparently trying to silence me because this is the second time I'm writing out this answer. Anyway.)

I already made a post about my aroace Simon headcanons several years ago, but I'm more than happy to talk about it again. (Also I'm not sure if you specifically ever beat SOMA, so you're probably unfamiliar with some of the points I made in the aforementioned post. I'll do my best to explain.)

(Continued under the cut)

Simon is an interesting character because he's an everyman. I often joke about how he's Just Some Guy who's having the worst day ever. He's had a pretty average life (aside from the recent loss of his friend and traumatic brain injury), and it doesn't come up often in the text of the game. He brings it up sometimes, but it isn't the focus of his dialogue. He was thrust from an unremarkable life in 2015 into Undersea Robot Hell and is forced to make some serious decisions about the fate of the human race, so he has other priorities.

His characterization as an everyman combined with the fact that we don't actually know a lot about his life before the events of SOMA make Simon a very easy character to project your own experiences onto. This makes him a good fit for a video game protagonist because it makes it easy for the player to relate to him. It also means that it's easy to fill in the blanks of his characterization with your own ideas. I've personally seen lots of different interpretations of his gender and sexuality; I've seen people headcanon him as straight, gay, bisexual, etc etc. His gender is also an entire can of worms; I've seen people make compelling arguments that he's a trans man, a trans woman, and even nonbinary and agender.

Anyway... this was all preface for my thesis that Simon is aroace. The easy explanation is that I, an aroace person, find it easy to project my own experiences on to him in a way that makes sense to me. I've talked to a few other aroace SOMA fans about this, and they've agreed. (This is what I mean by the aroace beam. I simply enjoy headcanoning characters I like as aroace, because I, too, am aroace. I'm hitting them with my beam attack. Metaphorically. I've now rendered the joke unfunny by explaining it.)

(Side note- there's a running joke in the SOMA server I run that many SOMA fans are asexual. There certainly are a number of them in that specific server, however this also might be confirmation bias, because I haven't done a fandom-wide survey or anything like that. It also might be because I promote the server heavily on my blog, and as an openly aroace person, I probably have a statistically significant amount of aspec followers who are then compelled to join the server I help run. More research is required, I guess.)

The longer explanation for this headcanon is that, within the text of the game, Simon doesnt' appear to be very concerned with sex or romance.

In the dream sequence at the beginning of the game, Simon tells Ashley he wants to tell her something, and she responds with "please don't make this weird". A lot of people tend to interpret this as Simon working up the courage to tell Ashley he has a crush on her. The scene ends abruptly before this can be confirmed. However, there are a few unused voice lines in the game files that extend the scene a bit. Simon was originally supposed to say "I'm sorry" to Ashley before the dream ended. This implies that he wanted to apologize to her for involving her in the car accident that ended her life, not confess a crush.

There is another dream sequence later in the game, the context being that Simon is under the influence of the WAU and is being shown an idealized version of his life. He sees Ashley, alive and standing in his apartment, where she declares that the two of them are in love. Simon seems confused about this and wakes up shortly after.

I will admit that this scene implies he has romantic feelings for her. However, in the post I made a few years ago, I talked about how a common experience for a lot of aroace people is not being able to distinguish between different types of attraction and how this can lead to aces convincing themselves that they have a crush on someone when what they really desire is a platonic relationship:

I think what sells it the most for me is that, during the dream sequence with Ashley, when Ashley tells him that they’re a couple, he sounds confused. You could interpret this as general confusion (he doesn’t know how Ashley is suddenly alive again or why they’re suddenly in a relationship), but I like to think that he’s conflicted about his feelings for her. He knows he wants to be close to her, but he’s not sure if being a romantic couple is exactly what he wants. If the dream sequence is supposed to be an idealized scenario, then why is he conflicted about the thing he supposedly wants?

Simon strikes me as the type of guy who isn’t super informed about LGBT stuff. He probably knows a little bit about general LGBT stuff, but maybe hasn’t learned about asexuality, or he doubts that it could apply to him. He might think that, because he wants to be close with Ashley, that the next logical step would be a romantic relationship, even if his feelings are actually just platonic. (I know from personal experience growing up asexual that I would sometimes invent crushes on people, when in reality my feelings were just platonic and I actually just wanted to be their friend. From what I’ve heard, this is a common experience for a lot of aro and ace people from before they learned about asexuality/aromanticism.)

I recognize that this interpretation might be bending canon a bit. Occam's razor would imply that he simply has a romantic crush on Ashley, but that's no fun.

SOMA is a game that is, overall, pretty uninterested in exploring romantic or sexual relationships. It also features two main characters of different genders (Simon and Catherine) who develop a strong platonic relationship over the course of the game. I, personally, find it a breath of fresh air, especially when a lot of science fiction and cyberpunk stories have a heavy emphasis on sex. (I'm definitely not bitter about all the weird sexism present in cyberpunk novels like Neuromancer, for example...)

I suppose it makes sense, then, that the game would have a sizeable amount of aroace fans. I personally think there is something inherently queer about the game- although not explicit in the text, transhumanist stories like SOMA can be read as metaphors for queer experiences. Questioning one's identity and humanity is something that a lot of LGBT people do on a regular basis, so it makes perfect sense that they would relate to a character from a game exploring those topics, albeit through a science fiction lens.

Anyway. Very, very long story short, I hit Simon with my aroace beam attack because I think it's fun. He means a lot to me and I like thinking about him.

(Don't get me started on what I think about his gender. He's got so much going on in that department and absolutely no time to come to terms with it all. That's a post for another day.)

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk, I hope you enjoyed reading, etc etc. I'm going to go back to rotating Simon in my brain now.

#asks #girlfriendsofthegalaxy #exploding tumblr with my mind because it deleted the original version of this post #anyway this is 1.2k words. enjoy #soma #soma game #simon jarrett

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6-hours · 26 days

Text

Pretty much a diary entry

I just binged Nagata Kabi's stuff since I found it in the library and it felt like a thing I needed in the moment...

The cycle of feeling bad, then feeling good, then feeling bad, etc etc just reminds me that personal suffering doesn't have a narrative arc. You suffer, you overcome, and honestly the "overcome" part might not even be permanent. In the pit of suffering you can't tell if it'll ever get better and that makes it so much worse... Like what if this time, being sad is permanent.

This isn't the first time I got sad, and if my past experience is anything to judge by, I'll probably get over this sadness too. Then forget about it and go be sad about something or other again!!! It's a cycle!!!! It never stops!!!!

Anhedonia really sucks. But this time, it made me think, "If I'm going to do stuff and not enjoy it, I might as well do something that's good for me even if I don't enjoy doing it." It was that thought that pushed me to drop some covid weight, and do physical activity (which I'd never done purposefully in my entire life until right now!!!). (Like if I'm going to be sad at least I can try to be physically healthy I guess)

And I have a lot of time that I have trouble filling, so I take my time to do stuff that I'd always thought was annoying or a waste of time. Sometimes I walk 20 mins to the grocery store to get a single jug of milk. I take my time to actually clean the bathroom or kitchen. I don't resent maintenance chores as much as I used to. It's something that should be done, and I have time to do it, and the time isn't coming out of something I'd rather be doing. I haven't overcome that hurdle when it comes to cooking though... Thankfully my spouse is happy to handle food.

I'm working on a personal project that's supposed to be "as big as it needs to be, take as long as it will end up taking". I've always had a hard time with something like that because I guess external validation is very tied to my enjoyment of drawing. If I don't get some kind of feedback the enjoyment has to derive purely from my own belief in the project... This is something that basically drove me to utter sadness in thesis year college because I had shut down socially. When I wasn't talking to people, every missed point of contact played out in my head as a scenario where other people directly rejected me. (So and so didn't talk to me when I walked by them in the hall! They must have so little interest in me they don't even want to talk to me! Completely forget the fact that I said absolutely nothing to them!!!)

Anyway! I really took some time to dissect what parts about this project is

Something I wish I could be capable of doing

Something I kept thinking about doing

What are the hard parts about it that I thought I wasn't good enough for

What kind of work I need to put in to make the hard parts possible

I've managed to dismantle some illusions I have about "good artists" and how "good work" actually comes about. I also put aside the thoughts of "this isn't good enough for the kind of scope you want". (The prof in college that said "Do your research! People can tell when you haven't done your research!" really paralyzed me. I had no idea how much research is "enough", especially when it came to something I didn't obsess over, and if it's not "enough" I'll be scrutinized to the ends of the earth. Why put myself through that scrutiny? Why bother doing anything, ever? You can't be criticized for doing something badly if you never do it at all. Take that,!!!!)

The point of doing this project is, I think, to prove to myself that I did it. And at the end of it maybe do another one. Then at the end of all these projects, I can say to myself, look at the body of work you produced! It might not be good, it might not be liked by other people, heck maybe no one else other than you ever saw or knew it existed. But! I put all the thoughts in my head into a physical form. It gets to exist more than it used to.

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shallowseeker · 3 months

Text

THESIS: AU Bobby is more like John than OG Bobby. He's a soldier. That's why it makes sense to me that OG Mary wound up gravitating to him.

He's the John-version of Bobby Singer! (I don't actually think she'd gravitate to OG Bobby Singer.) After Mary dies, he essentially becomes John-coded with regards to Jack:

Bobby: About that. I liked the kid. We fought together. But there's only one way this ends. ... Bobby: If his human side is gone, you know what's left -- Lucifer. Now, if you boys want to sit around and talk, fine. But me? I'm gonna get on the horn to some of my people and go find that boy. ... Bobby: An unstoppable monster who don't know right from wrong gets put down -- or the closest we can get to it. And anybody who don't know that needs to go back to school. 14x19

Mary gravitates towards soldiers who make her feel safe. She and Dean both chafe when faced with authoritarian-King-type characters:

DEAN: And that's what you offered them, a chance to stroke your ego? And you wonder why they said no. Well, we've got something better – a plan. Now, you can sit on the sidelines and watch the world die, or you can fight. (CROWLEY considers.) DEAN: You know, to be king again, maybe you need to remember how to be a soldier. 11x22

Tragically, because they were raised with an ingrained value of heroism, they're often more comfortable with being in the fight, especially one with clear rules.

MARY: I’m not going back. DEAN: I’m sorry. What? MARY: I fought beside these people. I respect them. I respect their cause. You can’t expect me to just abandon them. SAM: No, Mom, that’s not -- You heard what Lucifer said. We have 31 hours -- MARY: I -- Sam...Dean...I know what you went through to come find me. [Dean scoffs at that. He is obviously upset.] MARY: But these people are being slaughtered. They need me here. 13x22

As for the fight itself, finding the right cause or being in a purgatory where the enemies are clearly delineated is a very tempting allure for all of them (indeed, all of us). We all want to back the winner, whether that's the strongest or the rightest.

SAM: Getting these groups to enlist and then work together, it's not gonna be easy. DEAN: Couldn't you just compel them? CHUCK: I invented free will for a reason. DEAN: So we're tying our hands on principle? CHUCK: No, you can't make an effective soldier by force. They have to choose this fight. DEAN: But they're gonna want to know they're backing a winner. LUCIFER (indicates CHUCK): So… 11x22

Anyway, both Dean and Mary gravitate towards soldiers, but they specifically fall in love with soldiers who, despite fighting a war (in Castiel's case, a war that waged on for billions of years), still retain their sense of hope and kindness.

MARY: Even after the war, after everything, he still believes in happily ever after, you know? He's everything a hunter isn't. (beat) No offense.

Hunters believe that it's going to end one way. But the Henry-and-John-and-Cas coded idealism combats that, somewhat. They believe in the future. If they believe in the future, then Mary and Dean can believe in that future, too. (CAS: "You have to believe you can do better, be better. You can start being good anytime. DEAN echoes this with Jack: "Every day, we have to believe we can get better.")

Anyway, these dutiful, rock-solid idealists soothe some of that inner nihilism that both Mary and Dean struggle with.

///

But!

After Mary, John was destroyed. He didn't believe in anything anymore. (He was supposed to be invincible, incorruptible, at least in Mary's eyes.) John without Mary rampaged the world in the name of a corrupt cause, neglecting his children but "doing what he had to do" to keep them safe.

On the flipside, when she returned, we got to see a Mary without John. She was so horrified by the smoldering remains of the John she knew, of the death of the idealized future for her children, that she went looking for a new cause too. That's what the British MoL was all about. It was Mary's answer to nihilism. She also neglected her family by "doing what she had to do" to keep them safe.

#au bobby #mary #spn 14x19 jack in the box #mary gravitates towards soldiers #spn 11x22 #spn 13x22 #the soldier's dilemma

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anatee · 1 year

Text

Touch me if you dare | Ben/Kylo x Reader Smut

Touch me if you dare | Ben Solo/Kylo Ren x Reader Smut 18+. MINORS DNI.

Word count: 4.8K

Content warning: fem!Forcesensitive!reader; in this part not so much smut, but DEFINITELY lots of inappropriate use of the Force; like two curse words? and impure thoughts, secret/forbidden relationship, ofc they're both ADULTS

Author’s note: This came to me in a dream and I wrote it somewhere between editing my book and my bachelor’s thesis, so yeah. As in my previous Kylo fanfic, he’s not as ruthless as many portray him. I will probably write another part(s?) to this.

Y/N still couldn't comprehend how it came to this, and her mind was racing to understand.

Ben Solo was pining her to a tree, his large hands making it impossible for her to free her wrists from his grip.

This was not a part of the Jedi training Luke ordered. The lightsabers they were supposed to fight with were long forgotten, thrown somewhere between the trees and bushes of the forest that acted as their training grounds.

How did it happen? It's not like it was their first time duelling with each other. Everything always went smoothly - well, not without a few over-the-top threats that were never going to happen, but it still counted as 'smoothly' between them. They enjoyed teasing each other from the moment they met, it seemed, ages ago.

But it was not the moment to relive the old memories, it was the moment to relive the last few minutes that led to Ben's face being so close to hers she could feel his heavy breathing on her skin.

It started like it always did. They were waving their weapons while bantering, never really intending to hurt the other while working on a distraction. And then, somehow, as their fight moved deeper into the forest, Ben managed to disarm his opponent. Y/N's lightsaber fell into the bushes and before she could even raise her hand to get it back with the Force, he threw his weapon away and grabbed her by the wrists instead.

And there they were now, staring at each other and breathing heavily, the Force swrling around them and tingling their senses. Y/N's eyes wandered towards the opening in Ben's white shirt; she could see a tiny bit of a scar he got not a long ago.

"Do you give up?" he asked in a velvety voice after what felt like hours of looking, his gaze making her feel tiny.

"What would you do if I did?" she bit back between heavy breaths.

His eyes fell onto her lips, sending a shiver down her body.

"Why are you not trying to fight back?" he asked. "I don't have a weapon anymore."

"Maybe I don't want to," she replied, shocking herself with how confidently she said it. Her wrists were starting to burn and her back wasn't really enjoying the coarse surface of the tree, but at the same time she didn't want to move away. The unexplainable feeling in her abdomen made her stay right where he kept her.

"Why did you do that?" she asked after another moment of tense silence.

He leaned even closer towards her, his knee getting between her legs in the process. She let out a quiet gasp as he pressed his forehead against hers.

"It's just part of the training. I'm winning."

"Is that so?"

Y/N had no idea what was going through his head, but she didn't intend on stopping him. The position they found themselves in made her feel things she had never experienced next to him, but they were so pleasurable...

"Shouldn't you at least pin to me the ground to win?"

"I don't need to." He smirked. "I already have complete control over the opponent."

"Doesn't seem like you're using it in any way..." she said provokingly, hoping something else would happen, something other than the two of them just standing there and staring at each other in such a tense atmosphere...

And then, as if something clicked in Ben's head, he let go of her quickly and stepped back. Before Y/N could asked what happened, she sensed it - someone was approaching, and Ben clearly didn't want them to see this.

She began massaging her wrists right before noticing Master Skywalker walking straight towards them, his robe flying somewehre behind him.

"Who won?" he asked as he approached them, apparently checking the greyish sky for possible rain.

"Ben," Y/N said at once.

"Y/N," Ben said at the same time, getting a confused look from her, but he was staring right at Skywalker, not giving her a glance.

Luke raised his eyebrow questioningly, then eventually shook his head. "Well, you're both disarmed, so I'll take it as a tie."

Neither of them argued. Ben put his hand in front of him and used the Force to pull his lightsaber right into his palm, and Y/N quickly did the same. She tried to act as if nothing out of the ordidnary had happened, even though she knew her cheeks were flushed, her wrists red from Ben's fingers, her body weak not from the fight, but from his little performance...

"Come to dinner. Everyone's finished except for you," Luke ordered, then turned on his wheel to walk back from where he came.

"We're coming," Ben replied loudly.

Y/N began following Skywalker and before she knew it, Ben was walking behind her.

Right behind her, almost touching her body as he towered over her. She didn't dare ask him what he was doing when they were this close to Luke; it had to be a one-on-one talk.

From then on Ben didn't leave Y/N's thoughts even for a second. Even the very same night she dreamt about him, and it was one of these dreams that left you with a crush on someone.

She had never felt this way about him - of course, he was attractive and she liked him a lot, but Maker, his actions in the forest did something to her. As a result, now she couldn't compose herself next to someone she usually called just a friend.

The next day Luke chose someone else to train with her. He always did that, claiming everyone had to be able to face opponents of different fighting styles. It was a girl, Inda, one Y/N also could call a friend. However, every time Inda swung her lightsaber at her, she couldn't help but remember the day before, and everything that Ben did... Oh, how she wished it was him again.

Inda quickly noticed her opponent wasn't as focused as usually. Y/N explained that she just had a lot on her mind, and promised to do better the next time they meet. She was careful not to let Inda know too much about her distractions...

Everyone Luke was training had their own tiny house to sleep in. It was especially helpful if they haf to clean their minds and reach out, as Skywalker always said, so that was what Y/N was trying to do to become focused again.

She sat on her sleeping mat in the tiny, circular room. There was only some starlight getting inside through a small window, bathing everything in a blueish glow. She didn't need any more light than this.

Y/N took off her training gear, untied her hair and sighed with relief as she freed herself from her tight bra. It was sometimes a bit painful to wear it, especially if her breasts were particularly sensitive, but it helped a lot to keep them in place while fighting.

She let herself sit naked from waist up for a moment, allowing her skin to breathe along with herself. She beginning to consider whether she should just sleep like this when she heard a knock on her door.

She almost jumped, then immediately grabbed her blanket and covered herself with it.

"Come in," she said as she made sure no part of her breasts was visible.

The door opened, and even in the dim light she could see the two sparkling eyes, the same ones that stared into hers so tensely one day ago.

Ben was standing there, one of his arm raised as he leaned against the doorframe, his white, loose shirt unbuttoned and revealing most of his toned chest.

"Are you going to sleep?" he asked quietly, but it was enough fot her to get somehow excited.

"Not yet," she replied, although it was half a lie.

"Mind if I stay with you?"

Was that even a question?

There were so many thoughts racing through her mind, but only one of them was clear: she wasn't going to refuse.

"Come in," she said, clutching onto the blanket. "Did something happen?"

He stepped in and made sure to close the door behind him, then settled himself opposite her. This was the moment he noticed the blanket and her grip on it.

"Are you naked?" he asked, his eyes widening at the sight of her bare shoulders.

She looked down as though noticing it for the first time. "You caught me in the middle of changing."

He inhaled sharply, staring at where her skin ended and the material began. She had an inkling he was wondering what was beneath it...

"I ask again... Did something happen?"

"No. I just wanted to see you," he replied without any hesitation, surprising her.

"And pin me to the wall this time?" she said half jokingly, half seriously as she wished to find out what his intentions were.

"Don't tell me you didn't enjoy it."

An intense shiver went down her bare back. For a moment, she was questioning whether Ben was real and saying all of this, or was it just her imagination.

"Even if so, what did you want to achieve?" she asked eventually.

He shifted in his seat, considering his next words. "I don't know why I did what I did but... It felt right then. And I would do it again."

She wondered if he noticed how much her chest was raising as she took deep breaths to calm herself before confessing:

"Well, you certainly got me thinking about you."

He smirked as if that was his biggest success.

"You were first. You've been wearing tighter clothes lately."

This prompted her to gave him a smirk of her own. "Oh, am I distracting you?"

"Your clothes do that just a bit worse than you yourself," he replied, the playful atmosphere between them just balancing on the edge of becoming inappropriate.

She glanced towards the window. "I really hope no one's listening to us."

"Why? You think we're talking about something we shouldn't?"

He was provoking her. He knew damn well that wherever this conversation was going, it wasn't anywhere near the rules Luke gave them.

"Well, technically we haven't said... Or done," they locked eyes, "anything inappropriate yet."

Ben's eyes wandered to her hand. She was still clutching the material of the blanket, her wrists exposed...

"So if I did again what I did in the forest... Would you consider it inappropriate?" he asked, throwing his thick, black hair back, making her heart beat even faster than before. She knew she had to be careful with her words; on one hand, she didn't want him to win their banter, on the other - deep inside, she wished he would do that again.

"Master Luke wouldn't like that," Y/N replied diplomatically.

"I know," Ben said as though he was proud of it. "But would you?"

Y/N looked down at the blanket. Her hand was becoming sore from holding it to her chest... It was a decision made in a split second. She didn't even think of the consequences, she just wanted to do something to have the upper hand... Even if it was bold.

She released her grip.

The blanket slid off, and the tension caught fire.

Ben didn't even try to hide it. He was staring right at her and everything the material uncovered. Y/N couldn't even express the feelings that were going through her as she realised what she had done; fear, embarrassment, excitement and hope, all at the same time, boiling inside her as she breathed deeply, her exposed chest raising.

The aura was even more tense than in the forest, swallowing both of them whole as one waited for the move of the other. She didn't want him to take advantage of her embarrassment, so she decided to seize the initiative.

"It's just breasts, Ben." She said, exposing herself even more by resting on her elbows. "But judging by your reaction... You have never touched a woman, huh?"

He cleared his throat, composing himself. "I bet I am the first man seeing you like this."

"You're too scared to do it," she said as if his words didn't happen, sticking to her own narrative.

"Consider your next words carefully..."

She should've listened to that advice before blurting out:

"Touch me if you dare."

Their eyes met. Ben was looking at her intensely, searching her face for clues. Was she just teasing, or did she really want him to do it?

"If you allow it," he said eventually, his gaze flickering between her face and her chest.

Another silence fell between them. She decided to take one more risk, completely forgetting about any unwanted consequences.

"I do."

Two words that doomed them both.

"In that case..."

For a split second, fear overtook Y/N's entire body since she had no idea what to expect of him. And then a gasp so loud she immediately clasped her hand over her mouth escaped her lips.

Two hands were cupping her breasts, but they weren't Ben's - they were his Force hands. He had his real hand right in front of him, and his brow was furrowed as he focused on controlling the Force.

What a sneaky bastard he was.

Y/N could not believe in what was happening. Yesterday Ben barely held her against a tree - and now his invisible hands were massaging her breasts, raising her body temperature more quickly than she could handle.

"You're more... You're more skilled than our Master gives you credit for," she breathed out, his moves tingling her abdomen.

"Am I?" He raised an eyebrow challengingly. "Then let me..." His invisible fingers grabbed her nipples between them - just that was enough to make her gasp again. He knew exactly what he was doing.

"Why does it feel like you've planned this?"

A cocky smile appeared on his face even though he was still focused on the Force.

"I've been seeing you... Differently lately," he admitted eventually.

She raised her eyebrows, confused but interested and trying to ignore the waves of pleasure starting to wash over her. "In what way?"

"I don't think I see you as a friend anymore."

She swallowed hard. There it was, exactly what she wanted to hear, yet it was hard to absorb, especially when he was doing what he was.

"I suppose whatever we're doing now it's not what friends do."

"I suppose they don't."

His Force hands suddenly slid along her body a little further down, and when he realised he did that, he withdrew them. Y/N was still breathing heavily, unable to process what had just happened. But if there was something she was sure of it was that she wanted more.

"Why did you st..."

"Shush," he cut her off quickly. "Luke is walking here somewhere," he added in the quietest of whispers. He could always sense Luke before everyone elses did; supposedly because they were family, after all.

They both turned their heads towards the window, almost expecting him to show up there at any moment.

"I have to go," Ben said quickly, jumping to his feet. However, before he could even grab the doorknob, she stood up, too and grabbed him by his wrist.

"Wait. You're not going to just leave me after all of this?"

"I don't want to," he whispered, meeting her eyes with sincerity. "But we don't want Luke to see you like this, do we?" They both looked at her bare chest, immediately reliving the memories from a minute ago.

"You've just confessed to me... You can't just leave now," she pleaded, unsure where she got her confidence from. She was probably still high on the adrenaline from a moment earlier...

"Right." He turned his whole body towards her again. "Because you didn't answer."

Could that night get any crazier?

Luke was somewhere really close, now she could sense him, too... But it wasn't going to stop her. She put her hands on his broad shoulders, a touch he thoroughly enjoyed.

"I also think... We can try being more than friends," she whispered, leaning towards him. She could see her words had an effect on him as his breathing became shallow. Finally, he smiled, cupping her face with his large hand.

"But Luke cannot kno..."

"Ben? Are you in here?"

Skywalker banged on the door three times, causing both of them to jump. Y/N immediately threw herself to the floor, then covered herself with the blanket. Ben quickly used the Force to button up his shirt, and then opened the door to see Luke looking with a furrowed brow.

"What?" Ben asked at once.

"I am asking what," Luke repeated sternly. "What are you doing in Y/N's room?"

Ben glanced back at her, acting almost as if he had just found out she was there.

"She was feeling unwell," he lied eventually and, in her mind, she complimented him on his quick thinking.

Luke walked right past him to see it for himself, and his students were both praying he wouldn't suspect anything.

"Good evening, Master," Y/N said, taking on the weakest voice she could. Ben had to stifle a laugh.

Luke looked closer at her and even in the dim light he could see how flushed she was, her forhead sprinkled with sweat.

"Do you have a fever?"

She nodded. "Probably. I feel extremely weak."

Ben bit his lip. If only Skywalker knew what was the real reason of her "fever".

"Stay in here for tomorrow, it may be contagious," Luke ordered eventually. "I'll bring you medicine in the morning."

"I can take care of her," Ben proposed, but the stare Skywalker gave him was more than enough to understand there was nothing to discuss.

"You will be training." He pointed a threatening finger at him. "And now you should be asleep, I believe."

Ben was about to open his mouth and say something about not being a child anymore, but he eventually dropped it. It was a miracle that his uncle didn't press the subject of Y/N's sudden illness anyway. He gave her one last glance; they both exchanged looks of relief. Ben left reluctantly and Luke followed him, then closed the door behind them.

The moment it happened, Y/N sat up and touched her chest, as if trying to check whether he was still touching her... Was everything that had just happened even real? One moment Ben was just knocking on her door, the other he was admitting he liked her.

She was happy she would have a free day. Maybe she wasn't really sick, but she did need time to figure it all out.

Y/N came to a simple conclusion: she wanted to try it with Ben, and the fact that they would have to hide made it all more exciting. How come she didn't notice how much she wanted him sooner? After that night, everything just clicked into place, and her days as Skywalker's student were about to become much more interesting.

It was late evening of the next day when someone knocked on her door. She expected Luke again, but, to her pleasure, it was someone else.

Ben basically slithered into her room, then made sure he closed the door behind him. This time, he was still in Jedi robes.

"How are you feeling?" he asked with a playful smile she reciprocated.

"Oh, so sick I can't even stand." She wiped her forehead theatrically, earning a chuckle from him.

"One minute and you'll believe you're actually sick," he said it as he settled himself on the floor, this time much closer than before.

"Maybe I am. And you're the reason." She sat up to gaze into his eyes, now even more emotion-filled than the night before. "Does Luke know you're here?"

"Of course not," he whispered. "But he doesn't have to."

"Ben... Did you mean what you said yesterday?" she asked as it had been haunting her the whole day.

He hesitated for a moment, his lip shaking visibly as he ran a hand through his hair.

"Yes," he admitted eventually. "Otherwise I wouldn't have said that."

She rolled her eyes. "You're too direct at times."

"And I can already sense you enjoy that."

Why did the Force have to be the strongest with him?

"Hope our Master doesn't."

"Leave him to me," he said darkly, then he smirked. "Besides, we aren't even doing anything wrong... I'm not even touching you."

"But you want to," she replied confidently as she could see the need in his eyes.

"It's your view of things. But I'm already on my way out." He stood up suddenly, leaving her flabbergasted.

"What?" She gave him a look full of disbelief. "But you didn't even..."

"Rest assured..." Ben glanced at her one last time before opening the door. "I'll touch you soon."

She swallowed hard as she understood: he was leaving so quickly just because he didn't want to give her the satisfaction, not because he didn't want her...

"Have a good night, Y/N," he added and left with a triumphant smile.

The door barely closed behind him, she barely had the time to sigh... And then two invisible hands touched her breasts again.

"Solo!" she screamed, now not even caring about someone potentially hearing her.

The door opened again and Ben looked inside as if he was completely clueless. "What?"

"You little..." she hissed, but he cut her off:

"I'm sure you are the little one in here."

His cocky smile was the last thing she saw before he closed the door again.

Apparently Luke decided Y/N wasn't that sick that much, because he woke her up at dawn the next day, just like he did to all the others, then began leading his students to one of the forest lakes. Everyone was particularly quiet as they followed their Master, mostly because they didn't sleep enough... And some of them were focused on something else.

Y/N and Ben exchanged pointed looks the moment they saw each other, but didn't utter a word. They were both thinking about the other person, they were both wondering what could happen next between them, and who will initiate another action first. They knew even thinking next to Luke was risky, but it didn't stop Ben from walking right behind her like a guardian.

Skywalker brought his students to one of the lakes in the forest, then made them sit cross-legged near the shore and breathe.

Ben wasn't sure how far he could go. Would sitting right next to Y/N be alarming to Luke, or would he not think too much about it?

There was not much time for a decision before others could settle next to her.

Fuck it.

He sat next to her. She sent him one meaningful look before closing her eyes and doing all in her might not to think about him being there.

A few minutes passed, Ben for sure was focusing, but not on breathing. When he saw everyone was busy with the task Luke had assigned them, his Force hands began wandering again.

Y/N simply could not believe he was doing it then and there, right in front of everyone. She had to bite the inside of her cheek in order not to react to his touch as the Force carressed her body. It was worse than torture, worse then if he were hurting her; how does one not show any reaction to such pleasurable moves?

"I sense disturbance," Luke said loudly, almost causing her to jump, and Ben withdrew carefully. "Y/N, you're not focused."

"I'm sorry, Master." She looked up at him and gulped, hoping he didn't sense the source of the disturbance. "I still don't feel quite well."

"Just focus and breathe," he ordered and she nodded, but before closing her eyes again, she shot Ben a warning look.

He wasn't looking at her, but he could feel it through the Force; she saw his smile very well.

He did try to touch her a few more times, but eventually stopped when Luke started becoming suspicious. After the morning at the lake, everyone was sent to train on their own, but Y/N promised herself that the next day she would get that bastard back. Hot bastard, but a bastard.

The next day came and she did all she could to have him as her opponent for the lightsaber training. It was easier than she expected, since Luke was clearly busy with something else - so she just grabbed Ben damned Solo by the elbow and pulled him towards herself before anyone else could.

"I am going to get you for what you did yesterday," Y/N said as she ignited her lightsaber, and he laughed.

"Oh, and what did I do?" He drew his own weapon. "Distract you?"

They began their forest duel as usual, but it was even more tense than before. Y/N was really doing all she could to get her revenge, mostly attacking Ben instead of defending herself, but he was still at an advantage - he was much stronger than her, even though she was faster. This led him to the same scenario as before: he disarmed her, then discarded his lightsaber... And pinned her to yet another tree by her wrists.

"Oh, fuck you, Solo." She groaned.

Even if she liked it, at that point he was driving her mad. Why did he win again? In the same way?

"Second time you're doing this. You'd better come up with something new."

He gave her another cocky smile. "The thing is, I have."

Before she could ask what that was, he lowered her hands and his head.

Their lips met in the most passionate kiss he could offer.

Y/N was thanking the stars she had the tree to lean against, otherwise her knees might have given in. The forest evaporated; there was only Ben, bringing her closer to himself. Luke could walk right then and there and they wouldn't have noticed him, dizzy and drunk on each other.

Ben let her go for a gasp of air, but they didn't want to stop. This time, she grabbed him by shirt and pulled her back to himself again, this time kissing him as hungrily as he did.

She wrapped her hands around his neck and he grabbed her hips; stars, he had no idea it would feel this blissful to kiss her. He was intoxicated, hence a bit aggressive in his movements, but she didn't mind. He encouraged her to wrap her legs around him before putting his large hands on her buttocks, holding her steadily against the tree.

These kisses were filled with desire, and she guessed he must have kept them in for a while. The thought was all the more exciting and she responded to everything eagerly, her hands roaming over his chest before settling in his luscious hair.

Another gasp for air brought a bit of her rational thinking back.

What would happen if Luke saw them there?

Technically, only attachments were forbidden. Kissing wasn't.

However, at the same time, even kissing might have been forbidden if it were your Master's nephew you were making out with.

But the more forbidden the fruit, the sweeter it tasted, and Ben was only confirming it. Her whole frustration with him has evaporated; she conveyed it to him through the kisses, and the passion of them.

He stepped back after what seemed like ages. She put her legs back down, but he still had his hands on her hips. Both of them were flushed, breathing heavily, their hair a mess.

Ben gazed into her eyes, then smiled, cupping her face in his hand. "I think Luke might believe you have a fever again."

"This time with you," she replied, indicating his face which was just as reddish as hers.

"I love it when you look like this," he admitted, brushing his thumb against her cheek.

"That's why you always didn't even let me breathe during our duels?"

"Maybe." He smiled. "But now I don't have to run after you..."

"You don't?" She raised an eyebrow and then, before he could react, released herself from his grip and sprinted off into the forest.

She didn't get to run away for too much before Ben used the Force to pull her to himself. He wrapped his hands around her waist as her back hit his chest... And her butt hit something else.

"Excited, are you?" she asked as he hugged her from the back.

"I'm always excited for you."

Her heart began beating faster. He seemed to know exactly what to say to give her goosebumps. At the same time, it was still Solo the bastard, one she always wanted to win with.

She pulled her lightsaber towards her, then slipped out of his grip again before igniting her weapon.

"But I'm still not letting you win that easily."

He chuckled, then got a hold of his own lightsaber.

"I'm sure I've already won, Y/L/N."

67 notes · View notes

rfaromance · 10 months

Text

Bright.

Blindingly bright.

Saeyoung squinted as he stepped out from his workroom, blinking vigorously as his eyes tried to adjust to the light.

When he was in his "office," as he called it with a tongue-in-cheek chuckle, he entrenched himself in almost total darkness. Only the faint glow of screens illuminated the din.

But when he walked out into the living space of his bunker, where a warm smile greeted him from the kitchen....

Dizzyingly, dazzlingly bright.

"Saeyoung!" Her voice was music to his ears as she called out to him cheerfully. "Are you finally done working? Come over and eat!"

He plopped down in a stool on the other side of the kitchen counter, then craned his neck to try to see what she had prepared for him. "I didn't hear the fire alarm," he commented, unable to suppress his amusement as he did so.

She quickly wiped the smirk off his face by smacking him with a hand towel. "Today's meal was incident-free!" she huffed. "If only because... I've been banned from using the oven until we get new oven mitts."

Saeyoung could feel the heat radiating off her face in waves. "And I promised you can pick them out. Whatever mitts make you happy." He knew she didn't mean to burn a hole straight through the fabric of the old mitt. "Come on, now. Show me what you made!" Eager to change the topic, he adjusted his glasses and tried to sneak another peek at her creation.

"Yes!" Her eyes lit up in excitement as she turned to grab the dish she had prepared. "Today I made... ahem." She paused and cast him a quick glance.

At her cue, Saeyoung began to drum his hands against the counter, preparing for a grand entrance.

"A PhD Parfait!" With a dramatic flourish, she slid a bowl in front of Saeyoung's face, close enough that he almost ended up with yogurt atop his freckled nose.

No longer suppress his giggles, Saeyoung echoed gleefully, "PhD Parfait!" Propping his elbows up and leaning forward, he purred, "Well, I must know, what layers of study went into this parfait's degree?"

"This parfait has its base studies in vanilla yogurt and granola," she began. "It then proceeded to get a master's in honey drizzle, with extra classes in blueberry and strawberry, then naturally a thesis on chopped cherry!" He could almost hear her chest thumping as she tucked her head down shyly. "I wanted to turn your favorite flavors into something healthy... I hope you don't mind the sliced almonds that I added for protein. Plus... you're quite nutty, so they fit."

With an indignant snort, Saeyoung folded his arms over his chest. He quickly stuck his tongue out and winked at her to let her know he was just joking, though. Eagerly he picked up his spoon and began to dig into the parfait.

By playing around, he could hide the tears in his eyes and the blush on his cheeks at how touched he was that she was this thoughtful and sweet.

"What do you want to do this afternoon?" he asked in between bites. "Now that I'm finished working for today."

"Hmm..." She slung her apron over the hook on the side of the refrigerator, before coming back to sit beside him. "Can we stay in? It's supposed to be really cold today."

Saeyoung nodded slowly. "Right. You don't handle the cold well." He knew her joints became stiff when the temperature dropped too low, and overall she would function more slowly. "We can stay inside. Is it a video game day, a binge-watch day, or continue working on the moving basketball hoop day?"

"I still don't understand why you want to make it move!" she groaned. "I'm bad enough at basketball when the hoop stays still! Why can't we make a robot that retrieves tennis balls? Since we're both awful at tennis."

Saeyoung shook his head. "I get my tennis workout by running after all the balls we miss!" he explained. "Unless you have any other ideas?" His voice grew soft as he added, "We'll do whatever makes you happy."

He could almost see the gears turning in her head as she fumbled around for an answer. "Oh!" Like a light bulb had gone off inside her, she asked, "Do we still have those model rockets? The wooden ones? Let's put them together and then paint them!"

"Mm, yeah." He nodded, finishing his bite full of berries before continuing. "Check where we keep the board games."

Hastily she sprang up, clearly excited to get started, but almost immediately she fell back into her seat.

At once, Saeyoung jumped to his feet, turning towards her with concern. "Honey! Are you okay?"

"Of course, of course." She waved him off dismissively. "I just stood up too fast. I'm fine!" As if to prove herself, she jumped up again, only to teeter and collapse back into her seat again.

Saeyoung's brow furrowed and he reached over to place his arms around her for support. "Come here. Let me take you to the couch. When's the last time I checked your vitals?"

She shook her head uncertainly. "I... can't access my calendar. That's strange. Is it updating right now?"

Fighting hard to keep a calm smile on his face, Saeyoung led her to the couch. Once he was sure she was seated firmly, he reached underneath the couch and pulled out a metal box. "Let me check you over real quick, get you something to fuel up, and then we paint. Would that make you happy?"

She nodded. "Sounds like a plan, dear!"

Dizzyingly bright.

He parted her dark hair to the side and lifted her shirt, exposing her delicate back. He slid his goggles on and pulled out his flashlight and screwdriver, as he carefully removed her back panel to reveal the motherboard underneath. "No wonder she's feeling off," he mumbled as he put his screwdriver down and began searching in his toolbox for his soldering iron. "These wires are frayed. I'll need to make replacements tonight."

Excitement. Joy. Curiosity. Embarrassment. Mischief. Love.

He had done his best to recreate every aspect of her, from the color of the bulbs in her eyes to the shade of fiber for her hair, from the spray paint he used for her skin to the synthesizer he selected for her voice. He wanted to capture her broad range of emotions and the intensity with which she felt them. He hadn't been sure such a feat would be possible, but after trial and error, he had finally created almost an exact likeness of the woman he loved.

Almost exact, for two reasons:

First, because God Seven was no god at all but a mere human, and he could not ever hope to recreate his departed angel perfectly.

Second, because he had chosen not to program her with sadness.

Sadness. Sorrow. Despair. Agony. Misery. Emptiness.

She would only know bliss. She would be happy for the rest of their lives.

Saeyoung would never, ever need to see tears fall from his beloved's face ever again.

He wouldn't lose her to misfortune and misery a second time.

"Are you happy?" he whispered, barely audible as he fused the frayed wires back together.

"I'm always happy when I'm with you!" she chirped back, sitting patiently as Saeyoung worked his repairs.

I hope it's bright and happy where you are.

(loosely inspired by this art by @itsmeohmyo )

#mystic messenger #mysmes #mysme #luciel choi #saeyoung choi #707 #707 x mc #she/her mc #inspired by that one fanart that i'm looking for RIGHT NOW #also inspired by my depression :')#ask to tag #tw death mention #tw implied death

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denndrawings · 1 year

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Thoughts on Frankenstein and the trans experience

Hi! So some months ago I finished my Final Degree Thesis on monsters and the theory behind why queer people tend to relate with them easier than with heroes on the pieces of media that features them and I've been sitting on my thoughts on Frankenstein and how it is a source of identification for both the trans feminine and the transmasculine experience.

My credentials are I'm trans (non binary)! and also I've been researching this for like. Four years. So if you want to read the part of my disertation about Frankenstein and gender (I also have a lot written about otherness, the concept of the monster, queer narratives and vampires but this is not the post for that) you can find it under the cut! (be warned its gonna be long because it's straight up copy-paste from the disertation)

If vampires are a mirror for sexuality, there is little doubt that the “monsters” that haunt gender are Frankenstein and his creature. That is hardly a stretch, since he is an Adam —he calls himself that at one point (Shelley, 1818, p.69), recognizing himself as the creature casted out of the Garden of Eden unfairly by Victor, who is at the same time a creator God and the Eve who rebelled against “natural order” making them both fall out of grace—in a stolen body made out of someone else’s expectations of what a “man” is supposed to look like, how he should act and think and move (how he should perform his gender, that Victor seems so utterly obsessed with, and then devastated about until he became the monster his creator wanted him to be); rejected by the one who created him, forced by society to stay hidden, unable to ever “pass” and misunderstood (Fox, 2017).

There is something interesting about this book, and it is that different sources of identification for both transmasculine and transfeminine people’s experience with gender can be found within it.

On the one hand: the creature, an individual whose creator conceived as “male”. But then again, gender is a performance, gender is something taught (Preciado, 2018, p. 27) and nobody told the creature how to dance to that rhythm. Instead, the creature was explained how the world works through Safie’s feminine lens, listening to the lessons that were given to her about how to behave and understand everything. And then, looking at the image reflected in a pond, the creature realized they were not the same Other because, unlike in hers, beauty will not buy society’s acceptance in that case.

Still, there is an attempt at getting affirmation from the old man of the De Lacey family, the grandfather that, because of his blindness, is not able to see the creature and have prejudices based on the appearance that is offered but only on the words spoken and the kindness shown. But unfortunately, the other De Laceys are sighted individuals —although blind because of their prejudices—, and what they behold is someone far too big and too coarse. A threat.

That is very much the same risk transgender women face when going out as people who may or may not conform to society’s view of gender presentation, because as it has already been demonstrated, transgender people who are perceived as such face much more problems (like bigotry or unequal treatment among many others) than cis or cis-passing people (Dias et all, 2021, p.695), because, just like the creature, they are regarded as less than human, something unnatural and wretched.

On the other hand, Victor Frankenstein: pale, thin, dramatic, and beautifully at the verge of death at every point during the book (Cale, 2018). He would have been such a gorgeous lady of his time…if he had ever been one.

His resemblance to the transmasculine experience is even more tangible than the creature’s, from his obsession with the male figure to the “natural philosophy” that his father disapproved of and that helped him create, with the help of science, a “male” body that destroyed his conection with his family (as homophobic people threaten queernes does to people, being a threat to others, to the community and to oneself (Benshoff, 1997, p.1)).

Long story short, Victor Frankenstein’s inner struggle can be read as that of a transgender man who, facing the rejection of his family and his own internalized prejudices tries to come back and live his life as he normally would have done before realizing about his queerness, but the shadow of the man he has created —the man he is— follows him around throughout his life because as much as he tries to get rid of him, the creature will keep coming back as he is a part of him that he projects as unconnected to him because he refuses to accept it. That last point is clear at the end of the book, because it takes for Victor Frankenstein to die for the creature to do so too.

Bibliography quoted (in order of appearance):

Shelley, M. (1818) Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus. Lackington, Hughes, Harding, Mavor & Jones.

Fox, C. (2017) Why Frankenstein’s Monster Haunts Queer Art. Retrieved June 11, 2022 from New York Times Style Magazine at https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/13/t-magazine/art/frankenstein-monster-queer-art.html

Preciado, P. B. (2018) Countersexual Manifesto, Columbia University Press.

Dias, C. K., da Rocha, L. R. L., Tateo, L., & Marsico, G. (2021) “Passing” and its effects on Brazilian transgender people’s sense of belonging to society: A theoretical study. Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 31(6), 609-702.

Cale, J. (2018) Drop Dead Gorgeous: 19th Century Beauty Tips for the Aspiring Consumptive. Retrieved June 12, 2022 at https://dirtysexyhistory.com/2018/05/16/drop-dead-gorgeous-19th-century-beauty-tips-for-the-aspiring-consumptive/

Benshoff, H. M. (1997) Monsters in the Closet: Homosexuality and the Horror Film, Manchester University Press.

#frankenstein #idk how to tag this #classic literature #frankenstein daily

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sollattes · 9 months

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Some poly todoroki faction heacanons<3

-First off tsuji and Shiba were dating way before todoroki entered their lives

-it was a love at first punch(or kick?)

-when todoroki was realising his feeling for the two, MY GUY WAS HAVING AN IDENTITY AND SEXUAL CRISIS AT THE SAME TIME(a very very angsty part of dororki's life) so he avoided them :)

-they're confession towards each other was... interesting

-it was a frustrated and confused confession like I mean shouting at each other in the rain for dramatics (unfortunately, no, their confession did not happen in the rain 😔)

-there confession happened after a fight, so all three of them were tired, on edge, and the tensions were high

-todoroki was about to leave after silently making sure the two was okay but he was stopped by tsuji was the one who was fed up and asked todoroki what was his problem after a 3 week long of avoiding them, Shiba wanted to stop his boyfriend but ended up just letting him be since he too was confused and frustrated on why the hell their captain was avoiding them, they were supposed to be a team right? He can't just leave them after proving how loyal they were to him, No. Absolutely not

-todoroki was going to ignore all the words that tsuji was shouting, he didn't have the energy to confront them yet, not now, not here, but one sentence made him stop on his tracks

"You really are a coward yosuke"

-it was the first time that either tsuji or Shiba called him by his first name...

-okay moving on ! We'll leave it at that or this will turn into a full blown fic

-in the early stages the relationship todoroki was still confused and how the whole "polyamorous relationship" work, so he ended up staying up all night doing research about like it's a fucking thesis 💀

-the other two didn't really have a hard time accepting it they just kinda knew it all along I guess

-older Shiba knew way before her brother could even tell her and treated todoroki as if he were there all along

-now let's make something clear...PROTECTIVE OF EACH OTHER ASF

-Tsuji and Shiba are more outspoken about them being protective over each other and todoroki mean while todoroki is more quiet and just watching on the side ready to fight for his boyfriends

-Todoroki was always in the hospital taking care of the two when they got beaten up by ebara

-doroki also still gets nightmares from it from time to time

-though the two was pretty upset but mostly worried that doroki went to ebara all alone like what if he got beaten up instead?

-it's not like they dont believe in their boyfriend, I mean he is their captain for a reason but still he is still their boyfriend

-also just because doroki is the captain it doesn't mean that the two cannot spoil and pamper him cause im pretty sure he is the baby girl in the relationship

-TODOROKI BABY GIRL AGENDA✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻

-also HAIRSTYLES

-everytime doroki would mention that he finds a hairstyle or haircolor attractive, you better believe that the other two would go to school, would the said hairstyle or haircolor

-one time, doroki absentmindedly said he finds someone with their hair slicked back attractive, and tsuji went to school with his hair slicked back even though he just had his braids yesterday

-doroki complimented shiba's ginger hair once, and it stayed ginger for a whole 7 months(which is probably the longest since I'm pretty sure these two change their hair every 3-5 months)

-they change their hair pretty often, so you can just picture doroki. It would probably help them

-NO WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE THATS JUST DOMESTIC DBWKSVEOAFNOA

-like todoroki helping Shiba color the places he can't reach then helping tsuji braid his hair while waiting for Shiba's hair then helping Shiba wash the color out then drying his hair(HROWHDORWP THEY R SO WTAF I DONT WANT THIS ANYMORE)

-now music, tsuji and Shiba probably listens to like a lot of hip hop/rock or indie rock music while doroki is just plain by listening to opera and classical music

-MANDATORY WEEKLY DATES AT THE MUSIC SHOP

-while, the two are banging their head to nirvana. doroki is listening to the waltz of the flowers

-Shiba is always the one accompanying doroki to the book store, he always enjoys the way doroki lights up every time he sees the book he wanted to buy still there and on sale, and its worth the thousands of yawn that Shiba made since they stepped into the store

-all if three of them have things in each other houses so, ever so randomly, tsuji might just show up in of todoroki or shiba's jacket and vice versa

-tsuji and Shiba purposely hides todoroki's things so he can use theirs ;

Exhibit a:

-them hiding todoroki's body wash so he can use theirs and smell like them

Exhibit b:

-them not washing doroki's spare clothes claiming that they 'forgot' to wash them to see todoroki in their clothes

-the list goes on, and todoroki just pretends to not know since he secretly enjoys it too

-todoroki has a 12 step skin care every Friday night and the two always sleeps through it

-weekend movie nights are a must !!

-todoroki (will always)prefers mystery thriller horror movies than gory the ones, and is secretly a sucker fantasy adventure movies(primarily lord of the rings and Harry Potter, his gay awakening is legolas and Bill weasley), and ofc he made tsuji and Shiba binge watch the whole hp and lotr franchise

-tsuji is kinda stereotypical he likes action but prefers it to be action comedy, and he is the one that prefers gory horror movies, todo and Shiba always lowkey dread every time it's tsuji turn to pick a movie since one time he made them watch the whole saw franchise in one straight weekend and Shiba cried in the bathroom

-SHIBA IS THE ROMCOM CHICK FLICK LOVER. He made todo and tsuji watch all the Amanda bynes and linsey lohan movies( todo secretly likes she's the man but will never tell a single soul)

-the three of them of them watched twilight for shits and giggles but lowkey got into it, tsuji is team edward and shiba is team jacob, todo is neutral and hates Bella and her stupidity so much that he almost lost his calm, disinterested composure

-todo already watched Hunger Games, but still he watched it with the two, and now he can't stop them from doing them. "I VOLUNTEER, I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE" joke

(lowkey wanna to make a separate hcs for these three movie nights)

-todoroki is like lowkey rich so he is the one that sponsors the two's hair adventure and hospital bills

-shiba knows all of the sannoh gossip and always has a late night gossip session with his boyfriend

-shiba is the biggest out three, so he always loves to be the big spoon, though from time to time, tsuji would always force(lovingly) him to be the small spoon

#high and low #high and low the worst #todoroki yosuke #tsuji #shibaman #todoroki faction #my beloved poly boys 🫶🏻#high and low the worst cross #high and low fic #forever poly todoroki faction truther✊🏻✊🏻

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